#which helps with the ed A LOT - it was never very severe so just being back on here almost got rid of it for now at least behaviour-wise

[faggotry-enjoyer]

earlier today i was like "yknow i love tumblr but it is too much of a time sink" and uninstalled it again. and here i am, crawling back, seeking those little dopamine hits in my endless scroll.

[stardustizuku]

I’ve recently been thinking on why there’s people who interpret Kuro in such a drastically different way.

And something I notice is that you can easily tell how someone experiences the series, based on what they think of the GWA.

The way you interpret the Green Witch Arc is indicative of of how you have been interpreting the story so far, and how you’ll interpret it going forward

Generally, there’s two interpretations:

1.- The Reaction Ciel had to the mustard gas, are his true feelings coming afloat

2.- The Reaction Ciel had to the mustard gas, isn’t how he feels.

The first interpretation (and I’m really not trying to be mean about it this time) comes from a very, uhm, shall I call it Teenage-Like? mindset of how pain and trauma works.

I call it Teenage-Like, because I’ve seen it in mostly literature aimed at teenagers, be it fanfics or YA. It comes from an inability for teenagers to actually voice how they feel towards their parents. A helpless feeling of being ignored.

I don’t wanna point fingers but this is the basis of a lot of Self Harm tendencies (physical, emotional, psychological, or others like EDs or digital self harm) come from. A need for people to notice you are in pain. But because you feel like you cannot voice it yourself (or don’t deserve it, it can vary) you start to lash out. Put yourself in higher risks, to have someone find out there is something wrong with you.

So the moment the main character finally breaks down, or has a moment of weakness, it’s interpreted as someone finally being truthful.

This is how Ciel’s reaction is interpreted by the first half.

The mustard gas is simply a trigger of pain, that causes all of Ciel to unravel. He’s in pain right now, cause he’s always in pain. He’s avoidant to Sebastian, cause he’s always been scared of him. He doesn’t trust him. He doesn’t trust adults. Finny is the only one who actually cares.

This makes the fact that Sebastian ,essentially, slapped him to get him to react, come off as cruel.

The boy is finally being honest, and you just tell him he’s being childish? Horrible.

Obviously, that’s not my interpretation.

Okay so, what happens once you’re not a teenager? Once you don’t have an adult figure to take care of you? What happens once you start avoiding telling your parents the pain you’re in, not because you think they won’t care, but because they’ll care too much and get worried and you don’t want them to get worried?

You start to realize pain is not the end of the world.

While, when being a teenager, getting sick meant someone gets to take care of you and maybe notice you aren’t okay, as an adult getting sick potentially means - not going to work. Which means your won’t have money to buy food, which means you’ll probably go hungry.

So getting sick becomes less of a way to get away from the responsibilities you have, and more of a burden.

That’s why you’ll see, in media aimed at adults,mental breakdown less depicted as an opportunity to be honest, and more of a sickness that needs to be healed.

You can have a more honest and truthful conversation, while you are sound of mind. There’s no power dynamic between friends, like it would with adult figures and children. So this song and dance, isn’t necessary.

You don’t have to be sick to be understood. And your friends will rather try to help you, than understand you when you’re suffering. That’s the nature of adult relationships.

This is more or less the framing that comes from Ciel’s breakdown (in the second interpretation).

The Mustard Gas isn’t showing Ciel’s true nature - it’s showing Ciel at his most vulnerable. This means, not in his sound mind.

Saying things he normally wouldn’t, hurting people he normally would hold close, and clinging to people he generally would never try to get close to.

Simply put, it isn’t just “a bit of pain to make him unravel” but a “Ciel is getting psychologically tortured by a weapon used for chemical warfare”.

He’s past being honest. He’s having such a severe reaction, that he cannot function. He’s being tortured and broken, to the point he is no longer himself.

He isn’t being “truthful” he’s scared.

And fear can make you do things that, in your sound mind, you would never do.

The point is that, Ciel isn’t saying what he truly feels or being “honest”. It’s him scared out of his mind, saying everything and anything to make the fear stop.

And the biggest proof is how he treats Sebastian.

The fact that Ciel asks Sebastian to “go away” or “not come near” is perhaps the most glaring reason as to how badly this Gas messed with him.

I’ve said this before but to Ciel, Sebastian is a lifeline. He’s the only tool he has for his revenge. The thing that, even after he lost r!Ciel, he was willing to sacrifice it all to achieve.

And at this point in time, Sebastian is also the only emotional anchor Ciel has.

As far back as the second episode, Ciel has asked Sebastian to stay. Even when he’s having flashbacks, even when he’s having an episode. In fact, Sebastian leaving him is a great source of anxiety - since as seen in BoC in the Asthma Scene, without him Ciel feels powerless enough to die.

He feels more protected with him, because he KNOWS Sebastian will protect him and that Sebastian will follow his orders.

Again going with the analogy of a dog - He feels more comfortable having the chained beast by his bed, simply bcs others are trying to hurt him and the beast won’t eat him right now.

So him asking Sebastian to go away, is throwing away his biggest safety net for a surrogate for r!Ciel, just means he’s reverting to the mentality he had during the cult.

If Sebastian is constantly telling him “it’s okay, they can’t hurt you anymore, you’re outside the cage, you can do what you WANT”

Ciel clinging to Finny is him going “no, im staying in the cage bcs at least the cage is familiar”

And no matter what the first camp tells you, staying in the cage, trapped inside your pain ISNT the healthy option.

(We could argue Ciel’s need for revenge rather than healing is also unhealthy, but no one in the second camp would even call Ciel anything other than a villain in someone else’s story)

So, Sebastian slapping him and going “no, that’s not what you want”, isn’t as cruel as it would be in the first interpretation. Because as we see, he’s right. That’s not what Ciel wants. And it’s proved by the next scene where Sebastian talks to Ciel about what he truly wants.

Rather than Sebastian telling Ciel to “get over it”, it’s closest to a “snap out of it, something’s wrong”

This is further proved by the fact that, Sebastian first instinct isn’t to scare him. He does back away, he does try to wait and gently coax him. But Ciel literally cannot reason with him.

That small but significant difference in interpretation has wildly different outcomes in how you perceive both, the characters and the story.

If you pick the first, you’re reading Sebastian as an enemy. Someone who does not respect Ciel. You see his attempt to eat Ciel’s soul as a breach of trust, and proof that he doesn’t care for him.

But if you pick the second option, you see Sebastian as an ally. Someone who’s running out of time and ways to save Ciel. His actions, while crass, ultimately help Ciel. What he was trying to do, was help.

Yana, very clearly, wanted the second interpretation. However, I cannot, in good conscience, tell you it’s the only interpretation. People are free to pick and chose how they read the text, irrelevant of how little of the actual text they’re reading.

But I will say, picking the first is symbolic of a less mature way of thinking. Common on those who like to infantilize trauma and trauma responses. It’s the easy, safe and comforting way of reading the text. As I said, it’s common in those who want their pain to be acknowledged.

That reading of Kuro is one that speak to me, that you’re not really ready to confront pain. And someone with that mentality, is not someone who’s reading of the text I find particularly interesting. Sure, you can share it, I’ll never stop you, but know you’re speaking to me in an entirely different language. You’re interpreting the text so differently, that I don’t think it’s even the same text anymore.

Again, you’re essentially writing analysis on fanfiction. And I’m not all too interested in dissecting your own trauma sloppily painted over British Aesthetic.

[bemusedlybespectacled]

Question: I enjoyed s1 OF OFMD, but for various reasons I never actually got around to watching s2 (pick up most of the plot from tumblr tho). What exactly went wrong in s2 that got so many people upset?

Oh, boy. Very long rant incoming.

So, for context, S2 had a significantly smaller budget, which necessitated moving the filming location to union-unfriendly New Zealand, reducing the number of actors/number of appearances of established actors, and cutting down the number of episodes from 10 to 8. In a show where each episode is only about half an hour long, that last one alone was enough to seriously hamper any character development or plot. I am very comfortable putting the vast majority of the blame on HBO because of these financial decisions.

The short version is that Jenkins et. al. needed to address and build on the problems left hanging in S1 while also getting the characters to the end of their character trajectories in case there was no S3 while also leaving room for additional episodes in case there was a S3, in a grand total of four hours, and failed.

The long version is that there were a bunch of what I'd consider small problems in isolation that came together and exploded in the S2 finale.

The reduced cast necessitated breaking up the crew (ex: having Swede marry Jackie and stay on land with her, so they don't need to pay Nat Faxon for all eight episodes) and not spending as much time on their relationships as S1 did.

The reduced time meant that the entire season was rushed (in contrast to S1, which takes place over at least several weeks if not months, most of S2 takes place in roughly five days), leading both to a lot of telling rather than showing (because they don't have time to show you), including vital character and relationship development.

