#it can be so anxiety inducing not knowing 'what not?' BUT! THEY'LL BE OKAY!

[tiyoin]

pt.4 | 📍pt.5

rewrote, edited and proofread chapter five cause I thought it was horseshit and you guys deserved more from me. 🫶

numb.

you tried to feel numb.

doing everything in your power to push down any kind of emotion that was ready to slip through your mask.

look ahead, stand tall, put one foot in front of the other so no one would know you were wearing a confidence coat that was 2 sizes too small.

don't breathe too loud they'll hear you.

don't step too loud they'll think about your weight.

don't blink too much they'll think you're fluttering your lashes at them.

don't tuck your chin in they'll think you're gross.

gross for what exactly? everything.

don't mess up the stepping pattern or else you'll look like a bumbling idiot as you try to get back on the rhythm.

don't clench your fists they'll think you're mad and unapproachable.

don't smile because you're not in front of a mirror where you can control how much you want to give away.

don't think too hard or else you'll become enraptured with your daydreams and you won't be able to take part in reality.

don't do anything with your lips or else some air will come in and create a sound that sounds similar to a fart. then they'll think you're extra gross.

all these rules you had to follow to 'be normal,' weren't an actual set of rules, but a lifestyle. you wouldn't get collared if you didn't do one of the rules, you wouldn't get yelled at or reprimanded.

you were okay. to your knowledge that is.

on the outside, you probably looked like you had a stick up your ass. always in a rush to get to where you needed to go. like one of those rolling backpack kids back in your world. whenever they would pass they'd take casualties with them. rolling over toes, pencils, teachers- there was nothing in their way they couldn't bulldoze through.

you were just missing the wheels and will of iron it took to be seen with such a… what’s the right word- atrocity, in public, let alone an all-boys school.

underneath the habits and self-induced numbness, past all the anxiety and fear there was a tickle. not an actual tickle, but a sudden feeling you couldn't identify. it wasn't rage or frustration. you weren't sad or envious... you think- it was something gentler than that.

something softer yet just as negative was infesting your heart and mind like a slow-acting poison. poisoning your thought process, your habits, your attitude, and your livelihood.

though the breeze and sunshine walking to class supplied your flesh with warm- there was a chill over your heart. the beams of warmth too short to reach into the many cracks and holes that were created. sometimes you thought there was a bug. a big, juicy parasitic bug that would suck away your hopes and feast on your memories. It had a sweet tooth that was for certain, only targeting happy memories as it kept you with the bad ones.

did you ever have happy memories?

there was nothing you could do about the pestering leech. it wouldn't go away with Kalim's warmth and silver's calm. two sides of the same coin.

but no matter how many times you flipped: heads or tails, heads or tails, heads or tails would never work.

yes, you would smile, you would laugh- put on a poor show to convince yourself and others that there was nothing wrong. Everything was okay deep down and inside your twisted little mind. 

sometimes, you weren't sure who exactly you were performing for. 

"why am I scared to laugh" you remembered asking yourself one night, putting down your jester's hat for the evening. 

looking in the dusty mirror, your eyes carefully roamed your face, ticking off imperfections as you scanned every feature, scrutinizing every fold, and every slight bump on your skin. saving the most obvious imperfection for last, you finally acknowledged the brewing red horn ready to grow on the side of your forehead.

you knew it was a normal thing that teenagers of all ages experienced. but you felt especially helpless now, with the lack of beauty supplies and makeup. but with a quick brush of your hair, the brewing red horn disappeared behind some tresses of hair.

"I look like a demon"

...

"though if it was on my nose, i'd look like rudolph"

there was no punchline. yet the observation- not even an original comparison, made you laugh. 

A tiny huff puffed from your chest. though the more you imagined yourself with deer ears and a bright lobster red nose, you could feel your thoracic region start to shake. trying to push the sixth sense of judgment the walls were giving you, you forced yourself to laugh. holding onto this artificial laugh as long as you could. you hadn't laughed in a while. hadn't smiled in a minute. you'd barely look at yourself in the mirror most days.

gripping onto the vanity you watched your eyes crinkle and smile stretch. tripping and stumbling over scattered objects in your room you were still clenching your stomach nonetheless.

you felt like a tumbling tornado. clumsily tripping over everything with no set destination or concern for the things in your path. a shoe got kicked up. a pen you remembered liking got stepped and rolled on. a book you read a few nights ago kicked to the door as you set your eyes on your bed. with a few more violent acts towards inanimate objects, you carried your shaking body to bed.

this was it. you were going insane, weren't you?

all you needed was a canvas and paints and you'd truly become insane.

flopping down unceremoniously you let it linger for a second. sighing in contentment as you stared up at the ceiling.

you loved laughing, it was fun! but you were afraid to laugh, to live. remembering Kalim's quote of 'Everything is fun when you make it fun,' you wanted to scoff at his naivety. but Kalim was right.

if you made things miserable for yourself that's how they'll be.

directing your mind back to your head, you blinked owlishly.

oh. you were so caught up in the daydream you forgot you were in the hallways.

peeking through bumping shoulders, you tried looking towards the wall to check the room number.

