#in conclusion elf man big

[ride-a-dromedary]

#also *is* it canon that he’s like 7ft at least?? bc he has to be#average elf height is 6ft I know this bc. yknow. I’ve read the elf parts of the 5e descriptions#and iirc bg3 moooooostly follows that#so everybody saying ‘oh Halsin is 6ft tall’ THATS NOT EVEN TALL FOR AN ELF THAT IS AVERAGE

@whatever-man-whatever I have been summoned!!

The short answer is no; Halsin's height has not been canonically confirmed in game as far as I'm aware (though I would be a little dodgy if it was anyway, and you'll see why in a moment, but mainly due to the fact that because Halsin is still considered a medium creature, as an elf, the game lists his weight as 75KG - look me DIRECTLY in the eye and tell me that man is 165lbs). And, as far as I am aware, there hasn't been any confirmation of his height from Larian either (though I am happy to be corrected if they have).

But you know whose height has been canonically confirmed? Astarion's. And you know that that leads to? The long answer, which is: logical approximation time with yours truly.

Larian tweeted Astarion's height as being 5'9" in 2021:

Which is slightly contradicted by the fact that, when playing as a Gith character in the full release, you can choose the option to describe Astarion literally to him when he asks:

Which - while understandably says 'approximately', so it is just a logical guess on Tav's part - obviously contradicts what Larian indicated previously by implying he's 5'11". Likely this was changed in the two years, or just tossed out there as a joke, or genuinely just mixed up (but I much prefer the 'gith count hair as height or are just not very good at height estimation' and @winter2468's theory that Astarion just wears lifts in his shoes).

However, what this does give us is a point of reference, with the possible height range of Astarion (and I suppose by extension the lithe elf body type in player characters) being somewhere between 5'9" and 5'11" (both a little on the taller side of the average for an Elf in 5e descriptions, but very tall for - say - 3e descriptions).

Now, this has to be taken with a grain of salt because all of the smaller male body types are the same height, so a visual doesn't necessarily say TOO much, however:

(Note that this is the two of them standing side by side in their idle pose, which means they are balancing weight on one of their hips, cocking it to the side. Astarion's idle pose also has him lifting his chin considerably, which makes him look a little taller. These both affect the measurement slightly but bear with me. I have also made an estimation as to where Astarion's skull would actually begin in relation to the bouffant of his hair)

So what this immediately tells me is that Halsin cannot be only 6ft - he stands significantly taller than an individual who is allegedly between 5'9" and 5'11"

A few more for good measure:

(The left bottom image is Astarion standing straighter with Halsin still bent at the knee - I have also noted that Halsin's left shoulder slopes lower than his right when standing idly)

So it's evident, by visual average, Astarion stands pretty consistently at about Halsin's shoulder. The only times they don't stand at this same relation in height difference is in character sheet screens (and level up screens by extension):

Which is what I meant by a little dodgy in visual base, so for the sake of this we'll keep outside of menus.

The average height between the shoulder and the top of a head is approximately 1 ft (with of course variations of neck length and head size in between, but let's stick with average for ease)

THEREFORE - if it looks to be that Astarion stands pretty consistently at the height of Halsin's shoulder, give or take an inch or two, Halsin is approximately about a foot taller than he is. And if Halsin is about a foot taller than he is, and Astarion's canonical height sits somewhere in the range of 5'9" - 5'11", that leads to reason that Halsin stands at somewhere in the range of 6'9" - 6'11".

(The other source of this conclusion is that I feel it in my heart that Halsin is pushing 7ft because I reason his height would need to be significantly above average for everyone to make a comment on it)

[mushroomates]

legolas headcanons:

is, by all accounts, the worlds most awkward elf

most of the fellowship doesn’t even realize how weird he is

thranduil did not socialize his boy well. legolas is not aloof he just has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing.

will walk very slowly with exaggerated movements around hobbits because he thinks they won’t see him otherwise.

the hobbits thinks this is elf custom. frodo theorizes this is because elves want to rest their eyes and ears when they’re at home, so other elves like to announce themselves so no one gets spooked.

this is aided by the fact that legolas loudly announces his presence whenever he enters the room, just incase you missed it.

this conclusion is false. legolas will approach other elves by charging at them, full speed. alternatively, shooting an arrow in their vicinity for a vibe check.

he also likes shooting at people to wake them up and/or scare them

legolas likes that it’s a gentle reminder to his companions that he could kill them at any time and they should be honored that he doesn’t.

aragorn has options about this. legolas tells him that he should be grateful that such a skilled elf is on his side and cares for him. aragorn maintains that if legolas really cared, the elf would stop waking him up with ‘good morning’ shots. he also would like to note that legolas’s loud singing is only slightly better than an arrow flying at you first thing in the morning:

legolas tries to make friends by staring at them from afar and when they look at him he looks away. like a cat. he will also blink at u as if to say “look! i like you! i’m closing my eyes!!!” again, like a cat.

will bring you small gifts to curry favor, also like a cat. interesting rocks and pretty feathers, samples of dirt, fallen leaves in different shapes and colors, and whatever flowers are near by and catch his eye. gets very upset if you don’t marvel at them for the appropriate amount of time.

will eat bites off of your plate. this is a form of endearment. he’s showing he trusts you and likes you. he’s also showing his inability to cook and hopes you’ll take pity on him by sharing your food.

sometimes will intentionally walk loudly around the camp if he’s bored, angry, or lonely so he can wake aragorn up and they can be awake together :)

likes to sing, loudly, at inappropriate times

no one in the fellowship has seen him piss. some of the hobbits are under the impression that elves don’t pee. aragorn and gandalf do not correct them.

up at the asscrack of dawn. this is annoying, because he’s chipper, looks amazing, and is a tad judgements that you aren’t as well.

captain obvious as well as worlds most unhelpful elf ever. will point out your mistake, claim to know how to fix it and half the time not offer the solution or his assistance.

cannot do laundry. he doesn’t even get dirty enough to consider it, and with how little people in middle earth wash their clothes anyway, none of his clothes have been cleaned for easily centuries.

is very confused by dogs. doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do with them. they’re always so happy and want (physical???) attention and,, it’s not a one and done thing either. you’re supposed to keep petting them? after you already pet them.

they’re like wolves, but smaller and maybe stupider. they also stink. boromir has explained to him many times that dogs are man’s best friend and are beautiful creatures. this worries legolas, because that means either dogs are more evolved than they let on,, or men are significantly further behind than elves than he first thought..

can not play the harp. is upset by this fact.

never really bothered to learn how to harp, either.

he believes he should be able to play the harp regardless because the harp is just a big bow with many strings. this is, in fact, false.

will eat anything. mushrooms and questionable berries mean nothing to him.

this upsets aragorn as he believes legolas is setting a bad example for the hobbits, dispite hobbits having the most durable digestive systems. (note: elves can eat almost anything, but hobbits have the stomach of a labrador retriever. they are always hungry, can can eat anything, even what they’re not supposed to)

DID set a bad example for boromir, who mistakingly ate some of the berries legolas offered him and had the shits for weeks.

is like 90% sure who frodo is. it’s definitely one of the hobbits. it’s probably not the one with the pony.

is faceblind. he can’t recognize other people’s faces for the life of him. if you asked him to pick out aragorn in a sea of humans, he’d panic dispite knowing the man for 50+ years.

this also goes for all races, including dwarves. gimli thought he might just be racist and covering his ass, but then watched him stall for like 30 minutes making small talk with some lorien elves and try (and fail) to pick celeborn out of the crowd.

does know what galadriel and thranduil look like. has a hard time pointing out elrond.

will forget your name almost immediately after you tell him. guys like 3k old and has met a lot of people give him a break

to be fair he does know who you are and what you sound/look like. defining features like voice and hair help a lot. it’s just if you were to give him a book of cropped faces and ask him to name, just one,,, he’d panic and throw it at you.

feels robbed of the golden ages,, resents the fact that the world he knows is drastically different that the world he could have been. wishes there were more elves his age and just more elves in general.

that being said he wouldn’t change this for anything as the world he’s in gave him the friends he’s made and the adventure of a life time :)

he doesn’t wash his hands. like ever or at all.

[serregon]

so Baldur’s Gate is overall really good, but not without criticism, and I’m kinda pissed about Halsin becoming irrelevant and the portrayal of his trauma.

I’ve seen some players calling Halsin’s story boring and two-dimensional, and I wish I could say I disagree with them, but I honestly can’t, and he deserved better than what we got.

