#tw for mental illness talk!

[tvrningout]

the way i teared up instantly and chiyo wailed from the backseat of my mind

[alixisherebutringagain]

Psychotic episode are fucking terrifying so sorry if I don't like when you use the word "delulu" and sorry if I don't want to talk to you because you think I'm crazy or dangerous and sorry if you think I'm exaggerating BUT FUCK YOU BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED.

I WAS SCARED.

I WAS LIKE A KID SCARED OF THE DARK.

HOW DARE YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY.

I WAS AFRAID TO GET KILLED, I WAS TERRIFIED OF GOING OUTSIDE I WAS CONVINCED OF HORRIBLE THINGS I COULDN'T SPEAK I COULDN'T MOVE I WAS TRAPPED IN MY BRAIN SO FUCK YOU.

Fuck anyone who thinks psychotic episodes are funny. Fuck anyone who judges someone for being on the schizo spec. Fuck anyone who laughs at this.

[vvvigeeek]

the urge to destroyed yourself even if you already at your lowest

[jinx58062]

when is it my turn to get taken cared of? im tired of always providing but never receiving…

[kota-corner]

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH??? (Speaking about the Autism and PMDD statistic specifically)

[sipping-ambrosia-wine]

love how eeaao climaxed with Evelyn's whole hearted acceptance and open support of Joy being gay. starting at that put upon tolerance at the beginning and then the "you!! youre the reason my daughter is gay!" when she first meets Jobu Tupaki. obviously her marriage and her business and her father's rejection of her are also crucial to the film but when Joy and Evelyn are fighting, "stop calling me evelyn, i am your mother!"- thats not an assertion of her authority- thats saying "whoever wherever whatever you are i will love you because i choose to be your mother. of a thousand possible realities for the both of us i'm choosing you". their relationship is deeply flawed at the beginning of the film. Joy spends half of her act one scenes near tears, in turn harped on for her life choices and dismissed entirely. to go from that to being unequivocally accepted and protected- of course she runs! what do you even do with that!!! and then not dragged back or left to drift away- but followed to the point of no return and asked to stay. not just Straight Joy. not just Successful Joy. not Joy-Who-Listens-To-Her-Mom, not even Mediocre, Just-Okay Joy. any of these Joys Evelyn couldve had, any of these changes were entirely within her reach. but its tattooed college drop-out lesbian Joy who is told she's the only version of herself that her mother needs to be proud of.

Evelyn's father disowned her for marrying a man who he disapproved of. she doesnt want to risk that relationship again, between her father and her daughter, for Joy yes as well as for herself. one of the first jumps Evelyn makes is one where she stayed at home, listened to her father, and the world is her goddamn oyster. "i saw my life without you. it was beautiful, i wish you could have seen it." but we also see a world where she is blinded as a child and her father supports her and her opera career for the rest of her life. she's worn down over the years, yes but her first biggest bad-turn trauma is Gong Gong telling her "i am not your father". and she stares down the possibility of that again and proceeds to step up to bat and step up as Joy's mom. how different is "it's protocol" to "it's tradition"? kill your daughter shes a monster kill your daughter its for the good of us all- evelyn doesnt kill joy but she still wants to change her. the movie doesnt end until she chooses that for all her flaws none of them matter. all that matters is joy.

[gooperts-gunk]

everyone has their q!bbh death headcanons but i can't stop thinking about the one where he dies offscreen.

imagine cc!bbh first tricks us as to trick everyone else by not streaming one day and saying "something came up, no stream today!" on twitter and everyone's like omg? it's a miracle! meanwhile, no one sees dapper and pomme that day.

the next day? they log on, but bad doesn't. in fact, no one knows why he isn't live, he didn't tweet anything or change the stream title or anything. but ok, extended break, sure, he's getting well needed sleep im sure. maybe in passing it's mentioned by the creators like "where IS bad" but it doesn't go beyond that, and dapper and pomme don't want to talk about it. ok? weird.

okay now it's THREE DAYS no badboyhalo and now ALL the eggs are acting weird and some of them spill the beans that pomme and/or dapper told them that their tio bad is MISSING. that they haven't seen him anywhere and that he's been having REALLY BAD lapses in memory, so bbh probably wandered off and has no idea where he is, and nor do we. NOW people are getting worried and it's all clicking for us as viewers. but for them, they don't know whether or not he's alive or dead. and besides, there's no way bad could DIE, right?? yeah. no way.

