#just us because every single other person I've asked is busy or working

[prncssberry]

.

[star-anise]

are we talking about broke therapists yet?

I've been out of things for a couple of years now, which is why I'm willing to talk about it, and maybe the pandemic has helped things a little, but holy shit the counselling and psychotherapy field is not equipped to help its practitioners in the gig economy.

Of all my interests and talents, I pursued a degree in psychology because being a therapist is supposed to be a safe, stable, well-paid job. Every therapist I met who was registered before 2008 worked and lived under that assumption. And oh boy are all the fee structures--registration, supervision, continuing education, conferences--set up for that scenario.

After getting my Master's, I struggled like hell to get a job. It was especially bad because to get my license, I needed a supervisor to take me on. To take me on, most supervisors wanted me to already have a caseload and client base. To get a caseload and client base, I needed a job.

Friends: Every single job I heard back on wanted me to have my license before I could even land an interview.

Professors and career advisors and professional development specialists all advised me very earnestly to just keep cold-calling people on the supervision list, and it began to feel a lot like my parents' friends telling me to hit the bricks and hand out resumes. That's what worked for them, right?

I finally got a supervisor who agreed to take me on, and I'd be able to use her clinic for advertising and workspace, and we were doing the paperwork to send in with my registration, when she called me up and said, "Is this job going to be your only source of income? If you're trying to depend on getting clients and building your practice for your basic needs, this is not going to work out. This has to be something you're doing on top of a basic salary. Okay, so you're not working anywhere else right now? I'm sorry, I can't move forward with this."

Even once I landed a supervisor and a job building my own private practice, I struggled. I have ADHD and am not great at self-promotion, so trying to do all my own advertising, scheduling, bookkeeping, billing, and records management (on top of counselling) was an enormous strain. One my bosses, supervisors, and other senior professionals watched with a slightly critical eye, but consoled me about because in their early days, their clinics had had business managers, receptionists, filing clerks, and accountants, and getting used to doing everything online yourself was a bit of a learning curve, wasn't it?

I counted my pennies very carefully, because I had to pay my supervisor roughly $180 for their services every 6 hours of in-person counselling I did. This meant that to break even I had to charge my clients an average of about $30 (plus room rental and service fees) an hour--and my clients, being people with complex trauma, were frequently poor, disabled, unemployed, and had no health benefits, so even $10 or $20 a session was a lot for them.

Maybe it would have been easier if I could have taken some of those nice comfortable organization positions where they find clients and funding for you and you work 40 hours a week and get benefits and a pension, but I had to be disabled into the bargain, so working 40 hours a week just isn't possible for me. I start passing out from stress and exhaustion. Older colleagues gave me serious-faced advice about approaching my employer and asking them for some flexibility and accommodation in my schedule, and I tried to explain across the gap between us that employers simply did not hire me if I made the slightest noise about the workload. They weren't going to invest in me as a person; they were hiring 40 units of work a week, and if I wouldn't do it there were a dozen applicants after me who would.

At one point I broke down enough to email my licensing body because the Annual General Meeting/Professional Development Conference was coming up, and I wanted to attend, but I could not produce $500 to do it with. Was there some kind of way I could attend anyway? I felt ashamed to have to ask, and then absolutely mortified when the response came from the organization president, who needed to personally sign off on me being too poor to attend the single most important event in my profession's calendar year.

I honestly felt so ashamed all the time at how I was apparently failing to be a successful therapist, failing to be rich and successful, and every time I mentioned it around mentors and bosses, I could feel myself shrinking from a person to a problem to be solved. My closest therapist-friends and I have reflected on how much more difficult, poorly-paid and underworked, our various career starts have been than we were ever warned about. About the classmates and coworkers who couldn't get disability exceptions when they fell behind in their registration requirements, or burned out and left the field, or dropped their registrations and took up as life coaches, or moved their whole family somewhere exceptionally remote or rural because it was the only good job available, or worked for some godforsaken app skirting the bounds of malpractice like BetterHelp.

I like those conversations, because I feel less like an absolute fuck-up in them. There's less "Hey Lis, you were so talented in grad school, I really admired you, what are you doing now?" "Oh, I, uh... am professionally disabled, so I get government benefits, and I... sell embroidery patterns on Etsy now."

My own therapist kept asking if and when I felt like going back to being a counsellor, and I finally told him: I don't, actually. I don't want to go back and do it like I was doing it before. It was a profession I loved to the depths of my soul, and it profoundly did not love me back. I can't even imagine what would have to change, in me or it, to make it have a space in it that could fit me.

All of which I was way too scared to admit to at the time, because the more I let people know I was struggling, the more they hinted that maybe I just wasn't in a place in my life where this was a job I could do, and I needed to take a little break and wait to come back until money and disability just weren't issues for me anymore.

Eventually my cups of doubt and exhaustion did overflow, and I quit. I'm here now, living a much different life. And at the very least, all my years of helping people in bad life situations set me up perfectly for my own. I already knew what form to fill out for financial assistance, which student clinics to access for mental health support, and which government agency would, if pressed, cough out pharmacy coverage for the genuinely destitute. It gave me that much.

I hope this is just me being in extraordinary circumstances, sitting at the intersections of a few different shitty life situations that most people skip right past. Because it's on one level comforting, but another deeply infuriating, if I'm not, and I've just missed it or we've just all been too afraid to admit it to each other.

[hellodropbear]

like she used to (IV)

alexia putellas x sister

chapter I, II, III

sorry this took longer! have been very busy with work and uni for the past few days :)

~~~~~~

Aitana has been suspicious of something all week. I feel her eyes on me during training, when we're in the locker room, as she drives me home and as I walk up to my front door.

But she doesn't say anything and I am grateful. Because if she did say something, I don't think I would be able to answer without telling her every single thing on my mind.

Nobody wants that. Not me, not Aitana. Probably not Alexia either.

So instead, I sit in the midfielder's car quietly, only speaking when she prompts me to, although even that has slowed down over the past few days. She was confused the first time I told her I didn't want to stop for ice cream, and I was grateful that she didn't ask again.

"you're sure? You've never refused ice cream before, lena!"

All I could do was shake my head, keeping my eyes focused on the road ahead.

I get home and I go straight to my room which is easy enough, considering Mami comes home from work late. I am supposed to be going to school, but Aitana doesn't know that and Mami doesn't know any different. She thinks I am there, and as long as I pick up the phone to my personal tutor in the evening, the school won't bother contacting my mother.

I shouldn't be skipping school, but I can't face going there and being asked all those questions about how great it is to be training in the first team, to finally have broken through into a squad that I would hopefully play with for most of my career.

But it isn't great, not really. My life has become a game of hide and seek, escaping rooms that my sister enters, too afraid to even face her.

I am not scared of her, more of what she will say. I am barely coping as it is and anything she says will just make it worse. It is best to just leave her alone, keep my distance.

And I think she thinks the same. She said she was going to take a step back, after all.

Not that is has been any different from before she took that step back. Her back was already against the wall, on the other side of the room from me. Any further and she would leave my life completely which does not seem possible, considering we play for the same club.

But I wish she wasn't so far away, I wish that I could just reach out and grab her attention, for her to know that I needed help without even having to ask.

And it hurts me, more than I'd like to admit, that her friends know exactly how to make me feel better, to make me feel valued, worthy. But she is just there, like a fly on the wall, always watching but never doing anything.

Even the more clueless ones have started to realise that things are not perfect between me and Alexia. We are never in the same room together, I leave training with Aitana every day. It is obvious, we all know it.

So they don't push us together. They don't talk about Alexia to me and they don't ask why we don't drive home together, why she isn't the first person to give me a hug if I score in training.

They don't want me to be compared to her any more than I already have been.

Because on top of all the personal issues, there is a lot of pressure, being her sister.

'Will Elena Putellas follow in her sister's footsteps?'

'The younger Putellas - set to be better than Alexia Putellas, but still hasn't come off the Barcelona bench.'

I've seen the articles, of course I have. Nobody ever mentions it though, nobody mentions the pressure I am under, the pressure I feel to live up to the expectations.

Of course I will not score as many goals as her, of course I will not make a debut at the end of the match like a midfielder often does. It is a lot harder for a centre back to come on as a last minute sub. It is harder for a centre back to score so many goals.

There are feasible reasons why they are saying these things, but none of the news sites think to explore those reasons, exclusively focusing on the negatives.

I don't bring it up because I think that if I mention something even slightly about my emotions, every single thing I feel will all come rushing out, a tsunami wave that will destroy everything I have worked towards.

I have to be strong; I can't let a little bit of pressure overcome me. Alexia had pressure, and she was never swallowed by it.

Alexia was not weak. I can not be weak.

But it feels like the tide has been pulled back, brewing in the deep dark depths of the ocean, preparing to build and build and build until it all becomes too much, until it is here, a huge wave ready to swallow me. Too late to escape, too late to stop it.

But quelling the wave does not seem like something I can do.

The only thing I can do about it is play my piano.

It is thing I am most grateful for, my piano that brings me closer to my father, the one thing I have that nobody else does.

I may not have his memories, but I don't think any memories could match the connection I feel, just sitting on his stool, my fingers dancing on the keys that his hands once graced, the keys that we used to play together.

It was the one thing that we shared, just the two of us. Something that neither of my sisters or my Mami could understand. All they know is to leave me be when I am playing the piano. I don't want to be interrupted and they don't want to face the wrath of my anger if I am stopped before I am finished.

Because it is the only way I can express my emotions and the emotions do not stop coming until the song is finished, until there is a puddle of tears in my lap, fed by the streams that track down my cheeks.

So they leave me be. I want them to leave me with my emotions when I play the piano. But they also leave me with my emotions when I sit in the lounge room, staring at a blank tv screen, staring out the window at just about nothing in particular. I wish they would realise that I don't always want to be left with my emotions.

I wish they could notice that something may be wrong, something more than just the loss of my sister.

Because it feels like more than that. I have never felt so lost in my life.

There is just so much going through my mind at any one time and I can't let it out because once I start I will not be able to stop until my walls have burst and I am nothing but an empty shell of who I was before.

Everything I once was is gone.

Replaced by confusion, hurt, sadness.

And I don't know why, because Alexia isn't all of me, football isn't all of me.

I know it shouldn't be but it feels like it is and even though Alba is right there as well, and Mami and my friends from La Masia, all I can think of is the fact that my older sister doesn't want to be my older sister any more.

And I can't stop thinking about what it could be like, if it was still what it used to be.

~~~~~~

I spend another two weeks wallowing in my confusingly overwhelming emotions before Mapi decides to intervene, intercepting me as I walk towards Aitana after training once again.

"No, you are coming with me today, pequena!"

I didn't even realise Mapi was here, her rehab finishes at the same time as Alexia, an hour before training ends.

She beams and throws her arm over my shoulder, ignoring my disgruntled expression.

"I will see you tomorrow, ABC." I murmer softly, but both Spaniards can hear it.

They both think I am too short to see the concerned look they throw at each other, but I notice it. I notice everything.

Mapi guides me out of the facilities and into her car and I can feel her concern grow as she inspects me from the drivers seat.

"You are not ok, Elena."

Her words are soft but understanding. It surprises me how she could just pick it up like that, I thought it was less obvious.

I thought it was less obvious because nobody has brought it up to me before.

I shake my head, not trusting myself to say anything without crying, although at this point it feels inevitable.

"That's ok. It's ok to not be ok, you know?"

I nod and she continues.

"When you came over the other week, I told you to talk to someone, but I don't think you have, have you?"

I continue my vow of silence by shaking my head, my eyes concentrated on how my hands shake and fidget in my lap.

I am too concentrated on my hands to realise that my eyes have filled with tears, to realise that the first one has slipped out. I only notice when the fat tear lands with a splat on my thumb and I stare at it, my mind full of confusion and unfamiliarity.

I don't understand how I feel, because I feel sad, and angry. They are normal emotions, ones that I have always felt, just usually in a less aggressive and persistent way.

