#i don't know why but I've been in a funk all day even though I've been doing good otherwise and it's so fucking annoying

[s3v3r3dh3ad]

The struggle of wanting to talk to people but then being too nervous to DM first but even when you get DM'd first then you're constantly too tired or just not motivated to talk for some reason even though you truly do want to talk and so you accidentally leave that person who tried to initiate the conversation unanswered for longer than you meant to and then you start thinking that they must think you hate them or don't want to talk to them bc that's the conclusion you would jump to if it happened to you and then you feel bad because now you made things awkward for yourself and everyone involved and then it makes you remember why you don't talk to people 😍

[shankss-magnificent-ass]

How OP men would comfort you after losing a pet || Shanks and Crocodile

I have to put my dog of eleven years down on the 31st (it's 7/30 when I'm writing this). Unfortunately, he has an inoperable cancerous mass on his perineum that is giving him incontinence issues.

Warning: use of (y/n), angst, pet/animal death mentioned.

Shanks would be there for you and give you anything you ask for, even if it hurts him.

Lucky Roux barged into Shanks's office, going as far as to kick in the door, and yelled, "Boss, I swear to god, you need to go check on (y/n)."

Shanks stopped conversing with Hongo, looked up, and blinked incredulously at his cook's extreme, unusual reaction. "Why's that?" he asked, instantly worried you had crossed some line, you always did have issues identifying people's unspoken boundaries, even though you did try your best.

Lucky Roux vented, "They haven't been coming to meals for several days. They haven't been coming out of their room, except for necessities, and we're all worried about them."

"I see," Shanks muttered in dismay as he averted his eyes.

The large, round man ground his teeth together in frustration before he boomed, "Is that all you have to say! There's something wrong with someone you care about, and you sit there and do nothing!"

Hongo stood up, lifted his hands towards Lucky Roux, and tried to ease him down, "Whoa, whoa."

Shanks declared, "It's alright, Hongo, he has every right to be upset." When the blonde sat back in his seat, Shanks sighed, "They're sad because their cat had gotten into that field of lilies on the last island."

"So? Their cat frolicked in a field of flowers." Roux snapped.

Shanks fixed his friend with a stern gaze, and growled, "Lilies are poisonous to cats. It developed fatal kidney failure a few hours later, and we had to put it down before it started to suffer."

Lucky Roux visibly deflated as Shanks continued, "I know better than any of you how much they're hurting right now. I sleep in the same bed as them, I've woken up to them crying next to me during the night every night since it happened. They asked for some space to process their grief, so the only thing we can do, until they're ready to reach out, is make sure they're comfortable and taken care of."

Lucky Roux unclenched his fists, as a tense silence briefly filled the room. All three men grimaced, dissatisfied with the anguish, from feeling like they couldn't do anything to help, gnawing at their hearts. Shanks broke the silence, "They've been eating, they're just taking them in their room."

Lucky Roux huffed, "Why wasn't I informed? It's usually my job to take people their food when they're under the weather."

"They asked me to not make a fuss, they didn't want to worry anyone." Shanks groaned, "Fat lot of good that did."

Hongo piped in, "He came to me to discuss healthy strategies to help them get out of this grief-funk they've sunk into."

Lucky Roux hummed thoughtfully for a moment, before snapping his fingers, "Why don't we have a crew meeting about this?"

"That's a wonderful idea because I've been feeling lost on what to do." Shanks thundered, slapping his knee as he leaned back into his chair.

Sir Crocodile would empathize with you in silence, while he gives you physical comfort and considerable amounts of leniency.

Crocodile walked into his office to see you sitting on his couch, silent and seemingly dazed, clutching a tissue box as tears ran down your face. He eyed you, noting that you weren't moving, and showed no knowledge of his presence. The large man shook his head in disbelief, pulling his lighter and a cigar. He took off his coat, threw it over the couch on the other side of the coffee table, and plopped down next to you on the couch. Crocodile took his sweet time to light up, to give you a chance to say anything before he leaned back into the couch cushions, and asked "What's the matter with you, Kid?"

Unsatisfied with your lack of response, Crocodile put his arm over the couch behind you and used his hook to tap your shoulder farthest from him. When jerked away in surprise, he blew out a large plume of smoke. As you coughed and tried to fan away the smoke, Crocodile cocked his head and enunciated, "What is the matter?"

When you stopped coughing, you rasped, "Why would you think that something is the matter?"

Crocodile rolled his eyes, and grumbled, "Cut the crap, you are visibly a wreck."

"My dog died." You admitted.

Now feeling like an ass, Crocodile muttered, "Fuck, the one in the picture on your desk?" When you nodded, he silently allowed his hand to rest on your shoulder and offered his cigar to you. As he watched you take the cigar from him, Crocodile asked, "How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Cancer," You sniffled and took a long pull off his cigar. "It was inoperable, and the tumor grew rapidly over six-ish months. I decided that given all his health issues, age, quality of life, and the number of tumors he had, it was best to put him to sleep before he really started to suffer."

Crocodile nodded, slightly relieved that it wasn't anything violent. "Knowing you, he had a good life, and at least he wasn't in pain." Crocodile offered.

The tall man started to panic as tears filled your eyes once more and your face twisted in grief. "I felt I should have done more for him, I could have done more for him." Crocodile, using his free hand, guided the cigar to your lips and shushed you, "Take a hit, dear, it'll help."

You took a shaky hit and leaned against his shoulder.

"Oh! And that's silk you are getting your snot on," Crocodile grumbled but made no move to push you away, before he tisked, "I guess it's fine." In resignation to the fate of his waistcoat, he wrapped his arm around your shoulders, lifted the cigar in your hand to his lips, and took a hit. He'd sit there for as long as you needed him to.

List of Up-and-coming works || Master list || Twitter| Kofi || Patreon

[amee-racle-ofmyown]

Hey, Amee!! I hope you’re doing well <3

If by any chance you’re up to it, could you please write a fic about Heist Mark being super jealous of Yancy because he and Y/N clearly seem to be into each other?? I LOVE your art and writings and I couldn’t get this idea out of my head <3 (Obviously no pressure, though!)

I'm so happy to hear you enjoy my work, thank you🥺💖 and thank you for your request! it got me out of a terrible writer's block. on that note, sorry this took quite some time, I've been in a bit of a funk of on and off general creative block, and unable to finish any writing at all for even longer. this was a pretty fun challenge! I myself view Yancy platonically so I wasn't quite sure where to go with this initially, and I had to fight every urge to just make this heist mark x y/n dfsjsjsv. that said, it did end up being more heist mark-centric than maybe you intended? in which case, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself😔 yancy is there but very briefly haha

Don't you tell me that you never even thought, 'maybe we could run'

2,603 words | Read on AO3

‘We're all gonna be rehearsing tomorrow so youse best get some sleep.’

You nod as you close the gate to yours and Mark's shared cell, stifling a yawn.

‘Goodnight, Yancy.’

You hold each other's gaze for a moment, before he turns and heads off, a tattooed hand over the back of his neck and a sweet smile still on his face. You watch as he disappears into the outer hallway and a guard appears to lock up your cell for the evening.

Your long-time accomplice and friend stands at the edge of your vision, arms folded.

‘Having fun with your new boyfriend, buddy?’ he asks, sounding unimpressed and slightly strained.

‘Oh, shush, Mark,’ you chide, but your stomach flips at the notion.

‘Yeah… Well, while you were busy playing Broadway,’ he glances to either side of the cell outside and continues in a lowered voice, ‘I've been hard at work hatching our escape. And I'm telling you, it's foolproof.’

‘Uh huh. As foolproof as your other three failed plans? I really don't wanna get thrown in solitary again.’

‘Please, that was one time! — and I don't see you bothering to come up with any ideas. Even though you pretty much got us into this mess.’

That accusation ticks you off, but you're quick to retaliate.

‘Are you seriously still hung up on that? How is this my fault? You couldn't fly a helicopter, why would you assume I can? You shouldn't have even presented it as an option!’

Your exclamation earns you a couple looks from other inmates slowly filing into their cells for the night.

‘Nevermind that now,’ Mark says, infuriatingly placatingly, ‘do you wanna hear the plan or not?’

The thread of uncertainty that you've been avoiding coils tight in your chest and you pause, wondering how to bring up what's been nagging at you for days.

‘Um, so, I've been thinking. What if… what if we don't try to escape?’

‘Ha ha. Funny joke, pal.’

‘I'm serious, Mark. We could just… stay here and wait out our sentence, if we play it safe we might even get our time reduced on good behaviour. We could be gone in like a decade. Or a few years! Maybe. Probably. Maybe.’ Wishful thinking, perhaps.

He scoffs, as if the idea isn't even worth considering.

