#the paranoia's amping up is what I mean to say.

[leverage-ot3]

What are your k drama recommendations??!? I need new ones

omg my time has come thank you anon for giving me the opportunity to ramble about shows

I ended up talking WAY too long so I'm putting everything after the first one under the cut

all of us are dead- show about high schoolers as a zombie apocalypse starts. very funny and relatable, literally they call the police and are like 'have you seen train to busan?' bffrrn. has a lot of social commentary and there are references to the sinking of mc sewol (a cruise that sunk where the captain deserted it and left a large amount of high schoolers to drown). commentary about how adults save themselves first/leave youth to fend for themselves. one of my comfort shows and although they didn't intend for more seasons, it was received so well that they have been renewed! I am also an ot4 truther and sometimes talk about them on my international shows sideblog: @nam-on-jo

sweet home- (disclaimer: I am not caught up and have not yet seen s2 which came out a little while ago) honestly I have no idea how to explain this so I'm gonna copy-paste the blurb: as humans turn into savage monsters, one troubled teenager and his neighbours fight to survive and to hold onto their humanity. basically people turn into monsters for [redacted] reasons and everyone in his large apartment building is stuck inside trying to fend for their lives.

my name- I'm just going to paste the blurbs going forward because it's easier: Following her father's murder, a revenge-driven woman puts her trust in a powerful crime boss -- and enters the force under his direction. bro some of these twists I expected but others caught me off guard. I love the main character and am a little gay for her but I think that's valid because she's a bamf. there was a plot point at the end of the second to last episode that I really didn't like and made me very upset. narratively I get why they did it but it made me sad so I'm still pissy. might get around to writing a fix-it fic one day when motivation strikes because my girl deserves better things.

the guest- a detective, a catholic priest, and a psychic join forces to fight crime caused by supernatural forces. not to say they are my ot3 but they kinda are. (other ppl interpret it is a lesbian and her two bi/gay bffs which I also accept but. ot3 tho). LOVED every twist and turn and how the three of them go from not trusting one another to being family. genuinely one of my favorites from all the kdramas I've watched over the years and I want to rewatch it again soon

happiness (tvn)- The residents of a high-rise apartment fight for their lives against a deadly infectious disease while Sae-bom and Yi-hyun try to find the person because of whom the virus spread. bro I adored this. some characters annoyed me (which means they were written effectively) but it has so much. fake dating/marriage (they wanted a better apartment lmao). annoyances to lovers. mean/rude woman soft for sunshine man. what you will do for the people you love. morals and humanity during a catastrophy. *smacks show* you can fit so much into this. no but seriously, I thought this was a really interesting take on the zombie virus! so some of the time you come off completely asymptomatic and 'normal', so people can get away with acting normal and hiding the disease around other people, so the paranoia and mystery is REALLY amped up. had me guessing a LOT. sae-bom and yi-hyun are both cops/detectives and you find out really early (ep 1/2?) that sae-bom is immune which gives a really interesting dynamic that leaves her (to yi-hyun's exasperation and heightened blood pressure levels) to be kinda reckless in the pursuit of truth and salvation. I'm rambling now because this is making me watch to rewatch but yeah as a zombie/dystopia/apocalypse lover this was a good watch. it's more story-focused than violence-heavy which was a cool and refreshing twist

alice in borderland- okay y'all I am aware people had mixed feelings about s2 but overall I did enjoy the series. 'Obsessed gamer Arisu suddenly finds himself in a strange, emptied-out version of Tokyo in which he and his friends must compete in dangerous games in order to survive.' what can I say, I love a dystopian-esque setting.

the silent sea- imma be real, I only watched it for loml bae doona from sense8. 'During a perilous 24-hour mission on the moon, space explorers try to retrieve samples from an abandoned research facility steeped in classified secrets.' basically earth is in severe crisis mode as they run out of water to drink. water has recently been found on the moon, and although there was a mysterious tragedy that happened previously to researchers looking for water in a base on the moon, they have reached a level of desperation where they have another mission to look for moon water. mystery, paranoia, a couple of good twists ensue. I thought it was pretty good even though I have some mixed feelings about the open ending.

semantic error- yes I am sliding a bl into this list. bitch you thought. of course my bl-loving self would mention this (I forgot about it until I looked up good kdramas to remind myself of stuff I have watched). 'A strict, rule-abiding computer science major must work together with an artist with a polar-opposite personality to his.' confident cool boy meets bitch boy. it's great.

and of course...

leverage con artists- I would be fired from running this blog if I didn't mention the beloved korean spinoff of leverage. 'The series follows the story of Lee Tae-joon, a former insurance investigator who forms a team of thieves and con artists to target the rich and wealthy. The team was also formed to avenge Tae-joon's son's death.' I've posted about it before so I won't go super into it but it's VERY camp, a good time, and the ot3 is alive and well. debatable more overt than their predecessor!

other mentionables:

I tried watching kingdom (again for bae doona) but couldn't really get into it. might try again later because it's critically acclaimed (I think) and has even gotten a spinoff series

my roommate really liked mr queen. I didn't really pay attention when we were in the same room and they were watching it but it's fruity

the island on amazon prime was good! interesting plot but not in my top 10 or anything. worth a watch if you're looking for a kdrama to watch in your spare time. features girlboss businesswoman being thrown into a world of the supernatural because [redacted]. supernatural black horse man keeps her safe while keeping a life-changing secret.

let's fight ghost was a thai show that I saw and loved that was adapted into a kdrama called bring it on ghost, but honestly I couldn't get through it because I liked the thai one better.

train to busan is technically a movie but it's iconic and well-known and I highly suggest watching it if you like zombie/apocalypse movies. disclaimer: kdramas do not have the slow 'walker' zombies. they are fucking fast and the stuff of my nightmares. would probably just jump off a bridge if this actually happened ngl

I did think that extraordinary attorney woo was cute. I never finished it and know that there are VERY valid criticisms about the perpetuation of media portraying people with autism in the stereotypical savant ways. however, I liked how the love interest accepted her for who she was, loved her because of who she was and made efforts to accommodate and learn how to comfort her in ways that would work for her

business proposal was pretty decent if you like lighthearted romance- I didn't finish it but would like to at some point

tale of the nine tailed was another one that my roommate and I started watching but never finished. it was alright! just lost interest

shows on my watchlist:

black knight (netflix)- 'In a dystopian future devastated by air pollution, the survival of humanity depends on a group of deliverymen known as the Black Knights who navigate the wastelands using unconventional means.'

copycat killer-

hellbound (netflix)-

shop for killers (hulu)- 'A nephew who lost his parents and grew up in the hands of an uncle who runs a shopping mall faces a new truth after his uncle's sudden death.'

the legend of the blue sea (viki + hulu)- 'A magistrate's plan to release mermaids into the ocean backfires when they're caught by fishermen.' (legit I just miss mermaid media)

gyeongseong creature (netflix)- 'In the city of Gyeongseong in 1945, a group of young people thinking only of their own survival encounter a monster born of human greed and ask themselves what humanity is.'

dark hole (viki)- 'A mysterious black fog from a petrochemical factory's sinkhole turns people into bizarre figures; people who are not infected try to survive in this middle of pandemonium.'

the cursed (multiple)- 'An enthusiastic social issues reporter, fighting against the evil hidden behind an IT conglomerate, meets a teen-age girl who is possessed by a spirit and has special abilities.'

blood (multiple)- 'Dr Park Ji Sang believes in the sanctity of human life, and struggles to treat terminally ill cancer patients and save lives while at the same time being a vampire.'

the ghost detective (viki)- 'In this horror thriller drama, a detective who catches ghosts tries to solve the case of his younger sibling's death with the help of his assistant.'

possessed (netflix)- 'A smart-mouthed detective and a reclusive psychic medium join together to get rid of the ghost of a murder who was executed 20 years ago.'

connect (hulu)- 'A man is kidnapped and one of his eyes removed by a gang of organ hunters; his eyes was transplanted into body of a serial killer; the unwilling donor now has terrible visions as he witnesses terrifying attacks on the residents of Seoul.'

and now just because so many of these only have het romances, I looked up k-dramas with lgbtq representation... (some of these recommendations were from articles from screenrant, movieweb, this subreddit, herzindagi (bl-focused), allkpop)

schoolgirl detectives (viki)- 'Five teenage girls join together to investigate mysterious incidents that occur at their school, as well as help classmate deal with bullying, depression and other crises.'

be melodramatic (netflix, viki)- 'Three 30-year-old best friends, Jinju, Eun-jung and Hanju each pursue different paths in both career and love. Despite life's difficulties, the three friends can always return home at the end of the day and support each other.'

lily fever (available w/subtitles on youtube)- 'The story revolves around the budding relationship between Kim Kyung Ju and Jang Se Rang who meet when Kyung Ju can't find her passport and has to go to her friend's house to try and find it.'

love alarm (netflix)- 'In a world in which an app alerts people if someone in the vicinity likes them, Kim Jojo experiences young love while coping with personal adversities.'

nevertheless (netflix)- 'The story of a romance between a man who is annoyed with relationships but likes to flirt and a woman who wants to date but does not believe in love.' (wlw side couple romance)

[archduke-enver-gortash]

2 and 10?

2. How does their race play into the design? Was it a conscious choice because of the racial features or did you simply enjoy the playstyle or lore?

no real reason honestly! weird to say ‘the visions wanted it so’ but in the first vague character concept of zeke that appeared in my head he was a drow, and the half-drow face options fit him better, so that’s what i picked for him in the end. after i actually started developing him i felt no urge to change it so it just stuck. though nowadays i don’t even really consider him a half-drow, that’s just a meatsuit for the the dark urge haha.

10. How much of yourself can be found in your Durge? Do you share the same personality, taste, a specific feature? Are they who you want to be or who you used to be? Are they entirely removed from you as a person?

oh god. i mean. yeah. there’s a lot of myself in zeke just like how there’s a lot of myself in everything i create. i definitely don’t want to be like zeke and as a mere mortal-and-not-the-culmination-of-the-wild-in-one-fleshsuit i never was much like him in his entirety either, but we share some traits, in a way. i’ll give you something that won’t massively put me on blast: we share a lot of our food sensitivities actually! i much prefer to eat raw vegetables & fruit mainly because of the texture. obviously i don’t eat (or used to eat in zeke’s case) raw meat or shit like that but that’s one of my traits amped up in him haha. another thing we share is our extreme paranoia. obviously different causes, manifestations and ways to handle it but. yeah.

(tagging @satanic-fruitcake here because you also asked for these!!)

[euclydya]

from now on if people do not like our pinned before following i will Assume they have not read it and will softblock .

[underqualified-human]

Yandere dorm leader when their darling overblots

Request:

Ayo request cuz im bored.

Yan dorm leaders with overblot darling found out that their parents where dead in original world. (headcanons)

By @thatonedummysimp

A/N: Kinda just assumed they died while mc was in twisted wonderland

Fandom: Disney: Twisted Wonderland

Genre: Yandere Headcanons

Pairing: Yandere Dorm leaders/leader (separate)

Warnings: Yandere behaviour, mentions of death

Pronouns: They/Them

Riddle Rosehearts:

I firmly believe most of these men would aid in the cause of the overblot

After he hears the news of your parent’s death he might be more lenient with the rules

The suddenness of their death makes him worry about his own loved ones

So after a while, he’ll become much more possessive over you, and want to be close to you

He is absolutely distraught when you overblot, he isn’t sure how to handle it at all

He might give you some space after your overblot has been dealt with, but soon he’ll double down on his possessive tendencies due to his paranoia being through the roof

It might get to a point that he decides to abduct you

Leona Kingscholar:

He too would aid in the overblot

He’s pretty distant when he first hears the news, he isn’t very close to most of his family so he can’t quite relate to your grief

Will probably just use you as a pillow cuddle you more often

He’s not very eager to fight you when you overblot but he is willing to do what is necessary

He’ll actually be very distant after your overblot but does soon become very clingy and possessive over you.

Azul Ashengrotto:

His relationship with his parents is slightly rocky he still couldn’t imagine them dying and him not being able to say goodbye

Your grief sends him into hysterics himself so needless to say he wouldn’t be all that good at comforting you

Though after seeing the state that you’re in he calms down and tries his best to comfort you, probably buys you stuff and gives you hugs. Again not the best at comfort

When you overblot he’ll actually be very distraught but the more angry type

Afterwards, he definitely abducts you. The room he keeps you in is pretty okay for a cell.

Kalim Al-Asim:

One of the more normal guys on this list.

He’s on pretty good terms with his parents so he can properly empathise with you.

Since he’s a pretty delusional yandere he’ll be pretty ok at comforting you.

Whatever you need he’ll be happy to provide, hugs, kisses, food the only thing he wouldn’t be able to provide would be space, he’s very smothering with his affection

Is almost hysterical when you overblot, he’s already had one person close to him overblot now you

He would be practically glued to your hip after the overblot, he is very clingy and desperate

Another one that would abduct you, he would still treat you similarly you just can’t leave.

Vil Schoenheit:

He’s a pretty good actor so he would probably be really good at manipulating you to feel better

He does feel bad seeing you in the depressing state that you’re in

He feels sad seeing you overblot, he doesn’t want to harm you but he knows the long term effects would be much worse

After your overblot, he amps the comfort up to 11

He would think about it a lot but in the end, he would decide to use a potion to erase your memory

Idia Shroud:

Does not know how to handle the situation at all

Might break down with you

The only form of comfort he would be able to provide for you would be snacks and cuddles

He would be freaking out when you end up overbloting, he’s not really all that useful during the whole ordeal

After you return to normal he feels very scared that you might hate him for fighting you and is afraid that you will leave him

He’s pretty manipulative and he might gaslight you into caring for him but he also may back off after a while

Malleus Draconia:

He can definitely relate to losing parents so he would be the best at comforting you.

He may also use this as an excuse to lock you up in a tower

Is pretty willing to fight you, I mean he wouldn’t enjoy it but thinks of it more of a necessity

Some of the time is spent trying to prevent Sebek from killing you outright

If he hasn’t already he would abduct you afterwards

He would actually be quite gentle and comforting, he knows your emotions are still high and wants his future queen/king to be relaxed. And like him

[floralovebot]

After that horrible tiktok passed around and seeing the various reactions to it, I've realized that a scary amount of people don't know how to look for red flags in therapists. As someone who has a lot of fear surrounding bad therapists, I thought I'd share some of my tips! This post won't go into how to find a therapist, I'm mainly talking about how to look for red flags (and green flags)!

Once you find a therapist you're interested in seeing, your first step should always be to look for their online presence and any reviews about them. That means searching their name on Google, Twitter, Tiktok, literally everywhere. Look for websites they own or are listed on and check to see what socials are connected to them! Basically, you want to see what they're putting online and what others are saying about them.

On a similar note, if the therapist is working for a company and doesn't run their own business, look for reviews about the company as well. That includes former employee statements, client reviews, etc.

If you find social media accounts run by them, here are some red flags to look for: Do they share personal stories or make examples out of their clients? A good therapist does not share what their clients say, especially online where anyone could see it. Do they talk about their clients to other people (including online)? A general rule of thumb is, "what happens in the office, stays in the office". Therapists should not be talking about their clients to anyone but the client themself. The only exception to this rule is if the client poses harm to themself or others, the therapist suspects abuse, a court orders a subpoena, or you're a minor and your parent(s)/legal guardians request information. If it's not one of these, the therapist should not be disclosing what you say to others.

