#the rumination and guilt was especially bad

[thepurplecardinal]

my mind's persistence

all the times i check nutrition labels and serving sizes

the times i look at added sugars on my flabby thighs

all the times i pray for calories to burn off my body

the times i wait for the scale to not reflect reality

all the times i step with my right and not with my left

the times my world feels lopsided, i wish for it to be perfect

all the times my mind plays tricks to even out my soul

the times i feel invisible stains on everything i hold

all the times i mind my tongue and force it into silence

the times where, against my better judgement, i commit to nonviolence

all the times i worry my voice will somehow betray me

the times i’m scared the bridges i’ve built will become debris

all the times i’m scared that i’ve done everything wrong

the times i fear i’ll never belong

all the times i doubt myself into self-isolation

the times my brain hands me nightmares of my own creation

all the times i used to pray to a god who didn’t hear me

the times i gave myself hope and cried myself to sleep

all the times i believed i was followed by an angel

the times i feel guilty for not being grateful

all the times i beg for my brain to survive the nights

the times i will my sanity to afford life’s price

all the times i hope that i secure a spot in the afterlife

the times i worry about what heaven’s like

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

This has been ruminating since s2e3 aired and I finally want to share my thoughts about the scene where Stede comes aboard the Revenge to see the crew eating the dead seagull. I think there are a lot of layers going on here and they're all fascinating.

The first part is the obvious - the crew have killed the "impossible bird" that Ed spoke about in s2e1. They have put Ed's suicidal plan, to rob and sail forever and ever, without end, to an end.

There are so many sailor's myths about seabirds. When Ed spoke of the "impossible bird," he was referring to legends about albatrosses, but albatrosses and seagulls are often conflated together in a lot of folklore. The most well-known myth about seabirds is that it's bad luck to kill them; less well-known is how that's because in part sailors often believed that seagulls were the souls of dead sailors.

The crew have killed the greatest sailor they've ever known, and killing the seagull is like them reliving what they've done. They've had to kill not only a great sailor but a man who they loved and respected, and it's like they're literally eating their guilt here.

Despite how guilty we know the crew are, though - one episode later we see them scrubbing at blood only they could see in the spot they "killed" Ed, and narratively that's just so fucking delicious - in this moment they do not look guilty. Jim's face especially looks like a challenge - Stede's back. That's great. But he wasn't there, and they did what they had to do. I think this moment contributes to Stede's understanding that he cannot blame the crew for what happened - it was terrible, for everyone involved, and of course the crew weren't happy to beat Ed to death, but what else could they have done?

One last thing: it's bad luck to kill a seabird, and in OFMD the death of seagulls isn't just some nebulous bad thing, it's always associated with a painful fracture in the crew. In s1, Karl's death allowed Calico Jack to manipulate Ed into leaving, and in s2, the death of the seagull is tied to the end of Ed's suicidal spiral and the crew's guilt for "killing" him.

[ramenrescue]

do you any headcanons/aus/thoughts on usao/ousa ? loved your analysis of ogata/asirpa

Oh boy, I might have too many thoughts about Usami and Ogata so this may have to come in parts, especially the AUs. I have started writing a modern day reincarnation fic for them because I am just very feral about these two at the moment, so if I ever finish that and feel compelled to put it out to the world I'll let you know. The thing about writing fic or manga is like -- I can write little snippets but to piece them together into one coherent story is very difficult.

Anyway, your ask came at such a prompt time because I managed to buy the Japanese volumes on Bookwalker for almost 50% off and I specifically reread the main parts with Usami, so they are quite fresh in my mind. I think I agree with other analyses I have read about Usami in that he is a direct foil to Ogata. And this can be seen in their superficial traits: Ogata has many square-shaped, angular, sharp motifs on his face, like his square-shaped eyes, square shaped iris, squared eyebrows, square jawline, square hairline, while Usami has rounded tips on his eyelashes, round moles on his cheeks, rounded lips (cupid's bow), concentric circles for his pupil/iris, and rounded brows. Usami excels at close-range combat, while Ogata excels at long-range combat. Usami grew up amongst a large family with many siblings, while Ogata grew up practically an only child.

But here's the weird part -- I actually don't think they are complete opposites -- I think they have some things in common. <- more on this later.

It is interesting how in Usami's backstory (Chapter 227), Tsurumi (in conversation with the dojo owner) refers to Usami as a "dog among sheep" and a "born soldier who is highly loyal, combative, and is able to kill without remorse or regret". Then, it cuts to Usami in present day saying he predicts the serial killer in Sapporo will return to the scene of the crime and masturbate while reminiscing of their crimes because he understands that sentiment on a personal level. Usami here appears to show understanding that he possesses an innate capacity for violence.

Ogata was always wondering about the whole nature vs nurture question -- like whether lacking remorse for the act of killing is something one is born with or a product of one's environment (ex. bad childhood, war). Usami is a shining example that humans can in fact kill without remorse, and everyone except Ogata knows Usami is an exception to the rule. Usami is well aware this is what makes him special and this is one of the reasons why Tsurumi values him so much as a subordinate.

The problem with Ogata is that because he appears to have very little personal connections outside of Usami during the war (which is... kind of cute in a pitiable way?), he misconstrues that people like Usami are the majority. Usami agrees with all of Ogata's skewed interpretations and analyses that "all (majority of) people do not feel remorse in the act of killing" and in doing that, he is straight up lying. Usami knows people like himself are in the minority -- and because his analysis of Ogata's character was so spot on -- I'll go as far to say Usami knows Ogata is "normal" -- because if Ogata were truly a "born soldier" like Usami, he would not be ruminating about the philosophy of guilt and killing and questioning himself and bouncing his ideas off of another person -- he would just simply, be. Usami receives further confirmation that Ogata is simply, "just a guy", when he overhears Ogata calling Yusaku's name in his sleep. Usami also calls Ogata a snot-nosed brat quite a number of times, and I think that is alluding to Usami knowing that Ogata is just a sheep wearing wolf's skin.

It's interesting that Ogata entrusted the inner workings of his mind to Usami. I thought about this and I came to the conclusion that maybe he saw his own mother in Usami -- which I know, it's kind of insane, but I'm going somewhere with this! In Chapter 304, when Ogata is reminiscing about his mother, it appears she has a prominent cupid's bow -- a physical characteristic possessed by Usami. His mother likely called Ogata by his first name, and Usami is shown to be THE only person in present day who calls Ogata by his first name. Ogata's mom was head over heels over a man in a position of power with a wife who never returned the same level of love, while Usami is head over heels over a "promiscuous" man in a position of power who will likely never return the same level of affection that he's outputting. Another interesting side note: Usami chides Ogata for being the illegitimate son of an escort* and back in the Edo period, women in the business would chop off their pinkie as a sign of loyalty to their patron. Although Ogata likely did not have a good vantage point (nor did he care) to observe Usami's final moments, I think it's still worth mentioning that Usami getting his pinkie chomped off by Tsurumi resembles an escort chopping off her finger as a sign of ultimate devotion to her customer, lol. Anyway, I think because Ogata drew parallels between Yusaku and Asirpa, it is not so far fetched that he saw his mother in Usami -- and ultimately his projection made him trust Usami more than one ever should. There is one more important evidence that Ogata saw his mother in Usami -- in that he killed both of them with similar intent. He killed his mom not out of hatred, but because he wanted to put her out of her misery -- and he thought that if his father came to her funeral, she would be happy. Before he shoots Usami, he says something like "if you're so worried about being Tsurumi's cheapest pawn, why don't you see what his face looks like at your funeral," and in a way, he is putting Usami out of his miserable state of feeling inadequate. Ogata killed his mother with conviction that the positive outcome would happen, while he kills Usami with more of a neutral outlook -- and interestingly, Ogata, by killing Usami, gave Usami the thing he wanted most in life -- a reaffirmation from Tsurumi that he was his one and only (which, whether Tsurumi was telling the truth or not is dubious from a reader's POV, but alas, we are happy for Usami).

