#recognizing my internal cycle of control and anger and and and

[gandreida]

I feel like i’ve broken the cycle of abuse? I feel like I’ve found a way out of landing myself in abusive relationships.

[gminervous]

A day in the life with BPD..

I wake up and my mind is already racing, jumping from one thought to another before I even have a chance to fully open my eyes. It’s like someone’s turned the volume all the way up, and I’m stuck in the middle of a chaotic storm. The mirror reflects a face I recognize, but the person behind it feels like a stranger. Some days I can’t quite figure out who I am or what I’m feeling. Today is one of those days.

As I start my day, I’m hyper-aware of the people around me. There’s a deep craving for connection, a need to feel close to someone, anyone, who can anchor me in the midst of this internal storm. But that desire for closeness is tangled up with fear—fear that if I get too close, they’ll see the mess inside me and pull away. It’s a constant push and pull, wanting to be loved and fearing that love will disappear the moment I let my guard down.

I try to navigate these relationships, but it feels like walking through a minefield. One minute, I’m overflowing with affection, desperate to be near the people I care about. The next, I’m consumed by doubt, questioning whether they really care about me at all. Did they mean that compliment? Or were they just being polite? I replay conversations in my head, dissecting every word, looking for signs that I’m about to be abandoned. It’s exhausting, this constant questioning, but I can’t seem to stop.

Then there’s the anger. It’s like a storm that brews inside me, often triggered by something small—a comment that didn’t sit right, a slight that might not have even been intentional. But once it’s there, it’s hard to control. The anger spills over, and I lash out, sometimes without even realizing what I’m doing until it’s too late. And then comes the guilt. It hits me like a ton of bricks, leaving me feeling ashamed and hollow. I can see the hurt in their eyes, and it crushes me, because deep down, I didn’t mean to cause it. But the damage is done, and I’m left picking up the pieces.

Throughout the day, my emotions continue to swing wildly. Joy can turn into despair in a heartbeat. A small success might make me feel on top of the world, but a minor setback can send me spiraling into a pit of self-doubt and hopelessness. There’s no middle ground, no safe space where I can just be. It’s always extremes, always a battle between feeling too much and feeling nothing at all.

By the time evening rolls around, I’m completely drained. My body is tired, but my mind refuses to rest. I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to quiet the thoughts that won’t stop swirling. The day’s events replay in my head, every mistake amplified, every moment of doubt echoing in the silence. I long for peace, for a moment where my mind can just be still, but it rarely comes. When sleep finally takes over, it’s restless, filled with dreams that mirror the chaos of my waking life.

I know that tomorrow will be much the same. The cycle will start again—waking up to a mind already in overdrive, navigating the complexities of emotions that never seem to settle, and trying to hold on to a sense of self that feels elusive at best. Some days I manage better than others. But every day is a fight to keep going, to find a way to live with this constant turmoil that BPD brings. It’s not an easy life, but it’s the only one I know, and somehow, I keep pushing forward.

[elisabethbabarci]

THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS

May my affirmations heal, awaken, and restore your soul within. You have the power to evoke forgiveness in every aspect of your existence. Give yourself the precious sacred gift of inner peace throughout your life.

My natural state is that of peace.

I choose to reclaim my inner peace, sovereignty, and power as I accept with patience, understanding, and wisdom that life is uncertain and I must embrace change.

With intention I liberate and emancipate myself from my experiences, processes, circumstances, and situations that are beyond my control.

With compassion and awareness I evoke self care and self love during my recovery.

With self respect, dignity, and honour I remind myself that I am not the body, I am consciousness.

I am progress in motion, and I choose to not foster a destructive environment where I maintain the rhetoric or belief to keep the pain alive within, as I acknowledge doing so, is regressive and harmful to my soul.

With each passing day, I learn to embrace self forgiveness by loving myself, as my experiences do not define me.

Breaking generational cycles, beliefs, patterns, and attitudes enables me to dissipate residual anger as my past circumstances or experiences do not have power over me.

As I seek inner peace, I enable self compassion, self love, self care, and self respect for myself and others.

I acknowledge and accept that I am processing my internal and external emotions of feeling intentionally wronged, harmed, hurt, or being a victim of endured suffering. I allow myself to heal and emancipate now.

I am more than my experiences as I am experiencing symptoms of a much greater root that is healing internally with every passing moment.

I recognize that I am safe and within a loving environment to make an intentional decision to release resentment, regret, anger, and negative emotions that may have consumed me at one period of time however, I have extracted the lesson to move forward with enlightened wisdom and strength.

I accept the process of life, and I embrace my natural transformation through catharsis and metamorphosis.

I accept my new awakening that I am liberated from behaviours, perceptions, patterns, cycles, feelings and emotions that are not aligned with my path.

I rise with every opportunity to become a stronger version of myself as I emancipate from stagnated perceptions and constructs that misalign with my moral and ethical principles.

Accepting loss does not constitute weakness or defeat, for it resurrects within me my inner power, to choose what I partake in.

I acknowledge the inner pain, as it enables me to evoke self reflection and deeper examination of core roots that I need to heal within. I am safe.

Practicing empathy enables me to consciously analyze a situation and reflect on my actions, thoughts, words, behaviours, and the impact it has on others.

The process of forgiveness enables liberation from stagnation and disturbance to establish inner equilibrium and tranquility.

Coexisting in perfect harmony enables compassion for others, respect, love, and community as we are all one, complete and whole. By seeing through anothers eyes enables me to gain deeper insight into the realm of higher conscious state of awareness.

Forgiveness then allows me to return to my natural state of peace. Securing a state of inner peace within myself enables and fosters forgiveness. I acknowledge and accept that both concepts are interconnected and promote divinity within.

There is universal power in compassion and love for another, which enhances the moral principle of interconnectivity, honour, integrity, respect, and virtue.

Forgiveness enables me to see beyond my fears, and to lead with love in every aspect of my existence.

Forgiveness is an inherent human right which is an essential element of benevolence.

Forgiveness is within my moral fabric of self, as I seek justice not revenge.

Embracing vigilance and prudence offers the ability to remain ethical in all pursuits, while governing my actions with fair impartiality and reason. 

With diligence, I observe and respect others perspectives as it enables me to become impartial during my recovery. 

Consideration of others feelings, thoughts, experiences, and trajectories enables myself to step outside of my comfort zone to observe the matter through another dimension. 

With care, perseverance, and motivation, I seek solutions which enables empathy, resolutions, and solutions. 

Self reflection fosters an internal dialogue with myself to observe and evaluate my actions critically, to foster and implement improvements of my behaviour, to enhance peace in all aspects of my life. 

As I encompass forgiveness, it liberates my soul within, from the confines of the illusion of control and fear. 

Forgiveness enables me the intentional decision to release resentment, residual anger, sadness and grief, and regret. 

I release residual energy that is holding me back. I am free to embark on my journey with ease, hope, and grace. 

I give permission to be gentle with myself through my recovery process. 

I forgive myself with patience, I forgive myself with time, I forgive myself with love, I forgive myself with acceptance, I forgive myself with care, I forgive myself with self support, I forgive myself with self compassion, I forgive myself with self love, I forgive myself with self empathy, I forgive myself with self respect, I forgive myself with understanding, I forgive myself with peace, I forgive myself with inner truth, I forgive myself now.

[aliciachimera]

"alicia should really be asleep but is still awake" thoughts

i've certainly felt a spike of negative emotions arise this past week, making me question myself, my motives, my own sense of right and wrongs, and most important, being more in tune with my own emotional needs.

i want to be a good person, a good friend, a good Everything. but that isn't the same as Being a good person, being a good friend, nor anything else. obsessed with the Idea of good, rather than its execution, obsessed with others opinions of me, i fell really hard into losing sight of my own personality and my own limitations as a person. and consequently, i'm frequently emotionally unavailable, i'm teetering on burnout that doesn't quite resolve, i'm struggling with my anxiety and depression. giving myself unattainable goals that don't serve to improve myself, only punish myself in vain attempts at improvement.

i think its a part of maturity, of realizing that i don't Need to cater to satisfying the layers of concentric ideas of my own idolized self that only serve to tie my own self esteem to the validation given by my peers to feel Correct with myself. in other words, its a recipe for disaster when i inevitably find out that this whole Process in my head, is overthinking, is something that people don't really worry about themselves, is something that i have to train myself to avoid having it overload my thoughts and push me into despair.

years of emotional trauma does things to a motherfucker. the path of least resistance, conflict avoidance, a cycle of abuse that ends up getting internalized when i end up recognizing that my negative behaviors are indicative Of manipulation and a desire to control others to get what i want by controlling the distance i am with others. being hot/cold, being close and being far on a whim. This Does Not Mean I Am A Bad Person. my actions are a consequence of the people i grew up under, the experiences and fears i've faced and been put under turmoil. and confronting that underneath my mask, is a part of healing from that, as uncomfortable as it is.

i've struggled with this for years. and its certainly a toxic behavior that's pushed away people who used to care about me but have decided that its better not to let me ever get close again and i Regret that it happened. anyone who personally knew me and speaks ill of me, actually Has good reason to, as kind and warm as i am to others nowadays. i struggled to even say I Love You to people i cared about in the past because i was Ordered to say it back or else it'd make my parents upset and verbally hostile towards me.

but that's a part of recovering from generational trauma and overall family issues; recognizing it, analyzing it, Understanding it. that most people out there aren't a hair trigger away from being mad and seeking to insult or punish me for saying something they don't want to hear. most people aren't going to enrage and yell and lash out at me and break my things if i don't do what they tell me to do.

so what happens now? i'm 26 years old, i'm still subservient to my family's whims and demands even if they don't scream in anger at me or break my possessions but that Fear still lingers inside of me if i don't follow their orders. it unnerves me, freaks me out. if i don't follow my mom's orders, she'll get mad and yell and curse at me. she'll insult me across my appearance and weight and other things to dig at insecurities, and make a point of "trying her best with ungrateful kids". if i don't pay rent to my aunt, she'll continue to badger me asking when i'll move out, that she's giving my mother and sister a place to stay and food to eat, holding that against me.

fffuuck, right? trying to focus on my work becomes impossible when my family put their needs over my own, and so things slow down, the plan doesn't fall into place, and i'm forced to ask others for help when i need it most. none of what i ask for, is ever taken for granted. every bit is either to food, to bills, or to rent. but it frustrates me being unable to secure a salaried job to actually, save up enough money to move out and leave all of this behind.

"i'm a servant confused why others aren't acting the same." and That is the core issue of my morality, of doing what i am told, of fearing punishment for insubordination, for those who Are, that i cannot fathom myself to Be, so long as i live here. "nobility and kindness" are euphemisms for being a spineless pawn.

i can break free, i can be my own person. someday, i won't live to make others happy. i will make myself happy, and others will naturally join me for my own revelry. and i will be Alive.

[amischiefofdeets]

BILLY HARGROVE

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CHARACTER SUMMARY

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The embodiment of the cycle of abuse. Billy is an asshole, there's no getting around it. Even those who actually like him know that, they're fond of those rough edges on him even if they don't know where they come from. A product of an abusive father and estranged mother, he's the new 'king' of his little town that has all the women flocking. I want to note that I will not be including themes of racism in this portrayal, I recognize and acknowledge his behaviour from the show but I am not going to be including that in my writing. This is my take on this character and I am not comfortable nor willing to write anything along those lines.

