#trying to remind myself that shame is a product of growth

[hansoulo]

currently reckoning with the fact that the ghosts of my old self will be remembered forever.

[borderline-gays-club]

4/24/24. 11:38am

Some recent thoughts that have been stewing in my head for a few weeks:

I’m slowly feeling my BPD symptoms shedding and dissipating from my body and soul. And this current shedding does not feel temporary but rather a beginning to a new growth.

I’ve finally delved into the roots of my shame and am really going head first into it. Already this initial step has relieved such a huge weight off of myself. I feel lighter everyday , I feel more purposeful, and closer to healing this relationship with myself. It actually feels possible to enter remission before I’m 35. Honestly I might be able to by the time I’m 30 but I’m not gonna focus too much on the age, and will continue to take the time I need.

A few things that have really been working for me:

-moving very slow: I’ve had a really bad habit for basically my whole life of moving way too fast. I have to do 10 things in a day to feel accomplished. I have to finish this difficult thing by a very short period of time etc etc. I didn’t give myself time to just exist, and my whole existence was dedicated to production and proving my worth through that. And I lost myself completely in that. I didn’t give myself time to literally smell the flowers. I would feel guilty if I leisurely went about my day without doing a productive thing. But now I’m actually understanding productivity in a different way. This production mode I was in was really fuckin killing me. Both my body and soul. My identity became even more obscure and distant to me. And now I can sit and just talk to myself for hours without feeling like I have to rush through the day. I really am more intentional about rushing as little as possible. Ofc capitalism forces us all to move too fast, but I do my absolute best to fight that speed and to always prioritize slowness and gentleness.

-actually talking about my shame and trying really hard to understand it: this one is the most recent thing I’ve finally had the ability to pursue. It’s taken so long to actually enter this phase of my understanding of myself, and I’ve known how crucial it is but I was just too scared. This one has been really fucking hard to break through and I’m just starting so I don’t have much to say yet. But I’m moving through the process: no matter how painful the truth is more important than hiding in myself and being secretive. That has been the reason for this rot I’ve felt in my body for so long.

-doing things that are purely pleasurable and that are fully self ignited: when I say fully self ignited I mean something that doesn’t rely on outside things. And I guess I’m still trying to find a better way to say it, but I’m thinking of pleasure that doesn’t rely on things like substances or addictivite people or etc. basically pleasure outside of addictive highs whatever the source of that is. Cus even video games or food can be addictive which I’ve talked abt before. For example things I’ve found the most pleasurable have been things I make or actively participate in. Like writing stories, or singing, or boxing etc. I’ll find a better way to describe this one but hopefully I’m getting the idea across.

-revisiting and participating in childhood interests and joys: this one has been so healing for me in terms of understanding identity. I feel like the moment I started to lose a sense of self was when I started to try really hard to be liked and accepted instead of doing what I do and finding like minded ppl. So revisiting childhood interests has been reminding myself of what was important to me before I started to absorb others. It’s a good starting point to build upon and to shed all the ppl I’ve absorbed throughout most of my life.

-treating myself like I’m in a full time dedicated relationship with myself: I take myself out on dates. I have a dedicated day every week that is just for me, my solo day. I do whatever I want when I want. I eat what I want, I play my games that I want, I watch what I want, etc. and even throughout the week I’ll have moments where I get a nice coffee for myself or do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but haven’t been able to. This isn’t like necessary lol but I do kinda treat myself like 2 ppl and will have full convos with myself. It helps to think of myself as 2 bc then I can feel like I’m caring for another while also caring for myself.

-reading/listening/learning abt vast range of topics that eventually overlap with BPD related things. Basically diversifying my sources of knowledge instead of boxing myself in just psychiatry/therapy worlds: this one took a long time bc the immediate resources you find when you just Google BPD fuckin suck. And everything that is easy to find is stuck in DBT and western thought. With that said, DBT has definitely helped me a lot, but I think it was best as an introduction rather than the full solution. I mean I remember being like huh?? When I found out that DBT was treated like a bible within BPD treatment. I knew deep down that relying on one method to treat such a vast range of experiences is not realistic. There’s no such thing as one size fits all. Every individual is too complex and layered even with the same diagnoses. But I will say it’s very tricky to navigate finding other ways of treatment/understand self bc it can be easy to fall into traps of cultish ideologies or “self help” things that are really actually fucked up and make you regress. Outside of DBT stuff though a lot of things that have helped me better understand myself has been general emotion science, anything that really analyzes shame, reading books abt my own specific sources of shame, disability justice, and idk a lot of other stuff! I still haven’t allowed myself to get into reading abt spirituality stuff cus I’m just not ready yet. But slowly I’ll get there to better understand where I come from and where my lineage lies.

-finding and maintaining community: this one is also hard in the beginning and tbh is not always possible. But the more I grow, the easier it becomes to maintain relationships that eventually lead to a community. Like my immediate community is only 3 ppl including myself but even just that has been so amazing. We all have slowly learned how to support each other esp as we are all neurodivergent and disabled and it’s been genuinely beautiful. I’m lucky to find the friends that I have, and I’m also so happy to be in a place where I can healthily support my friends too. And now I’m able to look for community in different ways. And I’m also at a place where I can set boundaries with others and a lot more quickly sniff out red flags and keep distance when it’s needed.

Anyway I’m really proud of myself to be in the place I am. I really could not see a future for myself until Mayb like 2 yrs ago and now I’m more hopeful than ever. It’s been so fucking hard but I’m so grateful that I have been dedicated to change. And!! Not to mention I haven’t been able to go o therapy as much as I wud like bc im broke as shit, but I’m still able to grow on my own in a steady pace. And now I’m really seeing it in myself as I continue to work through all of it. I can genuinely say I love myself and wow I haven’t felt that way since I was a kid probably (excluding euphoria and manic episodes lol). Thank u to anyone who’s read this far and I wish you the absolute best in your own healing journey.

[bengiyo]

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us Rambling with Thoughts on Queer Art

I’ve been thinking about the finale of 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us all week, and have been absorbing the complex reactions folks have been having. When I first finished the show, I felt I was experiencing similar feelings to the end of Weekend (2011), and English film; and Giovanni’s Room, a novel by James Baldwin. Both stories left me feeling melancholy, but asked me to look inside myself and think about who I wanted to be beyond the story itself.

I think occasionally we come across a piece of work that cuts deeply to the big ideas tearing the author apart. Like Baldwin, I think Punnasak Sukee is haunted by the constructs of the world we live in and his limited ability to impact it as an intellectual and and artist. I think this comes through so clearly via Inthawut, who is clearly well-educated, thoughtful, and deeply-philosophical. However, at his core, Inthawut is a coward who has been punishing himself in his mountain home for all of the wrongs he’s inflicted upon others in his life. I’m in my 30s now, and I have many regrets about things I did or didn’t do when I was a teen and in my early 20s. I find myself identifying with In so much more than Wang when I watched this show, and so I was deeply sad for In because I understood why he made the choices he did.

I think when you read Baldwin, or if you watch a film like Weekend, you can feel the creatives behind them struggling with the world. Baldwin’s lead in Giovanni’s room is a spoiled American expat living off the graces of others, particularly his poor lover in France. It’s interesting that the title doesn’t have the lead’s name, and I can’t recall it from memory (it’s David). Though this novel ends tragically, the interior struggle with sexuality and our place in it lingers for me. Similarly, Weekend explores the brief fling between two gay men with different approaches to being out and the potential of what their lives might be if one of them wasn’t leaving. There is a familiar ache here that I felt at the end of 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us.

At the end of the show, the creators ask that parents not try to enforce ownership over their children. It reminds young people that pain is a part of growth. It reminds the “wise” not to fall by the wayside in our cowardice; it demands we pick a side. I don’t think the show is capable of giving a happy ending when there’s so much work to be done in the world for the oppressed. In a show about the way homophobia broke three people and forever dominated Wang’s upbringing, this show is asking us to be involved in making the future. I said this in the 180 Degree Discord, but I think the show is reminding us that the real fight is in the streets and where the decisions are being made. If melancholy queer productions can break us, we will not survive the fights that are to come. It’s not a joy to give this reminder, but so many of us have not survived the fight. I think that if you walked away from his show sad about In and frustrated for Wang, you’ve arrived at the intent of the show. We don’t want to create more folks like In, and we want to heal those trapped in their own grief, shame, and regret. We want to make the world better for the young people like Wang.

I saw some frustrations about the ending being sad, and as someone who experienced most of my formative queer experience in the art of the survivors of the worst of the AIDS epidemic, I think queer art in particular can and should tackle grief, regret, and frustration. I don’t think Punnasak Sukee has the answers; I think he’s sharing some of the things that continue to grip him at his core. He’s asking us to see these things in ourselves also and choose to do something with those feelings beyond despair and emotional paralysis. It’s not always fun being challenged by the media we enjoy, but I like being reminded of the shared experience we have as queer people that we sometimes struggle to articulate.

So I hope you gained something from watching 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us. I will do my best not to let my wisdom turn me into a coward. I will choose a side.

[garden-with-squid]

Yearly Garden Review - 2023

1/11/2024

The garden has improved so much over the past year.  I grew, harvested, and learned so much more than I did last year.  And that’s despite the weird weather - this was a very wet, gloomy year in SoCal, even into June and July.  

Highlights:

We loved the tulips this year and plan to plant out more chilled bulbs soon.

Surprise potato harvest in bed 2

Bed 3 was so incredibly beautiful in the spring - purple alyssum beneath fresh, green growth.  The alyssum also helped with water retention and attracting beneficial insects.  The soil in bed 3 felt loose and healthy compared to other beds that time of year.

Larger harvests of peppers, eggplants, and so so many tomatoes.  I couldn’t believe how tall the tomato plants grew!  We ate them all the time and they were delicious, especially the Black Cherry.

We cooked and ate more of our harvests.  Delicious omelettes, pasta, soups, and stuffed peppers on Halloween.

Installed ollas - extremely helpful!  Really helps keep water more consistent.

Grew delicious broccoli.  There are side shoots still growing too.  I didn’t realize how big broccoli plants actually get.  Bed 2 looks great still.

Ordered a tea plant.  It’s pretty dead now, but it was nice having a camellia for a bit.

The jasmine bounced back and bloomed a bit!

Got local compost and made my own potting mix

The dragonfruit is still alive, and hopefully will grow more this spring.

Notes for improvement:

I struggled to germinate seeds, both direct sown and started indoors.  The care/watering is hard for me to do consistently.  It was a real shame to kill all the shallot seedlings in particular - I was really hoping to grow some since they’re harder to find in store.

Lots of dead plants.  If I stopped talking about any particular plant in the logbook, it’s because it died.  The rosemary and lavender plants in bed 4 will probably need to be replaced this spring.  A lot of flowers and container plants didn’t make it.  For some reason, sunflowers struggled a lot too.

Aphids, cabbage worms, and rodents.  Barrier protection would probably help a lot, plus more consistent watering.  I did see a good number of ladybugs and larva this year.