"shit"

making a giant u-turn with as many 'excuse me's' and 'pardon me's,' you rerouted yourself back to your class. never having walked this way to class you were a bit hesitant. what if you walked by it again? what if someone is watching you and making fun of you for being a daft idiot?

breathe.

but what if you're late for class? crewel will have your hide- skin? doesn't matter what it is cause it'll be his. what if they all laugh when we're late-

we're not late yet it's only-

but when we get to class we'll be late!

perking up when you noticed the assigned numbers to your class, you weaved through the chattering sardines and beelined it to class.

no bell. no expectant crewel. no eyes besides from the easy-to-ignore front row. perfect.

the sigh you were holding in finally set itself free as you adjusted the grip of your books, and you strolled down the isles.

don't walk too fast they'll think you're strange.

but also don't walk too slow so they don't think you're lazy.

head down absent-mindedly adjusting your books, you followed your hand's cue and put your attention on a fixed thing. aka: your books.

but to your relief, you soon found your seat. with a huff, you unloaded the cargo pulled out some loose-leaf paper, and started writing.

writing what? not even you knew. but it made you look busy and that was important.

you didn't lay around in bed all day. you didn't continuously scroll through your phone to distract yourself. you didn't cry at night looking at everyone's socials, wishing it was you having fun. envy bubbling like a nasty tar in your bloodstream as you scorned everyone for having fun when you're miserbale-

"y/n!'

"oow"

sliding in next to you was silver. hair disheveled and tie ever so crooked, though he still looked really good-

pervert a voice whispered. tensing, you looked around and saw no one paying attention to your little corner.

"I tried calling you in the hallway." his boyish smile eased a beat in your rhythmic heart, only for it to take 2 more beats.

"y-you did?" you gulped.

silver nodded as he organized his books. "Yeah, but it's so chaotic and loud I'm guessing you didn't hear me" you nodded in agreement, tongue slipping over itself as you tried conjuring up an excuse.

"I- uh I'm really sorry I didn't hear you. I didn't even know you were there! I was kinda worried about not being elbowed to death." you didn't know why you were chuckling at the end but it felt scene-appropriate. you weren't sure if you believed what you told silver despite it being the truth.

was he going to refute it? was he going to give you a once over and mentally think 'how dare they ignore me' because all the diasomnia students you'd interact with had that very haughty, entitled personality?

 but to your slight dissatisfaction, silver only nodded in understanding.

"I'm real-"

"There's no-"

you both started at the same time, sharing a shy smile at the pause.

"you can go ahead" he nodded. Waving your hands, you disagreed. "you were talking first, I'm sorry, go ahead"

even though you gave the green light, silver still heisted to go. giving the air another few seconds before he started talking.

"there is no need to ask for forgiveness. I understand if you couldn't hear me, I'm not the most vocal after all. if only sebek were here" he mulled the last part. wincing at the name, you wanted to pinch yourself for slipping up. damnit you showed that you didn't like a person he was friends with- he'll hate you now. you're screwed, you screwed yourself. don't you understand that he's probably planning on running to sebek as soon as you leave? then everyone in diasomnia is going to hate you-

you nodded, tiny little yellow sponges in white shirts and red ties ran around your brain as a fire roared throughout- wherever they were inside your head.

you tried to push the flood of incoming thoughts into a box, a big red crate with a crab lock to be exact. you were feeling antsy, looking for anything to focus on besides the silver-haired upperclassman in front of you. 

sometimes you wish you were a computer. unable to feel and to only run on logic. it seems easier that way.

a thought bubble popped into your brain like an internet pop-up ad. 

did they even have computers in twisted wonderland? duh of course they do, they have phones after all.

the thought of twisted wonderland's technology started to swarm and hijack your train of thought. effectively taking out the conductor and changing its course.

did they also have an Industrial Revolution like the United States had? what was the start of it? which kingdom had it first? was there something to set off the alleged revolution? How is it the same and how is it different from your world's?

did magic have allay in it? of course, it did. but how did magic make it different than-

"y/n"

snapping your head at the familiar voice. you looked to silver. only able to take in physical information as the new conductor saw a hole in the tracks, pulling the breaks almost immediately.

"you okay there?"

slowly you nodded, as a few members of the hijacking team jumped out of the train- some ideas and questions with it.

