I might be crazy with this one but hear me out
Batfamily PLATONIC soulmarks
Were it's a black blob that starts to take color that gives away it's form when you met said people, the more people you'll get, the bigger it is
At first, Bruce's parents were slightly worried upon seeing their son's mark, one that covered his whole torso, back and front, with only a little blank space in the place of his heart, where a tangle of lines seemed to met
Nor Thomas, with his years of medical experience, Martha with her wisdom or Alfred, who had seen far more than many, had ever look at something similar, although, they we're soon relieved, "Bruce will deeply love many people, and many people will return said love"
When the boy started to gain cognition, some color finally appeared in between all the black, a collar of pearls, like Martha's favorite, an scalpel, the one Thomas works with, and to Alfred's surprise, a cup of tea, mirroring the one he was drinking when they discocevered it, one that also connects all three to the tangle of lines around the heart
After that night, though, Bruce thinks it's impossible he'll ever get more, he doesn't want to get more, if it means he'll feel the same pain as now if he loses more of the people they represent
Then, many years later, after taking Dick in, a blue bird mid fly colors itself, a faint line joins the tangle.
He sighs whenever he sees it, after his son is not at home anymore, it doesn't faint, but will it really get better?
It happens again, when he finds a boy trying to steal his tires, it's another bird, a red one, it looks as if it were giving you his back, but it still connects to the hearth
It hurts to look at it, it's worse than before, he gets why it doesn't look at him now, he failed Jason-
Then, a few weeks into adjusting to Tim, he sees a new mark, and- it's a lighter tone of red
Another bird. This one is on a branch, it is making a nest
Then, when a girl comes in too, another bird, a purple one, sits on the branch with Tim's, this one also seems to be looking away
Just like Steph, he thinks
Along them, the shape of a smiling bat hangs upside down from the same branch, black but visible by golden edges that give away it's form, Cass
There are few more, here and there, hints of green when he met Barbara and Jim, Babs seem to fake the form of a hand next to Steph's and Cass's
Yellow, red and blue combine into two familiar symbols after he mets Clark and Diana, the only time he ever complains to his mark, why these people, why them, they're idiots
They're his best friends, but still idiots, he will never tell them, but they probably know anyway
Then, a new bird appears, and so does a color, a deep shade of green, this one looks like it's about to attack a prey
But, as Bruce gets time to know Damian, he realizes, it's not attacking, it's protecting the rest of the picture
A yellow figure of the sun gives it light, when he mets Duke
Maybe all the lines in the tangle have color then, maybe not
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as long as i’m here (no one can hurt you)
| alessia x reader
| hurt/comfort
| 3.1k
| disclaimer: mentions of anxiety & self loathing -this gets dark so please read at your own discretion!
| a/n: based of this req! initially was supposed to be really fluffy but then somehow it just became 2/3 angst soooo welp. honestly it started off really strong imo but idk what happened towards the end, but oh well. not proofread as usual. anyways, take care amigos, happy reading!
~~~
Your heart’s in your throat and you don’t know how it got there.
Your heart’s in your throat and the world around you’s dark.
Your heart’s in your throat and you don’t know where you are.
All you know is you’ve gotta go- you’ve gotta go fast- because if you stay any longer, the voices are going to catch up.
They’re going to catch up and they’re going to tell you- no scratch that- they’re going to remind- they’re going to remind you that aren’t good enough.
They’re going to remind you that there’s better, that there always will be someone smarter, more athletic, more confident, more outgoing, more fun.
They’re going to remind you that none of this is real- convince you that everything is just fake. That you’ve lost your mind enough to devise your own reality, where nothing exists yet everything is perfect.
They’re going to remind you that you aren’t worthy. That you’ve fluked your way through life- everything gifted to you, everything undeserved.
It’s the way it always goes. You running and running and running, only stopping either when the voices catch up or when you wake up, and if you were honest, you don’t know which one you prefer.
It’s not that you’d be dead, nor is it that you didn’t want to be alive.
It’s that you don’t know how you could explain to the sleeping girl beside you that even with every second you lay asleep, the voices in your head don’t cease.
That each time she comforts you as you wake, shirt damp with sweat, shuddering breath escaping your lips, the words get louder in your mind.
And with each circle rubbed into your back, or reassuring word mumbled against your tangled hair, you think about how she could do better, better than you, better than this mess of troubling dreams, this mess of tangled voices, nonexistent but real to you, shouting, screaming, yelling, reminding you, telling you, letting you know.
