#excessive coffee

[phantomphangphucker]

Phic Phight - One Sip And You’ll Understand, The Power That’s In Your Hands

For: @datawyrms @haloburns @shadowfaerieammy

So Danny has to deal with Pariah, right? And obliviously anyone would assume, especially the other ghosts, that Danny’s combative ass would ‘deal with’ Pariah by trying to beat his ass. Fair. Except here’s the thing, Pariah doesn’t know what coffee is, and Danny takes far more issues with that than the guy being a violent dick. Meaning, Pariah’s gonna learn that fools are worth their weight in liquid gold (coffee).

:Chap. 1:

Maybe You And I Can Make A Deal

“It was many years ago. Before you. Before me. Before most of us. His name was Pariah Dark. And he ruled the Ghost Zone. He was a ghost of such power and magnitude, only he could control the entities contained within the Crown of Fire and the Ring of Rage. When wearing both, he could do anything. Until a group of powerful ancient ghosts banded together in a last-ditch effort to defeat the King. By locking him within the Sarcophagus of Forever Sleep”, Skulker frowning deeply, ���or so we thought”.

Ember grimacing, “he’s only been freed for a day and he's already destroyed our homes”.

Danny blinks, “alright, okay, so this guy is a big bad”, putting his hands together and gesturing at nothing, “but like, has anyone ever tried, say, just talking to the guy?”.

Ember goes a little bug-eyed at him, “are you insane? That tyrant has spent eons terrorizing and mass slaughtering ghosts! Why would anyone sit him down for a ‘nice friendly chitchat’, dipstick”.

The Box Ghost nodding to himself strongly, “no wonder you do not FEAR my AWESOME MIGHT, for you must FEAR nothing to suggest THAT!”. An animal ghost lobs a gooey… something at the shouty ghost.

Danny humming, “so that’s a no then?”.

Skulker throwing up his hands, “I give up”; Ember giving him a comforting arm pat while everyone just shakes their heads disappointedly at Danny.

Danny smacking a fist in his palm, “I’m going to take him to get coffee, and he will vent caffeinated”; everyone was nicer over coffee right? Right. Who wouldn’t be? Danny nodding to himself, “and if it turns out he doesn’t like coffee then that’ll confirm that he is, indeed, a truly deplorable monster”.

The LunchLady crosses her arms at him, “I WILL be restocking your fridge with pound cakes again to flush out all that caffeine. Your diet is UNACCEPTABLE”, snarling a little, “you SHALL NOT taint our KING with your ways!”.

Skulker pointing at her aggressively, “oh let him! Who cares if that psycho has some kind of caffeine overdose! We want him gone or comatose anyways!”.

Kitty and Johnny share a look before simply giving Danny thumbs up. Kitty smirking, “go get ‘em tiger”.

Danny sputtering and stepping back a bit, that is so not where he was going with this! “This is not a freaking date!”.

Johnny snorting, rolling his eyes, “I’d hope not, kid. Pariah’s old as ass”.

“Good!”.

“Good”.

Danny huffing and crossing his arms with a pout, “soooo, who’s gonna help me?”. Damn near everyone just starts throwing things at him till they successfully get him to turn tail and flee from the onslaught.

Okay. So. Danny’s on his own with this. That’s fine. It’s cool. He’s got this. Everyone else thinks he’s being stupid and reckless but what does he care? It’s a good idea! Sure the ‘just talk it out’ plan has never worked, or at least never worked the first time, but still! All he has to do now is find a way to set this shit up! Should be easy enough.

You know…

If you ignore the fact that they’re trapped in another dimension and the closest he’s gotten to this ghost king outside of a fight is a giant floating face in the sky ominously shouting about their doom.

But hey! There’s that FrightKnight guy and that dude totally clearly serves this Pariah guy; be kinda weird if that wasn’t the case. But there’s the other issue, he doesn’t really know how to get in touch with tall, dark, and fearsome either. Sure Danny’s managed to summon him before, but that was back when the guy was sealed away and when Danny had direct access to the guys -very badass- sword.

Maybe Sam would know? Sure she’s likely helping with the whole ‘everyone in town is terrified’ thing but eh. Pacing in a little circle and watching the dome covered sky, “Sam, hey, so, look-”.

“Oh zone, what dumb idea did you come up with now? It better not be some self sacrificial bullshit”.

Danny chuckles very awkwardly, that was kinda plan b, “nooooo”, clearing his throat, he can absolutely feel her judgement through the phone and it’s absolutely making him sweat a little, “so you know how we summoned that Fear Knight guy-”.

“You mean how you summon the FrightKnight”.

“Haha yeah. So, think we, or I, could do that again?”.

“Danny doesn’t that guy serve this ghost king guy directly? How does that help anything!”, Sam sighing, “but I’ll check my books, I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of Halloween chant that summons him”.

“Cool cool”.

“Daaannnnyyy…. Why do you want to summon him?”

Danny rubs his neck, you know what? This plan was sounding a little dumb now. Oof. But in it to win it, am I right? “Because he serves this Pariah guy I thought that, maybe, I could get him to deliver a message to his royal highness, so I could invite the guy out for coffee and maybe actually talk things over for once”, rolling his wrist around, “you know, win with wit and words instead of fisticuffs?”

“Congrats, that’s stupid. But… I’m almost positive if anyone or even everyone does try to actually fight him it’ll just end in pain. And the only kind of a pain I like, is the kind that comes from tattooing”.

“Awww, you don’t like getting bodily thrown into walls?”.

“No, Danny, that’s your thing and- hey! Found it! I was right too!”.

Danny fist pumps a little, “nice”, okay okay so Danny is not totally boned here! He’s got something to work with! It’s not much and it’s not great, pretty awful actually, but it’s a thing!

“At least it’s you doing this and not Tucker, because you gotta sing-”. Danny absolutely cringes over that. “-so sing this in a spooky operatic tone, it doesn’t say anyone needs to hear you so count your lucky stars there. Here you go-”. Danny nods along, noting the whole thing dutifully.

Sam says he doesn’t need an audience, but well, Danny never been one to half ass shit and he’s a dramatic mother fucker. Belting out a song from atop the Observatory sounds like a kick ass idea. Besides! Fear guy seems really dramatic and might enjoy said dramatics enough to humour Danny and his shit long enough for Danny to avoid getting stabbed.

So Danny floats his sorry self on top of the Observatory, looking out and nodding to himself in satisfaction. Taking a deep breath and…

“O shadows of the darkened night!

Whisper through the blackened, curs-ed light!

From depths unknown, from lands untamed!

I call thee forth, the fiendish, the dire, the flamed!

From the void! from the void!

Come, O fear, from that deathly abyss!

O unutterable terror, dread minacious!

With trembling breath, thy come pugnacious!

With eyes unseen and hands that freeze!

I summon thee, from haunted seas!

Greet this soul, embrace this mind!

Whisk away the peace any dare find!

Through endless night, through choking flame!

Fear, I speak thee by thy name!

FrightKnight! Dark’s Herold and Fears Blight!

Fear, arise! Fear, descend!

Wrap thy steeds wings around the end!

Shadowed whispers, shrouded skies!

Manifest before mine eyes!

Breathe upon the hope that break!

