#i need to iNCREASE the aromanticism-

[altschmerzes]

every day i look around and go this is not enough. i have to get MORE aromantic.

[aroace-ventplace]

I'm seriously wondering if I'm aroace, and the thought terrifies me. I'm scared of being alone forever. Because I want a connection like romance, but something just icks me about romance itself. Sex is definitely off the table, but I'm also wondering if that's partly because of the fact that I'm trans and don't feel comfortable in this body. But being aro scares me even more because I don't want to be alone forever, and I just. Don't know what to think.

the feeling you're describing, of desiring romance in theory but not in practice, is a sentiment i've seen a lot in aspec spaces. sorting out those personal questions of "is finding a romantic partner a genuine desire of mine, or just an echo of what society says i should do? what actually appeals to me about the concept of partnering, and how would that relationship need to look for me to get what i actually want out of it? how do i deal long-term with the fact that this world just isn't built for nonpartnering people?" has been difficult for many of us, and is a lifelong process for some people. i don't have any easy answers for you; all i can do is say that many, many people also struggle with the things you've described. personally, i'm now at the point where i see my aromanticism as something to be celebrated rather than dreaded - we're all outsiders in a world made for two, and that's metal as hell <2

non-graphic discussion of sex and dysphoria under the cut, just in case people want to avoid it:

i'm a trans man with pretty severe all-around dysphoria - top, bottom, height, voice, you name it. i've been transitioning for three years and i've been dysphoric for many more. the way my dysphoria intersects with my asexuality and aromanticism is nebulous at best: there's definitely a connection, but it's very hard to determine exactly how far it goes. here's some questions i've asked myself:

am i uncomfortable with romantic relationships because i'm afraid the other person will view and treat me like a girl? (yes - but when i think about being in a relationship as a man, or any other gender, i still feel repulsed by the idea.)

am i uncomfortable with the idea of having sex because i'm uncomfortable with my own genitalia? (yes - but when i think about theoretically getting bottom surgery and having sex, i still feel repulsed: relatively less so, but still very strongly repulsed.)

would my discomfort be resolved if i were to be in a t4t relationship, where i know the other person sees me as my preferred gender? (well... i would feel more comfortable, but i don't think it would resolve that fundamental repulsion. even when i'm around other trans people, i can usually tell that my relationship to sex and romance is not the same as theirs.)

transitioning changes some people's relationship to sex, and doesn't change others - "t will make you horny and gay" is a pretty common half-joking anecdote among transmascs, and transfems have anecdotes about estrogen/progesterone doing the exact opposite for them. personally speaking... nope, i didn't turn horny and gay! well, mostly. my libido did increase, but in practical terms, it's had no impact on my orientation; i consider myself just as aroace as i was 10 years ago. what i'm getting at here is that it's different for everybody - transness and transition can affect sexuality in complicated ways, but there's never any guarantee that your experience will be the same as anybody else's. whatever your personal relationship to dysphoria, transition, and sexuality is, i hope you can eventually reach a point where you feel comfortable with yourself!

[thearoacescout]

Pixar and Queer Stories

With the new teaser trailer for Inside Out 2, I think this is a good time to point out that if there is any animated movie that has the potential of showing a beautiful queer coming out story - its this one. Let me explain.

Pixar is known for its great people-focused story telling. They focus on the struggles of different groups of people through metaphors and allegories and that's how they create relatable and inspiring stories with powerful messages. The metaphors that they use sometimes go over people's heads, but they still provide a good starting point for more serious conversations about hard topics. Inside Out especially takes this to a whole different level by literally being about the emotions one has while going through points of life. We see that inner conflict within Riley's head as she struggles to adapt to her new life. Despite never moving as a kid, I was able to feel and relate to her because they did a great job of showing the struggle between joy and sadness. Imagine if they showed that struggle in relations to accepting one's own queerness.

I don't know about y'all, but I was in heavy denial for a while about my asexuality and aromanticism. That couldn't be me. I was already told that I would grow up, get married, and have my 2.5 kids. There was a lot of fear, disgust, and anger in discovering myself and I can only imagine what other people felt as well.

With the increase of anti-LGBTQ+ sentiments in many parts of the States, this type of story could easily show how hard it can be to accept yourself as queer. It's not just something for attention. It's not something that we decided on because of the internet. It's not something that we are confused about or needs to be fixed. It's a part of who we are.

Even if it is only a small part of the story or just subtly put in there, it would be great to see that inner conflict so more people can understand that struggle when so few do. Inside Out is perfectly structured to show this type of story and to let people know that it is okay to have complicated emotions about your identity.

[odinspattern]

1,2,3,4,5 😊

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

Moving to Greece at age nine. Now, it was not just sunshine and roses, but it opened my eyes very early not only to the experience of being a foreign country. But different customs, culture, food.

It is also here that my love of history, reading, myth and how it intertwines with each other.

——

In Folk High School I read a comic where a character was biromantic. I asked a few friends who explained that any sexuality could be that but for romance, which was new to me. In Norwegian the suffix is -fil (-phile), which always included both romantic and sexual attraction. I never knew they could be seperate, and that brought me to aromanticism, queer identities and that shabang.

In the begining of it I was chronically online about it and I cringe about the stuff I got involved in now. I skirted on the edge of gender essentialism despite being nonbinary myself, had a brief period of not using Queer because it was Bad ™️ to use. (Which the latter was easy to get swept into because this is my second/third language, depending on how you look at it, but still, yikes.)

I like to think that I have grown since then, taken in and discarded more bad takes and become more compassionate, but who knows.

——

Now this is not a funny one at all, but it is also a very important part of my life. The same year as I started to look for community online for my Queer identities. I actually had an incident with my mother that made me say that I was abused for the first time.

In retrospect it is silly that it was THAT moment, because it was after some other, way more violent incidents that I will not get into.

What happened was, I was sitting in the back seat when she asked me to get her some stuff in the trunk while she was driving. I was trying to be cooperative so I unlocked my seatbelt and tried to fish the thing out of the shopping bags when she was increasing her speed. Then as I reached the thing and was pulling back to give it to her, she stopped the car suddenly, making me, unsecured and off balance, fall against the seats.

I almost broke my neck that day, and bruised my back, to the roaring laugh of her and my brother. I had that moment as this happened where I was like.

«Oh shit. You guys are doing it on purpose, actually.»

I would probably realize sooner or later without the incident, but I still think it is important part of my life.

2. show us a picture of your handwriting?

3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

Lo (2009)

Renfield

Bhool Bhulaiyaa 2

4. what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

If we call each other, my best friend and I will occasionally answer the phone to each other with «Roger.»

It is a reference to a silly video called Rødmaling (Red Paint) in which kids alone in a classroom kill a kid named Roger because they need red paint. The way they say «Roger» is so funny.

5. what made you start your blog?

An ex-friend of mine got on here and reccomended that I follow along, a few weeks later I started drawing Homestuck characters and got involved in different fandoms.

[askanaroace]

I’ve been thinking about coming out to my friends for a while now. I’ve only ever come out to one person, and it was over text and I did a pretty bad job of explaining aromanticism.

I also would like to send them some links to articles or other media talking about/explaining aromanticism. Do you have any recommendations? Or advice?

I’m sorry if I sound dumb or if this question has already been asked a million times, I just want to make sure I come out in a good way.

AUREA is the leading (and pretty much only) dedicated resource on aromanticism, and includes both a resources page and a page with coming out advice.

The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project has resources as well, including a downloadable pdf version of their glossary, though in its entirety, that might be overwhelming to provide to the people you're coming out to. But they have a ton of helpful pages, including this downloadable 101 primer on aromanticism.

Aromantic Guide is a nicely parsed out, concise resource on learning aromanticism 101. Queer Condensed did a pretty nice pamphlet, but for the best resolution version, you have to get access to the google drive. >.>

There's wikis for everything, and while I find it's easy for them to fall behind, they're great to provide quick and easy definitions to others.

Aros have spent a lot of time here on tumblr carving out spaces for ourselves and educating others. Especially those of us with blogs dedicated to aro advocacy and education I'm sure would not mind you linking to any posts of ours that you find helpful. (I've got a bunch of contextual posts on various coming out scenarios, for example.)

With increasing awareness and advocacy projects, February is a pretty good month to find articles and interviews about aromanticism, like these pieces: "Do You Lack Desire for Romance?" by Goalpost and "11 Things You Need to Know for A Successful Aromantic Relationship" by bonobology (neither of which is perfect - they still claims all aro people desire intimacy - but would be okay for introducing people to the concept). Along better lines, Queerious did a serious of interviews to get a variety of aromantic perspectives on aromanticism and the issues facing us.

To be honest, I would not spend much time trying to gather a lot of sources for your friends. For the most part, people are going to be unlikely to click and read through any link you send them, especially if you send them a lot. I would pick one link and one TAAAP download that are concise and clear. When you come out, people's first instinct is to ask you. People tend to not want to go out of their way to learn more but can be more willing to listen to what it means to you. (Are there some people who are genuinely good allies who will not mind self-educating? Certainly! But I would prepare for the more common scenario and expect people to ask you questions regardless of how well they might be answered in your speech/text.)

Remember, you are just you. Regardless of the pressures on you, the only person you can speak for is yourself. You don't need to represent all of us. You don't need - especially during your coming out - to represent the entire variety of aromantic feelings and experiences. All you need to do is talk about you. Further education can and will come later. People will make assumptions and many of those will be incorrect. Learning is a continuous process. Coming out is a continuous process (unfortunately). You don't have to say everything all at once. Boil it down to the most important information (you're aromantic & what this means in your words) and know that it will likely come up later and there will be chances for you to expand on various things you want to expand on.

Also, just because someone appears not to understand aromanticism, don't be hard on yourself. It's on them to be open-minded enough to care to learn, and unfortunately, some people just aren't (especially on a first reaction before they've had time to think and process).

Good luck!

[sentientgopro]

First off, Hi, this is one of a long series of posts Ive been making and am going to continue to make documenting my rapidly changing feelings after cracking on December 10th, 4 days ago as of writing. For some reason, I feel more comfortable writing this stuff into a series of blog posts than a private note, idk why. This is my first time opting to include tags in these posts, so this is probably the first of them you're seeing. Ignore them, or don't, I don't mind. I just thought It might be interesting for people to see what it looks like for someone (or atleast me) to be rapidly trying to process something like this. Anyway, on with the actual post

I've noticed I'm asking this exact question a few times when I do things you'd normally expect to cause dysphoria:

"Does this actually make me feel dysphoria, or is it just me consciously knowing Its supposed to feel wrong?"

And I realise, is it not kinda both? Ofcourse I didn't feel that much dysphoria noticeably before, I didnt know there was a problem to begin with. But by knowing and accepting Im trans, whether or not I feel that bad as a guy right now, I am actively saying "Things are not correct right now and needs fixing". Which is obviously going to increase feelings that something is wrong.

Not to mention the things that were already there and I just didn't realise were Dysphoria, like the whole deal with Aromanticism I mentioned before. In short, the more I figure out and the more this goes on, the more dysphoria I seem to be digging up. Right now its insignificant, realising my lack of desire for a relationship was dysphoria doesn't exactly make me feel that bad, and I feel comfortable continuing to use the Aro label for now. But will it stay this way... somethings telling me probably not.

Fuck it. I've felt the best I've felt in years. for the first time Ive got a positive reason to Carry on, and thats been enough to change my life for the better on a fundamental level since realising it. However much Dysphoria got hands, It won't bring me down to where I was before.

[kamikothe1and0nly]

I just planned out a rough sketch of where chapters are going to go and it seems like it's gonna be 32 atm

Not sure if that's gonna spontaneously increase but they're only gonna meet chapter 26 so i'm not sure how much slow they're gonna have in the slowburn and the aromanticism makes me think that even kotlp was too fast so we'll see what happens with that.

It's not all the way put together because idk which events i'm putting into which slots, i just labeled them 1 2 and 3 for invitationals and set up time zones for regionals. And i have no clue what other 3 trial events i'll have at state but it's fine. I'll figure it out. I do need two more alternates also...hrm that's not fun.

