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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

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First up, I wanted to thank all of you for running this blog. It’s such an important resource for as I’m sure it is to many others.

TW: Possible child abuse (emotional neglect / slight physical / overall unhealthy dynamic). LGBT-phobia. Ableism, perhaps? Mentioned disordered eating and suicidal ideation.

I’m looking for something more in the advice or reassurance vein, please? So, I come from a more traditional family: I constantly have to walk on eggshells around my dad, he and my mom rant about how LGBT is “corrupting” the world (which is so stressful for me because I’m genderfluid), my mom called me stupid for sobbing in front of her and saying I felt depressed… that type of stuff. Only last year did I realise that these aren’t healthy family traits. However, as I speak more and more with my recently-acquired mental health counselor, I’m getting unsure on if my parents are actually abusive or not. We’re practicing stuff like reframing (this mental health help is for a limited time only, though, so it’s not full-on therapy) and part of me agrees with what my counselor says, but another is angrier and insists they might be watering down my problems because of my miscommunication.

For example, I explained how my mom once told me that “family is the only you can trust” and how she “bets my friends are talking about me behind my back right now,” yet they say my mom is communicating poorly and that she’s right; friends can and will drop you, unlike family. They highlight that I’ll always see the worst in my family because my parents will come home tired from a work day and might just be stressed. Or whenever I explain stuff like my frequent skipping meals or suicidal ideation, their response is a “it happens to the best of us” and then moving on to the next topic (apart from things like that, they handle most other problems well.)

But as I’m writing this, I feel like it’s all my fault, you know? Like I’m antagonising my first and only therapist for the sake of it. Like I’m grappling onto the tiniest, pettiest moments in my life to announce “I’m an abuse victim!” and demand others pity me.

I’m sorry if this is a too long/a confusing ask, but I’d like to know whether this seems like I’m blowing it all out of proportions or if it’s justified? (If you don’t want to answer or don’t have a clear opinion, that’s completely fine! /gen)

Thank you,

— Void

Hello Void,

My sincere apologies for taking so long to reply to this - thank you so much for your kind words, we appreciate them <3

I am so sorry for the things you are experiencing, it sounds like there is a whole slew of issues and concerns to unpack, and I’m glad that there is some therapy in place already - though I hope the short term develops into something more concrete as you slowly peel back the layers. Just from the examples you shared in your ask, I personally feel you are living in an unsupportive, abusive home environment, and have unequal relationships with your friends who are dismissive of your mental health and attempts to speak your truth in vulnerable moments.

It is quite reasonable to me that you would feel anger, and several other emotions as well, surrounding all this, because you have been attempting to label, and advocate, for your needs, and (I assume) ask for the bare minimum: mutually respectful relationships. Because as much as several people keep trying to downplay what is being said/done to you, I wonder how they would feel if they were experiencing the same? Would they feel just as dismissed if they came to you sharing suicidal ideation and you replied with a “happens to the best of us?” I would feel sad if they felt this was the best standard to be found in friendships. And how would your mom feel if she were the one crying, sharing she’s depressed, and you replied by calling her “stupid”?

You have been working hard trying to see their perspective, but to me, by what you shared, they aren’t extending you the same courtesy, and you deserve mutually respectful relationships. We all do.

As for advice, I don’t think it’s as simple as “ghost everyone”, but perhaps tweaking how much you share with people whose track record is subpar at best when it comes to handling your truths of vulnerability?

Maybe an option to consider could be building your support system one step at a time - therapy is a fantastic start, because they can help work on a treatment plan with coping skills, as well as provide safe spaces to explore your feelings - but maybe also consider branching out where/how you meet people? Perhaps online groups of niche interests, or community volunteering programs, both can be a wonderful space where you might meet others on the LGBT+ spectrum who will honor your identity, and/or have connections to further mental health resources. There’s also support groups (both in person, and online) that might be an option as well?

I wouldn’t want anyone to spread themselves too thin between relationships, and potential commitments, and yet on the other hand, exploring your available options might be of service - in that the very least you can start building your own tribe, where you can let people in who are willing to extend you the same empathy and compassion you’ve been trying to do for yourself.

Regardless of what the next steps might be for you, I am so sorry for the things that have happened so far, and I hope that things improve <3

- Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #void #tw child abuse #tw lgbtphobia #tw ableism #tw disordered eating #tw suicidal ideation

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weeby-monster-the-bastard · 13 days

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When september comes again and you remember what happened...

a year ago i was being severely abused by my ex boyfriend, its when i had my last suicide attempt when my cutting was at an all-time high when i was throwing up all my food and starving myself to make myself look 'pretty'

two years ago in september was the last fight i had with my older brother before he passed a month later, was the first time i thought i was in love, when i was also being severely abused to the pointed everyday was either mental hospital or suicide attempt

but... also a year ago i met the love of my life.... though we didn't know it until December 2nd, last year i got to take my little brother out for his birthday and buy him something he wanted, last year i started learning ASL all in September... so if you feel like ending it all or life feels like shit i get it but also know its not your fault and even if it feels it wont get better it will. i promise it will

#tw rant #tw #tw sui talk #tw sui implied #cw: gore #disordered eating cw #suicide prevention month #mental health support #trauma recovery #mental illness #isolation #apathy

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baby-anonymouse · 2 years

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Tw: suicide, self esteem

I’m scared to make any changes to my hair (cut it, dye it, even trim it) because I worry about how I’ll be perceived

My hair is so long and shiny and beautiful right now and is a huge component of what makes me attractive, and now that I’ve gained weight, im scared to change the thing that I feel makes me attractive because then what will I be left with?

I have such a strong desire to change up my hair and I know exactly what I want to do with it, but im terrified of the idea of looking less attractive because I feel like I need everyone to think I look good, that my hair is the only thing making me pretty right now, that I’ll just be an ugly blob if I fuck with my hair. Obviously I have some self esteem issues.

On top of the self esteem shit, a bit of the suicidal/phrenophobic OCD plays into this too, because I have the thought that, okay, if my hair sucks and then I feel ugly and then that affects my self esteem and then that alters my long term mood and then I go into a depression and then I kill myself

That’s fucking ridiculous. I’m scared to get my hair cut because I think it will make me kill myself?? The sad thing is is that it seems totally rational to me. Like, I KNOW it’s not, but it feels like it is.

The way that OCD, EDs, and self esteem play into each other is truly incredible

#actually ocd #ocd #self worth #self image #body image #tw suicide #tw eating disorders #tw body talk #tw body image

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cagesings · 2 years

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modern foggs.

disclaimer: mental health care has improved massively within the past few decades. there aren’t very many insane asylums in the western world anymore. i have heard of several people having great experiences in mental hospitals and receiving the care they need. however, foggs is not like that at all. it is still an incredibly abusive environment that should not be running. it is not at all what modern mental heath care should look like. while it is based on real experiences from a few different people, it is fictional and made out to be a very bad place. please do not read this and assume every mental health care center is like this. some are bad and some are good. this is one of the bad ones. i am also not a mental health professional. this is based on the research that i've done based on other people's stories and aided by actual professionals.

warnings for abuse of all kinds, suicide, mental illness, hospitals, eating disorders, general things about mental asylums that you find on this blog, brief mentions of grooming, self-hatred, etc.

