#we need more floof guys

[blobee]

Spahder Claf

Paper is great

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hello... again! Are you hyperfixated on RedactedAudio?

Do you want (need) to know who to follow to cultivate your dashboard and feed your gremlin brain good, good boyfriend roleplay content and my first recommendation post of magnificent fan-artists and fan-writers wasn't enough dopamine for you?

Cool, I’ve got you, and I’ve got even more hyperlinks. Buckle up.

(Note: This is by no means a comprehensive, objective, or complete list, as I have biases and favorites and limited time. If you feel I've missed someone, please feel free to reblog with your additions! I just would have loved a guide like this when I got into the fandom back in August 2022 and wanted to spread some positivity~!)

Fanfiction:

@agentplutonium: they/them

Pluto is just one of the many gorgeous people who've migrated to Tumblr now that Twitter is, ya know, on fire. I've been following them on Tiktok for ages, and I'm so pleased they joined us on tumblr now! Highlights: "Constant" and "Inconvenience" mean the world to me, because there are just not enough aspec headcanons in the fandom, we could always have more.

@angelicaether: they/them

Aether is a fucking gem unto this fandom- not only do they run Sky Side, a friendly, closeknit (hehe) server for 21+ Redacted fans but they also were who we have to thank for Redacted Kinktober 2023, bless them~ Highlights: New Job Posting is magnificent if you’re in the mood for some David/Angel smut today and this cute couple crossover fic if you’re feeling more SFW!

@caelumsnuff: they/them

Phoenix is magnificent, creative, and endlessly sweet. I also respect the hell out of anyone that can take the anon hate that they get with as much grace and attitude as they do /gen /pos Highlights: I love this gift for the Quinn-fuckers they wrote, I do, but I have to admit I'm partial to the Imperium!Vincent/Imperium!Asher piece they did, because their tension and hatred was just too palpable to deny, I needed it.

@empydoc: any pronouns

Empy's Soul Eater AU has not only taken over my life but has also got me deeply wanted a Soul Eater rewatch. God forbid xe succeed because this post has already been delayed enough /j Highlights: I love the Marcus/Asset post, because that's my favorite pairing but also because Asset as both an android and a weapon is so, so interesting. Blake/Bestie's is also a particular gem, because being a meister just gives him a new dimension to his manipulation and I love it.

@floofdeloop: she/her

Not only is Floof a beloved fic writer but she's also one of the adored DJs of the fandom. Are you really a fan if you haven't looked up Redacted on Spotify and saved all her playlists? /j Highlights: Her whole playlist page is literally so good, but I love the cute, domestic vibes of this Geordi one or the tragic, angsty, Britrock vibes of this Porter playlist~!

@joshusten: they/them

Sten is one of if not the writer that comes to mind when you're looking for amazing Guy/Honey content! Highlights: Bitter Melon is my personal favorite of their work; what can I say? I'm a sucker for a little jealousy in my fics. You also can't miss Honeysuckle, their most recent piece which gets into Guy's canonically less-than-pure mind~

@pinksparkl: she/her

Gosh, where would we be without her? Pink never has a bad word or thought for anyone and just persists in being a delightful, sweet presence in the fandom. Highlight: I can't decide what I'm more obsessed with- their Adam-centric fic exploring the Progeny/Maker bond or their nsfw Gavin-centric with his tail exploring Freelancer nudge nudge wink wink

@redlikeredacted: they/them

Just as their blog says, they are the CEO of Dasher. In my head, they are the president of both the David/Asher and the Autistic!David fan clubs, and I'd vote for them a second and third term okay I love Red Highlights: Their "David bottoming for the first time" fic is everything to me okay I am here for nothing but this except maybe this Milo fic where he gets Aggro~

@teafairywithabook: she/they

A lovely writer, voice actor, and person, Cheri does it all! With a whole 34 Redacted works on AO3, they are a must-follow. Highlights: I'll provide the masterlist of previously mentioned works, but I must recommend her nsfw Avior/Starlight fic keeping us sated until we finally get an Avior BA and their fic of Alexis's POV of Sam's turning I couldn't not okay I'm just a person I have biases

@tepid-judas: he/they/it

My favorite Adam stan, my friend, and the person who converted me into an Adam/Brighteyes shipper, I thank Judas every day for that. Highlights: I love their series of epistolary fics, because who doesn’t love a good letter, but I would be remiss if I didn’t rec his DAMN polycule plus Xavier fic cause fuck canon let's add frosty the snowman to the orgy /lh

@themonotonysyndrome: she/her

Lady, my dearest friend and greatest foe~ How else do I describe the gorgeous, sociable, friendly person who bought Alexis/Christian into the world and ruined my life? (affectionate) Highlights: Let these two assholes in love take you on a ride, fall in love with them too. If that's not your vibe, I cannot recommend enough her insane, gen z Bright Eyes being an absolute fucking terror /pos

Fanart:

@androgynouspenguinexpert

Can YOU believe Penguin's only been posting art since, like, December? I certainly can't, because it's like they've drawn every boy at this point and each is as smoochable and adorable as the last. Highlights: Their Porter is one of my favorites; what can I say? Who can resist this high ponytail and cape combo? I also love their Hush, cause look at him~! He's adorable! Penguin gives all these boys such luscious, floofable hair; I love them!

@cute-brainz: she/they/it

Kindly, lovingly, respectfully, Cute's listeners designs reduce me to a sniveling, simpering puddle of a simp. I become nothing but a humble, simple straight man, and none of you came blame me good god their listeners are hotter than all the redacted men- Highlights: Like, look at their Lovely: the hair, the singlet, the VIBES? Fuckin irresistible; like Vincent, I'd give them anything their heart desires. And their ANGEL? The MINUTE David Shaw fumbles that bag, I'm on my knees with a ring hello earth angel will you be mine

@darling-solaire

Darl has been posting art for only a month and a half at the writing of the post, and yet I feel like I've loved their Solaires for forever. They, as a unit, are hot and tragic as fuck, and I love them. Highlights: I am obsessed, particularly, with the Solaire family portraits, but maybe that's because my girl Alexis is up there, and I love her. There's also this bust compilation of more Redacted boys in case you didn't find your favorite in the Solaires~!

@free-boundsoul: she/her

Okay so, like, vibe with me did you ever love Lisa Frank products with the bright, saturated colors and sparkling eyes but wish instead of cuddly animals that there were really hot men? Then Savvie is the artist for you~ Highlights: One, it's fun to see a Regulus that's not blue, okay? It's thinkin outside the box. Two, the CRACKS? WITH THE GOLD PEEKING THROUGH? I'm inconsolable my god. Speaking of daemons, Fool!Gavin is sort of everything to me. He's just really rocking that sweater vest!

@hotmcrodz: he/they

I know for a fact that I'm not the only one obsessed with the way Jai draws human anatomy. I have unironically seen a Jai piece in the tag and gone "WOWZA" like I'm Jim Carrey in The Mask; that's what they do to me. Highlights: This Milo was one of the pieces that made my eyes pop out my head like a cartoon wolf; I think it's the shirtlessness plus the muscle pose. I just couldn't handle it. I also reacted like that to their Babe because I am an equal opportunity pervert /hj

@izzuku: he/they

Izzuku designs characters with the most realistic and gorgeous body types; like, I love the soft jawlines and how warm and touchable they draw skin. Every Izzuku design is kissable as hell. Highlights: I have to recommend his Regulus and Hush designs, obviously, they're my favorite men. However, I can't let the world go by another rotation without recommending this special Halloween version of Vincent~!

@kilarthmac: she/they

In case we needed another reason to love and appreciate the iconic timestamping account we all recognize from the Redacted comments, we cannot neglect their fanart! Highlights: Like, look at this brought-back-wrong Vega! This Hush with his cute face and off-putting air! He's so cute and so weird! I also love this piece they've done for one of my favorite rarepairs, Imperium!Lasko/Adam~

@latenightsleeper: he/they/it/she

My kinfolk and my beloved, one of the few people who understand me and the vision that is beautiful, blonde, dumb and lovable Christian. They will give you so many feelings about Darlin and Christian, and they will cause you agony /pos Highlights: Obviously, I'm obsessed with the Tank/Christian art like this one (Christian is just so cuuute), but we're all obsessed with this Sam/Darlin animatic set to Eat Your Young.

@maxpaulll

An amazing artist that I'm so glad we managed to get to migrate to Tumblr from Twitter so I could put them on this list~ Highlights: I am obsessed always with their Indigenous character designs, especially David. Like, look at him, he's indescribably beautiful, outshone by no one except maybe Max's Imp!Vega, because oh my god look at him~

@nortyourself: she/her

I don't think there's anyone who's not obsessed with at least one of Rachel's pieces; like, I believe she'll get to every Redacted man with the speed and beauty she works. Even Reticuli has gotten the Rachel treatment and been made hot af. Highlights: Technically, this Imperium!Damien just takes me breath away; like, it would be blown up and framed in his palace (for all of his short and tempestuous reign). Personally, her Hush has a dear and special place in my heart. He's just my favorite~!

@penncilkid: any pronouns

One of the most gorgeous and darling and non-stop creators in the space! They're a true triple threat, kicking our hearts in the butt with their art, their writing, and their audio roleplay series~ Highlights: With so many mediums under their belt, it's so hard to choose. If you're looking for purely Redacted content, their art is prolific and so creative, I've got to share the whole gallery. If you're in the market for a new VA to fall in love with, you've got to check out their youtube channel~!

@pycth: any pronouns

I dont have anything creative or profound to say here- all of pycth's designs are smoking hot and would render me selectively mute with a glance, 'nuff said. Highlights: How can I PICK? Ugh, hottest of the hot that comes to mind has got to be their President Moore art; like, this pose isn't FAIR. On the other end of the spectrum, if you want your heart kicked in the butt, I don't think any of us are over this Sam piece or ever will be.

@rainingcatsandjune: any pronouns

Another new artist who's only been here since April, and yet- I would die for his and his fine-ass, touchable Sam. Like, hell, render any man pretty like that, and I'll die for him. That's how pretty this art is. Highlights: Like, look at him. How does one do anything but look at him, especially in this pose? Again, look at him! Look at the hands. The soft, touchable glow and how it lights and shades his and Darlin's skin. The broad shoulders good god~

@sainthowlzon: they/he

You can't turn a corner on tumblr without seeing some of Howl's adorable Scribble Dolls or Icons! (Or any other social media actually. I feel like I've deffo seem some of Howl's icons on Tiktok too.) They're cute, they're iconic, and there's one for almost everyone! Highlights: Here's that full set of icons for your perusal; my personal favorite is Asset's. And here's the full set of Redacted Scribble Dolls; my favorite is Regulus, I think, because of his freaky vibes, but it's so hard to pick!

@sincerelywhistler: any pronouns

Like everyone with a working set of eyes and a beating heart, I am obsessed with all of Wes's designs; like, who wouldn't fall in love at first sight with all those beautiful and often shirtless people? Highlights: There's honestly too many to pick from, but I'll TRY. Their Gavin is an absolute must, I share it with the Discord on sight, he's that it girl if you will. Oh, and one cannot neglect Avior's HBS piece; I'm not even an Avior girlie, and I was like daaaaaamnnnnnnn~

@slushiepizza: they/them

Where would all the guy-lovers be without Slushie and their absolute cornucopia of Guy and Honey delights? Like, where else would we get our homemade, MacGyver'd serotonin? Highlights: The "Everyday" series is everything to me, and I mean everything; Guy has become too relatable and has struck me right in the heart. If you're not in a Guy mood, I'm also in love with their older, cozy Anton~!

@s0lairee: she/they

Jo's style is just so clean, so cute, and I really love it when they play with lighting in their pieces. Like, we are almost, almost there to making me stan Vincent if you're gonna drape him in moonlight like that... Highlights: ...thought, if I had to pick, I'd probably lean more towards Vincent's partner. They're rocking the red eyes, I love them! I'm also obsessed with their freckle-y, sweet Lasko, because who isn't?

@strawberrybouvine: he/they

The artistic equivalent of gourmet candy, I am absolutely obsessed with the gorgeous colors of Jasper's art and cannot get enough of the sweetness! Is this sugar running through my veins or unparalleled cuteness? Highlights: I'm not even a David stan but, like, jesus christ, the long hair and hairy chest makes me want to go feral. Don't even get me started on the cuteness of his chibi art, I really will start foaming at the mouth.

@theflowersaremine

I don't know exactly what medium Haylin uses or what colors or effects they use, but goddamn it makes those men so dreamy. I'm not even a Sam stan, but that's a smoochable man right out of Gilmore Girls /pos Highlights: Like, are you seeing the Gilmore Girls vision? That's a handsome man from a wholesome show geared for women- almost as handsome as this art of David. I see this smile in my dreams; it's so beautiful.

@venuslove-28: any pronouns

Venus's art is strawberry and vanilla soft serve injected straight into my heart; it's so familiar and cute, so charming, and I want to stim and bounce in excitement when I see it. Does that make sense? It'll make sense when you see it. Highlights: Personally, I have never and I will never stop thinking about this Huxley, I am simply not capable. Their Avior is also cuter than all get-out, I must admit.

@wingless-cupid

I don't think anyone does cute and colorful and pastel and kawaii quite like Cupid. You can't help but look and admire all the eye-catching colors and then want to hug their cheery, dynamic characters! Highlights: I'm highkey obsessed with their Freelancer and DAMNily and all their d(a)emons in general. Like, look at this! Minh is such a cutie and a simp, I love them! I'm also constantly thinking about this art in particular, because look at all these PRICELESS EXPRESSIONS!

@yoteako: he/it

Would you like stunning, high quality art and tragic, old man yaoi on your dash? That's a silly question; of course you do which is why we're going to follow and love on Yote. Highlights: See how beautiful, doomed, and intimate this multi-page comic is about two characters who've never canonically spoken? That's devotion. On the less forsaken side of the narrative, their Gavin/Lasko ship art is embedded into my heart.

If you’re reading all the way here, I hope you found the post helpful and smiled while making your way through it! Or both! The RedactedAudio fandom is truly one of my favorite spaces on the internet; it’s so intimate and creative, and I’ve found some amazing, perfect friends here, so I hope you will too 💖

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Angel Dust: “D’ya ever get a weird feelin’ about this place?”

Husk: “Yeah. Sweet an sickening. Like fucking syrup.”

Angel Dust: “NEVER fuck usin’ syrup UGH.”

Niffty: “I think the floor right under the second story banister railings feels weirdest! Almost bouncy when you SMASH into it!”

Angel Dust: “Not what I meant, NFT. It’s more like-”

SOMETHING: (blurs past the open door behind them)

Door: (...crreeeeks softly on it’s hinges...)

Them: (turns and stare)

Angel Dust: “…it’s like, a cold draft, innit?”

Husk: (spooked) (fur fluffed) “Cheap as fuck place. Run down.”

Niffty: “Prime roach real estate!”

Angel Dust: “Unsettlin’. The word I’m lookin’ for is, unsettlin’.”

EYES: (blink open and glow in the shadowy corner above them.)

Angel Dust: “Creepy, even.”

EYES: (rotate 360 degrees) (still staring)

Angel Dust: “I dunno. Don’t ya just get the shivers sometimes in here? Brr.” (shudders)

Husk: “Guess the eternal pep can be kinda fucked up from the owner. No one in hell is really that fucking happy all the fucking time.”

Niffty: “I AM!!!”

Husk: “No one who’s not fucking Niffty is that happy in hell.”

Niffty: “I LOVE it here. You only got to die ONCE back in the living world.”

Angel Dust: “Once should be enough for anyone, Niffters.”

Niffty: (giggling) “Not for me! Not when it's comes to eating spiders.”

Husk: “Oh FUCK that-”

Niffty: “Think the thing watching us right now also eats spiders?”

Husk: “…”

Angel Dust: “…”

EYES: (blink) (vanish)

The Three of Them: (turn and stare)

Angel Dust: “….Husker? Any room in ya bed for guy who doesn’t wanna be alone tonight?”

Husk: “Fuck no. Anyone tries getting in my room tonight is being served a motherfucking Molotov cocktail on the house.”

Angel Dust: “I can make it worth ya while. Tire us both out so’s maybe we can get some actual sleep.”

Husk: “You think I’m gonna fucking sleep?”