So here we return to my earlier point -- that they are crafted to be very different from each other, but they do possess similarities. One obvious one is that they both yearn for affection from Tsurumi -- which highlights another difference in that, yes they both yearn for love, but the love they seek are different. Usami yearns for love from one person and one person only, while Ogata is more agnostic and yearns for love from pretty much anyone who is willing to give him attention. But here's the thing -- I think Ogata's yearning for affection is a product of his environment -- and I think Usami's yearning to be someone's one and only, is also a product of his environment! I think that because he grew up in a large family, the love from his parents was dispersed amongst all of their children***, fostering an environment ripe for someone like Tsurumi to sweep him off his feet and pour "love" into this near-empty vessel. Usami felt intoxicated by the notion of being someone's one and only, that his jealousy-filled-rage led him to murder. I'd argue that without the addition of Tsurumi, there would be no Usami. Tsurumi compared Usami not to a wolf or a bear -- but a domesticated dog -- which is not, by itself, likely to commit acts of violence**. A soldier becomes a soldier only when commanded -- STEERED in the right direction, much like a dog will become violent when raised to do so. Therefore, a version of Usami who never met a sweet-talker like Tsurumi in his formative years, would likely not grow up to be an ultra-loyal killing-machine. To sum, I believe Usami's capacity for violence is an innate quality that can only be harnessed by the right environment.

Thank you for the question! One thing I still haven't quite wrapped my mind around is how after Ogata shoots Usami, he says "thank you, Usami, your death has completed me as a sniper." Okay??? What does he mean by that! I don't know! So if you or anyone reading this has any thoughts I'd love to know!

--

*=note that 商売女can include prostitutes and geisha, and the lines between geisha and prostitution was a lot blurrier back then so I'm just calling them an "escort" although Ogata's mom is officially known to be a former geisha

**=note that this is a sweeping generalization and I am aware different dog breeds do display varying levels of unpredictable, aggressive behavior

***=I just want to point out that Usami's parents are portrayed as being in love with each other, so they may have had that many kids as a result of lack of contraception. There's a scene in Vagabond with a couple who are having sex despite their many children crying out of hunger, and it kind of reminds me of that...

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Feelings and emotions: when they trigger us, we generally may act in 3 different ways (and it also depends on how far we are in our healing path about them).

The first way is the healthiest one (we are on a good path at least): we recognize an emotion, allow ourselves to feel it, and we embrace those feelings (no matter what kind). We know what they mean and how/why we have them (especially in case of triggers), we process them, we validate them and ourselves, we send an understanding, compassionate and accepting response to ourselves, body and mind. (Always remember our emotions and feelings move through our body too. So be aware of how they do it inside of you, and embrace that as well. Be kind and respect your whole self).

The second one is kinda halfway (but not healthy either): instead of allowing the emotion to flow, we tend to over-analyze it and end up judging it negatively/see it as a negative sign. We don't validate it, we feel bad about what we feel (self guilt/shaming), so we start ruminating, overthinking/obessing, worrying, stressing (high heart rate/anxiety) but even avoding our feeling and blaming it and ourselves.

The third one is the most problematic for us, cause it's based on completely avoiding our emotions/feelings from the start. We literally suppress them, numb ourselves in order to not feel (may use also substances that help this process as alcohol or worse), we may even grow eating disorders/binge eating, self gaslight or dissociate. We pretend what we feel is not there, it doesn't exist. We may focus on something else to not overthink, worry, stress over it. We may still blame ourselves and ruminating, even if we try not to with all we have. We may end up in a burnout.

[she-who-fights-and-writes]

hello! i checked your blog and couldn’t see anything but i apologise if i missed it! do you have any tips on writing regret? for example character a does something to upset character b and now character a is dealing with the aftermath of that

Tips on How to Write Regret

Characters make mistakes, but sometimes it can be difficult to write how they're feeling in the aftermath of those mistakes. Here are some tips and tricks on how to write regret!

These are what I personally try to take into account when writing regret, and I definitely can't cover everything, so feel free to add in your own tidbits of advice!

1. Measure the Regret Based on the Mistake (and your character!)

Regret is a spectrum. It ebbs and flows, rising up to be absolutely suffocating at some times and fading into the background at others. Depending on the mistake your character made and the way that your character personally deals with the knowledge of making such a mistake, their regret is going to differ in intensity.

The reactions of your characters to regret are an incredible way to make them more three-dimensional--especially when the regret (seemingly!) doesn't match the mistake.

Why are they so apologetic and remorseful over something as simple as breaking a mug?

Why do they not seem to care at all that a civilian has become collateral damage?

A character's supposed overreaction or underreaction to certain things can be a great source of tension between your cast.

Just be sure that an overreaction/underreaction to a situation matches your character's personality...or, if it doesn't, make sure the moment counts!

A reader is going to be incredibly jarred if the normally stoic character breaks into tears over a mistake, or if a normally emotional character is cold in the face of a tragedy, so you'll want to save these moments for points of high tension or importance!

2. Pace Your Regret Carefully

Sometimes regret isn't as simple as an apology and resolution. Regret can linger, which is why it's important to pace your character's regret carefully if it's prolonged throughout the story.

If your character's regret is coming from an unresolved argument with another character, you may want to avoid dragging the argument out in a dramatic, constant unwarranted miscommunication kind of way; many readers have started turning their backs on the miscommunication trope, so be warned! Instead, you can have it simmer and fester rather than exploding in bursts, forcing the characters to come to terms with this wall between them as they try to rebuild their relationship.

(Also, make sure you don't completely eliminate apologizing from the equation! Sometimes an apology and resolution can be better for your plot than a cycle of miscommunication; there's nothing more potent than the big "I'm Sorry" scene!)

If your character's regret comes from past mistakes that can never be corrected, you may want to explore the healing process, and how certain people cope with long-term regret.

3. Some Symptoms of Regret

Rapid or unsteady heartbeat

Shaking (hands, legs, etc.)

Chills

Insomnia/Fitful sleep

Rumination

Ruthless criticism of oneself

Perfectionism/high expectations

Crying

Embarrassment/shame (and all the things linked to that: i.e. face feeling hot, wanting to hide, wishing you could melt into your shoes)

Avoiding talking about the mistake

Constantly going over the mistake in their head

Short temper from stress

Defensiveness

Denial

Headaches

Resentment

Queasiness (since regret and guilt are linked to anxiety, they're often described as "a pit in your stomach" or "a bad feeling in your gut" so play around with ways to talk about this feeling)

At times, your character may forget about their regret if they're occupied, which is why regret often hurts the most when they're alone with their thoughts. Either that, or another character brings it up or there is a trigger of some kind to remind them of their mistake.

4. Ways that People Cope With Regret

Therapy/talking about it with others (the healthiest way!)

Refusing to think or talk about it at all

People pleasing and approval-seeking behaviors/attempts to make up for their mistake

Inability to say no (especially to someone they've wronged)

Convincing themselves that they were in the right

Over-apologizing or refusing to apologize at all

Turning to alcohol or drugs

Hope this helped, and happy writing!

[tropes-and-tales-archives]

More Precious Than Rubies: 6a

This is an alternate timeline story that has a Rafael Barba track and a Sonny Carisi track. The two paths split off in part 3.

WC: 4285

TW: Idiots in love; angst; smut (PiV, protected; mild mentions of oral sex). 18+ only.

AN: The prompt was "So...what are we now?"

In the list of all the bad decisions you’d made in your life, sleeping with opposing counsel ranked right near the top.  At the very top?  Sleeping with opposing counsel – twice – without protection.

When you woke up the following morning and found Barba long gone, it had taken exactly two seconds for an icy fear to wash over you.  You doubted you’d end up pregnant, the timing didn’t seem likely, but you still got dressed and half-walked, half-sprinted to the nearest pharmacy for a healthy dose of Plan B.  You took it and spent the rest of the weekend feeling cranky, nauseous, and headachy.

Exactly the right frame of mind to write up your motions to reopen a handful of cases that Rudnick had touched as the medical examiner.  If Barba hadn’t fled in the morning like a guilty criminal, you might feel worse to be raining hell down on the District Attorney’s office.  You knew that if it wasn’t you, though, it’d be someone else.  The sharks were circling. 

It may as well be the scrappy, underfed public defender shark instead of a sleek or overfed Calhoun or Buchanan.