Do they often talk about themselves or rarely let you interject? Therapists are all different so some may be open to answering things about themselves while others would prefer you know nothing about them. However, a therapist should not be talking about themselves constantly nor should they be the only ones talking in a session (even if they're talking about you). This is a two or more way interaction and the clients need to speak just as much and maybe even more than the therapist (how much depends on you and method of therapy). Be on the lookout for a therapist never letting you speak, rarely asking questions or prompting more from you, or never paying attention to what you're saying. (On the other hand, make sure you're not speaking over them or never letting them speak either! Remember, two-way street.)

You should (and need) to be able to talk about therapy processes and what you can expect from them in the future! If the therapist dodges this conversation or seems unwilling to answer, that's a red flag.

A therapist should never judge you or be critical of your personal choices. Remember, you're speaking to them so they can help you, not judge you. Ideally, a therapist shouldn't be easily upset by what you have to tell them. Obviously, things can be upsetting (that's why therapists have their own therapists!), but getting emotional can affect the client and their progress.

They don't attempt to calm you down or derail the situation when you get amped up. I get it, you want to talk about everything, I get it. But a good therapist will stop you if there isn't enough time or they feel like you'll be going home hurt and stressed. Again, their job is to help you. Part of that help is making sure you can still function throughout your life even after a session with them. A red flag is a therapist letting you leave feeling weak, upset, and worse off than you were before.

Listen to your gut. I know some people don't believe in gut feelings, but they happen for a reason (and there's science behind it, I suggest reading up on it!). If you feel like a therapist isn't right for you, listen to that! If you deal with anxiety or paranoia and you're doubting that feeling, bring that up with someone you do trust and take them through what happened and what was said in a session. They may be able to help calm your nerves! At the end of the day, it's better safe than sorry.

I know it can be frustrating, but it may take you a minute to find the right therapist for you. Ideally, your first session with them should be more of a consultation. Of course, you absolutely can get right into it and start talking about what you need to talk about! But also remember that the therapist is there to help you and that progress can be hindered if you realize later on that they're not the right fit. So, talk about what you need to talk about, but also pay attention to make sure they're the right therapist for you.

So, what green flags should you look for? Being able to freely ask questions about their credentials and specialties! Being able to bring up switching therapists without them feeling upset or betrayed (and taking it out on you). Being able to ask questions about therapy types and what their thoughts are about what could help you now and in the future. Being able to talk about everything without feeling scared or judged. Being able to share doubts with current therapy type(s)/homework and coming up with something that will work better. Being able to talk about other things (like interests, how your day went, a movie you just saw, etc) without them dismissing it or pushing you to talk about what's upsetting you before you're ready.

Another tip that I couldn't quite fit into the rest of this is, you need to look for cultural diversity in your therapist. If you're a person of color seeing a white therapist, it doesn't matter how good of a therapist they are, there will always be things they don't inherently understand about racism or the trauma and stress that comes with it, and therefore there will always be things they can't help you cope with. The same goes for if you're lgbtq+, of a certain religion, etc. Just make sure that the therapist is either from a similar background or at the very least is open about being an ally (so if you're lgbtq+, you'll want to look for "lgbtq+ friendly" or something similar, if you're black, you'll want to find a black therapist, or at least a therapist of color, etc).

Unfortunately, these aren't all the red flags but they should help you. There are a lot of bad and underqualified therapists out there, but therapy as a whole can be extremely helpful for your life. There's a lot of misconceptions out there as well which don't help with people's general hesitance about it. I hope this post can help someone! Feel free to add on with more tips!

[phoebeseb]

Pt1. How did the change of rules in Last Life impacted the gameplay?

Just a small preface - I have a lot of data. So much so, that if I took the time to process it all before releasing it on a single post here, it would take me like a month (I am a college student with stuff to do) and you would probably have forgotten that this survey even existed and I would have a behemoth of a post, so I decided to divide this and make a post per question

So, about the first question

Out of the 362 answers, 215 people decided to elaborate further more, for which I am grateful, but also please, write less next time XD (jk the more the merrier). If you want to know more about the arguments in favour and against this change, keep reading...

Pros/ in favour of the change:

Incentives for early deaths – increases pace

More paranoia/tension/suspense

It forces actions, instead of just reaction – no waiting for red names

More betrayals

Added chaos

Testing friendships and alliances by adding a level of underlying distrust

Made the game play different than 3rd Life – keeping things interesting

Just generally more fun

Forced players to travel out of their zone (for kills) meaning that we get more interaction and exposure to other content creators

Provided some iconic scenes like Bdubs killing Grian

Provides an opportunity for lore if the cc chooses to take it – like some due, referring to it as a curse or a red mist

Puts a time limit to the game and makes sure that the number of lives keeps decreasing

Cons/ disadvantages to the change:

More than 1 felt forceful – it amped up killings in an unnatural way

The reason behind the boogeyman felt forceful – it was just for the sake of chaos and sometimes could be harmful to storylines

Alliances couldn’t last as long and it was hard to form meaningful alliances – people generally put less trust in each other and were only around one another so long it was convenient, so we got less of the “ride or die” alliances that we saw on 3rd life

Less focus on forming friendships due to the possibility of betrayal

Roleplay felt less connected

Got stale towards the end when there are less greens/yellows

Rushed and messy kills, that were forced and might hinder the plot/roleplay

The promise of violence derailed some non-violent conflicts, which went overlooked

Unnecessary once the red players appeared

To sum up, the main arguments in favor were related to the overall feel and pace of the series – it became faster paced and more tense, more suspenseful and definitely more dramatic with all the betrayals and mistrust going around. The biggest downside of this rule is related, precisely, to the inability to form meaningful long lasting allies (minus Scott and Pearl) and the fact that it sometimes felt forced and hindered some roleplay aspects. 

What I find interesting here is how double sided all these arguments are: some say that the added chaos was good while other argue that too much chaos was harmful. For example, the 6 boogeyman session was an hot topic in the comments with ones arguing that it was an overkill (ah) that just took away from the impact of killing, while others were frothing at the mouth with how amazing and unexpected everything was. Some were loving how much more fast paced LL was, while others were arguing that the pace felt forcefully fast, like the story was being pushed forward, instead of just developing naturally. 

The biggest divide, however, was whether the boogeyman added or detracted from the plot. While the boogeyman curse did indeed provide us with great moments like Bdubs killing Grian, or the entire Fairy Fort – Castle alliance dismantling with BigB killing Cleo, a lot of you were unhappy about how the lack of trust stopped people from developing meaningful and long-term alliances because of the constant fear of betrayal, which greatly shifted the tone from 3rd Life to the more competitive / last man standing tone we had on last life. The rawness and ruthlessness of it all was a hit amongst some of you, but others were more unhappy due to the lack of more intricate plotlines like those in 3rd life.

I’m trying to remain impartial here, but allow me to add: it is undeniable that the boogeyman curse added something to the plot. The question here was whether it was a good addition or a bad addition. For example, for me BigB betraying Cleo and killing her massively added to the plot because it went along with the entire storyline they were building AND it felt natural and not forced. More than that, it had continuation... BigB’s action had consequences that impacted all the 4 players until the end of the game. On the other hand, a lot of the boogeyman kills felt like, in my opinion, a record scratch and a “we interrupt the plot to bing you... murder!” as in, a lot of them were things that just... happened, but didn’t add anything or moved the plot forward. And the problem is that when you have a lot of those actions that “just happen” but contribute close to nothing to the plot, on one hand it might get kind of stale and on the other hand it can actually take away from meaningful actions/kills because you’re just so desensitized to all of that.

[lucienballard]

The Velvet Underground’s 30 greatest songs – ranked!

30. Ride Into the Sun (1969)The Velvets recorded two versions of Ride Into the Sun: a fabulous 1969 instrumental laden with fuzz guitar and a hushed 1970 vocal take backed by organ. Somewhere between the two lies one of their great lost songs; Lou Reed’s disappointingly flat 1972 solo version doesn’t do it justice at all.

29. Run Run Run (1967)For all the shock engendered by the lyrics of Heroin and I’m Waiting for My Man, the most malevolent-sounding track on the debut album might be Run Run Run, a powerful R&B groove lent a gripping darkness by Reed’s noisy guitar playing and the screw-you-I-take-drugs sneer of his vocals.

28. Beginning to See the Light (1969)The title suggests awakening, the melody is bright, but the lyrics are dark and bitter. They may have been directed at John Cale, who played on an initial version of the song, which was subsequently re-recorded after Reed sacked him, against the wishes of his bandmates. A ferocious 1969 live version amps up the tension.

27. Foggy Notion (1969)Reed was a lifelong doo-wop fan. His passion usually found its expression when the Velvet Underground recorded backing vocals for their ballads – as on Candy Says – but the tough, rocking Foggy Notion went a stage further, gleefully stealing a chunk of the Solitaires’ 1955 single Later for You Baby.

26. The Gift (1968)In which the band set a two-chord grind that may, or may not, have been based on their instrumental Booker T in one channel and a blackly comic Reed short story read by Cale in the other. “If you’re a mad fiend like we are, you’ll listen to them both together,” offered the producer, Tom Wilson.

25. Guess I’m Falling in Love (1967)Recorded at the White Light/White Heat sessions, but never completed, the April 1967 live recording of Guess I’m Falling in Love – taped at the Gymnasium in New York – will more than suffice. It boasts three chords, a distinct rhythm and blues influence, Reed in streetwise, so-what punk mode and explosive guitar solos somehow potentiated by the rough sound quality.

24. Temptation Inside Your Heart (1968)“It was not Mein Kampf – my struggle,” the guitarist Sterling Morrison once reflected of the Velvet Underground’s career. “It was fun.” A delightful late Cale-era outtake that inadvertently captured Morrison, Cale and Reed’s giggly backchat as they recorded the backing vocals, Temptation Inside Your Heart bears that assessment out.

23. New Age (1970)New Age comes in two varieties. Take your pick from the world-weary, small-hours rumination found on 1969: The Velvet Underground Live, or the more epic studio version that the Velvets biographer Victor Bockris suggested was “an attempt to present some encouraging statements to a confused audience as the 70s began”. Both are superb.

22. After Hours (1969)The Velvets’ eponymous 1969 album ends, improbably, with the drummer, Moe Tucker, singing a song that could have dated from the pre-rock era. The twist is that her childlike voice and the cute melody conceals an almost unbearably sad song, ostensibly a celebration of small-hours boozing, but filled with longing and regret.

21. I Can’t Stand It (1969)Amid the Velvets’ songs about drugs and drag queens lurked the plaintive sound of Reed pining for his college sweetheart, Shelley Albin, the subject of Pale Blue Eyes, I Found a Reason and I Can’t Stand It. The latter’s cocky strut is disrupted by a desperate lyrical plea: “If Shelley would just come back, it’d be all right.”

20. The Black Angel’s Death Song (1967)There is something folky and vaguely Dylan-esque at the heart of The Black Angel’s Death Song, but by the time Cale had finished with it – alternately strafing it with screeching, insistent viola and hissing into the microphone in lieu of a chorus – it sounded, and still sounds, unique.

19. I Found a Reason (1970)It is one of the ironies of the Velvet Underground that the most forward-thinking, groundbreaking band of their era could occasionally sound like old-fashioned rock’n’roll revivalists. Buried on side two of Loaded was one of the loveliest of Lou Reed’s loving homages to doo-wop, complete with spoken-word section.

18. Some Kinda Love (1969)Musically straightforward, sensual in tone, Some Kinda Love is a complex business, part seduction soundtrack, part refusal to be hemmed in by standard categories of sexuality – “no kinds of love are better than others … the possibilities are endless / and for me to miss one / would seem to be groundless”. Killer line: “Between thought and expression lies a lifetime.”

17. European Son (1967)European Son isn’t a song so much as an eruption. It sounds like a band overturning the established order of rock’n’roll, almost literally: after two brief verses, it bursts into thrilling frantic chaos with a verbatim crash, like the contents of an upended table hitting the floor.

16. Rock & Roll (1970)It is hard to see Loaded’s driving, joyous hymn to music’s redemptive power – “her life was saved by rock and roll” – as anything other than disguised autobiography on the part of Reed. The suggestion that music will endure “despite all the amputations”, meanwhile, seems to look forward to his departure from the Velvet Underground.

15. Candy Says (1969)No one else in 1969 was writing songs remotely like Candy Says, a stunning, tender pen portrait of the transgender Warhol superstar Candy Darling set to a gentle doo-wop inspired backing. Its melancholy seems to presage the note Darling wrote on her deathbed in 1974: “I had no desire for life left … I am just so bored by everything.”

14. Sunday Morning (1967)Sunday Morning was written at the behest of Wilson. He wanted a single that might conceivably get on the radio; he got a haunting, melancholy sigh of a song, its battered wistfulness and undercurrent of paranoia – “watch out, the world’s behind you” – the perfect encapsulation of morning-after regret.

13. What Goes On (1969)Morrison maintained that the studio incarnation of What Goes On wasn’t a patch on the live versions the band performed with Cale on organ. Maybe, but the studio incarnation featuring Cale’s replacement, Doug Yule, is great. It prickles with nervous energy, Reed’s guitar playing is amazing, its churning coda takes up half the song and it still feels too short.

12. Femme Fatale (1967)Apparently provoked by the damaged, doomed Warhol superstar Edie Sedgwick – with whom Cale had a brief affair – Femme Fatale is as beautiful and fragile as its inspiration. The story of a wary, ruined former suitor warning others off the titular anti-heroine is lent a chilly edge by Nico’s delivery.

11. I Heard Her Call My Name (1968)In the Velvets’ early days, Reed purported to be “the fastest guitarist alive”. A berserk claim, but his Ornette Coleman-inspired solos on I Heard Her Call My Name are some of the most extraordinary and viscerally exciting in rock history, frequently atonal, spiked with ear-splitting feedback and pregnant pauses.

10. Ocean (1969)The Velvet Underground recorded Ocean several times – one version is supposed to feature the return of Cale on organ – but never released it in their lifetime, which seems extraordinary. It is among the greatest of their later songs, its atmosphere beautiful, the epic ebb and flow of its sound completely immersive.

9. I’m Waiting for the Man (1967)An unvarnished lyrical depiction of scoring drugs tied to music on which Reed’s rock’n’roll smarts and Cale’s background in minimalist classical music – the pounding, one-chord piano part – meld in a kind of relentless perfection. Amusingly, there is now a pharmacy at the song’s fabled location of Lexington 125.

8. I’ll Be Your Mirror (1967)A song about Reed’s affair with Nico that could just as easily be about Andy Warhol’s approach to art, I’ll Be Your Mirror is one of those Velvet Underground tracks that makes their initial commercial failure seem baffling. How could a pop song as wonderful as this fail to attract attention? Nico and Morrison on stage at the New York Society for Clinical Psychiatry annual dinner in 1966.

7. White Light/White Heat (1968)A delirious paean to amphetamine, its subject reflected in the lyrics – “I surely do love to watch that stuff tip itself in” – and the turbulent, distorted rush of its sound. The band appear to be barely in control as it careers along; the chaotic finale, where Cale finally loses his grip on the bass line, is just fantastic.

