hate is a strong word
summary: you hated Bucky and you were convinced that he hated you back. until one time he was talking to you and it started to sound... lovely? what was happening?
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: 6k
warnings: some bad words, a lot of arguments, a HUGE flashback, a little bit of angst i think? bucky and reader insult each other, reader doesn't like to listen, bucky is easily angered, bucky likes to destroy things when he gets angry but regrets it easily, this is not exactly a healthy relationship(? descriptions of weapons, missiles and buildings being bombed, reader is also very stubborn and likes to put her life at risk… or so.
note: hi guys!! so i came back and i am kinda proud of this one. i think i haven't felt that way in a long time. i gave myself the time to write when i felt like it and it was wonderful, so this came out. also i put the poll for a whole week and i can't change it now >:(, but i think this onsehot fits the angst with a happy ending (im not sure if this fits the angst tho, you gotta tell me) but im gonna try to do something else that fits the vibe, and i'll probably do some other poll to write about someone else. (also i think i should warn you guys that i dont think im that good writing action scenes or tension scenes, so if that's bad i hope you forgive me): anyway, hope you guys like this one!! i love reading your comments so if you want and can, please leave some <33 love you all and see you next time!
part 2
Bucky was really pissing you off too much at that moment. Or maybe you were feeling a little uncomfortable.
He hadn't spoken a single word to you since you had arrived at that tiny house, only shrugged silently and then exploded. You had seen Bucky explode several times before and you admitted that watching him was somewhat entertaining; seeing the faces of frightened people, trying to flee away from his angry face and destructive hands, but physically forced to stand by and listen to his scolding. You used to have fun with that. However, at the time, when you were the extreme recipient of that anger, it wasn't so much fun.
You had already heard a couple of broken glass, shattered wood and metal containers fall to the ground. Maybe five minutes or so had passed and he was barely pausing to look at his artwork. It wasn't too much that he had taken and thrown while you had stayed in the room, but it had all sounded very loud, so you had no choice but to go out and see what he was doing.
You were leaning against the threshold of the hallway to the bedrooms, right across from the living room and kitchen. Bucky looked like he had just finished getting all his anger out when he finally stood silently. He probably thought you were asleep while he was doing all that, as if that sound couldn't wake you up. Was he really that angry about what you had done? You mean, yes, it was very risky, but there you were alive, weren't you?
You felt the best thing you could do was to stay quiet and wait for him to say or do something, because you could risk that angry outburst really coming down in your face. For that moment he had only taken it out on the house, which had nothing to do with your problems, and you didn't want the arguments to start filling the silence that followed his stillness.
But, well, you didn't always do the right thing. That's why you were in that situation in the first place.
“Are you done yet?” you signed your sentence.
Bucky had a tense posture, squared shoulders moving in rhythm with his accelerated breathing. His back was to you, staring at the kitchen counter that had been left completely empty. You knew by the way he was clasping his hands that he was trying to maintain his composure.
“Are you serious?” his voice came out hoarse, a sign of his growing anger.
Maybe you should have stopped there, or when he continued to not turn to look at you, but you just couldn't keep your mouth shut.
“What's your problem, Barnes? Yes, I took a chance, but it's not that big of a deal. It's not for this,” you pointed to the mess around you, even though he wasn't looking at you.
“It's not a big deal, you say?” Bucky moved and you felt yourself watching his angry figure move in slow motion. “What's your problem?”
His beady eyes met yours. You felt a little intimidated by the ripples of annoyance coming off his body, filling the entire room with an unbearable, suffocating tension. His scowl and that strangely calm tone of voice made your hair stand on end.
None of the pieces of glass or splintered wood on the floor looked as dangerous as that expression on Bucky's face. He looked very angry, yes, but there was also something in his eyes when he looked at you. Something like concern… but that was impossible.
“Really, Y/N, what's your problem? Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Now, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I was the mission leader!” his voice rose, his body moving forward as he pointed his index finger at himself. “And you were supposed to follow my orders.”
“I did, Barnes, I-”
“No,” he exclaimed, again moving closer. “You didn't do anything I asked you to do! Why can't you just…? Argh.”
You moved back a little as he planted his hands on the dining room table. You felt a little pressure in your chest at the sight of him like this, as if defeated and hopeless. Disappointed. But that was a common thing. That's why you used to have individual missions, and that's why you didn't really like working in a team. You mean, it wasn't wrong to do it, but everything always ended up in arguments because nobody liked the way you worked, so it was better to do it alone, right?
Seeing Bucky like that reminded you of how many times you had seen that look on the faces of Steve, Natasha, Tony, Clint, even Thor… It was never welcome nor were you comfortable with what was coming next, but it was the way you worked, how could you change out of nowhere something you had done your whole life?
Maybe you just had to apologize, sometimes that worked. Because you also knew that, knowing how bossy and caring Bucky was, you should have at least held back a little during the mission. Bucky's patience couldn't stand that sort of thing.
“Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I was a little careless, but that's how-”
“A little careless?” he interrupted you, his voice and face incredulous. "You almost got yourself killed."
“We're in this job under that risk, Barnes, that's not news.”
The man in the middle of the mess ran his hands over his face, elated, frustrated and surely overwhelmed. He let out a sound somewhere between a snort and a growl before turning back to look at you.
“Why can't you just listen?”
His accusing gaze enlarged a hole in your chest that you constantly tried to ignore, planting bitter feelings of sadness that you were usually very good at avoiding. But at that moment, for some reason, you couldn't stop your face from twitching at the strong, hurt tone of the man who looked at you as if he couldn't believe who you are and what you do. It seemed like Bucky was always in denial and today he realized that what everyone always told him was true.
