#was focusing in where our interests differed. and genuinely i think it was a turning point for talking to them feeling like a chore and

[leonhardt-simp]

The Girl Who Wrote Me Letters VI.

[post-canon/canonverse] | series masterlist

— Annie x Mute! Fem! Reader.

summary: The ungrounded mystery grows restless and tensions grow higher with every passing moment.

Author’s note: After 9 different drafts, I have this one lmao. Thank you for everyone sticking close to the story and those who have been anticipating chapter 6. Here it is! and I hope you enjoy. 🍧💕

“This one.” The Commander said pointing down at the files on his old desk, the decision creating quite a stir between Hange and Levi.

Hange looked at Levi before they approached Erwin’s desk, picking up the document to see what was beneath. They felt their breath catch in their throat, eyes widening before taking a look over to their commander.

“You— You can’t be serious…” Hange was almost speechless. After everything that’s transpired, this man was still marching on his feet.

Levi walked over, questioning the judgement… Until he saw the name on the planner documents…

“Field Medics…?” He took the paper, looking through them to see Erwin’s plans of incorporating medics beside the scouts. These plans seemed vague, but the idea was there in the form of messily drawn pictures and arrows. He wasn’t expecting this and neither was Hange.

“With all due respect, we can’t afford to pull medics out on the field… Do you really think we’ll even get our hands on even ONE?” Hange expressed, motioning with their hands while they spoke. The idea was completely ridiculous! They were practically the clean up crew. Just waiting for the dead to pile up.

Erwin knew their concerns… But, it wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it before. He turned his back to look out the window, holding the spot where his arm used to be…. The painful reminder of time loss because of injury. Time that could’ve been spent focusing on many other things… Those days, hours and seconds.

“No…But, I know one person that they’ll likely let go.” He turned his head over his shoulder to look at Levi, who slowly went through the next page.

It was a list of names. Names of many of the more proud names within the Medical Regiment. So many good choices, but one was circled amongst these names.

ELINOR VIVIANNE. ← SECONDARY PICK.

LUTHER WAGNER. ← THIRD PICK.

Y/N L/N. ← PRIORITY PICK.

DENIS PENCE. ← KEEP AN EYE ON THIS ONE.

JOHNATHAN ADLER. ← FOURTH PICK.

Hange’s expression grew confused, “But, this one–”

“I know. However, I want this one as a mere test run.” Erwin clarified, showing that nothing was concrete yet. This was just the foundation.

Levi couldn’t seem to get behind it. The factors of this made for a dangerous situation, especially with the rumors. “…I don’t think this is a good idea.” He expressed, his eyes looking up from the papers.

Erwin found himself playing with a fountain pen he had on his desk. “We had them for the expedition. This will be no different.” He reassured, giving a head nod. He seemed to be convincing himself as he spoke along.

“We also lost Levi’s entire squad and then some. Do I need to remind you that this medic in particular is also suspected of being in contact with the titan girl that tried to run away and destroyed half of Stohess?” Hange’s voice slightly raised, a hand extended towards the door as if pointing at Stohess itself. The risks were way too high, but that never stopped Erwin.

Erwin stood up a little straighter, “Then it’s the perfect excuse to use to keep that one close… Isn’t it?” He looked between his two most trusted allies. His hand reached to the paper, pointing down to the name. Hange didn’t know what to say… and Levi? He just followed along. The idea of a on field medic fulltime was an idealistic idea… One that made any one more comfortable… That security.

But, he was not prepared of the other regiment names that would soon come in to deny the idea. They took to a vote; Pixis denied the possibility of wasting medics and soon after, Nile had also denied. His denial was more out of lack of interest than genuine concern…

Not even Zachary approved of the new idea, stating that it would be “Unwise to take away from the sub-regiment when it already lacked.”

In defeat, Erwin would place those plans in a drawer his desk. Letting that ideas seem to sink away with many of the others he had. He had to keep moving forward though, no time to waste. That was until death stopped him like a brick wall. So close, yet so far from the truth…

Y/N followed behind Levi, her eyes scanning around to hallways of the commander’s building. The wood creaked beneath their weight, making the building feel so… Hollow. That was expected though, wasn’t it? An important life was lost… One that used to fill this building.

“Y/N L/N…?” Hange questioned, seeing the young girl enter the room.

Y/N saw papers scattered around the old commander’s desk, a lot of red seemed to point to various things and occasionally the big letters. Her nervousness seemed to only grow from that. I mean, it’s not everyday you get pulled from your job.

With a cautious nod, Y/N stood across the desk, keeping her weight shifted off of her still recovering leg. The pain was dull, but she knew she couldn’t overwork it.

Levi reached over for a particular paper, sliding it in front of the nurse. She leaned down, looking over the paper with a watchful eye. The words were confusing, but when she noticed her name in bold letters… She shockingly backed up and looked at Hange and Levi with a look that asked them what they were planning.

“…A test run. And not one you can refuse either.” Hange explained, picking up another paper to slide over to the new field medic.

Y/N took a sneaking glance back, seeing Levi standing by the door. His eyes bore into her, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.

There was that feeling again. That helplessness… Her eyes shifted back up to Hange who seemed to have the same look on their face. She really didn’t have much of a choice here… So, she just nodded. Hange nodded, looking over at Levi to see if he was satisfied. He just nodded his head, being the first to leave.

The weight was on her shoulders now after seeing this idea that was left behind by the old commander…

She couldn’t help but look down at her leg, shifting a bit to see if weight could be applied, but when she felt the buckle of her knee, she shook her head.

‘…I can do this…’ She thought to herself. It’s not like she had a choice here. It was either this or end up in a some fucked up situation… She had enough on her plate already. E/C eyes skimmed through the basics, finally landing on the name of the idea.

“Operation Support.” Her eyes seemed to read over and over again…

——

There was that helplessness again… That weak feeling that bubbled beneath her gut and overwhelmed her straight to the core. She even felt that pain in her leg again… Like every feeling and memory came flooding through from the back of her head…

Her eyes widened upon hearing that familiar voice call out her name… But, she didn’t see Annie… Just the monster that had ruined her…. That beast that haunted her night in her dreams from time to time. Some nights, it would stare down at her. Other nights it tried to grab her, pick her up in its muscly hand.

“Y/N…” Annie called out, her tone hushed and desperate. Hands stayed up in surrender, taking a cautious step forward but immediately stopped when Y/N’s hand adjusted around the grip of the gun. E/C eyes looked through those apathetic blue eyes, The ones that softened at the idea of this being it.

This was her chance… To settle their score. To make up for everything. This was her chance. This was her chance.

Her hand firmly grasped the gun, pointing it up higher towards Annie’s head. Her heart pounded in her ears accompanied with ringing and buzzing… Her breathing became shallow and uneven… Then she felt it.

Her vision grew blurry, her hand reaching up to touch the wetness that started to form there. She was starting to cry… Her throat had that familiar lump in it, making it hard to keep composure.

‘No… Stop…’ Her heart started to yell, but she tried to push the feelings down. Her hand wiped them away, not wanting to show this…This weakness. She wasn’t that pathetic girl writing in a book anymore. Those days were gone.

Annie felt her heart break at the sight. Her hand reaching out, but that made Y/N point her gun more firmly at the ambassador. This made her hands shoot back up to keep them visible. Annie knew that she had to work for Y/N’s trust again. It wouldn’t come easy. Not after what she did.

Annie closed her eyes tightly and braced for whatever was to come. She deserved it, didn’t she? She was the cause of all the troubles in Y/N’s life… The reason she ran away… Hell, she was waiting for her luck to burn out. And now? It seemed to be it.

This was her chance to get back for all the hurt and suffering. her breathing became uneven and her heart pounded in her ears. The white noise. It felt like she was drowning. Y/N couldn’t deny she was panicking…

But then Dakota’s voice pulled Y/N out, the writhing body on the floor let the tunnel vision clear up a bit. Her eyes looked down to the body on the ground.

“We’re… We’re here to help…” Dakota strained, holding her head in her hands from the throbbing pain that lingered. Kota couldn’t let Y/N kill Annie, not when they needed her for this whole thing… The main problem. “She’s…She’s with me… Marley’s Ambassador…” Kota stressed, seeing double when they tried to push themselves up. Hell, it felt like a brick just slammed into their head. What the hell were they feeding these doctors??

Her grip around the gun shook further, her heart telling her to stop while her brain told her it was for the best. Reluctantly, she forced her hand down and took in the sight of the newly made ambassador.

���Y/N—” Annie spoke with a calming reach out, but then they heard the sound of more people coming into the building and speaking.

BAM!

The noise made both Annie and Kota look over towards the door. Dakota was quick on the draw of her own firearm, eyebrows furrowing down.

Whoever wanted Y/N dead was very adamant on it. Especially, since it didn’t sound like just one persom this time. That alone pissed Y/N off.

The doctor had to fight with herself to keep from giving that ambassador a feel of her pent of frustration and anger… But, now wasn’t the time. All she did was give Annie a glare while she helped the bandit up from the floor, Kota taking it without much of a second thought and standing to her feet with a bit of wobble.

The glare was met with Annie’s softened expression, taking a moment to watch as the woman she once had so close to her, farther than ever before. The limp-walk past her made the weight of her actions heavier than ever. The sound of leather and metals kept Y/N’s right leg stable, helping her move properly with some minimal strain.

“She might develop a little limp… If you can convince her to stay in bed for her full recovery then maybe she might recover better... She’s always so eager to help out.”

Her hands clenched at her sides, as the memory of a bedridden Y/N laid in the infirmary bed. The way her face glistened in sweat and her head threw back in pain…. She couldn’t convince her… Not when she was trapped in that crystal…

She didn’t even notice the other two already rushing the window, Kota pulling up the window and checking below into the alleyway for any signs of a threat. It was empty. Nothing but a few stacked up crates and barrels below.

“Good enough.” The gang leader debated, shaking her head at the thought of Y/N potential falling a few feet down. Hell, they were sure she would land well… She guessed.

Annie’s mind was still dazed out. It felt like they stood on completely opposite sides of a canyon. The bridge being deliberately burned away, Y/N holding the matches that burnt the ropes thinner and thinner.

“Annie! Help her down.” Kota called, holding open the window. That snapped Annie back into the moment, her eyebrows furrowing down. She can pity herself later… Hopefully.

Without any time to waste, Annie rushed over to Y/N’s side. “Pardon my hands…” Annie softly spoke, keeping her hand on Y/N’s waist while she focused on ensuring she didn’t fall or trip. Y/N wasn’t used to the closeness, but she knew she couldn’t be annoyed about it.

“We know you’re here, Doc Let’s not make this harder than it has to be, hm?” One of the intruders spoke, a few laughing along. The sound of wood creaking beneath every step that drew closer and closer to the office.

The rugged man looked back at his men, placing a finger to his lips. He gave three fingers, signaling that on the count of three they would rush the office and take whoever was in it.

Slowly, the fingers counted down, the tensions growing higher before finally they rushed inside. Guns pointed up, sweeping before noticing that the room was empty. Nothing but a few disarrayed item and one of their own on the floor.

“Sir?” One of the goons spoke, rushing to the side of the corpse on the floor. Another goon joined beside the other, placing a hand to the fallen member’s pulse, shaking their head when all they felt was a cold vessel.

The man grimaced, putting his gun back in his belt. “I want this entire building checked. Nothing remains unturned or touched. You hear!?” He commanded, unaware of the shadows outside the windows that were already pushing through the alleyways to blend in.

“Whoever you pissed off, did not let it go.” Dakota muttered as they pushed through a wooden gate, leading them out into some cobbled street that had a few drunks walking up and down it.

Y/N just rolled eyes, taking a moment to ditch her uniform coat in a nearby bucket that seemed to be filled with a questionable liquid. Her face grimaced in disgust, turning back to catch up. She won’t be seeing that particular coat again. Unfortunate…

Annie stayed behind, keeping a look out to ensure no one followed them. “That didn’t seem like a matter of anger… More like a…” She seemed to trail off, turning her attention back to see Y/N looking back at her with a frustrated expression. “…Like a job.” She silently spoke, watching the doctor turn her head back forward.

The tension between the two even made Dakota uncomfortable. That was between them though, this bandit knew better than to try and step into a fight between a couple. Were they a couple…? Was that how it worked? She wasn’t sure.

“I wouldn’t be surprised.” Dakota rubbed the side of their head. They could still feel that sting, more dull but it was still there. “Doesn’t make sense for them to target a random doctor, though.” They added, taking a stop by some old building pub.

Dakota leaned against the brick, enjoying a moment of rest. Annie needed it too as she felt her wound from a few hours ago to feel achy and fatigue was surely pushing her.

She took a look upwards, only seeing the dark sight of the ground that lingered above… The underground didn’t have a sky… What time was it? Even she wasn’t sure… But, it felt like the days seemed to prolong. If she had to trust her gut, then she was sure that Pieck and Reiner were likely resting.

With that thought in mind, she took a moment to take a seat down on a bench placed against the brick like building, her hand rubbing at her shoulder. She even took a sneaking glance over at her old lover, watching as the young woman took slight offense to the comment. Y/N’s stance seemed to straighten up, her expression one that Annie knew all too well.

That look when she wanted to prove herself. She had it back in Trost… She had it here too.

‘I’m not a random doctor.’ Y/N signed, the look of surprise hitting the bandit and the ambassador. The blonde looked at Y/N with her eyebrows slightly raised in surprise, not expecting the change of communication. Though, that would make the most sense why she didn’t carry an old book around and a pen, wouldn’t it?…

Dakota knew there was something about how Y/N stood, her demeanor… It wasn’t like the other doctors she had been speaking to. Not Vivianne. Not even Adler..

Pushing themselves off the wall, Dakota approached Y/N, stopping just in front of her and looking down at her with an overbearing demeanor. “…Then who are you?” Dakota finally asked. There it was, the golden question. Everyone knew her as Y/N L/N above ground… But, who was this persona? This mask? Dakota was careful in approaching the mute doctors. One couldn’t be too hasty to learn the truth.

The bandit seemed to want the same answers as Annie, but even then the ambassador seemed to want to respect the boundaries her old lover clearly had. She still kept a close eye.

The doctor stood there, clenching her jaw a bit from the sudden interrogation. It even had her thinking to herself, wondering who exactly she was… But, she knew… She was a lot of things… Became a lot from nothing too.

So, seeing a smug bandit try to slightly intimidate her into spilling her life out on a map irked her a bit. It showed on her face too. Her tongue licking the inside of her cheek, she looked away briefly before she looking back up at the tall woman with more than just a little amusement. A woman who knew her position, she was. Perhaps, she picked up a few things from Dr. Vivianne.

‘The same person who slipped you a crate. Same person you want to stay on good terms with.’ She signed, her eyes challenging.