I really liked Halsin in acts 1 and 2, but it feels like he just doesn’t have much going for him in act 3. I get that he isn’t an origin character, so he isn’t going to have the same big arcs that the main six get, but it feels like the writers just didn’t know what to do with him after act 2. act 2 was pretty much the conclusion of his character arc, and act 3 is just him hitching along for the ride. the thing is, he isn’t even playable until you’re almost halfway into act 2. he’s only playable when his story is almost over.

the only quest Halsin gets in act 3 isn’t even exclusively his quest. he’s one of several characters who could be kidnapped by Orin. so odds are it isn’t going to be his story in your playthrough. that’s it for him. couldn’t he have a small sidequest, like maybe making amends with the tiefling refugees? what about a quest with Jaheira to find other druids in the city? or what about actually meeting those hastily tacked-on shadow druids? if he doesn’t have his own quest what’s the point of having him in my party anymore?

one thing we do get from act 3 is a new side of Halsin where he’s really uncomfortable about being in the city. he’s in an unfamiliar and overstimulating environment, and seeing the poor treatment of refugees makes him lose hope in humanity. it gets to the point that he actually starts to think that the shadow druids had a point. the character who’s always putting on a kind and brave face is starting to break. that’s a good set up for an arc! sure hope it goes somewhere.

eventually Halsin’s unease about staying in the city causes him to have a complete meltdown. he loses control over his bear form and injures Scratch. when he turns back into an elf, he’s panicking about how the city is making him both physically and mentally sick. he has lost all hope in this world, and he pulls out a dagger and holds it to his chest. that’s a really shocking and evocative scene! who doesn’t love watching the nice guy go apeshit? I’d love to see where this goes for his character.

except, that last scene wasn’t actually Halsin, that was Orin taking his form to taunt the player. so that scene went nowhere. I can’t help but feel like I was robbed. you thought Halsin would have a deep character moment, but you were wrong! it’s just like an “it was all just a dream” ending. and of course that scene only happens if Orin chooses to kidnap him over someone else so there’s a good chance you won’t even see this non-character development. so yeah my take is that that scene should have played out with the real Halsin.

we do get another piece of Halsin lore in act 3, but the way it’s handled is. Bad. very bad, even. and this is where I have to add a content warning for sexual abuse.

so when you get to the brothel, the player and their partner can sleep with these twin drow sex workers. if you ask Halsin to join you, he just drops “yeah I was raped by two drow before lol. they tied me to a bed for three years haha crazy right.” I can’t fault Halsin for using a somewhat jokey tone when talking about his abuse. I also can’t fault him for saying that he even sorta liked it at times, abuse survivors are allowed to have complex feelings about their abuse. the problem is, the story itself is not taking this seriously. as far as I could find, Halsin’s history of sexual abuse is brought up absolutely nowhere else in the game. it’s literally only brought up when Halsin makes that half joking reference to it. the player can’t even ask Halsin about it like “hey man that’s a pretty traumatic thing are you alright?” this whole side of his character is a missable one-off line. where does this hint of backstory lead? why can’t we confront him about this later? there’s a lot you could do with a character who hides how deeply something affected him, but it literally comes off like being raped for three years straight barely affected Halsin at all. it’s such a heavy topic that feels like it was tacked on at the last minute with little thought.

it’s also weird because the game handles Astarion’s trauma with so much more grace. they know how to write a male sexual abuse survivor with the respect he deserves, so why couldn’t they do the same for Halsin? it doesn’t even need to be a whole arc, just some camp dialogue or literally anything.

semi-related tangent: the brothel is a steaming pile of tired tropes. the incestuous sex workers? of course the sex workers are freaks, how original! and the murdered sex worker shoved in the fridge like she’s nothing? never seen that one before! the madam who doesn’t give a shit about the safety of said murdered employee? you really reinvented the wheel there!

idk man just. everything else about this game is really really good, but act 3’s flaws stick out like a sore thumb. Halsin and sex workers deserve better.

[the-likeable-wizard-mack]

Modern Fantasy Monsters: PRIDE ADDITION

Happy Pride Month to you all!!!

Asexual Succubus and Incubus. Demons that usually associated with lust and fiery passion who don’t have a sex drive at all. Some of them aren’t even into relationships at all. They just want to binge watch a series of television shows and eat popcorn with friends. 

Orc circles which are usually very masculine and tough are actually very inclusive. Every orc no matter the gender or sexuality is welcomed in their circle. They support their orc friends that come out to them like “Oh, Gor’k is gay? That’s cool! He should invite is partner to the barbecue next week so we can meet him!”  

Shapeshifters who help their non-binary friends to find their sense of style by transforming their hair into different styles to help their friend find a perfect style that suits them. 

Elves who finally come out to their friends after so many years of being pressured by their family. Even after 100 years with how long they live they can finally find love with the gender that they are attracted to. 

ON THE OTHER SIDE...Gay elves who have been lovers since they were young and after 100 years they still are going strong. 

Sirens who sing to their girlfriends and mermen who bring beautifully crafted shell necklaces to their boyfriends

Pride parades that include different magicfolk with all sorts of amazing magic that shares a welcoming feeling to all who attended. 

Most elves preferred pronouns are they/them. It’s deeply rooted in elven culture that most are referred to as such and humans were the ones who tried to put gendered labels on them. Most elves still go by they/them and introduce them selves accordingly. In conclusion, elves are nonbinary allies. 

I’m tired of seeing fantasy stories where most of the LGBTQ+ characters are portrayed as big orc man and tiny elf. Give me two large hulking orcs who are gay and proud to be gay. They are an amazing power couple with Garman going to his construction job and his hot husband Frug looking after the kids at home. They are friends with the gay elven couple across the street. 

ACE ANGELS. Angels who are not sexually attracted to people and would rather have an aesthetic attraction to them. 

Witch and Wizard covens that re LGBTQ+ safe spaces. Also witches and wizards that don’t fit within the the labels of witch or wizards.

TRANS-WITCHES

TRANS-WIZARDS ALL MAGIC FOLKS  SUPPORT LGBTQ+ MOVEMENT

[thelordofgifs]

Obscure Tolkien Blorbo: Round 1

Mablung vs Tuor

Mablung:

A marchwarden of Doriath, known for handing the Silmaril to Beren at the end of the Hunt for Carcharoth and for being one of the few people who survived his life’s intersection with Túrin’s.

Best elf in Doriath !! Went to all the big fights !! Tried so hard to protect Nienor ! He searched her for so long ! And he was so devoted to his kingdom ! So dutiful !!!

He's one of the only first age elves with sense.

Tuor:

A hero of Men, the husband of Idril and favoured of Ulmo who led the survivors of Gondolin after its fall.

Descended from two out of the three houses of the Edain. Escaped slavery like a badass. Killed so many of Morgoth's mannish servants, they put a bounty on his head. WAS LITERALLY A MESSENGER OF ONE OF THE VALAR! Found Gondolin. Y'know, the one city MORGOTH HIMSELF COULDN'T FIND!? Was so well liked in Gondolin, that Maeglin was the only one who didn't love him. He killed Maeglin. Wrote "The Horns of Ylmir" for little Eärendil on the way to Sirion (which is the first poem Tolkien wrote). Mysteriously disappeared. No one knows what happened to him after he sailed West and the elves like him so much they just pretend he's definitely still alive. That would possibly make him the oldest full-blooded man to ever live. Actually, it would make him the oldest part-man to ever live as well, because Dior (who was born only two years before him) died. All other peredhil are either younger than him, descended from him, or both. Also helped create Elrond, which is the best thing a person can do

Tuor is (possibly) the only man to be granted immortality, he's a special little guy. I think he was pleased to see his adoptive elf dad again and more people should be sad about how he lost two whole families. He's ulmo's favourite guy and he got to marry idril with no fuss (unlike literal every other man-elf couple) AND he might have got to go to valinor despite the ban and tuor being a human, everybody makes exceptions for this guy!

Tuor is a trans woman because fuck we need trans representation and who better to provide us that than the human adopted by an Elf, who loves the song and freedom of the sea, who was chosen by the sea-god to be the messenger of the sea, who led the survivors of Gondolin to safety and said fuck it, we're gonna sail to the west and be together with my awesome wife forever! In conclusion: vote for Tuor, she's best girl together with her Elf wife.

Round 1 masterpost

[themushroomgoesyeet]

Arcana Characters as Lord of the Rings

Y'all wouldn't believe how long it took me to come to this conclusion, I might be having a bit of a writer's block moment today

Julian - Pipin Took

Is Julian entirely too tall to be a hobbit? Yes

Does Julian have the same pension for dumbassery as Pipin? Also yes

Very big "no thoughts head empty" energy with these two

Plus Julian could definitely challenge the drinking tolerance of a hobbit fight me

Despite their bawdy & lighthearted personalities, both also have the capability of a rather poetic sorrow, and incredibly honorable loyalty and bravery as well

Asra - Gandalf

Mysterious™ with an unmatched wanderlust? Check

A vast pool of magical wisdom and always down to get high as balls? Check

Expert at disappearing when the plot needs them most? Check

This also makes a great double dynamic when you pair them with the Julian/Pipin combo, as both Gandalf & Asra spend most of their time calling their charges out in their dumbassery

Nadia - Arwen

Classy, regal, beautiful women

Both also have a fair amount of independence and quiet strength that can sway armies

It's not shown in the movies but Arwen is actually a total badass when she wants to be; she actually helps fight in the battle for Helm's Deep; so now we have two bad ass women with prodigious sword skills

Both are very devoted and passionate lovers as well

Muriel - Beorn

Idk how many people know about/remember this character but he's in the Hobbit

Pretty much a big dude who can turn into a bear, & who's front yard is the home of a farm's worth of both wild & domestic animals

Dude doesn't like visitors (at least not ones that aren't animals), but if you manage to get on his good side he'll be fairly hospitable

