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batsplat · 15 days

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Vale to my knowledge has made up with all his rivals bar Marc, he’s even made up with Jorge who he said with the help of Marc where in kahoots to keep him from the 2015 title so I’m wondering what about Marc makes it impossible to make up with him also post 2015 what were the changes that 2015 made Marc go through cause the way he presented himself post 2015 was so different. Also despite Marc saying he doesn’t care anymore about 2015 I think that’s a big fat lie. (Also despite vale not liking Marc post 2015 he never put Marc ability down of anything he was like no he actually is good and I was wondering if that stems from just acknowledgment that Marc is an amazing rider and like skill recognises skill)

Sorry this got long

valentino is actually quite straightforward with this: it depends on what bond you had with him at the point in time where the feud gets going. so on the one hand you've got riders like biaggi, casey and jorge, where they don't have any sort of significant bond with valentino to be destroyed... and on the other you've got sete and marc. sete's the other big one where... okay, on paper, valentino's publicly moved past it, but it's also pretty obvious he hasn't actually forgiven sete. and, crucially, he's also the other rival who valentino was friends with before things got ugly between the pair of them. the distinction between the two categories of rivals kinda becomes obvious once you pick up on it

in his autobiography, published in 2005, he puts it like this:

included in this post, where I talk about the preconditions needed for valentino to hold a grudge against a rival. like here:

as I said in that post, I think in general he can engage in rivalries where he doesn't let the animosity get to him - though he knows himself well enough to understand that it can be a good idea to take things personally. he's said as much in relation to sete:

that and the extended quote is discussed in this post, and in general I do come back to the sete rivalry a lot when discussing how things with marc went down (see here if you're interested in reading more about that rivalry). valentino needs rivals to motivate himself, he likes having someone to bounce off of, to define himself against... and that is something he's deliberately integrated into his competitive process. that being said, there's a line... this type of ultra-personal rivalry like the kind he has with sete doesn't really feel like the mode of engagement that's the most comfortable to him. sete is for the most part carefully excluded from the narrative of his autobiography - but it's worth pointing out that the autobiography quote I included above, "if I were betrayed by a friend, then, yes, I could hate him", was published in the immediate aftermath of the drama with sete. we don't know whether that was a conscious reference to sete, but it could be. and at that same time, in 2005, valentino was also distancing himself from his new rival - who just happened to be his childhood friend melandri (more on that here). it's just speculation, but you do wonder whether valentino had been burnt enough by the sete rivalry that he wanted a slightly neater separation between the professional and the private. see:

by the time he gets to dani, casey and jorge, he's a lot more disciplined with this I reckon. he's always had a pretty friendly relationship with dani, of course, one that doesn't seem to have been massively affected by how dani was supposed to be the challenger to the throne (more on their relationship here). still, they weren't friends, and valentino was always aware that dani might end up challenging him for titles. casey's an interesting one because he wasn't supposed to be the challenger... casey thinks that valentino pulled back a little when casey established himself as a competitive threat - but at the end of the day, this is all quite cold-blooded on valentino's part. they're rivals, valentino is establishing some distance, no real emotional investment on valentino's part or friendship that could be ruined. more on that push and pull dynamic here, which includes this bit:

healthy professional distance! as far as valentino is concerned, in any case. I think that's the way I like framing that distinction, yeah, where you've got "intensely personal rivalries where each offence is deeply felt" and... not that. casey is very much in the 'not that' category. they were never friends, casey developed in spades the ability to piss valentino off, but he could never hurt valentino. the same is if anything even more true with jorge, who basically got the cold shoulder treatment from valentino from day one. at least valentino had pretty good repartee with both dani and casey... this seems to have been pretty absent in the jorge dynamic. the interpersonal coldness will definitely have been exacerbated by how jorge got the yamaha seat, making him an immediate direct threat from valentino from inside his house... but it may have existed independently of that too. like, honestly I do just think valentino disliked jorge's vibe lol. here is more on their dynamic in 2008-10, which does ofc include discussion of valentino's approach to that rivalry:

so valentino had less than zero interest in befriending jorge, which does help. this is just good old fashioned honest dislike, zero pretence. as I discuss in that post, they did manage to be mostly civil to each other for the first two years of their partnership, but 'civil' is really as far as they would go. like, this is the kind of thing that was being said the first time that partnership ended