‘There is no way you're genuinely telling me to just wait it out. Maybe you haven't noticed since you've been in la-la land lately, but we're not on vacation, we're in prison,’ Mark spouts, voice growing thick with agitation. ‘What was supposed to be the heist of a lifetime, would've set us up for decades to come, is still on the line! And we're on a bit of a time crunch here — I don't trust that warden guy one bit with the Box, or in general,’ he sneers. ‘I mean what kind of name is Murder-Slaughter? Ugh, do we even know for sure if he still has it?’

‘Yancy mentioned seeing it in his office the last time he was there, which was earlier today, so yeah, probably.’

‘Ugh, there you go again about Yancy. It's always Yancy this, Yancy that, blah blah blah, Yancy!’

‘Wh– I was just answering your question!’

‘Y'know what? I'm sick and tired of being the only one taking this seriously while you act like it's all a big party.’

He places a hand on his hip, the other poking a finger towards you as he speaks. It would be comical, if he wasn't acting like a jerk.

‘What's up with you?’

‘What's up with me? What's up with you? You seriously wanna stay in this— this shithole, ‘cause of what? Some pretty face you've known for all of like, less than two weeks??’

‘Oh my God, Mark, it's not that terrible, and Yancy is actually my friend, he's been nothing but welcoming and kind since we got here, and—’

‘Oh, did you forget that he tried to beat you up when you first met? Real interesting, how you let that little detail slip.’

‘We just got off on the wrong foot, he's really—’

It's then that you see it — something in the slight hunch in his gait, the furrow of his brow, his pursed lips and tense jaw — and you wonder why you hadn't noticed before. It's not just anger and frustration, it's something bitter and personal.

‘Mark… are you jealous?’

Bingo. His eyes only widen a sliver, for a fraction of a second, but you're so used to reading him that even the most imperceptible of reactions on his usually very expressive face have become familiar to you.

‘Psh. I'm not jealous.’

‘You so are jealous! Oh my god, you're super duper jealous,’ you say with a grin, revelling in this new information.

‘Shut up, why would I be jealous?’ he protests, trying to sound nonchalant. But it's too late. You've already seen through it.

‘Is that what this is about?’ you say with a laugh. ‘You just want my attention back or something?’

He stares blankly for a moment.

‘Are you serious right now? You actually think the only reason I'm mad is because some random dude just waltzes in and starts acting all buddy buddy with you and you fall head-over-heels,’ he jeers with his hands either side of his face, fluttering his eyelashes mockingly. ‘Hook, line and sinker.’

‘Mark—’

‘I mean, never mind your partner, right? You know, your best friend who you've known and worked with for years? Who cares what he thinks?!’

‘Mark, I—’

‘In fact, he can get punched through a wall for all you care! You won't even bat an eye, as long as there's a random spontaneous musical number immediately afterwards, it's all in good fun!’

‘Ok, that's not fair,’ you push back. ‘Of course I was worried! But I was also surrounded by violent criminals at the time, we've been over this!’

‘Oh, so they're “violent criminals” now? But they're simply “hurt, misunderstood souls” when it suits you?!’ he shoots back, making air quotes to emphasise his point.

‘They're people, Mark! They're allowed to be… multi-faceted!’

‘Lights out, everybody,’ comes a guard's voice, ringing through the hallway as it suddenly becomes dark, save for the glow of dim lamplight emanating from one or two of the other cells.

‘Whatever, let's just get some sleep,’ Mark grumbles under his breath.

‘You always do this!’ you whisper harshly, but inadvertently let the volume slip back into your voice as you feel your blood boil. ‘You try to cut things off and act like the “bigger person” just to get out of an argument that, newsflash, YOU'RE LOSING.’

‘Oh, whatever, what-f*cking-ever!’

‘You're being so damn overdramatic, Mark! It's not like I'm trying to break up our team.’

‘Yeah, well– well maybe we should!’

You don't know why it jolts you like a gunshot when he says it, but it does. His words, the force and resentment behind them, pierce you to your core. It stops any quick-fire response you had at the ready in its tracks.

Regret immediately flashes across his face, but he quickly attempts to cover it with a steely, hardened gaze. ‘Clearly, we want different things. So maybe it's for the best.’

‘Hey!’ one of the guards calls out from across the hall. ‘Lights out means quiet, you two. Don't make us separate you into different cells.’

With a frustrated huff, you reluctantly traipse off to bed, yours being the lower half of the bunk while Mark settles above you.

It really is a rather decent bed. The mattress is nothing special, but comfortable, and the soft blanket is accompanied by an oddly luxurious, fluffy pillow. Definitely above what you'd expect is probably average prison standards. Frankly, you don't know what Mark's problem is with this place. It's honestly not half bad. As far as you expect jails go, it surely could be a lot worse.

You lay back and let your breathing even out, trying your best to allow some of the bubbling anger to die down. Eventually, you hear the guards leave.

Time passes, it could be minutes or hours; it's not like the passage of time has felt right at all to you since that last heist.

It's silent, save for the sound of your breaths and Mark's above you. You're still upset with him, but the sound of him breathing nearby has always been oddly comforting. The two of you have had plenty of close calls as a pair — even times when you had to patch each other up after jobs that went particularly badly. If you got injured on a heist, you couldn't simply call an ambulance or show up at a hospital in an emergency and risk having your whole operation blown. That was simply the nature of your line of work.

At the worst of times, as long as you could hear those steady, even breaths, you could tell yourself he would pull through, and things would be fine.

You idly watch the mattress above you, letting the rhythm of your friend's breathing become a gentle white noise, and think.

You think about that heist and the Box. Ancient, coveted, mysterious. Sitting atop its perch in the museum vault, in all its glory and allure, practically asking to be stolen. The gleam of the gem encrusted in its surface. You wonder if the prize held within would be worth all of this, if you managed to get it back.

You think about Yancy, a little rough and a little troubled and not seeing much point in trying to kick old habits; but fun and soft and sensitive and full of remorse. You think about the feeling of your hand in his when you practise a routine with him, how his whole face lights up when he's excited or falls when he's sad or pensive. You think about how he has made this penitentiary into a home, and these inmates into a family.

You think about Mark. Silly, stupid, steadfast Mark, snarky and thoughtful and loyal. Who isn't actually as dumb as he lets on. Who is resourceful and quick-thinking when a plan needs to be formed. Who makes bad puns and trusts you whole-heartedly, and who always lets you decide which course of action to take, no matter how much he disagrees, simply due to his unwavering faith in you. Mark, your co-worker, your friend, your partner in crime. Who is maybe a little enamoured with you, despite you trying to ignore it. Who you half-heartedly agreed to go on a date with, not having it in you to turn him down, nor prepared for the guilt that would be eating away at you now.

You think about one of the first things he told you when you landed yourselves at Happy Trails: About how he doesn't belong here, but maybe you do. What if he were to leave and you were to stay? The thought breaks your heart a little.

Then, a whisper from above into the quiet, gently interrupting your thoughts.

‘Hey, you still awake?’

‘...Yeah.’

You hear his voice, soft-spoken, but clear enough that you can hear the sincerity laced into it.

‘I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so worked up.’

‘Yeah, I'm sorry too,’ you reply, matching his volume.

‘And I didn't mean it,’ he says, and you think you hear the slightest tremble in the statement, almost as if he's fighting tears, and for a second you wish you could see his face, ‘what I said before, about uh, splitting up. I know I joke about that kind of thing all the time, and not coming back for you… But you know I don't really mean it, right?’

You've certainly had your doubts in the past, but those moments seem so far away now; footnotes in a slowly unfolding tale, stepping stones on the journey the pair of you have taken together as you worked your way from theft to theft to get to this point. As much as you'd butt heads over the years, you could always count on each other and you always stuck together.

‘Right?’

‘Yeah, I know…’

‘...And, alright, your lack of interest in breaking out aside, maybe I am kinda jealous.’

‘Ha! I knew it.’

‘Yeah, yeah.’ He sighs. ‘It's just… it took us a while to be like we are now and yet, you're suddenly so close to him when it hasn't even been that long, it just doesn't feel fair. I dunno, it's stupid.’

‘Nah, I get it. I'm sorry if I made you feel left behind.

‘And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel pressured into something you're actually just not all that into.’

You feel a bit of tension leave your chest as a small smile appears on your face. ‘I appreciate that.’

In some ways you're grateful for the small bed separating you and preventing you from being face to face. You think it makes this easier for both of you.

‘I don't want to lose you, y'know? I mean, we're supposed to be partners. Ride or die, remember?’

‘Oh, Mark… You know I still trust you with my life…’ You pause, considering your words. ‘For the first time in ages, things feel a little more complicated than just being about us.’

A beat, then you hear him inhale, and he says your name, foregoing any of his usual nicknames.

‘...Are you… happy here? Does he make you happy?’

‘There's things I miss about freedom, sure, but it's not so bad here. And let's face it, our crimes were probably gonna catch up to us eventually, one way or another, right? And Yancy…’ You let out the smallest huff of laughter, smiling to yourself once again. ‘You're right, it hasn't been very long… There's just something about him, I guess. I know he might be a little much at times but I enjoy being around him, and he honestly seems like he wants to make up for things he's done in the past by being here. Maybe nothing will come of this but even so, in a weird way, he kind of makes me want to do better?’

