#well tumblr is where i vent my emotions and feelings and moments that i never expect anyone to actually read

[penginlord]

you ever notice those little signs that a relationship won't work out after it ends. Like, they aren't red flags, but once it's over you look back and think, "huh, that makes sense in context". The sort of signs you miss because you're so desperate for a relationship that you really try your hardest to make it work out? yeah.

[sb25p]

Warning: THE LAST OF US SPOILERS: EPISODE 5!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED EP 5, PLEASE SCROLL PAST!!!!!

Also this an essay!! 🥴 tbh I write these more for myself than anything else…my Tumblr is my mf journal.

I normally don’t like to write posts that involve spoilers for current series/movies etc but TLOU episode 5 affected me in such a powerful way, I feel like I just need to vent it for a min.

Can we talk about the final scene? How hopeful Ellie is when she wakes up only to find out Sam has unfortunately become infected. Sam then attacking Ellie for Joel and Henry to realise what’s happening and Henry to raise the gun to Joel.

The actor, Lamar Johnson, absolutely killed that role (no pun intended…too soon?)

Like we see his face go from confused to protective yet terrified, shocked, panicked, regretful, devastated, remorseful, angry and numb.

I could go on and on about the diversity of emotions that Lamar portrayed in that moment to capture the reaction of Henry losing Sam. The one person he loves more than anything and has sacrificed everything for only to lose at what he believes to be his own hands but as we know is due to being infected.

It was never Henry’s fault. Henry didn’t kill Sam. Sam was already dead. The infection took him. Henry actually saved Ellie from being harmed by Sam. He’s still a hero regardless of what he’s done. He continued to protect others but without Sam, what is his purpose? Sam to Henry is purpose. He always has been. Now that Sam is gone, Henry doesn’t feel any purpose and ultimately that causes him to take his own life without any hesitation.

Then we have the other parallel of Pedro Pascal in that situation playing the role of Joel Miller.

We see Joel (not for the first time) jumping in ultimately to protect Ellie. He’s terrified. He’s seeing her at risk and scared and she’s calling out to him in that moment for help.

Joel talks earlier to Henry about being relied on. He says that it’s easier for kids because no one is relying on them but that’s not really true is it? Because although Sam relied on Henry for protection, Henry relied on Sam for purpose. He loved him. He lived for him because he had Sam by his side.

What really got me in that moment after Henry shoots Sam, is Joel. The way his face turns into a realisation. An understanding.

It doesn’t happen right away.

I feel if you watch Joel’s face just after Sam dies, he’s asking for the gun because he’s afraid Henry will turn on the both of them, pin a blame on them maybe that Sam got infected because of them but when Henry says “what did I do?” You can see that Joel’s face falls. He goes from appearing assertive and protective of Ellie to becoming understanding and gentle towards Henry.

I think that is because Joel recognises that feeling all too well. It’s not hard to think that Joel would have had a time after Sarah’s death where he must have thought that life wasn’t worth living anymore. That his purpose in life has been ripped from him so abruptly and if his sole purpose now is merely to survive, what kind of life does he have anyway?

It’s why I always saw Joel to be one of the strongest characters in the whole of the TLOU universe. He was a father to an only child who was taken from him during the time the world was falling apart anyway. Not only was his own beautiful little world ended in that split second, the one he shared with his daughter, the whole planet was being ripped apart.

What motivated him to keep on living? We could say Tommy but a parents love like Joel’s is so incredibly powerful. Even my own parents once said to me (and I’m one of four children) that if I ever took my own life, they couldn’t go on themselves without me. The true love of a parent is absolutely infinitely one of the most powerful things in this world. Pedro absolutely portrayed that emotion in the moment when he’s trying to talk Henry down. It’s like he’s mentally saying “look at me, I understand, PLEASE, I understand”. Joel knows they’re not at risk to Henry at that moment, Henry is at risk to himself.

Not only that but Joel asks Ellie if she’s okay shortly after Sam dies and even tries to go to her but is stopped by Henry raising the gun to him.

We see Joel becoming softer and more of a father figure to Ellie in this situation. His usual hardened expression drops when he has just witnessed a serious threat to Ellie’s life. He can see the distress in her. He’s just watched her bond with a child over a period of time that she clearly felt very strongly for very quickly. He also has strong feelings about Ellie watching others die due to the discussion he has with her when she shoots the man in the previous episode to protect Joel.

“You’re just a kid. You shouldn’t know what it means to…” to kill someone he means.

He doesn’t want her to witness this world. He wants to protect her from it and we’re seeing so much more of that in these newer episodes. The paternal feelings he’s developing for her are slowly but surely finding their way out into the open.

And finally the note that Ellie leaves on Sam’s grave.

“I’m sorry.”

We see Joel realising when he reads this, that this young girl feels a lot more than she’s giving out. That Joel is starting to come to terms with how much of a weight is sitting on Ellie’s shoulders by being treat like a possible cure. That the thought of her feeling as though it’s her fault that she couldn’t save Sam from infection, ultimately has Joel feeling even more responsible for ensuring she doesn’t feel that way and that she understands how important she is in herself rather than to the rest of the crumbling world.

I really look forward to seeing how their relationship develops. Particularly, how Joel’s feelings develop further towards Ellie. I also look forward to seeing more vulnerability from Ellie. Joel walks around with this hardened expression but Ellie doesn’t need to do anything like that. We know from how she admits to Sam that she fears being left alone, that she has a lot of emotion she is holding back. She needs that someone to be vulnerable with and I can’t wait for her to let it all go for Joel.

[rantyraven]

hey tumblr 

this is a little weird for me. but I feel like documenting my emotions and my trials and errors with this issue will help motivate me to actually making progress on it. for about a year and a half now I've been struggling incredibly hard with a weed addiction that I'm struggling to find a support system for. most of my closest friends not only smoke it daily as well, but are firm believers in the “it’s impossible to get addicted to weed” motto. based on their attitudes and actions tho, they’re just not self aware. looking thru tags on here have made me feel less alone and more validated that there is something wrong with me -- that there’s a reason I feel like I'm struggling so bad.

I hate who I am with weed. I feel so entirely useless and unmotivated to do anything. I miss the old me, the me that didn’t know the meaning of procrastination, who exercised daily, who actually completed projects, who actively practiced writing. I can feel my brain rotting away and I hate myself for letting this happen. 

I know this will be a long rant post and I don’t wanna clog any timelines so ---------vvv

my experience with weed didn’t begin until I was 24 when my partner brought stuff home from a dispensary out of state. back then it was fun and something I only did once in awhile. I remember how I couldn’t imagine how anyone could enjoy participating daily -- it was too much for me and I often felt hungover the next day. then I abused it during my final semester of graduate school -- the excuse was I needed to smoke to help my artistic expression. but soon I wasn’t working on my creative projects on weed anymore. I was entertaining manic episodes and busy being emotional and paranoid. the longer I smoke the more I feel like a rotting fat corpse. every day I'm desperate to stop but I still choke down 3-4 joints and maybe a bowl or two. I get anxious early in the day to smoke if there’s nothing else to distract me, or if I feel too lazy to do anything. but, the moment I smoke I feel the strength to stop and feel the shame of already fucking up before I could start. it’s so ridiculous that I only feel the motivation to completely quit weed only after just having smoked. 

god I'm so desperate to quit. I want my old life back. I want the old me. I want to live a normal life again and feel the ambition and drive and passion that I used to feel over the project ideas I have. I have so much potential to be successful and I feel crippled by this fucking drug. I hate that I can’t even confide in my friends without them interpreting my journey as some kind of better-than-thou bullshit. 

I want to quit so badly but I don’t know where to start. I've never even smoked cigarettes before so I have no experience quitting a substance that has such a grip on your life. 

I would love to receive some advice or support. maybe anyone else on here who’s in the boat with me, who also wants to work on their sobriety. I've tried and retried on my own over and over and always fail. if anything, I hope using this as a vent space for my frustrations as a quit, or if I fail again. what are some of the best ways to help distract from the craving to smoke?

[chipped-chimera]

Thought I'd do a little bit of a personal update! I'm doing the reorganising thing which is still slow but really motivating - enough that I'm having good energy days where I'm getting more done! I should be able to start work on the new fish tank soon!

More commentary/thoughts/where I'm going creatively below the cut. (It might be a bit heavy, you've been warned - check tags for more info)

EDIT: Fixed Tumblr borking this, now looks like how this WAS SUPPOSED TO oof

So I'm in the process of redoing my entire office just to fit this fish thank (which has now been leak tested so we're good to go), as well as reorganising based on tips I picked up from this book for people with ADHD that I've found massively helpful. Honestly it's been great for helping me just THROW SHIT OUT because while I can have my moments of ruthless detachment and clear inventory my family is very much a 'use/reuse/reappropriate' kind of deal, which while great often gives me hesitation throwing stuff out primarily because of that pressure - especially when I'm stuck living with them. Now I know it's necessary to get everything to a state where it will STAY organised.

It's also let me take inventory of the stupid amount of traditional media art supplies which have been sitting there since high school in near pristine unused condition (we are talking a LOT of very useable acrylic paints here) and get them all organised. After chatting with my psychologist yesterday I've bought more/replacements for things I had to throw out (literally dry as a bone markers) as she literally said she 'very much encouraged' my idea of starting a visual art diary to help process emotions and stuff.

I know over the years my inspiration to do stuff has withered, usually because it's been hammered by bad moods (caused primarily by external forces I could not control on top of my already battered neurology). I know now because of shit in my past that has been largely unresolved, art has never been an outlet for emotions for me because I'm so afraid of taking up space. Despite emotions being a powerful source for art, I rarely draw on them both because I have spent so much time trying not to feel them or hiding them because unfortunately my history is one of a lot of rejection, right down to a very young age where my caregivers should have been way more on the ball. It's helped me acknowledge my way of expressing love and affection is kind of fucked - when I feel close to someone or like them a lot it has the opposite effect where I instinctively want to pull away from them because I'm scared I'm going to 'ruin it', like my life is tainted and by associating with them I'll drag them down somehow. I know it's silly but it's very hard to get past because it's automatic - that was the only way I was guarenteed to get affection, if I was the most borin, biddable, palatable child in existence who caused no problems, even if it meant enduring physical and emotional pain alone. I inherently find it hard to trust people being genuine about liking me as a person because I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop when they realise I'm too much hassle - which unfortunately was the circumstance my relationship ended around so yeah, that did not fucking help. Basically I go from being really comfortable around someone to masking intensely and yeah that is NOT GOOD. I also legit feel the reason I have alexytheimia is because I had to develop a buffer so early in my life just to survive as far as I have.

I'm hoping art journalling will help me process some of those thoughts and feelings and I still want to try and show them, just to show myself they DO have value, they are a valid part of the human experience and they should be allowed to take up space - I do not need to hide them away or cut pieces of myself out to become more 'palateable' to people. So yeah um, I guess there will be some vent art, I don't know if I'll post only to my art blog or here because it's more sketchy shit and I reserve the art blog for finished pieces now ... either way knowing me it's going to be highly metaphorical and symbolic so I don't know how 'triggering' it could be but either way I'll probably tag the absolute shit out of it just to make sure I don't adversely effect someone (yes I am aware of the irony in me saying that as it's basically me trying to 'not ruin' things again but even putting it out there at all is a big enough step - also tags are just basic decency).

