#the song is sad and therefore this is now... sad

[lxmelle]

It is sad to think that Geto was probably the kindest person Gojo ever knew.

For Geto to do what he did so abruptly & for Gojo to have felt “left behind” in the monstrosity vs strength where he couldn’t “catch up” to Geto’s ideals... he realised Geto had been hurt & changed as a result.

How could someone so kind & righteous change like that? To chase such a dream that was so difficult & unconventional? He thought there had to be another way. He chose to become a teacher. To prevent the same &/or to pave another way forward, for change. Maybe to prove a point too. (Hence the character song, “Come Back Home”).

Gojo was the purest person Geto knew who was now becoming a monster w/o a purpose besides jujutsu.

He felt left behind & disillusioned. The Gojo he knew saw the weak as tiresome; if he was lonely he should go alone; hated righteousness.

But meaning helped give Geto purpose.

It was what helped him put up with his CT that was intimate w/ shit, vomit, curses.

When he made up his mind to embrace “meaning & purpose”, all he could do was leave. Coz he respected Gojo & his views. There was no way in his mind they could have discussed things to compromise.

The school needed the strongest. He could not stay there to be a cog in the wheel that would lead to his loved ones dying one by one. I’ve said it before, I think Geto didn’t like the idea that everyone was coming to leave it all to Gojo. He wanted to do something to change things from the root.

So it seemed like he decided for them both & he pushed Gojo away w/ harsh words to “wake him up” to the responsibility that comes w/ the strong.

Because, again, if he wanted just “power” to accomplish his dream, he’d have made Gojo come w/ him. If he just wanted “company” he’d have stayed w/ Gojo.

It hurt them both to recognise the path they were on had suddenly diverged. They embraced different values but wanted the same things.

They wanted change. They wanted reform. They wanted a safer place for everyone.

They didn’t want others to be alone anymore. They wanted each other, to protect each other & everyone.

They didn’t actually want to be alone. But they had to be because they were different people.

And therefore they loved each other from afar.

They respected & loved each other completely - including their ideals & ways - even if it differed from each other. Drew inspiration from the other.

That’s Pure Love. Absolutely Pure Love. To live for the other, for others.

Idk … it’s amazing and yet so tragic.

They were truly the Strongest.

[wizardofgoodfortune]

i have been lurking in your asks for this moment: for the spotify wrapped fic prompt, #10!!

i'm going to ignore the very obvious and very painful daniel/hob implications of this song because i want to finish the comics first before writing anything outside of the show's canon. so have this instead!!

--

Dream had been visiting Hob more frequently than he'd like to admit. It all started with Dream wanting to carve out a small place of solace in his life, and what place was more perfect than The New Inn? Built for him like an altar for an absent god.

Though these days, he'd been more present than ever. He wished he had the privilege to say he'd been drunk the first night it happened, or the next night, and the next. But Dream, Lord of Dreams and Ruler of Nightmares, always knew what was going on, and what desires he'd recklessly indulged in again and again.

Tonight was no different. By now, Hob was a veteran in making Dream feel more than welcome. It was all too easy to fall into Hob's arms and into his bed above The New Inn. Somewhere down the line, Dream had made himself vulnerable to Desire's machinations.

But he had somehow convinced himself that it was alright, as long as Hob wasn't vulnerable.

Some nights they talked afterwards, and Dream wasn't quite sure whether it amplified or quieted his regrets. This was one of those nights.

"Tell me about the Dreaming," Hob said, his head propped up on his arm as he looked down at Dream.

"What do you wish to know?"

"I don't know. Everything. You don't work alone, do you?"

"...No, I suppose I don't, anymore. I have Lucienne. And Matthew."

"Ah, Matthew, yeah, we've met. Why does he talk by the way? Nearly gave me a heart attack the first time he spoke to me."

"He was human, before. He died in his sleep and became a raven of the Dreaming."

"Oh," Hob said. He paused. Dream observed the shadows cast on his face by the moonlight. "So if I die in my sleep, I get to stay at your place? As a raven?"

Dream felt the corners of his mouth lift up. A silly notion. "You do not have to die. You will always be welcome in the Dreaming, Hob."

Hob smiled down at him, and Dream felt a warm fire in his chest. "Thank you, love. But what I meant is I never had the chance to visit your, y'know. Your place. Is it a castle?"

"Yes, I suppose you could call it a castle," Dream said.

Hob hummed, and tapped Dream's chest with his free hand. "A wild thing," he said after a few seconds.

"What is?" Dream asked.

"I was just some peasant when we first met," Hob said, his eyes lost in memory. "Thought you were some ignorant lord. In the back of my mind, I thought were you just making fun of me, asking to meet you after a hundred years. Never thought this," he gestured to their bodies, naked under the covers, "would ever happen. Y'know? A wild thing."

Dream hummed in agreement.

"Guess I'm lucky, huh?" Hob chuckled, his fingers still tapping on Dream's chest. "Hey. Would you bring me to your castle some day, show me around?"

"Perhaps," Dream replied.

"Tease," Hob chastised. Then he pressed a kiss on Dream's forehead, then on his nose, and finally on his lips. "I adore you. You know that? I love you, Dream."

Dream froze. He looked into Hob's eyes, saw the fondness in them, and knew that he meant it.

This was just supposed to be a brief respite, some semblance of comfort that he did not have in his day-to-day life. He thought it was the same for Hob, that Dream was just someone immortal to hold onto once in a while. But it wasn't. Not anymore.

I should not have come here, he thought, tearing his gaze away from Hob's. He did not have the heart to say it out loud.

Dream stood up from the bed, already clothed.

This will be the last time, he thought. It was what he thought every time. And maybe tonight it will finally come true. No, it should come true. Lest he destroy even Hob Gadling, like he has many times to his other lovers before. It always ended in tragedy, whether Desire was involved or not, and Dream didn't want that for him.

A hand shot up from the covers to grip his wrist.

"Stay. Stay, darling," Hob said, sitting up. "Won't you stay?"

Dream turned.

Hob's eyes shone, watery in the moonlight.

It should not be fair, Dream thought, for Desire to easily toy with me like this.

"I cannot stay any longer," Dream said.

"Why not?" Hob said, with all the petulance of a child. "Come back. Just for a while."

Dream resisted the urge to climb back in the covers with him. That was his sibling speaking.

"I apologize. I will make sure your dreams are pleasant tonight, and on every other night."

"Will you be coming back?" Hob asked. "You sound like you're never coming back."

Dream said nothing.

"I can wait. I will."

"I know," Dream said. He didn't add, "beloved."

"I'm not sorry," Hob said, gripping Dream's wrist even tighter. "But I won't say it again, if it means you'll stay."

Something cold and heavy sat in Dream's chest.

"So don't go," Hob said, "please."

Dream dissipated into thin air, but not quickly enough that he did not see a tear roll down Hob's cheek. He can still feel his grip on his wrist.

[xnoel]

so i just watched the last episode of eternal yesterday and i spent the whole time sobbing

[she-who-fights-and-writes]

MASTER LIST OF INSTRUMENTAL PLAYLISTS FOR WRITING (OR FOR STUDYING, MAKING ART, ETC.)

I find that the perfect writing playlist can GREATLY enhance the writing experience. Even if it doesn't make your writing "better" (which it can, since it helps writers with visualization, tone, and mood), it can definitely make your writing flow easier!

Personally, words distract me when I'm writing, either by breaking my train of thought or by getting me too into the music so that I'm jamming out to my favorite tunes instead of writing.

Therefore, I've amassed a vast knowledge of instrumental music across a variety of media over a course of many years. Now here I am, deciding to share all of them with you!

Maddy’s Favorite Instrumental Songs

Just like the title says. All of the best pieces of instrumental music I've ever heard, compiled together with no regard for genre. It can be a bit of a whiplash playlist, but some amazing recs in there that I just like listening to in my free time, not just for writing.

Maddy’s Ultimate Instrumental Playlist

A mega compilation of 550+ fantastic instrumental music from a variety of media and genres. Kind of a whiplash playlist if you put it on shuffle, but is a great start for anyone looking to find what kind of instrumental music they like! Playlist Groupings in Order: Independent instrumental songs, live action movies, animated movies, animated tv shows, live action tv shows, video games.

Maddy's Instrumental for Sleep

Some more chill vibe instrumental for people who either A) want to sleep or B) want a relaxed playlist that won't distract you with loud volume and sudden changes in tempo or melody.

MISC PLAYLISTS:

you're a haggard adventurer discovering worlds beyond your wildest dreams

Music to inspire wonder and wanderlust, the kind of feeling you get when you finally reach the end of a mountain hike and see the world stretching out before you.

you're a hero who's just lost everything

Basically the most sad instrumental music I could find. A playlist for grief and revenge.

more beneath the cut :)

you're a cowboy in the great American West

Cowboy instrumental for all of your ambient and writing needs. Or if you just really want to feel like a cowboy.

you're a divine witness

Epic choir music (no English). Most religious, some not, but all kind of have that eerie sacred vibe. I listen to this while writing my book about angels and demons.

you’re a scholar uncovering the secrets of the universe

Great chill study playlist! Has the kind of same exploratory/discovery type feel as the haggard adventurer playlist, but more dark academia.

you’re a villain plotting to take over the world

Villain-coded instrumental! Sinister, dark, and/or unsettling.

you're an academic weapon

HIGH BPM STUDY PLAYLIST! Keeps me focused, hyped, and helps me work faster!

you're an ancient god

Playlist that gives an ancient/eerie vibe. But some ancient gods are merciful- so there are some upbeat songs for wonder and awe!

you're falling in love

Music that encapsulates what I think falling in love feels like. Very beautiful, tender, and uplifting instrumental.

you're fighting the final battle

Intense and epic battle music for all of your fight-scene-writing needs! Good for getting shit done, but isn't necessarily restricted to high BPM like the academic weapon playlist.

you're having a tea party

Refined instrumental for a tea party, including classical, big band, and some miscellaneous goodies.

you're in a chase scene

Music for writing chase scenes. Pretty good hype music, too. Includes soundtracks from classic chase scenes in popular media!

you're in the medieval times

Medieval-sounding music for all of your ambient and/or writing needs.

you’re in your childhood room. the door is open a crack. people talk softly downstairs.

A playlist dedicated to nostalgia, to the feeling of lying in bed with your nightlight on after being too tired to stay awake at your family get-together. Could either make your day or break your heart lmao

you're the happiest you've ever been

Lighthearted instrumental meant to lift your spirits! A playlist dedicated to the joys of the little things.

[mysunshinetemptress]

Not Strong Enough

Alexia Putellas x reader

Warnings: angst, relationship issues/breakdown

“Well I’m fucking sorry I’m not her Ale.”

“No you’re not your just a fucking disappointment.”

You stood frozen looking into the fridge cleaning up from a dinner you had made hours ago that Alexia hadn’t even bothered showing up for. You turn slowly looking at the clock behind her head “I don’t want to do this right now.” Alexia shook her head “no I’m so fed up with you, why honestly why can’t you just be like her.” You shook your head looking at the floor feeling your throat close “I don’t know why, I am the way I am I’m sorry I’m not her.” You couldn’t believe you where apologising, you had done nothing wrong but she was Alexia Putellas, La Reina she deserved someone who could match that she deserved Jenni Hermoso and no matter how hard you tried you never got close enough. You shook your head as Alexia just stared at you looking for a fight but you didn't have the energy instead looking up at the ceiling thinking of the ring that burnt a whole in your dresser wishing to be used, you had it all planned out but you saw that future slowly slipping away as Alexia began shouting again so loud you could barley here the song "Boys Don't Cry" playing from the speaker.

