watermeloncholycucumbersome - Tumblr blog

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 116 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I'm kind of nervous today,

I haven't been to church in 3 weeks and I'm attending today.

I've been terribly sick and in 3 weeks

I got deathly sick,

lost my boyfriend,

my friend stopped talking to me,

the one church lady who drives me to church is mad at me,

and I'm smoking weed again.

So much can happen in a year?

So much can happen in a few hours, seconds or minutes...

The last 3 weeks have been horrible and I just haven't had the energy to do anything.

I'm concerned I'm not going to get a ride home, I'm worried because I'm not being told what's going on and I'm worried because 6:30am - 9:00am goes faster than you think when you're not looking at the time.

I will have my bath, get dressed and sit here drinking my coffee waiting.

I'm thankful I can go today and I'm happy I had enough energy to read my Bible today as I've been really lacking in that department.

I feel so out of sorts, so disconnected from everyone and everything, I want to hide yet I want to be seen.

When I'm seen I'm hurt and when I'm hidden the only one who hurts me is me.

It's still not right either way though.

I'm concerned I'm going to have to answer tons of questions, my chest congestion still isn't 100% cleared up so I'm still coughing although I do feel better.

I can't be over exerting myself though...

It was nice to have time to myself though these 3 weeks, a lot of bad stuff happened but good stuff happened too.

I got a lot accomplished in this time I think even struggling through this storm and even through long break periods, I still accomplished something and it's a pretty decent sized list I think.

I just hate how others make me feel less than, like what I do is unimportant and what they do is everything.

Just because I stay at home and clean, write and give things away/sell things all day doesn't mean I'm not doing anything.

If you don't have a "job" you're inessential to the world.

I may not be essential to the world, but I am important and what I do is important to me whether anyone thinks so or not it's none of their business.

It just sucks when you finally feel okay they knock you down with ignorant comments that they know will hurt you.

If this stuff at church doesn't stop, I'm going to have to leave. I don't want to but honestly I don't think it's worth stressing out about getting there and back every week. I'm not in the loop, I'm the last minute forgotten thought, I'm just a burden everyone has to drag with them and I have no reason to stay afterwards -

Why?

So I can sit by myself for another hour?

I can do that at home...

I need to figure this out soon, everyone just uses me and leaves and I have to fix everything or have to sit out of something that's important to me because of rude people that isn't fair.

It isn't fair that everyone else gets to frolic onworth and I'm forced to quit because I said no to being signed up for groups I did not say I wanted to be signed up for or a part of?

That's childish and I truly hope and pray that some people wake up, grow up and stop lying or they can gtf away from me from now on.

Please say a prayer for me today, Thank you.

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Laundry

So, I finally got up enough energy to wash and dry half of what I have for dirty laundry.

Thank You Jesus 🩷🙌

I know I'll get through this process but it's so friggin hard right now.

I've gone back to weed after being almost 3 years sober.

What the fuck is wrong with me???

I'm in so much pain inside and each day it gets worse and worse.

I just got finished sitting on my building's dirty laundry room floor a few minutes ago. I was weeping like a child over the clean, warm nice, smelling basket of clothes I was pulling out of the dryer to fold.

It wasn't the fact that I was sad I had to fold all the clothes, I was sad because I miss you.

How you'd always ask me if I needed your help folding, I'd usually say "No, it's okay" because I wanted you to rest.

I'd say "Yes" sometimes though, on those days I realized how easy it was to fold a sheet and how smoothly and quickly everything got folded with an extra hand lended.

Or how you took the time to nicely fold all my underwear even though I said it was "Okay" and "To not bother" because "They just go in the drawer anyway" you still did it and still took that extra little bit of your time and care to do something for me and to do it all with love.

No matter the task you did for me it was always with love.

Always..

Even when you were mad at me, you still loved me. That's usually why you were mad - you wanted me to listen and not hurt myself.

YOU WERE LOOKING OUT FOR ME...