With every thunder clap thou make!

O ethereal form, O endless night!

Come forth and weave the endless fright!

Thy presence calls the heart to cease!

Unveil thyself, O ancient beast!

With trembling hands and hollow breath!

FrightKnight I summon thee, the herald of death!

From the dark, I call thee near!

Come to me, O personified Fear!

Twist all thought, break all will!

Summon the terror, render hope nil!

Danny’s chest heaves, leaving only the echoes of a whispering ghostly choir, “fear… fear… fear…”.

Whelp…

That was fucking ominous.

And a few seconds later, with wind whipping wildly. “TO A RIGHT OF FEAR, I BEND MINE EAR! ATOP A FRIGHTFUL STEER, NIGHTMARE’S HOOVES DRAW NEAR! THOU HATH SUMMONED NOT CHEER, HORRIFYING WAILS SHALL ONLY HEAR!”. And with a thunderous lightning crack and thunder boom, The FrightKnight lands his steed atop the observatory, and Danny thinks he might have done cocked up just a weep bit.

Danny blinks owlishly and gives a little slightly awkward wave.

The FrughtKnight furrows his eyebrows, “you again, foolish half child”, dismounting off of Nightmare in a single swift and graceful motion, “your… call was respectable this time”, crossing his arms down at Danny, “so speak your peace, though thou must know I shall not dein to request his lordship cease his mighty reign”.

Danny rubs his neck, whelp, what the heck why not? “Honestly man? I just wanted to see if the guy would be down to get coffee and, I don’t know, maybe explain why he’s even doing this? Cause yeah, I’m lost and coffee slaps”, shrugging, “and if I’m gonna bend the knee to his power, or whatever, might as well do it with a bone buzz going”.

The FrightKnight stares at him, possibly baffled, it’s kinda hard to tell. Before huffing an almost laugh, “perhaps, at the least, your peculiarity will provide entertainment”, possibly smirking, “in the likeness of a court jester”.

Danny putting a hand to his chest, feigning offence, “hey I will have you know I am thee most entertaining of fools. I get punched for my mouth all the time”.

And… and The FrightKnight actually laughs a little. Well damn, this might actually mildly work. The FrightKnight turning away, “I shall return here, I suggest you not make me wait”.

Danny blinking as the guy rides off on his alicorn, “so I’m just supposed to stay here and twiddle my thumbs then? Yeah fuck too buddy”. Groaning with his entire body before just laying down on observatory, hands behind his head, he’d star gaze and trace the constellations except they’re in the ghost zone and there’s a goddamn glowing dome over the town, so he can see precisely sweet dick all!

Ugh.

Shit. Danny hasn’t even figured out where to go for coffee. Obviously not the Nasty Burger, he might love the place but it’s coffee kinda… sucked? and the big guy might take offence to being taken to a place that’s name starts with ‘Nasty’. Not Dalvbucks, for obvious reasons; Denny refuses to step a single foot in that place on principle. S&M? Their coffee was… okay but a bit sweet and Pariah goddamn Dark doesn’t seem like a sweets kinda guy. What about Remedy then? After all he was trying to remedy this situation? Oh he’s so funny.

Yeah Remedy it is.

Plus, if this goes to total utter shit then at least their espresso is basically molasses.

Then the FrightKnight just comes slamming down onto the top on the observatory, landing with one fist and one knee on the roof. Danny jumping and flailing in the air a little, “zone what the fuck man! Holy shit!”.

The FrightKnight swings to stand up full with heavy dramatic flair, “his highness demands your presence, your request has peaked his interest. For he knows not this ‘coffee’ you speak of, and desires to know what consumable you hold so dear that a small one such as you would choose to partake of it before their demise”.

Holy…. SUPER CRAP THAT ACTUALLY WORKED????? Wait did… did this fearsome fuck really just say that Pariah DOESN’T KNOW WHAT COFFEE IS???!?!?! How! What does Danny even do with that?!? Danny blinks really harshly, shaking his head out violently, “he’s… never had coffee?!?” Danny gestures at the ground, “how!?! Why!?!”, jerking up and pointing a finger in The FrightKnight’s face, “unacceptable!”.

The FrightKnight just stares, dumbfounded at Danny as he begins pacing, “I honestly can’t even begin to wrap my head around the fact that there are people out there, living, breathing, existing, dead, who somehow don’t know what coffee is. Coffee! C O F F E E! Kaa-fee! The lifeblood of humanity, our crowning achievement of creation! The nectar of the gods! The magic elixir that keeps us from descending into chaos before seven a.m or after it for that matter!”, Danny pausing and staring into the distance in horror, “oh my zone, is this a ghost thing? do ghosts not have coffee? Should I force Vlad to open one of his coffee shops in the zone? Hell! Why hasn’t he already done that! The audacity! The cruelty! The inhumanity!”, pausing and huffing before throwing his hands out to the side again, “but Pariah looks like an adult, how did he make it to adulthood without so much as a random sippy sip of that liquid gold? How did he even function? How did he make it that far in life, going through days without that warm comforting cup that screams, ‘Hey, I’m alive, and I’m ready to conquer the goddamn world’? Especially because world conquering kinda seems to be his thing, you know?

Cappuccino? Americano? Caffe macchiato? Cortado? A basic latte?”, pausing again to stare at The FrightKnight, “oh god, he doesn’t know about espresso”.

“This seems like an over reaction, his highness is waiting”.

No! No! How darn this tit not get the gravity of this situation! Danny sputtering, “but how couldn’t I over react? You’re telling me this guy has never heard of the thing that keeps, like, ninety percent of this planet from crashing face-first into their walls and floors on literally every random ass day? The magical drink that fuels everything from global economies to late-night tv binges? What? Did all he have was water from a stream by some barren-ass cave?”, Danny holding up a hand and waving it back and forth, “wait no, even an idiot would probably still find a way to brew coffee using, like, a pot and some fire or some shit”, dropping his hand and glaring at the ghost, “so, tell me, how? HOW has he avoided this fundamental part of existence? For the love of every barely functioning soul out there, I am getting that man a cup. Then he can watch the magic unfold as that tiny shot of espresso kicks in and everything becomes BEES!”.

The FrightKnight stares at him for a beat before just grabbing Danny by the scruff like a kitten and picking him up, “I shall not entertain this foolish ranting any further, if you have grievances, take them up with his highness”.

“You dishonour him by never bringing him coffee”.

“I do no such thing”.

“So you do bring him coffee and are just a liar”, Danny glances up and down the guy, still being held up in the air by his jumpsuit collar, “I mean I guess your pants are kinda on fire?”. The FrightKnight gives him a look that can only be described as violently murderous due to extreme disgust -repulsion induced murderous intent?- before just flying off with Danny hanging limp from his hand.

The FrightKnight all but tosses Danny in a heap at the foot of the throne, the rug leading up to it is ragged like whoever couldn’t be bothered to spend the effort or energy to fix it. Danny pushing himself up to sit on his heels, the walls are dirty, things are ripped and cracked everywhere; honestly? It was giving exhausted engineering student bachelor pad, just… you know, castle sized. Actually looking at Pariah -fuck the guy is huge- and the throne doesn’t look a whole lot better, scratched to shit and missing whole ass chunks. Pariah has an elbow on one armrest and his chin in a palm, he looks bored honestly and very grumpy. But like, if Danny had never had coffee he’d be pretty damn fucking grumpy too thank you very much gosh.