********

Barba didn’t see you for a few days.  He spent the weekend lying low and feeling guilty, and when his guilt eased up, he thought about how you had looked when you had rode him early that morning.  Then the guilt returned threefold.  In retrospect, he was pretty certain that you’d been sober enough to consent, especially for the second round, which made him feel worse for fleeing.

It wasn’t until the very early hours of Monday morning that he woke up with a gasp, the realization of what he’d done truly sinking in.  He’d had sex with you twice without protection, and he had no clue if you were on the pill or not.   

His forehead broke out in a fine sheen of sweat as he considered the implications.  He was probably fine.  Probably.  But what if he – and you – weren’t fine?  He’d only ever had one close call before when he was much younger.  Logistically, he was in a much better place to handle an unplanned pregnancy…his mind reeled, and he felt himself get stuck in a ruminative cycle of thinking, worrying over the same point over and over:  what if he’d gotten you pregnant?

He saw you the following Wednesday, and you looked too stern to be pregnant.  You were coming out of the floor that held the Clerk of Courts, and when you saw Barba, your stern look turned to one that was positively predatory.

The fact that you were carrying a wide, stretched out accordion file – now empty – made his stomach sink even further.

You looked like you were just going to walk past him without a word, but he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a few days.  He turned and fell in beside you, and he laid a gentle hand on your elbow.  “Can I have a word, counselor?” he asked.

You jerked your elbow out of his hand, but he stuck by your side and matched you step for step, so you finally huffed and stopped walking.  “Fine,” you snapped.  You looked around and then gestured towards the stairwell.  “Come on.”

He followed you, and once the heavy fire door slammed behind him, you turned to face him. 

“I want to apologize,” he started, but you cut him off. 

“Don’t bother.  Anything else?”  When he didn’t answer right away, you went to step past him.  As you reached for the door, he stopped you by laying a hand on your outstretched arm.

“Are we…okay?” he asked.

You tilted your head.  “What do you mean, ‘okay’?”

He exhaled a heavy breath through his nose.  “I mean, we didn’t use protection.”

You looked at him a long minute.  “It’s fine.  I took my body-weight in Plan B, and I have a clean bill of health.”  You smirked and added, “compassion isn’t sexually transmitted, so you’re safe.”

He bit back a smile that threatened to cross his face.  “Thank god.  I’d hate to have the urge to hug criminals.”

You didn’t seem to feel a compunction to smile at him.  Instead, you stared at him another moment, and to break the silence, Barba tried to apologize again.

“I said not to bother,” you reminded him.  “Besides, I got my revenge.”

“How so?”

You held up the empty folder with that vulturine grin, all teeth like some sort of predator.  “You ever see the movie ‘Groundhog Day’?  How would you and your office like to relive some of your greatest hits?”

He inhaled sharply.  “You filed a motion to reopen a case?  Which one?”

Your smile widened.  “Which ones is the better question.”

“How dare you…”

“How dare Carl Rudnick,” you snapped, talking over him.  “I have to go.  You should probably go too.  You have some work to do, Mr. Barba.”

Then you stepped past him and shoved open the stairwell door, and while his temper was stoked to a heated pitch, his gaze still slipped down to watch your ass as you marched away from him.

********

You had filed four motions, and all four were granted.  Two were pleaded down with both clients out immediately on time already served.  Another had his conviction completely overturned once an outside lab handled the testing.  The fourth would go back to trial, but without the “expert” testimony of Rudnick, everything else was circumstantial.  And now you could play the sympathetic, unjustly convicted card with the jury.

And you had been right – your four were just the beginning of a rapidly cresting wave that was crashing around the District Attorney’s office. 

You did, ultimately, feel bad for Barba.  You saw him in the courthouse, and he looked positively haggard.  So did O’Dwyer and Callier and every other employee of the D.A.’s office.  It wasn’t their fault.  They were just reaping the bitter harvest of what a serial killing medical examiner had sowed.

The sting of Barba’s cowardly fleeing after your hookup lost its fire too. 

You were leaving a local precinct after meeting with a new client, and you glanced down at your watch.  It was late afternoon, when most people were wrapping up for the day, but you knew Barba would be in for a long night.  Maybe you could bring a peace offering.

His admin assistant was already gone by the time you got there, so you knocked on the door and waited for him to call you in.  When he did and when you entered his office, you didn’t miss the slight smile he gave you.  He was sitting on his couch, with case files scattered beside him and on the ground in front of him.

“I come bearing gifts,” you said as you held up the coffee.  He stood up and gestured for you to sit as he shifted his paperwork off of the spot beside him.  Then he took the coffee from you with a murmured thanks.

He took a sip and groaned at it – you’d sprung for the good stuff, since a man with such nice suits would never settle for a Starbucks blonde roast.  “This in no way makes up for all the motions you’ve filed,” he said. 

“I filed four.  I heard Calhoun filed more than that.”

He groaned again, this time in pain.  “Yeah, she filed more than twenty.  Rudnick worked on a lot of cases.  And this doesn’t even count the internal investigation in other cases that Rudnick ruled as suicide or accidental deaths.  The state is re-opening everything to make sure nothing untoward slipped through.”

“Long days?”

“And long nights, and long weekends.”

“I’m sorry to hear it, Barba,” you said, and he glanced over at you.  His eyes had the bleary, blood-shot look of a man who’d been reading all day.

He snorted.  “Sure.  This is your revenge for me acting like an ass.”

“Someone else was going to file first,” you pointed out.  “I just got mine in before the avalanche.”

“Worked out for you.  You got one conviction completely overturned.”  He sipped his coffee.  “Quite a feather in a young lawyer’s cap.”

You heaved a sigh and turned to face him, tucking a leg under you on the couch.  “This isn’t about recognition for me, Barba.”

“It’s about hugs.”

There he was.  He had been a tired, pitiable specimen when you’d come into his office, slumped over a pile of cases that he thought had been closed.  But revived with strong Italian roast, he was back to his snarky, asshole self.  You should have gotten him a Starbucks after all.

“Look,” you said, and you held up a finger to start ticking off your points, all the reasons that the right to competent counsel was an important hallmark of American justice.  Before you could even start, though, he plunked his coffee down on the side table and was on you.  He laid his hand on the back of your head and pulled you toward him just as he was leaning closer to you.

“Let’s skip the arguing, just for today,” he said, and his eyes scanned your face for any emotion that might betray your disapproval or approval.  You nodded faintly, and he closed the gap between you.

His kiss was firm but his lips were as soft as you remembered.  And you’d thought about your evening together numerous times, too many times, so it didn’t take much to restoke that flame.  You tilted your head a bit and parted your lips, and he took advantage and slid his tongue into your mouth.  You could taste the bitter coffee on him, and beyond it, the familiar taste of him that brought you back to that night in your apartment.  It sent a bolt of uncomfortable desire straight to your core.

Maybe he could taste you too because he groaned into your mouth and pulled you closer to him.  It was an awkward angle on the couch.  Neither of you seemed willing to break the kiss, though, so you each adjusted by fractions, fumbling against each other.  You tried to pull him to you first, but he was stronger, and you found yourself straddling his lap.  Your pencil skirt strained against your thighs, and it was pushed up to an almost obscene height.

You ran your hands over his broad chest, and his own hands were on your waist, tugging your silk blouse from your waistband so that he could touch the bare skin of your back.  His tongue claimed your mouth, and it reminded you of the other ways he’d claimed you.  You rolled your hips against the growing bulge in his pants, and he groaned as he broke the kiss.

“We should stop,” he said.  His voice was a low growl that made you even wetter than you already were.

You wanted to point out that he started it, but you only nodded and tried to dismount.  His hands still held you fast though, his warm palms stoking the fire already burning in you.  You looked at him, confused, and his irises seemed even more of a brilliant green against the red rims of his eyelids.  You wriggled against him – not to turn him on, even though it made him inhale sharply – to try to climb off, but he moved one of his hands from your back to your head and pulled you back down to kiss him.

You broke away after a moment.  “Wait, do you want to stop?”  He shifted his head so that his mouth was near you ear.  You could feel his breath, heavy against you, and it sent a delicious shudder through you.

“Absolutely not,” he growled.  His hands drifted down to your hips, and he pulled you against him to drive home the point.  “I only said we should.”

