#so it *must* be a tactic to get fans for them for when they do (if they do ofc) like granted it doesn't work a lot of the time but

[chaos-in-deepspace]

L&DS Rafayel: Mischievous Pandas | 18+

Damn imagine me finally writing this after it's been a solid week since Zayne's part...maybe longer I dunno. My wrists were killing me and I took a break and now they're better and primed for me to destroy them again! Enjoy this fic tho guys XOXO

♡(ᓀ‸ᓂ)♡ Pairings: Rafayel x Reader ♡(ᓀ‸ᓂ)♡ Warnings: Unsafe Sex, Teasing, Dry Humping, Creampie ♡(ᓀ‸ᓂ)♡ Synopsis: Rafayel was always willing to go along with your small whims. When you offered him a panda outfit, telling him how much fun it would be to match, he obviously said yes. Little did he know the mischievousness it would bring. ♡(ᓀ‸ᓂ)♡ Word Count: 5k~

Disclaimer: This is an original fan work for “Love and Deepspace”. Do not repost on other platforms or plagiarize. All characters shown in this fic is 18+.

Blog Information | Masterlist

Rafayel

Mischievous Pandas

“You know, I’m thinking perhaps I should paint a bamboo forest under the sea now that I’m wearing this.” You could hear Rafayel’s voice call out of the bathroom. You were already comfortable in bed as you glanced over, wondering when your man was finally going to leave the bathroom.

Low and behold, Rafayel finally came out of the bathroom clad in a beautiful panda outfit that happened to be a perfect match to your own. You had seen them in a shop recently and found them so ridiculous that you bought two of them so you guys could be matching. Rafayel was always one to go along with your random whims and agreed readily when you asked him to put it on for you.

You sat up in the bed, looking him over with a broad smile, “Well aren’t you just the cutest lil thing.” You teased with a small chuckle escaping you. Rafayel’s cheeks went a bit red, but other than that seemed to be unaffected by your words. He walked over to the bed, leaning down with his hands on either side of you.

“Shouldn’t that be my line?” He shot right back at you with a flirtatious smirk. You giggled as you cupped his cheeks, giving them a small squeeze until he flinched back and felt his face as though you had just smacked him, “I didn’t realize Pandas were known for violence.”

“Pandas are very vicious creatures, Raffie. We are still bears.” That was a lie and everyone knew it. You had watched videos on pandas recently and honestly it was a miracle the species was able to ever survive outside of captivity.

“I’m sure they are.” Rafayel teased as he looked you over, “I must say though, I didn’t expect to see my bodyguard wearing something like this. I thought you preferred more tactical apparel.” He went on.

“This is as tactical as it comes. It’s baggy enough that you’d never be able to see the full body chainmail underneath, or the several weapons I have. I look innocent.” You huffed and Rafayel’s eyes went over your body with a satisfied hum.

“Full body chainmail, my that’s fancy. Where’d you manage to get that?” Rafayel said, finally crawling on the bed to join you. His hand went over to you, pulling you closer to him so he could cuddle up with you. It was his favorite way of spending his evenings with you, and you were never one to complain when it came to being pressed up against him.

“Oh you know, I used your credit card and bought it off the black market. The usual shindig.” You explained nonchalantly as you adjusted yourself in his grasp. You got comfortable in his arms and rested your head on his bicep. As soon as you said this Rafayel gave a shocked gasp, pushing you away from him dramatically.

“You used my card and didn’t even purchase one for me?” He said, a playful pout on his lips.

“You don’t need chainmail if I’m protecting you, Mr Artsy Panda.” You said as you tried getting close to him. Rafayel scooched away from you for a moment and you chuckled, crawling closer. He kept trying to get away after noticing the glint in your eyes. So much so that he didn’t realize when he was on the edge of the bed until he fell back.

There was a small crash and a grunt and you paused, eyes wide as you processed. Then you broke out into a fit of giggles, curling in on yourself as you looked down at Rafayel. The man was pouting at you from his spot on the floor, “You can’t even protect me from the floor.” He whined.

“Oh don’t be so dramatic. If you weren’t so desperate to escape your loving partner this would’ve never happened. Now get back up here.” You said, looking down at the bed. He looked absolutely hilarious and your shoulders were still shaking from your laughter.

“I dunno, I’m just a lazy panda. Not sure if I could manage to muster up the energy to get back up.” He said, holding his hand, “I think I might need my heroic bodyguard to help me.” 

You shook your head at his dramatics and leaned over, holding your hand out to him. This was a mistake on your part, one you should've seen coming. As soon as his hand took yours, he dragged you down to the floor with him. You collided with his chest, the blanket around your waist tangling your legs and trapping you against him.

“Much better.” Rafayel said as he looked at the angry pout on your face. He cupped your cheek and placed a small kiss on your forehead, “Now we’re both stuck here.”

“I would like a refund. I want to be on the bed.” You said as you began untangling yourself from the man. Rafayel wasn't having any of it, wrapping his arms around you and trapping you properly this time. “Raaaaaaf.” You groaned, hitting his chest.

“You don’t need to go up there, we have a bed right here. We have pillows and blankets.” Rafayel explained and you looked at him with a confused expression.

“We got a blanket but I ain’t seein no pillows, bro.” You huffed. That was when Rafayel switched positions, forcing you onto your back as he laid his head on your chest.

“Yes we do.” He said, nuzzling his face into you. 

You pushed on his forehead, whining about him being heavy for a moment before realizing he had really trapped you. You looked up at the ceiling, opting to just run your fingers through his hair as he relaxed onto your body. You felt his grip slackening as you cuddled with him on the floor, his guard slowly slipping.

As soon as the man of your dreams, the one you loved and adored, was relaxed against you, you kneed him in the stomach just enough to get him to grunt and roll off you. You laughed as you jumped back onto the bed, scooching away and curling under one of the other many blankets there, “Gotcha!” You called out in triumph at escaping him.

“Did you just knee me?” Rafayel said, his head popping up at the edge of the bed as he looked at you, “Aren’t you supposed to be protecting me?”

“See I consider that a 9-5 kinda gig, and at the moment it is very much almost midnight. Which reminds me, we should be sleeping.” You said as you pat the bed next to you, coaxing Rafayel to join you properly. The artist let out a huff as he crawled onto the bed, getting under the covers and in position for the night.

“You’re cruel.” He huffed, his back now turned to you as he pouted. You chuckled, looking at Rafayel in his panda outfit, sulking over you attacking him. How a fully grown man could be as cute as him was one of the many wonders of the world.

At seeing him sulking you couldn’t help but scooch up to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and nuzzling the back of his neck, “Raaaaf.” You said to him in a sweet voice, “Come on, let’s cuddle.” 

“I refuse to cuddle with someone who thinks kicking me is the proper response to escaping a cuddle session. Far too dangerous.” He said and you placed a small kiss on the back of his neck.

“Come on, my cute fishie, you can’t stay mad at me all night.” You continued coaxing him in that saccharine voice, wondering how long it would take him to finally give in tonight. You could see his shoulders relaxing a bit in your grasp.

It took a few minutes before he began shifting. You backed up enough for him to roll over so he was facing you. He still had a pout, but now his cheeks and ears were red, “Roll over. You’re the little spoon tonight. I don’t want those knees anywhere near me.” He said and you rolled your eyes playfully.

Still, you did as requested and rolled over onto your side. His arms now wrapped around you as he nuzzled his face into your hair. After a moment he spoke, “Did you steal my shampoo?” He murmured sleepily.

“Judging by how your bathroom only has your products at the moment, yes.” You replied, relaxing into the mattress and his grip.

You heard  him huff in amusement before his lips were pressed on the back of your neck, “I guess I don’t mind you smelling like me.” He concluded as he then placed another kiss. You couldn’t help but playfully elbow him and his hands tensed for a moment. You yelped, feeling him nip at your neck, it still being one of the few areas exposed in your large panda outfit.

“Behave.” He warned, his fingers twitching and you gasped for a moment, feeling them on you. You looked back at him, not getting a good glimpse of his face with your current angle.

“Or what?”

They were fighting words, everyone knew it. That alongside ‘Make me’ would always result in something happening. So when Rafayel’s hands began wandering your sides, tickling you, you knew you were in deep shit.

Your laughter began enveloping the room, your cheeks flushed as you tried gasping for breath between his onslaught. He knew every single part of your body that would cause you to giggle and he abused the hell out of them. Your chest hurt as you tried slapping his hands away, “E-e-enoooough hah!” You cried out, trying to get air into your lungs.

After Rafayel noticed that you were literally wheezing and gasping for air, he let you go. You greedily sucked in air as you turned to him, this time you were the one pouting as you looked at him, “E-evil…” You murmured.

Rafayel just flashes you a grin before stretching and letting out a yawn, “It’s payback, my pearl.” He shrugged it off, “Now are we actually going to cuddle and go to bed for real this time?”

“I was ready to go to bed like an hour ago, Raf.” You said, laying back down on your back as you looked at him with a soft smile. Rafayel leaned in, placing a quick kiss on your lips before going to undo his overalls. You gave him a confused look, placing your hand on him and stopping him, “What are you doing?”

“Taking these off?” Rafayel said, curious as to what you were getting upset about, “I don’t mean to alarm you but it’s kind of humid tonight.”

“You dare take off the panda outfit?” You asked, almost scandalized by the sheer thought. Sure it was very humid and you could feel the sweat forming underneath your own pajamas, but you two were just too cute to simply take them off right now.

Rafayel gave you a deadpan stare before speaking, “Do you want me to die from overheating tonight?”

“You’re being dramatic, Raffie. You’re not gonna die.” You huffed, rolling back over to your side to get ready to finally get some sleep.

“I’m not being dramatic.” He said, already getting back into his previous position as well with spooning you. With his added body heat the room was getting a bit warmer than you would’ve liked. Perhaps these were better catered towards the winter months, but your stubbornness wasn't going to let you give up. “The panda outfit stays on in bed.” You finalize with him.

This got a small huff out of Rafayel, and you could feel him now cuddled up against your back. He smirked against you and you were about to ask what was up when he spoke, “So that’s the new rule?” 

“It’s a hard rule.” You murmured, closing your eyes as you decided you’d just attempt to sleep rather than entertain Rafayel. That was until you felt his hands wandering your hips and dragging your bottom half closer to his pelvis.

“You wanna know what else is hard, my pearl?” He cooed into your ear, rolling his hips and you could faintly feel his cock against your ass. You let out a small, surprised gasp at his clear challenge and you opened your eyes.

“Seriously, Raf?” You muttered this time, pressing your ass back against him without thinking; it was just a natural reaction for you at this point in your relationship.

“Too bad you won’t get to feel it. After all, we need to keep these things on in the bed.” Rafayel rolled his hips against you once more and you bit down on your lip as you tried ignoring the feeling. “What a shame.” His voice came out huskier as he whispered in your ear, nipping you in the process.

The several layers between the two of you was certainly something that you realized would be an annoyance. You hated that your body was already reacting to him, getting slick between the thighs as he continued rolling himself against your ass, grinding his clothed cock against you. Memories of what it felt like inside of you began plaguing your mind.

“Raf…” You warned and he chuckled again, his breath tickling the nape of your neck.

“I’m simply abiding by your rules.” He reminded you. He trailed his hand down to the front of your pajamas, cupping your cunt and you let out a small moan as he pressed the fabric against you, your underwear soaking in your juices as you realized just how wet he was getting you from the teasing.

He continued this motion, pressing and rubbing you through your clothes as he rubbed himself against your ass. It wasn’t nearly enough and he knew this all too well as he continued, entertained to see how you’d react to this. You bit your lip as you tried not to let out a whimper; you felt his lips pressing wet kisses along the exposed skin there. You finally opened your eyes and tried to look at him.

“Turn around.” He murmured as he noticed you trying to roll over. You did as he said and as soon as you were facing him, he grabbed you by your hips and rolled you so you were now straddling his lap. He laid prettily under you, looking up with flushed cheeks and a knowing smirk.

“Are you certain we need to keep these on?” He teased as he rolled his hips up into you. You gasped and placed your hands on his chest, cursing the fact that you couldn’t feel his skin at that moment. You were pouting as you looked at him, flustered and horny.

“You’re unfair.” You finally said, grinding down on him to get some much needed friction. You could barely feel him and it frustrated you to no end. The pajamas you thought were cute were now an eyesore when you knew what laid beneath them.

Rafayel’s teasing laugh turned into a groan as he began rolling up to meet your grinding, keeping a nice cadence before panting out your name. You closed your eyes, imagining what it would feel like to be riding him at this moment, how good his cock would make you feel as you came several times on his lap.

“You look ridiculous right now.” You decided to say, looking down at him. You could see Rafayel’s face turn into a pout immediately as he looked up at you.

“And I’m currently trying my best to stay hard, but it’s a bit difficult when there’s a panda on top of you.” He huffed, his hands going to your hips and gripping them. If not for the fabric, you were certain it would leave bruises for tomorrow.

You rolled your eyes, “You’re the worst.” You muttered and took your hand, gliding it up. Thankfully the overalls were broken when you purchased them, so he only had one strap on. You went to unclasp it so you could take it off, but you got interrupted when his hand grabbed your own.

“Changing the rules?” He asked, raising his eyebrow, “Don’t you think that’s a bit naughty to do so for your own selfish reasons?”

“It’s not selfish if someone else gets off as well.” You muttered and he smirked, “Besides I’m only doing this since you’re a cheater.” Now he laughed as he took his hand away from you.

“Well then go ahead and strip this cheater bare, my little panda pearl.” He said and you groaned in annoyance at the stupid nickname. Still, you undid the clasp and let it fall. He helped assist you in stripping it off his body, lifting his hips up and soon you were tossing them off the bed. Your hands went down his chest, tugging at the hoodie next.

Rafayel sat up, grabbing the end of the hoodie and ripping it off in one motion, tossing it to join the other fabric on the ground. Then his hands went to you, unclasping your own overalls and motioning for you to lift your hips and knees when needed until he could take it off. You were left in the hoodie and underwear, while Rafayel only had his underwear on. You looked down briefly to notice the wet patch on his underwear right where his cock head was.

“Oh, you were having trouble staying hard you say?” You teased, your hand going down to press on his erection, loving how he rolled his hips against your hand without thinking about it. The sudden contact was doing things to you both as he looked you up and down. Your hands were all over his chest, enjoying the plains and valleys that were his muscles, your fingers gently grazing over his nipples and he let out a small gasp.

“If I focused on your face it wasn’t bad.” Rafayel said, his hands going to rest on your exposed thighs as he gave them a firm squeeze, “Now, my conch, will you do me the honors of riding me?” He asked, basically fluttering his eyelashes at you.

“Ya, hang on, Raf.” You say, going to take off your own hoodie when he stops your hands. The thing was oversized on you and was actually able to cover your modesty, but for some reason Rafayel could only lick his lips when he looked your body over.

“Keep it on, it’s kinda cute on you.” He said and you huffed. You sat back down on his lap, the only thing separating you were two small pieces of fabric now. You could feel his cock twitching underneath you as you rolled your hips. The dry humping now was way more pleasurable as you continued this for a minute, almost getting lost in the sensation. You could probably cum like this if you really tried.

Rafayel let out a hiss though, the stimulation being good but not enough; it wasn’t what he was planning. Still his hips thrusted up against your clothed mound, wanting to feel your heat closer to him.

You decided to let out a loud, playful moan as you looked down at him, pressing his chest down so he was laying back down on the bed, “You feel pretty good as is, Raffie. Perhaps I’ll use you like this until I cum.” You said with a teasing glint in your eyes.

“You know, I bet I’d feel even better if I were inside you, what do you think?” Despite the teasing tone that Rafayel had, his cheeks and chest were flushed with a scarlet blushed as he looked up at you, almost pleading. You smirked as your hands went to the waistband of his underwear, tugging it until you could take it off his hips.

Your hand wraps around his cock, thumb swiping over the wet tip as you slide his pre cum over his shaft. He’s hot and heavy in your hands and you admire him like he were a piece of art, his cock twitching as you admired him. “Raf, your cock is so pretty.” You murmured, licking your lips as the thought of it being slid down your throat.

Rafayel’s blush got deeper as he looked away from you with a huff, “Might as well take a picture, it’ll last you longer.” 

You paused for a moment, cock still in hand as you looked between it and the owner, “Wait…can I?” damn with how pretty he is, you’d be down to put it as your lock screen. God forbid anyone try to open your phone.

Rafayel now took a few seconds before responding with a simple “No.”

Your small huff of annoyance was enough to get him to look back at you. You were sliding your underwear off your hips and tossing them off to the side. Your legs straddling him as you took his cock back into your hand, lining him up with your dripping cunt.

You slowly began sinking down on his length, groaning as you felt his cock stretching you out perfectly. He wasn’t too thick, but he had a good amount of length to him that always reached into your deepest parts. Rafayel’s hands went to your thighs, gripping them as he watched his cock disappear inside of you.

Once you were fully seated, you rocked your hips gently against Rafayel as you got used to accommodating his length. Rafayel let out a breathy moan, staring up at you with his mouth hanging open slightly. His voice music to your ears as you rolled your hips again, loving how you could feel him twitching inside you.

At your teasing, Rafayel thrusted up in you, making you cry out at the suddenness of it all. Your hands finding purchase over his abs as you shot him a small glare, “Hey, no fair.” You said and Rafayel scoffed.

His grip on your thighs was tight as he managed to lift you up a bit before slamming you back down. Your small, surprised moan echoed in the room as you realized he had no intention of letting you have your way. He began a simple pace, fucking up into you and controlling your movements.

You were already turning into a broken, moaning mess as you looked down at him, trying to form a sentence, “N-no faaaaair.” You groaned out, “I thought I-I was in charge-fuck.” You cursed as he angled his hips just right. You closed your eyes, enjoying the sensation as he used you like a little toy, bouncing eagerly on him.

“If you want to be on top, you need to make sure you’re doing it right.” He scolded, his thrusting getting harsher until he stopped suddenly, settling you on his lap. You took a moment to catch his breath, the tight coil that was forming now ebbing away as you looked down at him.

“Why’d you stop?” You said after a moment and he smirked.

“You’re on top tonight…weren’t you just complaining about that?” He said, tilting his head as he sat up and rested his back on the pillows; his cock shifting in you with the small movement. You groaned, leaning forward on his lap until you were chest to chest, your face a few inches apart from one another.

“You’re the worst.” You said, leaving a teasing nip at his jaw as you began riding him; you lifted your hips and tried finding the pace and angle he had been fucking you at before. You let out a frustrated groan, not being able to get it just right like he had managed. Your arms wrapped around Rafayel’s shoulders, one hand playing in his hair as you tugged him forward.

Your small annoyed whimpers seemed deafening in the room, adding to the chorus of the wet skin-on-skin slapping. Rafayel seemed to get what you wanted, moving forward just enough to capture your lips in a searing kiss. His kisses were always full of heat, nibbling on your lower lip so he could ease his tongue into you.

He groaned at your taste, his tongue entangled with your own as he easily took control of the passionate liplock. He noticed as you closed your eyes, savoring the kiss that you had stopped riding him, opting to just roll your hips against him as you tried to at least keep up some friction.

You swallowed Rafayel’s groan and soon his hands were on the bottom of your thighs, closest to your ass. He easily lifted you up until his cock was barely inside you, before slamming you down. You gasped into the kiss, his lips never leaving yours as he began guiding your movements again.

“S-so good.” You cried out against his mouth, looking down to see his cock going in and out of you. The warm coiling sensation began again and you knew you wouldn’t last very long at this pace. Not with how good he was making you feel with every thrust up into your cunt.

He adjusted you in his lap until his cock managed to hit that spot inside of you that had you seeing stars. “Raf, fuck, right there.” You cried out, nails digging into his shoulders as you pressed your forehead against his own. Your eyes were squeezed shut, the sensations being too much yet not enough all at the same time.

Rafayel hisses at feeling your nails and he lets out a small chuckle, “Take it easy, love.” He said, feeling close to his own high. His cock was being squeezed so deliciously by your warmth that it was hard for him to think clearly.

“S-sorry.” You said, although the apology was half hearted. You began peppering kisses along his jaw and neck, a silent way of repenting for scratching the hell out of him. He chuckled as he used his shoulder to shrug your head off him so he could see you.

“My pearl, think you could play with your clit while I fuck you?” He asked, his lips brushing against yours. You let out another whimper, nodding your head. You took one of your hands and placed it between your legs. It was pressed between your two bodies but you had enough room for your fingers to graze against your swollen clit.

“Doing so good, sweetheart, just a little more.” Rafayel praised, feeling how your walls were quivering with your impending release. He began thrusting harder, faster, wanting to bring you toppling over the edge at the same time as him.

“C-close R-raaah-f.” You moaned, pinching your clit between your fingers then rubbing it in circles. The feeling of his cock stretching you at the new pace was driving you insane. You were about to cum, the pleasure overwhelming. 

“Close too, baby.” Rafayel groaned, his cock twitching and leaking profusely inside you, “Can I cum inside?” Despite how close he was he still had to check.

“Gods, please.” You said and then gasped. The coil in you snapped at that moment, your walls clenching over his length as you rode out your orgasm. Everything inside of you felt like it was a gentle fire, your limbs tingling and your head fuzzy. You didn't realize you had thrown your head back, your mouth open as you let out whimpers of pleasure.

Feeling you squeezing his cock like a vice, Rafayel groaned. His warm seed began spilling inside of you, your name spilling from his lips like a prayer. All too soon you felt your high slowly going away as you slumped against Rafayel. You nuzzled into his neck, clutching onto him as you ground yourself once more.

You didn’t realize how out of breath you were until you noticed how you were panting. Rafayel was rubbing soothing circles on your back. His warm hands under your hoodie as he helped you come back to him.

You two stayed like this for a while, enjoying the comfortable silence. That was until you realized just how uncomfortable the aftermath felt.

Not only was it humid, but you two had worked up a sweat. Alongside the mess dripping from between your legs onto Rafayel’s lap…you guys needed to clean up.

“Raf…” You mumbled and the man below you just hummed. His hands paused for a moment as he adjusted himself so he could look at you, “We need to clean up. I feel sticky.”

Rafayel laughed at your observation as he kissed the side of your neck, “Ya, ya, we can take a bath in a few minutes. Lemme relax a bit more. That was a workout, you know.” He muttered. You playfully smacked his chest as you adjusted in his grip. His softening cock still in you made you wince from the sensitivity. 

“If that took it out of you, we might need to hit the gym together.” You said, watching as Rafayel’s hands were now roaming your body. He began tugging at the hoodie, clearly wanting to take it off.

“We don’t need to take drastic measures.” He said as he helped lift you off his cock. Your combined fluids now flowed out onto him. You tried closing your thighs, letting out an embarrassed yelp

“No need to be shy.” Rafayel urged as he sat you down on his stomach. He leaned back again and stared up at you, “It’s just the aftermath of our love.” He teased.

You huffed before realizing something. A small laugh escaped you as you looked down, “You know…” You went to tug at the hoodie you wore, “Technically one of us did keep the panda outfit on in bed.”

“Really?” He groaned, “That’s what you have to say after all that?” 

You shrugged in response and Rafayel clicked his tongue, “You’re something else.”

“Be that as it may, you still love me.” You said with a soft smile, your hand resting on his cheek, gently caressing it. 

Rafayel huffed “Ya, I guess I do.”

Aha gg hope y'all enjoyed this one! Probably my favorite one to write out of all three boys tbh.

[liinos]

i think it's kinda 😭 when people complain about already debuted idols being on shows bc on the one hand i get it if you have someone who's established and has a lot of fans but half the time now it's idols who debuted like 6 months ago... like guys they didn't have TIME to build a fanbase i think it's okay

[pucksandpower]

Say My Name

Oscar Piastri x streamer!Reader

Summary: when fans mistake Oscar for your ex while he is hanging around in the background of your stream, you get introduced to a side of Oscar that you’ve never seen before

Warnings: 18+ content

Your fingers fly across the keyboard as you narrate the intense battle unfolding on your stream. “Oh damn, that was close! I almost got sniped there.” You lean in, eyes narrowed at the screen. “Gotta be more careful or this round is over.”

The chat explodes with messages cheering you on. Being one of the top female gaming streamers has its perks, like an incredibly loyal fanbase that hangs on your every word.

You glance at the viewer count — over 50,000 watching live. Not too shabby.

“Okay team, let’s rush B, I’ll try to draw their fire.” You move your character into position, heart pounding with anticipation.

Suddenly, a quiet thump comes from the living room behind you. You start, whipping your head around, but see nothing amiss through the open doorway. Must have been your imagination.

You refocus on the game, calling out tactics to your teammates. Another muffled sound, like something soft hitting the floor, catches your attention. You turn off your video and hit mute on your mic. “Hello? Is someone there?”

No response. You’re just about to unmute when a very familiar face pops into view from the hallway. It’s your boyfriend of nearly two years.

Your face splits into a huge grin as you take in his messy hair and the rumpled clothes he slept in on the flight. “Oscar! You’re back early!”

He crosses to you, bending to press a kiss to the top of your head. “Missed you,” he mumbles against your hair.

You tilt your face up for a proper kiss, “I missed you too, ba-”

But you’re cut off as his lips crash into yours, insistent and heated. Heat blooms in your cheeks at the sudden, passionate embrace. Far too soon, Oscar pulls away, leaving you flustered and breathless.

“Sorry,” he says with a smirk that suggests he’s anything but. “Couldn’t help myself.”

You shake your head, laughing. “You’re ridiculous. I’m working, you know.”

“So I noticed.” Oscar settles onto the couch just off-camera, casual as can be. “Don’t mind me, keep going.”

“You sure?” You eye him skeptically. The stream has been on a short period without your commentary and the chat is getting restless. “I can take a break if you want.”

He waves a dismissive hand. “No, no, I’m just going to hang out here for a bit. Go ahead.”

Hesitating only a moment, you turn your video back on and unmute your mic. “Alright folks, sorry about that little pause. I, uh, got a surprise visitor.” You gesture vaguely toward where Oscar lounges behind you.

The chat instantly lights up with questions about who was there. Smiling to yourself, you ignore them for now, re-focusing on the game.

Over the next hour, it becomes increasingly difficult to concentrate. Oscar keeps distracting you, making silly faces and gestures whenever you glance his way. More than once you have to stifle a laugh after catching sight of him. Your fans seem to find your giggly mood delightful, though they remain oblivious to the cause.

Finally, in a rare break between matches, you swivel in your chair to face him. “You’re being so disruptive,” you stage-whisper. “Don’t you have better things to do than pester me?”