That look, that dull gleam in his eye, that expression of understanding… All of that you were used to seeing, but coming from him it felt different. As if you hadn't really meant to cause those feelings, as if you wanted to turn back time to do things differently. The surprisingly incredulous and remorseful look was digging deep into your head, searing itself with hot iron to make sure to haunt you in the future.
At that moment you didn't care if Bucky realized how much his words affected you. Maybe you deserved to feel that way. Maybe he should have known that it affected you too much, that would surely do more than an apology.
“If only you had listened to me, we would have left sooner and without any trouble,” Bucky spoke again after what felt like hours of silence.
You couldn't take him back. It was true.
“Why did you…? Argh. Whatever. I'm going to report to Fury.”
His figure passed you like a blur. You barely felt his presence very superficially before all was silent again.
Your heart ached again. For some reason, it wouldn't stop hurting that it was still beating.
The day before.
“WHAT?” you exclaimed in disbelief and the director's tired look reappeared.
“It's already scheduled, Y/N, I can't undo it. So just go, try to cooperate together and come back in one piece,” Fury leaned back against the back of the chair, putting his feet up on the desk.
You looked at his shoes as if they were to blame for everything.
“It's funnier to think Bucky reacted the same way,” Tony spoke up, sitting in the chair next to yours, a mocking expression on his face.
“Shut up,” you smacked his arm before turning back to the director. “Sir, you know Barnes and I don't get along and knowing that, what makes you think we'll hit it off on a mission?”
Fury shrugged. “A hunch.”
“A hunch…?” you repeated in a low tone, twice as incredulous that the big SHIELD director had just said that.
“That's it, agent, you're dismissed.”
You left his office on your own, not because you had been dispatched. The walk to the housing complex took you longer than ever at that point.
You'd only had one mission with Bucky Barnes once a couple of years ago and it had been a disaster. Your group missions usually ended with a close call, but that time with Bucky it was like going to hell and back.
You two had never gotten along. Regardless of Fury's hundreds of attempts to get along, you had never managed to vibrate on the same frequency. It seemed more like you repelled each other every time you were together, and it was totally justified because Bucky was too bossy and wouldn't let you breathe for a single second. Every second of the mission had to be ruled by him because otherwise he was going to explode into a sea of rage and, God, no one wanted to piss Bucky off in that Complex. However, you were always the first to tell him that his tactics weren't working or that he was too slow and well, naturally, you ended up arguing.
You met Natasha and Steve halfway to the rooms and from the way they both looked at each other before the redhead approached you knew you must surely have a scrunched up face.
“Did something happen?” Natasha asked as soon as she reached your side and started walking at the same pace as you, slightly more hurried than usual.
“Fury assigned me a mission with Barnes,” you spat out the good news, impossibly frowning harder at the mention of that name.
“Oh,” Natasha nodded. “Well, you could try to work things out-”
“What things, Natasha?” you paused, turning to look at her as everything around you turned red. “There's nothing to fix here, because Barnes is a stubborn, obstinate, childish, bossy, stupid man who is incapable of speaking like a civilized adult and only knows how to shout orders everywhere as if he's the bossy one in the Complex. I can't stand him!”
“Wow.”
You heard his voice.
“I hope you know the feeling is reciprocated.”
You turned to see him, his body was leaning against the island at the entrance to the kitchen, in a strategic spot as if you could never realize he was there because your path was to the other side. Natasha watched between the two of you like a tennis match, fearful as if at any moment the screaming would start and she would have to run away.
You didn't know what to do. You were super angry, yes, and you felt your blood boiling inside your veins, too. And you'd said all that stuff to Bucky's face before, and God knows how many times before you'd argued just by seeing each other in the halls of the Complex. Despite that, you felt trapped. The anger was still there, yes, but his gaze pierced through you like a sword.
“Believe me, I don't want to go on this mission with a stubborn, obstinate, headstrong, ignorant, individualist like you either, who cares not for the safety of the team but for her own victory, no matter how she achieves it.”
With his eyes sharp, his heavy footsteps approached you, echoing in your head loudly like the second hand of a clock. He had stopped at a safe distance as he spoke and at one point Natasha had grabbed your arm when it seemed you had tried to approach him as well.
“You're a hypocrite,” you spat at him.
“Ha! Me?”
“You always play the saintly dove, but you know you're not much different from me.”
“I'm nothing like you,” Bucky wrinkled his face, as if the very thought caused him to shiver with disgust.
“You're an individualist, too, imposing your plans on others.”
“You never have a plan! What do you expect me to do, let you go and die?”
“I do have plans! But you don't like them because they are more effective than yours.”
“They're more effective at the cost of risking more of our lives.”
“That's what our job is all about!”
“Our job is about protecting! How are you going to accomplish a mission if you're dead?”
“Well, I've done pretty well so far, in case you haven't noticed.”
“If I had a nickel for every time you've gone airhead straight into danger and ended up nowhere near dead, I'd have as much money as Stark.”
“And if I had a nickel for every time your stupid, slow plans have caused you to lose sight of the target and made you come back empty-handed, I'd be twice as rich as Stark.”
“At least my kill rate is minus five.”
“And my hit rate is one hundred by the way.”
“Are you even listening to what you're saying?”
“That I always finish missions on the first try, unlike you?”
“That you're treating your life like it's something insignificant.”
“Ah, now you care about my life?”