The action made Annie raise her brows, looking over to Dakota. The crate.. Then those names flashed into her mind for a few seconds. Denis and Luther…. They were all connected. The bandit seemed to suddenly have a moment of realization as well, her face contorted with a bit of confusion from that end statement though.

“…Is that a threat?” Fabel flabbergasted at the mere thought of some medic threatening to fuck off in the middle of something so important. They took a threatening step forward, feeling almost offended.

Hands started to make the argument more clear, her body turning to the two. ‘Take it how you wish. Just know you need me since I’m the only one willing to break the rules to help you.’ She reaches into her vest pocket, pulling out a letter. Her eyes stared at it before flicking her wrist to toss the letter over.

Annie watched as the letter descended gracefully down to the ground, her curiosity getting the better of her. “…What?” Annie questioned, standing up from the bench and walking over to pick up the paper from the ground. Her eyes looked up to meet her old lover’s E/C gaze, her hands gently unfolding the letter.

‘With much consideration, Main Medical has decided to postpone the distribution and cooperation with other outside parties. All medics and medical researchers are advised to stay in their offices or main buildings until further notice.

— Signed, Elinor Vivianne. Head of MM.’

Y/N shook her head, her eyes averting away at the mere thought of even getting her position revoked. ‘Everyone is completely at a standstill… Dr. Vivianne is more concerned with how much we’ve been losing because of these crates being either stolen or damaged. Every doctor, besides a few, are completely in agreement with Dr. Vivianne. They want out. This attack on my building will only solidify their stance on the matter.’ Her gestures seemed to be punctuated, her mouth moving along to mouth certain words and phrases. The doctor even started to pace a bit, needing to get some pent up feels at bay. She wasn’t happy about the decision either.

Dakota couldn’t believe that bullshit. Face contorted into frustration, feeling a bit betrayed. Hazel eyes took a look over the letter again, shaking her head in slight denial.

What ever happened to being the ones to show up for people? The heros that kept morale up? What the hell were doctors if they weren’t doing their job?

“Vivianne… That son of a bitch.” Dakota cursed under their breath, hands clenched at her side while she looked away.

Annie wasn’t sure what to make of this… “…She’s right about one thing,” Annie spoke, folding the notice back up before holding it out back at Y/N. “Those men don’t seem to be very fazed with the idea of taking lives. That crate you sent us was attacked… I… Uh.. We barely made it out. It was as if they already knew.” She watched as Y/N hesitated to reach out and take the letter back from her.

Fabel nodded, pacing a bit with a hand to their mouth as they tried to make sense of all this. “Annie here got shot… Those men aren’t afraid of any kind of consequence. Seems like everywhere we go, they’re always one step ahead.” The gang leader found themselves running a frustrated hand through their hair, stopping to look back over at the Medic.

Y/N felt her throat close up at the idea of Annie getting shot, her eyes shifting back up to meet with Annie’s gaze. Annie wasn’t sure what she saw in those familiar E/C colored eyes. It was softer than anything she’s seen all day though...

“I’ll be fine… Just a scratch…” She tried to play it off, getting a more concerned and less angry look from the other girl.

Y/N didn’t find it funny. If anything, that would make everything so much more complicated. Hell, she didn’t even know where to start… She carefully took her letter back from Annie’s fingers, pushing the paper into her vest pocket once more with a heavy exhale.

‘If they’re not afraid of consequences, then that means they’re either safe in what those consequences are… or, these people are more ruthless than I thought…’ Y/N explains with punctuated gestures. Hazel and blue eyes watched carefully as the doctor seemed a bit… Hesitant.

Dakota crossed their arms over their chest, “You have any idea what gang this is?” The gang leader asked.

Y/N shook her head, ‘Only lead I have so far is that they’re uniformed in black and red.’ Her head turned back in the direction of her medical building. She felt a little run from her own home… That was the building she used whenever she wanted to have control. She knew it would probably be burned to the ground when she came back.

“I don’t think standing around is be the best idea. More of them could be patrolling around.” Annie spoke up, standing up from the bench with a bit of a tired exhale. She cracked her neck, rolling her shoulders back as if it would relieve her.

Dakota nodded, “You’re right. Hopefully, this all starts to make sense when we’re actually in the safety of a room and not the street.” The bandit sighed, reaching for her gun and handing it over to Annie. “Try not to get this one shot out of your hand, yeah?” The gang leader teased, watching Annie flush a bit with embarrassment as she accepted it.

‘Let’s take a carriage or a wagon… I need a place to lay low… I can’t just go back to the MM if my trail is still hot.” The mute doctor gestured, fixing her leg brace a bit. The damn thing always needed to be adjusted, working and walking so much always didn’t help.

Annie waited while Dakota whistled up for a wagon, watching some old man ride up to side of the street.

“Do you need help?” Annie finally asked, getting waved off by the mute doctor. There was no direct rejection, just a wave of the hand while she approached the wagon.

“Take us Northwest. I’ll stop you when we get there.” Dakota asked as she jumped into the back, holding her hand out for Y/N to grab. Y/N took it without much of a complaint, allowing herself to be helped into their ride.

The coachman nodded, “Will do.”

Dakota got seated besides some sacks of imported goods, knee bent with an arm on it. “We’ll stop by my Uncle’s… I’m sure he’ll be glad to take up some company…” She explained, running a hand through her hair.

Y/N nodded, finding a comfortable spot near a barrel of what she believed was probably wine. At least she hoped so, a drink right about now sounded nice.

“Northwest is near the entrance to the city, isn’t it?” Annie asked, holding onto the strap of her satchel before finally getting settled up into the back of the wagon with the others. So much has changed since then… But, she couldn’t complain. She didn’t really have the right to.

‘And Main Medical. It’s some ways from it… Smack in the middle of this city… We actually cleared out one of the old brothel buildings for it… A big one. When we’re rested and ready, we can head there… Get us all on the same page with Dr. Vivianne and Dr. Adler.’ Y/N signed, her head leaned against the barrel beside her.

Dakota motioned with their hand, agreeing along with what the doctor said. “A meeting was long overdue…. She’s always avoided speaking with me directly. Dr. Adler and I are practically best buddies with how often I’ve seen him.” There was a spoken sarcasm that made Y/N shake her head, understanding what Dakota meant perfectly. Vivianne was practically a book of tasks. Always sending others to do the things she didn’t want to… Perfect example was this… Though it was deliberate, Y/N didn’t mind getting her hands dirty if it meant doing the right thing. Vivianne’s word wouldn’t stop her.

Annie hummed, taking a sneaking glance over to Y/N, who seemed to want to rest a bit on the ride to Dakota’s Uncle’s house. She didn’t want to stare, but it was strange…Seeing her again after such a long time… She looked good. Annie still liked how she styled her hair… How her E/C closed to just… Rest and breathe for a moment. Of course, she was pulled out of her moment when she saw Dakota smirking at her. That knowing glance the bandit made her way ruined it.

It made her embarrassed, making her turn her head away with her cheeks growing red flush..

With a snap of the reigns, they were on their way. Thankfully the cover of the wagon would provide them some relief from anyone who could see them pass by.

——

Adler bursted through the door, panting and pointing behind him. He was so out of breath from running everywhere, still empty handed though.

Dr. Vivianne placed her clipboard down and just waited for the theatric display to end, leaning a hand against her desk while the other rested on her hip.

“Eastern Building…. It… Phew…” He started his sentence, leant forward with his hands on his knees. He couldn’t even hold enough air in to make a cohesive sentence.

Of course, this just annoyed Vivianne. “Spit it out.” She urged, tone stern and punctual with it.

“Eastern building got raided.” Adler finally spit it out, holding a hand to his chest. The news made Vivianne’s eyes widen a bit, her expression growing a little confused.

“Raided? What do you mean "raided?” The ash haired doctor questioned, her head tilted forward as if demanding some kind of explanation.

The blonde doctor just shook his head, standing up a bit straighter. “I was doing what you said… Trying to find Y/N… So, I went to her building…But then, I noticed a whole bunch of men rush the building… I booked it out of there….” Adler explained, pacing a bit while he spoke. His conscience felt guilty. He ran off like a coward and probably let these… Rats kill one of their own.

Vivianne seemed lost for words. Her eyes looked away as she processed the news, feeling a sinking feeling in her gut at the thought of one of the original three being gone to something so…. so preventable. Her brain wanted to think logically about this, but her heart didn’t seem to agree.

“…Do you know for sure that Dr. Quil was in that building?” Vivianne questioned in a monotone voice, her head tilting slightly.

Adler couldn’t say for sure. “…I… I would like to hope not… But, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re starting to hurt the supply at the source.” He said his thoughts, his shoulders slumping slightly as he stood. His eyes grew worrisome. The idea of anyone becoming a target… He avoided the war for that reason… He didn’t want to be a target.

Vivianne felt bitter, her eyes closing for a moment. “…Start telling the staff to start closing everything up.” She says, standing up straighter. “Tell them that it’s urgent as well. I don’t want a single doctor left behind.” Her hand pulled a document from her desk, pushing it into one of the drawers with a slight of hand.

Adler looked at Vivianne with a confused expression, his eyebrows knitting together. “…What about the crates?… Surely, we can’t just… Leave them?” He asked, curious if they were going to just leave them there.

Vivianne nodded, “Don’t worry about that. Until we get definite confirmation that Dr. Quil is dead. We will proceed with clean-up here. Priority documents come first. Crates can collect dust for all I care. They’re not worth the sacrifice of the other good doctors here.” Her way of explaining the situation made Adler feel a little more at ease. He nodded his head in agreement. The earlier they got out, the better.

“Now leave me be… I need… Uh…” Vivianne looked around a bit lost, her eyes looking down at her desk. “I need to be alone for a little while…” She took a seat in her chair, her elbows resting on the surface of her cluttered desk and her hands clasping together as if in prayer. Her heart felt heavy. It felt like everything was going downhill from here.

Dr. Adler nodded his head, immediately leaving to go start the prep up for evac. There was a lot of equipment to be packed away. Transportation was also going to be a little tight, but as long as people were able to leave then it didn’t matter.

Vivianne stared at the door of her office, her eyes closing tightly as flashbacks to when she first met Y/N had suddenly triggered.

——

“Luther, Denis, Vivianne, and Adler. You’re being requested over to The Scouts Main Quarters. Please go ASAP.” The head medic spoke, flipping through a wooden clipboard as he stood at the doorway.

Vivianne pulled her mask down and looked over, her expression growing confused. “Wh-What do they need us for…?” She questioned, taking off her blood soaked gloves.

The man looked up at Vivianne, shaking his head in disapproval. “Does it matter? If I say to go, you go.” He spoke firmly, making the girl slightly purse her lips together as if to hold back on being disrespectful.

She only nodded, looking back down at the soldier that was missing an arm from an expedition… Survived, but now retired… It was unfortunate. “Rest easy…” She softly spoke, patting his shoulder before she turned and left the room.

In the hallway, Luther and Denis seemed to be messing around a bit, pushing and shoving each other. Adler stood with his hand adjusting his glasses, keeping a cocky explanation on his face as they waited for Vivianne.

“You coming, slowpoke? We’re waiting on you.” Denis said, wrapping an arm around Luther’s shoulder.

Adler scoffed, “At least try to act professional, Denis…” The blonde man spoke, his expression showing his disdain for how casual the two were being.

Luther rolled his eyes, “You act like we’re seeing the Queen. Get your breeches untangled and let loose, will ya? I swear, all I ever hear you do is complain.” The taller man spoke, Denis laughing a bit from his friend’s observation.

Adler just gritted his teeth, shaking his head. He adjusted his glasses once more, “You ready?” Adler asked Vivianne, wanting this done and over with as soon as possible.

Vivianne gave a quick nod, catching up with the three.

She remembered the debriefings they were subjected to with Commander Hange. The eccentric way the commander handled themselves made Luther and Denis more excited for this sudden call.

But, Vivianne was very… suspicious. Becoming a field medic sounded crazy… All this confidentiality also rubbed her wrong. What the hell were they hiding?

“Given the circumstances, I will give you the opportunity to back out… However, you 4 were hand picked because of your overall evaluations back when you were in training as well as your medical expertise. This is for progress… A trial we conducted a few time before. It will be the first on field medical team.” Hange explained with a more serious tone, pushing a paper towards the four medics.

Luther was the first to raise his hand, “Is it just us…? Or will there be more?” He asked, making Vivianne give him a side-eye.

Hange paced a bit, nodding their head. “I will only say that you have a captain.” They stopped, motioning towards the door. “Unlike you all, she didn’t necessarily have a choice in the matter whether she joined or not.”

Adler shook his head, standing up. “I rather value my life. I would find it a waste to leave it in the hands of some… Scout. Thank you for the offer though. Hopefully, you can find some other fool to take my place.” His reluctance made Vivianne want to leave as well, finding the idea of fighting alongside The Scouts to be so foolish. A death sentence handed down on a gruesome platter, that’s basically what it was.

As Adler left, Vivianne debated with herself. She too could live a comfortable life.. A life with no worries besides the worries that came in through doors in the arms of fellow comrades…

“Damn… I really thought I sold the idea. Anyone else?” Hange sighed, pushing up their goggles to rub their eyes. Handa landed on their hips, looking amongst the younger men and at Vivianne.

The room stayed quiet, Luther soon reaching to the table to grab the paper of the plans. Vivianne watched him debate it, soon just nodding. “Fuck it… I’m in.” He stood up, tossing the paper back onto the table. Vivianne just watched as Denis followed through too.

“Me too. I’ll join too!” Denis said with a confident fist to his chest. His lips held a self-assured smile too, pushing Luther with his arm, who then pushed him back.

‘What the…’ She thought they were crazy. Why the hell would they want to go beyond the walls? The safety was all here. They had the easy part of just sitting and waiting, cleaning and tending…. But, she hadn’t denied the offer yet… So, was she crazy too? Was it some weird curiosity?

Her eyes then met up with the commander’s, “What about you?” Hange asked, holding out a hand to her. Vivianne wasn’t sure what she was doing, but she grabbed that hand, sealing the deal of her participation.

She remembered how the team was escorted throughout the barrack building. Faces that were familiar passed by, making Vivianne stare more with interest. She didn’t expect them to be so close to such big names… Hell, she even thinks she saw Mikasa there.

“Holy hell, that’s literally Levi.” Denis grabbed Luther’s arm, shaking him slightly. As they approached the closed door that Levi seemed to guard, his back leaned against the wall.

“Is this them?” Levi asked, Hange nodding their head. “One didn’t take the offer, but we’ll still have 4.” Hange answered, adjusting their uniform coat. “Baby steps as they say.” Adding to the conversation, they looked back at the squad behind.

Vivianne saw how Hange placed a stack of papers in Levi’s hand. “Perfect.” He said, looking through them briefly before he finally opened the door.

