jolene
james potter x reader
this is not a good fic for james.. (love him tho) and my remus bias is SHOWING. i love lily. no lily hate.
jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
i'm begging of you please don't take my man
jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
please don't take him just because you can
a small part of you knew that, although you were the one dating james potter, lily evans still held a place in his heart. i mean it was sad right? someone you were in love with, someone you were dating, was in love with someone else. but for some reason you had grown accustomed to it, was this stupid of you? yes, maybe. but you didn't want to lose james, as both a boyfriend and a friend. so it felt like a logical thing.
you knew lily evans didn't like james either, not even as a friend. she hated the boy. you thought back to the gossip you had had with her, marlene and dorcas when they found out you were dating him.
"merlin y/n, james?" lily had whispered-shouted the very night she found out that you were dating him.
"hey.. he's not that bad." you chuckle.
"that's not gonna convince her, it's a well known fact lils hates james." marlene laughs.
"that's true." you respond.
"and i thought you liked remus anyway." lily teases.
"that was in like 3rd year, i've been over that ages." you feel your face heat. sure you had liked moony once, but you had liked james for a while now.
"he's better than james though, seriously you can do better y/n." lily tells you.
you giggle, but then see dorcas with a confused look on her face.
"you alright dorcas?" marlene raises an eyebrow.
"yeah i just.. i have a question." dorcas speaks up.
you nod at her to speak.
"when did james get over lily? i'm not saying he doesn't like you of course y/n, but up until the other week, he was obsessed with her." dorcas thinks aloud, in all fairness, asking the question on everyones lips.
you sigh.
"i asked him that, he told me he was trying to deflect the fact that he really liked me, and he was too nervous to flirt with me so flirted with lily instead to hide his true feelings." you mutter, now realising that james' reasoning was.. maybe not the best.
"aww thats cute y/n.." marlene sees the look on your face and tries to comfort you.
"yeah." you smile, weakly.
"and don't worry y/n, i would never go anywhere near potter. and i think he does like you and not me." lily reassures you.
noticing your discomfort, the girls changed the subject, but you couldn't nudge the feeling of doubt in your chest. now that you thought about it, james' reasoning felt a bit.. excuse like? but no, he asked you out, not lily. so he must like you?! relationships were complicating; you guessed you'd have to wait to see how things played out.
your beauty is beyond compare
with flaming locks of auburn hair
with ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
"hello gorgeous." james grins at you cheekily, planting a kiss on your cheek as you take a seat next to him at the gryffindor table.
"guys do we really need to be doing this at eight o'clock in the morning." sirius fake gags. you stick your tongue out at him in response, causing him to laugh.
"just cos you're lonely padfoot." james chuckles.
sirius playfully rolls his eyes at him, and you see remus looking at you from the other side of the table. you smile at him which he returns but looks away quickly, feeling like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't.
james wraps an arm around your waist, and starts telling you whatever new prank him and sirius were planning on snape.
"and then we were planning to turn his hair green." he smiles at you.
"poor snape." you tease.
"what? you planning on leaving me for snivellus?" james raises an eyebrow, playfully.
"of course." you respond chuckling.
your playful banter was interrupted by lily approaching you, carrying your transfiguration book. of course, you invited her to sit with yourself and the marauders but she didn't like to be near james for long periods of time.
"y/n, you left this in our dorm this morning." she smiles at you and hands you the book.
you smile back. she looked extra pretty today, her green eyes sparkling, her auburn hair shiny. it made you feel a little self-conscious.
"thanks lils, what would i do without you?" you laugh.
"you wouldn't be able to cope, that's for sure." lily smiles at you, giving you a wave, heading back to her own seaat.
"thank godric for that, mcgonagall would've been fuming-" you turn back to james, your words faltering seeing his face.
his face was bright red and he looked distracted as he gazed off into the distance. you followed his gaze to see what was wrong with him. then you realised. james was looking at lily. and he had a stupid goofy smile on his face. what a prick! he was YOUR boyfriend.
"james, are you okay?" you snap him out of his daze.
"yeah yeah, perfectly fine love." he turns back to you, his blush fading.
then it was as if everything was back to normal. sirius, james and peter engaging back into their normal conversation. you were quieter however. remus remained quiet as well, noticing the dejected look on your face. he gave you a comforting smile across the table and you gave him a weak one in return.
at that moment, you wished nothing more to be lily evans.
your smile is like a breath of spring
your voice is soft like summer rain
and i cannot compete with you
jolene.
"i don't want to feel like a second choice to you james! i love you." you sighed. this was yours and james's first argument. and you HATED it.
"i love you too y/n, of course you're not my second choice!" james tries to comfort you.
"i just feel like you're just settling for me because lily doesn't like you!" you admitted.
"well that's not true y/n, i told you.. i was using lily to coverup my feelings for you." james lets out a exasperated sigh.
"sometimes it doesn't feel that way james, i don't want to be the person you settle for just because you cannot have her (iykyk)" you rub your forehead with your hand.
"y/n.." james puts his arm around you. "it's you i'm dating.. not evans. don't be jealous!"
you scoff. "of course i'm jealous, she's beautiful and you were obsessed with her long before dating me."
"and i'm not anymore. just drop it y/n. i love you not her." james frowns.
you sigh and cave in.
"i don't like arguing with you james." you say, as you rest your head on his shoulder.
"i don't like arguing with you either y/n" he sighs, and pulls you closer.
you couldn't stop thinking about lily though. you were friends with her, and she would never intentionally hurt you. you knew deep down james still liked her, feelings don't go away that easy.
he talks about you in his sleep
and there's nothing i can do to keep
from crying when he calls your name
jolene
gryffindor house were infamous for throwing the best parties. and tonight was living proof. gryffindor had just won a quidditch match against slytherin which of course meant a big celebration. and of course, your boyfriend and captain of the team james potter was the main centre of attention.
