#i wrote this in one sitting help

[jade-of-mourning]

sooooo I’ve recently stopped being dead to the world

I had to backtrack and reread down to your answer to my last ask (which,,, thoughts,, when you manage to beat them into submission pls pls pls pls share everything) because I haven’t touched tumblr in a hot second but then I saw your post about lok s1 (and specifically s1 korra) and,,,

okay so this is me and my dumb hyperfixation talking but how do you think the rest of tlok would’ve gone if makorra wasn’t ruined. like just in general, what do you think would’ve changed?? if anything??

keeping this short but like. brain worms are munching. cuz the way their characters developed and how they each influenced each other. how would that have ended like. romantically. like what if korra burned bright and bright and bright and offered her soul and her strength and every one of her fingernails in love and mako bit his lip hard enough to offer blood in a kiss. what if they were a little bit insane by the end of everything.

sorry that doesn’t make any sense!

love

🐌

hey snailon!!! i've missed you <3 i've been hella busy myself (cough i have four ap tests in a row next week) but it's always lovely to see you around haha

hmm there are definitely a fair share of really well written meta regarding a not-slanderized makorra, but i don't really have any specific links on me rn. i'll just give you my sparknotes version of what i'd imagine, which might end up combined with stuff i've read from other people that i don't remember reading

i'd probably postpone them more than the series did — which, granted, they did write it with one season in mind, so i'll give them that. (i would argue that it's still a valid explanation for certain writing choices, because even though the books were commissioned before the release of their predecessors, it's not like the writers get to just rewrite the ending spontaneously bc episodes aren't constructed chronologically lol) okay ignoring that tangent

i'm okay with the love triangle in season 1 as it is because even though it's insane, it also checks out on all parts for korra, asami, and mako in terms of backstory and personality at this point in the story. korra is socially unaware because she never interacted with people her age or really Society, asami is desperately lonely and values good intent above all else, and mako is also impressively socially stunted and has the pressure of financial concerns as well. (if it were up to me, i would either just commit to korrasami or makorra from the start and add in the third if going in the throuple direction. i'm going off on a tangent again)

i have conflicting feelings about endgame. on one hand, makorra is so full circle by concluding the way they do here — mako's first encounter with korra he treats her like he doesn't give a shit that she's the avatar, the first person to ever do so; yet, by the end when korra's absolutely devastated and believes her only value was as the avatar, mako tells her straight up that he doesn't care if she's the avatar or not, as he has all along. it's genuinely so cute and i could honestly write so many more words about it than i did. but at the same time, i just would like to think that after the shitshow love triangle, they would put off getting together, perhaps as an overcompensation upon recognizing how they hurt asami.

since the latter route is the au i've decided to follow, so be it. in endgame, korra and mako still have their full circle moment and spinny-hug, but instead of kissing in front of naga they just longingly pine into one another's eyes. excessively so the viewers know. okay cut

season 2 they are rekindling their friendships with asami and asami is tired of watching them dance around their feelings for one another and also maybe pining just a little bit for korra but huh what. i would actually have to rewrite the entirety of lok to shift s2 into a readable mess. korra is still amazing as always and saves the world as always. oh also throw in some korrasami with the family betrayal theme. yeah i don't want to think too hard about this

see the struggle is that i love krew!friendship in season 3 so much but at the same time i feel like end of season 2 is the perfect time for a makorra get-together instead of a makorra breakup, seeing that korra has literally changed the entire world all by herself because she is so amazing. so alas, we'll go with end of season 2. mako no longer lives under his desk to hide from korrasami and in the two weeks between s2 and s3 they are done with their honeymoon phase so they'll just be as they are through s3 tbh. honestly there was so much makorra shipteasing throughout canon s3 that i don't really think there'd need to be too much rewriting. they're still the level-head/kick-the-door-down-subtlety duo within the krew dynamics and they're still clearly very important to each other specifically. the makorra hug before korra goes up to face zaheer might be drawn out even more and maybe something sweet couples say idk. (i have so much rizz i know wht i'm saying)

korra gets even more trauma for a lifetime (again), and three years pass. korra writes to asami once as in canon because by the time she feels human enough to pick up a pen, she doesn't even know how to talk to mako, let alone try to address the guilt of ignoring the guy who devoted himself to her so thoroughly. asami understands what it is to lose. mako (& bolin) has lost more than anyone else once perhaps but i think that the trauma repression means that that was never processed and he would be terrible to talk to about any of this. he's been there, but he doesn't understand it, if that makes sense.

okay so korra comes back, makorrasami dinner (ig the shitling that canon wu is is there also), makorrasami train fight, then we have remembrances and beyond the wilds — y'know, the korrasami/makorra episodes respectively. korra is now experiencing feelings for both of them Oh Fuck. by default i would say that masami has been hooking up through these three years but since makorra was a thing through s3 then i retract that; however, their friendship has rekindled very deeply as the only two members of the krew left in the city. and mako & korra have not discussed what they were or what they want to be at all, just been adamantly dancing around the subject.

blah blah kuvira blah blah city blows up then the wedding then bam!!!! mako's love confession to korra is actually a love confession to korra (wdym "i'll follow you into battle no matter how crazy things get; i've got your back and i always will" ISN'T a confession of love). korra is joined by both mako and asami after tenzin leaves, asami grieves, and the three of them have a moment together that has very heavy implications for throuple-ism. then bolin pulls up very devastated that he has missed the final krew party. cue the laughter, cue korra's final delivery of "i'll always try to restore balance" bc it should've been here instead as the three of them stare at the changed city before them, and cut.