Oscar feigns innocence. “Who, me? I’m just sitting here, love.”

Rolling your eyes, you stretch your arms overhead with a groan, back popping from sitting so long. Oscar’s gaze shamelessly rakes over you, darkening.

“Stop looking at me like that,” you mutter, fighting a smile.

“Like what?” His eyes glint with mischief.

You open your mouth to respond, but a new donation notification pops up on your stream, cutting you off. “Oh, wow, thanks for the ten thousand bits, Legend27!” The expensive donation isn’t that unusual, but the comment attached gives you pause.

I’m so happy you and Eric made up! You two are couple goals for real.

Frowning, you scan the new barrage of messages flooding the chat … and find dozens echoing similar sentiments.

Your stomach drops as you finally realize what your viewers think is happening. They assume Oscar is actually your ex, the one you briefly dated and had an awful breakup with over two years ago. Apparently his surprise appearance has led them to believe you two have reconciled.

Heat floods your face at the misunderstanding. Objecting seems pointless though — you’ve learned it’s better not to discuss your private romantic life on stream. “Ah, thanks guys, you’re too kind,” you finally say, aiming for a neutral tone.

Beside you, Oscar stiffens, catching the implications of the messages. His jaw clenches and you watch as his face cycles through a series of micro-expressions — first surprise, then confusion, quickly followed by displeasure and … jealousy?

Uh oh. This could get messy fast if he gets worked up. You try to subtly shake your head at him in a silent plea to ignore the chat.

No such luck. His brow furrows deeper and you can practically see the tension ratcheting up in his shoulders.

Suddenly, Oscar surges to his feet with a muttered curse. Before you can react, he’s stalking around the side of your chair until he’s directly in view of the camera’s frame.

“Oscar, what are you-”

But he cuts you off by cupping your face in his hands and kissing you hard. Your startled squeak is smothered by his fierce, possessive mouth moving over yours.

Powerless to resist the onslaught of sensations, you melt bonelessly against him as the kiss stretches on and on. Only the escalating number of notifications showing the shock and exclamations from your viewers finally breaks through the heady fog.

With extreme reluctance, Oscar ends the kiss, both of you panting. He keeps his face buried in the crook of your neck, lips brushing your flushed skin as he growls, “She’s mine.”

Then, before you can respond, he reaches past you and slams his palm into the power button of your streaming setup, shutting everything down.

The simultaneous howl of outrage from tens of thousands of confused fans cuts off abruptly as the screen goes black. Only the two of you are left in the ringing silence that follows.

“Oscar!” You finally manage. “What was that?”

He pulls away enough to meet your wide-eyed gaze, his brown eyes blazing with an intensity that steals your breath.

“I got … jealous,” he admits, seeming almost surprised at his own vehement reaction. “When they thought I was your ex. I didn’t like that at all.”

Your expression softens at his uncharacteristic show of vulnerability. Reaching out, you trace his sharp cheekbone with gentle fingers. “You have no reason to be jealous, silly man. It’s only ever been you.”

Some of the blazing heat in his stare banks into smoldering embers at your reassurance. “Yeah?” A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Good.”

He leans in again until his lips are a hairsbreadth from yours. “Because you’re mine, okay? And I’m yours.”

“Yeah,” you breathe out, dizzy with wanting him. “I’m all yours, Oscar.”

The possessive words seem to flip a switch in him. With a low, rumbling sound of approval, his mouth slants over yours once more in a searing, demanding kiss that makes your toes curl.

The abrupt ending to your stream is already causing a social media firestorm of epic proportions. But surrounded by the circle of Oscar’s arms, his familiar warmth and love, you can’t find it in yourself to care even a little bit.

After all, you think dizzily as he deepens the kiss, your fans should have recognized that you two were a couple from the very start — because Oscar Piastri is most definitely not your ex.

He’s your everything.

***

Oscar’s hands are everywhere, seemingly unable to get enough of you as his kisses grow more and more fervent. Your back hits the wall with a gentle thump as he crowds closer, caging you in with the solid warmth of his body.

“Missed you so much, love,” he rasps against the heated skin of your neck. “Couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

A whimper escapes your lips at the scorching path his mouth blazes over your pulse point. “I m-missed you too, Oscar.”

His name falls from your lips like a prayer and he rewards you by sucking a mark into the sensitive spot just below your ear. Pleasure zings along your nerves at the hint of delicious possession in the act.

When he finally pulls back to gaze at you with dark, hooded eyes, his lips are reddened from enthusiastic use. The sight sends a molten flare of desire arrowing straight to your core.

“Say it again,” he commands roughly, voice gone low and gritty in that way that never fails to make you melt.

You blink up at him, momentarily lost in a lust-fueled haze. “W-What?”

“My name.” His large hands skim over the curve of your waist, bunching the fabric of your shirt. “Say my name again.”

“Oscar,” you breathe without hesitation, watching raptly as his pupils blow wider at the sound. “Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ...”

Each breathy iteration seems to stoke his hunger hotter. His fingers flex against your sides like he’s holding himself back from something.

On a daring whim, you slant your mouth near his ear, letting your lips brush the shell with every word. “Oscar Piastri,” you practically purr. “My Oscar.”

A broken groan is your only warning before he’s on you again, mouths crashing together in a heated crash of lips, teeth, and tangling tongues. His hand comes up to cup the nape of your neck, angling your face for deeper exploration.

When you finally manage to tear your lips away, you’re both panting harshly, chests heaving. “What’s … gotten into you?” You pant.

Rather than answer, Oscar just shakes his head and dives back in for more fervent kisses, like a man dying of thirst and you’re the most delicious drink he’s ever tasted.

It’s not until he suddenly grips your waist and spins the two of you around, depositing you on the desk with a surprising lack of finesse, that you realize just how wildly affected he is.

Oscar licks into the seam of your lips like he’s staking a claim and something within you shatters at the stark, naked wanting in his eyes when he pulls back the tiniest bit.

He just stares at you, chest heaving, gaze roving hungrily over your features like he’s memorizing you all over again. His pupils are blown wide, just thin rings of molten brown remaining around the black.

When he speaks, his voice is low and gravelly in a way that vibrates through you. “Say. My. Name.”

“Oscar,” you respond immediately, not even having to think. His hungry gaze burns over you and you feel stripped bare and vulnerable under the weight of it.

But rather than make you want to cover up, it has the opposite effect — you’re reeling him in, hands fisted in his shirt to pull him closer. You never want this delirious, frantic sense of possession and desire to end.

“Again,” he grinds out, sounding utterly wrecked already.

“Oscar.” You bare your neck for him as you say it, like presenting an offering. He groans low and deep, instantly ducking to mouth along the column of your throat.

His hands are everywhere, pushing up the hem of your top, kneading along your sides and ribs as he nips and sucks bruising paths across your collarbones and chest.

“Don’t stop saying it,” he orders, more plea than demand.

So you let his name become a breathless prayer falling from your lips, over and over between gasps and keening whimpers. You lose yourself in a heady feedback loop — the more you speak his name with naked wanting, the wilder it seems to drive him until his touch grows scattered and devouring.

At some point his hands finally succeed in tugging your shirt up and off. Your name doesn’t even register when his scorching mouth closes over one peaked bud, your back bowing at the shuddering bolt of sensation that lances through you.

All you can seem to process is the feel of his calloused palms mapping every inch of newly-exposed skin and the desperate mumble of “Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ...” spilling shameless and endless from your lips.

Eventually, the heated exploration of his mouth and hands becomes too much to simply lay there and take. With a low, guttural sound you haul Oscar upright and swing your legs around his hips, relishing his full body shudder.

“Not enough,” you accuse roughly, rolling your core against his in clear invitation. “Need you closer, Oscar.”

His heated groan at your wanton demand is music to your ears. Strong hands grasp your thighs to hitch your legs higher around his waist as he surges against you.

“So impatient, my darling girl,” he teases. This close, you can make out the faintest brush of freckles scattered over the bridge of his nose and cheekbones that you’ve mapped and memorized with lips and fingertips a hundred times before.

You can’t help but reach out to graze them with your thumb, gazing up at him with naked adoration. “My Oscar,” you murmur reverently.

His eyes slip shut for a beat, jaw ticking as if your words have an unexpectedly profound effect on him. When he opens them again, his gaze is fierce and intent.

“Yours,” he vows simply, leaning in to seal the promise against the plush of your lips.

The kiss is somehow softer and headier than before. You get lost in the lush glide of his mouth, every sliding brush of lip and tongue shorting out whatever rational thoughts remain until all you know is his name — the shape and taste and weight of it against your own.

It’s the only thing that seems real, vital, until at some point Oscar’s mouth leaves yours to trail hot, openmouthed kisses down your chest and stomach and lower still.

Your back bows as you squirm incoherently against the press of his lips and tongue. His restraint seems to have finally snapped, movements growing hungry and rough as he works you steadily higher.

“Oscar,” you sob out his name like you’re breaking apart, pleading for something you can’t quite name. He answers with a rumbling sound of satisfaction that vibrates hotly against your sensitized flesh.

More, is all you can think as he redoubles his efforts.

At some point, you must have arched helplessly off the desk because suddenly his hands are at the small of your back, fingertips digging in hard as he holds you arched for his questing mouth.

The intimate angle of his positioning has your jaw dropping open on a silent scream of overwhelmed pleasure. All that escapes is a strangled gasp of, “Oscar!”

He growls something incoherent against you that might be praise, might be reassurance, might just be your name groaned out roughly in shared bliss. But you honestly can’t tell anymore — you’ve transcended far past coherent speech and rational thought.

Everything has devolved into just sensation and feeling and the endless loop of his name spilling over and over from your lips like a benediction.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ...

Just when you think you might actually shatter into pieces from the intensity he’s wringing out of you, strong hands are abruptly hauling you up and off the desk in one smooth motion.

You cling to him with heavy limbs, burying your face in the crook of his neck as he staggers the few steps to your shared bedroom. At some point his shirt has vanished, allowing your hands free rein to roam over flexing muscle and heated skin.

When the backs of his legs hit the edge of the mattress, he pauses to claim your mouth in another searing, shattering kiss. He whispers something fervent and intense against your lips, your name perhaps intertwined with endearments or promises.

You can’t be sure. All you know is the shape of his name against your tongue, the only word your mind seems capable of holding onto as he lowers you reverently to the sheets and stretches out over you.

When he finally sinks into you with a harsh groan of relief, your back bows and you let out a broken, high keen — his name once more torn from your lips in breathless ecstasy.

“There you are, that’s it love,” he growls hoarsely as he begins to move, words interspersed between drugging, thorough thrusts. “Let me hear you, let me hear my name on those pretty lips.”

So you do, shamelessly loud and incoherent now as he gradually unravels you from the inside out. His name and gasped pleas and frantic praise all blur together in a continuous stream of blissful delirium.

At some point, his own control seems to splinter apart, hips snapping hard and deep as his pace turns utterly unrestrained. Still, you chase that shattering edge, crying out for Oscar as your whole world narrows to the merciless intensity of his driving thrusts and demanding hands kneading your flesh with staking ownership.

When you finally go soaring over that dizzying peak with his name torn hoarse from your throat, he follows you over almost violently with a ragged shout. Oscar’s arms shake dangerously as he holds his weight off of you, pupils swallowing up the copper of his eyes entirely in onyx pools of spent lust.

As you slowly float back down from that searing high, limbs heavy and sated, you reach up to trace the sharp line of his cheekbone. He turns his face into your palm with a shuddering exhale as if grounding himself.

For several long breaths, all that can be heard is your shaky inhales mingling together while your racing heartbeats gradually return to normal.

Finally, Oscar presses a warm, lingering kiss to the center of your palm before shifting to stretch out beside you, his weight dipping the mattress.

You immediately curl into the reassuring heat of him, despite the sweat still cooling along your skin. One of his arms bands around your waist, holding you flush against his side while his other hand comes up to card soothingly through your hair.

Nestling your face into the curve where his shoulder meets his neck, you press a gentle kiss to the hollow of his throat and whisper, “Hi.”

“Hi yourself,” he murmurs back, low and slightly scratchy in the aftermath. You can hear the smile in his voice as his fingers keep carding idly through your hair.

Silence falls again, comfortable and peaceful in the aftermath of your frantic passion, both of you simply basking in the warmth of shared nearness.

Eventually though, the question you’ve been avoiding asking slips out in a hazy murmur. “What brought all … that … on, Oscar?”

He’s quiet for so long, you begin to wonder if he fell asleep. Just when you’re about to shift to look at him though, he speaks up.

“When your fans assumed I was your ex … the way they were celebrating that the two of you got back together ...” His fingers stroke almost absentmindedly through your hair as he pauses. “I dunno, something in me just .. .snapped a little. Seeing them say over and over how perfect he was for you ...”

He trails off with a low chuckle, and you can’t resist craning your neck to glance up at him curiously. When your eyes meet his, his expression is rueful.

“I couldn’t stand the thought of any other name on your lips, love. Even your own.” His fingertips trace the line of your jaw with unbearable tenderness. “All I wanted was for you to say my name like that — like it’s the only word that matters in the entire world.”

Just like that, a fresh ember of want rekindles low in your belly at the slightly awed honesty in his voice. You exhale a shaky breath, searching his stormy gaze for … what? Evidence of how crazily affected you are by such a simple revelation?

Whatever he finds reflected in your stare seems to give him pause as well because his eyes almost immediately darken with renewed hunger.

“Say it again then,” he husks, rolling until he’s leaned over you, hands planted on either side of your head. There’s no demand in the words, just low, thrumming need thrilling between you both.

So you reach up to cup his face in your palms, rubbing your thumbs over the sandpapery stubble along his strong jawline as you gaze adoringly up at him.

“Oscar ...” you breathe out his name like a sacred invocation. “My Oscar.”

His eyes slip shut and he makes a low, ragged sound of pure satisfaction on an exhale that ghosts across your lips.

“Yeah,” he rasps, bending lower until his forehead rests against yours. “That’s it, love … that’s all I ever want to hear.”

You pull him back down to you then, unable and unwilling to resist sealing the promise of those words against his lips with your own.

And as everything inevitably dissolves into heat and need and formless ecstasy once more, you lose yourself to the endless chant of his name on your lips — your entire world whittled down to just that one exalted word, over and over and over.

Because really, what other name could ever matter when Oscar Piastri is the only name you’ll ever need?

[dragon-kazansky]

Bridgerton shade of blue

Benedict Bridgerton x Female Reader

Benedict bumps into you, quite literally, at a ball while trying to escape his mother's attempts to find him a partner. You decide to humour him with a dance, not realising just how entwined you would become with him. It seems the universe will find every excuse to push you and Benedict together, no matter how much you fight it.

{Masterlist}

{Previous Chapter} - {Next Chapter}

Season one

Chapter Eight - Sparkling diamond

♡♡♡

Benedict joined his sister, Eloise, out in the garden again long after the other had gone to bed. She was smoking on the swing like last time.

As Benedict takes a seat on the opposite swing, she passes him the cigarette. He takes it.

"I found bits of your sketchbook in the fireplace," Eloise says.

"Are you spying on me now?"

"You'd actually have to be interesting for me to bother spying on you," she chuckles.

"The drawings in that sketchbook were abominable," he says firmly. "I could not stand to look at them."

"I believe that is why they call it a sketchbook." Eloise looks at them. "I write in my diary, which is not the same as wiring in my novel."

Benedict chuckles.

"It must be very difficult to want something and not be able to get it."

"Eloise..."

"If you enjoy drawing but need practise, then practise," she goes on. "Hire a drawing master. Find a young lady to act impressed."

You cross his mind. However, he doesn't want you to act impressed. He wants you to be impressed by his work. Genuinely so.

"If you desire the sun and the moon, all you have to do is go out and shoot at the sky. Some of us cannot.

"Look no further than Lady Whistledown. She possesses a huge talent for writing, and yet she must hide away and publish under a false name."

"Yes, because if anyone knew who Whistledown truly was, she'd be strung up for what she said," Benedict states.

"That is not my point. Whistledown is a woman, therefore she has nothing, and still she writes. You're a man, therefore you have everything. You are able to do whatever you want. So do it. Be bold."

Eloise envies her brothers.

"At least that way I can live vicariously through you." She rises to leave.

"Eloise... are you Lady Whistledown?" Benedict asks.

Eloise laughs.

"You're an accomplished writer, always scribbling in that diary of yours. You certainly know everyone else's business. You have more opinions than anyone else I know in London. You would have my full support and admiration either way, sister."

Elosie laughs again.

"So... is it you?"

"No." She looks at him. "Though if it were... do you honestly think that I'd admit it?"

Elosie heads back inside.

Benedict is left with his thoughts.

♡♡♡

The ballroom was elegantly designed. Soft shades to light up the room. You find yourself without a dance partner, however.

Prince Friedrich was in the middle of a dance with Cressida Cowper.

The duke was standing sternly off to the side with Lady Danbury. They appeared to be talking quietly, though judging by the stern faces, it was not a pleasant conversation.

You find yourself gently, and you admire the room. Benedict wasn't here. You couldn't see him at all.

That is not to say you had gone unnoticed. You glance to your left and find a perfectly suitable gentleman looking your way. You smile softly and turn your gaze away.

Tactics of flirtation were not completely out of your power.

Before anyone could make a move, however, the doors at the top of the stairs opened. It wasn't so much the doors that caught everyones attention, more like who had come through them.

You swear you all breath left you when your eyes landed on Daphne coming down the stairs with her mother. She was wearing the most beautiful silver gown you had ever seen, and her hair was beautifully done. She looked like, well, a princess.

In her hand was a feather fan. It went beautifully with her attire. She began to descend the stairs.

All eyes were on her.

Prince Friedrich was at the bottom of the stairs. Not once did he look away. You watch with interest as Daphne gets closer, closer, and closer to him.

The prince leaves Cressida's side to meet Daphne at the bottom stair.

The duke does not move.

Daphne stops.

"Miss Bridgerton, I simply musylt have your first dance." He speaks to her softly.

"It would be an honour, your highness." She curtsies.

A moment passes between them, and then you watch as Daphne drops her fan. Just like that, the prince kneels down to pick it up.

The prince kneeled.

You don't even realise the soft gasp you let out as you watch.

Prince Friedrich offers her the fan, and she takes it. She smiles at him and then gives the fun to her mother as she takes the prince hand.

They dance.

The duke leaves. Though he turns back to look at Daphne before he goes.

In the words of Lady Whistledown, why settle for a duke when one can have a prince?

♡♡♡

The invitation to attend the boxing match came from Anthony Bridgerton. You were rather pleasantly surprised by his invitation.

Anthony apparently needed some help to keep his mother quiet about finding a wife for himself.

You laughed.

You follow the siblings until they reach the prince. He approaches Daphne, but greets you, also. You curtsy.

Anthony then offers you his arm. "Shall we?"

You chuckle and take it, allowing him to lead you over to some seats. As you settle, you turn to the eldest Bridgerton.

"Where are you brothers?" You ask.

"My brothers? Currently talking to one of the fighters." He gestures to the edge of the ring where you spot Colin and Benedict.

You don't even notice you're smiling.

"You and my brother seem to have grown rather close." Anthony points out, looking at you.

"I can assure you there is nothing untoward. Your brother is my friend, as are you all now." You smile at him.

Anthony chuckles.

"Benedict seems to have a lot on his mind at the moment. I am not one to get in the way of someone's business."

"Smart woman," Anthony chuckles.

You nudge his arm lightly and wait for the fight to begin.

As the match is announced to begin, the other brothers find their way to you and Anthony. Benedict looks rather surprised to see you. "I had no idea you were attending."

"Your brother invited me to keep your mother off his back. It seems that is all I'm good for." You chuckle.

"No true, but appreciated none the less," Benedict comments.

You smile, and he takes the empty seat beside you. It does not go unnoticed that you keep your arm looped with Anthony's. He doesn't comment on it.

The fight is intense. You gasp with every hard punch. The men around you cheer on their victor.

You had never witnessed such a match before, and you would be lying if you said you were not somewhat into it.

As the crowd stands, you stand with them and cheer along with the Bridgerton brothers. William Mondrich was their friend, and he was putting up hell of a good fight.

Benedict finds it amusing how excited you seem to be.

Mondrich wins!

You cheer along with the brothers. You laugh at the excitement. It was a thrilling match, indeed.

Anthony helps you down from your seat and speaks close to your ear so you can hear him. "We're off to collect our winnings. I shall see to it you get home right after."

You nod and thank him. As he leaves to fetch his earrings, Benedict turns to you.

"Did you enjoy that?"

You chuckle. "I did. Surprisingly."

"I must say, I did not expect to see you in attendance."

"I am full of surprises."

Benedict looks at you quietly for a moment. "Yes. You are."

You smile and look away. However, his gaze lingers on you for a bit.

Later, the Bridgertons see to it that you get home safely before they head off to the club. A place for the gentlemen only.

Anthony helps you up into the carriage and thanks you for humouring him today. Yo return the gesture and wave as the carriage leaves.

Colin has to nudge Benedict out of his thoughts.

♡♡♡

@callmemana - @lilscast - @imgondeletedis - @benedictbridgertonss - @clownsdiehard - @wxnterwidow333

@sillynilly27 - @autumn-slaves - @ben-has-arrived - @ajdelilah - @aadu2173

@booknerdlife - @tamlinrose - @sarahskywalker-amidala - @cheryyluv - @louschan - @lou-la-lou - @cultish-corner

@hopshusushi - @katherinejess - @nannabug - @afunkyfreshblog - @f0x33 - @dd122004dd -

@jupitervenusearthmars - @orchiidflwer - @bespinnn - @captainlunaxmen - @winchestersimpalababy - @acupnoodle

@ms-fandomgirl - @fablesrose - @anyaisinyourcloset - @meowzerzstuff -

[bella-goths-wife]

How the Vs are affectionate with pet reader

Velvette, vox and Val x assistant reader

Warnings: Valentino, SA mentions, forced affection, the Vs are terrible people, abuse

Vox:

At first, the affection between you two is very forced for vox

He’s affectionate with you in the same way he’s affectionate with his fans

Simply an arm around your waist or a squeeze of your cheek

It’s simply a tactic to disarm and charm as much as possible

But as time goes on, and vox grows more accustomed to your presence and eventually his affection changes

As he begins to mold you into his personal entertainment and possible heir, his affection become harder to define

It’s a mixture between what could be seen as fatherly affection towards you, and the sick possessive streak within him to keep you close to him at all times

And sometimes there is an ever present threat of violence as a backdrop for his affection

What could start out as a hand on your shoulder in a paternally proud moment could easily turn to a hand tugging on the collar around your throat to get you to pay more attention to him

What could be misconstrued as a comforting hug to an outsiders eye could easily be turned to a suffocating attempt to keep you close

With every affectionate action vox bestows on you will always come with the condition that abuse may be added into the adoring look he gives you

In all honestly, vox doesn’t understand where he stands with you when it comes to affection

He knows that realistically he shouldn’t see you as a surrogate daughter, but his mind says otherwise when he sees one of his habits rub off on you

But sometimes the pure happiness and possessiveness you bring out of him disgusts him so much that a hand on the shoulder just has to turn into a hand wrapped around your already delicate throat

He needs to remind himself and you that no matter how much he sees himself in you, you will always be his weak pet

“You can teach a dog many tricks to make them useful, but at the end they will always be a mutt at their masters feet” he had said to himself when he feels his paternal feelings for you grow too strong

He lies to himself and states that your easily replaceable, but he knows deep down that if something were to happen to you

He’d electrify the entire pentagram if it gave him enough light to find you in the dark

Velvette:

Velvette is not an affectionate person at all

Even to the people she cares about, like the Vs, she never feels the need to give unnecessary affection

So affection from velvette is extremely rare

The best you’d get from her in a day to day situation would be her linking her arm with yours as you walk

And that’s only after you’ve been her pet for months at least

But there have been rare moments of softness from her

After she’s had a particularly stressful day, she’ll command you to sit in front of her as she traces the intricate musical note scars etched into your face

Following the patterns carved into your soft skin always has a calming effect on her, but she’d never admit that to anyone

If she’s in an extremely good mood she’ll hug you tightly or she’ll do your make up and hair herself instead of making her employees do it

Once when she was in an extra good mood she gave you a small kiss on the forehead in celebration before hugging you and then commanding you to get her a business partners on the phone

Fair to say, any affection between you two must be on her terms

If for some ungodly reason you tried to initiate affection with velvette and she’s not in a extra extremely good mood then your getting pushed to the floor and ridiculed to tears

The only time other than her good mood that she’ll accept you initiating affection with her is when you’ve had a breakdown and your extremely vulnerable

She tells herself that it’s because she wants to use it to manipulate you, but it’s mostly because even if she doesn’t want to admit it, she does care for you

Your her pet after all, her loyal little doe like stray who her and the Vs saved from the streets

And she makes sure to remind you of that fact every time you squirm in her hold

Valentino:

Valentino swears that he can’t remember how to give platonic affection

It’s been so long since he’s been affectionate with someone he hasn’t hooked up with, is currently hooking up with or intends to hook up with

And he didn’t care about that for the first few months of your employment, he just treated you the same as the rest of

And his touch and affection was sexual in many ways but didn’t cross that boundary surprisingly

He tiptoed the line between sexual assault and inappropriate behaviour like a professional

But after he admitted to himself that he didn’t have sexual feelings towards you and he actually had a small part of himself caring about you, he tried to stop his touches from being seen as predatory

His inappropriate hands drifting too low when he put his hands on your shoulder turn to him ruffling your hair in what he thought was playful

He tried to make his touches more platonically motivated, but to you his every touch held a sexual undertone because of his past actions

His every touch made your skin crawl as it begged you to scrub it until his touch had been eradicated from your body

But all you could do was hold still and pray for it to end quicker

Because if you don’t appreciate his attempts at making you feel more comfortable for him, then he can easily go back to making his touch uncomfortable again

[sleekista]

that’s enough

barça femeni x teen!reader, alexia putellas x fem!reader

request: here

A/N: this is a mess. the plot is like when ur writing an english essay and you let your subconscious mind write it so it ends up splitting into three topics with no context.

TW: throwing up, coarse language

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Last night, I went out again. It isn’t unusual for me and if I get caught it gets me in trouble with Alexia. I’m not even doing anything bad most of the time, just driving around to take the pressure away. What I don’t factor in this time is the fact that we have an early morning session and a late night session. So if hell was a day, this is it.

First, we have a video session discussing tactics. Which is at 7am, then at 6pm we have a field session. Of course when I wasn’t there when Alexia woke up she immediately called me.

