#ill start listening to people about the love language shit if they do this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatdeadaquarius · 1 year

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after scrolling through your posts i felt complelled to send an ask (i wonder why)

This kinda? relates to all the languages posts you've been making (was giggling and kicking my feet while reading them, and got inspired) but because I only speak English, I wanted to put a twist on it.

Creator who has audio processing issues and doesn't realise that Teyvat DOES actually speak the same language as them for a good while.

Because as a person with very good hearing, i sure don't fucking understand what people are saying most of the time, especially in big crowds. (its like listening to the sims sometimes man, i'm fighting for my life trying to understand😭)

So imagine a Creator getting dropped into Teyvat and getting found by a group of hunters or treasure horders, who instantly start panicking and talking all at once because 'omg our god is here' and all that.

And the Creator is still confused and diorientated, so all they're hearing is ✨words✨and they just assume that no one in Teyvat will understand them.

And then when they arrive in one of the nations and get to meet the vision bearers for the first time, the Creator makes a thirsty comment about one of them (probably would be Diluc in my case) and the entire crowd just goes SILENT.

So silent that the Creator can perfectlly understand what that vision bearer said in response.

Anyway, i love your blog :) not sure when you're going to get this, time zones are funny, but I hope you like it

Giggling and kicking?? Over my stuff??? 🥺🥺🥺💘💘💘 You sneaky little charmer ✨️

ALSO

AUDIO PROCESSING DISORDER ASK!!!!?????!!!!

IM IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO GET ADHD DIAGNOSIS AND GOT AN APD TEST NOT TOO LONG AGO BC THOUGHT I HAD IT!!

FRIENDO!! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!! ✨️✨️✨️🌸🌸🌸

Have a cookie!! 🤲🍪 tysm for the ask im very very happy to see it!! :D!!

(subliminalmessagingyouwillgoclicktheaskbuttonandsendmeanasksubliminalmessaging)

AHFJDLLAHFAAJSK!! LOSING IT OVER THIS!!

(Me from the future editing: Sorry i wrote an entire sloppy written scenario over this its diluc focused, jfc sorry and i hope u get smth outta it 💀)

Oh good lord you being some kind of Creator god after getting sucked into the goddmn video game world is absolute HELL for your APD

Aint nobody tellin u nothing bc i can totally see that scenario happening bc everyone is like blabbering at you constantly, they all wanna get close to you to talk so its just [insert that general cafe crowd noises here]

Like u wish u had lofi to go with it bc u sure as hell cant get a word in edgewise

I know i keep writing abt Mondstadt, mostly bc first city -> intro to game -> therefore you land there

But i promise ill branch out guys but i got an excuse this time u mentioned Diluc 🔥

Honestly bc u probably arent trying to talk back to them (which they dont rlly know why? Bc they totally have heard ur voice while u were in ur world, when they were ur vessels)

They kinda assumed either A. You lost your voice B. You're overwhelmed, ppl r getting WAY too close to you, back off Npcs C. Or you don't speak THEIR language

So ofc Mondstadt brings you into the city and their planning a big ol festival, u came right in time for Windblume anyway, and by the time your done shaking hands and just waving and smiling (bc what else can u do u cant hear these fuckers, maybe u caught a "the" or a "hello" but you could've definitely been imagining it)

And finally you are free of the general crowd, but most of the Vision bearers (Allogenes) who were ur vessels wanna stick around, so u all end up in Angel's Share somehow

It's hella packed, and it's a bar.

So yeah u still can't hear shit, and now it just sounds like one of those fantasy medieval bar audios ambience videos

Ur just kinda kicking ur feetsies on a bar stool while like,, 4 or 5 differrent special character dishes are sitting in front of you

Diluc's behind the bar, and has been so sweetly attentive to you all evening, no matter how many tipsy patrons come up yelling for refills or drinks (or at least thats what u assume, bc u kinda end up just,, jumping and hitching ur shoulders up and trying to be lowkey about covering ur ears...)

He always comes and refills ur glass when it gets to even half-full, swiping away plates that have gone cold, and if you still want smth off of it, he's so perceptive no language needed bc he just sees your face and starts heating up the plate again with his vision with his hand :)

He's actually been the best thruout all this bc he already isn't super talkative, so ur pretty sure you've only seen his mouth open a few times, but otherwise u just communicated with him via actions/expressions

So ur chilling, well sorta, ur starting to kinda get overstimulated by the day and now this loud ass bar, and the fact that ur convinced no one speaks English here...

But hey!

Diluc's cool, u got food, and maybe u can charade to him u wanna find somewhere to retire to now for the night,,

You try and do that but he's pretty busy running around still,

"Damn, at least I get to see his ass though."

...

Diluc freezes.

You freeze.

Jean, Lisa, Venti, Amber, Kaeya, Rosaria freezes.

The whole bar goes silent.

Their god of gods finally spoke.

Oh they can understand you alright. (Also u were looking right at Diluc when you said it so, kinda obvious who u mean, somebody points to you behind Diluc)

Diluc just kinda,, sputters, like jerkily turns around and everything like a fried robot

"I- ahem- I- um- y-your Grace- I-"

Poor guy.

He doesn't even know what to say 🤷‍♂️

He has been progressively getting closer and closer to his hair color, his cheeks, his neck, his ears its a full white boy flush he cant escape its so obvious (should he say thank you? How do u even begin to thank a god for complimenting ur ass??!!)

He's caught between facing you and turning around and ducking back into the kitchen and never coming out again (unless it's just you two)

...Was it always this hot in here? Or did Diluc do this to you? 😵‍💫

(Well at least it's a lot quieter now)

You take the next logical step in this situation, and gently let your head thud into the bar.

...

It's a tie between Venti and Kaeya who busts out laughing first.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I HOPE TUMBLR MAKES IT "READ MORE" BC I CANT FIND THAT OPTION ON MOBILE

IF U KNOW WHERE THAT BUTTON IS PLS LET A BITCH KNO 😭😩

UPDATE I FIGURED IT OUT FUCK YEAH

Cheers,

🌒🌊🌧Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

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codecicle · 8 months

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WHATS POPPING‼️ I'm Ashton B Codecicle Gayboy Swagaythor and I use he/him they/them and it/its with no preference in between all of them. Dudebro Manguy who will be weird and freakish on your dashboard faggot-style :D👍

matching pfps with my boyfriend @felixisfruity and my friend @originallymax ^_^

‼️ cc!wilbur and cc!dream stans fuck off. if i talk about them im always talking about their characters (my ocs) ‼️

HELLO!! gaze apon ye affront to god and despair. if me or any of my posts have made you deeply sigh with shame and regret then i may be entitled to financial compensation! cashapp me 20 bucks rn

also! am a minor ^_^ so i wont be drawing the labia ghoul as i am 15 years of age smiley face (<- inside joke)

I LOVE TALKING TO MUTUALS AND FRIENDS AND BUDDIES AND HOMIES. COME TALK TO ME I HAVE A DISCORD SERVER YOU SHOULD DM ME FOR THE LINK OOOOOOOO YOU WANNA JOIN CLUB CREPUSCULE SO BADDDDDDDDDDD OOOOOOOO

number ONE codeflippa and qcharlie enthusiast. if anyone tells u otherwise run very very fast in the other direction and dont look back its me boy im the ps5 speaking to you inside ur brain listen to me boy

mcyt is my special intrest im never leaving this place until the day i die. qsmp dsmp osmp scu smplive cogchamp sdmp epicsmp.. my servers.... <3 i also watch chuckle sandwich and jrwi + most mcyt adjacent people

I do not make sideblogs and never plan on it! outside of!! url hoarding and my singular jrwi gimmick blog/son @has-chip-beaten-the-allegaytions I'm a Chip "Bastard" James JRWI enthusiast btw ^_^)

albatrio are transexuals and faggots and in queer platonic t3t love i dont care about jrwitwt they can explode. sad! 💥💥💥💥

also also im a grimeduo guy. a big one. being both a slimer and an inniter at the same time is like a full time job of being transgender but i somehow manage. who up beastin

if you ever want to listen to my scu propaganda and start watching it i ramble about it a little bit in this ask

i am learning french btw!! charlie and baghera mental illness strikes again (chose the class before the qsmp started and has now managed to make practicing a language into something about my special interests to make me more intrested in it) ((YOU WANNA SEND ME ASKS IN FRENCH. YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO ME IN FRENCH. YOU NEED TO GIVE ME FRENCH PRACTICE. ITS MEEEE BOY IM THE FUCKING PS5 FREE WILL IS AN ILLUSION))

collection of people being normal about me.

(my chip hater blinkies and normal about father-child dynamics shirt were both made by felix!! <3 this egg is transgender image was made by @/foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland </3 and the juanaflippa divider can be used with credit to the artist!! it was made by @/etoilesbienne)

tag list ahead! if you ever need me to tag something just send me an ask or dm and let me know i will ALWAYS say yes i want people to be safe. that being said i do talk about triggering topics from time to time and my intrests are often gore/body horror filled like genloss or bitb so keep that in mind!! i will still tag them properly but i am a walking trigger warning PLEASE stay safe :DD

original posts -> i make yet anothet post just for me 👍

important things ive gottta find multiple times -> saving for later

i am arguably a pink core (the typa shit ballincat43 is on) person and you can pry that from my cold dead hands so here is the tag for it LMAO -> me core

qsmp -> qsmp

qsmp fanart -> qsmp art

absurdly powerful dnd podcast posting -> jrwi (i also tag the individual characters)

liveblogging newer jrwi episodes or jrwiepisodes with spoilers -> jrwilb

gayass military game posting -> cod

generation loss -> genloss

jerma -> jerma is a fucking cryptid

liveblogging -> liveblogging

ask tag -> we have mail :]

best asks I've ever received -> askbox hall of fame

slimecicle cinematic universe -> scu

autism² (risk of rain) -> ror2

self rb -> reblogging my own post

the mcu / mutual cinematic universe -> little rp thing I do with my friends ^_^

tag for elliot (my boyfriend) -> my love felix <3 <3

pokemon (autism³) -> poketag

#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#flashing images #image id in alt text #^_^

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yeonkimintakecare · 4 months

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Cheap Vacations

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader; Angsty Fluff

Summary: You've been in recovery for awhile now, and you're so tired of the people around you coddling you. You ask your boyfriend to come with you on a spontaneous trip, but will he end up disappointing you?

Author's Note: This is based of the song Cheap Vacations by Tobi Lou. He's my second favorite artist after BTS, and I was really depressed in 2020 and I was listening to a lot of sad music. But the song is really good!!! So I suggest listening to the before, during, or after.

Warnings: reader in recovery for a prescription addiction, lot of talk about recovery and mental illness, pretty angsty.

You sit at the window looking at the planes. You look down at your phone to check the time. Your plane to Greece was leaving in 30 minutes. You booked it a week ago when you got home for you and your boyfriend. But he still wasn’t here.

Where is he?! You think to yourself. You told him to be early to the airport but he still wasn’t here. If he’s late you don’t know what you’ll do. Your hands start to shake while you think about getting onto the plane alone. What I would do for a Xanax right now.

You check the time again, just as you pick up your phone it starts to ring. You immediately pick up.

“Namjoon, where are you?” You whisper scream into your phone.

“Baby, I’m not coming.” He said calmly.

“What do you mean? I can’t get onto the plane alone. I need you here with me.” You say starting to tear up and your voice starts to break. Your body starts to shake and you feel the knot in your stomach turn into a rock. You feel weighted down and you feel as though you are about to start sinking into the ground.

“Baby you didn’t ask me if I even wanted to go.” You could hear the guilt in his voice.

“It was supposed to be romantic.” You say weakly. You didn’t understand why he didn’t want to do this with you. To be honest, the break was much needed. Everything in life was always so overwhelming and you just needed some time to take a breath with the love of your life. You needed something new in your life.

“I also don’t think that you should go on this trip. ____, you just got out of rehab. I don’t think that going on a plane, which you find extremely stressful, in a country that doesn’t speak your native language, is a good idea. I missed you so much, can’t we just take a trip here?”

You understood where he was coming from. You had a really rough eight months in rehab to get better. And you were, better that is.