(yes krew should've had the final scene together. i've said it before that i don't think korrasami was particularly well written, but i still like them and the ending is still very sweet. however, i hate that they completely disregarded the rest of the cast for the final episode instead of giving them a scene together, even if not the very last one, bc of how that translated over into the entire fandom… i mean what. and the spirit world vacation is a sweet sentiment but also i feel that korra would never immediately go leave on a vacation immediately after everything that just happened and her declarations of duty. i don't think i articulated that very well. but yes.)

[add1ctedt0you]

What a plot twist you were. [x]

[willowser]

the idea of ua teacher bakugou honestly makes me so sad, because you have to consider the possibility of him not making it to the end as a hero which !! is heart-breaking !!

but at the same time — there is something really cathartic i think about him growing up and growing out of measuring his worth by being number one, by being the best. and i like to think of him as a grumpy professor !! a bit like aizawa !! or him keeping a close eye on the shy, quiet students, watching out for them and always there to bully them (affectionate) along their path . or for him to be an all might to someone, a young kid that looked up to dynamight in his hay-day, now getting to follow directly under his lead.

[demonictumble]

fic rec list (1/??? )

this is a fic recommendation list for whomever wants a good read. All of these are on AO3. I have not provided links, so just search them up!

If you do end up reading any of these, or really any fic in general, remember to leave the author comments!! They deserve them, esp because they do this for free and they deserve to know how beautiful their writing is and how appreciated they are.

My PSA: COMMENT ON FICS AND DONT TAKE AUTHORS FOR GRANTED

DC..

IMPORTANT NOTE I am not a religious fan where I only like a fic when it adheres to canon characterization or texts. I can enjoy fics even when they completely throw off what's actually canon and that's okay for me, but it might not be for you. So just keep this in mind and the back button exists for a reason if you don't like something.

Buy Back the Secrets by Sundiscus (incomplete)

Tim Drake and Kon El centered!! OH MY GODS. I could rave on and on about this fic all day but I'll have to keep it brief. I've reread at LEAST 5 times. It's brilliant. The writing, the plot, the characterizations!! They are incredible. If I had to use a phrase to describe it, it would be "identity shenanigans and timkon" but that simplifies the absolute masterpiece that it is SO MUCH

Executive Assistant to the Batman by heartslogos (complete)

Tim is basically Bruce Wayne's assistant and is desperately trying to avoid letting them know that he knows. This is complete crack, but it is hilarious. The writing is so funny and It's what I need after a bad day or anything tbh. It may not be completely true to characters or whatever, but it makes up for it a thousand times over in spirit and the laughs it's produced from me.

anything (not the title because literally ANYTHING) by IzzyMRDB

I can rave about them all day because the dc/batfam fics I have seen them right are all so delicious and I devoured them far too fast and momggg its just so good. and I love their writing style <3

Reverse Robin AU by yellow_cabellero (complete)

I CANNOT DO THIS SERIES JUSTICE WITH MY WORDS. IT is a must read for me. The writer writes spectacularly and the characterization, even though its a reverse robin, feels on point, especially considering the circumstances (Im a huge believer in circumstances shape a person's personality, which is what I think occurs beautifully in all of these fics). They're just so GOOD.

Also this author has a STEPH FIC that is stunning. 10/10. Steph is a character that doesn't get the appreciation she deserves, so this fic was especially more touching for me. It was terrific seeing her girl bossing in the 90s (IT ALSO FELT SO PERIOD ACCURATE CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT). Not to mention, the author shows off character flaws in a believable manner and nobody is a Mary Sue and it's just EVERYUTHING IS JUST *chefs kiss* by them.

The Fishbowl by LordLuxury (complete)

This is Dick Grayson centered. THEY HAVE MADE A MASTERPIECE. I genuinely mean it. Dick is constantly trying to pull the family together, he is trying to be the glue as everything tries to go the opposite. LET THIS MAN HAVE HIS FAMILY. This had me in shambles. Bad Dad Bruce hurt me, but it was just so realistic. That's what gets me. The whole dynamics portrayed in The Fishbowl are so goddamn realistic and it feels so real. Everyone is flawed in their own way and its just... PLEASE READ IT I BEG OF YOU.

Love and Bruises by Acin_Grayson and Hoebiwan (complete)

Despite what the title may suggest, this is actually funny! Jason thinks Batman is abusing Bruce. And I just remember dying of laughter as I read this. Terrific! Would read and Will read again

Marvel (I am a movies fan so most if not all fics I recommend from here on out will be probably based on movies!)