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MUSE DETAILS

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Name: William Hargrove Nicknames: Billy Race: Human Born: March 29, 1967 Age: 18 Height: 5'10 Gender: Male Sexuality: Bisexual (Extremely closeted) Location: Hawkins, Indiana. Occupation: Lifeguard Abilities: Fairly strong and capable in a fight, able to both intimidate and charm. Mental state: Lots of subdued anger, he's spent most of his life either witnessing abuse regularly or being the target of it and thus tends to lash out at others to assert himself if he feels he needs to. However, he is pretty capable of hiding this behind a confident and cocky facade.

Scars: Various small scars on his body, barely perceptible. Tattoos: Smoking skull on upper right arm. Alignment: Neutral Evil Goals: Get the fuck out of Hawkins, have fun, get a decent job. Hobbies: Working out, fixing cars. Likes: Alcohol, parties, working out, having fun with whatever partner he has for the night. Dislikes: Feelsy shit, his family, Hawkins. Disabilities: CPTSD. Reputation: Seen as the reckless party king of Hawkins, he's generally acknowledged to be the local bad boy but the sort you'd want a fun night with despite that. Very few people know him with any depth. Family: Alice Hargrove - Mother - Estranged Neil Hargrove - Father Susan Hargrove - Stepmother Max Mayfield - Stepsister

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VERSES

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#NEWCOMER - Set in canon during s2.

Coming to Hawkins wasn't his idea of a good time, leaving behind groups of friends he'd made and the bustle of life in California - not to mention his hobby of surfing. He's frustrated by how slow the town is and decides that the only bit of fun to be had is by making himself the king of this little shithole. This verse goes right up until the end of s2, cutting off at the point where he's knocked out by Max and left in the Byers house.

#PEACE - Set in canon between s2 and s3.

Things at home change a little after his sister's actions, he doesn't dare try to control her or break her things but that doesn't mean his father thinks he's any better as a brother - often leading to the same usual mistreatment. He spends most of his time out of the house if he can help it, working his job at the pool and enjoying the attention it gets him. It's the closest to happy he's really been in Hawkins, finally settling in.

#RENDED - Set in canon during s3.

Possessed by the darkness of the Upside Down, internally Billy is terrified, not able to stop his body from hurting others and taking them to the very same monster that had claimed him. The Mindflayer has him hurt countless people and though he tries to fight it, there's little he can do.

#RECOVERED - Diverts from canon - set after s3.

Billy doesn't get killed by the mindflayer, he protects the children with what little control he has and managed to keep it away at least long enough for the monster to finally be killed. The connection severing from the Upside Down almost does kill him but they manage to save him. This Billy is a lot less cocky in the aftermath, the brush with death surprisingly bringing him into the group with Steve Harrington and his little troupe of nerds that helped save the world. Things are a little strange, he's not used to this kind of dynamic but he's trying his best.

#BEAST - Diverts from canon - an AU that can be set anywhere in the timeline.

I have a weakness for werewolf/vampire AUs, so this is werewolf Billy. His family has moved to Hawkins because his father caused trouble with packs in California while trying to take territory for himself. Billy misses the excitement of Cali, the pack fights of fangs and claws but at least he can roam the wilds of Hawkins without worrying about being seen. Max and Susan aren't like himself and Neil, his dad intends for it to stay that way on threat of more violence than his usual cruelty while asserting himself as alpha of their meagre pack of two.

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[dreamsmachine]

Self-help: Overcoming the Grip of Narcissistic Parental Abuse

Kids make mistakes; it's what kids do. Any of you who grew up with a narcissistic parent knows that you live in fear of getting it wrong, of making a mistake all the time because your parent's rage was often so disproportionate and swift. If you made even a small mistake, there was the fear that not only would they rage at you, but they would go on to take it out on other members of the family. You may have even felt the need to protect them, and so you became even more determined not to make mistakes. Even worse, you knew that there was nobody there who could protect you from your parent's rage.

With a child, the sequence might be that knowing the controlling narcissistic parent, for example, couldn't bear a mess or anything out of control, order, or routine in their house. Even sensing the time of day when the narcissistic parent would be coming home from work or something, the child may become increasingly anxious. Upon hearing the parent unlocking the front door, a frantic cleaning spree ensues to avoid trouble. Yet sometimes because a child is a child, they might miss one thing, and this oversight becomes an opportunity for the narcissistic parent to lash out. The child, who worked diligently to clean up, internalizes the idea that a single mistake equals rejection. Consequently, perfectionism and a relentless pursuit of getting everything 'just right' become survival mechanisms to avoid any misstep that could result in rejection and anger. (Reflecting on my childhood, I wonder if we ever truly experienced being right or doing the right thing at home. It seems like my parents never refrained from guilt-tripping and shaming us, and this behavior stemmed from their own wounds. But as children, we often fail to grasp that fact, don't we?) 😏

The narcissistic style is very tunnel-visioned as a personality style goes.

Feeling that one mistake could cost you their love and regard is an impossible way to live. This constant fear leads to anxiety, self-doubt, perfectionism, and an ongoing sense of tension. Kids become obsessed with their words and actions to avoid errors, and even on good days, they live in fear, not knowing we're all human and bound to make a "wrong" move at some point, and they never learn to relax. Each hour feels like waiting for judgmental chaos to descend.

We are humans; we make mistakes on an hour-by-hour basis, and to hold yourself to a standard of inhuman perfection just to keep a relationship going is not going to work. It fosters dissonance and the trauma bonds too. You might justify the relationship on a good day, but when your mistake causes problems, you blame yourself. We all make mistakes; it's what makes us us; when we love people, we love their mistakes too. Even more angering is when if the narcissistic person makes a mistake and, oh, you call them out, then you're the one who's being petty. Hypocrisy is the prevailing climate of the narcissistic parent. Next time, take it as your humanness; their reactions are their wounds, not yours. It's unsustainable and a terrible way to live.

(Even decades later, it's crucial to recognize the ongoing cycle of narcissistic parents' shaming, blaming, and guilt-tripping that leaves us feeling small and unworthy of love and kindness. It's time to open our eyes to this dynamic, release guilt and shame, and allow ourselves to make mistakes without fear.) 😊

[cheekygreenty]

Little Witch - Part 14

The Darkling x Reader

You felt fine after dinner, the food quickly replenishing your dwindled physique, but you didn't go back to work. You took Aleksander's advice and took the rest of the day to rest and take your mind off the countless tasks you had. There was one thing you needed to do though and that was thank Zoya for today.

She didn't have to do any of it, in fact, you believed she hated you from the minute you interrupted Aleksander's meeting. You were told by a servant she was out training Inferni's and so you made your way down to the Etherialki training grounds. She stood there, the image of a goddess. Her dark hair fell down her blue kefta in defined curls, collecting small snowflakes.

There was no indication she'd been involved in a deadly attack a mere 4 hours ago. Saints, I think I have a crush on Zoya. Nevertheless, you walked over to her, calling out her name to grab her attention.

'Deputy, how are you feeling?' She looked worried yet relieved to see you standing in front of her on both of your legs.

'Y/N will do Zoya.'

'Alright then'

'Thank you for today. I don't know what came over me.'

'We all have our moments. Some of us just hide them better' You couldn't tell whether that was a dig at you or not.

'You're an amazing soldier Zoya. I'm very impressed'

'Well I didn't just sleep my way to the top if that's what you're implying.' She turned her addicting gaze away from you, studying the young Infernis.

'I beg your pardon?' You were taken aback.

'How's your leg?' She tried to change the topic but you weren't ready to.

'What do you mean Zoya, spit it out.'

'You know what I mean Y/N.' Why was she avoiding the conversation if she brought it up in the first place?

'Are you and Gener-' Is this another thing he had lied to me about? You vaguely remember thinking the two had been involved when you seen them in the same room but it passed quickly, surely he would have told you, especially if it was with one of his most trusted Grisha? The thought was another painful blow to your gut. They just kept on coming. You couldn't finish your sentence for she already answered it.

'No.'

'Zoya'

'Not anymore... Alina is here now' The strong feisty woman was gone now, in her place was a hurt and rejected woman. You were old enough to see it, you had been her before, hell you were her now. You looked at her striking beauty, thought about her incredible skills, and then stupidly compared yourself to her. If he rejected her, you're next. Your silence must have comforted her more than words could, for she shrugged her shoulders and said

'He keeps saying she's his equal, the day to his night' His equal. That's what Alina said.

'You don't need anyone Zoya. I can promise you you'll amount to great things on your own.' Despite the hurt you felt, you focused on her.

'Well as of right now I'm stuck to skiff trips and when you request me' You eyed her inquisitively 'Our dear General's doings.' she admitted.

'What gave you such an honor' you teased.

'I got into a riff with the precious Sun-Summoner after she vexed me.' She shut her eyes tightly as if trying to forget the memory.

'She doesn't strike me as the vexing type-' Your conversation was quickly interrupted when an Inferni accidentally set alight more than just the mannequin and Zoya scrambled to put it out, scolding the boy in the process.

'I'll leave you to it then'

You walked away, hurt and on the verge of tears. You needed to speak to Aleksander, you were sick of him lying to you but you were even more tired of feeling that severe urge to cry every time you thought about him. You came here to do your job and to show everyone you had your powers under control, yet all you've done so far is the opposite. Saints be damned you would walk away from your position because of a complicated relationship, you were better than that. But you also recognized that if you confronted Aleksander about all of this, he would either have to tell you about his plans for Alina or lie again, and you knew he would lie. It was a vicious cycle, one that wouldn't end. It was heartbreaking knowing that the man who claimed to never stop loving you could lie to you so easily.

You were right to question your trust in him, he never gave you a reason not to.

***

He was sitting at his desk, back turned towards you. You hesitated, the thought of running out the door and locking yourself in your room sounding pretty attractive. Maybe a good cry will fix this.

'Y/N I thought I told you to rest' He spoke calmly, his hand never dropping the pen. You shut the doors, not wanting the guards outside to hear what you were about to say. This made him turn around.

'We need to talk'

He dropped the pen and paper and stood up, indicating he was all ears. You glued your eyes to his knowing your vulnerability peeked through but you didn't care to hide it.

'What are your plans for me, Aleksander?'

He cocked his head to the side, confused. 'What?'

'Why keep me around when Alina is here?'

You were never the jealous kind, but you came to realize this wasn't jealousy. It was disappointment and aching after being away from him for almost a century. You had built up this life in your head, one where everything was perfect and Aleksander hadn't changed but you raised the bar too high. The bad parts of Aleksander faded away with each year and the best parts of him enhanced in your mind. You had forgotten what he was truly like, plus coming to terms with the fact that he lived a seemingly happy life while you were gone stung a bit too. With each day, the disappointment turned into hurt and anger.

'Y/N I already told you, I have a plan.'

'So you expect me to watch you and Alina fawn over each other while I stay in the shadows being a dutiful Second in Command? I may be loyal but I'm not going to blindly follow along Aleksander, not anymore.' It's making me miserable.

His hands reached out for you but you moved away. 'You know I love you Y/N' He said as if the foolish statement would make your worries and anger melt away.

'Then act like it'

'It's not that simple.'

'It never is, is it?' You bitterly laughed. What's the point of loving somebody if you're not willing to do everything to make them stop hurting?

'Why won't you tell me?' Your voice was a whisper he barely registered. 'Do you not trust me? Cause I'll admit it right now, I may love you, but I don't trust you Aleksander.'