Garden fatigue hit at different points in the year, usually when work was stressful or it felt like my garden wasn’t as good as it should have been.  But it helped to remind myself how much better I’ve become since last year, and that it will continue to get better as I gain more experience.  

Looking forward to the year ahead, I want to harvest many things in the summer/fall - okra and watermelon for my uncle, more nightshades, onions, pumpkins, and flowers.  I want to try growing on the trellis (I plan to install one more).  Most of the work will happen in March/April - that’s when the cover crops in beds 1 and 3 will be ready to turn in and transplant time for all the summer crops.

I’m currently using the wintertime to take a break, only checking the garden once a week or so.  While I could grow a winter garden in my zone, I find I’m very lazy on cold mornings, and having a season of rest is important to me symbolically.  

I think I have a solid foundation of skill and experience to build on, so I hope to have a very productive garden this year.  We’re also supposed to have another wet season coming up. So we’ll see how that affects things.  Very fitting for Year of the Dragon!

[recoverywithgh0ul]

Hey there! Ghoul here, welcome back to a what to annooother what I eat in a day~ Coming up on day 4 now (day 3 for instagram users), from now on I’m just going to refer to the total of days I’ve started this to make things easier lol. So far today has been pretty good, have a lot of plans, and I’m going to be very productive in terms of recipe planning and trying stuff out, so stay tuned~ also any inspiration I take from other recipes, I’ll link the OG one so, you guys can check it out. Without further a-due, lets get into the meals from the day. :>

(Also as usual a disclaimer, what I eat, is not a reflection of what you should be eating for you, of course you can take inspiration. Though at the end of the day, you should listen to your body, and fuel it with what it needs to thrive, keep going, you got this, choose recovery <3)

Breakfast~

For breakfast it was pretty straightforward and simple, I had half a breakfast sandwich, air fried potatoes, and apple slices~

(Breakfast was very good, and i was very excited for it. This made me realize, i don’t hate food, i actually really enjoy it- I’m just terrified of it and how out of control i get around it. But as long as i treat it as fuel and something to nourish my body and not emotional support. Everything will be okay <3)

Snack~

For a snack I just had four apple slices,,( I personally wasn’t very mentally hungry, but my body was physically hungry)

Lunch~

Rest of chili oil soup, 2 frozen taquitos, and green beans topped with honey and spicy garlic sauce, I also had a side of avocado~

(Lunch wasn’t the most mentally satisfying, but other than that it was good~)

Snack~

Avocado toast with tomato and sweet bell pepper, drizzled with honey and spicy garlic sauce

(Honestly so good 10/10 and a bit of a comfort meal, without turning to something like chips that would trigger a binge. Knowing your triggers can be so beneficial, especially when you’re in high stress situations/lh)

Dinner~

A repeat meal of yesterday too finish off leftovers, just adding the picture from yesterday as well~ spaghetti and meatballs with a side of BBQ broccoli and Brussels sprouts, i also had a few chips because i was craving them

Snack~

So for a night snack, i had a mini doughnut and a spoonful of PB and some frozen blueberries

(Tonight ended with not the best thought’s the feeling of being perceived honestly wasn’t the best, so there was a lot of shame around the fact that i was hungry, or was going back to the kitchen, etc. And unfortunately it just ended with me hardcore judging myself, but I’m gently trying to remind myself, I’m allowed to eat, and the fact that i might be having another meal or dessert, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. I was originally not going to get a picture because shame, but I’m going to prove to myself it’s okay, because it is. Stay strong, love yourself~ you deserve it <3)

Drinks~

Iced coffee

Water throughout the day(that I spilled like twice today rip :/ )

Low carb energy drink(not for diet, just for the taste)

Aloe Vera pineapple juice

As another what I eat in a day comes to a close, I’m realizing that no matter how anxious, or stressed I might feel, no matter how much food I consume- it’s not fixing anything. I’t a temporary fix, and eventually I’ll have to face the problem again. And the after affects and shame isn’t worth the temporary relief. It can be scary opening up to people or loved ones, but utilizing a support can be so vital in times like this, or just utilizing a good hobby. I know some days may feel harder than others, the beginning is always the hardest, but sticking with it, and choosing yourself will eventually come full circle and you will be able to look at your growth and feel proud. <3 Don’t give up, choose recovery, choose yourselves, until tomorrow~

[perpetual-fool]

I guess none of this is strange, really, humans being social animals. It's only natural to see what others are doing and that that's what you're supposed to do. Or, to hate yourself for the things others don't like. I think I need a new word for the feeling. 'Shame' comes with the assumption that whatever it was was bad/wrong is some objective-social sense. This feels right, like my kind of idea. It's built on very simple principles, it explains the thing concisely, and is free of social bullshit; elegant. This explains a whole lot of behavior, actually.

I can feel the connections changing. The pain is lifting.

(https://youtu.be/c_2gHmpZmzU)

- The morning reset is still happening. Though it's a little bit different than it was yesterday. Still, every little bit of progress dredges up feelings. Again, my morning alarm reminds me of that song, and her, and the longing for love. (https://youtu.be/6C9Un8Xd6-8) Again I'm blaming myself for who I was, the things I did when I Was forced to be that person. And for what I did when I was just starting to change. Again I'm feeling like I'm not good enough if I can't be like [accomplished musician], despite knowing their path is not for me. Again I feel like a freak for not being able to take that path. Again I'm tempted to try and reach out, as if with this new information, this time things might be different. Again I'm imagining what I might say to people if I met them again. And again I'm not really accepting that the reason things went so wildly wrong in the first place was not because of me. Again I'm imagining someone thinking I'm a fucking piece of shit for daring to think it might not be my fault. Despite knowing that, for instance, I am objectively correct about the guitar thing.

But things have changed, just a little bit. I'm not just stuck in a downwards spiral. I'm leveling out. Things aren't quite so bad today. And I can see a path forward. I probably won't ever be a productive member of society or what have you. But I could be something that I'm proud of. If I can stop hating myself for not being more than I am, then I can start taking those little steps to being more. Like, I looked up a thing about opera singing, wondering how they do that/why they sound like that. Posture is a big part of it, opening up the lungs and letting them resonate or something. So, back straight, shoulders pulled back, hips rolled forward, and suddenly I can breathe more deeply than I ever have and sound twice as good as I did before. And growth is just a thousand little steps like that. I could be so much, so long as I don't have to be something else.

And tomorrow if I can wake up being changed a little bit more, and the morning after, and the one after that, then maybe things will be okay.

(https://youtu.be/zJ6hBNbqO7s)

[rulltart]

maybe this is just a quarter-life crisis

Charles Howard Hinton / The Fourth Dimension, Tesseract, 1904

I wonder when my thoughts became words and visions became actions. Even now, I still hear sporadically the same renditions of my studio professor's voice:

less thinking, more doing

And with good reason. What good are ideas without product, design without execution, dreams without realities? As a child, as a student, I was so averse to the concrete. Putting labels on things, trying to define and place them within accepted terms seemed destructive rather than constructive, spoiling the raw, the undefined, and the intangible. It was and still is such a relief for me to find in the English language words (or snippets of them) that mean everything and absolutely nothing at the same time:

entity  being  et cetera  miscellaneous  somehow  -ness  -ism

and that I can use undefined and intangible as both adjectives and nouns

and that I can overuse maybe and i think and i guess with no shame.

It is possibly possibility itself that makes the unknown phenomenal and the indeterminate wonderful. In the same way, it is potentially the very potential of potentiality that makes youth precious, children endearing, and growth magical. Up until the point of...

I wonder when I became an “adult,” or whatever that means. Yesterday I spoke to a stranger who used to study music in school. I learned she now spends her free time singing Broadway on online karaoke apps. Today I thought about Zaha Hadid, my first architect crush, then Sou Fujimoto then Kazuyo Sejima. Soon after, I disconnected from the server of my 9 to 5 "designer” job, or whatever that means.

Maybe this is just a quarter-life crisis.

The torment of banality and mediocrity. The deficiency of routine. The reality of day-in and day-out, setting the stage for a revolutionary achievement, absent still. Yet for a crisis, it’s strange that I am quite at peace. And as I now hear the renditions of my own, newly grown-up voice:

it’s okay to not be okay

it’s not okay to be okay

It’s okay.

Well, with less certainty, more chaos, passion, drive, and everything this generation should be:

Maybe it’s okay,

that potential was a filler and that I’m 90% fluff, distractions, excuses, and everything else that’s wrong with this generation. But very soft fluff, the most spectacular distractions, and every excuse to be happy and okay!

And with good reason. I think back to my aversion to concrete. While that was undoubtedly a magical time, I am also beginning to catch on to the magic of our mundane realities. The sharp edges and boundaries I once feared are now comforting, reminding me that they are real, they exist, and I exist in tandem. Sometimes that’s the most we can ask and expect, that thing happened, this day passed, I’m here, and maybe that’s sufficient. My mind wanders yet I have words to speak and actions to take, and while things do get lost in translation and lost across dimensions, art and life reflect each other, and I am responsible in a way for representing my reality, however it may be interpreted.

So maybe it’s okay to be okay! I am confused, still translating, still processing, unknown to myself. But I have a Name, a few too many unused nicknames, and a place in this magical Earth.

[pagan-witch-chronicles]

Shadow Work and My Experiences With It

When it comes to witchcraft, there comes a time where you must face your own shadow.

“Each of us is like Dorian Grey. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world, a kind courteous demeanor; a youthful intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that do not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy - hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame - and those behaviors that are deemed wrong by the culture - addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency - thereby creating shadow content. Like Dorian’s paintings,  these qualities take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just behind our life or just beside it. 

We generally seek to punish that which reminds us and makes us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and often “see” these disowned qualities in the world around us. “

When we do not want to acknowledge traumas, events, or parts of ourselves - the brain tends to automatically categorize these pieces and fragments of our selves and our memories into the dark, far corners of our minds where they may be forgotten. These are things that simply happen unconsciously, causing the growth and production of our “shadows.”

Shadow work is a typically intense practice in which we delve deeper into the self in an attempt to embrace these lost pieces of ourselves. I typically tackle my shadow work by practicing mindfulness and through meditation. There are many reasons why one would want to try shadow work - one of my own reasons being to tackle a trauma that was affecting my every day life.

Trauma can cause the mind to shatter,  splintering off into several pieces. When someone becomes ashamed of these parts of themselves, of course they actively try to hide and shield these fragments as a form of protection. In order to begin my shadow working journey, I needed to acknowledge these fractured pieces of my own soul and accept them - no matter how “broken” I wanted to believe they were. But this idea of these fragments being separate from myself was just an illusion - of course these pieces were still part of me. I just needed to learn that and accept it myself.