This includes:

Having the Kraken half of the crew beat Ed to death after months of being abused by him – abuse that is clearly shown to have given them PTSD and a well-justified fear and hatred of him – only for them to be okay with him two in-universe days later;

On that note, having Stede dismiss the crew's concerns about Ed because he loves him and also we only have three more episodes left to fit in everything so we need to get over it really fast, even though Stede is supposed to be well-meaning and caring (even if he's not good at it all the time);

Resolving the issue of Stede abandoning Ed in one day, then having them "go slowly" in their relationship for two days and then have some spur-of-the-moment sex, and then the next afternoon have them break up over their diverging career aspirations, and then the day after that resolve that problem and retire on land while the rest of the crew sails off into the sunset;

Stede becoming a fantastic pirate captain over the course of one day, becoming wildly popular in the piracy world two days later, and then deciding the day after that to never be a captain again because he is retiring with Ed;

Having Ed and Stede decide to retire together as what is implied to be the end point of their relationship arc, when none of Stede's issues from S1, like his poor self-esteem, have been so much as mentioned by anyone, implying that he's either magically gotten over them or they don't matter all that much, actually, even though they were the catalyst for basically everything he did in S1;

Ed having two separate character crises – "I am an unlovable person" and "I want to do something with my life other than piracy" – not spending a lot of time on either one, having moments that clearly indicate he is still working on both problems and they have not been resolved, and then apparently having them both be resolved in the final episode despite nothing occurring to actually make that happen, and in regards to the latter, despite the story actively undermining it by repeatedly showing he can't do anything other than piracy;

Related to the above, Ed ending the series as allegedly being loved by the crew as a family (thus solving Crisis #1) despite this never actually being shown, demonstrated, or even fucking alluded to onscreen. If anything, it shows the exact opposite.

This last point is especially galling to me because of what is probably the most divisive issue in the fandom right now: killing off Izzy Hands after giving him seven episodes of character development.

The show begins with the Kraken crew clearly trying to use the skills they learned as part of Stede's crew to cope with their incredibly shitty situation and care for each other, which includes Izzy. Izzy, on his end, tries to protect the crew and speak up for them, which results in him being repeatedly hurt (both implicitly, as Ed at one point says "that's another toe" in response to Izzy advocating for the crew and we later see he's missing more than one toe already, and explicitly, as Ed shoots him in the fucking leg in front of the crew when he stands up for them).

This camaraderie is shown again and again and again. Frenchie, Jim, and Archie take care of Izzy while his leg is infected, at risk to their own lives. Izzy's misery over losing his leg is what unites the PTSD-ridden Kraken crew and the well-meaning-but-ignorant-of-PTSD marooned crew, who are initially at odds, to make him a new prosthetic leg. Izzy gives Lucius advice about forgiving Ed. Izzy is introduced to drag and opens up enough to sing at a crew party, and the whole crew is having fun together while Ed and Stede are in their cabin having sex for the first time. Izzy gives Stede pirate captain lessons and bonds with him when Ed leaves him. Izzy provokes the season's villain into focusing on him and then gives a big speech about how piracy is about belonging to something, giving the rest of the crew time to try to escape.

Recall that Season 1 had some pretty well-established universe rules, one of which was that it runs on Muppet physics/magical realism. People can jump off yardarms, hit the side on the way down, and be perfectly fine. People can get stabbed in the liver and it's totally okay because it's probably not that important, and even can stay pinned to a mast all night that way with only mild discomfort. Buttons can talk to birds and see long distances without a spyglass and put hexes on people. Good people can be hurt (Stede is stabbed repeatedly), bad people can die (the Badmintons, Geraldo), but no one we care about is ever killed.

This is repeated in Season 2: Ed is beaten into a coma with a cannonball and wakes up like Sleeping Beauty after a spirit journey, with no injuries to his face or body. Buttons turns into a seagull after spending an episode doing a magic ritual and is never seen again (because they couldn't keep paying Ewen Bremner due to the budget cuts). Jackie microdoses her husbands with poison to build up their immunity, so that she can later pull a Dread Pirate Westley and poison the British with shared drinks.

So: in the finale, the villain of the season is taken hostage by the pirates (for reasons? unclear how that fits in the plan), happens to have a gun on him (no one checked??), shoots Izzy on the right side and then leaves with no repercussions. The entire crew stands around silently doing nothing while Ed cries over Izzy and tells him that he's his only family.

And Izzy fucking Hands, the guy who just spent eight episodes bonding with and protecting everyone, uses his last words to reassure Ed that him becoming Blackbeard/the Kraken was Izzy's fault and that the crew is Ed's family and they all love him. No one else says anything to Izzy or tries to comfort him or help him in any way.

I repeat: in a show predicated on the idea that bullies and bigots die stupid deaths while queer people and POC are basically magic, a show that was praised for being kind to queer people by not making them worry about their faves suffering or dying, a show founded on the strength of the relationships between the characters, the guy who went through a season-long arc of learning to embrace his pirate found family and his own queerness is shot for stupid reasons on the side we're told isn't important and dies while everyone just stands there. His last words are about the whole crew loving Ed when the only person that the whole crew has loved all season is him.

Anyway, never mind all that, let's cut to Lucius and Pete getting married and Stede and Ed retiring!

Complicating all this is that people who liked Izzy (or even said anything insufficiently mean about Izzy) were harassed for months in between seasons with insults, slurs, and actual fucking death threats. Izzy's growth was kind of a vindication for liking him: it meant that, despite all the harassment, we were right to like him and care about him as a character. Even people who didn't like him initially started to like him during Season 2.

And then he dies, and now there's a bunch of people saying that Izzy fans are big whiny babies who can't handle fictional death, and actually his death was so meaningful and beautiful and the only logical end to his arc, and it can't be bad writing because people die in real life all the time, and also he admitted he fed Ed's darkness so actually he was a terrible person all along anyway and they were right to hate him (and his fans)!

So, yeah, there are a lot of reasons why it's so hated, and I'm probably only addressing the problems of the pro-Izzy people (from what I can tell, BlackBonnet shippers who don't like Izzy think Ed and Stede's relationship is fine and dandy, but I'm sure that there are other criticisms they have that I have not addressed). I'm not even addressing the issues with Jim and Oluwande's relationship this season (and whooo boy are there issues).

It wasn't a universally bad season. There were episodes I really loved and still do. But the finale was a train wreck, and because it was a train wreck, a lot of people are looking back at what happened before the wreck and realizing that, oh, the train lost its brakes and steering because of the budget cuts and the engineers kept throwing fuel in the engine to make it go faster, and huh, now that I think of it, that part earlier in the trip was really wobbly but I didn't pay much attention to it at the time because I was sure the engineers had everything covered.

[campcampkirbykirbykirby]

Camp Camp Commentary Notes - Season 1, Episode 1: Escape from Camp Campbell

This is the first in a series of posts detailing the various nuggets of behind-the-scenes info found in the commentaries of the Camp Camp Seasons 1 and 2 Blu-Ray. I aim to cover both the writer commentary and cast & crew commentary of every episode in the set (except the holiday specials because they don't have commentaries GRRRR)

Writer’s Commentary

Writers went back to touch up this episode after completing the initial 10 episodes, before going on to the bonus 2 episodes that were greenlit following the positive reception

This episode went through about 12-14 drafts before it was finalized

Pilots are very hard because they both need to be very good and hook the audience so they will want to watch more, you have to juggle introducing all the necessary characters and telling a single solid story

Doubly so since this was the crew’s first shot at writing for an episodic series, all their other efforts had been story-driven up to that point

Irony in that the title of the first episode is about wanting to leave the camp (or show) entirely

Max and David’s dynamic is perfectly set up within 8 lines of dialogue

In older versions of the pilot, Mr. Campbell never showed up in person, only in the introductory video that was later repurposed into promotional material

Most of what was taken out of the pilot ended up being reused in some way, including the intro and the teaser trailer

One of the primary goals was to establish early on that this is not a kids show, like some people who saw the early promo material thought it was

This is why Max swears less than 40 seconds in, and why the rabbit gets swooped up by Timothy earlier (although I’d argue you could make that joke in a more family-friendly show)

First RT series produced in more of a writer’s room style akin to The Simpsons

The writers would come up with episode ideas, divy up who’d want what story, they’d write a first draft, come back to it, workshop the script several times, rinse and repeat until it devolved into Miles and Jordan doing final punch-ups and trimming

This pipeline allowed for lots of easter eggs and background details to be slipped in

Then they effectively do a table-read of the script which allows them to add more

Starting in Season 2, they started recording writer’s room conversations, so if something funny came up and they wanted to add it, they wouldn’t just have to go off of memory

Putting all the campers in the activities field doing their activities seemed like a good way to establish all of their respective camps.

Challenger II is Miles’ favorite visual gag (as of 2018, at least)

Working with Lee Eddy and Travis Willingham was great, Lee especially since they had previously worked with her for Red V.S. Blue

Travis was the first person who recorded for the show, as part of the aforementioned introductory video, and he was great at riffing and ad-lib

What exactly Camp Campbell was was foggy initially (whether or not it advertised that it was a camp of all camps), and the initial pilot didn’t explain it very well because they had built an internal understanding of what it was and didn’t do a very good job conveying it to the audience.