Your admission hit him like a pile of bricks. He was brought back to when you first met, your shaking body radiating hostility as you rode in the carriage with him. He tried to assure you you were safe, you were one of his Grisha now, but you were having none of it. You didn't trust anybody for months after you arrived in the Little Palace, especially him and right now, it was all back to square one.

'Have I really given you that many reasons to not trust me?' It had been so long since he had somebody to care for and love that he forgot how to act around you. Perhaps he was back to square one too.

'Yes. Your sly comments about killing the King and finding the stag, your relationship with Alina, even with Zoya- Aleksander you're lying to me every day and you think I'll still be compliant. I'm not the same Y/N you remember.'

'You know what I want Y/N. You've always known'

'I do, but I need to know how you're going to do it all. How can I be supportive when I don't know what the hell is going on around me. A goodnight kiss every now and then won't fix this if you're doing the same to somebody else'

'Is this what this is? Your way of saying I'm fucking my Sun-Summoner on the side?'

'I never said that. All I wanted to know was why I'm not in on the plan that's supposed to give us more power. Is it because I'm a loose cannon, are you scared of what I'll do if I won't agree with you?'

You were sure of one thing; while you were gone nobody dared to disagree with the Darkling and he had grown to get used to it. Power corrupts, resistance humbles.

Somehow you still held your composure, albeit it was difficult. Aleksander however, was losing his temperate demeanor. He was pacing the lengths of the room and his hand had brushed through his hair countless times, the image of someone who was backed into a corner they couldn't get out of.

'I haven't told you because I don't want you to get burned. If it goes wrong it would be good to have some of us not hanged for treason would it not?' Bullshit. He must've forgotten you had the power of a heartrenderer. Aleksander was lying right through his teeth.

'You and I both know that's not true. If history is any indication then they'll turn on all Grisha.'

'And you'll be here to make sure they don't.' He tried to reason but you let out a loud laugh.

'Up until 2 weeks ago you didn't even consider giving me my old post back, do you really expect me to believe you changed your strategy in a matter of days?'

He stayed silent and settled against his desk. His crossed arms showed he was in no mood to discuss any further but you weren't done. He was going to tell you everything whether he liked it or not. You were sick of being kept in the dark. You had your title of Deputy back now, yet you still had no idea what truly went on and had no real sway against the top-ranking Grisha who no doubt were in on the plans. Power corrupts, resistance humbles, and you were done being humbled.

'Aleksander don't make me force it out of you' As soon as the words left your mouth you tried to find some part of you that regretted them but came up empty-handed.

His head whipped around with whiplash speed. You could see the internal battle going on behind his eyes of whether you would actually make do on your threat. You didn't know whether it was empty or whether you actually would do it but it was tempting.

'You said you changed, but I don't think you did' He retorted, eyeing you up and down with a look of displeasure. The situation was a shift from the usual, this time he was the one losing control and spiraling whereas you were the perfect example of a calm before the storm. The Little Witch he had grown to love and worship.

'I'm stronger, I can be stronger. I am limitless' You prided yourself on the restraint you'd shown thus far. You were in a palace full of Grisha, of Healers, a Tailor, a Sun-Summoner yet you didn't make any moves to take anything. The old Y/N wouldn't hesitate to take what wasn't hers. Maybe that's why you would burn out, lose as you gained. This time you knew how to do it properly, how to be an Elemental who yielded it all.

'Your quench for power is contending mine, Sweet Y/N.' For the second time in your life, you saw fear in Aleksander's eyes. He always had a feeling you yearned to have a stronger grasp of the Second-Army and for so long, even now, you tried to lie to yourself and deny it. But deep down some voices always whispered 'it's only right to have a leader who represents them all'.

'Wrong. I already have it, I just need to use it.' You raised your hands slowly, showing him you meant what you said. I'm really doing this. Your heart dropped when his raised too. He's willing to hurt me to protect his lies.

'There's no going back from this' You felt weirdly ready. Although you had never used your Grisha powers against Aleksander in a fight, you had a hefty slice of hope in you that you could overpower him. You had what he had and more.

'Y/N stop this.'

'Why? So that you'll lie to me again? Make me the other woman? It's inevitable that it comes to this' Your heart picked up in speed as your breathing became rapid. The influx of power at your fingertips itched to get out and make itself useful and containing it was painful.

Shadows pooled on the ground and around your feet yet you didn't know who they belonged to. Technically they're all his, I just know how to control them.

Panic shot through you as you felt a tendril of the black nothingness grasp around your wrist. No. You let yourself go, snapping the shackle and mirroring it on him. He had never experienced cruelty at the hands of his own power until now and was completely powerless as the black restraints rendered him useless. You concentrated on his pulse, soothing it to its normal rate then into a slow hum, relaxing his mind. This all felt so wrong yet so right.

'I'm feeling merciful today. When you feel up to it, tell me everything, or else I promise I won't hesitate Aleksander. We're the same in that manner.'

You watched as he gathered himself, anger rising onto his face. His moves were rigid and stiff despite your previous soothing.

'Time is ticking' Before he could say another word, you left the defeated Darkling, instilled with a sudden sense of pride.

______

Part 15

Here's my masterlist where you can find previous parts of this series!

Taglist (Tell me if u want to be added to the Little Witch taglist!)

@theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @0-artemis @lostysworld @xceafh @fire-in-her-veinz @patdsinner33 @cleverzonkwombatsludge @wizardwheezes @aleksanderwh0r3 @tomhollandisabae @hotleaf-juice @justmesadgirl @exo-1204 @houseofdupree @oberonpascal @eireduchess

[free--therapy]

How to Stop Negative Thoughts

Automatic negative thoughts influence emotions and distort our perception of reality in a negative way. These thoughts are difficult to recognize because they are fleeting and habitual.

Negative thoughts can make us feel agitated, anxious, be less productive, cause harm to our relationships, or cause psychological damage.

There is a simple way to overcome negative automatic thinking by challenging and reframing the thoughts in a positive way.

Understanding Automatic Negative Thoughts

Most of our thoughts occur automatically. This is good for doing daily general tasks such as brushing your teeth, eating a meal, getting dressed.

However, it can be a bad thing because it is habitual and automatic since we do not pay much attention to it.

It is important to understand how automatic negative thoughts occur and how they affect us so we can be prepared to challenge them.

What Are Automatic Negative Thoughts

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) are negative beliefs that occur habitually. They are involuntary responses to certain situations that are based on core beliefs you hold about yourself, others, or the world.

ANTs can lead to self-doubt, anger, irritability, depression, and anxiety. They have a strong influence on our mood and the difference between accepting or ignoring them will impact how happy our lives could be.

You cannot directly control these automatic thoughts. But you can indirectly alter your beliefs in a positive way.

It is important to recognize that all automatic negative thoughts are:

Always negative

Makes you feel bad about yourself

Self-sabotaging and tend to stop you from helping yourself

Uninvited and judging you when you least expect it

Believable because you are stuck in a negative thinking trap

Biased because you are experiencing a distorted perception of reality

Aaron Beck’s Cognitive Triad

The automatic negative thoughts are categorized into three perspectives of one’s belief. This was first proposed by Aaron Beck in 1976 and is known as the Negative Triad.

The triad involves automatic, uncontrollable negative thoughts about:

One’s Self: “I’m worthless and hate myself”

The World or Environment: “Why does no one care about me”

The Future: “Thing’s will never get better”

Why Do I Have Negative Thoughts

It is completely normal to experience both positive and negative thoughts daily. So you can stop worrying, it’s okay to have negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts are an evolutionary trait to help keep you safe. It is meant to identify threats, learn from mistakes, and solve problems.

90% of all thoughts are repetitive. And if you repeat something often enough, it creates a neural pathway in the brain. So if your negative thoughts get repeated enough, they become habitual.

Effects of Negative Thinking

Negative thinking is normal and is there to keep you safe. However, when you have a negative experience, your brain will remember it.

The next time you have a similar experience, your brain triggers a response thinking it is being threatened. This negative response is what makes you feel agitated, angry, depressed, or even anxious.

It can trigger a downward spiral which leads to a cycle of negative thoughts, emotions, and unhelpful behaviors. Thankfully, there is a simple 6 step process for challenging automatic negative thoughts.

How to Stop Negative Thinking in 6 Steps

Negative Automatic Thoughts affect many of us due to our habitual tendency towards irrational thinking patterns.

This Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique can be achieved in 6 steps by reframing negative thoughts and over time your thoughts will be replaced with more rational thinking.

Recognize and Isolate the Thought

Write Down the Thought

Identify the Distress Level

Identify the Cognitive Distortion

Challenge & Reframe Your Thoughts

Reevaluate the Distress Level

1. Recognize and Isolate the Thought

Recognizing that you are experiencing a thinking error is a very important first step. This provides an awareness that allows you an opportunity to challenge and refute those thoughts.

When you experience an automatic negative thought:

pause for a moment

try and recognize what you are thinking isn’t quite right

isolate and focus on that irrational thought

recognize how it makes you feel

Try to separate the thought from who you are. Think about what you are thinking about. Once you have an external view of your thought you have an opportunity to try to refute it.

This is known as Metacognition and occurs when your brain realizes, “Wait my thinking isn’t quite right.” It is a deeper level of thinking that allows you to think about what you are thinking.

This awareness provides an opportunity to allow you to understand, adapt, change, control, and use your thought process in a positive and healthy way.

2. Write Down Your Thought

Writing down your though might seem like a really simple step. But it is much more complex and beneficial than you realize.

When you are experiencing an automatic negative thought, it can be difficult to pull yourself out of the thinking trap and write down what you are thinking about.

Writing your thought enables you to have that higher level of thinking because you have to focus and think about what the thought was really about. This is again the metacognition mentioned previously.

Writing helps you process your thoughts and emotions by:

clearing your thoughts and unloading all your emotions

giving you clarity and focus to process your feelings

creating positive self-dialogue with your mind

reducing stress and increases gratitude

When you are finished writing you will feel a sense a relief that your mind has been emptied of that clutter. This will give you a sense of a clearer picture of what really happened because your mind can use that free space to focus.

3. Identify the Distress Level

Identify the distress level your automatic thoughts make you feel. This will help rank the severity the negative thought is causing you.

The distress level is ranked between 0 and 10. Zero meaning you are calm and peaceful with no distress at all. Ten means that the distress is at its extreme and is paralyzing.

Rank the distress level based on how you feel; consider your emotions and any physical distress you may experience.

4. Identify the Cognitive Distortion

Cognitive distortions are common thinking patterns that influence irrational negative thoughts and feelings. These negative thinking traps cause a distorted perception of reality in an inaccurate way.

There are 15 common cognitive distortions that most people will experience. These styles of distorted thinking influence our thoughts in different ways.

Go through the list of cognitive distortions and identify the one that applies to your negative automatic thought. I recommend printing out a copy so you have it ready when you need it.

If you have difficulty identifying the correct one, here are examples of each cognitive distortion to help you better understand them.

5. Challenge & Reframe Negative Thinking

Challenging cognitive distortions can be accomplished by evaluating the evidence, focusing on positive thoughts, and avoid thinking in extremes.

Each of the distorted thinking styles requires a unique solution to overcome negative thinking.

You can overcome negative thoughts by:

Challenging and refuting negative thoughts

Modifying our language and internal dialogue

Replacing negative distortions with positive healthy thoughts

Writing down the more reasonable reframed thought

How to challenge each of the cognitive distortions is explained below. Examples of reframing negative thoughts for each distortion is provided. This will help you understand how to reframe your negative thoughts.