But I feel so... lost, isolated. I feel alone and that is something I am not familiar with, not at all. Usually, I would talk to Alexia about my anger and sadness, but this has been going on for so long, slowly chipping away at my self-confidence, at my happiness. Now all I can feel is the loss of someone. Someone so important.

I may be dramatic, but how else would I describe it? She decided she was too busy and threw me away, a piece of rubbish. How am I supposed to cope with the fact that it's all I am to Alexia?

We used to be so strong as a family, we were always there for each other, nobody left behind. But I can't help but feel like I have been, just a bit.

Mami and Alba love me, Mami and Alba are proud of me. But Mami gets home after I go to bed and Alba has her own life, her own friends. She doesn't need to be pulled back by her little sister who has lost the ability to deal with her own emotions.

It would not be fair for me to pile my problems with Alexia onto Alba. It would not be fair to make her pick a side.

Alexia could be the person that helps me. We have similar schedules, interests, personalities. She knew me like the back of her hand and I knew her equally as well. But I don't think I have ever felt so disconnected from her.

Mapi snaps me out of my daydreaming when she speaks again.

"It is not healthy to keep everything inside of you, pequena, so we are going to the beach and we are talking. I am going to force it out of you because I miss my bright little best friend."

She reaches over and wipes the tears from my eyes, awkwardly pulling me into a hug.

"Everything is going to be ok. You are going to be ok, Elena Putellas, because you have me."

I nod, leaning back into my chair and using my palms to wipe my eyes as Mapi turns the car on and begins to drive out of the carpark.

"Thank you, Mapi." It is a whisper, but she hears me loud and clear, offering me a watery smile before focusing her attention right back onto the road ahead.

The car is quiet as we drive to the beach, Mapi just humming along to her song.

Mapi has always been a big talker. She always says she finds silences uncomfortable and sometimes even slightly overwhelming, so she talks. She talks and talks at a speed that makes it practically impossible to register what she is saying, and the inability to comprehend her spoken thoughts is only heightened by the way she jumps from topic to topic, her voice only increasing in speed and excitement as she gets more and more carried away.

But she is Mapi, and Mapi always talks, so I got used to it, finding her chattiness endearing, she was fun, always happy.

Which is why it is so meaningful when she isn't speaking, like she knows that her words are fruitless and likely not particularly tasteful - they won't be received well.

She is silent as we walk down to the beach and as she lays her rug and pillows out, sitting down and motioning for me to sit down next to her.

She is quiet for a few moments, like she is debating within herself on what she should say and when she should say it, captivated by the way he waves crash onto the sand cyclically, the beaming rays of sun showering the crystal water, the first indicators of the imminent sunset.

When she speaks, it is slow and it is quiet. Her words hug me in a way that has been missed for so long, and I immediately soften; she would have noticed my shoulders relaxing underneath her arm.

"I remember when I first met you." Her eyes are closed and a soft smile rests on her face. "It was before I even joined Barcelona, at my third camp with Spain. I had heard about you before, from Alexia, I knew so much about you from how much she would gush about everything you did every time I spoke to her. In person, over text, she was obsessed with you and sometimes I didn't understand why it seemed like all she spoke about was her little 5 year old sister."

She chuckles, but I stay silent, still staring out at the ocean.

"But then I met you and I immediately understood why she wouldn't stop talking about you. You radiated this happiness, like a little sunbeam. Alexia got you from the barricade after a match, it was only my second ever appearance, but Alexia brought you right over to me and introduced us. You grabbed onto my leg and held it, almost yelling about how cool it was that there was another player to meet."

I smile. I have never heard this story before.

"And then the next time, you recognised me and I was so surprised, so happy. But you were also happy, Elena, you always were smiling, laughing. You would hang from your sisters shoulders and whack her on the back, swinging around in her arms and laughing so loudly that we could hear you from the other side of the pitch. You were always like that, every time I saw you. I found myself looking forward to spain camps even more, because I got to see little Elena Putellas with her big smile and cheeky personality. But recently, I think you have lost a bit of your spark because you do not seem as happy. You seem miserable, lena, and I want to help you find that spark again because I promise, it is not gone forever. It has just been buried so deep by all these emotions that are so big and overwhelming and you can't even find who you are anymore."

Her words strike a cord, and I find that my eyes fill with tears once more, but I do everything I do to hold them back as I speak. There is a long moment of silence as we both look out at the waves before I break it with a quiet inhalation.

"I am so scared, Mapi." My voice breaks but I continue anyway. "I don't know who I am anymore and it is so scary. I don't know what happened or where I went but one day I woke up and I was just a miserable shell of the person I was and I don't know what to do."

She is quick to pull me into a hug as the tears start falling because we both know that once I let out the first cry, I will not be able to stop. Her soft hands through my hair and calm words that flow through the small space we occupy will do nothing to calm the turmoil I am feeling on the inside.

Thinking about it only makes it worse, like I am shaking everything up so it rises to the surface instead of letting it lay undisturbed deep inside of me.

But Mapi's words were like stepping into a turbulent plane, shaking uncontrollably, fear falling over me and triggering emotions that I didn't even realise I had inside of me. The dirt hazes up the water until everything is a big whirlwind of confusion. Emotions moving around to quickly to capture them and try to understand them.

The things I want caught up in the whirlwind of unwelcome mess, the whirlwind that I can't seem to get myself out of.

The injured centre back whispers calm words of affirmation into my ear for a while, her hand stroking up and down my back. It keeps me down to earth, does not let me fall into the trap of a million emotions.

"We will find who you are again, Elena. I will always be here to help you. I am right here."

I want to tell her that I want my sisters to be there to help me. I want Alexia to come back and I want Alba to realise that there is something wrong. But neither of them were there like Mapi is. Alba has tried to be there for me, but she doesn't get it because I don't know what to say.

But all I do is cry in her arms. The sobs soften into quiet whimpers as the sun sets, casting a yellow glow over the beach, but we stay there even as the air becomes cooler and the sky becomes darker.

Mapi decides that I will not be going home that night, not trusting me to take proper care of herself and instead taking me back to her apartment again.

Ingrid is there this time, and she looks at her girlfriend with concern when we walk in, immediately noticing my red face and puffy eyes.

"Hey, Elena." She smiled at me, but I was preoccupied by the little black cat that had begun to circle my legs.

"We had a chat on the beach and decided that because her Mami isn't home, she would stay here the night again."

I picked up Bagheera, tickling under her chin as I sat down on the sofa, trying to ignore the wary glances that were being sent in my direction by the Spaniard and Norwegian.

"I don't know what to do."

Mapi's words were hushed, and by the way she immediately spoke more quietly when she saw my head whip towards them, it is clear that they were not for my ears.

But as I fiddle with Bagheera's fur, I dissect her words. More than I should and definitely more than she wants me to.

She doesn't know what to do with me. She doesn't know how to help, how to fix what has been broken.

She doesn't know whether she should talk to Alexia because it would break my trust. Because telling Alexia could just make it all so much worse.

I think I have been holding onto hope that she really is that clueless and is trying to do what she thinks is best for me. I try to hope that is the reason this has all happened, and not because she simply has forgotten about me, or because she doesn't want to be responsible for me any more.

But honestly, I think it is a mix of all of that. And I think it has evolved from guilt, not watching my games, wanting to avoid the awkward conversations that could have arisen if she had apologised to me.

I wish she knew that an apology would make all the difference. A sincere one, from her heart.

Unprovoked. Just her, being truly apologetic.

Because as humiliating as it is, I would do anything to be back in her arms. I would do anything to have my older sister back, I wish that she would just do something that would make this all go away, to pick up the pieces of my shattered insides and stitch them back together. Eventually, the stitches would dissolve, I would forget all about them and I would be able to function normally again.

But Alexia is not a surgeon, and she would not be able to do that stitching seamlessly. She would use glue, but even that won't put it all back together so perfectly.

There is no way for her to just put it back together and pretend it never happened, to move on like this was just a blip. Because I am different now, I have grown. She has missed so much of my early teenage years - the years that I have most needed her help.

But I am not even sure that Alexia wants that any more; I don't know if she wants to fix this all up and move on.

The dinner table is quiet as I pick at my meal, Mapi encouraging me to eat more than a few bites, claiming she won't leave until my plate has been cleaned up.

Ingrid doesn't utter a single word, instead her green eyes piercing through my skin. I feel exposed to Ingrid, as if she can read everything, understand everything, just from one simple glance.

It is ridiculous, but she is deep in thought so I don't say anything to her either.

It is only when Mapi opens her mouth again that Ingrid's eyes flick over to her girlfriend.

"Does Alba know you feel like this? Or your Mami?"

It is a simple question, but strikes a chord.

No, neither of them know. Neither of them have even noticed a change.

I shake my head roughly, and Ingrid releases a scoff.

I look up, offended.

"What?"

She turns her head to me, confused, so I continue.

"It is not my fault! It is not easy to talk about these things."

"No, no. Elena, that was not directed at you."

She seems apologetic so I have to believe her. I push my chair back, attempting to leave the room with a clutter, cursing my misty eyes for what feels like the millionth time that day.

But me exit is not as seamless as I would have liked, and Mapi is standing right in front of me when I get up, wrapping her arms around me.

It is supposed to be to trap me, but Mapi's arms will never not be a comfort.

I immediately relax into her grip, sighing softly.

"I am so confused."

~~~~~~

Mapi's hands were running through my hair, my lap on the sofa as the tv played that evening. It had been an hour since dinner and the three of us had moved into the lounge room, the silence being filled by the Spanish show on the screen.

But there was a knock on the door and Ingrid sighed, standing up to open it, knowing that neither Mapi or I would get up.

It was both surprising and unsurprising to see Aitana standing there, her hair messy and over of her face, as if she had just been in bed.

"Is Mapi still awake?"

She didn't bother to greet Ingrid, clearly here for a reason. Why else would she have arrived at almost 11 at night.

I couldn't hear Ingrid's response, but I could hear Mapi speaking to me.

"She's worried about you too, Elena. You-"

I love Aitana, I always have.

"I know she is, she is terrible at hiding it. But she has avoided bringing it up. If she wanted me to talk to her I would try my best to, but she hasn't."

Again, I love Aitana and I know she has my best interests at heart. She knows I need to talk about everything to someone, but she also knows that I don't want to. She doesn't want to push even though I can tell she is worried. She is stressed.

Ingrid and Aitana enter as soon as I finish speaking, the Spaniard almost running to where I am lying, placing her hand on my cheek.

"You have been crying."

It is blunt, a bit surprising. I don't really know what to expect from Aitana, she has always been the light hearted one who never would shy from telling me how great I was, but we have never really spoken about melancholy emotions like these.

I suppose there has never really been a need to in the past, that is what Alexia and Alba were for.

She sits down on the floor in front of my face, her knees up to her chest as she stares at me, intensity in her eyes. It is not unlike the intensity she often displays on the pitch, motivated and passionate.

"I will help you." She is decisive. "We will fix this."

I nod softly and she runs her hand down my cheek.

"You are too young to be feeling like this, little Lena. I am sorry I let it get this far."

I look at her in confusion and she pauses before continuing.

"I knew something was wrong. I went to your games at La Masia."

I can tell Mapi is listening closer now.

"I know she didn't go to any."

Mapi gasps, quite loudly, and Aitana gives her a frustrated look, rolling her eyes softly.

"I should have said something to her. She doesn't realise how important you are, how lucky she is to have you."

I frown at her words.

"Lucky?"

It hasn't something I'd ever considered my sisters to be, having to look after a small child for most of their adolescence. Having to please me for so long.

"I used to dream of having a baby sister like you, she is lucky."

Mapi decides it is her turn to add something to the conversation.

"She loves you, Elena, she always has. Of course she thought she was lucky. She needed someone to help her pick on Alba."

There is suddenly a lump in my throat. I think it is the mention of the before that triggered it. The memories are too hard to handle, I usually avoid them at all costs.

My eyes become wet again, apparently, but Aitana just laughs softly.

"You two were just so mean to her, the poor thing."

Mapi lets out a chuckle from above me as well, and I find my mouth turning upwards into a smile.

"I probably should apologise now, shouldn't I?"

Aitana shakes her head, not able to hold back her laughs and Mapi is the same from where I can not see her.

It is when I finally laughed that I feel Mapi soften beneath me and see Aitana exhale a soft sigh of relief. They thought I wouldn't notice, but I did. I notice everything.

"We will fix this, ok?" Aitana was somewhat serious again, her hand patting my face. "We have a day off tomorrow, I will be here and we can all talk. We can all decide what to do next."

"Why are you two doing all this for me?"

Aitana sighs and Mapi's hands pause in my hair.

The midfielder looks above me, as if encouraging her to reply, but I speak up again before she can.

"Alexia is your captain, your teammate. She is your best friend, Mapi. Why are you doing so much for me when we are not speaking?"

There is another pause. It looks like Aitana is about to hit Mapi on the head, but the Spaniard speaks up before she can.

"Alexia has so many people behind her. Alexia is strong, she is experienced and she is older than you. You are just young, pequena and you are so lonely and lost. We want to help the both of you, but we need to help you first."

She pauses and Aitana finds the time to interject. It is like they have been talking about me.

Come to think of it, they probably have.

"You looked like you were going to burst. We knew that you and Alexia weren't speaking, that both of you were having a hard time because of it. But Elena, you looked destroyed. We couldn't leave you to your own devices any more. And Elena, we are doing this because we love you. So, so much."

"Alexia loves you too. More than us. She just does not do a great job of showing it, that's all."

I sigh softly, falling backwards into Mapi's lap, wondering just what I have done to deserve this.

How luckyI am to have my older sisters friends there looking out for me.

Because my family was falling apart and it was my fault. I couldn't do everything alone.

I choose not to think about what would happen if Mapi and Aitana weren't here like they are.

A tear slips down my face again, but this time it is not so sad. It is full of emotion, a grateful tear. Not quite happy, but not sad either.

"Thank you."