Your voice was shaky with lust.  “Well, we don’t have protection, so we need too.”

He sighed against your ear, then pressed a gentle kiss on the hinge of your jaw.  You could feel the disappointment coming off of him in waves:  he was tired and over-worked, and he probably needed a release as much as you did.  You climbed off of him, and he didn’t stop you this time.

“Hey, wait,” he said.  He stood up and strode over to his desk, and he pulled open the middle drawer.  You heard him rifling through the junk – heard the rattle of loose coins, the rustling of paper.  “Here,” he said triumphantly, and you stood up and walked over to join him behind his desk. 

He held his hand out, a fistful of condoms in it. 

“You keep condoms in your desk, Barba?  Gross.”  You pulled a disgusted face at the implications.  “You having a lot of sex in here?”

His look of triumph twisted into concern when he saw your face.  “No, it’s not like that.  SVU hosted an enthusiastic consent seminar at Hudson University.  See?”  He tossed you one – one side of the wrapper had the NYPD logo.  “Rollins stuffed a bunch into my briefcase when I wasn’t looking.  I came back to my office and there was a whole pile in there.”

You snorted at the ridiculousness of an NYPD-branded condom.  “Nothing gets college kids horny like the police.”  You tossed it back at him, and he fumbled it.  He laid the entire handful on his desk and reached for you again.  He pulled you flush against him, and you could feel him still, mostly hard and growing harder by the moment.

“We don’t have to stop now,” he murmured.

“But we should, probably.”

“Probably.  This is a terrible idea,” he agreed.  He laid one hand on your ass, pulling you closer to him.  The other hand was on the back of your head, pulling your mouth back to his. 

You laid your own palms on his chest again, sliding them under his ludicrous suspenders.  “Nothing good can come of it.” 

“Yeah,” he huffed.  “You might get mad at me and dump a pile of work on my office.”

You pulled your head back and glared at him.  “I was mad because you fled my apartment like it was the scene of a crime, you…”

You caught his grin as he leaned forward and captured your mouth, cutting you off before you could build up any steam. 

It was a short distance from kissing to fucking.  Neither of you seemed to need any foreplay beyond what you’d already done, and you both seemed too desperate for the other’s touch.  He sat you on the edge of his desk, and then he unzipped himself and unrolled one of the NYPD-approved condoms onto his length. 

The only words you exchanged from that point was when he asked if you were sure, and you had smirked and told him that you enthusiastically consented to him fucking you.  He placed his hands on your knees and spread your legs apart, and he stepped between them.  He stroked a lone finger against the fabric of your panties, growling at how soaked they were, and then he pushed the fabric to the side and pressed the tip of his cock against your entrance.

He looked at you again, probably for signs of hesitation or reluctance, so you pulled him closer to you.  You reached down and grabbed his ass and drew him into you, loving the feel of fullness as he settled his full length into you.

Barba hissed something garbled, and he put a hand on the small of your back as he drove into you.  He reached down with his other hand and wrapped your left leg around his waist, and then he picked up the pace, fucking you steadily.  You wrapped your own arms around his shoulders, and he bent his head to bury it against your upper chest.  Your heart was pounding so hard that you were sure he could hear it.

You wrapped your other leg around him, helping him drive into you.  Every time he bottomed out, his pelvis ground against your clit, and your orgasm overtook you quickly.  You gave a low moan, tried to keep quiet in case anyone was around.  You could feel him shuddering against you with his own release, and you trembled against him as your vision was awash in white stars behind your eyelids.

“Jesus,” he muttered against you once he recovered, and he pulled out of you and turned away, oddly shy as he cleaned himself up as best as he could.  You slid off of the desk on shaky legs and straightened your own situation.  You smoothed out your skirt and tucked your blouse back in, and you tried to tuck the loose strands of hair behind your ears.

Then you turned to leave.  He caught your movement out of the corner of his eye.  “Are you leaving without saying goodbye?” he asked, incredulous.

“Now you know how it feels, Barba.”  You walked carefully, your legs still a little weak, and reached the office door.

“Have a good night,” he called out.

“You too,” you replied, not even catching yourself until you caught his bark of laughter behind you.  You turned to look at him, and you shook a chiding finger at him. 

“That wasn’t me saying goodbye,” you said.  “You’re ordered to feel badly now.”

He held up his hands in surrender.  “You’re the boss,” he said, but he smirked as he said it.

********

Barba knew it was a terrible idea, hooking up with opposing counsel. 

On the other hand, the forbidden nature of it made it even hotter – and it was already pretty hot without any help.  Those pencil skirts you seemed to prefer made your ass look amazing, and when you put your feisty mouth to other purpose, it was enough to drive Barba wild.

You seemed to feel the same.  He caught you at least once openly ogling him.  He had been in a waistcoat with his sleeves rolled up, and he made a mental note to loosen up his clothing more around you. 

And in all the times you coupled, you reached for him first at least half of the time.  It definitely wasn’t one-sided.

It started with incidental hooking up.  You’d drop off some paperwork for him, he’d stop by your ridiculously small office to talk plea deal.  You’d handle business and then get to separate business. 

There was the time he bent you over your desk and fucked you from behind, savoring the sight of your ass as he plunged into you.  The time you knelt in front of him with a smile that was almost shy and showed him what your mouth could do.  The time he knelt in front of you and showed you the same.

That time had been especially memorable.  He had to go to arraignment after that, and he had given the judge the salient details of the charges with the taste of you still in his mouth.

There was even a feverish episode in the men’s room of the courthouse, after hours.  His office was being vacuumed by the custodial staff, so he had pulled you into the restroom and fucked you against the stall as he held one hand over your mouth to muffle your sounds.

From the incidental hooking up came a more essential sort of hooking up.  It started when he called you one night, lonely.  He truly just wanted to hear a friendly voice, even if the voice was usually giving him hell about his job.  But you had offered to come over, and even though Barba knew it was just a hook-up for you, he had jumped on the offer.

You’d been in a nice dress, and he had felt a sting of jealousy when he imagined you on a date, but you were with him then and there.  He had carried you to his room and taken his time with you, extending your time together. 

But you had still left afterwards.  Barba always tried to draw it out at the end, get you to stay a moment longer, but you were young and in excellent cardio health.  You got dressed lightning-fast and were out the door, leaving him sated and a little sad.

Another time, you called him.  You sounded tipsy over the phone, but by the time he got to Brooklyn, you were sober and a little sheepish about calling him.  He had wanted to take his time again, but you had begged him to just fuck you, so he did.  When you didn’t ask him to stay, he went ahead and left, but he made a point to kiss you gently and tell you goodbye this time.

He knew it was a terrible idea, falling for you.  He knew you had an armor around you that rivaled his own, and he had an idea what had caused it.  He tried, here and there, to chip away at it.  You seemed impervious though.

********

In college and even before that, you had an inkling that being a public defender would be draining work.  Everyone always talked about how it was thankless, the pay was low, the burnout potential high.  Public defenders were overworked with caseloads so heavy that they couldn’t give any single case the care and attention it deserved. 

You had no real idea how bad it’d be though.  It was thankless – cops hated to see you walk into their precincts. Clients tended to distrust you.  The public could be especially cruel when you were defending someone who was obviously guilty or observably violent.

Your life had settled into a dreary pattern, like a heavy lead sky hung over it.  Work dominated everything.  You slept poorly and ate poorly.  You went for training runs, and that’s all that counted for fun in your life.

You didn’t have anyone to really talk to.  Even if you’d still been with Sonny, you knew you wouldn’t have been able to talk to him.  You’d veered close to learning that lesson when you were still in collage.

Sarah and Chauncey were lawyers too, but they were in private practice and were always trying to lure you in with stories about less hours, less heartache, and more money.  Aside from them, you had no one.  Your own family had imploded a long time ago, and while you still talked to your dad, you purposely kept it light for him.

You could maybe talk to Barba.  He always gave you a hard time about wanting to heal the world with hugs, but you would bet that he’d understand if you wanted to talk.  Unfortunately, neither of you got much talking done – it was either squabbling over cases or sex.

Not that you’d ever complain about the latter – even if nothing good was going to come of your illicit liaisons with Barba.

