#i know the grammer is bad but thats my point

[andreaheartscats]

Ellie Willams

->stressed out reader about school work. -> fluff i guess? no smut. ->roommate Ellie

a/n: helloo there beautiful people! i hope you like this little fic i came up with, please dont mind any bad grammer (if there is any..i hope theres not) english isnt my first laungage so yea. love u all!

Five hours. Youve been studying for five hours now, the tiredness and sleepeness was carching up to you at this point. But the stress was like no other.

It was the last semester and you had so many tests coming up from every possible direction. You were sure that your eyebags had eyebags now, if thats even possible.

The dask was filled with random papers, books from diffrent subjects and many of your mostly filled notebooks. While looking through the papers you had laid messily around your desk, a gentle knock was heard from your bedroom door.

"come in." as you said those words the door opend slowly and there stood Ellie, your roommate and your best friend....and the person you had feelings for.

For a momment Ellie just stood there leaning on the doorframe as she looked at you for some time and finally spoke up. "havent seen you much today." she seemd a bit upset as she said those words.

"sorry Els, im really busy with studying.." saying that, you let out little sigh as you take your reading glasses off to rub your temples in frustration. Ellie takes a notice of your messy desk. Your tired eyes and the empty cans of many diffrent energy drinks laying around your bedroom floor.

Her face frowns a bit as she sees you in this state, honestly feeling bad for you. She noticed how much work you put in school and how much you try.

She walks towards you and crouchs down infront of you while you sat comfortably in your chair. The sight of her this close to you set shivers up and down your spine.

"how 'bout you take a little break yea?"she said with a soft smile forming on her face. The idea didnt sound too bad.. i mean you were pretty tired and a little break couldnt hurt.

Without saying much you just nodded your head at her while giving her a tired smile. You both laugh a little and decide to go to your shared living room and watch some TV.

"alright, you just sit there and ill get you somethin' to snack on babe"

you plop yourself onto the comfortable couch you two bought. Babe. those words triggerd the butterflys in your stomach. Even if you two were just friends, you melted every time she used some kind of pet names.

After sometime, Ellie came back with a bowl of popcorns and some other snacks. She sat them on the table carefully and looked at you with a proud smile. As if a kid would look at their parents when they do something good.

You couldnt help but smile at her. She sat next to you and threw her hand over your shoulder which caught you off guard a bit but you didnt mind.

As Ellie scrolled through the list of series and movies, she looked at you from thr corner of her eye. "you know..i just wanna help you a bit to relax. Youve been working so hard lately."

Her words were so calming. You snuggle into her, your head falling on her shoulder as she traced a little circles on your upper arm. "thanks Els"

you mutter quietly but making sure she knew you were greatful for her and for the things she did. In response Ellie just hummed as she choose a movie.

For the first hour of the movie you enjoyed it. Ellies arm around you as she held you close to her while your head was comfortably laying on her shoulder.. But for the next hour of the movie Ellie heard little snors coming from below her.

She glanced down and noticed you fast asleep. Not daring to move even a inch, not wanting to wake you up from your peacful sleep, she just stayed there watching the rest of the movie untill she finally feel asleep too.

Honestly this might be the best sleep you ever had. Literally cuddling Ellie, "your best friend" , roommate and most importantly your fucking crush!

[fanfictionlord]

I had thought about this for a while and I can't really get it out of my head and since I use tumblr as my diary at this point I decided to post it so here it is

In modern merlin fanfics they always make the knights of the round table arthurs friends with the exeption of lancelot and gwaine being mutual friends of both him and merlin probably bc if they made everyone who was canonicly merlins friend in the show merlins friend in the fic arthur wouldn't have any friends bc canonicly everyone likes merlin more anyway so I was thinking how could one incorporate merlins and gwaines canon relationship / friendship to a modern au and I had this striking thought you know how everyone has that one friend who is an asshole just the right amount and at the perfect time that no one really says or thinks anything bad about them I think gwaine really embodies that energy so I decided to combine these two thoughts into one specific situation and thus "the three times gwaine got punched for kissing a friend and one time he didn't" was born my idea was that considering how gwaines relationship to royality is the only way for a modern au gwaine to have a similar situation to go trough would be for him to be an affair baby who grew up with merlin while vaguely knowing who his father is and then sudenly came into money who then ends up going to the same collage with merlin who is a scollarship student and fallowed him there so his friend wouldn't have been alone in a place full of nepo babys and silver spoons and while gwaine has money he refuses to use the money to get into the school and instead gets in trough a sports scollarship which is where he mets arthur who he then introduces to merlin bc they are both on the rugby team and arthur is the deans son who is both rich and has ties to the royal family of whales - don't worry about the logistics I don't really know either - and even though its ovbious to everyone around them that the two likes eachother neither of them persues something with the other . Merlin bc he thinks arthur wouldn't be interested in a "pesent" like him and Arthur bc he thinks merlin hates every rich person with the exeption of aperently gwaine so gwaine is like I have a briliant idea why don't I kiss merlin in front of arthur that way he can finally get his shit together and confess which to his suprise works out somehow while getting him punched and he decided to spred his wisdom to other people as well and ends up doing the same thing for gwen and morgana with the exact same result including the punch and so he decides to take one last one for the team for his buddy percival and thats how he ends up getting a boyfriend himself thats all this is the whole premise of the fic and also thanks for reading my brain vomit if you for some reason read this far and sorry for the grammer and spelling mistakes I probably most definitly made but can't bother checking

[nickle-moth]

The New World.

(Sorry for any grammer/spelling errors)

Scott flew back to Rivendell, the rapture had destroyed most of the empires and he had to check on his. As he got closer, he could see the vines.

"Oh no"

He landed and ran to check on the antlers. Safe. Ok, Scott then went to Xornoth's prison. Destroyed.

"Oh no"

He thought again.

He ran out side and was greeted by his brother, standing on a vine.

"Hello there"

…

Scott was unable to escape the circle he was teleported into, probable due to magic, and he was face to face with Xornoth, who was outside the circle.

"Xor Xor please."

Scott was begging at this point. What was he supposed to do! He had a husband and a child to look after. But Xornoth didn't know that. Then they heard rockets, someone land, and quick footsteps twords there location.

"SCOTT!"

"JIMMY, STAY BACK"

Scott yelled to his partner.

"Adar? What's going on? Are you ok?"

There child, Newt, asked him.

"Everything's fine Newt, just stay with Soña."

Newt wasn't the only one Scott was trying to reassure.

"Adar?"

Xornoth asked his brother, stepping into view of Newt and Jimmy.

"Yes, I have a child, and a husband, and thats why I need you to let me go!"

Scott pleaded to his brother, who walked over to the other two. Jimmy hugged Newt tightly to his legs, but didn't move, letting Xornoth get a good look at his nephew. Xornoth crouched down to eye level with Newt,

"Hello there little one. I dout you've heard of me but I'm Xornoth, apparently I'm your uncle."

Xornoth introduced himself to the child.

"I've heard of you! Adar talks about you a lot!"

Newt said happily. He was glad he could finaly meet his uncle, and his uncle looked so cool too!

"Oh? Does he now? What does he say about me?"

Xornoth was intruiged to know what his brother said of him in his absence. Thinking it would be like, 'he's a terrible person' and 'he deserved to be locked away' and stuff like that.

"He says that you were really cool, and an awsome big brother, but one day you were taken by the corruption. And the corruption is bad but that doesn't necessarily make you bad. So he and some other people had to lock you away, but he feels really bad about it, and really didn't want to, and said he was going to help you weather you like it or not! And… he really misses you."

Xornoth was surprised. He had just heard the exact opposite of what he expected to hear. He stood up, walked over to where Scott was, and wispered so only Scott could hear him,

"I miss you too, but it's too strong. I'm sorry."

Xornoth deactivated the magic keeping Scott in the circle, and vanished. Scott imediatly ran over to Jimmy and Newt and wrapped them into a big hug.

"I got to meet uncle Xor Xor!"

Newt exclaimed.

"Yes, you did!"

Scott was glad Xornoth didn't hurt them, but sad that he might not be able to help his brother.

Suddenly, a giant purple god-looking thing appered.

"You need to leave. Come with us, we are taking all of you to a safer dimention. No one will remember what happened in this demention, but we are sparing your memories, because you have a child. If you wish to keep your memories, you will not tell anyone about anything that happened in this realm."

The god explained, and they followed it through the portal it made. 'I know this symbol all too well' Jimmy thought, but ignored it anyway.

"To better hide the memories of others, you must not be allowed to stay as you are. We will have to hide your species from others."

"I can just become a normal elf, no wings or antlers. And maby change my outfit too."

Scott offered. The god agreed and purple filled the air, moments later, Scott's wings and antlers were gone.

"What about you? Little cod?"

The god asked, gesturing to Jimmy.

"I don't really know."

Jimmy said, and thought for a moment.

"Maby we can make you another hybrid entirly?"

The god offered. And Jimmy agreed.

Purple filled the air once more and now Jimmy's fins, tail, and gills were all gone. Replaced by small yellow wings.

"I'm a bird!"

Jimmy was a little excited, Scott's feathers were always so pretty, now he had his own!

"What about me?"

Newt asked the god, and it thought for a moment.

"I have an idea, if you will allow me"

Newt nodded.

Purple filled the air for the last time, and now, Newt was left with pointed ears, and gills.

"Is this ok?"

The god asked the three before him.

"I still have a little bit of Soña, and Adar! It's perfect!"