"yeah.. sorry about that, kinda got lost in my train of thought there"

nodding with understanding, silver started talking about how he would sometimes start nodding off when he was talking to someone. half paying attention, half trying to save the train- your brain was split in half as you took in all internal and external information.

until you heard the magic words everyone loves to hear: "what were you thinking ab-"

"The Industrial Revolution"

"... pardon?"

anddd you failed, the train fell into the deep deep gorge that the tracks would normally allow the said train to glide over... but alas! they were gone! blown to smithereens as it guided the train into the deep cavern. a big explosion followed soon after. 

"dont worry about it" you brushed him off. saved by the bell as Crewel stood up, riding crop in hand yelling out orders like a drill sergeant.

silver scooted closer. you scooted back, the original distance between you two doubling. you were focused on writing your name, date etc & etc, on another loose-leaf paper.

the dreamy-eyed second-year made some noises before he knew what he was going to say. he started softly "are you okay"? but then grew slightly louder as unease set in "from... last class? I mean I know yuu told me it was a touchy subject but... i just wanted to check in"

your pencil screeched to a halt as the words 'yuu told me-' chanted in your head. it was the only thing you could focus on because what did he mean 'yuu said-'. "what did yuu say." you spoke, voice stable for the first time that morning.

silver's tongue tied itself as he fixed his hair a bit. "well..." he straightened up slightly, "after you stormed... no, escape is a better word. after you escaped the classroom yuu followed before i could. but crewel ended up stopping me before i could even move. and i asked yuu what happened the next time i saw them and asked how you were doing.. to sum it up: they told me you get nervous around new people soo"

dread set over you like a fast-approaching shadow.

oh no. he thinks you're a weird socially inept loser doesn't he? he thinks you're some kind of loser that doesn't go out weekends, weekdays, any day for all that matter. he probably makes fun of you with sebek. right?

"ah well," you cleared your throat. a lie already on the tip of your tongue "I mean it's like- a yes and no kinda thing. I didn't have a lot of guy friends when I was younger so being thrust" you thrust your hands in emphasis "into an al guys school has been quite the adjustment."

quickly, your mind conjured up a painting of a small house in a meadow filled with wildflowers. it was the only thing you could see for miles. it was a nice house with a straw roof, a smoking brick chimney, and a little garden outback. the only problem with the house is that you blew it up.

 with nuclear missiles. 

and the intensity of the blast was so strong that it created a small crater in the earth, no traces of the house were left as it's entire existence was reduced to ash and rubble all because of you.

the urge to bash your head into the nearest wall like intruding hornets slipping through a crack in an attic to terrorize a small family. there goes your social life right?? what soil life? you killed it before you could even nurture it!

your mouth and mind were running on autopilot while your conscience went blank.

your mouth was a fountain that spewed water everywhere. trying to get yourself out of the hole you dug yourself- crater, more specifically.

"but uhhh yeah, no you're good! you're different and I'm quite glad I got partnered with you since you're not as..."

"boisterous?" silver quipped.

you nodded. silver chuckled, leaning further away from you. "yeah me too. if I got paired with one of your friends only the sevens know how much damage that'll do to my physical and mental well-being"

you both discreetly looked over at the rest of the class watching as all pairs seemed to be in some kind of chaos. whether it's floyd being impulsive, grim trying to add the wrong chemical into a potion. (you didn't even need to know what they were making to know that whatever he's trying to sneak in- doesn't belong there.)

and you were thanking whatever god the people of twisted wonderland worshipped that you weren't paired with one of the adeuce combo. ace would try to take control of the project, pretending he knew what he was doing while simultaneously giving you backhanded compliments on your intelligence. only to ruin the entire project and somehow find a way to blame you for it. 

meanwhile, deuce and you would be two peas in a squished pod: not knowing what you're supposed to be doing and ultimately winging it as you tried to match your hot barbie pink potion to crewel's muted blush potion. knowing the both of you, it would end up navy blue and when crewel went to fix it he would add a pinch of fleabane- a literal pinch, and it'd be fixed. embarrassing the both of you for all eternity.

