#but sometimes I struggle with something for a while and make myself feel badly about it

[vsaintsin]

I spent all of Draft One completely ignoring the uncomfortable situation I had going with 's vs s' when it comes to singular and plural nouns and my sudden inability to comprehend how they function. I kept going "No, don't get hung up on the issues, that's what editting is for, just get through the draft and leave the treasure hunting for later".

Guys. I'm having a fucking meltdown. There is no standard. There is no standard?! You're telling me I could say Ceres's or Ceres' and both are right? You're telling me it's supposed to be boss' but we all hate that so it's boss's? You're telling me that punctuation is actually just vibes and you can actually legally make it up as you go because it's all hocus pocus and nobody knows what they're talking about?

This is liberating, actually. I will be abusing this information.

Any other fun tidbits of English that we know about that seem made up? I'd like to know just how much I'm allowed too break this bastard language before it's actually a crime.

[bananastarion]

Rambling headcanons about how Astarion's trauma could manifest in your relationship.

Disclaimer: I am not fetishizing trauma or PTSD here. I have C-PTSD myself, and have dated others with it as well. So some of this is (loosely) inspired by my own experiences. It's not pretty, it's not fun, but I'd say it's pretty realistic. So yeah, fair warning! Anyway, let's gooooo

Astarion isn't fazed by much, but he IS claustrophobic- having to claw your way out of your own coffin, being trapped in a mindflayer pod and being trapped in a tomb for a year straight would do that to anyone. If he is ever unfortunate enough to be stuck in a small space again, he'll go into a blind panic. He'll hyperventilate and try to force his way out any way he can, and if he can't get out in time he'll just completely mentally shut down for a bit. If you plan to pull him into a little broom closet for a sneaky fuck, just forget it ok? You will probably get your eyes accidentally clawed out.

There is a long period in your relationship where Astarion is gradually getting more comfortable with being vulnerable around you, but he's also very self-conscious about it. He doesn't want you to pity him or think he's weak. You will be tempted to give him lots of validation and praise to make up for all of the psychological abuse he endured, to reassure him that he's finally safe and free, and that you love him for more than just his body. That his problems won't ever drive you away, and that you don't judge him. He appreciates your words deeply, he wants and needs them more than he cares to admit. But at the same time, they completely overwhelm him. Finally being in a good place with a caring partner is such a stark contrast to what he's been through, that it forces him to see even deeper into the void inside him and recognize just how badly he was treated, how deprived he's been. They hit him hard in both good and bad ways, and sometimes he'll tell you to stop because he just can't handle feeling so much right now. It's best to stick to mostly surface level stuff and ease carefully into the deeper, more meaningful observations.

The sweeter your words, the more his mind races with fears that you are idealizing him and eventually you'll come to see him for what he really is- and then abandon him. Fears that he'll come to depend on your kindness only for it to be ripped away, whether by you or by circumstances beyond his control. Fears that you don't really mean it, that you're just manipulating him the way he did to others. Deep down he hopes and trusts you're sincere, but it's just so hard to accept when Cazador's voice is in his head, countering all of it. This is all so new to him, so unknown. And the unknown is terrifying. He gets frustrated that your kindness does this to him, he wants to be able to embrace your words, he's so impatient to heal and finally be over this shit already. He judges himself so harshly for still struggling with all this. Cazador's dead, he is free, he has someone who truly loves him- why isn't that enough?! Why can't he fully appreciate it, is he just going to feel broken forever? He worries he'll take too long to get over his past, and you'll get tired of it and leave. Expect to give him lots of reassurance about all of this.

He doesn't like to cry around you, but over time you will lower his guard enough that he'll stop fighting back the tears quite so much. Sometimes it's a bad dream, sometimes you say something that just hits him hard (even if it's in a good way), and sometimes he has no idea what triggered it. You tell him he can wake you up any time if he needs you, but often he chooses not to wake you and just suffers through it alone. When it happens while you're both awake, at first he would roll over and face away from you when the tears started flowing if he couldn't collect himself, and you'd just hug him from behind. But eventually he feels comfortable enough to bury his face in your chest and just let it all out. When it's really bad, he'll be trembling and hugging you so tightly as he sobs into your shirt that it's almost hard for you to breathe. The best thing you can do is just be there with him, stroke his hair, caress the tears off his cheeks. It can be dicey, but eventually you learn to read him well enough that sometimes stroking the scars on his back very gently can be healing for him. There are other times though, when this will be too much for him. Same goes for kissing. Also, don't even think about telling anyone you've seen him like this. But of course, why would you?

Don't go into therapist mode with him when he's that vulnerable, and if he decides to talk, just let him talk. Hold space for him and be there with him. Afterwards, help ground him in the present and reconnect him to his senses by pointing out things in the room, remind him that it's not all happening to him right now. Realize how special it is that he feels safe enough with you to be so vulnerable. There are times when he even breaks down during sex, and he'll say that he's fine and you can keep going, but it's for the best to stop what you're doing and check in instead. He often dissociates when he's triggered, and doesn't realize something is wrong until it's too late.

Trauma isn't always pretty, and there are times when it does strain your relationship. When he's really triggered, he might take it out on you. He'll try his best to push you away, and say terrible things he doesn't mean. Perhaps things Cazador said to him. His articulate manner of speech can be sharper than his blade when wielded against you in the heat of the moment. He doesn't believe you can love this side of him, that he is fundamentally broken and unlovable, so it's a test of sorts to prove his own fears. He doesn't necessarily realize what he's doing, he's just lashing out from a point of pure fear. Trauma is an explanation for this behavior, but not an excuse, so it's important you set very firm and consistent boundaries when he gets like this. He might not appreciate it in the moment, but he will once he calms down.

It takes some time for him to feel truly secure with you, but he's getting there. In the meantime, he's starting to get a little clingy and codependent. He's not used to having so much freedom, and doesn't always know what to do with himself when you're not around. Being in your presence is when he's closest to feeling safe and at ease, and being apart for too long can cause his mind to race, especially when he has nothing to distract himself with. It drives him crazy that it gets to him so much- he's never been dependent on anyone before, and this side of him surprises himself. He hates it, which only stresses him out more. He tries to play it off, but it's very obvious he is struggling with separation anxiety. You don't want to overindulge him, but to ease his fears you decide to get a pair of magical rings. You can make each other's rings glow whenever you want- so if Astarion is feeling lonely, he can make your ring glow and you can make his glow back. Sometimes, just that is enough to get him through a rough day without you. Once he has done some more healing, eventually he will come to enjoy his alone time in a way he's never gotten to before in his life, and as much as you enjoy spending time with him, you'll be so happy for him to finally have that.

[rainydayfanfic]

Unpopular König ideas?

Warnings: NSFW content

This is just some ideas I’ve had about König from dealing with social anxiety myself and after hearing all his voice lines.

Social anxiety is different from being shy and awkward- it makes you over think about how the people around you are thinking about you. Thinking they are waiting for you to mess up, judging you harshly, making fun of you, etc.

Social anxiety can cause you to act many different ways. while I do think a timid König is cute and lovable- a gruff and rude König is just as possible if he wants to appear like a mean guy no one what’s to mess with. It all depends on how he WANTS people to see him.

I don’t think König is mean or an dick to anyone that doesn’t deserve it but I don’t think he’s a stuttering mess all the time.

If he is a dick he can get lost in trying to hurt the person, his mind dips into the black abyss that he hides in when he’s on the battle field.

He will immediately feel bad if he’s gone too far but might not always apologize. 

He prefers not to talk to people and has a hard time even introducing myself to new people, he’s not sure what to say. However, when he knows a lot about something or is feeling confident he will chime in on an conversation that people are having around him. Probably mostly with friends

He doesn’t like to be teased in anyway, it makes him angry and lash out. He can control himself when it’s little jabs from friends that he knows don’t mean him any harm or think badly about him, but sometimes it will still sting and he had to go train or workout to get rid of the feeling to punch the person. It’s how he grew up, if he was being bullied he would fight them to stop.

He’s a people pleaser to those who get close to him.

Due to his past of being bullied he loved having the upper hand, he won’t get too cocky because he knows how things can backfire quickly. If you are getting spicy with him he might get cocky then, he won’t tease you (unless you tell him you like it and want him too) but he loves to see you struggle to get the upper hand and if you so how manage to get out of his grip he will put you right back in your place. He can also be very sweet and gentle, all depends on what you want.

He doesn’t care what you look like too much, as long as you take care of yourself the best you can. (Mostly just good hygiene)

A slightly sadistic pleasure dom. Remember what I said about him having the upper hand? If he can get you reduced to blubbering and crying from the pleasure he is giving you, all before he takes out his cock? The man will go feral. It’s a boost to his confidence knowing that he’s doing well and knows you are enjoying yourself. (I think this even if he is the shy König everyone says he is)

He is protective over his friends.

He’s not really into PDA but will be as close to you as possible in public without it looking weird.

In private he loves to cuddle.

He likes to be praised in bed but not so much in public- it gets him too much attention and he will get flustered and a little huffy.

He likes when his partners sit on his lap when making out.

[spaceydoo]

MAKE HIM MOAN

feitan may seem like a man of a few words but when you’re in bed he knows every word in the dictionary to turn you on. it’s like he’s a completely different person when he’s pounding you into oblivion.

“ah- shit you feel so warm” feitan says as you slowly start going down on his dick in riding position as he layed down flat on his back. you said you would be the dominant one this time just to try something new which he honestly didn’t care about. as long as he was getting fucked, he was happy.

you were completely in him at this point but just to mess with him a little you planted kisses on his lips to see his reaction of you not moving. he wanted to fuck into you badly but didn’t cuz he’s a man of his word. sometimes.

“the fuck are you doing.” he said staring at you coldly. you didn’t want him take over just yet by making him mad so you started grinding first then started bouncing like no tomorrow. you leaned back grabbing his legs for support and continued to bounce.

“you’re so fucking tight- ah- you’re doing such a good- job” he said in between moans. you wanted to mess with him more by stopping him from cumming by slowing down drastically because he stopped your orgasm the last time you had sex.