Mr. Campbell really likes the Quartermaster

Looking back on the first episodes is very interesting, especially when you have been working on the show for years at that point, for example, Max’s bond with Nikki hasn’t been established yet, so he has to ask why she’d help him.

Not enough time for the full theme song (hence why no intro), so they thought having Gwen interrupt it was funny

The scene where Max, Neil, and Nikki are running was seemingly the origin of Neil’s raptor arms (oh, excuse me, T-rex arms)

Ed, Edd ‘n’ Eddy was used as a reference for things like this because the Eds each had distinct walk cycles befitting their personality

First Day buttons were included so the campers would have a means to get away from the counselors

The music sting as the bus is driving away is a nod to the Back to the Future theme

Cast and Crew Commentary

Michael jokes about a sequel or prequel called “Max Max/Maximum Max”

The scream Miles did when David gets hit by the bus gets used quite a bit

The more Max’s parents push him away, the more he tries to cling to him, according to Maggie

Episode was supposedly recorded March 2016, ironically one of the last ones recorded

Recording for the series started November of 2015

Handheld camera movements in the mess hall scene were added by animator Gil Calceta

Lee Eddy was the only person who auditioned for Gwen, the crew saw it as perfect casting

Laserdisc player is not big enough for laserdisc

Campbell’s lazy wear (for lack of a better term) was only made for the one shot, though it would later comeback in Season 4

Michael initially auditioned for Camp Camp not really knowing what it was, and his script was just some typical Max phrases

Older episodes, Max was pitched up because Michael hadn’t quite perfected the voice yet

There was no helicopter assest created, it’s off screen and only implied by Campbell being pulled up by the ladder

The scene of Nikki throwing the button took 3 days to animate

The line “Go to bitch, jail” in the Camp Camp Rap Rap was an ad-lib/outtake

[jaskierx]

[CW for discussion of severe mental illness (PTSD) and suicide]

I want to add my perspective to the conversation about canyon people picking and choosing which disability rep is worth telling. It’s really offensive to me because I’m mentally disabled so it feels like these people are glossing over the mental illness rep in the show.

I hesitate because i do not want to seem like I’m chastising people for acknowledging the physical disability rep. OFMD has better physical disability rep than any show I’ve seen, while I’ve seen many shows with mentally ill characters. I also do not want to give credit where credit is not due, because ultimately these characters don’t have any diagnosed mental disabilities. However, I don’t think that that subtracts from the representation because 1)the show obviously takes place before many mental health diagnoses that we have now did,2) even if those diagnoses did exist, the crew would not be able to access them, and 3) I think the show is clearly trying to tell us that characters are suffering from PTSD, or at the very least struggling to process a traumatic event, they just don’t have the words to describe it as such.

Many characters exhibit what would today be classified as symptoms of a psychiatric disorder. In this fandom we often joke about that, especially Ed’s (which is more than okay), but I also want to appreciate the way that season 2 deals with the trauma of the kraken era. They freak out and have flashbacks over blindfolds and birthday cakes because of what they’ve been through. They have interpersonal conflicts due to differing ways of processing the trauma and not seeing eye to eye on each others own unique experience (Lucius and Pete come to mind). Lucius takes up smoking to cope with the pain. Ed dissociates (I think, because he doesn’t remember wanting to have a talent show) and is literally suicidal, first passively (“you mean curl up into a ball and die?”) and then actively (the whole storm thing). He also turns to using drugs to self medicate.

Anyway sorry for the novel I just wanted to add my perspective because this show means a lot to me as someone who’s mentally disabled and I want to know if anyone else with a mental disability feels the same/differently.

no don't apologise this is a really good point!

i've posted about it a few times and so has glam and several other people whose links i don't have to hand but the depiction of ed's mental illness and his suicidality is fucking spot on and the show absolutely deserves all the praise it gets for that

especially because it's quite possibly the first show i've ever seen that depicts suicidality in a way that manages to be accurate without being pitying and manages to be hopeful without romanticising the issue. the show brings ed to his lowest point and then shows him being helped to come back from that by people who love him. it tells us that there's always a way for things to get better and that you can get there by yourself but it's easier if you have help, and it tells us that this help is available because there is always going to be someone waiting for you even if you doubt that. it never shows ed as 'cured'. it never shows stede being angry with ed for his symptoms. when lucius suggests that ed might just be 'broken', stede very quickly shuts him down and the show makes it clear that the narrative is on stede's side here.

and all of this just doesn't get brought up by izzy stans. discussion of mental illness portrayal tends to be one of the following:

ignoring ed's arc altogether to focus on izzy's suicide attempt and his 'i want to go' line while he's on his deathbed (and in a massively different place to where he was in s2e2) and using this to pretend that the show's message is 'disabled queer people deserve to die' (yes unfortunately this is a take i have seen with my own two eyes)

writing ed's arc off as an example of 'magic dick' and using this to pretend that he was fine as soon as he got stede back

ignoring ed's arc completely and instead insisting that he's a violent serial killer and abuser with anger issues who traumatised the crew and will inevitably physically abuse stede and kill all their inn's customers

ignoring all portrayals of mental illness completely because they will deliberately downplay the disability of every other disabled character in order to centre izzy

the canyon will bend over backwards to centre izzy and to view the entire show through a lens where he is their longsuffering protagonist who can do no wrong and it's led them to ignore so much of what makes the show great

[miasmaghoul]

I just, I don't even know what to say

W O W

Ok, serious chat for a moment. Warnings for mentions of an ED and medical mistreatment.

It's so frustrating to still see shit like this when I grew up in the days of fat free everything and Weight Watchers ads every 5 minutes on TV.

Why is it fat people that everyone agrees to dogpile on? We're bullied incessantly for something that a lot of us can't even fix or help, because people who AREN'T fat assume we're just lazy pigs. Like yeah, please just disregard my physical debility and MULTIPLE hormonal issues and just assume that I just shovel food into my mouth constantly. Oh, you say I can't have an eating disorder because I'm fat and "those people" are skinny? BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!

It's bullshit, full stop. I still struggle with my ED, but the older I've gotten the more open and honest with myself I've become. I've never sought treatment for it because, again, I'm still fat. The one time I did bring it up to a doctor, he said "well if you do have an eating disorder then you aren't doing a very good job." I wish I were making that up.

Fat is in my genes, and there are so many other contributing factors it isn't even funny. It's so pounded into our heads that we NEED to be thin (mostly targeting women, let's be real) in order to have value, and I'm so fuckin sick of still hearing about the latest severely unhealthy fad diet or what fucking celebrity is on ozempic.

Which, by the way, I did have pushed on me a couple years ago when regular people could still get their hands on it. It made me feel so much worse. Every dose would trigger a binge, and I would feel horrible for days afterwards. I told my doctor (different from the other one I mentioned) this, and she told me that it was just something I was going to have to deal with because look, you've lost 20lbs since your last visit!

I felt worse than I had in YEARS, but it didn't matter because my body was becoming more socially acceptable. Do you want to know how many times doctors have tried to shove weight loss surgery down my throat? Countless. No matter how many times I say I'm not even there to talk about my weight, and that those surgeries are NOT for me, someone always brings it up. It's crazy how hurtful being ignored for knowing your own body is, because someone else thinks you need to change.

I wish this was something I had figured out when I was younger, but alas. I wore a hoodie over my clothes for 6 years straight, regardless of how hot it was outside, just to try to hide. I made myself miserable, ate barely anything (which would just trigger a binge, of course) and had it beat into my head constantly that my weight was the most important thing about me.

Here's the thing it took me way too long to learn:

IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER

You know what the number on the scale is? It's just a number. Your weight, high or low, is simply a tiny part of who you are as a human. If others choose to judge you based on it, that's not a failure on your part. It's on theirs. Being fat is not a crime, nor is it deserving of the insults and sneers we get in public spaces. People will always find a reason to stare, to whisper and giggle, and the best thing you can do for yourself is not give them the time of day.

I realize that's not easy. It's taken me 30+ years to reach a point where I've realized that going out in public is a necessity, and that the only reason I think people are staring at me is because advertisements like this punched the concept into my fragile little mind as a kid. At the end of the day, this is the one thing all fat people need to know:

Being fat is not a moral failure.

There is nothing wrong with you just because you need bigger clothes, mobility aids, or help from others. I don't care what anyone says - your weight is no one's business but your own. You want to lose weight? Go for it! More power to you, you'll get nothing but support from me. But there's nothing wrong with not wanting to do that either. That's really what it comes down to - the assumption that there's something inherently wrong with us because we're bigger than other people.

