#when I had a therapist she tried to help me figure out where my ‘should’s come from

[zweikometen]

I think maybe. Just because I have a privilege doesn’t mean I should feel compelled to use it.

[homunculus-argument]

I'm very glad to see that your new therapist is working out well for you so far! It makes me think that I probably should find a good one myself, however I don't really know how to go about that. Not locating one, I mean getting into the issues I need to deal with, especially if I don't really know where to begin beyond "I'm emotionally and mentally fucked up and would like to not be". As someone who's seen multiple therapists, even if the others didn't really click for you, do you have any advice about that?

To be honest, not really. It's the same annoying thing as what people say about dating - you just have to keep trying with new ones until you find one that clicks. But not knowing where to begin is a starting point, and that's still progress if you can find a therapist that seems to be helping with trying to start figuring out what the problem is. My first therapist was the best match I could find at the time, with my problem of "I don't know why I'm like this", and she helped me start unwrapping what I even mean by that.

After she helped me through getting diagnosed with ADHD, and the problems caused by being undiagnosed and unmedicated were resolved, I started to feel like she can't help with the ones that remained. I once told her that being in therapy felt like that joke of a man who goes to a therapist on all fours because he thinks he's a dog, and comes out walking upright - he still thinks he's a dog, but the therapist trained him to walk on his hind legs so it doesn't show. She laughed and agreed that this is essentially what therapy is, and that's when I figured that that isn't what I need from therapy.

The second one was the best match I could find at the time - now that I had been trained out of acting insane, it was easier to start untangling what was making me act in unhinged ways in the first place. Going into what I was feeling and what kind of experiences had trained me into having that kind of responses to that kind of situations. That was useful for a while, but after a time I started to feel like she was trying to make me complacent with how I am by reassuring me that there was nothing wrong with me - she tried to validate my feelings by telling me that I'm ok, and I felt invalidated by the way she was denying that there still was something wrong with me, and denying that I'm not ok.

In three years of therapy, I had gained enough clarity about what kind of a problem we're even talking about, that once my last session with my second therapist was done, I looked up a therapist that specialises in one specific problem that I hadn't even been aware of when I started with my first therapist, and which my second therapist reassured me would fix itself on its own once I'm better. Three years of therapy had made me aware enough of my own problems to be able to find a specialist and point a huge crack on the wall, point at it and go "look at that thing. That's not supposed to be there, right?"

And have her go "oh yeah, that's bad. Yikes."

[theobsessedbrunet]

Damn stupid

One- shot, Pairings: Bucky Barnes x You

  The rooms of the interrogation room were blank grey like the floor and the ceiling and the chairs and the table. Very boring and tiring room. You had actually never seen one, they were a little bit different from the movies and series. There was no mirror on the wall or a metal railing on the table where the suspect could be handcuffed to. Or maybe you got a normal waiting room, reserved for not so dangerous people.

  "I'm sorry I got you into this mess."

  Your turned to look at your partner in crime sitting next to you, looking anywhere else than you. You pressed your mouth together and slightly smiled. "If we're accurate, I got you into this mess."

  Bucky laughed slightly, the sound echoing in the empty room. He had a slight stubble lining his jawline and he had started growing his hair a bit longer again. Something he had not been planning to do, but once you commented how good he looked with that, he decided to do it. Of course, you had no idea he did that because of you. Honestly, you were so oblivious. He was head over heels for you, hence the situation you both were in now.

  You two had decided to go for a few drinks since the weekend was starting and the situation had escalated. A girl had tried to hit on Bucky but got rejected by him and she took it out on you. Bad mouthing about you in the bathroom to some randoms and at the counter. You had enough about that after you heard her talking to what you had counted to a seventh person. Some words were exchanged between you, then some pushing around and before you knew it you were in your first ever bar fight. Bucky only tried to keep you safe and pull you away from her but things got complicated when the other girl's boyfriend came to pick her up.

  Bucky finally got the courage to glance at you but quickly looked away when he saw the dried blood below one of your nostrils. He hated himself for letting you get hurt. Your safety was always his number one priority.

  You noticed his brows furrowing after he had glanced at you. Wanting to lighten up the mood, you laugh a bit and push his shoulder lightly. "You should see the other girl."

  He shook his head a smile forming on his lips. "I did."

  The door suddenly opened as Dr Raynor strutted inside and sat on a chair across from you two. You took notice of one folder in her hands as she sighed, glancing between you two. She was a strict woman let alone a therapist. 

  "You are a constant pain in my ass." She simply began, opening the folder. 

  "Will we be out of here soon?" You asked, careful not to poke the bear any more than necessary. 

  "You, yes. Him, no."

  You and Bucky looked at each other, not surprised how it went to that. Yes, Bucky had conditions in his case that demanded that he would not break the law or hurt anyone and he had been caught doing that. 

  "But it was not Bucky's fault. He didn't start it, I did." I leaned forward towards Dr Raynor who looked at me unphased. Bucky placed his leather covered hand on my knee and looked into my eyes a small smile playing on his lips. He knew it wouldn't help but he appreciated your efforts.

  A sigh escaped out of you as you slumped back into your chair. "Well, how long are you going to keep him here?"

  "You and your boyfriend got big plans for tonight?" Dr Raynor asked, eyes analyzing every movement. Bucky quickly pulled his hand back embarrassed and slightly annoyed with Dr Raynor. She definitely knew what she was doing.

  "He's- He's not my boyfriend." You breathed out. You were taken back by her ruthlessness. She either, in this five minutes figured out how you felt about or Bucky had said something to her in their therapy sessions. It couldn't have been the second option since you two were only friends, so simply said she was way too good at her job.

  "You better tell him that then." 

  You looked at Bucky confused. Eyebrows furrowed you tried to meet his blue eyes but he once again looked anywhere else than at you. 

  "Only love makes you that crazy-" Dr Raynor began, eyes traveling between your two frozen bodies. "And that damn stupid." 

  Soon enough you were let out.. Jacket wrapped around you, you sat down on one of the cushioned waiting chairs, determined to wait for Bucky's release. People walked in and out, chatter filling the place.

  Could it be that it was not at all about the girl bad mouthing about you but about Bucky getting hit on? Did you use that as an excuse to attack on that girl? No you were not that petty to actually attack a girl because she tried a guy you fancied. Right? He was good looking and his musky scent just pulls you into him and- and his presence just takes over any room he steps in. You couldn't blame her, you are just as attracted to him as she was. Definitely more.

  Few hours later Bucky appeared from the double doors a police officer quick on his heel. The officer stayed at the doors, eyes trailing Bucky as he spotted you sitting in the waiting room. Emotionless look on his face, he walked towards you with a stride. Your eyes traveled over his metal arm that was visible to everybody as he had his jacket in his hands. 

  As you stood up, you wanted to reach for him, ask about what they said or if he was in a lot of trouble. But before you could do that, Bucky collided into you. His hand quickly found your waist as the other one was placed on your cheek. He pulled you into him, overtaking your lips into his. He was demanding, and still so careful and sweet. Your lips moved in a slow rhythm, enjoying every second.

  It ended too fast as he pulled away from you. His blue eyes meeting yours as he anxiously waited for your reaction. After you had walked out of the room, Dr Raynor had given him a talking about how he should allow himself to experience life. You were a big part of this talking as she had seen how you had blushed at the mention of him being your boyfriend. 

  Your eyes gleamed as you gazed up at Bucky, smiles taking over both of your faces. You slid your hands down his arms into his hands, enjoying every touch of flesh and the cold metal. 

  "We need to come up with a better first kiss story." You laughed as you two turned towards the exit. You leaned against Bucky's shoulder as he smiled widely, glad that for once Dr Raynor gave a good advice.

[sidebaxolotl]

Do you know of any good resources for dealing with gender dysphoria from a side B or Y Christian angle (i.e., not affirming sin or encouraging transition?) It's not huge in my life but sometimes it comes up and I wish I had more advice for dealing with it. A lot of the stuff I find is unhelpful because it's just plainly restating the rules with how Christianity doesn't condone gender ideology with no practical advice, is in that "how to talk to your friend who has this issue" pov, or just kinda goes "lol pray about it idk". I 100% know and stand by that biological sex is biological sex and don't think it's possible to change to the opposite sex, nor do I really want to... so it's not a matter of needing to persuade me, but it doesn't change that I still have feelings of stress and of not really living up to or fitting in with womanhood. When I'm around other women it can be really difficult because I feel so profoundly different when we should be similar. TIA

Sorry this took so long, I took the time to talk to a couple of people who had dysphoria in the past and some who didn't to get some insight.

Both the people I had talked to who had it had cited porn as a major reason why they developed it in the first place so if thats not ur experience then maybe this wont be as helpful for you 😅

They did bring up a good point that assessing where you think your dysphoria comes from from a psychiatric standpoint could help you figure out how to deal with it and i was given this link:

https://oncurrentevents.substack.com/on-gender-transition-and-psychiatric-disorders

Like for example it was pointed out to me that gd presents a lot like body dysmorphia (specifically, like eating disorders and stuff) so u might be able to use whatever coping mechanisms are used for that to help. It also seems to be a prevalent phenomenon in autistic and adhd individuals so perhaps addressing those things if you have them would help.