fogg’s mental institution was started in 1926 by well-known psychiatrist, robert john fogg who claimed to have been inspired by the mistreatment he’d witnessed at other mental institutions. however, many people would disagree that was his mission. this hospital originally went by the name, foggs asylum for the insane until the the nineties when a mental health act was passed in the united states and mental hospitals began steering away from the term ‘asylum.’ it is located on the outskirts from london, bordering on the city but considered to be a safe distance away for the safety of the public and for safety of the patients.

from the almost beginning, foggs was overcrowded. the list of patients requesting a bed was overflowing and expansions were quick to be added on. however, these expansions were not as fast as previously hoped. it did not deter the hospital from admitting patients anyway. making room within the already smaller-sized wards. by the mid 1930s, foggs was a chaotic mess with patients strapped to their beds, wandering around naked, and sickening experiments preformed. their peak was in the 1950s with thousands of patients with no hope for getting the help they needed. it was often compared to fellow asylum bethlem royal hospital, well-known as bedlam.

with the introduction of medication and the decline in mental hospital as a whole, somehow foggs prevailed. patients were moved to other hospitals or taken out all together as they downsized but they were still able to remain a functioning mental hospital. everything was lawful and passed tests and certifications.

however, the care within foggs remained infamous. turpin was well-aware of foggs and often made the suggestion to criminals pleading insanity to stay there. if he couldn’t get them behind bars, then he would get them into the most sickening hospital he could. he picked this hospital carefully for johanna upon learning her plans to elope with her high school sweetheart.

treatment at foggs was horrific, johanna learned upon entering the hospital. she was taken into the eating disorder unit ( known as the edu ), based on the brief time when she was twelve when she experimented with disordered eating as a response to her body dysmorphia. turpin considered this to be a safe diagnoses for him. he did not want people to believe he had a suicidal ward/wife. punishing johanna for her ungratefulness when she developed an eating disorder pushed a message across for her. don’t take advantage of my kindness again.

the staff did not understand eating disorders. they believed the girls in there to be spoiled brats seeking attention and would tell that to their faces. most of the other girls were around johanna’s age. the oldest was twenty-one. the youngest was eleven. no one tried to understand why these girls developed these disorders. they were focused on getting them to gain weight and eat. there were several girls who seemed to be competing against the others on who could eat the least. who could continue the loose the most amount of weight. to have a feeding tube made one special and good at achieving their goals to those girls whose illness was controlling their thoughts.

at six am, the night nurses would wake everyone up to be weighed, wearing nothing a hospital gown and no underwear. nurses would make sure the patients weren’t hiding any weights underneath before stepping on the scale. often, urine samples would be given while supervised to make sure the patients weren’t water loading ( drinking more water to appear as if they’ve gained weight ). after the weigh-ins, medications were administered at seven am. johanna was able to dodge most medications ( they terrified her to take ), although she was diagonalized with several other mental illnesses as well, but turpin instructed them not to put her on many, but there were blood tests almost every single day she was there -- especially when she first arrived. she hated getting her blood taken.

at eight am, the staff went to the ward’s cafeteria. breakfast began at eight on the dot. johanna had to get her food, sit down at her assigned table, get checked she had all the food she was supposed to have, and consume all of it within twenty minutes. if she didn’t eat all of it, she would be given a supplement drink to gain back those missing calories. this happened even is she ate most of it. there were different tables a patient could be seated at depending on the severity of their illness. all of these tables were supervised extremely carefully by nurses. johanna did not like any of the nurses there, but especially these ones. she was given a lot of food in order to put on weight. if someone refused to eat, they were not afraid to shove it down via a nasogastric tube. the more one held out, the more likely it was forced against their will.

after each meal and snack, nurses checked around the table, every tray, and every potential hiding spot for food. johanna would be escorted back to her bed with the other patients and had to sit quietly in view of the nurses for an hour. this was to prevent anyone from exercising or purge what food they ate. if one had to go to the bathroom they would be watched by a nurse to ensure they didn’t attempt to burn calories or purge or self harm.

there was one point in johanna’s stay where there was always a nurse monitoring her. it happened close to the beginning when she tried to sneak into the bathroom alone. they took this as her attempting to purge and the nurse was with her for about three weeks until the doctor cleared her.

this may have been influenced by dr. jonas fogg himself, who had followed in his grandfather and now ran the hospital. he knew turpin well and had taken and immediate interest in johanna when he learned she was staying at his facility. his interest in her made johanna more than uncomfortable. though, it wasn’t far from what she encountered with the judge. with the nurse monitoring her constantly, fogg couldn’t talk to johanna privately. or attempt anything. although, fogg never did attempt anything on her, johanna almost pretended to go to the bathroom privately again to get the nurse back -- despite how much she hated it originally.

blood pressure, pulse, temperature, and breathing rate observations happened often throughout the day. when johanna first arrived, it was once every hour. by the end, it was every four hours. there were visits from dieticians and at times, psychiatrist visits. however, those never helped. johanna spent the majority of them talking about problems she did not have ( ex. being diagnosed with depression despite not having it ) and getting scolded about every little thing.

within the first few weeks of being there, she formed a plan on how she could elope with anthony. johanna was not allowed to make calls or have visitors until she earned being able to see people in person. but once she did and once anthony found her, she would give him instructions on how to fill out a marriage license and had bribed a girl to sign as a witness and anthony would take it to someone she knew could sign to make it legal. johanna bribed the girl by trading trays with her and hiding food for her for a week. she felt more than terrible about it. but it was the only way she knew how to get out of there.

mealtimes were at ten thirty am for morning tea, lunch at twelve thirty, afternoon tea at three pm, dinner at five thirty pm, and supper at eight pm. after each meal, they were always monitored the same way.

medications were handed out at eight thirty pm. johanna was prescribed a medication for sleeping. she hated it and would attempt to refuse it if possible. though, she quickly learned that if she did refuse it, they might hook her up to an iv to administer the medication that way. though, some nights she tore the needle out and blamed it on moving in her sleep. nurses would come in every hour, shinning a light in her face to see if she was asleep. johanna was extremely restless during her nine month stay.

rooms were searched hourly for any sort of weapons. pencils, pens, needles, books, stables, etc. this was even worse for johanna who had been labeled as suicidal. turpin allowed that because it was not the ‘reason’ she was in the hospital, but he would be made out as heroic for saving his suicidal ward’s/wife’s life. if anyone did find out about her stay at the hospital.

johanna ended up becoming close to the younger girls in the edu. she truly did want to help them. the older girls tended to be more ‘competitive’ which she always found too sad and anxiety-inducing. the staff did not understand mental illness well and frequently abused her mentally and emotionally.

bamford visited her once. it was about four months in. johanna wasn’t aware if she was allowed to have visitors or if he said something to the staff, but she sat across from him in the prison-like visiting room. he offered to bring her home. back to turpin. who she would be married to or sent back here. johanna refused before he even finished speaking.

her stay at this hospital worsened her anxiety and paranoia instead of addressing it. her hatred towards food grew worse. she only ate because she was afraid of them punishing her. she was constantly terrified they would put her on suicide watch ( which strapped her of what little privacy she could have in the edu and people would be under surveillance 24/7 and it horrified her ). she had little privacy ( couldn’t shower without a nurse there, couldn’t use the bathroom without a nurse there, had to wear the hospital’s pajamas or gowns though they felt too tight on her and she wanted better layers to cover herself with ).

foggs made johanna’s eating disorder worse after she escaped with anthony. she hadn’t had any problems with her eating since she was thirteen. at the point she was admitted, she was seventeen. they made an mostly non-existent problem worse. body image is always something she grappled with, but because she was terrified of going through what happened when turpin discovered her eating disorder again, she didn’t try again. she was underweight but not dangerously. with enormous amounts of food that she couldn’t possibly finish in twenty minutes practically shoved down her throat, she had an intense self-hatred for herself. even worse than before.