but uh oh! four days no badboyhalo! wouldn't it be so crazy if dapper and pomme ran/warped to find the nearest adult separately and made them get as many people as possible together? because now there's red-ish blue-ish green-ish blood trails outside of bad's house. but surely he's alive, right? :) it's crusted over, he'd have been bleeding for a while, but that wouldn't mean anything, right? :) hey guys, what's this weird bunker in the ground, when did this get here? oh it's a security craft hatch to get in? we can't open that! oh looks like dapper can! and pomme. and richas. okay can you spam that button while we go down? cool! oh wow it's warm in here. is the only light in here the lava along the edges of the floor? why is the blood leading up to that huge nest thing on a platform? is that a chunk of diamond sticking out? is that badboyhalo lying dead in his sick while holding onto a diamond statue?

but that'd never happen, badboyhalo would never die, he's... y'know! y'knowww. :) he's himself. and he's always here. and i don't always see him but, he wasn't DYING or anything, right? :) he's looked like that for months, he wasn't DYING... yeah. right. :)

[elysianymph]

🔥 anything about sirius because i am being a little hater towards some characterisations too

i've already talked your ears off about this on discord but i'm happy to talk to about it again bc i fucking HATE new sirius black with a burning passion. i hate him as much as i love my sirius black that marauderstok can pry from my cold dead hands bc i'm not letting him go. i don't know when it happened and why but marauders fans are particularly persistent on taking away any interesting traits sirius had and leaving behind a whimpering pathetic twink that cries when someone looks at him the wrong way. sirius has been scrubbed clean of any morally grey traits he might've had (he's not allowed to care for his family (unless it's regulus) or long for them bc they are bad, he's not allowed to have any prejudices even though he was literally raised with pureblood mentality and taught he was superior to everyone else from the day he was born, he's not allowed to be an asshole bc he's not like his family guys!! and when he is an asshole it's always used to victimize the character he's being an asshole to and sirius is painted as the villain with mommy issues that can only be fixed by getting dicked down apparently)

i cannot stress this enough: LET THIS MAN BE A COMPLEX CHARACTER!! and no, giving him mental illnesses that miraculously disappear when he gets together with remus and making him attempt to kill himself post prank because he feels bad is NOT making him complex! you're just weird. you're just romanticizing mental illnesses and i can't believe you don't see anything wrong with it. giving him bipolar to justify his actions is?? not??? representation??? it's offensive to people who actually have to deal with these issues in their day to day lives and yet here you are using something that will impact their life forever as a plot device for your uwu sadboy mlm fanfic.

and that's what new sirius boils down to. he's a plot device, an accessory to everyone else's story that's never given much depth other than "oh his mom used the cruciatus on him and now he's traumatized". no hate to jegulus but hate to specific jegulus fics that turn sirius into an overdramatic caricature of his former self for the sake of drama and angst.

also, some of these wolfstar shippers... wtf are you guys on?? idk when and why (that's a lie i do but i'm not gonna say it) remus became sirius black in a werewolf costume but here we are. oh sirius was cool and effortlessly smart and handsome and girls wanted him? well guess what? snatches all of those character traits and throws them onto remus they're his character traits now. ignore how it doesn't make any sense for the werewolf child who was isolated from the rest of the world to be a smooth talking alpha casanova who plays basketball actually. while we're at it, ignore how unrealistic it is for a boy who was raised in a family that believed they were superior to everyone else based on blood status, who was raised to be the perfect heir and checked off all the traits needed to be one to be insecure?? and unsure of himself?? and stupid??? and a loser??? i don't understand what the point of flipping the wolfstar dynamic was when you're left with a shallow copy of the original but ok. you do you ig.

to summarize, my sirius is cool and effortlessly smart and egotistical and a complete asshole who thinks he's the best thing ever. is it an act to cover up how damaged he thinks he is because of his family? possibly. but i also fully believe sirius thought he was a god amongst men and everyone should be glad to be in his presence. he talked down to other people because he considered himself smarter, he rolled his eyes when students asked stupid questions and made fun of them when they got an answer wrong. he's a teenage boy let him be a dick with no excuses.