Niffty: “Sometimes I eat the spiders in my sleep…”

Husk: “Niffty, I need you fucking shut up talking in that creepy little girl voice.”

Niffty: “Okay! But whyyyy~?”

Husk: “THAT’S fucking WHY.”

Angel Dust: “-shh! SHH SHHHH! D’ya hear that!?”

Husk: “Wh- don’t fucking touch me-”

Angel Dust: (strangling him a little with holding) “Husk holy shit!”

Husk: (claws out) (super floofed) “What? WHAT??”

Niffty: “Ohhh…..”

Angel Dust: “It’s COMIN’!”

Niffty: “Nooo it’s naaaw-auuuught~”

Husk: “WELL WHICH THE FUCK IS IT-!?”

Niffty: “It’s Here~”

SOMETHING: (drops in from the open window)

Them: (SCREAM)

Vaggie: “Have you guys seen- Stop screaming it’s just me- have any of you seen Charlie around?”

Husk: “FUCK! FUCK!!!”

Angel Dust: “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MISS I CUNT USE THE FREAKING DOORS!”

Husk: “FUUUCK ME FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF THIS-”

Niffty: “Aww.” (slumps) “Hi Vaggie….”

Vaggie: “Yeah hey… What’s got into you all?”

Angel Dust: “Into US? YoU-”

Niffty: “We’ve been terrified. It’s been fun!”

Husk: “YOUR FUCKING SHIT HOTEL IS FUCKING HAUNTED! Shit!”

Angel Dust: “You and ya rich girlfriend have hell’s worst unpaying guest creepin’ around, and ya wonder what’s up with US?!?!”

Vaggie: “Oh. So you have seen her.”

Niffty: “Ohhh…! It’s a her!”

Angel Dust: “HER WHO WHO HER YOU KNOW THE WHORE OF HAUNTING?”

Vaggie: “Sure. And don’t fucking call her that.”

Husk: “I don’t wanna fucking know I don’t wanna fucking know I don’t wanna I don’t wanna no no no fuck NO-”

Vaggie: (rolls eye)

Vaggie: “Sweetie? Can you stop with the friendship notes and come out now?”

Something: (from shadows) “I’m bi!”

Vaggie: (smiles) “Out in the open where they can see you, babe.”

Charlie: “Aww, Vaggieeee…” (slips out of shadows with notebook and pout) “You’re messing with the sterile observed conditions and data collection. They were bonding!”

Angel Dust: “TOOTS!?”

Husk: “Oh.. fuck… you.”

Vaggie: “They sure were clinging to each other at least.”

Husk: “Fuck you MORE I fucking wasn’t.”

Angel Dust: “TOOTS I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!”

Vaggie: “Weren’t stopping him from climbing you like a tree though, were you?”

Charlie: “Sorry about that, Angel Dust. I just got so excited-”

Husk: “Get. Fucked.”

Vaggie: “My girlfriend takes care of that already thanks.”

Angel Dust: “EXCITED? To be stalkin’ a guy like he’s a freaking gazelle on a shitty nature doc that skips all the fucking an’ only shows the non-sexy rippin’ an tearin’ an eatin’ alive bits!?”

Charlie: “Well-”

Niffty: “Hi Charlie! Were you watching us like bugs in a bug trap? Right before they get SQUISHED?”

Charlie: “-um no. No I wasn’t-”

Niffty: “Awww why nooooooooot?”

Charlie: “I wasn’t... trying to?”

Husk: “Oh that’s not fucking terrifying to fucking hear.”

Angel Dust: “TRY HARDER NOT TO NEXT TIME! Ugh! I’m too shaky to even make a hardness pun- AND I think this gave me STRESS WRINKLES. I WORK WITH THIS FACE! Among other body parts- I cannot fucking AFFORD wrinkles, Charmeleon!”

Charlie: “Aw guys I’m sorry! I just saw you three chatting together and.” (waves notebook) “Y’know?”

Vaggie: “I know, babe.”

Angel Dust: “NO!?”

Husk: “Fuck. No.”

Niffty: “Nope! I would’ve gone STRAIGHT into hunt and kill mode!”

Husk: “Which is what it fucking FELT like you fucking did.”

Charlie: “Ooookay then, my bad. But! You all feel better now you know it was just me, right?”

Them: “….”

Charlie: “B- because you know I’d never actually hunt any of your through the halls of my hotel. Right?”

Them: “……”

Charlie: “…you, you guys know you’re safe here and I didn’t bring you here for some fucked up creepy personal murder torture reason… right…?”

Them: “……….”

Niffty: (raises hand) “I-”

Charlie: “NIFFTY THANK YOU!! See? She believes-”

Niffty: “I felt really GREAT thinking you were hunting me for sport! Can I go back to thinking that?”

Charlie: “-that, you, oh. No that’s-” (droops) “…sure … whatever makes you happy, Niffty.”

Niffty: “YAY FEAR!” (hugs Charlie’s knees) (skitters away)

Angel Dust: “Oh yippie. Getting’ high off my ass and blackin’ all this out from my memory will make ME happy.” (flounces off) “Sweet dreams, toots! I sure as hell won’t be havin’ ‘em!”

Charlie: “I’m sor-”

Husk: “Anyone fucking needs me, don’t.”

Charlie: “Husk, I really-”

Husk: (already gone)  

Charlie: “….”

Charlie: “….. fuck.”

Vaggie: “It’ll be fine.” (pats Charlie gently) “Don’t freak out about it. They’re just, shook up.”

Charlie: (tired) “Except Niffty.”

Vaggie: “Niffty’s uhhh, she seems like the exception to most things yeah.”

Charlie: “She likes being scared of me.”

Vaggie: “Well. Thrilled? By you? I mean she gets her kicks out of it, so…”

Charlie: “I don’t like being scary.”

Vaggie: “You’re not.”

Charlie: “I scared them.”

Vaggie: “Startled and creeped out a little. It’s not the same thing.”

Charlie: “Isn’t it? I’m- I hate that I'm-”

Vaggie: “No.”

Charlie: “Vaggie.”

Vaggie: “You. Are. Not.”

Charlie: “But-”

Vaggie: (takes hand) “You’re a lot of things, Charlie Morningstar. Sometimes you’re a lot of those lot of things- which I love-”

Charlie: “Heh.”

Vaggie: “But being scary just by existing? Isn’t one of them. You can be you, all the way, the whole demon princess Charlie package- and not scare anyone. I promise."

Charlie: "Tell that to my ex..."

Vaggie: "I'll carve it into his stupid fucking skull- kidding! I'm kidding."

Charlie: "I'd believe that more if you hadn't already tried."

Vaggie: "Well believe me NOW when I'm trying to say- You can get scary when someone you love is hurt or threatened, sure. That's, not a bad thing. There's nothing about you that you need to hide to have people in your life. Living with you, every part of you, is great."

Charlie: "....."

Vaggie: "Charlie c'mon- I should know. If we’re talking observed data and stuff, I’ve already got three years of it. Right?”     

Charlie: “…right.” (weak smile) “I did it again though, didn’t I?”

Vaggie: “What, the intensely following around someone you’ve invited into your home trying to figure out how to make them feel more comfortable without bothering them or spooking them, working hard not to let them see how you spend hours just staring at them, taking in every little detail you can, but staring so hard they can feel it on the back of their neck anyway?”

Charlie: “And you’re sure that’s not scary. Like at all.”

Vaggie: “I always thought is was cute. Intense and a kinda worrying sign of how alone you’d been, sure, but cute.”

Charlie: “Hmph.”

Vaggie: (leans up to smooch her) “And our hazbins will too. Just give ‘em time.”

Charlie: “Our hazbins?” (grins) “Our? Oh now THAT’S cute.” (opens book and scribbles note) “Today… Vaggie.. bonded with…”

Vaggie: “I did not.”

Charlie: “…OUR- underline underline add some hearts- hazbins!”

Vaggie: “Charlie I didn’t. I barely even spoke with them.”

Charlie: “You’re comparing them to your past self and making connections between you when we first met and them now, aren’t you. You’re empathizing with them! That’s bonding! That’s ADORABLE!!”  

Vaggie: (sigh) “That’s my cue to drag you off to bed.”

Charlie: “You’re adorable~”

Vaggie: “Says the cute demon lady lovingly stalking her new friends.”

Charlie: “Do you think they’ll be friends with me? I mean I’m friends with them, but-”

Vaggie: “Charlie, they’ve met you. It’s inevitable.”

Charlie: “Heheh. Juuuust like this kiss~”

(smooch)

(smooch some more)

Vaggie: “Whoa there!” (chuckling) “Save it for the bed sweetie, or we’ll never get there.”

Charlie: (giggling) “Sorry. I’m not used to not having everything all to ourselves. And I suppose making out in the public areas wouldn’t be very polite, even in the middle of the night with no one around.”

Vaggie: “Probably. We’ve freaked them out enough for one day I think.”

Charlie: “There are definite downsides to having a hotel with actual other people living in it, huh….”

Vaggie: “Worth it?”

Charlie: “Mm. I hope so. I hope they’ll think so too.”

Vaggie: “They will, babe. They will.”

-Next Night-

-Alastor’s Radio Tower-

Alastor: (humming and happily prepping the next track for broadcast)

SOMETHING: (slowly rises up beyond the window behind him)

Alastor: (ears twitch) (adjust audio balance knob)  

SOMETHING: (presses against window)

Window: (Distinctive flesh-dragging-across-glass sound)

Alastor: (stops)

SOMETHING: (fades into shadows)

Alastor: (turns)

Window: (has smudge mark on it)

Alastor: “….hmm…” (walks over) (wipes window) (smudge stays bc it’s on the outside) “Interesting...”

Alastor: (goes back to disc jockeying)

SOMETHING: (reaches up and drags finger through smudge mark)

Alastor: (stops and turns)

Alastor: “Ohoho? My my my, now isn’t THIS just droll! Who COULD have left a message here for me. On my own radio tower! Smudging my glass! (smirks and walks over) “Hmm? Something dire and THREATENING no doubt? Not something they will REGRET I am SURE ha ha ha!”

Alastor: (bends down to read) “It appears to say…”

Window: (smudge has the word ‘FRIENDS’ written through it)

Alastor: (snaps back upright) (stares) (steps back) (stares harder)

Alastor: “…how… amusing.”

Alastor: (goes back to control panel)

Alastor: “….”

Alastor: (relaxes) (picks up microphone and holds it casually at the ready)

Alastor: (reaches for a record-)

SOMETHING: (slips past window behind him)

Alastor: (turning) (Shrieking) “KKKKSSSSSSSSFKKKSST” (yeets record out through window)

Window: (shatters)

Vaggie: “….”

Vaggie: “….hope that one wasn’t important, pendejo. It’s on the first floor now. In about a hundred pieces.”

Alastor: (lowering microphone) “Oh my dear I DO apologize!” (simpering) (Glowering) “Poor thing. Not hurt, are you? Not frightened at all I hope? Really I don’t know WHAT would have happened if I had happened to HIT you!”

Vaggie: “Me frightened? No.” (tosses cleaning rag over shoulder) “The scary little smudge is gone anyway, so I’m off. Bye.”

Alastor: “Oh delightful! You KNOW ABOUT-”

Vaggie: (gone)

Alastor: “……hmmmmmm….”

Charlie: “….”

Charlie: “She’s so hot when she’s all ‘doesn’t even blink when something almost would've decapitated her if she hadn’t casually leaned back’ isn’t she?”

Alastor: (shriek is broadcast all over Pentagram city, shattering the remaining windows in his radio tower)

[a-twistedheartslonging]

The recent Book 7 release has put Vil and Rook on the mind, so do you have any particularly interesting courtship or relationship headcanons for your nonhuman AU? Thank you :)

My god Rook would rizz you so hard, we already know how he is as a human, though I've seen headcanons that he might have some beastmen in his blood it just isn't obvious/is distant or something like that.

Anyway...

He's enigmatic with a passion for all things beautiful, something Rook very much views you as regardless of what you think of yourself. He's very enthusiastic about supporting those that he admires so be ready for him to be supportive and encouraging as fuck. Yeah, he's gonna be weird about a lot of stuff but Rook is almost always genuine in his intentions.

Expect poetry and love letters to hit your door by arrow every morning.

Ah...Birb Boi Love.

When the night sky envelops the world in its cool embrace, a ballet takes place on treetops and secluded clearings— the dance of owl courtship. 

Serenading the night. Rook is already a great singer and loves to do it, with owls the males often initiate the mating process with a series of hoots. Though with him I'm pretty sure it would be actually singing that he graces you with...but still...it's kind of funny to think about...heh horny hoots.

He might be hoping for you to join him since female owls might answer back, leading to a duet. This vocal interaction strengthens the bond between the two owls and sets the stage for their partnership.

Gift giving, males often present food gifts. This act not only proves the male’s hunting prowess but also his ability to provide for offspring. He knows he can't just leave his fresh kills at your doorstep. Instead, he will use his cooking skills and bring very yummy meals cooked and caught by him. Will give a few happy hoots if you agree to letting him feed you.

He's going to bring you a lot of stuff, not just food though. Keep in mind the guy is well off and for a lot of creatures it's important to keep your mate well groomed, and he gets the good shit from Vil so expect to be gifted the best, lotions, shampoos, and skincare stuff. Along with clothes that seem to fit you perfectly...hmm how did he get your size?

Once a bond begins to form, owls might engage in mutual grooming, a sign of affection and trust. Please let him do your hair and nails he will be so happy. He gets to help you be even more pretty, gets to touch the person he likes, examine your interesting human features. He's actually someone you can trust to bathe with/wash your hair for you without trying anything regardless of his romantic feelings, even if you're nakey.

Nuzzling and nibbling will also happen, he knows you're a fan of his soft feathers and floof and will puff up to lure you in for cuddles...and then he'll get you with those gentle nibbles and nuzzle against you. At least with him, you won't have to worry about getting covered in fur after like with the others, but you might end up with a feather in your hair and will diffidently smell like Rook

Territory plays a vital role in owl mating behaviors. Male owls fiercely defend their territories from rival males, ensuring they have exclusive access to potential mates and sufficient resources for nesting and rearing young. Territory disputes often involve vocal and physical displays, including wing-spreading, aggressive posturing, and occasional physical combat.

As a result, any of the other guys should be wary of arrows flying their way when they get near Ramshackle once Rook gets to that stage in courting. The tree near your window was already one of his favorite spots before this started. I don't think he would start any fights though, not that he would need to, people tried to keep their distance from him before already.

The mental image of him doing the aggressive postering is funny though.

Hmm...wait...no...

...yeah, I can see how that would be scary if it's a man-sized owl creature doing it at night with glowing eyes and he's probably doing a weird honhonhonhon French laugh thing. He's going to scare the shit out of someone.

Some owl species, like the barn owl, engage in dramatic flight displays, which can include dives, spirals, and impressive swoops to impress a potential mate. He would definitely show off and even offer to carry you so you can enjoy a nice flight with him...you might see him divebomb someone, he doesn't actually touch them but gets pretty close.

The man loves his privacy so will likely pick a spot in Ramshackle away from everyone else to make into your love nest, only the finest blankets and pillows will be used, that fancy silk stuff you know?

Hmmm Vil.

I've thought about him ether being a Peacock-

Or a secretary bird.

I'm not sure what suits him best but I'm sure regardless his courtship will be flashy. You'll probably end up with a tail feather smacking you in the face at some point.

I might be able to think up something if you guys send in some ideas.

[notallangelsaregood]

My thoughts on Spy x Family Chapter 82

Needless to say, (some real serious) manga spoilers alert

Oh, boy, I'm gasping for air. I'm panicking, and I've not panicked this much about Spy x Family since Anya's last hijack incident (which my heart has not recovered yet). Mr. Endo, may you, please, pay my cardiologist bill? I'm not joking, I'm hyperventilating, and my chest is TU DUM, TU DUM.

The mole was discovered! Poor guy (or not, who knows?). I wonder what SSS will do to him. How far will the organization go? I believe we won't even know.

I'm seriously nervous for him. Twillight is used to things getting on his way, with minimum complications and this situation is definitely not it. Of course, he could figure things could go bad, since It's a really risky operation, however, I feel his frustration in not getting much time to secure the real wheeler.

Damn, my heart is not surviving till the end of this chapter.

