#my childhood was lesbian accusations

[pennyserenade]

when i was shopping with my friends during spring break in cali there were a few masculine looking outfits in the women’s section, and i liked most of them but i told my friend i couldn’t wear them and when he asked why i told him it was because i looked like a little boy in stuff like that. and he said “that’s the point” and i had to stand in front of that boy shirt and mourn the little girl i used to be.

[patricia-taxxon]

Why is the transfem debate not similar to the bi lesbian/he him lesbian debate?

Not trying to fight or accuse you of doing anything just genuinely would like to know bc from my perspective, the things ppl say about the word transfem seem exactly the same as the things I said when I identified as a lesbian and believed bi lesbians were Not Valid (I don't believe that anymore) but I could be missing something and I wanna know what it is I'm missing

i'm not a lesbian, but I'm a transfem who still feels gay when I love men, and i think the difference is that I actually have some claim to gay man homophobia in a way that perisex afab people can never have with transfemininity. i was identified as a faggot by the other kids, hate-motivated murders by straight men against trans women are sometimes done out of a burning fear of being gay, etc. Coercively being assigned and raised as male throughout childhood is a non-negotiable part of the transfem experience, though. it's more load-bearing than *exclusively* loving women is to lesbianism.

[headcanonsandmore]

Doctor Who companions summarised in ten words or less (2005-2022 edition)

Rose Tyler: Working class girl unionises outer space.

Martha Jones: Hypercompetent doctor treated like second choice, understandably leaves.

Donna Noble: Woman finds platonic soul-mate in angsty alien mess.

Amy Pond: Scottish lady becomes mother-in-law to alien she fancied.

Rory Williams: Hypercompetent medical professional treated like moron for no reason.

River Song: MILF becomes her own parents' childhood friend.

Clara Oswald: Schoolteacher develops co-dependency issues with caretaker.

Nardole: Bald man insists on telling boss he sucks.

Bill Potts: Local lesbian falls in love with puddle.

Graham O'Brien: Retiree goes on gap year in time machine.

Ryan Sinclair: Dyspraxia be damned, my boy sure can run.

Dan Lewis: Scouse himbo is best third wheel ever.

Yasmin Khan: Pining sapphic accused of queerbaiting for not snogging crush.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my (36F she/her) girlfriend (32F she/they) to be out at work if she wants to become myanager ?

It's messy and complicated. I love my girlfriend very much and ultimately I think we are in a shitty situation with no real win and we have a different opinions on how to lose.

I am a polyamorous lesbian. I have a wife but I also sometimes have other secondary partners, and my wife does too.

I am happy to work in a place safe enough that I am out at work (about the lesbian part, not the polyamory part). My wife often comes at afterwork events and because she is a sweetheart, is loved by most of my colleagues.

I have been at this job for 4 years, that's how I met this colleague, Angel. This person looked familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it. We talked, grew a bit closer then I met them again outside of work, at a queer event of my city. This time I recognized them. Angel is trans, non binary and fem presenting, at work she is not out and present herself as a cis heterosexual man. We talked, I obviously swore to keep it a secret but knowing this part of her helped us growing even closer together. We have now been dating for 3 years.

Angel has a longtime girlfriend (childhood sweethearts even) as her primary relationship. Let's call her Valentine. Valentine is working in the same industry but not in the same company. Because it's a niche field, everyone knows everyone and we often meet at work events. I also like her very much and we are good friends. Val is terrified to be out as polyamori at work because she is afraid of what the gossip will do to her work reputation. Valentine has a more public facing role than Angel and I and I absolutely respect her desire to protect what she has.

Even if it doesn't look like it, I do like too to keep private and professional life separated… Angel and I mostly connected outside of the workplace at queer events and are also both deeply involved in the drag scene and the queer political scene of our city. We never flirted at work and have even never stole a kiss on workground. We just happened to fall in love anyway even if we recognized the situation was less than ideal.

Our company has been through a lot of changes recently. My teamleader is leaving and Angel(that previously worked in another department) has been asked if she wants the role.

She does.

I have more experience than her even if she has more seniority with the company. I have been pretty open about wanting a senior expert position rather than managerial one and that's why I have not been offered the role. I am really happy for her and think she will be a great manager and recognize it's a great opportunity.

But I don't want her to be My manager. It's a really dangerous position to have over a romantic partner and she recognizes that. Moreover even if we managed to keep our relationship a secret until now, we know it's a precarious position. If our secret would be revealed while she IS my manager it could be terrible for us. She could be accused of taking advantage of me, or me to want to sleep my way through the top. Keep also in mind that she is male presenting at work and I am publicly a lesbian so yeah… We are also in very committed relationship which is another mess… It would not look good for us should we be forcibly out…

That's why I want to go to HR while her candidacy is being studied and explains the whole thing or at least some of them. I don't want to leave my team because my mentor is there and not a lot of people are doing what we do but maybe we could sort something out together? I would agree for Angel to be the team leader if I have a separate manager… Or maybe Angel could be the leader of another team ? Or I could become a more independent team member ? Angel and I are publicly work best friends so it would made sense anyway for me to have a different manager to keep things more fair.

Angel doesn't want to, and Valentine is absolutely against it. Angel thinks it will ruin her chance at the position. Maybe want to sort things out After she has been offered the job, maybe try to work out how we would work at manager/managee for some time before calling HR. I would not be against waiting for a real offer but listening her talk, I am afraid she intends to push things forever. Angel is afraid HR will reveal our secret to everyone. I recognize our HR team is not the best and even gossipy but it's about really private and protected things (in my country) : our sexual orientation and sexual identities. We also have a very good Union (with queer delegates) and even if I am unsure about HR, I am sure the union will remember them the law protecting us here and will ultimately behave appropriately. But I recognized it's a risk.