-----

Barba was over at your apartment.  It was a Saturday night, you’d been in near tears about a new case collapsing on you, and you just needed…something.  It was becoming a habit for both of you to call the other when you needed a hook-up, and you wondered if sometimes the hooking up was just a reason to be with someone familiar.

You had called him, a little embarrassed as you always were to feel so weak.  He had rushed over.  Your mind had been reeling with your case, you were caught in circuitous thoughts about what to do, and your pulse had been racing.  All you wanted was something hard and fast, no talking. 

All you wanted was to feel something other than the panic that was rising from deep in you.

Barba had other ideas though.  You had reached for him, but he’d only pulled you into a hug.  You had kissed him hard, but he’d only kissed you back gently.

When you finally got him into your bedroom, he had been too leisurely.  Too insistent that he gaze into your eyes, which felt way too intimate for you.  Ultimately, the two of you had joined in a way that felt good – that was the thing with Barba.  Even when you were on completely different wavelengths, it was still good.

Afterwards, though…he tried to cuddle up against you.  Worse than that, he tried to talk.

“So…what are we now?” he asked.  He looked at you with those bright green eyes.

You knew as soon as it was out of your mouth that it was the wrong thing to say.  A hurtful thing to say.  In the days that would follow, you’d do a lot of soul-searching to try and understand why you had said it.  Barba was a good man, possible even a great one, but you didn’t treat him well in that moment. 

You snorted at the question.  “We’re opposing counselors who occasionally hate-fuck each other for release.”

The look on his face would bother you for a long while afterwards.  The faint hopefulness on his face when he asked the question disappeared, and it was replaced by a stony mask.  “This is hateful to you?” he asked.

And you took too long to reply, so he got up without a word and got dressed.  You stammered out something nonsensical about hooking up, tried to make a joke, but it was too late.  You can’t un-ring a bell, and you couldn’t pull back those hateful, disappointing words.  You felt an immediate shame at what you’d done.

“Hey,” you tried to say as you pulled a blanket around your naked form and followed him out of the bedroom.

He only looked at you once as he pulled on his coat and left.  The look in his eyes was pure hurt. 

[visualtaehyun]

While we're all still ruminating on episode 11 of Last Twilight, I was debating if I should compile my language notes for ep. 9 onwards or not because the subs in ep. 11 especially are excellent already. But I thought I might as well share! Since I was home sick with little energy the past few days, then had to discover that my computer's psu is dead and posting from mobile is apparently limited to 10 pictures per post 🙂🔫 this is gonna be part 1 of 2.

I shall be color-coding how characters are addressed again for ease of understanding - Day, Night, the dad, Aon (there's no rhyme or reason to these colors btw, mobile limits my choices anyway)

Disclaimer: not a native Thai speaker, still learning 🙏

Feeling sorry

The word Sorry comes up several times in this episode and though they're all subbed the same, there is a difference in Thai. Directing a wink and finger guns at @lurkingteapot here 👉👉

พี่ขอโทษนะ พี่ไม่น่าถามเลยว่ะ

/phi khaaw thoht na. phi mai naa thaam loei wa/

ขอโทษ /khaaw thoht/ is arguably the simplest of them. It encompasses apologizing, excusing oneself, expressing one's guilt or taking blame, asking for pardon. The word โทษ /thoht/ in there can range from blame to punishment to mistake etc. and it's also in ยกโทษ(ให้) /yohk thoht (hai)/ = to forgive, or more literally to absolve from blame/of a mistake:

มันไม่สำคัญหรอกลูก ว่าเดย์จะอภัยให้ไอ้ไนท์มันหรือเปล่า แต่ไอ้ไนท์อะ มันไม่มีวันยกโทษให้ตัวเองแน่นอน

/man mai sam khan raawk luuk waa Day ja a phai hai ai Night man reuu bplaao. dtaae ai Night a- man mai mee wan yohk thoht hai dtuua ehng naae naawn/

-> ลูก /luuk/ = son, child (in the sense of offspring); อภัยให้... /a phai hai.../ = forgive, excuse, pardon sb.

Then we've got รู้สึกผิด /ruu seuk phit/ = feel guilty/bad/remorseful, or more literally to feel one's wrongdoing/fault:

พ่อรู้ได้ยังไง ว่าไอ้ไนท์มันรู้สึกผิด

/por ruu dai yang ngai waa ai Night man ruu seuk phit/

-> พ่อ /por/ = father, dad

And lastly เสียใจ /siia jai/ - it's made up of ใจ /jai/, which is used in conjunction with states of mind and emotion, and เสีย /siia/, which can mean to worsen, break, lose etc. เสียใจ is- closer to sorrow? than regret, blame, or guilt, I'd say? It can be used to express condolences or sympathy too (เสียใจด้วย /siia jai duuay/).

แต่ไอ้ไนท์มันเสียใจมากนะลูก

/dtaae ai Night man siia jai maak na luuk/

-> But Night feels deeply sorry [because of it], son.

แต่พอมาวันนี้แม่งบอกว่าแม่งเสียใจ คนที่ต้องเสียใจ คือผมเว้ย

/dtaae phaaw maa wan nee maaeng baawk waa maaeng siia jai. khohn thee dtaawng siia jai kheuu pom woei/

-> But then today he fucking says he fucking feels bad. The one who should be sad is me!

Onto more light-hearted things!

คนเนี่ยะ น้องเดย์ก็หวงเว้ย

/khohn niia nong Day gaaw huuang woei/

-> Nong Day is possessive of this one!

แล้วก็อย่าลืมทำการบ้านด้วยอ่ะ

/laaeo gaaw yaa leuum tham gaan baan duuay a/

-> การบ้าน /gaan baan/ = lit. domestic tasks, usually refers to homework but can also refer to conjugal duties lol

Apparently, I had no notes for ep. 10 so the follow-up to this post will be caught up to the current episode - that is, if I get to it before Friday djshshjs

[noco7]

Hi hope your well! I was just wondering — your fics have a lot of dialogue and as a writer myself that’s something I struggle on… how do you know what to make them talk about/introduce certain conversations? does it just come to you?

I am well! A lot of things have happened (not in a bad way), and I am single no longer. (Yippee!) (And our relationship is nothing like the one in NCi7 lmao... not that it hasn’t had it’s share of miscommunication tensions.) Anway... as for dialogue that’s a tricky question. One part of NCi7 having so much dialogue is that Noah and Cody are quite talkative characters themselves, and that helps. Especially Cody. Especially Cody when he likes someone. He wants to ask questions, he wants to flirt, he wants to show off. Everything. Chatty lil’ man. Noah is a bit more reserved, but he will never miss a chance to snark. It’s why they have such good banter. Additionally, NCi7 is a fic based on “communication.” The whole point is for them to become better communicators, so the story just HAS to have a lot of dialogue. So I can show their bad communication and how it slowly becomes good communication. But how do I know what to make them talk about? Well... that’s an odd question to me, because what they talk about is just the story. So for me, coming up for things for my characters to talk about equals coming up with the chapter outline. In NCi7′s case, I wanted the characters to change how they thought about physical affection, sex, sexuality, guilt, relationship roles, gender, career, family, etc. Just the whole shebang. So ... I had a lot of things for them to talk about. That’s probably my best tip. If you want your characters to talk more, give them something to talk about! If you don’t have much plot (which is fine), then maybe think about ... Dialogue as a characterization tool. What kind of words are the characters using? What kind of tone? What do they think is appropriate conversation?  What questions do they ask? The more in-character you make it, the more fun it is. And dialogue is so, so useful with backstories. It’s one thing for a character to ruminate on what happened in their life. It’s another to see them say it out loud. And what kind of snap-judgements will the other person make? I wish I could give more specific advice, but I don’t know what story you’re writing (feel free to DM or discord me about it, I’d love to hear) but without specific details, I don’t have specific advice. Lastly, how do I introduce conversations? Honestly, I don’t remember. I do remember sometimes writing a chapter, not knowing how to transition to a topic, and putting in [INSERT TRANSITION HERE] so I could fill it in later. I would say try to use the environment to your advantage. If you need your characters to argue over PDA, bring in a public place. If you want a character to relfect on their parenting, have them see/do something that reminds them of it. Have a character notice something’s off with the other and ask.  Give them a reason to speak.  Anyway, thanks for asking this question! If you want to send me your work so I could read it, I’d love to. It doesn’t even have to be an advice thing, I love seeing how other writers write, and there’s a huge chance I could learn something from your writing as well. But it can be a suggestions/advice thing if you want it to be.