"he's nuts." you shake your head at sirius, when you see james dancing and obnoxiously singing to dancing queen by abba in the middle of the common room.
"he's bloody brilliant." sirius takes a sip of firewhiskey, chuckling.
the man in question headed towards you.
"y/n, would you care to join me." he jokingly bows down, holding his hand out for you to take.
"indeed i would." you giggle and take his hand.
he pulls you to the middle of the common room, twirling you around/ you laugh and join in singing and dancing. you could tell he was a little drunk but you didn't mind.
as the party went on, you had somehow lost contact with james. he was a social butterfly of course, probably talking to his friends. you yourself were stood with marlene, dorcas and lily, sipping your drinks, giggling at the antics of some of your housemates.
the party eventually thinned out, at about 3 in the morning, when mcgonagall told them to quiet down. eventually it was just you and as you looked towards the jukebox (which was playing jolene by dolly parton) remus carrying a half unconscious james.
you walked up to the two.
"he's drunk too much." remus chuckles.
"unsurprising, i'm sure he had already had about 4 firewhiskeys in the first hours." you smile affectionately at james.
remus notices your smile, and smiles wider.
"you don't usually come to parties, do you remus?" your question catches remus off guard.
"n-no i don't. just wanted to support my friends." he responds, knowing that was probably a good answer judging by the smile on your face.
you turn back to look at james.
"let's get you to bed ay?" you say, trying to wake him.
"l-lily?" james whispers, seemingly in his sleep.
your heart dropped. of course he was dreaming about lily.
"i'm not lily." you grit your teeth. "would you rather have her take care of you?"
remus sees your face and is quick to comfort you.
"don't worry y/n, he's drunk, he probably doesn't know any better." he says.
you nod and sit down on one of the armchairs.
how could you ever compete with lily evans?
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aren’t promises meant to be broken?
at 17 sirius promised to always be there for you whenever you need him. now 3 years after your break up, sirius has yet to break this promise.
tags: sirius black x f!reader,, magical nuisances,, exes to friends to lovers,, hurt and comfort,, fluff,, angst,, slytherins + pandora,, no voldy
a/n: took me an embarrassing amount of time to finish but i’m kinda soft for this fic ngl
people never stay friends with their exes. even with the promises of being one when breaking up. most find it, understandably, too awkward to continue any sort of relationship with them.
you would have been one of those people, at least you think so. but certain circumstances have deemed this preference a futile thought.
“i can’t believe you got me here to clean your bathroom.” sirius glared, peeling off the rubber gloves off his hands and slumping down on the breakfast nook.
“someone had to do it.” you shrugged, “it wouldn’t be the first time,” you smiled, vanishing the gloves and cleaning the table too. before placing a plate in front of him filled with sausages, toast and beans.
“that’s the fucked up part! it isn’t even my first time doing this.” he groans, grabbing a fork that you immediately slapped away.
“wash your hands first, you animal.”
he whines a protest but gets up anyway, rubbing his slapped hands as he does so—pouting because he’s dramatic like that.
“aren’t you going to eat with me?” he asks, his back turned to you as he washes his hands.
you were almost going to say yes, out of habit, having done so numerous times before. but remembered belatedly, the date set up by regulus with one of his work colleagues. a proper fit to you, he said. “no, i’m meeting somebody for dinner later.”
he closes the tap, turning to you again. “dinner? with who?”
you clicked your tongue at the dripping mess he’s making on the floor. grabbing paper towels and tossing it to him to wipe it himself. “some bloke from regulus’ work.”
“regulus? another date then?”
you nodded, feeling a bit uncomfortable at the idea of talking about dates your ex’s brother set you up with.
he frowned. going back to the table and grabbing the fork to start eating the warm food. “i see,”
and that was, thankfully, the end of that.
you didn’t really want to delve into your dating life with anyone, much less your ex-boyfriend of all people—no matter how many times he cleans your bathroom. it was already morbidly pathetic, how your friends seem to think you needed help finding someone new and to move on with.
but in your defence, it is rather difficult finding someone who would be okay with your, er, arrangement with your ex.
it is all sirius’ fault, really, but what isn’t? accidentally making a magically-binding promise to you, seems just like the type of thing he would do. and he has.
ever since he made that promise at 17 when you’ve just started dating, sirius has been showing up in your life, ready to help you with anything you need. you thought of this is in a more figurative sense, but no. that was too simple.
instead, whenever you need something. maybe something as simple as scratching your back, to partaking in a monthly bathroom cleaning, sirius would just appear out of thin air into your house, or wherever you need him, and he would be required to do it else he wouldn’t be able to leave.
when you were dating, this was something you both enjoyed, sometimes even looked forward to. using it as an excuse to latch unto each other the whole day. but now, having been spilt for how many years now (3 but who’s counting?) you can imagine how this magic promise has become a nuisance in your everyday life.
you tried resisting it, of course. though the power of will and mental fortitude can only do so much when you can’t reach the top shelves of your kitchen. forget about avoiding your ex, when he can just pop in whenever, wherever, when you get so much as a paper cut. you can see how the novelty of the situation can run its course. so much so, you sort of just learn how to deal with it instead of fighting it.
you’ve learned to use this to your advantage, of course, making him do chores around the house, makes him a great house elf without the moral issues of owning one.
he was also quite reluctant, when you both broke up, but that was to be expected. he had tried moving away to france, thinking the distance might prevent him from showing up. but that only made it difficult to explain to the travel officers how he can exit the country without violating travel wizarding laws.
regardless of the reluctant acceptance of such peculiar arrangement, you still have that hope you can somehow reverse it.
this particular hope always trampled by your friends’ insistence to utilize your situation to your extreme satisfaction.