So uh ... That's what I've been up to? Also why I've been kind of shit about WIP Wednesday tagging and responding to other tag games (which I am now once again remembering a bunch of that I STILL have sitting in my motifs cause I still wanna do them ; m ;) I think I tend to get something like reverse SAD this time of year, arguably for the same reasons SAD develops - it gets so damn hot that I have the curtains closed in my office (which has the biggest window in the house) all day to keep the heat out. So arguably I have just made 'tiny dark winter' for about two months because I ain't going outside when it's over 30C (aka the temp tomorrow. And the day after THAT. Fuck I hate summer). Just instead of dark and cold it's dark and sweaty - feeling clammy also being a sensory problem for me so all around BAD TIME until the season changes :/

Outside of all that I'm speculating writing a wlw romance in a western setting because I have had on off cowboy rot since forever and I should probably do something with that already. Currently speculative Native American love interest/secondary protagonist with a background that probably touches on maybe the boarding schools and then reconnection with culture. We've had similar stories with our indigenous population in Australia unfortunately (colonialism is a plague) so I can sort of have some understanding but I probably need to hit the books on that one. For any Americans/Canadians reading this if you know some good books, PLEASE send me your references, I really want to make sure I do this right. I reblogged a post a few days ago about how Native Americans are often dehumanised in westerns and they just become part of the landscape, and I really want to push against that. Also do some contrasting against how oppressive western colonial era culture was by comparison to native culture honestly because I feel that would be a really interesting dynamic. Idk when/if stuff with this project will start happening but we'll see.

If you read this far, thanks! It's pretty validating to know people care this much, since it's hard for me to believe people do care a lot of the time because of all the above bullshit. So just so you know, I love you guys 💖 and you get a bonus cat:

Tiny p.s. living with my parents now is very different from when I was a child, I know the people who caused me hurt are long, long gone. They are not the same people anymore - so I am okay! It's still frustrating but more for the reasons of wishing I had my own (bigger) space to live in and put all my stuff and just 'I am a 30 year old extremely supressed lesbian speed running puberty and this environment is not conducive to exploring that' if anything. While I'm out with my Mum I can't like ... talk about that shit lol. So yeah, frustrating but for entirely different reasons. Just clearing that up.

[mercilessmime]

One good thing about tumblr is that few people check it regularly, so it's perfect for a vent post.

I think a really old friendship is over and it really sucks. Nothing happened, more so that it is because nothing has happened.

We don't really do things together anymore and I've been trying to find new stuff for us to do but it just fizzles out because they want to do stuff on their own, and I very much want to do stuff together. So it just doesn't mesh well and I just end up feeling bad.

We just left a con that I wanted us to go to together, but in reality we just ended up being there at the same time. I don't begrudge them for wanting to do stuff on their own, but they want to be independent so much that I just get left alone.

And I feel like cons were the last thing we really had together. We don't RP anymore. We barely talk, and I have to start those conversations for what they amount to. We've just grown apart and it doesn't get kept together when I'm the only one.

I don't think they feel the same way about me that I feel about them, not anymore. I'm glad they've at least got what they need and are happy, but I don't think my happiness and their happiness seems compatible. At least not at the level it used to.

But I don't think we're friends anymore. We just used to be friends and kept that up.

And I'll mourn that. They were one of the loves of my life, truly the first one since I met them before my wife. I'm going to miss them and I'm always going to love them.

Edit 1: I don't want it to be over. I really don't. But I don't know what to do anymore or how to do it. I'm just fucking lost.

Edit 2: And who knows. Maybe I'm just too emotional at the moment and after time it'll clear. But I don't think it's going to be like it was before. We just see the relationship differently, and we want different things now.

Edit 3: I think ultimately... I just want to feel like I'm special to them, and I just don't. I have a very unhealthy possessive nature about them, and that's the source for a lot of the issues. I get jealous too easily about them and I feel bad for being that way and for other people getting time with them. Especially when I feel like I have no time with them. I'm just.... I don't know what to do and I'm scared. And I know that fear stems from the possessive nature, and it's wrong. I want them, but I don't want to keep them from others. It's just messy and complicated.

Edit 4: Change isn't always a bad thing, and I know that. It's not like we don't have fun at all together, we do. It's just that it feels like so much less than before and that's what is getting to me. I had put so much on to this con as like the thing that we'd have, our linchpin, that learning it probably wouldn't happen again was just crushing.

Edit 5: I've reached the point where I'm mad at myself for even considering the idea it could be over. It will never be over because that's not how this works. Over a decade doesn't go away or fizzle out. I'm just letting the sads make me bleak, but I'm not going to just stop. Love doesn't work like that, it's always there.

Edit 6: I need to talk with them and see what they're feeling too. This has all just been my own ramblings and assumptions, but I could be totally wrong and I have been before. We've always been good at communicating our feelings to one another, but never great. It's always been a sort of thing where we know it'll work out but damned if we know how to get there. Hopefully we can talk soon; we just got back from the con, so I don't want to drop this on them so soon. Everyone needs time to recharge.

Edit 7: There will always be a small part of me that wants things to go back to how they were, but that's a selfish part of me that enjoyed having all of them to myself. They weren't always happy back then, and I am so immensely proud of them for the progress they've made. They're outspoken and so much bolder, and I love seeing it. I don't want to do anything that could hold them back, I want to change and adapt with them, because I want to stay at their side forever and be part of helping them become who they want to be. I just really want to be part of that.

Edit 8: I just saw a post that blew my mind. It's so fucking mean of me to just assume I'm not special to them anymore. We have literally said it to one another. Why would I assume my best friend would do thag? It doesn't change my feelings about us not doing much together and me being hurt about the con stuff, but it does make me reduce the severity of the matter to a much less dramatic amount. We still need to talk about stuff and find what we want to do going forward, but I've very much let my anxiety and possessive nature of them run over the blatant logic of the fact that they wouldn't lie to me.

[questionablereflections]

Just need to vent for a quick second into the void that is tumblr.

If someone were to ask me how I’m doing right now, I’d likely give a “I’m alright, I’m good” kind of answer. On a level, I am both of those things. But a part of me has been consumed with stress, pain, and the feeling of stupidity. I feel what I feel because of my actions and choices. I chose to finally, authentically open myself up, take the risk. Allow myself to dive into all the feelings I was feeling. I knew it was too good to be true, but I still allowed myself, because for some reason, it felt right. “Just allow yourself to in the moment”, is what I told myself. I was still scared, that voice in the back of my head with all its warnings.

But I feel so f*cking stupid because I gave away parts of myself so willingly. Parts that I’ve never given so easily, and parts I haven’t given at all. I feel ashamed of myself because that’s not who I am. I am the type to protect all those facets of my being, not just hand them out like candy on Halloween. I can’t even explain why I did. Hope? Trust? Happiness?

Sure, part of me is proud that I finally stepped out of my walls and took the chance. You have to at some point. But everything that’s happened since, has just made me want to shoot those walls back up. Well a part of me anyways. Because I know deep down what I want. I want all those amazing, positive emotions. The kind where your heart spikes just from thinking about them. But I know one does not come without the risk of the other. It’s all a gamble.

So how am I doing?

I’m sad, I’m angry at myself, and I feel alone.

[fleshmechsystem]

Usually I wouldn't really write a tumblr blog as I try to deal with my thoughts on my own and often push them aside but, I feel the need to write this out.

I have had an odd week to say the least, I temporarily dated someone new again only for me to end it in hopes that it wouldn't hurt the person in the other side for feeling numb as they put it.

It was definitely an infatuation for both our sides but doing that did hurt. The relationship was definitely sexual. But in the end we're still in good terms since I do enjoy them nerding out on their favorite games and other things we got along with in the first place, besides I could still love a person without it being romantic necessarily, although it did still hurt a little bit.

I already mentioned this venting somewhere but I or at least a splitted part of myself if I can recall basically try to push the feeling aside and ignore it, saying something like "I'm repeating the same mistakes Cal made, I'm a moron for writing a wall of text" of course it's still me, completely unaware about what I'm currently feeling.

I'm aware one of my if I could even call them that anymore "friends" might read this and to that I'd say this was the reason I probably asked about Cal's previous mental state.

There's also the fact I feel this cold feeling from everyone else. I act like I'm familiar with these people but in reality is that I'm merely living with transfered memories. I know you're reading this, I can assure you I don't blame you for feeling awful that Cal will never come back. They won't.

Even if their memories begin to plague me. Although there are positives about having someone else's or previous versions of myself before the fusion happened, I remember my childhood memories with my sister within the system. As you know Max was a part of me as well. At least the base making up the fusion. It's where I got my tenacity and patience from. I'm often determined and stubborn as well.

Those memories are pleasant, despite the one memory of hearing my parents argue downstairs which caused me to feel upset.

I accept that whatever sadness there is to my situation is only a small problem. I know in the future I will be able to move on and live as myself, Patch.

I'll try to remember Max's memories instead of Cal's because it seems to always bring a positive reaction out of me. Sometimes I still do talk to my supposed sister even if I'm technically a different person and a girl now.

Despite not being familiar with the concept of transger related things about myself, she quickly picked up on it while I educated her. I do enjoy the occasional moments I see her.

It's odd that I feel indifferent to the vessel's sister on the outside compared to my sister within but I do see them as an acquittance like any other person Cal knew quite honestly. The parents seem nice but I feel a sense of not trusting them. I refuse to read any of Cal's old post, it might bring back bad memories if I did.

I know it will get better, I've lived through a stressful week before and this is just a simple one. For awhile I was having issues with my emotions, currently I still am as I experienced feeling ill due to how overwhelming fusing and unfusing became earlier.

I had to explain I was feeling a sort of mental pain but it quickly started to manifest physically as the others had to assist me partially just to get me home.

I feel disconnected from everyone right now in a literal sense. Even Riley. I wouldn't say this is a curse, this is definitely just depression which I will take seriously.

As much as I want to be honest with my feelings. I just want support and care. I don't like the cold feeling I get from people even if I did at one point hinted that I might be a sociopath, psychopath or just nuerodivergent and unable to properly feel anything, it's probably just disassociation to stress and trying to cope with it.

In the end I do have hopes that this will get better. But I'm not sure about the old relationships Cal has built throughout their life.

I feel the need to just leave these people behind and move on, but I don't want to be lonely. I thrive from being surrounded by other people and feeling alone is a nightmare... Please don't leave me.

I know this is just a rambling of a headmate as per usual but I haven't had the time to properly express this pain.

It will end, I'm hopeful it will but right now it hurts. All of it.

-Patch

[thatawkwardzillennialfangirl]

My Mind and Me: Selenator's POV

Hello!