6. Heroin (1967)Heroin was the deal-breaker at early Velvets gigs, provoking a “howl of bewilderment and outrage”. The shock of its subject matter has dulled with time, but its surges from folky lament to sonic riot still sound breathtaking. Oddly sweet moment: Reed’s chuckle as Tucker loses her place amid the maelstrom and suddenly stops playing.

5. Pale Blue Eyes (1969)“High energy does not necessarily mean fast,” Reed once argued. “High energy has to do with heart.” Hushed, limpidly beautiful and almost unbearably sad, Pale Blue Eyes’ depiction of a strained, adulterous relationship proves his point. In its own vulnerable way, it is as powerful as anything the Velvet Underground recorded.

4. Sweet Jane (1970)Sweet Jane started life as a ballad – see the versions recorded live at the Matrix in San Francisco in 1969 – but, sped and toughened up, it became as succinct and perfect a rock’n’roll song as has ever been written, based around one of the greatest riffs of all time.

3. Venus in Furs (1967)For a band who inspired so much other music, the Velvet Underground’s catalogue is remarkably rich with songs that still sound like nothing else; they were as inimitable as they were influential. Venus in Furs is a case in point: umpteen artists were galvanised by its dark, austere atmosphere; none succeeded in replicating it.

2. Sister Ray (1968)A monumental journey into hitherto-uncharted musical territory, where a primitive garage-rock riff meets Hubert Selby-inspired lyrics and improvisation that sounds like a psychological drama playing out between Reed and Cale, all at skull-splitting volume. Fifty-three years later, it is without peer for white-knuckle intensity.

1. All Tomorrow’s Parties (1967)Ninety per cent of the Velvet Underground’s oeuvre consists of no-further-questions classics. The astonishingly high standard of almost everything they did makes picking their “best” song a matter of personal preference, rather than qualitative judgment. So let’s go for Warhol’s favourite, on which the sour and sweet aspects of their debut album entwine faultlessly. The melody is exquisite; the music monolithic and unrelenting, powered by Cale’s hammering piano and Tucker’s stately drums; Nico’s performance perfectly inhabits the lyrics, which turn a depiction of a woman choosing what dress to wear into a meditation on emptiness and regret. It is original and utterly masterly: the Velvet Underground in a nutshell.

source

[maybuds]

Regarding the terf thing -

Oh man. This feels like history repeating itself, because something similar had happened with Artemis ( of violent waves of emotion) which led to her quitting Tumblr (or atleast served as a catalyst to leave this website).

If things were as simple as "because you reblogged from a "terf" account = terf" then oh boy. They are not. Expecting people to do their research everytime over a blog is also too much. One can try, yes, but how fine your comb has to be to know their ideology for a fact? I understand where the paranoia comes from - but attacking anyone and everyone over a reblog is not fair. Most people aren't going to sit here finely going through a blog, typing in keywords to know about things. Maximum one will go through the first 2 pages, hit follow or not, and move on. This attitude of unforgiveness, of carefully watching one another waiting for a slip up just to cancel them is why the internet has become a hellish nightmare. Yes you didn't know. Yes you apologized. Now what more do people want? It's one thing to be careful, to show care, and it's another to walk on eggshells. I hope folks understand that we are trying. At least most of us are, consciously trying to work on ourselves, weed out prejudices, educate ourselves, and be better and kinder versions of ourselves. But a little compassion during and after doesn't hurt. Most of us, or atleast some of us, are willing to do the work. Willing to listen, willing to change.

All of this reminds me of this - https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/the-highlight/22543858/isabel-fall-attack-helicopter?__twitter_impression=true

I've not read the Isabel Fall story, but this essay sheds a better light on what I'm trying to say here.

And lastly, you handled it really well. I liked how you dealt with those asks and spoke your mind. ❤️

Hi! Thank you for your kind words <3 And thank you for sharing this article too, I just read it. I have not heard of Isabel Fall and the Helicopter Story until today (I don’t have Twitter, and even when I did I mostly tweeted more about issues within my country’s context), but now I wished there was a way to read it! Even the Wayback Machine link I found doesn’t work anymore. But maybe it’s for the best, since Isabel Fall herself wanted the story to be taken down.

I agree with you about the paranoia and the binary thinking that happens in progressive spaces. Nuance really is running extremely low on social media, even here on Tumblr which is purportedly not on the same level as Twitter (the armpit of the Internet as my friend described it), and even with all the “have some critical thinking” takes that I see a lot around here, there is still a lot of binary thinking, the way there’s a rigid, simplistic formula of X action = Y conclusion when the reality is it’s way more complex than that and there’s often really no set one-size-fits-all formula to draw such conclusions. And most of the time, the conclusion is not that simple either. But we all fall for it once in a while, no matter how open-minded we might be or how much critical thinking we might have-- it is always just a question and constant awareness of trying not falling for it again. That kind of formulaic, dismissive thinking is also dangerous in a sense because it tends to replace dichotomies with other dichotomies which are just as simplistic. It is also-- as you said-- so unforgiving as to view each other only in an either-or way, and tends to alienate people who are genuinely trying to educate and work on themselves. (Yes, it is not your responsibility to educate them / congratulate them for educating themselves, and you definitely do not have a responsibility to educate people who are adamantly bigoted, but at least stop canceling those who are actively trying to do the actual work for the slightest-- and sometimes really benign!-- transgression.) It was tackled really well in the article, too-- the way the left can and do eat its own, even when (they think) they mean well. Are you really focusing all that anger on the right subject? Are you really focusing that anger on an actual harmful institution/system/powerful figure, or just some person on the internet who is just as defenseless as you are?

That being said, though, I can also understand this “paranoia” (not sure if this is the most fitting word for it) from trans people and allies when it comes to discussions that have to do with trans lives, because trans people live in a world where they do have to be on a defensive all the time. They tread on thinner egg shells more than I, a cis female, will ever do-- trans people are often literally never allowed to exist. And it is no illusion that a lot of people out there are openly terfs and there are people out there who shamelessly defend that ideology. Anyone a trans person reblogs or interacts with online could be someone who believes they should not exist and/or does not want them to exist. So being in online spaces like that still warrants a degree of scrutiny, a constant one on the part of trans people.

But again, identifying who might be a terf and who might not be is not always that plain and simple. And vilifying people based solely on an Assumption that they’re a terf/bigot or a possible defender/friend of a terf/bigot is really misplaced anger-- even when the anger itself is understandable.

[semper-legens]

105. The Only Good Indians, by Stephen Graham Jones

Owned: No, library Page count: 349 My summary: Ten years ago, Ricky, Gabe, Lewis, and Cassidy shot an elk. It was supposed to be just another hunt, but everything went badly wrong. Now they’re being hunted themselves - by a demon, an Elk-Headed Woman who wants only revenge. Shackled to all that came before, can these men break free of the thing that haunts them? My rating: 4/5   My commentary:

I could swear I’d seen someone recommending this book, and that’s why I picked it up from the library, but I cannot for the life of me remember who or where that was. Regardless, this was a Lot. I’m not really sure what I was expecting going into this, but I didn’t think it’d be this Much, this brutal and painful and genuinely harrowing an experience. I mean, it was a really good book, but Jesus, it hits the ground running and never really stops.

Lewis is the second of the four that we see - technically the first is Ricky, but he dies after a chapter. He’s a very interesting character. His struggles between his current existence and his ancestry are a compelling narrative, and his slow descent into paranoia about the events on the elk hunt and the thing that is hunting him feels very natural, to the point that I was there along with him, hoping he can outsmart what’s coming for him before it’s too late. The last couple of chapters of his story hit me like a sledgehammer (I’m being vague so as not to spoil), breaking that slow tension with some fast-paced ‘holy shit’ storytelling. It was very effective and I was gripped to the last.

Then the narrative switches back to Gabe and Cassidy, also very compelling for very different reasons. By this point, we know Elk Head Woman is chasing them, and a lot of tension is achieved by just seeing them going about their everyday lives while we know what is lurking in the distance. Finally, the monster comes to them, and we see it play its little dance, taking away all it wants to take and more, in retribution for the wrong they dealt to it. It’s chilling, and bloody, and absolutely terrifying, I love it.

The biggest throughline of this story is Native American identity (the characters near-universally describe themselves as Indian, but I’m white and English and it’d have a completely different subtext coming from me), specifically Blackfoot, as the four protagonists are from a Blackfoot reservation. The narrative doesn’t really pull any punches, with Lewis describing his complex thoughts about his identity after moving away from the reservation and marrying a white woman, and the characters being painfully aware of the ways that their community has been stigmatised and the statistics and trauma surrounding them. It never lets up, keeps throwing in little asides and big points about what it feels like to be Native American living in America today, speaking about the minutiae of the characters’ lives and how it feels to be them.

One last thing I have to say here is about the narrative style - it was very strange, with a short and hazy sentence structure that really added to the magical realism going on within the narrative. I found myself doubting the reality of what was happening a lot in the early chapters along with Lewis, and I think it works really well to create this unsettling atmosphere of horror, where everything can go from nought to gore in three seconds if the characters aren’t careful. In the later section with Gabe and Cassidy, this is amped up by introducing it with some narration from Elk Head Woman’s perspective, but it’s all in the second person, and at the end of Gabe and Cassidy’s chapters there was a short bit in the second person, reminding you of the threat lurking. It’s so effective and so chilling.

Next up, back at it again with the Animorphs, as the Ellimist wants to play a little game.

[starshine-selfships]

1, 5, 6, 10, and 12!! :>

Hello hello!! Thank you for the numbers!!

1) What's a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

Not necessarily a hot take bc I've seen other people agree with this, but he's pretty mentally ill,, like that man definitely has an anxiety disorder and also looks like he might be depressed as hell on top of that 😞 I guess a hot take would be that the way he acts is kinda reminiscent of how someone who's experienced trauma acts, between his paranoia, the way he didn't really seem to fully trust anyone, self sabotage through setting self expectations way too high and then shattering when they were unreachable, like that's a little uncanny and definitely creeps into projection territory, but I think it's possible to make an argument that the way he was treated at the start of the arc + his own delicate emotional constitution could mean something 🤔

5) What's the dumbest thing you've heard about your f/o, either on the internet or irl?

Any implication that he likes women U_U skdjkdf like!!! That's not a straight man, he only ever interacted with one (1) woman and he actively tried to kill her bc he hated her so much; like there's a very nice edit in his tag of the bi flag color picked from his design and I'll take it! He's definitely queer, like,, , not to run with stereotypes but what heterosexual man looks like this:

It's almost a little funny bc there's not a whole lot of content made for him but I'll occasionally scroll past some reader insert drabbles and I think I've only seen one that wasn't exclusively feminine pronouns, which strikes me as pretty odd considering how he's basically universally read as being gay, but it's whatever I suppose U_U Absolutely no shade to the fem/me aligned people that love him!! It just seems odd that everyone was like "he's gay!!" and then proceeded to not apply that to anything at all lmao

6) What are some tropes that fanart of your f/o tends to follow?

It's hard to find art where he's not sad or crying U_U like to be fair, he spent a great deal of his screentime being sad and crying hysterically but. but what if we just let him be happy 😫 also pining? Him thinkin bout/looking at his king he was pretty in love with, stuck with the knowledge that that man is just too het for him 😔 I mean obviously there's more too it but this is funnier

10) How did you feel when you realized "oh of course I had to like That Character"?

I already wrote a fairly long answer for this one, but the short version is that I didn't want these feelings but lost the receipt and couldn't give em back, then experienced the fastest slow burn on record as I, over the course of 3 months, slowly gave up when I realized that me wanting to kiss him and hold his hands wasn't something that was gonna go away U_U cannot believe how many actually great characters there are in this series and I went for the nasty bug, the mean blonde, it feels like I immediately went for the bottom of the barrel djjfkckf but regardless, I can't say I'm too upset about it now lmaoooo

12) Aren't you tired of being nice? This is an excuse to rant.

People claim to hate him, but I don't ever see any content of that, yall wanna bully him soooo bad but then never do it 😤 I was compiling hate comments during my rewatch of the anime bc a lot of them were hilarious, and I think people on this site need to amp it up a bit 😤 I love this man and 100% refuse to condemn bullying, he deserves it, I just feel like I don't see it enough lmao. I even contribute to it on my main occasionally lmaooooo, he's definitely not as hated as he used to be but enough people find him annoying that you'd really expect to see more people at least discussing that 🤔

[hashtagartistlife]

and then there were none

Ichigo Kurosaki, college student, gets roped into a dorm game with a long tradition and finds it a little more than he bargained for. Kuchiki Rukia, college student, has never done anything by halves-- and that includes stupid traditional dorm welcoming games. The r.a.s regret the day they placed her knife in his hands.

There was a tumblr post going around that I can no longer find about a welcoming game at an American college dormitory. The basic idea behind it was that everyone in the dorms get a plastic knife with someone else's name on it, and they had to find that person and 'stab' them with the knife (just a simple touch was counted as valid) to 'murder' them. The 'victim' is then out of the game, and they had to hand over their own plastic knife to their 'murderer'. Whoever is on the 'victim's plastic knife was the new victim for the 'murderer'.

My first instinct upon seeing anything vaguely amusing is always 'make it ichiruki'. So here's the fic about it.

(There's two chapters planned, and please don't ask me when the next chapter will be up, it's not high on my priority list. But it WILL come, some day. I don't make it a habit to abandon fic, even though sometimes it seems like I have. Promise.)

___________________________________________________________

So, college dorms were pretty wild. 

For small-town Karakura boy Kurosaki Ichigo, living in a co-ed dorm at a university in America has been nothing short of an eye-opening experience. There are people walking around barefeet in only a towel. Some girl set off the smoke alarm because she was cooking cup noodles in the bathroom at 2am. He’s pretty sure he’s heard his dormmates having sex through the walls on more than one occasion, and the food served at the cafeteria is only edible about half the time. All in all, it’s a little bemusing, but not at all unpleasant, and by the third week of his move he thinks he’s settling in ok. His room is mostly in order, and he’s made at least passing acquaintances with the people on his floor. His English is improving at a frankly astonishing speed, and classes don’t start till next week. He’s figured out which stall in the bathroom spits out the most reliable hot water, and he really thinks he’s got a good handle on this whole ‘dorm living’ thing—

that is, until he gets back to his dorm room one night to find a plastic knife shoved under his door. 

“The fuck…?” he mutters, trying to figure out if this was an American befriending ritual, or maybe someone was just attempting to threaten him (badly)? Did his room look like a trashcan? Did Chad (he thinks that was his name) from room 209 remember what he said about not having a grasp on American cutlery yet and decide to help him in a subtle way? 

He raps on the door next to his, and a muffled voice yells ‘who is it?’

“It’s Kurosaki from 206,” he replies, and the door cracks open to reveal a single brown eye and a strand of auburn hair. 

“Oh, hi, Kurosaki-kun!” Inoue Orihime from 207 was…. an odd girl. She liked putting parsley in her coffee and read astrophysics textbooks for fun. But Ichigo doesn’t remember her ever being this defensive— she’d always been enthusiastic about greeting people, so the way that she refuses to open her door more than an inch is uncharacteristic of her. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, I just got back from the library and there was this knife shoved under my door—”

At this, Inoue screams and slams her door shut; Ichigo is left more than a little bemused. “Inoue? What the hell— it’s only a plastic knife!” 