Natasha tightened her hand around your forearm again preventing you from again getting too close to the man who was getting on your nerves. Before he could respond, you spoke again:
“Look, Barnes, to make it absolutely clear to you for the rest of your long life: I love my life and I love my job. I love my life because it allows me to have this job and I love my job because it allows me to have this life. If you have a problem with how I choose to do the job, that's just that, your problem. But don't think you're coming here to give me a psychology lesson to make me believe that I don't value my life just because now you've run out of arguments. It's because I value my life, Barnes, that I always come out of every mission unscathed. I don't put myself at risk because I'm oblivious. I always have everything figured out and that's why everything always works out for me.”
Bucky snorted, his body moving away from yours, but despite that expression on his face he didn't respond again. He gave you a sidelong glance before walking back into the kitchen.
Your shoulders felt a little lighter. For a moment you thought he was going to continue arguing.
Natasha next to you sighed, finally letting go of your forearm.
“Why did you hold me so tight?” you frowned at her, rubbing the part of your skin that was slightly red. “Did you really think I was going to fight a super soldier?”
Natasha shrugged under your gaze.
“We've known you to do crazy things.”
“I wouldn't have stood a chance of beating him even if he gave me the upper hand.”
Five hours earlier.
You hadn't seen Bucky for the rest of the day after that discussion, until the next day when you had to get on the Quinjet and didn't even glance at each other.
Steve was in charge of handling the airplane and, apparently, he was also in charge of briefing you on how you were going to proceed on the mission, because Bucky was too busy drilling holes with his gaze somewhere else on the Quinjet away from the two of you.
Neither spoke when you descended nor when you approached the base apparently in a state of abandonment.
Bucky's mission were flat and simple, but as usual he had no backup plan, because all his backup plans were the same: run away. Bucky had a chick's sense of survival, that's why when things went bad was the time when he would scream at you the loudest.
Just like it happened on that mission.
“This place is deadly quiet,” you spoke for the first time, barely earning a sidelong glance from the man next to you.
You had already finished thermo-sensor checking every floor of the building and it was indeed desolate. Still, you felt a strange uncomfortable chill run down your back.
“Well, that's what deserted means,” Bucky commented, his sarcasm sharp.
You rolled your eyes at him, even if he couldn't see you, and kept walking with your gun raised as you approached the checkpoint.
“I mean I can't even hear birds or crickets, doesn't that strike you as odd?”
“Well, we're on the fourth floor, wouldn't it make it stranger if you could hear them at this altitude?”
“Well, you can hear at this height. Tell me, do you hear anything down below?”
Bucky paused. They were a few steps away from reaching the room. His deadly stare caused you nothing but boredom and you would have ignored him completely except that he let out a sigh, dejected. You detailed him minutely as he seemed to focus his hearing on external sounds.
“There's nothing,” he spoke after a few seconds, his brow slightly furrowed.
“You see?”
“But that doesn't mean anything. We'd better finish this quickly.”
Ignoring the grimace on your face, Bucky moved to step into the room whose door was wide open. You stared offended at his back and felt the urge to smack his big head with the butt of your gun.
“Here it is,” you heard him exclaim from inside.
Sighing you made your way to where he stood. A large display of old computers anchored to the wall.
“You should do it yourself,” you looked at Bucky with a smirk. “I don't handle equipment this old.”
Bucky only snorted in response and moved with his gun to another side of the room, leaving you in complete silence to do your job.
You moved quietly and sat down in front of the machines. You plugged them into the power source you brought in your suitcase and in a few minutes they began to work.
The mission was simple. There was one of the old HYDRA bases that contained specific information that Fury needed to find. Up to that point, they had searched about seven abandoned bases without any success. So there you were with Bucky, at the eighth base they had identified, digging through old commands and in another language trying to find the information they needed.
Ever since they left the Complex that morning you were convinced you would find nothing. They had already raided several bases and there were still a few more to go. The probability that you would find that information at that time was…
Bingo.
“Got it,” you exclaimed to Bucky.
You heard his hurried footsteps and then felt the warmth of his body next to you.
“Is that it?”
“Just a folder.”
“And why does it load so slowly?”
“It's an old computer, Bucky, it works at its own pace.”
Bucky gave you a sidelong glance. “Wish you understood me like you understand that thing.”
“Aish,” you pouted by way of mockery. “Jealous, Barnes?”
The aforementioned just snorted.
The load was running at forty percent and truth be told, yes, it was too slow. But you could do nothing but wait, there was no way to speed it up.
Bucky paced back and forth behind you and you just watched the green lines move as if that helped at all. But, well, what else could you do?
At one point, as the charge was about to reach eighty percent, you heard interference on your communicators.
“Argh,” you shook your head and raised your hand to move the device a little away until the sound died down. “Steve?”
There was no response.
You turned to look at Bucky, who had the same quizzical expression.
The interference returned and then you heard Steve's voice distorted.
“… of… moment!”
“What the fuck is he saying?”
Bucky remained silent, tapping the device on his ear as if that would fix it.
But you saw it before you heard Steve's voice again.
A clump of people through the window. A freshly loaded cannon.
“Barnes…”
And at that moment, Steve's voice filled them with clarity.
“It's an ambush! Get out of there now!”
The quickness of the impact didn't let you process what was happening. Less than a second after hearing Steve the ground shook beneath your feet. The cracks in the floor started small and then swallowed you apart.
You held onto a beam, barely lucid enough. You propelled yourself upward, swinging your forearms over the patch of ground that was still intact. You heard Bucky's grunts in the distance. He was surely all right.
You heard him call out to you too, but as soon as you could sit down on the ground, the first thing you did was to reach for the pendrive.
Your heart was pounding, so hard it might as well have flown out on its own. Your breathing accelerated, with adrenaline rushing through your body was the only thing you could feel. At that moment you felt capable of anything.
You stood up quickly to look out the window again. The people were gone and the cannon had been destroyed.
