#i absolutely hate her too she's the one who sends out a bunch of emails

[arytha]

hahaha super high up exec is gonna come in on friday and im not gonna be here bc fridays are my day off

[royaletiquette]

Name: Rose

Pronouns: she/her

Preferred comms: Whatever, I've never had issues with IM's personally, so I like them. But I know no one else does lol. Discord is cool, especially when we start sending memes and shit to one another.

Name of muse(s): Hibiya and Hibiko. I've had one other muse that didn't last long, I just wanted an excuse to talk about my views and opinions on music lmao. An outlet to express that to a degree, but I just didn't have anything else I wanted to say, no overarching theme or anything.

Experience in RP: Started out the classic way of rp'ing via texts with a friend, where it was like [ "Stop doing that" *laughs* ] as Izaya from Durarara. Not terribly long after I moved to tumblr cause I was already always on it on my personal account and heavy in the durarara community in 2012, 2013, cause I wanted to write as Hibiya. And that was a blast because it started showing on Adult Swim so the anime got more popular and there were just a lot of people and alters to write with.

Stopped and started a few times, but I always wrote Hibiya publically and no one else. I think I barely wrote in 2016 cause the rp side of the fandom was DEAD and I didn't really venture out to find new partners. I had also moved countries so like, wasn't thinking about writing often. Completely stopped thinking about it in 2017 and was writing songs instead. Until after I graduated college and was working fulltime, and after all the lockdowns stopped (Toronto had multiple), I needed a new creative outlet I could work on while not home and kept thinking about Hibiya and Delic and having ideas I wanted to explore. And was very lucky to find my email and password! So now I'm like, I can't imagine leaving tumblr to write somewhere else. Privately I dunno, it's so boring.

Best experiences: It's so nice to have partners that equally gush over one another's muses and relationships, sharing ideas and potential threads and even just being like "lmao if this happened, it'd be over" / "I can't stop thinking about x."

Plus I mean to be honest, it's so, so exciting and nice to hear people excited to write with me and ask about my muses, having genuine curiosity. Asking questions I've never thought of and pushing them to be more developed and fleshed out. I love posting a reply or answering a meme and immediately getting pinged on discord of someone panicking and talking to me about it.

Pet peeves / dealbreakers: Too much ooc is the main reason I end up unfollowing people. Which like, listen, it's not like I outright say, I don't care about you. But if it's too much, even though I like you and your muses and want to write, I'm gonna mute your tag. I'd much rather someone repeatedly be like "I'll be on twitter if you care" or whatever passive-aggressive thing, than have a bunch of posts on my roleplay account that are nothing. Let me ignore it if I want to.

I've complained to the point of adding it to my rules, but I hate mains. And I honestly more and more feel like I'm making the right call in that it's very mean and you shouldn't do it. I understand feeling more drawn to some muns/muses than others, but when a mun is repeatedly answering someone's stuff immediately when you've been waiting for a reply for a month. Yeah, it's a little dog shit. There needs to be an effort to balance it out between partners.

A COUPLE ACTUAL PETTY PET PEEVES. That like, I've rewritten this a bunch of times cause I don't want to be dumb and rude even though it makes me want to be very that. I hate when muns make their muses short and are just weird about it. Like, it's obviously written from the perspective of a person that is average height, who sometimes feels short, so assumes someone shorter than them always feels short. And it's like no one thinks about their height that much, stop it. But this is absolutely me, a person who is the height of all those short muses, being like bruh stop being weird. I also hate when there is an unrealistic weight put to muses. Because it's something most people ignore, so just skip it if you're gonna be dumb about it. If you feel the need to be like, my 5'6" muse 90 pounds, think about how dysfunctional that makes a person. It's beyond the realm of "my muse is skinny." But!! Again! I know this is just me being like "your fictional character is unrealistic." People like to make their muses taller than Shaq and as buff of as wrestler, but also be like "it's natural, they would never track their calories/protein intake."

Muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ): Of course it depends. Hibiya is fun because he's awful at being fluffy, so it's great putting him in those positions where I am also so horribly uncomfortable for him. He's always angsty. It gets a little tiring. Smut is all me though, I just get lost in thinking of the details and then I forget to write any of it and it takes forever. Practice though and I know it'll be more fun. There are at least muses now that Hibi wants to be gross with finally.

Hibiko however, is like, always bordering on fluffy, to the point that she really fights angst. Which in itself is fun because that's where most of her development comes from. Surprisingly, smut will be/is really fun for Hibiko because her walls are down, which isn't the case any other time. She also doesn't have as many preconceptions as Hibiya when it comes to sex, so it's more freeing and open for me to write.

Plot or memes: Memes are more freeing. They can be long winded ideas or just a paragraph, so that's fun. But when it comes to the long run, I need to talk about plots to some extent so we're not running aimlessly.

Long or short replies: Long. Mid, really, but I'd rather it be longer than shorter. I've learned I have a hard time tapping into what my muse is going through if I'm not seeing that in return. But short ones are a very welcomed break when they come along. It's nice to easily poop out a reply without being like oh fuck okay what happens first.

Best time to write: When I'm alone in the morning before anyone wakes up (which isn't the morning but pretend it is). I like sitting in silence and enjoying the nothing going on so I can focus. I like to watch movies by myself, and it'll take twice as long because I'll pause it to write while inspired, and watch another five minutes before pausing to write again. The way god intended, really.

Are you like your muse(s): Kinda. I relate to Hibiya more. I'm more aloof than I think I am and can be a little insensitive towards other people's feelings and my words. Emotions are not my strong suit lmao.

tagged by @sansloii

[ballplayersxo]

I get what that anon was saying about #24’s parents not being victims, but 1 thing that will never sit right w me is how he constantly ran his big mouth to the media about private drama between them. It makes me so uneasy to hear about family drama. That is the one thing the public does not need an invite to. I understand him being tired of them being too protective and overzealous of his newfound riches but if Vampire Sr. was bold enough to do an interview and sue him (his estate to be more specific) not even a full year after his death, there’s no way in hell her ass was quiet about her money hungry ways when he was alive. His self hating ass who only ever acknowledged his children’s Mexican heritage chose to look the other way with her and the first 4 words of this sentence explains why. Ppl were saying that he was rolling over in his grave over her interview she did and lawsuit she filled and I’m just like… no the hell he wasn’t… this man literally said that she was his only mother. He constantly praised her and would in the same breath bring up his own to tear them down. He likely would have been mad at Vampire Jr. for cutting her off. I just know there’s a bunch of media outlets, journalists, and book publishing companies willing to pay his parents big bucks to do a tell-all, but the fact that they have stayed quiet all these years shows that they still have respect not only for themselves, but for him especially after years of them getting dragged into drama. Vampire Sr. jumped at the first opportunity when it presented itself.

The only thing ppl can bring up is the memorabilia drama but it was handled in private at first and could have been prevented had his ass picked his things up from the storage unit and placed them in the garage of 1 of his 10 mansions or agreed to take over the payment instead of ignoring them every time they tried to reach out then having Vampire Jr send them a dismissive email about how he doesn’t care about the stuff, prompting them to discontinue paying. Just like every storage unit company, when payments stop, they auction your stuff. They were paying thousands of dollars a month to maintain belongings of their multi-millionaire son who cut them off. I get him feeling betrayed that his mother allegedly cut a deal with the storage company but I just saw it as them trying to get their money back 🤷‍♀️. A lot of the things were from when he was in HS so they were stuff bought for him using their money not his. Him blabbing his mouth to the media over stuff that could have easily stayed public and the media, the public, and his wife piling on to the shade and vitriol when they’ve never uttered a word leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. The optics is gross to me. 24 was a grown ass man, at a certain point, the “well, he was raised to be this way” is no longer a viable excuse.

you absolutely spilled

[ragingbookdragon]

I'm Only A Crack In This Castle Of Glass (Hardly Anything Else I Need To Be) PT. 2

Batfamily x Batsis Story!

Word Count: 2.7K Warnings: Explicit Language and Angst!

Author's Note: It's amazing how much one can write when they've got a story to tell, eh? Enjoy! -Thorne

Set Three Years After PT. 1:

Life for her revolved around work in the A.M. and community college in the P.M. If she wasn’t brewing cappuccinos and baking apple turnovers, she was writing research papers and taking physics exams. It was hectic and it was hard, much harder than anything she’d done, but it was her life, and she was going to make the best of it. The money she’d taken from her savings account had only lasted her long enough to get a decent one bedroom one bathroom apartment in a small complex and the rest went towards tuition. The coffee shop two blocks from her building had fortunately been looking for a new hire when she arrived, and she took the chance where it was, not going to look the gift horse in its mouth.

The life she lived now was a complete 180 from her old one. Back then, she didn’t have to work (though she did at a high-end department store in the mall—her father got her the job but at least she had one) and there wasn’t anything she couldn’t get with a swipe of a credit card. Now she was on a budget that consisted of five and ten tips and the last time she actually bought a new pair of shoes over a hundred dollars had been last year when she needed them for an interview, and even then, it cost her a limb.

Everything was so different, but she didn’t want to go back, preferring to be on her own and away from Gotham. From the newspapers and media, her family had convinced the world that she’d taken a few years to go overseas and spend time in Europe. A mental reprieve, they’d called it. Partially true if she was honest, but she wasn’t going to open her mouth about it lest they learned where she was. She didn’t go through all that trouble to be found within three years.

“Melisandre.”

Maybe I should move again?

“Melisandre?”

Moving would take a long time but it would be effective.

“Melisandre!”

Someone grabbed her arm over the counter, and she jerked with a start, eyes widening as she finally realized someone was standing in front of her.

“Barry?” she asked, and he smiled.

“Finally,” he snorted. “I’ve been calling your name for like ten minutes now.”

She felt a flush creep along her cheeks, and she smiled apologetically. “Sorry, I was thinking about something. Usual?” she murmured, marking a disposable coffee cup with a marker.

Barry nodded with understanding and handed her a credit card. “I hear you. How’s studying going for that physics exam?” His blue eyes darted to the science book she had sprawled over the counter.

“It’s going,” she muttered and turned, starting to mix together his latte. “I still can’t get the thermodynamic laws down. They’re a bit confusing.”

“Yeah, it’ll take a while. You know if you need my help, all you gotta do is ask, right?”

Shrugging, she glanced at him as she poured. “You’re a busy man, Barry. I can’t have you trying to help me while trying to solve cases too.”

Barry chuckled and accepted the freshly poured latte. “I’m an excellent multitasker, Melisandre. Besides, you don’t have to worry about it messing with my work.” She opened her mouth to retort but he cut her off. “Seriously, shoot me an email about whatever questions you’ve got, and I’ll take a look at ‘em, okay?”

Her eyes narrowed warily, and she inquired, “You’re sure it won’t interfere? I’d hate for you to get in trouble for working on non-work-related things.”

“I promise, Melisandre,” he smiled and accepted a bag of apple turnovers too. He couldn’t help but pull one out and bite into it, letting out a delighted noise. “God, what do you put in these things? They’re phenomenal.”

She giggled and winked as he handed her a twenty. “A baker never reveals her secret, but if you really want to know, I use a little vanilla extract.”

Barry shook his head with a chuckle and started making his way to the door. “See you later, Melisandre!”

Waving at him, she called, “Bye Barry! Take care!”

Just as he opened the door, he stopped and spun around, suddenly asking, “Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?”

Blinking, she glanced at the physics book then back to him. “Well, I was going to be studying for the exam…why?”

“My nephew is in town and I wanted to introduce him to you. I’ve already mentioned you a bunch of times and he wants to meet you.”

Her face pinched. “Barry Allen, what did you tell that poor boy?”

He stuck his tongue out at her. “That there’s a lonely college student who has no friends but has the greatest baking abilities in the world.”

“I cannot believe you told him I had no friends! Why!”

“You don’t.”

“Well, yeah! But still! You don’t just tell someone that! It makes me seem like there’s something wrong with me!”

Barry waved a hand. “Relax. Wally’s the least jerky person you’ll meet.” He smiled. “You’ll like him.”

She frowned. “I still don’t think this is a good idea, Barry.”

“Why not?”

“Well, he’s here to see you and your wife, not come meet the person who feeds your apple turnover addiction.”

The blonde’s cheeks turned a dark shade of crimson and he spluttered, “It is not an addiction!” he spun around and marched through the door. “I’ll send him over tomorrow! Bye!”

And he left before she could even say a word.

***

It had to be hieroglyphics. It was either that or some ancient cuneiform he’d recently taken up interest in, because there was no way whatever he’d written on the paper was English.

She cocked her head to the side, muttering, “Jesus Christ, Barry, did you write this on a caffeine bender? Your writing is like chicken scratch.” She tipped her head to the other side trying to decipher it when someone leaned over her shoulder.

“Which problem do you need help on?” they asked, and she pointed to the sheet.

“I have no idea what that says.” She turned and saw a red-haired stranger. “If you think you can, be my guest.”

He took it and read over it a moment, green eyes scanning over the page then he said, “Let’s see, he wrote first, ‘The third law of thermodynamics states that the entropy of a system at absolute zero is a well-defined constant. This is because a system at zero temperature exists in its ground state, so that its entropy is determined only by the degeneracy of the ground state.’”

Pausing, he scanned it again and added, “Then he marked a note beside it and wrote, ‘In simplistic terms, if an object reaches the absolute zero temp. of (0 K = -273.15C = -459.67°F), its atoms will stop moving. In other words, at absolute zero, the entropy of a perfectly crystalline substance is zero.’”

Glancing at her, he smiled. “Make sense now?”

She huffed and nodded, taking the sheet back. “Yeah, thanks. I don’t even know how you managed to get all that from his writing.”

He nodded. “Yeah, Barry’s handwriting is deplorable.”

Her eyes went wide, and she immediately questioned, “How did you?”

Sticking a hand out, he greeted, “Wally West. I’m Barry’s nephew.”

Shaking his hand, she couldn’t help but laugh. “I can’t believe he actually told you to come up here and meet me.” A smile came across her lips. “I’m Melisandre Hale.”

“That’s a pretty name, Melisandre.”

“Thank you,” she grinned and waved him to one of the bar-stools on the adjacent side of the counter. “Have a seat and I’ll get you something to eat and drink.” As she slid behind the counter, she inquired, “Anything specific?”