I was also linked to this book, the friend in question had remarked that it had helped a lot of the women he knew:

https://a.co/d/6DNWdA2

The guy I talked to said therapy had helped him as well as support from God/ his family but finding non affirming therapists that have a nuanced view on things is extremely difficult, esp if you want a Christian one. Him and I were extremely lucky in that way.

The one woman i spoke to said she quit porn and sobered off gd feelings once she realized transitioning wouldnt truly make her a boy.

I did want to be a boy when i was really young but im not super sure that counts? Idk.

For me what helped was realizing a lot of what made me not want to be a girl at that time was just a reaction to stereotypical gender roles and sexism towards women. Once i started challenging those perceptions and the ways my brain was affirming them i became way more comfortable in my body.

I also had a similar realization as sibling that I'd never truly be able to be a boy if i tried to alter my body. I could wear blue and be the night in shining armor and be a hero and still be a woman, yknow?

Also a lot of it was me being very gay and not realizing it lmaooo

I can def relate to not really fitting in with women--particularly in Christian settings I'm typically the only one who isnt hyperfemme and it can be a bit alienating.

Realizing i wasn't straight kinda helped too since the lesbian perception of womanhood is a lot more fluid than its straight counterpart. Not saying to "go gay" if you aren't but maybe looking into butch and gnc communities and framing your self-perception in that way might help?

If there are any other side b dysphoric folks reading this feel free to chime in with your own tips/resources in dealing with this stuff please!!

[kidney9-9]

Not Today Mister - Chapter 9

Aizawa x Reader Masterlist

-

Aya took you out to get some coffee, to talk more about Aizawa and your situation away from any possible prying ears and eyes.

“As crazy you are over him, you need to start thinking he’s a regular man.” Aya spoke up, giving you the cup, she picked up from the front of the coffee shop. You sighed as you reached for the cup and grabbed it.

“He is not regular!” You respond, slapping your hand on your knee for effect. She just stared at you blankly.

“He’s a regular man, just like every other man.” Aya replied, raising her eyebrows at your reaction.

“But he’s a hero!” You tried to explain but she shook her head.

“So is Endeavor.” She snorted.

“Ew, don’t compare my man to that pile of flaming trash.” You scoffed, taking a sip from your cup.

Aya rolled her eyes but nodded, “Okay, yeah, sure, he’s better than Endeavor. I’m happy you don’t like Endeavor.”

You two laughed as you responded, “If I liked Endeavor, please slap me out of that nonsense. He’s so mean to everyone!”

“Okay, enough bashing the number one hero. Now, let’s talk more about Aizawa.” Aya spoke up, stopping her laughter.

You scratched your head, “Uh, what do you want to talk about him? I’m all for this, but I don’t want to be emotionally blackmailed in the future.” Aya chuckled at that and placed her coffee on the table.

“I wouldn’t emotionally blackmail you.” Aya said and then you gave her a pointed look.

“Hm, really? Cause,” You got caught off with Aya sighing.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise.” Aya swore and you smiled at her.

“Good.” You noted.

“Okay! Okay… let’s get to it. We are going to set up a plan. You can’t give all this power to some man you haven’t ever spoken to. So, at least speak to him once and make sure you like him. What if he’s actually some rude asshole?” She rambled and you laughed and shook your head.

“Talk to him? Also no, I’m not giving him power! I have the power here, because I know who he is and I’m avoiding him because it’ll distract me from reaching my dream vacation, you know this!”

“Avoidance and power are two separate things.” She shook her head.

“When did you start being a therapist?” You groaned, dropping your head down to the table.

She snorted, “When my best friend started to act like a lunatic.”

“You’re just supposed to be a pro hero, stop being a therapist.” You criticize playfully.

She rolled her eyes and drank some coffee, “After you stop being crazy about some guy.”

“Deal.” You laughed.

“So, the plan starts off with talking to him. Learn what to type of person he is and if he’s actually a good guy. And I know you can’t talk to him face to face so we’re going to do solve that by making a situation where you can talk to him without him seeing you. Then you’re going to decide if you actually really like him or not. If not – then congrats! You go on your dream vacation without any problems. If you do, then we’ll go to part 2 of the plan.”

You stare at her with wide eyes, “Okay, first off, how are we going to make that happen? That situation thing?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know but it’ll have to be in UA. Is there a dance room or a ballet room, something like that?”

You perk up, “Oh, yeah! There’s an interrogation room with a two-way mirror, good idea!”

“I’m the best at ideas.” She bragged, laughing.

“You are, so how should I bring him to the room?” You asked.

“Uhhh, no clue.” She spoke.

“Damn it.”

-

You left soon after the plan was completed. Aya helped you a lot, you didn’t expect her to, but she did. You grinned at the thought of her, and you knew you’d have to pay her back or give her a few gifts as a thank you.

You were back at UA now and had a few things to do. You still needed to figure out how to bring Aizawa into the interrogation room, but you also had to do your job now. You couldn’t forget about that.

You tried to think about how to get him into an interrogation room. You couldn’t find a way without speaking face to face with him and you couldn’t do that. Maybe you’d have to ask someone for help. Nezu would help you but then you’d have to explain why you had to speak to him in the first place – which would reveal that you lied to him.

In the meantime, you have to do your job now.

You pushed your cleaning cart along with you as you started to mop the floor of one of the main hallways. It was after school ended, so not many students and staff were still around the classrooms.

In fact, you checked the cameras to make sure a specific man was not here (Aizawa), and you were glad to find he left the moment class ended. He was probably going to go sleep in his room here and then get ready to go on patrol.

You hummed as you slowly got to the classes to mop the floors. They were mostly still clean, except there was some dust in the corners and a bit of mud on the carpets by the entry ways.

“Hello there, listener!”

You gasped and flinched in shock at the loud voice and turned around to find Hizashi Yamada standing behind you.

“Oh, hi there.” You spoke back politely as you nervously gripped the mop in your hands.

“I have some stuff I need to speak to you with…” Hizashi grinned widely at you. He noticed how nervous you were and took a step back, hoping to calm you down.

You were nervous for one main reason. He was Aizawa’s best friend! They’ve been friends since high school! You had no reason to talk to Hizashi too, so you wondered what exactly he wanted from you now.

[foggyparadisecandy]

Since you asked, therapy is going well. Oh please don't bother to read this - it's so ... non-horny and awful.

Yes - I am very intelligent and observant. And yes - I shouldn't diminish the fact that I saw and stepped over my ex's trauma.

I am valid in saying I saw these things - it's not some monday morning quarterbacking where I can look over the past perfectly. I HAVE THE LOGS - I CAN SEE WHAT SHE WROTE AND WHAT I WROTE. I SAW IT AND WALKED PAST THEM!!!!! I'm not imagining shit.

But ... I'm not a trained trauma specialist. I had NO idea how to address it. I was uncomfortable. My responses show that clearly ... I felt awkward and nervous and scared for her.

I had already told her (I was her daddy - I told her and she did stuff) to see a therapist. She *had* tried two separate therapists because I prompted her. I wasn't trying to fix her stuff without a specialist.

She just had the misfortune of getting two really awful therapists. Just ... awful. We ran out of runway to find a third when she hit her trauma point.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have said "find a trauma specialist" and "reach out to dozens of them so you get in sooner - don't wait MONTHS to see someone."

Ugh. I can own that I saw what I saw. But I can also let go of the guilt. And ... yeah ... working on it. Working on it.

And yeah ... she should have spoke up more. She should have asked for help. Yeah ... she was not used to a supporting and caring person. I scared her with my love sometimes. She was uncomfortable with it. I get that. I do I do I do.

But fuck. She is so capable. She had choices on how to respond.

It's done, it's done, it's done. No point in spiraling again.

She's gone, she's gone, she's gone.

Anyhoooooo therapy is going well. lol

This might sound foolish to some of you but I asked the therapist to explain boundaries to me. I am smart. I read a lot. I've read up on them because so many kind people have said during this dark period "Foggy, you need better boundaries."

I literally have no idea how to navigate or set up a boundary. It's why I forgive so easily. I mean ... yeah ... techically if you shit on me the same way multiple times, I *will* cut you out of my life. Forgive you, yes, but also cut you out.

She asked me "and have you ever actually cut someone out of your life that way?" lol ... rude question. Dear reader, I'm sure you can guess my answer.

She then asked, "why is it you find it so hard to put up boundaries to protect yourself? Are you afraid of hurting them?"

No. That's not it. "It's because if I do that, i won't be there when they need me."

Just like my fucking mom needed me when I was a kid. To keep her insanity in check. To keep from burning our house down (figuratively ... and ... literally threatened to do).

So yeah ... no fucking wonder I have no boundaries.

I wasn't taught anything better.

What a shit show to find out your life is just full of stupid shit because of shit that happened when you were a little kid.

Oh well. Whatever, I guess.

The good news is "Foggy, it's ok. You see it now. Now we can build off your knowledge and set up reasonable boundaries for your future self. You can do this."

Ok Doc. I forgive you for being so real and pointing out my weaknesses.