~~~~~~

hope you enjoyed :)

this chapter was more to gauge where elena is at, sorry if it was boring!

part V

[jellinuy]

(saw your announcement so imma get this in real fast) post jjk! ( everyone lives bc gege is a menace) gojo, reader, and suguru living together :3

( roommates! )

౨ৎ incl. satoru and suguru.

౨ৎ a/n. first time i've actually written something that's NOT a drabble in like forever. can't decide on a format!! also i thought of reader being like their shoko, so this is completely platonic! urrghhh sorry this took me forever

living with the strongest duo would include...

Big house, first of all, because Satoru bought it. I’m talking, like, the three of you live in a penthouse, big.

Two VERY different sides of the house. Satoru's messy room consisting of strewn socks on the floor and food containers littered across his desk and an unmade bed and not a single cell in his brain to fix any of it until you or Suguru get on his ass: he says he has other things to worry about.

On the other hand, Suguru is something of a nagging mother when it comes to his sector of the house. Clean sheets every week, clothes in the hamper immediately after taking them off, shoes in his closet in a neat row, etc. You and Satoru like to joke about him having OCD.

Late night snack runs!! It usually starts with one of you complaining about being hungry at an ungodly hour, way too late for snacks but craving snacks anyway. It’s usually Satoru who gets you two up by video calling you from his room, making noise until you can’t take it anymore and decide to get up.

Suguru does most of the cooking. Satoru isn’t bad at it, per se, but he’s too lazy to try and so are you, let alone make big enough batches for three people.

Suguru is also lazy at times, but less than Satoru, so you two designated him as your personal chef.

Of course, there are always days when none of you feel like cooking — those are Satoru’s favorite days. You’ll order takeout (with his money), heaped in a tangle of legs and arms across the couch as you eat and binge watch whatever you three happen to find.

Suguru usually makes you guys lunch for work or school if you ask. Or even if you don’t.

Pillow fights! Or any kind of play-fight that involves throwing things at each other. They're usually initiated by Satoru when the mood strikes, and he'll literally beat you and Suguru over the head with pillows until the stuffing is everywhere or until you physically can't breathe.

A group chat! Satoru’s a frequent texter, Suguru not so much, whether it’s to show you two a picture of a stray cat he found, to ask what’s for dinner, or to beg for something.

Strangely though, when you or Suguru question him on why the trash isn’t taken out, he goes quiet.

Those two are the kind of boys who come into your room to knock something over and just leave without closing your door.

Movie nights are a must on weekends, unless one of you is extremely busy. That’s how the three of you unwind without really saying you need to unwind. You cuddle up on the couch in pajamas in one big messy heap and turn on a movie (based on who wins rock-paper-scissors) with a mountain of sugary and salty and spicy snacks at your disposal.

The three of you trust each other completely, so deep conversations are occasional, but comfortable. Neither of them would judge you for crying or being anxious or anything, and vice versa. When you need a hug, they’re there for that, too.

It’s not rare for the three of you to share a bed, or even cuddle. Granted, it took some getting used to at first, but now none of you find it weird, and it’s comforting to have a 6 foot heated body pillow, especially during the winter.

You three have an insane amount of inside jokes, and you bicker like siblings. Anyone who doesn’t get it would probably be concerned how much you insult each other.

“Shut the fuck up Suguru, didn’t you used to swallow balls?”

“Oh, shit.”

“Satoru, aren’t you still a virgin??”

“Fuck you! Y/N, what the hell are you laughing at, didn’t your date flake on you the other day??”

“Suck my dick!”

And then you’ll go back to whatever you were doing before like it didn’t even happen.

Whenever you or Suguru need to go shopping, you usually ask Satoru to Cashapp you before you go. He pretends to put up a fight, but to a guy who sees $2,000 as pocket change, he really doesn’t care. Hell, take one of his cards, go nuts.

[ros3ybabe]

🎀 Overcoming Gym Anxiety 🎀

I got asked about this through my inbox by @sxfiaaa so I figured I'd make a post about it and hopefully help a lot of people with something I too used to struggle with!

🩷 Wear Comfortable Clothing

We've all seen the beautifully dressed people on Tiktok, Pinterest, etc in their matching sets and cutr gym clothes. If that is what you're comfortable wearing to the gym, do it! Wear it, and be confident in it! If you're more of a loose clothes/sweatpants/baggy shirts or hoodie type of person, do that! Wear whatever you feel comfortable (and cute) in, because the better you feel going into a workout, the more you'll be able to focus on your workout!

🩷 Know What You're Doing When You're There

This just means go in with a plan! You don't need to know how to use every single machine or do every single exercise known to mankind. Scroll tiktok or pinterest for some workout videos for inspo (please make sure the video you get inspo from shows proper form!!! Proper form is so important for being safe!!)

If you know you can go certain days of the week, make a workout split to follow that! EX 3 day split: Monday - Leg Day, Wednesday - Upper Body, Friday - Full Body

OR, if you just want to go do cardio, then plan for that! I didn't know how to use a treadmill, but I went to the gym at my university and stood on the treadmill til I figured it out!

🩷 Remember This

No one is going to look at you and judge you or think mean things about you. Everyone is at the gym for the purpose of bettering themselves and their health. If you find people giving you occasional glances, maybe it's because they don't recognize you from the gym (or they do recognize you from somewhere else), maybe their admiring your outfit/physique, maybe their avid gym goers who are watching your form and technique, or maybe their just zoned out and you happen to be in the line of sight.

When I'm at the gym, I look around between sets and take note on other people's form to see if maybe I should tweak the way I do a certain exercise, or I'm admiring another girls outfit or physique because there are a lot of beautiful women at the gym. Sometimes, I'm thinking "dang, they're lifting so heavy, how cool!" or "wow, their form is amazing, they really know what they're doing." I've never thought bad abut someone at the gym because why would I?

🩷 Don't Be Scared To Ask For Help

if there an exercise you really want to do but don't know how and videos aren't helping, ask someone around you who isn't in the middle of an exercise and looks like they may know. The guy at the gym doing upper body who has good biceps may be the right guy to ask about upper body exercises. The girl doing impeccable Bulgarian Split Squats might be the right person to ask for help with those types of movements. Just make sure they aren't in the middle of an exercise, because that can cause some unwanted issues, especially if they're mid-rep, that can turn into a safety issue.

People love to help people, especially at the gym. If you politely ask for help from someone, they may take it as a compliment that you think they look like a person who is knowledgeable on working out. I'd definitely be so flattered if someone asked me for help or advice at the gym!

🩷 Random Advice:

remember your why! no matter how anxious you are, remember why you're going! what are your goals, what do you hope to achieve, how proud will you feel after?

start small if you have to! if it's really anxiety inducing to start working out, make it your first goal to at least step into the gym. then 2nd goal, walk around the gym to get a feel for it. 3rd goal, maybe 5-10 minutes on a treadmill, and then keep building momentum each day.

be careful with the hours you go! there is such a thing as peak gym hours. It varies by place, but a lot of gyms are busy between 2pm and 6pm I've seen. I personally love going to the gym super early morning, it's a little less busy and I'm a morning person so it works out for me! If you can only go during peak hours, bring a friend or keep your headphones on and do your thing!

Bring a friend! If you're really anxious about going alone, bring a friend with similar goals! Sometimes it can be a lot nicer to learn something new with a friend then try and learn it on your own! Plus, it's like extra motivation and accountability!

Have a motivating pre workout routine. Play some music while getting ready, prep your bags, prep your playlist, get your workout itself figured out, and just keep yourself excited to go! I love blasting high-energy music that makes me feel like a baddie on my way to the gym.

I hope this was helpful!! My thoughts were everywhere but I tried to convey them as best as possible! I'm happy to answer any questions or offer more tips and advice, don't feel scared to ask! <3

til next time lovelies 🩷

[pep-rambles]

Lucifer is a Swiftie headcanons because I kin this man so much I am projecting my other hyperfixations on him

But also I mean c'mon,

Look at him

yes there is RadioApple in this

-It probably started from Charlie. When she was in high school (post emo phase obviously) she may have enjoyed Taylor Swift (maybe Fearless got her through her senior year because I can't stop projecting) Lucifer started listening to try and have something to bond with his daughter about. But about the time Charlie kind of lost interest is about the time Lucifer doubled down on his obsession.

-He has been to basically almost every Eras concert, usually in really good seats because many a swiftie has offered to sell their soul for tickets. He said keep your soul just let him tag along.

-He is definitely an Evermore stan mostly because of relating too hard to the divorce narrative of it.

-Speaking of, Charlie has threatened to lock him out of his Spotify after catching him on the floor crying to “Champaign Problems” on repeat too many times. She never would but most definitely tried to ban him from listening to it for a month.

-She then caught him crying to “You’re Loosing Me”

-Angel Dust is most definitely  Beyhive (killer bee probably) and though initially joking that they are rivals the two men bond over their love for the two queens of pop, recommending songs and videos to each other.

-Angel is a Reputation Stan though 

-After one of Lucifer’s many tiffs with Alastor,  Charlie is expressing her frustration asking her dad why can’t they just get along and Lucifer explains that he doesn’t trust Alastor because “I think his ever-present grin is a little troubling” and is a little upset when she doesn’t get it 

-One day, Luci is sitting in the Lobby doing his work while listening to Taylor on shuffle. He’s casually minding his own business jamming out to one of her poppier love songs and Alastor wanders in commenting on the “Obnoxious trite little diddy” Lucifer doesn't even hesitate to take the bait

L: HOW DARE YOU! SHE IS A TALENTED GODDESS!! A DOWNRIGHT MUSICAL CHAMELEON! You are such a snob Alastor! Good music didn't stop getting made after your tiny little lifetime.

A: I never said it did but it's certainly not this frivolous noise!