That's the part that needs to stop. And if anyone ever needs a reminder, my asks are always open. You're beautiful, I promise. 💜

Thank you for coming to my TED talk lmao

(I'm sure some asshole anons will come at me for "glorifying obesity" or "promoting unhealthy lifestyles". I assure you I am not. I am simply trying to help normalize a different mindset. If you're upset that fat people exist and that I'm saying they deserve the same care and compassion as anybody else, then you need to do a little bit of internal examination there. I promise fat people have not hurt you by virtue of existing in larger bodies ♡)

[erinelliotc]

EEnE / Eddy EDit (Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In! - Will Wood and the Tapeworms)

I'm going to give some context because Will Wood's songs can be somewhat abstract, difficult to understand and have many different interpretations.

This song reminds me a lot of Eddy (in fact, a lot of Will Wood's songs remind me of him and I have several other edits planned) because it's about:

Self-destructive behavior

Having an unhealthy addiction

Never wanting to give up on going deeper and deeper into your goal

The desire to hit the bottom (which is mostly rock bottom)

Believing that you're special, "the chosen one", destined for greatness, that you have a greater purpose to fulfill, or that only you can do or solve something, and you'll do anything to achieve this

Desperately wanting to prove yourself

The desire to go even further down the rabbit hole

The addictive and obsessive desire to never stop even when it's taking you down a bad path and making you worse because you just gotta get to the bottom, and even when you seem to be at your worst you feel that it's still not enough and that you can still keep going, so you just keep going and going and getting worse and worse until you hit the bottom. You also start to lose your mind, go insane, and your addiction is so unhealthy and out of control and you're so determined to hit the bottom that you'll continue even if it kills you, and it even seems impossible to actually get to the bottom because you just go deeper and deeper no matter what

This is very worrying behavior, but hitting rock bottom is often necessary for people to finally understand that they need to stop, just like what happened to Eddy.

Some excerpts from interpretations on Genius to complement:

The phrase “I need to hit the bottom” may be a reference to the phrase “hitting rock bottom,” which addicts use to describe their lowest point that made them realize they needed to change. [...] He later on in the song comes to the conclusion that with the right kind of shovel or justification, you can always reach a deeper “bottom.”

He could be trying to prove that he needs help. A large portion of addicts/people struggling with mental illness don’t believe that they deserve help until they have reached rock bottom. Here, Wood might be saying that he needs to “hit the bottom” in order to deserve help.

I purposely chose scenes of Double D talking about already being enough, that he's had enough, to contrast with the "This is not enough" in the song (which represents Eddy) because while the others around Eddy (especially Double D) have had enough of his self-destructive behavior, he appears to be obsessed and desperate to prove himself and will do whatever it takes to do so, even if it leads to his own doom. The feeling is that he still needs to get even worse until he can't take it anymore to finally admit that he needs help, or even to feel that he is worthy of being helped.

It's a very chaotic song that I think suits Eddy perfectly.

How ironic is it that this was the edit I spent the most time working on non-stop? I swear, I worked on it from 3:20 am to 12:30 pm, I had lunch and went to the bathroom, then continued working on it until 9:40 pm. Yes, I hadn't sleep and that's not healthy, but I'm used to it and it's becoming more common since I started hyperfixating on Ed, Edd n Eddy. I swear I didn't even feel the hours passing, I'm just having fun as always when I make Eddy edits. I just totally got into the vibe of the song and was in full "This is not enough. I need to hit the bottom" mode. Never stop until the edit is complete... Whenever inspiration hits me I just have to work until I'm done because I need to make the most of that sudden moment of inspiration and hyperfixation because I'm scared that it'll disappear before I'm done, and my head starts coming up with ideas and more ideas and I get really excited to finish my edits while the ideas are fresh.

TikTok:

YouTube:

[fannyrosie]

I've followed you for quite a while and I've always loved your style plus I lived vicariously through your life in Japan lol. I'm sorry if you've already posted this I couldn't find the post but I was wondering why you left Japan. It's my dream to live there one day and I was curious what it was like.

I have answered that in my Instagram Stories, but here is the long story version (TL;DR: I came back mainly because of my poor health):

I left Japan after 6 1/2 years for several reasons, but one the main reason is because of my health. I've never been the healthiest person, even before moving there (I was even dubbed "the sick one" at my old job because I often had to suddenly leave work in the afternoons). I was constantly tired and had really bad abdominal pains. I saw several doctors in Montreal, and all I managed to get was a diagnosis for IBS and anxiety. However, I was functional most days, and managed to work and live relatively normally, as long as I rested a lot and stuck to my FODMAP diet.

During the few first years of my life in Japan, my physical health remained that way, with some random very bad health periods, but overall, I was fine. I even started to workout regularly to improve my posture and muscles. However, from 2020 onwards, my health declined significantly. On top of my worsening IBS, I started having really bad spine pains, radiating to my head, chest and arms, and making me so tired I had to take several days of rest every time I went out. I started to catch every little virus I got in contact with, and had to avoid taking public transport the most I could. I was working from home, and walked a lot, so that was manageable, but it made me more isolated.

I saw several doctors, but even though they did blood tests and x-rays, they couldn't find anything and just assumed it was stress. After reading about EDS, I thought I might have that (since I am also hypermobile), and had to wait 7 months to get an appointment at Todai's hospital. However, on the day of my appointment, I got told that Todai only deals with EDS related to heart issues, and my tests were all normal, including my x-rays. That was in June 2022, and was the final straw, as it proved that even the most advanced hospital in Japan couldn't help me. By that time, I had to wear a back brace to do the most basic things, like laundry or going to the supermarket, and was taking painkillers every day. I had to stop working because I couldn't work on my computer for more than 2 hours a day. Obviously, no work=no money.

Coming back to Québec, I had to wait 3 months to get back on the public health system, and as of today (6 months after being back), I managed to get x-rays and MRI showing I have: discopathy (degenerative spine disk disease), osteoarthritis (degenerative joint disease), several herniated disks in my cervical region and pinched nerves due disks collapsing. Basically, I have the spine of a 70 year old. I have been referred to a physiatrist, but we all know that Québec's public health system is very slow. so God knows when I'll see one. Nevertheless, they found something, which is better than all the doctors in Japan who told me it was just stress. Japan sadly has a big culture of having to "endure" pain (mental or physical), and it shows in their medical system.

Due to the degenerative nature of the illnesses they found up to now, my health is constantly getting worse. I used to have good and bad health days, but now, I have more bad health days than good health days. I still take painkillers every day and wear my back brace to do normal tasks, but most days, these are not enough. I am trying to make the most of my "good" health days by dressing up and doing nice things, but I never know how I will be the next day (or hour).

I had to take two breaks writing this; hopefully it makes sense haha

[oddballcobblebot]

GOTHAM NYGMOBBLEPOT HEADCANONS!! ☂️❔

hiii !!!!! i luvv telling people my headcanons so here are some of mine!!

☂️ STARTING WITH OSWALD!! 🐧

he's autistic and has bpd!!

he struggles with textures related to his suits so he tries to get them all in a favorable texture, he loves silk and satin, cant stand velvet

left handed

he struggles with impulsive suicidal/self harm ideation due to bpd, when triggered by things he can spiral easily and become overwhelmed which causes the impulsive ideation

he likes most foods but finds some absolutely unbearable and refuses to eat them.

he has anger issues from his autism!! he gets overwhelmed which turns into rage (like me)

he lovess food, he loves trying food and is willing to eat anything ed makes about 98% of the time

if his clothes feel too restricting he will wear ed's because theyre bigger on him, but only around the house, never anywhere else

he's always been chubby even from childhood!! and was fat moreso season 5 and onward, especially after finale!

he struggles with gender identity but chooses not to label himself much, but if it were put into a term, mainly genderfluid. he uses both she/her and he/him interchangeably. lesbian freak. she is also uniromantic and is only in love with ed!!!

he has a very low self esteem and has a hard time looking in mirrors sometimes, especially after hurting his eye

he gets headaches very often but they aren't very debilitating. they are usually triggered by potent scents and lights

(secret headcanon i have he has POTS shhh)

he sometimes smokes weed when the pain in his leg is too much to handle and pain medication isn't helping

he wont ever say it, but he loves being cared for

❔ EDWARD NYGMA TIME!!! 🦉

he has npd, autism, and osdd!! he is a narc but not in the eww narcissists way, in the actual personality disorder way!!

severe sensory issues, especially towards lights and textures

hates the texture of grass

right handed

needs a near constant stream of npd supply, even if its in small ways like praising his riddles, ideas, calling him smart, etc

oswald listening to him intently is like a form of supply for him, feeling listened to is like supply

he uses she/her and he/him interchangeably like oswald, and discovered her gender identity in arkham (the last time she went for a decade...sad face), transgender lesbian!!

very very selective and picky with foods

loves to take care of oswald and cook, cooking makes it easier to cater to both of their texture needs, but they do occasionally eat out

loves infodumping to oswald about riddles and whatever is interesting him

nerm swana (turkish + arab specifically) !!