“I know that, Kurosaki-kun! As if I’m just going to let you win this— but by the way, this is terrible strategy, now I know to avoid you like the plague—”

“Strategy?! Inoue, what the fuck— wait, is this plastic knife meant to mean something? Is this some American etiquette thing? I have no idea what’s going on. Please explain to me what this knife means—”

Inoue opens her door a crack again, and looks at him suspiciously. 

“Wait, so you didn’t hear the murder announcement at breakfast today?” 

“Murder announcement?! Jesus FUCK, who died—”

“Nobody died, Kurosaki-kun, don’t be overdramatic—”

“AS FAR AS MY ENGLISH SKILLS GO, INOUE, MURDER MEANS SOMEBODY DIED—”

“Wow, you really don’t listen to the breakfast announcements at all, do you?” Inoue sounds supremely unimpressed, but at least she opens the door a bit further; except what the hell is she only wearing a towel—?!

“Inoue why the fuck are you only wearing a towel—”

Inoue waves her hand like that’s a negligible detail. “Just got out of the shower, but also murder strategy. You’re immune if you’re naked, and some of the second years recommended this. I’m in this to win, Kurosaki-kun, there’s a whole year’s supply of cup noodles in this for me—”

“Wait, what? Cup noodles?” That got his attention. Anything that scored him a whole year’s supply of free cup noodles was okay in his book. Questionable towel-wearing included. “Now you really gotta explain what’s going on.” 

“I should leave you to rot, one less person to compete against for me.” Inoue purses her lips. “But you were the first one to pour a bucket of water on that fire I started last week, so fine, I’ll let you in on the murder details.” 

“Not a sentence I thought I’d ever hear in my life, but cheers, America,” Ichigo mutters. 

“So basically, murder’s a game that the whole dorm plays every year,” Inoue starts explaining, and Ichigo’s still trying to get over the weirdness of the word murder being used so casually— “and everyone gets these plastic knives with someone’s name written on them, and the idea is you have to stab that person with the knife and ‘’’kill’’’ them. Then you get their knife, and you just keep killing people and collecting knives until you’re the last person left! Hmm, there were a couple of rules, you can’t kill someone in the dining room or their own rooms, and you’re immune if you’re naked, but I think that was it? Anyway. So yeah! That’s what’s going on here!” 

Ichigo squints at his knife in the half-dark of the corridor that, for some reason, has had all its lights screwed out. “Ok, that’s…. Great, I suppose? What happens if I don’t know who the person on my knife is?”

“Then you find out, Kurosaki-kun! This game was ostensibly devised so that we make friends, you know.”

“There are no friends when it comes to a year’s free supply of cup noodles,” Ichigo says, and Inoue claps her hands. 

“Precisely! You’re getting the hang of it now. Ergo, for the next week, I don’t know you, ok? Good luck!” 

Inoue slams her door shut, and Ichigo shuffles back to his room, feeling slightly more enlightened than before. 

But still— 

“Who the hell is Rukia Kuchiki?”

__________________________________________________________

By the second week of Murder, Ichigo’s seen enough naked butts to last him a lifetime. It seems that voluntary nakedness is a vastly preferable fate for many than losing a shot at a year’s supply of free cup noodles, and honestly if that doesn’t sum up the average college student mindset Ichigo doesn’t know what does. (He’d probably be a lot more judgemental about it, though, if he hadn’t spent at least a few hours earnestly contemplating the strategy himself.) 

Thankfully, he and Chad have an alliance of sorts that makes him wearing a towel round the place redundant. He’d enlisted the giant’s help in identifying his would-be target, and after ascertaining that he wasn’t the name on Chad’s knife either (Chad had one Asano Keigo as his victim, Ichigo only knows him as that guy who swallowed a whole tablespoon of cinnamon powder on a dare), the two of them had agreed to watch the other’s back. Chad was set to pull off his first attack tomorrow, but Ichigo still had no clue who or where Rukia Kuchiki was. 

Part of the problem was that the dorm was so friggin’ huge; there were four wings, each with five floors, and each floor had ten rooms. That was 200 potential students he had to parse through to find his victim, and it wasn’t exactly like he could go around asking people if they knew her. Murder had amped hostility on campus up by 300%, and almost nobody stopped for idle chatter anymore.

Whoever had devised this as a way of promoting friendliness and unity on campus was a giant fuckin’ moron. 

“Still no word on Kuchiki?” Chad asks, after another day of paranoia and stalking Asano to make sure the plan goes off without a hitch, and Ichigo shakes his head. 

“Are they even real at this stage? Are we sure I haven’t been given someone who doesn’t exist?” 

“Ghost student?” 

“Fuckin’ potentially? Who the fuck knows with America.”

Chad hides a smile behind his rickety old guitar and starts tuning. “I’ll ask around my bandmates tomorrow, if you’d like.” 

“Naw, s’alright. I don’t want word to get out that I’m looking for them. What kinda giant flashing beacon that says HEY, I’M YOUR POTENTIAL MURDERER, right?” 

“If you say so.” 

“I do.” Because dammit all, Ichigo’s serious about this thing. A whole year’s supply of cup noodles is no joking matter. Speaking of which, he wonders how Inoue is doing with her murders…

_______________________________________________________________

Inoue, as it turns out, is doing swimmingly. While Ichigo has done little more than sit around and twiddle his thumbs, Inoue has already racked up an impressive collection of plastic knives— three, she informs him that night, while cheerfully throwing him a celebratory can of leek soda (Ichigo gingerly sets it down behind her sofa when she's not looking). She was making good headway on her next victim, as well, and if all went according to plan she'd have her fourth knife tomorrow morning—

“But, you know, Kurosaki-kun,” she muses, sipping on her own can of beetroot soda (where did she get these concoctions from!?), “You're awfully cavalier about this whole thing. For all you know, you could be my next victim,but here you are, sitting on my couch. Or do you just not care about cup noodles?”

He snorts. “If you ever got ahold of my knife, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead before we even got to have this conversation.”

“True,” she concedes— credit where credit is due. “So nobody’s popped up to try to kill you yet?”

“Nope,” he replies, popping the p a little. Honestly, that was the only thing making him feel better about his complete inability to murder anyone— the fact that whoever had his knife was having just as much difficulty tracking him down. One week in, and he'd not seen hide nor hair of this Rukia Kuchiki person, and, big dorm or not, her (her? Ichigo assumes it's a girl, though Rukia is very unusual for a Japanese name) elusiveness is getting to be extremely impressive. “But Chad is watching my back for me anyway. I'm covered.”

“Hmm.” Inoue purses her lips. “That's a lot of faith in someone you've only known, for, what, three weeks?”

“Chad is trustworthy,” Ichigo says firmly. He stands and stretches up to the ceiling, stifling a yawn. “And speaking of Chad, I better get to bed. He's ambushing Asano tomorrow, I told him I'd be there for backup.”

Inoue waves. “Good luck to Sado-kun, then. I’m gonna stay up a bit to refine my own dastardly plans.”

He shakes his head and opens the door, peering out into the corridor to make sure the coast was clear. He and Inoue were literally next door neighbours, but you couldn't be too careful these days. “When you win this thing I'm gonna be expecting free noodles from you occasionally. Remember I stopped you from burning down the whole dorms last week.”

“I'll consider it.”

“‘Night, then.”

“Goodnight, Kurosaki-kun. Dream of Rukia Kuchiki tonight!”

“At this stage,” Ichigo mutters, as he slips back into his room, “anything to help me find out who the hell she is.”

_______________________________________________________

Drastic times call for drastic measures. The next morning, after a successful ambush on Asano (Chad is now +1 plastic knife; his new victim is called Yammy Llargo), Ichigo tracks down someone he'd been avoiding ever since his move to America and claps a hand on her shoulder. 

“Hey.” 

Arisawa Tatsuki whirls around and body-slams him into the ground. “Who the fuck do you think you— Ichigo?”

He winces. “Hi.”

Tatsuki puts her hands on her hips and does not offer him any help getting up. “Oh, so you're talking to me now?”

“I just said hi, didn't I?”

“You know, you're such a fucking asshole, did it ever occur in your pathetic little brain to apologise—”

“I'm sorry,” Ichigo mutters sullenly. “Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was also going to college in America, I'm sorry you found out only when you bumped into me at the dorm welcoming party, it's just that we had that whole farewell party for you and we had that touching goodbye and, look it's just awkward that I got a second round admissions letter the very next day, it's like saying bye to a friend and then finding out you're walking the same way to the carpark, ok, it’s embarrassing—”

“Oh my god, you drama queen. Were you ever planning on telling me? Ever? Your best friend since childhood?”

“... I might’ve planned to tell you at the beginning of the next semester by pretending I was on exchange,” he admits. Tatsuki throws her hands up in the air. 

“You were going to avoid me for a whole semester?!”

“Look, I didn't know I’d end up in the same dorm as you, ok? It's a big campus!”

“Un-be-lievable,” she says, turning on a heel and walking away from him. “You know what, keep ignoring me. Don’t hang out around here. I don’t want your incredible loser vibes accidentally rubbing off—” 

“I said sorry, didn’t I? Wait, wait, I had something to ask you!” 

“Sorry doesn’t pay my bills, Ichigo!” 

Ichigo catches up to her and falls into stride. “You don’t even pay bills! You’re on a full scholarship!”

Tatsuki manages a smug smile. “If you’re so jealous, maybe you should have kept up with karate.”

Ichigo grumbles. “Yeah, right, like I had a chance at a physical education scholarship with you in the same dojo.” 

“I’m glad you’re finally acknowledging my superiority—!”

“You beat my ass continuously from when we were six to sixteen, I threw away any pride I had a long damn time ago.” He makes a face at the memory, then shakes his head to refocus. “Anyway, this isn’t why I was here. Listen, have you heard of anyone around here called Rukia Kuchiki—?”

Tatsuki cocks her head to the side at that, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Kuchiki…? Name sounds familiar. Why?”

Ichigo feels his heart speed up in his chest. “What, really? Where did you hear it? Do you know her?” 

And now she was grinning again and— oh, no, Ichigo does not like the look of that smile. “Why do you want to know?” she asks, and the question is laden with suggestion. Ichigo flushes. 

“None of your damn busi— look, it’s not what you think—”

“Aw, my little mama’s boy Ichigo is all grown up, I remember when you used to go crying to your mom for a scraped knee and now you’re chasing after women—” 

“It’s for murder, you absolute pain in the butt! She’s my target!”

Tatsuki bursts out laughing, hearty peals of laughter bouncing off the courtyard walls. “Alright, alright, I get you. I was just teasing, Ichigo, geez. Anyway, the name sounds familiar, but that doesn’t mean I know her. I can’t remember where I’ve heard it before.”

Ichigo deflates as quickly as he’d been riled up. “Are you serious right now—?”

“Hey, you can talk, mister ‘I’m-really-bad-at-remembering-names-and-faces! And yeah, I’m serious. I don’t have a stake in murder anymore. I got killed two days in.”

Ok, that surprises him. He raises a skeptical eyebrow. “What, really? Who the hell did you in?”

“Some girl named Orihime Inoue,” she grumbles, kicking a nearby rock. “Tae-kwon-do black belt, apparently??? She doesn’t even look the type!” 

Ichigo makes a noise of sympathy and understanding. He should have guessed.

“Anyway, now I’m roped into helping her. So I don’t think I’d be able to tell you about Rukia Kuchiki, even if I’d known any more about her. Victims who are murdered have to help their murderer, and all.”

Ichigo frowns. “Wait, those are the rules?”

“That’s what Inoue said.” 

“............ I am about 95% sure that those were not part of murder rules.”

There’s a short silence between the two as they process this.

“...... scary girl,” Tatsuki finally says, in a grudgingly admiring tone.

“I’ll say.” 

The two of them stop their brisk walk in front of a huge pair of doors emblazoned with the words GYM, and Tatsuki waves him off. “Anyway, I gotta go train now. Any further questions before I go?”

Ichigo thinks a bit. “Yeah, why drama queen? Since I’m a guy, shouldn’t it be drama king?”

“Do I look like a linguist? You always scored better than I did at this stupid language. Take it up with whoever your hero was, Willy Shakealot or something?”

“Shakespeare,” he says sharply. “And Shakespeare wasn’t a linguist. In fact, I’m pretty sure linguists really hate him. He made up a lot of weird words and shit.”

“He did? Huh. Didn’t know you were allowed to do that.” 

“You’re not, Shakespeare just gave zero fucks.” Ichigo shrugs and takes a half-step back, raising his hand in a goodbye salute. “Why else do you think he was my hero?”

Tatsuki rolls her eyes. “Whatever. You’re still a loser.” 

“And you’re a bitch. Let me know if you remember anything about Kuchiki.”

“Only if we get to go halves on the cup noodles.” 

“I’ll think about it.”

“Then I’ll think about it, too.” 

That was probably the best he was going to get out of her. “Later, then.”

“If you can bear the embarrassment of us meeting again despite already having said goodbye, then sure.”

Ichigo shakes his head and lets her have that parting riposte. He hadn’t won a single match, verbal or physical, against Tatsuki since they’d been in diapers; he figures, what with the way his luck was going lately, that he wasn’t about to start now. 

__________________________________________________________

Just as Ichigo walks away, a tiny girl brushes past him on her way to the gym. Her black hair falls short and sleek, tickling her jawline and the nape of her neck, and the clean scent of cucumber and mint follows in her wake. She jostles him a little, bumping into his elbow, but Ichigo hardly notices the slight press of her body against his, small and light as she is. She mutters a hasty apology, and disappears into the building before he can formulate a reply. 

Ichigo shrugs and goes on his merry way. 

_______________________________________________________

The third week of murder brings about a calamitous change in the game as Ichigo knows it, due to several factors:

Orihime Inoue kills not one, not two, but three people in quick succession;

Someone finally stages an attack on him, but runs away without having completed the deed, and

Chad dies.

Not literally, of course, but Ichigo has to admit, the figurative loss still hits him pretty damn hard. Chad takes it as stoically as ever, with a shrug and twitch of his eyebrow, and goes back to working on music for his band. 

“Does anything faze you?” Ichigo wonders, after Chad hands his knife over to Inoue (because of course it was Inoue who took him out. Of course). 

“Puppies.”

“Fair enough.” 

“Kittens, too.” 

“... Right.”

“And birds. And rabbits. And small children—”

“So basically, you’re a sucker for anything cute?”

Chad shrugs again, which Ichigo takes as a yes. He crumples up his soda can and lobs it into the bin. 

“You were attacked today, too. Aren’t you worried?”

Ichigo considers it. “A bit, yeah. Sucks that you got taken out of the game. But you can still watch my back when you can, right? I’ll go halves on the noodles with you.” 

Chad nods. “When I can. I might be busier with my band soon, though.” 

“Understandable. I’ll try and keep myself alive in the meantime. At least I know who’s aiming for me, now. Neru? Nel?”

“Neliel Tu Odelschwancke.” 

Ichigo stares. “How the hell do you remember that?”

“She’s in my music theory class. And she has green hair. She’s not hard to miss.”

“Well, good. Should make it easier to see her coming.”

Chad smiles. “Your hair isn’t exactly hard to miss, either.” 

“Aw, shut up. I take back what I said about the noodles.” 