god I miss them so bad

anyhow, by the time you get their second partnership, they've made it back to being mostly civil - until the entire drama kicks off in 2015. it's not all that surprising that valentino has been willing to bury the hatchet with jorge. while valentino did at the time say something along the lines of how jorge's reaction was making him think jorge was really in on the whole thing, for the most part valentino clearly thought of jorge just as a passive beneficiary of the whole marc affair. he was still pissed at jorge in 2016, believing that he'd put a lot more effort into keeping that relationship civil from 2013-15 than jorge had... but once their teammate partnership ended for the second time, he was basically willing to call it bygones

so... if post-sete valentino knows himself well enough to understand that a sort of impersonal, shallow hatred towards his rivals is the best way to motivate himself, then how on earth did things go so badly wrong with marc? why was marc the kind of friend who could betray valentino in the first place? I had a stab at answering that question here, and I think a large part of it is the competitive context of the previous few years. the long and short of it is that valentino had spent several years in competitive wilderness, knew his time fighting for titles had almost certainly come to an end... and was perfectly primed to see marc at least in part as a successor, as someone who had made himself in valentino's image, rather than an enemy. see this bit:

and it's also discussed here:

the way this process of distancing himself from rivals works is... I reckon there's a dual purpose here. on the one hand, you just need to put yourself in the right head space to fight someone, right. you need to motivate yourself, make yourself as determined as is possible to beat the other guy. friendship complicates things, it takes away a little bit of that 'violence' that is needed to maximise performance. valentino is a storyteller, he needs his victories to mean something - and who he's defeating is a key part of the story. there's an element there of wanting to build up the opponent in his head... you can be friendly with your rivals, sure, remain more or less cordial (as he was for the most part with casey and even jorge when they were actually fighting for titles), but that's very different from friendship. conversely, it was of course also part of his toolkit to be friendly with the opposition (x):

remember, for a while there he had a reputation for being an especially friendly racer - and it's an element of his game he never entirely abandoned. he did keep a little bit of that to him, even as he cultivated some distance with his biggest rivals... you could argue there's a little bit of that 'confusion' to early years casey, for instance. ruthless as a racer and charming in-person isn't always the easiest combination to deal with

the other purpose distancing yourself from the opposition serves is as... well, a bit of a self-protective mechanism, doesn't it? defending yourself from any potential future harm. maybe there's a little bit of that with the melandri dynamic in 2005... and then, of course, with marc in 2015. it's preempting the feud, in a way, almost like a method to emotionally protect yourself in case things get ugly. it does seem fairly clear that valentino feels more comfortable in the impersonal mode of rivalry, the stuff he did with biaggi, casey and jorge. he's happy enough to admit that he was responsible for at least some of the nastiness there - which he's recently talked about with biaggi:

which, y'know, that's not a million miles off the stuff he was already saying in his autobiography in 2005:

like there's not all that much of a progression here, not too much reflection needed. he's always known that he plays his part in making these rivalries ugly - he just doesn't really think there's any issue with that. it's part of the game. he's talked more broadly about how he thinks these rivalries are intrinsic to sports, how there's something natural to rivalries being a little bit nasty, how he thinks that sometimes the nastiness makes these rivalries more honest. how it's better to just admit you hate each other. that quote linked to above in which he talks about the sete rivalry also includes this bit:

but crucially, he does make a distinction as to where he thinks sete really went wrong: by playing a dirty game. ultimately, it's the same thing with marc... in the end, he feels like those no longer were 'honest' rivalries, that an important line has been crossed - and it's the previous friendship that makes this betrayal hurt so badly. which makes it unsurprising that some of these rivalries are a lot easier to move on from than others. valentino never cared about biaggi enough to have any real animosity towards him after their rivalry ended. he got over the casey thing by mid 2013 at the latest; with jorge, they were generally fine the moment they stopped being teammates. those are the kinds of rivalries valentino enjoys... ugly, yes, nasty from both sides, featuring two guys who desperately wish to beat each other, who violently hate each other (as valentino puts it)... but ultimately, this is just how the game works. this is sports. what happened with marc was something different altogether

the other elements of the ask... well, of course marc still cares about what happened. in terms of how he changed how he presents himself towards the outside world, I talk a bit about that here - in general, there's unsurprisingly a little more wariness from his side. the knowledge that many people now hate him, an awareness that what he says will gladly be used against him... and yes, valentino has generally been quite disciplined in how he criticises marc. we've already established that this type of rivalry isn't particularly fun for valentino - and he didn't exactly enjoy 2016 either. not just because he had lost the title, but also because that increased level of vitriol and toxicity kinda got to all of them. for the first few races, he's still caught up in his own bitterness and resentment and frustration, but that's just not really how he can approach competition. he needed that slight rapprochement with marc because he needs to be able to enjoy himself. none of this was fun anymore