Newt exclaimed, already loving his new look.

"It's wonderful."

Scott said, and Jimmy agreed with a nod.

"Live safe little ones."

The god said before it, and the portal, vanished.

"So, no one will remember us?"

Jimmy questioned his lover.

"And we can't remind them."

Scott finished.

"Guess I'll have another chance to make peace with Fwhip."

Jimmy said to himself, but it was overheard by his husband.

"Thats what you're worried about?"

"Not worried, just… excited, no enemies this time! A fresh start!"

Scott was excited by that too. 'A fresh start' he echoed in his mind.

The next day went well, Scott and Jimmy introduced themselves, and Newt, to their new neighbors, and were hanging out with each other when the god appered for a moment.

"I forgot to mention this yesterday, but all of the emperors personalities have been inverted, for the sake of better protecting their memories."

It said to the family and vanished once more.

"THAT'S WHY LIZZIE WAS SO NICE!!"

Jimmy exclaimed. And Scott burst out laughing next to him.

The rest of the evening was calm, no gods, no end-of-the-world, no wars. Just Scott, his husband, and his child.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

I hope you enjoyed! This is the first fic in my new au that I have yet to name! (<- help please)

A few quick things:

I am by no means a writer, so this is written very badly, sorry

"Adar" is what I'm using as the elvin word for father

"Soña" is what I'm using as the word for father in whatever Jimmy's first language is (I'm just calling it oceanic)

The symbol Jimmy recognised was the watcher symbol, and the god was a watcher

If I get any personalities/story wrong, sorry. I'm trying my best

If you don't like it, don't be mean, just move on

I think thats all, more to come soon!

(ps, Jimmy, Scott, and Newt aren't the only emperers who have their memories!) <3

[lostacelonnie]

Surviving is one thing but befriending the alt girls? Now thats thriving congrats on the friend acquisition. Oh yeah absolutely thats super cool of your mom. To be so chill. More parents should aspire to be so chill. Birds are just chill dudes who exist & you can see them & its great. Fuck gulls though. They're nice to look at but will be bastards if you have food in some places. Ive been trying to learn german here & there and it is. Something. Mood but for english. Who needs grammer rules fuck em. I dont know polish so i definitely cant say. You probably mentioned it that sounds familiar but dang. Well it at least wont be as bad? My joke answer is gay sex would be less gay than whatever bronya/seele & march/stelle have goin on. My serious answer is that but also that was really well paced & written. Svarog my bro. Love him. Cocolia confrontation had killer music & the interaction with preservation was cool too. Love fire stelle abilities. Mobile is tough but just gotta fuck it we ball through it. Ill definitely have to add rain world to my list. Dredge is like. Lovecraftian horror fishing sim. Its really neat. River city girls is a simple beat em up adventure game where you fight through town doin little quests on your way through the main one. Real fun easy controls & the soundtrack is real good. Please do id love to hear your exploits. Yeah i have work a lot & so does she plus her kids so i dont talk to mine much either. Im getting to the point in star rail where i am catching up like genshin so ill probably log in less on that too unless more story happens or an event catches my eye. After next planet story anyways. Im not far enough in simulated universe to do swarm disaster sadly. Just gotta. Level them characters as usual. Ps5 star rail gave me gepard which he's good but like. I want bronya

YEAH ITS GREAT and thank you!! we have different groups this year and im very happy ab this bc most of the popular girls im scared of that i shared a group with last year are in the other one now. so im chillen. yeah shes VERY epic hehehehe!!!!! love her. YEAH frfr i agree.... ab the gulls as well i almost got Physically Attacked by one when i was on a trip on an island near alicante cos i was hanging out in the sea and went towards a small island not far away from the shore. not knowing there was a gull nest on it. but i took the hint when one started Screaming at me like halfway through. god i am scared of these things. theyre cool but from a safe distance. and ahhh good luck with learning german!! i took 4 years of it in primary school and still dont know a thing. but its a very charming language so maybe when i get a solid hang of spanish, ill revisit it. tho it Is funny to joke with my friends ab how i didnt allow ppl to germanize me. german was mandatory under the nazi occupation and theres this one patriotic song with the lines "nie będzie niemiec pluł nam w twarz / ni dzieci nam germanił" [the german will not spit in our face / nor germanize our children] but these days its often used for jokes ab having to learn the language. and yeah i suppose thats true!! it is what it is. anyway. YEAH i actually agree with both the joking and serious part andkfnjjb ESPECIALLY the cocolia boss fight. GOD that was cool. i honestly dont use fire trailblazer abilities that much but yes she does come in handy. good luck with surviving on mobile o7 also keep me updated if you do end up playing it!!!!!! its unbelievably hard but like. in a good way. OOH BOTH OF THESE SOUND VERY FUN!! speaking of which i have so many games i wanna play..... but i literally just spent around 200zł [a bit under 46 dollars] two days ago [wait im gonna tell you how in a second]. which actually connects to dye update: i redid my hair since it washed off pretty quickly [but ah i look so nice in red] for the very event i ended up spending way too much money on. and yeah fair rn im actually going onto genshin more often than star rail bc the fontaine exploration + catching up on sumeru exploration is just. So fun. havent played swarm disaster yet either...... no time...... i have a Lot of stuff to do for school recently. its been like what. 2 weeks. and we already finished the first chapter from history and were gonna have an exam soon. which im Dreading btw bc for some reason i went for extended history in school despite being physically unable to remember dates. but hey at least extended geography is easy [so far]. so fuck it we ball. anyway ah congrats on getting gepard!!! hes pretty overpowered yeah but i want bronya as well [i say barely ever logging into the game]. which is pretty funny bc i already got 3 5* things on standard in star rail while being like 150 pulls in and they were two claras and GEPARDS LIGHTCONE. which i cant even use on march since i run her in clara teams in which i need the taunt on clara. Lol. but whatever. ANYWAY ABOUT THE EVENT uhhh you Might recall that i went to like a. con-adjacent thing last year. its actually just mainly for buying merch but a Lot of people go in cosplays. anyway i went this year as well and got a bunch of prints [of focalors, fischl, signora, silver wolf, kafka, and miku], and some other stuff [charms of himeko starrail, silver wolf, and kafka, as well as bronya honkaiimpact3rd and kafka pins]. and a very cute choker. so YEAH for the sheer amount of stuff i got id say its a very good price but i still feel bad ab spending so much money in one go sjdkgkgjh

[duine-aiteach]

Is maith liom ag caint as Gaeilge uaireanta mar níl aon judging ar mise. TÁ mé dona ach ní care mé! Chuir isteach an focail as Béarla, cad a céap gach duine eile? Who cares. Tógann tú spraoi as

[scarletwidowaf]

Ghost Of You - chapter 3

A/N: i think that at this point, me being to lazy and tired to fix grammer and mistakes became a part of the story. Also im very sorry for the angst, im kinda winging it but hopefully stuff will be less painful soon 😅

The beautiful art is by the incredible @chloroformcandles ! Go check her works! Im honestly obsessed and even used her art as icons on both of my scarletwidow blogs.

Warnings: angst of course, mention of death (obviously)

Words count: 1391

ao3  *  wattpad  *  Tumblr story index

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Ever since wanda joined the avengers she was trained in hand to hand combat.

Its not like she actually needed it, she always thought to herself and said it multiple times to the other female avenger and trainer, but Natasha always raised her eyebrow at her and smiled cockily at her in return.

One of wanda's favorite training sessions with natasha was when they were on the run. Steve Insisted they'll keep training as much as they can, even more than they used to as avengers. Natasha agreed, wanda did too but it didn't stop her from complaining every morning when the two women were already panting before the crack of down.

"You're too slow"

Natasha said, her hands holding the younger girl down on training mat.

Wanda tried to push the shorter woman down but with no use, natasha was small yet her grip was strong and her steady firm.

It was amazing that even when they were training and sweaty natasha still managed to look painfully hot. The older women smelled like vanilla and sweat and wanda had to admit that it wasn't a bad combination.

"Well its 5 am natasha, I'm barley even awake" she joked,.

wanda could see natasha holding back her smile. It was funny, really, that Natasha could hold the best poker face and go undercover without a hiss and without ever getting caught, but couldn't contain her smile when it comes to the younger woman.

"So lets make a deal, maximoff. If you can pin me down to the mat i will get you the coffee you like from the coffee down the street"

Wanda smiled.

"They do have a great coffee.. " she said. Natasha agreed, she liked their coffee and she liked the satisfied smile on wanda's face after she takes the first sip.

"I still don't see a reason for us to train combat" wanda grumble out. Natasha smiled at her and wanda's heart skipped a bit.

The younger woman knew she was getting into a dangerous zone with Natasha, but she couldn't help herself.

"I just gave you a reason maximoff. Im 5'3. If you cant take me down what would you do with stronger, bigger, rougher opponent?"

Natasha raised her eyebrow and moved to get up.

Natasha stood and held her hand out to the younger woman.

"You say that wasn't rough, romanoff?" Wanda asked faking annoyance.

"Barely" natasha smirked.

Wanda took the older girl's hand and got up as well.

"I will get that coffee" wanda said.

"Bring it on"

Natasha's smile was dangerously hot.

That was the problem about Natasha Romanoff, wanda knew that no mattar when, or at what situation, the older woman's smile will have a power over her, just like Natasha had.

And that was the only thought that crossed in wanda's mind when the two sat on wanda's bed in her crappy London apartment.