Wally stared at the bored, offhandedly mentioning, “Barry said something about apple turnovers that could make you cry with joy, so I’ve gotta have one of those.” His evergreen eyes met hers. “Maybe two if I’m being honest.”

She grunted, but a grin crossed her lips, nevertheless. “Barry exaggerates a lot, Wally. They’re good, but they’re not mind-blowingly good.”

“Then I guess that leaves me to be the judge,” he countered with a smirk. “What should I drink?”

She thought for a moment then offered, “Have any judgments about drinking before five o’clock?”

He let out a startled laugh and shook his head. “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

With a grin, she turned and started working her magic and a moment later, she was sliding a plate with two iced apple turnovers over along with a clear steaming mug of dark coffee with cream on top. She leaned her hip on the counter and watched him pick up one of the apple turnovers and take a bite.

Immediately his eyes went wide, and he exclaimed, “Holy shit.” He gaped at her. “This is delicious, Melisandre!”

Despite herself, her cheeks warmed, and she gave him an easy smile. “Thanks, Wally.” She nodded to the crystal mug. “Try the Irish coffee.”

He did so and tossed his head back, letting out an exaggerated groan that had her laughing until her stomach hurt. Wally was on his second turnover and he looked at her.

“You’ve gotta open up a bakery or something, Melisandre. Your pastries are awesome.”

She huffed and took the plate from him as he finished the last bite. “Let me get through college first and then I’ll wonder how to rack up enough to open a shop.”

“What are you studying?”

Pausing, she tossed a quick glance at him. “There’s no specification right now. I’m just doing general studies to get all the basics out of the way.” She put the dish in the sink and started rinsing it. “I’m at the four-C right now.” His brows pulled together, and she added, “Central City Community College.”

He snapped his fingers. “Right! It’s been a while since I went to the four-C.”

Her eyes found his and she curiously asked, “Did you go there?”

“Yeah, a few years back.”

“You don’t look that much older than I am. How old are you, Wally?”

He sipped his coffee and set it down as he replied, “I turned twenty-eight a month ago.”

“Happy belated birthday,” she smiled, and he gave her one in return.

“Thanks. How about you?”

“I turned twenty-one a few months ago.”

“Hmm, happy belated birthday to you as well.” He grinned, quipping, “How’s it feel to finally be able to legally do all the things you were doing before you turned twenty-one?”

She shot him a look. “Shame on you, Wally West, for assuming I was doing illegal things.” He chuckled and she shrugged. “But to answer your question, it feels great, so thanks.”

Wally snorted at that. “My best friend and I got absolutely hammered on our twenty-firsts and swore to never drink hard liquor again after we woke up in the bathroom in our underwear after passing out on the floor.”

A shudder passed over her at her own memory of waking up beside the toilet after her birthday celebration with a bottle of white rum. She cocked a hand up with her water bottle in it. “Here, here,” she toasted and took a sip as Wally raised his coffee and drank too.

She glanced at him. “Are you in school, or are you done?”

“I finished a while ago. I work out of a tower with a group of friends in Manhattan.”

For a moment, her eyes drifted to the simple pair of jeans and graphic shirt he was wearing. She lived in the upper area of Gotham and she knew what uptown Manhattan was like, and it wasn’t jeans and t-shirts.

Evidently, he did too because he scowled, “I have suits and ties, thank you very much.”

She snorted and took the empty mug from him. “I didn’t say anything, Wally.”

“You made a face.”

“Is a face a ground to be hostile?” she grinned. “I was just wondering what type of business in Manhattan ran on flash t-shirts and skinny jeans.” She eyed him. “Tech?”

He shrugged. “It’s…a bit of everything if I’m being honest.” It sounded like he didn’t exactly want to say, and she let it be, rinsing out his cup before setting it to dry.

A buzz sounded and she felt for her phone when he said, “That’s mine.” Wally pulled his phone out, read the message, and stood up. “I’ve gotta go, Melisandre.”

She nodded and took the twenty-dollar bill he handed her, waving her off when she tried to hand back the change. As he started towards the door, she called, “Wally?”

He turned on his heel and waited and she felt foolish for saying it, but she admitted with warmth in her cheeks, “It’s been a while since I had any semblance of a friend…so thanks for this afternoon.”

Wally gave her a pearly white grin. “Barry said you’d say something like that,” he chuckled as she scowled and he added sincerely, “Can never have too many friends, Melisandre…and I hope you’ll become a great one of mine. So far, you already are.”

She smiled, “Same here, Wally.” The bell signaled his exit and she let out a heavy sigh as her heart warmed in her chest at the feeling of a newfound friendship.

***

She was dead on her feet when she finally got through her front door and into her living room, practically collapsing onto the couch. Though it wasn’t far from the truth as she flopped down and toed off her shoes, heaving a long and winded sigh as she stared at the dark ceiling. She wanted to turn on the lamp on the table beside her, but she didn’t want to move. Hell, she barely wanted to get up and take a shower, so she didn’t go to bed sweaty.

Just a moment. She thought. Just a moment to close my eyes and I’ll get up and go shower.

Of course, the second the shut them, she was opening them to her phone telling her it was two A.M. She groaned and picked herself off the couch to shuffle into her bedroom, and when she got there, she peeled off the clothes from her body and let them fall, not caring about the hamper just a foot away. She’d do it tomorrow after class.

The shower was quick, and she crawled into bed a few minutes later, glancing out the window at the stars that were still in the night sky. Even if she tried to avoid thinking about it, she couldn’t, and her mind drifted to when she was a young girl and would stare out the window in her bedroom back in Gotham, watching the spotlight come alive and paint the silhouette of the bat symbol against the night sky.

She missed them. She missed them a lot. Missed eating meals at a full table and the laughter in the manor. Hell, she even missed being ignored, because at least then she could see familiar faces every day. Now, it was wake up, go to work, go to class, then come home. And the process repeated every morning. She was alone in a city where she didn’t know anyone except for one forensic scientist and his wife, going to a college that didn’t even have her real identity. She’d not even said the name “(Y/N) Wayne” out loud for fear that someone with super hearing would hear her and tell her father, instead going by “Melisandre Hale”, a twenty-one-year-old born and raised Central City citizen going to community college. It pained her to admit, that with her decision to grant herself the freedom she desired, it came with a heavy price, and that was the loneliness. And it was worse compared to what it was like back then.

Sighing, she rolled over and pulled the covers up over her head, hoping that when she shut her eyes, she’d stop thinking about what she left behind. Unfortunately, the universe and her mind were never kind, and as she drifted to sleep, she saw the pained faces of her family.

[whoiwanttoday]

I have always known people who like to give me flack for liking sad music. From amused to why do you listen to that. That is related to today's post cause I was digging through Phoebe Bridgers' tag the first time I posted her and I saw someone say she just made crappy sad music and clearly that was an insult. I mean even without the crappy, the tone was only losers like that kind of thing. Which is maybe accurate but we need comfort, too. Which is why people need sad music sometimes. Sometimes they need someone to hold their hand and say, "Hey, that thing that happened to you? That thing that feels terrible? You're not that alone, it happened to me, too". Sometimes you just need to hear something beautiful that makes you feel not alone, even when that's sad. Cause that sad song can tell you that you know, there is real cruelty out there. Vile, terrible people. There is reason to be scared. There are thing that will hurt you. It will be cold and dark and frightening but here is the thing, there is beauty out there, too, even in the darkness. That this is all worth it in the end because there is that beauty, too. I get some people don't need that hand holding and that's ok, I am glad for them, and they have a point. It absolutely is valid to ask, "Do I listen to pop music because I am miserable or am I miserable because I listen to pop music". But sometimes it's all you have and you need that comfort and it's noble and important that it exists. I have debated how much to share here and I cut out whole swaths because I don't like being vulnerable, that's when they get you in my experience, but part of me also feels like I shouldn't be so ashamed of the things in my life. I bring this up because Phoebe Bridgers helped serve that roll for me a handful months ago and I guess it feels important to recognize (This post has bounced around in my head a bunch this year. Not these exact words but it was there. I didn't want to post it, I don't like being emo and I don't like admitting when things aren't going well because it seems attention seeking and rather gauche. But I also want to enter the new year with this off my my mind and out of my head. A clean break so to speak. Get it out, move on. Part of me still isn't sure I'll hit post but some of me has this voice in the back of my head that likes to whisper, "You can't be a coward all your life". That voice makes me do shit I regret sometimes but sometimes it's right. Who knows. 2021 was a pretty rough year for me in a lot of ways and I am ready to leave it all behind me). I was at a pretty low point and it was a few things going wrong in my life but I know the catalyst, it was someone going through the making amends step of their 12 steps and I have to say, it strikes me as a remarkably selfish step. Or maybe it's only selfish when done by selfish people. It seems selfish to me to go, "Hey, I know I hurt you and you don't want to hear from me but I need this so I am going to do what's best for me and open up and old wound that you thought was gone". Maybe it doesn't feel that way when it's done right but I had an abusive ex send me a long email out of the blue after more than a decade. She sort of apologized in the, "Sorry if you feel like I hurt you," way and came really close to admitting she was abusive. Then there were three more paragraphs about how hard it was on her to abuse me and how great her life is now because if I am being generous, I think maybe she thought that would help? To know it was hard on her but now she's ok so I shouldn't worry. Which you know, brings me to Phoebe Bridgers who is one of the many people I listened to but has a line to open Motion Sickness that is simply, "I hate you for what you did/But I miss you like a little kid," which is one of those lines that may not mean a lot to most people but is so relatable to me. Cause guys, I so wanted her to admit what she did was wrong. And I so wanted her to say she missed me or made a mistake or that losing me was some great crime but it is never coming and it never will and I thought I was long past those feelings but an abusers hooks get in deep and even when you think they're gone one or two is still in. I was so ashamed of myself but I couldn't shake the part of me that wished I could get the tiniest bit of validation from someone I have avoided for years and thought I had made my peace about. I dunno why. Maybe because her life looks like everything she wanted now and I was sitting here wondering if she was right when she made me think no one else would ever want me. It sucked and it was one of the songs that helped in the moment. Lots of songs did, lots of my sad mopey nonsense. It didn't cure anything and it didn't solve anything but it did help me ride it out until I felt better. Which is what you need sometimes and a thing that makes me thankful. And I guess I felt like it should be said, rather than hey, she's pretty. I like artists because frankly their art has been an important part of my life many times over the years. Today I want to fuck Phoebe Bridgers.

[purpletaecup]

10 ☾ he said that’s how he still remembers me

warnings: explicit language (cursing), mentions of miscarriage, mentions of infidelity (not rlly but on thin ice)

notes: you guys... this is a long one and it’s kind of fast paced, but we are finally getting some answers and the drama really begins! next chapter will be emotional, that’s all I know. I’m sorry for putting you through all this angst!! also, I wanted to bring some attention to the crisis in the Philippines right now with all of the dangerous typhoons. A lot of people need donations and rescuing, so HERE is a link to a twitter thread of donation drives! Please make sure to check it out, share and help spread awareness!

as always, come talk to me in my ask box! and if you want to be added to the taglist, please send an ask, or reply to this post or the masterlist!

not edited!! sorry if there are any mistakes lmfao i usually am sleep deprived when i write so yeah, there are probably some errors.

word count: 5,614

☾

The days following Jungkook’s visit were dull, if anything. You’ve received texts from Yoongi saying that he couldn’t come visit until that weekend because he had to finish wrapping things up in advance at the company so that he could spend some time with you. You had argued over the phone like teenagers when you insisted that he didn’t need to do that and you could take care of yourself until Jin came back. Of course, that led to him ranting about what the doctor said about monitoring you and your symptoms for concussion and to get him to just shut up about the medical stuff (it made your brain hurt more than it did usually), you reluctantly agreed to his ‘visits’, as you’d rather call them.

[nov. 20, 2020]

It was Friday now and you still haven’t gotten any glimpse of actual memories back, although you have been having these strange dreams that you couldn’t really remember when you woke up. You could only describe the feeling it gave you as ‘sinking’, like you were drowning and you couldn’t escape. As much as possible, you tried not to think about these feelings, and focused more on trying to get to know the version of you who lived in this amazing apartment.

The past couple of days that you spent at this apartment put you in awe. It really was the apartment of your dreams, from the color of the furniture down to the little plants stuck in the corner of that tiny shelf in the kitchen. It was beautiful and so you. The only problem was that you couldn’t find anything to help with your current situation. You scoured every nook and cranny and couldn’t find anything dated after your wedding reception. No pictures, no post-its, notes or anything past that date. What you had found in your apartment, you already knew of (aside from the wedding photos). Past photoshoots, high school photos, a notebook full of movie ticket stubs. There was absolutely nothing in this apartment that gave you a clue to the life you lived during the four year gap in your memory.

You even tried to get into your twitter and instagram from when you were nineteen but you couldn’t log in. Wrong password every single time. When you tried to change your password for social media, the email you used had a different password too. You couldn’t figure out what you could have changed your password to. Every password combination you could think of, you tried, but none worked, so you decided to just skip that and maybe go over it later on. Or make a new one. That could work, too.

You couldn’t even look at your twitter account because for some reason, it was private and that seemed strange for someone with almost 130,000 followers. You could see your instagram account from your browser, but it wouldn’t let you see the pictures and posts in full size with the captions and comments, so you were really stuck.

A quick internet search of your name yielded things you already knew. Former model, current writer (that fact was still surprising to you). Old news articles of dating scandals that weren’t true, except for the one with Yoongi. More news articles about your divorce with no further information than what Yoongi had told you already.

It’s as if any clue about your life during your memory loss is unaccounted for. It seemed like at this point, you could only rely on other people telling you about your life and pray to whatever higher power there was to give you your memories back.

This futile search was beginning to make your stomach churn. You almost couldn’t suppress the bile rising up in your throat. Hopefully Jin would return soon. Maybe he could put all of the pieces back together for you.

☾

Jungkook sat in on the uncomfortable leather couch in Yoongi’s office as he waited for the man to finish up whatever he was typing. He looked through his instagram feed and saw one of your posts from July. For a while, he was confused as to why this picture from July would end up on his feed, but he remembered the new instagram algorithm. Curious, he clicked on your profile and looked through it slowly. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually paid attention to your posts.