Danny blinks from his spot on the floor, he’s still a bit miffed but maybe being mildly respectful would be a goodish idea. “Hi?”.

Pariah narrows his eyes and seems to almost sigh, “I was told of how you desired to provide me with a taste of your world I have yet to know-”.

Yeah said ‘maybe I should be respectful’ desire is getting tossed outta the damn window, because again WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THAT?!?! Danny leaning a little forward and pointing up at the guy, “yeah! That! That is so wildly unbelievable. How in the holy hell do you not know what coffee is? THEE drink of drinks!”.

Danny can absolutely feel that Fright guy just… staring at him. In shock? In amusement? In horror perhaps? Whatever. Fuck it.

Danny gesturing around, “the dark elixir that prevents us from becoming mindless zombies in a never-ending pit of despair and exhaustion? Are you a dead of some wild alien species that only consumes things in their most raw state, or some shit? ‘Cause how else do you not know what coffee is? Alien?”, Danny points at Pariah again before nodding confidently to himself, “alien”.

Pariah quirking an eyebrow at him before lifting his head from his palm, “I am not of alien descent, you fool”.

“Well then did you live in a cave raised by, I don’t know, Thylacines?”, gesturing some more and standing up aggressively, “you’re seriously telling me your giant ass woke up every morning like a regular living human, but instead of reaching for the sacred brew of all existence and life, you just stumble around like some kind of caffeine-less monster? Like I know all those other ghost were framing you to be some mass murder psycho monster, but I’d take that over the monster that is a being capable of being a fully awake and functioning caffeineless beast!”, pointing, “if you don't drink coffee, you're not living; you're just surviving”, pointedly glancing up and down Pariah’s form, “and, like dude, I'm not even sure you're doing that much. You look vaguely like shit, is that evil eyeliner I see or exhaustion induced eyebags?!? Who knows! Not I! Not you! Because you’ve never had coffee”, gesturing at random thins and spinning around a little, “and look at this place! Clearly either you don’t care, or you’re too tired to care. Look at that fucking wall! It’s got a hole shaped like a generic dick doodle and I betcha your not grounded in reality enough to have even commented on it!”, putting his hands on hips and turning back to Pariah, “pathetic. Not having coffee is pathetic”.

“I am not pathetic”.

Danny makes faces at the guy, leaning forwards, “bitch check yourself. This place, your broken ass clothes, the fact that you’ve been goddamn comatose for, like, evar, and you still maybe have eye-bags; just screams you need that hot cup of liquid motivation to scrape yourself up into productivity! It’s easy to have the energy to shit kick someone”, putting a hand to his chest and sticking his nose up in the air, “I would know”, looking down and pointing at Pariah again, “but getting the energy to read something you don’t wanna read or clean your damn floors because walking on clean floors just makes you feel better sometimes, now that shit takes real energy. Energy your shit ass clearly doesn’t have”, gesturing around, “case and fucking point”.

Pariah actually growls at him, Danny’s probably gonna get himself killed the rest of the way, “I hardly have interest in wasting time on tasks so far beneath me, that’s a role for worms like you”, Pariah grinning meanly, “far better you simply end”.

Danny snorts, crossing his arms, “a giant-shaped puddle of sleep deprivation, completely unaware that it’s committing some kind of unholy crime against its brain by denying itself the single most beautiful thing humans have ever crafted? Pah! You couldn’t wreck my over caffeinated ass for shit!”. Yeah way to go self, just start actively goading whats basically death god into a fist fight. Fucking brilliant ideal Danny! Whelp, too late, he’s done it now. “I’m a cracked up caffeine boss of wanton energy and these guns”, flexing stupidly, “and you’re just some lost little baby bitch soul in a sea of double-shot caramel lattes, venti vanilla bean macchiatos, and cold brew chaos; somehow missing all of them. Your aim must be absolute ass to miss all that coffee”, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically, “how can you even enjoy wrecking someone else’s shit if you’ve never even experienced the pure bliss of taking that first gulp of piping hot acid and getting gut punched with the feeling of being able to take on a machine gun wielding T-Rex, a tsunami, getting stuck in an elevator with someone you hate, and your entire email inbox that you’ve been ignoring for a month, all at once. You don’t meet the caffeine levels needed to end me, you oversized assclown!”.

Danny huffs a bit, vaguely outta breath but mostly just for the show of it. Pariah just… stares before looking to his Knight, Danny turning his head to follow suit. The FrightKnight has turned away, a hand over his face, head slightly tilted down, and one forearm against a pillar; is he just super disappointed in Danny’s entire existence or is he freaking laughing? How dare! Coffee is no joke!

Danny turning around fully and pointing violently at the ghost, “oh your pointy ass better not be one of those people who genuinely believes in that ‘hydration’ crap like some kinda lunatic. I will wreck your shit”, sticking his arms backwards at Pariah but still facing Teh FrightKnight, “how can you serve a planet wrecker, lair render, realm conquerer; and not be down with that empire-building, soul-empowering elixir! Ancient artifact passed down through the ages by the gods themselves!”.

Pariah… Pariah definitely laughs, and both Danny and The FrightKnight jerk around to eye him, “I am the only god any fools need”.

Danny blinks owlishly, putting on a mock old man mocking tone, “you don’t even know what coffee is, boy, the grown ups are talking”. The FrightKnight looks at him slowly, very slowly, “what… what is wrong with you? Have you no sense of self preservation, pathetic mortal?”.

“Honestly? No”, putting out his hands, “on the scale of things I care about between ‘coffee’ and ‘my life’ the ‘coffee’ side is getting weighed down hard enough to put a crater in the ground, and the ‘my life’ side gets flung up violently into the sun to be obliterate from of all of existence forever more. I stopped giving a damn about SeLf PrEsErVaTiOn a long time ago”, tilting his head, “probably around the time I discovered there wasn’t anything stronger than espresso, except just loading on more espresso”.

Then Pariah stands up -The FrightKnifhr kneeling immediately- and stalks over; glaring down at Danny who crosses his arms and glares right back up. “I have no need for your foolish ‘liquids’ to be a god, I am far beyond a god”.

Danny snorting, rolling his eyes, and moving to inspect his nails, “I don’t know, I think your jealousy looks good on me. I mean, I’m absolutely caffeinated and cranked up, that’s why I be vibin’”. The FrightKnight grabs his ankle and bodily slams him into the floor, making a little dent. “Dude my bone buzz does not need a bone break added in, Frighty”.

“Do not act on my accord when there is no need”.

“Apologies, your highness”, The FrightKnight swallows, “though he was, foolishly, insulting you”.

Pariah huffs, “as if such things bother me, weak fools always insult those they can not best”.

Danny chuckling from the floor, “bitch, I already bested you with my caffeine lubed blood stream. My blood and ecto high-fives my whole being, your shit ass ecto just slug-a-glugs on; uninspired, aimless, senseless”. Pariah moves to be basically stand over Danny, Danny nodding a little, “sup. You realized the greatness of coffee yet? Greatness that far surpasses your own?”; Danny is so totally gonna die and get ended here.