“Where are you? Where’s your car and why aren’t you in the house?” She questions clearly annoyed.

“Relax Alexia, I went out on a little drive, I’ll be there for the video session don’t worry.” She’s about to say more but I hang up. I know I won’t hear the end of this but there can’t be too much harm.

Turns out there can be.

I walk inside the room with my mcdonald’s coffee, I’m not the last person there but Alexia is in the room and shoots daggers at me. I shrug my shoulders, moving to sit next to Ingrid.

“Alexia is really mad, what did you do this time?” She asks, looking at me with a slight smirk.

“I went for a drive to clear my mind. I guess it’s illegal to do that now. I got a coffee though.” She wrinkles her face in disgust.

“Out of all the places to get coffee, you choose the worst one? Honestly kid, please find some place better. Staring at that makes me physically sick.” I roll my eyes.

“I was in a hurry and they call it fast food for a reason. Imagine if I was late? I’m already in trouble.” She nods her head in understanding.

“So, any plans for today or are you going to play Hogwarts Legacy all day.”

“I’m going to watch a movie.” I reply.

“The whole day?” She questions confused.

“Well… I never said I was seeing the movie IN Spain.” She sighs pinching the bridge between her nose.

“That’s not a good idea. Why would you do that?”

“Because I hate subtitles and I don’t want the movie to be in Spanish.” I shrug.

“That’s… a good point. If Alexia finds out you’ve left the country again she’s gonna lose it so have fun and make sure not to tell her you told me.” I nod.

“Will do my friend.” I’ve left the country before, one time to Germany where I accidentally met Georgia Stanway and got drunk with her. And the other time was at the UK in which I got into some nasty fights against some sad Arsenal fans. Like yes I was taunting them but no reason to attack me. I won in the end, obviously.

So if Alexia finds out I’ve left again she will be so mad. I focus my attention to the screen in front of us and listen in on what whatever Jona has to say.

- - - - -

After the session, I quickly make my way out of the room and into my car. I’m almost gone but Alexia is right behind me and she bangs on the window. I groan pulling it down.

“Hi Aleeee.”

“Don’t you ‘Hi Ale.’ me. Where have you been and how long? Do not lie to me.” I sigh.

“I went out on a drive around town, it’s so pretty at night, so excuse me if I want to look at it. Now if you must know. I’m on a tight schedule so, may you please move so I can move?” I ask, she reluctantly agrees and steps back allowing me to drive off to the airport.

(this is rlly fast paced but you can imagine whatever movie you want during the time skip)

- - - - -

It’s currently 5pm, I’ve been out all day the flights were only 2 hours and they were cheap. I don’t know why the others think of this stuff. Maybe I’m just Australian though.

I notice my stomach feels off, but it’s probably because I’m dehydrated and haven’t eaten a proper meal all day. Only a large popcorn and 2 packets of skittles.

I arrive at the grounds just in time and walk in with Sandra. I walk over to my area and get changed into the kit, before walking out onto the field with Lucy.

“You alright mate? You’re pale.” She states.

“I’m good, little tired is all.” I can tell she doesn’t believe me but we walk on.

The session is gruelling, high intensity and does not do anything to help what I’m feeling. Alexia has been pushing me harder than anyone else which is annoying and I low-key want to fall to the ground. That would only result in more laps though.

The 1.5 hour session ends, we have dinner which lasts half an hour than another 45 minutes in the gym. Both of which I am not excited for.

I can’t even think of anything when it happens, I feel bile rise up my throat and I just know that I should’ve eaten a proper meal. I make it into the bathroom in the nick of time, spilling my guts into the bowl. Someone is in here holding my tied back hair but I can’t be bothered to find who.

When I finally stop gagging, I flush the toilet and lean against the wall staring in front of me to find Keira.

“You feel any better or do you want to stay here.” She asks, resting her hand on my cheek. I shrug my shoulders as she sighs.

The door opens again and it’s Lucy.

“Oh, there you guys are. What happened?” Lucy turns to Keira.

“I was walking by the bathrooms and heard someone gagging and here she was throwing up.” She nods her head and I go to stand up.

“NO! No, you are not doing that. What if you throw up again? I’m going to get Alexia. Right now.” Lucy says sternly.

“Nooo, get Ingrid instead? Please Lucy.”

“Fine.” She walks out leaving Keira and I alone again.

“Mind telling me what lead to this moment?” I nod, explaining the staying up all night to not eating any proper food.

“That’ll do it. Can’t believe you just got on a flight to London.”

“It’s not even that long, it’s a great way to spend time. It’s like you saying a 45 minute drive is long. That’s how long it takes for me to get to school when I’m in Australia.” She shakes her head.

“Aussies sense of time is so out of whack I’m telling ya!” The door is opened again as Ingrid and Lucy make their way inside.

Ingrid sighs, “What are we going to do with you huh?” I laugh.

“Come on, let’s get you to the medics and then you can go home. I’ll drive your car and before you say anything we will be telling Alexia.” I nod, knowing there’s no escape.

We get to the medical room and Alexia is already there, talking about her knee with one of the physios. She looks over in question, Ingrid pushes me forward while Keira explains everything to the doctor. Who explains for me to eat a proper meal and drink some actual water. Before going to bed to get actual sleep.

Alexia is fuming, muttering many curse words and dragging me out of there. We get our stuff and give my keys to Mapi who nods at the plan of getting my car back home.

- - - - -

We walk through the door and Alexia guides me to the couch.

“I have had enough of this. We need to set some rules ok? You are 16 in a foreign country, you can’t go around to other countries when you fucking feel like it. I don’t care if you didn’t do anything bad but I can’t have you out of this city without me. Got it? As for the night driving, we’ll set a curfew and I expect you to be back by a certain time and you won’t be able to leave until a certain time. I told your parents I’d watch out for you but you are seriously making it hard for me to live up to that.”

“Sorry Ale.” She shakes her head.

“I’m not doing this with you right now. I’m going to make you a proper meal, you will drink 1 litre of water then you are heading straight to bed. No phone, no xbox, nothing until I deem you can be trusted. Am I clear?” I nod, feeling like I was 12 again.

“You might think this is excessive but I care about you. I want you to be safe, I need you to be safe. So please, make it easier for both of us.” Shes pleading now and it makes me feel bad, tears brim at the edge of my eyes and she sits down next to me.

“Amorcita, don’t cry. Por favor.” She rubs my thigh.

“I’m sorry Ale, I didn’t mean to. The night drives just lessen my anxiety about some things, you know. Like therapy.”

“I know, but you can speak to me about it any time if you feel you’re spiraling. Anyone on the team. Don’t do stupid things to get us to notice. Just talk I’m always here.” I sob into her arms, I can feel all the anger she has fade.

“Thanks, this means so much. Again I’m sorry.” She shakes her head.

“Don’t be, but I would like to know why you travelled to England to watch a movie, don’t you hate England?” This has me laughing.

“I mean… I do but in Spain it’s either gonna be in Spanish or have subtitles and I wanted it in English without.” She laughs softly.

“Of course, now how do you feel about Chicken Burgers for dinner? With potato gems.” I nod my head. She gets up and walks into the Kitchen starting to make the food.

Maybe I can start trying, and maybe I am truly cared about more than I thought. This team 🫶.

A/N: I LOVE SICKFICS I HAD TO. if you see any sickfic requested, i probs requested it lol

[goldvenuslvrs]

any hazel headcanons

an: not a ton of them but these are just the ones off the top of my head

pre-relationship

she cannot flirt to save her life - all she knows is 'stare at pretty girl and hope she notices' so that's what she does

the girls from fight club are constantly pushing her to say something but the fear of rejection stops her every time

she'll always volunteer to be your partner (in class and in fight club)

it's not until she needs to clean you up after club that she confesses her feelings - she didn't mean to but seeing you covered in blood from your sparring made her lose all subtlety

established relationship

a certified simp, there's nothing she wouldn't do for you

she loves to hear your infodumps about anything, she'll just smile and nod along, happy to see you so animated about something

she gets jealous so easily but she won't do anything about it - she's not the type to fight someone over it but she will bring it up to you in private where you're more than willing to reassure her yk

holding hands is a must, she needs to be touching you 24/7

she makes you playlists for specific occasions (driving in her car, cooking together, making out - everything has a playlist)

she has a separate notebook that she doesn't let anyone see that has little details that she wants to remember about you - your favourite food, your favourite colour, date ideas she wants to plan, etc

she loves stealing your clothes (even if she doesn't wear them), just so she can smell you - she was really embarrassed when you came over to see your sweatshirt being used as a pillowcase

you asked her about building bombs once and she nearly proposed on the spot

good morning texts everyday without fail

she loves walking you to your locker and seeing the shocked faces of everyone in the hallway

she knows that no one understands how she bagged you but she's not complaining

not that you fight often but when you do she's a huge fan of your tactic to flash your boobs to win the argument

nsfw under the cut

idk what people say this girl is a switch

when you first start having sex, she prefers to let you take control and guide her through it until she gains more confidence

if she's had a tough day, she'll be more dominant

the second she sees your tits it's all over for her no thoughts head empty

the only time she's truly dominant is when she's jealous because she needs to remind you who you belong to (not in a toxic alpha male kind of way but in a i'm the only one that gets to make you feel good kind of way)

whimpers

she loves when you pull her chain to pull her in for a kiss

one of you bought a strap as a joke but she loves seeing you gag on it

[fuckkwithtwoks]

Batkids and their fave patrol snacks!! (yes B carries all of them in his belt to this day)

Dick - fruit snacks. He was little when he started robining and fruit snacks were fun enough that he would eat them but Bruce could also get the healthy real fruit kind, so win-win.

Jason - Apple slices (usually with peanut butter) Jason is the reason everyone has different snacks because he is not a fan of fruit snacks. B just pivoted to bringing real fruit and this one stuck.

Cass - Trail mix, it must have M&Ms in there but other than that she'll eat any kind. She doesn't get what people's problem with raisins is (her second go to is chocolate covered ones) so she never picks them out.

Steph - Pringles. You can pry them out of her cold dead hands Bruce. Are they good for you? No. Are they quiet? Also no. She doesn't care and Bruce acts a bit annoyed by it but he still keeps them in his belt just in case and when she asks for a new flavor (she likes variety) he grumbles at her but switches them.

Tim - Peanuts. I've decided Tim is mildly allergic to tree nuts, but desperately wishes he wasn't. Also they're small and relatively quiet and quick to grab and throw in his belt because back when he started being robin, Bruce didn't carry snacks anymore, so Tim made do (eventually B notices he always brings them and starts carrying them for him)

Duke - A sandwich. Look, Dukes out mostly during the day and so it's just easier to make a quick sandwich in the morning to eat after school. It's way more filling too since everyone else goes out after dinner but usually it's been a few hours since Dukes had lunch.

Damian - Granola bars, he especially likes ones with chocolate chips in them, though he'd never admit it. He insists granola bars are his go to because they're more tactically smart since they're bars instead of individual little pieces of food.

Bonus:

Bruce - whatever weird leftovers his kids left. Only the orange fruit snacks because dick is almost thirty and still won't eat them. Tim's peanuts that accidentally ended up half mixed with Cass's trail mix and now Tim can't eat because there were walnuts in it. A pb&j Duke didn't get around to eating yesterday. Whatever's around that the kids can't, didn't, or won't eat.

[kasdan]

Watching Horror Movies Headcanons

masterlist

Pairing: marvel characters x gn!reader

Characters: Frank Castle, Loki, Carol Danvers, Kamala Khan, Bucky Barnes, Peter Parker, Yelena Belova, Matt Murdock, Natasha Romanoff, Wanda Maximoff

Warnings: characters getting scared, loki and wanda being menaces, mentions of gore

𝑭𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝑪𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒆

Isn’t really a fan of horror movies

Thinks a lot of them are dumb and don’t give off the scary aspect that they’re supposed to

Doesn’t get scared easily, but sometimes jumps at the cheap jumpscares and can’t help but laugh in the aftermath of it when he realizes how cheap the scare was

Lets you know when he thinks something is dumb or questions why it happens

Will go on about how impractical certain things that happen are

Ends up turning into a whole spiel on how none of the movie makes any sense and how it’s supposed to be a so called horror movie

Laughs way more than you probably should when watching a horror movie

Is astonished when you tell him that one of these movies is actually based on a true story

Convinced that they must have changed details from the original story in order to make the movie “more interesting”

Doesn’t go out of his way in order to watch another movie

Lets out a playful groan if you ask him to watch another one with you

Says he needs to be energized for it and has to make a pot of coffee before watching it to get him through it

𝑳𝒐𝒌𝒊

Is curious to what the movie entails but the curiosity quickly turns unamused when he starts to watch a section of the movie

Doesn’t flinch or show any emotion when scares come onto the screen

Thinks the scares aren’t scary and the premise of the movie is dumb

Questions why you would ask him to watch such a ghastly movie

Is the type of person to want everyone in the movie to die, including the killer

Gives you a pointed look when the cheapest and worst jumpscare happens and after the killers origin story is seen and it is not great

Attempts to scare you the same way the movie had try to do by making the same props appear in random places

If you get scared he will tease you relentlessly about jumping at a scare he didn’t think was possible to get scared at

He continues on the scares for a couple days until one time you practically punch him in the face (from the scare of course no other reason) and he decides to stop with everything

You will actually never invite him to watch any kind of horror movie with you again

𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒍 𝑫𝒂𝒏𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔

Likes horror movies, but not the ones that have cliche stories and half assed writing

Watches a different variety of horror movies in order to see the differences each of them have from each other

If one is a lot like a different movie she won’t really like it, she likes how movies differentiate from each other so there’s new things to experience

Since she likes the uniqueness in movies, she doesn’t really like the movies that are a part of a series, especially if the series goes on for too long and the concepts in the movies are basically the same

Gets excited when a new horror movie is announced and she can’t wait to watch it and experience it

Is more of a horror movie critic than anything else and will say what she felt about the movie and how they could have made it even better

She doesn’t really jump or get scared at the scares in the movie and more so enjoys the plot of the movie instead

Wants to have you watch different movies that she really enjoys in order to share what she really likes in them to get you to like them too

𝑲𝒂𝒎𝒂𝒍𝒂 𝑲𝒉𝒂𝒏

Is so scared that she’ll think of various other things that she “needs” to do in order to stall watching the movie

Gets all sorts of snacks and blankets ready before she eventually runs out of stalling tactics and reluctantly goes to sit down to start watching the movie

Ends up with three blankets covering her and half her face under them, only leaving her eyes peeked out from over them

Jumps over every slight movement and noise that she hears, either from the movie or from other things in the room

When the movie gets to a point where it looks like there’s about to be a jumpscare she hides under the blankets and you have to tell her when it’s okay for her to look again

Puts on a bunch of other (not horror) movies and shows on to watch insisting that you guys pull an all nighter, acting like she’s only doing it because it’ll be fun not because she won’t be able to sleep

Has to keep a light on in her room in order to be able to sleep

If you mention watching another horror movie she’ll probably just smile at you with wide eyes and come up with something else to do instead without directly rejecting the idea

𝑩𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒚 𝑩𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒔

Isn’t the largest fan of the horror genre, but will try it out

Gets a little more triggered if the movie is particularly gory

Doesn’t like if the killer shows like they’re extremely sociopathic with no emotions going around murdering everyone

Would prefer to watch something less gory and a little more cheerful, but will still attempt to watch anything that you’re very excited to watch

Tries to get into the plot of the movie while trying his hardest to block out any blood or triggering scenes for him

Wouldn’t choose to watch a horror movie over a different genre he enjoys more, but he can see why people like to watch them, they’re just not for him

Finds paranormal movies the most interesting since there’s not a human “killer” that’s part of the movie

Learns more about the kind of movies surprising himself by actually finding them interesting, not expecting him to like anything in the kind of genre that much

Doesn’t get that scared of the movies, only jumping when he gets caught off guard at something

𝑷𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒌𝒆𝒓

Has his indifferences with horror movies

On one hand he really likes how certain horror movies are put together

But on the other hand he gets scared easily and has to prepare himself for every horror movie that he watches

Kind of like kamala he has to have many blankets on him while he watches the movie, keeping him comfort for when any of the jumpscares pop up

Distracts himself with a various amount of snacks so he doesn’t have to think much about what is going on on the screen

Whenever a person in the movie makes a dumb decision or is on the verge of doing so he’ll bring the blankets up further and repeat phrases on the line of “don’t go in there, don’t go in there” and “oh my god don’t turn around”

Will reference back to the movie if something happens and he’s reminded of it, purposefully skipping over the parts where he got incredibly scared in

Brushes it off like it’s nothing, but it will actually take a longer time for him to be able to fall asleep at night, every slight noise he’d be jumping up on full alert

He’ll have to tell himself that nothing out of the ordinary is happening and there isn’t a psychopathic murderer after him

𝒀𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒂 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒂

Is extremely down to watch a horror movie, thinking it’ll be fun to try

Ends up jumping so high and letting out a swear at the first jumpscare in the movie

Has a look of shock on her face when she’s completely caught off guard at something that happens

You have to make sure she’s not holding anything heavy in her hand so she doesn’t end up throwing it at the tv when she gets scared

You don’t think you’ve ever heard her swear as much in one setting as she does when she watches the movie

Gets aggravated when she keeps falling for the same type of jumpscare and starts to scream at the screen at how they just keep doing the same thing and how dumb it is

Doesn’t really pay attention to the plot of the movie and ends up in a competition with herself on how much she can withstand the jumpscares

She stares at the screen practically unblinking so ready for any jumpscare that’s bound to show up

Jumps up out of her seat in excitement when she doesn’t even flinch at a scare that pops up, acting like she’s beaten a level of a game she’s been stuck on for weeks

𝑴𝒂𝒕𝒕 𝑴𝒖𝒓𝒅𝒐𝒄𝒌

You know that he can’t see what’s on the tv, so you don’t really invite him to watch a horror movie, he just kind of joins you himself

You’ll be cuddled up on the couch watching a scary movie and matt will hear your heartbeat pick up and go to check on you

When you tell him you’re just watching a scary movie he’ll ask to join you and take a seat next to you

He can’t see the jumpscares coming and finds it amusing when you jump next to him

However if there’s a particularly loud part that comes out of nowhere he will get slightly startled by it

You tell him what’s happening when there’s no dialogue and you both end up making fun of what different characters are doing

“Wait why is she going into the shed? Shouldn’t she be trying to find a way out of there?”

He ends up having a good time even though he can’t see what’s happening on the screen and it becomes a tradition for you two to watch different horror movies just to see how the survivors attempt to stay alive in the dumbest ways

𝐍𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐚 𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐟𝐟

Actually really likes horror movies, especially very suspenseful scenes and the adrenaline rush she gets when she watches them

Watches them for fun on her down time

Is excited when Halloween draws closer and a lot of people start to watch more horror movies

Will drag you to a movie theater to watch a horror movie

She likes seeing the scares on such a big screen, and how tense the room gets as everyone awaits for a jumpscare that they know is coming

Is a fan of some the classics and the effect they have on her

Doesn’t like to rewatch a horror movie that she’s seen before

Knowing when the scares are going to happen takes the suspense out of it for her so she’ll only rewatch a movie that she hasn’t seen in a while and she doesn’t exactly remember all the things that happen

𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚 𝐌𝐚𝐱𝐢𝐦𝐨𝐟𝐟

Would use the horror movie as an excuse to get close to you

The scares of the movie don’t really phase her, but if she does get scared she’ll laugh and play it off like it’s not a big deal

Finds it amusing when you jump or get scared at different parts

Will get a ton of blankets and pillows for you two to get the most comfortable with

Makes multiple attempts to try and scare you when the movie gets to a slow and quiet point

She’ll grip your shoulder suddenly and let out a scream in an attempt to try and get you to jump

If she succeeds she’ll end up laughing so hard, apologizing between the laughs but you know she doesn’t mean it

When she successfully does it three times during the movie you threaten to not watch any more movies with her in the future which makes her quickly apologize and say that she’ll stop and behave for the rest of the night

All in all she has a fun time watching scary movies, even if it isn’t fully the movie that has her in an excitable mood, and she enjoys getting to be able to spend time with you no matter what you’re doing

all photos used were found on pinterest ❤️

buy me a coffee ♡

[sserpente]

Montana Blues

Synopsis: When you moved to Hawkins, Billy Hargrove quickly became the pain of your existence. As an arrogant fuckboy trying to lure you into his bed, you take absolute pleasure in turning him down times and times again—even if he’s getting on your nerves. But when you find out that Billy practically threatened the entire male population of Hawkins to keep their hands off you because you are his, you snap. How fucking dare he?!

Words: 3714 Warnings: smut, lots of f-bombs

In retrospect, foregoing wearing a bra had been a really bad idea. The Indiana summer heat was near unbearable and it hadn’t even hit July yet. Fanning yourself some air with your hand, you breathed out audibly and tucked your white tanktop away from your sweaty skin with the other. You were soaked which had resulted in your nipples happily showing through the now see-through fabric.

Not a single summer back home in Montana could have ever prepared you for the boiling temperatures here in Hawkins. Naturally, you were not equipped for the change of weather yet. You had one old bathing suit and a pair of flip-flops that was on the verge of falling apart. A large bag, some beach towels, and some new swimwear were high on your shopping list but until your next salary rolled in, your hands were tied and the public pool was out of reach.

“Just this, please.” You placed the ice cream on the counter along with a dollar bill, envying the clerk behind the till because he got to stay inside this air-conditioned gas station all day while you, in just a moment, had to go back outside and melt.

The fact that you ran into Billy Hargrove of all people when you left the small store didn’t exactly help either. That man was sex on two legs and you were already too hot. Unfortunately though, his arrogant demeanour made him quite unattractive for the most part. You knew him because you’d given his sister Max a ride a couple of times. She’d been skating home despite the pouring rain so you’d offered to pick her up from the pavement on your way home from work.

He’d been trying to woo you ever since, only his usual tactics didn’t work with you. You’d seen right through them. A charming smile, a few flattering words, cheesy compliments, a nice dinner and then… sex and then of course the infamous promise that he would call but then never did.

“Hey, Montana. Enjoying your day?”

You rolled your eyes, unwrapping your ice cream in the process. In your current state… hardly. His sly smile was proof enough that he’d noticed your very visible nipples through your shirt.

“I don’t know how you guys cope in this heat,” you gave back.

Billy shrugged. “California’s worse. Why aren’t you at the pool?” He was topless, wearing only a red pair of trunks. Lifeguarding duties. He must have been on his break and getting a snack given the public swimming pool was right across the street.

“My inventory isn’t cut out for that yet. Besides, I’ve got more unpacking to do.”

“You’re still unpacking? You moved here six months ago.”

“Yes. Alone, and buying bit after bit. I’m on a budget, you know.”

Billy rolled his shoulders. “Sounds like you need a day off. Are you free Saturday evening?”

Saturday, aka the summer-BBQ-ball. The whole town had been behaving like high schoolers all week, asking each other out as if it was prom all over again. You’d heard of it and to be frank, you’d hoped that a cute guy would ask you to accompany him—not that you needed that sort of validation. It would just be… nice. A date with Billy, however, could only end in sex. Hot and really good sex maybe, but you did not move to Hawkins to get your heart broken.

You sighed. “You never give up, huh? I don’t know yet.”

“So you’ll think about it.”

“That’s not what I said.”

Billy grinned. “It wasn’t a no either though.”

“Will you ever give up? I’ve said no plenty of times. Take a hint, Hargrove.”

Billy only chuckled, almost as if he knew something you didn’t. “Enjoy your ice cream,” he said with a nod to your hand. You cursed. The chocolate on it was already running down your wrist.

He was good at getting under people’s skin, you had to give him that. And he had quite possibly tried everything in his book to seduce you. Needed your new bookshelves assembled? Billy had shown up with a toolbox the same day. Your bathroom tab was not working? He’d had it fixed the next day.

Come to think of it, the man was quite protective over you too. You’d never seen a man more determined to get you into his bed. The thought of giving in to his advances had crossed your mind more than once of course. But you weren’t the type for one-night stands. No. Once you tasted blood, you were back for more and you sincerely doubted that Billy was going to give it to you. Or was he? What would that be called? An enemy-with-benefits relationship?

The fact that the electricity between you was practically sizzling didn’t exactly help either. You wanted to fuck him just as bad as he wanted to fuck you. You might have evaporated if he touched you or at least melted into his arms and let him do whatever he wanted to you, preferably with his face between your legs. You’d been dancing around each other for months now—to the point where your friends had claimed that it was only a matter of time until you’d both explode and pounce on each other like wild animals.

Luckily though, you soon didn’t have to think about that particular issue anymore. After you’d finished your ice cream, you stopped by the local building store to get paint for your bedroom when you ran into Andreas. He was a cute young man with dark curls working there part-time to save up for a house—for a family, he’d said the first time you’d spoken.

There were sparks between you for sure. Andreas was future husband material—so much more suitable than Billy, only… only a little less panties-wetting maybe.

“So, uh…” Andreas said as he rang you up, “… you going to the summer-BBQ-ball?”

“Maybe. It depends.”

“Has, uh… anyone asked you yet?”

You smiled at him. “Not yet.”

“O-okay. Then, well… consider this an official invitation? Do you, um… wanna go with me as in… you know, my date?”

His hand was warm when you gave him a twenty-dollar bill. “I would love to, Andreas.”

Take that, Billy. You’d show up with Andreas, have a good time and let him kiss you good night rather than let him tear your clothes off in your bedroom after taking you home. It had been about time.

“Guess who has a date for the summer-BBQ-ball!” Andreas was beaming when he entered the bar and joined his friends at their table, waving for the bartender to bring him a beer. He’d just clocked out and was ready to celebrate now that he’d finally mustered the courage to ask you out.

“Who? Dude, tell us who you’re going with!”

Proudly, Andreas spoke your name—noticing only from the corner of his eye how the head of a certain Billy Hargrove whipped around in an instant.

Andreas tensed up when he watched him get up and approach with his beer in hand, smelling trouble the closer he came.

“I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood. I heard you’re taking my girl to the summer-BBQ-ball?” Billy put his arm around him, leaning against him slightly as if to prove how heavy he was—and hence, how much damage he could do.

“She’s not your girl. As far as I’m concerned, she’s single,” Andreas explained and swallowed.

“Yeah, come on, Hargrove, you can’t have them all. Leave some girls for the rest of us. You can’t chase after her forever.”

“What did you just say to me?”

“Billy, come on…”

“Listen… Andreas, is it? You take my girl out to that barbeque ball and I will give you not one but two black eyes and a couple of broken bones to go with that. Have I made myself clear?”