knowing how intensely people reacted to this rivalry is I think part of the reason why valentino is so wary of needlessly adding fuel to the fire. the casey rivalry provides the easiest contrast as it's... well, look, I discuss all of that here, but it's basically the rivalry where valentino undoubtedly did respect the other guy's raw ability but was also far more willing to take cheap shots at him when the mood struck. like, tonally that rivalry is completely different, because casey and valentino are willing to just pick the lowest hanging fruit imaginable and throw it in each other's faces. but that kinda tells you how it simply was not that serious from valentino's perspective... it's basically just years worth of extremely petty bickering between two blokes who are extremely adept at pissing each other off. no hard feelings once it's all over (from valentino's end, anyway). marc and valentino are the complete opposite. valentino barely criticises marc, doesn't react adversely to any of their on-track confrontations in 2016-17, at most drops an ever so slightly snide remark about the "special treatment" marc has for him - but clarifies he thinks that part is fine, because it's just good honest battle, right. even when marc harasses valentino with his towing addiction as late as 2019, valentino basically goes, 'well he's a dickhead, but you gotta hand it to him' (discussion here):

he also never diminishes marc's skill as a rider, is always willing to acknowledge just how good he is. there's this pair of clips I always come back to (2014/2018):

like, I do think this is kinda notable. he's sticking by what he said in 2014, he's not going to take easy shots at marc just because. again, the casey contrast is pretty funny here, because both of them are pretty sensitive to having their achievements diminished in that manner and both of them are more than happy to do exactly that to each other. it's just a far more straightforwardly spiteful rivalry than what marc and valentino have got going on. valentino is far more careful in not diluting his core complaint with any petty day-to-day complaints. and yes, I am aware that there's an obvious exception to this rule - argentina 2018. I give my take on that whole situation here, but my general stance is that I really don't think valentino was just looking for an excuse to reignite the feud... if he had been sufficiently motivated, he really could have been more bitchy in 2017 than he was. he just lost his head because marc managed to severely piss him off, he worsened a feud he wasn't actually trying to worsen, and while he never walked the comments back... well, it's kinda notable he doesn't exactly repeat them either, isn't it? for him, his grievance is still completely sepang 2015. argentina 2018 doesn't really feature. that incident is the exception that proves the rule, in a way

so yeah, mostly I reckon valentino's continued open respect towards marc's abilities as a rider is a question of convenience, of not wanting to unnecessarily increase tensions. valentino doesn't actually get that much out of keeping this feud going; there is a reason why he's been very happy to call it bygones with most of his rivals once there's no longer any competitive purpose to hating the other guy. the reason why this feud still exists at all is because it hurt him on a personal level - and that's why he still talks about it. that's less strategy and more compulsion. that being said, valentino is hardly being dishonest when he's complimenting marc as a rider; he's not saying things he doesn't really believe. he's always been aware of how good marc is, after all - and to him, that's not why they actually ended up fighting. that valentino has been so disciplined over the years in what he criticises marc about is a function of how deeply felt that rivalry is to him, almost like he wouldn't want to taint it with more lowly complaints. it'd be a healthier rivalry if valentino and marc had just insulted each other for several years straight... instead it'll continue on, unabated. a special rivalry until the bitter end

#bit of a clip show post but i need to get better at just answering asks #rather than letting them rot in my inbox when i feel i don't have anything particularly novel to add #//#batsplat responds #brr brr #i wOn'T sAy He'S iNTeLLigeNT bEcaUse THAt's a biG wOrD #idol tag

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herebecritters · 9 months

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Some Nergal disguises/characters

#htf #happy tree friends #htf nergal #htf be brave #Htf oc #he has so many I love drawing them #warmups #I tell y’all it feels good to be back in the drawing saddle #he’s so theatrical HA #yes the idol itself kinda counts but I guess that’s more of a…double or substitute than a disguise #an avatar is probably a better word #either way it’s a way for him to ‘safely’ interact face to face with the surface world #he gets SO BORED being alone in his burrow #yes he does have a character named creamy what’s your point?

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lizard-tail · 4 months

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Gojo Satoru’s attempt to change the Jujutsu society was sadly always doomed to fail

Now, first lets get some things out of the way:

Gojo, after Nanami, is one of the best supporting adults for the students. He helps them and protects them during missions, is in general a good mentor that gives them helpful advice, and wants them to fare better than himself and his contemporaries.

