#personal trauma dumping

[borderlesbian]

i've never got the time to be a child and now that i grew i'm a child in the body of an adult

[suratan-zir]

I'm just here to post this photo I took today, that's all. Look at these cuties. My heart...^_^

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

[lethal-spaceship]

Boy failure Dipper Pines.

[travelingtwentysomething]

🌚Am I The Asshole?🌝

🤘Touch anything underlined to be linked to the fic🤘

This is the ask I sent around to a few people who reblogged @dynamic-power post about Spideypoolverine x Harringroveson crossover which inspired me to write a one shot which I posted under that post. I wanted to spread the word a bit, share it with some people who might Reblog it.

But it seems like I offended someone bad enough that they're in my dms lecturing me on it. And I responded just a tad sarcastically but I don't feel like it's anyone's place to police how you share and build community here. As long as you're not bothering anyone and not spamming people.

Clearly, I accidentally sent the ask to this person twice, and they were bothered. So I apologized and I thought that was that. But am I in the wrong here? What do you think?

Btw thanks @sex-drugz-rockroll for sharing the link and answering the ask I sent you🤗

[teenybratt]

helppp I get so TURNED ON BY BULLYING 💀 you hate me so much that you wanna hurt me?? You want to humiliate me and make me cry? You want me to hate myself to the point where I want to never show my face in public?? Babe that’s so hotttt 😭

[florallylly]

modern au stobin where they both have fan accounts in a shared fandom (in my head it's women's soccer bc like. steve for the glory of the sport and it's more exciting/compelling. robin for obvious reasons). MAYBE robin thinking steve's a girl at first bc of the general demographic

anyways i think i still want there to be canonisms bc imagining steve posting smth like "from experience, third degree concussions SUCK" and robin being ? steve in response drops major lore like "plate smashed over my head. hurt like a mf"

robin finds out her coworker steve harrington is her mutual bc he posts a pic of the scoops uniform laid out like complaining about how stupid it looks. consider... CONSIDER...

[variksel]

ep 2 of my 6th s1 dndads relisten: im gonna say somethin controversial but. i think they really got their groove and energy in episode 2 (the gartok debacle)

[many-but-one]

Me: surely I am handling this trauma anniversary like a champ

Also me: in so much pain I can hardly move around my house

Also me: “mood swings” every 20-30 minutes ranging from “dissociated haze” to “wow life is great I’m so glad to be alive” to “I should’ve died over a decade ago” to “if I could plausibly rip my skin off I would do it right now” to “wait am I actually alive” all the way back around to “dissociated haze”

Also me: can’t go to bed until it gets light outside, struggles to sleep when it’s light outside

Also me: randomly gets an intense urge to just scream as loud as I can with all the anguish my entire being can hold and then some…only for it to vanish before I can even open my mouth. Every couple hours or so

Also me: so stressed I have a rash all over my arms, the skin on my face and scalp are sloughing off in chunks, I’m having a constant pounding heartbeat, and my anxiety meds aren’t touching this level of stress :’)

Also me: randomly forgets I even have a serious trauma anniversary right now and wonders why I feel like shit (do I have a cold? Did I exercise too much?) no dumbass the body keeps the score and the mind and the body are wholly interconnected. lucky you! It came free with the fuckin’ child-torture-fueled tragic backstory your dad concocted with a goddamn cult

Me: oh maybe I’m not handling this as well as I thought

[whos-that-demon]

I believe that a lot of able bodied people do not know the true body horror and medical trauma that a lot of disabled people go through as kids and as adults. And I’m glad they do not know that, but damn it’s annoying af and is one of the few things that makes me pissed.

I had ethanol injected into my face, was poked and prodded by 20 medical students at once when I was a kid, was denied pain medication when I had pain that was worse than being stabbed, and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

And I have friends with many similar stories and I’m sure you all have similar stories as well, please feel free to share them if comfortable or spread this post around.

Being disabled isn’t something cute for your inspiration porn. It’s traumatizing in a lot of cases. And yes it is worse than the shit shown in fiction.

Able bodied people are welcome to signal boost but don’t clown on here

[highlordofkrypton]

Re: romantic affection

@peoplesidk, I'm gonna reply to your question here instead of reblogging bc I prefer just having mutuals see. This got long, I'm so sorry, you don't have to read the whole things.

