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eightmakesonebraincell · 6 days

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ateez as pirates who fall for you (maknae line)

read hyung line here

genre: pirate!ateez x gn!reader (fem!reader for jongho), fluff, angst, continuation of the pirate trope brainrot (but i must say i went all out for the plots this time)

length: 14.4k

c/w: heavy and mature themes - mdni, explicit language (swearing), death, violence, blood & injuries, weapons, illegal acts (piracy, attempted murder), alcohol, near-drowning, angst bc i mean angst, specific c/w for mingi’s au: hurt/comfort, allusions to depression

a/n: i’m very sad i never got to use this joke somewhere so - why are pirates called pirates? because they just arrrr 🙈🙉🙊 also to those who like connecting dots and whatnot there are a few easter eggs related to hyung line 🥚 big thanks to yumi @sorryimananti-romantic for getting me through the last three months of trying to work and write bc it’s been a ship time ha ha 😬👍

taglist: at the end

san

pov: you run away with san and the cromer

through your waning breath, you reach a trembling hand up to cup san’s jaw

“s-san, don’t do it”

he lets out a racking sob as he shakes his head, expression marred with agony and torment that you can physically feel in his white-knuckled grasp that covers your own hand

the tears that drip off his jaw become lost to the ground, which is damp from moisture and your blood

you swallow the metallic taste in your mouth, “the cromer isn’t meant for changing fate.” it hurts to take a breath and you wince as you stutter. “it never goes th- the way you want it to…you know that by now”

san’s voice is broken and pained, “i don’t fucking care. it’s not going to stop me from trying”

he grips your hand even tighter when he starts to feel it fall away from his cheek

it’s becoming tiring to keep your eyes open

maybe you can rest…just for a little bit

san will forgive you, right?

you close your eyes

just for a little while

just until the pain stops

faintly, you think you can feel your body being jostled against something warm

but it’s far away

far away

far

san clutches your limp body as he lets out a primal wail of anguish

you cannot die

you will not die

he snatches the glowing hourglass and flips it with desperation screaming in every cell of his body

and then his world goes white.

you don’t notice when the footsteps behind you suddenly fall silent

you’re too busy reasoning with the captain, whose back you are facing as he walks ahead and leads your crew further into the dim tunnels of the cave

“it’s much safer if we go over the mountain. we’ll have the advantage of higher ground to ambush the horizon”

your captain, taesung, doesn’t look at you when he answers over his shoulder, “it’s much quicker through the tunnels. we don’t have the luxury of time if we want to attack their crew before they leave the island”

“and what if they attack - the horizon can easily ambush us as long as they’ve got the cave’s exit guarded”

you immediately turn around to look at san, knowing that he’ll support your argument

only to find that he’s not there

he’s several metres behind the back of the group and frozen to the spot

even in the shadowed darkness of the musty cave, you can clearly see the ashen and shaken features of his face

approaching him slowly, your fire torch held out in front of you, you gently call, “san?”

at the sound of your voice, his eyes lock onto yours

he looks terrified

san is lost in a distorted warp of visions

he can’t make sense of nor connect what he’s seeing

but there is blood

there’s so much blood

it’s everywhere

you’re there

it’s your blood

there’s someone screaming; raw with despair

he’s screaming

the ground digs into his knees and he feels wet and sticky from your blood but also his tears and there are so many tears and the walls are cold from moisture and it’s so dark and musty even with the smell of iron in the air and god you’re dying

you’re going to die

“san?” you repeat, now in front of him and tenderly cupping his jaw

and san has to stop you from dying

his pupils focus on you once again before he desperately tries to gain his bearings

he looks around with increasing franticness

he’s in a cave and the only light he can see comes from the torch you’re holding and the others shared amongst the crew

water drips from the ceiling and along the rugged walls towards the damp ground, filling the cave with a stale and mouldy smell

all his senses scream the same thing to him

it’s just like when you died

his own voice sounds foreign to him when he manages to choke out, “let’s listen to captain”

your eyebrows pinch together at san’s sudden compliance, especially more so when he lowers the volume of his next words so that you’re the only one who can hear his soft don’t argue with him

there’s something about the way he silently pleads with his eyes that makes you nod numbly

you slip the hand that isn’t holding the torch into his and prompt him to walk again with a light tug forward towards the rest of the crew, who are not too far ahead

when the both of you have nearly caught up, san readjusts his hand in your grasp so that his is atop of yours

and so you two walk, san leading you with a sturdy hand; a line of defence between you and the rest of the crew…and the depths of the cave

the thin sheet of cotton that you lay upon does little to soften the discomfort of the cave’s floor as you and the crew prepare for a few hours of sleep, but your pillow makes up for it

your head is cushioned by san’s thigh, who’s seated upright against the wall after offering to keep watch

he’s gazing down at you with a tender smile as he slowly runs his fingers through your hair like a soothing lullaby

your eyes scan his, still trying to catch any changes in his expression that could possibly explain his strange demeanour from earlier

you want to ask him what’s wrong but there’s only so much privacy you can get in a cave with the rest of your crew

instead, you give his hand a squeeze

san’s smile fades a little and you wonder whether it’s the illusion of the light and shadows from the torches that makes his face look so gaunt

his eyes flicker around guiltily and then he looks at you whilst reciprocating your squeeze

he’s mouthing something, you realise

do you trust me?

you tighten your fingers around his in reassurance

with my life

the dimpled caverns return to san’s cheeks, and then he’s whispering to you softly, “sleep”

you don’t recall dozing off, but you must not have been asleep for very long before you’re woken by a light shake to your shoulder

the groggy mumble that starts to leave your lips is hushed by a warm kiss on your forehead

you’re met with the sight of san holding a finger against his lips when you open your eyes and your brain struggles to comprehend what’s happening

there’s a faint glow coming from under his bulging shirt, which could only be one thing

the cromer

as your neurons start firing again, you come to the realisation that apart from you and san, nobody else is awake yet

quietly, he helps you up to your feet

the silent question he asked before you fell asleep replays in your head, and although it does nothing to clear up your confusion, it helps to ease your anxiety because you meant it when you mouthed your response

you trust san with your life

so you turn away from your crew members and start walking, each step deliberate and careful, your hand clutched safely within san’s while he retraces your steps from today

and when san deems you two far enough and out of immediate danger of being caught, he pulls the cromer out of his shirt to use as a makeshift torch

you both make a run for it

when you emerge out of the cave’s entrance hours later, thighs burning from the strain, you almost stumble to your hands and knees from the blinding brightness of the afternoon sun

san tightens his hold on you and urges, “this way, love”

together, you climb the outcrop on the left and disappear further into the mountains because you can’t afford to rest near the cave

few words are exchanged as san nimbly navigates the rickety ledges and overgrown roots, muscles flexing as he pushes forward and helps you with an extended hand

you realise soon after that whilst he leads you two away from the cave, he travels parallel to the edges of the mountain trees - a guideline that keeps the long port of the island just within sight

“san,” you finally break the silence to point towards an overhang you spot, “we should take a break”

he’s sweating from exertion and lack of sleep, so he nods with a grateful smile and leads you towards it

the rock provides a decent amount of shade and conceals you two well enough with the surrounding greenery

only when he sits with a sigh does he finally let go of your hand after hours of holding on

you know that he’s one for constant physical affection, but this…this feels different

it’s like he’s afraid that you will slip away the moment he lets go of you

you turn to look at him

“san, what exactly is going on?”

he’s quiet

he doesn’t know how to tell you - is there even a way to package his next words prettily?

letting out a stuttering breath, san puts it blankly on the table, “i saw you die in my arms”

you’re stunned into silence and your throat feels even drier than before

“was it…” you dare to ask, “was it going to happen in the cave?”

he nods, “i just suddenly saw it and it felt so real. it- it was dark and wet and the smell - the smell was just awful and-”

“hey, hey, san. it’s okay, we’re not in the cave anymore,” you soothe, pressing your forehead to his

you feel him relax under your touch before he tilts his head to kiss your lips

“yeah,” he sighs against you, “you’re right”

when you pull away, the faint glow under his shirt catches your eyes

“why did you bring the cromer?”

if it had only been you and san missing from the crew, taesung might not have bothered going after the two of you

but with the missing cromer too, the captain will spend the rest of his life tracking it down - tracking you two down - if that’s what it will take

taesung isn’t stupid enough to just let go of the cromer and the inexplicable power it holds to travel between dimensions

san shimmies the hourglass out of his shirt and holds it carefully in his hands, “i need a fail-proof safety net, just in case something goes wrong and…i still don’t end up saving you”

“a safety net?” an uneasy feeling settles in your stomach, “san? what are you not telling me?”

he runs his fingers along the metal casing over and over again as he avoids looking at you

“i…i’ve used it before,” san finally admits, “i used the cromer to bring you back to life”

without thinking, you blurt, “it’s only meant for travelling between dimensions. nobody knows what the repercussions are if you try to mess with fate!”

“well, i did it.” he snaps, “you’re here, alive, and i would do it again and again to save you”

at his words, you soften

because san didn’t just see you die

he lived through seeing you die

you can’t even begin to imagine if you had been the one to experience san die in your arms

“i’m sorry,” you apologise. “thank you for saving me, and for loving me”

san’s eyes are red when he looks at you, “i’m sorry, too, for snapping at you. i know this is a lot for you to process”

you shake your head with your own watery smile

“i’m alive, and i promise i’ll stay alive”

“and i promise i’ll keep you alive,” he nudges your cheek with a playful peck

you laugh, because san makes you happy even in the most uncertain of times, and you ask, “what’s the plan now?”