“i don’t understand why you would want to remove it, to be honest.” dorcas frowned flipping through the pages of magical vows and contracts, vol.2. “i mean if i had someone doing things for me all day long, i certainly wouldn’t complain.”
“are you joking? why would anyone want to stay bound to their ex?”
she looked over to you, tone playfully mocking, but mocking regardless. “you mean an ex who does everything you need him to?”
“well, how would you feel if lily was always around you doing stuff for you?”
“oh please, if lily was bound to me, cleaning my bathroom wouldn’t be the only thing she would be doing.”
you grimace, “spare me the details, i beg of you.”
“so you wouldn’t like it if you and sirius partook… in certain late night activities?” she hummed.
you sputter out scandalized gasps, face feeling gruesomely warm, “don’t be disgusting! i have no intentions of ever doing anything with him and i assume he share the sentiments, a-and it is appalling that you think so—!” you breathed in deep, willing your face to relax and to settle your wild heart. “i don’t need him to be anything other than a reluctant acquaintance.”
pandora laughs from the floor, “not even considering him as a friend? poor sirius.”
you huff, embarrassed and frankly a bit betrayed.
you friends have convinced themselves of sirius’ intentions to be more than what is required of him. pushing you of all people to act upon seducing him using your gods given womanly assets, as pandora had once labelled.
you abruptly stood up from the table, going over to the stove to reheat the water to make more tea. “besides, i am perfectly capable of handling things by myself, thank you very much.”
it’s dorcas who laughs this time, “what do you mean? just last week, he had to bandage your finger for you because you bit your cuticle to blood. you are entirely dependent on him at this point.”
you huff, “i am not. i am a woman capable of attending to my own needs. that was the bind’s requirements of it all, i have to let him do these things or the bond won’t ever let him leave, you know this already.” you groan, rolling your eyes. “my point still stands. i don’t need him, nor will i ever need him. i just want all of this out of my life and in the past, like it should have been.”
“doesn’t he have his own room in this house by now?”
“it’s not his room, it’s a guest room— that he frequently uses. there’s a difference.”
it was pandora munching on peanuts, wholly amused that responded next, “right,” she drawled, “and that’s why he has his clothes folded and tucked away in the closet.”
“oh piss off, the nuisance sometimes happens in the middle of the night. how could i let him go home so late? what kind of host would i be?”
“couldn’t he just go home straight after?” dorcas asks.
“is it a nuisance, still?” pandora asks.
you cross your arms, petulant, “he can, but he chooses not to. and yes, still.” you scoff, “i know you think something filthy is happening but i particularly don’t enjoy his impromptu trespasses, believe me.”
“i don’t know, you two seem to be getting along quite well.”
“me and that useless oaf? are you joking?”
pandora smiled sweetly, “hardly useless now, i hear.”
“and what did you hear?”
“takes care of you quite well, what with dinner invites with the potters and even travelling?”
you turned around, fiddling with the tea cups, hoping to hide your darkening flush. but you know it did nothing, judging by their giggles.
“travelling?” dorcas inquired, interest piqued.
you don’t see her but you can sense her teasing smile.
you have yet to share that tidbit of embarrassing info to her. mainly because you don’t know how to squeeze it in and you don’t know how to even begin.
you did go to the potters for one random dinner. the invite came after sirius had come and helped you arrange your home library. it was just a simple dinner. filled with other people, hardly anything scandalous.
the travelling together was accidental. you were off to travel with bloke #4, as graciously dubbed by sirius (someone regulus had set you up with at the time) off to a romantic getaway for the weekend to a hot spring up the mountains. only to get thirsty halfway through your trip and have sirius show up in your train compartment only in his boxers and fluffy bunny slippers.
there were no other stops in the train. anti apparition wards set up and the floo connection was severed in the hotel to promote exclusivity, sirius had to join in on the activities through his relentless insistence. he had ate and laughed obnoxiously loud - sitting dangerously close to you the entire trip. he had constantly went on a tangent, reminiscing about your past relationship ranging from random dates to the make out spots you’ve frequented together in hogwarts. safe to say that was the last time you’ve heard from bloke #4.
but you could hardly think to be upset about that. you quite… enjoyed yourself.
but you’ll be damned before you admit that to these two vultures.
taking a deep breath, “there was no dinner invites nor travelling. it was—“
“magical nuisance, yes, yes.” pandora waves off.
you roll your eyes again, grabbing the hot kettle to steep the tea. “stop trying to make things—ah! fuck, ow.” you hiss, holding your painfully warm, stinging fingers. you see the tiny boils already appearing on your skin, the piercing pain shooting through your fingers. you squeezed your hand, hoping to elevate some of the pain.
sirius made a quick move to grab your wrists to pull you to the sink. you didn’t even hear him arrive.
“what happened?” he asks, silver eyes looking at you in intense worry. softly holding your hand under the cold running water gliding down your hand. he was standing so close to you you could smell a tiny hint of his soap. you slowly start to relax.
that is before you catch dorcas’ glinting gaze and pandora’s knowing smile. both of which you vehemently ignore, as you stare at your red fingers and his much larger hand on yours.
“i burned my fingers on the kettle.”
“goodness love, you have to be more careful.”
“sorry.” you mumbled, but having no idea why you would even apologize in the first place. still, you feel the heat of your hand spread to your body.
dorcas, having stood up to help you sat back down again, “hello, sirius. right on time as always.” she called, a cetain lilt in her voice you nervously recognized.
“sirius black, what a coincidence.” pandora sing songs, no subtlety whatsoever.
oh, they are just the worst.
he regarded them both in an overly familiar smile (an ex shouldn’t give to his ex’s friends) and in a light teasing tone as he says “good evening, ladies. why do i get the feeling like you’ve been gossiping about me?”