Also some of the chapters might be able to condense depending on how much page time i need to explain the events to the readers so that they at least vaguely understand what is happening during competitions

If you'd like, i can send you the tentative outline. There are a lot of scioly tests. So chapter 3 better train me well.

Oh, and just know that i'll update you every single time i finish a chapter just so i can be like 'it may have taken me 84 years but progress is being made'

Also 32 chapters * 2,250 word avg chapter for kotlp = 72 k words by the time this is over. So yeah saying it's gonna take me some time is an understatement and a half. That's half the length of kotlp and based on how long that took, it should only take me around a year to get this done *smiles* (someone send help)

Sorry it took me a while to answer back! School has me in a chock hold.

I will never understand how someone can write that many words. Mad respect. My ADD brain doesn’t has the attention span to write even close to that many words.

And yes! Send me updated!

[cake-and-spades]

Tell me about internalized arophobia please, thanks

I have been struggling with putting down my thoughts/ feelings for this ask for months, and I finally just did what I do best and did some research. I looked up internalized homophobia and obviously not all of these will apply to arophobia (or to everyone) but it’s a good place to expand from!  I’m so sorry this took so long anon 😭

Bold text is taken from the Rainbow Project (LINK) with anything I added in plain text underneath.

Trigger warnings for things mentioned but not described in detail, take care of yourselves y'all:

homophobia / transphobia / biphobia / arophobia / etc

self harm

abusive relationships

drinking / substance abuse

suicide

pedophilia

(if I've missed any please let me know and I'll add them above)

01. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.

Fun fact: for the first like 2 weeks after I found out what aromanticism was I refused to identify as aro because of like, the crushing fear and disappointment and the belief I’d never be happy. And of course I *had* to experience romantic attraction some day, I just *had* to, *everyone* does. (Oof)

02. Attempts to alter or change your sexual your orientation.

Do I even need to explain this one? “Maybe if I just try hard enough I’ll start liking someone. Fake it till you make it, right?”

03. Feeling you are never good enough.

Personally, whenever I used to think about platonically dating people/ having nonromantic partner(s) I’d start getting down on myself and think “they deserve a Real (TM) partner, a Romantic (TM) partner, they deserve more than the disappointment I would be” or alternately, the thought that I’m disappointing my parents by not giving them a child-in-law & grandchildren

04. Engaging in obsessive thinking and/or compulsive behaviours.

Not sure exactly how this one could relate, perhaps in obsessively seeking out romance (in fiction or irl) or exposing yourself to it knowing it makes you uncomfortable ?

05. Under-achievement or even over-achievement as a bid for acceptance.

The whole who gets to be an "ally" because they aren't *really* LGBT+ comes to mind

06. Low self esteem, negative body image.

Self explanatory, but I will also add: not wanting to be seen as a Romantic Person, policing your actions and your body / body language so no one could ever see you as anything other than Platonic or friends with benefits. Disliking the parts of you that are typically coded by society to be "romantic" things.

07. Contempt for the more open or obvious members of the LGBT community.

Self explanatory but also: Gatekeeping. I’m thinking especially gatekeeping people who aren’t “aro enough” to be considered aro (you will always be "aro enough" as long as you ID as aro!)

08. Contempt for those at earlier stages of the coming out process.

Contempt for “cringey aros / aces who make the whole community look bad / childish / heartless” when they are just discovering themselves and having a good time (and many times are just kids)

09. Denial that homophobia, heterosexism, biphobia or sexism are serious social problems.

The thought: “Sure arophobia exists, but it isn’t a *real* problem like homophobia / transphobia / biphobia” Alternately: “yeah it’s not perfect, but it’s not like I have *real problems*”

Also a personal note: I didn't like. recognize that we live in an arophobic society? Like society definitely wasn't built for us but Baby Aro me refused to understand that.

10. Contempt for those that are not like ourselves or contempt for those who seem like ourselves. Sometimes distancing by engaging in homophobic behaviours – ridicule, harassment, verbal or physical attacks on other LGB people.

This one is similar to the ones above.

11. Projection of prejudice onto another target group.

Terfs, gatekeepers, etc

12. Becoming psychologically abused or abusive or remaining in an abusive relationship.

Self explanatory :( But especially: staying in a relationship even though it's hurting you, whether because of your partner or just because it isn't a good fit for you as an aro person.

13. Attempts to pass as heterosexual, sometimes marrying someone of the other sex to gain social approval or in hope of ‘being cured’.

Y’all ever faked a crush or just chosen one at random? Y’all ever dated someone you knew you didn’t “like” like while hoping you’d catch feelings someday or thinking it was like, the natural “next step” for your friendship? Y’all ever fear that some day everyone would find out you “”weren’t normal?”” Y’all ever cry bc you know you’ll never love a partner the way they’ll love you, because their love is “”more pure/ real”” or some bullshit???? It's the internalized arophobia 😌

14. Increased fear and withdrawal from friend and relatives.

"They won't like me anymore when they realize I'm not the same as them" "They'll see me differently" etc etc etc

15. Shame or depression; defensiveness; anger or bitterness.

Self explanatory :(

16. School truancy or dropping out of school. Also, work place absenteeism or reduced productivity.

Self explanatory, avoidance of problems and people

17. Continual self-monitoring of one’s behaviours, mannerisms, beliefs, and ideas.

This one seems like it would tie in with #6, specifically monitoring yourself for the Correct Amount of romance, even if you're faking it.

18. Clowning as a way of acting out society’s negative stereotypes.

I have nothing to add here

19. Mistrust and destructive criticism of LGBT community leaders.

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one askdjfdkj

20. Reluctance to be around or have concern for children for fear of being seen as a paedophile.

God I don’t even know why I have this specific internalized arophobia/homophobia. Like??? It doesn’t make sense from an aro perspective but boy do I got it. I love kids and I have an education degree, but am still constantly afraid people see me as a creep

21. Conflicts with the law.

22. Unsafe sexual practices and other destructive risk-taking behaviours-including risk for HIV and other STIs.

Lack of care and respect for self :(

23. Separating sex and love, or fear of intimacy. Sometimes low or lack of sexual drive or celibacy.

I mean some of this is natural and healthy for aros by nature of being aro, but fear of intimacy. Fear of being Known

These last two are self explanatory :(

24. Substance abuse, including drink and drugs.

25. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, death by suicide.

https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/

[kakitysax]

Okay so I just watched the first Frozen movie with my youngest sister because we’re both home sick? And. We STAN this whole thing being a mental health allegory???

Like, this movie is deeply relatable and like, resonant? To me. Specifically. Both of my younger sisters can attest to how scary and mean I was before I got help, and the sister closest to me in age (actually, the sister who has the same age gap with me that Anna has with Elsa) DEEPLY relates to Anna’s struggle to reach her older sister.

But what I actually want to talk about is the symbolism. Below the cut. This will literally destroy your dash, be warned.

Elsa’s ice powers represent something about herself - about her MIND - she feels the need to repress. That could be any number of things. Neurodivergence, emotion in general, maybe a personality disorder. Elsa doesn’t necessarily HAVE any of these things. The point is that the viewers might, and whatever this unnamed thing is, it can be both beautiful and harmful.

Her parents don’t understand, and unwittingly teach Elsa to be afraid of herself. 

As a result, Elsa starts to LOSE CONTROL OF HER POWERS. By teaching Elsa that this thing about her is something to be repressed, she becomes less and less able to ACTUALLY control them.

This increases her sense of isolation from other people, and she develops MAJOR anxiety and depression as a result. I mean, just look at the separation anxiety she felt when her parents had to leave.

“Do you have to go?”

Elsa is 18 here - terrified of herself and completely reliant on her parents to protect her and everyone around her from her powers.

ALRIGHT let’s skip the boring stuff

Blah blah blah, Anna’s lonely too, she needs love, falls in love too quickly, is desparate to marry Hans because she thinks this is the only day she’ll be able to form actual connections with other people...

All that stuff is really important, but what I want to talk about is the frozen kingdom that Elsa creates.

Overcome by feelings of freedom and joy, Elsa finally begins to regain control of the creative part of her powers, and one of the first things she creates is Olaf.

For everyone’s annoyance at Let It Go, it’s actually an amazing sequence and I relate to it a lot.

But what I find to be a BETTER reflection of the journey through Elsa’s psyche is Anna and Kristoff’s journey up the North Mountain.

I say “Journey,” but there’s really only three environments I want to talk about.

This is where Kristoff and Anna meet Olaf - a frozen wonderland of weeping willows. As they walk through it, Anna says “I never knew that Winter could be so beautiful.”

That line got me. Anna doesn’t actually know her sister. She likes a version of Elsa that exists in her head - a 13-year-old altered memory of a perfect older sister. But Elsa isn’t the warm fuzzy friend that Anna idealizes - she’s always been dignified, composed, and wonderfully creative - loving, yes, but in a cool kind of way. Anna expects Elsa to be a goofy playmate, and writes off the “wintery” parts of her as something bad, just like Elsa does. But walking through this wonderland, she sees a different aspect of the same Elsa - the good parts of the REAL Elsa. And THIS, fittingly, is where she meets Olaf.

Now something I noticed this time around is that during this scene, Olaf consistently looks towards Anna.

“I like warm hugs,” he says, turning to her, and he asks her for her name first.

He then relies on ANNA to tell him the names of Kristoff and Sven.

Elsa made Olaf for Anna. And because of this, Olaf is the EMBODIMENT of Elsa’s childhood love for her sister.

This is why he always goes back to Anna. This is why it didn’t count as an act of true love when Olaf was willing to melt for her, and why he is able to tell Anna what love is. Olaf’s love for Anna is Elsa’s love for Anna. Olaf IS love.

“Some people are worth melting for.”

Olaf loves summer. Thawing. Melting things. And it’s because, as we learn later in the movie, LOVE is the secret to melting Elsa’s ice, and breaking down her barriers.

Right okay back to environments.

The NEXT icy place they come across is THIS bitch

A hillside full of icy spikes that point towards whoever approaches. Another wall between Elsa and the people trying to reach her. Elsa consistently uses outward-pointing spikes to keep other people away.

Finally, they reach the CENTER of Elsa’s psyche: a palace made of ice.

Elsa’s ice palace is the culmination of Elsa’s creative powers, a reflection of her own mind.

But what’s really, REALLY interesting, is that like ice, it’s reflective. And after her conversation with Anna, the castle starts to change.

Immediately after hurting Anna, darkness spreads rapidly down the castle walls. The darkness is reminiscent of the fragile “dark ice” like the kind you would find on a fragile frozen pond. The ice is becoming less stable.

And later, when we see Elsa trying to regain control of herself, the color of the walls has changed completely to reflect her fear.

The spikes reappear, this time pointing inward - towards HERSELF.

Elsa’s mind is no longer a safe place for Elsa herself to be - and holy SHIT do I relate.

The last thing I want to talk about is the blizzard at the end of the movie.

Elsa is back in Arendelle, the very place she’s been trying to avoid the whole movie - the place she’s afraid of destroying with her powers. The whiteout is Elsa’s terror, furious and opaque. It’s BLINDING, not only to herself, but to everyone around her.

But the second Hans tells Elsa that Anna is dead

Everything Stops.

The wind stops, the storm receeds, snowflakes freeze in thin air. The world stops moving. Elsa stops feeling.

Hans drew his sword pretty loudly. But Elsa doesn’t care. She believes herself to be a monster, and no longer cares if she lives or dies.

This is basically the end of what I want to talk about, but I can’t exactly leave it here, so.

Anna saves Elsa, sacrificing herself in the truest form of love.

She does the Big Freezy thing and turns into an epic ice sculpture, which Elsa then wraps in what is likely the world’s most uncomfortable hug.

And then, starting from the heart first, Anna unfreezes.

The secret to Elsa’s powers is revealed to be love, not fear. And, sealing my love for Elsa with a fucking kiss, Elsa IMMEDIATELY latches on. She’s been searching for an answer for this for her entire life, and is able to apply the one she finds INSTANTLY. She lets her love for Arendelle and everyone around her reshape her mind into a place of safety and wonder. 