“find a ship that’s willing to get us the hell out of here”

he makes a move to stand and you place your hand on the ground to push yourself up to your feet too

except your hand shifts with your weight and you end up cutting your palm open on the sharp edge of the rocks

hissing, you draw your hand back towards your chest

“shit, let me have a look,” san drops to his knees and takes your hand in his

he gently blows away the soil and rubble around your wound as you wince

it’s nothing too serious, but it’s deep enough that blood immediately begins to pool in the broken skin and seep further out onto your palm

the glow of the cromer pulses

“san,” you start when you see the cogs moving in his head

he removes one hand to pull the cromer out and presents it to the both of you

“i’m not losing you to infection from a cut, not after everything that we’ve done so far to get to here,” he quips

there’s only time to let out an exasperated sigh before he’s taking your good hand to turn the cromer together

your world goes white

the next moment when you open your eyes after blinking, you’re still there resting under the overhang in the mountain forest

san’s sitting next to you, the only sign of the cromer a faint glow under his shirt

and your hand…

there’s no cut

your head whips towards san and his eyes widen when he sees the unbroken skin of your palm

san makes a move to stand, but this time, he gathers your hands and pulls you up with him

“it worked,” you breathe out once you’re on your feet

“it worked!” san repeats, engulfing you into a crushing hug

the amount of relief he feels is uncontainable, because the cut is reassurance that he can change fate with the cromer

in high spirits, san tucks it back into the safety of his shirt after wrapping it in a length of sash and then he secures it snugly under his belt

you two need to look the part of inconspicuous travellers, and a glowing hourglass would most definitely draw unwanted attention

you and san cut through the back streets and alleyways of the small village that separates the mountain and the coast, keeping an eye out for not only your crew members - or ex-crew, you suppose - but also the members of the horizon

“remember,” san whispers into your ear as you both approach port, “if anyone asks, i’m your husband and we’re travelling merchants”

you’re too nervous to answer but you nod anyway, letting san take the lead once again

with the confidence of somebody most definitely not lying, san strides up to a sailor who is yelling at his men to load the crates faster and spins a story right out of his ass

somehow, san manages to concoct a convincing recount of how your goods were stolen by thieves, leaving you both without any means of making money, so now you are left with no choice but to go back to your hometown which happens to be on the way to the ship’s destination, which you know because you overheard the sailors talking earlier

when the sailor glances in your direction, you try to nurse your expression into one of simultaneous distress and gratitude in hopes of selling the story even further

he simply stares at the both of you and you think that he’s going to turn down your request, but then the sailor gives a sweet smile and extends his hand out in greeting, “daeho. welcome aboard”

that��s how you and san find yourselves in the ship’s hold, legs crossed side by side on the wooden floor and surrounded by a multitude of crates and barrels

neither of you realise that you’re holding your breaths and it’s not due to the stale air in the poorly ventilated hold

only when the shout of “anchors aweigh” is heard and the ship slowly starts to pull away from the dock do you finally relax, the feeling of hope slowly seeping into your bodies

because all that’s left now is to wait for the ship to dock at the next port and then you and san can disappear and start a new life

at the notion of safety, your stomach finally calls for attention with a grumble

san teases, “sounds like someone needs a bit of food,” just as his stomach answers with a growl of its own

you break out into laughter and pull him up with you to snoop inside the crates for something edible

lifting the lid to one of the crates, you peer inside to find what looks like a layer of burlap

you reach down with a hand to remove the covering and dig deeper, only to jerk your arm back when you feel the burning pain of a cut

“oh fuck, what?” you hiss as you look into the crate again, “why the hell are there so many knives?”

san is beside you within a split second, already turning you around to cradle your hand in his

the cut extends across your palm and there’s something sickening yet eerily familiar about the way the blood rapidly starts to pool and seep past the broken skin

goosebumps spread across your body when it hits you

“san,” you look up at him with a trembling voice, hardly audible over the pounding of your heart, “it’s the same cut”

his eyes bore into yours with reflected horror when your words sink in

because if it really is the same cut, then that means-

san’s attention suddenly shifts to behind you and that’s the last thing you register before your head explodes with blinding pain

your world turns black.

there’s a ceaseless hammering in your skull when you regain some semblance of awareness and it takes all of your willpower not to let the throb drag you back into unconsciousness

you open your eyes with a groan, trying to clear your vision, only to find san still out cold on the floor beside you

you scrabble closer towards him and brush his fringe out of his eyes

“san,” you shake him a little, “san, wake up”

his mouth tightens into a grimace as he’s slowly brought back to consciousness at the sound of your voice

“fuck…they hit hard,” he props himself up with another curse before he asks you in a panic, “are you hurt?”

you start to shake your head but then think better of it, “my head hurts like a bitch, but i’m okay”

san pulls you into his chest and wraps his arms around you

you let yourself sink into the safety of his embrace, pretending that everything is okay even if just for a moment

“i’m sorry, i’m so sorry,” san repeats the apology into the crown of your head

you can’t do anything but return hushed whispers of comfort and hug him tighter

a sudden clang draws you out of his arms as you both turn in the direction of the sound

that’s when you realise you’re no longer in the hold

you’re in a cell

the brig of the ship is much darker and the air is suffocatingly musty from the lack of ventilation and the perpetually damp floors and walls

damp from what exactly, you really don’t want to know

you hear the heavy thud of boots amplifying as the person approaches your cell, your eyes straining to make out their face in the dark

they squat in front of your bars

the sweet smile on daeho’s face makes him look crazed now and you shrink back to put some distance between you two

“did you have a good rest?” he asks, sounding genuinely curious

at san’s seething growl of anger, daeho raises his hands up in faux surrender and states, “i just want the cromer”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” san glowers

the other man wriggles his fingers at san’s waist, “you’re not very good at hiding it in your shirt”

almost as if it knows it is being talked about, the cromer flashes from under the layers of cloth

“why didn’t you just take it from us earlier,” you bite out

daeho clicks his tongue with a disappointed smile, “but then where’s the fun in that?”

he stretches a hand out and waits with his palm upturned just outside of the cell bars

“now give it to me,” he demands

san stares in retaliation, not once looking away as he slowly reaches for the cromer

he takes it out of his shirt and unwraps the sash from around it, then starts to extend the hourglass out towards daeho’s hand

as you watch with bated breath, you notice the subtle tightening of san’s grip around the metal casing and you realise he intends to flip it

except you’re not the only one who comes to the same conclusion

you see the exact moment the facade drops from daeho’s face and is replaced by his true derangement

the hand by the pistol at his side starts to move

but so do you

this time, everything turns red as the scorching heat of pain paralyses your entire body

the cromer falls to the floor at the same time as you do

from outside the cell, daeho laughs viciously, but it’s drowned out by the agonising cry that comes out of san’s chest

san desperately gathers you in his arms, hands pressing against the bullet hole to stem the blood flow

but there is so much blood

it’s everywhere

the ground digs into his knees and he’s wet and sticky from your blood but also from his own tears and there are so many tears and even with the pungent smell of iron in the air he can still smell the mustiness of the cell and he can’t get enough oxygen into his lungs because god you’re dying

and he’s suddenly struck with the heart-wrenching thought

did he unwittingly condemn you to your own fate?

or is it like the cut on your palm - is he unable to change fate no matter what decisions he makes differently?

the sob that wrenches itself out of san hurts you more than anything

“i love you,” you say, because your words are numbered and you want them all to be san’s

he shakes his head furiously, “shut up, you’re going to be fine”

your words come out effortfully, “please, i want to hear you say it one last time”

“fuck,” san buries his face in your shoulder, “i love you so, so much. i can’t live without you”

he pulls back heartbroken, “i can still change this”

through your waning breath, you reach a trembling hand up to cup san’s jaw

“s-san, don’t do it”

he lets out a racking sob as he shakes his head again, expression marred with agony and torment that you can physically feel in his white-knuckled grasp that covers your own hand

the tears that drip off his jaw become lost to the damp ground

san’s voice is broken and pained, “i don’t fucking care. it’s not going to stop me from trying”

he grips your hand even tighter when he starts to feel it fall away from his cheek

it’s becoming tiring to keep your eyes open

maybe you can rest…just for a little bit

san will forgive you, right?

you close your eyes

just for a little while

just until the pain stops

faintly, you think you can feel your body being jostled against something warm

but it’s far away

far away

far

san clutches your limp body as he lets out a primal wail of anguish

you cannot die

you will not die

he snatches the glowing hourglass and flips it with desperation screaming in every cell of his body

and then his world goes white.

mingi

pov: you're the crew's surgeon

you have all the time in the world to yourself

the recent raid was successful - the other vessel had surrendered quickly without putting up a fight and your ship is now well stocked up from the loot of supplies

hongjoong has promised the crew shore leave, a vacation of sorts, and so you and the crew are travelling to port malthov, a haven island for pirates

it’ll take about a week to arrive

and without a foreseeable raid or run-in with enemy vessels, there is no need for your medical duties

which is a good thing, really

but it also means that you have a lot of time

and time is your worst enemy

time is time alone with your own thoughts, time alone with your internal demons, and right now, your mind is a sinkhole of them and you are the very thing being pulled into its depths

you’re sprawled out on the upper deck, arms and legs splayed like a physical manifestation of your efforts to reach the edges of the sinkhole and hold on

you think to yourself that it’s reassuring when you can see blood

because it’s visible, physical, and you can fix it

step one, rinse the area with clean water

step two, disinfect the wound

step three, remove any foreign objects or dead skin

step four, suture as required for nastier injuries

step five, wrap a clean cloth over, under, over, under, then fasten

there’s a procedure and it makes sense

but when it’s invisible, what do you do?

there are no medical diagrams, procedures or journals that teach you how to heal your own hurt

you may be the crew’s surgeon, but you wonder how qualified you truly are if you can’t even fix yourself

the skies are clear today and the sun shines down directly on your exposed skin

it’s uncomfortable but you don’t move, limbs feeling just a little too strung tight to cooperate

you don’t think you have the energy to do much more than to just lie there and exist

and the burn of the sunlight is kind of nice

it tells you that you’re still alive - even if the feeling of living is pain

that’s where mingi finds you twenty minutes later, his face upside down as he leans over to look at your face-

only to very nearly drop a block of wood right onto you

“oh, shit,” he fumbles as the multitude of items he is carrying to his chest falls and clatters onto the deck around your head

you jolt up to save yourself from a bruised forehead and eye him, curiosity well and truly piqued

with a huff, he piles everything in front of you, followed by himself as he sits cross-legged in front of you

he looks suspiciously hopeful and expectant

“can you carve me another dolphin?”

months ago, you had tried carving ornamental animals out of small scraps of wood left over from a hull repair

most of your carvings had turned out hideous and you had tossed them overboard, but mingi had not stopped following you and begging until you gave him one

you could barely even call it a dolphin, but for some reason, he has kept it since like it’s something valuable

“i already made you one,” you start

but he protests, “i lost him!”

you blink

nevermind. maybe not so valuable

“...you lost it?”

you’re not sure whether you’re disappointed or relieved that it’s forever gone to the void

“i lost him, yes. so can you please carve me a new one?”

you blink once more and he looks back at you with wide, pleading eyes

“fine, pass me the knife,” you finally relent

he grins, handing something that feels quite familiar into your outstretched hand

