#the way i am totally okay and happy with myself until i am forced to interact with my relatives says a lot

[natasha-in-space]

The next time someone is going to tell me that my twenties are supposed to be the best time in my life and that I shouldn't waste them, I will simultaneously explode actually.

[luveternals]

paring: steven grant x male reader. cw: mentioned failed attempted ambush on the reader, blood, over-protective steven. a/n: hmm, not entirely satisfied with this but can't figure out why. help. ~ ~ ~

“You’re bleeding— why are you bleeding?”

This is not how you’ve pictured this meeting to go; not the best first impression.

Except, does it still count as such if it’s one sided?

It’s a strange thought but, as you’ve come to learn, if you force it not everything will make sense when Steven Grant is involved.

His hands are trembling, but they’re so gentle as he makes you sit on his bed and focuses on cleaning the wound on your arm, “what happened? Are you okay— I can see he’s bleeding, I’m helping him clean it off right now, aren’t I?”

It used to catch you off guard at first, when he’d start talking with soneone who, for you, wasn’t there. It took a while to stop squinting at him in confusion, trying to figure out how his words connected with the rest of the discussion he was having with you not a moment before. But now, you just look at him with curiosity as he mutters and huffs at someone you can’t see but know is there.

You came to his flat for a reason, actually. You were going to cook dinner together, eat, watch a movie maybe, and finally he would introduce the others to you. Steven had told you quite a bit about them since you’ve figured there was more than one soul sharing rent in his body. You remember the hesitation painted over his features as you asked to meet them.

You watch the frown deepen as he falls silent and cleans away the table. He glances at you for the shortest moment, before he’s back at pouting,

Whatever the others are telling him, he doesn’t appear happy about it.

You know what they are and what they do for a living, so it doesn’t take a genius to figure what the problem is. You lean forward, grab him by the hips and make him sit on your lap. “First of all,” you say, “if they’re trying to guilt trip you into making me walk away so you can keep me safe, they don't know what they're talking about. Because I might not have superpowers, darling, but I'm not totally useless.”

"You're not," Steven says, and you know the now turned-offended frown is directed at you personally now.

You laugh and pull him in for a quick, sweet kiss to the lips. “So precious. I meant that I know how to defend myself and how to steer clear of the fights I know I can't win.”

Still not looking convinced but feeling way less tense, he lets his attention fall to your injury and rests his hand on your arm, making sure not to go anywhere too near the wound. “Can you tell me what happened to you?” he says with the softest voice.

You pull him impossibly closer and rest your chin on top of his head. “They... found me in an alley on my way here,” he tenses again, and you give a reassuring squeeze to your grip around him until he relaxes again. “It’s okay, sweet thing, I’m here.”

-

The 'dinner, movie, meeting the moon family' night goes as planned. Though, the last one turns out more awkward than any of you was prepared for.

Your wound healed, and the accident isn’t brought up again. You can feel they haven’t forgotten about it, but no word is spoken regarding the topic, so you leave them be.

Steven doesn't get over it though, not completely. He just turns clingy, really. He does his best to check on you and make sure you're okay. He even gets Marc to join his little mission.

You can only sigh at his behavior, then smile amused because he gets so cute when he's worried about you.

“Steven,” you let out a laugh, though more in exasperation than anything else, “I really don’t need you to be a mother hen. Really.”

He stares at you, shocked. “I’m not being one!” he says, then, “it— No, I really am not, Marc. I just—”

You cup his face with your hands on his cheeks, plant a sloppy kiss square on his lips and pull back with a grin. “How about going to work before we’re both late, hmm?”

He does as he's told and goes. And you don't see him for the rest of the day. Not until later. When he finds you lying on the floor of his flat and you grimace at him when you catch his eyes.

“I swear, it's not that bad.”

It takes Steven way longer to clean off all the blood this time.

You lay on his bed, bandages tied neatly around your waist. “Sorry about the stain,” you say to the ceiling.

“Are you bloody seriouos right now?" Steven stomps his way to you and bend forward to stare down at you, his arms on his hips and gaze burning, ”you will tell me what happened or I'll tie you up and make you say it myself.”

“Kinky,” you say with a grin that you wipe off your face when you see his expression. “Not the moment, got it.”

This was a topic you'd planned to talk about during your first meeting with the other moon knights. One you haven't had the courage to bring up after seeing Steven's reaction when he saw you dripping blood at his door that first night. You've come to really cherish him, and didn't want to ruin the beautiful bond that had formed between the two of you. Still, you knew this discussion would have come to the surface eventually.

"I'll tell you," you say and turn your head to meet his eyes again. "But you have to promise me that you'll let me explain first."

He raises his eyebrows in surprise and confusion, "why wouldn't I? I mean, sorry, yes. I promise. Of course I do, but that was an odd way to put it."

You know his home, not quite as the back of your hand, but enough to make your way around it with ease. You've tried to study the place better but you could feel eyes studying you in turn, behind the gentle, loving gaze Steven always directed your way.

"I told you I'm not completely defenceless," you groan when move to stand, gently wavy Steven off as he tries to reach forward and shove you back into bed. "What I haven't told you is that I'm more familiar with fighting than a normal person is."

"What? Like a wrestler? Or did you take karate lesson—"

"I'm a mercenary, Steven," you turn to look at him and jerk to the side, blood darkens your bandages as the abrupt movement pulls at your wound. A blade whistles past your head and stabs into the wood of the library behind you.

"Are you mad?" Steven stops the next attack by taking control of the other arm. "what are you doing?"

It's a little ridiculous to witness a body fight itself, and you make sure not to comment on it while you watch them settle the argument.

Honestly, this was more like the reaction you expected and prepared for. Though, you did imagine it with you not bleeding onto the floor, especially not before the truth came out to begin with.

You don't like to be at a disadvantage so early in a fight and are beginning to regret your snap decision to come here after the ambush. But your attackers did catch you by surprise this time despite your experience, and Steven was the only person who you trust to help in such a dire moment of need.

The other moon knights are a whole another story, but you know steven is strong enough to keep them from adding another scar to your collection.

"Everyone, calm the ef down and let him explain!" steven shouts in exasperation. "If he wanted to hurt us he wouldn't have come here to bleed on our floor, come on."

Yes, thank you, you dare think, and tense the moment you find them staring at you, with their arms crossed over their chest. It's one body only, and still you can feel the intensity of their posture and gaze multiplied by three.

"Should I have started with 'I came to you because they put a bounty on my head and now I'm being hunted down by creatures no one else can see'?"

~ ~ ~ reblog, comment and/or follow if you like what I write. please and thank you. without feedback I don't have a reason for keeping this blog alive, since I created it so I can practice my writing.

[purrplegyuu]

Cold | Choi Beomgyu

Index

Chapter three

Warnings: unhappiness, slightly angst, soft beomgyu, abusive mother, swearing. omg the softest chapter eveeer

Word count: 1.4k

Taglist: @arianap23e, @haatohwa

I don't know why is it soooo soft, I don't like it ughhh. Like this is a dark story. Anyways, the following chapters are gonna be waaaay darker (i mean i hope). I kinda like soft Beommie tho...

Let me know if you find any kind of mistake, i'm not a native speaker and this helps me so so so much ^_^

Also let me know if you want to be added to the tag list, if you want to suggest an event to happen on next chapters or if you have any question about any detail. Luv yaa (●'◡'●)

I’m not happy. I know that. I know I will never go to school with a bright smile on my face like Jiwoo, because unlike her, I don’t have anything that makes me enjoy sitting on an uncomfortable chair for hours, looking at the professors as if I am paying attention, and talk kindly to my classmates as if I don’t hate them so much.

I even started to believe happiness is a vile lie American series have shown to us.

However, lately, these bad feelings have been increasing. And dad knows that.

That’s why he came home early on a saturday night and announced that we were going on vacation to that pretty house on a lake that his mother left him as an inheritance. 

“You okay guys?” He asks while driving, looking at me through the mirror. I smile slightly at him, nodding. “Gyu, I heard you got really good grades again. Bet your mother is really really proud” Beomgyu looks at him back, quiet, and totally ignores him. 

The awkward aura all over the car now, as dad looks at Beomgyu’s mother, scared of making his relationship even worse. He has tried thousands of ways to get along with Beomgyu, but the boy sitting by my side never really cared.

Once we arrive, dad gets out of his car, stretching his back. I look at Beomgyu. He really hates my father. At least that’s what it looks like—he gets even darker when our parents are close to him, doesn’t even smirk at any kind of jokes and doesn’t say a single word until they are far away again. 

But today, he looks even more dark than usual, which makes me feel a bit scared.

