#dissociative vent

[sage-hazeline]

how do you reconnect to life after being disconnected for so long

[ask-me-about-therapy]

Tom Holland shocked his fans last month when he announced he would take a year-long break from acting to look after his mental health after playing Danny Sullivan in Apple TV’s The Crowded Room. At first, it was difficult to see why — the show, following a young man accused of attempted murder as he reveals his dark past, was hammered in the reviews, and the series didn’t really seem to make a splash.

However, many reviews alluded to a big “twist” in Episode 7. Now that twist is common knowledge: Danny Sullivan is a Host in a Dissociative Identity Disorder system, and the crimes were committed not by him, but by his “alters.” Characters whom viewers thought were Danny’s friends and protectors were actually part of his internal life, and in later episodes, we see them “front,” or present themselves in Danny’s behavior. His accent, posture, and whole personality switches.

This wasn’t much of a twist if you knew where to look. The entire series is loosely based on the real-life case of serial rapist Billy Milligan, who pled insanity due to DID and was found innocent. Daniel Keyes’ book The Minds of Billy Milligan is even credited in the opening sequence, making the late twist a bit less shocking than intended.

What isn’t surprising, however, is how another fictionalized story of Dissociative Identity Disorder is tied with murder. From Dressed to Kill to Split, fictional examples of this disorder are often shown as dangerous, violent people, and The Crowded Room seems to perpetuate that.

“Whenever there's any kind of media that surrounds DID, I lead in with a cringe almost every single time now because it's so misrepresented in media,” Kelly Caniglia, MA, LCMHC, LMHC, CCTP, tells Inverse. Caniglia is a board member of An Infinite Mind, a non-profit that provides resources and advocacy for those living with DID.

Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder, is a trauma response where an individual undergoes something so traumatic that memories, feelings, and traits are fragmented and spread across multiple identities. It’s a surprisingly common occurrence. “1.5% of this population is living with DID. That's more than people than there are redheads,” Caniglia says. “It is so much more common than people realize. And so this is a whole genre of human that we're essentially spotlighting and trying to make a quick buck on.”

To the show’s credit, it’s clear the minds behind The Crowded Room took a responsible portrayal of DID in mind. “We read Daniel Keyes' book, we read articles that align with the topic, we watched films and documentaries, we spoke to experts and specialists in this field,” Tom Holland told Inverse’s Hoai-Tran Bui during the series’ press junket. Caniglia does point to elements that show this research, like the depiction of Danny’s internal space as the eponymous “crowded room,” a space where alters convene and discuss what to do going forward. This internal space is something experienced by some (but not all) DID systems.

But it’s hard to get behind this show as a thoughtful, considerate reflection on this disorder when it’s treated as a “gotcha,” like a narrative twist that’s full of shock and awe, not something that is simply a part of who the character is. Still, Tom Holland defended the choice. “What's really important about our show is to understand that there's more to Danny than just his DID. We wanted audiences to get to know him as a human being before people make assumptions about this mental health issue, this affliction that he has,” he said.

To Caniglia, the twist was low-hanging fruit. “There are so many pieces to DID that are not widely understood,” she said, “So it's fascinating to those that don't know it and it's fascinating to think about, ‘What? This one body has 50 people inside of it? What does that look like? How does that work?’”

So what could this series do to portray this disorder in a more sensitive light? For Caniglia, it could be as simple as a disclaimer that this is one DID story, or any other way of using this show’s high-profile platform in order to spread awareness of just what DID is in our world beyond the violent stereotypes.

She also pointed out there are other works that are working against this archetype, like filmmaker Dylan Crumpler’s short film Petals of a Rose, or even Marvel’s series Moon Knight. It was still a violent portrayal of a DID system, but it showed a hero as someone living with DID. The population finally had positive representation they could look to: a literal superhero. Considering the past depictions, that’s a big step.

The Crowded Room is a gripping story that does attempt to show that DID is nothing more than a self-preservation technique, but it’s still perpetuating harmful stereotypes, even if it’s based on a true story.

“Representation is so important,” Caniglia says, “And this population is already so marginalized that though this piece is entertaining and has points of great execution, it still reinforces the rhetoric of people with mental illness, in this case DID, are dangerous.”