It was at that moment that you realized that Steve was still talking on the communicator.
“I'm fine,” you replied, after being able to decipher his words amidst the constant buzzing from the sound of the explosion and the dizziness you felt at the sight of the hole next to you.
“Okay, you're both fine,” the Captain spoke again.
“Y/N, you can get down from there and get to the floor below. I'll catch you.”
At the sound of Bucky's voice, you moved away from the window.
Bucky had landed on the floor below, and yes, from where you were you could jump up and you'd probably have nothing but a cramp.
“How's it going up there?”
“Well, the shields are holding up okay, but I've got poor vision. I think they're regrouping somewhere else.”
You looked around.
Most of the floor had swallowed up the computers, but the main one was still loading the document. You could see the green from where you were. It was at ninety-seven percent.
But it was dangerous to get too close. The pendrive was dangling from the main computer which was about to succumb to the cracked floor.
There was some concrete left in front of the computers that you could walk across, so, without a second thought, you mapped out a mental guidance plan and moved forward.
“Y/N, what the fuck are you doing?”
“I'm getting the pendrive.”
“What? Are you insane? That side of the floor isn't going to support your weight!”
“Yes it will. I know how to do it.”
You started walking all over the remaining edge of the floor in front of what was left of the computers. Small pieces would break off as you passed causing Bucky to hiss.
“Y/N, you'd better stop and get down right now. There's still a risk of them firing again.”
“I'm gonna get it, Barnes.”
“Y/N! Get down, now!”
Ignoring his command, you held onto the remaining wall in front of you as you continued on your way, almost reaching where the pendrive was, about to fall into the abyss.
Ninety-eight percent.
“Y/N!”
“Fucking hell, Barnes, will you shut the fuck up? Your yelling is breaking my concentration.”
“You want me to just stay quiet while you walk to your certain death?”
“I'm not going to dieee- ahh-”
Your left foot, the one in front, wobbled as a piece of the floor came loose. You clung tightly to the wall as best you could, breathing deeply to calm your racing heart. Panicking at that moment wasn't going to do any good.
“God, I can't believe this,” you heard Bucky's voice, muttering to himself. “Now are you really going to get off?”
His voice sounded reprimanding, but agitated. In the midst of that mess, you wondered for a moment if he was really worried.
“I'm almost there.”
You heard him grunt in the distance.
You kept moving your feet in the direction of the main computer, this time more cautiously and more slowly. The floor all along that edge was too cracked, on the verge of falling. You were surprised it had lasted this long.
At that point, Bucky started talking to Steve, but you kept your full concentration on not falling. Maybe Bucky was right and you really didn't have any regard for your life, but…. No, no. You were very sure of what you were doing. You couldn't give up without trying everything. Maybe for Bucky it was too risky, but that was your life. And you knew you could do it.
Ninety-nine.
You had reached the critical point on the ground.
The voices of the two men were becoming too overwhelming, so you quickly took off your communicator and stuffed it in one of your tactical pants pockets.
“What the fuck did you just do?” Bucky exclaimed, a considerable distance away. He wasn't as far away as you thought.
“Your voices are distracting me!”
Good. You were close. Maybe from there you could reach it… if you stretched a little… a little more… a little- Whoop. Nope. You weren't that close. Another chunk of floor fell and with it everything around you shifted. The concrete was so unstable that it tilted further into the abyss after your not at all incredible maneuver.
You had to get even closer.
You had to use plan c.
But for that, the pendrive had to be one hundred percent charged and you weren't sure you could wait for that. Or well, you weren't sure the floor would hold. You had to be quick.
You heard Bucky behind you, but his words were carried away by the wind. You couldn't focus on him because that would be too distracting.
So, arriving at point x, you executed your plan as quickly as possible.
You ran. Even if the world was falling down, you ran. In the direction of the pendrive. The green number didn't change. You took a deep breath. You felt the sparks fly around you. The sound of the ground cracking was going to haunt you in several dreams.
You picked up the pendrive. You would have a few extra seconds as you leaned over and climbed over the computers to gain momentum.
The bing of the computer filled you with a rush of adrenaline.
One hundred percent.
You jumped. You held your breath for a second. Nerves built up in your throat. You felt like you were going to lose consciousness for a minute. Maybe you heard Bucky in the background, you weren't sure, but knowing him he was probably still scolding you.
In the midst of a deep exhalation…
Your feet hit the ground. You rolled. You moved quickly as you turned to see that the ground was still falling. You got up and ran.
You ran until you collided with a solid body. Bucky was shaking your shoulders.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?" he exclaimed, his face angry.
You could hear Steve's voice through his communicator because of how close he was.
“Shit.”
He grabbed your arm and you ran again.
Somehow, Bucky managed to get you out of the building as they bombed it again. You had a gunfight the moment you touched the cold snow.
You moved alongside Bucky like a symphony, aiming and firing with your gun until you managed to get away.
When you noticed that you kept going and kept running…
“Where's Steve?”
“If you had your fucking communicator on…”
Bucky grabbed your hand again to keep running.
You quickly reached a shack that looked abandoned and the man next to you wasted no time in letting go of you and running in the direction of what appeared to be a garage. There was a motorcycle.
You reached into your pocket only to realize that the communicator had been destroyed.
And Bucky looked too angry to want to talk.
“Get on.”
He drove all the way into town, but he didn't stop there.
You were on the road for at least about two hours. You had no idea where you were.
Somewhere along that trip, Bucky stopped in front of another abandoned shack and from there he pulled out a car. He set the bike on fire.
You went back on the road, for at least another hour.