(also i find it funny when people write about sirius getting into a fight with james or remus and crying because they said something mean. as if sirius wouldn't throw hands the moment someone started criticizing him. he's toxic and that's what makes him interesting. that's his purpose! characters exist to make stories interesting, to start drama, not to be your moral guide on how to act. stories become so much more fun once you let go of the need to make every character a good person. also liking a character doesn't equal liking them as a person. i love sirius but i would hate his guts irl)

[emsgoodthinkin]

As long as I’m with You

Steve Harrington x You (short)

Summary: Steve wakes up to another bad night you’ve had this week

Warnings: hurt/comfort, talks of poor physical and mental health, doctors, suicidal ideation, medication use, drug use, chronic health issues, BPD if you squint, disabilities, use of the word “girl” x times, negative self talk, mentions of sex, angst, fluff~~

This is based off my own experiences and inspired by my pal Morgan’s version; feel free to check hers out

Tick tick tick

The clock strikes 12 and then 1, 3, 5am in the morning, no sleep no rest it’s an every day cycle. The same shitty cycle.

It’s a new year, but not a new you.

Sitting in your walker in front of the excruciatingly bright television screen, high as a kite, everything in existence running through your mind 100 mph, sometimes the weed helps the pain. Sometimes it induces it or even makes it worse. Right now it’s doing nothing for you. Looking over at your loved one sound asleep. You don’t want to bother him with your whines or crying. So you just sit there silence, tears rolling down your cheeks; while you watch some bullshit on YouTube.

Sniff Sniff

“Baby?”

Shit.

“..yea?” you say in a whispered tone

“Are you ok? what’s wrong?”

“Ah, you already know”, you’ve used that line probably over a million times

Steve comes along your side expecting a few dried tears, but his eyes widen when he’s sees the collar around your shirt bitten, snot dribbling down your mouth and throat, crouching down, he lies his head onto your thigh looking up at you, “Talk to me sweetheart”

“No.”

“Hey, I know you’re hurting”—

“GOOD FOR YOU! Congratulations you know I’m hurting, you know I’ve been hurting for fucking years. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged it unlike some people”you sniffle getting up in a hurry to take a piss as he follows with sad eyes leaning against the door frame

“I’m fucking tired, I’m so goddamn exhausted nobody will ever know what I’m dealing with!”, you say wiping your ass not bothering to wash your hands, “I can’t do anything I can’t run, I can’t jump, can’t go to the stupid, fucking grocery store without one of those motorized carts.. my back hurts, my fucking knees are throbbing, stupid fucking nerves won’t calm down FUCK! It’s not like I can get in the bathtub to calm my muscles down. Nothing is helping! No medication, no PT, no injections, no nothing! Why?? am I just resistant to any source of help or treatment? I-I can’t even lay in the goddamn bed to sleep. That’s all I have left is rest!! What is rest!? I don’t know what the hell that even is”

“I know baby I know”—

“NO YOU DONT STEVE, all you know is what you see. I wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy, my worst enemy to feel what I feel. That’s how bad it all hurts. The most evil, sick and twisted person in this world, I would never wish this upon. I just..”, getting dizzy you collapse on the bed sobbing into your own hands, then eventually into Steve’s shoulder as he rocks you, tears spilling from his own eyes—

“Nobody cares, nobody wants to help me. nobody cares unless I’m rich and can afford to give them any and ALL the things off my back, but I can’t. Even with the money you make it will never be enough to help the poor girl who’s too young to have any kind of issue. It’s “all in my head” I’m just fucking crazy. I could break my own neck and still be told it’s only from anxiety. Nobody cares just”—

“I care” he exhales

“It doesn’t matter if you care, all your care is useless, all your help is worthless to me because it gets me nowhere. Nobody’s love and care gets me nowhere. It’s nothing all but fucking false hope. Don’t you get that? None of you still to this day seems understand that. Stop praying for me to get better. It’s never going to happen. I can’t take it anymore.. I just wanna die! All I wish for is to die but, I can’t even have that. It’s like all of you want me here, to live and suffer for the rest of my life for y’all, it’s not fair, fuck that”, your trembling, body in fight or flight

“Don’t say that, you know I’d do anything to take your pain away”

