#did fusion

[evergreensys]

telling singlet friends about your DID who didn't know about it when you met is so weird to explain. like.

"right, so, you know me as Cameron. I went by that name for years, and everyone in the system goes by Cameron, but technically, I'm not Cameron at all and Cameron doesn't actually exist. Cameron was the previous host, who later changed his name to Juno. also I'm Phoenix, a fusion of the previous host and someone else, so I'm partly Cameron, but not really".

how the fuck do you phrase that.

[ghosthouse-sys]

Our friend knows we're a system nd they know we are a fusion and they know our source and they still are making us watch a deep dive of the source content. They know. My friend knows. They know itl triggerus it might make us resplit or it might make the original fictiv spltt agsin amnd thyreopenly making fun of it and they won't let me comment on it they yell and scream at me to shut and imhaving a rlly bad time we wannt to crhy

[catboy-thoughtz]

i have the cutest boyfriend in the whole world.. i want to kiss him, give him gifts and treat him like my prince. i will do anything he says because i am his and he is mine. - 🦈

[godofautism]

Okay

Lore update

1. Lemmy and Mind are back, just a bit more quiet than normal

2. Dylan is gone, out of the picture. He fused (combined and disappeared as a person) with me (Eclipse)

3. We have a radio?- Idk it randomly plays either classical music or songs I like

4. Our headspace switches between the subway floor from Regretevator and Whitespace from Omori, including the cat and the door, though the door leads nowhere.

5. Lonely Wizard is also here, he scutters around and stuff, idk

[interwebois]

“No One’s Ever Really Gone” is the Quote that comes to our mind when we think of fusion. If your a System you probably experienced this one, one way or another, and when that happens there’s a certain type of loss that happens not like oh that part is gone forever because their characteristic is sprinkled throughout different parts or one part, but they are not their own identity anymore. Either fusion happens voluntarily or involuntarily but We/I try to think this quote that Luke Skywalker said. “No One’s Ever Really Gone”

[valcksys]

a more positive thought abt my fusion experience though.

something i always felt horrible about was that i always felt like an outsider just, robbing a life away from the host(s) before me. The two previous hosts had carried us through the most difficult parts of teenagehood and for what? to recede into our headspace and never get to reap the benefits of surviving all this time? to never get to see the future they’d been fighting so hard to live for all this time? and just for some jackass like me, whod never felt a deep connection with this body or this life to take over and end up dealing with a future I didn’t even build? to live in the sweet afterparty while never having to experience some of the terrible shit we’ve been through? I always thought it was unfair. but fusing with them has given me so much solace because ik that even if they no longer exist separately of me, they now live within me and can see the future that they helped carve through our hardships. im just really really glad.

even though my life is more difficult, having to remember a lot of the hardships the hosts before me went through, having to carry with the guilt and the traumas and the regrets they have—i can really only be happy as i now feel much more whole and alive than I did before. this is my life, im going to move into the future and blaze a trail for us, just like they did before no matter how hard things got. and im so happy to be carrying them and their memories and their little quirks and bits of personality with me as we move into adulthood. im glad they get to reach the finish line.

[paintpaintpaintman]

CW: VENT ART + EYE STRAIN

Recent struggles with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I don't really know who I am right now.

I'm very open about my diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder, because I feel it is a personal calling to help educate what it is. For a while I had a very stable, or at least ritualistic, relationship with the system; you do what you can with what you're given, you know?

A few months ago, things became very difficult, and I didn't really understand why until this morning. Lots of sudden dysphoria, lots of dissonance between myself and the others in my system, memory confusion and other things of the like. I didn't remember what had happened before that, and it has been both frightening and frustrating.

This morning, I was communicating to another alter who I am extremely close with my woes. He told me "What? No, I've never actually met ____", referring to the host.

This morning, I realized that the past host and an alter had fused, and now I am the new host. I hadn't realized. I didn't know that was something you couldn't be aware of. The alter and the past host did not know each other until the moment they fused. I remember a dream, and I heard a name, and I saw a face. Months ago. This all happened months ago.