Vivianne looked around, taking in the sight of the lab that seemed to have been built there. A lot of beakers… A lot of scrap metal too… It felt like they just walked into a madman’s science experiment.

But, it was a lot crazier than that.

The figure at the desk lifted their head up and turned to look over their shoulder, soon meeting eyes with her. And suddenly, she felt breathless.

Hange ensured the door was closed behind them, taking the initiative to walk over to the desk.

“Your captain for this operation is Y/N L/N.” Levi spoke, his hands at his sides. He kept it short and blunt, there wasn’t a need for everyone to be getting comfortable. Not yet, anyways.

Vivianne watched how the quiet persona in the room pushed back a pair of goggles from her face before turning to look at the group before her. Judgemental eyes stared, nodding as if she was satisfied.

“You’re the—” Vivianne spoke up, recognizing that face from the bulletin board. The mute doctor placed a finger to her lips and just hushed.

Y/N stood up, the sound of a heavy boot came with every step. Vivianne wasn’t sure what she felt… Was it envy? There was something in how Y/N carried herself despite being the one with the greatest disadvantage in the room.

She wanted to capture it. She wanted it to herself.

——

Annie stayed seated on a small bed that Uncle Miles provided, a hand covering her chest while Y/N took a look at the wound on her shoulder. She felt a few stings whenever the mute doctor touched the surely scarred skin.

‘Whoever did this was surely an amateur.’ Y/N gestured, looking over at the bandit that was enjoying a little meal that her uncle had provided. It felt good to be back at home eating all this good food.

“…Sorry, not everyone has experience.” Dakota said, licking their thumb from the sauce that the stew had. Nothing like a good meal to end the day. They stood by the window, looking out at the street. It was always entertaining to see people interact while they ate.

Y/N was thankful she had the proper supplies to start cleaning the wound. So, she started with that first. Having to remove stitches was a bit of a pain, but she knew it was better than letting Annie walk around with busted up looking stitches.

Annie had trouble keeping her eyes averted, always finding herself unconsciously getting distracted by how Y/N would occasionally bite her lip or how her face concentrated on cleaning the inflamed area with a washcloth. The touch enough to make Annie slightly wince and squint her eyes away.

“I just wished it didn’t hurt so bad.” Annie softly muttered, staying still while Y/N worked.

From a professional standpoint, Y/N was a bit concerned about a potential problem. The wound was definitely not correctly treated, and the old sutures were practically loose and tied too big. But, personally, she couldn’t say that Annie didn’t deserve it. A little mean, but she was allowed to be angry.

“So when are we addressing the problem with Vivianne?” Dakota asked, tossing her plate down on her desk with the others once she was finished with her meal. Her hands wiped themselves on her pants, walking over to stand over the doctor and ambassador.

Y/N finished up the cleaning, putting her washcloth down in a bucket beside them. Her attention moved over to Dakota, not sure what they were expecting.

‘Whenever I can get back. I should be able to talk to her about this… She cannot know about the attack on my building though. If she does, I’ll be stuck in the offices and I won’t be able to help you.’ Y/N explained, standing up from the bed and using a small cloth to wipe her hands. ‘She won’t be easy to persuade, but she’s never been easy.’ Y/N signed once more, sighing at the fact she needed to go head to head with her of all people. Adler, she didn’t care much for. She could debate with him whenever and wherever… Vivianne was more hardheaded. A woman bound by a weird sense of leadership. She held every nurse with an iron grip. Not her though. She could never hold her down.

Dakota hummed, “Tell me about it.” her eyes looking back over at Annie who seemed to be checking out her new sutures. However, her eyes were focused a bit more on Y/N.

Annie was stuck in a little world of her own at the moment, trying to process everything that’s happened. Everything that will happen. “Who is Dr. Vivianne?” Annie questioned, her head tilting a bit. She hadn’t heard of the name. Nor did she read about it… This was someone completely new.

Y/N could’ve answered that question in a multitude of ways, but she didn’t. She just stood there and shook her head, ‘Head of the Medical Division. She took after Henry Belis when he died after the war.’ She gestured, not very fond of the history. Especially, not when her and Vivianne had so much of it.

“…So she’s your mentor?” Annie stood up from the bed, adjusting her clothes to cover up with just the fix of some buttons on her shirt.

Y/N shook her head once more, almost finding that idea a bit funny. ‘No. If anything she’s just a person in the big chair.’ Her hand gestures showed a little more of the sadder truth of this story.

A constant shift in power always made its way between Adler, Vivianne and Y/N. Either it was a battle of different approaches to certain things, or just Vivianne putting her foot down…. Y/N always had no choice but to listen.

Dakota took a step forward, a hand gesturing towards Annie. “What she means is, she’s a hothead with too much power. Haven’t thought of one instance where she’s not sending Adler to me. A control freak. Always up my ass about quite literally everything that happens as if I don’t have it all under a watchful eye.” The bandit scoffed.

Y/N knew that Dakota and Vivianne were also on opposite sides of the fence. It wasn’t anything new though.

“…She doesn’t sound… nice.” Annie commented in a weird blunt way that made Y/N give a small exhale of amusement. The blonde’s interest suddenly hyperfixed on that little action, her mind blanking a bit.

Y/N then shook her head, ‘She’s the product of someone who lets expectations cloud judgment… Someone who let their promotion go straight to her head.’ She signed with her eyes averted, crossed her arms after while making her way over to the window. Her mind always drifted back to the past… How, she constantly felt the weight on her shoulders as she did back then. Why was it always her making tough decisions? She never had a moment to just… Be.

“Y/N, I want you to lead the Medical Research Council.”

That offer was the downfall of the bonds they used to hold. When it became more about competition than about actually helping. Who was better and who could fill the shoes that were left. Y/N remember denying the position… Wanting to live a quieter life. The occasional job here and there… But, now here she was. Fighting against her own moral compass and risking her job because she’s never been one to leave others behind. Not now, not ever. She was thankful that Luther and Denis shared that principle.

She was tired.

Dakota could see that look in Y/N’s face. How her eyebrows furrowed down, a look of lost confidence. “…You two have history then?” She finally asked, making Y/N’s head turn away.

Annie stayed quiet, just wanting to know anything that Y/N would give her… Anything that book never told. Those continued chapters. She just… She needed to know.

And Y/N told them.

‘We worked together for a while. I was under the watchful eye of Commander Hange, placed to be a field medic and soon captain for a squad … She was… my partner. Someone I could trust at the time… A voice almost.’ Her gestures were careful, her face showing a mixture of emotions. But, she didn’t miss those moments. ‘At least, that’s what I thought at the time… But, when you’re running for someone else, you forget to walk. She forgot to walk and instead took the opportunity to fly… Hasn’t come down since.’ Her way of telling the story made Annie feel like she got a good punch to the gut. Like she was too late.

Dakota was surprised, head almost jolting back a bit from the information shared. That made a whole lot more sense now…. Why couldn't they find anything based on the missing parts of this “case.”

“You were been quietly stationed…? Why the hell would they do that?” Dakota was so fucking confused. In what universe, does making someone go missing create a benefit?

Annie was struggling to understand as well, her expression contorting with its own confusion. “That doesn’t make sense…” Annie started her thought, pointing towards Y/N, who in turn turned to look directly at the ambassador.

“I was working with the scouts during the rumbling… They said they never saw you...” Annie could remember it easily. Jean didn’t know. Connie didn’t know. Mikasa was the one who told her that Y/N’s been… Armin even said the same thing….

Y/N took a step forward, ‘What did you expect the friends of a former enemy to do?… I was working and had you come after me, you would’ve been killed.’ She knew her words were coming off a bit hostile, maybe even a bit bitter… But, she was… She was allowed to be. That was the truth. She had bigger responsibilities than

Dakota stayed quiet though, taking a place against the wall with her arms folded over her chest. She wanted to see how this entire thing unfolded, but kept a watchful eye on if it got… Too heated between the two.

Annie shook her head, “You weren’t my…” She then stopped herself, because at the time… They were enemies. They fought on different sides of the walls. Y/N stood a little taller, her eyes looking into Annie. The same way they used to when she couldn’t promise anything. It made Annie speechless.

There was a pregnant pause before Y/N tilted her head, hands signing her thoughts. ‘I liked to keep my whereabouts private… That was until recently… With the war over and a lot of the members no longer here… Now, I am just a doctor and rep for medical research.’ The mute doctor’s footsteps grew closer to Annie, the two eventually standing face to face. As much as it pained her to mention the death of her mentor and practically her guardian Hange, it was true. After the war on Marley… Y/N’s squad was disbanded to focus full time on other things.

Annie’s eyes softened up, her eyes unconsciously moving downwards towards the lips of the other woman. “And what was so important?… I could think of many instances where people needed a medic and you just weren’t there.” Annie questioned with a more sharpness in her tone. Her eyes looked back up into Y/N’s eyed again, their gazes strong enough to probably light a flame.

‘Who do you think delivered the queen’s heir?’ Y/N’s response made Dakota have a little outburst, her head shaking in disbelief. She pushed herself off from the wall and approached the doctor with an accusatory tone. “Bullshit! Everyone knows that Dr—” Her voice stopped immediately, eyes showing a shocking realization. That’s when Dakota’s hand soon pointed directly at the mute doctor, the doctor holding a prideful smile.

Annie’s eyes shifted to Dakota, trying to understand what revelation they had just came upon… Then she heard it. A name she’s heard of before.

“Dr. Quil…” Dakota’s realization rang in her voice, expression showing the new information boggled her mind. The documents were shredded because Y/N didn’t exist in the corp…. Y/N and Dr. Quil didn’t exist at the same time. They couldn’t.

“Dr. Quil helped me out with my bent out leg. I’d recommend seeing her if you need a check-up.”

The memory made Annie’s body feel suddenly cold. Her eyes finding themselves downcast and her hands at her sides in the shape of fists. Hiding in plain sight… Then she remembered what Dakota said to her when she was tied up in that chair.

“Name has been dead for a long time….” Annie spoke under her breath, trying to take in everything… But, It was too… Too much.

‘Marley was lovely, by the way. I find it crazy I made it there before you did.’ Y/N was just fucking with Annie now, the tension starting to grow the more that Y/N revealed. Annie immediately grabbed Y/N by her shirt collar, staring at her old lover with a more cold gaze. Was she mocking her?

The threatening look didn’t make Y/N flinch, she wasn’t the same person she was before… Annie had to accept that… There was no journal writing, no walks through the snow, no late night visits that ended up in a tangle of limbs… They were strangers. A clean slate. They didn’t recognize each other. That’s what years did to something that wasn’t fully established.

“Amby…” Dakota placed a hand on Annie’s chest, keeping her voice steady to calm Annie’s overwhelming emotions. But, It was all just too much to take in. Her fists clenched harder, her eyes wide and she was spiraling a bit.

But, it wasn’t. They were just battle-hardened creatures now… Both had their secrets. ‘Be mad that I lied, Sure. But, you can’t be mad at me for doing the same shit you did to me.’ Y/N was right. She wasn’t any better… They were the same coin, different sides. Annie couldn’t be mad that Y/N took a more respectable route of things.

“Annie.” Dakota’s voice raised, stern and hushed as to not disturb her uncle who was probably in his own sorrows with his mourning.

“You act like I didn’t care.” Annie’s voice wavered in their justifications. “I didn’t fucking leave you because I wanted to!”

‘You left because you knew you couldn’t stand to tell me the truth. You couldn’t even be honest with me when I got hurt because of you.’ Y/N’s words struck into her like daggers. And they were right… Annie was the biggest coward. The one that ran away because it got too complicated and the fact Y/N saw that and looked down on her… She didn’t know what to say.

Dakota’s hand pushed against Annie’s chest again, “That’s enough.” The bandit wasn’t going to let this continue, making Annie finally let go of her old lover’s shirt. Y/N even swatted Annie’s hands away, the sounds of breaths heavy coming from the two lovers. Dakota pushed them away from each other, pointing a finger at the blonde then at the H/C as if they were dogs. Both just back off, staring at each other from past Dakota.

The doctor fixed her collar, dusting herself off while she took that moment to breathe. She knew Annie could easily overpower her, did she care? No. She knew she had the upper hand. They both were in a position that couldn’t be replaced. Both were important people… With powerful names…

“Let me remind you both that we don’t need this. I get it! You’re pissed off at her. She’s hung up on you… But, right now??? We have shit we got to do.” The gang leader motioned between the two, hazel eyes meeting up with the doctor’s. “Doctor?” Dakota spoke to move the attention from Annie to herself, cautiously holding out their hand to the disheveled woman. Y/N just looked down at it with a stubborn glare. A little parley on their personal matters… How fun.

“We get this done, you both can sit… Maybe, have a nice coffee above ground about it. Hell! Kill each other afterwards if you really want to! I don’t give a damn. Now, we know what we need. We need to rest, wake up and have that meeting with Vivianne with no delay.” The way Fabel spoke really showed that they knew how to keep the game fair. That’s how they liked it. Fair, sweet and short. None of this back and forth.

Annie licked the inside of her cheek, still feeling that bubbling annoyance in her gut. She was also smacked with guilt and doubt. She just nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. It’s not like she wanted to fight her. and Y/N didn’t want to fight her either… She was exhausted.

“Deal?” Dakota asked, eyebrows raising to show a more neutral face to the doctor. She didn’t want to seem like she picked a side, there was no sides.

With much contemplation, Y/N reached over to shake the bandit’s hand. She can play nice for a bit. E/C eyes met up with blue soon after, ‘I know a nice cafe we can go to when this is all over. I’m guessing you like it with extra sugar?’ The doctor signed to Annie, making the ambassador suddenly look taken aback.

“How did you—?” Annie was caught off guard, head turning to follow as Y/N walked past her to start getting their stuff together for bed. She might not have realized, but Y/N still remembered her sweet tooth. Not that she would admit it.

Dakota shook their head, rolling their eyes as they left the two to get their shit together. The bandit was expecting a cute reunion, maybe some fighting with a little bit of declarations of love… No, just got a headache. A massive one.

“Hey, Uncle. Do you have rope?” Dakota asked, coming down the stairs to see the older man at his workstation. His eye looked over to the younger Fabel, placing down an axe head he was sharpening.

“What do you need rope for?…” He asked, watching as Dakota made her way over. She stopped across the work bench, hands in her pockets with her eyes looking at all the new things her uncle had been busying himself with.

“I got two dogs that need to get along. Figured I would just tie them up until they did…” Her hands picked up a shiny blue steel knife with a beautiful redwood handle. She gave it a few practice swings, testing how the blade hid away before flicking it out again.

Miles softly hummed, “Is that what I heard upstairs…?” He turned back to his work, sanding down a handle for an axe he was making.

