#the complexity of the situation is at least consistent which i really appreciate. things have escalated extremely but in such a way that yo

[zincbot]

bathearst is the best problem sleuth character

[prince-liest]

I just wanna gush bc omg I love the 666 series so much. I think it made me realize I might be... furry-ish? adjacent? I just find it so satisfying how you go into detail about the unique body features of both of them, the way it feels to have deer ears or kiss a TV and just generally how much thought is put into the way their bodies work, and I've realized that my interest in that kind of idea is a pretty good reason to partake in more explicitly furry media lmao. Anyways

I'm also really in love with how you maintain the balance of each of their personality traits. Vox is simultaneously so pathetic and cringefail (also your dialogue for him is perfect, I can hear it crystal clear in my head) but also he has vastly more emotional intelligence than Alastor, no doubt at least in part because he has to deal with Val, and he's able to marginally calm down with his obsession to deal with sticky situations, but even then he still retains his personality and bumbles things sometimes because of the flaws in said personality! It's great. I also really appreciate the balance you've struck with Alastor, I feel like often Alastor is either written to either soften up so immediately that it feels disconnected from his character or is written overly mean and heartless for my liking and the way you've written him is such a delicious balance between softer aspects such as the prey instincts or moments of vulnerability and his untouchable and manipulative self, and also the way this side of him is neither written as wholly a front or wholly his real nature and the complex ways this makes him struggle with his increasing vulnerability. TL;DR arghgr your characterization is so good it makes me go a little feral

Also while I'm here, I'm curious whether you can give an answer to the degree to which Alastor is touch-averse. There's obviously a lot of ways in which he fundamentally dislikes touch but it also seems like there's at least some kinds of touch where he doesn't dislike the touch itself so much as he's afraid of the way it brings about feelings of caring and/or enjoyment being cared for. I'm curious how much, in general, you would say his touch aversion comes from either cause and possibly what kinds of touch do/don't provoke those flavors of aversion

Omg, what a lovely ask to receive. Honestly, everything you said that you enjoy about how I characterize these two is very much what I've been actively gunning for, so it's an absolute delight to see it outlined back to me. Success!!! Thank you so much!

And ahaha - I'm not a furry but I fucking love inhuman characters. Being raised in the pits of Homestuck fantroll RP made me enjoy the whole "they're bug/fish aliens" thing and it definitely rears its head again any time I encounter characters with inhuman qualities. I love writing Vox's TV/computer-ness and Alastor's deer and radio bits, and integrating them into who they now are as people.

As for Alastor's touch-aversion: It's funny that you ask about this, because the next chapter of 666 is going to dive into it a bit. Specifically into the fact that it's not, like, a set of boundaries that is consistently defined, and I write him that way on purpose. The very first time he and Vox sleep together, Alastor bottoms. He becomes significantly less amenable to touch after he goes through an uncomfortable rut cycle that gets sexual. By the time Vox convinces Alastor to fuck him, Alastor would never let Vox do that again and frankly only agrees to topping because Vox gave him an option that didn't involve getting his dick out. Then in the next episode, they're having clothes-off sexual contact. So, what gives?

Things that play into Alastor's willingness to touch and be touched as far as Vox is concerned:

How does he see Vox at that point in time? Disgustingly entitled (ew)? Hilariously beneath him (haha who cares)?

Does he care about what Vox thinks of him? Does Vox touching him draw his attention to positive or negative assumptions he has about Vox's perspective on doing so?

What value has he attached to this particular touch in the power balance of their relationship? Is he humoring Vox? Does he assume Vox thinks he's owed this? Does he perceive it as something Vox is genuinely doing for him?

Has he tried this particular kind of touch before? He's pretty willing to experiment, but that doesn't mean he'll do something twice without a compelling reason if he didn't like it the first time.

Is he getting off on this situation sexually? If so, is it fully willing (read: not a byproduct of uncomfortable hormones) on his part? That only really happens when he's in a submissive role and Vox is hitting a few very specific kinks, a major one of which is basically CNC tilted 30 degrees to the left.

Is he enjoying the touch in platonic ways? How does he feel about that? Is it a vulnerability to want something? Is it feeding his ego to be catered to? Is he worried that what he enjoys platonically is being read into in ways he doesn't like?

Is he fucking drunk? Things that bother you when sober often seem like a non-issue when you're not, both on a physical and emotional level.

How much touching has been happening recently? Has he hit his limit? Did he deliberately put himself into a situation earlier to have his limit be hit and surpassed, and now he's in the aftermath?

He does have a certain fundamental purely physical dislike of touch, but it's something that is really affected by how he perceives each individual situation as well as his relationship with Vox at that time, and his previous experiences!

[ladyalienist]

What is your position on trauma-related conditions/personality disorders?

Hi! I’m really glad you asked because this is a thing I wanted to make a post about.

So, let’s first start with a bit of general context, shall we? I’ll try to make it as short as I can.

Psychologists and psychiatrists are different in many ways, but they both take care of the same kind of illnesses, distresses and problems, and hence need to communicate between themselves and create a taxonomy of the most common kinds of problems they face. In that taxonomy (DSM, PDM, you name it) it is understood, generally, that people might react to traumatic events in an acute way or in a persistent way (what we usually refer to as PTSD).

In that same taxonomy, personality disorders (PDs) are not seen as trauma responses per se: they are something different. Personality is defined as the unique and fairly consistent patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that distinguish a person from others. When something in the development of personality goes wrong and those patterns become consistently dysfunctional and hurtful to the person and/or to others, we have a PD. There’s currently about 10-15 of them that have a specific label, all with their specific characteristics: I’m not diving too deep into that because else this thing will become a whole essay and I’d have to charge you money to have you read it.

Now, one thing that seems intuitive but apparently was absolutely not to psychiatrists is that thought/feeling/behaviour patterns are not formed in a vacuum, and require a lot of interactions with external influences to be moulded into a specific shape: hence, a thing that isn’t that obvious is that personality disorders come usually (not always, but very often) from a deeply traumatic childhood.

Especially when it comes to the most (in)famous and debated personality disorder: the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which many feminists (me included) view as an evolution of the so-called hysteria psychs would diagnose women with in the 1800s.

It is, on many levels, the very same situation: we have young women who react to horrifying and prolonged abuse by becoming “bad women”, “untamed women”, and hence need to be corrected with sedation and institutionalization.

Many ladies here on Radblr are unwaveringly anti-psychiatry, or at the very least critical of psychiatry and of the BPD diagnosis altogether: they think that it is a pathologisation of natural responses to the horrific treatment little girls go through in way too many cases, and a tool of oppression in the hands of a patriarchal paradigm of health and science.

Now let me be clear: I understand those critiques and they are in many ways grounded and valid. This is a diagnosis that gets often given without an understanding of the personal history of the woman who displays symptoms, or gets given way too soon (PDs should not get diagnosed before adulthood and many women receive a BPD diagnosis when they are still adolescents).

I am myself… not exactly enthusiastic about psychiatrists and colleagues alike, and I do not appreciate the modern paradigm of mental health, but you already know that, for you asked this specific question.

The fact is that in other ways it is a myopic view of a complex and nuanced issue. My first problem with the General-Radblr-Critique-of-Psychiatry is that many many people do not understand a simple fact: psych language is edulcorated as fuck and a competent psych keeps that in mind. When a psych writes “difficulties in keeping care of personal hygiene” (non-political random example of a typical consequence of severe depression) it doesn’t mean “eh, haven’t showered yesterday because I didn’t stink”, it means “this person hasn’t showered in months because they cannot find the energy/they do not want to see themselves naked/they are actively trying to rot while alive and are succeeding”.

Another problem is that many people are not aware that PD diagnoses are actually… not that gendered: while it is true that BPD is more often female and Narcissistic PD is more often male, and socialization brings wildly different levels of destructiveness, there are men diagnosed with BPD and women with NPD, and they are not a statistical rarity!

The third and last problem is a direct consequence of the first: a thing many do not understand is that a PD diagnosis is not given because you’re a moody teen who is angry at misogyny.

It is mostly given when you are a fucking menace to yourself and people around you.

A person should get this diagnosis when they have a consistent pattern of destructive behaviour and uncontrolled emotional responses. These are people who self harm, who have risky behaviours (reckless driving, substance abuse and addiction, violent relationships) and who can and will treat others like shit with little to no reason.

Now, it should not be given to adolescents and this happens. It should not be given without addressing the causes, which often include sexual trauma or prolonged abuse, and this happens. Medication should be prescribed very, very carefully and this doesn’t happen. This is malpractice, and it is way too widespread. I will not deny that.

But here are just some funky tales of things people I know with that diagnosis did:

Set fire to the car of one of her ex BFs. Gleefully told me. The poor guy had done absolutely nothing wrong except leaving her, which was well within his rights. She absolutely could not understand why what she did was unacceptable.

Kept a merry-go-round between three different partners. Two of them were abusive pieces of shit. No amount of telling her that they were pieces of shit would have her convinced that they needed to be excluded from her life and that it wasn’t a good idea to keep fighting with A, calling B for sex and company, fighting with B, calling C for sex and company, fighting with C, calling A, and so on and so forth. This kept going on for years, I cannot stress this enough.

“I only like violent sex” (multiple people, on multiple occasions).

Cheating and then becoming flabbergasted at the partner’s anger, which was seen as cruelty towards them (multiple people, on multiple occasions).

Had a partner who absolutely loved and cherished her. Her response to compliments was, on average, “can you not?”. She would complain that she was ugly and no people would want to have sex with her: confronted with the fact that she did, actually, have at least one person wanting her, she blurted out “you don’t count”. Had the same reply for “I love you”.

Proceeded to find a partner whose opinion apparently counted: you guessed it, an abusive piece of shit. Could not wrap her head around the fact that the previous partner did not exactly want to stay friends.

All of this has to be added to the typical description: labile sense of identity, difficulty in understanding the limits in interactions, volatile emotions, black-and-white thinking, destructive rage, deep sense of void, self-harm and risky behaviour.

Does this look like something that should not be treated as pathological? Does this look like something that can go away with just some more compassion for trauma?

In conclusion: while I do agree that this is a diagnosis that can and does get used as a tool to silence the reality of gendered/sexual abuse on girls and women and it has an ugly stigma to it, I do not entirely discard it as useless either. What I’d like to see is a different paradigm in mental health, where people who have experienced earthly hell can find ways to heal (people can and do get a lot better!) and learn more constructive ways to deal with the world, but in order to do that we need to have a precise frame for the problem.

I hope I did explain myself, and if I didn’t please, let me know. I’ll try to be clearer.

[tixdixl]

DING DONG! for the dynamic ask meme!

malleus, silver and sebek for oisín!

OH HELLO!!! HI WELCOME IN

Thank you so so much for the ask. I really appreciate it!

This is incredibly fun- and your timing is impeccable because I've been writing a little ficlet that explores one of these dynamics a bit more.

I warn you, one of these is gonna be a bit of a read, so feel free to read below if you are so inclined~.

Malleus and Oisín: This dynamic is incredibly fun for me personally because it's a bit complex. See, first and foremost, I have to provide a bit of context here. For starters, with Malleus being the heir to the throne of Briar Valley, I'm under the impression he would know of the few dullahan and their respective territories in Briar Valley as they change and develop over the centuries. Naturally, on inverse, I'm under the impression everyone in Briar Valley knows of Malleus even if contact isnt made. So for them to enter NRC at the same time, in the same year, but to go into different dorms? I'm sure they start off respectively keeping tabs on each other- especially with the consideration pre-established relationship that Oisín develops with Lilia prior to their induction to the academy.

However, things change over time as Oisín runs into a bit of a snag. See, Oisín came to NRC for 4 reasons. 3 are known to Crowley. 1 is kept secret from Crowley. That secret? Oisín's next target to bring to the other side has been identified as a student from Royal Sword Academy. And because of the nature of the situation, in which Oisín knows the location of their target but not their true name, Oisín realizes that this is going to require a conspired assassination of sorts. But they run into a block when it comes to gathering information and realize that Malleus may actually have some insight that could prove useful to their mission. As a result, they approach him with a deal: [If you can provide me with insight and information, I will pay it back with anything you perceive to be of value.]

And Malleus asks for a friendship of sorts. He asks for someone not from Diasomnia to share information and hang out with him- oh, with the idea in mind that they wouldn't need to be watched by Sebek or Silver, and Oisín would be able to exist in a space without having to hide their true nature. While the power imbalance leads the two with a bit of an awkward start, they do evolve into having a very amicable and casual relationship for the duration of their studies... or at least, until such time as Oisín finishes their task.

Silver and Oisín: So this relationship also has a lot of history, but explaining their dynamic takes less context. You ever think about what its like to interact or worse go to school with the person dating your dad? Well, Oisín has been courting and dating Lilia since WELL before Silver was found. Silver certainly appreciates how much Oisín consistently loves and respects and values Lilia, and that in everything that has happened, that has never changed. But also, thats his dad's partner.

On the other hand, Oisín has a lot of compassion and respect for Silver. They never once pressure Silver to see them as like a step parent, and they have no intention to intrude in his life or force any kind of dynamic with Silver. But that's their partner's kid. And they just want him to thrive as he grows into becoming an adult.

Sebek and Oisín: Sebek grows to respect Oisín as they become a consistent presence in Malleus's life and as Sebek learns of their relationship with Lilia. But that doesn't mean he's not incredibly frustrated by the circumstances that Oisín is in. He hates the fact that Oisín is sorted into Ignihyde, and even when Lilia tells him that it makes sense and to not press on the matter, it still doesn't sit right with him. He also doesn't like that Oisín actively hides their identity as a dullahan and that they wear a TV monitor on their head. He fails to empathize and understand, despite many of the others making efforts to dissaude his apprehension and confusion.