Andreas swallowed. “T-then why did she agree to go on a date with me, huh?”

“It’s complicated. But if you talk to her again, if you even look at her again, you’ll pay, understood?”

“Understood.” None of his friends made a move. Billy was not one to mess with even though he was outnumbered.

“Oh, hey, Andreas!” Your phone had rung right after you’d finished blowdrying your hair after a shower. Now that the clock had struck seven, the heat finally became a little more bearable and you were ready to call it a day and enjoy your evening.

“Hey… uh… listen… I have a little problem,” his voice sounded at the other end of the line. “Something came up and I’ll… I’ll be out of town this Saturday. So… I won’t be able to take you to the summer-BBQ-ball after all.”

Your heart sank. “I’m sorry… what?”

“I’m really sorry, it’s… something I can’t postpone came in between and…”

“Cut the bullshit. I know you’re lying. Just tell me the real reason.” And I might leave your crown jewels intact, you added silently. You gnashed your teeth, anger mixing with disappointment.

It went silent on the other end of the line. Then, Andreas sighed your name.

“Okay, listen… you’re really nice and you probably don’t deserve that. But you didn’t hear this from me, okay? It’s… it’s Hargrove.”

You blinked. “What do you mean it’s Hargrove?”

“Well, as long as you’re on and off… no one wants to risk it.”

“What do you mean, on and off?”

“Come on,” Andreas said, repeating your name, “Hargrove clearly still has a thing for you. He won’t let any guy come near you. I thought you guys were done when I asked you out on a date today but he quickly proved me wrong.”

“What do you mean proved you wrong?” You were speaking slowly, putting stress on every single word.

“He threatened to beat me up, alright? Call me a pussy but Hargrove’s a bag of walking testosterone. I don’t have a death wish.”

“He did what?” you shrieked.

“Yeah… look, if you’re done with him, you’ll have to let him know. He’s been telling every single man in town to keep his hands off of you for months.”

“What?” You were screaming now.

Andreas whined.  “Now I’m deaf…”

“Sorry… Andreas, okay, just… forget about the summer-BBQ-ball, I’ll talk to Billy, alright? Thanks for the call.”

“Yeah… see you at the store I guess. I’m really sorry.”

The line went dead and you smashed the phone back on the hook.

“Oh, fuck me!” This was it. This had been going on for long enough. One by one, the puzzle pieces fell into place. Why no one had dared to ask you out for the summer-BBQ-ball. Why no man so much as looked in your direction which, even though you didn’t make your life dependent on a man’s attention of all things, had been nibbling away on your confidence. Andreas was the first man who’d shown you proper courtesy today. It hadn’t always been like that either. A young woman, strong and independent, you had caught the eye of a lot of men in town and then, one day, it had simply… stopped as if they’d found out you were practicing witchcraft or something.

Rejecting Billy was one thing but him ruining the prospect of a relationship for you? Not cool. Determined, you grabbed your car keys and rushed out of the house, almost forgetting to lock your door in the process and speeding along the way.

When you arrived at his house, your frantic knocking even alarmed the neighbour who was sitting on a bench on the porch. It was Max who opened, clearly disturbed.

“Where is he? Is he home yet?” you snapped. Max stared at you blankly and then stepped aside. She knew who you were here for, obviously. You stormed past her and toward the door that had a “Keep the fuck out” sign on it—without a doubt Billy’s bedroom—and barged through the door without knocking.

Funnily enough, he didn’t even seem to notice. He had his muscular back to you, lifting weights with a pair of headphones on. Sweat was glistening on his naked arms. The only two reasons that stopped you from licking it right off him were a, your seething anger and b, the fact that it almost traumatised you he was working out in this heat after a lifeguard shift. Oh, you’d lied. Three reasons. C was that you certainly wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of acting on your filthy thoughts.

With a scoff, you slammed his door shut behind you and then ripped the headphones right off his head.

“What the hell…” He turned, probably expecting to see Max. Visible surprise danced across his handsome face when he recognised you instead and set the weights down.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” you yelled, not even giving him a second to think about why you were in his bedroom—the one place you had not, under any circumstances, wanted to end up in.

“It’s nice to see you too, Montana. To what do I owe the pleasure of a home visit?”

“You told Andreas you’d beat him up if he went to the summer-BBQ-ball with me!”

Billy raised his eyebrows, seemingly unfazed. “The fucker told you?”

“He also told me that you threatened the entire male population of Hawkins to leave me alone! You have no fucking right to do that, who do you think you are, you arrogant prick? Can your fragile little ego not take a scratch? Is it so hard to believe there are women on this planet who don’t want to fuck you?”

“My fragile little ego? You want me, Montana. Why would I go after a woman that doesn’t want to fuck me when there’s so many that do, including you?”

Yes, you did and that was another fucking problem. You wanted him so bad you’d admitted to wanting to lick the sweat off his body only a moment ago—but you were certainly not about to tell him that. “For Fuck’s sake, Billy! I moved here only six months ago and you fucking find a way to ruin it! You fucking untell them, do you hear me? You tell him that we’re not a thing and that you don’t mind me dating other guys.”

“Untell them?” He grinned.

You glared at him. “You’re not even taking this seriously! You can’t just claim ownership over me like I’m a fucking object, Billy, I’m a person!”

“Come to the barbeque ball with me.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said come to the barbeque ball with me.”

“You’re joking. You’re fucking joking! I’m not gonna go out on a fucking date with you now that I know that you—“ You didn’t get to finish your sentence, not before Billy’s lips came crashing down on yours. He cupped your face, devouring your mouth like his last meal. His kiss was passionate and demanding and just like that… you were melting for entirely different reasons, your body reciprocating his kiss on its own accord.

Your body embraced him as if you’d been made for each other, the tension between you finally finding release. Billy’s hands slid over your collarbones and the side of your breasts, down to your waist and your hips. He stepped forward, forcing you backwards until the back of your knees hit the edge of his unmade bed.

He pushed you down on it without your lips parting, crawling on top of you to keep you from an escape you didn’t want to attempt. All hell broke loose in your mind, your brain ceasing to function any longer. All you could think of was Billy and how you wanted his hands everywhere on your naked body, especially between your legs.

He was quick to peel you out of your clothing when he finally let you catch your breath. He was still sweaty from his workout and you too were sticky again from the car ride because you hadn’t turned on the AC in your rage and hurry. They all landed on a messy pile on his floor until you were naked beneath him.

There were no breaks. Billy assaulted your neck by leaving a trail of wet kisses on the sensitive skin, a moan escaping your lips the moment his hands cupped your bare breasts. You parted your legs, allowing him to kneel between them. He got rid of his tanktop and tossed it away, revealing his upper body to you. You bit your lower lip, too distracted by his abs to notice him shuffling further away from you so he could comfortably place his hands on your knees.

“Want me to show what you’ve been missing out on, doll?” He didn’t leave you time to reply, instead buried his face between your legs. His tongue came darting forward to taste your arousal, teasing your entrance, nibbling at your outer lips and then… he flicked it over your clit—again, and again, and again, and again…

Billy closed his mouth around your sensitive bundle of nerves, sucking gently all the while his tongue kept playing with it. Your toes curled, your fingernails digging into his sheets. You threw your head back and moaned.

Fuck, he certainly knew what he was doing. Billy had you on the brink of orgasm in no time. You were about to see stars when he pushed two fingers into your slick warmth and fucked you lazily. But then… just when you were about to let go and fall over the edge, your walls aready clenching around his digits… he pulled away.

“What the fuck, Billy?”

“I want you cumming around my cock. Repeatedly.” Repeatedly? Oh fuck…

“C-condom…” you choked out.

“I’m on it, doll…” Billy reached for his bedside table and opened one of the drawers, pulling out a small and shiny square package. It didn’t take him long to get rid of his boxers, revealing his erection to you. Motherfucker, that man was very well equipped indeed. Average in length but a little thicker than the guys you had slept with before him. He stood proudly, his red tip leaking a little bit of precum.

You licked your lips, imagining sucking him off like a popsicle when he ripped the condom packaging open with his teeth and quickly rolled the thin layer of latex over his throbbing cock. His lips were on yours again only seconds before you could feel his tip press against your entrance, sliding in with no resistance whatsoever. Inch by inch, Billy sheathed himself inside you until you wrapped your legs around his hips, willing him even deeper.

“You good, doll?” he whispered against your lips.

“Yes, yes! Just fuck me already!”

“Been waiting to hear these words out of your pretty little mouth ever since you fucking moved here.”

But he obeyed, eliciting moan after moan from your lips when he started moving inside of you, fucking you senseless. He wasn’t gentle. Hell, he was rough and you loved it.

Every single stroke of his knocked all air from you. Billy withdrew almost entirely only to plunge himself back into you with so much force he kept hitting your cervix. Pleasure mixed with a slight hint of pain and your fast-approaching orgasm now that he sneaked his hand down to where your bodies met, playing your clit like an instrument.

“Cum for me, pretty girl.”

You couldn’t have resisted even if you had wanted to because only a fraction of a second later, you burst into a million pieces like a glass vase shattering its shards all across the room. You came with his name on your lips, clawed at his naked back, leaving angry red marks for sure as you kept contracting around him, milking him for all he was worth. Billy shuddered, you could feel it but he didn’t stop. As soon as you’d calmed down enough for your hazy gaze to return to him, he kept on rutting into you like an animal in heat.

“Again,” he ordered, his skilled fingers returning to your clit. You flinched as it was more sensitive than now but fuck, it felt good. So good that…

“Oh my god!” You arched your back when you came a second time and pulsed around Billy’s cock. At this point, you couldn’t tell anymore where you ended and he began as he fucked you through your climax.

“Again, doll.”

“No, Billy, I can’t… I…” You were tingly all over and you were pretty sure you couldn’t tell where up and down was anymore. Trapped in pleasure, desire and lust you were putty in Billy’s hands.

“Yes, you can. You can give me one more. Come on.” He was right, you could. You could when he wrapped one of his hands around your throat and put just enough pressure on the sides to remind you of his dominance and fuck, you loved it.

But you could tell that he too was fighting to keep his composure and hold out for a while longer. As soon as your third orgasm washed over you like a tidal wave, Billy grunted, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. He gave you a couple more frantic thrusts before he stilled and jerked inside of you, filling the condom with his seed. Fuck, next time you wanted to suck him dry and taste him.

Once you had both come down from your highs at last, he withdrew to get rid of the condom. His chuckle when you whined at the loss instantly made your heart beat faster.

Then, when he leaned back on his bed and crossed his fingers behind his back, you snuggled up against his sweaty chest. You two were a complete and utter mess in dire need of a shower.

“I’ll go to the damn summer-BBQ-ball with you,” you said into the surprisingly comfortable silence.

Billy chuckled triumphantly. “Good. Wear something pretty. I’ll show you off like a goddamn princess.”

Whatever would happen from here, you didn’t know. Perhaps Billy Hargrove would break your heart now that he’d gotten what he’d wanted. Perhaps you’d just officially become enemies with benefits. But you had to admit there was a slight chance that he’d just officially declared you his girlfriend too.

A/N: Check out my blog for more Imagines and my novels! ♥

[kaus-quietis]

BSD Fyodor Dostoyevsky: an in-depth character analysis

“Человек есть тайна. Ее надо разгадать, и ежели будешь ее разгадывать всю жизнь, то не говори, что потерял время; я занимаюсь этой тайной, ибо хочу быть человеком.” / “Man is an enigma. It must be unravelled, and if you will unravel it your entire life, then do not say that you have wasted time; I occupy myself with that enigma, because I want to be human.” – the writer Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky, in a letter to his older brother, Mikhail (St. Petersburg, 16 August 1839)

The purpose of this post is to present and analyse information related to Bungou Stray Dogs’ Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s personality and methodology. Softer than shadow, unsolved and endless, Fyodor may as well “hide” his soul under our very eyes and we still would not know if that is the “real” him. This is my promised Fedya essay, an info-gathering analysis masterpost I hope you will enjoy and find useful for contemplating and coming to understand his complex character a little bit better.

Warning: merciless BSD manga spoilers. Literally spoiling everything. Also, this is an unbelievably long post (20200+ words). Have some lovely tea, listen to Rachmaninoff, and read in serene leisure or endlessly curious passion.

Last update: November 2022. 20.200+ words. The BSD manga reached ch105, the BSD anime completed season 3, while season 4 is announced for January 2023. Please refer to my original post (this one) in the future, as I could add updates periodically when new chapters release (or so I hope). Please note that I am using the official English translations for chapters 1-94 unless stated otherwise. I am eternally grateful for all fan translations. Lastly, please note that in this essay I will not focus on: 1) connections to F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment or other literary works; 2) connections to F.M. Dostoyevsky’s biography / personal life; 3) possibilities of what Fyodor’s ability could be; 4) the philosophical and ethical side of Fyodor’s motives. All these would require vast separate posts entirely (who knows, I might write them too one day). My intention is to offer guidance in decyphering what Fyodor’s personality is truly like, as well as how his methods and tactics play a role into shaping said personality or BSD’s plot. Last note: in this essay, quite frequently, I am making references to other beautiful posts written by BSD fans, tagging them and linking to their posts. If you are tagged and want me to remove the tag, please send me a message via ask box and I will edit the tag out.

Sections:

A. Let the hand of God guide you: Fyodor and hand / arm symbolism

B. He understands human nature deeply, if not perfectly

C. He values independence and (most probably) his co-workers

D. No confirmation yet that he is brainwashing others and why this is relevant

E. He loves and lives for entertainment

F. Humble, not arrogant. Self-proclaimed god or servant of God?

G. A strange divergence inside Fyodor. Is he a singularity?

H. Soft, discreet, graceful, yet playfully dramatic. His body language in the manga, in comparison to the anime

A. Let the hand of God guide you: Fyodor and hand / arm symbolism

When it comes to Fyodor’s character, even choosing a starting point for our discussion about him might prove challenging. For all we know so far, he is a Russian man with a completely unknown past, he appears to be in his 20s, just a pinch shorter than Dazai (as @kaikaikitanmp3​​ showed here), elegant, alluring and ambiguously sickly (see section H for more on his self-proclaimed anemia and overall physique). Until we get more canon manga information on his personal profile, I propose we start from something that already has numerous ties to Fyodor’s character, a symbol we can present the many meanings of, only to abandon us to our roaming thoughts later. This symbol is that of the hand, and, before that, the closely-related symbol of the arm.

Embrace of all. A symbol of both power and protection, the human arm represents the instrument to apply justice and punishment, to rule and to guide. Not only that, but as a symbol of a human’s strength and capacity to act, its image becomes that of vitality itself. To open one’s arms is an act of invocation, raising them to the sky – an act of calling for divine blessing, but this welcoming gesture also renders a person wide-open and vulnerable, receptive and embracing. A certain humbleness and vulnerability is involved in this gesture, because only then one can wholly accept what stands before or above them, let them in, understand and feel them. This willingness to embrace alterity, when represented in art or various media, can be of different nuances, thus triggering different responses in the viewer: it can be soothing, heartwarming, comforting, just as it can be unnerving, constraining, intrusive even for even just suggesting such embrace. It is no wonder we see this gesture in how Ango apparently imagines Fyodor (ch78). While his arms are covered by his coat, his open hands, as of darkness, extend towards the viewer. This image appears as Ango concluded that Atsushi getting shot by Nathaniel, later falling unconscious in Anne’s room, was part of Fyodor’s plan. How this plan covered and embraced that outcome is portrayed as unsettling, therefore making good use of the negative values of such body language and symbols. Together with the ch63 panel where Fyodor’s faceless silhouette is shown with his open hands turned towards his chest, each finger pulling a thin string, this example, too, suggests the idea of Fyodor’s influence and interference being disturbingly omnipresent, this time with the hand gesture emphasizing the hidden character of his plans. A different example, of Fyodor conveying openness through body language, specifically showing his palms to someone while even opening his arms in a welcoming manner, is when he was negotiating with Mushitaro in ch55, offering to end his imprisonment in exchange for Mushitaro playing a role in Fyodor’s Cannibalistic Mutual Destruction operation. At that moment, Fyodor’s gesture conveyed the sincere character of his offer, made more impactful by being accompanied by much gesticulation on Fyodor’s part during the whole scene (more on Fyodor’s rhetorical use of expressive gestures in section H).

Honesty and harmlessness. The symbol of the hand also represents human ability to act, putting a start or an end to action, as well as having the freedom to act. Just like the arm, the hand is a symbol of power, justice and dominance, as well as guidance and bestowing blessings. Open palms, much like open arms, convey the message of having no ill will, no hidden secrets, thus presenting oneself in an open, vulnerable position, but also one allowing reception of the other, and, in the case of the open hands, showing willingness to share, as the hand’s different “powers” are almost as numerous as human actions themselves: to contain, to take away, to keep hidden, to harm, to mend, to unite, to divide, to guide, to give. The meanings of these, melted together, would all still accurately be applicable to Fyodor’s character, who, in the most general sense, just like Dazai’s character or even more so, represents the complexity of human nature, so rich in paradoxes, so ultimately impenetrable. Now, showing your hands, and especially showing your palms or inner part of your arms (interior side of the wrists and upper arms, for example), means showing you have no ill intent (based on how, for example, since ancient times, such a posture simply showed the other that you do not carry any weapons). Hence, in this line of thought, we can approach the scene where Fyodor showed his fragile hand and wrist to Ace in ch42. It has a double meaning in this scenario: firstly, Fyodor is indeed honest and open, he does not have an ill intent, because his hidden purpose, in itself, addresses the greater good of humanity; secondly, Fyodor’s intent becomes “ill” only when related to Ace himself, who saw Fyodor as a threat and was ready to deny Fyodor his personhood, as he did with all his subordinates, who became his slaves or, rather, his disposeable objects and instruments. In so many of BSD’s events and organisational dynamics, it is evident how relativity rules the verdict we as readers can give to various groups or characters. BSD features excellent examples of grey morality everywhere, and the problem of whether Fyodor is good or evil is no exception. It is all relative to a past and a future we do not know yet, while still maintaing a certain unnerving, dark side that undeniably accompanies Fyodor’s character at each step. The reader is then immediately reminded of this dark, threatening side of Fyodor’s, as he concluded the ennumeration of his physical and circumstational disadvantages with the abrupt “So how about this? I’ll kill you instead”.  And while I did call this subsection “honesty and harmlessness”, everyone is conscious of Fyodor’s potential to harm at any time, most characters living in anticipation of being harmed by him, and yet we still have no clear idea how he applies physical harm (including death), despite having valuable depictions of how subtly he can exert mental and emotional harm, or simply influence, on others (more on that in the following sections). That being said, despite Fyodor calling humans sinful and foolish and expressing his desire to “purify” them (ch46, Fyodor: “Man is sinful and foolish. Even if they know it is all an artifice, they cannot help but kill each other. Someone must purify them for those sins”), we never see him acting like he hates or is disgusted by humans, nor like he forcefully wants to change how they behave. The latter reminds us of the thin line between plain manipulation (a thing Fyodor does when necessary for his larger strategic moves, as he has done in ch47 with fake Pushkin and the children or in ch75 with Sigma) and exerting oppressive corrective behaviour upon others (a thing we never see Fyodor doing, as he never changes the people he interacts with, who they are and what they value; see sections B and C). In fact, his openness to human nature in general is highlighted, for instance, in his interactions with Nikolai and in the way he talks about Sigma (see section C). Opposite traits blend perfectly into Fyodor’s character in most subtle ways, as I intend to prove by the end of this essay, so let us continue gathering such examples on the way, across all sections.

Bestowing blessings. In the manga, Fyodor was shown using a very specific hand gesture when using his ability on Karma, thus openly depicted only in ch42 so far. The same gesture, prepared but changed into one of covering Mushitaro’s head with its palm, appeared in ch56 in a hallucination, when Mushitaro was forced into a corner by Ranpo’s blackmailing, which for Mushitaro triggered images of Fyodor (more on this below). To me, this peculiar hand gesture is like a mixture of different acts I witnessed or experienced in religious contexts (to clarify my background, I’m slavic, Orthodox, and Eastern European, no “expert” in religions but fascinated by sacred rituals), and by this I mean specifically acts of blessing and chrismation done by priests. 1) Blessing marks bestowing holiness or invoking the divine will and protection upon a person (but also places, objects etc.), and is done in several ways: when one-handed and by a (consecrated) priest, using the right hand, with the finger positions spelling out the letters “IC XC” (for Ἰησοῦς Χριστός, Jesus Christ in Greek), the same sign being done with both hands when the gesture is two-handed; when one-handed and by a secular (also done between regular people occasionally), making the sign of the cross over someone or something using the thumb and index + middle finger stretched outwards, similar to the finger positions when making the sign of the cross on oneself. Fyodor’s hand position is most similar to the latter in this case, albeit with a sinister twist: Fyodor seems to use his left hand for the gesture. A different gesture for blessing, in this specific meaning mostly starting with the New Testament, is putting one’s hands over someone. There, this gesture is closely linked to the miraculous healings bestowed by Christ (as in Luke, 13, 13), and, after His ascension, keeping its relation to healing and bestowing the Holy Spirit, to the duty quite literally left in the hands of the apostles (as in Acts, 8, 17). 2) Chrismation is a Christian sacrament, where, in short, the priest anoints another person with the holy chrism, a ritualic ointment, while making the sign of the cross over specific body parts, each being a symbol of something, starting with the forehead (where the blessing of the mind is bestowed). Chrism itself, a common element in Mediterrean and Middle-East religious practices since ancient times, gained a particularly important role in Christianity, being used very often, in both baptismal and funeral rites, as well as sacraments (chrismation and acts of consecration). It symbolizes divine benediction, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but also bestowing power and glory (in the context of coronations or such). Each time the author of the benediction is considered to be the divinity, whereas the one who applies the chrism on the other is a mediator between the earthly and the holy. Notably, this use in baptisms and funerals marks an associations with beginnings and endings, life and death. To me, Fyodor’s hand gesture when using his ability, particularly the gentle touch of another’s forehead, always looked similar to the act of anointing someone with chrism (though it is not usually done directly with the fingers, but with a little brush or one half of the ointment’s recipient), and in line with his canon dialogues, we could say what he bestows is “the great silence”, “the salvation of death”, which can turn into the blessing of a meaningful, peaceful death, bone-chilling nonetheless, such as in Karma’s case (ch42, see section B where I expand upon this). This gesture links Fyodor’s character to the image of a mediator, the role of “the right hand of God”, carrying out a mission that can be regarded as holy (based on Fyodor’s use of religious vocabulary), although we still lack canon material to fully establish whether that is only a trait of his way of speech or indeed a hint for his motives’ origins (see section F).

Threat and manipulation, relative examples. Later, in ch56, Ranpo hit Mushitaro’s most profound, personal weakspot by adopting Fyodor’s type of manipulation, in the form of a one-time bargain with emotional pressure, an offer he could not refuse (Ranpo would have releaved a truth Mushitaro did not want to make public if Mushitaro did not accept Ranpo’s terms; see also @looking-for-stray-dogs ’s post here). However, given that we already saw Fyodor offering Mushitaro a deal in ch55, there is a noticeable difference between Fyodor’s and Ranpo’s deal here, which, in my opinion, shows that Ranpo cannot immitate Fyodor completely (or refuses to) while he also imagines him as a much worse person than Fyodor can be deduced to be, in fact, strictly based on his interaction with Mushitaro. In ch55, it is shown that Fyodor simply offered to free Mushitaro from the basement he was locked in, in exchange for Mushitaro using his ability serving Fyodor’s Mutual Destruction plan once. This deal was fulfilled and their interactions ceased. I would call this a case of pragmatic manipulation, because Fyodor did not profit of Mushitaro’s feelings or past, he only offered freedom from Mushitaro’s cell. By contrast, Ranpo, assuming Fyodor works only (and especially) with emotional manipulation, simply blackmailed Mushitaro into turning himself in. Of course, Fyodor is capable of emotional manipulation (as in Sigma’s and Nikolai’s cases, see section B, but also section H below), but he can also manipulate others not even bringing their emotions into the discussion (as in Mushitaro’s case). By limiting his assumptions to emotional manipulation, Ranpo may be walking down a dangerous path, disregarding the full spectre of Fyodor’s methods. Assuming Fyodor is “the worst person possible” by default could also prove to be a wrong approach, as it is easier and convenient to conclude on that for others, but assumes too much about Fyodor and adds a rigid label on him, one that Fyodor can exploit later. In fact, we saw he already did once, by giving the worst relationship advice on purpose in ch64, in Meursault, when Dazai asked for said advice within Fyodor’s “All-smiles Problem-solving Roooooundtable” (and yet, this, together with Dazai’s lines, were shaped that way for the purpose of establishing the terms of their secret code, as I shall argue below, in section C). Meursault guards are portrayed monitoring Fyodor and Dazai, whom they consider “demons” of crime, expecting them to be exactly the worst souless manipulator and the worst flirtacious lunatic respectively. I would like to thank Eliott @stories-from-saint-petersburg for discussing this scene with me in-depth and putting this aspect of it into very fitting words I shall copy below. Besides the ideas presented here, see also section C for this brilliant scene’s actual meaning, according to what I could deduce further.

Eliott: “But also, they know they are filmed and that people are listening to them. So it would make sense to give answers that are more far from their characters, to confuse or not to give too much info to their jailors. Just like they switch to code when speaking about more serious things. That’d make sense in a strategy where you have to deceive your opponent, the opponent being Meursault. If they both give shit answers (and the answers that are expected from them), then the way they make up their plans will be still more difficult to find out by the prison.”