Shadow work is by no means, easy. Through meditation, I allow any and all memories and past traumas to revisit my conscious mind so that I may hope to learn from them and accept them. It is different than reliving painful events for me, rather I am freely and consciously allowing myself to feel the emotions tied to each event in the hopes that I may begin to heal from them. Shadow work is not for the faint of heart. It comes and goes, and not always when I have the time or want to acknowledge past traumas. We do not always have control of when our subconscious minds cry out to us, begging to be heard and that’s okay. When the strong waves of emotion come, I do my best to acknowledge what I feel and let it take its course. I try to understand where the feelings are coming from, and make attempts to mindfully acknowledge them so that my shadow can be heard. When I practice shadow work, I practice extreme self care. The emotions and feelings my subconscious may bring up can sometimes be very painful, and I treat my self very carefully. I prepare a bath with lots of bubbles and different herbs, and on the particularly bad days I also add a few drops of essential oils and bring some crystals with me. Candles are optional. I take care to be gentle and patient with myself, and if I feel the need to cry then I let myself cry. I let my self be vulnerable, which can also be very difficult - however by being vulnerable with my self, I find that I am often able to learn and accept more about myself than I had known before. I meditate on these feelings, and assess where they are coming from and why. Usually when I practice shadow work, it is because stressors in my present life are subconsciously reminding me of previous situations or scenarios I have been in before that I have not fully accepted or moved past just yet. You cannot rush the healing process - assuming you have moved past traumas or forcing yourself to forget them is what dooms most of us from the start. The first lesson of shadow work is to force nothing. You have to let your thoughts and emotions flow free, without limiting them. Now obviously you don't want to let your anger run rampant and take it out on others, but you want to let out all those emotions in healthy ways without simply burying them. When you bottle up your emotions, you only do harm to yourself. Instead of avoiding them, working through them has helped me grow in leaps and bounds. I was able to work past some of my rougher childhood traumas and understand them. I was able to understand and in some cases, forgive some of my aggressors. Not forget them or what they’ve done to me, but forgive them. This has also done wonders for my self confidence and mental health. The process takes time, and it’s never really over. Once you start, you’re never really done with it.

In my experience, shadow work can be incredibly liberating given time and patience. These things just do not work or happen over night. In fact, more often than not my deities will send me shadow work because I am avoiding issues that I allow to keep reappearing. That happens, it’s normal. Shadow work is not always pleasant, and I do not, by any means, encourage baby witches to practice it without at least some experience in the craft and stable support systems. Shadow work is so much more than practicing mindfulness, because the state of your self and your mental health is incredibly important. You cannot simply wish the pains of your traumas away or banish them so simply; there are layers and layers of effects and learned behaviors that usually need to be worked through. This also does not come over night. In order to practice shadow work, you need an extreme and in depth knowledge and understanding of yourself, and an open mind. More often than not, you come face to face with thoughts and aspects of yourself you have not faced in far too long- parts and sides of your self that may be surprising or startle you. Know thy self. You must be firm in your belief and identity to face your shadow and remain unscathed. This is not some simple thing to address, and it is not something to make light of. Your shadow will break you given the chance, especially after prolonged ignorance. If you refuse to accept your shadow self, it can and will kill your spirit. It will poison your soul. But when practiced and done safely and correctly, shadow work offers you all that you need to heal your wounded soul and liberate the self. Yes, it’s daunting. Yes, it’s dangerous. No, if you have a history of mental illness or other illnesses, this probably isn’t a great idea for you. This has simply been a post on my own feelings and experiences with shadow work, and hopefully a useful new perspective on the workings. 

[la-paritalienne]

Eve!!!! Need your thoughts about Taylor's album!!!! 💓💓💓💓💓💓

i love getting asked :”(((((( :”))))))) thank uuuuuuuu. let’s get to it. as usual, it’s an almost-first impression (normally i write my basic thoughts during the first listen – yeah i’d started doing it before getting this, you know, just in case – and then i review them w a second one, where i also select my favourite passage). sooo, let’s go

♡♡♡♡

the 1 — such sweet yet heartbreaking lyrics... very soft sound, if it sets the mood for the album im 100 per cent in! This one didn’t stick w me after one listen, but after the second i was like wooow! I love how she says waking up alone ughhh. 8

fave lyrics: persist and resist the temptation to ask you / if one thing had been different / would everything be different today?

cardigan — !!!!!!! the sound has that bittersweet something that gets under your skin and makes you nostalgic for something you can’t even pinpoint. it reminds me of the softest lana, especially in nfr (eg bartender!!). i’m in awe. instant obsession!!!! the ending takes you to another plane of existence – ‘cause i knew everything when i was young... i knew you’d miss me... you’d come back to me. also i’m crying. 10+

[it’s hard to choose bc the whole song reads like poetry but i’m especially obsessed w] giving me your weekends; once in twenty lifetimes; tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy; you drew stars around my scars

the last great american dynasty — storytelling on pointttt and sound, too! telling the story of someone she bought her house from?? the genius jumped out. she paints it like a romantic portrait, mad woman pacing on the shore, but then also gatsbian, the crazy parties, dali... and then takes it back to today w the key lime green dog, idk, iconic. i want to know this woman. this song truly takes you somewhere else, i thought it was a bit repetitive but then the bridge came in and the final vocals plus i had a marvelous time ruining everything, i have to stan! 8+

there goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen / she had a marvelous time ruining everything

exile — ok wow, bon iver’s voice is something else!!!! i was kind of ignorant when it came to him, i admit. his depth and rasp paired with how angelic she sounds... heavenly. sound-wise, but also thematically, this vaguely reminds me of tomorrow never came w lana and sean ono lennon. (one of my fave songs of all time maybe?). the way they enunciate i think i’ve seen this film before is literally a work of art all in itself, not to mention – well i’m mentioning it bc it’s worth it! – the you never gave a warning sign vs the way she goes over it w i gave so many signs. god this makes me feel sooooo sad and like, involved. it’s so beautiful. 10

you’re not my homeland anymore / so what am i defending now?

my tears ricochet — ok wtfffff??? everything about this speaks to my soul. the airy voice, the way she sets the scene... sunlit room, the funeral metaphor, you turned into your worst fears. i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace speaks to me more than anything, but just, everything about the lyrics. truly something else, cursing my name / wishing i stayed gives me chills everytime she says it. the beat that gets more insistent towards the end, with the bridge....... the high notes that then fade..... just wow. 10

and i can go anywhere i want / anywhere i want, just not home / and you can aim for my heart, go for blood / but you would still miss me in your bones / and i still talk to you when i’m screaming at the sky / and when you can’t sleep at night you hear my stolen lullabies

mirrorball — love the lyrics, maybe a bit less the sound? i mean i do love the sound, so far i’m loving how softly produced and coherent this album is, but this one i wouldn’t listen to on repeat and maybe there’s something a bit whiny that i don’t love. powerful meaning tho, and who’d use a mirrorball as a metaphor for feeling like you’re fragile, trying too hard to be a people-pleaser and no one sees the real you? 7

i’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me

seven — ah........ i started crying as soon as this one started, pleeease picture me in the trees, i hit my peak at seven....... like ok there’s no need to go that hard??? it’s so dreamy and like... naïf? in a perfect way. the way she says i still got love for you...... and everything else... she mentions folk songs... the purest love described in the purest way. i don’t think i have enough words to descrive the way this song moves me. like i want to listen to it again and again, to be able to feel like that again, but also i’m almost scared to listen bc it touches me too deeply. i still will tho hehe. 10+ (also just realised this is track 7 ok makes sense but my mind is blown. 100)

[this is literally deeper than a shakespeare sonnet so everything literally is my fave but, having to choose] and i’ve been meaning to tell you / i think your house is haunted / your dad is always mad and that must be why / and i think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates / then you won’t have to cry / or hide in the closet / and just like a folk song / our love will be passed on

august — i love the contrast between the lighthearted, happy singing and guitars and the sad lyrics. the story it tells is so simple and yet there’s so much poetry in that... plus it reminds me of fearless or even speak now?? which are like. the taylor that gets to my heart, tbh. the bridge and the outro made the song for me. 8,5

for me, it was enough / to live for the hope of it all / canceled plans just in case you’d call

this is me trying — oh god... lyrically this song is so raw and honest, it gives me chills! i do have to say, i don’t love how she says i just wanted to know (like metrically?? idk, im weird) but these are really just small comments on amazing songs, bc i feel like all i’m saying is wow this is great, lyrics and sound, but it truly is a complete and consistent work of art, easily listened to top to bottom each time. 8-

they told me all of my cages were mental / so got wasted like all my potential / and my words shoot to kill when i’m mad / i have a lot of regrets about that

illicit affairs — ok this goes without saying but i love storyteller taylor, it’s the taylor i grew up loving and singing to in my room. the thing about most of these songs, this one included, is that they probably grow on you after a few listens, bc they’re not made to be catchy, the production and backgrounds are always very soft and some i love more than others. this one musically maybe isn’t my fave but the narration is on point, and the bridge?? the fuckkkk. plus it has one of mt favourite themes ever which is so rarely spoken about, which is the fact that language you only speak w a particular someone you love, makes you miss them even more when they’re gone. or well not exactly this but i can’t put it into words, she did tho. 8+

you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else / and you know damn well / for you, i would ruin myself / a million little times

invisible string — the color theme!!! the guitar strumming!!! and the idea of an invisible tie w someone special... i do think she outdid herself w this album. again, not my fave soundwise, maybe slightly whiny when she goes meEeeEee? but, lyrically adorable and moving. 7,5

one single thread of gold / tied me to you

mad woman — maam...... this is iconic shit........ how could she say stuff like this w such a dreamy, breathy voice. musically i get huuuge lana’a nfr vibes again (which i mean. goals) but i also adore that lyrically it’s so taylor, no one would say this shit the way she does. adore how she sings to wrap your news around and bonus for women like hunting witches too, i do love me a nod to the fact that some women are so deeply filled w machism that they’re basically men in disguise. 8,5 

every time you call me crazy, i get more crazy / what about that? / and when you say i seem angry, i get more angry [isn’t this just womanhood condensed in a few lines]

epiphany — aw! it sounds like a lullaby, maybe it’s slightly ‘boring’ for my taste? meaning i get distracted which is surely a shame bc the words seem beautiful, but it’s so soft i just drift off? but reading the lyrics – for focus hehe – i’m moved. 7+

only twenty minutes to sleep / but you dream of some epiphany / just one single glimpse of relief / to make some sense of what you’ve seen

betty — okay byeeeeeeeeee. this is taylor at her finest! countryyyyyyyy, storytelling, lesbian jdjdfk no yeah I know I knowww, romance went sour. gut wrenching and beautiful, this feels like... watching a sad teen movie but w a sepia filter, idk. i dreamt of you all summer long oh my......... it’s like og taylor from her iconic first couple of albums came back but w all her baggage and growth and experience and better than ever. also why does taylor sing so wel about being in love w a woman????? well. 10+

betty, right now is the last time / i can dream about what happens when / you see my face again

peace — ..........yes yes yes. the high notes, the honesty, the syncopated parts where she says so much so quick and yet it still hits you. it’s not even a short song but it ends too soon, it goes by like that..... a poem. omg it just hit me this has flo vibes! especially from high as hope, for example grace or south london forever?? i mean... taylor doing alt folk country pop...... queen. give you my wild, give you a child?? ok ok. 10

all these people think love’s for show / but i would die for you in secret

hoax — weeeell the lana inspo jumped out w that piano!!!!! and like. mood. and lyrics...... this reminds me of wuthering heights or of lana’s tormented love stories (shades of blue.....). a powerful closer. poetry. 9

i am ash from your fire

♡♡♡♡

okkkkk this was a flattering review, very well deserved imo since the review is mine gjgjhkhk i agree w myself. thank you again and as i always say, feel free to come back w your comments! and have a great dayyyyy! much love

[the-end-of-art]

No wonder our communities seem organized to keep suffering at a distance

“The Interruptions are my work” by Henri Nouwen

 (Henri Nouwen—Turn My Mourning into Dancing, p. 5-11)

    When I came to Daybreak, the community of ministry to disable people where I have been pastor, I was experiencing a great deal of personal pain. My many years in the world of academics, my travels among the poor in Central America, and later, my speaking around the world about what I had seen, left me deflated. My schedule kept me running hard and fast. Rather than providing an escape from my own inner conflicts, my scurrying from speaking engagement to speaking engagement only intensified my inner turmoil. And because of my schedule, I could not fully face my pain. I carried on with the illusion that I was in control, that I could avoid what I did not want to face within myself and in the world around me.