Mark breathes a good-natured huff of laughter as well, and the two of you take a moment to muse on the irony of that sentiment.

‘I just– I can't handle being stuck here,’ he finally says. ‘But you're right, nothing I've tried so far has worked, anyway.’

‘Y'know… Yancy knows all the ins and outs of this place. He could probably help us if we wanted it.’

‘Do you want it?’

Do you want to leave or stay? The real question beneath it all.

You're quiet again, and it feels as if every possibility is laid out before you, only obscured.

‘I don't know,’ you say eventually. ‘I need more time to think. I just don't want you to think I'm making a choice between you or him, there's so many other things I need to consider. That we need to consider.’

‘That's fair… Just don't take too long, ok? Not like we can pause or rewind time, haha.’

‘Right… In the meantime, could you at least try to get along with Yancy and the others? You might like them if you give them a chance.’

‘... Fine, I'll try,’ he acquiesces.

You raise a hand to your mouth to cover a yawn. A far more comfortable silence falls over the room, and you start to feel sleep overtake you.

‘... Hey, Mark?’

‘Yeah?’

‘We're still partners.’

If nothing else, you hope this will reassure him.

‘...Ok. Sweet dreams, partner.’

[armin-supremacy]

trust in me

pairing: lucifer/mammon (seperate) x gn!mc

genre: hurt/comfort

prompt: once again, @sparkbeast20 is a genius. original prompt here.

🫧 part one located here 🫧 part three located here 🫧 final located here 🫧 bonus chapter located here 🫧

You were at a loss.

It had been going on for two weeks today. All the brothers had been avoiding you, some more subtle than others. You'd assume it was just a weird funk. But everytime you tried to do something with them or simply chat, they'd have some excuse and scurry away.

You won't lie, it hurt.

They even skipped out on dinner, claiming they weren't hungry or had just eaten already.

You felt alienated again, just like your first few weeks living with them.

"Why so glum, MC?"

You jumped at the sudden presence, glancing back to meet Solomon's worried gaze. "Hey, Solomon", you greeted.

The sorcerer rose a brow and offered a small smile. "You didn't answer my question."

"They boys have been avoiding for the past two weeks", you began. Solomon watched as your expression saddened. "I don't know what I did, but eveytime I try to fix it, they suddenly have plans."

Solomon thought for a moment. "Think that nightmare effected them more than we assumed?"

You perked up immediately, brows furrowed in confusion.

"Nightmare? What are you talking about?"

Solomon looked at you in surprise. "Oh you weren't aware? Apparently they all had the same nightmare. By the looks of it, it left quite the impression."

"What nightmare?" You questioned. Then you shook your head. "Wait. How do you know anyway?"

"That would explain why Satan-" he began to mutter to himself.

"Solomon!" You cut him off. You were becoming desperate. The boys were your family. You can't stand them avoiding you like this.

Solomon cleared his throat. "Satan came to me a few days ago asking about certain connections with pacts and if they can be affected or affect dreams."

Solomon continued.

"When I asked why he wanted to know, he said he and the others shared a nightmare at the same time." he stated. He let out a small sigh. "Sadly, I couldn't be of any help. I've never heard nor experienced such a thing."

"Did he tell you the nightmare?" you questioned. Solomon nodded, giving you a hum in response. You bit your lip. "Can you tell me about it?"

Something passed in Solomon's expression. Worry? Concern? "I don't think that's a good idea."

You hesitate. It must be awful if Solomon was so hesitant to tell you. Usually he'd jump on the opportunity to spill what he knows about them, wanting to watch the outcome of the information he'd shared with you.

"Please? I need to know what's got them so shaken up."

Solomon sighed out. He gave you a sad smile. "Alright. But please tell me to stop if you get too upset."

You nodded. You felt bad because you wouldn't do that. You had to know what they were going through.

After Solomon explained, in great detail at that, the nightmare Satan had relayed to him, you felt like you were going to throw up.

No wonder they were avoiding you. It was then, your heart began to weigh heavy. The puzzle was piecing together.

It all made sense.

Lucifer suddenly taking on more work, locking himself away in his office. Mammon flinching everytime you told him to hand you something, even though it was never a command. Leviathan and Satan both tensing eveytime you called their names. Asmodeus never meeting your eyes anymore. Beelzebub speaking in cautious sentences whenever you ask him something, as of you'll suddenly slip a switch. Belphegor not speaking at all, only giving you a nod or shake of his head when you managed to get a sentence to him.

Now you know why.

So one by one, you weren't going to stop until you had fixed the situation.

It was only fitting the oldest be the first you make amends with. You stood in front of his office, your hand up ready to knock on the door.

With a deep breath, you knocked. "Lucifer? Can we talk?"

You received no answer. You knocked once more. Again, no response. This was normal for Leviathan. But Lucifer? Not at all.

You pushed the door, peeking inside. Lucifer sat at his desk, not even noticing you had entered his space.

"Lucifer?"

Your voice startled him. His gaze quickly shifted to you, his body slightly relaxing to see it wasn't someone unpleasant waltzing in. He cleared his throat slightly. "MC. I'm sorry, but now isn't the best time-"

"Lucifer please? Just for a moment?"

Your voice was soft and pleading. Damnit. He couldn't say no. Lucifer had no excuse this time. He gave a nod and you brightened.

Progress.

"What's on your mind?"

"I talked to Solomon", you began. If it wasn't for the fact you knew Lucifer better than anyone else, especially thanks to the pact, you would've missed how his body tensed. How he tried to hard to keep an nonchalant expression.

"That's good. Diavolo will be more than thrilled to hear you've been more social with others in the program-"

"I know about the nightmare, Lucifer." You saddened. "Why didn't you all talk to me? Do you...do you really think I'm that cruel?"

Your voice broke. You couldn't help it. You cherished them. You thought you told each other everything.

"Of course not, MC." Lucifer assured quickly. For a moment, he forgot his fear from the nightmare. He was blind to see how the actions of him and his brothers would affect you.

"Then why?" You questioned.

Lucifer froze. Why? Simply because of the power you held over them. How easily you could make them succumb. It was something he and his brothers had never faced.

And the reality shook him.

Yet, the longer he looked at your pained expression, the more he could see it was wrong. You were right. They should have talked to you.

"It was quite a scare, I won't lie", Lucifer said gently. "We've never had pacts with such strong connections like this."

You looked to the ground. "Do you want to be released from the pact?"

He just barely caught what you had said. "No!"

You jumped, startled at his sudden outburst. Lucifer cleared his throat. "No, MC. I have no problems with our pact."

"If it cause you guys such distress like this, I don't want to force you guys to remain in these pacts with me", you explained.

And you meant it. You never used your pacts to force the boys to do something. Yes, you did use them to scold them at times. but never just to 'torture' or belittle them.

Then. he gave you a smile. A genuine smile.

"MC...." he paused. "I can't think of anyone more worthy to have a pact with."

One amend down, six more to go.

You paced in front of Mammon's room. Out of all the brother's, he avoided you most. Though he didn't try to even hide it.

Get away from you as fast as possible. That's his thought process right now.

It had been a few hours since you'd made up with Lucifer. He'd mentioned Mammon was taken the situation hardest. Having a soft spot for the second born, you decided to take your shot with him next.

You heard shuffling on the other side of the hall, perking up to see who was coming your way. "Mammon!"

His name fell from your lips before you could stop yourself. Mammon looked up from his D.D.D in surprise. The moment his eyes laid on you, he took off in the other direction.

"Wait! Mammon stop!" The command was said before you could stop yourself. His pact mark on your wrist flickered, forcing Mammon to stop in place.

"Shit, no! Mammon", you said hurrying over in a panic. You moved in front of him and your heart fell to your stomach. The sight was heartbreaking. "I-I promise I didn't mean to."

Mammon stared back at you with wide eyes, a single tear running down his cheek. You reached up, but froze when he flinched away. You stepped back, quickly giving him his space.

"I'm so sorry. You can move."

The pact mark flickered again, just for a moment. releasing Mammon from the command. Though, he didn't move.

Mammon was terrified.

It's no secret he had it worse than the others. Constantly punished and ridiculed. But you were never like that with him. Mammon never had a worry or fear when it came to you.

Until now.

"Mammon, please."

Your voice broke. You could feel your own eyes began to tear up. You hated seeing Mammon like this. Especially because of you. It wasn't him.

"Did I do something, MC?"

The question broke your heart. You shook your head without hesitation. "Of course not! I just want to fix this."

Mammon shifted on his feet. "There's nothin' to fix."

You sighed out. "I know about the nightmare you all had."

Mammon tensed again. The nightmare. He'd had the same one almost every night. He even went to Belphegor for help but to no avail.

It always came back to that terrifying scene.

