#family members being your therapists is bad for several reasons and I felt like a fraud doing this but I didnt want her to die

[dubiousdisco]

BRO my mom just told me she went to check on my sister because I needed to take these 2 days off and my sister asked her if I have ever done anything for her

You know how mom's anxiety is off the roof even with the intense treatment we do at home, she said she will tell me more later because right now the thought of the subject is making her so anxious she can't speak, Im just,

There are so many things here

[najatheangel]

a/n: apart of the Stray Kids Summer Collab hosted by @bangchan-fairy. My 2nd story for this collab so please show love and tell me what you think. This collab was so fun to participate in have a great summer everyone. genre: fluff, drama and angst. (Warning: Mentions of car accident and death.) pairing: bangchan x reader (ft. Felix, Changbin, and Lee Know.) word count: 2.2k summary: After years of making music at a young age, stray kids were facing their last night on the tour which ended in tragedy. They were involved in a horrible bus accident leading them to pass away, but only four survived. Months after the incident Bangchan, Felix, Lee Know, and Changbin lost their passion for music and performing as a band. The boys want to reunite and make music again, but they can’t accomplish that without another lead singer which is you.

taglist: @soleilsuhh @melonmochimoon @purplepsycho03 @kpopsnowball @neptunehobi @dundun-baby (Send me a message if you want to be added or removed from the tag list.)

Bangchan’s Pov: 05/23/21.

The day of the audition and the day I’ve found myself loving music again. I hate that we have to start all over again. Ever since that night after our world tour with the boys, we lost everything including our four friends Jeongin, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Han. I have nightmares every day about that night thinking if I could’ve done anything different or prevented any of my friends from getting hurt, but the devil cursed us with this tragic fate.

I remember we were going to celebrate years of hard work by going to our favorite ramen shop. We played over 30 states and 20 countries all across the globe. We even collaborated with big-name artists like The Weekend, Machine Gun Kelly, Drake, etc…

Our journey was just beginning but quickly came to an end when our tour bus crashed and rolled down the hill away from the expressway. We all almost died together that night, but only me, Changbin, Felix, and Lee Know survived. Lee Know suffered the most injuries out of the four of us when he couldn’t play the guitar for a whole year.

Felix had to be on crutches for a few months, Changbin wasn’t as happy as he normally was; he went completely dark and would never show his soft side to any. As for me, I suffered from severe PTSD after the accident.

We all had to go to therapy, but with me being the leader and having to handle the funeral arrangements with my manager, my depression and stress became much worse.

Our company wanted to force us to continue to perform with just the four of us, but we decided to take a hiatus before thinking about performing again.

That’s how we ended up here after 3 years of pain, grieving the death of my friends and reuniting with my old bandmates to search for a new lead singer.

…

Reader’s POV: 05/23/21

I was Stray Kids biggest fan ever since their debut. Every year, I’ve attended their concerts on my birthday and meet backstage with them thanking them for making music that changed my life. When I heard what happened the night after the tour just like everyone else in the world I cried about it and more than ever I want to take away their pain to turn it into something positive.

I’ve decided to do the unthinkable and audition for stray kid’s next lead singer.

They’ll only pick one out of 5,000 people and the winner gets to make a summer album with Stray Kids. This is my last chance to achieve my dream and give back to the boys for what their music has done for me.

“Number 201! You're up, please get ready to perform on stage.” As the crew backstage called out my number I was shaking in my boots, but I knew that I had to rock that stage. As I grabbed my guitar and walked on stage, I saw four of the amazingly talented men in front of me. After hours of hearing people perform all day, their faces still looked very bored and over this whole audition, but little did they know I had a surprise up their sleeve.

“Hello, I’m number 201. My name is y/n, I’m 22 years old. I’m born and raised in California and the song that I will be singing tonight is an original piece. This one’s for you guys.” As I spoke my last bit of words before performing the boys finally looked up and their eyes glow as I started to play my guitar.

…

Bangchan’s Pov: I was completely thrown off guard when I saw number 201 perform. I couldn’t describe what I was feeling at that exact moment, but her voice was pulling me into another planet. Her song almost moved me to tears it was like she was speaking to all four of us and was understanding how we felt at that exact moment. The lyrics that stood out to me the most were “No matter how tough life may get, it’s best to keep your head high otherwise it’s all downhill.” She’s very confident I can tell that she was born to be a performer so I don’t see why not, but she would be even stronger as a solo artist.

The boys were cheering and screaming immediately wanting to take her in, but I was still not down for this idea for a new lead singer in the first place.

Stray Kids was supposed to be irreplaceable, but then I remembered the reason why we needed someone like her in the first place which is to make music again and do it for our angels Seungmin, Han, Jeongin, and Hyunjin.

So I stood up on stage next to her clapping my hands and slapped my hand on her shoulder. I gave the boys a nod and smiled at her by saying “Congratulations number 201. From this day forward, you will be our new lead singer of Stray Kids. Are you in?” She flashed the prettiest smile and hugged me so tight and the rest of the members joined the big group hug.

“On three you guys, Stray Kids for Life!” Changbin expressed as I’ve finally heard his cute voice come out. “1...2..3...Stray Kids for Life!” Maybe this girl would change us for the better.

…

Our manager gave us until the end of August to perform at the summer bash festival in her hometown Orange County California which was one of the accomplishments of our life since we’ve debuted as a group. Practicing together all summer made me realize how much I enjoyed the process of making songs for our group and became ten times better when she came into the picture.

At first, I’ve felt bad for being cold around the first few weeks of practice. I would always ignore her presence and turn down eating lunch with her on breaks because I was still not used to having her around. She would cry after practice calling her older sister saying that “Bangchan doesn’t seem to like me and I don’t understand why when all I’m trying to do is help him make music again.”

I remember fighting one of my best friends Felix about pushing her away the night and she almost quit the band.

He just kept screaming at me and telling me that I’ve become worse than before after therapy which stung, but I also felt bad for letting him storm off and telling him that our friendship was over. We were fist fighting which never happened and it led us to sleep in separate rooms for a whole week since we were roommates. One night I couldn’t forget was when she came back after Felix left home to visit his family for the weekend. Changbin and Lee Know were out with their girlfriends which led me to be alone or so I thought.

…

Reader’s Pov: 06/04/21.

Bangchan I never understood him out of all the boys. Lee Know he was easy to talk to because we have the same personality and have a love for the same video games. Felix was like an older brother to me always making sure I was alright, well feed, and getting good sleep at night. Changbin was like my personal therapist I would talk to him about all my problems and concerns about anything that’s going on in my life. All three of them were you can say my new besties, but Bangchan on the other hand... was a tough cookie to crack. I would try to check on him if he’s messing up in practice or if he’s stayed up overnight to practice.

I can tell he blamed himself for every little thing ever since the bus accident and he’s hard on himself which makes sense, but I hate that he has to take it out on others especially his best friend. That week in July I’ve decided to come back and give Bangchan a piece of mind because I was fed up with the lack of improvement and bad energy as a group, but then I started to hear him sob from his room. The boys left him all alone and I was the only one that could save him out of his misery.

With no hesitation, I slammed the door open and ran to Bangchan gently embracing him. This man was putting up a fight to forget about the past, but with his PTSD it’s hard for him to get through the pain. So I calmed him down and simply asked him. “Have you ever thought about making a song for them?” I can tell he was hesitating to answer the question, but he responded by saying. “Honestly no. I’m still not in my right mind to do so. You’ve seen me in practice so I can’t do it alone.”

It all started to make sense he was planning the whole time to make this song on his own and not have anyone bother him. “You’re not alone. At least for tonight, since we have one month left, let’s try writing together you and me. Whadya say?” “Y/n...You would do that for me?”

“Of course your my role model and special friend after all.” The unexpected happened he suddenly pulled me next to him on his bed and softly kissed me on the lips. It was my first ever sweet interaction with him and I didn’t understand it, but I was happy at that moment that he finally opened up to me. He caressed my head and dragged me into the studio with him excited to get straight to work.

When the boys came back, we’ve shared the news about our new song they were very happy with our process and agreed to share the song with the world. Of course, Felix and Bangchan talked for hours when he came in the room last and made up instantly. It was a fight that they never wanted to affect their friendship and dynamic negatively, but it made us all happy when they finally became best friends again.

I remember our group becoming a lot closer we would play game night every Thursday, have chicken and beer on the weekends, threw the biggest for Changbin dressing up in wolf costumes, and Bangchan taking me on our first date at the amusement park which was the adventure of a lifetime.

I felt bad for leaving early because I have a weak stomach when it comes to roller coasters. These memories with the boys are something that I’ve always dreamed of being a part of ever since I’ve seen their debut. If I can simply describe everything the five of us have been through it would be...

…

Bangchan’s Pov: 07/26/21.

“Hello everyone. This is Stray Kids we’re back better than ever. This summer has been one crazy ride, but I’m glad I’ve got to share it alongside my bandmates. My forever brothers Felix, Lee Know, Changbin and my angel y/n will share the stage with me as we perform our new song Perfect Melody. This song not only represents our journey with our new lead singer but also our journey with our family Seungmin, Jeongin, Han, and Hyunjin. I hope stays enjoy.” I was very confident presenting this song to the world and didn’t want to bring shame to my angel’s hometown so I had to put a performance of a lifetime.

I’ve slowly started to panic when Lee Know started playing the drums and it took me back once again to the accident in my mind. Good thing I forgot about it completely once I’ve heard her voice starting off the song. With Changbin playing the keyboard and Felix bass blending in with her singing in the background it meshes perfectly which is when I come in singing with her in harmony.

The crowd seemed to go crazy over it and all I can see with her shining so brightly as she does carrying the whole song. Felix deep vocals come in and we scream the lyrics as stays sing together with us feeling what’s in our hearts. We performed like it was our last with no regrets, no hesitation just simply because we loved what we were bringing to the table. If it wasn’t for her I don’t think this ever would’ve happened.

She helped us reunite as a band, got me through my trauma, and best of all we’ve found love in the end. When the song finally cut off we all heard stays cheering and crying screaming “Stray Kids we love you!” Our manager and stage crew was jumping and smiling at us celebrating our successful performance.

Lee Know was shocked saying “We did it, you guys. We performed on this stage and we did it!” Changbin started tearing up but tried to play it off by acting tough. “Duh of course we did. I knew could do it.” Felix laughed motioning for us to group hug.

“Bring it in you guys, If it wasn’t for our wonder woman we wouldn’t have made it this far.” We all hugged each other chanting and spinning around in the confetti. “Bangchan see I told you, we’ve finally done it.” Gosh, she’s just the cutest flashing her sparkling eyes at me as she says that.

“Yeah, I guess we did. I’m sorry for ever doubting and treating you like a jerk. Thank you for everything. For now, on it’s five of us or nothing.” She gives me one last smile and links our pinkies together giving them a tiny kiss. “Of course! Five or nothing.”

[xominniexo]

                          INTRODUCING MELODY MOUSE

full name: melody matilda mouse

age: physically 26 ( immortal )

powers: sorcery with a focus on divination

siblings: ozzy mouse

face claim: bruna marquezine

pinterest for the vibe: here

— crestfallen on the landing, champagne problems.

tw: mentions of anxiety and panic attacks

it all started with a mouse... and it’s up for debate if melody is that mouse. see, she’s always felt a little like the one to the side. the one following the footsteps of her parents. the one left in the wake of an explosive younger brother, trying not to be bitter as she watches him leave yet again. it’s fine, okay? she’s fine with it.

melody had her first panic attack when she was fourteen. it came while waiting in the wings to perform a piano piece, and, if anyone had been privy to her mind since starting puberty, it wouldn’t have seemed to come out of nowhere.

melody had always been positive, kind, and intelligent. she excelled at schoolwork, she had an ear for music and took to the piano like she was made for it (though her singing voice is decidedly mediocre), and did her best to keep her brother out of trouble. as she got older, and hit puberty, things started to take a turn. beneath the presentation of a perfect little angel were headaches, irritability, trouble sleeping, and worrying. about school, about her music, about her brother, about making her parents proud.

her parents immediately did the best they could to help her with her anxiety, though that first panic attack certainly wasn’t her last. piano is now one of her best coping mechanisms - it helps the rest of the world melt away when she just needs a break.

melody’s always had a degree of awareness about her family legacy, but she didn’t know the full extent of it until ozzy turned eighteen and it was revealed that they’d both had magic their whole lives hit. it was like a bomb dropped on the happy little family, or maybe a fuse being lit that would burn until ozzy graduated. melody honestly still doesn’t know how she feels about being lied to - her powers were never as everpresent as her brother’s, and she’d been so busy compartmentalising to be there for him and learn how to actually use this magic that she’d never quite taken a step back and thought about her own feelings. needless to say, her therapist thinks that should change and she’s working on it, okay.

melody has to dig deeper for her magic. for whatever reason it isn’t always at her fingertips the way it is for her father or even her brother. nonetheless, once she was able to tap into it she immediately started working to master it. it was a tool, and not one that she wanted to mishandle. at this point, melody isn’t sure if she had a knack for divination already, or if she was just so fascinated by it that she focused on it more. either way, magic that gave her knowledge was what she leaned towards, despite it’s unreliability.

generally, melody had mixed feelings about the academy. it was good to have a place to actually learn, and she could see it’s potential. but, well. ultimately, it was more for ozzy than it was for her. hell, the whole city was for him, really. even if he never seemed to see that the same way she did. nonetheless, she wanted to see the dream grow. she’d always been the responsible one, and she was going to keep being the responsible one. even (especially) when ozzy finally graduated and that long-burning fuse ran out. when ozzy left the first time, sans immortality, she threw herself into her music and helping build the academy. it was fine. really. if he didn’t want anything to do with her or their family then fine. she’s kept out of the years long war between her father and ozzy, but it’s slowly grown a spiky mess or bitterness and resentment deep within her.

in the intervening years, before maleficent, melody started studying teaching. her anxiety which, yeah, took a fucking downswing when her little brother ditched town while totally mortal with no indication he was ever coming back, had it’s bad days and it’s good days, but medication and therapy helped. there was a stretch of bad that’d had her habitually trying to look into the future - whether a few minutes or years, for herself or vague acquaintances - to an unhealthy degree. every choice had to be considered from every angle, had to have it’s outcome checked and double-checked, until she pulled herself out of that rut. it was coming out of the end of that phase that she took up teaching, and started avoiding some of the more oracular elements of divination.

then maleficent happened. and her brother came back. melody was too relieved and delighted to resent him for leaving. she’d hoped he’d stick around, that the catastrophe would bring everyone in her family together again. yeah, right.

ozzy was gone again, ditching instead of trying to put in the fucking work to repair things with their dad. whatever. it was fucking fine.

it’s been several years since she’s seen her brother. in that time, she’s become a music teacher for younger kids, an involved member of the community, a proficient wizard, and started drafting a novel on her family legacy. she’s had a good few years, and she’s hoping to have a lot more. she’s feeling good. hopefully ozzy swinging back into town doesn’t change that!

— wanted connections.

***ex almost-fiance: listen i’ve had champagne problems stuck in my head the full week i’ve been trying to get her bio out, i just know she walked out on a proposal and your character could be that proposer!! join me for peak angst!!***

bad influence: in, like, a party/dumb decisions way or in, like, a corruption arc kinda way... 👀👀👀 can be platonic or romantic idk feel out the vibe

student: does your character want to learn how to play piano? you’ve come to the right place! she mostly teaches younger kids but u know exceptions can be made

hook up: melody does impulsive shit once in a blue moon and congrats, u made it happen! can be a one off or ongoing 👀

under her wing: idk just someone she’s decided she must look after for one reason or another. honorary little sibling vibes

confidante and/or best friend: what it says on the tin. basically the person she goes to when she needs a hug

???: if u have ideas hit me up on discord thank u for coming to my mouse talk

[seapandora]

Illusion, Part 4/?

Illusion｜Part 4/?

Bucky x oc!Lori

Warnings: Angst, betrayal, swearing, torture, (suicide is mentioned once), violence

A/N: Part 4, wow. Ehum, Its this part and one more before I take a sort of break from this fic for a bit. There might be a one-shot here or there, but for now I´m just tired of writing this. I still live the story though so I´m not leaving it just yet, but I have so much in my head right now. Thanks for coming by! Please comment, reblog, like and share this if you enjoyed it! I appreciate it! As always, gif-credit to the owner! Oh and send me a message or so to get added to the taglist!

Summary: Reader is a supersoldier, one of a number, one of nine. Hydra´s backup for the asset. The group was started in 1974 and has been working under the radar, training for the day when the asset no longer exists. Lori is the only one left. Left in a cryo, she wasn’t discovered until 2023 when a certain captain and his buddy found her.

Words: 9k+ (I´m so sorry, this chapter, as a full thing, was a bit of a bitch)

Taglist: @selfsun​

2024

Lori walked back to Wanda and immediately began to tell her what had just happened. She wanted to solidify it in her memory, it was one of the best things that had ever happened to her. Wanda was happy for her but made sure that she was okay before she asked for any details. They finished up the decorating while joking around before they walked to the kitchen. Wanda had to finish up her gifts for everyone, which happened to be cookies for everyone. Lori was not a baker and Wanda didn´t want help anyways, but Lori stayed as company.

The kitchen was also one of Lori´s favorite rooms to be in. It looked similar in almost every house and so did the compounds kitchen. Lori had a good memory from her life before Hydra and from before her mother started to hate her, and it had been in their kitchen, baking a cake together. She couldn´t remember why they were baking a cake, and she couldn´t remember what type of cake it was. All she could remember was that it was something she made with her mom.

Wanda talked away, as if she could feel the unrest and thinking Lori was doing. As if she was trying to distract Lori from her own mind. Wanda made sure to keep Lori busy with questions about the cookies for the other members. Like flavor, color and shapes. For Thor, they had decided on hammers and lightning bolts. His flavor of choice was always oranges and Wanda had made him orange-infused cookies. Loki would get cookies in the shape of reindeers with a mix of chocolate and vanilla flavor. Sam was getting bird-shaped chocolate-chip cookies. Wanda put a little more love into Sams cookies. They had gotten close over the past few years, but neither felt like it was the right time to pursue their feelings. Wanda was still in therapy after the loss of Vision. Loosing him twice had been a heavy blow to her and for a while she had let herself go which had led to her safety being in danger several times. Sam was always there for her but he had his own issues of course, suffering from more PTSD than he previosly had. The inifinity war and then endgame had brought back a lot of bad memories, and then having Steve leave had just been the icing on the cake.

Lori was quietly rooting for them to get together, and her christmas gift for Sam was part of that. Wanda was working quickly and using her powers to clean up while she was baking. Lori was sitting on the countertop and dangled her legs a bit. It was really nice to just hang out with Wanda and not have to think too hard on anything in particular. Peter eventually joined them and tried to snatch a few cookies which Wanda wouldn´t tolerate and Lori had to pull Peter away, into the livingroom, to stop the fighting.