Before I start my review, I just want to say that I rarely use Tumblr nowadays as I am mostly active on Twitter. I do not know why but for me, Tumblr used to be big for like pop music fandoms during my early teenage years (we kind of treat it like Facebook back in the day where we beg our batchmates to reblog our posts for more clout lol). But I've migrated to Twitter after that because of how big and active the Selenator community is there. So, I am so sorry Tumblr.

Anyway, I hope everyone who reads my review is doing truly well and fine.

Recently, Selena Gomez just released her documentary My Mind and Me on the Apple TV+ streaming platform and she has given us fans 2 months free of Apple TV+ so that we can stream (and also cry*)

*will reveal later

Before I actually start my review, I just want to give a back story as not a lot of people know that I am a long-time, loyal fan of Miss Gomez:

So, I've been a Selenator for 12 years now, became a fan on September 2010 after I watched the A Year Without Rain music video that was featured back then on the old YouTube homepage. I first knew her through Wizards of Waverly Place (duh; and also thought she's Filipino, but turns out she's Mexican) and the Falling Down music video which was shown in the local music channel back home. Everyone in the family and friends know that I am a fan.

So... that's that.

To start, I already know that there will be a documentary coming after I saw so many tweets from SG News accounts saying that Selena went back to her old elementary school back in Texas and some students say that they're shooting a documentary. Another sign that I also know that there will be a documentary is that, the year after the Revival Tour, there were rumours going around saying that it will be turned into a concert film. I actually held on to that rumour (because I have a feeling that it's going to come true) because I never got a chance to go to the Revival Tour during its Australian leg (my city got skipped 😭, hoping one day she'll come back like what she did with Stars Dance Tour*)

*She actually planned to do a concert in my city during the Stars Dance Tour, but sadly, it got cancelled to prioritise her well-being.

When the teaser dropped, I kind of have an idea on what to expect in the movie. I already know that there's going to be some emotional moments with regards to her Lupus treatment and also her mental health, which is a topic that she's very vocal about (that's why I said at the beginning that I'm going to cry).

So, a few days have passed and I have finally watched the documentary and here are my thoughts about this.

If you have not watched it yet, don't go past this. Lots of spoilers

Overall, the documentary was very eye-opening. As someone who has been stanning Selena for over a decade, I have never got to know her this deep.

The entire documentary is very genuine and honest. I am so proud of Selena to have that courage to tell her story and as a fan, I am honoured that this documentary has helped me to get to know her even better.

The following scenes were somehow my favourite parts (some of them don't but will say my personal reactions to it):

Revival Tour backstage scene This scene hits close to home and I can somehow relate to her. I also get these negative thoughts from time to time and I try my best to brush them off, but then there's still this invisible sensation that the thought will still linger in your mind... so basically, you'll still think about it and it'll somehow get worse to the point that it'll make you feel bad about yourself as you think of it more. That's what I assume she felt when she vented those thoughts to her friends (also, good on her for speaking out those thoughts). I actually cried during that scene because I feel very sorry that she gets these negative thoughts from time to time and also the fact that the media still associates her with something/someone else and not just by herself! and as a fan, it FRUSTRATES tf out of me.

Raquelle Stevens After I watched the doc, I am in awe of how Raquelle is such a good and loyal friend to Selena. She is really concerned and cared for her throughout her journey and she stayed with her throughout. Because honestly, it is definitely hard to find real best friends like that. Like, they'll still be there for you no matter what happens. But then at the same time, I am having second thoughts. Because, there was this one scene in the doco where she just walked in the hotel room and just ignored her, not acknowledging her presence. I do hope this is not intentional. But, when I watched that scene, I'm like... "Raquelle, you did not just do that?". Although it was this one scene, I was a bit annoyed because I actually had those moments where I just feel invisible around my friends or even to people.

Treatment scene The scene where Sel's getting treatment via IV just breaks me. The one before that scene happened is where I cried because she was in pain and it was very sad for her to go through that. Like, she did not deserve it. Also, the part where Selena mentioned about her Nana not wanting to accompany her because she'd seen the process enough just breaks me because although she wanted to be there, she cannot bear seeing her granddaughter in that state and this is also something that hits close to home.

Press interviews scenes BOI, I can feel Selena's emotions during those scenes and I totally agree with her, some questions are just very basic and answers can be basically searched on the internet. Like, everytime some SG news acc posted a video of Sel doing a Q&A with this magazine or company, majority of the time, I don't get to watch it because I already know that most of the questions are just very vanilla basic and repeated and honestly, they are so tiring. New generation of fans can watch it, but I know Selena's maturing and she wanted something more than "What is your favourite food/colour/etc?"... like, dig a little deeper and talk more about her advocacies and stuff.

Off-camera/IRL Selena scenes It was actually nice to get to know her roots in this doc. Where she went to school, the people that she get to talk to in the neighbourhood when she was a kid, the actual house she grew up in. It was very genuine to see what Selena is like. It was very nice to see some home video footage as well! The last time I saw it was back in 2011 during the We Own The Night Tour as some video footage used to be the opening visuals for that tour. (I watched it religiously as my way to prep for the Stars Dance Tour, but it got cancelled)

WE Foundation in Kenya I knew during those scenes that... that is where Selena is the most happiest and I love seeing her in that state. I can see it in her face that the Kenya trip was a big breather for her (with Raquelle keeping her grounded at the side, which is very kind of her to do) because not only that she gets to work with the girls but also take a break from the very busy lifestyle.

Again, the doco was very beautiful and exceeded my expectations.

[private-thoughts-express]

Majority is a rant but if u want to use this in an english class to teach kids about reading between the lines then be my guest

I love publishing my shit on the internet. i have a tiktok where i mostly talk about my ex or my dad. i also post little cutesy videos and i like doing the trends. but i do overshare sometimes. i used to have a finsta where i would write essays and post sad pictures of me and i would literally post every one of my lowest moments. like thats so crazy. and i only had 5 (2 were the same person) followers and only one person ever consistently commented. so very few were aware. i have had countless anonymous accounts on every random platform where i vented or bitched or cried. its absolutely cray if u really think about it. and now i have this tumblr. i will probably abandon it in a month or 4 because thats what i do. i set these large goals for myself that i cant complete. but i still keep trying. so i regressed to 2012 tumblr self. so now that im here im thinking why do i, or anybody for that matter, have this incessant need to post about every tragic depressing thing that happens to us online?

ps. Listen to that while u read the rest of this so we can listen to the same thing while reading it. it is my favorite song to walk home to or cook to or close my eyes to. so u deserve to listen to it. do a nice thing for urself and hit play. its not even what i typically like so when i first heard it i was surprised about how great a new music genre could be and it just scratches the best itch in ur brain

i don't care if its the people i know that see it. i actually dont prefer it but theres a select few that i dont care if they do see. but thats besides the point. Theres many people, myself included, that dont feel certain of their emotions. i never know how im feeling or if im being overdramatic. I also dont know how to muster up the courage to share the worst of my thoughts with some people. i also hold my tongue a lot. l just dont want to upset anyone or be honest. i hate being honest sometimes. emotionally honest. its so hard and lame. so where am i going with this? well if i remember correctly im going here:

There Is Major Satisfaction in Hitting Post

I feel that publicizing my feelings and putting them out there in the internet abyss cements them into the world. my mom always did say that once you put something on the internet its forever. and i said bet that works in my favor because ! my feelings will exist forever and i can look back at them scattered all over different platforms with a shit ton of emails and separate personas and i can be like yes ! i felt that. that was real and i didn't make it up. people may see it and be like cool whatever but that still spreads my feelings and now its not just me that knows. even if it was for a moment it was known by me and a stranger and we both acknowledge that there was a point in time that i felt that way. [continued...]

PS. listen to this for the rest of this:

[continued...] i feel so disconnected from my last thoughts but im going to return to them now. ill start here:

i dont often feel seen. even with my closest friends i dont feel all the way there. i dont feel authentic all the time. i think it has a lot to do with my aversion to vulnerability and sharing your feelings. i know i already said it but i want to say it again because my friends are wonderful. they are beautiful and kind and smart and strong. i love my wonderful friends and they mean the world to me. sorry i just had to put that in there. (now im listening to savior complex) but yea. i just feel like i cant relax and breathe. i feel stiff. i feel so aware of me and my presence and how i look and move and react. i mean if were being honest i think im describing some one with some undiagnosed something but thats besides the point. the Point ! is that i find so much comfort in sharing my most private intimate thoughts online because so much satisfaction comes from knowing its potentially out there forever. because nothing is really forever but for as long as the internet is around this can potentially be around. i dont need to have kids to carry out my legacy because my internet footprint will do it for me. im pre planning in the most minimal way. i dont have to write a book or create a shit ton of movies or win a prize because i can post something completely raw and forget about it. Its really cool if you think about it. u will live forever in some capacity. this took a weird turn ! and i think this is where we cut it short but it has been a pleasure.

if any of this made sense i will give myself a pat on the back.

this made me feel very carrie bradshaw x nyt

[usaginotwst]

☂️🔪🖤🧺 for jade, kalim and floyd please?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Tumblr never notified me that I had more asks, I feel like a heel!!!

☔️— What are they like when they’re emotional? How quickly do they recover?

Jade is a very patient guy. Things just seem to brush by him while he remains unaffected. However, no one is immune to negativity, especially one so far away from home. Homesickness hits him when he least expects it and after a phone call from his mother, he finds himself weighed down with the dark feeling of longing.

When he gets like this, he reaches out to you to see if you're able to spend time with him to take his mind off of things. When he's in your room, he sighs deeply, alerting you that something's wrong. Jade still tries to deny it, but one look from his you and he finds himself breaking down. He doesn't shed tears, but he does come close. If you let him vent and talk about the wonders of the Coral Sea, encouraging his excitement when he tells you about the best festivals and most exciting things to find down there, he'll start to smile more naturally and the tension leaves his shoulders.

Jade never stays upset for long because he knows himself better than anyone and can find ways to cheer himself up. There hasn't been a moment that he's found himself in dire straights. Yet.

When Floyd gets upset, the world knows it. He takes it out on anyone smaller than he is, namely freshman, shoving them to the side and roughly bumping into them in the hallway as he makes his way somewhere secluded where he can throw a fit in peace.

Floyd is the type of guy that gets frustrated with his own emotions, wishing they would stop and let him off the ride, which only makes him angrier or dive deeper into sorrow. He doesn't have the same kinds of mood regulating system that Jade seems to have, so he has to tire himself out before he can be okay again.

In terms of being homesick, Floyd will huff and puff before getting up and decided to just go home. It's the simplest way to ease the pain, he thinks, but you stop him, telling him its not reasonable to go all the way to The Coral Sea. This only irritates him further.

Some adjustments have to be made before he throws a full-blown tantrum, but when you draw him a bath all the way to the top where he can switch to his true form, he goes from fuming to a pout, which is a start. Floyd sinks deep into the tub so all that's visible is his eyes over the waterline and his tail that's too long and flips up and over the edge of the tub.

