#incorrect batman quotes

[everwalldigan]

Ok but what if Cass my chronically online princess picks up some of the modern slang and makes it her mission to use it at the most inappropriate times (wether she’s aware she’s doing it or not is up to you)

Cass, complimenting a meal: whoever made this needs to get their ass ate

Bruce: *has a stroke on the spot*

Cass, looking at a unconscious beaten up Jason in the medbay: where’s the girl with the list

Cass, humming while tying up a cannibalistic cult: big back big back, big back big back

Villain: *monologuing about their motives and they awful life that lead them to villainy*

Cass: skill issue

Cass, nodding while drenched in blood after a fight: serving so much cunt

Steph: hell yeah you are!!

[arguablysomaya]

tim: fuck u all for having fun rn while i have to go to work kon: where do u work?? tim: bruce's company bart: nepotism tim: oh i've got that cassie: nepotism? tim: something tism cassie: oh im sure you do pal

[tiger-grace]

Jason, sighing and sitting down wearily: Another day, another dollar

Tim: You're unemployed??

Jason: Being a crimeboss basically makes me an essential worker in this city!

Tim, slowly moving away: I think looking into therapy would be a better use of essential work..

Jason: America may run on Dunkin’, but Gotham runs on mentally unstable criminals in power, and I’m the furthest thing from an exception.

[incorrectgotham]

Jason: I've never felt so low in my life.

Bruce: Well, Jason, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you.

Jason: It doesn't.

Bruce:

Jason: But thanks, Bruce.

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[galaxymagitech]

Bruce: Congratulations, Jason! You’re the first of my kids to graduate college!

Dick: Yeah, first and only one for all eternity!

Bruce: *Ignoring Dick by sheer willpower* Anyway, what are you planning to do next?

Jason: I think I’m going to continue my education in English Lit.

Bruce: *nervously* Great. You’ll get a Master’s Degree, right?

Jason: …

Bruce: …right?

Jason: Actually, I’m going for a PhD.

Bruce: This is a terrible joke. You’re over the supervillainy, right, Jay?

Jason: Look, my application to GothamU’s PhD program was accepted!

Bruce: No child! Of mine! Will get! A PhD!!!

Jason: I’m hoping to be a literature professor at GothamU, if I survive long enough.

Bruce: *screams incoherently*

Dick: I think you broke him.

[goodoldfashionedengineer]

The only time when all the batkids will work together in perfect harmony is to prank Bruce.

And for the best prank all they needed was a few label makers.

Labels are put on everything.

On every mug, on every plate, on every bandaid package.

The chocolate bars are labeled "BatSnack".

The fruits become "Batana", "Batricot" and "Batermelon".

Every button on the microwave, every key on the keyboard, it all gets a label.

"Batstop button", "Batstart button", "Bat-A-key", Bat-Enter-key".

Bruce's desk isn't simply the "Batdesk". It is the "Batwood construction surface".

There is a label beneath the desk too.

Originally named "underside of Batwood construction surface".

It takes days, weeks, months to remove all the labels.

Until one day, when Bruce makes a few new installations in the cave.

Surely some higher being is laughing at him right now, Bruce thinks, as he pulls of the last one.

"Batceiling"

[91-1lover]

What if Damian and Tim love each other and even like? It's just more of a situation "Manipulating others is easier ". Maybe an example will help;

Damian: Father, May I go to Zoo today?

Bruce:No Damian, you're grounded.

Tim:Oh, that's bad. I could go with you to take photos of otter, but if you are not going I think I will stay too. What's a zoo without company. Maybe I will go with Kon next week.

Bruce *Super happy in a moment of thinking his youngest kids getting along*: If you two agree not to kill each other, Damian can go

Tim and Damian:*Knowing looks*

Or situation like;

Tim who has abandoned issues and is having fear of people leaving him: Dick is mad at me. Can you stab me so he will be in his mother hen mode Instead?

Damian who would like to have 5 minutes of peace from Grayson: Say no more

[headcanonthings]

Dick: I think a magical girl transformation would fix me. Jason: I think killing a titan would fix me. Tim: You want to be isekai'd so bad you look stupid. Clark: What are these words? Bruce: Don't ask.

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Clark (as a reporter): Mr. Wayne, have you ever thought of having more children?

Bruce: You mean, adopting?

Clark: Adopting. Abducting. However you got the last four.

Bruce: …

[batcavescolony]

Red Hood: Kill the joker!

Batman: I can't kill the joker

Jim Gordon:(who only heard Batman say kill the joker) *busting in* NO! WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. Batman doesn't kill, I fired bullets at you last time to get you to stop. You did this for me Im doing this for you! Back away from the clown and-

Red Hood: ???

Batman: it's not for lack of trying

Red Hood:...

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

[sodamnbored]

Damian, entering the living room: Oh, Drake. I didn’t realise you were here too.

Tim, distracted on his phone on the couch: Yeah, best WiFi around. Keeping busy?

Damian, looking in cupboards and chandeliers for acrobatic older brothers: Looking for Dick.

Tim absently, not looking up from Grindr: Mm, me too.

[ryemiffie]

More stuff from my day as batfam incorrect quotes:

Batman: I would never betray you!

Red hood, pointing at Tim: Then what's that?!

Tim: ...

Batman: A complication.

Red hood: A complication?! It's a child!

Batman: Well I see that!

Tim, talking to Jason: Oh you don't have to be offended, he doesn't know how I got here.

Red hood:

Batman: I don't!

Tim:

Red hood:

Batman: It's actually kinda unsettling, how did you get here?

Tim: I followed the voices.

Batman: Oh, I didn't realise we were being that loud.

Tim: No no, not your voices, the voices.

Red hood:

Batman:

Red hood: should we be worried or-

[incorrectgotham]

[Jason on the phone with Bruce] Jason: Turn around. Jason: No, the other way. Jason: Again, the other way. Jason: No, not there, one more time! Bruce: OH MY GOD WHERE ARE YOU??? Jason: I'm not there yet, but the thought of you aimlessly turning around in circles amuses me.

[thebat-musicman]

Dick: We’re going to be working with Jason today.

Tim: Jason? Didn’t the Joker kill him?

Dick: I’ll ask.

Dick, yelling: HEY JASON DID THE JOKER MURDER YOU?!

Jason, from the other room: YEAH!

Dick: See?

Tim: That answered none of my questions.