“you might have been mentioned once or twice.” pandora shrugged.
sirius softly laughs, the sound barely heard over the sink, before he stares at your fingers again, rubbing his thumb over the sensitive skin. before looking at you with a teasing smirk to which you only roll your eyes at.
you see shuffling in your peripheral, meeting your friend’s eyes, you see them gesture to you and sirius. trying to wordlessly communicate to you with wide smiles. you imagine something akin to, see? what did we tell you? not useless right? nuisance my ass. look at you guys holding hands under the water.
as if just realizing it now, you pull your hand away from his grip in an embarrassed haste, as he slowly lets go with a small frown etched on his face.
drying his hands on the towel, as he leans down to unnecessarily whisper to you. “i’m going to get a burn salve, i’ll be quick.”
“it’s in the—“
“bathroom, yes, angel, i know. just wait for me.” he drawled, giving you a wry smile.
you stare at his retreating figure. you almost want to laugh at his serious reaction to a simple burn from a kettle. hardly calls for any salve. but you kept the comments in, for whatever reason. a fluffy, dangerous feeling erupting in your chest.
you hear dorcas whistle to get your attention, a smirk on her face, “angel?”
when the promise first happened, it was during graduation from hogwarts. absolutely gutted by the fact that your parents didn’t show. they’ve been vocal about their disappointment that you weren’t able to finish at the top of your class. but you had hoped they would still show. you were, after all, still their kid.
but there was noticeably empty seats in an area reserved for your family. so, naturally as any teenager, the next best thing you could do in the situation is cry alone in a bathroom.
though the lack of company didn’t last too long, because then your boyfriend appeared, looking to be in a middle of taking pictures if his big and goofy face is anything to go by.
he heard you, before he saw you. hearing your soft sniffles and the tiny hiccups from your mouth. at the time, you both didn’t question what had happen. why he was inside the girl’s bathroom, why is there a strange pull to follow your every whims. but he was suddenly there to comfort you, and make you smile again—who were you deny his services?
you both only managed to understand what was happening by the third time it happened. sirius suddenly appearing by your bedside, wet and covered in suds. he was in the middle of showering and you promptly freaked out, seeing large bits you weren’t ready to see yet.
but understanding why it was happening didn’t mean both of you would be prepared anytime it actually happened.
the bind didn’t pick and choose when, where, and why he would appear. there was an embarrassing moment when he showed up in the bathroom when you’ve ran out of tissue paper. also at your house during dinner when you needed salt, to which your parents justifiably freaked out at the sight of a boy, claiming to be your boyfriend.
this hasn’t changed years later.
now as you lie in your bed, feeling the scratchy feeling in your throat. you knew by the tingles in your arms. the thrumming static of your magic within you— letting you know of his arrival before you could even sit up.
there he was, your ex-boyfriend, like the days before. it was terribly late, and he was struggling to even stand straight as he yawns in the middle of your room, wearing a set of well-loved teddy bear pajamas.
“somethin’ wrong baby?” his voice deep, hoarse and low. something exciting spiking through your veins, making you more awake.
you knew, if he was more alert he wouldn’t have called you that.
you try not to think why you feel miffed by that fact.
“jus’ some water please.” you call softly from your bed.
he yawns again, rubbing his flat belly, “okay.” he breathes, walking in the darkness of your room with practiced ease.
you hear the small sounds of clanks in the kitchen, and the fridge being pulled open.
he knew you liked you water cold. he knew where your drinking glasses were. he knew where you keep the salves. he knew your apartment in the dark.
in the beginning, especially after your relationship ended, you associated this binding promise as an act of forceful requirement. at best, you see it as a favour you give to a stranger. but lately, especially in the quiet of your house, the pet names that keeps slipping out of his mouth as of late—you start to dangerously think of this as something else. as something more. as something painfully familiar.
he comes back quiet, siting on the bed near your thighs, as he hands you the cool, moist glass. his hair was tousled more than usual. there were sleeping marks on his face. he was probably already asleep before you needed him here.
you feel a little bit guilty, but you see his flushed cheeks through the soft glow of the moon outside your window, and the hooded gaze he desperately tries to keep open. you fight back a smile instead.
“is that all, baby?” his hand softly smoothing your hair at the back of your head. your room felt ridiculously warm.
“thank you.” you murmured before setting the glass on the bedside table.
he gives you one last sleepy smile, eyes closed and his hair toppling over his eyes. “okay, if that’s all—“
“are you going back?” you cut in, holding his wrist, your finger on his pulse. keeping him seated before he could even stand. before his warmth leaves your bed.
“i don’t have to..” he offers. like always, giving you the choice to draw the line.
you hesitate before you answer, letting go of his wrist, “it’s late..” and that’s all you say, and apparently that’s all he needs.
“is it alright then, if i stay the night? then i can leave in the morning?” he whispers back. his warm hand, touching your thigh over the covers. he felt so far away.
you don’t do this, not usually. but in the dark space of your room you feel more confident. more assured. braver.
you move slightly to the side, giving him space, “if you want.” conveniently forgetting the existence of the spare room. choosing to blame it on the lack of sleep.
he smiles, moving the covers. the short moment of exposure making you shiver in the cold. he notices, quickly sliding into bed with you. arms stiffly on his sides and yours crossed across your chest.
still not brave enough.
you feel him shuffle, laying on his side and facing you. his fingers just barely grazing your sides in a soft touch.
you fell asleep faster than any other night, hearing him breath near your ear.
you dream of a teary conversation from a time not so long ago, of desperate pleas not to leave you. and when you feel his arm curl around your waist. you dreaming of nothing for the rest of night.
the next morning, you woke up later than you would have, and see the too empty space next to you. the pang in your chest, grossly familiar.
it had been a month since the night he’s stayed with you. not a breath has been acknowledged about that night. choosing to ignore the lingering tension, the long stares and the awkward dispositions.
you don’t know whether to feel relieved or frustrated.
of course, your friends had noticed this - because hadn’t they been analyzing each of your move when it comes to sirius black?
dorcas eventually had to force it out of you. to which pandora squealed and teased you in delight. insistent of the blooming change in your relationship.