“It doesn’t matter what you’d do because you’re not a doctor. You’re not a professional, you can’t help me get better.. sucks to hear but it’s the truth Steve..fuck”—

Steve’s really trying not to beat himself up over your words, he knows you’re in pain, it comes from a place of anger, frustration and fear

“I have all these pain medications I could easily take all at once, so I’ll never have to wake up in this position ever again. Why can’t I do it huh? I could end right here right now you never have to suffer again, but I just d-don’t; If anything, I’m the most selfless person for staying alive for YOU just so I can be alive but in pain all over again for YOU!”, your tone getting higher and higher in pitch

“I-I’m sorry.. I wish I knew the right words to say baby”, he’s trying his best to stay strong for you

“You’ve got to be sick of me, tired of me. All I do is cause more money to come out of your pockets, more exhaustion, more burdening, more crying, more everything bad for you. You already deal with your own shit. I do nothing but make your own mentality worse, hell you’re making your own self worse being with a person like me. A broken and useless excuse of a human being. You deserve somebody who can go hiking with you, go to the beach, travel with, who can do the bare minimum. Can’t even fuck you properly—

“STOP! Stop that right now” he shouts

You freeze because he’s never raised his voice at you, atleast not on purpose at such a vulnerable time

“I hate it too. You know it hurts me to know that you hurt and I’m sorry that I can’t take the pain away from you. My sweet, sweet girl I’m so sorry that nobody has given you the chance to hear your voice, to help heal you..but I’m gonna make you the same promise I make you almost every single night. As long as I’m with you, I will try my best with all my power to make it a little bit more bearable for you to be here, and I am so grateful that you are still here and choose to be here with me for us to be together. I know you hurt, but as long as you’re with me, I’m going to do my best to put a smile on your pretty face, beautiful sunshine of a smile because you’re my sunshine.. y-your smile gives me life did you know that?”

You nod. He tells you all the time

“I- I’m tired for wishing to feel ok for my birthdays, every Christmas. All the shirts and posters you got me for Christmas? I haven’t even touched them yet, you know why? Because the selfish person in me doesn’t give a fuck about none of it. The only thing I care about and want and NEED is pain relief and that’s too much to ask for isn’t it? Apparently wanting to be better in the world it’s too much to ask for”

“You deserve to feel better”, he says while his hand travels up your back to rub your tense neck, “You deserve to be free from all of this and I can’t give that to you. You’re not selfish baby you’re hurting. I love you for you. I knew what I was signing up for, and if I didn’t want that I wouldn’t be here right now with you. I know the sacrifices Ill have to make, the tears I’ll have to shed, the strength it’ll take me to pick you up when you’re down, but I fell in love with you, how you are, and who you are”

“Who are you kidding Steve, you don’t even know who I am. The real me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I wish you met me when I wasn’t sick then maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed out a-and.. and,” you start sobbing again, it’s all too overwhelming

“Hey, hey look at me, no. I met you at the right time. You need me just as much as I need you. You may not think you’re worth nothing but you’re worth everything to me. Yeah you have a good and bad days..—

“I’ve had nothing but bad days for the past few months Steve”-

“I know, I see it, I hear it and I witness it, I may not can feel it, but at the end of it all, you still love me. You’re still here. You still want to cook for me. You still get up to brush your teeth and I’m so proud of you for still trying to care for yourself. That’s the biggest job you’ll ever have, and it’s been a very hard job hasn’t it?

You nod, as he nods with you

“Yeah, it has, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I want to provide for you. I want to take care of you. You’re my girl, you deserve so much and as long as I’m with you, I will try every day, every hour, every second or minute, to make sure you know how loved, how great and how amazing you are. How great and amazing you’re doing for yourself and for me. How strong you are”—

—“im tired of having being strong all the time”, interrupting him

“I know you are. You are so strong for being on this earth, even when you don’t want to be. I wouldn’t ask for anybody else, you’re it for me always. Will you continue to let me try to make it better for you every day? To take care of you?”, he squats in front of you, cupping your wet cheeks, kissing your forehead

“But Stevie.. you know you’re getting your own hopes up because nothing you do helps either and I feel like a piece of shit for saying that because”—

“I know what you mean, you don’t have to be sorry. I understand you may not have hope but I do. All my Hope goes towards you and it always will. You are the most important thing in my life. I’m not gonna give up on you, on me or on us, ok sunshine?”

