#they went through something traumatic they deserve a good cry

[hellishgayliath]

It is a shame children such as yourselves had to endure such hardships

You all did not deserve to have the weight of the world fall on your shoulders

[pumpkinsouppe]

There’s def a lot I wish to be in Tears of the Kingdom, especially things like regional/diverse enemies. But the thing I really wish to see is Link express negative emotions. And not just “he’s angry at fighting enemies” but rather he’s angry and tired and upset and confused at his situation. He has followed orders from the king the moment he touched the master sword as a CHILD. We don’t even know if he truly got to be a child because his whole life has been about duty. And I’m pretty sure in this timeline he was descended from the Hylian knights so who knows how long he’s been training to just be a standard knight before the master sword.

Link SHOULD be angry that he’s stuck in this cycle of rebirth. Even when he died, the fall of Hyrule was blamed on him and he didn’t even get to stay dead. He was woken up and had to finish his duties while also being constantly reminded that his death is what lead Hyrule to look like is does. He should be angry, angry at Ganon and Demise and at the Hylian Royalty for forcing him into this situation over and over and over.

And this is exactly why I hope TOTK is similar to Majora’s Mask. Not because Majora’s Mask was scary. But because it dealt with the grief and isolation and depression Link had to face after going through an incredible traumatic journey, and then losing all of his friends as a result. Most notably losing the ONE friend who was with him the entire time. Who completely understood everything Link went through because she experienced the same thing. And she was the entire reason Majora’s Mask even happened in the first place, because Link was desperately searching for Navi because he was scared to be alone. I want TOTK to explore these hard and brutal emotions for both Link and Zelda. I want them both to be scared, angry, and distraught. I want them to cry over themselves and be selfish. I want them to do something impactful that isn’t for the sake of Hyrule. I hope there’s conflict with the Goddess Hylia. I hope they reject her outstretched hand after she has burdened two children to sacrifice themselves for the good of Hyrule.

I want there to be a good resolution to TOTK. I want both Link and Zelda to choose their own path even if that means leaving Hyrule. But I want the path to resolution to be painful and really explore Link’s true emotions. He is stoic and mute because he is burdened with the weight of the world. What good is a knight who talks when he is judged based on his actions and ability to use a sword.

With Zelda’s warning that she thinks that even Link can’t succeed, I hope we do see helplessness in Link. Again to Majora’s Mask we did get to see Link helpless. He was transformed into a small Deku Scrub with no weapons, no horse, and was an outlier in a town filled with humans. But he learned to work through that helplessness. He embraced the spirit who had to give his life for Link to look the way he does and figure out new ways to fight and communicate. He later became grateful for the Zora and Goron who let him use their spirits to aide his journey. He was able to confront Majora’s because he was never truly alone. Everyone he’s ever met has given him strength even if they aren’t with him presently.

And that’s what I hope to see in Link in TOTK. A helplessness due to his isolated burden, faced against something he could never win against alone. And thankfully we did get that to an extent in BOTW with the champions and even Zelda. But even then, fighting the divine beasts was optional. Link in a sense could have faced Ganon alone. Hell people even fight Ganon with no clothes and only carrying sticks.

No, I want Link, even in the most powerful armor with the most powerful weapon, to be helpless. And I want him to be angry about it. And upset. And hurt. Because he has earned the right to express every painful emotion for his circumstance and he deserves to be able to express his frustration. It is okay if he isn’t the hero.

[bunni-v1]

Hello! Can I request malleus x reader angst?

Malleus breaks up with reader because he is afraid he will hurt her after putting her under a sleeping curse during his over blot

<33

Malleus Afraid to Hurt Reader Again After Blot

TW: Poor Attempt at Angst, No real resolution either, Mild swearing, Bunni hasn't actually written something in a while give them a break, please

Info: Short fic; Angst; Malleus x Reader

🍓I... didn't have much thought process when going into this. I just kinda wrote, and I think I did what I wanted to do? I'm not sure, but I did have fun writing it! This is less focused on Malleus and more focused on the readers internal thoughts and how they dealt with it. Idk I don't like Malleus, so I'm not gonna pity the guy lol. Anyway, enjoy lovelies!

Summary: In the title

Malleus had become… distant since his blot. Despite everything having been solved, you ultimately deciding to stay in Twisted Wonderland, and Malleus generally being forgiven for his transgressions he had only seemed to close off more than before. Of course, that made sense. Overblotting was traumatizing, and he had so much weight on his shoulders before and after it happened. The distance was natural. But it had been a month, and he had been avoiding you like the plague.

You tried to be patient, tried to be understanding. With reassurance from Lilia and Silver and even Sebek that he was fine, you were making it through, but… you missed your boyfriend. You were also experiencing pain from the overblot, from multiple overblotts. All you wanted was to heal with your boyfriend, but he was shutting you out. It wasn’t fair.

Ace, Deuce, and Grim agreed — in fact, they seemed more passionate about it than you were, adding fuel to your slowly growing angry fire. Every time you came crying to one of them with your woes, they only seemed to get more and more exhausted and livid. Deuce always tried to comfort you (pathetically), while Ace and Grim ranted on about how you should ‘just break up with him,’ and ‘he doesn’t deserve you if he’s gonna treat you like this.’

You were beginning to agree with them. Weeks of this was weighing on your poor heart and mind, getting in the way of your studies and day-to-day life. The only reason you were social was because Ace wouldn’t let you hole yourself up. ‘Hiding yourself away just means you’re letting him win, you don’t want him to win this one.’

So, with your head held high, you did your best to pretend everything was fine. You went to classes, spent time with your friends, worked at the Monstro Lounge, and continued your regular schedule. Except now, instead of running to Malleus when you were done with your long day, you met up with Ace and spent your time decompressing with him.

Occasionally, you would feel Malleus’ eyes on you. You would turn to give him a smile and a wave, but he would always turn away before you could lift your arm. So, you just stopped. You stopped trying. Your chest still ached, but you couldn’t allow this to be the end of your life anymore. You deserved to be able to function, and Malleus would come to you and talk to you when he decided to grow up.

In Malleus’ eyes, however, this was the final nail in the coffin.

・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・

That morning you received a knock on your door. Grim, Ace, and Deuce were out cold on the floor after one of your bi-weekly, ‘hangouts,’ (which were just sleepovers), so you were expecting Trey or Cater to come to fetch them. When you opened the door, however, you were greeted by Lilia’s little grin. He seemed a bit… off, upset, though you couldn’t place why.

“Lilia…?”

“Good morning little one, I’ve got a letter for you.”

“An invitation... from Malleus…?” you wondered allowed.

“You’ll have to read it and see,” he paused, “please remember you are always welcome to come and speak with me. You are like family, and I am here for you always.”

You said nothing, simply giving him a confused smile and nodding as he walked off. With a sigh, you shut the door and flipped the letter in your hands. Rich black paper with a red wax stamp and your name in pretty gold letters — most definitely from Malleus. You couldn’t stop your heart from leaping in your chest at the revelation. Maybe he would apologize, and things could go back to normal?

You took a few deep breaths to calm your excitement. Be realistic, you reminded yourself. You quietly crept to the kitchen, carefully opening the envelope and unfolding the letter. It was short, less than half the page of Malleus’ gorgeous cursive.

“My Dearest,

Firstly, I must apologize for my absence from your life. I’ve had much to think about after my blot, and I could not think clearly around you. I realized quite a few differences between the two of us. Firstly, you are human, and I am fae. I have a much longer lifespan than you, and am far more powerful than you could imagine. You have a small lifespan and are magic-less. You are easily affected by even weak magical spells, and the toll that my magic has on you is immense. As I saw with my blot, you are fragile and easily harmed. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that you would be safer and happier if we put an end to our relations with each other. You will be well, as I have seen your friends care for you deeply. Please find it in yourself to forgive me for what I have done."

You stared at the letter blankly, your mind struggling to comprehend what you were reading. Malleus had… broken up with you? Via a letter, of all things? Perhaps it could be worse, but a letter was Malleus’ equivalent of magicam… so could it really be? You hadn’t realized you were crying until you saw your tears blurring the ink on the paper.