A movie would surely distract Peter from the cookies and Lori could always use some Peter time. He was like a little brother to her and she loved him dearly. She loved spending time with him and watching their favorite movies. Currently they were knee-deep in Supernatural, the series, and they could fit in one of the christmas episodes before Sam would take charge of the tv and force them all to watch Die Hard, or some other bad christmas movie, he had been ranting about the past few weeks. Peter wasn´t brave enough to watch Supernatural on his own, so he came over two or three nights a week to watch a couple of episodes with Lori.

Once the episode was done Sam put on Die Hard to everyones groans and complaints. He didn´t care though and blabbered on about it being tradition. Despite the complaints everyone watched it, even the gods… although both Loki and Thor had questions about the plot. Sam did his best to explain or make sure they had patience for the plot to evolve and show itself. The 2 hour movie left them all exhausted on the couches. Lori and Peter had all but fallen asleep. Peter was laying on Lori who was laying on Bucky. The couch wasn´t very big, at least not for two supersoldiers and a boy who was still growing.

Bucky let out a soft cough and gently poked Lori to get her to sit up. “Come on sleepy head. Let´s get you to bed, the couch is comfortable but not as good as your bed, plus I might provide cuddles if you come with me,” he whispered and kissed Lori´s temple. She hummed and nodded before she slowly began to sit up. She gently nudged Peter and let him wake up fully before she pushed him off her. Lori was exhausted and she groaned as her back cracked when she stretched. The others looked over to her and she raised her eyebrows. “What? I´m almost 70, technically. Leave me alone,” she joked and that was the first time anyone had heard her joke about her age.

Age had been a very sensitive subject according to the therapist Lori had been paired with, but they had worked on it a lot. Lori clearly wasn´t 70 something years. She had been frozen for at least 30 of those years. Considering the serum and all her training the doctors had first aged her around 30 when she came to the compound. Technically she would have turned 30 the year she was put in cryo. It didn´t do her well to dwell on her age though. That was why she had started to joke about it. It took the bad vibes away from it.

Peter yawned but got up. They all helped clean up the livingroom before they made their way to their own rooms. Lori, Sam and Bucky all had rooms on the same floor. They took the elevator because they were all too tired for the stairs. Lori was the most tired and Bucky eventually picked her up as she seemed to be falling asleep standing.

Sam smirked as he saw the two of his best friends together. He was really happy for them. Of course he had noticed the change in their behavior towards each other during the afternoon. He may be a bit dull, but he wasn´t stupid. They went their separate ways from the elevator. Bucky carried Lori to her room and gently tucked her into bed where she would be the most comfortable. He got her a water-bottle as well to have on her nightstand. Once she was in bed he went to his own room and put on some news to fall asleep too. The quiet wasn´t something he enjoyed anymore, and he needed some sound around him to be able to fall asleep.

He slept well for a few hours. At 3.30 in the morning he woke up to something warm pressing against his right arm. He opened one eye and chuckled as he noticed Lori trying to slip in unnoticed. “Bad dreams or just cold?” He asked quietly and got comfortable on his back before opening his arms to let Lori curl up close. “A bit of both. This time of year brings out some bad memories. Plus I forgot to turn the heat up in my room and I´ve lost my extra blanket,” she mumbled and buried her face in Buckys neck. He was so warm, even his metal arm was at an ambient temperature.

Lori was soon asleep again, before Bucky had the chance to answer her, but he let her sleep. He wanted her to have all the energy possible for Christmas Eve, and if that meant sleeping in his bed, enveloped by his warmth, then he wouldn´t complain. He was also a little pissed that they didn´t have the time to cuddle during the evening before, but again, he wouldn´t complain. The past few days had been more than Bucky could have ever hoped for. He got to spend time with his family, and he had gotten together with a girl he had learned to know as a sweet and warm person, over the past few months. This Christmas definitely wouldn´t be so bad.  

They slept through Buckys alarm. It had been set for 6 am, but neither of them heard it. They stayed cuddled up together until Friday made them aware of the other avengers waiting for them for breakfast. Bucky turned around to look at his phone, Lori seemed to be asleep still and he didn´t want to wake her up. They had no reason to get up early, The Donald Duck showing was available online and Lori had spoken on her wish to see it at around 3 pm local time. She claimed it felt right to watch it at 3 pm local time instead of Swedish time. That was all good with Bucky. He mumbled out a command for Friday to let them sleep in a bit more. He turned back to Lori who curled up to his side and pressed her lips against Buckys neck. “What´s going on? What time is it?” She asked softly, but she didn´t make any effort to wake up. “It´s just after 8, we can go back to sleep for a little bit,” he replied quietly and kissed her forehead.

While Bucky hadn´t expected himself to fall asleep again, he was glad he did when he woke up two hours later. He felt very relaxed and well-rested. Bucky turned his head and smiled as he found himself staring into the bright eyes of Lori. “Morning,” he mumbled and turned onto his side to look at Lori. “Merry Christmas Buck,” she said softly and leaned over, pecking his cheek quickly. Neither of them were much for laying in bed after having woken up and they decided to get up to get some breakfast.

Sam had made pancakes for everyone and once Bucky and Lori arrived in the kitchen he reheated four of the pancakes for the two supersoldiers. “We chose to bring out the whole deal so toppings are on the table,” he said and nodded to the big table to urge the two to sit down. “It started snowing late last night and it´s still going so we probably won´t be able to go anywhere. Wanda and I were thinking of going down to the river and pay our respects to Natasha, Vision and Tony. Pepper is going tomorrow with Morgan and we were thinking we could leave something nice at the memorial.” Sam continued and plated the pancakes for Bucky and Lori.

The two sat down by the table and smiled as Sam served them the pancakes. Lori decided to put jelly on her pancakes. She had never really liked Nutella, well she liked it, but only in croissants. She got the raspberry jam and put some on her pancakes before she poured herself some mango-juice. “I would really like to come with you to the memorial. If that´s alright?” Lori asked softly before she dug into her pancakes. They were delicious of course. Sam and Wanda nodded eagerly and smiled. They both looked to Bucky who shook his head a bit. He had never been able to ask for forgivness from Tony, and he felt unworthy of paying respect to people he had once fought. It didn´t matter how much Wanda and Sam encouraged him to go, or how much Morgan had begged him to go. It felt wrong.  

“You guys go, and I´ll clean up and prep lunch for us, okay?” Bucky asked and smiled softly. The three in front of him smiled and nodded in agreement. None of them wanted to force Bucky into a situation where he would feel uncomfortable. Lori gulped dopwn her juice and pancakes happily. “These are so good Sam, what do we have to do to get you to make these every day?” She asked and looked at Sam. He chuckled and shook his head. “Nothing in the world can make me get up early enough to make breakfast for y´all,” he said and looked back at Lori.

She finished eating after fifteen minutes or so and leaned back in her seat groaning softly. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back hearing a familiar crack in her neck. Wanda made a sound of disgust and shuddered. “I really wish you would stop doing that,” she said and poked Lori´s arm. “Hey, don´t judge my bones, or get me new ones,” she teased Wanda back and slapped her hand away gently.

Sam, Wanda, and Lori left the kitchen once they had put the dishes in the dishwasher. Sam and Lori went to their floor while Wanda went to her own, or rather the one she sometimes shared with Peter and they all got dressed for the snowy, and chilly december day. Lori went for some sweatpants and a hoodie, sure it wasn´t super-conventional to go to a memorial site in such clothing, but she would stand back, she was there for her friends, not those the memorial was for.  

Sam had gone for jeans and a nicer shirt and jacket while Wanda had put on a dark red dress and her coat. Sure Lori felt a bit underdressed but it was okay. Peter, Pepper and Morgan were all going the next day so she didn´t have to impress anyone. They left Bucky to prepare lunch. He had promised not to go overboard with it but they all knew he would anyways. Bucky always went all in with a task. He was planning on making meatballs, baked potatoes, and cooked salmon for them all.

The three avengers didn´t stay long at the meorial. Sam and Wanda left their gifts for Vision and Natasha and they all wished the three former avnegers a merry christmas and a happy new year. Lori stuffed her hands in her pockets and pulled her shoulders up towards her ears. It was getting windy out and if this continued they would get snowed in over the new years. She looked up to the sky and took a deep breath. She jumped a bit when she felt a heavy hand land on her shoulder. it was warms o she figured it was Thor, and she was correct.

Thor had decided to join them in silence. While he wasn´t close with all of the avengers he still had serious respect for them all, and he for sure missed Tony a lot. Tony had helped him get past a rough patch, and Thor didn´t believe he had repaid that debt. He therefore saw it as his duty to keep a check on the universe and the new avengers in Tony´s stead. Lori gave him a soft smile and patted his hand. “Are you and your brother staying til tomorrow?” She asked quietly. Thor seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts before he replied. “Yes, we also know swedish people traditionally celebrate tonight so we thought we´d dance around the tree with you tonight. And it might bring you joy that Loki has agreed, although quite unwillingly,” he said with a bright smile.

“Wow, that´s huge coming from Loki,” Lori chuckled and stepped closer to Thor who wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She felt really happy around the gods. Thor was like the teddy bear brother she had always wanted, while Loki was the kind of brother who made sure she was educated and always had books to read. Loki had helped Lori with a lot of the history in the past 30 years. She had missed a lot. Espeially when it came to freedom and technology. While the technology hadn´t been hard to grasp, it had been ahrd to grasp that Europe was no longer as segregated as it had once been. The soviet was no more, and neither was Yugoslavia. Sweden had joined the European Uninion, and the world looked slightly different. A few wars had been fought, a few were still ongoing. Old conflicts had been exchanged for new ones.

Lori was really confused by the new world. She couldn´t understand why peace wasn´t an option or why people couldn´t get along. She had also found that social media added a whole other problem, and that more fights were breaking out because of it. It was all very strange and Lori did her best to stay out of conflicts. She had an instagram, but she barely used it, and it was run by HR anyways. She never read comments, she didn´t read news about herself or the team.

She was unsure where her thoughts came from, but she guessed it was because of the current season and the holiday in front of them. Lori had always learned that Christams was for thanking God for everything in her life. Sweden of course didn´t have thanksgiving and very few other holidays were they would be thankful. It was weird. It was strange to have gone from Europe to USA. The culture was very different. It had been a schock to Lori in the beginning. Now, while she wouldn´t say it didn´t bother her, she could handle the different culture and how different people were.

Sam and Wanda came over to the god and the supersoldier and Lori held her hand out for Wanda. Anyone with a sense, knew Wanda needed some comforting. Vision had been a very important person to her. A role no one could really fill, even though some had tried. Wanda smiled at Lori and stayed close to her as they made their way back to the compound. The snow was coming down hard now and eventually they found themselves running to the compound, rather than walking. They made it inside just in the for the wind to pick up as well, and they all let out a sigh of relief.

Wanda seemed cold and Lori made sure to get her to the couch and wrap her up in a few blankets. “Do you want some tea?” Lori asked and gently stroke Wandas hair. They were so close now, like sisters. Wanda nodded and Lori walked to the kitchen to get her a cup of hot tea. Bucky was all up in the cooking and Lori chuckled a bit as she watched him. “Hey there Ace, want some help?” She asked as she filled the ketle with water. She flipped the little switch and turned around to watch Bucky while she crossed her arms.

“Only if you´d like too sweetie. You dont have to,” he said and shrugged. “I´ll happily help,” Lori replied quickly and smiled at him. “I just need to get the tea to Wanda,” she added and walked over to Bucky wrapping an arm around his waist. She leaned up and pressed her lips to his cheek. “I´m awful when it comes to cooking but I can for sure roll the meatballs,” she chuckled and hummed as she leaned her head on Buckys flesh arm. The water was done within seconds, much thanks to Stark tech, which Lori had learned fairly quickly.

Everything was fast, there was no need to wait for anything really. It had been a strange thing to get accostumed too. Speed with any kind of technology in the late 60s and early 70s wasn´t something that existed. Television was a very good example. During the 60s Sweden only had one channel. It wasn´t until 69 that sweden got its second tv-channel. Lori´s family recieved a tv in 1965, but Lori wasn´t allowed to watch a whole lot of it. She wasn´t allowed to watch tv everyday until she was 18, in 1970. 1970 was also the year they officially got colored television. Losing all that when she was pulled into Hydra and then getting it all back multiplied by a million was a weird and unsettling experience.

Technology had been, as one would imagine a tough learning curve. Hydra had techonolgy, and “modern” one at that, but Lori had still gone into the ice in the late 80s or early 90s. Everything was different back then. She had still to fully grasp the wastness of television and cellphones. Her phone wasn´t used a lot and charged maybe once a week because she used it so little. Had she been given a choice she would have skipped the phone completely.

Bucky kissed her forehead before he helped her get a cup, and some of the better tea that was stored higher up. Lori prepared the cup quickly and brought it out to Wanda, who had been joined by Sam on the couch. Lori handed her the cup before she made her way back to the kitchen. The big windows showed the snow coming down harder than Lori had ever seen before. “Would you mind if I put on some music?” She asked Bucky who shrugged as a reply. He wasn´t much for music, but he realized Lori would feel better with it on in the background.

Lori was aware that Bucky didn´t care much for music, so normally she wouldn´t put on music. There was enough noice going on around them anyways, but now the compound was silent, and nature made no sound. Birds weren´t chirping, and the snow falling on the windows and roof wasn´t audible. “Friday, please play my Christmas list, low volume,” Lori said out into the blue, before she washed her hands to be able to roll some meatballs. Bucky had heard part of her christmas list earlier and he actually liked it. It was mostly older songs, and even better, older versions of the songs, none of the Mariah Carey-shit. He couldn´t handle the newer versions, it was too much pop, or whatever the kids called it.

A lot of the songs were also in swedish, and Bucky wasn´t too mad about that. As an american in the 1920s his geography lessons had been less than detailed. Hell, not all states had been formed when Bucky was born, and not when he was in school either. Bucky had been good in school. He had always been an overachiever, but he had also had an academic interest which he would have pursued had he not inlisted. He chuckled to himself at the thought. It was always strange to imagine the life he would have, was it not for the war. For one, he would be dead, probably by a few years margin. Second he would have most likely found himself a good girl to marry. Maybe that girl would have been Dolores.

He tended not to dwell on what could have been. That had been every therapists recommendation, and so he didn´t. But sometimes, like with the music that was clearly from the 60s, 70s, and 80s, thoughts came wandering. He felt lucky to be a part of the avengers though, because it meant he was isolated. He didn´t have to change too much to fit in with the outside world if he didn´t want to. He didn´t have to listen to modern music because that´s what others did, he could stick with his 20s and 30s jazz.

Bucky looked over to Lori who was humming along to one of the swedish songs that was playing. He wasn´t in any rush to finish his tasks, as it would be better to have the meatballs done first. Almost everything else was already prepared. He decided to help Lori, it would go a bit quicker that way even if she seemed fairly sure with the rolling. He washed his hands before he took his place besides Lori and grabbed some of the meat. He had gone for beef raher than pork, neither Lori, Sam or Wanda liked pork.

They had all of the meat rolled up and lined on a sheet in just a few minutes, Lori had already done a big part of it. Bucky put the tray in the oven and set a timer for 20 minutes. He had a bit of a different approach to meatballs than many others. He always threw them in the oven and then fried them up in some crushed tomatoes. It wasn´t traditionally how meatballs were made in Sweden, because of course he had looked that up.

Lori hummed to herself before she began to sing along with the song that was playing. She was no singer, that was for sure, but she didnt sing for others. Her therapist had asked what her hobbies had been before she was kidnapped and Lori had answered singing so here she was singing, trying to take back what she had liked. Her mother had always sung Christmas songs with her when they were driving during the winter. That had been some of the best times of Lori´s life.

Wanda and Sam came into the kitchen together. They both seemed happy and calm, and Wanda seemed to be a lot warmer. “Hey, lunch should be done in about half an hour or so,” Bucky said and smiled at the two. Sam nodded and patted Wandas shoulder. “I´ll get a fire started in the diningroom, maybe you could set the table Wan?” Sam asked and smiled at them all. Wanda nodded and Lori offered to help her, but Wanda declined, reasoning that Lori had helped Bucky cook. Lori huffed and crossed her arms, ready to argue but Wanda just turned her around and pushed her into Bucky. “Dance with her and make sure she stays out of my way while I set the table,” Wanda told Bucky and left the two in the kitchen.

Bucky managed to catch Lori by the waist and kept her close. “Well, my lady, would you care to dance with me?” He asked and held out his hand for her to take. She took his hand gently and squealed as he pulled her closer and placed his other hand on her waist. Lori had never danced. She had learnt a bit during her time in Hydra, but only enough for one mission. Bucky asked Friday to raise the volume slightly and the two began to dance to the tunes of `Have yourself a merry little christmas`. The Sinatra version. If it was one thing that Bucky had learnt it was that Lori really liked Sinatras voice and found it soothing enough that she often fell asleep with his music playing.

It was very noticable that neither of them were used to dancing or had done it in a long while, but that was alright. They managed to avoid each others toes at least, which they were both happy with. Dancing with Bucky was fun. Lori had never had that much fun. She felt seen for the first time. The timer for the oven went off behind them and they both sighed. Bucky leaned down and pressed a quick, and soft, kiss to Loris´ lips before he released her to take out the meatballs. Lori stood frozen for a second before she decided to move so she was out of the way.

Bucky got the meatballs and immediatly tossed them into a pot he had prepared with tomato-sauce. He wasn´t sure what spices to toss in so he had gone for paprika, garlic, black pepper, and oregano. He had also shredded some mozzarella beforehand. Again it wasn´t a very traditional thing to have on Christmas, but it was meatballs at least. He turned the pot, which contained water and potatoes, on. Lori stayed out of the way as this was Buckys field now. She jumped up on an empty counter and swung her legs a bit as she watched Bucky work.

The food was prepared to perfection, everyone thought so, apart from Bucky. He was happy with most of it, but he was nervous. He wanted Lori to approve of it so badly. He had done it all for her after all. He wanted her to be able to hold on to some traditions, and if that meant them all eating together for two whole days then so be it. He would also sit through an hour of Donald Duck for Lori if it made her happy.

They all helped each other fix up the last of the lunch and took it out into the dining room. Bucky called out to everyone through Friday and they all gathered in the dining room. Aunt May had arrived just in time for lunch, and Peter had brought Ned as well. Scott and Hope was there, like Bruce and the gods. Lori sat down between Loki and Bucky. She poured herself and Bucky some water and asked wether Loki wanted some or if he was drinking mead. He accepted the water quietly and the whole team began to dig into the food on the table. There was definitely enough for them all.