You turned to look at her as continued shouting about how much of a disappointment you where to hear, how you would never be enough and you wanted to look at her and hate her for her words but you found yourself believing them and therefore you couldn't hate her if you agreed with her. As the older girl continued to compare you to her ex you couldn't help but think of how you would never be able to be enough for her like Jenni was, you didn't play football, you weren't famous or an influencer you worked a desk job, a 9-5 week in and week out, you didn't have trophies or medals adorned with your name across them you simply had an office where you added up numbers how could an accountant from A Coruna.

You where simply an angel not a god like Jenni, no never a god

You couldn't move as Alexia shouted out all of the ways Jenni was better then you and you felt yourself suddenly begin to realise what was about to happen. This was it the ring in your dresser wasn't screaming at you to get out and be placed on Alexia fingers your mind wasn't telling you to fit the energy was gone.

"SAY SOMETHING" you looked up at Alexia as your eyes refocused and you where pulled back to present time "What do you want me to say Ale" you sighed heavily tired of it all "See this is what I mean at least Jenni would talk to me, communicate her feelings with me you shut off." you subbed your eyes god did they feel heavy. "Theres no point." you moved to the drawer taking out your car keys before heading upstairs to pack your bag.

Alexia stood shocked as you waled past her to the front door "At least Jenni would fight for us you are walking away such a disappointment." you turned shaking your head. "Yes Alexia such a disappointment like you already said, like you have said since this relationship started, I'm done I...I can't take the constant fights after you realise I'm not here and then feel the need to take it out on me its...its not fair.. and the sad part is I tried to be her but I'm sorry I failed at that because I can't....I am me and I thought you loved me for that but clearly I was wrong." Alexia shook her head "Don't make it out like I'm the bad guy you....you only got with me for my name for my status." You looked at her in disbelief how could she ever think that.

"I have loved you before your injury, I have loved you during your injury and the sad part is I will love you long after this injury is healed and you are back to La Reina but I won't be in the stands, who would want such a disappointment of a girlfriend screaming for their return no."

You chucked the keys at her as you walked out the door. Done with never being enough for her always being a disappointment and falling short for always only being an Angel and never a God, for never being Jenni Hermoso

[thatfandomslut]

The Wedding Song

Regina George x Reader

Word Count: 1k

Trigger Warnings: Regina & Reader are in their 20s, Reader is about to marry someone else, Regina stops the wedding (a bit of Speak Now vibes), steam The Wedding Song by Renee Rapp

Requests:

Valentine's Day / Followers Celebration; Regina George w/ quote 54 and piece of chocolate 8. Or: "Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy.” w/ crushing

This was messy but it's just a silly goofy fic, so I hope you enjoy.

Valentine's / Followers Celebration Requests are closed.

Being (Y/n)'s maid of honor was a bittersweet feeling for Regina. Standing beside (Y/n) during the rehearsal dinner, she felt queasy. In high school, she would have been able to get with whoever she wanted. Now, the person Regina wanted most in the world was about to marry someone else, and Regina felt like her whole world was falling apart. She was happy for (Y/n), and she was happy that (Y/n) trusted and loved her enough to ask her to be her maid of honor out of everyone, but a bigger part of Regina felt sad and hurt that (Y/n) would never feel that way about her.

She always felt like (Y/n) was her world, she set her world on fire. But (Y/n) was standing in front of another person with a giant grin, beaming. Regina felt guilty that she felt all these ways for her. She didn't know if she should approach (Y/n) and tell her just how she felt. What would it even achieve? In the end, there was an even bigger chance that it would tear their friendship apart, and she wasn't sure she could survive in a world without (Y/n). With that said, did the long-lasting stare across the wedding hall mean nothing to (Y/n)? Their eyes were set on each other for so long, and (Y/n) was no longer grinning at her partner, she was grinning at Regina.

"Are you ready to go? It's going to be a long night. I hope you have enough party left in you after this… exhilarating dinner." Regina smirked as (Y/n) approached her. She had just wished her grandparents a good night. She looked beautiful in her white dress. It wasn't her wedding dress, but Regina would marry her in it anyway. She was stunning. Regina cleared her throat to stop herself from looking at the girl in front of her up and down. She couldn't help her eyes. They trailed without thinking of the repercussions if caught. "I think you're going to have a fun night."

(Y/n) beamed up at Regina before hugging her tightly. Regina's eyes widened as she hugged back. "Thank you for being here Regina. I don't think I could do any of this without you." She whispered into Regina's neck, and all of a sudden Regina felt like she could cry. Repressing her feelings, Regina threw on a smile as she rubbed the girl's back. Then, she guided her to the limo that she had her dad pay for in full. She worked for him, therefore; she could still use his money whenever she so pleased. She was going to make sure that (Y/n)'s last night without another's last name attached to hers would be the best night of her life. Maybe, Regina decided, she needed it more than the bride-to-be.

As (Y/n) and Regina sat by each other, despite the rest of the party dancing out on the floor, (Y/n) swirled her drink in the glass she had. Regina's head was getting foggy as the night went on. She wondered if she would remember this in the morning. "Are you doing okay, Regina?" (Y/n) questioned, gently placing her hand on Regina's thigh. That was dangerous territory, and it made the blonde gulp as she looked over to her with a nod. "I was only saying that this whole wedding is weird for me to think about. I just… I hope this doesn't ruin anything between us, but… I always thought we'd be the ones getting married." (Y/n) confessed, though it was obvious she was just as drunk as Regina.

Regina then wondered if she would remember this in the morning either. She wouldn't dare kiss (Y/n). She knew that she was taken, even if (Y/n)'s words made her lips more kissable. "If you were to tell me not to marry them, I wouldn't marry them. I would break it off right now, and I would run away with you. That's fucked though, isn't it?" She wondered out loud. To be honest, it was. But Regina was learning that she didn't care if it was fucked. The girl she had crushed on since their freshman year of college was into her, and she'd be damned if she passed up on this opportunity.

Regina's hands fell onto (Y/n)'s shoulder, and she looked at (Y/n) like the world was ending. "Then do it. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy." Regina practically begged, and (Y/n) looked at her as if she were sobering up. Her brows had furrowed and she stared at Regina for a long moment. She was beginning to give up hope until (Y/n) stood up. There was a new determination in her eyes as she nodded.

"Isn't this fucked up though? What would I say to them? At least let me go to their place." (Y/n) said, feeling dizzy. She didn't know if it was the alcohol or the decision to run away with Regina making her feel so ill. Regina nodded in understanding and maybe it was because she was drunk and in love, too, that she called a cab for them. When they got to the hotel, (Y/n) knocked on the door, and went inside the hotel room. Regina sat outside the room, and she stared at the ugly carpet that was peeling slightly. She felt gross. Partially because of the carpet, and partially because she was having (Y/n) break up with her partner over a drunk conversation.

When (Y/n) emerged, she had a giant smile. "It's over, it can just be us now." Despite how crazy this was, the two girls ran. Just like that, they decided that they would marry each other the next day. (Y/n)'s partner confessed they always knew, and that they would always support her. They agreed to be friends, despite it all. "I will marry you," (Y/n) whispered softly.

[toomuchracket]

it's only been a year (birthday party matty x reader fluff)

surprise! happy 1st anniversary of the blog, and therefore to these fuckers. love you all. enjoy <3

matty’s so glad you're here.

not that he doesn't love his job, because he really, really does - and, to be honest, playing music for lovely people with his best friends has never felt like a proper shift to him - but the touring sparkle is starting to fade a bit now. it's been nonstop for almost two years, the end of this album cycle is in sight, and, as much as he hates to admit it, he's not as young as he once was. the tiredness catches up to him faster, because the adrenaline doesn't last as long, and all the dancing around is taking a bit more of a toll on his body than it used to (which reminds him: put the knee support on before travelling tomorrow). what used to be hours-long hedonistic afterparties have turned into staying backstage for a couple of drinks at most, before hurrying to the hotel for a hot shower to soothe the muscles in the voice and the rest of the body, and then getting as much sleep as possible. arguably, not particularly rock'n’roll, nor very exciting.

but you're here. at the shows, on the planes and trains and buses, and, currently, cueing up an episode of derry girls from the bed in matty's (well, both of your) hotel room. and because you are, the sparkle is still there, still glimmering away like glitter under strobe lights. he's not in the habit of quoting or relating to abba songs (although it's been happening more often recently, probably because of your love for mamma mia), but matty thinks they hit the nail on the head in super trouper - he truly cannot be sad knowing you're in the crowd, seeing you dance along to his songs and smile at him like he hung the moon.

wrapping the towel around his waist, matty steps out of the bathroom, and immediately smiles (probably gormlessly) at the sight of you, frowning cutely as you try to get netflix to load; his heart melts when you push up your glasses, then turn to beam at him when you catch a glimpse of him from the corner of your eye. “hi, baby. how you feeling?”

“tired,” matty sighs, smiling again when you climb off the bed and peck him on the lips, before tugging him into a cuddle. he hums. “thanks, sweetheart.”

“s'ok,” you press a kiss to his chest tattoo, a move so tender that it never fails to weaken his knees. “d'you want me to make you a hot chocolate while you get ready for bed?”

matty pulls back to look at you, brow furrowed. “we have hot chocolate?”

“there's a setting for it on the coffee machine.”

“there is? i didn't notice.”

“yeah, it's in french.”

“oh,” matty laughs, kissing your head. “this is really a recurring thing for us, isn't it? you keeping me right with drinks in europe because you're the only one of us who can speak french. thank god you were a pretentious teenager, darling.”

you blink at him. “you're taking the piss out of me for being a pretentious teenager?”

“well, i’m not the one who learnt another language so i could read the original text of les mis,” matty smirks. “how's that going, by the way?”

your face takes on the adorably bashful expression matty loves so much. “haven't even finished it in english yet,” you say, before crumbling into laughter that matty can't help joining in on - fuck, he loves you so much. when he tells you as much, you kiss him again. “i love you, too. now - hot choc, or no?”

“i'll take one, please, darling.”

“okay,” you kiss his nose, beaming at the way he scrunches it when you do. “can you see if you can get netflix to work once you're dressed, please, babe?”

“course, darling.”

“thank you, lover.”

there's a final kiss, then you let go of matty and wander to the coffee machine; as silly as it sounds, because you're only about three feet away from him, he misses you as soon as you leave his arms. having you in them, being in yours… that's matty's favourite thing in the world, and he'd gladly sacrifice most other things in life to have it for five minutes longer every morning and night, ten more minutes per day of him just being yours and you just being his.

although, looking at you now, it's so clear that those things are true even without him holding you - the hoodie you're wearing is an old one of his (that honestly looks better on you), the boxers you're wearing as pyjama shorts are his, and he's preeeeetty sure the overly-long nike sports socks you're wandering around in are also his. he gives parts of himself to you, and you accept them gladly, proudly displaying that you're completely his; in heart and mind and soul, too, not just in wardrobe.

he still can't get over that. he doesn't think he ever will.

once he's dressed (clothes warm, because you were sweet enough to put them on the radiator for him) and the tv has loaded properly, matty settles into bed, beaming at you as you wander over with his drink and giggling when you place it on the bedside table and just crawl over him to get to your side of the bed. he kisses the side of your head as you snuggle into him. “you're not having one, darling?”

