"the time we had together"
my mom washed my favorite hoodie
your conditioner used to cling to the fibers
whispering “remember me” when I'd tried to forget
the mosquito bites have faded into scars leaving just the jagged remains behind
the lake water doesn’t rest in my hair anymore and you wear your new glasses everyday
the twin mattress that we lay on not even 9 months ago sits dust covered and moth bitten under my bed
no more quiet touches and soft embraces will happen there anymore
your hand left a permanent indent on my back where you used to rest it
and as much as I beg at it it won’t go away, forcing me to unwillingly remember
the wooden swing sits empty
a haunting of what once was
your hair ghosts at my knees as I sit alone on our the rotting swing
the ukulele you took is gone too
maybe its abandoned somewhere, cobwebs sticking to its strings waiting for some other damned souls to set it to music again
my throat is hoarse
i'm choking out words to a song I used to know but there is no melody to them
we aren’t drifting anymore
the pot sink is abandoned but the bruise on my arm is still there
no one is pushing me back against the sink and no one is there to laugh with me
certainly no one is there to see me cry
tears hitting the drain, the most water the metal basin has seen in months
my hands are still raw and peeling but are yours like they used to be? when you grabbed my waist for the first time?
i'm looking for the tiger ears but they as gone as the goodbye you left me
the kitchen door isn’t swinging anymore and there is no one there to kiss the tears off the side of my mouth
the only tears that roll down my neck are mine as I stand watching the swirling chaos of passing time
trying in vain to grab on to a second we had together even if it meant seeing your body heave with sobs after our last goodbye
even if it meant that last I love you had to shatter because of me
because in the end all I wanted was more time, one more day, hour, minute, second, a prolonged goodbye even if it was just for a moment
just so I could stop crawling and catch my breath
and stop hearing the last splintering I love you over and over and over again
playing like a broken record for me to hum the tune of our goodbyes to
i'll never be able to run fast enough
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thinking about a girl guiding me through fucking her…
“good girl, that’s it, there we go. fuck, go a little deeper, baby.”
“haha, look at you—humping my thigh just to get off—no no. don’t you dare stop. you wanna be desperate? let me see it.”
“blushing so prettily for me, aren’t you? such a good slut, aching just to please me.”
“your body was made for this, wasn’t it, pretty girl? moulded for my pleasure. you look so good when you fuck me—awww did someone just moan?”
“faster, babe. I know you can go faster—fuck mhmm just like that. so good for me, baby.”
“are you close already? aw I know it feels good, babe, I know. hold on for me, okay? i want you to cum with me.”
…just,,,fuck I need a girl to please 😩
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Tying them down and riding them, using them like a fuck toy for my pleasure and mine alone. Watching them struggle against their binds as they want to do nothing more than to put their hands on you and guide your hips or caress your body. They whimper, whine, and beg to let them free and to let them serve you properly. But you continue to deny them until you finish using them…
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crying in grocery store isles over bags of frozen peas and wasted time
heartbreak is a funny thing
nothing is wrong but everything hurts
underground parking garages and no cell service
sitting in the car like someone is going to get in and put on their favorite song
walking the line between existing and disappearing
thinking about sneaking out in the dead of night and running far far away
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Chappell Roan, a lesbian, went on a national broadcast tonight and performed a song about dating a closeted woman who refuses to acknowledge their relationship and denies the fact that she’s a lesbian. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that happening but here we are and it’s amazing.
As a lesbian woman, to have an artist go out and be so entirely herself in every way, to be so proud of her own sexuality and to perform a song like this and have it be broadcasted to millions of people…it makes me so emotional. All I have ever wanted as a queer woman is to have this sort of unabashed representation and we’re finally getting it in such an incredible way. What an era we are living in and all I can say is long may it continue and I am so proud to be a Chappell Roan fan.
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