Dakota nodded with a dramatic head nod, folding the knife back into itself. That’s when Miles held out his hand, “Makes the place a lot more lively… Can’t say I hated it.” He said with a short laugh, making Fabel feel a little guilty. They knew what he meant, it wasn’t just him that felt that way.

She gave him the knife, watching him pull away from the desk to place it into a little sheath he had made for it. A pretty thing, lovely dark leather always looked good. “I’m sorry for not being around much, M…” She apologized, pulling a chair out from his desk that was cluttered with ideas and projects. She sat across, leaning back in it.

He took a deep breath, looking at her with tired eye. “You're all good, D… I know you’re busy with managing the gang. I gave you that responsibility after all… I know how much it takes away.” He looked back down at the wooden handle in his hand, placing down the sandpaper to test how it felt in his hands.

Dakota sighed, “…I’m working hard to stop it… I mean.. I’m not going to say much, but I’ve been establishing quite the connections.” She saw how he shook his head.

It didn’t matter how many connections a person had. For some reason, this place always took and took. It took his left eye… It took his wife… He was stagnant… Just a guy who made tools for a gang he used to run.

“Hmm… Just don’t get swept up in it, D.” He simply said, his voice quiet. It pained Dakota to see him this way… Watching him adjust that eyepatch on his face, sometimes she could see his hands shake.

“It’ll have to catch up to me to sweep me up, Uncle.” Her voice softened up, watching as he sighed and shook his head. “I’m serious.” He replied, looking up at the young bandit. Despite her being older now, he still saw that little girl that enjoyed watching him make new things.

“I know.” She exhaled, standing up from the chair. “I promise. Once this is all over, we can take a trip above ground… get some fresh air. Maybe, we can see the water too. I know you’ve always wanted to do that.” She promised, holding a soft smile. It was one of those smiles that made Miles feel at ease.

“…Sure… We’ll go see the water.” He agreed with the pretty thought. Maybe he needed to get away from all of this… But, nothing could ever fill his missing piece… Not even water. Dakota gave a wink, motioning towards the kitchen as she started to head for head. “Make sure you eat, Uncle. Don’t need you passed out on your workbench again.” She advised, footsteps echoing as Dakota went up.

The older man’s eye looks over at the urn on the shelf, “What are we going to do with this kid, Kate?…” He asked before he shook his head and got back to work on making his axe.

——

“LUTHER! RUN!” Denis yelled, sprinting down the alleyway behind his best friend. Luther was running just like he was told, looking back behind them as men started to rush them.

“I want them alive!” The man ordered, stopping his chase and pointing at his men to go after them. His lips lifted into a proud smirk, hearing the bullets fire and the feet of men running at his demand… Was this what it was like to have power Instead of being kicked to the ground?

Denis followed close behind, pulling down barrels and crates to obstruct any path. Luther knew something was fucked when they saw those bastards were starting to block off streets. They had to ditch the wagon because of it and It fucked with him, he knew what they were looking for. Their faces were well known from the papers.

BANG!

Luther found himself ducking his head, scrambling into another set of alleyways behind some brothel. Bugs and rats scurried past his feet. His heart racing in his ears made it feel as if his head was underwater. He couldn’t hear anything. Just kept running and running.

“Through here!” Luther said, finding an old building they could run through. He looked at the old doors on it, taking a step back before using as much momentum and adrenaline to kick the damn thing open. Once the door broke open, Luther pushed himself through the splintering wood. The place was dark and dusty, but he could care less…

“Denis, I think we should—” He turned behind him and saw no one. Her heart dropping instantly, all he could hear now was the sound of his own heavy breathing.

“Denis?…Brother?” He helplessly called out.

taglist; @cess02 @the-camilucha @tsukidrama @scouts-stuff

[variety-fangirl]

OMG OKAY

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJVW1bhX/

So I was just scrolling through tt and got this idea.. can I please request an imagine where Jimmy and Lauren bump into each other and she sees Jimmy with his gf and asks "Her last name" just like she did the first time they met, assuming the reader is just another hook up, but he surprises her as he answers with our last name? Thank you!!!<3

Our Name / Jimmy Keene x fem!reader

Summary: Jimmy and you see Lauren randomly whilst out shopping, and she assumes you're just another one of Jimmy's regulars. Your confession wipes the smirk off her smug face.

Warnings: none, for once 😂 just some fluff.

Authors note: OKAY OKAY, love this idea. So, what I got from this and assume you mean is that reader and Jimmy are married and so that our last name is his? I hope so because that is what I wrote 😅😂 but I hope you like it anyways! Just a short one :D Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy it. Liking, commenting, and reblogging really helps me out.

Word count: 537

You and Jimmy had been out on a date, enjoying the afternoon in your little happy bubble, basking in the warm sun and quiet surroundings. You had stopped by a few of your and Jimmy's favourite shops, grabbed some food at a cute small café you passed by, and ended the day by grabbing ice cream, which you were currently munching on as you walked and talked. The day had been perfect, you couldn't have asked for a better date with Jimmy, it was one of your favourite ways to spend an afternoon. You had made Jimmy promise that you would go out on two dates a week, doing fun little activities so you could spend quality time with one another, and he had stuck to that. Not that it took much convincing for him to take you on a date, he loved you and would do whatever to keep you happy.

You were both happily walking down the street laughing when someone stopped in front of you, a little distance away. "Jimmy?" the voice asks, making you both stop and look who it is. You instantly recognise Lauren, putting on your best smile, you had never been a huge fan of hers. She comes to stand directly in front of you both with a smile, her eyes focused on Jimmy. A little too focused if you ask me. "How have you been? It's been too long," she asks friendly, placing her hand on his arm. Jimmy wraps his arm tighter around your waist and pulls his arm from her grasp, "Yeah good thanks. You?" he was trying to be polite but you could see by his face that he didn't want to stay talking to her.

"Good, yeah I'm good." They chatted for a few moments before she turned her attention to you, "And you are?" she faced you, a raised brow studying you. You smile as best as you can, "y/n." god did things feel awkward, but you were never one to be rude even when you didn't like someone. Unless they were first, then it was a different story. She pretends to think with a finger on her mouth, "I don't remember Jimmy mentioning you before, your last name?" she wonders, seeming genuinely interested in that. Probably to stalk your socials to dig up what she could about you and your relationship with Jimmy. You feel Jimmy tense next to you, pulling you even closer to his side. "Keene," Jimmy answers as you hold your hand out for her to see the beautiful ring that Jimmy had picked for you.

You watched Lauren's face drop, shocking morphing on her face. "Wow... How long have you guys been married?" she questions as you put your hand back around Jimmy's back. "About six months, we are very happy," Jimmy says with a smile as he looks down at you lovingly, placing a gentle kiss on your cheek. "Congratulations both, I hope you guys will be happy, I'll see you later." she nods before walking away. Well that wiped the smirk off her face, serves her right for thinking you were another of Jimmy's hookups. "Always nice to see old faces." you joke sarcastically, making Jimmy laugh.

[utilitycaster]

Do you feel like you like FCG more now *because* of how much he originally grated on you? Because I’ve been feeling lately like that. Like I see him now and part of what I enjoy is how very much he’s grown as a person from the (sorry Sam) painfully unpleasantly awkward/nosy guy he was. I like him more because of how much he bothered me to start. If not that, what else do you feel had fueled your shift in feelings, I’d love to hear!

Good question! I don’t know if it’s that he was grating early on so much that the things that were issues for me early on have since been resolved in-game as part of a compelling and well-crafted arc. There are characters who have great character arcs whom I’ve loved start to finish, but it is true that there’s something uniquely satisfying when a character you didn't like turns around, and this is by far the most dramatic turnaround I've experienced in actual play.

I didn’t mind the awkwardness, and the nosiness was a bit irritating, but for me the problems were much more the constant people-pleasing/terrible therapy from someone who didn’t seem to have any awareness combined with the fact that a sourceless cleric is not interesting to me at all, and Sam was having a difficult time with the mechanics which is somewhat unforgivable in a party with two glass cannons.

All of that has since been fixed. I think the subclass is still in need of retooling, but now that the party has more HP and FCG themself has more options, Sam is less reliant on the mechanics I disliked and much more comfortable with more standard cleric options. FCG developing a sense of personhood and approaching his interests out of genuine curiosity and wistfulness about the experiences he cannot have rather than the obsequious “oh, I’m just a machine” has been a joy to watch. And, of course, they’re engaging with a deity! They’re exploring faith in a way we really haven’t seen before; all our past clerics have been clerics since childhood, and the pathway to being a paladin is fundamentally different. Finding out more about Aeor, and his connection with FRIDA are both icing on the cake - really, all I needed was an arc about FCG finding a source of faith (deity-based or conceptual) and coming to terms with being a real person, and, like Ashton, I couldn’t be prouder of them.

If I may: I think of the cast, Sam is not necessarily graceful or subtle at dropping hints and working in a picture of what’s there without explicitly saying it (I've talked about this as negative space), but he is extremely good at understanding the structure of a story and that this is work that needs to be done. Think of Nott spending an hour disguised as a halfling in a cafe, or Scanlan doing drugs, or FCG being weird about birds and talking about their past party. It's necessary groundwork to be laid, and it’s infinitely better to lay it on thickly or imperfectly than to not do it at all. As a result, sometimes Sam's characters do take longer to grow on me, but they consistently have; the turnaround for FCG was just the sharpest.

I think because FCG was built around a particularly complicated reveal, it was rough until we hit Breaking Point. Because he was so focused on putting those dominoes in place, he was holding back too much on everything else. Once we had that reveal it felt like Sam could actually breathe. The confirmation FCG had a soul came not long after and everything since then has been a wonderfully explored arc of someone coming at the problem of “who am I and where do I fit in to the world” from several different directions.

[alicewonderao3]

Begin Again

Title: Begin Again

Characters: Aaron Hotchner, fem!reader,

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x fem!reader

Summary: She's spent the last few months mourning her lost love. Can Aaron show her that love is never truly lost?

Warnings: None, just fluff.

Word count: 986

Authors note: I was listening to Begin Again by Taylor Swift today and this made me think of Aaron. This is the third story this song has inspired, by the way. I plan to write a version of this, sort of different, with Spencer Reid, because it'll be so great. Writing this made me wish I could go on a coffee date of my own with Aaron Hotchner. I have no beta, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are mine. I don't own the song, I just borrow it. Let me know what you think, and as always, enjoy!

This was my first date since things had ended. It was a regular Saturday morning. I slipped into my heels and fixed my hair, making sure I looked just right. I turned and locked the door, sliding my headphones in as I walked down the street, the warm sunshine falling on my shoulders. The song changes and I think about how my ex hated this song. 

It's one of my favorites, a song that makes my feet feel lighter as I walk down the street, approaching the coffee shop. I almost expect to be waiting, but to my surprise, I see him, leaning against the wall of the shop, his head focused on a phone in front of him. He looks up, and his eyes meet mine and I smile, as he waves at me. 

His hand rests on the small of my back as he guides me into the busy coffee shop, and to my surprise, he even pulls the chair out for me, helping me in as he takes his seat. Aaron Hotchner is gorgeous. His dark hair and dark eyes almost shine in the lights from the shop, making me smile at him as he sips his coffee and gives me his undivided attention. 

Aaron's an FBI agent, working for an elite unit that helps track down and put away dangerous criminals. He's observant, and funny and charming, his laugh ringing out as his head tips back. He tells me I'm funny, and it strikes me as odd, remembering how my ex always said I couldn't land a joke ever. I'd spent the last 10 months watching love fall apart and burn. 

We shared the same love of music, talking about our favorite artists and our favorite dishes and musicals, his face is animated, lit up from within as he talks about everything, including his son Jack. He shows me a picture, and the boy is adorable, with the same hair and eyes as Aaron. He tells me about his job, about his team and it's clear he cares for them. 

He's so serious, but at the same time, the warmth that I feel as he talks to me, as he laughs at my jokes makes my heart skip a beat. I look up at him shyly as he keeps his hand on the small of my back, guiding me through the busy crowds. He catches my gaze and as my cheeks flush a delicate shade of pink, he just grins down at me, his eyes twinkling with a hidden laugh. 

It's enough to make me swoon, and I know I'm a goner, even as we walk in the park, as we find out we share favorite movies and favorite foods. But it's the way he's genuinely interested in me, the way he gives me his undivided attention, those gorgeous brown eyes of his staring into mine. He's so handsome, so graceful, so kind. 

I've never had kind before. It's nice, as we walk back out of the park, and back to the coffee shop, where his car is parked. I meet his eyes. "I had so much fun today, Aaron," I said softly. I watch him smile, that twinkle in his eyes that makes my heart skip a beat again, as he looks down at me, the wind ruffling his dark hair, his leather jacket over his black polo shirt reminding me of how handsome he is. 

"I did too." He says, looking down at me. I hold his gaze, my lips pulling up into a smile, as he goes from charming man to fumbling schoolboy, as he asks for my number. He tells me he's busy, that his job sometimes demands that he's gone for work more than he'd like, but he seems sincere in his desire to get to know me better, so I give him my number. 

The smile that spreads across his face makes me melt. Aaron is gorgeous, and kind and funny, but his smile warms my heart, and when he directs it at me, it's like I'm the only person in the entire world and I never want to lose that feeling. It reminds me of standing in the warm sunshine on a cold winter morning, sipping hot tea and I want him to be a part of my life. 

And then he hugs me, wrapping his strong arms around my body, pulling me in close. It's the best hug I've ever got in my life and the warm feeling that continues to spread through me as he holds me makes me hold onto him tighter. "I'll see you again, right?" I asked him, as I pulled back from the hug and watched him shoot me that charming smile again, the one he doesn't even realize is charming. 

"Of course, honey." He says and I melt again, the affectionate word making me swoon again. I lean up on impulse, pressing my soft lips to his cheek, feeling the stubble there. "I can't wait to see you again, Aaron," I murmur, as we go our separate ways. I make it home, and as I close my front door, my phone buzzes with a text: Aaron. 

"I had such a good time with you today. Dinner Friday?" 

The text makes me grin, leaning against the door, as my heart beats faster, as I slide down the door and think about after watching my love fall apart, watching it burn and break and hurt, I'm right back where I started, watching love begin again. I send him a text back, a large grin on my face. "Yes. Dinner sounds wonderful, Aaron." 

On a Saturday, in a coffee shop, Aaron Hotchner gave me hope for love anew, and I was going to hold onto this with both hands. Something told me not to let him go, that Aaron Hotchner, was special. I'd find out later just how right I was. 

[floyds-favorite-shrimp]

That's No Fun At All

Floyd Leech x Fem!Yuu

Word Count: 2252

Fluffy! Some super mild angst.\

More under cut!

“I’m sure that doing this will increase profits significantly.”

“Yes, I see what you mean.  And if we can apply this method to the kitchen staff, efficiency would skyrocket as well.” 