"I wonder which group is gonna blow up the lab first mused quick to shut your lips, you were quick to wish for a sewing kit to forcefully shut you up.

but a small voice whispered 'it's better to take risks than stay comfortable.'

and silver seemed... nice.

silver looked out at the crowd for a moment longer, turning to you he started slowly, "while the yuu, grim, and ace trio seem to be the most obvious choice...." he thought carefully, "epel and deuce seem to be at a loss of what to do and are about 6 shade off. which surprised me since epel is in pomfiore"

"he's actually sh- really-" you started again, taking a moment to think over what you were going to say "I heard that epel's not that great at potions despite being under vil's careful watch...." silver's eyes widened, replying with a soft 'really?' as he looked back to the groups with newfound interest.

you to yourself "never judge a book by its cover" you shrugged, immediately turning to your work. anxiously, you waited for a response. 

although circumstances are vastly different- is this how people felt when in the talking stage? if so it was a dreadful experience. 

before your pessimistic thoughts could even start, silver responded with a chuckle, enviably agreeing with your statement. you could almost sweat with relief as an invisible weight got lifted from your shoulders.

silver seems nice...

a new voice, meek and unsteady although louder than the usual pessestimic ones in control. and for once, you allowed yourself to feel the slight comfortable tingle it gave you.

the hope and drive to that you haven't felt or experienced in a while.

you wished to get closer to him.

taglist : @abell2029cluster @a1-ic3 @ars-tral @xingyunny @creamsweets @skei2p @dn4su @jjsmeowthie @h0rr0r-10ver-69 @nefe-kav @d3sperate-enuf @y2unagiz @im-here-for-the-fun-of-it @mel-star636 @7yu @lucky-whispers

[taikanyohou]

BOUNPREM + FILMOGRAPHY (2019- ).

“Everyday for the past three years, I always knew that tomorrow, there would be Between Us. When the camera turned off (after filming the last scene for Between Us), I felt my heart linger in that moment. I don’t know what the goal will be now tomorrow. More than having to wait, is the fear that there’s nothing now to wait for. So, what am I waiting for? My ultimate goal for the last three years has always been Between Us.”

[merakiui]

no because imagine you drop floyd after he proposes to you - you can probably write an okay article with what you’ve got - and you think you’re done with him for good, until a few weeks later you see that he’s run away from prison. imagine the fear of knowing he’s just out there and the way all his threats are circling across your mind, especially in the middle of the nights when the shadows look a little too similar to a certain someone.

And you'll never be able to predict what he might do now that he's escaped. Will he lay low until the chaos dies down? Will he come right for you, disregarding the risk altogether? Will he change his appearance to blend in with society? Have you already seen him out of the corner of your eye, or is that just your paranoia playing tricks on you? It's so terrifying and anxiety-inducing. You'll live in a constant state of fear and uncertainty. Every little sound startles you. From a creaky floorboard to the wind blowing harshly outside, it gives you such a terrible fright and triggers your flight or fight response immediately.

To keep yourself safe, you've installed extra locks on your doors, you keep your windows locked tight and the curtains closed, and you've even taken to staying with a friend or a loved one every now and then on the days when you don't feel very comfortable sleeping at home. You never stay out late anymore, and if you absolutely must you never travel home. You'll find somewhere to stay for the night, even if that means coughing up the funds for a one-night stay at a hotel. Even doing things during the day is frightening. You fear Floyd might pop out of nowhere and it'll be over for you. And you're constantly checking the news every day to see if there are any updates regarding the search for him. He's dangerous and hostile; surely they'll catch him. Surely they'll find him soon. Right?

You've finished writing the article and you've sent it to your editor for their perusal, but somehow you feel like it's better off remaining unpublished. You worry Floyd might see it if he happens to have access to the internet, and if he reads it and doesn't like what you've written... You shudder to think about what he can and will do to you if he ever catches you. He'd been so intent on marrying you when you met with him during interviews, shamelessly sharing all sorts of fantasies he's thought up involving you. Some were violent and criminal. Others were lewd and gross. Some were oddly...soft? Domestic? Sweet? Regardless, every fantasy of his was creepy when spoken in that lazy drawl. The one that crawls up your spine and settles into your bone marrow. Even now, you can hear how he'd pronounce 'Shrimpy' so perfectly, drawing out each letter with a toothy grin.

Weeks become months. No progress has been made on the search. It's as if Floyd's vanished, and that doesn't sit right with you. It's getting harder to go outside, to meet people, to stay in touch, to write articles and set up interviews. You feel trapped in your house but, most of all, in your own skin. Floyd's still out there. You're reminded of that fact when you watch the news or are asked for details from colleagues or even the police, all of them wondering where you think he might be because, in their words, "You know him better than we do." And that's true to an extent. You do know Floyd; you've interviewed him, read the official criminal psychology report that dissected and diagnosed him, and have penned an entire journal's worth of notes about his personality, his likes and dislikes, his interests and hobbies, and so on. But you can never put yourself in the shoes of a killer, and so it's impossible to predict where he might be.

You think you might be going insane because you're certain you're misplacing things out of fear, rearranging them out of some anxious habit, and eating more from your fridge and pantry because you're trying to cope with the stress. When shadows take the shape of Floyd, you have to blink hard and remind yourself that, while he's childish and impulsive most of the time, he isn't a fool. He wouldn't break into your house so suddenly. He's smart, even if he pretends like he isn't. He must be if he's been able to evade capture for this long.