Everyone lives happily ever after, my sister cries, I nod stoically because I’m almost incapable of genuine emotion, Elsa is the most relatable Disney Princess and I adore her forever.

I know that none of this is a hot take but I really wanted to ramble about it anyway. This is a really good movie. Friendly reminder that just because something is mainstream doesn’t mean that it sucks. One time I was talking about how much I related to Elsa and Dad said that I was “a demographic.” Like. Okay? What’s the fucking issue with that? So Disney created a story that can resonate with a wide group of people, what’s the shame in being one of the people it touches? The real issue here is that so many young people can relate to repression and mental illness, like, what the fuck?

Anyway, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. Join me next time (never) while I talk about the equally relatable Frozen Two’s arc of delving deeper into the knowledge of what you’ve repressed, Elsa’s obvious aromanticism, and the fact that the Trolls are evil masterminds who have deeply wronged both of the first movie’s male protagonists.

[graces-of-luck]

Carnival of Aros: Call for Submissions March 2021

The Carnival of Aros is a monthly blogging carnival with themes related to aromantic and aro-spec identities and experiences. More information can be found here.

Theme/Prompts

This month’s theme is on intersectionality and inclusivity within the aromantic community. You are welcome to use the prompts below, but feel free to take this in whatever direction you feel necessary.

Prompts below:

A Google Docs version is available for better readability here.

As aromantics, we can be marginalized. Thanks to the efforts of many in the aromantic community, activism has been increasing visibility and awareness of aromanticism and pushing towards community building and organization. However, we can also have other marginalized identities that intersect with our aromanticism or influence the way we experience it. “We do not live single issue lives,” as Audre Lord put it. The past year, aro(ace) organizations have released statements regarding racism and diversity, signaling an increasing awareness of tackling racial justice in aromantic spaces, but it is just the beginning. Additionally, there are other marginalized groups that need to be included when discussing diversity. An intersectional standpoint is therefore necessary for reaching collective justice and creating a community that is for all of us. 

Should there be space for intersectionality and social/collective justice in aromantic organizations and communities? What are the experiences of aromantics who experience marginalization in other areas of their lives, and how can we make sure that everyone has a space in the aromantic community?

General

Do you feel that other marginalized identities are sufficiently represented/uplifted by the aromantic community and organizations? What has been your experience? What could be improved?

Do you think aromantic organizations and communities should be held accountable for being inclusive of other identities? Do you think aromantic organizations and communities have a responsibility to upholding social justice in the aromantic community? What could be done better here?

Race/Ethnicity and Culture

Aromanticism and asexuality are often seen as “White” identities, and generally BIPOC* and/or Hispanic/Latine* people do not always feel welcome in queer/LGBTQIA+ spaces. If you are BIPOC, AAPI, and/or Hispanic/Latine, do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? What are your experiences in the aromantic community? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your racial/ethnic background?

The aromantic community can also be US-centric and Westernized. For those who are outside of the US or within the US but have non-Western backgrounds, do you feel there is a space for non-Western cultures and heritages in aromantic spaces? What about for religions that are not Christianity? What are your experiences? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your culture/heritage and/or religion?

Neurodivergence, Disability, and Physical and Mental Illness

Many aromantics are also neurodivergent, disabled, and/or experience mental and physical illnesses. If you are neurodivergent and/or disabled and/or experience mental and physical illness, do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? What are your experiences? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your lived experience as a neurodivergent/disabled/”ill”** person?

Other Queer Identities

Do you identify with other non-arospec queer identities (sexual/romantic orientation and gender) in addition to aromantic? Do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? Do you feel that there is space for you to discuss and share how your other queer identities impacts your aromanticism?

General Intersectionality

How do your different identities intersect? Are there other marginalized groups or identities that intersect with your aromanticism that are not recognized? How does this influence your experience?

Allies

If you don’t experience other forms of marginalization, do you find it important to uplift voices of aromantics from other marginalized groups? How can you help to make the aromantic community more inclusive to your fellow aromantics who experience other forms of marginalization?

Notes:

*BIPOC means Black, Indigenous, and People of Color and can encompass a wide group of Indigenous, Black, and Brown folks as well as Asian (AAPI) peoples. BIPOC is not to say that all marginalized people of color share the same experiences or that they can be lumped together, however. I’ve separated Hispanic/Latine because some Hispanic/Latine people are White or White-passing, but they do not necessarily share the same privilege as White Americans or White Europeans, for example.

**I use ill with quotation marks here because illness, especially mental illness, can be socially constructed and people can have different relationships with the term- some embrace it and use the label whereas others do not.

How to Participate

Write a blog post or create content related to the theme- any platform is acceptable as long as it is public and has a link. 

Then, submit the link to me through Tumblr, Discord (gracesofluck#9245), or email (gracesofluck@gmail.com). You’re also welcome to post the link in this thread on Arocalypse. 

If you don’t have a place to post your own work, you can email it to me or submit it directly to my Tumblr, and I will host it for you on my Tumblr. 

If you would like me to include particular pronouns or (user)names with your submission post in the round-up, please let me know.

Deadline and Round-up

Please submit your posts by Wednesday, March 31st. I plan to release the round-up on Thursday, April 1st.

Additionally, AUREA will be taking points from this Carnival of Aros to learn more about the experiences and needs of marginalized aros as they mention in this month’s What’s Going On.

Feel free to reblog this post. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me! Happy blogging!

[silver-tangent]

Things that we often think of as “modern” but have been around for centuries:

Magnets and magnetic fields. (literally occur in nature)

Steel cables, and the odd sounds they make. (At least 1830s)

Stoves (documented 1490, but we have had cookware and likely been making flat surfaces to use pots and pans since at least the 3rd century)

Flushable toilet (1596)

Indoor plumbing and cooling (it’s commonly mentioned that the romans had plumbing, but likewise, Egyptians used water cooling systems, Romans developed duct systems, and many societies understood the importance of airflow)

Condoms (contraceptives are literally as old as sex, though looking into it may not be pleasant.)

Medicine (chemistry has always existed, and pills, specifically, date back to 1500BCE)

LTBTQIA identities (look, this isn’t an lgbt specific post, but I must include it anyway. The Greeks were a Bi-normative society, intersex people have always existed, and trans and non-binary identities are well documented. Same can be said for asexuality and aromanticism; some people weren’t interested. The erasure of this history is a “new” thing.)

The sounds of electricity (even before we harnesses it, electricity existed.)

Industrial sounds (many sounds we associate with modern technology, people have probably heard for centuries. The sharp whistle of metal on metal. The creaking of steel, and buildings. The grinding of gears. We’ve had metal tools for most of our history now. Ancient People wouldn’t be unable to identify the sound of human constructs.)

Likewise, the concept of human constructs is not new, and a “caveman” could probably figure out certain things are non-living inventions even if they couldn’t figure out how it works. Just because you might view something as magic, does not mean you view it as a living beast, and we have always had weird things like magnets.

Hygiene. (It’s easy to think older societies were gross and stinky people. We have always bathed, and cared for our bodies. What has changed is waste disposal, sugar consumption, and our understanding of health.)

Glassware (at least as old as the 1st century bc)

Wrenches and screwdrivers (the modern wrenches were patented in like 1850, but we had screwdrivers in the Middle Ages. We tend not to see any construction tools other than a hammer and saw in historical fiction and it’s weird.)

Motors (of you look up the first motor, it’s hard to NOT be pointed to the internal combustion engine, but we have had moving parts, and been harnessing water and wind power for literally thousands of years. The concept of a motor is not new. The first “motor powered air compression system” was patented in 1799.)

Rail-systems and mine carts. (1500s)

Sunglasses, eyeglasses, and eye protection. (Haven’t heard this wives tale in years, but people didn’t assume you were a witch because you had corrective lenses. We have been protecting our eyes for centuries, and knew how to make corrective lenses since the 1200s.)

Sealed food (canning started in the 1800s, but we’ve had food and preserves in sealed containers for a very long time.)

Gas lines (we used to use natural gas for street lamps, and even internal lighting in large cities.)

Black rights (seriously, racism and racial inequality have sadly always existed, but it has always changed. Black people were not always slaves until the civil war. The Egyptians were black. Africa has a rich history. Black people walked free and even *gasp* held positions of power. The slave trade as we knew it began in the 15th century, but the exploitation of Africans, and dehumanization of black people, began to rapidly increase in the 1600s. I’m NB. I recommend looking to someone who knows more about this for a better explanation... just stop thinking history was All-White until the 1800s.)

Intelligence (just because we’ve advanced as a society doesn’t mean older civilizations were “dumber” and we need to stop depicting them as “idiots” especially in time travel fiction. Progress is often linear. We weren’t “too dumb” to invent the combustion engine, we just hadn’t discovered it yet.)

[aro-neir-o]

Carnival of Aros: New January 2020 Roundup

You all no-doubt saw my frantic posting and reblogging of the submissions on Friday (apologies; I thought I had spread those out, but no, I did not queue things correctly).

Thank you to everyone who submitted something and also to everyone who interacted with the submissions. I very much enjoyed hosting this carnival and everyone had something interesting to say. I myself did not have the spoons to write my own piece but a lot of my thoughts and feelings were echoed in others’ pieces.

I am following the format the December Carnival of Aros host used for the roundup. There is a Short List which is an amalgamation of links to all the submissions and a Long List with commentary about what each submission covered in terms of themes or topic. The Long List is under the Read More link.

SHORT LIST

Isaac, Part One and Part Two

Briar

Annie

Maximus

Ace of Arrows

Izel

Laura

Le herbe

Sennkestra

Scoop

LONG LIST

The first post Isaac wrote covers how learning the difference between asexuality and aromanticism opened up many doors for thinking about orientation, especially how a-spec orientations interact with non-a-spec orientation. Additionally, coining the term “squish” helped explain a lot of the non-normative platonic feelings aromanticism brought with it, and so new conceptualizations were able to be shared with the whole community. The second post talks about how discovering aromanticism interacted with discovering gender for Isaac. Orientation models that work with aromanticism can be applied to gender as well, so that one’s relationship to their sex can be considered separately from one’s relationship to gender.

“I didn’t identify as aromantic immediately, and as asexual even later, but splitting what was socially tangled opened new doors to me. [...] Sharing the terminology of “squish” with other people aware of aromanticism has allowed me to express clearly my feelings and even to establish a queerplatonic relationship, though I didn’t know of the terminology yet. [...] I could realize my gender identity because I split biological sex and psychosocial gender even for identity, where they are usually grouped together.”

In their post, Briar talks about how re-closeting themself has made them approach aspects of their identity differently. They mention how the prioritization of the identities they have in their life seems to be different from most aro bloggers, and how this makes them feel distanced from the community. How many issues framed as aro-specific issues are also being taken up by alloromantic people was also something they touch upon. They also share how a poem written by their friend resonated with aro experiences, giving an in-depth analysis of each stanza.

“I’m not trying to get some sort of reassurance that I can include myself in the aro community with this. It’s more that I’ve realized that not every group or community is made up of 200% committed Ride Or Die people, even if said group is considered young and relatively smaller than more established groups. [...] When I was first trying to figure out if I was somewhere under the aro umbrella at all, I came up with a term that I felt encompassed my specific experience. It kinda, sorta has overlap with a few other terms that I’ve seen a few times (definitely not often), but I’ve honestly never felt like sharing that term would actually accomplish anything in the aro community.”

Annie submitted a beautiful piece of art that expresses feelings of happiness upon discovering the aromantic identity. How the vocabulary and conceptualizations of the aro community helped Annie craft a new self can be seen in the colourful and prideful painting. Giving back to the community and sharing these feelings of happiness and gratitude really comes through in the piece.

“I have always been kinda creative, and I really wanted do something for the aro community and for myself. I discovered I was aro a year ago, and it made me so happy to have this new label that was almost made for me.”

Maximus wrote faer post on how discovering aromanticism can help one understand romance better. Fae talks about faer experiences with compulsory romance and heteronormativity growing up, and how understanding aromanticism helped with stepping back and becoming less judgemental towards others who experience romantic attraction. Furthermore, how romance can look very different for different people opened up a whole new understanding of love for Maximus.