“I just need to get away. I need to get away from everybody treating me like a baby. I need something new for awhile. I want to find a new high. A different high that healthy for me. I just wanted to get a breath of fresh air with you, and when I saw the tickets to Greece I thought it would be good for us. I didn’t get to have alone time with you for eight months and I just wanted to go on this trip. I got a window seat for you and I needed you. I feel like absolute shit all the time and like I'm disappointing everybody all the time. I just wanted to be in a new place with people that don't know me or what I've done.” You sob into the phone. You hated flying alone, your anxiety made it impossible to not have a panic attack on the plane.

“Baby-“ Namjoon begins to speak, but is cut off by the speaker announcing the boarding for your flight.

“I don’t care whether you come or not. I’m going. I need this, and I had hoped you would’ve been here with me, but you weren’t. So I’ll do it on my own. My therapist taught me to be independent, so that’s what I’m going to do.” You say trying to convince him, as well as yourself. “I love you and I’ll contact you when I land. We can talk about how we are going to continue when I get home.”

You end the call and grab your bag and get into the line. You feel yourself starting to shake but you begin to breathe in and out. You didn’t need the Xanax or the Kolonopin. You didn’t do that anymore. You think back to Dr. Rall’s advice and instead of dwelling on all the bad thing, you distract yourself with the good things. While it didn’t cure your state of being, it helped you feel a little more comfortable. You board the plane and sit in your seat, looking at the empty seat next you and you feel the tears welling in your eyes.

Your sadness is interrupted when by a familiar voice.

“I believe that is my seat.”

You look up to see Namjoon with his bag. You smile but tears are still falling. He takes his seat next to you and grabs your hand.

“I thought you weren’t coming…” you say quietly.

“I was already through the check in, but I was hesitant. I wasn’t sure if you were doing this for the right reasons. I had to make sure it wasn’t manic decision. But what you said on the phone. It broke my heart. I’m sorry you feel over crowded, it’s the last thing you need right now.” He said while he grabbed your hand. You see his eyes tear up a bit as well.

You feel comforted while he rubs the back of your hand with his thumb. “I love you and if you need me, I’ll always be there.” He rests his forehead against yours. You stay there for a bit until you are told you have to buckle up and you both are pulled from your little world.

You both take out your own book to read and you share headphones. At first it was rough, but he held your hand again and eventually, using your breathing exercises and stress techniques to calm yourself down. Eventually the eventful morning catches up with you and you feel your eyes become heavy.

You fall asleep at peace with your head on Namjoon’s shoulder. He smiles when he sees the smile on your face. It reminded him of what you were like before the addiction and stress. He loved you then, and he loves you now.

No matter what struggles you went through, he would always be there for you.

#kim namjoon #bts rm #namjoon #bts #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts x reader #namjoon x reader #kim namjoon x reader #bts rm x reader #namjoon fanfic #kim namjoon fan fic #bts angst #bts fluff #rm fluff #namjoon fluff #rm angst #namjoon angst #tobi lou

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draco-after-dark · 2 months

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Honestly I was thinking for this hypothetical that JD was already extremely feral and was kinda imagining he'd act like a wild animal like a wolf or something if he had a trolling wolves do stay in one area for a little bit with pups but they quickly move around once the pups are big enough. I was imagining it as like he'd help the egg to trolling like how he acts right now. Honestly from what I've read of your fic (which btw is AMAZING!!! Genuinely love your writing so much!) He'd be able to take care of one, he's very protective and very good at fighting, hunting, and all the things to survive out in the wild.

I was also imagining how a trolling WOULD act if raised by him and if they'd even lose their color as they wouldn't really know about music and such that the wild would be their home. Honestly I got this idea cuz I love the people who give JD an egg but there's now the added twist of feral-ness

I meant to respond to this sooner but then I started watching nature documentaries because i like listening to them but i figured this one out now.

Also the fact that I've been doing this banger roleplay with a new friend i made (their writing is so good bruh i spell every 4th word wrong i don't know how people know what I'm saying half the time) Its premise is literally having Feral taking care of mini trolling versions of some of the different JD's of the support group. Shit be wild'n

So I don't know how much you know about cougars (also known as mountain lions) but Feral would act a lot like them. Or really any big cat, minus the whole when the trolling is grown up they leave to go fend for themselves. They would stick together like a little pack. Feral would remain mobile during the egg stage and only remain in one area for a prolonged period of time once the egg is hatched and stay there until the trolling is strong and able to defend themselves a bit. He'd have a sort of temporary territory he would defend and monitor before Feral would be on the move again. Now with an added addition. With regards the the trolling I don't think they would lose their colours. Feral didn't lose his colour because he went Feral. He was grey before going Feral but that's all I'm going to say about that. You'll just have to wait for the bath saga for more info. Since Feral is full Feral when he starts taking care of this trolling they wouldn't be able to talk, write or have any of those basic skills since Feral lost all those skills years ago. Talking would be in all primal language.

So now with a bit of a better understanding of things Feral won't be a perfect parental figure. Far from it. But he is a fucking determined one. Unless the trolling starts singing on their own you can get rib of that idea too. Feral don't sing for a multitude of reason and not because he can't speak anymore. The trolling would be very skilled when it comes to navigating terrain despite their small size. Depending on the trolling's heritage they would ether be really good at scaling trees or really bad. The reason Feral has claws to begin with is because on of the brother parents had claws or had the dna trait to give them claws. It's part of the reason they don't all have claws. That and Feral just let his claws grow out and eventually they just stayed the size they are now. It's tha same with the snaggle tooth and some other things ill talk about more when i make my Feral Brozone post. But yeah Feral wouldn't be a perfect parent but he would sure as hell keep them safe and well feed. They would definitely grow up to be a force to be reckoned with.

#feral jd au #mcdracoson asks

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wen-kexing-apologist · 10 months

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How are you so cool and write so much cool meta?? Sometimes I find myself not agreeing to it, but that makes it more cooler ig. (Like what are you doing with life if your meta posts don't have a lil potential for controversy and make people second guess.)

I don't really have anything to ask rn but your latest Step by Step meta post about homelessness and hidden relationships and bridges was really, really good, so just Take my love! <3333

(and keep on writing, please!)

Omg thank you this is so sweet!

How am I so cool and write so much cool meta??

It’s a combination of being gay, mental illness, and a theatre degree I think!

But actually I write cool meta because other people write cool meta and other people share their thoughts and opinions and talk to the internet about them, and talk to me about them, and sometimes I agree and sometimes I don’t and sometimes something they say makes me think about a scene differently or a show differently or a character differently and without that I wouldn’t be here, writing meta until way too late in the evenings.

My cool meta would not exist without people like @absolutebl, @bengiyo, @colourme-feral, @dribs-and-drabbles, @emotionallychargedtowel, @ginnymoonbeam, @kyr-kun-chan, @liyazaki, @lurkingshan, @neuroticbookworm, @respectthepetty, @ranchthoughts, @shortpplfedup, @so-much-yet-to-learn, @solitaryandwandering, @waitmyturtles

and so many many many many many more people who have made posts or come into my comments, or my DMs, or my inbox to talk to me about the things they’re seeing, about the things they are thinking, about the questions they have.

it starts small, it builds over time. I started by seeing @respectthepetty’s index of BL tattoos and BL t-shirts and sending her examples I’d seen that she didn’t have, and then I followed her, and then she started posting about colors, and then I started to thinking about colors instead of just watching the show in front if me, and then *I* started to post about colors, and then about scenes, and then about body language, until my brain was trained, primed, and ready to instantly make a connection between queer people finding safety among other historically disenfranchised communities.

not all of my meta has been cool, some of my meta has caused people to stall on shows they were enjoying because I got over excited, because I was still honing my analysis brain, I’ve been wrong before about colors, about theories, about everything and I keep posting anyway (I just don’t include those failures on my master post lmfao)

All of this to say, cool meta is subjective and cool meta can take time to get right. My meta does not exist without other people behind the camera, in front of the camera, and on the internet putting their own time and effort in to creating something, analyzing something, sharing something that I can connect with, reflect on, and respond to.

all of this to say I write cool meta because other people write cool meta and I am all the better for it. So this is my call to action for more people to start feeling empowered to POST! THAT! SHIT!

post it if you feel it strongly, post it if you agree, post it if you disagree, post about colors and numbers and shapes and the significance of blow jobs and tattoos and tropes. Post the best kisses and why, post the categorizations, post what you are comfortable with

but be respectful!

don’t jump down people’s throat on main, engage in discussions not debates don’t post just cause you feel like you have something to prove. I have disagreed with many people I tagged here, honestly I’ve probably disagreed with all of them at one point. Disagreed about actors, about editing, about story structure, about significance. But I listen, I understand that everyone has lenses through which they view the world, the way they view media and I take those as learning opportunities. I’ve disagreed with everyone here at some point, and even in the midst of those discussions I take their points. I can understand why they don’t have the same hangs ups, or have different hang ups, or like something others don’t, or don’t like something others do.

I consider a great number of the people I tagged to be my internet friends and we’ve remained that way for the last…4? months that I’ve been posting meta because we can shut up and listen just as good as we can ramble and write.

tl;dr i write cool meta because others write cool meta and you too should write cool meta

#step by step #bl meta

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misscammiedawn · 1 day

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I want to talk a little about Suicidality. More importantly, how to talk to those experiencing it.

This is a heavy topic, though. It's under a readmore.

Massive content warning for suicide discussion.

I am of the firm belief that we need to talk about this. Not talk around it or signal how bad it is as this will not enable people the space to discuss without judgment. It's a tough topic. I think about it ALL THE TIME and never talk about it. It just keeps the thoughts in my head. I want to speak. I don't need to be heard. I just want to speak.

When I get really bad and start relapsing I spiral hard. Sometimes that spiral will push me away from loved ones, sometimes it'll trigger a bout of picking at emotional wounds that have scabbed over but more often than not I seek sources of comfort that do not require other humans.

Sometimes I talk to therapy chatbots so I can spew my emotions out at someone who will not be burdened or remember it-- this is for when I know it's a temporary storm and I need present relief without permanent consequence.

Sometimes I look online for messages that can ground me. Those "reasons not to die" inspirational videos and I typically close them the moment they make broad and reaching assumptions.

"You're loved"

"You have so much to offer"

"You're important"

Because they do so much harm to me. I don't know if they do good things for other people but I am fully cognizant of the fact that these people are shooting empty platitudes into the air. Which means when people who do know me say these things, I cannot fully trust that they are not just saying the words that society have conditioned them to say to people in pain.

When someone says these lines are they offering perspective that my mentally ill irrationality has left me blind to or is it telling me what they think I want to hear?

Every time a perfect stranger who has never known my life or my heart tells me these things it makes those words and sentiments weaker.

I can't speak to any experience other than my own. But I am a contradiction. I've passively desired death continually since I was a teenager. I have lived more years with the desire to end myself than I have with the desire to live. Over half my life since a turning point that opened a door in me that can never be closed.

I'm not going anywhere. The Event also instilled in me a lifelong commitment that I will never do to others what was done to me. I refuse.

But it gives me a perspective that makes the struggle all the more painful to me.

I desire and detest the final exit.

So the guilt trip doesn't work either. I know how it makes people feel. I've lived that. The thought of doing it to another person makes me... feel like shit. Which just feeds that evil dragon that whispers dark secrets in my ear. The more I am guilted, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the weaker my resolve becomes.

So if you cannot positively or negatively influence a person with the potential of regrets and appeals to emotion. What can you do?

The obvious answer is listen.

That does help.

But I'd be a hypocrite if I took my worst impulse and fed it into a ELIZA chatbot and preached for other people to listen. Clearly I am denying those in my life the opportunity to do that for me, half because I know the pain of hearing someone talk about those topics and half because, as mentioned, I do not wish for permanent consequences to temporary emotions.

The other step is that I am desperate for someone to condone it.

If I could go back and have an honest to god conversation about things, with the people who instilled this hatred of suicide into me. I don't think I'd try to change things. I'd just want to hear why, understand it and say "I really wish you wouldn't, but I understand why you want to."

PhilosophyTube's episode on the topic has been sitting rent free in my head for years.

