#triggered myself and had to cut the post short lol

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ yeah, okay. maybe you're sad.

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm, mommy issues (dw there's A LOT of fluff and cuddles and hugging and it all ends up alright) this is just talked about but it can still be triggering!!!!! pls take care of yourselves!!!!!!!! my dms are open :)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ wasn't planning on posting this but i love validation. also, this is not like cannon ellie i guess?? i did a really bad characterization bc i used this as a vent and i just wanted comfort lmao. hope this still makes y'all feel seen or fucking something. btw this first part is really boring hehe, i wrote this when i was in a rush and in a train and i was tired and sad so i don't mind if it flops lol

i hate this so much idk why i'm posting this as my first pots. aghh. here u go ig. don't hate on me. bye.

(not proofread, sorry abt that)

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

you look so out of it

pull it together

we can love you

forever and ever

I've recently moved in with Ellie after weeks of looking for someone to move in.

I had checked other apartments, but this was the one that didn't smell like there was a corpse under my feet, hidden from the light beneath the floor and it didn't look like it was haunted by ghosts. The walls weren't chipping away, also, so that was a plus. There's no denying that getting used to living with someone else was difficult, but it was the only alternative to live away from my parents. Not to mention I had developed feelings for Ellie—she's beautiful, with those eyes and auburn hair, and her tattoos just make her look fucking badass.

After a few weeks, I settled in with her: we both have a routine, and established unspoken rules, and now it's comfortable living with her.

Tonight was a lovely night—I had already finished everything I had to do, and I didn't have an exam until next week, probably—until I got a call from my mother. I know I can't run away from this one. She always threatens to unroll me from college and take me home when I don't answer her calls. And I know she's capable of doing so.

“Hello?” I said as I went out to the kitchen, to take a glass of water.

“You know, most people say something sweet when they answer their mother.”

I roll my eyes, even if she can't see me. It was just a fucking hello.

“What happened, Mom?” I ask, not wanting to fight.

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

“Resources about what?”

“Therapy. Conversion therapy.”

It takes all of myself not to gasp, or cry. I don't know. I hear Ellie going out of her room, and walking towards the kitchen. I don't care if she's here; I haven't been caring about anything these past few days.

“Okay,” Is all you say. I don't know how to answer, or what to do. I leave the glass on the aisle with trembling hands.

“That's all you have to say?”

“I—I don't know what you want me to say.”

“‘Thank you’, maybe?” I stay quiet, I don't want to thank her, I don't want her to speak to me ever again. “You could also get therapy for, you know…”

“For what, mother?”

“The cutting. Your scars—I always thought they looked repulsive. No one is going to lov—”

I hung up before she could say anything else. I hate her. I hate my mother. I can't even believe she's a mother, let alone mine. I suddenly feel the need to hurt, and I hate to admit it, but my mother has always been right about the way they look—so I just shut my eyes and try to breathe. It always helps—deep breathing, that is. I have to remind myself that I'm clean. I've been clean for months. Maybe even a year, I lost count.

“You okay?”

Ellie's voice almost makes me flinch, already having forgotten about her. I open my eyes as she walks over to me and lays her elbows on the aisle, while I rest my back on the counter behind her.

I look at her, with a knot in my throat, “I'm fine.”

“Your mother…” She makes a pause, short enough to not make me go crazy, “Is she, like, a pain in the ass?”

I chuckle at that as I cross my arms, “Yeah.”

“If it gets too bad, you can talk to me. I don't mind. And my dad has some contacts, we can maybe scare your mother away.”

“It's okay,” I tell her with a smile. “I can manage.”

“I know,” She smiles, and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest.

Before I say anything I regret, I go to your room with my door open—a technique I've acquired to avoid hurting myself.

I sit at my desk and look up conversion therapy first, I want to know what this is all about—I know that it's harmful to people in the community, that it leaves you screwed and fucked up. I don't like what pops up on my screen, so I close the tab and go to another one—where I search for therapy. The real one.

I went to a lot of therapy sessions, but my mother was always behind them, so I don't know if it ever was effective. I like this one a lot better. It should be helpful. It will help, I know that for a fact.

I'm having dinner with Ellie, which we normally do—today we ordered, since we were hungry and it always takes a little while to prep a meal—when I think to ask her about the topic.

“Do you know any therapy center?” I ask her. “Or the number of a therapist? Whatever.”

If she's curious, she doesn't show it. She stops chewing on her food, then looks at me; then continues to chew, and after she swallows she speaks, “Sure, I have some friends that go to the same therapist, so it's completely trustworthy, I guess. I can ask for the number.”

I wipe my mouth with the napkin on my side, “Yeah, that'd be alright.”

Ellie takes a sip from her cup and then looks at me, “You okay, though…?”

“I'm fine, just—you know, making sure everything's okay.”

She nods, “Got it—I was just asking.”

After my first therapy session, I ended up tired. My therapist—which feels weird to say out loud and even in my head—is a nice lady in her thirties who looks like a hippie.

I've realized I tend to lie a lot—I didn't talk about self-harm or my mother. Or anything else, really. Just about the movie Speak, and then almost cried when talking about the weather.

So, “Yeah, it went well,” is my answer when Ellie asks how it went, sitting in her car. She picked me up since I had taken my car to maintenance.

“Okay, then,” she says once the car engine starts. She connects her phone to Bluetooth, and we listen to music for a while. Ellie places her hand on my knee when I start bouncing my leg, which sends shivers down my spine and gives my brain something to think of that isn't any of my shit. “Do you want to go eat something?”

“Sure,” I accept. Her thumb makes little circles on my knee. I wonder if she knows what she's doing, her eyes are still fixated on the road. My heart does the flutter thing that it did a few days back again, and my core heats up.

She doesn't want you, I try to convince myself. She's your friend, she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think she'll leave.

When we arrived at the restaurant, we ordered a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we wouldn't finish if we ate it separately.

When we arrive at the restaurant, we order a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we won't finish if we ate it separately.

“So, how's work?” I ask when we're waiting for our food.

“It's going well, I guess.”

“You guess?”

"I just hate my boss."

I furrow my eyebrows, “do you want to talk about it?”

“It's fine, he just sucks. But well, Jesse is postulating to—you know, be a boss; that fucker.”

I chuckle, “Well, I like Jesse.” I soon realize what I said, and my cheeks go red. “Not in a, uh, romantic way or anything. You know. Fuck. He's just nice.”

“Just nice?”

“I like you better than him,” I blurt out, which only adds to my embarrassment.

Oh, oh.

I like Ellie.

Fuck, yeah. You do.

Who am I kidding, I knew I did. From the start—from the first time she looked at me, for the first time touched my hand and spoke to me; for the first time she played guitar for me and made dinner because she knew how tired I was.

Ellie is flushed. I can tell.

“Oh, do you?” She asks with a grin.

The waitress comes with our food, and leaves the plate. I look at her, she looks at me at Ellie and then leaves.

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and lay my elbow on the table, with my chin propped up in my hand.

“What if I do?”

She bites her lip, looks at mine and then at the food, “The food's getting cold.”

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Did that actually happen, or was it my imagination? Holy shit. Shit! Fucking fuck.

It leaves me thinking, but my thoughts leave when I hear her laughter after I crack a joke.

We take the stairs up the apartment, and we laugh all the way up. We just laugh and laugh and laugh because she said something and now I'm almost falling to the floor from how much my stomach hurts.

“Stop,” I say when we get to our apartment door. I keep laughing because Ellie's laughing too and she can't open the door. “My stomach hurts.”

She looks at me and laughs. Idiot. I laugh, too.

“Hey!” We hear our neighbor say. “Quiet down!”

“We're sorry!” I exclaim back, as he closes his door.

Ellie giggles, “You're so fucking dumb, I'm not sorry at all.”

“Shut up,” I say.

“Oh, make me.”

And then—oh, god—and then, and then she looks at me as the curvature of my lips goes down, and then I kiss her.

I kissed her. I fucking did. Me, not her—not Ellie's brave and confident ass, but mine. The butterfly in my chest flutters harder when she kisses back. She puts both of her hands on my waist and deepens the kiss, while my hand moves from her cheeks to her neck, then finds its way to her torso.

Ellie manages to open the door without breaking the kiss, and then she shuts the door with her foot.

“We should—” I speak between kisses. “Ellie—couch.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay.”

Our tongues fight, but our souls mend and I find my way to her in every sense. 

[cozy-cinnamon-roll]

We Interrupt This Broadcast...

(Another two-part-er! Stay tuned for part 2 very shortly!)

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Pairing: Ler!Rosie, Ler!OC, Lee!Alastor (strictly platonic)

Content/Trigger Warnings: tickling, very brief blood mention, medical themes (non-graphic & painless). One comically graphic description of cannibalism (first paragraph). Also, this is set right after Alastor gets his ass handed to him by Adam, so you can expect a lil angst sprinkled in there (don't worry, he gets better).

If there are any trigger warnings you'd like me to add in the future (and/or to this fic), PLEASE let me know! I am always happy to oblige. 💕

This is a ticklefic! If that's not your cup of tea, kindly move along.

Ok... I'm gonna be honest folks, I have no idea if this fic is even coherent. This ain't my Best Work™ - this is literally the coping mechanism I've been relying on to put myself to sleep every night this week because HOLY SHIT my life is stressful at the moment. 😅

But anyway, I've decided I'm just gonna go ahead and post it, because 1) the world needs more lee!alastor, and 2) I'm not here to do my Best Work™, I'm here to write cute self-indulgent little stories about Alastor getting tickled to bits by his platonic wife. I'm here to decompress my hypervigilant ass at the end of long days by imagining my favorite endearingly creepy characters get wrecked by my other favorite endearingly creepy characters.

In summary, I'm here to have a good time, and I certainly did with this fic. So I hope you do too!

Featuring my new oc! (Rosie and Al still take center stage though, don't worry lol)

--------------------------------------------------------------

It's a little-known fact that cannibals make terrific doctors. When you spend every meal tearing the human body apart with your face, you end up with a pretty comprehensive intuition for demonic anatomy.

So Alastor supposed he should consider himself lucky to have Rosie and her loyal posse so close at hand after his battle with Adam.

He was certainly relieved when Rosie had stumbled upon him, barely conscious from blood loss on the floor of his wrecked radio tower - and especially a few hours later when, having been rushed back to Cannibal Town, he was whisked into a warm, familiar parlor and deposited on a comfy couch.

Within minutes Rosie had summoned a woman in a white coat who swooped in, produced a bottle of a strange, foul-smelling gel from her medicine bag, soaked a rag with it, and pressed it firmly against Alastor's wound. The searing pain evaporated almost on contact.

"What is that?" Alastor breathes, visibly relaxing against the arm of the couch he's propped against.

"Anesthetic." She begins preparing a needle and thread.

"Didn't know such a thing existed down here."

"Of course! We're demons, not barbarians," Rosie scoffs, watching from the sidelines.

Cannibals, as a rule, rarely last long enough to need a doctor, but Rosie is no ordinary cannibal. And Dr. Trudy Sawblade - a young surgical resident in life, and Rosie's personal physician in death - is the best of the best. While she hadn't quite completed her medical training before her untimely death, in Rosie's service she's gained more than enough experience to make up for her education cut short.

"That salve is derived from a distant cousin of the poison dart frog. Evidently most of the frogs are assholes, because hell has an downright enormous population of them." Trudy's voice is measured and matter-of-fact, with a soft lilt that is both soothing and vaguely unsettling. "Haven't been discovered on earth yet. Which is good, because one whiff of this would end a mortal life in a matter of seconds."

"Lucky you, you're already dead," Rosie chimes in cheerfully.

"Lucky me," Alastor murmurs, without conviction.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Truthfully, with the pain from his chest wound numbed, the weight of his recent defeat presses even more heavily on Alastor's heart. Someone - probably one of the cannibals who helped transport him from the rubble pile to Rosie's parlor - must have grabbed the broken microphone as they carried him out, because the fractured pieces are sitting on the side table at the other end of the couch. Under normal circumstances the awareness that someone had touched his staff without permission would spark a flash of rage from the Radio Demon, but now he can only stare dismally at what remains of his cane - aware that it's no longer capable of accomplishing much anyway.

It takes only a few minutes for Trudy to stitch Alastor back up and wrap his chest in a stretchy gauze. Meanwhile, Rosie quickly mends the worst of the tears in his clothes - if only to avoid having to watch her friend stare down the couch at his broken staff, with an uncharacteristic half-smile that damn near breaks her heart.

"Alright, sir, that should do it for now. It's a nasty gash, for sure, but the salve should keep it from getting infected."