6. Reevaluate the Distress Level

After you have challenged and reframed the distorted thought, reevaluate the distress level to see if this exercise has helped.

If your distress level has decreased and you are feeling better emotionally and physically after the exercise, then you have successfully altered your negative thought.

If you don’t feel like your distorted thought has been corrected you can repeat the exercise again.

You may not always be able to correct your thinking, but with practice, you will be able to automatically recognize the negative thinking traps while altering your mindset from negative to positive.

Print out a free copy of the worksheet at the end of the article and start challenging your automatic negative thinking!

CONTINUE RREADING THE ARTICLE HERE

[authorgeek]

Isolation

I think “Lonely” is the primordial emotion. The Mother feeling.  At least, perhaps, it is for me. I’ve been lonely my entire life, even and especially while surrounded by the people who care about me.

When I am very happy, the first thing I want to do is to call my best friend. Call my mother. I don’t want to sit in this good news or excitement alone. I want to share it. I want to spread it. I want others to celebrate with. Joy and happiness are only sweeter when shared with others who can join and partake in these things with you.

When I am very sad, I do not wish to sit in despair or lament on my own. I want support. I reach out in hopes others have needed wisdom or assistance, in hopes of community and understanding. Sadness becomes compassion. Despair, Empathy.

Likewise, when I am angry. I find without sharing it anger quickly turns to rage and wrath and resentment. Anger, when shared in community, can become organization. Motivation. Rage steps aside for action. Activism. Movement.

I have found I am not alone in this. Many people react this way when feeling any strong emotion at all.

Emotion, for me, can be a very physical, active, and tangible thing. I don’t just feel happiness, anger, or sadness. I am these things. I am happiness. I am anger. I am relaxed. I am fear. My chest burns. My heart rises to my throat or falls to my stomach. My eyes widen. My gut drops, tightens, relaxes, heats and cools. It’s embodied. It’s painful and aching. It’s balm to a wound, cool and relieving. My hands shake and my legs bounce and I cry and yell or cheer. I sigh and roll my eyes. I breathe. I unclench my jaw and lower my shoulders.

I have always felt everything deeply, intensely, fully. I cannot bring myself to apologize for this. Nor can I change it.

Perhaps it’s a bit like Tinkerbell is said to be. Fairies are so small they only have room for one emotion at once. When she is jealous of Wendy, this becomes all consuming and she embodies envy.

I’ve tried shrinking myself. I’ve tried hiding it. I’ve tried containing everything as best I could. It’s resulted in physical illness and excruciating pain. I don’t want to be palatable to others anymore. I don’t care to be consumable and neat or tidy. Above this, I want a healthy relationship with my internal and bodily self and how the two meld together.

I’ve been called self centered for this, but I pity and sympathize with those who feel this way - constantly setting themselves to the wayside, and taking their emotions out on others through name calling and accusation rather than face their own internal selves. They are deeply afraid at what they see, and it’s too painful to take on, so they choose to ignore and bury it rather than allow it to make itself known and move on. This is how generational trauma forms, and begins the cycles I am determined to break and will take part in no longer. Feeling things in their entirety, giving these emotions full recognition and space is a strength I’ve known few others to understand. People get angry when I insist upon taking up space for myself, but I’ve learned It makes my emotions easier to control, less explosive, and causes less physical and emotional turmoil. Along with the assistance of therapists and medication, which I admit - I am privileged to have access to.  

In fact, my intensity can be exhausting and draining to those who do not know how to take care of themselves this same way. I understand I can be a lot to handle, but I make no apologies for it because those who love me understand in order to handle this kind of intense emotional presence they must share it and be working towards like internal goals. Those who give themselves space for emotional care and self examination are less likely to be exhausted by me, and communicate clearer, kinder, and with more respect - what it takes to hold relationship and share an emotional bond with each other. This is why I share such undying and intense love for those who feel the same. My chosen family, my soul partners, my healers, companions and truest friends.

Above all of it, no matter what else I am temporarily feeling at the time, I am nearly always deeply and intensely lonely. Lately, this stems from physical isolation due to a combination of COVID and my own chronic illness. From the feeling of everything I once had planned, all my dreams and ideas and hopes for the future, being pulled out from under me both by personal illness and global pandemic. I watch others move on, go “back to normal”, gather and celebrate - and there is almost too much for even me to feel. Fear, at gathering again when so many are stubbornly unvaccinated. Jealousy, of the ability to do so, and deep pain, at seemingly being ignored and deserted through it all.

Though, of course, I am not alone in this experience whatsoever. Being politically marginalized as woman, disabled, and queer, I find so much in common with these communities, who are watching the same. We are forgotten in the same way, left behind for the same reasons. All while recognizing myself as privileged because I am white and educated. I know for a fact my experiences are not unique, and I am not alone. I recognize this, it is why I write. Why I speak out, refusing to stay silent for a single moment. Without my voice, even while aware I am not alone, I am going through all of this largely by myself. Therapy and meds can only do so much against such an actively, systemically hostile environment as the US currently is for marginalized people. The human body can only handle so much emotional pain. We can only experience/watch so much brutality. We can only ignore and fall deaf to so many cries for help.

I can turn off the news. I can shut off my socials. I can turn off my phone and deactivate my accounts. I can hide post after post all day long. It can only serve so well in the face of simply knowing, deeply, personally, that the violence and desertion and hostility does not go away just because you’re not seeing it anymore. All that means is that I’ve ignored one event - one shooting - one queer child being exiled from their home - one woman in danger - one more ableist rearing their ugly heads - one more needless death of an innocent person. I am sad. I am angry. I am afraid. For legitimate and real reasons. I am so far beyond being able to turn it off, ignore, bury, and pretend anymore. Without large scale cultural, political, and environmental change, everyone I share so much in common with will continue to feel this way.

And all of this makes me profoundly lonely. So this is me, doing what I do when feeling strong emotions. Speaking. Processing. Reaching out. Sharing. Communicating. Giving it space, exposing it in the light for what it is. Here it is, on the table, forced into the open, just like airing out any dirty laundry. It will not be allowed to hide or shrink, because I must be allowed to breathe.

And suddenly, it feels just a little easier to bear.

[locria-writes]

So between Tuk'oer, Vezian, and Valentin, who's the biggest asshole? I feel like these are top 3 amongst the trashmen but I don't know just who is the biggest asshole in the top 3 itself.

i got a wholeass essay on this topic

tl;dr --

valentin -- 7/10 asshole, but a pretty decent guy underneath it all. has his own moral code that he does mostly adhere to, is capable of recognizing his assholery, and is the only one on this list capable of genuine and unselfish love.

tuko'er -- 9/10 asshole, very little redeemable about him, except that he is capable of introspection and self-reflection. had the potential to actually be a great guy, but got too embittered by the world and can't let go of the past. capable of genuine love, but it'll never not be selfish.

vezian -- 10/10 asshole, he doesn't even have the cool tragic backstory the others have to back his shit up. he was never a good guy, not even when he was a protagonist, and not now as an antagonist-figure. i don't really know if he's capable of genuine love.

long essay

Valentin is objectively an asshole. He's a hypocrite when it comes to his treatment of MC, has no qualms about lying/cheating/murdering his way to power, and is just generally unnecessarily blunt, surly, and quarrelsome, but underneath all that, he doesn't just have the potential to be a great guy -- he's actually quite valiant, albeit with some moral liberties and questionable methods, but let's take what we can get, okay?

His whole arc revolves around his pursuit of revenge, at least that's how others see it. But to Valentin, it's a fight to amend his rightfully-perceived injustices. He isn't doing it wholly for himself, in fact, his primary motivation is to seek justice for his mother, and in a broader respect, for all the others who have the same story he does. He doesn't hurt those he perceives as weaker than himself, and he doesn't blame the faultless, most of the time. MC is is the only exception to this because through all the hurt and anger that's been pent-up, Valentin's able to justify to himself why she's an acceptable target, and bend his principles just this once.

Unlike the other two, Valentin's perfectly capable of genuine and unselfish love, and already demonstrates it before MC. If MC were anyone else, he'd absolutely treat her very well, and he wouldn't have any qualms about acknowledging any feelings toward her. MC's only flaw is that she's Burkhard's daughter, and at the very least, Valentin can acknowledge his hypocrisy and deep down, he knows it's unfair to hate and hurt her for reasons far beyond any control.

On a meta-level, is Valentin's character an asshole? Yes, but only in this specific scenario. If his father had been even just 10% less of an asshole, or if he had a strong and non-murderous paternal role model, he wouldn't be a victim of Asshole Syndrome. Would he still be a surly jerk? Absolutely, but he'd be pretty harmless to MC overall, so he's a 7/10 asshole in AAB, but a 5/10 asshole as a character concept, if that makes sense.

Tuko'er, oh this piece of shit, Tuko'er. Undoubtedly an asshole's asshole, he's petty, ruthless, vicious, and completely unhinged. He takes delight in hurting the one he loves, and even more out of just being toxic toward her, and to be totally honest, he just wants to drag her down to his level so he won't be so lonely down there hell. He's an irredeemable abuser who is perpetuating the cycle, but let's take a step back for a second to look at how we got here.

He grew up in a household where power was the only thing that mattered. His father scorned him and set out to purposefully to make him miserable because of his mother is, and his mother was emotionally-unavailable and resented him for being his father's son. His older siblings either ignored and tormented him, and the same went for the servants. Despite all this, he was still very much a noble and magnanimous wide-eyed idealist, though he was internalizing all of this shitty behaviour deep down. Tuko'er craved affection and validation, received neither from his household, and the only person he ever really connected with and felt 'seen' by was Utanzhu. Funny enough, his frustrations over how powerless and useless he was in helping her all culminated to him falling victim to Asshole Syndrome, and becoming everything he didn't want to be. Lo and behold, it worked in his favour, and validated his behaviour.

At one point, before he became an asshole, Tuko'er loved genuinely and unselfishly. He craved affection, but never thought he was entitled to it, but now, after embracing shitty behaviour so long, it's become completely twisted. He treats his consorts and Samazy indifferently -- polite, distant, and doing no more and no less than what's expected, while with Utanzhu, it's an all-consuming, irrational, and distorted love.

Like Valentin, Tuko'er is an asshole, but only under specific scenarios. If he had others he could trust, or if he had been sent away to a different court, he wouldn't have become a poster child for Asshole Syndrome. In fact, he would've probably completely embraced his noble ideals, and become more like Yumaju, to be honest. Or at the very least, closer to what Valentin is, misguided and hurt, and trying to retake control of his life by fighting against those who hurt him. In KoK, he's absolutely a 9/10 asshole with few -- if any -- redeeming qualities left, while he goes from about a 3-7/10 asshole as a character concept.

Now Vezian, my sweet and beloved Asshole Supreme. The OG Trashman, the Prototype Locria-Trashman, the guy who was just as deplorable when he was written to be a protagonist as he is now as an antagonist, an arrogant and pompous character who became a narcissistic psychopath the more I wrote him etc, etc, etc. I can't tell if he's more of a megalomaniac or a psychopath or a narcissist, but I can tell that he's a real piece of work, and desperately needs some therapy (to be honest, they all do though).

Unlike Valentin and Tuko'er, he actually had a very good childhood. Sure, there were some snide remarks about his status and his mother, but overall, his mother loved him dearly, his father was at the very least, not overtly-abusive, his siblings, the Empress, and the other consorts were all either civil, or just distant to him, and the servants charged with caring for him all treated him well. Sure, he was always an arrogant little brat, but in a way, it was justified since he was very intelligent and talented, it's just too bad he's completely embraced the Asshole Syndrome. Nobody who really matters puts him down, but Vezian's internalized those whispers he used to hear about himself as a child, and has now convinced himself that everyone sees him that way, and that Launcelin, is out to get him.