“nah,” you let out a world-weary sigh. “i've had far too much chocolate today as is. remind me never to agree to going to a gig in switzerland ever again. s'awful for my digestion.”

matty laughs. “or you could just, you know, not eat chocolate.”

you frown adorably at him. he laughs again. “or not.”

“thank you,” your face softens. “s'good, though. try the hot chocolate, see for yourself.”

“right,” matty takes a sip, humming happily at the rich sweetness. “mhmm. yeah.”

“amazing, isn't it?”

he nods, swallowing, then grins. “nowhere near as sweet as you, though.”

“oh, you sap!” you roll your eyes, tucking your face into matty’s chest in mild embarrassment while he giggles; he can feel you smiling through his t-shirt, though. “put the telly on, i can't cope.”

he obliges, free hand coming up to stroke your hair as you watch the episode in relative calm - that is, aside from the two of you constantly laughing at the onscreen antics, and from you covering matty's mouth in an attempt to stop him doing his god-awful impression of a northern irish accent. the whole experience is really domestic, as sweet as the hot chocolate matty finished ten minutes into the episode, the perfect end to a busy work day.

matty stretches when the episode ends, moving to wrap his arms around your waist and rest his head on your chest. “time is it, sweetheart?”

“ten past midnight,” you yawn; suddenly, though, you perk up. “oh! happy anniversary, baby!”

he smiles into your chest, dragging himself up to hover over you. “happy anniversary, my girl,” he coos, thumbs stroking your pretty face. “i love you.”

“i love you,” you smile. “kiss, please?”

matty nods, leaning down to press his lips to yours; on instinct, you open your mouth as soon as he does, soundtracked by a sigh that makes his head spin. even now, a year on from it, every kiss you share feels like the very first one up against the wall in the smoking area, full of passion and adrenaline and just total love and devotion that you'd both kept buried for each other for years. the only difference is that now, 365 days on, you know exactly how to kiss matty to make him melt - a moan slips from his throat as you softly swipe your tongue around the perimeter of his lips, which in turn makes you smile, and another follows when you gently bite his lower lip and drag it to release. but it's the way you beam at him afterwards, breathing just as heavily as he is, that gets matty most, makes him hug you as tightly as he can and press little kisses all over your face and hair and get you giggling (his favourite sound in the world).

once you've both caught your breath, kissed some more, and caught your breath again, you speak. “d'you want your anniversary present now, baby?”

matty grins. “yeah. you want yours?”

“yeah,” you beam. reaching across to your bedside table, you take out a little wrapped gift and hand it to him. “for you.”

“thank you, sweet girl,” matty kisses your forehead, rolling off you to pull a thin box from his bag at the side of the bed. “for you.”

“thanks, darling,” you kiss him softly. “go on, you open yours first.”

“alright,” matty carefully rips the brown paper - after smiling, lovesick, at for the love of my life written on it in your unmistakable handwriting - to find what looks like a zine, small enough to fit in his back pocket. he laughs in slight shock at the cover, displaying both of your first initials in a heart and subtitled year one, and this continues when he flicks through the pages. the very first has a picture of the two of you at that fateful birthday party, taken by a friend across the table, as well as one of the receipt for dinner, with little hearts drawn on either side of the listing for your favourite wine; the next, a short typed-out musing ‘written on matty's couch. he's in love with me. he knows i'm in love with him. i've never been so happy in my life. i fell asleep thinking my heart might burst, and that feeling hasn't left me at all. this is true love. i know it now’.

flicking through the pages - he so badly wants to spend time poring over every single one, but he knows now isn't the time - matty feels the exact same way. you've always been shockingly good at gift-giving when it comes to him, but this… this is the best thing anyone's ever done for him.

he doesn't even think love is a strong enough word to describe how he feels about you, to be honest.

you smile when he tells you as much, lifting his hand to kiss it. “i'm glad you like it, baby. i had a lot of fun compiling everything. it was just constant reminders of how much i love you - although, i agree, it's not a strong enough word. maybe i should come up with an alternative. like how coleridge did with soulmate.”

“thank fuck he did, by the way,” matty sighs, leaning in to kiss you. “what would i call you otherwise?”

“i'm sure you'd figure it out. you're very good with words.”

“not when it comes to you, darling,” he smiles. “and that's actually relevant to your gift, so…”

“point taken,” you wink, lifting the lid. your beautiful face takes on a confused expression as you lift out a thin, a3-sized hardback book. “this looks like one of your lyric books from stage…”

“it does, a bit, yeah.”

“...and it has my name on the front,” your jaw drops, and you open the book so frantically that matty can't help but giggle; he laughs even harder when you look up at him, aghast. “this is a score. you wrote me a song?”

“kind of, sweetheart. i mean, i've written you lots of songs already-”

“but none explicitly with my name!”

“no, that's true,” matty moves to sit behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. he feels you relax immediately, which is good, because for a second he thought you were about to go into genuine shock. “and this one is slightly different in another way, too.”

“it is?”

“yeah. look - there aren't any lyrics,” he takes your hand in his own, dragging your finger over the score to show blankness where the words would appear over the stave. “when i said a minute ago that i wasn't good with words when it comes to you, i mean it. you're literally the only person in the world that can render me speechless; trying to concisely convey everything i love about you in words that 1) made sense and 2) worked in a song was impossible. so i figured i would just let the music do the talking,” matty kisses your head. “no lyrics, parts for almost a full orchestra plus the instruments i'm used to writing for… this isn't a song, darling, it's a symphony, the one that plays in my head whenever i think about you.”

“matthew,” your voice is shaky when you say his name; when you turn to look at him, he notices your jaw is too, the telltale sign that you're about to burst into tears. “i think you're absolutely fucking mental. and i love you, i love you, i love you,” your voice cracks into a sob on the last you, and you bury your face in your boyfriend's neck while you cry. “that's the most romantic thing anyone could do, i think, and you did it for me. what the fuck!”

matty giggles, caressing your back and kissing your head soothingly. “s'the least i could do, really.”

“oh, shut up.”

“alright,” he coaxes you out of hiding, wiping your tears away and kissing your nose. “i'll play it for you when we get to a piano tomorrow, yeah?”

“i'd like that,” you peck his lips. “thank you, my love.”

“you're welcome, darling. and thank you for the little zine about us - can't wait to read that tomorrow, too.”

you nod happily - suddenly, your eyes widen. “wait! that reminds me: i got you something else too. and i want us to use them tomorrow.”

“let's see, then,” matty sits up in anticipation, but almost immediately slumps back down exasperatedly when he sees the rolling papers in your hand. “baby…”

“what? it's on-theme!” you grin. “it’s paper! the thing you're meant to give and get to celebrate a first anniversary. and, let's be serious, it was me wanting to smoke that got us here, wasn't it?” 

“you’re incorrigible, sweetheart,” matty shakes his head, hand tracing patterns into your thigh; he can't help but smile, though. “but alright - tomorrow, at some point, we'll smoke.” 

“promise?”

“for fuck's sake,” he sighs. “i promise, even though i think you're demented.” 

you beam. “thanks. i love you!” 

“i love you, too, darling.”

[arielleslipgloss]

It Girl Habits!!

(none of these photos are mine)

“You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours.” - Anne Hathaway

Stay busy!! Do you see those it girls like Serena Van Der Woodsen scrolling on their phone all day? No, you rarely do. It girls are always busy doing something. So, therefore do some self care, study, workout, read, journal, go shopping, go on solo dates, hang out with friends, paint, have a dance party, etc. Do fun activities and take care of yourself. Another example of a busy it girl is, Elle Woods. Elle Woods wasn’t becoming one with the couch everyday. She had goals to achieve. She had people that doubted her to prove wrong. So get up! Start planning out your day or week. Start making goals!!

Have goals! You wanna know why you’re bored all the time? Well, it’s because you have no goals. You practically don’t have a life because all you do is sleep, eat, scroll, and repeat. You’re wasting time doing nothing. You could’ve had a clean room by now. Maybe you could have finished that book. Whatever it is, you could have had it. You could’ve been 1% better than yesterday. You don’t though because you have no goals. That time you’re wasting, can be used toward your goals. It can be used toward your dream life. Maybe, you do have goals? Yet you don’t even take action. What are you waiting for? For someone to do the work for you? No, get up and start taking action.

Be mindful of what you consume online!! Just like how who you surround yourself with affects you. What you consume online affects how and who you are. For example, listening to sad music makes you feel sad. Music is meant to tell a story that you feel deeply. You may not even relate to the song, but you feel as if you do. So, you become sad and continue to listen to sad music. When listening to uplifting music you gain confidence. You still feel like you relate to the song. Just with a more positive effect. As for what you watch and read. Don’t read/watch stuff that will put you down. Watch/read content that will help you.

Complimenting yourself every time you pass the mirror!! Some may say it’s cringy, but DO IT. Would you rather be cringy or be the best version of yourself? Exactly, so either say it out loud or in your head. Say it even if you might not believe it. Say it because you deserve it! Try to be creative with your compliments. Not all compliments have to be about your looks. It could be your personality, your thoughtfulness, how creative you are, etc. Also loosen up, be your own hype girl. When you see the mirror you could say, “Omg I look like the main character.” “Oh wait, I am!” Lastly, don’t forget to have fun with hyping yourself up.

Mediating or journaling when stressed!! When stressed we start to feel a lot of tension. So, that’s why meditating is so important to do when stressed. All you have to do is sit down and focus on breathing. Plus, It calms down your nerves, relaxes the mind, body, and soul. Not just that, but plenty of other benefits. Which includes, helps focus, betters mood, helps you sleep, slows down aging, etc. As for journaling, it’s practically free therapy! That is, at least in my eyes. All you need is a notebook, a pen or pencil, and yourself. Journal what’s making you stressed or anxious. Let all your emotions out, write freely. Your words don’t have to make sense. Nor do you need to have perfect writing. In fact, when you journal it may be all over the place. However or whatever you write, just let it out.

Expressing your gratitude!! Life is so beautiful and has so much meaning. So, either write down what you’re grateful for or thank God. You are so blessed to be here today. That is only just one thing to be grateful for. There are so many things to be grateful for, air, family, friends, your mind, being born as you, water, books, food, shoes, clothes, and so much more!! Express your gratitude everyday. It could be the most random thing like, a poster. As long as you’re truly grateful, then express it.

7. Having a low screen time!! Cliché, I know but it’s true. Your devices are consuming you. Think about what you use your device(s) for. Good examples are, for work, for motivation, tips, workout videos, inspiration, knowledge, and maybe even faith reasons. Now here are bad examples, procrastinating, sinning, hating on others, scrolling, because you’re bored, to watching videos of people that make you insecure, and lastly to cope with something. Which to clarify, trying to cope by using your phone, I understand somewhat. On the other hand, it could make what you’re coping with worse. I say that because there are so many studies on why our phone is bad for us. Seriously, so many and we are completely unaware of the damage it does. So for that reason, try to use your phone only for the good. I know you’re probably going to make an excuse. Which we all do and that’s ok, but please try.

8. Encouraging yourself to do better!! You should always be working hard to be 1% better everyday. So on the days you don’t feel like doing anything, encourage yourself. Show up for yourself, you will be so happy after. Lastly, trust yourself to get whatever done!!

