#me: oh no my dysphoria is not that bad. i'm fine most of the time.

[nyctophobia-au]

Where I've Been

Okay, so, 'sup babygrills. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post, but I feel like I should update followers on here as to where I've been because I haven't been active for, like, months.

If you don't care to read all of the stuff under the cut, that's fine. Here's my TL;DR: I've been having issues with mental illness, trauma, motivation, gender dysphoria (?), and have been busy with college and YouTube/social media stuff. However, luckily my HK special interest has returned and I plan on posting more often hopefully. (Mild cw for mental health mentions ig.)

Okay, so, to begin, I've been gone a lot due to responsibilities outside of making Nyctophobia content. So, up until recently, I've been working on graduating from college. I've been finishing up my final class this Summer, but last quarter in the Spring was really difficult for me time-wise and mental health-wise. I've had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety throughout my life, and being at college was torturous and sapped all of my energy. It did not help that, last quarter, I had to be there at the college for six hours of my day five days a week. It was not easy to make art for myself and my channel, much less for this blog.

Outside of college, and I've mentioned this before in passing, but I also make YouTube videos and, at the moment, YT is my income (alongside comms as well). I've been pretty focused on keeping my my schedule at least a little bit consistent, and that alone has been draining and tiring. It also affects the kind of art that I can create, as I have to draw certain things for certain videos. I've been really weary when it comes to making content as of late, and I really need to take a small break so that I can work on stuff I actually want to work on rather than being stuck drawing certain things for the sake of videos I'm not inspired to make.

Pivoting more into specifics about my mental health, I have been needing to see a therapist for a long while, but I haven't had the motivation or the funds to pursue that option up until recently. Hopefully, I will be attending therapy soon. Last year in, uhm, September I had a particularly bad mental health episode and I've come to realise that some events that happened during that time have left me with trauma that I'm still currently working past and healing from. I've had issues with self-harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-perception for a long time, but in the Spring they were stifling and impossible to ignore. Lately, they have been better, though. So, that's nice. There hasn't been just the usual stuff lately (oh no, that's be too easy), but I've gotten jumpscared with gender issues (hooray, my favourite /s) during this time, and am struggling with my self-perception regarding my gender up to current day. (Hi, I currently go by Rot or Sexy Fictional Bug Enthusiast and my pronouns are they/them, but they may very well be they/he soon). Also, I had a bad identity crisis a couple of months ago and had to do this whole rebrand thing that was a lot of work and it kinda sucked away a lot of energy and time.

On top of all of that, ya boy's special interest metre has been focused primarily on OC stuff and other things outside of HK. It's pretty well-known that I have autism and Hollow Knight is one of my special interests. I'm unsure how it works for most people, but my fixations tend to come in waves and fluctuate (though super special meaningful ones stick for a long time). So, like, I had this whole issue with my mind always being fixated more on things outside of HK. It's been my OCs for a few months, but alongside that, I also suddenly became enraptured by The Owl House and my Digimon special interest sleeper agent returned for a hot second there. As of recently, I've been interested in HK again, but have been afraid to start/work on projects related to my AU because of me having to work on OC content for my channel and also for my friends who are invested.

As of right now, I have some more time on my hands to make the content I want to make, and my HK fixation is back (thank fuck). I've generally been doing a bit better in the mental health arena, but I will also be taking some time off of YT and posting videos regularly in favour of focusing on making stuff I want to make. So, like, expect me to be more active here for some time. I might be finishing a fic in the next month (hopefully) as well, and I have some general comic and art ideas. I just want to draw Auric again, god dammit. My beloved. <3

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. Just figured I'd make a post about this for people who thought I died or something (and for the people who were once interested in my projects on here and are starving for content, lmao).

[gsirvitor]

To be trans just means to identify with the gender identity not associated most often with your sex. There is no need to transition to be trans. No one who actually has gender dysphoria can grow out of it. Anyone who “stops having gender dysphoria” simply never had it in the first place. No one under 18 can legally get GRS in the US. Puberty blockers aren’t a bad thing. Hormone blockers being used to preform chemical castration isn’t a valid reason to be against using them to treat gender dysphoria. No one is mutilating children, both because GRS is not used to treat children and GRS isn’t mutilation. Puberty blockers reduce the risk of suicide in trans kids. There no reason to ban their use in trans kids. Helping trans kids isn’t an “attack on children”. You’re fucking evil and your worldview is going to result in the completely preventable suicides of countless innocent children. People like you will be responsible for north deaths than the Nashville shooter ever could have been. I hope you get kidnapped, then raped and tortured. Something like having all your nails ripped out. Then all your fingers frozen/burned off. Then having all of your teeth ripped out while having each nerve pulled and poked. Maybe a little waterboarding. Someone like you who genuinely believes that causing kids to commit suicide is okay / wants to pass legislation that causes kids to commit suicide deserves nothing less.

Trans means across, beyond, through, on the other side of, to go beyond," meaning you cannot be Trans without going from one state to another, this means you cannot be Trans without going through a Transition.

I don't make the rules with language, I simply enforce them.

Eleven studies have been conducted looking at whether gender dysphoria persists throughout childhood. On average 80-94% of children grow out of their Dysphoria and do not continue into adulthood believing they were born into the wrong body.

Claiming they never had Dysphoria because them growing out of it goes against your narrative doesn't prove they never had it, it only proves you're desperate enough to slander children.

No, many children in the US have gotten surgery to lop off their breasts, or have been given puberty blockers and so on.

In fact the Boston children's hospital has been attacked over their willingness to perform these surgeries on children, just because Right wing states are just now banning this does not mean it didn't happen.

Anything used to chemically castrate prisoners should go nowhere near a child.

If you're digging a cavity in your crotch and lining it with stomach lining to mimic a vagina, I'm sorry, that's not a vagina, that's a wound trying to close, stop dilating and accept you've irreversibly mutilated yourself, let the wound heal.

Actually, suicide rates neither drop or rise before or after the use of puberty blockers, it's a steady 41-52% suicide rate regardless of what we do, so I'll not be pressured into letting you have access to children over the hollow threat of suicide.

There's every reason to ban the use of these drugs, one, it'll allow children to develop normally.

Well, since children can't be Trans, then yes, trying to Trans them is an attack on them.

My worldview has been the same one that has helped children lead normal and healthy lives, time tested too, strange that the supposed epidemic of mass suicide never became a threat until your ideological movement wanted access to kids.

Oh no, I'm gonna be responsible for every Trans suicide going forward? That's fine, if you want to blame me go ahead, I'll still sleep quite soundly.

And there you go, all the goodwill out the window, I would never wish rape, torture and death upon anyone, you're mentally ill, get some professional help.

[solradguy]

I have a headache and today's been stressful so I'm going to say something true and beautiful.

Kinnie meme. Template at the end since the source blog deleted. This is a long post.

1). What is your fictotype? Are you a specific character, a nonhuman species, or both?

You know.

2). Do you experience dysphoria? How so?

Not really. Sometimes I get embarrassed about being 'kin but I just suck it up and deal with it like I am right now.

3). Who are you open about it with?

Anyone that looks at my blog header and pinned post FAQ. I only really get open about it with a handful of very close friends though. And I guess anyone that reads this the whole way through.

4). Do you participate in the fandom of your source? How do you do so?

Damn, should've saved the "you know" for this one lol. I translate and scan books and have written a little fanfiction. Among other things...

5). Do you fictionflicker?

Had to search this so here's the definition for others: A Kintype that isn't permanent. It seems to "flicker" in and out of existence if you lose interest in that fandom.

Before Guilty Gear I probably did, but I had a hard time in general figuring myself out until relatively recently.

6). When did you realise you were fictionkin? How long have you been in the community.

It'll have been a year in late August. Some of my friends are fictionkin but I wouldn't say I really interact with the wider community at all.

7). What was your introduction to fictionkin?

Lmao... Probably seeing kids talk about it on DeviantArt back in '05 or '06. I've known about it for a long time. Though... I have to admit my views towards it back then used to be negative.... My second "introduction" was in the end of last year when I finally sat down and looked stuff up about it.

8). Are you similar to your fictotype in personality? How so?

That's how this all started. Friends kept making jokes about me being a Sol kinnie even though I was like this BEFORE Guilty Gear and eventually I just went and researched it and, well, here we are. People on sites I'm not open about this on have compared me to Sol before too and I just laugh about it. They don't know, but they know.

9). Are you similar to your fictotype in appearance? How so?

Not really. I guess we both have brown hair that wants to be vertical real bad and I've got a crazy shoulder/waist/hips ratio but that's about it. Oh, default expression like this -> T_T

10). Link to/tag your favourite fictionkin Tumblr.

No.

11). Have you ever met other fictionkin? In real life or online?

I've met therians and non-fiction otherkin in real life but have only seen other fictionkin online.

12). Have you ever met canonmates? In real life or online?

No.

13). Have you ever met doubles? In real life or online? How did it go?

Yeah, there are a few other Sols out there. It's gone fine, I don't really care about doubles and all that jazz and it didn't seem like they cared either. It'd be fun getting all the Sols together for a BBQ and shitty beer. We can play cornhole.

14). What are shifts like?

Bad. Makes me stay up late reblogging Jack-O' images :/

Jk lmao I ended up searching this term to make sure I was understanding it right because I was going to say "no" to this question but I guess I "dream shift" often and get "phantom shifts" (phantom limb sensations for non-human appendages) sometimes. For the phantom shifts it seems to be for wings the most frequently with claws and meat-tearing teeth less frequently.

The wing feeling is weird, I don't like it. It doesn't feel like the whole wing, just sort of where they would connect to my back but either the rest of the wing never existed or was never formed in a way that had nerve endings, or my brain forgot what the rest of the wing would be like. Usually I only get this feeling right after I wake up and it goes away quickly but sometimes it happens when I'm fully awake. The claws/teeth happen whenever.

I often wonder how related these feelings are to having synesthesia and being trans.

15). How do you deal with kin for fun?

I don't. It can be a little annoying sometimes when trying to find people or studies/essays that are serious about otherkinity, but more often than not the KFF people are just teens goofin off. I don't care. They are, as the name suggests, just doing it for fun and exploring their identities through characters they relate to. Introspection is always good.

16). What are your thoughts on symbols, flags, etc.?

Indifferent. The 7-pointed star's pretty neat though.

17). Does fictionkinity connect to spirituality for you?

No.

18). Does fictionkinity connect to neurodivergence for you?

It seems so. Like I said in one of the above questions, I used to have a hard time figuring myself out and when I was young I'd try to see things through the lens of a character that I related to. This likely wasn't otherkinity, but I think it maybe evolved into it. There weren't many masculine 6'5" women for me to relate to as a kid, I didn't know how I was supposed to be and gender didn't make any sense. There's definitely a relationship between being trans and otherkin for me.

19). Do other people notice your similarity to a character or species?

It seems so.

20). How do you express your fictotype? Clothes, merch, cosplay, maybe even name?

21). What's something about the fictionkind community you wish was different?

Don't see many essays and stuff from fictionkin as I do from other kinds of 'kin, which is a shame. It's probably because the rest of the otherkin community and the internet in general are unkind towards fictionkin.

22). What's something about the fictionkind community that you appreciate?

Someone's gonna laugh and say I'm just not seeing it, but if there's drama in the GG fictionkind community it never makes its way onto my feed. Hope it stays that way. Leave me out of it.

23). How do you approach consuming your source? Analytically, obsessively, casually, reluctantly, etc...

I bite a hole in the bottom of it and chug the whole thing like a beer can.

24). What's the worst anti-fickin take you've seen?