#whew #basically: foggs is bad #foggs is part of the reason why she develops an ed later on #there are a few things i need to update in the meta i have on johanna's ed but i'll link it here soon as that's done #though there's still more i can say about foggs but i feel like it's too . . . dark for the dash #*❈ ‣ 𝘩𝑜𝑤 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑟𝑒𝑚𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑡 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑟𝑎𝑖𝑛? — ( headcanon. )#ed tw #eating disorder tw #anorexia tw #grooming tw #mental hospital tw #hospital tw #body image tw #body dysmorphia tw #mental illness tw #suicide tw #abuse tw #disclaimer is there mostly because i talk a lot about how bad mental hospitals used to be but i don't want people #to assume that it's always like that now

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youremyheaven · 5 months

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The Internal Corrosiveness of Venus: Venusian Women & Self Harm

TW: self harm, abuse, suicide, violence, trauma

Claire had remarked that "Venus is internally corrosive whilst externally pleasant and Mars is externally corrosive but internally pleasant". This led me down a rabbit hole to try to understand whether this "internally corrosive" nature manifests as self harm & eating disorders and unfortunately, it does. Venusian women struggle with perfectionism and are extremely self-critical. Venusian energy is HARSH. Venus natives struggle to uphold a certain standard that they subject themselves too because if I'm being honest Venus is the OG "not like other girls girl", they believe they're better than others, and tbh in many ways they probably are but this also means they put undue pressure on themselves to keep being that way.

All Venusian naks are Ugra or "fierce" in nature and while I've talked about how Venusian violence and cruelty can be directed at others in my other posts, I think its worth mentioning how Venusians can be just as cruel to themselves. This is especially true of Venusian women as women internalise their problems while men wreak external havoc (like causing wards and killing people) but there are many male Venusians who struggle internally as well.

In ancient religions, Goddesses of love also had other functions or powers that had nothing to do with love

the Egyptian Goddess Isis was the goddess of love, healing, fertility, magic, and the moon. She was the goddess of life and magic, Isis protected women and children and healed the sick.

She was a great magician, whose power transcended that of all other deities.

The Mesopotamian Goddess Ishtar is the goddess of love and sexuality, and thus, fertility; she is responsible for all life, but she is never a Mother goddess. She is also the Goddess of War.

I'm using these examples to show that the ancients had a more complex and nuanced understanding of Venusian energy. One cannot worship love without understanding that "war" is a consequence of it. Love & war are not very different from each other. When someone believes in something and is willing to die for it, we find that to be very honourable. Sometimes this belief leads men to kill others over it and depending on the cause, we describe the war as "good" or "bad" (kill a bunch of fascists and then its a "righteous" war, if you kill innocent people, then its an unholy war etc). Being at a state of war describes Venusian nature very well since Venus is also connected to royalty and if you're born into royalty, you get to live a very "exclusive" very privileged life that few get to enjoy but the stakes are also that much higher since you could be beheaded or executed or exiled and live a life that is far worse than the average person.

In this post I want to explore how this "state of war" can manifest internally in an ordinary Venusian and contribute to self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Bella Hadid- Purvaphalguni Moon & Rising

Bella has admitted to smoking since she was a teenager and getting a rhinoplasty at 14. Her pro ana Tumblr from when she was a teen is infamous at this point. She has never openly spoken about it but it is widely speculated that she struggles with an eating disorder and possible drug abuse as well.

“I was the uglier sister. I was the brunette. I wasn't as cool as Gigi, not as outgoing,” she said. “That's really what people said about me.” I also feel like Venusians grow up feeling really ugly and completely unaware of their magnetism. They only really grow into their looks when they're older (obvs there are exceptions) and I think being bullied for what they have and don't have are also big themes.

Demi Lovato- Bharani Moon

Demi has spoken about struggling with self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Lovato said, “growing up, I had been bullied in school,” saying she “felt like an outsider," and "like an outcast,” but then she became friends with a girl who was popular. “One day, I asked her ‘how do you have all these friends?,’” Lovato noted, and the girl asked Lovato “do you party?" Lovato explained, "She asked me, 'Do you drink?,'" with Lovato saying that this was her first experience with drugs and alcohol, adding, “we experienced a lot of stuff together, drinking and using, and growing up.” Bharani being an outcaste nakshatra resulted in Demi feeling like one growing one :(((

Taylor Swift- Purvashada Rising

Taylor opened up about her eating disorder in her documentary

Lindsay Lohan- Bharani Moon

LiLo has struggled with self harm, drug abuse and battled eating disorders

Oscar Wilde, Purvaphalguni Rising wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray

The plot goes like this : An attractive Englishman's image is captured in a painting that keeps him from ageing, when he exchanges his soul for eternal beauty. But for every sin that he commits, his image in the portrait rots.

This is a very deeply Venusian story, and very specifically Purvaphalguni esque because Purvaphalguni is the height of Venus. It can be said that its also true of Venusians in general. They are outwardly splendorous, they seem to have it all together but inwardly they tend to be inflicting wounds upon themselves in order to keep it all together.

Johnny Depp- Purvashadha Moon

He has also battled eating disorders, self harm and drug abuse.

Iggy Pop- Bharani Moon

"THERE IS EXTREME, there is legendary — and then there is Iggy Pop. Beginning in his earliest days with the Stooges taunting Ann Arbor frat boys and small town Michigan folk, Iggy made an art of excess: self-mutilation, self-exposure and self-destruction. His risky theatricality required an audience to respond, participate or get the heck out of there. And the sex and violence hardly stopped after the show was over."- this is how Rolling Stone described Iggy Pop and tbh this is a very Venusian description

In 1974, at his first solo concert dubbed The Murder of a Virgin. "Do you want to see blood?" Iggy asked the crowd, which howled affirmatively back at him. Then, at Iggy's urging, guitarist Ron Asheton, wearing a Nazi outfit, whipped Iggy repeatedly. Iggy began hurling racial epithets at a black spectator, hoping to goad the man into stabbing him with the steak knife he'd brought onstage. No luck, so he closed the set by carving an X into his chest himself.

Marilyn Manson- Purvashadha Sun

He has struggled with self harm in the past (there are images online if you're interested) and in 2013, he tried to simulate self harm on stage by holding a knife to his wrist in the middle of a performance??

Christina Ricci- Purvashadha Moon

Ricci has said she suffered from anorexia as a teenager and was sexually assaulted as a child. “There was no discussion at that time about trauma, and about recovering from those things, about PTSD,” she said. As a result, she ended up “acting out and coping in ways that weren't good."

Robert Downey Jr- Bharani Moon, Mars in Purvaphalguni

its pretty well known that RDJ was severely addicted to drugs at one point and it started when he was a child and drugs was given to him by his dad:///

Megan Fox- Purvashadha Rising

"I have body dysmorphia — I don't ever see myself the way other people see me," Fox said. "There's never a point in my life where I loved my body, never, ever." "When I was little, that was an obsession I had of, like, but I should look this way,"

‘However, at a certain point, I went through some trauma in childhood and I developed a pretty severe eating disorder and manic depression, which runs in my family, so there was definitely some wrestling with chemical imbalance going on,’ she shared.

its interesting how so many of these natives begin struggling with these issues very early in life

Colin Farrell- Purvashadha Rising, Jupiter conjunct Ketu in Bharani

While he did not say that he had cut himself when he was younger, Colin Farrell had some self-inflicting behavior during his younger days. He spoke on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and said that he used to actually enjoy pulling out huge tufts of his hair.