“did i tell you to stop? keep on going. what? you can’t handle it? guess i’ll have too fuck you silly myself to teach you a lesson.” he said as he sat up, you still being in him. he did break his promise about you being the dominant one but at that moment he didn’t care. he then grabbed your waist and moved your hips up and down on his cock at crazy speed, earning multiple moans from you. you wrapped your legs around him to feel him better as feitan stared into your eyes.

“you like when i fuck you silly? yeah? tell me how much you want it.”

“i wan- i want- ah”

“speak up princess so i know what you want.”

“i want you to fuck me stupid fei!” you said moaning out loud.

feitan always seemed to know exactly where to fuck you to make you collapse and he loved seeing you crumble in his touch.

your eyes were rolled back enjoying the noises your pussy was making and his dick touching all the right places. fei was sweating and looked dazed by aware at the same. his moans and praises were sending you off the edge and his high was coming as well. your body looked so beautiful to him he hugged you and hid his face in the crook of your neck as he came in you muttering praises and moans while your orgasm came as well.

“i love you so much y/n- mhh ah-“ he struggled to say in between moans. he never expressed this much love to you in bed which caught you off guard. all your juices soaked his cock as you finished cumming.

“princess look at the mess you made. don’t worry ill clean you up.” you we’re still panting when you got off him and layed on the bed.

“what was all the moaning about? you should do that more often it’s hot” you said as you finally regained your senses.

he shot you menacing a glare signaling to you to shut the fuck up which you instantly did.

he brought you a towel and cleaned you and him up. he stared at you the whole time which made you a little embarrassed when you were going to grab the sheets to cover your self when he stopped you.

“i just love staring at my girlfriend what’s the big issue? i’ve seen you like this many times.” he knew he was getting you flustered and he thought it was so amusing.

“nothings wrong i just don’t like you staring.” you said with an attitude.

“drop the attitude.” feitan said as he glared at you

“or else what fei?” you said in a joking tone to get under his skin

“or i will fuck it out of you”

let’s just say that attitude of yours was never seen again after this

[coffee-and-guitar-strings]

Studying with ADHD

Dear God. My activity on here is sporadic, as is fitting with my diagnosis, but I thought maybe this post could help anyone that's been struggling alongside me.

Warning: Long Post

Feel Free to browse the bullet points and stop if something catches your eye!

If you don't like any of these, don't use them! They're based solely off my experience, and everyone experiences ADHD differently <3

Content:

Setting up The Space

Study Snacks!! - No hunger in The Space

Compete with yourself

Ignore Pomodoro

Reverse the feeling of 'not being smart enough'

Active Recall

Unriddle.ai (not sponsored,,,)

Final Tip

Final Note

Here ya go:

1. Setting up The Space

Some sites say to create a 'distraction free zone' to study in. Screw that, it never worked for me.

My brain is the distraction. I'll stare off into space if there's no other option.

INSTEAD:

We set up a study space that both fulfils random urges mid-work session, and limits distractions away from the desk.

I.e. we don't get up until we need the bathroom.

You limit the amount you get up from The Space, you limit the number of things your attention span will switch to.

Snacks, fidgets, drawing, separate screen for watching stuff? Whatever works, stick it on the desk.

Food wise, I try to make a healthy lunch and then eat it at my desk while reviewing stuff, but sometimes I need a longer break.

If I am taking a break, I do it away from The Space. The Space is dead to me now.

Try to compartmentalise your area, work only in these spots, relax only in these, sleep only there.

We're trying to train our brains here, people, simple and clear relations of space to activity typically get embedded easier.

Also: work whenever.

Burst of energy at 9pm? Go for it, we sleep badly anyways.

Middle of lunch? Have a flashcard/ notes app on your phone, do it while you eat.

With friends? See method 5 <3

I'll link a separate post I'll be making on exactly how my space is set up, though most of the key points are in this one :)

2. Study Snacks!! - No hunger in The Space

One. Handed. Food. Only.

Also, food that doesn't get stuff on your fingers.

You can't work if you're constantly wiping your hands to keep going, and you need something you can absentmindedly grab while you keep your eyes trained on the work.

I recommend getting artificial sugar in your system, sweets, chocolate, give yourself a mild sugar rush to keep a bit of a buzz going while you work.

(try to be healthy about it, this won't be sustainable long-term, but I find a shot of sugar to the system can help prevent burnout)

Also caffeine! Please be aware of how much caffeine you're having for health reasons - I need to watch how much I have, since my medication is already bad for my heart, but even just having a coffee and some sugar at the start of the session, I get enough energy to start working

As long as I don't stop until I'm Done, I will be good.

3. Compete with yourself

I don't recommend competing with others, it toes the line of 'feeling like a failure' too much for my liking, but if it works for you, go for it.

Instead, I compete with myself. Mostly quizlet flashcards, but also 'how much of this have I remembered from yesterday?', and 'How much more can I remember today?'

Whether it's personality or hyperactivity, this gives a dopamine hit. Finding ways to make studying something you can score against is one of my favourite methods.

Video games are an ADHD staple for a reason, easily trackable progress and dopamine from rewards/hyperfixations/etc. make them addictive.

Turn the work into a video game (I think at this point I may sound insane to you guys but please trust me)

4. Ignore Pomodoro

ADHD students, we have to think like sharks: we stop, we die.

Once you have found yourself studying with (relative) ease, Do. Not. Stop. You keep that going as long as possible.

ADHD doesn't mean you can't focus, you can, you just have no choice in where that attention gets allocated. So, when a tomato-based timer tell you to turn off your focus and relax, after it took you half the damn time to start the stupid work, it can be a little counter-productive

(I may have some repressed rage for pomodoro, try to forgive me)

Please, ignore the pomodoro stuff. I know it's healthy to regulate the volume of work you do, but I find that once I start working, I can't stop until I run out of energy.

I time or video myself instead, I can track how long I've been working, feel proud of it, and I also can't use my phone during that session.

When my brain stops taking stuff in, I have an hour to 2 hour break, relax (away from The Space) try to reset my brain so it's back to baseline. Then I start again.

5. Reverse the feeling of 'not being smart enough'

I know I am smart, and it's on others if they don't see that, but having undiagnosed ADHD for 17 years did a number on my self image and confidence.

If you struggle with this, it's so, so helpful to try this method, and can start to reverse the negative internal image we've managed to cultivate <3

So, after you've covered a topic: tell someone about it (please make sure they're ready to listen to you rant for half an hour).

Not only are you reinforcing what you've just learnt, but you also get to feel competent, and teaching someone else about your topic helps to raise perceptions (internal or from others) of what you know/what you're capable of.

6. Active Recall

This one goes great with the whole, 'competing with yourself' method (no. 4);

Active Recall is just making sure you're going over old information and recalling correctly, once it's past short term memory. Trying to remember information without it present forces your brain to pull it from Long-term memory and reinforces the information in your brain.

I know it's been said a million times, but this + competing with yourself does wonders for me.

My favourite method is blurting ( read/write notes of one topic, wait ten minutes, do something else productive, and then try to copy that topic from memory. repeat until all key info is correctly recalled)

7. Unriddle.ai (not sponsored,,,)

Okay, this site changed it for me. 5 free uploads, 15 free inputs per month.

Download a copy of the fancy scientific paper/article/book you need to read through. Upload.

Ask unriddle to summarise key points, to re-write it as if you were 7, etc.

This genuinely saved my essays. Suddenly the procrastination of reading my source material was gone. It makes it so much easier to get through dense/boring text and then I wrote everything myself.

Please do not plagiarise, I am only recommending this site to make things easier to read, copying down what it produces is considered plagiarism by my uni, and likely most others.

8. Final Tip

Be kind to yourself.

When I got medicated, my friends were genuinely stressed by how much work I was suddenly doing.

One of them asked me about it, and I realised it didn't feel like I was doing any more than normal. I had always been working this hard, it was just that half the energy going in wasn't being wasted on trying to get myself to focus.

What you put in may not receive the same results as for others, but the reality is that you're likely working harder than they are. The irritating truth is simply that we have to compensate for the different cognitive functioning that neurotypicals get to take for granted

(no hate to the NTs, I'm glad ya'll don't have to think about it, but for someone with ADHD, it can be really tough to realise)

A Final Note:

You are smart. You can do this. We just need to modify the system a little to make it work for us. There is no shame in that, anyone telling you otherwise needs a reality check.

Genuinely though, I've noticed that people telling me I use my ADHD accommodations (required by law) as a 'crutch'.

1. If the world were set up by me, that same person would struggle just as much, if not more.

2. If Rishi Sunak's government is willing to GIVE ME FREE MONEY to access these accommodations, that implies that this genuinely is needed. Not because I think Sunak is intelligent or kind (my own political opinions, please just hear me out), but because there is no way, with the underfunding of the NHS, Public services, etc. that they'd be willing to give me money I don't need to repay if it wasn't a scientific fact that I needed it, and it helped.

Use the inadequacies of the government to your advantage in arguments, make the idiots see how integral our accommodations are. I'd have dropped out of uni by now without them.

For anyone in need of help trying to convince family/friends/teachers/etc. of the struggle with ADHD (or anything else, though I won't have as much experience with it), telling them what you need help with, or any other arguments, send me an ask. I do psychology for my degree, I am used to searching for research papers, and I will help you with the necessary scientific backing for your case.

You are not in this alone <3

Lots of Love!

Coffee + Guitar Strings

@chocolatelandgarden @chaoticstudyprincess

[hitomisuzuya]

Scaramouche x fem!reader. Smut. Degradation. Praise. A sprinkle of sensory deprivation. Possessive behavior. College AU

Tagging @xxventiswindblumexx cause they linked me to this playlist that had random voice lines of Scara speaking in the middle of song and it distracted me so many times. They watched my struggle on chat lol. Song choice is ET by Katy Perry.

Scaramouche had no idea if you could feel his glare piercing into you. He sat on the edge of his bed, watching you work.