I wish I could thank you..

I wish I could tell you all that has happened since you left, I think you'd actually get a kick out of seeing me do some of the things that I've done thus far in my journey without you.

I used to like when you asked me if I saw anything exciting on my "travels" wherever I had gone and come back from Lol

God..I can't even express how much I miss you mom.

I'd be a liar if I said there was a dictionary that defined these feelings inside of me.

I'd be a liar if I said I was okay and that I didn't need help.

Each broken piece of my heart is a misshapen tiny vile of ink and whichever well my souls fountain pen wants to drain from it does.

No matter the time or place.

I've forgotten certain things from that day forth - Yet all these chosen jars of ink within my chests' cabinet are overflowing, full of those emotions and memories.

When my pen dips its end into the liquid and touches the tip gently to the blank page; the page becomes soaked in my heart's ink.

Things that were wiped from my memory are now replaced slowly as I write and discover new territories.

I'm overwhelmed at how much emotion pours over me during these times, I'm crying, laughing, hurt, angry, confused all at once like a few second movie consisting of selected scenes from your past that flash quickly before your eyes.

There are no words just tears.

No sounds, just silence.

Just sobbing on a dirty floor.

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 115 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

Got my hair cut today, I hadn't had a haircut in years.

It was weird not being able to show my mom pictures of my new hair.

Hearing what she'd say, what her opinions were.

I miss her so much.

Someone wants her dresser and I'll sell it,

I know she wouldn't be upset.

I know she loved that dresser but if it came a toss up between my safety and a dresser I know she would've sold it too.

I know she'll understand - but it still hurts..

I watched as the little pieces of hair fell around me.

Pieces of me..

Attached to me..

Just lying on the floor waiting to be swept up and thrown in the garbage.

A lady getting her hair cut beside me tells the hairdresser about how she's going to a funeral, the person she'd lost had been gone for a year and they were just having the funeral now.

Grief hurts and having everything around me hurts me more.

Just like the pieces of hair gently falling to the floor around me.

It's going to hurt me more having the pressing weight and reminder of her loss than it will cutting it off or selling it.

I'm sick of selling things..

I'm sick of being high...

I'm sick of being lonely..

I'm sick of being tired..

I'm sick of missing you...

I'm sick of being sick..

I'm so done with it all and I wish someone could just magically pull me out of this hypothetical ball pit I'm stuck in and lift me out before it's too late.

Why can't I have just one day that doesn't blow up in my face?

Why do I have to get rid of things just to feel so damn guilty for it?

Instead of hair I'm attaching to I'm attaching to your things now to keep you with me.

I'm not guilty for getting rid of things,

I think I'm guilty because I feel like I'm getting rid of you every second of every day and it's the total opposite of what I know and what I'm trying to do.

I hope this all gets better..

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 114 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I hope I can trust this feeling I'm having,

I don't know if I should be hopeful?

I don't know if I should get excited - or anticipate anything whatsoever joyful other than assuming the worst.

These booming thoughts going through my head all day, consuming my every waking minute. Inside I'm freaking out and outside I'm just...

Stunned...

I'm walking through my day nonchalantly as though you didn't say you wanted to go out with me tomorrow.

I don't know what to say?

I don't know what to do?

Worst case scenario, he doesn't/can't come and I'm sitting here like a fool in my outfit that took me all day to pick out.

Or....

The Best case scenario is that it actually happens and someone actually wants to spend time with me and I get to sit like a fool somewhere else wearing the said outfit above.

I want people to be sincere and compassionate.

I know that everything doesn't revolve around me or anything, but when you're dealing with me friendship or relationship-wise my feelings and stuff factor into the equations too right?

I hope this works out,

I'm scared - anxious, nervous.

What if you see me and you think I'm weird?

Or you'll think "Oh God, what is she wearing? Do I really have to leave the house with this woman?" Lol

I hope not and I kinda hope you're wondering the same stuff about me.

I really, really hope you like me in person..