Pete Davidson- Purvaashadha Rising

'I used to bang my head against walls,' he admitted. 'If I couldn't deal with something -- if someone told me something sad or something I couldn't deal with I would bang my head against the wall, hoping I'd pass out because I didn't want to be in that situation because I couldn't handle that.

Melanie Lynskey- Bharani Moon

“I stopped throwing up, mostly. It took a while. But that was a big one. I had, for a very long time, been on this diet that was basically 800 calories a day, and if I ate anything over 800 calories, I would throw up,” she said. “I was never bingey. Sometimes I’d be starving, and I’d have another teacup of Special K. Then I’d be like, ‘Well, now I gotta throw it up.’”

Tila Tequila- Purvaphalguni Moon

On March 7, 2012, it was reported that Tequila had agreed to check into rehab after having reportedly "almost died" from an attempted suicide by overdosing on pills. The incident caused her to be hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. Tequila completed her rehab treatment on April 5, 2012.

Jeffree Star- Purvashadha Moon

images of him self harming once went viral

Till Lindemann- Purvashadha Sun

he's known for his SH scars and has even written poems about it in German??? its called "The poems: Knives on silent nights"

Portia de Rossi- Rahu in Purvashadha 2h

she's struggled with an eating disorder

Padma Lakshmi- Purvaphalguni Sun & Moon

"When filming "Top Chef," I consume about 5,000 to 8,000 calories a day,'' she wrote. "I typically gain anywhere from 10 to 17 pounds every season. Once I get home, what's taken me six weeks to gain takes me 12 weeks to take off. It's always a nail-biting extravaganza at fittings, praying that a few pretty dresses that came down the runway on a teenage model who is a size 0 will miraculously fit my 40-something body,'' she wrote. "Getting ready for the Emmys is always fun, and it's truly an honor to be nominated. But at the same time, in spite of my high metabolism, I worry each year that I'm not going to fit into anything nice. So, this year, I've decided my weight will not be my focus,'' she wrote. "If I need a bigger dress, so be it. That one day — or any day — on the red carpet isn't nearly as important as making sure my daughter doesn't measure her worth by her dress size."

i guess this is a more positive manifestation of Venusian self image struggles

Jessica Alba- Bharani Stellium (Sun, Mercury & Venus)

“I was meant to feel ashamed if I tempted men,” she said. “Then I stopped eating a lot when I became an actress. I made myself look more like a boy so I wouldn’t get as much attention.”

Katie Couric- Purvashadha Sun

“I wrestled with bulimia all through college and for two years after that,” she shared with Lovato while interviewing her, per Glamour. “I know this rigidity, this feeling that if you eat one thing that’s wrong, you’re full of self-loathing and then you punish yourself, whether it’s one cookie or a stick of gum that isn’t sugarless, that I would sometimes beat myself up for that. How do you have a healthy relationship with food, and say, ‘You know what, I can have one cookie and it’s OK?’ That is such a huge thing for people who wrestle with this.”

Zayn Mailk- Purvaphalguni Moon

In his 2016 autobiography, Zayn, he shared it would sometimes cause him to go two or three days without eating a single bite of food. “Something I’ve never talked about in public before, but which I have come to terms with since leaving the band, is that I was suffering from an eating disorder. It got quite serious, although at the time I didn’t recognize it for what it was,” he wrote. “When I look back at images of myself—before the final tour—I can see how ill I was. The workload and the pace of life on the road put together with the pressures and strains of everything going on within the band had badly affected my eating habits. Food was something I could control, so I did.”

Zoe Kravitz- Purvaphalguni Moon conjunct Ketu

“I think it was part of being a woman, and being surrounded by [fame],” she said. “I think it was definitely about being around that world, seeing that world. I felt pressured.” After playing an anorexic character in a movie, she hit her lowest of lows and was so malnourished that her immune system shut down. Months later, she decided to make a change. “I just felt it was different,” she said. “I don’t know… if a f—king spirit came over me and said: ‘You have to stop.’”

Mel C, Purvaphalguni Rising

"When I was in the Spice Girls, the stress of suddenly being thrust into the limelight led me into an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise,” she told The Mirror in 2012. “I became obsessed about what I ate and I cut lots of food groups, like carbs and protein, out of my diet. I survived on fruit and vegetables and little else.”

Nicole Scherzinger- Mars conjunct Rising in Purvaphalguni

"I really struggled with feeling like I fit in. I even had a hard time feeling like I fit into my own skin. I was really hard on myself and had a lot of struggles with self-esteem and a lot of insecurities,” she said. “Later on, that resulted in me having eating disorders because of my body dysmorphia.”

if you're reading this and struggling, you're not alone. please get help!! its not too late to turn things around!! youre so strong and you can do this!!

#venus #purvaphalguni #bharani #purvashadha #astrology notes #vedic astro notes #astrology observations #nakshatras #sidereal astrology #astrology #astro notes #astro observations #vedic astrology #astroblr

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spacebarbarianweird · 8 months

Note

Oooh! Chronic depression Tav sounds right up your alley! I'm also chronically depressed and I have a similar living condition (messy room, not the horrific torture) to Astarion. Maybe a Tav who can empathize with his messy tent and his depression?

Oh yes, this hits my alley! I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression a while ago plus it seems like I had a severe depression when I was 12-19 years old (but I wasn't taken to any specialists back then).

TW: Anxiety and depression come in different forms, my therapists always told me that I have a weird skill to look absolutely normal meanwhile tests show signs of severe depression. I've based this headcanon on my own experience.

TW 2: A suicide attempt, depression.

Astarion x Depressed!Tav

Masterlist

Headcanons

You feel off.

Something was utterly wrong with you for the last few years.

You barely eat, sleep too much

Decision-making is difficult as fuck, and you just do what you are told to.

The time is slipping through your fingers and you sometimes realize it's already winter when it was summer a day ago.

You feel like drowning in the dark void.

Maybe you should just end everything? Because life will never get better.

The tadpole suppresses your condition.

You suddenly feel good. You feel strong. You feel alive.

And the Emperor is particularly adamant that you embrace the tadpole potential.ccepting the tadpole potential.

"Remember how bad you felt before? It will get worse if you deny the tadpole. Once it's gone, your mind will drown in darkness again. But accept my offer, and you will never suffer again."

You recognize familiar patterns in Astarion's behavior.

His inability to make decisions.

The mess he made of his tent.

The way he sometimes sits and stares in the distance not moving at all.

That he doesn't really read, staring at the papers with mindless eyes.

Or quickly turning pages without understanding what is written there.

Or an extreme degree of anhedonia. He cannot taste wine or food, his senses are dulled, and nothing brings him joy except blood and sex (both of which have been unavailable to him for centuries).

You want to accept the tadpole. You don't want to go back to where you were. He doesn't want to either.

But when you take the astral tadpole, Astarion knocks it out of your hands and smashes it.

"You're in no condition to make decisions like that, dear," he says, grabbing your arm.

Neither is he.

You fear to have the tadpole removed.

When it is gone, it's worse than you expected.

You can't move. Can't think. The void is killing you.