There is more to be inspected in Mushitaro’s ch56 hallucination of Fyodor covering his head with his palm. For this, I shall leave a different discussion I had with Eliott below:

Lav: “One difference is that Karma (ch42) actually experiences that touch. He sees Fedya's hand, he feels the touch of his fingers. It happened as an event in his life. In comparison, Mushi (ch56) sees this image when Ranpo blackmails him into turning himself in, as Ranpo makes a speech about using the methods of a demon to reach his goal (debatable, I will expand on this when the time is right). Apparently, Ranpo's speech triggers an emotional reaction in Mushi, who then imagines Fedya reaching towards him, making the same gesture he did to Karma, and the panels are white, while the end of this vision (Fedya placing his whole hand over Mushi's head) is in black.” Eliott: “Can’t it simply show the effect Fedya had on Mushi? A feeling of being oppressed and trapped, or something akin to control from a mind that’s greater than his? To me it looks like an allegory of manipulation, but not especially like an ability or something akin to it.” Eliott: “If Mushi saw Fedya use his ability, then he knows his touch means death. Anyway, he knows Fedya is dangerous. Touching someone’s head is a common symbol for either intimacy, fondness or manipulation. Mushi probably knows he can end up killed, and this is a fear that can explain this imagery, and even the manipulation he’s subjected to. The fear of dying is a good motivation for someone. Furthermore, he is still traumatized by the death of his dear friend, so it’d make sense this is very impactful for him, either death or being near / in danger of it? Also, Fedya here looks like how his friend is depicted graphically.” Eliott: “<So,> he doesn’t have to <have experienced this physically before>! Imagining someone threatening touch you is frightening, even if you don’t know they can kill you with one touch. And when speaking of being trapped / manipulated, it’s quite logical to imagine the person that has you trapped touching you, it’s an oppressive image either way.” Lav: “True. (…) One detail that supports this <that Mushi only hallucinated without previously witnessing Fedya’s gesture> is how in Karma’s case Fedya stretched out two fingers (index and middle) to his forehead, much like in a blessing gesture, while Mushi imagines a hand with all fingers fully extended towards his forehead. Also the death touch to Mushi is done with the right hand, while for Karma it’s the left hand??” Eliott: “I still don’t understand that gkflg, I’m wondering if the artist just forgot to draw one right hand ahah”.

Important unexplained details. Everyone’s ability in Dead Apple has an ability gem located on their forehead except: Atsushi’s tiger (nape), Akutagawa’s Rashomon (inside its chest), arguably Dazai’s No Longer Human (inside his chest), and most importantly here Fyodor’s Crime and Punishment (the back of his right hand). Another note, out of all the abilities, only Mori’s Elise, Fukuzawa’s All Men Are Equal and Fyodor’s Crime and Punishment are able to talk or heard talking. One detail unique to Fyodor’s ability and Mori’s ability, though, is that they each have real eyes with irises and pupils, as if they are human, and not just an ability with empty, glowing yellow eyes like in all the other cases, except Atsushi’s tiger. One could surely speculate on why exactly Crime and Punishment has its ability gem placed on its hand, but I want to move on to other topics in this essay. Lastly, on Fyodor’s motto, “Let the hand of God guide you”, see section G.

B. He understands human nature deeply, if not perfectly

Contrary to the popular opinion that Fyodor does not have an ounce of humanity in him or that he cannot understand nor feel human emotions, the canon presents evidence that Fyodor understands other humans and their emotions profoundly. Let us keep in mind the definition of empathy (“the ability to understand other people’s feelings and problems”), as well as the fact that there are different types of empathy, such as affective empathy or cognitive empathy (the latter applying to Fyodor the best). Instead of speculating that Fyodor completely lacks empathy (a lack psychopaths share, and Fyodor’s case proves to be much too complex to simply throw into that spectrum and call it a day; see @tecchous-thicc-buttocks​​ ’s post here, where OP not only has a great post, but also a smashing username AND a superb N.V. Gogol reference in their blog description to laugh your heart out to), I invite you to explore exactly the opposite, namely the idea that he has capacity for perfect empathy and uses it instrumentally to make it suitable for his plans. The canon material showed us many situations that support this (too), as we shall see below.

Fyodor “connects” with others mentally, emotionally and / or spiritually in such an accurate way, that this skill of his is portrayed as bone-chillingly sinister, in scenarios holding starkly contrasting ideas. It is not just about analytically deducing what a person would do next or what would objectively motivate that person, Fyodor knows the depths of people’s hearts, as can be seen in his discussions with Karma, Shibusawa, Nikolai, and the way Fyodor talks about Sigma. I shall present each case in detail in what follows, made into a list of people whose problems Fyodor saw through and responded to adequately.

Karma’s problem was of intellectual nature: to die a slave or a free man, and how those are mutually-exclusive conditions, in regard to which Karma recognized himself trapped in the first condition (slave), but was later “transported” into the second condition (free man) by the circumtances and type of death Fyodor “granted” him. Frequently rationalizing each situation in his inner monologues, pondering each factor and possible outcome analytically and in admirable control of his emotions (as seen throughout the entire ch42), Karma explored, so to say, the “syllogisms” behind what was happening to him too: I want to be saved + I am a bad person + saviours do not save bad persons => I will never be saved; OR I am a bad person + I am not a free person + a saviour can free me by saving me + saviours do not save bad persons => I will never be a free person. Even if the concepts belong to morality discourse, Karma’s approach is straightforward and logical, therefore there is no scene of him begging Fyodor for help, freedom or vengeance, as well as no scene of him even running away from Fyodor: despite being frightened, he was able to withstand his irrational reaction and sought knowledge and clarifications through conversation even in the face of the Demon. Karma was a person who rationalized and accepted his personal condition, and he was all the more shocked that this “slave” condition was dissolved by the events caused by Fyodor. Although Karma had to be killed so that no trace was left by Fyodor, what deserves attention is, on one hand, the fulfillment on Karma’s dying face (dying as a free man), and, on the other hand, how Fyodor gave him privacy when he gave his last breath, as Fyodor is portrayed looking directly at Karma only after he passed away. The fact that Fyodor is portrayed as looking at Karma’s lifeless body afterwards at all can be interpreted as Fyodor contemplating Karma’s end, especially given how in ch42 all background elements vanish in this particular panel, deepening the solemnity of the moment (as @linkspooky​ noted too, together with Fyodor’s understanding and acknowledgement of Karma as a person, worthy of sharing knowledge with, here). And yet the anime (S3ep4) did not insist on this manga panel at all, skipping it entirely. The prayer that Fyodor offered for Karma at the end (“May your soul find salvation… released from the yoke of sin”), while facing him (unlike in the anime, where Fyodor does not look at Karma at all) was the conclusion of Fyodor’s solemn meditation, and I find it a shame that the anime did not linger on this aspect. This scene blends a merciful death with a necessary crime, such contrasts being typical to Fyodor’s character. This prayer for Karma may in fact not be the only one Fyodor offered to those he led to their death by necessity: indeed, Fyodor’s cello recital in front of a captured Katsura in ch47 may have served the same purpose. Given that Fyodor informed fake Pushkin about Atsushi and Kunikida’s arrival, via the telephone, in real-time, we can assume Fyodor knew exactly when the two Agency members clashed with the armed children and when the little girl triggered the detonation of her grenades. After replying to Katsura’s remark, meeting Katsura with the impenetrable grin typical to both him and Dazai, Fyodor recommenced playing with closed eyes and no smile (thus fully immersed), unlike in the anime (S3ep9), where Fyodor never stopped playing in order to talk with Katsura, yet him stopping to play the cello just for that is, in my opinion, very important, as I will try to show here. Fyodor’s cello recital ended with him offering a prayer, which at its end addressed specifically all children of the world (ch47, “Joy to the world… and blessings to all its children”). Therefore, the cello scene carries solemnity, thoughtfulness and emotion, contrasting with the violent sight of the dead children breaking Kunikida’s spirit, and in this light Fyodor’s recital (which Katsura himself did not understand the purpose of, as he was clueless about what was happening outside) becomes a musical prayer for the sacrificed souls. Once again, despite being terribly beautiful in animation and sound indeed, it is a pity the anime depicted this scene in a weirdly ecstatic and stereotypically evil way, giving Fyodor a demonic gaze and grin, as well as making Fyodor face Katsura while playing, despite Fyodor not being turned towards Katsura at all in the manga (ch47), given how he looked at Katsura over his right shoulder (Fyodor’s body position further supports the idea that the recital was not meant for Katsura). As a closing note here, the anime added a specific detail at the scene’s end, one I personally would consider mischaracterization: in the anime, Fyodor broke his cello after the recital, and yet this never happened in the manga, and now we can guess why (Fyodor prays for his innocent victims). See section H for more on Fyodor’s overall gentleness, as well as my previous post about the cello scene here.

Sigma’s problem is of emotional nature: for a man without a past, lacking life itself before he found himself “existing” directly as a young adult (I assume he is a young adult), he was most desperate to fulfill his most basic and primary emotional needs, i.e. having a safe place to call his “home” and belonging to people whom he can call “family”. These are exactly the things Fyodor offered to Sigma right from the start, as if anticipating his arrival in that state, but Fyodor also praised and described Sigma for Dazai (ch75) in a very positive, heartfelt way that also implies Fyodor’s admiration for Sigma, as well as acknowledges a certain superiority Sigma has, even compared to Fyodor and Dazai themselves. Depending on the true nature of Fyodor’s relation to Sigma, as well as Sigma’s true nature in itself, I assume this point here will change in nuance in the future, but in the present the canon tells Fyodor has read Sigma’s heart like an open book. I refrain from adding more to this paragraph until new chapters give me new ground for it.

Nikolai’s problem is of philosophical and spiritual nature: the very fact that Fyodor could understand Nikolai’s core problem, his central existential dilemma, not to mention how quickly Fyodor grasped it, is something that both elevated and destabilized Nikolai. Fyodor rightfully explained that Nikolai fights God “in order to lose sight of himself” (ch78), which, theologically-speaking, is very much accurate from a Christian perspective: a human’s highest and final goal is to “see God”, to return to where man was exiled from (heaven, the Fatherland or patria in Latin, the future heavenly Jerusalem etc.) and, once there, to contemplate God eternally, finally reunited with their Creator and seeing “face to face” (see 1 Corinthians 13:12). That is, because there is where man’s real nature lies, where it came from and belongs to, but also man being created in the image and likeness of God (see Genesis 1:26), together with a Platonic and Neoplatonic philosophical legacy, led to a tradition of interpretations (part of our overall cultural heritage) where man’s divine part (or God himself) resides deep within the human soul: therefore, introspection or contemplating one’s own self holds incredible importance. Nikolai fighting God “in order to lose sight of himself” is a very well-chosen line for Fyodor and a great way of presenting (a glimpse of) the depth of Nikolai’s soul to the readers, one that opens many possible interpretations, not just the one offered above. Nonetheless, Fyodor’s response is particularly disturbing, because he calmly stated what frightens and enrages Nikolai the most: the fact that the sight of God is, in the end, the sight of himself, his true self, and “fighting against God” inevitably becomes “fighting against himself” too. So what is left when Nikolai fights against this truth? What is left must be what is unique to Nikolai as a being, if there is anything like that at all. So far in the manga, it seems Nikolai struggles desperately with the concept of the “omniscient God”, who possesses knowledge of past, present and future as well, which opens the particular Pandora’s box of “predetermination vs human free will”, a monstruous philosophical problem as old as time (or at least heavily discussed ever since Ancient Greek philosophy and Early Christianity too). One must note that, by answering like this, Fyodor essentially denied Nikolai the success of his mission, but granted him the rare gift or rare curse of being fully understood by someone else. One truth too much, the resulting emotional impact on Nikolai was disastruous, as Nikolai appears to be a person of high sensitivity, very susceptible to the power of words and how they plant ideas in his mind. Even if Fyodor’s response is not malicious in words (see, however, section H, about the meaning of the tilt of his head and how this scene is an example of intentional emotional manipulation), this interaction was profoundly unhealthy and destabilizing for Nikolai, which I would argue is well in the spirit of N.V. Gogol’s characters, having their spirits frequently broken by the most mundane things which nonetheless go beyond what they are capable to live with (read The Overcoat, Nevsky Prospekt first half, even Diary of a Madman).

Shibusawa’s problem was of personal nature, linked to his past: not only the Mayoi cards, but also the entirety of the Dead Apple movie make it clear that Shibusawa and Fyodor were long-time acquaintances before the fog incident in Yokohama happened. The most objective proof on this are Shibusawa’s words themselves, when telling Fyodor (in the Draconia room, in Dazai’s presence) that it was thanks to Fyodor selling information to Shibusawa that the fog incidents could happen, and in Yokohama too at such an impresive scale. Since Shibusawa told Dazai he did not find “having friends” necessary (since everyone was like a open book to him), I will refrain from calling the personal relationship between Fyodor and Shibusawa “friendship”. Now then, later on, despite being surprised by the ability-gathering Dragon event triggering after he approached Dazai’s “ability gem”, Shibusawa was not angry nor shocked when Fyodor cut his throat: Shibusawa immediately realized he found his most important personal memory as a consequence of Fyodor killing him or, rather, Fyodor “granting” him death once again. Here, too, two contrasting images combine: 1) Fyodor offering “death” as a “gift” or “blessing” that gives Shibusawa exactly what he needed most, and 2) Fyodor essentially killing his old acquaintance, but with the twist that Fyodor was aware Shibusawa would not die yet, quite the contrary – as a result of Fyodor putting a fragment of the crystal that gathers all abilities on the skull’s forehead (as a “small gift”, as Fyodor called it), Shibusawa was revived and enjoyed one last “epic battle” and then died a truly fulfilled person. In fact, Dazai predicted this outcome in the very first scene with the three of them at the table in Dead Apple, telling Shibusawa he is the one in need of “salvation”: Shibusawa then asked Dazai “And exactly who do you propose could save me?”, to which Dazai answered “Who knows? An angel, perhaps? Or, maybe, a demon” (then Fyodor enters the scene; note that I cite the dub version and that, at the end of Shibusawa’s and Atsushi’s battle, Shibusawa’s last words to Atsushi were “(…) The meaning of that man’s <Fyodor’s> words. I understand all of it now. It’s you! You must be the angel who has come to save me”). Anyway, the movie leaves several interesting questions unaswered: could Fyodor have granted death to Shibusawa, and therefore give him his most important memory back, at any time, or was the whole Yokohama setting necessary? If the latter, was it necessary for Shibusawa or necessary for Fyodor, and Fyodor acted only when their distinct goals aligned? In any case, allow me to expose something very intriguing in the next lines. After Fyodor granted Shibusawa death by cutting his throat in a single swift knife attack, the moment Shibusawa’s memory of his first death returned overlapped with the moment Atsushi’s memory of the same event returned to him as well. In the flashback, Shibusawa stated that he conducted those ability extraction experiments on Atsushi – specifically, Shibusawa pressed the switch – because “a Russian man” told him Atsushi’s “power was coveted by every gifted in the world”. Later, Shibusawa added “the Russian’s name was Fyodor”. This makes all events align in such a way that one could speculate Fyodor was leading Shibusawa and everyone involved with him (Ango and the government) down that precise path we see reach its end in the Dead Apple movie. This makes Fyodor’s words from ch42 all the more relevant: “People can be so simple… They truly believe they are thinking for themselves. (…) They don’t want to think they’re being led by the nose”; or, in S3ep4’s dub: “People are eager to believe that they are acting with free will, that they know best. (…) We all loathe to believe we can be controlled”. One last thing to note and analyse here: as Fyodor walked away alone on the hallway and the Dragon got unleashed, he had a “conversation” with Shibusawa’s skull:

Fyodor (sub): “I’ll tell you an interesting fact, in celebration of you finding a friend in me.” Fyodor (dub): “In thanks of our newfound friendship, I’ll offer you a bite from the apple of knowledge.”

Fyodor and his ability then delivered their famous “I am crime. I am punishment” dialogue. While there are significant wording differences between the versions cited above, how Fyodor referred to “friendship” here is mocking and ironic, so the nature of the bond between him and Shibusawa (beyond that of “informant and information buyer”) remains debatable. It is beautiful how the dub version of the line offers a splendid example of godly and demonic imagery blending in the character of Fyodor. In a Christian cultural context, two precise ideas come to mind simultaneously when hearing Fyodor’s line: 1) it was God who created everything, including the first humans (Adam, then Eve) in Eden, amongst all the fruit-bearing trees, giving them rules as to what they could consume or not (the power and authority “to offer” something rightfully was God’s, being the one to give and take away, to reference  Job, 1, 21), but also 2) it was the Devil who “offered” Eve such a bite, tempting her through suggesting she should eat from the forbidden fruits of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (the infamous “suggestion” was the Devil’s, making a forbidden “offer” that was actually a transgression). It is unclear to which of these two ideas Fyodor is closer, and it may as well be possible he is equally close to both, further encompasing contradicting traits. Nonetheless, given that Karma himself introduced the yet unresolved theme of “transcending human nature” and “transcending good and evil” in relation to Fyodor’s character (ch42, Karma: “Ace was evil, but this guy isn’t even that. He’s some kind of nirvana. Something that transcends mankind itself…”), this particular line from Dead Apple supports Karma’s observations and how Fyodor’s character combines the ideas of creator and destroyer, like @looking-for-stray-dogs put into beautiful words here. This only becomes more interesting when we consider the archetype or role of the “servant of God”, which Fyodor consciously claims to fulfill (see section F below).

Kunikida: Yes, you read that correctly. While Ivan and Nathaniel are, as of now, total wildcards and I do not have enough information as to objectively describe their situation or how Fyodor won them over or “read their souls”, Kunikida’s case is the perfect example of Fyodor’s understanding of a person being so deep and accurate that he knew exactly what actions would cause them to break and render them useless for a significant period of time. Moreover, Kunikida’s case becomes even more intriguing if we remember that Fyodor successfully read his nature without even meeting him. Well, that would be the introduction to this minisection about Kunikida, but frankly I did not have enough time nor energy to dig deeper into this as of now. Perhaps in the future I will update this part with information and links to several great analysis posts I am sure Kunikida fans wrote out already, with their whole heart in them.

These examples share the fact that Fyodor accurately reads the intellectual (Karma), emotional (Sigma), philosophical and spiritual (Nikolai) layers of the human heart, as well as is capable of perfectly adapting to one’s personal baggage on the long term (Shibusawa). This means he posseses an extraordinary capacity for empathy, but, as he never loses his composure (except for small instances of surprise or adrenaline rush, like in ch46 and ch53), his willpower controls every single gesture and reaction he makes, which makes him a terrifying foe who has complete control over himself, never overreacts and thus seems soulless (ch42). His understanding of human nature fiels his skill to deduce future actions and thoughts of other people, which in turn may deepen Fyodor’s individualism or trigger his eventual alienation (paired with perceiving humans as “boring” because they are predictable, to which Dazai disagreed in ch77, albeit it must be noted that this is only an assumption Dazai made about Fyodor, that is not entirely supported by the canon dialogues; see section E), as well as encourage Fyodor to use others as predictable (and therefore reliable) pawns in his plans. Again, Fyodor’s character combines two very contrasting yet interdependent things in his strategies: acknowledging others as humans (with individual problems) firstly, and using them as instruments when necessary, on that basis (as Fyodor becomes their problem-solver). This shows both how versatile and accepting Fyodor is as a thinker and leader (see also section C). Theoretically speaking, could Fyodor use Dazai as a pawn, if Dazai is completely alien from being human? But that would open another massive collective essay on what is going on inside Dazai’s soul and mind, as the fandom so often and so admirably tried to figure out already. Personally, I am a firm believer in Dazai’s humanity, and if Fyodor can indeed understand it all the way to its core, then one may wonder if Dazai’s humanity will be his downfall.

C. He values independence and (most probably) his co-workers

Continuing on the previous paragraph’s line of thought, here’s the catch: it is important to keep in mind that Fyodor nevertheless seems to treat certain “pawns” differently, perhaps considering them closer to him in some regard. People Fyodor refers to as “his staff” (and, in ch64, the faces of Ivan and Pushkin appear as examples) may be a matter of genuine concern to him, enough so that Fyodor asks Dazai how to make his subordinates less dependent on Fyodor: “My staff show no independence. All they do is wait for orders. How can I make them into good workers who take the initiative?” (ch64). To me, this question, even just as a light-hearted example for the sake of their shared prison mindgames, is plain shocking coming from someone always thought of as using people like tools and discarding them like broken puppets. As a first thought, to my stupefaction, Fyodor really took into consideration the independence of even his lower-ranking “pawns” as something worthy of a question, and valuable enough as to lament its lack. However, on later inspection I came to understand that Fyodor’s entire “roooooundtable” session from ch64 is in fact more like an icosahedron with razor-sharp edges (I mean, complex and slick), and can be taken both or either literally (like in this section I took Fyodor’s words literally) or figuratively, assuming Fyodor and Dazai’s answers as being each a substitution for something else entirely. Until I reach that point further down this section, there are more examples that refer to Fyodor’s perception of his co-workers (note: for the manga, my points of reference are the official English translations):

1) in Dead Apple, Fyodor celebrated what he called the “newfound friendship” between him and Shibusawa in Dead Apple, thus calling Shibusawa a “friend”, which is further supported if we take into consideration certain BSD Mayoi card descriptions (“Dragon Head Feud” card description, or “Bundled up” card quote: “Oh my, it seems that Dazai-kun and Nakajima Atsushi-kun have managed to evade us today. Well, if Shibusawa-kun is happy, then I'm happy. I'm his friend, after all.”); however, if put back in the larger context, the benevolent character of this statement is debatable (see section B);

2) in ch42, Fyodor told Ace “My friends have taken over the outside corridors”, thus directly referring to his Rats in the House of the Dead as “friends”, even if the fact itself was a lie to pressure Ace towards his suicide;

3) in ch95.5, silently agreed to considering Nikolai a friend when Dazai complimented Nikolai’s prison game idea. There are two instances where Dazai mocked Fyodor about having a nice friend in Nikolai, both of them in this chapter, and only in the second one Fyodor played along, agreeing to Dazai’s claim, but one has to bear in mind that the two could have been mocking each other in both instances:

Nikolai, ch95.5 (fan translation): “The wish to save my friend is indeed very difficult to falter. That’s why I need to shatter this determination, such to prove the free will of homo sapiens!” Dazai: “Seems like… you have a nice friend…” Fyodor: “…” – Nikolai (after a few lines): “From now on, you two will be participating in a jail break duel!” Dazai: “You indeed have a very good friend.” Fyodor: “I know, right?”

Leaving the debate open as to whether Fyodor is genuine when using the term “friend” overall (see also bsd-bibliophile’s post here, further inspecting Fyodor and Nikolai’s interactions, as well as mentioning one instance of the term “friend”, used by Fyodor for Pushkin, being present in the fan translation, but not in the original Japanese text per se), all this information nonetheless supports the fact that Fyodor himself may not be oppressive towards others, and that his methods rather rely on communication, negotiation and manipulation. Indeed, strangely enough, for example when approaching someone new with the intent to work with them, Fyodor’s ways are all “clean talk”: no torture, no physical abuse, no threats, no intimidation or humiliation, no blood as of now (on the possibility of brainwashing, see section D below). Instead, Fyodor becomes the ideal smooth-talker and deal-maker when first recruiting others, perfectly reading into their soul and appealing to their most intimate desires (see section B above, as well as @gold-pavilion​​ / akai-koutei ’s post here /oldhere, and there was a beautiful addition by @/goddessesofeverything here, but all reblogs of the original post were deleted and I cry). When approaching a clear target, however, there can be freshly spilt blood, for example 1) Mori getting stabbed (ch46), 2) Katai getting shot (ch49), and 3) Shibusawa getting his throat cut open (Dead Apple), in each case the action being done directly by Fyodor (firing the gun or holding the respective knives with his own hands). Lastly, if we take into consideration how Fyodor played along with Nikolai’s puns in vol.14’s omake, and how highly and affectionately he spoke about Sigma in ch74 and ch75, Fyodor’s actual dynamics with his subordinates or fellow Decay of the Angel members could potentially surprise the reader in future updates, because his polite and discreet nature do not seem to be a mere façade.

Another point needs to be addressed here, and it is whether or not we can safely use the word “care” to sum up Fyodor’s relationship towards his close co-workers (thank you, Sel @oddeyesight​​, for your questions that led me towards considering this aspect in more detail). First of all, one needs to acknowledge there are persons Fyodor worked with and then disposed of in the most indubitable way, like the mafioso he forced information from in ch51, indirectly all children in ch47 and directly the little girl with the grenades, whom he talked to via telephone prior to the events. Secondly, compared to them, there are characters that are closer to Fyodor, which Fyodor refers to as “friends” (so far, this applies to Pushkin, Ivan, Nathaniel, and indirectly consenting to calling Nikolai a friend; see the paragraph above). Looking at definitions of the noun “care” – “the process of looking after someone” and “the process of doing things to keep something in good condition and working correctly” (Longman dictionary) – the first definition I give as an example here can imply affection, whereas the second definition does not, and refers to an impartial instrumental approach. So far, from what I gathered, there is no canon basis to claim Fyodor cares about someone else in the first definition’s sense, only in the second. Until future manga chapters may or may not change this, I propose looking at Fyodor from another viewpoint: in relation to the antonym of “care” (neglect), and a closely-related noun, indifference. For this task I propose starting with the following scene from ch74, when Dazai deduced the Sky Casino’s origin and purpose:

Dazai: “It was made for two goals. As a base for the next terror attack and as “payment” for the use of Sigma’s skill. …Never waste a thing, do you?” Fyodor: “Our boss does hate to be wasteful.”

By saying “Never waste a thing, do you?”, Dazai implied that Fyodor executed all the steps he deduced, yet Fyodor shaked this claim off, directing Dazai’s remark toward someone Fyodor called “our boss”. We, as readers, naturally think of Fukuchi, who is the leader of the Decay of the Angel in title, but I dare say the entire fandom does not buy this, as in everything else Fyodor still acts like the puppeteer determining the actions of all the group’s members, whether they know it (Nikolai and Sigma) or not (Fukuchi probably and Bram). Fyodor humbling himself and downplaying his importance is a recurring behaviour of his, in varying depictions such as in ch46 (Fyodor to Dazai: “I will not be the one who will bring down your two groups. It will be you yourselves”), in ch73’s cover artwork of Sigma holding cards (where Fyodor is not an Ace, not even a King, he is but a Jack of Spades), in ch77 (Fyodor to Dazai: “Me? I didn’t do anything. I just sat here and prayed… and those prayers were answered”; see section F for more). This aside, hiding the identity of Fyodor’s “boss” had at least two purposes: 1) keeping Fukuchi’s double identity hidden (both the Hunting Dogs leader and the Decay of the Angel leader) and 2) redirecting not only Dazai’s, but our attention too. Since Fyodor and Dazai imagine their actions as if within a mental game of chess, let us reconsider the fates of Fyodor’s pieces so far, which include both the Decay of the Angel members and the Rats in the House of the Dead:

1) Pushkin was apparently captured and eliminated from the “chess game” (lost piece, used and then captured by the enemy in ch53), and yet he is alive and well, even shamelessly spilling information to Ranpo to save his own skin, while being interrogated (ch54), providing him with the lead on Mushitaro. Despite leaking information, so far nobody was sent to “clean” Pushkin off the table (as in Mushitaro’s case, whom Nikolai said he was assigned to kill off at the end of ch56). Pushkin leaking information may be intentional as part of Fyodor’s plans, which means Pushkin’s role likely did not meet its end yet.