9. Having a healthy sleep schedule!! For me, I try to aim for 8-11 hours of sleep. For others, it may be 7-10 hours of sleep. Whatever makes you feel the most well-rested should work. Just try to be consistent and mindful of the time. I also recommend to be off your phone for at least 30-60 minutes before going to bed. It will improve how you sleep a lot. That also being said, try not to be on your phone when you wake up either. It’ll help improve your health by a lot. Especially, the health of your brain and eyes. As I had mentioned, try to be consistent. Set a certain time to go to bed and turn off your phone. Then, get your lovely beauty sleep gorgeous!!

10. CLEANING!! The last habit is, cleaning. Now, I don’t just meaning cleaning your room or house. I mean even your body and mind. For starters, a clean room equals a clean mind. Therefore, stop procrastinating and start cleaning. Turn on some fun music and maybe even romanticize cleaning. Just make it fun and DEEP clean. I know someone reading this has been procrastinating on cleaning. You know who you are, so clean everything. Then, for cleaning the mind a little extra meditate. I feel like I already went over a bit about meditation. So lastly, for the body, take your showers consistently. Also, please wear deodorant. I see way too many people nowadays not wearing deodorant. Seriously, wear your deodorant.

“Always walk around like you have on an invisible tiara on.” - Paris Hilton

Remember, always apply lip gloss and stay pretty! Love you, dolls 💋

Info I used: https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/benefits-of-meditation

My Pinterest: @arielleslipgloss

[pageofheartdj]

All jokes and horny aside(I do love horny and specific position only🙏 and them fighting over everything always ever and ooc fun scenarious) radioapple are so interesting to think about, about their dynamics, and the characters in general. So I will!

As they are in canon now, Lucifer did not care for Alastor plus the general disgust(and guilt) towards sinners. And then the song happened and Alastor became Lucifer's enemy number one xD If Alastor will drop it, Lucifer won't have a reason to hate on him, but initial negative imperssion is still there.

And Alastor, he is a mysterious guy. The abusive dad is still a theory, him being momma boy and therefore connecting with women better doesn't say anything about his dad situation. The Lilith's deal is also just a theory for now. So for me his immediate negative reaction comes from the same place as his annoyance at Carmilla disregarding him. He wants to be on the top, the most unknown, the most powerful one, the most scary one. He loves attention, he loves keeping everyone alert with his antics.

And he loves being in control, his plans going exactly the way he wants them, not that he can't improvise. He immediately tenses when he sees the sign welcoming dad, he knows. The King of Hell has the ultimate power, the ultimate influence, the ultimate importance. Alastor does not mind someone being more than him in something like he is politely neutral with Zestial. But the hotel carries importance for Alastor's plans so he feels threatened. Before with Charlie's daddy issues I guess he did not expect to see him anytime soon. But here he is, threatening to pull Charlie from his influence, from her needing his powers.

But then we see him being completely chill and not antagonistic at all. One of the reasons I think is that he let his stim out, for a reason being restricted in his activities, the deals he can make, the souls he can take, the kills. And because Charlie needed Lucifer to arrange a meeting with Heaven, something that only Lucifer can do. And that's it. So he lets go for a bit.

Who knows what dynamic season 2 will bring, now that Lucifer stays at the hotel and Alastor took a hard blow at his ego and reputation.

In the wiki it is stated Alastor dislikes people who are like him, but likes people who are more like him, but who knows where is this line. He also said to like Willy Wonka character for being an entertainer and a dick. And Lucifer was told to be like that character. For now Lucifer is a depressed sad baby, but we saw how he can be when he is fucking with others. Alastor likes fun, no matter how this fun is done. Potentially he can enjoy Lucifer's presence. Not to mention, he respects power, at least when the whatever deal with Alastor is done, potentially.

Don't know how prevalent this is now, but both seem to enjoy collecting certain things, like ducks and those firby toys. Both were drawn to dance-vibe with each other.

Speaking of, both love music and play instruments, they can totally jam with each other, making their own little concerts.

Lucifer's idea of sinners will be definetely challenged with Alastor. It's one thing to meet a nice sinner and think 'ah they are not like everyone else'. But it's a completely different thing when this sinner is exactly what you hate about them, the maniac who loves violence. And then you have to come to terms that even THEY can become better, can have something to them. Lucifer drowned himself in guilt and shame, it would be nice to get a bit in touch with people in Hell. Because it seems like he stays away from most things sinners bring with themselves.

Alastor was told to like theatres, so it would be nice for them to go together, to try and see something good from humanity even in Hell. Something that can still keep not being corrupted. And humans creativity and artistism can definetely spark more hope back to Lucifer.

And I think Lucifer would appreciate someone who treats him as equal, it doesn't look like he cares much about being a King, so having someone who will not shy away at punching first can be good.

Lucifer's main support of course would be Charlie(and hopefully hotel crew), but having someone who he can rely to get things actually done is pleasant. He is a King of Hell but he doesn't often act like one, he surely will benefit from someone who can act appropriately spooky. (He can get scary, but I think he needs to get MAD mad for this side of him to appear and at that point you better have Charlie around to calm him down)

And they have to keep the beef part of their interactions, it's just fun to have someone you can freely argue with with no hard feelings afterwards, just a battle of words, their interests don't always aligning. And it's fun to mindlessly banter about them. Like their sweet and bitter food preference, or cooking techniques, etc. Small irrelevant things, or maybe even some clash of ideals, but it is oh so fun to let yourself go lose and not hold back.

It would be nice for them to develop mutual respect and learn to care about each other's boundaries, be it the painful personal history, or choices of leading the relationship.

Yes, the aroace situation. Start with simple, I do not believe Lucifer is straight(nor NT xD) and he is perfectly sex-positive(he started with no experience and no shame either xD). He is more on a demi spectrum for me, getting excitedly horny only with close people(one-times can happen, it's a grey(literally) area). And Alastor... he is touch-aversed until you are close, then the touching is required(both gentle and playful and rough, depending if he wants to sooth himself or get energised or let the stim out). The same with the bed situation. He gets attracted long after all the other bonds are formed. He is sex-indifferent, never wanted with anyone so never went there. He is perfectly content with himself. And when it starts, yet again, depending on what it feels like in the moment.(cannibalism was not the only thing he grew to like in Hell(¬‿¬))

[pinkandpurple360]

ITS ME, MAMMON 💚🃏

This man reeks of insecure corporate shame

A psychology theory…

“And I’ll be like a stepdad, who will love you, when it’s convenient!!”

It all really started for him in LooLoo Land, the-legally distinct-knockoff of Lucifers more successful Lulu World that reeks of insecure corporate shame.

When he said

“I raised you like the son I didn’t want!”

He was fucking lying his clowny ass off because he wanted a son even more than Fizz wanted a father of his own and Mam has not shut up about his father-son delusion for almost twenty goddamn years

The second image above, and all of the symbolism around it is the foundation of Mammons character and psychology. No really. This was not the introduction of Fizzarolli, it was the introduction of Mammon wearing Fizzi as his face. Vibe checked by a jaded 17 year old owl goth girl who can see through her own pathetic dads fake bullshit. This scene was the foreshadowing of the Musical Special. Everything from the green spotlight on Fizzi, the nasty personality of the robot which was closer to Mammons than Fizzarolli’s. Lots of symbolism. Especially the ripped off reference to Hazbin Hotels “I have a dream” song lyric. Has possible symbolism. I’m actually deeply disappointed the ep didn’t make a single call back to LooLoo Land at all. And Blitz was right there and wasted potential :(

Shown is a Fizzbot ‘Fizzi’ compared to his ‘dad’ mammon ahh like father like son as they say. Blech. Everybody loves Fizz, does anybody love you, Mammon? (Me, I do❤️)

So I’m going to get it out of the way and say it, Mammon is giving Leviathan a run for his money (haha money, get it?) because his envy and idolisation of his BFF Lucifer is so great that he’s trying to find his “very own pride and joy”, his own theme park, his own grand circus and adoring fans, and his own wholesome musical child knock-off of Lucifers more popular Charlie Morningstar.

He saw this

And he thought….

Aw, he so sad here :c Just do this one thing, for him x he’s just a giant evil baby man with four arms and eight eyes

He doesn’t really want a daughter though, he feels like he’d relate better to a (marketable) son. And I think that’s the real reason he made the comment about women not being considered the same way adults werent considered, only implings who want to grow up to be like him. (creepy..! I think that’s what tipped Blitzo off also poor Wally (another orphan like Fizz?) Wally didn’t make the cut 😢 YEET.

Anyway-His whole dream is being a father and son taking on the world to grow his empire. As long as he steals all the fortune. He must be insecure and full of shame if he wants someone to be his “new face” every year, if you really think about it. If the kid same is the gender as him and therefore a bit more like his own face in that sense, he’s not copying Lucifers daughter cause he has a son. It’s different and not the same at all.

But seriously it really shocked me when he started talking about being like a stepdad, and he was genuinely excited about it too? But this man doesn’t even know he wants to be a father and he’s probably never felt love before in his life. I guarantee this was a first sight “wow this kid kinda looks like me and he has the same innocent look in his eyes as Charlie, he’s mine now”

“I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING”

This for me. Made as big an impact as Oz saying he loves Fizz. It was very shocking. The opposite of greed is giving, and giving something to somebody is probably a massive fucking deal to Mam and I’d bet he doesn’t even know himself why he gave fizz so much attention

He also doesn’t kill Fizz? He SCREAMS at him, uses big intimidation tactics, sure, but didn’t actually lay a hand on him if you really look? He was fine with being uncomfortably physical and even violent before to him but isn’t now? (Fizz is forever so badass for this moment btw) How strange is that. This whole thing reeks of ‘scorned father’

Like he’s happy to keep exploiting Fizz but also just as fine in replacing him, even happy to see him possibly fail. So he really has no reason to be this possessive and attached. But he is. Oz says the song is about him and Fizz literally calls his name out and Mammon still ALLOWS him to finish his song he genuinely really enjoyed the song, he allowed him to make his speech, but only intervenes when he quits.

Why, because he wants the crowd to “love” him it’s very important to him - the money they give him is what he thinks love is. There is so many dads out there who respond to abuse allegations with “but I put a roof over their head and provide security” This is abusive father 101. I guess it could be just because Fizz is beloved by the masses, profitable, sure. But what if it’s because he feels the same way the crowd does about fizz, and doesn’t comprehend why? He clearly loves watching his performances. Even the diss track against him. Priorities.

It is just an extremely interesting concept to me if Mam is trying to copy Lucifers family, but the best thing he can come up with is a Brand Figure to be his “legacy” Capitalists man. He doesn’t understand what love is. But wants it. Wants to buy it. But it’s never enough.

“You are practically in my image”

Is literally another dad thing and to be more dramatic about this it’s the same thing we hear that ‘God made you in his image’ could this be setting up the theme of the show? Honestly my one criticism is that there’s enough sexual relationships in this show there didn’t need to be implications of him sexually interested in the guy he literally sees as his kid. A twisted boss/father story about a deeply lonely orphan clown child and a deeply lonely capitalistic clown spider over-idolising each other and entering an abusive family/work dynamic due to both of their tragic nativité and ignorance about love, is already a very mature story. It’s a 9/10 story but if Fizz and Blitz (an excellent way to incorporate him in the story) talked a bit about Fizz’s orphan status at the circus making him feel like there was always something missing, something Blitz had but he never did, it would have been 10/10.