if oswald is smoking for leg pain u best bet ed is joining in!!!!!

loves to listen to oswald talk alot

he loves loves loves cats and pets the strays around gotham

he didnt ACTUALLY hate that oswald named his dog after him and found it quite endearing

🐧☂️ TOGETHER!!!!!1! NYGMARBLEPOT ❔🦉

they both love having meals together and talking about future endeavors

oswald runs the iceberg lounge after the finale, edward is also a co owner

they spend a lot of time together

oswald sleeps on the left side of the bed, edward on the right

edward helps oswald a lot when hes having problems with anger, he tries to be more logical rather than just trying to tell him to "calm down." trying to give him a solution and talking it through helps oswald more

oswald keeps candles and dim lights around the manor to help with ed's sensory problems related to lights, as well as to prevent headaches for himself too

edward helps oswald with his leg a lot, like reminding him to take medications or use his cane when needed. he is always there to remind oswald its okay to need help with things time to time

they both love listening to eachother

oswald likes drinking more than ed does, he loves gin and tonic, frozen margaritas, and martinis. ed prefers not to drink, but doesnt mind a martini either. ed doesnt drink on his own, only with oswald really

oswald became an occaisonal smoker after blackgate, using it to calm any anxiety he gets. ed doesnt like it that much and hates the smell, but he bears with it for oswalds sake. doesnt mean he doesnt try to get him to stop, though

edward loves oswalds size and constantly compliments him, he loves oswald no matter what weight he is and never comments on his body negatively ever

they both have tons of bodily scars

they are both very physically affectionate with eachother but dont really like being touched by other people at all, both are very touch avoidant when it comes to anyone but eachother

both use fem terms on eachother and refer to eachother with she/her a lot!! they both love being fem in private

ed's special interest is riddles and oswald's is penguins!!! eds always loved riddles and puzzles, while oswald learned more about them after the title was bestowed upon him. he also loves sharks!!!

THEY R IN LOVE!!!!! !!!!

thats all. bye bye!!

[coffinup]

Hey! I’m currently in high school and thinking about going into funeral services. I’ve felt with grief for most of my life so I think I could get around it being mentally hard, but I also kind of despise math and have forgotten everything I learned about it this summer. Anything you think I should know about the industry?

I think your experience with grief will absolutely make you the right person for the job. The funeral profession always needs people who understand the struggle and can have true empathy.

So the math thing: there are some US states that require a four-year degree for mortuary science, and some (like mine) that split it up into a separate associates degree and secondary mortuary science diploma. Usually the four-year degrees are attained at universities, and the split/trade style degrees are attained at colleges, trade schools or community colleges. Several colleges have programs you can do hybrid/online as long as you can work at a funeral home. For both you’ll have to do college-level math courses for your gen-ed requirements. BUT something I did for my undergrad is I took a C.L.E.P test for college math so I didn’t have to take a class. CLEPS let you test out of a credit course, so I would look into that if you don’t want to do college math classes. There are study guides for them too. Aside from that, there isn’t much math in mortuary science that goes beyond basic algebra. I had to take an accounting class which required some money-related math, but that was the extent of it. There’s a formula in embalming called the primary dilution formula that is a very basic algebraic problem that’s super easy as long as you understand basic algebra concepts.

I’ll also say a couple things, since you are a young person that wants to go into it out of high school:

-Be prepared to deal with old fogeys that are set in their ways. There will be a lot of them, and the best strategy is to just accept what they try to teach you, and then make decisions based on what you think is best after that.

-Mortuary Science has one of the highest drop-out rates because of the graphic nature of it. About half of my class in the first anatomy course dropped out after we went for our autopsy examination. I think it’s probably stating the obvious that things can get gross, but if you aren’t squeamish and can express and tackle your feelings, you’ll be fine. You’ll be encountering human bodies in various stages of decay, various forms of injury and deformation, and see lots of results of disease. Just be prepared for that! And have an outlet like a trusted friend, therapist or journal where you can talk about your experiences, it’s important to not keep things bottled up!

-Funeral service rarely has an ideal work/life balance. Most funeral homes work on a “10/4” or “2 week” work schedule where you’ll work ten days in a row and get four days off. Some days you’ll work 6-8 hours, other days you might be there all day and night. Something to be prepared for. Larger firms and corporations tend to have more set/defined schedules.

I hope that helps! Good luck on your journey, and I truly wish you the best. Young people being interested in this profession always makes me happy, and I think you’ll do great things. Don’t be too discouraged by your perceived limitations, you NEVER know until you try! And the great thing about being at the age you are is you have ample time to try new things!

Best wishes :)

-Memento Mori

[priderock-inc]

Shenzi's Den

Lost in busily regretting every life choice that has led him here, Zazu nearly misses the building.

The skies open up just as he enters the upscale apartment building; pouring bucket after bucket of rain onto the pavement outside as he glances around the foyer, trying to find the elevators without making eye contact with anyone. 

It’s a nice place. A very nice one, all cool grays and muted accents and paneled walls. There aren’t any signs, which Zazu could really make use of, but he manages to locate the elevators after a surreptitious bout of glancing around. 

Stepping into an unoccupied lift, he consults his phone for the fifth time.

4th floor suite B, 2nd door after you turn left

Thanks a lot, Sarabi. 

He reaches the fourth floor without incident, turns left, and there’s the door. Zazu listens carefully, hoping for a clue as to what he might find inside, and then sighs deeply.

He knocks.

Silence.

He waits ten seconds and knocks again.

The door swings open, and Zazu nearly drops his file.

Skull-shaped clips is the first thing he registers, hot pink and thoroughly incongruous, nestled in Scar’s hair and pinning the long locks back from his face. Open-collar white shirt is next, followed by fang necklace and-

“Zazu?” Scar's usual drawl is slightly nonplussed, effectively jolting the advisor back into the present. He blinks. “To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”

Oh. Right. Zazu holds out the file, hoping his hands aren’t shaking. “I’m just here to drop this off.”

Scar makes no move to take the papers. “On a weekend? Do you ever stop working?”

“I- y-" With a monumental effort, Zazu gathers his shredded composure. “I will have you know that I wasn’t doing anything else today anyway and Sarabi asked me to give you these. Which, I might add, she says you left in the office last week.”

Scar’s lips form a thoughtful moue. Zazu fixes his attention very firmly on a particularly fascinating section of doorpost.

“Never mind. Well, come in. I’ve got company at the moment, so what’s one more?”

“I’ve got to get going.”

“You just said you weren’t doing anything else today.”

And with that, he saunters back into the apartment, not bothering to look and see if Zazu is following him. 

Zazu follows anyway. 

The place isn’t decorated in as modern a style as downstairs, but it’s certainly no less elegant. Zazu tries not to peer too obviously about. Deep green carpeting, clawed furniture in a luxurious dark wood, several rare-looking volumes on the bookshelf near the window against the far wall. An expensive-looking camera on a tripod in the middle of the room, standing a few feet away from a salon chair and a small, high worktable heaped with what looks like cosmetics and makeup tools. Shenzi’s puttering around these last three; Ed is on the floor tinkering with some black plastic strips and wires and a small remote.

“You’ll have to excuse the mess,” Scar says, gesturing at his other two visitors and then, somewhat ruefully, at his head. “And these clips. I’m just helping Shenzi with a little project.”

Zazu coughs. “I… see.”

“You know, it was only yesterday that Mufasa was encouraging me to ‘stop spending so much time cooped up all by yourself’. Here I am, hosting not two but three workmates in a single day. I can just imagine how proud he’s going to be.”

“Scar, whattaya doin’- hey!”

A weak greeting is all Zazu can manage before a bolt of lightning streaks across the window, its intensity matched only by the glare of sheer annoyance that Shenzi levels at him. Ed looks up and waves. 

“What’s he doin’ here?” Shenzi whines.

“The poor thing is being worked to the bone,” Scar replies briskly, sauntering over to the salon chair and perching himself on one of the armrests. “And to think it’s begun to rain- we can’t possibly let him out in such a downpour. Make yourself at home, Zazu.”

“I really need to get going.”

“But Scaaar, we were doin’ a video,” Shenzi complains. “My viewers are countin' on me! Do you know-“ she turns to Zazu- “how long I’ve been workin’ on gettin’ him to agree to be in this makeup demo?!”

“I really can’t imagine, but-”

“You can stand here.” She steers Zazu behind the tripod with a surprising amount of force. “Make sure nothin’ weird gets on camera, okay? Like if somethin’ happens in the background or out the window or whatever. Then we can stop and do a retake.”

“I’m hardly qualified to babysit a cosmetics tutorial,” Zazu says tartly and, if he’s being honest, just a little desperately.

“Yeah, well, neither is Banzai, not that he showed up to help. So it’s gotta be you. Aren’t you, like, super good at catchin’ mistakes? C’mon! Don’tcha wanna watch me turn Scar into a-“

“No, I most decidedly do not!”

