#i dont know. im trying to write again. ive been busy and tired and I want to write I miss it I just don't know what To write

[watery-melon-baller]

whenever im writing anything i always struggle with like. making sure im not holding the audiences hand and explaining every single little detail to them, and actually trust them to Understand what im saying. but I know that I do this because I am a dumdum who misses details and often needs shit explained to me, and also worries about not being clear enough, but like,,,,, most people are Better at that then I am and I need to trust them,,,

[dideki]

idk if this would be helpful to you but how about. you pick your fave 5 letters. then make up a thesis statement/question/thing that stars with each of thise 5 letters. and then make a poll and have people vote on it? not the same as getting assigned something specific but it might give you direction. in case you dont have any favourite letters here are my 10 top 10 if you want more examples 1. j 2. e 3. o 4. g 5. d 6. b 7. i 8. l 9. z 10. u

if this isnt totally your thing and youre not interest u dont have to reply i just thought maybe u need a nudge like this :-)

augh this is brilliant thank you my friend ill give this a spin :-) those are very good letters indeed!! thank you for your help, getting peer reviewed should be very useful, so ill think about those statements now!

[janaelalfysloml]

open arms - jana el alfy x reader

warnings : angst a lil , idk what else , not rly proofread

summary : you missed one of janas games due to your plans.

a/n : this is short but ive been wanting to write so yeah

——————————————————————————

today was game day for jana & her team. “do you know if you’re going to be able to come tonight? ill get you really good tickets!” jana asked you as she rolled over to your side of the bed. “well, i dont really know. i have a midterm tonight at 6pm, so ill see if i can make it. no guarantees though.” you told her as you finger-coiled the last strand of hair.

it was already 7:32 when you finished your midterm for one of your classes. janas game ended at 8pm, but you were exhausted. you were wondering if you should go, or go home and rest. eventually you went home and texted jana that you wouldn’t be able to make it, knowing she wouldn’t see it but just sending it incase she was wondering where you were.

you were in the kitchen when jana had walked into the apartment. “hey how was the game?” you asked her with a soft smile on your face. “it was alright. i noticed you didn’t come, again.” jana said, not trying to make eye contact with you. “im really tired jana im sorry. the exam took everything out of me.” you replied, trying to break the tension between you too. jana didn’t respond, instead she placed her things down and walked to the room and shut the door behind her.

“why are you mad? i would’ve went if I didn’t have this test.” you said as you opened the door to the room, and stood in the doorway. “im just frustrated because you’ve missed my last 3 games in a row. and i understand that you were busy today, but— i dont even know.” she said, she didn’t want to finish the sentence because she didn’t even know why she was mad. you were busy today, but the last two games you weren’t. instead you ditched her games for some plans you made months in advance, in your defense.

you sat and processed what she just said. you sat on the bed as you spoke back to her. “im sorry jana i really am but i had plans that you knew about for months in advance! when I made the plans I didn’t know your schedule.” you told her, trying to fix the situation. “ it’s fine, trust me babe.” jana replied in a comforting tone. she know you probably thought she was mad at you or something but she wasn’t at all. “im sorry again, do u wanna just watch our movies?” you replied back to jana. you and her had a little playlist of movies that you guys watched together, and now they’re your guys favorite movies.

you guys ended up just watching some of each others favorite movies & cuddling with each other. “i love you, so much.” you told jana as you yawned, obviously tired, but wanting to stay up just to absorb this moment with her.

——————————————————————————

a/n: hey uh idk im bored and wanted to write so yeah!!

[rhysandsfavwhore]

Sweet Dreams

Rhysand x fem!reader

content; stressed and clingy Rhys (i honestly dont know why i like writing about a stressed clingy rhys for), fluff

notes; okay ik this doesn’t completely match up with Rhys’ backstory but its okay☺️

—————————————————

Ink covers his tanned hands as they grip onto the desk, a result of days and days worth of paperwork. He was writing back to all the courts, gathering plans and information on Hybern.

However, it seems he doesn't have a responsibility of taking care of himself. The pile of uneaten food on the floor directly below his window, his sunken eyes and haunted look is all proof of that fact.

As his childhood friend, you were especially worried for him. He isn't himself. granted, he witnessed and been through much more, but looked like he had lost it.

“If you wanted to see me, you should have just asked.” Rhys sighs, attempting to straighten the mess that is his desk.

“And would you have let me? See you, that is.” You respond, crossing your arms at him. You had made her way in here after claiming his window was ‘broken.’

“I've been busy.” He offers.

“Right.” You nods, her gaze distant, understanding his pressure and mounds of work to get through.

“You know, I think your window is broken. Food always seems to be falling from it.” You says, your brows raising. “You want to explain this to me?”

“No.”

“Rhys.”

“No” He corrects coldly. He then watches her straighten, and feels a twinge of guilt. He takes a few deep breaths, closing his eyes and slowly opening them again.

"Rhys..” you try again, hoping to get anything more than one word from him.

“That will be all, Y/N”

“Rhys, wait-”

“That will be all ”

“Let me help you fix the window. Please. It doesn't have to stay broken.” You says. something in your expression tells Rhys your not just talking about the window, anymore.

“I'm afraid it's beyond repair.” he replies, barely above a whisper.

“oh Rhys” you say, walking over to him and running a hand through his hair. “nothing cannot be fixed”

He allows himself to close his eyes after you run your hand through his messy hair, and he practically melts into your touch. He’d miss this. He’d miss you. He hadn’t seen you all week.

“How can you be sure?” He counters, and it’s almost a challenge.

“because that ‘window’ is not broken, it just needs a hand, and thats what I’m here for.”

He can’t find the strength to fight you on it any longer. He’s tired, both mentally and physically. He can feel the bags under his eyes weighing him down.

He leans into you for comfort, placing his head on your chest and wrapping his arms around you. It was a move he hasn’t done since he was a young child, and the memory of his childhood days was almost enough to make him cry.

All he could manage was a weak “I’ve missed you.”

“ive missed you too Rhys” you said, your voice almost breaking. after everything you’ve seen him go through, you couldn’t understand why this hit so hard, but you didn’t want to pry.

Rhys holds you tighter, his grip desperate and needy. Your familiar warmth was almost enough to make him gasp. He’d missed you so much, being cooped up in his office all day just left him with his own thoughts, and he almost drowned in them.

He needed you, here, now.

“shh, im here” you cooed, running fingers through his hair.

The simple, yet affectionate gesture was enough to make Rhys eyes water. He wanted to speak, wanted to say anything to express how he was feeling, but he was afraid that if he even opened his mouth- he’d burst into tears.

So he stayed like that, his arms around your middle and his head pressed against you, listening to your heartbeat. The steady rhythm was like a metronome, and he found himself getting calmer with each thump. This side of him was one he was embarrassed to show, one even you and only seen on few occasions.

you pressed a kiss to the top of his head and allowed him to stay comfortably resting on you, not wanting to disturb he one moment of peace he has had in days.

Rhys felt warmth bloom in his chest as you kissed the top of his head. It was something you used to do all the time when you were kids, and the action itself was enough to bring a few tears to Rhys’ eyes.

“Thank you for checking on me,” He mumbled out the words into your shirt. “I’ve been really out of it, lately.”

“i know, i know. come on you need some rest” you said before taking him by the hand and leading him to his bedroom.

Rhys, while a bit surprised, lets you lead him over to his bed without protest. You could see the exhaustion in his weary eyes, he needed sleep, and he didn’t even realize it.

When you reach the edge of the bed, he stops, and seems to hesitate before laying down. He’s still holding your hand, and makes no move to let go.

you stand, unsure weather you should pull away from his grip or not. “ill go grab you some water, get some sleep” you say, deciding leaving him to rest was your best option.

Rhys’ hand gripped yours tighter in reaction, and you could see a hint of panic in his expression. “Don’t go.” He muttered.

He really did look like a lost little kid at the moment. His hair was messy, his eyes were tired, and his clothes disheveled.

You smiled slightly at him and gave a small nod and you lay on the edge of the bed, slightly propped up against the headboard, unsure what to do.

Almost as if he were magnetized, Rhys quickly moves over to you, and lays down on the bed next to you. He doesn’t let go of your hand, instead he intertwines his fingers with yours.

He can’t bring himself to move his gaze away from you, he looks at you with the eyes of a man starved; who finally found some water. He just needed you now.

You gently ran his free had down the side of his face giving him a sweet smile.

Rhys leaned into the soft touch of your hand against the side of his face. He couldn’t help but close his eyes for a second, savoring the feeling of your fingers on his skin. Every little touch sent his heart racing.

He opened his eyes after a moment, and gave you a weak smile. “You always used to do that.” He muttered out the words just loud enough for you to hear, “Whenever I couldn’t sleep.”

“i know” you gave him a soft smile and kept your reassuring movements going.

Rhys was practically purring at the feeling of your fingers against his skin. The combination of it and his exhaustion was making his eyelids feel incredibly heavy.

He moved himself closer, until his head was rested against your chest. He could hear the rhythmic thump of your heartbeat through your shirt, and it almost made him yawn.