Oisín tolerates Sebek. They acknowledge and respect his role and his background, what little they do know about the boy. But Oisín is a very subtle and often introverted and quiet fae. Sebek has absolutely caused their circuits to short on a time with his sudden yelling. They also find it difficult to navigate their passive secrecy around Sebek, and try their best to be respectful when he won't stop asking blunt and prying questions.

[manadolls]

I really hope you don't mind the ask- you made a post on FMS in February, and we recently learned we're a HC-DID system. we were wondering if you know how to tell if something is a memory or imagination? we have plenty of suspicions but no proof or even solid memories

hello!! i dont mind you asking at all! (i actually rlly appreciate it)

CW: as this is a post about HC-DID, there will be mentions of RAMCOA, but not in detail. back away from the post when necessary and tread with caution, but also keep in mind that the post doesnt go into any detail of any abuse

we have the same situation, we dont have much (if any) physical proof as to what went on in our past, we only have our memories

something that kinda helped us with figuring out is:

when its more of an imaginary thing, it will most likely only occur once, or if it occurs more than once, then the imaginary thought will most likely not be the same as it was before. there will usually be at least one or two differences within the imaginary thought, unlike an actual flashback

when it comes to flashbacks, the memory will be reoccurring and mostly consistent (though, the flashback doesnt always have to be 100% like the actual event that happened. it may only have a couple of altercations, but not many if there are any in the first place)

the flashback will most likely cause some sort of emotional and/or dissociative response out of you. since the memory is a flashback instead of imaginative thoughts. since you're thinking of highly complex DID, the flashback has a chance to cue some sort of programming. which is very terrifying, but as time goes on, you all will hopefully find some sort of management with the programming, rather that be a headmate that isnt programmed/isnt cued at the moment fronting with the cued alter, someone you trust watching over you while the programming is cued, etc, etc. its up to you and your system to figure out what helps best when it comes to situations like that

also to keep in mind:

the imaginary thoughts will most likely come up when you see some sort of post about RAMCOA-related trauma. your imagination will think of how the situation occurred, and thats okay. as systems, we all tend to have very wild imaginations. but, if the thought occurs many times and feels more and more vivid and real, then i think at that point, you can probably consider it a flashback, or something similar

thank you for the ask, and i hope you and your system are able to figure some stuff out soon :) just remember to tread lightly and to not rush anything. its very fascinating to learn, but remember that your mental health comes first and backing away from that sort of content is very much necessary

[mercurymushroom]

Kamala Harris made her career by locking up Black people in the Bay Area. Her track record consists of terrorizing Black communities through the prison industrial complex. She then became the top cop of California. Her track record consists of rampant anti-Blackness. Not only did she fight to maintain prison slavery, but she also fought legislation that would require her to investigate the brutal executions of Black folks by the police. Kamala Harris is also anti sex work. She repeatedly sued backpage despite many sex workers advocating to keep backpage as it kept them safer than being on the streets. Kamala Harris is an example of a Black person weaponizing their Black identity to excuse the violence they have committed against the Black community. Take Kamala Harris’s race away from the equation and judge her by her actions. Her actions are those of a white supremacist

Kamala is not a Feminist Badass.  She’s not a “future is female” moment.  She’s not a girlboss, she’s not “black girl magic”. 

SHE IS A ZIONIST, MARRIED TO A ZIONIST, WHO SUPPORTS ZIONIST POLICIES UP TO AND INCLUDING THE ANNEXATION OF PALESTINIAN LAND AND GENOCIDE.

She’s happy to help kill Palestinian women, denying them a future, keeping them from being successful and showing off their shine and spark and personality.  So I don’t wanna hear fuck all about how her presidency is a glass ceiling moment or #feminism. She’s a perpetuator of the status quo and a staunch supporter of genocide.  I mean for fucks sake she just met with AIPAC and enthusiastically spouted her commitment for their right to “self defense”, which is not a right they have as an occupying force - WHICH THE UN ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THEY ARE. 

There is literally no justification for these behaviors, actions, and violence.  Because those actions are not self-defense … those actions are genocidal, murderous, and cruel.  But Kamala Harris has no conscience.  Any world leader who would still support Israel after 9 months is intentionally genocidal.  They know what these people are doing is wrong and they DO NOT CARE. 

Lastly.  And this is where I really lose my fucking shit.

YOU PEOPLE COULD’VE RALLIED BEHIND THIRD PARTY CANDIDATES.  YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT KAMALA.

YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HER POLICIES OR HER STANCE ON ANYTHING.

BUT JOE SAID “SHES IN MY PLACE NOW” AND ALL THE SUDDEN IT’S #SLAY #GIRLBOSS #IM WITH HER.  Fuck you.

Joe Biden handed her the reigns and all the sudden you forget where she stood for the last 9 months while Joe continued America’s involvement in the genocide of the Palestinian people. And let me tell you something, anything a government is perfectly comfortable doing to people outside of their country, they are perfectly fine with doing to people INSIDE OF IT. You are not exempt from these cruelties, at least not forever and you will be subjected to it further down the line if you keep touting that stupid fucking nonsense about how we need to focus on ‘harm reduction’ when you don’t mean it, or choose the ‘lesser of two evils’, when there’s no such thing involving a situation with ANY evils.

Thankyou for informing me on her past. Many people have come and corrected me and I appreciate that. I'll make sure to put more effort in actually knowing the facts and not blowing up when presented with criticism.

[pazodetrasalba]

Faith (& 2)

Dear Caroline:

In a previous letter I wrote about religious faith and the lack thereof, and briefly, about my faith in you. I think it would be reasonable to expand a little bit on this issue in the light of the Charm and Strange letter and this September posting of yours.

These lines read uncannily premonitory for your present situation, as right now a lot of people are thinking (and saying) horrible things about you, and will keep doing so in the near future. It will be good if you can stoically assimilate it, Heloise mode, with the same equanimity you recommend above, and I don't think the situation is 'terminally bad', but then again, it is really, really bad, as in gut-wrenching, career-destroying, time-in-prison-and-scarlet-letter-for-life bad. It would be highly disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

Yesterday I was reading one of the less cruel and insightful digs by Matt Levine, your fantasised internet boyfriend (like you move into a big house with a bunch of your young friends planning to [use your magical trading abilities to save the world from evil AI wizards][do drugs and steal tons of money] and you are like "oh i'm a ravenclaw"), and found myself thinking that the potteresque simile that comes to my mind is something on the lines of 'How could Luna Lovegood actually have ended up joining the Death Eaters?!'.

Even worse than the outer voices, though, are the inner wails of one's own conscience. And assuming you retain your consequentialist-utilitarian frame of reference, the fiasco to which you have been accessory has resulted in sky-high, massively negative consequences to a huge number of people that from a pain-reducing-calculus-perspective have probably written off all the good you have done in the past as well as seriously compromising the causes you support and believe in. World optimization has actually ended up in World pessimization.

Now precisely because my ethical views lean more in the intentionalist direction, I think I can make a more forgiving judgement of yourself than the one you are probably making. As I have repeatedly written, I am confident that you labored with good and moral intentions in mind, even if these were bent by possible reasons that do not require repeating. And your intentions are, if not good enough for the world, at least good enough for me.

I can already hear the counter-argument, which you yourself could make, that would lambast my sympathy and foregrounding of your plight as opposed to the numerically higher and underserved suffering of betrayed FTX-Alameda customers and workers. In this regard, I think my answer would be twofold, and again in line with my own philosophical and moral a prioris: the first argument would be that I empathize and am intellectually aware of these people's pain, but in a way, I can't visualize and interiorize it because of lack of investment and human contact with them. And this is partly the case I was making some time ago about the limitations of EA's 'equal measures' and treating all people as interchangeable. It is the suffering you see close to you and on people you know and value that has the greater power to effectively motivate you, and I find it hard to imagine how one can really emotionally invest beyond a circle of closeness to which you somehow do belong, Caroline, as a result of my having read your blog and feeling a natural affinity to a person that in many ways reminds me of myself and the people I tend to love and appreciate. Call it bias if you will, but I have no intention of spiriting it away.

My second argument would be an appeal to a degree of Humanities-trained expertise in the critical reading and interpreting of texts and stories, their consistency and reliability, and in squarely refusing to accept simplistic explanations of complex phenomena (it could be argued that the only thing we Humanists actually do is fret over words). Even taking into account St. Teresa of Avila's dictum (I am surprised at your saying that you know this young woman merely from having seen her. We women are not easy to know (...); and you are wrong to judge them only from what they tell you), my impression is that all the pieces of the puzzle of texts you've generated, directly or indirectly, all paint a picture that is inconsistent with that of a fraudster or any sort of person in bad faith.

One page that I have taken from your book is a certain openness to risk, which in any case would only have the cost of making me look like a fool if I am proved wrong, and I'd say that such a price is a bargain. So I will be keeping my faith in you, on your honesty and on the potential for good that lies within you, and proclaiming it as well to all who would care to read. Here goes my -not Pascal's- wager.

Quote:

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast

Saint Paul, Letter to the Ephesians

[blinddogfanfic]

Okay, so, uh, Hello!

It's been a while, I know. I'm really sorry about that, about not having posted in so long.

I am still working on the next two chapters! Which is about how much I think is going to be left in Tsundoku, in all honesty.

Before the riots begin - that isn't going to be the end of the series! I have a sequel planned after I finally manage to finish Tsundoku, although the chapters will be of a more manageable length.

When I started writing Tsundoku, even before I posted that first giant chunk that was later split in half, I was in a different place. Writing was literally an escape, I was unemployed at first and then job jumping, and also very depressed and stuck in a rather one sided and controlling relationship. Pumping out 20k for a chapter was literally me trying not to think about or deal with the situation I was in, to escape in a very real meaning of the word. I couldn't afford to eat more than once a day and I was avoiding hunger with either sleep or writing, and I'm a chronic insomniac, so...

I did more writing than anything else, because I was trying to process but didn't have any other outlets.

There are a few hundred other projects I was writing at the same time as I first started making up Asuka, although I had only had the courage to post Tsundoku when the time came.

So now, I work an average of 50 hours a week - not counting OT on the weekends, despite how often I work Saturdays - and I help my sister take care of her children. I have to send money to my family frequently because I'm the only one with steady employment - I'm trying to work up the energy to work on that problem next - and there have been some truly horrible things happening since ye old apocalypse started.

There are other responsibilities in my life now that make working on such long chapters a really trying task. Exhausting.

You may have seen me posting new things in other fandoms - and even Naruto! - but honestly I was trying to not fall completely into writers block. Into burnout. Those chapters are a blip compared to the heavy things that Tsundoku chapters are. Practically brain candy in comparison.

When I started to post other things even while writing Tsundoku, it was because I knew that I was starting to hit my creative limit and was terrified of losing what I'd created. Of fading out with an incomplete work that people complained about.

Everyone says that you shouldn't rely on fandom to pull yourself out of real life problems. That comments shouldn't be about validation or be what makes you're worth something. You shouldn't take negativity to heart or let yourself revolved around your inbox.

Tsundoku, and the people that it has brought into my life, the confidence and self worth - no matter how unhealthy the means - saved my life. And kind of my soul, in a creative sense.

Not to go into a lot of drama or anything, but I'd never been called anything like a good writer before I started posting. I got accused of plagiarism in school because my teachers would look at me in my ill-fitting, third hand clothes, knowing the home situation I came from, and decided because I was consistently failing math that I couldn't write. The question "who wrote this for you" was one that followed me until I graduated, and it's been a weight ever since. Dragging me down, unable to appreciate my own creations or share them, because I knew that no one was going to believe it was good because it was mine.

You guys? You guys taught me that all of those teachers were full of shit. At least there was something to be enjoyed in what I'd created, and I - thankfully - haven't had to deal with plagiarism as a whole in fandom.

Thanks US education system, you gave me a complex that lasted literally decades.

Maybe I'll never write and publish a novel like I used to dream about. Never be that famous author that I'd wanted to be so I didn't have to live like I grew up even after I became an adult.

The response I recieved for posting that first truly ridiculous chunk of Tsundoku hit me like a punch in the gut. I think the first response was about the summary and the fact that it was misleading for the plot.

Of which at the time, I had no plans for. The plot. The chunk in the summary was just something random I had thought of that I had sort of wanted to put into the fic if I even got to that point. Part of the wave arc, I think? Then the commenter threw a chunk of my own newly posted fic at me, when i hadn't written and posted fanfic for years, and I realized "huh, that does fit. That's weird" because it didn't feel like something I would write because I'd never really considered my own shit worth much.

I figured, at posting originally in a panic, I'd read some truly unfortunate fic over the years, so maybe someone would at least look at it? I'm honestly not sure if I wanted someone to actually read it or if I was afraid of that very thing.

Not that the positive response would literally be able to carry me through a day. And yes, I'm entirely aware that that wasn’t a healthy response or interaction with fandom, but it was more than I had before that. I make "friends" very easily, but I don't have a lot of mental or emotional energy for face to face interaction, which kind of makes most relationships... fade.

You guys were my support, however unknowingly.

When I say I reread comments when I have a bad day, I mean it. I scroll through all of the - nearly 4k, jeez - comments in my inbox and reread them, letting the many and varied ways my efforts have been appreciated buoy me.

So when I say I am never going to abandon Tsundoku? I mean it.

Tsundoku may be a fic of ridiculous proportions in comparison to my other projects, but it's... it's my baby. A piece of myself that I put out not expecting anything good but ended up overwhelmingly wrong about. I put a lot into that fic, and it grew beyond my wildest dreams.