    But when I arrived, I witnessed the enormous suffering of the mentally and physically handicapped persons living here. I came gradually to see my painful problems in a new light. I realised they formed part of a much larger suffering. And I found through that insight new energy to live amid my own hardship and pain.

    I realised that healing begins with our taking our pain out of its diabolic isolation and seeing that whatever we suffer, we suffer it in communion with all of humanity, and yes, all of creation. In so doing, we become participants in the great battle against the powers of darkness. Our little lives participate in something larger.

    I also found something else here: people asking not so much “How can I get rid of my suffering?” but “How can I make it an occasion for growth and insight?” Among these people, most of whom cannot read, many of whom cannot care for themselves, among men and women rejected by a world that values only the whole and bright and healthy, I saw people learning how to make the connection between human suffering and God’s suffering. They helped me to see how the way through suffering is not to deny it, but to live fully in the midst of it. They were asking how they could turn pain from a long interruption into an opportunity.

    How do we make such connection ourselves? How do we make this shift from evading our pain to asking God to redeem and make good use of it?

    An early step in the dance sounds very simple, though often will not come easily: We are called to grieve our losses. It seems paradoxical, but healing and dancing begin with looking squarely at what causes us pain. We face the secret losses that have paralysed us and kept us imprisoned in denial or shame or guilt. We do not nurse the illusion that we can hopscotch our way through difficulties. For by trying to hide parts of our story from God’s eye and our own consciousness, we become judges of our own past. We limit divine mercy to our human fears. Our efforts to disconnect ourselves from our own suffering, end up disconnecting our suffering from God’s suffering for us. The way out of our loss and hurt is in and through. When Jesus said, “For I have come to call not the righteous but sinners” (Matthew 9:13), He affirmed that only those who can face their wounded condition can be available for healing and enter a new way of living.

    Sometimes we need to ask ourselves just what our losses are. Doing so reminds us how real the experience of loss is. Perhaps you know what it is to have a parent die. How well I remember the grief I felt after my mother’s illness and death. We may experience the death of a child or of friends. And we lose people, sometimes just as painfully, through misunderstanding, conflict, or anger. I may expect a friend to visit, but he does not come. I speak to a group and expect a warm reception but no one really seems to respond. Someone may take from us a job, a career, a good name.

    We may watch hopes flicker through growing infirmity, or dreams vanish through the betrayal of someone we trusted for along time. A family member may walk out in anger and we wonder if we have failed. Sometimes our sense of loss feels large indeed: I read the newspaper and find things only worse than the day before. Our souls grow sad because of poverty or the destruction of so much natural beauty in our world. And we may lose meaning in our lives, not only because our hearts become tired, but also because someone ridicules long-cherished ways of thinking and praying. Our convictions suddenly seem old-fashioned, unnecessary. Even our faith seems shaky. Such are the potential disappointments of any life.

    Typically we see such hardship as an obstacle to what we think we should be—healthy, good-looking, free of discomfort. We consider suffering as annoying at best, meaningless at worst. We strive to get rid of our pains in whatever way we can. A part of us prefers the illusion that our losses are not real, that they come only as temporary interruptions. We thereby expend much energy in denial. “They should not prevent us from holding on to the real thing,” we say to ourselves.

    Several temptations feed this denial. Our incessant busyness, for example, becomes a way to escape what must some days be confronted. The world in which we live lies in the power of the Evil One, and the Evil One would prefer to distract us and fill every little space with things to do, people to meet, business to accomplish, products to be made. He does not allow any space for genuine grief and mourning. Our busyness becomes a curse, even while we think it provides us with relief from the pain inside. Our over packed lives serve only to keep us from facing the inevitable difficulty that we all, at some time or another, must face.

    The voice of evil also tries to tempt us to put on an invincible front. Words such as vulnerability, letting go, surrendering, crying, mourning, and grief are not to be found in the devil’s dictionary. Someone once said to me, “Never show your weakness, for you will be used; never be vulnerable, for you will get hurt; never depend on others, for you will lose your freedom.” This might sound very wise, but it does not echo the voice of wisdom. It mimics a world that wants us to respect without question the social boundaries and compulsions that our society has defined for us.

    Facing our losses also means avoiding a temptation to see life as an exercise in having needs met. We are needy people, of course: We want attention, affection, influence, power. And our needs seem never to be satisfied. Even altruistic actions can get tangled with these needs. Then, when people or circumstances do not fulfil all of our needs, we withdraw or lash out. We nurse our wounded spirits. And we become even needier. We crave easy assurances, ignoring anything that would suggest another way.

    We also like easy victories: growth without crisis, healing without pains, the resurrection without the cross. No wonder we enjoy watching parades and shouting out to returning heroes, miracle workers, and record breakers. No wonder our communities seem organised to keep suffering at a distance: People are buried in ways that shroud death with euphemism and ornate furnishings. Institutions hide away the mentally ill and criminal offenders in a continuing denial that they belong to the human family. Even our daily customs lead us to cloak our feelings and speak politely through clenched teeth and prevent honest, healing confrontation. Friendships become superficial and temporary.

    The way of Jesus looks very different. While Jesus brought great comfort and came with kind words and a healing touch, He did not come to take all our pains away. Jesus entered into Jerusalem in His last days on a donkey, like a clown at a parade. This was His way of reminding us that we fool ourselves when we insist on easy victories. When we think we can succeed in cloaking what ails us and our times in pleasantness. Much that is worthwhile comes only through confrontation.

    The way from Palm Sunday to is the patient way, the suffering way. Indeed, our word patience comes from the ancient root patior, “to suffer.” To learn patience is not to rebel against every hardship. For if we insist on continuing to cover our pains with easy “Hosannas,” we run the risk of losing our patience. We are likely to become bitter and cynical or violent and aggressive when the shallowness of the easy way wears through.

    Instead, Christ invites us to remain in touch with the many suffering of every day and to taste the beginning of hope and new life right there, where we live amid our hurts and pains and brokenness. By observing His life, His followers discover that when all of the crowd’s “Hosannas” had fallen silent, when disciples and friends had left Him, and after Jesus cried out, “My God, my God why have you forsaken Me?” then it was the Son of Man rose from death. Then He broke through the chains of death and became Saviour. That is the patient way, slowly leading me from easy triumph to the hard victory.

    I am less likely to deny my suffering when I learn how God uses it to mould me and draw me closer to Him. I will be less likely to see my pains as interruptions to my plans and more able to see them as the means for God to make me ready to receive Him. I let Christ live near my hurts and distractions.

    I remember an old priest who one day said to me, “I have always been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted; then I realised that the interruptions were my work.” The unpleasant things, the hard moments, the unexpected setbacks carry more potential than we usually realise. For the movement from Palm Sunday to Easter takes us from the easy victory built on small dreams and illusions to the hard victory offered by God who wants to purify us by His patient, caring hand.

    As I learned from my friends at Daybreak, at the center of our Christian faith we perceive a God who took on Himself the burden of the entire world. Suffering invites us to place our hurts in larger hands. In Christ we see God suffering—for us. And calling us to share in God’s suffering love for a hurting world. The small and even overpowering pains of our lives are intimately connected with the greater pains of Christ. Our daily sorrows are anchored in a greater sorrow and therefore a larger hope. Absolutely nothing in our lives lies outside the realm of God’s judgement and mercy.

[mrcolby]

A heavy breath

Man.... I guess it’s a good thing so much has changed in the time that’s passed, but where do I begin? Who do I begin with? Who is this for? Maybe myself, as a marker to remember where I was in life at this moment and where I had just immediately come from?

In the time since highschool, I’ve:

- been knocked around at university but made it to the other side with minor scratches

- seen some of the most beautiful parts of the world

- Met even more beautiful people and was lucky enough to keep some of them in my life

- departed from other people I’ll always cherish (even if for the better)

- moved more times than I’d like to

- Went blonde for a few months (the long term psychological impacts -shame- are still felt today)

- Wrapped up a 4 year career at the local bookstore (but in the meantime could easily open my own with how much I accumulated in that timespan)

- found a new job with my new degree that’s almost too good to be true - you’re looking at Director / Editor of Scissortail Productions and Spark Creates 😎

- Overcame what I’ll probably come to know as some of the hardest years of my life

- got a tattoo to commemorate all of the above

Definitely some twists and turns along the way, without ever being entirely sure if I’d stick the landing. And yet, I sit in my bed with my dog at my feet, asleep, reflecting and feeling overwhelmingly grateful for what’s led to this point. But what is reflection without scrutiny?

Some things that concern me going forward:

- I feel at the slightest sign of self-negligence I could fall into old habits developed over the last 5 years that could sabotage the person I’m trying to make myself

- I don’t prioritize people. I wish I did. It’s a reoccurring problem that is resolved temporarily but always comes back and leaves a scar - this is a big one and one that could really shape the landscape going forward. I hope that my next marker will provide better news here

- I hope that the future holds a place for a version of me that is capable of facing intimate truths without shame or guilt. This takes time, and that’s ok, but something has to change externally

I missed this community, even though most of the people here have moved on to other things. As an outlet, though, this has always been a space I felt comfortable occupying and sharing - even if no one in particular is listening. I like peeping in occasionally, glimpsing at the time-capsule-like thoughts and feelings I left here in years past. Just when I think I’m stunted or incapable of growth, markers like these are always welcome reminders of progress; a gentle affirmation to step confidently in whatever direction is next. I hope you all are well - I missed you.

