marriageregistration2020

[drowninmywords]

Nature vs nurture

I left

I never thought I would, but I did

That room screams depression and anxiety

Negativity fills it

Dark clouds consume it

Even if it’s sunny outside

In a house full of chaos, it gets hard to see the light

My days have never been brighter since I left

I actually feel happy

I am actually at peace

I feel in control

I can breathe

[geekgirlgang80-blog]

Tagged by @drowninmywords, here is my #justlikethat #challenge __________________________________________________________________ #poem #poetry #writing #poemoftheday #instapoet #poetsofinstagram #geekgirlgangpoetry #writing #internetpoetry #wordswithqueens #poetryisnotdead #spilledink #creativewriting #poetic #wordsmith #wordplay #poetess #womenwhowrite #writer #musings #spilledwords #powerfulquotes #creativecouterie

[drowninmywords]

Growth

I used to hate myself.

I used to pour my entire being on to everyone else, to heal them.

But then my epiphany came and the little girl in my brain was tired of crying herself to sleep waiting for me to rescue her.

I stopped ignoring her, and started working on me, healing myself, trying to better myself each day I get to breathe.

Some may say I’m now selfish.

That I’m way too assertive.

I’m just no longer moving mountains for others when I don’t even create bridges for myself.

How can I help others without helping myself?

These empty hands are each day getting filled with appreciation towards myself.

Although I slip through the cracks sometimes...

I’m learning each day of different methods on how to have my back. ❤️

[drowninmywords]

Daydream

I daydream about a romantic evening with the man I love

He proposes to me in a very private way

I stare at my left hand, loving the ring he gave me

I am about to finish my masters

It’s Christmas eve and my family and his are together

It turns 12:00am and I come over to him with a bow over my belly

He looks into my eyes and I tell him Merry Christmas

He’s confused, and I finally say the words

I’m pregnant

He picks me up and we both start crying

Our families are cheering

I’m just in bliss

Finally feeling like I’ve made it

With my hands soon about to be holding another diploma and a baby

As the love of my life extends his arms and holds me and everything is in place

I come back from my daydream and I’m faced with reality

Loneliness is killing me

I want to experience being kissed all over my body

I want to be held as I fall asleep in someone’s arms

I want to go on dinner dates

I want someone to talk to about my day every day

I want love

The love I deserve

The love I’ve never had and I’m not sure if I ever will

But it still feels nice to daydream about it every once in a while

[drowninmywords]

Where did I go wrong?

Being in your house is torture

As I sit in your couch I am reminded of when you had me in all fours

Looking at your living room and seeing remnants of her everywhere kills my soul

The fact you have two cats in your house when you dislike them

How there is flowers on the table where there never has been any before

How you have a purple mirror

All small things that comes to the realization that you gave her everything I wanted

It was supposed to be me never her

How can you hint to me that I will get the cookie from the cookie jar but you end up giving me crumbs?

Where the fuck did I go wrong?

Fucking tell me

Because it still kills me

I still think about it

It still hurts me

I still love you

I still want you

I still think about those supermarket runs we did that we enjoyed so much

You go ahead and tell me you can’t enjoy those with her

All these fucking restrictions you have with her

All I gave you was freedom, how was I wrong?

PLEASE TELL ME WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

What did I do?

To deserve the outcome of not having you

[drowninmywords]

I don’t know if I can be your friend

You’re a reminder of what could have been

You’re a reminder of how stupid I can be

You reach out for my hand and as I’m about to hold yours, you slip away and still manage to stay balanced because you’re holding hers

Again I am left empty handed

I walk away not even putting up a fight because as long as you don’t hit the ground I’ll be alright

It hurts to watch the person you love, love someone else

Especially when they love them, the way you wanted to be felt

I don’t know if I can do this anymore

Some days are harder than others

When I’m with you I’m just happy

But even in euphoria, negative feelings surface

I’m reminded time to time again that you didn’t choose me

You don’t love me

You are just “my friend”

You are just my friend

You are just my friend...

Maybe if I repeat it to myself enough

My brain will finally get through to my heart

[drowninmywords]

People can’t fathom to face themselves

They “overcome” their issues with

A cigarette

A blunt

A pill

A drink

Even if the price is seconds, minutes, hours of their lives

Using a substance to numb the pain doesn’t make it go away

It will NEVER go away!!!!!