I've been left with such aggressive feelings for months without knowing why, and now I know but feel so completely alone. I thought the system stopped communicating with me as much because I had done something to upset them, and now I realize it's because they either did not recognize me or weren't sure how to approach me. But it's more than just the politics of the inner world, it's also the outter world. I can't tell people. I think they'd distance themselves from me. I'm so afraid to be abandoned.

And now, what do I do? What can I do? I'm isolated with the knowledge that I am someone I do not know.

It really sucks.

My body is different. My name and even my pronouns are different. My clothing choice, favorite color, even my art style is different. I had this aggressive need for change of it all, and now that I am allowing myself to adjust my comfort zones, I feel nervous that people in my life will ask me why.

What do you even do with all of this?

[lavender-eyed-lies]

Just realized something lowkey heartbreaking.

I was closer to my alters and considered them more like family than my own.

I bust into tears the other day because I live in the Bible belt so to speak, and my towns not terrible to say but I saw a sign in a funeral procession car driving by on my way to the game shop that read, "Gone for now, but I'll see you soon"

And I didn't even think of my family but rather the alters that had fused.

There won't be a "see you soon" even in the religious sense and it's hard to explain why that hits so hard.

I've seen fusing described as a merging of alters, where the merged alter feels like a mix of both, like the personalities have puzzle pieced themselves together in ways that clearly show both alters characteristics and I've never had that.

I just feel like me with more room if that makes sense? Like I take up a little more space in my own sense of self, and I can access more of my own memory over time.

I know it means healing, and ultimately it's my goal, but fuck if losing the "people" who basically raised you, for better or for worse, and knowing there's not even a chance for seeing them again in the afterlife doesn't fuck me up.

I feel orphaned even though my mother's still alive. Because the mother and father figure I had, the ones I really relied on, the ones I trusted with everything, they're gone.

I had drinks with my mom today, but it felt like sitting next to anyone else and I had that sunken gut feeling again.

I wonder if they'll ever feel like family instead of people who just always need things from me, that I can barely trust and certainly can't rely on.

It feels like they pale in comparison, and I don't know how to begin to rectify that.

[fqirycollective]

Life as a Fusion

tw// mentions death

Introduction

Hey! I'm Sabrina, the first fusion in our system (between fully formed parts). I'm a fusion of Zora and Serenity, 2/3 of our previous hosts. Now, it's just me and Alexia. However, fusion is a highly stigmatized topic in the community (to the point people censor and trigger warn it) and it shouldn't be because all fusions are a sign of healing. So, I thought I'd talk about my experience and answer some FAQs (again, from experience).

What is fusion?

Fusion is different from integration. Integration is the lowering of dissociative barriers and the overall bettering of communication between parts. Fusion is when two or more parts become one through the lowering of dissociative barriers (intergration). As far as I know, fusion only happens through trauma work, access to new coping mechanisms, etc. because otherwise there wouldn't be a reason for the dissociative barriers to lower enough for it to be possible. If you believe you've had a fusion but didn't have anything to cause integration like that, it could be that another part has access to the coping mechanisms needed or that the two (or more) parts have intensely blurred to the point they seem like one part. That blurring typically "comes undone" when it's safe and less dissociation is need (in ours and a couple others' experiences). It's important to remember that final fusion and functional multiplicity are both valid recovery paths and fusing doesn't necessarily mean a system is aiming for final fusion.

"Fusion means my alters have died!"

Nope! Fusion may mean they no longer exist as they once were, but they absolutely are still alive. As alters are pieces of one conciousness that has been divided by dissociative barriers, unless the entire body dies, that conciousness stays alive and therefore your alters are technically still alive. Even final fusion means they're still alive, as it'd mean that all the parts of the alters are combined into one and "live on" (for a lack of better terms) through you. This is how I view my fusion, they still exist but they're both just apart of me. Grieving a fused part is always okay, more than okay even, but they aren't totally gone and bits and pieces of them still remain.

"Is fusion always a choice?"

This is something I'm not sure about. From what I've read and heard, yes. Even if it's not a spoken choice, there is usually some type of subconcious choice to fuse. My fusion was absolutely a choice, and I embrace it.