If that doesn't scream Muriel idk what does

Portia - Eowyn

Yet another strong, independent woman

I feel like she and Portia share the same firey spirit that people tend to underestimate

Eowyn is kind, caring, friendly, and devoted to her people even if she's not allowed to show it, & I find that fits Portia quite well

Both also start out illiterate (to my knowledge)

Portia is also definitely the kind of person to pull the "I am no man" line

They may look nice but they can and will throw hands when they want to

Lucio - King Thranduil

If anyone could match Lucio's pension for parties it would be the king of the party elves

Sassy, moody, greedy, kind of a bitch, older than they look, blonde

Also Lord knows they are not at all good with children (Thranduil may love his son but he sure ain't a good father)

They hide their scars (at least Thranduil does in the movie; I don't think he has that burn scar in the books), Lucio with a big, gaudy prosthetic arm & Thranduil with glamour and elf magic

Can totally kick ass when they want to but usually don't bc ✨war trauma✨

[vonuberwald]

Happy DADWC! Can I get " …after a small rejection." for Fenders or Fenhanders? :D

Hawke and Fenris glanced at each other again as Anders sighed for the hundredth time where he was lying on the small chaise at the foot of Hawke's bed. He'd walked in earlier, morose expression on his face, kicked his boots off and slumped there after a mumbled greeting to the both of the. Fenris and Hawke had been sitting on the bed, waiting for him to return from the clinic where he'd been shut in the small storage room that also passed for his office in there. According to a harried helper, he'd been in there for some time sulking after what she only described as an Incident.

When pressed for more information, she'd only sighed and said, exasperated, 'You'd best just ask him yerself, milords, he's in a right one and no doubt.' Muttering about scratches and big babies, she'd rushed off to help a small family that had just come in, leaving the others bewildered. They'd tried to knock on the door where the mage had sequestered himself, only to be told in a muffled voice through the rough wood that he was 'fine' and would see them later.

Satisfied that Anders was at least uninjured, and as Hawke judged it best for them to talk in the privacy of the estate anyway, they'd left and in the present, they were now left to delicately inquire of the man himself.

Hawke met Fenris' gaze. Fenris stared back. Hawke inclined his head towards Anders. Fenris stared back. Hawke nodded his head a little more forcefully. Fenris rolled his eyes. Hawke sighed and cleared his throat.

'So, uh, we came by earlier. If you remember,' he began.

'Mm,' said Anders.

'Liezel, I think it was, told us you were, um,' Don't say 'sulking', Garrett. 'a little... upset?'

'Mmfdfd,' Anders mumbled.

'Eh?'

Anders huffed and sat up, his shoulders hunched up around his ears. 'Was nothing,' he muttered quietly. And-

'Mage, I swear to all that you hold dear, if you sigh one more time,' Fenris interjected snappily. 'Just tell us what happened and who we need to kill already.'

Right then, Hawke thought, that works too.

Anders made a face, but came over and sat on the edge of the bed closest to the elf. Hawke couldn't help but notice that he was holding his left hand gingerly, covering the back as he was injured there. Frowning, Hawke reached for it, only for the other to draw back, not quite flinching before thinking better of it. As Hawke took his hand, he noticed that for some reason a flush had risen on Anders' face and he suddenly seemed... embarrassed? Looking down at the hand in his, he saw three lines, reddened as if they'd been lightly bleeding some time ago, but nothing more. Certainly nothing of any real concern. Hawke was surprised the mage hadn't just healed it himself, unless he was missing something?

Beside him, Fenris snorted with amusement, clearly having come to some sort of conclusion before him. 'Are you serious?'

Anders bristled and took his hand back and with a brief burst of magic, the scratches were gone.

'Look, he's never done that before, alright?' He said. Hawke was lost and turned to Fenris.

''He'?

The elf rolled his eyes. 'There's a stray cat around the clinic he's been feeding for weeks now. The cat scratched him, so he's sulking.'

Hawke turned to look at Anders. His expression might have been a little incredulous as Anders blushed harder and looked away. Hawke felt that familiar love and fondness bubble up in his chest as he scooted closer to his lover and took him in his arms.

'Come here, you,' he said, burying his face in cornsilk hair. Anders made a soft noise and relaxed against him. 'The cat'll come around again and then you can adopt it and keep it here if you like,' he continued, leaning around and kissing him on the cheek. 'As many as you like.'

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Fenris make a face, but he too came in closer, reaching across and taking Anders' hand in his, and brought it to his lips to kiss the spot where the wounds had been.

'But you're cleaning up after them,' he added with a smirk.

-------

Thanks so much!

@dadrunkwriting

[herbalsingularitea]

Here’s the thing, I’m a Curtis apologist and I think Bernard would be too

HEAR ME OUT

I hate seeing little dude blasted for literally just breathing in fan stuff, it makes my stupid little heart hurt cause like I think that he is honestly just trying his best??? And it’s not as good as Bernard’s best ofc and that’s why he’s number 2 but like??? My guy is still number 2 elf of the whole north ass pole, he didn’t get there for nothing

Bernard HAD to have been part of the choosing of number 2 elf. NO WAY did Curtis get that title without Bernard’s say so. But he still ribs Curtis a lot right? OKAY. I think it’s 100% big brother/little brother type ribbing. They obviously know each other very well. And Bernard is a snarky shit in general. But when he criticizes Scott, you can tell it’s for real like ‘get ur shit together man’ type criticizing. But with Curtis? It’s ‘grow up’ and ‘do u go peepee with that thing’ etc THAT is SIBLING ENERGY.

In conclusion, I think Bernard is always the first to rag on Curtis cause he genuinely thinks he could be a great head elf someday and he wants to see Curtis be better and succeed AND I also think if anyone else said that kinda shit to Curtis he’d stab them with a pointy candy cane thank u that’s my time

[writingmaidenwarrior]

WIP Wednesday

I was tagged by @druidx and @oh-no-another-idea

This is from my still unnamed elven story that goes by the working title elven heist at the moment, don't ask.

More under the cute because it is a bit longer and semi NSFW.

Warning: nude people, mentions of genitalia, sexual charged situation

I tag @writernopal @writerfae @moonandris @sam-glade

The mentioned green door was easy to find, since the stairs lead to it directly. Iryssa dropped a small bow with a big grin on her face, inviting Aèdin to knock. If she wasn’t already sure, she would make those suffer who stole the moon crystal for their nefarious doings, she was now just for enduring all this. Softly she knocked but got no reaction. After she exchanged a confused frown with Iryssa, she knocked again, this time stronger, but with the same result. Gently, Iryssa pushed her aside, and knocked even stronger. Finally, a soft call could be heard. Iryssa opened the door and Aèdin stepped in first. The view in front of her was something she expected and not expected at the same time. A beefy guy, apparently a half orc considering the built and size, sat in a wooden armchair shaped like some sort of throne. He sat naked with his erection prominently up in direct view once you opened the door, leaving Aèdin no other option as to involuntarily gawk at him for a moment of confusion. Right side of him sat a delicate woman with pale skin so light even moonlight was no comparison to it. In the dimmed light of the room there was no way to say if her long sleek hair was white or still got some color to it, but it flowed down her naked back and ended almost directly at the red fabric that covered her ass and moved forward. Her arms rested on a part of it on the armrest in front of her, her chin hovering over it, and her eyes glued to the man whose bent index finger rested softly under her chin. “You are not Mezin”, the woman stated matter of fact with a warm but rough voice. “No, we are not. We are here for The Duke”, Iryssa spoke up behind Aèdin. Laughter was audible in her voice, and it was clear her amusement was about Aèdin being starstruck and petrified at the same time. “And who is looking for The Duke?” “Folks who got a job.” “What a curious way to offer it.” The woman kissed the knuckle of the index finger and rose in a soundless motion. The fabric fell to her feet and she walked over to Aèdin in her exposed state with a playful smile, “And you, little one? Lost your tongue or are you tongue-tied because you haven’t seen a man naked before.” Iryssa stepped next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “She hadn’t left her hometown before and probably never saw a non-elf before, which leads me to the conclusion despite the alias: You are the one, we are looking for, aren’t you.” “Good looking and smart. I think we can work together. Indeed, I am the one you are looking for. Hiding behind a male sounding alias as a woman served me well. But you haven’t introduced yourself yet.” “My name is Iryssa and this overwhelmed one is Aèdin.” “Nieri, the pleasure is all mine, but speaking of pleasure…” Nieri turned to the man who sat still like a sculpture and turned back to her visitors. Softly, she stroked Aèdin’s cheek with a seductive gleam in her eyes. “I would invite you to join me, but it took me hours to get him into this state, and a girl has her needs.” The stroke of Nieri’s hand ended with her fingertips of her index and middle finger resting for a moment under Aèdin’s chin before she turned around completely again. “Any suggestions?”, Aèdin finally managed to speak. “Oh, listen, the little one can speak. Let’s meet tomorrow at noon at the tavern across the street. Until then, be my guest.” She lifted her arms in an inviting gesture before Nieri stopped before the man. “Very obliging of you”, Iryssa snickered still as she grabbed Aèdin by her collar and pulled her out of the room. The door barely closed shut as they heard a satisfied, deep moan coming from the room. “She clearly doesn’t waste time.” “I need a drink…”, Aèdin sighed. She put the staff aside and slowly massaged her temples.