[yourtransgendersocialworker]

12.31.2019, On an Inside Scoop of a Mental Health Crisis

I’ve been thinking, lately, about how a person who is in the middle of a mental health crisis may have a very different perspective than those watching. I wonder what it may look like when those who experience a crisis together debrief the sequence of events. I tried to piece together my memories of my last mental health deterioration and verbalize how I felt and what I remember.  I experienced the entire thing. 

Before the night, I had been bad off for a couple weeks. I had a few triggering events which led me down a shame spiral. Over the course of about two weeks, I started to lose touch with reality. I felt very confused and embarrassed. I was struggling to pay attention and I couldn’t remember anything. Bad thoughts ran rampant. The voice inside my head was loud, non-stop and confident with suicidal ideation. 

It started when I posted a Facebook status. It was cryptic and vague, something like, “I don’t belong here anymore.” I don’t remember much about that night anymore, but I can imagine what it might have looked like. I posted that status and then I paced around the house in a panicky daze. Pacing around the house in a dissociate state was becoming a nightly routine*. My mind was on fire, so loud and certain with bad thoughts. I was in so much pain. 

People reached out on Facebook, asking if I was okay, but I didn’t respond. It was comforting to see the love and support but it was too overwhelming to engage with it all. Ryan called me and I didn’t answer his call. Theo’s mom texted me after I was asleep asking if I was awake. I didn’t see that until the morning so I did not answer. When I woke up, my friend texted me asking if I was okay, saying they didn’t want to have to come over if I didn’t answer. I texted back saying I was okay and they got mad that I posted that status online. 

Later I wrote a blog journal about how bad I was feeling and I reflected on my poor decision to post that Facebook status. I wrote about how it felt to be told to not post shit like that, about how it hurt and about how I shouldn’t worry people. I quoted what the friend had told me but I didn’t say her name. I wrote that I agreed and I talked about the right and wrong ways to ask for help and how scary it is to ask for help. 

Meanwhile, I am still in the middle of a mental health crisis. 

I go to the therapist’s office on a Friday. I tell him how bad I am feeling and I tell him how I would want to die. He tells me I can’t leave his office until I make safety plans with him. I texted my friend asking if I could stay the night at their house, or if they or their boyfriend would come stay the night with me because I was in my therapists office and he wouldn’t let me leave. My friend stopped texting back when I asked that. I made plans with Ryan to meet halfway between us, in Lexington, Kentucky. We both drove around 5 hours and stayed in a hotel for the weekend. We played Bible golf. I told him my thoughts about mental illness as a terminal illness and he spent the weekend trying to convince me to stay alive. I was so sure of myself and referred to myself in the past tense. Ryan said he felt like he was already grieving my death. I was happy we could do that together. 

I saw that my friend deleted me from Facebook. My other friend texted me the next day saying they were glad I was able to make a different plan. My family here was suddenly gone. I just continued to spiral. I left Lexington still determined to kill myself. I made it about a week.  I went to work but I couldn’t work and people were taking me on walks and I talked openly to my coworkers about my suicidal thoughts. Words would pour out of my mouth before I processed them, startling the both of us. The coworkers started talking to each other. Gwen and I hid in my office for a couple hours while she gently warmed me to the idea of seeking help. I was determined to kill myself. I couldn’t think straight but I knew things were bad. I eventually agreed to go. We went to my house and prepared a bag and prepared me for what was next. Gwen took me to the crisis center and we joked about the decorations on the wall and she came back for the assessment and reminded me to tell them my theory on terminal mental illness. 

I got sent to the same hospital I went to the first time. Staff remembered me and I remembered them. I spent 32 days in the hospital watching people come and go, 32 very lonely days without many visitors. I recognized the hospital kinships as structured and contained. I tried my hardest to understand what exactly had happened up until this point. I couldn’t wrap my head around losing my friend family and I began to question everything. Was I toxic, causing more pain than pleasure in my relationships? Was I worthless, worth leaving when I needed help the most? The only relief from self-interrogation was the anxious peace of my impending death. I realized I was living my last days and that was comforting. I did 16 rounds of shock treatment and didn’t feel any different. 

I came back home and tried to piece my life together. Nothing had changed. I couldn't trust myself or anyone else. I still had no idea what was real and what wasn't real. I still didn’t understand what warranted the abrupt abandonment of my support network. I read a lot of books and prepared myself for death. I stopped telling people my plans. I did research. I cried hysterically to the Nurse Practitioner and she hugged me and referred me to an outpatient program.

I started intensive outpatient treatment and I told them about my terminal mental illness and they cried and increased my time to partial hospitalization. I made a couple friends and got along well with the staff. I made connections and I made granola and I made a mask. It felt good but I knew it wasn’t the real world. I talked a lot about suicide and the therapist tried to respect my thoughts while also trying to convince me to stay alive. I thanked the therapist for trying so hard and I told them how I was going to kill myself. People reminded me that a couple weeks ago I said I was doing okay but I couldn’t remember that. 

I started back at work. I didn’t arrange any more therapy. I have done enough and I know another person isn’t going to change my life. I am here now. I am tired. I sleep most of the day. I don’t move very much at all. I worry that my friends feel obligated to reach out to me. I want to be a kind friend but I don’t want to spread my dark energy. I am more calm than usual. I'm moving a lot less so there is less about my reality to question. I still feel the same. I'm not talking about it as much because there is no point.

————

Since writing that last paragraph, I was in a bad car accident. The morning after, I called the numbers I had memorized, my mom, Ryan and Theo, to ask for help getting a ride home from the Emergency Room. I was covered in blood and positioned casually in the waiting room for someone to come claim me. My supervisor picked me up and I vomited in her car and dribbled blood onto the passenger door. Friends showed me they cared for me. Kiley drove from Illinois and stayed with me over Christmas. Her presence in the midst of my hardest time reaffirmed my ability to connect and share loving-kindness. The news of a suicide brought reflection and pain. The lens shifted. 

2019 was incredibly hard. It’s right up there with 2009 as the hardest times so far. I’ve learned a lot about family- the word, the concept, the reality. I’ve learned about true friendship and true love. I’ve learned I’m not always to blame. I’ve learned that despite all of the dark, I am still filled with love. I’ve learned that growth isn’t a synonym for progress. You can grow into an ugly thing. I know one thing to be true- I have not turned ugly.

This decade tried its hardest to destroy me and towards the end, I eagerly chipped in. I’m not one to hold weight to the date changing, but it feels like the right time for me to try again. 

_____

*Try to explain the spiral of depression and dissociation. 

It usually starts with feeling ashamed or embarrassed about something.

You come home from work and you start to panic. You think to yourself, “Be gentle with yourself. If you’re tired, just sit on the couch.” You sit on the couch and feel like a waste for not being productive. Your mind is on fire and you can’t think about anything. You are overwhelmed with static noise. Your legs shake and you scroll through your phone so much that it tells you there is nothing left to look at. You start to think about dying. You get up but you don’t know what to do so you smoke a cigarette and look at your unfinished projects. You wash your hands and stumble back to the couch, the cigarette being just enough of a distraction to trick you into thinking you actually did something. You zone out. You watch the house dirty around you, let things pile up. You start to move through space differently. The air feels thick and your body moves in slow-motion. You start to feel like you are looking at a “Magic Eye.” Your eyes are out of focus all the time and they blur and shift throughout the day. You cry often and uncontrollably. It does not feel like a release, but like you are made of clay and you are cracking. You realize you’re not paying attention to anything anymore. You think about killing yourself every free second you have. You think about the act of killing yourself, you think about your funeral, you think about your dog, you think about your family and your friends. You think about everything you’ve done in the world. You think about everyone you love. You think about the idea of a good future. You know what you’ve got to do. You think things through and come to the same conclusion after each hypothesis you try out. You can’t hear your friends speaking to you anymore because you are thinking through everything. People are talking to you but you are wild inside and trying to hide it as best as you can but you can't hide your suicidal ideations when you are telling everyone goodbye. You surprise yourself with the things you let pour out of your lips. You aren’t answering messages anymore. That's too much. You feel a sense of peace and determination. You know you need to be brave and you are worried about that. And that is where it whisks off.

[mybodyliberation]

AD | Gifted Lush Spa Review

Now guys, grab a cup of tea and a fuzzy blanket and settle in because I'm about to tell you a full tale!

You will remember a while ago when Lush very controversially decided to stop engaging in their social media platforms in the conventional way that a lot of brands do now. They wanted a clear transition from relying on social media to interact with their customers into something more personable. Though I understand why some customers thought this didn't make sense as so much is done digitally now, I love that they were seeking to strip things back to basics and not rely on way of promoting and interacting with customers. 

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to visit the Lush Spa, which is the only one of its kind up here in Scotland, and as well as look at the new products within the store itself, I was able to experience one of their multitude of spa treatments. 

On asking for the recommendation because I simply couldn't pick from all of the interesting options, it was suggested I try "The Sound Bath", which is advertised as a treatment to retune the mind and body with ear candling and facial massage. 

Now sometimes I love to be surprised and so I made sure I didn't look it up before then. I wanted to come in with no expectations or previous knowledge and just experience the process. 

The second I stepped into the store I felt welcomed by not only the staff but all the aromas in the air. I mean come on we've all been in Lush and basically wanted to pick up a bath bomb and start chomping on it, but seriously with all the Christmas smells in the air I was seconds away from eating at least three Santa shaped items. 

One of the most interesting products I spotted was their R&B hair moisturizer, a thick leave in designed specifically for curly and textured hair to restore the hairs natural state, especially with this change of weather which has mine drying out constantly. It's not many UK based cosmetics companies that would try and design products with textured hair in mind and so I was already intrigued. 

I was soon greeted by the lovely Rachel who was going to be facilitating my treatment. She gave me such a warm welcome and took me straight downstairs to the spa space. Unfortunately as far as I know there is no accessibility for those who need access in order to get down into the spa, which I think is a shame, but I recognize comes  from the kind of building the store is located in. Perhaps they can begin thinking about how to rectify this so that in the future all customers are able to access the spa. 

The spa is purposefully set up like a little country kitchen. Think of recycled wood tables and chairs, mason jars full of products, treats and teas. Everything about the space feels deliberate and everything serves a purpose in creating an environment and space that feels almost as if you have escaped into a children's storybook. 

On being taken down into the space Rachel encouraged me to take a seat while she hung up my coat and before we began going through the normal formalities of filling in forms but also she could further explain the treatment.

Now I don't know about ya'll but a facial I have had, but an ear candling? Excuse me, what? Yet I was feeling adventurous and ready to try it once Rachel explained that we would be using something that essentially looked like a thick straw, made out of materials like cotton that would be placed in my ear and set alight in order to encourage my ears natural vibrations which in turn is an opportunity to open up the ears.

She explained that alongside the treatment there would also be an entire soundscape, in which the treatment was choreographed to. Music for the Lush Spa treatments are created by the Fresh Hand Made Collective and ranges from instrumental, to sounds you would hear in the country side, to full coral singing. 