I do not criticise Gojo’s attempts to change the Jujutsu society. It needs an absolute overhaul and he does it to make the lives of children better.

His strategy of change through teaching is very commendable and absolutely needed overall, just so the children can have a functioning adult support system.

But all of that does not change the fact that it was overall always doomed to fail, as it was barely holding the unforgiving nature of the Jujutsu society in check.

Jujutsu Society

The Jujutsu society itself seems to see themselves above non-sorcerers and their laws. I mean they are all normal residents of normal, democratic, modern Japan, right? But they absolutely do not care about Japan’s laws in the slightest. They can and do execute whoever they want, are beyond the judicial system and have child soldiers. And that’s just the absolute major laws of non-sorcerers they ignore. At the same time, it seems they see it as absolutely normal to just exist in Jujutsu society, and recruit every child with a Curse Technique to their fight, as if they all inherently must do it.

Gojo and his place in the system

Gojo, maybe more than anyone else, was the ultimate product of the Jujutsu society. He was at the same time treated like 1) an idolized sign of strength with powers of a demi-god as “The Strongest”, while also 2) the greatest sacrificial lamb raised up for the slaughter as “The Strongest”. It’s a paradoxical position, but a position utterly entrenched in the system. And not only in the system but in Jujutsu existence overall, because his birth changed the balance.

No other character is so integral interwoven into Jujutsu itself and its resulting system as he is. They way the society is now (curse users hiding, more stronger curses…) is because of Gojo, and Gojo is a product of the society (held up as the strongest, him stemming the whole society on his back…). He was raised in it, lived in it, it’s the only society he experienced. So many negative aspects of the Jujutsu society are so normalized for him, he doesn’t even pay it any mind. Because IMO for Gojo those are not aspects of a society that can be changed, but are facts of life.

Normalized endorsement?

Because lets be real: Gojo wants to change the life of the students for the better. That they are not so isolated as he was. That they don’t lose their innocence so soon. All very great things. But he does NOT question the existence of child soldiers!

Child soldiers and being a child soldier is so normalized for Gojo, that he does not acknowledge/mention the fact that joining a Jujutsu High School and becoming official Jujutsu sorcerers is, by default the loss of their innocence, because they become child soldiers.

(Yes, I know it’s a shounen manga and of course teenagers are the protagonists/heroes, but that’s just a lame and too easy excuse. Especially because JJK plays, deconstructs and subverts a lot of normal shounen tropes at the moment by giving a horrifying insight what it means to be a child soldier. Don’t bring up the horror of child soldiers and then don’t commit)

Gojo himself, despite his good intentions and good actions, often still falls back onto the methods and the system of the Jujutsu society by not really monitoring their missions despite info that it’s not going as planned (Megumi and Sukuna’s finger), sending his students into danger to unlock Yuta’s potential, and most of all, still training children to be child soldiers. Being a child soldier is so ingrained in himself and his surroundings that despite his overall positive actions to better their lives as child soldiers, he does not mention making meaningful changes to lessen their existence as child soldiers.

Lessening the Burden

Because there are changes that the Jujutsu society overall could arrange that would lessen their burden as child soldiers:

Not letting them be unsupervised on missions without an experienced adult sorcerer

Age restriction for the different sorcerer classes despite their innate power and abilities

Only allowing a certain number of missions per month/week

Of course, now there will be people saying that they have to little sorcerers for that, and they need them otherwise more people will die. And yes. There would be most likely more people that die by curses. But at the same time it’s possible that better adjusted sorcerers who were better protected and supported as children have a better rate of survival leading to more sorcerers and saved lives (that would need an impossible case study).

And also: people die. That sounds harsh, but it is true. I mean we all know the articles and studies about world hunger in some countries, and food waste in industrial countries. Horrible working conditions for fast fashion or getting resources. How man-made climate change effects will lead to massive changes and most likely a lot of death and so on. Just massive, horrible failures of systems and societies that take deaths and pain into account. And in contrast to the real-world issues, the Jujutsu sorcerers are not responsible for curses and the subsequent deaths of people. Especially not the children that have a right to be protected.

Now again, that’s not the fault of Gojo at all. But it noticeable that he does not question the existence of child soldiers and does not attempt to make systematic changes. Instead, he focuses on individuals to leave a lasting impression on them.