[reduxulousoctopus]

At long last, here's part three of my rough outline for a Justice League DND AU. Sorry this took so long, a lot's been going on and I honestly kind of forgot about this odd little project for a while.

(An explanation of the AU's premise, previous chapters, and other related posts can be found under my dndcau tag)

Chapter Three

As they walk to the lord's guesthouse where it would actually make sense for a visiting nobleman to stay (I never said Cartier was staying in an inn shut up), Wally eagerly tells Diana everything he thinks she needs to know about life in the big city. They arrive to find two big bodyguards flanking the front gate. While trying and failing to bluff their way inside, it soon becomes clear that the bodyguards think their employer is still there. Diana bluntly informs them that "Cartier" is dead and was revealed to be an illithid in disguise, much to the surprise of the bodyguards. As one heads for the tavern to confirm their story, the other accompanies Wally and Diana inside to supervise while they conduct their search.

Wally finds an attache case containing several documents bearing Cartier's signature and the seal of the king, each authorizing the shipment of large quantities of building materials to several locations across the planet. Before they can do more than express how unusual that is, three more city guardsmen arrive. Though Wally acts friendly (if slightly nervous), it's clear that the other guardsmen don't like him very much. When Diana steps in to defend him from their bullying, one of them makes an inappropriate sexual comment about her. Understandably outraged, Diana threatens the offending man, which inadvertently gets Wally kicked off of the case and both of them forcibly removed from the premises.

Outside, Wally tries to calm Diana down with a bad joke. Coming from a society with no concept of policing, Diana struggles to understand what the city guards even are. Wally claims that it's their job to help and protect people, although he admits in an uncharacteristically somber voice that he's started to wonder lately whether or not that's actually true. Diana considers that for a moment, then comes to the conclusion that the city guards must have been replaced by Mind Flayers.

After noting that there are still several hours left before they'll be expected back at the tavern, Diana and Wally decide to search the Guard-Captain's office for evidence that he or anyone else in the force are secretly illithids--because "let's raid a police station by ourselves" is the kind of idea you get when you put the most impulsive party-members on a team together with no supervision.

Meanwhile, back at the tavern, the owner and a few more city guardsmen supervise while a group of workers dispose of the dead illithid and clean up the mess. Upstairs, John uses his arcane focus, a jade signet ring, to contact the other devotees of his patron. We get brief cameos from Katma the tiefling, Kilowog the giff, and Kyle the half-elf, but each of them are too busy with their own assignments to provide backup.

Next, he tries Eddore the plasmoid, who is currently on duty observing the magical artifact which allows their order to track anyone traveling through outer-space or between planes. At John's request, Eddore checks the records and confirms that, although the illithids on other planets have been 'unusually active,' there isn't any sign that they've been traveling to Toril, while the Mind Flayers already present remain deep in the Underdark.

Finally, John calls the hobgoblin archivist Arkkis, who provides him with a book containing their order's collected knowledge of Mind Flayers. John already knows most of it, but while skimming, he comes across a brief entry about the gith, a race formerly enslaved by the illithids. They won their freedom in a bloody uprising, only to split into two factions and nearly drive themselves to extinction over the course of a centuries-long civil war. The book mentions a theory that claims the conflict was prolonged by illithid agents, who wanted to keep the gith too distracted and disorganized to pursue vengeance against their former masters.

John is himself distracted from his research by a knock at the door. He answers to find a middle-aged female halfling, who asks if he's looking for information about Jallen Cartier. After John invites her in so they can talk privately, she tells him that her late husband, Edgar Reiss-Burrows, was Cartier's partner until their last expedition, which Edgar did not survive. Though Cartier claimed Edgar's death was the result of a land-slide, Mrs. Reiss-Burrows long suspected that her husband was actually murdered.

Lacking proof or motive, and knowing that Cartier would be protected from her accusations by his growing political influence, Mrs. Reiss-Burrows reluctantly let the issue go. However, she recently felt a strange urge to finally confront Cartier over what he did. She describes it like a voice in her head, promising that her husband's killer would be brought to justice as long as she got him to go to that specific tavern on that specific night. She's the person who wrote the mysterious message they found on the fake Cartier's body, though she lost her nerve when the time came for their meeting.

John thanks Mrs. Reiss-Burrows for the information, but asks why she decided to tell him instead of the city guards investigating downstairs. She thinks about it for a moment, then admits that she isn't sure anymore, even though she was absolutely certain just a few minutes ago that she had to tell "the man upstairs with glowing green eyes." John watches her go with a suspicious look on his face--beginning to realize, as Clark and Bruce did earlier, that someone is manipulating them all from behind the scenes.

--

TO BE CONTINUED...

[myimaginedcorner]

A TUMBLR STORY: TORN PAGE (p.14)

PREVIOUS RESULT: Near the big lake.

Laefen was who chose the place. He said water always is a good resource to have, that lakes are peaceful havens where all the beasts gather in harmony. No wolf attacks a deer that’s drinking at a lake; no pixie will play tricks on travellers thirsty and tired. It’s one of those rare laws that Nature has imposed on all her children, with few exceptions being outcasts to her rightful rule. Mermaids, monsters, ghosts – those are an evil Nature cannot control, born from hatred and from tragedy.

Those were his words, and with Hibiscus backing them, you trusted. You rode past the solitary wall, away from the majestic sanctuary that had given you abode and hearth for many years, long and fruitful. You bestowed but a quick glance to the solitary mountains to your right, where creatures of wide wings circled the peaks, their species hidden by the distance. You moved around the gloomy forest; to your left, you felt Hibiscus’ quiet pain, phantom tears washing her heart in sight of woods so sad, so twisted.

“It will grow back,” you pointed out, in sympathy to her grief for a creation failed and broken. You knew the feeling from your younger days, that itching ache when your achievements crumble. “Deeper into its thicket, there’s a new settlement being built, a research town for elven biologists. In time, this place will become even bigger than before.”

The satyr heard you; you made sure to speak loud enough for her to listen. Preceded by a silence full of self-reflection, there was a silent ‘thank you’. You smiled, faintly. Building up a courteous relationship with your fellow teammates was a gratifying task.

You stopped once blue swallowed the landscape up to the horizon, and your mount’s hooves got washed by waves that spilled onto the shore. Saddles off, and runes placed to create a temporary barrier, you left the loyal animals to have a deserved rest, taking care of your own tents and fire.

“Strange.”

The roof of what would be your dwelling for tonight raised up to mimic heavy crowns of foliage; your gaze, freed of the tiresome burden that’s setting up under the last rays of sun, moved to the man that swore to be your sword and shield, now crouched next to the threshold of the realms of water.

“What is it?” you asked him. To you, this place was adverse and alien; to him, it was his second home.

“It’s the water.”

Another voice answered, not elven. Turning around, you saw M walk to where you stood, hands behind their back, their deep, trapping gaze resembling honey ready to capture naïve flies. Reciprocating your inquisitive inspection, they smiled.  

“Lakes should not have waves so prominent.”

Their statement came in simple phrasing, indifferent to the uniqueness of their observation. You felt alone while struck by realisation, and solitary curiosity is what imbued you as you looked at Laefen once again. Indeed, no waves should be there, but there were. And yet, instead of awe, you saw insouciance, worry, and exhaustion.

“Better to keep watch tonight,” was the conclusion reached by the rogue when he re-joined you back where the bonfire danced in a valse of flames.

“Something wrong, Laefen?” finishing her ration, Amani watched the elf give her a little shrug.

“Just a hunch. Better to be safe than sorry.”

You started to suspect this was his most used expression.

Sunset was gone, and with it, the need to stay awake. Biding farewell to everyone, you approached your tent, refusing, nonetheless, to enter before you saw Ashna in front of theirs. You were close by, a fact that made you happy. You knew they would be by your side if something was to go wrong.

Your gazes met. You found yourself in deep stupefaction, admiring every single sparkle that roamed within their intense stare. Like a celestial mantle, stars lived within their eyes, their own, soft light illuminating in your starless heart a new path to follow, one you ignored for long enough. Those guiding stars, they invited you to sail through endless waters into an ocean to drown, dragged to the depths of your emotions. Dangerous, that’s how you described them every single time. Dangerous in how beautiful they were.

“Sleep well,” they whispered you, and you confused their whisper with a quiet purr; at least, that’s what your ears wanted it to be.

“You too,” you answered, feeling how the string that kept you standing there gets pulled off your hands. You could have made the conversation slightly longer – there’s always something wise to say and to discuss with someone on whose knowledge there’s no doubt. You failed to find the words, however; again, you failed to say out loud the thoughts you had in mind.

They noticed your embarrassing confusion. They realised the shyness that struck your heart, that pathetic feeling that has great paralysing power over one’s physical body. A fascinating, yet humiliating sight…

However, they didn’t mock you, of course not; to them, things like emotions were oddly gripping, perhaps, in link to their love for the exploration of the mind. Or perhaps, it was you, who had them captivated; your heart skipped a beat at the thought of that.