It was going to be an activation of all of my senses, sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Full sensory immersion in order to create a feeling of relaxation, perspective and openness to what my body might be telling me.

You see the treatments aren't just about making your body feel good, but are about encouraging you to check in on yourself and honour what your mind, body, soul and spirit are trying to address within you.

The last few weeks this has very much been my personal journey and so it feels like this treatment came at the exact right time because it was a whole 60 minutes of allowing that process to be facilitated in a way that wasn't necessarily a traditional option for me

Before the treatment started I was told I had a gift, and as I looked up, Rachel had a wooden box that had the most aromatic smells coming from it. When I got over my utter amazement, I opened up to find a bottle saying drink me, filled with cooling apple flavoured water and a small piece of chocolate saying eat me, made from raw cocoa and coconut. In that moment I felt my body being reminded of the sweetness of life and the gift that was this opportunity to align with myself.

After quickly nipping to the fully kitted out toilet and shower room, fawning over the products there for customers to try, I got ready to experience the treatment.

Rachel encouraged me strip down to whatever level of nakedness felt comfortable for me, and ya'll please I long ago stripped any reservations and as soon nude, under the fuzzy blanket, inhaling the feminine and masculine energy filled incense she had just released into the room and ringing the bell for her to come back in! 

Before I got undressed Rachel did explain to me some of the tools she would be using during the process including two types of tuning forks which on massaging the particular area of my face or chest, she would then use the forks to vibrate against me in order for the frequencies to encourage natural alignment of my internal energies. 

As soon as I heard the sound of birds and dripping water, and Rachel telling me to let my thoughts slip away, I instantly relaxed felt my body begin to drop some of the usual tensions I carry in my shoulders, hips and legs. 

The smell of the oils Rachel was using floated me away and I honestly what felt like the best kind of space and time travel took me through the whole process from facial, to hot and cold stone massaging of the temples and jaws and ears, to the actual ear candling which was an interesting and unique experience for each ear. 

There is so much about frequency and sound that is perfect for any of us, which is all of us, on a healing journey in life, and this treatment is such a wonderful opportunity to gift yourself a moment to see what the physical manifestation of this is. I have no doubt that each persons emotional state would be different, but I experienced true joy, knowing that in the past it probably would have been closer to sobs at the release of tension and the acknowledgement of what frequency my body was vibrating on, and knowing that both reactions are valid is a testament to the growth you can have in a 60 minute treatment.

It is not just a treatment but is an experience and I honestly feel this would be such a wonderful gift for anyone in your life that might be going through a super transitional period of time. 

Now The Sound Bath retails at £80  but there are treatments for as low as £40 and some as high as £300, so depending on the treatment you are looking for and how small or big your budget is you have some options, but know its about investing an experience as well as a treatment.

If you are looking for a basic massage, I would suggest going to a more traditional spa, but Lush are offering an elevated experience that challenges your senses and the aspects of your body as well as your mind. 

Honestly I can't wait to go back and I already know what I want for Christmas!

  

[loverawakeatnight]

Define Feminism...

When you see women today, they are greatly different than they were years ago, through the years they have created their own styles of dressing, ways of living, and ways of thinking–some rooted from traditionalism and some based from modern culture. Both of these kinds of women have an affect on the people around them and the culture that they are apart of. The women who have rejected traditional restrictions, oppressive views, lower ways of living, being on the lower hand, and being told who to be, are feminists. These are everyday women, who support a new wave in the making for over 100 years.  Feminism, is misunderstood and is beginning to be represented in our everyday culture more than ever before. It is based on empowerment, appreciation of originality, being in your own skin, and freedom.

We are seeing feminism shown in our classes, social media, movies, the news, politics, and countries around the world. Everyone has some sort of opinion on it and it is hard to know what feminism is and what it pertains to. When you bring up the word feminist, or feminism, a lot of people are either for it, or against it, without even knowing what it means. This is why so many are against it, not because they don’t support equality, but, because they think feminism is the opposite of equality. They don’t understand that feminism is much more than what people talk about.

One who misinterprets feminism will say, “Why does it have to be all about women? What about men too? How is that equal when you are making it all about women?” Well, it isn’t all about women. Years ago, when women went to work in the factories, it wasn’t to say the men were incapable, but to be equals and to help the needs for production. They didn’t do it for just them. There was a larger intent behind the actions. When a woman says she can pay for herself, it isn’t to demean the man and say he can’t pay, it is to show that she can, because she can. Feminism is about balance and equality. The intent is not focused on being superior or putting anyone down. Many misunderstand this. Feminism is not inequality. Why can’t we put one up in society without seeing another as down? That is not what this movement is. Feminism is the single mother who works three jobs and refuses to give up being a strong woman. Feminism is the woman who lets herself cry in front of others with no shame, she is free to feel, and free to show what she is feeling. Feminism is the woman who demands more pay, and who says “you can’t put me down”, she knows what she is worth.  Feminism is the woman who sets the standard for equal rights, having a considerate nature, and being within your own skin. Feminism is the woman who says no one is superior or inferior, we’re just coexisting.

Through the years feminism has been subjected to change, redefinition, ridicule, rejection, and praise. This has shaped it into something that is diverse, ever-changing and a bit confusing.

Many women thinking that this changing feminism means, “we hate men” and “lets be victims so we can control the situation.” This type of woman does believe she is a victim, and feels the need to use the sympathy that equality brings as means of getting what she wants in society. These women do not encourage equality but in fact discourage and demean the act of feminism itself.

We have treated feminism, like clay, since the beginning of women, and kept adding onto it. New standards need to be implemented as the world changes and grows, feminism requires a certain mindfulness. It has become something that is more natural and admired, something more generally accepted. As the definition changes, the opinion changes. It has evolved over the years, through every woman and her unique sense of self.  Feminism has become a stitched-together collage of struggle, strength, and diversity, constantly thought provoking, making us question our treatment of ourselves and others. By being dissatisfied with the outside world around us, we have been able to look inside. A feminist will treat you the way they want to be treated. This is where feminism is unique, they end up looking at both sides without necessarily meaning to. We find ourselves in an unfamiliar middle ground where it can go either ways, society is starting to hate and dislike it. Though it is a misunderstood topic, it is relevant and essential to an equal society.

Though parts of society disagree with feminism, I can say without a doubt in my mind that feminism is helping to empower the women of today, they are speaking for themselves and being themselves. Women do as they please these days, which causes a lot of people to say anything from a range of, “how terrible” to “wow, I love that!”. They will say, “how degrading!” or “she is so free looking!”. There are two extreme ends of the spectrum.

Nowadays, a woman can wear what she wants, say what she wants, date as she wants, not date, shave her head, grow her hair out, marry, divorce, and pursue whatever careers she pleases. These things are not bad, they are beneficial. We can’t prosper in society without growth through diversity, change, rejection of traditional detrimental customs, and an open mind. This applies to women and men alike. That is why feminism is so important, it isn’t just practicing empowerment, it is practicing a more mindful, constructive and insightful way of life. But traditionalism has been around for years? How can we move away from it? How can we move away from the usual way of being, and seeing women? Well, we have to. We just have to put a great deal of effort towards it. We have to fight what is wrong. We wouldn’t be having to fight for anything had these values not been instilled in the first place.

We can start by acknowledging that there is an imbalance issue, and then go from there. The first step is to know that maybe the same way of living and lacking important traits won’t work for  all of the years in the changing world. I have been taught to lead by example and the world seems to lack these crucial traits that feminism holds, so it is natural for I and many women, to try and initiate a general collective effort, to nurture and teach the situation into something we can all grow from. When someone is completely comfortable, open, and there without judgement, it makes it easier for you to act and feel that way around them. So isn’t it safe to say that feminist can help teach the world to think a bit more openly and considerately? We can conclude that through feminism, we can reach a place of teaching and growing.

When you talk about feminism, clothing is brought up often. The topic of female clothing can even be described by the general public as “scandalous” at times, because apparently what a woman wears, is just that offensive and impressionable. This leads me back to traditionalism, traditional values are what the world has been grown from, it is natural for people to not be with the changing ways. Many people who disagree with a woman dressing how she wants, are the ones who also think that choice of clothing speaks for you. They believe in a certain social agenda regarding proper ladies that don’t say much. If it is not the classic dress, it is “revealing, masculine, or too simple”. A woman can’t just wear what she wants just to wear it. She has to have some hidden intent, leading to a great deal of issues in the world where people think clothing means everything. “Her clothes were really skimpy so she must have been a huge slut, she was asking for it.” As if the women can’t tell you she is interested herself. “She is dressed so boringly, she has nothing to say.” Wrong. She has everything to say, she is just comfortable. “She is dressed like a boy, so she is probably a lesbian.” She wears her brother’s hand-me-downs and she has a crush on a lot of guys, she can tell you if she is lesbian, which isn’t your business anyways. My little sister shaved her head, and my grandmother commented about her, “not being pretty anymore.” I didn’t know you had to have hair to be pretty. You do not need hair on your hair or a certain look to be pretty, pretty is a feeling. Maybe, my little sister wasn’t even trying to look pretty; she just wanted to do it for the sake of it. Her hair wasn’t speaking and saying, “ tell me I am pretty”, it is just saying, “ Hi, I am me.” Why do we feel the need to think that a woman can’t outright tell us what she is thinking? We have been taught to guess. All these things I have personally heard in my life when my outfit or another woman’s wasn’t what they had been taught about growing up, or when I was dressed cute and would be told, “boys will look at you”. They should be taught to not stare at others then. We should teach that a woman can speak on her own, and to lessen the judgement.

When a female steps into her day her appearance is judged instantly. People will say that her bold makeup and tight clothes insinuate that she wants to be hollered at, that her clothing choice means she is unintelligent, or that she is being degraded. These are personal choices that she makes and can voice if she likes. People can say, she is degraded or she is empowered, I say, they can’t feel for her. Being degraded or empowered is a feeling. No one can dictate which of those a female feels during her day. Traditionalism has said that women don’t need to speak, which has led people to thinking that they can’t! Feminism reminds females of their voice in the world, and of the choice that they deserve to have.

During class we have been talking about Wonder Women, a classic debate between feminists for years. At first, I judged her character from a traditional standpoint, I thought to myself, “they sexualize her” , until I had read up on the matter. Even myself, a proud feminist, was thrown off. Her costume wasn’t originated for fashion, but for power. She wasn’t made to be sex, but a goddess-like warrior, she is empowered enough to wear what she wants, in this case, it is not much, but that is just the idea, it doesn’t matter what it is because it is her who decides. Wonder Woman was made during the time of pinup girls, some of the original feminists in my eyes. Pinup wasn’t aimed for sex, it was aimed for style and flair. Wonder Woman comes from a place of inspiration and leadership-driven intent. She is a display of feminism. She is heroic, independent, confident, and has been relevant through the years. The challenge and length of time if took to put her onto the big screen reflects the rejection and doubt that feminism has gone through, Wonder Woman has grown and struggled right along side feminism. Wonder Woman is in fact, an  accurate symbol for feminists to look at and better understand why today is the way it is.