Until you reached a small town and Bucky finally stopped in front of a house that didn't look so neglected.
“They destroyed the Quinjet's shields at missile point. Steve had to leave. We'll stay here until I can get through to Fury and we know what to do.”
His voice gave no room for retorts.
Present.
Well, yes, you were a bit reckless during missions, but so what? You got what you needed thanks to your incredible action plans and always came out unscathed. If you didn't do that during missions, how far behind would they be now in their knowledge against the enemy? They would probably be sitting ducks. Bucky didn't see that.
You two didn't talk for much of the afternoon and evening. You had spent it in the living room, trying to avoid the mess he had made to get something to eat and rest. You had perhaps slept for about three hours when you woke up and saw him sitting in one of the dining room chairs. The room looked cleaner than before.
Bucky sighed when he realized you had woken up.
“I'm sorry I yelled at you.”
You frowned. “What?”
“Earlier when we arrived. And for all the mess,” he averted his gaze when you leaned on your forearm to get a better look at him.
“Don't you think it was the least you could do?” quizzical, you sat back on the couch.
“Weren't you the one who said I don't know how to talk like a civilized adult?”
You rolled your eyes at him. “Sometimes.”
“Well, now I want to. That's why I deeply apologize for reacting that way.”
You remained silent, not really knowing how to answer him. On the previous mission you'd had with Bucky, when the whole mess was over and you were quietly in the Quinjet taking it all in, Bucky had only said “you're fucking crazy” to you before exiting the aircraft. There was no scolding, at least not from him, no complaining, no yelling. Just that. And with that you stayed for a week because you never even saw him again.
Despite the number of times you had heard that, you couldn't see it that way. That was your job, that was what you did and you didn't dislike it. You had done it forever, it was basically your way of life and you had always done it excellently. You trained and practiced for situations like that, that's why you were part of SHIELD's risk management team for so long. You used to risk your life like that to save other people and it didn't bother you. Now you were still doing it, also to save people. There was no dark reason behind it. You were contributing to a common good and that was enough.
“I guess I haven't made things bearable for you either,” you admitted with a hint of remorse.
“No, never,” Bucky shook his head in agreement.
“I'm sorry I scared you,” the words slipped from your mouth. You wanted to say something else, but, well, that had to work.
Bucky let out a short laugh. His head jerked in sync, his shoulders loose as if he didn't have a care in the world. For a moment you felt like you were somewhere else; maybe in a living room, some alcoholic beverage in one of your hands as one of your favorite songs played softly in the background, and Bucky. Bucky sitting in front of you, just like that moment.
Wow. What the fuck was that?
“You apologize for my reaction, but not for what you did?” his sly grin was getting on your nerves. You preferred it when he wasn't trying to upset you at the point of smirks. You never thought that was a weapon he could use against you.
Feelings.
Ew.
No, I hate Bucky Barnes. This is unacceptable. Mind, get your shit together.
“Well, I tried to do that earlier and you didn't care. I don't know what you want from me, Barnes,” you turned your head away, nonchalantly playing with your hair to avoid seeing those light eyes again.
“You'd better leave it at that. I couldn't take that knack away from you if I tried for years,” the sigh that accompanied his words reminded you of something you'd thought of when you were in the building. His face still looked calm, but a little upset by the wrinkle between his eyebrows.
“Why do you care so much about that?” you asked him directly now that you had the chance.
You looked at him as he turned his head away, his eyes roaming over your face, confused.
“Are you asking me why I care about your life?”
Puzzled, you shrugged. His look almost made you think that was a weird thing to ask, but was it really? “Yes. Well…. You hate me.”
“What? I don't hate you,” Bucky shook his head, his face more contracted than before as if you'd said he had cat ears on his head. He looked almost offended.
And that was the really strange thing.
You mean, almost as long as you'd known Bucky your relationship had been based on fights and demeaning adjectives to each other. That he would say that made even less sense than you asking him why he cared so much about you. He had to be pulling your leg.
“What? But I hate you because you hate me,” you explained vaguely, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. That was one way of putting it; that is to say, Bucky never gave any indication that he didn't hate you. Or well…
“I don't hate you,” Bucky shrugged, his nonchalant expression confusing you that much more. “You're just a little… insufferable sometimes.”
You rolled your eyes. “That's just a synonym for hating.”
“I don't hate you,” he repeated, this time turning to look you in the eye. For a moment you felt like your breath caught in your throat and you were going to choke. “I know we argue and say a lot of things to each other, but… hating is too strong a feeling.”
“Are you really serious?” you shook your head to get the extraneous thoughts out; that wasn't the time to make a discovery, to realize you had lived a lie.
“Yes. And just to make you more sure, I wouldn't mind hanging out with you outside the Complex,” Bucky blurted out, matter-of-factly.
Your head went blank.
“WHAT?”
Several seconds stunned.
Bucky barely cracked a smile at your dumbfounded expression. It sure looked like you'd actually seen cat ears grow on his head. The things he was now saying… they didn't make sense. “You dislike the idea that much?”
“Do you want to not say things so drastically different every moment? You're changing my perception of reality.”
Bucky kept his small smile and you had to swallow hard to ignore the warmth that settled in your chest. It wasn't welcome, not at that moment. The sound of that music in the living room in your head was getting louder, as if your own mind wanted to mock your surprise.
“Well, back to your question,” Bucky moved his hands nonchalantly over his lap and your eyes followed his movement unashamedly, “I don't see why I shouldn't care about your life. We are partners, after all.”
Partners? After all you had been through? Were you partners? Did Bucky believe that?
“Are we?” you didn't try to hide the incredulous tone that accompanied your words, because it already sounded like you'd just stepped through the door into a parallel dimension.