“are these my scalpels?!” you clutch them defensively to your chest. “mingi, i am not carving wood with these”

mingi breaks out into pleased laughter, crescent eyes and gaping mouth as he produces a pocket knife that you can actually use

“you’re ridiculous,” you tell him, setting your medical instruments safely to one side, but you don’t really mean it

you bring the blade of the pocket knife to the edge of the wood and start whittling away

you expect mingi to get up and leave you to your devices, except he doesn’t

he stays and asks you question after question about the carving

which part are you working on now?

how do you shape the tail?

what was the first thing you tried to carve?

if you could carve something else after this, what would it be?

and it goes on for hours - as the wood gradually takes shape of the animal, as the harsh sun lowers and is replaced by the cool breeze of evening

…as mingi fills up your sinkhole and you are no longer grasping at the edges to stay afloat

it happens without you even realising, but he lets you take refuge in him from your own thoughts

and later that night, when the crew are preparing to sleep for the night, mingi will place the newly-carved dolphin at the head of his hammock

he will itch to rummage through the small chest that holds his personal belongings and treasures

he will want to unwrap the small object he has hidden away at the very bottom of his chest and put it side by side with the dolphin

but he won’t, because otherwise you’ll see the two dolphins and realise that he was lying about having lost the first one, so he’ll opt to keep it hidden

mingi thinks that he might even ask you to carve him something else tomorrow

he’ll say that his dolphin needs somebody by its side

what he won’t say though, is that he knows you need somebody by your side

and if he can offer you a few hours of mindlessness while you carve with him beside you, then he’ll ask you to make him a whole aquarium of animals

but that’s tomorrow

for now, he lets you rest on him, and you find that it doesn’t seem quite as hard to exist anymore

because sometimes, even surgeons need their own healers

you don’t have another bad day that week

technically, they’re all still bad days, but they aren’t as bad

but as it is with your luck, it all comes back to drag you underwater when the arriba pulls into port malthov and lowers its anchor

of all days, your head feels foggy, your body feels empty and your lungs feel laboured

you’re not even sad

you’re just…hollow

and the worst part is that you have absolutely no reason to be feeling this way

being up in the crow’s nest for once has given you the perfect vantage point to watch as the majority of the crew precariously run off the gangplank with whoops and hollers, splitting off to explore the town

their excitement is infectious - to everybody but you

instead, you had offered to take over yeosang’s lookout duties so that he could go to the town’s tavern

you’ve already rotted the morning and most of the afternoon away and your stomach grumbles in protest at having skipped both meals

it knows that you probably won’t be eating dinner either

“y/n,” a voice calls out to you from the deck, “are you not going into town?”

you peer over the edge of the nest and find mingi’s small form, his head craned upwards in your direction

“lookout duties,” you simply say

but mingi calls your bluff

“the whole point of shore leave is that we all get time off. captain’s still on board to make sure our ship doesn’t catch on fire or some shit, don’t worry”

when you still don’t make a move, mingi starts to climb up the rigging and you startle to your feet

“heavens, okay, i’m coming down”

he’s banned from rigging duties for a reason

when you land on the upper deck, he looks awfully smug with himself

he asks, “can we go eat seafood? not fish, but like the good stuff”

“since when did you like seafood?”

“always?”

mingi did not always like seafood but you let it slide

he guides you across the gangplank and towards the bustling streets of the town, keeping you tucked closely into his side

almost like he knows you’re feeling more fragile than usual

you two come across a market and he tells you to find a table in the outdoor seating area

when he returns to you after a while, both his hands are stacked with platters of shrimp, some crabs and even a lobster

“mingi, what-?” you break out into an astounded laugh

you can’t even find it in yourself to finish your sentence because it looks like he’s bought enough food to feed half your crew

he sets the plates down in front of you, one by one, until you can barely see the table itself

and you watch, still incredulous, as he picks up a steamed shrimp, meticulously peeling off the shells that he discards onto his plate

…before placing the peeled shrimp onto the plate in front of you

“eat,” he encourages

mingi picks up another shrimp to peel, looking away from you so as not to pressure you

but he can’t help but look and smile widely when you do eventually bring the food up to your mouth and take a bite

it tastes good

shrimp has always been one of the things you miss the most when you’re sailing and as the salty taste of the ocean spreads across your tongue, you start to feel your appetite returning

by the time you’ve swallowed, there’s already another shrimp on your plate, peeled and ready for eating

mingi smiles knowingly when you groan around your next bite

the sun may have already started to disappear into the horizon, but right now with mingi’s plate piling up with discarded shells and yours with juicy shrimp meat, the hollow cavity in your chest slowly filling with warmth, the sun is only just starting to rise for you

and mingi will keep filling your plate until your sun has fully risen into the sky

because sometimes, healing needs the help of an extra pair of hands

the day before your crew is scheduled to leave port malthov, you find yourself sitting on the sandy shores of the coastline, far away from where the arriba is docked

the wind tugs at your hair and the hems of your clothing in the direction of the ocean

you wonder what it would be like to just let yourself go and float along with the wind

your thoughts are interrupted by the soft squeaks of bare feet in the sand approaching you and mingi lowers himself down to sit by your side

no matter where you hide, he somehow always finds you

you give him a small smile when he calls your name in greeting, but it’s all you can really manage to do

it’s hard for you to talk today

but he already knows that

“can i tell you a story?” mingi isn’t really asking you

without waiting for a response he knows you can’t give, he starts to talk

“i don’t think i’ve told you about the time when yunho and i went skinny-dipping at night. i swear we saw the kraken that night”

he has told you this story before

more times than you can count on your fingers and toes combined - to the point where you have some of his exact phrases and expressions memorised

mingi knows he’s told you this story before

but he drones on anyway, adding his usual touches of dramatic flair and exaggerated details - words that he hopes keep you grounded to the spot so that you don’t disappear with the wind

(“did you know that yunho’s chest goes red when he screams in fright?”)

you want to make silly little comments about his silly little story

you want to laugh in harmony with mingi’s own rumbling sounds

except you can’t

it’s like whatever you want to say goes through a paper shredder right before it comes out of your mouth

and mingi knows

but he is willing to take all the time in the world to tape your words back together, shredded piece by shredded piece, until he can make you feel heard and seen

and even if you don’t talk, he is there to do enough talking for the both of you

some things don’t need to be said - he understands either way

because sometimes, healing looks like walking backwards on any progress that’s been made and that’s okay

after all…mingi’s been there before, too

the arriba sets sail again and hongjoong allows the crew one last night of rest before your usual duties resume

the stock of fresh produce and meat won’t last for longer than a couple of days anyway, so you all feast your stomach’s fill of food and alcohol

someone brings out an accordion and you all gather together on the upper deck as jongho sings to the music, background filled with the lively rattling of shared plates and mugs being passed around

the air is chilly but it’s crisp and fresh whenever you take a breath of it into your lungs

where being with the multitude of your crew usually makes you feel lonely, tonight, it feels okay

and from beside you, mingi sings along quietly to the music

his voice is not like jongho’s, which is soulful, emotional and powerful

mingi’s voice is deep, honest and raw as he sings the lyrics to the song of a man who is drowning and yearning to be saved

he looks at you during the last bridge, when the key changes from sorrowful to hopeful and the words tell of a man who is saved by his lover

you smile back at him, genuinely content in this moment

and even if it is only briefly, even if you will still have bad days in the future, you think that today is a good day

because healing takes form in all different ways, and being loved is one of them

maybe one day, mingi will be able to confess that he loves you

when he’s confident that you’ll be able to accept his love

not in the way where he expects you to reciprocate the same feelings for him, no

but in the way where you are able to accept the fact that you are worthy of being loved

there are no medical diagrams, procedures or journals that teach you how to heal your own hurt

but you have mingi and he is making one for you

it’s written with the ink of love on the very pages of his own heart and he will not stop writing until the day you are well and truly happy

and even if it takes forever?

well

mingi’s got a huge fucking heart

and it’s all yours

wooyoung

pov: you find a stowaway on your ship

“we’re headed off course again”

“again?” you look at your helmsman with furrowed brows

yunho nods, sighing out his next words, “i can’t get a read on north. the needle keeps flickering”

you look at the compass that’s mounted at the helm and true to his words, the tip of the arrow seesaws back and forth over the cardinal point

a quick glance down tells you that the newer compass you’ve got in your pocket is also behaving in the same manner, needle twitching despite the practised steadiness of your hands

so you know for sure that it’s not a fault in the instrument at the helm itself

but even if it were to be faulty, you would never replace it

not when it’s one of the only things you have remaining of your parents after they perished at sea

“maybe we should ask him,” yunho suggests, beckoning his head towards the deck

although seonghwa hums thoughtfully, having joined you both at the helm mid-conversation, you look at him incredulously

“you trust that person?”

yunho shrugs, “it’s not like he’s given us a reason to not trust him”

well

considering said man had been found stowing away in the cargo five days after your ship had left alcarres, who then also tried to plead for mercy by reasoning that he was ‘valuable’, you think that there’s plenty of reasons to not trust him

yunho rectifies his argument once he sees the pinched expression on your face, “as in, since we’ve found him on board”

you close your eyes and exhale

admittedly, yunho has a point

and there’s been one too many times where the man has flippantly suggested navigational changes or casually observed shifts in the winds and waters - which all turned out to be accurate - for it to be sheer luck

you open your eyes and call out to the upper deck

“stowaway”

yunho winces as seonghwa chides you with a slight elbow to your side at your choice of name, or lack thereof

said man looks at you from where he’s helping san and yeosang swab the deck, mouth tightening with wariness

the last time you had spoken the same word, it was along with an order to throw him into the brig with his wrists bound behind his back

but considering that that was the extent of his punishment for stowing away on your ship and he is now mingling amongst your crew with minimal security measures on your orders too, really, he’s gotten off scot-free

the stowaway approaches the quarterdeck with hesitant steps

you jerk your head towards the helm, “help yunho navigate the rest of the way to vlasgar. just until we can dock and work out what’s wrong with the compasses''

despite the curtness of your order, his face scrunches up into an enthusiastic grin

“of course, captain!”

you’re taken aback by his demeanour because you’re trying to find a reason to distrust him

but he’s not giving it to you

you watch as the stowaway makes himself comfortable against the helm rails and easily slips into conversation and banter with yunho amidst intermittent pointers to adjust the rudder

seonghwa nudges you from behind, “give him a little credit”

you scratch your neck awkwardly before calling out to your helmsman

“keep me updated on the ship’s course”

yunho nods and then you clear your throat, quickly glancing at the stowaway

“and thanks…wooyoung.”