The most common one because it's annoying: "You're not actually a fictional character." No shit.

25). What's the best anti-fickin take you've seen? Respond to it.

That even if it really is only a passing phase, or that it turns out someone actually isn't 'kin of what they thought they were, that they still learned something about themselves.

26). What are some songs that remind you of your fictotype or source?

I've been working on a playlist that I wanna copy onto cassette but it's still 30 minutes short (needs to be 90 to fill the tape). Here are three songs from it:

I Will Find You - Whitechapel

Summit of Dragons - Sold Soul

Imaginary Fire - Carpenter Brut

27). What are some other characters/species that remind you of your fictotype?

The other day I compared Sol to an Italian mastiff. Dragons, obviously. Ifrit from FFXVI and Dante's Sin Devil Trigger from DMC5 share a vibe with his Dragon Install too.

28). Do you have a favourite piece of fanart?

Every Sol that Ume, Sutegoro, Hungry Clicker, and Nainsoo draw is golden.

29). Do you have activities that connect you to your source? (Food, hobbies, interests, etc.)

I spent 6 months working on a 3D printer to make a 1:1 scale Outrage MK.II, code, and have six Queen records. What else is there.

30). Talk about what it's like to be your fictotype.

I don't know. Some things make more sense, some things don't. It doesn't bother me as much as it did at first but finally having an explanation for what my brain is doing—and that it happens to other adults too—has been comforting. Though, I suppose it's on-theme for Sol to have complex identity feelings and a struggle to accept them.

---

1). What is your fictotype? Are you a specific character, a nonhuman species, or both?

2). Do you experience dysphoria? How so?

3). Who are you open about it with?

4). Do you participate in the fandom of your source? How do you do so?

5). Do you fictionflicker?

6). When did you realise you were fictionkin? How long have you been in the community.

7). What was your introduction to fictionkin?

8). Are you similar to your fictotype in personality? How so?

9). Are you similar to your fictotype in appearance? How so?

10). Link to/tag your favourite fictionkin Tumblr.

11). Have you ever met other fictionkin? In real life or online?

12). Have you ever met canonmates? In real life or online?

13). Have you ever met doubles? In real life or online? How did it go?

14). What are shifts like?

15). How do you deal with kin for fun?

16). What are your thoughts on symbols, flags, etc.?

17). Does fictionkinity connect to spirituality for you?

18). Does fictionkinity connect to neurodivergence for you?

19). Do other people notice your similarity to a character or species?

20). How do you express your fictotype? Clothes, merch, cosplay, maybe even name?

21). What's something about the fictionkind community you wish was different?

22). What's something about the fictionkind community that you appreciate?

23). How do you approach consuming your source? Analytically, obsessively, casually, reluctantly, etc...

24). What's the worst anti-fickin take you've seen?

25). What's the best anti-fickin take you've seen? Respond to it.

26). What are some songs that remind you of your fictotype or source?

27). What are some other characters/species that remind you of your fictotype?

28). Do you have a favourite piece of fanart?

29). Do you have activities that connect you to your source? (Food, hobbies, interests, etc.)

30). Talk about what it's like to be your fictotype.

[ilaiyayaya]

Ew Ew Gross Don't Touch Me Ew

A lot of my friends throughout my whole life have been really into constantly making sexual jokes or comments, often literally bordering on, or even blatantly going past the line of sexual harassment. In a lot of cases more interactions than not would eventually devolve into something really disgusting and I've never really liked it, but for a long time (and even now to a much smaller extent) I kinda just dealt with it and felt like it was just me being too sensitive (which as a side note, the thought of yourself being overly sensitive is pretty much always a bad line of thought in my opinion, everyone has different levels of sensitivity to different subjects and that's perfectly normal, you should never have to endure something just because those around you have a higher tolerance to something than you). When I was in school especially, a lot of my friends' main form of comedy, or not even necessarily comedy, literally just typical interactions in some cases, would just be like, blatant sexual harassment, I don't even really feel comfortable listing many examples, but the number times that I had parts of my body grabbed for "jokes" is ridiculous. "Oh but like it's fine because we're all friends and also all guys and therefore it's all fine and cool and not possible to be harassment and you're the weird one for feeling uncomfortable when someone makes a joke about sexually assaulting someone else". Even now a lot of my friends' sense of humor is just like, making really unfunny penis jokes, and it's definitely not anywhere near the degree of what some of the people I knew in school were like, but like it still 100% makes me super uncomfortable and I pretty much never say anything about it, I think I've literally just become hypersensitized to this stuff from being exposed to so much of it growing up. It's especially bad for me because I'm nonbinary, and I've have pretty bad dysphoria for a really long time, and constantly having my body grabbed or touch by people around me that think it's funny feels pretty fucking shit. Most of the people that I knew from school that did the worst of it I haven't talked to since graduating and I have no plans to talk to them again, I still have a few friends from school that I talk to, and they still do the same shit, albeit to a significantly toned down degree, less actual touching and more just saying the word "penis" and hoping someone laughs. Ooh ooh, one particular example that I just really want to get off my chest is something that happened at my high-school graduation, I graduated during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic and so it had been the first time I had seen most of my classmates in nearly 2 years. There was one person in particular that was one of the worst in regards to the sexual stuff in the years prior, and immediately after seeing this person for the first time in years, someone that I was not really close to at all, and was only really friends with by proxy, they walk up to me, grab my hands, and my hair and say "wow your skin is so smooth, your hair is so soft!" (for context, I had grown out my hair significantly and had lost a lot of weight, this was also during the middle of my NEET period), which on it's own is technically a compliment, and a really nice one to be fair, but coming from this particular person, I could not describe the levels of disgust and discomfort I felt in that moment. Like this was literally the first interaction I'd had with this person in 2 years and like before even saying hi they just grab me without even asking like wtf.

I'm not disgusted with like, absolutely anything sexual, it's mostly just like, comments directed at me, or like, really gross jokes (especially when they're also not funny). It's not even an issue of not being desensitized, it moreso just stems from more deep-rooted issues, but like, people around me constantly prodding at those issues gets extremely frustrating.

This one took like, way too long to physically write, I started the first draft of this like 2 days ago, which is mostly because this was really hard to write without pissing myself off thinking about it. The first draft of this was like, way more rage-filled like I needed to chill out 4 reel. It's also because I'm way too overly self-conscious which makes it really hard to consistently write these on any kind of regular basis, which hopefully will become less of an issue over time. A big part of why I'm writing these is to overcome that extreme self-consciousness and have a place to openly vent about this kind of stuff while not allowing myself to worry about who sees it and what consequences that may bring, it's why these are public and not just private posts that only I can read. But yea if I go like a decent period of time without writing one of these, even as much as like 2 or 3 weeks, it's probably not because I've given up on it, but more likely because I just can't confidently post anything at the time for whatever reason, I pretty frequently go through depressive phases and the last few weeks have been one of those, and that definitely gets in the way of writing. I am going to keep writing these for as long as I feel doing so is helping me, even if I have to force myself to do it, but please understand if I ever go silent for a while (I know nobody else really reads these except me, which tbh is kinda good because it'd be even harder if I knew a bunch of people were looking at them, but this is mostly just a note to myself that it's fine if I go a while without posting anything, and that I don't have to full give up just because I failed to consistently post for a few weeks, which I have a really bad habit of doing with a lot of things).

[tearlessrain]

god i'm so fucking stupid i never knew that for top surgery they take the nips off and put them on later i just thought it was goodbye tits goodbye nips goodbye everything look at my flat chest yo

So the funny thing is that is an option you can choose to go with, there are multiple different types of top surgery and different ones work better for different people/situations. there are people who decide to yeet the nipples entirely and either roll with that or get nipples tattooed on later, depending on aesthetic preference.

at the other end of the spectrum, if you start out with small breasts and nipples that are naturally situated kind of high up, you can go with something called keyhole surgery, which only involves one small incision under the nipple to remove unwanted fat/breast tissue. there's also buttonhole which is similar to double incision but the nipple stays partly attached the whole time and the nerve is never severed. both of these options tend to wind up with the most "natural" looking nipples.

I had slightly too much boob for those options (and the fact that I'm built like an italian greyhound and have very little muscle/body fat means that if anything had been off after surgery, you'd notice) so the type I had was one of the most common, which is a double incision with nipple grafts. which basically means they remove the nipples entirely and... idk, put them somewhere for safekeeping I assume, then make an incision just below the pectoral to remove excess tissue and skin as needed to get the right shape (additional fun fact, my surgeon is also a literal sculptor with clay, which he partly does to study the human form to be better at the cosmetic side of gender affirming surgeries, super cool guy would highly recommend him, can't imagine what it's like to have that much of a grip). after that the nipples are reattached via grafts in a spot that's more consistent with a cis male chest. so they're still the same nipples, just moved to a new spot.

there are some downsides to this method, the main ones being that the nerves have to be severed to fully detach the nipples so it's common to either lose sensation in your nipples entirely, or have it come back kinda wrong (TMI but it was the latter for me, it's been a couple years and I've almost entirely regained feeling in my chest, but my nipples go back and forth between "exactly the same as the rest of my chest" and "oh no bad don't touch" depending on, as far as I can tell, their own whims and nothing else, which I won't lie is definitely a bummer, just not nearly as much of a bummer as constant dysphoria). the other is that they don't look as natural as keyhole or buttonhole, hence my phantom of the opera comment on that post. I've seen results that came out better than mine, but mine have a lot of scarring and one of them like. lost half its color for some reason. they look fine at a reasonable distance but if you get up close you can very much tell that something Happened there. which is honestly kind of odd because my incision scars healed ridiculously well.

anyway sorry for infodumping but yeah you can totally get top surgery and still have nipples in at least some capacity.

[dusktarot]

having transgender feelings..... and others....

its great being around trans ppl all the time and it being just normal in spaces i'm in, but going back out into the world and being reminded that i'm just a cis woman to anyone looking at me... i look like i fit fine into that comfortable little Gender Box and nobody would ever question that.

my dysphoria asks for smth kind of impossible, a balancing act, even something a little inhuman, but even if i took what steps i can (as in hrt. basically) i would be both unsafe and still not perceived as i am because i cant just. beam shit into ppls brains

and i just say "well, i can live with it." and "oh, maybe i just feel this way because of one of my special interest things, that's no basis for this kind of decision" but what the fuck else do i have for a self? what other kind of things could i do to have that control, to break out of that uncomfortable box? what the fuck can i do? i've been telling myself "i can live with it" with regard to my mental health for over a decade now. is it true? i'm tempted to say no, but what do i know? i've been proving it. it sucks ass, but i'm living with it.

i don't have a nice, neat story of discovery-- i sort of always knew, i sort of only found out when i found out about trans people. child me would probably have agreed that i was a girl, but mostly because this is just one of those things i had to learn.

i feel like my story is pedestrian, like my experiences aren't meant to carry weight with others. i'm just another nonbinary person and i'm not brave for being visible. i'm just another one of those people with pronouns rejecting my agab. i shouldn't be scared! i shouldnt be depressed so much because isnt my dysphoria just another one of those whims? it isnt something that's been crushing me since i was young, it isnt something i need to fix immediately.

i dont know. none of my feelings are strong enough. i've been depressed for so long, and i'm not dead yet. obviously, since i can stave it off, it's really not so severe. i can get out of bed most days, so it's not so bad. i can laugh and enjoy myself. it's only once in a while i feel terrible.

i started talking about transness, now i'm on mental health, but i suppose its all intertwined.

and, of course, i get all my happiness from fictional characters and not even my own, so i'm just one of those tumblr losers that obsesses over characters, and i dont like the cool deep stories. so none of that's a beautiful message that anyone wants to listen to. i'm not an artist, i just draw.

this got away from me. i'm sorry. i just need the possibility of someone understanding.