You don't want to talk to anyone. You can't do anything. The only thing you are capable of is to crawl into the inn and lie there like in a coffin.

It will never get better.

Maybe, you should just off yourself?

And Astarion's absence only proves your thoughts. He isn't there, he's left. He doesn't need a burden like you.

The relapse is so bad you decide to find a way to end things.

You choose a lonely place and takes a dagger out.

You greet death like an old friend.

Only to wake up under a starry night sky.

With a familiar skeleton-like figure close to you.

Withers brought you back. But why? And how did he…

Before you manage to say anything coherent, you feel strong hands around your waist and a familiar scent.

Astarion cries holding you.

"I shouldn't have left you, I shouldn't have... I am so sorry..."

He was ashamed of himself. Of his own relapse.

But he could never thought you would kill yourself.

These six monthes were difficult for him.

Yes, he was free. He could do whatever he wanted.

But he was lonely. He had nightmares. Breakdowns.

He started looking for you only to realize you were dead.

Finding Withers was his only hope.

And you are back. Back to him.

Astarion takes you away from Baldur's Gate to the places you've never been before.

Basically making you run faster than your darkness.

Together you learn how to enjoy things.

You basically ask each other "What can we do rn to make ourselves feel better?"

A swim in the lake? A bath in the inn? A new piece of garment? Just staying together in the tent?

You hold each other from slipping into the void.

Eventually, you are advised to start taking some medicine made by clerics.

You take it once a day and you feel better, almost the same way you felt with the tadpole.

You take the double shot because Astairon drinks your blood to get this medicine for himself.

You both don't feel yourself that miserable anymore. You both cry less.

You sleep better, Astarion doesn't have nightmares.

You are good. Both of you.

It doesn't mean the darkness won't come back - but you are both ready to meet it.

Tag list

@tugoslovenka @marcynomercy @wintersire @vixstarria @not-so-lost-after-all @ashiro20 @theearthsfinalconfession @herstxrgirl @starlight-ipomoea @micropoe10 @astarion-imagine-archive @veillsar @elora-the-slutty-songstress @fayeriess @lumienyx @tallymonster @caitlincat-95 @tragedybunny @valeprati @lynnlovesthestars @marina-and-the-memes @waking-electric @ayselluna @connorsui @asterordinary @darkarchangel96

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theauthorinaugust · 8 months

Text

Angst redacted headcannons.

TW; eating disorders, objectification, abuse, suicide attempts, body dysphoria, hallucinations, nightmares, and sexual assault. If you are sensitive to these subjects, please read something else.

More light hearted headcannons;

Random headcannons, redacted audio as things my friends have said.

Freelancer gets really bad anxiety when it comes to water. After what happened with Kody, they couldn’t bring themselves to shower for a few days- opting for perfume and cologne, instead.

After Tank got into the fight with the two vamps, they tried to call Milo. When he didn’t answer, they sort of gave up. They didn’t really care if they died or not.

Honey is absolutely terrified of Guy leaving them, but struggles to convey that. Or to convey any emotion, for that matter.

Lovely has hallucinations. More than once, Vincent has walked into the kitchen to see them talking to a wall, or to find them screaming in bed. It’s not something they can control, and it happened after Adam.

Because of the Lack of food in Angel’s home, they struggle to keep down a healthy amount. There have been times where they’ll throw up because their body isn’t used to eating a normal amount.

Sweetheart fears aging, more than that, they fear not having children or not living to the fullest. They haven’t told Milo, because he knows that’s not what he wants.

Angel is deeply self conscious about their body, opting to hide under baggy clothes instead of showing their actual frame. Their ribs are very prominent.

Freelancer doesn’t like to sleep alone. If Gavin is gone (for whatever reason) they’ll sleep over at Damien and Huxley’s place, and if they’re not available, they just.. don’t sleep.

Most days, Treasure feels more like an object than a person. Like they’re forced to be the ‘mom friend’.

When inversion happened, Angel screamed so hard and so loud they tore their vocal cords.

Tank avoids eye contact with all vamps, because Quinn used to trance them when they made eye contact. Forcing them to do things they didn’t want to.

Most of the ‘cool scars’ on Tank are self inflicted.

#redactedverse #redactedasmr #redacted audio #redacted headcanons #redacted asmr #redacted angel #redacted darlin #redacted freelancer #redacted lovely #redacted tank #redacted angst #tw!

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jiggy-manda · 7 months

Text

restriction

jennifer jareau x fem!reader

jj and her girlfriend have to meet her mother, the woman obsessed with numbers and weights and calories

tw: disordered eating

wc: 4.3k

JJ has never had a healthy relationship with food.

Growing up as an athlete, she was always expected to be in tip-top shape, and it didn’t help that her mother was naturally a size two– “Naturally,” as her mom put it.

But JJ knew better.

Maybe her mother wasn’t aware of her own eating patterns, but JJ definitely was. She’d grown up with it. The first time she’d ever had a regular soda was at ten, and her mother nearly had a heart attack when she saw the red can. Roslyn had to be the one to tell her that talking about calories and sugar content to a ten year old wasn’t going to do anything but weaken her relationship with food.

But Roslyn isn’t here anymore.

————

JJ has never been skinny enough.

Even as a varsity soccer player, her mother still found ways to dote on her appearance. Whether she noticed that JJ only ate on the days she had soccer games or not, she didn’t let on. Whether she noticed the shower running after dinner every night or not, she didn’t let on. Even at ten, when JJ was still playing on the smaller field, her mother found ways to correct her. Your stomach is showing through your shirt. Your calves are too fat for those socks. Keep this up and they’re gonna put you on goal.

Roslyn was the only one that understood. She took JJ to get ice cream after her games, even if she lost. She bought ice cream for JJ, and then took it home every single time after JJ started refusing it.

But Roslyn isn’t here anymore.

After Roslyn died, everything spiraled out of control.

Except for JJ’s diet.

Once Roslyn died, JJ started obsessively counting her calories. Her sister was gone, and she was left only with her parents. Her dad was absent most of the time, leaving her in the care of her mother.

Her mother stopped commenting on JJ’s weight and what she consumed.

Instead, these comments were then replaced with compliments.

“Jennifer, darling, your collarbones are absolutely stunning.”

“Jennifer, you’ve been looking amazing lately. I’m not sure what you’re doing, but whatever it is, it’s working.”

“Jennifer… Ros would be so proud of the woman you grew into.”

It made her sick.

Anytime anyone mentioned Ros— her Ros— she felt sick. They didn’t know her. Not like JJ, anyway. They didn’t cry with her at three in the morning; they weren’t there when she had panic attacks in the bathroom. Nobody was there for Roslyn when she was alive, and nobody was there for her when she just couldn’t take it anymore. Nobody but JJ.

Nobody else knew about Roslyn’s girlfriend. Nobody but JJ.

JJ’s mother was never there for Roslyn when she was alive, but she was there at the funeral, playing the grieving mother who was oh so sad and had done absolutely everything she possibly could to save her.

Bullshit.

JJ knew the truth. Her mother had just as much of a part in Roslyn’s suicide as everyone else, if not more. JJ found her mother’s grief almost laughable. She might as well have just done the job herself, with the way she treated Roslyn.

Over the years, JJ only kept in contact with Roslyn’s old girlfriend, Emily.

Roslyn had died when JJ was eleven. Now, almost 23, JJ is almost just as broken as she was more than a decade ago.

Almost.