you turn and leave the quarterdeck before you can fully catch a glimpse of the delighted smile the man beams at you

because if he’s not giving you reasons to dislike him, then you’re going to ensure he doesn’t start giving you reasons to like him

except…wooyoung attacks when you least expect it

it’s the night before your crew reaches vlasgar, and true to his claims when he was first discovered onboard, wooyoung has proven his value by navigating your ship through the waters without the aid of the malfunctioning compass

his innate sense for shifts in the wind and waters, combined with his understanding of celestial navigation and use of dead reckoning has meant that he is extraordinarily precise with his route

honestly, he’s freakishly accurate to the point where it’s a little unsettling

at least that’s what you tell yourself

you and hongjoong have given the crew the night off from their usual duties in preparation for a few busy days of maintenance and intel-gathering once your ship docks at vlasgar

wooyoung offers to cook in the galley and whip up a meal as fancy as he can from the select ingredients on board

you don’t have a good reason to deny him, not when the rest of your crew looks at you with eager faces at the thought of a meal that isn’t just the usual salted meat, so you send mingi along to help him locate the ingredients

also to keep an eye on wooyoung to ensure he isn’t using this as an opportunity to poison your crew, but you’re not about to admit that aloud

and that’s exactly when wooyoung chooses to attack

he attacks your heart with his cooking

granted, the standards are rock bottom, but wooyoung utilises a deadly combination of rosemary, thyme and bay leaves to prepare a hearty broth with preserved beef

he serves hardtack on the side to be softened and eaten with the broth, and jongho even manages to catch a few fish that wooyoung then scores and grills with lemon slices over the fire

mingi must also be in good spirits because he takes out the reserve of dried fruits and nuts that he’s usually pedantic over and allows wooyoung to arrange them artfully in a wooden bowl as nibblers to go with the profusion of rum that will inevitably be downed tonight

the impressive spread of food is placed on the upper deck where the entire crew sit in a rough circle together

you take one bite into the beef and curse without realising

“fucking hell, what did he put in this?”

wooyoung freezes mid-spoonful across from you in the circle

realising your words sound petrifying without context, you awkwardly amend them with your eyes glued to your bowl, “i could eat this every day,” before shoving another spoon of broth into your mouth to shut yourself up

there’s a chorus of teasing oooh’s at your words and somebody sing-songs, “captain likes youuu-r cooking”

“i don’t,” you scoff, completely ready to bite the bait and engage in this childish argument

but it’s him who comes to your defence

“it’s not my cooking, it’s just the spices that make a difference,” wooyoung insists

then he’s gesturing to the grilled fish and telling everyone to try, diverting the attention away from you

you accidentally make eye contact with him and initially flicker your eyes away out of embarrassment, but when you chance a peek back at him he’s still looking at you, his expression uncharacteristically calm and gentle when usually all you can hear these days is his raucous laughter bouncing across the deck

…not that you can recognise his laughter or anything

you stare at each other for a few more seconds before you lift up your bowl of beef broth and give him a little smile

you leave it up to him to interpret it however he wants

and just before you look away, you see the apples of his cheeks rounding with elation

wooyoung’s potentially earned himself a few points with his cooking (and perhaps with his unfailing happiness too), but maybe you’re just looking for excuses as to why you’re allowed to like him now

when you decide to take a walk in town long after midnight, your quarters having felt stuffy ever since you’d docked at vlasgar, you’re surprised to find that you’re not the only one still awake

“i’m going out for some air and maybe a drink, did you want to come?”

hongjoong shakes his head, “hwa’s gone out too, i’ll stay behind”

you pause, wondering whether it’d be rude if you didn’t extend the invitation to wooyoung, considering he’s literally two feet away

“what about you?” you end up offering

wooyoung excitedly hops up to his feet, “yeah, i’ll come with”

to your own surprise, you find that you’re not particularly disappointed by his response

the streets of vlasgar are empty, considering the late hour, and your leather shoes clack in unison against the cobblestones as you walk together

you’re not really sure what to say to fill the silence but wooyoung easily talks about anything and everything and you’re content to just listen

your feet eventually take you towards a small alehouse and you both settle down at one of the tables further away from the live music playing

the oil lamps flicker dimly along the wall, casting small dancing shadows on the surface of your mugs of ale

“my father never liked the taste of ale,” wooyoung suddenly muses after a swallow

you note the use of past tense

“is he…still around?” you ask tentatively

he makes a noise of refutation, the quietest he’s been tonight, before he reveals, “he took his own life”

“oh, wooyoung,” you breathe out

he curls his hands around his mug, “it’s already been two years, but it still hurts”

in a moment of empathy, you gently place your hand over his

your tone is bitter when you reply, “time doesn’t mean that it hurts any less, it just gets easier to pretend that it doesn’t”

he looks up at you, surprised by the touch of your hand but also by the sorrow reflected in your eyes

“have you also lost somebody?”

you nod at his question

“my parents,” you hesitate before adding, “their ship got swept under a rogue wave, the same night it turned into a tidal wave that destroyed the city of light”

wooyoung looks at you with wide eyes, “the one along the north coast? six- no, seven years ago?”

there’s not a single person who doesn’t know about it; when an apocalyptic wave had wiped out an entire city overnight

he places his other hand over yours when you nod again, creating a sandwich of comforting hands in the shared experience of loss and grief

you smile wistfully and he returns it

“well now that we’ve exchanged childhood trauma, care to tell me the real reason why you were on my ship, stowaway?” you half-joke

wooyoung laughs, each breath a pronounced cackle of joy, and you find the corners of your lips pulling themselves upwards too

“i’m being chased by a lunatic who’s out for my blood,” he deadpans

“that would have been nice to know before i let you join my crew”

wooyoung grins wickedly, “i’m part of your crew?”

“i’m definitely rethinking it,” you banter before you add on seriously, “only if you want to be”

he pulls his hands back to salute you loudly, “it would be my honour to be your human compass! jung wooyoung at your crew’s service!”

“shut the fuck up!” you hiss in embarrassment, but there’s no bite to your words and you’re laughing into your own hands

you tip back the remains of your ale and then beckon to wooyoung, “let’s head back, shall we?”

“yeah,” he gives you a dazzling smile

he pushes his chair back to stand up and you head towards the doors together

just as you walk past one of the tables, a man abruptly stands up and knocks into wooyoung’s shoulder harshly

your hand flies out to steady him as the man stares at wooyoung, then turns to leave without another word

“what’s his problem,” you mutter angrily. “are you okay?”

wooyoung reassures you with a placating squeeze to your arm before leading you out of the alehouse

as you retrace your steps back to the ship, you pass by a rickety stall that makes you falter

the wood of the table is rotting and standing on its last legs and there’s a roughly thatched roof propped up above its goods

even though the stall is enshrouded by the shadows of the clouded moonlight, you still wonder how you missed it on your way to the alehouse, considering it’s the only stall along the empty street, and with a vendor, no less

there’s an old woman bearing the burdens of living across her skin and in her posture, sitting hunched on an equally as weathered crate beside the table

you’re drawn towards it - by its ambience, seller or the familiar instruments lain on the table, you don’t know

the woman’s head is covered by a dusty shawl but you don’t miss the way her eyes bore beadily into wooyoung as you both approach

you reach out and skim your fingertips across the cool brass of the compasses on the table

a frown adorns your face when you notice there’s something strange about all of them

like the compass in your own pocket and the one mounted on your ship’s helm, the needles all swing indecisively over the north point, as if some unknown force is meddling with the magnetic field of the earth itself

you let out a little scoff of disbelief, “they’re all useless”

with a final glance at the table, you and wooyoung start to walk off

but then a raspy voice beckons at your backs, a ghost of a hand that tickles the hair on the nape of your necks, “the only time a compass is useless is when you have something better nearby”

unable to ignore the sensation, you look over your shoulder, “what do you mean by something better?”

a toothless smile; one that appears to know a secret that it doesn’t want to let you in on

“true north”

her cryptic answer alone is enough to tell you that you’re wasting your time

she doesn’t say anything else when you walk off for good this time after bidding her a tight-smiled farewell, not that you would have stopped either way if she did

wooyoung hurries to catch up to you

as he falls into step with you, he asks, “do you believe what she’s saying?”

“of course not, it doesn’t make any sense,” you glance at the tavern you’re walking past, telling you that the port is close now. “how can you have true north?”

wooyoung’s brows knit together, “well, there’s that old legend that says true north isn’t actually a direction, but a-”

he’s cut off by an amused voice behind you both

“so it really is you…jung wooyoung”

when you turn around, you’re met with the sight of a man donning a long, velvet coat and buckled shoes - articles of clothing very obviously pirated from the wealthy

it’s evident that he and wooyoung are acquainted in one way or another, but from the way wooyoung’s face loses its colour, they’re acquainted in a bad way

immediately, your hackles are raised

the man’s tone is saccharine as he continues, “when one of my men said that they had spotted you, i didn’t believe him”

“what do you want?” you snarl at the same time wooyoung murmurs next to you, “it’s the lunatic. jang hyunsoo”

hyunsoo cocks his head as he stares you dead in the eye, “i want him. dead.”

your face darkens, unwilling to back down, “and why are you so intent on killing him?”