      Because the oppression of females has gone on for so long, this has lead to an over compensation within feminism. Many females feel the need to prove that they are not inferior, myself included. I work a hard job, and refuse help because I am there receiving the same pay, so I will do the same work.  We feel the need to say “ We can do what we want!” almost to remind not only the ones around us, but ourselves of this reality as well. This constant proof of freedom can later form an extremist feminist, who hates men, and feels superior. This feminist adds onto the daily confusion of “man hater” or “equality supporter”. When we define feminism, we do not include these hateful stereotypes. We have to ignore the stereotypes and know that generalizations will hold us back from the true idea. This kind of feminism slows the progress and benefit that true feminism brings. Women did not fight to be able to vote, just so they could angrily demand that their female candidates be voted for. Women did not fight to be seen as more than small and frail, all to try to start physical fights with males. Women did not bring up being equal just to have some go and say they are number one, becoming exactly who they were against. Feminism is not meant to be used as some terrible tool. Just because Cindy with the blue hair at Starbucks hates men and says mean things, doesn’t mean all feminists do. That is why it is important that we define feminism in a positive manner and talk about it as a normal, casual topic. Feminism is not so rough-around-the-edges as we make it, but more of a personal feeling or stand-point. It needs to be discussed more, with less fear and more questions—less judgement, and more openness.

Some may ask, what is the difference between feminism, and egalitarianism? Feminism has to do with unique qualities being appreciated, therefore putting a woman into a different category, but not one that is superior, they are just not the same. Feminism begins with women, as I was saying earlier, she is setting the example. Like a lotus growing through murky water, feminism has been shaped through repression, and wouldn’t exist without the imbalance. Feminism acknowledges the imbalance, whereas egalitarianism has to do with everything being one side, everything being the same. Feminism is not saying that we are 100 percent the same, but that we can be different and equally special.

Feminism is a demonstration of something new and for the future. In 2019 and the years to come we can see a world that opens themselves to feminism and its equal mindset that follows. Through adamant and passionate people supporting this new wave movement, we will see change, we will see equality, we will see the standards being exceeded and respected. Feminism isn’t against the world, it is for it.

[infiniteandmindful]

Define Feminism...

When you see women today, they are greatly different than they were years ago, through the years they have created their own styles of dressing, ways of living, and ways of thinking--some rooted from traditionalism and some based from modern culture. Both of these kinds of women have an affect on the people around them and the culture that they are apart of. The women who have rejected traditional restrictions, oppressive views, lower ways of living, being on the lower hand, and being told who to be, are feminists. These are everyday women, who support a new wave in the making for over 100 years.  Feminism, is misunderstood and is beginning to be represented in our everyday culture more than ever before. It is based on empowerment, appreciation of originality, being in your own skin, and freedom.

We are seeing feminism shown in our classes, social media, movies, the news, politics, and countries around the world. Everyone has some sort of opinion on it and it is hard to know what feminism is and what it pertains to. When you bring up the word feminist, or feminism, a lot of people are either for it, or against it, without even knowing what it means. This is why so many are against it, not because they don’t support equality, but, because they think feminism is the opposite of equality. They don’t understand that feminism is much more than what people talk about.

One who misinterprets feminism will say, “Why does it have to be all about women? What about men too? How is that equal when you are making it all about women?” Well, it isn’t all about women. Years ago, when women went to work in the factories, it wasn’t to say the men were incapable, but to be equals and to help the needs for production. They didn’t do it for just them. There was a larger intent behind the actions. When a woman says she can pay for herself, it isn’t to demean the man and say he can’t pay, it is to show that she can, because she can. Feminism is about balance and equality. The intent is not focused on being superior or putting anyone down. Many misunderstand this. Feminism is not inequality. Why can’t we put one up in society without seeing another as down? That is not what this movement is. Feminism is the single mother who works three jobs and refuses to give up being a strong woman. Feminism is the woman who lets herself cry in front of others with no shame, she is free to feel, and free to show what she is feeling. Feminism is the woman who demands more pay, and who says “you can’t put me down”, she knows what she is worth.  Feminism is the woman who sets the standard for equal rights, having a considerate nature, and being within your own skin. Feminism is the woman who says no one is superior or inferior, we’re just coexisting.

Through the years feminism has been subjected to change, redefinition, ridicule, rejection, and praise. This has shaped it into something that is diverse, ever-changing and a bit confusing.

Many women thinking that this changing feminism means, “we hate men” and “lets be victims so we can control the situation.” This type of woman does believe she is a victim, and feels the need to use the sympathy that equality brings as means of getting what she wants in society. These women do not encourage equality but in fact discourage and demean the act of feminism itself.

We have treated feminism, like clay, since the beginning of women, and kept adding onto it. New standards need to be implemented as the world changes and grows, feminism requires a certain mindfulness. It has become something that is more natural and admired, something more generally accepted. As the definition changes, the opinion changes. It has evolved over the years, through every woman and her unique sense of self.  Feminism has become a stitched-together collage of struggle, strength, and diversity, constantly thought provoking, making us question our treatment of ourselves and others. By being dissatisfied with the outside world around us, we have been able to look inside. A feminist will treat you the way they want to be treated. This is where feminism is unique, they end up looking at both sides without necessarily meaning to. We find ourselves in an unfamiliar middle ground where it can go either ways, society is starting to hate and dislike it. Though it is a misunderstood topic, it is relevant and essential to an equal society.

Though parts of society disagree with feminism, I can say without a doubt in my mind that feminism is helping to empower the women of today, they are speaking for themselves and being themselves. Women do as they please these days, which causes a lot of people to say anything from a range of, “how terrible” to “wow, I love that!”. They will say, “how degrading!” or “she is so free looking!”. There are two extreme ends of the spectrum.

Nowadays, a woman can wear what she wants, say what she wants, date as she wants, not date, shave her head, grow her hair out, marry, divorce, and pursue whatever careers she pleases. These things are not bad, they are beneficial. We can’t prosper in society without growth through diversity, change, rejection of traditional detrimental customs, and an open mind. This applies to women and men alike. That is why feminism is so important, it isn’t just practicing empowerment, it is practicing a more mindful, constructive and insightful way of life. But traditionalism has been around for years? How can we move away from it? How can we move away from the usual way of being, and seeing women? Well, we have to. We just have to put a great deal of effort towards it. We have to fight what is wrong. We wouldn’t be having to fight for anything had these values not been instilled in the first place.

We can start by acknowledging that there is an imbalance issue, and then go from there. The first step is to know that maybe the same way of living and lacking important traits won’t work for  all of the years in the changing world. I have been taught to lead by example and the world seems to lack these crucial traits that feminism holds, so it is natural for I and many women, to try and initiate a general collective effort, to nurture and teach the situation into something we can all grow from. When someone is completely comfortable, open, and there without judgement, it makes it easier for you to act and feel that way around them. So isn’t it safe to say that feminist can help teach the world to think a bit more openly and considerately? We can conclude that through feminism, we can reach a place of teaching and growing.

When you talk about feminism, clothing is brought up often. The topic of female clothing can even be described by the general public as “scandalous” at times, because apparently what a woman wears, is just that offensive and impressionable. This leads me back to traditionalism, traditional values are what the world has been grown from, it is natural for people to not be with the changing ways. Many people who disagree with a woman dressing how she wants, are the ones who also think that choice of clothing speaks for you. They believe in a certain social agenda regarding proper ladies that don’t say much. If it is not the classic dress, it is “revealing, masculine, or too simple”. A woman can’t just wear what she wants just to wear it. She has to have some hidden intent, leading to a great deal of issues in the world where people think clothing means everything. “Her clothes were really skimpy so she must have been a huge slut, she was asking for it.” As if the women can’t tell you she is interested herself. “She is dressed so boringly, she has nothing to say.” Wrong. She has everything to say, she is just comfortable. “She is dressed like a boy, so she is probably a lesbian.” She wears her brother’s hand-me-downs and she has a crush on a lot of guys, she can tell you if she is lesbian, which isn’t your business anyways. My little sister shaved her head, and my grandmother commented about her, “not being pretty anymore.” I didn’t know you had to have hair to be pretty. You do not need hair on your hair or a certain look to be pretty, pretty is a feeling. Maybe, my little sister wasn’t even trying to look pretty; she just wanted to do it for the sake of it. Her hair wasn’t speaking and saying, “ tell me I am pretty”, it is just saying, “ Hi, I am me.” Why do we feel the need to think that a woman can’t outright tell us what she is thinking? We have been taught to guess. All these things I have personally heard in my life when my outfit or another woman’s wasn’t what they had been taught about growing up, or when I was dressed cute and would be told, “boys will look at you”. They should be taught to not stare at others then. We should teach that a woman can speak on her own, and to lessen the judgement.

When a female steps into her day her appearance is judged instantly. People will say that her bold makeup and tight clothes insinuate that she wants to be hollered at, that her clothing choice means she is unintelligent, or that she is being degraded. These are personal choices that she makes and can voice if she likes. People can say, she is degraded or she is empowered, I say, they can’t feel for her. Being degraded or empowered is a feeling. No one can dictate which of those a female feels during her day. Traditionalism has said that women don’t need to speak, which has led people to thinking that they can’t! Feminism reminds females of their voice in the world, and of the choice that they deserve to have.

During class we have been talking about Wonder Women, a classic debate between feminists for years. At first, I judged her character from a traditional standpoint, I thought to myself, “they sexualize her” , until I had read up on the matter. Even myself, a proud feminist, was thrown off. Her costume wasn’t originated for fashion, but for power. She wasn’t made to be sex, but a goddess-like warrior, she is empowered enough to wear what she wants, in this case, it is not much, but that is just the idea, it doesn’t matter what it is because it is her who decides. Wonder Woman was made during the time of pinup girls, some of the original feminists in my eyes. Pinup wasn’t aimed for sex, it was aimed for style and flair. Wonder Woman comes from a place of inspiration and leadership-driven intent. She is a display of feminism. She is heroic, independent, confident, and has been relevant through the years. The challenge and length of time if took to put her onto the big screen reflects the rejection and doubt that feminism has gone through, Wonder Woman has grown and struggled right along side feminism. Wonder Woman is in fact, an  accurate symbol for feminists to look at and better understand why today is the way it is.