You must LEARN to cope with it

Reality is inevitable

We must remain in this dimension

[drowninmywords]

Tick Tock

We always need a prize for what we do

Something to validate what we’ve done  

We’ve been conditioned this way

School wouldn’t mean a thing without a certificate

A relationship feels worthless without marriage

All social constructs

If only we chose to focus on the now

With no goal to meet

Because the prize would be each day we get to breathe

I wonder how different would the world be?

We praise money

As we waste our time

Our most valuable possession

That we can’t call ours

We can’t hold it

We can’t stop it

Go back or change it

Yet each second, we waste is one we will never get back

Yet we treat it like nothing

Like if tomorrow is guaranteed

People are oblivious to reality

Stop letting society decide how much time must pass for it to be worth something

When your clock decides to stop ticking and tocking

It would be too late

Only during the time of desperation

Will you value life’s most precious gift

[drowninmywords]

The girl who always laughs

The girl who always laughs

who always smiles

always positive

is the kindest

suffers alone

she's in so much pain

that internally she's numb

I sometimes wonder if her bad memory is a form of self-defense

if she was to remember everything, 

perhaps she would have already been dead

You see as a kid she would always play pretend

Wishing for the day's to go as fast as they can

In her own little world, she always was and still is

Because no one understood her

She didn't know how to act or be

She would observe and try to blend in

But would always fail

She was always different

constantly adjusting to change

in silence, she went through storms

in her mind

in her home

at school

in her dreams

in her life

her reality was always chaos

but at school, she had to act cool

she needed friends, someone to interact with

if she was always crying she wouldn't have accomplished her goal

but even at home her guardian wouldn't let her express herself

she was forced to always deal with it on her own

in silence

so she chose to always wear a mask

always laugh

always smile

stay kind

and go through her pain alone...

[drowninmywords]

Band aid

Dear Ex

Today my mind went wandering to the day you and I started our relationship

A day I will never forget

Masked by “happiness” when you asked me to be your girl

Maybe that helped with the denial process

Others reading won’t understand

But you know what I mean perfectly

What were we thinking?

We were destined to fail

It’s no surprise we did

Who in their right mind will start a relationship on such a day?

We did

We thought that by lasting one more year together somehow it justified everything

At least for me subconsciously it did

It was a temporary band-aid

It was “worth” it in the end and we will make up for it by being together forever and having a family of our own

We would look back and understand it all so well because we made it to the “finish line”

That band-aid temporarily gave me an illusion of a “cured” wound by slowly creating another one

I’m sorry this post isn’t a happy positive one

I’m not here to make our relationship seem like a happy one in this post

In this post, I want to let out my frustration, my hurt, all the damage done that now it’s too late to fix

I don’t mean fix as in you and I getting back together

More as in me forgiving myself, forgiving you, forgiving period

Healing from all these repressed memories that keep appearing

I stayed with you for five years of my life

More like six, although we didn’t officially make it to five years together according to our date

It took tragedy for you to consider me as “the one”

I had to lose a part of me I WILL NEVER GET BACK

In order to gain you

How fucking sad is that?

Am I really that bad to be with, that it takes for me to put up with disaster and chaos for someone to consider me?

Perhaps that’s why it didn’t work with the guy I fell in love with after you

I wanted to show him so bad how much disorder I could take that it scared him away

I wanted to show him that I didn’t need structure to prevail

Now he’s with someone that demands structure

The Irony

You made me think that men needed a woman who will put up with all their shit as long as they got them

As if I must fucking cut myself to pieces to make the man I love whole

How fucking pathetic of me

Why did it take all of that pain for you to be once mine?

That thought alone fathoms me and it’s toxic

We were toxic

You always said it

I never listened

I wanted us to work so bad

To make up for that big void

I loved you so much

I gave you my best years, from 19-24

Right now, I feel resentful

Right now, I wish I could go back and never accept your myspace request

How different would my life had been?

I wish there was an alternative universe where you and I wouldn’t have existed

Because our outcomes are just loss

I gave all of myself to you for you to be a better man

I’m pretty sure when you lost me it taught you a lesson on how to treat women

Your next girlfriend will get the best version of you

While I got the toxic boy, who got away with murder and I am to blame for

I will be here…. with a ripped band-aid and a wound that refuses to close

[drowninmywords]

Serpent

I’ve been condemned for falling into temptation

From the moment I was born, according to my religion, I was born with original sin

Caused by Eve, the first woman, made from Adam’s rib

Who couldn’t resist eating the apple from the forbidden tree

She was persuaded from the Serpent of how wise she would be

If she took a piece

God had forbidden it

But the option was there

How could she resist it?