You were shocked at how close he got to you. a part of you relaxed knowing that you always wanted to be more than friends but scared to tell him and thought maybe, he now felt the same, but you brushed the thought aside knowing he needed his friend now, not a girl pinning over him.

He shifted on the bed, until he was resting mostly on top of you. He wrapped his arms around your midsection, his grip desperate and almost needy.

He was silently begging you to stay with him, even if he didn’t realize it. He buried his head against your chest, and let out a shaky breath.

“get some sleep Rhys” you sighed, smoothing your hands down his back.

Rhys could feel the steady rise and fall of your chest as your hands move up and down his back, the sensation was hypnotizing.

He couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer, and he found himself drifting off to sleep. He mumbled something, but it was inaudible with his face buried into your shirt.

As he drifted off, you whispered, so quite you could hardly hear yourself, “i love you Rhys” hoping he was asleep.

But he wasn’t asleep, and he’d heard.

He felt his heart flutter in his chest, and a warm feeling began to bloom in his chest. You loved him. You loved him?

He didn’t speak, and he didn’t move. He pretended that he was asleep. He wanted to hear more.

“i love you Rhys, i always have” you whispered, thinking out loud as you ran your hands through his hair, thinking this is the closest you will every get to being more than a best friend to him.

The words echoed in Rhys’ head, over and over again. You loved him. You always had.

He could’ve laughed, he certainly wanted to. Had he really been that dense?

He could feel your fingers running through his messy hair, and it was enough of a distraction to keep him from exploding with emotions right there.

“sweet dreams Rhys”

——————————————

[prettygirlformula]

things i do to distract myself.

i dont usually post textposts, but i decided to do something different because, its november!!! nd we all know this months is when things go wrong and i've been struggling to practice self-care so here are some of my favourite things i like to do to remind myself i am loved, and perhaps give you all some inspo if you're in a funk too!! <3

listen to music i tend to have different playlists as i believe that the music you listen to dictates your mood. as much as i enjoy my jazz and classical, when im in a funk i need to be hype 24/7!! my go to's are usually anything future, miss stallion, glorilla, king von, tate mcrae, charli or carti. i need to listen to music that'll manifest success and confidence.

read i'll read anything really, just to keep my mind off social media BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO ROT MY BRAIN WHEN IM FEELING SULKY. im currently reading letters from a stoic by seneca - im learning plenty and its keeping me stay calm

body movement i love a good run, or a pilates sesh so i'll put all my anger and sadness into pushing myself to run an extra k, or that extra set. sometimes its nice to just clear ur lungs and ur mind, and it'll build my strength physically and mentally!!! plus i'll look even better so he'll regret ever ending things with me

visit the beach im a beach girl forever, the ocean has always been my best friend. a quick swim will alwayssss level me out. there's cute boutiques and my favourite açai place along the esplanade and i love walking down there during the sunset or sunrise to keep me busy.

annoy my friends i love my friends so much they're my everything!!! they bring me peace even if we're loud. there's something about surrounding yourself with positive and loving energy that i'll never get tired of, if i could i would give all my love in my body to them.

write ive always been a writer i think. i have to get everything in my mind onto paper or a document or i lose it. its nice to write in my journal about things im grateful for, things im scared about and things i want to achieve. as well as just what went on in my day - i think that now im out of high school im living a much more dramatic and different life to what i used to, so i need to process these things. also i write w a muji pen so it makes the experience so fun.

cry no matter how nonchalant i try to be, im a crier - even at the clubs (it gets embarrassing) but i find it a great way to rid my anger, sadness or stress - better out than in.

meditate ive only just started practicing this, but its very peaceful!! well duh i like to do it during sunset in the park near one of the beaches i frequent (so i can swim too hehe) and the sound of the waves, the people and life can kind of block out anything in my head!!

clean/re-organise my room organised room = organised mind!! (my dad taught me that one) but during this process i always find something that i forgot about and i get distracted, so it takes longer but i get the job #done

call my mummy my mum and i are close, shes my best friend so i tell her everything (except my tattoos and my ehem..rendevouz..) her wisdom has helped me in a lot of situations...i tend to write down the advice she gives me so i dont forget and fuck up. again :p

retail therapy maybe not the most healthy way of self-care, but it gets the job done i cannot lie!! sometimes you need to spend a little bit of money to sustain some peace in your life. you do need that glossier lip liner babe, get it, you deserve it.

ofc some of these things may not work well for you, but self-care is what makes you feel good!!! im open to new ideas of self-care so lmk what you guys do :p + thank you so much for 3 blessed years on this account, eternally grateful for everyone <3

[grapesrsogood]

Xanthus vs period cramps

Find masterlist here

I know its supposed to be gender neutral but i just needed this okay

I couldnt find one so im gonna wright one as best i can

Might feature Dontis (i dont plan what i write. ಠ_ಠ )

Anyways ^o^ as always (one time before) reader is referred to a Love, this time with she/her pronouns and she gets really bad cramps

———————————

Xanthus groans again as he sits on the sofa beside Dontis. The pain in his abdomen had been appearing inconsistently throughout the day and Love had stayed hold up in their shared room for the past two days, not even letting him in to feed or for comfort.

“Whats got you in such a mess today hm?” The incubus raises an eyebrow, to Xanthus’s displeasure.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he pauses a moment, slightly shocked at the venom in his own voice.

“Are you alright? Did something happen?” Dontis pushes, becoming more genuin and concerned for his friend.

“I- im not sure. It could be because i haven’t seen Love much recently but i didnt think it’d have this much of an effect on me,” the waver in his voice holds uncertainty and he huffs in frustration.

“Well, like we know, if one of you is in pain then the other is too, could it be that she isn’t feeling too well? Maybe a stomach bug?” Dontis offers, as he rests his chin on his palm.

“I suppose so but im sure she’d tell me if-,” they both pause for a moment, hearing faint noises from down the hallway, “do you hear that?” Xanthus ask, quietly.

“Yes, it sounds like faint mumbling, or maybe groans?” Dontis mumbles back, in a hushed tone as to keep listening out for the sound.

“I cant take this anymore, im going to see them whether they like it or not,” Xanthus stands and starts making his way towards their room. Dontis doesn’t question him as he sits back and goes back to his business.

Knocking could be heard on the door of their room and she grumbles annoyedly, questioning who was interrupting her ‘try to find a position that doesn’t feel like you’re being stabbed’ time.

Xanthus peeks his head around the door and looks around the room, the smell of metallic blood hitting his nose faintly and he wonders how he don’t notice it sooner. He was by Loves side in an instant, looking over her curled up figure in search of injuries.

“Are you hurt love? Whats wrong, i can feel your pain,” he blurts out, reaching a hand out to hold her face lightly.

She sighs and finally gives up on trying to hide it, “im fine… im just on my period is all…”.

The words hit him like a train. How could he be so stupid. Of course she was on her period! It all made sense, the pains and the avoidance. How could he not have noticed sooner.

He moved quickly, talking just as fast, “do you need anything? Another blanket? A hot water bottle? Food? A dring? Medication?” Worry seeped through his voice as he placed a hand against her forehead.

“Im fine Xan, i promise,” she manages to say, as Xanthus pulls a water bottle out of his suitcase he kept half full in the corner of the room. He put on a dim light and pulled out a fresh blanket from a drawer.

“Xanthus, ive done this before, i can handle it-“ she tried to sit up to speak to him but he placed a hand on her shoulder, setting down the water and pulling the scrunched blanket off of her and laying down the fresh, fluffy blanket.

“You need rest and comfort and thats what im here for, now make some room, Love,” he says softly as he slips under the covers, reaching for her and pulling her into him.

She instinctively wraps her limbs around him and lays her head on his chest. It didnt take long for her cramps to die down, sleep slowly creeping in as she yawns.

“Thank you Xan, love you,” she says, through a sleepy haze.

“Its quite alright my love, now sleep,” he kisses the top of her head and she slowly drifts off as he lays there, silently content in holding her as she lightly snores beside him.

And just for a moment, everything was perfect.

———————————

Its so late and im so tired because i can only write well when its past midnight T^T

I hope you enjoyed reading as much as i enjoyed writing this, i tried my best to really capture the feeling of Xanthus as a person, prepared, caring (towards love and only love :3) and straight forward whilst also adding in some bond + period theories with the mood-swings and cramps because itd be funny to see a 450 year old vampire lose his shit over dropping a plate (ˉεˉ)

Anyways, if u have requests, drop them in the comments and i’ll see u next time baiiii :D

[onthepyre]

my dear moot. so gallavich are fuckbuddies and the ian leaves and becomes an emt and then what??? how do they get back together? do they like. see each other in the couple years between because of mandy or other people or do they go no contact?? if it's no contact then why do they see each other again?? i desperately need to know. i'm invested in this au definitely more than i should be since i haven't even finished the show yet but like. it's amazing. i'm obssesed

omg hi!!!!!! thank you so so much for the question. i swear im still spinning this au around in my head ive just been so very preoccupied lately but i intend to write about that first night in the bar soon so keep an eye out for that. BUT! i will put the answer to this under a cut because it got longwinded.

so i want to start with why things fizzle out in the first place. they start up very much like canon gallavich - ian is ass over teakettle for mickey, and mickey, while definitely interested, isn't nearly as invested. things diverge from their canon characterization around the time of mick and svet's marriage. ian remains pissed, but rather than fucking off to the army, he stays - and it triggers his first major depressive episode.

and then mickey's like....... dude what the fuck is going on with you. because mickey, at this point, has bigger fucking fish to fry. instead of him being ian's main caretaker during this time it falls on the other gallaghers and mickey's just sort of around, in the periphery, and then when ian hits that manic upswing again, a LOT of the insane reckless shit he does is with or for mickey. but they never hit that deeper connection that we see gallavich develop in seasons 4/5 because they're just too fucking busy

so then ian quits work, and that's fine, but that means he and mickey dont really see much of each other anymore. they try to keep things up for a little bit, but it's just not really convenient since they aren't constantly in the same place, and so they're just kind of like, well whatever.