But as long as he remains free, you will never be able to rest peacefully. Which is so unfortunate because Floyd wants his Shrimpy to be comfortable! He'll come get you soon. And when he does you'll never have to be scared of anything ever again.

[orandoggo]

Screw it, Asra and Muriel HCs time

Note that I played their routes like forever ago so I'm kinda going off of vibes here /lh

That and just personal HCs for them sillies. Quick warning that Muriel's might be a little sad?

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Asra:

Probably ace/within the acespec, definitely nonbinary

Will literally not care whatever gender you identify as, they'll happily and quickly learn new pronouns for you, just know that they are extremely queer over you no matter what

Hits the zaza. Does apothecary so you can't convince me that they don't know which stuff goes best with flavored zaza. Happily shares with you

Has a tendency to runaway from things, but ever since you came back into their life, they started to not do that as much anymore because they wanna be there for you. For real this time

Super open to otherkin. If the Arcana exists, otherkin exists like seriously

Loves stargazing and astrology (haha Asralogy), can and will infodump about starts to you when given the chance

Spaces out when deep in thought, literally goes into another world but it's cute tbh. Kissing them on the cheek snaps them out of it

LOVES kisses, they also really like it when you hold their face in your hands and rub your thumbs on their cheeks

Sometimes gets anxious when you're not within sight, they tend to call out your name outside of the shop to make sure you're still nearby

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Muriel:

Likes going on hikes

CUDDLEBUG!! Can and will cuddle you whenever you lay down for a nap or to sleep through the night, or to simply just lay down and vibe. You can and will be in his arms almost constatly, or you'd be spooning him. He won't admit he likes being spooned tho

Fairly easy to make him flustered! You tease him enough and he'll stumble on his words and hide his face behind his hands

With the stuff he went through, mans has anxiety and PTSD, can and will have panic attacks when triggered bad enough. He's learning new coping mechanisms and he thanks the world for having you with him through all of this

Has adjusted well enough that going into town to buy stuff like food and such isn't as panic inducing as it used to be. But sometimes asks you to come with and he'd hold your hand discretely throughout the entire adventure for comfort

Has had to make sure you don't touch things you know nothing about, especially when it comes to wildlife and plants. You're versed enough when it comes to fauna and flora, but Muriel's part of the woods isn't your usual place where everything seems to be tame. He's scolded and educated you softly a few times now and you can't help but find his somewhat serious face cute

Inanna is like an interpreter when it comes to Muriel's untold feelings whenever she's around. You ask Muriel if he's upset and he says it's okay? Look at Inanna, she'll probably whine softly in response to confirm with you that he's not telling the truth. He's grown to be more open with you, but some habits are hard to let go of

[kit-williams]

Hopefully their interest is just because I stood up to them. Not that I have anything against astartes, it's just that my apartment is small and part of an older building, so probably not up to being lived in by an astartes.

... Being stalked by an Astartes sounds very anxiety inducing. Hopefully they'll lose interest.

... Is gaining their attention a good thing? Or just another complication in my life? You have been so very helpful, thank you.

Medical anon

Thats the hope... oh dont worry plenty of people will say that but just they'll still want to spend time with you they just know they can't be in the same location as you. Or if they do they'll be out of armor and stuffing themselves into your living room to feel like they are keeping you safe.

You should be fine. Dark Angels don't bond often and if they do bond its usually just them begrudgingly acknowledging your existence. But yes Astartes stalking is very nerve wracking but you should be okay. Only ones who want to hurt people are people killers which are usually ferals.

Its more like a complication but it can be a boon as they'll know you're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in. They do respect openness and straightforwardness. Picture Dark Angels as a bunch of medieval knights. So you being upfront and honest to them means they are more inclined to be honest to you.

Dark Angels are a very tricky bunch to deal with I've done my best to help!

[asksoldieron]

SO-20: "I just… um… Words. Sometimes. You know."

If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.

Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for A Little Loopy (249|20) an instalment! Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!

Okay! I may get myself in trouble here because I have to talk about this instalment when I'm still a little messed up about someone (with the BEST intentions) correcting the language I use to talk about, uh, loosing my language. They increased my anxiety about a word I need to use sometimes to get appropriate care, to the point where I won't be able to use it to get appropriate care right now, if I have to. I'm slightly less safe going out in public alone, with one less way to catch myself if I fall, and that makes everything worse because I know it. No matter how noble the intent, that's not okay. But Tumblr is the sort of place I could get in trouble for saying it's not. Because some folks here want to file me according to their perception of just how disabled I am, and then tell me how I should be acting. I'm really not sure how that's supposed to help everyone, but some folks are convinced it will.