Conversations were started and ended, but no one was arguing, as if it was a quiet rule. Not even Bruce and Thor argued about what was magic and what was science. Loki was quiet in general apart from when Wanda asked him a few questions abut his powers and how they differed from hers. They hadn´t always seen eye to eye and they hadn´t had a lot of time together to just talk. Lori smiled her way through the lunch. She felt happy, and safe. Safe was the most important, but feeling happy was an amazing experince.

The food was all eaten by half past two. Sam was complaining about how full he was and Wanda was teasing him for it. Bucky was quiet but he looked satisfied and happy. Thor was wondering if there was more food while Loki had picked up his book. Lori sighed happily before she began to clear the table. It was getting close to tv-time but it was always nice to have some stuff cleared up. She grabbed all the plates and got them all to the dishwasher. Bucky helped her of course and they cleared off the table quickly, and then moved to the livingroom with the rest of the team.

Bucky took the two-seat couch and patted the seat besides him to invite Lori, who made her way over to him happily. Sam and Wanda took the other two-seater while the others sprawled out on the third couch or the bean-bags on the floor. Bucky wrapped a blanket around them and pulled Lori into his arms before he asked Friday to play the Donald Duck showing from the swedish television with english subtitles.

Lori curled up to his side and laid her head on his shoulder as the hour-long segment started. She was quite invested in it in general and laughed a bit as the music was all in swedish. She could definitely recognize a lot of it from her childhood but there was also some new parts she didn´t know off. even when she was a kid there would always be new parts to the show, seeing as Disney were growing. Some of the original scenes had been shortened and some were completely new, from recent movies.

She was close to falling asleep by the end of the hour, as a mix of the food and just the calmness she was experiencing. She was happy. No other word could describe what she was feeling. Content maybe, but in general it was a positive experience and she was very glad she got to share this moment with the people that had saved her and helped her. She was especially happy that Bucky felt like spending the time with her, and her crazy traditions. He truly had done a lot for her in her months at the compound, and part of her regretted how she had treated him in the beginning. Especially when she broke his nose.

Bucky stroke her arm lazily. She was warm and soft under his touch, but he was cautious. He knew her strength, and part of him felt responsible. But he wasn´t with her out of pity, and he hadn´t enjoyed their kiss out of pity. The only thing he hated, was seeing what Hyda had destroyed within her. Much like how they destroyed him. Stripped him of his personality and replaced it with the one of a killer. While he was uncertain about the fate Lori had planned for her while in Hydra, he was under the impression she didn´t have as many kills under her belt as he did. He sighed softly before he stretched.

His watch showed 4.07 pm and he hummed. “I kind of want to take you out tonight, to a really nice place I usually go to for peace and quiet. How does that sound?” He asked quietly into Lori´s ear. She looked back and up at him and nodded. Her face was heating up quite a bit at the thought but she would love to spend a larger amount of time alone with Bucky. “Do you mean like a date or just dinner?” She asked and bit her bottom lip. Bucky chuckled softly and nodded. “Well, I was thinking of it as a date. But, changes can be made,” Bucky said but Lori shook her head. “No, no, I´d be very happy to go on a date with you, as long as it stops snowing,” she mumbled and looked to the outside to the darkness that faced them.

The team went their separate ways. The gods were going to Aasgard. Well, new Aasgard, to celebrate the night there. Wanda and Sam had plans on going out on their own, and Bruce was off to help some of the local hospitals with some new equipment. Peter and May were opting to just stay in and take a nice evening together. Lori got to her room to get ready. She had asked Wanda for help. She had no talent in putting together an outfit, which was why she was mostly in sweats or cargo pants. A black shirt went well with that obviously, and that´s why her warderobe looked just as dark as the vast space.

Wanda came to her room half an hour after Lori, and knocked before she opened the door. “Okay, let´s get you dolled up, I brought three dresses, two skirts, and some blouses that you can choose from. I also know you own two pairs of black jeans, one pair untorn, that I would recommend you keep in mind,” she explained as she placed the clothes on Loris bed. Of course she noticed it was made like it had been the day before, and she quickly deduced it hadn´t been slept in at all and that Lori had spent the night with Bucky. She didn´t mention it though, it was none of her business.

“Do you want to borrow a bracelet or some earrings. Maybe a necklace?” Wanda asked as she went through Loris wardrobe in search of a few nice shirts and her jeans, which she had realized Lori wasn´t wearing. “So, do you know where Bucky´s taking you?” She asked and looked over at Lori. Lori just shook her head and sighed. “He said a nice, quiet place,” she replied and sighed softly. “That makes me want to bet on jeans and a nice shirt or blouse. Maybe I can borrow the gray one from you?” She asked and looked to Wanda. “Of course you can borrow it. Are you wearing heels or just sneakers? Or are you going for like proper boots?” Wanda asked and frowned knowing Lori favored the boots over almost anything. Lori shrugged and looked to her warderobe, and her small selection of shoes.

Lori walked over and picked up her boots. They were simple matte black ones, but she really liked them. They were very comfortable. And they would keep her warm through the snow. “I´m going with the boots today, so jeans it is. I think the gray blouse would look great with them and then I´ll just throw on my black coat on top of that,” Lori explained and pulled everything out to line it up on the bed. “Are you sure? You won´t get cold when you take the coat off then?” Wanda asked and frowned. Lori chuckled a bit at Wandas worrying expression. “I´m a super-soldier Wan. I run warm, just like Bucky. We aren´t as affected by the cold,” she smiled and shrugged. “Plus I´m guessing I´m getting some warm food and possibly coffee or tea after that, so either way I should be fine,” she added quickly.

She really liked the outfit they had picked out. The jeans and blouse fit her perfectly and she pulled on some socks before she pulled on her boots. Wanda walked over to her nightstand and picked up the necklace Lori had lying there. “Wear this as well,” She said and helped Lori put it on. It was quite squiggly and silver but it was still very simple and went with pretty mcuh whatever Lori was wearing. Lori turned around when she was done and held out her hands. “Well, do you think this will be okay?” She asked Wanda and frowned. Wanda smiled and nodded happily. “You look great Lori,” she replied and skipped over to Lori to hug her. Wanda didn´t mention make-up as Lori didn´t wear make-up, ever. She found it unneccessary, seeing as she always got sweaty on missions. And she didn´t understand the whole deal anyways, there was just too much of it.

Back in her day, back in the 60s, when Lori would have been wearing makeup, the things she used was eyeliner and mascara and that was it. Now there was so much more, and so many different versions of essentially the same product. She had felt so confused while walking into a CVS, and seeing the whole aisle of makeup. It had freaked her out to begin with, not that she cared if anyone else liked it, or used that much makeup. She was just worried that that was the supposedly new normal.

She didn´t put on any makeup for the date either. It was still snowing and that was a good way to get runny mascara, which wasn´t a very attractive look. Wanda skipped out of her room to get ready for her own dinner date. Lori watched herself in the mirror and took a deep breath. The date would either be wonderful or it would be awful, she was hoping for the first option. She took a deep breath before she left her room to go look for Bucky.

He wasn´t far away, waiting in the living room. They were matching, but as always great minds think alike, and Lori was surprised to see him in dark pants, a lighter shirt and a leather jacket. She walked over to him and smiled softly. “You look great,” she said quietly as she began to pull her jacket on so they could leave immediately. Bucky looked up at her and let his eyes wander for a few seconds before he smiled back at her.

“YOU look great. Let´s take one of the nicer cars,” he said and held out his right hand for Lori to hold. She took it happily and intwined their fingers as Bucky led them down to the garage. He had a love for the very beautiful Range Rover the government had bought them. It was sleek, black, and frankly Bucky liked it for all the horsepowers it had. It was also a great car for the winter. He opened the door for Lori and helped her in before he walked over to the drivers side and got in.

It was manual. Bucky approved off that. Not that it mattered a whole lot to him anyways, he didn´t even have a valid drivers license. Sam had pestered him about it the past year but Bucky just couldn´t be bothered, plus he was well recognized as an avenger so cops didn´t stop him. Despite Bucky missing a lisence, Lori preferred his driving over anyone elses. He was always safe, and always kept to the speed-limits. Unless a situation needed him to exceed them.

Lori curled up in the seat and turned the heat on. Not because she was cold but rather because it was comfortable. Bucky glanced over at her every now and then as he drove and he eventually reached over and placed his hand on her leg. Lori smiled and placed her own hand over Buckys. Sure it was his metal-hand, and yes it was a bit cold, but Lori wasn´t bothered by it.

Loris life with Hydra had been hard, rough, and cold, but she had always found comfort in the strict schedule she had to follow. It had changed since then. It was the same shape, but so very different in structure. She couldn´t get to the metal nerves of it and it still bothered her a bit, she just didn´t know why.

Bucky parked the car by a diner which looked to be ancient. He got out of the car and got the door for Lori. “I used to visit this diner back in the 30s and 40s, before the war,” he explained and held out his arm for Lori to hook her own with. She did just that and stayed close to Bucky. “It looks very cozy,” she said softly as she followed him inside. Bucky introduced Lori to the owner, an 80 year old woman who seemed to be slighty too old to run a diner, but she was very nice and active for her age.

They got a table in the far corner from the door and a menu each. They weren´t as sticky as Lori would have expected from a diner. Of course Lori had a preset thought of american diners, but if this was as old as Bucky claimed it to be, she was excited. She looked through the menu but fairly early decided on a burger. It was simple, and no one could make a bad burger in Loris mind.

The old lady returned to take their orders. Bucky ordered a burger as well and diet sodas for them both. Lori watched him, and tilted her head as she leaned her elbows on the table. The lady left them to it for now but returned a few minutes later with their drinks. Not a word had been exchnaged between the two supersoldiers during that time. Once they had their drinks and were properly settled in Bucky let out a soft sigh. “I told Steve to take Peggy here when we were fighting the war, little did I know he wouldn´t come back home. And even less did I know he´d return to her from the 2020s,” he said as he turned the glass in his hand.

“You used to come here before the war with him, didn´t you?” Lori asked and smiled a bit. She really couldn´t imagine Bucky in the 30s and 40s, but she still tried. How different he must have been. How different everything must have been back then. Everything was very different for Lori, just from the beginning of the 90s til the 2020s. She despised some parts of it, but felt lucky to have been able to experience other parts.  

Bucky nodded to her question and crossed his arms. “Yeah, the lil punk used to come here with me. Usually I tried to set up double dates for us, but he was never interested. All he wanted to do was serve,” Bucky explained and looked over to a wall of pictures. Lori followed his gaze and saw a bunch of black and white pictures. Some which clearly resembled Bucky and Steve before the serum. She was very thankful for her enhanced eyesight, which made it easier to see the pictures without having to move. “His father died before he was born, right?” Lori asked and glanced over at Bucky once more. She was trying to tread lightly knowing how important that time, and memories were to Bucky.

“Mhm, he died in the first war, two months before Steve was born. His mom used to say she was lucky that I had entered Steves life. She was working a lot to make sure they were both in a good position, and it helped if Steve stayed at my place,” he said and smiled at the memories. He didn´t have a lot of them, but some of the early memories had come back. “My family had money, I lost my ma when I was a kid, and pa went when I was a teenager. By then it was just me and Becca,” Bucky continued.

Lori listened with great interest. There was only so much she could deduce from a file. She had learned that stories were told, not written in a file. She took a sip of her soda as she listened to Bucky. He spoke of the 30s and 40s with such care. “Becca was sent off to some boarding school, and I didn´t get to see her before I was enrolled. I´ve seen her later on in life. She turned 100, four years ago and I was there to celebrate her, but she passed away a year later. I don´t keep in contact with her kids, it doesn´t feel right,” he added and bit his lip. He wasn´t interested in getting to know his family.

“I can understand that. My cousins have reached out to me, and their kids as well, but I… I just couldn´t bear to face them,” Lori said and sighed. “But, I´m eternally greatful for the family I´ve found with you at the compound.” She said quickly and gave Bucky a soft smile as a reassurance. “Yeah, I was very lucky to be able to join Steve and Sam for a few years. Even if Sam is a pain in the ass he´s still my best friend,” Bucky said and reached out for Loris hand. Lori took his hand quickly and smiled.

The food arrived just a few minutes later, and despite it being on the standard diner plates it looked amazing. And it smelled amazing too. “This looks great,” she told the old lady and got her hand back from Bucky to dig into her burger. She had always been eating the burger before fries. The burger was the main meal after all, and the fries were just a side. Sure she loved fries, but not as much as she loved a proper burger. Bucky started with two fries before he picked up his burger and turned it upside down. Lori watched him and raised an eyebrow but turned her burger as well before she took a big bite of it.

She moaned softly at the taste of it and closed her eyes. Everything about the burger was just perfect. It was savory, and round in flavor. The dressing was delicious and went very well with the pickled red onion. “Okay, from now on, I trust you wherever you take me on a date,” Lori said once she was finished chewing and swallowing her bite. Bucky chuckled at her and shook his head. “This is honestly the only good place I know. I´ve refrained from going to Manhattan or popular New York in general,” he explained and took another bite of his burger.

Lori continued to eat and a few bites in she coughed slightly as a piece of her burger got stuck in her throat. She groaned softly as she swallowed it down with a few sips of her soda. “Fuck, I should know better than to chug down food, shouldn´t I?” She asked and laughed. Bucky laughed with her and reached over with his napkin to wipe some dressing off of her chin. “Hey, I can´t blame you. The burgers are amazing,” he said and smiled softly. He finished his burger in three more bites, and Lori was amazed at how much he could fit into his mouth.

“What´cha staring at doll?” He asked between bites and leaned back as he swallowed his last bite. “Oh, nothing, just a real cute guy,” she teased him and smirked as she watched him. She finished her burger just in time for the old lady to come back and asked how they found their meals. They both thanked the old lady and asked her to send their compliments to the chef. “Well, my husband will be very happy to hear it. You kids are welcome here any time, we love seeing Bucky here, and it´s so nice to see him bring a lady with him,” she said and patted Loris shoulder.

Lori felt her face heat up and looked down at her hands. She wasn´t embarassed, but she felt as if she was getting praise she didn´t deserve. “She is the only one I feel comfortable enough to bring here,” Bucky explained. Lori looked up at him and bit her lip. “Oh, so you´re the only one who can beat him up, when that is necessary?” The old lady asked and placed a hand on her hip while giving Bucky a stern look. Bucky blushed and coughed to himself. “I´ll have you know that I´m a very nice man ma`am, no need for a beating here,” he said quickly. Lori couldn´t help but laugh and shake her head. “Don´t worry ma`am, he already knows I´ll win, I´ve done it once before,” Lori said and glanced to Bucky.

Bucky groaned as he thought back to the day and moment Lori was referring to. He had known Lori was like him, but he had thought she would go easy on him. Or that he´d have the upperhand, with his metal arm and his years of experience and training, but no. He had pushed her over the edge with his teasing and she had broken his nose and bruised him up good. “Yeah, and I was a mouthbreather for a week, that´s your favorite story to tell, but I´m sure Mrs. Green has better things to take of right now,” Bucky said and gritted his teeth a bit. He did not like to be ridiculed, and that story really wasn´t a suitable date-story.

With a sigh Lori instead dug into her fries. “Sorry, but you were the first person I got to fight, and also the first person I touched voluntarily after I came out of the Cryo,” Lori said softly. She didn´t mean to embarass Bucky at all, it was a good memory to her, despite hurting a person she had come to hold very dear. Bucky ate his fries in silence but hummed in approval of her apology. “I know doll, it´s just… I was undefeated until you came along, so my ego was bruised,” he said and frowned. Lori gave him a small smile and reached out to take his hand. “I get it, but hey, I´ll let you win next time, alright? I could use a more fair challenge than Wanda anyways,” she teased him and moved her hand out of his before he could smack it playfully.

“She is quite the unfair fight, isn´t she?” Bucky asked with a chuckle. Lori nodded and laughed. “But it´s great practice, she really keeps me on my toes when we train,” Lori said and shrugged while she polished off her fries. Bucky did the same and leaned back patting his stomach. “Please don´t tell me you´re better than sharing a slice of apple pie with me and have some coffee or tea?” Lori said and smirked at him. “Oh, I´m better. I suggest we get a slice each, and bring them back to the compound for a movie, I can even drive us past a Starbucks if you´d like. I know how much you like their drinks,” he teased Lori.

Lori lit up in front off Bucky and nodded eagerly. “Oh, yes please, I want a peppermint hot chocolate so bad,” she said and clapped her hands excitedly. Bucky chuckled again and ordered their apple pies when Mrs. Green came back. He also brought out his wallet to be ready to pay. Their pies came back in a cute little box with a bow on top. “It´s on the house today kids, just come back every month, alright?” Mrs. Green said and smiled at them both. Lori thanked the old lady a few times and once more complimented the food.

Bucky stood up and reached out to take Loris hand while she grabbed their to-go box. He stepped closer to her and pecked her lips. “Thank you for coming out with me, I always love spending time with you,” he mumbled against her soft lips. Lori smiled against his lips and pressed hers to his once more. “No, thank you Buck, I haven´t really ever been on a date, but this was just perfect,” she said softly with a smile. She was happy, and it showed. Bucky led her out to the car and opened the door for her. “Keep the pie safe, or I´ll have you pay for it later,” Bucky teased Lori who protectively wrapped her arms around the box. He laughed at her and shook his head before he closed the door behind her and got behind the wheel.

“So, Starbucks, and then back home to a movie?” Bucky asked as he backed out of the parking lot. Lori looked out the window at the snow that came down in beautiful flakes. It had eased up quite a bit while they were at dinner. Bucky drove them for a little while before Lori asked him to stop. “You brought your mobilephone, right?” She asked as Bucky parked the car by the side of the road. He nodded with a frown. “Could you take a picture of me, in the snow?” She asked excitedly and opened the car door.

Bucky nodded once more and got out of the car as well. “Alright, let´s do it, but quickly, it´s windy and I really want some coffee,” He confessed and got his phone from his pocket. He looked at the background and directed Lori to a place she could stand. Seeing as Bucky hadn´t turned the car off the headlights would work as their lightsource. “Okay, now hold up your hands as if you´re trying to catch the snow,” he insisted and held the phone up to snap a few pictures, from which Lori could choose her favorite.

Lori rushed back to the car and got in blowing some warm air onto her hands. Sure, both her and Bucky could withstand colder temperatures for a longer time, but it was still uncomfortable to be in. “Okay, let´s get drinks and then go home. This is enough nature for me today,” Lori laughed and turned the seat heat on for them both.

[viktorfm]

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends. 

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3 

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but. 

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps. 