“Mmmmm.” Floyd moaned, his hands on Jade’s shoulders as he used his twin brother to prop himself up on his tip-toes. His mis-matched eyes scanned their surroundings. There were plenty of students out in the courtyard, but not the one he was specifically looking for. “Mmmmrrrrrghhhhh.” He whined, looking for a specific head of dark hair. 

“Floyd, is there something we can help you with?” Azul asked, as Jade simply smiled at his brother’s antics. “Would you care to share your opinion on our new business plan?” Azul pushed his glasses up a bit farther on his nose. 

“Where’s Shrimpyyyyyyyyyy?” Floyd asked no one in particular, continuing to use his height to scan the crowd.

“I’m afraid my brother has taken quite the liking to that prefect of Ramshackle dorm.” Jade said, while Floyd completely ignored the two of them. 

“That girl from another world?” Azul questioned, crossing his arms over his chest. His gray eyes scanned their surroundings, as if he’d be able to see something his two tall minions could not. “She seems rather plain to me.” He muttered, a slight hint of interest in his voice. After all, Floyd never put up with anything boring. If he was interested in her, there had to be a reason. If Azul could figure it out, perhaps there was a way for him to exploit it..

“No.” Came an unusually stern voice. Azul started slightly, looking up into Floyd’s gaze. A frown creased his features. “I know what you’re thinking, and she’s my toy. You can’t steal her.” He huffed.

Azul sighed. “Well, that’s more like you.” He muttered, but Floyd was already back to scouting the grounds. Azul and Jade made eye contact. Jade grinned as Azul simply shook his head. How long would this interest last? When would he get bored now?

“IT’S SHRIMPY!” Floyd suddenly screeched, taking off away from the other two. His long legs carried him across the courtyard in essentially no time at all. 

“Shrimpy! Shrimpy, Shrimpy, Shrimpy!” Floyd chanted as he crossed the way. Yuu looked up as she heard her nickname, smiling slightly at the genuine grin on Floyd’s face. It reminded her of a puppy. His sharp teeth were on full display as he slowed to a stop in front of her. 

Yuu looked up into his handsome face. His eyes were focused solely on her. There was something about the way she looked at him that intrigued him. He walked behind her, flinging his arms over her shoulders as he hung over her.

“Shrimpyyyy. We’re gonna go do something fun, right?” He asked her, his breath tickling her neck as he spoke. 

“Sure, but you have to wait until my classes are over.” She promised him, doing her best to ignore the tickling sensation that ran across her skin when he spoke. He sighed, causing a shiver to run down her spine. 

“But I don’t wanna wait.” He pouted. Yuu could imagine the sad eyes he was giving her, even if she couldn’t see them. “You only have one more class, right? Just skip it and hang out with me! No one cares about Magical History anyway.” 

“I have to try to keep my grades up.” Yuu told him, readjusting her position as best as she could with his weight on her. “And I’m pretty sure you have a class left today too.” 

“I don’t care about them.” Floyd said, standing up again so Yuu could turn to face him. “My grades are good enough, so skipping a class or two won’t hurt.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well lucky you.” Yuu said, puffing up her cheeks. “My grades are not good. I have no idea about anything in this world. Even the math works differently.” She complained. Her smile vanished as her eyes moved to look down at the ground.

And Floyd didn’t like it. He didn’t like it one bit. He reached out, pinching both of her cheeks and causing her to look up at him with wide eyes. He tugged her soft cheeks upwards, in a twisted version of a smile.

“Vat ah oo doin” Yuu tried to say. She couldn’t tell if the look on his face was one of sadness or of annoyance. Maybe it was both.

“I don’t like it when my Shrimpy frowns.” He said. “That’s no fun at all.” He gave her cheeks another pinch before finally letting go. Yuu put a small smile back on her face, finding his clumsy concern endearing. 

“No fun?” Came another voice. Yuu and Floyd turned in the direction that it came from to see Jade and Azul walking towards them. “Is she no fun already? I knew you’d get bored eventually. Maybe now you can get back to work.” He shrugged, looking bored. Floyd furrowed his brows at his friend’s words. Bored? Of Shrimpy? He could never be bored of her. 

“Bored?” Yuu asked, staring at Azul. She knew that Floyd got bored easily. He was open about the fact that he liked constant entertainment. But for some reason, it had never occurred to her that he would be bored of her. Was that true? Was it too late to save their friendship? Maybe if she left him alone for a while, he wouldn’t be so bored of her. 

Floyd looked down at her as she bit her lip. It was clear that something Azul said didn’t sit right with her, and it was obvious to Floyd what it was. It seemed so silly to him. Shrimpy was one of the only people who always kept his attention, even when they weren’t doing anything. Any other time he’d normally be bored, he was always satisfied if she was there. He opened his mouth to tell Azul that he was wrong, but he never got the words out.

“Right, well,” Yuu said, her voice now uncharacteristically quiet. “I should get to class. I’ll see you guys later.” She waved half-heartedly, her long hair flowing as she turned on her heel and started to walk away. Floyd frowned after her, her shoulders were hunched over as she continued on her way.

“Azuuulllll.” Floyd whined, bending down to look Azul in the eye, his hands on his hips. “Why’d you have to scare her away?” He had his lips pressed into a thin line, his eyes taking on a more menacing look. 

“Haven’t you been associating with her every day?” Azul questioned, subconsciously taking a step closer to Jade. “I thought it safe to assume you were bored with her.” 

“I think you did it on purpose. So I’d focus more on the stupid Mostro Lounge.” Floyd said cooly, staring down his nose at Azul. “Y’know, if you want my attention so badly, I’m happy to give you a good squeeze.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Azul said nervously, grimacing as he remembered the last time he had pissed Floyd off and gotten squeezed. “I assure you that wasn’t my intention.” He said, waving his hand and hoping Floyd didn’t sense the lie. He sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose, partially out of annoyance and partially out of anxiety. “Just go find her after class and tell her, oh I don’t know, that you still find her entertaining?” Azul suggested in an attempt to keep Floyd’s temper at bay. 

“Perhaps don’t phrase it like that.” Jade suggested, his signature grin having not left his face during the entire conversation. 

“Hm.” Floyd hummed as he studied Azul with his icy gaze. “I guess since it’s your fault Shrimpy is mad at me, then you won’t complain if I don’t show up to work until she likes me again.” He huffed. He didn’t wait for Azul’s reply before he turned on his heel and started to walk away. 

“Well she’s in class, so you might as well go to your next class too!” Azul shouted after him. After all, as housewarden, if Floyd’s grades dropped, Azul would hear about it. Floyd ignored him as he continued to walk away.

“You put him in a bad mood.” Jade sighed. “I was quite serious when I said he has taken a liking to her. Enough so that this may be an awakening for him.”

“Great.” Azul muttered. “Now I have to budget to hire someone to pick up his slack.”

“Where. Is. Shrimpy.” Floyd asked himself as he walked through campus. It had been a few days since she left him, Jade and Azul standing in the courtyard and he hadn’t even caught so much as a glimpse of her since then. He grumbled to himself as he took long strides towards Ramshackle dorms. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“I’ll have to give her an extra hard squeeze.” Floyd said. “Since she’s being so mean. Why haven’t I seen her anywhere? Shrimpy thinks she can get away with avoidin’ me.” He reached the front door to Ramshackle, pounding his fist on it. No one answered, but that wasn’t going to stop Floyd. Not today. He had been patient enough. He had waited long enough. 

Floyd grabbed the door handle, giving it a slight turn and the door to Ramshackle creaked open. He honestly doubted it even locked in the first place. Crowley didn’t seem to worry too much about her safety. 

Floyd walked into the common area of Ramshackle. The dorm was eerily quiet as the floors creaked and groaned as Floyd took each step. He sat down on the old couch, sinking into the unsupportive cushions. He took out his phone, looking through the texts that he had sent over the last few days, the majority of them to Yuu, and they remained unanswered. Floyd began to impatiently bounce his leg. 

It felt like forever, but eventually Floyd heard the front door open. He quickly wiggled his way out of the couch and stood next to the doorway that led into the common area. He made sure he was out of sight from anyone in the entryway and waited, ready to pounce. He could tell where she was since every floorboard in the house screamed under pressure. He could hear her getting closer and closer, and as she appeared through the doorway, He opened his arms wide, Yuu only seeing the movement from the corner of her eye before she was swept up in his arms, pressed so tightly against him that she could hear his heart as her head pressed against his chest. It took Yuu a moment to realize what she was pressed up against.

“Floyd?!” She questioned, trying to shift just enough to look at him, but the more she moved the harder he squeezed. “You’re crushing my ribs, please loosen up a little.” Yuu said, her voice strained. However, Floyd refused to loosen up at all.

“After you’ve been avoiding me for so long? I ain’t about to let you go, Shrimpy.” He said, his long arms had created an unbreakable obstacle. 

He felt the tension leave Yuu’s body. His arms loosened only slightly in response.

“Can you at least let go just enough for me to look at you?” She asked him. He hesitated for a moment, but eventually relented and loosed his arms enough for her to pull away a few inches, but contrary to her words she did not look up. She continued to rest her head on his chest.

And now that she was doing it voluntarily, Floyd suddenly didn’t know how to react. This was the first time that he could remember where squeezing wouldn’t solve his problems. He kept his arms around her shoulders, and felt her take a deep breath.

“Uh, Shrimpy?” Floyd questioned. 

“Well now that I have to say it all out loud, it’s embarrassing.” Yuu mumbled, trying to bury her face even farther into his jacket. Floyd sighed.

“Don’t tell me you were actually dumb enough to listen to Azul.” He said, rolling his eyes even though she couldn’t see it. She muttered something incoherent, but Floyd knew that it was a yes. “That takoyaki doesn’t know what he’s talking about. My Shrimpy is the only one who can keep me on my toes.”

Yuu finally looked up at him, the only reason their noses didn’t brush was because of the height difference between them. 

“And I pride myself on being able to keep my Shrimpy on her toes too.” He muttered quietly, gripping her chin lightly. “You better never listen to Azul again. I don’t wanna go that long without my-” Floyd cut himself off, rethinking his choice of words. “Without you.” He said hoarsely. 

Yuu’s bottom lip stuck out in a small pout, and Floyd’s gaze was drawn to it. He slowly leaned in, dropping his arms from her shoulders to her waist, giving her the room to lean back and avoid him, if that’s what she wanted to do.

But he really hoped that wasn’t what she wanted to do. As he drew closer, he watched as her eyes widened, and then fluttered shut, and he closed his own eyes as he gently pressed his lips against hers, cupping the back of her head as their lips moved together. He was careful to keep his sharp teeth in check. After all, she wasn’t ready for those.

Not Yet.

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen! I recently turned 30 and have never been in a relationship

In highschool and university I was more focused on school and extracurricular activities, and relationships didn't interest me all that much. Looking back I think it was because I didn't realize I was a lesbian, and the idea of dating boys didn't seem appealing. And maybe others saw that, as I was never asked out (by any gender), and to my knowledge, no one ever took interest in me.

In my early-20s I became interested in dating once I figured out my sexuality, and tried a few dating apps and meeting new people. But nothing really came from it. I have zero experience in dating and flirting, and I have no idea what it's like to be romanced or flirted with. Just like in highschool and university, no one had ever asked me out or seem genuinely interested in me. The older I get and the more Valentine's day I see passing by as a single person, the less hopeful I feel.

It sounds silly and stupid, but I feel like I'm unlovable. Can't see a future where someone falls in love with me, and vice versa; it's so easy to just give up the hope that this loneliness will end.

I don't know what I'm asking for here - reassurance that I'm not alone in this? reassurance that I will be OK being alone? Are there others who went through similar situations and found happiness?

On a different topic: where did you get your rainbow frog necklace? I study frogs and have tried looking for that necklace everywhere.

Thank you so much!

The only dating I did in high school was with one boy whom I met at a campground one summer. He was perfect because I was not interested but also wanted to look like I liked boys. He lived about 40 minutes away and was a farm kid so our time together was very limited. It saved me from having to constantly make up excuses like “I am sick” or “I can’t kiss because I have a cold sore starting”. Any time we were together I ducked and dodged his advances and he was a gentleman about it, never pushing my boundaries. 

In college I finally admitted I liked women but was nowhere near confident enough to come out. I dated one boy, on one date and never was asked again, by man or woman which was disheartening on some level BUT also a relief because I was having fun with my friends (who were all dating off and on) and was not ready for any sort of relationship. I definitely didn’t want a boy asking me and girls scared the hell out of me. I have been told by many of my older lesbian (and some younger) friends that being intimidated by women, especially those we find attractive or interesting, is normal and expected for many of us. 

Lesbians are often way behind in dating etiquette and practice simply because we often don’t date in high school or college (at least not anyone we want to). We wait until young adulthood and independence to wade into the dating pool. Lacking dating or relationship experience seems more prevalent the older we are. But I have noticed some of the “in the middle” lesbians (30 to 40ish)  are really struggling with finding each other, dating and feeling confident enough to ask others out. It seems a fair amount of my friends find themselves single after a long relationship (often their first serious one) in that age bracket OR are just now coming out as “late in life lesbian” and have no idea how to even get started. 

I would say you are in good company no matter the reasons you haven’t been in a relationship. You could be dealing with any number of obstacles but the good news is you can handle them. You might be a bit intimidating, either from your stature or your confidence. You might be just limited in the amount of women you are exposed to therefore your dating pool is a bit stifled. Or you maybe just haven’t had the luck of meeting someone who was the right person at the right time. 

As per usual I would suggest getting to lesbian/women events. Try women’s festivals or local concerts featuring women singers or entertainers. These events will attract a wide array of lesbians and bi women and at least you could meet some more like minded women.  Just ask. If you see a woman at the gay bar or at a non profit fundraiser or at a concert, say hello and introduce yourself. At worst they aren’t interested and you have lost nothing but a minute. You might not end up on a date but you could make a new friend. 

The beauty of women’s festivals is that almost everyone there is lesbian or bi (not all but for once we are in the majority). AND it is perfectly acceptable to meet and make friends and the more you expand your friend circle the better for you. Many women meet compatible partners through other friends. 

Dating apps are an option. I can’t speak for them because I have not used one but I hear they are loaded with people looking for one night stands etc, which does not seem like what you are looking for at this stage in your life. So while they are an easy way to meet others looking to date you might have to wade through a lot of muck to find someone worthy of your time and energy.

It never hurts to ask friends to keep their eyes open. They might assume you are happily single and therefore don’t say anything but you never know who they know. You can do this and you will be fine. It just might take a little work putting yourself out there on social media, dating apps and at events. 