Fuck that girl for abandoning me though. I love her. I forgive her. I hope she's ok but ... fuck her for slicing my heart and soul into pieces.

I didn't deserve any of that shit. BARE MINIMUM FUCKING LET ME KNOW YOU ARE DOING OK SO I CAN HAVE SOME PEACE OF MIND. God. I took great care of her.

She doesn't owe me anything ... I guess that's so. And what a shitty world we live in where we don't owe anything to people who care deeply about us.

[raleighcarreras]

it's all so incredibly loud

Part 5: like Lucifer, I've fallen

Pairing: Wanda maximoff x black!fem!reader

Warnings: none really

Rating: M

Part(s): 1, 2, 3, 4

Wrd Cnt: 2k

Notes: a couple more chapters to go i think. Song is Satellite by Harry Styles.

"Spinning out, waiting for ya to pull me in. I can see you're lonely down there. Don't you know that I am right here?"

It had been 5 weeks since Wanda had started her therapy sessions twice a week. 5 weeks since things had sort of gone back to normal.

Or as normal as you supposed they could get.

She had slept over 4 more times within those 5 weeks. Late night talks with you and the boys, and you not wanting her to drive all the way back to her lonely apartment so late at night.

You had a feeling one of you was keeping her late on purpose but you couldn't figure out if it was you or her.

On multiple occasions, Wanda had looked like she wanted to say something to you. Especially, after that first therapy appointment, but she never did. And you sure as hell weren't going to ask.

There were times where the two of you would get into arguments over trivial things. You couldn't really help it. Her sudden change had triggered a corresponding change of some sort in you.

Resentment? Jealousy? Fear? You weren't really sure.

You tried to hide the not so good days from the boys, but they were the children of a spy and a witch. They were intuitive as all hell. And sneaky to boot.

You could only hope they weren't internalizing whatever they heard. They would never tell you after it was over.

You could only hope.

Wanda sat down on the all too familiar couch. She finally felt different. She felt okay. Not like she was going to slip underneath the metaphorical waves at any second.

She didn't feel the need to be powerful or all-knowing or perpetually ready for anything and everything. She felt like she could relax. Like she could share her burden. Like there wasn't much of a burden in the first place.

"I think I'm ready to tell her."

Dr. Raynor hummed in interest, "Tell who what?"

By now Wanda knew she should have seen that coming, "I'm ready to tell Y/N why I cheated on her and why I was so scared."

The therapist nodded, "Good. Do you know why you're ready?"

Wanda paused, she did know why. She just wasn't aware of the best way to say it.

"I'm ready because I know she won't see me as weak when I tell her, because I'm not weak. And even if I was that would be okay. I'm not telling her because I want her back. I'm telling her because I love her and she deserves to know. Because she's my life partner and we're in this together." She's sort of surprised herself with getting all of that out as eloquently as she did.

Dr. Raynor looked surprised to. Wanda wondered if she should have taken offense to that.

"That's wonderful, Wanda. And you're absolutely right, even if she doesn't want to get back together you're still a team when it comes to your kids. She deserves to know exactly what you're feeling or what you felt."

Wanda's eyes watered without her permission, "I'm not just doing all of this for her sake, I promise, but God, the thought of her not being by my side for the rest of our lives kills me."

"I understand. But you knew coming into this that it's a very real possibility. To be quite frank, when you started these sessions I don't even think you actually thought it was an option." Dr. Raynor placed a comforting hand on Wanda's knee.

"I didn't. I still don't know if I do. But, I'm going to try anyway. My body won't let me not." Wanda wiped at her eyes harshly. Slightly embarrassed even though she pretty much sob Dr. Raynor out of house and home every other session.

Dr. Raynor eyed Wanda with an apathetic smile, "You really love her, don't you?"

"With everything in me. I love everything about her. Her passion. Her strength. She's such an amazing mother. She's so good with the kids and I have no idea why that's so hot. Speaking of hot, she's so beautiful. And fuck. The kids...Alexis looks just like her. I'm going to have to beat them off of her with a stick when she's older... I've put that woman through so much. I respect her so much. She's amazing. I'm going to have to beg on my knees, aren't I?" It was a rhetorical question but Dr. Raynor answered anyway.

"Make sure you kneel on gravel so she knows you mean it!"

Wanda didn't know if that was a joke or not, "We still argue like an old married couple, but I'm taking it as a good sign. Thank you, Dr. Raynor. For everything."

Dr. Raynor smiled, "You're welcome, Wanda. Though, you did most of the work. I was just here to look at you funny. Congratulations on graduating to semi-monthly sessions."

"Thank you." Wanda stood and gathered her things.

"Oh, and Wanda?"

"Yes?"

"Don't ask Bucky about it, but I do couple's therapy too."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Guess who graduated therapy?!" Wanda exclaimed excitedly into her phone.

Pietro hummed in faux thought, "Sam?"

"No, brother. I did! Well, I didn't really graduate. I just don't need to go as often. I'm very well adjusted now."

"How'd you manage that? I thought you would be labeled insane and we would get you those cool grippy socks." Pietro said laughing to himself.

"Thank you, for the vote of confidence, Piet." Wanda deadpanned.

"Ahh, you're welcome, Utenok! Do you want to come over and play-"

There was a beeping coming from the phone indicating another call.

"-hold on, Piet. Y/N's calling."

"Fine. The ex-wife is more important I see how it is."

Wanda rolled her eyes at her brother's dramatics. She switched over to the other call quickly, "Hey, Y/N! I was just on my way to talk to you actual-"

"Wanda. I-the boys-I can't find them. They left a note and fuck I don't know where they went and you know Tommy...they could be so far by now-"

"Y/N. It's okay, I'm five minutes away. I'll be there in two." Wanda hurried to her car, throwing the door open and starting the ignition with her free hand.

"I don't-ugh I knew they heard us-this is all my fault I...they had been quiet too long-"

"Y/N. It's okay. It not your fault. They're 11 year old boys. They haven't quite figured out nuance yet."

You took a deep, shaky breath. Trying your best to calm down, "Yeah...okay."

"Is Alexis alright?"

You nodded like Wanda could see you, "Yes-she's in her crib sleeping."

"Okay, good. I'm pulling up now."

Wanda had a feeling you nodded again.

She connected back to Pietro, surprised to see he was still on the other line, "Pietro, the boys are missing-I guess they got upset and ran away. She think's it's her fault-"

"I'm already looking for them, Wanda. We'll find them."

"Thank you, Piet."

She hung her phone then hurried into her former house.

You were pacing a whole in the ground with your phone to your ear, "Yes, they're like 4'9. Blonde. Tommy should have been wearing a red shirt, and Billy's shirt is blue. They're both in dark jeans and their black converse are gone....Yes...Okay...Thank you."

You ended the call and threw your phone onto the couch. You wanted to pull your hair out.

"Nat and Monica are looking. Just got off the phone with the police department, they said they'll search but I kind of don't believe them. I'd go look myself but what if they get scared and come back and no one is here for them to come back to." Your breathing quickened suddenly.

Wanda's eyes widened, "Hey, Y/N. Breathe. We'll find them. They couldn't have gotten far. Tommy gets tired after like 30 feet. Pietro will be able to get anywhere he does quicker."

You shook your head, still fighting off a panic attack. You handed Wanda the note you found in their room when you went to collect them for their dinner.

Dear Mom and Mama,

We know you've been fighting because of us. We know this because you only fight when you think we can't hear you. We think it would be in everyone's best intrest if we left. So, you can be happy together again. Alexis won't even remember us, probably so she'll be fine.

P.S. dont look for us because we hid very well

P.P.S. we even took some snacks so you don't have to worry about us not having dinner!

"I'm a horrible mother. I'm terrible. I let my kids think I'd be better off without. Fuck." You're breathing quickened again.

Wanda grabbed your shoulders, "Y/N. Look at me. You're not a bad mother. The boys are just confused. They don't know what they're talking about."

Your eyes welled up with tears, "Wanda. They left. They-they left."

Wanda pulled you into a hug, not knowing what else to do. You sobbed into her shoulder, her hand trying to soothe you by rubbing your back. But, it seemed a damn had broken from months of pent up anguish and you couldn't stop.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Y/N. If anything this is my fault."

You shook your head, and sniffled, "No. It's not. You've been doing everything you're supposed to. I just really like arguing with you sometimes. You're hot when you're mad."

Wanda chuckled, "I knew something was up."

You pulled away from her. Embarrassed in more ways than one, "Sorry, I snotted all over your jacket. I-fuck-I just feel so helpless."

"I know the feeling."

A sudden gust of wind blew your curtains askew. Pietro knew how much you hated that, but you supposed he had a good excuse this time.

Pietro stood in the doorway, empty handed, "I looked everywhere I could think they might be."

A few minutes later, Natasha and Monica arrived with the same news.

You bit your lip harshly before looking at Wanda intently, "Wanda?"

"Yes?"

"You're going to hate this but you need to use your powers."

Wanda immediately started shaking her head in protest, "I said I wouldn't. I don't even know how I'd go about that. Maybe they left something in their room-"

"Wanda. Please."