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

[artificialqueens]

You Know You Love Me, Chapter 3 (Branjie) - Kiki

A/N: Here’s chapter 3! To anyone who liked or commented either here or on AO3, I love you more than words can describe! Hopefully chapter 4 will be finished by the weekend but for now, please enjoy chapter 3! 

Summary: Brooke Lynn Hytes returns to New York City after being shipped off to boarding school and her ex best friend, Vanessa Mateo, isn’t too happy about it… which would be bad enough, but add in the fact that they’re lowkey in love with each other. (Gossip Girl AU) 

Vanessa usually loved going to school. She loved spending time with her friends and judging the other girls’ outfits, but most importantly, she loved the power that she held over everyone. So when Vanessa wasn’t feeling her absolute best, everyone noticed.

It didn’t help when the reason for Vanessa’s sour mood was eating lunch in the same cafeteria as her, just three tables down.

The outdoor cafeteria of Constance Billiard School for Girls was usually a pretty relaxed place. Students would pick at their lunch, rush to finish their homework assignments at the last minute or check the latest Gossip Girl blasts.

Vanessa, Silky, Akeria and Plastique sat at the centre table. Silky and Akeria were gossiping loudly about Silky’s latest date with a lacrosse player while Plastique was nodding along trying to hide the confusion on her face. On a normal day, Vanessa would jump at the chance of roasting Silky’s choice in men while Akeria cackled alongside her.

After being asked by Akeria approximately eight times if she was okay, and then being asked a further five times by Silky, Vanessa had enough.

“I AM FINE!” she yelled, causing several heads to turn and look at her with wide eyes. Vanessa abruptly packed up her things and stormed out of the school, leaving her friends concerned for about one minute before they went right back to talking about Silky’s dating life.

Three tables down from them, Brooke watched with concern as she witnessed Vanessa storm out for the second time that week. She thought about opening up her phone and texting her to make sure that she was alright, but she quickly realised that it would probably cause more harm than good. Plus, she didn’t really know if they were on speaking terms at the moment.

Brooke was sitting with Nina West, who was the daughter of one of New York’s most successful and influential bankers. Their parents had been friends for years which meant that Brooke and Nina had no choice but to become close friends since they had spent a lot of time growing up together. Those days consisted of spending most of their time in Brooke or Nina’s bedroom while their parents got wine drunk downstairs.

Nina was a year older than Brooke and in Brooke’s eyes, that made the older girl seem a lot wiser than all of the other people she knew. They didn’t really hang out much in their spare time, apart from when they had to go to an event that both of their families were attending, but Brooke was always able to confide in Nina.

It wasn’t a secret that Brooke Lynn was gay. Her multiple flings from two years ago had been posted all over Gossip Girl as soon as they had happened and no one had really cared. Sure, guys still hit on her all the time and told her she was “too pretty to be gay”, but they would usually leave her alone once she started to yell at them.

Nina knew about Brooke and Vanessa’s history, how Vanessa was still very much in the closet to everyone apart from Brooke and how it didn’t seem like she wanted to change that anytime soon. So when Brooke returned from boarding school, Nina had immediately noticed that something was off between the two girls.

“So what was that all about?” Nina nodded her head in the direction of the gates that Vanessa had just stormed out of.

“What makes you think I’d know?” Brooke mumbled, her eyes looking down at her salad bowl instead of up at Nina.

“Don’t try that shit with me, B. You know that I know everything that happened with you two last year and I know how beat up she was when you left, so what’s changed?” Brooke loved Nina, but she also hated Nina’s no-nonsense approach to life, especially when it was Brooke’s life that was in question.

“She hates me.”

“I’m one million percent sure that she doesn’t hate you.”

“We’re not talking to each other and she stormed out on me when we tried to talk things out, okay?” Brooke could feel the sadness inside her growing the more she talked about what happened with Vanessa out loud. She hated any feelings of sadness in her life and she especially hated when she couldn’t go and talk to Vanessa about them.

“Do you want things to work out?” Nina asked inquisitively with a raised eyebrow. Brooke looked at her with a frown on her face.

“What are you talking about? Why would I not want it to work out?” Brooke was outraged by Nina’s accusation. The only thing she wanted in life right now was for Vanessa to be by her side. Even if it meant stopping whatever weird relationship they had going on and settling for just being friends.

“Well, let’s be real here, Brooke. You never know what you want. Maybe you’re clinging onto the past and it’s not letting you work things out logically,” Nina replied while picking up a piece of sushi with her chopsticks and placing it into her mouth. “If you wanna be with her, tell her. If you wanna be just friends, then that’s okay too. But she deserves to know.”

Brooke nodded slowly and they sat in silence for a few moments. The love that Brooke felt for Vanessa seemed to hit her all at once and she was overwhelmed by it. All of the things that could go wrong started to flood her mind. What if she told Vanessa that she loved her but Vanessa didn’t feel the same way? What if Vanessa loved her back but wasn’t ready to come out so they couldn’t date? What if Vanessa hated her so much for leaving that she didn’t want to be her friend anymore, let alone her girlfriend?

Brooke took a few deep breaths in and out to try and calm her anxiety like her therapist had taught her. Nina placed a hand on her shoulder sympathetically and squeezed it.

“Listen…I didn’t mean to get you all up in your head. But maybe it’s where you need to be right now. Work things out in your head before you try to work things out with Vanessa. Take your time, as much time as you need, and when you’re ready you two can sit down and have an adult conversation about what you both want to do moving forward.”

“You’re right, Nina…thank you.” Brooke smiled weakly at her longest friend as she started to pack up her things. Nina followed her actions and they both walked to their afternoon classes together in silence as Brooke began to overthink what her next move was going to be.

—

1 year ago

The elevator doors opened as they reached the floor of the Mateo’s apartment, Vanessa immediately stepped out and stomped over to Dorota and threw her school bag into the waiting woman’s arms. Vanessa’s phone was glued to her hand and had been all day. She’d been calling and texting Brooke for hours now and hadn’t gotten a single reply.

As she walked up the large staircase to her bedroom, she tapped on Brooke’s name for the 34th time that day and heard the familiar dial tone yet again. She rolled her eyes at the phone not being answered and started to type her 42nd text message:

To: Brooke Lynn Hytes

BROOKE WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU??? CALL ME BACK!!!

After she changed out of her school uniform and attempted to finish some school work for around twenty minutes, she slammed her notebook closed with a dramatic sigh. Yeah, the homework was due tomorrow but she couldn’t get her brain to focus on anything but Brooke Lynn, so what was the point in continuing it?

As she began to contemplate all of the reasons that Brooke could be ignoring her for what felt like the millionth time, she decided to call the only person that might know where Brooke was: her mom. Vanessa never had to call Brooke’s room at The Palace, the blonde’s phone usually by her side twenty-four seven.

“Hello?” Brooke’s mom answered the phone and Vanessa breathed a sigh of relief that she didn’t have to speak to a member of staff and be put on hold. She wasn’t sure her patience could handle it.

“Mrs Hytes, hi, it’s Vanessa.” She blurted out all too quickly, sounding anything but calm and collected like she had intended to.

“Hello Vanessa, darling, is everything okay?”

“Not really…uh, is Brooke Lynn at home? It’s just that she didn’t turn up to school and—” Vanessa began to explain herself but was cut off by Mrs Hytes.

“I should’ve known that’s why you were calling…” Mrs Hytes paused before taking a deep breath in. “Vanessa, there’s no easy way for me to say this but Brooke Lynn and I have decided she needs a bit of time away from Manhattan for a while.”

“Time away? What do you mean, like, a vacation?” Vanessa instantly pictured Brooke laying on a beach on some tropical island with another girl and was instantly riddled with jealousy.

“No, not a vacation… she’s been enrolled in a boarding school in Connecticut for this school year. We’ll re-evaluate whether she will be coming back next year closer to the time.” Vanessa felt her heart shatter into a million pieces in her chest. She couldn’t find the words to reply which left a bit of an awkward pause on the telephone call. “Vanessa? Are you still there?”

“Yeah…I’m just, confused…she didn’t tell me she was going anywhere.”

“Well, it was a pretty last-minute decision, but we both decided it was for the best. She ended up being pretty excited about the whole thing.” Mrs Hytes said, not caring that she was lying to Vanessa.

Vanessa felt her heart sink. She couldn’t believe that Brooke had left without telling her, and not only that, had been excited about it. All she could think about in that moment was how awful she felt. She was just starting to come to terms with how deeply she felt for Brooke and in one day, both of their lives had changed. She felt a single tear roll down her cheek as she hung up on Mrs Hytes, not saying goodbye.

She crawled into bed, got under the soft, luxurious covers and immediately started to cry. The last time she cried that hard was when her childhood dog died, which kind of summed up how she was feeling: like Brooke Lynn was gone forever. Like she was never coming back. She hadn’t even said goodbye to Vanessa. Not even a phone call or a text.

Vanessa didn’t know if she’d ever get over this pain.

They weren’t even together, so why did she feel like she’d just been dumped?

—

Now:

After school had finished, Brooke went straight to Central Park. The park had always been her favourite place to go and reflect on everything that was going on in her life. Usually, she used it as a safe place to escape to when her mom brought home yet another new boyfriend. Sometimes, she went there when her dad had promised to come and visit but unsurprisingly had cancelled at the very last minute because of “work”. She would take her journal or a book and just escape her life for a little bit.

The hours passed by but if someone asked Brooke how long she had been sitting there for, she wouldn’t be able to answer the question. She was sitting on a bench with her legs outstretched in front of her. It was raining heavily around her but as the bench was under a large bridge, she was protected. She was so engrossed in her book that she didn’t even notice the person walking up to her.

“Whenever something’s bothering you, I can always find you here.” The voice startled Brooke but she was even more surprised when she looked up and realised that it was Vanessa. She wanted to smile and wrap her arms around the shorter girl, but she tried her best to fight her instincts and hold back.

“You here for another catfight?” Brooke asked as she stood up, facing Vanessa and looking straight into her eyes. Vanessa didn’t reply and broke eye contact with Brooke, opting to look at the ground instead. After a few short moments had passed, she reached into her purse and took out a white envelope with Brooke’s name on it. Brooke froze and it felt like her heart beat stopped momentarily as she nervously looked at the envelope in Vanessa’s hands.

“What’s that?” Brooke asked as she internally debated whether she wanted to know the answer to her own question or not. What if Vanessa wanted nothing to do with her anymore, wanted Brooke out of her life permanently and never wanted to see her again, and this is her way of telling her? Vanessa wouldn’t write that in a letter, would she? Brooke hoped that she’d at least say it to her face.

“It’s a letter…I wrote it to you when you were in boarding school but I never sent it.” Vanessa explained as she opened the envelope and carefully unfolded the page. Brooke started to fidget with her hands as Vanessa started to read the letter out loud.

“Dear Brooke,

My world is falling apart and you’re the only one who would understand…but you’re not here.

My father left my mother for a 31-year-old model. A male model. I feel like screaming because I don’t have anyone to talk to. You’re gone, my dad’s gone, my mom’s acting weird…

Where are you? Why don’t you call? Why did you leave without saying goodbye? You’re supposed to be my best friend. You said you’d always be here with me.

I don’t know what to do without you here…I don’t know what my life is supposed to be like without you in it. I miss you so much.

Love, vanessa”

Vanessa finished reading the letter with watery eyes. She was trying her absolute hardest to keep her tears in. Brooke, on the other hand, had large tears rolling down her face as she heard the pain that Vanessa had been in because of her. Pain that she caused, even though she didn’t do it intentionally.

“Why didn’t you send it?” Brooke asked quietly, her voice hoarse as she tried to stop herself from openly sobbing.

“What would you have done if I had sent it? You knew. You knew what was happening and you didn’t even call.” Vanessa argued, now with her tears pouring down her face as she tried not to let her anger take over her body once again.

“I didn’t know what to say or how to even be your friend after everything that was going on between us, V… I’m so sorry.” Brooke reached out to take Vanessa’s hand in hers and silently thanked all the gods in the universe when Vanessa let her and didn’t flinch or drag her hand away.

“Nina called me earlier…after I left school this afternoon. She told me things haven’t been so easy for you either. I guess your families been going through a rough time too.” Brooke nodded slowly, agreeing with what Vanessa said and Vanessa wrapped her arms around Brooke’s neck, letting her letter fall to the floor as she finally was able to hug the girl that she missed for so long again.

Brooke’s arm wrapped around Vanessa’s waist as she buried her head in her neck. She immediately felt at peace. Like nothing bad could happen to her or Vanessa when they were in each other’s arms. Brooke hugged her tighter as she decided that she never wanted this to end.

Vanessa tried to look around discreetly to make sure that no one was watching them. With Gossip Girl and her minions running around, she could never be too safe. She had seen a man and a teenage girl with red hair walking around on her way to the park, but she didn’t recognise either of them and the park seemed to be empty.

Vanessa pulled back slightly and Brooke followed her lead. They were staring deeply into each other’s eyes and Vanessa couldn’t help but bring her eyes to Brooke’s lips. She let out a shaky breath and decided that she had waited over a year to see Brooke again and she couldn’t hold back anymore. She leaned in slowly and their lips met, Brooke reciprocating Vanessa’s advances immediately.

The rain poured down loudly around them and they still had red eyes and mascara stains on their faces from the crying, but in that moment, neither of the girls would have changed a thing. They continued kissing for what felt like hours and for the first time in an entire year, both girls felt as if they were entirely calm.

But unfortunately for them, what they didn’t see was the flash of a camera phone going off just in front of them, hidden by the fog that the rain had brought.

—

Spotted in Central Park: Brooke and Vanessa finally talking things out. Could an Upper East Side peace accord be far off? So what will it be: besties, or enemies? We all know one nation can’t have two queens. What happens next? Only time will tell.

XOXO, Gossip Girl 

[asherlockstudy]

Did you end up listening to links EB? I'm curious about your thoughts

Warning, this post is extensively about religion, the concept of sin, trauma, self- torment. Please skip if you feel uncomfortable with any of these being mentioned. Also, this post is my personal interpretation of events discussed in the last EBs. I believe I am not exceeding any boundaries but keep in mind all the same that I do make assumptions here.  

Oookay… where to start and what to say…Even though I’d read many MB comments about Link’s EB and I was prepared, I was much more shaken by the end of it than I had expected. I still don’t know how to start so I’ll connect this a bit to the guess in my previous post. Link was indeed more absolute in his beliefs and thoughts than Rhett but it was for the reason I considered the least probable: he’s leaning away from Christianity / religion more than Rhett. His reaction to it involves anger and disappointment. 

I’ll just address this: I understand there are many valid reasons for which they say they haven’t experienced trauma associated with their religion and its practices but this is 99% not true. Perhaps they don’t say it because they are still processing it, they are just now realising it or haven’t yet. Sometimes when you’re bursting with emotions, especially toxic, you can’t see the truth easily. On the other hand, maybe they don’t want to share with us their trauma and this is perfectly normal. Most people wouldn’t share their trauma with the global population. Speaking to your therapist or a close person is already hard enough. What they did means a lot to them so it was a very brave decision. 

When it comes to emotions, self-awareness and confronting oneself, Link is braver than Rhett. That’s why his episode is braver than Rhett’s too. I don’t believe Rhett’s insistence that his pursuit for answers was strictly intellectual. Yes, they acknowledged they are very different personalities but I think Rhett still has trouble accepting or admitting the toll his choices and beliefs early in life could have had in his emotional world for decades. Link exposed him a little, mentioning several times that Rhett would discuss with him their similar concerns that were often largely irrelevant to the Evolution and the accuracy of the events described in the Bible. You can hear that Rhett is sometimes hesitant to participate a lot to Link’s EB and I respect that. He does not have to say any of this to us after all. He’s not obligated to say as much as Link either.

 As for Link, Link is a person that loathes keeping things buried inside him and yet it seems this is all he ‘s been  doing his entire life. Like I said in my guess, Link’s natural predisposition was not to care all that much about religion as a child but he yearned for guidance (and a father figure) that I am afraid he was deprived of in his household. The reasons Link is so obsessed with systems and organizing is probably because he always felt there was not enough control / order / guidance in his life. He relied on his systems and the most willingly authoritative people he could find: Rhett and, by extension, Rhett’s father. Make no mistake, I’m not condemning Rhett. I hate to say that Rhett was also a victim of his father. Of course, I don’t mean his father wanted to torment his son but simply his parenting was toxic even though he was undoubtedly trying for the best for his family. Rhett was not the one who kicked Link out of his car. The real Rhett was the one who walked back to him. His anger for Link’s “sin” (for fuck’s sake???!!) was his father and all the religious teachings speaking in his ear. Besides, the fact that a 16 year old would feel ashamed on behalf of another teenager and abandon him in the middle of a road because he drank a little alcohol simply shows how much poison was eating Rhett’s insides too without realising it. 

You see, what makes me melancholic is that in this perspective Link and even Rhett sound like they were really innocent children - pure souls. But sometimes when someone is by nature or by circumstances so sensitive / innocent / sheltered / isolated, then whatever attacks them first (i.e extreme religious teachings) can fuck them up very easily. Link was innocent enough that he was convinced that as a baby he had committed serious sins that Jesus sacrificed to save him from specifically. Kid Link felt guilty for things he couldn’t even fathom. He was compelled to maintain a relationship with Jesus (which they were both interpretting almost as a regular, literal one) out  of gratitude for his “””redemption””””. Then he lived in constant fear of what could be perceived as sin by God next. Crying because he had a few drinks. Staying (too) away from Christy because he was more “irresponsible” with his previous girlfriend. (At this point I am really curious what Link considered irresponsible / sinful in a romantic relationship but I am afraid of the answer.) We all understand I hope that this isn’t very different from those monks who have an “unholy” thought and then whip themselves until they pass out, right? The reasoning is the same and it’s self-torment. The irony is I think Link probably was doing a pretty solid job as a Christian (even by conservative standards). He sounds like he had unrealistic expectations about his relationship with God. I sensed that he’s still not completely over this. 

After I learned the truth about their “lost years” I was slightly disappointed because I had this dreamy view of a friendship where one quits his job because the other has artistic visions for both of them. It turns out there was even more devotion and loyalty on Link’s part after all. Link stayed in this religious system basically because Rhett did, because he had so much faith and trust in him and he was repressing himself because “surely Rhett is right and it’s just that I am the insufficient one again”. My understanding is that the first signs of Rhett’s scepticism was something Link desperately hoped for for years against all odds. It’s mindblowing for me that Link started distancing himself from the church only after Rhett’s doubts were multiplying and he started being open about them. The amount of respect and trust he has for Rhett could probably be found in novels. 