Our man got ✨ The Skills ✨ Still, all this shooting is getting me pretty nervous. I'm immediately getting my anxiety meds. Endo, what the actual f-

Yeah, Twilight is The Man! Still, my hands are trembling and so is my apprehensive cardiac organ. This is sure to be qualified as torture.

He is quite wise disguising as Yuri. Haha, got it? I'm not okay, Christ.

Damn, Yuri is very intelligent, as well. The brains had to go to one of the Briar's, am I right? (Poor Yor, I love you, It's not personal. Bad comedy is my coping mechanism when I'm nervous. I'm so sorry!)

He is right about that. Twilight is nervous. And I wonder why. Maybe because there's more on this game than before? He is a father. A husband. He worries. He is not the same he was before, as much as he tries to convince himself that he is not attached to his fake family dynamics.

I can clearly imagine his thoughts racing. He's thinking about Anya, about Yor, about WISE, while trying to run and get these thoughts away from him in order to not commit mistakes, like leaving a footprint behind. Just saying.

Oh Yuri, you are so sweet, in a way. And you know absolutely nothing.

The panic™  on his face. Poor Yuri, I'm truly divided right here. See? I'm calmer, not panicking at all, this is certainly my clonazepam working.

Quick (but important) writer's note here, I'm actually diagnosed with intense anxiety and use prescribed medication, I joke about it, cause It's better to laugh than cry on the reality of my condition, however, never use anxiolytic/benzodiazepines drugs without valid prescription and conscience, it might cause long-term dependency and tolerance. My Pharmacy academic self felt the need to point this out. Moving on!

By the way, have you noticed the "waver"? Twilight is hesitating, deeply, which makes him more prone to aiming wrong. Haha, ha… I'm okay, I swear 😰

...

HOW THE FLOOF AM I SUPPOSED TO BE CHILL AFTER THIS, HUH?

Okay, two theories. I'm okay, I swear, my blood pressure is just fine.

Theory number 1. Twilight gets Yuri shot on some of his limbs, probably one of his legs, so our spy can buy time, run to encounter the others Wise's agents and hide. Gladly, he can aim just on the spot when no much damage is made to Yuri, even though the spy is extremely nervous. Twillight was totally not expecting to find him on that corner, and he knows that doing something so serious like UNALIVING HER WIFE'S BROTHER will tear her apart. Why else he would waver? He is the best spy of Westalis. He doesn't hesitate, but this is different.

Theory number 2. Which I believe is less likely, but still possible, Yuri gets our incredible Spy shot on some area of his body where the disguise falls off, and he realizes Twillight and Loid are the same person, but he does nothing about it, at least not for a while. Making him and the spy share this major secret for a while, due to numerous reasons, but mainly to protect Yor and take her out of her position as Loid's wife safely. But as I said, I find unlikely to Yuri shoot TwiTwi, even though the latter is quite nervous and might not dodge the shot. Besides the fact Loid has his arm aimed at Yuri first, while Yuri has his arm sideways, which gives Twilight an advantage in time.

Be sure to talk to me in the comments, I would love to hear what you guys think. Moving on to the last past of the chapter.

Lady Yor! Our grownup baby! She is still with the same outfit and hair down, so I assume it's late at night or afternoon, maybe Anya is already home or at a sleepover with Becky? Not sure.

Our poor girl is nervous due to Yuri filling her thoughts with the possibility of Loid cheating (which is dumb as floof, because he is a loyal boy) but still, even sober, Yor is worried. She cares about this family so much it probably hurts and confuses her. Her face on the left gave me chills, so much is going through her mind, almost if she senses something is wrong.

So. Much. Blood. I'm. Nervous. I. Can't. Breath. Properly. What. Was. This? Whose blood is this? (Not Yor's, I assume). I always count the days till the next chapter, but for this one, I'll be in severe mental pain until its release date. My mind racing like Yor's, wondering if Loid will come home late or come home at all.

I keep imagining scenarios where one of the boys gets shoot and the aftermath of that, Loid or Yuri at the hospital or being held by their organizations in order to get intel from them, Yor drying with worry, there are so many possibilities. This arc has been the most intense so far, for me, at least. I don't know how I will cope till June 26th.

What do you guys thinking? If my heart survived until now, yours will! Make sure to like, reblog and support my work here on Tumblr, I really appreciate it. Now I will rest, cause that chapter was (hell) difficult 🌹 (this post will be reviewed soon, so if you encounter any grammar or spelling mistakes, forgive my bilingual mess self)

[culxiaa-fn]

[Outside Date]

You two went on a date outside of the school for the first time!

[Fem!reader]

---[masterlist]---

Ace Trappola - Amusement Park

When thinking about the date, Ace is not that nervous.

His logic is, it's just the usual, we just hangout outside today.

But when Kantokusei comes, dress all nicely and is different from the usual way she dresses, Ace's mind went blank.

[name]: ACEEE~ did you wait long? Sorry I kinda got sidetracked.

Ace:.....

Ace:(HUH?! WHAT'S WITH THAT OUTFIT?!? SHE LOOKS SO CUTE?!)

Ace: (well usually she dresses all boyish because of the situation she is in)

Ace: You look dumb

[name]: Eh?!

Listen- in Ace defend, when you are used to seeing your girlfriend flip a buff and students that are taller than her like her daily routine, you would be shocked too.

Ace is a casual boyfriend, he is not all sappy and hopeless romantic relationships with him usually chaotic but if alone it's kinda relaxing.

This guy definitely wants to go to a haunted house for his shit and giggle.

[name]: Ace there will be jumpscare in a second.

[name] & Ace: UWAH!!

Ace: WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED?! All of your predictions are right??

[name]: Hehe, I'm not scared, I'm just surprised by the loud noises.

Watch him being breathless and is the one that is more scared than Kantokusei.

[name]: Ace... Are you okay?? Do you want water?

Ace: Kantokusei... Why?

[name]: Ace... I live with 3 ghosts, do you really think I would be scared of that?

Ace: DAMNIT

Deuce Spade- Aquarium/Zoo

Deuce always managed to make himself nervous.

Like??? The usual "date" is just going to Sam's mystery shops. But today! We! Are! Going! Out!

More importantly Grim and Ace is not here!

When Deuce sees Kantokusei with he "date outfit" he is very close to passing out.

[name]: Deuce~ Thank You for waiting~

Deuce: (UWAAAHHH SO CUTE?!?!)

[name]: Deuce??? Hello??

For the first hour Deuce will be a bit quiet compared to his usual self.

He is really not used to Kantokusei dressing with this in this kind of outfit.

Deuce definitely brings stuff like umbrellas and bandaids. He wants no- need for this day to be perfect!

Deuce: Kantokusei, we have been walking for a while do you want to take some rest?

Deuce: Are your feet okay?? Just tell me if you want a rest okay?

He actually takes so long to gather courage to compliment your outfit. By the time both of you are going back he decided to say it .

Deuce: Kantokusei! Um, your outfit is pretty today!

He is gonna run. Definitely. Can't show his girlfriend that he got like this just from complimenting her! Yup! That's definitely lame.

Jack Howl- Snow Skating/Surfing

Jack loves his hometown that is covered by snow, and his girlfriend that's always by his side. So what is a better idea than bringing his girlfriend doing his favorite activity.

Jack sometimes forgets that even though the sight of his girlfriend flip and punch a student twice her size is a regular sight in school, she is still a girl (not in a bad way!)

Now, complimenting someone is not his strongest point, he got awkward. What do you mean his girlfriend can't just read his mind.

Jack: you look... different today

[name]: hm? Bad different or good different?

Jack:... Good. You look... cute..

If you don't know how to skate or surf, don't worry! Javk will teach you how.

He will take it slow and always hold your hand.

Proud boyfriend once you get a hang of it.

Jack: slowly... Careful now.

Jack: hm! You did well. I will be taking my hand off.

If you are cold Jack will warm you up! If you ask nicely he will give you his tail(!!!)

Will bundle you up if you and start sneezing.

You will end up being a bundle of floof.

Jack: your nose is red.

Jack:here take my scarf, It's fine, I have a higher body temperature compared to you.

[name]: My personal hand warmer is not here today...

Jack : *sigh* here not the same as Grim but my tail is fine right?

Epel Felmier - Arcade

Epel is used to treating his girlfriend roughly, it's not like hitting her or something but he treats her like his sworn friend.

Sure he sometimes shows caring and sweet boyfriend sides, but not like a total gentleman. He knew his girlfriend was not a fragile person.

But this???? Sometimes it slips from his mind that she is still his GIRLfriend(if you can get the image that she threw a 190cm Beastman to the floor cause their comments are a tad bit annoying)

Epel: uwah...

[name]: ?hm?? What's wrong??

Epel: ah- no, just not used to seeing you dress like this...

[name]: does it look bad??

Epel: nah, you look nice.

Arcade date with Epel is... Something...

This dude is so competitive, like?? Relax??

Somehow manage to win the stuff at the claw machines. Will proudly show off to Kantokusei.

Although he is not a prince charming, he is still a Pomefiore student! Vil drills etiquette into his head daily ya know! And he is not a scum! Of course he will protect his girlfriend from a bastard.

Epel: oi, you got a problem? Are you blind?!

Epel: should I teach you some lessons?!

Well... Goodluck trying to prevent him from brawling with that dude.

Sebek Zigvolt - Food hunting

Sebek, most of the time is busy with his knightly duties. So he can't go somewhere far and too long.

This is also why it slips his mind that his girlfriend will be dressing like that and she looks damn good too.

But Sebek is not a guy that is generous with his praise and compliment. Unless you are Malleus Draconia, then he will gladly sing you praises until his throat bleed.

But, you are still his partner, and it is his duty to tease, I mean praise you.

Sebek: Oh?? You look like a proper lady now.

[name]: 💢💢 huh? Want a fight??

Sebek: It's just, the sight of you brawling with other students makes me forget that you are a lady *his annoying handsome smug face*

[name]: 💢 I will tell Lilia that.

Well bye Sebek, you are dead.

Jokes aside he will be taking candid pictures cause?? He wants to admire his girlfriend's outfit??? LEAVE ME ALONE SHE LOOKS AMAZING IN THAT OUTFIT

Date with Sebek is mostly just checking out a good restaurant or popular eating spots.

Sebek is growing and he is always hungry, so eating with his girlfriend?? A win. Also ,he can see her stupid cute face while she was eating that stupidly sweet tooth rotting dessert.

You will be surprised how much he can eat. Damn you crocodile.

[silentwillowwhisperer]

Yayyy!

Guys, I completely forgot that yesterday was @lilcatastrophe's birthday!

You are absolutely amazing!!!! Imma make myself write something in your honor, thank you so much for being so kind and encouraging!

Have I written a birthday themed thingy yet?

(My brainstorming process is saying, 'What's a stupid thing we can do to Keith' until I have an idea.)

I love the word extravagant. Flamboyant is fun too. It sounds like flamingo.

-------------------------------

Lance is distraught.

He had been planning to throw Keith a surprise birthday party in honor of their unexpected friendship. He'll never say it aloud, but Keith might actually become a closer friend to Lance than Hunk.

It's hard to say when that started.

Maybe it was late at night in the kitchen when nightmares kept them both up, and they talked for hours just to avoid sleep.

Or it could be seeing Keith laughing on some distant planet somewhere in space, after they had pulled a prank on Shiro out of boredom. (They may have switched his shampoo out for hair dye. Shiro is still quite intimidating with a neon-pink hair floof.)

There's a million tiny moments with Keith that Lance could list, but regardless, he wants to show his appreciation towards Keith in some (extravagant) way.

However, the red paladin had pulled him aside just a couple days before to request that Lance wouldn't do anything big for him.

So now Lance is having a crisis.

Shiro is no help, he apparently finds the whole situation funny, chuckling lightly anytime Lance paces past him.

Keith’s birthday comes too soon. And all Lance has to show for it is a badly wrapped knife, some alien bananas that taste like strawberries, and a cupcake that he made under the careful guidance of Hunk.

They didn’t celebrate, Shiro respects The fact that Keith hates attention, and everyone else kind of just forgot.

Lance taps his knuckles softly to Keith’s door, and there’s a muffled clamor from inside the room before Keith comes out.

Keith scans the tanned boy in front of him wearily before asking with a raised brow, “Can I help you?”

For some reason, Lance clams up and just shoved the gifts into Keith’s face.

At some point, they’ve both ended up in Keith’s room atop his bed.

Keith’s eyes widen when he sees the gifts, and for a moment Lance is ashamed. He feels pretty shabby giving Keith such generic gifts, but his spiraling thoughts are cut off by the other paladin leaping into his arms.

“Thank you. You… I didn’t know I needed this until you gave it to me.”

For a second, Lance thinks Keith is talking about the knife, but then he notices sincere amethyst eyes trained on him.

“You always know what I need, even before I do.”

The warmth that fills Lance is like summer rain and sunsets over the glittering ocean, but more importantly, it’s being here with Keith in his arms.

He stands suddenly and grabs the cupcake before carrying Keith all the way to the observatory, ignoring any protests.

Lance loves this room becomes of its lack of walls. The whole ceiling is made of a glass dome, and the only actual wall is the one with the door.

It’s almost scary, and Lance feels almost lost surrounded by the cosmos like this.

He turns to Keith and hold the small cake up.

“Happy birthday, Love. You deserve every one of these stars and so much more.”

Keith dismisses the random pet name and curls up at Lance’s side.

“Nah. This is all I need.”

They split the cake and stare up at the stars (and Lance graciously ignores the fat, happy tears rolling down Keith’s face).

And you know what? Like this, Lance really does feel like he has absolutely everything.

———————-

You’re the greatest, Kay! Once again, have the happiest happy birthday!

[oliverreedmasterass]

Words: 8k

Synopsis: Based on a hilarious personal anecdote from the incredible @writingcold about seeing something bizarre at a hotel in Green Bay, the GVF guys find themselves caught in a heap of trouble. The problem is, they can't quite work out what they did.

Warnings: language, drinking, drug use, mentions of theft, drowning, and running into traffic

__________________________________________

“Do you know why you’re here, son?” a graying man dressed in a loose-fitting two-piece suit with a strewn purple tie leaned close to the young man who sat across from him at the aged wooden table. 

“No clue,” Jake avoided eye contact while wringing his hands together out of sight of the older man. He snuck a quick glance at the man’s golden nametag pinned to his chest. Doug. “I was just minding my business in my room and then somebody dragged me down here. Am I in trouble?” 

“Depends on how much you’re willing to share with me today,” Doug stared back at Jake with his piercing blue eyes. “I’m gonna need you to tell me what you were up to last night.” 

Jake’s face pinched as he tried to think back. He made a humming noise to stall, and wiped at his mouth - a nervous tick he had never been able to shake. 

“My band and I were out getting drinks,” Jake remembered. “At Ned Kelly’s Pub. Someone recommended the place to us since they’re known for their sour beers. It’s something I’ve been getting into a lot more recently.” 

It was a perfectly normal evening. Like, genuinely, nothing crazy was going down. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny all squeezed around a tall pub table, leaning over their pints to sip out of the top of the overfilled glasses. Jake wiped his mouth with the back of his hand to clear the foam from his upper lip and craned his neck to look over Josh’s head at the live band. They were playing a Creedence Clearwater Revival song, and it sounded good enough that Jake started to tap his foot to the beat.

“I can’t believe we’re in Green Bay,” Josh called over the music to his friends. Jake took another slurp from his glass and then nodded his head in agreement. 

“We had the opportunity to go anywhere in the world, and we settled on Wisconsin.” 

“I don’t regret it,” Sam shrugged. “It’s not too far from home and, hey, I’ve always wanted to get my hands on one of those Packers cheese hats.” 

Jake gazed at the ridiculous cheese hat that was perched atop Sam’s head and grimaced at how stupid his younger brother looked. 

“I’m becoming one with the cheese,” Sam proudly stated.  

Jake flicked at Sam’s hat, knocking it just slightly off of his forehead. 

“Are you really gonna keep that thing on all night, Sammy?” he asked. He had noticed Sam was earning some strange looks from the other patrons in the bar which gave him serious second-hand embarrassment. Sam let out a loud laugh at Jake’s question and forced the hat back down on his head so it was set in place. 

“I know you hate it, Jake. So, yeah.” 