"Thank you, my dear." He gives an appreciative nod to the surgeon, and Rosie too, as his fellow overlord hands him back his clothes.

"Can't have you going around with a big hole in your chest, can we?" Rosie steps back and scrutinizes her own patch job as he slowly dresses himself again. "It ain't perfect... especially for a classy fellow like you. But I'm sorry to report that I saw my tailor at a Sunday brunch just last week. Inconvenient, but I gotta admit, he made a wonderful casserole."

For the briefest of moments, this aside manages to tweak Alastor's smile into something vaguely genuine. "I'm sure he did."

"One more thing, Mr. Alastor, sir," Trudy jumps in as the radio demon pulls on his coat. "So sorry, I almost forgot. The angel also threw you against a wall, correct?"

At the recollection, Alastor's smile stiffens into something more closely resembling a grimace. His antlers rise between his ears. "Does it matter?"

"You may be at risk for internal injuries." If Trudy is at all fazed by inviting the most powerful overlord in hell's annoyance, it doesn't show. "I really ought to check, just to be safe."

Alastor looks away. As loathe as he is to even acknowledge his own fragility, he truly isn't sure of the extent of his own injuries - given that he's not used to receiving them in the first place. And he'd be damned (well, damned twice) if Adam had ruptured something vital, spelling the radio demon's second death a few hours after the fact.

He grits his teeth. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

"Lovely. If you could just lie back, sir..." As he obliges, she kneels beside the couch. "I'm just going to feel for any swelling..." Her hands hover over him-

"Er, wait." Alastor abruptly sits up.

"It's alright, I won't touch your wound!" Trudy soothes. "I'll just be feeling down here..." She gestures to his midsection (which elicits a sharp flinch).

"No, I-" He hesitates. "I'm... not sure this is necessary."

"Oh, Alastor, stop worryin'!" Rosie reassures him with a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Trudy is quite picky about her meals. She'd never go for venison."

"That's... not what..."

Alastor pauses, and evidently decides against trying to explain what he meant. He reluctantly lies back against the cushions again.

"I'm going to place my hands under your shirt, sir. If you feel any pain, please alert me."

"Very well."

As Trudy lifts his shirt, he looks like he is going to say something more - but whatever it is dies on his tongue the moment her hands make contact with his stomach. He brings one knee up sharply.

"Tender there, sir?"

"No! No, your hands are cold." His words have gone uncharacteristically stiff.

Trudy methodically probes one side of his belly, then the other (which in turn causes his other knee to pop up). This time when Trudy asks if he's in pain, he merely shakes his head.

The surgeon furrows her brow, concentrating. Human-animal hybrids like Alastor already take a bit of poking around just to get a sense for each unique configuration of organs. It doesn't help that the man is bracing for every touch...

"Are you sure this doesn't hurt, sir?" she murmurs tentatively. "You're very tense."

"Yes." The word comes out like a hiss. She glances at the radio demon's face. He's wearing his typical showman's smile, but his eyes are fixed on the ceiling with a weird, wide, unwavering stare.

Finally the surgeon sits back. "Well, I don't feel anything concerning. But to be honest, sir, I can't feel much of anything." She turns apologetically to her employer. "His stomach is all clenched up..."

But Rosie is simply standing there pressing a huge grin into her glove. She's known Alastor for decades. She can read his expressions like a magazine.

"Alastor, darling," Rosie drawls casually. "Are you ticklish?"

From the radio demon's reaction, you'd think she'd asked if he was an Exorcist. He scrambles to sit up. "No! Why would-"

"You're ticklish. That's..." She catches herself just before the word precious.

"...What?!" There's an edge of defensiveness to his voice that Rosie very rarely hears from him.

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"I'm not emb- That's not- what-" Oh, she's giving him that look. "I'm just- I wasn't-"

As he speaks, Alastor's voice suddenly goes thin. His gaze turns inward. "I'm stuttering. I don't stutter! I've never stuttered!" He clutches his coat closer around himself. "I am the RADIO DEMON, for heaven's sake, I don't sta-AHH! Haha-!"

Evidently a scribble to the ribs is a very effective way to interrupt a panicking demon. Rosie runs her fingers from his hip up his side to his arm and back a couple times for good measure.

The amount of startled laughter she is able to draw from just this surprise touch delights her - the poor man is so ridiculously sensitive that a five-second one-handed tickle leaves him fully breathless.

"Okay! Okay, okahay! Keheh- Rosie!"

"Sorry dear, couldn't resist." She holds her hands up, still beaming like a stadium light. "I'll stop torturing you."

Alastor clears his throat. "You're not torturing me, dearest." He straightens his bowtie, clearly attempting to salvage his dignity. "You know what I always say, laughter is a powerful sign of-"

He cuts off with a sharp inhale and defensive flinch as Rosie perches on the edge of the sofa beside Trudy. She grins.

"You're right. That's certainly your specialty, isn't it?"

Alastor forces a nervous chuckle. "Never fully dressed without a smile, you know."

"Well don't worry, darling. I understand." She pats his knee. "Just because you've got the scariest evil cackle in hell doesn't mean you appreciate having it tickled out of you."

Rosie had expected this assurance to put him at ease, but if anything, he seems more troubled.

"Why would I mind a little, ah..." Tickling. Tick-ling. He can't bring himself to articulate two syllables. Is this all he's left with without his staff? "...Er, a little bit of levity? Can't let things get too serious, can we?" With another quick cough, the radio demon finally manages to get his voice to fall back into his familiar breezy cadence. He turns to Trudy. "Now, are we... quite finished with that examination?"

"Nothing seems amiss, from what I can feel." Trudy takes a step back. "Which is not much, but I think I've already made you uncomfortable enough..."

"Nonsense! I'm perfectly at ease!" He lies back again and smooths his coat. "Please, finish your little checkup. I insist."

Trudy regards him curiously for a moment. "Right." Her hands hover over his belly again. "But if you want me to stop, sir, just say the word-"

"I assure you that w-won't be necessahary..."

Trudy watches him seize up before her fingers even make contact. This time she presses a little deeper into his belly, trying to feel around his defensiveness.

"You are punching holes in my couch," Rosie remarks dryly, watching the poor demon's claws bury themselves in the cushions.

"I kn... ohow, I'm just-" He squeezes his eyes shut as Trudy hits a particularly bad spot. And then another. And another... hell, his torso one big bad spot.

"What do you think, Trudy?"

The young doctor just shakes her head.

"Alastor. Darling. You have GOT to relax."

"I am!" Alastor's composure is dangling by the thinnest of threads.

"Maybe it would help," Trudy says, with infinite caution, "to just go ahead and laugh, sir."

A beat. And then Rosie bursts into laughter.

"Giving new meaning to the 'deer in the headlights' expression, my friend." She scoots closer. "I thought you just said you don't mind a little 'levity'..."

"I don't!"

"In that case. Carry on, Trudy - Auntie Rosie is gonna help our patient out a bit while you work."

Too late, Alastor realizes what his fellow overlord has in mind. "Wait, wait! Ros-"

A delicate set of nails find the region just under his ribs - and it's all downhill from there.

"Ah! Fuhuck!" Alastor chokes on a curse before he can catch himself. He twists sideways, collapses into muffled giggles, and briefly manages to pull himself together - just barely - with a few hyperventilated breaths. "Rosie, really! This isn't- please- ack! I can't-" There's that damn stutter again. He hadn't even stuttered when Adam slashed him.

And now, Great Alastor the Radio Demon, undone by some scribbles? And a medical exam?!

Meanwhile, Trudy can feel even less now than she could before, her patient's belly now quaking with silent, suppressed mirth. But she takes one look at Rosie's delighted expression... and continues probing anyway, curling a subtle little smirk of her own.

It seems Rosie has picked up on a slightly less tangible injury than anything Trudy can address. But fortunately, they've just stumbled upon a promising potential treatment.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Part 2 is already pretty much finished - my brain is just too mushy at this point to contend with Tumblr's shitty text interface any longer, and this feels like a good stopping point.

Lemme get a good night sleep and another dose of Prozac and I'll have the rest out shortly 😅

💜 - Cozy

[sakuracoloring]

Cami's Commentary! #10 - Random Stuff

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「ようこそ！」　。。。

Good morning/afternoon/night to whoever may be reading this! Sorry for being inactive TwT I haven't had much motivation to post :(

I'm thinking of maybe doing some posts on Matt Dillon (like his characters or hair idk), but Idk if I'll have motivation to do so. Let's see ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Here's some random things I feel like talking about/sharing :3

I was at the mall the other day (I needed some new shorts) and the moment I saw this mannequin, my mind just thought of Cherry lol :D Speaking of her, I'm honestly not a Cherry hater. I see a lot of people hating her especially since she didn't wanna go see Johnny in the hospital n stuff, but that could've been triggering for her (would you wanna see the person who killed your parent/grandparent/bf/anyone important to you?) so I don't agree with that being used as hate against her. I'm not her biggest fan though, like, there are other characters I like more (like Dally and Two-Bit, for example), but she still slays <3 (Also imo, Patty > Cherry)

I was at Ross yesterday and I found this shirt and I was so happy (it's just like me fr) but it wasn't my size ☹️☹️☹️☹️😭😭😭I'm gonna draw myself wearing it to see if I can fulfill this gunshot knife cut beating wound abyss that's currently inside of me rn

Also, here's a picture of the sunset (😨😨😨😨😨 stay gold ponyboy) at Universal Studios :3 It was too much of a pretty view for me to resist taking the photo lol (it looked way better irl though)

So yeah, that's pretty much it for today's yap session. Tysm for the attention, I really appreciate it <3

she's so cute

See you next time! ☆

-Cami

[seducemefanficsandheadcanons]

Soul Bound

Chapter Six- Master Manipulater

Also posted on AO3 and Wattpad!

Trigger warning for blood

Not proof read lol

Master manipulator

God, you’re so good at what you do

Come for me like a savior

And I’d put myself through hell for you

Hear all the rumors lately

That you always denied

Logical- Olivia Rodrigo

The next few days were quiet, the boys doing their part to clean up after themselves and staying out of Aron’s way. She’d hardly even seen Sam, and she couldn’t tell if it was because she was avoiding him or if he was also avoiding her. 

It’s for the best she would remind herself as she wiped the sweat off of her forehead. She was outside, practicing her magic despite the Chicago heat, wearing black knee length basketball shorts and a red baggy t-shirt. Typically, she would practice in the grand lobby, but she didn’t want to risk misfiring and hitting one of the incubi. Or to risk seeing them in general.

She focused her magic in her fingertips, shooting sharp energy at it and causing the bark to chip. She sighed, having hit too far to the side for her liking. She continued practicing, the kiss with Andrew still fresh on her mind. She tried to focus purely on her magic, but her emotions with Sam stirred in her chest.

“Oh? And what makes you so sure about that?” Diana asked her with a smug smirk, her eyes challenging. 

They were standing in the lobby where the succubus had come to persuade Sam to return with her. She’d gone as far as offering him the throne, to rule the abyssal plains with her. Aron had come out to confront her, to argue on Sam’s behalf. But that question made Aron freeze.

She didn’t know why she was so sure that Sam didn’t. She knew why she was sure she didn’t want him to leave, why he had argued to leave. She had fallen for him, there was no doubt about that. And as much as the three words she so badly wanted to say meant, it couldn’t stop him from leaving with her unless he reciprocated, and she was so confident he didn’t.

Aron looked at Sam, who’s eyes were glaring daggers at Diana.

“Oh, I see. You love him” Diana chuckled, obviously amused.

“Human, it doesn't matter how much you love him, he will never love you.”

Aron looked at her, her heart squeezing painfully. “I know,” she said, keeping her tone dry. “But that doesn't change anything.”

Diana's entire body started to shake with laughter. “Oh? It doesn't? You would fight this hard for someone who won't ever love you back?”

Aron could feel Sam's eyes on her, but she spoke before he could. “Yes. Because, even if he doesn't, I care more about his happiness. Leaving with you is not something he wants, so even if I wake up tomorrow and he's gone, I can live with that because he's happy. That's what love is, even when it isn't reciprocated. It's wanting what's best for them, even if in the end you can’t have them.”

The woman rolled her eyes. “You are pathetic, truly. And incredibly stupid. What is best for him would be to allow him to leave with me, someone who can fulfill his needs in a way a mere human could never. Him staying here is only hurting you and holding him back from his full potential. Stop fighting so hard for someone who doesn't, and never will love you.”