“Being able to situate myself in the aro identity has given me a new, and frankly better, way to address the emotions and trends of my peers. Honestly, spending years of my life assuming people were being dramatic on purpose as a way of gaining or asserting social status was not the healthiest. It hasn't been until recently that I've been able to move away from the mindset that romance is a horrible thing. It is simply a strong emotion that I don't experience. The assumption that I did experience it was always, and continues to be, the worst part.”

The post Ace of Arrows made centers on positivity and acceptance of diversity. Channeling a mutually understood frustration into positive action is one such theme covered in the post. Ace of Arrows also discusses how aromanticism as an individual preference of orientation is deeply linked to narratives normalized in Western culture - narratives that are, historically speaking, new. The post ends with some book recommendations that align with Ace of Arrows’ own journey learning about alternative relationship models.

“I often think about how “romance” and the idea of “marrying for love” are actually very recent concepts that started gaining traction in the West some time around the middle of the 20th century, and yet we act as if this is how all humans everywhere have always conducted their relationships. [...] So it follows that there have also always been people who have conducted their individual relationships in a manner that is more closely aligned to the relationships of aromantic people today than the normalised romantic narrative of society.”

Izel submitted a poem, titled “To all the aros.” The poem opens with a call to other aros who share Izel’s experiences of frustrations and rejection, and it reads as a uniting anthem against these negative feelings. Acceptance of one’s own identity and of the diversity of aromantic experiences shine through as major takeaways from this piece.

“I thought that I needed a fairytail love story in my life in order to be happy. … … But I don’t need that.Aros don’t need that, don’t we? We don’t feel romantic attraction, and that’s ok.And some of us feel some romantic attraction, and that’s ok, too. Sometimes, romance isn’t for everyone.”

In her post, Laura discusses how new doesn’t always equate with excitement and optimism. Things that are new can just as often cause us fear and nervousness. Laura discusses how Tumblr has contributed to aro activism and growth, in both positive and negative ways. Finally, Laura calls for the aro community to continue reinventing itself and continue “becoming new,” to shed the fears that come with change, and to commit to real inclusion.

“I want to see the aro community grow. I want to see it create new resources, explore issues that have never been explored before, and build a foundation for a vibrant, inclusive community that will continue well into the future. [...] I’ve been doing my best to push the aro community in new directions for the better part of two years now. However, every time I or anyone else tries something new, there are people who are afraid.” 

Herbe de provence wrote a post on how discovering aromanticism, at first, triggered feelings of denial, but then set off a chain reaction of self-reflection that ended up explaining of lot of childhood feelings. Learning about aromanticism gave Le herbe new confidence to be accepting. How accepting and curious LGBTQ+ friends increased Le herbe’s pride in the aromantic identity is also an important theme touched on in the post.

“In truth, when I learned that I was aromantic I earned so much more than just a word to describe my experience for I learned to accept a part of myself I never knew I was reppresing. [...] Many, many months after first reading the word « aromantic » this is still new for me and I sometime have to remind myself that *it is alright to be myself*. That *it is alright to love like I want*, Like I *do*.” 

Sennkestra wrote a post combining the themes of “new” and “allyship.” Being a good ally means being consistently accepting, patient, and an active listener, but it can also mean learning and growing with new ways of being a better ally every so often. Sennkestra shares anecdotes as examples of above-and-beyond allyship and also encourages others to share their own, so that allies to aros everywhere can add new and diverse actions to their repertoire. The little things can count a lot.

“Even though many of these actions are objectively somewhat small things, they show that these people have remembered my identities, taken the time to learn a bit about it, and have had the presence of mind to actively take the chance to support us when they saw an opening. And cumulatively, they all add up to a lot of support that’s made it much easier to live the lifestyle I want to live without anxiety, and given me the backing I need to continue to do active work even with audiences who might not be so supportive.”

In her post, Scoop talks about how discovering the aro community brought her new understandings and connections with people that she was missing, but it also made connecting with non-aros that much harder. Scoop also describes her struggles choosing between non-SAM and alloaro labels - both of which resonate with her but are considered completely separate microcommunities. Finally, while Scoop expresses about her excitement with involving herself in new types of activism, she also expresses her fear about being outed in these situations. What’s new isn’t always without great risk.

“One of my friends will say, every now and then, 'romance isn’t all bad' to me and I find myself taken aback every time. I know it isn’t all bad? Does she think I do? Is it bc I criticise the system? But in reality I want people to find the romance they desire. I just simply think that they deserve it in a way that is much kinder and more considerate than they often receive it. And give it. I've gotten really good at speaking aro and sometimes I'm going to need to translate that language. [...] ”

[aroworlds]

The Vampire Conundrum, Part Two

When Rowan Ross is pressured into placing an aromantic pride mug on his desk, he doesn't know how to react when his co-workers don't notice it. Don't they realise he spent a weekend rehearsing answers for questions unasked? Then again, if nobody knows what aromanticism is, can't he display a growing collection of pride merch without a repeat of his coming out as trans? Be visible with impunity through their ignorance?

He can endure their thinking him a fan of archery, comic-book superheroes and glittery vampire movies. It's not like anyone in the office is an archer. (Are they?) But when a patch on his bag results in a massive misconception, correcting it means doing the one thing he most fears: making a scene.

After all, his name isn't Aro.

Contains: One trans, bisexual frayromantic alongside an office of well-meaning cis co-workers who think they're being supportive and inclusive.

Content Advisory: This story hinges on the way most cishet alloromantic people know nothing about aromanticism and the ways many trans-accepting cis people fail to best communicate their acceptance. In other words, expect a series of queer, trans and aro microaggressions. There are no depictions or mentions of sexual attraction beyond the words "allosexual" and "bisexual", but there are non-detailed references to Rowan's previous experiences with romance.

Length: 3, 737 words (part two of two).

Note: Posted for @aggressivelyarospec‘s AggressivelyArospectacular 2019.

Romance, too, feels like one of the mechanisms by which a dangerous trans body can be rendered more acceptable to cis folks.

“His name’s Aro,” Melanie says after lunch, showing a new volunteer around the office. She pats Rowan on the shoulder as she walks behind his chair, startling him enough that the clipping path he’s making around a photo of Damien’s head goes veering off to the side. “He does our website, our flyers and the information guides we send out. Aro like from the Twilight movies!”

Introductions once only encompassed Melanie’s habit of overly-stressing pronouns when referencing him—a dysphoria-triggering reminder that she doesn’t think him masculine enough for people to assume it. Isn’t that bad enough without her also getting his name wrong?

He sighs, frustrated. Complaining about this, when trans people are in desperate want of a working environment free of outright antagonism and discrimination, feels unreasonable. Hell, Rowan knows aromantics who’ll revel in being named “Aro”, so isn’t his hurt just pettiness? Isn’t this why he’s no longer welcome at home, a man too intolerant of his family’s mistakes? How many times did they tell him that his harping on about little things demonstrates a concerning lack of gratitude for their acceptance?

His co-workers do seem to believe in Rowan’s masculinity; he shouldn’t take that for granted.

Instead, he feels like he’s failing at being both transgender and aromantic.

After a fair amount of editing, he places Damien’s image in the brochure mock-up and exports to PDF. The office will make suggestions, some useful, some ignorant and some so absurd that Rowan will laugh with his friends later on, but that’s fine. He can’t expect otherwise in a workplace where everyone considers him possessed of unknowable ability with computers. They’re good people, in the main, and they care about their work.

It’s just complicated, and Rowan hates the feeling that complicated is the best cis people will let him get to a normalised acceptance.

“Aro? An Arrow fan called Aro? Really? Do you like comics or are you one of those people only into DC TV?”

Rowan looks up from attaching his PDF to an email to find the volunteer sitting on a creaking office chair and crab-walking it over to Rowan’s desk. “Comics?”

“Oh, good.” The volunteer sighs as if in relief. “I mean, the TV show? It isn’t terrible—better than most of DC’s movies, at least—but I’m so tired of people who call themselves fans but have never touched a comic book.”

Rowan glances at his journal cover, ponders its possible similarity to the show’s motif and nearly bursts out laughing. He’s never read a comic and doesn’t plan on doing so. He prefers indie podcasts and audiobooks on account of increased representation and greater ability to sew and cook while listening. “I’m not an Arrow fan. Sorry.”

Another show about cis people possessed of everyone-should-pair-up amatonormativity?

Hard pass.

“You’re not?” The volunteer gapes, waving his hand towards Rowan’s cluster of pride mugs. Three, now. Only one contains coffee, which feels like a terrible oversight. “Is this a joke, then? Are they getting you arrow stuff because of your name? Like some office thing?”

Aro.

His name is not Aro.

Rowan once thought the concept of snapping a mere storytelling device, something as ludicrous or impossible as “glittering eyes” or “romantic interest that lasts after getting to know someone”. At best an experience had by people without a brain that doesn’t devote most of its time to screaming alerts at the prospect of anything dangerous. Absurd, irrational, void of any real-life relevance.

Not even with his family has he felt this chilling, all-encompassing moment of enough.

He looks back at his computer, attaches a second PDF file to his email and, before he considers pesky things like consequences, clicks send. Then Rowan climbs up on his office chair, steps up onto the desk and whistles like a country boy who owned a border collie prone to sneaking off the property and rounding up the neighbour’s sheep.

Everyone in the office gapes up at him with a motley assortment of parted lips, unblinking eyes and, in Melanie’s case, the pointing of a long, vermillion-polished fingernail.

Up high, the room reeks of nesting rodents and the popcorn ceiling desperately wants refinishing.

Now Rowan’s brain tells his limbs to shake and his chest to heave; of course, he thinks as he shoves his hands behind his back, anxiety kicks in after he’s neck-deep in it! “My … my name is Rowan. I chose it.” He looks at the vent on the opposite wall, fighting to sound collected. Is that black mould? “Dad told me if I rejected my deadname, I was rejecting them. That I was being cruel and selfish. I earnt my name!” He stops, gasping for breath like a hooked fish—which, given his terror, feels far too appropriate a simile. “My identity is aro, short for aromantic, like being queer—one way of my being queer. So ... there’s a PDF booklet in your inbox about aromanticism. Read it! I’m proud of being aro, but you need to call me by the name I chose! It’s Rowan!”

He jumps down off the desk. The creaking laminate and the thud of his dress shoes, a little too large for Rowan’s feet, sound abominably loud in the sepulchrally-quiet room. Heading past giddy into faint, but pushed on by a heedlessness of the “this can’t possibly get worse because I’m going to be fired” variety, Rowan snatches up his satchel and reaches into the side pocket to pull out his handful of print leaflets. He drops one in the lap of the gaping volunteer, tosses the rest on an empty desk for luddites who prefer paper, and returns to his chair.

Seven sets of speechless eyes bore holes through his skull, shoulders and spine.

Rowan jams on his headphones, opens his no-romance metal playlist and turns his music up to a volume just short of deafening before queuing new posts to the project’s website.

When he invented the God of Trans Men as flippant rhetoric to cope with Melanie’s questions, is it right to pray to him?

***

Two hours later, doing his best to radiate an aura of do not disturb on pain of your bloody death, Rowan fights to pay attention to the last event write-up. Leaving early means asking permission and walking down the row of desks, risking stares and comments; he instead corrects Melanie’s idiosyncratic punctuation. Didn’t Melanie go to school at a time when they taught more than English comprehension? How doesn’t she know when not to use an apostrophe?

There’ll be consequences. Warnings? A formal discussion in the private office the supervisors only use for interviews? A request that he undergo counselling? A strong recommendation for psychiatric assessment? Firing? It isn’t like they can’t throw a rock and hit thousands of people under the age of forty with general computer skills and design ability who aren’t prone to standing on desks to make unwanted announcements.

No. Focus on the damn comma splices.

Should he ask his psychiatrist for the soonest possible appointment? New meds?

A tap on the shoulder makes Rowan’s head threaten to brush the probably-asbestos-riddled ceiling; he gasps and yanks off his headphones, trembling.