Jake faked a scowl, but couldn’t help chuckling into his beer. He took a deep sip and let the taste of the sour beer wash over him. Their Lyft driver had totally been right when she recommended this place. It was by far the best sour beer he had ever had, which was seriously saying something.

Jake took in the bar around him while he worked on his drink. It was classy and pretty packed, which felt just right. He knew he had stepped foot in hundreds of bars like Ned Kelly’s Pub before, but that just made it feel more like home. 

When he finished his drink, Jake stepped away from the table and grabbed his glass, motioning back towards the bar that was only getting more crowded. “I’m gonna get a refill. Anyone need anything?” 

“Ask if they have peanuts!” Sam shouted with enthusiasm. He enjoyed throwing the peanut shells at Josh and getting them stuck in his curly floof. 

“Don’t do that,” Josh firmly told Jake. “It took me two weeks to get them all out of my hair last time. Two weeks!” 

Jake looked beyond Josh to Danny, who was mouthing at him to go and get the peanuts. Jake shook his head at his friends and made his way to the bar, where the bartender was finishing up another order for a group of women around his age. 

“Just a second,” the bartender held up his finger to Jake, who nodded his head with a smile. While he waited, he bobbed his head along to the live band’s Allman Brothers cover. 

“Hey,” a voice said next to Jake. “You look familiar.” 

Jake was curious where the conversation would go, so he turned to his left and looked at one of the women who was waiting for her drink. “Do I?” he asked with a cheeky grin. While he usually didn’t like the attention, he sometimes got a kick out of people trying to place his face. The amount of times people had mistaken him for Julien Baker was extraordinary. 

“Did we go to high school together?” the woman guessed. Jake had heard that one plenty of times. 

“Not unless you grew up in Frankenmuth, Michigan,” Jake replied. 

“Really? You don’t sound like you’re from Michigan,” the woman observed. This comment threw Jake off. 

“Where would you guess I was from?” 

“You’ve got, like, an echo of a British accent. It’s really interesting.” 

“What can I get for you?” The bartender’s attention was finally on Jake. 

“Fill ‘er up,” Jake motioned down to his glass. 

With his glass filled to the brim once more, Jake made a detour over to where the band was playing so he could watch the guitar player. The guy obviously had a lot of experience under his belt, because he was hitting every note in perfect precision. Jake liked to think that he was a pretty talented guitar player, but this guy wasn’t making a single error, and it was blowing his mind. 

Once they finished their song, Jake gave them an extra loud whoop in front of the stage. “Bravo!” he added. 

“Hey, thanks,” the lead singer grinned at Jake. “Got any requests?” 

“Play Cream and I’m never leaving this joint,” Jake beamed wide. 

“You better get yourself comfortable then,” the guitarist chuckled before launching into SWLABR. Jake let out a whoop in glee, gave the band a thumbs up, and made his way back to his friends’ table. 

“Hey there, social butterfly,” Josh poked fun at Jake. 

“I like the vibe of this place,” Jake shrugged. “The band said they would play Cream for me.” 

“So what you’re saying is it’s gonna be impossible to get you out of here, right?” Danny stared at Jake. 

Jake swigged down more beer, and then nodded in Danny’s direction. “You’re gonna have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming.” 

Danny shook his head at Jake with a smile between his pursed lips and Jake stuck his tongue back out at him. He jumped in surprise when he saw the woman from earlier at the side of their table. 

“I figured out where I know you from,” she announced, looking proud. Jake arched an eyebrow. “You’re from that rock band!” 

“Bingo,” Jake pointed at her. As fun as it was to get misrecognized, there was something gratifying in knowing that they were big enough to get spotted out in public. 

“My sister is a huge fan,” the woman continued. “She saw you guys during your last tour and said that your show was literally life changing. She’d die if she knew I was talking to you right now. But, uh, I’m sure you’re used to hearing this, so I’ll keep it brief. I just wanted to bring this over to thank you for making my sister so happy.” 

Jake stared at the tall pint that the woman was handing out to him in awe. 

“It’s a Copper State Sun Soaked - I overheard you ordering it at the bar,” the woman continued as she slipped the glass into Jake’s hands. 

“Thank you,” Jake told her, and he really meant it. The woman waved goodbye to him and made her way across the bar back to her friend group. Jake looked down at the pint in his hands, and set it next to his other glass. 

“Water for the rest of the night after this, I promise,” Jake looked around at everyone. “Mark my word.” 

“And that’s what I did,” Jake told the older man. “We hung around the bar for about another hour, and then we made our way back to the hotel. I went to my room and crashed almost immediately. Then, when I woke up, I was brought down here.” 

“Interesting,” Doug studied Jake. The kid looked like he was being sincere, which threw Doug and his hypothesis in for a loop. He searched Jake’s face for any signs of deceit. “I sent you down here to talk to me because there was vandalism reported in the lobby last night.” 

“Really?” Jake’s eyebrows raised. “What happened?”

“Let’s just say that someone tampered with something that’s really important to me and my hotel.”  

Jake had no trouble looking Doug in the eyes this time around. “I can promise you, sir, I had nothing to do with it.”

Doug gazed at Jake a few beats longer, and then nodded his head. “You’re free to go.”

“Oh thank god,” Jake heaved out and then rose from his seat. 

“But I want you to send in someone else from your party,” Doug continued. Jake frowned at that. 

“We have to hit the road soon.” 

“Don’t worry, it won’t take long.” 

Jake gave a grunt, and left the room in silence. A few minutes later, his twin, Josh, entered into the hotel manager’s office, looking around at the IKEA-inspired decor. 

“Love what you’ve done with the place,” Josh greeted Doug. “Fake plants are really in right now.” 

“Take a seat,” Doug motioned towards the wooden chair that his brother had just been nervously sitting in. Josh slowly lowered himself into the seat and then folded his hands politely in his lap. 

“Is this about the bathrobe I took from the bathroom? Because I thought it was complimentary. If it’s not, I’ll put it back.” 

“Don’t worry about that,” Doug shook his head. “It’ll just get charged to your card.” 

“Aw man,” Josh pouted. 

“I’m trying to fit the pieces of a mystery together, and I need your help. Can you tell me what you did last night?” 

Josh gave Doug a look that showed he was surprised by the question, but shrugged. “My pals and I went to this pub right by the river for their tap selection. We wanted to have a celebratory night out before we headed back home to Michigan.” 

The night was already exhausting. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny all squeezed around a tall pub table, leaning over their pints to sip out of the top of the overfilled glasses. Josh winced at the taste of the sour beer and nudged the drink away from him. The rest of his friends were still hard at work, slurping down the beer with content. Josh folded his hands in front of him and thought about their weekend away from home. Their trip to Green Bay had started on a whim, inspired by a side comment from Sam about how they had never really spent any quality time in Wisconsin. Paired with Danny’s recent That 70s Show obsession, it only seemed right that they would squeeze into the Jeep Truck and hit the road west. 

In their 72 hours they had enjoyed some hikes, visited a cool botanical garden, and, of course, hit up as many bars as they could. Josh wasn’t sure what he thought about Ned Kelly’s Pub. Although the massive chandelier made out of glass bottles was pretty impressive, Josh didn’t feel like it outshined the other places they had visited. However, looking around at his friends’ faces, he could tell that they were all enchanted by the bar. They were gonna be there for a while. 

After trading some jokes about Sam’s goofy cheese hat that he had picked up at the National Railroad Museum gift shop earlier in the day, Josh noticed that Jake’s big glass was already empty. The guy must have enjoyed that sour beer a whole lot more than he had. 

“Pace yourself, tiger,” Josh found himself telling Jake without thinking. Jake had promised that he would drive a leg of their trip back to Michigan the following day, and there was no way he was getting out of it by pulling the hungover card. He had used that one way too many times. 

Josh noted that Jake genuinely looked surprised by his alcohol intake, but his shock seemed to last a millisecond since he bounced over to the bar for a refill without hesitation. 

“Do you like this shit?” Josh asked Sam and Danny, pointing an unenthusiastic finger down at his sour beer. He was relieved to see Sam and Danny both shrugging. 

“It’s okay, I guess,” Danny sounded indifferent. 

“I don’t get what the hype is,” Sam chimed in. “This tastes like soap.” Sam then proceeded to take another long chug. 

“Jake seems to like it though,” Danny commented. They all turned to watch the guitarist saunter up to the bar, slam his empty glass down on the counter, and grin at the bartender. The three watched with more interest when they noticed a woman peel away from her group of friends to talk to him. Jake seemed to be torn between getting the bartender’s attention to fill his glass and listening to the woman, but he eventually started conversing with her. 

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Josh wondered. 

Sam snorted. “He’s probably trying to convince her he has a Grammy.” 

Josh noted that Jake’s body language was unusually confident as he talked to the stranger. The woman towered over him in her heels, but he seemed at ease as they laughed over something. When he got his drink, he looked like he was coming back to them, but then quickly diverted his path to head to the live band, who was playing Midnight Rambler. Josh couldn’t help but chuckle when he saw Jake move uncomfortably close to the stage, staring at the guitarist with his eyes wide. 

“He’s freaking that guy out,” Josh commented under his breath. Sam and Danny paused their side conversation about how Sam could style his cheese hat to watch Jake take slow steps closer and closer to the stage. “He looks like he’s on the brink of taking the guitar away from that guy.” 

“He better not,” Danny frowned. “We’re already banned from a handful of bars because of that.” 

They all exhaled in relief when the band broke into a Cream song and Jake, in complete euphoria, returned to the table. Josh watched in horror as Jake guzzled his second glass down in less than 10 seconds like it was nothing. He let out a burp, smiled happily, patted his stomach, and then jolted upright when he realized he had cleared his pint. 

“How is that surprising to you?” Josh asked Jake. “You’re the one who drank it all, it’s not like it magically disappeared.” 

“These are just going a lot faster than I had anticipated, I guess,” Jake looked troubled. 

They made a pact after some arguing that Jake would stick to water for the night, but that quickly went down the drain when the woman approached the table, gave Jake a wink, and placed another tall pint of sour beer in front of him. Josh wanted to scream at the lady to give that beer to literally anyone else in the establishment but Jake, but his mouth remained glued shut. He watched in despair as Jake, once more, threw the entire pint back like it was a shot. Frat guys around the world would be in utter awe of what he was doing. 

“Water for the rest of the night. I promise,” Jake promised, starting to slur his words. “Mark my word.” 

Jake did not stick to his word. 

Over the next 45 minutes, Jake managed to sneak three more pints of the Copper State Sun Soaked. Whether it be bribing someone to bring him a glass in the bathroom, sipping one under the table, or lapping up spills behind the bar, Jake’s BAC was guaranteed to be nearing staggering heights. 

When Jake decided to tear off his shirt and jump on stage to play the tambourine with the poor live band that was just trying to get through a Bob Seger song, Josh threw in the towel. 

“I can’t do this tonight,” Josh admitted to Danny, who looked equally tired of Jake’s antics. “I’m gonna go back to my room and watch some HGTV to unwind.” 

“And I left the bar after that,” Josh concluded his story. “I’m pretty sure I heard them get back to their room around 2am last night. They were a bit loud, but they quieted down pretty fast.” 

“Your brother said that he stuck to water last night after his third drink,” Doug tapped his chin. 

“Well then, he’s a liar,” Josh shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you. But what does Jake’s drinking last night have to do with anything?” 

“Nothing you have to worry about,” Doug shook his head. Josh looked like he wanted to protest, but Doug quickly motioned for the door. “Please send your brother, Sam, in. I want to talk to him.” 

“Fine, but you better take it easy on him. He’s a sensitive guy, it doesn’t take a whole lot to spook him,” Josh warned Doug. He chuckled at Josh’s warning and, once more, pointed for the door. 

“No need to worry, I’ll be nice to the little guy.” 

Sam entered the room next, still wearing his cheese hat, which he had styled with a pair of black slacks, a yellow button up shirt, and yellow Adidas. 

“What’s up, Doc?” Sam greeted the older gentleman as he peeled a large orange and started to slide the slices into his mouth. Doug motioned for Sam to take a seat at his desk and Sam complied after he took a pause to snap a photo of Doug’s bald head with his fancy camera. “I never thought I’d get to chat with a hotel manager one-on-one like this,” Sam continued to chatter while balancing the orange peels on top of the desk. 

“Sam,” Doug cleared his throat. “I want you to take this conversation seriously.” 

“Are you mad at me?” Sam theatrically called out, his eyes started to well up. Doug started to stumble on his words, panicking over the fact that the curly haired one had been right about his younger brother. 

“No, of course not,” Doug assured Sam, using his sweetest tone. “I just need you to tell me about your time last night at Ned Kelly’s Pub.” 

“How did you know I was at Ned Kelly’s Pub last night,” Sam squinted his eyes at Doug.

“Your brothers told me.” 

“Oh, well, in that case,” Sam chuckled. He grabbed the desk lamp from Doug’s desk and flicked it on so he could hold it under his chin, creating grisly shadows on his face. “It was a cold and dark night in Green Bay, Wisconsin,” Sam started off in a dramatic tone. Doug took a seat across from him and held his head in his hands. This was going to be a long testimony. 

“Since you already know that we were at Ned Kelly’s Pub, I’ll spare you the details about Daniel and I stealing a horse downtown beforehand. You don’t need to hear about that.” 

“Wait,” Doug tried to interrupt Sam. “I actually do want to hear about that.” 

“I was standing at this tall table with my best friend and my brothers, feeling on top of the world with my cheese hat,” Sam cut off Doug, staring into the distance.

It was a bonkers night. Sam and Daniel kept flashing each other excited grins. They had taken something in the parking lot of the bar to really lean into the That 70s Show fantasy that Daniel was trying to live out. Sam had no idea what they had sent into their systems, but it tasted like cherries and made him feel like he was floating. 

He could hear what his brothers and Daniel were saying, but his head wasn’t processing any of it. He felt like he was on autopilot as he gave short answers and laughed when everyone else did. When the conversation shifted to Jake’s drinking, Sam found himself staring daggers at the bartender. He couldn’t help it, the guy looked just like Ben Affleck. In fact, the more Sam stared at him, the more certain he was that the guy really was the A-list actor. Sam had hated his portrayal of Bruce Wayne in Batman Vs. Superman; it was a travesty.

He was ready to storm up to the guy to demand who he thought he was, dating J-Lo and being the moody cigarette “it” boy and all, but Jake beat him to it. Sam watched Jake approach the bartender and let his shoulders slump in defeat. That was a fight to pick later. Plus anyways, Sam had a bigger bone to chew: there was a portal opening on the dancefloor. Sam stared at the streaking lights of blue, yellow, and orange that seemed to be flinging out of the portal in every direction and could tell that his eyes were dilating. 

“Woah,” he whispered out in awe. Josh gave him a quick glance but shook his head and went back to blabbing about how Jake was weird for liking the sour beer. Sam was pretty sure he had agreed that it tasted bad, but really he didn’t mind it. His sense of taste was heightened to God-levels, so each sip made him feel like he was consuming the elixir of life. 

Sam tried to send Daniel morse code messages by batting his eyelashes, but Daniel just winked back at him. He was disappointed that they hadn’t reached the point where they could telepathically communicate with each other, but he knew it was bound to happen eventually. 

“How do bus drivers exit the bus and close the door when they’re the last shift?” Sam wondered aloud. Josh didn’t hear him, but Daniel did and widened his eyes, his mouth hung open. 

“Dude,” Daniel mumbled in awe. Sam was too hung up on that philosophical question to notice Jake rejoining their table, cradling another pint. He only turned his attention towards his older brother when he saw Jake unhinge his jaw to suck down all of the beer in one animalistic gulp out of the corner of his eye. Sam paled at the sight and started to run through the possibilities. 

Was his brother a lizard person? Was that a normal thing that people could do? Or did he and Daniel take some seriously good shit in the parking lot? 

Josh started to yell something at Jake, and Sam cupped his head in his hand, focusing on breathing through his ears. He saw a woman with five arms approach Jake and slip another drink in his hand. All over again, Jake’s jaw unhinged and the drink was gone. He chewed the glass and everything. 

Sam couldn’t stay silent on the issue anymore, and tried to blink in morse code to Daniel, “BATHROOM” but Daniel fluttered his eyelashes back at Sam, obviously not getting the message. Sam sighed and jutted his thumb in some general direction. 