So, honestly, this is more of a thank you than a post about letting you know where I'm at.

Thank you, commenters, readers, my internet bros, for letting me love writing again.

I will never stop appreciating that.

[zuko-always-lies]

ATLA AU Idea which is Basically “Azula Raises Katara for Several Years”

I’ve had this idea kicking around my head for months, and, since I have no intention of writing it, I figure I might as well post it. To be clear, the premise of this fanfic is “Azula, Katara, and Sokka get traumatized in ways they weren’t in canon, but the events that traumatize them potentially help lead to a better outcome in the long-term,” so be prepared for rough sailing.

This idea is very much inspired by all the “Katara gets kidnapped young and raised within the Fire Nation royal family” fanfics, which I think can be excellent if done with care. However, in a situation where Katara and Azula develop a relationship when they are young, the natural tendency is to make Katara the “motherly” or parental one, and I wanted to turn that on its head. I also wanted to explore some of the possible implications of Azula taking on adult sized responsibilities as a child and of the perverse ways that power differentials can influence things. I also wanted to explore some of the ways that Azula’s commitment to duty and responsibility can be a positive thing. Another ~2000 or so words under the cut.

The premise is that, shortly after Zuko gets banished, Katara gets captured by the Southern Raiders as the last Southern Water Tribe waterbender and brought back to Caldera and presented as a trophy to Ozai. Ozai’s first reaction is to have her executed, but fortunately Azula is also present in the throne room. For reasons which Azula doesn’t entirely understand herself but which definitely have something to do with her guilt over what happened to Zuko, Azula decides to intervene, despite the risks involved. However, not being Zuko, she manages to do this without provoking Ozai, through convincing him that Katara is more valuable alive as a trophy, a symbol, and a plaything than she is dead. Ozai doesn’t really care that much, so he pawns Katara off to Azula and basically forgets about her, accidentally using language that implies to Azula that Katara and taking care of Katara is now Azula’s responsibility. Azula is at an age where she’s started to take her responsibilities and duties with deadly seriousness.

Katara doesn’t know what to make of this all.  She’s been severely traumatized by being kidnapped and torn from her family and culture and by having her life threatened by Ozai. She’s aware that Azula saved her life, but the language Azula used to in order to do so sounds warped and screwed up to Katara, who is unaware that Azula had to say what she said in order to manipulate Ozai.  Katara noticed that Azula seemed a little nervous when she talked to Ozai, but Katara doesn’t initially know how risky and dangerous what Azula did was.

Again, Azula takes her responsibilities with deadly seriousness. So, when it becomes her responsibility to take care of Katara, Azula is determined to do the best possible job, even though she’s 11 and Katara is also 11. If there were any responsible adults present, they would intervene and talk to Azula about how awful an idea this is, but there aren’t any left.  In any case, Katara’s waterbending abilities make it so she has to be kept under some kind of supervision, Azula is perceptive enough to worry that Katara might be mistreated if she got fostered out, and in any case Azula is convinced she can do a better job than any foster family.

Azula is a badly abused 11 year old who grew up indoctrinated in an absolutely toxic ideology. She’s never really seen good parenting in her life. The idea of her trying to parent should be terrifying. Yet she’s aware that Ursa didn’t do the best job with her, and since Katara isn’t a “monster” Azula sees no reason to replicate Ursa’s behavior. Azula believes the way that Ozai treats her is absolutely justified, even though she has some knowledge of its negative effects on her, but since Katara isn’t a princess who has immense duties to her nation and family, Azula sees no reason to treat her that way. In fact, Azula is aware of ignorance about parenting, and tries to read as much about parenting as she can. She also reads as much about the water tribes as she can in order to try to understand Katara better.

In terms of being a “parent,” Azula is overall a little standoffish, absent, and demanding.  She doesn’t need to directly look after Katara’s physical care(she has servants for that), but she has to look after Katara’s emotional needs, her education, and her overall care. As a temporary measure, she arranges that Katara sleep on a cot in Azula’s room because she’s not sure where to put her, and this arrangement becomes permanent. This means Azula and Katara usually eat together, since Azula has taken most of her meals in her room, but Azula is very busy with her duties, training, and education, so they don’t spend much time together in a typical day. Azula has Katara officially declared a servant(but one who only reports to Azula) in order to regularize her status and allow Katara to draw a salary(most of which Azula holds in escrow for when Katara comes of age), but Azula only rarely asks Katara to do work; Katara had far more chores back in the Southern Water Tribe. On the other hand, Azula demands that Katara work hard in her education and on practicing her waterbending. Katara is too old to be sent to the Royal Fire Academy for Girls, but Azula obtains tutors for her, in addition to getting her whatever waterbending scrolls she can and trying to obtain the best possible bending coaches for Katara’s waterbending, sometimes even stepping in herself to try to coach Katara.

Azula is aware that Katara wants to return home, but she doesn’t think that Ozai would ever allow that, and, in any case, Azula is an imperialist who thinks Katara is better off being “civilized” in the Fire Nation than she would be back in her ignorant and “savage” home.  A large portion of Katara’s education is intended to “civilize” her. Azula doesn’t have firm ideas of where adult Katara will fit into Fire Nation society but plays with the idea of marrying her into the nobility or of making her governor of the conquered Water Tribes. So overall, Azula does a shockingly good job as “parent” given she’s an abused 11 year child acting within the toxic norms of the Fire Nation, but that still means she does a bad job, and her relationship with Katara remains pretty toxic.

Ozai and the rest of the court have some awareness of what’s going on, but they honestly don’t care as long Azula continues to be an exemplary princess, fulfills her duties, and continues to exceed expectations. Some members of the court even find Azula’s personal commitment to “civilizing” a savage to be inspiring. However, the burden of taking care of Katara means that Azula is under even more pressure than she is in canon, with the good news being that Azula has something more of a support network than in canon. Katara provides some measure of support, and in this AU Azula never has the energy to really push Ukano’s political career forward, and so Mai never has to leave, so Ty Lee also stays put.

Katara, again, is severely traumatized by her experiences, and to a degree feels helpless. She knows that she can’t escape and go back home. She’s resentful of Azula and particularly of the efforts to cut Katara off from her culture, but at the same time Katara ends internalizing some Fire Nation culture. Yet after a while Katara gets a sense of how toxic the environment is at the Royal Court, and she soon(after overhearing a conversation between Mai and Ty Lee which was supposed to be confidential) learns what happened to Zuko and realizes how much Azula risked in order to protect Katara, and Katara can’t help but feel intense gratitude to Azula for it. Azula also gradually becomes more and more respectful of Water Tribe culture, and Katara deeply appreciates the emphasis Azula places on Katara mastering waterbending.  Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee are also the only people in the Fire Nation who are ever consistently kind to Katara, and Katara ends up deeply bonding with each one of them, although the resulting relationships are not the healthiest. Katara eventually starts to develop a sense of how each one of them has been deeply victimized by Fire Nation culture. Azula goes to great lengths to hide her own struggles and pain from Katara, but Katara spends a lot of time with her and sometimes notices. Several years in, Katara notices some positive changes in Azula and begins to play with the idea that she can positively influence Azula so that Azula will be become a kinder and anti-imperialist Firelord.

Azula thinks Katara’s waterbending is the coolest thing ever(well, aside from firebending at least), a sentiment shared to a lesser degree by Mai and Ty Lee. Azula also thinks that learning to fight is vital, so she brings Katara along for her spars with Mai and Ty Lee. Katara makes rapid progress, particularly due to her access to many waterbending scrolls. As a result of this, and of Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee not separating, all four girls end up being significantly better combatants than they were in canon.

Mai and Ty Lee have complex reactions to Katara, but they eventually come to like and even love her. There is an element of resentment present because Katara takes up so much of the ever busy Azula’s time, but Azula forces her friends to spend time with Katara, and they end up bonding with her.  Katara’s empathy and compassion works in her favor here, especially since she rapidly develops into one of the few people who sees and appreciates them for who they are. Mai and Ty Lee also find Katara’s waterbending to be an interesting and intriguing method of combat, soon come to respect Katara’s budding combat skills, and, as people deeply unhappy with their own places in society, they find Katara’s stories of life at the south pole to be interesting. Mai has issues with Katara being a little too “motherly,” but on the other hand appreciates that Katara pays attention to Mai’s actual desires and needs.  Ty Lee sometimes finds Katara to be a little too similar to her for comfort, but also at the same time appreciates Katara’s caring side and the way she’s not reluctant to give her positive attention. Frequently Azula is too busy to join her friends, so Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai end up hanging out together. Freaks and outsiders stick together.

Azula, through her research into the Water Tribes, personal experience with Katara, and interest in Katara’s waterbending, begins to subtly yet strongly move in anti-imperialist directions and doubt Fire Nation ideology, but her transformation has scarcely begun by the time Book 1 begins. She does benefit from better relationships with her friends, though, and Katara gives her some emotional support. Meanwhile, to a lesser degree Mai and Ty Lee have had their own doubts develop about imperial ideology.

Azula tends to see her relationship with Katara mainly in terms of responsibility and duty, but she ultimately comes to fiercely love Katara.

Zuko and Iroh do their things, just like in canon.  They receive vague reports about Katara’s presence in court, but they don’t understand the significance of them.

Sokka gets badly traumatized by losing his sister and believes her to be killed by the Fire Nation. Hakoda, Bato, and the water tribe warriors also still leave to fight the Fire Nation. Sokka is absolutely dedicated to seeking vengeance on the Fire Nation, and when he accidently defrosts Aang, he sees an opportunity.

Book 1 largely plays out the same, with minor changes. I think an interesting one is that Suki ends up joining a badly understrength Team Avatar and temporally leaving her warriors behind in order to aid Avatar Kyoshi’s reincarnation with the fulfillment of his destiny.

Book 2 opens with Azula being sent to capture Zuko and Iroh. Mai and Ty Lee tag along, in part with the hope of making sure Zuko is captured without being harmed, and Azula decides to bring Katara too rather than leave her alone in Caldera.  However, the operation goes south, and Azula, Mai, Ty Lee, and Katara soon find themselves hunting the Avatar. Katara’s loyalties are about to be tested like never before…Meanwhile, Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee all have seeds of anti-imperialism growing within them, but what will it take for these seeds to blossom and give fruit? Meanwhile, Azula grapples with not only her canon trauma but also the trauma she experienced through her parentification.

[cades-outsider]

Robby Keene X Reader

Warnings: Little Angst!

Not just a Secret

  Let's get one thing straight, keeping a secret from your boyfriend is not that easy. Especially when it's as big as your secret, you see from the time you were young you always admired karate. Other kids thought it was dumb and would rather play video games or whatever.

  You felt there was no hope for you seeing as, there were literally no karate dojo's available in your area. Only a car salesman by the name of Daniel LaRusso who won a karate battle with an illegal kick but you get the picture.

  It wasn't until someone by the name of Miguel helped spark Johnny your sensei to have his own dojo. You and Miguel were pretty close, you ran into him at the mini mart on your way home where you also met Johnny.

  He was sitting on a curve enjoying his pizza when a bunch of teens decided to get into some trouble with a boy smaller than them.

From most of your karate experience which detained of watching old karate moves on YouTube came into handy when they tried to start with you. You immediately caught Johnny's eye as you; someone 10 times younger than him knew about old time karate, though your stance wasn't completely stable.

Johnny decided to help you out seeing as there were more than just two or three kids you were going against and because they hit his car.

What you thought was cool was that You, Miguel, and Johnny all lived in the same apartment complex. You noticed Johnny a lot, but you knew from his personal actions that he didn't like associating with people.

After Miguel had convinced Johnny to open up his own dojo both Johnny and Miguel came straight to you. Well Both you and Miguel happened to run into Johnny who was looking for you both to tell you the good news.

You were eagerly ecstatic, having had wanted this dream to come true for a while. Johnny taught you a lot that you didn't know before, he was almost like a dad figure.

You see when you met Robby you hadn't know that Johnny was his dad and you didn't know the situation. It took a while for Robby to open up to you about his family issues in the relationship.

You guys were together for about 6 months before you knew about Johnny being his dad and how much he 'hated' him.

You knew Johnny for the first 3 months while learning a little bit of karate, and it wasn't until 3 months later you started fully going every day after school.

Yeah you could say whenever Robby told you who his dad was you immediately felt trapped. For the simple fact that is Robby hated his dad so much and knew how close you and his dad were he might not like that... he'd might even feel betrayed.

So you kept it a secret, which probably wasn't the best and definitely not the healthiest for your relationship but you wanted to keep Robby happy... but you knew if it got out he would not be the happiest about it.

Anyways, you were on your way to Cobra Kai... you guest it. As of right now Johnny had a good amount of students, including You, Miguel, Tory, Eli- also known as Hawk now, Chris, A**- Face as they call him, Bert, and a couple extras.

Practice was as normal as any other day, it consisted of sweat, pounding chest, and happiness. Karate brought joy to you, and you absolutely loved the way Johnny taught you karate.

You could tell from the beginning that Johnny was nervous and scared to teach more kids, you didn't quite know why but you thought it had something to do with his childhood maybe?

It was almost like he thought he was going to mess up, which so far he hasn't. Plus he has you and Miguel for reassurance which he didn't ask for but definitely didn't tell either of you to stop.

Johnny had let everyone take a 10 minute break while he worked on something in his office, a loud shout and bang was heard after less than a minute of him being in his office.

You and Miguel share a knowing look as everyone else's eyes stayed wide and scared, because when Johnny's mad he usually is shall I say more present with his actions.