They sit in companionable silence for a while, the sounds of Chad tuning his guitar the only thing between them. Eventually, Chad breaks the ice. 

“And Kuchiki?”

Ichigo huffs a dry laugh. “No fuckin’ clue who or where she is. I’ve even been asking around, now that a lot of people have been dropped from the game by dying. But nobody seems to know who she is, even though everyone says her name sounds familiar. It’s driving me up the goddamn wall.”

“When I first heard the name, I thought that too.”

“What, that it sounds like a name that’s going to drive me up the wall?”

“No, that it sounds familiar.”

At this point, Ichigo is more tired than exasperated. “Yeah, s’what everyone says. Whatever. I’ll either find her or I won’t, right? No point getting annoyed over it. Better just focus on staying alive, because I swear to god if I die before finding out who she is I’ll be pissed.”

“You better hope,” Chad says gravely, “that Inoue doesn’t get her hands on your knife, then.” 

“You, me, and the entire dorm population, mate.” 

________________________________________________________

Ichigo drops by Inoue’s room that evening, just to check he isn’t next on her list. He’s lucky— he’s not. But some poor fucker by the name of Uryuu Ishida is.

“I waited outside his room all day and he didn’t even exit once!” Inoue’s saying, brandishing the knife with his name on it like a conductor directing Beethoven’s Ninth. “What kind of— of social recluse does that?!”

“Damn,” Ichigo replies, ignoring the fact that he did exactly that for days on end during the summer holidays, rereading The Compleat Works of Shakespeare in English and Japanese. “Sounds like a loser.”

“Apparently he’s like— the dorm cryptid,” she says, lowering her voice conspiratorially. “Nobody’s— nobody’s really seen him in the flesh. They’re not sure he even exists. They think he’s second-year pre-med and that he was valedictorian of his grade last year, but nobody knows for sure.”

“Inoue, how did you manage to find out all this in the span of a day?” 

She looks at him like he’s insane. “I, uh, talked to people?”

“I talk to people too! But nobody knows who Rukia Kuchiki is. Nobody. Zilch. Zip. Nada. At this point I’m about 98% sure she doesn’t actually exist.”

Inoue sighs pityingly. “Kurosaki-kun, you’ve been talking to students, haven’t you?”

Ichigo’s confused. “Who else would I talk to?”

Inoue just puts a finger to her lips. “Can’t tell you. Trade secret. But really, Kurosaki-kun. There are much easier ways of going about this game, you know.” 

“Fat lot of good that’s going to do me, when you won’t tell me,” he grumbles. He takes another look at the name on her knife— Uryuu Ishida, may he rest in peace— and thanks his lucky stars that it isn’t him on there. “Anyway, I better be off. Good luck with the new guy. Not that you’ll need it.” 

“Good luck with Rukia Kuchiki, because you’ll definitely need it.” 

Hell, did everyone make a secret pact today to take the mickey out of him? Ichigo’s too tired to argue, so he just leaves Inoue to her planning and calls it a night. Maybe he’ll have better luck tomorrow.

____________________________________________________________

It takes Ichigo a few seconds to remember who she is, he’s been so tired lately. 

Green hair, he thinks, absentmindedly, before he remembers his conversation with Chad yesterday and yelps, scooting back a few metres. 

“You— Neliel?”

“That’s me!” His would-be murderer is bright and vivacious, and way too perky for this hour of the morning. Aside from the curious green hair, she’s also got a scar between her eyes and a reddish— birthmark? Tattoo? Ichigo doesn’t know— across the bridge of her nose. “Morning, Ichigo!”

Ichigo’s already halfway across the courtyard by the time she stops him. “Wait! Wait! I’m not here to kill you this morning!”

“Yeah right!” he yells back. “I’m not dying before I find out who the hell Rukia Kuchiki is! Try another morning!” 

“You idiot, I’m already dead! Check the morning lists if you don’t believe me!”

Ichigo stops and whips out his smartphone. “You stay right there,” he says, glaring, and Neliel complies, holding her hands up in a gesture of surrender. He scrolls through the dorm noticeboard, and, sure enough, there is her name: one of the last people to be murdered last night. 

“See? I don’t lie,” she says, reproachful, and Ichigo shoves his phone back into his pocket and approaches her cautiously. 

“What do you want?” 

Neliel shrugs. “I just thought I’d warn you about your new potential murderer? Thought that might be good manners, and all. Normally I wouldn’t bother, but, well. Your new murderer’s…… yeah.”

“My new murderer’s… what?” 

She looks intensely uncomfortable at this. “He’s. Well. He’s…. He’s not a friend, per se, but I’ve known him since we were little and I feel a bit responsible for him— uh, he’s a bit rough sometimes, but he won’t actually kill you. I think. Look, just keep your eyes peeled, ok? Anyway, enough of this depressing talk in the morning. Who’s Rukia Kuchiki? Why are you so keen on meeting her?”

Wow, that was so transparent a topic change that Ichigo’s almost impressed. “No, no, go back to my murderer, what were you saying about him?”

“— so, Rukia Kuchiki, huh, cool name, sounds kinda familiar, wonder where I’ve heard it before—”

“Neliel. You were talking about my new murderer and actual murder in the same breath. This does not give me a lot of reassurance, you feel?”

“—no, wait, actually, Rukia Kuchiki,” she mutters, her brow furrowing. Then her expression clears, and she looks up at him with a bright smile. “Oh! You don’t possibly mean Dia—”

And just as that happens, the lockdown alarms go off. 

_______________________________________________________

The loudspeaker in the middle of the courtyard bursts into life with a crackle of static. 

“Attention all residents. This is not a drill. Please make your way to the nearest lockdown location in an orderly fashion. Attention all residents…”

By the second round of the announcement, both of them manage to unfreeze; Neliel curses and starts to turn away, but Ichigo grabs onto her wrist. 

“Oh shit— I have to go find Donddochakka and Pesche—”

“Wait— Rukia. What were you about to say about Rukia?”

She shakes his restraining hand off with ease. “I’ll tell you later! I have to go find my friends!” 

“No, goddammit! Tell me now! It won’t take you that long!” Ichigo yells, but she’s already disappeared into the throng of people. Ichigo kicks a nearby rock and consults his phone to find his nearest lockdown location— the gym, apparently. He joins the crowd moving slowly in that direction, mind still grappling with Neliel’s last words.

Rukia Kuchiki? Oh! You don’t possibly mean Dia-

Dia? Who the hell was Dia?

But he’d have to deal with that later; he walks into the gym and spots Tatsuki, waving at him from a corner with Inoue. He makes his way towards them. 

“—n’t believe that he still won’t come out of his room, who does he think he is— there are safety regulations in place—” Inoue is saying, fingers curled around the knife that still says Uryuu Ishida. Tatsuki attempts to placate her with a long-suffering expression. 

“Maybe he’d already left before you came— hi, Ichigo.”

“Hello, Kurosaki-kun! And ridiculous— I was there at 6 a.m. in the morning. What sort of self-respecting college student wakes up before then?”

“6 a.m.?! Orihime, that’s. That’s stalking—”

“Stalking’s not stalking if it’s done in the name of free cup noodles—” 

“Stalking is always stalking! God, whatever, we’re continuing this another time. Anyway, Ichigo, did you hear? Some nutjob got onto campus with an actual knife.” 

Ichigo flinches. “What? Jesus. I hope Chad’s ok. Where’d you hear that from?”

“From the r.a. over there.” Tatsuki points with a chin, and indeed, several r.a.s are in deep discussion, all of them with a serious look on their face. “They’re gonna make an announcement about it soon. Apparently it’s a scrawny dude, black hair in a ponytail, wearing a dirty white hoodie and jeans. There’s police cars arriving, shit’s crazy.” 

“I’ll say.” At least it was a knife and not a gun, Ichigo thinks, toying idly with his own plastic knife. He halfheartedly scans the crowd, looking for any unfamiliar faces— surprisingly, he finds that he knows most of them already, by sight if not by name. He wonders if any of them are Rukia Kuchiki, and finds himself hoping that, wherever she was, she was somewhere safe. 

It’d be a bit of a downer if she was actually murdered before he managed to get around to it. 

The gym doors open again to let some of the stragglers in, and Ichigo allows his attention to be turned by the motely crew that walk in: a tall, thin man who is built rather like a stick insect, a hulking guy who looks about as wide as he’s tall, and a smaller, scrawny dude who is wearing nothing but a towel as a fundoshi around his waist (goddammit, Ichigo thought that tactic had died out by the first week). And, almost buried by the mass of bodies around her, a head full of green hair. 

Ichigo blinks, and then he starts pushing through the crowd to get to her. 

“Hey. HEY! NELIEL! WE GOTTA CONTINUE OUR CONVERSATION FROM EARLIER!”

Neliel looks up in his direction, and frantically starts mouthing no at him. Ichigo doesn’t give a shit. He’s going to find out who Rukia Kuchiki is, and he’s going to find out now.

“Don’t give me that crap! You said you’d tell me later! Well, it’s later now, so out with it—”

“No, I swear to god, Ichigo, not now—”

“Ichigo?” The stick insect dude suddenly looks viciously interested, and Neliel claps a hand over her mouth. “As in, Ichigo Kurosaki?”

Neliel shakes her head. Ichigo glares at stick insect dude. 

“If I am, who the fuck are you?”

Nel buries her face in her hands, and stick insect dude smiles— and shit, can people even smile that wide? Ichigo feels a chill run down his spine. 

“Your death,” stick insect dude says, and he lunges. 

Scrawny dude, black hair in a ponytail, wearing a dirty white hoodie and jeans.

Ichigo sees the glint of a knife held in his hands, and suddenly realises he’s going to die—

“No!”

That is, until a short, black-haired blur shoots out from the crowd and jumps in front of the knife meant for him. 

It sinks in to the hilt, and Ichigo watches the girl’s eyes widen in shock with a horror that robs him of his own voice. 

________________________________________________________

Both girl and assailant crumple to the ground, and Ichigo’s frantic with worry; he reaches the girl first, hoists her up onto his lap, expecting blood. She was so small; what the hell was she thinking, jumping out in front of him?! She coughs, great big hacking things that he wouldn’t expect from someone her size, and Ichigo holds her around her shoulders, worried out of his mind. 

“Are you ok? Hold on— where did he stab you? Are you bleeding—”

In response, the girl wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and lunges at the felled assailant. 

“You missed, you cowardly shitstain, I don’t know what you’re doing on a campus but you’re going to rot in jail for this—” 

“Young lady—! Enough! Back away and let the cops deal with this—”

“Nnoitra! I told you to leave that stupid knife behind, you idiot—”

“Ow! OW! Don’t just fucking watch, Nel, get this crazy woman off me, what the fuck—” 

“ENOUGH!” The r.a.’s have made their way over by now, and manage to separate the two brawling figures; stick insect dude is being held back by Nel and her two other friends, while the girl is being restrained by an r.a. Ichigo sits on the floor between them, feeling like he just missed something. 

“Wait, hang on, what’s— what just happened— didn’t you get stabbed?” he asks the girl, who is looking very un-stabbed. She glares at stick insect dude. 

“He missed,” she spits, and stick insect dude howls in indignation. 

“I did not miss!” he hisses, and throws a crumpled plastic knife onto the ground. “I had him! I would have had him straight in the gut if it hadn’t been for you jumping in for your boyfriend!!! The fuck, dude! This is sabotage! What have you got against me winning cup noodles?!”

Ichigo stares at the plastic knife bearing his name, crushed like an empty aluminium drink can, and slowly starts piecing the incident together. 

“Wait— so you're—”

“And now I've lost the element of surprise. You scrawny little bitch,” Nnoitra snaps, and Ichigo thinks, a little wildly, that he had no business going around calling anyone else scrawny. He eyes the limp black hair and dirty white hoodie of his assailant and attempts to make sense of the chaos around him. 

“You’re— you had my knife—?”

Nnoitra rolls his eyes. “What, can’t you see? You impaired or some shit?” 

“Oh my god, Nnoitra,” Neliel groans. “Can you keep your big fat mouth shut for half a second—”

“Oh,” comes a small sound from the black-haired girl, and Ichigo turns to see her slowly flushing crimson. “Oh.”

“Oh,” Nnoitra mocks, before Neliel smacks him in the head. “Ow! Nel, you bitch, she is clearly the one in the wrong here, would you knock it off—”

“Well, what the hell was I supposed to think?!” the girl demands, now completely red but with an indignant expression on her face. “You matched the description for the armed intruder perfectly! Not to mention, who plays Murder like they're actually trying to kill someone?!”

“This is why I was trying to warn you,” Nel says to Ichigo in an exasperated aside. “And those are just his last set of clean clothes.”

There's a short silence as everyone digests her words, Ichigo and the girl both eyeing Nnoitra’s hoodie like they seriously doubted Nel’s definition of ‘clean’.

The girl clears her throat and speaks for all of them. “Gross.”

Nnoitra flings himself against Nel’s restraint. “You bitch, I'll fucking cut you up—”

“Enough!” an adult finally makes their way onto the scene, and everyone looks at the harried professor with varying levels of relief. The girl, in particular, lights up at the sight of him. 

“Professor Ukitake—!”

“What’s going on here?” he asks in a tired sort of way, and the r.a.s hasten to answer him. 

“A minor altercation— you know our dorm tradition, Murder—”

“Ah, that damn game,” he mutters, looking extremely distracted. His gaze sweeps over all of them, assessing the situation. “Nobody’s actually hurt, then?”

“No sir,” the girl answers, prompt. The professor nods at her, before turning to the r.a.s for the full story. By now, the police have made it into the evacuation area as well; the three parties convene for a minute or two, discussing the details in hushed voices, before they all turn to Nnoitra and Nel.

“In any case, Mr. Gilga,” Professor Ukitake says apologetically, “although it may be coincidental, it is true that you fit the description for the armed intruder rather perfectly, I’m afraid. The police would like you to accompany them to the station, just for a little while, until the intruder situation is solved. If that’s ok with you—?” 

“Wha— the hell it is! I was just tryna murder Kurosaki over there—” 

The professor winces. “Mr. Gilga….. That’s really not helping your cause there.” 

“Oh, c’mon, it’s just a game—” 

“I told you,” Nel interrupts witheringly. “I told you to leave your damn knife behind, didn’t I? Just go with the officers for now, Nnoitra. It’s just til they catch the real intruder, and quite frankly, I don’t trust you around Ichigo right now.” 

“Don’t be a sore loser, Nel, just because I murdered you last night—” 

Two policemen place a hand each on Nnoitra’s shoulders and escort him out, Nnoitra complaining the whole time but not daring to retaliate. Nel shakes her head and makes an apologetic face in the direction of the smaller girl. “God, I told him… sorry about all this, Di. I might go with him just to make sure he doesn’t get himself arrested… you really alright? Not hurt anywhere?” 

“Who do you think I am?” the girl scoffs. “I’m fine. Never did understand why you’re friends with him, though.”

Nel grimaces. “Yeah, sometimes I wonder that, too. Anyway, I’ll see you later at the gym, we can talk about this then.” 

“Tell your stick insect friend not to lunge at people with knives in the future, whether they’re plastic or not.” 

“Will do. Bye!” with another apologetic half-wave, Neliel and her two other friends take off after Nnoitra. Ichigo, still feeling somewhat bemused by the proceedings, finally turns and manages to get a good look at his…. saviour(?), for lack of a better word. 