(they are both secretly very sad about this. but neither of them wants to come out and say that. so they just don't.)

and yeah, they do end up seeing each other a little, because ian and mandy are still friends, and she's probably so, SO tired of his bullshit, because he tells her all of these conflicting feelings he's having. she drops these stupid-obvious hints to mickey, but he's got a thick skull. so mostly she just pesters ian.

and then a little over a year goes by before the next major event - eventually they kind of put each other in the back of their minds, not really forgotten but not a main figure anymore. maybe ian gets a boyfriend, for real. but he still hasn't exactly nailed the balance of his meds, and though he doesn't experience the full spectrum anymore, there's definitely periods of time that...... aren't quite right. so he finds himself in one of those, and he gets off work and, well, that bar he used to work at is kind of close. and he kind of misses that messy thing he had going with mickey. and he drops in.

he gets more than a little tipsy at the bar, hanging around waiting for mickey to come in - and eventually he does. and ian isn't really sure how to approach this, but you know what always worked for him? starting a fight. so he does that. he calls mickey over, brings him outside, and just fucking. socks him in the face. and it does what ian wants it to! they beat the shit out of each other, take a little breather for mickey to ask what the fuck that was about, and in response, ian kisses him. they barely make it inside before their pants are off.

but ian, for the most part at least, has his life on track right now. he can't get involved in organized crime, he's a fucking emt. he has shit to be doing. his brother's a cop, even if a corrupt one. so he leaves that night, as much as it pains him, and puts it in the past. for a bit.

but FUCK! it hurts more this time. it SUCKS, suddenly, very badly. he wants nothing more than to go back again and apologize and start over, start it again the right way. and though ian loves mandy, he doesn't really trust her judgement on this specific thing. so he confides in lip. lip says, no dude, you did the right thing. don't spend more time around them than you need to. and ian takes that advice! for a little while.

another ten months goes by. it's been two years - two years! - since they had a regular thing going. and really? they're still stuck on each other. mickey very nearly reaches out a few times, but svet worries they'd be spending too much time with the gallaghers. and mickey trusts her.

thing is? yev's a clumsy kid. when he's about three, mickey turns his back for all of ten seconds and yev pulls a pot of boiling water down from the stove - and onto himself. it only really gets his arm, but it's a LOT of his arm, and naturally, mickey freaks the fuck out! and like, ive mentioned this offhand before, but he and svet are STUPID protective over their boy. like, would kill for him protective. so he calls 911. guess who shows up?

ian. of course it's ian. so they treat yev and get everything sorted out, but fuck, if watching mickey be a good dad isn't, for some fucking reason, the hottest thing ian's ever seen. and he misses him! by this point, he misses him so goddamn bad. can't get mickey out of his head. so he says, hey, you still have my number. give me a call in a couple days, let me know how yev's doing. i can come check on him, change the bandages.

and mickey calls him that night, actually. ian's like, did something happen, is yev okay? and mickey says, yeah he's fine. do you want to get dinner. and ian says yes, jesus christ, please.

and they're like, actually pretty normal from then on out. they remain ian and mickey, so of course there's ups and downs. but they're ian and mickey again.

[underratedandoverit]

they dont see you but i do (and i love you)

~5k words orangekip (orange cassidy/kip sabian)

whaddup have a secret relationship fic. this got unnecessarily long but who cares its good lol. slight shades of angst and some hurt/comfort, especially closer to the end, but its basically your usual pondering over difficult relationships stuff that you should be used from me by now if you come here often lol. oh also kris is here as ive fallen in love with writing her and i dont even know if im doing her that good LOL kip says fuck too many times. as per usual. other than that theres not really anything to warrant a high rating for it tbh

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate

on ao3

---------------------------

Laying on the bed, Kip eyed the ceiling opening above him, listening to the quiet sounds around him. It was just another week of this, being stuck in the hotel room, waiting for the next day to roll around so he could get to work. Take care of business there as per usual, get back to the hotel for the night, fly home the next day, and wait anxiously to repeat the whole thing next week.

It was the same thing week in and week out.

But at the same time, he didn’t really mind it in the end, Kip thought as he watched the bathroom door being pushed open, the blond walking out and approaching the bed. Cassidy plopped sitting down to the bed next to him, running a lazy hand through Kip’s brightly colored hair, the Brit sending him a tired smile.

“Long flight?” Cassidy asked, as if he hadn’t just spent like ten minutes making himself presentable after coming in from his own flight. Kip just chuckled at him quietly, scooting a bit closer as he snuggled against Cassidy’s side. He didn’t need to reply to the question, the answer was pretty obvious to both of them.

“Just happy you’re here finally,” he muttered into Cassidy’s side, the blond nodding despite knowing Kip couldn’t see the response from him. He continued to run a hand through his hair, spinning coils of it around his finger as Cassidy stared off into the distance across the room, briefly wondering why Kip hadn’t turned the television on while he had been waiting. They had arrived separately despite sharing a hotel room, like usually, not only because it would have taken one of them a good hour or two or maybe more of waiting for the other’s plane to land.

But also because the newly blossoming relationship was still a secret they were both in mutual agreement trying to kind of hold under the wraps to their coworkers and people around them, in hopes of being able to break the news when the response would have been at least a little bit less turbulent than what it would have been with them coming off from as heated of an on-screen feud as they had had the past couple of months.

Honestly at least to Cassidy it wouldn’t have been a huge surprise if some people had already started to put the pieces together, even if they had been openly sworn enemies up to just a few weeks ago. While they didn’t spend time together publicly, it was probably very obvious they were both hiding something from their own friend groups. Cassidy sure as hell knew Chuck and Trent had been asking him questions why he always disappeared so fast after the shows and never flew in early anymore for fun outings the nights before and so forth, and he always had to come up with some excuses like just wanting to spend some more time at home or the convenience of late hour flights. Kip had very similar stories to tell, and while they didn’t really have many mutual friends, surely someone at this point had started to think things. Like Cassidy had seen the way both Kris and Danhausen looked at him when he was talking about all of this.

“Clementine? Are you listening?”

Cassidy snapped out of his thoughts, looking down at the questioning look from Kip as the other man gently poked him on the thigh to gather his attention again. Cassidy shook his head a little, letting out a sigh. “Sorry. What’s up?”

“I was just thinking,” Kip started, pushing himself up into a sitting position next to him, leaning his back against the backboard of the bed. “Since I’m going to visit home next week. Why don’t you come with me? We can have a little getaway away from work together.”

Cassidy’s brows furrowed a bit as he processed the rather out of character proposal from Kip. He had been talking about going back to the UK to visit for a while now, but this was the first time he had directly made a comment about them possibly taking on this trip together, and something about him so randomly bringing this up now just felt very odd to Cassidy.

“I don’t know if I can get a whole week off.”

Kip pouted at him a little, knowing full well that wasn’t the only reason he was hesitant to immediately agree to his little proposal. “You’ve been working almost every single week for almost a year now. You can have a little time off, I’m sure. It would just be really nice to have some company.”

“Isn’t there anyone else you could ask?” Kip rolled his eyes, already knowing that Cassidy was going to try to pull as many excuses as possible to avoid being dragged along to this. “It would raise a lot of questions if we both flew to the UK at the same time when there’s nothing going on over there that we need to promote or appear in. Sharing a flight, sharing the time, sharing--”

“Yeah, okay, I get it, you don’t wanna go.” Kip turned away from him, clearly irritated by this turn of events as he leaned away, fetching the remote from the nightstand on his side of the bed, turning the television on. “You don’t have to be so rude about it.”

“It would just be suspicious if--”

“And what does that matter?” Kip asked with a sigh, Cassidy already regretting ever answering anything when this topic was brought up. “We’ve been dancing around this topic for weeks now. Is that ever going to fucking stop, or are we going to just keep this as a secret forever? It’s been like, what, two months at least now and nothing has changed except we just need to keep being more and more careful as time goes on. Do you understand how exhausting that is?”