“blooming change?” you repeated.
“what? it’s poetic!” she argues.
“it’s dumb,” regulus calls out. “y/n isn’t the kind to return to an ex, especially not to my dumb brother, right y/n?” he looks so earnestly confident. so much so that you couldn’t even lie to agree with him. truth be told, you have no idea if you were even the type to go back, regardless if it was reggie’s dumb brother or not.
because sirius has been your first boyfriend and if this bind continues on, he might be your last. you don’t know if that’s a good thing, all things considered.
everyone has turned to you now, in varying degrees of smugness, amusement, pride and playful pity.
dorcas laughs, saving you from answering. “i don’t know reggie, seems like y/n’s getting a little swayed.”
reggie reacts for you, as if offended. “she is not! she is actively going on dates and meeting new people.”
“oh?” dorcas smirked.
barty, sitting up straighter, “doesn’t he have a room here or something?”
you say, “no,“ “yes.” pandora quips, at the same time.
you rolled your eyes, “it’s a guest room—“
“one that conveniently went unused in one random night.” evan hummed, smirking, as he blew his smoke out the window.
pandora and dorcas ooh’ed.
“it was late! he was practically dragging himself from the floor, i couldn’t let him hurt himself after i interrupted his sleep, a-and he was already there, it’d be rude not to—i don’t even know why i’m explaining myself to you!— i don’t have to explain myself, because i did nothing wrong.” your met with four amused looks and one gut wrenchingly, disappointed one.
dorcas clicked her tongue, “i don’t know why you’re even fighting it at this point.”
“what do you mean by that?”
“i mean, you clearly want to be with him still.”
you sputter, sitting straighter, indignant as you say, “what gave you that idea?”
“the longing gaze.”
“acting all shy.” barty adds.
“the late night rendezvous,” evan hums.
“giving him his own room.” pandora pointedly looked at you.
“the inability to pursue any other relationship after him.” regulus tutted.
you gasp, betrayed. “even you reggie?”
regulus rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and legs, “i am running out of eligible acquaintances to set you up with, you know.”
you don’t even know how to respond to that.
frankly you can’t. because you know they were right, and dammit if that didn’t hurt your pride just a little.
still, ridiculously hung up on an ex that didn’t even love you. a joke, really.
but you relish in the idea of sirius being near you. it sends a certain tingle down your spine just knowing he’ll arrive anytime, and be there for you. you like how he always stands so close to you even if he doesn’t have to. you like how you don’t have to tell him what he has to do before he does it. you like the pet names naturally slipping past his pretty mouth. how he’s always touching you in some way. how familiar it feels. the habits, the conversations, the feelings—how easy it all seems.
but it isn’t. you know it isn’t.
because you’ve tried and failed.
you fell for him, loved him the way you know how. leaving nothing for yourself as you give everything for him. loving him with no expectations for him to do the same. and so, he doesn’t.
he couldn’t love you back. at least not in the way you entirely feel for him.
he couldn’t look past his life and the experiences he’d endured just to reach that moment in the past. it wrecked you. you didn’t expect anything, but it still hurt when you got nothing for everything you had.
you don’t like the reminder, but you know you need it. you know how destroying it is to forget. you’ve tried being with him already and it didn’t work. you say this to them, whispered, as if ashamed.
you don’t even feel the tears sliding down your check as you say this.
dorcas’ smile dropped and pandora immediately sat down beside you.
“hey, you know it won’t be like that again.” pandora rubbing your shoulders.
“do i?” you rasped. “what’s so different about now than before? what’s to stop us from breaking up again?”
“it’s going to be different because you are different, and so is he.” dorcas said. “you were just teenagers, you barely knew yourselves back then. you weren’t ready for each other yet. he had issues to work out, and you had to grow up a little to understand that.”
you sniffled, “and you think we’re ready.”
“yes,” they all said.
dorcas reaching over and squeezing your hand, “i know you’re both ready.”
you shake your head, you don’t know if that’s true, “our forced proximity lasted longer than our actually relationship. and it’s only lasted this long because it’s just that—forced.”
pandora shook her head, dangling earrings clinking together. “that’s not true. it’s lasted this long because you wanted it to. you both wanted it to.”
evan nodded, smothering his cigarette butt and throwing it outside, “i, personally, wouldn’t want to spend any second with any of my exes, but you both didn’t even try finding any sort of solution to break the promise.”
barty gives you an awkward smile, as evan continues “if you had wanted to call it quits you would’ve found a way to end all of this the moment he had broken up with you. but you didn’t—“
“that’s because i couldn’t—“
“don’t lie,” regulus cut in, pouting, looking a bit like a petulant child. “we all know you could have found something in this ridiculously large library of yours.”
“why are you suddenly advocating for sirius and i to get back together again?”
regulus clicked his tongue, looking away. a slight flush on his cheeks. “i’m not advocating anything.” he huffs. “he’s an idiot who doesn’t deserve you. but if it’s sirius that ultimately makes you happy. then so be it.”
you swallow a lump, breathing a staggering breath, “i don’t know if he even—“
“he does.” regulus looking at you, eyes clear and sure. “he wouldn’t be so cross with me for setting you up with dates if he doesn’t.”
that same night, sirius, for once, was not summoned by you but of a call from regulus.
he already feels the natural flare of irritation, bracing himself for another round of teasing hums and provoking stories about how you’re on a date in an exclusive restaurant, with a bloke who’s ready to give you everything you need.
standing up from james’ couch, going to the kitchen to block the noise from the muggle telley, as remus called it. then accepting the call,
“i swear if you’re calling just to gloat about another conquest you’ve put her through then—“
“she needs you.” regulus slurred.
feeling an immediate spike in his heartbeat. already grabbing his jacket and hurrying to the front door to leave.