L: Oh, you uninformed uncultured cur! She is a fucking poet!

He then proceeds to play examples for Alastor of her most creative and heart wrenching lyrics (he absolutely makes Al sit through all 10 minutes and 13 seconds of ATW) 

After all that though Lucifer will never get Alastor to admit that he finds T.S. musically talented (or that Lucifer did in fact catch Al tapping his foot a couple times)

        -Alastor does come to Lucifer, after a bit of research, admitting that though he does not find her music enjoyable, he respects her business cunning. Luci figures that's good enough. For now. 

-because I bet my non-existent Eras tour tickets that Lilith was a hater. I’ll leave it at that.

-OP works at Barnes & Noble and let me tell you there are about 80 different Taylor Swift magazines that even my swiftie ass thinks is excessive but Lucifer has every single one

-including the Taylor Swift paper dolls magazine (yes this is a real thing). He probably gets a few because he convinces Charlie to use them as a team building activity.

-He has at least 3 copies of each of the covers for the 2023 TIME Person of the Year magazine. 

-Also all cardigans. On a casual day he definitely lounges in them and has a set rotation of when to wear each one (and I am totally not gonna draw that nope)

-Well, it seems Lucifer is no longer crying to the depressing break-up songs on repeat but now he seems to be angrily listening to “Gorgeous” on repeat. Charlie asks him about it and he goes full denial mode “No no Charlie I'm not thinking of anyone specific, I've just been really into this song lately.” Everyone else in the hotel, besides Alastor, has already figured out what's going on

Alastor: If I have to hear that obnoxious noise one more time I will reduce that tiny maniac’s room to rubble as well as the abode of whatever sad sack is making him play it.

Angel: *knowing smirk* I'm gonna hold ya to that one, Antlers. 

-Al may very well hear it one more time if Lucifer uses it as his confession song (I don't fully commit to this headcanon, I just think it's funny) 

-Anyway boy’s probably in his Reputation stan Era b/c LWYMMD is like his long overdue big F-YOU to Heaven song 

btw this is NOT gonna end at these headcanons I am running with this idea like scissors.

@nunalastor

@julsiemagne

@nose-nippin-fun (I know you're not a swiftie but we talked about this so idk if you care I can un-tag you if you want)

[hurpdurpburps]

Astoria: Fate's Kiss Is Getting Re-released On 25 July, Here Are Some Things You Should Keep In Mind

Most people don't know it (until now I guess), but I'm the founder of, and have been running the @ls-salvation-squad project since Christmas 2021. I hardly interact with the LS community outside of the project server in a personal capacity as I've largely left the fandom around 6 months before the announcement of the app's closure.

I was pretty late to the game (pun intended), having only learnt about the app in 2020, but managed to be around for 'milestone events' such as the writers' strike and the DMCA rampage on YouTube/tumblr. Thanks to certain friends and technology, I've also had privileged access to a quasi-'insider look' into Voltage's workings (and failings) as a studio, both in real time and through secondhand horror stories of the past.

This culmination of experiences has spurred me to make my first, and last, personal opinion piece regarding LS on tumblr, a corner of the community that I haven't really interacted much with.

While I understand the sheer joy, relief and excitement that comes with revived, legal access to some of the most impressive, unapologetically queer stories to have ever graced the internet, I want to point out the ugly truths that are intertwined with the revival of this troubled app:

Buying the game =/= supporting the creators. Not a cent of your money goes towards them. Even when Voltage USA used to be a thing, barely any of it went towards the employees in general either. The writers were paid 3 cents/word, and producers were working twice as hard but only paid around half of their counterparts in other companies. AFAIK the artists have kept quiet but it would be more of a surprise if they were treated any better than their peers.

Buying the game =/= supporting queer content/community. This might come as a shocker, but homophobia ran rampant within Voltage's management. The best evidence of this can be found in their history of 'peculiar' business or creative decisions - and they've made a fuckton of bad choices. Fun fact; the first queer routes were only made possible via sheer force of will of a particular producer. I'm not at liberty to share the nitty gritty on this public platform as the stories aren't mine, but maybe if you asked some of the former staff nicely, they might give you cryptic hints.

You're gonna be paying them a THIRD time. Many of us have already shelled out hundreds of dollars on heart choices - not once, but twice. Putting the whole version on Steam/Switch had always been a valid option from the beginning of the end, but they chose not to do it. Why? Because users scrambling to make bulk purchases of tickets and hearts to record routes as a last hurrah meant a last, fat cash-in. Not to mention the fact that they're selling the game at US$30 per series, for almost decade-old content, presumably without any new additions. At this point, throwing your hard earned money at them AGAIN is just rewarding scummy management and unscrupulous business models.

Do you really need to? Our team of around 100 archivists worked tirelessly in Q1 of 2022 to provide you high quality recordings of every single route. We've gone so far as to acquire recordings of pre-LS Voltage content such as Queen's Gambit and all of the soundtracks. We've put assets up for download. There are a dozen passionate creators out there who have been updating their Ren'Py recreations so that you can scratch your itch - and all for free!!! What more could you possible want or need that only the greedy bastards at Voltage can give you - apart from seeing your custom MC name on the screen and the absolutely inconsequential choices B & C that our videos didn't cover?

Is this a call for a boycott? I guess not really, or at least I didn't consciously set out to make it like this. Dissuading others from purchasing legal access to media when it's easily available goes against my general principle about responsibly and pragmatically supporting creators. And as one 'em Gays™, I know the preciousness of possessing Queer Stories Written By Queer People.

But I was concerned at what seemed to be a wave of happiness and eagerness at news of the revival, without any mention of the absolute shit show that has led us to this very point. There's a very big part of me that's absolutely pissed at being taken for a ride. News of the revival has been a bittersweet development for us all, especially those who have poured their time, money and energy over the past 2.5 years into salvaging what was thought to be a lost piece of queer media - only to find out that all that effort might only get them a slap to the face in the form of a DMCA from the grave. So yeah, fuck you Voltage.

TLDR: You should really save your money for more ethical, indie developers who have the decency to not mock your consumer intelligence. I don't think it's a crime against humanity if you end up buying it after all, but just think about it yeah?

[dr-spectre]

If Callie wasn’t brainwashed then what happened? Wasn’t it like she just grew disillusioned with inkling society and decided to go underground?

Alright so, I've said this in other blog posts and i have gone into it multiple times, BUT! I'll try and sum it all up on what happened to Callie in Splatoon 2. It is very vague and i don't entirely blame people for coming to certain conclusions because the game didn't do a good enough job in my opinion, and the English translation has issues too which doesn't help at all...

So during Splatoon 1 and when it was getting content updates, we got to learn about Callie and Marie. If you look at the dialogue present in Naughty Vs. Nice, Early Bird Vs. Night Owl and Callie Vs. Marie Splatfests, their dialogue is rather harsh and personal towards each other, showing that Callie has these dark traits about her.

These mean and harsh qualities of Callie were built up since Splatoon 1 and they come into the forefront in Splatoon 2 and I'll go over that shortly.

After the final Splatfest and Marie's victory, the Squid Sisters became a lot more famous and stepped down from their news presenting duties and gave it to Pearl and Marina. During this period, Callie and Marie became more estranged with each other as Callie became more and more popular, meaning she got a LOT more busy and had to work day in and day out every single day at an acting gig. In the Squid Sister Stories web series, Callie is stated to be "lost at sea herself" meaning that her acting career and fame are taking a tole on her, and it's pretty easy to see that with the Sunken Scrolls in Splatoon 2.

At some point Callie and Marie managed to hang out and they decided that they would go to Calamari County to visit family. However.... As we know, it didn't pan out that way. Callie at some point in chapter 7 became flustered at work and basically ran off, which her manager thought she wanted to go home.

But... She didn't... She stumbled across DJ Octavio after he broke out from his snow globe (don't ask how, we don't know and plus, octopuses are very clever and can easily get out of trapped spaces).

Now, Octavio is a man who knows how to use manipulation and propaganda to his advantage. He is the leader of an entire race of people that are on the brink of collapse, it's either they all die, or he pulls the right strings to motivate his people to fight and take the Great Zapfish so that they don't die. And now we have an emotional and mentally unwell Callie who is suffering from so much attention and overwork, of course Octavio, the main antagonist, wanted to take advantage of that. Callie is a very powerful woman with the ability to influence and inspire others with her voice, of course Octavio wanted that kind of power to help his race and get them motivated again after their loss in Splatoon 1.

So what did he do? Did he grab her and kidnap her and put on some "evil brain warping shades" and brainwash her while she was kicking and screaming trying to stop him? WRONG!!!!!!!!!! As stated by the OFFCIAL Splatoon 2 relationship chart that i love to bring up all the time, there seemed to be an on going conversation about Callie joining the Octarians, Octavio possibly appealed to her sense of isolation, hidden resentment for Marie and her being so overworked. And she says "Ok, fine. I'll hear you out." Does that scream kidnapping to you? I don't think so.

She's even called "the lovable rebel" implying she felt some distain for Inkling society from the way they treated her and wanted to rebel. Would the developers and writers of a character who was forcibly brainwashed and kidnapped display as her a rebel and pose her like this? I don't think so.

Like you would not see Marina Agitando for example in these sort of poses in artwork because the circumstances and conditions are so vastly different.

So now let's get into those god damn mother fucking bitch ass hypnoshades. As their name suggests, they are shades with an element of hypnosis of some kind, if they weren't hypnotic shades and just turned people evil and forced Octarian ideals into their brains then they wouldn't be given that name. "Hypno" is a very specific word choice and it's done on purpose. Callie was hypnotized, not brainwashed, that word is only used in English translations of the game and outside media and if you ask any hardcore fan of a series made in Japan then you would know that English scripts kinda fuck up the Japanese ones most of the time. Take me for example, I'm a Sonic the Hedgehog fan, the Japanese versions of Sonic stories are vastly different from the Western versions in tone, dialogue, call backs, personalities, etc. Same thing with Splatoon unfortunately. Take the English translation of the Splatoon scripts with a MASSIVE grain of salt. Like a meteor sized grain of salt lmao.

Now, what is being hypnotized like? is it like being a mindless puppet that follows the orders of the person doing the hypnosis? Well... Nope. Not true actually. The way it' s portrayed in media is completely wrong and untrue. Hypnosis is similar to being in a flow state, or being incredibly relaxed while also having heighten attention and suggestibility. Imagine being in a daydream while still having hyper awareness of the stuff around you. Now that part about suggestibility is important because this is where people mess up. If a hypnotized person is given a suggestion that goes against their morals and ideologies, they will NOT!!!!!!!! follow through with that suggestion. If a hypnotized person is told to murder their family, they will not do so UNLESS they secretly want to murder them and it's in line with their psychotic and fucked up wishes.

If Octavio told Callie to murder Marie instead of Agent 4, she wouldn't follow through with the suggestion. Callie doesn't wanna murder Marie but instead she wants her to leave because their relationship is ruined. Callie doesn't mind trying to kill Agent 4 because firstly, she's mentally unwell and isn't thinking clearly from having a mental illness, and two, she doesn't have any personal attachments to Agent 4 so she can just listen to the suggestions from Octavio and follow through with them. Even in the rematches, Callie doesn't know Agent 4 all that well compared to Marie and it's clear Callie is still not doing so well after Splatoon 2.

Callie while under the hypnoshades is more like herself than not. Like this line for example is just typical Callie but she's more aggressive and mean.

If she was truly brainwashed then her personality would be A LOT more different. She would be a lot more subservient to Octavio and the Octarian race and her dialogue would show this too, but it does NOT! In fact Callie berates and talks back to Octavio during the final boss.

The only real differences between Callie and Hypno Callie is that she's more harsh and angry compared to regular Callie. However this anger... this rage... this hate was always there. It was always under the surface, and due to Callie's mental state from being overworked and now under hypnotic shades, that pain and anger is at the surface and is clouding her mind and making her not think rationally. She's more chaotic, she's aggressive and doesn't care for Marie anymore.