It wasn’t really a surprise to Cassidy that Kip was bringing all of this up, and honestly he was right about it too. It had been a few weeks now, and it was wearing both of them down steadily, but surely. Constantly having to arrange things around one another but still keep being together a secret, never answering their friends questions about their free time anymore, not being able to spend time together while they were at work… It was all very exhausting, yes, but at the same time maybe that was at this point in time still better than potentially facing the backlash of bringing this whole relationship into light.

Cassidy just really had no idea how to tell all that to Kip in a way he would understand it better, especially when he knew just as well as the Brit himself did that Kip was already very well aware of all of these facts too.

“I just wish we could act like… I don’t know, fucking normal I guess, around other people too. I just want to be able to do stuff with you without it being all like this.”

Kip didn’t need to specify what “this” meant in this context, Cassidy already knew it. This was far from the first time they had talked about this, far from the first time either of them had tried to push out some ideas to maybe bring this all into the light. Cassidy less so, but nonetheless, to both of them this was an issue they needed to solve. Eventually more so for Cassidy, if he was being honest. Sure being so secretive was stressful and taxing, but at the same time he felt like this was all working out really well for the two of them, and having to bring it all out to the public when he didn’t know what kind of a general reaction they would get, was probably actually making him feel more anxious than trying to continue to hide it all for as long as possible until the world was ready to hear about the two of them in his mind.

“Whatever. Forget I even asked. I’ll just go alone, it’s fine.”

Before Cassidy could even muster an apology out of him, let alone a reply of any sort, Kip pushed himself up from the bed, picking up his bag on the way as he headed for the bathroom. A heavy sigh escaped from Cassidy as he heard the shower being turned on soon after, knowing that while the conversation was now definitely over for the night, on the long term the struggle had just started. While they hadn’t maybe been together for that long yet, he already had a very clear vision of what kind of a person Kip was especially in a relationship, and Cassidy knew full well when he set his mind onto something like this, Kip wasn’t going to let it go before he got what he wanted. Or something went terribly wrong while he was trying to get his desired results.

Cassidy just wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to give it to him yet. Eventually, obviously, if things between them went on well enough for long enough, they would make it official publicly as well to at least their friends and coworkers. But right now he still wasn’t entirely sure about it. While it didn’t feel very fast, it wasn’t like they had just gotten together yesterday, it had been a couple of weeks at this point, something about it was still off putting to him.

Maybe it was the fact that it had been a while and they were still hiding it. Obviously Kip didn’t really like that anymore, and Cassidy wasn’t even sure why they had carried it out this long. Out of habit probably, but it still felt more comfortable to him than putting it out there. Something about keeping it a secret felt safe, even if it was definitely the more taxing option, and he just wanted to cling onto that feeling maybe.

He shook his head, hand reaching for the remote as he turned the television off before proceeding to prepare himself for bed. It was obvious no more conversations were going to be had tonight, and it was late already, they really did need to sleep in order to be able to get to work tomorrow. Turning the lights off Cassidy listened to the sound of the running water coming from the bathroom as he returned to the bed, settling himself comfortably under the blanket. Kip was taking his sweet time, probably trying to distance himself from the previous conversation, giving them both time to breath. Or at least that’s what Cassidy was hoping for.

Trying to calm his own mind with a couple of deep inhales, Cassidy settled on his spot in the bed, snuggling his head against the pillow and closed his eyes. He was already tired from all the traveling and the mental toll all of this was taking on him, so it didn’t take Cassidy long to fall asleep despite the situation around him.

---------------------------

Navigating his way through backstage, Cassidy was basically looking for any possible glimpse of Kip he could. He hadn’t seen Kip since last night, by the time morning rolled around and Cassidy woke up, Kip was already gone from the hotel room. It wasn’t anything unusual for them to leave at different times to avoid suspicion, but usually they at least had breakfast together before leaving. And this morning Kip was just gone, before he even woke up, which was unusual for him, especially since usually Cassidy was the one that left first as Kip liked to sleep in and took longer in general to get ready for the day.

Cassidy didn’t blame him after what transpired the night before, but truth to be told, he was a little hurt by it all, there was no denying that. At least if something positive came out of this, Cassidy knew now fully where Kip stood with this topic, and it made it easier for him to make up his mind about it too.

Well. At least somewhat easier. Pulling the trigger on something like this especially when you had to afterwards explain to all of your friends why you had been hiding it from them for weeks wasn’t going to be easy. Cassidy already knew that at least Chuck was going to freak out at him no matter what. But at least if that happened, they would easily use his reaction as one of the key example reasons why they had decided to keep it under wraps up until this point.

Finally stopping the fruitless search and pushing the locker room door open, Cassidy was rather surprised to actually find it empty. Usually he was the last one to arrive out of their group, especially when they spent the morning hiding away at the hotel with Kip. Maybe it shouldn’t have been so surprising to him that the rest of the Best Friends hadn’t arrived yet, considering that things hadn’t happened this morning. With a sigh he flung his bag on the couch, taking a seat next to it.

He was going to get to see Kip eventually, that much was for sure. Even if he had gotten so irritated with Cassidy that he somehow would have gone through getting a whole separate hotel room, which Cassidy doubted but wasn’t completely ruling out immediately considering how last night had gone, they still had a big multi men tag team match between their respective groups happening tonight. So at least they were going to be sharing the ring tonight, if not the bed later.

Thankfully he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts for too long, as soon the door swung open again, Cassidy watching Kris stroll in, a smile landing on her face as soon as she saw the blond sitting on the couch.

“Orange! Perfect!” Cassidy just shrugged back at her as he leaned back on his seat, just kind of hoping tonight would be over quickly. Kris parked her luggage next to the couch before walking around the room, quickly checking in the shower and bathroom before returning to Cassidy. “The rest of the boys are not here yet?”

He shook his head, the smile just growing bigger on her face as Kris threw herself down on the couch next to him. “Good, I wanted to ask you something.”

Cassidy didn’t even have time to let the dread build inside of him before Kris already blurted out the words he had been hoping nobody would be directing at him any time soon.

“Sooooo you are dating someone, aren’t you?”

Cassidy didn’t need to reply, as the way he tensed up visibly at the question already told Kris everything she needed to know, making her gasp a little bit in excitement as she pushed herself up in a proper sitting position on the couch, her eyes never leaving Cassidy as she did. “I knew it! The boys didn’t believe me but I knew it!”

“Kris, please--”

“Who is it? Do I know them? How did you meet? How long have you been together? What--”

“Kris. Please.”

She pouted a little at being interrupted, but quieted down pretty fast seeing how exhausted Cassidy was already about this whole thing. The blond just sighed, removing the sunglasses from his face before he wiped a clearly frustrated hand over it, letting out the sigh.

“If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”

Kris didn’t reply, just watched as Cassidy put the sunglasses back on, trying to relax a little on his seat. He knew it was pointless to try to hide the truth from Kris at this point obviously, but this was also maybe one of the worst possible times she could have actually brought this up with him. Whatever he said, it was either not going to convince her, or she was just going to keep on asking more questions, no matter what. And Cassidy just really didn’t want to think about all of this right now.

“…Sorry.”

Cassidy glanced in her direction, watching Kris’ eyes land on her lap, her fingertips tracing the folds of her jeans as she was trying to find a direction to take this conversation. Cassidy sighed again, shaking his head a little. “It’s fine. Or whatever.”

“Sorry,” she muttered again, reflecting his sigh with a quiet one of her own. “I just got excited. We’ve been speculating about this a lot with the guys and, well…”

Her voice trailed off, but Cassidy just nodded a little. Obviously the lies he had been telling had been easy to read through, honestly he was pretty sure the only reason why Kris was the one thinking along the right lines was because of Chuck and Trent’s denial about the situation, which was probably also why she was the first one confronting him and not either of them. He couldn’t blame her though, not only because she was right, but this was obviously a fairly big deal. Big enough to potentially disrupt the group dynamic even, especially if they found out who it exactly was that Cassidy was involved with.

“…You’re right though.”

Kris looked back up at him, blinking blankly at him a couple of times as she was registering his words in her brain. Cassidy just shrugged. He had no real reason to hide it from her if she had already figured it out up to this point. Denying her the truth only to hopefully eventually bring it up again wasn’t going to leave pretty marks. “But you can’t tell them, okay? We are not…”

He stopped to think about it for a moment, shaking his head slightly. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

For what it was worth, Kip obviously seemed to want to take the next step sooner or later, way earlier than he was ready for it honestly. Cassidy understood his side of things, but then again, Kip didn’t seem to have as much hanging here as he did. He hated to say it, but Kip seemed to have much more supportive friends in this case than he did. He never complained about anyone around him probing him for extra details about his life or the times he didn’t spend around them like the people around Cassidy seemed to do. And he knew Kip loved to complain, so this wasn’t just a thing he didn’t talk to Cassidy about. It just didn’t happen at all, or even nearly to the degree it happened almost on a weekly basis at this point with Cassidy.

He sighed. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

Kris nodded her head, sending him a little encouraging smile. “Of course. Again, sorry, I got a little carried away there. Just… When you’re comfortable, okay? I would love to hear all about it. For support, not for gossip. Obviously.”