Both you and Miguel get up from your sitting positions and walk into Johnny's office to see him with his head buried in his hands and the phone beat against the desk.

"Sensei?" Miguel questions worried.

"Yes Mr. Diaz? Do you need something?" Johnny asks, quite stressfully.

"Uh- I was just wondering if you were okay?" He questions softly.

"I'm fine Diaz, just stressed that's all" Johnny nods his head as an okay, Miguel nods and walks to the mats, as you stay behind.

"Uh- Sensei you know you can talk to me- to us" You comment, daringly.

"I appreciate that Miss. L/n" He says as he pops open his famous coors beer, leaning back into his chair.

You take a seat in the chair in front of him "what's wrong?" You question.

He takes a swing of beer keeping eye contact as he sits the beer aggressively down on the table "nothing is going my way, you know? I try one good thing and it escalates into two bad things" Johnny states, running a hand through his hair messing it up a little.

"Uh- Sensei, I can see it on your face you're not that hard to read. I know it might sound crazy but I know what you're feeling all I can say is that it will get better you're doing an amazing job at what you do already... so who says you're not already doing that one thing" You say softly.

Johnny smiles a little, but this time a genuine smile "that's very kind of you Y/n" he says as you smile, feeling accomplished.

"Is something going on with you? You said you knew what I felt" Johnny questions.

"Oh uhm actually I'm kind of stuck on something right now- I'm kinda doing one thing that I know would hurt someone I love but only just found out they wouldn't like it when I'm doing it and it's hard because I know how he'll react" You say nervously, as technically you just told on yourself.

Johnny nods his head in understand-meant "is he a lover?" He asks to which you nod yes.

"Well then he should understand right? I mean you're a great kid he would understand" Johnny encourages.

You smile softly "thank you" you blush of embarrassment from the fact that you know you literally just told on yourself.

"No problem kid, now go get into your stance" He says getting up as you follow, walking out of his office and into your follow in stance.

The rest of practice ended with a happier and more relieved Johnny. At the end of class Johnny asked both of you and Miguel to stay behind saying that he needed to give you both something.

  He leads you both to the trunk of his red firebird, which holds two black Cobra Kai Gi's "I wanted to give both of you these first" He says handing one to both you and Miguel.

  "Sensei this is- incredible" Miguel comments excitedly.

  "They're amazing!" You say excitedly.

  "Well you guys deserved it, you both worked very hard" Johnny says proudly.

  Miguel hugs Johnny until his phone dings causing them to pull away from the hug "sorry sensei that's my mom! Thank you!" He says before running away, over to his bike.

  "Thank you sensei" You smile slightly.

  "You can call me Johnny, Y/n but only out side of the dojo" He says as you give him a hug.

  See this is where it gets complicated, Robby had decided he was going to give his dad a chance and so he thought that he would come to Cobra Kai and speak with his dad.

  As he was riding on his board he stopped and picked it up as he arrived at his destination and saw you with his dad.

  "Y/n?" Robby questions walking up to the scene.

  "Robby-" You gasp internally, slightly freezing. You knew this day would come but not so soon.

  "Robby? What are you doing here?" Johnny questions, confused.

  "Well I came to talk to you but seeing as my girlfriend made it first it seems I don't need to" Robby spits out bitterly.

  "Robby I-" He cuts you off.

  "What you can explain? Oh please do, after I just told you too." He walks closer to you.

  "I guess now I know I should've never tried with you" Robby says walking away.

  "Don't talk to her like that" Johnny stands his ground walking over to Robby as he stops in his tracks.

  "Oh like you talk to me?" He asks sarcastically.

  "You know what I've had it, I'm done. We're done Y/n" Robby says before continuing to walk away.

  You couldn't just let him walk away, so you ran after him once he turned the curve behind the dojo "Robby wait at least let me explain" You plead.

  He stops once again before turning back around "what? What do you need to explain" he sighs.

  "Look I didn't know that Johnny was your dad until yesterday when you told me! I had no way of knowing but I knew that I didn't want to quit karate" You state.

  "Oh so you couldn't have just quit when you knew or at least have told me?" He grits his teeth, walking closer to you.

  "Oh come on Robby, just give Johnny a chance he's really trying" You plead.

  "Oh so now you're on his side" He says defensively.

"I'm not saying that I just thought that if I kept it a secret that I wouldn't hurt you" You say guiltily.

"That is not just a secret Y/n!" He yells stepping closer causing you to flinch accidentally.

  This action didn't go unnoticed to Robby, he immediately goes soft "oh Y/n- I-I'm sorry" He says going to grab your hand but you pull it away.

  "Just. Don't. I think we need some time to collect ourselves" You state before walking away from Robby and back to Johnny.

  "I'm sorry Johnny- I should've told you earlier" You say guiltily as you didn't want Johnny to feel some type of way towards you now.

  He nods his head understandingly "look Y/n. It's okay there's nothing to be sorry for, i actually would spin you two together if he wasn't being such a d*ck" He comments.

  You laugh at his choice of words "you mean ship?" You question.

  "Oh so that's what they call it" He hums as you nod.

  Johnny offered you a ride home, since you both lived at the same apartment complex and of course you agreed.

  As you walked through your apartment door you felt bad, bad about keeping a secret from Robby that would hurt him, but also mad because he had just told you Johnny was his dad so you had no way of knowing beforehand.

  Robby on the other hand felt terrible, he made you flinch. Worst of all he yelled at you which he would never do if it were a different topic, his dad was always a hard topic for him.

  Robby had decided to take action and visit your apartment, he hated being away from you for more than a couple days.

  He bought some of your favorite flowers and made his way to your apartment on his skateboard. Moments later you heard a knock at your door, your parents weren't home and you knew they would be here later so that confused you.

  None the less you opened the door to reveal Robby awkwardly holding your favorite flowers, a look of regret and sadness written clearly on his face.

  "Robby-?" You question confused.

  "Y/n hear me out please..." He pleads.

  "Okay... come in" You say holding the door opened for him more.

  He walks in and sets the flowers down on your counter "look I'm sorry for yelling at you like that, it was wrong of me but I was just upset" He confesses, looking down.

  You sigh "Robby it's okay, I know you would never hurt me like that it was just an instinct. I'm sorry to for not telling you" You say guiltily.

  Robby walks closer to you and grabs both of your hands interwinding them with his "no it's okay Y/n, I know you didn't know I shouldn't have pushed you like that" Robby admits.

  "It's know, I just thought if I kept it a secret it wouldn't hurt you as much...." You mumble honestly.

  He smiles a little "I think it hurt more, but now it's okay because I love you to much to lose you" He shyly admits.

  You smile, wrapping your arms around his shoulders "I love you more" You respond.

"How about we get some food and cuddle?" You question happily.

"That sounds amazing" Robby reply’s.

Even though Robby was desperately hurt at your actions, he knew it wasn’t your fault he knew that you didn’t know I mean how would you have known if he never opened up to you. Anyways life went on and eventually Robby finally spoke and sorted things out with his dad, though that didn’t stop certain people but it did save Johnny’s.

_______________________________________________

This was requested from Wattpad!!!

[sam-t-a]

Okay. 

*Deep breath* 

I think I’m finally calm enough to put into words exactly why I hated the finale and why I wasn’t completely surprised that I hated it. 

(Heads-up: this is really long and pretty negative. If you disagree, I would of course appreciate your point of view and love to hear it, but just thought I’d let you know in case this is the kind of post you would like to avoid.)

To me, it felt like every character on the show got betrayed in some way or another, but the main ones are Han Seo (devastatingly), Chayoung (obviously) and Han Seok (bear with me). 

Cha Young: 

She started out as a solid FL who annoyed some people for sure, but who had so much promise as someone unconventional and bold. The way her mother’s death affected her and caused a clear shift in her personality was a super interesting plot point that really never got explored. We have no idea how she came to sacrifice her morality in joining Wusang, just that she wanted to spite her father, which is a very superficial exploration. She gets cute idiosyncrasies in lieu of an actual character and an actual character arc. 

We also, halfway through the show, seem to forget that her father's death was the initial trigger. Cha young does not suggest bold ideas or intricate plans, she doesn’t fill the gaps Vincenzo is incapable of filling (because that would require that Vincenzo have flaws, and that’s not something the writers can abide), and she’s literally victimized in episode 19 and bedridden in episode 20, and that is IT. 

Someone who started out supposedly as Vincenzo’s equal just became another piece in his chess set, no matter how important a piece she may be. 

So her role as a badass avenger is trashed. That leaves her role as a love interest. Now, as Vincenzo’s love interest, she was supposed to get kidnapped in like episode 5 or 6 at the most if the villain has any brains whatsoever (Han Seok may or may not, more on that later). We need a reason for that not to happen too early. Cue villain is somehow in love with her for all of 15 minutes or so throughout a 20-episode series because a love triangle is inconceivable with the show’s current structure and for its purposes. 

So, she spends 15 or so episodes making the first move on Vincenzo, every time, putting herself out there, creating cute moments, getting nothing in return, and then he leaves. No confession, nothing much, he wasn’t even going to say goodbye or give her the choice of coming with him. 

I’m sure more chayenzo-oriented fans have already expressed all the necessary outrage over this, so I’ll move on to the part that I’ve personally been way more emotionally invested in from the get go: the Jang brothers. 

Han Seo: 

I was among the minority that  hated the “Vinny hyung” angle from the get-go and I’ve ranted about it in another post, so I won’t get into it here in-depth, but basically it was because I felt like Vincenzo hadn’t earned it, so to have the last words Han Seo hears be “You deserve to be my brother” or whatever the fuck he was on about PISSED ME OFF. It’s VINCENZO who doesn’t deserve to be Han Seo’s brother and hasn’t done a single thing to earn it. He was a good ally. The situation he allowed Han Seo to be a part of was beneficial to him, but Han Seo’s attachment to him was neither healthy nor heartwarming, and it certainly wasn’t returned on the level he offered it.

Vincenzo’s disregard of his death didn’t strike me as odd because I never saw enough indications that this was a two-way street and Han Seo’s safety and well-being came second so often that I didn’t get the impression Vincenzo was doing much to keep him alive. This is what I meant when I said the show was glorifying a torture survivor’s trauma responses. Han Seo himself, as a torture survivor, meant nothing to them. He was just there to create one more contrived comparison between Vincenzo and Han Seok. Instead of recovering from the trauma, it’s simply employed to someone else’s favor. He doesn’t go to prison for Han Seok, he takes a bullet for Vincenzo, and we’re supposed to see that as so much better.

All of that might (JUST MIGHT) not have ruined the show for me if he’d died better. 1) It was narratively pointless and totally avoidable, 2) they could’ve framed it as heroic, but instead Han Seok’s hand patting his head is pushing it down, so he can’t even get shot with his chin up and his back straight, Taec’s already taller, so the angle’s fucked and the whole cinematography screamed “kicking an injured puppy” and most certainly NOT “survivor finally stands up to his abuser”. The final nail in the proverbial and literal coffin is that he is mourned by no one. They’re FLIRTING not 3 MINUTES LATER, it felt so tone deaf and left such a bad taste. As I said, I didn’t expect significant mourning from Vincenzo (gotta say, I didn’t expect no mourning, that was a shocker), and Cha young and the tenants had no real interactions with him and no reason to mourn him, which left only one person who could. 

Which brings me to Han Seok. 

Han Seok started out as a solid villain, clear goals, clear skills that help him achieve his goals and basically make him a villain worth defeating, and a very complex relationship with both his own psychopathy and his brother. 

Let me get it out of the way: I do not believe Han Seok is capable of killing Han Seo because he had every reason and every opportunity to do so in previous episodes and couldn’t do it (I say couldn’t because a certain degree of reluctance is in itself inability). Han Seo’s danger far outweighed his material value the minute he shot Han Seok and then completely lost any value once he came out to the world as the chairman and it became clear that the prosecution would be going after him if anything happened, and not his brother. But time and again, he’s proven he’s all bark and no bite when it comes to Han Seo (killing-wise, specifically). 

The scene where he asks him to beat Vincenzo to death could be interpreted as him wanting to give Vincenzo the “painful death” he would have given him, but honestly, I think he was way past that point. He just wanted him dead in the “You crazy? we have to kill him before he kills us” sense. To that end, killing off a key ally of Vincenzo’s, who betrayed you and almost got you killed a bunch of times, should take priority, but Han Seok’s priority is reclaiming Han Seo by forcing him back onto his side. Now, much like his “love for Cha young”, Han Seok’s keenness on not killing his brother was essential to the writers so that Han Seo can justifiably make it this far and still be useful to Vincenzo (he can’t help if Han Seok completely excludes him from all events, plans and management processes, so Han Seok needs to want to keep him on his side enough not to do that even when it’s more prudent). 

All of this isn’t to say it’s unbelievable that he would kill Han Seo, but it’s DEFINITELY unbelievable that he would stay the same man after killing him. Someone here (I’m sorry, I don’t rememebr who) once said that Han Seo had become, over time, far more of a foil to his brother than Vincenzo was. To me, this means that Post-Han Seo Han Seok would be out of balance (tilted screen), unhinged in a way he never was before. The Han Seok we see shrugs and “oh, well”-s and moves on in a flash, not really any different from the villain he was four minutes and a whole brother earlier. 

This is very consistent with the way the show has been de-humanizing him from the start. I’m not saying this to defend Han Seok in any way, he’s a serial killer, an abuser and a total maniac. But you can be all those things and still a human being. In fact, you can ONLY be those things if you’re a human being. The show used its villain vs villain idea to justify a lot, but in the end, Vincenzo had to be a protagonist. He had to follow up every “I’m a villain” with a contrived “but at least I’m not (insert something worse)”. 