You aren’t good enough, nor will you ever be.
She deserves better, better than you.
You’re a fraud, a fake, a phony.
The words repeat and repeat and repeat.
~~~
It’s the third time this week, and it’s only Wednesday, that you wake up, heart racing, palms sweating as you try and regulate your uneven breaths.
It’s new to you, this whole nightmare thing.
You’d even go as far as to call yourself a lucky child, able to count on one hand how many nightmares you had when you were younger.
Now? Now though, it’s a miracle if you sleep through the night.
You don’t know when it started- maybe sometime between the middle of last season and its end- when all you saw attached to your name was negative chatter.
Flooding comments on social media calling you unreliable, unworthy, unneeded for your team.
Offhand remarks of how you could’ve played better, could’ve done more, didn’t deserve a starting position, maybe would be better as a late sub, for the sake of the team.
Maybe it was when you spent countless hours post practices perfecting your free kicks and running shots, only to be told to not take them as much, the dismissing tone in your coach’s voice clear, disapproval clear in their eyes.
Words said and said and said, their intent to hurt, to prick, to wound successful.
It was those words that rang out in your dreams, among the thousands of other outcries you were used to having directed your way.
You thought you could take it, firmly believed so.
You were a professional athlete for fuck’s sake, a little bit of verbal battering was nothing you couldn’t handle, right?
At least that’s what you told yourself each time you woke up in cold sweat, mind exhausted, heart tired as you tried to remind yourself those opinions weren’t facts.
As usual, it led you to now.
Now being you stiffly lying on your side of the bed, the room bathed in darkness, only the sound of Alessia’s soft snores to be heard.
Swallowing hard, you shuddered as fragments of your latest nightmare floated through your mind.
This one was different from the usual.
This one might have even been the worst.
The nightmare had started off as they typically do, the realistic image of the team’s pitch clear in your mind.
It seemed to be a replay of a normal game day.
Arsenal dressed in their bright red jerseys, your opponents in a shade of blur, all the same but unidentifiable- not like it mattered much anyways- you didn’t need much convincing to feel how real it seemed.
It felt like a normal game day, but you saw yourself in third person, following yourself on the pitch like a drone, able to see each mistake you made so sharply, so distinctly.
You watched in horror as you tripped over your feet. Your heart dropped as you passed the ball directly to the other team. You’re nearly in tears watching as each tackle you made either did nothing or nearly took out the opposing player.
You looked on in fear as the crowd begged for you to be subbed off.
Your own home crowd, cheering any time you lost the ball, any time you slipped and fell, any time you erred.
As much as it hurt each time the dream played out, this was normal to you.
You were used to this.
Used to the sinking feeling in your stomach. The flips it would do as you felt your heart break, the realization that maybe you just didn’t matter, the thought that you didn’t need to exist floating through your mind as your throat closed up.
The sinking feeling as you realized you were unwanted was nothing new.
The knowledge that you just weren’t good enough was basically a mantra ingrained in your mind.
So even though it hurt as if it was new each time, you were used to it.
This was normal, no matter how many times it occurred, night in night out, it had become a part of you.
What wasn’t normal though, was how the game faded away slowly for once, a new environment blurring into your vision, the once typical dream changing drastically.
You tried to shake your head in your mind, very much disoriented at the unfamiliar setting.
You weren’t at the field anymore. The green grass you were always so used to seeing, the one that haunted you now in real life, gone within seconds.
Instead, in its place, was a dark atmosphere, bright lights flashing occasionally as you felt vibrations hum through you rhythmically.
Hearing laughter coming from your left, you whipped your head to the side.
Mere metres away from you stood the rest of your team, all dressed to enjoy a night out, drinks cradled in their hands.
You were at a club.
Chest constricting as you watched the girls peer over at you, then laugh, you felt your face flush, embarrassment seizing your ability to breathe.
Quickly turning around, you searched for Alessia.
Alessia usually made the anxiety go away.
Alessia was safe.
Alessia.
You needed to find her.
Pushing your way through the mass of crowded, faceless bodies crammed in front of you, you tried to look for the blonde.
The further you went though, the smaller you seemed to get.
With each step you were taking, the room seemed to grow in size, the people around you taller, peering judgmentally at you as you pushed through, the faceless partygoers somehow displaying a clear emotion of distaste at your presence.