Melanie stands beside his chair, holding out her phone in its glossy pink case. “Those words that are underlined? Can I click on them to find out what they mean, like on a website? Like ... al-lo-sexual?”

“Hyperlinks in an interactive PDF—the file on your phone—work the same way as on a website,” Rowan says without thinking: in the last three months, he’s been asked this ten times. “If you click on those links, they’ll take you to a glossary at the end of the document with definitions.”

Damien sits facing his usual computer, his head tilted as if watching out the corner of his eye.

Melanie smiles the expression of a woman in an alternate dimension where Rowan doesn’t engage in embarrassing outbursts. “You’re so good at all this stuff, Rowan.” She stresses his name just enough that he can pretend she didn’t. “Where did you learn it all?”

He once tried to explain his philosophy of clicking on things only to realise that while the concept of generational divides requires excessive generalisation, a difference exists in terms of his willingness to fearless experimentation with electronic devices and programs. “School. Uni.”

“You’re so lucky. School was nothing like that when I was a girl. You have so many more opportunities now. And identities.” Melanie sighs and pushes a wisp of grey hair back from her eyebrows. “It’s good, it really is.”

Rowan blinks, startled into silence by a rare glimpse of validation stripped of performance and demonstration.

He hadn’t thought anyone here capable of it.

“It says that some people feel repulsed by romance? Are you like that? Should we do something? Do we need to not talk about romance in the office? Like, if I describe my daughter dating her boyfriend, not that I want to, is that bad? Do we need to hold a meeting? Damien—Damien—”

Damien turns, wearing the blinded look of a rabbit frozen in a spotlight. “Yes...?”

For how long has Damien worked with Melanie? For how long has the office rolled with Melanie’s interruptions and proclamations, her meetings called about the slightest of issues? For how long has the office accepted Shelby’s incessant reminding and Damien’s inability to surrender event photography to someone who knows how to modify their flash settings? Isn’t there a chance that they’ll tolerate Rowan’s occasional moments of desk-blathering?

A trans aro should be able to sew a patch on his bag reading “aro” without provoking cis weirdness. Since when does someone read a new word on his bag and assume that’s now his name? Isn’t that another over-the-top demonstration made by awkward cis people trying to prove their acceptance, something that’s never made Rowan feel safe?

Even when he’s aromantic, he never gets to avoid cissexism.

He slides his hands between the seat and his legs, aware of Melanie’s once again drawing the office’s unbroken attention. “I, personally, don’t care if people talk about their romances,” he says, certain that Damien needn’t answer Melanie about meetings, “but I do care when people assume I must want one. I do care when Sh … some of you just keep asking if I’m dating anyone.”

Rowan long set aside the need to bother with romance. He isn’t aromantic in the way most people first think of the word, as he does fall in love, but it describes his frayromanticism nonetheless. Why put himself through the inevitable messy, angry break-up when his partners don’t understand why what started as romance ends up to him as a friendship? When dating isn’t without trans-related challenges, why force himself into a type of relationship that he knows won’t last?

Romance, too, feels like one of the mechanisms by which a dangerous trans body can be rendered more acceptable to cis folks, in the same way it sanitises his equally-threatening bisexuality. If queers are holding hands and exchanging rings, just like cis and heterosexual couples, they’re safe.

He wants to be normal, but not that normal.

Melanie surprises him again by nodding. Opaque red only colours the corners of her lips; the worn centres reveal the brownish-pink beneath. “Like how we now don’t assume everyone’s—what’s the fancy word you use for not being you?”

“Cis. Yeah.”

“At my first job, I never dared yeah my elders. Can I ask what’s this a-sexual thing? Not-sexual? That’s a thing that can go with your a-ro-manti-cism? Am I saying it right? Is that something people can be?” Melanie grabs the volunteer’s vacated chair and wheels herself up to Rowan’s desk. “Tell me about this. Please.”

Damien gives a theatrically deep sigh, winks at Rowan and turns back to his keyboard.

Rowan’s tangle of feelings bewilders him too much to be simple relief, but he doesn’t appear to be at immediate risk of losing his job.

***

“We need to have a meeting!” Melanie announces ten days later, striding up to where Damien peers over Rowan’s shoulder to approve the touch-ups on a series of scanned photos. Rowan grasps the want to have a section on the website showcasing past events, but surely Damien’s film-camera predecessors weren’t all unable to take decent pictures? “Today. Perhaps before lunch?”

“Do we?” Damien doesn’t bother to turn his head. “What’s the number on the urgency scale, remembering that whiteboard markers aren’t a five?”

“I’m aro-ace.” Melanie stresses the words, beaming with the confidence of a child presenting a new finger-painted masterpiece. “I didn’t know, but I definitely am. I’m aromantic and asexual.”

“I’m glad for you.” Now Damien faces her, scratching his shock of unruly brown hair. “I don’t know why this needs a meeting? Do you want something addressed?”

Rowan leans back in his chair, too startled to do anything but watch. Melanie’s interrogation of him about all things a-spec over the last few days left him certain that she was questioning, but he didn’t expect this announcement—or Damien’s reaction to it.

“I’ve been reading, and I sent around a list of links everyone else should read, too. We must do something about our website. And, of course, everyone should know I’m aro-ace, and then let people ask any questions. Then we should consider changes to our submission forms, and then...”

Already, Melanie has done more to integrate her identity into the office and its projects than Rowan ever dared risk. Why, then, does he feel as though he’s being pressed inside a metal suit three sizes too small? Shouldn’t the end result be worth enduring a staff meeting in which she announces she’s aro-ace? Melanie being Melanie, she’ll gladly answer questions about aromanticism. Doesn’t that give Rowan everything he wanted—ability to be out as aromantic but someone else’s dealing with allo nonsense?

Matt’s right.

Rowan’s just a coward.

Damien nods at Rowan. “What do you think about that?”

“Uh...” Rowan draws a delaying breath, fighting against a brain too bewildered to be useful in forming comprehensible speech. “Uh … you’d have to run form changes past someone higher up, wouldn’t you? We have to ask about everything else? But...”

He doesn’t name Melanie a friend, but fellow aromantics aren’t common enough that Rowan will reject a companion—even if they’re cis and have subjected him to half a year’s discomfort, anxiety and alienation. He slides his restless hands under his legs, biting his lip against the sickening realisation. Melanie’s enthusiastic fearlessness may make this office and program better for him as an aro, but how can it answer all the attitudes that made Rowan fear coming out in the first place?

If he’s a coward, doesn’t he have reason?

“We do need a meeting,” he says slowly, his heart pounding in his chest like blast beats in death metal. “On better integrating marginalised people into our office. Because the way you emphasise my pronouns, Melanie, or the way Shelby reassures me five times that I can correct her … that doesn’t make me feel safe. It makes me feel reminded. Different. Too visible. And that’s why...”

“You ended up standing on a desk?” Damien asks with the gruffness of a middle-aged cis man trying to sound gentle.

“Yeah,” Rowan mutters. “That.”

Melanie clasps her fingers to her lips. “Oh! I didn’t mean anything by it! I just wanted people to get it right!”

How many times has he suffered through well-meaning people explaining that in response to his saying that they made him uncomfortable? How many times has he heard people justify their actions as though good intent always mitigates bad impact?

“You’re … you’re still making this about you! The only answer I want or need from you is thanks for telling me, Rowan, I won’t do it again! That’s all! Not your reasoning, not this effort to justify! I want to know that you hear me, that you’ll acknowledge that your intent however good still made me come home crying from dysphoria, and that you’ll stop because I don’t want to put up with it anymore! That’s all!”

For the second time in less than a fortnight, a chilling silence envelops the office.

“We need a meeting,” Rowan says breathlessly, reminding himself that at least this time he isn’t standing on his desk, “discussing how to include marginalised people in our office. Discussing all the microaggressions. Maybe you need to find … educators, trainers who come in and do this. I don’t know. I’m just so tired of never feeling safe or normal, never feeling like I can say anything because this isn’t hate and at least you’re not my parents! Like I don’t ever get to have anything better!”

He stands up, unsure what to do past fetching himself a distracting cup of coffee.

Maybe, then, he’ll be able to survive the way Melanie looks at him—as though he just ran over her puppy.

She just came out, and he did run right over it.

“I’m sorry.” Rowan sags onto his chair, leaning forwards to grab his satchel despite the unpleasant giddiness. “I’m sorry. It’s wonderful, Melanie, that you now know who you are and that you can come out. And it’s amazing that you’re doing things already, when I needed like six months just to get used to my knowing I’m aro. I just...” He reaches inside the satchel and pulls out a rough oblong shape wrapped in white tissue paper. “Here. I’m sorry.”

He, an allo-aro man, screwed up an aro-ace woman’s coming out. Shouldn’t he know better? He wants to laugh, wants to cry, wants to curl up in a ball and hide under his desk. Even now, when he’s trying to get what he needs as a trans man, he’s being the worst kind of aromantic!

Her lips pinched, Melanie takes the present in her hands, worrying at the top piece of tape with her long, pink nails.

“We’ll have a meeting.” Damien runs his hand through his hair as though he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. “I’ll talk to the heads about … sensitivity training, I suppose this also is. Would you be willing to write me an email outlining some of these behaviours and any ways we can make this office safer for you? Is that an appropriate thing to ask of you?”

“I don’t mind,” Rowan says. As long as he doesn’t go ignored, he’ll send a few emails—and he already has a few blog posts on which to draw. “Thank you.”

“Do you … want anything, now? To talk privately to me or anyone else? Or to a senior supervisor? Or someone with the government body? Can I do or arrange anything else?”

“Coffee. Please. And … and then to go back to fixing photos as though absolutely nothing happened because I don’t … do this sort of thing.” Rowan heaves a shaking sigh, pushing aside the thought that nobody can have failed to observe this. “Thank—thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you.”

He notices Damien gesturing at Melanie, notices that Rowan’s aro flag mug leaves with both and returns a few minutes later—now distracting from the office’s musty odour with its rich bitterness. He takes a few sips, but only by throwing himself into his work can he survive the gibbering, chattering thoughts building into a crushing tsunami of what the hell. Why did he do that? Why—no. Photos.

The soft clunk of crockery hitting laminate makes him look up.

Melanie leans against the edge of Rowan’s desk, her hand resting atop her new orange, yellow, white and blue aro-ace flag mug. “I’m sorry. Thanks for telling me.” She draws a deep breath, tapping her nails against the rim. “I didn’t know I could … that there’s an explanation, until I read your booklet. It described me. Things I didn’t realise about me! Things I’d been feeling! But … I’ve been learning about things like micro-aggressions. I didn’t know I’d been doing them myself. I’m sorry. I’ll keep learning. And thank you for my cup.”

“I know,” Rowan says softly, thinking back to the day when he realised the words “aromantic” and “frayromantic” describe him. A belated voicing of confusion and alienation; the naming of a constant sense of difference from the world. Revelation, understanding, explanation. “I know. I’m sorry, too. I don’t like … scenes. Or asking people things. I’m an anxious coward. So it just...”

He waves his hands, trying to mime an explosion.

Melanie, wide-eyed, jerks her head. “I couldn’t have said anything if you hadn’t done it first—and I wouldn’t have known to say anything if you hadn’t! And you’re asking us to do things knowing that we don’t understand, which must be frightening at least. You’re brave. And you shouldn’t be sorry.”

Rowan stares at her, unsure what to say in response. Never has anyone in his life freely offered such a sentiment. Never has anyone offered him something so generous without subsequent critique of Rowan’s intolerance for and impatience with their struggles to deal with him, praise softening the following reproval.

Brave.

His throat tightens and his eyes blur.

“Would you work with me on a proposal to put together for the submission forms? Damien insisted that I work with you, if you want to.”

“Uh … yeah?”

Melanie grabs a stack of papers from her desk and a chair. “I’ve gone through the old forms and highlighted passages. Do you want to read through and see if there’s anything I’ve missed or anything that should be left?”

He nods and takes the papers. Is this an alternate universe, the world flung upside down? Or, if people possess a minimum of decency, can he make needed change by addressing his problems instead of letting everyone talk over him? Can he build a world where he doesn’t endure cis or allo microaggressions by believing that their inconveniences aren’t worth more than his discomfort?