Your hair was in those long loose pony tails you divided your hair into sometimes. He especially loved to pull on them, especially if he wanted a kiss or something more.

He could smell that you'd changed your perfume to the scent you wore in the winter months. He thought the light pink color of the perfume in the bottle didn't suit you the first time he had sprayed it on his wrist so he could smell you. He doubted you knew he'd first done that while you were taking some new first years out on a trail ride. But the scent, the scent suites you well, he thought. Scaramouche was positive winter had a scent, it would smell like your perfume.

Then let the world be sentenced a lifetime of frost and snow.

Scaramouche heard you hum softly to yourself, some song you'd heard on the radio earlier.

He'd had enough. How dare you make noises that weren't being caused by his touch. How dare you smell so good.

But most of all, how dare you act so composed with your precious concentration unfazed, not focused on him, especially now that you were alone with him. Scaramouche knew he could snap your concentration like a twig underneath his feet. Even better that you were focused on something horse related. It was the extra cherry on top for him.

I mean, it must be so exhausting, concentrating so hard when you were around horses. One wrong move and things could go badly in an instant. All it would take was a single loud noise.

Scaramouche smacked a hand down on his desk next to your hand. He got a sigh but nothing more than that. He'd made corner of the paper flutter a little. He reached up and tugged on one of your ponytails, curling the end around his fingers. His eyes widened when he saw goosebumps prickle onto your skin.

Time to push a bit more.

He tucked a some stray strands of hair that had fallen loose from your ponytails behind your ear. "This isn't important to you anymore," he murmured, husky in your ear.

You shivered when you felt his breath lick at your ear. You stiffened. "I need to get this done, Scara. I told her that I would help her with this new horse," you said, doing your best to ignore him.

Scaramouche took the pencil out of your hand, snapping it in two, his black nails contrasting with the wood. "No, you don't. You said yourself that they aren't a good match. She is too *green and the horse is too young. She can barely saddle him without crying to you for help. Don't coddle her. She probably thinks she is your equal."

He laughed, sounding like honey in your ears. "Look at me, the nerdy horse girl is making me use terms I don't understand. I'm just as pathetic as you are."

You flicked the pieces of the pencil across his desk, brushing off the paper filled with notes and tips. "Takes someone green to know someone green, Scara," you replied.

His eyebrow twitched.

"I don't think you heard me, slut. I believe I made myself clear that you are finished helping her. It is not your job to look after them. Especially not when I want your attention instead," he snapped, yanking on one of your ponytails. "These are my rabbits feet to tug on as I please. You were wearing your hair like this when we first met."

"As their Captain, it is my job," you said firmly. You needed to have a firm hand to handle Scaramouche. He loved that about you. Usually everyone was afraid to talk back to him. But not you. "Five minutes, okay?"

Scaramouche's fingers brushed against your throat, hovering a hand over your eyes. "Those five minutes have already passed," his hand dipped down into your shirt, groping one of your breasts.

You would focus on him like he wanted.

"I can hear your heart starting to pound. You are frantically trying to figure out where my hand is going to go next. I wish I could see the look on your face," he pinch your nipple outside of your bra, his mouth watering when he pulled your first sigh of pleasure.

Time to stop on your concentration and composure and grind it into dust.

Scaramouche's hand left your bra to trace his fingers along the length of your neck, dipping into your shoulders and down your arm. "Your body is begging for my touch. And your mouth certainly doesn't lie either. You are starting to moan whether you can hear yourself or not." Unbuttoning your pants, he probed his fingers against your clit, making a damp patch form. "It doesn't take much to wind you up. You are already wet for me."

You moved one of your legs so that your knee rested against the side of his desk. "You are making it hard to concentrate.." you trailed off, grinding up into his fingers.

Now he had you right where he wanted. Time to make you squirm a little. Dent your pride and make you submit completely. "Admit it, say you would rather ride me instead and I may grant you the privilege even though you back talked me."

"You are impossible..ahhh.." his fingers dipped into your panties and between your folds. The sensation was heightened from lack of sight.

"You want my fingers, don't you. Just say it, your time belongs to me first and foremost. I don't give just any whore my time and attention. Only you have that honor," he rubbed the pads of his fingers against your clit, teasing his fingers at your entrance.

You choke back a whine, pressing your thighs together for my friction. You hated that he made you feel so weak so fast. Maybe some part of you wanted to act undignified, that you were tired of always conducting yourself with a straight posture and a polite tone.

"What, no comeback for me. If that's how it's gonna be then," Scaramouche paused in thought for a moment. Taking his fingers off of your pussy earned the sweetest sound of desperation. He pushed two fingers into your mouth, pressing down in your tongue so he pump his fingers in your mouth. He laughed again, making you moan as you sucked on his fingers.

"You always suck on my fingers like you suck on my cock. Your mouth looks the prettiest wrapped around it. Now say it, kitten. Say you want me and I'll gladly let your slutty mouth go to work." Scaramouche removed his fingers, tugging the your hair ties out your hair. "I'll need all of your hair to fuck your throat. Now use your words."

You couldn't offer him a response as he pulled you the your hair to your feet. Instead, you showed him by sinking to your knees.

*green means a beginner.

[radiostaticsmile]

Safety and rapid attachment in BPD

People with BPD often form rapid and intense attachments to new people, and this can be especially intense when both people have BPD. These rapid attachments can be dangerous and painful, since you start to get very close to a person before seeing them in many situations and really knowing them. Most of the advice I have received as a person with BPD is to just avoid these kind of attachments. However, in my experience, that will just lead to me self-isolating, because I literally do not know how to make friends with a new person otherwise. I am sort of an all or nothing person, I can let myself talk about everything and be very familiar with someone or I can be entirely closed off and struggle to connect at all.  Additionally, attachment to a new person in this intense fashion causes feelings of euphoria, which I think people with BPD should be allowed to enjoy.

Our goal should not be to have relationships that look like everyone else’s, even if that were possible, which I really do not think that it is. Forcing yourself not to have these attachments can be harmful. However, like I said, these kind of attachments can be dangerous, especially for people who are emotionally volatile like people with BPD are. So instead we need to focus on how to have these kind of attachments safely. The following is advice on how to do this, based on my own experience as a person with BPD who as experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly as a result of rapid intense attachment.

Possible results of attachment

There are three possible results of a rapid attachment. Knowing what all three of them are, and most importantly accepting that they may happen, is important in both keeping yourself safe and treating the person you are attached to well. When you are intensely attached and it is going well, it can feel like you can trust that person with your life, and it is going to last forever. It is not. The intense attachment phase will end, and it is important to know that. It is really a sad news, because it honestly is the best feeling in the world. Something being temporary doesn’t mean you shouldn't enjoy it, however. So enjoy your feelings, lean into them as much as the person you are with consents to it, but accept the that it is not a permanent state. Accepting this can help prevent a BPD crash when it does start to fade in intensity, and it can help you keep an eye out for signs that it is going to end badly.

So what are these three ways it can end?

1. The relationship cools down, but remains good.

This is the ideal! Yippee, you have yourself a new friend. You may miss the intense feelings you had in the beginning, but they can and will come back sometimes, especially if your relationship is kinky and you do a scenario lol. But you are unlikely to have that constant obsession feeling long term, it will come and go or it may stop and you will have a more regular relationship. It is okay to feel less intensely about the person! It doesn’t mean you don’t like them anymore, it just means that intensity is difficult to maintain for a long time!

One important thing to remember about this is that the person you are attaching to may reach this phase before you do! You may have been constantly messaging in the beginning, and now they are replying less often and doing other things. This does not mean they do not like you any more! BPD makes us very sensitive to rejection, and someone reaching this phase before you can hurt! But I promise everything is okay, and this is what you want to eventually happen, because it is what allows you to be able to have a sustainable long term relationship. Do some coping mechanism things while your person is busy, play your favorite games, talk to other friends, color or draw, whatever helps you feel better when you are down. Do not try to make the person talk to you more than is comfortable for them! This is crossing their boundaries and will either scare them away or damage them mentally.

2. The relationship fizzles or ends because of an incompatibility.

When forming an intense attachment, you tend to think about the other person 24/7. You form an idea of them in your head that you really like, but since you do not actually know them that well this idea may not actually match the reality of what that person is like. Sometimes after a bit one or both of you will realize you aren’t actually as compatible as you thought! This is okay! This is normal to happen when getting to know a new person, and you are still getting to know a new person even if they feel very familiar quickly! If this happens, it is important to learn to let the relationship go. Realize they aren’t the person you imagined, and don’t try to force them to change to be that person, and don’t try to convince yourself you still like them if you don’t. It is okay to thank them for the good time and part ways! Often this will just kinda be a fizzling in conversation and both people message less until you just kinda stop. You may need to let the other person know that you do not want the relationship to continue though if they are still interested but you are not. Tell them firmly but politely you are no longer interested. This can be scary but it is important to assert your boundaries! If they try to argue and continue when you are no longer interested, block them. No one is entitled to your time or affection!

3. Abuse and mistreatment.

This is the worst case scenario, and unfortunately it is not uncommon. When you attach to someone quickly, you can often make yourself vulnerable to someone when you don’t know them well yet. Personally, I think it is okay to share personal things quickly, since I do not know how to connect to people otherwise and have a bad sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. Instead, it is important to look for signs that the person is using the things you tell them against you. If you tell them something personal and they then use that to trigger you on purpose or control your behavior, run immediately.

In addition to those who are purposefully using your vulnerability to take advantage of you, there are people who will abuse you on accident. In my experience this is actually a lot more common, so it is important to look out for the signs. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, acting entitled to your time and attention when you are not able or not wanting to give it, or trying to change who you are or modify your behavior, run. And by modify your behavior I do not mean boundary setting or them asking you to treat them differently; that is normal relationship negotiation. I mean if someone is trying to get you to change your sleeping or eating habits for them, control who else you talk to, push you to do something you are not comfortable with, or just trying to control what you do when it has nothing to do with them. People can raise concerns if they are worried about you, but they should not be trying to force you to do anything.