But, Erik's meltdown here is mine, at least as far as the words go. I went back and changed it out of spite after I wrote it, because someone induced that kinda meltdown in me, and sometimes I wanna punch people until they develop empathy. I know it won't work, but I really, really wanna. I opened the doc and said to the spouse, "Fuck it, no words at all. If they love him, they'll figure it out." But, of course, I didn't say that. I said "totally nonverbal." And there is discourse about that. My God, is there discourse!

I don't like performing my pain in an attempt to get others to treat me how I want to be treated. And how I want to be treated is please, please don't make it harder for me to find a word I can use to get people to back off and let me put myself together when I can't find hardly any words. Erik has a hard time finding words he doesn't use a lot, so that word's not likely to come out of him. I have a hard time finding words that aren't specific, so it might come out of me. But I do need to be able to use it when I'm not struggling, sometimes, or it gets harder to find. Like now.

I did go write down some of what my deal is, and how I feel, after that person politely nudged me into my place. But I didn't post it anywhere because I don't wanna tell it to the world. At least not right now. That's inviting more well-meaning people to categorize me and I have enough on my plate. Please just remember, not everyone who fails to play by the rules is dog-whistling to cause harm, or just being entitled. And you're not entitled to demand, "Prove it."

I know if Erik could say "nonverbal" someone would pop up to tell me, "no, bad writer." But I do wonder, if ya had to sit him down in the hotel room and say it to his face as he breaks down crying with no words to explain how to help him, would anyone say, "You can talk most of the time. That word is wrong for you. Pick another"? I really hope not. But, if someone said that when he was having a good day, he'd remember it. He'd still remember (at some point, heh, poor kid) when he's having a meltdown. Being scared and upset doesn't erase someone trying to take that word away from him so he can't use it ever, because he's not having a hard enough time in comparison to someone else.

It's hard for me to stick up for myself, but - oh, man - I will come for you if you hurt my boy. Please try not to. We all hurt each other without meaning sometimes, so all I can ask is that you try.

There is so much that would make this world better and more accessible for all of us. Just for example: safe, affordable housing for all, and not having to drive everywhere to get healthcare and/or food. It can't just be for the least of us, because then we hafta fight each other for the title of "least." I don't wanna. I'm real tired of it. Why isn't everyone?

[Back to Site?]

*Art Edit: My reference image is from Voodoo Child by Rogue Traders, and I think I pulled it off. I mean, if you've seen the video, I think you'll recognize it.

And if you haven't, it still makes sense. Poor Erik!

I can point out exactly where I screwed up, too, and the Glaze artifacts stick out like crazy (to my eyes, anyway). Nevertheless, Erik look like Erik, and I'm happy with his design in this style. Happier than I have been with how he looks in my art-deco-ish style! I'll have to put the HQ version in the Ko-Fi store.

[free--therapy]

hii, thank you for the answers 💗

and yes, by not wanting to rationalise, what I mean is reaching a point where I don't have to remind myself again and again of all the reasons or facts for why I know "I'm okay"

like when xyz worry pops up, instead of reminding myself "you have this proof" "you know this xyz fact" "you know that xyz fact" and telling those to myself repeatedly, I want to reach a point where no matter what the worry, i can simply remind myself "girl you've already rationalised this and know exactly that this is just a thought and not true" and just move on.

as in, learn to be completely mindful and be in the present moment without even having to take time apart to remind myself repeatedly every now and then. my therapist from two years ago also told me back then that mindfulness is something that could definitely help me the most with the way in which i worry. i know it takes time and effort but i think with many of my worries, I've at least reached a bit closer to that. But the thoughts still trigger anxiety in me sometimes when I spend too much time at home, like more than a month.

since when I've been home for weeks or months with not much outside contact, it's easy to get into my head or get stuck and overthink about random everyday stuff which isn't a problem but with so much free time, that overthinking quickly changes to me remembering my old anxiety inducing thoughts or worries.

this could include my what ifs about what disorders I had in the past, my guilt about mistakes, me watching that nsfw content, why I did certain things if they weren't morally good, do I like this or that (something which i shouldn't like), OCD and related disorders (something about pure-O OCD or obsessive disorder though i don't know what they are but they still trigger me), if I'll be okay in the future, if I'm okay now and just experiencing some old thought patterns which are returning, etc.

phew so many worries lol but what I try to remind myself is all of these worries are just really thoughts and like you said, they are "perceived dangers" and not real. I'm fine and so i try to simply rationalise by telling myself that, without getting into details everytime because I know sometimes that can lead to new worries.

sometimes that works but sometimes some worries do seem triggering enough that just rationalising by telling myself "this is a thought and I'm okay" doesn't work. So when that happens, I have to rationalise by reminding myself of all the reasons why I'm fine. When that happens, i tend to kind of beat myself up over it.