To that terrifying you.

Cautiously, you reached up to caress his cheek. The touch broke him from his mini trance. He almost melted into your warmth.

Oh how he'd missed this.

"Can I hug you, please?"

You knew Mammon desired physical comfort more than anything. The feel a loving touch. You would ask. You wouldn't force him. You wouldn't just take it. Especially with this situation going on.

He's always adored that trait about you.

Mammon gave a hesitated nod. You smiled.

Progress.

You wasted no time to pull Mammon close, letting him hide his face in your shoulder. He felt so stupid. He was your first. He knew you better than all of his brothers.

He knows you'd never do something so cruel.

"I'm sorry. MC..."

You shook your head. Your hands rubbed his back comfortably, feeling his body slowly begin to relax against yours. "Just continue to trust in me."

Two down, five to go.

~~~~~

obviously this is gonna have to be a three parter. it was much much longer than anticipated 😅 much much thanks to @sparkbeast20 for letting me expand on your idea again 💕 I hope it met your expectations

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #256

I think I must still be in a bit of a funk. I don't feel quite as bad off as yesterday, but it's still not great, for reasons I don't fully understand.

Well, that's all right. I still went to work, and I still had a pretty great time there. I made cookies and turnovers today, and Ma put the turnovers into nice, neat little boxes:

I spent most of today bagging different kinds of breads and rolls, though, which was also nice. Bread has a lovely smell to it. The routine tasks and the nice smells are a boon to my frazzled brain. I think I must be more overwhelmed from a variety of things than I thought.

...I keep looking for you in various little ways, but lately, I guess it's kinda hard to find things that aren't... weird. In a lot of places, people depict you in a variety of cynical, cruel, and just... generally very unhealthy ways, as though you were violent, vicious, and mean from the very moment you took your first breath, and... I dunno. I guess it's disheartening and disconcerting. I've been spending less time in the various places online that I used to frequent, because of it.

...The uncertainty of whether or not any of the things I've tried to do for your sake will pull through is also feeling relatively unbearable at the moment, for some reason. Three years is a long time to withstand not knowing whether or not someone I've come to care deeply for, someone around whom I've tried to model the kind of person I want to be, will simply up and vanish from existence.

The idea that you might disappear instead of heal and move on terrifies me. The idea of watching you be mercilessly slaughtered a second time... it terrifies me.

...I'll get through it, though, so don't you worry about me. After all, what other choice have I got?

When I returned home, J was absent; he was supposed to go see a demolition derby somewhere I guess, but he changed his mind and went on a walk with one of his friends instead. He took some pictures for you along the way; he captured some pictures of a cute little snake, and some pictures of raindrops on leaves:

...You are loved. And not just by me. Do you see...?

...

I thought I was going to play some Dead Cells today, but J had a lesson at Great Barrington and he wanted me to come along, so I did. He drove, but... I wasn't really inspired by the scenery. I managed to snap a couple of relatively decent ones, but... I dunno...

...I guess I'm not really feeling especially proud of these today. But I hope you like them at least a little, anyway.

I think I might go to bed early. My brain has had enough of today, and I think I'm probably hoping that tomorrow I'll wake up and stop feeling so weird.

...Hey. I know you said that you've endured hell and so you're not afraid of death anymore. But like. Don't... don't give up and just die without putting yourself in a position where you can learn what heaven is like. It's out there. And I know it's out there, because I didn't used to think it was out there, either. And then, against all odds, and with a little bit of work, it kind of plopped in my lap unexpectedly. And I've been doing everything in my power to maintain it ever since.

...I know heaven is real because there's heaven at my house. And I know it, even on icky days like today, when it's hard to see. I know it because I practiced looking for it. Because finding heaven where you look is a skill that can be practiced, like any other. Cultivating a mindset that leads to heaven dropping unexpectedly into your lap is a skill that can be practiced, like any other.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow. So please keep yourself safe out there. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

[emotionallychargedtowel]

shuffled (sort of)

I was tagged for this by @lurkingshan and it looked like fun, so I made up a way to participate even though I don't listen to music on any of those services that people tend to use for these things. The closest I get is listening to things on youtube so I made a list of songs the YT algorithm suggested to me. That list was a bit long so I used a random number generator to pick ten. Well, I really hit paydirt. I couldn't have come up with a better list if I had chosen it all myself.

And then weeks went by and I sat on this nearly-finished post for no good reason! Now I'm dusting it off and getting it out of my drafts.

I'm never big on tagging people on these things, it makes me incredibly anxious. But after this much time has passed, I really can't imagine doing it. That said, if anyone reads this and feels inspired to do it too, please consider yourself tagged.

Orange Juice - I Can’t Help Myself

One of the best tracks on my favorite Orange Juice album. This is a really good distillation of their sound that shows their influences really clearly (postpunk, classic soul, the Velvet Underground, Chic, the Buzzcocks, etc. etc.) while showing how they did something with them that's completely their own. It doesn't hurt that no one sounds quite like Edwyn Collins.

SZA - Ghost in the Machine

For a couple of years now I've been trading song recommendations with a close friend of mine. In other words, we take turns giving each other a song to listen to. It's been great, in part because our tastes are pretty danged different (though with enough overlap to have common ground). I've found out about a lot of amazing stuff through her but I don't think there's a song that has stuck with me more from this project than Ghost in the Machine. This song just keeps giving me goosebumps after...it's been a year and change, I think.

Taemin - Criminal

Years ago I asked my old internet friend Kate (who I've been interacting with since our livejournal days) about kpop. She has always been better than I am at keeping up with new music and I knew she knew a thing or two about it. She gave me a short list of songs to check out and Criminal was on it. It didn't quite click at first but it stuck in my brain somehow. I came back to it later and boom. It clicked big time. It reminds me of a few things. The la-la-la part definitely has a debt to Kylie Minogue's Can't Get You Out of My Head and the lead-up to the chorus reminds me of Roy Orbison's I Drove All Night. It has a retro quality that probably makes it more palatable to a middle-aged listener like myself but when I hear the synthpop tones of my childhood through a contemporary filter I don't get nostalgia so much as a distorted time-warp feeling (in a nice way).

Brave Girls - We Ride

A while back I was emailing back and forth with another friend of mine who I talk to about music a lot--wow, I didn't know that was going to be such a theme here, but I love it--and we were talking about new and old East Asian pop genres. He made me a list of a few recent kpop and jpop songs that he thought were reminiscent of city pop, an 80s genre out of Japan that's a favorite of his. There were quite a few winners on that list but this song is the one I've listened to the most. There's another theme: sounds from my formative years filtered through a contemporary lens. I can see why my friend associated it with city pop. The combination of disco/funk elements (like that choppy Nile Rodgers guitar part) and soft pop (the harmonies, the synth strings) fits right into that category. These elements were everywhere when I was a kid but they didn't get put together in this way.

Tsunami - Be Like That

This song about a has-been ex-boyfriend is more relatable to me in my 40s than it was when I first heard it in my 20s, but that's how old Jenny Toomey was when she wrote it. I've never gotten super into Tsunami despite liking a couple of their songs quite a lot (this one, and Valentine, from their album Deep End). I should probably revisit them. They always had a way with washy guitars and interesting chords, and Jenny Toomey's voice is legendary for a reason. (The version of I Only Have Eyes for You that she recorded with Grenadine, her side project with Mark Robinson from Unrest and the drummer from the Eggs, makes really good use of that voice. It's fucking exquisite and literally gives me goosebumps.)

Spoon - Me and the Bean

This one's a bit personal. I was active in the indie rock scene in Austin in the early 'aughts when Spoon was transitioning from their status as a cautionary tale of major label abandonment* into the period where they reached greater heights on an indie than that major label ever would have allowed. That scene wasn't very big so it's not surprising that in addition to Girls Can Tell-era Spoon being nearly omnipresent for a period of my life, I also have some personal connections there. Anyway, people seldom notice that this song is a cover. I never saw the Sidehackers, the band who originally performed the song (I'm not sure if they even managed to record it). But if this song ends up being what people remember most about them, it would make a respectable legacy. I don't know the later Spoon stuff as well as this era, but back then, there weren't a lot of Spoon originals that were as overtly emotional as this one. (You didn't typically hear a line like "I have your blood inside my heart" in an original Spoon song.) Britt Daniel may not have written this, but he doesn't hold back in his performance. So I always appreciated how it balanced out the more emotionally reserved style of the other songs on Girls Can Tell.

*They channeled the experience into songwriting to good effect. "The Agony of Lafitte," about the A&R guy that signed them to Elektra before the label screwed them over, is probably my favorite Spoon song.

the Chills - Pink Frost

I feel like so much has been written about this song that there isn't much point trying to say anything about it. It has a truly important place in the history of New Zealand indie music, and the events surrounding it are pretty interesting. But mostly it's just a really well-crafted piece of dark, sneakily poppy post-postpunk. Among people my age with similar tastes to mine, I can't think of a song that ended up on more mixtapes. (Though a friend of mine always used to say he regretted that he couldn't really put it on mixtapes for girls he was interested in because of the whole murdered girlfriend aspect of it.)