2) Ivan was apparently captured and eliminated from the “chess game” (lost piece, used and then captured by the enemy in ch53), and yet Ivan survived and is probably held somewhere alive; also, Ivan’s loyalty and “happiness” never wavered, not even when in Rashomon’s tight grip (ch53), which means his trust in Fyodor remained unchanged and he did not abandon his role of Fyodor’s servant and “head chamberlain” (ch52).

3) Mushitaro was, most probably, really supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: died in an exploding car after Nikolai’s surprise attack in ch56), yet he is still alive, last seen (iirc) safe in Poe’s mansion in ch78.5 (vol.18 bonus chapter at the end). Since Fyodor sent Nikolai to dispose of Mushitaro, it is rather clear Fyodor was not indifferent to Mushitaro staying alive, and now this is a loose end, one where Mushitaro survived and we do not know if this scenario has already been integrated in one of Fyodor’s larger schemes or if it will serve against Fyodor somehow later.

4) Nikolai was apparently supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: sawed in half in ch58), and yet he is very much alive and already influenced the current events of the manga drastically. Furthermore, in ch95.5, when Nikolai started explaining his prison game, Fyodor replied “So that’s what you’re planning”, as if the two already agreed upon Nikolai doing “something”, and apparently that “something” remained a surprise to Fyodor, hence his reply was phrased as a conclusion. Note how Nikolai’s action remaining a surprise reinforce Nikolai’s freedom and agency, and Fyodor allowed this and played along, despite how accurate to his character it would be to have deduced Nikolai’s possible actions already. Then again, it could be that Fyodor knew that Nikolai had to hear precisely that kind of reaction, in order to continue playing a role Fyodor secretly predicted for him. Later, in ch98, after Nikolai’s prison game started, when Fyodor was waiting for Chuuya to arrive, Nikolai asked him “It’s been five minutes since the game started. You aren’t gonna move? Can I take that to assume… your pieces are already moving?”. If Nikolai’s prison game is an independent consequence of him independently choosing not to die, then why would Nikolai smile as if in agreement with Fyodor, supposing that everything went as planned? The problem of free will remains unresolved and tightly knit into Nikolai’s character even in the current events.

5) Sigma was apparently supposed to die (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: shot by Nathaniel in ch76), and just like Nikolai he is very much alive and playing a crucial role still unknown to us (in a conversation with Alex @vampireonastick​​ I suggested that Sigma being on Dazai’s side of the prison game might be a well-disguised infiltration strategy already planned out by Fyodor, with whom Nikolai cooperates on this, despite Nikolai’s “sidequest” to kill Fyodor); we have an important hint as to how Sigma’s death was never required by Fyodor’s plan: the “roooooundtable” from ch64. It is indeed highly probable that the entire “all-smiles problem-solving rooooundtable” session proposed and moderated by Fyodor was his masked suggestion (masked from the guards!) of creating a unique substitution code that only he and Dazai would be able to communicate in, as @fantastic-rambles analysed more in-depth here. And just like @mydearestt​​ noticed in this post here that, through his reply, Dazai in fact referred to his plan to make the Agency move, the same can be assumed in Fyodor’s case. To remember the dialogue, I shall copy the revelant part here below:

Dazai: “Me next. “I tried asking the café waitress out, but she won’t bend an inch. What should I do?” Fyodor: “Make her lose her job and home, trick her family into disowning her and she’s bound to come crawling to you.”

I propose reading this sequence as referring to Sigma entirely, because: 1) Sigma, much like a waitress, was contained and bound to his workplace, the casino, unwilling to leave once there, no matter who asked; 2) Fyodor set up the entire scenario of making Sigma lose his job AND home in the most literal sense by completely destabilizing the casino; 3) by doing unbecoming irreversible actions, Sigma secured his own family rejecting him, and all ties were cut with Sigma’s “death”, yet Sigma survived – equally destabilized, he ended up in a situation where, if Fyodor would have granted him another wish, Sigma would not have refused, naturally seeking the one person who may still have power to grant wishes as grand and Sigma’s, and that is still Fyodor, who both gave and took Sigma’s home. This being said, like Alex @vampireonastick​ theorized in their post here, I strongly believe Dazai strategically manipulates Sigma in the prison game, “shaping” him to defy Fyodor, the person he would otherwise “crawl back to”. However, since Fyodor chooses his words with utmost care all the time, no matter if truthful or deceiving, I personally doubt Fyodor would carelessly share his strategy (disguised as the grimest relationship advice) without it already being implemented into a larger scheme, in which Dazai acts upon the words he hears from Fyodor (and Dazai already did so twice in this arc, firstly by choosing Sigma, secondly by “building up” Sigma for his eventual refusal of Fyodor). What Dazai perhaps does not expect is the fact that Fyodor himself already talked to Sigma in ways that reinforce Sigma’s agency: for example, in ch73, Fyodor directly told Sigma that, should the Hunting Dogs attack the casino, Sigma should run as he would have no chance of winning; Sigma, on the contrary, remembering Fyodor’s words – not once, but twice in the chapter –, was pushed only more vehemently to defending his casino, thus acting on his own and defying Fyodor already, a reaction Fyodor most likely anticipated when making Sigma hear his “advice as a co-worker” (in Fyodor’s own words, ch73). In the end, regardless of the content of Fyodor’s words, it seems his kidnapper from ch42 offered honest advice to Karma: “Watch out… If you talk to him, he’ll pluck your mind out”. Despite how there is no proof of an actual “plucking of the mind” action yet (see section D), Fyodor’s words (often, if not always) twist the minds of those around him in a way that, paradoxically, both acknowledges and denies them their free will, encouraging decisions that seem free to the agent, but are already predicted and known to Fyodor (and in this, I must admit, Fyodor bears a resemblance to an omniscient god; however, his canon dialogues often convey a different role, a tension I discus in section F). In this light, I wonder if Dazai had this behaviour before too and acted upon words he heard from Fyodor in previous instances, such as the Mutual Destruction arc.

6) Nathaniel was apparently eliminated from the “chess game” entirely (sacrificed piece, used and then disposed of: captured in Anne’s room of no return in ch76), yet this does not imply he is dead, which begs the question if Anne’s room, the Agency’s only true safe space, is now compromised, as me and Alex wondered here (see also the reblogs and replies to their post).

One thing I want to remark here is that, despite how clear it is that Fyodor “moved” all these “chess pieces” already (only number 3 to 6 are relevant in this case), in ch76, right after Nathaniel got captured, as Atsushi and Lucy were celebrating their victory, Ango explained to them how the events at the casino were no victory, and how instead everything played as Fyodor has planned, claiming that Fyodor has not made any move yet:

Ango, ch76: “We lost because you let Sigma die. Now we have no leads to the Page. And… the Hunting Dogs saw us try to rescue him. In their eyes, that likely looked like the Detective Agency helping their terrorist allies. Our plan failed and we’ve only sowed more doubt. This is likely exactly as Dostoyevsky planned. Frankly… I can’t stop shaking. Until now, he moved none of his pawns and gave us no room to deal with him. (…)”

As I shall leave Ango analysis to Alex @vampireonastick​ like in this post here, I will return to the fact that so far the only true “chess piece” that Fyodor ever truly let die was Shibusawa. Then, to sum up, when his co-workers fulfilled their purpose and no use nor entertainment can be obtained from them anymore, Fyodor’s pattern seems to be leaving said co-workers with apparent indifference to their well-being, often abandoning them in a state or situation that is destructive to them (Shibusawa is the clearest example, but it applies to all other aforementioned characters as well). However, the twist is that none of these characters did reach the end of their assigned roles yet (and we may wonder if they will ever do that), given that Pushkin, Ivan, Nikolai, Sigma, Nathaniel and even Mushitaro are all alive and healthy. Consindering all this, the way BSD is narrated becomes even more interesting, because the reader would naturally project treating others as expendable on Fyodor, where in fact it is more accurate to Dazai’s character to act this way (and he did and does act that way, as @linkspooky​ pointed out in detail in their post here). Back to Fyodor’s “our boss does hate to be wasteful” line, while still just an interpretation, it would make sense that Fyodor refers to himself or his ability (if it’s a separate conscious being, see section G) as “our boss”, because all this information suggests that Fyodor himself hates to be wasteful, and that, excepting Shibusawa, Fyodor never wasted even a single pawn of his. That means Fyodor never neglects his co-workers (whom he calls friends!) and is never truly indifferent to them, albeit in an instrumental way, given that there is no proof yet that Fyodor’s care towards his co-workers is affectionate in nature. Let us close this section with a treat, though: in ch51 and ch53, there are two panels of a teacup with three teaspoons to its left. Differing greatly from the anime, albeit delivering the same subtle deception, these three teaspoons help in fooling the reader into thinking that Ivan poured tea in Fyodor’s cup, placed the teacup in front of him and then Fyodor consumed that tea, together with the jam that filled all three teaspoons at first (ch51). Given that 1) Ivan prepared the tea with three teaspoons of jam and 2) at the restaurant, Fyodor drank his tea exactly like that, with three teaspoons of jam, from this we can deduce Ivan is very familiar with Fyodor’s tea-drinking habits, which in turn leads us to the very likely idea that Fyodor and Ivan (if not also together with other members of the Rats in the House of the Dead) frequently had tea together, or Ivan prepared tea for Fyodor often enough to memorize his precise habits. The latter would support Ivan’s self-proclaimed status as Fyodor’s “head chamberlain” (ch52), suggesting that their group lived as family and / or nobility in the same house, if the definition of “chamberlain” is taken into consideration (Longman Dictionary: “chamberlain, an important official who managed the house of a king or queen in the past”).

D. No confirmation yet that he is brainwashing others and why this is relevant

Speaking of his methods of acquiring new collaborators, so far, it is most certain that Fyodor is not brainwashing people: not Fukuchi, not Nikolai, not Sigma, not Karma, not Pushkin, and certainly not the little girl with the grenades, even though the anime depicted the scene differently (in the manga’s ch47, a flashback appears where Fyodor talks to the little girl via telephone, thus he does not simply appear in her clouded mind like in the anime’s S3ep9).

But two characters Fyodor works with are in a very ambiguous position as of now: Ivan and Nathaniel. To begin with, Ivan’s case is very tricky at the moment. In ch53, he openly told Akutagawa that “my master cut out all the parts of his brain that feel unhappiness”. What can I say except our dear Vanya here is a lil’ crazy. I find his replies rather unreliable at the moment, because he is the only Fyodor-subordinate who is behaving like an intoxicated bacchant for now. While the ch53 quote is singular and, therefore, I cannot make anything of it, there is another thing that needs to be considered: in ch52, as he was walking away from Akutagawa and Atsushi, Ivan told them “I will not forget you. …No… You will now serve as part of my master’s joyful order”, but immediately after that he added “after 10 more steps, I will most likely forget your faces”. Apparent self-contradiction aside, whether he meant “forget your faces” literally or not, Nathaniel, too, went through an apparent mind-reset, as he did not recognize Akutagawa in ch46 and appears to have lost his entire personality except for his devotion to Margaret Mitchell and his determination to save her life. Now, mind-resetting and brainwashing are not the same, and removing a part of one’s brain or mind that is responsible for a specific emotion is, likewise, something entirely different. The manga did not give us further examples of similar things that Fyodor apparently had a role to play in, so I cannot present anything new here, only speculation. We also do not know if these effects are caused by Fyodor himself (without using his ability at all, much like he could simply talk Ace into his own suicide in ch42) or Fyodor’s ability specifically. This simply limits my current analysis of Fyodor’s methods to the beforementioned “communication, negotiation, manipulation” trio, which is not dependent nor related to his ability, and I will update these parts if the manga later reveals that Fyodor did indeed mold the conscience or minds of other people into whatever shape or state he desired. Until then, he is literally just a genius smooth-talker, and I refrain from making rash affirmations or going into more speculation here.

E. He loves and lives for entertainment

So many canon lines convey Fyodor’s love for entertainment. It is more specifically entertainment in a “good literature” sense, meaning conflict, tension, intensity of will and emotions, devotion, despair and generally human beings fighting for their needs or to solve their problems of many different, often opposing kinds. Let us take Fyodor’s own words as references. First of all, at the beginning of the Dead Apple movie, as younger Chuuya destroyes the entire building in which he and Dazai found Shibusawa the first time, Fyodor watched the scene from a safe distance, on top of a building. All he did was “absorb” the whole event with utter satisfaction, concluding the scene with his line “This is too much fun”. The motif is repeated several times in the Dead Apple movie, linking his own enjoyment of whatever chaos unfolds to “fun” and “entertainment”, so this line is not the sole evidence that entertainment is greatly valued by Fyodor, as it is the thing opposed to boredom, which constantly eats away at his and Dazai’s hearts because of their superhuman intellect. As Fyodor was getting the two most important ability gems ready for his and Dazai’s plan, Fyodor tells Dazai “Would you not agree that the more entertainment there is, the better?” (dub); moreover, at the end of the movie, his lines highlight the privileged spot of “entertainment” in his understanding of the world around him again:

Fyodor (sub): “Everything is but entertainment. But in order to end this world, rife with crime and punishment, I do need that book. The blank novel sleeping in this town.” Fyodor (dub):“Everything is just entertainment. However, this world is so rife with crime and punishment… In order to finally end it, I do need that novel. This special book that sleeps somewhere within this city.”

However, paying close attention to his words, we need to consider the possibility that in this instance Dead Apple either contradicts or deceives the watcher greatly, because in the manga Fyodor’s goal is clearly referring to “saving the world”, not “ending the world” (see also section G, near the end, for more on Fyodor’s possible motivation).

Now, in the manga (ch63), Fyodor stated that he openly refused to devise a perfect plan (as demanded by another Decay of the Angel member, possibly Fukuchi) because perfection is boring (Fyodor, ch63: “A Decay comrade asked me for the perfect plan… but perfect is so boring. I won’t be able to view the karma of humanity like this”). While at first glance one could be surprised by this statement, especially considering that “God prefers perfection and harmony”, in Fyodor’s own words from ch77 (see section G where I expand on this specifically), both lines (perfection is boring + God favours perfection) could potentially be extremely deceiving: since the Agency knows Fyodor is involved in crafting the Decay of the Angel’s plan, it is probably this implication that leads, for example, Kyouka in ch63 to tell Atsushi that their plan is “extensive and flawless”, and Atsushi’s inner monologue, as a response, appears together with a panel of a faceless Fyodor pulling strained strings in the darkness. If everyone expects Fyodor to be perfect and to create flawless strategies, an opponent like Dazai could include unpredictable, irrational or impulsive actions in his own strategies to outsmart him, as Dazai describes his appreciative acknowledgement of this behaviour he finds in other people (Dazai to Fyodor, ch77: “What’s driving the world are those in the storm of accidental events who scream, run and spill blood. Faced with their souls, you and I should be petrified with fear”; more on this specific dialogue in the next paragraph). But knowing this reaction would be triggered, Fyodor could always integrate imperfections in his plans, leaving his opponents with the impression that they act in the right way, on their free will, when in fact nothing they do has not been already considered by Fyodor (holding true to his lines from ch42). Personality-wise, the “perfection is boring” line becomes relevant if (and only if) Fyodor really, truly means it literally, and 1) does not say it just to tell what his opponent(s) (or the reader themselves) would want or expect to hear, without meaning it, or 2) does not say it as some kind of reverse-psychology, without personal attachment, to trigger predictable reactions in his opponent(s) (again, see section G for a continuation of this particular discussion). As a last example to support the idea of Fyodor loving entertainment, finding both fun and beauty in it, when a very shocked Dazai was asking Fyodor about the reason (“for what?”) for his stupefying strategic moves (the coin bombs, staging the casino as the battleground etc.), Fyodor only replied “Isn’t it more beautiful that way?”.

Now, ch77 presents us with a dialogue between Fyodor and Dazai which seems easy to understand at first, but becomes increasingly complex the more one dwells on it. To remember the full context clearly again, I shall sum it up and add the full relevant quote here: after Fyodor told Dazai that “God favours perfection and harmony”, after which it is confirmed that the Page was also used for changing all the world’s police and investigative agencies not to act upon evidence of someone framing the Agency, a parallel is shown with Tachihara who, inside his heart, decided to finally identify fully as part of the Port Mafia, exiting the inner state of being a Hunting Dog (military police force), thus existing the Page’s influence. Tachihara’s situation exemplifies what Dazai then explains to Fyodor:

Dazai, ch77: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Siding with God sure didn’t teach you much!” Fyodor: “…Let’s hear it.” Dazai: “‘Perfection and harmony’? To God, those amount to a hill of beans. I saw it many times. All HE offers is happenstance and absurdity. A weakness… shared by the two of us… For all our ingenious plans, in the end we’ve wound up here, in a deep-level prison. What’s driving the world are those in the storm of accidental events who scream, run and spill blood. Faced with their souls, you and I should be petrified with fear. (after POV change to Tachihara) You’re right. People are sinful and foolish. But… they aren’t as boring as you think they are.”

In Dazai’s dialogue, I put in bold two quotes that need to be inspected. The first one refers to Dazai pointing out a weakness the two geniuses share, which refers to the primacy of the accidental in reality, as opposed to the predictability both Fyodor and Dazai operate with in all their plans, which can make the world seem trapped in an inescapable causality rationally-accesible to those with an intellect such as theirs. Dazai “bets” against Fyodor on this cruel primacy of “happenstance and absurdity”, where reason fails to follow the exact consequences of each event or human action, and yet the nuances and risks of this “bet” I already exposed in the paragraph above. In this context, Dazai seems indeed to talk about this weakness in an admirative, even hopeful tone, despite the fact that he shares it; for a brilliant exposition on Dazai (both the author and his BSD counterpart) in relation to sin and weakness, I wholeheartedly recommend reading Kat’s (@pompompurin1028​​) essay here. When Dazai stated this, a flashback to Odasaku’s fight with André Gide is shown, which can be interpreted as that one time Dazai’s predictions held true, yet still Odasaku chose to fight Gide, fully aware of the end, driven only by what I would call here human subjective drive. Such human subjective drive, independent from reason and logic, is what awakened in Tachihara as well: if Odasaku served as an example of “defeating” Dazai by exploiting his vulnerability to the (uncontrollable) accidental, then Tachihara served as an example of “defeating” Fyodor’s precautious plans by unexpectedly exiting the Page’s influence. In the end, this parallel can become unbalanced if Fyodor already included this kind of variables in his plans and works not ignoring, but embracing human individuality and spontaneity, which I would argue is (paradoxically) more likely the case, for what I exposed in sections B and C. 

As for the second quote I put in bold, there are at least the following examples that render Dazai’s assumption (that Fyodor considers people boring) untrue: 1) in ch75, Fyodor openly praised Sigma, carefully examining his personal torment, placing him not only above the Hunting Dogs, but also above Dazai and himself, as well as “all of creation” ; 2) in ch78, in a flashback, as a reaction to (presumably listening to) Nikolai’s inner struggle, Fyodor replied “That’s wonderful”, smiling and tilting his head (see section B, as well as H for the significance of the tilt of the head); 3) in ch80, Fyodor described the Agency “as beautiful as the evening sunlight (…)”. If people are indeed boring to Fyodor, he would not find their struggles and states worthy of deeper consideration, lengthy speeches of praise or expressive, poetic comparisons (admittedly with a dash of pity and sarcasm towards the fate of the Agency). So far, Fyodor is never shown expressing boredom in the presence of other people, quite the contrary: he is shown expressing sincere interest, as if each human is a case study, an enigma to be unravelled, much like Fyodor himself is to me, and to us within the BSD community (therefore I chose that specific fragment from F.M. Dostoyevsky’s letters to start my essay with, as a motto; there is much more to be said about that, but I reserve that for another possible future essay, where it would be necessary to discuss Fyodor’s character in light of his corresponding author’s biography, personality and literary works as a whole). And so, I would argue that to Fyodor humans are not boring, but providers of entertainment worthy of attention and inspection, even more so when they play a role in his plans (and it seems everybody is playing on a stage set by Fyodor so far).

Fyodor is also quite fond of not only perceiving events or circumstances as games (like his mental chess game with Dazai in prison, starting in ch63, always mirroring the course of everyone’s actions outside), but also proposing this approach to others (his rooooundtable in ch64 and his card guessing contest with Ace in ch42), albeit not carelessly, as each time such – yeah, I cannot avoid it at this point, I’m a gamer myself, here it comes *inhales deeply* – each time such gamer approach has a multifaceted utility and never strays from serving Fyodor’s two main purposes, achieving his plan to cleanse the world of abilities, and having fun (yes). Killing boredom via playing games, especially when in the company of a person on the same level, seems to be the first move Fyodor does when faced with monotony (even in vol. 20’scredit page, where Fyodor said “I’m bored. Let’s play twenty questions”, even if Dazai immediately delivers the final answer “Snow White”, and thus Fyodor retracted his idea with “Actually let’s not”, as Dazai’s superhuman intellect killed the fun too fast).

To look into two examples just a bit more, in ch64, during his roooooundtable with Dazai, Fyodor suggested “Next, let’s ask a question at the same time”, which appeared to be innocently fun, because it challenges two persons, in this case a native and a non-native speaker of Japanese, to coordinate their spelling just for the amusement of simultaneity; then, in ch97, as Nikolai’s deadly prison game was about to start, Fyodor lamented the outcome he was confidently foreseeing: “Yet losing a chess opponent in the next 30 minutes is still quite sad”, saying this teasingly, still talking as if in the context of his and Dazai’s mental chess game. On a last, entertaining note, because why not, this entire section might as well serve as proof that Fyodor is cat-coded, just like Dazai (see @wintertaurus​​ ’s post here, where they scientifically prove this, I don’t make the rules), despite being the leader of the Rats in the House of the Dead, and so one more fine example of a fictional INTJ further strengthens the definition of INTJs as “human cats”.

F. Humble, not arrogant. Self-proclaimed god or servant of God?

Starting with the latter half of this section’s title, that is a very tricky subject, in fact, because we as manga readers can observe both 1) one line that established a connection early-on between Fyodor and calling himself “a god” if God is dead and 2) many lines by which Fyodor is actually displaying behaviour and speech akin to a self-aware servant of God. Let us begin with the first one. So, in the first chapter dedicated to showing Fyodor to the readers in more detail (ch42), and only in the original Japanese version and the fan translation, the first page of the chapter together with the last page feature a quote from F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Demons. The quote put together is “If God does not exist, I am a god”, which is part of a dialogue by the character Alexei Nilych Kirilov (“Если нет бога, то я бог”, see Part Three, chapter VI, II). Perhaps a beautiful coincidence, but in this exact wording that the fan translation chose, the quote also appears in Albert Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus, chapter “Absurd Creation”, subchapter “Kirilov”, where the French author discusses F.M. Dostoyevsky’s Demons and the mentioned character, Alexei Nilych Kirilov. There, Camus calls that line “Kirilov’s premise”. In retrospect, this is a very puzzling line to appear associated with Fyodor, or rather appear as spoken or thought by him, giving the ambiguity of the quote’s placement on the pages. It is also puzzling because until now BSD gave us a character who seems like a better candidate for using that quote or being a reference to Kirilov, and by that I mean of course Nikolai. Moreover, the way Fyodor talks about or mentions God in dialogues that are clearly spoken by him later (I shall discuss examples in the paragraphs and sections below) very much conveys the message that Fyodor does not think God is dead, invoking him over and over (whether he is referring to the Judeo-Christian God or simply “a god” is not yet addressed in the manga). Still, the most striking information about this quote remains the fact that it is not featured in the official English translation at all. For comparison, I shall put an image with the last page in both versions below, and you can see the scan of the Japanese first page of ch42 here.

As we are walking on quicksand with this one, let us move on to the second point I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph, about Fyodor as a servant of God. Because of his mission, of which he speaks as if it is of a higher calling, of divine nature, Fyodor also appears to see himself as a servant, namely a servant of God (servus Dei). He has the mind and the skill to carry out a mission of divine proportions (for us readers still an ambiguous goal: Fyodor, ch46: “And I will use that Book to make a world free of sin and skill users”, where “skill” means the same as “ability” and “gift”, as the fandom is used to these terms more). This, in turn, could have made him develop a strong sense of responsibility and a feeling of authority. As we are currently following the “servant” train of thought, these (sense of responsibility and authority) are not to be confused with what is called a “god-complex”, a slang expression which loosely corresponds to different actual psychological disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, a thing Fyodor does not display core traits of. As of now, Fyodor remains surprisingly humble, discreet and respectfully formal both in speech (see @looking-for-stray-dogs’s posts here and here) and in gestures (see section H, on Fyodor’s body language), he acknowledges the possibility of imperfections and even welcomes them (ch63), he was never portrayed as becoming irritated at others (except his eyes expressing either anger or furious determination, as Dazai attempts to drown him and Chuuya in ch101), he is not a show-off and is indifferent to being adored or agreed with, and he knows how to take criticism elegantly when Dazai holds different opinions or outwits him. It is true that his grandiose “divine” goal, his frequent use of manipulation, and his apparent omnisciency and unbreakable composure give enough space to speculate regarding an underlying “god-complex” in his character (together with the ambiguous use of the quote discussed in the paragraph above), but the reader must acknowledge that, in all his replies, Fyodor refers to himself as if to a servant of God par excellence, as is the most evident in his ch77 reply to Dazai: “Me? I didn’t do anything. I just sat here and prayed… and those prayers were answered”. 

This direct self-characterization, too, plays against him having an actual “god-complex”. I would say that, by building on the humble yet powerful servus Dei image, if at all intentional, Asagiri presents us a far more complex character in Fyodor. For example, one of the many important subjects in Biblical exegesis, since the beginning centuries of Christianity, was how Jesus Christ, the Son of God, took upon himself the role of servant of God (see Philippians, 2, 6-7), but also of all humans (see the Washing of the Feet), and so humility and divine power become two closely tied ideas. In the manga’s context, Fyodor’s own humility can also have an added disturbing effect on the reader because of the implied power that coexists with it.

