#i did way too fucking much for this chapter and im making it everyone elses problem

[ghouldtime]

*slides into the DMS*

S O. What does social anxiety for König look like through your fantastic characterization then? 👀

(Love your Alone operator series btw. Got me on the edge of my seat with each chapter!!)

(Thank you!! 💚💚💚 I'm so glad you're enjoying :D you all have been so so sweet with it and Im over the MOON so many people have liked it)

To answer this question I'm going to have to be a biiig yapper and explain why I think of him the way I do

Going to say this to start, but I'm going with the true fact that König is indeed diagnosed with social anxiety - anything else I'm saying is based off of my personal interpretation of how he acts in game as a disclaimer

I'm also going to state that personally, the König I write is in his lower to mid 40's. Sorry not sorry, I don't see him as a young dude. Especially not when it's pretty much agreed upon that he's a colonel. So he's had a SIGNIFICANT amount of life experience, and a significant amount of time to work on himself and have introspection.

To me, it makes the most sense that he was diagnosed with social anxiety earlier on in his childhood since it was significantly more obvious when he was younger. Something that severe wasn't unnoticed by those around him because some of them did care about him. It's also stated he's suffered from severe social anxiety throughout his life so that's how I took it.

I personally go with he grew up in a more rural town in his homeland of Austria, which meant there weren't exactly others around during the first few years. "Go play with the neighbors kids" didn't really work when there weren't neighbors around. It was mainly him and his parents and an occasional relative over.

What could be brushed off as initial shyness clearly couldn't be anymore when he finally was enrolled in school.

Even on the first day when it's "introduce yourself to everyone", he fucked that up so monumentally it'll be engraved forever in his hall of shameful memories that he thinks about late at night. School was an utter nightmare, quite frankly, from moment one. The whole situation was too much, too stressful, and too different from the life he had at home. He flat out refused to get up and present in front of the class and wouldn't talk in group projects just for the fear of embarrassing himself. At that time, he was hitting all the indicators for social anxiety like they're the targets he shoots at today.

He missed out on a lot of interaction with other kids initially because of how awkward he was - and having any form of anxiety never helps in social situations. Talking to others wasn't something that came naturally and his own panic amplified it tenfold. Most times, he'd either pretend he didn't hear them, avoid them, or stray as far to the edge of the group as possible to avoid it. Unfortunately this made him an easy target because kids are RUTHLESS and turned him into even more outcast as well which only worsened it.

School always sucked for him due to that, despite the fact that he was a smart kid. No amount of smarts could save you from social persecution when you had nearly no social skills to boot. [ side note but I'm dying on the hill that he's incredibly intelligent and has a bachelors degree (at the very least)].

His parents kept him in therapy to help him manage because without it, he'd be back at square one refusing to go to school and faking a cold just to get out of it. And of course, therapy is a very important tool when it comes to healing, coping, and managing severe mental disorders. The whole reason why he doesn't show such bad anxiety anymore is because he kept the skills he learned and applies them so much that it becomes his second nature.

He's had at least 35 years of this, he's good enough to mask and to keep up his facade.

Another part of why he doesn't show it nearly as much is because he joined the military and was thrown through the wringer with it. Being bullied for so long was a major motivator for joining in the first place, as he needed something to get away from the peers who tormented him so and he needed a new life where he wasn't known as target #1. But he ALSO wanted to gain actual confidence and more certainty in himself.

Joining the military really means you're not left with such things as many choices when it comes to anxiety in social situations. You're forced into quarters with others, have to work side-by-side, do nearly everything together, so on and so forth. He knew that going in but at that point for him it was like extreme exposure therapy, the last step he needed to really put everything he learned in therapy to work.

That doesn't mean he didn't suffer or loved it. No, it was terrible, intense, and nerve-wracking. But he wouldn't have done it otherwise if he didn't want that. Being in the military didn't give him the leeway to avoid what made him anxious, it taught him to face it head on and fight.

Now that he's up there in age and has considerable more experience (and leeway with having a higher rank), the ways he expresses it [look at me finally answering the question] are more subtle.

On the field, you're likely not going to notice it. Because that's him turning the little auto pilot switch in his mind to on when he has a job. The job is his focus and everything has been so engrained in his mind that it's muscle memory. He's, quite frankly, focused on not dying and getting any job done over himself. The joking you often hear him do and taunting alike is part of how he's expressing the confidence he feels when he's in his element, when he KNOWS what he is doing.

If you look closely or approach him off the field, however, it's another story. He usually tenses or straightens himself out when people approach and will hold that until they leave (unless they're someone who he truly knows). Many assume that's a taught habit of the military, but that's only half-true. He did that before then.

Unlike when he's working, he doesn't have a guide or things he knows he has to do in a specific order to best ensure survival - no matter how much talking to other people feels like the heat of the battle, you can't (legally) solve it with a gun or throw a frag and book it out of there. There's no true guide to social interactions and that stresses him out. There's no manual, no field guide, no ten step card on how to successfully navigate them.

He knows things that are normal to say, he knows sometimes what he should say - it's just a matter of finding the phrasing and how to say them. Yet it seems like whenever someone doesn't follow his pre-programmed line of thought when it comes to their talking, his mind can shut down and go blank as he stares, trying to figure out where to go or what to say (spoiler: it usually doesn't end well).

He's usually awkward to talk to because he's running over everything in his head as he tries to think of what best to say to avoid further interactions or ones that could be more targeting to him. And, as mentioned, he lacks the average set of social skills that plenty learn in childhood because he didn't have that proper socialization. He's also still not the best at talking itself and can be blunt and to-the-point, which also doesn't usually go down well.

Not to mention, he's bad at small talk and has a terrible, sarcastic sense of humor that many can't read and it quickly turns things uncomfortable very fast because everyone takes him seriously. It never helps he usually doesn't explain himself all too well, usually leaving it as is as he secretly wishes he didn't talk at all when mortification sets in. Hurrying away with an excuse of some paperwork or something else to busy himself is his go-to after those.

When possible, he'll avoid small-talk and greatly prefers gestures instead. Someone who can appreciate his greater need for silence and a lack of talking is someone who he will greatly appreciate in turn. He's a firm believer that not all silences are uncomfortable and sometimes, it IS best not to say anything at all.

Due to his childhood too, he's not really fond of being around many people and will do his best to avoid it. Unless he has to grin and bare it, he won't. He finds his mind calmest when he can just be himself without having to worry about saying the right things to appease others or to be friendly. That way he can focus on what he wants, think how he wants, and feels how he wants without second guessing himself or having to worry about existing.

He's going to avoid most public settings when possible. Though he can now suitably manage his anxiety, they're something he passes up on. Grocery store trips are something he does maybe once a week or two, if that - stock piling so he has to go to the store less is his usual strategy. Anything he can do himself, he WILL do himself, if he doesn't have a trusted person who can do it better or can help.

Notably, he also doesn't have many friends. He's like talking to a brick wall and unless you're considerably persistent and understanding of his need for space, you won't get far. A lot of people don't have the time nor patience for it, but if you do get close to him, he does come out of his shell. He appreciates anyone who cares enough to actually get close to him and get to know him despite how awkward he can be, and will be loyal to the end because of that.

Another side effect is that he doesn't sleep well. Between the massive amounts of trauma from his job and the trauma from his childhood, he doesn't sleep well as is. But the social anxiety aspect comes into play because many nights, his mind is rerunning all the interactions he's had as he chronically overthinks them. He always wonders what he could've done, how he could've improved, and what they're thinking of him (even if they're someone he may never run into again). Its very hard for him to shut his mind off and doing such usually requires him drowning everything else and making himself not think about that, or anything, any more.

[Another side note: He's an avid reader. Reading gives him new things to think about and can help put him to sleep, especially before bed. It's a good way for him to stop thinking about whatever was nagging him and shifts his mind into thinking about other things he enjoys instead)

Basically, IN SHORT this isn't my full in-depth detailed characterization of exactly who I think he is - the reason he's not presenting it as an anxious ball of pure energy who is so uwu shy and soft is because he is incredibly well-managed with his severe social anxiety at his age and that's uh, just not him. Social anxiety doesn't mean he's a blubbering mess or will cry at the slightest inconvenience and reducing him to that or treating anyone with social anxiety like they're a child because of it does not help at alllll.

He's had extensive therapy for this, he's got his methods, he can mask very well. He's a WHOLE GROWN MAN who is responsible for not only his actions but how he manages his emotions and he knows it. But if you know him and know what to look for, you'll be able to pick it up.

(Also the sheer amount of scenarios I've seen where people think he just would... cry if you took his mask off??? Him???? HIM???? König, "I can make you talk, where are they?" the skilled PMC operator? That one? That guy? Yeah no, anyone dumb enough to do that better have signed their will prior or hopefully has an intensive love for scrubbing all the floors with a single old toothbrush. He won't tolerate people harassing or hustling him or pressing on his nerves. Sure, it reminds him of his childhood bullies, but quite frankly that behavior as grown adults trying that is RIDICULOUS, it pisses him off and immediately lowers his opinion on them.)

To whoever made it this far, I hope this made sense, I took melatonin before I got the ask so I'm in another realm right now LMAO. König is one of my favorites and was the first character I realllly really loved and I just hate seeing him done so dirty. Especially as someone with severe social anxiety myself, it irritates me when it's portrayed just so... wrong and quite frankly, in a lazy, offensive manner lacking any nuance especially in relation to the character who has it. Like just making him stutter and cry isn't all social anxiety is and there's SO much depth and things to work with despite the... actual substance as far as his bio goes

[nocaptainonthisship]

Melian: Safety Zone setlist; 5/27/2023

Read chapter 4 here.

Hi friends!

If you clicked through, you know why you're here.

Every song Melian sings in chapter 4 has a real-world counterpart. Some of those songs are a perfect fit. Some of them have the right lyrics and not the wrong vibe. Some of them have lyrics that almost work and the perfect vibe. One of them has both.

This song isn't actually named in the text, just referenced as "the first song." But it's a banger, and it helps set a specific tone for the night. Before, that is, Melian sees Halbrand and things go sideways.

"The Wilds"

In an earlier draft of the chapter, I wrote, "If Girlfriend didn't already have you on your feet, The Wilds will." There is also a "Hey, hey" in the chorus that I like to think Melian delivered looking directly at Hal when she saw him I'm the audience.

"Gwenniel"

Gwenniel is one of Tolkien's early names for Melian. And rhythmically, it fits perfectly here.

This is one where the lyrics don't quite fit, but the feeling is exactly what I needed. Elwe might not like this song, but it's a personal favorite for me.

"Awakening"

Can you do Haladriel without Florence and the Machine? This one doesn't need much explanation, I think.

"Dream When You Wake"

Ugh John Mayer. This was originally a very different song that slowed the momentum of the show too much so I had to drop it. I started searching for breakup songs from 2006-08 and this just. Works.

"The Battle of A Thousand Caves"

There is no world in which I made it through this fic without promoting Fleetwood Mac somewhere. It just wasn't going to happen. Listening to the live version of rhiannon is a life changing experience. If you skip every other song here, listen to this one.

In the fic, Elwe is credited with calling the song an exorcism. That is actually something Mick Fleetwood said about Stevie Nick's performance of it.

"Anglachel"

This might be my favorite moment. You think there's going to be a moment of rest, and then she opens her mouth and just wails. Incredible. I listen to this one and have visions of Melian looking down at Galadriel to ask, "Why did love put a knife in my heart?"

"The Walls of Night"

"A cavernous expanse of a song waiting to be filled with our baggage." The lyrics aren't quite right, but God is the vibe perfection.

"Almaren"

I think this might be the first song I added to this playlist with any really intent. I searched for this one.

Actually, I searched for a cover with a female vocalist, and this version is just haunting.

"The Light At the End"

Let's talk about Passenger. I have seen him live.... a couple times lol. For years now, this is the last song he plays before the encore. The crowd sings along to the vocalization, and they keep singing until he comes back out. Haunting. Powerful. Perfect setup for what comes next.

From a haladriel perspective, I loved ending the initial set by playing with darkness and light.

(Tumblr is cutting me off, so the encore gets a reblog, I guess.)

[hwaslayer]

love you in slow motion (psh) | five.

♡ spotify playlist | series masterlist ♡

—summary: seonghwa will go through hell and back for you, as long as he can continue to see that smile on your face. because to him, that smile feels like a rainbow after the rain, thewarmth of the sun on a winter day. because to him, you’re more than just his bestfriend—you’re love. even though everyone seems to see that except you.

—pairing: park seonghwa x f!reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) bestfriends to lovers | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 9k

—chapter warning: cussing/mature language, implied sexual content, lots of overthinking, crying, mentions of death and death anniversary, friends & family being like ?? 😭, flashbacks, mentions of alcohol consumption, unprotected sex — sorry if i missed anything & if it’s all over the place! i tried to edit as much as i can while im away!! but enjoy & ty for being patient with me 🫶🏼 if you need something different, here is part one of yeosang’s fic!

Seonghwa doesn't remember when exactly he fell in love with you.

It might've been when you watched all of his football games growing up.

It might've been when you beat up that one kid because he wouldn't stop bothering Hwa for the answers to the homework and called him out of his name unnecessarily.

It might've been when you'd come to his house and sneak through the back door just so you could lie down on his bedroom floor and listen to new music together until you fell asleep.

It might've been when you first got your license and drove him to the hospital and stayed by his side when his fever didn't go down.

It might've been the trip to Hanoi with his family.

Or, it might've been when you sat with him during his first day in 3rd grade at your school, even though he was a child and didn't really know what love meant. He was surrounded by it, and so he was familiar with it. You gave him the same vibes. It must've been, right?

Of course, he had been in relationships. Those relationships did make him feel like maybe, those feelings for you were a fleeting moment; something that would pass, especially since things hadn't changed between you two. He wasn't gonna force it. He might've believed at some point that it was probably all a lie, that he wasn't meant to be with you in the end.

An idea that was way too good to be true.

But, then those relationships would end and he'd be back to square one. And he'd sit there and reflect on everything, revisiting the idea if he was saved for someone else [you]. Truth be told, he did love his exes. They'll always have a special place in his heart. But along their journey, he always felt like this wasn't his end goal— that this instead was the fleeting moment, that particular something that would pass.

In the end, it was always gonna be you.

"So, what happened with Makayla?" Wooyoung asks as he cleans his table and starts unpacking some new supplies that had just been delivered.

"Nothing." Seonghwa shrugs. "Y/N came that morning, ran off, then Makayla kinda knew. I feel so fucked up about it cause she's so nice and understanding."

♡ FLASHBACK

Seonghwa smiles when Makayla steps into his car, her sweet perfume immediately filling the air. Earlier in the week, he had asked Makayla if she wanted to go to a casual dinner and she instantly replied saying she'd love to. It put a smile on Seonghwa's face, which felt nice after the gloomy and upsetting days he'd been having.

He takes her to a casual ramen restaurant in town; it's small, cozy and intimate. They sit at the bar next to each other, taking the time to get to know each other over some hot, comforting bowls of ramen. He finds that Makayla enjoys a lot of similar things; she's outgoing, likes to go on adventures and explore new places, try new foods, would always be down to try something thrilling like skydiving or zip-lining in a tropical place.

Shit like that.

Seonghwa isn't as adventurous but he'd be down, and he likes that about her. On top of that, she's really sweet and laid back. Seonghwa doesn't feel like he has to try and paint this certain image to impress her. He doesn't; he can be himself for the most part, despite the fact that he's still having to try and keep it cool since it's the first time they're hanging out. Even when they finish their ramen, they sit there for another 30 minutes or so just chatting it up— learning more about likes and dislikes, past relationships, you, even.

"Yeah, so there's me, San, Wooyoung, Hongjoong and Y/N. I met San, Wooyoung and Hongjoong in college, and Y/N—" He pauses a bit as he twirls the straw in his cup. "She's been my bestfriend since the third grade."

"That's sweet. So, you guys are all close and everything? Y/N probably knows you the best, hm?" Makayla chuckles.

"Yeah, she does. I guess. We've been through a lot together." Seonghwa looks at her and nods. Makayla isn't one to press more, but she can tell there's a little more to you and what you mean to Seonghwa. Of course, he's not gonna divulge now. Makayla doesn't expect him to. But there's a pause, a silence that falls between them that says there's more to it than he's letting up.

She'll let it be, though. She can tell you are special to Seonghwa.

"That's nice, though. To have someone by your side after all these years. You two are still going strong. I feel like a lot of friendships crumble, or people just get distant because we grow and become different people over time."

"Mmyeah. I think we are. We're just.." Seonghwa shakes her head. "Yeah, nevermind. We're just in our fighting phase but it's not anything we haven't experienced before." He lies to skip out on details. He's torn between telling Makayla the messy ass truth or keeping it on the low— cause honestly, this was a harmless dinner. Seonghwa didn't expect anything out of this.

Maybe he should've just been honest from the beginning but his head is fucking everywhere right now, and he doesn't wanna think about it.

"I see. I hope things get better."

"Yeah, same." Seonghwa lets out a pathetic chuckle before sipping the last bit of his water and standing. "Anyway, ready to get out of here?"

"Sure. Thanks for dinner." He smiles and takes her hand to lead her out of the restaurant.