In order to make a full circle, all this makes it obvious once more that there is trauma - maybe severe - involved. I mean, these incidents alone are traumatic enough and now imagine everything they have not told us. What’s more, Link sounded like there was trauma involved. So did Rhett. For more proof, just watch today’s GMM where Terry prays for Link. Notice Link’s clear discomfort. He felt bad but he didn’t want to make it awkward for poor unsuspecting Terry who was just trying to make a joke. This shows though how easily Link is triggered - Terry clearly pushed all the wrong buttons there - and that means trauma. I don’t have the slightest doubt that Link was 100% sincere when he said a big part of it was his frustration that people dear to him could not be accepted by the Church he was a member of but, let’s be real, it’s a whoooole different thing realising some stuff and making calm decisions to stand by your non-privileged friends and reevaluate your choices than actually almost having a panic attack at the thought of following your family inside a building that happens to be a church. This hints to a personal wound, it is an instictual response for self-protection. Also, we know how adamant Link is to not disappoint and keep the family as united as possible - it is uncharacteristic that he wanted to make a different choice that day instead of, say, go in there with them and simply stand indifferent and not participate. 

They are healing right now. Despite what Link said, I feel they both still yearn very much for a higher force, an almighty spirit. They just need it to be unconditionally loving and accepting and just. Their spiritual journey is not over. 

[cohentm]

✮     ∷     ╰  𝖈𝖔𝖍𝖊𝖓  &  𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖜  :  

a connection  /  plot masterlist  .

              oof hey babies! i’m making this post so y’all know exactly how i’m breaking down the plots i have so far. i jotted down fulfilled connections, followed by the people i know i’m still in the midst of plotting with ( labeled “tba,” will be updated once we’ve decided on a backstory ), & at the end i listed some wanted connection ideas! even if you see your character on this list, though, and you’re like miss bri.... i want to change / add to / alter / etc that paragraph u wrote... especially if u see a wanted connection and you’re like whew i kinda want that now.... puhlease lmk. i’m down for absolutely anything & everything. mwah. x

𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖋𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘.

parker  ,  ride or die  .  

these two could be a tag team duo if they wanted to be--and practically are when it comes down to it. cohen isn’t scared to get into a fight just because parker’s already there. parker’s hotheadedness and cohen’s will to throw a punch have been melding since the earliest of days, when parker was getting into abrupt locker room fights with their own teammates, even. cohen, being the type who can’t avoid starting shit with those same teammates, never found himself pooling more blame into parker’s bucket. instead, cohen sympathizes the only way he knows how: by holding out his hand and letting parker know that cohen doesn’t need a rhyme or reason to have parker’s back. for cohen nowadays, it’s just on sight. 

olivia  ,  meeting in the middle  /  opposites attract  .

the truth is, olivia should absolutely hate cohen, and cohen should absolutely hate olivia. she’s all warmth & sunlight and he’s all hasty reactions & tunnel vision. but for some reason, olivia has managed to penetrate his demeanor without even trying. he tries to be marginally “better” whenever he crosses her path. when they speak, he finds himself thinking things out a fraction deeper before he throws the whole idea / person / situation in the garbage like the pessimist / self-acclaimed “realist” he is. at parties, he’s the first to jump into a fight, but with olivia’s soft touch, he hesitates. he doesn’t know what it is about her, but she makes himself second guess himself ( often for the better ).

finn  ,  chaotic neutral  &  neutral evil friendship  .

if there’s one person cohen can stand for extended periods of time, it’s finn. finn’s chaotic neutral personality melds with cohen’s neutral evil personality seamlessly. oftentimes, finn and cohen are the duo at the party nodding at each other from across the room because a situation is escalating and cohen’s already rolling up his sleeves prepping to knock someone out for the hell of it. no matter what, finn’s a non-team member cohen’s constantly catching himself leaning on a little. he doesn’t feel like he has to watch his mouth around finn, let alone feel guilty for something like a consistently dirty car ( LXFMDFG ), which is a refreshing feeling cohen doesn’t often run into.

leo  ,  harsh truth-tellers  .

it isn’t uncommon for cohen to bump into leo, given his record for getting called off the field. coach tended to send him to the locker room with a physical therapist just to hide the fact that what cohen was actually getting called off for was excessive anger during a game. leo’s a hardass just like cohen, though, which makes speaking to her simultaneously easier and harder--since she’s bound to knock heads with him, but also give it back just the way he takes it. if there’s one thing cohen’s an expert at in their tedious relationship, though, it’s judging leo for all she’s worth. part of him loves the fact that she keeps herself so upright, after all, so when she’s simping hard and cohen feels she’s dwelling or losing track of herself just to appease people who treat her like shit, cohen’s never been afraid to let her know. this gives their relationship a rocky little twist, but cohen doesn’t shy from the truth.

summer  ,  no strings flirtationship  (  ft. mild to severe seemingly unrequited pining  )  .

summer and cohen have always been oddly close in a way that cohen isn’t close with anyone else. in high school, in a dramatic effort to push summer away after too many a repeated fling, cohen invited summer to his chaotic home. however, poised as she was, she remained entirely unphased by his chaotic living situation & family. since then, cohen has felt more uncomfortably comfortable around summer than he has around anyone else. she continuously manages to seep into his life all on her own. they sleep together casually on occasion, often fight “playfully” in an effort to egg each other on, and tend to open up to each other entirely unprecedently.

clara  ,  ex-girlfriend circa cohen’s sophomore year of college ( two years ago )  &  family friends  .

cohen and clara have been linked via their love for each other’s sibling since high school. clara was always best friends with his sister natalie, and he was always best friends with her brother cam. although clara was a consistent aspect in cohen’s life, they never got together until clara’s senior year of high school, which was subsequently cohen’s sophomore year of college. cohen was convinced he’d make it with her ( which is a rarity in & of itself ) much longer than they actually ended up making it, since cam died a year into their official relationship, sending both cohen and clara spiralling in entirely separate directions. 

renee  ,  PLOTTING ENSUING  !  TBA  .

tyler  ,  PLOTTING ENSUING  !  TBA  .

rafael  ,  PLOTTING ENSUING  !  TBA  .

devon  ,  cousins  .

georgia  ,  PLOTTING ENSUING  !  TBA  .

𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘.

childhood best friends  and/or  cousins  :  someone cohen knows very deeply, and vice versa. maybe they lived in the same trailer park, maybe your muse’s rich family is related or connected, somehow to his poor cowboy redneck family ( maybe his construction worker dad was drunk on the job and now ur muse’s family thinks of his alcoholic messy parents as nuisances? maybe his parents think ur muse’s parents are too posh and hate their guts? ), maybe their families don’t get along.... maybe their families DO get along and ur muse is someone his parents ask after and talk about constantly! the possibilities are endless. regardless, though, this muse and cohen grew up playing together, smoking cigarettes ( or ur muse watching 12 y/o cohen smoke a cig MVLKFDG ), pretending to be grown because cohen FELT like he was grown by the time he could speak clear sentences, etc. cohen’s family’s a mess but they’re a family all the same. they may fight and drink constantly, but at the end of the day you can find them outside their trailers sitting in camping chairs drinking budweiser around a campfire and making fun of each other.

unrequited  /  secret  /  forbidden crush  :  maybe your muse secretly liked cohen and never said anything, maybe cohen secretly liked your muse and never said anything, etc. bonus points if your muse’s family knows cohen has a whole ass petty criminal record a la ryan from the o.c. and would absolutely throw a fit if they saw their kid even looking in cohen jetson’s general vicinity for too long. LKMDFK how they each deal with their crush today is totally up to us.

bail out  :  someone who vouches for cohen even when he’s getting into the worst kind of trouble. maybe they’ve caught him coming down from a high ( he used to take athletic stimulants for energy & performance, and is currently eight months into his most recent recovery / rehab attempt ) and have kept the fact that they saw him using on the dl in an effort to give him a chance to be better without getting kicked off the team. maybe they’ve given him a ride home from jail after getting picked up for fighting or public drunkenness and his parents weren’t picking up bc why would cohen’s parents ever.... LMDSFLKFG. maybe cohen bails ur muse out too and secretly helps them even when they should be left to suffer in the SAME way that cohen should be left to suffer. but they’re too close. it’s almost like they coddle each other. maybe it’s due to some romantic subplot or something like a sibling inkling. OOF maybe they’re exes. kill me now u know?

sponsor  -  esque relationship  :  basically someone who can cool cohen down when he’s craving a high, craving alcohol, when he’s getting irritable because he’s not performing well enough, when he’s going workout-crazy and needs someone to be like bitch.... can u sit down for like five seconds? LDMDFLKGKFG someone who doesn’t care when cohen cusses them out for no reason because they’ve got a tough shell and know he’s just getting irritable w them because he’s having a moment. someone patient w him. someone he has probably cried to before because he’s...... tired.

party friend  :  self-explanatory! maybe they’re infamous for ditching parties and heading straight to bars together. LDFMKD absolutely iconic of them. they’ve probably at least made out upwards of ten times because that’s.... cohen. SKDFJ unless ur a straight male, in which case, he politely flirts with u and that’s it. x basically this muse has seen him get into unwarranted bar fights just because he’s a bitch who will ALWAYS throw the first punch, this muse has walked home with him when they’re both way too drunk to drive, this muse probably goes back to cohen’s apartment PLASTERED with him after midnight and stays up to cook a meal and play a game of uno with him, etc, etc. we love nothin’ but warm-hearted fun in this house. 

exes on bad terms  /  hateship  /  enemies that detest each other  :  oof someone cohen has screwed over multiple times? more likely than u think. which is very likely. LKDSMFLKDF maybe they were exes? maybe cohen cheated on your muse? maybe cohen cheated WITH your muse and your muse didn’t find out until the break-up? maybe cohen beat your muse’s brother’s/dad’s ass and now there’s bad blood? maybe cohen broke things off with your muse before things could ever get serious? maybe cohen’s general demeanor just pisses your muse off? we’ve all been there KDNFDLKGN. basically these two hate each other and don’t even TRY to hide it anymore.

[psychosibyl]

If you don't mind me asking how did you get happier? Sorry if it's a dumb question!

It was a process. There’s too much information below, but I feel it’s important to break down all of the pieces. Some of these pieces were things I might never have considered being a problem until someone else brought it to my attention, so hopefully, it can help someone else too.

TL/DR:

1. Prioritize your mental and physical health.

2. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

3. Don’t be afraid to try new things and take risks.

4. Realize that people who don’t enjoy life and can’t have fun aren’t worth your time.

5. If your environment has become stale, change it.

The story below.

My depression got to the point where I could no longer get out of bed and was barely making it to work and just going through the motions of graduate school. If I wasn’t at work or school, I was in bed sleeping (or trying to sleep, because I also was having severe anxiety issues that would keep me up for days) or I was on the computer. When I was on the computer, I found myself getting sucked into all of these ridiculous hyperpolitical commentaries and letting myself be manipulated into getting fired up over them because I didn’t have anything in my life that made me happy…or feel anything for that matter. That wasn’t completely without reason–despite my age, I was also being severely bullied (and I hate that word, but “abused” sounds even more melodramatic) by my “friends” from college who’d fallen into the same pattern but on the opposite side. To the point that they eventually tried to dox me and no matter what I did, they just couldn’t find it in themselves to leave me alone. Factor in the most obvious and worst aspect of my depression–that I was basically losing a member of my family every year, felt like I’d been abandoned by my own parents and extended family because they were [reasonably] preoccupied with that, and had no ambition, energy, or money–and you had a recipe for absolutely nothing good. I lashed out quite a bit, too.

I’d also gained almost fifty pounds and was completely delusional about that fact. I’m 5′4″ and had gotten up to 183 lbs. I was also completely sure that no matter what I did, I couldn’t lose weight. That in itself made everything a bigger struggle. It made the sleeping situation worse too because I was starting to show signs of developing sleep apnea.

It was hitting 183 on the scale that actually kicked things off. It was what woke me up and it finally sunk in how bad things had really gotten. I started meeting with a nutritionist and, after a couple of sessions, she referred me to visit both my physician and a therapist (she essentially implied in the most polite and professional way possible that I seriously needed help). I started seeing the therapist and it was like the flood gates had open, literally and figuratively. I also joined WeightWatchers around this time and began to apply what I’d learned from the nutritionist with the program–specifically, the accountability I very much needed. My weight finally started creeping down little by little. With the therapist, everything that had been bottled up started being let go. My therapist also strongly suspected that I was having hormone issues and encouraged me to go see my doctor just like the nutritionist had–specifically, she thought getting on the pill would really be worth looking into. I went to the doctor, she suggested we try it, and it was like overnight, my already improving (thanks to therapy) mentality and weight loss efforts did a 180. I figured out a sustainable way of eating that I enjoyed and that worked incredibly well for me and started doing better in every other aspect of my life, too. Of course, that wasn’t without the tragedies that couldn’t be avoided, but it gave me something else and some reason that I felt was finally worth living for again. 

I started job hunting seriously in spring before I graduated with my Master’s. I got the fourth job I applied for. I joined a co-ed sports team and proceeded to get hit hard with a crush that started during that–first one I’d had in years. After a few months, they came to me and wanted me to move up the ladder. Got a massive promotion and a shocking raise. I started going out a little. I found things I enjoyed outside of work and made them a priority, but I also started getting a sense of accomplishment from what I do. I work in a very different environment than I did before–there are no activists masquerading as educators bringing people down and very few gullible folks getting fooled into anger. The people I work with love life and love to have fun. Some are wild as hell and are always up for something. I get good, regular exercise. I’ve weighed 137 lbs. for the last few months with that number barely budging and always coming back. I did a health risk assessment and a physical and I ranked in the superior category, which actually means I’m not only the healthiest I’ve ever been, but I’m nearly the fittest I’ve ever been and am back in the same range that I was in my martial arts days. I spend time with good people every chance I get. 

I tell you all of this because all of these pieces had to be addressed and come together. What matters is that I made them do so and am so glad I did.

So, here are the takeaways:

1. Prioritize your mental and physical health.

2. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

3. Don’t be afraid to try new things and take risks.

4. Realize that people who don’t enjoy life and can’t have fun aren’t worth your time.

5. If your environment has become stale, change it.

You can change your situation. It’s not even a little bit easy, but it can be done and it’s so incredibly worth it.

[transassbuttwriting]

My 27th Birthday: Pieces

Word Count: 2, 658 Warning(s): Drug use mentioned, overdose mentioned, depressing narrative

It may have been the time, but Geoff forgot just how much he loved sitting outside. Nothing, but a cup of tea in his hands, a radio on full volume, and the wind dancing through his hair. It reminded him of rehab and how he spent most of his free time there. He would sit in the courtyard, writing in his journal as other patients walked by in their own world. He only wrote in that book because he was told to. Writing down his thoughts didn’t help him a lot, but he did it nonetheless. Just to make his therapist happy with him.

He shook his head. He retrained his attention on the flowers in the backyard. They ranged from white to pink to purple to blue, all pastels. He couldn’t remember his mother gardening much. He just guessed the flowers were already there, planted for them. It didn’t matter to him. Even as a child, he would just pick the ones he thought were the prettiest, only for him to get tattled on by his sister and scolded by his parents. Looking back, he realized how bad that was for the flowers. However, a dandelion bouquet wasn’t appreciated either so, what was he supposed to do?

The song on the radio shifted along with his feelings, a low beat and soft acoustic strum started to play. Geoff took a sip of his tea, burning his tongue as he did. He couldn’t remember the last time he drank tea. Obviously before his death, but it was definitely before his 27th birthday. It must have been with Randy and his girlfriend, or was it wife?

He paused, his brows creased. He was forgetting a lot. That bullet must have done something to his head. He couldn’t even remember the most intimate details of his life. He wasn’t even an old man, not that he ever would be.

Geoff stood up, placing his tea down beside the radio before he walked into the living room. The photo album still sat where he left it ages before. He felt nauseous every time he looked in its direction. He never wanted to relive the emotions he felt looking at those memories, but if he was forgetting everything, he had to look.

He picked it up and brought it outside with him. The cursive introduction haunted him as he flipped through the pages. He would go slower this time. He would skip the parts he would hate and linger on the ones he loved. Yeah, that was the plan.

The first photo he saw was of one-year-old him leaning against his sister’s crib who at the time was just a few months old. His face was shmooshed between two bars, his lips pouted out. Geoff laughed at himself. He didn’t get any less annoying as his sister grew up. He turned to another photo. This one had both him and his sister, much older and in their Sunday best, smiling big at the camera. He faintly remembered a distant family member taking the photo, but out of the many cousins that were several times removed, it was hard to keep track of everyone. Underneath the photo, Geoff found cursive writing.

After Geoff & Kimberly’s First Performance

Oh yeah! Geoff smiled at the photo, tracing the letters with his finger. Kimberly knew piano and both were in the church choir. Possibly their parents started it or maybe a great grandparent, but Geoff remembered him and Kimberly performing songs they knew for their family right after church. Brunch was served by each member as they sang, the quality of their performance strengthening throughout the years. He believed they pranked the entire family once by performing The Bitch is Back instead of Bennie and the Jets. It didn’t end very well for either of them.

Geoff flipped through the pages, memories returning once he looked at the photos. He found more of him and Kimberly and more of him with David. Childhood memories he had forgotten due to his partying years. It was strange staring at his younger self. Possibly it was because it was so long ago and he couldn’t remember being that small. Maybe it was something in his eyes that changed. Maybe it was nothing.

His favourite out of the bunch was one of him, Kimberly, and David. It was Halloween and Star Wars had just came out earlier that year. David had insisted on being Han Solo, even though Geoff threw a fit about it. Now he didn’t understand why he was being so whiny. Luke was just as cool, possibly even cooler, than Han and he was a Jedi. Who could go wrong with being a Jedi? That meant Kimberly was Leia despite David and Geoff’s pleads for her to go as Chewbacca.

The photo was taken in the middle of them yelling trick-or-treat with their bags outstretched. It was a photo that must have been taken by some unknown being, but Geoff was glad it was taken. They all looked so happy.

He turned the pages again and the photos became newer as he grew older. He grew up along with Kimberly and it was obvious how different they became once they turned into teenagers. While she looked like a model teenage girl with long skirts and done-up hair, Geoff looked like he was a member of Mötley Crüe. He laughed at himself for looking so ridiculous.

Cautiously counting, Geoff skipped ahead in the photo album. He saw himself in rehab and after the treatment. The rest of the album was just of him and Needles. The makeup and big hair disappeared and their appearances changed. Age, weight gained or lost, bad decisions. All reasons for their looks.

The last photo he looked at made a small smile appear on his face. Needles was sitting at a long table in a restaurant, smiling at the camera. Geoff remembered a server taking the photo and that the food was pretty good. One side was David, Geoff, and Susie and on the other was Chris, Randy, and...what was her name? He looked down at the writing beside it to find the missing name.

Emilia! Randy’s wife! Oh, I wonder how she’s doing. Geoff thought, his finger unknowingly covering Susie’s face. He always thought they were a cute couple. He was glad they got married after years of dating.