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 113 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

Left my coffee on the counter again,

Can't remember much these days.

Broken boxes - garbage bags,

Post these quickly they still have the tags.

I'm so tired...

This coffee never works,

Just in a perpetual calendar of dragging my body through the days - in a haze.

I wake up but I never really wake up I just exist on some level.

People think that I'm "perfect" and it frightens them so they run away cowardly, I'm not by any means so it's a fools prize they receive at the door when they exit my life.

My mind spirals from ferris wheels and fairground games to the pile of unwashen clothes in front of me.

I do not want to do this laundry - but I have to, I have no choice and nobody is coming to save the day or do my laundry for me.

This has gone on for weeks and I can't put it off anymore.

Nobody cares how I feel, I just have to deal....

Everything's on my shoulders now and this backpack I'm carrying is stinging and digging into my shoulders like tight bathing suit straps over a sore sunburn.

I want to take it off and scream.

But I can't there's no use,

I just continue to spiral downward without a sound and nobody will know the truth other than God, myself and tumblr.

I hope I can get out of this funk,

God, I hope this works -

something has to work.

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 112 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

Fell asleep with my glasses on again,

I'm glad they didn't break.

All that I get are impressions on my face.

I slept on top of my phone,

Thank God it didn't fall between the couches.

I tried writing something on my phone,

But it doesn't work - so I grab my notepad and pen.

Now I'm writing outside on my balcony. It's freezing out here, but I do not want to go inside yet. I wish it would just get warmer out but without all the humidity.

I used to love mad libs but they aren't as funny or fun when you have to do them alone - not so fun without you.

So I sip my coffee like the adult I'm supposed to be and try not to cry.

My phone's screen just timed out while I was writing this but my notebooks blank pages glow bright. Thank God for paper...

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 111 of Writing Something Everyday

(356 Day Challenge)

Two Hundred & Fifty

The one hundred and forty balloons are filled up

With glitter confetti and ten are filled up with fibre glass.

Over on the table there's a gun behind the cake, the Jell-o is full of needles and the Kool- Aid is laced with arsenic.

Hush now, this isn't a normal party -

Understand that you were all invited involuntarily.

No don't cry, it won't hurt to die,

Darling your poolside coffin's waiting outside.

Realize when you look into my eyes, you don't see me you'll see your demise.

Engulfing fire nipping at the crumbs upon your plate, my

Darling, look at the time, it's getting late.

Apricot eyes that hypnotize me, I can't outrun their magnetic pull.

Northern furnace wrapped in wool.

Drenched in snow, pinpricked cheeks, you'll all get warmed up in here at least.

Finally you grab me with your eyes,

Intense and gripping unable to breathe.

Fire kissed lips, in your hands - mesmerized, I seethe.

Tempestuous and tumultuous, to fight back with her is to act in vain.

You'll forget about it all in a minute but you'll never forget her name.

~Jenni

****************

250 posts, wow I didn't even realize I had written that much to be honest Lol

I got this idea about a creepy party where everyone invited gets poisoned except the host and the person she likes Lol

Thank you to my mom who always encouraged me to write and thank you to those continuing to encourage me after her passing.

I never stick to anything so this is a big deal for me:)

God bless you all,

Huggs🩷🩷

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 110 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I don't know what to do with myself,

Fading in and out of who I think I am.

I feel like I have many characters being created inside of me, one minute I'm this the next I'm that.

I'm terrified....

Everything I'm trying to do is falling apart and I wish I could just disappear.

I have this craving to just buy a suitcase and pack my necessities in it and screw off somewhere.

Nobody has to know, nobody would give a shit if I disappeared tonight...

Only my mom would've and she's gone, God can see me 24/7 so the only one in this world who loved me is gone.

I have nothing to lose on earth anymore - as long as God's with me I will be okay.

I'm just scared, you know?

But I just have to save up now..

There are no fetters connecting me to this place anymore.