On the level of humans:

1) Vincenzo is supposedly different because he doesn’t hurt children or women (unless the women deserve it, and shooting a parent in front of their kid doesn’t count as hurting.) 

But we never see Han Seok hurting women or children either. In fact, if we proceed with the “chayoung is the myung hee of the good guys” comparison, he hasn’t hurt any women nearly as badly as Vincenzo did. 

2) Babel vs Mafia 

Babel’s corruption is compared a lot to the mafia, with Vincenzo commenting repeatedly that the people are WORSE than the mafia...which is bullshit. Babel is a set of companies that provide goods and services, but use illegal means to maximize their profit, so they hurt/kill people in the process because they want more money and care about money more than ethics. The Mafia is an inherently criminal organization that functions PURELY on the basis of its criminality. Every single dime Vincenzo spends is blood money. None of it is clean. And while we’re on the topic, I find the whole “taking Miri under his wing” thing pretty unreasonable too because he tried to have her killed you guys, I cannot believe we’re just glossing over that. He had everyone who worked on that vault killed, just random fucking construction workers. And he’s not sorry. And the show tells you he shouldn’t be. 

3) Repentance

Han Seok says outright he won’t atone, and while Vincenzo says no such thing out loud he just...doesn’t repent, I guess. He keeps the blood money, he goes back to being a full-time mafia dude doing mafia things. He leaves the same man he arrived. 

So, if on the level of harm inflicted upon humanity, Vincenzo and Han Seok are pretty much equal (and Vincenzo might actually be worse), then why should we root for Vincenzo? 

Well, my friend, that’s where the dehumanization comes in! 

I was initially very excited to see their portrayal of a psychopath because of the very interesting ways in which the informal moral code and official justice system surrounding a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist affect their behavior and their chances of not turning out rotten, and the show looked like it was looking at corruption in general. 

But as the show went on, the villain vs villain thing proved not to be enough, Vincenzo has to be better in some way (or if you’re as obsessed with him as the writers are, then ALL ways), so it became a villain vs monster narrative. Vincenzo isn’t ethical or fair or in any way interested in having a remotely positive impact on society, but at least he’s A HUMAN BEING unlike SOMEBODY. So, the characterization goes to shit, Han Seok becomes a cartoon card-board cut out of a villain and emphasis is put on how pointless his violence is, as opposed to how purposeful Vincenzo’s is. 

This is dangerous on multiple levels (and I promise this is the last point I’m making). 

1) For people in general, dehumanizing abusers/murderers/etc. makes us very liable to forget that you don’t have to be “a monster” to cause harm, and it makes people complacent in their belief that they are “not bad people” since they aren’t total monsters. The Banality of Evil is a thing, and in this series, it goes completely ignored. No one is inherently incapable of good or inherently undeserving of humanity. 

2) For victims of abuse in specific, it’s dangerous to portray abusers (including serial killer and non-serial killer ones) as entirely bad and unlovable, because it poses the dual risk of making victims less likely to acknowledge their abuse if it comes from someone who cares about or loves them on some level because the idea that someone cannot both love and hurt you is so stereotypical. Your abuser can genuinely want you in their lives and need you and, on some level, love you, and IT DOESN’T MATTER if that love doesn’t stop them from hurting you. 

On the other hand, portraying the victims of abuse as capable of flipping an off switch and hating the abuser with no hesitation or second thoughts to the point of unapologetically and cheerfully helping someone kill them and having no mixed feelings about it sends the message that if you CAN’T do that, then are you really abused? Are sure you’re not complicit in your own abuse? Do you even want to get rid of them? 

So this is basically why the way the show ended was so painfully disappointing for me. And the main reason it hit so hard was that it was initially so good and had so much promise. I really expected more.

[warlordgab]

LuNa analysis: Emotional and Intellectual chemistry

This is a special edition meant to help a friend explain this aspect of Luffy and Nami's relationship as potrayed in Oda's works (excludes the anime adaptation). It's no something truly new, it's more like a summary of multiple analyses made in this blog and other places.

The first time we mentioned this particular subject in this blog, the idea was to showcase the difference between "sexual tension" and the concept of chemistry.

Shallow fans sometimes used both terms interchangeably as if they were the same thing. Well, they're not.

Chemistry refers to the natural connection between two persons, a common feeling between two characters that leaves a impact strong enough to move their hearts and stimulate their minds. Needless to say, it's something complex, sometimes subtle, but very appealing.

It's not something tied to sexual attraction, and it's definitively not a mere infatuation. It's something much deeper than that...

However, some popular newcomers to the One Piece community mistake this concept with "dynamic." They may focus on character(s) they grow fond with, and then claim their dynamic is a sign of "chemistry" because of how much they like it.

The "character dynamics" would refer to the way characters work with or against each other within the story. While chemistry is about how the characters bond with each other throughout the story.

But then, how does LuNa showcase actual chemistry? By relying on more than one kind of chemistry.

We've seen it before, the development of a bond that grows naturally through mutual trust/faith, with the most importat trait being the capability of regulating the partner's emotions.

This kind of chemistry is marked by emotional support producing a remarkable attachment. In such a relationship, the distressed person feels comfortable enough to express their anxiety, grief, and helplessness to their partner because said partner is capable of providing with relief, comfort, and/or hope.

It's probably starting to sound familiar, right? LuNa fans would certainly think of Arlong Park and the pass of the hat, a gesture that provided Nami with the relief and hope she needed to stand up and keep going.

But, we have the moments from Skypiea too:

When she was overwhelmed by fear and doubts, Luffy does something similar, but this time is to remind Nami that she's the companion of the future Pirate King, and as such, she has nothing to fear. It was so effective that it led to a remarkable character moment from Nami, and her brief skirmish with Enel, in which she drew courage from her captain. That creates enough confidence for Nami to open her heart when there's something troubling her. Remember Water 7? After learning the truth about Robin's desertion, and shortly after missing the train Robin got in, Nami didn't seem distressed at all. In fact, she got up determined and unwilling to give up. But, how did she act when she got the chance to explain the truth to Luffy?

She and displayed the helplessness, frustration, and sadness she truly felt when she got to Luffy.

A smilar scene plays out when we get to Zou. Sanji was taken away, and while Nami seemed ok and even elated at the fact Luffy and the rest are back, is when she's in Luffy's arms that she once again expresses how helpless and anguished she feels...

This is how emotional chemistry looks like! It's not about meaningless flattery, flowery words, nor a mere infatuation. It's about growing attached to one another through a strong companionship, mutual trust/faith, offering support/comfort when needed.

Now, true chemistry occurs when characters affect each other in meaningful ways. And Nami also has an effect on Luffy. When Oda wrote the Strong World movie, we get to see how she affects her captain. When Nami got no other choice but leave a message in which she seemingly doubts Luffy's strength and capabilities, Luffy reacts this way...

This shows how much Luffy values the perception Nami has of him.

Another perceptive reader explained the difference between this situation and Ennies Lobby. During that massive rescue mission "Luffy is angry at Robin for not worrying about her own safety." In Strong World, the idea of Nami not believing in him is something Luffy takes personal. And as explained in multiple posts, we later learn Nami never stopped believing in Luffy, and the idea of Luffy hearing about it was pretty embarrassing to her.

Well, what about Intellectual Chemistry?

This is a tricky one, because most people think is having a similar level of intelligence. But, even in real life, it's pretty likely potential partners have different degrees of education, so they're not always going to perfectly click or match in this regard.

Then, how people can develop this kind of chemistry under such circumstances? One of concepts of intellectual chemistry is the capability of challenging each other's perspective and beliefs on subjects and matters relevant to both persons.

LuNa fits the second bit, for the greatest challenge each character's perspective has is the other's...

...Nami’s character from the very beginning had a very clear distate for pirates and had trouble trusting others. Her perspective served as not only a contrast to Luffy's idealism, but also as a challenge Luffy and his ideals had to actively overcome. This kind of chemistry covers other aspects that, even people who are not fond of LuNa, could see and mention. For example:

Unlike Zoro, Robin, and others crewmates who, more often than not, go along with Luffy's course of action without questioning their captain, Nami is usually the one who challenges Luffy's decisions. It makes sense given Nami's role, as she herself explained in Weatheria...

While Luffy is the one who chooses where to go, Nami is the only one can get him where he wants to go. She seeks to provide Luffy with the  guidance he needs to survive his journey. She’s the compass leading Luffy towards his adventures.

Now, Intellectual Chemistry not only consists of challenging each other’s perspectives, it’s also about openly discussing each other’s ideas with the right mindset, not because you’re trying to win an argument, but as a mean to learn more about your partner, and as a result, you get to better understand that significant person and both parts work together as a team.

In this regard, it's true Nami is one who questions Luffy the most, but  she doesn't actively try to change his mind, instead she attempts to get Luffy to rationalize his choices.  And once Luffy voices out his reasons and/or motivations for doing something, she offers her assitance and full support. We see one example in Skypiea:

At first, she questions why Luffy is making such a great effort to climb the beanstalk and fight Enel a second time, Nami even urges him to stop and flee with her. She keeps pushing until Luffy clearly states why he's not running away.

Nami could easily run away on her own, but as soon as she understands Luffy’s reasons, she stays, and they’re able to work together to ride the beanstalk so Luffy can finally defeat Enel.

This is not one-sided either. If we go to the Dressrosa arc, we got Nami communicating Luffy her plan of splitting into two teams to keep Ceasar and Momonosuke away from Doflamingo. 

And Luffy not only fully supports her idea, he even follows it up with a mission for the team that stayed at Dressrosa.

Another possible example could be one particular scene from the Zou arc. Luffy’s original intent was going to rescue Sanji on his own...

...until Nami reminds him how much he needs her and her navigation skills to keep going. Luffy accepts the reasons she gave him, and alters his original plan accordingly.

We can find other moments to showcase this aspect of their relationship, but to make things short, we can sum it up like this: when their different perspectives clash, they challenge each other’s ideas to the point of gaining a better understanding of each other, and end up acting according to that understanding, they display Intellectual chemistry.

Bonus: Physical Chemistry?

I wasn't going to include this one, but given a japanese fan brought it up ages ago, I decided to leave a couple of scenes that may fit the concept.

That japanese fan based his comment on Strong World, the movie written by Oda. To make it short, physical chemistry doesn't necessarily means "sex" either, it really comes down to how comfortable a person feels with their partner. However, the details and quirks in this particular kind of chemistry vary from people to people. Just like it can vary from writer to writer.

We often mentioned in this blog certain moment in Fishman Island, where Nami had no problem with Luffy wrapping himself around her...

...she indeed bickered with Luffy, but it was about Luffy's wanting to venture through a dangerous route rather than their physical closeness. A nice way to show how comfortable she feels around him. In contrast, she doesn't pull any punches, or thunders, when punishing people for pervying around her. Something that remains consitent even in the Wano arc (at least in the original source: the manga) Regardless of whether or not these count as “physical chemistry,” we can still appreciate how Oda crafted a solid emotional chemistry, and intellectual chemistry as well, in the way he wrote Luffy and Nami.

[dreamylyfe-x]

I agree with what you said about Ian and Yev, but I do think that Ian could have shown some kind of interest in Yev at least when he was feeling a little bit better. I mean, it's Ian, for me it's an inconsistency in the script that he never even asked for Yev again, but I'm talking *particularly* after he saw Svet with V and Kev (I'm remembering his horrified face when he found out about their relationship). 1/2

“But yes, I agree with you that it was a very difficult time for him and, in general, it makes sense, but at least in that particular situation, it didn't make sense to me that they wouldn't even talk about it again. Maybe it's more about the production trying to delete Mickey's storyline for good, but that's for another conversation. Thanks for you meta <3 2/2″

So: Confession. I wrote like... five variations of that ask and then finally cut it down into something I hoped was readable, because there was MUCH to say. In the first one I got into the fact that there’s the show and how it operates and then there’s the character... and in the end I decided to just cut all that stuff and just talk about it from a Watsonian response rather than a Watsonian/Doylist hybrid.  

But! New opportunity. I think we often talk about this phenomenon of the show dropping characters from its canvas entirely around the character of Mickey. But Mickey leaves the show at the end of season five and manages to pop up in ever single season except eight, and at least merits a name-drop a time or two when he isn’t around. That’s SO unusual for Shameless. Karen, Mandy, JimmySteve, Shelia and Sammi are all far more vanished than he ever was. Some of these characters have a degree of resurgence -- they might return for an episode, or get mentioned once or twice -- but they aren’t part of the story anymore. Like when does anyone talk about Shelia after she drives off in her RV? She was a main character for FIVE SEASONS and then it’s like she was abducted by aliens who also erased everyone else’s memory.

So yes, this is absolutely a thing they do. What’s really glaring here is that Ian and Yev remain on the show and the show doesn’t really want to acknowledge that they have this connection, because they’ve moved Svet away from the Ian story and put her in the Kev/V story. And at this point in the show’s history particularly, the Balls are increasingly silo’ed away from the Gallaghers. Like I love that moment where Ian notices Svet and Kevin -- but it’s sort of crazy that he’s only realizing this in 6x12. 

So while I think everything I originally posted about the reasons it makes sense for Ian to no longer have anything to do with Yev, I also agree that this is what the show does. It doesn’t seem to like to dive into it’s own history that much. Which is too bad, because it has a lot of it, and honestly, half the characters on this show have enough depth and complexity to lead the show. There’s SO MUCH going on with them. 