Its been a week since natasha came back and the two did their best to try and understand the circumstances they were in.

The good news were, that Natasha could come and go as she pleases.

wanda didn't knew where she was going when she left and natasha didn't say.

It could be counted as bad news as well.

At the few times when the two womem got frustrated, natasha would've leave, wanda would've cry and then natasha would come back and sit next to her, as close as she can.

The truth was that wanda missed being close to natasha, she was happy to have her around, to talk to her and hear her voice, but she missed her touch and her smell and having her around was getting painful.

Sometimes Wanda wanted to hug her and sob about everything.

And natasha wanted to be able to hold her, and hold her hand.

They missed each other, and sometimes it was too hard for them to be so close to each other without being able to touch.

"I went trough Agetha's book again" wanda finally said. Natasha put down the book she was reading, another novel wanda never heard of.

Wanda couldn't help her envy, because the book was something natasha could touch and hold and wanda wasn't.

"And?" Natasha said.

"I found something but i dont know how to perform it."

She confessed.

"Maybe we can go to someone who might know. Strange maybe?" Natasha said

"I dont think thats a good idea.. Ive been avoiding the other avengers ever since westview" she admitted

"Was it that bad?"

"Its just complicated. I brought vision back for awhile, well, kind of"

Natasha looked at her quietly encouraging her to continue

"I could bring him back but only there, i build these perfect life in there, nat, i had a family and a house and everything was so normal even when it wasn't"

"Why wasn't it perfect?"

"Because as real as it felt it was all a big lie. An illusion"

"Were you happy?"

Natasha asked.

"Yes" wanda admitted. Natasha smiled sadly.

"Then in was worth it, in a way" the older girl said.

"You weren't there" wanda said after a few moments.

The younger woman got up from bed. She wasn't able to sit still or look into the other woman eyes.

"I guess a part of your consensus knew that if I would've been there it wouldn't be perfect" natasha said sadly and got up as well.

"I doubt that there's any reality, fake or real one, that I wouldn't have been in love with you" natasha continued and wanda felt wetness on her cheeks. She was crying.

Natasha stood a few steps away from wanda, she didn't want to get too close and overwhelm the crying girl, but she couldn't stay away neither.

"I'm sorry nat"

"For what?" Natasha asked confused.

"For bringing you back. I just missed you so much and i was selfish.

I guess you were wrong natasha, I'm not a good person"

"I missed you too, every single day in the last 5 years."

Wanda looked up. Her eyes catching natasha's red ones.

Both women were crying. Natasha's cheeks were stained and her eyes were red, yet she was holding herself together pretty well. Probably as as a result of years of holding things inside and making her feelings.

"I blamed clint, you know?" Wanda confessed.

"We had a fight after i found out you were dead. I blamed him for not keeping you safe, and then left. I didn't spoke to him since then"

Wanda catch a glimpse of Natasha's book on the bed and wondered if the lead characters got their happy ending.

Natasha sigh, her hands massaging her temple.

"I dont know what they told you wanda. But i chose to jump. I could've let clint jump"

"You're lying, clint said-"

"That i had no other choice? Knowing him figured its better you wont know that, so you wouldn't be mad at me for doing that."

the two women were so close to each other that wanda could imagine natasha's hot breath and vanilla scent.

Natasha could see the small freckles on the younger girl's nose.

"You want to know why I don't deserve to go to heaven? Wanda" Natasha asked.

Wanda wiped her own tears.

"Why?"

"I'm selfish.

I could've let clint jump but i knew that I couldn't live with the burden and the pain so i left him to live with it instead.

I could let the world stay how it was after the snap, but I didn't. Not because I'm the honorable person you think i am, but because of you. I wanted you to get the life that you deserve."

Natasha smiled bitterly and gestured with her hands to the room they were in.

Wanda wanted to respond but couldn't. Her throat was dry and her head was aching.

"I should go" natasha said and before wanda could protest the older woman was gone and she was alone again.

After a few minutes of crying the witch took a few breath to calm herself down, before she went to her nightstand and took out a disposable cell phone.

"You're not selfish natasha, i am." She whispered.

The young witch typed a few digits and held the phone to her ear.

After a few rings she heard a familiar voice.

"Hey agnes, i need your help"

[mingot-studios]

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

 How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown  over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change 

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed 

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the  end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

[bucky-iss-bae]

3am Cravings (Derek Hale x Reader)

A/N: It’s actually 3am for me while posting it. Thats why this is most deifnitly not my best work. I just, I wanted to write, and post something, I’ve got so much to improve on. 

Fandom: Teen Wolf

Pairing: Derek Hale x Reader

Warnings: A few swear words, hormononal annoyance?? 

Word Count: 1044

Masterlist  

Fandom List

You were awake at 3am again. You hated not being able to sleep, and all you wanted to do was eat. But then even eating was a mess right now. You hated the smell of most food, ate the weirdest combinations, and always hungry at the most ridiculous hours. Which you hated even more because right now you couldn’t sleep, you were hungry and it was 3am.

You were a little bit jealous because the person who caused all of this was sleeping peacefully beside you. Not worrying about back pain, not worrying about cravings, not worrying, while you were sat there not able to get to sleep again. Your body was getting big, swollen in places you didn’t want to be swollen, and this made everything so much more difficult for you. But you had decided, you were hungry, you were going to get food, and you did not care if you woke your husband up because once again, he’s the reason you’re like this.  

“Derek” You said poking him awake, “Derek” You called again,

He shot up this and looked around confused, “Huh, what? Shit, you good baby? Whats up?” The slur in his voice made him sound both adorable and sexy, any other day that would’ve turned you right on, but now you just had one thing in mind.

“I’m hungry” you announced, “I want food”

He rose his eyes before falling back on this bed, “You woke me up at…” He looked across at the clock, “3am. Just to tell me you’re hungry”

You nodded at that and he ran his hands over his face, his eyes slightly dropping still, “Okay. You want me to go grab you something from the kitchen?” He asked me,

You grimaced slightly, “Um… well. You know how you love me”

A small adoring small appeared on his face, “Yeah baby, I love you. I also want to remind you its 3am”

You couldn’t help but huff out at that crossing your arms across your chest.

“Fine. You go back to sleep, because you don’t have bump to worry about. I’ll go get food myself” You grumbled climbing out of bed,

“Y/N” He groaned, trying to reach out to you, “Shit why do I forget how sensitive this pregnancy makes you” He murmured under his breath,

You turned to glare at him for that but instead slipped on some sweats and a hoodie before leaving the room to go downstairs.

“Stupid husband who doesn’t have to worry about stupid food or stupid cravings because he’s just a stupid man who doesn’t have to put up with this stupid shit” You grumbled under your breath, although you knew that this bump was most definitely not stupid, instead the best thing to ever happen to you, it was just a little bit inconvenient at times like this and with someone who cared more about their sleep. Although Derek had been helping so much, and been doing everything for you, you still got a little tiny bit frustrated because hormones.

“You know I can hear you right” He said from the top of the stairs,

“I don’t care if you and your stupid werewolf hearing can hear me. Stupid” you grumbled with a pout. You had to sit on the stairs to slip into some sneakers. It was getting more and more difficult.

“Come on baby. Let me go get whatever you need, you go get back into bed yeah, you’re supposed to be on bedrest anyway” He said from behind you.

“There’s no point. I’ll just sit there, bored, like I always do. And then I can’t sleep. So I’m literally only in bed because my back is so stupid because you decided to get me pregnant”

You could literally hear the smirk, since getting pregnant, Derek’s protectiveness had grown, he rarely let you get up to do anything, and then when your Doctor recommended being on bed rest, or at least resting more than usual, Derek took that literally.

“Baby, we decided on this. Just a reminder”

You turned around, giving him another glare, he was stood there in only his boxers, he was definitely not going anywhere.

“No, you and your stupid dick decided this” you said getting up with great difficulty, groaning in pain in the process. You still had a couple of months left of this but your bump with the cutest thing, even if it did make your whole body swell up.

He was helping you within seconds, an amused look on his face when you were both stood at the bottom of the staircase.

“Y/N, baby, give me two minutes. And I’ll go get ready, let me take you at least, I don’t care if you’re pissed at me. I know right now you’re a little…”

You cut him off with another look, “A little what?”

“A little… um… hungry. Hangry…”

You smiled and nodded, “Glad you get it. Now hurry up” You said slapping his ass causing him to jump which made you giggle, a tiny bit.

He shook his head and went up to get ready while you waited.

He came down a few minutes later wearing a wife beater and some grey joggers.

“Damnn, my baby daddy looking sexy as fuck” You grinned at him,

“Someone’s changed in the last two minutes” He said giving you a quick kiss before the two of you left.

“Where did you want to go?”

“I want a cheeseburger” You said, “But it’ll give me really bad heartburn. But I’ll be fine”

He looked across at you, “A cheeseburger? Where from?”

“McDonalds” you grinned,

“The things I’m doing for you baby”

“I know, and I love you, even if you are stupid, and I’m sorry for always being so… so frustrated. I’m just tired, and hungry, and I love you” He squeezed your thigh with his hand,

“I know baby, I love you too” He said, “And I knew what was to be expected whenever you got pregnant. I knew these midnight runs would be a part of it, at least this time you didn’t threaten to call someone to come get you”

You laughed at that but held his hand as the two of you basically went on a 3am date.