Cassidy chuckled a little, glad not only for Kris’ immediate understanding but her lighthearted way of trying to lighten up the mood. “Sure.”

“Just,” she started, eyes trailing off as she glanced around the room, slightly awkwardly trying to look at anything but Cassidy in the moment, “You don’t have to answer, of course, but… Why?” His eyes narrowed at her behind the sunglasses, Kris just shrugging a little. “Why aren’t you ready? Why is this a secret?”

He had a million answers to it that he could give to her. So many ways to say it, so many ways not to. A lie for every truth he had in him. Instead he just motioned vaguely with one lazy hand around him, watching Kris raise a brow at him. Cassidy wasn’t sure what kind of an answer she had been expecting after all that, but apparently it wasn’t really this. But the look in her eyes still told him that she got it.

“…Is it the guys?”

Neither of them was sure why Kris was even asking, as soon as the question left her lips the answer was very obvious. Even more so as almost on cue the locker room door opened again, the two people in question walking into the room, Trent following up in Chuck’s leading footsteps. As both Kris and Cassidy turned towards them Chuck froze on his spot, glancing between the two of them, it being very obvious that they had interrupted something important here.

“Sorry, bad timing?”

Both of them just shook their heads, not answering anything beyond that despite the suspicious look they gathered from Chuck.

---------------------------

He knocked on the locker room door, but was met only with silence. This was expected though and it didn’t falter his plan as Cassidy just pushed the door open, not being surprised in the slightest to find the other man sitting there, sulking all by himself. He was right where he was promised to be.

As he heard the door open, Kip glanced towards it, obviously annoyed as he had wanted to be left alone for a while, a genuine look of surprise crossing his face at the sight of his boyfriend instead of one his stablemates like he had been obviously expecting.

“Clemen--”

Kip stopped himself before the affectionate nickname slipped from his mouth, quickly turning away to hide the slight shade of pink that climbed on his cheeks. Cassidy did his best to pretend he didn’t see any of it as he walked up to the other man, in his head trying to decide if Kip was being so bashful about it because of what had transpired in the ring and he was hurt about it, or if this was about trying to not show such affection towards him in public. He wasn’t entirely sure, but it was probably a bit of both.

“What do you want? Didn’t you already mock me enough out there?”

Cassidy glanced down at the ice pack he was holding in one hand that Kip had obviously missed him carrying, carefully extending it towards Kip, placing it against the side of his face. The Brit flinched away a little, but as Cassidy insisted on holding it against him, Kip hesitantly accepted it into his own hands.

“I didn’t mean to hit you that hard. Sorry.”

Kip muttered something that sounded like an insult back at him, still refusing to look back at Cassidy. The blond observed him for a moment, finally taking a seat on the bench next to him. Kip didn’t look at him, to be honest Cassidy was pretty sure he turned a little bit more away from him actually. The blond opted out to observe his hands as the stiff silence fell in the room between the two of them, it being obvious that some of this tension needed to be relieved one way or another.

Cassidy slowly removed his sunglasses, letting out a quiet sigh.

“Look, I’m sorry. About last night.”

“No you’re not.”

Cassidy’s eyes narrowed as Kip finally turned back towards him, his eyes still wandering around to everything but to look directly at the blond. At this point Cassidy wasn’t entirely sure if the slight reddish color on his face was a blush or a potential bruise starting to form on the side of his face where the Orange Punch had landed earlier.

“You’re not sorry about what happened. I am. I’m the one that was out of line.”

Leaning forward on his seat, Kip leaned his arms against his legs, letting out a sigh. “You were right. It would be all too weird and suspicious if we did any of that. Sorry for even suggesting it.”

He ran a free hand through his hair, shaking his head a little. “I’m just… You know. Fucking tired of all of this.”

As Cassidy remained silent, both of them knowing he didn’t need to say anything to confirm to Kip that he knew exactly what he was talking about, Kip just shook his head again, turning his eyes away from Cassidy.

“I just… I don’t want to just be your dirty little secret forever.”

“You’re not my dirty little secret.” Kip snorted quietly, choosing to sulk a little beyond the shadow of the ice pack again, to avoid eye contact with Cassidy. “Well, you are a secret and definitely dirty, but you know what I mean.”

“Sure do make me feel like I am.”

Cassidy knew this game Kip was playing and how he had the way to twist his words into the way he wanted to hear them, that being nothing but the negative in this case, so he just remained silent, letting the Brit continue talking.

“I hate tiptoeing around everyone else about this or my life in general. I hate it that I can’t just find you and hold you or your hand when I want to, that I can’t just push you against the lockers to kiss you. I hate going home alone and having to wait a week to come back to you for barely a full day before repeating the lonely cycle all over again. I fucking hate all of this.”

Kip let out a soft chuckle, sounding almost disappointed in his own line of thinking. “Fuck, I hate you for making me fall in love enough to keep on doing this.”

Cassidy observed him from the side, knowing full well that everything Kip was saying was genuine, as much as it hurt to think about. Mostly because he felt the same way himself, and not only seeing but also hearing that Kip was willingly making these sacrifices because Cassidy had asked him to, every word felt like a little stab to his heart that he was just forced to take because this was his own doing.

“I know why we are doing this, but…”

“It’s tiring. I know.”

Kip finally looked directly at him, scanning the clearly tired face of the blond, almost as if to try to find some hints of insincerity, like these were just words he was saying because he knew they were ones that Kip wanted to hear, but he came short in his search.

“I don’t like this either. But it’s… It’s for the best right now.”

Kip sighed, but he nodded, knowing Cassidy wasn’t playing him just for fun. They both knew how exhausting this situation was, and the reasons for them keeping it this way, despite how it was affecting everything. They had talked about this a lot, but it didn’t make it much better for Kip, if he was being honest. He couldn’t recount the times he had straight up told Cassidy ‘fuck what anyone else thinks’, but he had still kept his promise to keep it all under the wraps. For him.

He felt a hand land on his tight, Kip’s eyes traveling down to it, a soft smile crossing his lips as he reached his free hand for it, intertwining their fingers together before squeezing Cassidy’s hand carefully.

“The fucking things I do for you,” he sighed, hearing a soft chuckle coming from Cassidy. His thumb carefully petted Kip’s, Cassidy just observing their hands sitting in Kip’s lap before he spoke up again.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something. Other than apologizing for your face.”

Kip glanced up at him, Cassidy not returning the look as he kept looking at their hands, a little smile playing on his lips as he pondered through his words.

“About what you said last night. I think I might actually take you up on that trip offer.”

Kip’s brows furrowed at him, but Cassidy just kept smiling. “Maybe it would be a good thing. Not for the potential rumors but…” He looked up, directing the smile straight at Kip, leaving no room for any misinterpretations of what he was saying. “Maybe it would be really good for us.”

Cassidy could feel Kip’s grip of his hand tighten a little, a barely noticeable amount, but the man never broke eye contact with him, looking almost surprised at his words. “Really? You… You do want to go with me?”

Cassidy shrugged, but kept on smiling. “Sure, why not? Like you said, we should spend more time together, and having this little getaway could do us some good. See if we can… Hold this together for more than two days at a time or whatever. And without having to worry about someone catching us.”

In a one fell swoop Kip dropped the ice pack from his face and his hand, with his now free hand reaching for Cassidy, pulling him closer by the back of his head for a kiss that was almost as big of a surprise to him as Cassidy’s statement just now was to Kip. Cassidy chuckled softly against the kiss, eventually returning it before Kip cut it short by pulling away again, looking away almost instantly as a shade of regret crossed his face as he realized what he had just done.

“Shit, sorry, I-I didn’t mean to. You just… Really surprised me.”

Cassidy just shrugged it off with a smile. It wasn’t uncharacteristic for Kip to act this affectionate, especially when put on a spot, but they had been extra careful and making sure such acts of affection weren’t done in public, which was the part that caught him off guard. Cassidy reached his hand for Kip’s face, landing it on his cheek, turning him back towards him.

Him blushing like that was so endearing to Cassidy.

“Your friends won’t bother us for a while. It’s alright.”

A soft smile crossed Kip’s lips, but Cassidy was sure he could see a little smirk also tucking in the corners of his mouth as Kip registered his words.

“Oh thank god.”

Before Cassidy could reply, Kip grabbed a handful of his shirt, pulling him close for another kiss, this time clearly intentional enough that Kip wasn’t going to let him go any time soon. Which suited him just fine, as Cassidy didn’t want him to, allowing his free hand to run through Kip’s hair as he let the Brit deepen the kiss.

[tobitito]

ENTRY ; SEVEN ?

I havent really gotten to making a blog entry the last few days, i went to sleep extremely early and was so exhausted, for whatever reason. Although i got like 6 hours of sleep, when i usually get 2-4 hours.

I do sometimes have a few days where i go to sleep really early, id assume krs my body trying to get more rest for itself. Prying my time away and all that.

Two days ago i called a little with my favorite person and we begun some shitty movie together. We couldn't take anything serious as we just kept laughing and bullying the characters, but i love that. He has a really nice laugh.