[homeofhousechickens]

Hi Dezi. I was wondering if you have any advice. I am starting to realise that my OCD is affecting my ability to care for my pets when they get ill. I suffer with rumination and guilt whenever a pet gets ill, even if it has not my fault, which has caused me to be in denial about my pets' health on a few occassions. I have had it happen twice now, where a pet has gotten ill soon after I have dealt with another pets' illness/death, and the stress of the previous instance has caused to to delay acting on the new situation. This has been especially bad with my chickens as their illnesses are so much harder to deal with than other animals, I find it hard to cope when things go wrong. I know that my pets need better than this though and I want to do something about it so it doesn't happen again. I'm asking for you advice because you seem really great at making decisions when it comes to your birds' health. I really appreciate any advice you or your followers could give.

I'm not really sure what advice I could give you that would be helpful. I don't really deal with ocd related stuff personally aside from skin picking and even then I don't really have a handle on that so I'm unsure if I could really give good advice. I would ask a vet and mental health professional for advice on what would be the best steps to take to make sure your animals are getting the best care while also minding your own mental health. Having other people help hold you accountable as well is something I would suggest to anyone who struggles with health issues (mental or physical) this is especially important if you have multiple animals as even the most careful owner is going to overlook things on accident.

And by "holding accountable" I don't mean punish or yell at you but reminding you and helping you on your bad days. Not letting you spend more time ruminating when you could be improving care if that makes sense.

[nervousron]

I was replaying fresh meat and I really wish the game showed the like effect that it had on mikey. I read a fic like whet he became a peskatreian (I've butcherd the spelling but a veggie that eats fish) and freaks out whenever Trevor talks about cannablism.

I might write sm about the aftermath of fresh meat trikey style.

This doesn't make mush sense but I'd love to hear your thoughts about fresh meat, especially the aftermath

Duuude yeah Meat by @nevergonnasimpyoumikey ?! Its such a good fic. Michael is a tough rocko macho guy, but he's definitely gonna be affected by the trauma hes gone through.

Also sorry i never oublished this ask! I had been coming back and rewording it a hundred times then never posted. So heres the things i stopped and started! Theres a lot of repeating in there from me restarting ideas, so sorry for the repetitiveness!

I love thinking aboutbjow micjael feels before and after. Slightlu conflicted, but mostly angry. Hiding his shame and guilt behind fury. I think Michael would totally develop a small grudge against Trevor over it. In the beginning im sure he's pissed, but at least gets the karmic joke of it all. He lied to Trevor and tried to have him killed. Now Trevor's life decisions post-ludendorff are what will kill Michael. He gets it, he's piss-scared, and he's pretty sure he's gonna die. But there's a part of him that hopes that Trevor's loyalty will win out. Hes fucked him over countless times, and T always came back no matter what. Maybe this time wont be different? Trevor will show up at the last second and everything will be fine. But then again-

after the abuse he deals with from Cheng and his men, he starts getting more scared. He doesnt want to deal with that, so he gets angrier. Angry at Cheng, Trevor, Dave Norton, and himself. Then back around to Trevor because if hes gonna die, hes not gonna die being self reflective about the consequences of his actions.

When youre playing as Franklin you can overhear two of Cheng's men talking about sending Michael's meat to Trevor when theyre done killing him. I really hope one of them mentioned it to Michael too, because thatd be a fun nightmare for him to have on repeat.

And his lines when hes a cow from peyote are fun to throw into this mess:

"Aint no one gonna make bacon outta me, baby"

I thought i was a man, now i eat grass? Is that better?

I used to eat meat, now people want to kill me. Why, im not so bad. I mean sure i used to kill people and now i eat flowers, but give a recidivist ruminant a break, will ya?

I think the smell of meat would be nauseating for him for a while. But considering he kills on the regular and is more than accustomed to gorey smells, I think itd twist in a particular way that makes him more inclined to "power through it" and just eat a bunch of medium rare bleeder burgers, almost like exposure therapy. He throws up all of it, but he at least thinks theres some progress there.

I think deep down michael was hoping trevor would come back for him. Cause if he did, it would mean he was forgiven. He knows what he did was the end all be all of betrayal, and he knows that in a sick way this is probably karma and he definitely deserves it. But he doesnt want to die, and definitely not in a meat grinder. But alone in a cold cell he probably laughed to himself over the irony. Trevors fuck-up being the reason he dies. The whole mess he was trying to avoid by fucking atrevor over in the first place.

I would love to read anything and everything youve got about fresh meat!

[blackfire-fanfiction]

Sorry this thing needs to get out before I can sleeppp.

.

Okay I think there's a big reason on why I think Leo should specifically get the angst being in the room when it happened.

Because he doesn't have anything to do individual if it isn't exclusive to him.

He has to hold open a portal

Which is very important. don't get me wrong and you could potentially have The Angst of him not being able to hold the portal open for Raph

I just think it might hit a little bit harder if and all he can really do is eat some protein bars and rest up for the next try.

Donnie's got the technology that's helping Raph. Donnie was able to figure out that mikey is on a different planet and is able to figure out how to get to a different planet.

Raph the one going out there on the planet. risking it.

Leo is holding a door open. A really heavy door. But with that big spicy other angst you can make it even more potent that he couldn't hold it open. And another person is stuck there because of him...

Raph having the guilt of not being there

Donnie can have that guilt of being essentially being the cause of getting mikey in the temple

Give Leo that big guilt so he can ruminate hard as he's forced to just rest up

(If this idea doesn't seem appealing to you please explain to me your plan)

All of this except them being separated when Mikey disappeared

I'm imagining that it's a large room, so they still get to be far away from each other. I just want them all to see it happen because angst.

Leo will be the closest to Mikey, obviously. He was right there and he couldn't stop it. Raph and Donnie reacted sooner than he could even process what was happening. So he still gets the "it's my fault" thing, especially since I'll probably still have him dare Mikey into doing whatever it is that gets him teleported.

But all the reasons for him to be feeling bad during the rescue mission still apply

[macarensesangles]

this is so stupid but my mom says she’s not feeling well enough to drive me to the fabric store and when i expressed visible disappointment she made a huge fucking deal of it like acting as though i was guilt tripping her and was like “FINE WE’LL GO” so i had to go get her and tell her it’s ok if we don’t bc i did not want to put up with her being fucking mean. and then she starts crying and shit like “I JUST FEEL SO BAD WAAAH :(((“ bc for some reason even when im upset it’s actually about her, somehow

literally so frustrating. i JUST need a ride to the store. it especially sucks bc id gotten myself excited to do something relaxing instead of like ruminating on that stupid nightmare and now that i know i can’t sew today idk how im going to keep my mind off it. ughhhh

[ray-talks]

1/29/24

i did not post yesterday.

if ever go a day without posting it is likely from two reasons, either i was exhausted and had little time, or i did not restrict as planned. the latter is unfortunately true in this instance. i will say, i am rather embarrassed, which is why i am unenthused about posting on days where i slip up. an additional reason is that i only want to post when i am on the right track. these posts are markers of progress. i am conflicted on whether i think that this might be a mistake, and that maybe i should own up to my errors. especially, if i'll just talk about it the next day. i think, though, i won't post during periods of time i'll know it'll be impossible to restrict properly, like extended family reunions. all my posts would be for that time is bemoaning the experience. before i explore my thoughts on yesterday, i will mention how my restriction went today. it was successful. dinner was small since i choose my portions, and i purged it well.

now, i'll start with how things went awry. for the better part of the day, i went without eating as usual. i left midday to study as to avoid lunch, and i wasn't even made to eat breakfast. this is particularly disappointing that i did not take advantage of this and held strong. my friend wanted to come over, and i essentially have an internal rule to never deny them. i will say, this may not be beneficial at all for me to do, for reasons i have spoken about in prior posts. it is my guilt that in this instance i do not prioritize my eating disorder. i care too much about them and i fear losing them. perhaps, it is hypocritical for me to hold tight to this, considering i have made declarations that my suffering was the highest degree of importance to me. i find that i oscillate between what i value more: suffering or the people i care about. neither of which ever successfully take hold, so i find myself walked back-and-forth between opposite directions.