"Course. Thanks for joining me." It's a bit of a chilly night tonight, Seonghwa and Makayla can see their breath in the air as they walk back to the car together. Seonghwa truthfully is having a good time with her and he doesn't necessarily wanna part ways so soon. He might take this as a distraction, he might use this as a way to get even closer and have something to build off of— he couldn't really tell you what exactly goes through his head at this next moment. He can't lie that it is a good distraction from the bullshit he's been dealing with, and although he doesn't mean to compare Makayla to you, he can't help but say she's been making him feel way better about himself than you lately.

He hates that it even has to come down to this because at the end of the day, life clearly still revolves around you.

Seonghwa tugs the passenger door open and lets her get settled before he hops into the driver's seat. He tugs on his jacket a bit before starting the car and turning up the heat, pulling out his phone to quickly see if there's any notifications he needs to tend to from the boys [you].

"Any plans for the rest of the night?" She shakes her head.

"Nope, none at all. What about you?"

"None. Should we find something else to do then?"

"I'm down!"

"Anything specific come to mind or.. we can hang out at my spot, if you want? No pressure. I can take you home, too. It's whatever you wanna do." Seonghwa looks at her from the driver's seat.

"No, we can go to your place. I'm fine with that."

"You sure?"

"Mhm." She smiles, giving Seonghwa the green light to start up the car and drive back to his apartment.

When they get back to his place, he grabs a bottle of wine and little snacks before popping on a thriller movie she suggests. He plans to keep it chill for the evening. He doesn't plan for anything specific to happen, he doesn't plan for the night to go a certain way. He lets it be; even when Makayla scoots next to him and cuddles up under his arm. Even when his fingers seem to be tracing circles on her arm, even when he suddenly feels the urge to kiss her.

To feel something.

And so one kiss eventually turns into another, and another deep kiss. Then, it eventually turns into Seonghwa tearing off her clothes and vice versa as they rush to his room and get in his sheets. He quickly rolls on a condom and gets her laid out underneath him. He enjoys this, yes— he's not gonna lie. He's a man and he's got needs, that's why he's indulging in every second of this. He fucks her good, deep into the mattress. Makayla's moaning his name and digging her nails deep into his shoulders, whining right into his ear and begging for more of him.

It's an ego boost, and it's making him feel ten times better about himself.

He makes her cum twice that night, from missionary and from behind. He hopes his neighbors don't complain about the noise— headboard lowkey banging into the wall with his name being called out like a mantra.

He has a good fucking time, though. He doesn't kick her out. He lets her stay the night, handing her a shirt to sleep in to feel more comfortable. He holds her and falls asleep quickly, the morning coming not too long after they had fallen asleep together.

Seonghwa planned to sleep in a 'lil bit that morning since he wasn't needed at work until 10am. In his head, he had planned to wake up at his own liking, prep a small breakfast for him and Makayla before offering to take her home on the way to work.

But, his plan is completely ruined when he hears a loud knock on the front door that also startles Makayla awake.

"Are you expecting someone?" Seonghwa's brow turns up as he ponders for a bit. He isn't expecting any packages and he doesn't remember putting in any maintenance requests. So.. no?

"No." He gets up, but Makayla does too and he feels a bit bad her sleep was ruined. "You don't have to get up, you can stay in bed if you'd like."

"No, it's okay. I should probably get up and get ready." He gives her a small smile before walking out, throwing on a white tank top to cover his indecency and tidying up a bit for whoever the hell is on the other side of the door. Who he expected, he wasn't sure. But he sure as hell wasn't expecting it to be you on the other side this early in the morning.

He swings the door open and he's not sure what to say or do, and it doesn't help that Makayla is brushing past behind him in his shirt to gather some of her things.

"Oh." Is all you say, and Seonghwa feels his heart break to a million pieces when he sees the look on your face. You're trying your hardest not to show how much it hurts you, but he knows you. He knows you well, that's for damn sure.

"Y/N—"

"It's good, I didn't meant to interrupt, I'm sorry— I'll catch you later."

♡ END

"I mean, it's not like you were expecting Y/N to come on that morning. Plus, you didn't necessarily lie or do anything behind anyone's back. You tried." Wooyoung feels a little silly knowing he knew about your plan, but he definitely didn't know Makayla spent the night until now. He took a 'harmless dinner' for what it really was; not Seonghwa taking her back home for good times and good vibes in the sheets. Or else, he probably would've prevented you from going on that morning and lied about Hwa's shift time to keep everything as smooth as possible. But, it doesn't make any sense when Wooyoung really thinks about it. Because even if he did tell you Hwa had an early shift and that it'd be better to see him later, would that help fix anything? Which exactly is the lesser evil?

For Wooyoung, he thinks it just had to unfold the way it did, unfortunately.

"Mm. Yeah." Is all Seonghwa says before finishing up wrapping some KT tape on his client. "Makayla was cool, though."

"Took her out and took her home, ey." His client chimes in, making Seonghwa shake his head.

"Thought I'd move on." Seonghwa shrugs.

"Clearly not." Wooyoung snorts, tossing in some fun to brighten the mood. "No, but, honestly. I think it had to happen this way? Instead of it getting too deep with Makayla and Y/N comes back around? Less mess."

"Less mess is always nice." His client chimes in again. "So, what are you gonna do? Does Tyson know about the whole thing with his cousin?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. He hasn't mentioned anything. If he asked, I'd be honest about it." Seonghwa shrugs. He wasn't entirely hiding anything and he likes to think he tried to go about this as normally as possible. It wasn't like he was out to intentionally hurt Makayla. He could never. He just didn't expect things to play out the way that it did, and he could never lie either.

"Well. What're you gonna do now?"

"Somehow talk to Y/N."

"You haven't heard from her since then, huh? Well, I guess since the club." Wooyoung corrects himself.

"Nope. I have not." Seonghwa's bottom lip pokes out into a pout before patting his client on the shoulder to signal that he was finished with the KT tape.

"Damn, Hwa." Is all his client says before walking out of the room, making both Seonghwa and Wooyoung chuckle.

"I really wanted her to take the lead on this one."

"Technically, she did. It just happened to be at the wrong time." Wooyoung shrugs. "Give her a little bit of time before you reach out again. She probably feels really defeated after that. And don't get me wrong, I love you both and the situation is unfair for both ends. But I think right now you two just need the space."

"Yeah. I'm not gonna force anything right now. I just hope she's able to talk to me before jumping to more conclusions."

"Mhm."

"Have you been able to talk to her recently?" Seonghwa fully turns to Wooyoung.

"Yeah, but she's not really saying anything about it. I think Sannie—"

"Sannie.. what?"

"She called Sannie after the whole thing and cried to him about it."

"Oh." His heart breaks hearing that you've cried over him yet again. Maybe Wooyoung was right— maybe you both needed this space after all.

♡ FLASHBACK

"San? Sannie?" You repeatedly call his name over the phone and San is confused. He has just woken up, but he's immediately alert when he hears you crying, your voice trembling on the other line.

"Hey Y/N?" He says in a questioning tone as he sits up in bed and rubs at his eyes. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"I'm so fucking stupid." You quickly start your car and reverse out of the spot to drive off.

"Don't say that, what's going on? Talk to me."

"I just tried to talk to Seonghwa about everything. I was gonna tell him everything, I was gonna be honest. Sannie, I was gonna be honest—"

"Slow down, where are you?"

"I'm going home." You cry and San starts to get up and get ready.

"I'll meet you there and we can talk more, okay? Just please get home safely and I'll be there." You nod even though San can't see you, trying as best as possible to race home in a safe manner. All you wanna do is crawl into bed and cry everything out so you can put on a brave face for work later.

When you get home, you immediately toss your pajamas back on and curl up on the couch. You put on a random movie for background noise, picking up your phone to see the missed calls and texts from Seonghwa.

[seonghwa]: y/n where are you?

[seonghwa]: can we talk, please?

[seonghwa]: just text me back or call me.

[seonghwa]: y/n please talk to me.

You let out a sigh and set the phone aside, not knowing how to respond to him right now. Your thoughts are all over the place, and you're regretting everything that's happened between you and Seonghwa recently. You were too late and this was the price of your actions, reactions, everything.

This is exactly what you were afraid of— losing Seonghwa, even as your bestfriend, for good. Because now, things seem irreparable. Your relationship won't feel the same and it's truly awful.

"It's me, San." You suddenly hear at the door before he lightly jiggles the doorknob. "I'm coming in, okay?" You don't say anything and he proceeds, eyes instantly landing on your form on the couch. "What happened?" San positions himself on the middle of the couch, looking down at you with sympathy. He really does hate seeing you cry— he's hated it since he's known you and grown close to you.

"It's too late. I'm too late. I'm so stupid." You cry, explaining to San about how you finally gained the courage to talk to Seonghwa. You tell San you woke up early and tried to put yourself in a good mindset in order to work through things properly. You tell him about how you got yourself there, ran up the steps and knocked on his door without turning back. You explain the look on Hwa's face, you explain how surprised he was to see you.

You explain how you ran off when you saw her in his shirt.

You explain how your heart dropped, you explain how awful the feeling was hearing him call after you, seeing his texts and missed calls.

"But, he was calling after you. He wants to talk to you Y/N."

"No. I ruined it. He's probably just gonna explain how he needed to move on and tell me shit that's gonna hurt like hell."

"Why don't you hear him out, hm? It could be entirely different, and he might wanna work this out with you."

"We kissed at the club. So after all of this— the kiss, the argument after the fight with Mingi, today—I don't think Seonghwa and I will ever be the same again. I fucked it up." You ramble on and San's slightly having a hard time keeping up cause he's stuck on the fact that you just told him you and Hwa kissed. It's not like he's entirely surprised, it just makes sense as to why things feel too fucking complicated.

He sees why now. But truthfully, as both your friend and Seonghwa's, it's not his place to say anything. The best advice he has is to just let it play out how it should. You'll get your time to talk to Seonghwa. Whatever unfolds from there is what will unfold.

"Hey, don't say that. Please don't." San says softly. "I know everything feels messed up and all over the place right now, but I know Seonghwa wants to fix things just as badly as you do. You're his bestfriend before anything, he'll never let that happen."

"I don't know what to do."

"Why don't you give yourself more time and space? Talk to Seonghwa when you've had a chance to clear your head and gather your thoughts properly." He gently rubs at your back. "This is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. For you and him, maybe." You dig your head into the pillow and release a sigh, almost finding the need to scream at how frustrating everything is.

But, he's right.

Time.

♡ END

"Heard you two kissed at the club." Wooyoung teases Seonghwa, causing him to toss a roll of gauze at his head.

"Shut up."

"Ow, what? It's cute!" Seonghwa glares at him before letting out a sigh.

"It just seems like everything's against us right now." Seonghwa laughs a bit, but deep down, he isn't sure how he feels. He's sad. He's heartbroken. He's not sure if he wanted the kiss to happen purely because of what you two are now. Because even though he knows it's not the only problem, it is probably the biggest.

"Give it time, yeah? You two will talk it out when things settle and it'll get better no matter what that looks like. I know you mean a lot to Y/N, and she wouldn't just drop 16 years of friendship over a silly little squabble."

"Mm." Seonghwa hums.

"Have you talked to Makayla since then?"

"Yeah, and she still wants to be friends. There weren't any expectations so.." Seonghwa shrugs. "At least she doesn't fucking hate me even though I deserve it"

"Dude, again. You weren't intentionally trying to hurt her. It's just a complicated situation."

"Yeah. Anyway. You're coming to my dad's thing right?"

"Of course, the fuck?" Wooyoung laughs. "This weekend, right?"

"Yup."

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"I wonder if Y/N is still coming."

"She will." Wooyoung gives him a small smile. "I know she will."

The weekend comes quick and Seonghwa is hauling ass from the wee early morning hours to get ready for his dad's retirement party. He's helping fix up the house and the backyard before running to the store to grab more things his mom needs. Though he's not trippin' about being tasked with errands alone, he'd usually have you tag along for company and extra hands. He feels it a lot today, and it's killing him how he can't even do this with you.

He doesn't even know if you're coming, or if you remembered, even if Wooyoung reassured him.

"You're done?" Seonghwa's mom asks, peering over his shoulders as he hauls in grocery bags and a cake.

"Yeup. Why? Don't tell me you need more, ma. I told you—" She playfully pinches him on the arm and furrows his brows while he lets out a low 'ow.'

"Told me what, hm? That's all! I'm not adding to the list! Where's Y/N?"

"What do you even mean?" She crosses her arms.

"You normally do these things with her. Where is she? Is she okay?" He shrugs.

"Sorry, she's busy." She eyes him, taking note of the way he shrinks and avoids eye contact. "Where do you want me to put the groceries and cake? Fridge for now?"

"Mhm. Thank you."

"Where's dad?"

"Showering and getting ready for his special day."

"I probably should do that, too.”

"Y/N is coming, right?"

"Mom, yes." He says in a slightly exasperated tone because he doesn't know the real truth. He honestly just wants to stop talking about you for a second. Just one second. "I'm gonna get ready." He walks off to get ready, sorting through his duffle bag of clothes that he brought over.

His mom likes to tease him, even though deep down, she gets sad when you two fight. It's not even just the fact that you welcomed him so warmly when he was the new kid in town, it was the fact that she has never seen Seonghwa connect with someone so well. You've always pulled the best out of him, and you were always there to make him laugh, to make him happy. Despite all the troubles you've endured, you've always treated them with respect and you've always shown love even if your own life felt like it was lacking of such. This didn't feel like any other fight she's witnessed between you two— call it mother's instinct, but she knew there was way more to it than Seonghwa wants to let on. She just hopes that whatever it is, you two can pull through. She knows you both are stronger than that.

When Seonghwa gets showered and throws on some better clothes fit for the occasion, he helps his mom and dad get the house clean and tidy for the party. His dad had officially retired, and Seonghwa was happy he could finally rest. Enjoy the things he loved doing. Spend more time with his mom. He helps put up the decorations around the house, fixing up the backyard and getting the grill ready for the food. Wooyoung, Hongjoong and San are one of the first to arrive, along with his relatives. They immediately start drinking and enjoying themselves, playing music and grilling meat to start kicking things off as more people trickle in.

Wooyoung briefly offers to take over the grill while Seonghwa heads into the kitchen to pull out more of the fruits and non-alcoholic drinks for his cousins and relatives that don't drink. He's busy setting things aside when his mom's loud scream startles him, his eyes immediately diverting to the source near the front door.

"Y/N's here with Yaya, Soyeon and Charli!" Seonghwa's mom lets out an excited yell when she sees her favorites walk through the door, throwing her arms around you for a big hug. Seonghwa turns from the kitchen, watching as you greet his family members that immediately swarm you at the entry. You happily greet his dad near the living room, giving him a big hug and congratulations for his retirement. It's the first time he'd be speaking to you after everything, let alone seeing you. He tenses up a bit, but he doesn't ignore the excitement he feels seeing your face, your smile. You're in a white denim maxi skirt and a black off-the-shoulder top, and Seonghwa can't help but stare.

"Hey!" Soyeon playfully punches him on the bicep and pulls him out of his thoughts, with Chacha screaming at the top of her lungs right next to her mom. "Chacha, jeez." Yaya laughs when she hugs him first.

"She sure loves her Uncle Hwa."

"Uncle Hwa!" She continues to scream, making Seonghwa laugh and swoop her into his arms. He gives Soyeon a one-armed hug before placing a kiss on Charli's temple.

"Chacha!" He matches her excitement. "Missed you, pea." He turns to Soyeon. "Junseo's at the restaurant?" She nods.

"Yep! Holding it down like always." She laughs. "He wanted to be here, though." She turns to Charli. "Baby, let's go eat first? You can play with Uncle Hwa after." Charli whines but doesn't fight it, making Hwa promise time after time that he'll play with her after she finishes her food. He does, anyway. He'll do anything to keep that smile on her face.

At this time, you finally make your way to the kitchen and Seonghwa isn't sure how to act. You give him a tiny, toothless smile before throwing one arm around him, clearly avoiding eye contact as much as possible.

"Hey." Seonghwa says, hugging you back. "You drove with Soyeon and Yaya?"

"Mhm."

"Should've told me so I could've picked you guys up."

"It's okay, Hwa." You give him another reassuring smile before grabbing a cup to fill up with some of the fruit juice his mom made. "Is everyone else here?"

"Yeah. Outside in the backyard. Food is out there, too."

"Thanks." You say, sipping your cup before walking out to the backyard. Seonghwa lowly groans to himself when he realizes he's being dumb, maybe slightly afraid, to talk about everything that's been happening.

Maybe it isn't the right time, either. But, he hates being this way with you. It feels terrible, and he wants nothing more than to just be okay with you.

"Are you and Y/N okay?"

"Ma, we're fine. I promise."

"Park Seonghwa if I find out that you've done something to her—"

"I didn't do anything!" He almost squeaks when he responds. "What about me, mom? How about 'are you okay, Seonghwa?'"

"I ask you all the time and you always give me the same answer!" She responds in a higher tone, but Seonghwa knows she's teasing just to push his buttons. "You never want me in your business anyway!"

"Whatever." He sighs and shakes his head, walking out to the backyard to hang out with everyone. Everyone old enough to drink [and isn't driving] raises their cups high for a big toast before knocking some soju back. Seonghwa catches up by taking the shot Wooyoung hands him to the neck, making a face at the bitter brand of soju they've decided on.