If his co-workers doesn’t object to correction, if they’re willing to make changes and investigate training, is the problem one of Rowan’s overreaction?

Does that mean he can talk to Matt the way he spoke to Melanie and Damien?

“Is something wrong?” Melanie asks, frowning.

Rowan shakes his head and plucks a pen from his frayro mug. “No.”

For the first time in a long time, that’s mostly true.

[arotechno]

How do i stop wishing i was 'normal' (alloromantic)? It seems that i only see hate for aros or we're forgotten entirely and just not normalized. I want to feel normal, too. Not defective. And i wish we could speak of it without having our identity or queerness questioned by whatever exclusionist comes out of the woodworks. I wish for more irl aro spaces, for allos (esp straight ppl) to see us as normal, for therapists to know we're ok and train to deal with issues we might face. I need hope

Hi anon! Sorry I’m getting to this so late, I hope you’re still reading this?

I don’t really have an easy answer for you; I suppose the first step is to constantly and firmly remind yourself, any time you have these thoughts, that being aromantic is normal, that there’s nothing defective about you, that alloromantic folks aren’t more complete or more “normal” than you.

I feel you on wanting more irl aro spaces! The obvious solution is to create them yourself, and I don’t know what your situation is, but personally, I’m not equipped in terms of time or resources to do that, and I’m also not out publicly enough to feel safe doing that.

As for increasing acceptance and becoming normalized, well... that’s something that can only happen with time and determination and solidarity as a community and with other communities. This may not really make you feel any better, but if it helps, we’ve come quite a long way just in the last 5 or so years since I first realized I was aro. There are a couple articles out there now, Moses Sumney released Aromanticism, we’ve been added to multiple dictionaries, more LGBTQ+ organizations have moved to include aros, multiple aspec organizations have started to become more explicitly aro-inclusive, and in general more people know we exist. With an increase in visibility is always going to come backlash. That’s why we have a community, to support one another and fight for one another. Existing as yourself, even if you aren’t out or open about being aro, is radical.

As for dodging exclusionists, truth be told they aren’t worth your time. Block and move forward, that’s the only thing you can really do. Not talking about our identities just because they might have something nasty to say is just giving them exactly what they want!

[aroacepagans]

Alright so the survey on aro community needs from this post got 30 responses, and with it all being long form I don’t expect to get many more.

So what I’m going to do is give summaries of common themes and answers above the cut for people who don’t want to read through a bunch of text, and then I’m going to put individual answers under the cut for folks who are interested. Please note that these are all anonymous survey answers, and they do not necessarily reflect my opinions. I encourage people to have/start discussions around the topics brought up here so that we can work towards having a mutually fulfilling and cohesive community. 

Summary: 

 What are the community needs of alloaros?

More recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, aro specific spaces where no one will assume that they’re ace and where they don’t have to be bombarded by ace content, safe spaces to talk about their experiences with sexual attraction, and a wider community acknowledgment that ace and aro don’t mean the same thing. 

What are the community needs of aroaces?

Separate aroace spaces, space and language that allows them to express the interconnectedness of their aro and ace identities, a recognition of the diversity of aroace experiences including the experiences of oriented aroaces and aro leaning aroaces, spaces devoid of both sex and romance, and less infighting between the aro and ace communities. 

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

New language that doesn’t enforce the use of SAM as a norm and that doesn’t enforce a SAM/ non-SAM binary, more recognition of aromantic as one whole identity, more inclusion of their identity within aro spaces, and having the ability to label themselves as aro without being asked what their other identity is . 

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

Specific spaces where they can talk about aromantic attraction, more recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, more greyro/aro-spec specific resources and content, and a larger platform within the aspec community to discuss their experiences.  

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

Increased visibility, spaces free from amatonormativity, safe and unbiased shared spaces for all members of the aro/aro-spec community, separation and distinction from alloaces, more in-person spaces, and a building of understanding and acceptance between the different community subgroups.  

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

Better and more formalized tagging systems, creating more forums, chats, tags, etc, that are specific to different aro and arospec subgroups, creating more variety in online aro spaces generally, giving equal online spaces and platforms to all aro subgroups, and having open and polite community discussion about our needs within online aro spaces. 

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

Use inclusive language, allow for smaller sub-communities within larger aro and aspec groups, provide resources for small, lesser known identities both within groups and at pride, push for more aro inclusion in wider queer spaces and create safe and respectful discussion spaces where everyone can voice their needs  

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

Civil and open discussions, try to find solutions instead of just arguing, and create separate spaces for subgroups when needed while continuing to maintain larger general spaces for discuison and community building. 

Individual answers:

What are the community needs of alloaros?

1. A space to be aromantic but not asexual. As an alloaro myself, I struggle to relate to many aroaces - and the ace community in general - because my sexuality is a big part of my identity, right along side being aromantic. I want a place where I can discuss how being aromantic affects my sexual attraction without having to focus on one or the other

2.  A place to talk about sexual attraction without being ridiculed or being called a player. Advice about how to go about getting a relationship that fulfills their needs without be demeaned to expected to evolve into romantic.

3.  I'm not alloaro, so I don't feel comfortable speculating on their behalf, but from the perspective of an outsider looking in, they need more visibility, both within and outside of the aro community.

4.  Recognition mostly, acknowledging that asexuals can’t keep putting their stuff into the aro tag, the fact that romance repulsed allo aros exist and are uncomfortable with allo aces putting their stuff everywhere

5.  Aro specific places. I personally don't have to talk about sexuality in general areas but aroallo specific places/sites/tags for this would be great.

6.  Dismantling the assumption that aromanticism is inherently linked to asexuality (even if it is for some individuals, it's most definitely not a hard rule that applies to everybody else), moving away from seeing aroace as the "default" aro experience and in fact not assuming one's other possible identities because they identify as aro at all

7.  Not one myself - probably spaces to find safe hook-ups if desired, to talk amongst themselves

8.  Less ace experience talking over aro experience. Also, not conflating the two identities as one.

9.  I often feel ashamed of the allo part of my identity. I think more visibility would help a lot. It also took a very long time for me to even consider being aro because I was under the impression I had to be ace so separating those ideas would help.

10.  As I’m not allo aro I can’t really say, but a lot of them have been speaking out and saying that they don’t want aro to automatically mean aroace, and that aromantism is not a sub sexuality is asexual

11.  To talk about alloaro specific issues freely, and to not be assumed to be ace or to have to leave our sexualities at the door when entering aro spaces

12.  Increased awareness that one can experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction

13.  To be respected and given a aro-specific space/platform to discuss their needs/issues/etc

14.   A space to not be: assumed ace, confused with aces, forced to avoid talking about how they want sex without romance and how that sexual desire affects them, etc. A space where they can find others like them to help them understand themselves better and make friendships and feel less isolated.

15.  i'm not alloaro so i'm not going to speak for them but like. acknowledging that aro does not mean ace and allowing the aro community to exist outside of the ace umbrella is super important

What are the community needs of aroaces?

1.  Recognition that aro is an equal and completely it's own community but that the community doesn't have to be completely separated.

2.  Separated areas where uniquely aroace experiences can be discussed

3.  Less infighting between the aromantic and asexual communities. You can and should call out hurtful behavior by the other community, but going into isolation mode leaves aroaces stuck in the middle of two sides retreating in on themselves. Aroace issues are aro issues! Aroace issues are ace issues!

4.  Acknowledging that we occupy a unique overlap between the aro and ace communities that no other perioriented people experience (if we can even call ourselves perioriented, since we're basically forced to straddle two communities or else have one aspect of our identity erased); having spaces where we can talk about our aroaceness without having to separate out our identities, when we often can't

5.  Well if you mean just "aroaces" who use it as one word for a convergent orientation they need a place where mixing up and "confusing" an experience as related to their aromanticism when it's more about being ace doesn't get aros yelling at them in the Tumblr tags that they shouldn't tag it aromanticism and they're stupid/horrible hurting aros when they do. They need a place where they can talk about their experiences as very interconnected and inseparable without offending people for whom they are separable. They likely mostly want to learn from allo aros and allo aces what it feels like to be allo so they better understand more of society and don't want to feel alienated from either community of aces as a whole or aros as a whole.

6.  I just want some safe wholesome space. Since I joined the aro community on tumblr couple years back, it just feels like the community is defined by discourse, negativity, fights, petty disagreements and drama. I understand, the community is still in diapers and we need to figure ourselves out, but I feel like we've lost the way. Do we need to react to every troll and hater? Is seriously someone offended by them? Why do we legitimise and acknowledge them as part of the discussion? It's like giving an equal platform to scientists and flat earthers. Is this really how we want to be? If you try to think away all the drama stuff, what's left? Is there anything left at all?

7.  The freedom to find their place in both ace/aro spaces and for people to allow them to use/not use the SAM as they see fit. Perhaps giving non-SAM aroaces some new language?

8.  More community for aro aces. As an aro ace myself I always have to divide time between the aro and ace communities

9.  a space where both identities are recognised as equally important - a space where aro identity isn't seen as a subset of ace identity, or deriving from it - somewhere they can express romance and sex repulsion or lack of thereof

10.  A term that isn’t AroAce. Something that is not just a combination of aromantic and asexual. But to also not be a sub set of allo aro or allo ace. We shouldn’t need to choose which identity is more important and we shouldn’t have to use the SAM.

11.  I think to recognize that there is an aroace spectrum. You can be mlm, wlw, nblnb, etc and still be aroace

12.  Content that doesn't rely on "but we still experience x attraction!", tips for living alone/single, also tips for finding/being in a committed relationship such as a qpr (I personally want a relationship but I have no idea how to even start looking for one)

13.  I am not aroace so my opinion should not carry as much weight as others but from what my aroace friends irl say, I think we need more recognition for oriented aroaces

14.  To be able to talk about the intersection of our identities and how we are uniquely impacted by aphobia

15.  Understanding that not all aroaces feel that their two identifiers hold equal value to them (e.g. aromantic as a primary identity with asexuality as a secondary identity). Letting people focus on the one identity over the other is not an exclusion on the other identity; their preferred identity is just more meaningful in their lifes and/or personal growth.

16.  Available spaces that are not only sexualised spaces (eg clubs), options to avoid discussion of sex, being hit on if desired (colour code in mixed irl aro-spaces?)

17.  Aroaces need a space where they don't have to pick between their aro and ace identities, as well as a space where sex and/or romance repulsed aroaces dont have to deal with romance or sex in any way

18.  Idk, not aro ace but I would say recognition as well

19.  Full disclosure, I've mostly stopped participating in the ace/aro communities of late (though I haven't stopped reading it) because it felt like every time aroaces spoke up, we were brushed aside or shrugged off because we were the "privileged" ones (in both aro and ace circles). That means I'm a bit out of the loop. I identify far more with my aromanticism than my asexuality, but I've definitely been made to feel that I'm somehow a negative influence on both communities because I technically belong to both. I feel bad enough discussing my identity outside of the ace and aro communities, particularly among queer friends - it feels like when I bring up aroace experiences, it's like I've doused the fire of whatever conversation I was in, and I don't feel like replicating that feeling by trying to talk about it on the 'net, too. So, I guess we mostly need acceptance. We need spaces where alloaros can talk about their experiences without feeling bombarded by aroaces, we need spaces where aroaces can talk about our experiences without feeling like we're marauding on allo experiences, and we need places where both sides can talk about our aromanticism as one community. We as aroaces need to do better about determining when to discuss our issues, and making sure we're discussing them within the communities they're relevant to, as well. I have a pretty solid handle on which aspects of my identity are informed by my aromanticism and which are informed by my asexuality, but that's not a universal experience. Plenty of people have issues separating the two, especially when they're missing both sexual AND romantic attraction. It's hard to determine which of those "missing" pieces are supposed to fit where, and it's important to understand and find a place for these people to post, as well. But ultimately there needs to be more acceptance and openess all around. And I have no idea how we can do all of this.