The necklace was made for me by my friend Weird Dan who was an artist and leathersmith. IT had to be reconditioned with new leather and some repair on the beads over covid. My girlfriend at the time found this little frog charm so when the repair was done I had it placed in the center. I have not taken it off for years except for the repairs. You can google “frog charm” or “antique silver frog charm pendant”  and some will come up. It is nothing expensive but I love it all the more because of who gave it to me. 

Remember  You deserve someone who has mutual passion and love for you. Don’t rush, don’t settle and be honest with yourself and you will be okay.

[synthient]

When Neo ruefully says that his video game self is "maybe a little too much" like him, the moment he flashes back to is his screen-selves yelling at the Architect.

Which implies that the one thing he feels the most retrospective shame about--his most embarrassing piece of self-recognition--is the one time in reloaded+revolutions that he allowed himself anger.

And note that he didn't even really allow it. At most, that was the Architect holding up a mirror to the inner feelings that Neo was outwardly, and successfully, repressing.

In the trilogy, Neo's emotional repression is part of his character-defining selflessness. He's a martyr, he's a monk, and he's completely subsuming his personal feelings into the role of the One.

In resurrections, Neo is still emotionally repressed (despite-slash-because of the Analyst's "adaptive anger" therapy), but it's taken a new form. Instead of stoic immovability, Neo has leaned into meek accommodation. His body language is curled inward, like he's afraid of taking up too much space. He doesn't speak up for his artistic vision. He doesn't stand up to Smith (while flashing back to the version of himself that was still capable of flipping him off). Any genuine thought or feeling he has must be delusional, and something he needs to stamp out.

(If we could read trilogy Neo as a deadening, reflexive performance of masculinity, then resurrections Neo is being just aware enough of your transfemininity to spiral about how it would be unforgivably inappropriate to even speak to the cute woman at the coffee shop)

This is encapsulated in Neo's fight with Morpheus 2.0. Neo has lost all will for self-defense. He's the perfect punching bag.

Which is the point where Morpheus, and the movie, suggests: maybe our Ultimate Martyr could stand to be a little more selfish!

In the trilogy, it was Smith’s selfishness (literally turning the entire world into an extension of the self) that made him Neo's dark mirror. In Resurrections, Smith is still narrowly focused on his own freedom and self-actualization--to which the movie pretty much takes the approach of "and good for him ☕️". Trinity also gets to embrace selfishness, finally prioritizing her own desires over tending the needs of the nuclear family.

What's interesting, I think, is that this doesn't really end up extending to Neo himself.

Morpheus and Smith both try to prod Neo into fighting for himself--for his life, for his freedom, for his pride, for the basic things he deserves as an autonomous person--and they both fail. Ultimately, Neo can only be talked into fighting for Trinity.

There are a few different interpretations of this we could take. If Trinity is in part a symbolic representation of Neo's ideal self, then maybe freeing her is his act of self-actualization and self-love. Or maybe a healthy amount of selfishness is a nice thing to strive for in the long term, but not something Neo's going to Fix about himself within 48 hours.

Or maybe it's something he'll never really "fix" at all. Maybe being Thee Martyr Complex Guy is just too central to who he is as a person. In the best case scenario, the people who love him can talk him down from his most self-destructive/self-abnegating impulses. Bugs can drag him back from the edge. Morpheus can remind him he deserves better. Trinity can get violent revenge for the both of them.

Not an individual bootstrapping of selfhood, but selfhood based in communal support.

[batrachised]

Rilla of Ingleside holds a special place among my heart with the Anne series, because Rilla is one of the more interesting characters of Anne's children. Most of the other children are who they are from the beginning and stay that way; Jem remains dashing, Walter remains sensitive, even if the characteristics develop a more adult flavor as they grow up. But Rilla changes a lot. Rilla, at the beginning of Rilla of Ingleside, is flighty and airheaded. Not who we'd expect the daughter of the beloved Anne to be. She's immature, self-involved, and selfish, but believe it or not, I don't mean that harshly, because Rilla is also fourteen. If she were in modern day, I describe Rilla as a future influencer, obsessed with her instagram likes and insistent on getting pictures just so. Rilla wants to go to socials and dance with handsome boys and wear pretty shoes even if they cut her feet open and seem older than she is, and she does all of that and more, for all intents and purposes going to be more self-involved than ever with every passing year.

And then WWI hits. And everything changes.

I once read, although I'm going off of memory here, that Rilla of Ingleside holds a unique place as a semi-historical document, because it gives insight into what life was like during WWI on those little Canadian islands like PEI. Places where the war was very far away, yet all too close. You really feel the effects of the war in Rilla; LM Montgomery does a masterful job of describing all the young men leaving, the laughing disdain for the war that turns into a grim understanding of what it really is, what it really costs, and the quiet every day horror of it. In incredibly effective line of the book, one of the characters drearily comments how waiting for the mail every day used to be exciting, but now is torture. Imagine only getting updates sporadically, every few weeks, as your husband or brother or sweetheart or father is off at war, hearing the mail and knowing that this time, this time could be the time in which you learn that they're never coming back (on that note, the line Somewhere in France genuinely makes me tear up).

This is the new world Rilla faces. Dances are gone, because the men are off being slaughtered; socials are war focused; shoes need to be saved to avoid frivolous spending; the world has been turned upside down. She's forced to grow up very quickly, and very grimly, although there are quite a few bumps on the way. That's the charm of the book to me--it's classic LM Montgomery, all the way through, with gossiping housekeepers and wistful young women and characters who seem lived in and real, but also--it's world war 1. And LM Montgomery doesn't sugarcoat it. One scene in the book shows a character crying after learning that soldiers were bayonetting babies.

The whimsy of Anne of Green Gables faces the horror of WWI, and although you'd think the two would clash, LM Montgomery merges them masterfully. The whimsy simply makes the horror all the more cutting, and the horror makes the whimsy all the more sweet. Rilla faces all the typical trials of an LM Montgomery heroine, but she starts from a different place--she's much more shallow than a typical LM Montgomery heroine--and the path she walks is harder in a lot of ways. It's Anne of Green Gables, but with the shadow of WWI over it; the sense of the deep evil in the world that touches even our beloved PEI, but also the recognition of how powerful the community's small light is in a dark, dark time.

[fvkedupgirl]

NINJAGO AU DUMP BC I SAID SO !!

NINJAGO BMC AU

jeremy: jay- doesn’t get the squip to end up w nya, but instead bc he’s sick of feeling like a loser and thinks it’s be good for both him and cole if he was “cooler” bc to him cole is the coolest guy he knows and he feels like he’s holding him back socially

michael: cole- end love interest, obv obv

christine: nya- kind of plays a similar role to chloe or brooke in the sense that jay only tries to date her bc the squip tells him it’ll make him seem cool, rather than genuine feelings; has a little gossip trio w/ morro and pixal

rich: kai- got a squip a year prior, pretty much same character/purpose as rich

jenna: morro- idk i just rlly love the idea of morro being the queen of gossip @ their school

jake: lloyd- bros the green ninja ofc he’s the most popular guy @ school in this au, but also not jock popular guy like jake, more like the popular guy who’s popular bc he’s attractive but ALSO he’s just the sweetest guy. ever. and rlly oblivious to the point where u want to hate him bc of the way the ppl who are nice to him/like him are but you can’t bc he’s so sweet

chloe: pixal- listen okay she’s just a gossip girl ik im pushing it w chloe and christine here but let me LIVE okay let me have my nya pixal + morro gossip trio

brooke: zane- zane is the innocent guy that is besties w the gossip trio bc he follows pixal like a puppy and she would protect him w her life

endgame ships: bruise, bg pixane + maybe samuraishipping

would also include focuses on the dynamics between: kai + lloyd, rgb siblings, nya pixal + morro, kai + jay, + probably more if i fleshed out the whole plot a little more

thinking abt unagami squip?? or maybe some version of superstar rockin’ jay???? probably the latter tbh

SKYBOUND AU(S) BUT MAKE EM ALL BRUISE !! (rhyme time bbg)

so like on the one hand we have the obvious: replace nya w cole. which. i want to do obv bc it’s perfect and i have been planning out the details of the scene where he dies in jays arms and they turn back time and then we finally get our bruise kiss since FOREVER so im not letting my baby go even if other ppl have already written the concept b4.

ON THE OTHER HAND we have, instead of doing the same plot just switching around the roles of some of the characters, REWRITING THE WHOLE PLOT BC HEAR ME OUT HEAR ME OUTTTTT OKAY everyones always like “nyas the bride” “coles the bride” but what if WHAT IF WHAT IFFFFF *JAYS* THE BRIDE???? HEAR ME OUT HERE ME OUT HEAR ME OUT OKAY IVE BEEN THINKING ABT THIS IT CAME TO ME IN THE SHOWER AND I WAS LIKE. THIS. I COULD WORK WITH THIS. BC I WAS THINKING ABT LIKE SOME YUMMY COLE-PERSPECTIVE BRUISE ANGST OF S6 W THE SONG “ITS OVER, ISNT IT” THE OTHER DAY AND I WAS LIKE “HM WHAT IF I WRITE A WHOLE FIC ABT THIS” BC I CANT JUST THINK OF ONE-SIDED BRUISE BC I HATE THE ONE SIDED SHIP TROPE *BUT* ONE SIDED BUT ITS ACTUALLY NOT THEY JUST THINK ITS ONE SIDED BC THEYRE IDIOTS IS A TROPE THAT HAS SUCH A CHOKEHOLD ON ME AND NOW HERE I AM!!!!

any ways uh if i did this im kinda thinking like. nadakhans all “i wanna marry nya” and jays like “dude wtf u can’t just. marry nya ill fite u /p coles my real bbg ofc” and nadakhan says “shit u rite. too much work. plus i got me a captive rite here like it don’t matter who i marry cuz once i got my powers i can bring back that shitty girlypop of mine n e ways. damn bluey ur so smart” and jays like “wha.” so our guy writes a fun explanation of the whole marriage thing to the rest of the squad and he’s like “YOO so im bouta get married but that would not be great for me or anyone else in the whole world so maybe we should do something abt that like just so y’all know” and coles like “bitch not my MANS” and we’ll see where it goes from there bc the timeline would be V different and things would have to get done faster meaning they’d get done differently and id have to actually rewatch the season to figure out the kinks but as i continue to write this the urge to make this a reality grows every more tempting i am foaming at the mouth rn

dumped all of this into my notes and decided to share to gauge ppls interests (pls excuse any rambling my notes are full of so much rambling it’s not even funny)

[thegreyj]

I don't think we should be here

Just a fun little oneshot to make our fandom mom @morganofthewildfire feel better! And maybe everyone else who has been feeling off lately - I hope this brings you some joy!

CW: alcohol I suppose is the only one

Enjoy!

--

I don't think we should be here

Rowan was currently standing alone, feeling somewhat awkward, not knowing whether he should leave or stay and try to find his friend. He had come with Fenrys to a concert, because Fen had begged and begged him until Rowan agreed. Apparently, Fen’s favorite band was headlining tonight, and he swore up and down he was in love with one of the band members, whom he was hoping to finally meet. Rowan didn’t even know if the band member Fen was supposedly in love with was a man or a woman, not that it mattered. He really only knew the name Ace.

The concert had barely started, the opening act was currently on stage, but Fen – like was his style – had already found his way to some group dancing the night away. Why ask Rowan to go in the first place? Not that he minded, the music was actually really good.

Not feeling the mood to dance or party, rather just enjoy the music, Rowan went to find a bar or something at the venue where he could get a drink.

Finally getting his drink, Rowan was now looking for a place to sit down for a moment. His eyes were searching but all the seats seemed to have been taken. Sipping on his whiskey, he walked around a bit, occasionally nodding his head to the beat he finally spotted an abandoned table with a couple of chairs next to it.

He made it to the table at the exact same time as another person, almost toppling them over. Quickly shooting his hand out to help them balance, he realised he was looking at what had to be the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Rowan couldn’t tear his eyes off hers, they were just so magnificent – golden circle on a bright teal base, blazing and focused on him.

“Whoa, buy me a drink first,” the woman finally broke the tension with a joke. Rowan blinked and a smile took over his face.

“Name the drink,” he shot back with a wink, which then made the woman burst into laughter. The sound was so melodious it almost drowned the blaring music in the background. “Or you could just have mine?”

“What are you drinking?” She seemed genuinely interested in his offer, that is until he replied.

“Whiskey.”

The scrunch in her face was clear enough for Rowan to understand she did not enjoy whiskey, but she did grab his hand and pulled him along. “Come on, I know where we can get more drinks.”

--

All of a sudden Rowan found himself staring at the door leading backstage. He was feeling flustered and quite honestly, a little bit anxious. He didn’t know this woman – gods, he hadn’t even caught her name, and yet here he was about to do something most probably forbidden with her. He wasn’t the type to break the rules, he was more coloring inside the lines kind of guy.

Which is what he said to the blonde whirlwind of a woman in front of him, who once more simply laughed that beautiful laugh of hers. “Come on, buzzard. Live a little!”

She then pushed the door open, still holding onto Rowan’s hand quite tightly. Not that Rowan was even trying to remove his hand from hers. He did suddenly wish he would’ve had the opportunity to tell Fenrys where he was going in case the woman turned out to be a serial killer or something. She certainly looked a bit different from the rest of the concert guests – her striking looks were deadly enough to bring Rowan with her breaking gods only knew how many rules.

Rowan had left his whiskey somewhere, and he really could’ve used it now.

The blonde pulled him inside, and the heavy black door closed behind them. Some security guards simply nodded at them which confused Rowan more than anything so far. They were breaking rules, weren’t they?

“Hey, I really don’t think we should be here,” he tried to say only to be told It’s going to be fine.

Clearly, she knew where to go, whipping past people, dodging random boxes and Rowan could do nothing but follow. The hand in his felt too nice to let go of. Once she stopped by a table with a variety of drinks, Rowan couldn’t do anything but stare.

“Go on, get whatever you want,” she said and grabbed a soda. He reached to a bottle before suddenly shaking out of his stupor.

“Wait, who exactly are you?” He asked with such force and confusion. A smile spread out on her face making her eyes twinkle.

“Oh, right. I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Aelin,” she said and again gestured towards the table. “You can have anything, just take whatever you want.”

“Rowan,” he simply stated and again reached for the bottle he had been eyeing before. He poured himself another whiskey, and suddenly he remembered something. “You called be buzzard before, what’s that about?”

“Well, it just felt right at that moment I suppose. A nickname for you. Quite fitting even if I say so myself,” the woman – Aelin – was now quietly laughing. “You can figure out a nickname for me too if it makes you feel better.”

“How about menace?”

“Hey!” She pretended to be outraged and playfully hit Rowan’s arm.

“Well, you did pull an unsuspecting man along and made him think they were doing something forbidden,” he explained with a chuckle and took a sip of his drink. Aelin’s smirk turned deadly now, which made Rowan feel something he hadn’t felt in a long while.