[euniveve]

𝐌𝐲 𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐞 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐆𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐓𝐨 𝐌𝐞 — k. ayato

pairings: ayato x reader tags: christmas, modern AU, angst to fluff w.c: 839 a.n: this is a very very very very late christmas present for @fuoon as part of the @2023gisecretsanta event! I never back down never give up (also i was technically sick so i can latch on to that reasoning hahahhahah I'm still very sorry tho) merry christmas, happy new years, hopefully you like your gift!

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry but there’s an emergency meeting that can’t be delayed. I’ll be home as soon as it’s finished.”

You let out a sigh of defeat, looking at the bare Christmas tree in the corner of your living room. The spruce sits there, dreary and gloomy, void of life and celebration, just like your heart. The corner of your lips twitch and you swallow the growing lump in your throat, your eyes shifting back towards the fireplace.

“It’s alright,” you reply, your voice shaky before clearing your throat, “hopefully your meeting goes well.”

“Again my love, I am so sorry, I’ll try to make it up–”

You press the red button before you can hear him say anything more, sparing you the inevitable disappointment it would bring.

Ayato always does this; business before family, or perhaps in his mind it is one and the same. After all, the man has been brought up for the sake of the company, his parents burdening him with the knowledge that it will all be his responsibility someday. That “someday” came 3 years ago and it has been weighing heavily on your relationship.

Last year you were stuck with his sister, Ayaka, and housekeeper Thoma while the head of the Kamisato Corporation ended up coming home after the celebration was finished and the leftovers from the feast stored away. They aren’t bad company per se, you could even say their presence is enjoyable, but they aren’t him.

They are not Kamisato Ayato.

Granted, the previous years he had returned home in time, but this year is no different than that one. The only difference is that Ayaka and Thoma were busy this time of the year, something about helping with the business, so it seems like you will be celebrating alone. 

You suppose you are being selfish, seeing that his enterprise is the one managing the cultural aspect of the Tri-Commision, therefore they would be busy in the time of holidays, it is given. A sacrifice you would have to make, a taste for the coming years undoubtedly.

Wishing for it to change is a childish dream; you are only his fiancee after all. You ought to understand.

You look around the boxes, spotting your headphones before putting them on and arranging your favourite playlist to keep your mind off things, humming along to the tune of a familiar song. 

With absentminded singing, you pick up the tinsel and begin to wrap it around the tree, arranging tiny lights in between the branches. Your fingers twirl the ornaments before placing them in a neat and florid manner. 

Staring blankly at the now fully decorated tree, you took a couple of steps back, trying to admire your own work; that is, before your back pressed against something… warm?

You furrowed your brow, your lips pressed together as your heart began to beat faster in a panic. You quickly contemplate many possibilities; did an intruder manage to get past the property’s tight security? Are you going to get mugged? Will Ayato be sad if a bunch of stuff is missing?

You shook your head; the fiancee of the richest man in Inazuma shouldn’t be scared of such things– so you bite the bullet and turn around, only to be greeted by those dreamy blue eyes and an aloof smile, one you have the pleasure of witnessing every morning.

Ayato reaches over to you, his gaze soft as his hand gently grabs onto your headphones and removes them from your head, your heart beating out of your chest as you watch his every move.

“Ayat-”

Warmth engulfed you both as you felt his soft lips against yours, his arm wrapped around your waist, a tender touch shared only between couples; the happiest couple you know.

“But you said you wouldn’t?” You whisper with bated breath, “How.. why?”

“I will not miss another Christmas with you,” he softly replies before letting one of his mischievous smiles slip in, “After all, there are worse nights to miss than this one.”

“Pfft…”

His blue eyes shift away from your face, that smirk still sitting on his lips before his sights landed on the fully decorated Christmas tree, except for arguably, the most important part. “Where is the star?”

He slightly bent down, resting his chin on your shoulder, kissing your jaw before whispering into your ear, his hot breath fanning over your earlobe almost making you shiver. “Were you waiting for me to put it, darling?”

“As if!” You stifle a chuckle, eyeing the golden star on one of the boxes before tugging the fabric of his suit. “But could you perhaps do it?”

Ayato hummed, his arm’s grip tightened on your waist, peppering kisses on your shoulder before finally loosening and walking over to the boxes, picking up the star and placing it on top of the tree effortlessly. He then suddenly turned around, taking a mistletoe out of his pocket and holding it high up.

“Shall we complete the ultimate Christmas tradition, my love?”

[margaretoakgrove]

Caring Lord Heisenberg

First of all, let me to wholeheartedly congratulate you on being one of the luckiest people in the world!

Yes, that's right, you have automatically become one since that very moment when the heart of lord Heisenberg himself chose you as his only one beloved.

And despite of the tough personality and rough exterior of this man he is, actually, quite kind, caring, gentle and attentive within the soul and will do literally anything to see a genuine smile of happiness on your face.

You will probably not hear him saying "i love you" hundred times a day because, not going to lie, Karl is not very good at expressing his feelings with words, but he will definitely always find many other different ways to show how deeply he really cares for you.

On daily basis the lord lavishly compliments your outward look, making your cheeks redden like two ripe tomatoes, and persistently encourages you not to give up on your cherished dreams but devotedly follow them no matter how difficult that is, this way helping the wings of your soul remain unfolded.

All needs of yours Karl is very well aware of and always ready to help you out to entirely fulfill each and every one of them. He buys your favorite beverages and food from the Duke, even without paying attention to the prices; masterly unnoticeably steals breathtaking books from the rich library of lady Dimitrescu, makes Donna special orders for her to sew new clothes to your liking and asks Moreau for all necessary and qualitative medicines when you are in a poor state of health.

Speaking of your health, it is extremely important for the lord for you to stay well as much as possible and for this reason, knowing his habit of smoking like a chimney, Karl avoids puffing cigars near with you.

Making jewellery of metal has now turned into Heisenberg's new little hobby in his spare of work time. He enjoys sitting in one of his workshops in a calm atmosphere, painstakingly designing and creating another trinket, at the same time quietly humming some nice melodic song and vividly imagining how doubtlessly glad you will be to receive one more peculiar handmade gift from him.

Sometimes because of an especially unpleasant family gathering or an unsuccessful experiment, the blood within the man's veins begin to boil out of irritation and pure anger. Remembering how highly sensetive by nature you really are, Karl politely asks you to leave him for some time alone in order to cool his jets and be able to think straight as he desires not one bit to accidentally snap at you and break your fragile heart.

For Heisenberg there is nothing more unbearable than to watch his darling cry. Therefore when your precious eyes start filling with bitter tears of sadness, the lord, as if on autopilot, gives you a firm yet gentle hug. Carefully and caringly stroking your hair and back, your beloved tenderly soothes you, assuring that everything is certainly going to be alright because he is always here…with you…

When you wish to take a slow stroll in a forest or simply around the village, usually Karl gladly joins you, serving you as a loyal and reliable defender. But at thouse moments when he, unfortunately, cannot come together with you, being too busy with working on his projects, the lord sends a pack of lycans in order for them to protect you from every ill-wisher and each potential danger during your walk. Don't worry! These fluffy guys just look so intimidating, but Heisenberg trained them too well, and, believe me, they will never dare to cause you any harm.

At the restless nights of your life when you, being attacked by a bunch of poisonous anxious thoughts, try to desperately fall asleep, almost constantly tossing and turning in the bed, the strong arms of your beloved wrap around you even more tighter than usual. Pulling you closely to his sturdy wide chest, Karl softly and gently caresses your tensed body, placing simultaneously little loving kisses on your face, neck and shoulders, from time to time speaking into your ear very pleasant amazing things in a whisper until you feel absolutely relaxed and sleepy.

Closing your eyes and sinking into the land of sweet peaceful dreams, inwardly you sincerely thank the Universe for allowing you to love this incredible man and to be loved by him tenfold back, feeling with all your heart that, in fact, only he and he alone is everything you have ever truly wanted and everything you have ever so badly needed.

[journeytothewestresearch]

PSA - Don't Treat JTTW As Modern Fiction

This is a public service announcement reminding JTTW fans to not treat the work as modern fiction. The novel was not the product of a singular author; instead, it's the culmination of a centuries-old story cycle informed by history, folklore, and religious mythology. It's important to remember this when discussing events from the standard 1592 narrative.

Case in point is the battle between Sun Wukong and Erlang. A friend of a friend claims with all their heart that the Monkey King would win in a one-on-one battle. They cite the fact that Erlang requires help from other Buddho-Daoist deities to finish the job. But this ignores the religious history underlying the conflict. I explained the following to my acquaintance:

I hate to break it to you [name of person], but Erlang would win a million times out of a million. This is tied to religious mythology. Erlang was originally a hunting deity in Sichuan during the Han (202 BCE-220 CE), but after receiving royal patronage during the Later Shu (934-965) and Song (960-1279), his cult grew to absorb the mythos of other divine heroes. This included the story of Yang Youji, an ape-sniping archer, leading to Erlang's association with quelling primate demons. See here for a broader discussion. This is exemplified by a 13th-century album leaf painting. The deity (right) oversees spirit-soldiers binding and threatening an ape demon (left).

Erlang was connected to the JTTW story cycle at some point, leading to a late-Yuan or early-Ming zaju play called The God Erlang Captures the Great Sage Equaling Heaven (二郎神鎖齊天大聖). In addition, The Precious Scroll of Erlang (二郎寳卷, 1562), a holy text that predates the 1592 JTTW by decades, states that the deity defeats Monkey and tosses him under Tai Mountain. So it doesn't matter how equal their battle starts off in JTTW, or that other deities join the fray, Erlang ultimately wins because that is what history and religion expects him to do. And as I previously mentioned, Erlang has royal patronage. This means he was considered an established god in dynastic China. Sun Wukong, on the other hand, never received this badge of legitimacy. This was no doubt because he's famous for rebelling against the Jade Emperor, the highest authority. No human monarch in their right mind would publicly support that. Therefore, you can look at the Erlang-Sun Wukong confrontation as an established deity submitting a demon.

I'm sad to say that my acquaintance immediately ignored everything I said and continued debating the subject based on the standard narrative. That's when I left the conversation. It's clear that they don't respect the novel; it's nothing more than fodder for battleboarding.

I understand their mindset, though. I love Sun Wukong more than just about anyone. I too once believed that he was the toughest, the strongest, and the fastest. But learning more about the novel and its multifaceted influences has opened my eyes. I now have a deeper appreciation for Monkey and his character arc. Sure, he's a badass, but he's not an omnipotent deity in the story. There is a reason that the Buddha so easily defeats him.

In closing, please remember that JTTW did not develop in a vacuum. It may be widely viewed around the world as "fiction," but it's more of a cultural encyclopedia of history, folklore, and religious mythology. Realizing this and learning more about it ultimately helps explain why certain things happen in the tale.

[marie-swriting]

What If - Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Top Gun Maverick Masterlist

Summary : After having an accident, Jake wants to live in the moment even more and take your relationship a step forward, but do you ?

Warnings : Bradshaw!Reader (Reader is Bradley's younger sister by two years), mention of plane accident, mention of deaths (parents and best friend), fear of losing loved ones, proposal, angst, sad ending, implied struggling with mental health, maybe some grammatical mistakes as English is not my first language, tell me if you see some or if I missed any warnings.