“we’re in a pub, bring your motorbike or something, she can’t apparate right now, too drunk.”
“i’ll be there in 10.” grabbing remus’ keys off a bowl in the entrance.
“oi, where the hell are you taking my car?” remus shrieked from the couch.
without looking back, “she needs me.”
peter whines from the living room, “but the game-!”
and he only slams the door close as a response.
“we’re in the east village, near a fountain.” regulus sluggishly explained before hanging up.
sirius wasn’t the best driver. in hindsight, he probably should have asked remus to drive him to you. but this was about you. he could hardly think about anything else when it comes to you. he would do anything for you, binding promise or not.
he found it particularly odd and extremely worrying, why you’re drinking on a thursday night. he knew you couldn’t handle your alcohol well, always ending up drinking too much and passing out.
considering regulus had to call him to come get you didn’t help his nerves as he drove faster than the limit allowed.
when he arrived expecting the worse, he found himself smiling at the sight of you.
you were laying your head on regulus lap as you both sat on the bench. he can hear barty and pandora trying to lift each other. dorcas and evan cheering them on.
but all he can see is you laying there. eyes closed and cheeks darkly flushed, dress splaying over your thighs. regulus smoothing your hair, lulling you to sleep. when he met his brother’s eyes. the younger black rolled his eyes and beckoned him over.
“took you long enough.” regulus grumbled, now sounding sober than when he called.
“is she okay?” sirius asks, crouching down and staring at your sleeping face for any signs of discomfort or pain.
regulus sighs, “just got a bit carried away, this one. she was… upset tonight so we let her have her fun an—“
“upset?” sirius cuts, couldn’t help the finger tracing your cheek and jaw. your nose twitching at his action. “why was she upset?”
regulus waves his hand, making vague gestures but offering no explanation. sirius frowns.
“i can take her home,” standing up, now as he calls out to the others. “does anybody else need a ride?”
all four heads, shook their heads and offered varying words of thanks. “you reggie?”
“don’t bother, i’m perfectly capable.” he tuts. “be careful of that metal beast.”
with slow movements, sirius slides his arms under your neck and the back of your thighs. making sure your dress stay tucked and you comfortably napping before lifting you up.
once lifted, your head turns to the crevice of his neck, burying your nose and breathing in deep. wrapping your own arms around his neck with practiced ease and familiarity.
his heart thrumming and slowing all the same. he likes you like this, so close to him and looking so content as you do now.
nodding his goodbyes to the others, as he walks to the car again. opening the car door proved to be a challenge what with an armful of you. but he managed to do so without jostling you too much. he didn’t want to wake you, but such actions proved to be futile as the moment you were placed in the passenger seat, you froze awake.
he tries to appease you with a gentle smile, brushing your hair behind your ear. “hi love, i’m getting you home today, is that alright?”
“siri?” you rasp, looking at him like he wasn’t real. his chest pounding as he sees your eyes glossing and shining with unshed tears. he immediately crouch down in front of you, grabbing of your hands, and peppering soft kisses on your knuckles.
“what is it, my love, why are you crying?”
“you’re here?”
he nodded, kissing your knuckles again. “i’m here.”
you said nothing, just staring at him. looking so lost and tearful. he feels a little guilty thinking you to be heart-clenchingly adorable, right now. looking so soft and precious, the urge to stay the night in the parking lot and just stare at you was strong but he knows he has to take you home, else you get sick.
he thought you were to say nothing else. so, he stood to close the door and head to the driver’s seat but you whined. tugging at his hand still in your clasp and pull him to you. tucking his head into your neck and burying your hand in his hair.
this is entering dangerous territories now, he thinks. one he very much like to continue venturing but he knows you weren’t sound of mind right now. so he refrains from touching you anymore than he has. his hands desperately clutching to the cold, hard car, substituting for your soft, pretty skin.
you whine, “don’t go.”
“‘m not going anywhere, baby. i’m just going to the seat next to you.” he mumbled, his lips agonizingly grazing your skin, he ignores the way your body shivers and the filthy thoughts that come with it. his hands gripping the car tighter.
“next to me?”
“yes, next to you.”
you eventually let him go, but not without constant coaxing.
he drives, slow and steady. avoiding potholes and uneven roads. you fell asleep again, from the slow, quiet drive and the soft, mellow music coming from the radio.
then sooner than he had liked, he parks in front of your house. he kills the engine and he whispers his calls to you. not sure whether he wants you awake to be feeling okay enough to walk or asleep so he can touch you again.
he moves when you stay quiet, doing everything he can to keep you from waking up. letting out a soft hiss each time a creak or a thump echoes in your quiet house.
when he finally, finally reaches your bedroom and lays you there, he’s quick to take off your shoes. then the realization of his next move taunts him. although, you looked very pretty with your dress, he doesn’t know if he should change your clothes into something more comfortable for you.
he knew an intense hungover when he sees one. getting up to change clothes isn’t pleasant with a raging headache. he stares at your laying figure. the thin strap of your dress slipped down, and your legs looking longer than he remembers.
he looks away before he sees anymore. it didn’t feel right, looking at you that way. especially whilst unconscious.
he open your dresser, knowing the drawer you keep your pajamas.
he sees a familiar, more faded than he remembers, shirt he always wore. the thought of you wearing his clothes makes him too happy and giddy for an adult man.