Their hands took yours, and, before you had the time to answer, a soft, brief kiss caressed your cheek with its burning touch. You felt fire burst through your lungs, its heat immediately getting veins to rage in passionate blazes. Your eyes had sparkles dancing in their pupils.

Such a reaction made them laugh.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” they said, this time, definitely purring. Then, they quickly left your side, and their figure disappeared behind thick cloth before you saw how their ears started shivering in excitement.

You couldn’t sleep, that night. That night, all what was on your mind was Ashna, and that sweet, soft kiss. A futile, cyclical idea without an end or goal, that was forbidding you from having your deserved recovery after a tiring day. Your health was at stake, and yet, all what you thought of was still them, and that small kiss. That silly, ephemeral kiss. How happy had it made you.

[mortifyingordealof]

i need u to know ur tags on that god of war fanart sent me in a wheezing fit i thought would never end. the phrase 'gimli breastfeeding his half elf babies' is burned into my brain zjdjdjzhdhd

LISTEN. I see a brawny bearded red headed man with big tits holding two infants to his breast... I jump to conclusions

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Y'all... there is more evidence that L is indeed my soul mate, my person, the only one who truly gets me. Let's see what has transpired.

Piece of Evidence #1: I was complaining about my hip messing up & making me 'useless'. He responded with, "Baby you are so efficient & so good at so many things, the gods had to nerf you for being OP somehow." in the most sincere tone.

Piece of Evidence #2: We were hanging out on the deck & I got up, saying I was off to do dishes (while limping because I tore something picking up Zel when she was hurt). He said, "Ok... WAIT! NO! I'll do them! Sit!" I reminded him that he'd said he'd do them for the past 3 days & hadn't. He said, "[Dr M] I command you to not do dishes!" I laughed & told him he was under leveled for the "Command [Dr M] spell" outside of specific circumstances in which my constitution is considerably lower. He got mildly offended & began going off about how his current Skyrim character can summon a ghost that's way above her level and that a 'debuff character build is valid'. I reminded him that this isn't Skyrim & he isn't a wood elf. A bit later I told him that if he ate in the next 15 mins, I'd relent (because he forgets to eat). Within 2 minutes he was in the kitchen making food while glaring at me & mumbling about blackmail.

Piece of Evidence #3: he knows I like to watch old episodes of Big Fat Quiz when I don't feel well & actually suggested we turn it on one night when I was clearly struggling but was doing an alright job faking it. For the last 4 nights in a row, that's all we've watched because he loves it... especially if Richard & Noel or Noel & Russell are a team.

Piece of Evidence #4: he walked in to me playing bass on my leg while painting cabinets & immediately asked if I was listening to Primus on loop again. He's also figured out how to gauge my pain/mood based on what I'm listening to (because some days I have to get real angry to make my body function, so I listen to shit like Slipknot/Tool/Nine Inch Nails/Manson/Kidney Theives).

Piece of Evidence #5: yesterday i went outside to talk to him & paused the music on my headphones as I sat down. He said, "Aw no more MSI? They do go hard." Apparently he could tell it was them just based on what he heard at a distance through my headphones. Genuinely never been with anyone who knows of them, much less likes or can ID them like that. (Before you come for me, yes I know Jimmy is a POS [anyone with half a brain could easily draw that conclusion] . I like the sound of their stuff and have never paid for any of it. It is called separating the art from the artist. You'd be horrified by my back tattoo. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Grow up.)

So yeah... dude is absolutely the one for me. (This is all on top of how extremely understanding he is when my bod/hormones malfunction & all the things I've always adored about him throughout our friendship.)

He actually asked me the other day when I developed feels for him. I told him that I'd always really liked him but like... he had some deal breaker stuff & was with my (then) friend. But that in early August (before I moved in but was staying over to hang out for a couple days), there was a massive storm that broke a massive part of a tree off in the yard of the house across the creek out back. It was hanging on the electrical wires & without hesitation he ran over to help the homeowners. I sat and watched from the driveway as he helped them cut it down. (Note: til then he hadn't ever interacted with them.) Then as he was walking back across the creek afterwards, the elderly woman who lived there with her husband called across to me "You've got a good man!" & L turned and said "Aw she's my best friend, it's not like that." I found myself feeling really... sad? Then internally I went "Oh fuckstockings. I'm in love with him. Goddamn it. This... might be a fucking problem." Then a couple weeks later it wasn't a problem because I basically lived here. And nearly 5 months later we are still great. No fights because we both speak very frankly and clearly when stuff is going on. There's some communication stuff because he's been programmed to read into things, but we talk about it.

Shit is dope.

[ramblinganthropologist]

Writober 22 16 - Blood

Summary: Avery and Moses can get a little messy in a fight. Can Varric still put that in the book, or is he going to need to attach a content warning?

---

The nice thing about the Hanged Man was that they didn’t care if you came in covered in blood as long as you weren’t still bleeding.

“Fuck, that was nasty.”

“Of course it was, it was the Wounded Coast.”

Avery rolled her eyes as she hopped off her brother’s shoulders, landing with a hearty thump to the dirty floor below. If the barkeep minded, they didn’t say anything – just kept attempting to clean the same dirty mug. Somewhere a drunk was complaining about the noise, but she couldn’t see them. Out of sight, out of mind.

“I’ll get the drinks. You just tell Varric we made it.”

Moses nodded as he headed off, his footsteps far quieter than hers thanks to the fact he didn’t wear heavy armor and didn’t have something to prove. She watched him go before turning away to head towards the bar and grab something to drink to help numb the pain of another successful adventure.

Pain was meaningless when she got paid for a job well done. Did that make her a masochist? Eh, she could ask Jethann later at work…

The barkeep nodded to her as she approached, still wiping that mug. “Hawke. Thought I heard you drop in.”

She flashed them a fanged grin as she leaned on the bar, careful to make sure the blood didn’t make the dirty top even worse. “Figured I’d drop by to see my dear friend Varric. Just need the usual for me and the big guy.”

It didn’t take long for the mugs to appear and for coin to be exchanged. Avery gave them a wave as she grabbed the mugs and began to carefully carry them through the pub. While she did, she glanced around. A few she recognized from the Rose, but they weren’t particularly notable. She only remembered the names if she had to toss them out multiple times, and even then it didn’t always stick.

She had something of a one track mind, so the minor details didn’t always stick.

Regardless, up the stairs she went to the Hanged Man’s largest room. All things considered, she could understand why Varric didn’t want to hang out with his brother where the dwarves lived in the city. The pub was far more interesting in her opinion, plus he got to hide from his editor. She had never met the man, but whoever they are they didn’t like going into Lowtown too much.

It was probably someone she’d like to fight, but that would wait until Varric finished the next chapter of Hard in Hightown. She was dying to know how it ended.

Varric was at his desk like always as she approached, a stack of papers full of writing pushed off to the side. Moses had taken the chair he fit into, leaving the one that suited her just fine. She handed his mug to him before settling into her chair and taking a deep sip of her drink.

Yep, felt like death – a Hanged Man classic.

“I still have no idea how you can drink that, Hawke.” Varric chuckled as he watched her. “Is a side effect of being a reaver you lose your tastebuds?”

Avery snorted as she put her mug on the nearby table. “No, it’s because I’m Ferelden. Dogs can drink anything.”

Well, she was technically only half-Ferelden… but she hated Leandra so fuck her.

“As long as you didn’t get it for me.” Moses took a sip of his drink as well before putting it aside. He didn’t die, so clearly the barkeep hadn’t screwed that up. “What did you want to talk about, Varric?”

The dwarf was in the midst of scribbling something down. Moses’ words caused him to pick up his head, and for the first time he seemed to realize the state of the two sitting in front of him. His eyebrow quirked as he processed the details, and he glanced from one to the other. Finally, whatever conclusion he came to, he shook his head.

“I’m going to guess none of that blood belongs to either of you.”

The half-elf glanced down at her dirty armor – her breastplate was particularly spattered with blood, and her boots and gloves were positively caked in it. Moses hadn’t fared much better – the blood had soaked deep into his robes, particularly at the edges of his sleeves. Both of them also had blood splashed across their faces like secondary kaddis, but Avery also had some around her mouth.

Also, they kind of stank. Blood was smelly.

“Guess I didn’t notice how much got on me.” Avery nodded her head to Moses. “Little help with that?”

Her adopted brother nodded, and then his eyes glowed a deep red. The tingling started along her hands, her toes, and soon covered the rest of her. This was the point Avery usually closed her eyes, more out of instinct than any real reason. Something about spells just made her feel like doing it, like she thought it would make it work better.

Maybe it did, she never kept her eyes open during magic so what did she know?

When she opened her eyes again, her armor was clean and so were Moses’ robes. The blood was gone from his face, and a quick rub of her cheeks showed that she had fared the same. The only thing left now was her kaddis – no magic could get that shit off.

“You do good work, Moses.” Avery stretched, listening as her armor clinked. “Anyway, no, none of that belonged to us. It got a little messy on the Wounded Coast on the way back, nothing we couldn’t handle of course.”

Varric chuckled at her words, and she watched as he grabbed a new piece of parchment and dipped his quill. “Care to share how that happened?”