You didn’t want to cry. You were more angry than sad, but the hurt stung worse in your heart, so you stood at the kitchen counter and sobbed. And you sobbed and sobbed and sobbed over a man who did not have the decency to face you in person. You cried so loud that it woke one of your friends, and you could hear the creaking of the floorboards as they grew closer until you saw the red hair in your blurred vision.

“Yo,” he said awkwardly, “watcha cryin’ about now…?”

You let out a half-hearted ‘nothing,’ but Ace wasn’t having it. He rounded the counter, settling awkwardly at your side. Somehow, Ace was worse than Deuce when it came to comforting you. He noticed the letter on the table and -- with a defeated shrug of your shoulders -- picked it up. You could see him grow angrier and angrier as he read it.

“Who does he think he is, huh,” slamming the letter down onto the counter, “couldn’t even do it in person. What a coward!”

You sniffled, wiping at your face. It was hard to disagree, especially considering the circumstances. 

“He isn’t even worth cryin’ over, so wipe those tears,” he grumbled, “you, me, and the other losers in there are going out and getting your mind off of that dumbass. Go get dressed, and I’ll get them up.”

You nodded, wiping up the rest of your tears and stumbling up to your room to do as you were told. The first thing you did when you arrived was look in the mirror. Your puffy eyes, ruffled hair, and tear streaks down your cheeks, and for what? A guy who ghosted you for weeks on end, who couldn’t even break up with you in person. What a joke.

Ace was right. He isn’t worth crying over. He isn’t worth worrying about anymore. So, why did your heart still ache? It wasn’t fair. Still, you cleaned yourself up, got dressed, and resigned yourself to a life without Malleus. If you could do it before, you could do it for the rest of your life. He would be graduating soon anyway, and you wouldn’t have to see him again after that.

Who needs him anyway? You’ve got your friends to take care of you. 

[kix-mm]

A once cruel god. G/t short story 2/??

Pt 1

The human dared not look up at the god. Out of fear of seeing the expression on their face and knowing their dreadful fate. The human had just been sick all over the gods hand, the same god that ate their legs and arm, the same god that carved their name into the humans back and had the human almost die in some of the most gruesome ways, the very same monster that fell head over heels for this human...

"Amber... I'm..." Victor was speechless. This was by far the most horrid result he had witnessed. By his own doing, he had singlehandedly ruined their life. Their chance of having a well-deserved life of comfort and peace after all they had gone through. Instead, the human was barely clothed, starved, and shunned from human society. What seemed worse. The human seemed to prefer living on the streets than being found by the god ever again.

Victor would have been offended by this knowledge only a few years ago, but he knew better now. He took a deep breath and calmed himself. He had no chance of redemption, but the least he could do was offer something to make the human's life more comfortable.

"Amber... let me take you home, let me clean you, feed you, and give you a place to rest..." is what they wished they could say, but they already knew the answer would never be one he liked. So, instead, he did the most selfish thing he knew to do. Taking the human back home without letting them have a say in the matter, the human was hysterical, sobbing, thrashing, screaming till they lost their voice.

"Amber, Amber, it's okay, you're safe, see? It's home-" Amber threw a small rock in retaliation, one of the only things they managed to use as self defense, one of the only things they still were in possession of.

"Take me back! Take me back!! Take me back, you selfish beast! You monster!!" Amber screamed out of anger, but it was short-lived as they suddenly froze.

They watched the gods' expression shift from worry to offended, and suddenly everything went deafeningly quiet for what seemed like an eternity.

"Amber...?" Victor watched as the human completely froze and... Oh no, poor thing... it soiled itself... Victor watched in shock as the human just sat there and began sobbing once more. They felt both ashamed and scared.

Victor quickly took them to the bathroom and had a small bath run for Amber in the sink. Everything was going horribly. The human was a traumatized mess. The god was sinking into unimaginable guilt and was trying his best to care for Amber, all while trying his best not to begin crying for the sake of the human. This wasn't supposed to be how it was... it was supposed to be a good day, a happy day, but the god instead had a traumatic wake-up call to his passed. He was far worse than he realized.

"Amber, Amber, it's okay, it's okay, I'm sorry, I thought this would help... please stay still..." he spoke in his softest voice while cleaning and dressing them, this alone took over 2 and a half hours because of the deep infections in the himans wounds and how hysterical Amber was.

Amber had eventually exhausted themselves and passed out from shock. Any time something similar happened, their body's defense was just to completely shut down to ensure minimum trauma and survival.

Victor gently laid Amber into their very own bed and tucked them in before finally letting himself break down into tears and apologies. His heavy tears hit the marble floor, which made many human sevants rush over to clean the spillage. He made sure to be extra careful around the humans when moving and sat himself down on the edge of his bed. Amber's bed was right on his nightstand, so he could keep a good eye on them just in case they woke up in a panic... although... maybe seeing the very god that ruined your life trying to comfort you wasn't ideal...

Victor let out a deep sigh, watching Amber sleep looked painful. They would flinch and shiver, whimpering every now and then while their cheeks were stained with tears, at least they were clean, and they had clean clothes on, a warm bed, and... they were safe, for once...

Victor gently rubbed the humans head, their hair had grown over the years, and had been messily cut in an attempt to keep it short. Probably to ensure nobody could grab them by it like he used to... and their face was still so precious, despite the unflattering marks. He wondered if they did it themselves or if someone did it as a favor. There was no doubt that Amber would have thanked the stranger...

[starguardianniom]

Adrien and Marinette screwing each other's character development

That's literally what happened in season 5.

5 seasons of Adrien trying his best to break free of his dad's abuse and control only for Marinette to honors Gabriel's wish and make him believe he was a hero and a good parent, despite having front seat at his abuse, on top of fighting him, and Gabriel made the both of time cry. So now Adrien will forever think his father was a good man, when he was not. He will like his abuser, when the last episode showing them together has Adrien showing nothing but hatred toward his father for thinking he knew better for him when he was just doing what he wanted Adrien to do and not what Adrien wanted himself.

We spent 5 seasons watching Marinette trying and failing to confess to Adrien, only for him to confess to her instead which rendered kind of all her efforts pointless, on top of not having to learn the many lessons that she should have, like regarding his private life, or start seeing him as a person and not a perfect angel who can't do no wrong. They even had some jokes at her behavior, behavior that they later learned was because she had a traumatic experience which made her decide that the next poor sod that would catch her attention would not be permitted to have a private life whatsoever, just because she made an error of judgement and didn't listen to her friend's warning, something she keeps doing repeatedly during the series. She just gets her boyfriend and never has to change her behavior, and he doesn't get to maybe get mad or creeped out at all the stuff she did for him while she could barely speak to him, let alone struggle to stay close less she ran away out of being scared to ask him out. So her toxic behavior also doesn't get to be toned down. Biggest example is after learning that Gabriel is Monarch, she goes to speak to him because she wants Adrien back, not to stop Monarch once in for all. She has to when he finds her in his house and she can't hide much longer.

The main difference, Marinette has been aware since forever that Gabriel was pretty controlling with Adrien and got depressed over it several times since it meant she couldn't hang out with him. And she still sided with his abuser because she didn't want Adrien to deal with the backlash of knowing his father was the local terrorist of the city. A guy she spent 5 season fighting, and spent the last episode of season 5 beating up because he prefered to go with his crazy scheme instead of respecting his wife's last wish. And she decides to respect Gabriel's last wish instead of being honest with Adrien and the rest of the city, which I'm sorry to say, is beyond horrible of her. People deserves the truth, so does Adrien, stop coodling him like his father tried, he doesn't need it.

Meanwhile Adrien just learned in the last season that she had a crush on him. And saw her doing some pretty weird stuff, but never truly saw the real depths as to how far Marinette was willing to go to get his love. He didn't see her bully Kagami, he didn't see her lie and manipulate her parents to make her follow him to Shangai and abandoning her uncle on his birthday just to go stalk him, among other stuff. So he isn't aware of the worst of Marinette, and half of it he thinks she's just weird because to him that's how she's always been, weird and quirky but still charming and cute somehow.