A/N - Sorry about all the typos and the grammer mistakes, I’m a whole tired mess xoxo 

[arithesimp]

Best of Friends|

best friends- to enimes- to whatever the hell they have now. a very complicated relationship, that y/n y/l/n and Draco Malfoy have, chances are they won't figure it out any time soon

WARNINGS:none that i can think of

a/n - i wrote this on tumblr so i couldn't do everything properly sorry for the grammer

Slytherin!FEM¡ reader X Draco

y/n and Draco had been friends since they were two, their parents were best friends, and business partners, neither of them had much loving parents. only having their mom's and each other for support, "you two will eventually understand." was all their fathers said to them, never once did they know what that meant, and they never will.

starting their first year, they had one order, make friends with Harry, Draco went with a more aggressive interduction, whislt y/n went with a softer one- while neither of them were in Harry's favour, y/n was still given a nodd or short talks in the hallway.

in second year y/n began to hang out with Blaise zabni, of course she still hung out with Draco, just less. this of course made Draco angry, many arguments happened that year, "i can have more friends than you!" "so you're just gonna abandon me?!"

in third year they became super close friends again, like cuddling and kissing and so on, however that all changed when, Pansy and Draco started dating and Blaise and y/n started dating. Pansy and Draco didn't last long, "Pansy! why are you always down my throat?! for godric's sake! it's always 'Draco this and Draco that' just shut up!" "fine! maybe you'd be better off without me!" "i would be!"

they got back together after a day. but ended up breaking up the third week of school, for good

y/n and Blaise never fought though, unless it was about candy or food "no, i got that one!" "no- i did you got the every flavour beans!" The two dated for the first half of the semester.

Thats where we start our story.

y/n and Draco we're talking with Blaise, y/n and Blaise hand in hand, all three laughing about how Hermione had tripped in class today. the trio was walking to hagrids new class, care of magical creatures.

"Draco i swear if you agatate that- freak of nature that we'll see in class today i'm killing you." y/n said as Draco was complaining about that "oaf" as he called hagird teaching classes.

"Draco you're just dramatic." Blaise said adding onto y/n's point. "says the one who cried about charms last week" Draco fired back

"yeah but you were crying over potions yesterday, Draco" y/n said, "shut up- you cried over that muggle song you heard last month!" Draco and Blaise said in unsion.

"ulch! no, The story is a really sad and emotional song!" y/n defended her self, "look theres potter and his cult" y/n whispered

Draco looked up and sure enough the golden trio was standing right there "pottah! do you go anywhere without your possy?" Draco yelled

"wha'dya want malfoy?" Ron asked rolling his eyes "just wondering why potter's always with you, and the mudblood." Blaise said

"Blaise elias zabni, i will hex the hell outta you if say that again." y/n said grabbing her wand out of her robes, "sorry,love" he said looking down at his shoes

"malfoy why do you look so embarrassed all of a sudden?" Harry spoke up, pointing out his blush. "oh thats funny pottah! i don't get embarrassed." he said quickly looking away from the couple.

"Harry, ronalad, let's let the love triangle figure it's self out." Hermione said grabing the boys robes and turning them around "not so fast bush tail." y/n spoke up

"y/n you're so nice, if you'd stop hanging out with them you'd be much nicer." Hermione said turning around, putting her hand on her hip "i suppose it's because you need the attention from them, you wanna be notcied" Hermione added

"what did you just say to me?" y/n said pulling out her wand "i said, you hang out with them because you wanna be noticed, you want every to either want you, or be envious of you." she said

"you little-" y/n began drawing her wand as did Hermione but the boys on each side managed to hold the girls back and calm them down. y/n began walking again, shoving past them, pushing Hermione down and kicking her slightly before walking on "that'll teach you to disrespect me."

of course this angered Ron and Harry "y/l/n- how dare you?!?" Harry said drawing his wand "eat slu-" Harry barley got his words out before Draco shouted "STUPEFY!" lauging along with Blaise and walking off

"watch it you three, i don't play nicley if you're on my bad side." y/n said scowling at the girl just now getting up, the scarheaded boy regaing stablity, and the readheaded boy still looking at the two boys walking to the class.

at last they were in hagirds class, "this looks interesting." y/n said sighing, after hagrid explained everything, he asked the class whi wanted to try, every one took a step back except for y/n was zoned out, throwing stones at some kids in the class, and Harry who had his head in the clouds.

"grea! yuh two c'mon den! hop on!" he said grabbing the two and putting them on the hippogroff, "no! i am not! hagird you put me down this second or i'll sue! put me down!" y/n and Harry protested.

once the two were seated on the createre hagird explained some more stuff to the class real quick "Harry- no tension after this, got it? we won't talk we'll just sit and enjoy, got it?" y/n asked, Harry nodded

"righ then off ye go!" he said smacking buckbeak so it takes off. it was pretty eventful but due to the new found rules, Harry was the only one enjoying it.

a little over half y/n started enjoying it to, feeling the wind through her hair, streching out her arms along with Harry "this is actually kinda fun!" y/n yelled "yeah i guess" he said while holding back a laugh

"shush scarhead" she said smiling slightly. when they landed the two's hair was a complete mess, Draco being jealous as usual decided to make the greatest desecion and yell at the animal "not so big and bad are you" he began "d- d, don't do it." 'd' was y/n's nickname for Draco, and it gave him butterflies every time she said it so he always obliged

but this time he ignored the butterflies "you great big ugly brute." he yelled, this offened the hippogroff so it clawed at him, pushing Draco down "d!" she yelled letting go of Blaise's hand to run of to him "i'll sue you hagird! i will!" she yelled "it's killed meh it's killed meh!" he groaned, rolling on the floor.

"it's alright Draco, hagird help him!" she said holding her best friend's hand "righ well i tak em ta thea hospital wing" he said picking Draco up, y/n quickly followed after kissing Blaise goodbye "hurry hagird we have to get him to the hospital wing!" y/n explained

"i'll get you back for this! and your bloody chiken!" he said "hagird he's hallucinating!" she said "nuh he's noh" hagird rolled his eyes "he's jus exagratin'" hagird explained

"oh okay" she said letting out a heafty breath.

once they got to the hospital wing y/n sat next to Draco immediately, "d?! you alright?" she asked putting her hand on top of him "mhm" he said

"i can't believe you nearly got yourself killed this early in the year." y/n said laughing "hush y/l/n" he said rolling his eyes "right well Blaise said he needed to talk to me after class ealier so i'll be back later" she said getting up and kissing him

she was in for a treat.

[rainbowcrowley]

this is going to be a very long, angry and upset post but i need to get some things off my chest. if you want to add an opinion or reblog it, please read everything before doing so, thank you.

(also grammer mistakes and mispellings inc, english is not my first language, so bear with me)

why aren’t people tagging major spoilers from the new Marvels Avengers game?

and with “people” i mostly mean the stony/stevetony fandom. i’m really sad and disappointed. this is not going to be a full rant or anti-post... idk i just wanna explain my feelings and i hope people can learn from this and understand - so this won’t happen again in the future. also i’m not going to call out any names.

so

yesterday i saw some tweets with screenshots of the game blow up on twitter. i was just scrolling down my timeline, head empty, just my daily twitter check up. i follow some (maybe 5 or 6) stony fan accounts and there were screenshots of a very particular scene EVERYWHERE. no escape. i saw them, saw the characters in it, boom, damage done. a major story campain spoiler right in my face. without any tags. not even a spoiler warning.

i mean.. it’s twitter. like, i’m not gonna go into full detail about my issues with the platform now, but ya know... it’s twitter. but i know a lot of you are using it as well, so i thought mentioning it would be suitable.

i told my friends who are going to buy or have already bought it, including @ylissianprince, that i just saw a major spoiler and warned them that these are going around in social media. i went to bed, afterwards, already quite upset.

next morning (today) i woke up to a few texts from @ylissianprince complaining that she got spoiled too - but from bigger blogs here in tumblr. i haven’t checked tumblr much these last days and i’m glad, bc it’s not only screenshots but full gif sets going around. @ylissianprince told me that NOTHING was tagged as spoilers. nothing. a few hours later we discussed the whole thing and she told me that she asked one of them to please tag spoilers. they didn’t tag everything with it... which is ??? okay? at least they tagged some things i guess. i mean, the damage is done already. our discussion inspired me to type this down and post it.

and i’m just so angry? like, if it was a small spoiler, an easter egg or a character being in the story who nobody expected, i’d be fine. i don’t mind minor spoilers. but this is a really big one. and tbh? it almost ruined the game for me. i’m still gonna play it bc it’s fun (i played the beta and i love it) but i feel like this precious and emotional moment got stolen from me - i wanted to experience it myself, while playing. not to mention that the ps4 version of the game is 70€ (in germany), which i didn’t pay in full myself - i had some financial support, bc i’m broke af - but i’m 100% sure there are other people just as upset as me and who paid the full price for it.

idk how many of you play (story based) video games, but it’s like... an interactive movie or tv show. you would hate to get your favourite tv show spoiled, don’t you? which brings me to the next thing that bothers me:

if it was a new mcu movie, people would go crazy if any of the bigger blogs would reblog spoilers without tagging them. people would share 100+ posts about how spoiling something is bad and disrespectful. they tag spoilery posts with a million variations of the movies name + “spoilers”. i’m one of these people, too. i don’t have the most organized tagging system, i know, but i ALWAYS tag spoilers. but why didn’t people tag this? bc it’s “only” a video game? it’s still a piece of media that can be consumed like any other. like a movie, a book or a tv show. i don’t see the difference.

there are some people who gained early access to the game, which is... yikes, but this is not a post about the issues of twitter OR the video game industry. ofc there’ll be videos on youtube. we can’t change that. but we can change how, where and with whom we share it. thats why the internet came up with tagging and blacklisting systems.

i could go on forever, but i’ll stop now, bc i think i have made my point. i’m upset and i hope i could reach at least someone and made them think about their actions and how spoilers can ruin things.

so... long story short: tag your damn spoilers, no matter the type of media.

thank you for reading. <3

[andreaheartscats]

Ellie Williams

tw! mention of sh

-> Ellie Willams comforting reader about self harm.