he fights his heart from beating too loudly. afraid you’ll hear. bites his lips to stop his giddy grin, and forces his eyes to focus on his search. but eventually did land on his old shirt and some long bottoms so you’d be warm.
he slid the bottoms first. careful not to touch your skin but very much feeling the heat of your thigh. he held his breath as he reached the curve of your bum. stopping and not knowing what to do next. with one arm he lifts you slightly off the bed. and with his eyes clenched tight, fast and frantic hands—holding his breath as he went to pull it up.
next was his your shirt. he had you sit up, head laying heavy on his shoulders. softly pulling back from you to slip the shirt over your head before letting you lean into him again. guiding your arms and pulling the soft tee down.
with a bated breath, he feels for the zipper at the back of your dress.
fingers touching and sliding over your back. the touch leaving a lingering static in his fingers. when he clutched the thin tiny thing, he slide it down. slowly, careful not to pinch your skin.
he hears you sigh from relief, letting himself smile, knowing he did a good job.
he lets you lay back down, properly this time, slip off your dress, cleans your face with a warm wet face towel.
he knows he should go. he knows to let you get your rest and sleep. knows he should return remus’ car. knows the lads are probably waiting for him. but there is no urge to leave. instead he stares at your clean bare face, the soft lines and pretty marks on your face just adds more to your allure.
he didn’t know how long he stared at you. it could’ve been a minute to a full hour, too busy studying your face, seeing all the new marks and the familiar ones, committing them to memory.
he was about to leave, lest he bothers you and wake you up. but you stirred.
stretching as you did so. and blearily stared at him. expectant and quiet.
your voice hoarse but genuine all the same. “it’s late..” he knew what you mean. the unspoken invitation, just like last time.
and he wants to—god he wants to.
“i can’t baby,” you were drunk, he wasn’t. it wouldn’t be fair.
“you’re leaving again?”
that did him in, slumping down on the bed. rubbing your outer thigh through your covers. “i’ll stay then, just rest.”
“but you’ll just leave me like last time.” you mumbled.
he gives you a lopsided smile, apologetic and painfully endeared all the same, “i had to, my love, i had work.”
“no,” you breathed, softly shaking your head, letting out a staggering breath like you were going to cry. “i meant the first time.” you whispered.
it was shameful the way he slowly realized what you had meant. you didn’t sound angry or bitter. or even resentful even if you had all the rights to.
he didn’t respond. letting your words stew in his mind. the quiet in the entire house emphasized by the ringing in his ears. he didn’t know what to say.
what words you were waiting for him to say. what words he can say to make it all better.
he didn’t even know you still think about that. still thinking about your relationship, and what had happened, and why it ended the way it did.
still thinking about it like him, who sometimes find it difficult to sleep thinking about you and the pain he caused you. the regret heavy in his veins like lead.
he should apologize, probably beg or grovel about the way it ended.
he was about to.
but he hears your soft breathing again. the stillness in your body, only sleep can make that he realizes he’s lost his chance.
again.
he rubbed your thighs, still. hoping to lull you into a deeper sleep. he grabbed a glass of cold water and put a statis charm so it would stay cool. he petted your hair, and caressed your cheek. it was painful, and he struggled. but he eventually left. feeling the same amount of fulfilled and disappointment altogether.
it was the next morning where sirius was beckoned again, this time not by a call from his baby brother but by the usual pull of your magic. he had expected as much, even fixed up his hair and wore fresh clean clothes and even put on perfume.
he did it whenever he could. in case you were to need him.
he even has a couple of hungover potion in his pocket just in case.
when he got summoned, popping into your familiar bedroom like the nights and mornings before. he was greeted with you still buried under the covers, eyebrows scrunched and eyes already open. you looked like you’ve been awake for some time now, but still refused to move.
you looked so tired and groggy and so soft and warm and homely and pretty.
someone with a hungover shouldn’t look as good as you did. but you are. he ignores the flutters in his stomach, tightening into a coil and puts on an easy smile.
“good morning dizzy girl.” he sing songs. plopping down on your bed, making sure to bounce you a little as he did.
you groan some more, turning away from him, holding your head.
he softly laughs. reaching over to smooth out your hair, “did you drink water?”
“hn.”
he took that as a no.
“up you go, c’mon. drink, you’ll feel better.” he grabs the glass. still filled full and cool like last night.
sliding his rough hands under your neck and the other to your back. slowly sitting you up so you can drink. you give little to no protest at all at his touch and considers this a win. his lips feeling a little wobbly as he fights a smile.
you took a small sip and then a larger gulp, sighing after finishing the whole glass.
“i also have a hangover potion and a headache one that lily made, so you know it’s good—“
“you left again.” you rasped, a small frown on your pretty face, still turned away from him.
he stops.
it suddenly dawns on him how you’ve yet to look at him, or greet him like you do when he always appears. he chalked it up to you being hungover or the highly probable headache you must have. not sulking, or possible moping over the fact that he hadn’t waited for you until morning.
he feels his heart take up larger room than normal in his chest. the loud thrumming under his veins as his magic comes to life, the burning desire of it all, the ringing in his ears, his pulse loud and the heat coming to his face.
you weren’t playing fair.
“i’m sorry,” he whispers, scooting near you. reaching out to wrap his arms around your shoulders, then lightly tugging you to him, to lean on him like you did the night before. it was through his absolute delight that you let him.
giving him the courage to continue his ministrations.
“you said you’d stay.” you softly whined, voice muffled by his neck. your hands gripping his shirt.
so unfair.
he’s fully hugging you now. he tries to fight the sigh that threatens to come out of his mouth from having you in his arms again.
he hadn’t expected for you to remember last night, what with constantly falling asleep. he should’ve prepared for it though.
“i’m sorry.” he repeats. this more graver than the last. this apology carrying more weight and more reason, when he remembers your last question.