Word count : 4.6k

French version

Song inspiration : Champagne Problems by Taylor Swift

You run in the hospital hallways, searching for room 322. Your anxiety increases with every step you take. Your destination seems unreachable. Your eyes are filled with tears but you hold them back. However, the second you walk through the door 322, they run free on your cheeks. Seeing Jake’s body laying down on the bed, hurt, doesn’t help to reduce your stress. Hearing you walking in the room, Jake gives you a big smile as if he didn’t almost die the day before. You get closer to him, examining him a bit more while wiping your cheeks. His left arm is in a sling, his head is bandaged and he has several cuts on his face.

“So, I heard you like bad boys,” Jake starts with a cocky smile, “is this good enough for you?”

“Jake, this is not the time to make jokes. You could have died!” you retort, sitting on the chair next to his bed.

“And I didn’t. I’m here and alive.”

“And hurt.”

“The fact is I’m alive. Thanks to your brother.” he specifies, showing Bradley with his chin.

“At least, we now know who is the best pilot.” your brother jokes.

“In your dreams, Rooster, I just wanted to test your ability to react quickly.”

“You’ll do your pissing contest later, tell me how you’re feeling.” you ask, still panicked.

“I’m fine. I almost don’t feel anything thanks to the meds. Y/N, I am fine, really.” Jake promises you, taking your hand with his right one.

“I’m gonna leave you alone.” Bradley informs you by pressing your shoulder. “Get some rest, Hangman.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you.” Jake says once you’re alone.

“Trust me, it’s not just worrying. I really thought… For a moment, I was sure…” you stutter, a tear rolling down your cheek again.

“I know, I’m sorry. Come here.” he invites you, moving in the best way so you can lie down.

“No, I might hurt you.”

“I don’t care.”

Reluctantly, you get closer to the bed. You think of the best way you could get in bed without hurting him. Jake rolls his eyes before dragging you towards him with his abled arm. You find yourself next to him and you put your head in the crook of his neck, inhaling his natural scent and the hospital.

“Don’t ever do that again. I can’t lose you.” you mutter.

“You won’t lose me. I promise.” Jake affirms, forcing you to look at him. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, Jake.”

You give a small smile then you press your lips against Jake’s. Your kiss isn’t as passionate as it could be, yet it shares all the love you feel.

Once the night comes, you refuse to leave Jake. You literally beg the nurses to let you stay the night. At first, they insist on you leaving, nonetheless when you explain how scared you were to lose your boyfriend and how you can only stay in San Francisco for two days due to your job, they accept. Therefore, you’re currently on the chair in the corner of the room with a thin blanket. Jake wanted you to stay with him on the bed but you said you wouldn’t, you are afraid you might hurt him while sleeping. Your unimportant argument lasted thirty minutes but you stood your ground until the end.

Tired because of his medicines, Jake fell asleep in a few minutes. As for you, you stay awake, watching his chest rise and fall at the rhythm of his breaths. You don’t dare to look away, fearing that by doing so, he might stop respiring. 

Notwithstanding, with the hours passing by and with all the emotion you felt, Morpheus comes to embrace you in his arms. At first, your sleep is relaxing though as soon as you start dreaming, your breathing quickens. You see Jake lying on the ground unconscious, you hear your own heart-rending scream when Bradley tells you about an accident, you smell the rain while the coffin sinks in the ground, you touch the tears on your fingers whilst you’re wiping your cheeks and finally, you feel your own heart that seems like it stopped beating in your chest. 

You wake up jumping at that last sensation. You calm down your breathing while you stare at Jake, wanting to make sure he’s still alive in his hospital bed. You can’t see his chest moving, you panic then you stand up from the chair and run to him. Jake lightly opens the mouth before closing it several times and then changing position in the bed. Seeing him moving makes you sigh in relief. 

Jake is okay. Jake is alive. Jake is not dead. Jake will not die.

No matter how many times you repeat those sentences like a mantra, your anxiety still doesn’t leave your body. Tears threaten to really stream down your face so you discreetly leave the room. Thankfully, the corridor is empty, allowing you to cry your eyes out. You hold back sobs as much as you can. If you sobbed, you would wake Jake up for sure.

You need a moment to calm down your tears. Seeing Jake hurt because of his work in the Navy overwhelmed you so much for several reasons. The first one being because you love Jake and you don’t want to lose him. The second one is because of the buried memories. Your dad died when you were still a baby and Bradley was only two. You don’t have memories of him but you know how much his death affected your mom. The loss of your father isn’t the only one haunting you. You also lost your best friend Lucy. You had been friends with her since you were four years old. You were inseparable until she enlisted in the army and died at twenty. 

Receiving Bradley’s call about Jake gave you a glimpse of what your mother and Lucy’s mom went through, a trial you always hoped you’d never face.

Once you're sure you won’t fall apart, you go back in the room. By some miracle, Jake didn’t hear you leaving or entering, probably because of the medicine - normally, he’s a light sleeper. You walk back to the chair and stay awake the whole night, you don’t want to sit through another tragic scenario made by your brain.

The next day, you stay with Jake until the evening. You don’t want to leave him behind in the hospital, however, you have work so you don’t have a choice. Bradley promises you he’ll stay with Jake until his family comes during the week-end and he’ll keep you updated on Jake’s health. You only trust Bradley for this, you know Jake might not tell you everything to not worry you.

When you’re back home, you find your apartment dull. What is supposed to make you feel better can’t comfort you whilst in your mind, you get more lost in your deepest fears. The fact you’re in the process of moving out doesn’t help. 

Jake and you are supposed to get a small house together. You should have the keys in two weeks, his deployment was supposed to be over by then. A few days ago, you were still looking forward to leaving your apartment and living with the man you love and now, you don’t know anymore.

Your relationship has always been exceptional, not only because he’s a good man but also considering that, before him, you wouldn’t allow yourself to date an army man. You always knew your mother as a half empty shell so you always wanted to protect yourself from the same deadly fate and the loss of Lucy didn’t help either. You’re already worried about losing your brother and Maverick, whom you consider as your uncle, you don’t want to risk losing your partner, too. Therefore, you had always refused to fall in love with a man like this. Before, you could do it until Jake appeared in your life; just like his personality, his entrance in your life was loud. You tried to resist it but your heart didn’t give you a choice so, for the first time, you broke your own rule. Your relationship with Jake is the most beautiful one you’ve ever had and you have no regrets about it. You used to have no regrets about it. His accident was a good reminder of how dangerous his job is. 

Until you came home, you tried to shut down your fears and your doubts though, now, in your half-empty apartment, you can’t ignore it anymore. That night, you can’t sleep, your mind too busy to torture you.

Unfortunately for you, your mind doesn't give you one second of peace. The following days, you doubt your whole relationship with Jake, imagining the worst case scenarios in which he’d die during several milestones : your first house together, your wedding, pregnancies, anniversaries. The list never seems to end. You can’t be optimistic about it. You’re completely lost in your worries to the point where you end up living like a robot. You’re making yourself sick while anticipating the worst.

Your downward spiral is interrupted a week later by a knock on your door one morning. At first, you ignore the noise, comfortably staying in your discontent. However, when the person insists, you leave your bed and open them, not without sighing, annoyed. You’re about to tell the person to leave but the presence of Jake stops you. He wasn’t supposed to come back to San Diego right now and yet, here he is, in front of you, a big smile on his face and his left arm still in the sling and his wounds on his face starting to fade.

“Jake? What are you doing here? You still need to rest!”

“I know, I wanted to see you though and I couldn’t wait so I took the night train at the last minute. Can I come in?” Jake asks and  you let him in, still surprised.

“Why didn’t you call me? I could have come during the weekend.”

“I wanted to surprise you. You’re okay ? You look under the weather.” he observes, stroking your cheek.

“I should ask you this, you’re the one who almost died not even a week ago.” you answer, taking his hand in yours.

“I’m better, Y/N. Even Bradley told you so. The recovery is gonna be long but I’ll be okay.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“I love when you go all mother hen. It’s cute.” he says, kissing your cheek and you let go of a laugh.

“You’re an idiot. Let’s go to the living room.” you invite him, starting to walk. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No. I just want to talk to you.” Jake informs you.

“About what?”

You frown when he prevents you from sitting on your couch. He slowly strokes your hand before taking a deep breath.

“Look, you know I always try to enjoy the present and with this accident, it really made me realise how precious what we currently have is. I don’t want to waste any seconds, I want to enjoy every moment with you. There is something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a moment now but I would keep telling myself it might be too early so I always pushed it back then I talked about it with my mom and she convinced me to jump in with both feet.”

“Jake, what do you mean?” you question, stress twisting your stomach.

“Y/N,” Jake resumes, looking deeply in your eyes, “since the second I saw you, I knew you were the woman made for me. I knew you were worth the fight, even if, at first, you wouldn’t pay attention to me. You’re the most intelligent, funny, compassionate and beautiful woman I know. We will have our own house soon and I can’t wait to reach this milestone with you but I’d love for us to reach another one.” he confesses, putting one knee down and your eyes are wide open.

“Jake.”

“Y/N, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

“Wh-what ?” you stutter and Jake nervously laughs.

“Will you marry me?”

“Are you serious?” you question, dropping his hand.

“Huh, yes, I even have the ring.” he specifies, taking out the ring from his pocket, “Though I gotta admit, I think of saying it’s just a joke right now, you’re making me nervous.”

“I’m just surprised. I don’t know what to say.” you defend yourself.

Your eyes are set on Jake’s ring. You’ve seen it before. He’d shown it to you the day you first met his parents a year ago. It’s his great-grand-mother’s ring. It’s simple but you find it beautiful.

“It’s easy, say yes or no.” Jake replies with an anxious smile.

“Jake, we’ve only been together for two years.” you argue and Jake stands up.

“We don’t have to get married next year. We can be engaged for several years. We can wait before calling each other husband and wife, but I have to admit I’d love to, at least, call you my fiancée.”

“Jake, I can’t.” you end up saying.

“What, do you have a first husband in your attic or something?” Jake laughs and you see the panic in his eyes.

“No, I can’t marry you.”

Your sentence sounds like a fatal blow in Jake’s ears. He stays silent, staring at you without understanding what’s going on. He gets a grip on himself when his phone rings in his pocket. Jake knows it’s his mom. She knew he was going to propose today and she is impatient to call you her daughter-in-law. However, it looks like it won’t be the case. Jake opens his mouth several times before managing to utter something:

“What? Why?”

“I… I can’t.”

“But I love you, we love each other. You love me, right?” he asks, doubtful.

“Of course I love you, Jake, more than I ever loved before.” you promise him, making him frown.

“What’s the problem then?”

“I don’t want to marry you.”

If your first refusal already seemed awful to him, the sentence you just said is the final blow. The fact that you don’t want to marry him breaks his heart. He’s lost. It was supposed to be a joyful moment and yet, the ground is falling apart under him.

“What? Did something happen? Did I do something? I… I thought everything was fine between us.”

“It is.”

“Y/N, you have to stop being vague, I don’t understand anything.” he retorts with a strong tone. “What’s going on?”

“You should leave.”

“No, We have to talk about it. You can’t tell me you love me then tell me you don’t want to marry me. Talk to me, Y/N, you have to talk to me. Give me a reason, at least.”

“You wouldn’t understand.” you answer, avoiding his eyes.