[icecreamsocialanxiety]

Abysmal Compulsion

(T-Rated)

An open ended Habismal fic centered about being ace, trans and neurodivergent. Specifically OCD. This is a very personal fic I've decided to share.

I mostly wrote this for myself but, if you like aroace autistic Habismal, give it a whirl. ^^

Be mindful of the TWs, these are some heavier topics than what I usually write. Enjoy.

-

There is a certain loneliness, isolation that many people feel. Some much more unique than others, especially when you are queer. Or “unconventionally” yourself.

We all either repress, unrecognize, or dolefully acknowledge our trauma.

What else can be done about it?

Especially when in a place where you have everything you want? With a person, the loved ones you cherish most, or simply the ideal life you’ve craved since the beginning?

Why does it still feel like you haven’t earned it sometimes? What is the point of the earning?

Is a heart-to-heart all it takes, sometimes? Do you deserve this? Is it so bad to do this for yourself? Why do you despise yourself like this still? Didn’t you already apologize?

…

Maybe, just maybe it’s part of what healing is.

That is a conversation meant for the ones you trust most.

For Boris, that is his best friend, his lover, his one and only Kamal.

-

"Baby, are you nervous...?"

. . .

Oh dear.

What happened? Can't he just talk about being shirtless without it feeling...terrible?

It's supposed to be normal! You know he doesn't think of you in that way...despite your clear insecurity.

You're worse than you thought.

This lighthearted pillow talk is shifting to reluctant reflection and dread quite quickly.

"Is this uncomfortable? What's going on...?"

"Kamal. I....um....you know how I struggle with looking at my body at times, right? It used to be my chest before I got surgery. How hard it was to breathe, before.

But uh…

Ugh, here I go again. Sometimes, I really hate how big my stomach's gotten. I hate being so huge at times, in a world that isn't always built for me."

...

"Ohh, no, no...baby, no. It'll be ok. It seems unrealistic now, but…you know."

...

"Since I'm so different…You, nor I, have that... ‘urge’ everyone else says they have...the talks that make me feel disgusting...It's made it easy to hate my body even more. Maybe I just…don't like having a body at all.

It's too likely, that I'm only ever seen for what's underneath by default in this version of the world. That updates slower than dial-up. UGH.

Well, it’s certainly a closeted trans experience, even without the dysphoria.

But I NEVER want to be seen for my figure.

Not ever like that. I just want to exist, without strangers judging me at the beach or something, wondering what this tattoo over my scars are for.

In this world we’ve created Kamal, for each other, we are safe, but….but..

Nobody wants to look at me, for me. Nobody thinks I'm "attractive" in general, approachable.

So I’m not even ‘palatable’ to begin with…so why would they even think of being my friend, an associate? And I--I---"

Kamal takes his hand. Habit finally caught his breath. Took a deep breath in.

"Oh...Boris. Boris..."

"People I will never understand, people who won't ever accept me as their equal, violate me with their eyes...

This world is so violating, objectifying."

...

"Boris...I-It can't be because everyone's acting like a bunch of hound dogs. Nobody should be seeing random dudes on the street for their body. That’s just pathetic. It’s sick nasty. That "construct" is so normalized, for sure.

I hate it a lot too…It's so gross, so god awful for people like us who want none of that. Who just plainly don't want to hear about it…

Just like, what makes anyone think that's okay?

And they think we should “change” for being PRUDE or whatever, or go WAY out of our comfort zone where we don’t need to be.

Body expression is fine, yeah. People deserve that right. But its not for me.

It feels like every other person stares at me, for how flat and scrawny I am when SOMEHOW I don’t pass to them…that hasn’t really happened to me for a long while. But people would see my ‘hippie’ hairstyle and with the most horrified face go "YOU’RE A MAN”?

Like, to hell with that. My voice dysphoria still makes me feel gross about myself, even when I pass.

…

Like...I'm scared.

I can get really scared when you're not with me. I really despise this country's regressing patriarchy, especially with its disgusting gun laws.

By myself, I don't look like much. If my voice was higher like it used to be, I'd probably be the target for unsuspecting pervs, or transphobes, more often…Everyone sees right through me, or something.

I understand that so much. Like some CREEP is—is…UGH! Violating me! With their eyes!

Thinking "is that person flat chested" or something transphobic like that?! They don't say it but I KNOW their eyes are darting about!

Why does my BODY matter to anyone that isn't ME or a pediatrician?

And, and…I always think I come off as ‘an easy mark’ and nothin’ else—”

!!!

"Kamal, n-no, no....don't make me worry for you like this...I-I...I'm scared..."

"AH!! No, Boris I'm sorry....I thought we were airing out gross laundry now, um! Guh, that probably was a lot to take in—God, I’m selfish sometimes…"

"No, no. Kamal….please, you know that’s okay. I'm scared for you. Look at me. I had no idea you felt this pain so strongly, too. Oh, my dear."

"....?!"

. . .

"...Listen. Please come over here. Can you hold me? Please, hold me tight? Comfort me, comfort you? Is that okay?"

"O-Oh...okay! Yes...yes. If you wanna..."

. . .

(Habit sits on the clean carpeted floor to sit with him. Kamal snugly wraps his arms around Habit's waist for comfort. Kamal feels around the soft material on his back, the cotton shirt.

Boris is soothed now, with these familiar hands.)

“That’s better…Ah...”

He sighed out.

His boyfriend looks quite appeased with the circumstances, for sure.

. . .

…

"Kamal...I can always be here to protect you. If anyone hurts you, they will never be heard from again. I can make sure of it....obviously not in a violent way. I have other means that are much worse than that."

An oddly vengeful, yet sweet man. At least he means well.

"Bah---Uh, I got that babe. You don't need to tamper your already preceding reputation more now, hah."

...

"I wasn't that serious, aha.

J-Just....please, don't think you can only be frightened on the street, vulnerable to...what was it...dogs with horns…No, horn dogs? Right? T…That's the western lingo for offending---"

"Y-Yeah."

Kamal interrupts him quick, the mere mention of that infamous misinterpreted term making them both feel gross and awful.

Many have used that term ironically to the point where its original meaning is barely taken seriously. Like excessive vulgarity is mandatory or something.

It's your life, but don't expect everyone to be open to that kind of talk.

…

"Hah….Okay. I got that.

I’m here to help you feel safe, in the same way you have for me. I’ve wanted to be here for you so long, too. You deserve a shoulder to lean on, a someone to hug.”

...

He clutches Boris’ chest close. It’s so simple, what one can want sometimes. He loves these forthright, affectionate gestures.

And…Kamal really wanted to hear that.

...

"Nngh…Kamal...when I say I'm yours....you like it, do you not? I worry if it's obsessive."

"It doesn’t come off as that for me, babe. You're good. As long as you're okay with being mine..."

…

Habit has always craved this. Being wanted or needed like this.

He wanted to be loved by everybody, but…wants to be Kamal’s, more than anything in the world.

He wants to return the gentle affection Kamal has provided him tenfold...

Is it merely a constant need for affirmation? Maybe it is more than that.

Maybe he does want everyone’s approval, adoration. Though, maybe not their undivided attention like what he has with Kamal. Kamal is very special to him.

Only Kamal can be aware of the entirety of his hardships. Only he gets it.

Only he could stand to be around him after all those misdeeds.

....

The mere idea of Kamal was the only thing he wanted to live for at one point.

The fact that he exists, treated him in such a way of equity he could never experience before; he doesn’t want to know what would’ve happened without him.

He wouldn’t be in a happy place, for sure.

Many of us, in the endless fog of depression feel like this.

And especially Boris.

Is it wrong? Do we not deserve the general scope of platonic love? The kindness of strangers?

Are we the bad guys here? Why are we flooded with terrible thoughts we would never act upon?

Why does it hurt? Why can’t I be dependent without the guilt?

Why, oh why?

He feels pathetic.

But...it's okay to depend on your partner. As long as they set any boundaries.

You should feel safe. It's a choice you made to dedicate your time to someone.

Kamal wants you. He wants to be with you, always. Always. You're his.

Sometimes, being with Kamal is still the only this that matters. Boris keeps replacing his traumatic thoughts with Kamal's words...

…

"YES...o-oh my goodness. Please—Augh, I have a problem..."

"Wha? No you don't."

"But it feels like I do. I've craved the peaceful days for so many years. Being yours…I feel like finally accomplished something. Like I actually belong. I did something right, for once. Right by you…I mean, I’m a long ways from owning a future florist shop of my own…sigh…so far away. But this, right now. This is what I have. It’s beautiful. It was my choice, and I don’t have to feel disgusting.

I've wanted you to move in so long, but still...I'm scared that I'm disappointing you. Like I’m supposed to feel bad about depending on you. That somehow, all I can give isn’t enough. Even though you said that isn’t the case. From an early age, I was conditioned to be like this. I’ve been nothing but a general burden, I thought.

Burdening you with all of my sentiment. That it's all for nothing.

I'm paranoid for no reason, but it's so weird, because you're the only one in the world I trust like this...You’re the only one who could forgive me as if I actually deserved it. It still leaves me in shock."

Kamal looks solemnly in his eyes, knowing his paranoia isn’t all for naught.

See how much these two have balanced each other? What a little positive reinforcement from an outsider has done to help a couple of miserable, disheleved lugs like Boris and Kamal?

Kamal has taken hold of his logical side, reframed his anxiety so much better these days. All because of how softies like Habit changed his way of thinking.

He’s never once thought that being a “sap” was something to be ashamed of. His mother made sure of that, even unintentionally. To never truly put someone down for meaning well at heart.

Flower Kid helped him elicit the realization. Habit brought Kamal to them. To a simple, kind soul that helped them remember what was important in the first place.

Kamal realized just how serious he was about Boris. That his will could never, ever abandon him, when it actually came down to it. After so many years of thinking Habit’s trauma couldn’t possibly put a dent in their friendship. Convinced that Habit pushed him away because he suddenly, unclearly, hated him. Kamal tried to feed in to that narrative sometimes, in some messed up way of coping, even though he understood Boris in a way no one else could.

Stuck in the soup of fog for so long, and the most important person in the world to him having a declining mental state he couldn’t possibly get him out of alone, from the built up conflict…Habit’s cry for help came almost too late. Flower Kid couldn’t have arrived at a better time.

But the pair continues to aid one another, be there for each other.

Boris’ humble, eloquent nature has that effect, eventually bringing out that side to Kamal that he always had…

In a continuously budding romance they could always nurture.

It continues to bear many, many blossoms. Where to even start, amidst the wonder?

Amidst the pain?

What should you say to him right now, in this moment?

“Well…Boris…did you consider…how much I want you to lean on me? To be relied on?”

Boris seems to be stunned by the commendation.

. . .

"I-I mean, y’know. That’s rhetorical, maybe. Where...how has this starting bothering you so bad, recently?"

As ridiculous as it sounds in every waking moment, this one especially…reframe your thoughts. Copy him…he’s the smarter one, isn’t he? This is dire. The world usually makes sense when you follow him. Dig up your voice again, where did you put it last? Okay. There. Say what you really mean.

"....It's irrational, more often than not intrusive...but...I'm afraid...that um...the moment I take my shirt off, it would mean I'm obligated to...be vulgar. I hate being vulnerable like that. You know?? Even when it's not it at all, when it never has to be that way. That I'm not enough for anyone. Maybe…I don’t really hate how I look, I hate what people could say when they look at me in general. That’s the reason I got myself a hot tub in the first place…so I wouldn’t have to be around strangers. Only ever for what I need.