“Sure,” Bucky nodded to emphasize your words and the calm expression on his face became more familiar with each passing second. Could it be that that had always been the reality and you had been deprived of it? “We've known each other for five years.”
“I always thought you hated me…” you mumbled to yourself, looking lost because your head recalling every fight of the last few years, since you met him, every tongue out and every exalted word, but his incredible hearing clearly picked up what you said as if you had murmured it in his ear.
“Surely it was a mistake in communication.”
“Mistake?” you frowned at his reassurance. “You always called me stubborn and childish every chance you got.”
“I thought we were annoying each other. Although, of course,” his face became a little more serious, “there were times when I knew you hated me intensely. You said really hurtful things, what was I supossed to do? That's why I never bothered to talk to you like this. You did hate me.”
“Because I thought you…! Argh.”
Bucky smiled again.
“You're the insufferable one, Barnes.”
You hated the way your head snapped back to that image in the living room, so peaceful and calm, so serene and warm, the moment his barely noticeable smile hit you again. You had barely managed to get those words out of your mouth before you felt yourself running out of breath again.
Were you asthmatic?
And why was your head suddenly filled with platonic thoughts you'd never had before in your life?
What the fuck was happening to you?
“This is the longest civilized conversation we've ever had,” Bucky spoke again, his gaze wandering somewhere in the room.
Yes, that was true. Whenever you talked for this long it was always to argue and say hurtful things to each other. But you were too surprised by everything he had said, because just yesterday he told you that he didn't want to come on this mission with you either and in his eyes you were sure you saw something like what you felt. Something of hatred, when you saw your eyes through his.
Did you just… imagine it all?
Did you think he hated you because you hated him too?
Or maybe you wanted to convince yourself that he hated you. Maybe it was easier to deal with that than with the idea that you…
Oh no.
No, no, no. There's no fucking way that's it.
But then Bucky stood up and with his smug, know-it-all, hateful look, with that sly, evil grin, like he'd always known everything, like he was squirming around enjoying your confused stare, he held out his hand to you and said:
“Shall we fix something to eat?”
Oh, no, you were screwed.
--
a/n: thank u so much for reading!! <3
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no more shots | MV1, LN4
female!reader x max verstappen or lando norris, up to the reader
pov: you’re good friends with the drivers on the grid and after a wild night of celebrating your birthday, you get to relive what happened through watching your stories on instagram. lets just say it was a birthday you’ll never forget.
warnings: alcohol consumption, talk of being intoxicated, reader is completely conscious, mention of kissing/making out, small amount of swearing, i think thats it
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yourusername posted on their story
caption: birthday festivities in full bloom @yourbestfriend, @yoursister, @friend2
╰ lilymhe: girl i cant wait to celebrate tonight
╰ landonorris: hope youre ready for my fire dj skills
╰ yourbestfriend: girl the boys are gonna drool tonight ;)
╰ carmenmmundt: i hope you liked the flowers from george and i !!
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landonorris posted on their story
caption: i went easy on her today cause its her birthday @yourusername
╰ yourusername: & i still lost..it was worth a try
yourusername posted on their story
caption: only here for free drinks 🏌🏼♀️
╰ lilymhe: i hope you still won
╰ yourusername: you know i didn’t but thank you for being optimistic
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yourusername posted on their story
caption: i have the best sister in the whole world 🥹
╰ danielricciardo: max and i helped too..
╰ yourusername: thank you danny, i appreciate you
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yourusername_private posted on their instagram
landonorris, yourbestfriend, yoursister, georgerussell63 & others liked
my mood for today because im realizing how loved i am and its overwhelming
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yourbestfriend: bestie WE only want the best for you
yoursister: sis pull it together, you cant be crying once your makeups done
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yourbestfriend posted on their story
caption: let the drinking begin @yourusername
╰ yourusername: ❤️
yourusername posted on their instagram
maxverstappen1, yoursister, lilymhe, yourbestfriend & others liked
its my birthday if you didn’t know 🍸
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maxverstappen1: happy birthday, tonights gonna be something 🤪
╰ yourusername: you already know it
lilymhe: no one else i want to celebrate more
╰ yourusername: i love you
landonorris: pretty sure the whole world knows
╰ yourusername: and is that a bad thing ?
╰ landonorris: not at all 😉
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carmenmmundt posted on their story
caption: celebrating the sweetest soul 💗 @yourusername @yourbestfriend @yoursister @lilymhe
╰ yourusername: says you..but thank you lovely 🥰
danielricciardo posted on their story
caption: @yourusername first of many shots 😏
╰ yourusername: bring ‘em on 😏
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yourusername_private posted a series of stories on instagram
caption: yes we did this
caption: my lovers @yourbestfriend @friend2
caption: the papaya boys showed up @landonorris @oscarpiastri
caption: the shots continue..
You posted the last story on your private instagram and then locked your phone. Sliding it into your back pocket, you looked around at your apartment where all your friends were scattered about.
You didn’t always love your birthday but ever since becoming friends with the f1 drivers and some of their girlfriends, you’ve adapted a new attitude towards the day as they make being alive more enjoyable and continue to show you how deeply they all care for you.
You turned to your left when you felt someone come stand beside you with their hand resting on the wall next to you, it was Lando “Hey birthday girl, what are you doing over here on the side” he asked looking at you
“Just taking it all in” you smiled at him answering his question. You were close with Lando, you had been right from the minute the two of you met. You both had similar personalities and when the two of you were together it really showed.
“Well let me know when you’re done doing that and we’ll go do another round of shots” he smirked knowing you were a shot type of girl and would almost always shoot back whatever liquid was in a shot glass given to you
“You know me so well” you told him in response before taking his hand and leading him to the table where the alcohol was.