Aron opened her mouth to retort but gasped in shock when suddenly Sam's arm was wrapped around her protectively. “I love her.”

The memory was cut off by a sudden stabbing pain in the side of Aron’s throat. She yelped, blood gushing from the gash dangerously fast. 

She immediately stuck her finger in the wound, finding the cut in her artery and clogging it. She already felt a bit dizzy, but adrenaline kept her on her feet.

“Aron!” Damien suddenly rushed out of the mansion and over to her, panic written all over his face.

“I’m fine, I'm fine, my spell just ricocheted onto me” she told him quickly, trying to stay calm. Getting worked up would only worsen the situation. She started focusing her energy on the area, healing it carefully.

He watched her with wide eyes as she stopped the bleeding from her neck and hesitantly removed her hand. She healed the external injury next before sighing. 

“Are you alright?” Damien asked her.

She nodded, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, trying not to faint. “I'm okay.”

Aron slowly sat on the ground, a few feet away to not sit in her own blood. Not like it would back a difference, her clothes now covered in it. She laid back to recover from the sudden blood loss.

Damien didn't try to help, and Aron assumed it was because he could hear her thoughts; she didn't want him to try to touch her. Not because she thought he'd try to hurt her, but because she was overwhelmed.

He hesitantly sat by her. “Is there anything I can do?” His voice was soft and quiet.

She thought for a moment. She figured she could use a snack, but before she could decide to go get it herself, Damien was leaving to get it himself.

Aron couldn't help but silently scold herself. She let a memory impact her so much that she almost killed herself. Sure, she could heal herself and was fine, but it was the principle behind it. One of the first things she was taught in the hospital was to not let her personal life affect her treatment of patients, but now it was distracting her so much that she'd sliced open one of the most important arteries in the body. She was suddenly grateful that she was on a mandatory break.

Soon, Damien came back out with saltine crackers and water. He sat with her and held them patiently as she slowly sat up. “Thanks,” she said as she took them.

“You're welcome,” he told her, his eyes concerned as he watched her start to eat.

“When did you learn how to heal yourself?” he asked her quietly. 

“It was one of the first things they taught us in the med program I'm in,” she told him. “Can't heal patients if you're injured, and when you work in a hospital, that happens more than you'd think, at least at the kind I work at.”

He nodded. “I can see that. It's good they taught you. Was it hard?”

She shook her head. “Maybe a little at first, but I caught on pretty quickly.”

They settled on silence for a bit before Aron sighed, deciding to go get changed. Damien watched her as she stood up and turned to leave before he spoke. “You should speak to Sam.”

Aron froze in her tracks, pausing for a few seconds before continuing to walk again. She could already feel herself getting pissed, rage bubbling in her fingertips as she began to leave again. He must have had different plans, because he spoke again.

“You aren’t in love with Andrew.”

Aron furrowed her brows in annoyance and turned to face him. “Obviously,” she huffed. “I’m breaking it off with him.”

He hummed. “Why aren’t you giving it time? Humans typically take longer than a few dates to fall in love.”

She fought the urge to snap at him. “Yeah, I know.”

“So, there is another reason you are holding back. Are you in love with Sam?”

Aron glared at him. “I’m not having this conversation,” she told him before turning around.

“Diana put a spell on you.” Damien’s sudden claim made Aron’s entire body freeze, whipping around to face him again.

“No, she didn’t,” she said incredulously. “I would be able to feel it if she did.”

He sighed. “Not if it’s been there the whole time you’ve been learning magic. You’re used to it and recognize it like your own energy.”

Aron looked at him wide eyed, her mouth parted as she tried to find a retort. There was absolutely no way possible, he was just trying to manipulate her! He stood up, walking towards her. “I’m not. I can sense it, more so than my brothers because of my mind reading ability. It is affecting your mental state, making it so the lies she told to you were more efficient. It makes it near impossible to realize she was lying unless you were provided with concrete proof.”

Aron felt frozen in place, her breathing picking up. He had to be lying, right? 

Damien shook his head. “I know you won’t believe me. I don’t expect you to. But I think you should sit down and try to sense it.”

Aron rolled her eyes and walked away before she said something she’d regret. How dare he!? She rushed inside and to her room, grabbing clean clothes and immediately going to her bathroom to take a shower.

She washed the blood off of her body, unable to shake off her conversation with Damien. She sighed, he had to be lying. She would know if she had a spell on her.

But what if she wouldn’t know? If it was already there when she started to learn, would she ever notice something was wrong?

Aron closed her eyes in defeat; there was no reason not to try. She started visualizing the energies and magic in her body, her body tingling. She separated each one, more than she ever had before. Each aura was distinctive, she’d never seen them so clearly. She got dizzy from the effort and moved to sit on the shower floor.

The first aura she noticed was her life and soul energy. It was her existence and humanity, an energy all humans had. Typically, soul energy was pure and white, innocent as angles intended. However, in witches, warlocks, and other humans with magic, their soul colors would mix it. Aron’s was a warm purple, glimmering with the white.

The next and most potent energy in her body was rage, a strong and sharp aura that was red with blue tangled with it, sharp like lightning bolts. She had an overwhelming amount, the chief of the hospital told her once that she had a similar amount as a brute demon, thanks to an odd genetic mutation that became more recognizable with trauma. It mutated again after she started to get skilled, causing the self-defense zaps that had attacked Erik a few days prior.

Then there was emotional energy, a mix of colors and various shades. It was smooth and gentle yet large and consuming.

Looking at the emotional energy led her to see one she hadn’t recognized prior. It was maroon, whipping her emotional and rage energy, provoking it. It also had conduit-like limbs that attached itself to them as well, dripping itself into them. It reminded Aron of an IV drip in a way.

Is this the spell Damien was talking about? As soon as Aron had the thought, it began to shrivel, attempting to cling onto the others desperately. She gasped softly, remembering what Damien told her.

It makes it near impossible to realize she was lying unless you were provided with concrete proof.

Aron watched in shock, her body burning in agony as the spell pulsed and wreathed, attaching itself to anything possible and failing. The maroon became a dark brown and began to shatter, the shards fading into nothingness. She could no longer focus enough to watch, the pain in her body becoming too much. It was like someone was taking a small knife and stabbing every inch of her body over and over. The spell tried to stay in despite her magic forcing it out as Aron laid on the ground, shaking and sobbing. She needed this to stop, just stop.

All of the sudden, her pain subsided. She was still laying on the floor, lukewarm shower water spraying over her trembling body. It felt like she was thinking logically about the boys for the first time in years, but…

She still didn't know if she believed them.

Sure, she had evidence that Diana had used magic on her, but that didn’t explain why the boys left! Unless Diana didn’t give them a choice, Aron thought to herself.

Oh god, what if that’s what happened?! She’d been treating them horribly! She found herself arguing back and forth, completely unsure of what to believe. 

It was the first time she’d even considered the possibility they didn’t have a choice.

[penelopecruzcoded]

we're finally onto crystal castles and it's unearthing so many buried memories. i found crimewave on somebody's blog or myspace or something i no longer remember, and i instantly knew i was hearing some kind of movement i had never heard before, an entirely new kind of music, those bouncy, springy 8-bit beats that were so new back then, when people were still beginning to experiment with that whole sound, and my small teenage mind was getting blown. one of those bands who, not only did i love absolutely everything they put out, but their art informed my art deeply and on a very foundational level. by the time II came out i was in university, and it was the soundtrack to my days there. the cover art, that kid who stands by the graveyard. a relative found that album in my belongings and pointed to the picture: "i thought that was you." i started seeing myself as the kid on that album cover. my first year at csm my big final end-of-year foundational project involved a stop-motion movie starring a cut out of alice glass (i cut her out from magazine covers and editorials i collected). i cast her as an alice in a dystopic alice in wonderland, where she travels down a rabbit hole and the people in wonderland end up lobotomizing her, and then she turns into a doll. so much in that one piece that speaks to me now, that i understand as a silent transmutation of my own suffering. you never understand your own art until years later. even crazier still, as i cast alice as a vehicle for my own suffering i had absolutely no clue what she was going through, suffering a parallel hell, which is another mindblowing parallel i still can't manage to pick apart. i idolized her and wanted to be like her, i romanticized her and ethan's relationship: the coolest couple out there making music. so much you never learn until later.

i burned that short i made onto a CD and so desperately wanted to hand it over to alice herself when CC came to london to play a show, but anxiety took over as usually and i never did end up going to the show, nevermind giving them the CD. i don't think i will ever stop listening to them, even though the devastating information alice came out with later could never be unlearned either. i can't unlearn it and i don't want to, as ethan has taken on the shape of a very familiar abusive entity. i absolutely know what alice told was the truth (and she was of course branded a liar buy the ethan fangirls, of course, lol) and i believe her. unfortunate that we'd end up crossing paths on twitter when she accused somebody i love of abuse (not ethan), in a way that was untrue and jumping to conclusions and triggered reactions based off the past and then i had to go and argue her in her mentions. wild lol. that's my whole CC story thus far, i did see the new girl ethan seemed to replace alice with, a carbon copy it seemed in looks albeit much younger and similarly i guess easy to manipulate person due to the age gap. it's sad. i haven't listened to amnesty and truthfully i have no interest in a post-alice CC, because while ethan was the beats, alice was the beating heart of it all, and without her, there is no CC.

i'll always love and cherish the music that came, the tracks i grew up with, and holding all those complicated thoughts and feelings together and at once is just what life is like, and art is like. if i could mourn for my former self, i would, because i feel like it. hold a small funeral for her because she is no more, but because i do love who she used to be and how hard she tried to go on in spite of everything. i used to look up to alice for being the epitome of cool in music, from her clothes to her hair to the way she didn't seem to give a fuck what anybody else was doing, i thought of us like kindred spirits. but if there's anything i share in common with alice now, it's probably that we are both survivors. life put us through the grinder and spat us back out and we're still here, carrying on. and there's some kind of pride to be had for that, is my take away as i sit here and listen to Empathy. we should pride our ability to survive, maybe not unscathed, maybe not undamaged, but still here, still breathing. crawling if we have to sometimes, covered in sludge, existing in the swamps because toxicity became our only friend, until we are better enough that breathing purer air won't kill us. until we can walk again. survivors have this. every single one of us who has survived something, we have this instinct, even if hitting the self-destruct button felt tempting at many, many turns, we keep on going. i will keep on going. and i will thrive.

[dreamofbecoming]

ooh, this is a fun one! took me a bit, but i had a good time with this! tagged by the ever lovely @wren-of-the-woods

Rules: post the top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!

Top 5 works:

pronounce my name aright definitely the shortest of all my posted works, but just as definitely the writing i’m most proud of. linking the tumblr version and not the ao3 because i think the original idea is one of the best things i’ve ever written, i still can’t find a single thing i dislike about it

pale shadows of forgotten names the piece that started it all! this one rotated angrily in my brain for weeks, buzzing like a hive full of hornets, until i caved and typed the whole thing out in the notes app of my phone in the middle of the night. it fell out of me nearly in one go, and the edits i’ve made to it since then are all pretty minor. it just sort of...sprung into being. considering i hadn’t written anything for this fandom, nor anything at all but a very short supernatural vent piece in over 15 years, it felt a little like being clubbed upside the head. but i was (and remain) deeply proud of it, and entirely flabbergasted by the reception. i probably wouldn’t be active in this fandom if i hadn’t written this one

sleep now, she pleads my first ever chaptered work, and one i am determined to finish if it’s the last thing i do, augh T_T it started off as a songfic, which i hadn’t done before, and it’s evolved well past its borders, and there’s a lot of character work and world-building involved that i’m pretty proud of. my brain is made of soup most days so it will continue to take time for me to finish it, but i have so much planned that i’m excited to share for this one!

this isn’t a breakup, dearheart, it’s a season finale this was the first non-canon au i ever wrote, and i had so much fucking fun with it. it’s so silly and i love it so much

our shadows that are bold sing this is not the best writing i’ve ever produced, but it was the first thing i wrote that had me giggling in delight the entire time. this is the dumbest, silliest, most absurd fun i’ve had writing anything in ages. this fic is my beloved idiot child and i would die for it

(listen i only have 6 posted witcher works, it seems cruel to leave bitten lips and broken hands off the list when i love it so much. i wrote this one all in one go overnight instead of sleeping, and i had to type the end on a screen blurry with tears because i made myself cry at 6am over these idiots, and i’m damn proud of it, ok???)