Tennessee Outreach for Spider-Man and Friends by ciaconna

GREAT FIC. Harley (potato gun kid in one of the iron man movies for those who don't remember) gets an internship with Tony stark for college application reasons and its to help Spiderman. Peter Parker and Harley whateverhislastname is such a funny duo and they made the fic spectacular. Terrific writing omg.

Peter and the Jailbirds by beautifullights

I THINK THIS FIC HURT ME. I don't really remember much bc its been a year and a half, but I think my emotions remember because I feel mildly sad when I think about it. Peter is on the raft and bonds with the ex-avengers also on the raft. The premise of a teenager possibly spending the rest of his life in prison is terrible, but I swear this fic has funny moments and the conversations that occur are to die for because the WRITING. WHEW.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? by theskeptileptic

Tony survives and it's set after No Way Home. Where I'm pretty sure the only people dead are May and Pepper. Morgan saves the day by remembering her big brother (Im a sucker for big brother Peter arc). Peter is kind of a mini Tony in this one I think, which is such an interesting take. And it's such a coming home story and its just so beautiful.

Cross Overs:

Even Heroes Have the Right To Dream by Bounemr (complete)

mlb/dc crossover!! where marinate and Jon are retired superhero and go to college together! Great writing and plot with a good ending. Fluffy for the most part as far I as I can remember (it's been a year since I've read it so you know it's good if I can still remember)

Hired Hands by neighborhood_yogurt (incomplete)

Percy Jackson/ DC crossover!! It's been a while since I've read this one too but It's stuck with me. It's hilarious and I need to reread it but Percy is accidentally on Penguin's payroll because he's just a dumb blonde at heart, but it's okay we all love him. And Shenanigans occur. I don't remember exactly what happens so reminder to read this again for myself as well!

(IDK if any of these authors have tumblrs, if they do, someone please tag them and I will forever be in your debt)

[fluffypotatey]

*puts on my Professor glasses* Macky really knows EXACTLY how to talk to Wukong, let's dissect it! M: Looks like things are going smoothly. W: I say, you've been here the whole time, haven't you? M: FFM is your home, but it's also mine. W: Did you find anything? M: Still nothing, however. Now the Jade Emperor is no longer present. The Celestial Realm already gives me an unsettling feeling. M: Wukong...that kid. W: I understand. M: You have to go and talk to him. W: I know! But...he still isn't ready. M: I see. You're the one who isn't ready, yet. How did you even become a teacher! M: He has to be. We all have to be realistic. W: He's just a kid. We can't let him... M: Who says he's just a kid! Why is it him? When you chose him, did you know? W: I didn't know, I really didn't know! I just followed...a feeling. M: Are you not the least bit worried?! This child has all of your special powers, and he always runs into trouble. Have you never questioned this before? Not a single person knows where he came from. Is it not strange?! M: We still have no clue as to whoever let out Azure Lion. All your old foes returned in one swoop. Are you not even a little- W: Then what about you? You also suddenly came back. M: Argh- M: I say, someone must be manipulating us behind our backs. Especially Xiaotian. But they still haven't succeeded. W: Then tell me. What about you? M: Tell me do you want my help or not?! / W: Not long ago you were still against me! / M: I see, you're just a- / W: ...after I assume you'll teach me how to train my own disciples? ~ Xiaotian Interupts ~ M: Look. That kid has made you his idol. You're his one true hero, but you... W: But I what? M: He has to understand, he doesn't need to carry these burdens. You have to do better. You can really tell whose the chatty one in this relationship XD Wukong might be a lil annoyed, but he's tolerant. And Macky is a little playful turd as always. Where Wukong gets gloomy and concerned, Mac swaps between teasing and serious in a blink. Then things get a lot more strained and tense, but unlike their previous fights, it never escalates into violence. Never a growl, never a raised fist. They're right at the edge, and they drop it. I'm very much interested in the psychology of arguments and when it comes to people latching onto (1) thing a person says and relating it slightly off topic to avoid talking about that other thing, like Wukong is doing here. It's so cool seeing how physical they are in trying to visibly control their emotions around each other, and how they keep trying to hold themselves back from tearing in further, always pausing and halting, and switching to another thing. They're TRYING. Ugh. I think Mac was trying to give a comforting smile at the end, but it's kinda warped by the whole ~ everything else. ~ Anyhow, I like how this starts with Wukong establishing, or rather cementing to Macaque that he believes MK is a kid. And while Macaque argues against that, he did also say before that Wukong should talk to him. And they have their squabble, with Mac pushing Wukong's buttons to get him to say something, BUT the fact this gets resolved with he needs to understand he doesn't need to carry these burdens. YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER. Like of all things Mac could have chosen. He's playing right into what Wukong himself believes, that will overwrite the "MK isn't ready" thing. Because let's face it. Mac is right when he says Wukong also isn't ready for that talk yet. He's so down throughout all this, Wukong probably feels himself that he needs to be better. AND by appealing to the fact MK is a kid, without explicitly stating that, just a statement that cannot be denied, BUT is a subject that undoubtedly, even Wukong cannot avoid. Because he wants better for MK. For him to not walk down the same path as him. Macaque has basically nudged Wukong into having that talk he wanted with MK by reframing it differently from what Wukong wasn't ready for. Thoughts? Critique?