It's the simplist and most powerful phrase in the english language, I think: “I understand how you feel.” I've been up there. I've flown that mission. I fly it a hell of a lot. And you're not necessarily bad or broken inside just because they're sending you up. So you fly safe, Cosmonauts. - Abigail Thorn

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want anyone to kill themselves. But all of the talk, all of the activism, all of the push for suicide prevention. It focuses on stopping a person with a desperate desire to escape their circumstances, their pain, their existence and it asks them to not act on those desires.

There's no version of events where the desire itself is treated. Even when a person has no drive to follow-through, the desire doesn't truly go away. Decades of therapy, better life conditions and reasons to live haven't made it go away for me.

At my worst, I research it. Run the numbers. Live the fantasy. The information I got from ethical exit resources lives with me. I know exactly what to do, what to buy from Wal-Mart. On one hand I feel empowered by the fact that I have control in that I can do it and I choose not to. Some days that gives me comfort. Other days I curse 2020 Camden for researching that forbidden knowledge and burdening us with it here in the present.

A hard thing I had to do recently in trauma therapy was write down the full list of actions I'd take and send it to people I love so they could recognize the steps if I started to take them. That flooded us with shame. Also inspired some of the need to talk about it.

But still, I don't really regret poisoning myself with the knowledge of how to do it, even if it most certainly is a detriment to me.

Because "I understand" is just a sentence. "I've been there" is just a sentiment.

What gets me through. What helps me survive?

It's feeling like I have a choice and that when I'm hurting and desiring to scratch that itch, I can ask myself "do you want to go to Wal-Mart?" knowing full well I'll get that sharp and angry "NO!" in reply.

Because there's something else I learned in that "forbidden research".

One of the doctors who was involved in activism for Canada's MAiD laws (and was imprisoned for helping people attain The Final Exit) was on a podcast talking about their view on euthanasia and when they feel it is inhumane to let someone live. They spoke about the cruelty of keeping someone in suffering tethered to life for the comfort of the surviving family and noted that guilt was not a good motivator and would only cause further knee-jerk reactions and defensive behaviors.

So he told a good story about someone who he helped.

"Can you imagine having one more happy memory?"

The person at the end of their life spoke about the pain they were in, the way their mind was giving in on them, the sad faces surrounding them all of the time and the fact that all the memories of vibrance and life were being replaced by this slow downward spiral as the months dragged on. There were joys of seeing loved ones and there were comforts and conversations and then... dying became routine. Expected and inevitable and there were no more fresh and beautiful experiences to be found in the process of dying. Only pain.

When the patient knew without a doubt that they would never have another happy memory to enjoy before the end they said they were ready to go and no one around them could argue.

It was a bittersweet story but it stuck with me.

2001 was the first time we acted self-destructively. We have had spirals, even since hearing that story in 2020 (one even started us writing this post), but I considered hearing it while on the edge of the knife to be the moment I reaffirmed the knowledge I'd never do the deed.

2001-2020 our motivation was in pain. In knowing what it's like to get that call from the hospital. To have to be buzzed in to the mental ward to visit the shame-filled loved one who needs all of your love and understanding and you silently ask yourself "is it selfish for me to feel hurt? Who will even comfort me in this time?" to take responsibility and be strong when everything is falling apart...

I can't. I won't. Never. Never EVER.

That kept us safe for a long time. But it made the storms so hard to weather and it made that thought at the back of our head insist "we'll do it eventually"

In 2020, when we knew we were an hour's shopping trip away from the edge, that story gave us something to dream. "Hey, idiot, we're working so hard to transition. Why would we give up now?" and, yes, the process of transitioning damned near killed us... but it wouldn't always be hating ourselves and feeling like the journey was impossible. We could climb Mount Celeste. Just give it a year. A month. Another day.

Can you still imagine us happy?

If you can, then live another day. Just carry on. As long as you can imagine a world where you have one more happy memory it's worth the pain of today.

I don't know if this will strike everyone the same way it did me. But it helped. So much. In a world where all the creature comforts like concerts and cinemas were stripped and we spent weeks and weeks alone indoors going quietly crazy and growing terrified of a hostile world that was about to see an attempted insurrection in the near future, it was so easy to be consumed by darkness and give in completely...

And I think we've done okay. Fine enough. I doubt life will ever live up to what was hoped or imagined. Things will always be a struggle. Things will always be tense and hard. But there will always be moments. New happy memories. I owe the me of yesterday the smiles of today and I owe the me of tomorrow the ability to experience those smiles.

I don't need to be told I am loved, I am valuable, I am all the things that my illness refuses to let me believe.

I just need to know that I have experienced happiness in the past and it's not impossible for me to experience it again.

That'll keep me going.

#camden posting #watch me post my trauma in public #personal #cw: suicide #bpd

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prettywhenibleed · 1 year

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𝖀𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕭𝖔𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖜𝖆𝖑𝖐 (Under The Boardwalk)

Fem Reader x Paul TW: Mental illness, mentions of self-harm, drugs, language Gif: @lostinsantacarla

For what felt like your whole life, you have struggled with depression, your mind constantly filled with dark thoughts. While you had brief moments where you felt okay, those moments never lasted long as the toxic thoughts your mind would come up with and the almost suffocating feeling of loneliness would creep their way back in and consume you once again. All you have ever wanted was to find someone that you could connect with. Someone that wouldn’t just be there to use you and, once they were done with you, leave. You wanted to love someone and have that person love you back completely. You knew that you had your flaws, everyone did. But you were a good person and did your best to make everyone around you happy, even if that meant that in doing so, you yourself wouldn’t be. You were a people pleaser and at times, you hated it. Constantly being used by people who claimed to be your friends, who claimed to care. “I’ll always be here for you.” “I care about you and I'll never leave you like they did.” They would say, but over time, you grew to realize that they never meant it. They only said it so they could get what they wanted out of you and, once they were done, they would leave you just like everyone else did. In order to not let yourself get hurt again, you had learned to distance yourself from people. You stopped trying to make friends, stopped opening up to people and stopped trying to find love. You knew that it would only result in you getting yourself hurt and you would end up alone again, feeling even more broken than before. By the time you were nineteen, you felt so disconnected from the world around you. Locking yourself away in your room and turning your hurt and anger inwards. You had been self-harming since you were thirteen, cutting yourself, starving yourself and purposely overdosing on pills. You wanted to feel something and nothing at the same time. You had even attempted to end your life at one point but deep down you knew that you didn’t want to die, you just wanted all of the pain to stop.

Recently, your parents had told you that you would be moving. While you would miss where you lived right now, you had your own little spots that you would walk to to sit while listening to music and be in your own little world, you felt that maybe this could be the chance for a fresh start, though the thoughts that came to your mind after thinking that were that you would be just the same as you were now. Alone, unloved and unworthy of anything positive. Why would moving change anything for you? You would still be the same useless piece of shit you were now. For the next few weeks as you packed, you fantasized about moving to your new home and being happy. In your fantasy, you would find someone that would immediately take to you, wanting to get to know you and you two would fall madly in love. You would also possibly make some friends as well. In your fantasy, you were happy, loved and wanted. But you knew that that would never happen, you weren’t worth anyone's time, let alone their love. But you could always dream.

Moving day came and you got all packed into your car with your parents and set off to your new home. They had told you that you would be moving to a town called Santa Carla and that it was right near the beach. In fact, there was a boardwalk on the beach that had lots of rides, games and stores for you to explore when you got there. While you thought that it was cool, you didn’t exactly know how fun that would be for you on your own. Maybe you could find a new little secluded and quiet spot where you could spend your time like you did at the spots where you used to live. The drive was long but you eventually made it to your new home. Spending the rest of the day unpacking the moving truck and the car, then all the boxes. By the time night fell, you were exhausted but you decided, reluctantly and after a lot of convincing from your parents, to go to the boardwalk. They were going to go eat dinner and thought that they could drop you off at the boardwalk so you could look around the place. As they dropped you off, your dad handed you some money so you could get something to eat and some extra if you decided to go on any rides. You thanked him and waved them goodbye as they left. You turned in the direction of the boardwalk and took a deep breath before making your way there from the parking lot.

The boardwalk was pretty crowded, not really great for your anxiety, but all you had to do was grab some food and water and then you would try and find a quiet spot to sit for a while. There were lots of options for food but you decided on something easy, popcorn. You fidgeted with the money in your hands, that you had counted about five times to make sure it would be enough, as you waited. Finally, you got your food and water and quickly made a b-line for the beach. You figured that you could find a spot under the boardwalk to sit for the night. You walked a bit away so that you wouldn’t be near anyone and found the perfect spot. It was dark, quiet and away from the crowds. Sighing in relief, you sat down on the sand and began to eat some of the popcorn. After a few minutes, you were scared almost half to death by the sound of someone's voice, not that far from you. “Hey, ya mind if I steal some of your popcorn, sugar? I got a serious case of the munchies and you’re making that look so good right now.” The man, who was only a few meters from you, asked. You wondered how you didn’t notice him before. You felt frozen to the spot, not sure what to do. You looked down at the food in your hand and back up at him before slowly extending your hand with the food in it towards him. His face broke out in a big goofy grin as he closed the distance and shoved his hand into the bag, pulling his, now popcorn filled, hand out and eating. “Thanks!” He enthusiastically told you as he plopped himself down onto the sand next to you.

“What’s your name? I’m Paul.” He asked, introducing himself with a mouth full of food. You looked at him for a second and, feeling like he wasn’t much of a threat, just a friendly stoner, you answered. “I uh. My name’s y/n.” You told him, watching as he continued to eat out of his hand. Pretty messily, too. Paul turned to look at you, giving you a smile. “Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” He complimented. You felt your cheeks heat up at his words. You had to remind yourself that he was a stranger. He was stoned and probably didn’t even know what he was saying. “You new here, sugar? I haven’t seen you around before.” He asked, now finally done with his food. “Uh yeah.” You said, reaching for your bottle of water and handing it to him. “Just moved here today, actually.” You finished as he gratefully took the water from you and chugged a good amount of it. You couldn’t help the stifled laugh that left you. “What’s so funny? Do I have something on my face?” He asked, his grin as big as ever. You shook your head. “No, no. Your face is fine. It’s nothing.” You told him. He handed you back your water but you shook your head. “You keep it. You seem to need it more than I do.” You told him with a smile. “Thanks. I got crazy bad cottonmouth.” He told you but then felt the need to clarify. “Cottonmouth, it's wh-” But you cut him off. “I know what it is. That’s why I gave you the bottle. I thought you might need the water.” You told him with an amused look on your face. His face seemed to light up at what you said. “You smoke?” He asked excitedly, to which you nodded. “Yeah, sometimes.” For the rest of the night, you and Paul sat under the boardwalk, smoking, talking and getting to know each other. You could feel the excitement build up inside of you at the prospect of maybe having a friend here but you also made sure not to get your hopes up. Past experiences teaching you better than that but there was something different about Paul. Something you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

That night you went home feeling better than you had when you had left. Paul seemed like a pretty nice and easy going guy and you seemed to have quite a lot in common. You and Paul had made plans to meet up again the next night at the same place, which he had already started calling “our spot”. Maybe living here wasn’t going to be as bad as you had originally thought it was going to be. While you tried your best, you couldn’t stop your mind from wandering to thoughts of the future and what it would look like. Would you and Paul become close friends? Would it develop into something more? You knew you shouldn’t think that far ahead or assume that he even wanted to go in the romantic direction but you couldn’t help yourself. You drifted off to sleep that night excited for tomorrow night when you would see him again.

****

After he and the others got to the boardwalk, Paul hung out with them for a while, as usual, but then decided to split off and do his own thing. That was how he found himself wandering off to under the boardwalk to smoke and get high. He was there for about an hour, completely in his own world, when he heard someone approaching. He stayed silent as he watched you get closer. He watched as you sat down, not too far from him, and begin to eat some popcorn. His mouth started drooling at the smell of the popcorn and god damn you made it look tasty. He was sufficiently high and had the munchies, so he decided to see if he could sweet talk you into sharing some with him. At first, he was planning on making you a meal but after talking to you and getting to know you, he decided against it. You were one of the coolest girls he’s met in quite a while and you were absolutely gorgeous too. The both of you got along really well and he already felt himself wanting to spend even more time with you. He told you to meet him here again tomorrow night, to which you agreed. He was ecstatic that you wanted to see him again. When he got back to the others, they asked him what he was smiling about but he just told them that he had a good meal and they accepted his answer, not asking him any more questions. Once they all got back to the cave, just before sunrise, and were situating themselves in their nest to go to sleep for the day, Paul’s mind wandered back to you. He couldn’t get you out of his head, resulting in you being the last thing he thought of as he drifted off to sleep.

