#my life is a fucking lie

[malhare]

I've avoided driving as much as possible the past four years because I'm like "no I can't I'm afraid of driving" but I've driven myself to and from work the last few days with literally zero anxiety ???¿¿¿

[dullahandyke]

where r my horrible histories books girlies at

[chekovscaramelcurls]

bruhhhh i was told my whole life that i’m a-positive blood type and there was nothing else i could possibly be except for a very slim chance of o-positive blood type

and then i got a home blood test thingy and i’m fucking a-negative

what the fuck

and my mom was like “aw maaan i didn’t want u to be a-negative, i knew there was a chance but i didn’t want u to be”

like?? ma’am what????

sing it with me

LIFE OF A BASTARD IS THE LIFE OF THE FEW—

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

im a simple guy! i think about puppy Barnaby. i promptly explode into bloody heart-shaped confetti

[maburito]

What???!

WHAT???

[uncanny-tranny]

I've found the same people who claim a trans person is making being trans their "whole personality" are the same people who quite literally cannot see past a person's transness - in fact, that's the only thing they will see.

[raeofgayshine]

Bruce Wayne, drunk and full on Brucie mood in the middle of a gala: You know, that accent doesn’t really fit in around here. It’s cute. Where are you from?

Clark, internally debating every life choice that led him to this moment: I’m from Smallville. Kansas.

Bruce, leaning closer to Clark with a flirty smile: Oh you’re cute and funny. You know, I like that in a man.

Clark, very confused but trying to just go along with it: Thank you??

Bruce: I mean, everyone knows that Kansas isn’t real but I do always enjoy a good laugh.

Clark: What.

Bruce: What? Everyone knows that Kansas was made up for Wizard of Oz.

Clark, unsure if Bruce is fucking with him or if he’s just really deep into this dumb act: Bruce, Kansas is a real place. It’s one of the 50 states that make up America.

Bruce, tilting his head a little confused: There’s 50 states? Since when?

[astronomodome]

the king's burden

[sergle]

I think my favorite thing about doing ginger red hair instead of cherry red hair is: lying to people about it

[crybaby-bkg]

have u ever considered gojo trying to tease you about how into it you get whenever you suck him off, but how flustered he gets when you admit yeah, I like it more than I thought i would, mainly because it’s you, because you’re so pretty to look up at, you always treats me so well when I’m on my knees for you. now you’ve killed him, especially with the way you’ve been touching yourself all the while running your tongue up at that one vein on his shaft. dead. gone and buried.

[frnkiebby]

frank pls.~🎃

[chiquilines]

I really wish i gave a shit about anyone other than them, but i dont

[incorrect-mighty-nein]

Molly: why would I fuck a demon? Simple; the status. Imagine rolling into hell already having your back blown out by one of their own. Imagine you and a gang of other losers standing at the gates of hell, they’re all crying, scared to death about having a pitchfork up their ass for all eternity and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon? Legendary

The Nein:

Beau: are you SURE you want this one?

Caleb:

Caleb: well…

[todayisafridaynight]

[del-stars]

it's me again! ch 2 of dreaming of after coming in the next couple days, here's a little excerpt for u all:

"Oh Christ, Lupin," Sirius rolled his eyes, throwing open the silverware drawer and fetching a fork.  "Thank god," Remus said, grabbing the fork and leaning across the island to dig into Sirius' container. "Sorry, mate, I'm starving." "You just ate, didn't you?" Sirius asked incredulously, to which Remus just shrugged. The man's appetite had always astounded him. Since they were kids, Remus ate about twice as much as the rest of them, always trailing behind to finish someone’s leftovers. "Are you driving back to your parents' tonight?" Remus groaned around the noodles he'd shoved in his mouth. "Traffic was bloody awful. Complete nightmare. Do you mind?" Sirius felt his heart stutter. Here they were, acting so casual and familiar with one another, like absolutely nothing had happened. How long would it last? If Remus spent the night, would he end up angry at Sirius by morning? Or could they pretend until he left again? "It's your house, Remus," Sirius said softly, "you don't need to ask." Remus struggled down a swallow. "Right. Thanks." An unbearably awkward silence grew before them. They took turns pulling bites out of the container, Sirius’ small and manageable while Remus shoved his mouth full every single time. For a long moment, the only sound was their forks scraping against the cardboard and subsequent chewing. Then, they both spoke at once. "So I'll be--" "Do we still have that bottle of wine?" "Um, what?" Sirius furrowed his brow, a bit shocked by the question.  "You know, the one we were saving for 'a nice occasion,'" Remus said, putting air quotes around the phrase. "Figure this is as good an opportunity as any." Sirius was both honored and heartbroken. Honored, because Remus was willing to share a bottle of wine with him, and heartbroken, because he was right-- they weren't really ever going to have a nice occasion again, not one they'd be celebrating together. So, yes, it was as good an opportunity as any. The bottle went embarrassingly fast. Before Sirius quite knew what was happening, they were red wine-drunk together on the couch, faces flushed, legs tangled together. And then they were kissing on the couch. And then Remus’ mouth was on his neck, his freakishly large hands bracketing his waist. And then Sirius was in the air, being carried into their bedroom as he licked into Remus’ mouth, his hands knotted in Remus’ hair. And then Remus was kneeling above him on the bed, hair mussed and lips red and eyes shot through with desire, and Sirius was a weak, weak man.

[dootznbootz]

I'm going feral again with a silly headcanon.

I just had that post on how Odysseus made Puzzles for himself and Penelope and I have another idea and I'm just really excited to share it lksdjf

I basically plan to have this man in love with Penelope within 10 mins (I HAVE A PLAN! It sounds crazy but I think it'll work. Plus these two are reckless and young when married. His first crush and he's not handling it well.)

This is them. Or at the very least Penelope is definitely playing it off very nonchalantly and is kind of messing around at first, thinking that the "trickster" is "not being genuine" when he's never been more genuine in his life. She can see right through all his lies and bullshit and basically forces him to be vulnerable, something he loves yet is TERRIFIED of. Especially as she "unmasked" him so quickly (and tricked HIM.😉 Won't say how. no spoilers yet) and so effortlessly and he's just a MESS. Athena isn't helping and just watches them both fumble around, even when Odysseus is asking for some guidance, Athena just smiles and is all like "I'm the Goddess of Wisdom, not of Love. Figure it out yourself." (PENELOPE IS JUST AS MUCH OF A BLORBO TO HER AS ODYSSEUS IS, YOU COWARDS!)

(Art by isei-silva right here on tumblr! Their post! )

I won't go into huge details. I WILL write this fic someday and I need to leave SOME things a surprise. But KNOW this man will be pulling out all the stops trying to impress her and tries to show all the things he's good at and one will be his "puzzle making".

He'll bring a puzzle to her TRYING to talk all "suave" (he'll be semi-tongue tied. Something that he's not used to and is annoyed that he can't seem to think around her)

It'll probably have a little gift inside and he'll be chatting away about how he worked hard to make it and that there's a trick to it and blah blah blah

Penelope: Oh! There's (some sort of treat or gift) inside!

Odysseus: Wait, you solved it already?

Penelope,🤨: Yes. All you have to do is this.

Odysseus, falling (more like sprinting at this point) further in love but also mad his plan to woo her didn't work: Well... Yeah. That's a gift for you.

He's trying SOOOO hard but he has to stop "showboating" to genuinely impress her. Man has to be fucking vulnerable for her to be impressed by him because she already can read his "tells" on when he's pulling something. No more "tricks". Be yourself, you fucking idiot >:D