It's like "if i know all the reasons why I'm okay, then why do i have to remind myself again and again of all of those reasons?" "Why can't I just be mindful and believe that I'm okay and return to the present moment" "why do i need to spend time again and again rationalising" "when will I reach a point where I won't have to remind myself of all the whys" "and if I was over this problem, why is it affecting me again?" "If i know why this isn't a problem and had gotten over this long ago, why am I still having to rationalise thisvin detail when I can remind myself that I know why and move on" etc.

the funny thing is, I'm a middle child in my family with both older and younger sisters. And I'm the peacemaker of the family. So when fights or disagreements come up, I'm the one to calm both sides- my siblings and parents down. I try to reason with my parents and my siblings each in a way that they'll understand. I mainly do it because i like to maintain harmony in the family but it's also true that i absolutely dislike conflict and maybe I'm even scared of it.

they always tell me that I'm the one who presents logical solutions to them or helps them calm down and my siblings tell me that I make them feel understood and loved.

and this is weird to me because then, why can't I do that for myself? i can't stand up for myself in front of other people, go to lengths to make them feel satisfied with me, sometimes even do things that aren't normal for me just to make them love me and they think I'm naturally like that but I'm not, i can't even open up or share my problems because i think that either they won't understand or it'll bother them or they won't take it seriously or maybe even make fun of me for being bothered by something that's not even a small problem for them. so i have just a few close people and the idea of losing any of them or getting left behind just makes me so so anxious. especially because one of my sibling is leaving the house soon due to certain reasons and maybe won't ever come back. parents are worried too and anxious and mom isn't good with stressful situations at all so it's affecting her health too. it's so stressful at home and on top of that, there's the stress of finding a job and adjusting to a new life. it all feels very stressful right now.

it feels like I'm walking on eggshells especially with the thing of my sibling leaving. i don't blame her since she's doing this for her to have a better life and i know she loves me but it feels like I'm getting left behind for good since she most probably won't be returning anytime soon due to personal family issues. and with my parents taking it the wrong way and it affecting their health. it's so hard. everyday, it's like she'll tell me she's leaving anytime now and i know for a fact that she won't be here even five or six months later. I've been with her for the whole 22 years of my life and it's so hard. I'll be left behind which is hard enough and it feels like I'll have to manage my parents especially my mom emotionally when it does happen.

on top of that, there's these intrusive worries of mine that came up out of nowhere after so so long of me doing great. it feels hard to put it simply, like having problems on all sides.

but also, I'm managing and trying to find positives in the situation. Also, like you said, I'm trying to be kind to myself, be forgiving to myself and not take everything so seriously (especially my worry thoughts) and learn to not be so emotionally dependent on the few people that i consider close to me and be able to be in the present moment.

learning mindfulness and being able to practice it everyday is a goal I'm striving for recently because it's something i know will help me.

(also, sorry for dumping worries like that and all the heavy personal stuff too. i just know you didn't sign up for this 😔)

thank you so much for being here and being so kind, i know i say this always but i genuinely can't say it enough 💗

You will eventually reach that point that you want to get to, but you also have to keep reminding yourself that it's going to take some time. I can't tell you how much time, but it doesn't happen over night. You also can't get upset with yourself when certain thoughts come back. They're coming back up because either your mind isn't satisfied/reassured enough or your mind is just testing you. You just have to be prepared to face them when they come back.

Even when it seems like your rationalizing isn't helping, perhaps try taking some deep breaths and repeat to yourself that everything is okay and you're alright. Refuse to let those thoughts control you and bring yourself to the present. Something as simple as just being mindful of your current surroundings can help. Notice the smells, the sights, the sounds, etc. Bring yourself to the present, like you want to.

It's always easier to give other people advice you know you need, but then you don't take any of it yourself. It's weird how that works because you obviously know what to do, but you just have to execute! I was so good at doing that for such a long time until one day I realized that I never took my own advice and had to figure out how. It's hard for us to do these things we want because we may not be secure in who we are, or we still worry about how other people will react and how they'll think about us. The goal is to become secure in who you are that you no longer care how other people react or what they think. We have been made to believe that other people's needs come before ourselves and that's it's "selfish" to do certain things for ourselves, but believe me, if you don't help yourself first, you can't help others.

I'm sorry that your sibling is leaving though. That's so tough, but you have to let them do what they wish and hope for the best. I wouldn't automatically assume that they'll never come back though. Maybe they need to be at a distance because it's easier for them to handle your family in that way. It's not your responsibility to take care of your mom's emotions, but I have a feeling she's made you feel that way your whole life. This is what's known as a co-dependent relationship. Your mom's emotions are her responsibility to take care of, not yours. You already have your own stuff going on and she needs to figure out how to handle it on her own too.