Sometimes people think they are doing these things ‘for your own good’. It is for no ones good to have their autonomy taken away, or to live in fear of upsetting or disappointing another person, or to have to live up to impossible standards. Some people will do this because they cannot let go of the idea they made of you in their head, and are trying to make you into the person they wanted you to be. This is why it is so important not to try to force that onto someone; not only is it not going to work and you will be disappointed, You will be abusing them. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Learn to let go if you need to or accept them for who they actually are. This is so so so deeply important.

It can be difficult to admit when someone you like is abusing or mistreating you. After all, you like them a lot and they made you feel so good. You think maybe you can teach them how to treat you well. You can’t. Even if you could, it will hurt you the whole time. It is not your job. If someone starts to disrespect your boundaries, you gotta go. If they mess up a couple times and apologize, that is okay, but if they keep doing it thats no good, even if they apologize, because they are showing you they are not putting in the effort to change the behavior and not hurt you. I know it hurts and its hard and they will probably be mad and that makes it scary. You still gotta do it as soon as possible, the longer you stay the harder it will be. Its okay to block them on everything. Its okay to leave without explanation (though its nice to give one). YOUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FEELINGS! 

Other things to keep in mind

Honestly just keeping those three ending possibilities in mind and accepting the reality is the number one thing you must do to keep yourself safe in a rapid attachment relationship, but there are a few other things to keep in mind.

1. Boundary setting.

As I mentioned above, your boundaries are important! Setting clear boundaries and expectations for what you want out of the relationship, and leaving if the other person cannot respect that, will keep you safe and happy. Often I have been in an intense attachment relationship where I wanted it to be romantically kinky but not romantic, and the other person interprets romance where I did not intend it. Once this happened the other way around where I thought the relationship was romantic and the other person did not intend that. By being very clear about what you want, what you are open to, and what you are not open to, you can prevent pain and misunderstanding for both of you. It may feel a bit weird to talk about if you are open to dating or not early in a relationship where neither of you may really be planning on it, but it can honestly be useful for both people to know. If you ask about this and the person gets weirded out you can link them this essay to explain, lol.

2. Be careful about doing things that are hard to undo.

Speaking of dating, people who attach quickly will often also start dating quickly. THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!! I will not stop you, you can make your own decisions, but it is a lot more difficult and painful to end a relationship with an official dynamic like dating than it is to just stop talking to someone you are getting to know and don’t have an official relationship of any kind with. I know you feel very intensely and you feel like you love them and you will love them forever, but you might not! And if you do turn out to be perfect for each other long term you have plenty of time! It is okay to be fun and flirty, its ok to be horny and lovey, but please both be clear that you are not intending that to be an official relationship (see above point) and WAIT TO DATE. 

(And don’t say that it is okay for them to tell their friends that you are their partner if you do not consider yourself so. I once told someone this because they said they just wanted an easier way to explain it to people, but then they took that and decided we were actually dating because of it, I didn’t know how to boundary set and say no, felt trapped and had to break up with a person I never intended to be dating. Do not confuse your terms!!)

I think that’s all. Please add on to this if I missed something you learned in your experience!!

[comfyhome]

hey there !! i was kind of doomscrolling your blog at 1-2 am and came across a few posts that made me realize i gotta turn around my thinking on vore (mostly the part where i'm older than someone and being afraid of getting in trouble for something like a "hi!! i love your art !!" yk ?) and also just be comfortable with it instead of being ashamed. do you have any tips ?

i want to be able to me comfortable with this aspect of myself (bc i use it to cope) and not be all Grody and Stinky™️ like some other not-so-cool people

-🎠

aw hey haha!!! I was wondering why I had so many notifs >:]

I really struggled with this interest of mine for a long time, so I understand you. when I was younger I actually convinced myself I hated it to try to feel “normal”. It took a long time to break free of that mindset and accept that this was a major part of my life.

the fact that you’re self-conscious about how you don’t want to come off (and you’re afraid of coming off badly) already means you aren’t “Grody and Stinky™️” at all! you sincerely just want to enjoy this thing that comforts you and be a good person while you do it, and that’s admirable. good job!!!

personally, I still struggle with feeling ashamed of this interest of mine sometimes, and I think a little bit of embarrassment is okay. I’m not one to preach it to the world, but I know that my interest is completely harmless and makes me happy no matter how silly it seems. remember: you’re not hurting a soul by liking something “weird”!

I hope I was able to help even a little — good luck! :]

[mellybouboulove]

My guardian angel🤍𓆩♡𓆪☁️

Chapter 9

Plot summary: Drug Dealer Ellie Williams X OFC slowburn fic, out of universe and takes place in college, set in the 2000s. Smut content to come.

previous: Chapter 8 next: soon

a.n : sorry for the absence guys I've been struggling with my mom's trial for robbery while also dealing with my final exam weeks it's been a tough time :/ I hope i'll be able to be more active from now on <33 thanks for the support the first chapter has been blowing up don't hesitate to share it if you enjoy it and submit your suggestions :)

Tags: #wlw #sapphic #drugdealer!ellie #modern!ellie #tlou #slowburn #smut #fluff #tlouau #au #modernau #drugs

CHAPTER 9

It was a lonely Monday at Ellie's appartement; I was getting bored and lazy about everything. I decided to turn the tv on when this report on the devastating effects of drugs in working-class neighbourhoods started playing, all those lives ruined and lost because of what my girlfriend had to sell to make a living.

It didn't make me feel anything to see these consequences, all I could think of at this exact moment was the long list of reasons why users are ready to pay so much, firstly for their emotional fragility and then for all the recreational effects I needed so badly.

 The last couple weeks, her flat became like an open house, several times a day her colleagues would come hide the bags and take them away. Ellie acted as if everything was normal and usual, she thought I was too stupid to realize what was going on around me. I gradually came to understand what I was up against when I went out with a drug dealer, the secrecy, the lies, always waiting for a message from her 'work' or some bad news related to it. I never tried to talk to her about it in anticipation of our first conflict, our first real problem as a couple, I wanted our relationship to remain purely perfect for as long as possible.

 Earlier in the day Ellie was unreachable, on my way to her house I saw 3 police cars leaving her building, worried sick and still without any news I spent about 2 hours waiting for her on her doorstep. When she arrived, she only told me she didn't have time to talk and took 3 bags full of drugs, probably to hide them somewhere else. I was still waiting for her to come back home. 

The report continued to run in the background, with a journalist depicting the virtues of cocaine. If I'm going to be forced into the world of drugs, I might as well not fall victim to it entirely and enjoy it, after all I deserve it. For the first time I allowed myself to go through Ellie's things looking for drugs, in fact me going through her things was the first problem of this situation but as long as she didn't find out I could pretend it didn't happen. It was the only thing left for me to do, I was getting crazy in this apartment. It would be stupid not to take the opportunity seeing everyone leaving huge bags full of what I was craving.

I knew that drugs were everywhere in her place, she'd left the bags at her colleagues’  but I know that she has to keep some on her in case of an urgent need from a client. Sometimes she was keeping it hidden in her alarm clock, sometimes it was in her guitar or any kind of personal matter that she hoped no-one would think of. At first I headed for her office, nothing to report. In her pillow were small transparent bags of heart-shaped pills whose dosage I didn't know so I decided not to take the risk. After spending the afternoon looking into her belongings, I was pleasantly surprised to see that Ellie wasn't hiding anything from me, no trace of other girls or anything I wasn't already aware of. I ended up finding powder behind a piece of furniture. I didn't know what it was either but I was so desperate and tired from my little investigation that I decided to take some of it.

I felt something very strong take hold of me, I had never felt such effects before, a wave of energy overwhelmed me and I could not stand still. The guilt of having relapsed, of having gone through Ellie's things, of not being able to recover a normal life since that stupid accident, my anger at Ellie’s job for polluting my life and our relationship, all these thoughts swirled around in my head and increased tenfold. 

Finally she came in:

- Ellie wtf where were you ?? I was worried sick, I stayed there all day waiting for you can’t you answer your goddamn phone for once?? I left you hundreds of text messages. Are you serious? - Relax babe I got us chinese food and a good movie for tonight. Let’s chill a little. I'm so tired. 

I was shocked by her behavior, pretending like it was a normal day while I spent it alone getting crazy in between these four walls. I felt the anger boiling in my veins, it was just a matter of time until I exploded. I stood still, watching in disbelief trying to contain myself. At least I thought that’s what I was doing but my body was all tensed up, I was shaking, clenching my fists really hard and digging my nails as deep as I could in the palms of hands; I felt my body heat rise up in a second, my cheeks were burning. 

Ellie was in her room to change into more comfortable clothes, I heard her movements, she was making a lot of noise, moving her stuff around as if she was looking for something, just the same noises I made all day while looking for her drug. 

I still couldn’t move except for shaking and digging my nails deeper when I heard firm loud footsteps coming near me. 

- Maya wtf did you do ?? Are you fucking serious ? Looking into my stuff really?? For what huh? Were you looking for drugs maybe? I can’t believe you, you're so pathetic, I trusted you, I’m out of the house just one day and you go around all my personal belongings without any shame, not even tryna hide it leaving all the mess ?? 

As she was arguing with me I felt a wave of adrenaline hit me and started screaming at her face, my body finally allowing me to move again but without me being in control of anything. 

- I fucking hate you you’re a worthless bitch you’re never here your stupid job is ruining everything I hate you leaving me dying in this fuck ass apartment of yours while you’re out there doing god knows what you’re leaving drugs everywhere in house of course i’m gonna take it im sure you left it here on purpose, tempting me for me to take it so I can just die because you don’t give a fuck you just wanna get rid of me. Didn’t think I would manage to get sober in the first place huh?? But that was the deal if I was sober we could date now you’re stuck with me you needed to get rid of me that’s what you wanted. 

As I was talking, without even realizing it I started pushing furniture to the ground and throwing anything I could catch at her face. She was just standing there doing nothing which only infuriated me more. 