Veronica Falls - Misery

This song is obscenely catchy. It only takes one listen to get me singing it to myself in the kitchen for months. It's pretty fun to sing to oneself, in the kitchen or otherwise, but I'm sure it would be a million times more so if you could reproduce the harmonies with a partner. Veronica Falls really are unparalleled in the harmony department, and it's even more enjoyable because they usually use those pretty harmonies to sing about morbid, depressing things. And that juxtaposition never feels like a schtick to me, which it easily could in the wrong hands.

Bolbbalgan4 - Dream

I've gotten into quite a few songs because they were featured on kdramas, but this is the only song where it happened the other way around—I liked it first, then watched Hwarang because of it. There was a video for it on youtube with clips from the series and the song made the show seem more interesting. Not to imply anything negative about the series, I think there's a lot to be said for it. But it was this song that made me want to watch it. I love this kind of super emotional kpop song that's so plentiful in kdramas. Maybe it's because during the decades when rock music was de facto banned in South Korea the country's dominant genre was the ballad. Maybe it's because of that particular brand of despair that kdramas excel at so much, coming up in a slightly different setting. This type of song is just more emotional in a certain way that any other genre I've run across. And this particularly example is, to my mind, the pièce de résistance.

Shearwater - Breaking the Yearlings

This is one of the highlights of Animal Life, which is my favorite Shearwater album. It took me a while to warm up to Shearwater. The thing that really sold me on them was going on a whim to see Jonathan Meiburg play a solo acoustic set in front of a tiny audience at the Cactus Cafe. I think maybe some friends of mine opened for him or something, because something must have gotten me in the door. I ended up being really glad I went. Meiburg's set was downright mesmerizing, and I was sold on Shearwater from that point on. This particular song gets in my head a lot because the washing machine in my building puts out this one repetitive tone when you're starting a load of clothes that is really close to the opening notes of this song.

[cha-melodius]

Weekend WIP Game

You say WIP game and I say "you son of a bitch, I'm in!" Thanks for dreaming this up, @welcometololaland!

1. WIP List: listing only WIPs that actually have text written and are not abandoned lol. I have a lot of to-be-written prompts, but I'm not including them here.

False Dichotomy (firstprince, aka the You've Got Mail AU)

Noir PI AU (firstprince)

Kissed Out (firstprince, pro billiards AU)

Modern magic AU (firstprince)

The Thief Who Stole My Heart (napollya, art thief/gallery owner)

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

False Dichotomy at 18k written so far (4 of ~11 chapters?)

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

Also False Dichotomy, which I'm guessing will be >50k but honestly that's a very rough number.

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

Probably False Dichotomy, though it's almost by default because I don't tend to jump around between WIPs too much. But I love the story I've set up and it has a lot of great scenes.

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

Probably the noir AU, because I feel like it needs to have a particular noir vibe that will be tough to capture.

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

Right now? Surprisingly the modern magic AU. Idk I'm in a bit of a funk and not super happy with anything I'm writing, and particularly this fic. But I have 3k written so I might as well finish it and yeet it out.

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

These days I get @celeritas2997 and @cricketnationrise to read through most of my rwrb fics. It's especially good for longer fics like False Dichotomy, and that one will have the most tricky moments in it too.

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

Not exactly? I've just set a few of them aside while I focus on others.

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

LMAO well False Dichotomy includes Kyle, who is an OC I made up originally for a missing moment in Please Don't Let Me Be So Understood (he's not even in the actual fic), but now he gets to be a real character in this one. He's a queer kid who lives at the Okonjo shelter and works at Alex's bookstore (and occasionally Coney Island lol).

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

Definitely Kissed Out, which is based on an enemies/rivals AND lovers premise and is earmarked to include lots of scorching smut.

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

False Dichotomy will probably have the most sustained angst. I think Kissed Out will have possibly the most intense angst, and the noir AU will have the most peril-based angst.

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

ALL OF THEM. 😂 Oh so humble, I know. But seriously, I hope they all will be.

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

I think it's going to be the noir AU, can't wait to really dig into the scenery of that one. It will have a really different vibe that I hope will be unique and exciting.

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

Thus far, False Dichotomy I've put the most work into.

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

Broken record here, but False Dichotomy. Sometimes I feel like they're too high. People seem very excited. I feel a not insignificant amount of pressure.

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

Can't say that I have lol.

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

Not really! Most of my wips right now are pretty straightforward, in the end.

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

The modern magic AU, probably. Definitely the silliest and crackiest of the lot.

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

No different POVs here. False Dichotomy is going to have a little interesting side exploration of Raf and Alex's relationship that isn't something I've really gotten into before.

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

HMMMMM. If you're a You've Got Mail movie fan, I think you will be quite surprised at some of the turns in the AU. No, I'm not going to tell more than that yet lol.

Ok, I'm trying to tag people not tagged in the first post, and spreading to new fandoms. Questions for artists below! @petrodobreva, @sherryvalli, @liminalmemories21, @myheartalivewrites, @leaves-of-laurelin, @celaestis1, @historicallysam, @14carrotghoul, @xthelastknownsurvivorx, @treluna4, @adreamareads, @cheesecurdsgravyandfries, @ikeepwatchinghelicopters, @nicijones, @thetamehistorian, @loki-is-my-kink-awakening, @dewdropreader, @hummingbee-o0o, @wolfpup026, @natendo-art, @dreamycloud, @heytheredeann, @mirilyawrites, @jettestar, @sweatersinthesummer, AND anyone who wants to jump in!

A list of questions for Artists!

1. WIP List:

2. Which WIP is your most complex?

3. Do any of your WIPs involve you using a technique/style that you haven't used before? What inspired you to try it?

4. Which WIP do you expect will take you the longest?

5. Which WIP are you finding the most enjoyable to create?

6. Do you have a favourite character to draw/stitch/paint/depict? Are they in many of your WIP projects?

7. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of creator's block?

9. Do any of your WIPs contain characters outside the main ship? How are you finding creating those?

10. What emotions are you hoping to convey through your WIPs?

11. Are there any features/details you are finding challenging in your WIPs?

12. Which WIP has the most complex shading/colouring?

13. Which WIP has the most complex background?

14. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for?

15. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

16. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other art doesn't?

17. Are any of your WIPs commissions?

18. Do you have a character that is more difficult to draw/stitch/paint/depict? Are they in many of your WIP projects?

19. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 108 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I feel like I'm doing way too much today yet there's still a part of me thinking I'm the laziest pos on the face of the planet.

I hope I can get out of this funk..

Church lady is denying another girl access to me so she can get items I offered to her to send away to her family in the Philippines.

Apparently that's unacceptable and I can't help or talk to ANYONE unless it's through her. Gross, disturbed behaviour for a 70 something year old woman.

Shame on her..

I just added a bunch of stuff on facebook marketplace to sell today, I'm sick of waiting for help.

I'm never going to get it at this rate. I'm dragging these big pieces of furniture around by myself, trying to sell everything I own. I'm made feel like mine and my mom's personal items are worthless because I can't barely get anyone to come get anything or inquire even. Some of her stuff was lots of money and me asking 10 for a 20 dollar item and so on should be great, but it's not.

It's so hard to clean all this up by myself and store things for people who may or may not come when they say they will or ever.

But you have no choice, you need the money. So you live on a whim of hopefully they respond or show up.

I'm in this get rid of everything mentality and I think it's a good thing. I feel like shits going to hit the fan at some point here and I might be forced to leave my apartment. Last thing I want is a bunch of bags/boxes of garbage to drag around with me, you know?

Less is better in the long run. Only keep what's important, the rest is unimportant.

If I don't hurry up I overthink too much and it gets overwhelming, so throwing stuff out on these days is great because you finally get it done. It just sucks that I finally get the energy to get up and accomplish something. Especially going through my mom's dresser as I just about lost my mind the last few times I went near it. I finally did it and this woman won't drive this young girl a few minutes to pick up a small bag from me because I told her I didn't want her signing me up for programmes at church that I wasn't even aware of I was being signed up for?

How is that fair?

What did the young girl do?

How is this a Christian woman??

Making a young girl suffer because she wants to punish me?

Wretched horrible woman..

Sad part is this will hurt me more because these are people who have been kind to me and she's hurting them now to get back at me because she's a baby and has unresolved issues that she needs to stop putting on others.

Grow up and take responsibility..

Why does a 31 year old woman have to teach her elders common sense and decency?