*squishes you* anon…anon, you’re telling me..that this was the actual dialogue between SWK and Macky in 5x01. that what i just read is the translated version of the Mandarin dub. correct?

ok ok cool. i’m cool. gucci. feeling fantastic lemme just

WHAT THE FUCK LMK

ok so i ranted in the tags but realized i forgot to say more things (also i was worried i’d exceed the tag limit bc that is a real thing what do you know!)

so, anon, you said Macky knows how to talk to Wukong and yeah agreed but for me it’s for of the sense of “Macky knows how to get his words under Wukong’s skin”

he knows how to let his words sink in and fester in Wukong’s mind, making him reconsider things or another to help speed up certain decisions or choices Wukong is hesitating on. and ain’t it fascinating how despite how long it’s been since either character have talked or interacted with each other, they still know the ins and outs of their behavior and thoughts.

Macky knows Wukong needs to talk to MK but is holding back. Macky after one answer from Wukong realizes that it’s Wukong who isn’t ready for that conversation and switches tactics to try and breach that mental block

Wukong, in a need to avoid the conversation, brings up the questions surrounding Macky’s reason for even being alive again because that is information neither have talked about and oh hey! Macky is avoiding that conversation too! and it’s an important one to have so he pushes for it, but Macky knows it’s being pushed to avoid their original discussion and is annoyed bc “classic Wukong, never wanting to delve too deep into topics where he’ll need to be vulnerable for” (especially when said vulnerability is with his newly re-allied ex friend Macaroni himself)

god i love them

[daryfromthefuture]

some post-trilogy angst for you

Rating: G Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Words: 4,009 Relationships: Emmett "Doc" Brown & Marty McFly, Emmett "Doc" Brown/Clara Clayton Characters: Emmett "Doc" Brown, Marty McFly, Clara Clayton, Jules Brown, Verne Brown Additional Tags: Friendship, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Arguments, post-trilogy

[alicethemadhatterapprentice]

From the Specter!Carlo AU of ash-arts-a-thing, I present to you another snipper from my the brainrot happening H24 in my brain!

Thank you @ashes8338 for the AU and @miss-chouquettes for listening to my ramblings and giving so many awesome ideas!!!

Not really angst ? But some Carlo introspection happening, as he follows P around Krat. This takes place before they fight the King of Puppet, probably ? 

No beta we die like Carlo. Enjoy !

Carlo was going to kill his father.

It didn’t matter that he was technically a ghost following the puppet made in his image by said father around. He was going to fucking kill that piece of shit of a human being. 

He had been following Pinocchio for a while now, and was - as much as he didn’t want to admit it- growing fond of the kid. But also so very concerned. 

This boy - he couldn’t refer to him as a puppet anymore, not in good conscience- was growing, changing, and refusing.to.take.a.bloody.break.

Even the cricket was getting concerned !! And wasn’t that absurd ??

But no, Pinnochio was running himself ragged, running around Krat, beating things twice his size, being thrown around, and refusing to stay down. In a sense, Carlo could admire the spirit. Kid had a true Stalker’s soul. 

Carlo also had enough brain cells (if he still had them? He was dead after all, so who knew.He was trying not to ponder about his condition too much, it usually made him panic.) to know the kid was heading straight into burnout, fast. 

All that because their dear old dad wanted him to be a “good son”, telling him how “proud” he was, and that he needed to hurry. Carlo could see how fake Geppeto was being. But Pinocchio ? Who didn’t know any better ? He didn’t ! 

The poor sod actually thought their (when had it become their ? When did Carlo start to consider Pinocchio a member of his family ? A brother almost ? He didn’t know) pathetic poor excuse of a father was being genuine !! 

So, Carlo was going to find a way, even in his dead-but-not-really state, to kill his dad, and make sure the fucker’s ergo was split in so many parts that there would be no chance ever of it awakening again. Cause fuck him. 

It hurt, seeing his - damn it he had to admit it, at least to himself- younger brother running around in pain, exhausted, because he refused to sit down and take a break.  

He wished Romeo was still around. Maybe he could help in the “Hey, let’s murder my dad before he kills my brother in an attempt to resuscitate me” plan Carlo was thinking about.

He had to figure something out, but his only moments when he was solid where usually after his brother used a meteor fragment, and that usually meant being focused on fighting some monster way too fucking big. And he couldn't exactly leave and abandon the kid to a fate worse than death and break the trust Pinnochio had in him, now could he?? 

He sighed, before catching up to Pinnochio. They were about to enter the Opera…well that was bound to be interesting. 