The issue of class and hierarchy

The power of the Jujutsu society lies in the higher ups made up from very old, established clans and family lines. Gojo’s rank as clan head means he has also a lot of political power. He is basically empowered two times over. So he can throw a lot of power and influence around and force a lot of things his way (eg. Protecting Yuta and Yuuji from execution, taking Megumi from the Zennin…). But as with his sorcerer powers, he is mostly isolated from the others around him regarding his political powers. Noone else close to him has as much political influence as he does, in many ways it’s the opposite as his closest allies and students are despised by the higher ups.

Yuta and Yuuji were to be executed, Inumaki is from a clan that’s despised and hunted down, Hakari was suspended, Maki is hated by her clan, Panda is an abomination, Nobara is from the country. Megumi had greatest chance of getting political power, but was basically booted out as soon as possible by the established clan. The adults also wield barely any influence. Nanami and Shoko are high ranking sorcerers but have nothing to do with politics and the system and rather keep out of the way. Yaga has the political power but was regarded as a dangerous and killed off as soon as possible. Tokyo Jujutsu High is basically a ragtag group of unwanted sorcerers. As soon as Gojo was out of the way the Jujutsu society at large did their best to boot everyone around him into insignificant positions and the edges of the Jujutsu society, having no influence on the wider scale of it.

It's a contrast to Kyoto High, especially in the beginning (before Gojo was sealed and everything got complete chaotic). Gakuganji is a very trusted and influential sorcerer, all the students at the Goodwill Event were trusted to execute their kill orders, the clan members are maybe not valued by the clans (and treated like shit) but they were accepted by them as long as they did not step a foot out of line. They are overall political and social better positioned in the Jujutsu society.

And that matters a lot. Because long-lasting reformation of a societal system through teaching can only really happen if you have continued access to the society and can inform and influence a major group of that system. As it was everything rested on Gojo and Gojo alone. We don’t know the exact numbers, but overall the Jujutsu society while seemingly small is a lot larger than the small group of students we follow. Larger in number than the individual students Gojo teaches and influences. Even if all of his students would hold on to his teachings and teach others as well in the future, it would need decades to permeate the Jujutsu society and meaningful change it in ways that would not be easily changed back. And because a lot of it hinges on the continued presence and power of Gojo, it was sadly always a very shaky house of cards. Or like the meme showed, a flex tape trying to hold back water.

Conclusion: Gojo Satoru did make meaningful and needed changes especially for the life of individuals and showed aspects of the Jujutsu society that need to be overhauled. But it was never enough for long-lasting, permanent change as it did nothing to the inherent brokenness of the Jujutsu society and its use of child soldiers and its hierarchy of classism. Without breaking those things all of his efforts were generally doomed to fail. (I guess everything post-Shibuya achieved something at least)

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen meta #jjk meta #meta #gojo satoru #jujutsu society #I know some of it will be controversial but these are my honest thoughts #It just adds to the tragedy of Gojo #“When granted everything you can't do anything”#Jujutsu society is just so inherently broken and needed a full on reset #I know it's a shounen #but goddamn someone save the children from being child soldiers 2k24 #they ALL deserved better #I hope you all don't mind my ramblings #but Gojo being a paradoxical demi-god idol sacrificial lamb and all of its resulting tragedy is making me insane right now #“When granted everything you can't do anything” I have to repeat it because its Gojo personified in a quote #a quote he himself said #I just can't get over it. Please help me my sanity is lost #the unending tragedy of Gojo Satoru #But also: please enjoy the meme I think it is hilarious :)

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youngpettyqueen · 1 year

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the thing is I do like the idea of an episode where Radar learns to let go of the hero worship he has for Hawkeye because I think putting them on equal footing is ultimately for the better and strengthens their friendship but im far more interested they go about this not just by going Well Sometimes Hawkeye Sucks (which Fallen Idol fails to do anyways but ive done that rant before) but instead by having Hawkeye and Radar be in a dire situation where Radar has to be the one to get them out and the take away being that yes, Hawkeye isn't Superman and he's just as human as anyone, but also that Radar is far more capable than he thinks he is and gains a new sense of confidence

#mash #hawkeye pierce #radar o'reilly #ultimately it works better for me if the point isnt to knock Hawkeye down a peg and is instead about raising Radar up #Hawkeye getting knocked down a peg can be a good thing but only if its done well and in Fallen Idol it just isnt #am I posting this because I have a fic idea? yeah