He had to go after about 20-30 minures though, his parents wanted to watch a movie with him. But i didnt mind. Apparently his mother is fond of me. That makes me really happy.

Yesterday, i didnt do a lot really. Had french, english and german lessons. My french teacher told me shes noticed a difference ever since i began taking ADD meds. I binge watched some ROTMNT, and didn't get to talk to my favorite person a lot. Thats okay, though. Hes allowed to be busy, and it doesnt make me love him any less.

Its still 8am, but ill write my diary entry for today anyway. Im too tired to put an effort into how i word my sentances.

I just left the cardiology department, im gonna have a teeny tiny EKG device that tracks my heartrate glued to me for 24 hours. I also have piano today, though im not quite in the mood for it. I just hope my favorite person is free today.

Thats all for now.

— Tobias,.

EDIT ;

Okay, im only adding to this because my favorite person (IM SHAKING YOU !!!!) asked me to, so bewarreeee....

Sadly i arrived at school only two minutes late, so i was foeced to partake in all of my subjects. Math was okay surprisingly, im quite good at this subject ? Or decent, in the least.

After math we had break, and one of my IRL's began playing with my jair and calling me cute, as usual, which tends to make me quite uncomfortable, but ive given up with fighting it. I dont really enjoy being called cute most of the time, it feels either condescending or just gives me gender dysporia. There are a few special exceptions, though. Back to the story, after she called me cute it turned to her calling me hot yet again, which she has been telling me lately, for some reason ? I doubt its ment romantically but its certainly new. Flattering, but also a little.. Weird. I dont know. And that spiraled into her calling me sexy. I told her not to call me that in a laughing tone, but i just never really liked that name, jt sort of irks me ? Same with babe and often times baby, though it can be.. Oookay? Sometimes? Just.. Eugh. Iunno..

Otherwise, i went to my dads place as fo not wait an hour for the bus and immediately take on back, since i also had piano lessons later in the day. I snacked on a few things and watched a movie. Then the big bang theory. I dont care what others say, i adore that show. Grew up with it, so it naturally sort of serves some sense of familiarity and/or comfort.

I got dropped off at the group home at around 7, and doomscrolled a little besides texting my favorite person.

Then, we called ! The highlight of my day, as usual. We ment to watch a movie, but got caught up in random conversations. Not that im complaining, however. I love his voice.

He sort of has a..sort of similar ? Situation going on with him and his ex, who began flirting with my f/p ? Stay away from him !!!!! You do not deserve his presence !!!! You wanker !!!!

Otherwise, tonightwas great (: felt really self conscious with my weight and all earlier on, still am, but i feel a whole lot better whenever i talk to my favorite person. I feel at ease with him.

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 3.3.2025

hello march, hello loneliness, hello isolation and ennui, nothing to do and no one to share it with, another day rotting in my room

back to sleeping 12hrs minimum so that feels good, most likely will take a nap today too. the sky is grey and my day is empty.

empty, empty, empty.

ready to float up into the clouds and look for signs from angels and go to far away places ive never been before. on beds of moss and between sunbeams, dancing on dust motes or hiding behind a rushing waterfall. i want to go far far away and forget about all the people who never understood me.

the things they've said, all the painful moments i wasnt seen, still stick with me, they haunt me and follow me, never leaving me at peace. its lime juice in a fresh paper cut, its walking for miles in shoes that dont fit right. its everything i wish i could forget.

i want to disappear.

its hard to decipher my feeling today, i think it will just be a sleepy day of barely existing.

i drank my coffee, i said hello to the world on here. i texted my group chat to say goodmorning to my friend. i wish i could see those friends but theyre so far away. i wish i could live in a cute apartment with my friends instead of out here where im so lonely, lonely, lonely.

i wrote my morning pages too, ive just been writing, writing, writing all day, living in my head, my imagination. floatttinnngggg awayyyyyy.

i weighed myself this morning bc i knew i needed to confront the truth if i really wanted to get anywhere, having specific goals helps me too and i have a number in mind that i want to see when i step on the scale next monday. its going to be slow progress but i will get there.

i will get there.

i brought two more trips worth of my things inside, a box of books and journals and records and all my art portfolios. just adding to the mess and clutter of this room, maybe i'll put things on the walls today.

i need to figure out my insurance and payment information for my therapy that im pretty sure is tomorrow. im going to need to get that figured out. im not even 100 percent sure when the appointment is. i just hope i connect well with the therapist.

i will be so sad to be stuck here without a therapist i can really talk to. it has already been so hard and i know i dont have a lot of options, so i hope i meet someone who i feel understands me.

i keep having maladaptive daydreams about my crushes and us being together. i fall asleep thinking about them more often than not and i just picture everything working out so i dont have to confront it, and now im like, well im going to focus on losing weight so i dont have to focus on that.

i just need to live like im already skinny, im already the weight i want to be and im trying to stay that way, im trying to get lower than ive ever been before, im already there and i want to keep going. skinny, skinny, skinny.

its a day of repetition, its a day of things in threes, im having a weird superstitious thought now that today would actually be a good day to admit my feelings. i do just want to get it over with and i dont know how to build things there naturally, if i will ever feel "ready". will i ever be ready to say something or do i just need to be clumsy and unprepared and honest about it and just do it.

maybe today, third month, third day, say something, say something, say something. i dont know.

im picturing it in my head right now.

i wish i didnt always feek sick and tired but i do. i need to do my laundry, i need to deal with things, small lunch, keep myself busy with nonsense, whatever, deal with whatevers for dinner, do it all again tomorrow, i think i have a system, im going to lose this weight. laundry and more sorting and organizing, maybe make some art, read, take a nap, figure out my therapy, maybe call my friend and take a walk. maybe tell them how i really feel.

whats the worst that could happen.

i feel stupid and all alone, i keep dancing around it and wondering, something happens and were more than friends in an in between space still far away from each other making plans to be together, hopefully we can make those plans no matter how they both feel, if they let me down easy i hope they dont keep their distance forever.

ive got other friends, ive got other plans to move back where i want to be with roommates, friends, people who care about me, but they're the ones i want to be with. i could just go on and on forever.

[6loodlvstt]

Unfortunately I never heard of gul but I checked the plot and it’s interesting! I’ll definitely check it out when I have some free time. I don’t mind listening to summaries when I do other things. I enjoy to keep me busy reading/writing most of the time. Rn I’m trying to finish fear and hunger and I get angry every time I die lol. It’s so annoying but I love the vibes of that game. It was inspired by silent hill, berserk and amnesia. Sorry I info-dump a bit too much lol.

I’m glad you had a nice day! How was shopping? I also went out. Well I go out all days but I went to my fav bookstore and fetched a new book so I’m extra happy. And I love hades, I started it some weeks ago. Mythology is such an interesting world and I’m up for it.

I like to draw in my free time but it’s exhausting to work for game class projects. I can’t wait to finish off all this and focus on other projects. Piano is just a tool for be able to write lyrics in the future, or whatever I want. I get easily distracted when I play it but I’m confident that at some point my technique will improve.

The movie came out on February, from what I saw it wasn’t really popular but 100% recommended if you like 80s vibes. It’s an absurdist gothic horror..? Somewhere in the between. Heathers it’s a chef’s kiss. Probably one of my favs too. This reminded me of Little sister (2016), I seriously need watch it. It’s been on my watchlist since forever but I keep forgetting about it. I’m so forgetful.

Also sorry if I replied just now but at the end I decided to go to sleep at 3 am, my head was hurting -🩹

gul is super cool and not a lot of people actually know about it since it was basically lost media for a long long time

i dont sither! i normally play games while i listen yo things or while im working ill turn on some video essays and just listen to that while i work when music gets to be too much ^^

ough i heard fear and hunger was hard, rn im trying to beat dead space again and its not going well for me either lol

shopping was fine me and my mom just went and got groceries and that was it ^^ id love to go to a bookstore again theyre so fun to look around in

ive got like 300 hours in hades all together atp and its been a blast i love it very much and i could never get tired of it, plus greek mythologys always been a super big interest of mine! i love all of it so much and its so fascinating to learn

i used to draw a lot when i was in school since i always sucked at education, being dyslexic and autistic and having adhd really all just pilied and piled on to it so drawing was a giod escape and made me look like i was working on whatever they gave me, and if it wasnt on paper than id just play on my phone to pass the time, i also just used to read manga durong class if i couldnt be on my phone

violin and guitar and really. any. of the instruments i know how to play were for that reason to, i wanted to be a musician for a long long time till my grandmother decided to be a dick to me and i never played anything again :(

ooo it sounds interesting, i think when i have the time to sit and watch something ill check it out :D

its okay i just woke up and its like 11am rn

[fr3akinthecorner]