“If you explained to me, maybe I’d understand. Are… Are you breaking up with me? Is that why you haven’t been calling me lately?” he questions, desperately searching for an explanation for your behaviour.

“I’ve just been thinking a lot and I think it’s best if we stop right now. I’m sorry, Jake, but I can’t keep being with you. You’ll find someone with whom you’ll share your life with and who will want to marry you.”

“I want it to be you.” he says with a weak tone, tearing up.

“Jake, please.”

“Very well then.” Jake accepts, hurt in his eyes.

Jake turns around and at the rhythm of his steps, your heart breaks whilst you’re looking at him walking to the door. You begged him to leave and yet, you only want to scream at him to come back to you and to hold you in his arms while you apologise. Yet, you stay silent. Jake doesn’t look back when he closes the door.

Once you’re alone, you fall down on your couch. In your head, you convince yourself it’s the best decision. After all, you should feel relieved, now, you don’t have to worry about losing Jake because of his job anymore. Nevertheless, your mind is not calm. You don’t know which way to turn but for different reasons. You wish it was different, it was easier, he had another job, you weren’t afraid. You spend the night crying while removing every trace of Jake in your apartment and unpack some boxes. You have to move on right now before you lose yourself a bit more.

You haven’t talked to Jake for three weeks. He tried to contact you but you ignored every one of his calls. He first wanted to fix your relationship before understanding it was too late, though he wants explanations, explanations you keep for yourself. You don’t want to tell him, you know it’s ridiculous. Why end a relationship given a potential “what if” when everything is fine? However, you also know if you had moved ahead with Jake, you would have ended up sabotaging your relationship. Technically, it’s what you did though at least, you didn’t have to call lawyers to leave his life.

Bradley tried to call you, too, and just like for Jake, you ignored him. Jake probably told him about your break up and Bradley, always being the honourable man, wants to fix the situation. Except the situation can’t be fixed. You don’t want to fix the situation.

When you come back from work that day, you’re surprised to discover your brother at your doorstep. Without thinking, you run in his arms. Sure, you’ve been ignoring him lately but you missed him. The last time you saw each other, you were too focused on Jake to pay attention to him. He holds you in his arms and strokes your back. As soon as you break your embrace, you let Bradley in. You go to your kitchen while talking about banality. Whilst walking, Bradley pays attention to your apartment and notices there isn’t a picture of Jake anymore. Once you’re sitting at the table, you stay silent, waiting for who will be the first to talk about the subject.

“We should talk about the elephant in the room, don’t you think?” Bradley says after a few minutes.

“There’s nothing to say.” you retort, tensed.

“Y/N, you threw away a two years relationship for no reason.”

“I have my reasons.”

“Which are? Jake is probably curious to know them.”

“If you came here to make things better, you’re wasting your time, Brad’.”

“You can’t act like that and expect to not justify yourself. You were happy with Jake, you love him and you broke up without giving a warning. I have to admit when he told me you refused his proposal, I was shocked. I thought you were gonna say yes without hesitating.”

“You knew?”

“He asked me before coming here. I confess, I laugh at him, I didn’t expect him to ask for your hand or give me a heads-up, like he said.” Bradley informs with a smile, thinking back to the memory. “Everything was good between you two, wasn’t it? So why?”

“It’s better like this. He’ll have a wife who knows how to stay and I won’t suffer.”

“Wait, is all of this because of the parents and Lucy?” he questions, understanding the reason. “You’re still with this stupid no-dating-army-guy rule? I thought we were over with it! Y/N, you can’t ruin your life just because you’re scared.”

“I don’t want to end up like mom! You can’t blame me! We were kids but you can’t deny there was a before and an after with mom. She wasn’t laughing like she used to, she wasn’t smiling like she used to. She was the shadow of her former self. I don’t want to go through this if Jake were to die.” you confess.

“It’s because of his accident, isn’t it?”

“It reminded me he could die at any given moment with his work.”

“Just like he could die off-duty. He can have an accident, have a heart attack, choke while eating. You don’t know what will happen in the future. You can’t condemn yourself ‘cause you’re too afraid he might die while flying. It’s ridiculous.” Bradley affirms, resolutely.

“I’m already afraid of losing you and Mav’ and I already lost Lucy and we lost dad, I don’t want Jake to join this list. Can’t you really blame me? I’d rather protect myself by not being afraid everytime my boyfriend goes to work.”

“Let’s imagine the worst were to happen, don’t you think it’d be better to think you spent every second with him? You’d rather live with regrets? You’d rather break your own heart?”

“At least, I know why I’m hurting.”

“Y/N, you have to think about it again.” he sighs. “You have to get out of your head that the worst will happen. You can’t prevent yourself from being happy because of what could happen. You deserve a beautiful life and to be with Jake. I never saw you this happy before and it kills me to see you throw it away because you’re scaring yourself.”

“The problem is I can’t help it,” you start with trembling lips. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it when we first got together then it got better. However, since his accident, it’s been worse. Since your call, I keep imagining what could have happened and what could happen and I’m tired of it, Bradley. I’ll never get rid of it and I hate it but that’s how it is. Believe me, if I could change, I’d do it right now, but I can’t.”

Bradley hugs you as soon as he sees you crying. He holds you against him until your tears stop a few hours later. His heart aches seeing you hurting this much. He knows you’ve always been more affected by your father’s death. Being the youngest, the emptiness you feel about your dad has always been stronger. It got worse with Lucy’s death. That day, Bradley really saw you get broken. He hated every second of this moment of your life. He hates seeing suffering like you currently are. Several times, Bradley tried to help you, he advised you to go see a professional but you’ve always refused. Until now, he had hoped your fears would ease with time, yet, your relationship with Jake just proved him it got worse and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s completely distraught whilst he keeps holding you against him, hoping to give you some kind of comfort. 

Two months have passed since your break up. You take it day by day to heal your broken heart. Bradley tries to stay with you as much as he can while Jake isn’t surrounded by anyone. He prefers to wear a mask and pretend your negative answer isn’t hurting him. Nevertheless, the second he’s home alone, his mask falls and he allows himself to feel all his pain. Jake, who has always done it, manages to fool everyone with his fake cocky smile. Almost everyone. Coyote sees right through him.

That night is no exception. Sitting at the counter in the Hard Deck, Jake is drinking his third alcoholic drink. Jake has isolated himself from the rest of the Dagger Squad, saying he’s tired and wanted to be alone. Though, Javy doesn’t let him be in the doldrums. He sits on the stool next to Jake and orders a beer from Penny. Coyote gives him some minutes of peace before speaking.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Coyote doesn’t even need to specify for Jake to understand. Your relationship has been a taboo subject for two months.

“Not really.” Jake says, taking a sip.

“You should.” he replies while Penny hands him his beer. “Do you at least know why she made this decision?”

Jake didn’t tell anyone the reason for your fallout. He feels humiliated enough by your harsh refusal to his proposal, he wants to bury the end of your relationship and never talk about it again. Though Javy is right, Jake knows he has to open up.

“Rooster talked to her. Turns out she doesn’t want to marry me because she’s scared I might die on-duty.”

“Did your accident scare her that much?” Javy questions, taken aback.

“It was the final straw but she’s always been scared apparently. I mean, I suspected it, you know, seeing what we do for a living, it makes sense. She also lost her dad and her best friend in similar circumstances. The problem is I didn’t know those deaths affected her that much. Anyway, there is nothing else to say.”

Coyote doesn't say anything for a moment, taking in the information and the way might have felt when he learned them.

“Well, she would have made such a lovely bride. What a shame she’s fucked in the head.” he says, ignoring what else to say.

“She suffered and she doesn’t want to go through this pain again, we can’t blame her. I’m not saying she should stay lost in her fear, it’s not healthy though, I get why she does.” Jake states before taking a deep breath and finishing his drink in one go. “I just wish she would trust our love more than her fears.”

Once he comes home, Jake sits down on his couch, sighing loudly. He runs a hand on his face, emotionally drained. As soon as his hand lands on his thigh, his eyes find a picture hung beside his TV that he didn’t have the strength to remove. It’s a photo he took at the beginning of your relationship, more precisely the day you told each other ‘I love you’ for the first time.

You had spent the day at the beach during summer. The sun was setting down whilst you were laughing at a stupid sentence Jake had said. He had stopped laughing before you, admiring you while you tried to calm your laughter. Then, Jake had looked deeply in your eyes and he had said those three words so simple and yet, so powerful. You had replied the following second with a big smile on your face. Before leaving the beach, Jake had asked to immortalise this moment. Thinking back on it, it was cliché and cheesy but Jake didn’t care. For you, he would have done the most cliché gestures if it could make you break a smile.

Jake keeps staring at the picture, your relationship running in his head. Without noticing it, he tears up before the tears stream down his face. It’s the third time he cries since your break up. The first time, it was the night of the proposal after he went home and the second time, when Bradley explained to him the reason behind your ‘no’.

Jake has never been good with his emotions. Between his education and his work in the army, he’s never learned to put words on his pain and to accept being vulnerable. With you, he had succeeded to understand himself better and to open up. It was still complicated despite two years together but he had improved. Now, he is back to square one. He’s back to his shell, running away from his emotions. Though, it doesn’t mean his mind isn’t haunted by 'what if's. What if he never had this accident? What if he had seen right through your fears sooner? What if he had managed to reassure you? What if he had managed to convince you to get the help you need? What if everything was different?

As for you, the questions are similar. Every night, you torture your own mind before crying yourself to sleep whilst looking at the spot where there once was the picture of your first ‘I love you’ before you ripped it off from your bedroom wall just like you ripped off both of your hearts from your chest.

Top Gun Maverick Masterlist

[mxqlss]

ALL BECAUSE I LIKED A BOY. — RM2

jess’s song choice:

instagram sent you a notification!

@yn.ln posted on instagram!!

@yn.ln

“because i liked a boy” is out NOW!! Make sure to stream it on all platforms!! This song was based off my past relationships, therefore please do not come at any of them!!

I just wanna give a big thank you to all my friends out in Michigan, who supported me throughout my whole career from beginning to now! I love you all so much!! 💕💕

Liked by, ethanedwards.73, bestfriendsuser and 163.5K others

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ethanedwards.73 we love you too y/n/n!

yn.ln aw!! 🤍

lhughes_06 i miss you 😔

yn.ln miss you too lukey!!

user681 I love how rutgers friends are commenting except for rut himself? 🤨

liked by 1238 others

user12 exactly!! I think she wrote this song directly to rut!!

seamuscasey all because i liked a boy

yn.ln omg casey!!

bestfriendsuser thats my baby!!!

yn.ln i legit love you so much!! 💕

bestfriendsuser ik you do 🤍

user46 rutger is awfully quiet today..

markestapa lowk I might just send this to your exes!!

yn.ln mark. dont.

markestapa okay! (im gonna do it anyways)

ethanedwards.73 @yn.ln too late! did it once she posted

liked by rutgermcgroarty

yn.ln you guys suck

user149 @/ethanedwards.73 omg rutger liked it!! hes defo listened to the song!

instagram sent you a notification!

@hollywoodfame posted on instagram!

@hollywoodfame

It has been confirmed that YN LN and Rutger McGroarty are no long together! It is sad to see them go, but YN LN posted a new song that is possibly dedicated to Rutger??