- CAN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING??! CAN’T YOU FUCKING REACT FOR ONCE?? You’re such a useless stupid whore you’re lucky you have me, no one wants you you’d be all alone if this wasn’t for me.

Without saying anything, she went back to her room and I could hear the same sounds of her looking through her stuff again. I then saw her coming back with her backpack. She took a box in a shelf and got a bunch of drugs out of it and dug it into her pocket. She zipped her jacket up and looked at me. 

- Eat the food while it’s hot, there’s no drugs in the house anymore so don’t waste your time making a mess in the remaining rooms. I’m not talking to you when you’re like that. 

Before I even had the time to process her words, I heard the door closing behind her and the sound of her car’s motor driving away as I stood still in the same place. I stayed alone in her apartment crying wondering if everything that had just happened was real.

[notmyprey]

Tw: A LOT of fatal vore mentions!!!! Injury and some gore. But keep in mind, no one dies, just gets badly hurt.

Betrayal part 1

I've never had many people trust me. It's not that I break promises or that I steal, nothing like that. I just rarely get close to people. But then I met you.

It's been months since I first found out you had been living in the walls of my apartment. Exactly how long have you been there? Neither of us knew, since you dont track time too well, and I hadn't known you were even here till recently. But from what I've gathered from your ramblings, it's been at least a year.

It took a while for you to work up the courage to see me. At first, you wouldn't even come out of the home you had made between my walls. But after about a week of us talking through the wooden panels, I finally convinced you to come out.

The first thing I noticed was that you were small, you were so small, in fact, I could easily compare you to the size of the Barbie dolls I used to play with.

After that, we hit it off. We were best friends, I believe. You loved listening to me talk about the outside world, and I listened to you talk about what new movie you watched. Sometimes, we would talk while cooking together, others we would lie in bed, with you atop my chest listening to my heart while I described what it's like to go to the store.

We were close, very close. That's at least what it looked like. But deep down, something else was stirring, a buzz in my brain that had been there since the day I first heard your voice. I didn't actually care about you. That's what I had to convince myself to think.

All I was doing was waiting for the perfect time to act, that's all. I didn't care about you, I refused to think how lonely I would be without you. I didn't actually like you, never.

I didn't wake up at night and lay my hand across your chest just to know if you were still breathing. I didn't glance over at you when I joked, just to see your smile. I never saw you like that. Because the voices told me you were nothing more than food.

If I thought too much deeper, I knew I would never be able to look at you again for the amount of shame I'd feel would be too great. So I didn't think about it. You were food, and I refused to think any deeper.

Although the voices were hungry, I told myself that I must wait for the perfect conditions. You had to be tired, so you wouldn't squirm too much. I had to have gotten a good nights rest, so I could chase you if needed. No one could be coming to my house that day, nor could I have any meetings. I needed to just have gone grocery shopping so that people wouldn't hear or see you withering in my gut. This list continued, being added almost endlessly any time I thought of something else to make it even just a little bit longer. But most importantly, I needed you to trust me. I needed to wait until you trusted me more than anything.

I didn't think that would happen. I never thought all conditions would ever be met, and I think some small part of me created the conditions to never be met. But today, when I got out of bed and turned to face you, that's when I knew each box had been checked.

I tried to turn back, I really did. But the voices had grown louder than ever before, and before I knew it, I was gripping your tiny form in between both of my hands.

You didn't move. You didn't even struggle, only gazing up at me, confusion and worry spreading across your face.

Like that, we stayed for a moment, my hungry eyes not seeming to be understood by you. You smile at me and ask if I'm alright, I didn't respond. I knew if I took even the slightest effort to talk, every emotion I had held back behind the wall of hunger would spill out. So I didn't talk.

Instead, I focused on the now. This is the moment I have waited months for. This is the moment I've envisioned in ever so much detail. How nice you would feel on my tongue, the small kicks that would start to come from my stomach as you fought against your final resting place. But between the hungry voices, gnawing at my brain, telling me to shove you down my awaiting throat, I found myself thinking of the stuff I've avoided for so long. How I would miss you small weight on my chest, how I would miss you talking durring movies, telling me about how this actor played in another movie, or how the sequel contradicts whats said in the original.

Shaking, I held you up closer, my hands moving without me telling them to. I thought of how much I've grown to like you. Your head touched my tongue, sending chills of flavor unlike any other down my spine. I thought about how much you trusted me. You didn't move, limply letting my tongue move around your face. I thought about how much love you had shown me. I swallowed, sending your head and sholders into my throat. I thought about how much I felt I needed you here with me. Another swallow, this one more powerful, sending your whole torso and upper legs into the confines of my throat. You meant so much to me. One more swallow, and all that was left were your feet in my mouth. But you're only food, right? The rest of you was sent into the ever waiting void of my throat with one more slow, thick gulp.

My head started to feel heavy since you took up quite a bit of the space in my throat, space that was often used to breathe. But soon, I felt you slip into my stomach. I brased myself, waiting for the kicks that were soon to come. But I felt nothing. A small flicker of movement in my abdomen made me flinch, but it quickly stopped again.

I wanted to run my hand across you, but something seemed to be stopping me. Guilt, perhaps? I think whatever it was, it was the same thing stopping me from looking down on myself. I felt gross, somewhat sick, almost like I had just eaten something I wasn't supposed to. Perhaps that was the guilt, too?

"Did I taste good?" Your small voice echoed through my head. I could hardly think it was real, but it would have been hard to have guilt hallucinate a voice from someone now so close to me.

I couldn't bring myself to answer, not because the answer was unclear, but because my voice refused to come out. No matter how I tried, the most I could do was whine a pathetic, "ya," in response.

Tears started to flow down my cheeks. Everything felt overwhelming all of a sudden. I flopped onto the floor, bringing my knees to my chest. As I did so, I could feel you curl up too, your tiny form now compressed more now that I was putting more pressure on my middle.

That's when I started crying. Goodness knows why, but now Im sure the emotion I was feeling was horrible, gut-wrenching guilt. Months of effort, love, and care down the drain because I couldn't contain myself.

Your small hand pressed against me from the inside, I think you started talking, but my head was throbbing, drowning out your words. Without warning, you screamed out in pain. Your speaking became more panicked, like something was stealing your ability to breathe. Soon, you had started crying, too.

I could hardly take it, my heart wrenched ever so painfully. How had I ever thought I should do this? How could I ever do this? The illness in my stomach came to its peak, and my eyes started to blur as I hunched over. You started to get forced back up my throat. Soon, I tasted you once again on my tongue, this time though you didn't taste pleasant.

It was a mixture of your original sweetness, but it was nearly drowned out completely by the bitter acid and sour blood that came with it.

Soon, through the tears still draining from my eyes, I saw your body hit the floor in a mixture of other fluids. While still foggy, my mind seemed to work with me, telling my arms to scoop you up and for my legs to tumble towards the bathroom. I set you down in the sink, not even bothering to wipe my blurry eyes as I turn on the cold water. With a couple of blinks, my vision cleared enough to focus. Your left eye was swollen, closed shut with red and yellow liquid flowing around it. Though comparatively, the rest of you didn't look nearly as bad, I knew it still hurt. Any time I glanced at a new area of exposed skin, I found a new red burn, showing the bloody flesh underneath.

You started to shiver, but I couldn't take you out of the water yet. I needed to make sure all of the acid was off of you. Soon though, after I thought that everything was rinsed off, I sped to the closet to grab a towel, then started gently drying you off. While you continued to dry off and wrap the towel around you, I rummaged through my first aid kit to find something to wrap over your eye.

Dropping to one knee to get a better look, I gently placed some tissue over your eye, then wrapped a cloth bandage over it to keep it in place.

I dropped my hands to my side, unable to take my eyes off you. Not even 20 minutes ago, you had been smiling up at me, happy and healthy. Now, I knew I'd never see that side of you again.

[embrosegraves]

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕄𝕠𝕠𝕟 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕤

(request) Sebastian Vettel x Reader (he/they) Kids: Vincent/Vince (4) and Miriam/Mimi (5 months)

Warnings: Mentions of Reader not having a good childhood, mentions of Bad Mental Health™, self-doubt from reader, badly written angst?

It had been an unbelievable few years for the Vettel household. First Sebastian married the love of his life and they moved to a farm in Switzerland. They spent three years together before they adopted an energetic 2-year-old boy named Vincent. They were a perfect family of three. Sebastian retired from Formula One when Vince was 3 and a year later they found themselves at home with a now 4-year-old son and a newly adopted 5-month-old baby girl, Miriam.  

It was everything Seb could’ve asked for. He had a husband and two gorgeous children, he had never been more satisfied with anything in his life. 

Sebastian was so in love with his life that his heart shattered when he saw his life partner struggling. Y/n put up a good show in front of the children, but Sebastian and Y/n had been together for close to 9 years. Not to mention that they had known each other for 13 years. All that to say, Sebastian basically knew them better than themself. So he knew that while Y/n was outwardly happy and excited, their mind was in the trenches between anxiety and doubt. 

Seb could see that he was struggling with something and it physically pained him to not know how to help. Y/n was the single most important thing in his life. Every fibre of his being was made to love him and to make him feel happy and safe. He had to try something to help.

Prior to getting together with Seb, Y/n had explained vaguely what it had been like growing up for them. How they had to basically raise themself from a very early age. The sad fact was, Y/n had never had a consistent flow of positive affirmation or physical affection until finding Sebastian. Growing up both things had been a taboo. Meeting Sebastian had made Y/n determined to break the generational cycle before it had time to fully begin. Sometimes that mindset was hard to keep. Especially when asked a seemingly innocent question from a totally clueless 4-year-old. 

Vince hadn’t even asked Y/n the question, but he had overheard the small boy ask Sebastian. 

“How much am I loved?”

Those five words had sent Y/n into a silent spiral for days. Y/n hadn’t bothered to stick around to hear Sebastian answer the question. Instead, they tried as best they could to continue the day as normal. Why did Vince ask that, of all questions? Y/n was aware that children were always curious about everything, and they knew that it was more than likely just a child’s healthy curiosity. But curiosity had to start somewhere, right? What happened for their son to ask how much he was loved. 