-> modern AU.

a/n: this is rather long and im sorry guys if it was bad and if it has any grammer mistakes!! i tried my best fr :')

It was winter, your favorite time of the year. Maybe because of the cold air that would hit your face when you step outside or maybe the fact that you could wear long sleeves without anyone saying "how are you not hot?!" or "arent you sweaty and hot under that hoodie?"

It was the weekend. You were in your dorm you shared with one of your very good friends, Ellie. She didnt know about your problems, mostly because you thought she doesnt care about them. She was just your best friend and also smoke buddy.

Oh but boy were you wrong.

Ellie was out, buying some stuff for dinner. It was already dark outside. While she was out, your feelings got the best of you and all of your stress and anger bolied up till it exploded.

Few little tears slid down your face as you open your box that was mostly empty besides some random stuff you had and your blade.

The drom room was pretty heated up so it would sometimes get too warm. Thats why you were in a short sleeve shirt while Ellie was out.

Bringing the blade to your wrist, you went across it rather harshly. One, two then three times you did that when you heard the door open. "baack! got some chips for the movie"

You heard Ellie say, but you were unable to form words at the moment. Quickly rushing, you put your blade in the hidding spot and throw on a zip up hoodie as you step outside your bedroom to greet her.

Your eyes were stained with tears and you put up a weak smile for her when she faced you. Of course Ellie noticed that. She alwalys does. And she saw those healed up scars, of course she has. But she never pointed them out because she didnt want to make you feel uncomfortable.

"Hey.. you good?" she asked you in such a sweet tone as her eyes frown a little. Shooting you a rather sad smile with concerne over her face. Taking some time to process what she just said you nodded with your head "yea. 'm good."

As she heard your words she knew something wasnt right. You werent really yourself for the past few days to be fair and she had every right to be worried.

Placing the bags on the counter she walked towards you. A soft smile spread across her face as she put her hand on your shoulder.

You looked at your shoulder where her hand rested and then back at her. "you know, you can tell me anythin' babe." those words echoed through your ears as she said them. And something inside of you snapped. You felt safe with her, you always did and she made sure you knew that.

A tear dropped from your eye, then another and another. And finally you were full on sobbing as she brought you close to her hugging you tightly while you cried into her chest.

Ellie didnt mind that, she didnt care if you stained her shirt with your tears. All she wanted was for you to feel better. After you let it all out and calmed down a little she pulled away her hands gently rubbing on your upper arms as she looked at you.

"come on"

she said in a low and soft vocie as she gestured to the couch.

For a moment you two sat i comfortable silence while she examined your face for sime kind of a answear and patiently waiting for you to speak up. But all you did was stare at the ground while tugging onto your sleeves. The stinging of your fresh cuts made you uncomfortable, it burned.

Your eyebrows frown together as the burning sensation got worse. Ellie noticed your face and she grabbed your hand to hold it gently. Her hands were rough but they felt nice.

"whatchu making that face for.."

She said a little worried. She noticed you tugging at your sleeves a lot and so she let out a deep sigh out that felt like it was trapped in her forever.

"bae..are you hurtin' yourself ?"

she always used pet names even if you were just friends. but she finally decided to ask you. of course she knew the answear to her own question but all she wanted was to mske sure she was right, she didnt want to make assumptions.

And when she asked you that, it felt as if the whole world stopped for a bare moment. you squeeze her hand as you nod your head, scared to even say anything or look at her.

Ellie lets go of your hand and squeezes your cheeks as she makes you look at her. "its okay that you do.." she pauses for a moment "well..its not but you know what i mean."

Ellie lets out a little chuckle making you yourself laugh a little as she caressed your cheek gently.

"i just want to help you, alright? please let me help you."

after you heard her words she looked down at your wrist as if waiting for something. you finally understood and lifted your sleeves reaviling your scars, some healed some not.

Ellie quickly runs to the bathroom as she took a wet paper towle and some bandages. She cleaned the cuts gently as you wince in pain slightly. After she cleaned your cuts, Ellie wrapped the bandages around your wrist not too tightly but not to loose.

"thank you Els..i-"

she cut you off as she hugged you tightly. you gave into the hug. it felt safe and warm. You felt safe and warm with her. After pulling away she looked at you with a smile on her face.

"how 'bout we watch a movie, yea?"

of course you agreed and for the rest of the night you were cuddled up close to her while she traced gentle touches across your bandaged wrist.

[nisaadventures]

I’m turning 30 in 10 days... yikes.

The last year of my life has sucked... lol. Okay, it wasn’t all bad. I’m exaggerating... but I’m also not. I know there were plenty of nice moments in the last year... but when I think about the last year of my life, its just full of so many firsts... awful firsts... 

First time celebrating their birthdays without them...

First holiday season without them... anyone else miss mom’s turkey? Most people don’t like traditional thanksgiving dinner because the turkey is more often dry... mom’s was never dry... Okay the key people.. Don’t actually cook your stuffing in the turkey. Its just going to suck all the juice life out of your bird... I mean come on. Trick #1 stuff the turkey with fresh cut oranges and yes, you can leave the skin on... #2 do majority of the oven time in an oven bag to keep the moisture in. #3 cook breasts down. Its the part thats usually most dry, so duh... keep it in the juicy, buttery goodness of the pan. I never made the entire meal, I usually just helped mom with everything. These are just some things I’ve taken away in my observations. 

Halloween trip to Disneyland without them... Disney is always a good time, but I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t feel heavy in some way... and that is saying something because Disneyland is my happy place lol. 

Looking forward to 2020... Hoping that it had so much better in store for us. 

Dear lord... what a joke. 

Going to Hawaii for our “family trip” without them...

A pandemic without them... I mean yes, I’m thankful they aren’t out there with COVID on the rise... I’m glad they’re not stuck at home because COVID. Mom and Michael are both too much of busy bees to be cooped up in the house for too long. 

Not going to lie... picking up where they left has been hard. All of moms plants... The dogs.. Taking care of the backyard, where Michael usually would. Mom would definitely do too much at once. She’d be out in the yard planting something and pulling out something else in her damn UGG boots! wth mom?! Those are expensive! lol. “Oh its fine.. I’ll wash them.” Omg lol. Either that, or she’d be over here trying to move heavy a$$ pots by herself and I’d have to stop her before she hurt her back. Ayiyi. 

Keanu and Aria’s birthdays without them... seeing my babies sad and missing their grandma, grandpa, and aunties has been hard. It will be out of nowhere sometimes... and all the nights of Aria waking up in the middle of the night crying. I feel you baby girl... I get it. I miss them too... Its okay to be sad... Mantras... 

You were her little rays of sunshine. Grandpa and grandma loved you SOOOO much. 

Mom would babysit the kids on Saturday mornings, while Kuya, Vaness, and I went to workout. They’d go get breakfast, pancakes and eggs, at UJs. She’d take them to Target, the dollar store, Walmart, etc. just so they could look and maybe get something to play with together. She always crafted with them. 

Living in this house... especially with COVID... has been hard. I miss just sitting at the dinner table, eating sho mi, and talking about work. Mom and Michael getting all worked up over some crazy manager, or something going down with the union.. yup, that’s where I get it from... advocacy and leadership skills FTW.  One thing they could always talk about for HOURS was work lol. 

I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would let me play in the bathtub until I was all wrinkled. She would let me bring all my toys into the tub. At one point I even had a care bear doll that she, for some reason, let me take in the bath lol. She’d throw it in the dryer for me after I was done. 

I remember going to the grocery store with mom and leaving with two full a$$ grocery carts because we had a full house at all times. I mean it was Kuya, my cousin Jojo, my brother Derric, my cousin John, Bubba, my cousin Jay, me and whoever else was over the house lol. When Kuya was in high school, it was all of his buddies partying at our house and crashing on the floor in the living room, dining room, and all the couches. She was the #1 host for sure.

“Are you hungry? Did you eat yet?” 

Thats love. 

All of Kuya’s high school friends called her Mom. My friends called her Mama Fern. She loved that. 

I remember playing hide n go seek in the dark in our tiny town house.. Later in the bigger house on Glenbriar... where mom actually tripped and broke her arm... But she laughed so hard she peed her pants, so she was a good sport? lol. Needless to say, we sort of stopped playing after that.

I remember making dim sum with mom for the first time. Such a hot mess, flour and food everywhere, but so fun. We definitely didn’t do that again until there were more adults around to help lol. Mom knew how to run through a kitchen like a tornado. Hot mess! but the best cook. 

Mom was always careful. She always wanted to make sure we were safe, that I was safe. I couldn’t go outside unless one of the boys was with me. When I would swim she would get nervous, even though I learned how to swim at a young age thanks to Kuya. One day, we were having a bbq, lots of family over, I was playing in the jacuzzi (drawing on the wall of the jacuzzi with a piece of chlorine... don’t play with chemicals kids lol) and she thought I was drowning? So she jumps her a$$ in there fully clothed and yanks my a$$ out. I was shocked as hell, so I naturally started crying hella hard and complaining about the fact that she scratched me when she yanked me up out of the water lol.