20.  Often aro and ace-ness are inseparable to aroaceness and thus unless something is very specifically about sexual attraction aroaces need to have a sense of flexibility

21.  Honestly, as a greyro-ace myself, I feel like aroaces are sort of the face of the community

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

1.  it's all in the name 'non-SAM' for me. that it is assumed everyone has multiple attractions and/or labels themselves by them. it's use rather implies that the words aro or aromantic or aro-spec /don’t/ automatically include us. it's obviously a perspective change needed here, maybe a new term or descriptor as well? i don’t kno really but i hate the specification of — the expected /need to/ specify — non-SAM.

2.  I'm gonna skip the other Qs b/c I don't think I can speak for SAM-using folks. Anyway, as a non-SAM aro I think some of my big things are 1. Recognizing that aromanticism can be its own identity without being split or modified 2. Ending the default assumption that I am ace, identify as ace, and know what the heck ace people need in their communities. 3. Recognizing and respecting aros who don't want or desire QPPs and making it clear that non-QPP friendships and family are not only as good as but can be just as fulfilling as other relationship models. 4. Including non-SAM people as part of our basic and default definitions of asexuality and aromanticism. 5. Making space for discussions of why microlabels don't work for everyone and why the SAM doesn't work for everyone 6. Making an active effort to make aspec spaces more accessible to folks who have just learned about aspec stuff, folks with cognitive and language disabilities, and non-native English speakers. And, like on a broad note, my autism makes it difficult for me to break my identity into tiny pieces. The aspec community's focus on microlabels and the split attraction model, plus the fact that the people participating in discussions often seem to be younger than me and just barely in the process of developing an identity that I've been comfortable in for many years, makes me feel isolated and alienated from the community. When I do participate, the complex and high-entry-level jargon that some members of the community use make it difficult for me to participate in community interactions, which leaves me feeling even more alienated.

3.  again, not speaking over other people, but it's important to recognize that aromanticism is a full identity on its own and doesn't inherently require use of the SAM. breaking down the alloaro/aroace binary

4.  It seems they want to just talk about aromanticism without having people judge which type of aro they are for if their views count etc. They want more than anyone for aces to be better allies when it comes to LGBTQIA arguing where the A doesn't mean Ally and rather asexual that there needs to be room for the queerness of aromanticism in the LGBTQ+ umbrella. They more than anyone will always need aromantic specific everything - recognition, representation, communities, where no one expects you to also be something else

5.  For myself, mostly non binary language and less assumptions that all aros ID with the SAM would be helpful, also acknowlement that non-SAM aros may have differing experiences as a group. This sounds small, and honestly it is, but the unintended consequence of binary language addressing only 'aroaces' and 'aroallos' that I've seen is that spaces can become increasingly polarized between different split attractions and then I've just kind of slipped through the gap in between. It's just my personal experience, of course, but honestly just including this box in the survey is a great start.

6.  In-space focuses and new language.

7.  More awareness

8.  A space where we don't feel the need to express ace/allo identity alongside our aro identity

9.  To not get caught in an alloaro Vs aroace war that they can't pick a side for, is probably one.

10.  We just need ppl to stop kind of adding us in a sentence in their post or say 'not everyone uses the sam' I wish we could have more discussions on why the sam doesn't really work for us or how we're left out from the community as a whole.

11.  Acceptance of just being aro. Aromantic is a whole independent identity despite where it was born.

12.  A space to talk about how the ace community has harmed them or made them feel unwelcome without aroaces or alloaces acting like it is an insult

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

1.  Understanding that not everyone is completely aro or that their romantic attraction levels change.

2.  providing spaces to talk about experiences with romantic attraction/relationships

3.  I'm in this group. I need to feel like it's ok that aromanticism stay a spectrum and some aros are "more ace" (I'm sex-averse etc) than clearly aro (I might choose to date) and to not feel like people are accusing me of being alloromantic when I don't feel alloro. If people make sweeping statements about aros that don't include me or sweeping statements about alloros that do cover my experiences, it is hurtful and invalidating of my identity. And it even can make me doubt myself which isn't fair after I've spent years figuring myself out. I want a happy community that can get along and not hate aces preemptively before any of the select aces they're talking to did anything wrong. Who can forgive aces who make mistakes but who want to be better allies. I'm an ace and an aro-spec person. I'm an ally to aros who aren't gray but all forms of people being an ally takes some learning curve. Understanding that can go a long way.20 hours agoMore awareness21 hours agomore discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor alloa day ago- a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledgeda day agoIdk I'm not on the speca day agoMore content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be greata day agoacknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.a day agoN/aa day agoTheir own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.a day agoNot greyro, likewise not my place to comment.2 days agoThe aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.2 days agoUh2 days agoArospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction2 days agoI think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition 2 days ago

4.  More awareness

5.  more discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor allo

6.  a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledged

7.  More content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be great

8.  acknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.

9.  Their own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.

10.  The aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.

11.  Arospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction

12.  I think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

1.  what we need across the board is recognition, compassion, and dissemination.

2.  More aro recognition and its own and equal but not completely seperate from ace (for aro aces) community.

3.  To discuss their experiences with the lack of romantic attraction and amatonormativity, amongst other General arospec issues

4.  safe spaces to talk about being aro and all of the ways it intersects with other aspects of our identity; representation and advocacy

5.  Neutral aro-spec spaces where all intersectionality is equally accepted but also not the main topic or qualifier; recognition of a broad range of experiences; recognition of specific language and acknowledgment of their existences; facilitated ability to speak about more specific or 'niche' topics

6.  Recognition in queer spaces and healthy dialogue about language.

7.  i think we all want a platform for our specific topics and we want recognition, but also community

8.  A space where romance repulsion is acknowledged and respected - a space where aro identity is prioritised, no matter what other identities go along with it, if there are any at all

9.  To move forward in our activism to make aromanticism more well known and more accepted in society?? And to have a safe place to go after a day of dealing with amatonormativity and aphobia.

10.  To make ourselves exist outside the definition of asexual

11.  I think all the communities/identities need to recognize that there is a problem. If we unite with each other and have so much love and understanding in the form of unity, I think a lot of these problems will resolve themselves.

12.  Visibility?

13.  make sure we understand each other's experiences and what makes everyone feel included / excluded. We need to make that we sure we own up if we excluded someone, and that we try to fix it.

14.  Visibility is my greatest concern for all aspects of aro and arospec problems.

15.  Aces need to stop speaking for them. Aro-spec and aro people can speak for themselves on their own experiences. Additionally, aroaces need to focus more on the aro identity (whether it's primary or secondary to them) when it involves aro discourse. They can have a focus on their ace identity only with the exception that both identities are heavily tied to each other and both identities are discussed. Again, this is specifically for aro-specific discourse.

16.  Discussion of amatonormativity, experiences with pressure to find partners

17.  A creation of a unified aro space that includes and supports *anybody* identifying as aro or arospec

18.  The validity of aro identities shaping gender identities. I believe I'm nb in large part because of aromanticism.

19.  All four of these groups need visibility and more in person communities

20.  Allo aces need to stop taking over everything is the overarching problem when you think about it, they also need to stop throwing aros under the bus

21.  We ALL need more visibility. We need voices that aren't reliant on the ace community to speak for us as an afterthought, and I say that AS an ace. We need to talk about aromanticism as a whole. And we need to do so proudly and informatively. I've noticed that it's really, really hard to talk about aromanticism without making it sound like I'm demonizing romantic attraction, and that's a dangerous treading ground within the queer community. There's been a lot of negatively portraying queer romantice from outside of the community, and we need to make sure we're not stepping on those land mines, but we do need our voices heard on aromanticism and amatonormativity, too. Also, we need to hold fast to QPRs and squishes (and, imo, aplatonic) and not let those ideas get swept out with the discourse trash. We also need to support both the aros who want and have QPRs, and the aros who want nothing to do with them. I see a lot of support for aros in various forms of non-romantic (and sometimes romantic) relationships, but very little for aros who choose to fly solo, and what that means in a world that expects you to pair up.

22.  I do think we need to be more openly vocal about our separateness from the ace community, though it seems to be tearing aroaces apart at the seams

23.  A space to discuss aromanticism - however people experience it - in a space were others are opening and welcoming. Possibly also older members of the community giving advice to newer members who are struggling to come to terms with their aromanticism in a society so focused on romance

24.  I feel like a lot of aros are frustrated with their experiences being mislabeled as ace experiences, or having the assumption that aro and ace experiences are basically the same

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

1.  make sure you aren’t in an echochamber? share/create content for orientations other than your own? be kind? remember that when we're fighting it's kind of over scraps and we deserve better? i'm not sure honestly but i really think a lot of this comes down to perspective. plus remember the block button exists lol. i'm talking about things all on a personal, individual level and i don’t kno how to effect anything otherwise. how about a content creation week where the subject is an orientation other than your own? with emphasis on asking questions to get shit right. it'd be a learning experience that builds community. i can't think of a thing to answer this question on a larger scale ://

2.  We accept that some people see their aro and/or ace identitie/s seperate and some don't. Also that some only have one of these identities. And we spread aro recognition.

3.  Equal education and resources for all parts of the aro spectrum

4.  Cut it out with the pack instinct. Aces and aros snarling at eachother really freaks out aroaces. 

5.  it's impossible to curate a monolithic online space that will meet the needs of every single member of the aro community. what's important is acknowledging your own biases and hearing out the perspectives of others who differ from you, and not generalizing your own experiences/needs/perspectives to the community as a whole. we can create more subgroup-oriented spaces all we want, but at the end of the day we're still part of the same larger aro community and in order for that to work out the best thing we can do is just listen to each other. 

6.  Appropriate tagging has been brought up before, perhaps a reworked umbrella tag system? Again more neutral spaces; appropriate tagging for repulsion and aversion and on the other end acceptance of a variety of topics (i.e. some people will be talking about sex and that's good and healthy, as long as it's tagged there shouldn't be an issue with that); more specific and intersectional spaces; less verbal conflation of ace and aro though I think that's been getting better? Then again a big problem is the aroace split between two communities. I unfortunately do not have any ideas for that 

7.  Provide and Aro-specific online space similar to AVEN. 

8.  trying to give a more equal focus to different subgroups maybe? coming together and caring about those whose experiences are slightly different from ours and giving them a platform too. encouraging diversity 

9.  i'm not sure but it starts by making spaces outside of discourse. blogs like "aro-soulmate-project" are especially important to me because they address not only intra and outside community issues, but because they create aro identity at the same time people interact. 

10.  Idk put everything in the tag it belongs in (aroace content in aro, ace and aroace tags, general aro content in aro aroace and alloaro tags, and alloaro content in aro and alloaro tags, etc) and stop harassing each other. Groups might benefit from ace chat channels and allosexual chat channels? But idk if that's too divisive in some opinions 

11.  Group chats? More posts combining the communities? Spreading the love to everybody everywhere! 

12.  Open discussion 

13.  Since aro communities are extremely small and have been largely ignored-even by the a-spec community-it is up to the a-spec (yes, this includes alloaces) community to be more inclusive when making a-spec positive/information posts while also making more efforts to reblog diverse aro discourse so that aro people get a chance to speak. 

14.  Different tags/ smaller chatrooms. Probably tags people can follow or block 

15.  Better tagging systems, breaking down assumptions and not projecting one's one experience of identity onto everybody else who happens to be aro, creating sub-communities that are specifically suited for a specific subgroup's needs while still being united as the general aro community 

16.  On tumblr, proper tagging of content. 

17.  I think something that would actually help is like an aroace specific forum. We have arocalypse but that seems to be mostly alloaros and I want a forum where I can be aroace and not have to pick sides 

18.  Tag things accordingly 

19.  As I mentioned before, I'm not really involved in community discussions beyond reading about them, but coming up with a standard tagging system seems to be a start. 

20.  Often these needs have been met, though there could be a better job of say tagging 'romance' for repulsed aros and we need to open up space for both romo repulsed and positive to speak at the same time 

21.  I don't know. The internet is too big to manage. I think of the internet as more of many different spaces

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

1.  Represent everyone, let people speak, let people correct you, aim to make friends, remember that we're all under the A together.