On the topic of the “arrogant villain” stereotype, I myself cannot find instances where Fyodor is, per se, arrogant. Longman Dictionary defines “arrogant” as “behaving in an unpleasant or rude way because you think you are more important than other people”, but we know for a fact that Fyodor behaves far from rude and unpleasant to others. Quite the contrary, he is humble and considerate, as can be deduced from his way of using the Japanese language (see the references linked in the paragraph above). He is never portrayed denigrating, humiliating or belittling someone else thus far. What is true is that Fyodor considers his goal (and not necessarily himself unless the manga reveals the opposite in the future) superior to anyone and anything on Earth, and this accentuates his heavy use of smooth manipulation instead of inflating his ego, actually hiding his true self behind more and more layers of words and actions he uses out of necessity to reach his higher goal. If we speculate that Fyodor is indeed (Orthodox) Christian and familiar with this doctrine, then it would be no surprise why Fyodor would cultivate humility instead of pride in general, as pride (superbia) is the beginning of all sin (Sirach, 10, 15) and when pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom (Proverbs, 11, 3). To sum up, I cannot find any manga panel where Fyodor is acting in an arrogant way, so I reached the conclusion that anything related to his arrogance, his stubbornness, his rudeness or, by extension, his superiority-complex is headcanon-territory at least for now. Only in chess did Dazai mention the “maliciousness” of Fyodor’s move while playing mental chess with him (ch72), and this malicious trait can refer to the bold and shocking way in which Fyodor attacks by directly using his King instead of other chess pieces (for a detail exposition of their chess moves, see @blackandwhitemusician​ ’s post here). Interestingly, Fyodor does indeed reply with “Malice is the greatest fruit God ever gave to man”, yet from what I gathered so far we still have yet to see a true act of malice from Fyodor, that is, an malicious action done for the sake of malice itself, and not for the sake of his higher goal demanding sacrifices or attacks on rival organizations. Lastly, from the current content one can safely deduce Fyodor is individualistic (in contrast to Dazai who seems to learn to rely on others, but once again I shall point to @linkspooky​’s post here to underline how, as they said, “Dazai doesn’t work together with others, he manipulates for the greater good”, emphasis in bold mine), but it would take more manga updates to make a step further and pinpoint Fyodor’s egoism or narcissism if he has any of these traits at all in himself, and not in how others portray him when they think about him (how Atsushi imagines him in ch63, or Ango in ch77, or Ranpo in ch95). Not only does Fyodor break antagonist stereotypes with these traits, but – still keeping the quote analyzed in the beginning of this section in mind – he continues to embody shockingly contrasting ideas all within himself, which takes us to the next section of this essay.

G. A strange divergence inside Fyodor. Is he a singularity?

Before I reach the point I want to present here, I suggest we reflect once more upon that unforgettable scene. Continuing in the atmosphere of the ideas from the paragraphs before, it is also important to remember how, in Dead Apple, Fyodor said “I am crime”, whereas his ability said “I am punishment”, and none of these imply Fyodor is seeing himself as a god incarnate who applies punishment, only that there is an open possibility that his ability, if it is an independent being/soul, might see itself as such, i.e. a force to punish others and/or to punish Fyodor himself. This would assign Fyodor himself the role of an agent serving someone or something else (presumably his own ability). About this, a quick note must be made here: since this is a piece of Japanese media, the word “god” can end up referring to something else rather than the Judeo-Christian God (whose name I always capitalize in this post, to emphasize the difference). We do not really know to what god Fyodor refers to all the time, who or what it is, or if said god’s identity remains the same throughout the manga. In this post, I chose to work with the assumption that Fyodor is Orthodox and refers to the Judeo-Christian God. Despite this assumption, I find the relationship between him and his ability truly intriguing, even more so if we put this discussion in the context of “singularities”, also known as “self-contradictory-ability-types”. Now, so far there are two clear instances where self-contradictions are implied in his dialogue, one of them being this scene from Dead Apple, the other one becoming evident when we connect Fyodor’s replies in ch63 (left) and ch77 (right).

Fyodor, ch63: “A Decay comrade asked me for the perfect plan… but perfect is so boring. I won’t be able to view the karma of humanity like this.” Fyodor, ch77: “You pulled the strings of conspiracy yourself, no? But God prefers perfection and harmony. Thus, I followed the heart of God and added one line to the page.”

By openly giving contradictory information, to me this is exactly an occurrence of a stark divergence within Fyodor, so let us give it our complete attention in what follows. Firstly, there is the possibility that Fyodor could choose to say something intentionally if he would directly benefit from the receiver hearing those exact words, even if Fyodor’s own belief lies somewhere else entirely (so the question to that remains open: what does Fyodor truly think about perfection, imperfection and God?). Secondly, in Dead Apple, we see Fyodor and his ability merge back together, from two bodies back into one single body, and this action seems completely voluntary on their part, thus opening the possibility that Fyodor and his ability could manifest separately when they will it. This makes me wonder if each of them can take over their shared body (in turns) when they will it, so that one of the lines reflects Fyodor’s way of thinking, and the other line reflects his ability’s way of thinking, thus the two statements are made in separate frames, resulting in no contradictions being made if, and only if, Fyodor and his ability control the shared body in turns. Even so, because they coexist, the ingredients for a singularity are already there within Fyodor, given this example and the Dead Apple scene, because Fyodor and his ability each identify with a term that contradicts the other (“crime” and “punishment”), with a possible implied superiority or “victory” on his ability’s part (the “punishment” bringing the “crime” to an end, lastly “killing” it on a conceptual level, in a succession that implies a linear flow of time). It would be all the more logical, in this context, for Fyodor to desire victory over his own ability at all costs. How his goal is worded in the Dead Apple Official Guidebook, as pointed out by @aja154ever​​ here, could also indicate a suspicious tension between Fyodor and his ability: “To create a world without Abilities is his desire, and it is a mystery if this has any connection to his Crime and Punishment Ability” (see the quote’s full paragraph on his ability in their other post here). For important references from the light novels on what singularities are, how they come into being and how they can manifest, as well as a wonderful theory on the possibility of Dazai being a singularity himself, see @beans-beneath-moonlight​​ ‘s post here. To close this chain of ideas, indeed on the open possibility of Fyodor being a singularity too, I want to mention what @beans-beneath-moonlight​​ observed in their post too, namely that in the BSD light novel 55 Minutes, there is also “Gab”, Jules Verne's ability that took over and killed him, continuing to live on its own as a separate being, so abilities existing separetely from their user’s bodies, as well as malicious abilities that can turn against their users, both can exist in the BSD universe. Lastly, I put just one useful, but short reference below, on a singularity’s cause and terminology:

Professor N in the BSD light novel Storm Bringer: “By causing a logical conflict with your own ability instead of with someone else’s ability, you can create a singularity,” as he said that Professor N raised his index finger and twirled it around. “That sort of ability. The German researchers who first discovered this, had named it ‘self-contradictory-ability-type’.

There is one last relevant dialogue I want to analyze here. Below are all of Fyodor’s words from his first appearance in ch12:

Official translation – Fyodor, ch12: “It’s all as I predicted. No matter what happens, we reserve the right to do as we please. Just as the hand of God and demon wills it…” Fan translation – Fyodor, ch12: “Everything is going as expected. In any case... you are now given free reign... as indicated by the right hand of God and the demons.”

Notice how the official translation says “the hand of God and demon” (demon is singular), while the fan translation says “the (right) hand of God and the demons” (demons is plural). I asked @popopretty​ for their advice as to how to understand this line better and, according to them, the Japanese quote allows for the noun “demon” to be translated either way. I shall put their answer below:

@popopretty​: (…) according to the Japanese version I have, the original phrase for that last sentence is “神と悪霊の右手が示しす通りに”, which directly translates to “as the right hand of God and demons show/point to”. There is no word to indicate that the word demon is singular or plural, but looking at the context, I think it is safe to assume that its plural. It says “right hand” here, which I believe because the phrase “right hand of God” is used a lot in Bible. It doesn’t make much different compared to the “hand of God” though, so I think the translation you quoted is close enough.

I agree that the chapter’s context, as well as the two coated shadows behind Fyodor, allow for an undertanding where “demons”, in plural, refers to Fyodor’s co-workers within his organization, Rats in the House of the Dead. However, since the official translation opted for “demon” in singular, I want to explore the other possibility here: what would it imply if “demon” is indeed meant to be singular here? I would connect this to what is stated to be Fyodor’s motto in the Dead Apple Official Guidebook “Mist Records”: “Follow the guidance of God’s hand”, as translated by @looking-for-stray-dogs here, or “Let the hand of God guide you”, according to the BSD wiki. It seems Fyodor’s character is connected once again to the symbol of the hand, specifically the manus Dei or dextera Dei, which, in art history, indicates divine intervention, divine approval, divine acceptance, as well as God’s – the Creator’s – omnipotence (see, for example, Acts, 7, 50: “nonne manus mea fecit haec omnia?” – “was it not my hand that created all these <things>?”). The hand of God can not only refer to God (the Father) himself, but also to God (the Son), appointing him to his right hand’s side (as prophecized), which means divinely appointing him as both his “representative” and “equal” (“sede a dextris meis donec ponam inimicos tuos scabillum pedum tuorum”, which, mot-a-mot, would go something like this: “sit to my right hand’s side until I put your enemies as the footstool of your feet”, which is Psalm 109, 1 in the Biblia Vulgata, a verse invoked by Christ himself in Matthew, 22, 44, marking a fascinating continuity between the Old and the New Testament). So, considering this information, the expression “the hand of God and demon”, referring to the subject or entity who “wills” whatever it wills, establishes not only a connection, but a shocking equality between the nouns “God” and “demon”, as the hand belongs to both of them. By definition, the two nouns cannot be synonyms, under no condition, thus the subject of the action makes no valid sense and cannot be an actual conceivable “being” without an external reader’s interpretation (like this one I am trying to unfold). Following on that, what can exist or be conceived in the human mind is someone or something whose “being” implies the contradictory yet inseparable coexistence of someone / something that possesses godly traits and someone / something that possesses demonic traits. Therefore, I interpret the expression “the hand of God and demon” as referring to Fyodor himself, or, more precisely, Fyodor’s existence, which implies him and his ability together, where one represents the “god” and the other the “demon”, although it is still unclear which is which. Given all this, I propose the theory that Fyodor is a singularity, just like Dazai (continuing in the spirit of @beans-beneath-moonlight​​ ‘s theory post I referenced before).

Moving on from the singularity discussion, based on Dead Apple’s “I am crime. I am punishment” scene once again, one can only be certain that the link between “sin”, “ability” and “punishment” becomes even stronger, but apparently so does the link between “human” and “crime”. It is no surprise that the famous nouns of the literary work are used for this scene, nouns that can refer to both the active and the passive component of the implied action (commiting a crime vs being the victim of a crime; applying punishment vs receiving punishment). This begs the questions: would freeing the world of abilities also liberate Fyodor of his own punishment (whatever it is, if it exists at all)? does “freeing” the world of abilities even imply “killing” the gifted, and if yes, would that lead Fyodor to a final act of self-sacrifice (or, closer to the etimology of the word “sacrifice”, an act of making the offered thing sacred – himself in this scenario, together with all the gifted)? If we take into account how Fyodor concluded that he and newly “scouted” member Nathaniel Hawthrone “will cover this land in the blood of the sinners” (ch37), together with what Fyodor said as he and Karma looked at Ace’s hanged corpse (ch42, Fyodor: “Thinking is a crime. Breathing is a crime”, or, in the anime’s dub, S3ep4, “Crime starts with thought. As natural as breathing”, emphasizing the naturality of whatever Fyodor identified as humanity’s “crime”), as well as what Nathaniel chanted as he was on his assassination jobs (ch46, to Fukuzawa: “Death! Death! Death to the skill users! An eternal underground sleep with no awakening!”, as well as ch46, to Akutagawa: “Death! Death! Death to the skill users! … To revive my beloved, I must execute the contract of death”), then we have canon ground to believe the death of all gifted is necessary after all, yet Fyodor never uses such expression. It is always “freeing”, “offering the salvation of death to the evil” (note how he does not say “the gifted”), “granting the great silence”, like in how Fyodor talks to Karma in S3ep4: “All evils that plague this world will receive the mercy of death”, “I will do you the honour of granting you the great silence”, “May you be free from the shackles of your crimes, and your soul be salvaged”. This raises another problem: Fyodor himself, as he says, applies cleansing, purification, salvation, liberation, but his ability clearly refers to these acts as “punishment” instead, which is a completely different concept in a religious context as well. So far, once again, this marks a divergence between Fyodor and his ability, another clear moment when the ability seems to behave like a different entity than its user, with a different perception of what the ability itself does (one possibility being, what to Fyodor is “freeing”, to his ability is “punishment”, or that his ability’s “punishment” is a “cleansing” or “freeing” in a corrupted sense of the words). As a closing remark regarding Fyodor’s goal in general, there is still a lot of room to speculate on its true nature if we consider the possibility of Fyodor opposing not the Agency, nor the Port Mafia, but first and foremost the military and different governments who 1) already have a bloody history of using ability users in the war (as implied by Yosano’s backstory and the bits of Fukuchi’s backstory), 2) had (and might still have) special laboratories researching and even artificially creating ability users or researching ways to exploit singularities (BSD Storm Bringer), 3) may have massproduced abilities of specific destructive types, according to one war story of Fukuchi’s past merits (ch82, when we are told he led an operation to eliminate 100.000 “skill-based ‘werewolf’ test subjects”, with Teruko and Jouno visible alongside Fukuchi in the panel describing this – one hundred thousand “test subjects”! for what?), 4) was aware of or working according to an entire skill doctrine, already developed and, I assume, generally-known at the time Mori used Yosano, a mere child, as his slave to achieve his Immortal Regiment plan, meant to prove that abilities are indeed suitable for use in war (ch65). In relation to this, we could take into account the possibility of Fyodor being repulsed by Ace’s behaviour in ch42 (as suggested by certain expressions of Fyodor in the manga), given that Ace represented the perfect example of someone using other people without any consideration of the weight of their lives, their personhood and their inner world. If this is the “evil” that Fyodor wants to purge from this world, and if making abilities disappear, one way or another, would make him accomplish this “greater good” (ending the use and abuse of ability users worldwide), then we are all the more justified in weighing the morality of anyone involved in this large scheme, starting with those implied in Natsume’s Tripartite Framework, supposed to maintain peace in Yokohama (the Armed Detective Agency, the Port Mafia, and the Special Division for Special Powers together with the military police). Besides this, how he phrased his goal in ch46 draws attention to how he identifies at least two different “sins” in current mankind: 1) that they consciously ignore the fact that they are controlled, and 2) that they keep killing each other regardless of said knowledge (ch46, Fyodor: “Man is sinful and foolish. Even if they know it is all an artifice, they cannot help but kill each other. Someone must purify them for those sins”). Based on this, one can assume he wants to stop people from killing each other, by itself a noble goal, but a backstory is much needed to understand the real nature of it before applying judgement. Personally, based on the current status of the manga, I am neutral on this while keeping it in mind, because Fyodor’s higher goal is still ambiguous, and one should not sugarcoat him, nor paint him as a pure demon just yet. After all, all BSD characters are extremely nuanced, and tastefully so. If we also take into consideration his profile page from the BSD Season 3 guidebook (see @ahli-stuff​​ ’s post here) and how he considers his strength “wishing for world happiness” and his favorite type of person “someone who loves all humanity equally”, we can further wonder if Fyodor will be revealed as a character who genuinely cares the most about all of humanity, with a love that may or may not have become dark till present time, or a love that demanded and still demands the cruelest sacrifices.

H. Soft, discreet, graceful, yet playfully dramatic. His body language in the manga, in comparison to the anime

There are many differences between the manga representation and the anime representation of Fyodor’s body language, not to mention the representation of his character overall. I suggest we treat the manga and the anime (this includes Dead Apple) separately and leave the creation of a clear list of the converging and diverging points for another potential post. I shall begin this section with the following statement, in hope of leading anime-only BSD fans to the truth: soft Fedya is real, because canon Fedya is soft. In the manga, Fyodor’s postures and gestures convey gentleness, discreetness, grace and fragility, in multiple instances I shall present below, in a random order.

MANGA. Being considerate. Speaking of discreetness and being considerate, let’s list a few examples of that. In ch42, when Fyodor’s ability activated to kill Karma, causing blood to shoot from Karma’s face, Fyodor did not look at the dying child, turning to face him only after he died, which can be interpreted as an act of respect for Karma’s intimacy during his final moments (see section B for a more in-depth analysis of Karma’s demise). Another occasion when Fyodor’s consideration was evident is in ch49 and how he took off his shoes and coat when entering Katai’s house (basic common manners, even though we must admit this is still bizzare in the context of breaking into a house to shoot someone, but read on), while the anime portrayed him fully-clothed, with his boots on (S3ep10), thus (what can I even say) disrespectful and uncaring of the cleanness of the (nonetheless wild and messy) house of his intended victim (in the end, not too surprising coming from the man who calls even his vampire slave with honorifics, “Chuuya-san”, in ch101, but also his abducted prisoner “Katsura-san” in ch47; for BSD uses of honorifics and nicknames, check this post here, but keep in mind that it covers info till ch87). His consideration of cleanness is also supported by the fact that Fyodor hid his ushanka in a clean, empty wooden box during his mission to stab Mori and infect him with Pushkin’s virus (ch46), yet the anime replaced the wooden box with a dumpster (S3ep8), setting the fandom down a cursed path of tasteless spamjokes basically.

Gentle touch of minimum intrusiveness. In the manga, the hand position when Fyodor is about to use his ability on someone also conveys gentleness and minimum intrusiveness (barely touching the forehead, using the tips of his index and middle fingers). Even the movement towards the forehead appears slow and elegant, thus even more sinister (for more on this hand gesture and its meanings, see section A). In the anime, however, this hand gesture is replaced by one that makes more physical contact with the other person, obstructing their view and breathing while being uncharacteristically intrusive: instead of Fyodor discreetly touching Karma’s forehead like in ch42, in S3ep4 Karma’s face is fully covered by Fyodor’s palm, which looks uncomfortable, unnatural and oppressive. Another revelant portrayal here, one that also conveys Fyodor’s overall gentleness in gestures, is present in ch64’s cover art: in contrast to Dazai, who holds his white pawn between his thumb and index + middle finger, Fyodor holds his black pawn between his thumb and middle + ringfinger, which, if reenacted, distinguishes itself by how Fyodor is using the least amount of pressure possible to lift the chess piece (thus very graceful), and so we have Dazai, who “takes” the piece and moves it insisting on a more secure grip, contrasting with Fyodor who “guides” the piece, letting it gently hang between his fingers as it is swayed following Fyodor’s movements.

High physical endurance. Despite his frail body, we can safely assume Fyodor has high endurance and vitality, given how he did not even flinch when Ace smashed a full wine bottle in his head (ch42) and how he let himself get captured and be kept in harsh prison conditions at least twice (ch42, ch54) before ending up in Meursault. There is also how he ran away from Mori and Elise (ch46) without gasping or showing fatigue afterwards. More canon material is still needed in order to establish how accurate or severe his self-proclaimed anemic condition is (ch42, “My body is weak and anemic”) or his low blood pressure (BSD Season 3 guidebook, but I only had access to this info via this post here and would greatly appreciate someone confirming this).

Oratory skills and expressive hand gestures. In the manga, Fyodor is always highly expressive in what regards his hand gestures during speeches, yet in a practical and elegant way, implying he has great oratory skills or training, besides excellent communication and manipulation skills (discussed in section C and pretty much all others). In ch42: Fyodor clapped as his card game with Ace ended, thus expressing joy through words and action; Fyodor pretended to be taken aback by Ace having listened to his and Karma’s talk, scratching his head in a wide-open gesture, conveying surprise and acknowledgement of Ace’s skills; Fyodor put a hand to his chest when telling Ace he has trained himself for “battles of starvation”, this gesture emphasizing the personal aspect of the information he offered, which this gesture implies is wholehearted and sincere. In ch46, while explaining his strategy and his way of thinking to Dazai, Fyodor uses various hand gestures to illustrate his phrases as well: extended arm explaining; hand pointing towards Dazai; explaining his higher goal with open palms in front of him, but close to his body, suggesting solemnity and confessed determination; sadly, all these gestures were replaced in the anime with Fyodor just holding his ushanka to his chest, conveying the same type of message as when he held his hand to his chest in front of Ace in ch42, as I described a few phrases above; still, at least in S3ep4 anime Fyodor gesticulated a lot while talking to Ace before the latter’s suicide, following ch42 pretty closely). In ch55, after entering Mushitaro’s basement prison cell, as Fyodor was revealing his intention behind freeing Mushitaro, he raised both hands to his chest, his fingers resting on each side of his heart, a gesture meant to suggest utmost sincerity. After that, still in ch55, when informing Mushitaro on the change of his condition (Mushitaro was captive, “but that ends today”, as Fyodor said), he held his right index finger to his lips, in a mischievous display of secrecy and child-like playfulness. This same gesture can have sinister undertones as well, given how it already appeared in ch47 in this way, where it is suggested, in a flashback background, that Fyodor did the same gesture when asking fake Pushkin to convey the “No changing the rules” message to the Agency, and they found this out after the death of the children. Lastly, these oratory skills can be used in playfully dramatic ways too, like in ch64, when Fyodor switched to the discourse of an overly-expressive, lively host of a (talk)show, as he suggested Dazai to participate in his “All-smiles Problem-solving Roooooundtable, hosted by yours truly, Dostoyevsky”, tilting his head further and further to his right as Dazai expressed growing confusion at first. About Fyodor tilting his head and what it means, see the paragraph below. So, all these scenes point to the fact that Fyodor gesticulates a lot, especially for emphasis and expressiveness during speeches or conversations, or for the fun of the dramatic effect.

Curiosity and tilt of the head. In conversational circumstances, we often see Fyodor tilting his head to his side. In his case, this is an expression of curiosity, in the sense of being (or wanting to appear to be) genuinely interested in the other person’s answers. Note that the simple tilt of the head to one’s side can also express endearment towards the thing one looks at (in genuine concern or admiration of something beautiful or dear, for example), but, combined with oratory skills – which Fyodor possesses as a master of communication – this can be a very effective tool that translates into non-verbal emotional manipulation. To give a few examples, Fyodor tilted his head 1) when he asked Sigma if he wished for a home (ch75), 2) when he replied to Nikolai capturing the essence of his inner conflict (ch78), 3) when greeting (and even bowing to) Mushitaro in the basement, just before offering him a deal to escape (ch55). In all these cases, the persons Fyodor was conversing with were already in a vulnerable situation (Sigma wandering in desperation, Nikolai presenting his inner struggle, Mushitaro being held captive), and thus Fyodor made sure to bind each of them to himself, planting the seeds of dependency by offering them validation and emotional response. Moreover, as a gesture of (apparent) trust, if someone tilts their head to the side, they present themselves in a vulnerable position (the neck area is open), subtly conveying the message that the other person is in a position of superiority, deepening the trap that, in Fyodor’s case, ends with the other people becoming dependent on him as the “benign” manipulator. Still, because of the display of vulnerability, the tilt of the head in itself is a gentle, humbling gesture, very fitting for Fyodor, whose character presence builds on the inexplicable tension between the terror and apprehension brought by his vast intellect and unknown powers, and the humility and gentleness of his speech and body language. The fact that, as of now, we still cannot draw a firm line and say from where to which point Fyodor’s gestures and words are genuinely benevolent or actually malevolent, so he remains beyond good and evil, and fascinatingly so, until more of his character or backstory is revealed. As a last example of Fyodor tilting not his head, but his entire body as an expression of curiosity, in ch42, finding Ace’s vault, Fyodor did exactly that and approached it together with a curious look (eyes opened wider, eyebrows raised), asking Karma something to which Fyodor already knew the answer probably anyway (“Oh, is this it? The vault where ace holds his jewels temporarily, to prevent a price collapse?”) and still Fyodor asked Karma because, I assume, having a conversation made the discovery simply more fun for the moment.

Biting his fingertips and nails. In ch42, Fyodor is seen biting his fingertips in three different panels, and yet the anime (S3ep4) never shows him doing this. Later on, we never see him biting his fingertips “on screen”, but “behind the scenes” he has been continuously doing so even up to the most recent chapter. Looking closely, you can see how his fingertips and nails are damaged and rough even at Meursault, for example, in ch95, when Fyodor is passing Dazai the salt, or in ch101, when Fyodor is inputting security codes to unlock prison doors. Of course, among other things, this habit indicates a Crime and Punishment novel reference, which should be discussed in a different post, and has in fact been discussed in nice posts by other BSD fans already. This aside, unlike his depiction in Dead Apple, manga Fyodor consistently keeps his hands ungloved.

Surprise and adrenaline rush. Other than the moments when his face shows curiosity, in the manga Fyodor’s composure appears to break rather often to express surprise, usually when 1) an brilliant move was made by an adversary team or someone else, but more recently also when 2) the enemy team made a move faster than Fyodor expected. In several of these occasions, his shock is accompanied by what seems to be delight, and I would interpret this as Fyodor enjoying the adrenaline rush of near-death situations (Nikolai’s prison game, introduced in ch95.5 / ch96, to which both Fyodor and Dazai reacted in a grimly ecstatic way) or general “end of the road” scenarios (Dazai and Fitzgerald “catching” him in ch53, although Mushitaro revealed that Fyodor’s capture was intentional in ch54: “And I… can never be forced to reveal the reason Dostoyevsky let them capture him!”). Now, for the second type of surprise, the clearest examples are Fyodor’s ch101 reactions to being cornered by Dazai and the prison room starting to get filled by heavy water. His expressions there do betray true shock, as much as his stare at the end of ch101 expresses true boiling anger and determination, but one must note that, despite letting his composure break, Fyodor may have already anticipated Dazai’s moves, and the true source of his surprise was Dazai executing said moves sooner than anticipated by Fyodor (for example, when the code input device explodes in front of Fyodor’s face, after an initial shocked expression, his eyes regain a look of steel, rationalizing “he got the circuit already”). In any case, for most insight on the whole ch101 situation and the in-context implications of this “already”, I recommend checking out @videogamelover99​​ ’s post here on, well, basically Dazai being too Dazai for his own good, or @vampireonastick​​ ’s post here for more discussion on the whole ch101 situation).

ANIME. The anime went with a different characterization of Fyodor entirely so far (as of now, November 2022, the anime has 3 completed seasons, and the trailer for January 2023’s season 4 revealed enough to see the anime’s characterization for Fyodor has not changed at all). In the anime, instead of being soft and discreet, Fyodor is confident, audacious and, I would say, stereotypically evil and creepy, whereas in the manga his sinister side comes to the reader’s eyes as a result of all the subtleties his behaviour and schemes imply, as well as a result of the contrast between his gentle appearance and his unnerving actions and plans, as I already wrote above. For example, in S3ep8, anime Fyodor smirked daringly at Mori after he stabbed the Mafia boss, seemingly enjoying it, yet in the manga Fyodor kept a blank face. Since various other differences between the manga and the anime were already discussed before this point of my essay, I propose an analysis of Fyodor’s body language in Dead Apple specifically, which goes hand in hand with his portrayal in the anime, and therefore differs significantly from the soft Fyodor we get to know in the manga.