Scar pouts. “Zazu, you wound me.”

Shenzi grabs the back of the chair, shoves Scar into it, and spins it around so Scar’s facing away from the camera. “Less chatter and more makeup-in’, guys. Scar, no movin’ till I say, remember? Hey, Zaz, we’re already rollin’, right?”

“What- live? Shenzi, I did not agree to-"

“Nah, we’re gonna edit it all together at the end. Ya don’t even have to be in it, so can you please chill out already? Okidoke, Ed, hit it!”

Ed presses a button on his remote, and neon-green smoke spirals forth from the black strips on the floor. 

“Hey hey heyyy, whassup and welcome back to Shenzi’s Den! It’s ya girl, the fierce, the fabulous, the bone-afide beauty Shenzi Marie, coming at’cha again with some hot new stylin’ tips on this rainy Sunday. As you might’a noticed, we’re not actually in my den today... and that’s ‘cause I’ve got a suuuuuuper special surprise for my favorite viewers! Well, not so much a surprise if you read the video title. Can you say... guest! Of! Honor?!”

Ed hits the fog machine again. Zazu has to admit the overall effect is impressive.

“Yeah, that’s right! We got a brand-new canvas to play with today. Wanna say hi, Scar?”

Scar spins around to face the camera, raising one hand and wiggling his fingers in a leisurely wave. “Hello, YouTube.”

He winks at the camera, making eye contact with Zazu, and smirks. 

“So remember that lewk y’all have been beggin’ me to try out?" Shenzi grins into the camera and begins ticking off on her fingers. "Dramatic, edgy, bone-chillin’ fierce? I’ve just been waitin’ for this guy-" she thumps both hands onto Scar’s shoulders- “to finally let me show him off a little. We’re talking smoky, sultry, angles, color, the whooooole shebang! So it’s everyone’s lucky day, especially his-" she claps Scar on the shoulders again- “because this look is gonna knock your socks off!”

“Explains where all my laundry has been going,” Scar drawls, and Shenzi cackles. 

“Yeah, yeah. Personally I think the dryer’s out to get me, and Banzai has this whole conspiracy about aliens. Okidoke! So first we’re gonna do some moisturizin’. We’ve got the same sponge as last time, link in the description below, but always make sure ya clean it off well in between uses...”

She reaches for one of the innumerable pots on the little table and begins smearing white stuff onto Scar’s face. 

Much of what follows flies entirely over Zazu’s head. He has no idea what ‘priming’ and ‘foundation’ are, or why ‘matte’ versus ‘gloss’ matters, but he certainly gets some of it; Shenzi’s delighted exclamations about her favorite Outlander Eyeliner that she’s planning to use (“ We’re talkin’ black as my soul on a Monday mornin’, people!”), and as for “these cheekbones could cut glass! ”, well. 

“Now onto my favorite part! We’re really gonna make these peepers pop. Gonna be using this palette here for that olive-gold royal vibe with a little emerald smoke for flavor, and of course, we’re gonna highlight that signature scar."

“Ah, yes, my pièce de résistance.” Scar lets his eyes fall shut. “Smoke away.”

Blacks, browns, golds, and greens fly from Shenzi’s brushes. Zazu sincerely hopes nothing has been happening in the window that he’s supposed to be catching, because he hasn’t been watching the window at all.

“Villainous!” Shenzi cheers. “I mean, I am magic! Okidoke, guys, we’re gonna craft some wings now, these babies are gonna cut through steel-”

“Or mountains of paperwork, perhaps,” Scar adds lazily, winking again. He tilts his chin slowly upward to give Shenzi a better angle. “If only.”

Zazu exhales. It’s going to be a long afternoon. 

[avoidantrecovery]

AvPD & The Relational Self

There is one core aspect of AvPD that get's severely ignored imo, and which might be a key to actually solving it: The Relational Self. I'll be quoting from this article (Some people feel so utterly alone it’s as if they don’t exist by Kristine Dahl Sørensen) a lot, because I've been thinking about it a lot.

What is the Relational Self?

It's essentially the part of ourselves that forms in relation to others. We all grow up getting feedback from those around us, parents, friends, teachers, bosses etc... And this feedback reflects back on who we are, who we become and who we understand ourselves to be. It is vital for forming a fully-fledged "self" that is able to independently interact and go through life. We develop it through in person interaction with other humans, it completes us.

Most of all, we believe that our findings underline how the way we humans come to be ourselves is always relational, [...] We grow and develop our sense of self in interplay with others; through acting, reacting, talking, telling, and listening. Source

What does this have to do with AvPD?

My belief is that us with AvPD never actually managed to form this Relational Self properly. Something went wrong as we were growing up and derailed us from our path. And there are many reasons: overly critical parents, peer rejection and bullying, discrimination, any kind of abuse that is relational and focused on a person's self essentially. Our skills to interact healthily and properly either wither or don't have the chance to form in the first place.

I think that then also breaks with our ability to relate to our selves and others, we form anxieties, shame, avoid relational activities, mask and pretend, spiral into depression.

For those who struggle to participate in these exchanges, the self that doesn’t become shared can become unknown, unnamed and hidden, frightful and considered as something that can’t be accepted or trusted. Source

And then we are left as empty husks of ourselves, unable to relate and interact truthfully (without masking) with other people. It's not even that we are lying, it just feels empty without a mask. We as AvPD's lack(ed) something pretty crucial that Sørensen puts very well:

Aloneness was more than loneliness. They longed for something never experienced: the felt sense of being yourself through another person. Source

Conclusion

And I think I can truthfully say that this is true for me. I have had periods where I've had friends, but because I always mask (without knowing it) they don't know me. Hell, I don't know me, as dramatic as that sounds. And sooner or later I ghost, because pretending is exhausting.

I have come to close to experiencing myself through someone else, but I've always avoided (lol) it. Because the fear is that there is nothing here to see or experience. I remember when I had little crushes and they gave even a hint of reciprocating, aside from gently rejecting them or self-sabotaging, I always wondered: What do they see in me? This was not low self-esteem, because ironically enough I have quite high self-esteem (not sure how that works either tbh). I just genuinely did not know what it was they exactly wanted or saw in me. I was empty and they would find that out eventually and be disappointed. And I think that this feeling of emptiness, that drives all our other avoidant actions, is an atrophied Relational Self.

It also explains the infamous symptom list that I always found harsh and kind of not helpful. All those things on that list (whether it be the ICD or DSM-5 one) all lead to the Relational Self issue.

Now, the question is, how do I heal with Relational Self? Does this make sense to anyone else?

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch, i realise that this is not an actual sex ed related question and I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds.

I'm sort of in a weird spot right now a la my sexuality and am trying to figure out if I actually want a relationship and if what I feel is romantic attraction or Friendship levelled up. I've known for a long time that I'm Demisexual or Ace, and I thought I knew that I still felt romantic attraction but now I'm less sure.

How did you come to realise that you were aromantic? In that discovery did you ever wonder if it was a sort of 'mental block' or something similar that would be better off working through? (I ask because I'm sort of stuck in that state of mind right now, and I'm just curious to see if it's a common experience or not)

I realise that this is a fairly sensitive topic, and I really don't mean offense by asking.

I also realise that no two people's experiences will be the same but I was interested in hearing about it from another person's perspective.

I hope you have a great day whether or not you give this ask the time of day.

I've asked you other things in the past and it's always been brilliantly helpful. Thanks a lot for everything you do.

hi anon,

no worries about overstepping boundaries :) this is a pretty reasonable thing to ask of someone, and I'm happy to talk about it!

there's a funny story that I tell about the moment I probably should have known, but didn't yet have the language. in sixth grade my class had an assignment that involved making a collage timeline of the rest of our lives (a proto-vision board of sorts) and I think I was the only kid in the class who didn't put getting married on my timeline. everyone else did, as far as I can remember, and most of them also included having kids. being a pedantic little fuck I pointed out to several of my friends that it was really unreasonable to assume they would find someone they liked enough to marry who liked them back, to which everyone told me (paraphrasing) to shut the fuck up and stop being a little bastard.

but it still seemed very strange to me, because even when I was very young - back when I barely had the language to conceptualize being gay, let alone aromantic - I never imagined my life with a romantic partner. romantic pairings were interesting in stories, sure, I ate that shit up from a very young age! the star-crossed lovers shit going on in American Dragon: Jake Long did a number on my developing brain, and my Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops got up to INSANE relationship drama, but for myself it never really felt, like, relevant? not unpleasant, just uninteresting.

but I still had crushes on people as I grew up, and more importantly I had crushes on people of various genders, so during my teen years I was WAY more preoccupied with repressing my burgeoning bisexuality than drawing any conclusions about my romantic orientation

spoilers: the bisexuality won.

in college I had a friend who identified as asexual at the time, who spent maybe a year trying to convince me that I was aromantic. and I didn't want to hear it! I don't know why, honestly; maybe some part of me, despite loving the community I had found coming into my queerness, was still subconsciously afraid of being too different and grappling with the consequences.

so instead I did this uuuuh real dirtbag thing where instead of just acknowledging to myself that I was pretty fundamentally uninterested in romantic relationships and that that's fine, I spent the first half of college leaning hard on self-deprecation to explain my single status. oh, me? why aren't I dating? well, I'd probably be a really bad partner. yeah, I suck. I mean, I'm so busy all the time! and I'm weird.