“you always leave.” he feels something wet touch his neck. his hearts clench, the image of your tears too clear for him. “always leaving me.”
he tries to lean back to get a good look on you but once you felt him move away, you tightened your grip. now wrapping your own arms around his waist. sirius doesn’t know how to feel. suddenly wrapped in your warmness and the familiar feeling and the guilt that you’re crying over him.
again.
causing you pain, again.
“i know, i’m sorry.” he hates that it’s all he can say. hates he can’t say anything else.
so you ask, “why?”
why?
he knows what you’re asking isn’t about why he’s sorry for leaving. he knows you’re asking something else. one withheld from you from the very beginning.
why do keep calling me nicknames?
why do keep touching me?
why do i feel this way?
why can’t you stay?
why did you leave?
why didn’t you love me back?
there’s a lot of answers he’s withheld from you but he starts from the one heavy on his mind.
he suddenly wonders if you’ve been left wondering too.
if it keeps you up at night, and having no one to answer it. if it eats you up and if you regret being with him, the same way he regrets ever leaving you.
“i didn’t think that— you would want me to stay, after what i did. i didn’t dare myself to even think you could still want me— or even be around my presence at all.” he says this quiet and so close to your ear.
you let him go now, leaning against the bed post instead.
sirius instantly wishing for you to come back into his arms again, but he refrains.
“you thought i didn’t want you?”
“who would?” he laughs, albeit a bit self-deprecating but hoping you’ll take it as a joke. you only frown. “sirius, of course i would still want you. you’re the best thing that happened to me.” your eyes looked so clear then, so sure.
so sure it burns him.
“but i hurt you. i caused you pain, i’ve disappointed you again and again—“
“you didn’t disappoint me.” you grab his hands, your touch still so soft like he remembers it. “i was hurt, yes, but that wasn’t your fault. it was my own fault for giving you more than what you were comfortable with.”
he shook his head, frowning hard. “don’t do that.”
“what?”
“be understanding,” he laughs, incredulous. “taking responsibility for me being a shitty boyfriend to you for being a complete arse to you.”
“you did what you could. what with everything you went through?”
he turns away, but you grab his face with your other hand, and tilts his chin up.
“all the things you’ve had to endure? i know you try to hide your struggles with it all. but i see you. i see all the things, all the extra steps you have to take to become better than what your parents set you out for. and now look at you, making it out on your own. making new friends, no trace of the anger and bitterness they tried so hard to embed in you. i loved you for it all, and i understood why you couldn’t, even if it hurt. because that’s how people love. you love someone even if they have all the capabilities to hurt you more than anything in the world— and i have loved you for so long. and i might’ve not understood this when we were younger, but i do now. i wasn’t asking for apologies because i’ve long forgiven you for everything in the past. but i wanted to know what it is you felt. why you felt the need to hide the reasons from me.”
he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
you let his face go. but he grabs it. incasing your hand in his.
mind sticking to one thing he feared.
loved?
has he lost his chance again?
have you deemed him unnecessary?
“you don’t—?” he sighs, stopping himself, that wasn’t important right now. especially not if you were looking at him, looking so patient.
he started slow, contemplative if he can articulate it well enough for you to understand. “i didn’t think i could ever be capable of love, or be anyone you could ever want and need. because you’re amazing. when you said you loved me for the first time, i thought i was dooming you. my family. my circumstances. i thought i was going to ruin you and i couldn’t live with the thought of doing that to you. so i thought that leaving would be for the best. i tried to leave. tried and convinced myself it was for you. that i had to let you go for you. but i couldn’t do it. selfish as it is, i couldn’t let you go.
“i even found a way to stop the bind, but thinking that my last connection with you would be gone, and you would forget about me—have a life without me there, i couldn’t. because, because i love you. i have loved you from the moment you smiled at me. it terrified me, how much i love you and how much i was willing to do anything for you. i love you more than i could ever understand and i’m sorry if i couldn’t say it that time, i’m sorry if this is a bit late, but i love being needed by you. i love being around you. i-i need you, more than you could ever need me.”
he didn’t notice the tears spilling to his cheeks before you wiped it away for him.
your eyes looking so soft.
“you love me?” you breathed.
as if it was unbelievable.
as if it wasn’t possible.
sirius hates himself a little more at the thought he might have caused some insecurity for you.
because it was ridiculous.
“i love you.” and like a broken record, he repeats it. again and again and again. much firmer than the last.
and you smile, so big and beautiful. and your eyes shining and so pretty. it was like the sun was shining so much brighter that day. like the clouds were opening up in the sky and bathing you in a golden glow.
he repeats it again, because he’s spent so many years holding himself back. and if your reaction is the same every time he says it then he’ll say it everyday. with every sentence, with every greeting, with every meal you cook for him. with every night he picks you up from a pub absolutely sloshed. with every irritating conversation he has with his baby brother. with every teasing quips from the lads. with every secret smile you give him. every time he touches you, every time he looks at you. because gods, don’t you look absolutely magnificent and unbelievable right now.
“i love you,” he repeats.
“i love you too.” you laugh. like your smile was getting too wide and too happy that you had to laugh.
and his heart soars. couldn’t stop himself even if he tried, as he leans in and captures your lips like he’s done so many times before.
thinking himself a proper idiot if he ever thought he could ever live without touching your lips ever again.
he touches your face like he did the night before. he grabs your waist like he always does. and he tilts your heads like a time before. he tastes a salty thing as your tears slides near his lips and he relishes in its taste.
he feels the warmth spreading to his entire face and body. feels the humming of his magic intertwining with yours. your soft mouth moving against him. and the stretch of your lips, smiling into the kiss.
he pulls away even if he didn’t want to.
“i love you,” he says again, and you smile at him so sweetly.
he repeats it because of your pretty smile.
and again. because he can.
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