Now i do wanna discuss this line as it has been brought up multiple times to me and other discussions on Hypno Callie i see online.

First off, like i mentioned previously, the English translations of Splatoon stories and media sometimes gets it wrong. If you want examples then look at Commander Tartar and Marina's dialogue in Octo Expansion. You can look up retranslations of Octo Expansion to see the differences of the English and retranslated version. The only other mention of remixing a brain is in the Dutch translation. The other translations mention hypnosis and nothing about warping Callie's brain directly.

Second of all, DJ Octavio is... you guessed it... A DJ! He says musical terms to make puns and he's a loud personality.

In fact that "remix" line is actually a call back to the Splatoon 1 final boss and you know what, I'll give prompts for the English translation team for doing that... Still hate them for everything else tho lol.

DJ Octavio didn't literally remix her brain with evil brain warping shades. He is just saying that because it's to show that he got Callie on his side. So the "remixing" is just Callie becoming "evil" and hearing out Octavio.

Brainwashing implies that there is a forcible aspect to it, however from the evidence i just laid out, that cannot be the case as Octavio didn't force Callie into anything she didn't want to do. He didn't torture her, he didn't abuse her. He didn't put the shades on her by force as if he tried to do that he would get destroyed by the more energetic, younger and stronger squid woman that isn't a disabled 130 year old Octoling stuck in his octopus form.

He let her decorate bases and added glittery ink which motivated and inspired his people. Hell his approval ratings went up because the Octarians were happy and inspired by Callie's presence.

Now you may say "but didn't she lose her memories while under the shades and therefore she got brainwashed?"

Well.... Not really. I want you to put yourself in the shoes of Callie, you're in a very focused and hypnotic state, like being in a very concentrated flow state and you have a lot of anger and aggression in you. Your head is so cloudy and you're under a lot of mental distress. So imagine an ink bullet flying at your eyeball, flinging you out of that hypnotic state in a very fast fashion. It's like someone snapping their fingers in front of your face while you're concentrated on a task, or someone smacking you at the back of your head while you're working on something in a deeply concentrated manner. You are left confused and dazed and need a second to gather your composure back. Callie when the shades are removed from her, acts dazed and holds her head like she has a bad headache, only left to sing and dance cause she's an idol and that stuff is natural to her.

Some of the side effects that may occur when under hypnosis include headaches and nausea, and look at Callie when she's flung out of that hypnotic state, it looks like she has a headache and is in pain.

Now when Marie plays the Calamari Inkantation, what is actually happening here is that the song is energizing and motivating Callie. It is not freeing her from "brainwashing." That is a very common misconception about the song, implying that all Octarians are brainwashed and are just mindless drones when that is NOT TRUE AT ALL and is yet another case of bad translation. The song is just extremely catchy and it gives Octarians the motivation to wanna leave to the surface. It also makes Cuttlefish get the strength to break out of his restraints in Splatoon 1 and makes Smallfry transform into Hugefry. The song is so damn powerful and catchy, that's all it is, it is not a mind control cure, that is fucking false.

So what is happening with Callie is that the song is motivating her and flooding her head with good memories of her time with Marie. When the shades are flung off of her, she's still mad at Marie and still fights Agent 4, it takes a while but eventually she starts thinking more rationally, realizing that Marie has come to get her and what Callie has been doing was wrong. Songs are VERY powerful tools for memory and hearing a song you loved back when you were younger can bring out certain feelings and memories. Those happy memories flood Callie's mind and she goes "wait... what am i doing!? This isn't me, I REMEMBER! YEAH!" And she jumps into the air and transforms back into her iconic outfit sailor moon style.

With all of the information and context i presented, it really elevates everything that comes after. It makes Spicy Calamari Inkantation more powerful as a song as Callie has truly reunited with Marie. Fresh Start makes sense and fits perfectly with the narrative the writers wanted to tell. If you take the common and untrue narrative that people keep saying about Callie, Fresh Start literally makes zero sense in that untrue context.

It makes her eventual healing in Splatoon 3 and return to the public WAY MORE SATISFYING!

Callie has matured, she has grown up, she's more comfortable being in the spotlight again and can handle it as she has worked out her relationship with Marie. She used to suffer from being overworked and having an addiction to the shades as it gave her an escape from her life. She would rather be in a hypnotic state then go through her current life. It was only when Callie and Marie came together and truly changed things is when Callie was able to finally heal and get better.

That's why I'm so passionate about this, Callie truly went through a character arc, even it was rushed and poorly presented. I care about Callie and want people to get her story straight. Splatoon 2 was always about the Squid Sisters breaking up and eventually coming back together and becoming stronger. Callie is my comfort character and i want people to treat her better. She wasn't a powerless kidnap and brainwash victim. She was a woman with deep flaws, anger, sadness, aggression, that pain is gone now from her. She's finally... Happy. And that... makes me happy too.

[ursemma]

You're the best thing that's ever been mine!

Mattheo Riddle × fem!reader

Warning: trauma, angst, mention of knifes, alcohol, domestic fight, Pansy being a bitch, overthinking mention of depression and anxiety, loneliness, fluff, reassurance. Let me know if I missed anything (Happy ending!)

Post Hogwarts

Summary: basically based on Taylor Swift's Mine song.

'Do you remember, we were sittin' there by the water?

You put your arm around me for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing that's ever been mine'

Being a guarded person never in my life I thought I would sneak out, that too in the middle of night with Mattheo Riddle, but here I'm sitting by a lake with him, being wrapped around his arms, it's safe to say he brings out a rebel in me and I feel safe with him.

Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together

And there's a drawer of my things at your place'

Fast forward one year later, we left the town and I moved in with him, he had a place in the town we're staying at. It was our first year anniversary and I bought a cake for him and a watch as a gift. "Matty I'm home." I announced as I kept the cake on the table. Hearing no response I decided to look for him in our bedroom and there he was and there's a drawer of my things at his place and that is open I think I know what's going on.

'You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded

You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes'

The horror flushed into my eyes as I saw him reading my diary. I've written my entire childhood in that. How my father was alcoholic and how he used to neglect us, how my mother was so busy in work that she basically forgot she had a kid, how my parents reckless and careless behaviour made me so gaurded, how lonely I was my entire childhood that led anxiety and depression at an early age and how pathetic and weak person I was. And how it led to sever attachment issues and fear of being abandoned.

"w-what are you doing with that?" I asked him while carefully trying to read his expression hoping I wouldn't find a glimpse of disgust. Being an overthinker I can't help but think of worst of everything.

"why didn't you tell me?" He asked with curiosity. "Tell you what?" I tried to play it cool but I knew I lost.

"Don't. Don't do that. open up to me, I want to know everything of you y/n/n. Every peice of you. From your worst moments to your proudest, embarrassing to your happiest, darkest to your lightest. Every single thing. And I can't do that if you won't let me." He replied with a serious gaze and that truly made me break.

"what do you want to know? That my father abandoned us and went to exile and suddenly appeared when I was what like 13? And he used to come home drunk and every day I used to witness him and mom fighting every fucking night? Which used to remind me when I was just a fucking toddler my uncle used to do the same the only difference was that my uncle and aunt used to have a fucking knife pointed at each other. My mom trying to be a perfect mother she is neglected me by drowning herself into work. I was all alone witnessing everything with no one by my side. Scared from everything I used to lock up in my bedroom. I had no friends not even in school. I was bullied by my ex and his friends just because I broke up with him. I didn't had anyone to rely on. My fucking friends left me at my worst mattheo. Is that want you want to hear? how pathetic i am??. I replied while breaking down and he wrapped his arms around me while comforting me.

"first you're not pathetic. Second yes. I want to hear all of it every little detail of your life. If you don't tell me what hurted you how am I going to help you heal? I want to be their for you. In every step in your life I want to be their with you. And remember it's not your fault. And we'll never make your parents mistake. I'm not abandoning you or leaving you. You're never gonna get rid of me, you get tired? Sleep. And when you're feeling okay come back to me. The minute you agreed to be my girlfriend was the minute it was decided it's gonna be till death do us apart." He softly reassured me and that's what I needed to hear. For someone to tell me that it's not my fault. That they are going to be their for me. That it's ride or die.

'Do you remember, we were sittin' there by the water?

You put your arm around me, for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing that's ever been mine'

Me and Matty laid down on our bed and I told him every single detail of my life. And suddenly he spoke "do you remember our first date?" "Oh yes! You took me to the lake and we were sitting by the water!!" I exclaimed as i remembered the memory. "Yeah I can't believe that you snuck out for me" he chuckled. "Yeah and now I ran away with you and left the town" I replied with amusement. "I can't believe that I made a rebel of a careless man's carefull daughter and you're the best thing that's ever been mine."

I looked into his eyes as he said those words and saw nothing but sincerity. "You're the best thing that's ever been mine too, Matty, and I would break thousands of rules if it means spending every second of my lifetime with you." He looked at me smiled and pulled me in for a kiss. "Oh yeah?? Where's my rule following good girl i kinda missed her" he teased me and started to tickle me. "Oh my god Matty stop" i giggled and we spent the night cuddling in eachothers arms.

It's been two years since that incident and me and Mattheo grew up alot more as a couple. I heard his friends are in town and we're going to meet them. "Hiee I'm Lorenzo but you can call me Enzo it's nice to meet you mattheo talks alot about you whenever we meet or calls or text" he excitedly introduced himself.

So I met Theodore, Blaise, Enzo and Draco and they all were friendly, i already like them. As we were about to eat a girl introduced herself, "oh you can't be eating without me can you?" She looked over us and suddenly the table went silent.

"hey I'm Pansy Parkinson, Mattheo's e-" as she was about to complete the sentence "friend. She's our friend." Draco quickly answered. "Oh come on Draco you wouldn't want her to know how me and Mattheo used to smoke late night and cuddle up together? Is that what friends do? How we used to party till late forgetting about the world." Pansy spoke with a smirk and i already got a mean girl vibe from her. I looked over to mattheo and was glaring at her I was hoping for a explanation but was met with a silence.

"oh come on theo scoot over i heard this was a friends reunion and i wasn't invited" she said while taking a seat. "This was a meet up of the boys with my girlfriend pansy and it was better off without you, and i think by not inviting you clearly gives a massage that I didn't wanted you to be here" Mattheo spoke while shooting draggers at her. "Oh come on Mattheo did you forget i was always a party crasher?" She replied by throwing a wink at him.

The entire dinner went silently and I got up and went to restroom to wash my hands "oh comeon do you really think Mattheo loves you?" I heard pansy's voice. "I mean you are completely opposite of his type. You don't party, you don't smoke, you don't dress up, you aren't even that pretty and comeon you aren't even that confident. And trust me Mattheo is known Playboy, if you ask any girl from our school 8 out of 10 girls has dated him. He can't keep a girl longer and you're nothing but another experiment for him" As she spoke insecurity started to crawl up my skin. I mean she was right wasn't she, he has a reputation to keep, he would leave me if he find a better one, and i being myself would be left alone just like always. I'm not pretty enough, i don't do anything he likes, I don't smoke, i don't drink infact i hate alcohol, I lack confidence, I'm weak, I'm fragile, I'm pathetic. "Yeah you're right." With that i left the restroom.

I stared to think about everything she said and don't know how but I ended up at the nearest park.

'And I remember that fight, 2:30 AM

As everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street'

I didn't realised it was 2:30 Am I looked at my phone and there were 80+ missed calls and 150+ msgs from Mattheo, there were 50+ calls and msgs from his friends. "Shit" cursing my self I decided to go home. "Y/n/n is that you??" Mattheo exclaimed with relief as he saw me leaving the park. I was about to exit but he came towards me.