I don't mind expanding on my second point, I'm not sure if it's relatable because it's 100% my personal issues that I am working through slowly but surely. I just hope that if anyone sees this (since it's public, and esp if they're not my mutuals!), they have the empathy to understand that it's not a debate, it's personal, if you know what I mean. BUT if it does help someone, then this is why I'm reblogging!!

tw: trauma dump? kind of?

So, I was raised in an environment that I didn't even know was considered "abusive" and or "neglectful" until much later in life when I found out I was depressed and sought help at school w/ their free therapy. Also, I still don't think it was that abusive or neglectful, some of it was just two people doing the best they can with the tools they had in an unfamiliar place.

Context:

I have no siblings, I am the eldest child born in a 'first world country' to the 'eldest child' of my mother's family (and my father was the first of his family to come here as well). Both of them achieved amazing things in helping their numerous siblings get a better life, etc. That said, not only was I parentified (bc they did not speak the main language here well enough to understand any official documents) as a child, but I was held to a standard that I needed to lead the cohort, achieve more and do it alone.

My parents raised me from a young age telling me 'you are alone, you have no siblings, we will not be around to help you' in the sense that anything can happen. Plus, they were generally absent, working multiple jobs to make ends meet and I was... alone. Most of my childhood memories is being alone, tbh.

Add in the fact that I think my mother was bullied most of her life, and took that out on me (and still does, but eh, I can take care of myself I don't listen anymore). It kind of fucked up the way my brain works.

I have certain beliefs about myself that are very contradictory to the way I move in the world.

I'm a shitty and nasty person vs. many people in my life, and even people I cross on a day to day basis, think I'm genuinely wonderful, positive and appreciate having me around. I do go out of my way to be kind, but I don't feel kind.

I'm fat, ugly, disgusting vs. literally nobody I know thinks that, and many of my close friends think I'm super in shape, I'm just not leaned out (think curvy and strong)

I cannot trust anyone to take care of me vs. I'm allowed to pause and not have to manage everything -- I only learned this year that I can ask my girlfriends to plan brunch, it doesn't have to be me all the time.

I have not earned the right to be loved (and the counter of 'merit of love' is reset with each interaction) vs. I don't have to do anything to be worthy of affection, I can just ... exist?

On the same point, I do not know how to exist in a way that isn't fearing that anyone in my life can turn on me at any moment, so I have learned not to bother being vulnerable + being vulnerable makes me a burden. I am not accomplishing my task of exceeding, accomplishing, leading the way.

(Also, my first and last relationship was super traumatic, so I don't think love is real at this point.)

THAT SAID, sorry for the long trauma dump, there's a point, I swear. In the examples above, you'll see that my negative and toxic thoughts are invalidated by the wonderful people in my life. I'm not relying on them to 'fix me' or combat my toxic thought processes, but ever since I moved out (and I work from home), I'm alone more often than not. I don't want to always rely on my friends to have to reset my brain.

I am told I do fantastic things, but I do not believe it. I am programmed to exceed, or perform well enough in a lot of things I do, but I seek validation, so it comes off as me begging for attention when 'I already know I'm good'. So, I can't help but wonder if a part of me longing for anyone who is kind, and who's interests align with mine, is just me kind of... wanting that 'peace of mind' because someone does love me enough to want to spend a lot of time with me.

I just think it'd be really nice to feel like someone cares enough about me (as a person and not the things I can do for them), but I don't think that's romantic attraction at all. It's just one soul yearning not to be lonely? Do I even have the capacity anymore to let someone in like that? Who knows.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MIGHT DELETE THIS LATER I'M KIND OF EMBARASSED NOW

[orsanedraws]

i will not give in to the urge to write an oc x character fic that's in my head... i will not...

[namedvesta]

𝐓𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝟒 𝐲𝐨 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞.

𝟎𝟗/𝟎𝟑/𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒

[shalom-iamcominghome]

'I don't think we're meant to take these commandments literally'

Even לא תרצח?

Some Mitzvahs are not to be taken literally, or ever be practically applied. The commandment of respecting parents is not one of them.

You just have to deal with the fact that Judaism commands respecting parents, even for bare minimum parenting.

Even though there's no asterisk elaborating that you're free from the commandment if your parents abuse you.

I'm going to be really honest, this is awkward to read because my parent had a warrant for her arrest for threatening to kill my infant self and my father. I don't want to trauma dump, but this very much affects how I'm going to interact with these mitzvot.