There was a knock on the front door. Geoff turned off the radio and brought in the photo album and his now cold cup of tea. He wondered who would at his home at–he looked at the clock–only ten in the morning?

He opened the door and let out a huff of joy. Janis grinned up at him, her sunglasses and hair covering most of her face. Maybe he needed a friend to talk to.

“Hey, Jan.” He smiled, moving back to invite her in.

“Heyo, Geo. You wanna join me for a walk? I had a feeling you’re not doing much.”

Geoff stopped and wrinkled his nose at her. Of course he was doing something! He was sitting and staring at flowers. Okay, he wasn’t doing anything.

“Yeah, sure, I have time.”

Janis grabbed Geoff’s hand and pulled him along to the sidewalk. He barely managed to shut his door as he was startled by the fact that she had more strength than he originally thought. Janis’ grip loosened after a while, her speed slowing down until she was beside Geoff. She started to ramble about small things and he listened to each and every word carefully, even if she didn’t care about them.

The clicks of their shoes on the concrete turned into the crunch of leaves and pebbles as they turned onto a smaller trail, leading into a forest. The trees became thicker as they continued to walk and Janis’ voice ceased to leave. Geoff added his own comments every now and then, but he felt she wanted an ear to hear her. The day was calm, clouds covering most of the sky. It was peaceful and quiet, leaving the two to be in their own world.

A clearing, tiny compared to most, appeared in the middle of the trail and Janis’ voice faded. She grinned and spun around, her arms out, taking in every inch of the scenery. Geoff looked around and noticed a couple of flower bushes at the bottom of tall pine trees. He knelt down and smelled one.

Janis sighed, a smile still on her face, “You can’t get this from drugs, I’ll tell you that much.”

Geoff whipped his head up, “Excuse me?”

“Yeah, there’s Southern Comfort, but this,” she gestured toward the flora, “this is something beautiful.”

He looked around and stared at the trees and bushes. He had no idea what she was seeing, but he definitely wasn’t seeing anything spectacular. He grew up with nature like what stood in front of them and everything turned dull in the end. Why think something is beautiful if you’ve seen in everyday of your life?

Janis dropped onto the ground, sitting with one knee up. Geoff joined her, crossing his legs. She began to pick the flowers, peonies Geoff now realized, by the stems and started to tie them together.

“Drugs aren’t that good anyway. I mean...look where they got me.” Janis joked, adjusting each flower.

Geoff stiffened, his eyes avoiding Janis. It had been a while since he even thought about drugs. He wanted to avoid it as long as possible, whether it was unhealthy or not for him to bottle up his thoughts. There was always a sick feeling in his stomach when drugs were mentioned, as if it was retreating further into his back. He just felt nauseous.

Janis noticed how Geoff’s hands tightened on his thighs and frowned.

“Touchy subject?”

Geoff nodded.

Janis raised her brows, “Oh. Well, if you want to talk about anything, my ears are wide open, baby.”

She continued to tie the peonies together, placing them down once they were connected into a circle. She grabbed more and started to make another one.

Now it felt like a pot about to overboil. Geoff wanted to say so much, but he had only known Janis for less than four months. She didn’t need to hear any of his problems. That was his own business and no one else’s burden. He needed to keep his mouth shut. He needed to solve his own issues and not piggyback on others’ efforts. Besides, would she even understand his incoherent feelings?

“I had an addiction.”

Oh, goddammit.

Janis’ head perked up.

“I was an alcoholic and a heroin addict. It...It fucked me up to put it lightly.” He found himself laughing. At himself mostly.

As he started, Janis stopped fidgeting with the peonies, placing down the circle she was working on. Her attention was purely on Geoff.

“When you start, you never think that it would get bad. You always tell yourself ‘I’ll stop after this shot’ but you don’t. Parents always warn you about drugs and how they’re bad. They always say how they’ll disown you and how they would be disappointed. They never tell you how enticing they are.”

Janis slipped her hand into Geoff’s, squeezing it tightly. Her eyes hadn’t left his face and his were still staring at the flower bush. Everything was just spilling out. He couldn’t stop.

“I don’t remember much of my overdose, but I do remember bits and pieces. I remember drinking whiskey and shooting up. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I was in a hospital. I was strapped to the bed because I apparently tried to attack the nurses. All I could remember from between was hearing someone screaming ‘All blue...They’re just blue…’”

Nothing. Janis didn’t respond. She waited for Geoff to continue. He could feel a lump in his throat as he tried to hold back tears.

“Randy and David found me and took me to the hospital...It was David yelling. He told me that he looked into my eyes and just saw blue.”

Geoff felt Janis’s hand tense up against his. He didn’t turn her way, but he could feel how her eyes widened. He crossed over and rolled up his sleeve over his elbow. He rubbed at the crease of his elbow, tracing the vein.

“This entire area was covered in track marks...I don’t think I was ever sober during my life. Even when I wasn’t, I felt miserable.”

Janis tried to smile, but it looked forced. She caressed Geoff’s hand with her thumb and he finally looked in her direction.

“I’m sure it did feel like it was horrible, but I’m certain there was good moments too.”

Before he could clearly think, Geoff shook his head. His stomach dropped when Janis’ smile fell.

“What’s with the shake, Geo?”

Geoff couldn’t think of an answer.

“Did you have friends who cared about you?”

“Yes-”

“Did you have a family who would die for you?”

“I suppose-”

“Do you remember any inside jokes you had with your friends?”

Geoff started to smile, “Yes-”

“Did your friends have fun with you or try to make you smile?”

“Of course!”

“There were some good moments!” Janis’ smile returned.

Geoff paused, his smile cracking slightly. Where was she going with this? “I’m not saying that your life wasn’t shit because I believe that you were unhappy. However, I refuse to believe that there were no good moments, even when you were a kid. I’m one hundred percent certain that your friends and family tried their best to make your life amazing. Your band cared about you. The way you talk about them, I hope they did! Just promise me one thing, baby. Don’t compare your life to others. Enjoy your life and afterlife by your standards.”

Her hands returned to the circle of flowers. She added one more peony and set the circle on her head. She grabbed the other one and placed it on top of Geoff’s head. They were flowers crowns. How could Geoff not see that?

“I know it will be hard to get over everything that happened while you were alive, but promise me you’ll remember the good. That you’ll remember that you enjoyed it.” Geoff nodded. He felt a weight off his shoulders that had been there for years. Even though he felt a sharp pain in his heart, it was far more tolerable than the dull and everbuilding pain of keeping quiet.

Janis looked Geoff over, a sly smirk appearing on her lips.

“The peonies are actually cute on you. Maybe you should have some at your house.”

He smiled, a petal falling from his crown. Staring at Janis with an identical flower crown, she looked like how people depicted Mother Nature. It made Haven feel more like home.

They stood up and began to walk back to Geoff’s house. They continued to talk, but instead, Geoff was one to talk Janis’ ear off. He told her stories of when he was younger and how he mended his relationship with his sister after his overdose. Janis just smiled, listening carefully to each word that he said.

Once they arrived back, Janis stepped on the tip of her toes and kissed Geoff’s forehead. Her hand rested on his cheek and he sheepishly smiled.

“If you need to talk, just know that I’m here for you and so is everyone in the club.”

Geoff nodded, “Yes, I know.”

Janis lingered for a moment before she started to walk off, waving back at Geoff as she did.

Geoff didn’t take off his flower crown when he entered his home. He didn’t take it off when he grabbed the photo album and sat down outside. He touched the crown and sighed as he saw at the end of the photo album a new photo of him and Janis sitting beside the flower bush.

[bipolarneon]

get to know neon

thanks to @phoenix-rising-and-falling for giving me the template.

General

Type 1 or type 2? I don’t know. Those who diagnosed me didn’t tell me, so. I don’t really care, anyway, as long as we know what’s going on in my brain.

Self-dx or professional dx? Professionally. I wanted this. I wanted a professional diagnosis for what was going on with me. And after a month in a psych ward I got it. The reasons are multiple and stem from feelings of powerlessness, to fear of the unknown, to exceptionality and omnipotence. A lot to unpack here, huh?

Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure? Depressed (slowly coming out of a mixed episode state.)

Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? Borderline Personality Disorder (self-diagnosed.) The actual diagnosis says Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, in the future months tests will be run on me to determine which disorder it actually is but I personally suspect BPD.

When did you first start having symptoms? I didn’t know they were symptoms back in the day. I recently had suicidal tendencies and bad self-harming and risky impulsive behaviour in various areas of life, plus I was delusional on a specific situation/individual, so I ended up hospitalized for my own safety. In the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder because I told them about those times I was staying up till 5am reading and writing articles, those full months I could go on with 2 hours of sleeping maximum, those situations where I was feeling incredibly elated and omnipotent in saving the world, those times I tried to run away from home without documents and came home the same evening to go to martial art training, those times I was speaking so fast anyone could understand me or pacing everywhere because I couldn’t stay still. Don’t know. I told them a bunch of stuff and they did their job. Looking back, the bipolar disorder diagnosis fits.

When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? Um, a few weeks ago. I was strangely relieved.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? No.

How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? I thought I was the most self-aware person on the Planet, turns out it may not be exactly the case ‘cause in the past I didn’t recognized any symptom and right now I don’t know, I’m still only depressed, have yet to change state. Still, I think I’m pretty aware on my mental schemes and processes overall.

How many people know about your bipolar disorder? My medical team, my family, the only one friend I have, you guys on Tumblr.

Are any of your family members bipolar? No.

Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. First and foremost, I relate to Rue Bennet who is actually bipolar, so. Then, since he is my totem character and the very reason of my existence, I headcanon Anakin Skywalker as bipolar, beside the many disorders I already headcanon him to have.

Hypo/mania

When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? I think several of the above but I’m not sure, I don’t remember entirely my hypomanic states since they happened years ago. Also, I think it was always hypomania, I never reached full mania yet.

What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? I can’t exactly count since it happened years ago and I wasn’t aware of being bipolar at the time, but I think it’s been years with bouts of depression and some shorter fits of stronger hypomania.

Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? Yes, I did. I was hospitalized after a mixed episode with psychotic features. I had delusions regarding one particular person, but I’m stopping here, this is too much.

What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? Run away from home without documents or money, a lot of stuff involving homemade activism, climbed rocks that should not have been climbed, had sex with many guys randomly, drank a lot in order to feel bad and miserable, etc.

What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? This is gonna sound weird but it never happened to me. I never went on a spending spree. Mostly because I have no money with me when I go out. It happened with food, though. That maybe I had already eaten but I took an entire new dish without knowing or understanding why I did it.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? I genuinely don’t remember. Surely I was able to go on for looong time (like entire years) sleeping only 2-3 hours per night.

Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? NOT YET. BUT I WILL. (I’ve made those stupid drawings I posted on the blog though.)

Depression

When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? I’d say all of the above, but mostly suicidal, guilty and anxious.

What has been your longest depressive episode? Three years, I think.

How do you cope with depression? I don’t. I don’t even want to. I want to feel bad, I want to feel all the pain in the world, so go figure (this doesn’t mean I’m anti-recovery, just that my mental illness wants me to be.)

Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? Insomniac. And my appetite hasn’t changed much.

When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? Like- ten seconds ago? I’m very emotional nowadays.

Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. I cut myself, burnt myself, scratched myself, stopped taking meds…

Have you had problems with substance abuse? Alcohol and marijuana have been a thing and regular cigarettes too.

Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? No.

Have you ever attempted suicide? No. I have a duty in this world and as long as that duty lives on, I live on. But I have dreamt of dying so much it feels reality by now.

Have you ever written a suicide note? Not quite. It was the note I left when I ran away from home. I wasn’t a suicide letter but somehow it sounded like one.

Other symptoms and Treatment

Do you ever dissociate? It happened. It’s not so frequent but it happened. Not exactly sure I do it in the most severe way possible but still, I do.

Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? No. I had this sort of slight auditory hallucination where I was hearing my own voice telling me bad things over and over, but it wasn’t a full-blown hallucination.

Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? I’m seeing a therapist and yes, it’s helping. I’ve been seeing them since I was 15, and as I already wrote somewhere, without them I would be probably dead or in a cult.

Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? Yes, I am. I don’t know if they’re helping or not, but generally think they don’t. They merely keep you slowed down enough to stop your scariest impulses.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, I’ve been hospitalized for one month. It’s been nightmare to me, it felt like a prison. But I made through this and now I feel it helped me, somehow. Gave me more skills in my fight against mental illness.

Have you ever attended group therapy? No.

Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? I didn’t have a diagnosis a year ago but sure as hell I was in a better shape than I am now, so we definitely can say I got worse over the years.

Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? No, that didn’t happen but in the end I’ve just been diagnosed, it’s a bit early to say.

Do you have a favorite coping method? I don’t have a favourite coping method because I don’t cope, I dive in the pain, I dive in the suffering and in the bleakness. I dive right in and hope to drown.

If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you? This is a tricky one. I’m expected to answer ‘yes,’ but I think I’ll answer ‘no.’ Who would I be without my mental illness? Without my problematicity? Without my pain? No one. So, no. I’d rather struggle the rest of my life but cling to the broken identity I have than be neurotypical but essentially no one (reminder that this works for me and my flawed brain, I’m not saying neurotypical people are shit.)

[theyearoftheking]

Book Six: The Dead Zone

“We all do what we can, and it has to be good enough... and if it isn’t good enough, it has to be. Nothing is ever lost. Nothing that can’t be found.”

When I announced my next book was The Dead Zone, my brother-in-law admitted to never reading it, or seeing the movie, because it felt dated. He’s not wrong. The 1983 movie felt dated when I’d watch it in the 1990′s. But that didn’t stop me from imagining Christopher Walken during the entire book. So, here’s some cowbell for your Tuesday! Sorry, I’m home with a sick kid, doing training for my job, I need to find joy where I can. 

But The Dead Zone is still eerily important. I need to stop reading Steve’s books... it’s too much... first I picked up The Stand during the Coronavirus outbreak, and now I’m reading about shitty politicians during a particularly shitty election season. 

Who hasn’t asked themselves the question... “If you could go back in time and kill Hitler- would you do it?”

Being a disciple of Ray Bradbury, I’d have to answer probably not. I read The Sound of Thunder during my formative years, and it hit hard. I’m also a disciple of Steve, and 11/22/63 taught me what a world where Kennedy hadn’t been assassinated looks like. And that fictional world is bleak, my friends. 

Let’s get into it, shall we?

When Johnny Smith was a little boy, he was ice skating, and had a nasty fall. This fall gave him mild psychic abilities. A teeny bit of The Shine, if you will. Fast forward to grown-up John, he’s a teacher and living in the quaint town of Cleaves Mills. To keep the quaint theme going, he’s about to take Sarah, a fellow teacher, to the county fair on a date. Presh, I know.

Now... this is when the book just becomes one big homage to Ray Bradbury. The county fair is straight out of Something Wicked This Way Comes; which Steve actually references at one point. The manic laughter, the spinning rides,, the smell of carnival food, and the feeling of something evil lurking just under the surface is all there. It’s a masterful tribute. 

On their way out of the fair, John stops and decides to try his luck at a Wheel of Fortune carny game. You know... the type of game you never actually win at. But his Shine comes into play, and he ends up walking away from the game $500 richer (three weeks salary according to Sarah!). But Sarah suddenly feels sick. She blames it on a bad carny hot dog, but I’m pretty sure The Shine is wafting off John like a noxious fume, and she inhaled too much of it. John gets Sarah safely home, and takes a taxi back to his apartment. Well, tries to take a taxi back... the taxi ends up crushed by some hoods out drag racing, and John ends up in a coma for four and a half years. 

Yes. 

Four and a half years. 

I’m not smart enough to do the math and adjust for inflation; but can you imagine what hospital bills for four and a half years worth of treatment must look like? I mean, I’d almost rather they pull the plug on me. It would be less painful than waking up and finding I’m going to be broke for the rest of my life. 

John’s parents Herb and Vera are thrilled he’s awake. Vera is cut from the same kind of crazy culty-religious cloth as Margaret White (Carrie’s mom); and believes there’s a holy reason why John is still alive. John needs to have some painful surgeries to have his leg muscles stretched (because, atrophy is a bitch after four and a half years in a hospital bed); and then some spooky shit starts happening. John has discovered he can touch someone’s hand, and learn all kinds of interesting things about them. For example, he touches the hand of Dr. Weizak, and informs him that his mother didn’t actually die in a concentration camp, she’s alive and well in California. Then, he freaks a physical therapist out by telling her she needs to call the fire department, her apartment is on fire. The news media gets wind of John’s new powers, and they start relentlessly hounding him. 

While still in the hospital, he gets a call from Herb, letting him know Vera has had a stroke, and is in Cumberland General Hospital (you know, just above Jerusalem’s Lot). So, Dr. Weizak rushes him to the hospital, and Vera tells him a voice will tell him what to do, and she believes in his higher purpose. Then she dies. 

Oh, Vera. She’s had a fun life. At one point, she was a member of The American Society for Last Times. “They were led by Mr. and Mrs. Harry L Stonkers from Racine, Wisconsin. Mr. and Mrs. Stonkers claimed to have been picked up by a flying saucer while they were on a camping trip. They had been taken away to heaven, which was not out in the constellation Orion, but on an earth-type planet that circled Arcturus. There they had communed with the society of angels and had seen Paradise. The Stonkers had been informed that the Last Times were at hand...”

I laughed so hard, because of course the crazy cult leaders were from Racine. I worked for a company based in Racine for several years, and one of my co-workers was of this same kind of crazy religious bend. He told me “my lifestyle” flew in the face of what God intended. For the record, my lifestyle was being one of those crazy, new-aged career gals, with a stay-at-home husband raising our two year old. It’s easy to understand what’s so offensive about that.

But the worst part was when this co-worker decided to “treat” his teenage daughters to a home-schooled prom. He rented a limo, ordered flowers, made dinner reservations... and was their date. But no dancing of course, because... religion. When I relayed this story back to my husband later on, he asked me which daughter was going to end up getting lucky on prom night with dad. Ick. 

So yes, cult leaders in Racine- 100% believable. 

After Vera’s death, John continues his life, living with his dad, healing from his horrible leg muscle surgery, and he even keeps in touch with Sarah, even an ill-advised hook-up for final closure. People keep sending him letters and trinkets, hoping he can help them find lost objects, or solve mysteries. He’s not having it. He just wants to go back to teaching, and lead a “normal” life. But alas, there is this nagging voice (it belongs to Vera) telling him he was awakened from his coma for a reason. He needs to serve a higher purpose. So, he ends up going to Castle Rock, Maine; and helps the sheriff solve a series of murders. Castle Rock is a fun place, FYI. They have a Flagg street there. 

