#venting bullshit

[pixelizedprince]

Really getting overwhelmed by mothersday feelings this year and it has me acting like a fucking idiot

I've been so head up my own ass about mothersday this year that I've been hermitting away the closer its gotten to the day, and I know thats stupid, and I know spending time with my friends is what I really really want but I cant physically get my body to move to do the thing. I want to focus on literally anything besides hyperfocusing on how badly I wish I had a fucking relationship with Her, just so fucking much has happened these past few years and I want to tell her all the amazing good things that have happened, and cry about the bad things that have hurt, and I really just wish that this fictional idea of what a relationship between mother and child is suppose to be would have ever been an option for me. But it never was, and I hurt because of it. No contact has been my choice and it's the best thing I can do for myself, but since Katie's dad passed, the weight of never telling her how I feel for at least closure weighs on my mind, and I don't want to reach out in forgiveness, and I don't want her to try to contact me ever, that's the fucking point, but I do wish with my whole heart that on days like this she thinks about why her fucking "perfect" child went cold turkey no contact. I hope she stays awake at night missing, I guess a memory of me that doesn't exist anymore. And i fucking hope it hurts a fraction of the way I do.

I tried begging her to get help, I tried begging her to seek real therapy and real mood stabilizers and talk about her eating disorders, and to really fucking reflect on her narcissistic and manipulative personality but you know its screaming at a wall. I means nothing to an institutionalized self medicating addict with 50+ years of undiagnosed mental illness and zero healthy trauma response

I always say I hope she has the best life she can and that I just dont want it to involve me, and I do I really fucking do, but I also hope there is a guilty sliver in her heart that pushes her to do better because of me. I hope that at least the gapping hole in my heart and life can at least be a blip on pain on her radar.

I miss her laugh. And it hurts so much.

[muggle-born-princess]

Reblog if you're LGBT and are against MAPS/Child Groomers

[sophia-131989]

I'm so jealous of people my age who are naturally skinny. Everyone I know is smaller than me and they can eat whatever they want and don't have to worn about gaining and they don't dislike their bodies. Meanwhile I gain 5 pounds after smelling chocolate.

[teaboot]

Kind of a random hill to die on rn but "You'd eat this thing you hate if you got hungry enough" does not set a reasonable expectation of what "hungry enough" means for people with food problems.

Like, are we talking "stomach grumbling" hungry enough, or "can't stand up" hungry enough? Cause personally, I can make myself eat a bit of a pork chop if I'm barfy and shaking and can't see straight anymore, but if it's down to "black out for three days and wake up angry and confused" or "willingly swallow prosciutto", I'm having sleep for dinner. And I know this from experience.

People without food problems don't seem to understand this and it drives me insane. "Hungry enough" is for shit like chewing drywall because the alternative is death or cannibalism.

If I say I can't eat something, It means I can't eat it. It Is Not Edible To Me. It's not even appetizing. It literally does not register as food. You might as well hand me a rubber duck.

And it's frustrating!! Trust me, I wish I wasn't like this, too!! This isn't a choice!! I know it can be rude!! It's embarassing!! It's complicated and annoying and irrational!! That doesn't fix the problem!!

I just wish people didn't treat this sort of thing as "being picky" or lacking willpower or basic manners or something. I can't make myself eat certain foods the way you probably couldn't cut your own fingers off. Does that make sense? It's not just food. Fuck

[dougielombax]

Being autistic and not knowing what to do in certain situations is already bad enough.

But it’s even worse when you try explaining and the other people freak out like a bunch of NPCs and say shit like “Why not? Are you stupid? Do you not know The Rules? Haven’t you followed The Tutorial?????!!!!!!” (Not literally but it has the same effect!)

(Oblivion NPC behaviour! Many such cases)

And if you say anything to indicate that this is not the case they freak out! Or they just ignore your ass. At the best of times!

Acting like they’re filing a glitch report with God and that we’re somehow malfunctioning!

It’s sickening and exhausting to see!

Sickeningly predictable too!

Now, my parents at least understand. As do my other relatives and some people I’ve worked with. (Others not so much)

As did some of my friends, but still.