I guess these bags just sit here tonight then, but I guess I cleared out mine and my mom's dressers today so that's good - still sucks though.

What is wrong with this world, ugh...

I have to clean this apartment up and get this room set up so I can advertise I need a roommate. I have nobody helping with this, everyone talks a big talk until something really has to be done and you see their true colours. I've asked everyone church wise and even at my apartment building - guys want sexual favours and the women are either older or crippled. I literally contacted a random dude on Facebook for help and

Every

Single

One

Of

Them

Agree

Then

Make

An

Excuse

Last

Minute

Nobody follows through so I guess it's just me literally on my own now, so much for if you need me call me. Nobody responds to me any way.

Kinda scary thinking about a stranger living in your house with you to be honest, but I have no choice.

All of this will be done because I figure it out and do it though, I don't have any hope help is coming in the form of people any longer.

~Jenni

[veryflirtytransportalate]

< Previous > . . . < Next >

"I'm calling it right here. This world can officially bite my ass." - Sizz'el the Lone Survivor, a nickname she did not get to pick

Throwback to a punch-up I got into a little while ago - you can tell because I hadn't yet trusted a random settler at Starlight Drive-In to laser the tattoo off my eye yet. I loved that tattoo, glad it's gone. You can't imagine how much easier my self image cultivation has become since building all those little towns in the Commonwealth! Preston thinks we're a civil defense oriented militia, meanwhile I had to send back the first test print of t-shirts for "Sexy Sizz'el's Pure Water & Mutfruit Emporium". Every so often they have a chore for me, but when that isn't the case and my knuckles need dusting, I don't usually have to wait long.

On this particular day I'd bopped down to Concord to go shoot some photos at the old museum when what do I spy with my little eyes but a whole bunch of guys just waiting to die. So, I changed into the Silver Shroud outfit I've been lugging around and did a couple kinds of shooting. I don't understand why raiders attack on site - I've mowed down hundreds of them by now. Who's doing their intel? I know they hang out as raider groups but how?! Even when I look just like them I get a laser hello. I look better in this fit though, which is good, because I have tried to throw it away like two dozen times. Piper insists I don't throw out this old nasty costume. I literally can't even fit my head in the hat, but she insists, "It's priceless, it's an heirloom, there's a radio show about it," which, that show is... not good. I literally can't put it down. Someone help me.

The museum is apparently some kind of hotspot, but ever since I took the power armor (shout out to my Atom Cats, meow you wild sons of kittens) and the minigun it's like... for what? Tacky outfits and rotten wood? But, what do I know. I'm just the single most brilliant business woman and devastating bombshell this wasteland has seen since... I'd... like to... rephrase, that last thought.

(Outfit credits, my thoughts, and a few more shots below the cut.)

< Previous > . . . < Next >

I'm pretty sure Sizz'el is wearing crimsomrider's 1950's Feminine Outfits (opens in new tab), Silver Shroud with stockings. The large caliber rifle is the Modular Simonov PTRS-41 by kazumamqi (opens in new tab), and the laser on the bottom is the CROSS_BreakActionLaser by Niero (opens in new tab). Phew, that was a lot of 'um this time, jeez.

I wander into Concord from time to time, whenever I want to just relax and kick back with the combat side of the game. A couple of Brotherhood of Steel dudes plopped in at the end and cleaned up, which was fine, I guess. We're not hostile with each other... I wanna say "yet", but, to be decided.

I like the feeling of combat in Fallout 4, but as you can imagine, I've made a number of major modifications. First, which I've shared before, I've completely rebalanced damage (and have to continuously to make it stay balanced): I, the player, deal a 3x more damage than normal. Everyone else deals 5x more. I love the feeling of games like S.T.A.L.K.E.R. and Far Cry 2 (with that one mod) - when the time between seeing someone and being dead is a breath.

With that in place, I also made two major mechanical changes: first and less impactful is the removal of an AP cost to sprinting, thanks to Unlimited Sprint by TroyIrving (opens in new tab). Sprinting is already an inherent tactical decision, costing precious time, and removing your ability to reload or fire. When the game was slower and more about draining health pools, it made sense to limit this to a gauge... maaaaybe? I think AP draining sprinting is a funking dumb choice in basically any version of this game, but, I'm not a professional game developer so, what do I know.

Second, and this is the big one... bullet time. I use V.A.F.S. Redux by Itzal713 (opens in new tab). I love bullet time. I love it so much. Stranglehold is actually a childhood favorite of mine. I think it's so cool to dip and dodge and do cool stuff like jump over a table and then fire on someone, and it also makes taking pictures in the middle of a fire fight way easier. It's not balanced. It's just fun.

So it's easy to die, bullet time, added some big weapons... I never thought of it before but I've kind of turned Fallout 4 into F.E.A.R. 1. And everybody loves the combat in that game, so... win for me. I rule. Go me.

< Previous > . . . < Next >

[northwest-cryptid]

Do you want to share any of the jazz and funk artists or songs you have been listening to lately?

I hardly ever share music since throughout my whole life I've been basically judged for my taste in music, with people going so far as to literally get into my car and say "do we have to listen to this crap?" Before just turning off my radio, which has as you can imagine; done a number on my confidence in sharing music I enjoy.

That being said I don't mind sharing some stuff. I will say though that I don't think it's sorta, "for everyone" in that a lot of the stuff I listen to is kinda experimental and while I might enjoy it I don't think everyone will. Which is fine, just ya know; don't go shitting on me for it.

Anyways I also don't think I'm any kind of snob who's better than others because I like weird shit or whatever, I like what I like.

I've been listening to a lot of Cosmo D's(?) work, they made the Off-Peak series which is a set of games I've enjoyed for some years now, aesthetically they're just funny and neat to me. However the music introduced me to more atmospheric experimental vibes like this:

I'd argue it's weird to me that the song doesn't even start proper until about 2 minutes into the nearly 8 minute song. However I genuinely love how each instrument or sound slowly joins in to make the song feel more full.

Now full disclosure I actually don't know if Cosmo D and Archie Pelago are the same person, because as far as I know Cosmo D is a solo dev for the games, so they'd also do the music? However the music for Off-Peak (the first game) is credited to Archie Pelago (which I believe is Cosmo D, but I could be wrong).

One of my favorite tracks from Off-Peak is Mortified by Faith. It's literally just an atmospheric experimental jazz track that goes on for like 9 minutes but it's really neat to me.

Now a big thing with me is that outside of a specific few genres I'm actually shit about following like, artists and such. A lot of the times I will find music through videos like this that have collections of music from a specific genre; and admittedly they tend to be a bit hit or miss with me as a whole but some of the stand out tracks I do like are genuine bangers to me

I found this track via one of those collection videos and it just really stuck with me. I don't even know why I like it so much it's just a great chill vibe, if a little repetitive.

I've also found a ton of artists people might associate more with various other genres like Vaporwave or Future Funk but I enjoy them as Jazzy Funk music all the same.

This is one I often play in the background when I'm working:

I find it generally non-intrusive to my brain when I'm trying to focus.

And now coming out of left field without any warning, this fucking absolute banger collection from Funk Fiction:

I have been listening to a lot of old Dreamcast music and such which has lead my youtube algorithm to recommend stuff like this and while I may not be a fan of sonic stuff these days, I grew up with the original games (as well as SA 1 and 2) so a lot of these tracks being made into chilled out jazz or funk songs really hit home with me when I'm sitting around drawing or vibing and working on 3D modeling/avatar work.

I listen to a lot of stuff depending on my mood, and I find that even within loose genre umbrellas I listen to a lot of different styles. So I hope this wasn't super disappointing lol

[misquigleya]

GET TO KNOW THE AUTHOR.

name: char 'cause i never considered lottie being a viable nickname of charlotte like a dumbass lmfao

pronouns: she/her but really i do not care <3

preference of communication: discord only 'cause i'm never logged into mobile tumblr longer than enough to check for replies, draft them, and give the dash a quick scroll before fuckin' off to tiktok or whatever app. but i'm always logged in via discord mobile, plus it's just easier and we can pin important shit or not important shit. too long of an answer for this rip sorry.

most active muse: currently hyperfixated on all of my yj muse's, but i'd have to say it's a toss up between misty and van ( found over on the multi @ darkconsumed ) but literally could shift with the wind at any given moment. let me yell about them all.

experience/how many years: eleven years ( i've seen some shit on this site okay... ) as of feb. of this year. i'm old as hell, even more tired, and i just wanna vibe and write with y'all. all spent on this site mind you; started off in various RPG's before switching to indie in late 2012, early 2013.

best experience: honestly this fandom has been a great way to get me out of a writing funk/block that i had been experiencing for like...months before i finally watched yj. you all have been great and welcoming and put up with listening to me ramble and defend this cute lil blonde nerd. i've had the most fun in this fandom than i have in a long while and that's saying something as i've been in many fandoms over the years. but yea...this fandom has felt like coming home after a long trip <3

rp pet peeves: i'm old RP wise so i got me a good...500 mile long report of pet peeves lol but the biggest are no rules page, no information when it's a oc(s), flat out not reading my own rules 'cause i can tell when they have not been read ( folks with -0 information on their blogs and or no links leading to said information like...tell me you followed without reading rules without telling me ), i don't know why it's still such a thing in the year of our toad 2023, but vague posting. it just makes all the vibes go to shit real quick and no thank. there are many more but i will keep from sounding like an old person on their porch yellin' at the wind.