I want to break things of with Angel if she doesn't want to go to HR. My wife says it's mean and manipulative to use this kind of ultimatum. The way I see it I am just protecting myself. Angel is putting her job before our relationship and I am OK with that, she is also priorizing Valentine's needs (as she should) but in this case, I should be allowed to do the same and protect myself and my job. From my point of view, Angel could : refuse the position, go to HR, or accept the breakup.

AITA for this ultimatum ? Valentine thinks I am. Angel is confused. My wife disapproves but loves me to much to call me an asshole.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

sexual assault and rape tw

I'm 22 years old and I've been having some trouble with the discovery that I have a rape fetish. I've known since 2022 but I still feel intense shame about it and there's so many things about it that scare me. I've also been wondering if there's a way to just stop feeling anything sexual? that'd save me some trouble bc then I wouldn't have to think about this ever again

I'm a bi woman. I only figured out I'm bisexual last year and before that I thought I was a lesbian. but then I learned how to masturbate and I realized men were a part of my fantasies — I was in denial for a long time and even thinking about being with a guy would make me feel despair and cry for hours back then. I still feel bad about it nowadays but at least I'm not in denial anymore. I've never had trouble understanding that I like women and whenever I fantasize about women I don't feel negative emotions during or after masturbation (even if I end up fantasizing about rape). but when I fantasize about men I always feel upset afterwards and my fantasies with men are *always* about rape/sexual assault. I don't feel a lot of attraction to men's bodies, I just feel attracted to the idea of them sexually assaulting me or raping me, y'know? so even in my fantasies with guys I never think too much about their body. actually, I prefer it if the guy is super old and I don't feel any positive emotions about him

in hindsight my attraction to men is definitely tied to sexual trauma. since I was a child (and specially when I was a child) I've been sexually assaulted by boys and adult men. they'd touch my genitals and make me touch their genitals or hold me in place without letting me go. there was also the usual butt slapping. I even forgot about what happened with a specific old man for some time when I was 9. when I finally remembered what happened and told my parents about it they acted as if it were my fault and I had wanted it. but, like, no actual rape happened. so is this even enough for a rape fetish to develop?

and my experience with f/m couples during childhood was pretty bad – I remember thinking that women were like servants and needed to be submissive. I tried asking my mom about it when I was 10 but she just got angry at me and told the rest of my family I was asking about inappropriate things and accusing me of wanting to do inappropriate things

I think all of these experiences are the reason I started having rape fantasies (well, I suppose they were just sexual assault fantasies back then) with men as a child (I remember the first ones starting when I was 7 and they kept happening up until I was 10). I remember thinking that it was how it worked and how it's meant to be for women. I'd feel disgusted afterwards and eventually, in my early teen years, I stopped thinking about this altogether. I didn't know what any of it meant but it made me uncomfortable so I didn't think about it at all for years. but then I learned how to masturbate when I was 20 and I had to force myself to think about everything that happened bc I needed to understand why my brain works the way it does. it seems pretty obvious in hindsight but it took me a long time to understand what all of it meant

anyway. I keep thinking about maybe trying something with a guy to see how it turns out bc everytime I think about liking men my mind just goes back to assault/rape, but perhaps that's something I need to heal from? and does all of this mean I like to be assaulted? it feels so good when I'm fantasizing about it that I get scared about how I'd react if it happened irl. I keep wondering if I would I like it too and if this means I liked being sexually assaulted as a child? and sometimes I get excited when I think about *actually* putting myself in a dangerous situation with a guy I don't know. I'm scared (but also excited by the thought) that one day I will actually do it.

tbh I wish I could just like vanilla stuff. or just not feel sexual attraction at all

hi anon,

you've given me so much to work with here and I am DELIGHTED, so let's take this bit by bit, answering your questions/curiosities in order as much as possible.

generally no, there's not really a way to turn off sexual feelings. a lot of people find that they get supremely un-horny on antidepressants or other mood stabilizers, but that's a side effects that's hardly guaranteed. the most reliable option would probably be a lobotomy, but that's a bit drastic so let's not do that.

this is a bit beside the point, and I certainly can't tell you what to call yourself, but if you'd rather be a lesbian you can absolutely be that. there's a huge difference between liking the idea of a very specific type of sexual situation with a fictional man and actually being attracted to real men, and it really doesn't sound like actual living breathing real men hold any particular allure for you. I know this isn't the biggest issue her by a longshot, but I do just want to say you can absolutely call yourself a lesbian if calling yourself bisexual isn't sparking joy. the only truth is what feels best to you.

there's no such thing as "enough rape" for something to traumatize you; any amount of sexual assault is sexual assault (and your parents are shitheels for implying that you, a child, were somehow responsible for that, btw). and while there's no quantifying how much assault is enough to "count," it's worth pointing out that exactly none is required to "justify" a kink - there are people with rape fantasies who will never experience a single act of nonconsensual violence in their lives, and that's just as fine as people who eroticize sexual violence in response to their own trauma. being horny is a morally neutral act.

at a guess I would say no, this probably doesn't mean you like to be assaulted; very few people do. and no, it certainly doesn't mean you enjoyed being assaulted as a child. even if you did enjoy some aspects of whatever was done to you, that's a.) beyond your control; arousal isn't a process that needs your permission to occur. lots of people orgasm while being sexually assaulted, which certainly doesn't mean it wasn't assault and b.) that does not in any way mean that the person or people who hurt you are absolved from blame for abusing their power over a child.

listen: even people who do enjoy getting roughed up or hurt in some capacity generally have to do at least a bare bones negotiation and provide some level of consent to get there, meaning it is fundamentally different from someone jumping out of the bushes to assault you like a villain of the week on SVU. I really enjoy getting tattoos, but I'd be understandably horrified if someone tackled me on the street to start sticking needles in my body without permission. likewise, a great deal of BDSM enthusiasts would be extremely unhappy to be flogged or whipped without warning by someone they didn't agree to do that with. context is everything, and the ability to control your scenario really, really matters. (I just said a little bit more about that here.)

if you do want to explore consensual nonconsent IRL, please emphasize the consensual part - find a sexual partner who understands how to negotiate a scene and with whom you can negotiate boundaries and opt-outs ahead of time, rather than a stranger you genuinely don't feel safe with.