Had he turned into his parents? Had he, without realising, not shown or said how much he absolutely adored his child? Did he somehow do the one thing that he swore he never would? Just the thought of it made him feel sick to his stomach. 

Sitting on the couch one evening, Baby Mimi asleep in one arm while the other circled around a sleeping Vince, Y/n found themself within their mind once again. Thinking about everything they had done leading up to Vince asking that dreaded question. He couldn’t pinpoint anything that seemed out of the ordinary. Nothing had changed in the dynamic since they had adopted their first child. Y/n blinked away the tears forming in his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, my loves.” Y/n whispered as they looked at their children. Their voice was choked with emotion as they spoke.

“I’m sorry I haven’t done better. I promised myself that I would be better, and it’s not just myself that I’ve let down.” Y/n sniffled. “I said, years ago, that I would never become the people that raised me. That I would stop the cycle before it could begin, but clearly I’ve failed.” 

Sebastian had stopped just before the doorway to the living room, having heard his husband speaking to the no doubt sleeping children. 

“I wish that I could take back every moment you ever doubted my love for you. Prove that I am not my parents and that you are the most important parts of my life. I never want for you to feel how I did as a child.” 

Sebastian couldn’t take it anymore. He walked into the room, gently picked up his son and sat down next to Y/n. Keeping an arm around Vince, he used his free arm to wrap around his partner and pull them close to him. 

Sebastian pressed a lingering kiss to Y/n temple and whispered to him. “They do not doubt your love for them, Blume. I promise you.”

“How would you know that? I have failed as a parent if my child has to ask if he is loved.” Y/n took a shuddering breath, trying to stop themself from bawling their eyes out. 

“I know because I asked. Vince knows how much you love him, he knows how much I love him and I have no doubt in my mind that Mimi also knows how much we love her.”

“Papa, how much am I loved?” 

Sebastian looked at the 4-year-old in his arms, “Why do you ask?” 

“Baba always says that he loves you to the moon. And then you always say that you love Baba for all the stars.” 

“We do say that, yes.” Sebastian could help but smile at his son. He knew that for the young boy to know the endearment he exchanged with his husband, he would’ve had to hear it often. It pleased him to know that his children were growing up surrounded by the notion that affection and openly loving someone was a good thing.

“I just wanted to know how much I was loved. Like you and Baba.”

Adjusting Vince so that he could see his face, Sebastian gave a kiss to his forehead. “Baba and I love you so much that there is nothing we could compare it to”

The boy looked at his father, “And Mimi too?” 

“Of course Mimi too. There is nothing in the whole world that Baba and I love more than the two of you.” 

“Not even your trophies? Baba says you love them a lot.” Vince said, laying his head on Sebastian’s shoulder.

“My trophies don’t even come close, Kleine.” 

Sebastian pulled his husband closer as he finished speaking. I was silent for a moment before Seb spoke up again. 

“You have not failed as a parent, and I know that you will never fail. I have seen how much our son adores you. In every language I know there are not enough words to explain how much he loves you.” 

Sebastian knew that it wasn’t going to be easy to convince his partner that they didn’t need to be upset or worried. He knew that it was hard to come back from your mind. Especially if you had been there for a while. Sebastian was determined to help his partner, no matter how long it took him. He would go to the ends of the Earth if it meant that Y/n knew how much their little family loved them. He would trade every Championship trophy in the world to show Y/n that they are nothing like the people who raised them (because they sure as shit weren’t parents). 

“I love you so much that seeing you doubt yourself hurts me. You are the best damn parent for our children and I just wish that you could see that.”

It might take me a while but I can potentially do a part 2 for this if people liked it.

but anyways, I hope everyone enjoyed <3

[sordidmusings]

Just a life update and opening!

Brought up because of an ask wondering if I still do stuff here so I figured I'd put out some of whats goin on if anyone is interested! Also throwing it into the void of the internet feels less guilt inducing than forcing it on specific people especially after how overwhelmed folks tend to be cuz I'm bad at metering it out and not just being like 'light jokes about struggle that don't scratch the surface or say anything meaningful' and 'here is all the dark lore' 💀 It's also been a struggle because there really does sometimes feel like theres a whole ass language barrier within your own language when you're AuDHD.

I do still do headcanons and write and draw and yada yada there’s just been quite a bit happening and I’m doing poorly at keeping up with life maintenance let alone things I enjoy 🥴 with writing especially in my hobbies I find myself discouraged in what feels like poor quality of my writing and seeing that reflected back to me because I am Weak 💀 general overview of some of the bigger problems below the cut if you’re interested but I won’t bother y’all with the whole picture! Will be more a summary/overview/alluding to things over getting into gory details. Basically a lot will be covered but I won’t force anything below the broad strokes on y'all.

The end is an ask for people to please reach out if they are struggling so please take that seriously. I offer a space with me but please find wherever in this world you are at least somewhat comfortable and have someone be there with you while you process 🤍 I will have a header above that little piece just incase you'd like to skip to only reading that which is completely fine!

CW for mental health talks, allusions to family issues, references to rape and abuse, death by suicide, and suicidal ideation.

What's Up, Doc?

Between hospitalizations (old and new issues and unfortunate near misses 🤡), my couple jobs (the days my body ain’t tryin to give up and even some days it still is means back to the grindstone. Thank you capitalistic overlords 💀), money stresses (medical debt plus just like y'all know shit ain’t the best for most everyone rn), the spring struggle (nightmares + flashbacks get worse from seasonal + anniversaries of men not caring for consent amongst other things lmaoooo), the mental health slew (diagnosed with AuDHD and most of the big hitters besides a personality disorder), and a few other life happenings and old traumas I’m doing a terrible job at everything 🤡 most of it ain’t new so I know all the proper things to do to help for everything from years of therapy and managing the symptoms and all that but dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s hasn’t been offering any relief for a long while so I’m floundering and quite exhausted.

The health issues making everything difficult and painful ain’t helping but I’m also not being the best at taking care of some of them because Why Bother 💀 Many are issues I’ve had for years that ebb and flow in severity and I’m just tired of feeling them and having to manage them. I’m sure any of you with chronic issues understand the feeling well. Those with years and years of major depressive disorder probably also understand the frustration and exhaustion and guilt with knowing you should enjoy something, you WANT to enjoy it, but your body just can’t produce the reaction it should.

I tend to isolate because I’m managing it poorly enough that the topic tends to crop up with the closer few if they ask and that goes Badly cuz, even if they think they won’t, people get uncomfy with the topics which just makes me feel Worse from guilt and sometimes frustration from it being passed over for their comfort or lack of understanding. I am lucky enough to have more recently found one person who Gets It and a beloved soul from lovely old Jersey came back into my life so the bigger problem in that situation is me allowing myself to consistently receive support from them 🤡 One’s so sweet always telling me I can call any time and the other is of the same vein and my dumbass brain keeps being like “but that would bother them” or the usual “you deserve to get worse not get help” 🤡🤡🤡. Clown ass behavior.

Also some bad coping mechanisms make my typing and communication sloppy as hell and I’m quite ashamed of that so best hide that away while it’s going on 💀 due to insistence that it’s Fine I have forgone that instinct to what feels like very Poor Result 🥴 ah the eternal struggle between needing to be Seen to fight the sense of isolation and worthlessness but also being petrified of being perceived while imperfect. Not having any of the connections really be in person doesn’t help too much with feelings isolation because I don't really have anyone around me besides parents that have literally said "why are you making us deal with this" about the intentional near death miss 💀💀💀 my immediate world feels very much like it wants me gone in explicit and subtle ways but c'est la vie. Beggars can’t be choosers so at this point I’m likely just being ungrateful 🤡

One thing making it harder to keep trying is my folks’ years of insistence that I don’t understand my own experience and I’m just dramatic and make things up. It’s an echo of many painful experiences including a whole group intentionally playing games with my sense of reality to enable their friend’s abuse (they got unconsensual nudes from him out of it so that’s worth the price of treating someone like that right?). Such is life.

One of the new things I’m uncertain how to approach handling properly is the grief and such shifting back to the forefront from the first anniversary of my childhood brother figure being taken from us by his bipolar depression. I have known people taken by suicide before but not this close to home. My childhood wasn’t the happiest but he and his family were a bright place in it. His little sister was my best friend in the whole world through my childhood and their family treated me more like family than my own. He was the best mix of a good and bad influence in an older brother figure I could’ve wished for. He fought long and hard but exhaustion hits us all, sometimes even with proper help. What eternally pains me is knowing how helpless and scared he must have felt and even worse how absolutely alone he felt. That was his last feeling in this life. I can only hope that more than anything, whatever happens next is giving him relief, peace, and rest.

Talk on reaching out below!

On that note, if any of you experience suicidality too, my messages (or ask if you’re more comfy on anon) are always open. This is an issue that’s been in my life in many forms since I was 12, so I will not shy away from you or your thoughts. Even if shared with something uncomfortable or "ugly", I find the discomfort of sitting with someone’s pain negligible in comparison to being the one in pain so why not prioritize that person in their need? It’s also negligible under the importance of truly holding space to process those hurts and stresses instead of just simple little niceties.

I am not the best at being active but if I see any of these messages especially we will truly talk. I know how insanely isolating and disappointing it can feel when someone offers support to be nice and then shoves to the next topic or barely responds because it makes them uncomfortable. It is a bitter pill we must often swallow to forgive those who think they will help for making things worse because they have bit off more than they can chew. It is also a bitter feeling that that reaffirms to us that by our very nature, we are too much to handle and are too much to deal with for sharing our internal space and circumstance. But at the same time, all of us are simply human so who am I to malign someone for making mistakes or being imperfect? So long as someone truly wants to try, there is all the reason in the world to give them grace.

Qualifications kind of???