I get out of the car when he does. I see his mother running towards my dad in order to enter the house with him. 

We both stand in front of the house quietly, looking at the way our parents play like kids with their luggage as they take it in the house. They really look like a young couple. However, I find it a bit weird, but I guess it is just because I never liked her.

I look around. There are so many memories from my childhood—the garden full of flowers I planted when I was five, the rustic oven I used to make pizza in when I was eight, the lake where I learned how to swim when I was nine. But everything looks just too old and dirty—it’s been seven years since the last time we came here, it’s been seven years since the last time I enjoyed being in such a place… it’s been seven years since I last saw her.

I walk through the trees until I have reached a certain place. A small dock made of old wood, mouldy and poorly stable. Hundreds of drawings all over one of the wood tiles—’Jeongseo’ on top of everything, followed by ‘Namhyuk’ and ‘Dami’.

I really miss those times.

By 6 p. m., dad calls me to the big dock in front of our house. 

“Gaeum, honey, could you please go get the meat?” Beomgyu’s mom smiles at him, and makes a disgusted face when she turns around. Dad’s on the white boat his father used to drive right before dying three years ago. Everything I can think about when I see it, is him swearing he will never use it again because it was his dad’s, not his.

“We’re taking Luna on an expedition” he says. I can see the happiness on his face. Luna is the name grandpa gave his boat. “Remember when we used to go to the other side of the lake?” I nod. “Well, we are going to go there to take the dinner tonight” a big smile on his face makes me force myself to smile although I’m not happy or excited. 

“I will go get a sweater”

When I get in the house, I don’t see Gaeum in the kitchen, which I found a bit weird, but don’t really pay attention to it. I go to my room, take a pink sweater and try it on in front of the mirror. I’m wearing a long-sleeved dark shirt which is supposed to cover me up enough to make me feel warm, however, the short jean skirt makes it hard for me to get warm. Even with a big coat, and in the house, I’m trembling.

However, I get out of my room, holding a white blanket, and stop walking when I hear some noises in Beomgyu’s room. The door is closed, so I cannot see anything, but I don’t also see any light under the door, even though it’s 6:30 p. m., and it’s very dark already. 

“Don’t be fucking dumb” Gaeum’s voice sounding so different—meaner, unlike her usual fake sweet voice tone. “Could you please think a bit? Ha, you’re almost an adult, why would I have to ask you to not be so dumb?” The door of my room closes strongly due to the air running through my open window, which makes me jump, touching my chest. No more sounds in the room makes me feel scared someone can catch me, so I walk back to the door.

Gaeum gets out of Beomgyu’s room, and I look at her, trying to look as natural as possible, holding tightly my blanket, faking a blank face to her like I didn’t hear anything. 

“What?” I ask when she keeps looking at me. I even impress myself with my almost perfect acting. 

“Are you ready? I’m asking Beomgyu if he is also ready” I look in his room. He’s not visible from outside, so I just nod to her, going down once again.

Some minutes after that, Gaeum gets on the boat, giving dad the things he asked for and his coat. Beomgyu walks behind her, blank face as always, and doesn’t look at dad, just gets in the boat and sits by my side. 

Dad knows perfectly how to drive the boat, so he does it while we all try to warm ourselves with our coats.

The place we and Beomgyu are sitting is lower than the place our parents are at, so they can’t see us unless they go down.

That’s why he puts his hand on my thigh, caressing it as we’re alone over there. I look at him, looking at the lake deeply. His soft hair moving with the air, his face even prettier than ever, flawless skin, and some red marks on his cheeks like he has just cried. 

“You don’t seem that happy” he says, still looking at the lake. 

“I never look happy” I say, jokingly. Spending so much time with Jiwoo has started to affect me. But he doesn’t laugh. The silence makes me want to be sincere with him. Guess he has this effect on me. “I don’t really like here” He turns around to look at me, almost surprised at my words. It’s a pretty and almost paradisiacal place. Why wouldn’t I like it? “Everything I can think about when I’m here is her… the last time I saw mom” 

We stay silent for a few minutes, weirdly enjoying each other’s company. 

Then, he talks once again. “I know you listened” his husky voice should make me feel scared, however, his hands touching me so softly, his head against mine, his arm around me, his body warming me up… I can’t be scared even if he says he will kill me after that.  And I wonder if that kind of scenes are the reason I love him so much even when he treats me so wrong most of the time. Maybe I don’t love him, maybe I just love the way he treats me so wrong, but sometimes, he acts like he loves me back.

I don’t try to deny it. He knows me well. The voice tone he used isn’t even doubtful. He knows I listened.

“Don’t want to know why was she so mad?” Weirdly, everytime he doesn’t use pet names, it’s just because he’s treating me well. 

I look at him quietly. I find it a bit acted the way he fakes peace, like it doesn’t really bother him. His eyes a bit red, like his nose and cheeks. 

“She found out I’m fucking someone” He flashes a bit more than usual. “, and scolded me for not using condom” His eyes shiny, and can feel like he’s being forced or something like that. However, I don’t say anything.

I never say anything. 

[corujalesbica]

Why would you wear black to a wedding

A wenclair story!

Chapter 2 ➡️

Enid was absolutely and utterly fucked. Screwed. Really, at her worse moment. She looked out the window, her eyes glaring the falling rain. If she managed to pack her things fast enough, she thought, maybe she could run away when the rain ceased. Live in the mountains, away from everyone and everything. With only mother nature and sadness as her company. Forever forced to hide and...

"Tá la la lã" Her buzzing phone got her out of her family issues induced anxiety spiral. It was on her bed, the screen shinning in bright blue in the dark room.

Yoko, my beautiful bestie

Yo you guys wanna come over and watch a movie or smt

Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

Depends. I refuse to watch any more of enids sad ass homo rom coms

Upon reading that, Enid threw herself in her old bed, reaching for her phone.

You

Hey!!! My rom coms aren't sad!

Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

Yes they are. If I have to watch 1 more scene with kissing people in the rain Ill throw myself off a cliff.

Yoko, my beautiful bestie

It's fine babes, we can watch a horror movie.

How could Yoko betray her like that ? Where was the friends before partners unspoken rule ?

You

I AM NOT watching a freaking horror movie. I'll have nightmares for weeks!!!

Yoko, my beautiful bestie

We can watch the Fear street trilogy. It has gays in it and shit.

You

You're just taking Biancas side because she's ur gf that is soooooo unfair

Yoko , my beautiful bestie

No, I'm taking her side cause u made us watch crush with you 7 times and I liked it at first but now my experience is ruined because I know all the freaking lines

You

........

Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

Enid ?

You

OKAY THEN we'll watch fear street or whatvs

Enid sighted, letting go off her phone. It was nice to be back home, thought third wheeling wasn't exactly her favorite thing to do. She looked around, and some of her old plushies looked back. Being in San Francisco felt... Different, this time. Maybe it was because of her brothers wedding this summer. And just maybe, it was because she herself was a bit different.

One way or the other, she was happy to get a break from college, to be back from Colorado. Her room there was boring as fuck, with its gray walls and metal desk. This, was much better. Someone knocked on the door, and Enid suddenly remembered why her gray room in Colorado felt as freeing as it was ugly. Her mom stepped in without waiting for permission.

" Enid. Dear"

" Yes, mom ?" The girl reluctantly looked her mother's way, shifting position so they were facing each other.

" When will we met your lovely - totally real - partner ? It must be before your brothers and Daysis wedding. You know, dearest, a werewolf needs a partner! Someone to take care of you in full moon nights, and someone to protect when you're- "

" -when I'm old and alone and hated by humans. I know mom. I told you already, youll met her soon enought! She can't get here before Dave's wedding, she has finals... "

"Well, she must find a way! I will not settle for meeting such a person only at the wedding! And if you're lying to me Enid, you will regret it" she step closer, her browns furrowed, her mouth downward in an expression Enid knew all too well. She shrieked on instintic. "You have three days to bring her here or else you're dumping her and going to the ceremony with Samantha Diologious daughter, Celine. And that's final."

The older woman left then, and Enid held her breath until she couldn't hear her mother's steps anymore.

You see, Enid needed a partner for her brothers Dave, wedding, and her love life wasn't exactly going well. Her last girlfriend dumped her after cheating, and broke her delicate heart in a million pieces. Since then she had gone on multiple dates with her mothers warnings in mind, but none of them wanted to go to a strangers wedding nor did they want to see her again after she asked.