[hard--headed--woman]

Hi ladies! For this 3rd post I am again going to talk about a woman I mentionned yesterday (in the post about Natalie Clifford Barney) ;

Romaine Brooks !

Her birth name is Beatrice Romaine Goddard, but we know her as Romaine Brooks. Successful italian american painter, she was born in 1874 in Roma and died in 1970 in Nice (in France) at 96 years old. Her works were successful in the early years of her career, before declining considerably during the 1930s and regaining popularity in the 1960s.

Both her parents were American and had two other children. Shortly after Romaine's birth, they decided to return to the United States, then broke up.

It was here that life took a difficult turn for young Beatrice: her mother took very little care of her, and abused her, accusing her of being possessed by the devil and of bringing bad luck. When she was seven, her mother abandoned her, leaving her to a poor family in New York. This same family informed the child's grandfather, who then decided to take charge of his granddaughter and her education. He placed her in various religious institutions, and for years she saw very little of her mother.

She began drawing and painting at the age of 16.

In 1893, she moved to Europe, became a cabaret singer in Paris and studied painting in Roma. She returned to live with her mother in 1901, after her brother's death, but her mother died in 1902, leaving Romaine to inherit her grandfather's fortune.

From then on, Romaine began to live a very unconventional life. In 1903, she, an open lesbian, and her homosexual friend John Ellington Brooks decided to marry. It's obviously not a love marriage, but an agreement, an arrangement between the two friends: this marriage will give the impression that they respect social norms and will therefore spare them the comments and pressure of society, and they will be free to love whoever they want, sheltered behind their appearance as a married couple.

Romaine and John never lived together, but to thank him for helping her, Romaine paid her friend a monthly allowance.

Romaine has had many lovers in her life : Dolly Wilde, (yeah this is Oscar Wilde's niece, and an interesting person!), the dancer Ida Rubistein, the marquise Luisa Casati, the pianist Renata Borgatti... but the love of her life was Natalie Clifford Barney. As you know it if you've read my post about Natalie, the two women stayed together for about 50 years, from 1914/1915 (unclear) until Romaine's death in 1970.

In 1904, she began using shades of gray in her work, and these would remain the dominant tones in her later paintings.

One of her best-known paintings is "La France Croisée" (Crossed France), which she painted in reaction to the first Battle of Ypres, at the beginning of the first world war.

The "patriotism" that transpires from this allegorical painting and inspired her mobilization for France and the Croix-Rouge française earned her the Légion d'Honneur in 1920.

She was a very successful painter. Her paintings were exhibited all over the world, from Paris to London to New York. Her career peaked in 1925, followed by a decline in the '30s. At this point, she gave up painting and concentrated on drawing, creating works inspired by her unhappy childhood. In the 60s, however, the art world started to take a renewed interest in her paintings.

She died at 96 in Nice, in December 1970, and since then, several prestigious exhibitions in her honor have been organized, rekindling public interest in Romaine Brooks and her work.

Here are some of her paintings :

(This is Natalie Clifford Barney!)

(This is Ida Rubistein)

(The Charwoman)

(This is Renata Borgatti)

(Chasseresse)

There is way much more to say about her and you should really check her life and her art! She was an interesting person with interesting works and I personally am glad I found her paintings.

See you tomorrow!

[whoreofabaddon]

I apologize somewhat insincerely for the pause in my regular posting, but I'm about to talk in depth about some of the power dynamics we see at play in IwtV.

Particularly, something that has been weighing on my mind is this post by @platoapproved in which we see Louis lightly stroking the bruises of Armand's trauma. Despite the fact the OP caught those hints so amazingly, the reblogs turn into an absolute cesspool in which there are many baffling accusations. So I wanted to touch on this from the perspective of someone who has both been in multiple D/s relationships (albeit as a lesbian and not a gay man) and is also a psychotherapist so trained in trauma responses.

The first thing I wanted to say is that we’re never given any reason to believe Louis is anything but a compassionate and skilled dominant partner. There are no moments portrayed between them where he oversteps any of Armand’s boundaries or where he uses their dynamic for manipulative purposes. We’re actually shown the opposite of that in the scenes where their power exchange come into play. He soothes Armand’s trepidation around setting boundaries and doesn’t force him to witness a new vampire being made. The one time we see Louis truly push Armand to accept a command is when he’s preventing him from killing Daniel, and even then, he validates that he’s hurt Armand enough to understand why he wants to. 

Similarly, we’re actually never shown Armand pushing Louis to take part in that dynamic when he doesn’t want to like so many keep claiming. I suspect that it was actually thrilling for Louis to meet a vampire older and more powerful than his maker, only to find that vampire would willingly allow him to have the control and authority between them. After having spent years in an abusive relationship, it must have seemed to be a gesture of great love to be shown such deference after Lestat had treated him so cruelly and disrespectfully. 