“It’s piss time for me, the piss boy,” he shouted over the music. Josh and Jake both paused from their arguing to stare at Sam, and then Sam scampered away. 

He was grateful that Daniel trailed behind him and leaned into his side when they were out of sight of the twins.

“Jake is a lizard person,” Sam shared. Daniel jumped away from Sam and shook his head in disbelief. 

“No way. But he doesn’t like the sunlight that much.” 

“Did you see him eat that pint glass?” 

“No?” 

“You must have been distracted by something else.” 

“I saw a guy standing in the corner of the room who claimed he was my great-great-grandfather,” Danny remembered. “Wait, what were we talking about?” 

Sam tried to think back on what information he had been so desperate to share with Daniel, but came up short. “I think the bartender is Ben Affleck,” he remembered. 

“That guy stunk as Batman,” Daniel clenched his fist. 

By the time they made it back to their table, Josh looked beyond fed up. He went on a rant about something, but Sam was too busy trying to spot the light molecules coming off the disco ball over the dancefloor to listen. Jake wandered away a few times and, each time he came back, his face looked brighter and happier, until he was a beaming ray of light. Sam squinted to see him. 

“I’m going back to my room,” Josh grumbled, tugging on Sam’s arm to get his attention. Sam made a comment that he thought might make sense, and then focused back on Jake, who had magically appeared on top of the bar and was missing his shirt. 

Ben Affleck shouted something towards Sam and Daniel, and his face turned tomato red when Sam gave him a thumbs up. Sam wondered if the thumbs up gesture meant something rude in Wisconsin, and made a vow to keep his thumb to himself. 

From 10:30pm to 12:30am, Sam stood in the bathroom, gaping at his reflection in the mirror. He could have sworn that his eyes were starting to droop down his cheeks the longer he stared, and the only way he could put them back in place was if he smiled as hard as he could. It was a daunting task but, after 2 committed hours, he finally decided that droopy eyes were actually kind of cool. 

He exited from the bathroom and turned in fifteen full circles looking for Jake and Daniel, but they were nowhere to be seen. Sam wanted to sob at the thought of being left alone, but he quickly reasoned with himself that they trusted him on his own, and had given him a quest to make his way back to the hotel in one piece. 

So Sam stepped out of the bar and dawdled around the empty Green Bay streets. At one point he shed his shoes and chucked them into the river for the fish to wear. He plodded through the desolate neighborhoods, whistling classical music to himself that his parents had played for him on Baby Einstein CDs as a child. He was everywhere and nowhere at once. It was beautiful. 

He couldn’t say for certain what he had accomplished in those hours, but he vaguely recalled something to do with a helicopter, multiple slices of Kraft singles, and a raccoon who wouldn’t stop screaming. 

Around 3am, Sam finally stepped foot into their hotel lobby and was struck with a jarring familiarity at the space. 

“This is my home,” Sam realized in delight. “I made it home. My journey is complete.” 

“And then I fell asleep until literally 20 minutes ago when Josh dragged me out of my room to come down and see you,” Sam finished his tale. Doug looked at him with a twitching eye. 

“You’re telling me you were the one who hijacked the helicopter off the top of the Bellin Building and drove down near the interstate to throw cheese slices at cars?” 

“Probably,” Sam shrugged. “I still don’t know where the screaming raccoon came in though.” 

“Tell me this,” Doug pinched at the bridge of his nose. “Do you remember seeing anything out of the ordinary when you came into the hotel lobby?” 

“I was on drugs,” Sam reminded Doug. “Everything I saw was out of the ordinary.” 

“This is no use,” Doug grumbled. “Is your friend gonna be any help to me, or was he out tripping balls all night long too?” 

“Daniel has a crystal clear memory, inebriated or not,” Sam proudly shared. 

“Send him in then,” Doug asked. Sam shrugged, popped up from his seat, took one more photo of Doug’s bald head, and skipped out of the room. 

“This is a nightmare,” Doug groaned before taking a couple aspirin. 

Danny wandered into the room, looking around him in a panic. When he saw the hotel manager staring at him, he gulped and forced his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. 

“Can I help you?” Danny squeaked. Doug’s furrowed brow loosened when he saw how much the poor guy was trembling. 

“Your friend told me that you have a pretty good memory,” Doug sounded out his words. “It would be a massive help to me and my report if I could get a detailed look into everything that happened with you and your friends last night.” 

Danny looked pale, but he slowly nodded his head. 

“What do you need to know?” 

“Tell me what happened from the second you entered the bar, to when you made it back to your hotel room.” 

“Okay,” Danny whispered. 

The night was frankly a mess. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny all squeezed around a tall pub table, leaning over their pints to sip out of the top of the overfilled glasses. Danny was feeling a bit woozy from the LSD he and Sam had taken in the parking lot before entering the bar. It had been Sam’s treat: he wanted Danny to feel like a teen in the 70s as much as he could. Weed probably would have done the trick, but Danny appreciated the gesture. 

It was clear that Sam was hallucinating more than Danny, because every glimpse he caught of his friend, Sam looked like he was seeing the world for the first time. Danny, on the other hand, was dealing with a gnarly headache, a rapid heartbeat, and an overall feeling of disorientation. Sure, he kept seeing a guy who kinda looked like him, but dressed in Pilgrim clothing, speaking in a hush about being his ancestor, but that was the only thing that felt out of the ordinary. 

He took slow sips of the nasty sour beer that made his stomach groan in even more protest, and listened as Jake and Josh poked fun at Sam’s cheese hat. Danny wanted to stand up for Sam and tell off the twins for not respecting the cheese hat, but he felt so queasy, he didn’t want to risk what would happen when he opened his mouth. 

Jake took a long sip from his beer, entirely clearing it of its contents, and Danny was relieved when Josh spoke up. 

“Pace yourself, tiger,” Josh warned his brother. 

“Oh, geez,” Jake murmured under his breath, staring at his glass in awe. Danny could tell that he was surprised by how fast the beer had gone down; they had hardly been standing at the table for more than five minutes. Danny knew: he could feel every second tick away. 

Jake looked conflicted, but eventually opted to take his glass back to the bar for a refill. While he was gone, Josh leaned forward to check and see if Danny and Sam liked the beer at all. Danny let out a burning burp that made him flinch, and then coughed out that it wasn’t great. What really wasn’t great was how his body was reacting to the LSD. 

He watched through squinted eyes as Jake chatted with a nice looking woman at the bar, and then meandered over to the live band that was playing the Allman Brothers. Once he got them to play a Cream song, he made his way back to the table, looking proud of himself. 

“Hey there, social butterfly,” Josh taunted Jake. 

“Fuck you,” Jake growled. "So maybe I like this place."

“So what you’re saying is it’s gonna be impossible to get you out of here, right?” Danny stared at Jake. The last thing he wanted was to be trapped in that bar while he felt like such shit. 

“You’re gonna have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming,” Jake chuckled in between drinks.  

“Jesus Christ,” Sam gaped at Jake. 

“What?” Jake asked, confused once more. Sam, Danny, and Josh all pointed at the tall pint in Jake’s right hand. Jake held it up to his eyeline and paled. It was empty again. “How the hell did I do that?” Jake choked out. 

“You drank that thing like it was a watering hole in the middle of the Sahara,” Danny observed. Jake studied his loose black button up top and took in the dark beer stains dotting his chest and collar. His face reddened in embarrassment. 

“I’ll tone it down, I promise,” he said. “I know we’re leaving tomorrow.” 

“Yeah, and you’re supposed to drive the second leg,” Josh nodded. “I’m not covering for your ass.” 

“I’d ask Sam to drive that leg before I asked you,” Jake protested. “You stink at driving.” 

“Look who’s talking, Mr. Go-95-On-The-Highway!” Josh exclaimed, waving his hands around in a fury.

“It was late at night, there was hardly anyone on the road!” Jake defended himself. 

“Hey, hey,” Danny waved his arms across the table to get the twins to quit bickering. It was really starting to hurt his head. “Let’s not argue over something that isn’t even a problem yet, okay?” 

Danny felt like he had gotten the situation under control, until the woman approached their table. 

“I figured out where I know you from,” she smiled at Jake, looking proud. Jake arched an eyebrow. “You’re from that rock band!” 

“You finally got it,” Jake laughed. 

“Here, have this on me," the woman said.

Jake stared at the tall pint that the woman was handing out to him with hungry eyes. 

“Oh no,” Danny could hear Josh whisper. 

“It’s a Copper State Sun Soaked - I overheard you ordering it at the bar,” the woman continued as she slipped the glass into Jake’s waiting hands. 

“Cheers,” Jake told her. The woman waved goodbye to him and made her way across the bar back to her friend group. Jake looked down at the pint in his hands, and then up at his band members. 

“Give me that,” Josh motioned at Jake. “Before you do something stupid.” 

Jake kept the glass firm in his hands, and tipped it back. 

“You’re kidding me,” Danny gaped. 

“He did it again,” Sam’s eyes widened. 

Jake’s hands shook as he gaped at the third empty glass he had seen in under 20 minutes. “I swear,” he croaked out, “I’m not doing this on purpose.” 

“It sure as hell seems like you are,” Josh countered. “You downed that whole thing while making eye contact with me. In fact, it felt really targeted.” 

“Water for the rest of the night. I promise,” Jake looked around at everyone. “Mark my word.” 

Danny wished they could have just gone back to the hotel at that point, but things never went that smoothly. After having a brief check in with Sam that confirmed Danny’s suspicions that Sam was having the trip of a lifetime, they returned back to their table to find Jake in a much worse state than they had left him. 

“He keeps drinking this shit,” Josh grumbled to Danny, motioning at the pile of empty glasses surrounding Jake. “I can’t get him to stop.” 

“Can’t stop, won’t stop,” Jake burped out. 

“Can stop, should stop,” Josh countered. Jake gave Josh a loud and juicy raspberry, and then tore his shirt over his head. 

“No shirt, no service!” the bartender hollered at Jake as he hopped onto the live band’s small makeshift stage and smacked a tambourine against his ass to their Bob Seger song. 

“I DON’T NEED SERVICE FROM YEW WANKER!” Jake hollered at the man in between barking laughs. Josh stared at his twin in silence for a few beats, and then shook his head in disappointment. 

“I’m not doing this tonight,” Josh spoke in a low grumble. “I’m gonna go back to my room and watch some HGTV to unwind.” 

Danny watched him step away from their table, flip off Jake, and silently move out of the bar and down the city street. He desperately wanted to run after Josh, begging for them to leave together, but he remained glued in place. Jake was transforming into Oliver Reed, and that was something you couldn’t leave unsupervised.

“BOB SEGER IS A GENTLEMAN IF I’VE EVER KNOWN ONE!” Oliver Reed hollered from the stage. He took a pause from his incoherent shouting to bash the tambourine a couple of times over the drummer’s head. 

“Security!” the guitarist called out in a panic. “Can you get this guy out of here?” 

Danny hurried to the stage, climbed up onto the elevated wooden platform, and hoisted Jake over his shoulder. “HOW DARE YEW PUT YER GRIMY HANDS ON ME YEW BIG OLD BUFFOON!” Oliver Reed howled at Danny while trying to scratch him. He got in a few good swipes that slowed Danny down, but he successfully carried his friend out of the bar and was even met with applause as they left. 

Once they were a block away from the bar, Danny set Jake down and forced his shirt into his hands. 

“Put that back on, dude,” Danny snapped. “It’s, like, 30 degrees outside.” 

“ME NIPS KNOW NOTHIN ‘BOUT WEATHER! I’M A MACHINE THAT DOESN’T FEEL COLD, YA TWAT!” 

Danny stared at Jake in disbelief. Oliver Reed was being more of a menace than usual. 

As if his words weren’t biting enough, Jake leaned forward, kicked Danny in the shin, and then tore in the opposite direction down the street. “I hate my life,” Danny groaned before chasing after Jake. 

“RUN RUN RUN AS FAST AS YEW CAN, YEW CAN’T CATCH ME CUZ’ I’M THE BDE MAN!” Oliver Reed cackled over his shoulder at Danny. 

Danny wasn’t happy that Jake was outrunning him by so much, but he could blame that on the LSD. It was challenging to run in a straight line when it felt like the night sky was below Danny’s feet. Talk about bad timing for the hallucinations to kick in. 

“Jake! Oliver! Whoever you are!” Danny called after his friend in desperation. “Can you please stop? I’m so tired!” 

“NO!” Oliver Reed’s voice echoed off in the distance. 

Danny huffed and tried to pick up his pace. Jake was edging closer to the waterfront, and it was making Danny nervous. When Oliver Reed came out, he was often motivated to dive into whatever water was closest by to “seduce the mermaids.” Danny knew for a fact that Oliver Reed didn’t know how to swim (the man sank like a stone), so the stakes were higher than ever. 

Thank goodness Jake stopped. Danny would have been more relieved if he hadn’t done it in the middle of six lanes of oncoming traffic. 

“I PART THEE, RED SEA!” Oliver Reed held a hand up to the cars that were swerving to avoid him. Danny forced back a scream and put his head down to power towards his friend without being smushed into oblivion by an 18-wheeler. How he made it to Jake unscathed, he had no clue. “THE RED SEA! JUST LIKE YER MUM’S PANTIES LAST NIGHT!” Oliver Reed screeched at a cab that just barely missed him. 

“OLIVER!” Danny yelled at the top of his lungs. He was surprised that he actually had his attention. Even though Jake had somehow acquired sunglasses and a fake beard since leaving the bar, making it hard to read his facial expressions, he could still see that Jake was listening to him attentively. “Get out of the road!” Danny continued. 

Jake stared at him a bit longer, and then started to sprint away from Danny again. 

“SKEEDOOSH!” Oliver Reed called over his shoulder with a barking laugh. 

Danny chased Jake nearly everywhere in the city, from the downtown area to the less-populated rural areas just outside of town. It was exhausting work, and Danny kept thinking that Jake was bound to flop over, but he wouldn’t stop. Danny was starting to think that the guy really was a machine, until they made it to the front doors of their hotel. 

“Best be getting me to bed,” Oliver Reed announced at the most normal volume Danny had heard all night. 

“Good,” Danny gasped for breath. 

Entirely unaffected by their extensive aerobics, Jake pushed the front door open and made his way into the lobby. 

“Wouldn’t turn down a sip or two of the good shit,” he decided. Danny tried to stop Jake, but he was moving on a mission towards the bar area, even though it was closed. Danny nearly tripped over Jake’s feet when he came to an abrupt halt, looking up at something in awe, as if looking into the face of a deity. 

“Would yew look at ‘at,” he breathed out as he took in the lifesize statue of Captain Morgan that was standing tall and proud in the middle of the hotel lobby. “The captain of the seven seas, Mr. Cap’n Morgan. I thought he was only a myth, but there he is. Wild shit.” 

“Take a picture, it’ll last you longer,” Danny said, trying to move Jake along. Jake stood firm, staring at Captain Morgan with a newfound interest. 

“He’s tellin’ me I’m shit,” Oliver Reed suddenly growled. “That old Oliver Fucking Reed himself is no worthy pirate. Well, I’ll show ‘im. I’ll show that bastard.” 

“Jake,” Danny’s voice squeaked in shock as he watched Jake jump at the Captain Morgan statue and tear his left hand away like a rabid animal. The sword that was in the statue’s hand loudly clattered to the floor, and Jake was quick to scoop it up. 

“WHO’S THE BEST PIRATE NOW, MORGAN? EH? THE BLOKE WITH ONE HAND AND NO SWORD? I DON’T THINK SO!” 

“Jake!” Danny cried out once more as Jake swirled the sword around and jabbed it into the statue’s plaster chest. 

“YAR!” Oliver Reed cried in triumph. “VICTORY ONCE MORE FOR THE BRITS! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! OR WHOEVER THE BLOKE IN POWER IS NOW!”

Danny had to plank to the ground with a yelp when Jake chucked Captain Morgan’s left hand as hard as he could across the lobby. They both watched it soar towards the front doors, which automatically opened for the hand and closed when it had fully passed through. Jake attempted to chop with the sword a couple of times as if he was cutting a head of lettuce, and then lit a large cigar to celebrate his victory. 

Danny rose back to his feet and, while Oliver Reed was chuckling to himself about what a great swordsman he was, he lurched forward and forced the sword out of Jake’s grasp. 