She’s short. That’s his first impression, the fact that she is so goddamn short and good lord, she might actually, literally be just half his size, if the way the top of her head only comes up to his chest is any indication. Aside from the height (or lack thereof), she seems fairly nondescript: short black bob, black leggings and a t-shirt with a flannel tied around her waist. She notices him staring and holds out a hand. 

“Diana. We could have met in less embarrassing circumstances, but I guess as first meetings go ‘jumped in front of a knife for you’ isn’t a bad start. You alright?” 

Ichigo takes the proffered hand and is promptly surprised by the firmness of her grip. “Fine. I feel like I should be the one asking you, though. You're the one that got stabbed.”

Diana rolls her eyes. “Please. As if anything wielded by a guy that skinny would ever be able to hurt me.” She grins, all teeth, and whoa, Ichigo may have to reconsider that first assessment of her. He’s suddenly flustered, red dusting the skin over his cheekbones as he tries to come up with a response. She has the bluest eyes he's ever seen. 

Thankfully, the professor from earlier spares him. “Miss Kuchiki!” he calls, and Diana turns— he wants to have a few words with her, it seems, and she gestures to him that she'd be over soon. She turns back to Ichigo to say goodbye. 

“Well, take care, I guess I'll see you around--"

Something clicks in his brain like lightning, and he catches her by the wrist. 

“Wait. Kuchiki—? Like, Kuchiki as in Byakuya Kuchiki Kuchiki? Kuchiki as in the Kuchiki Wing in the Main Library Kuchiki? As in one of the shareholders of our university Kuchiki? That Kuchiki?”

“Shut up, fool, not so loud—!” She snatches her wrist back and looks around worriedly, though by now people’s attentions have moved on from them. She answers him in a resigned tone. “Yes, that Kuchiki. He’s my brother. It's not something I like to advertise.” 

Ichigo’s mind is teeming like a nest of ants. “Why— no, never mind that question. Diana’s not a Japanese name, though--"

“It's my English name, obviously,” she snaps. “If you wanted my full name it is Rukia Kuchiki. Why are you so interested in my name anyway? Shouldn't you at least tell me yours first?”

A slow grin spreads over his face; the kind of grin that Tatsuki had once told him made him look like the supervillain in a bad shounen. He takes a step in closer to her, and Diana— Rukia, irritated, stands her ground. 

His hand slips into his pocket. 

“I'm Ichigo Kurosaki,” he tells her. 

In one fluid motion, he pulls out his own knife and taps her with it on the shoulder. Those blue eyes of hers widen first in disbelief, and then in outrage. 

“You— no. No, you can't possibly— you couldn't!!”

“Nice to meet you, Rukia Kuchiki,” he smirks, flipping the plastic knife over to display her name. 

Rukia closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose, like she has a headache coming on. 

Then she opens her eyes, takes a deep breath, and socks him in the face. 

[supposed2bfunny]

2doc Week Day 4-Song Machine

It’s cloudy.

No, cloudy denotes clouds. Smoggy, then. All car exhaust and factory fumes. The water is still, but there’s enough movement that the waves slap against the side of the boat every so often, resulting in a familiar, pleasant, wet sound.

Murdoc lies on his back, hands folded atop his chest, ankles crossed, staring at the bright spot where the sun is attempting to bore its way through the grayish sky.

He and 2D have been sitting in the boat in silence, though the singer has been moving enough for the two of them, playing with his sailor’s cap, untying his neckerchief and stuffing it into his pocket, scratching his ankle, lighting a cigarette and ultimately flicking it into the water.

“So this is it, huh?” Murdoc asks at length when he gets sick of watching 2D struggling in his periphery.

“What?”

“This is what I missed out on?”

“Well I mean, it’s a little more fun when you’re driving around fast-like, but the sound of the motor gives me a headache. And it was fun with Damon too; he’s fun.”

“Yeah. Love that bloke,” he deadpans.

“Murdoc. Do you feel better now?”

“I feel like a million bucks, mate, never better, I haven’t felt this spry since that doctor prescribed me all that Vicodin when I slipped a disk lifting Noodle’s amp—”

“Muds.”

2D shifts, looks down at him, and when their eyes meet, Murdoc is forced to confront the fact that yes, they’re here for him. To humor him the way a parent humors a child after a particularly vicious meltdown. “Well, look at it like this: what did you think taking me out here on the boat after the fact was going to accomplish, sunshine?”

“I brought you here to make it up to you, you nob. Because you made such stink about not being invited last time even though you could have come along if you’d only asked, had my damn phone on me.”

“Stu, you can’t recreate an event that’s already passed by bringing me here like it’s a bloody date.”

He stretches his foot out, knocks it against Murdoc’s shoulder. “You sure? A date on a boat sounds kind of romantic.”

Murdoc sighs and hoists himself up into a sitting position: the garish lighting is hurting his eyes: he wishes he’d thought to pack sunglasses. He can only imagine what kind of migraine the bright glare is going to trigger for 2D. But now isn’t the time to play mother hen. “Does it? Cuz you don’t look nearly as relaxed or happy as you did in that Désolé video, mate.”

He draws his foot back, knees folding in towards his chest. “Muds, look. I’m allowed to have fun without you. There’s no rule stating that I can’t. We’ve talked about the importance of autonomy.”

“And I’ve also expressed my disdain for that bloody word. I’m too old to bother being my own person: I just want a little of whatever you’re doing.”

“So that’s how you really feel, huh?” he snaps, jumping to his feet. “Muds, how many times do we have to have this argument? That’s not healthy!”

“Neither is smoking, Faceache! Neither is drinking half my weight in forty proof before noon! Neither is dating me, so if you don’t want to deal with it, then tell me to fuck off, same way you did when you all fucked off through that portal without me!”

2D reaches up to rub his temples, almost knocking his captain’s hat off his head. It’s never as simple as Murdoc sitting down and confessing that he’s been hurt: it’s always violent waves, outbursts cresting until they crash against the shore. He brought Murdoc out here to see what all the fuss was about cruising around on Lake Como, but now he understands: Murdoc is more like the water than he is like a captain. He is aqueous, ever moving, flowing from areas of high pressure, knocking 2D to and fro as he attempts to feel settled, grounded. The solution to understanding him is seldom obvious at first glance, because his very nature is to change his tune like an ebbing and flowing tide.

This entire outburst was never a matter of feeling left-out, it’s been paranoia from the start, Murdoc’s absurd fear that his own band is set to leave him behind one day, that same paranoia he’s been nursing since The Now Now took off while he was in prison.

“I’m sorry,” 2D says. It used to be hard to say those words. He’s learning to push them out more often, especially because that small concession is, more often than not, enough to start soothing Murdoc. “I guess we both thought we were going to get something different by coming here. Muds, what I did was fly all the way back to Italy to sit on a stupid boat with you for the day. It was probably stupid of me to assume that you were going to have a good time here—”

“‘Stupid’ is a damn gargantuan understatement if you ask me,” he grumbles.

“Don’t interrupt! Look, I didn’t come here for a fun, magical time with you, you cranky old man. I came here to prove a point.”

Murdoc looks at him warily. “And what, my blue-hued compatriot, is it?”

A suave, quick-witted man would be able to weave together an elaborate story on the spot. Hell, if he were even adequately sharp with words, he’d be able to lay on the charm, distract Murdoc from the tension and the muggy heat and the miserable sun glaring down through all that pollution. The longer he stares at Murdoc’s tired features, though, the more it dawns on him that he doesn’t need to do that. He has something much more valuable: the truth.

“I did all this shit to prove to you that you’re worth it.”

Murdoc snorts. “Wow, so even you admit it was a crap trip then. Sorry to waste a full day of your time with my selfish needs, Stu.” He makes sure that his bitterness comes across acrid enough to drown out any traitorous hurt that leaks into his voice. He’s getting weaker around Stu; words slip out unbidden almost every day, truths he doesn’t need anyone knowing, feelings and fears that he’s spent his life concealing easily behind his bigger-than-bigger-than-Jesus personality. Honesty with his feelings around Stu has rapidly evolved into an unconscious mechanism, one he now has to strategize to neutralize at every turn. “Really don’t know why you spent money on a flight, all that time packing, renting the same damn boat, even, if you didn’t want to fucking do it. You’re a real headcase, y’know that?”

“You done with the pity party?” 2D asks. “Because you’re misunderstanding. I did all this, and I would have done anything else, to prove to you that at the drop of a hat, I’ll re-create any part of my life to put you in it beside me.”

There’s a familiar clenching feeling in his chest, a tightness. Dread. Sometimes he feels it when 2D starts to make him hopeful too, because hope is a dangerous bit of deception that leads to disappointment. Cousins, the two sentiments are. Or even twins. He hates hope as much as he hates dread: he’s not about to fall for that shit, no way—“Dents. What were you just saying about our codependency being unhealthy? Those don’t sound like the words of someone autonomous: best check yourself or your therapist is going to give you a right spanking.”

The singer smiles, knowing that he has Murdoc now. His attention, his optimism. It’s all there, in his grasp if he can make like the boat, rock with the waves but remain steady, solid.  “You’re wrong,” he says. “I won’t apologize for having come out to have some fun in February. We’ve told you why we didn’t trust you with the portal, but I still would’ve brought you along if I’d known how upset you were going to get. I had every right to have a good time with friends, but I am sorry that it sent you into one of your spirals, thinking I was rejecting you. Never, Murdoc. I would never. So here’s my compromise: for the moments you feel scared, instead of me trying to go back and re-create the past with you, let’s just make our own memories. Sound good?”

The bassist stares at him, dumbfounded. “Are you angry?” he finally asks. “That I’m being so selfish? Where’s your spine, Dents, your bloody vitriol?”

“You’ve always been a selfish prick: bit used to it by now.”

“But…but this flies in the face of all that shit about being more individualistic and—”

“Muds, I’m still going to spend time away from you,” he clarifies. “Have fun with Noods and Russ, might even give Ace a ring one of these days—”

“Oh sweet Satan, don’t call that idiot—”

“My point is, I’ll still do all those things. And then when I get back from my time away from you, whether you’ve done something productive with your life while I was gone, or just sat by the window waiting for me to get home, then we can do something nice too, maybe not a boat ride in Italy, maybe just like, having a few pints down at the Cock and Trowel, or going shopping, or trying that new cafe that opened up in SoHo to see how their pancakes rank on our Definitive List of Pancake Places—”

He’s interrupted by Murdoc lunging forward, arms going around his middle and head slamming into his chest. He grunts, hugs him back as the boat rocks with their sudden movement.

“How?” he mutters. “How are you always so nice to me? Every time I go and muck things up and say horrible things and tell you to break it off with me—”

“You’re a little dramatic,” 2D admits, nuzzling his chin against the thick hair pressed just below his head. “Pretty sure you told me I should call it off when you broke my favorite mug last week. It’s uh, not great. But I think when you say shit like that, it shows me that you really care about our relationship, that you value me, and you’re scared that I’m valuing you too much, because you don’t feel like you deserve it. I’m learning to understand when you’re just asking for help, idiot.”

“You really do spend way too much time with your therapist, Stu.”

“I’m not wrong, am I?” he teases, holding the older man closer, triumphant. “Stop throwing shit fits. Stop assuming everything I do is an attempt to push you away, and start looking at my behavior for what it is: a bloke who’s gone utterly mental and will fly you out to Italy at a moment’s notice to try and cheer you up after I saw you cry a little bit.”

Murdoc steels himself in 2D’s arms, braces himself to put forth the question he needs to ask. “And what do you get in return then, Romeo?”

“That bit’s obvious, Murdoc. I get to see you happy. That’s what makes me happy. I love you, remember?”

“I…” the words die on Murdoc’s tongue. What is there to say to that? He wants to talk 2D out of this…he knows he should. He’s being let off the hook because this idiot is convinced that they can keep going forward, that he somehow deserves 2D’s patience and love, even when he’s getting caught up in his own Twitter lies. Yet the singer’s words are guiding him out to sea, pulling him away with the strength of a rip current, and all he can do is succumb. It’s what he wants to hear. Maybe a part of 2D even believes these words himself, however ludicrous they are. “I…you already know how I feel about you.”

“Say it, twat. Or else I’ll keep you here on this lake all day just to torture you!” “Alright, alright, no need to get so Medieval on me! I love you, okay, Stu? I act out and cause a scene, and then I don’t even thank you for the impromptu Désolé 2.0 because I’m a shit, but I love you all the same. Maybe even a little more because you just keep…tolerating me. Happy?”

“Yeah,” he presses a kiss to the top of his head, and his tone tells Murdoc that he’s smiling. “So let’s go back to England, okay? This lake is pretty boring honestly.”

“It is dreadful, yeah.”

“Oh, while we’re here, maybe we should stop for pizza! Or some spaghetti or something?”

“Dents, we’re practically in Switzerland,” he laughs. “Why not hop the border and—wait, that’s it! I know the perfect spa we can go to together! Ever soak in a hot spring? It’ll change your life.”

“That sounds perfect!” he says. “Let’s dock this baby and get going—” he releases Murdoc and, ever-ungraceful, he stumbles as he makes his way towards the front of the boat. He yelps as his leg catches on the edge of the boat and his vision swirls first with the sights of the houses along the shore giving way to sky, and then the sky blurring as he hits water and starts sinking.

For just a moment, he processes everything as though it’s happening in slow motion, taking in the fact that his nice sailor’s outfit is surely ruined, that the water is colder than he expected it to be, wondering if any sea monsters lurk beneath the lake’s surface as he looks straight down into the black depths below him.

Then comes the irony. Yes, this is what time with Murdoc is like: filled with twists and unpredictable tumbles. Murdoc’s self-doubt and fears are still somewhat new to him: he’s spent most of his life assuming the man was fearless, only to learn that the bravado was a mask, that he’d been one of the few idiots to fall for it so completely. It’s something they must continue to work on, the selfishness, the manipulative words and the self-destructive explosions that follow them in Murdoc’s unhealthy attempts to self-punish.

How peaceful it is underwater, though. How familiar, this sensation, and how safe he feels.

His eyes have closed at some point to better absorb the feeling of being submerged, but he perceives motion right in front of him, bubbles.

Arms come around his waist, and he knows Murdoc has leapt in after him, that he means to swim to the surface, pull them both up onto the boat. He isn’t ready to come up just yet. Instead, he leans forward, presses his lips to Murdoc’s.

In the middle of the water, in the middle of a foreign country, they come together, holding one another tight, safe and soundless in the protective peace beneath the ever-lapping waves.

He always feels so complete like this, so blessedly whole when the warmth of Murdoc’s body is pressed flush against him. Time always seems to vanish in these moments as they share the last fo their breath, hair dancing around their heads like halos, bodies undulating with the motion of the water. For the first time that day, he feels calm.

[stereostevie]

LaKeith Stanfield Settles Into His Toughest Role Yet: Himself

As he heads towards his thirties, the electrifying actor is laying himself bare — and finding a new sense of balance

by Tirhakah Love Feb 12

For nearly a decade, LaKeith Stanfield has used his screen time reveling in the bizarreness of America’s racial consciousness. Whether Atlanta’s quippy street mystic Darius, or the code-switching sardonics of Cassius in Sorry to Bother You, his characters have always seemed to be in on the joke — and in his latest, Judas and the Black Messiah, Stanfield is closer to the secret than ever before.