Keep in mind that that was not the first time one of the twins jumped into the pool fully clothed to “save” someone hahaha. 

 Speaking of fully clothed in the pool... The time auntie tripped and fell slo-mo style (that questionable, are you going to catch your balance, speed) into the pool LOL. Mom was dead laughing at her. Most hilarious video. 

Those twins lol. 

Jeeze.. speaking of the twins. They had this crazy connection. Tell me why when mom got sick with suspected viral meningitis and had to be hospitalized... Auntie straight up followed her right into the ICU with viral meningitis... 

Who remembers their 50th birthday? Talk about doing it BIG. So much fun. All the performances. Lani was there... KMA performances and kuya and John getting down for Maglalatik. Who doesn’t like seeing some half naked, buff dudes, bang coconuts together? haha. The twins getting down with their hula performance. Cute!

I remember when Mom and pops were going through their divorce and she would text me after midnight. I was going to Sac State and of course I was team NO sleep at the time. I would be in the AIRC studying. I’d comfort as best as I could from a distance... and then come home on weekends to be there with her when I could. 

She found her footing again. Started going to the gym with Kuya more... Started running all the time... all of her half marathons and finally she did the Nike Women’s Marathon. 

Hiking Half Dome with her. What.a.badass. 

That is really how I see her. She was so badass. When she was my age she had my 9 year old Kuya and I was on the way... She was working and supporting us and then eventually decided to make a better life for us, and went back to school... NURSING SCHOOL. wth. I can’t even imagine doing that right now, but reminding myself of where she has been and how much she PUT IN WORK... That keeps me grounded in the fact that we are responsible for our lives. If you want something, you have to work for it. You can’t just hope for better... you make better happen. 

I guess its that reminder... her strength... her and Michael’s love and hard work... That keeps me going. 

Being mindful... being thankful... acknowledging my own strength... 

But with that said... August has been increasingly hard. I don’t like to think about my birthday. I don’t even want to plan anything. They’re not here... I can’t celebrate with all my loved ones and friends. Thank you COVID... 

We’re just getting closer and closer to the anniversary? Nah.. lets not call it that... anniversary sounds like something nice... something to celebrate... This is NOT that. The day your loved ones are taken is not something to celebrate... I mean honestly, if I had to pinpoint the worst day of my life, that was it.... When I think about that day I can’t breathe. Terrible memories... so many sleepless nights. I’ve come so far. Its still hard, but I’ve come a long way. 

Anyway... this post is sort of random and nostalgic. Things I hold onto. Things that make me happy cry... Things that weigh heavy on my heart. 

Here’s my playlist for grief... reminders of them... collected over the last year:

Aloha for now -Kaleo Vai & Passion 

One day at a time -Jennifer Chung

In the end - Gabe Bondoc, Melissa Polinar, Passion

Round and around -Kolohe Kai

Fade Away -Rebelution

Alive -The Green

New Day -Kimie’

Angels above me -Stick Figure

Memories -Maroon 5

Wish you pain -Andy Grammer

100 -Katchafire

Everyday life -Coldplay

Out of the darkness -Isla vista worship, Bre Reed

Amen -Andra Day

Grateful -13 Crowns feat. Poo Bear

Rainbow Connection -Gwen Stefani

Be okay -ZOE worship 

With you -Eryn Allen Kane

Dont worry -Mesto feat. Aloe Blacc

Just livin’ -Sensi trails, Kbong

Remember me -Miguel, Natalia Lafourcade

Even more -Major

Let it be -Xav A.

Give Thanks -Iya terra, Stick figure

Mr. Sun -Sammy Johnson

Rest easy -Thrive, Nico of Tribal Theory

Sunny Days- Allen Stone

Today’s a new day -Common Kings

Mother’s Love -Jonah Jaxon, Micah G

The bones -Maren Morris, Hozier

Give you blue -Allen Stone

And we remain -Johnnyswim

Yellow -Kina Grannis

Streetcar -Daniel Caesar

Meant to be -Bebe Rexha, Florida georgia line

All you need to know -Gryffin, slander, Calle Lehmann

Like I’m gonna lose you -Jasmine Thompson

[justabeadlizard]

STAR WARS CHARACTERS THAT WAISTED POTENTIAL IN THE SEQUALS

I am in no way saayig i liked these characters i just think they could have had better and more satisfying arcs. Sorry for the spelling and grammer also i forgot the movie names 

Criteria: 1. They were in the 1st and 2nd movie. The third had no room to introduce new people or give them satisfying character arcs. 2. i remember them. at the time i begin its 12:35 am and i hope god kills me

8. that force kid

ya know that one kid who had the force at the end of the second movie and was never addressed??? with the broom??? its like this post where were they going with that???

7. Captain Phasma

i forgot who played her but she was like.....cool and should have been a scarier villian. she did demonstrate girl power by not having tity armor, proving some of the storm troopers could have been girls this entire time, and having cool armor. but thats it

6. Hux

look i dont like this bastard i just think he could have had a consistant charcter?? like bad guy, prank called, spy???? BITCH WHERE!!! he had an Aesthetic and they trashed it. also when did we all decied he had a cat????

5. Kylo Ren/Ben Solo

i might not like hux but i hate this guy. and i hate him so much because he’s my fav trope done bad. like look i SIMP for Zuko ok? like absoulutely and Kylo?? he had potential. the whole han stabbed himself would have been genuenly cool. the force parter thing? rad! the idea that there needs to be both light and dark for the universe to be balanced and with a power couple?? love that! if he had a genuenie redemption and felt bad and appologized to all those he hurt. but disney just said bAgIc TrAcKsToRy and robbed us of what could have been a cool character. i have so many emotions about him but i also hate this stinky man

4. Rose Tico

Rose’s sister did not die with a fucking matching space necklace for rose to go out the window in ROS. like that i get i wasnt expecting them to be like Pacific Rim and let her mourn her siblings but she and Finn kiss and that is never addressed. at all. like what? what was happening god were the 2nd and 3rd movies even connected??? she deserved so much better!!!! i love her!! another kickass woman lead!!

3. Poe Damion

ok first off hes gay so write that down. but also he is sorta robbed in the second movie right?? like i wuld have loved for him to spend time with Finn. like that scarf in movie a la 3 but like theres nothing. hell the comp het they making him do in 3 isnt even that hard of an effort and that one detail that he’s waiting to give his lover his mothers ring??? god use that why dont ya. im loosing my grip on the physical world at this point

2. Rey

so like did her parents matter or not??? Im confused. also why did we need to know that palpatine knocked someone up. let her parents not matter or have them matter!!! She’s a cool female protag but peop[le still be out here like women cant force bend. I DONT CARE SAY UR SEXIST BUT LET HER BE A WILD AND MESS GIRL!!!!!! LET HER HAVE JUST AS MUCH GROWTH AND RESPECT AS LUKE!!!!!! i want to care about her but ive lost that along with my ability to smell

1. Finn

hey ya know who are some of my fave characters? the clones. why? because of their very unique perspective. they fight in this war yet most of them have no illusions. they were built to kill until they are inevitably sacrificed on the battle field. Stormtroopers are evenmore so as they are not even allowed to make familial connections or have names in the system. Finn could have been such a cool character with such a cool perspective. also his force sensitivity should have played a larger point in the movie. in the scene were he gets a bloody handprint on his face it would have been so much more rewarding if we knew that as a force user he was an empath and felt that person die. the implacations of a thing i just now realized. think about it!!! raised in a cold emotionless place and the first major emotion spike is death?? im aware that as a trooper that wouldnt have been the first major moment he felt others emotions but what if that was the one where he figured out what was happening, willingly amplifiyed that persons emotions so he could fell them more clearly and then felt them die. also he and poe were dating 

THE SINGULAR EDIT THAT WILL EXIST--THE ONES WHO WERE DONE DID DIRTY THE MOST WERE THE CAST!! I STAN ALL OF THEM AND ALSO EVERYONE WHO HAD TO WORK ON THOSE COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD MOVIES THANK YOU AND STAN JOHN BOYEGA ESPECIALLY NOW

in conclusion, im not sorry and i do make the rules. i will never edit tjis and it is 1:16 am, my limbs are week and i cant spell. luke should be on there but i feel like i can make another 12-1 am review about him a lone so maybe i will. im going into a comma now  030

[unordinary-analysis]

Episode 165

Honorable mentions:

Not @ how sera literally did not react to arlo saying that he had her suspended?

I know that the last time people were saying the word oof was like 2018 but I literally can’t stop i swear it only comes out when im typing.

Is seraphina aware that cecile is currently working with John? Is anyone other than the superhero posse?? 