If anything it’s likely healing due to the change in the pattern. And that, I think, is also what is happening when we see Louis begin to draw from Armand’s history of trauma and introduce that into their dynamic. I fully believe he is playing with this dangerous subject because it is something Armand has never finished processing; he's such a trusted figure in Armand's life that it is safe for them to do this together. Armand's not been able to complete the loop of thoughts surrounding his abusive childhood, and so his mind is going to replay it over and over and seek out ways to ‘master’ it. That means his brain has to be convinced that he’s ‘solved’ the issue and the risk is abated. So he is going to keep returning to it or desperately avoiding it, and Armand’s patterns lean towards pursuing the subject matter over and over. The fact that it is Louis drawing on the memories means he knows he’s able to have the freedom of changing the ending; he goes ‘to coffin’ with his maitre at the end, he’s not truly given away for someone else’s sexual pleasure, and the fear and humiliation is touched on but ends before it can get worse. This time the offer is declined, this time he can reply snappily ("I wouldn't let you near my neck..."), and this time he doesn’t have the horrible emotional push-pull of ‘how dare you do as I tell you’ which Marius tended to use against him. (I also think Louis is referencing Armand’s blood being addictive to Daniel in the books, but that’s another layer to explore at a later time).

So I’ll say that, unlike some commenters, I don’t think it’s ‘ugly’ that Louis is mirroring aspects of Marius’ behaviors. Instead, I think the vulnerability and trust that it would require for them to successfully do this shows something very beautiful about the way they relate to each other.  

(Mandatory disclaimer that I am not suggesting that everyone ought to drop out of therapy and process their trauma using an untrained partner and kink. There is a high chance that you can trigger your partner. I am simply illustrating the psychology and perceived intentions at play and why this could feel satisfying to the characters).  And tagging @thequeenofsastiel for the promised meta.

[thebibutterflyao3]

Marauders Fandom

We need to talk about Lily Evans.

The amount of misogyny directed at this character is truly mind-boggling and I think many of you are completely unaware you’re doing it. There are so many rich, in-depth characterizations of the male characters in the Marauders era because we accept that they are deeply flawed people. It’s because of these flaws that we identify with them, adore them, and can relate to them. These four idiots experience damaging trauma, homophobia, discrimination, and countless character building experiences that allow them to capture your imagination. Through fanfiction, we inflict numerous situations and create relationships that challenge logic, reality, and canon. It makes them powerful figures in our minds!

Now, let’s talk about the female Marauders era characters. Dorcas and Marlene are lesbians. Marlene is a Sirius-variant. Dorcas and Mary are Black. Lily is perfect in every way. Mary is stylish and popular. This is more or less the level of depth given to these characters in nearly every fic I’ve read that includes them. What a disgusting disservice to women.

Female characters can be written with just as many flaws, experience the same challenges, and deserve the opportunity to grow into the powerful figures they could be. The one that I feel is shafted the most often is Lily mother-fucking Evans. The witch who was at the top of her class, compared in canon to Hermione as a perfectionist and know-it-all muggle-born, who grew up with Petunia as an older sister, and Severus Snape as a best friend. You’re going to look me in the eyeballs and tell me this woman wasn’t complicated? She wasn’t flawed, traumatized, and intense? We’ve taken the rich characterization potential this character offered and given it to Regulus Black. The correlations that can be made between Regulus and Lily are wild, yet anyone who writes her as anything but sunshine and rainbows is accused of villainizing her.

News flash: Your misogyny is showing. Why do you expect Lily to be perfect? Because society expects women to be perfect. Why are male characters allowed to be flawed assholes? Because society allows and accepts men as flawed assholes, encourages it even.

I find it endlessly fascinating that I can write Regulus as a snarky, intense, anxious, and a complete prick with nothing but full support from the fandom because he’s “traumatized.” If I write Lily the same way? I’m “villainizing” her or you “hate her” for thinking she knows better than everyone else. Stop treating women like dolls. We are powerful individuals with the potential to brighten or destroy your whole fucking world. Don’t make the same mistake the patriarchy has and dismiss, undermine, and overlook women.

I know Lily Jane Evans (yes, I gave her a middle name because she fucking deserves one). I wrote a 430k+ deep dive into her childhood and upbringing, as well as all 7 years at Hogwarts. I explored her friendship with Snape, her family, and her relationship with James. I’ve done my research and I built her character from the ground up. Lily Evans is an anxious, intense, introvert who made Hogwarts her home and rose to the rank of Head Girl before she left. Sound like Percy Weasley to anyone? She’s certainly a compassionate, loving, and generous person too, but let her have flaws! Let her be annoying, feel inadequate, and fuck things up! Let her live!

If you want more fanfiction focused on female characters, stop pretending they are perfect. No one wants to write about perfect people. No one wants to read about them either. Let women be flawed assholes too. We can do both. We’re flexible like that.

[dearfraumilena]

OKAY PUBLISHING MY FAGGOT BRACKETS PROPAGANDA ON MY MAIN TOO:

I'm late to this for lesbian reasons (not even kidding)

I had a dream where my English teacher tried to seduce me in conversion therapy (now everyone thinks I'm in love with her. AND this isn't even the first time I've been accused of being in love with my English teacher (I've cried like 50 times over when my last one got married and had a child))

I have on multiple occasions cried when I see straight couples in the street because I'm scared a woman would never choose me over a man LOL. I cry even harder if they have a baby with them/ young children

My type is domme femmes (this isn't propaganda I just want you to feel sorry for me)

2/3 of the concerts I've been to have been boygenius concerts

Once bought a girl (who I knew was straight) Taylor Swift tickets because I'd had a crush on her for three years and I couldn't just ask her out like a normal person. I also gave her flowers as a birthday present once, then blushed really hard, then ran away before she could say thank you

When Idk who to talk to I DM my problems to Lucy Dacus on instagram (obviously she's never responded)

When extended family come over I can't let them in my room because I have so many pictures of women stuck to my walls

Last time a boy asked me out I threw up twice (wasn't funny at the time)

Been in MULTIPLE homoerotic friendships gone wrong but I've never actually dated anyone

Can't flirt with girls to save my life

First time I was asked what my pronouns were I said thank you for asking but didn't actually give an answer

I like cosplaying as a faggy victorian aristocrat in my spare time

I get accused of dating my best friend (@gayoticbeing lol) on the daily (we got told to scissor in a bush by some random guys?????)