“You are tenacious, I will allow you that much”, huffing gruffly, “and, though, frustrating, you are interesting enough that I will deign to allow you your ending wish. I will try this ‘coffee’ of your, this ‘creation’ you hold up as your own god, and I shall conquer it till nothing remains but ash”, sneering, “you will end knowing a true god”.

“Cool beans, cocoa beans specifically”.

“I will know, and you will fail, if this is merely an attempt to poison me”.

“Ten bucks and a pound of pixie sticks that there actually legit is no poison that would work on you”, Danny pulls an arm out of the floor dent and points up at the guys face, “and I would never put this much effort into a damn attempted poisoning, poison is boring and can’t scratch that destructive itch”.

The FrightKnight looks back at Danny, “now you have the sense to compliment his greatness?”.

“Hey man, I get to introduce someone to coffee, I’m ridin’ high”.

Pariah leans down, grabbing Danny by the arm, and physically yanks him out of the ground before stomp over and chucking him aggressively out of the front doors, “return with your concoction, half flesh-bound fool”; and slams the door shut.

Danny just kinda floats for a bit. Well… he didn’t die die? Cool? Cool. Surprising! But cool. He is so totally getting coffee for that guy though. Danny ain’t no punk ass bitch. Never back down never give up! One problem… from where?!??!?

“What a peculiar creature”.

The FrightKnight nods slightly, standing respectfully behind his lordship, “indeed. In the time that I have been released I have heard a great many tales of his way with words and his… particular skill with verbally bashing all of his surroundings”, humming faintly, “some of the ghosts appear to pick fights with him for purely such a reason. He is… entertaining as much as he seems infuriating, to such a point as that infuriation is, in and of itself, amusing as well”.

Then off in the distance a shout can be heard “ HOW THE FUCK IS THERE NO DAMN COFFEE SHOPS IN THIS FUCKING REALM! VLAD! IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! HERE I THOUGHT I KNEW THE ENDS OF YOUR DEPRAVITY! BUT TO DEPRAVE THIS PLACE OF LIQUID ICHOR IS AN UNFORGIVABLE OFFENCE!”.

Pariah moves a hand back and smacks The FrightKnight over his helmet, “go aid that useless fool. Now”. The FrightKnight is off in a flash.

…

Pariah walks over to one of his windows after a beat, staring out at the endless lands and their greens and purples, “I wonder… does that boy speak true. An elixir that cures exhaustion, one that grants weary souls back their energy. A pulse that stirs the mortal realm”, humming thoughtfully, “perhaps a thing like that could grant me more than obliterating these lands can”.

The FrightKnight startles Danny, grabbing him by the scruff again, “you are akin to a needy mewling kit”, and growls a little.

Danny just points at the guys face, “you can make portals right! I!”, sighing dejectedly, “can not”, waving around a hand, “otherwise I woulda gotten my town outta this sitch and told the ghosts that live here to ‘deal with their shit’ already”, pointing again, “make me a portal, slave”.

The FrightKnight glares violently, “only because he orders me, not one such as you”, and makes a portal, aggressively throwing Danny’s sorry ass through it before walking through himself. Crossing his arms down at Danny, who landed face first ass up on a sidewalk, “now do as you’ve been ordered”.

Danny chuckles into the dirt, “yeah yeah”; is he still picking Remedy? Yeah, obviously. They have shops all over the place. Danny’s even more uninterested in getting it from DalvBucks now, because again, what the hell Vlad! He means really? You’d think the guy would, as a business man and billionaire, at least realize a complete massive hole in the market for some coffee shops. Vlad’s immoral ass should have thought of monopolizing that kind of obvious opportunity long before Danny did. Pushing himself up off the ground and transforming human again, “alright! Off we go to Remedy! For a remedy for ghost gods lack of caffeine!”, and starts marching off. The FrightKnight watching for a beat before sighing and following along; very clearly fed up with Danny’s shit.

“Halfa?”. Danny damn near jumps before looking at a door to the back of some building, there’s a blue? Or maybe purple? Ghost guy poking out of it, “what have you done!?!”, the ghost eyeing The FrightKnight faintly worried.

Danny puts a hand to his chest, “I am getting coffee”.

The ghost blinks owlishly, “the bane of the Infinite Realm has abducted your lair and you’re… getting coffee?”.

“Hey I don’t wanna get die-drated, you know. Livin’ la vida mocha before I get beaten black and brew”.

The ghost actually slides down the door and lays on the ground, “by the Ancients, everyone was right. You’re a nightmare”.

Danny putting his hands to his face and mock gasping, “oh my god I’m famous! That must mean everything is going to bean alright, because bad things never happen to famous people! Especially when I’m a latte to handle”.

“You peed in someone’s motorcycle tank”.

“Oh yeah that was great. Eight outta ten piss spot”.

The FrightKnight snarls, making the ghost jerk up with an ‘eep’ and partially hind away in the doorway again, “his highness has demanded this one bring him coffee due to his incessant bolstering and you shall not distract him further”; though The FrightKnight does actually eye Danny slightly respectfully.

The ghost shakes himself off a bit, clearly mustering up some courage and staring at Danny, “you freaking conned Pariah?!? Are you insane”.

Danny holds up a hand, “how dare you insult me so! I don’t joke about coffee! And think about it, put on your thinking cappuccino, the ends justify the beans. And what? you saying I made bad fucky whucky and now I’m gonna go sleep in the forever box?”, Danny tilting his head and tapping his chin, “maybe I’ll take Pariah’s coulda-been-if-Vlad-wasn’t-insane forever box?”. Annnnnd now The FrightKnight is dragging Danny off by his collar, again. This feels like it’s becoming a habit. (It did, in fact, become a habit; much to Danny’s amusement and The FrightKnight’s annoyance).

Danny pulling out his phone and google mapping his way to the nearest Remedy. The FrightKnight watching him, “do you not know where to go…”, and huffs disbelievingly. Danny holding up a finger but not looking away from his phone, “this ain’t Amity, sweet cakes, I don’t have every coffee shop on the planet memorized”.

“If his highness asked it of thee then thou should”.

“He can memorize this ass instead”.

The FrightKnight kicks him into a wall, which Danny peels himself off of unharmed and continues on.

…

Well at least they make it to a Remedy uninterrupted after that. Danny looking from his phone to the building and pointing at the sign, “it has appeared before us! A sign of the gods lands!”, turning to The FrightKnight, “now you, are we going back immediately after this?”.

“Obviously, fool. It is unwise to keep his highness waiting any more than he already has”, and with that The FrightKnight says nothing more as he turns invisible.

Danny nodding curtly, “good because coffee has optimal temperatures, you know”, and then just walks on in and up to the counter.

“Hello and welcome to Remedy, what can I make for you today? We have a special on Red Eye’s today”.

“Sure, two of those. And two double espressos; I’m from Amity don’t question it”. She visibly relaxes at that. “Two Americano Mistos and Two caramel lattes”. She blinks at him so he adds on, “promise I won’t die? Here’s my id”, Danny dutifully handing over said id.

She stares at it, turns her head towards the back, “Amity Parker!”.

Someone shouting back, “a teenager!?!”.