I love cecile and i know i keep saying this but for some reason whenever i see her in scenes, i still feel like i miss her even during the scene like? I don’t know what’s missing from her appearances, but i feel like i haven’t read cecile since before the hiatus and it’s messing with me

I WANT CECILE TO FINESSE THE SHIT OUT OF JOHN NOW THAT SHE’S IN ARLO’S OLD POSITION. ARLO JUST CREATED THIS BIG CONFLICT (? wording, but i mean how he ended things with john (doesn’t sound like what i'm describing)), BUT I NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY MIND TRICKS ON JOHN PLEASE

The caps are immature i realize they lower my respectability and i’ll reflect on that. Lots of self-reflection today hm

I “talk” too much in these. Like. Notes from me, the author. I don’t like especially how much i did it in this weeks thing but we always have episode 166 so

Started this like an hour after episode 166 came out so you know im hating myself rn

But it’s here so yay

Arlo and Sera’s conversation:

    We’ve given up on names so here we are. Also, this isn’t going to be all that thorough or structured if that makes sense. I have sparse thoughts on this conversation other than ohmygod i love that this is happening. So this is probably going to be like slightly more than honorable mentions: arlo/sera edition.

    First off, the things that surprised Sera about John, or just the whole situation, surprised me. She, overall, seemed genuinely surprised about his power and some things he hid about his past. And, I mean, I get that, but she seemed almost as concerned at the fact that John wasn’t homeschooled than when she learned that he was powerful enough to be the king at his old school (grammer?). I don’t know. I’m bad at explaining. Thinking too, thinking is hard. Anyway, I noticed that she questioned the most about how bad/powerful could john really be and stuff like that. Example: “Why do you and Elaine both talk about him as if he’s some kind of monster? Was your experience with him really that terrible?” Sera had a difficult time grasping just how powerful John was. This surprised me for a bunch of reasons. 1. He’s literally? Joker? Everyone is afraid to death of him, there’s a reason why. 2. Sera literally saw John single-handedly defeat all of the royals???? Including Arlo? Arlo’s ability is a 6.5. That’s already incredible, but the fact that John managed to defeat both him and the other royals? You can’t do that unless you are insanely powerful. 3. How are you surprised that John was the king at his old school he literally dethroned a prestigious school’s (wellston’s) king and you don’t think he was the most powerful at New Bostin? 

    More on Sera being surprised about John’s past: Even Arlo was surprised that Sera was shocked. John had literally lied about having an ability to Sera, and a homeschooled background helped his story loads, what with how positive he always was at school and how he never seemed to let the hierarchy intimidate him because he hadn’t been indoctrinated or whatever. I don’t really know. Anyway, especially with the way that John has been lying to Sera big time for the whole time they’ve known each other, you wouldn’t think that she would be so surprised by this. I know that this whole thing isn’t that important, it just stood out to me though. 

    Something I’m also really confused over is the fact that Seraphina displayed literally no signs of shock after learning that John got 1. Expelled from his old school by 2. Beating up his whole grade. ????. All we get from Sera is a, “expelled…?” brutalized his classmates?” Like??? You got so worked up over the fact that he was king, but this doesn’t phase you?

    Sorry this just became me ranting about Sera and her brain because it confuses me im sorry oof.

    Something else that’s not in regard to Sera and her reactions is how Arlo describes John’s attitude towards Seraphina. I’ll admit, as he started talking about how John ordered him around and told him to look after Seraphina, I was a bit surprised by just how obsessed John seemed with Sera, though I obviously already knew everything. Having Arlo lay it all out for me was enlightening, Okay? John gives off major, and I had to google this word so pay attention, yandere vibes. I have no clue how thats different from like tsundere (? spelling?) or any of the others, but I looked at the definition and it fit what I was thinking of. The definition of yandere is: “a Japanese term for a person who is initially very loving and gentle to someone (or at least innocent) before their devotion becomes destructive in nature, often through violence and/or brutality.” So: that’s fun. And we’ve seen these traits in John towards Seraphina throughout the course of the story. John literally beat up a group of kids in an abandoned house because they hurt Seraphina, he attacked a girl because she threw something at Seraphina, e.t.c.. I think you get my point. Anyway, because the entire concept of unordinary is to mock anime stereotypes, i think that uru-chan is aware of what John’s character is (a yandere (hopefully because if i misunderstand this this is a big r.i.p.)) and is using that as a cookie cutter stencil thing for John at the moment. I’m not really sure. Anyway, this interested me a bit, realizing just how harsh and obvious John’s obsession around Seraphina was, and I always, you know, realized it, just seeing it all bunched together here made it stand out in a way it never really has to me. But also as an afternote, John also prioritizes revenge on behalf of sera over sera herself and i don’t know if that helps the yandere argument or contradicts it. oof.

    Also: because of the way that what arlo said struck me, I can’t even imagine how Seraphina herself feels. Learning that your best friend is literally basically murderously obsessed with you must not be fun? Anyway. That’s that. I probably could go on, but no more words are coming to me about this so-

    I just want to say that I need Arlo and Seraphina to become close after this please and thank you and no this does not belong in the honorable mentions because this. is . important. :)\

    And yes, we’re going to gloss over the fact that sera said she was going to have a talk with john after she thought things through because i dont even want to attempt at talking about this it’s too vague and far in the future and yet not at the same time and i don’t know what to say.

Cecile and John:

    My poor girl cecile all she wants is power and who can blame her. The lengths she’s going through: respect. Anyway, Cecile always does such a good job of riling up john, but at the same time being completely right. 

        I appreciated the explanation of how unknowingly john made things worse at wellston for seraphina. I’ve never thought about it in the way that cecile did. I think when John destroyed the hierarchy he figured Sera would be considered an equal to everybody else. But, obviously, that horribly backfired. 

    Literally don’t know what to say this section was short and there’s nothing i can really say that i haven’t

[bellismaperry]

Idiot { Loki Fanfiction }

This my first Fanfic that I post here on tumblr. I literally just wrote this so theres a lot of grammer mistakes. I’ll promise I’ll get better haha. Hope you like it. It has a main Character but if you want like y/n you can do it. its how ever you want to read it! as long the message of the story is there I don’t care!. Please if you do like tell me to continue!! cause I will. I don’t know when I’ll post because I work and study. but I promise I will post. If want to be tagged pls dm. and will be tagged until its closed!. Hope you guys like this story I have had this idea for so long! hope you really like it like it like I do and lets see what the future holds! I present to you Idiot ( ps the cover is on its way ;) )

Warnings: None

Tara Jones

Loki Odinson

——————————————————————-🦋

Everybody was wearing black attire, with sad expressions. Losing a member of a team is one the hardest things ever. Its like losing a family member. After pushing away Tony’s reacter in the lake, I sat at the wooden porch with my legs in the lake.

God I am such an idiot . How could be so dumb?. I look around the people around me. There were new faces along with old ones. Tony had a lot of people who cared for him.

Strange looks at me looking around and walks over where I am sitting. “ I know its a funural and being happy is not an option, but why in particular you look like you killed some one”

I look up to him and shake my head. “ I messed up Stephen, big time and now its ony hitting me” I say as I move my feet around the water.

he takes a breath “ we all do that all the time Tara”

I shake my head and take my feet off the water and put them on the wooden porch. “ no but i seriously messed up. Theres a solution but it only make it hundred times more worst then it already is. And the worst part is I’m completely alone with it and just still a kid”

Strange Lowers down to my level as tears starts to fall off my face. “ You’re not alone, you have me and the rest of all the people here”

I wipe my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. and look down at my hands. “ Nobody can help because,

I’m pregnant with Loki’s baby” ..

Chapter one

My mother used to tell me that everything was for a reason and that god has set up for me for a good reason in my life. But what my mother didn’t tell me was that getting knocked up by a god at the age of 23 was the plan that a “god” had for me.

This was a whole new game for me and whats left of the avengers team but for overall for me mostly. Since I’m the one pushing the damn thing out of me in 9 months or so.

When I told Stephen that I was pregnant with Loki’s baby hell broke loose. Well let me rephrase that.

Fury wanted me to be locked up because I was connected with a war criminal. Carol wanted to blast me off for being so stupid. Bruce was scratching his head like fifty times at once because how in the hell I was going to give birth to a semi-god. Thor was the only one happy because he had at least some family left couldn’t wait to be a uncle and wanted me to give birth in New Asgard but soon that idea went away when he left with the guardians. And well lastly Stephen was in a screaming match with me for over an hour of how stupid moron idiotic person I am , of letting myself getting pregnant of a super galactic international war criminal. And honestly I couldn’t agree more with everything that happened.

It is stupid of me getting prego of a criminal, and even more when he’s like dead dead and probs never coming back. But at the same time who could blame? I was horny he was too, we both good looking people, we took the chance and honestly to what ever god I don’t regret what happened in that ship, one of the best nights of my life...

Sakarian Refugees Ship..

“Did that just-“ I get cut of by loki

“ Happen?, yes” he says as he sits up the against the bed head board.

I look up at him and smile. “ This was the most Idiot thing I ever done ” I say as I take a breath.

“really?” he asks as he pushes his hair away from his face.

I nod “ yea, but I don’t regret one bit of it” I say with a small smile.

Loki smiles at me and leans down to my face “ good because I don’t either” he leans closer and gives me a kiss. But is soon comes to an end as Thor voice enters the room.

“Loki! We need help theres a ship coming towards us and its not stopping after numerous calls of peace!”

Loki pulls away and takes a deep breath “ well I guess that the end of that” I grab one side of of his face and pass my fingers over his smooth skin. “ don’t worry theres going to be more” I say as I lean over to him for another kiss but I am stopped as the ship moves unexpectedly as like something shooting us.

I look at Loki worried and gives me the same look. “we need to get dressed now!” he says and I nod with him and as we both get off the bed and start getting dressed as fast we could...