I kind of just realised that while reading other posts about those subjects and just saw that they both ruined each other's development, Adrien unintentionally and Marinette, intentionally.

EDIT: chocolatevoidpizza made me realize I was victim blaming Marinette for the cruel prank she went through in Derision via the line "just because she made an error of judgement and didn't listen to her friend's warning".

That is unfair on Marinette and I apologize for writing that and take it back.

I however won't delete it cause I need the reminder to not have a repeat of that and I need the lesson.

So thank you chocolatevoidpizza for opening my eyes and knocking sense back into me.

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Who Let Us Have A Group Chat?

Pairings: Blood Moon/DJ Music Man, Harvest Moon/Glamrock Bonnie, Eclipse/OC (well, not anymore)

Word Count: 1,430 Words

Summary: KC has their first period and inadvertently comes out.

Warnings: Caps, Period/Menstruation, Death (mentioned only), Blood (mentioned), Age Regression, Pain (mentioned), Cursing, Accidental Misgendering, Coming Out, Nudity (mentioned only, non-sexual), SFW Tickling, let me know if I should add anything else.

Chapter 12: Periods & Panics

6:40am Who Took My Hat?

Kill Code: It HURTS

Moon: What hurts?

Kill Code: My stomach.

Moon: What did you eat last? Did you eat grapes? Dairy? Did you eat something rotten or moldy? Old baked goods? Something out of date?

Eclipse: Jesus you went into Mom Mode. Chill. I don’t think he’s dying.

Moon: Even if he isn’t dying, he’d still need epinephrine and your computer doesn’t know how to make it!

Eclipse: Bold of you to assume!

Eclipse: But yeah, it doesn’t. But he also didn’t eat any allergens at dinner, we just a meat/meat substitute and salad night and me and him used the same dressing non-dairy with no grapes, grape seed, or anything grape related.

Moon: Then what could possibly be hurting? Cres?

Kill Code: I have blood in my bed, I threw up. I don’t know what’s happening.

Moon: BLOOD!?

Eclipse: oh

Eclipse: Moon chill out, I know what it is. Dad, do your hips hurt too? Lower back?

Kill Code: Yes, everything hurts.

Eclipse: Moon, you’ve never had periods before, did you?

Moon: Not after the first one, that was hell. I forcibly turned off my hormonal sensors and haven’t had one since.

Eclipse: He’s having his first period and nobody told him because us kids thought he already knew what they were like being in your body.

Moon: shit

Eclipse: I can take care of it. I’m his ‘oldest’ child.

Kill Code: I can deal with it.

Kill Code is offline

Moon: WHAT HAPPENED!?

Eclipse: He got up trying to fix it himself while I was getting supplies and he fainted from how suddenly he got up mixed with how much blood he lost while he was sleeping.

Kill Code is online

Kill Code: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just wanted to fix it.

Eclipse: We’ll you ain’t. What you’re going to fix is getting into the bath and cleaning off because I’m the one fixing it. You’re in pain. You deserve one day of being taken care of.

Kill Code: I’m the dad, I don’t get taken care of. I take care of you.

Harvest Moon: Go bathe or I’m coming in there and forcibly bathing you.

Kill Code: fine

7:20am Who Took My Hat?

Moon: He’s okay now?

Blood Moon: He’s fine. Still bathing.

Eclipse: I thought he came out already.

Blood Moon: No, I’ve been waiting at the door to make sure he doesn’t try to go off working and he hasn’t come out yet.

Eclipse: Go in and check on him, I’m washing the sheets. Trying to, anyway.

[Blood Moon has started a video call] Moon: Why? I don’t want to possibly see KC naked!

Blood Moon: I need moral support! I might see my dad naked! You can suffer through it, it’s less traumatic for you, since you shared a body with him.

Moon: Fine.

[Blood Moon opens the door slowly, showing KC still in the bath but quickly looks away]

Blood Moon: Dad? Are you okay?

Kill Code: Bat’ie. *giggles and splashes the bath water a bit, playing with a few bubbles but whimpers and starts crying when his belly hurts again*

Moon: Blood Moon, he’s regressing.

Blood Moon: Dad? You’re little?

Kill Code: Hurts! Wan’ it to stop!

Blood Moon: Did you get clean?

Kill code: Yeah, got clean.

Blood Moon: Okay, let’s get you dressed then.

[Blood Moon has ended the video call]

Moon: Thank god, I don’t have to watch you dressing him.

Blood Moon: Eclipse, he’s little, what do I dress him in?

Eclipse: Standard? Sweatpants he can loosen in case he’s bloated at all, big soft baggy shirt in case his chestplate is sensitive. A pad since he’ll probably be sleeping once he gets the food and Midol into him.

Blood Moon: Moon, you better have a good fucking reason for this.

Moon: For what?

Blood Moon: kcinatowelholdingupapurplenightgown.jpg

Moon: I guess the nanobots you guys made his body from shifted with how vulnerable he felt?

Blood Moon: Moon, he picked out a dress. By himself. I’m not confused about the almost human part, I understand the defense tactic. I am concerned about the dress he chow on his own.

Eclipse: Oh my god, if this is how we find out KC is trans, I swear to god.

Harvest Moon: Dad is trans?

Eclipse: You are so far out of the loop right now, Ves.

Blood Moon: Kill Code fought me trying to stop them from digging through drawers, they wanted this one single article of clothing more than they cared about not being in pain.

Blood Moon: I want an explanation, Moon. You shared a body with KC.

Moon: I can neither confirm nor deny anything.

Harvest Moon: This isn’t a question, Moon, we need to know before we do something that upsets them while they’re already in pain and upset!

Moon: I plead the fifth.

Eclipse: Please?

Moon: …

Moon: Fine.

Moon: KC is genderfluid. They kept it a big secret, they were embarrassed about it constantly, especially when they were sharing with me.

Eclipse: Why would they keep this from us? We’re their kids, we love our parent.

Moon: They think they have to be some big tough Dad for you all. They refused to take care of themself until they took care of you. But I guess so much piled on all at once forced them to need to accidentally come out because they didn’t want to feel uncomfortable anymore when they were already so stressed.

Supermassive: So right now KC is our Mom. Right?

Moon: Right now Cres is just a baby. If she’s still regressing, that is.

Blood Moon: I would say her asking if she can use a diaper instead of a pad says yes to her regressing.

Eclipse: I have some still from before I knew pads existed. I’ll bring one in.

Blood Moon: Who says I want to put a diaper on my Mom!? This is worse than naked trash can!

Lunar: I’ll come do it. My god.

Eclipse: Seriously? Don’t you hate her?

Lunar: Too late, I already used the daycare to bunker teleporter thingy. And yes, I hate her. But she’s family and she’s family I don’t care if I see naked. I’ve changed Moon before, I don’t care at this point.

Moon: You better stop talking right now.

Lunar: Hush.

Lunar: And stop lying about your period, you get them twice a month, you poor fucker.

Moon: Shut uuuup, I don’t want to think about it!

Eclipse: Wait, if you have them, then how didn’t KC know about them?

Moon: I blocked off the pain sensors for it and she just never thought to check down there because KC didn’t care when she was feral. Later on, she just ignored it because she felt uncomfortable with my body and couldn’t stand to interact other it.

Eclipse: And the blood?

Moon: …

Lunar: He put on period diapers before they switched out.

Lunar: Here’s our pretty girl by the way.

Lunar: killcodebeingcarriedtobed.jpg

Moon: Just occurred to me, why the hell are you so strong?

Lunar: Monty messed up my schematics by one little issue.

Lunar: He made me just as strong as he is. He added an extra zero by mistake. So I’m worth 10,000 joules of energy instead of 1,000.

Moon: You scare me.

Lunar: I should scare you. I’m a fourteen year old who can pick up two family members at once.

Lunar: Regardless, look our our pretty girl.

Lunar: killcodesnugglingastuffedbearandwatchingtinkerbell.jpg

Moon: Tell her she’s such a sweet girl for me, she liked that when I tried last time to get her to come out and stop pushing herself.