Can he love genuinely and unselfishly? At the moment, it's a tentative yes, since he does love his mother and Doradeira, but other than them, I don't know if he's capable of forming that kind of bond with anyone else, even if he does fall in love with MC. In 10+ years of writing him, I've always flip-flopped on this aspect because I'd like to believe in the best for Vezian, and that he can eventually learn to be less selfish, more open-minded, but the older I get, the less it seems likely because he doesn't think he needs help/change, and how can one grow and mature if they refuse to believe they need to in the first place?

So Vezian's absolutely an asshole in ABEA, 10/10 the others wish they could be as irredeemable as him, but on a meta level, I don't really know? I feel like he could become a regular harmless douchecanoe if he ever got the help he needed, but do I think he'd ever accept help, or even acknowledge that he needs it? He's still such a difficult character to grasp, even though I've been writing him the longest in this list.

[ericamzdm]

Catra and Melog (S5E8)

Again, there are bits of this that ...don’t quite land for me, but going through the structure here:

(~4:30)

Bow: “If my helmet were that adorable, I’d leave it on, too.”

Catra: “It is not!” [comedic struggle to remove helmet ensues]

(~5:40)

Bow and Glimmer: [spinning a visibly uncomfortable Catra around between them]“Catra’s first mission! Catra’s first mission!”

(~10:15 ET)

Bow: “The angrier you get, the cuter you are!”

Catra: [lunges at Bow]

Throughout the first 1/3rds of the episode, we have Glimmer and Bow engaging in “good-natured teasing” that visibly upsets Catra - which only means they escalate it until Catra has a go at Bow.

This is, frankly, kinda shitty behaviour from Glimmer and Bow. It’s them violating boundaries Catra has implicitly set (“I’m not cute!”, discomfort with touch) because to them the boundaries seem silly and arbitrary. Haha, look how funny it is that Catra gets upset over being called cute, let’s do it again!

That said, given the structure of the episode, I am going to be generous and assume the intended read is:

Bow and Glimmer really are being good-natured, and are attempting to bond

They are misreading Catra’s behaviour as playful ‘mock anger’/minor irritation, because Catra deflects (with sarcasm, avoidance, arguing), rather than acknowledging and addressing her emotions.

This failure to meaningfully manage her internal experience leads to Catra becoming increasingly agitated, and eventually responding to minor provocations by lashing out.

(Structurally this is a difficult needle to thread, because you want the severity of Catra’s upset to be obvious to the audience, while believably hiding it from the other characters. Which is why it doesn’t quite land for me - Catra’s just not doing an objectively good job of masking her anger/discomfort here, so Bow and Glimmer ignoring it feels more callous/malicious than they likely intended.)

=============

Now, a PSA about anger:

Anger is not Abuse

Anger is an emotion. Abuse is a [pattern of] harmful behaviour. They are not the same thing.

Anger is a real, valid, normal, healthy emotion, just like all the other emotions. There is nothing wrong with getting angry or being angry, and experiencing anger does not make you a bad person. I’m intentionally not qualifying this - you get to be angry over trivial, irrational, unreasonable things! There’s no moral threshold you have to cross before you’re allowed to feel your feelings.

What you don’t get to do is blame your feelings for the actions you decide to take. Your feelings are an internal experience. They are not an alien force that controls your behaviour.

=================

(~16:00)

Bow: “It’s just so cute!”

Catra: “It’s not cute!”

Melog: [turns red, spiky and aggressive]

Bringing this back to the children’s cartoon: Melog’s dramatization of Catra’s feelings isn’t there to make the BFS go “Golly gee, I didn’t realize Catra was so upset”. An outside observer should be able to tell that, without needing an animate mood ring.

No, the person who needs visual feedback on Catra’s emotional state is Catra. Who struggles to recognize her own emotions, because she spent a lifetime being told (overtly and covertly) that her “negative” feelings were invalid and unreal, and that she should just stop having them (leading to cycles of deflection/repression followed by destructive lashing out). 

(~16:10)

Catra: “I’m sorry, I got angry. It’s something I’m working on.”

Adora: “Oooh, you are?”

Catra: [irritated] “Yes. Now can you please--” [deep breath] [brittle cheerfulness] “Yes, I am. I think this thing responds to emotions.” [normal tone of voice] “So, can you not give me a hard time right now?”

The “therapy” function Melog fulfills isn’t “teaching Catra to not be angry” - no one uses that brittle tone if they’re not fuming - it’s “Helping Catra recognize and acknowledge when she is angry, so that she can manage her internal experience in a healthy way, rather than an impulsive and destructive one.”

By recognizing that she is angry - and that her anger is real and valid, even if it is over something “silly” like teasing - Catra can then manage her feelings and the situation constructively (apologize for initially lashing out; own her emotions; deep breath to re-center herself; unambiguously establish her needs and boundaries).

Again, can’t stress this enough - Catra gets to keep feeling all her feelings. She gets to be angry, including at people she loves (Because the people we love can be infuriating). She gets to be sad and anxious and frightened and frustrated. The change is is how she deals with having those feelings. That she is finding ways to manage her feelings that don’t involve hurting other people to make herself feel better.

Adora: “No. Sorry, sorry. Do your thing.”

(For her part here, Adora accepts Catra’s assessment of her own emotional needs, rather than either demanding she stop having needs or insisting her needs are for Adora to determine. which is another check mark on the “Adora has mysteriously resolved her bullshit, despite continuing to have less self-knowledge than your average rock.”* list.

*Again, it’s not that I don’t like Adora! But her struggle to build a healthy Sense of Self, one where she can distinguish between Herself and other people, remains a core character trait. As such, I really would have liked a little bit more focus on her working through her half of this dance. Like. Any. At all.)

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I know we are all discussing the latest episode of Season 16, but I need to wrap up 11 for my own sanity (because there is a LOT to discuss in my Season 12 rewatch already), so without further ado - more rambling for you.

I’m not going to include 11x20: Don’t Call Me Shurley because I think I’d like to do an entire Chuck - arc - series.  Rob Benedict is a gift; that dad mug kills; and I love that the fan theories about Chuck spinning around this fandom for years turned out to be correct after all (WEIRD HOW THAT HAPPENS WITH CHARACTERS EH).  Moving on.

As you will recall, two recaps and many many many crackhead other posts from my corner of super hell ago, I ended the 11x18 recap with this image of Amara realizing...”something” after Dean said Cas’s name (just before she took Casifer with her), Dean/Amara unbreakable connection be damned. Speaking of unbreakable connection this post is partially the AMARA DISSERTATION.  Buckle up.

FF to 11x21: All in the Family; the boys are shooting the shit with Chuck and in the meantime, Amara is torturing Casifer.  Important to note that just recently the actual Cas was enlightened that Dean wants him to cast Lucifer out, so I presume he is a little more active at this point, and that strengthens the following hypothesis.  Look how Amara is looking at Casifer here:

And here, right before she touches him on the chest.

It’s the same look she gave Dean. She’s trying to decipher something; trying to figure something out. 

She appears to Dean in the VERY next scene, to show him how she is torturing Casifer.  But the real point is, of course, to show him how its affecting the physical form of Cas, reminding him its not just Lucifer who is suffering.  It works.  

DEAN 

Amara is – she's in my head. [Sam looks at him sharply] Hey, I didn't ask for it, okay? She just showed up. But she's showing me visions of – of Lucifer. By Lucifer, I mean Cas, and he looks like crap – like she's really doing a number on him.

***Note, yet again, despite the *connection* Amara/Dean supposedly share, all he can think about and talk about is Cas.

And Amara knows it.  That’s the realization she has in 11x18.  Dean loves Cas.  Then, in 11x21 she realizes Cas loves Dean.  So, she uses it to her own ends.  Smart girl.  

Enter Donatello (I love him), prophet of (not) the Lord.  He, Metatron, and Sam set out to rescue Casifer while Dean distracts Amara.  If we start with the presumption she now has the prior additional insight, the following snippets of dialogue hit a little different.

AMARA

This place, this world hasn't been especially easy for you. Why not at least consider my offer?

*********

DEAN

You're right. I am drawn to you. And it bothers the hell out of me, 'cause I can't control it.

AMARA

Then why fight it? What you're feeling is that I am the end of your struggle. 

***AHEM, this was not the FACE CUPPING I requested.

What keeps Dean from having it all?  What is his struggle?  It’s not the monsters or the hunting.  Dean’s repeatedly shown he loves this life; he doesn't want anything else (and the one time he did try it in Season 6, it was half-ass at best, and he left the minute Sam returned to go back to hunting).  Dean’s KEY struggle in the show is internal.  He represses his feelings, pushes his pain aside, resulting in a cycle of self-loathing and anger.  That cycle keeps him from having it all - accepting he can be loved, allowing himself to give his heart to someone else.  And at this point, Amara not only knows that someone else is Cas, she knows that Cas feels the same way.  Girl, welcome to super hell.  Take a damn seat by Sam.

11x22: We Happy Few

I’ll skim through this one so this post doesn’t completely make your eyes bleed due to the sheer length.  

The splicing with the scenes of everyone assembling different factions to form the new “line-up” needed to trap Amara is excellent. I’ve already done a short post on the brilliance of Dean heading to get Crowley and the ex-boyfriend mood of it all (Dean, of all people, telling Crowley to sober up gives me an ENTIRE head canon of the Crowley/demon!Dean unseen dynamic in Season 10).   And of COURSE Dean knows exactly what to say to convince Crowley to get on board. I also enjoy our future Sam-witch as the emissary to Rowena (”three’s a coven” would be a great tattoo, TBH).

BONUS:

I love her.

Big fight scene with Amara ensues, but this isn’t the finale so she cannot be beaten.  However, right before she mortally wounds Chuck, she does this:

[Yelling, LUCIFER charges her from behind again, but AMARA flings him hard against a support pillar across the room.]

AMARA

Goodbye, nephew.

[She banishes LUCIFER. CASTIEL slumps unconscious to the floor.]

DEAN: Cas! 

(He rushes AMARA, but she flings him away without effort.)

***She banishes Lucifer.  She could have just killed him.  Ended him entirely, and Cas along with him.  But she BANISHES LUCIFER.  Because of what she learned in the prior episode.  Because of the pain she saw in both of those idiots.

She does this for Dean.

Anyway, thank you Casifer FOR YOUR SERVICE.  I miss you already.

11x23: Alpha and Omega

There is nothing more precious than Dean sending his brother to check on GOD while he goes to check on his boyfriend:

DEAN: [Grunting]

Check on him.

SAM: [kneels next to Chuck]

Hey. Chuck?

[Dean kneels down next to Cas and puts a hand on his shoulder. Cas stirs and looks up at Dean]

CAS:

Dean.

DEAN:

Cas? Hey, is that you?

***All the heart eyes for the reunion!!

*********ALSO SHOULDERRRRRRRR

Chuck is dying, Rowena bonds with him.  Crowley is gold in this finale.  I MISS YOU MARK.  This line is NOT in the transcript/script I used, and it potentially being ad libbed makes it even better.

Dean decides to deal with the end of the world by drinking ONE beer, then deciding there is “not enough” beer and grabbing Cas for a beer (and....*feelings*) run.