My mistake almost mirrors hers

Every time I choose to bite your skin

Not sure if you’re the apple or the serpent

All I know is you get sweeter and sweeter every time my teeth sink in

When I savor you with my lips, my tongue dances

It doesn’t care about the repercussions

I guess I’m no different from mother

Why blame me?

I’m just her child

I know Ignorance is Bliss

I feel my innocence leave more and more with each lick

I can’t stop now…

You’re the epitome of my evolution on social constructs when it came to love

After I took a bite of your apple

You moved on to the next daughter of eve

Leaving me empty in a garden full of seeds

My heart couldn’t bear to not water them

You came back and told me you needed to spread the knowledge

By then the seeds had grown into another harvest of apples

You took a bite and praised me for their taste

You helped me pick them up

You took a bag and filled it

I was confused

“You just came back, and now you’re leaving?”

You kissed me passionately and told me

“You see what we have accomplished? We have a garden of sweet apples. You and I won’t be able to eat them all. They will go bad unless we share them.”

That’s when I knew how much of a fool I was

You just wanted someone to nourish your garden

Allow you to take as many apples as you pleased

So, you can recruit more Eve’s

You are the serpent

You choose which poison to insert into the apple

Because all the daughters are not identical to the mother

Why did you decide to give me all your poisons?

Why didn’t I die of an overdose?

What is my purpose?

I thought you were Adam

[drowninmywords]

Dear Jessica

I think about you all the time

I try to put you in the back burner

Every day I wake up I feel your pain

It's like if time hasn't passed

Nothing has changed

I can stare at nothing and remember it all so vividly

I see, hear, all your attempts of being creative and your guardians not caring

Your mind and imagination so vivd

Slowly going to waste...

Because no one sees it, appreciate's it, norture's it

With every scream, abuse, going into your subconscious

Causing you to repress everything

Trying to remain a kid

While reality hits you in the face every day

I can see your grandma taking away all of your toys and gaming consoles

Forced to watch the same tv shows your guardians were watching

Exposing things you shouldn't see

While you're already going through things you shouldn't be

Crying for help but no one hears

Supervised visits with your parents

Damn girl how do you deal?

I'm sorry you had to go through this

I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you

I didn't exist yet

You were such an amazing kid

Sorry it went unnoticed 

Sorry you are not the person you were supposed to be today because of all of this

At least you're an amazing human

Does that make you feel better in anyway?

You get taken of advantage of often but you still remain the same

Your growth has been amazing

You should give yourself more credit

I love you

Sorry I hated you before

[drowninmywords]

Words left unsaid

I try to forget the times our hands would touch

I could feel you controlling your urge to grab mine

So we could walk the streets holding hands

Or when I would catch you from the corner of my eye staring at me

The times you wanted to say something but you wouldn't dare to

But your eyes always had the answers....

To everyone, we would say we are just friends

But everyone could feel that it was otherwise

Even when you were careful in public to not show our love

It was always there in the air

Present

Unapologetic

Real

Magical

Majestic

You can't deny it

[drowninmywords]

Just leave me within the trees, for my soul will be at peace.

Drowninmywords

[drowninmywords]

The recipe

I am so desperate for your love

That I gladly lick the crumbs you leave at the table

After you’ve had your meal

Whether it is clams with zucchini noodles

Or a cheap fast food order

I gladly accept whatever free time you can give

While I fail to realize you don’t free your time for me

Your schedule never revolves around me

I on the other hand maneuver around yours

I’m so eager to show you my ability to handle all of this

I get you, baby

I don’t want to change you baby

Let me show you, baby

I understand there will be days you won’t come home

You won’t taste my dinner

Because you’ve already ate

Today it might be soul food

Tomorrow Haitian

Yesterday it was Italian

Yet I’m still here with my dinner warm and ready

As others are starving and dying to have a piece

But I focus on you coming home eventually

Stupid me

I give you my tres leches

While you give me the recipe for your cake

Always making sure to leave out key ingredients

Now is it to keep me going back?

Or because I’m not “worthy” of it?

The worst of it is that even those who you’ve “given” the recipe to

always seem to wonder why their cake doesn’t taste like yours…

You never give them the secret ingredients

Stupid us

You’ll never give anyone the full recipe

[drowninmywords]

Dear Ex

I know your heart still aches

You thought I would never leave

But I did

I haven't looked back ever since

For me, it has been liberating

For you, it's been misery

Misery loves company except I don't want any of it

I gave you my best years

I gave you all of me

You chose to take advantage of it

You never appreciated me until I decided to leave

Now it's your loss and my gain

I found myself & I'm never letting go