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hqbits · 5 days

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if i said these two (to me) had a similar dynamic would you think i was insane

#OK BUT LIEK #idolizing and glorifying someone they see as higher/better than them #and also being really fucking gay #do you get it. does anyone hear me #soapshipping #natsby #the great gatsby #fight club #jay gatsby #nick carraway #the narrator fight club #tyler durden #text post

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daisy7beauty · 2 years

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The bridge — Yunjin x reader (Part 1)

summary: Y/n hasn't lived a happy life, but maybe, an encounter at a bridge might change that

pairings: Huh Yunjin x fem!reader

tags: angst, it gets worse before it gets better, non!idol au

word count: 2,8k

warnings: su!cide, sexual abuse (implied/talked about but never described), abuse in general, violence, part 1 is just suffering (I'm sorry)

——————————

When y/n was young, her mother used to say that the strongest people hide their scars the best. Her mom often talked about suffering, pain, scars, and the inability to heal if you didn't try.

Y/n thought it had to do with the fact that her mother was deeply religious, to the point that she pushed her fate onto everyone near her, mainly y/n. When she thought about it now, she realized how obvious it was that all of that talk stemmed from a much different place but cut her some slack. She was just a child.

Y/n realized her misconception about her mother a few days after her eleventh birthday when she found her in the living room after she returned from school. It was Mother's Day, and she drew a picture of the two of them together at a playground just a few meters away from the apartment block they lived in and used to visit frequently. She wanted to ask her mother if she wanted to go there together and maybe get some ice cream after. Instead, she found her hanging body, face purple and puffed up like an overripe grape. She still can't eat them to this day, reminding her of that awful day.

Y/n found it funny now, the age-old saying that the daughter takes after the mother. Her father used to say it every time he got mad. That she looked like her, that she was just as useless as her, just as pathetic…he knew it cut deep. That y/n despised her mother the most out of every living being on the planet.

She knew it was wrong to hold such a grudge against a person that was long gone, but she couldn't help but feel that what her mother did was selfish.

Y/n knew that she was a bad person. Everyone said so when she confessed to what she felt about her mother, but she didn't care. That woman left her alone with her father, and that was enough.

That sick fuck, oh god, how she hated him. Every night she dreamed of the day she could finally escape from this hell hole, running out and never looking back.

She had a plan written out in her notebook from when she was thirteen. It had been altered and modified to be as effective as possible, but the main goal remained. Get enough money and leave forever.

Over the years, y/n had learned how to trick her father so that he would remain clueless about her plan. She knew that if he ever found out about what she'd been planning, it would be her end.

She had convinced him that she was taking extra classes after school to get better grades but, in reality, she started working at a cafe far away from their home. It took her around 30 minutes just to get there, but it was better than having her father find out.

The pay was abysmal, but after working there for almost four years and not spending a single won, she managed to save up to around 75,000,000₩.

The money is safely stored in an old backpack she used to wear in middle school. The good thing about her father not doing any cleaning or cooking is that he will never find where she hid it.

It's not as much as y/n would want, but because her father doesn't allow her to leave the apartment on weekends, she can't pick up the long shifts that would make it easier to gain more money.

“Y/n! Where's the dinner? It's almost eight!”

Speaking of the devil. The apartment door slammed shut with a loud bang. Y/n could hear his feet dragging on the floor, and combined with the slightly slurred speech, she could tell he was drunk again.

“It's on the stove. I wanted it to still be warm for you. I will plate it soon.”

Y/n responded to him, standing up from the small bed she was resting on. Since her mother died, they have never upgraded the furniture, well, her furniture.

She still had to sleep on the tiny bed with pink butterflies she got for her tenth birthday. She had to deal with her feet dangling over the edge while her father bought a new stone bed for himself every year, insisting that he needed it because of his back problems.

“I don't want it soon, y/n. I want it now. Now get your ass here so I don't have to do something I will regret.”

The girl clenched her fists before entering the kitchen, trying to calm down. It was wide and spacious, littered with the newest equipment, a complete 180° from her room that looked stuck in the past.

Her father was sitting on a chair in the center of the table. His hands gripping both edges, legs spread out as far as humanly possible. His chin was pointed upwards, eyes forming small slits from where his gaze followed y/n as she moved around. It was as if he was trying to show her who was the boss, who ran this household in any way possible.

“What's this?”

He asked as she started placing the food in front of him. Meat in the middle on the biggest plate, and rice in a bowl on the right. Side dishes belonged on the left and were organized by how much he liked them, kimchi always first, followed by the rest. A glass of chilled beer belonged next to the meat, closest to his hand.