…

I'm mortified, terror-struck. I convinced myself that I'm not pretty enough for you. That you only wanted me for my looks in the first place. Which I don't know how, that’s weird considering how...that's your biggest fear in relationships, too...But I lost hope anyone would find my face pretty."

"Well...you still don't want to do that, yeah?"

"I never want to. Cat-callers disgust me most of all, before and after my top surgery."

They’re often, always on the same page. But especially about this.

Serendipity seems to link them together in the first place.

…

"Yeah. Then it's your own trauma speaking...I know that one for sure. I’m so sorry…that sounds so gross to have to remember. I mean, I was bullied and sometimes catcalled like that, even in places where I thought I did belong, but not to your extreme.

I mean, if you stuck with a moper like me for this long, maybe...well. You'd have to like me for more than my face, my looks. And my lips, hehe..."

"A-Ah. You're right about that."

....

"Every now and then Kamal...tell me I deserve you. Tell me you love me...that my body, my face isn't ugly...that it’s normal…

M-Maybe...er…bring your attention to my midriff. When I tell you to?"

"Oh---oh wow. Boris...you know I'd love to. Anything you want. I want you to be comfortable, y'know. Safe and warm. Like you've belonged the whole time. That's all I've wanted to be, for you."

...

"Do...you think of my midriff...a lot?"

"U…Uhh. I mean, it's there, Boris. What do you mean? What do ya expect me to say...??” >_>

Ah, maybe that’s a little off topic.

"Nothing, it's okay. Just...do like being really close to my chest? You're comfortable? It doesn't make you feel weird?"

It hit him...Kamal understands better now. It's tactile.

"Ohhh...you mean when we cuddle up...yeah. I, um...really like how soft you are. Ummm…hehee.

It's just, my whole thing with toplessness stems from hating what people look like half nude.

…

It just scares me sometimes. Being in a lockeroom where there’s women and feeling like sorest thumb on the planet. An alien. Haven’t been in a locker room at all since my early 20s.

Not only that, I’m just—UGH. Even Cable TV is getting more…explicit these days. You get it. Grosses me right out.

I feel outnumbered, othered, you know? It’s…(shiver)....weird. I’ve wondered about it now and then. Nobody seems to accommodate us. Crudeness is so normal that no one thinks anyone hates it. Self-Expression, body confidence is important, for queer peeps of course. Especially. But it doesn’t always have to put in that light."

Habit has a little smile as he nods. Boris very much likes being that place of comfort for him.

"Ah, I see..."

"Before we started going out…Did you...think I disliked how you looked because you're fat?"

....

A shameful, sad expression appears on his reddened face as he nods at Kamal. In a "Come on, he already is your boyfriend! Why would you be afraid of that?" kind of way.

“In general, I just thought I was too ugly and monstrous in size to ever stand a chance. L-Like, as any man’s man. But…that certainly was a part of it.”

"Bory....hey...is it like how I internalized feeling ashamed about my flat chest my whole life?"

...

"Yes, actually. We...we've been bodyshamed for things we can't control...prejudiced unnecessarily...."

…

“(Sigh)....Yeah. That sounds about right. It’s crappy. Society adapts slower than dial-up. Bums me out all the time, how the world is like that. It’s like you said. ‘No one should feel bad for literally being born.’ That stuck with me.”

…

“I-I…said that?”

“Awha, yeah. You sure did, baby.”

“Maybe I was smarter back then.”

“Nooo, no! You’ve always been the cunning sort. I mean, take my pa for example! My dad’s an air head sometimes….sorry uh–I mean. That came out wrong. He’s not that dense. But I mean uh—AHEM.

Everyone can say smart things when they really believe in it, is what I’m saying.”

…

“Then…I really am a different person when I’m in a good mood, huh…”

“Oh…well um. Maybe? I think you just forgot. Then again, so much has happened for you at home that I couldn’t…help with.”

“...Mmhm. I just…I wonder how you even would like someone like me. How you ever thought I was approachable was beyond me.”

…

Kamal feels like he should lighten the mood. Maybe flirt a little. He deserves some more attention right now.

…

"Well um...I do like big, burly guys. Aesthetically, for sure. I dunno, maybe my type is someone who can carry me like I don't weigh anything. They sure can cuddle good." 💙

“E-Ehm…?”

Kamal winked when he said that last part, a charming little grin flashing at him. Kamal closes up the space between them, and Boris seems woozy and exhilarated…

"It's that sweet ol’ face I love, though. Your big ol' glimmery eyes. That gorgeous mane of curly red hair. You embrace effeminate things in I way I never want to. I think it's....phenomenal, how different you are. You're unique, drop dead gorgeous, and you're a big softhearted dude. The whole package."

....!

Oh, he is undeniably infatuated by that man.

(One of the many things Kamal is good at is pacifying him with that mellow tone. Over and over.)

"EEEEP....!! OK-EIGH!!!....I GET IT, I’M CUTE!!!" >X–0

"Awww, baby...! Ahaha..."

…

(sniff)...

No…Kamal realizes he’s still down in the dumps. Touched by the sweetness and adulation from Kamal…though, it pangs in his heart still. Bitter memories one cannot recover from in just one hour. Not for months from now. Who knows.

"Sorry. I know you can cheer me up with that usually. And I love it. I love you for that.

It's just...it hurts so much, my childhood. The more time I spent with you...the more terrible the memories of my father's abuse seemed to get…my weight being a sick joke to him…”

Anguish gushes out from his throat.

“How many times a week he called me ugly and made fun of me simply for being fat. How no one could take a face like my seriously, HA.

Nothing but a selfish ugly flowery “brat”. And let's not forget how he rubbed it in, how he misgendered me...HILARIOUS. How he thought a man, a clone of himself, someone supposed to be his child; could fall prey to his misogyny like that. All that got him was rotting more behind bars, that screwed-up roughneck."

. . .

"Ohh, Boris...c'mere, c-can I...lay here?"

Kamal presses his hands to Habit's abdomen.

…!!

"Yes, yes...oh my...please. I want you to be clingy with me, okay? Give me everything you've got. I don't want to be let go yet..."

...

Smooth like silk, Kamal nods, steadily and slow. Laying over the larger man now, rising up and down with his diaphragm. Boris covers his widespread grin in a coy manner. He loves when Kamal blankets him like this. What a wonderful thing.

"Ohhhh. Th-Thank you. I...I think I need this right now. Very much.”

...

“Boris...When I said I was afraid of commitment...I think I just meant....I was afraid of the expectation of "doing something", with someone. I could be seen as only an easy mark, desperate to be loved.

I....I never have to worry with you. I might be totally safe here, now. Nothing hurts me in this moment in time.

You want the same things I do in a relationship. Never going too far for ourselves. You're just like me in that way. I cherish that ideal.

And....I think you like my body in a way I can understand. That I love. You love me for me."

…

Boris is on cloud nine.

"I-I, Heheh----think you might be right about it. That is how I feel.

...

You're safe here, darling…you don't have to do any grand gestures unless you truly, truly want to.

Simple things like this…it's all I could ever want.

I am satisfied with everything you give to me."

His words ring so profoundly to Kamal.

…

"O-Oh my god. Thank you for your love, Boris.

I…I'm really head over heels for you."

"A-Ahaaa? You….you're very welcome. Y-Yes. The feeling is…quite mutual. Words will never encompass what you truly are to me."

"Good…that means it's never-ending. Infinite. Our love is like space."

(Kamal, you really can be whimsical, you know.)

"Just like Bowie?"

"Ehee…like Bowie."

. . .

"I love you, Kamal."

"Love you too. Times infinity."

"Beautiful, darling."

....

"Bory...?"

"Yes, lovey?"

"...I like your belly. A lot. Um...I think it's very soft, to hold. It’s…pretty. Really, really, pretty. Exactly like the rest of you. I-Is that...odd to say?"

. . .

"Noooo...."

"Y-You’re okay with that? Then...hehe...that's good to hear. If I had to choose, in spite of the contrary belief…I suppose I like your belly the most. You know what I mean when I say it.

H-Heheh…"

(Boris doesn’t even feel like sobbing anymore. He’s so used to his love by now.

Beautiful. Wonderful.)

“I-I…love that. Thank you.”

. . .

Don't ever stop your doting, Kamal. When you rest here, beside me, close to me....

I feel like the tidal waves ensured by the moon. I am safe here, without fear.

I’ve always been.

I know you feel it too.

[fairymint]

10 thru 15!

Are there any fandom(s) you avoid roleplaying in?

not overtly? this question to me implies a 'rotten egg' fandom, but I avoid muns more than series; bullies that lash out consistently, bigots, and apologists all share the 'don't step on my eggshells!!!!' hypocrisy when met with criticism- it doesn't matter how well behaved I am when explaining.

Antisemitism is the biggest No, however. My tastes have honestly outgrown anything written by an antisemite, and come to think of it, sexist/transphobic tropes. There's media I won't engage with of course, no more no less.

What made you start wanting to roleplay?

Last go around an RP group caught the attention of my favourite deviantartist...or maybe a member invited me? That was back in 2010, and pkmn-crossing was all anthros in a chatroom.

This time around I found the RP community through a friend (that wrote cheren), and just kinda....started messing with lysandres. The popular demand and attention was high, so my personal got remade into an RP blog after I got overwhelmed, aha. So, making people laugh? I've never intended for Felix or I to improve or develop, actually, but I'm glad that i have.

RPing is the most time-friendly hobby that I have- I can get satisfied or something 'done' in mere minutes where I often avoid doing tasks before work; compared to flipping on a video game where i need hours. So, it's addictive in that sense where the commitment isn't high-stakes; if i get distracted for 5 minutes it's fine!

Are there any characters you’re interested in wanting to roleplay as? 

hmmm as a general rule, I desire to play whoever the community needs, I'd love to play sb underrated- but largely speaking muses Come to Me- It's been years since I RPed a character On Purpose, and it was Colress for a lil while- before i ever played BW2 and apparently nailed his portrayal from wiki alone!

The other day I did express some mild interest in RPing as N. i think the plan for now is maybe trying to develop the new muses I already have; Rex, Cynthia, and Arven are big ones.

But, knowing me, I'm gonna end up with some new random-ass muse before i get anything new done. Cutting icons for Adaman is probably something I should consider committing to since his muse is kinda quiet, as well. some other asshole's gonna pop up though, I just know it.

Are you interested in creating an oc and roleplaying as them?

oh always; I have several OCs in line for making pokemon verses of, need to get their bios done. Rex, Cassi, and Amadeus are big players here; and Magnus has finally translated well to pokemon. I may make a grunt or admin/leader for my Alpha Wolves team; although being based on literal bigotry it might just be played for laughs w/ the grunt.

And of course, Felix's kids're kinda half-baked by default- specifying their lineage for threads always sounds fun.

What are your thoughts on duplicates?

Oh please, I adore duplicates completely! My ADHD brain craves not just the variety in general between headcanons, but the individual familiar vibes of each alt! I feel pretty much zero amount threatened; to tell the truth my own muses don't always behave in the way I'd 'expect' the character to, so it's entirely possible for a duplicate to have the headcanons closest to what I have- or something similar! And that type of metacognition makes me feel safer anyways; I'll read a line or see a canon detail and go 'oh people are definitely gonna interpret this as A or B' so the 'result' doesn't seem so scary, if that makes sense.

I barely can decide on headcanons to begin with anyways- I'm extremely openminded so long as things aren't too legitimately gross.

What’s your impression on blogs who are selective/private?