You've parked yourself in between Hongjoong and San, with Yaya, Soyeon and Charli sitting nearby as they eat their food. You have a plate in hand while you laugh along with San, Hongjoong and Wooyoung poking fun and making faces at Charli nearby. Seonghwa plops onto the empty bench space next to San, sipping on his drink while watching his cousins play in front of everyone. San sees you shift in your position a bit, now paying more attention to Charli, Wooyoung and Hongjoong, while Seonghwa continues to quietly sip on his drink. San isn't gonna lie— he feels a bit awkward since the tension is coming from both ways. But, he brushes it off anyway; trying to keep everything as normal as possible to keep the party running on a smooth note.

"Uncle Hwa." Charli comes in front of him with a huge smile on her face.

"Yes?" He gives her the same smirk, setting his cup down onto the table. "Finished eating?"

"Ya. But, mommy says I can't play yet."

"30 minutes!" Soyeon yells from her seat.

"She's right. You need to let your food settle." He pokes at her tummy and pulls her onto his lap. "Here." He hands her his phone to play on.

"Uncle Hwa." She calls for him again as she watches him pull up her favorite game.

"Mhm?" She puts up her tiny hands near his ear to whisper something so incredibly confidential:

"Are you and Titi Y/N fighting?" He chuckles.

"A bit, but we'll be okay."

"Why?" She pouts at him.

"Just grown up things, Chacha. We'll be okay." He repeats.

"You promise?" She's still whispering and Seonghwa's heart melts when she puts up her pinky for a pinky-promise. "Titi Y/N loves you. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad." He wraps his pinky around hers. "Promise, okay? Here." He passes her his phone once the game loads.

"Uncle Hwa, I wanna play with your legos." She plays Mario Kart Tour furiously on his phone.

"Which one do you wanna play with?"

"Any." Seonghwa laughs and nods, carrying her as he stands to grab his legos from his stash in his old room.

"Let's go find one, hm?" You watch as Seonghwa carries Charli with ease into the house, remembering the night you two spent with Charli a few weeks ago. Feels pretty distant, and it hits you how sad your situation with Seonghwa is right now. You quickly shake off your thoughts and stand from your seat to throw your trash away and grab another drink, grabbing more trash from the group when they see you making your way inside. You toss the paper plates away, engaging in small talk with Seonghwa's cousins as they pass in and out of the house. You pour yourself another cup, getting slightly startled by Charli zooming out of the house screaming in pure happiness while holding one of Hwa's small lego sets.

"That girl talks in screams." You mutter to yourself. "Oh shit." You look at the small spill to the side of your cup, letting out a sigh when you reach over for a napkin—

"Here." Seonghwa cocks a brow up when he hands you a napkin. "Can always count on you to make a mess, I guess." You roll your eyes at his sarcasm and snatch the napkin out of his hand to wipe up the spill.

"Thanks." Seonghwa continues to stand there, awkwardly watching you clean up the spill. You turn to him once more, furrowing your brows in confusion. "What?"

"We're just not gonna talk about it?"

"We're not doing this right now." You look at him. "Not at your dad's retirement party."

"Then when, Y/N? You're just gonna leave everything like this?"

"I don't know, Seonghwa! I guess so, cause I'm definitely not doing this now." He lets out a hefty sigh before slowly nodding his head.

"Wow, so you're fine with—"

"Stop." Seonghwa licks his lips and purses them together before breaking eye contact first. It's the easiest comeback he has, and he's not sure why he feels so angry, so triggered, right now. It's probably because he wishes you had just talked to him before the party. It's probably because it's been too long and he's not even sure where this leaves you two anymore. It's probably because he misses you and wishes he could just hug you. Call you. Text you. Do everything that he used to. Regardless of the kiss.

"Alright." Seonghwa says, surrendering and waving the white flag. You catch the way his jaw slightly clenches when he tears his eyes away from you and breaks eye contact. It does break your heart, and you hate that this is what you two have become. But, you weren't gonna do this on his dad's special day. Not at his dad's party.

"Excuse me." You grab your cup and Seonghwa steps aside to let you walk out first. He follows suit, shutting the sliding door behind him. Your friends and Soyeon don't fail to catch how bothered you two look even though you try to keep it under wraps, continuing to keep distance even as the afternoon goes on.

While Charli continues to play with the lego set in between playing with Seonghwa's baby cousins, you, your friends, and Seonghwa's relatives engage in more drinking and karaoke. Seonghwa and his mom take a moment to say little speeches over the cake, congratulating his dad for his retirement and for reaching a milestone in his life. You go about the party as normal as possible, keeping the energy and the good vibes alive even though it truly feels the worst not being able to genuinely be happy around the people you love the most.

You knew it was time to talk to Seonghwa soon, and that he was waiting for you to do it. He had been waiting for you, and god knows how disappointed he must have been in you.

Everything just feels so fucked up, and you feel so torn about everything. You wish you could just run away and hide from it all, even though you equally wanted to fix this and figure out where you two lie in all of this.

What about Makayla?

Was he still seeing her like that?

That's probably the one thing you were most afraid of. Seonghwa was your bestfriend. Despite all of this, you should be happy with whatever he chooses. He deserves it. He didn't deserve what you gave him at the club or how you failed to be honest about your feelings. This was all because of you.

As the evening arrives, you and Soyeon plan to leave in the next half hour due to Charli getting restless. As you pack some food to go for the both of you, Seonghwa's mom rushes over to you and puts her hand on your back. She looks at you lovingly like she always has, a soft smile on her face.

"Come here really quickly.” Her hand laces with yours as she shows you to their room. "I was cleaning up the garage the other day and found these photos and videos." She hands you some old photos of you, your dad, and Seonghwa and his dad while out. You flip through them, feeling the tears welling up in your bottom lids.

You missed your dad so, so much.

There were even photos of you and Seonghwa on the playground, photos of you and Seonghwa laughing while on a family trip, photos of you and Seonghwa hanging out in each other's backyards. Photos of you, your dad, Seonghwa and Seonghwa's dad together.

"This, too." His mom slips an old VHS tape into the VCR and you giggle a bit at how long it's been since you've watched something on tape. A huge wave of nostalgia immediately rushes over you as you gently place the photos down and watch the video of you and your dad during the fourth grade trip to the local zoo.

"He truly adored you more than anything. You will always be his little girl." She says and you start crying. Seonghwa's mom leans her head on your shoulder, and you lean onto her; silently enjoying the footage together. All of this was perfect timing, and you knew Seonghwa's mom did it for a reason. Your dad's death anniversary would be coming later in the week and it was everything you needed to find some comfort.

"I miss him."

"I know he misses you, too."

"Thank you." You look at her and give her a toothless smile. "Can I take these pictures?"

"Of course! Want the tapes, too?"

"Is it okay if I keep it here? I don't have a VCR." She laughs a bit and nods.

"Yes, absolutely." She rubs your arm before pulling you into another hug. "I'm glad you came out today."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You and Seonghwa seem to be fighting." She makes a face that makes you laugh. "What happened? What did he do?"

"Nothing. It was me. We just got.. into a disagreement, I guess. It's my fault though, and I just haven't been able to talk to him to apologize."

"You two will be fine."

"I know." You give her another tiny, toothless smile. "I hope." The two of you sit together for a little longer, taking in the rest of the photos before you wrap it up and head back out to the party.

At this point, your friends are taking their leave, with Charli laying on Soyeon as her mom holds her. She hands you the bags of all the food you packed for yourself, Yaya and Soyeon, saying your goodbyes to everyone still around. You save Seonghwa for last, giving him a tiny smile as he pulls you into a full-armed hug. You embrace the hug, pressing your cheek against his chest before he pulls away and looks at you.

"Wait." He says, holding you by the shoulders. "Have you been crying?" He looks deeply into your eyes and takes note of your wet eyelashes. You brush it off and look away, shaking your head as a response.

"No, I haven't." You brush past him to finish saying bye to his parents before rushing out the door to your own family. Seonghwa furrows his brows and looks at his mom, realizing she also has wet lashes and just looked like she finished crying.

"Were you and Y/N crying together?"

"I showed her some photos and videos with her dad that I found in the garage." She shows him the date on her phone and it’s enough for Seonghwa to understand what it means.

"Oh. I see." Is all he says. "Was she okay?"

"I think so. She can always say she's okay even though deep down, she's not." She puts her hand on Seonghwa's arm. "I don't know if it'll ever get easier for her."

"Goodmorning Hwa! Have you heard from Y/N yet? I wanted to ask her something but she hadn't texted me back and her phone is off. I think I might know why, though." Seonghwa lets out a breath and licks his lips before responding.

"I see. I'll check." He says. "I got you."

"Thanks. If you do see her, tell her to call me later when she's up for it."

"I will." And with that, Seonghwa cuts the call. He looks at his watch before devouring the rest of his breakfast, grabbing his bag and heading out the door much earlier than expected. It's a crisp, cold day. Somewhat of a drastic change compared to the days they've been having. Seonghwa can see his breath in the air, and he's regretting the light windbreaker jacket he grabbed as he rushed out the door— hoping it'd get warmer.

But, it doesn't.

He has to be at work in a bit, and he's probably even gonna be late. He's just concerned about you, and even though things still feel weird, awkward— he knows he needs to be here for you. Especially during this time.

And Seonghwa's timing couldn't be any more perfect. Because although today isn't the exact day of your dad's death anniversary, it's in two days and you never know how to prepare. Lately, you've found yourself avoiding the exact day, visiting your dad’s grave a few days earlier to say some words, say your peace. Cry and reminisce. When the day comes, you try to keep yourself busy. You work and you work, and you spend time with Yaya, or Soyeon, or even Seonghwa's family because it's the love you need to surround yourself with. As much as you love them all dearly, they aren't your dad and it never gets easier. It's an unbearable pain you can't even describe. It doesn't go away. It just sits there, leaning onto your already-broken heart and weighing heavily on the surface.

You've been quietly sitting at your dad'd grave, fingers tracing over his picture. You smile whenever you see his bright smile, his eyes holding all the irreplaceable love in the world. You're not even sure how long it's been since you got here, maybe an hour or two. It's cold, but you don't want to leave. You want to spend as much time as you can being here even though it is hard.

You continue to cry and slowly fix the flowers around his grave and other offerings. You set one of the framed pictures of you, Seonghwa, and your dads onto his grave before crying, and crying some more. Suddenly, you feel someone drape a jacket over your shoulders, and with the circumstances, you would've been spooked if it were any other day. But, you feel at ease. You feel comforted. You feel completely fine because everything feels familiar. Your feelings are confirmed when Seonghwa wraps his arm around you and pulls you close.

"It's cold, how long have you been out here for?"

"Awhile."

"You should've called me." Is all he says before there's a brief silence that falls between you two.

"I always think it'll get easier." You mumble as you wipe away at your tears. "When a new year comes, I always feel like it'll be the year I'll finally be able to process this and say my peace to it." You start breaking down again and Seonghwa sits still, silently listening to you cry. "But, it never turns out that way. It just gets harder."

"It's an unbearable pain that doesn't go away. I'm sorry it had to be you, and I wish it didn't turn out this way. I wish it wasn't like this for you." Seonghwa says lowly as he continues to hug you and keep you close. "Your dad is always here, watching over you. And I know he'd be so proud of you for being so strong and overcoming all the adversity that came your way."

"I just miss him, Hwa. I really wish I could hug him again. I'll never forgive myself for taking advantage of all those chances and for being too comfortable."

"Y/N, this is the sort of tragedy that you can't control. It's awful, but you would have never known. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it. You did your best as his daughter, and I know he appreciated every moment until the end. I know he felt your love through everything." You cry onto his shoulder, letting everything that you still have left in you out. Seonghwa continues to hold you close, hand rubbing up and down your arm as his cheek rests on the top of your head.

"You really didn't have to come, pichu."

"And let you do this alone? I don't think so." You shift in your position to look at him. He gently takes a thumb underneath your eyes, wiping away at your tears.

"Can we talk? At my place?"

"Yeah. I'll come as soon as I'm done with work, okay?" You nod and Seonghwa gives you a tiny smile. The two of you sit in silence for a little longer before you're saying your goodbyes and heading your separate ways.

"By the way, Soyeon wanted to ask you something." He dips his head. "Call her when you get home." You nod again. "Drive safely for me." He taps your door frame before shutting it close and heading to his own car. You watch in your mirror, waiting for Seonghwa to step into his car before you drive off and head home.

Getting home, you immediately wash up, get into comfier clothes and call Soyeon to check in with her when you see her texts. You agree to picking up a few extra shifts throughout the week to cover for Jini finally taking some time off for personal reasons. You hang out on the couch, putting on a reality TV show you had already finished— you figured it'd be good for background noise. Filling up the emptiness of your space. You end up taking a long nap, waking up close to dinner by Yaya calling you into the house to share some food with her. It felt nice catching up on sleep, since you weren’t able to get much the night before. You spend most of your early evening with Yaya, helping her clean up around the kitchen before you retreat back to your place and pick up your phone when a text goes off.

[seonghwa]: need anything for dinner?

[you]: no i ate already, ty. just get yourself something!

[seonghwa]: okay. i'll be over in a few mins

You tidy up even more as if it's the first time Seonghwa is coming over. But, you feel nervous all over again. You feel like every inch of your apartment has to be clean in order to prep; overall, it feels like nothing can really prep you for whatever will go down tonight between you and Seonghwa and this is only helping distract you from that thought. You just hope it ends on a good note.

"Sorry it took me a little longer, had hella shit to do for the trainees today." You shrug as you look at him from the couch, wrapped up in your blanket.

"It's okay."

"What'd you do when you got home?"

"Hm, clean. Nap. Eat dinner with Yaya. How was work?" He shrugs.

"Tiring." He plops next to you on the couch. You notice he's drinking a protein shake, with nothing else in hand.

"You didn't get anything to eat?" He shakes his head.

"I'm not really hungry."

"Hm, okay." You hum. "Thanks for still coming over even though you had a long day." He looks at you and gives you a toothless smile.

"Course." You scoot a little closer and he continues to watch you. He watches the cute little frown on your face build— staring at him all doe-eyed and it makes his heart flutter.

"I'm sorry for everything, pichu. I didn't mean to get mad at you that night the fight broke out. I just didn't wanna see you hurt and I'm stupid for not pushing Mingi away. For finding excuses. You shouldn't have to save me every single time and I'm sorry it has been that way over the years." You tilt your head. "I really am sorry, and I didn't mean to make things more complicated especially with the kiss. I probably ruined things with Makayla—"

"We're just friends." He chimes in. "We're just friends and you didn't ruin anything."

"She was at your place? In your clothes?" He nods and chuckles a bit.

"Yeah, cause things escalated for one night. I'm not gonna lie. But, that's really it. She knew.." Seonghwa looks at you and shakes his head. "Nevermind."

"No, tell me. She knew, what?" You place your hand on his and gentle shake it.

"She knew the way I felt about you, especially after that morning."

"Oh."

"I guess she could just tell."

"I'm sorry, Hwa." He clicks his teeth and caresses your cheek.

"Stop saying sorry. Nothing was ruined. Everything's good between us and we're still friends."

"Where does that leave us?"

"You know what I want. What do you want?" You look at him for a moment, really look at him, and he's patiently waiting for your response. His big, brown eyes are holding hope, holding love, holding every bit of affection he has for you— even though he's trying his best to keep it at bay. At this moment, you couldn't even question how Seonghwa felt for you because it's overflowing from his look alone. He really wanted you. He really wanted to give you the world, if you'd let him.

"I'm just scared, Hwa." You say, close to a whisper— bottom lip trembling. He lifts your chin as he scoots closer, keeping you close and warm while his big, brown eyes peer into yours with pure adoration. There's a mix of worry, concern, but he knows better than this. He knows you two are better than this.

"I am too, I have been for a long time. But, please trust me when I tell you that I'm here and that I'll never leave your side no matter what. I'm here, Y/N. I want this, I want you. I have always wanted this."

"Don't lie."

"You know I hate liars." He chuckles a bit.

"I feel the same, Hwa. I do.”

"Yeah? You're with me? Genuinely?" You nod. "I need you to be sure of us, Y/N."

"I'm sure. I'm sorry I ever doubted you or questioned it, but I'm sure." You shed a few more tears while Seonghwa chuckles a bit. "Hey." You whine. "I'm serious!"

"I am, too." He smiles. "Stop crying, you look ugly when you cry." He teases and you smack his arm. "Just come here." He says, pulling you closer and lifting your chin up. "I got you, okay? I got us.”

"Okay."

"Is it okay if I kiss you?" Seonghwa asks, close to a whisper. You quietly nod, watching as he dips forward and closes in for a kiss. It's soft, it's sweet, it's light. It makes your lips tingle, it makes you feel all sorts of butterflies. Before Seonghwa can pull back, you immediately chase after his lips— asking for another, just deeper, more intense. It quickly builds without having to do or say much; Seonghwa's large hand cupping your cheeks right before you straddle his lap, careful not to break the kiss. Your tongues are fighting for dominance, background noise now also being filled with the sound of wet kisses. Small whines and whimpers. Seonghwa's hands fall to your ass, giving it a good squeeze when he feels you slowly rock against his already-hard cock.

"Fuck." He hisses just as you suck onto his bottom lip and tug back on it. "Hold onto me." He demands as he swiftly carries you, letting you wrap your arms around his neck, legs around his waist. He drops you onto the bed and continues to kiss you, making his way down to your jaw. Neck.

"Gonna ask again.” He places a kiss on your jaw. “Sure about this? Us? If you want me to stop, I'll stop." You shake your head as Seonghwa continues to plant kisses wherever he can, thumb fiddling with the hem of your shorts.