“So we’re just here for material.” Moses’ voice was flat, but Avery knew better that she was shit talking. He shrugged in the end and took another sip of his drink before putting it aside once more. Maybe he thought the alcohol would loosen him up.

That, or he was waiting for her to tell the story.

When he didn’t say anything, Avery got the hint. Despite herself, she snorted as she tilted back her mug for a deep drink. Once it was done, she wiped her mouth on the back of her hand – somewhere, Leandra was cringing – and smirked.

“Fine, I’ll tell him. You just sit there and look pretty.”

Then she glanced over towards the dwarf, who had his quill poised and ready to go. “Alright, here’s what happened…”

---

“Ok, this time I swear, no more chanter’s board missions.”

“You said that last time.”

Yeah, she had… but the money had been good and it hadn’t sounded hard. Who knew that going to get some dude’s grandma’s great grandma’s amulet would put them face first with a fucking cult of cannibals they’d have to fight?

They should put that shit in the fine print or something.

This time, it was just herself, Moses, and their dogs. Everyone else had either been too busy or down with a cold that had been going around Lowtown. Since they were the only two healthy people they trusted for this sort of thing, it had led to them heading out on their own.

Not a big deal, they worked well together.

“You sent that one’s head pretty fucking far, though. I swear it bounced.” Avery suppressed an almost lusty giggle as she adjusted her spot on Moses’ shoulders. Thanks to her position, she could use her elf eyes to her advantage and scan ahead for advance notice of danger. So far, she was just seeing rocks, leaves, and the ocean. Nothing was really piquing her interest, but it was wise to never let your guard down on the Wounded Coast.

Below her, Moses let out a satisfied noise at the praise. “You cut one in half with your shield. Did you sharpen it before we left?”

“You know it!” She chuckled as the dogs barked below. “Sounds like Chewy and Dog had fun too. Looks like they’re going to need a bath later, though. Somebody rolled in dead people and they stink~!”

The offending parties whined at the “b” word, but there was nothing they could do about it. Leandra would throw a fit if the house smelled like corpses, and she liked to make things easier on Orana if possible. Sure, she was going to get soaked… but she could probably use the bath too after the long walk.

That was at least what she told herself to make up for how wet she was later.

“Your dog is a bad in- “Moses stopped moving. “Up ahead… do you see anything?”

Avery cocked an eyebrow as she glanced off into the distance as requested. At first, all she could really see were more rocks and bushes. However, one of them wasn’t moving right. Animals didn’t hide like that, and she saw a flash of metal as something sharp looking poked out of the brush for a moment.

Animals didn’t wear plate mail.

“There’s at least one of them.” She lowered her voice. “Doesn’t look like they’re packing magic. How do you want to go about this, go around or just deal with it?”

Unfortunately for them, they weren’t going to get that decision. The sound of an arrow releasing from a bow caused Avery to pulled out her shield to block the oncoming projectile. Then two more flew, stopped by Moses’ quick barrier. There were at least 3 on the cliffs by her approximation, and who knew how many on the ground.

Talk about getting cocky and walking ass first into an ambush.

Moses’s staff was glowing as Avery stood on her brother’s shoulders, sword unsheathed. At the next sight of movement, she jumped clear from her position and let gravity do the rest. She crash landed hard on the man who had jumped from the bushes, armed with a heavy looking maul and dented, pitted armor.

He didn’t have much use for that maul as she brought him crashing to the ground, breaking his neck. What a pity.

“Alright, I killed this one. Anyone else want to try sneaking up on us?”

There was a growl to Avery’s voice as she cleared the body, sword and shield at the ready. Her answer came with two daggers thrust at her from a hiding space in the cliff wall. One she managed to block, but the other sent out a spray of warm blood as it slid across her right arm. Red began to drip down her armor, spattering her shield, as a woman with two daggers approached.

“Big mistake, asshole.” Avery smirked as she felt the familiar sensation boiling in her stomach, as if her entire body was heating up. “You’re going to regret that.”

Then she was off, faster than before, sword digging deep into the woman’s neck and driving her to the ground. The half-elf pressed hard, blood splashing her armor as she heard the familiar crunching of bone and the wet plop as the head separated from the body. She kicked it towards the cliff, watching as it splashed to the oceans below.

The fish liked eyes, so they’d have fun with that.

Still feeling the battle rage, Avery glanced around and spotted one of the archers behind a tree. Her reaver-aided reflexes powered her over, and soon she was face-to-face with a terrified rogue who dropped their bow.

Something about an angry, activated reaver scared people. Was it the teeth? Or was it the blood lust that called for her to rip people apart with her bare hands?

Nah, it was probably the teeth. They were pretty sick.

“D-Don’t hurt me!” They held up their hands. “I-I’ll tell you everything! Who hired us, who- “

Avery grabbed them by the neck, fingers digging in as she held them high above her head. Their eyes were wide as they tried to pry her claws from their flesh, but it was no use. With a grunt, she swung back and bashed them into the tree, hearing bones break as their body went limp. A crumpled body fell to the ground, blood leaking from puncture wounds in the neck.

Just in case, she crushed their windpipe with a hearty stomp. Never could be too careful with rogues – they played dead.

---

Across the field, Moses was locked in a similar battle with the party’s hidden caster. Spells were flying a mile a minute, battering the barriers and sizzling against the rocks. His opponent preferred primal magic, and they had some skill for it. Their fireballs were blazing, and the ice made his fingers ache from the chill.

Plus there was lightning. He hated lightning.

“You must be a fool to think an apostate like you can stand up to me!” the mage laughed as they hurled another spell. “I was recruited from Montsimmard specifically for this mission!”

Moses responded with another blast of his staff. “Didn’t think they let circle mages out for assassinations.”

“Oh, when the target is worth enough they will. You two have made some powerful enemies across the sea.” A barrier stopped his spell before it could hit. “A lot of coin changed hands for this.”

No doubt because he was a circle mage, he wasn’t used to being in the sun. Sweat was already dripping down his brow, which he wiped with his hand. It left a bloody smear as he moved his hand away and returned it to his staff. There was blood there too, either from a caster’s blister bursting or from battle damage.

It was enough.

Moses smirked as he spotted the blood and pulled back for a second. It was easier to do this with his blood, but as long as it was warm and there was enough he could pull it off. If he was smelling it right, his opponent still had an open wound.

The magic tingled in his blood as he ran his finger along a sharp edge of his staff. Blood dripped into a special divot, and then the whole thing glowed red. So did his bleeding hand as he extended it towards his opponent.

“Lay down your arm.”

The mage’s eyes widened as their bleeding hand began to waiver, dropping to their side. It caused the staff in their hands to drop to the ground too, and the barrier wore off thanks to that. They were open for attack now.

“You… you’re a blood mage!”

Moses definitely rolled his eyes as he powered up a new attack, blood singing in his veins. “Did your employer not tell you?”

Guess they wanted to cut corners. Talk about shoddy assassination attempts.

Oh well, it didn’t matter. He clenched his fist, feeling both his and his opponent’s blood bubble. For him, it was a comfort – he knew this magic well. For the other man, it was no doubt terrifying. And it was only going to get worst as he clenched tighter, blood dripping down his fist and into his staff.

It was always a sight to blow someone up with blood magic. Luckily, he had his barrier up so the chunks didn’t hit him.

Moses wasn’t finished yet, though. There was more blood on the field now, enough that he had something to work with. He sliced another finger open and let it drip to the ground, mixing his blood with his fallen foe’s. Soon, it began to glow as well, and he glanced around. There was an archer not too far away, definitely within range.

He clenched his fist, and then the gory lance fired. Off in the distance, he heard it collide with the archer and felt the blood splash against his magic. Then they went cold, and there was nothing left but fresh blood.

Just one left.

Luckily, he didn’t have to find that one. A thump of a body drew his attention as Avery reappeared, a woman laying face down on the ground in front of her. She was still breathing, but that didn’t say much.

---

“Found her.”

There was still a growl to Avery’s voice as she grabbed the woman by the collar and hauled her up. She was still alive, but trembling. Perhaps that was natural – she was facing a reaver and a blood mage who very much wanted to get home and get paid.

Plus, you know, she’d seen her party be ripped apart, exploded, and impaled with their own blood. It was a little hard for normal mercs to get used to that kind of thing, or so she had been told.

Really, it was embarrassing. Someone should’ve broken the bank on this one.

“You two are monsters!” Her voice trembled. “He said it was just a simple assassination! Nobody was supposed to die!”

Moses’s finger was still bleeding as he approached, glowing red like his eyes as a warning sign. “You were cannon fodder.”

Avery nodded, smirking enough to show her fangs. “Sucks to be you. Now, why don’t you tell us who hired your little gang for amateur hour?”

The archer trembled like a bowl of jelly at the sight of the bloodbath in front of her. No doubt she knew what was coming. Her options were telling them and probably die, run and definitely die, or take a running start into the sea. Either way, she wasn’t walking out of there.

Which option would she pick?

“I-I…” She swallowed hard. “I won’t- “

And then she screamed. Avery was many things, but patient wasn’t one of them. Add in the fact her reaver mode removed some of her self-control, and things got a little crazy. Apparently, today’s crazy involving biting someone in the shoulder.