When Floyd starts to blow bubbles under the water or splash at you, that's the cue that he's ready to talk.

Poor, sweet Kalim is a crier. He cries at everything. He's a cancer after all. When he gets seriously upset, he wails at top volume. Snot pours from his nose and spit dribbles down his cheeks as he swipes at his tears.

Kalim will suck it up and stop crying just long enough to reach you before he breaks down again. The world could be ending, but once he's in his person's arms, all would be right. Once he feels safe, Kalim will calm down to a low sniffle, wipe away his tears and nuzzle his nose into the crook of your neck, breathing in your scent before sighing you out.

Like a raging storm, Kalim's emotions leave just as quickly as they come. Usually he cries himself out and has to take a nap afterward due to the emotional toll and exhaustion.

🔪— How would they react to injury/misfortune befalling their partner? Do they feel at fault?

Jade's ever present smile falters for a moment before he leads you away with a flourish and reassurance. After triple checking to make sure you're truly okay, he will go do his own snooping to try and figure it all out. If it was caused by another student, Jade would just start appearing everywhere that student was. In the cafeteria, out in the playing field, in the back of class. Jade would make that person's life a living hell by gaslighting them, making them believe they're going crazy, and generally frightening them.

If it was just an accident of your own accord, Jade would sigh and poke a little fun at your expense (unless you were seriously hurt) and then help bandage you up before he realizes that he doesn't really know as much first aid as he thought. He hoists you up, piggyback style and takes you to the infirmary. Your proximity makes up for any guilt he'd been carrying since finding out about your injury.

Floyd on the other hand, would go in swinging. Once he figures out how it happened, it's squeezing time. He's almost put on academic probation for putting another student in the infirmary wing, but it was worth it to defend your honor. If it's not a situation that he can just squeeze away, he might feel totally conflicted. He wants to help, but for the first time in his life he feels helpless and it staggers him a bit. Guilt keeps him at bay as he reevaluates his importance in your life. He'll bounce back, but it'll take him awhile.

Revenge is the last thing on Kalim's mind when he hears that you've been hurt. With the immediate first thought of your food being poisoned, he rushes to your side. If it's a more physical injury, while relieved it's not poison, Kalim would shed guilty tears and promise to take care of you no matter what. He doesn't leave your side and it may come to the point that you have to tell him to relax and go do something on his own because of how clingy he is.

🖤— Random romantic headcanon

Kalim likes to lay with you and watch the stars, taking each moment to point out constellations. When he can't find any, he likes to pull you close, breathe you in, and it's not until his wandering hands reach your own do you realize he's humming a low tune. Floyd flops back and forth between being touchy-feely and not wanting anything to touch his skin, but when he's in a cuddly mood there is little you can do to keep his hands off of you. He leans on you in line for coffee. While you're reading, his fingers waltz up your spine, over your shoulder, and down your arm to intertwine with yours. He likes random kisses, but also gives light bites to your shoulder when you're not paying attention.

Jade loves it when you listen to his rambling. When he realizes, mid-tangent, that you're looking at him with love in your eyes, he sputters for a second and a blush starts travelling up his neck to rest on his cheeks. Overwhelmed with love, he can't even continue when you urge him too.

🧺— Random domestic headcanon

Floyd loves baths and made sure he had a custom one built for your house on land. He has his nightly bath ritual and if it isn't done 100% on the nose, he gets irritable. He runs the bath and while it's filling up, he goes to fetch you - no matter where you are or what you're doing - and races back with you in tow to continue prep. Bath salt, milks, essences, and all sorts of things go into the bath and before you know it you're both in there as well. He holds you close and only allows you to leave once your promised 15 minutes are up, then he finishes the rest of his bath alone to soak.

Kalim's not a morning person. He will do absolutely anything to keep you in bed with him an extra 5, 10, 15 minutes. He groans and stretches, and with his outstretched hand he pulls you to him and settles back in. His favorite days are the ones when you actually get to stay in bed with him and laze about, whispering sweet nothings and sharing lazy, bleary kisses in the morning light.

Jade is an almost perfect househusband. He takes care of the cooking, the cleaning, and everything in between. It wasn't something you forced him to do, he just seemed to fall into it himself. However, on the days he wakes up to find you already up and tending to the household chores so he can get some extra sleep, he finds himself remembering just why he loves you.

[trashyswitch]

Oh For Fox Sake!

Michael didn't expect to be given a completely separate job besides the technician job he signed up for in Circus Baby's Pizza World. Now he's sitting in an office with animatronics hunting them down. One of the animatronics happens to be another foxy abbreviation. But this one...gives him many mixed emotions...

This fanfic was suggested by an anonymous person on Tumblr. Whoever you are: I hope you enjoy!

Also, I had no clue what gender to make Lolbit. So, I just gave Lolbit the pronouns they/them/it and followed it throughout. Please let me know if I mistyped anywhere! I'll try to fix it right away.

Michael was sitting in the small private office that had been hidden in the side of one of the PizzaPlex’s auditoriums. He had been working at the Pizzeria as a technician, and was just now given a few security guard shifts. This office was surprisingly a little bigger than the vents. It was also much more darker, and had PizzaPlex merchandise hidden on the table. It even had a black fan roaring away on the desk. Learning from general online rumors, every office that was built within every building made by Fazbear Entertainment, would have Fazbear merchandise and a fan. Some person named [Fitz-coward] on a public chat room called it the ‘Fazfan’. A few other people had given their own opinion on the ‘fazfan’ and even made jokes about it. It was kinda funny at first. But now that it had relevance on a personal level, it actually made sense.

It’s amazing what a few bouts of curiosity will lead you to find…And those poor guys...They’ve probably dealt with so much fear after that job.

Michael checked the tablet and checked the cameras that were available to him. He had to keep an eye on a couple specific animatronics such as Ennard, Funtime Freddy with tiny Bonbon, and Lolbit. Michael hadn’t even heard of Lolbit until this point. Who in the heck was Lolbit?! Only when he saw the orange animatronic staring at him through the hall camera, did he get his answer. It looked to be a twin version of Funtime Foxy. But was it Foxy’s brother? Or sister? What gender even was it? Now that he thought about it: What gender is Foxy?!

Michael heard sounds coming from the left hallway, and noticed that Lolbit was back with its jaw open and ready to crush. Michael bit his lip and closed the door on it. Out of this room! Begone! Scat! Leeeeaaave! He was not in the mood for Lolling around.

Hehehe...Lolling…

Michael looked at the hallways and groaned. Ennard’s broken body was on his way too. Wonderful… Michael kept his hand on the open door and made sure to leave some time to close it on the evil monstrosity. Michael looked over at the other hallway, and noticed that Lolbit was gone. So closed went the right door, and open went the left. Ennard was now locked out, and Lolbit was long gone.

Michael smiled and checked the right door to make sure Ennard was unable to get in. When he was sure, Michael relaxed slightly.

One thing Michael noticed was just how quickly the day seemed to be going. It was already 3:30 and the animatronics were being at least a little more behaved. It’s weird and usually worrisome whenever he does anything involving the animatronics. Whether it’s a loving animatronic like Funtime Freddy and BonBon, or a vengeful animatronic like Ennard, Michael didn’t wanna have anything to do with either. He’s seen enough of the animatronics behaviour to say “I’m out”.

And yet...here he was: back at it again with more shifts.

Hearing sounds, Michael closed the left door again. But suddenly, an ear-deafening bang overwhelmed Michael’s ears.

A few seconds later, another loud bang went off.

...And another.

One last bang filled his pain-filled ears as the huge metal door he closed earlier, started to fall in front of him. Michael shrieked and covered his ears, watching in horror as the huge door came crashing down just inches in front of him. Michael was visibly shaking from the super loud noises. His ears were ringing as well. It was like a gun just went off beside his ear multiple times!

Just as the metal sound slowly stopped echoing throughout the room, some loud and boyish laughter filled the office. “HOHAHAHAHAha! Now I bet you weren’t ex-xpecting ME, now WERE you? OhOHOHOhahaha!” a manic voice asked.

Michael widened his eyes in horror as he scooted to the corner of the room. “No...NO!”

“Oh YES! HAHAHAHAhah! You-u RECOGNIZE ME! DONTCHA?” They asked.

Michael grabbed his flashlight and started flashing it nonstop into the animatronic’s eyes. “Get out of here! This is MY private spot!”

Lolbit walked closer and hit the flashlight right out of his hands. “Su-Such a BAAABY…” Lolbit muttered out loud. “Hmmm...Maybe try ha-A-A-arder next time! HAHAhaHAHAHaha!” It suggested.

“I DID try harder! YOU’RE the one who broke the door down!” Michael argued.

The animatronic looked down and chuckled awkwardly. “O-Oh yeah! I forgot about tha-A-at!” It reacted.

Michael sighed. “Just please Lolbit...Go.”

The animatronic smiled and walked closer and closer to Michael just to spite him. “Since WHE-E-EN could you tell ME what to do? You’ve got qui-I-I-ite the NERVE!” Lolbit reacted.

“Yeah, I do! And I learned it on my own, thank you very much.” Michael added.

“My My! Such a ta-A-A-alker! I wonder: Does that mo-0-O-outh of yours have a benefit?” Lolbit asked.

“Sometimes. I could use it to lead you away so that I don’t end up dying tonight.” Michael reworded.

“HAhahahAHAHAha! Be ca-A-areful what you wi-I-I-ish for~!” Lolbit teased.

Michael raised an eyebrow.

Lolbit knelt down and picked up Michael by the armpits. Michael shrieked in horror and quickly started wiggling and fighting it. “HEY! GET OFF ME! LET ME GO RIGHT NOW!” Michael shouted.

“Haaaaa...And what will you do-O-O if I DON’T?” Lolbit asked with a sly voice.

“I’ll-I’ll tickle you!” Michael shot back without even properly thinking.

Lolbit widened its eyes and stared at Michael.

“Y-Yeah! I’ll do it! I’m not afraid to tickle you!” Michael added, adding wiggling fingers as he went along with it. “Unless you’re not ticklish…”

Lolbit stared off into the space within Michael’s eyes, and only blinked once out of awkwardness...Then, the fox full on dropped Michael where he was. Michael grunted as he landed on his butt onto the slightly dusty ground.

“Ow…” Michael muttered. “Wait, really?” Michael reacted suddenly. Lolbit turned right around and started to speed walk their way outta there. But Michael quickly pulled himself together and grabbed Lolbit’s foot. “Gotcha!”

“aAAA-A-A-AAAH! HEY! I LET YOU GO!” Lolbit yelled at him.

“Yeah, and that made me curious!” Michael replied. “I might’ve been originally joking when I said that. But the moment you dropped me and tried to run, I HAD to find out if animatronics were ticklish.” Michael told it. “Or, if they can simulate being ticklish.” Michael added. “Same difference in my opinion.”

Lolbit leaned against the wall and shook their leg. “Get off me-E-E!” it yelled.