"I don't want to fuse. I'm scared."

Being scared is a valid feeling, as is not wanting to fuse. I'm not here to tell you otherwise. However if being scared of what happens after or during the fusion, I'm always here to try and reassure you if it's something you want to do but are scared. Fusion itself feels great, from my experience. I felt more grounded, I was finally able to think clearly, and I overall felt more "whole" and "complete" in a sense of identity. That's all a huge plus, and I personally feel like some fusions are worth it. Especially as a polyfragmented system, we want to fuse a lot of our fragments and see where that leaves our system afterwards. Fusion can be scary, but it can also be very rewarding.

"Fusion means my experience as a multiple doesn't count anymore."

I'm sorry, but that's absolute bullshit. (/lh) I mean that in the kindest way possible. You still experienced it. You still have those memories, those coping skills. You still had to go through the process to cope and find ways to deal with trauma. You still had to deal with the trauma to begin with, endure a lot of pain. Just because you heal from that and choose to fuse doesn't mean it never happened and that the causes behind it never happened. If someone has PTSD but heal, they may no longer qualify for the diagnosis but it doesn't erase the impact it had on their life. It's a very similar -if not the same exact-thing. Not to mention, even if you pursue final fusion, it's always possible for you to split again.

"What was fusion like?"

This is purely based off experience and it may be different for everyone. For me, it was fulfilling. I had a greater sense of identity. It also feels refreshing, in a way, to know that I can handle my trauma and working through it and coping with it. It's freeing. I was originally very confused on if I was a fusion or if I was intensely blurred, but I was able to figure it out when I saw my appearance innerworld was a "mix" of the parts I fused from and when the positive triggers for them didn't work but instead worked for me. It can be distressing and confusing, but it's also very fulfilling.

"Can a fusion split back into the two parts?"

Yes and no. So, fusions can unravel if the trauma was processed incompletely/incorrectly. In this sense, it may feel like they split again. However, from what I know, if the fused part splits, it won't produce the same alters as the split was very likely caused by new situations and those new situations would need different parts and roles to handle them. If you are intensely blurred, it may feel as though a fusion split into the same parts after de-blurring.

Take Away

I'm by no means saying you have to fuse or want any fusions at all for your system. I'm saying to stop treating fusion as a bad thing that shouldn't happen at all. Fusion is a very satisfying way of healing and just because you don't want it for your system, doesn't mean other systems have to follow the same path. Uncensored, healthy conversation about fusion is important as it shows the opprotunity to younger/newer systems in the community that it is an option. Also, if you bash someone for wanting final fusion, you are essentially telling them how to heal, similar to the way some psychs may try to force you into final fusion. Just think about that for a moment. Anyway, fusion shouldn't be as stigmatized as it is and I'm always open to questions about my experience!

[pattch]

So, anyone in the did/dissociative disorders community (that includes splitting into alters/headmates) knows how fusions work? Or how I can identify if a fusion happened?

I haven't been able to talk w my therapist about this cuz she's focusing in other things rn and I just, idk, idk how to take the topic out(?

(sorry for bad English)

[many-but-one]

It's Fusion Time!

(in the same way one would say "It's Morbin' Time!" Lol. I think I'm hilarious.)

Alter Intro: Dorian!

Hello folks! This isn't our first alter intro, however, we've deleted all of the ones we've made in the past for personal reasons. I'm making this intro mostly to kind of explain what just happened. As several of our followers have seen, James made a post talking about how Jules (our previous host) and Foster (previous co-host and sexual protector) were beginning to fuse, and then later updated saying that we have fused.