My dad told me that he always knew I was gay because from a young age I had "intense fixations on women". Namely, my childhood friend who I still think about every day but haven't spoken to in over a year or seen in three years.

[genderqueerdykes]

people ask me why i want to identify as both a trans man & a lesbian a lot. as a naturally masculine intersex afab & trans man who knew they weren't a "normal girl" from the getgo in childhood, i had lesbianism weaponized against me my entire youth. people would call me butch like it was a bad thing, call me a dyke, lezzie, lesbo, whatever, accuse me and my then-best friend of dating because we were both "girls". people wanted me to be a lesbian so bad because it was something to hate. if i showed interest in being attracted to women, which i did, it was bad

being a lesbian is not something to hate. being butch is not something to hate. being a dyke is not something to hate. being a masculine intersex or afab person is not something to hate. i LIKE being a masculine iafab person. i LIKE being a butch nonbinary gnc genderqueer person. i LIKE being a dyke. and i am attracted to women, and i feel like my attraction to women has always been queer/sapphic. my attraction to men as a man has always been queer/gay. it's okay for me to differentiate and distinguish these experiences, and it's okay to have multiple modes of expression and identity.

it's okay for me to like being a lesbian and a gay man. i am a bigender genderqueer nonbinary person. it's okay for me to want to and to be both. it's okay for these to be two of my modalities of expression and presentation and experience. it's okay for me to like and embrace both of these experiences. and want to accept as much of myself as i can, especially if parts of it were weaponized against me.

it's okay for you to do the same. it's okay for you to also embrace parts of yourself that society tried to make you hate. even if it's under the wrong framing, even if they're not interpreting you right, it's okay to embrace that for the sake of your healing if it feels right and good to you. it's okay to reclaim that experience and include it into your identity if it feels like you. it's okay to want to be and enjoy being something that you've been told is bad.

[batshape]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤

thank you @samarqqand for the tag!! i spent the last two years finishing my masters, writing papers and proposals and a thesis etc, so i’ve been largely ficced out for a long time. but these five are my most darling works, and i will inevitably write more lesbian feanor/nerdanel, because i am addicted to dyke drama and they do it so well.

unfortunately, my two year break from writing fic also coincided with a very long sabbatical from reading fic, and i am desperate to catch up on the everybody’s greatest hits. tagging @i-am-a-lonely-visitor, @undercat-overdog, @crackinthecup, @aipilosse, and @potatoobsessed999 (but if you’ve already done it, feel free to do it again or to ignore)

now in no particular order (at least that i’ll admit), my top fic self-recs:

1. affectation: celebrimbor/annatar, t, 5k words, content warning for inevitable gore and torture mentions

Annatar knew the irritation in his own expression, could taste the disdain in his mouth. He said, rather plainly, “Celebrimbor of Eregion. I am going to eat you.”

i was taking a seminar on archive theory when i wrote this, and the idea of sauron curating an archive of things he took from celebrimbor’s rooms and personal library after his ruin of ost-in-edhil got its teeth into me. the archive building ended up mostly off-screen; instead annatar begrudgingly advises grad students, discovers archive anthrax, and is overall too familiar with his most tolerable colleague.

2. little tenderness: feanor/nerdanel, e, 4k

“Is it not exhausting to imagine abandonment around every darkened corner, wife of mine?”

feanor and nerdanel have t4t lesbian divorce sex following feanor’s exile to formenos. nothing is resolved, and arguably they both get worse. feanor’s missed character potential as a genderfucked lesbian with the same extremely large chips on her shoulder regarding primogeniture, her sons, and high kingship still regularly turns my own brain to soup.

3. letter 97: fingon/maedhros but also gen, t, 9k

“Still the question remains,” Maedhros continued tranquilly, “whether you were offended on my behalf or on yours, when you were accused of keeping a monster leashed for your own amusement.”

the elfschatology one! featuring my own wretched and reprehensible darling, an orc angband escapee doing a little bit of an anthropological study abroad. fingon visits maedhros in himring, wrestles with both his own and maedhros’ wartime uncertainties on what makes an elf, what makes an orc, and what an end to a war would even mean if they made if there. ‘so you want to understand your monstrous boyfriend’s lukewarm concern for his immortal soul,’ a generally unhelpful how-to

4. on gold, and the wearing of red: caranthir & maedhros, g, 4k

“My messengers wear gold in their mouths,” he said curtly, and his brother flashed him a brief smile. The gold of Maedhros’ own teeth shone in firelight.

caranthir’s pre-nirnaeth relationship with his eldest brother as demonstrated through the fashion trends he disapproves of, the ones he adopts himself, and the ones he actively enables. maedhros is more than a little monstrous and simultaneously very beloved by his men and his little brother both. in other words, the sharp teeth fic.

5. to my father’s house: caranthir & finrod, t, 17.5k (4 chapters), content warning for major character death and gore

“It is not a very long dream. There is a servant atop the stairs with a carafe, and one of your brothers is giving a toast, though in the middle of it the servant drops the carafe and—” He gestures vaguely. “—wine, all down the stairs.”

caranthir and his damnably likeable arafinwean cousin, until both their deaths. in which caranthir is also cursed with perhaps the most useless gift of foresight in first age history, and dreams since childhood of the various ways in which he could, would, and ultimately does die. relatedly, there is something so special to me about a man who does fiber arts and is also unfalteringly miserable.

you can find the rest of my fic at ao3 under batshape.