2.  Same as above

3.  Stop generalizing and start being inclusive with language. There’s a big difference.

4.  Listen, if no one ever walks up to me and says "Hey, [name], you're ace right?" just because I told them I was aro and they forgot, I will be happy.

5.  i suppose the same rules apply. listening, providing spaces for subgroups to talk about specific issues, etc.

6.  Similar to previous answer, but spaces advertised as neutral or with multiple groups need to be more explicit in inclusion of a variety of experiences and topics. There are ways to manage this so everyone is in understanding and comfortable, namely just good communication (hence being explicit) and systems of feedback

7.  Queer spaces just need to be informed that the usual a-spec narrative is not the only one. But this will change as people share their experiences.

8.  more aro awareness alongside but also differentiated from ace awareness, and all this coupled with a focus on acceptance rather than identification

9.  A case by case basis? I guess? It'd depend on the scope of the space

10.  Booths at Pride recognizing the lesser known orientations. Doesn’t even have to be booths! Pins, stickers, t-shirts work just fine. Maybe a logo for a-spec, aro-spec, and aroace staying that we are all united.

11.  have info that includes all of us eg. pamphlets don't have the ace flag everywhere and acknowledge that their are aspecs who experience romantic or sexual attraction, and that not everyone uses the sam.

12.  I have only come across one aspec space in-person but it is in the form of a discussion group and everyone is allo ace so I feel extremely unwelcome. I wish there were more resources about aromanticism I could bring to these groups.

13.  For one: language is important. Renaming everything to a-spec meetups/groups instead of ace meetups/groups makes the other identity more welcomed and higher possibilities of growing the community. Again, there are more aces out there than aros at the moment, so it is up to those ace groups to make it more inclusive to all a-spec people. We're a community in this together wheter you feel a certain identity or not. That's what being Queer's all about.

14.  Create an aro-space first... Then events for sub-groups only where they can talk amongst themselves but also community events

15. Have a large variety of arospec spaces to choose from so that everyone can have their needs met

16.  Talk about all aspects, let people voice their experiences and find common ground

17.  I don't participate in in-person communities. Partly because I'm not out to more than just a few friends, and partly because I wouldn't want to go to one and be the stereotypical aroace. I feel both far too representative of both the aro and ace communities, and also not part of either. And thanks to the discourse, I'm not convinced I'd be welcome at a queer meetup at all. In addition, I've already mentioned before that just bringing up my experiences as either an ace or an aro tends to be a conversation-killer. So, I guess it rolls back around to visibility. Making others aware of our existence so that when aro experiences DO come up in in-person conversations, we can avoid the uncomfortable, awkward silences that follow. And I think that can only be done by talking about them.

18.  I'll eat my hat the day that I manage to find a sizable in-person space for aces or aros

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

1.  I believe this question is far too subjective to each instance that has and will pop up. Which is no help unfortunately.

2.  We accept that sometimes someone needs these needs and someone else needs other needs. Also we ask what people's needs are before we assume their needs.

3.  By talking out our issues civilly and talking about what bothers us so we can accommodate and adapt as needed if needed, and filter out people who just make the community toxic.

4.  Live and let live. Talk it out. Find a solution rather than growing increasingly angry. Literally anything that’s not cocooning away in indignation, we are supposed to be a community.

5.  i don't think our needs actually conflict, for the most part. with the exception of greyro/arospec folks needing space to talk about romance and romance repulsed folks needing to get away from it. but that can be solved by tagging things (at least in the case of online spaces). i think a lot of our perceived conflict comes from the conflation of different issues. for example, giving alloaros room to exist apart from asexuality and giving aroaces room to navigate that awkward space in between aren't inherently mutually exclusive. i recognize that striking that sort of balance is easier said than done, but i think if it were easy we wouldn't be having this discussion at all. we're a diverse population and our needs are ALWAYS going to differ. but we're also always going to overlap in a lot of ways, which is why the aro community exists to begin with.

6.  Imagine you have a spoiled child. You can do everything in your power to give them what they need. Do you think it will be ever enough? Oh, but what's worse, by concentrating on the spoiled child, you completely forgot you have a second one, starving in the corner.

7.  Give each person a choice in the language they use and don't force anyone into an identity/stereotype of aspec experience that doesn't fit. Just listen to people.

8.  By giving space for both and working out compromises or plans of action

9.  Definitely not fuckin argue for weeks and attack one another, discourse only fragments our tiny movement

10.  Set up a time for when allo aro can talk about their experience and the way their identities interact. This lets aroace choose whether they want to come or not. The usual meeting should be a time where any aroace, allo aro, and non-sam using aro can talk about being aro. Or for aros to just meet and interact.

11.  a group discussion where everyone can share their experiences but also safe spaces for aroaces / alloaces / nonsam aros /grayros to talk so ppl can discuss if someone hurt them or made them feel excluded in the group discussion and so they can talk about things that are specific to their smaller communities

12.  Open discussion and properly tagging things

13.  Aro people have been patient. Ace and ace-spec people need to recognize that their exclusive behaviors are mirroring the same horrible mentality that exclusionists in the LGBT+ have. Also recognize that ignoring (or consistently forgetting) the identity is a form of the excluding that identity in regards to posts that are suppose to be a-spec/Queer/LGBTIA+ positive/informative.

14.  Respect and communication, separate spaces when necessary

15.  Creating sub-communities that can prioritize a specific group's needs in that space while not conflicting with the general aro community.

16.  Idk like listen to eachother?

17.  The people who have a problem avoid? Idk

18.  honestly don't know. I absolutely understand the frustrations of alloaros getting ace posts in the aro tags, and I understand the frustrations of aroaces posting their experiences and being told those tags don't belong. I think the ace community as a whole needs to be made aware that the aro tag is not a dumping ground for ace-specific posts, and that if they want to include support and positivity and include the aro tag, then the post needs to INCLUDE US. I think a lot of frustration on all sides right now is that aromanticism comes off as asexuality's afterthought, and I don't think any of us as aros feel that way. I don't think we need a full break from the ace community, and I think we need to stop blaming aroaces when we make relevant posts to the aro tag, since I suspect quite a bit of this issue is from people who legitimately don't realize that aro tags are not the same as ace tags (i.e. ace positivity blogs that post something relevant to ace experiences and think they're being inclusive by "including" aros, because "we're all aspec, just swap out the 'sexual attraction' for 'romantic attraction'!"). But I, as an ace, am of the opinion that the ace community as a whole needs a solid kick in the pants to get them to work with us on cleaning up the tags and acknowledging that aros aren't just aces with a word swap, that we have our own significantly different concerns and ways to navigate the world that aces can't understand. But here's the problem, too. The ace community is one of the larger "aro" voices right now because the aro community is really quiet. Yes, we have our voices, but if you go looking for ace spaces, you find them. You find them in spades. You go looking for aro spaces? You have to dig. You almost have to know what you're looking for before you can find it. I see aros submitting asks on ace blogs, asking where to go to find aro-specific blogs, and there's always only a handful of suggestions. I think a lot of the reason aroaces seem so visible is because we -are- in the ace spaces, talking, and the ace spaces are big. The aromantic community's biggest priority right now is to grow and be heard.

19.  fuck idk tbh the most we can really do is post about it and hope people see and listen

[alloaroworlds]

I’ve gained more asexual followers on this blog in the last few weeks, and I do appreciate your willingness to engage more with allo-aro experiences and perspectives. I also appreciate your willingness to reblog and promote allo-aro experiences and perspectives, especially since it’s so much harder for allo-aro folks to get our words and works outside the aro-spec community bubble. Both those things mean a lot to me, and I am so grateful for your efforts here!

But I’d like to ask you one thing: please do not reblog any of my posts with comments how specific allo-aros and allo-aro experiences are similar to your experiences as an asexual or how society treats asexuals and asexuality. I’ve had to watch some of this take place while I’ve been in too much pain to respond to it, which has been frustrating and dispiriting.

Please don’t make my allo-aro content about your asexuality.

Other allo-aros may allow this; I’m not speaking for them or the whole community. I’m speaking for me and my comfort on my own blog. I’m also speaking in the context of an a-spec community culture where many aro-specs make posts about aromantic-specific circumstances only to find an asexual using that as a jumping-off space for asexual-specific conversations and activism. This is common--I am not the first and will not be the last aro-spec to write about this--and a good many of us are alienated by this behaviour.

This harms all aro-specs by centering asexuality even in aro-spec conversations. When this happens to non-asexual aro-specs, though, it means our experiences are being forcibly referred back to an identity that dominates a-spec communities, conversations and media--an identity that most allo-aros don’t possess. We’re already fighting to have our allosexual aromanticism respected and seen as legitimate from some asexual allies; how do you think it feels to have asexuals entering a non-asexual a-spec conversation to make it, yet again, about asexuality? This habit de-centres us as allo-aros even in our own content and on our own blogs and communities. Our activism, our works and our labour become divorced from the context of their inception.

Again, not all allo-aros will feel this way, but it is not unreasonable for any aro-spec (especially non-asexual aro-specs and allo-aros) to want asexuals to stop derailing non-asexual-inclusive aro-spec posts. It should be expected and normalised for ace-spec allies to inquire of aro-spec bloggers to find out their feelings on asexual-centred add-ons to non-asexual aro-spec content, as part of recognising the imbalance in current community dynamics and relationships. As part of recognising the way asexuality is more centred in a-spec spaces than aromanticism and, in the context of this post, allosexual aromanticism.

Sometimes this happens because our experiences are similar; sometimes this happens because asexuals think allo-aros don’t understand asexual community dynamics or history in our discussions about allo-aro erasure. Often it’s well-intended, meaning to educate, share or connect, but it de-centres allo-aros in allo-aro activist conversations just the same. Suddenly, the conversations we began aren’t about us, and when there’s still a comparative minimum of conversations about allo-aros in a-spec spaces, being pushed off to the side is damaging.

(I have so many asexuals pop up in my notes thinking to explain asexual community history to me in response to my posts about allo-aro inclusion or erasure. Please don’t do this! First, allo-aros are required to learn about asexual community history to learn about aromantic community history or the way its dynamics underpin aro-spec community dynamics and even allo-aro erasure.  This assumption that I don’t know only demonstrates your lack of understanding about the relationship allo-aros are forced to have with asexuality in order to exist as allo-aros. Second, you’re popping up on an allo-aro post as an asexual to talk about asexual community history. There’s a word for this: derailing.)

We don’t, historically, have a lot of space in the a-spec community for allo-aro-specific conversations. We don’t always feel safe or heard when we do speak. (I’m posting a story this month about an autistic allo-aro character on @aroworlds​ and I constantly have my heart in my mouth over depicting and discussing my character’s sexual attraction and setting this story in a context centering sexual attraction and experiences. An allo-aro posting to hir own aro creative media blog--an aro blog, not an a-spec, aro-ace or ace blog--should not be afraid of being “too sexual”, but I am.) We’re trying to give voice to feelings and experiences that have long been pushed under the rug, often at risk of earning ire and rejection from our ace-spec, a-spec and even other aro-spec kin. And, over the last couple of months, non-asexual aro-specs and allo-aros have earnt an increasing amount of hate and disregard from our own fellow a-specs just for voicing our frustration and erasure. I have; I know other allo-aros who have.

So when our own posts are derailed to become conversations about asexuality, it hurts. I know that most of the time you don’t mean to hurt me, that your intent is to enlighten or educate, but I am hurting every time I see myself sidelined in my own posts. I am hurting because I am sidelined and afraid in other ways in a-spec spaces. I am hurting because I am putting effort into creating and collating content that is separated, repeatedly, from its context and purpose. I am hurting because it’s reinforcing the message that I only matter when asexuals can relate to my work. And it is not okay that my notifications are hurting me this way.

I do not consent to my asexual allies reblogging my allo-aro-specific content with asexual activist conversations and additions.

Please don’t derail my allo-aro posts with asexual activist discussions about asexuality, the asexual community, asexual experiences and asexual history. I do need the allyhood you’re offering, but changing the topic of my conversations is not helping me feel heard and supported.