[selunesfavouriteprincess]

okay but it’s like. if Lae’zel was in the modern day she’d be the top of all her classes (beating Gale who would be so fucking mad about it), on every sports team, head of the prom committee, just constant after-school activities, total overachiever, and she will not accept being second place to anybody. meanwhile Karlach is on every sports team but she doesn’t really want to be, she just wants to do sport for fun and hang out with her friends, but the head of P.E. made her join because she’s good at it. unfortunately getting mad about it makes her compete better. Shadowheart grew up in a weird church and was definitely homeschooled for most of her life and is only in a mainstream school for sixth form because her weird church want her to recruit new members (she sucks at convincing people the church is good). sometimes she says fucking insane things totally seriously and everyone in the class goes what the fuck. Wyll is a very nice empathetic boy who tries to get along with everyone including Shadowheart even though she roleplays warrior cats at lunchtime and Lae’zel even though she threatens to murder him if he gets a higher grade in the debate than her, and it blindsides everyone when they find out his dad is the Head Teacher. Gale would be taking five A-Levels instead of three or four solely for the academic clout it brings him. Astarion should have graduated ten years ago and nobody knows why he’s still here. Withers is the school nurse.

[kimjunnoodle]

there’s a sacred bond between the nice teacher and the weird kid who hands out in their classroom

[akkivee]

and since i’m kinda on the topic of kuukou’s origin, i’ve mentioned on here stage kuukou’s writing has always rubbed me the wrong way, but since i hated that about myself, i was trying to come around to liking him lol. tragically nelke rebooted the thing before i got to put it in practice, but i had been toying with the idea that the way stage kuukou is is bc that’s kuukou’s true origin

like stage kuukou was callous towards everyone really lol, others were too bogged down by their situations and didn’t have the means/strength to get out of it and he wanted nothing to do with it. it contradicts what he’s been shown to do in canon; unami refusing to acknowledge she needs help but he wanted to do help her anyway, coaxing out permission to save a hostess bc she was in trouble and he wanted to help. whereas stage kuukou saw haru wanting to help his family but wound up being scammed and didn’t want to help him at all, saying why should he help when haru’s clearly given up on himself lol

for all it is contradictory, it does fall in line with two situations in canon actually. in the dhbat manga, kuukou beats up and thoroughly charms his merry gay band of thugs, and they want to be like him so they ask him how should they clean themselves up. kuukou brushes them off like how tf should he know lmao, but there’s kuukou kinda being a little callous towards them. and then he was also initially dismissive towards jyushi, primarily bc he was being forced into it lmao, but he did sit thru hitoya explaining to shakku why jyushi needs the training in the first place and still wanted to refuse lol

so i’ve been thinking, maybe kuukou before we see him at 14 ready to drop everything to help ren, was a lot more dismissive of the human struggle and may have paid a heavy price that changed his mentality about it 🤔

[unnamed-atlas]

Finally finished sweet tooth s3. Having incredibly mixed feelings

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

[altruistic-meme]

the desire to write is AGGRESSIVE but the mind is unwilling

[hay-389]

Jim knew his wife all too well to know when she said everything was fine, there was definitely something wrong. He could hear it in the way her voice raised an octave, almost as if trying to sound a bit more cheerful, and he could see it in the way her shoulders tensed up and her head shot up every now and again. She thought she was fooling him but Jim could see straight through her act; in fact, he always could. They’ve been married for 15 years now, and in all that time, especially after having 2 children who can both do what their mother can, Jim knows the telltale signs that there is a ghost around who his wife just can’t seem to let go. He smiled, placing his used napkin down on his finished plate.

“Okay Mel, where is he...or she?”

Melinda looked startled, knowing all too well he would catch on sooner or later. “I don’t know what you're talking about.”

Still, she dances around the subject. Jim didn’t quite understand why as she always told him when he asked. “Come on Melinda, I know there’s one around. Why won’t you tell me?”

She sighed, looking back in the direction she had been glancing at all dinner. To her left sat a couple that looked to be a bit older than Jim and herself and in between them on each side sat two kids, a young boy and a teenage girl. It looked like they were celebrating something special with the gift bags that sat neatly tucked under the table near the older woman.

“There’s kids with him.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

Melinda turned back and smiled at him. “No Jim, I don’t mean those kids.”

“Oh, the kind I can’t see.”

“Yeah, there’s a young girl, maybe 7 or 8, and a boy who looks to be a couple years older than her. I’m sorry, I tried to ignore them throughout dinner but they just seem so...sad.”

She risked one more glance over and the spirits still stood on each side of the man of whom had no clue they existed, and continued to happily chat away with his family. The little girl who had her hand on the back of the man’s chair looked up and noticed Melinda staring over and smiled, instantly reminding her of her own little girl at home. Feeling just a bit sadder than before Melinda went to face her husband again before her eyes narrowed at something that had yet to make itself known, goosebumps running down her arms, and an undeniable feeling of pure anger sweeping over her.

A woman appeared behind the man causing the two children to disappear. She looked...bad. Her entire body was adorned in burn marks. Melinda swears she could see the flames licking at the woman’s skin until it melted and left nothing but a bloodied mess behind and it made her want to throw up. The hospital gown didn’t help either, as it seemed more red than white. The lady stared at him as if there was nothing more she would like to do than make him join her at that very moment. Her hand raised from her side and she flicked her finger, causing his glass of soda to knock over and spill into his lap. The man rushed to get up, dabbing his pants with his cloth napkin. The woman looked pleased with herself, smiling.