[thecovenhouseco]

I wanna roll around in dirt and forget I’m real for just a little bit

[russosafehaven]

All Of Your Parts

Series Title: All Of Your Parts

Chapter Title: 2 - Comic Books and Childhood

Pairing: Billy Russo x System!Reader

Content: Reader with DID, Soft!Billy, Established Relationship, Name in Bold is who’s fronting, Trauma mentions

BR Taglist: @snowkestrel @judig92

~

Y/N L/N

You had moved into Billy’s apartment after a particularly rough mental health day with you ending in the hospital. Once you had been discharged you found all your stuff moved to the penthouse, Billy putting his foot down in terms of your care. Despite the relationship still rather new you’d fallen hard for the former marine.

“Baby talk to me, somethings in your mind”

The two of you were in his couch watching mindless tv. In the time you’d been sitting together you had drifted away from Billy, staring off into the distance. He was looking at you with those warm chocolate eyes you loved so much, they reeked of comfort.

“Nothing, I’m just out of it”

He crawled over to you and you caught a glimpse of his fluffy pink socks, a silly gift you had gotten him for easter. A calloused hand came up to your cheek brushing against it. It was the moment you realised you were crying. Billy wiped them away with his thumb before leaning into your neck to kiss away.

“Nuh uh, none of that. Tell me what’s wrong”

You didn’t know if you could tell Billy what was wrong. Your thoughts had been on the few things you’d been told about your childhood. The memories which may or may not be real. The trauma of which haunted you day in day out.

“Just childhood stuff”

It was a hoarse whisper, one accompanied with light tears falling from your eyes. Billy pulled you into his chest and you listened to his heart beating. With your free hand you mimicked the rhythm by tapping on his thigh.

“Tell me when you’re ready okay? Whether that’s now or never”

[ddogdeath]

[aurora-of-paradigms]

Polyfragmentation

I'm feeling invalid these days. My timeloss isn't as bad as it used to be.

Does anyone else who is polyfragmented have a lot of co-consciousness and frequent switches? Seven distinct identities talked to my boyfriend the other day. I had severe dissociation, kept feeling vertigo around some of the switches or feeling dizzy, but remembered most of it.

I feel invalid because a lot of systems don't have frequent switching or constantly dialoguing to the other selves inside.

Anyone else relate?

[Sunset and Red Gold have been fronting a lot lately. Just leaving this note here for future reference. Arika is the monotone version of me that is serious about studying and generally more serious in demeanor. I keep noticing that self - she doesn't handle things the way I would and I hate it. I'm more exuberant and just do things differently, even if only slightly. There is a lot of dissonance in identity and how I present myself right now.]

[pensarecool2]

Memories are stupid and weird. Idk how it is for other people, but for most things, your memory bases how you view the world.

For example, you look at your phone. You know what a phone is. You have past memories at some point that are explaining to you what a phone is. You remember it. You might not think about it, but these memories all build up your view of what it is. You can remember there are different kinds of phones. You know how you have your phone, and why it's there. For the most part, it's probably not that significant.

The same goes for a lot of things, especially basic things. What you typically eat. What you look at, etc. If the first time you experience something, it's positive or neutral, then the thing doesn't matter. It's something that exists.

But what about if the first time you experience something, it's bad? Maybe the first time you get into a red truck, something bad happens. Maybe every time you get into a red truck, something bad happens. Maybe when you watch a certain TV show or eat a certain fruit.

Maybe the first time something happened relating to an object or concept, it was bad. And every time it was brought up again, all you could think about was that first negative experience.

It makes it hard to navigate the world when everything about common things relates back to horrible things.

[dissociated-identity]

Feeling a little lost

I barely switch anymore, I used to all the time and now it’s co-con or just hearing them around instead. Granted, I’m in my early 30’s now but I don’t know if that’s a factor. I miss it, but I also have “faking it” anxiety and all the rest av it.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[c4tb1rd]

Hey does anyone else feel like. Wrongish. Like you’re an Entity shoved into a human body that wasn’t built for you and you’re just now figuring it out?