“BOLLOCKS!” Oliver Reed hollered in despair. “I’VE BEEN ROBBED!” 

“You’ve been saved,” Danny corrected Jake, holding the sword under Jake’s chin. 

“I’ll call it a draw,” Oliver Reed gulped. 

“You’re gonna do what I say, okay?” Danny growled at the troublemaker. Jake nodded, wincing at the feeling of the sword up against his jugular. “We’re gonna take a nice walk up to your room, you’re gonna get in bed, and you’re gonna have the best night’s sleep of your life.” 

“That sounds bloody nice,” Oliver Reed thought aloud. “Better than a sword through the heart, I reckon.” 

So Danny led Jake upstairs to his room, saw that he made it under his covers, and only left when he heard soft snores coming from the bed. Then he went to the shore of Lake Michigan and chucked the sword as far as he could. 

Finally feeling content with where things were at, Danny made his way to his own room and immediately passed out under the covers to sleep off the LSD. 

“I’m so sorry, Sir,” Danny told Doug with sincerity. “I tried to keep my friend from messing with your statue, but you should see how fast he moves while intoxicated. He’s like a cat.” 

“I should have talked to you first,” Doug gazed at Danny in interest. “That would have saved me a hell of a lot of time and a headache.” 

“What are you going to do with us?” Danny looked fearful. “I can promise you all of this was a big mixup, we have nothing against Captain Morgan, his brand, or your hotel partnership.” 

“Gather your friends. I want to talk to you all.” 

Danny looked on the brink of soiling himself, but he left the room and shortly came back with Jake, Josh and Sam. In his time away, Sam had managed to acquire a cheese board to serve as an accessory with the rest of his outfit. 

They all crowded into the cramped office and Jake shot Danny a worried glance. Danny wasn’t sure how much Jake knew or remembered, so he opted to keep his eyes glued to the floor. He hated how awful he was at lying when he was stressed; he should have done more to cover for his friend instead of recounting every part of the night in excruciating detail. Jake was bound to never talk to him again. Probably Josh too. Sam would most likely still be his friend because he thought it was funny when Jake got in trouble. 

“You’ve probably pieced together why I brought you all in here today,” Doug shared with the group. 

“Nope,” Sam shook his head. “I’m still stumped.” 

“My Captain Morgan statue was desecrated last night, and it’s come to my attention that one of you is at fault.” 

Danny continued to study the floor. 

“Captain Morgan?” Jake’s voice trailed off. His face dropped. The previous night was coming back to him fast. He had not stuck to water after his three pints of beer. 

“Oh no!” Josh called out. “I liked that guy! Very nice decor. Very aquatic.” 

“Captain Morgan,” Doug looked at Jake. Jake stared back at him with wide eyes. “Son, you really need to tone it down with the sour beers.” 

“So I’m not the one who’s in trouble?” Sam asked around. When no one responded to him, he gave the room a peace sign and strolled out the door. “Later skaters,” he called over his shoulder. 

“I know,” Jake choked. “Sour beers aren’t good for me.” 

“They’re just not good, period,” Josh corrected Jake. 

“It’s my fault too,” Danny burst out. “I should have stopped Jake.” 

“You tried your best,” Doug gave Danny a sympathetic gaze. “You weren’t the one who tore off the hand.” 

“But I did dump the sword in the lake.” 

“For the welfare of everyone in the vicinity. I can respect that.” 

“Wait, Jake had a sword last night?” Josh looked around at everyone. “And I missed it?” 

“I’m going to ask that you cover the charge to fix Captain Morgan,” Doug told Jake. “Whether it was your alter ego or not, you were caught on those security cameras doing the dirty work.” 

“So you knew it was me all along?” Jake couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Then why did you make us go through all of that interrogating?” 

Doug shrugged. “I mostly just wanted to try to understand why someone would destroy something as sacred as my Captain Morgan statue.” 

Jake pondered this and eventually nodded, like he understood where Doug was coming from. 

“But now I’m also sitting on a lot of information that the Green Bay police department would find valuable about that horse and helicopter theft that went down last night.” 

“You know, it’s been so nice meeting you,” Danny nervously chuckled, pushing on Jake and Josh’s backs to steer them out of the room. “Jake will get that check sent to you as soon as you get us the invoice. Whatever the price, we’ve got it covered. Thank you so much for your hospitality, and we’ll make sure to give this place five stars on Yelp.” 

Once they were out of the doorframe, Danny looked between the twins. 

“Run,” he hissed. “We’re not getting caught for any more of our crimes today.” 

[junowritings]

Hello! If you could do another matchup with Gale, since you mentioned that you nearly shipped me with him too, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks so much sweetie ^-^

I'm an autistic girl who also has adhd, asthma and chronic joint pain. I work as a librarian currently and am simultaneously very smart and scholarly and also full of energy. I'm definitely the sunshine person in a group, I love taking care of people and I'm very good at making other people laugh, I have a very dry witty sense of humor. I'm also super short, 4' 10"/147 cm, but I can get kinda insecure about it when dating. I have a very boyish style, long wavy auburn hair that floofs up around my head, glasses and I'm pale and covered in moles and freckles. I also love being out in nature, and if I can't be I bring nature to me, I have tons of houseplants.

Thank you so so much, have a great day!!

Sorry this took so long hun! Had to take a quick break from working through matchups but I'm hoping to get a couple more done so thanks so much for your patience on this~!

With that being said here's how I think things could go with...

I know we talked about how Halsin would appreciate you, but we know who else would love you - Gale!

The lovestory here damn near writes itself, especially given your current occupation. I mean where better for Gale to stumble upon love than a place teeming with potentially valuable and intriguing knowledge? More than likely this is where the two of you first cross paths - perhaps he’s come in looking for information on whatever subjects got his head racing with a thousand and one questions that need answers; or maybe he’s searched high and low for a specific subject material and this is his next stop in the hopes of finding it. Whatever it is, the guy comes for books, and stays for you. Because gods if his first meeting with you doesn’t stop the wizard in his tracks.

Your sharp mind is absolutely the first thing that draws him to you. You match his conversation topics and questions with a certainty and enthusiasm that speaks highly of your quick wit. You’re eager to indulge him as well, a welcoming ear to pass the time as you work,and because you seem to actually enjoy listening to him talk. Perhaps he gets a little carried away talking your ear off, but you don’t mind do you? What really gets him in the end is the smile that you flash at him before he leaves. That smile of yours is blinding, like the sun itself crinkles in the corners of your eyes and the curve of your lips when it's directed at him.

Of course he finds excuses to come around after this, both before and after you’re together. If it’s before then it’s all under one pretense or another.  Oh, he just so happens to be out of interesting reading material! Perhaps you could recommend some to him? Or he needs some help finding a specific tome and the aisle that it’s located in (as though this man doesn’t know any library like the back of his hand by like the third visit - I mean this is Gale we’re talking about.) Even after you pair get together he’ll make a point to come and see you, but he’s far less subtle about wanting to do it just to see you - spending time with you on your breaks and departing with a kiss or two as an incentive to help you get through the rest of the work day. 

Okay this is a personal hc but I’m pretty sure that Gale often deals with joint and back pain himself, so he understands a little of what you’re experiencing. When the chronic pain becomes overwhelming he’ll insist on you resting, attempting to ease the aches in your joints as best as he can with the stuff he keeps on hand at home. Goes overboard with research into spells that could help to offer a modicum of relief for your pain, or find a potionmaker who can give you something to ease the severity of the discomfort that you’re in. Whatever it takes to take some of that pain away from you Gale will do it - he can’t help but worry that whatever he’s doing isn’t enough sometimes but the sheer care this man puts into your wellbeing means a lot.

You say you love making people laugh, but you know what Gale loves more? Hearing you laugh. He’ll always throw in your jokes with a couple of his own; granted most of them are groan-worthy and some downright terrible, but so long as they get a smile out of you he considers it a job well done. Just about melts at the sound of your laughter, as though your laugh alone is enough to make him fall all over again. Gets this love struck puppy look in his eyes drinking in the sight, but he will fluster if you ask him what he’s looking at.

Another guy who understands that while it’s a sweet thing that you enjoy caring for others, sometimes you’ve got to take some time to yourself. If Gale sees that you’re potentially overworking yourself he’ll just straight up guide you away from it, gently assuaging your protests or worries with assurances that whatever you have to finish will always be there once you return. That being said he is a huge hypocrite of losing time in his own work and needs to be reminded sometimes that he needs to take breaks, so hopefully you’ve got that down pat with the tactics you know to lure him away from what he’s doing. Also Gale strikes me as the kind of partner who would come prepared with the little things that come through in a pinch. Considering you wear glasses I just know that he’d carry some cleaning cloths for them around for you. You don’t always need the kinds of things he brings along, but the little proud ‘aha!’ he lets out when you do need them is just too cute. 

Another 👏freckle👏appreciator👏. He’ll try to be smooth, pointing out patterns on your skin that match constellations and patterns in the stars that he recognizes, offering to trace the shape of them along your freckles to show you the similarity. Really it’s an excuse to cuddle up next to you and bask in your warmth as his fingers glide over every freckle and mole that you’ll allow him to touch. Good luck if you’re ticklish; he'll try to feign innocence if you laugh or squirm when his hand slides over any ticklish parts, but there’s no way he can keep a straight face about it, trying to hide his smile in the crook of your shoulder.

Gale is very much a ‘bring the nature to him’ kind of partner, in the sense that he’s far more on board with bringing the aspects that you love from the outside back into a far more familiar environment. And who doesn’t love being able to nurture your love of nature in the comfort of you own home? He’s had one or two plants at his home that are mostly self-sustaining, but as time goes on and you begin to integrate yourself more and more with his life, this number will quickly multiply. Hanging plants become especially prevalent throughout the entirety of his home, both because they don’t run the risk of accidentally being knocked over, and because the life they breathe into the place makes his tower feel a lot homier and cozy. Will tell you now that Gale WILL have plant favorites - he will get invested in its care and will keep that thing on his favorite windowsill with adequate access to necessities. (you may have also caught him using his magic a couple of times to give the lil thing a boost when he thinks you’re not looking - a fitting use for a master of the weave I’m sure.)

[yourlocalabstraction]

Guys wake up the yourlocalabstraction-ified Heart and Mind designs just dropped

Text translations below!

added annotations that aren’t on the canvas will be italicized

Notes for Mind:

I have a LOT of ideas

Hair has floof but still is angular

Ball jointed

Cane to help w/ inefficient/rusty leg joints. I think it doubles as a cool looking septer too. This isnt fully scrapped, i plan to use this occasionally!! The cane will probably resemble an umbrella and have more sun motifs because yes

A metal petticoat thing would be really neat however idk if i can make it work .__. [spoiler alert, it didnt work]

GENDER ENVY. GENDER. ENVY.

Paint chipped from Juno incident [Juno aimed for his heart. Like that would do anything]

Sun on da back,,,

Mind-coded brush dump [reference the 753356 brush swatches]

This canvas has like 80 layers please send help

Voice modulator is normally covered when he’s around the others. Poor bby

Adding random notes to fill the canvas

Crown goes away towards the end of cacophony, somewhere btw. Light + TWWAY since bro no longer needs to assert dominance. [comes back every reset though ofc]

Can visualize ideas via hologram [inspired by NaraArts in the CJFS]

Him jumpscare

Notes for Heart:

Maybe has a life support thing? (Idk what they’re called). Perhaps bc he’s blind, the lil heart can give him info about his environment. Or it could help him express his emotions (i have no idea what i meant by this. Maybe its like an emotional support creature). Idfk man. Plus its a more unique take ig. Annnnd spoiler alert this whole idea was scrapped. Will it ever come back? We may never know.

Drastic height difference??? (Between him and the life support thing)

Longer, majestic blindfold tails

Thicker hips to contrast Mind’s proportions

No wings, around-back wings, lil but impractical wings, arm wings (i ended up going for arm wings)

W.o. Blindfold: Injury from middle prong (i have realized the correct word is tine. My b) (also when drawing his face in the future I’ll probably draw his injuries more prominent because its more realistic)

Going for more rounded lips

Probably is very self conscious of his face, especially after the trident incident. Poor bby <3

Idea: wing cloak?!? Heart-shaped knot over da heart (this was also scrapped)

Will be continued on another canvas! He needs a fit…

Ngl im struggling a bit. I want something wing-like but im not exactly sure how to portray it .__. All i know is we gotta have rounded shapes + moon symbols ig

I kinda want him to have a more traditional? Classy? Vibe (nvm i went for smth more cozy) to contrast Mind’s industrial aesthetic.

[arrow pointing to my sona] paranoid that seeing 2 billion HMS fan designs has ruined my ability to create a unique interpretation

Side of the leg view: feathery floof

Ourple veins!! (Maybe not this dark tho)

Socks !!

Idea: he stiches (I MISSPELLED THAT FUCK) on patches that represent Whole’s favorite and/or current and/or most prominent memories. Or maybe Mind sews on new ones every Concord once they become besties,,, THE PLATONIC BONDING POTENTIAL AAAA *STIM STIM STIMMMM*

If you read this far, here. (gives you a grilled cheese sandwich)

[ragingstillness]

Finally getting around to watching CM:E

Thoughts thus far:

Rossi is sad and I remain pissed that they killed Krystal for no reason

Grey!Em is still my favorite thing

Happy to hear some swearing, the original show needed more of it

Let Rossi say fuck 2k24

“Remote Garcias” “we’re not gonna learn their names” lol Luke stays savage

“Anglophile baking club” oh come on Garcia. We all saw how shockingly queer everyone at that party is. It’s a kiki, plain and simple

Weren’t Luke and Garcia going to go on a date? Oh it’s been three years

“Take your carbs and exit sir” I love Garcia so much

“Hoo-ha” lol, burn Goop to the ground

“Korean drama” it’s a BTS anti unsub

Garcia straight up flapping I love her so much

Damn the writers for this Krystal flashback

Emily is gonna eat this Deputy Director alive

Oh thank fuck at least the rest of Dave’s family is alive

The Galvez cheek kiss *eeeee*

That little head kiss, Rossi’s such a dad/grandad

Damn Sicarius how do you have the time to dig all these holes?

Hahahahahaha I picked up on Tara and Rebecca at the same time as Emily

Waha Tara being openly queer!!!

Paget is like a proud mama that someone in the BAU finally gets to be queer

Dang this cashier girl is like literally saying exactly what I do at work

“My floof” I relate to this girl so hard

“Jagoff!” “Fuckhead!” Get his ass Rossi

Damn this therapy talk is so accurate go Garcia

Garcia and Rossi’s friendship is my Roman Empire

Man I can’t believe Sicarius actually thought that he could control obsessional killers. Dude, they aren’t going to listen to you

Sicarius you anti-retail asshole. I will dream of smashing you in the head with an axe from the hardware store where I work

Emily and Dave walking together both with grey hair look so cool now

“Is everyone but me getting laid?” “I’m not” lol ngl I appreciate the increased sexual humor

That’s my girl Garcia! I hate what it’s gonna do to your mental health to be back but I’m happy to see you

Dude if you’re gonna be a criminal psychopath with these amazing computer skills, how are you not at least making money off of it? Like, there is zero reason for you to be poor. Normally I wouldn’t say that about anyone but dude, are you seriously providing these kill kits for free?

Wait a sec he actually /took/ the dog? He didn’t just kill it? Dickhead!

“This fucking guy” yeah Rossi, read my mind about most unsubs on this show

Rebecca and Tara’s height difference is kind of killing me in this elevator scene they’re so cute

Garcia are you wearing Rocky Horror earrings? Love that

Haha fine furry friends returns

Dang y’all is Rossi the only one allowed to say fuck? It makes him sound like a teenager that just learned all the swear words. Let Garcia say fuck 2k24

I can’t believe that it’s an actual plot line that COVID prevented serial killers from killing so they had to change it up and go online. I’m sure the writers thought it sounded cool but it just sounds silly. What, did Sicarius’ first kill kits also include PPE?

Also why are these guys so willing to kill themselves for Sicarius? They seem like devoted to the cause and frankly, so many of these guys are narcissists and we’ve just seen one defy Sicarius, why are they listening to him? Seriously? No matter what he has on them, why would they consider it more important to follow his orders than their compulsions?