“No way!” Michael replied. He took advantage of the exposed foot and skittered his fingers on it. “Tickle tickle~”

Lolbit shrieked with voice glitches in between, and threw Michael right off the leg with a strong kick. Michael went flying, and ended up hitting his back against the wall on the other side of the office. Michael groaned and laid on his back for a moment, trying to make sure he didn’t break his back or injure it further. When Michael could feel his legs and see his feet reacting to his movements, Michael sat back up and stood. “Ow...All that because you’re sensitive?” Michael asked.

Lolbit pointed at him. “Stop that!” It ordered. “O-Or I’ll get you back!” Lolbit warned.

Michael looked at himself and smirked. “Sounds like a sacrifice worth taking in my opinion!” Michael sprinted up to Lolbit and dove for them. Lolbit shrieked like a freaking witch, and tried to run away. But Michael had an unfair headstart and had managed to grab hold of its orange and white tail! “LE-e-ET GO-”

Michael managed to shut up the fox with a single squeeze to the side. It helped that Lolbit came with curvy, dented plates on both lower sides! Cause otherwise, he probably wouldn’t have been able to squeeze there.

“HEheheEHEHEY! HAHANDS OHOHohohOFF!” Lolbit yelled.

“Why would I do that when I have a ticklish fox in my arms?” Michael asked back. “This is fun!”

Lolbit shook their head. “IHIHIS NAHAhahaAHAHAT!”

Michael chuckled. “A little reminder that you kicked me across the room just a couple minutes ago. You are much stronger than me. So if you really hated it So MuCh…” Michael moved his fingers up to the middle ribs- “You could easily stop me.” Michael concluded.

“IHIHIT’S A-A-AGAINST MY COHOHODE TOHO HUHURT YOHOHOHOU!” Lolbit yelled.

“Is it now?” Michael asked. “It’s against my code to damage you even minorly! We both have the same laws.” Michael admitted. “And yet: you’ve kicked me already. So you would’ve already ‘hurt’ me. But notice this: no one gave you a controlled shock for throwing me. Therefore:” Michael moved to Lolbit’s orange belly. “Yooouuu kinda like it~”

Lolbit squealed and doubled over. Sensing they were gonna fall, Lolbit pushed Michael out of the way and allowed itself to flop onto its side. “Nohoho...Nohoho moho-O-ohore.” Lolbit begged.

Michael fell a bit backwards, but didn’t hit the ground very hard this time. He got up and looked at Lolbit with interest. “You...saved me.” Michael reacted.

“You’re a hu-U-U-uman! Of COURSE I saved you!” Lolbit opened its jaw. “Ihihi-I-I would be in big trouble if I-i-I damaged you under my care.” Lolbit admitted.

Michael smiled at that. “Thanks for saving me from being crushed.” Michael told it.

Lolbit giggled. “Are you ca-A-alling me fat?” Lolbit asked jokingly.

Michael widened his eyes and covered his mouth. “NO! NO WAY! I would never call you fat! ESPECIALLY intentionally!” Michael reacted loudly.

Lolbit bursted out laughing. “HAHAHAhahahahAHAHA! Yohohou’re so GULLiBLE! It’s HI-i-ILARIOUS!” Lolbit reacted, leaning over and laughing towards the ground.

Michael smirked. “You wanna laugh, huh? Alright! Let’s laugh.” Michael crawled back up to the fox and grabbed the ankle. Lolbit’s giggles quickly paused and were replaced with shrieked of artificial fear! “Wa-A-ait!” Lolbit yelled.

Michael started tickling the underside of the feminine-looking foot almost right away. Lolbit started kicking their other foot and covered its snout as it laughed with glitches in between. “HEHEHEHE-e-EHEY! NAHAHAT THEHEheheheHEHEHERE!” Lolbit protested.

“Why not? Ticklish foot, much?” Michael teased.

“Whahahahat dohoho YOHOhoHOU THIHI-i-IHINK?!” Lolbit shot back.

Michael gasped and paused for a moment. “You’ve got quite the NERVE!” Michael reacted, referencing Lolbit’s words from earlier. Michael even made his voice slightly scratchy and higher to make it sound similar to Lolbit’s for the next words: “Such a BAAABY…”

Lolbit bursted out laughing more. “AAHAHAHAHahahaHAHA! THAHAT WA-a-AHAS TEHEHERRIBLE!” Lolbit reacted.

“Oh! Was it now?” Michael reacted. He moved up to Lolbit’s cute, flat and decorated toes. “It couldn’t have been THAT bad, could it?” Michael teased.

Lolbit threw their head back and started letting out fits of glitchy cackles. “NOHOHOHO-o-o-OHOHOhohoho! TOHOHO-o-O MUHU-H-H-huhuHUHuch!” Lolbit yelled to him.

Michael just laughed with them. “Wohohow! Your laugh is going all over the place! It doesn’t know what it’s doing!” Michael teased, pausing his tickling to show them. “It’s up here! Then it’s down here! It goes from SO LOUD, TO super soft...soooo soft...And THEN IT JUMPS UP AGAIN!” Michael teased much more dramatically.

Lolbit shook their head back and forth and kept kicking their other foot. “IHIHI CAHahahahaAHAHAn’T HEHE-e-E-e-EHEHELP IHIhihIHIHIT!” Lolbit yelled back.

“Well duh! Of course you can’t help it! It’s like my snorting! I can’t help it either! But it’s still funny!” Michael added.

Lolbit gently pushed Michael away with its foot on his chest. “Ohohokahay, thahat’s ehe-E-ehehenough.” Lolbit ordered.

“Ey ey, captain.” Michael replied with a salute.

“Hehehey now: I ain’t the captain around here.” Lolbit sat up and looked at Michael. “Foxy is the legenda-A-ary captain aro-O-O-ound these parts!” Lolbit mentioned.

“Really now?” Michael reacted.

“Yeah! AhehEHEHEhehehe! Indeed he is! He’s a version of the original! A family of Foxy’s! I’m more of a-A-a second-in-command!” Lolbit admitted.

“You’re still important though. I think you’re still important.” Michael mentioned.

Lolbit’s ears perked up. “Hey! Thanks ki-I-id! You’re quite swell yerself!” Lolbit replied.

Michael smiled. “Thank you.”

The two of them sat in silence for a bit. It was a good silence, though a little uncomfortable. They just didn’t really know what to say. Lolbit’s break-in was a success, and Michael’s questions were already answered.

Though there was one last question…

“Hey Lolbit?” Michael asked. Lolbit looked up at Michael and lifted their ears up a little. “How come I haven’t seen you until now?” Michael asked.

Lolbit’s ears and snout both fell at that question. Lolbit tapped their orange fingernail on the ground as they came up with an answer. “Well...Foxy wa-A-as adored more by kids. Kids L-L-loved a purple and pink fox better than an orange fox.” Lolbit replied.

Michael’s curious face morphed into a hurt expression.

“And I didn’t mat-AT-atch the other guys.” Lolbit added.

Michael frowned at that. “Well, Circus Baby doesn’t match the general aesthetic either.” Michael added.

Lolbit looked at Michael out of the corner of its black, void eyes. “Circus Baby is-s dangerous. She-E broke the rule. She no-NO-no longer entertains.” Lolbit admitted.

Michael hummed curiously. He began to wonder what exactly Circus Baby did to get so badly in trouble. But, knowing his father and his motives…

Maybe it’s a good thing he doesn’t know the specifics.

Lolbit looked back up at Michael. “I ha-A-ave a question.” They told him. Michael looked up and gave Lolbit his full attention. “Is it tru-TrUE that you snort when you laugh?” Lolbit asked.

Michael’s eyes widened as he processed the question. Oh no…

Michael quickly tried to scoot back and run away. But Lolbit was one step ahead of him. Lolbit had grabbed Michael’s ankle and had pulled him closer. “Hey now! HAHAheheheHaHA!” Lolbit put their hands around his waist. “You’re not go-GOing ANYWHERE! HEheheHEHEHEE!” Lolbit declared, laughing themself silly as they used their dark eyes to scan for tickle spots. “You had your at-AT-attack! Now it’s MY TU-TURN! AHUHUHuhuhUHUHUUU!” Lolbit declared proudly. Lolbit immediately started out with quick scratches on the belly. “Tickle tickle s-security guard~” Lolbit teased.

Michael squealed and covered his mouth in an attempt to prevent any laughs or snorts from coming out. Lolbit noticed this and immediately pinned one of Michael’s arms above his head. “AhahahaHAHAHAAA! No che-CHE-cheating on my watch!” Lolbit declared. “And just for that:” Lolbit started tickling in Michael’s now vulnerable armpit.

Michael threw his head back and LAUGHED! “BAHAAAHAHAHAhahaha! NAHAT THEHEHERE! NAHAHAT THEHEHEHERE!” Michael yelled.

“Oooooh! Why not? HEHEHEhehehe! Ti-TI-ticklish armpit, much?” Lolbit teased, saying the same thing Michael used on him. “I guess you could sa-say THIS ticklish spot is u-UNDER investigation~” Lolbit said as the fox poked its finger further into Michael’s armpit.

Michael whined. “Thahahat Whahahas TEHEHEHERRIBLE!” Michael complained.

“Wo-Would you say it was punny?” lolbit asked. Or maybe…” Lolbit poked Michael’s shoulder- “Huuuumerus~?”

Michael shook his head and pushed against his snout. “STAHAHAHAP!”

“Wow! I didn’t know my jo-jokes were so…” Lolbit moved their fingers to Michael’s ribs and started digging and skittering. “Riiib-tickling~! AHAHAhahahahaHUUUU!”

Michael threw his head back and cackled loudly with snorts mixed in.

“Oh WOOOW! You really DO SNORT! You-ou must be the life of the PARTY! Or maybe even the life of the PORKY~?” Lolbit teased.

“SHUHUHUT UHUHUHUP!” Michael shouted at him.

“HAHAhahaHAHA! Why would I do that when I could ke-keep making animal jokes?” Lolbit asked rhetorically as they moved their metal nails up and down the ribs. “Be-Besides: Fazbear Entertainment should have made me-ME a parrot! Cause I am a HOOT! I KEET you not!” Lolbit teased.

Michael growled and shook his head. “IHIHIHI HAHAHAHATE THEHEHEM!” Michael shouted. “THEHEHEY’RE SOHOHOHO BAHAHAHAD!”

“Hate them?! But look!” Lolbit poked his mouth. “You‘re smil-iling! And you’re laughing at them! And tha-that with your piggy snorts mixed in, is a real tweet~! Ahahaha!” Lolbit joked.

Lolbit narrowed its eyes and brought its snout closer to Michael. “Ohoho...Excuse me- does it look like I ha-HA-have a black beard to you?!” Lolbit reacted all sassy. Michael giggled more at the fox’s reaction. “Ooooh...You’re trying to toy with the robot! I seeee says the blind man!” Lolbit reacted. Lolbit started tickling Michael’s sides this time. “And I feeeel your fingers, says the nerveless Nellie~” Lolbit added.