(at the time I know I definitely had friends who assumed I was Like That because my parents were divorced, which is hilarious old-fashioned and also categorically untrue. I was Like This way before my parents got divorced!)

it actually took a relationship ending pretty badly to make peace with the idea that maybe I didn't want a relationship at all. I won't get into the details on that, because it involves another person and we were both very young and accidentally hurt each other a lot in ways we didn't mean and I don't think anyone was the villain, but I don't want it to come across like I had one bad breakup and then swore off romance, a thing I'd previously been interested in, forever. it was more like I found myself in a really heightened situation - they really desperately needed a good and attentive romantic partner after getting out of a bad relationship, I wanted our friendship to stay exactly the same but with a sexual component - that made very, very obvious what I was actually looking for in non-platonic relationships. which was, I guess, actually pretty platonic relationships, but with genitals involved.

haha just kidding, I actually didn't get that part through my skull until I spent an entire summer crying constantly, dissociating frequently, and spending way too much time on BAD dates having even worse sex that made me feel gross! but we got there eventually.

that part probably isn't super relatable to you if you're somewhere in the ace realm, sorry about that.

anyway, once the dust settled and I felt halfway human again I was feeling vulnerable and open to change - finally willing to see myself in a new way and reckon with parts of myself that I hadn't been before. I remembered what my buddy had always said about me seeming Really Aromantic, and I let it settle on me. how would I feel, if I actually was aromantic? how would it change my life, how I thought about myself?

and if I can use a cliche with you? it felt like a weight rolling off my shoulders. I suddenly had a whole sturdy base to build a better understanding of myself on, an easy way to justify the way I lived that didn't require throwing myself under a bus.

thinking of myself through the lens of aromanticism felt like a huge, HUGE relief, and frankly I think that, more than anything, is the best way for anyone to decide if they should be applying any identity label to themselves. which brings us back to you! I actually don't believe in the model of sexuality and gender that posits a secret innate Right Answer buried in each person that they'll discover if the just find the right terminology. all of the words we use are the result of our time and place, right? people like us existed all through history with different words for themselves, and they'll exist way after us calling themselves things we can't imagine.

so basically: I came to realize I was aromantic because calling myself aromantic felt like loving myself, and if that's the case for you than I strongly recommend you do it, too.

happy pride xoxo

[cookinguptales]

in the continuing adventures of "body, please be normal" I've been dealing with pretty awful GI symptoms for the past month, and they have finally resolved themselves in a frankly bewildering fashion.

it feels gross to talk about, but I guess it was other people being gross and talking about their own symptoms that helped me figure out what was going wrong with me so like. maybe this will help someone else.

(cut for talk about medical issues, particularly gerd, endometriosis, and mcas)

Now... I've been dealing with pretty severe acid reflux for several years now. It seems to be attached to hormonal changes in the body because it flares up when I'm on any kind of hormonal medication (including birth control) or my period is approaching. It tends to manifest in ENT symptoms because the acid gets up into my sinuses and it's a whole fucking mess.

(Best guess is that it's related to the endometriosis and potential internal scarring, but the docs are REALLY hesitant to open me up to see the extent of the scarring because the EDS means that I heal poorly.)

Since I came off hormonal birth control, it hasn't been nearly as bad. I used to have to take fairly high doses of omeprazole at all times, but now it seems to be sufficient to take small doses of famotidine when it flares once a month.

That said! It's been flaring more often and worse since late last year, and I've been experiencing a particularly bad flare that's lasted for about a month now. Not to be too graphic, but I've had pretty severe burns in my mouth and pretty extensive oral bleeding. It's been... not fun!

(plus other GI issues, but they've been relatively mild compared to the... blood...)

I've been taking both omeprazole and famotidine, my usuals, but it's barely made a dent in it. I have been, safe to say, In Hell, but I wasn't able to get an appointment with a doctor until late May so I've just been kind of putting up with it.

Yesterday I really wanted to go to a street festival and I was like... okay, who knows if I'll be able to eat anything because even broth and oatmeal have been making me sick, but we'll give it a try. And I took some allergy medicine because it's spring and -- it went away. All my symptoms went away.

I AM... BEWILDERED... but yeah like I took the allergy meds and my symptoms went from 90% down to like... maybe 10%. Not perfect, but very bearable. And when I took my acid reflux meds, it actually got a little worse...?

So today I am off all reflux medications and on quite a bit of allegra and I feel almost fine. I am incredibly bewildered. All I can figure is that this time, as opposed to my regular flares, things were caused by some kind of allergic reaction...? I'm not sure to what, as I haven't really done anything differently lately, but I guess it could just be environmental.

I googled and Dr. Google says that acid reflux can be triggered by allergies, which has me back in the "wait, is MCAS a thing that's been ruining my life??" place. It's a diagnosis that my doctors have been toying with, but I've never worried about it too much compared to the others. But I guess the GI issues I've been experiencing aren't too unusual to MCAS, where your body has weird heightened allergic reactions to a lot of things, so like. orz

I guess I have been so allergic to the universe that my body was trying to literally eat itself.

I'm still going to go to the GI doc in a few weeks and see what they have to say but like. I guess I just keep mainlining allegra for now. It's a thing I'll have to be careful with (allergy meds give me eye problems, so I guess I'll be doing eye drops 10x a day again) but it's better than the life I've been living! :')

I guess I'm just happy that I've found some kind of solution but like. jesus christ. what the heck.

[izzyshand]

hey, uh weird question, but I saw u reblog that thing about Izzy with that whip once and you said in the tags that you had sad headcanons about it 👀please share. For the canyon

* referencing this post btw.

hey ! it's not a weird question, honestly i'm flattered that anyone wants to hear my silly little opinions. so thank you for asking ! disclaimer that these are just my own personal thoughts regarding izzy's whip that he carries on his hip during the kraken era. they're all informed by (& i think consistent with) canon, but i do pull a lot of backstory out of thin air just for funsies.

first, we should note that flogging-as-punishment was more common aboard navy vessels than pirate ships during the age of piracy, though certainly not unheard of for pirates as well. we should also bear in mind that ed doesn't have any flogging scars, whereas izzy seems to have many. it is my personal headcanon that izzy was in the navy previously, & thus he likely earned lashings while in the navy, whereas ed did not.

& we could simply end there. or if you're me, you could look at the apparent several different layers of scarring on izzy's back, implying multiple separate floggings, & decide to make it Much Worse for fun !

one of the few pirates who does seem likely within the canon to dole out floggings as punishment was the notoriously cruel hornigold, who we know ed sailed with after joining piracy. we know that calico jack sailed with them as well (we don't see his back so we don't know if he has flogging scars), & i personally think that izzy must have sailed with them as well after deserting the navy in order to make the timeline of his sailing with ed for >20 years make sense.

considering that this puts them all in an environment where flogging was likely on the table, this makes it all the more compelling that ed's back is lash-free. especially given that i really don't see ed as the kind of person to never rebel, never once get into trouble (even while under calico jack's influence), never do a thing that warranted punishment from hornigold. however, given his trauma & hallucination-hornigold's behavior in the gravy basket, i think it's very possible that ed simply suffered other, more "creative" punishments under hornigold. & to that end, given ed's clear discomfort with violence, inflicting violence, especially on someone he was close to, would be a punishment in itself for ed.

what's more is that if we allow that perhaps ed was a gifted sailor & pirate who eventually excelled enough be appointed hornigold's quartermaster/first mate, it would then become part of ed's duties to dole out the punishments — including floggings. & at this point i think that you can see where i'm going with this.

in my mind, one of the reasons for the discrepancy in their flogging scars could be because izzy "took" ed's flogging punishments under hornigold's orders. while ed was the one holding the whip, it was absolutely meant to be punishment for both of them, with the dual purpose of punishment & helping to make ed "toughen up."

but what hornigold likely didn't know is that izzy is a masochist who actually likes the pain. & izzy is also an "if i can't be useful who am i" ass bitch who sees taking a flogging from & for ed as an act of service, & the responsibility of being the one to take on pain for him as a kind of intimacy. he's a fucked up lil guy who processed it in a fucked up way, & he didn't hate it all nearly as much as ed did, even tho he was the one that ended up bleeding.

which means that once they broke off from hornigold & ed became captain & izzy became his quartermaster/first mate, the floggings would have likely stopped. because of course they did, because ed hated them. & actually, it would become izzy's job to dole out punishments to a disobedient crew member. but the thing is that if ed didn't order a flogging (which he wouldn't, because he hated them), then i just don't think izzy would willingly dole them out.