"Where were you why weren't you answering calls and massages and what happened to you?" He asked me scanning my face. " A- as you can see I- I was at the park and m-mattheo after thinking alot I- I think it's best if we-" i stuttered while speaking. 'pathetic. Can't even speak without fumbling. Pansy was right he'll get tired of me.' the devil in me spoke. "If we what?" He spoke being dead serious. "I-if if we broke up." I gathered the courage and spoke it looking at my feet.

"don't you dare. Don't you dare to think of breaking up just bcoz 'you thought alot.' and where is this coming from?." He spoke angrily. "Don't you see? This isn't working and it won't. There are alot of girls better than me. I'm not like you Mattheo. I don't party, I don't smoke, I hate alcohol, I'm not like you. I don't like being in a crowded place. I'm not the one you want. Pansy was right about it Mattheo and on top you've a reputation to keep you'll get tired of me eventually." I hated how I sounded, I hate how this was taking place moreover I hated how it was falling apart.

Braced myself for the goodbye

'Cause that's all I've ever known

Then you took me by surprise

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

"i think it's better if we parted our ways." I countinued i was met with a silence for a minute and I spoke "wh- why aren't you saying anything?" "Are you done?" That was his answer. "Are you done speaking nonsense? And care to give me a chance to speak?" "Yes I'm done you can say." I replied while trying to sound composed.

"I've changed since I met you. My life then was chaotic and it brought me nothing but destruction. I partied, drank, smoke to drown my sorrow, I changed girls like cloth just for pleasure. But after everything went down with my father and all I changed. I was in highschool then y/n/n. I was a whole different person, I changed the town to move on, to move on with you, to become a better person, and other girls out there they aren't you. I want you. And i don't care about them okay? I care about you. I'll never get tired of you. And trust me I'll never leave you alone. Fuck what pansy said I don't care. the reason I didn't wanted you to meet her wasn't that I still want her it was the fact that I knew she'll pull a stunt like this. And about confidence, it takes time you haven't completely healed, and we're working on that, and I'm there for you. I don't think you're pathetic and I don't care what other's think i love you and that's what matters and it's not your fault what happened with you." He hugged me as spoke those words and I believed him.

Do you remember, we were sittin' there by the water? You put your arm around me, for the first time.

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?

You saw me start to believe for the first time.

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

"And by the way, happy birthday." I looked at him in utter confusion, it's my birthday? Oh shit it is. "I knew you'll forget it" he rolled his eyes teasingly "oh comeon with everything going on you expect me to remember it." I replied playfully and suddenly he got on his knees I looked at him in confusion "so my beloved, as it's your birthday I want to give you a gift. A promise to always be with you in every step of your life, a promise to never leave, a promise to Cherise you forever, a promise to never hurt you , a promise to be with you till death do us apart. Y/n l/n will you marry me and do the honour to let me fulfill every promise I've made and accept my gift?" I looked at him stunned and it was dead silence and the only sound we could hear was of water running in the nearby fountain. "Oh comeon answer me and let me wife you up!!" He whined like a child. I chuckled and screamed "yes Matty I'll marry you!!" He slided the ring on my finger and hugged me we jumped like little kids and my inner child felt safe with him. I started to believe for the first time.

[666writingcafe]

Surprise

Lucifer

Everything hurts. And I mean everything, from the top of my head all the way down to my feet. The worst part is that I can't do a single thing about it because I'm too busy trying to wrangle my brothers in.

There's a part of me that just wants to throw my hands up in the air and walk away from the situation, but my pride won't let me. Whether I like it or not, these guys fell with me, meaning that they're my responsibility. I can't leave them unsupervised. As it is, they've done immense damage to the room we're currently in; if I wasn't here, there might not even be a room left standing.

Mammon is grabbing every shiny object in the room and hoarding it in a corner, Levi's already flooded the room once, Asmo's broken every mirror, Beel's taken a bite out of any object that resembles food, and Belphie's somehow passed out on the couch.

And then there's the newest addition to this motley crew, Satan. He's responsible for half the damage in this room simply from allowing his frequent fits of rage to control his actions. He's also scratched us quite a number of times whenever we've tried to restrain him.

I'm on the verge of breaking, despite my best efforts to keep myself composed. Someone in our group has to, and it isn't going to be any of these guys.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the prince and his butler standing in the doorway. Between them is a demon I've not seen before. Must be yet another applicant. I understand why the ad was put out, but every single person that has come in to try their hand at managing us has failed miserably. They often lie in two groups: those that are scared off by the responsibility, and those that I have to send away before they hurt any of us, sometimes by force.

Judging by the look on this particular demon's face, I'd say they're about to be a member of the first group. They seem way too nervous to be able to remain in this room for longer than five seconds.

I glance up at the clock and watch the second hand as it passes six marks.

Remarkably, the demon in question is still here, and they've actually managed to step inside the room. I would applaud their courage, but I have to keep my guard up. Their nervousness could have been a ruse, and they actually intend on causing trouble for us. That wouldn't be the first time that's happened since these little auditions began.

They carefully approach Satan, who's currently growling like a wild animal. While they're not unique in their decision to choose Satan as their first target, they're definitely the most gentle about it. The others have usually stormed up to him and started picking a fight with him. I don't know what they were trying to achieve, but it was a really stupid move on their part to purposely provoke him.

"Look," they murmur, summoning a ball of white light to appear right above their hand. Something about it seems to interest Satan, for not only has he stopped growling, but his eyes are intently trained on it.

"Do you like it?" the demon asks softly. Satan slowly nods his head. "Do you want to hold it?" Another nod. I think it's the most he's ever communicated with anyone outside of screaming and snarling at them. I suppose that's a mark in their favor.

But it could also be a trap. There's been a couple people that have used similar tactics, where they've appeared sweet but then turn violent at the flip of a switch.

As the demon transfers the ball of light to Satan's hand, I quickly realize that's not the case. The longer he holds it, the calmer he seems to become. I don't know what kind of magic this demon used to quiet Satan down, but it seems to be working.

"Who are you?" he asks them. The simple question causes everyone to stop what they're doing and gawk at him, making the room eerily silent. This is the first time Satan's actually spoken.

"Why are you looking at me?" he adds, shooting dirty looks towards the others. "Do you think I'm a freak or something?"

"Don't worry about them," the demon coaxes. "Just focus on me." Surprisingly, Satan listens to them, albeit with a sour expression on his face.

"To answer your question, my name is Zephyr," they explain.

"Zephyr?" Satan repeats. "Like the west wind?"

"Sort of." Zephyr softly smiles at him. "Do you like Greek mythology?" Satan's face lights up.

"I was actually just reading a book about it. It's one in an encyclopedia series that goes over various mythological creatures across multiple realms."

"What the fuck is even happening right now?" I hear Mammon whisper.

"Since when could he talk?" Asmo quietly adds. The whispering causes Satan to frown.

"What's wrong?" Zephyr asks, making Satan sigh.

"They're always doing that," he answers quietly. "Making me feel like a monster." Hearing him say that makes my heart break. At the same time, I'm incredibly disappointed in my brothers. They have all been in his position before, so they should know better than to inflict that kind of pain onto someone.

Then again, it's not like they're angels anymore. Maybe they've lost the ability to empathize with others.

"Well, I don't think you're a monster," Zephyr tells Satan. "You just need someone to spend time with you, don't you?"

"That would be nice."

"Gentlemen." The prince's voice rings throughout the room. I forgot he was in here, to be honest. "I believe we have found your new attendant."

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr

[imaginecolby]

Friends with Benefits || Part Two - The Surprise

in the weeks leading up to christmas, you and colby spent a significant amount of time together. but following the holidays, as you both started to get busy again. with the two of you back at work and dealing with your separate adult lives, the nights you spent together became few and far between. you’d spent new year’s and his birthday together, and you made sure to treat him nicely. it unfortunately became radio silence following that.

"i just miss him. it's been two weeks since his birthday, and the last time we were with each other." you sighed to your friend. they were the only one who knew about your situation with colby, and the only person you could confide in.

"you guys really haven't spoken in two weeks?" they asked.

"we've spoken, and we have seen each other, but not like we used to. i mean, we’re friends first, and have been for years. before we started hooking up, we saw each other regularly. now it’s like, a single text every other day, and a quick hi and bye when we actually do see each other.” you sighed. “and it's been two weeks since we've had sex. i think that's the longest we've gone without it since we started hooking up.”

"i dont want to be asking the obvious here, but have you tried telling him you need him?" they asked, and you just nodded.

"maybe he's finally over it, and i just have to move on." you sighed.

later that evening, as you were trying to decide on dinner, nothing seemed appetizing to you. you eventually decided on take out, ordering something from the sandwich shop down the street. when it was delivered, your appetite faded, and the idea of eating was completely out of your mind.

the smell of your food was nauseating, but you figured it was just because you were that hungry. you unpacked your food and sat down to eat. you felt a bit better after you ate some of your sandwich, but that unfortunately didn't last. you ran to the bathroom, feeling like you were going to throw up. although, nothing came up.

you searched around your medicine cabinet for something to settle your stomach. you scoured and cleared out your cabinets and didn’t find anything that you could take. although, you did find something else that could explain your stomach ache.

"oh fuck." you said aloud, your birth control pills in your hand. you looked down at them, realizing you’d forgotten to take your last one. "fuck, fuck, fuck."

here came the vomit.

after you finished throwing up, you sat on the floor with a million thoughts racing through your mind.

is this for real? what am i gonna do? what is colby gonna say? how could i have let this happen?

you took some time to collect your thoughts and finally found the strength to get up from the floor. you gathered your thinks to head to the drugstore to get some tums and buy a pregnancy test. just as you opened the door to leave, there was colby standing with his hand up, about to knock.

"oh! what are you doing here?" you asked out of breath, heart dropping to your stomach.

"i missed you. i'm sorry i’ve been less talkative than usual. sam and i had a lot of planning for these upcoming trips, and catching up on work since the holiday."

"no worries! i'm glad youre okay. i missed you too." you said with a small smile.

"your voice sounds raspy, are you okay?"

"i've got a bit of an upset stomach, and threw up a little bit. i was just gonna run to the drugstore and get some tums."

"okay then, let's go." colby said, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. your heart fell deeper into your stomach, but you knew better than to try and convince him to let you go on your own.

the walk down to the drugstore was awkward, as you and colby made small conversation. you didn't want to tell him anything, especially since you weren't sure if there was going to be anything to tell.

you walked up and down the aisles of the drugstore, and you grabbed your tums and another anti nausea medicine. you stood at the end of the family planning aisle, shoes suddenly feeling like they were full of cement. the words on the sign taunted you, unsettling your stomach and making you want to throw up again.

you walked down the aisle and stood in front of the pregnancy tests, overwhelmed by how many options there were. as you stood there, trying to make a decision, you heard colby's voice calling out to you.

"y/n?" he asked, you turned to face him, tears welling in your eyes. "are you ..?"

"maybe." you said quietly. you stared at each other, a thick tension forming between you. the color faded completely from his face, and his eyes were wide. you were sure you had the same expression on your face.

you finally grabbed a box from the shelf and went to pay for your things. you and colby walked back to your apartment in silence, neither of you knowing what to say to each other.

you walked off to your room as colby sat in the living room. you locked yourself in the bathroom, starting to cry again while you worked up the courage to actually take the test. once you finally did, you set it on the counter and threw a handfull of tums into your mouth. you began pacing the bathroom, your mind racing again while you waited for the results.

you jumped at the sound of your timer finally going off. you took a deep breath before finally picking the test up from the counter. you slowly opened your eyes, them filling with tears as soon as they landed on the screen.

you slowly walked out of the bathroom and into the living room, colby standing up as soon as he saw you.

“so? what’s the result?” he asked softly.

“i’m pregnant.”