"Keep going." You reassure him through a quick cheek caress when he stops and stares. "Please. I’m sure."

"Okay." He whispers before dipping in for a final kiss on the lips. The both of you continue to shed off your clothes, tossing them at different points in your studio. "You're still on birth control, right? I'm clean."

"Mhm." You barely respond before you let out a small gasp when Seonghwa's thumb run down your folds, feeling for how wet you are already. He presses at your sensitive nub, biting onto his bottom lip when he sees how you easily respond.

"So wet already." Your mouth waters when Seonghwa finally sheds off his boxers and pumps himself a few times. When Seonghwa tugs the covers up and slightly hovers over your body, he teases you for a few minutes by running his tip up and down your folds. He lets out a small moan before slowly breaching your entrance, sliding in with ease because of how wet you are.

This whole thing feels so raw, feels so new, feels so.. meant to be.

So perfect.

Like fitting in the last piece of a 1000-piece puzzle.

Seonghwa slowly works himself into you to adjust to the feeling, his mouth slacked open against yours at how good, how perfect, you feel. He finds a steady rhythm, your legs cocked open for him as he dives deeper, and deeper— hitting you in all the right spots. Seonghwa thinks the feeling is indescribable. It's the fact that the person he genuinely loves is underneath him, the person he genuinely loves has admitted in feeling the same about him, about this. It's the fact that everything feels so, so right.

It makes everything about this exciting, more pleasurable.

"God, you feel so good—" He groans. "Baby, fuck." The pet name sends shivers down your spine, eliciting a loud moan to slip from your lips. He picks up the pace, fucking into you rougher, faster.

"Seonghwa—" You whine. He sits up, hands splayed out on your thighs to keep them spread open while thrusting into you. He watches as you shut your eyes, back arching in pleasure, teeth biting onto your bottom lip to prevent yourself from moaning too loud. "Mm'close." You mewl as Seonghwa's hips become a little sloppier, his movements rough and hard. You start to move your hips to match his movements, tipping closer and closer over the edge with every move, every moan, every kiss. Suddenly, you still as you let out a loud moan of Seonghwa's name— a huge wave of pleasure, ecstasy, washing over your body. Seonghwa takes the opportunity to chase his high, hips stuttering just as he releases his seed into you shortly afterwards. A strangled, deep moan leaves his lips as he presses wet kisses against your neck, jaw, lips.

"Y/N." He looks at you, brushing the hair away from your face.

"Hm?"

"I love you."

♡ taglist: @hwasbabygirl @fairyofhueningkai @chngbnwf @tinyteezer @everyonewooeverywhere @pearbunny @mxnsxngie @starhwahwa @woosmaid @yeosangsbbg @jycas @lyracarvahall @huachengsbestie01 @laurenwidjaja @taz-97 @asjkdk @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs

[strongheartneteyam]

Realize where you belong.

Pairing: neteyam sully x female!dreamwalker!reader/female!human!reader

Chapter 6

CW: lots of angst, jealousy is not even the right word to describe neteyam's state anymore, emotionally hurt neteyam, yandere neteyam, reader has a hard time trying to fight her feelings for neteyam, mentions of using someone with the intention of forgetting someone else, mild violence, mentions of sexual fluids, possessive and territorial neteyam, mentions of depressive symptoms, use of alcohol, feelings of fear, tension, confessions of love, fluff. I think that's all (??)

✨ IM BACK ✨ I can't even believe I managed to finally update this fanfic! 😂 All of a sudden I spent days on end being a 24/7 nurse for my spayed kitten and didn't have time for anything + having to give her 2 different pills at 2 different times, all during the am hours, plus another one in the morning, left me SOOO sleep deprived. It was horrible. Thank God she doesn't have to take the pills anymore. ANYWAY lol Guys, in the beginning of the chapter until the middle of it, I think, I know you guys are gonna want to murder me or reader or both (you know that y/n meme with the pic of the blonde girl "choking" her own shadow in the wall, saying like "babe this is not us" or smth? so… pretty much that! lol) BUT I PROMISE it's gonna be really good in the end 🥲 trust me, please 🥺 it's the moment most of us (yes, me included!) have been waiting for! 💕 Also, this is a longer chapter, compared to the usual. Maybe a compensation for my absence? Idk! lol I just hope you guys like it! haha OKAY if I say anything else, it'll be a spoiler lol love y'all to death!!! my readers are my babies, my lil angels… I truly freaking love you guys so much!!! 🫀⚘

Not proofread.

Chapter 5

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

I can see you standing, honey, with his arms around your body

Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all

(...)

I can see you staring, honey, like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury 

exile (Taylor Swift, Bon Iver)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

The air was thick and chaotic at the Olo'eyktan's hut that morning. Everyone seemed to be a bit too restless, either getting ready to go show up to their duties to the clan, like Neytiri, or thinking about some personal struggle, like Kiri, who was lost in thought, looking a bit sad. But she was also mixing some herbs and flowers, preparing a thick, violet colored substance that was used to treat wounds, that she would later give to Neytiri. Kiri would always help Neytiri a lot, assisting her in her Tsahìk position in the Omatikaya clan.

But Neteyam still stood out among the whole family. He was unmistakably grumpy that morning, Lo’ak noticed, as he was - once again - watching the weird way his older brother was behaving. Neteyam was not being his usual calm and caring self. He was not trying to take care of everyone, not giving out smiles and trying to cheer his siblings up. He was even distracted when Jake was giving him instructions about how today's training would go and giving him other orders, like telling him to keep an eye on Tuk whenever he's able to, as she was growing and becoming even smarter, more energetic and mischievous and was starting to get into more trouble, sometimes even picking fights with other girls in the clan, becoming a bit too much like Lo'ak, which had been making Jake rub the sides of his forehead in worry lately, way more often than he liked to admit.

"The Mighty Warrior, distracted when dad is telling him what to do?! What the fuck is happening?!" Lo'ak thought. Something was very wrong. And Lo’ak was determined to find out what it was.

Neteyam sat with his legs slightly open, his hands were crossed, his elbows resting on his knees. He had a lost stare in his eyes, gazing at the nothingness, looking like he was mad at someone who had just maybe punched him in the face.

He did not know how to deal with it all, that turmoil of emotions you were causing inside him felt overwhelming to the Sullys first born. He had taken on just so many challenges throughout his life and conquered most of them, but he feared you were gonna be a war that he might lose. He had to admit it bruised his ego. Suddenly, he did not feel like such a Mighty Warrior after all. An adversary that most people would judge as a weak one compared to him, a mere human girl, so small in comparison to his size, was defeating him. Suddenly all his skills with bows, arrows, big knives and even big, intimidating shotguns were not enough.

And Neteyam felt lost. He did not know what to do. For the first time in his life, his rational and smart brain could not seem to produce a war strategy that could help him win. Win you. He felt just like a wounded warrior, bleeding on the floor.

༊⁀➷

You decided to finally answer Derek’s messages today, after ghosting him for a while. You were feeling weird and lonely. And shaken. God, still so shaken... What the hell happened last night? Did that really happen? Was it all just a dream? You could swear those words Neteyam Suli had given you, about how he was in love with you, that his hauntingly tall and broad figure, vulnerable, kneeling on the ground in front of you, telling you he could tell you desired him too, had all been just part of a weird, eerie, anxious, borderline wet dream.

You knew very well what you were doing to Derek. You were using him to forget about the mess Neteyam was making of you. You knew that was wrong and you did feel guilty and ashamed. But you also knew you had to step back into your old reality, into that familiar world, into your comfort zone, a place where there were only regular human guys interested in you, not that current unsettling reality you were living in - you could still swear it had all just been a dream. Or a nightmare, perhaps. You were not sure -, where there was an almost 10 feet tall alien boy pursuing you, declaring his love and his nearly inappropriate desire for you, talking about the intimate parts of your body in a way that made you uncomfortable, anxious but... that lured you in too, at the same time. You needed an escape from it all. Your already disturbed mind did not seem able to deal with those facts at that moment and Derek seemed like the perfect distraction. 

Damn, what had you become? That was not ethical or moral at all - using a human being like a tool to distract you from your conflicting emotions - but you did not seem to be capable of caring too much about being ethical or moral at that time. Your whole perception of the world seemed to be changing. You felt bedazzled and unsteady. You did not want to admit to yourself that you were starting to feel too much for Neteyam, that you were running away from your feelings like a thief runs away with an expensive item he just robbed. No, you were not in love with him. How could that even be? Everybody knew the na’vi don’t get romantically involved with humans. Your races were more like enemies than buddies. There were only a few humans who were loyal to the na'vi and maintained a somewhat close relationship with them, but never a romantic one. What was making you and Neteyam feel like that for each other? That could only bring problems and you sure as hell did not want more trouble in your already complicated life.

You would be better off sticking to a human male instead. It was safe and familiar. It did not make your anxiety skyrocket. But it also did not excite you a single bit. Derek caused you nothing. You could barely even feel actually turned on when he touched your body and kissed your lips. It was just like he was a habit you had gotten used to, making out with him here and there, to numb the pain you felt inside your heart almost all the time. His biggest efforts to make you wet never seemed to work. Meanwhile, Neteyam got you wet without having ever touched you. That sure spoke loud enough. 

So why were you rejecting Neteyam and going after Derek?

Maybe you felt too afraid to take a risk, to follow your heart. God knows following that damn reddish muscular organ had put you in the worst situations possible in the past. You felt numb but you felt safe. And safe felt good. Bearable, at least. You were afraid if you gave into what you felt for Neteyam you just might explode. The feelings were that strong. You did not know what to do to try and ignore that tiny but extremely annoying creature inside your brain that would always be whispering “What if something actually good came out of it? Take a risk. For once in your life, don’t play it safe.”

But you were choosing to play it safe, anyway. At least this afternoon. You were gonna meet Derek, after two weeks without doing so, and just hang out, eat junk food, drink some alcohol and talk about non important things, just laugh and be silly, like you two always used to do. He was a good friend. Too bad he never made any type of fire light up inside of you, not even in the very beginning of your rendezvous, that’s why you never got to have sex with him. You were simply not interested. At all, to be honest. You wondered why you still insisted on being physically intimate with him. There were many things in your life that you did and did not really think too much about. They were just pure routine, they just kinda happened and you let them, almost like you weren't really living your life, but only a mere spectator to the events that were happening to you. And it seemed like you felt too emotionally numb to put an end to them. Your involvement with Derek was one of those things. He started to flirt with you one day, you were bored and you thought "why not?" and now, months later, you were still caught in this situation. If anyone asked you if there was any other reason why you were gonna see Derek today other than to try and get Neteyam out of your mind, you honestly couldn't say there was. It was crystal clear to you that, even though you were fighting like crazy to deny your feelings for Neteyam, you were indeed falling for him.

But how could that be? Some days ago, he was only an Omatikaya famous warrior - and, oh, let's not forget, the next Olo'eyktan of their clan - that you had only heard people talk about.

༊⁀➷

Neteyam was up in one of the highest tree branches he could find that day. He did not want anybody to see him, as usual, but he also did not want you to know he was watching you, either. He knew you were now aware of his constant presence around you. He knew you were not oblivious to his love anymore.

The sun was harassing his eyes, so he put his hand over them and squinted hard to try and see if the guy next to you, in the laboratory’s cafeteria, was really who he thought it was. When his eyes could get a better view, once the sun was not bothering them so much anymore, he felt something sinking in his stomach and his heartbeat accelerated considerably.

He had just confirmed who the guy was. It was that disgusting little human male that liked to act like you were his mate. Neteyam hissed ferociously, his protruding na’vi fangs looking scarier than ever, as his wide feline eyes watched Derek leaning close to your face and kissing your lips. Neteyam wanted to die - or maybe kill Derek - when he noticed you kissed him back.

༊⁀➷

You forced a smile while looking at Derek, after you had the initiative to break that damn kiss who seemed to never end. He seemed satisfied with the fact that you two had just kissed, contrary to what you were feeling. You honestly felt like you wanted to throw up. All you could think about was how it would feel to kiss Neteyam, to smell his scent again, that was so abundantly different from what you were used to, but that fact only seemed to make you want him even more.

You looked away to try and forget the ridiculous mistake you were making by being with Derek at that moment. You were looking at the ground and your gaze moved upwards. Now your eyes were directed towards the outside of the lab. What you saw startled you beyond reason. Neteyam was squatting, up in the branches of a huge tree, not too close but not too far from the part of the laboratory you and Derek were currently in. His fangs were out, seeming bigger than ever, as he hissed ferociously. Neteyam's animalistic side had completely taken over him and you could tell.

A chill ran down your spine. You could feel in your guts something bad was about to happen.

Your heart throbbed in pain as you saw how hurt he was now that he had seen you kissing Derek, even after he - Neteyam - had confessed his feelings for you in such a vulnerable way last eclipse. You saw in his eyes how betrayed he felt, like you were just silently telling him that his love did not matter at all to you and you'd rather be with any other guy but him.

༊⁀➷

"Hey, I'm going outside for a while, 'kay?" Derek spoke as he got up from the place he had been sitting, beside you, kissing your cheek "The boys are gonna meet me behind the lab in a while. "

Oh, no. Derek would not be safe if he went outside. Not with Neteyam spilling hate for him out of his soul like that. You had to try and find a way to keep Derek inside.

"Oh." You said, not being able to conceal your nervousness "Why don't you wait for them to actually get there before you go?!" You almost begged, visibly tense

"God, you seem nervous." He chuckled slightly, seeming uncomfortable " Is everything alright?"

"Yeah! I just want you to spend some more time with me." You pouted at him, coming up with an excuse to try and keep Derek from going out of the lab

"Sorry, sugar. It was nice hanging out and stuff but I really need to go now." He was already walking fast towards the door before you could try and talk him out of that stupid idea

You couldn't let any of the people in that cafeteria know something was up, so, you pretended everything was alright and finished eating your chips and took the last sip of your canned whisky and coke and stood up, walking slowly (when you actually wanted to freaking run) in the direction of the lab's metal door that led to outside.

You put your oxygen mask on, took a deep breath and walked out the door. 

You heard a noise, it was like a really heavy object falling to the floor. You also heard some strong thuds.

When you started to walk around to try and see what was happening, you realized your fear had become reality. Neteyam was sitting on top of Derek’s squirming body, his toned, striped thighs straddling Derek’s torax. You gasped when you realized Derek was no longer wearing his oxygen mask and Neteyam's huge hand was over Derek's mouth, preventing him from screaming for help. Neteyam looked at him like a hunter looks at their prey, while his big fangs and loud hisses put fear in the human boy's eyes. Derek was completely terrified.

Your heart beat sped up insanely and your hands were now cold as ice. You were afraid for Derek’s life.

You knew that the way Neteyam was taking out his frustration and jealousy on Derek was indescribably far from okay but still, as cruel to Derek as it seemed, you still felt incredibly sorry for the Omatikaya in front of you.

At the end of the day, you had a big percentage of blame for what he was doing right now. You were confused and afraid and torn but you knew to whom your heart belonged and it was not Derek. So why the hell were you being so selfish to the point of hurting two boys at the same time just because you didn't know how to deal with your own feelings? You realized it was time for you to stop being a coward and put an end to that madness.

You could tell Neteyam was not okay mentally and you knew that you were being toxic too, that you were contributing for his mental state to get worse with your indecisiveness and fear, despite his efforts to show you he would never hurt you. You wanted to stop hurting him and help him instead, to finally let go and admit to yourself and to him that yes, despite the way you had been acting, you were in love with him too.

"Neteyam, don't!! Let him go, please!!" You shouted, running towards the human and the na'vi boy.

You finally got close to Neteyam. He stopped and looked at you, his eyes so fiery, the calm golden pools they always used to be were now boiling with feelings of anger, jealousy, hurt and betrayal.

"For me! Please?" You pleaded him, looking deep into his eyes while stroking his strong blue arm

You watched that beast inside of Neteyam slowly calm down, as his feline ears pointed downwards and his eyes became softer. He moved his hand away from Derek’s mouth and the human boy let out a series of labored breaths. Neteyam slowly got off of him, revealing his beyond intimidating height as he stood up, and stepped away from him.

You walked as fast as you could to where Derek's oxygen mask was laying on the floor and picked it up, checking if was broken (it wasn't! Thank you, Universe.) and went back to where he was lying down and gave it back to him.

Neteyam watched your movements and felt jealous when you got close to Derek, so, once you got back to the place where you were standing before, Neteyam stood right next to your arm. His instincts told him to mark his territory.

Derek swiftly put it back on. He was almost completely out of breath. Derek breathed in deep once the mask was covering his face, taking in all the oxygen he possibly could.

"Are you okay?" You looked down at Derek’s body, searching for any visible wounds. There were none, at best. "God, I'm so sorry about this…"

"Yeah, I'm fine, somehow." Derek seemed afraid, shocked, frustrated and angry, all simultaneously, as he got off the floor and got back on his feet

"Please, don't tell anyone that you saw Neteyam or that he tried to hurt you, okay?"

"What the fuck?!! This psycho almost tried to kill me!! Why are you defending him?!"

Neteyam hissed at him when he heard what he had just called him but you squeezed his arm and he looked at you, remembering your pleas were the thing that were keeping him from killing that small, pink male. Even though it hurt him deeply that you were protecting that human, he couldn't bring himself to ignore you when you were begging him not to hurt Derek. You had Neteyam in the palm of your hand.