all of this to say, it meant that i had to eat a snack and dinner, and that i couldn't purge. what was worse, and surprising to me, was how strong my cravings were. i don't think i have experienced this since i began actively restricting again. i wouldn't say it's easy to refrain from eating, but it doesn't take that much normally. yesterday, it was much harder. i noticed immediately by how much i wanted to eat the popcorn, and that i felt anxious that i couldn't have more. and when it was time for dinner, while i did choose to get a smaller portion, i ate rather quickly and maybe too enthusiastically. something i didn't take into consideration was that my mom made dessert, and she expected me to eat some. so i did. this is already bad enough, but then, i faltered, and made the rash choice to have more. these types of things spiral out-of-control fast. once you allow yourself to eat, you give in, and continue to eat more. it's harder to stop than start. this precisely the reason why my mind went, "fuck it", and also ate another snack.

i have an urge to say that i "binged", but that would be inaccurate. i did not necessarily exceed a normal calorie intake. it's more like i was around a normal calorie intake. this is still a negative to me -- i shouldn't have done that. when given the dessert, i should have cut my losses right then. sure, i'd be disappointed i was forced to eat more than i expected, but it's much better than continuing to eat. i had an informal rule in my head that i should never eat unless forced. i broke this rule, and that is greatly upsetting to me. but i also acknowledge that i cannot dwell heavily on this -- ruminating on mistakes leads to more mistakes. it's so easy to get dispirited and give up, rather than strengthen your resolve. i cannot let this happen to me. not again. so i am determined to let it go.

this all leads me to my interpretations. a good portion of my entries are about reflection:--what does this say about me?--why did i do this?--and, what are the implications behind this? this incident stands out to me, because it reveals that i am inconsistent. i say one thing, and then, my actions contradict it. it really puts doubts in what i tell myself. if i were truly dedicated to my own suffering, and wholly invested in my goal, would i ever make mistakes like this? and, like i said earlier, my motivations can falter and swap places with each other. i have tendency to think multiple things at once. a possibility that came to mind is that i do things based on what is easiest. since it seems impossible for me to recover, i will seek to worsen my conditions until death. at the same time, it is difficult to be in pain, so i attempt to relieve myself from it in small ways. it is like what i said, that i walk back-and-forth in opposite directions -- i do things that help me, then i do things that disservice me.

i'd say i do "negative" things 75-80% of the time, while i do "positive" things 20-25% of the time. this is frustrating because i need to dedicate myself to one or the other. i would favor pursuing the "negative" pathway -- it's more realistic for me, and it is basically who i am deep down. i try to minimize this instinct within me to avoid hurt. in other posts, i have said that i do not enjoy suffering, and this is proof of that. it is not my natural inclination; it is simply how the cards have been dealt and the only feasible option left for me. i want to and try to breathe life into my firm belief in my imminent self-destruction. i have to actively stoke the flames to heighten the passion of my fire. i need to push myself forward and never give up. i am tired of stagnation and being wallowingly directionless. at least with this, i am cultivating something out of the nothingness that is my life. perhaps then, i know that i am hypocritical at times, and sometimes what i do and say do not align perfectly, but it is a start. if i keep repeating to myself what i want, then slowly bit-by-bit, i'll act accordingly.

that are my thoughts for today. if anyone reads this, i wish you a good day.

[free--therapy]

Hii it's anon!

First of all, thank you for all the kind words. You're absolutely right about me having low self-esteem. But it's like...there are times where the self-esteem spikes up and I feel arrogant almost (like if I do something worth being proud of) and then there are other times where it's at very low lol

Like you said, I've been trying to not hate myself for feeling jealous but instead focus on what I can do. I have to say that I've had times where I've let that jealousy or envy get the better of me and let it show in my actions. And I hate myself for that tbh. I hate that I could feel and even more so, act that way to someone I genuinely cherish.

I also know that since childhood I've been somewhat of a attention seeker however that turned into feeling low about myself as I grew up. Also, exactly like you said, my parents have had the same expectations from me too! In school, I had to be the best then in college, again very high expectations from me and now, they expect me to find a very good job as well. It's like the expectations never end. And while in school, it was easy for me to fulfill or even exceed their expectations but as I went to college and things started getting more challenging, it got harder for me to match what they expect from me.

In school, it was almost like, I used to feel this sense of "superiority" for being one of the top performers of the class always and I didn't even have to try hard for it back then. That changed after I started college and it was like I was thrown into reality or something. Seeing so many amazing students just made me feel like I had been completely wrong about myself my whole life and that maybe I wasn't anything special either. It's like, in school, my sense of identity came from my academic accomplishments. So to have that stripped away from me made me feel small.

I've been raised up constantly being compared to my cousins and peers and that has made me feel smaller with time. I love my family and my parents, I really do. But growing up like that, hearing those things from them has made me collect all this bottled up frustration honestly especially since they haven't fulfilled many of my needs either, so if they can be disappointed in me, I can be disappointed in them too. Granted, it's my fault that I never was vocal about my needs and wants growing up due to many reasons so maybe that's why they didn't give me what I needed. But I was young so I expected them to understand but no one did. Instead, I was the one who always had to "understand" and be the "good child" for them.

However, in trying to become that good child, all I did was ending up bottling everything up and becoming a bad child after all. Doing things just to make others notice me, being selfish, wanting others to think of me in a good way or to go to lengths so that others have a positive image of me in their minds. Making them love me and making that seem effortless. So many stupid things I've done honestly. But I still hope for the best for myself. I don't know if that makes me selfish or just human.

Anyway, these days, I've been trying to be kind to myself except it's very hard lol. I think over time, especially in the last three years, I've built a sense of guilt/shame which makes me constantly doubt my self identity whenever I try to be kind towards myself. I'm trying though.

That said, are any and all of my thoughts supposed to be this exhausting? Is this common?

I know I've been overthinking a lot in October and recently, I've just started getting kinda tired of all the constant stream of unwanted thoughts. I do try to rationalise or be mindful of them without judgement but many times, I end up labelling them as "bad" or "problematic" thoughts or end up sort of giving into the anxiety and sort of believing in what these thoughts seem to tell me.

And honestly, my head hurts from all the constant rumination and I've had enough of these thoughts. So I just sleep it off. I've noticed that my sleep schedule has been very bad recently (sleeping late, waking up late) and I've been sleeping more than usual. And most importantly, I've been feeling very on energy and tired a lot of times despite not doing anything the whole day.

I know a huge part of this has to do with the anxiety and overthinking and on top of that, I don't really have anything going on in my life right now since I'm home most of the time, so there's nothing much to keep mind engaged. I've just been feeling a bit like I don't have a purpose since I haven't found a job yet when most of my peers seem to already have got good jobs and seem ahead in life. It's just not the best period right now. But either way, I just don't want this to turn into a full blown depression spiral that's all.

Since I feel so tired, it's very easy to skip over small things like doing my skincare, drinking enough water and stuff. But I also know that not doing any of that stuff will just lead to more negativity for me. More than ever, I need to focus on myself and take care of myself now and so if I skip on it everyday, it's just going to make me feel worse.

So as much as I can, I'm trying to be compassionate, understanding and loving towards myself. I'm trying to take care and not believe these thoughts. As you said, it's cruel that having a good moment feels so suspicious. It's as if being happy for a day or two makes me question if things really are okay, if I'm really okay? Which just leads to thoughts coming up and I end up in a bit of a spiral. So having peaceful moments is just another trigger for an overthinking spiral too which is sad. I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever. It's pretty tiring.

Sometimes I also feel like other people who are struggling with anxiety or overthinking can overcome it only because maybe their thoughts aren't as hard or bad as mine. It's like my mind tries to convince me that my case is worse than others and that's why I can't heal even if others did. But I know that is so not true. Lol my mind keeps chattering away

But who knew thoughts can seem so real or affect my life so much? I don't want to second guess every little action of mine anymore, be it from the past or present. I want to stay and make decisions in the present and focus on right now instead of trying to obsessively ruminate over the past trying to figure out "what my xyz action meant?" When really so many of them could've meant absolutely nothing too.