You could feel your heart beat faster with each second.
Too many people.
You needed to find Alessia.
Too many people.
You couldn’t breathe.
Too many people.
Alessia.
Continuing to push through the mass, air getting harder and harder to breathe, you closed your eyes, blindly moving forward.
Squeezing your way past the final few bodies, you felt yourself stumble as you came across a hallway, the door at the end of it bathed in a dim glow.
Maybe she was there?
Unable to stop yourself, your mind pleading for you to do so but frozen, your feet carried you towards the light.
You wanted to find Alessia.
You needed her right now, and you’d do whatever it took.
Hands shaking at the uneasy feeling in your stomach, you approached the door, fingers reaching out to rest on the door.
Surely Alessia had to be here, right?
You’d soon get your comfort…
Letting out a shaky breath at the thought of finally being okay soon, in the presence of Alessia, you pushed the door open, ready to feel okay, only for your eyes to widen as you felt a lump form in your throat.
No, surely not. No…no…no…
Frozen in your spot, you stared, white as ghost, at the sight in front of you.
There, in the dark room ahead, was Alessia.
Except she wasn’t alone.
Eyes flitting between the blonde and the faceless body in her arms, you felt your world crash.
There she was, your girlfriend, your Alessia, arms wrapped around another person that wasn’t you.
Another person that had their body pressed against hers in a way that was most definitely not friendly, not platonic in the least.
In front of you stood the two, hair dishevelled, their eyes as wide as yours, mouths agape as they realized they’d been caught.
In front of you stood your Alessia, in the arms of another, as you finally felt the ground slip away from beneath you.
~~~
You knew it was just a dream.
You knew she wouldn’t cheat on you.
You knew it.
You believed it.
You felt it, each and every day that she loved you.
Yet, in this moment, darkness bathing you as the silence stretched on, the sinking feeling in your stomach and the way your heart still hadn’t stopped aching since you’d woken up told you otherwise.
Furiously wiping the tears that had fallen from your eyes, you tried to do your best not to sniffle, lest you wake your girlfriend up.
You already had a dream about her cheating- you didn’t want to go and make your night worse by waking her when she so desperately needed her rest.
Doing your best to take deep breaths, you tried to regulate your shaky breathing.
Slowly inhaling and exhaling, you paid keen attention to how much noise you were making with each gasp.
You needed to be quiet- had to be quiet.
She couldn’t see you like this.
No, you wouldn’t let her.
Taking a chance, you slowly turned your head to the side, eyes tracing the faint outline of the striker’s face as you wiped another round of tears on your hands.
Every single fibre in you wanted so desperately to reach out, to be in her hold, to let her soft murmur comfort you like countless times before.
But you couldn’t.
You’d get through this night eventually.
Closing your eyes in frustration at the impending headache you knew was coming, you pressed the heel of your palms harshly to your eyes.
You’d be okay. You’d be okay. You’d be okay.
Repeating the words to yourself, you whined in frustration, unable to find yourself to believe the words.
It was only when your eyes stung due to brute force did you realize what you had just done, freezing as you heard shuffling beside you.
Holding your breath, you felt Alessia’s arm reach out blindly towards you, sleepily patting around, trying to find your body, her even in her sleep ready to take care of you.
You couldn’t have her wake up for you, not again. Not when it’s been multiple nights of her waking up, holding you till the dawn breaks, treating you ever so carefully, so delicately,
Letting go of the breath you were holding as you heard the movement stop, you closed your eyes as more tears of frustration escaped.
How many times- how many fucking times were you going to wake up each night? Why, why for the love of god, could your mind not be normal?
Flexing your jaw as you tried to force your emotions away, you didn’t see the way Alessia sleepily awoke from beside you.
Mind preoccupied by not waking up the Gunner, you didn’t realize that she had long since been awake, trying to give you the time to collect yourself like she knew you wanted.
In all honesty, the blonde had been up before you had been.
Recent days had oddly trained her to sleep a bit lighter. The combined with hearing your mumbling during your dreams had easily woken her up.
She’d let you be though, well aware that you hated that she woke up each time.
So she laid in silence, doing her best to continue her sleepy state, hoping that the night didn’t get too horrible, that she didn’t have to step in, for your sake.
She stayed awake though, lethargically alert, ready to jump in if needed.