Wanda took a deep breath, "Okay."

She hadn't use them in so long, she sure hoped it was like riding a bike.

She also wasn't quite sure how to use them to find the boys. If she had, she wouldn't have been in this whole mess in the first place.

Though, like everything, the first step was to relax. And she couldn't do that with everyone staring her down so intensely.

"Could you guys turn away, I'm getting stage fright."

"Really?" You said dryly.

"Well, you can look all you want."

"Wanda. Find my damn kids."

Wanda took a deep breath and let whatever power was in her creep to the surface. She wasn't sure how she did it, maybe it was the fact that you were staring at her so intensely she felt like she was going to burst into flames if she didn't find them, but she opened her eyes. The red wisps slowly fading away, and she looked at you with a confused frown.

"They're at my apartment?"

Pietro's brows furrowed, "How did we miss that?"

He looked like was about to run off to collect them, but Wanda placed a hand on his arm, stopping him.

"It's probably better that we go."

"Oh. Do you want me to take you?"

You shook your head, "Hell no. I threw up the last time. We'll take a car. Like a normal person."

"Nothing's normal about a single person in this room, but okay. We'll stay here and watch the little one."

"Thank you. Monica is in charge."

Natasha and Pietro shouted in protest, but you and Wanda were already half way to the car.

"What do we say to them?" You asked hesitantly.

"That we're sorry we made them feel that way. And that we loved them?"

You looked at the side of Wanda's face with a new found light, "When did you get so insightful?"

Wanda shrugged, "Therapy changes you."

You bit your lip to stifle your laugh, "Not too much I hope."

"Not too much."

When you arrived at Wanda's apartment, it took you a few minutes to realize you had never been inside of it.

It felt odd and surreal at the same time. Like you were somewhere you weren't supposed to be. Invading her space.

It was...cozy?

You didn't really know what to think of it. The place seemed nice enough, but you're house was nicer. Your house was a home. This wasn't.

"The boys are in their room." Wanda lead you to said room where sure enough, the twins were sitting on the ground. Playing with some leftover Legos.

You cleared your throat. They jumped.

"Oh! Hi mom. Mama. You weren't supposed to find us." Billy said.

"I live here." Wanda pointed out.

"We know. But we figured once we were gone you could just sleep back home."

Wanda shook her head, "That's not how that works. I'd never be able to sleep knowing you weren't home safe."

Tommy and Billy frowned, toeing at the ground, "We thought you'd stop fighting if we weren't around."

"Boys, we love you. We don't fight because of you. We fight for stupid grownup reasons that we need to sort through on our own. We're so sorry we made you feel like it was your fault. Is that understood?" You asked.

They both nodded. You pulled them into a hug. Finally relaxing.

"And if you ever feel even something remotely close to this ever again, please talk to us instead of running away. You almost gave your mom a heart attack." Wanda chastised.

"Does this mean you're getting back together because you worked together to find us?" Tommy asked excitedly.

"Huh?" You blinked in astonishment.

Wanda blushed a bright red, "Uh...that's enough excitement for today. Don't you think, Boys? Let's get you back home to your sister!"

The car ride back was quiet. If only because Wanda was still blushing and the twins were knocked out from their evening of adventure.

After dismissing your friends, sending Pietro to the guestroom, and putting the boys to bed you let out a long festering sigh, "Fuck. I could use a drink. You want one?"

Wanda shook her head in negative, "Gotta drive back soon."

"Oh. I just sort of assumed you'd stay the night. I'm sorry for assuming. I-um- you're welcome to stay if you want." You shrugged in an attempt to feign indifference.

"I-sure-Pietro's a blanket hog but I'll deal."

You nodded, "Or you can sleep with me."

Wanda's eyes widened.

"I mean not like that! You can sleep in the same bed as me! I-um-I don't hog the blankets or anything." Your heart was practically beating out of your chest.

"Yes, you do. But, are you sure? I've shared a bed with Pietro millions of times. I shared a womb with him actually. He hogged that too by the way."

"Yes. I'm sure. I'm still on edge and I need the comfort. It's embarrassing but you still calm me down." You were now avoiding eye contact at all costs.

Wanda didn't bother to hide her smile, "Nothing, to be embarrassed about. You do the same for me."

"Good. I mean...cool." Wanda followed you to your room. Drink long forgotten.

"You can stay on that side, I guess. And I'll stay over here."

"Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Calm down. It doesn't have to mean anything." Wanda began to get ready for bed.

You followed suit, sort of made that you were the one fumbling and it wasn't her, "Yeah. You're right."

You both got into the King's sized bed. Making it easy to keep your distance.

"Goodnight, Blondie."

"Goodnight, Y/N."

"..."

"..."

"Wanda?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

[bunnylafee]

This week's adventures

Girlfriend stayed the night Thursday which was nice, we lounged in bed most of the day Friday but she wasn't feeling well and was progressively getting worse feeling. So she couldn't go to work which is understandable. She later tested positive for covid so that is that.

Saturday I laid in bed crying having a fit. I didn't mean to, it's just everything bubbled up and the stress had gotten to be too much and the tears got the best of me. Hubbs found me in my pile of mess and tried his best but it just wasn't what I needed? I have no idea what I needed. I talked to him but I do this thing where I don't tell anyone the whole thing just part of it. Like a tiny fart instead of a loud, blasting, disgusting fart.

I was mentally exhausted Saturday before I even got to work, I then had to work the entire shift while being nice to people.. who were pressing my nerves. While at work that is when I found out girlfriend had tested positive for covid, so my ass disassociated to a point and compartmentalize to get through the rest of the day. Then Sunday comes around and I had to do it all again.

Hubbs has really been testing my nerves this week. Nothing I can really do about it unless I put boundaries up but if you know me.. I have major issues with that. I want to don't get me wrong.. just I know I'll fold. I'm going to discuss it in therapy this week.

I also have this great friend who has my back. Both her and girlfriend are aware of the situation and they are helping me figure out boundaries and just being there for me. It's like they actually care about me. I've never had anyone other than hubbs do that. I've definitely never had any females be there for me like that. It's an odd feeling. Logically I know I can count on them to be there and have my back, talk to and comfort me if need be but illogical side of my brain just keeps telling me how it's just all going to fall apart and they are secretly setting me up. How this is just all false hope and they will pull the rug out from underneath me any moment or worse, I'll fuck it up somehow.

How girlfriend will just ghost me and my friend will also disappear from my life. How I'll be left heartbroken not from one but two relationships and I know I could recover from the friendship eventually, I would likely never fully recover from the girlfriend one. Like eventually I would maybe move on, casually date people but it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be the same. I would be a shell of a person of what I once was. Then again same with the friendship in a way. I wouldn't ever truly trust anyone.

I got a chance to talk to wifey today. It had been too long since we last chatted. We did a quick text catching up on our lives and I was as always vauge to a point.

I'm recognizing that I have serious issues with letting people in. My therapist has said something about it in one of the first few sessions we had, girlfriend has repeatedly said something about it, friend has also alluded to it and hubbs just straight up goes, no shit.

I also recognize that I have an issue where I don't have any recent pictures of girlfriend and I together where she's awake.. haha oops. I only have one picture of us together from last summer and I don't think I look very nice in it.. sad frowny face.

Ok, that's it for tonight. I really should try to sleep and recover from this mentally exhausting week of bullshit I've been through. Hopefully it comes within a reasonable time frame.

[impulsemuppet]

My birthday is coming up and ever since I was kid I’ve gotten a severe case of birthdays depression (I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12 btw). Now I know it’s technically not a real diagnosis, but my therapist always tried to figure out why but it was never very clear.

I think I figured out why today. It’s not childhood trauma, fear of getting older, maybe a little bit that I feel unaccomplished but still no…

I think the reason is cause I feel like I should have more control over what I get and what I do on that day. I always try to make my family’s and my friends’ bdays to be the best, but I never feel I get the same back. Not so much my friends anymore, although I don’t really get to spend time with my irl friends much anymore.

My family tho… it’s never where I want to eat, it’s always you have to be mindful that the kids have food they like, my mom is a picky eater so she had to like it, it has to be convenient for everyone. Like last year, they planned a trip to another city without even asking me if I wanted to go.

It’s also the presents. I’ve always been called too childish for my age (fun considering that when I was a child, I was too mature for my age) so when they ask me what I want for my birthday it can’t be anything silly or fun I want, no that’s childish. It has to be clothes, something that helps me with work, something for my room or my apartment. It can’t be the giant monkey plushie I wanted since I was like 5 but I’ve always felt was too much of a splurge to justify.

And it’s like petty, I know. I should be happy I get anything a all, but I can’t help to think that that’s reason why I get like this when my birthday approaches. I’m not even gonna get into how it was with some people I’m no longer friends (like one time most of them didn’t show up and they had the lamest excuse as to why).