[princehatterene]

are you wondering which of my octo ocs i ship together? of COURSE you are!!

learn more below!!!

camil/tybalt: what if we kissed on the crossroads of life…and we were both lesbians with weird genders? 😳

oliver/twyla: theater kids gotta stick together!!

twyla/her accused-of-heresy childhood best friend: his name is symon btw. twy and sy :D

camil/twyla: i really like the thought of camil being twy’s bisexual awakening lol. camil smiles at her once and she’s like “wait do i like girls???”

oliver/hawkin: grump/sunshine but make it t4t

orietta/penelope: ruthless in different ways. ori nags penny about rushing into battle without thinking but it’s cuz she cares

tybalt/his childhood best friend that’s trying to drag him back into knighthood: they don’t have a name yet but these two have an alfyn/zeph thing going on believe me

i don’t ship andreas with anyone in the main group romantically but he loves them all platonically :) maybe he’ll meet someone in his main story

[jurassicworldtieindrpepper]

Reading List

to be updated constantly

Articles:

"Why Women Online Can’t Stop Reading Fairy Porn" by C.T. Jones for Rolling Stone

"They Called 911 for Help. Police and Prosecutors Used a New Junk Science to Decide They Were Liars." by Brett Murphy for ProPublica

"‘I Think My Husband Is Trashing My Novel on Goodreads!’" by Emily Gould for The Cut

"Woman in Retrograde" by Isabel Cristo for The Cut

"The unwanted Spanish soccer kiss is textbook male chauvinism. Don’t excuse it" by Moira Donegan for the Guardian

"I Started the Media Men List" by Moira Donegan for The Cut

"What Moira Donegan Did for Young Women Writers" by Jordana Rosenfeld for The Nation

"The Key Detail Missing From the Narrative About O.J. and Race" by Joel Anderson for Slate

"The Coiled Ferocity of Zendaya" by Matt Zoller Seitz for Vulture

"OJ Simpson died the comfortable death in old age that Nicole Brown should have had" by Moira Donegan for The Guardian

"Norm Macdonald Was the Hater O.J. Simpson Could Never Outrun" by Miles Klee for Rolling Stone

"Trans Stylists and Makeup Artists Are Reshaping Red Carpet Looks. Will They Get the Credit They’re Due?" by James Factora

"The ‘perfect Aryan’ child used in Nazi propaganda was actually Jewish" by Terrence McCoy for The Washington Post

"There Are Too Many Books; Or, Publishing Shouldn’t Be All About Quantity" by Maris Kreizman for Literary Hub

"An O.J. Juror on What The People v. O.J. Simpson Got Right and Wrong" by Ashley Reese for Vulture

"Super Cute Please Like" by Nicole Lipman for N + 1 Magazine

Essays:

Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture edited by Roxanne Gay

Creep: Accusations and Confessions by Myriam Gurba

"On Chappell Roan and Gen Z Pop" by Miranda Reinert

"In Memory of Nicole Brown Simpson" by Andrea Dworkin

"My Gender Is Dyke" by Alexandria Juarez for Autostraddle

"Columnists and Their Lives of Quiet Desperation" by Hamilton Nolan

Nonfiction:

Belabored: A Vindication of the Rights of Pregnant Women by Lyz Lenz

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life by Lyz Lenz

The Gentrification of the Mind: Witness to a Lost Imagination by Sarah Schulman

Savage Appetites: Four True Stories of Women, Crime, and Obsession by Rachel Monroe

The Sexual Politics of Meat: A Feminist-Vegetarian Critical Theory by Carol J. Adams

Eros the Bittersweet by Anne Carson

Who Owns This Sentence? A History of Copyrights and Wrongs by David Bellos & Alexandre Montagu

The Once and Future Sex: Going Medieval on Women's Roles in Society by Eleanor Janega

Moby Dyke: An Obsessive Quest to Track Down the Last Remaining Lesbian Bars in America by Krista Burton

University of Nike: How Corporate Cash Bought American Higher Education by Joshua Hunt

What it Feels Like for a Girl by Paris Lees

Female Masculinity by J. Jack Halberstam

The Theory of Everything Else: A Voyage Into the World of the Weird by Dan Schreiber

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

Better Living Through Birding: Notes from a Black Man in the Natural World by Christian Cooper

Rivermouth: A Chronicle of Language, Faith, and Migration by Alejandra Oliva

Unlikeable Female Characters: The Women Pop Culture Wants You to Hate by Anna Bogutskaya

Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood by Trevor Noah

Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson

The Lady from the Black Lagoon: Hollywood Monsters and the Lost Legacy of Milicent Patrick by Mallory O'Meara

Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End by Atul Gawande

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg

Eyeliner: A Cultural History by Zahra Hankir

Against Technoableism: Rethinking Who Needs Improvement by Ashley Shew

The Wager: A Tale of Shipwreck, Mutiny and Murder by David Grann

Know My Name by Chanel Miller

Empire of Pain: The Secret History of the Sackler Dynasty by Patrick Radden Keefe

Novelist as a Vocation by Haruki Murakami

Rape-Revenge Films: A Critical Study by Alexandra Heller-Nicholas

Fiction:

To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

Middlemarch by George Eliot

Just as You Are by Camille Kellogg

Just Happy to Be Here by Naomi Kanakia

The Misadventures of an Amateur Naturalist by Ceinwen Langley

Family Meal by Bryan Washington

Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton

The Mountain in the Sea by Ray Nayler

Ring Shout by P. Djèlí Clark

My Heart Is a Chainsaw by Stephen Graham Jones

An Island Princess Starts a Scandal by Adriana Herrera

Blackouts by Justin Torres

We Do What We Do in the Dark by Michelle Hart

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

Less Is Lost by Andrew Sean Greer

The Faithless by C.L. Clark

Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir

The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang

The Disenchantments by Nina LaCour

Everything Leads to You by Nina LaCour

Bliss Montage by Ling Ma

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

The Institute by Stephen King

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke

Frankenstein: Junji Ito Story Collection by Junji Ito

Her Body and Other Parties: Stories by Carmen Maria Machado

Young Mungo by Douglas Stuart

The Dark Forest by Liu Cixin

Snuff by Terry Pratchett

Travelers Along the Way: A Robin Hood Remix by Aminah Mae Safi

Only a Monster by Vanessa Len

[eightfifteen]

genuinely don't mean this to be rude, I'm actually asking because I don't understand. I love mike like he's one of my favorite characters and I love how complex he is, I'm just unsure how he could be 'right' in the rain scene? and I don't understand what will did wrong, again this is not hate but I love hearing other people's pov of things ^^

of course i don't mind explaining but it's also not supposed to be a black-and-white statement so don't take it too seriously - there's a million interpretations and mine is just one of them. I just mean that Mike didn't mean what he said maliciously, and he was right to point out Will's issues with the girls - he just had no idea how loaded that sentence really was.

Will was being inconsiderate. He was right to be upset about Mike and Lucas' behavior, but let's face that he'd also been dismissive of Mike's feelings for days at this point. Just because his feelings hit close to home for many of us, doesn't mean that Mike's feelings were any less valid.

I say this as someone who was deeply repressed at age 13 and just like Will used to be unfairly dismissive and rude about my friends' crushes and boyfriends. I see that as a huge part as to why I grew apart with my childhood best friend, and that was all my fault. If my friend would have called me out on my dislike of boys - a, it wouldn't have been because she was accusing me of being a lesbian (trust me she would have never thought to go there) (even though she totally should have lmao), and b, she would have been right to call me out on it because i was being an obnoxious brat. Just. Like. Will. (lovingly in his case because I do believe Will is allowed to do whatever he wants)

[sameoldrigmarole]

We need to talk about Friend-zoning

No one will read this, but I need to get it off my chest. Friend-zoning needs to stop.

In the recent past, I changed jobs. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. However, to an ex-coworker, this apparently made me a target.

I’ve known this boy (I call men, men, when they act like it) for 4 years. I’ve never treated him any different than any other person I’ve worked with. Because I wasn’t a raging bitch to him from the start we just have a “connection”.

It started with him texting me when he was drunk. I’d blow it off and tell him to sleep it off. It progressed to texting me at a work function I was invited to while his wife was on his arm (did I mention he was married?). I again asked him how many drinks he’d had and when he insisted he was being sincere I, gently but firmly, told him we would never be more than friends.

The way he turned so quickly. “I really feel a connection with you and I know you feel it too.” Strike one was telling me how I should feel. He only knows me through work. He’s never seen the real me. Honestly strike one should have been trying to hit me up when he’s MARRIED. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Then he tried to imply I wasn’t interested in men. Like there’s no way in the world he could ever be turned down, I must be a lesbian. Sir, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’d honestly prefer a woman to speaking with you at this point. But I’m asexual. I don’t give a shit about anybody, but that’s none of your damn business and I don’t have to explain myself to you. Not to mention he’s 13 years my senior and MARRIED. Strike two.

I SAID NO. But when has that EVER been enough.

He started texting me in the middle of the night last weekend. I realized the day was coming where I was going to have to be professionally mean. I didn’t respond to the texts stating that he wanted to see me “can you get away?” As if I’m the one that’s sneaking around. He texts again two days later “why didn’t you text me back?” I was sleeping and I don’t owe you anything! He had the audacity to tell me there was no way I was asleep. Boy! I’ve made every decision to NOT have you in my bed. Are you seriously trying to tell me why I didn’t respond.

And you’re thinking. Why entertain this? Why don’t you just tell him to fuck off? Well, the industry I’m in, I can’t lose the connections I have at my old job. Not in a bad way at least. So I’m doing everything I can to not turn this into a bad situation for either of us. I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s life here.

TODAY he texts me while I’m at work in meetings all day. “Let’s go get a drink tonight.” I didn’t respond right away. I’m at work. I don’t have time for the bullshit. If no one’s dying, I’ll talk to you later. This fucker texts me an hour later saying “I’ll take that as a no, sorry I won’t bother you anymore.”

Strike three.

One thing that people don’t know/understand about me, I do everything I can to make time for people. I’ve always felt like I’ve bothered those around me. Call it childhood trauma or whatever. This was possibly one of the worst things someone could say to me. I go out of my way to make sure people don’t think I’m bothered by them. This was my tipping point. It infuriated me and I don’t take things sitting down. I put it out there. Told him I wasn’t going to apologize for not getting back to him when I was at work. I’m neither his wife or girlfriend. I owe him nothing. I’ve now said multiple times that this wouldn’t go further than a friendship and I’d hoped that he would respect me enough to accept that and not accuse me of being bothered by him when I make time for people when it’s genuine. And I told him that saying that and treating me this way hurt and I don’t deserve it.

He went off. Apologizing if I misunderstood him and telling me that he would appreciate it if i stopped speaking about it because it’s getting around the office. Boy! I’ve spoken to you. Sorry if you can’t stop running your mouth. And what’s with the gaslighting. I have the receipts. There’s no misunderstanding what you were doing.