DEAN:

You know what? This isn't gonna be enough. I better make a run.

[Sighs]

No reason to die sober, huh?

[to Sam]

You want to?

SAM: [frustrated] 

No!

*********************

DEAN:

Be right back.

SAM:

I'll stay here, find our Plan B.

DEAN:

Okay. Cas, come on.

Nothing makes me more pleased than the assumption that of COURSE Cas is coming with him.  I mean, he just got him back.  Also, Sam is frustrated because he is back in super hell, obvi ;)   

***Now we have the little “you’re our brother” bit in the Impala beer run dialogue, but to me it’s because Dean doesn’t know how else to express what he’s feeling.  Repression, people.  

The look of literal PAIN on Cas’s face at the “brother” line makes me cackle.  Misha Collins DESERVES AN EMMY; he is doing the Lord’s work with his Acting Choices here.

This little part before is what really gets me though, especially with all of the WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:

[Dean and Cas are driving in the Impala]

DEAN:

How you doing? You good?

I mean, you know, the whole Lucifer thing.

CAS:

I was just... so stupid.

DEAN:

No, no, no. It wasn't stupid.

You were right. You were right to let Lucifer ride shotgun.

Me and Sam wouldn't have done that.

CAS:

Well, it didn't work.

DEAN:

No, but it was our best shot, and you stepped up.

CAS:

I was just trying to help.

DEAN:

Well, and you do help, Cas.

***ITS JUST SO LOVELY.  Dean asking Cas how he is doing (what Cas always asks Dean); telling Cas he wasn’t stupid (throwback to Cas telling Dean he was stupid “for the right reasons”); acknowledging that Cas does HELP.  That he is important and appreciated.  THIS IS SUCH GROWTH.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Speak his love language, King.

Anyway, then Dean turns into a human bomb because martyr!dean gonna martyr and be “daddy’s (Chuck filling that role here) blunt little weapon” and we get -

THE DESTIEL GOODBYE. Tell me they didn’t actually go canon for the FIRST time here.  I will fight you.

LOOK at Cas watching him in the background. 

These fucking desolate eyes. I’m crying.

THEY JUST GOT EACH OTHER BACK -  

(I recognize this .gif is meh quality but I love that he turns and walks to him and Cas just GRABS him in this crushing hug)

DEAN [accepts the hug good-naturedly but then looks sad]

Okay, okay.

***”good naturedly??? ok Jensen “Acting Choices” Ackles. That is not “good nature” that is BLISS.

AND THEN THIS -

SOBS IN ENOCHIAN.

***I literally had to remind myself that the reunion hug is coming; it’s just an episode away.  I’ll make y’all feel better too; here it is - A PERFECT PARALLEL. Curse this show.

MORE OF THIS “GOOD NATURED” HUGGING PLEASE.

Anyways, back to depressing subtext.  

DEAN:

Okay, look. I want a big funeral.

All right? I'm talking epic.

Okay? Open bar, choir, Sabbath cover band, and Gary Busey reading the eulogy.

*****This scene lives in my mind rent-free as PROOF 15x20 doesn’t exist.

I can’t skip over further growth in Dean’s goodbye to Sammy.

***He’s being serious. Seasons 1-3 Dean would never have admitted this.  I was a blubbering mess at this point.

So, Dean heads to Amara, and the rest of the gang heads to the bar.

CROWLEY:

Your round, Moose.

***I would love an entire bottle episode of Crowley, Sam, Rowena, and Chuck at that bar TBH.

And then, Dean saves the day.  BUT NOT by dying and sacrificing himself, letting himself be used as a weapon of mass destruction.  No, he fixes the DAMN WORLD by connecting to Amara emotionally, and bringing her and Chuck back together, because he understands that not to be alone is what she really needs; that her own struggle is the same as his - letting in love instead of raging against it and fighting her own need for companionship.   Because that’s where ELDEST SIBLING AMARA AND Dean Winchester CONNECT.  Amara isn’t in love with Dean.  She identifies with Dean.  She sees her own feelings in him, her own pain, and that’s why she exorcises Lucifer and saves Cas - FOR Dean.  Amara’s just a Dean girl, everyone.   And we know Dean girls protect Cas at all costs.

Yup.  Amara Dean Girl Darkness Heller.  

That’s it.  That’s the dissertation.

See you in Season 12, where I will attempt to figure out the reason behind the British Men of Letters, killing Hitler, the brain melt that is Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox, the comedy of errors that is Cas playing Dean hot and cold, and the Mary Winchester of it all. 

[uneducatorsalliance]

Death by Capitalism: The Alienated Life of Troy Maxson

Erik Meier, on “Fences” by August Wilson

FULL TEXT OF FENCES 

WORK CITED

     In “Fences”, August Wilson illustrates the life and times of Troy Maxson in the stories and experiences he references in his children’s upbringing. They include oppression, abuse, corruption and abandonment from his caretakers and society. Marxist Theory outlines the structure of capitalist society which operates on the foundation of mode of production. This structure highlights the social ideology that manipulates and displaces Troy from his labor, his children and himself. Troy’s experiences become the foundation for the morals and lessons he misconstrues and elicits in his children. His false providence blinds him to the emotional, physical and monetary labors and debts cast on his father’s generation, by society, and cast onto him. This conflict is suspended in the balance of liberation for his family and oppression he casts in the process, operating in this society. He fails to witness the values of his labor, the true purpose of his life and place in the world. This leads to the repetitive cycle of abandonment and displacement that continue to contribute to their capitalist society.   

     In “Marx’s Use of “Class””, Bertel Ollman refers to two categories Marx considered to make up the structure of a developed capitalist society. The first category is the capitalist (owner of the means of social production) and the proletarian (employers of wage labor). The capitalist owns the means of production, therefore owning the means of labor and distribution of them (Ollman, 2).  Troy and his boss Mr. Rand, for example, may both be considered wage laborers, however the commissioner would be considered a capitalist, as would the contributors who hold stock in the ownership of their company. He determines the distribution of labor and prices set on their respective wages. Mr. Rand is white, and Troy is Black. The construct of racism is an extension of the social ideology of class separation. This construct works to benefit the social structure of this society, exploiting the labor of black individuals by devaluing them while profiting off of their labor. This determines Troy’s individual and labor as a lesser value based on the color of his skin and places him in a lower-class bracket. Mr. Rand, however, is white and offered access to the position that offers a higher wage. Troy recognizes his ability to play baseball just as well as the white men in his league and athletic cohort, despite being denied the opportunities to do so. He challenges this again to Mr. Rand and the commissioner when representing himself and his abilities to drive a truck and earn a better wage based on his skill. Regardless of skill and race, their wages are driven by and delivered to those in the ruling class of landowners (a third class category of capitalist society), described in “Marx’s Uses of Class” (Ollman 6).

      The foundation for Troy’s will to live a pursue a life of independence after his father abandons him, exists in the needs to sustain it. These needs include food, shelter access to labor and the income to provide them. The ideological barriers set by his society separate him from earning wages to sufficiently meet these needs and he seeks them by shamefully robbing from those who have excess or access to them. The means to his family’s housing, needs can be considered commodities, as they are met and provided by the income that grants access to them. This income is exchanged for the time Troy gives in the form of his labor, to his company in exchange for income. Marx refers to this exchange as commodification, or the monetary value placed on that time reserved for labor (output). This operates under what Marx referred to as the ‘mode production’, and is elaborated in Geert Reuten’s writings on The Capitalist Economy in which the ruling class seizes profit by owning the means of production that distributes access to goods and services to people as well as the labor and wages to produce them. Under the ‘capitalist mode of production’ highlighted in the book “The Unity of Capitalist Economy and State” Reuten says, “Along with this commodification and the wage income deriving from it, the households’ acquirement of production outputs of enterprises takes the form of commodified ‘consumption’” (Reuten 52). The pride that Troy demonstrates for his abilities to provide for his family is displaced. Though it is opposite his father’s shame (for not providing them) he still recycles and demonstrates the tensions, want and dominant control for quality life. When he discusses his hatred for his father, Troy struggles to define the trap his father is in. It is not the guilt of abandoning of his family that traps him, or the responsibility to stay. It is the societal barriers that keep him locked into his labor, void of anything beyond that, including freedom, love or care. This anchors him to a family he cannot provide for and does not wish to. 

TROY How he gonna leave with eleven kids? And where he gonna go? He ain't knew how to do nothing but farm. No, he was trapped and I think he knew it. But I'll say this for him . . . he felt a responsibility toward us. Maybe he ain't treated us the way I felt he should have . . . but without that responsibility he could have walked off and left us . . . made his own way. (Wilson 1.3.37-38)

     Though Troy is able to recognize the loyalty modeled for him by his father, it is coupled with abuse, betrayal and abandonment from his parents. The internalized hatred, anger and pain displayed in Troy and his father are reflective byproducts of the dehumanization and segregation placed on them by their society. This shapes their conflict which results in abandonment, consequently contributing to and demonstrating the same capitalist societal model. 

     Despite the ideological barriers set by society and recognized by Troy, he capitalizes on the inheritance from his brother’s military compensation as well as his own labor income. He now controls the means to his own family’s needs, and the distributions of them, including money, housing, food and protection. In an article featured in “The Black Scholar”, released post-civil rights movement, Alfonso Pinkney discusses methods of liberation attempted by Black Americans who remain segregated, oppressed and obstructed in white European American dominated capitalist society. He says, 

     “...and because the very notion of assimilation as defined by white                       Americans is racist in that it demands that they share and adopt middle-             class white cultural standards, that assimilation at the present time is neither       likely nor desirable” (Pinkney 37). 

     Troy’s capitalization is coupled with his assimilation and previous sacrifices to survive and provide as a Black man in America, Consequently, they have made him bitter and self-righteous. This is revealed in the disdain and conditional relationships he has with his children. Lyons is attuned to the disparities his father faces, who is undervalued and underutilized at his job. He wants no part in contributing to the society his father remains submissive to. Lyons would rather seek value in the labor that liberates him spiritually and serves him purpose and meaning. Despite his lack of wage labor experience, Cory is aware of his talents and the opportunities that follow. This includes access to education and the potential for an independent life, afforded to him by his passions. This secures value in himself but is quickly met with disapproval, from Troy and his authority from his experience with racial oppression in sports. 

TROY. I don’t care where he coming from. The white man ain’t gonna let you get nowhere with that football noway. (Wilson I.3.37-38) The same sentiment is shared when Lyons returns home to ask Troy for a loan while his wife Bonnie works to meet their financial needs. Lyons doesn’t seem ashamed that his wife is bringing in the income for their family, nor does he ask for any more than he knows they need to get by. Lyons and Cory can understand the value of their father’s labor and the liberties it has afforded them, though Troy feels owed for these efforts. 

    Troy’s monetary and material expectations for his children through labor and hard work are mixed with his desires for liberation from the society they must exist in. His demands for unquestioned respect and compliance adhere to this system which blind him from the values his children see in themselves and their father. The tragic theme in August Wilson’s drama is what Karl Marx referred to as Alienation. Mike Healy elaborates in Marx and Digital Machines:   

     “Marx argues that capitalism, in which labour itself becomes a commodity,          continues yet contorts this process to create a contradictory, conflictual              and universal alienated condition in which all relations under capitalism are        alienated relations” (Healy 8).