Top 4 current wips:

sleep now, for sure. i’m gonna finish this damn thing if it kills me

my potions 5+1, which involves competent!jaskier and everyone knowing they’re in love before they do

my banshee/siren hybrid au! this is the closest i’ve ever gotten to writing actual plot, and i have no idea if i’m going to be able to follow through, but i’m damn excited to try!

i’ve got a whole warren’s worth of plot bunnies, but a couple of dreamling fics i’m especially looking forward to, including one that involves dream’s biggest ptsd trigger being silence and hob getting to babble him to sleep

Top 3 biggest improvements:

learning to outline, rather than just flinging myself headlong off a cliff and hoping i land on some words that go mostly in order

brevity! i’m a wordy son of a bitch, part of the reason i’m so proud of pronounce my name aright is because i managed to cut it off without beating it to death. i have to keep relearning this one though lol

writing action- the banshee story is the first time i’ve really tried, but i know i wouldn’t have been able to write something like that a year ago, and i hope to keep improving

Top 2 resolutions:

fucking finish my wips dammit

i want to post at least 5 finished works this year. it might not sound like a lot but hopefully i’m going back to school, so i’ll be happy if i can manage 5.

Top 1 favourite line:

Geralt sighs again, but stops pulling away. “But there’s still so much shit in the world. There are so many humans who hate me, or fear me, or try to cheat me, or who end up being monsters worse than the ones they want me to kill, and the problem with having it smacked over my head that I  do  actually have feelings, is that it makes it so much harder to ignore them. And there’s so much anger in me, Jaskier, and grief, and loneliness. And I can’t ever show it to anyone, or it will confirm everything they think they know about me. It will make me a monster. It will make me the Butcher all over again.” He looks up again, his expression anguished. “You’re the only one who’s safe. You’re the only one I can be angry around, or sad, or scared, or just annoyed, without thinking the worst of me. You’re the only one who ever comes back.”

listen i know it’s more than a line, ok? but honestly this whole section is the thing i’m proudest of out of all my writing. it was one of those moments where you come up with a headcanon kind of on the fly and don’t realize until after you’ve worked the whole thing out that like, fuck. that seems like it could be like. objectively correct? anyway i am very rarely convinced of my own brilliance but this was one of those times.

allllllright tagging the usual suspects, i think, @dancingwiththefae @islenthatur @spilledbutter @podcastenthusiast @fangirleaconmigo and anyone who feels like jumping in!

[karmas-chameleon]

For the writer asks, 4, 22, 25?

Thanks for the ask! :)

I'm gonna put this below a cut because it got kinda long lol

4. with dialogue i'm proud of

That's gonna be this snippet from my short where my S/I sees Manfred's scar for the first time:

“What happened?” I asked softly.

“I had…a particularly difficult case. The longest trial of my career. And I have this scar as a reminder of it.” His voice lowered, so quiet I could hardly hear him. “Those who pursue justice do so knowing the dangers they may face. Forty years of prosecuting criminals comes with its price, Miss Martin.”

My eyes were wide with fear. I hadn't imagined he'd ever face that kind of danger in his job - he was just a prosecutor, not a police officer, not an investigator, surely he would be safe. But he wasn't. I grabbed onto his shoulder again, not to inspect a wound but to hold him and keep him with me.

“Manny…stay safe, please. I…I don't want to lose you. I can't.”

Finally, Manfred looked at me, and saw my worries. He placed a hand over mine, and forced a smile. “You don't need to worry. The one who did this has been dealt with, and I don't anticipate any future…confrontations.”

I frowned at him. “You're sure?”

“I'm certain. It's been long enough since that incident that I can assure you nothing else will come of it.”

I love it because basically every sentence Manfred says means something different to each of them, and my S/I misinterprets his words exactly how he wants her to without him technically lying.

From her point of view, she hears this: Manfred had a tough case, and got shot at one point. He knows that his job can be a dangerous one, and it made him some enemies among the criminals he puts to justice. But the guy who shot him is either dead or in jail now, and he thinks he'll be safe.

What Manfred is actually saying: He had a tough case, got a penalty and got shot (and in my headcanon he thinks it was Gregory who pulled the trigger). He then shot him back, and is trying to justify it to himself - the one 'pursuing justice' was Gregory, and he knew that he could get hurt, didn't he? Miles had to know that his father's job could be dangerous; Manfred wasn't the only person who could've done him in, right? There's a price for forty years of success, and Gregory was the one who paid it. But he's dead now, and the statute of limitations has expired. He knows he's safe.

22. that is so blissfully self-indulgent

Honestly all of chapter 9 of my story is probably my most self-indulgent (SFW) thing I've written, but I'll just post my favorite bit:

“There's no need to apologize.” Manfred lay his hand over mine, squeezing gently as I held onto his snot-filled handkerchief. “There never was.”

“I-it's just-” I sniffled, “a lot. Everything is.”

“Hmm?”

“When…whenever I touch you, it's- it makes me feel a lot of…stuff. And when we talk, and when I look at you, and everything- and it's just,” I wiped at my eyes, “...too much, sometimes.”

“You’re overwhelmed. Overstimulated.”

“Uh-huh,” I nodded.

“Is there anything you need? If there's any way I can help, I will.”

“I just need…time, I think.” I slumped against Manfred's shoulder and closed my eyes, finally capable of taking a deep breath.

I focused on the sounds around me. The birds chirping in the trees and the wind whistling through the branches calmed me, while the sound of nearby human activity made me worry about just how many people may have passed by in the middle of my meltdown. And it still wasn't over, not quite. I could feel myself cooling off, but I wouldn't be back to normal until I got to my apartment, turned off all the lights, and took a long nap. Even then, ‘normal’ would still be painfully relative - my normal, but not the normal. Such a quality was out of my reach.

“I'm glad you told me,” Manfred said quietly, “even if you may not feel the same way. I realize it must've taken a good deal of courage.”

I nodded wordlessly into his shoulder.

“And it reminds me how I should treat you.”

My heart sank. This was the beginning - the pity, the babying, the ‘you poor thing’ looks that I'd dreaded.

“With politesse, and chivalry, as a gentleman ought to. Taking things slowly, and always requesting permission rather than assuming. And no more messing around trying to fluster you, as amusing as it may be.”

I felt him squeeze my hand again, and sighed with relief. “Thank you…Manfred.”

“Of course, Miss Martin.”

Years ago when I first started self shipping, and even after that when I started writing for my ships, I never would've written something like this, ever

My self inserts were idealized versions of myself, so of course if I was writing a character that's just 'me but better', that couldn't include autism, right? And I couldn't possibly imagine writing a whole chapter that's just me rambling about my problems, that would be super cringey and weird

But I've mostly moved past that now, enough to write whatever stuff makes me happy and to have my self inserts be the real me, warts and all (someday I might even write something about my S/I's acne scarring which I'm super self conscious about...but I'm not quite that brave yet lol)

Also the comment I got on that chapter from another autistic person who liked it just made me so happy 😊

25. that i consider a favorite

Ok here's a long one

Usually my 'favorite' is a snippet I've either been looking at or working on recently, and I've been looking back at this WIP planning on finishing it at some point:

“Here with someone special, Fräulein?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, smiling as I finally spotted him in the ballroom, next to Chief Gant and a tall, lanky officer.

“Ahh, you're with him?” Gavin said, evidently following my eyes. “Interesting.”

I looked back to see him grinning, and flushed slightly. “You, uh, know him?”

“I've talked to him a handful of times, ja. Not the easiest to work with, but I know he means well. He seems like a nice man.”

I was practically beaming. “Yes! I knew someone else would see it too. He's such a sweetheart when you get to know him, really.”

“You tell Meekins he's a lucky man for me, eh Fräulein? I should-”

“Meekins?” I stared at the prosecutor as he began to stand up. “Wait, who did you-”

“Is this fool bothering you, Miss Martin?”

Gavin froze in his tracks and I turned to see Manfred nearly at my side. I shot him a grin and stood to join him.

“Hey Manfred! Nah, we were just talking. Prosecutor Gavin told me he's in a band.”

“I'm aware.” My boyfriend’s icy glare left the other prosecutor for only a moment to look at me with concern. “Weren't you going to get something to eat?”

“I did. Got one of everything they had, plus an extra pig in a blanket.” I raised said snack up, as it was the only one I hadn't entirely finished. “You want a bite? They're really good!”

“...If you insist.”

Manfred continued to look somewhat intimidating, even as I popped a half-eaten cocktail weenie in his mouth. I turned back to look at the poor man he evidently wasn't friendly with, and saw him gawping at the two of us.

“Um…it's been nice meeting you, I guess?” I said with an awkward wave, hoping it would dismiss him.

“Er, ja, Fr- Frau Martin.” He made an effort to compose himself and left with a wave and a smile.

No sooner had he left earshot than I heard a scoff from Manfred, and looked back to try and figure out why he'd acted as he did.

“Hmph, so it's ‘Frau’ now, is it? I'd bet my entire estate that wasn't what he was calling you before I walked over.”

I nodded. “Yeah, it was something else, uh…something German sounding.”

“Fräulein. I haven't heard anyone use that to address a grown woman since I was a child. It's disrespectful. And this fool thinks he can just throw it into his vocabulary for flavor. Preposterous, really.” He crossed his arms and I smiled at him as he let out a huff, clearly on a roll with his complaining. “Tell me, just how much gratuitous German did he use when he spoke to you? I wouldn't begrudge a man a bit of creative linguistics if it were any other man, butchering any other language. But he embarrasses me by association.”

I placed a hand on his arm, leaning in to him with a grin. “Well, maybe he's doing that on purpose, huh? Not to embarrass you, but to make people think of the best prosecutor in LA when they see him. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, isn't it?”

“He certainly could've chosen something better to imitate, then. My professionalism, or success in the courtroom, not some exaggerated national identity. And if he wants to make something of himself as a prosecutor, he ought to focus on it instead of that silly little band of his. The man splits his time between prosecuting and singing, and I daresay he's worse than me at both.”

I tried to stifle a giggle, and Manfred frowned at me.

“Is something amusing?”

“You're cute when you're mad.”

“I am not mad. I'm merely detailing the numerous flaws of someone in my profession.”

[floresyerrores]

Saw a post of how there’s this new trend of like pretty girls who were clearly obviously popular (and probably mean) in school are trying to say they are now the “weird girls” - basically like the new pick mes and it triggered me so bad.

Gave my flashbacks of my childhood and early days of middle school where I was picked on and bullied so bad. Almost forgot how bad it was cus I always looked back on it as part of my “lore” and “growth” lmao it was just a normal part of life right everyone got picked on a little right 😀

It made me into the little bad ass I am today right lol.

It was actually so fucked. I guess I always dealt with it by laughing it off but I actually was bullied so bad I had to switch schools. I didn’t *have* to but my mom became a teacher in my school district that same year while I was getting bullied and when she found out about how bad it was, she asked if I wanted to try a different middle school. My bff had to move schools and my other friends got sent to alternative school so I figured why suffer alone lol and thought a new start could be fun.

Circa 2007/2008 I went thru my early emo/scene in 7th grade (never really grew out of it tbh) and I lost all my friends from 6th grade basically since they thought I was so weird and different but I made new friends who were like me, my little weirdos ❣️

I had my little friend group, like 7 of us, we were the only emo/scene kids in our school so we were really close and would always walk together, eat lunch together etc. Some of us would get picked on worse than the others - me for example, so we always tried to travel in a pack so we wouldn’t get ganged up on.

I remember my math teacher being one of my worst bullies solely for the fact that she was my literal TEACHER and would clown me in front of the whole class and everyone would laugh at me and I would just sit there and take it because I had never experienced that before from my fellow students let alone my own teacher…

One time she asked me if me and my friend group where all dating each other and slept together 💀 we were literally 13 dude and she was asking me essentially about polyamory and orgies. Something I knew nothing about at the time. She would make fun of my friends to my face and think it was funny.

Everyone in her class shunned me and avoided me, no one wanted to sit at the desks next to me - we used to be grouped in 4 desks all facing each other and she would have to pick people to sit at the tables with me and would purposely pick the kids who hated me the most. The all thought I was the devil lmao or some satanist

I used to write in a journal and make silly little lists of random stuff like “people I love” or whatever. I was talking about my friends obviously and I wrote their names down on my “ppl i love” list and one of my close friends shared the same name as one of the girls at the table who would make fun of me. My friends name was Kristen, and the bully was named KIRSTEN. The math teacher called me up to the board to answer something (she always liked to pick on me knowing I was shy and was hated in the class) and when I got back to my desk my journal had been moved and the girl with the same name as my friend was like “omg y’all she LOVES me what do I do 😱 she’s in LOVE with me ewwww” and I just knew that they had read my journal. I felt so embarrassed and like my privacy had been invaded I wanted to cryyyy it was awful. Like bitch why would I love YOU when you obviously hate me, bully me, etc etc.