But back to the main topic. The whole time he accused me of friend-zoning him. Because I was friendly? Because I listen when people talk? I never asked for anything from him. Never lead him into thinking that this was anything more than friendship, but I’m doing him wrong because I didn’t give in and go out with him? I cared more about my female coworkers than I ever did about him, but I’m the problem because he’s delusional?

Stop saying you’re friend-zoned. YOU misinterpreted a situation. It sucks. It doesn’t feel good. But just own up to it!

We are not to blame for your hurt feelings if we didn’t know or reciprocate them in any way.

I refuse to be villainized because I didn’t go along with a predators schemes. Because that’s all this was. He was trying to manipulate me into doing something that I didn’t want to do. Does that make men feel better? Having a girl give you a sympathy lay because they feel bad for you? Does that not make you feel as small as you are?

Get yourself out of the damn friend-zone and grow the fuck up.

[spookieloop]

Alright, so in honor of Sherlock Holmes becoming public domain, I’ve accidentally spent the last hour (as of the time of writing this I have been awake for an hour and four minutes) just RAPIDLY spawning my own Sherlock Holmes Meets Dracula story out of thin air on accident by a series of What Ifs that Spiraled out of control. The Crux of the story revolves around Holmes and Dracula(not exactly canon OG Dracula, but portrayed heavily as a fucking loser—I cannot stress enough WHAT a fucking loser he is) teaming up to take down Jack The Ripper—as The Ripper was my PRIMARY hyperfixation through my childhood and teenage years, and I feel I can finally use all that weird background knowledge.

I’m going to bullet out points for the story, apologies if it doesn’t make perfect sense—I am putting it under a cut because it will get LONG.

• Sherlock is an autistic He/Him Lesbian; specifically He/Him because I want him being a woman to fly under the radar of Victorian Cops who would disrespect him for being a woman(I want them just to hate him for being smarter than them, and have NO idea that he’s a woman).

• Mary Kelly will have been Sherlock’s best friend, through whom he became acquainted with her estranged half-brother, John Watson, a gay war veteran who vehemently hates the monarchy and is prone to “Wild” conspiracy theories about Queen Victoria harvesting the organs of the impoverished for lavish and perverse purposes.

• Holmes and Watson team up to solve the murder of his sister and hopefully stop her killer from continuing his rampage through the streets of Whitechapel.

• This is how they will have their first run-in with Dracula, who disappears mysteriously when Watson straight up pulls a gun on him. (Much later at a crucial point in the story the gun will be revealed to be unloaded, as Watson’s PTSD deters him from actually using firearms; I do think he’ll get to bludgeon The Ripper to death with the gun toward the end of the story though)

• I think the gun should belong to his lover who was killed during the war in a “Friendly Fire” incident, which led to his own discharge.

• Dracula will be in England SPECIFICALLY because he was forced out of Romania by fed up Romanians and a particularly ferocious Convent of Nuns. Dracula will be copycatting a VARIETY of local serial killers in the Whitechapel area to lay low and feed—this is to account for the strongly held belief that The Ripper had an active copycat DURING the Ripper Murders.

• A convent in the area will be absolutely enthralled by Sherlock—the most important to the story nun will be Liska, a transfer from the very same convent that wrecked Dracula’s shit, and he will rightly be terrified of her.

• Dracula and Holmes will end up teaming up when it becomes clear that The Ripper is doing his killings/collecting the organs for some kind of fucked up supernatural purpose that would be Very Bad for Dracula and also perhaps The World(I have not decided what this is yet) and perhaps will be payrolled by The Crown, but that detail wouldn’t become clear until later. I will take any opportunity to dunk on the British Monarchy.

• Holmes will consult the convent OFTEN, much to Dracula’s horror, and Liska will be ACHING to join them.

• Liska was transferred to England in the first place because she had a “Dangerous Inflation of The Ego” after chasing Dracula from Romania and was accused of being “Too Bold in her Actions”, so she was sent to England because she had become too much of a rockstar to the local WLW population.

• Holmes has no idea he’s seduced Liska until she’s kissing him and locking the door, because we LOVE clueless lesbians and I am a SLUT for historical lesbians who enter convents to avoid marriage.

• Also BECAUSE The Ripper murders where my primary hyperfixation back in the day, a SIGNIFICANT portion of the book will be dedicated to Dunking on George Lusk—the fucking Moron British Chief of Police who refused to use the more advanced Forensic Techniques the French had because he considered it “Voodoo Witchcraft”(likely why The Ripper was able to get away with his killings in the first place).

• Dracula will sweat BULLETS when one of the cops fearfully suggests “Maybe it’s Vampires”, but Lusk will react like “Don’t be a fucking idiot”, to highlight that his superstitions about Forensics are less about ACTUAL belief, more about a smug conservative arrogance against using modern techniques, and science in general.

• Sometimes, a friendgroup can be an Ancient Bisexual Loser Vampire, an Autistic He/Him Lesbian, A Monarchy Hating Gay War Veteran, and a Rockstar Nun. And they ALL hate the cops.

• If I mention the OG Dracula Squad at all, it will be a brief cameo of Lucy Westenra living her best life, because she deserves an adaptation in which she simply gets to be happy.

• UPDATE: I have decided what the ritual The Ripper is attempting is. He is “Sacrificing” the wombs of his victims to creating a “Birthing Pit” for the apocalypse. Queen Victoria herself is behind this because she wants the world to end with her reign. Perhaps there will be an absolutely horrific scene toward the end where we see Victoria still alive but with the open gory wound of her own womb having been Rippered, where she will have a monologue about the Glorious End to a World that was Hers.