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, I'm really discouraged with therapy. Over the last 2 years I've really wanted to start therapy/ figure myself out and look into diagnosis for certain suspected neuro-divergenceys. At the start I could afford therapy and didn't have a working car to even get there, so I tried talking to my doctors office and I was really given a run around and no one would really explain to me what I had to do/ how to reach the criteria to get an certain referrals. I just kept talking to people that would tell me one thing and then a completely different thing and when I'd ask for a step by step they'd tell me its not their responsibility to know. And it really felt like they just didn't want to help/cared enough to just explain it to me. I got really disappointed and then stuff in my life got really hectic and the idea of therapy and stuff took a back burner and it just seemed like with the stress of everything I mentally just got worse. A few months ago I was finally in a place where I could afford in person therapy ( I can't deal with tech therapy, I can't focus so it has to be in person sadly) with my insurance finally giving me a referral and a list of therapists to contact. And I tried, I emailed and called every single one, every one of them completely ignored me but one and when I tried to set up an appointment with that one she never responded to me again. I tried multiple times to get into contact with any of them but no luck. And now its been like 3 months since I got approved from my insurance and I now don't have the time to try again and I'm afraid my insurance will revok the approval and not want to pay since I wasn't able to take advantage of it and I won't be for quite some time. Do you have any advice on how I should proceed? I'm so overwhelmed and I can't really tell most of the people around me what's up because they're all dealing with health or mental issues and I've been stuck playing therapist with a lot of them ( I really do care about them all and want to help but I'm a very low empathetic person and so I'm better with the rational side of solving problems not the comforting side) it's all really draining me, I hate being someone's go to person when they're in a bad place, and I know that's such a selfish messed up thing to say but it just makes my skin crawl and I just want to tear myself apart. I hate that I know their in a bad place but the continued telling me of all the self destructive behaviors they all have and the now lack of trying to change it is (and I don't know how to put this in nicer terms) annoying me. I'm not a therapist, I can only tell someone so many times that what they're doing is harmful and if they don't care because they want to hurt them I don't know how I can help?? I try, I really do and I know I'll keep trying to be there for them cause I know for a lot of them I'm the only person they can tell everything too. And I know it's what they need and that's okay but I'm so damn frayed and I have my own shit that I'm trying to navigate in addition to all the add ons, I get that I'm not as bad off as them. I don't have the copious amounts of trauma and I'm not directly suicidal and I don't want to actively hurt myself and I'm not hurting as much as them and I've been very lucky in life but I just want to be my version of okay. I want help, I want to not dread every day, to wake up tired and out of energy, I want to be okay... I get that, don't I?

Hey there,

I am so sorry that when you were able to and had access to receiving help and support for yourself that things didn’t go well at all in regards to therapists not getting back or replying to you. Unfortunately, sometimes therapists are really overworked and can get side tracked a lot or have their books full that they may not remember or have the capacity to take on another client. I am not in any way condoning the response or lack of from the therapists that you did contact as at the very least they should have said if they could take you on as a client or not, but sometimes you do have to be a bit pushy and keep contacting them until they do reply. You don’t have to do this in a malicious way, but by continuously contacting them and simply saying something like “Hi, I got in contact with you ‘x amount of time ago’ but I have yet to hear back from you. I was wondering if you could please contact me and let me know if you could take me on as a client or at the very least point me in the direction on someone who may be able to help me”. I do acknowledge that your insurance can only cover you to see particular therapists, but maybe if you could let them know that you haven’t had any luck with any of the names they gave you, then if it could be possible for you to see ‘x’ instead, and give them this person’s details. It may be a long shot but you never know if you will be given the green light to see someone else unless you ask and especially if you do not hear back from the list of therapists that they gave you details of.   

It can definitely be so draining when we are supporting others when we are needing that help and support for ourselves. This is not a selfish thought to have or feel either, everyone deserves to be heard and have someone be there for them, but at the same time it’s more than OK to let your friends know that you are unable to be there for them as you need to put yourself first and look after you! Let them know (if you can) of other supports that they may be able to access like therapy if they are not yet receiving any, or letting them know they can always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling. Let them know they can also reach out to us if necessary and that even though you are not able to support them as much as you would like to personally, you have given them some ideas on where else they may be able to get such help/ support. It’s also really important that you know that you can only do so much for others, but in the end, it is up to them to put plans into action and that although they may have support from others or those around them, only they can make the changes to help themselves in the end when they feel ready to do so.  

You mentioned as well that you just want to be your version of OK and you were specific in ways that may help to show this. But can you think about how you may be able to achieve each one (no matter how silly or out of reach the steps may be) it may be really helpful and also to help fast track your recovery when you finally are able to get into therapy as you can then be really focused on what you are needing/ your aim in therapy and how the therapist you see may be able to help you to accomplish each one. You may even find that you can work towards some of the ways to be your version of OK yourself. Just something to think about!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you, hope that you are going well and that things start improving for you really soon!

Take care,

Lauren

[findusinaweek]

Everyone should have a therapist who is a nerd.

My therapist has told me "If you can't love yourself in this state right now try to find a fanfic with a character you love who is experiencing a similar state". She has made me read fanfics as homework multiple times. Once because I was spending hours daily beating myself up for being a failure she told me to find a fanfic where a character messes up and isn't mean or down in themselves but just let's it go and tries to do better. I have not quite found one of those yet (Steve Harrington from Stranger Things is the closest but only if he also has therapy and recognizes/accepts he is kind of an idiot).

I also wrote myself a little fanfic with Amanda from Dream Daddy because I needed comfort and my dad sucks but Dadsona is a wonderful father so that kind of fulfilled a need.

I'm working on the whole healing and not hating your inner child and really struggling with it. I know they/he/she (I think of different ages of myself as different genders and I don't want to explain that here) exists in me and I know I mentally cut them off from me. And I've learned that if I can't be nice to myself I can be nice to other characters. Right now I'm stuck on Deimos (AC Odyssey). Deimos also experiences being in a cult as a child and trauma and neglect and a shattered self image. Deimos becomes a monster of a person, one that I think many people in such horrible circumstances could allow themselves to be. So I'm drafting out a minicomic (who knows if I'll make it but its the planning that counts ) where Deimos listens to their inner child. If you can't trust yourself now maybe you can trust the child from when all those hard bits became your truth.

Was in the middle of a crisis where I didn't feel...right. Safe? I can't really explain the details. I know what I have to do to get myself into a better situation but I've been unwillingness to do it. It doesn't feel acceptable or possible. My therapist had the gall to tell me that it's what Brasidas (AC Odyssey/RL historical figure) would want. Uhm excuse me? You don't know what famed deceased Ancient Man and love of my life would want for me? But would the Brasidas I've built in my mind from Assassins' Creed Odyssey and history books and fanfics and so on and so forth want me to live in a constant state of distraught? No. I think it's Plutarch who mentions a story where he gets bit by a mouse and says "there is nothing so little but it may preserve itself" and uh that sustains me sometimes. I think he would expect me to do everything in my power to make my life a safe and free experience.

Also I've talked at length about video games with my therapist and how although they are not always the best coping mechanism they can help fulfill a need. I really like survival games like The Long Dark, where there is nothing supernatural, just the cold and nature to fight against. It allows me to narrow down my brain to the thought of water, food, comfort, safety and sometimes that's helpful in a bout of anxiety. It helps me remember that bigger things will pass. I just need to keep myself fed and watered and safe from the cold. The developers also say not to use it as a survival manual but I have cold urticaria and also I'm forgetful so in the winter sometimes I ask myself if my outfit would keep Mackenzie warm enough and that's how I decide how safe I will be. Self care for Mackenzie is self care for me.

Also Just being told by another adult that it's ok to just allow yourself to enjoy things? Even if they seem silly or childish? It's nice.

She understood what I was talking about when I described how the portrayal of mental health in The Magicians helped me (especially Quentin) and validated my feelings.

It's lovely to not have to censor or change your daily way of speaking when in therapy. If the person understands your slang/what you are talking about when you describe your day to day life it's just very nice.

[northwoodsenid]

I just need to word vomit

So, it has been a while since I have used tumblr as a journal but I am just processing some stuff right now.

For a tiny bit of back story, my eldests dad vanished from his life but I have stayed close to his family. His mom kind of took the mother role figure for me since I haven’t had any relationship with my mom in 15 years.

But ever since I moved back to Utah our relationship has been.. weird. I realized I have changed a lot since I live d in Utah and part of that change is being more assertive and setting boundaries. It got to the point where I could tell she was scared to ask me stuff and instead would go to my husband to ask him (stuff I already had no too for example) this was causing some triangulation so I told her to stop this and she went on the attack and told me I have been so emotional lately I am hard to handle.

This was shocking to me because besides like.. capitalism and money issues.. emotionally I have been the best I have ever been. What she was referring to was me struggling with essentially being homeless for a year (staying with a family friend) and not being able to afford the cost of living in Utah but being terrifed to start over in a new state with the risk of the same thing happening again.

Maybe I had vented to her too much about this, maybe I should have got a therapist in this area sooner for that outlet but yet I felt I was justified in being stressed and really didn’t unload on her much at all and mainly utilized dbt skills to regulate myself and if needed reached out for support.

Anyways, things were iffy and we tried to mend things. She refused to apologize or take accountably and I did not think my boundaries were out of line. Fast forward to Halloween time we are at a pumpkin patch with the kids and she drops on us the family friend is moving and what are our plans to move out.