“Yeah!”.

“Oh god”.

Danny is just snickering to himself as the lady finishes writing his heart attack inducing order on paper and gets to work with her fellow employees. This was one of the nice things about all towns vaguely close to Amity Park, they all wound up hosting sport game things with the Casperhigh Ravens, meaning they all had to interact with Amity Parker’s.

One of the employees eyeing Danny, “what are you doing here anyway?”.

“Town got sucked into the void”.

“Right…”.

“I am the only who is free”.

“Okay then… I’m going to help them with the… insane amount of espresso that needs to be brewed now”.

That’s fair, Danny thinks, he did order, what, twelve? shots of espresso basically?

...

Yeah this is gonna take a while.

…

Like. A really long while.

Fuck.

He’s so totally just going to dick around on his phone for now. He can absolutely feel The FrightKnight’s invisible judgment.

:Chap. 2:

The Worlds Best Tasting ‘Wine’

Buy the time Danny gets his drinks he’s plows through a few levels of unpacking. Thankfully this place is great and knows what order to brew what shit in -and has many espresso machines because it knows its clientele base- and Danny’s got his drinks at optimal temperatures.

Meaning he’s now heading out to have coffee.

In a giant fuck off dilapidated castle.

With basically death god.

Pretty sure he did not sign up for this when he kicked the bucket.

But hey, coffee, with god, on a Sunday, that’s his fate now.

He’s not remotely surprised when The FrightKinight picks him up by the neck again, Danny pulling a face and trying to balance his trays, “don’t you dare spill the nectar! This stuff’s gonna be the start of a brew-tiful friendship”.

“Highly unlikely”.

“Oh you never know, Frighty, this stuff might just give his core the shit kicking it needs for him to not suck. Granted, this shit would straight kill the living if they drunk this much so… sucks to suck”, Danny snorting as The FrightKnights lifts his hand to make a portal, “imagine being alive enough to be killed by coffee? Pah! I could never”.

The FrightKnight sticking Danny through the portal and, actually gently, setting him down on his feet on the ground. Danny blinking up at the once again seated Pariah while The FrightKnight walks through his portal and closes it, walking towards Pariah and bowing, “we hath return, my liege”.

Danny blinks at The FrightKnight once before looking to Pariah, “heyya! Again”, lifting his trays, “behold thee ambrosial, gifted upon us by the earth itself. Its rich aroma rises like incense, filling the air with a promise of clarity and might. Each sip is a divine communion, a ritual that stirs the spirit and invigorates the weary soul. The dark, velvety liquid shall flow through us like a sacred nectar, bestowing upon us a true sense of purpose and vitality. In its depths, we shall find not only warmth but transcendence, as if we are partaking in the liquid of the philosophers stone itself. Come! Consume with me a drink so great you’d never wanna eat human flesh again”, Danny snorting and laughing a little, starting to walk over, “pardon my French roast ‘bout that last bit, it’s a song reference and I just had to do it ‘em”. Though… it does give him an idea…

The FrightKnight actually sighs as Pariah stands, the two following the massive ghost into a suitably massive dinning hall.

Danny tenderly putting the trays down and pulling out the respective cups. Danny nodding at everything when he’s done before rounding on Pariah, if this guy turns out to hate coffee then he’s gonna lose his shit… and probably also die die… especially with how much he’s hyped this stuff up. “So the tiny cups, the pure straight espresso is last because some people find it tastes like absolute ass by itself but ho boy is enough energy to fight the sun worth it”, pushing one of the caramel lattes at the guy. Danny taking his own and sipping happily while the larger ghost lifts up the cup -that looks comically tiny in his fingers- and eyes it curiously.

The man drinks.

The man… smiles. He likes it.

Danny has won.

Now time to get him absolutely fucked up on caffeine, because Danny? Yeah Danny’s tolerance is impressive. This guy might have been uncaffinated for years and comatose for more and built like a goddamn mountain, but Danny’s been slamming this shit back practically his whole life. Mom and dad even gave him the stuff as a toddler to ‘make sure he could out waddle those darn ghosties’.

Danny pushes the Americano Misto at the guy next, Danny pointing at The FrightKnight, “you! Fetch one of my friends to get more, he likes it and has so many centuries of coffee to make up for!”. The FrightKnight looks at him like he is insane but -and this is a big but- Pariah actually waves him off to do as Danny’s told him to. This Pariah guy might just make Danny go on a power trip.

Danny looking at Pariah as The FrightKnight flies off, “you're pretty ‘ight”.

“Do not push your luck, puny child”, Pariah takes another sip, “tell me, what is your name”.

Fuck that’s a good set up but no, nope, Danny’s holding out on bursting into song till this guy is well and truly FUCKED. “Phantom. Danny, Phantom”. It’s kinda funny because Danny can literally see the metaphorical life and light come back into the guys eyes, caffeine rejuvenating his very being in immeseaurable ways.

Danny watching Pariah take the Red Eye and sip it, blink harshly, but still go in for more. Nice. Very nice. Danny decides to power move on the guy and chugs his own Red Eye. Finally Danny gets that mild look of horror from Pariah mother fucking Dark. Ha. This is great. Danny lifting his empty cup up some, “coffee is not just some lowly simple drink, it is an invitation to step into the divine. When one sip it’s greatness, one partakes in an ancient ritual of renewal. The essence of the earth, mingled with the fire of our spirits, flowing through us. Each drop is a whisper of vitality, a reminder of the spark of existence that courses through our forms!”.

And then The FrightKnight gets back, with an obscene amount of coffee. Mostly espresso shots. Nice guys, nice. His two friends knew well when Danny was pulling a drinking competition out of his ass. Danny grabbing up the last of the drinks he bought, the little double espresso, and holds it up in a cheer, “coffee is a stacker, the more you drink, the more energy you get”; and pounds it back.

Pariah eyes his own tiny double espresso, “is that so”; he chugs the thing to and, maybe because he’s got this weird ‘I’m better and stronger than everyone’ thing he holds down his wince at the bitter taste.

Danny chuckles, grabbing another drink, “you look like a Viking kinda guy, yeah”, and fucking winks, downing the drink.

Pariah takes the goddamn bait. Not surprising since there’s no way he has never had alcohol… right? Yeah that’s gotta be right. Norse and Viking and shit. Wine or beer at least? Anyway, drinking competition is a go.

Danny drinking deeply, savouring every drop. While Pariah, wanting to prove his superiority, seemingly makes a point to match cup for cup; but Danny does not flinch, his eyes and form always steady and full of amusement.

Though… Pariah looks like he’s having fun too honestly. Maybe at this point Danny will manage to just befriend the damn guy instead?

But as the hours stretch on, The FrightKnight almost pitifully coming back with yet more espresso and lattes and Red Eye’s and so ons.

And…

Pariah has begun to slow, Danny can almost hear the guys core, surely his vision must be blurring just as his form was fizzing slightly, but still, the High Ghost King carries on, unwilling to admit his clear defeat.

Meanwhile Danny’s ass is still grinning, smile never fading, his skin and core not giving a single hint of jittering. He’d asked both The FrightKnight and Pariah himself to recount their stories and share their victories during all this shit, but at this point Pariah clearly can barely focus on his own words nonetheless the stories told.