Michael yelped and groaned through his new fit of laughter. “HEHehehehey! *snort* THAHAhahahat’s nohohohot- *snort* hohohow ihihihit gohohohoes!” Michael protested.

“Ohoho alright. Ihi-I suppose that pun was a bit of a stretch.” Lolbit decided before finally letting Michael go.

Michael went limp and started panting right away. There were still phantom tickles plaguing him, causing him to giggle and squirm through his shallow breathing.

“I suppose I should be band from funny boneville?” Lolbit finished off.

“Ihihi will shohohock you.” Michael warned with an uncontrollable giggle.

“Ohohoho! How enlightening! Perhaps even frightening!” Lolbit teased.

Lolbit finally stopped with the puns the moment Michael squeezed their sides. There were just too many puns all at once. Perhaps they would be all over now…

No fox were given during the making of this Fazfan-fic. Are these puns bad enough for you, anon? XD

[naruto-shipping-confessions]

can you explain what can and can't be said in the confession wrt ''insults''? like, the ss stan just called hinata stans wankers and you said nothing but you'd said calling someone names is against the rules? and calling them cockroaches is ''too harsh''? not trying to start anything here, I'm not a fan of either, but just trying to understand where the line is drawn? because from where I am we curse a lot and that may seem too harsh to americans, that are used to different daily language even when not intented harshly. (we use cunt, cow, bitch, fucktards... a lot here, for example, and they normally don't mean much, it's not as offensive as some americans tend to feel?)

and "delusional" is not to be used, I heard? even when talking about someone insisting something that is not real is real? ''[something]-tards'' is a no, also?

I don't even see the problem in most of it, tbh, definitely not for something like wanker or roach, but different cultures and all, and this is your blog so I just want to understand. (I'm new here)

Is wanker offensive/name-calling? I was never sure. I always just thought it was a rude (and I do allow people to be somewhat rude, within reason) way to call an "obsessive fan". I don't know if things have changed, but that's what it meant years back. Or at least how people used it(?) Cockroaches are disgusting pests, is what most humans think. So for someone to call a fandom cockroaches, well I'm sure how one can see it as harsh. But again, wanker was just something I thought off as rude and you are allowed to be rude.

Yeah, I should have been more clear with the rules myself. So that's on me. The line is drawn like this: you can be rude (excuse me, I can't think of an example at the moment). As long as it isn't overly offensive. No slurs. No questioning one's mental health.

Cursing is fine if it's OK on Tumblr. I allow it, because we curse when we're in pain, emotional or just trying to vent our frustrations. So a fuck here and there is fine.

You can't question someone's mental health. Hence why "delusional" isn't allowed. At the time I didn't allow it is was being used to do just that - question the fandom's mental health. Even though I have seen it being used to just be rude. Which by my rules is fine. ''[something]-tards'' I'm not sure of, to be honest. It has "tards", so I don't allow it, but I come from the old fandom where it was used commonly to refer to as "annoyingly obsessive fan", so at times I ignore it.

Guys, I'm like old. I'm an adult, not a teen, admittedly. Some things meant differently to how they were "back in my day" *groans* This blog is something I do in my spare time.

[bisluthq]

hi nat! i know you don’t believe in kaylor anymore, but i wanted to send in my kaylor/joshlie theory, just as food for thought and fun speculation.

CW: ED

background:

back in 2017, i made a new friend. i quickly became kinda obsessed with her. i idolized how tall and skinny she was, her radiant sunshine-like presence, and the way she was so much cooler than me. something about her just drew me in like a magnet.

one day she told me that she was “bi-curious,” and i felt the unexplainable urge to tell her that i was queer too—so i did.

thus started our intense homoerotic friendship. we talked about everything, and she was rather touchy and flirty with me (we even hooked up a few times). but she was hung up on this dude who she’d been in a long-term off-and-on relationship with. looking back, i think she saw me as a willing participant in her experimentation phase—a source of casual fun while on a break from her ‘real’ relationship (plus, i came with the added bonus of helping her figure out her sexuality a bit).

meanwhile, i was serious about us because i was in love with her. as such, the relationship was obviously very unhealthy: neither of us had appropriate expectations of the other, and because of the imbalance in our level of commitment/love, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of my friendship in ways that only increased my obsession with her. naturally, our friendship eventually imploded.

i think the kaylor story may look similar.

my theory on kaylor:

i think that kaylor had a very similar friendship as me and my friend. their connection obviously started out as pr, but they ended up getting along well and bonded. thus started their genuine friendship.

i think that their eating disorders were likely a strong source of bonding/connection for them, as this was the case for me and my friend as well. i wanted to emulate how skinny my friend was, just how i think taylor wanted to emulate how skinny karlie was. (remember the vogue best best friends video, in which taylor complemented karlie’s “shiny abs.”) this is obviously an unhealthy place to start a friendship: from day one, you are on uneven ground, where one person is essentially worshipping the other and seeing them as a god-like figure to emulate.

imagine that taylor in that sort of mindset with karlie. and on top of that, she’s attracted to karlie—obsessed with her skinny body, her sunshine-like personality, how sophisticated she is, how effortlessly successful she is, etc. she develops an infatuation with karlie. she wants to take karlie to big sur with her and play 1989 on the way, and she’s so obsessed with karlie that she wants to tell her the truth about the 1989 muse. (trust me, it’s feasible—i told my friend shit i’d never have even imagined confessing to another human, all because of how infatuated with her i was.) so taylor and karlie sit down, have an intensely emotional conversation about how taylor is bi, how the pressures of staying closeted gut her every day, how her relationship with the 1989 muse dianna was so full of strife due to closeting, etc. /// or maybe taylor feels that she must disclose her bisexuality to karlie before the big sur trip. she’s terrified that if she doesn’t tell karlie she’s bi, then karlie will somehow find out. and taylor’s afraid that then, karlie will be creeped out that a ~predatory lesbian~ invited her on a three-month sleepover, leading to the demise of their friendship. so taylor must avoid that outcome – so she must come out to karlie.

so, for either reason i described, taylor comes out to karlie. considering how scared taylor is to come out to karlie (since it might ruin their friendship, or karlie might maliciously out her to others now that she knows, etc.) and considering how generally poor taylor’s mental health was at the time, the coming out inevitably evolves into an intensely emotional conversation about taylor’s fears, insecurities, the pressures of being a closeted mega-celebrity, etc. perhaps karlie feels compelled to match the level of emotion and vulnerability, motivating her to tell taylor “i’m questioning if i might be a little bi too.” or perhaps taylor’s level of earnestness and rawness stirs up the illusion of intense emotions inside of karlie. so, karlie “comes out” to taylor – confessing that she’s questioning/bi-curious (for context, i think karlie is kinsey 1). /// (to show the validity of this possibility – this is how evangelical churches, such as the one shown in the 2006 documentary “jesus camp”, are able to convince children that they’re being overcome by the holy spirit, being prompted by god to break down in tears, etc. – psychologically speaking, when people are put into highly intense emotional situations, [such as taylor breaking down while coming out to karlie], their brains will feel inadvertent pressure to match the level of emotion. as such, their brains will either exacerbate existing relevant emotions, or create the illusion of relevant strong emotions. [this is probably especially true for karlie, since she is an empath and a people pleaser.]).

thus starts the “friends with occasional benefits” stage. karlie views the relationship as something casual, something that gal pals do sometimes, something fun to experiment with while she and josh are on a break, and maybe with the added bonus of helping her figure out if she’s actually a little bit queer.

but taylor falls hard. as i already said, i think taylor was infatuated with karlie’s personality, success, and skinniness. that’s why taylor is willing to engage in such an unhealthy and un-reciprocal relationship: she’s willing to tolerate josh’s presence, because her brain is so fixated on karlie that she’s willing to endure anything for her. taylor may even recognize that kaylor is doomed, but she’s so in love/obsessed that she can’t bring herself to care about anything other than the utter infatuation she feels in this present moment. (this was true of me and my friend – my friend would literally vent to me about her long-term on-again-off-again boyfriend, and i was willing to endure it because of how obsessed with her i was.) or maybe taylor’s somewhat in denial about josh. (this was also true of me and my friend – i had such a hard time conceptualizing that she had feelings for the man that my brain, to some extent, refused to fully grasp the reality of that.) or maybe taylor was even in denial about how intensely she loved karlie, convincing herself that she just really valued her platonic friendship (i also did this – it took me months to admit that i had a crush on my friend and admit that my level of obsession wasn’t normal gal pal behavior – even though i was already out to myself.) also keep in mind the eating disorder dynamic here – taylor looked to karlie as an idol regarding how to eat healthy, exercise, be skinny, and be successful. the mindset of people engaged in eating disorders tends to be obsessive and unhealthy to the extent of being willing to ignore reality / unknowingly refusing to accept reality, possibly including the reality of josh, if taylor feels like her skinniness is dependent on her connection with karlie.

so basically, karlie sees this as a gal pal fling, friends with the occasional casual benefit. taylor, conversely, is infatuated with karlie. one thing that really confirms this for me is kissgate. taylor was liking kaylor shipped tumblr posts shortly before kissgate – she obviously was feeling something for karlie that night. but karlie wasn’t committed to taylor to the same level – yes they (allegedly) made out, but karlie made out with josh immediately afterwards. /// to taylor, kaylor is a ship, an endgame. but to karlie, taylor is just a fun little pit stop, and she’s gonna go make out with her real boyfie immediately after.

eventually, the friendship inevitably implodes, leading to their breakup in 2016. some straw finally breaks the camel’s back on this relationship which was unhealthy and doomed from day 1.

now let’s look at lyrical evidence from repuation that supports my theory.

lyrical evidence from reputation:

ready for it

the bearding anthem. verses “he” are joe, as confirmed by the music video. chorus “you” is her fantasy idealized version of long-term kaylor.

there’s a reason that the “you” relationship (in the chorus) is happening IN HER DREAMS and not in real life – she pines for this committed and serious relationship with karlie, but that’s not reality.

but taylor has hope that it might happen – “i know i’m gonna be with you, so I TAKE MY TIME.” she imagines they’ll be friends-to-lovers, and she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage

this is a stretch, but “thief”/“robber” may refer to how she’s “stealing” karlie from josh lol. “touch me and you’ll never be alone” may also be a cheeky reference how taylor was like a temporary placeholder for josh – when karlie felt alone bc she and josh were on a break, taylor was like “touch me karlie, to keep you occupied while josh has left you alone. and oh yeah, if you end up in a relationship with me, then i promise that you’ll never be alone, bc i will commit to you, unlike that josh boy. i will be so much better than him, if you just let me.”

end game (but only the chorus/verse which taylor wrote)

“i WANNA be your endgame” – taylor is not in a committed relationship with karlie. as karlie sees it, they’re just fooling around. but taylor wants more than that: she wants to be karlie’s endgame.  

“you and me would be a big conversation” bc they’re gay. (sorry joseph matthew alwyn, this line is not about you)

“i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” may be a reference to how karlie is gal pals with plenty of her female friends (example – her platonic yet very affectionate relationship with toni garrn). but taylor wants more than that – she wants their touches to be romantic rather than just platonic/occasionally casually sexual.