I hope I can get over this with some time and patience and love. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive! Thank you for all the support 💗

Hey Anon,

Don't beat yourself for feeling jealous and letting it get the best of you. You are human and it's a natural emotion that you will experience. It's a good reminder to see certain areas that need to still be worked on and not something that should make you feel bad towards yourself.

Living up to someone else's expectations will never make you feel good about yourself because other people's expectations are usually very unrealistic and possible unattainable. At the end of the day, the only person whose opinions and expectations that really matter are your own and if they seem like they're lower than your parents, then so what?? This is about your happiness and if you feel satisfied with what you've achieved and where you've come from, then that's all that matters. Living for others will always have them moving the bar and you'll never be satisfied. You'll eventually come to realize that you're actually living for someone else's dreams and not your own. You should only be striving to seek your own approval and validation and not for your parents. Of course we all want to make our parents be proud of us, but at the end of the day, if they truly care about you and your happiness, then you have to figure out what makes you happy. Live YOUR dreams, not theirs!

That said, are any and all of my thoughts supposed to be this exhausting? Is this common?

They shouldn't be, no, but you're still working towards figuring things out, so this process will take up a lot of your energy. You will come to figure out how to expend less energy over time as you work towards quieting that voice in your mind. Again, be kind to yourself and patient if things don't happen as quickly as you'd like them to. Sometimes it's just a matter of figuring out or trying something different you've never done before.

Sometimes I also feel like other people who are struggling with anxiety or overthinking can overcome it only because maybe their thoughts aren't as hard or bad as mine. It's like my mind tries to convince me that my case is worse than others and that's why I can't heal even if others did. But I know that is so not true.

Honestly, a lot of people are not facing their fears and are actually trying to escape their mind with distractions, so it seems like everything is okay with them, but they're actually in avoidance. You're doing way better than these people who are usually in denial that they have anything wrong with them, so as much as it feels like you're struggling, you're brave enough to go into the battlefield of your mind to figure out how to win this war in your mind.

You absolutely will overcome this anon. You're doing way better than you realize and a lot better than your peers, even if it may feel like that's not the case. Keep going, okay!? ❤

[jocrude]

CW VENT POST ALSO CW ABUSE MENTION

I often feel a certain "survivor's guilt" about having been abused as a child, but never sexually abused. At least as far as I can remember. I often also worry about having been sexually abused and forgotten it, since I have cptsd and a lot of how my symptoms manifest are similar to how I've heard sexual abuse survivors describe their synonyms. For a long time I was worrying that I'd been sexually abused as a child and had somehow forgotten it, since I have CPTSD and a lot of how my symptoms manifest are similar to how they manifest for survivors of sexual abuse. I was abused physically and emotionally in some VERY bad ways but never as far as I can recall sexually. I think about sex often but I'm very ambivalent about it, and often get simultaneously disgusted by sex and hypersexual when my mental health gets worse. Also (especially when my mental health is getting worse) I have a lot of fucked up, masochistic and gore/violence related fetishes that sort of intrude on my sex life and make me feel ashamed of being aroused. At times it got to the point where I'd retreat into my own head and dissociate during sex, and couldn't enjoy it unless I could fantasise about being overpowered or the sex being nonconsensual or violent in some way. I think it's related to my trauma in some sort of weird Freudian way, since a lot of the worst stuff happened while I was going through puberty and so undergoing a lot of both mental and sexual development, which since I was trans and going through the "wrong" puberty was very traumatic in a way I could feel but not understand. I was very disgusted by my body, lashed out a lot without knowing why I was feeling how I did, and had vivid fantasies and ruminations about parasites taking over me, or of medical defects making me not go through puberty "normally", etc.. I was also very sickly and spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals, and my Mum, who was pretty much my only real support and who I was super attached to, died in a pretty gory way and there was a lot of upsetting hospital-related memories involved. I was tripping once while watching Inland Empire and thought how a stabbing and a rape are physically similar, and something kind of clicked for me since one of my worst childhood traumas was my brother attempting to stab me. I wasn't actually stabbed,nor was I ever (as far as I can remember) actually raped, but in both a stabbing and a rape there's an attack, perhaps an attempt to fight back or flee that is unsuccesful, a decisive, unwanted entry, and I imagine a gradual realisation on the part of the victim, through shock and disbelief, that something common but unthinkable is actually, despite their best efforts, actually happening to them. I'm sorry if that's macabre but these are the kind of ruminations I've had for so long.

[akaraboonline]

How to Get Over Regret

Regret is a feeling based on the belief that you could have acted differently to achieve a better result. Guilt, embarrassment, and self-blame can accompany regret. It may entail asking yourself a slew of hypothetical questions, such as "What if I acted differently? What if I took advantage of the opportunity? "What if I didn't say exactly what I said?" You'll never know the answers to those questions because you can't go back in time. As a result, you may ruminate on it, repeating the same thoughts and wondering what could have happened. You may regret something even if there was nothing you could have done and even if you ultimately believe you made the right decision. The feeling of regret isn't proof that you did something wrong; you could simply have mixed feelings about your experience.

Why are regrets harmful?

Cortisol levels are associated with regret. Cortisol, also known as the stress hormone, aids you when you are in flight-or-fight mode. Chronically elevated cortisol levels have been linked to mental and physical health issues.  people who are prone to regret are more likely to experience: - depression - hopelessness - suicidal ideation Many people dwell on their regrets. Rumination is when you can't stop thinking about the past, even if you keep having the same thoughts. These thoughts are negative or upsetting in nature when rumination occurs. Although most people ruminate, it has been linked to a number of mental health issues, including: - depression - anxiety - post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) It is impossible to avoid regret completely. However, dealing with regret in a healthy, positive manner can help you learn from the experience.

Can regrets be a positive thing?

The benefits of regret can include: - Regret can improve your decision-making skills: While you can’t avoid mistakes altogether, regretting past decisions can help you make better, more thoughtful choices in the future. - Regret can motivate you: Sometimes, regrets can motivate you to perform better, take healthy risks, and focus your energy on what matters to you. - Regret can help you be more self-aware: Your regrets might teach you about your values, strengths, and weaknesses. - Regret can inspire gratitude: You can use your regret to fuel a deeper appreciation for the decisions you don’t regret and the positive things you have in your life. However, if your regret is excessive or obsessive, it may cause more harm than good. This is especially true if you dwell on regretful thoughts for an extended period of time or find it difficult to think of anything other than your regrets.

What are common regrets?

Here are some ways to press pause on those unconstructive thoughts: Practice mindfulness: Instead of ruminating, concentrate on savoring the moment. This isn't always easy, but with practice, mindfulness becomes second nature. Focus your energy elsewhere: You could try an art project or reading an interesting book. Exercise: A significant 2018 study Short bursts of exercise reduced rumination and improved mood in participants, according to Trusted Source. Journal about it: Writing down your thoughts can help you express and process them. You might find it easier to mentally move on once you've gotten those thoughts "out" of your head and into your journal.

Tips to move forward from regrets

1. Let yourself feel it Because regret can be so painful, it's tempting to try to suppress it. However, avoiding your regret can make it worse. Instead, acknowledge your emotions and try to accept them. Regrets do not make you a bad or foolish person; they are a natural and common emotion. 2. Draw something positive from the experience Regret can be beneficial in many situations. Your regret may teach you an important life lesson. For example, if a friend dies and you regret not spending more time with them, your grief may motivate you to spend more time with your loved ones. Alternatively, if you have hurt someone, your regret may lead you to apologize and make amends. 3. Be self-compassionate In relation to regret, self-compassion can include: - forgiving yourself - reminding yourself of your strengths - practicing loving-kindness meditation - taking care of your basic needs - allowing yourself to engage in enjoyable activities 4. Try to avoid what-ifs It's natural to wonder what might have been. If you had made a different choice, the outcome might have been different. But it could have been worse. The problem is that we never know what the other options are. Although it is tempting to consider all of the possibilities in your head, it can become exhausting after a while. Recognize when you're engaging in thought patterns that aren't productive or helpful, and practice mindfulness to avoid becoming too engrossed in your fantasy.   Read the full article