[palesilene]

Nothing hurts like my friend saying “I don’t think that’ll fit me, it’s too big” to my clothes.

at least she gives me motivation ⭐️

[sk1nbtchbl00g]

people who were fat as kids either become a fat adult or an adult with an eating disorder fr

[boldandburnt]

being a junkorexic is so weird because yes I am terrified of gaining weight yes I still eat like shit

[kawareo]

Bhaalist Unholy Communion

This post has been living in my brain rent free and then it hit me in just the right headspace to turn into a vent thing and made me write poetry for the first time since eight grade anyway enjoy my ramblings under cut

because isn't it fucked up that Durge has no bodily autonomy? That he's nothing (using he/him because im looking at my Durge specifically) without Bhaal because not even his own body is his own but still a part of Bhaal?

And sure it is an honor to be Bhaal's Chosen, but is it really if you never got the chance to choose yourself? Strike, my Durge, was born a Bhaalspawn and grew up in the cult since he was eight. It's all he's ever known, he's worshiped for being a demi-god, he's powerful and on top, and in the end, literally everything he has is only because his Father lets him have it.

The Communion especially shows that, with Strike being still worshiped, but it hurts him, the Bhaalists rip his body apart, use it, consume it, and he needs to think of it as a blessing because how lucky is he, to be the soul that was loaned piece of a god to guard? He'd think of his own body like that.

And it hurts Bhaalists, too! It works both ways! His blood is poisonous and his flesh aches in their throats, but it's a blessing! God of Murder loves his son and his love hurts, and if you love him back, you must let yourself be hurt and know how lucky you are to be allowed to be hurt by Bhaal or his mortal flesh itself!

I'm just very into the whole 'no bodily autonomy' thing that we have going on with Durge, like his father not only can take control of his body via the Urge, but he has Sceleritas to guide him away from anything that could be not by Bhaal's books, Orin and Saverok to be a (although messed up as hell) family to him so he'll never look for another, and to some degree, Bhaal can control Durge's mind...

No wonder he'd run to Gortash in the end. The first one who sees more than a Bhaalspawn when he looks at Strike, more than Bhaal's scion, he sees a person and ngl it's totally Bhaal's fault that Strike ended up like that

[hwere]

I said it once, I’ll say it again: if Sydney was portrayed by a white actor/actress, the conversation around SydCarmy would be very, very different. They can use “lack of f/m friendship” as an excuse all they want, the evidence is there, and to me it has always been crystal clear: they don’t wanna see a dark skinned black woman being the love interest of the Hot White Boy of the Month.

It is all about race. After all, we live in a racist society.

[scoliwings]

"What if you were cured?"

This is a question I get a lot, usually after sharing that I am deaf and I do not speak English. Deaf people get this in general. We've likely been asked this thousands of times in our lifetimes.

Most people treat it as a casual, sometimes playful question. Like it's something that would have a "why, yes, I'd love to be hearing!" answer. As if it's obvious that everyone who's ever deaf or disabled should simply choose to be abled. As if it's even remotely easy to get that kind of treatment, to simply learn a language you've never even heard, to simply have your ears altered to take on a small, artificial fraction of the full range of hearing people have.

I've been asked that question so much that it all sounds like "Why don't you just die?" to me.

I'm used to shrugging it off and I constantly educate people about deaf culture and accessibility and why these kinds of questions are wrong. Now, I'm surrounded by people who defend me if this is asked. It's a nice balm to the decades of isolation and pain I've been through, particularly when I rarely find any deaf people online or in person.

[bad-at-being-ana]

going to a friends bday party tmrw.

i will eat the least out of everyone there

i will only drink diet sodas or water

i will not finish any plates

i will be the skinniest person there

[miksmind]

It’s a constant battle between getting better and getting worse

[elaichitea24]

restriction is so boring. like, all you do is think abt food and not eat it.

[pinkrainmonster]

[sk1nbtchbl00g]

☆ing is bad but intermittent fasting is good?

bruh do you think your body knows why youre not eating LMAO