At least it was better than the neck.

“You’re worse than Dog and Chewy.” Moses didn’t sound too disappointed as he approached, hand glowing as he healed the wound. It was all a show – proof they could keep doing this for as long as possible. They called it healer and biter, and it got rave reviews for information gathering.

Nobody they inflicted it on liked it much, but they usually died after so who cared?

The shivering woman placed a hand over her healed shoulder and tried to back away from her attacker, but she didn’t get far. The dogs were nearby, growling and showing their fangs. One word, and they’d go for it.

Not much room to run.

Her eyes glanced back to Moses. “It… it was Lord Seymour. He had a brother in Kirkwall you two killed for… for…”

Avery supplied it for her. “For abusing his servants and using one in a ritual to try to bring back his wife.”

“Didn’t work, by the way. He just summoned a demon who wore his face like a badly made hat.” Moses shook his head. “Took forever to kill that one.”

And they didn’t even get paid, because Aveline wouldn’t give them money for doing her job for her. Iat was a bit of a sore spot, honestly.

The archer’s eyes widened at this. “No! He said… he said…”

Her eyes filled with tears. “He… lied to us, didn’t he?”

Avery groaned, slapping a bloody hand to her forehead. “Maker’s ass, it really was amateur hour. Where the fuck is Lord Seymour, I’m using his tongue to clean my fucking boots when we’re done here.”

She shot the woman a glare. “I can’t kill an incompetent, doesn’t reflect well on my record. If you get the fuck out of my face in five seconds, maybe you’ll survive the way back to Kirkwall.”

Moses nodded at this, eyes finally losing the glow. “We’ll handle your employer.”

And by handle, he meant tear the fuck apart. It was implied, of course, but it was there.

Their would-be assassin clambered to her feet and sprinted off, no doubt well on her way to facing whatever hell awaited her on the Wounded Coast. With any luck, she wouldn’t tell her employer about this.

Even if she did, they were still coming for him.

The large mage shook his head as he turned to his adopted sister. “You’re getting soft. Last year you would’ve thrown her off the cliff.”

“I know, I’m a regular bleeding heart.” The glow from her eyes was gone now too, and she yawned as she sheathed her sword. Then she glanced around, lip curling. “Fuck, we really made a mess of the place didn’t we?”

She had seen slaughterhouses that looked less gory on processing day, and that was saying something. There were mage bits everywhere, and off in the distance there was a new corpse missing a head. At least the carrion crows would have a fun seek-and-find meal on their hands when they caught the scent.

They were practically humanitarians for all animal kind at this rate.

Avery felt her pants tingle as Moses removed the blood with the last of his bleeding finger. Once that was clear, she hopped onto his shoulders to continue their journey home. There was a new item on their to-do list, and with any luck they’d find a lead when they got back to the city.

It shouldn’t be too hard – Lords usually had big houses with their crests on them. Made it downright easy to find them honestly.

---

“And that’s how it happened.”

Varric had filled four pages with notes by the time she had finished He capped his ink well and put them aside so they could dry. With any luck, he’d be able to take the good bits and turn it into something interesting.

Maybe they could get royalties out of it.

“The gore’s a little much for my readers, but I think I can make it work.” He leaned back in his chair. “So, I’m guessing you’re looking for this Lord Seymour next?”

Moses nodded as he finished the last of his drink. “We’ve got a lead to look into thanks to the archer.”

“Not only that, but someone also saw him at the chantry in Hightown. Guess he was praying for his brother’s soul or something.” Avery drained the last of her drink with a long gulp before wiping her mouth on the back of her hand again. “We’re heading there next.”

The dwarf chuckled at this. “So kind of you to stop by to tell me of your adventures before you have more, gives me time to rest my wrist.”

Couldn’t have their favorite writer getting carpal tunnel, now could they?

He watched as the two stood, mugs in hand. “Don’t get too bloody this time, you two. You’ll make them suspicious.”

“I make no promises on the matter, Varric.” Avery waived over her shoulder as they left him behind, depositing their mugs at the door. It was back out into Lowtown they went, a goal in sight and a propensity for violence brewing.

With any luck, he’d be inside his house. Made the screams and blood spatter easier to hide when they were on someone else’s territory.

[utilitycaster]

Wizard breakdown tracker

Welcome to a new and wholly unasked for feature, in which I procrastinate what I should be doing (currently: reading about MRIs, finishing up some Passover kitchen cleaning) in favor of providing a status update on our wizard NPCs, who are as a rule getting their lives flipped and turned upside down in part by the the Mighty Nein. I intend to keep up with this nonsense until such time as Trent Ikithon is dead or as good as.

Note: Caleb Widogast, as a PC and member of the Mighty Nein, is not included on this list. Vess DeRogna is assumed to be still dead unless otherwise indicated. Wizard NPCs who have not made an appearance nor been mentioned in some time will not be included but may be put on the list in future weeks if they turn up.

Ludinus Da’leth: haven’t heard from him in a while but Astrid mentioned him; last we heard he’d lost the Nein in Eiselcross. Probably hanging out and having a great time knowing that Vess DeRogna is missing, presumed dead and that Trent Ikithon is having a miserable time. I bet that smug bastard doesn’t realize his overture to Caleb just made him more complicit and a storm’s a-coming.

Conclusion: 0/10. Pretty sure this man won’t believe he can die until a sword is stuck through him and even then he’ll have some doubts.

Trent Ikithon: according to Astrid, he’s a little twitchy; Caleb’s shown that even when quite literally backed into a corner he’s uninterested in making bargains, and also can capably counterspell him. Plus his underlings let the Nein go and even if he doesn’t know this was intentional, seems like it would be a rough day.

Conclusion: 4/10. Not pulling out the big guns yet, probably, but starting to ramp things up.

Essek Thelyss: Oh, Essek. You poor, poor elf man. Yes, you laid the groundwork, but I have to say I think pacing via floating would be uniquely unsatisfactory in relieving stress. Jester’s messages have made it worse, you’ve been expecting to die every day for the last six weeks, and what exactly did Trent do to you?

Conclusion: 8/10. Please give him some whiskey-spiked tea and sympathy in the tower tonight.

Astrid Beck: Well she’s betrayed Trent like four times in the last week already and, initial reunion conversation with Caleb aside, the Mighty Nein have been fucking up her shit ever since that dinner, so.

Conclusion: 8/10 and rising. Help her Bob, she’s having a mental breakdown in the alley. (god I hope people know sea shanteys other than The Wellerman or this is going to be a joke only I enjoy).

E(a,o)dwulf “Then Perish” Grieve(?): Wulf is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, isn’t he. Here’s what we know: Big. Strong. Forearms. Cut his parents’ throats as a teenager. Sometimes does work at Vergesson. Keeps saying “you look good” to Caleb like he’s a romanceable video game character. Raven Queen, but not sure of whether he multiclassed or is just a religious wizard who lifts. Knows wristpocket and uses it to hide his flask. Joined Astrid in Nicodranas, so in on the plan, but she seems to be the one in charge.

Conclusion: 5/10. Fewer betrayals than Astrid, but he’s definitely at least guilty of aiding and abetting.

Pumat Sol: Missing the Spice Girls already. Some weird guy in a cloak keeps stopping by his shop. You know, the usual.

Conclusion: 2/10, probably a little nervous he’s going to get audited for illegal high level spells. On the other hand, the Assembly’s been leaving him alone - no Vess DeRogna threats for a while!

Allura Vyesoren: I mean, it’s not the first time that a rag-tag bunch of misfits has asked for her help regarding a world-ending power and so far it’s gone pretty good! Also this woman has watched Scanlan Shorthalt cast Wish and survived, she’s got a great marriage and a cool tower, she’s on the Tal’Dorei council; it’s going to take a lot to truly unsettle her.

Conclusion: 3/10. She doesn’t have her staff, and the city is indeed a concern, but she’s been through worse.

Yussa Errenis: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Conclusion: ∞ /10. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

[mapleandgingeroatmeal]

The Chetney Playlist Analysis

A.K.A Orbit spends many hours of her precious fleeting life reading way too into the sings in Travis's playlist because someone had to do it!!

Love to @captainofthetidesbreathetidesbreath for hyping this playlist enough to light a fire under my ass; please if you read this reblog and give me your thoughts!

My analysis will be structured thus: 

1), a disclaimer about wolf imagery in popular media and in this playlist

2), everything we know about Chetney, and about Ch(U)tney, who I’m treating as a separate, but still important for context, character. 

3), a breakdown of each song, pointing out any lyrics that I find particularly significant 

4), Wild speculation about the conclusions that can be drawn by combining parts 2 and 3

5), in which I summarize all of the above and, to the best of my ability, predict the sad life’s story of Chetney Pock O’Pea.

1) A Disclaimer About Werewolves.

These songs all have to do with werewolves; that’s the gimmick of the playlist, that’s the distraction tactic Travis is using to gaslight you into ignoring his own narrative genius. But Chetney’s only been a werewolf for a few months out of his very long life! This means that many of the songs that still involve wolf theming/lyrics probably don’t actually have much to do with that part of him. Wolves are also very popular animals that’ve been used as metaphors in many songs for many purposes over the years. This means it is very possible to pick and choose which wolf-y songs you use to construct a specific narrative. 