She had even got as desperate as to ask Yoko to pretend a break up with Bianca and be her fake date but her girlfriend wasn't the fondest of that idea. With a sight Enid asked herself how the actual fuck she would get a date willing to go with her to the ceremony in three days. Because there was no way she was going with Celine Diologious. Celine was a self centered, cruel person who would always kiss Enid against her will when her mother forced her to go on dates with the girl. Enid protests and complains about harassment were useless, which of course had nothing to deal with the fact that the Diologious were rich, and prestigious among the werewolf community.

Maybe some miracle would happen and Enid would end up with a beautiful, nice girl in her arms just in time to not have to expose her lies to her mother, who had almost made her phone stop working with all the messages she sent before Enid invented this fake girl. Maybe everything would work out.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

It was late at night, Bianca and Yoko asleep beside her, while Enid scrolled mindlessly through her Instagram. The movie wasn't as bad as she thought was gonna be, though she was sure that had more to do with the fact that she gat gotten used to the blood and the gore being a werewolf than with it not being scary.

She yawned, Yoko had a spare mattress in her room for nights like this, and at some point, she would have to wake up the cuddling girls beside her. The girl decided to get some water so she could take her medicine and be ready to sleep before waking her friends up. Yokos house was huge, but she was used to it. Her parents were probably out, always bloodthirsty vampires in the night. She respected that, thought it was easier dealing with Yoko, who got along with humans better for being a vegetarian.

There were piles and piles of books scattered around the house, when he wasn't sucking blood, her friends dad was a book worm. Even in the kitchen, books and notebooks full of Yokos moms notes filled the shelves you would usually see food in. As she filled a glass of water, Enid saw something shine in silver in the corner of her eye.

She kneeled beside it, a book with a black and silver cover thrown carelessly on the floor. She opened it, curiosity getting the best of her, and was met with words that started whispering to her, floating around her head and calling her name. The phrases told stories old and magical, and Enid lost track of time as she flipped through the pages. Countless spells were explained throughly, and she stopped as she found one that got her attention.

For the old and new, the sweet and bitter

To do the ritual, you have to be witter

Call the curse holder in desperate help

And in your aid, the witch will come

Enid had a terrible idea.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

You see, Yokos parents weren't really gonna miss the book. They had thousands of them, including dozens and dozens of witchcraft books, just like this one. She would return it in a few days anyways, but her brothers wadding was a day and a half away, and she was far beyond desperate.

The circle she drew in her rooms floor was adorned by lit candles and black roses. In the center, all kinds of offerings Enid could think of rested in a bowl, from candy bars to dead mouses (ew), because she had no idea what the witch would like, and the book wasn't all that specific on the ritual.

Finally, she sat on the floor and closed her eyes. Usually, Enid had a hard time remembering the information she read, but for some reason, the words for the spell were stuck in her head, repeating over and over again. She said the verses out loud three times as the clock struck midnight, too late for anyone in the house to hear her. The canddles went out, leaving her in complete darkness. For a whole minute, Enid breathed hard in slight disappointment but sweet relief, thinking the ritual didn't work. But as opened her eyes a dark figure stood in front of her.

The person wore all black and irradiated a cruel energy. Two dark eyes stared at her from the very center of her circle, looking like they were able to see into her very soul. She got up, her legs shaking, turned her phones flashlight up and before her...

Before her stood a petite girl with black hair. She had a braid resting in each of her shoulders and a notebook in her hands. Her face was delicate, beautiful sharp angles, and an expression that berayed no emotion. Enid calmed down then, not quite knowing where to start her request for the witch.

" Hum... I... I mean-"

"You have summoned me." The girls before her said. " I will therefore fulfill your wishes of revenge and blood"

"I don't want-"

"However," the girl interrupted her. "You must give me something in exchange for my services. What are you willing to give up on for this, Ms ?

"Sinclair. Enid Sinclair."

"Wednesday Addams"

They looked at each other, both a bit astonished.

"I gathered some stuff for you," Enid gestured awkwardly to her offerings. The girl looked her dead in the eyes and, without so much as blinking, caught a chocolate bar with gum flavored filling between the tip of her fingers. With the most disgust Enid had ever seen anyone show for anything, Wednesday put the candy bar in front of her face. " This ?"

"Yeah ?" The werewolf paused, not knowing what to do. "There's also some dead mouses if you'd like". The Addams girl sighed in exasperation, and rolled her eyes.

"I have been holding the family's curse for three years now, since turning eighteen. And not once in those 1095 days has such a moron summoned me. What do you want, disgustingly pink girl ?"

Enid wanted to be offended, she really did. She was whoever, wearing her most neon pajamas in that moment, pink panthers silly face painted with glitter in her shirt. Also, she was really, really desperate and not at all, wanting to have to deal with her mom.

"Look" she says, sitting down, too tired to care what the witch would think of her "I need a date for my brother's wedding. It is crucial I bring someone, and I was kinda hoping whoever I summoned could help me find a person my age to go with me. But, oh well, to my very surprise you are the one I summoned and also a person my age so maybe you could go with me? Do you want some of my blood in exchange for it ? Or maybe teeth ? I've heard if you mix dust made from a werewolf's teeth with fairy hair you can grow plants faster or something…" She shut up then, a finger on her tin and the knowledge she had been talking for way too long doing lops inside her head. Her eyelids were heavy, she just wanted to go to sleep.

"You want… A date ?" The Wednesday girl looked more than disgusted now, almost like she would prefer to wear Enid's pink panther pj's. She furrowed her brows, in an expression Enid thought she wouldn't be able to decipher even if she was fairly awake.

"Okay." The witch said. "I'll be your date to the wedding. This relationship is purely professional, however. And I have several ground rules. And I'll need you to-"

Before she could finish it, Enid had gotten up, wide eyed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" She smiled, a weight she hadn't know she'd been caring suddenly lifted from her shoulders. "Oh my God, can I hug you ? Would that be OK? It's alright if it's not, but really, thank you!"

"You may not hug me" The girl took a step back "And I'll only attend the wedding on the condition you come with me to the Addams family reunion in two months. I need a partner for the blood ritual."

"Of course! Is that your only condition ?"

Wednesday took a second to think to herself. "Yes" she said carefully. "Do we have a deal ?" She extended her hand, and Enid shook it, delicate but strong fingers with black nails meeting her rough ones. " Yes we, do , Ms Addams" she said cheerfully.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

This was supposed to be a one shot...

I'll link chapter 2 when it's up

[transfem-tomboy-oni]

I feel like I should jjust give up on all my "good" qualities and stop trying to be a "good person" and fighting sgainst all my bad qualities. I. I start to feel like there's nothing good coming of it for me, and not enough good for anyone else to actually keep bothering with me.

I feel like the positive things I get told the most is that I'm nice, and that I'm beautiful.

But. Apparently I'm not enough of either for people to... stick around.

I don't know. Even now I don't know what to write. Cuz it might might people unhappy. But.

Maybe I'll try to let what I feel out, for just this once;

I do my fucking hardest, successfully too most of the time, to make people happy, to help them, to make them feel comfortable around me. Cuz all my life no ones ever done that for me. In school people gave no two shits about me, unless it was to make fun of me or get their homework done easier. FOR 9 DAMNED YEARS. Then I switched schools. I guess I had friends. Friends that, as soon as they were not forced to be in the same classroom as me either cut contact or essentially bullied me online. Since then I haven't made friends in person. My own mom has been there for me. As in. Provided for food, entertainment and ignoring my existence otherwise. I got hugged by her for the first time I can remember when I tried offing myself and telling her that I thought I wasn't worth anything and she didn't love me. She graced herself to hug me long enough so I stopped crying and then pushed me away and went back to watching TV alone telling me to go cuz SHE NEEDS A MOMENT. My dad is just inept. Nice. Trying his best. I guess. I used to see him once every 2 weeks, and we talked like 2 hours maybe, where he left me completely to myself otherwise. The person I had contact and an actual "friendship" with the longest eventually started using that friendship and manipulating and breaking apart my entire friend group to just fucking use me as his damned sex toy whenever he felt like it. And I didn't realize for what? 8 or more damned years. That friend group is now so splintered and fucked that I don't even know what the fuck to do about it. Do I still want them? Do they still want me? Pretty sure they don't enjoy me around anymore tbh. Newest friends I made are from therapy or from tumblr, and it's like 5 people in total, 1 if which I haven't talked to in 2 months as I assume she doesn't give a shit about me anymore, at least not that I could tell. And I still really really damned like her but I wish I fucking didn't cuz it's fucking tearing me apart. I suppose I got used to her being there for me and when she wasn't when I was at 2 of my absolute lowest points my mind just broke or something idk. 2 of them I met in therapy and one of them is nice but doesn't have time, which is okay but also annoying to be honest, but it's not her fault I suppose, and the other ignores me whenever she can. The newest 2 ppls I met are nice but I feel like they either are scared of me, I guess at this point rightfully so or don't actually care.