plots or memes: both? both is good. i don't know what it is with memes, but i tend to have a habit of basing a plot off a meme and wind up with a bitchin' plot that makes sense. memes are also, in my opinion, a great way to break the ice and get everyone involved relaxed enough to reach out. also i hoard memes for the days drafts are a big no and my brain is mush, but not mush enough to do memes. if that makes sense lol

long or short replies: i am go with the motion of the ocean kinda gal. if you give me semi-para, i'm gonna give it right back. sometimes i can word vomit ( sorry not sorry joey ) 'cause the muse be takin' over. but i also don't mind doing shorter replies / one para replies. so long as it's more than like two complete sentences, i'm chill.

are you like your muse: i could lie and say no, but i am. not completely, but there are bits and pieces of misty that are also very much char. it's part of the reason why i picked her up as a muse because i was able to relate to her ( struggling to make friends, not knowing how to go about it, feeling like an outsider even though technically apart of a team, etc. ) it's also why i try to give her a loud enough voice to be heard and listened to over the others. because i can acknowledge her faults and in some instances, so can misty herself, but there's also well, what would you have done? in there as well. like...she's fucked up and flawed but so are the others who tend to think they're above her and the things she's done when in reality they're not. and i don't know but there's just something about that that is so relatable that i can connect to at some degree. but also including the multi, i'm very much like van like...i will yell about movies and pop culture bullshit if ever given the chance.

tagged by: @enr4ged tagging: @dogtccth / @fullrigor / @wildernesslost / @antlermotifs / @crosseddestiny & anyone else <3

[fragileizy]

alright here's the dilemna i'm having bc it's a real one and i want to talk about it so that we're all on the same page and whatever. put away the red string. i have a headache (still feeling rather sick) and i'm getting brain fog so my mermay entry for tomorrow hasn't even been started yet (eep) but... we stay silly.

i'm having issues buying stuff for myself.

my birthday is in like three days and i haven't bought anything for myself at all. zilch. nada. yesterday was one of the roughest days in existence and i don't know why—- was it a combination of this sick? and feeling unheard by my parents? feeling unliked? i genuinely have no idea. yesterday was really rough and i remember just sitting on my bed like ._. staring off into space as the bad thoughts just kept circulating my head like a cloud. if i were a cartoon character, i would've had spiral eyes.

anyway, my parents and i went to go watch the little mermaid yesterday. i'm glad bc it got me out of my funk. i've got to say, it was really good. i think cinderella might still be the best live action they've done to date, but this one? genuinely solid. i wish mulan had been like this. they descecrated the magic out of mulan. anyway, highly recommend watching it. it's cute. it's very disney. colorful, good singing (she didn't sound autotuned, unlike belle did in beauty and the beast, who was rich in autotune) and the guy's hair was soft and i wish to touch. it's got a lot of magic in it, so that's why i'm saying it's super disney, and stuff. it gave me so much inspiration to write. cinderella still takes the cake for whimsical and magical, though! but whatever.

right okay so, back to feeling bad.

i haven't gotten the courage to buy myself anything because i'm stuck. my mom told me that i'm not getting anything for my birthday, so to not expect anything (anything big, at least, she'll probably buy a nice dinner), but i have my own money so i can buy it myself. the problem is, i'm so conscient that retail therapy isn't giving me any lick of excitement that i'm completely unmotivated to do so. at the same time, i'm aware that it's not every day you turn 25. i don't want to look back and go "man, i wish i had actually celebrated my 25th," which i know i'll do if i don't even get myself anything.

but there's nothing that i want. even if there is something i want, it doesn't feel real or genuine an it's not going to make me excited and thankful. it'd be a chore. what a privilege! to consider a birthday gift a chore! i guess that's just the depression.

i feel exhausted. and i feel like whatever i buy comes through the mail i won't be excited about in the slightest, which is so sad and so disappointing.

anyway. time to force myself to get something for my birthday.

[ufuckingpastry]

I've been feeling in a rough patch lately and most of it's manifested in insecurities and a general lack of motivation to work on any writing projects. I haven't touched PB since I put it on hiatus. I came up with a really fun writing series that just petered off into nothing. I've barely progressed and done anything, even though I'm having all these cool story ideas!

If you've been here for a while, you might've noticed that I stopped writing a couple years back, right around when Homestuck ended. Homestuck was the first major fandom I was in and the first one I posted fanfic for. My AO3 has 50 works just for Homestuck. And, when it ended, it felt like so did my desire to create.

Of course, this was right around my last year of college and ohhhhh fuck that was stressful. Plus I got really into WoW too. I didn’t really have much time to write in general.

I struggled for 3 years feeling like I could barely write anything at all. I was in such a depressive funk at the time, and the feeling like I couldn't create only worsened it. It took me 3 months to write 1000 words.

And then, one day, something amazing happened. I got into dsmp, I got into these characters, and on a whim, I sat down and wrote my first fic for it. In the span of 3 days, I wrote 3000 words! And I was happy! And I posted it and people seemed to love it!

My AO3 now has at least 30 fics just for dsmp, and I've got folders upon folders of other projects and ideas springing up every day for new fics for other smp series!

And yet, I'm starting to see myself falter. With the dsmp ending, and especially ending like it did, it reminds me so much of Homestuck. And I see myself doing the same things and behaving the same way I did 6 years ago. Struggling to write. A lack of focus and motivation to work on any of my projects. An external source of immense stress that makes me feel like I don’t have much time to write anymore.

And it's frustrating on a personal level to see that. Therapy opened my eyes to recognizing my patterns of behavior. I can prevent myself from spiraling. I can recognize when I need a break and I can take that break and barely feel guilty for it. And yet, here I am again. Will it soon take me a month to write 1000 words?

Have I even written 1000 words this very month?

... so I've written 5000.

In 2022, I decided that I wanted to track my yearly word count. I wrote so MUCH in 2021 that I broke 100k words posted on AO3 for that year. But that was just finished works! None of my wips, which I knew I had a lot more of! So I tracked my word count in 2022 and I think I hit around 150k? And that's impressive! That's cool!

So I did it again for 2023. But it's been harder to keep up with that over the last few months. I've been in a limbo of not knowing how many words I've written. Based on the fact that I haven't made any progress on my fics, that number must be very low, I thought.

And then I updated my word count yesterday. And I realized something:

I've written over 5000 words this month. Which isn't a lot, sure, but it's a lot for me. And, you know what? That's on track for January and February. March was fucking wild cuz I broke 14k words in March. And I know from tracking it last year, whenever I get a huge spike of words in one month, it takes maybe another month to recover. So my next month won't be as big or grand, but that's okay.

And that made me sit back and really look at what that means. I've been rping a lot, which is where the majority of those words come from. I wrote 1.5k words in a single DAY and I'm over here wondering why I don't have any words left in me! When I was in my last writing slump, I was still rping. All I did was rp.

I'm still writing, even when I don't think I am. I'm still expressing myself in these creative outlets even when I don't think it's "real writing". And why does it matter what's real writing anyways? Isn't it enough that I'm still doing it?

It is. It is enough. Therapy helped me recognize my patterns of behavior, and sometimes the answer really is to just. Take a break.

It'll still be here when you get back.

[1d1195]

Kinda feel bad for those other stories lol but I have no doubt that they will have their shining moment and I’ll love them just as much! So excited to see how all of these turn out! And a grump x sunshine vibe?! A CLASSIC!

I get what you’re saying when it comes to consistency but that still doesn’t mean it hurts any less when it happens! Still I hope that you get out of this funk soon! Hope your grocery shopping and prepping went well! Lowkey did the same thing today and i absolutely HATE grocery shopping like it’s just too much 😭

Bestie you are so wrong I’m NOT that great😭 idk I have a very weird way of viewing myself and my college doesn’t help with that lol this entire experience has been ROUGH to say the least then mix in my own mental health struggles/life it’s kinda crazy I’m even in this deep lol basically it’s giving gifted kind burn out vibes lol but you’re so sweet seriously you’re kind words are always so appreciated!

Yay to walks and writing! It’s the little things that count and make a difference! And I like the idea of you having books as a little treat for you during the school year! I know it’s probably annoying to constantly hear about “balancing” bc it’s easier said than done but having stuff like that will hopefully help❤️ and I’m sure anyone in like school/academic settings those months are probably super busy so it’s understandable!

The reveal of him not knowing made everything better! It was NOT lame at all if anything it was so you to add something like that in the story, truly loved it!

Taking that break was a really good decision! And I will ALWAYS support you putting yourself first! I can’t even imagine how you may have been during that time that you took a step back :( but I’m glad that it allowed you to come back better! And honestly if you ever feel like that or even remotely near it, please take a step back! Once again you are most important! It makes me happy that you do have a place to vent and that you have so many lovely people that adore you! I know for me at least I love getting to know you and I love you!!! Wishing you the best my love!-💜