Obviously that was my fault for leaving my journal out in the open and thinking they would not read it. Tbh I think they went through my bag and found it themselves cus I knew better than to leave it out, but I’m sure they saw me writing in it all the time.

Then, when I got the big chop (cut my long, down to my back hair into a short choppy emo style cut) and went to school feeling so cute about myself, I walked into her class and sat at my assigned desk (in the front because she was cruel and hated me obv). She stood behind me during the lesson and touched my hair/back of my neck then said “oh wow they really hacked your hair huh” and kept inspecting my haircut. Everyone laughed while I silently cried at my desk. The trauma 💀

Another time she said it smelled like weed/smoke in her class and came up right behind me and sniffed me then was like, sorry you just look like the type to do that stuff. You and your…. friends. I was like no. I don’t do any of that (I was still innocent then lol)

It got to so bad to the point where my bff made me report it to our AP because she was his aide at the time and knew it was wrong of her. I used to cry and tell her all the horrible things that happened to me in her class that day. So finally after almost a whole year of her tormenting I listened to her advice and told our AP about what she would do.

She pulled me out of class the next day and tried to give me some half assed apology - said something like if anything she said to me hurt my feelings, that wasn’t her intention, she was just playing with me blah blah blah but I didn’t really care I just said its ok it’s fine cus I was always so shy and non confrontational at that point. I was honestly scared of what she was going to tell me. I had been hoping they would switch me out of her class but it never happened. They did find a sub for her class for awhile so that was a nice break from her even though I still had to deal with the bullies in her class (which she helped to create). I vaguely remember something like they sent her to some empathy training class or something but I could be wrong lol idk.

I can’t remember exactly what happened after but she was gone for awhile towards the end of the year or semester (can’t remember exactly) but she was in a car accident, her car was totaled lol (karma bitch) and she was gone for awhile. She came back with a leg cast, showed us pictures of her totaled car trying to get some sympathy lol and basically just played movies all day or let us do whatever. She told one of the students she liked that she really didn’t care what we did because she would be leaving at the end of the semester and wouldn’t be coming back to teach. Idk if it had anything to do with me reporting her but 🤷🏻‍♀️ karmaaaa

We had some students switch to our math class and this one stoner foo got seated next to me/was put in my group. This chubby Mexican guy (Chris). I called him a fat ass at lunch once cus he had skipped me in the lunch line so I was worried he was gonna be mean and would remember me but I knew he was pretty funny cus he was like “HEY I’m not fat I’m just fluffy” lol. I was also friends with his on/off gf at the time so I would talk to him about his girl problems and try to help him win her back lol. He was the onlyyyyy one who was nice to me and actually talked to me in that class when I literally felt like such a loner. He became like my bff in that class, I would share all my Japanese snacks with him and let him copy my answers lol. I will never forget him or his kindness, he also ended up being my 🍃 plug after I graduated HS up until I moved out of Texas 2 years ago lmao. Thanks Chris 🥲 he really saved me in that class because after that, the teacher never came after me or tried to clown me again. No one messed with me after that because he would always have my back if they tried to say something.

Other bullies in school would just corner me or friends or all of us whenever they got the chance and would just say mean things or ask stupid shit like “do you worship the devil” or “are you a witch” and are you all gay, etc etc. Or they would laugh at us in the hallways and make fun of our clothes. We all had to wear uniforms but ofc my friends and I went out of our way to show off our individuality and would wear skinny jeans and band tees or all black whenever we had the chance and ofc we altered our uniforms to fit our style lol. We were basically walking Hot Topic ads lmaooo. Those bullies were nothing compared to the math teacher.

Another time, on my birthday, my friends had gotten me some gifts and one friend (Justin) gifted me a Hello Kitty plush and also a Dear Daniel plushie bc he knew I loved HK 🥺 I was a little weirdo so I walked around the whole day with my plushies proudly and had a relatively nice day because of all the kind gifts. My friend (Kristen) and I were walking towards our bus at the end of the day and the buses were all lined up as usual, some kids already in their seats waiting to go. We passed by one kid in the window seat (it was open) who was taking a big sip of his bright neon orange Gatorade (I remember it so clearly) and he looked right at me and spit it out the window right at me and Kristen - it landed on me, my hair, my friend and worst of all - my brand new hello kitty and Dear Daniel plushie 😔 staining it orange and completely ruining my whole day. My friend smiled at them and kept us moving to our bus but as soon as we got to our seats on the bus I broke down crying the whole way home. Sad stuff man. The orange never washed off my plushies 💔

I wrote about it in my journal that night and I guess my mom was reading my journal during those days since she thought I was a devil child (lol jk she was just worried about me bc of how I was acting) and that’s how she found out about the bullying and decided to switch me out of that school for good after the school year ended.

Lots of other stuff I went through during that dark period of time but those are the events that I remember so vividly even 10 years later.

Good times!

All part of my lore hahaha

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Rather than subject myself to the Complete Humiliation of posting old things anew on ao3 but since judging from that poll I made ages ago now that ya'll just as desperate for content as I am, lol, I have decided to link all of my old Yugioh 5Ds fics here, complete with short (spoiler-free!) commentaries about what you can expect from these ancient monstrosities. (Yes, the links are to ffn; don't complain about ads if you still aren't using an adblocker in the year 2023.)

Under the cut since there are quite a few and commentary doesn't help make it any shorter of a post, lol.

General Notes: **Posted in FFN publication order; fics posted on deviantArt at an earlier date have that noted. **The earliest fic is 13 years old. I won't tell you how old I was but... it was much younger than now, lol. I was 16/17 okay? A Baby. **As stated above, commentary is spoiler-free so feel free to read that before clicking through (actually, I'd recommend it; there are trigger warnings on a several of them that appear in those notes). **I had not seen the sub at all/ all the way through at the time, so all names/terms are from the dub. Similarly, some details may also be different. **Feel free to laugh at all of these, but please laugh about them here on tumblr and not on FFN. If you leave me a comment over there, I won't know you came from here and that it's in good faith instead of just being mean-spirited. (Or, if you feel you must comment there, at least tell me you came from this post. But I would love to interact over them and I probably won't do that with FFN comments.) Feel free to laugh (because God knows I did while re-reading some of these), but let me laugh with you.

Proceed at your own risk.

A Secret Kept Originally Posted: April 7, 2011 (First posted on dA -Aug 14, 2010) Summary: When questions of his past surface, Yusei uncovers a 20-year-old secret that someone will do anything to keep hidden - even if it means murder! Length: 22 chapters (~36.5k words) Commentary: -- This was originally posted in three parts on dA but was combined for ease of subbing on ffn. -- Trigger Warnings: ya know, murder if that wasn't clear in the summary, lol; gun violence (in relation to the murders), vehicle accidents, dubious science -- Don't ask me what I was on when I named OCs, okay? I don't know. Pretty sure in my head "Kale" was not pronounced like the leafy green stuff, lol. Maybe there was supposed to be an accent on the 'e'? I don't know so don't ask. (I'm laughing about this, okay? Feel free to laugh too.) -- There's one chapter early on that gave me second-hand embarrassment so hard that it is the reason I am not posting these on ao3 at this time. I contemplated cutting it out but then realized I couldn't because, as terrible and cheesy as it is, it's too relevant. Just. Just keep that in mind. -- Medical Inaccuracies. Because I was Young and it makes for better drama. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. It's so terrible. It killed me ten times over. I am so sorry. -- I had zero concept of the layout of the garage apartment. But, then again, I feel like most people don't, lol. -- The timeline is waaaaaaay off in places. Whoops. In my defense, streaming as a whole was pretty new at the time and I didn't have a way to re-watch episodes yet except pirating, which, you know, I had to do for the last 20 anyway, but I digress, lol. -- I have nothing to say about the plot except: Yeah. It gets Weird in places. The resolution is also Weird. Probably not any Weirder than the sequel, though, honestly. (....or any weirder than some of the things that happen in canon, for that matter.)

Changing the World Originally Posted: April 25, 2011 (First posted on dA -Sept 11, 2010) Summary: Crow is fed-up with the way Kalin is running the Enforcers! What happens when he walks away? Length: 4 chapters (~4k words) Commentary: -- Slightly canon-divergent but still fits in the overall narrative. -- Trigger Warning: suicide (It wasn't actually suicide but you don't even find that out in this fic, so.) -- Why did I ever think first-person POV was a good idea? It is not. -- Very loosely tied to both a collab listed below (A New Hope) and Angels and Devils but not truly necessary to read this one first. (Its connected by one name and one event. That's it. That's all. lol) -- I started rereading this one and then Did Not. Make what you will of that.

Shattered Soul Originally Posted: May 1, 2011 Summary: Yusei has always been the quiet, almost shy one of the gang. Jack is the one to explain why this is since only he, Martha, and Dr. Schmidt know the truth. Some reasons were never meant to be understood... and this is one of them. Length: 12 chapters (~21k words) Commentary: -- Trigger Warnings: semi-graphic depictions/descriptions of child abuse, graphic self-harm, gang violence and murder (mentioned) -- The second half of this fic was entirely unplanned when I started, so there is an abrupt shift in story-telling about half way through. -- The timeline doesn't quite match up correctly with canon, but I'm just gonna blame that once again on not really having a way to rewatch episodes back then, lol. -- This one actually got a sort-of one-shot re-write, lol. The re-write ended up almost entirely different, but this was where that idea came from. (You can actually read that one on ao3 because it's pretty recent.) -- If I were to actually fully re-write this one in the future (I never will), I would absolutely not format it like this. The format is pretty terrible, and some things should just...not have been written the way they were, lol. (Please excuse the info dump that is chapter 4, for example.) -- This one is also loosely tied to the collab listed below (A New Hope) but not necessary to read first since we didn't actually get that far into the collab for it to make a difference. Just a fun fact for you. (There was an unresolved plot point that was intended to resolve in the collab, but we didn't get that far. So if you read this and wonder about something, yeah it was probably that, lol.)

Scattered Memories Originally Posted: June 7, 2011 Summary: 50 Yugioh! 5D's related one-shots and drabbles. Length: 18 chapters (~14k words) Commentary: -- Clearly this is not 50 chapters. I never finished it because I started writing for a different fandom and lost interest. Ironically, I also started a theme challenge for that fandom as well that I never finished (though that was because my hard drive crashed and I lost the list, lol). -- I did not reread this one since it is just one-shots. There's nothing terribly memorable about them that bares mentioning, however, so... make what you will of that.

Chain Reaction Originally Posted: June 23, 2011 (First posted on dA -Dec 28 2010) Summary: If you had the power to change the past, would you? This is the question Yusei receives from a mysterious stranger. Will he accept the invitation to stop Zero Reverse from ever happening? Length: 10 chapters (~18.5k words) Commentary: -- Ye old cringey "what if"/alternate timeline fic. Except it doesn't actually happen. And nothing is explained at the end. -- I read about the first page and noped out of it. Maybe it gets better, hard to say. Let me know if it does if you actually dare to read it, lol. So unfortunately I can't really warn you about anything since I haven't read it in who knows how long. Sorry. You're on your own on this one, folks. -- (I do remember it being fun to write, but that doesn't really mean much. I'm sure I had fun writing all of these, after all, lol.)