“Well, buzzard, who’s to say we won’t end up doing something forbidden?” She dragged a finger down his arm, making him shiver. How in the Hellas could arm be an erogenous zone, or did it have something to do with the person touching him. Rowan swallowed loudly, before taking another sip. He was way over his head with this woman.

All of a sudden, they were interrupted by a flash of another woman going by, pointing at Aelin and saying five minutes.

“Five minutes to what?” Rowan was back to being confused.

“Oh, I gotta go, but you stay and enjoy yourself, buzzard. I’ll be back,” Aelin stood up and walked away, before turning around and threw a kiss at Rowan. “You better be here.”

What on Earth is going on? Rowan wondered, threw back his drink and tried to follow Aelin, only to get lost in the maze of the hallways. He listened while the opening act screamed their thanks to the microphone and realised he was going to miss the headliner entirely if he couldn’t find his way back. Deciding to follow the music hyping up people, he somehow ended up on the side of the stage – which currently was empty.

No one was telling him to leave, though, so Rowan for once in his life decided to just stay put, even if he didn’t belong there.

What he saw next shocked him to his core.

As the headline band was making their introductions, he saw the blonde woman, Aelin, behind the keyboard with her hands moving wildly along the keys.

Then she was introduced. Ace.

Ace. Like the same Ace Fenrys had been going on and on about the past two weeks.

The same Ace Fenrys swore up and down he was in love with.

The same Ace who was the keyboardist for the headline band Rowan had come to see with his friend.

Aelin was Ace, and Rowan could not stop staring at her. Especially when her eyes suddenly found his and the glee sparkling in them made his heart flutter.

Shit.

---

Tags: @rowanaelinn | @morganofthewildfire | @tomtenadia | @leiawritesstories | @aelinchocolatelover | @backtobl4ck | @wesupremeginger | @goddess-aelin | @hiimheresworld | @swankii-art-teacher | @jorjy-jo | Let me know if you want to be added/removed from the taglist.

[thetrinitarianmystery]

When the Light's Indigo: On Heaven and Hell

---------------

When the Light's Indigo (On Heaven and Hell)

Relaxing a fist that you didn’t know was closed.

Radishes—how they wave their magenta reds Through photon fields to find me.

How mother’s voice gets softer when she sings.

Where will I go when the light’s indigo? (and oh what a silly thing to say)

But while I am still, you can bet that

Brick by brick by brick by brick(you get the point)I’ll build a bridge across the sky so—

When I have to go, when the light’s indigo, I’ll Find a certain way to find you. -------------------

From a young age, I was terrified by thoughts of hell. My conception of hell was that it was a place to which one goes if they die with a mortal sin on their conscience. It was a place of fire, eternal suffering, and torment, overseen by a super-powerful demonic overlord, Satan. By contrast, I understood heaven to be a place of bliss, reunion with one's dead relatives, and eternal dwelling in a big Disney-esque kingdom of God.

It seemed obvious to me that, given the existence of hell and heaven, the main or even sole purpose of life was to avoid hellfire and to attain a place in heaven. In fact, given even the possibility of eternal dwelling in either bliss or torment, it seemed like this should more or less be our main focus.

This is basically a reiteration of Pascal's Wager. The Wager works like this: if heaven and hell are NOT real, and if one acts as if they ARE real, then the loss one incurs over their lifetime is some finite measure of pleasure (from not doing all the "bad" or self-indulgent things that they would otherwise have done). However, if heaven and hell ARE real, and if one acts as if they are NOT, then there is risk of infinite loss. Given this situation, it seems like the safer bet is to assume the existence of heaven and hell and to act accordingly.

Many people have problematized Pascal's Wager. For example, one might note that the conception of heaven and hell as respectively eternal bliss and eternal torment is not universally held, even by Catholics. To some, hell is merely separation from God, an eternal lack of fulfillment, whereas heaven is a merger with an participation is God's ongoing creation. Moreover, if death is mere annihilation, or if there is some form of reincarnation, then the wager changes.

But I think this objection misses the point. The point is that if there is any nonzero probability at all of an eternal bliss/torment dichotomy, then by the infinite nature of eternity, any rational response to the wager turns out the same.

Another objection to this line of thinking is that the Wager focuses heavily on self-interest rather than morality or truth. Shouldn't we care about doing what is actually right and believing what is actually true, rather than just picking the safest bet? Moreover, belief and worship under duress could be seen as insincere and self-serving rather than a loving choice. An all-knowing God may "see through" such calculated belief.

To this my response is two-fold: first, if you can show me a way of discerning the ultimate "truth" of any matter, let alone one of such import as this, then I will follow you there. Until such a time, we must choose what proposed truths to endorse. Second, I'm not sure that a God that has set up an eternal bliss/torment dichotomy is so worried after all about morality and loving choices after all. It would seem like an act of great barbarism to establish such a test for humans, and such a God would seem to be concerned more with submission and worship than genuine loving and truth-seeking.

A further (and, I think, better) objection to the Wager is that it isn't clearly actionable. After all, many societies have believed in an eternal bliss/torment dichotomy, and they have different ideas about how to attain eternal bliss. Even if one accept the conclusions of Pascal's Wager, which path should they follow? How should they concretely make decisions in their life?

A simple response to this would be to choose one such society and follow its precepts. Better to guess at one than to throw up one's hands and follow none at all.

This is more or less where I stand today on Pascal's Wager. But the truth is that I don't grapple with this question anymore. Whether heaven and hell continue beyond this life I cannot say, but I am sure that they start here.

Is there a fire worse than fire? And isn't fire here, now?

And can't we already achieve a merger with God, such that we exist as a subprocess of and participant in His ongoing creation?

Indeed, Luke 17: 20-21 reads: "Once, on being asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, 'The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, nor will people say, "Here it is," or "There it is," because the kingdom of God is in your midst.'"

Heaven and hell are largely unearned states in this life. Our foremost orientation should be to "free the captives," as it were. I feel very lucky to have experienced a slice of heaven, and I wish the same for all conscious beings.

To take up this orientation is to "build a bridge across the sky," to bring the Divine and the metaphysical into contact with the everyday; and, possibly, to earn a place for oneself in heaven.

[inthe-neighbourhood]

Batfamily Fic Recs: Rare dynamics Edition

Some rare Batfamily dynamics because they can be hard to find lol

1)MY BODY'S MADE OF CRUSHED LITTLE STARS. by orpheusaki

Words: 2,116 Chapter: 1/1 Rating: G

Relationship: Duke Thomas & Bruce Wayne

Summary:

"Just a couple of orphans," Duke mumbles sadly, laughing with just enough self-deprecation that it could be passed off as genuine, "Sitting on the roof of a mansion, all alone, wallowing in our self pity. Should we start a club? Make matching bracelets?"

Bruce gives him a funny look, his eyes impossibly soft, as he whispers, "I'm not alone."

Duke turns to him with a confused frown.

"I've got you." Bruce says, like it's that simple.

(After a painful reality check, Duke and Bruce sit on the roof and look at the stars.)

Review:

I cried. It's really sweet, Bruce being a good parent? In this economy? Crazy. Jokes aside, it's genuinely nice seeing Bruce comfort Duke, and see an exploration of Duke's feelings over his parents being jokerized, because it does invite an interesting narrative and complex feelings that are handled really well by the author. If you like this fic I think you should check out their other works, they're really cool.

2) Ready or Not? by blaircow

Words: 7,740 Chapter: 2/? Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Relationships: Cassandra Cain & Jason Todd, Cassandra Cain & Dick Grayson, Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain & Damian Wayne, Cassandra Cain & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd

Summary:

“Here.” Jason pushed his plate of fries towards her. Cass stared at his potato offering with a frown before looking up at him. He huffed and tried to ignore Dick’s appraising stare. “You need to eat more.” “He’s right. You’re as thin as Tim.” Cass had the decency to look offended. “Rude.” Dick grinned at her. “You’re starting to sound like him too.”   Or, the bat siblings are continuously learning to be a family that demonstrates their love in all different ways a family can. They grow and heal together.

Review:

I love Cassandra-focused fanfictions, I think she's an interesting character. So far, this fanfic has done an excellent job exploring her relationship with Jason and Dick and has touched briefly on her dynamic with the other bats. It starts with Cassandra going to Jason's apartment and talking about love because they view it similarly. It's interesting and I can't wait to read more.

3) Look Out by alchemical_acrobat

Words: 1,369 Chapter: 1/1 Rating: Not Rated

Relationship: Stephanie Brown & Jason Todd

Summary:

“I went to a fancy party. You look like you got pulled down a Gotham sewer grate.” Jason ran a hand through his hair before proceeding to make a face at whatever the motion left on his fingers. 

“Yeah, I may as well have. But I’ll be good after a shower.” He nodded at her, and she followed his eyes to her knuckles where she gripped the sides of her legs, bruised from those punches she’d thrown earlier. “That doesn’t usually happen at a fancy party.”

- - -

Steph tells Jason about her night at a Wayne gala with a misogynistic jerk.

Review:

Honestly, I've been dying for fanfictions with Jason and Steph, but when I search it tends to be very romantic, with not a lot to choose from. It's an enjoyable fanfic, has a nice dynamic between Steph and Jason and it's sweet.

[artistryofpalmistry]

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[mas-ai]

We need to talk about Ai.

Okay, so listen - I'm both a needy simp and someone who struggles with sleeping for a multitude of reasons. I'm a massive sucker for sleep/nighttime/domestic headcanons and so I'm self-indulging here BUT ALSO.

▶ Ai is incredibly in tune with everyone's mental health, even if he doesn't really understand it - but he does know when someone is or isn't responding predictably based on the data he's collected for that person. This is amplified for Quartet Night, since moving in with everyone. Reiji's disappearing act and facing the potential disbandment of Quartet Night was devastating in a way Ai himself doesn't realize. He was literally created for Quartet Night, to sing, to be an idol. It is coded into his existence. Written into his DNA. HE LIVES FOR QUARTET NIGHT. I think since that whole situation, even though he's still very much himself and very blunt and honest and can come off as borderline uncaring, fighting or sensing stress beyond a certain threshold has him completely zeroing in on anyone who's marked as abnormal by his systems. I can come up with a whole slew of headcanons on Ai being Team Mom, but we're going to focus on sleep HC.

▶ The second Ai detects something wrong, his Team Mom programming activates.

▶ One of the most important things to mental health is sleep and just laying down isn't enough. Being an idol is extremely taxing physically and mentally and we know from SL that they're all extremely focused on looking after themselves so they can be the best they can be for their fans. So sleep quality is very important. Deep, restful sleep.

▶ Ai loves exploring scents and has an entire collection of oils, both essential oils and fragrance oils, not to mention he probably has a small collection of bath and shower products (not that he can use them but he gets them for research purposes and he just likes nice-smelling things). So the moment he realizes someone is a little off or tensions are high in the QN apartment, he diffuses it - literally - with calming/soothing oils in a diffuser and getting luxury baths ready for everyone. He's meticulous with what goes into them from scents, to bubble bath, bath bomb, salts, oils, candles, everything. It's endearing how well he knows them and what they will like and what will help them feel at ease.

▶ Reiji's certainly picked up that this is one of Ai's love languages and how he shows affection, so he's probably the most moved.

▶ Ranmaru drops whatever fight he's having with Camus because he doesn't like Ai near water and usually winds up helping, which results in Ai teaching him about all the different things even though Ranmaru doesn't know the difference and Ranmaru asks some questions that prompt Ai to do more research (why does x scent go with y, what the heck is bath milk, wait whats this body scrub the label fell off and the scent is so good even though it's probably like fruity floral and ranmaru doesn't realize, hey wouldn't it be fun if we released bath bombs in our colours and favourite scents for fans to enjoy) and so even though it doesn't really register that he feels loved since Ranmaru is showing interest in what Ai likes.

▶ Camus doesn't pay attention at first, but has noticed the quality of the baths are extremely relaxing and he's found several new products he genuinely enjoys and while he'd never begin to say anything about liking it, he's tried to make a few himself and they're never as nice as what Ai can do - so he picks fights with Ranmaru just so Ai will start up his little routine sometimes.

▶ The above can absolutely turn into a full QN thing, where Ranmaru will make snacks to have after the bath. Reiji will set up the living room with blankets, pillows, and a nice movie. Camus will make teas, which, Ai also wants to learn about. He'll follow everyone around like a puppy asking why they're doing all those things - and they'll humor him for a while. But Reiji is the one who really catches him off guard with, "AiAi, we do this for the same reason you turned on the diffuser and ran the bath. Why did you do that for us?" Cue Ai having a small crisis and then questioning why he started that and then he realizes he loves his bandmates. QN simps so hard for each other and Reiji is the only one that realizes it and it makes Reiji so, so, so happy when others are showing affection and care for one another.

▶ Ai doesn't get in the bath, as he's not waterproof - but you bet he'll be keeping anyone company who wouldn't mind having him. A selection of music, or he'll sing himself - tell a story, or just sit in peace and quiet. He rests his head on the side of the bath and sometimes dozes off a little.

▶ You can't tell me that Ai doesn't have the cutest, softest sleepwear complete with a robe and fluffy socks or slippers. He'll make sure anyone he's looking after has just as cozy, cute sleepwear.

▶ He is THE BEST to snuggle up with to rest.

▶ He'll ask ten thousand questions when first climbing into bed about sleep preferences from the side of the bed to the texture of the pillowcase, and optimal sleeping positions. Wait - why is his hair being played with? Why is he being touched? What is spooning? Why does he feel so … Oh. This feels nice. Yes. He likes this.

▶ By default, he runs a little warm temperature-wise as he is a robot, but if his systems detect that you're too warm he'll cool off and regulate temperatures throughout the night. If you're too cold he'll be able to heat up and be a heating pad.

▶ Usually cuddling with a human involves an arm or leg being shoved in an uncomfortable position where you can't feel it after a while and pins and needles after finally getting blood flow back to it, but this isn't an issue with Ai. Reiji needs some deep-pressure hugs or to be laid on for a little while? Ai can do that for hours. Camus likes to be held and have his hair played with until he falls asleep? Ai's hands are happy to keep playing with those beautiful strands all night. Ranmaru likes to rest his head on someone's chest but constantly worries he's uncomfortable or crushing? Ai can handle it. Anyone wakes up in the middle of the night and needs to toss, turn, roll over, get up, or anything? Ai won't be bothered. You won't disturb him in the slightest.

▶ Ai is able to detect when anyone is having nightmares or isn't comfortable and over time, predict those things. He won't know at first, as it will take time for him to gather data, but eventually, he can tell from the way Reiji's breath hitches that he's having a nightmare and needs to be stirred awake gently or he'll soothe him. He knows when Camus isn't really sleeping all that well, worried about work and not letting himself fully relax and is just barely asleep waiting for his phone to go off or his alarm to wake him - Ai snuggles into him all warm and cozy and Camus just melts into a deeper sleep. He knows when Ranmaru's uncomfortable and needs to shift around or wants water and he'll just grab the cup he set next to the bed. If someone's sick he'll know the time to stir them and give them their medicine.