Then her head slowly turned towards Melinda, that smile dropping, and blinked from behind the man to right behind Jim. Her words were more haunting than her presence.

“He killed us. He killed us all.”

And just like that, she was gone.

“Melinda, what happened?”

She sighed, throwing her own napkin down onto her plate. “I think things just got a little more complicated.”

[briar--rising]

Extensive non-graphic discussion of suicide (I'm fine, I'm not suicidal, don't worry). Also lots of maternal enmeshment talk

Therapy today was rough. I'm doing so much better in so many ways, but that doesn't mean the trauma is gone lol. I do so well in early spring, and then May and June comes and I can taste death in the air. I won't let it pull me under this year, I refuse to spiral into long-lasting psychosis and lose my progress until next February again. But it's still difficult.

My mother is. Fucked up. Obviously. But something that I realized in today's session was that her dream scenario is still the two of us committing suicide together in the end. And that's. Well. It feels bad.

A few weeks ago she brought up again how she wants to commit suicide when she gets very old/sick, or if the world goes to a very bad place. And the reason she insists on bringing this up with me is that she's very clear that it will be my responsibility to make sure she gets the assisted suicide she wants someday. Basically, asking me to kill her one day. And today was the anniversary of my uncle's suicide, and in about a month it will be the anniversary of my mom's suicide attempt when I was 11, and so it's all just...been on my mind. And we talked today in therapy about how the fact that my mom attempted suicide shortly before my birthday was especially damaging for me, and how basically being the one to find her that day but then not being allowed to see her for a while in the hospital once she woke up was deeply traumatic. And it's all just. Tangled together in my head.

I've known for years that I'll be in charge of making sure my mom gets the assisted suicide she wants, she's made that very clear to me. And I do not want that responsibility, but I just always knew/assumed it would be my job. And I was talking about that with my therapist today and she was like "I think it would be very dangerous for you to do that. You will always have a tendency towards psychosis, and there is already so much tangled up in you and your mother and annihilation and death and loss of self, and I do not think it will ever be safe for you to help her with that." And I realized she was right, but it literally hadn't occurred to me that I was allowed to not be the one to help with that? But like. I don't have to. A friend of hers can do it. My brother can do it. Someone, anyone who isn't me can help her find a doctor and get what she needs someday. I do not have to kill my mother. I do not have to kill myself.

Because I know in her dream scenario we'd do it together, and/or my doing it for her would push me to do it to myself. First of all, she's literally suggested it before. Second of all, she cannot cope with or even begin to comprehend the fact that I am separate from her and that I would dare to live without her. We were talking today about how my mom's relationship feels almost parasitic, like she's drawing on me to sustain herself, and how I was worried that by cutting her off and having increasing boundaries I was hurting her by taking away her access to her life force. And my therapist was like, "No, because those boundaries are real for you, but not for her. Consciously she sort of accepts them, but in her mind you are still completely enmeshed. What do you think would happen if you asked to move back in with her?" And I was like, "She'd be thrilled, she'd start working towards it immediately." And she was like, "Exactly. If she was developing the type of boundaries you are, she would have reservations about her adult child moving back in. But she doesn't have any of those boundaries, and still believes and feels you to be as close as you were, so you're not hurting her by having those boundaries internally, because she will never be able to share them or even truly understand that you have them." So that was helpful, if disturbing in its own way. Bc it also made me realize how deeply enmeshed we still are on her end, and how clear it is from that and from several things she's said over the years including quite recently that she wants us to kill ourselves together someday.

But I won't. I refuse. When she wants to die she can find someone else to help her manage it, and I will not be joining her. I will not let her annihilate me in life or death.

[cas-coding]

he must have eaten something bad, pain blooming in his stomach, soft enough to ignore, but large enough to make him grit his teeth. dean's eggs were sometimes a little on the raw side, but jack didn't mind, he sometimes liked the watery feel, even if sam said it was bad for him now that his grace had faded.

it was fine, he would be fine. jack just wasn't used to pain, that's all, that must be it. his dads had told him it might be a rough transition, cas especially, having done it a couple times. pain was always worse when you had never felt it before.

nausea bubbles up in jack's stomach, making his surroundings spin a bit before he gets the general message that he should get to a toilet or something a little easier to clean vomit off of than the cold cement that was the kitchen floor. he barely makes it to the toilet in time, kneeling on the cold tile, feeling like a knife had carved sigils into his abdomen. this couldn't be normal, could it?

it's another minute before jack wipes his mouth and flushes the toilet, his nausea having worn off for now as he unbuttons his jeans to take pressure off of his stomach. why did it hurt so bad? what was wrong with him? his hands are shaking, massaging his stomach as if that will do something, calling out for help in a wrecked voice that cracks every other word.

he hears footsteps in response and then he's stumbling to stand up, his eyes catching on red. red blood smeared on the tile where he was just sitting, panic flashing through his entire being. he rushes to check his jeans, see where his injury is, pulling them off and finding them bloodstained, his boxers ruined underneath them, and then he's screaming, shouting for help, footsteps growing more frantic.

sam makes it to him first, taking one look at jack's sobbing figure before wrapping him in his arms and pressing jack's face to his chest. "what happened?" sam asks, his voice shaking from the adrenaline, "where does it hurt?"