————

JJ sat down on her bed as she quickly tapped her thumb and middle finger together, an anxious habit she’d picked up from Ros. Today was the anniversary of Ros’s death, and while she’d much rather spend it with her girlfriend, she knew her parents would never allow it.

A movement causing the weight of the bed to shift caught her attention, and she turned as you sat down next to her.

“You doing okay?”

JJ gave you a pointed look.

“Valid.”

You heard her sigh, and you took her hand into yours, tracing the patterns in her palm. “You’re so beautiful,” you whispered.

JJ smiled and covered your hand with hers, a silent sign of appreciation.

“When do we leave?” You asked her.

“Um,” JJ looked down at her phone for a moment. “We have about half an hour.”

“Okay,” you said with a smile. “And, um…” You trailed off, not quite sure how to segue the conversation into what you wanted to discuss.

“She’s not coming, is she?”

Your heart dropped when you saw the disappointment and sadness on her face. “No.”

JJ let out a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling, trying to control her breathing. “Okay. That’s okay,” she said, convincing no one.

You frowned. “JJ… you’re allowed to feel upset.” You put a hand on her shoulder. “Emily is the only current connection you have to her right now, besides your family. And… Emily is the only one who really knew you guys. Both of you. It makes sense that you’re upset, just… try not to blame her too much. It’s… a lot. This time of year. Mom and Dad worry about her, and I do too.”

Blue eyes met yours as JJ lifted her head up to pay more attention.

“She...” You hesitated, not wanting to approach unwarranted territory.

JJ heard the shift in your voice.

It wasn’t just any shift. It was a shift she knew perfectly– the shift of tone where she immediately knew that someone was about to bring up food in front of her.

“Y/N, it’s okay. Just say it,” she said with a sad smile.

“She doesn’t eat,” you said guiltily. “This time of year. Especially today. And I think… I think she’s scared that if she sees you today, she might spiral. And it’s not about you, or your eating habits,” you quickly corrected. “It’s about the situation as a whole, and I just don’t think she can mentally handle it. Not yet.”

You squeezed JJ’s hand, and she returned the gesture, giving you a smile.

“I get it. It’s just… I wish we saw each other more often. I know she’s busy, and I know I’m busy, but I just wish I didn’t have to invite her to the memorial of her dead girlfriend to get her attention.” JJ flinched at the bluntness in her own voice, still sensitive to her sister’s death.

You squeezed her hand again. “I know.” You swept some hair off her shoulder, leaning in to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Now,” you started, leaning back and situating yourself comfortably. “Your mother…”

JJ groaned and covered her face with her palms, falling backwards on the bed. “I hate her,” she mumbled.

Adjusting yourself to lean back, you crawled to cuddle into her side and gave a soft kiss to her neck. “I know.” Another kiss. “But we need to figure out a way for you to interact with her that’s not triggering to you.”

JJ looked at you as if you’d just suggested she swim across the pacific.

“Listen, your mom is an asshole who bullied you to the point of an eating disorder. She’s a piece of shit, but she’s your piece of shit, and until we can completely cut her off, we just have to do what we can. Bare minimum. We won’t even stay that long, okay? Two hours, tops.”

JJ gazed up at you, her sad doe eyes breaking your heart. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

She grinned as she sat up to hug you, grateful for the support. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“I love you,” you responded.

Her grip tightened.

————

JJ’s house was big. Not nearly as big as you and Emily’s, but big nonetheless. You’d only ever been there a few times– JJ wasn’t big on bringing people home, and since you both lived together, she didn’t really feel the need to bring you around often.

JJ’s parents didn’t know about you guys, but they didn’t not know. JJ never sat down and told them that she had a girlfriend; she sort of just started bringing you around everywhere and people made assumptions accordingly.

You held onto JJ’s hand as you walked through the hallway, passing the fireplace and living room. Her mother was standing near her father, likely having a silent argument solely through stares. Once JJ’s mother caught sight of the two of you, she immediately made her way over.

“Jennifer! You look amazing, dear.” She rested her hands onto JJ’s shoulder, allowing herself to take a longer look.

JJ’s skin prickled; she could feel the judgment coming off of her mother in heatwaves. She felt as her mother’s eyes traced over every line and curve in her body, and she felt sick at the thought of ever even having curves.

“You know, Jennifer, this dress is actually really beautiful. It hugs your body in just the right way– I can finally see your beautiful hips!”

You felt JJ get stiff next to you, and you gripped her hand just a bit harder, a silent reminder that you, too, heard what she just said. “Thanks, mom.”

The words tasted like bile in her mouth.

“You know, you’ve always been so skinny. And you have such a beautiful figure! I always wondered when you’d grow into it, but it seems like you’re finally filling in! Be careful though,” she added with a smirk, leaning in to wink at her daughter. “You don’t wanna look like all those girls with the fake butts and hips.”

You looked over at JJ, giving her a what the fuck? look. You knew her mom was borderline abusive– that much was true, but it seemed as if she was trying to purposely trigger her. Your mind was racing, and you couldn’t even imagine what was going through your girlfriend’s.

The entire event was extremely uncomfortable and heartbreaking, but thankfully JJ had other family members that wanted to catch up with her. You mostly sat back and listened, trying to digest everything while also keeping an eye on JJ.

The memorial itself went smoothly up until dinner.

You were sitting next to JJ as she ate her pasta when you heard her mom speak up. “Jennifer, are you really gonna eat all that? I mean, pasta, it just– the carbs and the calories.. You’ve been doing so well with watching your food around us. Do you really wanna…” She trailed off for a moment, breaking eye contact with her daughter before frowning. She looked as if she were about to say something more, but shook her head as she decided against it.

You looked over at JJ, and it was as if you could hear the gears turning in her head. She was angry, that much was obvious. But she was also smart, and she needed to play it accordingly. It didn’t stop the whole situation from breaking your heart, though. You could hear the gears turning in her head, but you could also see the tears forming in her eyes.

The blonde sighed, giving in and looking up at her mother. She took the bait. “What, mom?”

Mrs. Jareau guiltily looked at her daughter for a short moment before speaking. “Well, you have gained a little bit of weight recently.”

“What the fuck?”

All heads turned to you, eyes bulging out of their sockets, watching your response. Your eyes widened in fear as you realized what you’d just said in front of your girlfriend’s family. You looked over at JJ, and she had the same expression in her eyes.

JJ scooted her chair out and stood up. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

You quickly scrambled to your feet to follow your girlfriend down the hallway.

“Y/N, you don’t need to come with me,” she said as she walked.

“Yeah, like hell I’m letting you go into that bathroom alone.” A hand on her elbow stopped her in her tracks. “I know what you’re thinking. I know you, and I’m not gonna let it happen.”

JJ just glared at you.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You asked.

The older blonde let out a sigh before grabbing your hand and dragging you into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

She stared at you, willing you to speak. You knew it was common for your girlfriend to shut down during uncomfortable situations. She had trouble speaking, even simply forming words. It was even worse when it came to her eating disorder, because her emotions almost always took over her rational thoughts, preventing her from clearly articulating her feelings. All her energy went into controlling her emotions; there was none left to form words.

You decided to break the silence with something lighter, not wanting to bring up exactly what her mother had said just yet. “JJ, I’m really sorry for what I said. I usually have such a good filter; I don’t know what happened…”

JJ smiled slightly, rubbing a hand up and down your shoulder. “I know. Neither of us were expecting her to say it so explicitly like that; it took us both by surprise.”