The Camping Bet Originally Posted: June 26, 2011 Summary: What starts out as an argument between Jack and Crow turns into an all-out bet, guys vs. girls! The guys don't think the girls can last in the wilderness without electricity and running water; the girls think likewise of the guys. Who will win the bet? Length: 8 chapters (~12.5k words) Commentary: -- I only wrote about the first half of this one, so when there's an abrupt shift in writing style, that's why. Debated not including it, but I still like the premise honestly, and it was a lot of fun to write. -- Features my former best friend's OC, Elodie Kumari. You don't really need to know anything about her for this fic, though. Except that she's dating Crow? I think? I didn't reread this one, either. -- Incorrect geography. I did not look up places in Japan. I used the Boundary Waters in MN, USA, because I've been there. I have no regrets about this, however. -- I did skim the first chapter, but since I didn't re-read it in full, I apologize that I can't alert you to anything weird. Like replacing all of the 's's with 'z's in Sherry's dialog since she's French. I'm sure that seemed like a good idea at the time... *shrugs*

Darkness Before Dawn Originally Posted: Sept 24, 2011 Summary: Sequel to A Secret Kept. The worst has happened: Yusei is dying and the doctors can't figure out why. Now the gang must call on an old enemy for help… But will he be able to help? Will the gang find out what's going on before it's too late? Length: 11 chapters (~17k words) Commentary: -- I don't know where this absurd premise came from, but also it's really not that absurd within the Yugioh universe, so. Whatever. (It's so nutty but somehow I still love it? Idek.) -- Medical Inaccuracies. In part due to the dubious science of the previous fic, but hey. Also because of, ya know, magic and stuff. But also because Drama. Same as last time. -- Look. All of these are cheesy. But this one? Takes the cake. By a mile. (Also very majorly shippy --YuseixAki-- if you're into that, lol. Very minor JackxCarly and CrowxSherry but like. barely.) I had to stop reading a couple of times to gather myself. It is an ooey-gooey mess. -- So many epithets. I am so sorry. -- Also so many typos. I don't know why its so bad in this one, but it really is. -- (Also, where were the twins through all of this? I have no idea but I didn't write them in this and it actually makes zero sense that they aren't present, considering certain events. Me @ past!me: care to explain yourself? lol)

Angels and Devils Originally Posted: Nov 6, 2011 (first posted on dA -Feb 7, 2011) Summary: Naomi Mori may live in the Satellite, but her life isn't as horrible as most - that is until one so-called friend turns everything upside down. No shippings, mostly OC's with mentions of cannons until the second half of the story. Length: 4 chapters (~12k words) Commentary: -- Ye old cringey OC story. 'Nough said. -- This one was originally posted in two parts (Looking for Angels and City of Devils) on dA but was combined for ease of subbing on ffn. -- Trigger Warnings: gun violence (someone does die), suicide (that's actually not but still), implied attempted sexual assault (me @ past me: excuse me but why) -- The only reason I posted this one over to FFN was because of the collab listed below because Naomi plays a large part in it and readers needed to know who she was and her history. -- Side note: as someone who actually plays the game now but didn't when I wrote this, the deck I created for her is absolutely terrible. As in, nonfunctional except for anime duels where you always get exactly what you need, lol. -- I have no idea if half the cards I use in these duels are real cards or not. I know I made some of them up, but at this point, I don't remember which ones, lol (with the exception of one that is very obvious when you read it). There is definitely some Absurd Things going on in this duel. I'm pretty sure I did not count cards and even though I'm not counting them now either, I'm pretty sure this character does not have this many cards available to him, lol. Little Me did not know anything about dueling, lol. Take everything with a grain of salt.

A New Hope Originally Posted: Jan 2, 2012 (First posted on dA -May 2011) Summary: Construction has begun on the bridge that will finally connect the City and the Satellite. But certain people aren't happy with the City's decision to unite the two places and will stop at nothing to make sure the bridge is never completed! Length: 12 chapters (~37k words) - Discontinued Commentary: -- I am still Mad at myself and my collab partner for having never finished this. It tied so many fics of both of ours together and resolved some previously only hinted at story lines. But -- wouldn't you know it -- we got stuck on a duel. We technically wrote past that, intending to just come back to it later, so there are probably at least 3 chapters that never saw the light of day because we never frickin got the duel written before we both moved on to other fandoms. *sigh* (She's also the one who had the notebook we passed back and forth so I don't even have access to those chapters anymore. Hard to say if she even has it anymore. It's very sad. I'm very smad about it, lol.) -- The first couple chapters are okay but a few chapters after are kind of a drag, not gonna lie. But they are also now essential because said collab partner decided to rewrite her OC story (that is rehashed in this one) and never finished the rewrite but also deleted the original. So those few chapters are really the only place the full story exists now, sadly. (If you really want to read what there is finished of the rewrite, you can here: Birds of a Feather. Also, if you are in desperate need of yet more really old and cheesy fics, her writing was always better than mine, haha.) -- After the first ~5 chapters, I really, really still love the plot, okay? Parts of it were really, truly genius. I kind of wish I could go back and finish writing this fic, but sadly...I cannot. For a lot of reasons, I won't get into here, haha. But yeah. If you can get passed the opening few chapters, I think you may still enjoy the rest of it. -- There's this really weird part where we wrote in first person despite the rest of it being in third person. I stand behind that decision for what we were wanting to do, but also terrible. Horrible. Should not have done that, and I think we could have found a way to write it in third. -- While I have reread this one recently, actually, that was still probably at least six months ago so I didn't reread it for the making of this post. Therefore, not a lot of commentary on the fic itself other than the parts I can remember.

Lay Your Weapons Down Originally Posted: May 27, 2012 Summary: After being married for two years, everything they fought so hard for is falling apart. Yuaki Length: One shot (~1600 words) Commentary: -- There was supposed to be a companion piece to this with Jack and Carly, but obviously I never wrote it. -- Contains the above collab partner's OC shipped with Crow but that's not the focus and you don't really need to know that much about her beyond that. -- Honestly? Didn't reread it. Super cheesy if memory serves, though, haha.

I Never Meant For This To Happen! Originally Posted: June 8, 2012 (First posted on dA Jan 26, 2011) Summary: Kalin is hauled away by Sector Security. Yusei wonders at his friend's mistake. Length: One shot (~750 words) Commentary: -- Nothing really. Didn't reread it either, honestly.

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There we have it; ye old 5Ds fics. If these haven't completely scared you off from my writing, I do have a whole three fics I've written recently that you can find on ao3. I hope you enjoyed reading these (or at the very least that they gave you a good laugh at the absurdity of it all).

[mxntbreath]

Cámara de usar y tirar

hhhhh misleading title haha, blog is in english, as usual.

lowercase is intended, it’s my way of typing. now, with that out of the way, let’s get to it shall we? god i hate that phrase so fucking cliché, so overused, so useless. reminds me of something, huh.

you guessed it, this is yet again another edition of mint crying on the internet cause they’re denied of mental health woo !! but this is not the blog where i’ll complain about my family and how i’m tired of it, no, this one is dedicated to me *surprise noises* specially how much i hate myself and, well, others do as well.

me, me, me what a fucking narcissist am i right? who would write about themselves thinking anyone in the world would care the slightest bit about it? only a narcissist that’s who.

okay- this fells like a fucking filler episode, all words no actual meaning to them.

let’s do this in order.

when i was little i thought of myself as this cool ass kid who everyone would love to be friends with since i was super creative and had lots of talents, wouldn’t take long to realize i was wrong. i was fat, that doesn’t mean anything to anyone now, but back then that defined my entire existence, the fat kid. the one no one wanted to hang out with. i remember looking at myself, barely a tween, and just absolutely hating the way i looked. i remember a kid, i’ll call her victoria, telling me the way i dressed would just drive the boys away. i remember being chosen last at any and every game. i remember being just, there, to fill in the fat kid role every school needs. it’s not like i wanted to kill myself over that, i just found it distasteful, sad, ugly. i wouldn’t care though, after all, there was a random fucking creep on the internet who liked me. i’ll never forget him for all the wrong reasons.

as i entered my teenage years (still a teenager but who cares) my body went through a shit ton of changes, most important of all my period which made me lose a lot of weight. i wasn’t skinny but i wasn’t fat either. i turned 13 and i started getting catcalled and followed on the street, it was terrifying, but i couldn’t complain right? i mean, boys were definitely noticing me, complaining would be dumb. then i started dating this girl, nice girl, everyone thought the same as me being in a relationship with a girl made their sick fucking brains think about us in private situations, i hated that, i hated men. we broke up, after that i got into a lot more relationships that lasted a few weeks, the latest one being the best and worst of them, after all i was just una cámara de usar y tirar and he threw me away when i wasn’t of use. what did i do wrong? i did all he wanted me to.

no. what did i ever do wrong? why were people so fucking mean to me? am i not enough? i don’t even wanna keep writing all that’s happened to me, triggering myself lol.

tldr; i’m just here to make other people feel better about themselves and bring them entertainment for a short while, have been for years. beep boop.

night.

[nordic-language-love]

2022 Plans and Goals

I actually gave up making new years resolutions many years ago because I never stuck to them. I’m not about to change that, but I have some things I’d like to achieve in 2022, so I want to make plans. Plans that I actively work towards achieving. I want to update every month (or week?) with the steps I took towards achieving that goal to encourage me to actually work on them, even if it’s only a little.

Anyway, these are the goals I have in mind (under a cut because it’s long)

1. Pass the Bergenstest

Obviously this is my number 1 language priority! My written test is booked for the 1st of April. I’ve not booked the spoken test yet, but I might have to wait until September as I’ve not had any response from the UK test centres about taking the spoken test and I can’t afford to go to Norway twice in one month.

2. Pull all my skills up to C1 level

At the moment, I think my reading/listening are about C1 level (not a high C1 though), but my speaking/writing are definitely not at that level. It might be a little ambitious to think I could get to that level overall this coming year, but I intend to try!

3. Complete Norwegian Tutor and Enjoy Norwegian textbooks

I’ve had both of these books for ages and I’ve still not finished them. I have maybe 5 chapters left of Norwegian Tutor, but I’ve barely done more than flick through Enjoy Norwegian. It’d be nice to complete them both!

4. Intensively study another language for 3 months (?)

After I’ve passed the Bergenstest, I want to spend some time on a different language. I might pick up Spanish again, or maybe Japanese, but I’m also tempted to start a completely new language and see how good I can get in 3 months (probably Russian because I have so many Russian students). I’m still not 100% decided I’ll do this at all. At the moment I’m leaning towards Japanese because my mum got me some Japanese bilingual short stories and Genki for Christmas, but we’ll see!

Non-Language Goals/Plans

Although I won’t really post about these on this blog, I’m putting them here as a record for myself, as well as for accountability’s sake.

5. Move out of my current house

I’ve lived here for 10 years, and now with my boyfriend living with me it’s just too small. I’d never planned for us to live here together, and certainly not for 3 years. We need to move out. It’s gonna be an absolute ballache, but it’ll be worth it! I think my goal for January is to make a list of all the things that need fixing/replacing and planning a timeline/budget for that (it’s gonna be expensive ugh but hopefully my dad will help seeing as we have joint ownership and all).

6. Learn to fan dance properly

I love my fans! But I currently feel like I just wave them around disjointedly while awkwardly walking/running around. Of course, this goal isn’t easy to measure, so here’s some measurable goals I can work towards:

Perfect antispin flowers

Learn simple body tracing patterns

Learn reels and weaves

Perform smooth transitions between different patterns

See a noticeable difference in my performance skills when comparing two videos side by side

I may also track the time I spend practising. Of course, I’ll keep track of this goal properly on my performer side blog @jo-jenova

7. Go to the dentist

This is super embarrassing to admit (and I’m sure some of you will be horrified) but I’ve been avoiding the dentist for years. I hate them and I’m terrified that they’ll tell me I need to spend thousands to fix my teeth. But if that’s the case then ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away, soo... I need to pull myself together and just do it lol.

8. Prioritise my health more

*Quick trigger warning for mentions of food, diet, exercise and weight loss. Scroll down to the next heading if you don’t want to read this bit!*

I used to train 10-15 hours a week and eat at least semi-healthy. Now I barely exercise and eat a lot of junk food. I’m pretty sure this is at least partially responsible for my lack of energy and I just don’t feel like me, really. So I want to change some things, for example:

Move daily, even if it’s just 10-15 minutes of yoga

Swap unhealthy snacks for fruit and veggies

Stop snacking right before mealtimes

Drink water instead of pepsi max and tea

Cut down on meat

Eat mostly home cooked meals / cut down on takeaways

Stop eating after 9pm

I plan to focus on one aspect every couple of weeks (rather than trying to do everything at once). So one fortnight I’ll focus on increasing my exercise, then the next I’ll focus on eating more fruit and vegetables, then drinking water etc. And if during the weeks I’m focusing on water intake my fruit/veg intake drops off, that’s okay. If I can keep it up, awesome. I just don’t want the pressure on myself to do all of these things all of the time. Maybe I’ll have a primary goal for each month and a secondary goal.

** End of trigger warning **

I may think of some more things to add to this list, but this is all I’ve got for now! I’m going into this year with a surprising amount of positivity given the past two years have uh. sucked. C’mon 2022, don’t let me down!

What goals do you guys have?

[danideservedbetter]

Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

[ofdreamsanddoodles]

if you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with consuming content with 'problematic' aspects? for example, i see you reblog posts criticizing things like racism in tma, and you can still make content while being able to recognize those things. it's hard for me to continue enjoying something when it has even 1 thing slightly bad in it, but i know that's not a healthy way to consume content. is there anything you keep in mind when interacting with a given series? u don't need to answer ❤️ ty

also a note on my ask -- of course you don't need to answer, and you aren't a therapist & etc. i just admire your ability to both recognize flaws in works but still enjoy them, and thought since you seem to have critical thinking skills you might have a perspective that you could offer. being on tumblr from a young age seems to have affected my ability to separate things in my mind, lol. thanks so much for reading even if you don't feel comfortable answering.