Shaka King’s film, which chronicles the final days of Black Panther Party Chairman Fred Hampton (Daniel Kaluuya) through the sullen eyes of FBI informant William O’Neal (Stanfield), finds the actor in his darkest, most nuanced rendition of the Black saboteur to date. “It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do,” the 29-year-old said over a Zoom call last week, “I just really wanted to make sure I was getting it right. But then also not getting it too right, if that makes sense.”

Stanfield has built a name on playing conflicted characters, but a figure with as much baggage as O’Neal — who was forced into his own role while still a teenager — demanded what he calls a “necessary nuance,” one that became, at times, overwhelming. The film set became not just a vision of radical Black politics, but a space for Stanfield to process his own upbringing in order to be a more “realized, holistic” person. LEVEL spoke with the actor about how playing O’Neal helped illuminate his path toward a healthier decade that included both therapy and meditation, heading into his thirties.

LEVEL: Judas and the Black Messiah was supposed to drop in August, but 2020 had other plans. How does it feel to know it’s coming out?

LaKeith Stanfield: I’m excited. I want people to learn about Chairman Fred Hampton’s story. It’s something that’s not spoken about enough. Everything has been such a question mark with this pandemic — not knowing how it was going to come out, or whether it would come out, period. So here we are with Black History Month, this story of Chairman Fred Hampton, and everybody gets to experience this in the most honest way we could put it in. I’m really happy. I’m going to host a screening at my house and just invite everybody… who’s been tested. [Laughs]

By my count, this is the second role that Daniel swiped from under your nose. Didn’t he get you for Get Out, too?

That’s right. You know what, for Get Out I auditioned for like every role. I came in and I read with Jordan Peele. And then I read for another — I think it was Rel’s role — and ended up eventually reading for my role. Damn, I forgot all about that.

How can we keep being friends with a dude who just steals roles from you, bro?

Nah, it’s all good. [Laughs] Ultimately, those decisions are made by people who have a better understanding about casting and their relation to the story than I do. If they’d asked me to play a hat in this movie, I would’ve done it.

It doesn’t seem like a Hollywood thing to do at all.

Hollywood is not always behind things like this. It took years to get it to the point where we could actually make it. These are stories people are yearning for. We have to always prove that time and time again, unfortunately, but it is what it is. We show and prove these kinds of stories are human stories. They’re specific to the Black experience, but it’s global. We hope that we can get these studios to understand that more and more.

How did you relate to [William O’Neal’s] isolation and paranoia he lived with? How did you tap into that?

I didn’t see him as someone I could connect to, so we started to design the character from the inside out. The thing is, we don’t have any information about O’Neal outside of his Eyes on the Prize interview, a couple of court transcripts, and other eyewitness accounts. We could create him from scratch and give him different dimensions. I wanted to introduce how he might be a thrill-seeker. He might get fun out of creating imbalance. He steals cars — he wasn’t very afraid to put himself in a line of fire — but he was also a person who eventually felt guilty about what he did. In the full-length version of his Eyes on the Prize interview, he says at one point, “I felt bad about the things I did, but I had to continue to play the role.” He contradicts that later by saying, “I’ll let history speak for me.” Clearly this guy has an internal struggle that we missed.

Wearing all these different masks.

In the scene where I had to poison him, a lot of it didn’t end up making it to the final cut, but we shot [me mixing it in] Kool-Aid, and I had to go through all those motions. With somebody like Daniel, who I just respect as a human and an artist, as Fred Hampton, it felt like I was actually poisoning Chairman Fred Hampton. One thing [co-star] Dominique Fishback mentioned to me is that your body doesn’t always differentiate the experience from your imagination. So sometimes your body thinks that’s real, everything you’re putting it through. It’s no wonder I’ve been feeling so stressed out and having panic attacks. I realized going forward before I step into something like that again, maybe have a therapist. [Laughs]

“There’s a dynamic between celebrity and the common man that Covid-19 has really lifted the veil on. We all gotta wear our masks or we suffer the same fate. You’re not special.”

For Black people playing an op it’s different. There’s real pressure. Especially for a character who’s never been portrayed.

That’s how I felt when I first figured out I found out who he was. But you don’t go into something like this not knowing that’s going to be the case. I hope I was able to portray him in a way that made people see themselves in the character. What decisions would you have made? Were you trying to go to jail for five to 10 years? Would you try to stay out? What does that mean? Those are the more important questions. Let’s say there’s a million people in the world: two of them are Fred Hamptons; the rest are William O’Neal. I want to challenge people to think about the ways they might be O’Neal-esque. And maybe through seeing this, you might distance yourself from some of those things.

If the pandemic has revealed anything, it’s the disconnect between the celebrity class and everyone else. People like Hampton and [Bobby] Seale are trying to do cultural work. We’re seeing that there’s disconnects here. How does a film like this impact your view of celebrity?

These roles are metaphors for so many things. Chairman Fred Hampton as a metaphor for socialism, selflessness, and O’Neal could be argued to be a metaphor for capitalism and selfishness, or perceived celebrity ego. There’s a dynamic between celebrity and the common man that exists, which Covid-19 has really lifted the veil on to a significant degree because we all sit in here on Zoom, right? [Laughs] We all gotta wear our masks or we suffer the same fate. You’re not special. This made everybody have to sit down and confront that idea.

[Laughs] Right.

One could argue that the fact that Fred Hampton died at a young age is justification as to why you shouldn’t try and put things outside yourself for the greater good, because it ends up being helpless and hopeless. I don’t agree with that. I think that Chairman Fred Hampton’s legacy lives on, like he said, “you can kill a revolutionary, but you can’t kill a revolution.” I remember being in that scene where Daniel was giving a speech, and I’m thinking, the things that Chairman Fred did all those years ago, today we are here experiencing this moment collectively because of him. While I’m doing this, I’m looking into the audience, seeing Afros, seeing Black people, seeing the beauty and the confidence and love, I don’t really even see that these days. So he zapped me back into a time where this is what people were on. We gotta find that in ourselves again and unlock it

You have a great way of playing chaos agents. Whether it’s a muted performance in Atlanta or muted in a different way in Uncut Gems, where your character was always on the fucking edge. Why do those roles as subversive figures speak to you?

I haven’t really thought about it but I know one thing’s for sure: I tend to lean toward characters who have internal dialogue or struggle. I like trying to find some groundedness and truth in the in-between of two extremes. These characters appeal to me on a subconscious level because that’s how I am. I like taking things to crazy extremes and then trying to find some kind of balance in that. I’m also attracted to characters being able to show the mirror to you and have you see something that activates something in you. Those characters that have you see yourself through absurdity.

You mentioned earlier how young these dudes were. Fred Hampton was 21 years old when he was killed. If he made 24, 25, I’m wondering how much more he could have gotten done. Being Black, we make it to 25, it’s a thing. You’re now about to make it to 30. How’s it hitting you? Do you think about age at all like that?

Not really. Not really, but to some extent, this is a landmark moment for me. I feel like I’m just starting to really get my shit together, like personally. And be the better version of myself for myself. I just started therapy just this year.

Yo, congrats.

Thanks man. Going into my thirties, I plan to continue to do it. It’s been helpful for me to unpack a lot of stuff. I’ve been through a lot of stuff, there’s a lot of things I just didn’t confront. Those things mount; you act out in different ways and they can become harmful to you. So I just said this year, I’m going to make the choice to try and be better. Like I was always throwing off therapy. I never wanted to try it. I was like, whatever. It was just something that’s bad in my family. Growing up, everyone’s like, “therapy, what the fuck are talking about?”

So I wanna continue working on that — working on myself and finding a better sense of balance, and by virtue of doing that, unlock more potential in my heart. And I’ll be able to express in a more realized, whole holistic way. Those are my ambitions moving forward.

There’s always a moment where you just know that you need it. That, there are strategies you just don’t have that you need to build to be a person. Was there a moment for you where it’s like, fuck I really gotta go to therapy. I really gotta get some help?

I wake up every day and I have the same thought: Fuck, I gotta go to therapy.

[Laughter]

I was kind of raised like a wolf. I didn’t have parents or people who were guiding me or told me anything. So I had to figure out everything on my own — try on masks and faces and hats and wigs — and try to figure out what my place is in the world. For a long time, I didn’t realize I was stunted because of that. Not having that at home, and at an early age being traumatized by things I was seeing. Just now, I’m starting to really find the tools to help me pull that young self out of that abyss. It took me a while to even realize there was a problem because I was like, “Oh, you guys are crazy. I’m not crazy.”

Were you shopping for therapists during the pandemic?

It’s all on Zoom now. I’ve found this really cool therapist. It’s great and perfect for me right now. Hopefully it continues to be the case. It’s helped me a lot. After doing press yesterday, I had another session and it was amazing. It helps you unlock things about yourself. It’s not even necessarily about the person that you’re doing therapy with, but like you said, perspectives and strategies and tools that you didn’t have access to before.

Especially in the work you do, it’s important to extricate yourself — that period of like, okay, I gotta get out of this. How have you come back to yourself in this period of time?

It’s been meditation. The one good thing about this pandemic is being able to sit at home by yourself and deal with yourself and just your inner voice. And even though that’s annoying as hell, beautiful clarity comes out of it. People would be surprised how many answers they can give themselves just by listening to themselves and not distracting yourself with so many things like social media or movies and stuff. Now, it isn’t easy, especially once you become hooked into a pattern, but it’s really worth it.

That’s been beautiful for me just to take those moments. It’s important and it’s taught me a lot about myself. And that’s kinda what pushes you. Now that you understand and recognize some of the issues that you want to make better about yourself, you can plan on ways to do that. Whether it means therapy or yoga, which I also started doing.

There’s a scene in the film that feels like the Last Supper, and it’s just gut-wrenching. That sense of dread is so hard to tap into, but it also feels of a piece with what so many of us have been going through — knowing that people are losing their lives, either from our government or from a virus, and living with that same dread.

It’s a real thing. I went to the hospital recently on some health stuff. When I was in there, there were a bunch of Covid-19 patients being moved about. Being in a hospital is pretty scary right now. People screaming and literally dying around you. There’s an overall energy. Like this feeling of loss permeating in the world today.

Before we started this movie, my best friend who I grew up with got killed by his brother. So I was carrying that with me the whole time. One thing that made those moments real for me is that I know what it feels like to lose somebody abruptly, violently. When we filmed me having to poison Fred Hampton, it was a really tough day — I was thinking about my own brother, just in a whole different place all day. On set crying. That sense of loss, knowing the violence of all of that, really informed everything for me. There was no distinction between reality and what I was experiencing in the moment. Most of the takes in that scene, I was actually bawling. I had to tone it back.

The worlds are just overlapping with one another. That’s fucking wild.

I hope having gone through all that, somebody watching it can be moved or touched. Maybe it helps put emphasis on Fred Hampton and why it’s so valuable to protect people like him.

As someone who lost someone close recently, some days it feels like your worlds are collapsing on one another. I just lost my dad this past summer. It’s weird to even talk about, but the fact that you have to just carry on, with your friend’s death sitting in the back of your head is…wild.

With movies, you never know if we’re doing the right take, or even if it’s ever going to be seen by anyone. Especially with something like this, you never really know. I’m so grateful for everybody putting their best foot forward. I want everybody to see it. I really want Black people to see it, especially Black kids in Chicago. I want them to see someone who really put things outside of themselves and put something first and gave in love. I just hope that somebody sees it and it touches them. It makes them think about something a little differently. That’d be dope.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

[glitchkilldelphinixdj]

Mild Discourse: Of All the Things (Thesis of Anger)

Foreward: This is usually to point out discrepancies of what some things were called out to me by a different individual whose name shall not be stated upon this. This was nearly a month ago when this shit ass "barring" happened to me on three places on a famous app which I will never mention also. I had cried in frustration upon after this shit issue.

I will only mention what the discrepancies are, since I have been noticing after screenshotting of the reasons I saw, were either a bit correct at some parts or incorrect. I'm not gonna show the screenshot either since it's best to not get any criticism. I will point out my own truth in reaction to the statements seen in the screenshot privately. Each one quoted sentence is of the said problematic thing about me, and the paragraph is how I am actually answering and reacting to the said problem as honest and fair as possible.

1 "My family is on the spectrum and doesn't act like you."

That's one thing that infuriated me the most because I am a high func autie with ADHD, but each individual with autism with and/or without comorbidities has a different personality and family background, depending on where they're from. I came from a family who had a military background, specifically the Greek Navy from my dad, plus my maternal grandfather worked as a naval CB in Korea during the Cold War for the United States, prior to his death in Janurary 2019. This sometimes explain my rough, coarse, militaristic personality (henceforth why Heavenly/Monster Triangle Sciences exist and Hellspire Sciences exist, two different military factions) a bit. Plus, being in a rural community in the Southeast United States, there's not much opportunity to socialize in real life, so I pretty much veer to the Internet for socialization since there's not many local individuals who I trust.

2 "You are self-serving and arrogant"

The only times I get into self-reliance is when stuff goes into dire situations. The arrogance is from all the bullies I had encountered in the past in school times when I was a kid. I had tried to play nice with others at least and try to thicken the plot of the HTS and HSS factions during my times here, henceforth a little of the militaristic behavior I have involving order. I also pretty much had faked some of my happiness or empathy because I am trying not to put in any facade of sadness within. I somehow come up obnoxious and rude at times because I'm trying to be nice, but it goes the opposite direction of what is intended.

3 "You need to see a therapist."

Not when the 'Rona is around. The only last time I ever saw a therapist was in Georgetown of last year in Spring once over to see what I have: Autism with ADHD and some instances of paranoia. Only people who have very serious problems would usually seek therapeutic help and interventions to improve themselves and I am not one of those individuals. I've only been to speech and occupational therapy in school as a kid until I was 12, so don't assume things out of the blue that I haven't even been to a therapist. I've taken Adderall to relieve of my ADHD issues before in school, but it made my mentality so fucked up and losing my creativity, so post-school, I had to find ways to regain my creativity where I lost it in school. That's why I made a lot more OCs than what others usually made because my creativity levels amped up after I graduated from high school, away from the bad chaos, some of them were remakes of my old OCs I did in middle school (Jamine being one of my bare examples), but the Adderall overtook me of my creativity.

4 "Why would a couple of characters do self-harm on a budding f/f relationship?" (trigger warning)

Do you mean that budding m/m relationship of two different male characters, the self destructive behavior clinged by it involving with the use my two female OCs, Munphine and Jamine (pronounced Juh-mine, Jamie for short)? Listen here, I already had pretty much stopped that shit a few weeks prior to the barring and several weeks after the barring cos it was getting a bit too boring and a bit out of context, so that shit is quitted out. Both these characters had bits of dark backgrounds, pretty much involving both of their families (Jamie, involved with the death of her father and also her mother Ryuke being buried alive in a metal coffin, Munphine, whose parents whose faces were beautiful had shamed her for having an ugly facial appearance and kicked her from her town, so to cover her mouth from others to see, she uses bandages to cope that.), in general. Or do you mean the one involving my stable B8 Ghost Variant Yellow Missingno OC, Vesparada, and some other female character a few months ago? If it's already stopped weeks and/or months ago, it's already stopped. Period.

5 "You bragged about treatment of a physical problem I had."