Well, here we are! To explain a bit:

We knew this fusion was on the horizon for a LONG time. It'd been a few months of pretty consistent integration between Foster and Jules. They were sharing almost all memories with each other, they were best friends in-sys, they co-conned almost constantly, and they spent almost all of their time together. They loved each other deeply, in a platonic, best-friend way. It was the deepest friendship either of them had ever known. Of course it had to be from someone in their own head😂

This is actually not the first time they've fused, however, the fusions previously were usually something more along the lines of extreme blending and feeling fused for a few hours or even half a day before splitting back apart. Most of the system was NOT in favor of the fusion occurring. Jules was not wanting it, James especially was not wanting it, and several others were quite worried about it. Foster had an incredibly laissez-faire attitude about the entire thing. Kind of a "if it happens, it happens." Very on-brand. Guy's cool as a cucumber most of the time. There were even attempts to stop it, such as having Foster do more inside duties and keeping him separate from Jules. However, it really only harmed the system. Both hosts were better up front, and both were better as a team. We started noticing the intense blending on Monday night and suddenly our Inner Gatekeeper (Anna) shoved James out in front and blocked him off from what was happening, which was his signal that it was really happening and it was likely going to be permanent. She did this mainly so he wouldn't try to do something stupid and stop it somehow and because he has very little support inside the system (Foster was his support) but has a lot of external support. She basically shoved him out and said "Go ask for help, idiot." Which he did, and I'm so proud of him for that. The fusion finished late Tuesday evening, though I can tell it will still be a while until it's a "full" fusion, I think. There's still slight separation, however, we are one and I can tell this will likely be permanent unless there's an intense outside stressor that breaks us apart again.

So, what does it feel like to be fused? There have been many posts in the past about this on the good old Tumblr, many probably worded way better than ours will ever be, (namely this post by @subsystems)

However, I still want to share, as I feel it may help some people who are anxious about fusion. I know we sure as hell were! However, now that it's finished and here to stay, I can say confidently: this was for the best, and it has made me feel so much better.

Being a fusion of Jules and Foster is interesting. I feel both parts in me. I do something and kind of chuckle and think "that was the Foster in me" or I say something and I think "wow, that was so Jules of me." They are still there, 100%. I feel them. The way I've been describing it to friends is like the two of them are constantly hugging inside of my chest. I feel their closeness, and they are closer than ever before. We are happy as one self, rather than our separate selves. This feels good. It feels peaceful. Even though it was just two parts, and we still have dozens upon dozens more to contend with--I still feel just a little more "whole." Having them both in me feels so peaceful. This was meant to happen.

Foster and Jules, for those that know them more personally, are quite literally opposites in almost every way. Jules is very introverted, Foster is immensely extroverted. Jules has extreme problems with fatigue, Foster has almost endless energy. Jules is unbothered or doesn't care about sex and Foster is essentially a sex addict😂 There could not be two more different parts in our system. We were so worried about how this would end up, but overall it's so so good. I know I keep saying "it's so good", but I really have no better words to describe. I feel closer to my best friend than ever before, this is how it was always meant to be.

We agreed on the name Dorian about two weeks prior to the fusion, however we knew we could easily change our minds afterward. It was mostly a suggestion and a name we both loved. We knew we could decide to stick with Jules, or stick with Foster. Thing is, I still feel like being called Jules wouldn't be weird. Same with Foster. I AM them. But...also not? There was no "loss" of either of them like we were worried about. I am Jules, I am Foster, but I am also a super special secret third thing that is what makes ME. Dorian🥰 Dorian feels good. I would answer to both of the other names, most likely! However, while I am them, I'm also not. Jules just a bit to the left, and Foster just a bit to the right, as I've sort of described to others!

I'm still working out who I am and how this will affect my relationships with inner parts and external people. Foster and James were VERY close. Partners in every sense of the word. Jules and James had a more sibling type relationship. Kind of a "you're my annoying sibling but I love you anyway" sort of thing. I feel both in me now. I love him both romantically and platonically. As this fusion becomes more solid and I start understanding who I am more completely, I will see which way I lean toward the most. I know James is hesitant to be around me because he doesn't want me to feel like I am being pressured into a relationship with him, as he knows it won't be the same as it was before. I can tell that I lean more toward the romantic feelings toward him, though I am waiting to be sure that's the direction I want to go. I know my personality, at least socializing, leans very heavy toward Foster. I talk loud like him, I gesture like him, I am incredibly crude like he was😂 However I still feel the Jules influence, which is so SO interesting. I feel like I really can't even put into words what this feels like. I was so terrified, and I realize we didn't need to be at all. This is such a good and pure feeling. Even though we were both non-trauma holding ANPs through and through, this step in our healing journey is so huge. It is incredible, really. I can already tell we will be so much better as One now.