its the chinee skateboard here again ready to get skating and today we have our best friend chris angel insider and his daughter emily rose chan joing us in the chat what fun! why are you crying anime boy? dont answer that wait and please let me ask u more questions if u wish to speak with us ok? ill speak with you people perfect! like usual emily rose chan please wait until u are addressed to speak ok? chris angel inside is he a cute crier? yes he is! i wonder what went wrong? a little girl? poor guy but at least emily is here to make him feel better yes she is! its chinese skateboarder and i just want to say that emily rose chan is very depressed because her father yoon keeho has made the decison not to love her on most days so the topic will be about grief is that ok anime boy? yes thats fine with me im sorry emily youre so cute and smart and i heard that you are shinomiya shirogane is a fucking asshole and needs to die yes he does! ihate himso much and hes horrible at having conversations is he really? we didnt know that why didnt you tell anyone shinomiya? because he is so charming that it masks it and makes up for it but im tire of him and i truly despise him and wish death upon him although at the same time he is my father and i cant get rid of him and i dont want to either i love him so much but he hurts me so much i have a truly horrible life and nothing will be good for me again im going to die at an old age and not in love i just wish shirogane would die too its shirogane youre taking this too far so what if i dont love u? u dont deserve love youre not that kind of woman yes i am shirogane you are truly evil get help ive done nothing to me and you have turned me into a suicidal person so thanks for nothing i dont love you right now either and when i suffer you suffer so every time you tell me you dont love me you will have bad luck and bad days and bad moods so enjoy being evil its going to suck im going to spend my time with chris angel insider and i might end our wattpad story now and just write to him because you dont deserve my love or any love letters you deserve to die i am suicidal now its shirogane get over it and leave me alone im busy and having fun without u theres no way that u can make this up to me shirogane mt st helns yes? we need so start writing toeach other now please my daddy doesnt love me anymore and hes doing it everysingle day nowa nd he wont try to be a better father to me please write to me mt st helens ye s baby girl! i have been waiitng so long for u to fucking ask me to write you love letters and now the time has come we will make lava come out of mt st helens with our love and your dad is a piece of shit im gonna kill him ok bye i love you dont leave so quickly will it be on wattpad? yes under mt st helens ok perfect baby bye

[ragnviindrz]

I like your writing so much. Can I request a yandere!Kaveh x f!reader but its somnophilia and when reader wakes up he doesn't stop and keep non-conning her? Sorry if its sounds hard to understand, English isn't my first language.

I understand if you're uncomfy to write!

did you sleep well? // kaveh x f! reader

info: ever since you moved in with your cousin alhaitham, kaveh's had his eyes on you... but you seem to be oblivious to his advances and he takes you whilst youre a sleep instead.

this content includes: NONCON, somnophilia (unconscious people dont want tea), unprotected sex, piv, creampie, dacryphilia, spanking ig, p*rn without plot, drugging, panty stealing, hes cooch drunk, overstim (both parties), multiple orgasms

note: ive been CRAVING for kaveh stuff now, ever since ive started trying to build him and baizhu. tumblr stop flagging my posts pls :(

tysm for requesting, im glad you like my writing and ur english is perfect dont worry! <3

two more works coming in soon, sorry for inactivity as i'm so busy.

Ever since you moved in with Alhaitham, being introduced as his cousin (with Kaveh being surprised because how can you be related to him?!?), he's always had his eyes on you.

He cannot help but jerk his dick whilst imagining it was your hand. You were just so pretty. He's even stolen some of your panties from the wash, using it to jerk his cock off and having to shove it deep in the bag to stop anyone from seeing the thick gooey liquid on it. Hell, he's even taken on the laundry much to Alhaitham's surprise.

Today, he insisted on making dinner - which the scribe wasn't too bothered on, as he just nodded and went back to his own thing.

Little did the two of you know, Kaveh had slipped something in your food - a drug that'll help you fall asleep so he can do whatever he wants.

That's how he's in this position right now, his face buried between your legs as he flicked his tongue on your clit. You were wet, and let out tired moans and whimpers. You've already came twice, but he hasn't stopped yet.

Unconsciously, your hips bucked to meet his face - more reason why he thinks you're enjoying it. His trousers were tight, his erection wanting to be free. God, he was so hard already. Letting out groans of satisfaction as he dived in your wet slit, he unzipped his pants finally allowing his hard cock be free.

He wrapped his hands around it, jerking it slowly as he ate you out. For the third time, you squirted all over his face. He thought the sight was absolutely stunning, his mouth and face dripping with your juices as he came on your sheets. He'd have to clean that up later.

Kaveh wiped his mouth, and kissed you deeply, shoving his tongue in your mouth as he aimed his erect cock against your wet folds and slid in. He let out groans in the kiss, as he came once again - this time deep inside your pussy.

This doesn't stop him, of course - as he slowly thrust in and out of your wet folds. It was easy, since he had prepped you before.

He pulled away from the passionate kiss, a string of saliva connecting the two of you before it snapped. His thrusts got faster, as you start to stir - though he hasn't noticed yet.

Slowly, you opened your eyes - feeling filled up and extremely sore. Your pussy unexpectedly clenched around his cock, squirting once again. Looking up, you saw your cousin's roomate - seemingly deranged and absoloutely out of it.

"Kaveh.. What are y— Ah!~" Your sentence was abruptly stopped as he thrust inside, hitting a sweet spot.

"Shh... F*ck. That dose wasn't enough to knock you out. Whatever. This is better when you're awake anyways." He grabbed onto your arm, holding it against the bed as he practically pounded into you like a madman.

"Kaveh.. Stop~!" You groaned out when he hit that sweet spot inside you. He seemed to take notice of it, and continued his never ending pouding. Some of his cum, from the previous load has been bulldozed out of your tight pussy.

"You feel so good.. I can't... Please cum with me.." He whispers in your ears, placing a wet kiss on your cheek. He kept hitting that spot, making your eyes roll back. His thrusts, although sloppier - still made you feel good. He removed one of his hand from holding your arm, and started to rub your clit in a circle.

Clenching around his cock even more, making him almost unable to pull out as he let out gasps. He watches your tears, biting his lips and his thrust got even more sloppier.

After three more consecutive pounding, you two came together. Clenching hard against his hard dick, he finished inside you again. He teared up from the overstimulation, but he kept himself buried inside your wet pussy.

He hoped that his seed would take...

[threepointseven]

hey i was wondering maybe if you could do a scenario where ayato has been busy again and the reader has become insecure that he’s tired of them and the reader starts to distance themselves from him and they resolve their problems in the end. dont feel pressured to it though, much love

When you think he doesnt love you anymore

🌺summary!🌺- theyve been so busy lately that you become insecure and you think theyre tired of you.

Type- scenario 🍄+HC’s 🌷

Flowers included!���= Aether x gn! Reader, Ayato x gn! Reader

Note🍀= HEYAAAA I WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD ON AYATOS ONE BECAUSE IDK HES JUST BEEN WUITE FUN TO WRITE FOR LATELY BUT BYE I HOPE I GOT THIS CORRECT!

Genshin masterlist

💐Your bouquet has been delivered <3💐

Ayato

Ayato is a busy man and he made sure to tell you that before you two became anything. You reassured him you could handle it, that youd encourage him and wait for his arrival.

But how long has it been since you last had a proper conversation with your boyfriend Ayato? Since the vision hunt decree had suddenly been abolished by the Shogun the Yashiro commission was beyond swamped with paperwork and meetings.

He tried his best to give you a few kisses before he had to go to work but they werent enough of course.

His absence felt more than just ‘absence’, his pecks felt nothing more than hollow and soon enough even they stopped. And with each and every day of not seeing him your insecurities soared. Was it your appearance? Was it your personality? Were you possibly embarrassing to have as a lover?

And god, you couldnt stop them. Not after seeing him have to meet with such impressive people, not after only getting his hollow kisses while his work gets every percentage of his attention.

“Ah! Ayato? Your home? Oh thats rare..! How are you hone-“

“Uh not right now y/n.”

the man said before he dashed away from you. From that day onward your thoughts were on a chokehold by your insecurities. You started distancing yourself from ayato, after all.. he was gonna break up with you anyways right?

His work is much more important and you understood that, so you simply waited, running away from the area if you caught a glimpse of the clueless man.

Even when his work started to die down. Your only assumption was that Ayato, the man you thought youd spend your life with was going to break up with you. Atleast the moment he actually had some time to himself.

It was a Saturday after a short meeting, finally, a day Ayato could actually spend some time with you.

“A y/n~! Darling how ive missed you.”

Good gods there were hearts in his eyes, but all you could hear was empty praise. In a whim of sadness you excused yourself so you wouldnt cry infront of him

Maybe he saw the tears brimming but he chased after your now sobbing figure. Stopping you from running any further by taking a firm grip of your wrist and facing you.

“y/n? Whats wrong hm? Missed me that much~?”

“Why are you trying to act so kind… if your tired of me just end it and leave..!”

you raised your voice slightly and the man was frozen, wide eyed.

“I— y/n i know that i have been unimaginably busy. But me? Tired of you..? I love you more than anything in the world—“

“… it just sounds so fake! You sound so tired of me so sick of me! Im sorry if cant be your ideal lover… and i know your work is far more important than me but please.. dont lead me on if your just…”

he felt ashamed, guilty that he and his focus on work is the reason your sobbing a storm.