Secrecy. In Dead Apple, in the first scene that reunites Shibusawa, Dazai and Fyodor, we see Fyodor approaching their table with confident steps and hands in what appears a rather tight grip, as opposed to letting his fingers comfortably open on each side of his body. This could express repressed or hidden intentions, as his fingers, in a fist, cover his palms and do not allow a completely relaxed stance. Next, unlike Dazai, Fyodor does not cross his legs when at the table, he instead positions both his feet firmly and perpendicularly on the ground, which conveys confidence as well, and is meant to assert total control of the room. When putting his arms on the table, he intertwines his fingers and rests his chin on his joined hands. This is a meditative position, suggesting a serious thought process going on behind his puzzling smile (again, suggesting confidence), as well as careful planning, or simply waiting for things to happen as he planned beforehand. His closed eyes shut down the world outside him, we could interpret this as logical in this situation if Fyodor has already predicted and planned everything through, which the movie suggests was indeed the case. The outside world is not as necessary to see in that case, plus he is surrounded by people who will not act impuslively and threaten each other out of the blue, so a sense of blind trust stays between the three strategists. One last thing to note about this scene is the fact that only Shibusawa and Fyodor are facing each other, while Dazai is facing no one, which may subtly suggest the personal bond between Shibusawa and Fyodor, one that Dazai does not share with anyone in the room, or (arguably) anyone at all after Odasaku’s death.

Confidence. In Dead Apple, Fyodor’s pose conveys confidence when Shibusawa shows Dazai the Draconia room (Fyodor is seen with his left hand on his waist, in contrapposto); Fyodor’s pose conveys having hidden motives when he and Dazai entered the Draconia room in secret (Fyodor has his back turner to both Dazai and the viewers, with his hands in his coat’s pockets; Fyodor’s pose conveys confidence AND having hidden motives when Shibusawa surprisingly stabs Dazai, followed by Dazai asking Fyodor “Didn’t you lock the door?” (Fyodor has his hands in his pockets, but also smirks and chuckles at Dazai while looking down to him, with Fyodor’s chin slightly raised).

A playful mind. As to what regards Fyodor’s playful mind, it is made more or less evident through Fyodor’s play of words and sharp, intelligent replies (see section E for his love for entertainment specifically). In Dead Apple, as the singularity event unfolds, Fyodor told a shocked Shibusawa that he will “fill in all the blanks” for him: Fyodor added “I’ll even tell you what was cut out”, proceeding to cut Shibusawa’s throat immediately after. This is a splendid play of word and action, coordinating them in a twisted sense of playfulness, indulging michievously in living a life entertaining for himself. But seriously, for more on Fyodor and his sense of entertainment, see section E above, it would be superfluous to repeat ideas here.

– – –

11 November 2022. At last, we arrived at the end of this essay. The end for now at least, as I could technically add more analysis and external references in the future, if my irl schedule allows it. Since January 2022 I’ve been working on this “thing” I jokingly called “marriage proposal PhD”, because why not, this is an accurate example of how an ENTP proposes to an INTJ, where understanding the other (or continuously trying to) is peak intimacy and love. I guess. However, I “yeeted” my emotions out while I was writing this, because nothing would have angered me more than my appreciation of this character clouding my judgement or making me err in my pursuit of the many subtleties that lead to his many paradoxical traits. Whether I will update this post or not in the future, I cannot promise. This post is intended to be my last contribution to the BSD fandom, but my ask box remains open for futher discussions on BSD or other media analysis. I doubt fans will read everything I wrote, and I am certain the fandom will perpetuate the cycle of Fedya’s mischaracterization despite my best efforts to bring many canon scenes showing different sides of him into the spotlight. 

Yes... Despite everything, I am at peace. I thought no media could revive my passion for analysis anymore, no character could make me draw fanart again, and yet... and yet!... Fedya is exactly the type of character one can analyze ad infinitum and feel thrilled at each discovery, at each little possible implication of a word or gesture. No matter how tranquil he may seem, no matter how certain we may be at first of his exterior serenity, for everything his character encapsulates, for everything we know and don’t know about him thus far, Fyodor’s soul is likely vessel to an incredible inner tension, origin of his determination. As I was writing more and more, I discovered he is intense, so truly intense, and that intensity has brought me… and brings me... and will bring me

boundless bliss.

Happy birthday, радость моя.

[main-serendipity-sky]

The state of Jiminland today

Today I was pushed over the edge as I watched twitter implode so it took me about 12 hours to write my thoughts out.

It's disheartening to see a fanbase, 52Hz, openly being a Jimin anti but it's also disheartening to see people act shocked when Jimin lost 2 awards he almost had because a majority of Korean fans (not kpjms) didn't vote for him.

How can you be shocked at the way Jimin is treated if you are part of the problem?

52Hz has been called out ever since July but karmy and kjkkrs defended this fanbase even with proof presented. I tried asking them about it but I got blocked instead. I even remember reading some accounts here that were blaming pjms instead back in July.

It's not ignorance if you are informed and you choose to ignore it.

52Hz lied, blurred out Jimin from playlists, altered predictions to mislead fans and pushed them to vote for Jk only. They also did something similar last year for Hobi and Namjoon.

It's not only that 52Hz lied but people protected them and then followed like sheep.

The hate and indifference towards Jimin in this fandom runs so deep and is disguised as many things that may appear harmless:

•Not supporting him as an artist but speculating on his private life

•Using him for fan wars since because he is best weapon BTS has in all areas

•Using him for ship wars because "Jimin always gets hate" and if Jimin gets hate that means jikook is real

•Using him as a cheerleader/funny guy/flirty guy/cute guy/support guy for BTS but failing to see the complexity that Jimin is

•Ignoring, belittling, or attributing his accomplishments to anything/anyone other than Jimin himself

•Downplaying or excusing what the company has done to him because you want to maintain the ot7 illusion

•Not talking about the sabotage because you will be labeled a solo and get hate from other people but you still talk about things that bring Jimin hate like any of his ships

•Degrading his art to Jk's level because it's the cute shipper thing to do even though we all know quite well both things are not the same

•Putting Jimin and Jk on the same pedestal when Jimin is up there because of his hard work and fans who have worked endlessly to stream and buy while Jk's numbers have been inflated by Scooter's tactics

•Boycotting the jikook show because a hate filled account gave you that idea when you should be the fan that always supports him till the end

•Using Jimin for your sexual fantasies

•Not defending him

•Pushing a narrative where Jimin must be the sacrifice for BTS or jikook

We can call out 52Hz and kfans but then our own behavior is just as bad.

Jimin doesn't deserve this.

We are talking about Jimin.

The guy who is the most appreciative of his fans. The only one who came to weverse to thank fans for BTS' win in MAMA only after 40 minutes (he didn't thank for his individual win but for the group win!). The guy who wanted FACE to be free just so he could share it with us. The guy who did his entire documentary just so we could see that he had fun doing FACE.

If you don't appreciate and value Jimin,

If you won't fight and defend him,

If you care more about your pretty profiles filled with positivity and pretty pictures,

If you are only here to "support" jikook but have no intention to support Jimin as an actual artist,

If you downplay what he has gone through,

Don't call yourself his fan.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Kiss-eki: Dear to Me

*Kicks open door*

SURPRISE BITCHES! I am several days late and hundreds of dollars short, but I did finally *finally* decide to watch Kiseki: Dear to Me in an attempt to add one more show to the Completed Watchlist for 2023. This was a show I was planning on watching a bit earlier, probably closer to the time it was actually airing, because I'd heard it was ridiculous and thought it would be a good show to have on in the background during work. But @ginnymoonbeam had my best interests at heart and told me that I Absolutely Could Not Do That because There Was Body Language Dammit!

If I have not made it clear, THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME, GINNY!

Kiseki was absolutely wild and completely insane if you try to describe a single aspect of the plot whatsoever, but I would have given it a ten off sheer entertainment value if it wasn't for those back to back fake outs with Chen Yi being shot and Fan Ze Riyu being stabbed. But, I digress. I have only seen three things from Taiwan at this point, but those three shows have provided quite a lot of evidence to the claim that Taiwan is nearly unparalleled in their ability to portray domesticity and physical chemistry. I have also heard that Taiwan has a tendency to create content on more taboo subjects, and Kiseki was my first forray in to that side of Taiwan considering Ai Di and Chen Yi are brothers and Bai Zong Yi is a minor when he starts his relationship with Fan Ze Riu. I think both of these subjects were very smartly handled in their set up and their structure. I normally hate the like, adoptive siblings falling in love thing, cause like...that's your sibling, but they don't give us a lot if any flashback to these boys growing up together, and they don't share last names, or really call their adoptive father Dad, so there are quite a number of abstractions in that dynamic that means this is the first time I didn't have a squick about it. And having Fan Ze Riu trying so desperately not to succumb to his feelings for Bai Zong Yi and to put that distance between them, to have Bai Zong Yi be living alone and also be 17 so he's pretty close to legal age, and then to have Bai Zong Yi be the pursuer in their relationship both serve extremely well in making that relationship feel responsibly handled.

I have not been in the tags, so forgive me if this has already been done, but I have not stopped thinking about the first kiss between Ai Di and Chen Yi or the first kiss between Bai Zong Yi and Fan Ze Riu since I saw them and I simply *must* do a scene/body language breakdown about both of them. God, it's good to be back!

[side note: I was going to split this up with funny titles like Cat Boy and Mr. Sulky, but I realized that actually could apply to both couples...]

Ai Di and Chen Yi

Okay FIRST OF ALL, I just want to say that I love Ai Di, I love how ruthless and blood thirsty he is and how incredibly dangerous and scary he could be...if he wasn't so easy to pick up and carry around like a football, or like...a feral, hissing kitten. I am going to focus mostly on the first kiss that Chen Yi initiates with Ai Di because holy shit was there so much complex emotion and reaction packed in to that pretty small moment, but before I do that I am contractually obligated to acknowledge how fucking brilliant it is to show how much/how well Ai Di and Chen Yi know each other, by having Ai Di torture Chen Yi for information by threatening to feed Chen Yi incredibly spicy baby corn AND TO HAVE THAT TACTIC WORK. And to show how much Chen Yi tolerates by having him easily get out of the restraints and tie Ai Di up when he gets bored. Fucking incredible character choice to show how absolutely batshit Ai Di is, fucking incredible relationship choice to show how well Ai Di knows Chen Yi, and fucking incredible choice to use for a call back later. Also, fuck this show for that birthday cake scene! Brutal.

Okay. That said:

You know Ai Di has not for one second stopped loving Chen Yi, and now he is being met with some actual interest from Chen Yi. Chen Yi is full reciprocating what Ai Di has wanted for so long and if this were a typical BL with more simplestic characterization, we would have gotten the moment where Ai Di just melts in to it, fully lets himself have it. Accepts that Chen Yi has woken up, gotten with the program, and is ready to be in a relationship with him. And to be honest, that is what I was expecting. Ai Di has been such a loud and obvious simp for Chen Yi that I thought for a moment he would be the kind of person to let himself have it. To not question it too hard, especially because he is young and impulsive. So imagine my surprise when I got this reaction from him instead:

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

Ai Di likes to challenge, likes to push buttons, likes to press. And he starts this scene doing just that. He is on his way to tucking Chen Yi in to bed (folding the edge of the bed spread over him because Chen Yi is drunk off his ass and too heavy for Ai Di to manhandle under the covers. But the second that Chen Yi starts simping over his Boss again, Ai Di stops performing any level of care for Chen Yi, and you can see this little change in his face where he gets annoyed and actually undoes his little moment of care and pulls the bedspread back off of Chen Yi and then he postures and he’s trying to act tough, and he’s needling intentionally, and all of these things where he is trying to be antagonistic to Chen Yi because that is the only way that Ai Di really knows how to express his emotions and he’s butt hurt about Chen Yi once against obsessing over someone Ai Di knows he can’t have when he is right there. 

Now, Ai Di gets manhandled a lot by Chen Yi and while he isn’t able to break out of it, he does very often struggle/fight back to get out of Chen Yi’s grip when he’s been baby carried away from a scene like a sack of potatoes. Which is why I do think Ai Di is giving in to his own feelings a bit here because he…doesn’t do that. He lets Chen Yi pull him closer, he lets Chen Yi push him up against the wall. And he’s still needling but it’s all bark, no bite. When he starts calling Chen Yi impotent his face softens looking up at him. 

And then Chen Yi goes in for the kiss and Ai Di’s eyes go wide, you can see an entire internal monologue running through his head. I am fairly confident there are some what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck’s going through his head when Chen Yi first kisses him. 

gif by @khaotungsfirst

There is a moment, just a moment so quick where Ai Di kisses back, where his heart gets the better of his judgment and he lets himself *have it* for *just* a second, and then his brain snaps back almost immediately and he bites Chen Yi and pushes him away. 

And honestly, I do not understand how actors work, because Ai Di’s face twitches. How the fuck does Louis do that?! He’s out of breath, and his mouth is agape, and he looks horrified, and heartbroken, and confused, but maybe a little hopeful. Like he won’t let himself believe that Chen Yi would actually do this. Like he is thinking Chen Yi is doing this out of pity, or just to shut him up, or mess with him. Because Ai Di messes with Chen Yi all the time.  This is what Ai Di wants. He wants Chen Yi, but now that he is face to face with the possibility he does not have the ability to believe in it. 

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

And in a very rare occurrence he listens to Chen Yi when Chen Yi tells him to get out of his room. The gears are definitely turning, but he simply cannot believe it, and it is so fascinating to me thinking about all these little microexpressive moments we get from Ai Di later on in the show that he really does not believe that Chen Yi kissing him in Episode 6 was Chen Yi actually admitting feelings, because every time that Ai Di tries something like torturing Chen Yi with spicy baby corn, or flirting to try to get Chen Yi to be uncomfortable or to back off, he reacts with genuine confusion when Chen Yi flirts back. 

Case in point: 

gif by @25shadesoffebruary

gif by @shijiujun

Bai Zong Yi and Fan Ze Riu First Kiss

It’s really interesting for me to compare this kiss to the Ai Di and Chen Yi kiss because they feel like completely mirrored (read: reversed) reactions. Where Ai Di leans in to his kiss for a moment for a moment and then forces himself to push away, preventing further intimacy, Fan Ze Rui forces himself to push away for a moment and then leans in to it, allowing the intimacy to proceed.

gif by @alejunsu

The set up is incredible, and in my opinion, foreshadows the fake amnesia plot in that Ze Rui is absolutely laser focused on his task (treating Zong Yi’s wounds) and intentionally ignoring everything else because he knows that it is irresponsible for him to initiate a relationship with a seventeen year old. Zong Yi is the first to lean in and go for a kiss, and he lingers at a distance that is respectful but with obvious intent for as long as it takes Ze Rui to look up and notice. There is a split second where Ze Rui’s eyes flit down to Zong Yi’s lips, and then he puts himself right back on task. Zong Yi is not to be dissuaded and goes in for the kiss again. Ze Rui notices, and grabs at Zong Yi’s shoulder to stop him, furrowing his brow in what I would consider confusion and focus, but once again his eyes betray him and he looks back at Zong Yi’s lips. This time without looking away, so Zong Yi continues, leaning in slowly and Ze Rui is drawn in at this point, he is frozen there, he isn’t trying to disengage from the inevitable anymore, unable to rebel against his own desire. 

gif by @alejunsu

Their lips meet, and to me it looks like Ze Rui is shocked, like his brain has short circuited and he doesn’t know where to go from here. It’s like his body is just reacting and reacting before his brain can catch up with the responsibility. He kisses back before his brain has really processed what is happening, and then he knows he shouldn’t be doing this so he tries to push away in the most half-hearteded attempt to be responsible, and a second later he’s abandoned the effort and started engaging more enthusiastically in the kiss. 

I do not fucking know how Hsu Kai does it because I swear to god Fan Riyu was cycling through about a hundred different emotions in this one moment and they were all acting against his physical reaction to the kiss. The way his arm goes out to Bai Zong Yi's shoulder to try to keep physical distance between the two of them, while he is having a full out internal war with himself? Holy fucking shit. It’s really like his brain is going “is this actually happening? Shit yes it is I have to- fuck it” 

gif by @maxescheibechlinichacheli

And at the start of his active participation in the kiss he is still not letting himself have it. I think he is still stuck on the fact that he shouldn’t be doing this, and as a result he pushes Zong Yi back so he can see his face, study it. All it takes is for Bai Zong Yi to go back in yet again to continue their kiss, and then it’s all over for Fan Ze Rui. He’s all in. His hand goes to Zong Yi’s face, to his neck, and before we know it he is pulling himself in to Zong Yi’s lap from the floor so  smoothly. 

Reunion Sex 

I initially was only going to focus on the Ep 6 Ai Di x Chen Yi and the Episode 7 Zong Yi x Ze Rui moments in this post, but I am so in love with the structure of the reunion sex scene that I absolutely had to talk about it. 

Again, I do not understand how actors work because Hsu Kai just knocks it out of the motherfucking park. I love that when Fan Ze Rui rouses from sleep and starts muttering under his breath and engagin with Zong Yi, you don’t need any visual confirmation from the story whatsoever to understand that Ze Rui definitely has actual dreams of reuniting with Bai Zong Yi. And you don’t need that additional confirmation because of how Hsu Kai sells the talking in his sleep moment here when he’s riding on the pills and alcohol. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

He blinks through heavy lids and reaches out toward Zong Yi instantly, his smile is absent and dreamy, and unrestrained in a way that genuinely impresses me because I feel like it is hard to pull off acting the kind of drowsy you are when you’re still trapped in the limbo between wake and sleep when you’re not actually experiencing it. Ze Rui’s touches are unrestrained, his eyes are barely opened under their own weight, and he’s loose and droopy still when Bai Zong Yi lifts him in to the hug. Ze Rui’s bones look heavy and his muscles look loose, and he’s not really able to maintain his own structure as a result. Settling back flat pretty quickly have Zong Yi has released him from his embrace. 

And then the light changes and the setting gets dreamier despite the fact that Ze Riu is actually starting to wake up, being reminded this is real, Zong Yi is real with grounded touches that we see in close up. And I am so sad we don’t get to see Ze Rui’s face at the exact moment of the scene when it clicks for him that this is real, because it happens during the close up of the hands (which I am also fine with :D). But when we pull back out into the wider shot, Ze Rui is already sobbing against Bai Zong Yi’s cheek. And Ze Rui tries his damndest to be his normal jokey, smiley self once he knows what is happening is real, because that’s who Zong Yi loves, and that’s who Zong Yi deserves after all the pain he’s suffered for Ze Rui but instead he just…breaks. Y’all I lost it at the way all the strength just falls away from Ze Rui’s voice when he says “kiddo”. How small he sounds when he says he’s sorry. The meekness in his voice during his own apology speaks volumes for how important it is, how much weight it carries. Because Ze Rui knows what happened to Zong Yi over the past four years. He knows all of it. He knows that Zong Yi went to prison to protect him, he knows that Zong Yi got attacked there, he knows that Zong Yi has memory problems now because of it. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

He has all of this guilt that is driving the way he interacts with Bai Zong Yi in their interlude here. By the way: “It’s been 1,573 days. Did it hurt?” is joining my list of Incredibly Devastating Lines. And it’s not just because of the line itself, it’s not just because of the way Bai Zong Yi shakes his head no. It’s especially devastating to me because right before Ze Rui asks the question, he slides his hand up to the back of Bai Zong Yi’s head and massages it a little bit with his thumb, like he’s trying to rub at an ache in hopes of getting rid of the pain. It is in no way the focus of the scene, and the action is mostly cut off and regailed to the edge of the screen, but jesus fucking christ it did wonders for me in terms of selling the scene. 

Anyway, Ginny was right, the body language was incredible, and I’m glad I didn’t watch this live or else I’d have gotten zero sleep writing essays every day of the week about some of these scenes

[ofcowardiceandkings]

companion piece of young Zelda

AAHH i finally finished something :'D

it actually took more thought to trawl through my feelings about Link as a child than Zelda but we got there idk man i just knew he exudes gremlin energy as a 17 to 20-something year old so he must have been a little demon as a kid gfkdjfkd

we're sort of looking at roughly 4, 7 and 10 years old here feeding sum pigeons, playing soldiers, and doing some baking !!!

more detailed Thoughts under the cut 💙

iiitssss customary ranting about my BotW/TotK opinions tiiiimeeee welcome my darlingsss jfkdjfkd 💙

like i said, this took more thought than Zelda, but we also dont know as much about Link's upbringing so thats fair

having said that, we know his father was a knight - a prominent one - and its hinted at that his family may have owned the Hateno house you can buy from Bolson. im not sure if i land on it being the family / childhood home or belonging to like a grandparent but i like to think Link spent time in Hateno as a kid (im a great fan of bumpkin Link with a country accent aight im a simple man). no mention of any OTHER family members, but imo i think his mother was still around and he probably had younger siblings !! he DID probably spend a fair amount of time in Castle Town just due to his father's job though, to be fair he probably travelled a little as a youngster a-la army posting yknow ... moving on tldr that explains why i've got a bunch of Hateno-esque clothing here aside from us sort of not knowing what the average joe Castle Town citizen from back in the day would have worn idk man its cute also

SO, pigeons !!! i'll definitely expand on this later when i go over more livestock now ive finished TotK but listen i wouldnt be in the least bit surprised if pre-Calamity Hylians had domestic pigeons for sending messages or just for hobby, so here's a first look at the Castle Town Carrier, the Hylian army's best flying friends. Link's just out here feeding his fathers' cohort's messenger birbs :3

stimky boy plays soldiers with a stick and a pot lid and a tub, classic and good, he was probably like ... actually tactically aware at this age though lets be real lol i bet it was annoyingly impressive

C A R R O T C A K E its a bit wonky, but i bet it tastes great :') id imagine Link probably spent a fair amount of time helping around the house and boy loves his food !! some people develop those skills early !!! i bet he was one of those people !!! any chance to get involved and learn how to make his faves and make them for other people yknow, food as a love language everyone HEYO (bowl there is chickaloo tree nuts, hazelnut analog eyo)

ghfjkdjfkd i said i didnt have much to say about this but oops

[svkhky]

šimon nemec interviewed by matej zrebný, one of the comedic kings of czechoslovak internet.

“questions no one but matej zrebný asks. what does šimon nemec think of the mexican wave?”

“hello, you are…”

“šimon nemec.”

“hi. so, working with the puck. you’re good at it, thank you for coming from the nhl. people are worried about one thing.”

“what?”

“the mexican wave. isn’t it a little embarrassing some people didn’t stand up?”

“i mean, it is embarrassing, because us players try sitting and standing up and the people don’t react.”

“what do you think of the people only sitting and watching like at the movies?”

“well, it’s not good. they should be cheering but unfortunately… they paid for it and they can do whatever they want.”

“shouldn’t these fans trade tickets that actually want to cheer?”

“well, probably before the game they said they’re going to cheer and then they don’t, so it’s pretty much a lie.”

“šimon…”

“yeah?”

“why do you play for slovakia if you’re german?” (nemec means german in slovak)

“that’s a very good question, i don’t know myself. if i did, i’d tell people earlier, but i’m still looking for the answer, too.”

“what do you think of today’s puck?”

“it was black like usual… they could change it, though.”

“the fans are complaining that when you watch hockey on tv, they can’t really see it - they want it to be made bigger. at least five times the size. your opinion?”

“they can make it bigger on the tv so we’re bigger as well. they’ll see us better, too.”

“is your last name a tactic against the germans, to get them to pass to you?”

“yes. they’ll give me the jersey, too. to infiltrate their team and listen to some strategies.”

“what do you think about the petition going around for hockey to be played on rollerblades?”

“i haven’t signed it yet and need to really think if i will. but sometimes it makes sense, because the ice is really slippery.”

“a riddle.”

“i’m listening.”

“in the water, good swimming’s a must, on land, they bite the dust.” (i tried to make it rhyme, ok?)

“wow, that’s really difficult.”

“a penguin… šimon, i wish you good mobility on the ice. thank you.”

[witchywitchy19]

Normally I dont get involved with such things when fans of Drivers go toxic against other drivers.

I come onto the Lewis Hamilton tag because it brings a calmness into my life seeing my favourite driver doing something like co produce a film about the first american women motorbike driver and his fashion looks.

However today on my break I was greeted with this.

I know in TeamLH, we do have some toxic people and the stuff they say is not acceptable on any level however all drivers have a level of fans like this for example Max fans in 2021 with their death threat to Lewis or Alonso fans with the black face and crymilton posters during the mclaren years.

Yes defend your favourite driver if you must, call out those toxic fans but...

Do Not come for Lewis with the same amount of hate your trying to defend George from.

To say Lewis is egging his fans to be toxic and say all these horrible things about george, that he wants to see this chaos reign.

To say he is encouraging these fans to attack George. That his personality is so fake.

Yes Lewis at one point had not been a good team mate but look back on the fucking grid on when he was a little shit on the track. Sebastian Vettel had his dark era when he didn't give a fuck, Fernando Alonso with his screw everyone era with 'I knew he would break, hes got a wife and children at home'. Michael Schumacher was a terror at one point. Nico Rosberg using dirty tactics and everything he knew about Lewis. The older grid did not compete in karting with one another except for a few, they were all cut throat with one another. They were brutal

But they enjoyed that.

This grid, a lot of them grew up with each other so they are a lot softer with one another.

Lewis and Nico both let a championship come between them. They were both at fault for it all not just Lewis.

Valterri's mental health was down to the team and how they led the drivers, Lewis may have not been aware of it. So to say Lewis actively contributed to it, like he knew he was doing it. Fuck off. Lewis was coming off a year were his childhood friendship was gone, Nico retiring, pushing all his focus into the championship and going up against Sebastian. There were times Lewis helped Valterri.

To say he is trying to break George. Lewis has sent praises to George from time to time. 'Its incredible, hes done an amazing job today, he had great pace, hes been so solid these first three races and hes working and really grafting away, hes doing an amazing job'

And this bullshit of he doesnt do well with being second or he only knows how to drive in first. This is complete shit.

For Lewis its racing, it doesnt matter where he comes, he wants to race. Hell he even enjoyed the hell driving from Kevin back awhile ago.

So if your gonna defend your driver then go ahead but do not come for a driver with the same level of hate worded differntly as the people your trying to defend your driver from.