Present

Now I’m sitting in a cold white bed in the ginecoligist office waiting to get my first ultra sound done. My case was the worlds most confusing ones. My baby was turn into dust inside of me after the bleep happend or so like Bruce likes to say, you had a dust baby for five years and when the snap was reversed your baby re appeared again. Every doctor in the country wanted to be my doctor and do it for free which man is every pregnant woman dream!. One of this things are so expensive its more expensive then a damn house.

But thanks to Pepper Recommendation I am here with her ginecologist who helped her tru her pregnancy. Which means i’m in very good hands.

“ok, i’m sorry for the wait Ms?” The Doctor aks as she sits in the chair and puts gloves on.

“Jones , Tara Jones” I say as I lift my shirt up and lean down in the bed.

“Ok Tara, My name Is Leslie Williams were going just going to check how the little baby is doing and let you on the basic stuff ok?” she says as she takes container with something jelly inside of it.

I smile and nod.

“ok perfect ,Lets see whats happening inside. I’m going to put this jelly in your stomach its going to feel cold but it will go in a few minutes” she says as she opens up the tube and pours our the cold jelly in my stomach. and starst moving the device around my stomach.

“ Is the Father coming later or”

I Swallow a bit and bite my lip “ no its just me”

“ Oh well, you’re going to be a great mother alone or not don’t let those bad anxieties take over ok. Everything is going to be ok. And in your particular case were going to do everything we can to make this process as painless and smooth as we can”. she says with a warm smile.

i give her a toothless smile. Cmo’n! I am giving birth to a semi-god. I can hear my screaming already. I had a dust baby. A DUST BABY that has to have complications somehow. I am human after all. and to make it all worst the one person who could tell me how this could go was strangled to death so thats great and awsome to start with.

“I mean its not going to be smooth it all. I am giving birth to a god. I am a simple human, the only special thing about me is my magic and this baby. Who’s Father is never going to be with me because a big purple alien with a purple ballsack of a face thought it was a good idea to get rid half of the population and stangle him to death until his eyes was crying blood and then go live in a farm like some red neck in tennessee. No its not going to be fine or smooth or happy or wonderful. So don’t be say things that won’t ever happen please.

The Doctor stares at me in shock. and proceeds to look for the baby. “ i’m sorry to hear that Ms Jones I had no idea.” she says as she keeps looking at the screen.

I take a deep breath pass my hands all over my face “ its ok, I’m used to it by now”

She nods. and when I was about to tell her that I was sorry of how I reacted she stared pointing to the screen and say “ there, theres it is. You’re baby. “

I look closer to the screen and see a tiny circle. A tiny innocent circle that was growing inisde of me. it looked like the size of a 5 peas together.

“you’re Four weeks in the pregnancy, the exams all look great, nothing looks like is altered by the bleep. It looks like you just got pregnant four weeks ago not five years ago. Which its is a medical miracle discovery. “ she says taking off her gloves.

I nod at her while still looking at the screen, I lean over and pass my fingers thru the screen. Thats my baby there. My circle god dust baby.

the Doctor looks at me and crosses her arms against her chest. “ do you want a picture of the ultra sound?”

I nod not looking way from the monitor “ yea”

the Doctor smiles and leaves the room.

I still stare at the monitor. Thats my and Loki’s baby. Who knew that a one-night stand with a god would have lead to this. It was stupid of me not using protection but what did i know? for all I thought humans couldn’t get pregnant by gods.

But I do know that is this is going to be a very bumpy ride... With my dust baby.

🦋—————————————————-

Thank you for reading the first chapter of Idiot hope you guys liked it!! remember to leave a comment, like and reblog pls! also if want to be tagged for the next chapter dm! bye love you guys! 🦋🦋

[bloodstainedangelic]

My Experience with The human Condition

I feel like I should start writing this somewhere so maybe someone sees this and avoids some of the mistakes i've come to make threwout my life. I dont exactly plan on this being a autobiogeph, But things are confusing at the current moment. Let's get Started Let me start of by intreducing myself Hi, Im Roy Otherwise Known as janro a Afrikaans Raised South african 22 year oldAnd Im a Psycopath of sorts Now my Grammer or Spelling wont be a real reflection of my Brain so to speak, or my Character im in general bad with spelling but im good with words I guess. Im not a Psycopath in the general sense of what most people think , No I dont hurt people I have yet to murder someone in case your wondering. But I dont feel things like people should, Happiness IF you could call it that comes for me in the form of anger and immense moments of depression Tho im not sure what those Emotions really mean, Its the closest I come to feeling anything tho, Im not sure what anything is really, I find it impossible to learn anything from anyone, I think it might have to do with the fact that I usually Find myself better the work.Its a bad habbit because of that I learn to hate almost everything I do, Yet i Tend to be good at it, Everything ive ever undertaken ive either excelled at or simply never bothered to even try at it. I have no Motivation for anything It seems Pointless I dont see the purpose of running the hamster wheel of a life we tend to live, Im lonely So lonely yet I have a beautifull girlfriend thats wonderfull really. Shes amazing, A little one the only thing probably keeping me around my Beautifull little child. But that hurts me in the same breath because I want to see the world and expierence everything from every corner of the world in hopes that i find something that brings me Purpose, But now Because of her im forced to run the hamster wheel. And this is has been the hardest undertaking of my life. a year at college to get a Degree thats gotten me Nowhere and Taught me nothing, The person "In Charge" of teaching us" was so incapible him self I actually found it amusing in times so now with no Safety net noone to run to, No more Money to study Further, I sit here everyday Trying to find a job im totally unprepared to do. Maybe I am Ready but You see im intentionally or unintentionally self destructive I dont know, I cant afford to see a Therapist to try and deal with my Problems. If that would even help, So here i Am hoping some Stranger reads this and Borrows me a ear or some advice, Im trying to briefly Summarize my Current Situation So IF you're not interested in the full story Stop here. As a child I use to excell at everything I did at 12 I was already taking care of my Drunk of a dad, And teaching my Mother and sister how to cook, How to teach, How to handle there work and school life's I've always been the helpfull Silent kid that helps everyone els out with a smile but never quite getting anything in return, Well not In the general sense atleast. See I thrive on Others Emotions Im kind of a Morphic Person I adapt my Personaly and Characteristics to the person im talking to, So "Me" as a person my "Personality" Doesnt exsist its totaly Dependant on my current situation Because of that i've found it easy to Manupilate people Especially People who think they have the upper hand. When someones Following my Everywhim I feel this " At home" feeling And I guess because of this My life turned out the way it did. See for me Nothing Ever works out the way its suppose to, Im a Hopeless Optemist at time but its never worked out not even once, I've never had a plan work out before Yet I cant bring my self to "Just go with the flow" Because I tend to feel very little 99% of the time I've always been the calm and Colected person in my Family so everyruns to me if theres trouble or if they have problems. I'd love to run to someone I know for help right now, But I dont think anyone I know has the brain cells to understand the odd situation im in. Basiclly Im stuck in a puddle and ive got no way out. Theres no branch to latch onto no doors to open threres nothing ahead, I'd love to say all I need is for someone to give me a chance but im not sure I can get what they need from me done, Every Dream ive ever had ive had to toss into the wind because of one or another situation Either money family or loved ones. I feel like Im not good enough for anything anymore I've always had this rock solid self confidence lately none of thats left, Im the kind of guy that can write a 4000 Word essay on the spot usually and right now i dont even know what to write anymore, My Life is a Shit show right now, And ive got no outlet So im hoping this provides me some kind of support. I've lived a complicated live uptill now I've dealt With a Drunk for a dad thats sold everything ive almost every owned when i was living with him I turned to drugs to Feel something at some point But I litterly Stopped that Addiction simply by doing so much drugs that i'd be able to go to the hospital if i OD'd or Feel so shit that I can mentally start to restructer the addiction as a "Pain in the ass" "A hassle" It wasnt some Therapy or Rehab that helped me Just me simply Lying to my self and Ya I do get Cravings from time to time , But Eh. after that I spent 3 Years sitting at home trying to find a job And eventually after Interview and Interview failing I ended up Going to study and it this point im sure you know how that ended, And now im a Neutral Rock that cant feel anything but Crushing Self Pitty and Demotivation towards every daily act Its gotten to the point where i'd rather be hungry for 2 days straight then get up and make my self some Instant noodles or a Cheese sandwitch The other day I had such bad Stomach Cramps That i fainted, Probably because of the lack of neutrition but Eh I dont have the money to see a DR and I cant be Bothered trying to Improve my Diet as an Example I use to Weight About 90KGs Athletic Guy with Big "Muscles" I weight 42 KGs atm I Disgust my self when i look in the mirror lately When i see how ive let my self just Rot I honestly looked better on drugs Hell all the photos on this twitter I was high as all shit. I cant Off my self cause what about my kid. And That would be to much of a hassle honestly I mean ive been trying to kill my self slowly for years but still. I cant improve my life because I have no motivation And to improve it I would need a job and at this point I cant even remember what I had for Breakfast. Ooh And ive been Self Medicating with 7 Types of Anti Deppresants None of wich work btw All they do is make me feel "Edgy" when I forget to take them. But yeah I mean Shitts Tuff Im having some real "First World" Problems at the moment but to be honest i'd rather be in a warzone or some apocelyptic fuckery of a area atleast there id have a daily in and out and hell maybe the idea of getting murdered everyday might drive me to do something with my life althought thats doubfull But yeah if you got this far I think I owe you a Alot, and hell maybe you feel the same but I just want someone to fucking help me. I Feel fucking broken And I really just need some Help.