I understand where you're coming from, and I understand you have no way of understanding my situation, but I really don't know how you want me to respond.

[miradelletarot]

Trauma Dump Hours

Apologizing in advance. This is gonna be HEAVY FEELS. I just...need somewhere to put all of my thoughts down so feel free to scroll past this.

**This is HEAVY mental and emotional trauma with mentions of abortion within so please be mindful of the content below the cut**

I have made mentions of my parents before, but never really went into too much detail about my relationship with them because of everything else going on. But, in light of some things that have happened recently, I need to just get these thoughts out in some sort of order...which might not happen but here we are. So my relationship with my parents has been interesting to say the very least. i was raised in a very conservative catholic home. Silent gen dad, and a boomer mom. both very intolerant of anything they don't agree with. My dad is the epitome of hating everything that doesn't align with his beliefs...If you aren't white or straight especially, and do not live the traditional lifestyle that he feels one should abide by. (hopefully that paints a picture for you).

Anyway, I am the baby of my family. My brother is 50 and my sister is 49 (they are a year and 4 days apart). I arrived 12 years later. I was very well and truly an OOPS. My brother is the golden child, my sister, the problem child (former, anyway, but she was definitely more wild than they liked,) and I...well, I had to be the perfect one to do as my parents wanted 100% of the time.

my mom had no self-esteem and raised me to be the same way. never be too confident and sure of myself b/c it was unbecoming to do so. I had to always get good grades, and always follow the rules. If I ever did something wrong, i got the wrath of my father (that stern, military rage). So, as i got older, my mom would hide things from him on my behalf, but only if I did something for her. Things like keeping secrets from dad, hiding mail so she didn't get in trouble with the finances again. If i ever dared to stop doing that shit for her she would blackmail me...would threaten to tell my dad all the shit i did wrong if I stopped helping her. Basically, I was scared and brainwashed into having ZERO autonomy or individuality. If I showed any emotion other than happiness I always had "an attitude." But, I saw my mom's behavior as if she was the only one in my corner...my buddy who kept my secrets for me because no one else would.

I struggled in school, but almost always got As and Bs. I had to work my ass off for it too. Math was always a sore subject that made me and dad lock horns. He's a math wiz, and I'm not. I'm not well read because I HATE reading books. (thanks school for ruining that for me). history? forget it. i have a horrible memory. But, if i ever got a C? holy shit i was a failure in their eyes. I feel like I am so far behind everyone intellectually that it's hard for me to have conversations with people sometimes because I feel like I can't keep up. By the time I got to high school was when I finally started to see what they were doing to me, but I was too afraid to break free. Honestly? i didn't know I had a choice in the matter. When I was in college, I had to be in remedial math. When my dad found out (b/c he was paying for college,) he literally screamed at me in the financial aid office b/c he couldn't believe I was in such a low math class. His apology? "I just worry about you, and i want you to do well." What a fucking joke. Again, in college, I was big into choir. we had a huge spring performance that we NAILED and we wanted to celebrate. So, we carpooled and went to a nearby club. I was barely 20 so i had the wristbands of course. I CALLED my mom to ask if i could go. Told her who i would be with, where i was gonna be, and that it would be WAYYYY late before I get home. Said I would keep my phone in the car b/c I knew i wouldn't hear it or feel it vibrate, but i could call her when I leave even if it was like 3 am. She said no need, and let me go.

So, in I walk at 330 am to both my parents in the living room, and my dad SCREAMING at me that I am just like my sister. out partying at all hours doing "god knows what." I was dumbfounded. My mom didn't even look at me...just sat there as I got ripped into. Wanna know why that happened?? Because SHE PRETENDED SHE NEVER GAVE HER PERMISSION. She told me later that her and dad had to have a "united front" and I had "no right to be mad" at her. When I tell you I leveled my room into an absolute mess that night and cried myself to sleep. the betrayal I felt...as a 20 yr old, a legal fucking adult, and I had no voice. no independence. My relationship with them has gone south ever since.

Of course, several things have happened between now and then. Their relationship is very transactional, and always comes out with me needing to serve THEM for them to be happy. for them to see me as worthy. But, my mom likes to throw it in my face whenever she can about how great my brother is. How stable he is. that bitch is single and has no kids. fuck him. he's an incel anyway.