        Because the oppression of females has gone on for so long, this has lead to an over compensation within feminism. Many females feel the need to prove that they are not inferior, myself included. I work a hard job, and refuse help because I am there receiving the same pay, so I will do the same work.  We feel the need to say “ We can do what we want!” almost to remind not only the ones around us, but ourselves of this reality as well. This constant proof of freedom can later form an extremist feminist, who hates men, and feels superior. This feminist adds onto the daily confusion of “man hater” or “equality supporter”. When we define feminism, we do not include these hateful stereotypes. We have to ignore the stereotypes and know that generalizations will hold us back from the true idea. This kind of feminism slows the progress and benefit that true feminism brings. Women did not fight to be able to vote, just so they could angrily demand that their female candidates be voted for. Women did not fight to be seen as more than small and frail, all to try to start physical fights with males. Women did not bring up being equal just to have some go and say they are number one, becoming exactly who they were against. Feminism is not meant to be used as some terrible tool. Just because Cindy with the blue hair at Starbucks hates men and says mean things, doesn’t mean all feminists do. That is why it is important that we define feminism in a positive manner and talk about it as a normal, casual topic. Feminism is not so rough-around-the-edges as we make it, but more of a personal feeling or stand-point. It needs to be discussed more, with less fear and more questions—less judgement, and more openness.

Some may ask, what is the difference between feminism, and egalitarianism? Feminism has to do with unique qualities being appreciated, therefore putting a woman into a different category, but not one that is superior, they are just not the same. Feminism begins with women, as I was saying earlier, she is setting the example. Like a lotus growing through murky water, feminism has been shaped through repression, and wouldn’t exist without the imbalance. Feminism acknowledges the imbalance, whereas egalitarianism has to do with everything being one side, everything being the same. Feminism is not saying that we are 100 percent the same, but that we can be different and equally special.

Feminism is a demonstration of something new and for the future. In 2019 and the years to come we can see a world that opens themselves to feminism and its equal mindset that follows. Through adamant and passionate people supporting this new wave movement, we will see change, we will see equality, we will see the standards being exceeded and respected. Feminism isn’t against the world, it is for it.

[travelingtarot]

TAROT THE WEEK!!!

Weekly Psychic Forecasts Every Monday Morning To Help Guide You Through Your Week!

Week Of May 21st – May 27th 2018

Card: The Empress

Quick Analysis: Ah, The Empress. Pregnant with possibilities. All around her everything grows. She has dominion and rulership over all she touches. She’s in tune with the Earth and all her energies. She knows how to work with natural cycles in order to bring forth a bounty of blessings. And her endeavors are blessed by the heavens above. Since the Earth is in tune with the heavens above, by being in tune with the Earth, she too becomes in tune with the Heavens. So all work together for the greatest good not only for The Empress, but for the evolution of the planet as a whole.

When this card comes up in a reading, I always encourage the person sitting across from me to have faith. Trust that everything he or she is doing is the right thing. They may not have seen results heretofore, but very soon the results will be abundantly clear.

Because The Empress is all about growth energy. She’s full with child. Ready to give birth to another great idea, another great product, another great philosophy, another great thingamajig. And all around her is growth. The fields are growing. The trees are crowned with greenery, the flowers are in full bloom. Water is flowing all around her. She knows she can touch anything and bring it to life and she revels in her creatrix abilities.

So because The Empress is coming up in our reading today, I encourage us all to tap into that spirit of creation that is within us and go out and create something. Something that means something to us. Something we’re passionate about. Something that makes us happy and is useful to others. Let’s get out there and create! The Universe blesses our endeavors.

In-Depth Analysis: This week I was fat shamed three times by three random different people. All in the space of 24 hours. And one of those random people was my Dad!

The first two were in the same wheelhouse so I’m lumping them together. Without mincing words here, I was trying to hook up with two different guys this week. I needed to get laid. So I was casting my net out far and wide in hopes of getting that itch scratched. Both were online hook-ups (does anyone hook up in person anymore?) and both were almost closed deals.

We were exchanging messages, one via WhatsApp (does anybody use that app? If so, what’s your experience been like? Sound off in the comments below) and the other via the messaging system on whatever dating app I was on. It was all going well until we exchanged photos. At first we exchanged face pics. No problem. Neither one of us looked like Quasimodo. So far so good. Then we exchanged body pics. One look at my body and one of the guys completely vanished. So now my chances of getting laid have been cut in half. The other guy says, “U R a very big boy”. I reply, “I am. It’s something I’m working on fixing. Not to find someone (transforming your body just to find someone is a silly idea) but because I really need to be the best possible version of me at all times. If this version of me isn’t a version of me you feel you can continue with, let me know. If this version of me is someone you’d like to continue with, let me know that as well. Regardless, this is me.” He responded, “I can accept that version of you, but not sexually.” The conversation ended by me saying, “Thank you for being honest with me.”

Now an argument can be made (and I’ll make it here briefly) that people are attracted to what and whom they’re attracted to. I was not their type. So the argument can be made that it wasn’t exactly fat shaming. It was more “I’m not attracted to you, so this isn’t going to happen.” Further to that point, one of the men was very honest with me. He didn’t ghost me like the other guy did (more on that in a moment). Instead he told me up front that he couldn’t have sex with me. Something I appreciated. As I said, the other one ghosted me, which I guess is par for the course when dealing with people online. People ghost each other all the time. Hell, I’m guilty of f ghosting people every now and again. So neither one of these prospects were going to pan out because neither was attracted to me. I completely get that. So maybe it wasn’t “fat shaming”.

But it still stings.

Finally, less than 12 hours later I was at my parents’ home. I had barely settled in my recliner in the den when my father says to me, “Putting on the weight, aren’t you?” I shot back, “The mirrors in my home work, Dad. I see my reflection every day so I don’t need you to remind me of how fat I am, so please stop.” You can’t twist that into anything else but fat shaming. It’s rude, uncalled for and isn’t helpful in the least. To put it plain, it’s fat shaming.

Recently I’ve become more aware that I need to love myself more. I was told by someone I trust (who also happens to be a working psychic/energy healer) that I need to work on self-love. I need to learn how to love myself unconditionally. It’s a life lesson for me, which means it’s a lesson that has followed me this entire lifetime and will continue to follow me in subsequent lives if I don’t learn the lesson this time around.

And it’s been a tough lesson to learn, quite frankly. Ever since I hit puberty I’ve been a big guy. I was not interested in sports in any way, shape or form. I wasn’t interested in going outside to play. I wasn’t interested in rough housing with the other neighborhood boys. All I wanted to do was listen to music (Amy Grant in particular) and read books. I’d rather have conversations with people than play with people. I’d rather sing in choir than throw the ball around. I’d rather act in a play than wrestle around with people. So exercise just wasn’t in the equation for me when I hit puberty. And so I gained weight. All through middle school, high school and college all I did was gain weight. I read books, listened to music (mostly Amy), sang in choirs and acted in plays. I was happy.

After college I decided to take my health more seriously, so I joined a gym. And for quite a few years afterwards I lost weight. Still a big guy, but definitely more toned than I had ever been in my entire life. Then slowly but surely I started missing days at the gym. It started out a missed day here or there. Then a missed couple days here and there. Then a week. Then a month would go by and I hadn’t made it to the gym. Finally, I stopped going altogether. And the weight came barreling back. Then I’d decide to get back I the swing of exercising and I’d rejoin a gym. And I’d do well for a good long time. Then I’d stop. And the weight jumped right back on my body. If you know anything about yo-yo dieting, you are a member of my tribe!

So now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in over 20 years. And it’s time to get back on the health horse. I try to convince myself this time will be different than the last few times. I’m going to stick to my health plan! I’m going to eat more fruits and vegetables! I’m going to stop eating so many sweets! I’m going to stop eating so much bread! (I fucking LOVE bread! I really do. I connected with Oprah Winfrey on a deep spiritual level when on a Weight Watchers commercial Auntie O proclaimed, “I LOVE BREAD!!!” YAAASSS! YAAASSS AUNTIE O! YAAASSS!!!!) This time will be the time it sticks forever! And I hope it does. I hope this time will be the last time I have to get on the “health horse”. I hope this time will be the last time I will be this overweight. I hope this time I love myself enough to be the best possible version of me I can possibly be.

And that’s the thing that makes the difference this time. Self-love is in the equation. Not as a byproduct of living healthfully, but as a core reason for exercising and eating right in the first place.

Which brings us to The Empress. The Empress is all about being fruitful and bringing things to life. It’s about growing and developing and being blessed in those endeavors by the heavens above. Whatever the Empress touches, multiplies by thousands. Whatever the Empress focuses on grows and expands and thrives. Whatever the Empress loves, succeeds. But in the words of Mother Ru, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen up in here?” “AMEN!” “All right, let the music play!”

The Empress is advising us this week to love ourselves. We simply must. If we want our outer lives to grow and thrive and flourish, we must first love our inner selves. We must love ourselves unconditionally. We must tend to our spirits. We must heal our inner selves. We must do all the work to make ourselves the best possible versions of us we can be, but first we must love ourselves.

Some of you may be asking “Where do I start? How do I begin?” Truth be told, when my good friend told me I must learn to love myself I asked the very same thing. “Where do I start? How do I begin.” And this is what he told me: “Hug yourself. Like literally, physically hug yourself. And when you do, you’ll know what else needs to be done.”

So the next day as part of my meditation process I hugged myself. I wrapped my arms around myself and hugged. And hugged. And hugged. Nothing happened initially. No inspiration, no words of wisdom, no “this is what you do next.” I was about to give up for the day when I was impressed to say, “I love me. I love me unconditionally.” And so I said it. “I love me,” I said. “I love me unconditionally.” And I kept saying it over and over like a mantra. “I love me. I love me unconditionally. I love me. I love me unconditionally.”

If self-love is something you struggle with, the next time you meditate I encourage you as part of your meditation process to hug yourself. It may seem silly. It may seem like “pop psychology”. But in the end, what have you got to lose? Hug yourself. You may feel weird at first when you do it, but do it anyway. Hug yourself. Hug yourself with no expectations. Just hug yourself. If inspiration, impression, words of wisdom come to mind, thank your guides for giving you those instructions and continue on with your meditation. Do it everyday for a month and see what changes occur.

Bottom Line: The Empress encourages us to allow ourselves to grow and prosper. But in order to be truly prosperous from the inside out, The Empress encourages us to love ourselves from the inside out. That love, that unconditional love we begin to feel for ourselves when we take time to consciously love ourselves on a daily basis can only extend outwards towards everything we touch. And when we infise love energy into everything we do it’s like pouring Miracle-Gro on our greenery and flowers (without the harsh chemicals). Everything bigger and brighter. And the return is amazing! It’s true. When we give love, we get more love in return. It’s a beautiful thing. So when we love ourselves, that love has no other choice but to permeate everything else in our orbit. Love builds on love. The more love we give to ourselves, the more love we have to share with others.

So I encourage us to take on that love energy The Empress is sharing with us this week. Take it in and let it mend us. Let it heal us. Let it give us love unconditionally. Let us be about love consciousness all day, every day. Let us put our self-consciousness and embarrassment to the side and hug ourselves and see what if anything happens. Let’s love ourselves unconditionally first so that we have that much more unconditional love to give to others. You can thank me later!

Have a FANTASTIC week, everybody!

Be Blessed.

Song Of The Week: Meghan Trainor Ft. LunchMoney Lewis – “I Love Me”

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For more information on the card used for this week’s reading click HERE