“I forgot to ask but what did you and Yn do at her apartment? She said you stayed over for a couple of hours.” Yoongi asked though his eyes never strayed from his paperwork.

Jungkook looked up at him and pondered on what to say.

“Hm, yeah. I got roped into staying. She asked a bunch of questions and we looked through her apartment and her photo albums. Her apartment’s cute, by the way. Way different from what your house looked like.” He comments.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was bright. Lots of green. Nothing I’ve ever seen in the house you guys shared.”

“How was she when you picked her up? She told me a couple of things but I haven’t seen her yet so I can’t know if what she’s telling is the truth or not.”

It was quiet for a moment, with only the sound of turning pages filling the room, as Jungkook wondered what to say to this. He didn’t really know when to start with you, especially with how different you were acting.

“Well, she’s fine. The personality is definitely different. She seems a lot more outgoing, and she had a lot of questions but she didn’t push. I think she wants to try and figure things out on her own.” Jungkook replies as he continued to slowly look through your previous instagram posts.

“She’s been like that. She hates being a burden and gets really defensive about it sometimes.” Yoongi comments.

Jungkook pauses at your most recent post. He checks the date. September 22.

“When did you guys divorce again?” He asked.

At this, Yoongi looked up.

“The divorce was finalized on September 29, I think.” He answered, but looked questioningly at Jungkook as if to ask why.

“Did you know she was going to therapy?” Jungkook asked again.

Hearing this, Yoongi stood up abruptly and hurried over to where Jungkook was sitting.

“What? Where did you see that?” Yoongi asked as he looked over Jungkook’s shoulder.

Jungkook showed him the post. Yoongi took the phone from him and examined the post carefully.

It was a picture of clouds with text on it. Is this the life we really want? The caption read “as per the advice of my therapist, i’m just here to pop in and say that I’ll be going on a hiatus for a little bit”.

“What the fuck? I didn’t know this!” Yoongi yelled, evidently angry.

Jungkook looked at him confused. They were together for four years, how could he not know that you were at least going to therapy?

The same question was running through Yoongi’s head. He took a seat next to Jungkook to process this new information.

“Hyung, can I ask you a couple of questions?” Jungkook requested.

Yoongi could only nod.

“What was Yn like when you were together? Why did you marry her?” Those were the first questions that came out of Jungkook’s mouth.

He was truly, genuinely curious. Though he’s heard some things that Yoongi had said about you, he never knew the full story.

“We married each other because we loved each other. Wasn’t that obvious?” Yoongi retorted.

Jungkook pursed his lips at this. “Well that's what you tell everybody and yeah we get it, but considering the fact that I’ve barely seen you two together more than two handful of times in the past two years, I had to ask.”

“That’s because we were both busy, but that didn’t mean we didn’t spend time together. Of course you never saw it because you weren’t there and I’m not one to actively talk about my love life. Yn and I both liked our privacy.”

“Okay, then what was she like when you were together?”

Yoongi was quiet for a while. There were a lot of things he could say about you when you were together. He just didn’t know how to articulate it to Jungkook.

“When we were together… she was charismatic, beautiful and intelligent. Something about the way she communicated made you feel like you could forget about all of your worries and live life to its extent with her. She constantly dragged me out to picnics and made me forget about the business and my career. She made me feel young again. And she had so much love and care for people around her. For a long time, I felt like I would never be deserving of her. She was kind of like a sunflower. Or sunshine, you know what I mean?” Yoongi poured out.

Jungkook nodded. He realized that this was the time to try to figure out what happened to you in your marriage. From his conversation with you at your apartment, to the description of you that Yoongi had just given, he surmised that the version of you that he knew was someone different and he could only wonder if Yoongi saw it too.

“Did you ever feel like she changed? In the time you guys were together?” He probed.

Yoongi thought about it for a while.

“Yeah, I think so. I always found it strange that she decided to quit modelling.  When I met her, she said it was all she ever wanted. I never asked because it seemed like a sensitive topic to her, but I supported her regardless. Writing seemed so out of nowhere for her. I don’t know where it came from. Then she stopped wanting to go to business dinners and events with me and after that we just drifted. And in between that, you introduced me to Yura.”

When Yoongi mentioned Yura, Jungkook winced. He had thought about it some nights ago, but he realized that he might have had a hand in your divorce by introducing Yura to Yoongi. Though he knows Yoongi would have never physically cheated on you, he could see how Yoongi and Yura gravitated towards each other. Jungkook had to admit that Yura was a sweet girl. She was beautiful, and when she smiled it was like sunshine.

Yoongi interrupted his train of thought. “Yura is kind of a complicated subject to our marriage. I would never, ever cheat on someone I loved. And I loved Yn, so much. When you introduced Yura to me, I was happy to meet a new friend and that’s all I saw, but the more you made me hang out with you guys, the more I started to see something in her that I stopped seeing in Yn. I never meant to have any sort of romantic feelings for Yura, but it happened and I feel so fucking shitty for doing that to Yn when I’m the one who promised her a lifetime together.”

Jungkook straightened his posture as Yoongi’s confession.

“Wait, what do you mean by that?” He asked.

“By what?” Yoongi looked at him confused.

“What happened to Yn that pushed you to Yura?”

At this, Yoongi scratched his head.

“I wouldn’t say that it pushed me to Yura, but remember when I said Yn and I started getting distant? As time went on, I felt like she changed and I didn’t know who she was. She used to be so bubbly and happy and always wanting to go look at flowers, but towards the end of our marriage, she stayed holed up in our room no matter how much I asked her to spend time with me. Yura, she was happy to spend time with me. She made me feel like I could forget about everything just by talking to me.”

“Yura made you feel like how Yn used to make you feel?” Jungkook cut him off.

“Well… I guess so.”

Jungkook thought about this for a while but narrowed his eyes at his hyung.

“Hyung, answer this truthfully; do you love Yura?”

The tips of Yoongi’s ears turned red after hearing this.

“Love? I don’t know. I like her? I like the way she makes me feel. She’s beautiful and smart and she makes me happy.”

“Hyung, I don’t know if you realize this, but the way you described Yura is exactly the same way you described Yn.”

“What do you mean?”

“It sounds like you started liking Yura because she reminded you of Yn when you met her. So, do you really, truly like Yura? Or do you just like her because she reminds you of what you don’t have anymore?”

Yoongi lowered his head.

“I-I don’t know. I never thought of it like that.”

Jungkook put his hand on Yoongi’s back to comfort him. Obviously, the man was confused.

“I don’t know if this helps, but I just wanted to let you know that whenever I saw Yn, during those dinners or events, she never gave off the vibe that you described her to be. To me, she was quiet, reserved and never bothered trying to get to know us, your friends, or your business. That’s what she came off as. When you told us that you loved each other and that you eloped, I thought you were joking. When I saw her, she just seemed like the typical trophy wife. Just for show. I never liked her and wondered what you saw in her all the fucking time, but now after hearing this, and after being with her for a couple of hours, it’s obvious that something happened that fucked her up and then fucked your marriage up.” Jungkook ranted.

“I think you might need to reevaluate the relationship you had with Yn so we could help her recover from this whole amnesia thing and hopefully figure out what happened. Something definitely happened, but since I don’t know your marriage like you do, I don't know what it is. I feel guilty now after realizing that I might have had a hand in whatever the fuck she was going through. And maybe figure out what you’re going to do about Yura. Can you keep dating her when your feelings for her are based off of your feelings for your ex-wife, who is currently pregnant with your wife and doesn’t know about it?” He continued.

Yoongi took a deep breath, taking all of this conversation in.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m almost done with the shit here at the company. When I go home, I’ll sort everything out and talk to Yn and Yura tomorrow. I don’t think I can keep seeing Yura with the current situation. I have to tell Yn about the pregnancy as soon as possible, but I’m scared because the doctor told me to monitor for residual symptoms for her concussion. I don’t even know where to begin with the situation.”

“It’s okay, hyung. I’m here for you. You have to tell her about the pregnancy before she finds out herself. In the meantime, I’ll help you out when you can’t take care of her. I already feel shitty enough for how I acted with her when you two were married. I feel like I had the wrong impression this whole time.” Jungkook offered.

Yoongi remembered the moment earlier when Jungkook confessed that he never liked you and that baffled him because he thought that you two, of all people, would get along well together. More often than not, he would feel jealous of Jungkook, who had your admiration when you first started dating. He remembered you always asking him to introduce you to Jungkook and it took a year for him to budge and actually make it happen.

“I’m sure you’ll get along now. I always thought you did get along. Did you know she liked you before?” Yoongi asked.

Jungkook shook his head. “I didn’t know until the other day when you had me take her home. It probably would have helped if you told me she knew who I was before you introduced us after you got together. She never acted like she was a fan of my music and admittedly, I was a dick to her.”

Yoongi glared at him. It was a first for him to hear about how Jungkook treated his ex-wife.

“Well, you should feel shitty because she really liked you and your music. For a while, I thought she liked you more than me. If I had known you were an asshole to her, I probably would have ripped you a new one. Hearing you admit you treated her like shit makes me feel like shit because I never knew and just assumed you guys were good with each other. You didn’t do or say anything bad to her, right? You’re not that type of person.”

Jungkook could only pretend to smile at Yoongi as he asked this.

He shook his head and lied. “No, never.”

Lying through his teeth to his best friend about how he treated you made his heart fall to his stomach. Well, Yoongi didn’t have to know because it was in the past. You couldn’t remember any of the mean things he’d said to you, so now was the perfect time to make a new, much better impression of himself to you. He decided days ago that he would be better, because deep down, he knew that you didn’t deserve to be treated like how he treated you.

[nov. 21, 2020]

Yoongi had taken the day off after his somewhat enlightening conversation with Jungkook last night. He decided that he needed to go see you and spend some time with you today, but before that, he needed to settle things with Yura.

They decided to meet up at his apartment for maximum privacy, just in case anything happened. He wanted to account for the worst case scenario of Yura probably getting angry and throwing things around, but he doesn’t think she’s the type of person to do dramatic things like that.

Turns out, she’s not. When he reluctantly tells her that he can’t continue on with what they had because of residual feelings for you, in addition to the fact that there were complications in that relationship that he can’t speak about carelessly, she had reacted calmly and amicably. Though Yoongi hadn’t expected her to throw a tantrum, he was expecting some kind of anger, but all he got was a sad look passing on her face followed by comforting words.

He apologized profusely for having dragged her around when he still had apparent feelings for his ex-wife and not figuring out his feelings for her, or lack thereof, sooner. She reassured him that it was okay and she’ll be fine.

“I’ll be fine Yoongi. I liked you, but it’s pretty obvious that you used me as some kind of rebound or replacement for your ex-wife, and I was okay with it. Truthfully, I was waiting for you to just come clean and break it off with me. I hope you and Yn figure things out this time, and I hope you can talk to her. Communication is important.” She reminds him before she leaves, but not before letting him know that she would always be there for him as a friend.

He had texted her after she left, and after a couple of minutes to himself, that he was thankful for her being so nice about the situation and all in all, he didn’t regret whatever short-lived affection they had for each other.

Yoongi still couldn’t believe how smoothly everything with Yura went. He hoped that the rest of the day would be the same.

☾

You woke up to a message from Jungkook asking if you were free, so you had to tidy up the apartment and yourself because you didn’t want to look messy in front of someone you had idolized for a long time.

Luckily enough, you didn’t have to cook since Jungkook offered to bring food. You thank your lucky stars for that because for some reason, you’ve been feeling incredibly sluggish and nauseous. It was probably some symptoms of the concussion you suffered. You remembered your doctor saying something about that the last time you were at the hospital.

About 20 minutes later, you heard your doorbell ring so practically skip to the door, excited to see Jungkook and steal the food that he brought.

You opened the door to see Jungkook standing there with a big back of food in his hands. He was wearing all black, with a leather jacket that looked a tad too big on him.

“You look warm.” You comment.

He rolled his eyes. “Are you gonna invite me in or not? I even brought you food.”

You laugh a little and move to the side to give him room to step inside the apartment.

“So, what have you been doing?” He asks as he makes his way to your dining room to put the food down.

You make your way to the kitchen to get some plates for the both of you.

“Nothing. I’ve been trying to look for some stuff but I don’t know where to start so I just gave up until you or Yoongi could come help.” You reply as you move to the dining room to set the plates down.

Jungkook takes the food out and puts some on the plates. Kimbap, like you asked, and some seaweed soup.

“How have you been feeling? Okay?” He questioned.

You nodded, though hesitantly.

“Eh, I’ve been feeling kind of tired. I think I might be sick because I keep wanting to vomit. Is that my wintermelon tea, by the way?” You pointed to the drink in his hand.

Jungkook poked the straw through the lid and handed it to you.

“Sick? Did you take any medicine? Are you feeling better now?”

You took a sip of your tea and sighed, missing the sweet taste of the drink. It felt nostalgic.

“Mhm, took some earlier and I'm feeling much better thanks to the food you brought!” You smiled.

Jungkook rolled his eyes jokingly once again. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

He didn’t think about your illness any further. It was probably a cold and nothing else.

For about 20 minutes, the two of you ate and spoke about little things, mostly about Jungkook and his career. It helped you get to know him a little bit better since he’s the only person besides Yoongi who could help you in your situation until Jin comes back.

After you finished eating, you told him that you needed his help going through your room in case there was anything that could jog your memory.

“I would ask Yoongi but he’s been busy lately.”

“So I’m just your last resort?”

“You’re literally the only other person in my contact list besides Yoongi and Jin.”

“Right, anyways, lead the way!” He exclaimed.

You laughed as you led him to the room at the end of the hallway.

“Sorry if it’s a little messy, I didn’t have that much time to clean up before you got here!” You explained.

Jungkook shook his head, telling you it didn’t really matter since it was gonna be a mess anyways while you two went through your things.

☾

When Jungkook walked into your room, he was once again hit with the feeling that he had no fucking clue who you were in the past years he’d known you. If he could describe your room in one word, it would be enchanting. White walls, white sheets adorn with a baby blue blanket, wooden floors, giant plants and a mirror much bigger than himself. Your desk was filled with different kinds of pens, different notebooks that look to have been trifled through, and an unnatural amount of books and crystals.