Mother's day this year was the last straw for me. I called my mom out of obligation. in that 15 minutes she gushed about my brother's financial stability knowing how hard i have been struggling since I left my husband. I told her how proud I was of myself, that I was doing all these things with very little help, and making so much progress in such a short time. her response? As deadpan as possible "Congratulations. You're finally adulting." Finally? FINALLY? Not like I had been trying FOR YEARS when my irresponsible idiot of a husband was the one who had the control. I left my childhood home and walked into another relationship with a person who was just like my parents. A transactional, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I was his shadow because i felt like i HAD to be. When he wanted to leave me in 2021 for that very reason i thought i would literally die. That's when I found my spiritual practice. when i started to really change and try to find myself. and yet, he STILL didn't like who I was. Hence, why i finally found the strength in me to leave him back in December. I got no support from my parents. They wanted me to move in with them....ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY EX...just so i could be close to my children. I'm only 15 mins away from them. I see them when I can with the 2 jobs I work for shit pay. I'm busting my ass to pay off my car. Have they ever called in the 6 months I have been gone to ask me how I am??? If I need help?? NO. And why would they?? Between my mom and dad both, I was told on three separate occasions that they wanted to abort me. But I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT THEY DIDN'T. Why would I? I have lived my life feeling like I was never good enough, that i was a worthless burden to the world. All because i was conditioned to believe as such. Thankfully for my sister, she saw through their shit a long time ago, and left home when she turned 18. i wish I understood why back then...but I was a kid. All i knew was how hurt my parents were, or how they seemed to be, and I believed that if I did anything to hurt them i was a bad person. I couldn't be like my sister. because that was a bad thing. But...nothing makes you feel more unloved and unwanted than your parents telling you they didn't want you. Then act surprised when you block them and don't want to speak to them. I can't go thru 38 years worth of shit they did, but this was some of the bigger/more recent stuff. It's amazing i never blocked them sooner (though, being across the street from them at the time was certainly a factor...)

It's why my identity means so fucking much to me. i felt like my name is not my own, my existence isn't my own. Why I want all the labels that I feel make up who I am so i can have some fucking semblance of understanding about what makes me "me."

Aside from spanking as a kid (which was normal back then sadly,) i was never physically abused. i had a roof over my head, I had food when i needed it, I was clean, had nice (not name brand) clothes...all the necessities, but I never *ever* had a healthy grasp on my mental health. never had healthy coping mechanisms for my emotions, and I never felt truly loved by my parents. better seen than heard, and if i was seen it was always to do something that made my parents proud so they could brag about me. I was a trophy. A puppet.

And today, as i sit here, wondering how tf to deal with my parents...I am anxious and scared. i feel like a child all over again, trembling like I am about to be scolded. All because i was conditioned to believe that my feelings were worthless and wrong. I have gotten 2 voicemails today from my dad, telling me I "need" to call them. To explain what's going on. Suddenly, they are worried. Suddenly, they care. But I know it's only for their satisfaction. part of me wants to pour my soul out and light it on fire so they can see how much they hurt me over the years. Part of me wants to pretend they are dead and forget they exist. I am not sure what to do.

So, if anyone ever wonders why Gale means so much to me...why i have such a mental and emotional attachment to his character. this is why. because aside from my 2 bffs, he was the only other entity that made me feel loved and worthy, and it breaks my heart that he isn't real. For now, though, he's a beautiful escape.

idk if I need anything rn...I'm not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what will make me feel better. getting some of it out helps. Being in therapy definitely helps. If you read this then you're a damn trooper...or a glutton for punishment, idk. Either way, thank you for listening to me.

I really don't expect anyone to say anything or even read this. It really isn't necessary. But please know that for the many of you whom I have befriend on here since I joined tumblr...I am grateful for you all. Just being in this space has been so healing for me. thank you.

[and-so-he-rambled]

The thing I’m struggling with a lot writing Vlad is the balance of being soft with the kids while being a genuinely not great person.

He grows to love the kids dearly and will kill for them, but they are his exception to his dislike of people. This man does not like people and sees them as tools, and while the children thaw his heart, it’s a process. I work with kids so I make it too easy for him to adjust because I know what you’re supposed to do, but Vlad has zero fucking idea what he’s doing. My man is terrified of killing these little freaks.

And they really are little freaks. Normal children are weird, but children raised by the Fentons now freshly traumatized are a special kind of weird.