Apparently the guy forced someone to eat their own fingers once? Ew and why honestly…

Danny watching the man’s fingers twitching spastically, out of his own control ever so slightly, as he eyes another cup almost with disgust.

“Your highness-”.

“Silence”.

Danny has to force himself not to grin evilly at The FrightKnight, since the frightening guy has clearly realized what was going on here; Pariah is way too buzzed to have noticed the same though. He doesn’t even try to keep the grin out of his voice though, “how ‘bout you get us another round, Frighty”.

The FrightKnight eyes actually genuinely widen in horror, even more so when Pariah waves him off, “sire, I must object-”.

“Go”.

The FrightKnight flinches and does as he’s told, the look his gives Danny is absolutely furious, Danny winks back like a jackass.

Danny, turning back to the table, downs another -he’s probably had at least sixty-seven espressos by now, he’s kinda impressed actually- before standing with a smirk. Pariah eyeing his cup and then Danny with disgust and caution, while Danny floats up over his shoulder, “you really thought you could out caffeine the guy who was practically singing its praises huh? Silly silly man”, floating over the other shoulder as the guys brows furrow, “prideful folks and their habit to fuck around and find out”, snickering and breaking out into song, Polyphemus from Epic The Musical was exceptionally fitting right now, “don’t you know that pain you sow is pain you reap?”, floating back to his other shoulder, “time to drink your blood over where you stand. Your life now is in my hand”, floating again to the other shoulder as Pariah struggles to stand, obviously now getting the, ahem, ‘danger’ he was in. “Before I'm done, you will learn that it's not so fun to take”. Danny easily and energetically zipping away from Pariah’s hand swipe, still hovering over the guys shoulder, “you came to my home to steal. But now you'll become my meal”. Pariah tries to lunge at him but his form won’t move right, then trying to summon a weapon to him but all it does it shake. Danny laughing, “a trade, you see? Take from you like you took from meEeEeE”.

Look. Okay. Danny’s not actually gonna off the guy or whatever. Even with this guy fucked up on an energy overload Danny’s still not winning shit dick all. Also combine that with the fact that Danny does absolutely feel like vomiting a little. Meaning he cuts the act out, laughing merrily and zipping around to give the guy a back pat, “relax, it’s a song and I’m just fucking with you. But yeah no, your bitch ass lost”.

Danny floating himself back into a chair and happily, stupidly sipping another Red Eye, it’s a little gross cold now. Pariah’s squinting at him as The FrightKnight portals back in… with nothing. The FrightKnight narrows his eyes at the scene, speaking slowly at Danny, “I was informed you’d be done”.

Danny snorting, nice guys, “oh yeah, I’m, like, one and a half drinks away from violently vomiting a Jackson Pollock painting all over this busted up table”, jabbing a thumb at Pariah, “and he’s a few past almost destabilizing himself and seeing the hat-man”.

Pariah huffs but doesn’t deny the statement, “there is a man wearing an hat in the corner, yes”.

Danny snorts, “yeah that’ll happen if consume a metric fuckton of any mind altering shit. I just have a lot of tolerance. He is not real, do not approach”.

Pariah stares at him, “aren’t you at the least tired by now?".

"I'll rest when I'm dead dead. Like you!”.

"No, you will certainly not."

Danny eyes Pariah, oh fuck he screwed up didn’t he? “what do you mean?”.

Pariah smirks at him as he sits down again very slowly and carefully, “I will enjoy your new title of court jester immensely”. Danny screams internally. “I have not felt this energized since teen hood”.

The FrightKnight blinks, Danny blinks, Danny bursting out, “holy shit! I knew it! You were just a fucking energy deprived shit head!”. Pariah crushes a cup, making Danny chuckle awkwardly, “who’s now not energy deprived and is totally definitely going to stop terrorizing an entire realm and my town? Please?”, grinning nervously, which vibrates a little from pure raw energy, “I’m your only good access to coffee? And apparently your court jester now?”. Danny glances at The FrightKnight when the guy pointedly crosses his arms and seems to raise an eyebrow, “oh nothing out of you, do you even know anything about coffee?”, taking Pariah’s cup off of the table, “like this espresso? Cold af now, definitely horrifically bitter and practically not even worth drinking now”, then whispering, “may it rest in splendour”, looking back to The FrightKnight, “you’d probably go and order him fucking Timmies decaf! And that stuff is god awful ever since they got bought out or whatever”, snorting, “that stuff gives humans the shits, I wouldn’t even want to know what that would do to a ghost”.

And Pariah? Pariah laughs, it’s a bit unstable-sounding but still, “the child has you there”. The FrightKnight looks to be in shock.

Danny nodding firmly, leaning back and crossing his arms, twitchy, “and everyone hates his ass, no way anyone else would actually go get him the good stuff or not actually poison it”, putting a hand to his chest, “I think I’ve proven I would never insult coffee like that!”.

The FrightKnight responding flatly, “if you’ve established anything, it would be that”; and eyes the numerous cups pointedly.

…

“Sooooo?”.

Pariah shakes his head, amused, and the air seems to shift or perhaps only Danny feels it shift, “your lair is returned from whence it came, foolish one who dared challenge and mock his god”.

Danny throws his arms up in the air, exclaiming, “HAHA! I WIN!”.

Pariah’s eyes narrow slightly, “you will put on a show for me and mine, fool. You will entertain me till you waste away to nothingness”.

“Haha! I lose!”.

The FrightKnight and Pariah seem to struggle not to laugh at him. Probably would have been mean laughs but still!

…

It would probably be pushing it if he tried to ditch Pariah and his giant castle immediately, wouldn’t it? Yeah yeah, probably. At least his friends probably know he’s fine, since him deciding to get the goddamn ghost of fear to ask them to get him an absolutely absurd amount of coffee orders while he’s in the middle of a fight, would be unhinged and stupid even for him. Though wait a minute… there’s no way Sam and Tuck would actually inform any of the ghosts of that… and just abandoning their homes especially when they all thought Danny was going to confront the guy, wouldn’t really make sense for ghosts… The ghosts did trap him once so them retrying that would make sense… Plus what about Vlad? That man’s ego was big enough that he legit might try to fight Pariah.

Danny snapping his fingers and pointing at Pariah, “let me sit on the throne”.

“How dare-”

“No no, listen, I’ll be sitting there all smug and shit when ghosts come bardging in to try defeating you. And they’ll be all like”, putting up his hands and putting on a mock whiney voice, “oh my zone! He beat Pariah! This noodle limbed smarmy shit’s our king now! NoOoOoOoO!”, dropping his hands and pointing at Pariah, “and then you can pop out from behind the throne, that thing’s fucking huge, and just ominously scare the ever loving shit out of everyone”. Pariah looks contemplative, like he might actually do this. So Danny carries on, “and they’ll all be like”, putting on the whiney tone again, “NoOoOoO! Pariah’s not ended! The halfa teamed up with him! We’re DoOoOoOmed! He might be a stupid shit but he can fight! Our last hope! NoOoOoOoOoOoO!”.

Pariah hums in consideration, “I shall grant you such an honour only once, and if only to terrify all those fools who dare oppose me or dare to entrap me”, standing slowly and marching back to his thrown room.