Well, generally speaking I just assume the person is shy, or has crippling social anxiety. my rejection sensitive dysphoria is really, really bad- I don't often seek out these kinds of blogs with high hopes and get flattered when i do get their attention!

but, and I hate to say it, that I do watch my mutuals like a hawk- before we ever had a checker, I would check. Breaking mutuals with me noticably is an unfollow, and if followbacks never happen, it's on borrowed time (usually a month or few.) This is really just because I don't have much brainspace in me for being a 'fan' for the time being; nobody is obligated to do anything for me, but I try to do my best to nurture and encourage my own wants and needs too so that I don't get frustrated and sink too far down with my mental health. I'm happy to help people, but the risk of making somebody uncomfortable is a worry, too. I rarely keep nonmutuals- and when I do it tends to be just to read their writing with little intent to send things in or like posts.

But, of course there's blogs here and there whose rules might piss me off (especially if it's oxymoronic to my own blog.), I roll my eyes and move on without following. I try not to dwell on it, figure that they'll learn in their own time, and also try to keep quiet as far as they're concerned and off their radar while simultaneously having fun as usual and making general presence for myself- I don't provide dash commentary for non-mutuals to avoid confusion and/or 'butting in' to conversations that aren't 'mine.' It's not my job to try to convince em. and if it happens, my work will show them and I needn't engage and make it a Thing.

I have points of selectivity myself, so in a general sense I do get it. though mine are generally exhaustion, fairness, and attitude based; I try to avoid situations where:

somebody is dependent on me for their mental health (this includes entertainment/boredom) especially in a time-sensitive way.

somebody will fight with me, because I don't hold back

somebody will hurt me or others and can't be talked down- either because they want to hurt, or don't want to listen/change.

but I've pretty much only blocked regular partners for barging angrily into my DMs without warning, harassing me for threads/voice calls (by asking excessively if i was in the mood for them at inappropriate times), and trying to justify calling Felix a 'trap' when politely asked not to (my transition was fresh and scary- was not in the mind for slurs at the time.) otherwise I try to be chill overall, aaaa.

[cozytree]

maybe,,,, just Maybe i should. tell my singing teacher i’m trans,,,,, so we can stop singing incredibly high-pitched dysphoria-inducing lil songs........ 

[polaraffect]

having trans emotions & feelings in this trans chili’s tonight

[quinn-in-hell]

Heartslabyul reacting to their s/o coming out as FTM

A/n: back to my silly gay antics and honestly, being back in writing feels good?? I forgot having people like your work felt like since i haven't felt it since like?? Freshman year of Highschool and I graduated in may. ANYWAYS, heartslabyul gays rejoice, I'm here to f e e d.

🌹Riddle Rosehearts🌹

He has most likely has never met or dated a trans person person before

Then again I don't think he's met a lot of people throughout his childhood

While he wouldn't understand your issues at first, he'll read up on it and try to understand your issues

Gets VERY worried when he reads about some of the more grim issues in the trans community

once he understands, he's by your side and supports you

he'll mess up with pronouns at first but he quickly corrects himself and works on getting your pronouns right ever time

it's off with your head to any one who dares misgenders you on purpose

you are his king and like him, you also deserve respect

he isn't going to let anyone disrespects his rose like that

♣️Trey Clover♣️

He supports you unconditionally

if you felt a bit nervous from coming out to him, he's here to comfort you

Amazing at comforting you during days your dysphoria is at it's worst

Bakes you some of your favorite treats during these days as he reassures you that you are a man, no matter what.

He doesn't tolerate transphobes

He isn't violent but if the transphobe is in heartslabyul

he's fine reporting it to Riddle, or putting laxitives in the transphobes food

but if you want to throw hands with them, Trey will turn a blind eye as you beat their ass

You might get scolded for beating up someone but he still loves you the same

♦️Cater Diamond♦️

Hella proud of you for coming out

He's seen some people, on magicam and in real life, come out and speak about how hard it is to come out

He's happy you feel safe enough to tell him about your identity

He will proudly show you off to everyone as his super cute boyfriend, on and offline.

Like the rest of the boys, he isn't ashamed to be with you.

Nothing in the world could change that.

If a transphobes starts picking at you, just like vil, Cater fucking ends their life on Magicam

They won't get away from the backlash now or ever

♥️Ace Trappola♥️

Is overall chill with it

"Oh, you're a guy? Cool, I got a boyfriend now."

This doesn't change the fact Ace will still tease you here and there

teasing is gender neutral

Sometimes messes up with pronouns but he gets better with time

if someone his transphobic to you, it's on S I G H T

Who tf do they think they are?

Yeah, it's a magic battle right there

even if he loses, he can still throw hands

♠️Deuce Spade♠️

A little confused at first but once you explain, he's very supportive

He takes a little to adjust to your pronouns but Ace has caught him practicing just to get it right

If you're having a bad dysporia day, he's there for you 110% percent!

Reassures you that you're just as much of a man as he is and while he may not understand your problems fully, he's always there to listen and support you

Another one to fight a transphobe

One of the few times he'll let his delinquent self slip out

He's going to protect your honor, even if you did say to not fight them

A/n: I finished this after waking up due to a nightmare that sparked a bit of anxiety in me to the point I can't sleep. Also there's supposed to be a cold front and some storms today and tomorrow, you really can't have shit in my state. Anyways hope you liked it! please note Ace and Deuce were written at 6 am so brrrrrrrrrrrr

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

hi there! i figured i would send you an ask since from browsing your blog, you seem to be a pretty cool person to talk to and rather knowledgeable.

i’ve been having this problem where i don’t really know what i’m experiencing — body dysphoria or gender dysphoria. i’ve been identifying as non-binary for several years, and although sometimes i don’t mind presenting/being perceived as my agab, i have days where if someone refers to me as it, i feel my skin crawl and honestly detest it. i also feel no connection to my agab and what i’m supposed to be like according to it, and i also don’t feel a strong connection to the “opposite” gender.

ive been fine with the nb label for a while. it felt like the right fit. i have some degree of dysphoria for sure and i’m in an awkward middle where neither of the binary genders feel right for me. but as i entered the bi/pan discourse space (as a bi person who doesn’t have a preference for either gender, and was fucking tired of pannies), i found a lot of battleaxe bis were also either opposed to nb ppl or said they didn’t get it. this got to me. i don’t want to hinder binary trans people because they already have it hard. but i don’t feel like i belong in this binary.

and it’s not some sort of like, hatred of cis people either. i don’t think cis people inherently suck or are inferior or anything. i wouldn’t hate myself if i were cis. i don’t want to be « special » by not being cis. i’d be fine with being cis if it felt right to say « i am [agab] » but most of the time it doesn’t.

is that gender dysphoria? or am i projecting something onto it? i can’t think of anything. i’m very happy with being bisexual and i have no problem with either binary trans people or cis people. i do have very strong body dysmorphia, though. i don’t know. i don’t want to be a nuisance to other trans people, too. i thought you could have helpful insight, and if not you, someone who follows you might.

have a great day, thank you for your time 💕

I'd definitely sit down and try to dissect where your feelings are coming from. Some questions to ask yourself:

-what stereotypes are tied to my agab?

-how much do I fit those stereotypes?

-what stereotypes are tied to the oppose gender as my agab? How much do I fit those?

-am I somewhere in the middle of those stereotypes?

-when someone refers to me as my agab on those days where my skin crawls, what was I doing? Was I dressed more feminine or masculine? Was it tied to something with stereotypes (Ex:"Oh you're good a sewing. You'll make a great wife one day." Or "I need a strong man to help me carry this")? Or was it just... No real pattern? They just referred to me as my agab and it made me feel bad.

-how do I feel about the physical sex characterists of my agab?

-lets image myself as the opposite gender... How does having those physical sex characterists sound?

-lets imagine myself as completely non binary physically. No sex characterists at all. None. Let's imagine myself going throughout my normal day. Thoughts? How about doing bedroom stuff (if you're into that)? Thoughts in that?

-if I had a button that would make me the opposite gender or 100% non binary but I had no control over how I looked (you could end up with any body shape, any health issue, any height, etc. Would I press it? How much thought would I need to put into deciding?

If you're issues fall more into line with the PHYSICAL characteristics of gender then I'd say I'd keep looking into your issue being a gender one. Especially with that last question. If you answered yes then you're probably on the right track with having gender dysphoria. But I'm not a therapist.

On the other hand. If your issues are more about gender stereotypes, then I'd say you're looking more towards body dysmorphia. With HEAVY influence from gender roles and stereotypes making you feel ashamed of who you are. But again, I'm not a therapist.

Unfortunately being gender non conforming comes with a lot of backlash. Especially in certain areas. It's tough. Especially when people expect and want you to act a certain way that's... Just not you. I'd suggest finding a good therapist (you might have to try a few if they aren't giving you what you need). And talk about how your feeling. Where the dysphoria/dysmorphia is stemming from. Is it the physical body or is it gender roles? That'll help point you in the right direction. From there, it's your personal journey of discovery. And I wish you luck on it.

[yanderememes]

Okay, here we go! Time to see who's ass is kidnapping mine (and no limits to a specific jjba part, it's all free game!)

I'm an infj, demigirl, panromantic asexual! 5'3 but I can throw hands if needed, although I'd prefer not to. My most noticeable physical traits are my incredibly colorful hair, and my fashion. I may be fairly rough and tumble, but I like looking more on the femme side! Like if you took a femme fatale and threw some e-girl in there for flavour. My fashion sense usually sticks me out like a sore thumbs, but if I'm traveling I make a point to mimic fashion trends in the area.

My signs are: Aquarius (sun), Cancer (moon), Capricorn (rising), and Aries (venus)! Oh, and Scorpio mars if that matters! Stubbornness runs in my family, and I'm easily the chaotic good gay cousin you can find in a family gathering.

I'm the mum/older sister-friend for most of my loved ones, but most people and strangers tend to be intimidated by me, my bluntness, and perceived reserved personality, so they tend to avoid me (which is understandable given I have like at least three knives on my person at all times.)

I'm passionate about a lot of things despite keeping them under wraps, but a few of my favorite things and activities are: the ocean, singing, birds of prey, romance-y type things, magic (I am a born and practicing witch, so supernatural experiences are not unusual to me) and exploring.

I hate spiders, anything involving medical needles, dishonesty, and unnecessary cruelty.

According to friends I'm fairly flirty but thats just how I talk with people I'm comfy with. I tend to adjust well to different social situations because I reflect other people's demeanors, but I don't hesitate to call people out on their bullshit even if I do it with a smile. I'm an total adrenaline junkie, but I also have social anxiety, depression, and PTSD(from a sexual assault, sadly).

So I have days where I can't really be touched but most of the time private cuddles and subtle physical touches are how I show trust and affection. My anxiety works pretty much as advertised, much it can easily be overridden by the Mom Friend Instinct. My depression is usually managed pretty well, but I can have serious RSD from my adhd (rejection sensitive dysphoria) which can send me spiraling from there. Speaking of the adhd, it doesn't really show unless you know me well, in which case it shows by:

I do the tangential ideas method of conversation to the irriation of many, I hyperfixate like a motherfucker (which means often I forget to take care of myself for hours or days on end) Executive dysfunction (really complicated but basically my brain literally stops me from doing certain things), and my need for specific types/combos of stimulation to be the most happy/productive

I have insomnia so I often don't sleep until like 6am, and I have a bad habit of sleeping only when my body decides it's had enough of my bullshit.

