#healing from emotional abuse

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

[vizthedatum]

More and more, I am talkative and chatty and opinionated :)

I am becoming less defensive and more unfiltered.

It’s so beautiful 🥰

[it-wasnt-your-fault]

It wasn’t your fault

It wasn’t your fault they treated you that way, it wasn’t your fault you accepted that treatment for so long, it wasn’t your fault you were taught abuse and neglect were what love is all about, it wasn’t your fault you thought it was all you deserved, it wasn’t your fault you fell for their fake charming character, it wasn’t your fault that you just wanted to be loved.

it wasn’t your fault

[healingchildhoodtrauma]

If you were emotionally neglected as a child you might think having a person obsessed with you will help fill that void for attention you never got. But what kind of attention is it? Is it nourishing attention? Usually it's about control, and they end up criticizing your every move. Remember, control reduces you to an object.

Respect > attention

[ruminate88]

”The pain of realizing everything you felt and cared about was all a lie. You’ve been played and now you don’t know your own reality.”

[thefluoritebpd]

The biggest BPD shock (also ASPD & psychosis) I've experienced was probably when I walked away from a 1,5-year-long friendship in which I constantly had fights, arguments, triggers and splits going off, threats thrown around, and at the time I walked away, I had another friendship formed with a different system. And suddenly, I was barely splitting, like once a month, maybe? When I did, I was met with affection and love, I was way more stable, could communicate better, didn't question every single second whether these people loved me or not, psychosis wasn't going off nearly as much as it used to, and my anger issues seemed to just disappear, leaving me questioning whether I had them in the first place.

And eventually, I found out that people with BPD are a mirror of their loved ones, and was like: "Wait, hold up- I WAS NOT THE PROBLEM THE ENTIRE TIME?!?!?!"

@the-soup-system

-host

[furiousgoldfish]

Speaking from a bad place, so bear with me. Has anyone thought about how being important or special to other people is based just on the people closest to you?

We regard strangers as people who are fairly irrelevant to us, because they have little to no impact to our life, and their lives and struggles won't generally touch us. In contrast, lives of people directly around us have a great impact on us, and they decide our relevancy. We give them roles in our lives, like friends, mentors, partners, lovers, caretakers, and in that regard they're special to us, irreplaceable. We also want to have an equally strong meaning in their life, to have a warm place in their heart and respect in their minds, as they do for us.

When people around us who hold great relevancy for us, also give us that same relevancy back, we feel important, we know we're special to them. That our role in their life shapes their experience, gives them gratitude and they've accepted us as someone they want and need around.

In contrast to that, when people in our life refuse to give us that same respect, warmth and relevancy, then we wonder what is wrong with us. What is missing so we can't be appreciated and regarded with the same love and respect that we show to them. Lack of mutuality makes us sink down with insecurity, self doubt and deep feeling that we're not enough, that we've done something wrong, not to deserve the same that we give to others.

And it also works out the same in isolation, if you have no one close to you, no one who has your well being in mind or cares for what becomes of you, it feels like you're important to no one, like you are not special whatsoever, even like you could be disposable if nobody cares at all.

But none of that is based on what's inside of us, who we are or how much love and good we are capable of giving and showing. It's nothing even related to our behaviour and actions, you could put anyone in these situations and results would be generally similar; person who is not experiencing reciprocity, or is left to fend for themselves alone, will lose the feeling that they're important or special in any way.

Isn't that weird? That we can end up judging our own worth based on nothing we did, or nothing we are, just based on how people around us are treating us, or whether we have anyone around us at all. In our essence we didn't change at all, it's just who is or isn't around, that determines our worth.

If we're put in a group of people who want to create bonds based on good things they see in us, we'll become able of seeing that good in ourselves. If we're surrounded by people who all feel the same as we do, act on the same moral code, readily reciprocate respect and warmth that we show to them, we won't feel like anything is wrong with us. We'll feel at home.

And since this is so intrinsic to being a person, to long for this and only feel relevant, safe and cared for in these circumstances, isn't it natural that we all deserve that? To be surrounded by people who make us feel like nothing is wrong with us, and like we're at home? Who help us focus on everything good in us, and give us no reasons to believe that we should be rejected or banished at all? Since abuse did the absolute opposite, and forced us to believe there's only reasons for abandonment, hatred and contempt, I believe being in the environment where people see many reasons to want us in their lives, would heal us.

[mizusjawline]

As you start to heal, you will begin to feel a lot of sadness and anger. You will want revenge. You will want to hurt your abuser. You will want to demonstrate to them exactly how much pain they put you through. After all, it will seem only fair that they experience some of the suffering you are going through thanks to them. Sometimes, you will even fantasize about killing them, or wishing they would just drop dead. This is a normal part of the healing process and it does not make you a bad person.

Perhaps there is some assurance in knowing that there is no better way of hurting your abuser than healing from them in a way that prioritizes your health and happiness. Nothing damages them more than setting healthy boundaries.

[constantvariations]

Considering aura is a thing, it'd probably be a lot harder to catch a batterer since the victim's wounds would heal and leave no evidence

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

[the-cosmic-faustian-starkiller]

Something that is rarely given attention when talking about healing is how deep your trust issues from traumas can be, like yeah I'm all better now and I'm ready to love and I love myself and I want to live again, I've always known I'm more than good enough and that I can give love and that I do deserve love, but I can't help but always feel like there's something going on behind my back that I don't know about that will eventually hurt me and lead me to being manipulated or abused, I want to tell myself that it's my brain warning me from a pattern out of my control, but it's never that easy, and I realise that it can get heavy on a future partner to ask them to bear with the paranoia and to always communicate with you, especially when you unconsciously start to interpret their kindness as them trying to fight their guilt, but when you've let your guard down so many times over the span of a few years only to be damaged the same you can't help but crave to know the truth and to not be treated as if you're too stupid to see what lies you've been told.

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

Very happy I'm going back to therapy next week

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Y’all.

30%-33%.

If your parents reliably meets & learns to understand about ⅓ of your needs, you'll develop a secure attachment.

Only ⅓. 33%.

The bar is on the floor. 😭

~Nico

[healingchildhoodtrauma]

“Feelings buried alive never die.”

Karol Truman

[ruminate88]

“Sometimes losing a toxic relationship is not just losing that person you thought you loved but also losing a part of you that’s no good for you. It’s going to be painful but it’s shedding a layer off of you that needs to go.”

[vizthedatum]

I asked one of my friends (who is a therapist) if I should even try to forgive my mom or my abusive exes. He reminded me about stuff Dr. Ramani has said… and I thought back to what my previous therapist said…. (Paraphrased)

Is it useful to forgive? No.

—

I know for sure I cannot forgive abusive behavior, regardless of what the underlying traumas were. I know that I have ALWAYS wished them healing and peace. I also know that it can be harmful to survivors who are either in those relationships or thinking about how to draw boundaries with people.

Forgiving is not about forgetting or enabling, but when you ask someone to forgive when they’re in active emotional or physical abuse OR in recovery, they often just feel guilty and it prevents them from healing.

We have nothing to feel guilty about. Our lives and health were damaged due to unforgivable behavior.

Forgive yourself instead. Forgive people who don’t abuse you but make mistakes. Work on feeling your emotions and healing.