The FrightKnight staring at Danny, “I do not know whether to say you have tainted his highness, or to claim you’ve saved him”.

“Well considering he probably won’t get resealed now, kinda no point in sealing someone who isn’t so energy deprived that they bring wanton destruction everywhere they go just to feel something; the latter”.

The FrightKnight merely huffs at that as him and Danny follow after Pariah.

Okay so Pariah’s throne thing is supremely not comfortable and Danny is legit relieved -and somewhat filled with regret- by the time the ghosts do arrive. Barging in the door like they mean business and full of fake bravado.

“We’ll do what we must!”.

“Face us Pariah!”.

“The dark must fall!”.

“We are prepared to met our ends!”.

“Arghhhgghh!”.

“END!”.

Danny has his legs crossed, one elbrow on a knee, and face in palm; much like what Pariah had been doing when he first showed up in the rundown shithole. He smirks as they all fall silent, then giving a little wave, “little late, are we?”.

Skulker tilts his head, “Halfa?”.

Technus throwing up his hands, “I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU THE GHOST CHILD WAS POWERFUL!”, then two seconds later, “OH NO HE’S POWERFUL!”.

Johnny throwing out his hands, “what the Hell man! Have you just been waiting here for us to do this!?! You jackass!”. Danny makes a point to laugh meanly at that.

Some random ghost muttering, “does this mean that one is king now?”.

Some weird cloaked eyeball ghost floats forward aggressively, “this does not make sense! We will not allow such a thing!”.

It just descends into utter chaos from there.

“How is this even possible!”.

“You mean to tell me he has the power of multiple Ancients!”.

“I can not be ruled by a guy that attempts to eat lamp posts!”.

“He’s not even entirely dead!”.

“That freak!?! Zone no!”.

“The HORROR!”.

“This is a sin! A sin I say!”.

“Oh zone is he gonna command us all speak in freaking rhyme or PUNS”.

It just becomes a mess of shrieking after that. The FrightKnight’s mouth is actually hanging open, shiny black teeth illuminated by his glowing green eyes. Danny can hear Pariah mutter, “unbelievable”, before stepping out and making his grand entrance.

Pariah stands there, slowly crossing his arms and glaring at ‘his people’, and everything goes silent until…

The crowd erupts in cries filled with pure terror, their voices trembling with disbelief as they witness the horrifying ’reality before them! Danny Phantom! With! Pariah! Dark!

One woman he doesn’t recognize screaming, “no! No, this can’t be real!”, her voice cracking with panic.

Technus damn near stammering, “HE’S… HE’S NOT ONE OF US ANYMORE!” , eyes wide with terror.

Someone in the background shouting,“please, someone stop this horror!”.

The Box Ghost shouting, “THIS IS MADNESS! We’re all DOOOOOMED!”, his hands shaking as he points at Danny very very dramatically.

Ember covering her mouth in horror, her voice barely a whisper, “he’s gone… Pariah has taken him. He’s lost”.

Someone else yelling, “everyone scatter! There’s nothing we can do now!”, as they grab others by the arm and try to flee, though the scene is apparently so horrifying that it seems like they can barely tear their eyes away.

This… this is a touch more over the top than Danny expected actually, go him and his funny man ideas. He absolutely can not help but burst out laughing, actually pitching out of the chair, spinning in the air cackling enough to make him tear up, “oh my zone! This- this was great! Hahahaha! He he he!”.

Pariah shakes his head almost in disbelief, reclaiming his throne, “to think such a simple trick would rile you creatures up to such a degree, your kind have gotten weak in my absence”.

The Lunch Lady is the one with the guts to stick her head back in through the doors, “that one, is a menace, WITH A TERRIBLE DIET!”.

Then Skulker all but storms in, “whelp stop laughing!”, gesturing at Pariah, “what the zone happened!”.

Danny floats to the ground, wheeze laughing a little, before calming down enough to respond, “I- I told you! We had coffee, man!”.

And then, because of course, Vlad’s smarmy ass shows up, “absolutely not”, flying aggressively at Danny, grabbing his shoulders, and shakes him violently, “I refuse to believe you ruined my plans like this! What sort of absurd insanity is taking a fabled Ghost King to get bloody coffee! Gouda Daniel! You are a fool! An imbecile!”.

“You will unhand my jester this instant, thief”, Pariah has his eyes narrowed threateningly at Vlad.

Vlad stares back, “ah, ahem”, and actually does let go of a smirking Danny. Vlad swallowing, “your? jester?”.

Danny finger-gunning at the guy from the ground, “apparently I’m funny, who knew”. Vlad gives Danny a look of genuine disgust before jolting from Pariah snarling, “begone with you”; Vlad, smartly, flees immediately.

Then the cloak eyeball guy floats back in at a slow and steady pace, staring -maybe? It’s really hard to tell- at Danny, “you are an unnatural walking disaster of a creature. Nothing good can come of you”. Which, rude!

Danny putting a hand to his chest, “thanks for the compliment, babe”. The eyeball ghost clenches Its fists at that, fucking good honestly. Danny doesn’t even know this ghost and they’re being a massive dick.

“Observant”, Pariah full on snarling, “you have no place to question me, to limit me with your pathetic rules and laws. Your feeble desires and so-called visions. You, too, will get out of my sight and never return”. The apparently named ‘Observant’ faintly flinches back and leaves. Meaning Danny doesn’t have to fist fight some random newbie today! Hooray! Then the guy turns on Danny, “you, come hither fool”.

Danny chuckles awkwardly, “I would jingle miserably across the floor if I had any jingle to give”.

Pariah’s mouth moves in that way people’s mouths do when they’re trying not to laugh; dude is definitely more chill now. “That is exactly the point, boy”, gesturing dismissively at the forming crowd, “prove my point to these far lesser fools”, then throwing a glare at The FrightKnight who hurries off.

Danny getting the jist, floating in front of Pariah, when frightful returns with a stick pole thing with a goddamn head on it and one of those jingle collar things that legit actual jesters wore. Oh fuck Pariah was not messing with him, note to self: Pariah doesn’t fuck around. That probably should have been obvious from all the mass slaughter and destruction, but nobody ever said Danny wasn’t dense.

The FrightKnight offering the stick thing to Danny with a kneel, which Danny takes because he’s not actually suicidal; it jingles very obnoxiously. Suiting honestly. The thing… does something? He’s not sure what, but it feels… kinda like his jumpsuit does, like it’s part of him or whatever.

Some huge ass four-armed blue warrior lady crossing one set of arms, shakes her head, and turns to leave; most other ghosts seemingly following suit.

Ember shakes her head at Danny specifically, “dipstick, how did you wind up this unlucky?”.

Danny shrugging, “eh, I slam dunked a basketball into gods halo immediately after being born”. Which actually makes her cover her mouth and snicker, her grabbing Skulker by the arm and dragging him out.

Danny nodding at the now empty area, holding his stick thing, the head’s face looks like it’s mocking him. Looking to Pariah, “so…. I’m gonna go make a bone necklace outta my sorta uncle now? That’s the guy who stole from you, by the by”.

The FrightKnight almost sighs, “and why are you doing that?”. But Pariah actually chuckles darkly, “to mock and harass is a jesters job, is it not”.