"You don't understand! If you let anyone in that lab know what Neteyam did to you, the RDA will eventually know about it too! Do you understand how serious this is? Do you wanna see Neteyam dead?!" You urged him, looking deep into his eyes "You could even help start another war between the humans and the na'vi. Do you understand that it is a much bigger issue than it seems to be? Just forget about what happened and I'll make sure Neteyam won't ever try to hurt you again."

Derek smirked in contempt 

"How can you be so sure he will listen to you?"

"I know he will! He loves me. And… I love him too."

Derek’s face had a big question mark all over it now and his mouth fell open.

Neteyam seemed to be shocked for a while. He did not expect you to say that, at all. He thought you would never love him back. Neteyam couldn't seem to believe those words had actually just come out of your mouth.

You breathed in deep, trying to stay calm amidst all that chaos "This thing between us…" You looked at Derek "It's over. I don't know why I was still insisting on it, I never even felt attracted to you, in the first place. I'm sorry."

"I'm outta here! All of this shit that's going on… feels like a fucking nightmare"

"Can you do as I said and not tell anyone about Neteyam? Nobody, ever? Please?!" You were nervous, brows furrowed, talking fast

"Okay!! Just let me go now! I think it's better if you and I keep some distance from each other from now on. I don't want your crazy na'vi boyfriend trying to kill me again." 

Neteyam hissed at Derek again when he heard the word "crazy" and Derek rapidly looked at him, startled, but couldn't be brave enough to spend more than some seconds staring at him, so, he swiftly looked away 

"Neteyam, please!! He's going already." You looked at Neteyam, a bit angry and impatient, asking him to calm down "Just go, Derek." You spit out and sighed, feeling physically and mentally drained after having to stop that stupid fight

Derek finally turned his back to you and Neteyam and left.

You looked at Neteyam. His eyes were glued on you. Those pretty amber eyes. His face wasn't full of hatred and anger anymore. His demeanor was much calmer now. His body language radiated love towards you. His tail was wagging softly. You felt pain and regret consuming your chest. How could you have treated Neteyam so badly last night? You realized now you couldn't hold him to the same standards you hold human males. The na'vi are animalistic beings, in spite of their high intelligence. And worse, how could you be irresponsible enough to kiss Derek even not actually wanting to, making Neteyam see it and get as hurt as he did? You sure were being trashy.

"My tawtute…" he cooed as he turned to look in your eyes "I won't let you run away from me anymore." Neteyam had a big smile on his lips "I don't care if you try to. That's all I needed to hear, that you love me. Now that you've said it, even if you didn't say it directly to me, I'm gonna fight for you even harder, even if you keep trying to push me away, I will keep bothering you." He kept smiling, blissful "You're like an Ikran. I just need to be patient with you. Eventually, I'll tame you and you'll be mine. All mine, hi'ì 'emyu." (small cook) "Bonded to me through tsaheylu. I can be patient and I will be."

You could only look at him, stare at his face and ask yourself why. Why was he willing to put so much work into making you his mate? 

"I'm not gonna run away from you anymore." You finally said "I'm done running. I'm done keeping myself miserable and alone because I'm too afraid to trust you and let you in. While trying to keep myself "safe", I was hurting myself and hurting you. I'm not doing that anymore, Neteyam. I was so stupid… I can't really say what it is, but there's just something about you… I think about you all the time, since the first time I saw you when you appeared for me outside that window. I don't believe someone can fall in love so fast but…" You were about to burst into tears "I'm in love with you."

Neteyam looked at you with the biggest smile on his plump lips, while his heart beat uncommonly fast inside his chest. He was overwhelmed with joy but as he was seeing the tears welling up in your eyes, he felt like he was about to cry too. But he didn't. Having learned throughout his whole life to always act with self control and rationality in front of everyone, - not really by choice, but because he knew that was how the Olo'eyktan to be should act, to keep a good reputation, to let his people know he was strong enough to control his emotions and not let them get in the way of him making good decisions for the Omatikaya - his ability to show some aspects of his feelings was a bit impaired now and that included crying. Even though he almost cried in front of you when you rejected him, he couldn't bring himself to cry of joy, now that you were saying that you wanna be with him too.

"I'm sorry for… what you saw. Me and Derek. I never liked him, Neteyam. He was just-"

"Yawne, no." Neteyam interrupted " It's okay. I don't wanna hear about that human." He looked disgusted only by the thought of Derek "And I don’t want you thinking about him either. You're mine now. Just forget about him. It's me that you like, right?" He gave you a gentle smile now and you nodded your head positively "Then focus on me, yawntutsyìp."

You looked at him, shyly, and smiled

"So… Can I ask for a hug, now?" your heart beat fast inside your chest cavity as you nervously said that

"Oeyä tawtute…" (my human) "You don't even need to ask." He opened his big, strong arms as he spoke "Come here."

༊⁀➷

Taglist: @kitsunefirewail @tumblingdevils @a-blog-name-2003 @xylobee @nerdybouquetofkittens-blog @henhouse-horrors @lala-1516 @xylianasblog @samistars @crazy4books1 @explosiongamora @lik0 @your-girl-mj @darktyrantwinner @sereisstuff @yeosxxx @die4niyahhh @iman-lu @manumanulau @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @hana-yuri @thehoneymushroomhealer @melllinaa @annaibansworld @siriuslysmoking @avatar4eva @ellabellabus07 @badbishsblog @neteyamsmate4life @c-h-i-l @criticallybella

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 45

chapter 68:

1. “Some of those ashes could be Marlene.” bro wtf

2. listing out the names of the people who died in war destroyed me

3. james reacting to his father’s death by flinching away from effie had me broken. i’m destroyed. unwell

4. “The worst part is, when he says what he does next, it's not even a question. "After that, you're leaving."

Sirius' eyes flutter shut, and he croaks, "Yeah, Reggie, I'm leaving again."”

SCREAMING CRYING SOBBING IM UNWELL I WILL NEVER BE OKAY AGAIN!!! I WILL NEVER BE FINE AGAIN

5. “”Sirius, I love you more than anything. You're the first person in this world I ever loved at all. Not Mother, not Father, not James; it was you.”” STILL SCREAMING STILL CRYING STILL SOBBING STILL UNWELL

6. okay just all of the stuff with the black brothers has me in tears. their bond is unbreakable and my heart is in fact very breakable. i’m shattered over them

7. dorcas hasn’t left that spot in over twenty four hours and boy am i worried for her. she needs water. she needs to go pee, i’m sure. she needs to eat something and to rest

8. “Just not afraid to die, then?

No, I'm rather used to it, actually.”

STILL SCREAMING OVER MARLENE!!! STILL SOBBING ACTUALLY

9. “"You. Even you," Dorcas declares harshly, glaring at her. "I'd rather it be you. Instead of her, I'd rather you be dead."”

WOAH! hold up!!! i love marlene as much as the next gal, but nobody goes after my girl lily. she fought and fought and fought as well. she deserved to make it to this side of war too! she tried to keep marlene alive too. hold your horses dorcas.

10. 😧 did you just shoot my lily??? MY LILY??? holy fucking shit. she’s insane.

11. “Some of that blood must have been Marlene's. Dorcas wishes she had bathed in it; Dorcas wants to turn back time and drown in it.” 😟 i’m worried

12. “Never, through any of this, did [James] imagine losing his dad.” kill me. it would be more merciful than making me live after reading that

13. “Monty loved Sirius like a father did; Sirius is allowed to mourn him as a son would.” calling my freind again while sobbing brb

14. god I don’t know how to explain it, but every time pandora is mentioned and she’s alive i let out a huge sigh of relief

15. AROACE PANDORA SUPREMACY

16. i’m so horridly upset that lily lost almost everyone. she lost her family, she lost sybil, she lost kingsley, and dorcas tried to shoot her, so i’m pretty sure she lost her too. lily tried to not love anybody because she was scared of losing them, and sure enough, she was right

17. i get upset when everyone talks about going separate ways. i want everyone to live in one big town and live right next door to each other. i’m thinking hogwarts vibes (except better, ya know) or maybe the mansion they all lived in at the start of ahb!

18. as much as it upsets me that sirius is going to be leaving james and effie and regulus, i’m genuinely so happy that sirius is going to stay with remus

19. oh. i see why sirius has to leave. it’s best for everyone to heal a little before sirius sees his james and regulus again. because otherwise they won’t be able to heal

20. i love wolfstar, and this is so emotional but like, “Just—for right now, what I need is to be with you. I want—that's what I want.” all that does is remind me of high school musical with the “ALL I WANNA DOOOO IS BEE WITH YOU! ONLY YOU! NO MATTER WHERE LIFE TAKES US, NOTHING CAN BREAK US APAAAART, YOU KNOW ITS TRUE, I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOUUUU”

21. ““I wish I did love him that way," Regulus confesses, "because it would have been easier than this. It would have been easier to define how losing him feels, but it's not. James, it's not."”

god, i ache for him. like so badly. i so badly want him to have barty back. more than any other character. (sorry to marlene and monty and sybil and literally everyone else who died)

22. “It's still been three days since the end of the war, and Regulus wonders when they'll stop measuring the passage of time that way.” 😟

23. “Doomed to be a great, big tragedy.” *eye twitch* i’m fine. *even bigger eye twitch*

24. look, i know in the future, everyone will be together again and as happy as they can ever be. but rn, i’m sad

chapter 69:

1. “"I don't care!" Aberforth shouts. "I don't give a damn about your fucked up love story with our sister's murderer, Albus! The fact that you even came to love him to begin with sickens me, let alone that you continued to after he killed Ariana, and still do to this day!"” hell yeah put him in his place

2. “The dead sister card is a little underhanded, admittedly, but Aberforth knows a thing or two about manipulation tactics. He'd have to. Albus is his older brother, after all.” LMAOOOOOO

3. lily mentioning children and sirius and remus just locking eyes and panicking was so fucking funny. bro i’m wheezing

4. BRO AND THEN REGULUS BEING LIKE “you’ve??? never thought about kids??????? wtf??? me and james are having four you little loser??????”

5. dorcas just marching in has me so fucking scared ngl

6. oh god, dorcas became the president coin in this. she wants to make a new hunger games. oh god. oh no

7. as horrifying as it was to see sirius’ train of thought, him being the first one to say no is so fucking satisfying oh my god

8. good for remus fucking standing up for lily. everyone is blaming lily, and finally remus speaks up that the blame cannot rest on lily alone

9. 😧😧 not albus suggesting the jegulus wedding to help with the aftermath. bro he’s fucking insane. it’s so hallow-like of him to suggest that oh my god

10. oh my god dorcas has gone insane, is she about to tell everyone how albus was in love with grindlewald. that’s fucking insane oh my god i can’t wait

11. oh my god it’s even better. it’s that he came up with the rule for the quarterly quell. oh my god this is gonna be great

12. 😧 holy shit. sirius just killed albus. imma be so real, i expected one person to not leave that table, and i thought it would be dorcas, not albus. i thought she would be killed

13. minerva asking lily to be a medic and help save albus, and lily just not will forever be iconic to me

14. as a punishment they banned sirius from the hallow 😭😭😭 babes they knew they had to come up with some punishment as like a way to show actions have consequences, but they chose one that sirius would love 😭😭 that’s so funny to me bro

15. alberforth finally leaving his home is a very satisfying character arch

16. “this story is, first and foremost, about siblings—primarily sirius and regulus ofc—like that is the whole point of this fic, the core of it over anything else. and that feels right considering the source material, like in thg, it was always about katniss' love for prim and how important that was over peeta or gale or anyone else. and i just. i really adore that, and hope i paid a good homage to that, because i really admire it.”

you did. you did pay homage to that. it was abundantly clear that this was about siblings. and i love you for it. thank you, if you see this

alrighty six more chapters to go! i’m in the home stretch yall

[elcpsstuff]

The Summer I Remembered You (C.F.) (Part 7)

Summary: Yn gets a little too drunk at Nicole’s party, but someone is there to help her with the after effects of it.

A/N: Already chapter 7? We aren’t half way yet, but the chapters go by so fast, please enjoy!!

—

I stumbled around Nicole’s house, eyes blurry and stinging. I’m not a lightweight, used to be but not anymore. But this is the most i’ve ever drunken. And i’ve gotten drunk before, trust me.

Everyone was hanging with their own people, and I was trying to find mine. My people. Gigi, Nicole, Shayla, belly, Taylor even.

But I couldn’t find them.

In the distance I saw a tall figure with another figure that was navy, their shirt probably. I knew it was him so I ran fast to him. He was with someone else.

“Conrad.” I say.

He turns to face me and I can still see him but not too clearly.

“Yn, what the fuck?” The other guy is suddenly gone and Conrad’s hands are on my face.

“Why are your eyes bloodshot red?” He says and I can hear a trace of worry in his voice. Worry.

“Con..” I begin to say but the words trail off.

“How much did you drink?” He says, this time firm and I don’t hear the worry in his voice. It’s gone.

I slur, “One.. twelve, I don’t know it’s..”

Conrad shakes his head, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” And then he takes my wrist and then we’re heading towards the exit.

“Stop!” I try to yank my hand out of his grip but he doesn’t let me. He’s too strong. “What are you doing?”

“Taking you home.” He says, and we’re moving towards the exit again.

Outside was Jeremiah, this other guy, and Cam. They were playing beer pong.

“Hell yeah!” I hear Jeremiah scream and then he looks towards us. “Hey, is yn okay?”

“She’s leaving.” Conrad says and then I shake my head. He doesn’t get to tell me what to do? Now he suddenly cares after all this time? I take everything back, I fucking hate him.

“No, i’m not.” I say but Im too weak to move away from him. Jeremiah just nods at Conrad which only makes me angry, and then we’re moving towards the car.

“Conrad, let go of me.” I say, tugging at him.

“Get in the car.” He had built this wall against me, like he couldn’t get too close to me. In my drunken state, it kinda hurt.

“Okay.” I stepped into the car and sulked. Sulked for the hundredth time this night. Conrad then got in the drivers seat.

“Please don’t be mad, Con.”

“I’m not mad, yn.”

Then, I did something i’m not proud of. I’m so embarrassed of it.

I started whaling. Crying my eyes out. You could hear it and I was sobbing. He definitely was going to walk out of the car. Leave. I couldn’t stop, once the tears started it was over.

To my surprise, I pair of hands stroked my face, wiping my tears away. “What’s wrong?”

Oh boy, that’s a lot.

“Everything.” I say. Quietly. “Everything is wrong.”

He didn’t say anything else, and Instead he took his hands off me and he started the engine up. I decided not to say anything either. And to stop crying.

After the worst car ride possible, we got back to the summer house and I think Susannah and Laurel were asleep because the lights were off.

Conrad gets out the car and then goes to my side, and opens my door. I was about to get out but he stops me. Then, he picks me up bridal style and I can’t help the flutter that’s in my heart. I nuzzled my head in his shoulder for comfort.

Conrad took me to my room and I could hear his heart beating, fast. He shut the door quick and then put me down on the bed.

Quickly, he started to roam around my closet to find some clothes, and he pulled out shorts and a shirt. A shirt that he had to stop and stare at for a few seconds.

He turned back to me, “Is this—”

“Yours.” I whisper.

—

June Last Summer, 15 (Almost 16)

Me and Conrad were currently on the couch, laughing our asses off. It was 1am and everyone was sleeping except us. Conrad showed me his moms secret vodka stash and we got a little carried away.

In my drunken state, I had my arms wrapped around his stomach and was laying on his lap.

“Connnnn.” I say through slurs. Conrad was way more sober than I was, but he was definitely buzzed. I was a lightweight.

He started to stroke my face which felt really nice. “This was a bad idea on my part.” He says through a laugh.

I shake my head and then unwrap myself from him, pretending to be angry. “Hey! I can handle it.”

He rolled his eyes playfully before pulling me closer to him, “Why’d you stop?”

I looked at him confused, “What?”

“Stop hugging me.”

Suddenly the air felt thick. Me and Conrad had had a beach moment almost 3 weeks ago, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. The feeling that had always been there. Sometimes I literally felt like we were a couple.

I shrug, “Your not very cuddly.” I lie. He was like a teddy bear.

He pretends to be offended and gasp a little but, “I let you know i’m very cuddly.” Conrad then picks me up and sets me down on his lap, shoving me into his shoulder. I tried to laugh but a part of me couldn’t breathe at all.

“Conrad! Stop!” I say but laughs keep coming out of my mouth. Eventually I give in and my arms are around his stomach again. Everything went quiet for a second, and the whole world stopped. It was just us.

Conrad played with my hair so gently it made me shiver. Then, I swear he was going to kiss me. He was so close, but he didn’t.

Instead he said, “Yn, we should go to the boardwalk soon.”

—

“You still have this?” Conrad stood there and he looked shocked. He ran a finger through his hair before sitting next to me on the bed.

“Well, now you can have it back.” I say, holding onto my banging head.

He shook his head and threw the shirt at me, “Nah, you can have it. I think it’s cute that you kept it.”

“Don’t do that.” I say. I suddenly felt a rush of anger. Everything, everything was coming back to me and I couldn’t forget it.

“What? I’m just being fucking nice. I didn’t have to take you home.”

I roll my eyes, “I can’t believe you.”

“Can’t believe what?”

“That you—” I paused. It wasn’t worth it. He would never care about you. Not again.

“Just leave me alone. Your good at that.”

I go to turn around but Conrad grabs my wrists, “No, no don’t do that yn. Don’t act like I fucking left you.”

Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes but I held them back, I couldn’t let him see that I cared. It was all too painful.

Of course, they started to spill. And then I was sobbing once again. This was so embarrassing.

I laid back on the bed and hid my head from embarrassment, “Just go away Conrad, please.” To my surprise, he didn’t say anything. But he didn’t get up either. He just looked at me. That look could kill me and break me and make me love him all over again.

“Conrad, go.”

“No.”

He was so frustrating. Intoxicating, too.

“Why? Why can’t you get the fuck out of my head?!” I then stood up on the bed and looked him deep in the eyes, something I have avoided doing all summer. He stayed silent.

“God, i’ve tried so hard to stay the fuck away from you, and I thought it would be easier because you’ve been such a fucking asshole, but I can’t.” I rant.

“yn—”

“No. No! it’s not fair? Why did you have to leave me? Why couldn’t things stay the same? John divorced Laurel, things have been weird with Belly and you know Frankie. I cant keep anyone in my fucking life.”

Before I knew it I was in Conrad’s arms and I was hugging his waist, sobbing.

“Fuck. Yn. I’m sorry.” He mumbled against my hair and strokes the side of my face.

“No i’m sorry. I ruined it Conrad. I ruined us.”

—

My head was banging as the sun poured through my window. As I opened my eyes, the harsh reality of life set in. I got so drunk Conrad had to take me home meaning I missed out on celebrating Belly’s birthday, which is just another reason for her to hate me. On top of that, instead of going to bed like a normal person I sobbed into Conrad’s arms and basically told him I missed him.

I grabbed my phone and was shocked when I saw the tjme. 8:45. I was supposed to be at the Marina in 15.

I jumped out of bed and put on athletic shorts with a tank top. I grabbed a hair clip and threw it up into a messy bun.

Once I went downstairs, I saw Jeremiah and Steven getting ready to leave and Belly was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Bells?”

Jeremiah shrugs, “She went to drop off Taylor.”

Great. Didn’t even get to say bye.

Without saying anything else I rushed out the house and began to make my way to the Marina.

Once I got there, I looked for the man Susannah had described to me. Brown hair, tall. It wasn’t the best description but I tried my best. I saw a man who I believed was him and went up to him smiling.

“Hi, are you Dean?”

The man smiles, “Yes, I am. I believe your yn?”

“Yeah, sorry i’m late.” Before I can say anything else he shakes his head, “That’s alright. Come with me.”

We walked down the Marina and he described the job I would have. Basically just working at the front but also some boating outside. I didn’t bother to tell him I’m scared of boating.

“Oh, and this is Sarah. You guys will be working together a lot.”

Sarah smiles at me, “Hey! Nice to meet you.”

Dean sighs and looks at the clock, “I have a meeting but Sarah could you show yn around a little?” Sarah nods and Dean gives us one last smile before leaving.

Sarah turns to face me, “Wanna smoke and tell each other our life stories?”

Damn. I like this girl.

So here I was at 9:30 in the morning smoking pot and laughing my ass off. I don’t smoke pot a lot. We were sitting at the deck with our legs hanging out.

“So your Aunt and Uncle adopted you?”

I nod, “Yeah, my parents died when I was 5.”

“How?”

“Car crash.” I say while taking another hit.

“I’m sorry, that sucks.” She says and I send her a smile. She had good intentions. She was nice.

“And you live with the fishers?” She says through a small smile.

“Yeah.”

She nods and for a moment there was silence until she spoke again, “Which one you hooking up with?”

“Ew! None. God, they’re like my family or something.”

Yeah. Or something.

Sarah just smirks, “Mhm, sure. I’ll have to get to know you more for that answer.”

“yn?”

That’s when I turned around and saw the one and only Conrad fisher. My dumbass forgot he teaches Cleveland how to boat here.

Sarah looked at me and smirked, “I’ll leave you to it!”

I go to protest but she stumbles away in her drunken state. Conrad then sits down next to me with his feet dangling as well.

“Are you high?”

I shrug, “Sarah—” i go to point to her but realize she’s gone. “She had one, and we just started smoking and talking about our life problems.”

“yn—”

I knew he wanted to talk about the night before. But I couldn’t let him. I had gotten so vulnerable with him, it was just too painful.

“You know, i’m sorry for being so annoying about the pot and shit, because I totally understand now. This is good.”

It’s disgusting.

He takes the blunt from my hands and tosses it into the water.

“What the hell Conrad! That wasn’t even mine!”

“Your pot friend probably has more.” He deadpans.

I groan and go to get up, but Conrad grabs my waist.

“What are you doing, Conrad?”

“We need to talk yn, about last night, about—” I shake my head and he stops talking. I hated this. Mostly because he doesn’t even care.

“Nothing happened last night.” I lie through my teeth and he can tell. Then, his hands are on my face and he’s cupping me.

“I’m concerned, about you.”

Fuck. It’s that look again.

“Don’t be.” I try and pull away but his grip only gets tighter. I wanna give in so bad. Give in to all these feelings that I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.

For a second, I swore we were gonna kiss. Then I thought about Belly, and everything else in between. I pushed him off me.

“Just stay away from me, it’s easier that way.”

I didn’t even look at his face because I know I would feel guilty. All I ever feel is guilty.

—

A/N: THE DRAMA IS COMING!! Just a couple more chapters and then we might or might not find out what happened between them

tag list: @kkrenae @callsignwidow @drikawinchester @johannelis2302nely

[olasketches]

What do you think are Sukuna and Yuuji’s greatest personality strengths and weaknesses? Why? What do you love about their dynamic?

oh I love questions like that!!

for sukuna, I wanted to say his intelligence and creativity but to be honest I think it's his curiosity and inquisitiveness. Intelligence and creativity are like muscles. you develop them the more you observe, learn, practice and experience and one of sukuna's defining traits is that he's incredibly observant. his curiosity in a way contradicts his "I don't give a fuck about anything" attitude but then we have witnessed time and time again how he finds other sorcerous intriguing or in sukuna's words "fascinating". he even admits later to kashimo that he finds people tasty interesting

sukuna's curiosity allows him to learn new things and lets him acquire more knowledge (hence why he's so adaptable and strategic in combat), probably as a way to keep himself entertained, after all he's also a super bored individual. However, one would think that for someone with such strong sense of curiosity and inquisitiveness that naturally leads him into exploring and learning, he would be much more prone to growing and evolving as a person... well not in sukuna's case nuh uh. cause this guys biggest problem obstacle is him himself.

sukuna claims he doesn't need anyone and thinking his way of living is perfectly fine and yet he showed doubts when that one "annoying brat" who he can't seem to ged rid off (by literally and metaphorically cutting them off) the way he did everyone else, made him reflect on himself for the first time in millennium. sukuna is a great and cunning observant... of everyone but himself. I think his greatest personality weakness is his absolute lack of self awareness, which is kinda funny considering that he's also a character with the most overwhelming sense of self. it’s like he knows damn well who is and doesn’t need external validation but then because he never self reflects he can’t really grow and evolve as a person… and if it wasn't for sukuna and yuuji's forced coexistence, sukuna would have most likely still kept going about his life the way he always did without trying to understand his own thoughts, feelings, values, beliefs, and actions. the reason he never questioned his own way of being is cause others are just a way for him to pass time rather than an opportunity to reflect upon himself and learn something about his own inner workings…

and then we have yuuji who I would say is on the same spectrum just on the opposite end. yuuji doesn't really reflect on himself or question the world he lives in but that wasn't always the case. in the first ten chapter we actually get to witness his internal monologue about death and his place in all of this but after his first encounter with a certain death, everything changes. yuuji stopped reflecting on himself and instead started repressing his emotions. someone actually made a great meta about this, he actively avoids thinking about the whole situation, which brings me to my point. I think yuuji's greatest personality weakness is actually his impulsiveness. he tends to make decisions without thinking about the consequences first. yuuji, like most of teenagers tbh, doesn't want to think too hard about the world he lives in so long as he has something to do but I believe this might also be related to the perception he has of himself as "the dumb one". “Im an idiot so there’s no point in me thinking about these things right?” you can even see that sort of attitude when megumi admits why he saved yuuji that day

you’re so smart fushiguro. thinking about all sorts of stuff, unlike me.

oh yuuji.. yuuji.. :/. but in some ways yuuji's impulsiveness can also work in his favour. his "do it now, think later" attitude doesn't allow him much room to overthink, so once he commits to a task he doesn't back down until he achieve his goal. that's why, I believe his greatest strength are his determination and strong will, something even sukuna couldn't break.

sukuna and yuuji’s strength and weakness go hand in hand and complement one another. sukuna's habitual curiosity reflects yuuji's obliviousness to the world around him, whilst yuuji's determination (but also just sheer existence) caused sukuna to have doubts about his way of living. they're complete polar opposite and yet in some ways they're more alike than they think. neither of them is a big fan of self reflection. they're both stubborn af. physical pain is just an after thought to them, they'll keep going even if they loose half of their limbs. "violence is the solution". they're both freaks who don't mind eating human flesh and one of them actually enjoys it. and lastly, they're both just really miserable. sukuna's selfishness only made him hollow inside and yuuji's selflessness only brought him more suffering and pain. they also think that the solution to their problems is to kill the other one (which is kinda funny now that I think about it lol tho in yuuji's case this is kinda true.. but also not really) and yet they’ve been essential to each other’s growth. they’re both really fucked up individuals who hate each other’s guts and make each other’s lives a living hell but at the same time they also know and understand the other one’s soul like no one else… what’s not to love?

sukuna and yuuji’s dynamic is actually the reason why I fell in love w jjk in the first place. their interactions are always fun and entertaining and they always leave with an even bigger brainrot but at this point I think it’s safe to say that these two consumed my mind and heart and maybe even soul completely. I just can’t get enough of them.

[aachria]

once again writing as im reading yk how it is

You apologizing in the notes for a longer chapter will never fail toget me hyped and sorta nervous 🧍‍♀️

SABO AND LUFFY REUNION I LOVE THEM

"So did you (get taller) , thank you for staying alive long enough for me to know that" aachria the writer that you are 😭 you always manage to make me emotional

Snakebite/fangs sabo my beloved ALSO SEPTUM PIERCING SABO??? HIM HAVING A SHIT TOM OF PIERCINGS??? AACHRIAAAAA. WRITE MORE SABO CHAPTERS AND MY LIFE IS YOURS.

"…Who the fuck picks a prosethetic that looks like Sans from Undertale???? " Sabo the man you are

AACHRIA. PLEASE. IM AT THE "ACE TO BE EXECUTED" PART. WTF. WHAT WHAT WHAT 😭 UHM. I knew my ass was being too hopeful about both of them being there 😕 i shouldn't have trusted you.

If Ace dies. I'll cry. /th. You'll cry too so please don't kill him 🙏‼️

NOOOO ED DONT BLAME YOURSELF ITS NOT UR FAULT YOU WERE LIKE ⅘S DEAD ATP FR

THE VIVRE CARD OMG AACHRIA PL3ASE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US HOW COULD YOU 😭😭

"I can’t save him. I can’t save him, I can’t save him I CAN’T SAVE HIM I CAN’T SAVE HIM— " ricky when i catch you Ricky. I dont wanna call this foreshadowing cause that might give you ideas and i predicted quite a bit of stiff right. So i predict Portgas D. Ace will Live.

MONKEY D. LUFFY THE MAN YOU ARE 😭

I want you to know i cried at the Luffy comforting and forgiving Ed part 😕

" “How can you say that?” I croak, trying to find any hint of dissension in his expression. “How can you not believe it?” he counters." 😕😕😕😕😭😭😭😭 you're a bully

ED COWBOY HAT ED COWBOY HAT ED COWBOY HAT OMG IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS BUT IT WOULDVE BEEN BETTER HAD ACE BEEN THE ONE TO GIVE IT TO THEM IN PERSON ANOTHER REMINDER THAT YOU'RE A BULLY. A MEAN MEAN BULLY 😭

ACES NOTE OMG I LOVE HIM SM HE BETTER NOT DIE 😭

" Bit of a shit way to meet and in law but hi" and then no elaboration is so funny 😭

PLANNING FUCK YEAH I ALWAYS LOVE THISE SEQUENCES IN FICS

Did. Did failure make ed forget about the kuma sending everyone away thing? Or are they gonna try to put it off til after marineford??? Or is it just not gonna happen at all???

Ed repeatedly saying "i love competent people" with kore and more intensity 3ach time is so real what a mood

Jonah mentioned 🤭 love to see sabo and ace bonding

ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK

"Unquestionably" 🤭🤭🤭

im still worried abt wtf is gonna happen a propos the strawhats separation

Amazing chapter as always excited to see the next chapter that you might post on Wednesday THANK YOU SO MUCH ‼️

GUYS I PROMIE I'M NOT APOLOGIZING I'M MAKING A STATEMENT BECAUSE I'M A BIG CONSISTENCY GIRLIE AND I FIGURE YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW GOING IN THAT IT'LL BE LONGER THAN YOU'D TYPICALLY THINK. LIKE IF YOU THINK YOU CAN READ A CHAPTER BEFORE GOING SOMEWHERE AND DON'T GET TO FINISH BECAUSE IT'S LONGER THAN YOU EXPECED. I DON'T KNOW.

but yeah getting you hyped and nervous is pretty much the intended effect.

I was trying real hard to keep faithful to the feelings from the canon Sabo and Luffy reunion while also not having Ace being DEAD as the driving force of the thanks (the ASL brothers thanking each other is something that can be so personal—) and I'm, if nothing else, content with where it ended up. Fuckin' love those two.

Nothing shows how much you love a character like giving them fucktons of piercings and just generally disregarding their canon design. He is my special little guy and I will make him strange and weird like he deserves and if that included stealing his fucking eye and making it more awesome and also poking a myriad of holes in his face, who's to stop me?

I am terribly trustworthy excuse you. I never said I wasn't going to do terrible things. I asked if you thought I'd do terrible things and I hoped I wouldn't do terrible things, but I never made any promises. Hheh.

I also make no promises not to kill Ace. For the record. But I will cry absolutely.

If there's one thing about Ed, it's that if they're given a chance they will martyr the SHIT out of ANYTHING. Like pookie please your saviour complex is showing.

I was so ready for someone to call out the recurring smoked fish joke like 'hmmmm smoked fish you say kinda of like SMOKE from something BURNING IS IT?!" and then that didn't happen and I felt vindicated. And please when have I ever used foreshadowing before. Doesn't sound like me at all.

Luffy is my hero you GO bestie COMFORT that idiot YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH—

Look that cowboy hat is fantastic and my catalyst for cowboy Ed, who can only get more cowboy cunty from here. Nothing say pirate quite like a cowboy.

Oh yeah baby Ed is very aware of Kuma. There's a bunch of you shits who were real concerned about them forgetting and to that I say the first little sequence of next chapter was supposed to be on the end of last chapter, but it was already too damn long so I had to split 'er up. It'll make more sense when you read it.

I LOVE COMPOTENT PEOPLE ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ ED AND LUFFY PRISON BREAK ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Yeah.... the separation.........

Anyway yeah I didn't end up doing to Wed update because I had a bad week but there WILL be one this week ‼️‼️

[squarebracketsmileyface]

On a totally opposite end of the spectrum from the role swap-

Imagine if after the Promise chapter things flipped. If after that argument The Operator- out of pure animalistic type curiosity- said “ooh lemme stick my fingers in this sauce here” and left Alex alone to latch onto Jay. Its already discovered how it can push and twist and manipulate one person, but what about a completely separate person? Will the results be the same? Different? Will it be easier or harder?

So it latches onto Jay, and Alex experiences a flat out withdrawal from that thing’s influence, followed by the most gut wrenching clarity. Realizing how crazy he went, how he killed his friends to “save” them when it never would have mattered. So two weeks pass, and all he can think about is Jay- talking to him again and telling him everything, being honest and actually fucking admitting that he cares about him, that he wants to make good on his promise and do things right.

But Jay doesn’t answer. Jay is the one who drops off the planet and goes MIA, and Alex has a horrible, sinking suspicion he knows why. He hopes that Jay just finally got sick of him- he HOPES thats all it is- but deep down there’s this creeping suspicion that its not a coincidence. That he passed his own torment on to Jay like some twisted fucking disease-

He finds out he’s right, later on. When he starts working together with Tim(he’s desperate to find Jay, to fix things, even if that means groveling for Tim’s help-), when they start having run ins with Jay where he won’t see reason, where he argues every point they make and tries to convince Alex that everyone has to die, to help him(and wow, did he sound that crazy too? probably, yikes-)

And in the end Alex makes one last desperate attempt. He meets Jay somewhere alone, tries to convince him to come with him, tells him that he loves him-

But Jay doesn’t believe him. He tells Alex as much(“i love you but i can’t trust you- you said it yourself, why would you ever love somebody like me?”) and Alex wants to cry when Jay throws his own awful words back at him, things he never meant to say-

But what destroys him is when Jay takes the gun that he stole from Alex months ago, puts it to his own head and pulls the trigger with a bang right in front of him.

I’m in a dark mood today LMAO we die like tunnel guy

we die like tunnel guy lmaoooo

fucking THIS tho oh my god the ANGST

i literally have nothing else to add really, my brain saw this and turned into angst mush i fucking love this so much. Jay not believing Alex when he says he loves him fucking OW. This is literally fucking perfect. like, actually.