****

Over the course of the next few weeks, you and Paul met up every night under the boardwalk at your spot. You talked, laughed and smoked together. The more you got to know Paul, the more you found yourself falling for him. He was sweet, goofy, kind and seemed to take a genuine interest in you. He made you feel wanted and, while you loved it, it scared you a little. Thoughts going through your head of him only using you and that he would leave when he was done with you, just like everyone else had. Though, whenever you were with Paul, those thoughts never had the chance to stay for too long because he would pull you from those thoughts with his, albeit kinda stupid, jokes he would constantly be telling you. While, yeah they weren’t the best jokes in the world, they still made you laugh and for that, you loved them. Tonight, Paul asked if you wanted to play some of the games on the boardwalk. You happily agreed and you and him got up and made your way out from under the boardwalk on actually onto it. Once on the boardwalk, Paul slung his arm over your shoulders as he directed you to where some of the best games were. You felt your heartbeat quicken as you felt his arm around you. You wondered for a moment if it was a friendly gesture or if it meant more. Did he like you as much as you liked him? You shook the thoughts from your head and just decided to try and turn your brain off for a while and just enjoy your night with Paul.

As you and Paul played some of the games, you came to the realization that he wasn’t really that good at any of them. It made you laugh at how focused his face would get at times. Not that you were really one to judge, since you weren’t all that great either but you did manage to win a small stuffed lion. After you received your prize, you turned to Paul. “Here.” You said, offering the prize to him. “I won it for you. Looks like you too.” You told him with a smile. Paul’s eyes got wide and a large smile spread across his face as he took the stuffed lion from you. “Really? You won him for me, sugar?” He asked and you nodded. “Yep.” You confirmed. Suddenly, you were pulled into a hug. “Thank you. No one’s ever won something for me before.” He confessed before pulling away. As you two walked down the boardwalk, on your way to get a drink, Paul turned to you, a sly smirk on his face. “So, does this mean we were on a date?” He asked you and you could feel your cheeks heat up. “I umm.” You didn’t know exactly how to answer that but decided to just go for it. “If you want it to be.” You finished, giving him a nervous glance. Paul’s smile just got even bigger at your response. “Well then, I guess we just had our first date.” He said, laying his arm back around your shoulders and bringing you in closer. The both of you walked around for a bit longer before Paul asked you something that made your anxiety spike. “You wanna come meet my friends?” While you wanted to, your anxiety over it made your heart race. What if they didn’t like you? What if they made fun of you? What if- Your racing thoughts were cut off by Paul. “It’s okay, babe. They’ll love you, I promise. I mean, they’re not as cool and good looking as me, but they’re okay.” He said, trying to reassure you and make you laugh. It worked a bit and you agreed to meet them.

Paul took your hand in his and began to pull you along towards where his friends were. It didn’t take too long to reach them and, when you did, you felt the anxiety start to creep back in. They looked pretty intimidating upon first glance but you tried to remind yourself not to judge them at face value, you wouldn’t want someone to do that to you and Paul was really kind to you, so maybe the others were like him. “Guys, I want you to meet someone.” Paul said once we reached his friends. They all looked towards you and Paul. “This is y/n.” He said, introducing you to them and then he went around the group telling you everybody's names. After you all spoke for a bit, you found that they weren’t as intimidating as you originally thought. Marko was much like Paul and while Dwayne seemed to be pretty quiet, he was still nice. David though, he wasn’t rude to you or anything but he was definitely the one that you still found kind of intimidating. Maybe that’s just how he was? Either way, they all seemed like good people. After a while of standing around talking, Paul asked if you wanted to go back to their place with them and hang out there for a while. You did want to hang out with them all for a while longer, but it was already getting pretty late. “I’m sorry but it’s pretty late and if I don’t head home now, my parents will get mad.” You told him, earning an exaggerated pout from him. “Aw come on, y/n. It’s barely even midnight.” He said, trying to convince you to go with . “Yeah, we promise to get you back soon. Just come hang out for a bit.” Marko said, trying to help Paul out a bit. You thought about it for a moment and caved. “Fine. But I have to call my parents first. I don’t want them worrying.” You told them. Paul and Marko let out a few excited cheers at that. Luckily, your parents were just so happy that you had found some friends that they said it would be okay but to stay safe and not get back too late.

You walked back over to the boys to tell them what your parents had said. “Come on, you’re gonna ride with me, sugar.” Paul told you as he hopped onto his bike and extended his hand for you to take. You took his hand and he helped you onto the back of his bike. “You ever been on a bike before?” He asked, his head turned to the side as he spoke. You shook your head. “No.” He grinned. “Well, you better hold on tight.” He informed you. You wrapped your arms around his torso, your grip tight as your anxiety spiked. Your grip around Paul tightened even more as you sped through the boardwalk, down the stairs and onto the beach. You were surprised that, only after a minute or so, you began to enjoy the ride. It felt so… Freeing. Speeding down the beach, the wind whipping through your hair and the sounds of the boys shouting and laughing. You felt a big grin spread across your face as you closed your eyes for a moment to enjoy the feeling. Soon, the four bikes had left the beach and turned onto a trail in a wooded area. You rested your head on Paul’s back, just letting yourself live in the moment and enjoying how it felt to be so close to someone. Before long, the bikes came to a stop. You looked around to see that you were at, what looked to be, a cliff. Getting off the bike with Paul, you gave him a questioning look, to which he gave you a smile and wrapped his arm around you. “It’s just down these steps over here.” He said, pulling you along with him and towards an old looking staircase. You all walked down the stairs, across a small bridge and to the mouth of a cave. Paul helped you down into the cave, making sure you didn’t slip. You looked around in a mixture of shock and awe.

“You guys live in a cave?” You asked, still looking around at everything. You had to admit, while it wasn’t at all what you were expecting, it was actually pretty cool. “Yeah, ya like it?” Paul confirmed and asked you. “Yeah, I do. It’s a pretty cool place.” You told them. David walked up to you as Paul jumped up onto the edge of the large fountain that was in the middle of the room. “This was the hottest resort in Santa Carla back about eighty years ago. Too bad they built it on a fault.” David told you. “In 1906, when the big one hit San Francisco, the ground opened up and this place took a header into the crack. Now it’s ours.” He finished. You looked at him. “Wow. Lucky you I guess.” You said. “How long have you guys lived here for?” You asked and watched as they all shared looks with each other. “Ah that doesn’t matter.” Marko said, to which you gave him a funny look but just decided to brush it off. Just then, Paul came over to you and handed you the joint that he had been smoking. “Here, let's get high and listen to some music.” He said. You took the joint from Paul and took a hit. “Yeah, cause it’s not like the joints we smoked earlier did anything.” You joked. For a while, you all sat around talking, smoking and listening to some music before David suddenly told Marko to go get some food, to which he obliged and left. So, David was kind of the ring leader of the group, you assumed. You leaned back in your spot on the couch as you began to feel tired. You didn’t want to leave just yet though. “Aw come on. You’re not getting sleepy now, are ya, sugar?” Paul whined from next to you. You turned your head to the side, as it rested against the back of the couch, to face Paul. “I’m still good. Just relaxing.” You told him, your smile lazy and high. Paul laughed at the sight and squished himself closer to you. “Good.” He said with a smile of his own.

Eventually, Marko got back with the food and handed it out to everyone. You had taken a couple bites of your rice and was about to go for a third, when you looked down to see maggots. You went still and silent as you stared down at it for a few moments before tossing it to the ground in disgust. Noticing this, David spoke up. “Something wrong with your food there, y/n?” He asked with a laugh. You looked up to see a smirk on his face and to see that Marko and even Dwayne were laughing a bit too. You felt your heart sink. They did this? God you were so stupid to think that you had met some nice people that actually wanted to be friends with you. Was Paul a part of this too? You looked over next to you and saw that Paul had a bit of a smile on his face at your reaction. That brought tears to your eyes. You couldn’t believe that you had fallen for this shit again. They just brought you here to make fun of you. You stood up and rushed out of the cave. Once you reached the top where the bikes were, you took off running towards home. You didn’t know exactly where you were going, but you had a vague idea. You couldn’t be there anymore, just to be made fun of. After about fifteen minutes, you realized that you were lost. Not having the energy to keep going, you found a spot by a tree and sat under it and finally let the sobs out. You sat there and cried for what felt like hours. Has this whole thing between you and Paul been a big lie? A big fucking setup? You thought that you had finally found someone that actually cared about you, that actually wanted to be with you and that his friends liked you. But like always, you were proven wrong.

Suddenly, you heard the snap of twigs on the ground and the sound of footsteps getting closer. You looked up and through tear filled eyes, you saw Paul. Great. He had come and found you so he could continue making fun of you. You buried your face further into your knees as he got closer. “Sugar? Look, I’m sorry. It was just a joke, there weren’t really maggots in there. I promise.” He told you, trying to apologize but you couldn’t believe him. Who does that to someone for a fucking joke? You felt Paul beside you as he sat down. He tried to brush the hair away from your face and spoke again. “I know I really fucked up, y/n. I’m sorry. I really am.” He said. You slowly lifted your head to look at him, the hurt you were feeling clear on your face. “You know, my whole life I have been treated like shit by everyone that I thought were my friends. I was always the butt of the joke and used until I had nothing left to give and then I would be left alone. I promised myself that, this time, I wouldn’t let anyone in. Not ever again because I couldn’t bear being hurt again. But then I met you and I thought that, finally, I’ve found someone that seems to actually care about me. I guess I was just too stupid to see I was being used again.” You said to Paul through tears. “I actually believed that you liked me. How stupid am I?” You finished. You looked up to see the look on Paul’s face and it actually looked like he genuinely felt bad for what he and his friends had done. Like he really didn’t mean for it to be taken like that. “You’re not stupid, I am. I do like you, sugar. Like, a whole lot. More than weed! I promise I didn’t mean to hurt you. Tell me what I need to do to make it up to you, sugar. I’ll do anything. Please.” He said, practically begging you. He really did seem remorseful of his and his friends actions.

You remained silent for a few moments, not knowing if you should trust what he was saying. “I don’t know if I can trust you again.” You told him and the look on Paul’s face almost hurt you to see. He looked like a kicked puppy. “What if I tell you a secret? Something that I’m not supposed to tell anyone ever. Will you trust me a little then?” He asked with a hopeful look in his eyes. You thought for a moment. Sniffling, you shrugged. “I don’t know. It depends on the secret.” You told him. At that, he looked slightly nervous but happy you somewhat agreed. “Okay just, don’t freak out. Okay?” He said and you slowly nodded. “I’m a vampire.” He told you and you felt your heart deflate a little more. He was still making fun of you. You felt fresh tears start to spill out of your eyes. “I can’t believe you’re still making fun of me.” You told him, totally defeated at this point. How could he be so- Just then, you watched as his face shifted into something inhuman. With wide eyes, you stared at him in shock. “I’m not making fun of you.” He said as you continued to stare. Through the new face that Paul wore, you could see worry start to settle onto his features as you were yet to speak since he had revealed himself to you. You then reached up to touch his face. Even though you had seen it shift in front of your eyes, you still had to see if it was real. You touched his face and then his fangs, pulling a giggle from Paul as you did so. “It’s real.” You whispered. “100% real, sugar.” He confirmed with a fang filled grin. You pulled your hands away and wiped the tears from your face, shifting in your spot. You began to ask Paul an array of vampire related questions, to which he happily answered them all. You also asked him why he and the others had done what they did to you. He told you that it was just David hazing you. He did it to people all the time but he didn’t mean to make you feel like they were making fun of you. They mess with each other all the time. He continued to apologize for it and told you that they would never do anything like that to you again.