Like, I feel like I’m supposed to have wings. If I focus I can feel them, the “shoulder” joint is right under my shoulder blade. They puff up when I’m cold and flap when I’m happy and wrap around myself when I’m sad. I’ve always had them.

But I don’t have them. And sometimes I don’t mind but sometimes it feels like I’ve lost something.

I am a system and dissociation makes up a large part of my consciousness, so that may be it. I’ve looked into therianthropy but it doesn’t seem like what I’m experiencing.

I guess I’m just asking if someone else feels the same. DMs and asks are open if you have advice or want to chat!

[bpdcodone]

Decided to take a drive last night and ended up walking in a dissociative episode 9 hours away from home with no memory of how I got there so I had to take an Uber home

[diaryofthelapine]

so like, i dont have a DID diagnosis, but i've been doing a lot of trauma and parts work with my therapist. it's such a relief to know what my mind has been doing, that it's trying to keep me safe.

i just remember growing up being so alone and wishing i could live 1000 lives, creating my own world with "imaginary friends" that i could live vicariously through instead of being trapped in reality.

an example of this being what i now know as an introject of Brietta from Barbie's Magic of Pegasus. i wanna fucking cry bc as i write this im confirming with my mom that my Penelope the pegasus who went with me to class in kindergarten is definitely not simply a figment of my imagination and i can still feel her here the more i remember.

thats enough for one day though we cant open that can of wings now

blessings to all,

bunni

[res-black]

is feeling like your not supposed to be here a symptom of dissociation?

because it’s been happening more and more lately.

[ask-me-about-therapy]

Having dissociative amnesia can be a confusing and distressing experience. Individuals with dissociative amnesia experience gaps in their memory, meaning they cannot recall important personal information that is not due to ordinary forgetfulness. The memories that are lost cannot be recovered through normal means such as reminders or suggestion, and the individual may have gaps in their memory that can last anywhere from a few hours to several years.

People with dissociative amnesia may feel detached or removed from their surroundings and may have difficulty with day-to-day activities and relationships. They may feel a sense of confusion or disorientation and may struggle to make sense of their experiences. They may also feel a sense of fear or anxiety about what has happened or what they have forgotten.

In some cases, individuals with dissociative amnesia may experience other symptoms such as flashbacks, dissociative identity disorder, and depression.

It's important to seek the help of a mental health professional if you are experiencin

[witchywastrel]

Do you ever just suddenly become aware that you exist, like you've been out of your body for hours, days, weeks, or however the fuck long and you suddenly hop back in and you just feel, like you can feel wind or air from a fan and hear the electrical buzzing of every piece of technology, and you notice every little detail about where your body is and how it's existing, how every piece of it falls into place and hurts and aches and some random piece is strangely relaxed, how you notice every piece of tension and you just are, like you always feel and hear those things, but you never notice, because you've dissociated to the point where your body doesn't feel anymore, and then for that fleeting moment you just are again?

[thatwhitecrow]

Memories

I know you will never see this and I hope you never will

I do not miss you, nor the pain you brought

I do not resent you for the things you did

I am not innocent 

We are both guilty

We were two toxic kids, doing everything we could to make ourselves worse

Now you are but a collection of patchwork memories and emotions that I am forcing myself to forget 

But it will never work 

The holes you bore into me will never fully heal 

They will forever be a harsh reminder of how bad things can get 

And how dire the consequences of my actions can be 

I never want things to go back to how they were

But some nights 

I miss how it felt 

The hope that things would work out 

The rush of adrenaline whenever you would call 

The feeling of being so close to someone who was so far away 

The knowing that I always had someone who would listen to my ramblings for hours on end 

The plans we had made for when we finally made it 

It’s funny how the brain remembers things 

It tries to hides away the pain and trauma Highlighting the good 

It makes you feel guilty when you try to hate someone who fucked you up just because you still had good times with them 

If I could remember it all 

Every word we spoke 

Every message sent

Every emotion felt 

Every tear cried

Maybe I would resent you

Maybe I would resent myself

But I don’t remember

And all I can feel Is pity 

Pity for two stupid kids

[bloodyscott]

Oh can you save me, from myself, from these memories

Oh can you save me, from myself, from these memories

— Forget to Remember (Mudvayne, album Lost and Found)