Everyone come look at this and be fucking destroyed by it because OW. it's especially sad because i'm thinking so much about Alex being the one feeling super hurt and stuff in his uni relationship with Jay, because im writing if it ain't broken at the moment. I am in the perfect mindset for just pouring over Jaylex angst with Alex being the one left feeling worst for it.

Honestly though, Alex finally seeing things fully, truly clearly and realising how terrifying and horrible it must have been for Jay to see him the way he was with the Operator in his head, all angry and not seeing sense and arguing every little thing.

withdrawal from the Operator tho, like, actual withdrawals from it could be so interesting. Like, how would that interact with Tim since he's been dealing with the operator since he was a kid presumably. is he fucked either way? like, if he doesnt take his meds he could get withdrawals from them, and if he doesn't take them for a while then goes back on them does he then get withdrawals from the Operator? Or is it different because the Operator isn't in his head the same way it's in Alex's? is just being near it enough? Like second hand smoke?

[welcometothelairofthebitchking]

Why it's funny to me that people give Way sooo much shit but think Charlie is the best thing that ever happened to Babe:

Okay so first of all, I am NOT a Way apologist. That boy is crazy and sick in the head and a very deep shade of red when it comes to red flags, but the thing is? Charlie isn't that much better?? Im not even talking about the 'Charlie faked his death and it hurt babe' part. I don't even really care about that. I'm talking about up to episode 8. Because at least up until the moment that Way snapped and tried to actually r*pe babe, the things he and charlie were doing weren't that different. 'Oh but Way used his powers on Babe and brainwashed him and controlled his whole life.' Exactly. Way used the privilege Babe gave him to get close to him whenever he wanted, to put his hand on his shoulder, and use his power on him to steer things in the direction he wanted. Each time Babe thought his best friend was being affectionate, he was actually being abused in the worst way possible. Babe trusted him with his love and the power to come close and touch his body whenever he wanted, and Way took advantage of it.

And you know who else did that? Charlie did. He did the exact same thing. Actually, I can even take the paragraph above and replace the words:

Charlie used the privilege Babe gave him (long term sexual contant never shared anyone else, cuddling in the bed and touching throughout the night, the kiss oh my god the kiss) to get close to him whenever he wanted, to put his hands on his body, and use his power on him (aborbe everything) to steer things in the direction he wanted (the grand plan, am I right? The one him and Jeff worked soooooo hard on). Each time Babe thought his sex buddy/lover was being affectionate, he was actually being abused in the worst way possible. Babe trusted him with the power to come close and touch his body whenever he wanted, and Charlie took advantage of it.

'But he did it to protect Babe'. That does not matter. Babe isn't a child. Charlie doesn't get to decide to protect him without asking his opinion. Babe is an adult. He can make his own choices. Moreover, his senses have been with him all his life. They shape his whole identity and who he is. Actually, given his fucked up childhood and how he was raised, given that his whole career and number 1 'identity' depend on them (because it wasn't just a number 1 spot, it was who he was. Pit babe always wins. Pit babe won't be pit babe if he loses.), Babe probably thought most of his worth comes from his senses. He said that once, that he's not sure he'd be worthy if he doesn't have his senses (and here the point isn't that he would be worthy, it's that HE thinka that)

And charlie just comes and? Decides to take them? Decides to take the whole identity of someone he 'loves' in order to 'protect' them without giving them a choice or even explanation?? That's fucked up. When I got to that point of the series, I legit thought this is a kind of r@pe, and worse than the sexual kind.

So the thing is, what he did was fucked up. It doesn't matter what his motivation was. I'm sure that Way too actually thought r@ping Babe and putting a baby inside him by force is the best way for both of them too. Which, obviously, bonkers, but my point is that your intentions don't cancel out the harm.

Everyone in this show treat Babe as some sort of object or kid that doesn't know what is good for him. No one gives him a choice while it's literally HIS life. They just come in and use him and his trust. They just manipulate him and lie to him, and no one considers how much that would HURT.

And you know what the real difference between Way and Charlie is? Obv. That charlie is 'selfless' and does everything for babe rather than the sake of his own desires/safety, but I assure you a writer can twist that. I can easily write the same situations and characters (up until chapter 8), and this time make charlie the red flag. In a case like this, the real difference is the way the narrative guides you and your emotions along, and the most important part in that is Babe himself. It's about who babe chooses to forgive. Who he decides to stay with despite the hurt. It's not about choosing between a saint and a red flag, but choosing between two people who have hurt you. And you choose the one who you love so much, you would keep hurting for.

And that's the beauty of it. Despite what this might come off as, I'm not a charlie hater. Not at all. I like him and babe together actually. I like Way too. And I love all of them because they are incredibly fucked up people trying to do what they think is right and I find the struggle interesting. My point is that, we are too fixated on finding a green flag and a red flag and choosing between them, when in situations like this, when all characters have been through hell, there will be no green flag. You can't rip a person apart and then bitch about them being red like blood can be any other color.

My point in making this wasn't to say charliebabe is abusive or toxic. It can be at points, but my point isn't that. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't fall into the trick of the narrative. You shouldn't decide a person is good and saint like just because their intentions were good or because they're the one the protegonist choses. You shouldn't ignore the hurt they do. The show moved sooooo fast from what was the biggest betrayal to me and I don't see anyone talking about it, simply because Babe decided to forgive and forget and the narrative pretended everything was perfect with a mama joke and a hug

[cheesus-doodles]

AHHH YOUR HC’S WERE BEAUTIFUL JUST AS USUALL 🥹🥹🥹 little question thoughh— would yan bff rin ever let y/n cuddle with him?! I know if he did hed be rlly shy about it and be tense but i cant help thinking that maybe he would like hugging us and cuddling with y/n 😭😭 OR MAYBE IM JUST BEING DELUSIONAL GNN ☹️☹️☹️

Recommended Readings: Yan BFF Rindo HCs; In Juvie HCs; Out of Juvie HCs

Masterlist

‎‎

ahh thank you anon, and happy lunar new year! i’ve been super busy with all the spring cleaning and i’m working on the next chapters of Going Home AND A Friend in Me! :’)

Very good question! HMMMMM I would say yandere BFF Rindo would love nothing more than to hug and cuddle with you, especially if its in a public enough location like right outside your school, or even at your desk - it’s a foolproof way to show everyone else whose protection you were under, and of course who you picked as your bestfriend. But at the same time, no matter how much this baby boy just wants to cuddle and bathe in your attention, he is also so conscious over his image and the ever-present comparison between him and his older brother to the point that he will never initiate. Even if he is dying to feel your arms around him, Rindo will absolutely ridicule you if you bring up that you want a hug, teasing you about being so needy and that you were such a baby, and then pretending to give you a hug before pulling away and making you whine. Rest assured he will not let you go after that without his mandatory minimum of fifteen minutes of cuddling, though he will keep making sure to mention how it was your idea and how he was being so extra nice by giving in and how was he going to be paid for his niceness. 100% drags off and beats up anyone who stares even a second too long because no one gets to judge him and his bestie.

If you simply never mention cuddling or hugging though and Rindo is getting desperate and you still haven't noticed his pouting and slumping (because what is life for this baby boy if he isn’t getting his cuddles goddammit), Rindo’s solution would be to simply get between whatever you were trying to do, wrap his arms around you, pick you up and walk off. Doesn’t care in the slightest if you were in the middle of a test, your best friend should be your top priority at all times, like you were his. See, he’s not hugging or cuddling you, he’s just carrying you off to who-knows-where. Starts internally panicking when you start innocently questioning him where you two were going because of course he doesn’t have an answer for you, Rindo just wants his cuddles without looking like an absolute simp. So you two always end up at a cafe or sorts with him stammering out an excuse along the lines of “being hungry” but “unable to finish the food by himself”. Anyway it didn’t matter that his excuse made zero sense since you always ate it up like soft serve ice cream, and you were more than happy to allow him to “carry” you all the way to your destination.

Ran always finds it hilarious that Rindo is so shy around you without you even realising it, especially when it comes to cuddling in bed. You’re a cuddly snooze much to Rindo’s delight (and horror), and when you do come over to the Haitani’s for a sleepover and Rindo “can’t find a spare bed” for you, making sure to slap his older brother’s mouth shut before he offers to sleep on the couch with an amused smirk plastered all over his face, you are happy to share a space with your bestfriend. And you can never keep still in your sleep no matter how far Rindo starts off, shifting and tossing and turning until you finally have something to latch on to like a koala. The younger Haitani (while awake) would be stiff as a board, completely tense as you cling to him and try to huddle closer to your source of warmth, even though this entire thing of his idea - would deny, deny, deny even without Ran saying a thing, would tell him to fuck off with a completely red face. And then Ran would wake up to find Rindo fast asleep and his head on your chest, cuddling you back. Takes a picture because its cute but more importantly for blackmail, and would constantly hold it over Rindo’s head how cute the picture looks. Might even print it out, but Rindo would have enough and eat all of Ran’s leftover pastries, drawing a line of how much he would take his older brother’s antiques.

You, of course, would have no idea any of this is going on.

And needless to say, Rindo would absolutely forbid you from hugging anyone besides him, let alone cuddle. Your hugs and cuddles were only for him to enjoy, since you were his bestfriend, so you weren't allowed to hug, cuddle or even glomp anyone, against your natural instinct to do so. You just really liked expressing yourself with a hug, and Rindo likes that, but not with some random stranger - who knows what they will do to you? Carry you off? When he's around, this boy would actively step in between you and your potential glomping target, catching you in your hug and while gently placing a very confused you back on your two feet, send a very stink eye at whoever it was you were trying to give a hug to. If that didn't send them scuttling, then of course they would meet his fists and feet and brick out of your sight. And when he isn't free to accompany you absolutely everywhere to make sure you weren't hugging trash, Rindo would make sure to thoroughly interrogate you over every action you took during that period of time, pinching you when you lose focus and try to switch the topic to something else. He had fingers to break and arms to dislodge after all.

Of course none of this would work the moment Izana and Kakucho were introduced to your lives, and Rindo had to watch in agony and pain as you land your glomps on the Tenjiku leader - he had tried to step in before between you and Izana, but all he could got was a swept leg to his side, which sent him crashing into a table and then a wall. It wasn't fun, but at least that drew your attention away from the tanned boy and back to him. Kakucho is a gentleman about it, catching you by your waist and telling you glomping others without warning is a dangerous and very childish thing to do, though all you do is blink back in confusion; Rindo reluctantly accepts the black-haired boy as an ally, despite the very red face the other sports. He'll have to step up his training of you even more thoroughly to stop this very bad habit of yours when it comes to anyone other than him. But Rindo definitely admits it'll be hard as he bemoans it to Ran who is actively stifling his laugh: Izana is countering him and encouraging you to send more hugs his way, and you were reasons for beyond him listening to that stupid white-haired boss of his.

[rowretro]

✧𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐍✧

WARNINGS: Sexual refferences?, kissing, extremely violent

✧taglist✧: @heeseung-min @jaeneohee @lovingvoidgoatee @neruishoon (anyone else? I lost all the ppl who asked for this series and my other 3 series)

✧CHAPTER 7✧

That was the last she saw and heard of Sungchan. Of course she had no idea what had happened in there, not even a single scream or anything. Just an extremely mad Sunghoon covered a little in blood, sitting in the driver’s seat. He looked fuming, the way he overspeeded through the empty roads, avoiding collision with other cars. 

The silence was scaring her… she’s never seen him so mad before. Sunghoon simply turned on some music, one of the girl’s favourite songs playing, he turned it all the way up. It was a good song at the wrong time. “Bitch dance and roll that ass up” the most random song at the wrong time. She was in no mood to party or vibe, let alone dance. She was starting to spiral… was he even alive?... Did Sunghoon kill him? He did something awful but was that any reason to get killed? So many thoughts ran through her head, as Sunghoon smirked psychotically “Death is such an easy way out sweetheart…”

Y/ns eyes widen as she turns to him "Oh darling... you didn't forget that I'm a demon hmm?... I can hear your thoughts darling..." Sunghoon smirked as y/n frowned. "you didn't right?" the girl asked, immediately regretting the fact that she asked him such a question Sunghoon just stared ahead, his tongue gliding over his fang. "Ah y/n y/n y/n... why would I kill him that easily sweetheart?... He dare come near you, I'll snap his neck after covering him in deep cuts and pouring lemon juice into his cuts and punching him in the gut 10 times and chopping off his dick" He continued as the girl covered her ears, trying to sing with the music playing in the car.

Sunghoon laughed at her actions and turned it down "Now now... we haven't settled your side of the mistake yet sweetheart..." Sunghoon trailed off, his sweet voice laced with th undertone of an eerie, taunting hint of danger. "w-what?" the girl asked confused. What mistake did she make? she was the victim here. "Oh Darling... You made on big mistake... you lied to me. in fact you didn't even tell me about you problem... you're going to spend eternity with me so you'll have to learn a lesson for every mistake you make." Sunghoon stated as the girl stared ahead in horror.

As soon as they arrived home, Sunghoon pushed her into the basement, chaining her arms to the wall. This was a completely different side to Sunghoon she's seeing. No it's not a little kinky handcuffs sex thing, for he had a blade, engraved with her name... multiple actually. "It seems everyone needs to know who you belong to..." he said, fiddling with his knife.

"H-hoon... it's way too soon for me to get pregnant- and uhhh im virgin- I don't want so much violence for my first time-" the girl tried to reason, trying to make sense of her situation the man laughed almost hysterically "Oh baby baby... god you're so fucking stupid... you know what?... maybe I'll let it slip a little just for now..." Sunghoon said as she blinked, the man unchained her, pushing her front up against the floor as he chained her down again.

"I'll go easy on you just this once." he said, pulling up her shirt as he smirked. She was his permanently after all, he pulled out his tattoo gun, using a normal pen to write his name on her lower back, before going over it with the tattoo gun. "ow- what OW- AH- SUNGHOON! STOP NO I DONT WANT ANOTHER TATTOO- GOD PLEASE DONT BE BIG- I HATE BIG ONES-" the girl yelled.

The male finished the little tattoo of his name, smiling at his work before going through with the tattoo care. "That was only barely a punishment... next time just know... these blades pierce skin no matter how gentle you are with them..." he trailed of, his finger barely touching the knife and yet it drew blood. Not a single word left her mouth... she walked out of there silently, not wanting him to get any madder.

✧𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐍✧

[linkedin-corp]

we love essays. go ahead 🔥

SAY NO MORE FAM

CANON TTYD SONG PLAYLIST

-> ( recommended to read alongside listening! )

ENTRY 1. posin' — peggy suave (electro swing remix)

okay hear me out. this isnt entirely serious but its really really cute. works especially well with chapter 6 . im just a sucker for electro swing

ENTRY 2. ship in a bottle — fin

im gonna be honest at first this one in my head was more of a song in my "vivian and her internalized self loathing that makes her bottle her emotions towards her friends inside" saga, and it still is, but it also works really really well with what bobbery has going on. the ship and ocean sailing theming, obviously, but it does talk about a generalized chunk of emotions. needing to talk about them or else he'll sink. needing to let go. its just. aughhgghhhhhh. fuck .

ENTRY 3. unravel (specifically this english cover which i fucking love)

do i even have to explain myself. do i. 100% vivian coded. and also peach. ill be real this one fits chimera vivian more but i put it on this playlist because it also fits canon vivian too. albeit a bit less. the whole .. feeling hopeless and left behind. and wanting to be left behind. feeling like shes failed her sisters but not wanting to quite keep fighting to return to them. aughjhhj ...

ENTRY 4. eyes half closed — crywolf

okay. this is a polycule or just vivian and mario coded one to me. vivian struggling to say what she wants to ......... the mentions of leaving town ..... hhhgj:(...

ENTRY 5. bitter water — the oh hellos

okay now THIS is mario+vivian coded. duuuude the pure joy they find in eachother makes me crumble to my knees. vivian likes him so so much and mario loves her like a sodden old man loves his cats. dudeee. maybe people find it strange but who give a shit‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ they love eachother so much dude im gonna keel over

ENTRY 6. the weight of us — sanders bohlke

dude. okay. augh. the groups struggles through the journey to get the crystal stars and feeling doubt. but knowing they have to get through it no matter what. the grief and suffering. the hardships they feel together that crack them open like oysters but they seal together closer when the time nears. their own internal hardship holden secrets that stay sealed like sunken vaults, shucked away to make way for the promise of victory and eventual role to fill of heros. even if they are filled with terrors and fears, they are strong together. the time has come, and they must be brave, no matter what happens. AUJGHHH. (SOUNDS OF WAILING)

ENTRY 7. done with love — zedd

yeah its another ship coded song. honestly? i can feel tec in this. but im mega mega biased and im leaning towards marvian. mario cares alot about vivian okay . i know it in myheart. he loves her and helps her get over her insecurities and fears and i love that for them so much AUHG‼️

ENTRY 8. out of my mind — jamie berry (electro swing remix)

yeahhhhhh its another marvian one (and maybe vivibella if you swing that way too) ...OOOKAY IM CRAZY OVER HERE. LEAVE ME BE. look . to me mario is an old fashioned guy who loves his wife so much that he worries her and owns a gramophone. is that so wrong of me to assume.