After his face is splashed across the tabloids for helping solve the murders, his school district doesn’t want him teaching anymore, and his life has little purpose. After a few years of moping around on his dad’s land, he ends up tutoring young, charismatic, Chuck Chatsworth; and uses his Shine to help Chuck get around the dead zone he has with reading and comprehending text. 

A note about “the dead zone”... it’s a term John uses quite a bit to describe the gray area he can’t quite see through/around when he’s holding someone’s hand and telling them something important. 

John gets on super well with Chuck’s dad, Roger. One night they’re watching tv, and Roger can’t stop talking about this political wildcard, Gregory Stillson, who is running for a House seat. “The man is a clown. He goes charging around the speaking platform like that at every rally. Throws his helmet into the crowd- I’d guess he’s gone through a hundred of them by now- and gives out hot dogs. He’s a clown, so what? Maybe people need a little comic relief from time to time. We’re running out of oil, the inflation is slowly but surely getting out of control, the average guy’s tax load has never been heavier... So people want a giggle or two. Even more, they want to thumb their noses at the political establishment that doesn’t seem able to solve anything...” 

John keeps working for the Chatsworth family, and helps get Chuck into Stovington Prep... yes, the same Stovington Prep as in The Shining. At one point, Chuck is talking about his English teacher, “I like him a lot. Our teacher told us he still lives over in N.H. but has given up writing. That blows my mind. Why would someone just give up when they are going great guns?” I’ll let you draw your own conclusions, but I’m 87% sure his teacher was one Jack Torrance. 

In the meantime, Stillson wins his election. And John endears himself further to the Chatsworth family the night of Chuck’s graduation, when he has a vision of a fire at Cathy’s restaurant; where a lot of families planned on going to celebrate. John pleads with people not to go to Cathy’s. Some listen, others don’t, but he does end up saving some lives. And then he becomes a recluse, fixated on Gregory Stillson. 

Stillson is a bad dude. He’s done a lot of shady shit, and he’s had a lot of people killed. He also worked in real estate development for a while. Smirk. 

He knows he needs to take Stillson out before he becomes President, and gets the country pulled into another war. “I have to do something about Stillson. I have to. I was right about Cathy’s, and I’m going to be right about this. There is absolutely no question in my mind. He is going to become president and he is going to start a war- or cause one through simple mismanagement of the office, which amounts to the same thing.” 

 Oh, how quaint... when the biggest fear is the President starting another war... not the President getting us all killed by nuclear weapons. But, this book was set post-Vietnam, so the feeling is honest. 

John goes to a rally, and hides on the upper balcony, hoping to shoot Stillson. He gets a couple shots off, before Stillson grabs a baby to use as a shield (yeah... really...), to prevent John from shooting him again. John ends up shot by Stillson’s goons and he dies, but so does Stillson’s political career, because of a photo showing him using the baby as a body shield. So, his mission was mostly carried out. We also find out John had a brain tumor, which may or may not have caused his abilities. 

So, yeah. That’s The Dead Zone. This was a long review for a really short (by Steve standards) book. But it was fun because there were so many references to his previous five books. And yes, the book was published in 1979, but I feel it still holds up. And it has me wondering how/if Trump supporters would explain away Trump using a baby as a shield. I mean... the man has done far worse than that and has still been elected, so.... 

God damn, I really did not intend for this blog to become political, but here we are! Welcome to the new climate around election season! 

There was one lone Dark Tower reference, “He opened the paperback with the picture of the gunslinger shouldering his way through a set of saloon batwings...” 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 9

Dark Tower References: 5

Book Grade B+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Shining

The Stand

The Dead Zone

‘Salem’s Lot

Carrie 

Night Shift 

Next up is Firestarter. Yes, cute little Drew Barrymore. I can’t wait. 

Until next time readers, Long Days and Pleasant Nights!

Rebecca

[newriter101]

A Different Life - Chapter 1

Masterlist   

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The last sentence she wrote in her diary was to her daughter Julia, “she will get hers and I will have the last laugh.” She put away her diary and fell right to sleep. She seemed to have a smile on her face as if she was going to make sure her daughter suffered by her hand. Around 4 am the following morning Julia was awakened by a bad dream and a cold sweat. The dream was about her mother, The she came to her telling Julia that she was dead. She felt as though her mom came to her dream to tormented her. She had no idea why she dreamt this, so she woke John up, explaining what she had dreamt and how real it felt to her. Her husband assured Julia that her mother was not dead and that maybe she was nervous about seeing her that morning because of how Julia and her mother left things the last time they spoke to one another. Its been four months since they had even spoken. After John reassured Julia that her mother was not dead, she went back to sleep.  

John and Julia were in their home town of Owensboro for a wedding John had been asked to be in for his best friends. They arrived in Owensboro on Friday night for the dress rehearsal and were staying the night with Johns mom and dad. Julia could not get past the things she said to her mother, or what her mother had said to her. Julia had planned on going to see her parents the morning of the wedding, she even purchased a pretty dress for her daughter Shay because she knew her mother would love seeing her in dresses.

For several months Julia had been seeing a therapist trying to work through some hostility, fear, depression and stress relating to her mother. Julia had told her therapist about the argument that went on when Julia’s mom called and started yelling at her even calling Julia "a trashy bitch." Julia return with “I hate your guts." and that she had hung up the phone on her. She knew at that point  that was potentially her last time she would talk to her mother. Julia was fine with that however she knew her mother would make it hard on her dad if he tried talking to her. Julia's therapist said he was proud of her, taking up for her self, and actually putting her family first. Julia's heart was still broken, she realized at that moment that her mother would put a wedge between Julia and her father. Julia was devastated.

The morning of the wedding around 8am Julia was awakened by the phone ringing. Ron her father in-law answered it, when he realized that the call was for Julia he yelled for her to pick the phone, that her mother was on it, and wanted to talk to her. Julia could not figure out how her mother found out she was in town. So Julia picked up the phone and she quickly realized it was not her mother it was her aunt. She told Julia her mother was sick and wants to know if Julia wanted to see her? Julia got a sick feeling in her stomach that her dream was coming true. So she continued to ask what was going on? why was she sick? what happened to her? Her aunt proceeded to say, “if you have to know she is dead.” then she hung up the phone.  Julia remember getting off the phone telling her husband John that her mother had passed away and she need to get to her house. She kept tell John I told you she was dead, her dream had come true. They got dressed and went immediately to her mothers home. When they arrived at her mothers home Julia didn't even wait for the car to stop before she jumped out and ran to the door. Once she opened the door she saw her father was sitting in a chair in the great room, he could not figure out what happened he was completely distrait and was barely holding it together. What he could not figure out was how she died she was not sick, she didn’t have any of heart issue, he was beside him self. Earlier that morning he had checked in on her as he did every morning before heading to the farm. He said she looked fine and she was sleeping so off he went. Julia ran into her mothers room to see for herself, when she walked in her mother seemed as though she was sleeping, except for the dried blood just under her nose. Julia went into an angary rage and started yelling and throwing thing in the room. Julia began crying wanting to know what happened and why. Julia’s dad walked in the room and said she had been having problems with her oxygen levels and weeks prior she had been in the hospital trying to get her oxygen level back up. When she left the hospital she was doing better they increased the level of oxygen in her sleep apnea machine. She realized at that point the last things she said to her mother was, “I hate your guts” there was no way to take it back, there was no way to say she was sorry, the time for apologies had gone. Then she realized she was going to live with that for the rest of her life. Strange that when the corner arrived at the house he pronounced her death at 4 am which was the same time in Julia's that her mother appeared in her dream.

Julia stayed at her parents house most of the day trying to wrap her head around what happened and what to do next. She also had a wedding to go to that evening with John being the best man they couldn't just cancel. The sole reason for Julia and John were in town. So she had to go and get ready for the wedding and try to hold it together long enough to get through it all. She began to fall apart the longer she was there, she felt hopeless, and mortified that this had happened. Julia got through the wedding and part of the reception before she told John she needed to leave. John knew she needed to leave so they said there good byes and headed to Johns parents house. That entire night Julia could not sleep she continues to think about what she had said to her mother. Julia also felt a sigh of relief that her mother had passed away because every time her and John would come into town she would make our lives miserable. She also was worried about her father and brother how were they going to make it without her. Julias father knew nothing about their finances, what bills there were, or when to pay them. The following day was the hardest of day of Julia's life the realization of her mother’s death was really setting in. She had passed away on April 17, 1998, on Saturday. Sunday they had to start setting up preparation for her funeral.

Sunday Julia had never been through the visitation, funeral, picking a casket, flowers and were she would be buried. Julia felt the hardest part was picking out the casket and the interior, and what she would wear knowing that this was really happening. Julia’s dad left the flower arrangement up to Julia which she knew exactly what her mother liked she also picked out a special flower arrangement and ribbon from Julia's daughter, Shay who was only 1 years old. She would place them in her grandma’s hands. Shay really lover her grandma and of course has no idea what was going on. Later that night several of Julia’s family members arrived at her dads home they brought food, trying to help out and check on her dad and brother. Julia just happens to walk in the kitchen and her favorite great aunt Mary Helen was sitting there. She ask Julia if she was ok, and Julia said she was trying to be but she was having these horrible nightmares about her mother. Julia’s great aunt Mary Helen told her that during the visitation for Julia to go up and touch her mother hands and the nightmares would stop. That this would also help Julia be at peace. Everyone had gathered in the great room to sit and  reminisce about her mother, about all the things she use to do to help out others and what a wonderful person she was. Julia was listening to what they were saying about her mother. Julie wondered who were they talking about, they weren't talking about her mother it had to be someone else. Julia knew her mother to be hateful, cruel, and abusive. This person they were talking about was not her mother, because her mother was none of those people with two faces.  She thought maybe her mom was one way with them and another way with Julia.

           Julia walked in her mothers room and sat down in the rocker that sat across from her mothers bed. She sat there crying for a bit feeling hurt, angry, glad and stressed as to what to do next. So she started looking around to see what she could find to try and help her dad out with the money, bills, and were everything was. Julia remembered a safe being in her room so she looked around and found it, then found the key in her night stand. She opened it up and looked around she found some of the papers her father was looking for and as she was going through it she also found her mothers diary. Julia never knew she even wrote in a diary. She opened it and started reading about the horrible things her mother was saying about her, how much she hated John, Julia’s husband and the comments about the house they built together. There were even sections about how she thought Julia’s friends were trashy. She also said John was not providing a proper home for Julia to live in. She also read that her mother had spoken to a lawyer about taking Julia’s daughter Shay away from her because of the way they were living. Even stating that her father was not a good husband or a worthy father. Julia got to the last page of the diary which was written the night before she died saw that her mother had written “Julia will get hers and I will have the last laugh.” Julia was so hurt that she went and showed the book to her father which took it immediately out to the back yard and burned it, told Julia her mother was a sick women and didn’t mean what she had wrote. Julia new he was just trying to make her feel better. She started realizing that the best day of her life was the day her mother died. As they went through all of her things they found she had spent all the money in their checking account for their upcoming trip they were taking to Florida. Julia started looking for receipts to take things back so her father had money back in his checking account, he was so blown away by her spending. Later on that day Julia found an Easter card that was addressed to her one year old daughter that said, “l will take care of you from now on, I am going to prove that your mother is unfit to take care of you.” “You will be mine for the rest of your life.” Julia thinks to herself who writes that crap who would try and prove the daughter to be unfit. You have to think Julia was adopted by her family, and maybe she really was sick.  

So we picked out the flowers, the casket, the grave site and everything that goes along with it. That was the hardest thing Julia had ever done. Faye, Julia’s moms best friend did her hair and make up, the dress she wore was the one she wore in Julia’s wedding. The following day was the visitation and Julia’s daughter woke up sick running a fever and her ears were hurting. Julia went ahead and got dressed and they drove to the funeral home. They sat down waiting for them to make sure she was ready, with in about five minutes they said the immediate family could go in first so Julia and her brother Darian went in and knelt down in front of the casket. Julia had so much hate in her heart she could barely stand to be in front of her mother. All of the sudden Julia glanced down at her mother and there was bubbles coming out of her nose. She freaked out and had her brother look at it he was shocked as well. The first thing that Julia thought was that her mother was alive and they had mad a mistake, but she knew that could not be true. So before anyone else could see her Julia told the funeral director what was going on and he said they would fix it and for every one to come out of the room for a second or two more. Julia told her dad how bad it had freaked her out and what she thought, and he so “no honey she is dead.” She knew it in her head but it felt like she was still there tormenting her in her heart. Once they cleaned her up they let us go back in and say our goodbyes and then they opened the door for every one. It was the longest day ever of her life, she thought it would never end. After being there for a little bit John brought Julia’s daughter to the funeral home and she was burning up with a temperature, they made the decision to leave and have her checked out at the immediate care center the doctor there said she had a double ear infection and a cold, they gave her medicine and they went back to the funeral home. The day just drug along, and Julia’s daughter would not let anyone touch her but Julia, so she carried her around all day and into the night when they had a prayer service. After the prayer service every one was starting to leave and Julia walked up to the casket whispering or so she thought. She told her mother how much she hated her, how horrible of a mother she was, and how Julia will never treat her kids the was she treated Julia. As she spoke those words she started getting madder, her dad had to come up and calm her down because by that time Julia was speaking very loudly. Julia didn’t care she wanted to make sure her mother new she would never be like her.

We had a service the following day, and the church presented them with a lunch afterwards. This was a very quite and solemn day a day of starting to heal. Julia said it was the best day of her life. She no longer had to live in fear of what her mother might say or do next. Julia’s dad sat with her later on that evening and said that she didn’t know how to show love that she was raised by elderly grandparents because her dad had blamed her for the death of his wife  because she had died during child birth. Her father didn’t want to have anything to do with her and made her live with her grandparents and not with him and her seven brothers. But Julia thought people are put into bad situations every day and they make a better life for them selves.

[shrapped]

The year of inbetweens

Today marks the day of one year being with me and only me. Don't be mislead. I'm not saying I locked myself in a cabin and didn't see a single soul for a year. It was another kind of commitment.

On the 20th april of 2018 I broke up with my last boyfriend, who was my second big love. Like the kind of person you picture yourself growing old with. The kind of person that makes you seriously consider kids as a 20yr old. The kind of person you get crazy about.

It wasn't that I didn't love him. It was that I wanted to love me first. He couldn't meet needs I felt pressing to have met. I did what I had to do, but trust me it wasn't easy.

We were sitting on a bench in a park and after he cried, after he screamed, after he cursed me, after he left, I just kept on sitting there. For half an hour I couldn't move. I sat in tears, knowing I did the right thing, but it felt so wrong. How could I let go the guy who felt like the love of my life?

I wanted to do all the bad things. I wanted to smoke a cigarette, numb my feelings. Wanted to drink or hook up with some random dude. I wanted to really hurt myself. But how could I? How could I hurt myself after doing the hardest thing just to do right by me. That would've made me a cheat.

One week later I ended up talking to an acquaintance about the breakup, relationships in general and the ways we run from things. And that night I made a commitment to myself: To stay single for a year, no matter what. To come back to myself, and to stay there, no matter what's pulling me.

I remember well how my therapist reacted. She didn't take me serious. She asked what would happen if I met someone? Wouldn't it be stupid to force it? I got really mad at her.

This decision felt a hundred percent like my truth. It came from a place within me that's wise, that knows my truth, even before I do.

I on the other hand was feeling so excited. I thought this was awesome and just what I needed, and just about this year anyway, and very bearable. But really, man, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. And I keep thinking now that that's a good thing, because if I had, it may would have scared me off. And man, would I have missed out.

In hindsight, I'm calling it the year of inbetweens. I'm really feeling that word. Inbetween.

I was letting go of old stuff, drugs, people, behaviours, just everything that wasn't of any use to my new, self-loving me. But I did not yet have anything new to fill up these spaces. And there still are lot of spaces to fill. New ways to pick up. I'm inbetween, and it's a very scary place to be in, but I wouldn't wanna miss it for the world.

Saying Yes to Yourself means saying No to Others

I was a person who'd always put themselves at the end of the row. And trust me, it was a long row. My Mom, my Dad, friends, aquaintances, colleagues, even strangers on the street. I was always in a hurry to please them. I got lost somewhere along the way.

Before learning to say yes to things, to adventure and being spontaneous, I had to learn to say No.

No to doing what they wanted instead of what I felt like, no to friends of friends when they are not my people. No to parties and no to drugs.

Trust me, it wasn't easy. In the beginning while it may have felt a tad better than ignoring my authentic self, sitting home alone on a Friday night felt wrong. Like I was missing out on something. But was I, if what I was missing out wasn't what I wanted in the first place? No!

Like all the areas, change came slowly. As I started to feel better with going with my gut when it came to my need, I started to change the way I arrange my life.

I stopped arranging my life around other peoples wants and needs, and their lifestyle. Instead I started asking, and learning, and sometimes failing my own wants and needs. And whatever didn't fit anymore was tossed out. I may sound like a bit of a dickhead now. And you know what? I was. Still kinda am, though the worst is over.

I'm sorry for every time someone got to feel consequences for something they didn't cause. But to me it was natural.

I'm a hundred percent certain if you want to get in balance and have been living one side of the story, you need to live the other one in the same extent. It may just look a little crazy if you compress in a few months what happened over years on the other side.

I spent years, actually, my whole childhood putting myself last. So now I come first. End of the story.

Don't wait for meaning, create meaning

We, as humans, often look for meaning. In life, but also in the small things. If what happened to us makes sense in a bigger picture, if we can shift our perspective, something bad may not be just bad anymore.

I know there are people out there who went through much more struggles than me, but I also wouldn't say it was all easy.

I think one of the key lessons from my last year was when I turned towards sobriety. First I stopped drinking alcohol – by choice. Then I was forced to quit smoking weed too. The last couple months I've been having my fights with the plain old cigarettes. So slowly turning my back on drugs alltogether.

There was a reason I couldn't start stopping earlier. A family member of mine is an alcoholic, and only when I severed all contact with them, that I could start working on my relationship with alcohol. Everything else was just Domino effect.

I'm not happy about the rough patches in my life. I wouldn't wish tragedy on anyone. But I am thankful for the lessons. In hindsight, everything fits into the bigger picture. As soon as I realized that, I startet creating my meaning as I went along. I didn't wait for the Aha-Moment, I created it.

Asking myself:

What can I learn from this?

How is this helping me grow?

Healing is about love a lot. But it seems, healing is a lot about responsibility too. The moment you start taking back responsibility for your own happiness instead of letting it depend on other people and outer circumstances is the moment you will start to heal. I'm not saying you're gonna be magically alright and nothing bad will ever happen again. What I'm saying is you'll be fine with not yet being alright, or not being alright all the time. You'll grow so strong and confident when you realize how much power you really hold, that when a bad thing comes along it might make you struggle , it might even knock you down, but it will not knock you out.