     In Marx’s third type of alienation is The Alienation of Species. The ‘Species being’ refers to the nature and spirit attached to, recognized and utilized by the individual self. This comes with autonomy, agency and will to serve the values of the self, allowing the self to connect with others. The alienation of nature and spirit (species-being) is the abandonment or failure to connect with the self. This is consequential, following what Marx’s described as the alienation of labor (the act of production) to the self which is replaced by the worker (Healy 10). Consequently, Troy no longer recognizes or seeks meaning and purpose in his own life and therefore cannot see the value in the lives around them.

     The societal conditioning that shaped Troy’s father has been internalized by Troy and attempted on Lyons and Cory. Cory breaks the tension and cycle of generational abuse in this revelation and last interaction with his father. 

TROY You got to get by where? This is my house. Bought and paid for. In full. Took me fifteen years. And if you wanna go in my house and I'm sitting on the steps . . . you say excuse me. Like your mama taught you. (Wilson 2.4.86-87)

CORY You ain’t never done nothing but hold me back. Afraid I was gonna be better than you. All you ever did was try and make me scared of you. (Wilson 2.4.88-89)

CORY It ain't your yard. You took Uncle Gabe's money he got from the army to buy this house and then you put him out.  (Wilson 2.4.89-90)

     Cory has just been stripped of his own opportunity for a future he wanted, leaving him to join the ranks of the same military that permanently disabled his uncle. Troy’s final effort to assert dominance is to threaten to abandon Cory and take away his needs and means for survival. This is quickly challenged as Cory resorts to an attempt on Troy’s life. In his physical defeat, Cory has exposed the travesty of his father’s entitlement and abuse, becoming the last person to abandon Troy. In this unveiling of Troy’s corrupt act of survival, his alienation is fully revealed to him, moments before his inevitable death. The labor, time and wages he contributes to his family, along with his brother’s stolen inheritance, act as the means of control and distributions he holds over them. These means also support and contribute to the liberty for his sons, to choose direction in their lives. This freedom acts as the resistance to the control and dominance Troy attempts to assert on them in this process of capitalist production. He realizes his life has no value as long as he fails to see beyond the monetary gain and labor capacity attached to it. This capacity and gain are the means that replace any vision of the role he plays in his family or to himself. Death now approaches to remind him of this and takes the liberty of relinquishing Troy Maxson from the shackles of his racist capitalist dominant society and his own imprisonment.

[preservationandruin]

Rhythm of War Liveblog, Part 1

Next Post

Let’s DO this, gang! I’m extremely excited for this book and to see what happens in it, so buckle up and get ready for a wild ride with me, because I can genuinely say that I have no idea what’s going to happen in this one. Oathbringer left us at what felt like a solid end of act one (initial villains defeated, main villain has been seen, characters have had a solid victory) so I’m not sure how this one will go. 

Also, I just want to say before I go into the actual liveblog, I love the fact that Sanderson opens the book with his credits and includes crediting someone who acted as expert on Dissociative Identity Disorder for helping write Shallan. I know that in the past I wasn’t particularly articulate or aware of Shallan as a character with DID while writing my liveblogs, and I’m going to attempt to be better about that going forward. 

That said, let’s get going! I geek out about the front materials as always, and then we get our Obligatory Feast Flashback as Navani deserves better and I grow blisteringly furious with Gavilar for small things before we even hit the real reasons to be furious with Gavilar Kholin.  Content warning: discussion of abuse in the context of a relationship

We open with a beautiful color map of Roshar, which I always love seeing--love this weird-ass supercontinent, gang--and then a diagram of Urithiru, including a sense of how far it extends underground that honestly looks like a picture of how much of an iceberg is underwater. I recognize parts of this--we may have had this diagram before--but I didn’t pick up on exactly how massive the place was. The chasmfiend barely reaching the fourth floor sketched in conveys a mind-blowing sense of scale. Also, nice to have a diagram of which gate goes where and a full list of where they go; Panatham, Rall Elorim, Shinovar, Akinah, Azimir, Thaylen City, Narak, Kholinar (F in the chat for Kholinar, honestly), Vedenar, and Kueth. 

There’s another diagram of essentially a series of lifts within Urithiru, and a cross-section of the atrium that again does wonders for a sense of scale--and then we have our obligatory Gavilar’s Death Flashback! This time, it’s Navani, who is stuck figuring out where, logistically, to put the drums we see the Parshendi playing in every other feast flashback. Apparently, Navani bullied Amaram into sharing his grain stores with everyone, and if you thought Amaram being dead would mean I stopped dunking on Amaram, you clearly don’t know how petty I can be. 

Okay, so let me get this straight. Gavilar invited one of the world’s most prominent artifabrians--someone in Navani’s field, or at least adjacent to it--to Kholinar, didn’t tell her, and then saddled her with organizing his entire feast? Navani. Navani, honey. May I recommend a service to you. 

So Navani is the one who had to organize the ENTIRE feast, because Aesudan wasn’t doing anything, Dalinar was drinking, and Gavilar was off being cryptic with Amaram and the fucking Sons of Honor or whatever the Pretentious Asshole Men’s Club call themselves. And Navani is there trying to do the work of an entire administration, feeling horrible imposter’s syndrome both about her passions and about her job. Also, Navani sees Dalinar and is like. Actually I need to go get some air right now immediately. 

I do like the flip-side of the book one “Dalinar sees Navani at a feast and immediately goes deer-in-the-headlights terrified”, though, although I’m so glad Navani waited for him to sober up and get his shit together before actually tapping that. 

Okay, Navani finds Gavilar and someone talking about Braize. The specific quote is “Being able to bring them back and forth from Braize doesn’t mean anything, It’s too close to be a relevant distance.” They’re speaking about a box that allows travel and wait, Gavilar is having this meeting in Navani’s Study???? THROW. THE ENTIRE. MAN. IN. THE. GARBAGE. PUT HIM IN THE TRASH. 

Anyway, he’s meeting with a tall Makabaki man with a birthmark on his cheek and a short Vorin man with a round face and a small nose; they don’t have home kingdoms named, so I’m actually willing to bet they might not be Rosharan at all. Certainly they’re speaking about worldhopping, and outside of the Rosharan system given that Braize is too close a distance to be relevant. They’re speaking over inverted gems, the ones that have been charged with voidlight and are glowing violet darknesses.  OH I WAS WRONG, THEY’RE NOT WORLDHOPPERS AFTER ALL. One mentions that “another of us is here tonight, I spotted her handiwork earlier” and the Vorin man snaps at the Makabaki, who he calls Nale. 

Alright, how many Heralds are in this goddamn building tonight?? It’s at least four. 

Okay, returning to my earlier comment about throwing the entire man in the garbage, Navani accuses Gavilar of not treating her like a person and instead like a machine and internally mentions that he’s never hurt her, but there have been “words. Comments. Threats.” 

He goes on to tell Navani to tell Jasnah to take Amaram back because “Few other suitors will consider her; I’ll likely need to pay half the kingdom to get rid of the girl if she denies Meridas again.” He also refers to her as Navani’s daughter, not their fucking child. I’m going to kill this man! Navani points out that she doesn’t like Amaram and Jasnah can do better, which she’s 100% right about as always. 

Honestly, if Jasnah married Amaram, Amaram would be dead. He would have died on the wedding night. She would have killed him and I support her wholeheartedly. Actually, it would have solved a lot of problems. Anyway I don’t know why I expected any better than this from a man who was friends with Amaram. 

Navani threatens Gavilar’s legacy by pointing out that she has control of how he’s seen in the future, pointing out that his children, Dalinar, and his nephews still love him because they don’t know who he really is, and she could change that--and then he flat-up starts negging her. 

Navani ends up so furious that she draws in the glyphs for Death, Gift, Death, in the shapes of Gavilar’s tower/sword heraldry. She then points out that the next day he’ll be giving her gifts, that he’s not like this to anyone else, just to her--and she blames herself, but that’s not right. 

This is abuse. That is textbook cycle of abuse. The incident of abuse is followed by a period of appeasement so that the abuse victim doesn’t leave and thinks things can be better. Navani says that Gavilar is kind to the others, but if he genuinely cared about his children and brother, he wouldn’t speak about them like that even in anger. He’s been consumed with his own ego. 

And then he dies. Navani is stunned, but she doesn’t grieve him, and decides to be the better person, giving him his legacy and pretending for the sake of everyone else that he wasn’t a monster. 

“Gavilar had left his life as he’d lived it: with grand drama that afterward required Navani to pick up the pieces.” 

Throw the whole man away. He doesn’t deserve that fucking legacy. No honor for abusers.

[awastelandheart]

Sebastian’s personality analyzed through his theory-crafted natal chart: The perspective of a professional astrologer.

PART ONE: SUN SIGN.

i apologize in advance to any capricorns i unintentionally read to filth in this post.

          i think out of all the bachelors   &   bachelorettes, Sebastian has the oddest, most abrasive post-marriage dialogue. i’ve heard plenty of people over the years complain about how awkward being married to him is   &   i, myself, tend to not marry him when i play since locking him in pelican town like that when he so clearly wants to leave feels bad. even before marriage as well, he has a lot of almost cringey   &   certainly concerning dialogue. Sebastian’s not a man that’s made for marriage or long term relationships i think, at least not in his early to mid 20s which is how old i believe he is in canon. unlike the rest of the bachelors   &   bachelorettes, his character arc   &   development don’t do much for melding him into someone worth being with. even Shane who is troubled in a much more obvious way than Sebastian has more moments of reflection that convince the player that he’s a good person despite his flaws. Sebastian may seem to be gentle in his internal struggle, it’s easy to believe that, at most, he’s rude   &   depressed, but i think there’s a lot more to unpack here that suggests he’s violent, angry to an awful degree,   &   possibly the worst marriage candidate, if not just the worst townie out of the whole cast.

          to start off with, i believe Sebastian’s sun sign is Capricorn. my reasoning for this is a blend between a post on reddit i found that used a simple algorithm to convert the in game dates to real dates. taking into account the slightly flawed method that gives each date 2-3 days worth of wiggle room,   “ january 17th ”   implies he’s on the Capricorn side of january. to be honest, when i was first thinking about what sun sign i wanted Sebastian to have, i was leaning towards Aquarius since he has several lines about escaping the town   &   wanting his freedom   ( both being very Aquarius-like qualities ),   however i think the case for Capricorn is much easier to make. to start off, i’ll give a run down of the most defining Capricorn characteristics, then i’ll move onto showing in-game examples of how Sebastian demonstrates these traits   ( while leaving room for his other natal positions that i’ll extrapolate on in more posts to come ).