I keep saying that I'm not super likeable when you stick around me for too long and everyone always tells me they don't think so but somehow the only people that seem to have sticked around for years either did cuz they had no choice or in one case because they didn't actually like me and just enjoyed my body.

So. My honest feelings, no one actually cares about making me happy. I want to be treated the way I try my hardest to treat everyone else. I. I'm tired of having and making friends. I can't bear it. I can't bear being alone either. I have been for too long. I. I want this to end, not my life, just this this this dambed conflict of everything. I feel such conflicting things. I'm trying my hardest to make things right for everyone. And I feel like I am not getting enough back to even keep me going until 30.

Love is conditional. And I don't think I am capable of meeting these conditions. Besides all my hatred for how I'm being treated. I still only blame one person. Myself. For just not being good enough.

I wasn't wanted in this world. I was conceived on accident. And I feel that in the way my mother treats me.

But I hoped that maybe someone else doesn't.

Maybe I'll be able to hold on long enough until I can find someone that does want me. Maybe.

I hold so much hope. For such a hopeless person. Such a hopeless world. I wish I could give up.

[thedoggiestdog]

thinking about hucow transformation~

(inspired by an ao3 fic) i’m running out of money to spend but when i look at my phone i see an ad, it reads “low on funds? come down to farmer ted’s barn! pays $10,000 in CASH DAILY!!!” now, i’m too dumb to think about the consequences or even how this could be fake, i mean the farm is only 30 minutes away!

once i get there they ask me to fill out some paperwork but of course i don’t read it, why would i! (little did i know it was a contract stating i consented to anything and everything that’ll happen! that way if my friend and family called law enforcement to find me, they would find out im just a greedy little slut who just signed away the rest of my life to be a fat milk filled cow!)

now that paperwork has been filled out they take me to a private room, looks kind of like a doctors office? ‘hmm….this is a bit strange for a farm’ i think but then a man in a white coat comes in! he gives me a pill to swallow, not telling me what it’s for and when i’m not looking administers a shot that knocks me somewhat unconscious. i can feel everything but im so sleepy i cant move, all my limbs feel so heavy! my mind tells me to panic but im so sleepy i cant…wait…fuck…why am i so wet??? my cunt is THROBBING and just BEGGING to be filled! w-what?? i feel something pushing agaisnt my skin right above my tailbone from the inside, is that- no it can’t be…(it infact was a pretty little fluffy cow tail emerging from her back) ouch! my head hurts so bad!! like there’s something splitting my skull!! they’re so pointy, almost like…HORNS??? and my tits are feeling so full all of a sudden, almost like i need to be milked? this is so weird, im not pregnant! why would i feel like this! what is happening to me!! more importantly, why do i feel so good

“w-w-whatsssss h-ha-happening to m-me?” i ask the man in the white coat. “shh don’t worry about it Daisy, soon you’ll be the prettiest, FATTEST, cow we got! god, i can’t wait to see how big you get when big ben fucks you full of his seed, forcing you to carry his calf’s. shh don’t worry that pretty little head of yours momma, everything will be alright pretty girl~”

i groan lowly from the pain and pleasure of everything that’s happening, feeling myself get wetter and needier by the second. i’m on all fours now, the man petting my head and whispering about everything that’s going to happen to me, saying that i’m gonna get so big and round. my body’s starting to sag with how full my UDDERS tits are using a gloved hand he starts to remove my clothing, two tiny milk stained patches form on my shirt and my pants and panties are soaked from how wet i am. i’m so out of it i don’t even register that im fully naked until i feel something in my swollen and enlarged clit

“shhhh it’s okay daisy, everything’s alright now darling, easy now. we’re gonna take gooooood care of you. you’re leaking already! good job pretty girl! most cows don’t produce until the end of the first week, you already got a little bit goin' there now! god, farmer ted’s gonna be so happy and pleased with you now!” he tells me he needs to do an inspection but i’m too gone to even register what’s happening, i let out a low moo groan when i feel his thick gloved hand on my clit

he begins his inspection by measuring how big my clit is, saying is .5 centimeters bigger than it was when we started and how that’s totally normal! hes so proud of me and his praise makes me so happy! embarrassed and humiliated!! why is my tail wagging why am i enjoying this? what’s happening to me?? without warning i suddenly feel him push two fingers into my sopping cunt, i let out another moo moan at the shear size of his fingers. he states that im now open and wet enough for the plug! “wh-what plug??”

he begins to work in the large dildo plug with a knotted base, stating that it’s an exact replica of big ben’s bullcock (same as for women, men can be turned into bulls here, kept only for the sole purpose of breeding hucows, big ben just happens to be the biggest and most fertile bull they have!) he makes it about half way when i let out a series of whines and moans, not even hiding my pleasure anymore. my udders tits are just so full of milk i’m now hunched over, tiny little beads of milk spurting from my nipples. (when aroused hucows tend to produce more milk!) my tiny frame can’t even hold me up anymore. the man notices this, saying that once im all big and round i wont ever have to deal with this problem again.

he continues working the fat silicone bullcock into my tight little hucow cunt, petting my hair and trying his hardest not to get wacked in the face by my rapidly swishing tail. he announces that now it’s the hard part- getting the knot in. “shhh it’s okay girl, we’re gonna get you through this knot and you’ll be a happy happy cow, isn’t that right girl! god you’re such a beaut! i can’t wait to show you off at the fair! you’re gonna make us so rich Dais!” i start moaning and mooing in a mix of pleasure and pain when he starts working the knot into me, he’s trying his hardest to calm me down by whispering and shushing me, but noticed how swollen my clit is. he knows he’s not usually supposed to do this but he can on *special* occasions. he realizes how scared i am of the knot and with his free gloved hand begins rubbing my clit while working in the knot, making me arch my back insanely deep, opening up and accepting the knot.

i’m instantly cumming, taking the knot like the good little cow i am. he’s praising me for doing such a good job, being such a good girl and saying how beautiful i am. i’m so fucked out and still out of it from the drugs he gave me that i don’t even notice when he slips a lubed up finger into my ass, prepping me for the silver metal size 1 buttplug.

“shhh it’s okay girl, we need you allll filled up and ready for when it’s big ben’s turn to have his way with you, sh sh sh sh, i know it hurts momma, but you’ll be okay girl, you can take it. you’re almost there baby girl” he’s about halfway through getting the metal plug with a pink rhinestone through my tiny tight hole when i let out the loudest most humiliating sound of my life.

“enghhh~ ahh! MOOOOOOOOO”

he chuckles when he notices how my body tenses at the sound that just came out of me. “ha, now ain’t that a pretty noise darlin! just wait until big ben uses you! i wanna hear more of that!” once the plug is fully in, my greedy hole swallowing it like it’s nothing, i feel so insanely turned on and full.

the man takes off his gloves and before he gets a new pair, using his bare hand slaps me asscheek. using both hands he starts playing with my globes, saying how pretty and milky they are. they’ve gotten bigger since i got here, that mystery drug making me bigger there as well as my hips and thighs, making me all soft and pliable, my hard muscle turning into nothing but soft pliable fat.

he brings around a tray with supplies, administers another shot which is supposed to numb me of any feeling including pain. he slips on his new gloves and sterilizes something gold on the tray but i can’t see what it is, too gone to feel or notice anything. i can’t see or feel it but he’s just pierced my septum and added a gold ring, saying how i look so beautiful like this. he massages my belly and he and i can both feel the giant bulge in the pit of my womb. the 18 inch bullcock so impossibly deep inside of me. he attaches a black leather collar with a gold cowbell on it, and wiggles it just to hear the jingle.

now, in his protocol, since he’s the farms head milker and cow trainer, he’s allowed to do pretty much whatever he wants that is in the name of improving the livestock. his bulge is painfully hard, so he wakes me up a little, not enough to be fully conscious but enough to have some function. he shoves his 9 inch dick into my warm, soft and wet mouth, making sure i take it to the base. i become more aware during this, panicking and groaning at the sudden force. “ahh- that’s it girl, nice and easy” he says, meanwhile i’m groaning around his member. thoughts of ‘this isn’t right, somethings wrong’ quickly being silenced and turned into ‘he feels so good, i’m so full, i love being full’. i’m so confused, this isn’t right so why does it feel so good? why am i enjoying this? is that my tail wagging?? did he just cum in my mouth? why does this feel so good? why do i want more…

he quickly puts his pants back on, his half hard dick haphazardly being shoved back into its confines. he dresses me in a cow print bikini, making sure to test my milk production before, i only was able to produce a few drops but that’s more than anyone is usually able to on the first day. “i guess you were just destined to be a cow dais!” why does he keep calling me daisy and why do i like it. why does it feel right

he hooks his arm in between my thighs and stomach to lift me off the table like he would a farm animal. he takes me to my stall/pen which is complete with a bed of hay, and two troughs. one with water, and one with something that’s reminiscent of what a cow would eat. i’m not an actual cow, what the fuck??

he sets me down gently on the hay, i’m too gone to respond to it. “great job girl, you did so good today. you’re really gonna make us all happy here. welcome to hucow farms Daisy.”

teehee hi guys this got longer than i intended it to, uhhhhhhh reblog and comment if you want more, i intend to make this into a little series :>

[neverluckygoldfish]

52 -

The past two months have felt like a blur, stuck in a vicious cycle of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, and so on.