The one good thing that has come from a lot of the experiences that I’ve gone through is that it has forced perspective on me and forced me to learn skills in holding space, validating, and connecting to others in immense pain. No one is perfect in this skill (even therapists struggle - the number who have said they don’t know where to start untangling the traumas or who have cried at it and in turn needed comfort 💀 a strange experience I know my darling at least gets too lol) but I have found in both giving and receiving that honesty and openness is W A Y more important than being perfect.

This is something I’ve watched more people struggle with than not as life circumstances has not made it so that they must learn the skill at the same time that there are resources to learn it, so I may make more posts with advice for it than the bit I go through here. I’m not a licensed therapist so this isn’t going to be a clinical breakdown of how to be someone’s therapist but I would consider my experience as a confidant, consistent reading up on psychological and related sociological research, and experience going through various forms of therapy worthy of giving solid advice. Unfortunately, co-morbidities and resistant brain chemistry really make using the skills on myself Difficult 💀 but as brief examples of experience for validity speaking on this, I’ve been to a lot of group therapy where licensed therapists literally coach you on this, guided a safe space/group for SA survivors in college, coached friends who couldn’t afford therapy through suicidality or abusive situations, and coached survivors through feelings and decisions when deciding whether or not to charge or going through the process of charging their abuser. All of which is much easier to be effective to people you know irl but the support online can be nothing to snub your nose at either. None of this is to say I'm perfect or exceptional - neither is true - just that I’ve had circumstances and experiences that afford me a bit of extra knowledge in this.

In the vast majority of cases, someone who is struggling and coming to you for help wants you to be there - your thoughts, your feelings, your perspective. They don’t want someone sitting uncomfortably and saying the occasional “sorry” they want engagement because more than anything they don’t want to be alone. In a basic example, if you find yourself freezing when someone comes to you with something you don’t know how to handle, instead of saying nothing or only short cliches due to fear of making a mistake, be honest about that. “I’m not sure what to say right now to be honest because that’s so much to deal with. I can’t imagine having to live with that all the time. Is there anything in it frustrating you the most or that you’re having the most difficulty tackling?”. This is active listening and engagement. You are being honest with where you are at so they aren’t guessing what you’re thinking, you are showing that you see how overwhelming the situation is, especially for the person who has to live with it. If you can’t handle a conversation where these issues exist, how do you think it feels to live with them day in and day out, sometimes for years or the majority of a life?

Asking questions is SUPER important too. Trust the other person to only share what they are comfortable with and don’t assume all questions are bad. Asking questions is one of the truest and simplest ways to show you care because why would you want to know more if you don’t give a shit? Asking questions is also very helpful and one of the reasons talking to others about your issues is important - it gives the person struggling something to react to and give perspective. It helps them process the issue in ways they won’t be able to do by themselves. This may make the process sound slightly manufactured but I promise it’s not, especially as it becomes second nature to know what thing to use when. Communication is a skill so advice around it will inherently make it sound more clinical than the actual process is.

People are also not a monolith so while this type of being there works for the vast majority some people may not like it. That is also where communication comes in - check in with the person on if this is helping and what isn't helpful. Make sure to adjust when you make a mistake.

Conclusion

I’m happy to hold space for other issues as well. I’m no replacement for a therapist but I’ve been a helpful supplement to many people I knew struggling throughout the years so I’m at least okay at that! Since I’m doing pretty bad functionally right now the help won’t be as consistent as I wish but I will give whatever is in my power just like these things deserve. I hope to get better soon so that I can properly offer a stronger foundation of support outward again 🤍

[cookiesupplier]

I saw your post and want to throw a request your way.

Noah Sebastian x reader

The reader has been struggling with depression and decides that she wants Nick to give her her first tattoo. Something that she would be able to look at when she is going through a rough time mentally and remind her that she matters. Noah would be there with her while she gets the tattoo. Maybe have it be on her ribcage or something like that.

Okay, so I’ve never gotten my ribcage tattoo’d personally, but from what I’ve been told it can be a painful/sensitive area to tattoo so I’m going to go with that. I am going to play on the face that my first tattoo was quite large and everyone tried to talk me out of it for my first one lolll This is only a blurby, but I sort of used a tattoo idea I really want to get for myself.. and I went with first person, which I've never done before.. so I hope I didn't do too badly for you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Noah squeezed my hand tightly, and I looked up to him where he sat in his chair by the tattoo bed looking over me. I was laying on my side, I’d worn a halter top to make it easier for Nicholas to access the skin along my ribs without having to take my entire top half off. Not that I’d have a problem with it, some might think my boyfriend might, but the fact that it was his best friend that he trusted most in the whole world that was the one tattooing me, well, I knew it wasn’t going to be a problem. We’d already had this discussion, and I’d been sure to talk to Noah about it first. I was the one that asked him to be here. He wasn’t here to be the overprotective boyfriend, he was here as emotional support. He was here for me to break his hand if the needle gun got too much. After all, it was the very first time I was to get a tattoo. It was understandable I was nervous. After Nicholas had rubbed the cool gel into my skin, both Nicholas and Noah checked if I was okay. I told them I was. After he placed the stencil, peeling it back to reveal the transferred imagery that included the fated lyrics that spoke to me so intensely. Seeing them there on my skin, even if temporarily for the moment, my breath caught and I could feel my eyes sting with slight tears and that was when Noah squeezed my hand so tight, “Are you sure you’re okay Baby?” Resting my head back down on the tattoo bed, looking up to Noah as he look down to my, smiling even as my  eyes glazed a little, “Yea, I’m great.” I wasn’t lying either, smiling a bit more, excited as Nicholas reached for the tattoo gun. “This is really going to hurt you know…” You couldn’t help but laugh a little. Noah had reminded me so many times ever since I’d told him what I wanted to do. “I know, I know! Geeze, it’s like you’re trying to talk me out of walking the plank!” It was a tattoo, my first, and yes it was my ribs. At least he hadn’t once tried to talk me out of getting lyrics from one of their songs, knowing what they meant to me. Careful What You Wish For, had been a song that had gotten me out of such a horrible place in my life, the whole second album had in a way. I sometimes found it hard to express just how much outside of that song, which was why I wanted to immortalise it on my skin. Most of the tattoo was inspired imagery that Nicholas had designed, he was an amazing artist, but he had slipped some of the lyrics in there, the ones that meant the most to me.. This tattoo was to remind me that tough times didn’t last forever, and to always keep going. After all, the man that took part in writing the very lyrics I was inking to my skin, the man that held my hand and supported me even if I was jumping in feet first for a tattoo that most people wouldn’t choose for their first.. At all.. He still was right here beside me. Nicholas started up the tattoo gun and the buzzing filled the room, “Let’s do this.” Grinning brightly as I looked from Noah over my shoulder to Nicholas with a nod, I was  ready when he was. The way Noah gripped my fingers too tight, I would swear he was more nervous than I was. That thought made me giggle a little. “Are you alright Babe? Don’t need to lie down with me, do you?” Smirking as he rolled his eyes, “Don’t laugh, you need to lay still.” He nodded to Nick, “Go on, she’s good.” Smiling down to me fondly. I loved him so much. I was glad I was careful what I wished for, because I would never want to miss one day with this man for any stupid mistake in the world.

[halfmoth-halfman]

i got an ask about advice for writing when you're discouraged, so i thought i'd make a post addressing some of the points because i think this is something that everyone has gone through and can relate to. most of this is just what's helped me/what i'd tell myself in the past, but if anyone has advice to add on please feel free! i hope this helps at least a little bit, anon!

"I’m not good at (dialogue/atmosphere/prose/etc)."

write it anyways! one of the best ways to build a skill is to keep doing it. even if you don't ever post it, or only share it with a few friends, or just read it to your pets, or whatever you choose to do, it's better to write something "badly" than to not write at all. or even asking for help on how to improve from other writers. i struggle a lot with atmosphere and scenery, and something that helped me a lot was talking to other writers whose fics i really enjoy and inspire me. i know it may seem intimidating, but there are plenty of writers on tumblr that would love to talk about how they compose their scenes, their dialogue, anything and everything if someone asks.

"I can’t make moodboards/headers/aesthetic posts."

the good news is, you don't have to! fics don't have to have anything other than the fic itself. i can't speak for everyone, but while aesthetics may get my attention, it's the person behind the blog that i stay for. if you want your blog or your fics to have a pretty aesthetic, it shouldn't be because you feel forced to but because you want to do it. if you don't find making moodboards or headers or aesthetic posts fun, then you don't have to do them. and if you want to, but don't know how, there are a ton of resources, links, and blogs dedicated to helping on tumblr.

"I’m not at (insert someone else)’s writing level."

and you might never be, and that's okay! every writer is different - they have different styles, write at different paces, perceive their skill differently. basing your progress on someone else's isn't going to help because you're not them. you have your own time, energy, ability, and ideas, you'll grow and improve at your own pace, just like they did. don't force yourself to try and follow the same timeline of someone else, and don't put yourself down because you're getting better - and you are getting better - at your own pace.

"I can’t find the motivation to write."

honestly same. i think it's a pretty universal experience to lose motivation for something you were excited about at one point. sometimes the vibes aren't it and the story doesn't want to story, but that's alright. it can be hard to stay motivated, and what gets someone inspired again is different everyone. i can't give advice for anything outside of what's helped me, but a few ways i've re-motivated myself to write something are: making a fic playlist, stepping away from the fic for a day or two, giving it to a friend to read, re-watching/reading the source material, doodling fic ideas, and skipping to a different part of the story.

"I can’t write fast enough."

unless it's for something like work where you have a fixed deadline, there is no "fast enough" in writing. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. when i first started writing, in the very early days of ao3 and tumblr, fic updates could takes months or even more than a year and that was fine! one of my favorite fics took a six year hiatus, and that didn't diminish any of the enjoyment i had when it came back. you are not a machine, you're a human being with needs outside of writing. it's always okay if you need to take a break, if there's a long wait between chapters, or if you want to stop a project altogether and come back to it six years later. if someone gives you grief because you can't write within their time-frame then they're not worth having as a reader - do not overwork yourself for the sake of finishing a fic.