“You two-faced little jerk” yeah I hope he heard that

Soon we’re gonna be seeing Emily’s daydreams about killing people, not just Sicarius’.

Seriously, the idea of Sicarius having money problems is so dumb to me. He’s been shown to have immense resources and technological capability as well as ample time to use them. There is no reason why he should be financially unstable. I get that stuff like private school is expensive but dude, DUDE, you’re running a network of serial killers! It’s not THAT expensive! I feel like this whole plot point is set up to humanize him to a degree and it isn’t working well.

God whatever props guy worked on these posts for the fake forum Sicarius is using had fun. There’s a user named George_Jungle_fkr whose post consists of “I have a waifu, too!!! She lives in the jungle. I fuck in the jungle. I kill in the jungle.” With a profile picture of George of the Jungle. No shit. Pause on that screen, it’s wild. User GetHungry1893 with a post about not judging people and a profile pic of a man with bloody hands sucking on a bone. User NotSoFast with a drag racing car profile pic and with a post titled “I’m getting more guns!” That then goes on to use the phrase “waifu” and *wink wink*. User Tiredoftheblood101 with a bloodspot clipart profile pic and use of the term “OP”, asking about how to kill his MOM (capitalization his). Also in the background a user named Anonymous1232 with the anonymous logo as their profile pic.

Wait Sicarius actually has a real job? He wasn’t just bullshitting about it so he could travel all over the country? What, is running this serial killer network like a side hustle for him? Wait wait wait and he’s going on business trips that the company is actually sending him on? Like he’s following their directives? And driving a company car? This is insane. If they’re gonna characterize Sicarius the way they have been, none of this makes sense. Side note: the guy playing Sicarius is actually a good actor and after some of the previous disappointments (Scratch and the Chameleon) it’s nice to see.

This DEI discussion between Sicarius’ daughter and the redneck neighbor was not something I expected to see in Criminal Minds.

“You fucking beta cuck” yeah pretty much what I’d expect from a guy like this. But also, hysterical to hear incel language being used in real life. Damn man, you just called his daughter a bitch? He’s gonna flay you alive! I wouldn’t provoke anyone like that, even without knowing they’re the head of a serial killer network. Anyone can snap you dumbass.

“Somebody should do something about that guy.” Oh of course she says this to the serial killer. Good lord. “I’m glad you’re not that somebody.” Oh honey yes he is lol. Or he’ll send someone from the network to do it.

Ha I just realized that I carried a case exactly like the kill kit cases when I worked for the Red Cross. Contained equally suspicious things (needles, gauze, etc), if you didn’t know what company I was working for lol.

“Those who bankrolled you” then why is he having money problems god this is so dumb! “I’m not putting a gun to my head” yeah I predicted this would happen.

More hysterical users on Sicarius’ platform: User NotSoFast at it again “I miss my family. Bad aim” User Ript4u, with a muscular torso pic talking about the fruitlessness of love, calling people lemmings, “simps,” “bitchboy,” “I will dominate,” and the delightful paragraph “These bitches think they’re got it all figured out. Walking on a cloud of happy thoughts and unicorn farts.”

Haha Garcia said fan fiction! We made it to the mainstream lol.

“Honey let it go” woman he called your daughter a bitch! I’d punch him for that!

Damn Tara you’re gonna get your gf fired

“Typical bureaucratic bullshit” yes YES the old man is out! Rossi ur a king

Is Sicarius really there in person! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Oh wow he is what a dumbass! And so close to the bomb zone too! Did you want to get blown up too?!

Yeah bringing in domestic terror was a mistake.

“Excellent. I never wanted it in the first place” also kind of misogynistic to turn to Rossi after Emily rejected you.

“Wank-weasel” Garcia ur my spirit animal

“You’re a hedge fund manager with a badge. You have never done anything” get his ass Emily! I guess after Barnes the BAU has completely lost their patience for bureaucratic dickheads

“I just wanted you to hold my hand” they are soft gfs and I love them

About time one of the unsubs turned on Sicarius

Screw the propaganda that you can just make dogs eat people when they’ve been totally docile and relaxed their whole lives

Hey Sicarius, you remembering how annoying it is to do your own cleanup now?

Who the fuck is this guy Elias is hallucinating?

Genuinely curious how he finds time to make these custom foam inserts for the briefcases

Ok why is it taking so long to identify the victims found from Sicarius? This is set in 2022, DNA is fast and common.

Can’t believe this Tyler guy looked into Garcia enough to send her the encrypted locations but not enough to figure out she literally worked for the FBI. His anger over her handing over the info makes zero sense.

I know a lot of ppl hate Will for getting in the way of Jemily but he’s a very good husband. Patient, intelligent, cute. I like him.

“I believe you, but will Mom?” This new sibling energy between Rossi and Emily is everything. Also that burgundy blazer set is amazing on her.

I think Tyler has a little crush on Garcia. He just wants a woman who will kick his ass.

“Because of you I feel safe in our home” so cute literally so romantic I love them when they’re sweet

Only tangentially related but I’d love to see an episode where a serial killer breaks into another serial killer’s house. Like would it go “whoops my bad” or “you asshole you jacked my plan!” or would they just kill each other

Garcia’s little rant is hilarious

“I’m not a problem. I’m a delight. I’m a little dramatic but wonderful” yes you are Garcia

I almost believe the deputy director truly didn’t want to be overseeing this case. My guess, without watching the episode, is that he wants to prove he has some field experience so Emily can’t use it against him anymore. Also he might have a small crush on her and be a little afraid of Rossi. This season is full of men who like dominant women and I support that. I don’t support any sort of relationship between this man and Emily but I support the concept

“Bullshit. She broke your heart.” Welcome to working with profilers sir.

Also finally figured out what Emily’s scathing inditement of the deputy director reminded me of: it’s Hotch’s profiling of his team to defend them against Strauss

Emily’s smile when she finally got one over the deputy director, so pretty

Garcia and her ‘puter like she literally did the cat meme

Ok the orange crocs are a sin I would throw a folder at him too

Not surprised Will doesn’t have cancer but pissed they even teased us with it.

Haha Garcia is gonna make that dude keep the cat lol

Oh hey Sicarius. Nice to see you. Gonna kill a senator now?

lol Sicarius is like yeah I’m not sticking around for this freaky Oedipal shit. You can bankroll me, but I’m not into voyeurism on this

I know we’re supposed to be worried but 1) using a streaming site undercuts the tension of thinking a character will die and 2) that was the sexiest wheels up ever

Hahaha wow they didn’t even try to give us a realistic justification for Sicarius taking off his shirt

[butmakeitgayblog]

Please tell me you have more headcanons about professor elbow patches with her giant floof baby?

I have a whole lifetime of them 🥹

On the ride home after breakin him loose from that shelter, she just kept looking over at this lil face staring at her

And it was like "😳.... ok well... I guess it's you and me now, bud."

So after quick trip to the pet store and dropping roughly half her normal food budget on Dog Stuff™, Lexa, ever the studious kind, went home and immediately spent 4 hours straight just researching the breed. Which led to her canceling all her classes the next day and immediately getting him into a vet to start doggie physio for his hips, and then enrolling them both in in-person doggie bootcamp training classes, cuz she realized pretty quickly, "omg, I just adopted a headstrong behemoth" and she needed the tools to be a good dog mom just as much as he did.

Is it shocking she's also drawn to stubborn women as well? A mystery we may never solve.

But anyway, it's worth it cuz his hips strengthen and though he'll always have kind of a funny shuffle/wiggle to his butt when he walks or runs, he's a happy boy who starts letting his playful side out damn near right away (he never quite gets past the stage of accidentally knocking things/people over with said butt tho 😬). He's every bit a gentleman and a scholar, and she realizes he's actually this gentle giant who'd just been a little lonely guy waiting for someone to soak up all the love he has to give.

It's embarrassing to admit that even after having been married for almost 20 years, she can sadly relate 😔

And so they fall into a routine. She trains him to be a proper young man, to wipe his paws on the rug when comes inside and kindly not to clean his penis when they have guests (a stern "Sir ಠ_ಠ, there are ladies present" is enough for him to remember his manners.) He does have drooling issues, extensively so, but they work ~together~ to mitigate that with little towel covered stands placed in every room, so when mom says, "sir, please go fix your face" he knows it's time to dab the jowls. Between that and the fresh supply of bandanas she keeps tied around his neck they keep the splatter-factor to a minimum.

It's never zero splatter or drip, but it's better.

And yes ok maybe she talks to him like a human. More like with respect, is how she feels about it 😤. I mean when he's full grown he's as tall as she is on hind quarters, he's practically his own chonky person. And despite the fact that he can't seem to really grasp the fact that he'll never again fit entirely in mom's lap, he's smart and stubborn about the weirdest things and very, very loving. Not a great conversationalist, but Lexa never thought of herself as the chatty type anyway. He's just his own big personality, and she treats him as such💕

[pinkwavybubbles]

Pickwick, The Son of Batlyn and Papyrus.

And now we have the sons of Batlyn and Papyrus in alternative timelines. They are painted bats and pretty big guys. Now for their information!

Pickwick (UnderSwap)

Sweetest guy you could ever meet and not just because he smells of vanilla custard. Pickwick is a soft spoken bat who does his best to defuse terrible situations with reason and facts. Despite him being taller then his dad, Papyrus still calls him “pipsqueak”. Pickwick loves to help with anything even if it might cost his own life.

Moro (Underfell)

For a guy from a timeline where everyone is “evil”, Moro is pretty scared and shy to do anything bad at all. He has major anxiety issues and thinks of himself as a burden to nearly everyone. His wings are disabled so he can’t fly but he won’t let that get him down when he needs to be brave. He and his dad have a rocky relationship that needs working.

Radical (UnderTale)

Full of himself and cool as hell. Radical is the cool home boy of the group and likes to show off his muscles given at any chance. The hoodie around his neck actually doesn’t fit him so he wears it around his neck because he thought it’ll make him cooler looking. Despite his big ego, he’s also a sweetheart.

Hood (SwapFell)

Mysterious and dangerous are the two most used words to describe this man. Hood is more touched to his animal side then the others as he loves to make others scared of him. His face is blacked out because he doesn’t want anyone to see what he actually looks like. He does work as a fry cook at a burger place however. Oh and uh, he stinks. Stinky boy

Lens (Outertale)

If you look like a model or just happen to be in a good spot for a photo, Lens is gonna take a snap at you. Lens is a photographer and is very passionate with his work! Lens is a flirtatious, fun and overall sweet guy with a big love for how beautiful the world can be sometimes. He’s the only Pickwick who’s not living with his parents as he lives in a dorm room at his collage for photography. Lens’ floof has no gravity so it’s always floating and looks bigger then the others.

Annnnnd that’s the boys!

[fluffy-ami]

“Too sweet for me 🍰”

(RanPoe)

A/N: A gift for our sweet and inspiring @jettori (SJHDSJJSSJ the lightning kinda strikes and boom, ami needs ranpoe floof-)! I'm glad you are doing well, pancake 🥞✨

(Also I'm using this post to be like YOYOYO OMG 200+ FOLLOWERS GUYS WHEN AND WHERE AND HOW- I LOVE YOU-💖)

Characters: Ranpo Edogawa, Edgar Allan Poe (romantic, please don't read if you don't like it)

Summary: “I know what you're thinking about. For once, just for this once, I want these thoughts to stop running around in this little head of yours. Just look at me, just let go and laugh... Do you trust me with this, dear?”

“You know, we could read together... if you want”.

“Not in the mood”.

The young detective was sitting quietly at the table, his head on his palms, staring at the window. It was dark and raining heavily outside, with the occasional sounds of thunder interrupting Edogawa's thoughts.

“Come on, it's getting pretty late. You should have a rest,” Poe sighed, leaning on the doorframe and observing his boyfriend's small and even kind of sad-looking figure from the back.

“Working,” Ranpo mumbled in response nonchalantly. Some case files were scattered all over the table, untouched.

“I didn't mean your ‘work’,” Edgar huffed out a quiet laugh, stepping into the room and leaning over the other's shoulder, trying to take a look at his face, “I know you're thinking about it again. Go easier on yourself, dear”.

Edogawa furrowed his eyebrows slightly, turning his head away from him.

“Questioning your own worth after all, I see...” Poe hummed, a little bit sadly, “You want to talk about it once more? You know, I'm always here and my ears are ready to listen.���

The younger male kept looking away, going silent for a few seconds.

“It's... all the same,” he finally sighed, “There's nothing to talk about. Maybe you're right. I guess I'm just... a little bit too tired. Maybe”.

“I just want you to know that... having troubles with solving the case when you're not feeling like it doesn't make you look worse as a person. It doesn't make you look worse in any way,” Edgar spoke in a soft voice, gently hugging Ranpo from behind, “To me, to Fukuzawa, to the whole Agency - you are the most important person. Important in many ways”.

Feeling the younger male relax a little in his embrace, Poe smiled reassuringly. But he also wanted to see the detective's face now.

“Ran, just why can't you accept the fact that solving the case for a little bit longer than 15 seconds is absolutely okay, when you also don't have the-”

“I hahave my ability!” the detective really tried to sound serious, but...

“...Sure you do, giggles,” Edgar whispered with a smile, leaning a tiny bit closer to his partner's right ear on purpose, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“O-of course I- stahahap it!..” Ranpo squeaked, biting back a smile and trying to scrunch up his shoulders.

“Hm? Stop what? You don't want me to talk about how perfect you are on your own?” Poe's little smile became wider as soon as he saw Edogawa's ears turn an adorable shade of red.

“Yehehes..!” giggling quietly, the young detective managed to wriggle free from his partner's warm embrace and get up from his chair, covering his ear with his hand, his face flushed pink already.

“Ah, no-no-no, darling, not this time,” Edgar shook his head and came closer, chuckling softly and pulling Ranpo back by his waist with ease, being really gentle and using very little strength, “For someone who doesn't want it to happen, you sure don't look like you're running away...”

“Wehell, if yohou lehet mehe go, I wihill- WAHAHA– DOHON'T YOU DAHAHARE!..” Edogawa squealed loudly, feeling the familiar hands starting to squeeze his sides. This distraction was enough for his boyfriend to make them both fall on the bed, Poe laying comfortably on top of the detective and looking directly into his eyes, his smile wide.

“You know, I always say that I'm ready to listen, but I think that this certain someone we have here needs to learn how to listen, too”.

“Noho, oh nohoho!” Ranpo tittered, trying to shove at the writer's head half-heartedly, “Gehet off of mehehe! Thahat's a crime against peherson! Ahand thahat person is your bohoyfriend!..”

“I'll make sure to buy the biggest cake to make it up to you, little sugar cube,” the writer couldn't help but be amused at how his partner's blush instantly deepened at the nickname, “Sorry, but for now this big and scary criminal only wants to hear these sweet giggles of yours!”

“Ohoh shuhuhush...” Ranpo let out a giggly whine, covering his face with his hands.

“So there is something I'd like to talk about...”

“Dohohon't tahalk to mehehe!..”

“...about how hardworking...”

His breath tickling Ranpo's ear.

“...how talented...”

Now his neck... Oh no, oh no...

“...and how beautiful you are”.

The detective couldn't help but burst into squeaky giggles as soon as he felt his burning sensitive ear being peppered with kisses.

“Ihi'm nahahat..!” he squealed, kicking his legs out slightly and trying to scrunch up his shoulders, but it was far from enough to stop or even bother the novelist, “Stahahap it!”

“What, can't handle the truth? Are my words a little bit too sweet for you, dear?” Poe giggled along with his partner, blowing on his red little ear.

“Tohooth-rotting!” the younger shot back, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head at the sensation as he wiggled under the writer like a worm.

“Oh shush, don't be like that, I know we're both loving it,” the older male pouted jokingly, pinching at his boyfriend's sides to make him yelp cutely, ”You work an awful lot, but, even when you're feeling burnt out, who said that you should forget about what a great and smart detective you are? You know, you don't hahave to sue people every day to prove it!”

“S-stahap tahalking alreheady..!” Ranpo didn't even bother to try and argue anymore as he threw his head back, squealing like a child, his hair messy from all that squirming, his face and ears bright red from laughing, compliments and Poe's small amused chuckles ringing pleasantly in his head. The latter looked up once again, quietly admiring the detective's features and feeling his own face become a little bit pink.