From the looks of the rest of your house, he probably shouldn’t be surprised at your bedroom, but it’s still a bit difficult for him to wrap his mind around the fact that you were this type of person. Bright, intelligent, and incredibly neat.

He walked up to your desk and picked up the different notebooks laid out messily on the table. When he opened each of them, he noticed that they were mostly blank, with the exception of a few doodles. There were some things he’d recognized as lyrics from songs he knew, but nothing truly relevant to the memories you lost.

You stood next to Jungkook and looked at the notebooks in his hands.

“I went through those already. Nothing but a few sad lyrics here and there. None of them triggered any memories.” You mentioned.

Jungkook put them down and started walking around the room with you as you talked about what you did find during the days that you were left alone. What he got from that conversation was that you had no luck with anything and that’s why you waited until either he or Yoongi could come over and help you. Jungkook knew that Yoongi was coming over later, so if he couldn’t help you find anything or answer any of your questions today, then maybe Yoongi could.

“Oh! I forgot to mention that I can’t even access any of my social media, so do you think I can look through my instagram through your phone? I mean, if that’s okay with you. I know some people feel uncomfortable giving their phone to someone else to play around with.” You asked.

Jungkook shook his head and stuck his hand in his pant pocket, reaching for his phone.

“It’s fine, you can look at your profile, I think I follow you. The password is 061313.” He stated as he handed his phone over to you.

You grabbed it excitedly, finally getting the chance to see what your life was like during the four years that were missing from your memory. You fell back onto your bed as you unlocked Jungkook’s phone and clicked on his instagram app quickly.

You took a look at his profile first, staring in awe at the pictures he’s posted. Most of his pictures are very dark and he had quite a few selfies. You smiled a little bit as you admitted in your head that he was indeed handsome.

Okay, Yn, onto the more important things! You thought to yourself as you quickly searched your username ‘faeyn’ on the search bar. At first you were excited, but it deflated when you saw just how many posts you had. 13 posts. And almost all of them were just landscapes. Some had pictures of you by yourself, or with Jin, but that was it. How the fuck were you supposed to try to figure out your life through 13 pictures?

Scrolling through each picture and their captions from the oldest to newest, you quickly realized that you must have decided that privacy was something that should be valued. There was nothing of substance to your situation in the captions you’d written. Just casual mentions of how your day was, or what you did that day. The only thing that caught your eye was the latest post you had, dated September 22. It was a picture of clouds and the caption said something about your therapist advising you to take a break, so you were going to be on a social media cleanse for a while.

Well, at least you learned one thing. Apparently, you started going to therapy again. For what? You don’t know. You only remembered going to therapy a couple of times after the whole incident with your bastard ex-boyfriend.

You filed this little detail into your brain and hoped that maybe it would make more sense later on. Swiping up on Jungkook’s phone took you to his home screen, but you paused for a little. Maybe you could snoop through some more apps and see if there was anything else you can find.

No, that would be an invasion of Jungkook’s privacy, you thought. Another part of you argued that he wasn’t going to know and he’s here to help you. If there was anything worth hiding, he wouldn’t have given you his phone and his password so easily. And if there was anything, it wouldn’t be incriminating since he mentioned that you two didn’t really know each other that well, so you shrugged and clicked on his messages.

I’ll just see if there are any messages to me. I won’t look at anything else, you justified, as if it made it any better.

After scrolling for a little while, you finally saw something worthwhile. A text convo between you and Jungkook and from the preview of the message, it looks like it was from the middle of September. You opened it, excited to see the contents, but what you saw made you furrow your brows.

What is this?

☾

After Jungkook gave you his phone, he continued walking around your room until he got to the side of your bed that was next to the window. He looked around for a bit and saw something in the corner of his eyes. Crouching down lower, he saw something on the floor behind your headboard. He couldn’t tell what it was at first, but as soon as he moved closer, he realized it was a thick notebook. Jungkook surmises that you probably hadn’t seen it despite telling him that you looked ‘everywhere’. He took the notebook and sat down on the floor, completely hiding his figure, but not before he could look at you. He wanted to see what was in the notebook before he showed it to you, and luckily enough, you had been facing away from him.

So he sat down and opened the notebook. From just the first page, he could tell it was some kind of diary or journal. There were lots of drawings and stickers and a picture of you in a field of flowers right in the middle of the first page. He flipped through the whole notebook really quickly and found that half of it was already filled.

A part of him wanted to read through the whole thing and see what kind of things you wrote, but another part told him that it wasn’t appropriate. Despite that, he convinced himself that he should read maybe just one entry, just to see if this notebook was something substantial to your current situation.

Jungkook took a peek at you again and noticed you still had your back turned to him so he took that as a sign that he could probably get away with reading an entry. He flipped to a page randomly and focused his eyes on the writing.

The entry was dated August 4, 2020. Fairly recent. He noticed that there were some dark blotches on the paper that made the ink bleed.

He began to read the entry, not knowing what he was going to find out.

It still seems weird to be writing about my problems in a journal. I’m still not used to it, but it’s been helpful since I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.

That made him frown.

I went to my OBGYN today because I’ve been having severe cramps and bleeding, but I already had my period so I was worried. And the cramps were starting to really hurt, so I had to go get it checked out just in case. Well, apparently I was pregnant and lost the baby.

Jungkook’s eyes widened and he gasped audibly. Luckily enough, it wasn’t loud enough for you to notice. He clasped his hand over his mouth at the disbelief in reading this information. A miscarriage? And so recent, too. He didn’t know how to feel. Yoongi had never said anything about this.

Jin actually just left my house a couple of hours ago. I don’t think the news hit me until now. I texted Yoongi earlier to tell him but he was busy so I think that was a sign that I should probably not tell him. It’s not like it matters right? Since the baby was gone anyways.

I know my therapist told me to stop with the negative self-talk, but it’s moments like this that really push me to just keep thinking I’ll never be good enough for the men that I love. Thanks to my bastard ex for fucking my mind up like this. No matter how hard I try, I always just circle back to the fact that I wasn’t good enough for him, and that I’m not good enough for Yoongi. Even fate is telling me that I’m not good enough to carry a child with the man I love. How fucked up is that?

Jungkook’s heart dropped to his stomach. He felt sick. There were so many things going through his head right now. He felt like he was violating something that was so private. Yoongi didn’t even know that you went through this. You didn’t even know you went through this. He shut the journal quickly, wiping the tears that formed in his eyes.

At that exact moment, he heard your heavy breathing and quickly got up to check on you. He walked around to your side of the bed and found you trembling with his phone in your hands. He noticed that his messages were open and he began to panic.

“What the fuck is this?” was the last thing he heard you say before your eyes rolled to the back of your head and you fell limp into your bed.

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[trensu]

No worries, and thanks for the response! I’m just imagining a bunch of people who HAD run-ins with Leitners, watching that episode and cheering. Gerry won a lot of fans that day! Tim and Jon make sure to read him all his fan mail.

oh man, you don't even KNOW, anon.

Tim has an absolute blast combing through all their hate fan mail for that episode. He finds it a bit inconvenient that they're only able to receive letters? Every time they try using email or any social media, the system crashes. But spending the day sorting through the letters they receive is, like, his MOST favorite thing to do. There's just something morbidly hilarious about people losing their minds over things that don't even matter, y'know? Being exposed to the literal embodiment of various Fears really puts life in perspective so the stuff all these people get offended by is really truly ridiculous.

And while organizing all this, he starts seeing letters addressed to Gerry-Ghost. A handful are written in a messy child's scrawl. Skimming through those makes something in Tim's chest twist in muted agony. Apparently Mr. Spider wasn't the only children's book out there hurting kids. He makes sure to hand off those letters to Daisy to ha, hunt down those books. He doesn't tell Gerry about those.

The other letters, however, are marginally less painful to read. They come from adults; surprisingly there was a 50/50 split as to whether those adults had children or not. But they all were full of grief and gratitude. Tim gathers all those in a box and sends them over to Jon. Jon's got a better voice for read-alouds than he does.

--

Dear Gerry-Ghost,

I don't know if that's your real name, but it's the only one I know you by. I feel kind of stupid writing to you. I'm too old to be watching kids shows, probably, but sometimes the world's too much, too complicated, and watching cartoons and kid shows is a good way to unwind. They're simple. They're colorful. And they tell good stories a lot of the time.

Sorry, I'm rambling. You don't need to know about my embarrassing television habits. I'm writing because I wanted to thank you. I wanted to thank you because now I know I'm not crazy. I'm traumatized, sure but I didn't imagine the book that took my little sister.

My little sister was a nerd; she'd read anything she could get herhands on. And she was a smart nerd. I knew she'd be going places. My parents and I worked hard to make sure she could go to uni. She wanted to study space. He was really into sci-fi; i'd almost be embarrassed for her if it weren't for how happy going to those geeky conventions made her.

Near the end of her second year at uni, she found a book at one of those conventions. She was so excited about it. She went on and on about it when she called me, but she put off reading it until she came back home. She wanted to share it with me, even though I, as her elder sibling, fulfilled my duty of teasing her mercilessly about it.

I should've read the book. Growing up, it was my job to make sure the stuff she read was age-appropriate since our parents couldn't read English. Sure, she was an adult now but I should've read that book first. It didn't feel right. When she showed it to me, the book just didn't feel right. And I ignored that to make fun of her for losing it over an old battered paperback with bad old-timey sci-fi art on the cover.

I don't want to say what happened to her. I don't like thinking about how I found what was left of her. I don't want to remember how the book was afterward; how the cheesy sci-fi creature on the cover was distorted in a scream of agony and looked devastatingly like my sister. My little sister's face was never meant to look like that. My sister's face was made for smiling, but I can barely remember hersmile now. All I ever see is that scream.

I don't know what happened to the book. It disappeared after it finished breaking my family to pieces. My parents and I haven't spoken much since I tried to tell them what happened. They still don't believe me. This letter got away from me. I didn't mean to spill all that out. I'm not big on sharing, normally.

I just needed you to know how grateful I am to you. Even if you didn't burn that book (it wasn't at the Leitner Burning I hope maybe it was one you found in your journeys. You don't need to tell me if it was. Or wasn't. I don't think I really want to know. This way I can still hope) at least now I know for sure that I didn't make all that up.

You saved so many lives with every Leitner you burned. The world is a better place for having had you.

I'm sorry you're stuck in a book.

I wish you could've met my little sister.

Sincerely,

Sol Carrera

--

Jon folds up the letter. Gerry's book is next to him, open to Gerry's page. Gerry stares at the box full of letters. Jon pretends not to notice. When Gerry speaks, his voice is soft and cracks slightly at the end.

"...they're all like that?"

Jon nods. "More or less. That's not all of them either. These are just the ones that Tim confirmed were about Leitners that have already been secured or destroyed. He gave the others to Daisy. You know she needs to feed, and the more Leitners we have..."

"The less there are out there. Yeah."

"Yeah." A quiet moment passes before Jon tentatively asks, "Do you want to hear another one?"

"I think so," Gerry says. A teasing smile appears. "But I want Martin to read it to me. He's got a better voice for this."

"Excuse me? I have a great voice! My job is literally talking," Jon says.

"Are you saying Martin doesn't have a good voice?" Gerry hums thoughtfully. Jon flushes, eyes darting around nervously.

"N-No! Martin has a lovely voice. He, he always sounds so sweet a-and soft. I mean, well, the children love it when he reads to them, and--!" Jon stutters to a stop when he catches Gerry's expression. Jon scowls. "Oh, you're absolutely awful. You don't deserve these letters. I'm going to burn them."

Gerry laughs. "No, no, I take it back. You have the best voice, please read me another."

Jon huffs exasperatedly but gamely reaches for another letter.

Dear Gerry-Ghost,

Thank you for burning that book...

[julieandthefandoms]

Housefull 2 MDZS/The Untamed AU

HELLO THERE MY LOVELIES! I’M MAKING A WILD TUMBLR REAPPEARANCE AND I BRING WITH ME SHINY NEW SHOWS I’VE WATCHED AND PERHAPS THE GREATEST AU I’VE EVER WRITTEN DOWN! 

Okay, so, I’m going to preface this by saying that I finally watched the Untamed over the past summer and now am slightly obsessed. I am also in the middle of reading the novel and watching the animation, so... that’s something.

Anyway, today, I decided that it would be a good idea to rewatch my favorite childhood film, a little Bollywood comedy titled Housefull 2. Upon rewatching this, I realized that the MDZS characters would fit really well into the convoluted mess of this plot and so I wrote a little bullet pointed AU idea thing. 

(I don’t think I’ll have the time to write this, so if anyone wants to use this concept, pleaseeee tag me/tell me about it. Also, if anything like this is already written, pleaseee tell me too, I need the crack content.) (I’m also desi, by the way, so I don’t know much about Chinese culture, so please tell me if anything is offensive or just plain inaccurate.)

So, without further ado, I’ll be presenting this Housefull 2 MDZS/The Untamed AU! 

-As per canon, JZX is emotionally constipated and couldn’t communicate until after his engagement with JYL got split up. Having made their sister cry, JC, WWX, and NHS (who gets roped into it) plan to crush JZX for hurting JYL. 

-They send WQ to crush JZX by breaking his heart but give her such vague instructions that she accidentally falls for Mianmain. 

NHS: “So... who’re we supposed to use to crush this Peacock. I mean, it can’t be any of us.” 

WWX: “I don’t know about y’all, but I’d be great at this mission.” *wiggles eyebrows*

JC *rolls eyebrows*: “I think you forgot that mom will have your head if you do something like this.”

JC: “Hey, you remember her from university?” 

WWX: “Who?” 

JC: “You know, *her*, the one with the needles who could murder anyone and get away with it” 

WWX: *laughing* “Holy hell, the Peacock doesn’t know what’s coming for him!” 

NHS: “And who might this mystery lady be?” He says, knowing exactly who this mystery lady is. 

JC and WWX: “Wen Qing.”

-All the while, JGS thinks that WQ and JZX are engaged because the Idiot Trio sent an envoy ahead that claimed WQ was a head disciple of Jiang and is a replacement for JYL. JGS has now set the engagement of WQ and JZX in August. 