And that is why my ask responses are always so long. 😇

I do think it creates dissonance for the audience, particularly the most invested parts of it. Because to us, it’s very weird that Mickey and Ian have multiple conversations about kids and never mention that Mickey already has one. But at the same time, Yev deeply colours how the audience feels about both Mickey and Ian in the moment. Mickey’s hesitation and fear make sense, given what happened with Yev and his place in Yev’s life now. And Ian’s conviction that he wants to have a child with Mickey makes sense given that they have this history together. It’s weird that they never SAY THAT, because most people would. But I do appreciate that their relationship to kids has at least stayed consistent. 

[thestarsociety]

hey there, hero

Rating: T

Word count: 4.5k

Content warnings: mild blood/injury, likely inaccurate medical procedures

Summary: five times kira greeted bella, and one time bella greeted her back.

: : : : : : : : 1 : : : : : : : :

Bella pulled at the edge of her gloves, adjusting her stance on the roof as she observed the Citadel Solutions complex down below. It was walled (which, really, was no surprise, considering the name), but she had found a spot on a building high enough up that she could watch.

Something was happening in there. She knew it.

She had forgone her usual bright blue and yellow attire for a mostly black outfit. After all, Blink, local hero and above-the-board actor, couldn't be caught here. But, Bella was fairly certain she could get in easily with some well-timed teleports. She had a labcoat stashed in her bag that was at least somewhat similar to the garb of the engineers inside. Similar enough, she hoped, that they would let her pass by, once she was in.

She'd spent this stakeout watching the movements in and out, trying to time her entrance so she could get in with the least fuss. She was almost sure she had it. She took a deep breath, and repeated the plan like a mantra. Get in, find what they're up to, disappear. You can do this. You can do this. You can do th—

Boots touched down onto the roof behind her.

"Hey there, hero. What brings you to this fine rooftop?"

Bella startled, instinctively teleporting behind the newcomer. "Wh– who– how did you know I was here?"

The newcomer spun around to face her, tilting her head slightly and crossing her arms. She was slightly taller than Blink, and wearing a sort of armored suit. A hard shell mask covered the bottom half of her face, but her dark eyes were amused. She had warm brown skin, and thick wavy hair that fell past her shoulders, just above the backpack she seemed to be wearing.

Most eye-catching, however, were her gauntlets. They were bulky, covering her entire forearm, and when she moved her hand, Bella could hear the whine of motors.

In short: definitely dangerous.

"Hey, whoah, no need to break out the powers," she said, wiggling her fingers slightly. The motors whined. Bella swallowed. "Anyway, I asked first. So." She stepped towards Bella. "Why are you here?" The mirth drained out of her voice, replaced by a steely seriousness.

"Ah..." Blink floundered for a second. "Just... came up to enjoy the view," she said. It was... a plausible excuse. It wasn't like nobody had ever spent time on top of a building for a view before.

The stranger just looked even more amused. "You sure? 'Cause the locked door would say otherwise," she said, cocking her head towards the door which did, in fact, read "NO EXIT/ENTRY" in large red letters.

"Euhh..." Bella clenched and unclenched her fingers. Purple sparks began to accumulate, swirling around her feet. "I..."

There was a snap, and Bella fell onto her bed.

Quinn spun around from where he was sitting in her chair, a red lollipop in his mouth. "Oh, you're back early. How'd it go?"

Bella covered her face with her hands and groaned.

: : : : : : : : 2 : : : : : : : :

Fighting has never been Bella's strong suit.

She'd gotten better at it, sure, thanks to experience and sparring with Quinn. Her battle strategy didn’t consist of "teleport away from punches and hope for the best” anymore. But she still didn’t like it.

Case in point, feeling like she's totally floundering as she tried to fight a dozen robot drones. She elbowed one that approached behind her, then teleported three feet above one in front of her, letting gravity (and her steel-toed boots) do the work for her. She got into the rhythm of it, kicks and punches and smartly-timed teleports becoming a dance that she weaves and bobs to.

However, she's not a fighter, and when fighting on a rooftop, it turns out that drones sometimes do have a strategy.

Corner her towards the edge of the building.

Every time she tried to fight her way away from the edge, the bots herded her towards it. What they lacked in individual power they made up for in combined might.

Then, the worst happened.

She tripped.

Her scream lodged in her throat as she fell though the air towards the hard ground below. Wind whipped around her, hair flipping into her eyes as she frantically tried to gather her powers, visualizing somewhere safe and grounded and––

The momentum around her stopped as Bella was slammed into by someone flying through the air. Arms circled her knees and back and Bella opened her eyes to see––

Her.

The girl bridal-carrying her grinned, the edges of her dark eyes crinkling. "Well hey there, hero," she said. "Hold onto me. Don't want to drop you." Bella looped her arms around her neck and dared a look down at the ground below. They were. High up. So she kept her gaze on her unlikely savior.

"Why did you—"

"I'm a hero," she said easily. "Heroes don't let pretty girls fall off rooftops." She glanced down at Blink. "Uh, and if they did, they would catch them out of the air."

Bella's breath hitched. Her face flushed, and she was silently happy that her mask covered her cheeks. "Thanks," she mumbled, averting her eyes from her savior's face.

"Your ears are red." Bella could hear the stupid smirk on her face. "Let's get you on solid ground, shall we?"

Before Bella could say anything in reply, the stranger boosted whatever mechanism made her fly, and the wind whipped even faster. Bella buried her head in her shoulder.

When they landed and brushed themselves off, the armored girl turned to Blink. "I feel like we got off on the wrong foot." She extended a hand. "I'm Cavalier."

Blink didn't move. "...As in, arrogant?"

"As in, horse-riding knights." She tapped the Citadel Solutions logo, a horse, on her chest. Blink frowned. Of course she was with Citadel.

"Shouldn't that be Cavalry?"

"The force as a whole is Cavalry. Just one is a Cavalier. Also, c'mon, can you just shake my hand?"

Bella took her gauntleted hand reluctantly. "Blink." she offered.

"Charmed, I'm sure. Can I ask what you were doing? Those bots aren't meant to attack people.” Blink opened her mouth. “Also, would be nice if you didn't disappear on me again. I did just save you."

"I can handle myself," Bella bit back. "I have powers."

Cavalier shrugged. "You were falling pretty fast." She cocked her head. "It wouldn't have anything to do with the Citadel cell tower on that rooftop, hm?"

Bella's breath hitched. It did. Citadel Solutions had recently developed and installed cell tower devices that would monitor and report "suspicious metahuman frequencies". Essentially, anti-meta spyware. Bella and Quinn were intent on destroying them. Her stomach tightened. "I... can't tell you that."

Cavalier started at her flatly. "So, that's a yes."

"Listen, they're horrifyingly unethical!" Blink burst out. "Spying on metahumans? For no reason? It's ridiculous! We aren't inherently dangerous!"

Cavalier cocked her head. "Blink, just last week, a pyrokinetic couldn't control their powers and created thousands of dollars in property damage."

Bella threw her arms up. "I know! I was there! I am extremely familiar with what happened. So familiar, in fact, that I was the one who diffused the situation!"

Cavalier's eyes widened.

Bella continued on her tirade. "So I know that the solution isn't surveillance. Jamie just needed someone to talk to. Someone who knows what it's like. He needed help, not to be stopped by some kind of armed force," she spat.

"Okay, but one situation doesn't cover all of it. Citadel is trying to help people, to make the city better, just like you are."

"The intent behind it doesn't matter. This is going to impact metahumans everywhere. It's not okay."

Cavalier stood for a moment, her jaw opening and closing a couple times. Her eyebrows were furrowed. Finally, she hummed. "Okay. Thanks for not disappearing on me." She turned her back to Blink, getting ready to take off.

Before she left, she looked over her shoulder back at Blink. "I'm... not gonna report this. Just so you know. Thanks for your thoughts."

Her repulsors built to a high whine, and she lifted into the sky.

: : : : : : : : 3 : : : : : : : :

Blink hadn't seen Cavalier all night. They had gotten into a rhythm of patrolling together over the past few months: they worked better as a team than on their own, and games of rooftop tag always made it more fun.

Their first patrol had been awkward, for sure. Blink has never approved of what Citadel does, but when they're not pushing morally dubious tech, Cavalier was helping people. So when Cavalier approached her on one of her regular patrol routes to ask about "pooling their resources" since "I save people, you save people, really, we're on the same side, here," Blink and Signal accepted.

Through these shared patrols, they'd grown much closer. There was something about the late nights spent together that allowed their conversations to flow, to share their thoughts easier. Blink had grown to appreciate Cavalier's humor and wit, and cared about her quite a bit. Through conversations about possible team names (Cavalier was set on 'Starlets', but Bella was partial to 'Moonlighters' and Quinn to 'The Star Society'), things that happened at school (though they were both careful to never mention names), or even Citadel projects, Bella saw Kira as a total person and not just an extension of Citadel. She agreed with a lot of Bella's criticisms of Citadel, and Bella admitted where they did legitimate good.

She knew Kira now. Knew that she was laughed loud and cared louder, that she would quote random lines from things Bella had never heard of, that when she smiled, the edges of her eyes would crinkle.

Nowadays, they would patrol together nearly every night. Quinn would sometimes rib her about "not giving away team secrets," but Bella trusted Kira. Which was strange.

Blink was worried. Cavalier had a tendency to flake off, sometimes, but she would always at least shoot her a message. Today had been radio silence.

She completed her route alone, as the sun set low below the sky and the few stars that weren't obscured by light pollution made their appearance. Once she was done, she went to one of their favorite spots: the top of a building that was taller than all the rest in the area, so they could see everything, but couldn't be seen.

Sure enough, Blink found Cavalier sitting on the edge of the building, her head resting on her knee and her mask set on the ground as she looked over the blinking city lights below. This didn't seem to be her usual vigilant watch. She looked... tired. Contemplative.

"Hey."

Kira looked up at her, her head not moving from its rest on her knee. "Oh. Hey, Blink." She sounded exhausted. Her shoulders were slumped.

"What, no 'hero'?" Blink said, trying to lighten the mood.

Cavalier huffed a little laugh. "You know you're my hero." There was a smile in Kira's voice now, at least.

Bella sat next to her, letting her legs dangle and peeling off her mask. She looked at Kira from the side. She still hadn't moved. Her eyes seemed fixed a million miles away, as the lights of the city reflected in them. Thousands of pinpoints of light: windows, passing cars, neon signs, like stars in a dark sky. The glow brushed the planes of her face, accentuating the shadows beneath her eyes.

"Hey," Bella murmured. "What's up?"

Kira smiled a little. "Us?" Her voice cracked as she spoke.

"I am completely sure you've said that joke before," Bella said softly.

Kira's smile softened. "I think you're right. ...You usually are."

They sat for a while, watching the city. (Really, Kira watched the city while Bella watched Kira, and occasionally the blinking red cell tower.)

"I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I'm made for it." Kira confessed quietly. Her eyes were still fixed on the city.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," her voice wavered. "I mean, I don't know if I'm a good hero. If I can be a good hero. I know the kind of person my parents want me to be, what Citadel wants me to be, even what you want me to be. But I don't know what I want to be or–– or if I even have the ability become any of those people."

She sniffled.

Bella took a deep breath. "Kira," she said gently. "I've thought a lot of different things about you in the past. You know that. I've made sure that you know that. But something that has always stayed the same is this:" Bella turned so she was facing her. "Kira, you have proven to me a million times over that you are a hero. You're a good hero. No matter how much I've argued and fought with you about Citadel, about the Cavalry, whatever. I know Kira. And Kira is a hero."

Kira tilted her head towards her, and Bella could see stars reflected in the tears pooled in her eyes.

"Listen to me. The only person I want you to be is you. I like you. Whatever kind of hero you end up becoming–– and you are a hero, trust me ––I will want you to be that person. No matter what."

Kira sniffled, her lip quivering. She surged forwards, wrapping her arms around Bella's torso. "Thank you," she said, muffled into her shoulder. Bella held her until her breathing became more even, until her breath stopped shuddering in her ribcage, tracing circles on her back.

When Kira pulled back, their legs still intertwined, she looked up at her, eyes huge. "Thank you. Again. I needed to hear that."

Bella smiled at her. "It's just the truth."

"I– god. You're so good. I think I like you way too much." Kira sniffled. "Also, uh, all that stuff you said, about 'I like you no matter what?' Um. Ditto. Me too. I care about you. You're good people."

"You're good people, too," Bella said. She was sure she was red all over.

"Your ears are red," Kira murmured. "Hey, you ever think we're moving too fast? Like, I'm here spilling my guts about everything and how much I like you, and we've bandaged each other up more times than I can count, but I don't even know your favorite movie or your last name––"

Bella cut off her increasingly panicked ramble, stilling one of her shaking hands at the wrist. "My Neighbor Totoro. Jennifer's Body is a close second. And Vogel."

Kira blinked. "Iron Giant. And Singer-Veturi."

"Listen. We have plenty of time to move slow. Let's get dinner and see a movie. This Friday."

"Is that a date, Vogel?" she said coyly, testing the name out. She blinked up at her through her eyelashes.

Bella smiled, angling her head just as coyly. "If you want it to be."

Kira snorted, and they both broke out into laughter.

"I do," Kira said, without a hint of sarcasm. "I really, really do."

They stared at each other for a moment, grinning, before Kira took the hand that Bella was holding and cupped Bella's cheek. "Hey, can I––"

Bella nodded vigorously. "Please."

Kira leaned forward, and their lips connected.

: : : : : : : : 4 : : : : : : : :

Bella was inches away from slamming her head into her calculus notes when her phone pinged.

"Oh thank god," she mumbled.

Kira Cavalier: hekp'

Kira Cavalier shared a location with you.