“oh?” he raises an eyebrow in delight at your answer. “you must not know who he truly is”

sick of his bullshit, you reach down towards your belt to unsheath a throwing dagger and hold it in front of your body, “i don’t care who the fuck he is. he’s my crew member and that’s all that ma-”

“he’s the man that the legends speak of. blessed by the sea gods, bearer of the oceans’ wisdom - jung wooyoung is true north”

those two words again

you don’t understand why everyone you come across today seems to be so fixated on the idea of…

suddenly, you remember.

legends tell a story of true north - not a direction pointing to the earth’s axis, but a person

a man blessed by the gods of the sea with the power to be all-knowing when it comes to the waters

he possesses the innate ability to navigate without use of any instruments or celestial bodies; the wisdom of which passageways and courses to sail; the subconscious understanding of mother nature and her elements

the powers are passed down through his bloodline for generations, but the blessing does not stay sacred for long

human greed and coveting eventually lead to the murder of the bearer of true north at the time, and the powers are transferred to the murderer, permanently staining the bloodline and commencing the paradoxical cycle of sinning for a blessing

however, this does not go unpunished

the gods of the sea are enraged and in their uncontainable wrath they cause-

your memory ends there no matter how hard you try to recall the rest of the legend

wooyoung interrupts

“if you kill me, there’s no guarantee you’ll survive the consequences,” he tries to reason with the other. “just have a look at how close we are to sea”

you’re lost but hyunsoo sneers, “it’s not your power that i’m hungry for. it’s only fair that i spill your blood, after your father spilled the blood of my family”

at the mention of his father, wooyoung growls, “what the fuck do you think you’re saying”

“how do you think your father became true north? or better yet, let me jog your memory,” hyunsoo’s expression becomes hauntingly blank, “what happened seven years ago that wiped out a whole city because the sea gods had been angered?”

your breath hitches as you involuntarily whisper, the remaining piece of the puzzle slotting into memory, “...a tidal wave”

“yes,” he acknowledges your words but keeps his eyes drilling into wooyoung, “because true north - my father - was killed”

as were your parents by extension of the consequences

“killed by my father,” wooyoung concludes, voice frail as everything rapidly starts to reveal itself

one more revelation makes him look at you with a face of horror and remorse, “y/n…your parents…”

without hesitation, you push aside your own anguish for him

“wooyoung,” you warn, “it’s not your fault”

because you see it

the very moment his eyes start clouding over as he willingly takes on the burden of guilt wrongfully left behind by his deceased father - the same guilt that eventually took the man’s own life

wooyoung, who, with a heart and soul too pure, would rather take the blame himself than to push it onto somebody else

you step in front of him, knife raised in protection

because despite your best efforts, wooyoung had not only secretly stowed himself away on your ship but has also secretly stowed himself away in your heart

“what are you doing?” he tries to tug you behind him

there’s a teasing lilt in your voice as you stand steadfast, “stowaway, you’ve ruined navigating for me now - made it too easy for me and the crew. so you better fuckin’ take responsibility and be my compass for as long as i sail”

“how touching,” hyunsoo coos patronisingly before he draws the cutlass from his sheath, “looks like i’ll just have to kill the both of you”

you don’t stop wooyoung this time from stepping up to stand by your side, his own hands armed with dual daggers and his demeanour now iron-willed to fight

because if you’re prepared to fight for him, then wooyoung is prepared to fight twice as hard for you

tonight, either hyunsoo dies, or you both go down trying

the tension in the air is punctuated only by the slight scrape of your soles as you and wooyoung lower your stances and shift further onto your front feet

you had never believed in the sea gods until now, but you pray that they’re watching over you both

and indeed they are

they answer your prayers in the form of a deafening gunshot in the nearby tavern

hyunsoo flinches at the sudden commotion - only slightly, but the distraction in attentiveness is more than enough

now.

as you and wooyoung leap forward together in unison, weapons raised, the needles in your hearts’ compasses waver for one final time before they settle and point resolutely in one direction

your needle at wooyoung; wooyoung’s needle at you

because compasses will always point at true north and that’s exactly what you are to him and him to you

each other’s true north

jongho

pov: you're a mermaid who saves him

you follow the shadow of the ship’s hull, gliding effortlessly through the waters

you know that you shouldn’t be following so closely but it’s hard to refuse the temptation that comes hand in hand with storms

there’s a chance that vessels will toss cargo overboard as a last-ditch effort to save their ship from sinking

and if you’re really lucky, the vessel might sink entirely and you’ll be able to spend the next few days rummaging its ruins, scavenging for shiny treasures and intriguing objects

besides, what’s the worst that could happen?

no sailor or pirate in their right mind would think to cast a fishing net in this weather

you only have your carelessness and recklessness to blame, but regret won’t change anything about your current situation

you feel the strange lurch in your stomach as the fishing net you’re trapped inside is pulled out of the water, up along the side of the ship’s hull, until it levels with the gunwale

there’s someone standing there waiting

his face is still rounded and limbs still gangly with the telltale signs of youth

the fish around you jerk around desperately, a physical manifestation of your terror, while you lock eyes with the young teenager and grip at the net with white-knuckled fists

you are at his complete mercy

he stares in shock at your form, until you beg a single word

“please”

immediately, he draws a small pocket knife and starts to frantically cut through the net

there’s another questioning voice from somewhere on the deck that you can’t make out the words to, but from the way the boy in front of you picks up speed, you’re seconds away from being discovered

“come on, come on, come on,” the boy mutters through gritted teeth

there’s a slight jerk as he cuts through the strands of flax and a few fish slither their way out, the hole starting to become bigger

he lets out a hiss of pain when he accidentally slices through his own hand in his haste

but even then, he does not stop or falter

and then you hear it

the ripping of the material when the weight of yourself and the other fish tear the remainder of the net

you plummet into the ocean

and the last thing you see before the world above becomes blurred by the waters is the boy’s wide eyes peering over the ship’s edge as he watches you fall

jongho struggles to adjust his centre of gravity as the ropes stutter underneath him

he chances letting go of the rigging briefly with one hand so that he can wipe the rain out of his eyes, which is pouring down incessantly and obscuring his vision

overhead, the top sail continues to billow and flap in an angry dance as the rapidly shifting winds tangle it further

he swallows thickly and grips the rigging once again

he needs to climb up and untangle the damned sail, fast

one hand extending outwards to grab the running rigging, jongho supports himself on shaky legs so that he can unfurl the twisted edges of the sail from around the ropes

it’s difficult enough having to chase the mocking flits of the canvas in the gale, but it’s fucking hellish with the added lurching and pitching of the ship as it’s battered by the swells of the sea

he finally manages to get a good grip on the sail and tugs hard, feeling it give way and flush full as it catches the wind properly now that it’s free

except the force of it sends the material swelling right in his face and he slips

by some saving grace, the combined movement of another colossal wave sends his body careening through the air in a wide arch

he does not land on the upper deck in a heap of broken bones

instead, he plummets into the ocean

and the last thing jongho sees before he loses consciousness is the shimmer and flick of a tail

your body reacts instantaneously to the sudden intrusion of something plunging into the waters in front of you, your tail swishing to increase your distance

for a brief second your heart seizes up in fright at the thought of a harpoon

but then you see it - see him

apart from the young teen who had freed you years ago, you have never seen a human up close before

and certainly not one in the ocean; in your home

there is something about the man before you that is beautiful yet haunting

it is as if time and gravity have warped his very existence

you see a weak flail of legs, a desperate hand reaching for the surface, floating tendrils of hair, but even in the face of approaching death, his movements appear slow and graceful in the water

as the pockets of air and bubbles of foam dissipate from around him and cruelly escape upwards without him, the man stills - grand and slow as his form steadily starts to make a descent towards the sandy bottom of the ocean

in folklore amongst your merpeople, humans are as swift, sure and savage on land as they are aboard their monstrous vessels

and yet, watching the ethereal existence of this man before you, you realise that once humans are underwater, they are at the complete mercy of mother nature and her beings

you gingerly swim closer

when you wrap your arm around the man’s limp body, his skin is warm under your fingertips

you’re reminded of the fact that he is at your complete mercy

and so you swim.

the moment jongho regains consciousness, his chest involuntarily contracts in an attempt to take a huge, stuttering breath

he curls onto his side instead, one hand scrabbling in the wet sand and his other arm crushed between the ground and his upper body as he hacks up his lungs with retching motions

the salt water burns even more coming back up than it did going down and his eyes sting with tears

when the convulsions cease, jongho closes his eyes and rests his forehead against the cool sand, trying to regain his breath-

and bearings

the jarring clarity has him sitting up abruptly as he tries to recall where he is and what he’s doing

there was the storm

the tangled sail

him climbing up the riggings

falling down, down, down

and then…

you

your eyes widen when the man’s unfocused gaze suddenly sweeps the waters and lands on the small part of your face that is exposed and peering at him

instinctively, you duck underwater, the notion of hiding your existence from humans ingrained into you

but even though he only sees a glimpse of you, jongho would recognise you from anywhere

it’s hard to forget when he’s kept his eyes peeled on the waters since that day, hoping to see you once again

he can’t believe that the mermaid he once saved would end up being his saviour

but he guesses that’s what people call fate - an alignment of miracles

he glances around at his surroundings to find himself in the safety of a small cove

you dare to emerge your curious eyes again when you see the form of the man stand up with his gaze on the sand, seemingly in search of something

he fumbles along the edge of the coast, reaching down several times to grasp things too small for you to discern

it seems that he becomes satisfied with what he has found, because he then sets them all down in the wet sand - right where the tide kisses the shore in a teasing game of chase - and takes several steps backwards so that he is no longer close to the waters

the man scratches the back of his head as he gestures vaguely to the pile, appearing to want to say something before thinking better of it and turning around to pick at the driftwood further inland

you wait, trying to gauge his actions

but when it becomes clear to you that he is not attempting to catch you off guard, you cautiously swim closer to shore

you are able to rest your forearms comfortably on the shoreline’s sand from how close you get

and then you see it

a small pile of glossy pebbles and patterned shells

a peace offering of pretty things he could find that he thought you might like

you duck under the water again, but this time to hide your shy smile as opposed to an act of instinctual self-preservation

jongho looks at the hefty pile of dried wood that he has gathered in the meantime, deeming it enough to keep a fire going for the inevitable night he will have to spend at the cove

he’s tried his hardest not to look out to the waters, wanting to gain your trust

but he can’t help it this time when his eyes are drawn to the little mound of his sincerity in the sand

…only to find it untouched, and you nowhere to be seen

he tries not to feel disappointed

after all, you have no reason to trust him

so he sets his mind on starting a fire before the sun sets completely instead, trying to ignore the growing dryness in his throat

when he finally nurses a spark into a flame an hour later, jongho almost misses it in his fatigued state

but it’s unmistakable when he walks closer

gone is his own pile of pebbles and shells

in its stead is a jumbled collection of broken combs, rusted locks and a glass bottle

a peace offering of peculiar things you had found that you thought he might need

jongho doesn’t know it, but as he bends down to carefully gather every gift and safekeep them closer to his fire, he is not the only one with a bashful smile on his face

you tell yourself it’s purely curiosity and displaced familiarity that makes you linger and return to the cove the very next morning

you’re well aware what the risks are if you fall in love with a human

how many stories have you heard of mermaids and mermen alike, falling for a human, only for their love to be unilateral or rejected?