-They find out about Mianmian/LQY and WQ too late, and now JC, WWX, and NHS send someone else, LWJ, to crush JZX’s heart. 

JC: “You can’t continue to do this, what happened to our deal?!” 

WQ: *death glares* “What our deal said was that I needed to woo someone vaguely in relation to the nickname “Peacock” and happened to be in Lanling as payback for JZX breaking your sister’s heart, I don’t think I’m the one who forgot our deal here.” 

JC: “And your first thought was that Mianmian/LQY was Peacock?!” 

WQ: “She’s pretty and a Jin, so…” 

Before there would be a throw down in this place, WWX interrupted: “Okay, WQ it’s alright that you feel for Mianmian/LQY, but who is supposed to help us teach JZX a lesson now?”

NHS: “I don’t know, but it could maybe be someone who’s already close to JZX.” 

JC: “That sounds like a horrible ide- Wait, that’s lowkey kinda genius. Do you remember him from university?” 

WWX: “Him?” 

JC: “Yeah, you know, him, the one who’s entire vocabulary was the syllable “Mn” and whom you pined after for years.” 

WWX *blushing like there’s no tomorrow*: “We can’t send him, he’ll probably send me off to do 50 handstands” 

JC: “Please, he’s do anything you ask him to” 

NHS: *flutters his fan while knowing to an extreme degree what’s going to happen*

-They send WWX as LWJ’s ‘driver’ for him to make sure the plan is on track, but it just ends in LZ/WY pining. JC is also sent there as a businessman since he needs to make sure JGS doesn’t suspect anything too suspicious. At the same time though, because JGS thinks WQ and JZX are engaged and since LWJ spends most of his free time talking to Mianmian/LQY about his hopeless pining, JGS starts to think that Mianmian/LQY and LWJ are to be engaged and plans another engagement. JGS is quick to inform LQR about this and now LQR thinks that his nephew is married to Mianmian/LQY and that they’re getting married in August. 

-At some point here, LXC is in Lanling to visit his bud Meng Yao and that’s when JC and LXC begin talking and stuff. (This can be platonic or romantic, I don’t have a personal preference). 

-Additionally, this is also when WWX and LWJ begin investigating the happenings of Lanling and discover the extent of an asshole JGS is. They'd probably be reported sporadically and NHS definitely sent this evidence to detectives XXC and Song Lan. 

-So far, no one has gotten to properly executing this plan, and JC & WWX are beginning to question things. Because things couldn’t possibly get worse, this is the moment when Madam Yu decides that it’d be a good idea to visit the Jins in order to remind them of their arranged marriage between JYL and JZX. So now, JC and WWX have to drag both LXC and JYL into this convoluted plot because otherwise everything would go horribly wrong. JC, WWX, NHS, JYL, LXC, WQ, LWJ, and Mianmian/LQY (WQ directly told the boys that if they don’t let Mianmian/LQY in on this, she’ll personally shove a needle where it hurts) are in this room together, attempting to processes the absolute mess that has occurred. (Poor JZX is still living obliviously, his father didn’t even tell him that he’s technically engaged to WQ now. JZX is just vibing in confusion and thinks he’s just being buds with LWJ because LWJ is horrible at flirting with anyone that’s not WWX so his job of breaking JZX is... not going well.) In the end, after being on the receiving end of many of JYL’s disappointed looks, JC and WWX convince her to help them with their plot just this once. (She wouldn’t tell anyone that she was secretly pleased, but hey, JYL kept her vengeance deep, deep down low and deserved to exercise it just this once.) 

-(it is important to note here that in this AU, Madame Yu doesn’t know what JZX looks like) 

-The plan would be that LXC would (reluctantly) pretend to be JZX in front of Madam Yu. Additionally, Madame Yu thinks the actual JZX is NHS (because JC panicked and that’s the first name he could come up with when Madam Yu asked who was that kid if LXC was JZX). This was to drive JGS off their tails as he still believed that WQ is engaged to JZX now. (He did email LQR about this as well who now thinks his nephews are now engaged to JYL and Mianmian/LQY, respectively, and are going to be married that August.) This is the part where WWX and LWJ finally start realizing that their feelings are mutual after a pep talk from Mianmian/LQY, LXC, and WQ (who’s pep talk sounded more like a shovel talk) for LWJ and from JC, NHS, and JYL for WWX. This is also when Mianmian/LQY and WQ grow closer and also decide that the rest of the group is useless and team up with NHS to knock some sense into JZX. Finally, JZX becomes less emotionally constipated and confesses to JYL, and because WWX, JYL, and JC think that an intervention from the scariest trio (WQ, Mianmian/LQY, NHS) is apt punishment, they call an end to their payback. (Also partially due to JZX having character growth as different characters grilled him throughout this AU). While this is great for our mains, it can only cause a bunch of shenanigans because of the way the parental figures interpret this situation. 

-JGS and Madame Jin think the pairings are: WQ/JZX, LQY/LWJ, LXC/JYL, WWX/NHS

-Madame Yu thinks the pairings are: JZX (except it’s LXC’s version of JZX)/JYL, LWJ/WWX, LQY/WQ, and (maybe?) JC/NHS (except it’s JZX who got confused for NHS)

-LQR thinks the pairings are: WQ/JZX, LQY/LWJ, and LXC/JYL

-Meanwhile, the pairings actually are: JZX/JYL, LWJ/WWX, LQY/WQ, and (maybe?) JC/LXC

-In conclusion, they’re all utterly fucked. Therefore, they have to bring everyone into this convoluted plot now, and finally JZX’s experiences over the past months make a little more sense to him. While discussing this mess they’ve created, WWX has an idea. 

WWX: “Okay, so, looking at the actual chart of who everyone thinks is who, the biggest disparity is between Madam Yu and JGS’s viewpoints, right? What if we just removed Madam Yu from the equation, make Madam Jin and Madam Yu have a falling out so that Madam Yu won’t be invited to the wedding so that we can focus on one of the false interpretations of all the relationships happening.” 

JC: “Madam Jin and Madam Yu have been the best of friends, how are we supposed to make them hate each other?” 

JYL: “I mean, we could stage something, a betrayal of some sort.” 

NHS: “I’m liking the way you think.”

-So through this plot and NHS’s concerning amount of connections, our group succeeds in breaking apart Madam Yu and Madam Jin’s friendship. JC and WWX also manage to worm their way into convincing the Jins to let JYL marry LXC to “spite Madam Yu’s wish of combining the Jiang and Jin families.” Because of JGS arranging and emailing parents throughout this fic, JYL, JZX, LXC, Mianmian/LQY, WQ, NHS, WWX, and LWJ are basically set to be married in August, except it’s to the wrong person! Soon enough, the wedding day arrives and the gang has a plan: they’ll dress the exact same and have the most elaborate and disruptive headpieces so that their faces are covered. 

(Note: Instead of NHS being part of the people getting married as it should be, JC is replaces him for the actual ceremony. Since the our marrige folks have their faces covered, nobody really notices that JC replaced NHS and is marrying LXC. This can be either because of a marriage of convenience to combine companies, or out of actual feelings. I’m cool with either interpretation in my head. Meanwhile, NHS is out in the crowd and People didn’t him because of his surprisingly useful camouflage fan.) 

-And so, the group sets NHS as their distraction while JC pretends to be NHS for the wedding ceremony. NHS basically knocks into the most expensive vase he can find so that most of the parental figures turn around, giving the group getting married the opportunity to switch places with one another until they’re in the right spot. So, a bunch of stuff happens, Madam Yu barges in to yell about how disgraceful it is for the Jins to go on with this marriage even though they broke the engagement in the first place and betrayed the trust of the Jiang corporation. Madam Yu also just, airs out JGS’s dirty laundry in a real badass way. 

-It’s all chaotic. Hell breaks loose. JGS goes batshit crazy and starts bringing our firearms. And so, basically, everyone ends up hiding behind pillars and stuff, though, eventually, after everyone has to run out of their hiding spot’s because Su She cannot shut the fuck up and keeps getting the other’s exposed, they all pile behind JGS in the world’s worst game combined game of Hide & Seek and Slither.io. It all finally ends when JGS gets arrested for a shit ton of crimes, and everything finally ends with a joint wedding between 8 people, except this time it’s with the right partners. 

So, yeah, that’s the AU that I wrote in a dazed craze in the past 2 hours. I hope it was at least partially understandable. I hope y’all have fun with it! Again, if you know of a fanfic that’s got a similar energy or want to write something similar, please tell me, I need more fanfiction. Also, that last scene is basically a direct copy of this scene from the movie Housefull 2. (I’m sorry though, I can’t find an english subbed version of the scene. :(

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

okay. this sucks, but here are some things you need to remember.

(tl:dr. I'm in very bad shape. just exceptionally bad shape. I do not think I am in danger of committing suicide on a timeline that means I need to wake my sleeping friends up at 1AM, but also, I do talk pretty clearly about suicidal ideation in here, so, you know, be advised.

-three weeks ago, your therapist was worried. two weeks ago, she said she thought you were doing better than three weeks ago. last Tuesday you both agreed you were doing about as well as the week before, if not actually better.

-right now you are backsliding.

-this scares the shit out of you but pretending it is not happening will not make you stop backsliding.

-you're still not eating. you're also sleeping worse, about six hours a night, sometimes more, sometimes less.

-you haven't actually done laundry since July. you have nothing resembling a clean item of your own clothing that fits you.

-you have not taken a bath or shower in two weeks.

-you are very behind in school and sliding further behind. probably you should have taken the whole semester off, but that seemed drastic three weeks ago.

-school feels like a worse emergency than the laundry or the bathing. actually it is not, probably. but it feels like one, so on the infrequent days you manage to do a thing besides eating inadequate food, that thing is usually school.

-you are completely checked out at work, but you probably would not be able to actually do things there either, if you cared. occasionally you try to do something and don't and then tell yourself it's because you don't care.

-you're not depressed, exactly. you're not sad. you're just not doing a goddamn thing. two weeks ago you felt hopeful sometimes, now you are starting to feel scared again.

-you absolutely need to acquire a phone charger and fight your pharmacy. can you do either of those things? I don't know.

-what will happen if you run out of mood stabilizer entirely? bad things, for sure.

-can you leave the house to go to the pharmacy or a place that sells phone chargers, or even to go on a walk?

-all of your clothes are filthy and don't fit. you don't want strangers to see you. you don't know where your housekeys are and haven't known for at least a week, so you've just been leaving your door unlocked when you're out at friend's apartments.

-your friends are not usually the kind of people who are too polite to tell you when you smell, at least Zoe definitely is not. it seems like you must, though, at this point.

-your goddamn fucking parents are coming to your house in a month. even if nothing gets worse, they will call you and your friends irrational. your mother will trigger your eating disorder. you will have to eat in front of them. you might start stress-gagging in front of them.

-they will call the way you talk "babbling" and they will be more concerned that your "babbling" has gotten worse lately than they will be about any of the symptoms you've told them about. this might be because you're trying to soften your symptoms for them, and you did tell them not to ask about your depression, but also, you feel this way, you are crashing and frightened, and their main concern is that your speech patterns are annoying. you hate this! sometimes you hate them.

-you do not feel necessarily depressed, but you keep thinking that you're dying. not in the panic attack way, just this intermittent certainty in the back of your head that you can't do anything anymore because you are dying, that the end result will be your death here. you will fail out of school and lose your job. your parents will make everything worse and eventually they will take some kind of control of the situation because you can't.

-if your parents get control of the situation, it will be bad. you will be made to live with them, at best. if they stop paying your rent, or if they show up in DC with their car, what can you do about it? nothing, realistically. you couldn't even stop them from visiting.

-you're not suicidal now, but you think you will probably kill yourself before you let them send you to an inpatient place they have chosen, in Philadelphia, far from your friends. that seems like how you die. you will kill yourself to get away from them.

-you didn't give them your power of attorney, but also, you didn't get a lawyer to help you sign that over to Zoe or anyone else, so they will, eventually, notice this situation and then you will have to kill yourself.

-probably when you do go to the pharmacy, assuming you ever get your shit remotely together enough to get your mood stabilizer prescription to go through, assuming you don't just backslide in your apartment, you should probably get someone to go for you or go with you.

-this is because you keep thinking you should one way or the other make a suicide plan, so that if it looks like your parents will get you, you can kill yourself first. you are thinking you should acquire some OTC stuff, maybe do a couple of google searches first.

-those thoughts mean you have to email your therapist immediately and probably also your psychiatrist. maybe she can help you fight the pharmacy over your mood stabilizer.

-if you tell your therapist that you are scared that you will kill yourself if you have to interact with your parents too much right now and she tries to tell you that you need to let them in so they can help you, you will have to get a new therapist somehow, but Dr. Jessica is pretty smart and might not tell you that if you are clear.

-also, she does not have either of your parents' contact information and you are almost thirty. she can't tell them you are dying or whatever. legally, she can't. nobody can without your permission.

-I guess maybe your boss or your pastor could, but your pastor would have to find their contact information first.

-(technically, your boss has their phone number because of when he took you to the hospital and your phone didn't work in the hospital but his weird dumb phone worked, so you used it to call them. but you probably shouldn't tell your boss this stuff either).

immediate steps: don't make a suicide plan. tell your friends, tell your therapist (maybe just email her the text of this whole post?).

nobody has a lot of bandwidth right now, but your friends will be more upset if you just rot until it gets worse than if you tell them now. also they will definitely be more upset if you buy a bunch of OTC medication that seems plausibly overdose-able without telling anybody that this is where you are. everyone will be very upset if you die in real life, so try not to do that.

it doesn't actually feel appealing right now, to die, which is probably good. it just seems like a better option than allowing this to continue long-term and it's one big task rather than a thousand impossible ones.

maybe check in with your good friend the suicide hotline

when you are a little more lucid, probably you should start referring to your parents' whole deal as "trauma" and attempting to... something about that.

you aren't entirely rational here, but also you are so afraid of what your parents would do if they tried to direct your medical care that you would rather be dead in real life and you've cried at least twice this week over things they did when you were a teenager, so that's.... where you are on that.

[6knotty6thotty6]

So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck: 

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late! 