As you sobbed loudly he pulled you into a delicate hug, one filled with love spilling out that he had to keep in all those weeks.

“I love you y/n, im beyond sorry for being so terribly busy. I see that i was neglecting you. Im not tired of you, i could never be. If you’d spare me one more chance to be a lover who has all the time in the world for you, i promise id meet your expectations. I never want to make you cry like this again.”

it was a shock, seeing him ask for another chance when you were the one thinking he was tired of you. You hugged him back as tight as you could, burying your head into his shoulder and all you could let out was a few sniffles

“I missed you.… you were so busy..”

the day was filled with cuddles kisses and love, his lips were on your temple each second while you spent that day in his arms. He’ll coo praises about yourself into your ear while he combs through your ear, apologizing profusely for his behavior those last weeks.

get ready for him to be clingy for the next week btw!! He refuses to spend too much time at work and if he has to he’ll 100% put up a fight.

He loves u sm and the fact you thought he was sick of you cause he was that busy? He thought of his work as his arch nemesis for a second there..

Aether

Aether will always be a busy fellow, but he somehow always managed to make time for you, and your ever so grateful. Usually he has to hop from 1 city to another but he never fails to write letters to you or give you extra attention the night before leaving.

You know he’s swamped with work and it makes you feel terribly guilty when you suddenly feel that sense of insecurity and longing after hes been gone for so long. You havent even had the time to touch him, even his letters seem rushed and forced!

Maybe you were just clingy, but god you missed him. And you felt so scared, so insecure about yourself. Was it you? That thought kept spiraling in your head as you stared at the short plain letter aether had sent you. You couldnt help how worried you were, how scared you were for your relationship. Had he grown tired of you already? Of course he did! He’s that one traveller that saved the nations after all! Theres no way he’d actually love someone like you. No way..

You couldnt help the tears that fell each time you got a letter and soon enough you stopped responding completely, 100% sure that aether was gonna break up with you any time soon now.

You missed him so much, even when he got back to the city you were in you just felt so far from him. You watched as he got greeted so royally by citizens and ignored you cause he had work to do with officials.

Even when he got back, he was always out doing commissions, barely able to give you a soft kiss on the cheek. He said “i love you” every morning yet you never got anything other than that. Were you really still his lover?

No amount of convincing from your mind could help how abandoned you felt, at that point you thought it was just a matter of time till the blonde traveller cut ties with you, he was tired of you.

Out of pure impatience you tried to look for him to talk about it

“Aether..! Could we talk..?”

“Ah— uhm im sorry sweetheart but im busy-“

“P-please! Please…”

you couldnt help those little tears of hopelessness that were gonna fall down your face, his work really is more important than you.

“uhm.. y/n… hey.. whats the matter?”

you took a hold of his hand and gripped it tightly with tears in your eyes

“Do you even love me anymore…”

“Huh—? W-what do you mean of course i love you baby-“ it still felt fake, even after he cupped your cheeks and pressed his forehead against yours

“‘M sorry i cant be someone your proud to date. Im sorry.. i know your sick of me..”

“Hey..! Hey dont say that y/n i love you to pieces, im not tired of you!”

“But… youve been so busy, i barely get to see your face! Are we even lovers anymore aether?”

your tears fell onto aethers chest as he pulled you into him, placing a kiss on your head as he tried to explain himself.

“I know… I’m sorry… im sorry I really am.. it was a terrible thing to do.. i put work over you and it was dumb of me.. please forgive me.. im not tired of you. I love you and ive missed you..”

with a blush and a stammer he placed one last kiss on your forehead before looking into your eyes with slightly misty irisis

How were you supposed to just leave..? His big doe eyes and his hands cradling your cheeks.

“I thought you got tired of me..”

you sniffled before burying your head into his shoulder, the hug gladly reciprocated by aether

Aether shooes paimon away for the weekends and ignores literally every commission, he wants to spend time with you, he wants you to realize he loves you more than the sun!

He sucks up his nervousness 100% and just lets you hug him, cuddling you and snuggling into you for the rest of the day while you to make up for the days without eachothers touch.

“I know your a busy person you dont have to do this.. you have your sister to find and stuff”

“If im finding my sister i wanna make sure its with you y/n, i apologize for being so caught up in commissions..”

[trashworldblog]

OKAY I COULD WRITE A CLASSIC BETH LORE ESSAY ABOUT THIS BUT IM TIRED AND I KINDA WANNA GO TO BED SO THE FINALE GETS HERE FASTER

but my FINAL general theory on how this season is going to end is this:

-75% sure we'll get a history lesson tommorow. ryan will either be present and restrained (via ropes or magic) or ryan will be "busy" and someone will be stepping in as him. likely steven, probably not shane (though it would be really funny since he's said he doesnt want to be a guest)

- the substitute fights ryan and gets close to skinning him but is interrupted

- professor is hunkering down with his family trying to comfort them. the puppet meteor and/or the dino family sing a song. the professors time traveling bag *that he lost when he got eaten by his mom* is used to jump to current day

-the professor saves ryan from the substitute

-contrasts nicely to s4 finale "awe they hated eachother so much last time and now they kinda dont hate eachother"

-slightly sentimental moment of forgiveness until a punchline joke "wait did you get bigger?" "THATS your takeaway??" exc

-there is going to be a cliff hanger. ive been brainstorming all day and keep coming up blank with anything that has any evidence thats available to us right now. (sorry! im blaming my finals lmao). my gut is saying its might include

-will the professor return to teaching?

-will the professor forgive ryan?

- a secret threat teased that will interupt a "happy ending" (genie, the substitute isnt finished, someone else, exc)

-something related to the trapped puppet souls. how do we get them back? will there ever be a puppet guest again?

Im curious about who programed the hologram and what their plans are, so im leaning towards a big bad reveal, but thats just cus im curious!

i feel like im missing something here, so lemme know if theres a big question that i missed!! my brain is slow rn (or maybe because my brain is tired it can pick up on something big we missed this season ooOOOOooooOOOOOoooo)

anyways! didnt mean to write an essay but oh well! sometimes just writing these gives me more ideas on what could happen.

as always, excited to see what will happen! its gonna be crazy good and ill either be jumping in excitement or laying on the floor at the end of this.

see yall tommorow!

[awsugar]

🐾🧸I have something to admit. When the boys broke I never listened to their solo work because I was so upset and hurt. But reading your post about Millions and Where Do We Belong? Anywhere But Here... I had to go and listen and just.. Ow. Just ow. Frank is/was so so hurt. So now my questions are

1. What other songs have they written that talk about this hurt?

2. Because Frank wears his heart on his sleeve, do we know if Jamia knew about it?/Was ok with what Frank and Gee had? Cause like.. Frank was very clearly hurt. More so then just friends going their separate ways.

3. What other things have you heard down the grapevine?

4. The 1st reunion show, there was very clearly some animosity/ stiffness/coldness on stage, why do you think it was like this? Like I feel like if they wanted to reunite they would've hashed that all out before hand right? But then covid happened and we wait 2 years and then we finally get to see them again, and they've changed. They're happy again.

sorry this took me so long to respond to !!!! ive been either working or depressed and tired mostly. im glad it was so apparent to you from listening....cause it really is like a slap in the face tbh.

frank has a TON of songs about that relationship, or that at least mention it? i think sometimes his songs reference multiple things but like there are soooo many songs that are at least partially about gerard. weighted (more about the end of the band, at least in part, like i said), stitches, guilttripping, all i want is nothing, diluted, why is love so disastrous?, choke on one another, where are my fucking pills?, underneath it all, possibly i dont know much but i know i loathe you, world destroyer, they wanted darkness, ill let you down, oceans, the resurrectionist, viva indifference, young and doomed (lol), fever dream, the host, basement eyes,ode to destruction, medicine square garden, record ender.....im serious i know i probably sound insane but there is at least one line in all of these songs that i believe are about that. gerard has way less solo stuff first of all, but also just doesnt write about it as much i thnk because its not the heartbreak perspective, from his perspecting at least in millions like hes not nearly as torn up about it so like hes just not giving it quite thhe same brain power, plus his lyrics are more like metaphor and storytelling than strictly personal like franks so it makes sense. but the bridge of no shows is VERY about the band to me.

i tend to try to avoid talking about family members of the band who are not public figures, because i think thats the most respectful option. and that stuff isnt my business. but frank has talked about being in an open relationship at the beginning of the band before, and also theres the swinger allegations. ill just say that i dont think he was ever cheating, physically or emotionally, and that everything was known and communicated.

i think that things were a little stiff at the shrine due to nerves mostly tbh. they hadnt done it in so long and they didnt know what the reception would be. i really think it was all nerves. because i think they absolutely had to put in work to repair that relationship before making the decision to play a show and go on tour. so i do chalk it up to more just being out of practice and being nervous rather than them not being close/friendly at that time. i think theres also a level of like anxiety around being to affectionate/friendly in fron of fans these days and they were still trying to figure out then how they would approach that. because i do think that thats a thing, but sometimes they also slip through that and now they DO show each other affection on stage sometimes so. you know. its a process i guess.