Lunar: Oh, my heart. Moony, this is the response I got. I can’t believe I thought to record it. This is the most precious thing!

Lunar: kcbeingcute.vid

[video transcription] Lunar: Moony says you’re such a sweet girl, Cressy.

Kill Code: Mama says?

Lunar: Yes, baby, Mama says. Mama says you’re pretty and sweet and the cutest girl ever.

Kill Code: *tiny little giggles as she watches Lunar with complete joy* Mama make pain go away?

Lunar: Mama’s at home right now, he’s looking after the daycare. But you have me all day if you want.

Kill Code: Mama work. Got Baba.

Lunar: You do, you got Baba.

Kill Code: Baba make pain go ‘way?

Lunar: I most certainly can. Here, let me kiss it better. *kisses her belly and tickles her sides*

Kill Code: *giggling constantly until she giggles so hard she squeaks*

[transcription end]

Moon: Oh my god, that’s adorable.

[scoonsalicious]

OKAY I'M HERE. Sorry, I'm late. Funnily enough, we're on opposite sides of the world so your update time is waaaayyy too early in the morning for me so I usually read it when I wake up (shocking I know, digesting this traumatic but amazing masterpiece early in the morning) but since school has started up again and I have morning classes I haven't been able to. So do expect my reports to be a lil later than usual. ANYWAYS ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

Let's start with Steve and Pocket. I totally forgot that both of them were under the influence during that time and while they did get a little frisky (I also find it so funny how Pocket doesn't have much of a reaction. it was all Steve. It was as if she already knew she could never orgasm with this man. like homegirl was dry during that I just know it) I'm glad they didn't go far and were able to actually realize how much of a mistake it would've been because not only for obvious reasons like that's your ex's best friend but also the intoxicated thing. It wouldn't have done any good to Poxket's mental state es; especially knowing Steve's feelings. But hey, he stopped it. Literally the bare minimum for any man but the bar currently in hell (looking at you Benson) so. Good on Steveioli.

Now with the heart-to-heart, I'm so glad Pocket was able to unload all that and actually have a good cry for once. And, for Steve, as much as I still find him kinda fishy (I still do think he has a hand in ruining their relationship, that he isn't as innocent or this knight and shining savior that he's showing. I just know Steve did something and pulled some strings so i don't trust him fully yet), he made some very good points. I do agree with what he said about Bentley. We can only really imagine what he went through with Hydra. And the point too where there are some parts Bison himself doesn't remember at all but his body and psyche do. We can sympathise and everything but we never truly understand it. Do I think Josiah is the only person who understands? I don't think so either. Not to discredit her experience or whatever but I don't think what she went through was entirely the same or close because I still do think she's still a spy got them (maybe that's me not liking her lol). But the fact is, she's the closest person who could understand, in Brennon's eyes anyway. Does that excuse everything he's done? Absolutely fucking not. But does that information change how I judge him? Of course. I still truly believe that there's more to this onion (because layers ha ha) than meets the eye. He still fucking fucked up and he still has so much work to do on himself before he can even have the chance to earn Pocket's trust again. But I can give him some grace, and understand that his mind probably wasn't in the best place at that time which led to bad decisions.

I saw some people claiming that Blair never truly loved Pocket, and while I can see why that seems to be the fact because he does have a shitty way of showing it, sometimes, we can't stop ourselves from hurting the people we love (to an extent obvs. if they cheat & are abusive & toxic etc. leave their ass. but again, in the context of the fic, it's definitely more complicated than that). That's just reality. But what truly matters is what we do after the fact. Not that it makes it okay, I'm not saying that at all. It's still not an excuse to hurt people and be a shitty person. What I mean is that not everything is as black & white as it seems. In this case, there's no such thing as 100% evil and 100% good (except Judas who has a special place in hell). These are flawed, broken, and complicated characters, and you the amazing writer has shown that greatly. So we should all take that into account instead of just saying this person is 100% wrong so he deserves to die, or This person is 100% right so I'm just going to support everything they're doing no matter the consequences even if it hurts other people. So I do think he truly and utterly loves Pocket with everything that he is, but when you've got someone who's out of his time, has so many issues, isn't in the best mental and emotional state, has been through so much trauma and has self-destructive tendencies, do we really think he knows what to do with such a powerful emotion? Better yet, he does love her, but in this case, it's just not enough. Love isn't the only thing that keeps a relationship healthy after all. But I will say, that love will also be the one that will push him to do better.

Now, with Mr. Bunana and his Audacity to barge onto Pocket like that. The hypocrisy is outstanding. Gold medal worthy. But then again, he did see them leave the party after basically humping each other on the dance floor, he did see Steve leave her bedroom and he did see Pocket in Steve's shirt. When you're already insecure as hell and have fucked up one too many times, I can't blame him for jumping to conclusions. I also can see how distraught he was though, and not to be mean, but he does kinda need this for him to wake the fuck up. And again, the audacity to cause a whole scene about it too as if he has any right. But, unpopular opinion, I don't see an asshole at all. I see a broken man who's spiraling out of control and is hitting rock bottom as we speak. He's grasping at straws, he has no idea what to do with himself, and he's lost everything, and for a man who's been at war for the last 70 years, what's the one thing he knows best? Fighting. So, he fights.

The toxic masculinity was so on point. When Pocket picked up the water I was cheering this whole time lmao. Absolute wild animals these men sometimes. She honestly should just have a spray bottle in hand, spray them when they act up. Also, that line about where's Steve hand was made me CACKLE. Like yes queen. They deserve to break each other's face a lil for thinking they can decide for Pocket and what she does with her body honestly.

Lastly, because goodness me this is long. We're off on this mission, and I really do share Tony's concerns (and he's so sweet and caring about Pocket. I'm glad he's by her side. Also can't wait to see how they met!) This mission is going to take a toll on Pocket more than she's going to expect. She's using this as a distraction with what's been going on recently, and that's not good. Because I don't think she fully realises the gravity of what she's about to go into. I'm thankful that Sam is there. But I just know, something about this mission is going to go so bad for Pocket. Maybe not physically, and the mission would end up a success, but mentally and emotionally? ESPECIALLY when she's already on a fragile state right now? Sigh. I won't like it, but shit about to hit all the fans.

Anyway. You're amazing as always. I always enjoy getting to pick at the details of your writing and it makes me giddy with excitement that I actually manage to nail some points hahaha. Keep doing what you're doing and don't forget to take care of yourself!

P.S. I love Sam and Pocket's friendship. I need more of them being best buds please and thanks.

— Jnon 🤍

Beloved Jnon, Please do not apologize for being "late!" It actually worked out in my favor, as I have been staying up too long into the night to respond to you, so this actually works well, because it's mid-day here and I actually got some sleep. Not enough, but I'm working on it lol. Reading Unwanted first thing in the morning sounds like a rough way to start your day! All the angst!

Yeah, Pocket had absolutely no reaction with Steve, lol. It was seriously all the MDMA, making her crave physical touch, and when she kind of came down more to herself and realized it was Steveoli who was doing the touching? Well, let's just say it was dryer than the Sahara down there, lol. Ah, the little details that don't make it into the finished work! I can confidently say though, that if Pocket hadn't stopped it, herself, Steve most definitely would not have. Steve needed to hear Pocket break down in front of him, to see how she was affected by all of this. It was a wakeup call for him, and it allowed me to say some of the stuff I wanted to say about Bucky's state of mind without having Bucky say it himself (because who could believe him?!?) In later chapters, we'll get some first-hand insight into what kind of experience Juggalo had with Hydra, herself, and how those experiences shaped her connection with Barnstormer (intentionally vague wording here). I so fucking love how you are on the same page with me re: Bucky's mental state and motivations. Fucking love it.