I mean... you’ve kind of answered your own question? The only way to consume media is to remember that everything has flaws. My brother came by while I was typing this up and told me the answer is to “just vibe” because everyone is more or less terrible in one aspect or another but obviously, that’s not the answer you’re looking for.

I guess the short answer is just... you have to learn how to trust your own set of morals and understand that you shouldn’t feel guilty if a story you like betrays you. And yes, that’s hard, especially when you grow up surrounded by very rigid rules on what’s “okay” to watch, but if you’re just looking for some tips, here’s a list that I hope will help:

Find people you trust and see what they think of the situation. Think about whether or not they’re coming from an informed place. A friend of mine asked me if I knew about a Jewish tradition a while back. I had no idea what they were talking about. Turns out, it was something popular with German Jews. None of my family is from Germany. Sometimes, just being Jewish doesn’t mean I’m the right person to ask.

Find people who are complaining & see why they’re upset. Think about who is annoyed by this and how many of them there are. Think about what they think the proper response is, if any. Think about whether you have the right to wave off their concerns. Think about how those concerns are treated, both in-fandom and by creators. I saw a lot of people in the tma tag complaining about twitter “overreacting” to MAG 185, but if Jonny felt the need to issue an apology and specifically say that he realizes he’s crossed a line, chances are, the complaints were probably warranted (a thing I’d like to add is that apparently, RQ also issued an apology for a fluff episode they released, which I thought was kind of silly, because the episode was essentially just joking about martin forgetting a word. But also, as a neurodivergent person who sometimes struggles with speech, I do understand why that might upset people. not all apologies have to about incredibly important topics, but even the ones who aren’t show a lot about the cast behind it. Alternatively, if RQ had only apologized for this episode, and not MAG 185, that also says a lot about where there priorities are, and what fans they care about keeping)

Think about what will happen if you continue watching/reading etc. It’s not so much “is it okay if I keep watching this?” but “if I continue to watch this, will I convince myself that this problematic aspect isn’t actually a big deal? Is it so ingrained in the show that I can’t watch an episode without seeing the problems in it? What will I say to others, if they want to watch this?” For example, if someone sees you’ve reblogged a scene from a show you like and asks what it’s about, how many excuses are you going to give? How many trigger warnings are there, and can you justify them? There’s a difference between a piece of media having a character say homophobic slurs, and a piece of media saying a gay person should have homophobic slurs thrown at them.  Also: If you think you cant justify getting someone else interested, you probably shouldn’t justify contributing to the show. This might be obvious, but there’s a very big difference in pirating a tv show and buying its merch. 

Think about the fandom. If you continue talking about this, who are you surrounding yourself with? Like, there are a LOT of weirdos making content for kids shows, but that doesn’t always mean the show itself is weird. What it does mean, though, is that you should be careful navigating your enjoyment. Sometimes, the only way to enjoy something is to talk about it with a select few friends. Sometimes, it’s to enjoy it by yourself. I do believe it’s possible to enjoy a show in spite of the canon, but at the same time, if you’re watching a show that’s attracting a lot of racists, think about why that might be. 

some more thoughts under the cut, because I already wrote them out before I realized I could just make a list.

The thing about consuming media is that it’s very subjective. I know a lot of people who have given up on tma recently and while that’s not wholly because it’s “problematic,” it definitely plays a part in it. People have different meters for what they can excuse in media. The important thing to remember is WHY they left, and if you’re able to keep that in your mind while also continuing to engage in contact with the media. Will you be able to remember that Daisy traumatized Jon more than any other avatar if you consume context calling her Basira’s hot murderwife? Can you talk about the Flesh and acknowledge the racism in the creation of the Haans?

Personally, I don’t think you can produce positive content about Daisy and also acknowledge the harm she causes. You can’t point at a character and say, yes, she has committed actual police brutality, but I think she deserves a cute lesbian romance anyway. That’s not really a thing tma has done wrong as much as it is a problem with the fandom, but like, at the end of the day, it’s all just a matter of critical thinking. Who is being hurt by these portrayals of the characters? How? Most of the problems with tma aren’t things that are, like, baked into the actual worldbuilding and for a lot of people, that’s enough for them to still justify making content for the show.

If your complaints sound like “oh, if only they didn’t do xy, this would make for a good show,” then you’re probably fine. But if it goes into “i like this, but only if I can ignore (major plot point)” think about why you feel the need to keep watching. There are shows I’ve stopped watching based on principle. There’s manga I read that I only talk about with my brother and no one else, because I don’t want to be exposed to the fans. It doesn’t have to be as simple as “well, this artist did a bad thing, so now I’m going to ignore it forever.” If you think the creators of something are bad people, don’t support them. You can still pirate it or whatever, but if it’s something like hetalia, where the point of the show is just “let’s put all these stereotypes in a room and see how they react” then yes, for your own sake, you should stop watching because this is how stereotypes become normalized, and no one should be consuming media where nazi germany as the protagonist.

Really, at the end of the day, it’s just a matter of becoming media literate and that’s a process that takes time. Remember that being interested in something that isn’t 100% doesn’t make you a bad person, and listen to the people around you. Try and be a safe space for the people who do have complaints and remember not to place your enjoyment of something over the comfort of others. Other than that, just... do your best, I guess?

[pansexualseaanimals]

Chapter 9 Sneak Peeks ‘Cause You Deserve It

Hey guess what? I’m still alive! I haven’t been writing for a while because these past few chapters have kind of been making me face things about my own life that I hadn’t given due time to address and manage (especially Pyxis and Rory’s thoughts on how parents can “love you but not want you”, and stuff said by multiple people in chapter 9, the one I’m still writing) so I kinda just dealt with those thoughts and came to conclusions and stuff in my own mind while I endlessly binged anime and video games. Not that I don’t normally do that, mind you, but I did it a lot more and not much else.

Luckily, I live in a wonderful gorgeous apartment in my favorite town I’ve ever lived in (the only town I’ve ever called home, in fact! At least, in this world!) and it’s super comfortable and I live with my best friend who is way too good of a roommate if I must be frank - I’d rather be Columbia, honestly - and life has been relatively super good, so like. Don’t worry! I’m so happy in my life the way it is! I’m back home in the Midwest, surrounded by beauty and friends who’ve helped me out more than I could ever ask (but I did, let’s not lie lol) and... I still have depression and I’m working on that and planning on getting a doctor soon, but... I’m starting new good habits, getting into things I’ve been wanting to try, and yeah... I’m rambling at this point so I’ll make the rest quick.

I wanted to give sneak peeks because it’s been SO LONG and I don’t know how many people really actually read this thing? Like, “I’m excited that there’s a new chapter” kind of peeps? But no matter how few there are, you guys all deserve something nice, and this was all I could think of. Instead of just posting one scene, I’ll post a few clips from a bunch of scenes. Everything is subject to change as I keep writing, so it might not match the finished product, but... That just means you guys are extra-special! Heehee! ^__^ 

Excerpts are below the read-more cut. Hope it’s enjoyable! 

\/\/\/\/\/

"Oh, I've got twenty-five coins for the sea show clanking in the backseat, whoa-oh. I've got thirty-two seashells lined up in a row..." Caurel happily sang as she covered the turquoise side in pink, pausing and hiding in a corner when she noticed Zebra rising out of the spawn pool. The younger Inkling, hesitant, flung her brush wildly to cover the pink ink and swam forward, repeating the process every few feet. When she dropped down to the valley, she triggered another Ink Mine, this time getting away just quickly enough.

  "Not falling for that again," they sighed... right before Caurel popped out of her corner and slashed her brush at her, sending her floating right back to the spawn point. Unable to keep from giggling, Caurel re-inked the entrance ramp and climbed up to the higher level, brushing quickly down the alley as Zebra respawned again.

  "And I'll swim, swim, swim, to my darling Martha... And let her lay me down in the bay where the warm winds blow~"

  "Are we singing the same song?" Penny shouted from the audience, loud enough to be heard over the stage music.

"'Martha's Bay' by the Seagulls?" Caurel shouted back for confirmation.

"I knew it! Ahhh, I love you!"

"I love you, too, Butterfly!"

"Boooo!" Rocky shouted as he took out Thresher. "Get a room!"

  "But their love for each other is like our love," Ankyr said with a wink.

"You really are a sea turtle."

  "Hey, only Pyxis can call me-" SPLASH! Ankyr fell prey to Bonnet's Heavy Splatling.

"FOR ANKYR!" Rocky jumped up and flung his roller down before rolling toward Bonnet - and getting caught in a freshly thrown Splash Wall.

  "I love it when he does that," Tiger squeaked.

\/\/\/\/\/

"What took you so long? Why did you trade Ankyr for these randos?"

"Rocky," Caurel sighed. "They're the friends we were supposed to meet today, remember?"

"Oh..."

"Guys, this is Rocky, our squad's leader," Pyxis laughed.

  "Nice to meet you," Carina said, stepping forward to shake Rocky's hand. "Don't worry, my 'boyfriend' will be back soon."

  "'BOYFRIEND'?" The entire crowd turned their attention to the charismatic newcomer.

  "It's just an inside joke," Pyxis hastily assured them. "You'd just have to be there."

"Yeah, he kind of saved me a lot of hassle," Carina shrugged.

  "My Sunshine has inside jokes with people I don't know," Moises thought out loud. "Not sure how I feel about this..."

"Well, you know us now," Hans piped up. "She's Carina, I'm Hans, this here is Shera, and the rude guy is Cygnus."

"I haven't said anything rude yet!"

"We all know you will," Shera said as she scooched over to Abbey. "So, what's your name?"

"I'm aromantic," Abbey said between sips of coffee. Their friends howled with laughter in the background.

"Aw, that's too bad... Are you... asexual, too?"

"They're not sex-repulsed, if that's what you mean," Pyxis jumped in. "That's not what asexual means, though."

"Sweet little Pyxis," Cygnus chuckled, patting his friend on the head. "Always here to educate her friends."

"...You mean their friends," Rocky corrected.

  "What? No. You too? Are all Squids okay with the whole fluid-gender thing?"

"You didn't even last five minutes," Hans sighed, covering his face with his palm.

  "Look, she was born with lady-parts, am I wrong or am I right?"

"Here's what I know," Rocky began slowly, stepping closer to the Octoling and staring him in the eye. "This particular group of friends respects what people choose to call themselves. When you're with us, you refer to Pyxis as they/them. If you can't handle that, you can swim back home."

"ROCKY!" Caurel grabbed her brother's arm and yanked him down to sit beside her. "They're our guests!"

"And Pyxis is family," he bit back. "Which is more important to you?"

"Wow, they really worship you around here," Cygnus laughed, turning to leave. "Do they even really know you? Your history? What have you been telling them?"

"Cygnus, get back here and act your age," Carina commanded.

"No thanks, Your Majesty."

  The crowd was hushed for some time, the noises of the audience around them and the battle down below, permeating their silent space.

  "Sorry about that," Carina finally spoke up. "I told him to behave himself. But he's... how do you say... stuck in his ways."

"He's only twenty-two," Shera rolled her eyes. "He's just a stubborn pufferfish."

"You okay, honey?" Hans asked Pyxis, who was too busy processing their own thoughts to realize they should answer.

"...I'm family?"

\/\/\/\/\/

And now, here’s Shera going goo-goo over more Inklings

---

“Vanilla? Is that a brand, or...?"

"Oh no, I just mean, the original one."

"So... Vanilla means original?"

"The basic form of something, yes. Regular. It's just slang."

"Who's the person with the gatling?"

"Ah, that's Pixie with the Zink Mini Splatling. Disruptor and Bubbler."

"Pixie..." Shera turned to where Pyxis was seated. "PIXIE!"

  "Yes?"

"I can never call you Pixie again! That's the name of my new future wife!" Ecto and Thresher couldn't help but laugh.

"...Glad to hear it?"

"She's actually dating Ty right now," Tandy pointed out. "Sorry, you'll have to look elsewhere."

"Darn."

"Great Overseer," Carina sighed. "Why are you so thirsty today?"

"I dunno, Queenie," Shera shrugged and shook her head. "Look. I had no idea Squidlings could be so attractive, okay?"

"I mean, she's not wrong," Hans laughed. "The first time I saw Ankyr..."