What I was meant to say was that a medicine is suppose to help the problem, not actually treat it altogether, though with some side effects. It was an unintentionally misspoken statement, because my mind was in dire thought mode and accidentally typed too fast. I shouldn't have stated about a said medicine in the first place. I wished I thought and knew better about that. I'll leave that behind.

6 "You had guilt tripped in someone's place multiple times."

Most of the guilt tripping was unintentional at most because it's either me trying to come up with at least a statement/sentence and/or if it was a dire situation involving a decision. Some auties, like me, do have some problems making decisions, and at times, I unintentionally chose the wrong decision without thinking twice, though I do mostly think twice before I speak at some non-dire times. Sometimes I usually am impatient to my peers because I'm just excited over certain fun things coming up within my sight. I mostly never intentionally guilt tripped, lest if it's anyone I hate to be fair. I do have occasional preconditions that sometimes come in also.

7 "You had shrugged shoulders on a relationship with two different individuals."

This is me after being told at to stop and the mild shrugging of my shoulders is usually saying a way of, "Okay, I will stop digging into the nitty gritty of a certain relationship and let them do their thing." , as per se. By the words of ebony and ivory, that means I drop my guard of thought and accept it. It's been hard and rough for me to have at least a bit of attention during an RP story. I know that was nearly a couple months ago and it's best not to bring that up, since that is just an old thing. I'm a person whom does go by the cross a bit, being Greek Orthodox and all, but I'm trying my best not to scare anyone from advancing their creativity.

8 "You have been playing around with a victim."

Could you at least please elaborate this said victim and who it was? I didn't know I ever even played around with a victim nor I would recall it. It would be better for me to acknowledge who it is. I cannot fully understand certain things sometimes, lest if it's fully elaborated and stated to me. Who was this victim and how long? That's one thing that I am asking of.

Conclusion: Here on out, after the barring, I have been playing about in my garden, taking care of my own pets and whatnot to live my fullest life. It's been a bit of zen away of what happened. At least I am honestly covering what had been said and stated to me why have I been nixed from these places to others, and telling my actual side to what they had said with my utmost, undivided attention. I pretty much rest my case what I am telling my side of the actual allegations against me. There is no cover-ups or lies whatsoever of what had I said. I am literally straight-up speaking this in my own words. This ends the conclusion.

[manasilversbittymenagerie]

Grims

Bitty Type and AU: Reapertale Sans

Level: 1-2 out of 5 (depending on if the bitty is a rescue or has gone Grimdark before) 4/5 if the bitty is at risk of going Grimdark and has been amped power wise (very unlikely, as most Grims only get this way if being hurt or abused)

Appearance: Looks like a Sans type, has a flowy effect on clothes. Wears and prefers cloaks or loose Jackets. Their real difference is in their behavior, personality and magic ability. They leak blue magic from their eyes a lot and they float a few centimeters off the ground. Their bones are a slight gray off-white rather then pure white.

Heights Ranges: The typical Bitties sizes, 3-6 inches, most standing about 5-5.5 inches.

Heats: Adult Grims have very small heats, only once a year for about 3 days or less, and it's not particularly strong or alluring to other bitties, which means they are safe to be around other bitties in their heats. However, be aware that Gims have a very time getting pregnant or getting their partners pregnant. Even if they do manage to impregnate, sadly more often then not the baby(s) will not survive.

Health- *They're not immortal like the skeletons they're based on, but they do have amazing health and durability. Also live a really long time as long as they stay in perfect health. *Their mental health is prone to depression, anxiety, PTSD, ect, really easily due to their empathetic nature. Keep an eye on it (I can’t stress this enough) *Unfortunately because of how empathetic they are, they are prone to emotional overload, break downs, and depression. This also means, however, they are very receptive to death and life. *If they are around life or death often (such as if their owner is a doctor), this can also lead them to eventual overload as well. This means you have to check up on them and their mental states if you feel like something is wrong. They are prone to snapping and losing their minds if they are not taken care of or around death too often. This is what we call going Grimdark (more at the bottom).

Diet- *These Bitty Bones feed on life energy to survive (it is not dangerous) but they can eat food if they choose. *We sell monster candies called 'Sugar Souls' that work as a semi substitute for them if they are unable to use your life energy for any reason, and as a tasty snack! *They don't really like sweet things, nor sour, they prefer salty stuff.

Personality Stuff- *Communication is key in owning this type of bitty! *Grims are very confident and strong willed. They can take care of themselves, but that doesn't mean they don't love it when you spoil them with love and cuddles. *They are also very go with the flow kind of bitties, are blunt, sarcastic and love dry humor and dark jokes, but a Grim who has been burned before will have a hard time trusting again. They are also prone to loneliness, as their magic makes them feel off putting and puts others on edge. *Grims don't really have a concept of things like human social norms. Things like privacy just don't really register with them at first. (Ex. don't have any qualms about seeing your or others naked, or vice versa. Unless they view you or others as a potential partner, it doesn't even register for them to care.) However, if things like this make you or others uncomfortable, just ask them to stop or be more aware of stuff like this, and they’ll stop. *They are great with being alone for certain periods (they’re really great if you have a job that doesn't allow them to come with) *Grims have a startling amount of patience, but when it runs out, it is never pretty. *They enjoy chilling and relaxing with others, but also the occasional quiet time by themselves. *Grims like being included in things, even if it's just them watching while you do something. * They love books and to read (prefer actual books but will be fine with electronics) *Loves to be reminded they are loved and cared for. Through vocal affirmations or gifts or remembering things they say, ect. *They are big co-sleepers. It doesn't have to be with you, it can be their brother pair or another bitty or even an animal, but they sleep better with a bed partner. *Grims really like baths, especially bubble baths! Just soaking in the water is super comforting. Don't be surprised if they try to bathe with you! *They don't like Liars, being lied to, or having to lie themselves. If you have a Grim, refrain from asking them to lie for you, as they really despise doing so. But they love you, so they'll do it (but who knows how much that will damage your relationship) *Grims hates when people make a big deal out of something they feels is stupid or not worth doing. *They don't like to be forced into something or left out of things on purpose. They’re really open and honest about when they don't like something or want something or if they’re uncomfortable, and if you ignore that, it might lead to a lashing out and upset bitty.

Other- *This Sans prefers flowy, loose clothes with hoods to make them feel comfortable. It doesn't have to be a full on robe or cloak, a hoodie would work just fine, but they really like the hoods. Also keep in mind he doesn't mind tighter under clothes but he still prefers loose outerwear. *Do not put Grims with violent bitties that will attack if left alone. Since Grims are protective, they will defend themselves and others if attacked, and will even kill if forced (which is horrible for their mental health). Antagonistic and Annoying bitties are fine, just make sure they know not to overstep. *Also don't do well with bitties that constantly belittle or upset the bitties they have decided to protect. *Grims get along with most other bitties, and don't really care even if they don't. Bitties that try to start something will be met with an amused smirk and maybe a sarcastic head pat if they can get away with it. Bitties that continue to try and fight, argue or control a Grim maybe be met with a slowly more and more annoyed Grim, and will be subjected to cold eyebrow raises and might even go as far as trapping them in a cage made of magic or whatever they find around the house. If attacked, they will usually just flee or restrain the attacker. But in life or death, they will not hesitate to attack and kill. However be warned this will most definitely put a strain on their mental state.

Magic- *Grims magic is blue, and they are amazingly good at magic constructs in shapes. (like, instead of wisps of magic, they actually make shapes and platforms). This is because they have a lot of magic for their size and magical output, so they focus it into control. *They are unable to kill people with their powers, unless they are oddly powerful (usually illegal power amplifiers or one with high LV), but they are fully capable of killing bitties if forced. *If there are multiple Grims in a group, they will amplify each other's magic, but even one Papatos can calm and even it out. *Grims passively feed on soul energy! They mostly will feed on you, but also other bitties in larger groups! (which can leads them being amped as well)

Grimdark- *They are prone to snapping and losing their minds, this is what we call going Grimdark. *This is mostly caused by abuse and not being taken care of correctly, but can also happen if they don't output their magic often enough (something very hard to do, like, months of not using magic at all, or years of barley using it), or is around death too often. Them being around or fed too much excess magic cant turn them Grimdark but it can Amp their magic to a more powerful level.  *They will become volatile, paranoid, and their magic will be very reactive. They may attack you, pets, and/or other bitties. They most likely wont be in the right state of mind and have wild mood swings, going from angry to guilt to fear to paranoia, ect. *You might start to feel ill or even sick, this is because they are forcibly draining your life force. They do this in panic mode as a self defense mechanism. A normal Grim can't kill you like this, and will only make you sick, but one who has been around other magic and has been amped, or a particularly powerful one can if your not careful enough. *A normal grim can easily kill a bitty like this however, either by attacks or draining their life force.  *Their bones will darken, becoming an ashen gray and their magic will leak excessively from their eyes, hands (and somtimes other places like joints, feet, mouth, ect). Their magic may ‘burn’ their bones for a lack of a better term and leave markings behind. *If this happens to your Grim, call the center as quick as possible as we’re fully equipped to deal with the dangerous and scared bitties. All Grim owners are required to sign a waver that says you accept the possibility of this upon adopting, but know that a brought in grimdark Grim will temporally be taken from your care until we rule that it wasn't abuse or purposeful neglect that lead to the process. But please dont try and deal with it yourself, it can be very dangerous to you and other bitties if you have em.  *Recovered Grimdarks will still have ashy gray bones (but will be lighter), and they will occasionally still have magical outbursts (this can be trained and worked upon to help manage). They will also have the ‘magic burn’ marks for the rest of their lives and no way to get rid of them sadly. No two burns look the same. *Former Grimdarks go up level 2 of care, and Grims in immediate danger of going Grimdark or are currently Grimdark are level 4. Enhanced or boosted Grims going Grimdark are level 5 and require immediate action to subdue. These bitties have 18+ qualities but aren't 18+ necessarily. Feel free to ignore their heats if you so chooseThey are also completely free to adopt, no need to ask!

[wilccard]

☺ ♣ ♥ !! ☼ ?? ► ↕

                                     ( modern au ) ::: accepting.

☺ for a loving/affectionate text 

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  when did we turn into the third floor gays that buy flowers and leave them on the window sill for ages? 🙄

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  several poets would be disappointed in us. i won’t bother listing them here.😒 just buy new flowers THE ONES THAT DON’T DIE.

♣ for a drunk text

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  [ SPEECH TO TEXT ] hello babe why is your family cruella de vil. ville. veel? how do you spell

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  i’m getting grilled for no fuckjng sreason. Reason. why do they know my motherss name??? something abt? her not finishing college? fucking ell

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  HOW AM I AT UR FAMILY PARTY BEFROE YOU...! GET HERE 🤡

♥ for a sexual/naughty text 

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  oh my god, august, the things that does to me.

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  [ VIDEO 03:38 ]

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  okay, longer than usual, but. what’s the point in having a bathroom mirror if not this. ALSO, USE HEADPHONES. EXPLICIT DESCRIPTIONS AHEAD.

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  if you use this to destroy my nonexistent political career (since my life is an appendage to yours at this point, no jk) at least take it to the finish line

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]] [ IMAGE ] yea btw we need to clean the bathroom mirror.

!! for a threatening text 

[[  sutherlandslide. ]]  [ 2018 ] [ drafted ] i cannot believe you’d pull this stunt. what’s the point in bringing him to the dorm room, you absolute idiot, you have a condo in the city. yOU LEFT THE DOOR OPEN. OF COURSE I’D WALK IN ON YOU TWO. you’d think i?? what, wouldn’t catch on? wouldn’t see through the paperthinfuckingveil of it? I AM NOT BLOODY TWELVE. I’M A POLI SCI MAJOR THIS IS LIKE... COLD WAR TACTICS 101. i cannot believe you’d use up and break the heart of some random bloke just to prove a point - people are people you absolute fucking brat. you spoiled, silverspoon asshole. shit like this, august? it’s exactly the reason i need to go. i just... need some time away. a world that doesn’t revolve around this will-they-wont-they we keep doing.

☼ for a morning text 

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  it’s like i woke up and i no longer know who i am

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  or as if i just found out. yea, definitely the latter

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  cannot believe it took us this long to do this. mostly me, but shush. i’m losing it in the fucking subway i cannot wait to get back home.

?? for a strange/vague text

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  the polls close in at 10, go go go go !!! you can make it to the first interview if you drop everything right now. ed should be there.

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  i’m omw, just trying to GET A FUCKING RIDe. if central lon traffic isn’t your priority for the first quarter i’m quitting.

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  also, if this works out.... and i’m saying IF. if. we should probably get new phones for these messages??? i’m not freaking out. just... I just want to hold you right now. to be there for whatever they announce.

► for a text not meant for you

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  jonathan i have no idea what they teach you in med school but. That thing you suggested? Christ i saw stars. i’m p sure august can’t walk straight 👌

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  wait

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  SMHhhhhh no way 🙃🙃🙃. they show shit like this on twitter and i always said it’s utterly fake tosh. well GUESS WHAT? I’M BEING PUNISHED FOR MY SKEPTICISM. FOR MY HUBRIS.

[[  willem 🍑💕 ]]  i am so sorry lol.

↕ for a scared/worried text

[[  sutherlandslide. ]]  [ 2019 ]  this is a temp phone so i’m not sure if it’ll get through. thank God the contacts saved. S. Jobs looking out for me from beyond the grave i guess haha.

[[  sutherlandslide. ]] [ 2019 ] okay, okay. here’s to cutting the crap in the new year: your mom texted. actually, she didn’t, she phoned MY mom, who was already riled up for not being able to reach me, so I assume that just amped her up. cue their collective paranoia that we’re somehow both gonna die at 5000 miles from one another but in perfect sync. cue my mom phoning the EMBASSY. she cried for like an hour but i managed to get from her that you’re?? in a bad way?? on some stuff?? it still wasn’t clear. you’re using?

[[  sutherlandslide. ]] [ 2019 ] one, what, and two, what the fuck? you never did that shit. we never did that shit. i took like two bumps in fresher’s week and you had to hold my hair back as i was throwing up in someone’s garden. and then you stayed up with me literally all through the night while i kept saying i can hear my teeth speak, which, Yeah. so how

[[  sutherlandslide. ]] [ 2019 ] God this PHONE. how did you get from that to just doing lines on the reg? and what else? there better not be an else. there better not is all i’m saying. and no i don’t mean the swedish/danish/whatever boyfriend, you can go through the GQ catalogue for all i care & as long as you’re safe. i mean an ILLEGAL sort of else. God, August, what happened to you? you had plans. we had plans? just because David Cameron can be caught on camera dicking a pig or something doesn’t mean it’s a free for all in world politics. one footage of the wrong angle, the right angle, and it just. it all goes to shit.

[[  sutherlandslide. ]] [ 2019 ] I don’t even know if I’m giving you this ole slap on the wrist as your future PR or manager or... or just as me. I think it’s just as me. I cannot cope with the thought of you snorting shit off someone’s hand in a glitzy loo somewhere. I cannot cope with the fact that? This is who you are when I’m not there? Was this who you’ve always been? Where the fuck was I during it? What did I not see? It sends me bloody raving. It sends me just... somewhere so dark and so off the edge of the world.

[[  sutherlandslide. ]] [ 2019 ] I’m coming home.