“Bulgogi marinated in a sweet soy, sesame, and garlic sauce with-”

Her father cut her off mid-sentence, an irritated look on his face.

“I know what it is, y/n. I'm not dumb. I'm asking because I had the same meal yesterday. Are you getting lazy? No one will want to marry you if you can't switch it up sometimes.”

He scoffed at her, taking a long swing from his beer and placing it back on the table with unnecessary force.

“No…I just bought a bit more and didn't want to waste it. I can make something else if you want to…”

Y/n answered through gritted teeth, trying not to sound too annoyed as she knew what that would cost her. Her father just waved her off, mumbling under his breath how incompetent she was.

God, how much she just wanted to pick up the empty bottle of beer from the counter and smash it on his head, but that would get her nowhere. She just had to remind herself that this would soon be over.

Her birthday was tomorrow. In just a few hours, she will be eighteen. And then she will finally get out of here, the one-way ticket to Busan already in her bag.

As she got ready for bed that night, slipping on the worn-out pajamas that were too short on her, she checked on the hidden bag one last time, making sure that everything was in its place so that there was no way that anything would go wrong.

As she slid under the covers, the door to her room opened. The small crack let the light from the living room in and cast a dark shadow on the figure of her father. 'Enjoy it as much as you can, father.' Y/n thought, clenching her hands together as he removed the thin blanket from her body. 'Because this is the last time you will touch me like this.'

——————————

To her utter horror, when she returned from school the next day, her father was sitting in the kitchen, her 'secret bag' next to him on the floor, its contents spilling out on the pristinely clean linoleum, almost as if they were dirtying it. He had a glass of whisky in his hand, the cubes of ice in it almost melted and he was waiting, waiting for her.

“F-father-”

Y/n's voice trembled. Her expression betrayed how she felt. Wide eyes, mouth slightly open. The deafening silence was interrupted by her school bag falling on the floor, her fingers dropping it from shock.

“Good evening, my dear daughter…I realize that this is quite a special day for you.”

He paused for a while, looking her straight in the eyes. He was smirking slightly. It was the closest thing to a smile that y/n had ever seen from him.

Even before her mother died, he always had that constant look of disgust and utter disappointment reflected on his face. The only exception from this was when he beat her or came into her room late at night.

That look of pure power and satisfaction as he watched his daughter get forcefully put back into her 'rightful place' that he always described. Beneath him in every way possible.

“Happy birthday, y/n. I know you've been looking forward to this day for a long time. Do you even know how I felt? When I found this 'diary' of yours?”

He slammed the small book onto the table. The loud 'slap' made y/n flinch in place, hands instinctively moving up to shield her face. A habit she developed awfully young.

“I- When- When did you…”

Y/n couldn't will herself to finish the sentence. Her voice was so quiet that she could barely hear it. It felt like she was naked, stripped bare, and presented in front of her father to observe. His piercing dark eyes that have lost their humanity a long time ago, burrowing deep into her flesh.

She wanted to throw up. Not being able to stomach the way he looked at her. She could feel his superiority oozing out of him as she once again proved that he was two steps ahead of her.

“Almost a year ago. You didn't close your drawer properly. I guess you grew too comfortable, thinking I only entered your room at night and when you were there.”

He paused again, letting his words resonate around the room, taking a sip of his watered-down whiskey.

“You have no idea how hard it was for me to stop myself from beating you to death right that day when you returned from school. But that wouldn't be fair. That would be giving you the easy way out, leaving me in this shit hole alone and without anyone to make it more bearable. Then I wouldn't have someone to take my frustrations on.”

He stopped talking, mumbling something under his breath that y/n couldn't hear. Picking up the glass again, he took a long sip, clearing it of any remaining liquid before throwing it in her direction. It shattered against the door, his aim affected by the alcohol.

“You think you can just leave me here after everything that you put me through!”

His voice was getting louder by the second as he grabbed the bag and threw it at y/n in anger. For a moment, she had hoped that someone would hear the screaming and call the police, but she knew that even if someone did, it wouldn't change a thing.

Her father was a well-respected priest that always got away by saying that y/n was just a problematic teenager that didn't respect her father enough. Most of the police officers in their area attended his sermons and believed everything he fed them, like pigs.

The money spilled all over the floor, all of the hard work she put in in the last four years being trampled on by her sick son of a bitch father that couldn't even admit to his own faults.