I listed off everything I had been looking into (I have experience in this due to work) but we made a bit too much to qualify. It was like she didn’t beleive me and kept directing all the questions to my husband. I finally was like, “you can’t just drop out of my life because I am too emotional about my situation and then when you come back don’t believe me when I telling you what I am doing.” She told me she had never said any of that and I stormed off.

I felt hurt and just.. frustrated she refused to take accountability and instead tried to tell me she never said what she said. I have my faults and I own up when I fuck up and need to mend things and apologize but situations with her kept arising where it felt as if she was so used to me being the emotionally fucked up one that she just was twiddling her thumbs waiting for me to apologize. In our relationship she has always made me feel like the bad guy and I am at the point in my healing journey where I don’t feel the need to apologize for something that isn’t my fault.

After this, she called my husbands parents and told them we were emotionally fucked up and offered to drive to our place with them to see if we need to get serious help. Which, once again this is so over the line. And such a breach of trust and everything?? And when I said hey that was over the line what in the hell she said she hears us that we don’t want her support. No accountability. No apology and she probably never will.

I am just hurt, and also it is making me spiral a bit because what in the hell is wrong with me that every parental figure in my life treats me like this. I keep doing the work and digging into all my faults but I still don’t see reason for how people view me. I don’t know if the signs had been there and I was so desperate for a mother figure I ignored them, or I don’t know if she is dealing with her own shit and has always been able to control and steam roll me.

I have been processing this a lot in therapy, and I know it is just going to stay like it is because she won’t acknowledge she overstepped.

Anyways, I just needed to let some of this out. The grief comes and goes in waves. And then I hear more details of some of the stuff she was saying about me to my husbands parents and I just think… she hates me. And I wonder how long she has hated me but was too scared to talk to me.

[pinkopalina]

Hello I didn't get to say this the other time but you just reminded me!!! That therapist sounds so bad like genuinely how did they even end up a therapist? I hope you find someone who can help you:<

i will give her the benefit of the doubt and say maybe she was just trying to apply a lot of realistic out in the community perspectives, and I tried to meet her in the middle with that.

I told her maybe I'm not so unstable that I'm actively hurting myself or others, it's cool that I'm able to keep a full time job and I do have a stable relationship, so that's great, but I told her I have an extremely difficult time regulating my emotions.

asking me "how are you" can be triggering for me, is how unstable my EMOTIONS are, even if my life seems stable. the only reason it's stable is because I bottle everything up and then lash out and/ut I've pushed a lot of people away (unfortunately as a consequence. hey if it keeps people happy I guess ... I'd rather they not be with me), and I don't want to do either of those anymore.

I told her I was trying to figure out where I was with my mental health bc idk what's normal, idk how unstable I should feel, how much something should stress me out all I know is that I'm not doing it right at the moment

I only did two sessions but each time I ended up crying and venting a LOT. because I hadn't gone to therapy in a couple of years and I've lost friends in that time and blah blah blah depressing shit.

the second session, she didn't really comfort me or have any therapeutic advice, just watched as I had a break down, asked me if I had done ketamine (because I was talking about how WATCHING THE CARTOON PRIMAL CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE. APPARENTLY THIS IS EQUIVALENT TO DOING DRUGS.), told me these sessions seem to bring up a lot for me, and then asked me if doing 30 minutes was okay instead of the 50 she usually allots her patients. I told her it was okay, but I IMMEDIATELY felt huge red flags, I wish I had told her I didn't think that was a smart idea, it immediately triggered my abandonment issues (she didn't even try to help me get through the breakdown I was having. she helped me do box breathing so I could stop sobbing but then she cut me off in the fucking middle of the conversation and indicated to me that NEITHER of us currently have the skills to be in therapy with each other).

I'm not fucking paying you to listen to me EVEN less, and talk to me less, because you can't handle my emotions. that's the fucking solar opposite (lol) of why I'm even here

so I'm not going to be looking for another fucking talk therapist right now, even when they claim they've been around other people with mental issues.

I decided that when I have the time and money I'm going to seek an actual psychiatrist who can be dedicated to diagnosing and medicating me properly instead of being triggered that I'm triggered and taking all my money but doing half the fucking work

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

13.06.24

Things have gone from bad to even worse the past few weeks. I've been met with barrier after barrier and now I'm at a complete loss. If I moved to Herts (the area I want to go to as I'd be able to continue work and be much closer to family and my best friend) I would have to transfer ED services. The one team who have stuck by me and genuinely want to see me in a far better place.

If I went back Kent, I'd be able to work with them, but I'd lose my job and be much further away from friends and family. It's a horrendous decision as ofc I love being near to my family and best friend, especially with my dad getting older, I want to be there for him as much as I can. Plus, my job has massively helped me the past few months and it could be a great stepping stone.

The dietitian/ service manager is cold towards me. All she cares about is when I'll leave. She has said that as a service they can't help me and has asked why I'm struggling with restricting... is it not obvious?! I'm in a situation I have no control over, I'm being kicked out of the one place I thought could help and I have no idea where I'll go to next. Oh and I have an eating disorder?!

I also had my CPA yesterday. My home team asked what support I was getting as I should be having more. I was asked how my session with the service manger went so I was honest and explained that she had said if I didn't get on with my key worker due to not being able to support me then that was up to me. I felt confused and frustrated. Surely if you get on well with someone else, who is able to support you in a way that actually benefits you then it would make sense for you to work with them?!

I was asked why I didn't have a key worker which I tried to explain, saying it was difficult to build a rapport when they have to read questions off a piece of paper that another support worker wrote for them, before saying "I'll be a mother figure to you"... That was when the housing manager snapped at me saying how I wouldn't work with anyone else and had a block towards all of them apart from one. By all he meant two and the above was one of them. To top it off he then turned to me and said that he hadn't said it to me before but found me difficult to work with. That stung.

When I first arrived, I wouldn't be in the same room as him. Within a few months, I was able to not only manage being in a room with him alone, but I really opened up to him too. If he had felt that way, he should have told me and I wouldn't have wasted his time. I knew being kicked out was never going to be easy but for it to become toxic was not something I was prepared for.

I was quite upset and spoke to one of the support workers I get on well with. She thinks the whole thing is horrendous and doesn't agree with any of what has been done or said. She actually got quite upset. She's asked me to help her find a way to become a therapist to work with people with EDs as she's aiming to leave by the end of the year. I don't blame her. The way she gets treated by some of the other staff is horrible. If it wasn't for her constant support I don't know how I would have got through the past few months and I'll forever be grateful.

In terms of actually finding somewhere, I'm very much still in the dark. My social worker has done my care plan which will be put to panel and then the tenures. He did mention the Shared Lives Scheme but I don't think that's for me. I'd rather have my own flat with support (although even I know I'm not ready for that).

My care co was kind and said that I have put such a brave face on throughout all the uncertainty. I'm seeing her in person next Tuesday as I'm going to drive to Kent to meet her. I'm hoping that just maybe we will even have a placement to view.

At this point, I'm done with being at the ED residential unit and am desperately trying not to give up completely.

[warpspeedgirl]

Yeah I’m still really hurt about her thinking I wouldn’t genuinely try to understand something she was saying and realizing that she’s never going to apologize for anything after I gave her several opportunities to do so. Derek was right, reaching out to her about it would only upset me more, I’m still so hurt. Like wow my best friend really thought that of me? Over this??? I think she doesn’t really process her own emotions so how can I expect her to respect/understand mine? Or even TRY to. I regret ever reaching out to her. It reminded me that I stopped talking to her for a reason. I realized why should I still be so hurt carrying around this narrative that wow my bestfriend really thought I wasn’t genuinely trying to understand her when SHE was the one not genuinely understanding or respect! my boundary and perspective leading to the entire blow out? I was brutallt honest and vulnerable with her about why I needed the break and space and how it was so overwhelming And hurtful and that talking to her in the past doesn’t go well because she gets defensive and it’s almost like it’s because she feels threatened and that’s where the defensiveness comes from? Like when she always used to say “I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings” instead of just apologizing. It’s so similar to the “you can say the same thing to me, you hurt my feelings all the time too, nothing I say is personal” I told her I understood her sense of urgency and her impatience with me (I really didn’t need to try to understand that) but that no matter what it was, I said no I can’t help figure out who the contact next about the situation in your room today, and she told me the next time I say no she’ll understand better, which is freaking ridiculous we were WAY to old for that. I was patient with her digs and passive aggressive comments over text for a while and kind of ignored them and kept saying that’s good I hope it’s not rodents until I finally stood up for myself when she went back to “it was just one thing Adisa” fuck off. I said no I can’t today I’m stressed out and busy with plans I made with my guest HOURS ago. Maybe if I’m stressed I CANT give what you’re saying any attention, there was no empathy or understanding for that and at first I thought it was her just being very inconsiderate and selfish but now I’m starting to think it might party be because she doesn’t let herself feel things so I can’t expect her to feel any empathy for me. That’s why it’s funny that she asked me to “really see her side of it because she’s seeing mine” lol no she wasn’t! I told her I understood her sense of urgency/impatience with me and thag to her she “just wanted one thing” that took A LOT. I said no I don’t need to understand further, doesn’t matter if it was one thing or ten, but I still tried and it’s never going to be enough for her because I didn’t do what she thought I should’ve. The things my therapist said after we went through all the messages and history I have with her make a lot of sense to me and I’m glad I pushed through the emotional pain and broke it down over these months. Her accusing me of not genuinely trying to understand is HER feelings and it’s not based on any merit during the conversation we had. Look at all the other crazy rude things she said to me. She couldn’t even see the part she played in the “back and forth” that day. I still randomly think about advice she’s given me over the years and I think I need to take her one advice of not taking anything she says personally, especially things she said during an insanely selfish fit. And honestly why would I want to talk to you after ALL of that, mixed with your behavior months before, and you accusing me of not genuinely trying and speaking for you. If you already think that and can’t see your part in it how would talking go anywhere if you don’t even think I was trying? Ive tried that with you. I think part of it is that you can be VERY harsh and impulsive with people without realizing it/thinking about what words are coming out of your mouth. Goes back to that impatient/erratic thing.