[secondhoekage]

Ignore this long rant I’m high as shit but I... can’t take the hero commission oR HONESTLY THE HEROES THEMSELVES, seriously anymore

They’re BRAINLESS they all share one (1) brain cell and it belonged to Crust. THESE GUYS had MONTHS to strategize this attack and what did they do? They fucked it up. They want me to believe this was planned and not written on a chalk board the night before? Sent out to all heroes the next morning at 8am in a CHAIN EMAIL?

Unpopular opinion(?): they sent the worst possible, ill-suited heroes to each location for this PLF raid and I’m mad at them for it and I’m mad at Hori for making me be mad at it even tho he had to do it beCauSe oF pLot but I’m mad.

The MLA’s plans to take on The League of Villains? Spotless. Chef’s kiss. The detail. The one-on-one counters they planned out. Accounting for each enemy’s quirk. Yeah there were like 6 of them to account for but?? Heroes, yall had enough info and enough time to think of ways to go about this raid and I’m supposed to believe that you did, BUT DID YOU REALLY? MONTHS TO PLAN, and saw one electric Sir Crocodile rip-off and immediately threw Kaminari on his ass. Good move. Kinda. But the rest of the PLF? Heroes just gonna make shit up as they go I guess?? 

To make myself feel better here’s a long ass useless rant on what could’ve damn happened and which heroes should’ve gone where and to make this an epic ass rumble. ugh. Even just doing some of these things would’ve made this arc (imo) feel more... convincing and delicious

under the cut tho bc damn this is too long

In this essay I will—

Edgeshot??? EDGESHOT??    EDGESHOT?? i’M GOING TO GO OFF. 

I swear to shit Edgeshot could’ve soloed the hospital but they had him at the PLF mansion for Some Reason like... like they didn’t make him run up on the League’s bar instead of the Nomu factory bc they knew he would take care of shit immediately. Make it make sense. If he was at the hospital eye just—Nomu in the way?? Doctor running off? Say less. Electric slide all the way in there Shinya. DID NO ONE SEE HOW EASILY HE HANDLED KUROGIRI? Did everyone just forget this man can pull a K.O in .3 seconds flat? Heroes didn’t think it might be a good idea to have him there, ready to give Shigaraki the paper cut of his life the second he woke up (if he even did bc my mans likely could’ve prevented the ‘doctor getting away>high-end awaken>rush to get shiggy out of the tank>shiggy wakes up’ chain of events)? Didn’t think to send him instead of this guy X Less just sitting there with That Look on his face? 

I get they needed heroes like Edgeshot at the mansion to take out a handful of enemies in one go but COME ON NOW. There were more than enough long-range AOE heroes there. And even if you don’t wanna believe he could solo then STILL, EDGESHOT DUOING WITH MIRUKO, ANYBODY? If anyone was gonna keep up with her happy ass zooming into the lab it could’ve been him. We were robbed of an Edgeshot/Miruko teamup and I’m not okay. Could’ve had a sexy ass panel of the hospital-team hyping up Miruko and Edgeshot as they dashed to Ujiko’s lab, two fast as shit bad bitches, zooming through these Nomu, absolutely obliterating them at lightning speed, watching each other’s backs too, PROBABLY SAVING MIRUKO FROM BECOMING THE PRE-DEATH ORGAN DONOR THAT SHE IS NOW. I know it was hot watching Miruko take on these high-ends but I’d have rather Edgeshot share the spotlight if it meant Miruko was in one piece rn. Hori played her

Anyways the literal dumb bitch energy that went into not sending Edgeshot to the hospital is sending me. Could’ve at least let him just be on the team and on standby while Shigaraki was waking up. With those sharp as shit reflexes of his we’ve seen? Shigaraki would’ve been out like a fucking light the second Edgeshot saw him sit up. X-Less you had a nice thicc upper lip that lip was too shaded for you to die, but F in the chat bitch. Useless plot fodder I’m sorry X-Less. There isn’t a hero there right now (besides Aizawa but like... idk, plot is nerfing him) that could’ve incapacitated Shiggy so quickly and prevented the mess they’re in now like my guy Edgeshot could’ve. Feels like a cop out

In conclusion: Edgeshot sweety I’m sorry they did this. I’m sorry you were nerfed. I’m sorry they didn’t let you deliver Kamino Pizza to this hospital. I’m sorry they ignored you and now everyone’s gonna die bc they didn’t they respect your Ninpo rights

CEMENTOSS??? y’all sent him to fuck up the mansion FOR WHAT??? If I were the hero commission and thought :

“Dang we need to completely ass blast this huge PLF resort to make room for our heroes to run in... but it would also be good if we had someone to do that at the hospital too just in case things get tricky and we need to pave a quick way to Ujiko’s secret hideout... but I’m single-celled and can’t weigh my options logically so ok. Cementoss, to the mansion.”

...................... Ok but can I in interest you in PIXIE BOB? I get the mansion is huge but going by the shit we’ve seen her do?? I’m not about to underestimate ol’ girl. I know she could’ve fucked that place up if they let her, switched her out for Cementoss, who could’ve made THE EASIEST route for the hospital team to get into the secret lab, trapped Ujiko, also trapped a couple nomu/high-ends in cement while he was at it, rearranged some tunnels for optimal tactical movement, probably could’ve done a decent-fucking-job at slowing the onslaught of Decay too if it got to that point (AND IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BC THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS RANT IS TO INSIST THAT A BETTER SELECTION OF HEROES WOULDN’T HAVE RESULTED IN SHIGGY’S CURRENT THANOS SNAP ORdEAL)

I know Pixie’s mostly on rescue operations and that’s what she’s doing at the hospital/surrounding city but WHY?? EVEN IF THEY REALLY NEEDED CEMENTOSS AT THE MANSION—WHY NOT HAVE PIXIE BOB DOING SOMETHING IN THE ACTUAL HOSPITAL BATTLE? JUST A LITTLE? The hospital is built on uh.. oh yeah... EARTH? And considering in the Forest Training arc she was using her quirk from a remote location (to make that Earth golem, or whatever) she wouldn’t even HAVE to be IN Ujiko’s lab to be useful

Can y’all PLEASE put at least ONE of your terraforming heroes at the place where y’all REALLY need them?? And not after-the-fact like y’all just did with Pixie Bob? Because clearly she didn’t do shit this last chapter trying to stop Decay. I’m sorry girl. You may be dead. Terrible.

I would have legitimately sent Snipe to get Ujiko before I sent Miruko and that’s that on that. Where is he even? He was there during the briefing but he’s gone? MIA? Idk. No way Ujiko is getting away from those bullets. Target locked: Ujiko’s hand. Fire. High-end Nomu remote goes bye bye. Then another bullet in the leg. No need to worry about him escaping and waking up high-ends/Shiggy when he doesn’t have kneecaps. Problem solved. No way it would’ve taken that long to break Shiggy’s tank either with a few well-placed pew pews zigging around some Nomu (not that we really wanna break him outta his tank bc look what happened). Snipe’s 6/5 technique stat deserves better!!!!!

Gang Orca did not go off and give a bunch of kids brain damage during the License arc to be so thoroughly ignored here. He’s clearly about to get his shit rocked by some gauged-out ex-Hot Topic employee in the next few chapters and ugh you’re TOO GOOD FOR THAT ORCA. COULD’VE BEEN OF USE AT THE HOSPITAL. PARALYZING SONIC WAVES? WE’LL TAKE IT. Who knows if any of the high-end Nomu would’ve been affected by paralysis but the small fry? Probably. Shiggy’s little twink ass? I would bet on it. Not that it would really stop him from using Decay but still

At the risk of sounding like someone I know who endorses child labor (the hero commission) here me out: CAN I GET A UHHH JUZO HONENUKI??? AGAIN YEAH good that he was at the mansion to do some long-range AOE action but if y’all are gonna force kids to join in on this war anyways, put your strongest and most useful ones at the place you need them. Shit it would’ve been real nice if Honenuki was there to trap some Nomu—uncertain if it would work against the high-ends that show some pretty flexible quirks but who knows—and even at the risk of reaching, maybe in some universe where Shiggy and Honenuki face off, it would be interesting to see Decay against Softening, since Decay’s one big weakness is that it can only work on solid objects sooOooOo? Idk. Would’ve been a cool match up but I hate that the kids are fighting anyways so we’re gonna ignore this Juzo rant. Just know it would’ve been cool

And as for the mess that’s going to be this fucking mansion soon... .. We’re just gonna ignore a whole ass Geten, big destructive power, big fucking threat, and not gonna throw Endeavor’s ass in there? Makes sense. They’re leaving it to Shoto I guess. They said time for you to fucking shine kid. Get in there. I mean really trading Endeavor for Edgeshot would’ve been top tier strategy but...

I MEAN THEY?? Made up a whole ass plan to counter ONE greasy-looking PLF guy by throwing Kaminari in there, but they couldn’t make up a plan to counter Geten? Are they just?? Pulling names out of a hat to see who gets to fight who? Did they spin a bottle to see who it landed on? Did Mt. Lady pull the short stick? I swear on shit when Geten starts going feral soon I’m not gonna feel sorry about it. Unless heroes got a plan and someone’s gonna make a sexy ass top 10 anime entrances to counter his ice then I’m disappointed. We went ape shit over Kaminari countering one of the commanders but are we not gonna get anymore ‘I’m your perfect counter and I’m here to stop you’ moments? No? I’M PISSED. 

I would have also settled for my kween Nejire being there to blast away some ice because who tf else is gonna do it? But eh. 

Dabi will also be trouble depending on what he decides to do. He only has about 3 good ideas a month and he’s used them all up by now so he’s in dumb slut territory as we speak. But you’d think that a villain as widely recognized as Dabi with such a destructive quirk would urge the heroes to have some plan to take him on but?? So far I don’t really see anyone quick to take on the role. Not that it’d be that hard bc he’s dangerous but also dangerously dumb. Where is Inasa. Maybe he can just blast the flames back in Dabi’s face. I love him but at this point he deserves to have some of his rights taken away

Don’t even get me start on Gigantomachia. I get the heroes had little choice except to attack before Shiggy was full-power but just?? NOT having a plan in case by some little chance Gigantomachia DID wake up? You stupid bastards. You absolute fools. I guess there’s not much you CAN do but FUCK y’all just gonna let him SIT THERE? No counter measures? No ‘Let’s execute this incredibly thorough and thought-out plan we’ve spent months formulating to restrain Gigantomachia in case he does end up waking up, because better safe than sorry’? When he tramples like 50 students I bet that shit gonna hurt

I hate it all. I was really happy about seeing Shiggy go off 272 bc he’s a king but after rereading from like, 258 I feel... weird. Maybe this will be resolved with more chapters but. eh. Now that I’ve thought of this, I can’t go back. I miss the brain power that was behind the MLA fight

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[a-student-out-of-time]

Explain yourself dork. Yes I mean Kyoji. Gone for who knows how long and suddenly you're conveniently back and helping with a bust?

//https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYdImXwmee8

To understand this, I think I should start at the beginning. In fact, all of this began after that original Kasugano broadcast.

_________________________________________________________

“Those of you who attend this school, I will ensure your exploitation comes to an end. Those of you across Japan, who have committed great sins against others and never faced justice, you know who you are. I know who you are too.”

_________________________________________________________

Even back then, to me, the words from the broadcast seemed too precise to just be someone dissatisfied with the current state of affairs. No, I knew it had to be someone who knew the truth.

That was when I knew I had to get involved somehow. And I knew it was going to start with the kids.

So I spent a couple weeks gradually trying to get in touch with the parents, just quietly enough that I could be sure I wouldn’t draw any attention to myself. And lucky for me, I managed to do so right around the time a certain young actress went missing. Which was also coincidentally when Kasugano really showcased his abilities.

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

After that, I can guarantee you that Utsugi Junya was more paranoid than ever, and even some of the other parents were starting to fear for themselves. After all, if he could out someone like Otonokoji, who’d kept her role in 60+ murders secret, what could they hide?

It was honestly hard to keep myself from laughing when I talked to them. When I was sure that I got Utsugi on my hide, next I went after the Shingetsu’s.

_______________________________________________________

Yes, I can promise that your son will be in care. Nobody else will know. This will stay between all of us.

_______________________________________________________

I got there at a good time. Shingetsu Nagisa was being pushed to the breaking point and wasn’t far from total mental collapse. And after I caught the news of Daimon Masaru’s father beating him to the point that he ended up in the hospital, I knew I had to do something.

So I made a deal with him.

_______________________________________________________

Y-You can make sure everyone’s okay, right? W-We’re all gonna be okay?

I swear on my life. But I’m going to need you to work with me, okay?

Nobody can know that you’re awake. Whenever the clinic’s open or you’re absolutely certain that someone else is around, you need to pretend to be catatonic. You can’t let anyone know that you’re awake.

But wouldn’t me remaining unconscious for weeks draw more suspicion? 

That’s kinda the idea. Don’t worry, this will all make sense in due time. I just need you to trust me. And I’ll also need you to help me get in touch with your friend Towa Monaca.

__________________________________________________________

Following that, it was fairly easy to send her the occasional email. I was also planning on trying to look for Utsugi-san.

But as luck would have it, you guys brought her right to me. Yeah, as good as that disguise was, I knew it was her from the beginning. And I knew she would be safer with you all, especially as the final leg of the plan took place.

And that’s why you gave me that letter.

I was working with these parents. It wasn’t hard to guess that you had somehow found a way to located Shingetsu-san, and that you and your friends had some connection to Kasugano. It explained the break-in at my clinic, that’s for sure. I needed you working at a rate that was compatible with what I had in mind.

And you actually gave me the perfect next step there. That gave me all the ammo I needed to keep feeding into Utsugi’s paranoia, making sure he moved exactly as necessary when I needed him to.

Which got a bit complicated with that broadcast in Towa City where Kasugano gave them an Ultimatum.

But as it turns out, that also helped me plan ahead with Monaca-chan.

__________________________________________________________

“So you’re lost on what to do?”

“I’m...planning. Brainstorming. There’s a difference.”

“Hmm...hey, here‘s an idea.”

“Kasugano-sama always talks about how much he wants to save people, right?”

“Yeah?”