[canirove]

My neighbour Rúben | Chapter 21

Author's note: And we've made it to the end 😔 Hope you guys have enjoyed this story even if it isn't the very best out there and the plot isn't groundbreaking 😅 But sometimes you just need to read something cute and simple, and that was my aim with this. As always, thank you very much for reading and all your support. It means a lot 💜

Previous chapter

Masterlist

It had been a month since my fall at the Etihad. Since I had made it to the news because someone had reported that the woman rolling down the stairs was Rúben Dias girlfriend and that that was the reason why he had run to her aid half way through the team’s warm-up. Turns out that I wasn’t dreaming when I thought I had heard his voice.

And, of course, after being on tv now everyone knew about us, my parents included. After a few calls from my mum asking me how I was, she had finally convinced my dad to come visit me in Manchester, see with her own eyes that I was actually ok and that I wasn't lying every time she had called me, and also meet Rúben.

“Can you please stop? You are making me nervous” he said.

“I can’t. This is huge, Rúben. Like… huge” I said, dramatically lifting my arms in the air. “It’s not just that my parents are coming back to Manchester after ages and the possibility of us fixing things, but also ruining them forever. They are coming to meet you too. My boyfriend. The first I’m introducing them to.”

“Hopefully the last one too” he replied with his usual smirk.

“God, I hate you” I said, back to pacing around the living room. 

We were meeting at Lucy’s apartment since she and Julia were out with Rodri getting to know each other a bit more. Though Julia was already as in love with him as she was with Rúben.

“I love you too” he chuckled, those three words being something I still hadn’t been able to say despite being what I felt. 

“Urgh, that’s them” I said when I heard the door’s bell. 

“Relax, it’s gonna be ok” Rúben said, putting his hands on my shoulders. “I’ll charm them the same way I’ve done with your whole family.”

“Yeah, sure” I said, with a nervous laugh.

“I will. This is gonna work, ok?”

“Ok” I said, taking a deep breath.

“I love you” Rúben said.

“I love you too” I replied, not realising what I had said until I saw the smile on his face. I loved his smirk, but this one… This one had just become my new favourite smile.

“C´mon, let’s go meet my in-laws. We don’t want to keep them waiting” he said, taking my hand and walking towards the door.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

And all that, takes us to the present day. 

"Do you know what day it is today?" Rúben asks me as we walk towards our apartment. Because his apartment, is ours now.

Lucy and Julia have moved to Rodri's house, where she is loving having a huge garden to play football with him. Though what she is loving the most, is the idea of becoming a big sister in just a few months.

"It wasn't planned, it just happened" Lucy shrugged after sharing the news. "But I know he is the one, and not because every single person that knows me has said it. It is because I can feel it. It is different to what I've felt with all the other guys I've been with before, my ex included. He is the one."

After they left, Rúben asked me to move in with him, and I obviously said yes. Now I still take care of Julia from time to time when both Lucy and Rodri are busy, but I am not her nanny anymore.

"I'm 6 now! I don't need a nanny, that's for babies" she said one day. 

What I keep doing tho, is being her piano teacher. Hers, and a bunch of kids from her school. We’ve kept the piano at Lucy’s apartment, only going there for my lessons so we don’t bother Rúben. But besides teaching, I’m also playing at events and weddings all over the country. It doesn’t matter if they are posh or tacky, if they have a low budget or lots of money. If I like the people I’m playing for, I say yes. 

My dad didn't like the idea at first and said that, of course, I should focus on teaching. But when he saw how much I was earning by playing on those events, he changed his mind. And I want to think that the fact that he was seeing me enjoying playing the piano for the first time in my life, also had something to do with it. 

And things have also kept getting better and better between us. He has joined grandad and I at some Arsenal games, and Rúben got to charm him just as he said he would. Though I must confess I still am getting used to how well they get along. Seeing them laughing together feels so weird… 

"Do you remember or not?" Rúben asks me again when we make it to the front door, the new doorman opening it for us. Roger retired and he is now living in the countryside with his wife.

"Wednesday?"

"That's now what I asked. The number."

"Eh… 10th?"

"Urgh" he says, rolling his eyes. "Today, three years ago, we met for the first time. And it happened here, in front of this lift."

It had been three years already. Three years since I met Julia at the shopping centre. Since Lucy asked me to work for her. Since Rúben and I crossed paths on this same spot and I just froze in place. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen, and he still is. 

"I remember the way you looked at me" he chuckles. "You couldn't stop staring."

"I probably looked like an idiot. Or a creep."

"You looked very cute" he says, calling for the lift. "I couldn't stop thinking about you, about who you could be."

"Really?" I ask. He had never told me about it, about what he had felt when we first met. In my case, I didn't have to tell him. As usual, my face had said it all.

"Really. I don't know what it was, but there was something special about you. It felt... Different."

"Lucy would call that the one feeling" I chuckle.

"The what?" 

"The feeling you get when you meet the right person. The one" I say, walking into the lift.

"Interesting… But you know," Rúben says, walking behind me and pressing our floor's number. "This lift isn't just important because we met here for the first time. It also is important because it brought us together again."

"Oh, please. Don't remind me of that day."

"It wasn’t that bad" Rúben says with that smirk of his.

"The beginning was really bad. The end, not so much" I say, mimicking his smile.

"That's what I thought. And here is the thing" he says, stopping the lift.

"Rúben, what are you doing?"

"Listen to me" he says, taking my hands on his. "You just said it yourself, that what I felt when I first met you was because you were the one. And it's the truth. You are my one. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I had a list of things I wanted to tell you, but I’m too nervous and I've forgotten most of them, so I'll keep it simple" he says, letting go of my hands and getting on one knee. "Will you marry me?" 

"Rúben, I..." I mumble, watching him get a small box from his pocket and opening it, the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen inside it. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure or serious about anything in my life. So I'll ask again, here, on this lift that brought us together. Twice. Will you marry me?"

"Yes" I say, my voice shaking. "Yes, Rúben, I will marry you."

I barely give him any time to get up, throwing myself at him and kissing him. A kiss, that three years later, keeps feeling and being movie worth it.

"I love you" he whispers, his lips still on mine.

"I love you too" I reply.

"But before we keep making out, can I put this on your finger?" he says, showing me box.

"Yes, of course."

"I hope it fits" he chuckles. "Lucy said it was the right size."

"She knows?"

"She knows" he smiles. "And she was right. Perfect."

"Wow" I say, inspecting it closer. "It's beautiful, Rúben."

"Do you like it?"

"I love it. Though not as much as I love you" I say, kissing him again.

"We should probably go home, don't you think?" he says. "Continue with the celebrations there."

"I like how that sounds. Very very much."

But the moment the lift's doors open on our floor...

"Congratulations!" our friends and families scream.

"What the..." I mutter, my heart on my throat. "What is this?"

"A surprise party to celebrate our engagement" Rúben says, hugging me from behind.

"So… they all knew?"

"Yep" he replies, kissing my neck.

"What if I had said no?"

"Oh, c'mon, that was impossible" Lucy says, coming to give a hug. "He is your one, remember?"

"He is, yes" I say, looking at him while Rodri and Ivan congratulate Rúben, a big smile on my face. "He is the one."

━━━━❃━━━━ FIN ━━━━❃━━━━

[iisasarcasticlittleshite]

Hello! I hope your day/night is great!! Can I request for kiribaku with a male reader who they found crying in the bathroom because of stress, it was the first time they saw the reader cry because the reader is the type of person who say to others "I'm fine, nothings wrong" when they're actually not fine Take your time btw! <3

Hey! I know I've got a different ask to work on as well but this one just spoke to me today, and I've never been good at doing things in order haha!

Be warned of strong language (Katsuki's a potty mouth) and implied blood, nothing too serious though.

Let me know what you think!

Dynamight and Red Riot were a sight to behold, stampeding through the city as fast as their legs could carry them, away from the scene now under control.

A villain with an incredibly volatile quirk lost their cool in the middle of a busy shopping mall, he would've brought down the whole building if it wasn't for you.

Dynamight and Red Riot had been doing damage control outside the building, trying to get the hundreds of people to safety, they had no idea what you were dealing with inside.

The villain took a hostage, a little girl. You'd been fighting for her life for the past four hours, and though you'd won, you'd had to use more force than you would have wanted too.

That villain is barely clinging to life, the child now safe with the paramedics looking for her parents, but you, you were nowhere to be found.

It was a gruelling hour, waiting to hear from you, until Red Riot got a call from your secretary at the agency building,

You'd stormed in half an hour ago, and hadn't come out of the bathroom.

Your partners burst into the front door of the agency, checking every bathroom they passed before finding the one on the third floor, locked.

"Oi! Get this damn door open or I'll blast outta the damn wall!"

"Bakugo, chill." Kirishima placated, fighting to catch his breath after the all-out sprint to your side. "He doesn't need you yelling at him right now."

Bakugo forced himself to take a deep breath, forced himself to reign in the fear of whatever could be wrong with you. Images of you sitting at the edge of the sink, trying to stitch up your own wounds flashed through his mind. You'd done it before, and had the gall to smile sheepishly at him the whole time.

Kirishima stepped up to the door, placing a gentle hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Please let us in, baby. We just wanna make sure you're okay. You know he'll do it."

It would not be the first time Katsuki caused property damage for his boyfriends.

Eijirou tenses as he heard footsteps on the other side of the door, the boots you wore for work were sturdy, it amazed him how you could tread so softly in them.

The door eased open, but you remained out of sight until they both stepped through the door, and you slammed it shut and locked it again.

Katsuki audibly gasped at the sight of you, covered in dust and soot, thankfully no blood, but...

Streaks of tears cleaved paths through the dirt caked on your cheeks, your eyes, bloodshot and glassy, continued to pour crystalline tears, sticking to your eyelashes.

For a beat, your boyfriends are frozen. Years, years they've known you, through UA, into the pro-Hero world.

Never, never have you shed a single tear.

Or at least, not in front of them.

"Oh...oh baby." Eijirou is immediately in comfort mode, but he doesn't quite know which approach to take with you. Did you want space, to talk about it?

To your surprise, it's Katsuki who steps up with no hesitation and yanks you into his arms, gauntlets clattering to the floor as he threw his arms around you in a bone crushing hug.

You whined, buried your face in your neck, clinging to the material of his costume. His grip was tight, almost too tight, and exactly what you needed, grounding you in reality, in him, from where you'd been drifting in your worst regrets.

"You did good." He whispered softly, nuzzling into your hair. "You did so good, hero."

You stopped holding back the tremors, and Eijiro was soon at your back, enveloping you both in his big arms, pressing kisses to the back of your neck and whispering sweet nothings to you until the shaking stopped.

You lifted your head, coming face to face with Katsuki's blazing crimson eyes. He tutted at you, painfully gentle as his thumb wiped the tear tracks off your cheek.

"Tch, asshole, even when you're cryin' you're the prettiest son-of-a-bitch I've ever seen."

"Katsuki!" Eijiro chuckled even as he scolded your explosive boyfriend.

"What?" Katsuki huffed at Eijiro, cradling the back of your head and pressing a kiss to your other cheek. "I'm not wrong, see!"

Katsuki spun you around to face your other boyfriend, and you could already feel yourself smiling at their antics. Katsuki has a way of making the worst situation feel...no so bad.

He's obnoxious, but, consistent.

Eijiro, sweet, big teddy bear Eijiro, leaned down to press kisses to your forehead, your cheeks, your nose, until he'd kissed away anything remotely resembling tears. "Yup, still handsome."

By now, you can't hold back a smile, and you wouldn't want to anyway. "Thank you."

"What're you thankin' us for? You did the ass kicking!" Katsuki announced proudly, wrapping both arms around you to rest his head on your shoulder. "Seriously, babe, you did good."

You took a deep breath, let yourself lean into him. Eijiro smoothed your hair down, cradling one of your hands to his lips to kiss your bruised knuckles.

It'd take some convincing to get you to let go of the guilt, you held yourself to impossible standards, your boyfriend's know that about you.

Luckily, you're dating the two most determined men on this Earth, determined to love you, tears and all, men who think no less of you whether you announce your feelings to the world, or tuck them away to yourself.

"Let's get you home, hero."