But this is the same person that says and does a LOT of rude shit without realizing it? Or not caring I’m not sure. But it kind of reminds me of situations like with those girls back in highschool or with that girl that ended up blocking her or when she was being SO rude right after we moved in, she seems oblivious to why people were so hurt and angry by her actions. I don’t think it’s malicious. I think she just genuinely doesn’t get it. And I think part of that might be that we were raised so differently. I grew up with parents who apologized/siblings where we talk things out. That incident in September where she thought it was like a sibling fight that we were just gonna brush past, I was NOT raised like that and it’s not my personality. You hurt me and I wanted to hash it out. Me saying I was hurt scared you. Maybe that’s part of what you meant when you told me not take anything you say personally. Maybe on some level you KNOW you say rude and hurtful shit sometimes. Maybe me saying her accusing me of not genuinely trying to understand her question (ridiculous and among MANY of the things that hurt me but that one was the worst) scared her too and she’s never going to address her role in the ending of our friendship. Her telling me I’m not genuinely even TRYING to understand after she started everything, was so rude, and it was HER not trying to understand “no”, really opened my eyes. You telling me that was another case of you speaking for ME. You can’t tell me what I should do and that you “knew” I could do it, that it would make more sense that I said no if you asked me to drive somewhere 🙄, assuming I’d say yes and badgering me with what you just “needed” when I said no and turn that into me “not genuinely trying to understand” you. You’re speaking for me, and when I have a reaction to you saying very pushy and manipulative comments concerning your case manager (which why would I give a fuck about what your case manager thinks or says after I already said no) , that it’s an issue for the entire apartment, that you can’t understand why I couldn’t do it, that you still called but it was hard because you had school (yeah I understand school is hard on a schedule! I still said no and I was stressed out and overwhelmed too. Your stress wasn’t more important than mine and that is really how your actions translated), and eveeerrything else im “speaking for you” what else am I supposed to think??. You said even if it was “just one thing” you wanted me to do by seeing who to contact for you, I still said no and I couldn’t do it and I don’t have to do it even if I had nothing going on. A lot of things are a deflection and so defensive with you just like that argument in September and the horrible things you said to me during and after that just like me saying that pointing at strangers in public rude and your “it was just a baby and a dog”. It was like that moment where you see a character having flashbacks of all the similar moments that have lead to that moment. This is just who you are and you rarely apologize. We’re not friends anymore because one thing happened. We’re not friends anymore because of several things that happened over the course of months/years and me realizing that I can’t be around that behavior anymore because it hurts me repeatedly and there’s no resolution. I can accept you have different opinions than I do, always have. I told you I understand to you it’s one thing, to me it’s out of the way, not my business, and I’m busy. You couldn’t accept it and had a meltdown. Why is what you were doing that day more important than what I was doing? We were both busy and couldn’t do it. It was your issue, and you had to figure out how to handle it, which you did.

Can you empathize with why I felt like you weren’t genuinely trying to understand me saying no? Can you emphasize with how demeaning and out of touch it comes across for you to say “understand my side because I’m understanding yours” when you really weren’t or else you wouldn’t have said half of the self righteous things you did and that made me feel like your putting words in MY mouth.

I also felt like she wasn’t genuinely trying to understand my boundary and provoked me, which is what happened. She’ll never see it. She’ll never, at least not now, understand how manipulative some of those tactics she was using were.

I understood what she was asking and don’t NEED to understand in the first place I said no. Handle your shit

Her thinking that is her problem and her tantrum and impatience and her emotion. It doesn’t need to be my story anymore. I told her she wasn’t hearing me, she told me I wasn’t genuinely trying to understand which is bullshit because I could’ve said the exact same thing to her but she can be VERY harsh with people. This I already knew about her for years.

She says so much crazy shit I really can’t take any of it seriously her perspective is selfish and warped. She also thought it was okay to text me about the case manager and tell me over and over it was just one thing and that it was confusing for her and she couldn’t understand bc it was “just one thing” and it would’ve made more sense if she asked me to go drive somewhere and 10+ more crazy things that I couldn’t address because it’s so insane 🙄 like Derek said What you have going on isn’t more or less important than what I have going on. If she wants to think you weren’t genuinely trying to understand that she was asking for who to contract next after all that, let her think that. Her emotions are her own to deal with. He was really wise to say all that to me but I still struggle with taking other people’s opinions too seriously even though I felt like I had more of a right to feel like she wasn’t genuinely trying to understand me saying no! In the first place. None of that should’ve happened if she was reasonable but it did and it blew up because she’s not.

Her saying “I’m not gonna address anything anymore” GREAT there shouldn’t be anything for you to address in the first place??? I said no and you couldn’t handle it. Don’t start rude shit like this over text. The lesson for me was learning when to just let people talk and stop responding/do no engage with overbearing people like that. Thats why I decided to say nevermind I don’t care what she thinks about anything I don’t respect her opinions anymore. It’s exhausting. And I told you I have a lot on my plate and I can’t help with this today, maybe that means I CANT understand the way I normally would hence the no. Although I did understand what you were asking regardless it wasn’t that hard or confusing. You wanted me to go to the leasing office or call them and then tell you what they say. I said no I can’t (and also that’s something you need to do). ANY other day previously I probably would’ve done it. And the other crazy thing is the night before I was there with Derek in the living room laughing/watching Christmas movies and you came home and we asked you if you needed any help! If I have time I have time, if I don’t, I don’t. And even if I do and say no because I don’t feel like it’s my place, that is FINE too. My first instinct after getting all those texts from you was to say no I can’t, but I showered Derek out of hesitation like should I just try to do it and he jokingly said ‘no fuck all that lol we have that appointment and you have a guest she can handle what’s going on in her room’ I just kind of had a mini breakdown/freak out and we went to go talk on the roof lounge.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I wish I didn’t need to show Derek and my therapist and my mom the texts to realize that. I wish I realized that immediately on my own in the first place. But I’m not the same person I was then so. And yeah it’s what my therapist said, even if I was at home not hosting a guest not doing baby appointments and stuff, it would’ve been perfectly fine for me to say “sorry I can’t help you with the sounds in your room”. The sad thing if she just apologized I would’ve been more willing to talk things out. I was hesistant because first of all, she went so far with everything and it was EXTREMELY hurtful, and second of all we have history with her not being able to apologize and just getting defensive, and yeah not genuinely try to understand where I’m coming from because of that defensiveness. It’s funny that she thinks she understands where I was coming from after allllll the stuff she was saying in reaction to me saying, “no”. It almost reminds me of a toddler having a fit “well if you’re not gonna try to understand me then I’m just not gonna explain anymore!!”” Girl if you tried to understood that I said no when I first said no and that you needed to go to the leasing office yourself, NONE of this would’ve happened. The crazy timing of it is that if this happened maybe a day or the week before, I probably would’ve done it or considered it or had more time to help her out with the problem in her room. The other crazy part is that I considered doing it out of hesitation (and that anxiety feeling I get when I’m around her occasionally because her energy can be a lot) when she asked me and sent me all those texts that day thinking she/the situation would BLOW up if I didn’t even though I was pre occupied, and I was right. I needed a freaking break from you after all that. Like in September, yeah I neeD SPACE from you after you tell me my opinion and what I’m saying is irrelevant and pointless to bring up and then when I very calmly try to talk to you about it you say “you can say the same thing to me, nothing I say is personal, I’m not gonna say nothing like you’re telling me to do”. Really??? I’m not telling you not to do anything I said I would never say to you that something you said was irrelevant or pointless to bring up because it’s rude as hell. I also would never accuse you of not genuinely trying to understand something I was saying even though you’ve done that to me SEVERAL TIMES. Saying that shuts down any room for conversation, why the hell would I try to talk things out with you again after you went so far and especially if you told me you think I’m not even trying to genuinely understand. It’s ridiculous and so freaking hurtful over something that could’ve been so simple and nothing. It’s like what Derek said, if she already thinks that and told you allll that other stuff she said over you saying no very respectfully, I don’t know what talking would do besides cause more issues, which that (among other reasons) is why I had to decide to get her out of my life and keep up boundaries with her. I needed peace and calm and to be my silly, self laughing and joking around with my family and my husbands family. I need to focus and ready my body and my mental state. I need therapy and exercise and we’ve had a lot of family come visit from out of state on both of our sides. I need to focus on work and my future and my sweet, sweet baby who is so special and such a miracle and has brought so much love and excitement and just pure joy into our families and friends lives I can’t even believe it. I love that he was conceived during an eclipse and is going to be born during one like how I was! We always said Derek is the sun, I’m the moon, and we have our little eclipse :) It makes me really emotional and just so grateful. I still think everything happens when it’s supposed to and that everything is everything, everyone’s perspective matters, everything EVERYthing is love. There’s nothing more powerful. I’m trying to do my best to keep spreading that and peace just like before.