Danny snickering, “pretty sure he’s right, you know”, holding up a finger, pole thing now in one hand, “but if you need a reason-”, huffing, “-that fucker owns a coffee chain and hasn’t opened a single damn one in the entire zone. The audacity!”. The FrightKnight looks almost a bit offended that that’s Danny’s reasoning. Danny nodding curtly, “and I guess I’ll figure out what this stick does”.

The FrightKnight shakes his head but, with a nod of approval from his king, makes Danny a portal, “that is a marotte”.

“Fancy name for fancy stick, gotcha”. Danny zipping through the portal with plans of torment brewing, you know, in the same way that the desire to open up coffee shops in the ghost zone should have brewed in Vladdie’s sorry mind.

Pariah shaking his head before shaking his arms out a little, it was gonna be a while before that guy came down off of his Danny-induced caffeine buzz.

Danny finds Vlad rather quickly, in his huge fuck off castle of a house, getting a bit sloshed on whiskey. Vlad speaking his name with disdain, “Daniel”.

“It’s Danny, bitch!”, and with that Danny basically shoves the stick things face into Vlad’s own, making the guy jerk drunkenly before Danny full on bashes the guy with it.

…

Vlad’s hair and clothing turns head to toe an ugly mess of pinks and purples, Vlad glancing down while rubbing his head as Danny’s cackling and pointing mockingly. Vlad snarling at him, “Daniel! You turn me back this instance!”.

Danny wheezing, “get wrecked, cheesehead!”; laughing even harder when Vlad transforms and the colour changes stays. It’s like his horn hair is made outta moldy cotton candy! Danny, smartly, flees; forcing colour fucked drunken Plasmius to chase after him in public. Public shaming for the win! Danny is so totally doing this to ghosts at random all the time.

(He does indeed do it somewhat often, intentionally inconsistent with it to keep them guessing of course. Meaning Danny immediately becomes a complete menace about it, chasing folks around with the thing waving its startling face around wildly, it’s bells jingling ominously all the while. The Box Ghost strangely found being orange fun, till Danny figured out he could change things shapes a bit and started just making unholy amounts of circles around good ol’ Boxy).

Plasmius’s ’new look’ doesn’t last super long, just goes away on its own even, but it does make it into the paper. Danny stapling a copy to his wall immediately, it was pure gold. Danny admiring his handy work before looking back at Sam and Tuck, “so do you think I could convince Pariah to do crack? Just get coked up and do a coke twirl?”.

“DANNY NO!”.

Heh. He loves his half life so damn much.

(And if his first time ‘playing court jester’ outside of goddamn Pariah Dark’s Keep for the masses involved him sticking a cello in/on a golden toilet bowl, standing on said cello barefoot and in an oversized jingly fools cap/hat, playing it ominously, all the while making guttural growling sounds, and occasionally blowing a ‘here comes the king’ tune on a kazoo he taped to the cello; then that’s his business and everyone else’s horror. But hey? at least Pariah’s calmed the fuck down after waking the fuck up, thanks to the thing that wakes everyone else up properly; and Danny didn’t even have to fight him!

Fuck overthrowing death god king, a toilet bowl was enough of a throne for him, thank you very much).

End.

Prompts: There's more than one way to control a ghost Instead of fighting Pariah Dark, Danny invites him to get coffee "Aren't you tired by now?" "I'll rest when I'm dead." "No, you won't."

[vaguely-concerned]

the strength it must have taken for illario to not immediately go full 'lmao since when have you even had a kiss hello lucanis' sibling violence mode during the café talk. inspirational. rook and lucanis really were doing all that right in front of his salad huh

[satanslittlefucker]

Jason: Fuck's wrong with Timberlina over there?

Tim, hunched over the batcomputer, eyes feverish, slightly shaking: Drank two mugs of dark coffee and then a slightly larger jug of light coffee today. Think I'm gonna see God in a bit now.

Dick: ...should i call B?

Damian, setting another cup next to Tim: Not yet, Grayson. I'm curious to see how long before Drake starts seeing the ghosts of my ancestors.

[yourfaveisintersex]

Sans from Undertale is an intersex coffee bean transmasc (link), and his variation is Aromatase Excess Syndrome (AEXS) with hypoandrogenism!

Intersex flag-only edits under the cut!

[klenda-v]

Zoffy Coffy

Redraw of an older sketch, original below cutoff:

I still do most of my sketches on paper with ink and watercolor, my main impetus for doing this one digitally is 1: when I first drew this Zoffy I couldn’t do much digital art and was still figuring out how to even use it, and B: I wanna make. Buttons, I hope

[dragon-age-here]

The MGiT would actually be great for Veilguard because you can just explain Rook’s incredibly sensitivity and awareness of mental health and identity stuff as someone who did go to therapy for years and has the skill set but like, isn’t using it for themself.

Like yes, I have seen 13 papers/wiki articles/youtube discussions on gender identity, do not ask me what that means I cannot tell you, btw have you heard of the wide spectrum of sexuality and gender-

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Honestly hate the web of social conventions and competition and capitalistic career-worship that prevents me from answering the question “so, why do you want this job?” by simply texting the interviewer this image:

[vampirebiter]

I think my job interview went well :3 it's a two interview process and I won't know for sure until later this week but I think it went good

[dayumsonhethic]

A Magnus Archives Idea

not a memory but an idea: martin, who seems to only drink tea no matter how tired he is, shows up to the archives with a cup of coffee/energy drink after a particularly long night

bonus points: he is drinking it out of what he normally has his tea in and tim goes to take a drink and is suddenly drinking an energy drink instead of tea

[randomseacucumber]

They need to start making cheap caffinated beverages...my wallet is bleeding...

[princefado]

i can't decide if i like a nemuro/mikage who actually maintains a decent sleep schedule and rises early, with mamiya as the sleepy, let's-stay-in-bed one... or if i like nemuro/mikage as a morning-hating night owl workaholic, while mamiya likes getting up early on days he's feeling well so he can spend more time in the garden

[sachermorte]

truly no post like "girl help they're making me do my job at work". nightmare scenario. cataclysmic event. worse than any form of torture. violation of the geneva conventions. adam ate of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and god made mankind work forevermore because he couldn't think of anything worse to do to us. horrible 0/10

[the-evil-pizza]

Nord italians... If i get you nord italians

(not my friends from north italy who are beautiful, smart and perfect... But everyone else)

[sylvieons]

been working on a my chemical romance inspired painting and if i finish this and start enough other mcr inspired paintings i can create a collection called "my maniacal romance" because the only reason i'm doing art is because i've been lowkey manic lately and therefore i am a creative and artistic genius

[roscoehamiltons]

ordered a specialty latte without fully realizing what was in it and ended up with this 😆🤭🤔

[wanderrealms]

Trying to find a horror video game and not realizing I am watching an analysis of the game.

"Hmm...the game I'm looking for had some of the characters in kind of Victorian inspired clothes. That MC has a familiar waistcoat. Also there was alternate world nurse with a chair that..."

Alternate world nurse walks into view and leads the MC to chair which transports them back to reality.

Ok so I was looking for Evil Within 1 and 2.

And i recognized the game by the main character's waistcoat.