And he is 100% flawed in this fic. He's trying to navigate this new world he doesn't understand, with all these sexual and social rules he doesn't understand. And I'd like to take a moment to point out that, in my timeline, Bucky has maybe spent a fraction of the time in Wakanda that he does in the MCU. Like, right now, in the story, it's about 2019-ish, meaning our Bucket left Wakanda sometime in 2017, probably less than a year after the events of Civil War, meaning that our Bucky has not done NEARLY as much mental healing as Canon!Bucky. So, when Canon!Bucky tells Cap that he's a "semi-stable 100 year old man" in Infinity War (which I just rewatched last night for Unbroken research!), our Bucket is even less so.

Right now, if there's one thing he's absolutely sure of, it's that he loves Pocket. But you're right, love is not longer enough here. Not for the two of them, not any more. Pocket's already realized that, and Bucket's just starting to.

Let's talk Bucky Barnes and the Audacity of this Bitch! When he barged into Pocket's room to accuse her of sleeping with Steve, he definitely wasn't thinking about what he'd done. He was thinking about confronting evidence of the worst thing he could imagine. It was one thing for him to conjure up the idea in his head, but it's driving him absolutely crazy to see physical evidence of it with his own eyes (even if its just circumstantial physical evidence!). I want to say, though, that even after he thought they slept together after her party, HE DID NOT go running to Jackrabbit for comfort-- I think that's progress! :D Right now, all he knows is how to fight, and how to hurt-- himself, and other people. It's all he's done for 75 years. Pocket was beyond livid over the two of them fighting about her, without really seeming to care about her-- just who got access to her body. Girl lived that life too long as a child; she was done with it long ago. I do like to imagine, though, that after she and Sam left, Bucky and Steve started fighting again, but this time they're all wet from being dowsed in water, so their shirts are sticking to them, and the fight is very homoerotic.... Finally, Tony's concerns for Pocket are very, very valid. He's kind of forcing her to regress, and he's really scared about what that might do to her mentally. Not to mention, she's putting herself in a dangerous position where women are being kidnapped and trafficked. He's got the utmost faith in her; it's just everyone else he doesn't trust. I love getting your messages, I love discussing the story with you! It makes me so happy! I promise there's one more good Sam/Pocket scene!

[lurkingshan]

The Eighth Sense 9&10

Gosh Jae Won looks so sad

Yesssss therapist call him out. Avoiding Ji Hyun is not helping anyone. Hurting and confusing someone because you want to avoid hurting and confusing them - this logic never holds up.

Joon Pyo calling him narcissistic 🤣 You’re right though, Ji Hyun

Ae Ri giving such good advice you truly are a queen👑

Ji Hyun has the best friends. They’re kind, empathetic, supportive. He’s lucky to have found them so quickly.

No Ji Hyun don’t let Eun Ji get into your head!

The hands!!! I am screaming

Yoon Won really feels clueless sometimes, geez. Can she not see that her friend is traumatized? Why is she making him relive the trip? And yeah clearly she is going through her own stuff but ma’am look outside yourself. Even in the state he’s in, Jae Won sees her pain and responds and I wish she could do the same for him.

Jae Won please stop letting this girl hang all over you, she is so manipulative and you must know exactly what she’s doing. Also pretty disgusted with her trying to get him into bed when he’s in this state. She’s despicable.

Oh poor Ji Hyun, that was awful

Yes Jae Won you are being cruel to Ji Hyun at this point. Sit with it, process it, do something about it. That little smile when he stops in front of Ji Hyun’s restaurant - that felt like him making a decision.

Detective Joon Pyo!

Ji Hyun giving him a camera and a sketch 😭

Time to dump her, Jae Won! Yesssss I knew it

She really was a cheater, huh? I’m not surprised.

I like that Jae Won has snapped out of it and now recognizes that allowing himself to slide back into things with Eun Ji was him actually being out of his mind, whereas being with Ji Hyun was real.

LOVE Jae Won going to boss lady for advice. He seems so much lighter just having ended it with Eun Ji.

Not Ji Hyun flashbacks my heart can’t take it

IS THAT CONAN GRAY OMG THIS SHOW IS TRYING TO KILL ME

Omg I’m crying he went to him!!!

THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

This bed montage… how am I supposed to recover

Aww Ji Hyun is still scared

Jae Won reassuring him so clearly, these boys have communicated

Joon Pyo gave them the room for the night, what a great pal

They’re so cute how do I live how do I function

Jae Won looking at Ji Hyun with naked adoration, teasing him about using banmal, putting his jacket on him… I may never recover

I love Ji Hyun asking for clarity, and them talking so openly about why they’re happy. Healthy kings!

Aww yay, glad something good happened for Yoon Won.

Not Ji Hyun admitting he doesn’t actually care about surfing 🤣 and calling Jae Won out on pretending to need a lighter 🤣🤣

Ji Hyun is low key a little scared to part from Jae Won and I get it

Yes Ae Ri put it together!!! I love her, she is officially my favorite woman character in a bl

Jae Won looks so much better. Just putting an end to denying himself Ji Hyun has done wonders for his mood.

This asshole is actually asking for an apology from Jae Won? Get fucked, Tae Hyung

Ahh Jae Won you need to cut this toxic friend out of your life. But we can’t expect him to change his entire personality in a day. And I do like this explanation for why Jae Won keeps him around - he is comforted by his lack of filter and mask. He always knows where he stands with him, and maybe admires a little that he’s so open.

Jae Won openly smiling at Ji Hyun in front of everyone, we love to see it

They gotta figure out when their day one is, this is very important in dramas!

Yesss Bit Na drag him!!!!

Jae Won if you did not actually mean to come out to Yoon Won you need to be more subtle than that 🤣

Yoon Won and Joon Pyo… I’m picking up a vibe

Jae Won is so much kinder to Eun Ji than she deserves

“I want to be alone with you” 👀

Ji Hyun’s endless list of cheesy couple stuff he wants to do is honestly so cute

Hahaha I knew it

“I have no time to think about anything but you”

Ji Hyun, gracious in victory. Not totally buying Eun Ji suddenly being this chill in defeat, though.

T8S is unfortunately doing the very common kdrama thing of giving shitty characters unearned redemption at the end. Tae Hyung and Eun Ji deserved to be cut off, not receive forgiveness they absolutely did not earn.

Ahh that ending was nice. Ji Hyun coming into his confidence - emotional and physical - is such such a great place to leave that character.

I absolutely loved this show. Episode 9 was the peak for me - that was such excellent emotional catharsis and every moment of it felt earned. The final episode was not perfect - some annoying kdrama tropes reared their heads and I thought tonally it was a little too celebratory - but overall I am ending this series feeling fantastic. What a great ride.

[mini-sae]

Her hero :

Homelander was watching the news and rolled his eyes.

Another fucker were robbing a bank, and of course, was too stupid to suceed.

- I guess I have to save the day, again. - He says tiredly while standing up.

- That would be great. Thank you, says Ashley with that disgusting smile.

He went out and flew to the bank. Cops were everywere, trying to control the situation. And people to watch the chaos. Like always.

He sighs and puts his best smile on his face.

- Hello everyone ! I'll be out in a minute.

He went it and when the shooter aimed his gun at him, he turned him to ashes.

There were screams everywhere.

- It's alright. You people can go. Go, go, go.

But of course, everyone stayed. Gathering around him like bees around a pot of honey.

Everyone, except you.

He only saw your back. You were slowly walking towards the exit.

- Thank you, Homelander.

- Yes, thank you so much !

He aknowledged them with a btight smile but he kept his attention on you.

He just saved your fucking life. And you just leave ? For all he know, you didn't even take a look at him.

- You're welcome people. I have to go now. Take care of you all, you're the true heroes.

He can't remember how many times he said those words.

The cops were there to welcome him outside. But he was looking around him.

You were walking on the sidewalk, going only God knows where.

After taking the compliments of everyone, he rised in the air and flew slowly in the sky.

Instead of going back to Vaught, he was following you.

He saw you going into an old building. He used his ears and his x-ray vision to see where your apartment was.

He watched your face with fascination. You were beautiful, even he had to admit that. But you were crying. So softly.

Of course you were scared. All humans are scared in that kind of situation. But still. He deserved a thank you.

He landed in front of your window and knocked.

He heard you gasping before approaching to unlock your window.