The way the mouse in the balcony closet issue in April went vs the November incident is so different but they both should’ve have been non issues. It was in a common area, there was ACTUALLY a rodent caught not sounds she’d been hearing in her room for a while, and most importantly she didn’t come at me impatiently, she saw it and let me know about it, we solved it together, and I didn’t happen to be in distress at the time like I was in November. The timing of that is still crazy to me because any other day I probably would’ve been able to help her out. November could’ve also been that simple but she was being an asshole. Yes it is “our” apartment. Freaking Duh.

I said I couldn’t help it didn’t matter what it was, she couldn’t accept that and started a whole saga and when I finally after being very patient with her, erupted she decided she was done. She’s not asking me if I felt like she was genuinely trying to understand, I’m asking her that. Cause it’s trauma for me, why would my best friend say that to me over something so trivial? I didn’t do anything wrong in saying no, but that’s what was the beginning of the end and the start of a major tantrum where some true colors came out and I think that speaks volumes.

I think I give too much of a fuck about what other people think and I’m starting to get out of that thank God. She used to be my bestfriend so I did care what she thought. I’m just tired of being hurt by her and I saw a lot last year that I realized I’m just not going to tolerate and that I don’t have to. My life is better and more calm when she’s not in it. I still miss her a lot and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Her last hurtful words to me echo in my head often. In a lot of ways I think we are just not compatible we’re REALLY different people. I have dreams where we’re hanging out and everything is okay/how it used to be. I didn’t deserve the way you came at me and yeah, I do feel like I’m owed an apology or acknowledgment of that because you were honestly being a jerk at a time where I was very vulnerable and as I told you, stressed out, but I can accept that that might not ever happen. Yeah not understanding eachother is okay and normal, there have been countless times where I felt like you weren’t understanding me, the way you were talking to me in September/November + the zoning out and contestant talking over me, that shit is so hurtful and not okay and I’m not entertaining it anymore from anyone. I hate that I’ve been so sad during a time like this in my life it’s like I’m grieving the loss of the friendship but also so happy about the baby and my family but I also miss you and your family and I’ve had so many family events I wish I could’ve invited you too. Derek has been on the world wide aunty tour and FaceTimes lol. I still care about her and love her. I think if I didn’t I wouldn’t still get so randomly angry or want an apology. I just want to be cordial. I don’t want to wake up and go to sleep thinking about her anymore and her words that hurt me so badly. The anxiety is hell. It. Is. Hell. And I would think about her vicious words everyday at such a precious time in my life before realizing certain things. Neither of us expected moving in to go this way and I’m still processing the pain and it kind of validated my feelings when I showed my therapist and she said yeah most people would be done after something like that but I wanted to see if she’d ever take ownership or apologize because it hurt so bad. Our friendship definitely ended that day and it was already on quite shaky grounds because of previous behavior.

There were a lot of times where I just let things go because she would get defensive and not give a real apology, the “I’m sorry if that hurt you” “I’m sorry if you took it that way” which I knew she wasn’t TRYING to be hurtful and I valued our friendship so I let a lot of things just go. I don’t want to be friends with someone like this anymore and there’s no point in continuing to try to talk things out when there’s a pattern of how things go. Like the way she brought up her case managers opinion on what’s appropriate or not for her to ask me to do is very obviously hurtful and and rude to me but she’ll never see it. Just like how she’ll never see how saying all the things she said to me that day was wildly impatient and rude and manipulative. Most of the time when people are being manipulative it’s not intentional they’re just trying to get their point across but it’s really ugly and it’s not okay. It’s not okay for her to talk to me like that and be so unapologetic about it, again. It wasn’t the first time by far. That’s a BIG, big part of why we’re not friends anymore. The timing is another and I don’t think it was completely random honestly. I had some very very serious life changing and honestly terrifying things to figure out at the same time and it was the hardest time in my life. I really don’t need to waste my time on such hurtful and pointless things AGAIN at too important of a time like this. We were too different, always knew we were, to live together but it was convenient for both us and I never expected for her to be the level of rude she was with me as many times as she was. I think it’s just how she operates with people without realizing it but the lack of social awareness really rubs me the wrong way. The pointing thing was small but her defensive reaction to me first of all apologizing for hurting her first and foremost (something she can’t do for me) and then saying it makes me uncomfortable being around that spoke volumes. The whole conversation was a good example of how fundamentally different we are when it comes to certain just life things + how we respond to eachother feeling hurt/taking accountability.

I’ve come a long way in terms of my mental health and just growing more confident as a person. I want to raise my son to know when to speak and when to say what to say. I want him to be confident and know who he is. I feel like I finally know what I’m about and I know what my intentions are. I just want peace and I love when people tell me they feel that calm energy when they’re around me. I hope my baby feels like that too. I want to read my books and cook and be with Derek and laugh and laugh. I love when our families get together. I love living with Derek and growing our little baby that we love sooo much I can’t even believe it. I write lovely letters to him and take pictures of all the things Derek and I and the families do to get ready for him. I love reading to him. Life is good. It’s really rare and precious.

It wasn’t just miscommunication. I think she can be really sweet and thoughtful at times but also, a straight up asshole at others like here. Like we kept getting into these riffs over things that are nothing! Non issues. And it wasn’t because of me. You go so far over things that just don’t matter. I said no and you didn’t want to hear it from the beginning. I’ll never understand how she doesn’t see how pushy and rude she was being. We don’t have to understand eachother but the RESPECT needs to be there without defensiveness, Jesus I can only take so much. Especially since I already expressed to her that I had a lot on my plate and couldn’t give her my full attention. I told her I can’t help and she really responded “no that’s why I just wanted you to” yeah I got what you wanted me to do. I said no. Who responds to a decline of a request with “no”????? And even THAT I didn’t let phase me cause I was thinking okay her impatience has nothing to do with me.

[disheveledorganization]

intro

contacted a second divorce lawyer today. the first one never responded, so i'm hoping to at least hear back from this one.

i'm putting this post (and if any others i might make) under a cut because i don't want them reblogged and i don't want them saved if i should decided to delete them later on. hopefully that's a thing still.

i want to say that i'm not sure how my marriage got to this point, but i do know. communication breakdown! reaching out for connection and being rejected! lying! drinking! and the icing on that cake: financial infidelity.

my soon to be ex-husband has at minimum $15k in cc debt that i didn't know about, and probably more. like there's a strong possibility that he ran up some ccs (and then paid them off?) without me knowing. and to pile more shit on top of shit, he (his business - an s corp) owes the irs like $300k. i had a full blown panic attack when i found out. and i only found out because the irs sent a certified letter to the house. this has been going on for years and i had no idea. and i can't get a straight answer out of him. first he said the irs thing had been going on for 3 months, then he said 3 years.

we have children, pets, a house, and i haven't worked in more than a decade because i've been homeschooling our kids.

(please, before anyone says anything about homeschooling freaks, i have trans kids with autism, adhd, severe depression, among some minor physical issues that call for regular doctor appts out of town, so. public school would be a dumpster fire.)

i'm currently taking college courses in the hopes of some sort of career. no, idk how i'll homeschool my kids and work. but i'll figure it out. i have the support of my parents and sister. and an extended family who will be there for me. and my friends.

i've told him i want a divorce. he said he's been expecting it for 10 years. blew my mind. he said he wants me to keep homeschooling the kids. that he'll move out of the house. that he'll keep paying bills. but then he hasn't really talked to me about it since then. i'm hoping for a collaborative divorce where we work through it while keeping the kids our priority. i don't want this to get messy.

yes, i'm in therapy. i started going because of my severe anxiety and depression, but i'll continue seeing my therapist through this and beyond. yes, my kids are in therapy. i thought it might be good for them to form a relationship with a therapist before the shit hits the fan.

and, just to be clear, the $ isn't the only reason for this divorce. i've tried everything, even couples counseling, which he stopped attending. he started pulling away from me about 10 years ago, which is odd to think about when he says that's when he started expecting me to leave him. and he does things sometimes that just...... he lied and told my youngest that i'd taken his sister to the emergency room because she was much sicker than we originally thought (i'd taken her to cvs for cold meds). this was his idea of a joke. my child was frightened and shocked, and he insisted it was 'just a joke' over and over.

he is not physically abusive. i'm not afraid of him. and i honestly believe that he cares about and loves the kids. he's just emotionally stunted and refuses help.

this got long. hopefully any updates will be shorter.