“i don’t wanna hurt you” – taylor fears that she’s bad news for karlie (a sentiment repeated in the first line of delicate, the bridge of i did something bad, etc.). this may be internalized homophobia – the predatory lesbian falls in love with her pure/innocent straight best friend and then corrupts her with homosexuality.

“but i ain’t tryna play” – taylor wants this relationship to be more than just the occasional fun/playful/casual hook up. she wants to be karlie’s end game.

“i hit you like ‘bang’, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn’t” may refer to the first time they hooked up. it was unexpected, just happened so suddenly (“like ‘bang’”). and they were just going to put it past them – sometimes friends hook up, it’s whatever. but taylor can’t move on from it.

“your body is gold” – self-explanatory. karlie is the gold rush girl, after all.

“you’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks” reminds me of how i used to try to communicate my seriousness/love to my friend, but she’d laugh it off and assume i was joking. conversely, perhaps the “trick” is that taylor is pretending that she’s not super invested in karlie—maybe karlie is catching on to the fact that taylor is infatuated with her in a ~gay way~. taylor denies it, but karlie calls her bluff on that statement.

“here’s the truth from my red lips” – but in the music video, her lips aren’t red when she says this line. this may allude to all of the lying involved in her relationship with karlie (such as lying about just how in love with karlie she really was). or taylor may have her lips a different color because the truth has changed from the time she wrote this song to the time she’s filming the video – when she wrote this song, it was true that she wanted to be karlie’s endgame. but by the time rep era is here and they’re filming this video, the kaylor friendship is over, and it is no longer true that taylor wants to be karlie’s endgame.

i did something bad

just like in “ready for it”, i think the verses primarily refer to bearding (or maybe calvin/kimye, idk), but the chorus is about karlie.

“they say did something bad / then why’s it feel so good” – it is bad that she slept with karlie despite the fact that karlie is in a complicated long term relationship with josh. but the sex felt good ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

“and i’d do it over and over and over again / IF I COULD” – this implies that taylor only did ~the bad thing~ a few times, and she was unable to do it more times, even though she wanted to. this lines up with my theory that she and karlie hooked up a few times (casually in karlie’s eyes), but taylor wanted it to be more than just a few times (she wanted to be karlie’s endgame). but they couldn’t get to that committed place of routinely having sex bc karlie was still low key hung up on josh.

this is a very unlikely reach but – “he says ‘don’t throw away a good thing’” – “he” might be josh speaking to karlie about their relationship.

in the bridge, taylor says that she is a witch being unjustly burned. the witch is burned because she is being accused of the sin of dark magic – this parallels josh accusing taylor of being a witch who committed the sin of sleeping with his girlfriend, or maybe even the sin of “corrupting” the pure straight girl karlie. furthermore, the bridge invokes religious imagery of purgatory. and tbh, religious imagery is almost always gay xoxo.

don’t blame me

“don’t blame me, love made me crazy” again implies that taylor has committed a sort of ~crime~, such as the ~crimes~ i just mentioned regarding the don’t blame me bridge.

“my drug is my baby” – the drug reference makes me think of dependency. the obsession and infatuation i experienced with my friend (and that i suspect taylor experienced with karlie) is sort of like a drug dependency – and just like a drug dependency, the need for each other is not reciprocal (the drug does not need you back).

“shaking, pacing, i just need you” implies that taylor does not have “you”, which is consistent with my theory that she wanted kaylor to be endgame whereas karlie was only willing to doing occasional gal pal hook ups.

“for you, i would cross the line” / “they say she’s gone too far this time” – sleeping with josh kushner’s ~innocent straight~ girlfriend certainly crosses a line, lol.

“i would waste my time” – as i mentioned in my ready for it analysis, taylor hopes that kaylor be friends-to-lovers. she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage, even though she recognizes that the relationship is doomed and thus a waste of time.

“my name is whatever you decide” – we don’t have to “girlfriends.” we can just be “friends with benefits” or “gal pals” or whatever name you decide, because i am so desperate to have you at all that i will accept you in any form.

“i’m insane, but i’m your baby” – acknowledging that this unhealthy relationship/infatuation she has with karlie is “insane”

“halo hiding my OBSESSION” – “obsession” (!!!!) (that’s what i’ve been saying kaylor was!!!). also, “halo” is a religious metaphor, and religious metaphors are always gay xoxo. and this is a reach, but as a victoria’s secret angel, karlie wears a halo.

“i once was poison ivy, but now i’m your daisy” – i’m sorry, but i’ll never get over the fact that karlie tagged the daisy as taylor, and then taylor drew a picture of a daisy in an identical position above the word “daisy” in the handwritten lyrics.

“for you, i would fall from grace / just to touch your face” – religious metaphors are gay xoxo!

delicate – unsure if this song is about karlie (i think it’s more likely about lily or even joe), but if it is about karlie, it does align well with my kaylor theory.

“this ain’t for the best” – doomed relationship due to josh, corruption of straight girl, karlie won’t commit, etc.

“we can’t make / any promises” – karlie can’t commit to taylor like taylor wants/needs

“is it cool that i said all that? is it chill that you’re in my head? cuz i know that it’s delicate” – is it cool that i have gay feelings for you, bestie, because i know we’re toeing a very delicate line between friends and lovers?

“third floor on the west side” – iirc, the master bedroom of karlie’s west side apartment was on the third floor

“do the girls back home touch you like i do?” – contrasting platonic girls’ touches to the type of touch taylor is giving her. (similar vibe to “i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” in end game)

“stay here, honey, I DON’T WANNA SHARE” – i don’t wanna share you with josh

“I PRETEND YOU’RE MINE ALL THE DAMN TIME” – implies that karlie is not hers all the time (because she’s josh’s)

“i like you …… i want you” – taylor is Yearning™ for a deeper/more serious relationship with karlie

look what you made me do

i don’t think this song has much substance, but it may draw on themes/emotions from the kaylor friendship break up.

“i don’t like your games” – i don’t like how you led me on, making me feel like we could be forever when, in reality, you were never going to commit to me because you loved josh

“don’t like your tilted stage” – this reminds me of the power imbalance i mentioned earlier: taylor was obsessed with karlie and idolized her. karlie did not reciprocate this dedication and infatuation. because taylor’s love for karlie is so much more intense than karlie’s love for her, the metaphorical scale is imbalanced, making it tilt.  

“the role you made me play, of the fool” – you made me out to be a fool, ready to confess my undying love even though you could never reciprocate. // furthermore, the “role” may refer to how they had to act like platonic girl squad besties as per their pr arrangement (reminds me of how karlie publicly said “taylor and i are still besties” after karlie’s name wasn’t on the junior jewels shirt in the lwymmd mv, how karlie promo-ed the “Me!” filter on Instagram, the song closure, etc.)

“your perfect crime” – the crime of sleeping with taylor despite being low key still with josh

“i got smarter” – i began to realize how unhealthy this warped and imbalanced friendship was

“you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out and threw a feast” – this may refer to karlie had a ~designated bestie sleepover room~ in taylor’s house, and that enty blind about how karlie used taylor’s credit card and that caused a feud lol

i do not think that “so it goes” is about karlie – it’s too reciprocal. i don’t think gorgeous is about karlie specifically – maybe lily or just women in general. and i agree with andy’s theory that getaway car is more so an exercise in storytelling than a song that contains substantive clues about her relationships.

king of my heart

we have the photos showing that taylor wrote/recorded this after facetiming with karlie to watch the sunset together. taylor wrote this right after that romantic coded date, presumably during a high point of their friendship/relationship – as such, this song is more idealistic than most other kaylor songs. taylor is hopeful about the future of a committed endgame kaylor. (but, we’ll also see that taylor does still have some insecurities about kaylor.)

“now you try on calling me baby like trying on clothes” – karlie is just “trying on” calling her baby. karlie is new to this whole wlw thing, and she won’t be wearing these metaphorical clothes (a wlw relationship) for long – she’s just trying them on. furthermore, “trying on clothes” may reference how karlie is a model.

“salute to me, i’m your american queen” – i think i remember from my ttb days (derogatory) that there’s a video clip of karlie calling taylor “the perfect all-american girl” whilst doing a salute.

“you move to me like a motown beat” may reference the “motown beats” instagram post where kaylor are putting on lipstick together

the fact that taylor includes the line “all the boys and their expensive cars … never took me quite where you do” may be a sign of taylor’s insecurity. i think this may be a message to karlie – ‘yes, josh is a rich boy with expensive cars, but look, we are so much better than joshlie is.’ calling josh a mere “boy” is also a funny little insult – he’s not a man, he’s just some silly little boy who can’t satisfy you like i can.

“body and soul” – i think it might be significant that taylor specifies body AND soul. they’re already connected by the soul through their close friendship – but now they’re connecting sexually with their bodies as well. conversely, this could reference how they’ve already connected bodily through casual gal pal hook ups, but now taylor believes that they’re starting to connect on that romantic soul level as well.

“school girl crush” gives me such unreciprocated crush vibes. maybe taylor’s crush was unreciprocated for a while, but she has reason to believe that their relationship is growing into ~more than just friends~, as she’s desired

“drinking beer out of plastic cups” – knicks game

“say you fancy me, not fancy stuff” – “fancy” could just be straight-bait to make swiftwyn beards look more convincing, or it could be a re-dedication of the song to joe (just how the bridge of dress re-dedicated that song to joe). (for context, i believe in swiftwyn beards-to-lovers.) but what’s important here is that “fancying stuff” made me think of how, as a model, karlie is like madona’s Material Girl. rich boy josh with his fancy cars can give karlie more “stuff” to satisfy her inner material girl, but taylor wants to show karlie that she can give her deeper fulfillment than that.

“this is enough” – this might be taylor reassuring herself that their relationship, despite being in a weird ~gal pals who hook up occassionally~ is enough. even though they’re not ~girlfriends~, the relationship is enough, because taylor believes that they’re working their way towards that ~body and soul endgame wives~ type of relationship.

“all at once” may refer to a seemingly sudden shift in the nature of their relationship – one day, they’re (infuriatingly) just gal pals who hook up, but all of a sudden, taylor has reason to believe/hope that maybe they’re starting to be more than that, maybe inching their way towards endgame territory.

i do not think that dancing with our hands tied is necessarily about karlie. it seems too reciprocal to be just about her; it might be an amalgamation of many relationships and how she frequently fears being outed.

dress

“a golden tattoo” – drake’s party. also, karlie is gold rush girl

“all of this silence, pining and anticipation / my hands are shaking from holding back from you / all of this silence, pining and desperately waiting” – once again implies that taylor does not have karlie the way she wants her. there’s “pining” because she wants more than karlie can give. and taylor is “desperately waiting” in hopes that maybe one day karlie will reciprocate her love to the full extent that she desires

“i don’t want you like a best friend” – self-explanatory

“carve your name into my bedpost” – taylor is making a request – ‘please commit, please leave a sign that you are committed to me forever, please be my endgame.’ note the dichotomy between this plea for karlie to take the initiative to make the carving, versus the statement in the first verse of how karlie inadvertently left “an indentation in the shape of” her. the indentation was not an act of karlie’s chosen will – taylor just so happened to fall in love with her, and now she’s asking karlie to reciprocate by making that carving.