JJ always knew how to make you feel better. She was perfect like that.

“But, um..” You danced around on your feet, feeling a bit uncomfortable and out of place, not quite sure on how to lead into your next question. “Are you okay? Because what she said— it’s not okay.”

JJ’s smile faltered. “I’m okay.”

You tilted your head, giving her a warning look. “Really, JJ? I’ve known you for years; you could at least try to make your lies believable.”

The tall blonde frowned and looked down. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” you interrupted her, willing her to meet your eyes. Her head lifted a bit, and you took your chance. “I’m not mad at you. You don’t have to apologize; you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Your eyes trailed across hers as you observed her expressions, admiring the beautiful features that adorned her face. “It’s not your fault.”

JJ’s eye twitched slightly, and your stomach clenched in pain.

“None of this was your fault. What happened to you, to…” You trailed off, not wanting to bring up her sister while she was crying over her mom. Your voice hardened as you locked eyes with her, hoping she wouldn’t look away. “It wasn’t your fault, JJ.”

JJ blinked, looking down as a tear escaped her eyes. “I know.”

Your heart clenched as you listened. That didn’t sound like JJ. Not the JJ you knew. JJ was strong-willed and opinionated; the voice you heard was small and broken.

“But it feels like it is.”

The upset in your stomach was soon replaced with anger, and all you could think about was a ten year old JJ confused as to why she could only have one piece of chocolate per week. Fury, hatred, and rage soon followed, and the feelings festered in your gut, bubbling up and fizzling out every few minutes.

You knew it was only a matter of time before your usually-perfect filter went out the window completely.

You knew it was bound to happen. You just didn’t know when.

“JJ, I need to be completely honest. If we go back out there, I don’t know how much patience I’ll have.” You looked at her cautiously, monitoring her expressions for anything that could give away what she was feeling.

She gave you a small smile and squeezed your hand. “I know. I could see it happening earlier. But Y/N/N, seriously, you’re doing an amazing job. You don’t give yourself enough credit. I know you lost your patience earlier, but that’s a rare occasion.” She squinted her eyes a bit, thinking about what to say. “And this is also a very specific situation, so really, I wouldn’t say your reaction was… unwarranted,” she added. “You’re just protective of me.” She smiled. “And that’s okay.”

You grinned back at her.

“Ready to go back?” You asked as you took her hand.

“Yup,” she sighed, moving away from the counter. “Might as well.”

————

You and JJ hadn’t missed much; it was mainly still just the same group of relatives conversing with each other. Her mother was there, as well, obnoxiously laughing at a joke that seemed way too funny to be told by her father.

The two of you walked over to the living room, taking a seat next to each other on one of the couches and making small talk with some of JJ’s aunts and uncles.

It was interesting to see JJ interact with her family; they were all really sweet, for the most part. It seemed as if her mother was the outlier of the bunch, which both angered and confused you at the same time. You knew people’s filters deteriorated over time as they grew old and cared less about how they were perceived, but it was as if JJ’s mother never had one to begin with.

You were shaken out of your thoughts by a tight grip on your wrist, immediately swiveling your head to see what had happened.

JJ’s face was sheet white as she stared at the woman in front of her; you hadn’t heard what her mother said, but judging by the expression on your girlfriend’s face, it couldn’t have been good. Not that anything her mother said was ever really great, anyways.

“JJ?” You looked at your girlfriend, willing her to reply, but she wouldn’t break her gaze; she stayed staring directly in front of her.

You picked up on her energy fairly quickly; you knew if she tried to move or change her expression she’d likely breakdown, and there was nothing she wanted less than to have her family see her cry.

You stood up quickly, taking hold of JJ’s hand as she turned her gaze towards the ground, likely trying to keep her tears in.

“Jennifer, don’t ignore me.”

Her mother’s voice was warning, as if JJ were a child giving her the silent treatment.

“I can’t do this,” JJ whispered, just loud enough for you to hear.

You squeezed her hand before speaking, turning your gaze to her mother. “We’re leaving,” you said with a tight smile.

Her mother scoffed, looking you up and down as if you were nothing– just one of her daughter’s playthings.

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

Your skin prickled with the insult, and your grip on JJ’s hand grew even tighter. She turned to her daughter once again, willing her to speak. “I asked you a question, Jennifer, and you should really look at your mother when she’s speaking to you.”

You had to fight the urge to scoff at her mother talking about herself in third person; how dramatic could someone be?

JJ’s mother changed her stance to a more relaxed position, tilting her head to the side as she examined her daughter.

“Jennifer, how much do you weigh?”

“What?” The question almost knocked you over, taking you completely off guard.

JJ stiffened next to you and stood up straight, no doubt trying to make herself look thinner in the eyes of her mother. Mrs. Jareau ignored you and continued staring at her daughter, acting as if you weren’t even there.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

That got her attention. She whipped her head around to you, giving you another once-over before clicking her tongue. “Jennifer, wi–”

“No, seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you so out of touch with reality that you can’t see how much of an asshole you’re being?”

JJ looked over at you with a warning glance, the only acknowledgement that she’d heard you during this entire conversation.

“You think that just because you have issues with food you can just force it on your daughter? She was a child. You didn’t even give her a chance,” you accused, feeling yourself get more and more worked up.

“Y/N,” JJ warned, her voice deep and gravelly, the voice she used when you were speaking out of turn or going out of line.

“Oh, please,” her mother replied. “She doesn’t have issues with food; she has issues with discipline and self control. You think she would look like that if she had ‘issues with food’? Plenty of women are able to control their cravings; I know I can.”

You shook your head in disbelief as she spoke, in utter shock of the cognitive dissonance the woman had.

“And if you’re gonna talk about issues with food, it certainly would not be my daughter. You wanna talk about choices? There are thousands of girls with food issues; my daughter is not one of them. Those girls never even had a chance, but Jennifer did. She chose to be selfish over being healthy; there’s nothing wrong with pointing it out.”

JJ’s grip on your hand wasn’t even tight anymore; it was loose, as if she had given up, as if it was taking a significant amount of energy to even hold on. You knew she was exhausted, and you knew this was only making it worse.

“Didn’t have a chance? Didn’t have a chance? What the hell would you call JJ’s experience then– a choice? You think she just chose to stop eating out of nowhere? Where the hell do you think she learned it from? It sure wasn’t her friends. Her whole life has been about you; you and your desire to have the perfect daughter. You did that.

So maybe those other girls— Maybe they didn’t have a chance. But your daughter did, and you took that away from her. So while you wallow in your own puddle of self pity, maybe you should reflect on why she started restricting in the first place.”

You took a deep breath, trying to control your thoughts and calm yourself down.

Next thing you knew, an iron hard grip on your wrist was dragging you out the door. “What the hell was that?” JJ’s voice was low and demanding.

You just stared at her as if she’d asked one of the most obvious questions in the world. “What was what? You saw the way she was acting.”

“She was acting like that the entire time, Y/N,” she warned. “I’ve told you multiple times how she is; you’ve met her before. We literally talked earlier today about what to possibly expect from her.”

“JJ, your mom–”

“Right— my mom. Not yours,” JJ interrupted, eyes narrow.

You felt a ball of anxiety in the pit of your stomach.

“I understand that you want to protect me, but this was not the time nor place. And quite frankly, it is not your place to speak on my ‘issues with food.’ You were out of line; you do not get to decide how or why I developed an eating disorder.”

Your heart dropped. She was right.