          Capricorn is an earth sign, reveling in stability with a handful of almost toxic traits to display if that stability isn’t achieved. ruled by saturn, or kronos if you wanna get greek, Capricorns are at a constant war with themselves between the general human experience   &   cutting out as much superfluous expression   &   feeling as possible. the story of kronos is very reflective of the Capricorn struggle:   it’s the tale of a man   ( god, but that’s not important )   whose wife is predicted to bear a child who will surpass him   &   take his legacy. kronos, in his anxiety to prevent this change, begins eating each of his wife’s children as they’re born until one day, his wife replaces one of the newborns with a rock so that it will survive kronos’ consumption. of course this leads to the child growing up   &   indeed surpassing kronos just as the prophecy foretold. the lesson to be learned from kronos is one of restriction   &   the inevitability of time.

          between their earthly reliability   &   love of practicality, Capricorns are viewed as the traditional fathers of the zodiac sphere. they guard their values of yesteryear close to their chest. anything too different is cast far away from themselves or, rather, consumed until all traces are disposed of. thankfully not as stubborn as poor Taurus   ( another earth sign ),   Capricorns have a touch of adaptability in all their logic. their modality is cardinal, implying they take charge of situations. they are the leaders next to Cancer, Libra,   &   Aries:   any good leader knows when to give up their morals for the betterment of their charge. to boot, Capricorn is represented by the mythological creature, the sea-goat   ( a creature created by dear old kronos, himself, consisting of the torso of a goat   &   the tail of a fish );   the goat half delivering on that steady earthly nature of an unrelenting climb to the top of a mountain called life, yet the inclusion of the ocean in this aesthetic implying an amount of emotion only water signs can relate to.

          in the typical male-dominated, fatherly way, however, emotional expression does not exist for Capricorns, resulting in this implied depth to lurk well below a Capriorn’s surface. they are deeply independent in a way that leads to intense loneliness. they must do everything for themselves, another thing lovely kronos has taught us here. why look for a different solution to this problem when i so clearly have found one for myself, the ruler of saturn proclaims. a Capricorn’s independence is almost panic charged in this way. they so dearly want to be seen as capable that they will shred their own livelihood as a price. they are masters at self control for it, each having taught themselves the art of stoicism from a young age. Capricorns are at best, friendly in a superficial way. knowing their loneliness is created by their own hands but never knowing how to move passed their own cold   &   distant heart to enact any change necessary to improve their relationships.

          something that is often associated with Capricorns   &   the other earth signs is the act of earning money. while Taurus enjoys earning money to support their lavish, venus-ruled lifestyle   &   Virgo sees money as something to worry over thus resulting in them hoarding it, Capricorns crave for their income to be stable   &   plentiful in order to provide for their loved ones, or for the more lonely Capricorns, to provide for themselves.

          saturn is the first planet to take a substantial amount of time to complete its cycle through all the signs. compared to earth, which takes one year to complete its solar rotation   &   jupiter which takes 12, saturn takes upwards of 30 years. we astrologers take that as symbolical for how Capricorns get significantly better with age, as well as their   “ slow   &   steady wins the race ”   attitude. Capricorn is a sign of wisdom but only at the hand of experience. young Capricorns frequently find themselves discontented with their environment   &   lifestyle, craving a stability that cannot exist without first having established themselves in the world. every seven years it’s said, a Capricorn reaches a new level of understanding   &   maturity, as it is about every seven years that saturn completes 1/4th of its solar cycle.

          Capricorns, like Scorpios, love their privacy. regarded as one of the more shady signs of the zodiac, a Capricorn is the type of person to have everyone believing they know everything there is to know about them while simultaneously only ever revealing surface level knowledge about themselves. Capricorns love having friends   &   spending time with their loved ones, however they lack a sense of trust that would allow them to form deeper connections. while a Capricorn does experience their emotions as thoroughly as the rest of the zodiac, they have an equally intense insecurity about expressing them. a Capricorn lives their life wanting to be depended on or at least wanting to provide for those that do depend on them. emotions are seen as a weakness that cannot be spared.

          with the basic personality of a Capricorn outlined, i’ll now go through some choice quotes that demonstrate these traits   &   then talk about a few parts of his heart events that do the same.

“ if i just disappeared would it really matter ? ” “ i was thinking... people are like stones skipping over the water. Eventually we're going to sink. ” “ what am I going to do today ?   probably nothing.”

          when the player first meets Sebastian, he is overtly depressed   &   never goes out of his way to hide it. there is a solemn dark cloud filled with rain, ready to burst constantly following him   &   it’s difficult to ignore. this seriousness is very characteristic of many signs, Capricorn being one of them as it is ruled by Saturn, an outer planet with a very melancholic tone.

“ hey, don't let me stop you from getting your work done. if you aren't busy i don't mind if you stick around. ”

          this quote demonstrates the productive mindset of a Capricorn. compared to all the other bachelors, Sebastian is the only one to ever really consider the player’s work schedule.

“ i was so close to screaming at mom for throwing away my old comic collection   ...  but something stopped me. hmm   ...   with age comes wisdom. ” “ the older i get, the less i'm drawn to the city. ” “ sometimes i feel so angry  ...  but when you show up i always start to calm down. maybe i'll mellow out with age. ”

          while these quotes are also depicting other personality traits, for now i want to emphasize Sebastian’s constant referencing to the passage of time. time is always on a Capricorn’s mind, even the less self aware ones always feel the effects of its passage harsher than other signs. after dating   &   at points in marriage, which is when these quotes are from, Sebastian begins to view time as something more positive   &   optimistic. he recognizes that he has anger issues, at the very least,   &   hopes they’ll get better as time goes on. it’s quite the feat to make a Capricorn see growing older as something positive instead of something anxiety inducing, so from this alone we can really tell that Sebastian is absolutely in love with the player, without a doubt.

“ i couldn't sleep last night so I went for a night ride on the motorcycle. i need to stay independent, even though we're married. that's just how i am. i still love you, though. ” “ hey   ...   want some coffee ?   i needed some   ...   woke up early from a nightmare   &   i just couldn't fall back asleep. ” “ hey. i couldn't sleep last night so i took a walk to the caves. ” “ i'm going to take a walk today. i need some time to myself. i'll see you in the evening. ”

          Capricorns tend to be almost predisposed to sleep issues due to their immense amount of anxiety that comes with the disconnect between productivity   &   incapability, or craving emotional connection   &   viewing emotions as unnecessary. Capricorns are also fiercely independent, so independent that it’s no surprise Sebastian’s the kind of person to sneak out of bed   &   go off alone when feeling anxious instead of waking his partner up for comfort.

“ i don't want to get soft now that i'm a married guy. maybe i should start eating more hot pepper   &   working out ?   just an idea   ... ”

          while i’d also be willing to chalk this expression up to Sebastian being anxious about not passing as masc, i’m also willing to attribute this to a Capricorn being afraid of time passing   &   “ missing out ”   on life. growing soft can be a fear of a sign so dedicated to seeming tough   &   dependable.

“ i don't really feel like doing work today. maybe i'll see what's on tv. ” “ i did some work on the laptop today. ” “ i'm debating whether i should work or just read comics all day. ” “ you know, i should be doing something productive right now. i just lose focus too fast   ...   maybe i should drink more coffee ? ”

          Sebastian references his work so frequently, in typical Capricorn fashion because the urge to justify one’s pleasures by mentioning the fact that they’re also being productive is something ever-present. they are a very guilty breed;   on top of their other burdens, they feel especially bad for moments of relaxation or times when they should be doing something, but cannot bring themselves to.

“ you’re probably making a lot of money on your farm, huh ?   i guess i should get a job soon   … ” “ we should raise more slimes. in big quantities they can be really profitable. ” “ i did some work on the laptop today. i was actually brainstorming some ideas for a game i want to make. with your farming income, i can afford to do what i want with my life. it’s pretty amazing. thank you. ” “ hey. look at me. never forget that i love you   ...   you’re everything to me. now go make us some money. ” “ are we doing okay on money ?   i don’t want to have to sell my laptop   ... ” “ *sigh*   ...    if gas wasn’t so expensive i’d ride my motorcycle to the city today. so what do you do when you aren’t working ? ”

          Sebastian talks SO much about money   &   to me, it’s really hard to imagine concernedape didn’t intentionally make him a Capricorn with this much dialogue about income when no other bachelor or bachelorette has any mention of the topic   ( except for harvey who mentions he’s afraid he’s not bringing in enough money from the lack of people in town ).   the biggest one that jumps out at me to really signal a significant change in his personality after marriage is when he mentions having the freedom that comes with a steady income, a freedom that now allows him to do what he really wants which is, apparently, to make a video game. another one that jumps out at me here is his immediate association with feeling like he should get a job after assuming the player is making a lot of money. since income is such an important subject for Capricorns, it’s easy to imagine Sebastian feels inferior in comparison to the player since he’s   “ just ”   a freelancer.

“ i often felt unappreciated at home   ...   but here i feel like i really belong. ”

          this quote kind of hits Capricorn’s need to be appreciated   &   useful directly on the head   &   is a good transition for me to talk about the fact that Sebastian never progressed very far in his career while living at home with his family because he felt unappreciated. compared to how he almost immediately has a dialogue line after marriage where he tells the player he’s been inspired to make a video game, it’s easy to see the almost instant maturity Sebastian obtained just from moving out;   something he had assumed was in the far off future, implied by his heart scenes.

now let’s break down Sebastian’s heart events.

          his first heart even opens with him busy working, already a very Capricorn setting honestly, as i’ve said a few times now since Capricorns are prone to productivity. Robin enters after a moment   &   informs Sebastian that Abigail is looking for him, to which Sebastian responds to ask if his mother had informed Abigail that he’s working. Robin says that while she had, Abigail still intends on visiting Sebastian at some point today. Sebastian’s next piece of dialogue is very important.

“ *sigh* no one takes my job seriously. ”

          this is an incredibly Capricorn thing to say, both because Capricorns always feel the need to be taken seriously   &   also due to their signature insecurity about income.

          the scene continues so that the player can ask Sebastian what his career goals are. he explicitly says:   “ well, i’m trying to save up so i can move out of here. probably to the city or something, ”   which by itself is obviously very Capricorn, both nailing their need for income, their constant validation that they deserve what they want,   &   their desire for independence, however his dialogue continues for another textbox that contains the most Capricorn lines i’ve ever heard.

“ you know, if i went to college i’d probably be making six figures right now … ”   

          Sebastian is so very   &   obviously obsessed with money, it’s crazy to think he’s any other sign but Capricorn. this portion of the heart scene ends with him saying, 

“ but i just don’t want to be a part of that corporate rat race, you know ? ”   

          this dialogue i’m willing to attribute to another one of his signs at a later date in another post, but in my experience, i’ve known several Capricorn suns that feel the same:   that while they strive for a stable income, they hate participating in capitalistic culture.

          this first heart scene ends with Sebastian dismissing the player, saying he   “ has to get this module finished by tomorrow, ”   indicating he has a very set schedule when it comes to his work. organization being yet another characteristic trait of Capricorn.

          Sebastian’s second heart scene opens with the player catching him working on his bike. after a moment of introspection, Sebastian starts talking, again, about how when he saves enough money, he’s going to get out of the valley, just him   &   his bike. this scene doesn’t have anything specifically Capricorn about it   &   i plan on revisiting it when i talk about his other placements.

          likewise, Sebastian’s third   &   fourth heart scenes don’t have anything outrageously Capricorn in them   --   in fact neither scene tells us very much about Sebastian in particular aside from pointing out that he likes tabletop games   ( which obviously isn’t exclusively Capricorn by any means, but i’ve known so, so many Capricorn suns that have been hardcore into dnd over the years   ...  )   &   has social anxiety. i’ll most likely dip into his fourth heart scene a little more when i talk about his other placements, though.

          Sebastian’s fifth   (   &   final before marriage )   heart scene is, of course, important,   &   probably the most memorable for anyone who’s played Sebastian’s route, but it honestly doesn’t tell us much about his core personality. what it does tell us is how he acts   &   feels when he’s in love, so i’ll definitely come back to this scene when i talk about his venus position.

          &   that’s on his heart scenes !

          so, in summary, i believe Sebastian has a Capricorn sun because he shares many qualities with how astrologers perceive the position. of course this is all just my personal interpretation, but i hope this was an interesting read   &   shed some light on the kind of person Sebastian is !

[fairycosmos]

TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that.  you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize. 

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/