Kira Cavalier: please it's serious thifs timr

Bella's heart caught in her throat. She tapped the location into her maps app threw her phone onto her bed, yanked her costume on in record time, and checked for landmarks around Kira's location. Locating a bakery on the street she was familiar with, she grabbed the first-aid kit just in case and teleported onto the roof.

She landed in a three-point-stance, immediately jumping up and looking for any sign of Kira. She grimaced at the familiar sight of a Citadel device on a nearby roof, but no sign of Kira.

"K—" what would she say? Kira? Cavalier? Either could be compromising to her identity. Eventually, she settled on yelling "K?! Are you here?"

Her phone pinged in her pocket.

Kira Cavalier: alleywy

Bella bounded towards an alleyway, leaping across it when she saw no one there. She silently thanked Kira for goading her into playing rooftop tag all those times. She was an expert at traversing rooftops now.

She saw a flash of purple in one of the narrower alleyways. She immediately blinked down. Purple sparks rained around her as she landed. She gasped.

There was a distinct coppery smell in the air. Kira was slumped against the wall, one gauntlet pressed against her side, where red was leaking through, staining her suit and her gauntlet. When she touched down, Kira smiled up at her weakly. "Hey there, hero." She tried to raise a hand to wave, the motors whirring, but she winced and lowered it gingerly.

"Oh my god." Bella dropped to her knees, kneepads slamming onto the concrete. "Why are you covered in blood? What happened? Can you move?"

"Uh, in order:" her voice was strained. "Sexy reasons, I fought some drones, and, uh, no. That's why I called you."

Bella began opening the first-aid kit. "Couldn't you call someone from Citadel? The Cavalry?"

Kira looked her in the eyes. "I was fighting drones, birdie. I was dismantling Citadel property." Before Bella could say something in reply, she continued. "I wiped 'em, don't worry. They won't be too retributive. Citadel won't know."

"That's not..." Bella said softly. "Why?"

Kira closed her eyes. "Milagro. That kid we saved last week. She's a metahuman and she lives here. She would qualify for surveillance. I couldn't..."

Something curled in Bella's chest. "Hey, listen. We're gonna make things right, okay?"

Kira looked at her and smiled. "Okay."

"Let's do this not in an alleyway, okay? I'm gonna teleport you to my room."

Kira sniffed. "Okay."

Bella wrapped her arms around Kira as best as she could, gathered her powers, and they popped in a shower of sparks.

Back in her bedroom, Bella gently placed Kira in her spinny chair. Kira protested weakly. "'M gonna get blood all over your nice chair."

Rooting through the closet, Bella glanced back. "It's fine. Honestly, Quinn will probably be more upset than me."

"Man likes his chairs." Kira said absently, head lolled against the headrest.

Bella peeled her mask off and dragged the larger first-aid bag out from her closet, unzipping it and pulling out the relevant materials. "I think you're gonna need to take off the armor," she said. "Is that possible."

"Mmhmm," she said. "But I think you'll have to help."

She guided her to the release on her mask and pulled it off. Bella set it aside as Kira licked her chapped lips. Bella frowned. "You should drink more water. I'll get you some after, uh." She gestured vaguely.

Kira sniffed. "Thanks."

They went through the process of gingerly removing her armor, Kira typing in the command to release the pressure and Bella peeling it off. Once the armor around her torso was removed, Bella lifted up the tank top above the wound on her side and cleaned it gently with alcohol and cotton. Luckily, it wasn't bad enough that she would need to go to a hospital, but she began securing it closed with butterfly stitches.

"So, how'd this happen? Usually you're a much more capable fighter."

Kira sighed and leaned her head back. "Both me and the drones are Citadel-made," she said bitterly. "My blasters didn't damage them as much as I expected. So they overwhelmed me."

Bella hummed. "We'll have to mod your blasters so they will, hm?"

Kira smiled. "Yeah."

Once the biggest wound was cleaned up, Kira removed the rest of her armor, including her gauntlets, and accepted a change of Bella's clothes. She was bruised elsewhere, but nothing that had to be attended to immediately.

"You should stay here," Bella said. It was selfish. She wanted Kira near her. But she was worried about what would happen if her parents saw her like this. "Tell your parents we're having a sleepover."

Kira shrugged. "They're too busy to notice," she said easily. Bella frowned. Kira just yawned, turning away. "I'm beat. Getting stabbed takes a lot out of you. You coming?" She asked. "Bed's big enough for two."

Bella smiled, filing that away under 'talk about later'. "Yeah. Let me clean up first, and I'll get you some water."

She gathered the bloody cotton and the gross tank top and shoved them into the trash can in the alley. She put the first-aid bag away, and stacked both of their costumes in the closet so prying eyes wouldn't see them.

She blinked downstairs to find her dad. "Hey, Dad, Kira's parents are out of town, so she's sleeping over here."

Her dad looked up from his book. "Oh, has she eaten yet? We have some leftovers we can heat up for her."

Bella nodded. "Yeah, she's asleep upstairs already. She went to bed late last night."

Her dad smiled. "I am never gonna get used to you just teleporting people in and out of here"

Bella rolled her eyes and grinned. "Dad, it has been like eight years since I got these."

"I'm your father! I worry about you! What if you get splinched?"

"Splinching isn't real. Don't worry so much, Dad. I am very responsible." She filled up a glass with water. "Alright, just wanted to let you know that she was over."

"Thanks. You know we like Kira," he said significantly.

Bella coughed. "Thanks, Dad! Goodnight!"

"Night, rabbit!"

Bella returned to her room with the glass. "Your water, my liege."

"Thank you, Sir Vogel." She took the glass and gulped it down, placing it on the nightstand. "Now come to beeeeedd," she said, reaching out her arms.

"Okay, okay!"

: : : : : : : : 5 : : : : : : : :

Bella woke up bleary. So, so, bleary.

She rubbed at one eye, shading a bit of the sun coming through the window. She buried back into the comforter, and rolled over to see Kira on the other side of the bed.

Oh. So last night wasn’t a dream. The injury, patching her up, asking her to stay for the night. Sharing the bed.

Bella sank into the bed and observed Kira as she slept, her chest rising and falling evenly, her lips slightly parted. She looked so different to the girl she'd spoke to on the rooftop months ago. Peaceful. She hoped she'd had even a small part in that.

She still found her just as pretty as she had on that night, though.

Kira began to stir, her eyes screwing shut before blinking open.

"Morning," Bella greeted.

Kira stretched, groaning a little bit. "G'morning." Done with her stretch, she settled on her side, facing Bella and looking into her eyes. She smiled, the edges of her eyes crinkling. "Hey there, hero," she said.

Bella couldn't help but smile back.

"Hey," Kira started.

"Hey," Bella echoed.

"You remember that time we were playing rooftop tag—"

"Oh my god." Bella covered her face with her hands.

"Wait, no, c'mon, you don't get to hide from this," she retorted, laughing. "You were it, and you tried to tag me, and you decided the optimal way to do that was by straddling me."

"Listen, it seemed like a good idea at the time!" she groaned. "And I did get you."

"I wanted to kiss you right then and there," she said, her eyes tracing the lines of Bella's face.

Bella started. "Oh. Yeah. Me too, actually," she said, bringing her hands down from her face.

Kira's eyes widened a little, but the expression was soon replaced with a grin. "Well, it's a good thing we have plenty of time to make up for it."

"Mmhmm. Wait, what are you— be careful––"

Kira hooked a leg over Bella's hip, flipping them so she was straddling Bella's hips and her arms were on either side of her head.

"Oh, you asshole," Bella giggled.

"Hey there, hero," Kira said, grinning down at her.

Bella pulled her down for a kiss.

: : : : : : : : +1 : : : : : : : :

They took Bella. They took Bella.

Tensions between the Moonlighters and Citadel had risen, and an ultimatum was presented: metahumans had to be controlled or neutralized. And Blink was the first meta to go.

Kira was so stupid. She should have seen the signs. The blueprints floating around for metahuman containment, the power-nullifying field generators she thought were purely theoretical. She was too busy living her stupid fantasy life of being a Real Hero, of running around the city with her friends.

She fired indiscriminately, warning everyone to get the hell out of her way. She'd spent hours and hours modding her gauntlet blasters, and now not even the Citadel Blast-Resistant Substance™ could withstand it. She descended into the complex, searching for the containment tubes.

And she found it.

Bella, held in a transparent tube, straps around her torso. Her head was lolled forward. The hum of electronics and the beep of a heart monitor filled the room.

Kira slammed the control panel, keying in the combo to release her.

Bella slumped out of the cell, and Kira caught her in her arms. "Birdie," she said, heart racing. "Hey, it's me, talk to me."

Bella sniffled. "Kira?" She looked up at her. She had a bloody nose that had since dried, the blood showing on her teeth as she grinned at her. Kira took a shallow breath in.

"Well hey there, hero," Bella said, eyes sparkling despite her injuries.

Kira's eyes welled up. "Shut the hell up, you're not funny," she said. "We gotta get out of here. Can you do that?"

"Mmphf. Gimme a second." Her head lolled forward again, and she gripped onto Kira's biceps. Purple sparks began swirling around them, and Kira felt the familiar sensation of teleporting, the mild nausea and rubberband snap.

But they were only about a yard away from the tube. Bella sniffled again. "'M sorry," she said.

"Hey, it's okay, that's fine," Kira said, adjusting Bella so she had one arm around her waist, letting her lean her weight on her.

"We'll fight our way out," she said, her arm blaster whining as it charged up and flashed.

[fanwright]

Gladiator: 200th Chapter Celebration

Tagging: @kigozula @seyaryminamoto

---

Seyary, this is a great milestone for you. Just want to let you know that I’m happy for you and impressed by the work that you have done over the long years of writing this story. You’ve inspired others to get into Sokkla as well as to have fun with the ship. Its been a great pleasure!

When I first picked up this story, I was still in college and rediscovering ATLA. Gladiator, as well as your other stories (which I recommend that others read as well) really cemented my liking for this ship. Years later, I’m still here, though all the ups and downs.

Now, despite me liking Gladiator a whole lot, I’ve admittedly fallen behind on catching up with it, chapter by chapter. That said, I do want to read it at my own pace and as I read more I still find myself loving the story, as there is much to enjoy. 

So, to that end, I’ll be commenting on the parts of the story I have been caught up with, Chapters 1 to 100. I hope that’s okay. 

---

1.) Favorite Character: Sokka

Now, this doesn’t mean I don’t like Azula. Of course not. And choosing one over the other is such a hard call to make that I would rather have them both occupy the same spot. But I decided Sokka in this case for a number of reasons. Others have commented on Azula in their own posts, so I thought giving my reasons for Sokka seemed only fair. 

We’ve seen Sokka change a lot over the course of the story and I seeing him morph into the character he is now is such a stark contrast to the one we saw at the very beginning. He hated the Fire Nation and was unwilling to cooperate with Azula. And yet, after trial and error and harsh circumstance, we have seen become a great warrior in his own right and the closest companion Azula has ever had, being her secret lover. It has been such a treat seeing him change and adapt and grow in this story. And as someone who really does like him as much as Azula, it was (and still is) a thill to see him get an all-star treatment in a story. 

And yet there are lingering complexities within him in this story, as far as I have gotten in it. There is still that awareness within him of who he serves and what he is doing, along with a nagging feeling of inadequacy that has hounded him at every turn. Bit by bit, either by his own efforts or with a little help, he is clawing his way forward internally to find some reconciliation. And I find that very compelling. 

And also its fun to see him thrash gladiators.  

2.) Least Favorite Most Dreaded Character: Ozai

Well, that’s not true really. I don’t dislike any of the reoccurring characters actually. 

The best way to describe this particular choice is “Most Dreaded Character”. I chose Ozai for this one because I dread the moment in when he finds out Azula and Sokka’s little affair. Now, again, I’m only on Chapter 100, so things could have changed by now. Yet, I believe still that if Ozai finds about about all this... a lot is going to change for Azula, Sokka, and even the Fire Nation. He will be a consequential character in the chapters to come and dread to see the his wrath and what that will mean for everyone else. It will not be pretty.

3.) Favorite “Antagonist”: Toph

When I first picked up this story and saw Toph introduced as an adversary, I was hyped. Like, you have no idea how hyped and pumped up I was for them to brawl. And I was not disappointed. 

See, for me, Toph represented more than just a metaphorical torn in both Sokka’s and Azula’s side for a good chunk of this story. She is at times a very compelling mini-villain, as if she is straight out of a Disney movie. She loves what she does and enjoys it, and knows just how powerful she is. And flaunts it in spectacular display. She has such a simple yet understandable motivation and was a very real threat to Sokka’s own life in the very first fight they were in. And despite both Sokka and Toph eventually learning to respect and even befriend each other, there was always the nagging thought that they would eventually fight again, and each one knew they wanted to win that rematch. Toph provided Sokka and Azula a reoccurring adversary to strive toward beating. Even as other gladiators came and went, they always knew Toph would be their biggest obstacle. So much build up was focused on training for that eventuality. And all of it was compelling enough to paint Toph as this great rival to them. Her being a part-time ally in some cases and even being a friend didn’t really change that until after they had fought a second time. 

Its because of this that I now believe firmly that Toph should be used as an antagonist more, if a story needs one. She is just so fun and so good as villain that hope others come to use her as one in AUs. 

As I read more, I’m sure this might change in time. But, even with all the fights Sokka has had, I firmly maintain that Toph was his greatest adversary on many levels. 