..”okay”, you repeat rubbing your temples

“Head hurt, darling?”

“yes”

“From crying too hard?”

You nod, looking away in shame, “It’s okay, I’ll get your Migrane cap from the freezer and i’ll set your pillows up how you like, just sit tight”, he says it standing then pausing at the doorway, looking over his shoulder, “I love you”

“luv you—

“Hmm? What was that, I couldn’t hear you” he exclaims

“I said love you gosh.. shut up”, you barely crack a smile

That was enough to get him through the rest of the night.

[tumbler-polls]

This one is a bit more controversial; hope you don't mind!

[uncanny-tranny]

Choosing not to recover is, frankly, a non-action and something neutral. While you can absolutely abuse people, choosing not to recover is not in and of itself an act of abuse, and sometimes it seems like people think that not recovering holds the same weight as abuse. While things like abuse are nuanced and dynamic, recovery is not a respite that prevents abuse from happening.

[alexthesillybilly]

This is a character analysis on Springtrap- if you have some kind of fear of death or body horror and don't want to see that, this is your warning ❤

"The Safe Room".

After thirty years trapped in that safe room, William's mind would never be the same.

No matter how much his body rotted- first his corpse, and slowly, the suit, too- no matter how much of him decayed or was eaten away by bugs, he was still alive.

He could try to rip his corpse out of the suit. He could try to throw himself against the walls of that room to get them to break down, even just a little.

Or he could just sit.

At first it was thinking. Sitting in the corner of the room, trying to occupy his mind with his memories, trying to analyse any detail he'd missed- something, anything to keep him sane.

But one day, without him even noticing, it slipped away.

There must've been some day where when this thing thought, it was no longer William- but Springtrap.

How long had it been there?

How long would it be stuck here?

Was it all in vain to keep any hope, to continue begging that somebody would find it?

At some point, the safe room would have broken him. Further than he'd ever known.

Everything William had experienced- the springlock failures, all the pain he caused, burning over and over and over again, even being trapped in his own hell-

None of it compared to the safe room.

None of it compared to the endless void that was that room.

He could see nothing, it was completely dark in the room.

He could hear nothing, other than the occasional bug or rat finding its way in, possibly the rain leaking through the roof.

He could smell nothing other than his own rot- if he could even sense that at all anymore.

He could taste nothing other than his own blood.

And, god, he felt nothing but his own excruciating pain, both physical and psychological. But at some point, it wasn't even pain anymore. It was just how he was, how this creature existed. At some point he must've been aching to feel anything, even if it was more pain- longing for any kind of stimulation at all, no matter how horrific.

At some point, he realized that this was death,

and it would never,

ever,

end.

[jinx58062]

nothing makes me feeling guiltier than lying to love ones about being “better”, like sorry guys im only just getting started on the progression down hill…

[eclaire-went-bam]

npd + rdr culture is seeing people call dutch a narcissist and going "YEAA KING he's just like me ong" and then promptly realise they're actually insulting him with the word 'narcissist' & i proceed to backpedal ...

[mentalyardbelongingprincess2]

i relapsed but i’m in love

i’m going to a psych clinic next week, i’m scared it won’t heal me

because if it doesn’t, i’m already d3ad

[olskuvallanpoe]

one of the most devastating parts of growing up with dead poets society as a beloved movie, is that you realize once you’re an adult that neil really could have had a happy life eventually.

when I was a teenager, I wanted to do what neil did, and I couldn’t even imagine a life beyond 18. I felt trapped, hopeless, unlovable, and alone. I didn’t see the point in being the golden kid any longer because nothing made me happy. I was like a bird in a cage, no matter what I did.

but now? now, I know myself better, and I’m doing things that make me happy. I have joy in my life, and I have accomplishments I can be proud of. I can picture a life beyond a few years ahead, and I look forward too it, no matter what the restrictions imposed on me in childhood did to try and keep me in the fold.

that’s the most upsetting part of dead poets society, though. that neil could have found something like this one day too, if only he’d been able to survive a little longer. he could have found happiness and contentment. he could have found his rightful place in the world, but now, no one will ever know just how much he could have accomplished. that’s the true tragedy.