On the more spicy side of things, I'm a hardcore switch with an affinity for both overstimulation and edging, especially when paired with shibari and praise. As mentioned earlier, I'm asexual, but the high powers above decided to play a joke and not only make me ace, but make me have an absolutely raging libido and *then* give me genophobia from my ptsd ;-;

Dealing with more yandere themes, I'm incredibly paranoid and and easily socially spooked. I know how to use my surroundings to either fight for me, or use them as tools so I can fight myself. I'm also naturally private, but if you manage to find the right buttons or subjects to get me riled up over, it's like a broken dam and it's easier to get me to open up in the future. I'm very good at picking up on vibes from people, and my behavior towards them tends to adjust accordingly. Out of the fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactions, I tend to freeze, but then immediately switch to fight after. I don't have much in the way of proper fighting experience, but I know how to play dirty, and use my usually smaller body to my advantage. I can sprint like hell, but the moment I stop, I'm out like a light because I have the lung endurance of a hamster with asthma.

I hope this wasn't too much information, I just wanted to make sure all my bases were covered. Feel free to just skim or pick out what matters!Thank you so much for doing this, I'm so excited to see what u think!

-✨

Hi anon! Thanks for sending in the match up request 💙

I ship you with Jotaro! I personally think he'd be the best for you☺️

He would find your motherly figure to be attractive. He's not outwardly affectionate or good with demonstrating his feelings so he admires someone who can, like you!

Your passion for the ocean will make his heart soar. Despite being quiet, I think that'll get him talking more than usual and he'd love to share this passion. It's quite niche

I think he would want to hear you sing when visiting the ocean together. Yes, he'll isolate you like any other yandere, but visits to the ocean are the only exception since its a shared passion

Private cuddles and subtle physical touches are totally fine with him. He's not big on PDA and tbh he'd also show his affection like that too (not like you have a choice anyways since you're being held captive)

He'd stay up with you with at night cuz I hc that he has insomnia as well because of his PTSD from his time in Egypt

Lastly, Jotaro would take care of you and handle any issues regarding your health. He's pretty grounded (minus the unhealthy yandere obsession) so he'd look after your health and make sure you're staying healthy and hydrated!

[sorry-apsalar]

Does This Mean I'm a Girl Now?

Content Warning: this fic contains genderbending (sort of anyway) and gender dysphoria as a result of it, also multiple mentions of genitals as well as nudity in general.

My friends and I were discussing a thing that we were mildly salty about which brought on the topic about how we were salty in general over how a lot of genderbending stuff is portrayed. It often relies on stereotypes and gender roles which is really annoying and pretty shitty. Then my dear friend @itsladykit (I hope it’s okay that I tagged you, I just wanna give you proper credit for the idea) brought up the idea of a cis character getting magically genderbent and experiencing gender dysphoria because of it. Which I thought was a really neat idea but I wasn't sure if I was qualified to tell that tale but then they told me to follow my heart and write it and that's why this fic came into being.

Now I feel like I need to put the disclaimer that while I have personal experience with gender dysphoria, the worst of it was was back when I was a teenager, I've mostly grown out of it and I'm pretty sure most people have it stronger than I ever have. So if this isn't an 100% accurate depiction of dysphoria, that is why. I did my best though.

Also, Frender features in it mostly just because I was already fueled primarily by salt, might as well let my usual Futurama salt fuel me too.

-

“Wow,” Fry said as they looked over the naturally formed pool of bright pink goo. They’d been to a lot of different planets and seen quite a few different kinds and colours of goo but never one so pink. “It’s kind of pretty, don’t you think?”

“I guess,” Bender replied, disinterested. “I’m bored though so I dare you to jump in and see what happens.”

“Do not!” Leela snapped from somewhere behind them before Fry could even decide if he wanted to take that dare or not. “I don’t know what you guys found over there but don’t listen to him Fry because whatever it is, is probably dangerous.”

“Fucking killjoy,” Bender muttered so that only Fry could hear. He was right though; they were hiding out on a dumb planet with nothing on it to escape some asshole pirates which meant they had to just sit around and do nothing until Leela was sure they were free. It had only been probably an hour so far and Fry was already bored out of his mind. Leela had forbade them from doing anything ‘dirty’ in case they needed to get out in a hurry so the least she could do was let them investigate some cool pink goo.

So, feeling rather rebellious especially as the sound of Leela’s footsteps approached, presumably to investigate, Fry lowered himself to the ground so he could lean forward and stick in his hand in. The goo didn’t come up all the way to the lip of the natural pool, forcing him to lean a bit farther than he was really comfortable with considering the utterly unknown alien substance he would fall into if he lost his balance but if he fell Bender would catch him… probably anyway, so it should be fine.

The goo was pleasantly cool as it engulfed his hand, almost seemingly clinging to him and pulling it down. It was like sticking his hand in thick syrup fresh out of the fridge, a pleasant texture if a bit odd. Right away though his hand began to have that pins and needles feeling that came from laying on one’s arm wrong for way too long so he should probably…

The ground gave way beneath him, sending him into the goo. He didn’t even have time to yelp in surprise before he was fully submerged in it. He gasped instinctively, inadvertently breathing it in, making him choke and sputter.

He needed to get to the surface now! Except he didn’t even know where it was. He thrashed, trying to go in any direction but to no avail, the goo was too thick to swim well in and blackness was already eating at the edges of his vision. He couldn’t die like this! No fucking way! It wasn’t…

~

“…think it’s permanent?” Bender was saying from somewhere above Fry as he slowly came to.

“Who knows?” Leela replied from also somewhere above him. “For his sake, I hope not.”

“You make it sound like it’s a big problem.” Bender’s tone indicated that he disagreed.

“You don’t understand.” Leela was giving Bender her annoyed look, Fry didn’t even need to open his eyes to know that. “Though I guess I can’t really blame you for not understanding this, you’re a robot so it’s probably different for you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Leela sighed. “Maybe you’re right, maybe it won’t be a big deal. Heck, maybe it’ll only last a few hours.”

As much as Fry enjoyed napping, the way they were talking was rather disconcerting so with a groan he opened his eyes and forced himself to sit up. Bender and Leela were standing to either side of where he lay on the ground. Bender was coated head to toe in bright pink goo, calling to mind what had happened last. That meant he’d jumped in after Fry and was probably the sole reason he hadn’t drowned. Now he was trying to wipe the goo off with a pink rag that might’ve once been white but it wasn’t very effective.

“Hey meatbag,” he said, turning his attention onto Fry. “How do you feel?”

“Uh… weird.” Fry was covered in goo still too. It clung to him and made him feel all tingly and odd, like his whole body had fallen asleep even though that wasn’t possible. And it smelled strange too and tasted bad. He turned his head to the side to spit as much of it out as he could, though it did little to rid his mouth of the taste. “I got to wash this stuff off,” he said as he stood up, careful of the probably slippery goo coating him and pooling around where it had dripped off him and Bender. “Thanks for saving me.” Was it just him or did his voice sound strange?

“Uh… Fry,” Leela cut in before he could turn to start for the ship. “The pink stuff kind of did something to your body.”

Oh no. “What?”

“Well, uh… um…”

“The most noticeable thing it did was give you boobs,” Bender finished. “I didn’t check your pants so it might’ve changed you down there too. You might want to look into it.”

Fry looked down at himself and… true to Bender’s words, his chest was quite different; his clothes soaked in the pink goo clung to him, highlighting the weird lumps on his chest. Boobs was what they were called, he had them now, big ones too. Or at least they looked big to him from this angle which wasn’t an angle he was ever supposed to see boobs from so how was he supposed to know?

“Does this mean I’m a girl now?” he asked as he looked back up at Leela and Bender. The strange thing about his voice was that it sounded more feminine and if it sounded that way to him how much more so was it to everyone else?

“Not unless you want to be,” Leela said with a reassuring smile.

“Uh… I don’t think I do.” He’d never considered it before even in passing but now that was forcibly faced with it, he was pretty sure he didn’t want to be a girl.

“Come on, let’s go wash this gunk off,” Bender said as he gave up on the rag, tossing it disdainfully to the ground before starting for the ship. Fry was more than happy to follow because who knows, maybe it would only last as long as the goo was coating him.

“All right,” Leela said, “I’m going to collect a sample of the pink stuff to bring back to the Professor.”

 -

Undressing brought to Fry’s unfortunate attention that the goo had changed more than just his chest and voice. His hips were wider, his shoulders a little narrower – not by much, he’d never exactly had broad shoulders but enough that even if no one else was likely to notice he still did – and the other biggest change was that his dick was missing. He could explore what was there instead with his hands but… he didn’t feel particularly inclined to do so.

Which was odd, wasn’t it? In every movie or TV show he’d ever seen where a man ended up with a female body through whatever means, the joke almost always was that they were excited to touch themselves down there and play with their new boobs. It wasn’t even that he wasn’t into such things, while he did prefer men – especially if they were robots or aliens – boobs and vagina weren’t turn offs by any means. On himself though it was just… too weird.

With a sigh, he did his best to shake it off and stepped into the shower after Bender. There was only one on board the ship because it wasn’t exactly meant for everyday use, mostly decontamination and washing off dangerous chemicals which this probably counted as. There was enough room for both of them though so it was whatever.

“You owe me for going in after you,” Bender said, turning to face him. “It leaked into my everything and now I have to clean everything.” To demonstrate, he opened his chest compartment, revealing that it had been partially filled with pink goo, Fry had to pull his foot back to stop it from splashing on him. Bender then began taking things out to wash off too, including his cigar case, its contents most likely ruined. He gave Fry a pointed look as he put it back as if this were his fault, which it kind of was.

“Sorry, thanks for saving me though, I owe you big. But uh… you did dare me to jump in.” Not that Fry had meant to or would’ve if given the choice, not even he was quite that stupid.

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it. But whatever, I guess this is more exciting than sitting around doing nothing. By the way, in case you haven’t noticed yet, your dick’s gone.”

Fry had to hold back a groan; that wasn’t something he really wanted to think about. “Yeah, I know. How long was I in the goo before you pulled me out though?” Because surely a change this drastic couldn’t have happened in brief awful seconds he remembered.

“I don’t know, five, ten minutes. That stuff isn’t exactly easy to see through and it was a lot deeper than it looked. Which was why I had to jump in to find you in it.”

“How come it didn’t do anything to you?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I’m a robot.” That was kind of an ‘oh duh’, huh?

They were silent for a bit while Fry focused on making sure to wash all the goo off. He could probably safely step out now if he wanted to, the pins and needle feeling the goo had given him was rapidly fading, but the water was warm and… “What do you think of this?” He did his best to keep his tone casual. “Does it uh… change how you see me or anything?”

Bender scoffed as if Fry was stupid to even consider such a thing. “No, why would it? I’m a robot and I’m pan so I have double the reason not to care what your body is shaped like. It should be fun to play around with later though.” He winked as if his meaning wasn’t already obvious.

Fry wasn’t really sure about that but… that was probably just because he still wasn’t over the shock of the sudden change. When he was more used to it, it would probably be fun to experiment with so… “Yeah, maybe once we’re home and stuff.” Or maybe it would wear off before they even got there and thus it would basically be a non-thing, just another weird adventure that wrapped up quickly and left everything exactly the same as before. He could always hope, right?

~

“… and it’s permanent,” Professor Farnsworth finished, jerking Fry out of the bored stupor listening to the scientific explanation behind the exact mechanics behind the sex change had put him in.

“It’s what?” Hopefully Fry had just misheard something. He hadn’t exactly been paying attention after all.

“It’s permanent,” Farnsworth repeated. “It’s not going to wear off.”

“You mean I’m stuck like this forever?”