"It’s hard to stick to one idea at a time."

then don't! write all the ideas. write every single one. working on a project and you have a drabble that you just keep thinking about? write it. you get a sudden idea for a one-shot in a different fandom? write it. woke up in the mood to start a new five-chapter fic? write it. you can start or stop writing about anything at any time. there is no rule that you have to stick to one idea and finish it before you can write anything else, don't make yourself stick to something if it's not what you want to write, and don't punish yourself if you need to take a break from your current project.

"Maybe I’m not made for writing on tumblr."

tumblr is a shitposting website that barely works at the best of times. half of my drafts get deleted every other week for no reason - there is no way to be "made for writing on tumblr"! but tumblr is huge, there's a bajillion communities on here that would be so excited to have another writer, and a ton that are solely dedicated to helping writers and providing different resources. i guarantee there is someone on this website that will love and adore your writing.

"The things I read are better than anything I can write/comparing myself to other writers."

i don't have the cake picture saved, but we all know the gist of it: the audience (generally) isn't going to care about how decorated your cake is compared to another, they're just happy to get two cakes. and that's really all it is. your fic might not be the same preferred flavor as the audience of other writers, but there is someone out there who's going to enjoy it. i won't tell you to just not compare yourself to others, i know that's not how it works, but what has helped me is changing the way i view other fics. instead of thinking "i wish i could write like this person", i look at like "this inspires me to improve my writing". and don't get me wrong, i still have moments of doubt about my writing compared to some of the people i read, i don't think that will ever really stop, but the best thing you can do is not let yourself give in to that feeling. try and stop that train of thought before it leaves the station. no one else can write the way you can. no one else can tell your stories the way you can. no one else has the same voice as you do. if everyone wrote the same way, everything would be boring. the heart of a fic is seeing the author's personality shine through it. if you see someone write a good fic, that doesn't mean yours won't be. you have to give yourself a chance even when you feel like your writing won't be as good as someone else's. you have to bake your cake anyway.

"How do I find joy in something I know I’ll never be good at?"

you won't. full stop. if you keep telling yourself you'll never be good at something, you'll never improve, there's no point in trying, then you'll never enjoy it. i know it's easier said than done, but you have to have some level of confidence in yourself and in your writing. not only will you not enjoy it, other people will see the lack of enjoyment, the "i wrote this and it sucks" comments, the self-degradation, and they won't enjoy it either - no one feels good about a fic the author clearly didn't want to write. and, if you try everything you possibly can and still can't find any joy in writing, then maybe writing isn't the hobby for you. and that's perfectly okay! i tried quilting and glassblowing several times before i realized i just didn't like it the same way i liked writing. you owe it to yourself to find something that's fun, that makes you smile, that you're excited to do. there's a million hobbies out there, i promise you'll find something that brings you joy.

[sidebaxolotl]

I have a question for you if you wouldn’t mind answering. I’m a lesbian and I’ve been considering turning to religion and being side b, but my main question is why would God want me to suffer this much? Why would He let me date my girlfriend for 3 years, all of which has been blissfully happy and feels totally right and good, if He really wants me to give it all up and break both of our hearts? It doesn’t feel like sin to me. We didn’t even sleep with each other until we’d been together for a year because I found it very hard to get over my shame and they waited for me the entire time. Isn’t there that verse about the fruit something brings? Being a lesbian has brought nothing but joy into my life. In fact, the only suffering it’s caused me is when I used to try to be side b. I don’t see why God would want that for me if He allowed me to be made a lesbian.

And to be honest, it seems like most of the side b people I know struggle a lot with being side b, like it doesn’t come naturally to them. I wonder how you reconcile that difficulty and pain with believing that a good God would want this for you. You could make the argument that Satan wants you to suffer and is causing your temptation, but if that’s the case why doesn’t God just fix it, if He’s all powerful? Maybe He wants me to have free will, but I’ve asked Him countless times to make me straight so it’s not like I want to be gay.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just find this sort of thing really hard to wrap my head around, but I want there to be a good answer that I can hold on to.

Hey friend! To be honest I do understand where you're coming from. My relationship with my ex was one of the most wonderful things ive ever felt, and it did feel right and very good, unlike a lot of the sin in my life. Even now I struggle sometimes to reconcile that and I know if things hadn't ended so badly I'd be in your situation right now. I also prayed many times that God would make me straight (and for a while I thought it worked lmao). For a long time after The Breakup I struggled really hard with what to do, i was struggling with lesbian erotica/fandom content, wondering what to do with my faith, wondering if I should force myself to marry a man, crying out to God to curse Him or blame Him for my situation, for taking her away from me, etc. I fell into a very deep depression and was very close to unaliving myself over it (and other things). I had to go on medication for an extended period of time because I did not want to live. It was a really rough time in my life and I'm glad despite all the things that I said and did out of grief that I made it out of that period of my life with my relationship to God in tact. Letting go of sin, particularly sexuality related sin can be really hard because sin doesn't always feel bad. A lot of sin does and has immediate consequences, which makes it particularly easy to avoid/stop doing but a lot of it doesn't. We live in a world where sin has permeated the deepest reaches of our universe and our own bodies. Our own judgement apart from Christ cannot always be trusted:

"The heart is deceitful above all things,     and desperately sick;     who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

So it might not feel bad or wrong(it still doesn't feel that way to me personally), but we know God is objectively good and knows what is best, so if He says its bad, then its bad. There are reasons for this, but that's beyond the scope of this post so maybe another time. What I will also say though, is that the Christian life is hard in general and suffering is guaranteed. The apostles suffered--many of them endured gruesome deaths for the sake of the gospel, and even Jesus, the author and sustainer of our faith was abandoned by his friends and made to unjustly die on a cross with common criminals. If the son of God, the prince of peace, could not escape this fate then neither will we. This particular passage comes to mind:

"But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps" 1 Peter 2

The thing about Christian suffering is that none of it is meaningless. Because of God's grace and mercy He can use something that was never meant to exist (suffering and pain) and use it to bring us closer to Him and help build us into the people we should be, emulating God's character and love. These are some verses about suffering in regards to faith that I've found particularly helpful or enlightening:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" 2 Cor 4:16-18 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" James 1:2-4

And as Christians we know for sure our suffering is not eternal. When we shed this mortal coil we will never feel the sting of sin ever again. And when the New heavens and the New earth are brought to fruition we will experience life as it always was supposed to be. And even now my life isn't just suffering. I'm doing very well now. I'm no longer depressed, I'm off medication (with doctor approval). I genuinely love my life. I'm super satisfied with being single, i freaking love it honestly lol. And my relationship with God is stronger than its ever been. Being side b isn't always easy but it really is not a death sentence devoid of happiness either!

[your-queer-dad]

Hey dad. So. I hevn't felt the need to come here to vent for a while lol. But here we are

So. I dom't like the way my irl dad is raising us (me and my bros). I understand that I'm lucky and all, but I just feel really bothered by his behavior lately. For first he's an ableist, which really bothers me cause at this point I'd be surprised if I WASN'T neurodivergent, my lil bro probably is too and my lilest bro might too, and he (my irl dad) is neurodivergent himself (it always baffles me to see him talk badly of people with different disorders than him, mostly developmental disorders). Second, he's that "I don't care as long as I don't have to see it" type of queerphobe. He literally looked me in the eyes and said he thinks me being trans is just a phase and internet influence, and he (and my mom too, but she tends to just agree with him, and I tend to take time to get mad if the offense isn't direct) compared it to playing guitar and not liking it (spoiler alert: I did like it. The youtube classes just suck and I'd rather learn by myself. So even there he didn't get it right.). Third, he just can be an asshole sometimes. My lil bro cries often for lil things that run out of his control and decision making, and what does my dad do? Try to actually talk to him and find out what's wrong instead of repeatdly asking "what's fthe problem [lil bro's name]?"? No. He tells him "to man up, cause [he's] a man and will have to provide someday for his wife" amd shit like that. He also days thing I can't remember to my lilest bro that I know, although I don't remember, he told me too ("swallow the tears" is om example) and made me how I am (bad thing. I'm emotionally constipated, phisically unable of crying, feeling emotions significantly less intese than I used to, distrustful of literally everyone in my life except lil bro (kinda. There's some bagage there involving my mom amd him trying to come as queer and my mom accusing me of influencing him although I literally just told him about a lot of identities cause I was excited and reducing queerness to sex and more shit that I won't talk about right now), unable to tell people how I'm feeling and mostly emotionally unavaible for others and myself.) and I dom't want that. He deserves to be able to talk about his feelings. The worst part? He's dragging my bros down the ableist path (I'd talk to my lil bro but I'm afraid now cause of the aforementioned events with my mom, and my lilest bro is on the age where he asks everything to parents (another emotional bagage over my mom being explicitly intersexist after I mentioned it to him) so I dom't for my own sake) and my lilest bro down the transphobe path (he (bro) literally came up to be twice to say I'm "a girl who wants to be treated like a boy" (though that's how my mom told him (she's also an asshole)) and I promised to myself that I won't stay if it makes me feel bad, but it's hard. I'm really attached to my bros, specially to my lil bro (we really vibe to the point where I can imagine a future with only my besties (alterous) and him, having cutted out my whole family, but it's hard if he isn't there.), more than I am to my parents and I really don't wanna lose them, but I also don't wanna talk to them cause it makes me anxious of my parents making the same thing again, talk to me like their age means they inheritly know more about everything in the world than me, including my own sense of self and struggles (ex: I often have a hard keeping up with goals I set up cause I get "stuck" doing other things I was already doing, even tho I wanna do that. I wanna go learn a new chord on my guitar right now, but I couldn't make my body move, but my dad attributes it to lack of willpower.). I have more to say but weirdly I can't pinpoint it. I know there's something wrong, but don't really know what.

This was very long. Feel free to delete this if you'd rather.

-Cain

Hey kiddo! I'm so sorry your parents are like that and you're having to deal with all of that, that's awful. If you ever need support or someone to talk to, I'm here 🫂🫂

- dad x