After a while, Paul offered to take you home, to which you accepted, seeing as it was really late and you were pretty exhausted. When he dropped you off, Paul pulled you into a tight hug and asked if you still wanted to meet up again tomorrow night. To his relief, which was clear on his face, you said yes. He then told you that, if you wanted, he would pick you up and drop you off from now on. You also agreed to this. After he left and you got inside, your parents were already asleep, which you were grateful for. You went right to your bedroom, stripping off your clothes and getting into your pajamas before crawling into your bed and pretty quickly falling asleep. The next night after Paul had picked you up and brought you to the boardwalk to where the others were, they all took turns apologizing for the previous night, though you only got a “sorry” mumbled to you from David. Though Dwayne told you that he meant it but he just didn’t like apologizing. The rest of the night went a lot better than last and for the next six months you and the others just got closer and closer as friends, them even going as far as calling you their sister. You and Paul also grew even closer and your relationship blossomed. They did keep their promise to never make you feel like they were making fun of you. Paul spent every waking moment that he was with you, making you feel loved and wanted. You had never felt so loved in your entire life and, while you still had your bad days, they were a lot less common now. It was at this six month mark that you approached Paul with a very important request in mind. One he had never been happier to fulfill. You asked him to turn you. You told him that you could never imagine a life without him and the only way to be with him completely and forever, was for him to turn you. He had wrapped you up in a big hug and planted many kisses all over your face after hearing those words come from your mouth.

He asked you when you wanted to turn and you told him that you didn’t want to wait. You wanted him to do it that night. After sharing the news with the others, they all cheered and celebrated. That night, Paul used his blood to turn you and, while it was a bit of a learning curve, you had never been happier in your entire life. You would be able to spend the rest of eternity with the best friends you had ever made and with the first and only man that had ever shown you genuine love and kindness. You knew that never again will you go a day feeling alone and unloved. Or should you say night.

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Taglist: @6lostgirl6 @britany1997

#the lost boys #the lost boys 1987 #tlb 1987 #the lost boys paul #the lost boys marko #the lost boys dwayne #the lost boys david #paul tlb #marko tlb #dwayne tlb #david tlb #brooke mccarter #alex winter #billy wirth #kiefer sutherland #fem reader #fanfic #PWIBfic

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ghostismybbygorl · 1 year

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Okay heres how id vibe with cod characters

First off i think my call sign would be 'mouse'

Bc im small i can scurry around places pretty quick and i can escape out of a situation fast as well that or cause i sneeze like a mouse

Id be a sniper and demolition expert ngl

Price

Legit i would call him dad 24/7 not like in a daddy kind of way but like legit a father figure

he'd just roll his eyes and accept the fact that he has another kid he has to take care of

100% would smoke a cigar with him though id smoke those tiny cigarillos (my brother smokes cigars and ill smoke a little with him)

Gift giving is my love language so whenever id visit a new country id buy him a cigar from there

I have a hat like his and i WILL wear it around and mimick him

Id do the grunts and everything

I feel like id be on more missions with him than anyone else

Definitely would hang out in his office to keep him company and annoy the shit out if him

Soap

Dont let anyone near us

AT ALL

wed be doing diabolical shit especially since im an arsonist and free will plus military grade explosives plus mouse and soap. have the fire department on speed dial

We'd be the reason price is greying faster

100% stealing his shirts and hoodies they'd be so big on me

Im gonna be up front with this one

We'd be fucking. I'm down bad for this man

We'd annoy the absolute piss out of ghost. He can handle one soap but TWO hes gonna need the backpack leashes for us

Quoting vines and tiktoks ON THE DAILY

Jam seshes in the car would be 100% perfect

We'd have a snap streak and its only stupid photos we take

Im recording everything he does i know damn well hes always in a silly goofy mood

Definitely in the blunt rotation

He's definitely the type to find my snack rations and eat them in front of me

Lots of hugs and kisses for this man

Except when he eats my snacks

Wed play fight all the time. When i'm really close with someone ill start "beating them up" (just be faking to fight you)

Ghost

Oh this poor poor man

Have sympathy on him because he's going to try to avoid every ounce of my being

And i wont stop that

Im giving him hugs left and right this man needs some love

I feel like once i start cracking dark humor jokes he'd open up to me

100% would be making the most absurd worst dad jokes and laughing about it

We'd text on the daily mostly just me sending him memes and him sending a 👍🏻or a 👎🏻

Im stealing his hoodies and his masks

Id probably piss him the fuck off to be honest

Id give him so many gifts to make him happy i know he crinkle's his eyes when he smiles

In the blunt rotation too but i think he'd just join for the company and not smoke that much

Id be over in his room if im overstimulated and i don't want to deal with people

Id have him proof read my fanfiction and he'd be my personal dictionary cause i cant spell for shit

Gaz

Did i say big brother vibes cause HE WILL BE MY BIG BROTHER

Id steal his hat so many times but like not in the ride a cowboy kind of way

Id buy him the most ridiculous hats and he will 100% wear them

I feel like he was a spondgebob kid so i know damn well we'll be quoting some of the lines

Part of the blunt rotation as well

When I'm upset he's the one id rant to

Definitely would vibe in a room without talking to him in general

He's most definitely the one to keep me from being unhinged

Totally would listen to murder podcasts together

So at my previous job we had to wear full body harnesses and we played this game called the carabiniere game where you take a carabiniere and hook it on to someone without them knowing and you see who can put the most on them

Soap, gaz, and i would be playing it 100% all the time with each other.

Id also grab them by the harness and pull them around or clip myself to them

Let me get a video from my old job and just put em here and id just explain

Okay back to writing

Laswell

Once again id call her mom and she's just gonna have to deal with it

Id definitely spend time with her outside of work (especially since she lives in maryland my family lives up there) which gives me more of a reason to visit her lol

Shopping sprees i feel like she's a frequent shopper at tj maxx and target

I also feel like she gives the best life advice so id come calling if im in a predicament

Okay so i am partially fluent in spanish, my god mother and best friend are Mexican so I've been around Mexican culture the majority of my life

Alejandro

definitely calls me niña or cariño

I feel like he'd roast my spanish and doesn't correct me if i say something wrong

100% my drinking buddy

I feel like he'd be very protective over me

Id be his date (platonically) and hed be mine to all the family gatherings

Fucking Mexican families are so much fun too. party my tia throws one and im there two shots of tequila in my hand listening and damcing to music

We'd text on the daily i feel like he'd frequently visit me and my family in the south as well he'd be the life of the party at my tia's parties

Rudy

He's the one that corrects my spanish and WILL only speak spanish to me until I understand whst he's saying

Insert him pointing to a random object and says it in spanish

I feel like we wouldnt bond much but we would you know?

I also feel like he gives great life advice

Graves

Id kick him in the balls

He's the type of guy i avoid or ruin his reputation

Absolutely despise him

Completely roast that motherfucker

Drop kick him

He pisses me off so much

Gives off leo and cancer energy

OHOHOHOHHH AND AT THE BETRAYAL SCENE DONT GET ME STARTED

Id 100% try to fight him even before Alejandro would

Tbh id probably get killed by one of his shadows bc of it

König

Sweet babe i would help him through an axiety attack

PIGGY BACK RIDES FOR SURE

id hug him every-time i see him

Definitely would say uppies and have him put me on his shoulders

He definitely wont see me at all ( im 5'4) so he would definitely have to crouch down to see me

His nickname would be bear cause of how big he is

I feel like when he'’s comfortable around you he’s very out going

I have no clue how to speak german but i will act like i do

He's in the blunt rotation as well

Thats all i got for now 😊

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whatyadrawin · 2 months

Text

No one else I know has the same issue as me.

Over the years, my unmedicated mentally ill adhd ass has been raw dogging every awful traumatic event, and it's taken its toll.

School as an adult is difficult, a lot of courses are "condensed" these days because of the need for the students to join the workforce due to lack of employees(medical).

I have this worsening issue where I need to read sentences a few times because they come into my mind wrong.

For example, the way someone writes a sentence could make or break my understanding of it.

Ex: 'The effect of a parasitic infection in a minute portion of the population causes the digestive process to decline by an average of 10%'

How I read it the first time:

'The effect of of infection parasite population causes digestion decline 10%'

AND I DONT SPEED READ.

It gets even worse when I read sentences from ESL folks(it's not their fault, I don't blame them) because the arrangement of words and missing verbs makes it like a puzzle for me when for normal people its a quick easy read, and I have to read it at least twice to ensure I understand correctly.

Don't even get me started on tests, I need to go over each question 3 times and then come back to it to make sure my fucking brain didn't misinterpret the question. This is hell when the instructors don't give a shit about plain language or proper communication so they make these vague fucking questions that have so many possible answers but yet they expect you to know the specific type of answer they want. School is hell for me, and I fucking love the sciences! But learning things and RETAINING THE INFO is an impossible challenge, my memory is fucking garbage so studying is like a game of memorizing important bits of info. It's bullshit when the instructor decides not to be specific about what the test is on because then I have to memorize entire chapters of data just to ensure I don't miss anything just in case.

I just wish my brain functioned like everyone else's! It's so fucking hard to focus on tasks at hand, reading is something I love doing but oh boy is it a massive struggle for me. It's the same thing for listening to people talk, if it isn't about something I'm super passionate about, I miss like 50% of what they say and then they get mad when I ask them to repeat certain parts.

I live in neurodivergent hell, and as much as the people in my life sympathize and support me, they do not understand what my brain is doing... ITS FUCKING FIRING NEURONS IN THE WRONG ORDER AND AT 600x THE NORMAL SPEED.

Anyway, I just wanted to rant about this because it's just been a sore spot for me for my whole life and I feel alone and people who don't experience this shit tend to make it out like I'm incompetent.

Let's get this right, I AM COMPETENT AND CAPABLE. IT JUST TAKES QUADRUPLE THE EFFORT FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU FIND EASY.

Ok, im done now. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

#what ya thinkin #neurodivergent #adhd brain #neurotypicals dont get it #mental health #rant post #maybe im just unintelligent by design #my brain is a beautiful hellscape

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justwearthegoddamncardigan · 1 year

Text

All in two days - Part 2

Read Part 1 here, full masterlist on pinned post

Newt x gender neutral!reader

Direct continuation of Part 1

Initially set in the Scorch Trials, but deviates from canon in this chapter. The end result is basically the same, but I've just taken pieces of canon and used them to fit my story

Warnings: canon-typical violence, language (normal swearing and Glader slang)

The communicator starts ringing as your finger hits the call button, and someone picks up on the fourth ring.

You lift the device to your ear. "Hello?" you say shakily.

"This is Marie, speaking from WCKD Base 7. How can I help?"

"I have-" you clear your throat. "I have information to share: the location of escaped Immunes."

There's a pause as you hear shuffling in the background, following by typing noises on a keyboard. "What are the names of the Immunes?"

"Wait," you say. "I'd like something in return."

"Of course." Marie's voice is flat. "And what would that be?" she asks.

"My sister is sick, but I don't know what the illness is. It's not the Flare though," you tell her. You think for a second, then add "I also want supplies; food and water."

"WCKD will have the resources to cure your sister's illness. And, if the information you share is valuable, we may be able to provide you with additional supplies too. WCKD is good like that."

"Right," you say, swallowing.

"The names?" she prompts.

"Oh, yes," you hesitate for a second, then list them out, your voice clear. "Winston, Frypan, Aris, Minho, Teresa, Thomas... and Newt."

Silence on the other end. Then: "Please hold on, I'm transferring you to another line."

You wait, chewing your lip nervously.

"Hello? Is it true you have the whereabouts of subjects Thomas, Teresa, and the rest of the group?" It's a male voice.

"I- yes," you confirm.

"What's your name?" asks the man.

"Y/n L/n," you tell him.

"Lovely to meet you, Y/n. I am Assistant Director Janson. The people you've named are extremely important to us. If you help us find them, you will be highly rewarded."

Shit. You remember your friends, if you can still call them that, telling you stories about this Janson guy.

"I can find them for you. The stayed at my place for a while, and left just this morning."