"YOU CAN DO IT, GUYS!" Pyxis suddenly stood up and cheered as loud as they could.

\/\/\/\/\/

And now for some good parents! Specifically, Ecto’s dads. Well, one of them. The other is busy playing Pokémon with Caurel and co. in the living room at this moment. They haven’t been mentioned much so far, but they’re great friends with the Waters (Waters’? Waterss?) ever since all the families met, and Rocky and Caurel hang out with them a lot.

---

"That's because you can look back on the past, apply your knowledge of the present, and cook up a better future for yourself. A new happiness. Again, one that won't last forever. And maybe it's not perfect. Maybe you burn your tongue. Maybe you let it go cold without realizing. But there'll always be more soup."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?" Rocky scoffed, throwing more tomatoes into the pot.

  "Not quite. There's one thing I've always wondered."

"The secret of life?"

"Nah, figured that out in college."

"What? No. Shut up." The two shared a laugh. Mister Plasma reduced the burner's heat and placed a lid on the pot, before turning to Rocky.

  "Back when you were in Coral Reef's boat... Why didn't you say anything?"

  "Well..." Rocky took a moment to continue. "Figured there wasn't any point, I guess. Can't help it if the person you have a crush on is gay. Like, if Pop was het, you wouldn't have the love of your life."

"Well I'm glad that's not the case," he said with a short laugh, before frowning and patting Rocky on the head. "Sorry, hon."

"It's fine. That's one of those 'just move on' parts in life. So I did."

"Ah..."

"Happened with Ankyr, too. But that was back when we were super tiny. Like.. That's a different kind of love. Baby love, I guess. But then again, we thought Ankyr was a girl back then. That was easier to move on from."

  "You just can't catch a break," Dad laughed. "Anyone on your mind these days?" Rocky thought a while before answering.

"I... Not really. I don't know, Oji. Guess I'm kind of giving up for now. I just wanna cook and take care of the ocean. Those are my loves. Well, I'll never get tired of Turf War either. I guess... that's it."

"And that's A-okay," the adult Inkling nodded, before yelling "COME AND GET IT!" There was a multitude of shuffling sounds from the living room as the young adults made their way to the kitchen. "Come see us any time," he said again. "We'll always be here for you."

\/\/\/\/\/

And that’s all I have for you here today, I wanna stop myself before I give away more than I might have given away... But yeah, working on that slowly but surely now. I was already about halfway-ish done with the chapter before I fell off, I think? Depends if I think of adding any more scenes than what’s already planned. So, look forward to that soon! Catch you on the flip side~

P.S.: As a reminder, this is the second-to-last chapter I’m writing; after 10 is over, we’ll be moving on to the second book in the series, which will hopefully have much better pacing and will definitely be a lot different, but still be about the lives of Pyxis, Ankyr, and their loved ones - that will never change. Some of your favorite characters might not be around as much in book 2, some might get a spotlight where they hadn’t before, and of course we’ll meet lots of new friends, and you’ll just have to decide what you think of each of them. :3 But I hope you have fun. Regardless of anything, thanks for reading. If you’ve read any of Look Alive, Sunshine, you have my Heart Containers, and my eternal gratitude. Please let me know what you think, if you’ve got the time. Love & hugs!

[rivetgoth]

I had this friend I met in the Hetalia fandom in like 8th-9th grade who was like, a lot older than me (I was like 12-13 when we met and she was like 17 or so), and we were REALLY close for a really long time, we'd talk and call every day and it got to a point where she was really dependent on me in this awful way where she would like constantly threaten suicide if I didn't answer her texts fast enough and shit like that. She was really rich cuz her dad was a doctor and one time she bought me an entire fucking Xbox One (I did not ask for it like... I'd always been a PlayStation gamer LOL) because she didn't have anyone to play Halo with her. My family still has it and uses it as a DVD player/Netflix machine.

Anyway the really batshit thing about this person (BESIDES the fact that she was like, definitely a pedophile who loved shota and frequently sexted me after she'd turned 18+ and I was like 14 and she also had both a bestiality and incest fetish that she'd talk to me about constantly ��� I was a kid I had no moral concept of anything and just liked being edgy and feeling mature) was that she was like. A chronic liar who constantly faked identities. And for years after cutting off contact with her I would look back and realize that she had faked even more than I had noticed at the time. The thing is, I knew for sure she wasn't lying about her home life -- Her address, what she looked like, her dad's profession, her age, her house, her pets, etc, were all things I had proof of. But when I knew her she was constantly remaking her Tumblr to escape drama she'd start, and she would constantly make side blogs under pseudonyms and pretend it wasn't her (sometimes it would be random shit like aesthetic blogs under different names or ask blogs for characters or smthn, other times it was like, callout blogs for people she had gotten into drama with where she would pretend to be someone else defending her). I assumed back then that I was always going to be in on it, because she would always tell me whenever she made one of these fake accounts, and sometimes she would encourage me to make a new account too as a sort of roleplay thing where we both pretended to be people we weren't... Until I learned that she wasn't always telling me. Every so often, I would become mutuals with a new account who would start messaging me about my interests and strike a conversation with me. Then something would slip and my "new mutual" would admit that they had actually been my friend all along... Which should have made me immediately cut contact because that's weird as shit, but I was young and she was a close friend, so I would just sorta accept it.

She ended up being like, horrifically transphobic. She got run off her blog twice for being specifically transmisogynistic, first insisting that she was allowed to headcanon canon trans women as feminine men and then on her next blog insisting that lesbians couldn't be attracted to trans women. I was still young and closeted and she was one of my closest friends and was constantly messaging me that the situation was making her suicidal and she was just wording things wrong and totally supported trans people and people just weren’t giving her the benefit of the doubt and she was still learning so I tried to just stay out of it without losing her. Then... I came out as trans lol. She stopped replying to me when I first came out and then made a bunch of vents on her tumblr about how much it upset her and about how “using he/him pronouns for AFAB people is triggering” for whatever fucking reason. She told me her “best IRL friend” who she had introduced me to once on Skype but who never logged in again after and who refused to ever do a group call or anything (definitely another fake account) said that it was irrational for me to expect my friends to respect my pronouns so soon after coming out and that I shouldn’t be upset if I get misgendered. Then she apologized but told me my name and pronouns would never fit me. As you can imagine, as a little baby trans kid who was closeted from my family and terrified of even having come to terms with being trans, I didn’t really have a great defense.

Soon she started being really woke like 2014 style Tumblr SJW to save face, she came out as nonbinary and told me in private it was because she felt bad when people called her cis during discourse (she absolutely wasn't nonbinary) and she coined a "new sexuality" that was "attraction only to people you perceive as feminine, regardless of how they identify" -- what this actually meant was "attraction to cis women and not trans women." She ran an aroace help blog despite not being aroace? And made a bunch of pride flags that I still see around sometimes to this day. She would start fights a lot and try to out-woke people and got into a bunch of drama with other SJW types of the day, got into a bunch of drama with TumblrInAction and Mogai-Watch and shit like that, and she claimed for a short while that she had a headmate (FWIW I totally believe DID is a legitimate thing but like. Trust me on this one.) who was transphobic and that it made her so sad, she told me that it was actually that headmate that had been transphobic before, and every so often her headmate would front out of nowhere and misgender me and use really abusive language like calling me a cunt or a bitch or whatever. She started making these "intersex nonbinary" OCs who she would constantly make porn of under the guise that they were representation for LGBT people who were just like, extremely fetishistic cuntboys and dickgirls (they were “intersex” to explain why they could be “girls with natal penises” or “boys with natal vaginas”).

At that same time, she somehow always managed to have these random, very sporadically active trans women mutuals who were apparently amazing friends of hers, who shared some interests with her but also would defend her when people brought up her past, with these long-winded “Well, I’m a trans woman and I think what she said is perfectly justified and everyone makes mistakes and she’s always been a good ally!!” Then one day some trans woman received an ask from her account where she claimed to be a “black trans woman” (she was, of course, a white cis woman) and she freaked out and claimed she had “been hacked by TiA or 4Chan to make her look bad” — I realize now she had just been sending anon messages pretending to be things she wasn’t and forgot to hit anon LOL. Late in all of this she also got into a bunch of hot water for being really antisemitic and saying she didn’t trust Jewish people because they were just like Christians and like, 5 seconds later she came out as Jewish and wrote this whole long sad vent about how she had had internalized antisemitism and then started going by a random Hebrew name LMAO.

In the end the final breaking point was when I found her secret TERF blog, where she had been making posts for months about how trans men are just insecure women who are trying to escape misogyny by stepping on the backs of “fellow women” and using me as a fucking example, and also saying that me not coming out as a trans man had been “basically rape” since she had been SEXTING me when she was 18+ and I was 13-14+ and that it was traumatic to know someone she had trusted was secretly identifying as a man LMAO. She was also obviously saying all sorts of transmisogynistic things, but also had these really bizarre fetish posts about wanting trans women to fuck her...? I confronted her about it and she literally fucking out of nowhere told me that she was in the emergency room with a mysterious illness that might kill her and she was allowed to have her phone but due to privacy laws couldn’t send a picture as proof. While “in the hospital” she deleted the TERF blog and her personal blog. I had known her for literal YEARS at this point (we had met when I was 12-13 or so and by the time we no longer spoke I was a few months from 17), and I was completely stunned to fucking hear this person trying to pull “I’m in the hospital with a deadly disease” at being confronted for some shit like that LMAO. I made a post about it on my public and another “trans woman friend” of hers logged in to vehemently defend her by saying that there’s nothing wrong with AFAB women being untrusting of trans people because female oppression is uniquely traumatic and that there’s nothing wrong with women expressing their sexuality by sexting minors as long as the minor consents and that I was the real predator for “hiding that I was a man” (remember, I’d been a 13 year old closeted trans boy), before never logging in again... 😭 One of the last times we ever talked was when she demanded I refund her for the fucking Xbox and I refused.

Anyway, the long-term aftermath of that is that a few people online (in some random cringe areas of the internet) who archived some of her antics still think that I also wasn’t a real person, since they caught onto how much she lied about too, so they think I was also a sock puppet and I have no interest in clarifying and making myself known to those people LOL. I have no fucking idea where she is now, she deactivated everything after her being a TERF came out. There’s like, so much more to that I could say because I knew her for YEARS and, like I said, she was one of my “closest friends.” Her parents had wildly expensive pure bred designer dogs that she would make Vines of. She wrote Beatles real person fan fiction. For her birthday one year I made her a shirt on Zazzle with an inside joke about one of her OCs... does she still have that? Either way, she was easily the most batshit person I’ve ever known closely online and I will forever associate the Hetalia fandom with people like that.

[complexptsdgirl]

I don’t write a lot. It’s kind of how I am. Just not into the whole keeping up with my posts kind of person. I keep it natural and write when I need to vent.

So, I have been doing so good! I’ve been working really hard on myself and my meds also kicked in, so I’ve been happy. Unfortunately I may have a backwards step. My uncle died today. Heavy shit. So, my brain is all over the place. My aunt called me this morning to tell me that he passed. He had been sick for a while from multiple things. He had cancers and heart attacks. He was only in his early 60s I believe.

I feel guilty for crying or grieving because I didn’t really like him or at least found him incredibly toxic. He was kind of a jerk. He was pretty aggressive with his son growing up, had been to jail for abusing my aunt like 30+ years ago, harassed me about my weight when I was pregnant etc…. However, I love my aunt so much. She’s my mother’s blood sister. She’s been more like a mom to me than my mom. (Always rooting for me, giving me great advice and honest opinions, being there for me for all of my big events in life, etc… when my grandma; my mom’s mom died (who I was close to) died, my mom stopped letting me see my aunt i & uncle. Some stupid disagreement or whatever and like always, my mom cut all ties with her. Which honestly made me sad, because she was an escape for me as a child growing up in a sexually and physically abusive home. When my mom was out of my life at about 15 or so years old, maybe older, I sought out my aunt and cousins. I wanted family I felt safe around again.

Sooooooo, that’s the short of all of the back story. It all makes me sad. My aunt is lost, because they were married for 33 years. So, I worry about her. Invasive memories are also popping in my head, so I think death probably triggers PTSD, so hooray! Lol

Selfishly, I’m scared of my mom showing up to the funeral services. I would have such a physics and shaky response if I saw her. Anytime I’ve even saw a Facebook message from her, I shake like a leaf. I need to be there for my aunt and cousin, so I will bring my husband with me as moral support while my in-laws watch my children.

So, stay tuned to watch how I unravel again…. JK I’ll totally be fine. I’m a tough bitch.