You can think of creating meaning as a time travel – when it's too difficult experiencing the here and now, you can travel to your future self, a few years from that moment, and see how you did benefit from it after all.

Be your own kind of brave

Learning to say No, for me, started with still saying Yes, but then saying No somewhere in the middle. It started with saying maybe to gain some time. And to use that time to realize that I should've said No. It started with more fuck ups, than successes.

Here's a little story about a time I messed up quite badly:

A friend asked me to join him on a holiday. I agreed to accompany him to a trip to Italy, visiting a Rainbow Gathering. (Rainbow Gatherings are not festivals. They're intentional gatherings of all kinds of people who come together for a month somewhere in nature to cook together, sing around the fires, make workshops, share experiences and generally come together as 'a family'.)

We wanted to take a flight there, but the flight was cancelled. We both decided to hitchhike our way down to Italy. But boy, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into.

Being 2 months in on this journey of self-discovery my mind was already overflowing with information to proccess, and these days of hitchhiking were no better. Being constantly surrounded by the noise of the highway, lacking sleep, lacking structure or security in any kind of way. I was worn out after one day already, to be honest.

We were still in Germany, in a touristy town by a lake. The weather was beautiful, there was a fleamarket and the summer breeze rounded it all up. What an evening to be crying. Yet that's exactly what I was doing. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to run away so badly, be safe, go home.

I knew I couldn't keep it up, I told my friend I couldn't do the rest of the trip with him. Boy, was he upset. And of course he was. That was just anything but cool. He told me I was just being a coward.

But I knew, that I was just being my own kind of brave.

It's a process

You know, it's a funny thing. I started playing guitar a few months ago. And it's working, without a proper teacher or anything. Okay, that's not funny. But here's something that is:

This is not the first time I'm trying to learn the guitar. I did so 5 years ago, and even with a teacher.

I just didn't have the right mindset. I was the all or nothing kind of person. Way too perfectionist to ever get anything done. I picked up the guitar, tried and failed. It didn't sound like those great musicians I admired. So obviously I just didn't have it in me. Practice was tiring and success so slim it didn't seem promising.

So what was different this time?

I started slow. I started with a Ukulele which is a way more thankful instrument than guitar could ever be. You get easy success and a feeling for string instruments and strumming. Everything else came naturally. I got bored, I wanted more variety, more possibility.

I didn't fear failure. When making a mistake stopped meaning that I am a mistake, it was okay. It maybe wasn't fun, but it was endurable.

I could cherish the small silver lining, instead of waiting for the big fireworks. Every success, no matter how little, I could appreciate as making some kind of progress. And everything else is just perseverence. And trust me, stubborn I am.

I'm still working very much to stay in that perspective, but it got me way further than being perfectionist ever has.

So be gentle with yourself. Be kind in your words, as you would be with your friends. Let yourself make the mistakes you are learning from. Give yourself the space you need, and fill it with whatever is there. Whether it be laughter, or tears, or screams, or running from things, or letting go completely. Fill it. Let yourself be empty, let yourself be overflowing. Let yourself be.

[derangedroyalfae]

Dear Mother, (a very personal letter I'll never send to my mom last updated Oct 20, 2017)

Dear Mother,

It seemed only right that I should write you a letter too, since that is one of your ways of getting things off your chest. You should know that I am grateful for everything you’ve done for me, for every step you have take by my side, the support you have given, but I need you to understand why I get frustrated and have a hard time communicating with you and members of this family about certain situations.

It was not true when you claimed that you recommend I see a psychiatrist. You suggested a therapist to me, but never gave me the other idea. In fact, when I told you that I wanted to see one and even got a referral, you lectured and interrogated me and tried to make me feel like the problems I was having weren’t real and even just possibly from sleep deprivation. You need to understand that it wasn’t a matter of just one night I had the impulse to see Dr. S and ask to see a psychiatrist. No. It was months and weeks of contemplating and convincing. I had to try so hard just to convince myself that I wasn’t wrong for doing so. Do you know how often I felt wrong for seeing a therapist because I was made to feel that my depression and “problems” were insignificant compared to others, especially those in this family. I had to tell myself that there was an actual problem I was having, that it wasn’t just out of jealousy or to feel special. After years and semesters of failing classes and falling behind, I knew I had to stop. I felt like a burden and failure, wasting everyone’s time and my father’s money. I was struggling so hard. When I finally made the decision to take it into my own hands and inquire for help, I thought you would be proud of me. But you weren’t. The very first night I saw Dr. G, you sat me down and told me how disappointed you were in me for deciding to take medication. And of course, as dad handed me my first bottle of pills he told me that he doesn’t think I need them. Then when I finally came out to Bear and Bunny, more lectures and disappointment. I still try though, when I up or down my dosage, I tell you, but every time I do, I still feel and hear how disappointed me you are, even if you don’t say it directly, it’s there, in the questions, in the need for you to hear me prove myself to you. I remember when I first saw Lauren after making the decision and I immediately jumped into explaining myself, and she was saying I didn’t need to. Then there was the fact that you had previously shown concern for me, too scared to let me stay home alone during the winter holidays, but not cautious enough to let me see a psychiatrist and get regulated help on medication?

You had given me a bit of a hard time for not having a job once, but the moment I started searching for one, you almost freaked out and became incredibly concerned. But you need to understand why I was desperate to get one. You wanted to rule it out to me wanting to be independent and responsible, and while I do want to be that, you were expecting me to pay $75 a month for my bus pass when I was only given $30 a month (to which you justified it as a means to encourage me to get my permit, but I hadn’t the time, money or resources to do that the semester you made me start. It felt incredibly unfair since you two had paid for Cat’s gas and car up until she was 21, and I had just turned 19). I wanted to be useful too, to those I love and in the household. The economy is so hard right now, and I hate asking for things, no matter how much I love to be spoiled. And then there’s the matter of a license and permit. You cannot say I didn’t try. I kept asking dad to sign me up for driver’s ed since I turned fifteen. Eventually he did, and so the day or two before the first day of my senior year, I took and failed my first test. They told me to come back in a week at the soonest, but it never happened for a number of reasons, some my fault as well, but I was preoccupied with my academic life. I finally got back to it and kept trying again at my permit test, I even made my own appointment and took the bus, which surprised you for some reason. And then, when I passed, I walked home because I was so proud of myself. But we were all too busy to teach me. Over winter break last year I had gotten a lesson from my friend, Stephen. He swung by our house and took me to American High and I learned a little bit. You can’t say that I never tried or took any initiative. I have even been more than willing to pay for my permit test this time around. I know it seems like I've been putting it off, but I've still been so preoccupied and a bit short on money, though that is fault of my own. 

I know I get narcissistic and can be self-righteous brat at times, but believe me, I KNOW. I am well aware that I’m far from perfect and have my many flaws. I only act that way as a mean to help me forget that I am not that way. No one can call me on my bull better than I can. My depression is linked to a lot of self-deprecating thoughts a majority of the time, which I’m sure is something you could relate to with your past experiences, and probably to an even more severe degree. But just because my problems don’t make me want to end my life or hurt myself do not mean they are not problematic or very real to me. It hasn’t been easy, and I know it’s even harder for you, and I know it’s so hard for you to hear this, but you need to stop blaming yourself and thinking that I feel this way because you’re a bad parent. It’s not about you or that. It’s about miscommunications and misunderstandings, and forces beyond our control like genetics and life and then so much more. 

I know I’ve been a bad sister to Bunny, and believe me when I say that I feel such incredible guilt for that, but you don’t understand how hard it is for me to deal with her. You’re her parent, her superior, etcetera and so on. I am her little sister. I used to look up to her so much and saw her as my epitome of beauty. Now all I can do is feel like an anxious mess incapable of currently getting along with the person that’s helped contribute to my self-deprecating thoughts and fears and other issues. I only bring this up because I know how important family is to you, it’s very important for me too, but I worry that you see me so negatively for how I am around my sister. I could not explain just how much panic and guilt I feel when I hear her voice raise. I go and lock my door and hope that will be enough, and seeing as how she once attacked my door, I feel like that my fear can be valid at times. I love her, but I feel like she judges every little thing I say.

I know I seem like I’m ever so happy and have my cool, but I struggle so much to even come off that way. I try my best to seem and be happy to keep those around me from feeling the way I do or worse. You have helped me through most of my life, and you and my father support me finically as well, without the two of you, I couldn’t see anyone for mental health or go to school, but I feel like you don’t understand were I’m coming from. I cringe so much writing this, feeling like such an ungrateful chit (not a typo) to you. But at the same time, it only feels fair. I’m glad you recognize my positive qualities and actions, but I wanted to explain the others. I don’t know if I’ve said too much or if I should even say any of this. I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m not trying to ridicule or belittle you, but I just want to inform you.

With all my love,

Royal Fae

Post Script:

There is something I'd like to say when it comes to Nurd as well. I understand you not wanting me to get pregnant out of wedlock to protect me, my body, and my future, but whether or not I have an active sex life should not change how you see me. When I tell you that I am not going to get pregnant anytime soon, even if I was sharing a bed every night with Nurd, because it's NOT possible, and that's not because of the birth control, I mean it! Besides the fact that there is nothing I can't do in a bed at night that I couldn't do any other time or place. I've slept next to Nurd countless amounts of times, full house or home alone, being in a bed at night will not change anything. Sleeping next to someone does not equate to sex or sexual acts. Even if it does, it shouldn't be the reason for the way you see me. I am your child and you should not need to think of me in such ways. And I don't understand how you can regret letting Bear and Erick share a room (even way before talk of engagement) when there was nothing to regret that came out of it. They didn't get pregnant out of wedlock, are now happily married, and expecting their first child. I don't crave to sleep next to Nurd so I can commit sexual acts with him. It is the closeness and comfort I seek. 

I know it's hard for you to believe that I suffer from an occasionally severe depression, but the night you made him leave my room was a night I was at a very big low. I had already woke up that morning feeling depressed and hopeless (I had been having a hard time focusing, staying awake, or being interested in tasks that I enjoyed), only to have my heart crushed by being refused by Spirit Halloween. Not only was I unable to finish my job at a workplace I loved, an environment I felt so at home and comfortable in, but now I would be a burden to those around me. I had no job and no one that I applied to that was hiring called me back despite it being over a week. I wanted to finally start paying rent. I wanted to be working, useful, not a total shut in. I had to lay on Muffin's floor and cry it out after it happened, not being able to fathom telling the rest of the family since I was sure to have a meltdown again. 

That night, I was going to talk to Nurd, ask him to hang out with me in my room to keep me sane, I was crushing up inside, but felt like I'd be a burden and nuisance, so stood their holding his doorknob for a solid minute or two before taking position in front of his door like a beggar. I couldn't bring myself to go inside and bother him, but took comfort in listening in to him, being distracted from my thoughts. It wasn't until half an hour later when he opened the door I was leaning against that he discovered I had been there. He finished his business and decided to join me. I hadn't meant to be loud, but it was a much welcomed distraction to me that I was being inconsiderate of my surroundings. After he left I have a full blown breakdown because I was left alone with no way to distract myself. I cried from 2AM-4AM and had self-harming thoughts that scared me very much since I NEVER get those. And I did end up bitting myself and clenched my arm with my nails to cause a distraction from the pain. I had a good 10 minutes of just silently staring out my window, jaw agape, whilst drool, snot, and tears rolled off my face and into my lap. I needed the support, and I'm sorry to say, but I would have denied yours. It's hard to accept help from those who make you feel as though you don't need it. 

Perhaps I said too much on this, but I was just hoping you understand why I needed him that night. I respect your rules and do not expect you to eliminate any, but if only you'll alter or ease them a little when it comes to that. Instead of staying in a bed with him, I'll gladly sleep on the couch. 

I believe I've told you my views on marriage before. As of this point in time, the legal definition of marriage is binding people financially. The spiritual form is very sweet and like the icing on the cake. But the deities are always watching. Mother Nature is always surrounding. Little rituals are almost unnecessary when you love someone enough to want to spend your life with them. If it would change your views on my closeness with Nurd, we'd both gladly get civilly married (he has stated this to me, so I mean it when I say both), though it would put us in a sport of financial trouble. We'd even be willing to get married in a not legal but spiritual and religious sense. To me, we are already bound, though. We are partners and will continue to be whether a piece of paper or a God or Goddess says so or not. I will spend the rest of my life with him in sickness and in health, I will love him full hearted, to be mine and to hold, and I will feel this exact way whether or not I had a piece of paper from a judge and/or ritual led by a priest or high priestess. 

[borderline-vent]

So I know this is a vent blog but honestly like

I'm really grateful to my fp for helping me learn how to handle not only my bpd, but my other personality disorders, too. Whether it's avpd or avpd traits is a little up in the air w my therapist right now- at this point the list is kind of long and we're focusing on managing symptoms rather than what precise label goes where - but npd is a definite. When I met my fp I was mostly just questioning npd traits; I realized as I learned more about it and talked more to my therapist that I have, like, The Whole Thing. You know how it goes.

I'm determined not to be my mother who I suspect has bpd and npd traits -probably not the whole disorder, but some of our thought patterns and perceptions have been pretty similar in that regard -and kind of ruins everyone's life she touches, including mine. She's badly fucked her own self over, her husband I really don't think she abuses but he also seems uninvolved in some pretty significant ways; he just kind of let her do whatever she wanted to us, believed her over us, and she hides some of her worst abuse from him- like hitting me with a hanger, and choking my sibling and throwing them to the floor to scream at them and not letting us tell him what happened. She's also just manipulative and controlling and blames everyone else for her negative feelings and anything that goes wrong, even (especially) when it's her fault (sort of how her throwing me into a wall as a teenager was my fault somehow... lol). So that's oart of my motivation to work hard with therapy and learn to manage all this stuff, but really put some focus into managing my narcissism. It's not going to benefit me, or anybody else, if I'm unselfaware and I just treat people like shit all the time -which I don't, but I don't ever want to, and there are always places I can improce as a person.

It's hard to be honest and fucking excruciating to be vulnerable. I have a huge ego and a massive rift in self-esteem, I can't confront shame (so I use other mechanisms to motivate me to adjust problematic behavior) and I'm incapable of self-compassion, which apparently is essential for healing your inner child or something. I guess my inner child is just going to have to stay broken, but I can work on other things.

Fp has aspd and npd, which I think I've mentioned here before; and he's conscientious enough and makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to him about new things in my life, even things that make me feel vulnerable. We don't have all the same symptoms of course, but we share several, and he's got a lot of experience learning how to manage comorbid personality disorders, and when I'm really struggling he's extremely helpful in clearing my perception- and often he's the only person I feel comfortable enough to talk to about it, given that childhood abuse gave me such trouble with trust. I've known him for nearly 2 years now, and he's only ever demonstrated more commitment to treating me well, and so I trust him. I mean, I don't /really/ trust anybody. But I trust him more than anyone else, and he's made me feel more comfortable being secure and he's never been malicious or gaslit me or been cruel to me or put me down or any of the shit some other people have done.

I've also learned a lot about how dysfunctional my family is- for instance, defensiveness to the point of making an ass of yourself instead of correcting your mistakes, seems to be a family trait. Stuff like that is pretty frustating, given I'm (still) too sick to work and I have to live with them (but with therapy and a purse full of medicine I'm getting there). I isolate here a lot, because communication breaks down so easily, and then I get frustrated, and I don't want to snap at people and I want to try to identify what I could do to smooth interactions; and some things I'm oversensitive to because they remind me of my abusive mother (but apparently I'm not allowed to say "hey please don't do this because I have a history with it happening to me in greater degree and it's bad" because then I get accused of comparing people to my mother... anyway I spend a lot of time by myself.

Recently I've been deep in a ptsd swing because an alter got a (shiny!new!) flashback to our csa and so we had a bad couple of weeks tbh but it seems like that's smoothing out now. I haven't had a flashback or a panic attack in a couple of days and the nightmares are better too.

And I've realized that a lot of what I was so worried about before -a lot of what I yelled about on this blog actually- was just... not all an inaccurate perception on my part, but that I noticed changes in communication with fp and reacted to them in a characteristically borderline way. I correctly registered that he seemed more withdrawn, was less warm, etc. And when we talked about it, he told me he still liked me just as much as ever, but he was depressed, like we'd been talking about, and he had less energy and he just hadn't been expressing it the way he had when he'd felt better. And that's something I'm familiar with, because it's super common with depression and I've withdrawn like that, too.

He told me this friendship, and his being my fp, is important to him and he wants to maintain it, and he was glad I shared my feelings with him, because he wants to know if there's a issue. I told him that while I didn't want to make him feel taxed while he's depressed (or at all), more expression would ameliorate my anxiety and make me feel more secure. He didn't blame me for feeling the way I did, didn't try to make it my fault (it wasn't anyone's fault; I have my symptoms and he has his and we communicate out limitations and work on issues together) just told me he appreciated me, my friendship, and my communicating with him, and he'd adjust his behavior to help remind me I was liked and valued. And he has, and his depression has gotten better with meds, and I feel better (and the fact he was so receptive and so willing to put in the effort also made me feel better) and he's helped me as I've been stressed over family drama (my mother having some drama with other family members- I need to figure out somehow who's telling the truth but it's gonna be uhhh stressful) and over the new piece of trauma we remembered (not good) and the worsening of ptsd symptoms.

I feel stable in our friendship, and have done for several weeks now, and that's been the defining trend of our friendship over two years. It's fucking hard for me to feel stable or secure in friendships, especially with fps and especially when I have strong romantic feelings for them, but he puts in a lot of effort to help me feel that way, /and to help me improve my baseline ability to feel that way./

Our friendship is predicated in many ways on what's most useful; for instance, it's beneficial to him to put in that effort because I feel better, and so there's less maintenance work he needs to do. That's not a drawback; we genuinely like each other and enjoy one another's company, and help each other a lot, and while it's not an empathetic friendship from his side, it's a kind ans supportive one, a safe one, a sheltering one, a comfortable and profoundly important one. It's the strongest and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and it's done as much or maybe even more than therapy has to get me through struggling times and improve the way I feel about myself and other people.

This is a long fucking post right now but like. I'm really grateful for this man. I always have been. I have strong emotional reactions to real or percieved abandonment, and I see it everywhere, but he never tries to make me feel bad for it, just helps me feel better. I yell a lot on this blog but there's a reason I haven't really posted here in a while (and other things go wrong elsewhere but I usually post about that on my other blog. That's where my ptsd and family vents went.) I have an as-soon-as-possible goal to get myself well enough to work, and save enough money to move so that I can live where he lives. I'll finally be away from toxic family (telecontact, I'm sure, but still a meaningful distance) and regularly able to see the most important person in my life, and I think that has a lot of potential to help with my mental health.