I've actually alluded to one of them several times, but I've been keeping it pretty well under wraps 🤭 overall. I can't remember when I added the outline to my document. I think she's going to be grumpy hehehehe 🤭

Grocery shopping was great. It's actually one of my favorite tasks. But prepping did not happen...I did a REALLY good job pre-covid. Covid happened and I was like "If I make one more meal I will kms" idk, I think i've mentioned I HATE dishes (hence why it's a main source of contention in my stories) and it sucks all the fun out of cooking for me. Baking is one of my favorites though (less dishes usually) also why it ends up being a theme in my stories hehehe

I think I'm having my own version of gifted kid burn out. I def wasn't gifted. I was just a good student (if that makes sense) like yeah, I just had good study habits and stamina to learn material, but idk if I'm all that intelligent lol. Mental health really is the pits lol. Ruins everything. Happy to give you words of encouragement. I think people who need it don't always hear it. Or maybe I try to encourage everyone on their own path because teaching 🤷‍♀️ regardless, you deserve encouragement 💕

The only time I feel like taking a step back from tumblr these days is when my engagement is kinda low :( I sort of spiral and I'm all "No one even cares that I'm writing this, I don't even need to post no one will care or notice. No one likes it" very like over the top dramatics lol But I hate coming up with names for stories and idk where I would put my stories otherwise if not here. Probs just sit on my laptop collecting dust. I will say, it's pretty cool to see how much I've written like I really can go on and on, can't I? 😂

I LOVE YOU TOO! 💕

xoxo

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

A Complicated Relationship With Love and Sex

Photo link : https://www.pinterest.com/pin/563018696883387/

The year is 2024, it’s a Friday afternoon, maybe around 3 pm and you’ve been hyper-focused on work, you finally decide to check your notifications - I should mention you’ve switched your phone to do not disturb so that you can stay focused. You swipe up and to your dismay, you’ve only received 100 emails from businesses attempting to persuade you into buying whatever it is that they are marketing. There is a pit in your stomach, why hasn't he texted you? if he busy? Is he with someone else? Is he no longer interested? The pit in your stomach becomes an abyss and now you are spiraling in endless thoughts of what this means about you. A week ago you decided to give this man a chance and you ended up sleeping with him on the first date (Again, it's 2024, and you are in a progressive era (so you think)) You believe that your dating app profile makes it clear that you are not interested in meaningless hookups so you, silly little woman are under the impression that since you had sex with this man, it means that you both felt a connection to pursue a romantic relationship in the future. I am writing this to bring myself down to reality, I want to be able to have sex and not get attached to the person.

   Love is a convoluted thing, it's what everyone is seeking - even when we say we're not. Love is good for us, it’s in my opinion why most of the time we attempt to do good things; however, I am not blind to the fact that love like everything else can also become bad or unhealthy.

 I probably shouldn’t speak generally because I understand that everyone experiences it differently, keep in mind this is coming from a hopeless romantic who reads into things constantly. I follow the belief that love makes the world go round, I love love. I am always ready to fall into it. The reason behind that is that I have never experienced it. I have never been chosen.  

 As a 25-year-old woman, I have only had sexual encounters that would fall under the category of the infamous term "situationship" This term, in my head translates to, "you are good enough for sex and conversation but not good enough for an intimate romantic relationship" I know that I am just in love with love because even though those men have been for lack of a better word subpar (TO ME) if any of those men would've asked me to be in a relationship with them I would've said yes.

 It's extremely depressing to constantly be sexualized, we live in a male-dominated society so I can't be surprised that this has been my experience, especially as an Afro-Latina who developed a body at a young age. I continue to entertain these "situationships" because I want love so badly that any form of it- even if that person loves having sex with me-will suffice.

 I find myself putting these men on a pedestal, once the relationship(I'm calling it that because that’s what it is at the end of the day) comes to an end, I realize that they were just human beings, just like me. My brain turned them into a god-like being that can do no wrong. Even when they say something that I consider a red flag, I stay and often use the fact that we aren't in a "real relationship" to excuse the behavior.

 Growing up I was never the first choice, always too fat, bald, or too ugly. During recess, when the coach would make the team captain choose who they wanted on their team, I was always chosen last. I'm getting emotional, I don't think I've fully processed things from my childhood, I hide behind a mask of positivity, which is not a bad thing but it's not reality, it's okay to be vulnerable and be hurt, I always want to move on, never process because I believe it waste time, especially since that person couldn’t care less about me so why should I be sad or upset about them? But eventually, it all starts to make me feel sick, I get in a funk and feel like I can’t do anything but stay in bed- BECAUSE HOLY FUCK, WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?!

I don't know what it is I want from my intimate counterparts. I know I'm seeking love, I want someone who loves all of my flaws, who genuinely cares about me, wants to share the same core values, someone who is intelligent, and who takes the lead, I want dates planned out, I want someone to say "hey, I saw this and thought about you and just had to grab it!", I want "just because" flowers, I would love to slow dance in the living room, get super drunk and cry about how happy we both are until the sun rises and we fall into a deep sleep while holding each other. If that’s what I want, why when someone's actions prove that they do not want to pursue an actual romantic relationship with me do I stay? If it makes me so depressed and makes me feel sick, why do I keep coming back? It's because I correlate sex with love. If I just give him more pussy eventually he will fall in love and treat me the way that I deserve! This happens because when I'm having sex with someone, I'm only having sex with that one person, I get comfortable, I'm not the type that can have multiple sex partners.

  Sex as defined in the Oxford dictionary is sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse. Sex is not love, it is an act. Having sex for some is biological, to me it's intimate, I truly don't have sex with people that I don't have a connection with. I have to like something about you. I just don't understand how sex doesn't always lead to love, it's an exchange of energy. I understand it more when it’s a one-night stand and we never speak again, no kissing is involved, nothing but private parts touching. I have never had sex like that and have no interest in it because I love passionate, deep sex, I cannot do casual sex like that, it doesn’t please me in the slightest, the people I have sex with always come back for more and because I am delusional and believe that that means they like something about me and not just my body I allow them to come back! I always think it's going to lead to them being obsessed with me and they end up falling head over heels. It makes sense in my brain because if sex is just an act, why does our brain release oxytocin during the act?? That's the love hormone! We live in a time where sex is so easily attainable, I know I make it easy for a man to have sex with me but I know they are not stupid, they act like they are to manipulate, and they know when someone is feeling them more than they are feeling said person, so why don't they leave? Why don't they just put you out of your misery? I'm so tired of looking for love in a superficial/hypersexual world.

Always love

[sun-daisies]

I've been listening to maggot brain by funkadelic a lot lately. the full album is wonderful but it's the title track, the first on the album that I've had on repeat.

the first time I heard the song I was working at a coffeeshop a couple years ago. I was in a tough place mentally, the pandemic had taken a toll on everyone and I had never felt so alone in my life. the girl I was working with was a huge p-funk fan and played the album while we were closing - and if you've never deep cleaned a milk fridge at 6 pm on a rainy thursday evening after an 8 hour shift to the song maggot brain, you haven't lived.

I love this girl with my whole heart. we were twin flame friends for the time we worked together. she's the most vibrant human I've ever met. always laughing, always smiling, just all joy and positive vibes. we were only friends for about a year or so - she went back to school, I left the coffeeshop, and naturally we grew apart. but im endlessly grateful for the time I had with her and I've been thinking about her a lot lately.

maggot brain is often considered one of the greatest guitar solos of all time, recorded in one take when george clinton, under the influence of lsd, told guitarist eddie hazel to play like his mother had died. I remember the first time she played maggot brain and she gushed about how she notices something different in it every time she listens to it (and how it sounds best when she's stoned at 3 am). she's right. I hear something different every time I listen too, and every time I pick up on something new, it reminds me of one of my other friends who I've lost touch with. he plays guitar and I think he'd have so much fun learning different sections of the song, listening to all the different layers and recording his own cover of maggot brain. he'd probably make that face he makes when it's a really good riff, scrunched up like he'd smelled something bad. that's how you know it's good.

I don't know why he stopped talking to me. I wish I knew. I miss him. I hope he's doing well, even though I can't help but feel a little bitter.

I don't know why all my friendships are ephemeral, why every year I seem to lose one or two of them. I don't know why people don't stick around.

I wonder if all the people I've ever been friends with think of me, too.

I'm listening to maggot brain for the first time since those coffeeshop days, as the year is dwindling away and I'm facing 2024 without a single person I feel close to. I'm back in a really lonely place, and realizing that it's true what they say; you don't know what you have until it's gone. I don't think I appreciated maggot brain back then in the same way I do now. it feels existential, desolate, ethereal. it's nostalgic and melancholic but comforting in some strange way. it makes me feel less alone, somehow.