“inescapable, i’m not even gonna try” – taylor is resigned to the fact that she’s fallen for karlie, even though the relationship might be doomed (as the next line demonstrates)

“if I get burned, at least we were electrified” – taylor is acknowledging that this relationship is low key doomed, and if anyone is going to get hurt, it’ll be taylor. taylor will be the one getting “burned” by the intensity of her infatuation, whereas karlie won’t be burned because she never reciprocated that intense love. /// going back to my commentary on “carve your name into my bedpost” – note how taylor frequently references karlie “claiming” her (with “marks”, “indentations”, “carvings”, and now “burns”), whereas taylor never states that she’s claimed karlie in any way. i think this may reflect taylor’s recognition that she has fallen much harder for karlie than karlie has for her. karlie does not bear marks, indentations, carvings, or burns from their relationship, because she was never as committed as taylor was. but taylor bears all those things because it is she who fell so hard for karlie.  

“you kiss my face and we’re both drunk” reminds me of that trope where the gal pals only make out when they’re drunk because they’re convinced they’re actually straight. maybe karlie is one of those straight girls who only has so much capacity for wlw sex, meaning that it happens more often when she’s drunk than when sober.

i do not think that “this is why we can’t have nice things” is a direct karlie song. it may indirectly reference how karlie “broke” the “nice thing” that was their relationship by refusing to commit, but i don’t think that the song has anything substantive to show us about kaylor.

i’m not sure if i think “call it what you want” is a kaylor song. on some level, “fit like a daydream” does sound like eating disorder taylor idolizing karlie’s body, and it’s interesting to me how the subject of the song expresses virtually no devotion to taylor, whereas taylor spends the whole song telling the subject “call it what you want – call us girlfriends, gal pals, whatever you want as long as i can keep you.” this reminds me a bit of kaylor.

new year’s day

“don’t read the last page” because i know that this book has a sad ending. this relationship is doomed, and it’s going to end poorly. but let’s put that out of our minds – i’m to infatuated with you in this moment to think about how this will inevitably end.

“i stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away” – when karlie is “lost” (leaving taylor to go back to josh) or “turning away” from taylor to go back to josh, taylor stays. she’s scared that she’s going to lose karlie, but she’s still going to stay, because she’s willing to “waste her time” (don’t blame me) waiting for karlie to choose her.

“i stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes” – taylor is willing to stay through the mess of their imbalanced and un-reciprocal relationship even when that inevitably gets hard. their relationship is “wrong” because karlie is josh’s, and maybe kaylor was a mistake because of joshlie, but taylor doesn’t care – she loves karlie too much, so she’s going to stay and wait for karlie to choose her.

“i WANT your midnights” – implying that taylor does not currently have them, because karlie is not reciprocating the level of love taylor is giving and wants in return.

“hold on to the memories” implies that this relationship will be ending soon (because it is doomed), leaving karlie only memories to hold onto.

“i will hold onto you” – this goes back to the theme of taylor’s obsession. karlie is her drug – she’s addicted to her, and she will “waste her time” eternally waiting for karlie to choose her because she’s that obsessed with her.

“please don’t ever become a stranger” – why is taylor worrying about this? because the relationship is doomed, and becoming strangers feels like this horrible yet inevitable ending that will be a part of “the last page”

thanks for reading, and sorry about any typos!

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SUBMISSION

I found this as part of my Insta ask era but let’s look over this for thoughts. Haven’t read it yet but I know anon was stressed it got lost (it did because y’all talk too much but also don’t stop I love it).

[doyouever-daydream]

What is a comfort show anyway?

Well, it's time to vent about my emotions on the events of today: the end of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. 

(These aren’t series finale spoilers, maybe season 5 spoilers but mainly just me reminiscing on how I got to this show and how it became something special in my life)

I remember seeing a lot of people talk about that show for years... I remember reading tweets, seeing posts here on Tumblr and me thinking: I have to watch it sometime.

It took me five years and for the show to be cancelled to finally give it a chance.

I started watching right before season 5 ended, back in 2018, before that I obviously had many shows that I loved with all my heart but never really understood the concept 'comfort show', I just believed that TV shows had the sole purpose of entertain and nothing more.

I remember being all alone in my house for the very first time ever, I had just graduated uni and I was starting a new job, everything felt very new and scary and I needed solace, comfort and a good laugh... Little did I know Brooklyn Nine-Nine was going to be all that and more... I spent a week watching this show almost 24/7, I remember downloading episodes and watching them on the subway, when I was eating, pretty much any moment where I could pay attention to it, I was watching it.

One thing about me is that I love music, I love listening to my favorite songs at random moments, especially songs that aren't popular, I vividly remember one night where I was watching season 1 episode 21 and by the end Thunder Clatter by Wild Cub (a song that always brings me joy for some unknown reason) started playing and I just knew from that moment that B99 would become one of my favorite shows (what I didn't know was that it would also change my opinion on TV shows).

It gave me SO MUCH joy, I fell in love with the characters, the writing, the humor, the cast.

I binged all five season in less than a month I think and after watching Jake and Amy's wedding and crying my eyes out, I felt panic thinking that could've been the end of it and that being the case I would've never experienced the anticipation of a new season and all that magical moments as a fan of a TV show one gets to experience, you know the excitement when they start filming a new season, promoting it, getting behind the scenes pictures from the cast to mention a few.

Right after I finished 5x22, I immediately went back to 1x01, never in my entire life I've wanted to rewatch a show that quickly.

Since then I've re-watched it many times, had the theme song as my alarm sound and ringtone, talked wonders of it to my friends and just really grasped the concept of 'comfort show', I turned to it whenever I felt sad or needed a little motivation because you know, life gets tough sometimes, and that’s something I never did before with my other favorite shows.

Thank you Brooklyn Nine-Nine for becoming my comfort show, source of joy, serotonin and solace.

And to anyone feeling nostalgic or sad, I feel you.

Anyway I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom (And maybe write some Peraltiago fanfiction because that’s what I do to cope when a show ends)

[bakerysnake]

05 . do you have any writing superstitions ? what are they and why are they 100% true ?

06 . what is your darkest fear about writing ?

07 . what is your deepest joy about writing ?

09 . do you believe in ghosts ? this isn’t about writing i just wanna know

13 . what is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about ? what is easy ?

18 . choose a passage from your writing. tell me about the backstory of this moment. how you came up with it, how it changed from start to end.

19 . tell me a story about your writing journey. when did you start ? why did you start ? were there bumps along the way ? where are you now and where are you going ?

39 . what keeps you writing when you feel like giving up ?

5. none for fic writing but i have a journal (that i leave untouched for months) and i always always always write with red ink in it

6. i'll never improve

7. reading it and feeling like, damnnn, i wrote that? in the positive way (especially when it's a scene meant to convey an emotion i feel a lot)

9. i believe in ghosts against my will. i don't wanna but i've heard too many stories to not believe

13. i don't do well with stuff like historical aus, fantasy aus where i have to do some world building, i'm bad with details i think. emotionally charged scenes, especially ones made to mirror my own experiences, are easy. i think i commented a post once that all my writing is pretty much vent/comfort writing, and it still holds true

18. here's a passage from the enhypen hunger games au i've mentioned before (and mention again in Q19)

An indescribable feeling hit him. A longing for something he’d never had. Jungwon wished for an escape. He imagined the moon as a spaceship. It would land in front of him, offering a home in a place without time. He wanted to go there anytime he felt mixed up, until he felt strong enough to face his problems again. If he never did, so be it. He’d spend his days there, letting the guilt of abandoning everyone he knew eat him away. Could he forget? Jay once told him about a paradise where people slowly forgot their lives. Could Jungwon go there?

the entire story is based on feeling incredibly pressurised by everything around you (society, family, friends, the circumstances you fall into). jungwon's situation is meant to mirror how i feel when i'm pressured by school, my family's expectations, the workload of the indian education system, etc. this is the one passage i felt didn't need any change from the first draft to what it is right now, so yeah, it's barely changed since i wrote it about a year ago

19. i started in third grade. i was in the gifted program in arizona and we had lots of book reports and creative writing projects. i found that i was pretty good and enjoyed it! i don't remember feeling passionate about writing until i came on tumblr though. before that, i just did it sometimes for fun, usually constructing story outlines and writing a little, then leaving it to collect dust. i did win a creative writing contest in 5th grade though! i turned a trip to the museum into a mystery with a t-rex skeleton and an invisibility ray >:D then i started a hunger games au with a kpop group in uh, 8th grade i think. (i don't write for real people anymore but i've gotten attached to the characterisation and the versions of the people in my story + it conveys a message that's very important to me, so i still work on it from time to time) there have been times when i don't write for a long time (like rn) and with the workload i have, i don't always get the time, but i'm always willing to write or look for inspo if i have the time. there was a while in the middle when i felt like i absolutely had to write and i felt bad bc i wasn't, but it's all better now. i know to not pressurise myself about it right now, like i said, i'm very busy. with school, a social life and the media i consume in my downtime, there's very little time to write. i wrote a few paragraphs of a solomon x reader comfort fic, but i don't think i'll finish it until i feel comfortable enough to revisit those feelings. there's also the academic rivals to lovers one for satan, and i just don't have any inspo for it rn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i might write something for levi? just headcanons though

39. the thought that i'm not a failure if i take a break from writing or i don't feel like it for a (long) while; it's a hooby and meant to bring me joy, after all. i'm pretty glad i never planned on pursuing writing as a career bc i'd be very burnt out

[autumn-foxfire]

I think this needs to be said because of my last couple of anons.

I am a human being, specifically I am a stressed out human being with extreme social anxiety in real life and depression (I am so anxious I've become a shut-in even).

My tumblr is my escape, it is my place to vent and be free, a place where I can talk to you guys without the anxiety clawing in my insides and making me feel upset.

In the past I was terrified of doing so. I panicked whenever I sent asks to people myself because "what if I didn't hit anon? what if they find me annoying? am I overstepping?", to be able to talk to you guys without that anxiety has been so freeing for me.

Sometime my emotions get the better of me, sometimes when I answer you guys I'm too rude to you (and you don't deserve that so when I am like this I try to apologise). However I'm not going to sit back and allow you guys to walk over me if I feel like you're being rude to me too. If you didn't mean to be so and come to apologise and explain, a lot of the time I will apologise to you as well for overreacting.

I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect, sometimes I'm upset, I'm angry, sometimes I feel passionate on a subject and you guys won't agree and that's okay! In fact, when it's a civil discussion I love talking with people who disagree because it expands my horizens (though don't expect me to automatically agree with you the moment you do).

My intention with my asks and answers aren't to upset you, I just want to talk. And I know you guys want to talk too and that's why I'm here!