[honeymouthedtales]

i was just reading a story inspired by hm and even tho the author credits their inspiration and directs readers to your story it still reads like honeymouthed. only maybe less scenes, i keep hoping they'll do events differently but im reading honeymouthed with different characters and a different setting. i don't know why it's frustrating me. what do you think?

I'm not sure exactly which fic you're talking about, and I could probably be kinda annoyed if the writer hasn't contacted me beforehand to ask if it was okay (they might have, but I can't confirm since I don't know which fic it is). But in the end, if the author gave credits there is little I wish to do about it. Not because I like it, but because I have to draw a line between what I can fight for without ruining my mood and what I should let go. Since sometimes I have talked to people who took inspiration without crediting and it was very tiring and anxiety-inducing for me, I won't bother with people who are at least giving credits.

I understand why it might be frustrating for you as a reader, since in the end if the plot is so similar to a fic you've already read what's even the point of rereading it? But that's something the writer has to deal with since they chose to take so much inspiration from another work. But I think you should maybe try contacting the writer or let them know in the comments (very gently) that you have faith in their ability to write something new and original without relying on another work.

[vanishingpod]

okay this is going to be a wild request but asking is free yknow.. so due to the setting i am not going to listen to season two it would make me too anxious. i loved season one and i had a blast with it. but heres the thing. i follow this blog and thus know about griffswallop happening and i wanted to ask if i can get the ep and time stamp when that reveal happens. i hear theres a kiss? hope this isnt rude thank you very much

This is not rude at all, and totally understandable! This is why we have content warnings, etc, we don't want anyone to have a bad time, and we are very aware this is a particularly loaded time/setting. To avoid giving out too much detail--Season 3, when it eventually comes out, will likely be quite different and we don't see ourselves returning to this particular historical moment in this same head-on way, as there will be a time jump. So even if you do fully sit this season out, Conrad and Rudyard will be returning for that one which may be better for you!

That being said, there are a few options for you to check out that plotline without having to deep dive into the heavier parts of the historical time/place.

If you'd like to go this particular avenue, we do have transcripts available for all the episodes on our website, so you can always cross-check those before listening to any parts that I'm about to timestamp.

TIMESTAMPS AND THEREFORE SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

Ok, so: Griffswallop! Most of this plot happens in episodes 3-5. Up to there they're pretty much still at their same dynamic as S1 but this time it's fully mutual that they hate each other.

There is an extended montage sequence very tonally/structurally similar to the sequence at the end of 1x03 with Conrad and Phoebe where, over the course of one night, Conrad and Rudyard do fall in love, and this happens in 2x03. They do not kiss here, but they intend to and come extremely close before being interrupted. The timestamps on that within the episode are 15:58-24:07. I do recommend stopping at that point, as the scene after that involves elements and moments that could be anxiety-inducing. If you'd like to just listen to the actual montage, by itself, we have it up on Soundcloud here. All you'd be missing with that is the slight lead-in scene setting up the fact that they have to write this play in a night, and that yes they don't like each other but they'll work together.

(Note that the play they are writing is related to the time and place, so if you're tentative about that, I'd definitely recommend checking out the transcript first to pre-screen most of these. In the montage it remains incredibly vague but still.)

They have another interaction in Episode 4 where there is conflict between them on their relationship status. Augie basically sabotages things by telling Conrad that Rudyard won't commit to him (7:24-14:50). Then Conrad immediately spirals and what you need to know is basically they end up on the outs, with Conrad unsure of Rudyard's commitment to pursuing what is happening between them--these scenes follow immediately but are interrupted midway by another scene that involves a character who is a Nazi, so you may want to skip those.

The actual kiss happens in Episode 5. The scene timestamps are 34:11-37:00. This takes place during the climax of the show they've been working on--because of their fight, Rudyard has forgotten his lines completely, and that's where we find him. He goes off book, gives a speech to Conrad on the fly about how he feels, and they kiss. There is one use of the name "Adolph Hitler" at 36:35 to vaguely keep the guise of the show up, but they kiss as themselves and are not in danger in this moment. It's a win for them both.

The ending scene is merely a scene of all the characters considering leaving and going their separate ways, but ultimately deciding to stay together. Rudyard decides to stay with Conrad. This is relatively free of the larger context of the setting, and is mostly focused on the Christmas of it all. Timestamp on that is 49:11-55:03, if you're interested.

I hope that helps--let me know if you need anything more specific than that. Again, please feel free to check the transcripts if you're feeling at all hesitant!

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.