4.) Favorite OC: Rui Shi

Honestly, I think this guy is a sprit animal to someone out there. He’s just a guard trying to do his job right and the person he protects consistently makes that job harder for him in the most ridiculous ways. “Oh great, my princess is in an affair with her Gladiator and that won’t stop fucking like rabbits. Joy.”

Honestly, this man needs a vacation. A long one. And Seyary hasn’t given it to him, because she likes to make his life hard. Rude. 

For the longest time, I actually thought Rui Shi was much older than he actually is in the story. So until a picture of him was finally made, I pictured him as a 40 year old veteran with a graying mustache and beard. Even with how he actually looks, I wouldn’t be surprised if his job made him grow gray hair from all the stress. 

Good OC, one of a few I like.

5.) Favorite Suitor: Zhao

Should probably be no surprise. Where I am at right now, he’s essentially the suitor to beat as well as having the ultimate Gladiator for Sokka and Azula to defeat. Azula even admired him at some point. Though that has changed, I feel that Zhao has his eyes set on courting Azula further. Its a move that Ozai would likely not object to, provided Zhao pulls off something grand to earn that honor. And although every suitor has made Sokka angry, I feel Zhao would anger him on a deeper level as his interest in Azula grows. 

I look forward to seeing him more.

6.) Favorite Gladiator(s): Jet and Suki (For Chapters 1-100)

Jet being a brainwashed Gladiator highlighted a dark aspect to the games. He was also a brutal berserker when in the ring and one of Sokka’s most bitter adversaries. Suki to me was an interesting contrast to Sokka his situation with Azula. She was to me a kind of noble gladiator, an Amazon in the ring put gentle when out of it. Putting the canon characters in as Gladiators was always a treat for me and actually lends itself to some world-building.

7.) Favorite Gladiator-Canon Pairing: Sokka/Azula

This should not be a surprise :P 

I could go on and on about it, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll keep things short. This should not be surprise because the driving force and the very soul of this entire story is about a warrior-princess falling in love with a tribal gladiator. Their differences and how they reconcile them, their fears and pain, their passion and drive, all propel this story forward. Things have changed in this story because of them and they themselves have changed because fate brought them together.

If that isn’t enough to make them my favorite, then I’m sorry I don’t know what else to say to convince you XD 

8.) Favorite Arc(s): Rough Rhinos Arcs

Two arcs hit me hard on an emotional level - The end of the introductory arc and the Rough Rhino’s arc. They literally crawl out of quagmire, find a dragon in the process, and have one of the most touching and sincere heart-to-hearts in the story thus far. It was one of my favorite arcs to read and the emotional stakes were high. As I read more and continue, this might change, but for now I maintain this is one of my favorite arcs.

9.) Favorite Places/Locations: To Be Determine

This is the down side of having to catch up. There are a lot of locations in the story and in the ATLA universe that I like, and its always a hard choice for me to decide. I am a big fan of settings for a story and when I find a setting I like I usually latch onto it in all its locations. So for now, I will not decide on a solid choice.

... however, in any AU it might show up in, Bs Sing Se is my first choice by biased default. I just love that city and I always appreciate when a story fleshes it out in little ways. Gladiator being set for a fraction of its time in the city was great for me as I got to read more about the city I like so much. 

10.) I wish to see Sokkla in...: More tender, couple-like moments

Surprising, I know. But I what I mean is this - moments where they refrain from arguing, don’t bicker, and just enjoy being around each other, doing small things together. And its hard for them, they have to train they, have to keep their relationship a secret, they can only be a true couple for fleeting moments because of how dangerous and vulnerable it will leave them. And it claws at my heart every time. So I cherish the moments they have when they can be themselves around one another, fleeting as they sometimes are. 

11.) I believe Sokka and Azula’s relationship will be revealed when/like/because of...:

... when they get careless. When they feel that they are safe in their secrecy, complacaent in their routines for keeping their relationship hidden, that’s when it will be revealed. Its a kind of Hubris of sorts. 

And when its revealed, it will lead to something bad and irreversible for the both of them. You can only hide something like this for so long. Even historical royal affairs were never as secret as theirs. And they have taken painful precautions to keep it all under wraps. 

So when it finally does, it will change everything. And that’s going to be quite the wild ride.

12.) I believe at the end of Part 3...:

... that a sacrifice will be made. A death or a relinquishment of something. Sokka and Azula will be together, but something will have to be given up, and it will test them for the final time. 

I can’t say what it will be, but I’m going to enjoy finding out.

[macgyvermedical]

A Nurse Wrote This Movie: A Medical Review of Knives Out

Whoa.

Honestly, all I can say, this movie was amazing.

I don’t think I’ve ever been treated to a movie that was both this complex and still this easy to understand. I wasn’t left wondering at the end, and despite the number of times my understanding of the central crime changed, it didn’t ever feel whiplash-y or like anything was played for shock value. It was a journey through the story and it was consistently enjoyable, all 130 minutes of it.

But please, seriously, go see it for yourself before reading this post, there will absolutely be spoilers and this is a movie you don’t want spoiled.

Before I really get into it, I want to tell you that the medicine (though, I suppose, particularly the nursing) in this movie was good. Really good. Much, much, much better than I expected. What I really, really appreciated was that the resolution of the case came from something that only a nurse would know. If i had to guess, not only was there a nurse consulting, but one was part of the central writing team.

There’s really only one scene to talk about, but it spans parts of the whole movie. Here’s my explanation/review of the evening meds scene and how it relates to real life and the rest of the movie. Apologies for the lack of relevant screenshots, once the movie comes out on streaming or DVD I will have more options. Also apologies in that I have only seen this once in theaters and I am working from memory.

PICCs:

One of the main characters, Marta, is a homecare nurse for the wealthy victim Harlan Thrombey. Early in the movie, we are given a scene where she is giving him two medications for a recent shoulder injury- ketorolac and morphine- before bed.

Harlan Thrombey has a PICC in his left arm that Marta uses to administer the medications. PICCs, or Peripherally Inserted Central Catheters, are medical devices that are designed to allow medical professionals to administer IV medications and draw blood without having to start an IV or stick someone with a needle. Once inserted, they can stay in for 6-12 months, and they’re really helpful for patients who either need IV fluids/medications at home (long-term IV antibiotic therapy, for example), or who require repeated doses of medications that could be damaging to the smaller veins that traditional “peripheral” IV catheters sit in (chemotherapy, total parenteral nutrition).

PICCs consist of one or more “ports” that are accessible from the outside (the blue nubs in the pic below, where the medication goes in), and a long, flexible tube that sits in a large, deep vein that ends near the heart.

We don’t know a lot about Harlan’s medical history in the movie other than the injury to his shoulder that causes him to need the pain medication. A shoulder injury alone would not justify the insertion of a PICC, so we have to assume that either he had an existing serious health condition like cancer, or the shoulder injury was really an infection in one of the bones of his shoulder, which would justify a PICC on the basis of needing IV antibiotics multiple times per day. Since they seem to have thought of everything else, I would choose to go with that.

Medications:

The first medication’s generic name is ketorolac. Ketorolac is an NSAID, similar to ibuprofen, and works by blocking some of the chemicals that cause pain and inflammation in the tissue. It’s usually not given long-term, but for short term things like surgery or an injury it works pretty well and decreases the amount of narcotic pain medication needed. For someone over 65, the normal schedule for ketorolac would be 15mg IV every 6 hours. Marta would probably keep him pretty close to this schedule, because it’s his primary pain control beyond heat, ice, elevation, and possibly some form of physical therapy.

Morphine is an opioid. It works by blocking pain signals in the brain. It’s been around for a while, works pretty well and pretty quickly, but it’s not great for long term use either due to the fact that the body builds up a tolerance to it and it has the potential to be addicting.Since Marta seems to offer it to him instead of stating she’s going to give it to him, it looks like it was prescribed for “breakthrough” or as emergency pain relief if the ketorolac wasn’t doing enough, which is a pretty typical way to prescribe pain medication.

Now, you’ll notice that despite it reading “ketorolac” on the vial, the characters refer to the first medication by it’s brand name “Toradol” throughout the movie. This impressed me because in a medical setting, we colloquially refer to some medications by their generic name, while others we refer to by their brand names. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to the colloquial naming (though age of the drug plays in), and you kind of have to work in medicine to know which is which. We typically refer to Toradol by it’s brand name, while we refer to morphine by it’s generic. If you asked me for ketorolac or Astramorph (a brand name of IV morphine) it would just sound... weird. But its something fiction gets wrong all the time and it’s cool they got this right. For consistancy, I’m going to continue using the generic name for both medications throughout this post.

Medication Administration:

Marta goes about injecting the ketorolac first. This was yet another thing that added a little spark of nursing realism to the movie, because while not everything was shown, what was shown was done accurately. Here’s the steps to administering an IV medication through a PICC:

Open syringe package (draw needle is usually already attached)

Draw up air into syringe equal to the amount of volume of medication you want to draw

Clean top of vial with alcohol swab

Insert draw needle into vial and inject air

Flip vial/needle upside down and draw medication into syringe, recap draw needle (label syringe if giving multiple medications/doses)

Unclamp the PICC port you want to use and clean the port cap with an alcohol swab

Twist a prefilled saline syringe onto PICC port cap, and inject 5ml saline into the port

Twist draw needle off of syringe and discard into sharps container

Twist medication syringe onto PICC port cap

Inject medication

Twist off medication syringe and discard

Twist saline syringe back onto cap, inject the remaining 5ml of saline to flush the entire medication dose into the person’s vein

Untwist the saline syringe and reclamp the port

They reference the dose of ketorolac as being 100mg. As I said above, the normal dose of ketorolac is 15-30mg IV, depending on age. For Harlan, being 85, it’s hard to believe he wouldn’t have gotten 15mg IV every 6 hours max. I think the mix up was intentional, meant to signal to the audience that she was supposed to give the whole vial of ketorolac with each administration, but only a portion of the vial of morphine per administration. Ketorolac does come in single-dose vials, however in this movie all vials were clearly multi-dose vials (which you can tell because the ketorolac vial says “30mg/mL” on the 10mL vial, meaning there’s 300mg of ketorolac in that vial, which would be about 20x the normal dose). 

Medication Errors:

Then she goes back to get the morphine, and realizes that she’s made a mistake. Instead of injecting the vial labelled “ketorolac” she’s administered the entire contents of the vial labelled “morphine”- 100mg, she thinks. That’s a LOT of morphine. Definitely enough for a fatal overdose in someone who’s normal dose is 3mg. 

Now, med errors are HUGE FREAKING DEALS in the medical world, and Marta would have faced substantial civil and possibly criminal charges. Assuming she survived this without jail time, she would face an investigation by her visiting nurse agency (if she worked for one, which they establish she doesn’t) and/or the board of nursing in her state, which would seek to determine whether this was negligence that lead to the med error (in which she would probably be fired/have her license suspended/revoked), or a systemic problem (in which case she would be in the clear).

I think Marta actually has a pretty good case for this being a systemic issue rather than a negligence one. The vials look extremely similar, and even if she had done everything she was supposed to do, its plausible this could have happened despite her reasonable efforts to prevent it (she could have put it down last minute and picked up the other vial by accident, and had the label facing the wrong way as she was drawing up the medication). If nothing else, since the morphine vial was not specially identified as a narcotic, it would at least shift some of the blame to the pharmacy that filled the prescription.

In the moment, though, knowing what we know about her mom’s citizenship status, this would have been a terrifying situation for her.

Plus, there’s the overarching possibility that she just killed this very powerful person who she’s been caring for for a long time.

Opioid Overdose:

Opioids bind to certain receptors in the brain, decreasing pain signals. Unfortunately, they also decrease signals in the part of the brain that controls breathing. At small doses this isn’t generally a problem, but in overdose situations it can cause respiratory depression (the person breathing too slowly to meet their needs) or respiratory arrest (the person stops breathing on their own entirely), which can lead to death.

A drug called naloxone (brand name Narcan) can stop an overdose by sitting on all those same receptors that an opioid would without actually blocking any signals, which stops the respiratory depression from the opioid pretty quickly. As mentioned in the movie, most pharmacies dispense a naloxone kit along with opioid pain medication, and was the “antidote” Marta was searching for.

Now, in opioid overdose all is not lost if you don’t happen to have naloxone available. Since the cause of death from overdose is lack of breathing, Marta could have called 911 and provided rescue breaths until EMS showed up with naloxone. Even if EMS were 10 or 15 minutes out, he could have easily survived this. But that wouldn’t have made for nearly the murder mystery.

Ironically, this is exactly what happens in the laundromat scene, when it is revealed that the housekeeper Fran figured out what was happening and was attacked with the real morphine vial. When Marta finds her, she immediately looks in her eyes (a hallmark of opioid overdose is pinpoint pupils) and begins providing CPR.

In some areas, community-level CPR guidelines have simplified to “if you find someone not breathing, start CPR”. This is due to the realization that most lay rescuers have a hard time finding a pulse quickly enough to use it to determine whether to start CPR, leading to fatally wasted time in an emergency. The thinking is that it’s better to have people do unnecessary chest compressions than not do necessary ones.

But healthcare professionals are obviously still taught to differentiate between patients who need full CPR and patients who only need rescue breaths, so assuming Fran didn’t go from talking to cardiac arrest from an opioid overdose in less than a few seconds, I would have expected Marta to give rescue breaths until the ambulance arrived.

The Resolution:

Towards the end of the movie, we find that the vials were switched already, and in subconsciously recognizing the (real) difference in viscosity between ketorolac and morphine, Marta had actually, tragically, saved his life. This was probably the best use of a nursing concept I’ve ever seen in fiction, the entire central point of the plot hinging on nursing intuition.

Kudos, writers, kudos.