I just want to run away so bad, just be like Ghost World and gtfo.

Nobody is for me here, they're just all liars and thieves of joy and void of compassion.

My mind may change as it does often, but I know that one day this will happen..

If I don't answer anyone randomly there will be a very good reason.

Because my cell will be muted, certain people will be blocked and I will be on a bus to a new city somewhere where no one knows me and my name doesn't sound like a dirty word or a scold when others say it.

It's a clean slate...

Something new..

Something good..

I NEED to find me..

And if that means running from others then I will.

I can't find myself if others are pulling me a different way I don't want to go but they do.

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 109 of Writing Something Everyday

(356 Day Challenge)

"God, don't let me lose my mind"

I plunge the letter opener into my chest and the ink comes out, dripping into its well below.

Sitting down at the desk - I'm ready..

I dip my pen into the ink and begin to write, words flowing - pouring out of me faster than the letters can stain the page red.

In this moment, here is where I want to be.

Creating art out of the anguish of my many faces.

I've gotten real good at learning to care for all the large wounds.

I write and express until my well runs dry,

Until it's time to use the letter opener again.

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 108 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I feel like I'm doing way too much today yet there's still a part of me thinking I'm the laziest pos on the face of the planet.

I hope I can get out of this funk..

Church lady is denying another girl access to me so she can get items I offered to her to send away to her family in the Philippines.

Apparently that's unacceptable and I can't help or talk to ANYONE unless it's through her. Gross, disturbed behaviour for a 70 something year old woman.

Shame on her..

I just added a bunch of stuff on facebook marketplace to sell today, I'm sick of waiting for help.

I'm never going to get it at this rate. I'm dragging these big pieces of furniture around by myself, trying to sell everything I own. I'm made feel like mine and my mom's personal items are worthless because I can't barely get anyone to come get anything or inquire even. Some of her stuff was lots of money and me asking 10 for a 20 dollar item and so on should be great, but it's not.

It's so hard to clean all this up by myself and store things for people who may or may not come when they say they will or ever.

But you have no choice, you need the money. So you live on a whim of hopefully they respond or show up.

I'm in this get rid of everything mentality and I think it's a good thing. I feel like shits going to hit the fan at some point here and I might be forced to leave my apartment. Last thing I want is a bunch of bags/boxes of garbage to drag around with me, you know?

Less is better in the long run. Only keep what's important, the rest is unimportant.

If I don't hurry up I overthink too much and it gets overwhelming, so throwing stuff out on these days is great because you finally get it done. It just sucks that I finally get the energy to get up and accomplish something. Especially going through my mom's dresser as I just about lost my mind the last few times I went near it. I finally did it and this woman won't drive this young girl a few minutes to pick up a small bag from me because I told her I didn't want her signing me up for programmes at church that I wasn't even aware of I was being signed up for?

How is that fair?

What did the young girl do?

How is this a Christian woman??

Making a young girl suffer because she wants to punish me?

Wretched horrible woman..

Sad part is this will hurt me more because these are people who have been kind to me and she's hurting them now to get back at me because she's a baby and has unresolved issues that she needs to stop putting on others.

Grow up and take responsibility..

Why does a 31 year old woman have to teach her elders common sense and decency?

I guess these bags just sit here tonight then, but I guess I cleared out mine and my mom's dressers today so that's good - still sucks though.

What is wrong with this world, ugh...

I have to clean this apartment up and get this room set up so I can advertise I need a roommate. I have nobody helping with this, everyone talks a big talk until something really has to be done and you see their true colours. I've asked everyone church wise and even at my apartment building - guys want sexual favours and the women are either older or crippled. I literally contacted a random dude on Facebook for help and

Every

Single

One

Of

Them

Agree

Then

Make

An

Excuse

Last

Minute

Nobody follows through so I guess it's just me literally on my own now, so much for if you need me call me. Nobody responds to me any way.

Kinda scary thinking about a stranger living in your house with you to be honest, but I have no choice.