[pizzaronipasta]

READ THIS BEFORE INTERACTING

Alright, I know I said I wasn't going to touch this topic again, but my inbox is filling up with asks from people who clearly didn't read everything I said, so I'm making a pinned post to explain my stance on AI in full, but especially in the context of disability. Read this post in its entirety before interacting with me on this topic, lest you make a fool of yourself.

AI Doesn't Steal

Before I address people's misinterpretations of what I've said, there is something I need to preface with. The overwhelming majority of AI discourse on social media is argued based on a faulty premise: that generative AI models "steal" from artists. There are several problems with this premise. The first and most important one is that this simply isn't how AI works. Contrary to popular misinformation, generative AI does not simply take pieces of existing works and paste them together to produce its output. Not a single byte of pre-existing material is stored anywhere in an AI's system. What's really going on is honestly a lot more sinister.

How It Actually Works

In reality, AI models are made by initializing and then training something called a neural network. Initializing the network simply consists of setting up a multitude of nodes arranged in "layers," with each node in each layer being connected to every node in the next layer. When prompted with input, a neural network will propagate the input data through itself, layer by layer, transforming it along the way until the final layer yields the network's output. This is directly based on the way organic nervous systems work, hence the name "neural network." The process of training a network consists of giving it an example prompt, comparing the resulting output with an expected correct answer, and tweaking the strengths of the network's connections so that its output is closer to what is expected. This is repeated until the network can adequately provide output for all prompts. This is exactly how your brain learns; upon detecting stimuli, neurons will propagate signals from one to the next in order to enact a response, and the connections between those neurons will be adjusted based on how close the outcome was to whatever was anticipated. In the case of both organic and artificial neural networks, you'll notice that no part of the process involves directly storing anything that was shown to it. It is possible, especially in the case of organic brains, for a neural network to be configured such that it can produce a decently close approximation of something it was trained on; however, it is crucial to note that this behavior is extremely undesirable in generative AI, since that would just be using a wasteful amount of computational resources for a very simple task. It's called "overfitting" in this context, and it's avoided like the plague.

The sinister part lies in where the training data comes from. Companies which make generative AI models are held to a very low standard of accountability when it comes to sourcing and handling training data, and it shows. These companies usually just scrape data from the internet indiscriminately, which inevitably results in the collection of people's personal information. This sensitive data is not kept very secure once it's been scraped and placed in easy-to-parse centralized databases. Fortunately, these issues could be solved with the most basic of regulations. The only reason we haven't already solved them is because people are demonizing the products rather than the companies behind them. Getting up in arms over a type of computer program does nothing, and this diversion is being taken advantage of by bad actors, who could be rendered impotent with basic accountability. Other issues surrounding AI are exactly the same way. For example, attempts to replace artists in their jobs are the result of under-regulated businesses and weak worker's rights protections, and we're already seeing very promising efforts to combat this just by holding the bad actors accountable. Generative AI is a tool, not an agent, and the sooner people realize this, the sooner and more effectively they can combat its abuse.

Y'all Are Being Snobs

Now I've debunked the idea that generative AI just pastes together pieces of existing works. But what if that were how it worked? Putting together pieces of existing works... hmm, why does that sound familiar? Ah, yes, because it is, verbatim, the definition of collage. For over a century, collage has been recognized as a perfectly valid art form, and not plagiarism. Furthermore, in collage, crediting sources is not viewed as a requirement, only a courtesy. Therefore, if generative AI worked how most people think it works, it would simply be a form of collage. Not theft.

Some might not be satisfied with that reasoning. Some may claim that AI cannot be artistic because the AI has no intent, no creative vision, and nothing to express. There is a metaphysical argument to be made against this, but I won't bother making it. I don't need to, because the AI is not the artist. Maybe someday an artificial general intelligence could have the autonomy and ostensible sentience to make art on its own, but such things are mere science fiction in the present day. Currently, generative AI completely lacks autonomy—it is only capable of making whatever it is told to, as accurate to the prompt as it can manage. Generative AI is a tool. A sculpture made by 3D printing a digital model is no less a sculpture just because an automatic machine gave it physical form. An artist designed the sculpture, and used a tool to make it real. Likewise, a digital artist is completely valid in having an AI realize the image they designed.

Some may claim that AI isn't artistic because it doesn't require effort. By that logic, photography isn't art, since all you do is point a camera at something that already looks nice, fiddle with some dials, and press a button. This argument has never been anything more than snobbish gatekeeping, and I won't entertain it any further. All art is art. Besides, getting an AI to make something that looks how you want can be quite the ordeal, involving a great amount of trial and error. I don't speak from experience on that, but you've probably seen what AI image generators' first drafts tend to look like.

AI art is art.

Disability and Accessibility

Now that that's out of the way, I can finally move on to clarifying what people keep misinterpreting.

I Never Said That

First of all, despite what people keep claiming, I have never said that disabled people need AI in order to make art. In fact, I specifically said the opposite several times. What I have said is that AI can better enable some people to make the art they want to in the way they want to. Second of all, also despite what people keep claiming, I never said that AI is anyone's only option. Again, I specifically said the opposite multiple times. I am well aware that there are myriad tools available to aid the physically disabled in all manner of artistic pursuits. What I have argued is that AI is just as valid a tool as those other, longer-established ones.

In case anyone doubts me, here are all the posts I made in the discussion in question: Reblog chain 1 Reblog chain 2 Reblog chain 3 Reblog chain 4 Potentially relevant ask

I acknowledge that some of my earlier responses in that conversation were poorly worded and could potentially lead to a little confusion. However, I ended up clarifying everything so many times that the only good faith explanation I can think of for these wild misinterpretations is that people were seeing my arguments largely out of context. Now, though, I don't want to see any more straw men around here. You have no excuse, there's a convenient list of links to everything I said. As of posting this, I will ridicule anyone who ignores it and sends more hate mail. You have no one to blame but yourself for your poor reading comprehension.

What Prompted Me to Start Arguing in the First Place

There is one more thing that people kept misinterpreting, and it saddens me far more than anything else in this situation. It was sort of a culmination of both the things I already mentioned. Several people, notably including the one I was arguing with, have insisted that I'm trying to talk over physically disabled people.

Read the posts again. Notice how the original post was speaking for "everyone" in saying that AI isn't helpful. It doesn't take clairvoyance to realize that someone will find it helpful. That someone was being spoken over, before I ever said a word.

So I stepped in, and tried to oppose the OP on their universal claim. Lo and behold, they ended up saying that I'm the one talking over people.

Along the way, people started posting straight-up inspiration porn.

I hope you can understand where my uncharacteristic hostility came from in that argument.

[lol-jackles]

It was listed on multiple sites during the release of S3 of The Boys, that Jensen took home $800,000 for the entire show. Since most tend to believe those sites more than tumblr gossip bloggers, I'm guessing that is why people are doubting you. The other interesting fact is when you state that Jared made $300K for Walker? Aside from your cute little blog, no one in the actual industry is reporting that. It may be true, but I doubt you have any real knowledge, as Jared doesn't call you personally to review his contracts. Then again, maybe he does.

Where are these "multiple sites" you speak of? Why is it every time Anons claim there are many sources saying this and saying that about Jensen, they never pony up the sources? I've been asking for sources from y'all for years! And if their source comes from a single website called celebrity networth, it's useless because they use "proprietary algorithm" for estimating networth and salaries and have exactly zero accountability for providing accurate numbers and often inflate the numbers as click baits. Actors have debunked the site's inflated claims on their own accounts.

"The other interesting fact is when you state that Jared made $300K for Walker?"

Did you ever wonder why the Successions actors were able to negotiate pay raise from under $100,000 per episode to $300,000 per episode by the 3rd season even though the show was only getting about 550K people watching its Sunday nights episode?

"It may be true, but I doubt you have any real knowledge,"

Just read my posts in the "salary" tag going back to 2017. Boy did I piss people off! Until the 2023 SAG-AFTRA strike happened when actors showed off their pitiful residuals and revealed their low streaming salary and reiterate that actors with regular job on broadcast network shows still get high salaries under the old systems. All this confirmed what I've been saying on my cute little blog for 6 years leading up 2023. You, little Anon, is just the upteenth pre-2023 Anons in my Askbox frothing in the mouth that I ruined their fantasies that their favorite actors were not being paid the worth they think they should be paid.

How this industry conduct business hasn't changed for the past 25 years when I was in the thick of it (What I did in Hollywood and why I left ) It's actually gotten worse for actors except for those in broadcast network shows. Until 2024, then those same actors had to agree to pay cap or pay cuts during the contraction era.

"Jared doesn't call you personally to review his contracts. Then again, maybe he does."

He doesn't. I just know how business affairs departments works and what actors' quotes are when they are of the same tier as Jared and Jensen. It's why we had a good laugh over the 2018 quote ban.

One of the reasons why I started my cute little Tumblr blog in 2016 was because my twitter account got deactivated in 2015 (X). for talking too much about BTS stuff. Clearly I didn't learn my lesson about not tagging shit and got my account deactivate again in 2021 (X). A few readers think I'm Kamran Pasha, who wrote for a few CW shows and also seen his twitter get deactivated for dishing too much BTS stuff.

Nobody cares about Tumblr because it can't be monetized and it doesn't have real influence (which is why Misha Collins let his tumblr blog rot), therefore blogs rarely get deactivated. It's why I'm here.

[nykloss]

I'm seeing so much actively harmful misinfo regarding boycotts.

If you are spreading information on a boycott PLEASE focus on just what the BDS is asking you to boycott. In my honest opinion even THAT is a lot to keep track of, but boycotts work better the more laser-focused they are.

This is the closest thing to an official boycott being asked:

I've seen a lot of posts both here and elsewhere asking people to boycott not just everything on that list, but also Walmart, Amazon, Google, PespsiCo, Coke, Nestle, 4 dozen other big name conglomerates, and a big list of at least 50+ individual celebrities/CEOs/actors. That is not boycotting.

If YOU want to personally abstain from every Israeli-supporting-prduct/service you can, please do it!!!! Even before now, I've personally always abstain from chick-fil-a and 🏴‍☠️ most of my media–but that isn't an organized boycott. In fact, spreading info that every single one of those companies/individuals are "part of the boycott" is blatant misinformation and actually harms the boycott.

Giant lists that include dozens to hundreds of giant conglomerates and individuals that are hard to keep track of are meant to overwhelm individuals and dissuade them from boycotting at best, and are actively impossible to personally enforce at worst. If you are reading this post, chances are you are breaking one of the many unofficial "boycotts" being asked of you.

For example, following every ""boycott"" being asked of you 100% means: stopping use of any Google products (quitting a job that uses Google workspace, abandoning your Android phone, switching to Firefox or Safari web browser, not using Gmail, not using YouTube), stop using most/all social media, making entirely home cooked meals (every restaurant, even small ones, support Pepsi/coke), only being allowed to buy ingredients for those home cooked meals from physical, local small businesses (which may be wiped out in your area/take more gas to drive to/cost more money to buy from), and cross-checking every single item you buy with a giant list (that I hope you printed out, because chances are you can't use your phone/the internet without sending precious ad profit to Google!).

Telling someone to "do that much or do nothing" is going to result in the vast, vast majority of people doing nothing. Think about the every day people in your life–parents, coworkers, community members. Are they going to do that much? If the answer is no, then a boycott is ineffective. (Plus, doing a lot of that stops you from staying informed on the situation, which is top priority right now!)

Stick to spreading the image at the top of this post. The more people boycotting a small handful easy-to-remember companies, the more effective a boycott will be. A small amount of companies will lose a lot of money, and will have to re-evaluate their stance to give money to Israel–the point of a boycott. But, if everyone only ends up boycotting a handful of completely different companies depending on what list they were given online, all of those companies only lose a little money and no impact is made at all.

TLDR: Feel free to personally abstain from whatever products/services you want, but spreading that they are part of the boycott if they AREN'T is harmful!