“...Do you have any idea how much I love you?” he suddenly asked, stopping all the tickles. The raven haired male raised his head, looking surprised by the question (and even more flustered now, which made Poe huff out another little laugh).

Ranpo looked in his partner's eyes which were half-hidden by his hair, looking at him happily; his sincere smile, which was full of love and support, and he just- couldn't- Did he even deserve someone like Poe..?

“I'm... Poe, I'm juhust-” the detective stuttered, now avoiding eye contact.

“No-no-no,” the older male cut him off softly, leaning in forward and making their foreheads touch, “I know what you're thinking about. For once, just for this once, I want these thoughts to stop running around in this little head of yours. Just look at me, just let go and laugh... Do you trust me with this, dear?”

Ranpo was silent for a few seconds, but eventually lay his head back down on the pillow, blushing like mad and retracting his hands from the novelist's shoulders:

“...Okay. Just for a little bit, though”.

“You can hold onto me if you want,” the latter smiled sweetly at him.

The younger male thought for another moment, and his hands awkwardly returned to where they were a few seconds ago.

“Well, come here, then,” his partner laughed, lowering his head once again-

“I sAHAid yohou cahan tihickle me, but I didn't sahay you cohould tOHOuch my ehears!..” suddenly, Ranpo's high-pitched giggling filled the room. Nobody was even touching him yet!

“No?” Poe tilted his head slightly, as if he was surprised, “But how are we going to continue our conversation?”

“Noho mohore tahalking abohout mehe, thehen!”

“But that's the whole purpose!”

“Nohoho!”

The writer always considered funny the fact that his partner wasn't able to take any kind of compliments if tickling was involved. This knowledge made Poe a little bit braver in situations like this, but the detective always made sure to get him back (usually, tenfold, but we don't talk about that).

“Oh... Maybe your neck, then?”

“Noho, I'm waharning- pleHEEHEEase..!” Ranpo's shriek quickly dissolved into shrill giggling and his fingers softly squeezed the novelist's shoulders, as soon as his boyfriend tried to blow a tiny, shy raspberry on the side of his neck. Poe just couldn't tickle him roughly or even all that confidently, because, the moment he heard the detective's laughter or saw his smile, it was impossible to really concentrate because of this tingly feeling in his chest.

A couple of small raspberries was soon followed by the avalanche of neck kisses, which made Ranpo want to curl up into himself and squeal eternally. All of this was too much, his face was going to explode...

“Okay, ohokay, you said just a little bit, so there's just a few more things we need to do,” the novelist stopped to give his partner a little break.

“Ohoh gohohod...” the detective tittered, covering his flushed face with his hands and trying to calm down.

But, to be honest... with his non-stop giggling, with all this warmth, with this feeling of safety and belonging... Ranpo couldn't even really tell why he was so upset just a few minutes ago. His partner was one of the few people he could show this side of himself to, and Poe was the only one who always knows what exactly to do to help him feel better...

“...Ihit's nohot fahair,” the younger male let out a sarcastic, giggly groan, ”You nehever lehet me be like these cohold, mysterious dehetectives in moHOVIES–”

He flinched suddenly, but didn't even say anything in protest when he felt these familiar fingers starting to move down his ribs with tiny, gentle pokes, making Edogawa melt further into the bed in his quiet, muffled, high-pitched childlike chuckles.

“Nonono, no Mr. Gloomy Ran-Ran in this office, not on my watch!” Poe grinned playfully, slowly lifting the other's shirt up and revealing Ranpo's quivering tummy, “Are we ready, oh my Greatest-and-the-Most-Ticklish-detective in the world?”

“Wh-whahat are yohou- nOHo-! Noho kisses! I waHAsn't reHEHEADY-!..”

A/N: It's not perfect and probably ooc as hell, but I WANTED THE FLOOF WITH THESE TWO AT 3 AM AND DAMN I'M NOT GONNA REREAD THIS AFTER PUBLISHING, I'M SCARED-

I REALLY TRIED, SO I HOPE THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH, ILY JETT, DRINK WATER AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF while I'm gonna disappear again, but at least I feel happy now that I finished it 🤡🌸✨🍃

[notallangelsaregood]

My thoughts on Spy x Family Chapter 83

Needless to say, my folks, huge manga spoilers ahead 🌹

Oh, boy, I was totally wrong! He he, but also, I got some things right!

No more guns, thanks, Lord! What was this wait? I was anxious, trying to keep my head off the upcoming update, and It was successful, I relaxed a little bit and BOOM, Sunday came, and I didn't even realize It was chapter's day, until I saw the notification on my smartphone and read it all in 10 seconds (have I mentioned I'm diagnosed with anxiety? No? Okay, yeah).

Now I'm trying to analyze a little bit of this week's chapter with you all while trying to stay sane till the next one, may Endo help us! So, I got a few hypotheses right! Actually, I believe only one 🤣

No revelations yet!

Which is something I'm really grateful for, even though we can not be sure if it will happen in the next chapters, I truly believe it won't. I feel like it's not the moment, the manga is at its peak (so is the anime) gaining a huge amount of notoriety and I don't Believe Endo would rush things, not right now. So I'm glad, I really feel revelations will make the story take a huge turn that we are not quite ready for it. There's so much to happen yet! What is the Garden? Which side is the organization it? What about Westalis? We know nothing. Spy x Family is a huge slow burn, and I'm all in for it.

CAN SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE? OH, WAIT, NO, NEVERMI-

Twillight is the one hurt, I'm surprised, truly. Yuri is quite a soldier, however, the hesitation present there was bigger than Twilight's ability, reflex and advantage (since he was the one pointing the gun first). My heart truly hurts for seeing him injured, I can't even explain. We've grown fond of our Spy, and It's not a nice feeling. At all

I know, I know he will be fine, he can't die or anything (haha, can he?😨) But still, it is making my heart hurts. In need for those "Yor takes care of Loid's wounds" fanfictions, please? Moving on.

See? Our Twilight is a smart guy. He senses his wavering. He knows it is there, but he doesn't understand why. He can't figure that by hurting (or killing) Yuri, he would deeply hurt Yor, and he would not do that. His unconscious is pretty clearly messing up with his conscious mind and decision-making. I doubt he will bring that up to the Handler, but it's possible, since they know each other very well. My guess is that Sylvia will just know. He won't even say a word and she will know.

Yeah, Yuri boy, I would totally be creeped out as well. His ability is outstanding and scary, even.

See? This guy had this major hypothesis (which is right?) figured in like, 5 seconds? He is so bright, Yor is proud as floof as she should. Yes, Yuri, he is someone close to you, someone observing you.

"But that doesn't matter now!" It will surely matter once you find out, but my guess is that he will keep that insight for himself, trying to figure it out on his own, but who knows? It will certainly be on his head, constantly.

Yuri's hair, I'm like 🤣 Our poor boy. Yes, Yuri, Twilight is tough, but so are you! What am I even saying? I don't have a side in this (kinda do). I want both of them not to be involved, never again fighting, for my heart's sake. They are both precious babies I want to keep them protected, but It's not up to us, right, Endo? Humpf...

Oh, well. GOOD THING he will live, Twilight, thank you for your unintentional totally intentional mercy.

I'm

Not okay. Look at his expression. I'm dying. I'm out of breath. Why is Endo like this? I mean, we are in a serious as floof situation, with conflict going on and you drew what? An expression like that which made me burst out laughing at 3 a.m? Dude.

He is a tough boy, I must admit.

Those expressions are killing me. And the worse, I don't know which one is which. That kick must have decreased the chances of a large family lineage for one of them, for sure 🍒 If you know what I mean.

Yuri on his fight mode is scary (not as much, but it is), just like his sister. I believe one of Endo's objectives is to make us scared of the Briar's brothers and damn, boy, yeah. I don't like that "I will kill everything on my way" expression.

This was such on point. I loved it, I mean, his floofing daughter is being raised by Yor, so I would consider it a huge plus. Besides, he is thinking of her consciously right now. It's not his unconscious, unknown feelings and thoughts. He is rationalizing and that's major.

Yeah, that resilience is not even NORMAL anymore. Mama Yor, can you pick me up? I'm scared 😨

Oh, well, okay, that's expected. Poor Yuri is going to be so hurt after this. I'm wondering if Yor will know about his or Twilight's injuries, she is not as bright as his brother, but she can think about it later, can't she? I wonder If Yuri will visit her while recovering. The tension in the air if Loid is also on this meeting. Damn. This was so much better than a revelation or a simply hurt Twilight. This growing tension makes things so much better (and torturing).

He is such a good brother.

And this expression right here is a Twilight on Twilight Conflicted Mode. Yeah, I just made that up, but he is clearly conflicted, may be in pain and not getting understanding a single thought coming from his mind. Only focused on getting out of there, leaving that behind.

Okay, from this part on I understood ✨ nothing ✨

My reasoning is not that nice and I should be sleeping right now, but I can't due to anxiety, so bear with me, please.

Yes, it did! WISE is the best, haha, wha-

Okay, she is also incredible smart, yada yada, I don't want to write about Fiona. Let's move on!

Damn, folks. Theories? My brain is jello. I can't even function due to the last of sleep, but here I am. Make sure to talk to me in the comments, I really appreciate it. Sorry for any misspelling or typos. Be sure to leave a beautiful kudo and talk to me about what you think will happen next!

I'm certainly less nervous about it, our last chapter was very open to where this one would go, and I'm glad of two things, mainly

No time skip! It started right where it was left.

Our boys are fine! Yuri will be fine. Thank you, Endo!

I miss our girls so much, and Bond boy! 😭

[disgruntled-lifeform]

Here we go, fibre haul! You guys ready?

So all of these lovely bits of floof were purchased from The Fiber Imp.

The owner is so nice, I thought I'd give them a little shout out so you guys can buy any floof you like the look of here:

Most of the nerdy stuff I am sourcing my info from is a site called NWyarns.com which has great indepth info in the histories of many breeds of sheep and how they became the sheep we have today.

If I grab info from another website then I'll mention it specifically but otherwise this all comes from NWyarns.

Now let's dig in shall we?

First up, we have Rocky Mountain Skies

This one is commercially dyed and all 100% merino.

Domesticated in Mesopotamia sometime between 11,000 and 9,000 BCE

If you were not select royalty you were pretty much out of luck – there were no legitimate ways for the average sheep farmer to get a prized Merino ram or ewe until about the first decade into the 1800s. However, there were certainly illegitimate ways. Paying someone to smuggle Merino sheep out of Spain offered the chance of a prized ram or ewe. Certainly that is how the U.K. acquired their first Merino sheep (4 rams and 2 ewes), which Sir Robert Banks paid some enterprising business person to smuggle out of Spain via Portugal.

However, more often than not, it appears that the people purchasing Merinos through less than legitimate means during this time frame were either getting scammed or simply provided with any Spanish sheep that smugglers could manage to get out of Spain.

Merino is renowned for its fineness and elasticity, which can be made into woven, knitted, crocheted or felted wool fabrics that can be very comfortably worn directly against the skin. Merino is graded to a variety of micron widths including Superfine (17.6-18.5 microns), Fine or Extrafine (18.6-19.5 microns), Fine Medium (19.6-20.5 microns) and Medium (20.6-22.5 microns). Unless otherwise specified, you will find that most merino available in commercial clothing and most yarns is in the Fine Medium to Medium range. However, even though the Fine Medium and Medium Merino is the most common, it is by no means coarse! 22.5 microns is still quite fine, and extremely comfortable to wear directly against your skin.

Next up is Spellbound

75% 18.5 Micron Merino / 25% Mulberry Silk

This next bit of info comes from Casper.com:

Mulberry silk comes from the Morus Alba tree.

Originating in China over 5,000 years ago, “sericulture” is the ancient process of spinning silk.

Mulberry silk is made from the cocoon of the Bombyx mori moth. Before metamorphosis, the caterpillar feeds exclusively on the white mulberry leaf.

Smoother and stronger than any other silk in the world, mulberry silk is a textile powerhouse. Famous for its durability and lightweight quality, mulberry silk is able to retain up to a third of its weight in moisture. Because of this, it doesn’t emit a smell when damp and doesn’t need to be left out to dry for a long amount of time, making it relatively easy to manage.

Au Naturel

Undyed blend of superfine merino, dark brown alpaca, mulberry silk and baby camel.

Alpaca:

Alpacas are in the camelid family -- the same biological family as camels and llamas.  

Although they can be found around the world today, alpacas originated in the Andes mountain range of South America. They are descended from vicuña, a wild camelid native to South America, in the Andes mountain range.  The domestication of the alpaca for fiber and meat began up to 6000 years ago, with the people who lived in the Andes.

Alpaca hairs are hollow, making it a go-to fiber for crafters and manufacturers who are looking for softness with superior insulating properties. It is also surprisingly strong for such a soft, fluffy fiber.

Alpaca fiber comes in various qualities, ranging from fibers nearly as soft and luxurious as cashmere to lower quality fibers with a similar texture to fine wool. Most yarn and spinning fiber available relies on the high quality, fine alpaca. It is more difficult to find coarser alpaca, as there is little demand for it in North America. Alpaca is also hypoallergenic, making it very popular for people with skin sensitivities.

This next bit is from SpinoffMagazine regarding the Bactrian camel:

Bactrian camels have two humps and are found primarily in Mongolia and China.

Bactrians are the source for the soft down we associate with fine camel hair garments. Their fiber naturally sheds and can be combed away or gathered as it falls.

While the website for the Cashmere and Camel Hair Manufacturers states that Bactrian camels produce as much as 17 to 22 pounds of fiber annually, other sources cite amounts as low as 5 pounds. The higher amounts probably include both hair and down.

The outer coat and mane hair is long (12 inches or more) and coarse. It protects the animal from the elements, shedding dirt and water. The fine undercoat is much shorter, averaging 1 to 5 inches long, although it usually measures less than 3 inches in length. Some of the fiber shortness in commercial camel preparations may result from the dehairing process. The micron counts (fiber diameter) for camel fiber have a huge range. While the down averages 20 to 23 microns (similar to Merino wool), it can be as fine as the finest cashmere.

Samples from some United States Bactrian camel hair that had all the outer coat fibers removed ranged from 6 to 120 microns, with most of the sample measuring 18 to 19 microns. Camel hair has some crimp and a small amount of elasticity.

When working with the fiber in batt form (a cloud of carded fiber), I simply peel off thin layers of fiber.

Rovings (strands of carded fiber with a small amount of twist) and top (strands of long fibers in parallel arrangement) require no further preparation although they are sometimes easier to spin when split into narrower strips.

Because the camel fiber is short, thin strands of roving or top will probably drift apart if you try to predraft. You can also prepare for a lightweight yarn by handcarding the down fiber from any form into rolags.

This next bit of fibre is what pulled me into the shop in the first place, Dragon's Breath

Bamboo:

In the late 19th century, the first semi-synthetic fiber in history was invented – viscose rayon! Known as artificial silk until its rebranding as rayon in 1924, rayon has become a significant part of our fiber landscape.

In the yarn and fiber world, we most frequently run into rayon when it is labeled as bamboo or viscose.

More recently, you can also buy viscose rayon labeled as rose fiber (having been sourced from the cellulose of rose bushes), or even purchase viscose rayon fiber that comes from seaweed.

While these fibers are often advertised as eco-friendly because they come from plants, that is not necessarily the case.

It has had a history of adverse health effects on the workers involved in its manufacture right up to the present day.

A short and somewhat abbreviated version of viscose rayon production goes something like this.

All rayon begins with pure cellulose. This cellulose is treated with a caustic soda, and goes through a number of curing processes and chemical treatments, including a process called Xanthanation in which it is mixed with carbon disulfide. The resulting material is dried and ground into a powder, and is dissolved in yet another caustic solution to form the viscose, the viscous solution from which viscose rayon receives its name. Allowed to stand for a period of time, the viscose solution is strained and then extruded through spinnerets, which land in a bath of sulfuric acid, forming rayon fiber. The fiber is then washed to remove any residual chemicals and make it safe for the wearer.

By the time rayon fiber and fabric hits the market, there are no traces of any chemicals that could harm the person wearing it. The same can’t necessarily be said for the factory workers, either in the past or today.

They go into more detail if you want to dig in further but I will need to research more myself before I commit to further bamboo purchases.

I will continue this in part 2!