“Not necessarily. There’s of course the traditional transition methods you could take or I could use this,” Farnsworth held up the vial of pink goo that Leela had collected for him, “to engineer a substance that will have the opposite effect. And then it’ll be like this whole misadventure never happened except we’ll have the means to get rich off of selling this stuff. Of course we don’t yet know what all the risks it might pose are but that’s all the more reason to sell it to as many people as possible so we can find out.”

Ugh, Fry hadn’t even considered what other possible risks his inadvertent bath in the pink goo might’ve had. What if it was also super toxic and was going to eventually kill him? Or what if it drastically increased his risk of cancer other possibly fatal condition? … Eh, it was probably fine so… “How long is that going to take?”

“Hmmm…” Farnsworth held the vial up to the light as he studied it. “I don’t know. I should probably get to work on it.” And without any further word he was shuffling off out of the room. Everyone in the room, which was everyone employed at Planet Express because privacy didn’t exist in the modern age, watched him go.

“On the bright side,” Leela said from the other side of the conference table, “if he can make something that can do the reverse, we’ll have discovered something that can help a lot of people.”

“Assuming it’s safe anyway,” Amy added. “It could still be super toxic and deadly or something. So, congrats Fry, you get to be a guinea pig for a new way of transitioning. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t kill you in the end.”

“Uh… thanks, I think.” He’d rather not be a guinea pig for anything but seems he didn’t have a choice here so yeah, hopefully it was safe to use. But at least if anyone could make something that could turn him back to normal it was the Professor. So really everything would be fine. He just had to deal with this weirdness for a little while.

~

Looking at himself naked in his bedroom mirror was a mistake. His boobs were weird shaped lumps on his chest that hung there kind of like those ballast bags that hung on the sides of hot air balloon baskets but rounder and with nipples. How could something that looked like that be natural? Crossing his arms over them to try to hid them from view sort of worked but it also pushed them closer together which wasn’t a pleasant sensation. And combined with his hips, they gave him that ‘hourglass figure’ that was supposed to be desirable but didn’t look right in the mirror.

He couldn’t bear to look at his crotch for more a couple seconds because his dick was gone! That was weird and just plain wrong. Everything about his body looked wrong now and he hated it. He’d never particularly liked his body before – muscles would’ve been cool to have but weren’t worth the effort – but it had been utter indifference. Now looking at himself was an unpleasant experience.

He… wasn’t just going to just get used to or over this, was he? His body wasn’t supposed to be like this and thus he couldn’t feel comfortable in it while it was.

Eager to be done looking at himself, he stepped forward and turned the mirror around to face the wall. It would stay until his body was back to normal. All he could really do was hope that that would be soon.

In the meantime though he went to his closest in search out the baggiest clothes he had. Luckily everything he wore on a typical day was already baggy and a lot of it a size or so bigger than needed. Zipping up the jacket should help obscure his boobs too, maybe even completely, though probably not because his initial call had been right, they were on the larger side. But regardless it would be better than nothing.

Right as he was pulling on the jacket, the door opened behind him. “I don’t like this whole sex change thing,” he said as he zipped up and turned to face Bender as he entered. “Like I really, really don’t like it.”

“Why?” Of course Bender wouldn’t understand and well, honestly Fry didn’t either.

“I don’t know.” There wasn’t any solid logical reason for why he disliked it so much. “It just makes me uncomfortable. My body’s not supposed to look like this with boobs and… stuff.” And lacking of other things. “I don’t like it. So if we could pretend that it’s not a thing that would be great.”

Bender gave him a weird look before shrugging and moving on. “I swear you meatbags never cease to be weird. But if it really bothers you that much, I won’t mention your boobs or junk if that’s what you want.”

“Yes, I would like that, thanks.”

“That means we’re not going to fuck tonight though, huh?”

“Uh… yeah, I’d rather not.” That would involve exploring his new body and he couldn’t imagine that being fun.

“The things I put with for you. But whatever, let’s go watch TV then.”

Fry was more than happy to follow him back out into the living room. He could really use the distraction of both watching TV and of cuddling up with Bender.

 -

True to Fry’s prediction he never got over his discomfort about his new body. Wearing obscuring clothing helped as did making sure to never look at himself in the mirror, especially without clothes, but it was still there. He could go for hours at a time without thinking about it but ultimately it always came back in one form or another and it was the worst.

Thankfully no one at Planet Express treated him any different. None of them even mentioned it after the initial buzz about it had faded. Sadly, such was not true for strangers; men flirted with him more which wouldn’t have been much of an issue if they weren’t flirting with him because of something he was uncomfortable with and wished wasn’t a thing. Bender put a jealous stop to a lot of that though which was much appreciated. And then there was everyone calling him she or her which sucked – he got called they or them some too which was better even if it still wasn’t right – most people didn’t care when he corrected them but it was still awkward that he had to.

But finally, just when it was starting to seem like he’d reached his limit and couldn’t take it anymore, upon arriving at work, Professor Farnsworth was there to greet him with some actual good news for once. The opposite of the pink goo was ready to be tested. The fact that Fry would be the first one testing it didn’t even matter to him to anymore.

It was in the pool out back where everyone else was already waiting because again, privacy wasn’t a thing anymore apparently, though honestly Fry didn’t even really care that much. But… “I’d thought it’d be blue,” was the first thing he said upon seeing it because it was bright yellow.

“Why would it be blue?” Farnsworth asked, genuinely confused.

“Because the other stuff was pink and it did this to me so it just makes sense for something that’s supposed to do the opposite to be blue, right?”

“That makes no sense,” Bender said. “Stop being stupid and go jump in already. And don’t almost drown this time because I’m not jumping in to save you again if you do, once was more than enough.”

“You say that but I doubt you mean it,” Hermes chimed in. “We all know you’d jump if to save him if you had to.”

Bender glared at him but Amy spoke up before he could say anything. “Yeah, you two have been dating for like a year now and were like totally in love for like ever even before you were official so don’t pretend to be a tough guy.”

“Just jump in already,” Zoidberg butted in. “I want to see what happens.”

“Yes, let’s just get this over with,” Fry said before anyone else could chime in with anything. He stepped forward to stand on the edge of the pool. “Can you guys like… look away please? I don’t want to ruin my clothes and uh… yeah.” He didn’t want them seeing him naked when his body was still like this even though logically they all already knew what he looked like but… he just didn’t want them seeing.

“Of course,” Leela said as she turned away. Thankfully everyone else soon followed suit with only a little grumbling.

Eager to have this over and done with, Fry quickly undressed. After tossing his balled-up clothes to the side, he sat down on the edge of the pool and slowly lowered himself into the yellow goo. It felt exactly the same as the pink goo had; cool and thick, quickly giving him that unpleasant pins and needles feeling. He had to force himself to submerge his head.

 -

Fry was awoken by cold water being splashed onto his face. His eyes shot open to see who else but Bender hovering over him. “Hey Fry, I thought I told you not to almost drown this time.”

He didn’t remember falling asleep or unconscious and he certainly hadn’t intended to. “Sorry,” he said as he sat up.

Everyone had crowded around to loom over where he lay on the ground next to the pool. “How do you feel?” Farnsworth asked, adjusting his glasses. “Did it work? I can’t tell with all the yellow.”

“Uh…” Fry looked down at himself. … “It worked!” he said as he shot up to his feet. He was back to normal, how his body was supposed to be. His chest of flat, his proportions back to normal, and he had his dick back. Gosh, he never would’ve thought he’d feel so good while naked and surrounded by a bunch of people staring at him.

“Congrats on surviving another sex change,” Leela said.

“And on getting your dick back,” Amy added with an unhelpful thumbs up.

“Maybe next time think twice before deciding to play with a mysterious alien substance,” Hermes said.

Of course the Professor had something to say too. “Now we just got to wait a couple weeks and see if you randomly drop dead before declaring it tested and ready to sell.”

This was very quickly growing awkward with everyone standing around Fry and talking at him while he was butt naked and covered in experimental goo. “I’m going to go wash this stuff off now,” he said as he was already backing away. Also, now that his body was back to normal, there was something he wanted to do because he finally could again and the shower would be the prefect place to do it.

He’d learned an important and valuable lesson though: next time Bender dared him to play in an unknown substance, no matter how bored he was, he’d think about it a little harder before deciding to risk sticking his hand in. And to be more careful around alien goo in general.

[queer-as-frikc]

My coming out story is weird, it gets a lil transphobic so tw near the end tw long post too

So, pretty much throughout my time growing up through elementary school and half of middle school, i grew up in a white middle class area. I didnt know about the LGBTQ+ or anything other than what I saw, which was white people and an occasional poc. Eventually I had to move and I ended up in a super diverse area, and ended up becoming best friends with this person (they are ftm now so imma use the right pronouns but they were f when this story mostly takes place) he told me all about things I didnt know, specifically the LGBTQ+ community and that he was pan, and it was new information so just like any 13 year old learning new things, I questioned myself, I questioned if I could like the same sex or not or possibly more.

Sadly, drama happened between my best friend, his girlfriend and I, so thing got a little weird. But there was a time in winter, when he was off that relationship for more than a month and he said he'd like to date me, and I really thought about it before hand and said yeah, I couldnt tell you how happy I was to have this experience.

I told my mom that night, in a round about way cuz I was nervous, "Hey mom, what if I liked girls?" She told me she doesnt think that I do, because I always expressed feelings for guys, and when I tell her I didnt really understand what being gay was when I was younger, I didn't really know it was a possibility. She snapped at me and said, "Unless you are willing to kiss a girl and do the other stuff, you arent gay at all."

Eventually I have a sit down conversation with her, about how confusing this all was and how I wish I knew how I felt, and so on. She said she had a similar questioning phase but it never stuck so she doesnt think I am.

Like a month later I figure it out and dude that was so gratifying. I came out as bi to my mom, who just dismissed the whole thing, but I was terrified to tell my uncle (it's a long story about that, no it's not "sweet home Alabama") because he always said bi's were wh*res so yeah. I ended up telling him, and he goes, "You know my opinion on it but that doesnt mean that I'll disown you or anything." Btw the relationship (dating wise) with my best friend after he came out as ftm because he went back to his ex, it's all cool tho.

So that was that, or so I thought. It was my first year of high school, and I finally really understood the definition of pan, what was holding me back though was the trans experience, I thought because I didnt know what it was like, I couldnt be pan, even though I didnt have a preference, turns out it just means you like people no matter their gender and it like, clicked finally so yeah. I've told my family about that since but I a similar reaction: my mom said she doesnt think I am and she lectured me on my generation having so many labels and how she hated it. My uncle said he appreciated that I was pan more than me being bi which confused me but he just had a better view of pansexual than bisexual. (I explained to both of them what the difference was but idk man)

I believe it was my second year of high school when I really started to question my gender, and that was mostly because I saw a video of what gender dysphoria looks like if it's not that strong and you arent aware for ftm. So like wearing bagging clothes all the time, always wearing sports bras, and practically no other bra, feeling really good if someone accidentally calls you sir, etc. And I was like, oml it's me. But it wasnt, I didnt find that out until later tho. So, with my friend group, I find a name that seems to fit me well and ask them to address me by it and he/him pronouns, as like a test of sorts. (All of my friends are gay in some way so it was cool) In the end tho, I got a little iffy about the whole thing and wouldnt ever correct them at times or it was just off for me. I felt really bad because I thought that they might have thought that I was just trying to force myself to be more like them, but I wasnt, i still felt bad though and kinda dropped it.