It’s been really fucking tough. I’ve felt like a zombie. Sometimes it feels like this is all life is, a weary merry-go-round until we die.

But after falling down 800 times and still getting back up on that 801st try - I’m in a much better place.

And I’m not beating myself up about it. Shit happens, we fall down. Sometimes we fall down and stay down because we’re so fucking tired of having to get back up.

I watched a looootttt of movies with happy endings as a kid. I did a lot of things alone and I never really noticed how much that influenced my way of thinking and my approach to life. I guess that’s where I started to believe that I had to live two lives. Because who I really am - my family didn’t like. As a woman of color, of immigrant parents, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood - I never felt like I found my place. I didn’t belong at home and I definitely didn’t belong in the outside world.

So we take that first drink or the first hit to forget we feel that way inside. And we keep drinking and using to keep forgetting.

And it’s where I started to believe that one day everything will magically work out so I just have to keep holding on to be saved.

I’ve spent so much time ignoring my body that trying to be present in it now, as an adult, makes me feel like a fearful little kid. Anxiety feels scary because I never learned how to manage it.

Ignore all the problems until you’re almost 30 and have a bunch of substance abuse issues and no one to turn to because you can’t trust the people who were supposed to care for you.

I’m just so damn tired of caring. Caring what people think - am I being nice and kind and do they feel heard and god forbid any one ever thinks I have ill intentions….

So yeah, my attitude lately is to block out the noise & do whatever I want to do. Whatever I know is truly good for my soul.

So I started a weaving again and have made some yummy food and am getting in a lot of snuggles with my dog. Also I listen to new music and take in the sunset. I take a long bath and put on my expensive lotion that’s saved for a special occasion because every day is a special occasion now that I am CHOOSING to be alive.

I realized I like having little projects. So I’ve been assigning myself shit to try because I’m interested in it. And that’s enough of a reason for me.

Isn’t the whole point of life to experience? And when you boil it down to that core, what really separates us from each other if we are all in it for the experience?

Am I sounding crazy?? Because I‘be never felt more enlightened and grounded in my sense of things.

Holy shit, it all makes sense now.

Or maybe this is all just one psychotic episode waiting to break loose. Lol. Hopefully not.

I’ve decided I don’t need some big overarching life goal - that I’m totally fine with going with the flow. I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, forcing myself to think that way has actually cemented this “not good enough” belief.

Because when I think back as a kid and getting lost in the present - I was happy. I used to get lost in entertaining myself for hours. And the world (or my world) told me that was wrong. I wasn’t doing it correctly.

But I’m fine the way I am. You know? Like imagine if we could roll the tape back to before we ever started to hate ourselves or constantly try to “fix” our lives - how did we approach the world before everything was clouded by this inherent sense of “not good enough”.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that people don’t automatically think and know the worst parts of me and judge me by it.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that nobody really is that bothered by me. I’m feeling okay taking up my little space in the world.

I’m ready to care for that little girl who has felt so scared and uncomfortable all these years.

In some ways, I’ve never felt more free.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

You have no idea how happy you made me with "Stay the Night". Loki is so cunny and sly, I'm dead and Steve is just so....Steve hahaha I like how Loki somewhat got the upper hand and I hope he keeps getting the upper hand.

Maybe Loki forcing reader to go live with him instead coz she is his and no one, not even Steve, can take away what's his.

+ this ask: Roommate Steve vs BFF loki?? That is a rare pair and I love it more than I expected! Could totally imagine them glaring each other down, adore the oblivious reader!

Morning After

Part 1

Warnings: unwanted touching, noncon. Y'all know I do it dark and spicy. You have warnings, use them.

Oops, I added a side of roommate! Steve. Thots, comments, screaming, and feedback are welcome and highly encouraged. Thank you!

Steve places the coffee mug down in front of you. It’s tense, silent. Words unspoken, thoughts concealed. The night before trembles within, ready to erupt like a volcano but you won’t let it. You take a sip.

“You good?” Steve asks.

“Fine,” you answer stiffly, “just waking up.”

You glance at Loki as you lean your elbows on the table. He gives you a brief peek above his cell phone, thumb flicking across the screen. You rub your eyes and squeeze your thighs together. You feel his hand there still, hear his coaxing whispers; it’s okay, baby, I’m just taking care of you.

Since when did he feel this way? You’re friends. You laugh together, gossip even, and tell each other about your shit days. He’s not supposed to touch you like that.

“Sorry we don’t have much to choose from,” Steve sets the tall cup in front of Loki, “neither of us is very into tea.”

You sit back as their eyes meet. Each clench their jaws in a face off. Loki dips his chin slightly, “not at all, very much appreciated. The two of you keep such a warm home.”

“You didn’t find her plushies, did you?” Steve kids and you give him a look. He winces as he notices. “Well, guess I should head off before I put my other foot in my mouth.”

“Thanks, Steve,” you lower your gaze to the table and cradle the mug with your hands, “really.”

“Both our homes, don’t mind some company,” he shrugs, “just make sure you rinse the cups.”

“Thank you, Steven,” Loki enunciates tritely.

A low tisk bounces off Steve’s teeth as he checks his watch and sighs. “See ya,” he marches out and you take a well-needed draught of coffee.

Loki puts his phone down and twirls the spoon in his cup. You watch his fingers, recalling how they felt on your clit, playing you like a fiddle until you keened into his palm. Humiliation spatters on your scalp.

“What’s wrong with you two?” you huff.

“Nothing. I am cordial.”

“Loki,” you warn.

He rolls his eyes and glances away. You watch him, a task as you find it hard to look at him at all.

“You shouldn’t live here with him. It’s… improper.”

You scoff. His eyes flit back to you sharply.

“Improper? What about last night?”

His lips twitch, “last night?”

“Don’t do that.”

“You didn’t kick me out of bed,” he smirks.

“I didn’t invite you in, either.”

He sticks his tongue between his teeth, a guilty expression aimed at the table, “I couldn’t help myself. Perhaps I didn’t go about it the right away but I’ve made my feelings clear. Now we can… work through them. Together.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Not at all. I’m very serious about you. I’ve not put in three years for a place on your floor. To be a third party to him,” he peeks at the door sourly, “you cannot remain. You must come stay with me.”

“I’m not doing that and what happened last night can’t happen again.”

“You didn’t hate it–”

“I also didn’t ask for it,” you retort.

He huffs and his nostrils flare. He places his hand on the back of your chair and looks you in the face, “didn’t you? I come over, you’re getting out of the shower? You text me those photos of all your cute outfits. Oh, and not to mention all your gripes about needing a real man. Surely you’re not dumb enough to think it’s your ridiculous roommate.”

“This isn’t about Steve,” you gulp.

“No, it’s about us. About you. I can’t have you under his roof when you belong to me.”

“Excuse me? Belong to you?”

“Oh, yes, darling, since the day we met. You never wondered once why none of your dates ever called you back?”

You stare at him. Shocked. He wouldn’t. Well you also didn’t think he’d do what he did the night before. How well do you truly know your best friend, if that’s what he is.

[not-poignant]

Hey Pia!

I have sort of binged your stuff over the last two months! I love all of it, and the characters feel so detailed and easy to love. I ended up with some questions. I am sorry if these have been asked already.

1. In Fae-verse what would happen if Gwyn got out from Crielle early and left Efnisien with her and Lludd (kind of like the Feral!Gwyn Au). Would Efnisien ever get away like in Spoils? Would his heart song ever change? Is Fae-verse Efnisien sort of stuck with the family curse and unlikely to go through anything like he does in Spoils?

2. I think it said somewhere that Efnisien's true power in Fae verse was char, burning, that sort of thing. Is that in some way related to Olphix and his fire or is it different?

3. What kind of Fae would Arden be and his power/ heartsong?

4. What kind of Fae would Gary be and his power/ heartsong?

I appreciate it's quite a few questions so please don't feel like you need to answer any/all of them!

