#crippling grief

[sorceresslinareload]

It would be so nice to have a 18 yo kid that was alive. I miss you so much Len, I want to be with you and listen to your jokes and your dreams. I just miss you so much. I'm so sorry maybe I was overprotective with you. I wish this was just a nightmare. I can't accept it's the truth, Even if 2 years have passed. I love you so much.

[somberlyyours]

IV.

March 13, 2023

3:30 a.m.

Tumon, Guam

I am numb. I am writing this as I dejectedly wait for the taxi that will take me to Guam International Airport for my flight back to Manila. Near the end of last month, around the time I was in Baguio (or right after leaving Baguio), I was spiritedly playing the song Marching On by OneRepublic on repeat, eager to get on with the new month and leave the ghosts of February behind. I thought I was going to have cards to play when March comes around. But the month is not even halfway through, and my illusion is quickly coming undone. I am unraveling. I can imagine feminists and women empowerment advocates and gurus around the world collectively groaning from second-hand embarrassment.

The first week of the month became family week. One of my nieces had her first birthday party. I was early at the restaurant. Kept to myself mostly. Hogged the photo booth. Paid for a second cake because the custom one my sister ordered was running late. Played errand girl. Joshed with Jollibee the mascot. Gave some food to a man who came in looking for a meal. I was too queasy to eat much. The custom cake arrived at the last minute. As soon as it arrived, I took pictures of it and left the restaurant, right behind the photography crew. I booked a Grab car. The driver was mercifully stationed right across from Jollibee. I was deflated and depleted. Chronic fatigue is no joke.

I do not know exactly what possessed me to travel to my birth province the next day, but I did. I was playing punk or metal music part of my way there to tune out everyone in the mini-bus. I cannot recall the playlist that I found, but the songs in it got some arguably dark and troubling messages in them. I may had been trying to scare myself into a having a heart attack.

I met with my father and one of my brothers at the mall and tried to figure out finances. We could not. I was quite upset.

We went to the appliance store after that. I bought my youngest brother a small washing machine. I am not quite sure what ails him. My father said the doctor could not tell them. I wanted to lighten his load a little, so that he is not spending hours painstakingly doing laundry for himself and his big brother by hand. I did not get back to my “cell” in Q.C. until late that night.

The following three days I was sleepless and restless. I booked my trip to Guam and had been debating whether or not to go. I only had about six hours of sleep in all of those three days. Maybe less. I kept having bouts of numbness in my extremities that travel up to my neck that kept me awake. I ended up going and it was there in Guam that I found out Pop had passed away.

I was searching online to confirm his landline number to say hi to him when instead, I found his obituary. I had no words to describe all of the emotions that hit me all at once. I tried so hard to keep in touch with him, but I’d been repeatedly unsuccessful in calling or FaceTiming him on his iPhone soon after my last visit with him in April 2023. But since I had been quite preoccupied with my survival ever since, I guess I did not push as hard as I could have had to get ahold of him. The divorce cut me off from the only grandfather who showed me love. And I can only fight so many battles at once. On top of failing to visit with an old family friend in Guam, finding out about Pop’s death crushed my heart, my soul, and my spirit. He is gone from this world and I cannot grieve or cry hard enough. I cannot even bring myself to sign his guestbook for fear of saying the wrong thing and dishonoring his memory.

I could have stayed for two more days in Guam. The hotel room was paid for until the 15th. I truly did not know why I booked a premature return flight to Manila. I was not thinking clearly, obviously. I was and still am a mess. The grief made me panic. I thought I would have enough money to book a flight from Manila to Florida to see him laid to rest. No, I would not.

What is the lesson to be learned in all of this here? I honestly can’t say at this time. I had been told that obsessing over the could, should, and would haves is futile. Sayang daw ang panahon. There is no point pining for lost time. And I get it. I really do. But it is not easy to be objective about one’s internal experiences and life decisions. I am not OK. I’ll just have to be OK with that for the moment, I guess.

[nebulow]

It almost seems like non-disabled people have a harder time accepting when a chronically disabled person will never get better - and maybe even deteriorate over time, than the affected person has.

"Aww don't lose hope"

There is no hope to be had? Stop pushing your toxic positivity down my throat when I have come to terms with my situation and am grieving already.

Losing hope is what has given me an ounce of peace of mind. This is what life is now. It's not your grief, it's mine.

[cosmiccripple]

one aspect of disability that people don't often talk about is grief. grief plays a massive part in my life.

before becoming disabled, i had so many dreams that i know now aren't feasible. i would have loved to go to uni and pursue a degree in psychology and go on to become a therapist, but i know i wouldn't be able to go to uni now.

i'm grieving the could-have-beens and what my body used to be like.

i used to like running short distance and i loved dungeons & dragons. now, i wouldn't be able to be present long enough to actually play a campaign, and the last time i raced my mate down the road, i ended up in bed for the week in a flare up. (i'm an idiot i know)

grief is such a big part of being disabled that people don't talk about enough.

i'm proud of my disabled identity. i never fully recovered from an illness and gained multiple chronic illnesses/lifelong disabilities from it, so damn right i'm going to embrace the changes, but i will always think about the what-ifs.

my disability is a part of me as a person and my identity but that doesn't mean that i still don't grieve for who i was or could have been.

i am not less worthy because i am disabled and i can still grieve and be proud of my disabled identity simultaneously.

thanks for listening to my TEDtalk now i'm probably going to take a nap because writing all that really hurt my arms and i'm tired.