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user27 this was not on my bingo card.

user17 do I cry? do I cheer? what do I do??

user91 tbh YN does not deserve Rut. Rut can get someone way better than YN.

user19 honestly, agreed

user46 YN was annoying anyways, kinda glad that they broke up

user18 I never liked YN, I dont understand what Rutger sees in her anyways

YN sat on the couch, in her apartment reading through the comments one by one. Most people didnt like her or thought Rutger deserved better than her, even when they were together they would still hate on her and she saw it every single time.

Before she could read more her phone dinged, she looked up at the notification

“hairless cat 💕” sent you a message!

“hey are you okay??”

she looked at the message before clicking on the notification and began typing back to Luke. Yes, she was hurt, but she couldnt do anything about it. It was out of her control and her managments control. It was out of Rutger’s control

a/n:: lowky this is my first time writing again but this isnt realy writing 😭😭. Anyways ill probably post the second part soon 🫶🏼

xoxo, jess

[incredibly-delirious-biznasty]

So now that I have an opportunity to scream about Kendrick Lamar’s Genius on Tumblr

Help yourself to this analytical essay I wrote in 2016 examining “To Pimp a Butterfly” and dissecting the stance that Kendrick is, by definition, a conscious rapper.

Shoutout to Drew Lindsay, the professor whose class I wrote this for. Also, please engage in lyrical analysis and music theory with me 🥺

Throughout his album To Pimp a Butterfly (TPaB), Kendrick Lamar is grappling with big issues of race and resentment. There are many layers to each song on the album and like any modern masterpiece, the true meaning lies below the surface and must be teased out. Many songs on TPaB come across as strictly fighting racism and helping along a powerful message in support of his roots. When digging deeper, we find that even the most overt black support anthems on the album have an argumentative element which questions Lamar’s roots and his thoughts on perceived racism. The conflict evident throughout the album is the incarnation of Kendrick’s personal struggle and reflects the conflict within the black community. TPaB’s message is not overtly positive or uplifting and is highly conflicted and therefore can not be classified as realist or conscious. At it’s core, To Pimp a Butterfly is not a conscious manifesto, telling the viewer exactly what to think, but a conversation about current racial issues that is not firmly positive or negative.

! “King Kunta” is the only track on the album that has a seemingly triumphant message all the way through; however this message takes on a sad note when put in the context of the rest of the album. When taken out of context, “King Kunta” comes across as a celebratory anthem, not only for Kendrick himself but for his homies and his people as well. The Lyrics, “Black man taking no losses” extends from his personal success to the triumph of a black art becoming the most popular music form in the mainstream. Even the title references the prolific slave “Kunta Kintae” who’s leg was

hacked for his “slights” against his white captors. Like a conscious track, it seems to have a clear surface meaning. However, as it happens over and over across the album, the traditional wholesome respectful themes of conscious rap are largely disregarded. The beat and production on this track are some of the most radio friendly and “trendy” on the album and the the first track to carry a piece of Kendrick’s Poem at the end. This seems to give “King Kunta” the high note before the gut punch of meaning. The message of “King Kunta” is predominantly “We made it guys,” but as the album progresses, we are made to beg the question “Made it where?”. As the next track on the record starts to deal with Kendrick’s old neighborhood and the clear negative points of contention start to reveal themselves, “King Kunta” becomes bleaker and more hollow in hindsight as the record progresses.

! “Institutionalized” compares Kendrick’s Compton neighborhood to a prison and starts to unpack conflicting feelings about the draw to his personal roots, and all the negatives that come with. As the preceding snippet of The Poem states “At fist you was conflicted,” it only makes sense that this theme rings throughout this song in many ways. There are many layers of conflict as well as many layers of persona in this track that should all be taken into account. Kendrick himself is “trapped in the ghetto” in more ways than one as he struggles to make a name for himself in the industry. Kendrick misses his home, but feels he can no longer relate to his old station after finding success; and yet he can never shake his ghetto roots and the baggage that comes with. There seem to be no positives left about Kendrick’s home and this displacement is furthered after he takes his homies to an award show and their first instinct is to steal from the celebrities around them. He so desperately wants to have a safe place in his

home when faced with the chaos and pressure of the music industry, but finds his home is now just as confining as the industry. As with most of the tracks on this record, Kendrick also acts as a surrogate for members of the black community to reflect common issues. The BET situation can easily be applied to any black kid who comes out of the ghetto and attempts to make something of themselves. The neighborhood and the attached stigmas follow any possible success and no matter how successful any one of these people gets, the inherent shame and conflict of their less successful or motivated peers and life station will always weigh on their minds. Throughout a predominantly conflicted and negative track, the chorus gives a single ray of hope through the mantra of “Shit don’t change unless you get up and wash your ass”.

! “Alright” uses a black stereotype to grapple with his personal struggle through life and compares it to the struggle of the black community as a whole. When we reach this track, the Poetic additions have reached “the evils of Lucy was all around me” and on the preceding track of “U” Kendrick and the album had hit their lowest point. As the track starts, a slew of new conflicts hits the table. Kendrick is facing his vices and the path he is headed down due to his fame and the influence of the music industry; comparing the game to “Lucy,” an incarnation of the devil in the form of a crafty woman. Again, he doubles as surrogate for the black community and the communal struggle, but fans out this connection to God. The “lawd lovin darkie” is a stereotype that Kendrick is playing on as a positive and embracing despite the pull against such topics in the mainstream rap industry. The voice of the track feels vastly positive; the bounce after the rock- bottom of “U”. However, “Alright” is nothing if not weighed down with struggle and sadness. The conflict of depression and hope clashes with every run of the chorus.

Lucy’s echo of Uncle Sam on “Wesley’s Theory” is a direct comparison of The Music Industry to Satan, a notion that Craig points out has been “a prominent, reoccurring theme [in music] for the past 30 years.”(Vigilant Citizen, 4). The bars have the same rhythm, but manage to hold their identity despite the change from 112 beats per minute(bpm) on “Wesley’s Theory” to the 56bpm of “Alright”. For a composition standpoint this is so impressive and Connor’s description of “...genius level record management in the tradition of Dr Dre”(Connor, 2) is not an exaggeration. The bpm change reflects Kendrick’s state in each song. “Wesley’s Theory” begins the album with a whirlwind ride to money and success with a fast beat and and a blasé attitude. By the echo, Kendrick has hit bottom and his life is crawling through the mud at a snails pace, prolonging his inner conflict and misery. “Alright” has the blurriest line between Kendrick as himself and Kendrick as the silhouette stand in for his people. Although the hook is positive and uplifting, the lyrics have weight and imply that Kendrick’s problems are also the problems of black individuals and the black community as a whole. The hook tells us that “We gon‘ be alright,” yet he describes his hope and his faith failing in times of deepest struggle, leaving the listener feeling (what a shock) conflicted.

! “The Blacker the Berry” is the summation of Kendrick’s struggle throughout the rest of the record; pitting racism against the existing problems perpetuated in the black community, resulting in an inconclusive conversation. This track is easily the most mind- bending and certainly the hard-hitting thesis of the record. Kendrick begins by claiming to be the “biggest hypocrite of 2015” in a mantra that gains weight as the song progresses. With the first verse confronting the white population and police brutality shattering the black community, the weight of the line “You made me a killer,” seems

obvious and, although striking, not extremely unique. As the track progresses, Kendrick accuses The Music Industry of making him a killer. Finally, Kendrick aims his accusations at his black brothers; gangbangers and thieves. If that wasn’t enough, the tracks introduction states “sometimes I get off watchin' you die in vain,” referring to his people. Although this could be the product of internalized racism, or Kendrick’s roots in the Blood/Crip war, nonetheless, it’s taking a stance that is not seen in conscious rap. Kendrick is facing that there is not one reason for violence or racism and therefore the problem can’t be fixed in any simple manner; certainly not one he holds the answer to. So who really made Kendrick a killer? Who made killers of any black man? As a representation, summation, and thesis of the rest of the album, Kendrick is having a conversation about where violence starts and presenting many possible options. They all repeat the same mantras, making them all equal and not singling any one out as more or less valid. In the end there is no clear resolution; just the statement of a problem and an intellectual presentation of thought. “The Blacker the Berry” states that many people and many groups are responsible for the perpetuation of racism, violence, and stereotypes, without attempting to “fix” the situation or even place blame as conscious rap is wont to do. When all of these things are called out, it is no longer about pointing a finger and starting a lynch mob. It becomes a critical reflection and the seed of a conversation. The running theme of the album persists as Kendrick becomes the echo of the black community and his inner conflicts become the conflicts within his community.

! As the album closes, Kendrick’s personal struggle is completely conveyed in a masterful comparison of himself to Tupac Shakur. His journey is not tied up in a neat

bow and the entirety of the album is left open-ended. We are not told explicitly “Kendrick will/will not meet the same end as Tupac,” but left to ponder and discuss. In the same way, we follow Kendrick’s reflection of the black community to its close without resolution. Many believe that “Underneath the tragedy and adversity, To Pimp a Butterfly is a celebration of the audacity to wake up each morning to try to be better, knowing it could all end in a second, for no reason at all,”(Jenkins, 3) and although that is a fair assessment of the album; trying to wrap up a record as complex and nuanced as To Pimp a Butterfly in a neat bow of optimism like that doesn’t do it any justice. TPaB would be nothing without its unending conflict and roller coaster of ups and downs. This blend of conflict and pain is our heart line direct to Kendrick’s soul as his confessional develops and our uniting point as a community under the problems he presents. As The World’s Busiest Music Nerd stated, “[Kendrick’s] not telling us what to think... [he’s] contradicting himself”(Fantano, 11:08). This inability to take a stand (among other explicit sexual and violent gangster themes) is ultimately what disqualifies To Pimp a Butterfly from the conscious spectrum. If the album was anything but what it is, we as the listener would not be able to discuss how we address the problems presented. The album would lose all intrigue and conversation if we were left with a solid resolution. To Pimp a Butterfly is a 78 minute conversation, to create a century’s conversation.

Sources Sited

Theneedledrop, and Anthony Fantano. "Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp A Butterfly ALBUM REVIEW." YouTube. YouTube, 18 Mar. 2015. Web. 14 Apr. 2016.

An in-depth analysis of the formal elements of “To Pimp a Butterfly”. A moment I found really compelling was just around 11:18 when Fantano talks about the conflicted nature of the album. Alludes to Kendrick making a conscious album, but pays very close attention to the music beneath the flows and how it compels the message. The rare 10/10.

Connor, Martin. "Kendrick Lamar: Rap Music Analysis." The Composer's Corner. Blogspot, 24 July 2015. Web. 14 Apr. 2016.

Connor analyzes Lamar’s production unity despite multiple producers. He hails this foresight into record management as genius level: on par with Dr Dre’s production insight and Jay-Z’s ear for album unity. Connor goes on to compare the seeding of musical ideas across tracks to classical compositions. He uses the example of an echoing verse with identical musical rhythms; despite the bpm change across tracks (56bpm on “Alright” and 112bpm on “Wesley’s Theory”

Jenkins, Craig. "To Pimp a Butterfly." Kendrick Lamar: Album Review. Pitchfork Publications, 19 Mar. 2015. Web. 21 Apr. 2016.

“Underneath the tragedy and adversity, To Pimp a Butterfly is a celebration of the audacity to wake up each morning to try to be better, knowing it could all end in a second, for no reason at all.”

Business, Music. "Kendrick's Deeper Story." Vigilant Citizen. The Vigilant Citizen, 27 Nov. 2015. Web