"Excellent," says Janson. "If you can put me on speakerphone now, I'll direct you on how to send us your location."

"Okay," you say numbly.

You follow his directions and send your location to WCKD, before ending the call.

You bow your head, unable to believe yourself for what you've done. WCKD is really coming, and they're gonna take your friends away.

You give yourself a mental shake. You only knew them two days, no matter how close you felt to them over those days. Your sister is your first priority.

Nothing else happens in that day, but the next morning, you wake to the deafening sound of rumbling engines.

You rise up off the storage room floor, where you'd fallen asleep. You swing the door open, running out to see a helicopter-y kind of thing landing, it's massive size casting a shadow over you.

A man walks off the helicopter-vehicle, followed by a small group of guards. You recognise him immediately, recalling Minho's description.

"Janson! The Ratman! He's literally a shucking rat. Little bitch," says Minho, arms waving animatedly as he speaks.

Teresa's laugh echoes through your mind, and you can perfectly picture Newt's amused grin.

You shove thoughts of them from your mind and step up to meet Janson.

"Y/n," he says, extending a hand. "Good to meet you in person."

"Janson," you shake his hand and force a smile.

"Listen, the people you've seen are very valuable to me. We're willing to treat you very generously if you deliver on our agreement."

"Thank you very much. We'd appreciate that a lot."

"Well then, let's begin." He claps his hands together.

"As a show of our faith in you, our own Berg here has a medical wing and experienced doctors to look at your sister now. Pack your belongings and prepare to leave. Do you need someone to help you get your sister out?"

"Uhh, yeah, that'd be good."

He nods. "I'll arrange that now, go pack your stuff."

You pack quickly, but as you move to leave you spy Newt's leather wristband on the table. You'd taken it off last night, weighed down by guilt as you waited for WCKD to find you.

You pick it up and look at it, thinking for a bit. You decide to fasten it to your upper arm, just above your elbow, and pull your jacket on, covering the band.

As you shift your bag onto your shoulder, a group of doctors walk in rolling a stretcher behind them, carefully moving your sister.

Then, you follow them out, turning to take one last glance at your home, and step onto the Berg.

You trail behind them as they roll your sister to the medical wing, moving her to a bed.

"Y/n," a voice greets you. You turn to see a doctor smiling kindly at you. She's tiny, about a head shorter than you, and has black hair cut into a sleek bob framing her pale face.

"Hi," you say, offering her a small smile.

"I'm Dr Liu," she says. "My team and I will be treating your sister. Don't worry, she's in good hands."

You nod, genuinely grateful.

"You've got a meeting with Director Janson right now, but I promise we'll give you an update on your sister soon," she tells you, gesturing to Janson as he appears in the doorway.

"Y/n, this way please."

You follow him to the control centre at the front of the Berg, where you can see out the windows.

"Which way are we heading?" asks Janson. "And how far do you think they'll be?"

"They left before midday yesterday, and they're travelling on foot with an injured person, so they wouldn't be that far," you explain.

"They said they were going towards the mountains, and they started in that direction when they left.” You point out a window.

"I see," says Janson. "You got that?" he speaks to the Berg pilot.

"Towards the mountains," acknowledges the pilot, and the Berg begins to lift off the ground.

You assume you're dismissed, and walk back to the medical wing to check on your sister.

When you get there, you see her hooked up to a bunch of monitors, heartrate beeping steadily and an intravenous drip in her arm administering fluids.

"How is she?" you ask worriedly.

"She'll be just fine," responds Dr Liu, pressing buttons on some machine. "The disease is actually pretty common, and would have been easily cured with medicine if you had access. Modern medicine wouldn't have let it get this bad." She gives you a sympathetic look.

"So it's not long-term or anything? You can cure it?" A spark of hope appears.

"Yes," she replies, smiling. "In fact, she should be awake in just a few days."

You release a sigh, the weight of years of worry lifting away.

You're directed to a small bedroom, complete with a simple bunk and closet of plain clothes.

You collapse into the bed and sleep the afternoon away.

When you wake, someone is knocking on your door, telling you to meet in the control centre. There's a clock in your room that tells you the time is 7:15pm.

You get up and rifle through the closet, picking out black pants and a white tee, which you pull your jacket over, giving it a tug as it snags on the leather band.

"We've located them," announces Janson as you enter. "They've sighted the Berg and are hiding now, but we're preparing a team to go down and bring them in."

You step closer to the window, looking down over what looks like an abandoned city. They're right down there, Newt and Thomas and everyone.

You whirl around to Janson. "Is there a way- Do you think I could... not be seen by them?"

Janson raises an eyebrow, but you hold his gaze. "We can arrange that," he concedes. "But listen, whatever they told you when they were staying with you, it's wrong. They paint us as the villains in their story, but all we're trying to do is save humanity from a disease."

"Right, yeah, but I just..." you trail off.

"I see. Thomas and his little group can be quite the charmers." He scoffs a little. "We can make sure they're nowhere near your room, if that's what you want. But just know that by helping us, you're on the right side of this fight, Y/n."

"Yeah, thanks," you say flatly, and you turn and leave.

You end up in the medical ward, sitting by your sister's bed. Her face is soft in her sleep, and you watch as her chest rises and falls.

"Y/n," Dr Liu steps in and you give a small wave in greeting.

She hands you a device. "Janson wanted me to give you this. They've got long range cameras on the Berg, so you can see what's happening down below."

She looks a little conflicted. "Do you want to watch?" she asks hesitantly.

You definitely do not want to watch... but the screen is right in front of you. You can't not watch. You nod and take the screen from her, already regretting doing so as it turns on.

On the device, you can see WCKD's team, holding guns. The view is zoomed out; long range cameras can probably only see to a certain distance, but you can still see the small images of your friends.

You subconsciously twist your hands in your sister's blankets as they start running. You identify Teresa by her long hair, running alongside Thomas and the rest of the group as they disappear under a building, out of the camera's view. Your heart clenches when you realise Winston isn't with them.

When they emerge back into sight, they split up, scattering in different directions. Your heart pounds as the WCKD officers give chase, hot on the heels of Minho and Frypan.

They take down Fry first with an taser shot that leaves him writhing on the ground, and you watch Minho turn to try and save him before being shot himself.

The camera moves to focus on another group as someone knocks Thomas out and corners Aris in a dead end.

You turn the screen off as the camera shifts to show Teresa trying to help Newt along, his limp worse than ever.

You set screen down and try to take deep breaths, blinking fast as your eyes start to sting.

Dr Liu sits down beside you. "I'm sorry," she says.

You don't respond for a bit, and you reach out to cover your sister's hand with your own, rubbing your thumb over her knuckles.

"I cared about them," you say. "They were my first friends in... as long as I can remember. It's just- I knew Elle wouldn't make it if I didn't get help. I had to do this for her."

"I understand," she says. "WCKD is very... There's a lot of give and take. Everyone here had to sacrifice something to receive the privileges they give us. To be a part of the team that's gonna save the world, you're gonna have to lose some things."

She leans forward, looking you in the eyes. "You're not a bad person, Y/n," she insists.

"Thanks," you say quietly. You're grateful for her words, but you still can't believe them when you just watched your friends getting hurt and captured.

"Y/n." It's Janson. You turn to look at him, and notice that he's sporting a decent bruise on his left cheekbone.

"What happened to...?" you gesture at your own face.

He rolls his eyes. "Let's just say that Thomas was definitely not happy to see me."

"Ah, I see." You contain a smirk despite the current circumstances.

"I'm going down to see them now. You wanna tag along?"

" 'course not," you say. "I thought we agreed we wouldn't let them see me."

"Yeah, but you could just sit out of sight and listen in," he offers.

You know full well that he's just messing with your head by letting you listen; just like he did when he told Dr Liu to give you the device with the cameras on the screen.

It's clear he wants you to stop believing in your friends.

Despite knowing all that, you sigh and follow him anyway.

"Stay here," he instructs when you arrive.

You stand with your back to the solid wall of the cell. Newt and the others are right behind you on the other side of it. If you walked just three steps over to where Janson is standing now, you'd be looking them straight in the face.

"Hello everyone," says Janson with a gloating grin. He really does look like a Ratman.

None of them respond, except for Minho muttering "Shuckin' slinthead."

"What was that?"

"How'd you find us, anyway?" Thomas spits out, stopping Minho from throwing out any more insults.

"Oh, we had you the whole time," says Janson. Liar. "Plus, it helped that we met someone along the way. Someone who knew you."

Shit, he's gonna bring you up.

"Y/n," Teresa breathes, realising quickly.

"That's right. After we got the information out of them, it was all too easy to find you."

"You better not have touched them," snarls Newt.

You jolt as you hear a loud noise; Newt must have slammed his arm into the bars of the cell.

Turning your head, you watch Janson lean closer to the cell, and you can picture him face to face with Newt.

You strain to hear what Janson says, but you can't make out his whispered words.

All you see is his satisfied smirk as he steps away from the cell.

You don't move as Janson strides out, instead closing your eyes as you lean your head back against the wall.

"I told you we shouldn't have left them," you can barely hear Newt's broken voice.

"They wouldn't've been any better here with us," says Thomas.

You can't stay here, listening to the way they care for you.

You move abruptly and run to a bathroom nearby. You brace your hands on the sink, staring into the mirror. That face looking back at you has betrayed your friends. They're all in there, worrying about you, when they're the ones being flown to their deaths, and you're the one that sold them to WCKD.

You focus your thoughts on Elle, alive and healing. You think about the sweet, bubbly smile that you haven't seen in years. You're doing this for that smile.

⭒----⭒

The Berg lands in a place known as the Last City, and you're moved to a tall building which is apparently WCKD's main compound.

By now, two weeks after arriving, your sister has gotten a lot better, and you've spoken to her in her bed every day since she woke up. You haven't seen Newt and the others since that day on the Berg.

Elle actually started standing and running yesterday, for the first time in years. You'd given Dr Liu an incredulous look, and watched Elle dance around the medical ward for hours.

Today, after eating lunch with Elle, you move to the labs, where scientists are working on the cure for the Flare.

You've become an apprentice of sorts, training under Dr Liu and her colleagues. You only do simple jobs like cleaning used micropipettes and beakers, but you've also been learning things from the scientists around you.

The science wing of the compound is massive, which makes sense, but it also means you get lost a lot. Today, you've probably taken about five wrong turns, and you're trying to retrace your steps when you see someone hooked up to a sinister-looking machine.

Everything goes cold as you realise. Holy shit, it's Newt. You push the door open and enter the room, and the scientists ignore you - probably because you're wearing a lab coat just like theirs.

One of them presses some sort of 'start' button, and you stand, frozen, as the heartrate monitor starts beeping faster and faster, and you watch in horror as Newt starts writhing and screaming. He's not in pain though, he's scared. You can see his face twisting in terror.

You rush out, the door swinging shut behind you, and you bend over as bile rises in your throat. Tears sting your eyes as you grab another scientist, intercepting him as he moves to enter the room.

"What's happening in there? What are they doing to him?" you demand.

The scientist's eyes flick to your badge. "This isn't your area," he says.

"What. Are. They. Doing."

"He's in a fear simulation. Fear stimulates the production of the enzyme we're trying to extract to make the cure," he tells you. "Even though this subject isn't immune, our tests have shown that he still produces the enzyme we need."

You stumble back, unable to hear any more, and leave the science wing, running out towards your room.

⭒----⭒

You gulp in deep breaths of air as you stand by your window, and you rest your forehead on the cool glass.

That's what they're doing to them. Forcing them into their worst fears and using them like they're nothing but tools.

You look out at the city below. Billboards flash with huge letters, large enough for you to read them from your room on a high floor. NOTIFY WCKD OF ANY OCCURRENCES OF THE FLARE. HIDING CRANKS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

One particular sign catches your attention. REWARDS WILL BE GIVEN FOR INTEL ON REBEL MOVEMENTS.

A crazy thought starts to form. You clench your hands, resolve hardening as you make your decision.

You may have failed your friends, and they'd be right to hate you if they found out what you did, but maybe you can get them out. Maybe you can still save them.