ENTRY 9. willow tree march — the paper kites

haha. yeah. when i first was exposed to ttyd i did NOT expect as much grief and death as it gave. so here we are. DEFINITELY leeching off of the fact that most of them all have mortality based traumas . 100%. koops thought his dad was dead for so long. bobbery's wife literally died. the sufferers. the grievers. guys who fear the worst if they die and fail, and just fearing death in general even if it happens to everyone. there is no shot that none of them fear death in some capacity . mortality based fears are real and im projecting at this rate

ENTRY 10. king — lauren aquilina

mmmmm something something when the gang has doubts. when mario has doubts and worries. oh boy. vivian comforting mario just like he comforted her ;;;;;;; i just love giving mc's like mario anxiety its really great . i can make anything marvian if i squint its a talent

ENTRY 11. april in paris — billie holiday

the old fashioned mood is back again sorry . haha .... marvian ..... or vivibella .. coded .... (gets booed off the stage)

ENTRY 12. everything you ever — neil patrick harris

dude. dude. grodus song if i ever fucking heard it i swear to god. his feeling of superiority at the end of the tunnel. his stupid little "im better than you" monologue. except he plays it cool and actually sends shivers down your spine. a good villain in a 'has no idea what they are doing and struggled to get where they are but literally no one knows except members of the audience that think outside of the box'. and then he gets fucking crushed by both mario and bowser. fuck hes such a loser i love him.

ENTRY 13. my way — chase holfelder

ANOTHER X FUCKS SONG. this time its crump. soggy wet pathetic little freak of a guy. honestly i feel like if he really tried he would do well at trying to garner sympathy. in a theater kid dramatic way. thats what this reminds me of. but one that eventually gets into the shitty nitty gritty and sorta makes u feel something. its great

ENTRY 14. never forget you — zara larsson

hey . hey guess what. YUP ITS ANOTHER MARVIAN SONG(GETS SHOT)

ENTRY 15. calling your name — telehope

ok. uhm. so. its. its another marvian so(is killed

ENTRY 16. heart — flor

do i even have to say anything . horurhghhh. vivian (and also vivimera. they both work) and her constant identity crisis ... wanting to move forward but feeling guilty for leaving her sisters behind. yeah. yeah. real ones know how i feel about this one .

ENTRY 17. lay me down — the oh hellos

honestly i dont really have anyone for this one its just the vibes i think. the vibes of the crisp morning of everyone in the land. everyone waking up to a golden sunrise. the sandy pitter patter of feet through the land as the group goes through. the distant smell of death, but its bittersweet. its lovely

ENTRY 18. youth — daughter

oh man. this one . the promise of success, not knowing what lies ahead. those twisted and shapely, those we had known long gone. but time marches on. the goalpost needing to be touched at any cost, even at the cost of death. the heavyness of every choice, every burden left unturned. the mistakes that were made, the choices already chosen before you that choose your own branching paths. those you meet on the way and those you forget, being nothing but memories when time comes. it happens to everyone. but there is hope and love within the hurt, even if bitter. the taste of sour apples lingers, but even within those bites, there is sweetness.

ENTRY 19. unholy — the wrecks

ohhhh yeah a shadow queen song. and also the x-nauts or crump, if you think about it. but mostly shadow queen coded. the cockiness of it all. she would absolutely act soooo so cocky if anyone let her. to be honest, she deserves it. i love cunty asshole sly girlbosses. fuck. yes.

ENTRY 20. FFF — zara larsson

yeahhhhhh its a polycule song. i am nothing if not my biases. i can easily see this from either bellas or vivians pov. lovestruck idiots aughhh i love them

ENTRY 21. rubik's cube — athlete band

hhhfhfjdhf another mario (and co, if you believe it) self doubts song. man i just love making em so so so scared . scared and worried for the future, but full of wonder and hope because of the friends they all have ... auhghh ... weeps ..

ENTRY 22. cant sleep love — pentatonix

WHAT DO YA KNOW ITS ANOTHER POLYCULE CODED SONG HAAAAAHAHA ...........HAHA ......SWEATS (if i went into any more details of what i think of when this song comes on id be covered in thrown tomatoes)

ENTRY 23. lose it — oh wonder

mmmmhahahha yeahyou guessed it another marvian song.. i think mario would be a good dancer but he doesnt ever dance really.. so he and vivian dance together and ... auajjhhghhh ..........guysthey love eachother so much what if i exploded

ENTRY 24. lament for a toy factory — dr.steel

honestly? crump coded as fuck. absolute freak who loves his touys. he WOULD freak out over von grapple dude. lmao

ENTRY 25. little dark age x washing machine heart mashup remix

makes me think of whatever fucked up mental situation mario and the shadow queen would have going on while shes possessing peach would fuck him up baaaad. if the shadow queen was smart enough to capitalize on this. oh man.

ENTRY 26. too sensitive — sean kennedy

vivian coded 100%. without a doubt. shes sensitive in her own ways ... and especially sensitive against her sisters. aouhggh.

ENTRY 27. candyman — zedd & aloe blacc

DUUUUUDEEE DUDE. THIS SONG MAKES ME WEEP AND WAIL EVERY SINGLE TIME I HEAR IT. AUGH... JUST ...... THE SHEER AMOUNT OF HAPPINESS AND NOSTALGIA FLOWING OFF OF IT .... DUDDE .............. everyone being so so so happy together and having the time of their lives :(((((( having picnics and game nights and trips to scenic places and and and . oh my goddddd the gang is a FAMILYYYY they are a family i swear to godddd. they love and care about eachother so muchhhh dudeee. what if i exploded‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

ENTRY 28. my ordinary life — the living tombstone

crump song. super fucking cocky AND dramatic. lmfao

ENTRY 29. crossfire — stephen

honestlyyyyy i have so little words for this one. but man the vibes are there for me. it works. something about it just does it for me

ENTRY 30. afraid of the dark — the band camino

yeah. you guessed it. another polycule song. either mario or bella about vivian .... eeeeeuhhhhehehhee im so sick for them its unreal. the dynamic they have of being scared of eachother is sooooooo. crazy to me im crazy.sorry

ENTRY 31. labyrinth — miracle musical

YEAHHH MORE MARIO ANXIETY MUSIC!!!!!!!!! BEAMS MY LAZER THAT GIVES HIM ANXIETY AND FEAR AND TERROR AND WORRY AND—

ENTRY 32. awoken — glaze

YUPPPPP ITS TEC MUSIC. I LOVE TEC SOOOOMUCH SO IM ALSO BEAMING HIM WITH THE GUILT BEAM BWOOOOOOO i love sentient machines that learn how to love humanity ayghgrhrhhhhhh i need him to feel guilt i love him so bad . living after all of that ....... learning to love and learning to live a life of peace and carefree worries. god . he deserves so much

ENTRY 33. nowhere feels like home — the wldlfe

ohhh man yeah. vivian song. feeling so secluded and outcast even with her sisters. her memory of them being happy and carefree being lost from her sight. feeling so scared of what others think of her after joining the party even though mario has her back. fucjjjkkkk dudeeee.:(((

ENTRY 34. more than friends — aidan bissett

aaaaand another polycule song ..... this could literally go for any of them its craaaazy. silly worried dummiesssss in love i swear

ENTRY 35. love you better — the haunt

ohhh yeah vivian / marvian song. her guilt of who she is ... her anxiety surrounding her feelings ..... oh man. yeah. yeah.

ENTRY 36. real peach — henry jamison

heheeee another one for the 'mario loving his wife' collection

ENTRY 37. again — noah cyrus & xxxtentacion

even more marvian .ahaha. sweats. .. . could also be tec/peach if u dig that kinda thing

ENTRY 38. kids again — artist vs poet

itssss another marvian song.im just obsessed okay sorry.im normal i promise. .. mbfbfhdjjfjg they just love eachotherrrr :(((((( they find so much comfort in one another and it makes my heart so so happyyyy dudeeee.. this literally fits tbem so muchhhh even the lyrics brooo. it makes me want to cry so badly . mario being wreckless ... vivian being a shy beam of light ... god i love them so much

ENTRY 39. stupid — tate mcrae

ANOTHER MARVIAN SONG but this time its feels of when the one sided stuff was happening... vivian rummaging through her very very harsh self loathing during that period of unrequited feelings.. this poor lady .. aughhhh shes everything . she means everything .

ENTRY 40. two time — jack stauber

oh my goddd haha okay more marvian is the last song. oops .. anyway my emotions on this are crazy ..... vivian in her own head about what she thinks mario thinks of her .... aughhggh .... misreading the things he says and assuming the worst. making up fake scenarios in her head and then lamenting over them for hours and hours . god this poor girl someone save her.

AAAND THATS IT‼️‼️‼️‼️

ill probably update in this fashion whenever i find a new song to add to the list because im a crazy FREAK who cares wayyyyy too much about music and how well i can attach musical themes to my interests.plspls pls tell me if im right or wrong on any of these I LOVE HEARING SECOND OPINIONS IT GIVES ME LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!literally livepost to me u listening to these songs idc ill love you forevr music is everything to me . forreals .. ok ty for reading . bye

[stevie-petey]

The way you write fights amazes me. And I have so so much to say about chapter one.

First of all you set everything up perfectly. I can see how Nancy is going to play into the conflict with Steve and bug. Steve feels left behind by bug and Nancy feels abandoned by Jonathan. Steve's fear of bug leaving him hurt me to my core, but I understand where bugs coming from. She doesn't want Steve to resent her for "taking him away" from everything he knows. She doesn't want her life with Steve to fall apart. She doesn't want to be like her father but her holding onto that resentment, fear and guilt is going to fuck up her relationships. You made it so believable with Dustin and bug. Bug was hurt by her brother and was upset with him mindlessly following Eddie around, without meaning to she pushed him more towards Eddie. I love that you don't hide bugs faults, and you always make both sides of the argument valid. How will Robin react to Steve and bugs fight? Will she be included when the murders first start or will Dustin's anger keep her out of the loop and feeling more abandoned? Also, OH MY FUCKING GOD THE JONATHAN PHONE CALL!!!!! As the self appointed president and member of the J.N.U ( jug nostalgia unit) THAT SENT ME INTO A SPIRAL! It also hurts because Jonathan still loves Nancy, and I feel like these "feelings" are only coming back because he misses his life before. He thinks everything went wrong after he left bug because it was different and new and that was hard on him. He doesn't necessarily want bug back, he misses when things were easy. He wants things to be easy again, and he's connecting bug with his life before. He thinks bug= easy/happiness when that's not necessarily the case. Or maybe he does have feelings for her, I just feel like they aren't coming from the right place. I do wonder if he'll remember when he sobers up, I feel like he would cause that's probably the first time bug hung up on him. He probably told argyle and argyle would remind him what he said and Jon would freak out. Bug probably feels so guilty about it. She's so worried about Nancy and Steve. Not only them but the whole party would fall apart. And bug would feel responsible. So she's holding all these feelings inside and we know what happens then😶. I feel so bad for my baby girl. I really like that alex started to sit with her. She deserves company after all she does for everyone else.

my dear anon u nailed everything so perfectly it makes me so :)) because you GET IT !!! you always understand my characters so well i love you for it sm

bug and steves fight is my roman empire because NEITHER were in the wrong. it ISNT fair of steve to place his entire future on bugs shoulder and it ISNT fair of bug to allow her past trauma to dictate how she reacts. she also shouldve put more thought into her relationship with steve and college. did she really think steve would just be a little toy that stays behind ??? he deserves more than that and she realized as much in this chapter lmao. robin and steve have a scene later about the fight so dw bbg i will explain it all soon <333

same goes for bug and dustin !!! for this one im more team dustin purely because bug IS being a little too possessive, but she also has always had her brother in her corner. him growing up and changing is jarring to her. and i loved exploring the faults with her !!!

jon :( i would love to be a member of the jnu pls </3 you so wonderfully explained everything and i cant say too much because i dive into the fight a bit more later, but youre right. jonathan misses when things were easy and in his mind: bug is easy. what they have is easy, but this doesnt mean its RIGHT. he misses how things were, jon hasnt really grown up yet like bug has. hes been left behind, almost. stuck in the past and hes really struggling. the feelings def arent coming from the right place just like steves feelings werent in season 2 :(

also shoutout to alex fr i love adding him in every season hes my own silly character who adds nothing to the plot except be funny and cool. a real one

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 43

chapter 66:

1. holy shit i’m vibrating they’re gonna take the hallow soon holy shit

2. aberforth is that bitch. i love him so much in this omg

3. riddles traps are making me so scared. like, i know my pov characters will live. but i’m so scared everyone else will die. i’m too scared for this

4. 🙂 —> 😧 what is that ripping and tearing beast sound. what monstrosity did riddle release?

5. rita skeeter 😒

6. holy shit. i never expected that from pandora. but then again, that’s exactly what pandora would do.

7. sorry but like, 🩵🌸🥰🌼pandora🌼🥰🌸🩵

8. but also like 😧😧pandora😧😧 babes what is your fucking insane plan again??

9. the “children” dorcas shoot with the haunting question of “The bodies, when they fall, are small. It'll haunt her forever, she thinks. That question she'll never have answered. What if one of them—just one—is real?”

i- oh my god

10. basilisks 😐 i am unamused

11. FLEAMONT NOOO!!! he better fucking live

12. no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO BARTY MY LOVE!!! BARTY NOOOO

13. wait he might still be alive

14. wait did barty ever have a pov? i don’t think so. i’ve made peace with his death. i’m believing he’s dead, so if he’s actually alive, i can celebrate

15. shit no. wait. guns all pointed on marlene and sirius. this is the time she doesn’t make it. i can’t do this

16. wait no the control room beating aurors scene is so fucking funny wait

17. “The way the name is a symbol of peace, given in an olive branch, and how Dorcas ruthlessly snaps it.” that was fucking brutal and honestly it was kinda hot

18. damn go james. marlene and sirius pretty much just got safe passage right into the hallow. holy shit. good on him

19. “"Save one and lose three. Save eleven and lose one. Push the kid, he dies. Hold the hatchet, you have to swing it. Try to do the right thing, something goes wrong. Why? Why? Why is it like this? It's always fucking like this. Why does it have to be like this?"”

hi, my name is cress, and i’m here today because i’m going to think about this crimson rivers quote for the rest of my life

20. “Regulus is somehow sure that, in any world, Barty outlives him.

This one, too.

Please, this one, too.”

fuck. Fuck.

anyways, once again, hi! my name is cress. i’m here today because i’ll be thinking about this crimson rivers quote the rest of my life and mentally stitching it to scenes from canon and ahb!

21. 😦 and then the saviors were fucking shot and so was barty. fucking shit

22. “Barty's consistency breaks, and the world doesn't make much sense like this, and the world keeps turning anyway.”

HI IM CRESS AND IM HERE TODAY BECAUSE I NEED SO MUCH HELP AFTER THIS

[heartrender6]

i love jesper sososososo much. with all my heart. he means everything to me.

BUT HOLY SHIT I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR THE WAY HE TREATED KUWEI.

kaz was pretty awful too but like that's just kaz so I'm not as upset by it. jesper was just mean.

Even when he's saying something not inherently mean to him. like his tone is so belittling it makes me wanna GAASFAHSHDAS

and like, i can forgive the teasing i guess, because that's kinda how jesper talks to everyone, including wylan. (it's a little different since kuwei is literally their hostage and they shut him in a tomb for weeks and then tried to sell him so kuwei probably wants nothing to do with them at that point, but he does end up having kinda a crush on jesper so maybe he didn't mind idk).

BUT OH MY GOD. when jesper said "those shu soldiers can smell us. YOUR father made that possible" I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM. kuwei watched his father die in front of him. parem was an experiment meant to help kuwei hide his powers. and then kuwei got dragged off and kept in the ice court for god fucking knows how long and was forced to make the formula for a drug that would massacre his own people. Jesper knows all of this and still decides to say that. As i said I love jesper but that moment makes me so mad at him.

then later in another jesper chapter, he internally says "The sooner Kuwei got on that boat, the better. The tomb was starting to feel crowded." KUWEI DOESNT WANNA FUCKING BE THERE?? literally leave him alone wtf did he do to you.

then in the entire black veil scene, jesper responds to almost everything kuwei says with some little dig at the fact that kuwei's dad made parem and everything is kuwei's fault to the point where kuwei is basically begging jesper for understanding and jesper dismisses him like annoyingly easily. I felt for kuwei so hard reading that scene. I wish we got at least one chapter from his POV just to know how he's feeling.

mostly i think jesper is just projecting his internalized grisha-phobia onto kuwei which i get is part of his character growth and stuff but it's just so unfair to kuwei. all kuwei is trying to do is relate to him and find some common ground on some level but jesper just acts like such a jerk. and when he kisses him and then just runs of and leaves him there... that was,,, like im not gonna act like jesper was 100% in the wrong for that situation because he wasn't but he definitely could have handled that situation better.

He also is probably doing it to impress kaz too because there's a lot of moments where the 2 of them gang up on kuwei like middle school playground bullies. Those parts probably infuriated me the most, because like... you kidnapped him. obviously he's still in a better situation than the ice court but i would at least expect jesper to have some sympathy.

but one thing that really gets me is how the fandom acts like wylan and kuwei are enemies and like, wylan despises kuwei. that's just so out of character for everyone involved. wylan and kuwei are the closest to being actual friends than kuwei + anyone else. jesper is the one who hates kuwei. I hate when people project their kuwei hate onto the crows but at least do it to the one who's actually shown being mean to him. when wylan said that "push you in the canal" thing he was running on broken ribs, a dead friend and like a half hour of sleep so he would have said that to literally anyone.

this was a really messy and unstructured tangent but i just really needed to get this out there. lmk your thoughts