their tails slowly lose their lustre as gradual paralysis takes over until they lose complete control

quite literally drowning within their own body, they eventually sink to the bottom of the ocean to perish with the decaying wreckages of sunken ships…

and the countless corpses of sailors, pirates and other unfortunate souls alike

it’s ironic

no matter how much folklore makes out humans and merpeople to be different, you all end up the same in the face of death; buried in the soil of the earth or buried in the sand of the ocean bottom

side by side

jongho stands in that very ocean right now, sleeves and pants rolled up to keep them as dry as possible as he crouches over with the water up to his thighs

he would try to fashion a fishing hook or harpoon of some sort, but with the possibility that you may be close by in the waters, he doesn’t want to risk using anything that could hurt you

so he resorts to using his bare hands

you’ve been watching from the safety of the water for well over half an hour now, curious and slightly endeared by his clumsy attempts to grab at something

you’re not sure what, but you can see the fish as they dart teasingly through his legs and from out of his reach

for beings that are supposedly apex predators, this human doesn’t seem intimidating at all

so, very cautiously, you swim up closer to him

jongho feels himself freezing at the sight of you approaching - not because he’s afraid of you, but because he’s afraid he’ll scare you away

he holds his breath as you hesitate and linger just out of his reach, then swim up and bump his leg playfully with your tail as you circle around him once

he’s reminded of a puppy wanting to sniff out somebody unfamiliar and his eyes follow your form with rounded fondness

“hi,” he breathes out softly, “i’m jongho”

your tail swishes with sudden movement, splashing him with water and he giggles

you can hear it clearly even from under water and your heart nearly stops

if this man - if jongho - was a siren, the sounds of his happiness would be his song of calling

you want to hear it again

jongho sucks in a breath when you dare to emerge from the water’s surface, presenting him with a fish held carefully between your lips and one more in each of your hands

he’s a little dumbfounded at how easily you managed to catch them as he gently takes the one from in between your teeth

the still-flailing fish in his hands is peppered with two tiny neat rows of puncture holes where you had carefully bitten into it

he finds it so fucking cute, especially when you continue to peer up at him with expectant eyes, wanting to know if it was the fish that he was trying to catch this whole time

he wants to thank you, and not just for the fish

so he fumbles through his words when he asks, “would you like to eat with me? unless…” he trails off, “unless you don’t eat fish because…”

are mermaids technically fish?

did he really just offer you the mermaid equivalent of human flesh to eat?

before jongho can panic and try to salvage the situation, you give him a shy smile and nod

jongho makes a fire as close to the shore as possible without the wood at risk of becoming wet

as he spears the fish onto sticks so that he can hold them over the flames, you gather the courage to slide out of the shallow waters so that you can lay on the damp sand closer to him

whilst you can for short periods, you rarely ever fully emerge out of the waters because you leave yourself vulnerable without the full mobility of your body

but jongho makes you feel safe enough to do so

and he must at least partially recognise the amount of trust you are placing in him because he looks at you in awe, the unveiled beauty of your tail now in full display

your scales are a kaleidoscope of cerulean, mauve and periwinkle, reflecting onto the sand below you in a magical dance with each of your slight movements

he notices that the gradient peters out into shades of salmon and coral the closer the scales are to your waist and he cannot tear his eyes away from you

jongho thinks to himself that you were created by the hands of the sea god, who then named the word beautiful after you

and even then, the word does not seem to do you justice

“why are you staring?”

your voice is simultaneously bashful and teasing, yet jongho is utterly mortified that your first words to him are ones exposing his smitten behaviour

his brain kickstarts in panic and he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind

“if your tail gets too close to fire, will you start smelling like grilled fish?”

for a split second, your expression contorts into one of pure horror, before the absurdity of his question breaks down the remainder of your reservations and you lose yourself in laughter

a pretty blush settles over the round of jongho’s cheeks and then he is also laughing with you

together, where the land and sea unite, the sounds of your shared happiness fill the air

his song of calling chimes melodiously in your heart even as you swim away for the night

but the dangerous thing about a siren’s song is that you don’t realise you’ve become captivated…

until it’s too late

you’re looking down at the object in your hands as you swim for the cove

it’s cream-coloured and smooth to touch, with several blunt tips extending from one side

you’ve always wondered what it is and so you decide to see if jongho will know

you don’t notice the large rock formation jutting out of the seabed until it’s almost right in front of you and at the last second, you flex your tail to manoeuvre yourself around it

except you must miscalculate your distance because you end up grazing yourself on the sharp edges of the rock

it doesn’t puncture your scales but it certainly catches you off guard - your organs and senses work in a way that ensures you never collide into anything so long as you are underwater

so then, why?

you look down and your heart drops

tentatively, you spin around once, eyes never leaving their focus

you realise it’s not a trick of the lighting or the water

your scales have started to lose their shimmer

jongho is beginning to think that you won’t show up today when you finally do, one of your treasures cradled in your hands and a smile on your face that doesn’t quite reach your eyes

(you weren’t going to show up, not after realising that you need to stop yourself from falling further in love with jongho if you want to live, but you decide to be selfish one last time and say goodbye, even if you’re the only one who knows it’s a goodbye)

“what’s that?” he gestures towards your hands with his chin as you slide your upper body out of the shallow waters, leaving your tail to be submerged when the waves come in

you uncurl your fingers with a shrug

“it’s a comb,” he answers his own question as he turns it over in his hand, “made out of animal bone, i think”

you look at him curiously as he sits down, unbothered about wetting his clothes, and you ask, “what’s a comb?”

jongho brings it up to his head and pretends to move it up and down

“you run it through your hair to untangle it”

he pauses as his eyes flicker to your hair then back to your face

“i can…show you how to use it…if you want?” he offers

just once, you’ll allow yourself to get close to him just this once

when you nod and sit up, jongho shifts himself so that he is behind you

you try not to shiver when you feel the heat of his chest enveloping your back as he reaches forward to gently gather the hair from around your face and neck

he steadies your head with one of his hands, the other bringing the teeth of the comb through the slight waves of your hair

his touch is soft and loving in the way he tries not to tug too hard when he encounters a knot

his fingertips skim against you intimately but with an innocence that betrays the fact that he has never brushed somebody’s hair before

you feel your shoulders relaxing into his touch and your eyes close, blissfully - and perhaps deliberately - ignorant to the fading radiance of your body

“are you feeling okay?” jongho’s voice sounds even more alluring when it’s right next to your ear and you can’t help but shudder this time. “you seem paler than usual”

he brings a hand down to your waist and turns you towards him so that he can see you better

you try to formulate an answer, “i…”

i think i’m in love with you

of course, you would never tell him that

but before you can tell him that you’re fine, you become distracted by the glimpse of something on his hand that’s still resting on your waist

a scar

“is that- how did you get this?”

you run your thumb lightly over the taut, white line that runs from his wrist to the knuckle of his index finger

as you’re suddenly reminded of the familiar memory of a teenager with rounded cheeks and gangly limbs, the man beside you with those very same eyes looks at you fondly

“i cut myself trying to free a mermaid from a fishing net”

your gaze is unfocused as you process the information

the effects of the shattering revelation are immediate and a terrifying numbness starts to creep up your tail

because what you didn’t know - what nobody in folklore knew - was that the effects of paralysis and onset of death are accelerated when you fall in love with someone again for the second time

years ago, your heart had been claimed by the young man who had freed you at his own expense

you had managed to survive the heartbreak due to the briefness of your encounter, your paralysis fading and tail regaining its beauty when you never saw him again

but the effects of your unilateral love have not vanished entirely as you and your merpeople have believed it to

they have simply lay dormant like a disease, waiting for the right time to resurface when your feelings are rekindled

and so now it snowballs and gains traction at a speed that cannot be stopped, racing to catch up on the numerous years that you have cheated death where you thought you did not love jongho

“why is your tail turning grey?” the voice of the man you love is pinched with muted panic

you never thought you would ever be afraid of your own tail; your own body

yet, when you look down to see the monochrome advancing up each layer of your scales, you are absolutely petrified

your tail is starting to look like a stone statue and you know it won’t be long until that’s exactly what you become - motionless and unmoving

“y/n! why is your tail grey?!” jongho repeats with a shout, in full blown panic due to your lack of response

you can’t- won’t die in front of him

your lower body is almost deadweight with immobility and you bite back tears as you’re forced to crawl pathetically towards the water with your arms

jongho scrabbles to his feet as he hovers next to you, hands wanting to help but not quite touching you because he’s not sure what’s happening and he doesn’t know what he can do for you and you look like you’re in pain but he doesn’t know why-

“don’t!” you bark out sharply

he freezes in shock

you’re frightened and angry and you want to yell at something, someone, but…

you could never yell at jongho

with a much softer, albeit shaky voice, you tell him, “don’t look for me”

and before you can hear the pained noise that escapes jongho’s lips, you drag yourself back into the water

except a few metres after you’ve submerge yourself, the unthinkable happens

you. cannot. breathe.

you’re drowning.

jongho doesn’t care if you’ll hate him forever, doesn’t care if this is the last time you’ll choose to see him, but he will not just stand and watch when it looks like you are leaving to die alone

his body moves with the decisions of his heart before his mind tells him otherwise

he dives into the water after you

the world distorts around him; a moment of weightlessness as the waters easily shift to accommodate his body; the bubbling sound of air pockets reverberating inside his very skull; the shock of cold that overrides every other bodily sense

jongho forces his eyes open with numerous blinks until he can see you

your form is eerily still, and yet, you remain bewitching

he kicks his legs desperately with one arm outstretched and as soon as you are within reach, he tugs you into his chest

you’re limp to touch, lips slack and parted as if the very essence of your soul is escaping through your mouth

jongho will not let you die

lungs starting to burn and heartbeat pounding in his ears, he presses his lips against yours

a kiss of life-

he closes his eyes

-and love

but you don’t respond

jongho ignores his instincts even as his body screams to part from you and kick upwards for a breath

instead, he moves his jaws to kiss you even harder

and then he feels it

he almost sobs into you when your lips twitch weakly against his

with renewed vigour, you’re sealing your mouth around his bottom lip as you respond, capturing him in a real kiss

below your joined lips, your scales start to bloom with their full brilliance once again

your tail shimmers brighter than before, reflecting intricate patterns of fractals with each slight ripple of the water as you open your eyes to the sight of jongho’s face, beautifully swathed in the incandescence of the rainbow

you can move again

you flick your tail, jongho’s arms still firmly around your waist and you both burst upwards, breaking the water’s surface with spluttering breaths

he desperately treads you both backwards towards the shore even though you can easily hold your own now