Throat tightening up when she heard your sniffles, the furious movement of your hands as you wiped your tears away quietly pulling at her heart strings, the blonde quietly laid there as you dealt with the storm in your mind.
A stalemate of sorts, an inevitable cycle of hurt.
Slowly but surely though, your sniffles died down, movement slowing as you calmed, initial stabbing pain at the nightmare slowing until it became a dull ache.
It’s then that Alessia chose to take her chances, knowing you were easier to talk to after you had ridden your wave of emotions.
“You think you’re hurting me each time you wake me up, but I don’t think you realize how much it pains me to see you like this…”
The words a near whisper into the darkness, Alessia waited a beat before slowly turning to face you, head resting on her arm as she faced you.
Please let me help you.
The plea went unsaid.
Continuing, the whispered words brought on another round of damp eyes.
“You think you’re protecting me, but if it’s just hurting you more and I care for you, are you really succeeding?”
Let me be there to comfort you.
Feeling her heart start to pound at your silence, Alessia wondered if you’d fallen asleep.
Raising her head to try and decipher whether you were awake, she waited as a beat passed, and then another, both without an inch of movement from you.
Shaking her head at the cruel timing between her speaking and your presumably sleeping state, the blonde opened her mouth to sigh, only to be cut off by your timid voice.
“I hate it enough that I have to go through this…it’s not fair to make you go through it too…”
The shaky admission had the blonde’s breath catching in her throat.
She never once felt forced to be there for you. Never.
The fact that being a burden to her had you holding back so significantly pained her to hear.
If the constricting of her heart at your quiet sobs had hurt, then the admission nearly felt like being stabbed.
You weren’t a burden- not to her. Not now, not ever. She just needed to make sure you knew that. Believed it.
“You’re not making me go through anything. I want to be there for you. I want to be able to hold you through the good nights and the bad. Especially the bad. You aren’t a burden to me…”
Swallowing lightly at the prolonged silence that followed her words, Alessia continued, shuffling closer to you until she was nearly pressed up against your side, only a sliver of space between the two of you.
“You make it seem like me loving you is a burden. That I can love you only when you’re perfect...when you’ve got it all together and don’t need a shoulder to cry on.
I don’t want that though. I don’t want to love you when you’re pristine. I want to love you when the days are dark and it’s raining so hard that you’re confined inside. I want to love you when it’s four pm and you didn’t sleep the night before and you’re grumpy because your coffee’s too cold. I want to love you when you can’t remember what it’s like to be loved. When it’s nearly three am and you’re having a nightmare and you don’t know who to turn to. That’s when I want to love you- when you need it most.”
A silence blanketed the room at the end of Alessia’s admission, only the quiet hum of the electrical wiring to be heard.
Feeling her cheeks heat up but not finding it in herself to care- to be embarrassed- the blonde took her chances.
Slowly letting her arm come to wrap around your midsection, she pulled you close.
With you still laid on your back, the side of your torso pressed up against the striker’s front, your hands gently intertwined as she found where it rested under the sheets, she continued.
“Not waking me won’t do either of us good. Yes, you could deal with it on your own, but you don’t have to, okay? I want to be there for you. I want to hold you when things get tough. I want to love you. You just need to let me do that…”
Feeling you nod in response, she moved to place a gentle kiss on your forehead.
Moving to lay on her back as she felt you turn towards her, the Gunner opened her arms in an easy welcome, gathering you in her embrace as you sank into her comfort.
Whispering a quiet ‘thank you’ at your understanding, she wondered out loud if you wanted to talk about it.
A quiet but firm ‘no’ escaping your lips, she nodded her head in understanding as ran her hand through your hair.
If you didn’t want to talk, so be it- as long as you let her love you, take care of you, hold you, it didn’t matter.
As long as you felt loved, because you very much were if Alessia had anything to say about it.
Hands coming to wrap strongly around you, you sighing contently at the warmth as you felt the tiredness of the past hour catch up with you, the pair of you drifted off into a dreamless sleep, Alessia’s last tiredly whispered sentence ringing reassuringly, protectively in your mind as the tension in your shoulder eased.
"It's easy to love you on your good days, but I want to love you on your worst. On the days you don't believe in love and don't think you deserve it, it's when I want to love you most. 'Cause I'll love you through all of them, now and forever, if you let me."
'If I could change the way that you see yourself, you wouldn’t wonder why you hear ‘they don’t deserve you'"
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