All of this will be done because I figure it out and do it though, I don't have any hope help is coming in the form of people any longer.

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Modeling my new outfits like

the true model I am 😂🙈

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 107 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

*sings*

"Nature is a language, can't you read?"

It really is I think to myself, sitting here stuffing my face full of vanilla oreos (that I will now happily debate after trying them with anyone who says the oreos are better than the dollar store version of the vanilla girl guide cookies. They are wayyyyyyyyyyy better.. in my opinion that is.)

The only things I can stomach to eat right now are

Fruit loops (in vanilla oatmilk)

Vanilla girl guide cookies (from the dollar store)

Chocolate chip/Oreo cookie ice cream sandwiches

Oreo Mcflurries

It was nice sitting outside in the cool morning air - they're doing some sort of road construction work right outside my building so depending on what it is it might get super noisy, so there's a potential of having no window open today which sucks..

They're already being noisy and it's just only 5am now. When I began writing this it was around 3am and they were out there then too. Lots of trains coming in and out of here lately too - kinda weird I think.

I'm so tired and keep waking up, doesn't matter how high I get I just sleep for 3-4 hours and I'm up again.

I cycle in through what I have to do that's important every time I wake up.

Dishes

Sit on the balcony

Have a coffee

Make or get myself my choice food items

Watch tv (maybe - I only seem interested in watching Splash)

I write

I bathe (it's getting harder to make myself though, thankfully my mom always enforced that. Not so important now without her)

I'm so paranoid and keep hearing/seeing things. Things that shouldn't be funny are hilarious and it takes me so long to write this as I'm dropping my phone laughing.

My phone is even cracked now because of it, this is terrible - I have nothing to lose anymore without my mom with me..

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 106 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I sat there and laughed over and over again at the same sentence.

I had laughed so much and for so long I had forgotten what I was laughing at to begin with.

Then I realized I was laughing at a sad poem I had just written, it dawned on me that I shouldn't be laughing or smiling at this moment yet I was hurting myself more not letting out this laughter.

I sat there staring at the words on the page that I couldn't say out loud, yet could read it all no problem.

I think this is what madness is..

I think I'm not okay.

The therapist signed me in for an appointment to talk with my family doctor in May and I'm a bit afraid.

What if I get thrown in the funny farm?

I don't think I'm doing well on my own anymore - day 106 of my mental breakdown, follow for more....

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Decided to make an edit of this too Lol 🥰

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 105 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

I keep smelling chemicals like chlorine,

I keep smelling the vinyl on a warm summers day and how the plastic would burn you if you weren't careful.

I remember the wet dogs - the smell of their fur, tongues hanging out the sides of their mouths huffing and puffing after running around and playing in the water all day.

I remember the smell of bathing suits and how the chlorine smell never washed out.

I remember the smell of coconut sunscreen and the way it never screened anything - it just smelt nice, smelt like summer I thought.

The smell of sand on a hot day, almost pungent but still bearable - comforting in a way strangely.

This all just started happening the other day.

Maybe it's because summer is coming up?

Maybe it's because it brings back nostalgia?

I don't know..

It's not necessarily bad memories, but it's not exactly memories needed right now when I'm alone.

I don't have faith or hope that my life will get any better or anything good will happen to me or for me.

When I'd lie on my back in that blow up pool in our backyard I felt like an adventure - the whole waiting and having any whimsy or anticipation whatsoever over my future.

I'm not sure if 13 year old me would like 31 year old me.

I never did anything on the time capsule list I said I wanted to do.

I thought I'd have my mom forever...

I'd have to tell little 13 year old me that her only and best friend would die and she'd have to traumatically watch this happen, not just on the day of her passing but for the rest of her life.

I don't have a boyfriend and never have, no family or friends, just alone and hoping someone arrives one day like a prince in a fairy tale to take me (the princess) away.

As a kid it's maybe tomorrow, then maybe next week, then maybe next month, then maybe next year until you're not even looking for love anymore and you haven't been keeping track.