[msue0027]

Doctor abducts human women to hide a fact that he is actually very gay

[jabberwockprince]

yeah, its okay zima you go hide under that tree, we get it take your time

[eternalspring4]

I MISS MY FOREARM CRUTCHES SONMUCH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I THINK KNEE SURGERY EXACERBATED MG EXISTING FATIGUE ISSUE!!!!! I STILL HAVE A CANE BUT I DONT NEED SOMETHING TO SUPPORT A LEG, I NEED SOMET&ING TO LEAN ON, SUCH AS FHE CUFFS ON FOREARM CRUTCHES GRRRR I HATE HAVING TO RATION MY ENERGY WHEN I GO OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[scarletslippers]

So. How we feeling today my Drewds?

[defira85]

Canon Durge and Sceleritas on a rooftop, do you see my vision

[sorceresslinareload]

Resilience is not a quality, it's a property. It comes from being Alive. Not something to admire about someone. It is resilient because it's alive. Has nothing to do with Hope. "While there's life there's Hope." I don't think so. You can have Hope in death, too. If you believe in trascendence, isn't that better than believing in Life.

My husband is going to the gym, working out, and wants to get me on a diet, so we can have a better quality of Life in the future. How do I tell him I'm working on getting diabetes, so I can have a way out, and I'm not planning a further future.

[sopranoentravesti]

Man periodically I think about the people who supported the Ashley X treatment and wish them a very die.

(Un)friendly reminder that bodily autonomy is a disability rights issue as well as a trans and feminist issue.

[justaz]

after mt st helens erupted and percy went missing, annabeth rarely slept or ate. at first, when she did sleep, her dreams were filled with him dying over and over again. then they began to become more realistic of him shaking her awake and standing in front of her perfectly fine, healthy, alive. those hurt worse bc when she actually wakes up there’s this split second where she believes in her heart that it was real, only to look around and find herself alone again.

[heartoferebor]

On a scale from 1 to 'has been listening to Violent Ceasefire from the MGS4 OST on a loop for the last hour and sobbing haltlessly whilst baking gingerbread' how well did you cope with that cutscene at the end of MGS4 ACT III?

[cat-with-a-keyboard]

please god let me die first

[sukea69]

one thing abt madara is that i will not let him breathe

[depressedwithrest]

03/19/2024—“The Truth” vs “Ignorance is Bliss”

The path of the unknown & the fear it holds, but yet, is coincided with a certainty shaped by the will of the beholder, whom is battling with the demons of grief & trauma-induced addiction.

[Note from Writer—this is a passage of me journaling my current state of deprivation. I’m writing as I’m 25 years old, almost 26, & dealing with indescribable grief, struggling with addiction, C-PTSD, homelessness, & with being completely lost. Today is the four year anniversary of losing a friend to fentanyl, & after breaking my sobriety despite how successful rehab was for me with the fulfillment, resources, safety, & guidance I’ve been needing for recovery… I am undoubtedly, very lost.]

“Ignorance is bliss”—a notion I will never stand by; although, the ulterior within that, “the truth”, doesn’t necessarily hold bliss within its conditions & circumstances either.

More often than not, it’s darker & unnerving, yet paradoxically formidable as well.

Undoubtedly, I can say with unshakeable confidence, that despite how much “the truth” can (& will) bring forth an unforgiving misery…. It will always be the chosen route, as I will always rather see & know the harsher realities within the truth than be willfully nor complacently ignorant.

I refuse to feed into a perception that is inadequate, falsified, or fabricated… as it perpetuates a foreboding essence & circumstances that stains the soul—inevitably fueling ‘the fear of the unknown’—a daunting absence of understanding that lingers when one traps themselves within ignorance (whether it’s willful, or otherwise).

Yet, despite all the certainty I hold with denying willful ignorance, I still shake the hand of doubt on what to do with the knowledge I discover & seek. This uncontainable curiosity I hold within myself that disallows me to seek anything but “the truth”, induces such dismaying consequences within my psyche & my physiological-being—holding such understandings of the realities has me disillusioned more often than not, whether it’s with myself, or with the world I interact with around me.

I hold a light that is unyielding, limitless potential that can (& will) instill tangible change, it’ll cultivate the growth & healing that my very own being embodies within this universe with the visions I hold with hope & an unbreakable drive…

Yet, despite this, there’s an undeniable & almost indescribable side I also hold that is nihilistic in-on-itself. Often, I use this to create this imperishable goal that is self-driven & is now deterministic by my own free-will, but some days, all I see is doubt.

Doubt in anything & everything, & everything is seemingly meaningless at its conceptual core. Purpose is a materialized system that derive from human emotion, beliefs, experience, fear, etc.; our capability to have higher-level thinking that allows for conceptualization to occur from a core that means nothing.

I know this duality gives me power & allows myself to deepen my understanding within “the truth”… but how do I not fall into becoming a subject of complete incapability that has me in a state of unbearable despair that diminishes everything in & around me? The question still remains—how does one deal with the unknown when the fear festers naturally?

It seems to thrive during your darkest moments, moments that have an unallocated amount of time in place with an indeterminate duration of when it’s haunting us deep within our souls… how do I come out alive, & shift from always being in this constant state of survival, so I can live life to the perception I which go achieve?