- Homelander ?

- Hello sweetheart. Are you okay ?

You looked so surprised, to his contentment.

- Yes, I'm okay. But why are you here ?

- Oh I saw you leaving and I just wanted to make sure that you weren't hurt.

That's not why he was here of course, but saying those words, he finds himself concerned about potential injuries.

He scanned your whole body and winks at you.

- Nope. All good.

You blushed and ran a hand through your hair. He inhaled your scent and sighed.

- May I come in ?

He could hear your heartbeat going wild.

- Why ?

Homelander struggled against the urge of bursting into your home.

- Just to talk a little. You just went through something traumatic.

- I'm fine, don't worry. Actually, it's not my first robbery. - You said with a sad smile.

- You've been a hostage before ?

He should get so mad at you for not letting him in your home, but his curiosity was too much.

- Yeah. A few years ago.

- Where ? Maybe I saved you that day too.

- No, you didn't.

You sounded annoyed.

- It's okay. You're not to blame, of course. It's just that it didn't end well for everyone.

Oh I see. Well I'm sorry.

- Don't be. But thank you for today, really. No one got hurt. I mean none of the hostages. That was good work.

You said that with a tender smile.

Homelander was taken aback. He had your thanks, but it didn't really matter now.

For unknown reasons, he's angry that he wasn't there the last time. What if you got killed during that robbery ? What was he doing that day ?

And you said that he did a good work. Not that he should care, but you praising him stirrs something in him.

- Well I'm glad you survived. Both times. Try to be careful.

He didn't wait any answer before leaving in a hurry. He needed to go back to something he knows.

But even shaming the fuckers at Vought didn't entertained him. He couldn't stop thinking about you.

He was watching the news again. They were talking about his good deeds and people were cheering for the America's hero.

That usually put a smile on his face, but not today. Today, he just wanted to be your hero.

And from now on, he will not leave you ot of his sight ever again.

[absolutely-normal-about-x]

Silly idea :3

Also I also believe that the reason why Volnutt didn’t tell Roll and Barrel the whole main gate mess is because he’s absolutely shaken and possibly traumatized by what happened. I mean, the reason he didn’t do anything while Juno was doing his own thing was because it literally shocked him to the core. Watch helplessly as Juno was basically going to wipe everyone off the island and there was nothing that he couldn’t do to stop it. Oh, Data happened to drop the fact that he used to be a completely different person back then. And at one point needs to become him.

However, he is also terrified that if he becomes Trigger, his memories, personality, and experiences as Volnutt cease to exist. Gone, just being replaced by his former self taking the wheel. A fear that weighs heavily on his heart. He can’t leave everyone especially now he discovers his biological family that loves him dearly. He keeps these insecurities from everyone not wanting to burden them with this knowledge. It haunts him, if not doing anything to stop Juno from killing everyone. So he acts that everything is fine and dandy. Plus he doesn’t want his Dad and siblings to worry so it’s fine But in reality it’s slowly eating him from the inside.

X eventually hears about the incident on the island from Roll. When she brings up when Volnutt returns from the main gate he was completely shaken, never telling her and Barrell what went down. This actually made him worry about what the boy saw. Eventually he asks Volnutt about it out of concern, Volnutt freezes and just says that it’s been resolved so he doesn’t have to worry. But X knows it’s bullshit, it’s an excuse to avoid the subject he’s hiding something. X isn’t mad at him it’s just he worries for him regardless of it and says there’s nothing to be ashamed of telling, seeing that it’s been eating inside of him for some time now.

Volnutt hesitates before finally giving in and begins to tell X what really happened at Main Gate, the mess with Juno, how he almost let everyone die for not reacting quick enough and the reveal of his past identity as megaman trigger. He didn’t notice the tears shed while telling the story. When he finishes, he notices the tears and quickly tries to apologize only to be stunned. The expression on his Father's face was met with pure Horror and sadness in his eyes mixed with other slew of emotions. Volnutt apologizes only to be cut off by his father saying to never apologize about this! It was good for him to tell him but also pulls him in for a hug.

He continues to say that he should have never gone through this. He’s never a burden for him and his siblings, it’s okay to cry, it's better than bottling up everything! He’s here for his child no matter what!! He’s sorry that he wasn’t there to help him at the time, he should have been the one to fight Juno, not him. Even if it took place before they met. He’s sorry that he couldn’t protect him, his child already suffered so much. He deserves so much better

It was those that Volnutt finally broke down for the first time in months after the Main gate incident. He screamed, wailed as loudly as he could. Finally letting all of those repressed emotions and thoughts out in the open. All while his father embraces him, rubbing his back and hair giving his child the comfort that he so desperately deserves. It’s been like that all night before Volnutt finally tires himself out to sleep. X tucking him in before heading back to the kitchen finishing the dishes before sitting down on his chair.

Elysium ... .such a cruel irony that the name of the paradise for Humans and Machines to coexist that he dreamt so long ago is the bane of this era’s earth to suffer, especially his own child. Why…why him? Why does his loved ones suffer the most instead of him?

In the Morning Volnutt wakes up remembering what happened yesterday. It was embarrassing to cry in front of his Dad. But at the same time I felt comforted…is this how it feels to have a Parent? It feels nice. The scent of breakfast was strong enough to snap him out of those thoughts. Going down stairs he's greated of the sight of his Dad making breakfast…huh this is the first time he ever sees him cook. His father turns around giving Volnutt a warm smile telling a good morning and making food, comments that he’s a lil rusty on the cooking but hopes that it’s good. Putting the plate of slightly burned bacon, eggs and extremely fluffy pancakes on the table.

Volnutt smiles, thanking him for yesterday. Sitting eating the food one bite then…scarfs it down. It’s good! Decent but nonetheless good! X sighed, sitting down ruffling his hair affectionately.

Enjoying this quiet moment between father and son.

[georgieluz]

i'm 3 days late but i'm finally answering @lamialamia

so my overall thoughts of the pacific are that i really enjoyed it (is enjoyed the right word? can you really enjoy the significant trauma of watching episodes 4-7 back to back and losing your three favourite characters all in one go? i don't think you can) but i did love a lot of things about it! the cinematography and production was outstanding. i knew it would be, but the way they shot the whole show was really something special! those battle scenes being shot like a very well made horror flick really did something to me. one thing i really wish we got more of was time with the men. i feel like we didn't get deep enough into their characters and personalities, outside of the main three ofc, especially after being told a lot more about certain men and what they were really like outside of how the show portrayed them (eddie jones and his guitar deserved better!!!!!)

but despite that, i still became hopelessly attached to a good few of them. stupidly, ack ack became the love of my life and now i'm probably ruined for life, so that's nice. thanks for that, life. i actually adore eddie jones and obviously, as we all know, i'm way past feral for hoosier over there. i think when i rewatch the show, i'll gain a lot more appreciation for other characters too (though i do already love most of them). i really liked the inclusion of lena's story, she became one of my favourite characters at the end. i was less into leckie's mostly fake love story but i understand they did it for narrative purposes and to sort of give his actions when he was acting up a trigger point.

my favourite thing from the series was definitely ack ack. and eddie. i don't know what it is about those two but they just awoke something in me and now i can't let go. i desperately needed more scenes of them but every ack ack scene gave me something electric so he's probably my favourite thing about the series. i also really liked how close leckie's unit was, they didn't have a thousand scenes or anything massive, but there was something incredibly comforting about the lightheartedness they gave each other that covered the traumatic experience they were all going through. i truly believe those dear vera letters and leckie reading them to his boys were a tool for them all to process what they were seeing but in a way where it could still be passive and not too heavy. i would have liked to have seen more scenes of them all, maybe in place of some of the melbourne romance stuff, but i get why it was the way it was. i appreciated that the show didn't shy away from the absolute horrors of war and even though it only covered things briefly most of the time, it definitely hit a lot of the different nuances involved and i think it did it in a subtle enough way that it actually settles into your brain permanently.

most trauma? i think we all know the answer to that since i've been crying about it since my episode 7 liveblog. honestly, i'm just pretending that episode 7 never happened and all is fine in the world. but i also think that watching eugene's arc killed a part of me inside, it kinda broke me watching him go from this innocent kid who was desperate to serve to being utterly disenchanted and disillusioned with his purpose and everything he thought he knew and believed. his story kinda cracked open my heart in a way i wasn't ready for.

sunshine and happiness.. ack ack being the most wholesome captain ever and basically just taking up residence in my heart. but also i really enjoyed gene and sidney's friendship, they didn't really have many scenes together but it made me happy that despite them never being able to see the world the same again after everything they went through, they both made it home and they had each other. also, i don't even know why, but burgie became one of my favourite characters so that part where he hugged his dad and his brother after getting off the train made me fucking sob with relief. i don't know why but it hit me real hard and i know that's not exactly sunshine and happiness but he made it home and he married his australian sweetheart and he was my favourite in the interview sections and so i just felt this overwhelming amount of relief and happiness for him.

we don't talk about the ass flash

[tightjeansjavi]

How’re you feeling babe?