I'm not sure 100% how I figured it out tho, but I remember talking to my best friend (not the same one from middle school, they were my best friend as well but they arent the same person) about the whole experience and I believe they brought up the idea of genderfulid, and I was like :0.... what that. They explain it, you go aall over the gender spectrum, some days you might feel like a boy, others you might feel like you have no gender, some days you might feel like your gender is something completely weird and different, that's just what it is. And I was like, "It fits but like, I barely feel femme at any point in time, maybe like once a year." And they tell me, that's ok and stuff as long as my gender just decides to be a completely weird and went all over the place, it counted, so I was like, "I finally figured it out!!!" And i was so happy.

Then came the time I was comfortable enough to tell my parents. I had been using the label genderfuild for over half a year already and I thought that it was what I was so it was ok to tell them. I saw how ok me being gay went, so I was nervous but not as nervous as I should have been, probably. I told my mom first, she went on a similar rant of her no liking my generations labels and such, but it went fine, I explained it, I thought I was through, I thought I was fine, apparently not. One day I'm in the shower and I hear my mom being very expressive with what ever shes talking about to my uncle, which is fine, she needs someone to vent to sometimes. When I get out though, and I can here her clearly, I hear sees complaining about what I told her recently, that I'm genderfulid, but instead of saying that, she only says I want to be a boy. (Oh no) So shes complaining to him, asking why I cant be more like her and just be a masculine girl and be fine, why do I have to fit in with the crowd of my generation to feel special, why cant I just be fine with who I am now? Etc.

The sad thing is, that night, I was going out shopping for pants and underwear with my uncle because I needed some and I wore men's pants already at that point, because they are more durable, and stuff so I knew it was gonna be a long ride. My mom was snippy with me that whole night, just the entire time which sucked.

When we finally left to go get clothes though, I didnt know it could get worse. My uncle lectured me about how that's just my generations fad, and how his was making tattoos and piercings ok in the work place and mine is being trans a gay and all that crap, and that I'm just trying to fit in, I'm not being myself, no matter how much I chop myself up and cut my hair and take hormones my chromosomes will never change and so I can never be an actual guy. He also said that I would bring just more attention to myself being a woman who does guy things rather than try and be one, and he thinks I'm doing this all for attention. I was mad but silent at this point, I didnt want to cause anything to happen. He ended up asking me, "So did you pick a different name?" I was surprised but I said yeah, and my friends were using it and it seemed to fit better. He asked me what it was and fear over took my body. I told him, "I'll only tell you if you dont use it against me if your mad." He says, "i cant promise that." And then gets mad because I wont tell him. Though I do, because I feel obligated since hes buying me clothes. To be even more confusing, he buys me guys underwear, and undershirts along with the predetermined pants he promised me and now I'm so confused.

But it gets even worse. When we get home, my mom freaks out on him because be bought me all that mens stuff and she said he was encouraging my behavior and stuff, he defended with it's just clothes, and yah it is. Eventually things settle down, obviously my mom isnt talking to be, but that's for the best at this point. I'm in the living room with my uncle and he just then starts harassing me with questions like, how do you know? he asks. "Well, I just feel that way, same as you." I say. But why do you wanna be a guy? he asks. "I dont wanna be a guy, it's just weird that way. Also it's not me being a guy, it me being many more than that," I say. He says that's bullsh*t. I offer to show him videos that better explain what trans is and how it's an actual sciencey thing and stuff but he said he wont take a video because he wants me to say it. And then he just goes off, saying the name I picked out shows how self centered I am because I am selfish, he kept asking me if i liked to fight, to catch and play with bugs, to be strong, to be angry all the time, and all these stereotypes for men and I just left, and went to bed. He wasnt going to listen to me, so there wasnt a point to me staying.

But, it gets worse. The morning comes and I'm awoken by the slam of my door by my uncle and the laughter of my mom. My uncle starts being really aggressive and starts cleaning my room, I only have clothes on the floor mostly so that's all it was, but he starts saying, well if you're gonna be a man, imma start training you like one, the man of the house picks up after everyone, the man of the house does everything he can to help the house run smoothly, the man of the house has to be strong, and all that stuff. (Which I thought was funny because he was "the man of the house" yet I did everything, and still do. I clean up most after him, funny huh.) And, I know what's happening and so I stay in bed, I don't want this to happen. But I literally get ripped out of my bed by my uncle and get told to stop being a little b*tch and a brat because I'm being selfish by my mom and I'm yelled at to sit in the living room and wait while my uncle cleans my room. When hes done hes starts lecturing me and being all aggressive and in my face. He keeps asking me a million questions with the tone that he didnt care so I knew he wouldn't listen. Eventually, him and my mom leave, I'm told to stay there until I get back. When they do get back, they act like everything is fine, nothing happened between them and I and it's just been so hard for me to talk to them about that since.

I'm greatful that I dont have to deal with that anymore but every time something that that is brought up with my family, I panic so much now. I'm fine and I'm safe but it was very traumatic for me. And uh, thanks for listening.

hey, thank you so much for sharing your story. this was just. so heartbreaking. noone deserves to have a person like your uncle in their life. im so sorry you had to go through all of that. i hope you’re in a much better place now <3 (also i loveeddd reading about how you figured it out) =)

again, tysm <3

[werevulvi]

How did you learn to be comfortable with your hirsutism? I've never been trans or detrans or dysphoric so my situation is not like yours but i'm hairier than average and even approaching my 30s i still struggle with my natural body. I've tried going noshave as a dare a couple of times and just feel overwhelmed with revulsion and shame. Even if i think it's conditioning for the most part i don't think i can undo it. Is there a point of no return?

I've always been mostly comfortable with it, but that's not saying I haven't dealt with any amount of shame or stigma about it. Especially a couple of years ago, I did struggle with it. Not everyone in my life loves hairy women, and that does affect me, so I hope I can offer some insight, or uplifting words! I think there are several aspects as to why it's fairly easy for me to love my body hair unabashedly now, and also reasons as to why I've struggled with it. Firstly, being viewed as male makes people less likely to call me gross or stare at me for being hairy, even though some still do because I often wear very feminine clothing (people tend think that hairy men in feminine clothing is "distasteful" ...apparently) and my parents really do struggle with my body hair. Even my sister has promptly given me unsolicited shaving advice. (I’m not exactly sure how my family views my gender, if it’s as a woman or more like a trans person, or as a female who identifies as a man, or I don’t know, but it’s obviously not as an actual biological man. Which I’m totally fine with and really don’t care, as they’re entitled to their opinions of me, but like it’s relevant because they probably wouldn’t have thought my body hair is gross and bad if I had actually been male, which is my only complaint: the sexism nestled in with however they perceived me.) But outside of my family and aside from my femininity, my ability to mostly blend into society as a man (which only some women do/can/want) means most people don't care about that I'm hairy, or might even praise me for it. Like if I just dress a little less girly, it's suddenly "cool" and "oh so manly" that I have hair on my chest, kinda.

Another aspect is that when/if I tell people I "identify" myself as a (trans) man, they also praise my hairiness as a positive personal achievement. Where as when I've instead "identified" myself as a woman, people have instead expressed disgust, being sorry, and other ill-placed compassion, for my hairiness. Like someone saying "I'm jealous of your beard, that looks awesome, dude" does affect me in a very different way from being told "I'm so sorry you grew a beard, I hope something can be done about it" and having been given those very different reactions based on what I've called myself (while looking the exact same way) has definitely affected my confidence about my body/facial hair.

However, I could still love my body hair even when I kept getting tons of crap for it from other people. Receiving all that crap made me feel terrible about my hairs for a while, but I also couldn't make myself truly hate them. I could within a couple of years find my love for them again. Probably so quickly because I had already loved them before, and because I was unable to hate them, despite being under that intense social pressure to conform.

When there's no one around to have opinions of my body hair, and it's just me, I first and foremost enjoy simply how they feel. That's how I started my journey to embrace my hairs. Wearing a long skirt or dress and my thicc thighs suddenly don't clamp together, because my leg hair serves as a natural barrier, which reduces friction? Awesome sensation. Wearing a shorter skirt and feeling the wind in my leg hairs on a warm summer day? Another awesome sensation. Armpits not stinging when putting on deodorant? Very nice, indeed. Not having to deal with any razor burns, and much more rarely any ingrown hairs? Neat. Twirling my fingers around my chest hair, because I still don't have a stim toy? Very soothing. Cuddling my beard? Very calming and reduces my stress levels like a LOT. It's almost as nice as petting a cat.

Then after finding how I love all those sensations and more, it became difficult for me to shave as the shaven sensation left me feeling oddly naked and like I was missing something. Without noticing, I had started to connect emotionally to my hairs as not just part of my body (for better or worse) but as truly part of ME.

Kinda like how many people feel about their head hair, regardless of their preferred length. Many people like having head hair, and would feel naked and at a loss if it was suddenly gone, which applies to both men and women. I started feeling like that "naked and at a loss" without my body hair, because I had emotionally connected to simply the physical sensations of having it there.

But I was still struggling with the appearance of my hairy body being there all visible, so on that point what I did was starting with simply covering up. Wearing clothes that would hide how hairy I was, basically. And not looking too long in mirrors, but also not avoiding mirrors. I'd glance. Except I still went swimming in just a bikini, regularly, at a public, local pool.

I think my experiences with going swimming while hairy, and otherwise hiding my hairs, helped me slowly get more comfortable with how it looked. Because I realised that despite all the comments, etc, it's really no one's business how I groom my body, as long as I'm clean and smell fresh. And my hairs are definitely clean! They're freshly shampooed and conditioned! I'm only saying that because keeping my body hair clean, helps me curb that feeling of being hairy somehow supposedly being equal to being dirty, which it isn't!

The more brave I got to test myself, I decided to show my hairs in public more and more, outside of the swimming pool area. Like with low-cut shirts, short sleeved shirts, tank tops, shorter skirts/shorts, etc. Eventually I developed a stronger connection with my body hair, became protective of it. And I started seeing beauty in it too. Looking at body positivity stuff made by other hairy women out there (mostly on Instagram) inspired me a lot, and having a supportive girlfriend who kept telling me my body hair is hot, helped a lot too. Feeling attractive shouldn't be the end all be all, but I'd be an idiot if I denied that it's uplifting and inspiring to hear/see that my own body hair is attractive.

As a result, I can quite freely love my body hair now, and show it proudly, but it took a lot of work and I still feel a little bit weird about it. Like sometimes I catch myself being puzzled by that I'm so hairy yet female. So like it is deeply ingrained, the belief that female body hair is somehow bad, dirty, gross or shameful, but it's NOT objective truth. It's just subjective opinions that very many people unfortunately have. It's natural, protects the skin, can increase sensitivity, can help regulate body temperature even, it's cheaper to not spend lots of money on shaving products, and lots of other good things that come with being hairy. I think the only negative is when my bracelets, rings and necklaces get stuck in the hairs and yank them out... which doesn't happen often!

I still feel that shame tugging in me whenever my mom decides to berate me for being hairy, and I have to remind myself that that's just her opinion, and not an incredibly valuable one!

So no, I don't think there is a point of no return. Like it’s never too late, as long as you’re still alive and kicking. We continue to be maluable and adaptive, and changing as people throughout life. Any opinions or beliefs that we have can change. Sometimes on a whim, but more often from working on ourselves, consuming media that informs us why we should change an opinion/belief, testing out what works and what doesn't, challenging ourselves, facing our fears, etc, and sometimes it can take a lot of such work and determination to achieve the desired result. But I think, when it comes to self-acceptance and self-love it's always possible to achieve.

Although I may still struggle a little bit with my body, I managed to come to love it in general, and feeling really connected to being female, despite still having dysphoria, from having hated my body in the past, and I think that says a lot. I mean that to say, if I can do that, I'm sure you can too. I hate to say it, but really all it takes is willpower and not giving up.