"my stomach," jack cries, "and i'm bleeding and i threw up and my stomach hurts so bad, please,"

sam nods frantically and pulls back, holding his hand out. "tell me where it hurts, okay?" he places his hand over jack's stomach, right below his ribs, but jack shakes his head.

"lower," he mumbles, "it hurts in my belly."

sam just nods and lowers his hand over jack's belly button, but jack shakes his head, and sam moves his hand lower, cradling the spot just above jack's waistband. jack nods harshly and sam's eyes flick downward for just a second before he sighs and wraps jack in another hug.

"you're gonna be alright, jack, i promise," sam says, "this is, well, it's normal. plenty normal. it hurts but we'll all help, we'll figure something out. you'll be alright in a week." sam reaches for his phone, dialing dean before he pulls back from the hug and stands up, walking just outside the bathroom.

jack only catches every other word being muttered, something about blood and cramps and i thought his grace would stop it? before groaning and snapping at dean, "just get pain meds and pads, will you?"

when sam bends back down to help jack, he's calmer, more collected, but how could he be when jack was in pain, bleeding out?

"sam, it hurts," jack groans, "make it stop, please make it stop."

sam pauses at that, his eyes fixed on jack before looking away. he picks up jack's bloody jeans and throws them into the bathroom sink before he speaks again, still not looking at jack. "dean's getting supplies now. i'm sorry, jack, i'm really sorry this is happening, but we'll explain later, i promise you're gonna be alright. you just have to trust me," he says, but how can jack trust him if he won't tell him what's going on?

it takes a couple minutes for sam to coax jack off the bathroom floor and into a warm bath, looking away as jack climbs into the bath and sighs in relief. he lets jack rest, attempting to scrub the bloodstains out of jack's jeans and boxers, but abandoning it after a few minutes.

there's a knock on the door and dean cranes his head in, waving to jack gingerly before whispering something unintelligible to sam. he sets a box down on the counter, big purple letters spelling out maxi-pads, count 24, and then sam is leaving the room, taking jack's ruined clothes with him.

"hey, jack," dean says, an olive branch, "how're you doing?"

he can't speak, he's exhausted, he doesn't know what's going on, and so he sighs, trying to convey everything bubbling up inside of him with just one sound.

dean laughs. "sounds about right. so, uh, sammy's gonna grab you some new clothes and then we're gonna have a chat. it's gonna be different, somethin' we didn't think we'd have to talk about for a while with you, but hey, life is a bit unexpected," dean chuckles uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at jack. he rubs the back of his neck and sighs, "y'know, i know what you're going through, bud. i've had 'em before, hurts like a bitch, and i'm real sorry it's happening to you. cas said," dean pauses, "well, cas has said a lotta stuff about you."

jack swallows thickly, turning his head to look at dean. the water in the bathtub moves around him, little waves crashing against his neck, barely above the warm water. "he told you?" jack asks, tears welling in his eyes. he's so tired, he just wants to go to sleep, never wake up, he's exhausted,

"no," dean admits, "but i kinda figured about fifteen minutes ago when sammy called me outta the blue sayin' we needed pads. haven't bought those since 2007," he laughs, but it's not funny.

"what are those?"

dean's silent.

"what have they got to do with you and me?" jack rephrases, and dean exhales heavily.

"you want me to explain it? it's gonna be uncomfortable, i'm guessin', you sure you don't want sam or cas to explain it to you?" there's a hurt in dean's eyes for a second, but jack nods and it dissipates, newfound commitment showing instead. "well, if it's gonna be me, i should explain something.

"i ripped up my birth certificate when i was thirteen. y'know, the piece of paper that says your legal name and that you exist and if you're a boy or a girl. well, the one i ripped up said my name was deanna. said i was a girl."

jack furrows his eyebrows. "but that's wrong. your name is dean. sam calls you dean, so does cas. and, and you're a boy, you're sam's brother," jack says, and dean laughs.

"yeah, they do call me dean, and i am sam's brother," he says, "you're right about that. but there's this thing, transgender, which basically means that i was born with girly bits but i'm a boy 'cause i say so. and i was workin' on bein' a real boy, pumping myself full of testosterone when i died and cas rebuilt me. gave me boy parts an' all."

"girly bits?" jack repeats, clearly confused, "boy parts?"

"well," dean says, looking away, "there's your mom. she's a girl. and there's eileen, also a girl. they've got, y'know," dean gestures to his chest, "boobs, tits, breasts, whatever you wanna call 'em. point is, they've also got, ah," dean stutters, "vaginas. things that make babies. that's how your mom made you.