You bit your lip, looking down as tears formed in your eyes. You knew it wasn’t fair to cry, not right now, but it was becoming increasingly harder to control your emotions. You didn’t like upsetting JJ, and you knew speaking on her eating habits was out of line, especially because her mom had been doing it incessantly for years.

You coughed, trying to hide the hiccup that came with your tears. Clearing your throat, you spoke up. “You’re right. I’m sorry, JJ.”

You were still looking down, too ashamed to meet her eyes.

Next thing you knew, you were being pulled into her chest, engulfed in a hug as she held you close, swaying a bit as she tried to help you calm down. “I love you,” she whispered, keeping you attached to her. “I’m sorry for snapping.” Her voice was soft; it had returned to the usual loving tone she used with you.

You buried your face in her chest, gripping her jacket and holding her close.

“All you were doing was sticking up for me, I know. But baby, my mother is just… You can’t win with her. I know you wanted to help, but really, it wouldn’t have done anything.”

Your heart broke as she spoke those words, because you knew they were true.

“And Y/N, I really do appreciate it. I probably could’ve handled it better; I’m not used to people defending me like that, so it took me off guard.”

You were still wrapped up in her embrace, her hand on your head as she held you and continued to sway back and forth. “Also… I was absolutely terrified because I had no idea how my mom would respond. I’ve never said anything like that to her, so I couldn’t even imagine what would happen if someone she barely knew talked to her like that.”

You sniffled a bit, nodding your head as she explained herself. You pulled away, looking her in the eye for the first time since you’d left. “I really was just trying to help,” you said guiltily.

She gave you a sad smile. “I know, honey.”

You smiled back, reaching for her hand.

“I think it was a good idea we left our stuff in the car,” you said with a slight chuckle. She repeated the sound, taking your hand in hers. “There’s no way I’m going back in there.”

“Yeah, well don’t worry about that because I wouldn’t let you,” she joked, pulling on your hand as she began to walk to the car. “You and that mouth of yours.”

“Hey!” You protested, lightly hitting her on the arm. “I told you my filter could only last so long.”

She snorted, grinning as she walked around to the driver's side.

“You’re silly,” she said as you both took your seats.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” you replied. “You love me.”

She grinned at you as she started the ignition. “Yeah, I do.”

——

a/n: hii i hope you guys enjoyed this <3 i wrote this like a year ago but never moved it from ao3 to here.

#jennifer jareau x reader #jj x reader #criminal minds x reader #jennifer jareau fluff #jennifer jareau angst

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thelunarsystemwrites · 2 months

Text

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

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yinastra · 6 months

Text

✩ The Waves Overhead ✩

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ────── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅

Freminet x gn!reader

Summary: Freminet has had an imaginary friend since he was little.

A/N: Can be romantic or platonic.

CWs: Heavy angst

TW: Suicide, death, self harm, eating disorder, starvation, PTSD, delusions, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ────── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅

Freminet has always been a quiet boy. Met with conversation, he retreats back into his shell, locking his heart away.

He'd like to open up to people, to trust them, but how could he?

Instead, he enjoys sitting by Fontaine's 'sea' in their company.

They conversate for hours on end, the only divider being the setting sun and the dawn's light.

Even then, they are with him everywhere he goes.

In his dreams, in his heart, in his memories:

he wouldn't have it any other way, of course.

This person understands him so well- it could even be considered uncanny.

Nothing seemed real without them by his side.

Real?

They were real.

He'd take walks with them by the shoreline.

How strange was it that nothing was clear anymore?

When did all the shade blend together?

All the colors mushed into each other.

This was real.

This was reality.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ────── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅

Freminet has always had an imaginary friend.

Ever since he was little, there's always been someone by his side.

Someone he felt he could speak to freely, someone he depended on.

Someone who got him through the days.

Starving to the bone.

The days where his mother couldn't afford to buy them food, so she instead tucked him in extra tightly into the small, handmade quilt, telling him that the next day would have something to fill his empty stomach.

The days he'd cry in bed because his mother didn't come home that day. He was always so afraid for her, what if she never came back? What if the debt collectors─

There they were.

His light, his beacon of hope.

The person he'd talk to about all his problems, he'd even forget his hunger when he spoke to them.

The person who'd reassure him through everything. It wasn't all in his imagination, he swore!

They listened. They replied. They helped.

Freminet has always had an imaginary friend.

Everyone always thought it was delusion. It wasn't. He knew. How could he ever speak to another person?

Person.

They were a person.

He knew them.

They knew him.

He swore it.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ────── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅

The hunger ate away at him, even now.

He could eat whenever he wanted now, but he couldn't.

He couldn't bring himself to fill his stomach─ it made him feel sick.

The days where he couldn't eat anything, they had lasted for so long.

So, so long.

Food no longer looked appetizing. He could barely deign to put it into his mouth, the texture making him want to puke it all up.

He used to be so excited to eat food– to be able to eat food consecutively, days in a row. It used to be an occasion worthy of celebration. But now? Now he can't..

He can't stomach food. He can't eat it continuously.

He'll throw up any food he eats on the second day in a two day cycle.

That's how it became after–

What he saw?

No, no.

What he didn't see.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ────── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅

The waves swallowed him up.

Falling into the serene "sea", he found himself lost in his mind. His thoughts echoed off of the sides of his helmet.

The dark.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ────── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅

That bright, bright day. He had just fixed an old broken clock they had. His mother sold it, and they ate that day! Two days in a row, a true gem.

He walked to the house by the shore. The small shack looked desolate, the windows boarded.

His imaginary friend's home.

His imaginary friend.

He opens the door.

The small, tattered couch was in the corner, the small coffee table and lamp accompanying the atmosphere.

Dark.

Had they gotten some new type of decor? How interesting, he thought.

How interesting, that their friend's hair hung onto the motionless dummy's scalp.

How interesting, that their favorite shirt clung onto the dummy's body just like he remembered.

How interesting, that it had their eyes─ dull, of course.

Laughable. Hysterical. That wasn't his friend.

His friend's eyes were bright. As bright as the ocean underneath the sunlight, as the light reflected.

His light.

His hope.

This "decor" was much too cool to the touch.

Cold.

This was not them, it couldn't be.

It wasn't, he said.

It wasn't.

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ────── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅

The water's motions return him back from his memories.

The coolness of his surroundings chills him.

He makes his way back to the surface.

There was the house on the shore.

He swore it was a person. He swore they were real.

He drags his heavy feet to the entrance, turning the door knob.

The couch was there. It was real.

It was...

He sits down on it, a wave of familiarity rushing over him.

The coolness of the seat, the hard back.

The seat had to have been covered with dust with how grainy it felt. Even like..

dirt.

He lightly traced the carvings on the stone-hard, gray back.

Their name and a date engraved on the stone.

There was a tree outside of the window, he remembered it well.

He looks up, tracing the stars.

The stars looked different.

Blobs of faint light, burning out constantly.

Running his hand along the branch above that couch.

He'd sat by that couch for hours before.

That..

couch?

That was right.

That couch.

The distorted grey shape behind him.. the one he leaned on.

It was the couch.

Really.

It was.

The coarse rope beneath his fingertips give him a feeling of Déjà vu.

He'd just hang here for a while.. right?

Yeah. That's right. He'll stay here to watch the sea.

Next to them.

Where they'll meet again.

Under the waves overhead.

#freminet #freminet x reader #genshin impact #genshin angst #yinastra #freminet x you #freminet x gn! reader #gn reader #freminet angst

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