Adding to the iud conversation bc I don’t know a single person who hasn’t had a traumatic experience w them- having a successful iud placement was still one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life. It’s been awesome to have. But definitely wasn’t worth it. I got it a couple days after I turned 18, I was given zero information about the process, I couldn’t find anything negative about it. This being at a clinic with all women staff that heavily advocate for iuds and use them themselves.

Because I was 18, and had a couple of decently sized tattoos that I more or less napped through, I treated them like they would be the same kind of physical trauma. Eating a substantial meal before hand and hydrating as much as I could. Otherwise I was completely clueless. So I drive myself there (they asked about this but didn’t say anything which still baffles me). I’m supposed to go to work after my appointment. The first thing they ask is if I’ve taken any kinds of medication before hand, give me 800mg of ibuprofen, and send me to wait.

The placement went perfectly fine. And still no one tells me what to expect afterwards other than that I might have some mild cramping and that I could leave whenever I was ready. I was in so much shock that I was completely numb and left way before I should’ve. I didn’t make it to checkout before I needed to sit down so I didn’t pass out. I didn’t make it to my car before threw up in the parking lot. By this point the pain started to kick in. My 10 minute drive home took over 30 minutes from the amount of times I had to stop on the side of the road to vomit from the pain alone. I called into work crying (at this point I was still working my first job at a family owned business where calling in was more or less quitting). I was in too much pain to leave bed for at least the next day. As an insanely anxious teenager I really thought something had gone wrong and I was dying.

10/10 do not recommend. Would not do again. And I am dreading the day I have to get this pulled out of my body. I tried to get it taken out early (at 5 years instead of 7 or 8 or whatever) and my doctor refused unless I was planning on having kids 🤠

All in all, having a successful placement, imagining what it would be like to have something go wrong, I can’t even comprehend what you’re going through. It’s mentally taxing without having the physical component attached. Make sure to take the time to treat and take care of yourself. You deserve all of the best things in the world. 🩷

Nonnie,

I’m so sorry that I am just seeing this now 😭

I am feeling a lot better than I was last week, but still pretty upset (I’m just doing a good job of hiding it) I have no words to describe what you went through, and I am so so sorry that you had such a traumatic experience ☹️ I’m hearing more and more horror stories about people get IUD’s and I definitely don’t think I will be getting one in the near future after what happened to me, but maybe down the road. I wish that we didn’t have to worry about the possibility of getting pregnant and have to pump our bodies with hormones that actually have done more harm than good (in most cases) I’ve been taking the birth control pill since I was 17 and while it has helped me in some capacity (cramps, heavy bleeding, acne) it’s definitely also had a long lasting negative effect on my mental health.

I appreciate you so much for sharing your experience, and I hope your removal process when the time comes, goes smoothly!

-Gi

[fairycosmos]

Can I get your opinion on my cat Stanley? He died a week ago I think, not even a year old. It really traumatized me bc my other cat died almost a year ago and I don't know what I did to deserve it of either of them. Stanley was named that bc he loved drinking water from a faucet and it reminded my siblings of the movie Holes, the scene where Mr Sir is like "Thirsty, Stanley?"

I really do miss my boy so much and I don't think I've been able to say much about him bc i distanced myself, as it took me 2 weeks of non-stop hardcore crying and being unable to breathe for me to somewhat accept my cat's death last year, so this one was even more of a struggle.

The main thing stops me from grieving too much is that Stanley was literally fearless. He should've been like a normal cat, afraid of cars, but he wasn't so I can't get mad at him for not being here anymore. I know he loved me bc the day before he died, he must've known something was gonna happen bc he jumped up next to me on the bed, came up to me, sat in my lap, kissed my face, let me kiss his head, purr, and not leave me alone for a while before he went to my little sister and did the same with her. 🥺

I'm not trying to make this sad or anything, just wanted to ask what you'd think of him, given my description of him?

-Lyle

ohhh lyle i am so so sorry that you are going through this right now :( the pain of losing a pet is so real and so awful. he looks like such a wonderful, well-loved and well cared for little angel. i especially love his eyes and the pattern of his coat - what a sweet little love. and what a great name, too. unfortunately i think during grief our minds try to make sense of the mourning by turning to familiar concepts such as self-blame, or pondering questions without an answer as a distraction or a way to make it all seem clearer - i.e, what did i do to deserve this? the answer is nothing. the answer is horrible things happen without reason to lovely people and lovely animals all the time, and it is horrifically unfair. it is very clear just from this message alone that he loved you just as much as you loved him, that you guys had a really special bond that can never be taken back or lost fully. the reaction you're having, the crying and the grieving and the depth of the hurt, is completely understandable. esp when the death is so sudden and unexpected - it takes time to move through these emotions. the coping mechanism of distancing yourself from talking about him and your other cat is very common, and i think it's a good sign that you're able to share him with me and recognize all the love that exists between you two. i hope you have good people around you who you can begin to open up to about this - maybe your sister, who clearly cared for stanley like you did. honestly, if the mourning continues to be hard to deal with, i would even consider talking to a counsellor about if i were you. just to have someone to unload all these feelings and verbalize what you're going through. i know that's a big and complicated step, but it's ok to need help dealing with this sort of thing for real. mostly i hope you're able to find ways to remember him and honour his life as yours goes on, even just by remembering him as he was - adorable and deeply appreciated. if you ever wanna talk about him, share stories or more about his personality or pics when you're ready, i would love to hear it. i hope he can rest in peace, poor little guy. :( sending you a massive hug. x

[burningrebelsworld]

I've not been in a good place mentally. I find my mental health deteriorating day by day. There are too many things I'm struggling with. I feel so bogged down, constantly in my fucking head, I just want to jump off a cliff tbh. Childhood trauma really fucks you up like nothing else? It has been resurfacing and i find myself crippling and spiralling. I can't imagine how my 12 year old self must've coped up with it.

When I was really tiny, I was extremely wise. I used to behave like a 50 y/o when I was barely 10/11, carrying the guilt, the shame and the baggage of my abusive family. I was often appreciated and praised for being mature. I was deeply conditioned to please all my family members. I would be patted whenever I gave into their decisions, let them choose for me and went with their choices. Everytime I spoke up for myself, took a stand, I was criticized.

I don't know if it's my Neptune and chiron in the 4th house or Lilith and Capricorn in the 4th house, but my childhood was a nightmare. It was so traumatic that my body panics even today when I think about it. As a family ritual, my family would engage in fights everyday where 10 people would yell at each other at the top of their voices.

I have always been a sensitive child with deep emotional wounds, I often found myself taking the role of a mediator, trying to calm them down. I could not stand conflict. I hate conflict. I hate fighting with someone. It triggers the fuck outta me. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I'm 22 now and nothing has seemingly changed.

I feel terrible looking back, knowing I was never allowed to live my childhood like other kids. I don't know what people love about their childhoods. Why they'd want to be kids again. I would never go back if I had a time machine. I have always wanted to grow up, I'm so grateful I did. I can't wait to be financially independent.