“I don't think so…I don't think so…”

Her father kept repeating as he removed his belt, wrapping it around his hand. When the first hit came, she couldn't even cry out in pain, her body refusing to make noise, trained by the constant beatings and threats to make everything worse if she kept crying.

At first, she just stayed there, curled up on the floor as she took hit after hit, her skin darkening from the bruises. Her father slipped on some of the spilled banknotes and was now kneeling in front of her. She could see directly into his face, that twisted smirk mocking her.

'No, no, I can't continue living like this. What about my future, my dreams, my-'

Y/n's thought ran at a hundred miles per hour. She couldn't live like this anymore. She was an adult, a human being. Someone worthy of love and affection. Her father couldn't dictate her life anymore!

She gritted her teeth and reached for the bag just a few centimeters away from her reach. Y/n had gone over the contents of that bag a thousand times, so she knew a small switchblade rested in the small pocket on its right side. She had put it there as protection if she couldn't find a safe place to sleep at night and had to spend some time on the street.

Ignoring her father's hits, who had now switched from his belt to his hands, she slid the knife from its confinement, tightly gripping it by its base, the silver blade glinting under the fluorescent lights.

Her fingertips had gone white from the lack of circulation as she held it in her twitching hand. With as much force as she could exert in her uncomfortable position, she stabbed the blade into her father's side, holding it there for a short while, before twisting it.

The man let out a horrifying scream as he rolled away from her. Before he could even realize what was happening, she ripped it from him and buried it back inside, ignoring the pool of blood forming underneath him. She repeated her action several times, her face contorting with pent-up anger.

As he rolled around the floor in pain, she got up, ignoring the dozens of cuts and bruises on her as she ran out of the door, not even bothering to close it behind her. The only thing she had on her mind was to get away as far as possible. Somewhere he wouldn't be able to reach her.

Her lungs were burning, and her feet were in pain, the switchblade still clenched in her hand, droplets of blood dripping from the tip as she ran.

Y/n collapsed at the beginning of a bridge connecting two sides of the city, divided by a river, quietly flowing into the night. She was so tired it felt like it was lulling her into sleep, her eyes fluttering to a close every few moments as she fought to stay awake.

Despite the bridge being completely desolate, not even cars driving by, the sun was beginning to set, and she didn't want to be so vulnerable in an unfamiliar place in the dark. Her hand finally released the knife, letting it fall on the pavement, the sound reminding her of a bell.

“Oh my god!”

She heard someone exclaim and quick footsteps approaching her. Y/n didn't have enough energy to respond, so she just looked in the direction she heard the voice from.

She could see a tall figure of a girl running toward her, blonde hair almost glinting in the orange sun, making her look otherworldly. As the girl got closer, y/n could recognize the same school uniform she herself had on.

“Y/n? Is that you? God, what happened?”

The girl's face appeared in front of her, a look of genuine concern staring down at her.

“Yunjin…?”

She wanted to laugh. What were the chances of her school's resident troublemaker finding her beaten half to death in a ditch? How fitting.

Yunjin was known around their school for skipping most of her classes and hating any type of authority. She had flunked her senior year and was older than everyone in their class by a year. Her parents were living in the USA and sent her a fat check every month to live off. As long as she didn't get in trouble with the law, they let her do whatever she wanted.

Y/n remembers being so jealous of her. Of how confident she was, how she always seemed so carefree. And oh, what she would give for her father to live far, far away from her.

“Y/n, come on, stay with me. Don't die on me, please! Oh god, what do I do? Hello, 112. Yes, I need help-”

Yunjin's voice faded into the background as she frantically yelled at the 112 operators, not knowing what to do with her. Y/n let out a small laugh that sounded more like a cough as she looked at the older girl pacing in place, casting her panicked glances every few seconds.

“Yeah, yeah…I can do that, for sure.”

Y/n heard Yunjin say as she approached her again. She heard the EMT responders from afar, their siren and bright blinking lights announcing their presence.

Suddenly, Yunjin's hands slipped from behind her, enveloping her in a strange half-hug. Y/n guessed it was more for comfort than for help. But as they waited there, leaning against each other, y/n noticed just how warm the other girl's hands were, rubbing comfortingly at her back.

-to be continued-

#yunjin #huh yunjin #le sserafim #le sserafim x reader #yunjin x reader #huh yunjin x reader #angst #it gets worse before it gets better #im sorry #please read the warnings #non idol au #part 1 #fem reader

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