Now when people show up I just feel like I'm being lied to and want them to just go and save the oxygen and brain cells they're going to use to fabricate what they tell me.

It's harder now as an adult, I can't see past my childhood and how I was then. Can't see that I'm not that girl anymore but sometimes I wish I could go back there to that time when I ate cereal and drank juice. Cartoons and colouring were life, lunches and suppers consisted of sandwiches and chips (possibly a slushee) and I was dying waiting to go back into the pool until I'd be called in later on that night.

To feel that water on my skin again, to hear those leaves on the trees rustle above my head, wondering if It was the wind, a squirrel or a cat moving the branch.

Boys climbing the fence to giggle at an 11 year old me in a bathing suit then running away when I noticed them.

There was a part of me as I drove under the water that giggled to myself as no one could hear but me.

Is it bad that I kind of miss that?

The innocence of thinking someone was cute, giggling and holding hands.

I wish I had experienced any of that completely and not half assed..

Being out in the pool when it started to rain that night, feeling bigger and better than I ever had.

Being out in the pool with you and wanting to kiss you so bad that night.

Staying up late with you to watch Titanic (both VHS tapes back to back) and NOT fall asleep. I can't remember who'd fallen asleep first?

Half happy because I didn't make it to the part where Jack dies - you would've seen me run away moments before that scene to cry alone because it made me so sad.

I remember being at that Christmas party, I was 6 and you were 7.

The adults had been calling us and they couldn't find us because we were under a blanket in the dark in a room (by ourselves)

You had been kissing my neck so much under that blanket my mom had to buy me turtle necks in every colour of the rainbow to cover up the shit load of hickey's you left on my neck..

I can't remember who found us but I remember the blanket being ripped off of us and lights in my eyes and lots of yelling.

I was the kindergarten trollup and I had no idea...Nor did anyone else. My mom made sure of that Lol

I don't believe that purgatory is a real place,

But I do believe we all have mini fun sized versions of it living in us.

Living in our brains..

We can't see it, touch it, taste it or hear it.

Yet somehow it's there?

It's so real that you can actually go there, but just in your mind's vehicle. Only we usually use it for negative places and get lost on memory lane.

I'm just in the passenger seat, just along for the drive but I hope we park soon.

Inside with my eyes closed I can smell the car, it's rented. The keychain around the rearview jangles lightly over the low music playing.

It smells like new air fresheners and I'm in my seat leaning back awkwardly like I'm in a nascar race - my back is hurting sitting like this for too long.

I'm not in control..

It's always night time when I'm here and I can never see the drivers face, just a light silhouette.

I've spoken about this before in the past too I think.

Everyone says they'll stay and not to worry, then they wonder why you have trust issues and are in the middle of a mental breakdown.

I know people are lying yet I allow them too having too much hope that maybe I'm wrong this time..

Then it happens again, proving me right again.

I even lowered my standards as I thought maybe I was just too choosey in picking friends, then people started coming to me and it was still all the same crap all over again.

No changes...

No surprises..

Nothing is new anymore and that's truly sad.

I have people around me now since my mom passed away and to me none of them are no more than acquaintances.

Nobody that I'd actually want to go for a coffee with.

Nobody I can just call up randomly because I want to, I have to be "squeezed" in or it has to be "arranged" leaving me feeling like I'm a burden.

It's just better to leave everyone alone...

I finally stood up for myself, I told the church lady that I didn't want her making plans for me and that church was in itself overwhelming for me that I'd add on things slowly down the road if I'd like to do I get used to everything slowly.

She got pissy and told me that "fine" she'd "not send me anything anymore" and I haven't heard anything from her in 3 days.

It was very childish and I can't deal with people who refuse to do anything other than what they choose to do.

I do not have to explain my grieving process to people who said "I know" a little too much in the beginning..

Shouldn't they know me then?

~Jenni

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

🙈🙈