So what I know about myself now:

My name is Dorian. I am genderfluid (like Foster was). I use he/they pronouns, either is fine. I look a lot like Foster with a bit of Jules flair. I can tell the Jules part of me would be so stoked at having a masculine body IW. Finally tall >:) I've got a cool picrew that I've been grooving on that captures our essence pretty well, I'd say. I'll put it in the read more below.

I will remain host, of course. I will primarily run this blog. Foster had a blog and so did Jules. I'll run both, though I'll probably rename Foster's blog, as it was highly tied to his source (he was an introject) and that isn't very relevant to me anymore, as he was already extremely source separate by the time we fused. The reason for keeping both is to 1) preserve both. I am still them and I like seeing the stuff we've done in the past and 2) ya boy needs an NSFW account and Foster's blog was exactly that LOL. Feels silly making a totally new blog. 😂

All in all. This was such a good experience. So amazing, really. I had been so hesitant on fusion. The idea of final fusion was scary even though we were open to it. Functional multiplicity seemed a better route. However now that we've experienced one fusion, the idea of feeling like this with everyone is....wow. What a thought. I know not all fusions will be quite like this, but the idea of feeling more whole and more "me" in one self is very appealing. While I am fine with either ending (functional multiplicity or final fusion) my mind is far more open to the idea of final fusion. The idea is thrilling.

SO interesting too, that our fusion started just before Multiplicity and Me's video came out about her final fusion journey, and after it ended we watched the video (which apparently James watched it already to give himself a bit more encouragement that this was a good thing, lol) and I could actually somewhat relate. I'm nowhere near the "final" part of fusion, but the way she spoke about fusion felt exactly like me. Gave me a confidence boost too, that I wasn't making this up😂 I am way better with the denial nowadays but it still hits every so often, especially with big system changes like this, or when discovering the subsystems. Feels like a weird fever dream, but realizing other people with DID have similar experiences only strengthens my resolve and helps me combat that denial.

Very first sign off as the new version of me. Jules a bit to the left, and Foster a bit to the right. Also known as Dorian. 🥰

Cheers to healing, friends.

-Dorian🌹

(face claim under the read more)

(picrew link)

[catboy-thoughtz]

god i could listen to the sounds my boyfriend makes all night.. he sounds so cute.. so pretty.. i wish i was there with him.. sleeping next to him and hearing him squeak or snore.. god him just breathing.. fuck.. i wish i could fuck him.. it drives me fucking insane sometimes i cant fucking take it -🦈

[candyland-toybox]

ok so i’ve been thinking abt how a lot of our system has seemingly “not existed” and were “actually kins” (i.e. our gorou fictive who i know was an alter because he fronted a few times and i’m pretty sure there were a few memory blocks from then? idk tho) and this has led me to try to find out if this has happened to us or anyone else.

ik did systems are pretty unique in how they function outside of how they form, since not every system functions the same (outside of formation, but even then trauma is diverse) so that made me think; can fictive alters fuse into hosts? ik it’s possible for alters to fuse into each other, but if a fictive fuses into the host, does the host then become a fictive? and what about if multiple fictives fuse into the host? what would that make them? also in general what term can be used for alters/fictives who are “more than one fictive”?

did any other systems experience this? i’m genuinely very curious about this since, if it does happen and there’s terms for it (by and for traumagenic obv, i don’t really prefer endo made terms unless we can reclaim them i.e. fictive and factive), i’d really like to know. i tried “claiming my own terms” in relation to this, but i don’t wanna seem like one of those endos who turn a serious disorder into a mogai identity (nothing against mogai btw, i just don’t like endos). if anyone wants to share their experiences/any info they have on this feel free to!

[valcksys]

one thing I inherited from the two past hosts I fused with is the transmasc dysphoria which I am NOT a fan of. i had no particular qualms with our body before despite inwardly identifying with being a man but now I just.. ew.