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yourusername posted on their story
caption: let the night commence
yoursister posted on their story
caption: tequila sodas in martini glasses >>> 😍
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yourusername posted on their story
caption: hey look its @maxverstappen1
╰ maxverstappen1: where are you ? we ordered another round of shots
╰ yourusername: near the washrooms
Max read your reply to his question and then set out to find you. You had a bad habit of walking off when you had been drinking and most of the time it was with someone else but sometimes it was by yourself which was why Max was going to look for you now, not wanting anything to happen.
He found you sure enough by the red bull sign near the women’s washroom “Maxieee” you called out once you spotted him “you found me” you smiled at the man
“I sure did, thanks for not moving” he chuckled “Did you already use the washroom or are you waiting?” he asked, figuring that was the reason you were over here “I already went” you told him
“Alright, let's get back to the others then, I believe there’s a round of shots waiting for you” he told you, you smiled wider, you loved your shots.
As you started walking towards him, you slightly stumbled a bit as the floor was a bit uneven but luckily Max was there to make sure you didn’t fall and helped steady yourself. You didn’t even process that his hands were on you holding you in place to regain your balance.
You couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol in your system or the feeling of his hands on you but you could feel yourself getting hot. “You good?” Max asked when you didn’t say anything at first
“Oh yeah, thanks, that would’ve been embarrassing if I had fallen” you joked, brushing off the feeling you experienced a few moments prior. Max still had his hands on you but once he realized, he retracted them and dropped them to his sides
“Don’t worry, there wont be any falling on my watch” he joked back, you just let out a small laugh and then the two of you made your way back to the others.
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lilymhe posted on their story
caption: my favourite dance partner @yourusername
╰ alex_albon: rude
╰ lilymhe: too bad - y/n
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yourusername_private posted on their instagram
pierregasly, landonorris, yourbestfriend, charles_leclerc & others liked
drunk night ft f1 drivers 🤪🤪🤪🤪
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landonorris: i look good
charles_leclerc: i don’t even remember this happening
pierregasly: i wasn’t even that drunk…
yourbestfriend: my favourite out of these is the dude cropped out of the pic of lando and max
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yoursister posted on their story
caption: no f**ks given @yourusername
╰ yourusername: oh my goodness
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yourusername_private posted on their story
caption: @yoursister does this make you a wag now ;0
╰ yoursister: ur the worst
╰ yoursister: but yes it does
You laughed as you snapped the photo of your sister and Daniel and posted it on your story. You had suspicions that they were seeing each other but neither had confirmed anything until tonight when you caught them making out.
“Hey lovebirds, we’re doing karaoke if you want to join” you said calling them taking them away from each other's lips “Go away” your sister said turning to you, glaring. You laughed and then walked back to the rest of your friends.
Tonight felt like it was never ending, you had done so many shots and had a couple cocktails. You were feeling great even if yes you were drunk and would probably wake up with a massive hangover, you were making memories with the people you cared most about.
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yourusername_private posted on their story
caption: they keep coming
lilymhe posted on their story
caption: she may be my dance partner but she’s alex’s karaoke partner @yourusername @alex_albon
╰ yourusername: we were singing to you
╰ alex_albon: still butt hurt about the dance partner thing
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yourusername_private posted a series of stories on instagram
caption: @pierregasly embracing the wild night
╰ pierregasly: if i wasn’t drunk before this, i definitely was after
caption: maxie
╰ charles_leclerc: wow you actually got him to smile
╰ yourusername_private: he always smiles around me, maybe its you
╰ charles_leclerc: you can be mean
╰ yourusername_private: 🤷🏻♀️
caption: charlie
╰ charles_leclerc: convinced you hate me
╰ yourusername_private: i swear i don’t
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yourbestfriend posted on their story
caption: he stole my best friend 😡 @landonorris @yourusername
╰ yourusername: oh geez
╰ landonorris: 🤪
It was now close to 3am and you definitely needed to call it a night. Everyone was beyond drunk, the most sober was probably Oscar and George which made you feel at ease knowing if someone needed to be sober one of them could step up.
You were on the dance floor with Lando, the alcohol controlling your every move because sober you would’ve never danced that close to Lando or let him put his hands on your waist near your butt while your arms pulled him closer by placing them on his shoulders.
Sure Lando was an attractive man and you could understand the appeal but he was one of your best friends, you could never cross that line, could you? You had all these thoughts running through your brain but for some reason you kept dancing like this, until your best friend called your names and when you turned to her she had her phone out taking a quick picture of you two, similar to what you had done earlier with your sister and Daniel.
“We should probably get out of here” Lando suggested “Everyone’s pretty drunk, yourself included” he added as his hands remained on your waist. He was also just as drunk as you were and if he was being honest, he didn’t mind the closeness between the two of you.
“Yeah youre probably right” you agreed with him. Neither of you made any movement though just stared into each others eyes, caught up in the moment of how close your bodies were, it was as if neither of you knew whether to make a move or step away from one another.
“You’re really pretty” he told you. You weren’t sure how to respond, he was your best friend, this was the alcohol talking or was there something here that you had missed before now.
To Lando, he wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol talking but all he could think about in this moment was kissing you. With how close you were, it would be so easy to just lean in and join your lips but he wasn’t sure if that was something you wanted.
Neither of you were so caught up in your own thoughts about the other, you almost missed the phone vibrating in your pocket, it was Lily.