2) Ch(E)tney Facts, Ch(U)tney Facts, and the Venn Diagram Between Them

Ch(U)tney was the oldest Elf still working in Santa’s workshop. He’s famous for his actions at the very end of the One-Shot, but he was actually making his anti-santa stance pretty clear from the jump! Remember that whole bit where he tries to convince the crew to abandon Santa, then roles a nat 20 strength check to lift the gift sack and declares a “new world order?” Note that Chutney isn’t just expressing displeasure, but actively trying to convince others to side with him.

Now what do we know about Ch(E)tney? He was also a toymaker, originally from Uthodurn. He, like Ch(U)tney, prefers the old-fashioned way of toy making with wood. He worked for someone named Oltgar, and had to flee the city after a disagreement in which he messed up his boss “something fierce”, as he puts it. Stabbed with a wooden chisel, mayhaps? Those are the biographical details. In terms of personality, Chetney is intelligent, experienced, and considers himself the leadership type (“respect the alpha” and all that). He’s jumpy and blunt, but also observant, emotionally intelligent, and very capable of expressing real sympathy and concern for his teammates. For skillset, besides the obvious wolf stuff, he’s very stealthy and good at using that chisel to do crime. 

So with all that set up, let’s look at the songs!

3) Songs About Fighting (and wolves)

As the title of this section hints, the throughline of most of these songs is how so many of them concern battles; ones in progress, ones lost, and ones about to begin. Speaking of beginning:

Werewolf by The Frantics

No lyrics on this bad boy, only music and howling! Perhaps the only one of these songs that is exactly as simple as Travis sells it. 

Lifeline by Bad Wolves

This one is for sure a cry for help, with lines like “Reaching out, I need a lifeline/I don’t know if I can carry this on my own” reflecting a singer with a burden that’s becoming too much for them. Also important are the lines “It's a dwelling, call it deep insight/When the best no longer tries to fight/The sweetest sugar swoon/The darkest side of moons”

We Will Rock You (feat. Maria Brink, Lzzy Hale and Taylor Momsen) by In this Moment

Chetney’s attitude and life are written all over this song! The verses follow someone from a boy playing on the street, to a young man with big plans, to a poor old man. The middle verse is the most important here, with lines like “fighting in the street, gonna take on the world someday” and “waving your banner all over the place”

Wolf Totem (feat. Jacoby Shaddix) by The Hu

This is definitely about some kind of fight, either one in progress or one that the singer is asserting their willingness to have. Note the lines “We got your back, we all been low, lets all rise to the brethren code.”

Wolves by Selena Gomez & Marshmello

I agree with @Captainofthetidesbreath that this is about a character we haven’t met yet; almost definitely a lost love of some sort, most likely pre-werewolf but sticking with the theme for the sake of the bit.

Fire Inside by Pop Evil

This one’s about staying determined in a fight that you’ve been preparing for. It’s very much in thematic conversation with Wolf Totem and Rock You, with lyrics like “Time to write my story, make history”, and “After all these battles, yeah, I'm ready for war”.

Kidnap The Sandy Claws by The Nightmare Before Christmas Soundtrack

As surface-level obvious as this one’s meaning is, I think it's actually one of the songs that has the biggest hints towards Chetney’s story! This is more fight/battle theming, but more specific than in any song so far. It’s about an organized and collaborated effort to kidnap and harm a specific powerful person. (Yes it is, stop laughing!!)

Seven Nation Army by SKÁLD

Never looked at all the lyrics to this song before! They’re actually a lot more cynical and defeated sounding than you’d think, with lines like “And I'm talking to myself at night/Because I can't forget”, and “I'm going to Wichita/Far from this opera forevermore”. Googling around, the song is about leaving a town where your community has become toxic and turned against you. 

Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf) by AWOLNATION

This song is the first one that I think truly is about being a werewolf. The line “Imma make a deal with the bad wolf, so the bad wolf don’t bite no more” just screams “accepting lycanthropy”. There’s these lines that also read as important to me: “My enemy is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen/You know I'll run away for a couple years just to prove I've never been free.” 

Animals by Architects

If there’s like a low point/darkest hour to this story, it’s in this song. The lyrics are desperate and defeatist. The most interesting lyrics for our purposes are: “I dug my heels, I thought that I could stop the rot/The ground gave way, now I've lost the plot”.

Howlin’ for You by The Black Keys

I think this song lives in the same house as the Silena Gomez song does; very romantic, directed towards a character we don’t know about yet.

Thriller by Michael Jackson

Everyone knows whats up with this song. It’s spooky scary! It’s about a person getting attacked and corrupted by monsters late at night, which is exactly what happened to Our Boy Cheyney. 

Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon

A song about a more refined and controlled, but still very dangerous, monster. Maybe a sexy flirty werewolf instead of a terrifying out of control one.

Christmas With The Devil by Spinal Tap

Ok this is the other one that’s pretty surface-level still. Santa but he’s bad and evil and associated with cool badass demon stuff (like werewolves??)

4) Wild (or not so wild) Speculation 

If you’ve been paying attention, there are a few recurring things to tease out. One is fighting; many songs (lifeline, animals, fire inside, wolf totem, and we will rock you) are centered around battles won, lost, and anticipated. Two is organization and teamwork! References to “The Brethren code”, “waving your banner”, and generally battles which are fought with many people. Third is Lycanthropy and how it’s used and related to. Thriller,  Werewolves of London, animals, and hollow moon all fall into this category. 

Now let’s put everything together. Ch(E)tney has a long past with a company that (assuming from Chutney) does not appreciate his work appropriately. Ch(U)tney had a history of convincing people to give up on Santa, and Chetney’s playlist contains many songs about organized groups and violence. We know Chetney is the leadership type. He has strong convictions, violence in his soul, and the ability to be both smart and extremely empathetic and charming when need be. “But Orbit”, you say, “Chetney is a toymaker, which is a traditionally peaceful profession! Who would he be fighting?” The answer to that of course, is Santa Clause! Or Otgar in this case. For a while it was vague speculation, but now I am fully convinced that Chetney was the leader of some kind of violent worker’s uprising in Uthodurn. He’s got all the perfect qualities needed in a union rep, especially a rep who’s maybe willing to start an entire revolt for the cause. A revolt that cumulates in the kidnap and mutilation of his boss, Otgar.

5) Putting It Together: The Ballad(s) of Chetney Pock O’Pea.

I’m going to organize this part by rearranging the songs into what I’d consider “chronological” order, and the story as I’m predicting it will form around the songs. This is very speculative obviously, and I’m painting in very broad strokes because I don’t want to go very far beyond what I can glean from the information we already have.

We Will Rock You goes first because it describes a boy, the youngest Chetney we see, and goes all the way up until Chetney is already an old man. This is the point at which the story Travis is telling seems to start. The song fast forwards through childhood and most of adulthood, into Chetney’s old age. Any sort of worker’s rebellion he started didn’t occur until this point. One day there’s a breaking point, when he realizes that his job will never appreciate him despite years of service, and he decides to do something about it in Seven Nation Army. This choice leads to Wolf Totem, a song with lyrics that call people who’ve been laid low to fight, to answer the call of a code. That sure sounds like a worker’s union rallying cry to me! So Chetney’s been calling unhappy workers to action against Otgar, and then we have a song about whatever riots actually occur in Fire Inside. This is also where I’m going to place the two sings that (credit to @captainofthetidesbreath for this idea) I am convinced relate to an important player in Chetney’s story that we haven’t met yet, probably a romantic figure of some kind. Howlin’ For You and Wolves both fit here, in that order. 

So we have this worker’s revolt, and maybe its not going well orhas reached a stalemate. How do you escalate things and ensure someone hears your demands? Simple! You Kidnap The Sandy Clause! Chetney’s rouge skills have gotta come in handy somewhere in this backstory! After the kidnapping comes Christmas With The Devil, and presumably whatever kind of negotiation/torture Chetney puts his boss through. However that plays out, we know it doesn’t end well. The revolution fails, and Chetney is kicked out of the city by the glass blades with his boss injured badly but alive.

So here’s where things get wolfy! We’ve been told this part, at least loosely. In Thriller, Cheyney is alone at night, attacked by something horrific. He fights for his life, but he can’t resist the thriller (i.e the lycanthropy curse) once it hits him. The next morning he has to sit an take stock of what’s happened to him, in Hollow Moon. He decides in that moment that this is a power he can “make a deal” with, that can be a friend in helping him get tey revenge he wants in a few years. So Chetney spends a few months with the wolf, which proves to be a bigger struggle then he imagined. He’s drowning, he’s lost the plot, he’s got the attitude in Animals. This leads to admitting to himself that he needs help, and Lifeline sees him finally seeking out The Bells in what becomes the sweetest song in the playlist with that context. Finally, Werewolves of London is a fun song that’s caught up with Chetney as he is now. Dangerous, fun, getting used to his powers and living it up flirting with big women in the city.

Wow that was a lot! Please argue with me in the reblogs, I want to talk to people about this small angry man so badly that I wrote 2,000 words about it.