I slipped into depression after my family kept taunting me about wasting my university fee. I was called a disappointment and a waste of space. Why are people allowed to have kids when they don't know how to raise them? Why am I surrounded by so many narcissists who rely on so-called "reputation" and would rather let go of their dreams to do what the society expects them to do?

I don't know where to start healing. I am such a mess. I hate being here. I hate I ever desired to reincarnate in this household. Honestly? Give me my childhood back. I fucking hate this. I don't want to be responsible. I grew up too quick. My mind can't catch up to all the stress. I just want to be there for myself and do something that makes me happy.

Also, in my observation I've found that narcissists never change. I once told my mom I wanted to die and had a panic attack, I fell on the ground crying and begging her to talk to me. She was so numb. She told me I should stop crying if I didn't want the neighbours to think my family was inflicting some kind of pain on me.

Words will never do justice to the sleepless nights I've spent, being there for my parents when they should've been there for me instead. I'm so bitter, hateful and vengeful. I will not forgive them for what they did. I will not forgive them for passing their trauma onto me. I will not forgive them for snatching my childhood away from me, for dismissing my PTSD, for treating me like shit when all I deserved was unconditional love.

You know what sucks the most? When you've been through so much and still choose to love, trust and fall for someone? But they end up repeating the same cycle, treating you like doormat, mirroring your wounds and taking advantage of you. Breaking you in infinite ways. Healing is so painful. Healing comes at a huge price. I don't know what's easier. Hoping to heal, or wanting to fucking die.

I'm sorry for the vent, I needed an outlet.

[heybuddythatsnotok]

there are two types of nice people in this world.

the first type is traumatized. they’ve experienced pain you couldn’t imagine. bullied their entire life. filled to the brim with anxiety. they have Daddy Issues for sure. they never talk about their issues. they hide them, put on a smile. they refuse to go to therapy. you’ve never seen them cry. if you have, not for long because they probably ran off to hide. they are really sweet, thoughtful, sensitive. quiet and calm. they never get angry. if they do the tiniest thing, like accidentally snap at you once, the will feel so bad. they will write you a long ass apology letter, paired with a drawing and a gift. they always make sure you feel loved. because they know how it feels to be treated like shit. they’ve worked hard but received nothing for it, so when anybody does the smallest favor for them, they make sure that person knows how grateful they are. they remember everything you say, every important date, they’re always on time if not early. they are probably extremely talented at something, but never show it. the might be an amazing singer, but never even hum in front of people. they might be an excellent artist, but never show you their work. they never share their problems, but they will put all their effort into helping you solve yours. they are the best listeners. but they were never shown enough love. they deserve the world.

the second type is kind because they weren’t traumatized. they were never bullied, but they also were never the bully. they have good parents who love them. they don’t worry often, they don’t need to. always in a good place. had a good childhood, went to a good school. they may have ups and downs, but nothing severe like depression. so they’re kind, because they have no reason to be unkind. probably sheltered, not too sheltered, but they’ve never had to think about really horrible stuff. they are confident but not overconfident. they might have mild anxiety from time to time, but it’s never gotten really bad. people love them. they have tons of friends, always have. some people are jealous of them. no one hates them, why would they? they never show off. they help people when they need it. they aren’t sensitive and quiet like the first type. they live a good life. they know that, they think they know that at least. but they may never understand what some people go through. and that’s ok. they don’t need to. they were raised to be nice, unlike the first type who taught themself to be kind.

[memoriesofthecircularroom]

hey i personally disagree with that take you made, but i know the context and im not upset or disappointed or going to bitch about it like a lot of others. youre human. youre not infallible. sometimes what you say may come across as bad and thats okay. you dont deserve to be dogpiled and harassed for it. every single person whos been on your ass has probably made mistakes like that before, mistakes that caused someone harm. youre not a bad person for it and im sorry that people are acting like you are.

also, the idea that broad, blanket statements like "some traumagens are endo" isn't fakeclaiming. you arent going up to someone and going "hey, youre not actually traumagenic youre endogenic". youre saying its probably possible for someone to be wrong about what they experience.

i dont share my syscourse takes publically, so im going to go with ones from the rest of the system. non-disordered plurals to us are not systems, system is a term specfically meant for DD plurality. but those experiences are still real even if we dont believe they should be compared. in the same way a singlet could believe they are a system before realising theyre wrong, a non-DD instance of plurality could believe that they have a DD. It could happen.

the only reason that agreeing with that ask was hurtful is because a lot of traumagenic systems will jump at any chance to deny their trauma. like tim, one of our hosts, made an entire sideblog and asked a bunch of people their thoughts on whether or not we seem traumagenic. literally no one else in system agreed with him, but he was having a lot if self doubt. that self doubt came from the idea that "your trauma wasnt traumatic enough to be traumagenic". it actually came from the "stressgenic" label and him going "ok what if-" but the base idea is still the same.

if someone is a system, the trauma they went through was enough to be a system. it was enough to disrupt the integration of their egostates in childhood, that means it was traumatic. that is something we believe in and something that is so comforting to know (and also part of why we feel non-DD plurality should be seperate from systems but thats not the point)

but i still dont think you were wrong for agreeing, not necessarily. just because with the context you were having a really shitty time and you just wanted that asker to not get their satisfaction of "ooh evil ableist person who thinks some endos are actually traumagen doesnt believe in a 2 way street huh". and youre definitely not a bad person.

i hope that you have a good day and that this isn't getting to you too much

I think the last thing I’ll post on this topic. Thank you, Anon. This helped me greatly.

I try not to get TOO personal on this blog anymore (which is sort of messed up, given that this blog was made as a personal blog for me to connect to other systems and just record the things happening to me), but I want to address what this all did to me. The following is gonna be a trauma dump, so feel free to completely ignore this. I just have a lot of thoughts and want to give context and get them out on the blog that was SUPPOSED to be for these things.

Tw for sui ideation, sui bait, trauma dump, anxiety, etc.

I made a hurtful comment to some. I can see now how it could be hurtful, and I’m analyzing how this take and others could be. I’m willing to take the criticism and move on with better actions.

I’ve also almost thrown up due to the anxiety about this. I’ve been having issues opening tumblr without panicking. I’ve been needing to deep breathing each time I post.

Syscourse shouldn’t do that to someone. People shouldn’t do that to people. I understand how it can be hurtful, but every time I so much at glance at system things now, I see another vaguepost about how I’m bad, how I’m hurting everyone, how I’m a disappointment, etc etc. Even posting this ask is already making me cry.

When I posted the original long post, I was suicidal. I regularly am. It’s an issue I deal with daily. This time around, it was the worst I’ve been in a long time. I contemplated hanging myself at work. And that same day, someone reblogged my bait ask (an ask that I was too terrified not to respond to, due to the harassment I was getting, and would continue to get unless I responded.) They reblogged the ask, called the response disgusting (and I couldn’t understand why) and immediately I get anon hate. I was told to kill myself, and god, I wanted to. Why was I such a failure? Why did everything I say hurt people now? I had support on anon messages, but Everytime I look in. The syscourse tags, it’s people talking about how I’m horrible and transphobic and just.

I gotta stop on that topic because my heart is racing again.

And none of this happened with *discord*. I’m in a discord where we discussed my post. And it was a CIVIL DISCUSSION. Nobody insulted me - they just shared why people (including themselves) could be angry. They also heard me out! Some people agreed and some people didn’t. Nobody harassed me, nobody told me I should be dead. It opened my eyes a lot to how it was hurtful WITHOUT making my ideation even worse.

All this is to say… I think I may leave tumblr. Not forever. But when I can’t post a hypothetical ask for a situation that has never come up in my life, with an angry short response, but everyone else can post an enormous long angry response about how I’m a disappointment and a failure? There’s something wrong there. And I need to take a step back from syscourse before it kills me.

Thank you if you read this far. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection since OAS responded to me. I also apologize for the gendered insult - I use bitch interchangeably for anyone, as bitch and bastard are distinctly different connotations to me. I also did not know OAS’s pronouns. I apologize for insulting OAS at all - I let my anger get the best of me again.

I’m stepping away. Not forever. But I need to take care of myself.