Thank you for writing :D

Hiya anon!

I'm glad you've been enjoying all the things, that makes me really happy. :D

Okay so for answering your questions:

Efnisien is born evil. There's no 'getting away' - he's worse than Crielle and he experiences genuine joy and happiness over that. He was evil as an infant, and he was never abused or harmed in any single way. It's impossible for fae Efnisien (in the canon) to go through anything like human Efnisien's growth journeys. He's a completely different being to me!

It's not connected to Olphix. :D All common fae are connected to a different elemental force. Gwyn's is light. Crielle's is dra'ocht. Efnisien's is fire/char.

No idea! But probably Unseelie. I've gotten this question a lot and I've never known. I think that's partly because if I ever by some miracle write him into the universe, I don't want to lock myself in to a fae type I just made up off the top of my head for an ask, and want to leave it extremely open. But I'm pretty sure he'd be Unseelie.

No idea! But also probably Unseelie, lol.

I don't really think things like 'how would they work in this world' until I actually have to sit down and write them. I think there's a part of my brain that likes to leave a lot of reserve space so I can be more creative. I've noticed that like, especially in the years past, I used to make up more answers or invent more answers on the spot, but then I'd feel like I was letting people down if I then went and did something totally different, and I'd also feel very restricted? So these days I do prioritise like, 'if this ever happens, I'd like to not have already put something in place if I don't know for sure.'

Gary could be Seelie too, tbh, I just vibe with him more as an Unseelie fae. That makes more sense to me. Arden has enough deep-seated sadism that I'm comfortable with him being a kind of fae that can feed off pain or anguish or similar, but not sure on the type at all. My brain just goes 'no' whenever I try and think about it lol

[oxidizedacidd]

okay rant time but BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY I AM TRANSGENDER AND THIS POST IS COMING FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A TRANS MAN. I AM NOT FORCING ANYONE TO AGREE WITH ME OR CHANGE THEIR HEADCANONS THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS BASED ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.

I really *really* think saying chihiro fujisaki is a trans woman is legitimately disrespectful and if anything harmful to actual trans women.

trans rep, ESPECIALLY transfem rep is outrageously hard to find done right or just to find at all. it's almost always stereotyped or gross or harmful and fetishy and I legitimately hate it, so I completely understand the headcanon people have for him but I think if you hc him as trans, trans*masc* would not only fit better but be far less disrespectful, let me explain.

the whole point/narrative of chapter 2 is toxic masculinity, and chihiro is unfortunately a victim of toxic masculinity. chihiro was harassed and bullied into dressing like a girl because he was born with a more feminine appearance, which as a trans man myself I completely understand the struggle of. saying someone is a trans woman because they were *forced* to dress and act like a girl so they wouldn't be bullied, hurt, ect is gross to me. it's implying trans women are forced to act that way, not for comfort in their own bodies but to fit the expectations of others. I'd totally get it if he had a more masculine appearance and was dressing like a woman and getting bullied for willingly choosing to express himself as a girl, but he isn't. he doesn't like it, he says so himself.

"where is it implied he doesn't like it and it makes him uncomfortable?" well unfortunately trigger happy havoc being trigger happy havoc very VERY briefly covers this topic and it blows ass but fortunately, we have danganronpa summer camp! I recently bought the game because I wanted to see all my sillies alive and well interacting with eachother, and each character has their own mini kind of story mode, so let's talk about chihiros.

chihiro has quite alot of very interesting cutscenes that give HEAVY transmasc implications, but the most notable one is at the end of his story mode he actually comes out to everyone that he is a boy and is ecstatic about it because he finally feels comfortable enough to be who he truly is. another scene that screams transmasc is a cutscene with mondo and tenko where tenko is bashing mondo but praising chihiro and calling him a girl endlessly and praising him for being a girl. this literally causes him to run off with mondo and start crying because of her calling him a girl so much, and he expresses genuine fear that tenko might hurt him if he came out as a boy.

would someone who is so comfortable with their identity literally start crying out of fear when they're being addressed in a way that's supposed to make them happy? why would they have to fear being hurt? I know exactly how he feels and it legitimately angers me a little bit because it took me years of living in fear to come out. everytime I got called a girl I felt like breaking down and crying because I never felt like I'd be strong enough or masculine enough to be perceived as a boy, exactly how he expresses his feelings.

hes constantly thanking mondo for helping him build up strength, and that because of him hes starting to feel alot better. there's two other scenes that really really push the transmasc hc for me. one being a scene where he bumps into fuyuhiko, who is going to the same secret training spot as him, and they both bond over not being able to be perceived as masculine and strong because of their small, not traditionally masculine appearances. the final one that really seals it for me is where mondo and chihiro are sitting in the hotsprings together just chatting alone, until masaru shows up. masaru sees chihiro, and starts yelling that "mondo brought a girl into the hotsprings!!!" which causes him to break down and cry. It makes him uncomfortable and insecure, not happy.

so again, to me, you can have any hc for any character you want and im not gonna cop you for calling chihiro a girl, so please do the same for me. do whatever you want. but to me, I see it as disrespectful and rude to trans women as I've seen posts of trans women also saying that they don't think it's appropriate to hc him that way and share similar thoughts that it's disrespectful to them.

do I believe chihiro is trans?? yes!! absolutely!! trans rep forever we NEED more of it in media!! but in this case I don't really see it as transfem rep, but transmasc rep.

thanks for coming to my ted talk, pls do not stab me hc him however you want.

[morgana-ren]

Would you ever just offer someone the commission of what you've already written? Like I'm sorry I can't finish it but you can have what I've done? Or is this bad etiquette??

I want to start commissions for writing but I my interests in fandoms fluctuates so much i worry I'll move on beofre i finish!!

Also sidenote if I ever get the funds to ask you to write something for me I would die happy if it ended up too long, unfinished or even messy like you said! You have no idea how exciting it is to find someone who's into the same shit you are and is willing to write about it!!

Thank you so much! Hopefully this can give you some strange insight into my weird brain. You can, but I try really hard not to. It sets a bad precedent in my head that it's okay to not finish them. Usually, I will just turn down a commission if I feel I can't finish it. That's just for me though, because I'm an idiot who will go "I've done it before! It'll be fine!" and then in my mind, I lose the mental pressure of having to finish it, which I actually need to finish it lmao. I don't like to give myself that out. I am honestly the exact same way. I have a hard time sitting down and focusing for days at a time to write, especially because I also have other hobbies like reading and video games that take up my time and sometimes, I have to force myself to write at all because I just don't want to. It totally depends on the client whether or not they're okay with it though! Some are totally cool with it, and others don't like it. Some people are really particular and want a very specific length by a certain time, and others basically throw the idea your way and go "I'll pay ya if you want to finish it." The more casual commissions are more preferred for me given my mental state. Truthfully, what I try to do is warn people upfront when they commission me that not only do I have a life outside of writing, but I'm also very, very unmedicated. The two of those things make iexceedingly difficult to finish things efficiently. One of the biggest issues is that I am extremeldisorganized, and the story gets away from me. For example: I have two current Astarion commissions I took on forever ago, and they are both like 13 pages now. I just go and go and go and then all the sudden it's overwhelming and I hate it and I don't think it's what they want, so I say I'll rewrite it, but I get so frustrated with myself that I just.. don't. A big issue personally is I actually don't like my writing. It feels like a scam to charge people for it. That weighs heavily on me when I am writing a commission, and I end up driving myself nuts over it and that's a reason a lot of them don't end up finished. I feel like if you keep them short, managable, and start out only taking one or two small ones until you get the hang of it, you'll be totally fine! I'm always happy to offer up what I already have, but I loathe it feeling terrible and unfinished. It feels like I'm spitting in the person's face somehow. That's why I do a lot of my stuff free!

[lifeaftertheabuse]

Silence is Golden

Sitting here by myself on my couch alone.. by myself. Why am I by myself? Because I’m single. No husband. No boyfriend. No girlfriend. I guess I’m not totally alone because my kids are upstairs sleeping so maybe I’m being dramatic, but still sitting here alone. You may think at this point I’m complaining about being alone, but quite the opposite. I love it. The silence is so golden after an abusive relationship. I don’t think anybody really understands that until after they’ve broken free. It’s a whole new world when you don’t have to worry about making your partner angry. Watching every word you say.. every motion you make is so focused on not causing them to get upset. Tip toeing around your own house day after day.