“What if we gave him people to save?”

“How so?”

“A staged kidnapping, duh! We get a bunch of people and he has to come to save them! That’s how we’ll get him to come to us!”

“That’s...pretty extreme.”

“Nobody’d really be in danger! We‘d just have to really act like it!”

“...”

“You may have just given me the best worst idea I’ve ever had. You really wanna meet Kasugano? I’ll help you make it happen.”

“You will?! Yes!”

__________________________________________________________

Yeah, believe it or not, she gave me the idea for this. And I presented it to Utsugi.

__________________________________________________________

You’re sure about this?

Absolutely. It’s extreme to be sure, but it’s a surefire solution.

I mean, he hasn’t found us yet, right?

You...do have a point.

We’re going to need some convincing tactics first though. We need to get them scared, as counter-intuitive as that may sound. We want to scare them, and show Kasugano we have his kind of reach as well. And I think I know just who to go after.

Inori Kanata, adopted daughter of the famous Ando Hikaru. She’ll be perfect. I’ll also hire some assistants to help us patrol, see if we can find anyone connected to Hope’s Peak. I’m certain that Ando won’t hand Daimon over so easy, but that’s not what we need. Just make sure we put the right kind of fear into them.

__________________________________________________________

Lucky for me, Utsugi was full of fear and hate at that point. He went right ahead with it. He even went straight to Hope’s Peak himself.

I...didn’t exactly expect Inori-san to end up saved courtesy of Komaeda-san’s luck, but still.

From that point, it was about finding someone adequate to work as hostages. Hostages that I’d be in charge of. And that’s when I...really had to dip in some unpleasant waters.

__________________________________________________________

“I know way for this plan to work, but I really need you to listen to me, alright?”

“Monaca’s listening.”

“I need to get in touch with your brother. And I’m going to convince him to kidnap you.”

“Huh?!”

“Oh...oh, wait...”

“Oh, Monaca gets it now. She‘s gonna be the fake hostage, right?”

“Oh, it’s so much better than that. I have something bigger in mind for you, if you’re interested.”

“If this works, we can make you the next in line to inherit Towa Group.”

...

“Monaca’s listening~”

__________________________________________________________

That was when the official partnership between me, Utsugi, and Towa Haiji began. Towa was already freaked out after that citywide broadcast, and Utsugi was the one who...let’s see he was a springboard for to move into more...extensive plans.

That was when we started moving into taking other girls. I’d convinced him that we needed the money, which, thanks to Towa hiring so many henchmen for us, we were in a bit of short supply of.

With that, we set up shop in that old cargo warehouse by the docks. It was Utsugi’s recommendation, since he’d been planning for some time to sell his daughter off after she hit puberty, and that was where he was going to meet up. It was...adequate.

We moved all our forces there for extra security, and shortly afterward, we caught word of a certain group of girls who’d been investigating the situation. A trio that was exploring Hope’s Peak, the hospital, and a few other spots we hadn’t known about. So we decided they were our best bet.

__________________________________________________________

“It’s simple. You go in dressed as cops and they’ll believe you.”

__________________________________________________________

And with that, I had everything I needed. We moved Monaca there as well, with the cover-story that if we put her in a vat of specialized fluids full of healing compounds, I could get her to walk again. I knew she wasn’t really paralyzed, but it was the perfect story to convince them to move her in.

__________________________________________________________

*Mouthing* “From now on, don’t move unless it’s just me, okay?”

*Monaca nods*

“It should just be a few days. Hope you can wait that long. But then, you’ll be asleep through most of it.”

*Monaca nods, excited*

__________________________________________________________

It was never about the money for me. It was always about the mission. I was planning on sabotaging this entire operation from the beginning. To that end, I made sure I had as much working against us. But I needed it to happen according to my plans, nothing I couldn’t see coming.

__________________________________________________________

Trust you? How am I supposed to trust you? Why does this have to happen?!

Hmm…

*He reaches over and grabs her blindfold, pulling it up*

H-hey, what’re you…huh?

How’s that?

…What’s this about, really?

I don’t like this anymore than you do. But that’s why I’m doing this.

And when all this is over, and you’re in the custody of the police, or Kasugano, or whomever, and you’re away from all this and they ask you what happened…

I want you to remember my face. I want you tell them everything you can about me.

Is this a threat…?

Just a request.

__________________________________________________________

And after all that, it worked. It really, actually worked. Sure, I had a few issues and hiccups here and there, but in the end, I got you all to come.

So, there you have it. Any more questions?

[hufflautia]

Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know 

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them.  my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help. 

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

[bigtittyhimmler-blog]

Who Goes Nazi? Brooklyn Edition

If you’re anything like me, a twenty-something Twitter leftist with an advanced degree in the humanities, you hate absolutely everyone around you and badly want to kill them. You live in a brownstone playground of Timorese food and adult coloring books, and you want to suicide bomb the L train but leave a note blaming it on manspreading or whatever, so people don’t think you’re one of “those” random mass murderers (the bad kind). You hate having to tell people at parties that you “work in content,” and you hate the fact that they all also work in content. You hate that they all make content for outlets that are slightly cooler and more prestigious than the outlets you make content for. You hate that none of them have even fucked you for like thirteen months. You hate that you can’t even hate them for the ways in which they’re different to you, because there aren’t any. But fear not! There’s one thing you’ve got that nobody else does: you know that you’re definitely, 100% Not A Nazi.

But what about them? Imagine if the Nazis took over America and it was suddenly cool and prestigious to be a Nazi, and there were trendy Nazis on the TV the whole time, and they once again sold soap with slogans like “Dove: The White Pride Soap for Hating QTBIPOC and Not Amplifying Their Voices.” But also don’t imagine, because that’s exactly what’s happening.

 This game was invented by Dorothy Thompson in her classic 1941 Harpers essay Who Goes Nazi?, in which she presciently pointed out that intellectuals are definitely more Nazi than aristocrats, but not nearly as Nazi as union leaders. But she set her essay at some dinner party in the Hamptons or wherever, and last time I went out there I went swimming in the sea and a wave hit me and I lost my bikini top and a bunch of bros in boat shoes started laughing and pointing at me in a way that despite my white privilege I still feel was somehow like imbued with racism, and then afterwards I just stayed inside for three weeks writing content and ordering groceries online, so the setting needs to be updated. Let’s look at your group DM. Which of these Twitter creatives who live in Brooklyn would go along with it and become a Nazi? (All of them.) And who never, ever would? (Me.)

 Mr A isn’t actually in your group DM, and you’ve never encountered anyone like him irl, but you literally can’t stop talking about him, so he gets included anyway. Mr A is a short ugly loser, and he’s already a Nazi. He doesn’t even live in Brooklyn, he lives in his mother’s basement, and eats chicken tenders, and he doesn’t get laid, but in a different way to the way you don’t get laid, which has to do with patriarchy. Mr A is a Pizzagate. Mr A is a Gamergate. Mr A is a segregationist. Mr A opposes the reforms of the Emperor Diocletian (284-305). Mr A won’t shut up about the superiority of a “free silver” bimetallic monetary system over gold specie, and keeps on talking about the “gold shills” in a way that doesn’t really make sense until you realize that your own name is Goldschmidt, and yeah, he doesn’t really care about expansionary monetary policy at all, he’s talking about the Jews, and specifically you. Mr A is basically a pathetic worm whose life sucks and nobody likes him, but also he represents the whole of the repressive forces of society and he’s at the top of the social hierarchy. Everyone you’ve ever met is actually Mr A, wearing various masks. He is the source of all your problems. He must be killed, and once we kill him, we need to find more people like him to be the source of any problems we have left over.

 Mr B is in your group DM, but you also have a separate group DM with everyone else except Mr B in it. He keeps trying so hard to be nice, and says stuff like “so how is everyone’s day today” with a smiley emoji, and when you’re talking to him you get this airless feeling like you’re about to suffocate in his treacly good-natured presence. Every time you see Mr B at a party you’re afraid that he’s going to blurt out that he loves you, but you can’t keep your distance too much because he’s so clearly autistic, and you don’t want to be ableist. Anyway once in the group DM he said that while he obviously thought divining for water with Y-shaped copper rods was good and important and valid, he didn’t understand what it had to do with socialism. That made everything better, because clearly he’s a Nazi. The whole group DM expended hours of emotional labor educating him about how dowsing is part of LGBTQ+ culture and how his dismissive bro-y attitude was reactionary and gross, and eventually he posted a video of himself crying and begging for forgiveness and promising to do better, because you guys were the only friends he had. This was classic white fragility, but in the end you let him stay. You just have the other DM now, where you make fun of him and it’s ok, because if the Nazis came and he had license to start being cruel and sadistic to other people, he’d definitely do it.

 Ms C is one of those women who doesn’t like other women, and you know this about her because you can’t fucking stand the bitch. Plus she says stuff that’s really not ok, even though it costs nothing to have empathy and be kind. You’ve personally heard her use the D-word, the H-slur, and the L-pejorative, all while laughing and holding a glass of white wine by the stem, like she doesn’t need to consider the harm this does to others, just because she’s “funny” and “an artist.” She’s the Cool Chick. She makes nude self-portraits (the bad, skinny kind), and she’d throw you under the bus in a second for male attention and approval. She’d definitely go Nazi. But the worst thing about her is that she has the impudence to be bisexual and Asian, which makes it really hard to call her out. But then you realized that all Asian people are collectively responsible for the long history of anti-Blackness and misogynoir in their communities, and you’re thinking of holding her collectively responsible for the Rape of Nanking too, once you’re certain she’s a sushi Asian and not the dim sum kind.

 Ms D’s boyfriend works in finance, or like accountancy or something, or I think I heard he was a musician? Maybe a drummer or possibly he used to bartend at a place where they had live music. Anyway they definitely have vanilla cishet sex in the missionary position and you can’t stop thinking about it, his body, her body, naked, moving, breathing, together, almost silent, tender, disgusting. She says she’s a socialist but doesn’t devote every minute of her waking life to getting mad about people online. This means she’s just vaguely following a trend, and if the trend were being a Nazi (which it is), she’d be a Nazi (which she therefore is). You can’t imagine yourself actually hitting her but it’d definitely be punching up to maybe poison her food?

 Mr E used to be a comrade, but then he did a tweet that got 38.6k RT’s and now he’s moved to Los Angeles to spend his whole time in writers’ rooms. Last you heard he was pitching an animated show for adults about a snail with borderline personality disorder. It hasn’t even been greenlit yet, but you’re already thinking about all the ways in which it will be a missed opportunity and do harm and perpetuate tropes. Mr E will definitely turn out to have been a Nazi, and then you can start an anonymous petition to get the show cancelled so he has to move back to New York. Once he’s back you can send him a long email about how much it sucks his career burned out and how (even though you won’t say it in public) sometimes people do actually take the social-justice thing too far. That way he’ll be a comrade again, which is good, because we believe in rehabilitating people who have a genuine change of heart.

 Mr F probably thinks he’s better than you. He’s a union organizer. So are you (you added “#Unionize” to your Twitter name), but his union stuff involves workers who aren’t in tech, content, or grad school, and he probably thinks that makes him more in touch with “the real workers,” who he probably thinks are just a bunch of cis white males in a factory, who are probably all racist and probably have thick, heavy dicks that intrude on your mind in a kinda #MeToo way a lot of the time. He talks about class, and you agree that class is important because you’re not a lib (you support Bernie, you just want him to Do Better). But from the way he says it you’re certain he doesn’t acknowledge all he/him lesbians as part of the working class. He’s trying to save a tiny sector of the workers from a necessary and important socio-economic shift that will impoverish them and make their lives worse, and that’s what being a Nazi is. This is why his union needs to stop dragging their heels, change all of their rules and priorities, and let you get him fired.

 Ms G (me) will never go Nazi, because she is beautiful and kind and pure, and has all the good opinions instead of the bad ones. Because of this she’s allowed to do things that other people can’t do. She can totally fail to understand what having an authoritarian personality actually means, and construct a version of the Who Goes Nazi? essay in which the people who go Nazi are just people who are already right wing, having confused politics with personality, probably because she herself has no personality other than her politics. She can minimize, ignore, or even encourage the infliction of actual suffering when it happens to the wrong kind of people. She can write that “nothing that terrible has really happened” since the publication of Mark Fisher’s Exiting the Vampire Castle, even though Mark Fisher himself is mysteriously not around to appreciate that fact. She can do some shit with threatening to leak an unedited draft that I don’t even want to go into. She knows that the Nazis don’t come promising hatred but promising to be your friend, but it’s ok because she doesn’t really have any friends, just mufos. She’s doing great. She’s building a better, kinder world. She will never, ever be the Nazis.

[mattygraygubler]

our campus: chapter 3 (tom holland fanfic)

summary: frat!tom and reader go to the same college and y/n is tasked with being his tutor, they don’t really get along at first (because i love reader and tom hating each other trope)

warnings: talk of being roofied, drinking

word count: 3.1k

a/n: more dialogue and texts????? someone come take my laptop away ALSO bold is texts or emails, u get it

for a list of characters click here

to be added to the tag list send me an ask !

masterlist

✰✰✰✰✰

“So???” Emily said immediately as you sat down at your usual table for lunch. You dropped your salad and slid into the seat next to Ally. 

“So what?” You asked, even though you knew exactly what she was talking about. 

“Tutor boy! Is he hot for teacher yet?” Emily said with a wink. 

“God, Em, you’re the worst.” You replied. 

“And you are avoiding the question.” Isabelle said as she grabbed your iced tea. “You can have this back after you dish.” 

“Fine. His name is Tom Holland-” you were interrupted by Ally choking on her water, spitting all over her empty plate. 

“Tom Holland?! God, Y/N, I am so sorry.” Ally said. “He’s the fucking worst.” 

“What what what explain now.” Emily said in one breath. 

“Ok so first of all he’s super hot, so no matter what he auditions for, he always gets cast. In fact, he’s currently starring in Romeo and Juliet, which if you remember I’m stage managing. So needless to say, I unfortunately have to work very, very closely with him.” 

“Al, why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Emily said giddily. 

“For Y/N’s sake, I was praying it wasn’t him.”

“What was he like?” Isabelle asked you. 