"then there's boys like sam. they get real tall and have big muscles and jawlines and shit," he continues, "they don't usually have vaginas. they have dicks, er, penises, i mean. they can't have babies, they just kinda," dean stutters, "they have the instructions for making babies. they help girls make them."

"oh," jack says, "i don't get it. you're a boy, so how did they confuse you for a girl?"

sighing, dean rubs his hands up and down his face. "well, like i said, i was born with girly bits. had a girly name and everything. but i didn't feel like a girl, and i told sammy, and he started callin' me dean, sayin' i was his brother. felt right, good, and then i wanted to look like a boy. cas rebuilt my body, did he tell you about that?" dean pauses before shaking his head, continuing, "well, when he did, he gave me boy parts instead of the girl parts i used to have. so when i was born, i was supposed to be a mom, carry babies, and now i have the instructions for makin' 'em, but i was a boy before that, you understand that?"

jack nods. "yeah, i get that. like, if i called sam something not-sam, he'd be confused, 'cause he likes being called sam. you didn't like deanna so calling you that would be mean. you like being called dean and a boy, so people should call you that."

dean smiles and nods, raising his eyebrows. "that's right, kid, and it works that way for everyone. you too," he says. the room falls quiet and dean looks away, mumbling, "you feel better?"

jack nods slightly. "the bath is helping."

dean nods, sighing. "jack, you're having a period."

"what?"

"a period," dean repeats, "it's a thing that happens once a month. 'cause you don't have a baby in you, your vagina starts bleeding, like it's mad you don't have a baby, i guess. for most people, it hurts pretty bad, and there's a lotta blood, and you usually bleed for about a week before it goes away."

jack furrows his eyebrows. "but girls have those, and i'm a boy. i don't have a vagina."

"apparently, you do."

it hits jack like a freight train, tears welling up in his eyes, pain searing through his chest, this time not a pain he understood, not a pain he could explain. it was like it was all wrong, everything was wrong, he was wrong, he can't do it, can't be,

"hey, hey, jack," dean coaxes, "breathe, breathe, you're gonna be fine. i used to get 'em, pain in the ass, and i'm still a boy, right? even if i had 'em, you'd still call me dean, right?"

jack's eyes snap open to look at dean, words spilling out of his mouth. "of course! you're dean, dean, you're dean!"

dean laughs lightly, "see? so if i'm still dean, and i'm still a boy, and i used to have the same equipment you have, then you're still jack, and you're still a boy, so there's nothin' to worry about, is there, bud?"

"well, i don't," jack stutters, "i don't like it, it hurts, and it feels wrong, and,"

"hey, hey," dean interrupts, "we'll figure something out, and yeah, it sucks. but it's gonna be alright in the long run, 'kay?"

jack nods. "okay."

"yeah," dean nods, "i think sammy left some new clothes outside the door, so i'm gonna grab 'em, and then i'm gonna show you how to use a pad. it's a bit trickier in boxers, but it works," he mutters, reaching for jack's new clothes.

jack watches as dean demonstrates for him, sticking the pad in place before folding over the wings and setting jack's boxers down. "dry off, don't worry about getting the towel bloody, 'cause we got plenty, and put those on, and then get dressed like normal. i'll be waitin' in the kitchen with something to help the pain, alright?"

jack nods, and dean shuts the bathroom door softly, letting jack sit with his feelings. dean said they would figure something out, that all of them would figure something out, and that it would only last a week. jack could stomach a week of this, if there was less pain, and then it would go away. it would go away and never ever come back, because they'd figure something out.

that's the only thing motivating him to dry off, dress up, and wander out to the kitchen, pain in his belly starting again, curling up inside of him.

cas is there, not dean, and he's got little pink pills sitting in front of him, a glass of water to his left. jack sits down, looking at the pills, refusing to take his eyes off of them. he thought they had magic to help, not just some stupid medication.

"why didn't you tell me?" jack asks, not really to anyone, but cas answers, filling the space in the air.

"i saw you as a baby, heard kelly name you jacqueline, and i didn't think much of it. but then you were big, looked like you were a seventeen year old boy, and i assumed you changed everything to look like a boy. you liked the name jack and we stuck with it. you liked looking like me and dean and sam, you liked being a boy, and i didn't tell anyone. i didn't tell sam or dean because i didn't want them looking at you or treating you differently."

"but you knew dean used to have girl parts." it's a statement, not a question.

"yes," cas says, "and i could have told him. but i wasn't sure you had 'girl parts' anymore, and you were so happy being a normal boy, and we had so many other things going on," he rambles, pausing, "forgive me. i shouldn't have let this fall on you like this. i can't imagine how you feel."

jack sighs, reaching for the pills. "i feel bad. it hurts and then it's worse than just hurt because it feels wrong, like my body isn't supposed to do this, like i'm not a real boy."

"jack," castiel says, voice stern, "you are a boy, and no one can take that away from you. you are my son, and i love you, and i am so, so sorry. please do not ever doubt that you are what you feel you are."

jack doesn't know what to say to that, and so he simply wraps castiel in a hug, sure that whatever happens, his dads will be by his side.