So yeah silence is golden. It’s like coming up for fresh air after you’ve been drowning for so long. It doesn’t even matter where you are. Whether you left and are at a friends or families house or in a domestic violence shelter or you got your own place to stay and are finally safe, whatever your situation may be … just being free of that life is beautiful. That doesn’t mean other pain and I’d even use the word suffering doesn’t come along with the after of leaving this abusive relationship. That’s why I’m here right now writing this. I need an out. A way to get it all out. Everything that’s flying around my head all day long. I need to get words out. So many people don’t realize what goes on in our brains after. How the healing and fixing our ourselves really has to happen to get better. I feel like there’s more awareness now about it and I love that because truly without the awareness I might not be where I am today. I remember 3 years ago sitting in our apartment googling emotional abuse signs and trying to figure out if what was happening was okay. word of advice, if you have to google it, it’s probably happening. but I just needed to know. I needed to understand why even though I tried to do everything right ALL the time things still never made him completely happy. i eventually figured out why the relationship wasn’t working.. left .. got my own place and am THRIVING. I wake up every single day thankful I am not in that relationship and that I forced myself to leave, even though it was truly one of the hardest things I had to do. My kids see their mom happy which is and always has been my main priority.

After everything though I’m still trauma bonded to this sick person even after a year later. People say cut no contact. Cool that’s easy when you don’t Have kids. Yeah that’s easy when your kids don’t think the world of their dad. He’s a good dad. He shows up. He loves them. He is an active father. Which I am thankful for but that’s why no contact doesn’t work. So I have to have this weird co parenting relationship with this person who emotionally abused me and it sucks. And the trauma bond Fucking sucks. I hate it so much. I hate that I ruminate thoughts of him so frequently when I really just want nothing about him to be in brain. If you don’t know what ruminating is, look it up. Blew my mind when my therapist taught me that. Because I’ve been doing that my whole life no lie. This is the way I can describe the trauma bond to my ex for me at least. Like my brain is still telling me that I have given up on this person. I walked away. I left. I ended the relationship and I broke what we had. It feels like I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with this person. But they were hurting me. Never physically, but with their words and their gaslighting. And manipulation of every scenario. So I had to leave. But I’m so bonded to this person because of the abuse my brain and even my body is like fuck you whyd you’d leave? We need that person back! That person gave our brain excitement! Give it back!! Fuck you. Fuck you. Blah blah blah. And it’s just a vicious cycle of like me remembering the things he would say and how small he made me feel all the time and reminding my brain like “hey! No! We didn’t like that remember!” and being like girl you know if you’d stayed you’d be so miserable and the abuse would have continued. So I’m healing and I know it all takes time. There’s no rush. It’s not a race. There’s no finish line. Finish line is death I guess but nobody knows when that is so enjoy your life NOW. Don’t settle for the abuse. Whether it is physical or mental, verbal, emotional, financial. The answer is NO. If you out like me I’m so proud of you. and if you’re still in… I’m proud of you too. Don’t give up because silence is golden.

[laminated-loser]

Can I request newt x reader, but the reader is the one who came up before newt and was like the 4th or 6th to arrive, and they are a runner runner with Minho, and just how they find newt and take care of him after he tried to killed himself but failed.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense I suck at words.

Don't worry, it makes perfect sense, hun. I can totally do this. Thank you lovely Anon for giving me something to do. I am very sorry if it sucks tho, love ya. Also, sorry this is late. I meant to get it out much sooner. Yo this fucking sucks.

Pairing: Next x GN! Reader

Warnings: Su1c!d3 attempt, gonna be lots of fluff don't worry little ones, this is probs gonna suck bc even tho I read the books and watched the movies many things are going to be out of line and the time line is gonna be fucked. Definetly before Thomas came obviously.

Genre: Fluff and Angst

Ack, good luck.

You stood fom inspecting something behind the vines that grew on the Maze walls and looked back at Minho. "What was it?" He asked. "Just another one of those WICKED things. Same as the others." You sighed, shaking your head.

"We should start heading back. Its getting late." You nod in reply and begin your route back to the Glade. "I wonder how Newt's doing. Since this is only his second run." You said. Minho rolled his eyes. "I'm still surprised that you didn't ask to run with him rather then me." He said teasingly.

You bumped his shoulder, throwing him slightly off balance. "I can't just not run with you. You'd get lost in here and become Griever food." You snickered. "Me getting lost? What about you?? Last run you took how many wrong turns?" You cringed. "Don't remind me. I embarrassed myself in front of Newt in the process.." You whined.

Minho opened his mouth to say something else but instead stoppes in his tracks. "Minho? Whats wrong-" Your words dried in your throat as you followed his gaze to the blonde boy that had climbed up the vines and looked as if he wanted to jump.

"Newt!" You wasted no time running to the wall he climbed. His head whipped around to look at you as he heard his name leave your mouth. His fingers let the vine go and his legs slipped off. He fell. Your scream bounced off the Maze.

~

When Newt opened his eyes, his body ached and his leg hurt like hell. He turned his head and saw you sitting next to the bed he was in with your fingers intertwined with his own. Your eyes were closed and tear tracks traced down your face.

He sqeezed your hand gently and your eyes shot open, looking at him with desperation and happiness. Your lower lip trembled and the tears began again. "Dont ever fucking do that again." You said sternly, the shake in your voice showing how worried you were.

"I- I'm.. I'm sorry, Y/N..." Newt whispered, avoiding your gaze. He tried to slip his hand out of yours but you only squeezed tighter. "You do not get to leave this bed until you are fully recovered. And you do not get to resist anything you are given, alright?" You told him. "And if I want to hold your hand, im going to hold your hand because you scared the shit out of me. God you're a dick. I like you way to much for you to leave so soon." You hugged him tightly.

Newt's eyes widened slightly and slowly hugged you back. "Sorry.." He muttered. "I am going to take care of you for however long it takes. Minho is going to kill me because he's down two runners but I don't care I am staying with you." You said, grabbing his face in your hands and forcing him to meet your gaze. "Okay?" He hesitated before nodding. "Okay." You gave him a quick kiss to the forehead and smiled. "Good. Now, I am going to go get us some lunch. Be right back!"

You left to go get lunch and Newt stared after you. He couldn't stop the smile that appeared on his face.

(My dear Anon this the end but if you would like more feel free to ask for more. I do hope you liked this and that it lived up to your expectations. If it didnt i sincerely apologize for wasting your time.)

[theghosteditor25]

The man who pulled me out while I was struggling to save myself from drowning

I came from a middle class fam. My father was re-electing for the Mayor at that time. Everything was going well but I was emotionally struggling with myself. I was not good at telling people what I really feel. I let everything consume me until everything within me was getting heavy. I was totally good at hiding that I was not okay. Maybe because in a Filipino household, we don't really talk about feelings, emotions and things that are deep. I don't know but we tend to avoid that topic. My thoughts were drowning me and I don't know how to get back up. Even tho I tried travelling to places, hiking, camping it did not heal the pain and sadness that I was feeling inside. And there I realized that it was not the place nor the people around me that made me feel that way. It was me, I made myself feel that way.

It was 2019 when I prayed for the Father to save me because I was drowning and darkness was consuming me. That time even tho I knew that the things I was doing were not right, I still did it because it made me feel okay for a while. It was like an addiction that helps me cope up with myself. And sometimes suicide crosses my mind. I have done things that my family or my colleagues wouldn't imagine that I'm capable of doing. Maybe because I was always the sunshine and rainbows.

I can still remember I was doing good, physically, at that point of my life. It feels like everything was going well. My parents and siblings were supportive of me, I was excelling in my studies, I have friends that are helping me out and everything I needed was well provided but then there was a missing piece. I was still lost in a room full of people.

I know people would think how blessed I am for what I have physically but there's this sadness that was consuming me and I don't know how to overcome it so I prayed and I got my answer through Pastor Apollo C. Quiboloy. 2018 when I first heard about Pastor's preaching, I felt something was different about Him so I continued to attend His live TWP until the time that I became busy at school so I stopped attending for a while. 2019 came and I was emotionally breaking down. I was at my lowest I felt like I'm drowning with sadness and pain and I don't even know where it's coming from and all I could do was cry. I can still remember, one time I was crying so much that I can't even utter a word but then I remember that tears are silent prayers and I know that it travelled to Him because my prayer was answered when the pandemic came. A privilege was given to me when one of the ministers asked me to train in SMNI Makati. And without anything in mind, I said yes. I dropped off school immediately and left everything behind. I was just a trainee at that time but then there was something about the ministry that made me decide to stay and fill-up on becoming a Full-time Miracle Worker even tho my understanding was not yet deep at that time I still decided to enter because I believe in Pastor's preaching and I am also in need of salvation. He was the light that lightened up the darkness within me. He was the one who changed me from within. He is the one who taught me about all the things that are missing within me. I was tainted but He did not see that, He totally saw what I'll become. He saw all my flaws but still helped me overcome. He pulled me out from drowning. He made my life so much better. I wouldn't be able to continue this journey if it wasn't because of Him. Thank you so much Pastor.