this could be a whole separate post (which i'm sure others have already made better than i could), but i don't think izzy enjoys handing out physical violence. we see him engage in physical violence only when he feels it necessary, & prefers, like ed, to hide behind the threat of violence wherever possible. in s1 we see him threatening violence, & delegating violence to fang & ivan, & even using the powers of the navy to apply violence (which he argues as being "a humane way of ending things" for stede). but aside from the duel with stede & one light smack to black pete's head which doesn't appear to hurt & is played for laughs, he does nothing to personally harm anyone in s1 — an important distinction i think for someone whose last name is literally hands. & i'm firmly in the camp of thought that izzy is not a sadist, does not particularly enjoy inflicting violence, & does not want to be the person holding the whip. he would do it, if ed ordered it of him. but ed doesn't, so he doesn't.

so then we get to the referenced post & what is, to me, the ultimate question here : why then is izzy wearing the flogger during the kraken era, given that it was nowhere to be seen in s1 & does not stay after the kraken is gone? why does it come back out during the kraken era if izzy doesn't use it?

well, this could be many things. some people have pitched that ed started using it on izzy himself, but i'm not personally feeling that. ed doesn't like to hurt izzy, he only does it when he feels trapped or pushed into it, & flogging izzy would have been a traumatic thing for him to endure while on hornigold's ship. instead, i think that making izzy carry the whip is a way of ed calling out izzy's "weakness." in 1.10, izzy essentially called ed weak ("namby pamby"). in izzy's mind this meant that ed is no longer capable of inspiring fear & obedience in the crew, & thus incapable of keeping them safe. but what ed heard was "you are being too openly emotional &, crucially, not violent enough."

but ed is one of the only people that knows that izzy has a similar aversion to violence as he does. so ed making izzy carry the whip (which, i'm compelled to repeat, it would be izzy's duty as first mate to hand out punishments, including floggings) is like a constant reminder to izzy that he could use it on the crew, it's even his duty to use it on the crew. yet he won't. it's ed saying if i'm weak, then so are you. it's ed saying you want to be this? then be it, & making him confront the fact that he won't. it's ed daring izzy to do what he did, what izzy is now telling him to do again, & izzy failing to rise to his challenge. it's ed making izzy carry around a reminder of the simple fact that if ed is weak, then izzy is weak too.

the spectre of blackbeard, which izzy says was the both of them, was essentially a blanket threat of violence they used to protect themselves. & if you accept my backstory & headcanons for them, then when framed against the floggings that ed was forced to deliver unto izzy in their youth, we can see blackbeard as a through-line not only for the floggings of the past but for violence & piracy itself — something that izzy doesn't particularly like any more than ed does, but clings to out of fear long after ed was ready to be rid of it all.

[reidslovely]

I have no idea if 'asks' have a character limit so if I get cut off there's potential for more...

I'd like to begin at the beginning because the mob!peter world has several stories and w/o knowing exactly when/how it all came to be or if they're related etc, here goes, starting with 'Flirting':

What are the particulars concerning this business gala at which Peter and Reader meet?

Peter seems to operate in a murky area of legitimate and quasi-legal operations, so in what capacity is he attending? Any rivals also present (guy hitting on Reader notwithstanding)

Why is Reader there?

What was Reader's drink that Peter so thoughtfully refilled? How long was he stalking her attentive he was to notice her glass was empty among other things...

What was Reader wearing and in what way did she and Peter 'match'? You're the writer, but I confess that mob!peter in a suit makes me think things that would make Ed Sheeran blush like a tomato.

What play did they see?

From your excellent series That's The Price & the other piece, Nothing Good Ever Happens:

Is the Peter in these works the same as the Peter above? (the hydrangeas were not a coincidence in other words)

If so, what is the timeline with respect to the business gala, the wedding and the engagement ring being stolen?

What did Reader and Peter talk about during their unchaperoned park 'date'?

What type of wedding band do they each wear?

What is the name of Gwen and Harry's newborn? I can't recall it being mentioned.

Is Felicia single? Do any of the other women run a business (arising from Peter's view on gender roles and curious as to whether that plays out across the other characters)

Questions regarding the honeymoon, etc (I know how the birds and bees work):

Any idea in mind where in Italy? Near the coast (surfing) I assume, perhaps Amalfi? Side note: Still giggling over "Italy makes you mean, dove."

What was her fruity drink?

Did Reader have a boy or a girl?

Am I correct in thinking that When My Time Comes and the loose followup are a different mob!peter verse so to speak? It's all good, I'm mostly making certain if they are distinct that I place the characters in the proper world. I love getting into the weeds with stories that writers create; thank you for indulging me!

Whew that was long! Have a Campari and orange on me!

AHHHH I LOVE THESE QUESTIONS!!!!!

Following your lead and starting with Flirting

In my idea it was that the business gala was being held by the Osborn's. Both families being invalid in the mafia use it as a chance to mingle, make business deals. However, being the dickhead Norman Osborn is he fronts it as a Osborn charity and just funnels the money into his and his business partners money...one of them being Peter Parker.

Peter has his hands in a lot of different businesses in his area. However, he like any good mafia man got his start drug trades specifically getting pharmaceuticals into the hands of dealers which low-key helps people who can't afford prescriptions. But as he grew and his money grew that just became one way profit came in. He's done arms dealings, which by that he found himself pretty interested in being a hitman. But now he just gets to play boss and that's the big reason he's there. Looking out at his competition, seeing who he need to befriend (or take out) and making his presence known...basically marking his territory in the most nonchalant way. And yes rivals are present which is why he has to let everyone know he's there.

Reader is a friend of the Osborns. She also comes from a family who's dealt in and with the mob. Her father ran circles with Osborn for years and it's just the culture she grew up in.

Peter noticed Reader from the moment she stepped in on Gwen's arm. He was lurking behind or at least near her half the night trying to figure out how to approach her. Then he noticed her glass had been empty for about 20 minutes, and he'd learned throughout the night she never changed her drink: which was a very simple Long Island iced tea made with a cherry coke.

So we know this iconic suit. Reader was wearing something similar to this in my mind but more to the purple tone of his coat and a nice slit in the leg.

They go and see the phantom of the opera. Peter came into tickets from a friend and he'd never seen it and reader loved every moment of it cause she'd never been to a play/musical before.

That's the Price and Nothing Good Ever Happens

The Peter from these piece could be the Peter from Flirting. But to me they are two different versions of Peter. Also hydrangeas are never coincidental- because they're my favorite flower thus they are readers also. But if you do read flirting as a part of the That's the Price/Nothing Good Ever Happens universe it would fit in right before Peter agrees to the marriage and the dates become chaperoned and reader finds her self upset at Peter for arranging a marriage and barely even knowing her.

I'm not sure how the timeline would work since in my head they aren't a big fic. I would guess it would be: the gala a couple weeks later Peter and Tony (readers father) agree to a marriage, Reader becomes upset with Peter but moves into the house, married they do trade bands but send it out to get engraved cause that's a Parker tradition. The engagement ring gets stolen two weeks post honeymoon.

Now this is having Flirting not at all apart of this canon. At first they talk about their future together. What they'll do, how much of the business Reader will participate in because what is Peter's is hers and vice versa. But it goes into the more dreamy things. Asking Peter what he'd do if he got to have a normal life (he says he'd be a scientist or a science teacher and reader says she'd be hair stylist or a painter) What they'll name their kids, and what they're dream house looks like.

Peter splurged on the engagement ring and its matching band. green diamond with a solid gold band to match. Reader struggled to pick out Peter's because why are mens wedding bands so boring? So she got one she thought matched hers.

Gwen and Harry have a little girl named Daphne

Yes Felicia is very single and she plans on staying that way. Felicia basically is Peter's business partner no matter what Harry says and he basically runs everything through her as well. Peter will work with Silver Sable on occasion who is obvious a trained mercenary but also a great arms dealer.

Honeymoon Edition

I pictured Capo Mannu which I believe is in Sardinia. It's very pretty and apparently great for surfing from what I read. (Italy makes you mean, dove - the best line I've ever written.)

Reader's favorite fruity drink is a daiquiri. I myself am a strawberry daiquiri girl if I want a fruity drink but I see her as being a pineapple or peach girl.

OHHHHH I love this. So they have twins! A boy named Benjamin that they nick name Benji and then they have a girl name Estella or Stella for short.

When My Time Comes is basically my mob!Peter rebirth. So most, if said otherwise, my mob!Peter stuff will follow that continuity now. So married straight out of high school both still young in their late twenties. Peter in this timeline wasn't born into the mob he was kind thrown into it when he realized Spider-Man wasn't going to solve the problem from the outside and then he got in and realized that not only could he support himself doing this he could get to the bad guys easier.

See you asked another set of question. I'm gonna eat my parmesan crusted chicken and then get to those because this is literally my favorite thing. I love talking about this stuff.