“Well he came up to me and hit on me before realizing I was his tutor.” You said, and then proceeded to tell the rest of the horrible story of your first encounter with Tom. 

“Ohmigod he’s totally into you,” Emily said in one breath. 

“Yeah, you need to stop tutoring him.” Isabelle said. 

“Iz, are you INSANE?!” Emily replied. 

“What? He’s obviously incredibly disrespectful. She shouldn’t waste her time.” 

“Look, I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. The second he breaks a rule, I’m done.” 

“I love it when you give boys rules, it’s so hot,” Isabelle said and you all laughed. 

The rest of the day passed by relatively quickly, and thankfully the delta nu meeting finished early, meaning you could get some work done before Tom showed up. 

You were sat in the hlab, getting some work done for your political conflict class, when a figure slid in across from you, pulling one of your headphones out of your ear. 

“Jess!” You greeted Jessie with a smile. 

“I have goss.” She replied. Just like Jessie, always straight to the point, and always the center of gossip. 

“About who?” You asked, intrigued. 

“You.”

“Me?” She nodded, a giddy smile on her lips. 

“Word around the quad is that a certain tutee of yours has a little crush.”

“Jessie, what are you talking about.” 

“Tom told Harrison, who told James, who told Max, who told me that he said you were gorgeous and that he didn’t think he could work with someone he was so attracted to.” You rolled your eyes. 

“What a bunch of bullshit. He’s just a horny frat boy.”

“Y/N! You LOVE horny frat boys!”

“Well he’s not my type.” 

“How?! He’s absolutely gorgeous.” 

“You fuck him then!”

“Believe me, I’ve tried.” Jessie said with a laugh. You raised your eyebrows. “Okay, I haven’t really tried, Max has this rule about me fooling around with his frat brothers.” 

Max and Jessie were unseperable ever since freshman seminar, when Max came out as gay at an hc party and Jessie decided he was adorable and needed her protection. Since then, Jessie was a rock for Max, and no one, besides the juniors in hc, knew he was gay. Including his fraternity brothers. 

“Whatever, I’m not interested.” You said. 

“Y/N you truly are impossible sometimes. You’re never gonna get frat bingo until you get delt, and he’s a delt.” You sighed. After being roofied by a delt freshman year, you almost gave up on frat bingo. You would’ve been the first in your friend group to get it if you hadn’t given up on delt. Ally dropped out sophomore year, Isabelle fell behind when she got a boyfriend, and Emily was a bit behind you. 

She would never admit it, but Emily was a prude. To an extent, of course. She played the flirt so well people didn’t realize that she rarely slept with guys, and never guys she didn’t know. 

“Look I need some food. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Jessie asked. You nodded, and immediately began texting your friends. 

♡girly girls♡

You

ok we have an issue

Al

What’s up?

You

well apparently tom told his frat brothers that he has a crush on me and doesnt want me to tutor him because hes “too attracted” to me

Em

holy

fucking

shit

he did not

Iz

i said from the start this was a bad idea. do you like him N/N?

You

i mean not really. hes not my type. 

Al

of course he isnt, hes not emotionally unavaliable and incredibly intelligent but incredibly problematic

You

w o w way to read me to filth al

Al

it had to happen

You

whatever its almost 915 so i better go

love u losers

You put down your phone, pulling out your political conflict textbooks and start reading. Soon, you were engrossed in the greek war of independence, completely forgetting where you were or what time it was. 

Books did that to you too often. In fact, it made you insecure. For so long you didn’t think you were as smart as the other hc kids, you were just a fast reader. Freshman year, when you really got close to the other hc kids, you realized that they were your people. You belonged. 

You glanced at your phone. 9:45. He was a half hour late. 

You debated texting him, but decided against it. You would wait for him to show up, tell him he broke a rule, block his number, email G, and move on. 

It took another ten minutes for him to show up. 

“Evening sweetheart,” he said as he stumbled into the hlab, which was now completely empty except for you. He sat across from you and started unzipping his backpack. 

“No need to unpack, this shouldn’t take long.” You said. He looked at you quizzically. “It’s two minutes before ten. You’re incredibly late, and my time is incredibly valuable. It’s also fairly obvious you’ve been drinking. I don’t have time for slobs who get drunk on a Monday and aren’t respectful to people who are giving up their time to help you.” 

You slung your bag over your shoulder and started to walk out. 

“Y/N, c’mon, you’re being dramatic. I promise I won't do it again.” He said from behind you. You stopped cold and turned slowly to face him, although he was still a good 10 feet away from you. 

“Did you just call me… dramatic?” 

“I’m sorry, darling, but you were-”

“Stop. Do not call me darling, and never, ever call a girl dramatic. I made myself crystal clear, both yesterday and today, you do not deserve my time, Tom Holland.”

“Y/N-” 

“I truly wish you all the best and I hope you’re able to graduate, despite having less brain cells than a cantaloupe.” You felt your words sting him, but you didn’t care. He was disrespectful, he deserved it, you told yourself. 

“Y/N.” He said, his voice cracking. He took a deep breath. “Please don’t leave. I’m sorry.” This was not what you were expecting from him. 

He sighed, sitting on his chair. You cautiously leaned against the table behind you, looking at a boy close to tears. 

“What are you sorry for?” 

“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I’m sorry for being late to our meeting, and I’m sorry for showing up drunk.” 

“Tell me why.” 

“I’m sorry?” He asked. 

“Tell me why you’re late and why you’re drunk and I’ll consider helping you.” He looked at the ground again. 

“Any chance I can get a shot first?” He jokingly said. 

“You are already pushing your luck, Holland, do you really want to make it worse?” 

“Fine, I’m sorry. I was late and drunk because I was embarrassed.” You raised your eyebrows. “To be honest, I knew who I was looking for yesterday. I hit on you to break the tension.” 

“Why were you embarrassed? And, wait, you knew who I was?” 

“I looked up your instagram before we met so I’d know who to look for, and I hit on you because I didn’t want you to help me.” 

“And why were you embarrassed?” He started playing with the cuff of his sleeve, still not looking at you. “Tom.” You said, getting him to finally look at you. 

“I was embarrassed because I’m flunking out of school and need a tutor, and my tutor asked me to meet in the most intense place on campus.”

“The hlab? Intense?”

“Y/N, you need to be, like, a genius to even be considered for this program. And here I am, a theater major who can’t even pass a class about the stars.” 

“Astronomy is about a lot more than stars, if you bothered to open your textbook, you’d know that.” He stared at you, and you noticed tears coming to his eyes. 

“I can’t be tutored. I can’t. I’ll figure something else out.” He hastily grabbed his backpack and prepared to walk out the door, but you grabbed his backpack, turning him around. 

“Stop. Open your backpack.” He looked at you, confused, but obliged, holding the backpack open in front of you. You looked through it, noticing five notebooks, and a folder. You pulled it out, riffled through, and saw a schedule along with five syllabi. You nodded and looked back at him. 

“The list?” You asked. He pulled a folded piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to you. It had the list of assignments you asked for. You nodded again. 

“You need to be making a list like this every friday for the upcoming week, got it?” He nodded and then zipped his backpack, turning back to the door. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” You asked, your arms folded. 

“Home?” He asked. 

“Nope. Sit.” 

“You mean…?” “You were disrespectful. I will not forgive you for that, but as your tutor, it’s my job to help you, no matter how stupid you act. And to be clear, I was not calling your intelligence stupid. I was referring to the fact that you already broke a rule, and of course, the unspoken rule of not showing up to sessions drunk.” He slid into the seat across from you and pulled out notebooks and pencils as you analyzed the list. 

“Have you done any readings this week?” He shook his head. “When you’re in class, do you feel like the teacher is speaking another language and all the other students understand it but you?” “Yeah, how-”

“Look, Tom, I’m gonna share with you the biggest college hack there is. All lectures are is the professor talking about the reading and helping you to understand the material. You cannot possibly understand the lecture without doing the readings. Once you start reading, the lectures will make sense, even if you don’t understand the readings the first time you read them. Make sense?”

“Well, you said read a lot…” You raised your eyebrows. “No, no, that makes sense.”

“When you go to class this week, you need to be taking notes by hand. Statistically you’re much more likely to absorb the material that way, especially without the added distraction that is the internet.” He nodded. 

“Last but certainly not least, we cannot start our work until you’ve done the readings. So I will see you Friday evening for a session, we’ll review the material of that week making sure you understand it, you’ll complete your homework on Saturday, and we’ll meet again Sunday night to review the homework before you hand it in. If need be, we can meet for a weekday session.” 

He raised his eyebrows. 

“Don’t question my methods. You are one more C- away from being kicked out of college. You like it here? Don’t wanna go back to the freezing rain in London? You’ll listen to me.” You packed your bag and Tom started to follow suit. 

“Nope.” You said, placing a hand on the notebook he was about to put in his bag. “You’ll stay here and do your readings for the rest of the week. No matter how long it takes.” “But this is-” “Hlab? I’m aware, but I guess you haven’t noticed that literally no one is here. No one is going to be mad that you’re here. Just sit and read.” 

“Y/N?” He called as you walked towards the door. “I’m really sorry.” 

“I don’t like apologies, Tom. Stop apologizing, stop being embarrassed, and do better.” 

You returned to your room, lying on your bed and opening back up your textbook, but not before texting your friends. 

♡girly girls♡

You

just got back

Iz

howd it go???

You 

he showed up 45 minutes late, drunk 

Al

so where are we meeting to bury his dead body?

You

very funny, Al

Al

i wasnt joking. 

Em

wait he was drunk? on a monday? typical 

Iz

so i guess you wont be seeing him again? 

You were conflicted. You shared everything in your friends, but Tom was vulnerable with you and you didn’t want to betray his trust. 

You 

look we talked about it and he explained himself. im giving him one more chance.

Iz

seriously? im shook

You

whatever he made a good case

Em

i think you just wanna sleep with him

You

i dont i promise you thats the last thing i wanna do

Al

ive got 10 bucks they hook up before march 1st. anyone wanna take the over? 

Iz

ill take that action, Y/N is stubborn as hell

You

you guys are the absolute worst. see you for lunch xox

It wasn’t long before you dozed off. Your alarm woke you up the next morning, your textbook still lying across your chest. You already had a few texts from your friends. 

♡girly girls♡

Em

al i just saw that cute girl with the purple hair u like

Al

shut up em i dont like her

Iz

is she the one whose asm for romeo and juliet???

Em 

thats the one! 

Al

guys ! leave it, ok? shes straight

You

with that hair? i doubt it

You checked the rest of your messages, surprised to see a blue bubble next to Tom’s name. 

Tom Holland

hey sorry but i dont think this is gonna work, sorry for waisting your time, ill tell gronsky to find me another tutor

You were shocked, quickly sending a text message to your group chat. 

Em

i thought you said everything was gucci ?

You

i thought it was….

Iz

pls text him back 

You rolled your eyes, realizing Isabelle was right. 

You

Stop being ridiculous. you misspelled “wasting”. dont forget handwritten notes in class today. ill see you friday.

He responded almost immediately. 

Tom Holland

I wasnt dicking around. rlly. this isnt gonna work. i already emailed gronk.

You sent an updated screenshot to your group chat, rolling your eyes, right as an email alert popped up to the top of your screen. 

TO: y/email@school.edu

FROM: gronsky@school.edu

SUBJECT: Thomas tutoring

Hi kiddo,

Not sure if this is a mistake but Thomas just emailed me saying you would no longer be tutoring him? I thought you would be a good match for him… Take the rest of the week, talk to him, if he still doesn’t want you as his tutor let me know by Friday so I can try to find someone new to tutor him. 

I know he can be challenging, but I’m sure you realize that’s exactly why I picked you. ;) (and also because no one else agreed to work with him)

G

You sighed. Of course. Typical G, giving you all the basket cases and expecting you to fix them. It was true, you never backed down from a challenge, but this one may not be for you. 

You looked at your phone and pulled out Tom’s schedule from your backpack. He was finished with statistics in a half hour, just enough time for you to get ready and go to the math and science building. 

You made it there with just a few minutes to spare. You stood outside the room, back against the wall, popping your bubble gum and waiting. The class let out, mostly sophomores giddily running off to lunch, obviously relieved to be done with class. 

Tom was one of the last ones to leave the classroom, and as soon as he saw you he rolled his eyes. 

“Hi Max,” you greeted Max who was walking next to him. 

“Y/N,” he said with a smile. 

“Are you TAing?” You asked, still completely ignoring Tom who was fidgeting in front of you.

“You know it.” 

“Mind if I steal Tom?” 

“No problem, see you at home dude,” he said and they did a stupid handshake. 

“Walk me to lunch.” You said and started to walk towards the door. “That wasn’t a question, Thomas.” You said when you saw that he wasn’t following you. He quickly caught up to you, but not before you overheard a groan. 

“Has anyone ever told you you are incredibly difficult?” He asked. You laughed, which surprised him. 

“That really doesn’t bother me.” 

“You can’t boss me around anymore, you’re not my tutor.” 

“See that’s where you’re wrong. I am your tutor, therefore I can boss you around.” 

“I fired you.” 

“Good thing I don’t work for you, then.” He sighed. 

“Y/N.” He said and stopped in the middle of the walkway. 

“Thomas.” You said in the same tone. 

“Why are you doing this?” 

“A little bird who may or may not be Gronk told me that no one else would tutor you. So I am very sorry Mr. frat boy, but it looks like you’re stuck with me.” You turned and continued walking. 

“Seriously?” He said as he fell into step with you again. “Pity?” 

“Stop being difficult.” You said, smiling as you used his words against him. 

“Whatever. I’ll give you a week before you give up.” You laughed. 

“I don’t quit, Holland. I’m incredibly competitive and you will not win this fight.” He looked unhappy, but held the door to the dining hall for you. 

You approached your usual table, Tom following close behind. You turned to him before taking your usual seat. 

“I know you didn’t finish your readings last night. Go find a place to finish them. Take good notes. I’ll see you Friday at 4, if you’re late, there’s gonna be a problem.” He simply nodded and walked away, greeting some friends he knew in the cafeteria. 

You turned to your friends, all of whom were suspiciously quiet. 

“So…” Isabelle said, finally breaking the tension. “I guess you’re still tutoring him?”