You quickly picked up, “Hey, everyone’s outside, I think some of us are going to find food and some are ordering ubers to go home. If you and Lando want to join or stay here, its up to you two” she told you “We’ll be right out” you told her before quickly hanging up
“Everyone’s either going home or getting food, we should go meet them” you passed the message onto Lando before taking a step back causing him to retract his hands. Neither of you said anything after that and he just simply nodded. From there you both made your way towards the exit to your friends.
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yourusername posted on their story
caption: ending the night with my faves ♥️ @lilymhe @alex_albon
( not pictured; max, charles & pierre )
╰ alex_albon: you couldn’t have waited till i was actually smiling
╰ yourusername: nope
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╰lilymhe: those fries hit the spot for sure
After the six of you had finished eating, it was time for you to go your separate ways. You were ordering an uber and out of everyone you were still the most drunk, even with the food in your system so someone had to take an uber with you to be sure you got home safely
“I live in that area, I’ll go with her” Max offered as everyone stood on the corner of the street outside the restaurant they were just in. You were sitting on the curb, just looking at your phone tracking the process of your uber.
“Okay” Alex said “Text one of us when you’re both home safely” Lily added then the two of them started making their way towards their hotel. They had sobered up and wanted to walk home seeing as the hotel wasn’t far. That just left you, Max, Charles and Pierre.
“Its 4 minutes away” you told Max looking up to him before looking back to your phone. “Do you want us to wait?” Charles asked as him and Pierre were going in the same direction and their uber had just arrived “No its fine, just text when youre home” Max said before the two drivers got in the uber leaving just you and Max.
“Are you cold?” Max asked when he noticed you were slightly shivering “No I’m fine, the uber will be here soon” you told him as you stood up. Max just chuckled and noticed the way you indistinctly wrapped your arms around yourself. He shook his jacket off and laid it on your shoulders.
“Thanks” you gave him a small smile, as you put the jacket on properly and instantly felt warmer. Within a few seconds your uber was here and Max was opening the door for you. “Oh why thank you” you joked to him earning a small nod from Max acting as a doorman and then closing the door before walking around the car to get in on the other side.
It wasn’t a long drive from where you had been to your place but in your drunken state, it felt longer. You hadn’t even noticed your eyes starting to droop or the way your head rested on Max’s shoulder, being engulfed by the warmth of his jacket.
By the time the uber pulled up to your place, you seemed to be sleeping. Max didn’t want to disturb you so he carefully got you out of the vehicle, holding you in his arms. He did a double take of the backseat making sure nothing was left behind before thanking the driver and making his way up to your front door. You slightly stirred slightly awake.
“Are you able to get your keys out?’ Max asked still carrying you but he could see you were sort of conscious “Yeah” you mumbled as you reached into your purse and pulled out your keys, turning slightly in Max’s arms to open your door.
Once you were inside, you rested your head back on his shoulder and nuzzled into his warmth. He gently shut the door with his foot before making his way to your bedroom to put you down.
He walked in, laying you peacefully on your bed “Will you stay?’ you asked ever so softly, Max almost didn’t hear your request. He couldn’t bare to say no so he gave you soft “sure” before going back into your living area and locking the front door.
From there he made his way to your kitchen, noticing the mess from the earlier party, he made a mental note to clean up a bit for you. Right now he was focused on getting you some water and making sure you were okay. He filled up a glass he found along with some pills to help with the headache he was sure you’d have in the morning.
When he walked back into your room, you had wrapped his jacket further around yourself and it was obvious you were knocked out. He admired how peaceful you looked before placing the water and pills on your side table and then carefully removed his jacket from you, replacing it with the fuzzy blanket that stayed at the foot of your bed. He also made sure to remove your shoes and plug your phone in before making his way back to the kitchen to clean up so that was one less thing you had to worry about tomorrow.
-
When you awoke in the morning, you felt your head pounding and your throat was dry. Lucky for you, Max had put just exactly what you needed on your side table, however you didn’t remember asking Max to stay so when you walked out to your living room, you were shocked to see the Red Bull driver, sleeping on the couch, one of your couch pillows under his head and a blanket draped over him.
You smiled to yourself at the sight of him sleeping so peacefully and quietly made your way to your kitchen, wanting to refill your water. You felt your heart stop when you noticed there was a garbage bag full of the dirty plates, cans, decorations, shot glasses, along with all the dirtied dishes, washed and drying in your drying rack.
There was only one person who could’ve done all of this and you could almost cry at the thought that Max took the time to do that even if he had been drunk himself and probably wanted to sleep. You refilled your water and walked back into your room, making a mental note to thank Max once he was awake.
You got back into bed and reached for your phone. You immediately went onto your socials and went through both your public and private instagrams seeing everything you had posted and the replies from everyone. You laughed, this was definitely a birthday you would never forget.
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yourusername posted on their instagram
yourbestfriend, yoursister, landonorris, maxverstappen1, pierregasly, lilymhe & others liked
birthday film dump 🎞️
thanks to everyone that made it one to remember. you know who you are <3
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yoursister: always a pleasure getting to celebrate my little sister
╰ liked by yourusername
landonorris: im never touching alcohol again..
╰ oscarpiastri: you know thats not true
╰ landonorris: shhhh 🤫
maxverstappen1: do you remember everything that happened?
╰ yourusername: bits and pieces..i remember the stuff that matters
╰ maxverstappen1: 🙄
yourbestfriend: we have so much to discuss bestie 🤭
╰ liked by yourusername
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i hope you enjoyed this!! it was so fun to write and i hope it gets a good reaction!! i didn't know if reader should end up with lando or max so i left it up for interpretation but feel free to comment who you want her to end up with and maybe i can write an add-on with the driver who gets the most votes, just lmk ♥️
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