⭒----⭒

That afternoon, you attend your training in the labs as usual, then dinner with Elle and bed. The next morning, you're ready to go.

"I'd like to request a meeting with Assistant Director Janson," you tell the receptionist on your floor.

Within an hour, you're knocking on the door to his office and walking in, shoes clicking on marble floors. "Ah, Y/n. It's been a while."

"It has," you agree. "I've come today to ask to be allowed out in the City."

"Really," he raises his eyebrows. "And why's that?"

"At the start of all this, you said you could reward my sister and I with a lot if I told you how to find Thomas and everyone."

"You don't think you've been given a lot already?"

"I have, and I'm very grateful," you say. "But I'd like to move my sister out of here when she's given clearance by the doctors. And, I want to go out early to scope out the City, you know, get a better feel for it before we move out."

"Will you still be working with us? Wendy says you have a lot of potential," he responds, referring to Dr Liu.

"I will, and I've seen the trains from my window. I'll make the commute in to work here from wherever my sister and I decide to live."

He hums for a bit, eyeing you from the other side of the desk.

"I'm happy to go out with guards for the first few days, if you don't trust me," you say with a casual shrug.

“That’s fine. I’ll have guards escort you just on your first trip, only so you don’t get lost.”

“Sounds good,” you say, holding in your sigh of relief.

“Before you go, there was something else I wanted to ask you about. I’m going to be visiting your friends soon. I’m sure you’ve heard by now about how they’re helping further our cause. Would you like to join me to meet them?”

His baiting style is old now. You shake your head. “No, thanks. I’m trying to move on with my life now,” you tell him.

“Right, a good choice.” He believes you. “Well then, I’ll call some guards now for today’s trip.”

⭒----⭒

Over the next few days, you wander the streets of the City alone, without the masked guards watching your every move after the first trip.

You’re trying to figure out how to communicate with the rebels.

While exploring one afternoon, you see strange marks near a sewer entrance. They look like boot marks. You grab a torch from your backpack and drop down into the sewer.

You quickly click your torch off when you see someone else’s light up ahead, but you’re too late. “Who’s there?” a male voice calls out.

Screw subterfuge and subtleness, you decide.

You click your torch back on. “My name is Y/n and I’m here to find you. I want to help you get into the City. In return, I need your help to save my friends. They’re trapped inside WCKD headquarters.”

One of the rebels scoffs at you, but the other one speaks up. “Interesting… Alright then, follow us.”

You end up being driven to the rebel base. When you arrive, the people that brought you in lead you to some sort of main office. They knock on the door, and then leave you there alone.

“Come in,” a voice sounds from inside.

You cautiously open the door and step in. The room is shrouded in darkness, but you see the silhouette of a man, with a masked guard on either side of him.

“So you think you can get us in,” says the man.

“That’s right,” you say, and you quickly outline your plan for him. “Do you think that could work?”

“Interesting,” he muses. “And all you need in return is…”

“My friends. Newt, Thomas, Minho- WCKD has six of my friends in their compound. I need at least one person to help me get them out.”

“Wait,” one of the guards interrupts, stepping forward. The man, Lawrence, gives a warning growl. Like, he actually growls.

The guard speaks anyway. “What are the names of your friends? All of them?”

You list out all your friends’ names.

“Impossible,” whispers the guard.

“What?” you ask.

“I was in the Maze with them, I’m Gally.” He lifts the mask off his face.

“You knew them? Holy fuck.”

Gally turns to Lawrence. “I’ll go with Y/n on their mission. You and the rest of the group can enact the second stage of their plan.”

“Well,” Lawrence drags out the word. “Alright then. Get things ready on your end,” he says to you. “We’ll prepare for your plan. Gally, get them a communicator. Y/n, call us when you’re ready.”

You nod, and take the communicator from Gally, who leads you out of the room.

“You really know Thomas and Minho and everyone?” he asks, expression unreadable.

“I do,” you say. “How come you weren’t with them?”

He sighs. “Here, I’ll drive you back, and I’ll tell you everything.”

Over the drive, Gally summarises everything, including how he was possessed or stung or something, killed a boy, almost got killed by Minho, and then found by the rebels.

“Jeez,” you say when he’s finished. “That all sounds insane.”

“Yeah,” he agrees. “So what’s your story?”

You hesitate for a bit. “It’s actually my fault that they’re with WCKD,” you admit, and then you explain all of it.

Gally is surprisingly understanding, given that you gave up his friends to WCKD.

“I’m not gonna tell you you did a good thing,” he says bluntly. “But I can see why you did it. Your sister and everything, it makes sense. There wasn’t another way.”

“Thank you,” you say as he drops you off at the sewers. “I’ll call you guys to get the plan moving.”

You wave as he departs, and you start the walk back to the compound.

⭒----⭒

You take an elevator up to the science wing, wanting to get some study in before going to bed.

You’re making your way to your usual room when you hear a commotion down a hallway. You walk faster as you follow the noise.

“Stop! Just leave him alone!” You freeze as you turn and hear Thomas’ voice. “Haven’t you put us through enough?”

You step closer. If you turned the corner, you’d be in the same corridor as them.

“Fine, take them back.” You hear Janson’s commanding tone. “But you’re next tomorrow, Thomas.”

Footsteps start moving towards you. Shit, shit, fuck. Where can you go? You’re turning to the elevators when Janson rounds the corner... And Aris and Thomas are right behind him.

"...Y/n?" Fuck.

Hi everyone, thanks for reading!

I had a little trouble with this chapter cause it got way too long, and I kept trying to pace it faster so I could finish up the story in 2 chapters, so it's a little messy.

But, I've ended up splitting this chapter into 2 separate parts, and so this story's probably gonna end up with 3-4 chapters total.

Unfortunately this chapter was a lot of filler and background/set up - sorry about that, but I promise the payoff will be worth it in the end

Part 3 will be up soon since it's basically already been written, I just decided to cut it out of this chapter

@regulus-black-223048 ❤

If anyone wants to be tagged for next chapter just lmk

#the maze runner #tmr newt #newt x you #newt x reader #my writing

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i-luv-carl-grimes · 9 months

Text

𝔅𝔩𝔞𝔠𝔨 𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔡𝔞𝔶𝔰

S1 Ep5

Stars

Warning: abuse, language and lots of valance as well as gore if you are younger then 14 please don't read

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Even though everyone was trying to hide themselves from the rain I still sat in the same place having the summer rain come down drenching me that peace didnt last long though, just a few minutes. "Alright Rayne go change your clothes your all wet and covered in dirt," Lori said and I nodded

She lead me into hers and Carl's tent then handed me my other outfit (purple shirt one) and I quickly changed not letting my gun leave my sight, I walked out and Lori took my clothes. "I'll put them with Carl's laundry," she said and I nodded. "Here kid," Daryl said and threw a gun holster at me, it was brown and a bit scuffed I nodded and put it around my waist, it was lose and hung off my hip but whatever, I put my gun in the holster when Carl walked over to me, "mom never lets me touch a knife let alone a gun, you still haven't told me how old you are" he said and once again for the 15 millionth time handed me that stupid note pad. 'It's not important, you're not gonna know me for long' I handed it to him and his smile faded. "More talk about leaving, you have a good chance here and you're just a kid there's no way you could live on your own!" he said each word that came out made me cringe. 'watch me' he let out, and annoyed sigh. "please? just for a little while" he said, 'your people dont need another mouth to feed,'. "what if your family comes back?" he said and his words ran through my head. "Carl I think that's enough give her some space," Lori said but Carl didn't listen. "you know, I still think my dads out there" he started but I sat up and stomped away.

if I stay quiet it'll go away.

Carl's pov:

did I say something wrong? "Carl hair cut get over here!" my mom yelled and I groaned I hated getting my hair cut, it was so annoying, but mom never let me grow it out, unfair right? "you know if you didn't move so much this would be easier," my mom said as she harshly moved my head back in place. "you know what really sucks? when you start shaving then you be wishin' for one of you mamas hair cuts," Shane said. "ill believe it when I see it," I said and he let out an airy laugh. "I'll tell you what, you get through this with some manly dignity, and tomorrow I will teach you somethin' special, I'll teach you to catch frogs, and trust me that is not something to be takin' lightly I'm willin' to share my secrets its a one time offer," he said. "why do we need frog?" I asked. "ever eat a frog leg?" he asked. "eww!" I replied. "he's right ew," mom said. "we get down on the last of that girls supplies you'll be lovin' those frog legs, lady, dont listen to her man, me and you we'll be heroes man feeding all these folks you and me Shane an-" "can Rayne come too?" I asked cutting him off but my question was left unanswered as the sound of an alarm went off in the distance.

Rayne's pov:

I was walking back to camp when I heard an alarm go off, that walk turned into a run, I knew something bad was going to happen when I got back to camp I seen everyone hugging with people I had never seen before, I looked at Carl and saw that he was crying then, a middle-aged man with curly hair walked out. "dad!" Carl screamed and ran over to him Lori followed as they all sobbed in each other's arms. everyone watched with the people they loved, while I just stood there alone. I looked down trying to hide the tear that had fallen from my cheek, I'm still so weak

it was night and everyone was sitting around the campfire, except me, I didn't want them to see me as a part of there group, after all, I wasn't, sure it was cold but I can handle worse. Ed and Shane started arguing about shit I would care less about, one thing I did know was that I didn't like Ed, that look he had, it was the look that my father would give before hitting me, or even just beating me, the look of complete disregard of what you're doing. it was probably the same look I gave my sister...before it was over.

everyone was settling down for the night, except me I was still outside sitting on top of Dale's Rv looking at the stars when a heard a shuffle and someone climbing up the later I gripped my knife just to see 2 familiar baby blue eyes I sighed and turned back around he then sat down next to me. "mom said you should get some rest" he said then like ALWAYS handed me that stupid notepad. 'ok' I handed it back to him. "please?" he pushed. 'what do you want from me? can't you just leave me alone,' I watched the way his face dropped and for some odd reason it hurt I then took the notepad. 'i'm 9' i wrote answering his question from earlier, I saw his smile come back. "I'm 10," he said then got up and walked down the ladder and back to his tent.

soon after I got up and walked to their tent the only thought on my mind was. 'did I just trust that kid with my age...he's just gonna die, save yourself the trouble'

I walked in and Lori pointed to a spot next to a sleeping Carl.

I didn't sleep that well, every time I closed my eyes the image of my family appeared in my head, but hopefully tonight will be the night I don't wake up from

#carl grimes #carl the walking dead #the walking dead #twd carl #chandler riggs #carl x reader #twd x reader #chandler riggs x reader #fanfic #fanfiction

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yanderelovlies · 2 years

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What if s/o is a person who doesn't feel empathy and is horribly bitter, cold and very quiet with jack and other people but he has a friend and with him it's the opposite it's as if his "friend" were his sun his hope his Alegria always smiles with him in a genuine way and those things, in short, are the most important thing for s/o, so s/o treats Jack like…shit, I don't know how to explain it, he doesn't treat him badly and Jack is important to s/o, but he doesn't treat him very differently from the others either. people with him is friendly and usually makes small talk but he is also closed and very distant from jack since he does not know how to show affection (?) to someone other than his "lifelong friend of s/o" and parenting from her parents she wasn't the best and they kept her away from other people and for that reason alone she can't understand jack or know what he wants (but it's not because of his personality since his "friend" has a cheerful enthusiastic personality full of of energy) and he regrets it because he wants she and jack are closer and she just doesn't know how.

I don't know if this is happy anguish? but i know this is so long and confusing i'm so sorry something might be misspelled since english is not my main language i'm sorry again too you know you can ignore this take care and congratulations on 100 followers✨!

I think i get the concept of your request, but if I'm wrong and this isn't what you had in mind let me know and ill rewrite it.

Also thank you! I'm so happy we reached 100 i feel so loved

It has always been hard for you to be empathetic towards others. When you were younger you tried desperately to fit in with everyone else, but with your emotional block you couldn't. It bothered you when you were little, but as you got older you didn't mind it too much. Shaun was the only real friend you had and you didn't mind that you didn't need anymore friends.