In my generation most of my colleagues are fighting a battle within themselves and I advise you to seek the Almighty Father because He is the giver of true happiness.

And to all of you reading this it was my choice to be here. No one forced me to enter and it is still my choice to stay no matter what because I believe in the ministry of the Appointed Son of God.

To all of you that know me while I was still outside, you know I'll never talk about things like this but with everything that is happening right now, I can't help but speak up. To the one reading this, if you really want to know who Pastor is I encourage you that you pray for it. Ask the Almighty Father who He is and He will reveal it to you.

Note: You cannot judge someone just by hearing the other side of the story.

[lifesucksdiary]

What’s happening lately in my life

Guess what? Calob messaged me on Langmate. He apologized that he ghosted on me. He said the longer he waited, the harder it was for him to message back. And he went on and said it was childish. I said I don't remember haha

After I tried my best to move on from him, sometimes I doubted my own meaning to exist(just for a few minutes), my students were worried about me if I was okay, I even tried reading books or studying real estate law to get my mind off of my own grusome thoughts.

Back when he dissappeared from my life suddenly, I checked his messages every hour every day every week. I blew up his phone lol After I had no response, I realized that I had to block him everywhere, distract myself all kinds of ways possible. And I finally feel checked out from him. I started working at a new job, and it has been five months now. I feel tired but feel great to have my own income that at least support my basic needs. Sometimes not enough but I have side gig to last me until my next paycheck comes in. I can buy myself my own clothes, food, some items I find cute at flea market. I can drive myself around the town whenever I want. I found my new hobby which is writing letters to my friends outside Japan. I watch movies here and there. I refocused to myself and see what make myself happy and well.

Here are two aspects of myself I changed this year.

First thing I had to change was my debt situation.

I had credit card debt of about 1 million yen, my sister paid for my pension which she told me after she paid 200000yen. My brother borrowed me 150000 yen.. I was seriously in helpless situation. My brother took me in at his company to work as a waitress for three months, which helped me pay off to my sister. Now I paid off my one credit card that had 4000USD on it, and I cancelled it. What I am left with is about 2500USD debt on my other credit card which I cancelled as well yesterday.

I am more than grateful for my family who willingly helped me survive. I should have taken cared of myself already to have emergency fund and a job. I still do not have my own place because I still want to live abroad. I do not want any long term housing contract. I feel like a very dumb person but I feel much better than before for having reduced the amount of debt this year.

The second thing I had to change was my relationship with men of my interest.

Long story short, like Calob,and D, I revolved my life around them. I enjoyed so it was not forced at all. But the problem was that I did not have my own foundation because I was always changing my plans to match their time and location. That led me to not being able to progress my career, thus no raise or in depth experience in one industry. Now I put myself first before anybody. Sometimes it is tempting because it looks easier to imagine being a housewife who works part time outside and get to stay indoor with someone you love's money to have your basic needs covered. But in reality, I did not feel the total freedom to spend somoene's money. I always felt like I owed them and I felt useless and small. I felt obligated to do things for them and always my wants and needs last.

Now that I have my own job that lasted for five months, I am already making a progress at the company. I assist my manager's tasks whenever she is not in the office. Management was something I was always interested in, and call center job is what people say I am good at.

I did not know in the past four years after Covid lay off, I was doing something meaningful. But today writing these out made me figured that I did actually made a progress. It was definitely a trial and error but I totally am a better version than before.

My skin is better too! I fixed my acne problem! All over my body. Face, neck back butt, it took me about a year to fix them.

I have experience in online customer support position for total of about a year, on-site tech support for one year, clerical staff for a few months. I hope these experience help me be in a better position in the future.

[tetrisfinished]

the most important lesson i've learnt thusfar in 2023 - or maybe perhaps in my whole life to date is...that it is crucial to allow yourself the grace to feel your feelings.

feel ALL of your feelings.

the good, the bad, the ugly. the happy, the sad, the angry. the pride, the rage, the petty....let yourself feel it all. we do this a lot - as adults and as humans...where we're faced with an emotion and because that emotion doesn't quite fit into the moment that we're in, we try and push it aside. and we try and make ourselves not feel and process that emotion. and we push ourselves to forget and be happy and move on with our lives.

well i've got news for you. that shit doesn't go away. your negative emotions (because of course, typically those are the ones that are shunned or ignored or pushed under many rugs) stew and fester just under the surface forever.

until one day you realize you're harbouring SO MUCH RESENTMENT as a direct cause of them!

as part of my current journey, there are certain decisions i've made in my married life. yasir and i are...well, we're not okay at best. i've more or less stopped communicating with him about much of anything and i've also stopped expecting change of him.

although that last part is not totally true. what started out as an effort to change myself to force yasir to bring about change in himself has turned into something totally different.

maybe the original intention of it was incorrect. but now i'm realizing the fault in my thinking. me, changing my actions to try and control the way someone else reacts to them is STILL ME trying to control things that WERE NEVER IN MY CONTROL TO BEGIN WITH.

of course, while we speak on the topic of control i'd be remiss not to mention that of course we as a human species don't actually have any control over anything. that control will of course always lie with Allah swt. but we do have free will (to the extent of our own situations) and we have the abilities to act on our free will.

but anyway. whatever little control we have of our own situation lies only in the control that we have over ourselves. i can never hope to control the next guy any more than they can hope to control me.

in any case, i've been harbouring a lot of resentment for yasir because i am constantly feeling like i've been hurt by him - he does not care, he does whatever he wants, he does not spend time with us (his wife and kid), he does not stand up for me. and while, yes, all of that on it's own is not great - the fact of the matter is that earlier this year i made the decision to stick this marriage through. and frankly...my decision has not changed. i'm in it now and for my own reasoning that i am actively choosing not to share, i will continue to be in it, unless of course things take a turn for the even worse. which frankly, at this point, very little change in the worse direction would make me change my mind (abuse obviously being the big main one).

but the thing that is (was) causing part of the resentment was always me thinking he doesn't do any of this crap for me - but i continually do it for him! i visit and see all of his family and speak to them despite being unhappy or dissatisfied with the ways in which they treat me. i give them a lot of respect despite feeling like it is often or sometimes not reciprocated. and frankly whatever other issues i have with them, i firmly believe i could overlook completely if i had the support of my spouse with me. but i don't feel that i do.

so that is partially the cause of a LOT of my stored up resentment.

but this eid, i decided i wouldn't be meeting or spending time with them (read: bari eid, 2023). and then, lo and behold, i actually had the balls to go through with my decision.

and you know what happened? that imaginary fear of being trapped into doing something i don't want to do - that fear that my world will implode the minute i actively do something that i 100% know for a fact will make folks upset with - THAT FEAR WAS NOT REALIZED.

i didn't go. the thing happened. yasir went. he took esa. and here i am alive and well enough to tell the tale. isn't that nuts!? forget all the petty reasoning in the world - i finally realized that actually no one is forcing me to be the way that i am. it's this innate thing. it's ME. not HIM. or THEM. or ANYONE ELSE.

yes. my innate thing was grounded in mutual respect and care for the folks that i was sharing it with - but the mutual part of it i never saw or experienced. so when i took one step to try and level the playing field - nothing happened except for that I WAS ABLE TO BREATHE A SINGLE SIGH OF RELIEF.

i did it. i can do it. i can actually act on the things that upset me. maybe i'll go to hell for it, but at this point there are many other reasons stacked against me for that anyway. but MAYBE...in my lifetime....i'll learn to respect the way i feel!

maybe, i'll become the parent who champions the way their kid feels. maybe i'll become the person who thinks about my feelings when they hit. who tries to get to the root of them. who actively tries to wade through them, allow myself time and grace, feel them, and then get PAST THEM.

and maybe...i'll be a better person for it.

i used to speak like this before too (or at least i'd like to think i did). but now...now i'm actually actioning it. now i'm truly understanding it. and omg guise do not bottle yourself up.

let yourself feel your anger. let yourself feel the hurt.

understand why it is you feel those ways. are you hurt because you feel like someone didn't do something you would have expected them to? did you ever communicate that feeling? work through your shit so you can come out the other end and close that fucking chapter in your life.

so here's to the remainder of 2023 - may i fucking grow through my feelings. may my hurt be healed. may i become stronger and more patient.

may i be the person i expect others to respect and may i FINALLY AND TRULY AND SINCERELY afford myself that same level of respect.

ameen sum ameen.

much love,

k