“jongho, you-”

he takes one look at you before he cuts your words off and plunges himself back underwater, stunning you into stupor, until he re-emerges with another splutter

“your tail!” he yells with overwhelming relief, face still scrunched as he tries to sweep his fringe up and wipe the water from out of his eyes

“yeah…” voice muted as you process the fact that you’re still alive, “my tail…”

“fuck, you scared me”

jongho’s eyes are bloodshot as they stare into yours, and you know for a fact that they aren’t just red from the irritation of salt water

you bring up a hand to rest it on his chest, right where his heart still thumps rapidly under your touch, and you apologise with a small smile, “sorry…i scared me, too”

he huffs a little before looking at you earnestly

“don’t ever do that again”

the water is now shallow enough that jongho can stand, but it’s deep enough that you can still drift effortlessly

it’s the perfect harmony where land and sea unite; where a human and a mermaid interact

where you, the enchanter, and jongho, the enchanted, find a balance of love

“i won’t,” you promise

on land, humans tell a story of a mermaid who falls in love with a man

a mermaid who is ready to give up her voice in exchange for her happily ever after

but in the sea, merpeople tell a story of a man who falls in love with a mermaid

a man who is ready to give up his life in exchange for his happily ever after

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csuitebitches · 7 months

Text

How to Wake Up Early

I always wanted to be one of those girls who would wake up early, go for a run and be super productive with their mornings. The issue is - i really love sleep. Every time i would start a routine, i would eventually fail. I would wake up to turn the alarm off, think to myself “5 mins more” and boom- it’s suddenly 8:30 am and i need to leave for work in less than 1 hour.

Two videos on YouTube really changed my mind. One was Andrew Huberman’s, and the other was Jihyo, a k-pop star.

I came across Andrew Huberman’s video about dopamine, and somehow, it helped me to understand why the difficulty waking up early is so important. Now I’m no expert of neuroscience, but let me explain to the best of my abilities.

Dopamine is essentially the build up to the reward; it is not the reward. It is the satisfaction and happiness you feel (when your body releases), after you have achieved something that was painful/ required you to struggle a bit. In order to receive this reward, you have to feel pain, because pain and satisfaction are directly related to each other. Satisfaction without pain is useless and does nothing for you essentially.

That got me wondering: for me, waking up early is difficult. It’s painful. I dont want to do it. But if I do it, its my first win of the day. It’s the first challenge I have overcome of that day, and I always do feel amazing after. The dopamine release after the struggle of waking up and winning the battle of not going back to sleep is definitely there. I feel more confident because a) I have done the “right” thing b) selfishly, i can do something so simple that a lot of people struggle with c) it weirdly makes me feel more confident and like I’m doing the first step of being an adult right.

Jihyo’s video was quite random - she did some show where it shows her daily life when she’s not working. Parts of it made me feel like she’s unable to just relax with herself (probably because her body and mind are so used to chaos, performing, her girl group living together for so many years) so she busies herself a lot. I took the positives from the video; she’s extremely disciplined which I admired, she gets her chores done, she’s good at ensuring that her space is truly her space.

So I decided to build a relatively foolproof routine; but mind you, it does require quite a bit of willpower.

I’ve developed a habit of waking of waking up at 5 am. I head straight for a 30-45 minute meditation and then at least an hour long workout. I stack my habits that way; right after meditation, I put on my running shoes. I used to really struggle with waking up, even if I had to wake up late. This is the strategy that worked me, see if it works for you.

1. Reset your space the night before

This makes you feel less stressed in the morning and also genuinely makes you feel like you have your shit together. Put your clothes away, keep your bag in its place, clean up your desk, reorganise your make up and skin care products. You’re going to go to sleep and wake up to a clean space.

Make sure you define both your bedtime and wake up time. My bedtime is 9:30 pm - so i manage my chores, reading, dinner, everything around that.

2. Early dinner

I’ve noticed that early dinners help me sleep better. I’ve built the habit of casually walking for 25-30 minutes post dinner (not right after eating, after about 15 mins). I’m not walking fast to a point where I’m sweating and puffing, I’m casually strolling outside. During this time, I don’t listen to music, interact with anyone or my phone. I use this time to connect with myself and think about whatever I feel like.

3. No devices before sleeping

I don’t want to stimulate myself before sleeping, so I prefer reading before bed. If you don’t like reading, you can instead do your skincare, maybe revise some physical study notes, etc.

4. Using Alarmy app

This app is torture and I swear by it. This little thing makes you a solve a challenge of your choice in order to make the alarm stop, like math problems, puzzles, etc. I chose 5 math problems.

5. Keep your phone across the room

Don’t charge it near your reach. Keep it as away from you as possible.

6. Stand for two minutes after shutting off the alarm

Don’t allow yourself to snooze, or go back to bed. This is the part that really requires you to tell yourself: “i am not going back to sleep. I’m going to wake up and do the things I have to do for my own benefit.” Remember - the states of heaven and hell are not outside of you, they’re inside you. They are mental states. You have to fight with your lazy demon and tell him/her/whoever that NO; we are NOT going back to bed.

I charge my phone across the room so that forces me to walk first thing in the morning. To stop myself from going back to sleep, after i have shut the alarm off, i just stand for 2 minutes. I dont sit, or go back to bed. I stand and tell myself, we’re doing this. We’re going to wake up and have an amazing day.

Your mind is like a child with tantrums and mood swings. Your rational self has to discipline your mind the way a parent would to a child.

7. Turn a small light on

Not something that is jarring or overwhelming, but enough to help you start waking up. I turn my phone’s flashlight on and keep it on my desk.

8. Be consistent, even on weekends

The biggest mistake you can make is not being consistent. Your body doesnt recognise weekends, your mind does. Your body doesn’t know that tomorrow is Monday, so its time to wake up early. By staying consistent (yes, I wake up at 5 am on weekends too), it allows my body to develop its own body clock and not wrecking the system I’ve kept in place.

What do I do if I have a late night?

It really depends. Let’s say I come home relatively early (+2 hours around my bedtime) around 11 pm, and im in bed by 11:30. I’ll wake up somewhere close to 5 am, like 6 am instead. The next day I ensure I’m in bed by the bedtime I’ve kept for myself and wake up at 5 am again.

If I come home really late, like 3 am - i keep my alarm exactly 8 hours from that time. I need to get sleep, but oversleeping is an issue and that wont allow me to wake up early the next day. I want to get enough sleep where im rested for the day, but not excessively. Unfortunately, sleeping so late would definitely mean that i wont be able to fall asleep at my dot 9:30 pm bedtime, but i turn the lights off and get ready to sleep by then anyway, and mentally prepare for my 5 am wake up call.

#c suite #powerful woman #strong women #ceo aesthetic #personal growth #that girl #productivity #q/a #getting your life together #balance #waking up early #neuroscience #Andrew Huberman’s #K-pop #jihyo

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charliedawn · 11 months

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(is it alright if I send a request?! Feel free to ignore this if not. I've heard there are some new rules regarding that?) So what if their s/o had to travel somewhere outside the country/state (could be something work/family related) for like a week or so, which Slashers would take it the hardest/easiest (basically who has separation anxiety and who is chill lol)?! Hopefully this makes sense, sorry for bad english?! I have a feeling Brahms (and maybe Jason) are in the first category, but your stories are always full of suprises so 🤷

Mature themes mentioned. You've been warned.

Jason would be the worst when it comes to abandonment issues. He would be too afraid of you leaving him forever.

He'd come up with various excuses to make you stay.

He'd wrap his arms around you and refuse to let you go. The man is touch-starved. He'd beg to come with you.

If you didn't let him ? Well...I think he'd be miserable.

Jason *whines and cries against your shoulder while holding you close* : "Stay. Please. Stay."

For him, to speak takes tremendous effort—so when he does ? That means it is important.

Do not leave the poor man alone without anything to contact you with, or you'd come back to a mess. He'd have turned the whole house into a target practice.

And believe me, you don't want to be in the way of his machete...

Brahms would be close second after Jason. He'd make you stay by any means necessary.

Brahms *breathes heavily* : "DO NOT LEAVE ME !"

His parents told him they would be gone for only a few days—but they never came back.

He wouldn't let you do the same.

He tried to get Greta to stay, but it failed. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Brahms *grabs you and groans* : "If you leave me, I'll find you...I'll find you, Y/N."

The way he uttered your name made you shiver. Brahms would be close to a break down if you were gone for a few minutes. Imagine his state if it was for more than a few days ?

The moment you got back, he'd be borderline hysterical and crush you in a bear hug—crying and sobbing for you to never leave him again.

Bo has serious abandonment issues as well but—unlike Brahms or Jason—he would be more radical in his ways to make you stay.

Bo *grabs your arm and grits his teeth* "OH NO YOU DON'T !"

Bo was hated by his mother and it only aggravated his loneliness until he became...well...very self-centred and afraid of the pain.

The moment he gets attached to someone—their freedom is of no interest to him whatsoever.

Bo would rather tackle you to the ground, attach you or even have sex with you for you not to leave him.

That redneck isn't a quitter. Good luck trying to make him stay away.

"WHO THE F*CK GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO LEAVE ME, HUH ?!"

Yeah...He's not going to cry, but you might. Sorry.

And in the category worse abandonment issues we also have Vincent. Of course the other twin wouldn't be very far from the first.

Vincent is...gentler than Bo ? He wasn't hated by his family. He was actually rather liked.

So, his wouldn't be as bad—but still.

There is a reason he wanted to make all his wax statues from actual people. He is scared of being lonely...He likes to be surrounded.

And since all the people in his town treated him and his family as freaks—he couldn't make a lot of connections apart to his brothers.

He was lonely. And hence, he'd be afraid to lose the only person he ever cared about than them. You.

So, he'd be very hesitant to let you go and try to make you stay with gifts and soft touches. Try to make you understand how much you mean to him before eventually letting you go. Just so you know that you'd be taking a part of him with you.

You might be surprised, but Pennywise belongs to the category of the slashers who would be very upset by the lack of physical proximity.

Indeed, even though he hates physical touch, he is still clingy when it comes to the presence of the people he loves—one of the reasons why he stays with Penny.

So, he'd be upset, a little bit more moody than usual without you around. He'd be constantly looking at the road and unconsciously hoping you'd come back.

Pennywise *sighs deeply to himself* : "Come on, you old clown...Don't be so stupid. Come on. Stop thinking about...about..."