Or so you thought until Sunny Day Jack just literally popped into your life. He is a very Happy-Go-Lucky kind of guy, and you weren't sure why but that made you upset. So the relationship started off pretty rocky. Everytime he tried to get close to you or be friendly to you, you would push him away or simply ignore him.

At first he tried to be patient, and understanding. It might have been very shocking to have some random guy pop into your life out of nowhere. However, if you just gave him a chance he would show you how good he can be for you! Since him just sitting there wasn't helping he decided to try harder. He started doing chores you didn't like, gave you compliments throughout the day,and he started helping you in any way. Nothing worked though, and he couldn't figure it out! IT WAS DRIVING HIM CRAZY

You on the other hand were slowly starting to open up to him in your own little way. Since you were still unsure about your emotions, your attitude towards him never changed. You thought it was normal by now, and thought nothing of it. You would occasionally have normal conversation with you, but as soon as he started complimenting you or acting noce you fall back into what you're used to. You weren't sure what you were supposed to do, so you turned to the only person you could trust. Shaun.

Eventually with the help of Jack's near disappearance, and talking to Shaun you were able to sit down with Jack and explain everything to him. He listens to everything you have to say before speaking. Once you finish speaking he takes a deep breath, looks you in the eyes and apologizes. He was sorry that he didn't notice it sooner, and that you have gone this long without the help you needed.

Once the conversation is over he will urge you to seek a therapist. He WANTS you to be able to feel emotions, it makes him sad to see how zombie like you can be at times. However, if you don't feel comfortable going to one yet he will help you the best he can. He will explain emotions to you, and what it feels like to feel them. He explains it all in a child-like manner, but if you don't like it he will try his best to change his wording.

No matter how long it will take he will be with you every step of the way. He loves you and can't wait for you to be able to feel that love…..and return it.

#x reader #sunny day jack #something's wrong with sunny day jack #swwsdj #something's wrong with sunny day jack x reader #sunny day jack x reader #swwsdj x reader #yandere x reader

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damonjuicyscock · 2 years

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Pictures of You-Epilogue (90's Liam Gallagher X Reader)

Pairing: 00's Liam Gallagher X Reader

Warnings: Language (as per usual), angst (Liam being beaten up in Munich d'you know what I mean?), fluff, maybe a few spelling mistakes.

Words: 2141

Summary: You are Oasis's official photographer and Liam Gallagher's wife. The Munich incident happens and Liam 30's are approaching...

A/N: Heya ! Hope you're all doing fine. Here is the Epilogue *Sigh* This fan fic meant a lot to me as I put a part of my illnesses in it. I hope you enjoyed it. I start writing the Noels one, but it won't come yet, so I publish some requested oneshots during at least 2 weeks.

I also decided to establish a new little something. There will now be 3 requested oneshots per month and on the fourth week, there will be one of mine. Also, once per month you'll be able to ask questions, anything you want, I've got nothing to hide ! The first Ask me will start this weekend!

Anyway, enjoy this epilogue, love y'all

(Yes, these are THE pictures from when he got arrested)

2002:

Two years had passed, and Liam was about to turn 30.

We had another son the year before, that we called Gene.

I was my husband’s and sons superhero. Being a mom of two and Oasis’s official photographer at the same time gave me this title.

Noel and Meg had divorced, she claimed that Noel had cheated on her with his new girlfriend, which wasn’t true at all. Noel would never have cheated on her.

I was sad in a way, even if I was still seeing Meg on my side.

After Gene’s birth, I was forced to go to Saint Ann’s again, having a big post-partum depression. And I attempted to my life once again.

But Liam and all my in-law family were a big support, and I got better.

And Liam also was a hero to my eyes, because he managed to take care of a 2 year old toddler and of a 3 months baby.

And as per usual, after a relapse, I was rising for the ashes like a damn phoenix.

But Liam still could act like a kid.

I think you probably heard about Munich 2002. Damn, I hated when things were going like this, but after all, I married a rock star.

December 1st 2002- Munich:

After the gig, while I came back to the hotel, exhausted to take care of my children, Liam, Alan and two of their friends went to party in the nightclub attached to the hotel. Liam started flicking peanuts at the wrong table. The men receiving these peanuts actually were members of a local mafia.

Their leader knocked out two bodyguards with a brass standing ashtray and Liam kept repeating he was just messing around and laughing. But Liam still kept forgetting that his humour wasn’t to everyone’s taste.

These mafia locals were researched by the police and thanks to Liam, this night, they were arrested. But Liam, Alan and their friends also were, because my dear husband decided to assault a police officer who was trying to pull other people apart. Liam was a bit hurt, losing his front teeth in the fight.

I received a phone call at 3am, which woke Gene up and caused him to start crying.

I didn’t answer the phone and went to pick my son. It also woke Lennon up, hearing his brother cry.

Mama…

It’s okay Lennon, I’m taking Gene with me, you can sleep love.

Kiss? He asked, holding out his little arms to me

Of course, sweetie.

I kissed his forehead and caressed his head.

Sleep tight. I said with a smile

I went back to my part of the suite and the phone rang again.

While I was breastfeeding Gene, I answered the call.

Hallo? I tried in German

Hey love, it’s me. I heard Liam say

Liam it’s 3 am. Did you forget your key or? I asked, fed up

Not exactly, I’ve been arrested by the cops, can ye pick me up at the police station please? Bring me chequebook

Oh for fuck’s sake, wat have you done again?

Love, I’d like to chat with ye but I don’t have the fucking time for this shit so just come please. He mumbled

Okay, just give me the time to take the kids to Noel or Maggie and to take a taxi.

I didn’t even listen to what he said next and hang up.

As the band’s manager, Maggie had to come with me. So we went to knock at Noel’s door. When he saw us with Lennon and Gene, he immediately understood.

Oh fer fuck’s sake, what did he do again? He asked, his arms crossed

Got arrested. We’re going to pick them up at the police station.

Them?

Alan got arrested too. Maggie answered

Fer fuck’s sake… Okay, I won’t make any comments ‘bout that. Give me me nephews, ye know I’ll take care of them.

I know, sorry Noely.

It’s not yer fault Y/N.

When we arrived at the police station, the police officers did not let us see Liam nor Alan.

Listen guys, I’m Liam Gallagher’s wife, why don’t you let me see him?

We’re waiting for the bloodtest results madam.

What bloodtest?

Madam, your husband is drunk and aggressed one of our colleagues, he broke a lot of furniture, and I can guarantee he was the worst between them all.

How long do we have to wait? Maggie asked

2 or 3 hours.

2 or 3 hours?!

Yes, I’m sorry madam Gallagher. You can take the seats here and a coffee machine is at your disposal.

I sighed.

We waited. I was so exhausted I fell asleep with my head on Maggie’s shoulder.

She woke me up at 6 am.

Y/N, Liam will be free in less than an hour.

Alright.

We have his bloodtest results.

So?

Promise me to remain calm.

Cut the shit and tell me Maggie.

Well, as you already know, he was drunk as fuck. But he also has been tested positive to cocaine.

I’m sorry, what?

Yes, I know Y/N. I know he promised.

He had promised me he had stopped snorting cocaine. He lied to me again. And he would hear about it.

Liam was free 37 minutes after. He approached me, his arms open. I pushed him away.

Do you really think I’m going to let you touch me William? I said dryly

Why are ye so cold?

Seriously?

Huh guys, I’m going to call a taxi. Maggie said, ill at ease when seeing us argue

What’s yer fucking problem Y/N?

Really Liam? The results of your fucking bloodtest!

Oh c’mon Y/N, I was just partying!

Oh so being arrested is partying for you? Is this the model you want to show to our sons?

Oh fuck off, they’ll never know about that!

Because you think our kids are dumb and blind? Don’t you think they see you being high and drunk? Don’t you think they realize it?

Oh shut yer cake’ole Y/N, can’t we just go back to the hotel? I want to fucking sleep.

No Liam. You will sleep, but I’m going back to London and I’m taking the boys with me.

What the fuck are ye saying? Nah, yer staying with me.

No Liam, I can’t. I don’t want you to approach Lennon and Gene as long as you won’t calm down on alcohol and stop cocaine as you promised. You lied to me Liam you betrayed my trusted in you!

C’mon Y/N, I don’t want us to get bad again.

You should have thought about this before Liam.

And what about your job?

I didn’t think about this. I only was thinking about my children.

And what solution do you have?

Help me… Let’s call me mum, she’ll take the boys with her until the end of the tour. But please, don’t leave me.

We can’t call Peggy each time you fuck up. Liam, you’re a father and an adult, you must become responsible.

I know, but one last time, please Y/N.

I thought and sighed.

One last time for this as well Liam. From now on and until you get better, only beers, cigarettes and joints. Nothing else. You have to behave correctly. You might be a rock star, but this rock star is now a husband and a father. And you piss off your wife, kids, brother and band. Time for you to be a cool rockstar.

Already am, me.

I want you to be cooler and better.

You may think I had or have high expectations; this isn’t the case. Is wanting to have a healthy relationship, keeping your husband alive the longest time possible and wanting your children to have a clean and responsible father being a high expectation?

For Liam, it wasn’t. He respected everything we talked about, everything I asked after that. I wasn’t spying him if that’s what you’re wondering. He just loved us enough.

His 30th birthday was quickly approaching. I had no idea of what I could do.

But I had his gift. A 10-year-old gift.

Some kind of rewind.

September 21st 2002- London:

For the first time, Liam wanted to spend his birthday at home. He would be absent for an hour or two at 6pm to have a beer with his friends but would come back home early.

I was nervous at the idea of giving him this 10 years old gift.

Wine? No. A child? What the fuck! 10 albums full of pictures I took the past 10 years? Yes. My work compiled in 10 albums, one for each year.

10 albums that would have seen our story grow, like us.

When he arrived, a big box wrapped in gift wrap was waiting for him on the table.

Wow, what the fuck is that?

Your birthday gift. Happy birthday darling.

I don’t know what he was waiting for because he kept staring at it, as if he was in shock.

Are you going to stay like this or are you going to open it?

Oh yea, soz.

He sat and tore of the wrapping paper. He opened the box.

Huh… thank you? I don’t like to read ye know that.

I rolled my eyes.

Open the said first book before speaking you twat.

He opened the book, reading the first page, which was corresponding to my inscription.

“My dear love, 10 albums for the 10 years we’ve been going through. 10 years of laugh, cries and…pictures of you. And the band, of course. But here it’s just you. You and me. You and me and Lennon. You and me and Lennon and Gene. Yeah, I quoted a The Cure song… on purpose. I find it very accurate to define us and the past 10 years. Happy birthday Liam.”

He flipped through the next few pages, taking care to observe each picture. The 1992 album, then the following ones.

I saw him wipe a few tears from time to time and laughed for some pictures.

And when he arrived at the end of the last album, he read the few sentences I wrote.

“Once upon a time, you made me listen to a very beautiful song where you seemed to tell me “Stand by me, nobody knows the way it’s gonna be.” And today, I can myself answer after my works that…

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you That I almost believe that they're real I've been living so long with my pictures of you That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel

Remembering you standing quiet in the rain As I ran to your heart to be near And we kissed as the sky fell in, holding you close How I always held close in your fear Remembering you running soft through the night You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow You screamed at the make-believe, screamed at the sky And you finally found all your courage to let it all go

Remembering you, fallen into my arms Crying for the death of your heart You were stone white, so delicate Lost in the cold You were always so lost in the dark Remembering you how you used to be Slow drowned, you were angels So much more than everything Hold for the last time then slip away quietly Open my eyes, but I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words I could have held on to your heart If only I'd thought of the right words I wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you But I never hold on to your heart Looking so long for the words to be true But always just breaking apart My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more Than to feel you deep in my heart There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more Than to never feel the breaking apart My pictures of you”

Liam came to me and held me tight, sobbing.

Thank ye Y/N, this is the greatest and the best gift someone has ever made for me and offered me.

I love you Li’

Oh how I fucking love you too.

These are my favourite things in the world.

Wot?

You, our family, my job, and my pictures of you.

#liam gallagher oneshot #liam gallagher fanfic #90's liam gallagher #liam and noel #liam gallagher fluff #liam gallagher smut #noel gallagher x reader #oasis band #oasis #Spotify

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