▶ A night with Ai is one of the most soothing, relaxing, and peaceful - and absolutely the best sleep you've ever had in your life.

▶ Ai does this all happily and willingly, but then the next morning doesn't see the purpose in any of it and thinks it was a failed experiment. Until everyone's working much harder, way better, and everyone is so much more productive and happier.

▶ QN loves each other so much and sleeping next to Ai would be the best experience.

[pumpkachubby]

Buried feelings

It’s been a while since last time I posted a new episode but here we are back at it! This time we have a chapter focused in Crescente and Guester, where what was supposed to be a lesson in magic quickly turned to the unexpected.

(from now on all new chapters will be acompanied by a map showing who will be featured and where, since many people will be traveling all around Galar)

Make sure to check the Story Archive for past chapters!

I can’t say that my relationship with Guester is bad, but until now we never really had a chance to connect, we are more like acquaintances than actual friends, if it wasn’t for Koh and Petrov we probably would have never meet each other and yet, here we are, alone in a meeting room of the Obsidian Guild.

And I’m pissed off at him.

Koh asked me to help him with his current interest in magic, according to my mother he has great potential in plant-based magic  (although almost every plant-type hybrid like us has it, it’s hard to master, even harder than training to use the pokemon moves of our individual species) and since I really need a distraction from my own problems I said yes without giving it much thought… and oh boy I am regretting it.

“Can you please stop that?” - I shouted, making him drop the thread he was trying to pass through his absurdly large needle, but he immediately went back to it.

“What’s wrong? I told you I lost my witch hat to that damn corviknight, so I’m trying to make a new one!”

“Where should I start…” - I said, taking off my glasses and rubbing my eyelids in frustration- “Do you see me wearing a witch hat? Don’t you think there must be a reason behind it?”

“...Fashion sense? No offense but until now you have always been wearing that boring barista outfit, if it wasn’t for your scarf you wouldn’t stand out at all…” - He replied without looking at me. It's been like this since Koh brought him earlier today. I tried to give him some basic guide on the magic he claims to be interested but all he has cared for is that stupid hat that he really, REALLY shouldn’t wear.

I took a deep breath to control my urges to strangle him with my scarf, murder is illegal after all, even if he just dragged my fashion sense in the floor. I stepped closer and tried to make…. a more direct approach.

“You know the difference between pokemon powers and magic, right?” - I asked, touching the fabric he was trying to sew ,in an act that would make Koh crawl in pain, without even properly cutting it in the proper shape of a hat.

“Aren't they basically the same?” - He replied, trying to get it away from me, but it was too late, I was already holding it tight. -“I mean, both are powers that come from within us, right?”

“Correct, but they are very different. Pokemon powers and abilities are very limited to our types, and human cannot learn to use them, but magic isn’t, you see…” - I said as I set on fire the fabric on my hand, although you would say it looked more like it was disintegrating in sparks, quickly reaching his hands, making him step back in shock - “... there are no limits on what you can learn to do with magic.”

Guester stood there in awe, now that I think about it it was probably the first time he had seen me use magic. Sure everyone had come to the coffee shop while lost ghosts gather at night but he in particular never saw me do anything practical like this. After a few seconds he finally spoke again.

“That was… SO COOL!!!” - He said jumping in excitement - “I wanna do that too!”

“You will if you are willing to listen and learn…” - I replied, walking back to my original seat. - “Honestly why aren’t you paying more attention? You show genuine interest and yet all you have done is ignore my lesson…”

“Well… because you are boring.” - He said with no hesitation, looking straight into my eyes.

“E- Excuse me???”

“Yeah, and I already know all of that plant stuff, mom taught me. Do you realize you are trying to teach about plants to a person who, quite literally, was born in a greenhouse? I learned all that before I even knew how to read…”

“I didn’t know that! Also, what do you mean I’m boring?? I’m trying my best to make it interesting!”

“Well… I wasn’t talking about the lesson when I said that…” 

My scarf quickly grabbed him by the legs, holding him tight upside down mid-air. Did he not realize that I can literally destroy him in as many ways I want if I felt like it? I can’t understand him at all! But I needed to calm down, he is a precious friend of my boyfriends, and way too many people know we are both here after all.

 “What the hell do you mean by that, uh?” - I said, looking at his sad upside-down face, probably just noticing how he just insulted me.

“I’m sorry I can’t help it! I always thought you were boring! You are always stuck at home, even after your mother came back and did the renovations, with the excuse of having to take care of the shop, yet you don’t really have to do much there besides a couple of very specific nights per month. You have all this power and yet you don’t want to use it! And you know what I will say it: I don’t get what Koh and Petrov see in you! They should have just been a couple and I would have been able to mo-” - He said, suddenly covering his own mouth with his hands, quickly getting flustered and it wasn’t because of his current position.

I had to sit down.

I should be angry, but deep down I agreed.

“... what?” - I asked - “Listen, I’m- I am aware I’m not the most interesting person around, but I just like the way things are, I don’t… do well with changes… and I’m the first person to notice that if I wasn’t around they probably would have ended up together sooner, I’m very aware of that and believe me I don’t know why they are with me either… I…”

“Sorry…” - He apologized, trying to rub my head but only managing to mess with my hair - “It’s just… how to say this… Petrov was my…” - His face was red as a tomato so I pulled him down, he quickly grabbed another chair and sat in front of me. - “Is there… is there any magic you have to conceal this room?”

“Done” - I said as I lifted a finger, creating the most powerful barrier I knew. There was a conversation we needed to have right here and right now. - “What’s up with Petrov?”

“I hate myself for this, I really do” - He said, clenching his fists - “But when you three got together I… was so jealous…”

“Why? Aren’t you happy with Harold?”

“I am! I trully am! I want to live my life along his side!... But, how to say this…”

“Calm down, just be direct.”

“Ok… - He replied after a few seconds in doubt, taking a deep breath - “Petrov was my first crush, I realized I liked boys because of him, you could say it was love at first sight. Back then when he was a small and slim insecure pumpkaboo, I fell hard for him, but he never corresponded with my feelings, and I’m quite sure he never even realized it…” - He declared abruptly, at the border of tears, I quickly jumped to hug him because I knew that feeling too well. - “I don’t know why! I tried really hard but he never realized it! Hell, even Rompt noticed it and he is probably the most useless when it comes to relationships and emotions, but Petrov, he just… never looked back at me in any other way than a friend, so at a certain point I decided to move on, I even had something with Rompt for a year, and while the sex was fantastic we decided it was best if we would remain as friends when Petrov came back to town and-”

“Wait wait a moment, you just dropped a lot of information I wasn't aware of… You and Rompt?”

“Yeah, he wasn’t my first boyfriend but we dated for almost a year after he and Koh broke up.”

“WAIT WHAT!??”

“Ups” - He said, stopping halfway getting up from his chair to leave the room, probably remembering he asked me to put on a barrier.

“Have everyone in this friend group had secret feelings for each other this whole time and I didn’t know anything at all?”

“Oh me and Rompt had more than feelings, Horacio should be grateful because he was so messy when we started, but I had way more experience in bed so I taught him well.” - He said so proudly you wouldn’t believe he was about to cry minutes ago - “You really need to work on your perception, don’t you know any spells to boost it or something?”

“Ok, I think you have dragged me enough already, let's keep the focus on you. So, you were jealous because Koh and I got into a relationship with him yet he was never able to see you as a potential boyfriend?”

“Exactly! And I know how messed up that is! And yet why do I feel this way?”

“Well I think it's normal, seeing someone achieve something you wanted for years and give up will always hurt a little. All you can do now is focus on your present and future. It's not like you have romantic feelings for him left, right?”

“Oh yeah, haha. Sorry for dropping such a bomb out of nowhere, it’s been a weird couple of days, I’d be lying if I said I’m not a bit resentful to Harold, I love him but he can be a bit too stubborn, including his stupid bird that steals hats… Why did it do that? It’s not even shiny!”

“That’s normal, it is a corviknight after all. Historically they have always been in good relationships with magic users so they don’t take such offenses lightly.”

“Offense?”

“Yeah! The reason why I don’t wear a witch hat is because it’s an important sign of status in our society, if you receive one it means that you are a fully matured sorcerer, it’s not just a costume, it’s quite literally a manifestation of our power and wisdom in us hybrids.”

“Like an evolution?” 

“Yes, normally we don’t mind when children wear them as a costume, but when an apprentice does… you should be glad you are not part of a formal academy, you would have been expelled at best.”

“That sounds… dangerous… Sorry, I’m really sorry I really didn’t know, I mean the only witch I know is your mother and she wears it quite often.”

“Don’t worry, she is a mismagius and they have a natural gift for magic. It’s fine, if I have learned something about you today is that you get carried away way too easily and hard at the same time, you really need some self-control, I don’t know what would have happened if you had told Harold about this…”

“Oh he is fine, he knows. Do you remember the day we forced you to talk about your feelings for each other? I told him all about it that same night…”

“Then why are you trying to be so secretive about it?”

“Because it would be a problem if someone overheard it in this place, don’t you think? Better be safe…” - I had to agree with him on that, while I’m sure most of the staff are trustworthy, we are still new to this environment. - “Oh, but I won’t apologize for calling you boring by the way. I may need some self-control but you need to learn how to let loose more, you can’t live without change! Life isn’t that simple, right? There are many things we can’t control, like your current weight situation.”

“Wow you really went for my throat, didn't you?”

“I can do it better. You are a spoiled brat, you have everything and yet you decide to stay in mediocrity, even when your mother quite literally pushed you out of your house to have more experiences in the outside world you haven’t gone out of the guild building for anything else than trying to find food to get back on shape, don’t you? Do yourself a favor and get out of your comfort zone for once!”

“But-”

“No buts! We are going to make you get that witch hat!”

“Wait, what?”

“You said that only mature witches get one, right? Then I think having an apprentice will help you with that!” - He declared proudly - “And who knows, maybe you will find a way to get your body back in shape.”

“That’s what I like to hear!” - Said Petrov from outside the room, opening both doors and having to kneel down a little to get inside the room.

“Woah Petrov you really have become huge!” - Reacted Guester by seeing his old friend for the first time in a couple of days- “Wait, didn’t you had a barrier?” - He asked, looking at me.

“Yeah… and it was strong enough to resist a hyper beam… did I become rusty?”

“Oh babe don’t worry about it, it wouldn’t be the first thing I break without realizing in the last couple of days after all…” - Said Petrov scratching his head - “And well, your mother did say you need to work more on your magic… Now that I think about it, weren't you supposed to study plant magic? what are you doing inside a dark room?”

“He is right! We need to be in contact with nature!” - Replied Guester, quickly grabbing me by the hips and hanging my slim body to his left shoulder - “I will have to borrow one of your boyfriends for a couple of days Petrov, I promise I will take good care of him!”

“I know you will, and if you get into trouble don’t hesitate to call me, ok?”

“Of course!” - Replied my captor, happily running away from the building and into the wild area, he didn’t let go of me until it was very late and he realized we forgot to bring any camping equipment, thankfully I knew how to improvise with magic.

I wonder how far this adventure will take me, but at least now that I’m closer to Guester I can be more positive about it, and who knows? Maybe he is right and I will find a way to cure me.

[anewinterpretation]

Ready for a story about growing up with undiagnosed autism? Buckle up.

TL;DR: Being a BIPOC diagnosed with autism later in life means having gotten in unnecessary trouble as a kid because you weren't listened to and/or weren't taken seriously.

I once told a teacher I didn't want to do something that scared me then got in trouble for screaming when my senses overloaded after being forced to do it anyway. I didn't understand why I was in trouble then, and honestly, I do not understand it now either.

Details below 👇🏾

So I know we all dwell on various parts of our childhoods for various reasons but for some reason today, my brain chose a very specific incident from a 5th grade field trip so since I can't get it out of my head, I'm making it everyone's problem. For additional context, it was a trip to a historical site you can go to the top of, and the ride up is not a smooth one (very bumpy, at an angle, often breaks down).

We had been split up into groups of 5 or 6 kids + 1 chaperone. I was very notably afraid of heights at the time. I did not like being off the ground at all (still don't), let alone in a confined space like an elevator or amusement park ride surrounded by people. I told the chaperone very clearly that I was not interested in going to the top of the monument and would rather stay in the museum. Since this random parent didn't know what to do with a 10 year old who can't be by herself, she took me to my teacher (fair).

Now the teacher is where the problem lies. She asked the parent to explain the situation and then turned to me to tell me I couldn't separate from my group and had to go with them. I said, in no uncertain terms, that I did not want to go because I was afraid, and that I would rather remain in the museum with literally any other adult. But instead of simply letting me temporarily be with a different chaperone, my teacher forced me to go on this ride with my assigned group. I tried to argue, but was ignored and dismissed entirely.

So here I am, a 10 year old autistic girl on a creaky, swaying, angled elevator that kept suddenly stopping. I'm scared out of my mind, so I start screaming. Like.... S C R E A M I N G. No one was listening to me, and at the time, it seemed like the only way to get any of my concerns addressed and make that nightmare stop as soon as possible. We get to the top and my teacher is up there asking who was screaming. So, I was honest about it and said it was me.

And I got in so much trouble.

She chewed me out for like 5 minutes about the scene I made and how I can't act like that in public and how I was making the school look bad and disrupting everyone's day. I wasn't actually paying that much attention because I was staring out the window and had tuned her out and focused on [landmark I like].

Now, in hindsight, I clearly know what happened. Now I know it was a sensory overload brought on because I was experiencing several sensations I was deeply uncomfortable with, and I had no effective way to communicate that. Hence, the screaming. Then there was a genuine lack of understanding for why I was in trouble (or its significance) since I'd explicitly told this same woman not 30 minutes prior that I did not want to be up there.

In my mind, whatever she was mad about was her fault and her problem. And since I was uncomfortable (in more ways than one), I picked something that brought me comfort and hyper focused on it.

In hindsight, my reactions to the situation were VERY NORMAL REACTIONS for a person with autism.

And I can't help but think, what if I had been diagnosed as a child instead of in my 20s? Would they have taken my concerns seriously, knowing I was autistic? Would I have had a better repertoire of skills to be able to communicate my concerns without screaming? Would anything have gone differently at all (because I am black so I very well could have still been dismissed as having behavioral problems)?

Remember, autism presents differently in those afab and in non-white folks. An autistic kid that does not normally present with the stereotypical signs of autism can still meltdown at any moment. Pay attention when they try to communicate signs of trouble.