He'd fight against his inner demons and believe that you'd come back on your own...until the very end.

"...Oh, you're leaving, human ?"

Surprisingly enough, Penny isn't as clingy as people think he is.

He does like physical contact a lot and would be very sad to see you go, but he also knows he is a god and would be able to get to you whatever happens.

Penny is confident in his abilities, maybe too much.

So, he'd keep a smile on and giggle while waving to you when you go.

But, remember...

He's always watching.

You try to escape ? He'd know.

And he'd hunt you down. He'd make you regret ever trying to escape. He'd drag you back if he has to.

Penny *giggles darkly* : "Aww...Poor poor Y/N. Don't look so sad. We'll be together forever. Isn't that what we wanted ?"

Freddy would take it badly, but old habits die hard. He'd find a way to blame you and move on...no matter what.

"Ya think you can hurt me, huh ? Well, I've got news for you, ~sweetheart. You can go. I can always find ya a replacement."

Douchebag attitude is Freddy's defense mechanism.

You want to leave ? Fine. He'll find a way to fill the hole. Booze. Brothels. Chaos...

Whatever he can do, he'll do. Freddy needs a moral compass in order to stay in check. You and Michael fill that position.

But, if you're gone ? Then, Freddy would be missing an important part of his functioning mechanism and would go back to his old ways.

He'd be lost. Trying to find himself all the wrong ways all over again...

For his safety and others, make sure to remind him that you care for him from time to time—especially if you're going somewhere he can't follow.

And be sure to invite him into your dreams from time to time. 😉

Michael would remain himself. He'd watch you go and stay impassive. Because he knows it wouldn't change a thing.

He expects you to never come back. It would be better.

Every time he takes a knife in his hand, he wouldn't find that tingling feeling...the little voice in his head telling him to kill you.

He wouldn't be so afraid of hurting you every single day. He wouldn't have to lock his door every night because he's afraid he might wake up with your blood on his hands.

He'd even tense up when you come back.

You *smile when you see him* : "Well, hello there. Missed me ?"

Michael : "..."

You *smile falter* : "Oh...Well, okay then."

Michel *slowly approaches you and slowly hugs you*

He did miss you. He just didn't know how to tell you...or stop himself from grabbing the kitchen knife and plunging it into your heart over and over.

Michael would die before hurting you, but it doesn't mean he isn't a slasher. Or that your love for him isn't dangerous.

Arthur would put his feelings aside and try to appear cruel.

"You think I care ? ~Oh, sweetie. I've spent most of my life caring about people. Not anymore. Not ever again...So, if you want to leave me ? Go ahead. There's the door."

You have to understand, Arthur has been hurt most of his life...by life itself.

He was never lucky. He never had any friends. He was basically alone most of his life.

He wouldn't want to be kept down, and so wouldn't want the same for you. He understands the need to leave. More than anyone else.

He'd prefer you leave than stay and be miserable—like he was. So, he would never stop you from leaving, no matter if there was a risk you wouldn't come back.

Arthur *smiles and holds your hand* "...Please. Don't let me stop you. Be free."

If you want to leave ? He won't stop you.

Because that's how much he loves you.

He'd let you have your freedom. No matter what.

"I'm going out.", you said.

"Have fun, honey.", he replied. He didn't even look up from his newspapers.

"I may be out for a couple of days.", you added—waiting for a reaction.

"Sure. I'll be right here when you come back.", he answered and smiled—but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Jack is a ghost. He doesn't really have feelings anymore and can sound cold sometimes. But, it's not because he doesn't care. It's just he knows what it is to have responsibilities.

He failed at being human—and he wouldn't want the same for you.

He would of course be worried that you'd leave forever, but honestly ? He'd be happy to let you live your life as you intend.

He doesn't have abandonment issues.

Matter-of-fact, he's the one who leaves most of the time. Of course, he wouldn't want your relation to stop so suddenly and would prefer you to come clear to him.

He wouldn't get mad, but he'd feel a little more dull and emotionless inside.

He'd become even more of a ghost than he was—but wouldn't let you see.

Jack *smiles before you close the door* : "...Bring back a souvenir, alright ? Something...something nice."

And that would probably be the only attempt he'd do to hint that he wants you to come back.

#fandoms #imagine #fanfic #pennywise 2017 #pennywise 1990 #pennywise x reader #slashers #michael myers x reader #freddy krueger x reader #jason voorhees x reader #jack torrance x reader #arthur fleck x reader #brahms heelshire x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #bo sinclair x reader

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phoenixblaze1412 · 3 months

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Heyy may I request dottore with a very sleepy (Fem/gn)Reader who always struggles with nightmares and staying awake

(idk what to do against my sleepiness :<)

Dottore, being a man of science, a doctor himself, has seen people go through various things. Whether it be painful to the person physically, mentally, or emotionally- he has seen it all. Even done it to others.

But when it comes to you, he wouldn't dare put you through that pain nor stress. So when he noticed something weird about your behavior. He has to know why.

Observation is always the first step a researcher must do in order to gather data. With his clipboard in hand, he watched you move around his office.

Subject: Y/N

Observations:

- Subject shows signs of lack of sleep due to the bags under their eyes.

- Subject has a hard time doing their assigned tasks; lack of focus, sluggish movements, constant yawning.

- When the Theta segment recommended them to sleep, subject reacted anxiously before declining their suggestion and stating they don't need it. Subject seems to be scared. Possibility that the subject is afraid of sleeping or something related to sleep?

Comments:

- Subject does not want to sleep due to something that is giving them constant fear. Best to question them on why they do not wish to sleep for almost a week now. Another solution is to give them a sedative that could help them recover the rest they needed.

After reviewing his notes for a second time and making sure he got everything, Dottore went off to find you.

"Darling?"

You hummed in reply, your tired eyes looking up at your partner. Dottore could only sigh when he saw the bags under your eyes becoming more worse by the day.

"Is there a reason on why you do not wish to slumber? I have noticed how you're struggling to even move around or speak due to your lack of rest. I suggest you tell me why, I'm beginning to worry that you might hurt yourself due to your fatigued mind."

You didn't give any replies, embarrassed about your reason. Already knowing that avoiding sleep would be pointless and the fatigue would catch up to you sooner. Your state couldn't even go unnoticed by the doctor himself.

So... how would you tell Dottore that you can't sleep due to your nightmares? Childish as it may, the constant horrific dreams you've been getting each day was the reason why you didn't bother to go back to sleep. Not even a wink or shuteye.

Without further delay, you decided to tell Dottore. The harbinger himself listening to every word, processing, even coming up with various solutions to at least comfort you. It's not really in his nature to do the latter but for you, he would do anything.

"Nightmares? And what, pray tell, are you having nightmares about? Is it due to the screams of the test subjects in their cells? The 'grotesque' view that others would find whenever I am in the middle of an experiment?"

Though the words he used may sound cold and blunt, the hand rubbing your head gave enough warmth and comfort. Dottore prefers to say things whatever it is.

What's the point of sugar-coating the truth when it's already in front of you, afterall? That is what Dottore would think.

Nevertheless, his actions does speak more than his words. He led you to sit on the couch he has in his office, letting you lean onto him as he gently pulled you by the waist to be closer to him while he listened to you vent out your nightmarish dreams.

"Is that so? I have a few suggestions that can be of help to you, darling. You see, I have concocted a little sedative, one that can easily make you fall asleep for.. let's say maybe twenty-four to thirty-six hours. Just enough to recover the rest you needed. I also have melatonin that could help you fall asleep. Hm.. maybe we should use them as a last resort."

Dottore had to be reminded that you cannot sleep due to your nightmares. Which caused him to stop in his rambles before crossing out the ideas he suggested.

He may have gotten a bit carried away.

You couldn't be upset at him, he is trying his best. It's the littlest things that matters, after all. Besides, he's never been in a serious relationship with anyone until you came into his life and you're probably the only one insane enough to even date the second harbinger.

"How about.. you sleep with me? You could use the rest too and I need someone to cuddle with so I don't get any nightmares."

"Cuddle? Darling, I am a doctor, a scientist. I may know the benefits of physical contact, hugging to be exact, to a person but I am not one to do such a thing--"

Dottore could even finish his sentence when you were already clinging onto him. Like a newborn to their parent, your arms were wrapped around the doctor's neck as you cuddled up to him. Said doctor could only lay stiffly on the couch, he really doesn't know what to do, you even pinned him down to the furniture and got into a position where you both would be comfortable. His fingers were twitching to flip the positions, with you laying on the couch instead so he could return to his work.

But you felt so warm and soft and so vulnerable even--

No. Bad. Keep yourself in check, Dottore.

"If you don't want to cuddle then it's alright. I can go back to my room."

Before you could even move away, Dottore kept you in place. His arms circling around your waist to keep you from getting out of his hold as he leaned his chin on top of your head. Luckily he wasn't wearing his mask or else it could have poked your eye.

"If this will be of help to let you sleep easier without anymore nightmares then go on ahead. You do know that the brain could eat itself if it lacks sleep for a long time."

You could only laugh in amusement at the information. Dottore would always tell science facts here and there whenever he is doing something very affectionately. It's an easy way to hide how flustered he is.

Your eyes started to feel heavy as you nuzzled more into Dottore's warmth. You felt something soft pressed against your forehead along with a small hum from the man holding you, causing you to smile as you slowly entered a deep slumber. Dottore's words being the last thing that you hear before entering your dreamland, this time, no more nightmares.

"Go to sleep now, darling. I'll be here till you wake up. I won't leave you alone with your nightmares this time."

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #dottore #dottore x reader #zandik x reader #il dottore #female reader #gender neutral reader #il dottore x reader

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djs4nddisc0s · 28 days

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toby headcanons? :) sfw or nsfw I just live for him 🖤 thx!

sighhh Toby… sighh my submissive and breedable malewife…🙁🤍🎀

Of course, thank you for requesting<3! (All other asks in my inbox are being worked on btw! Remember, these are my personal headcanons, you’re allowed to disagree and these also won’t relate too much to canon. Kinda ‘realistic’. Not proofread.)

Toby Rogers sfw and nsfw Hc’s!

(SFW)

Starting off with his looks I deff agree with how shatteredankles draws him. (their art is so😻)

His style is like midwestern emo but with a bit of grunge

I like the hc of him being German, but I think he grew up in Colorado

However his mom still used the language, culture, food and stuff like that in the household

He has a small cabin in the woods that he lives in (sorry no slendermansion this time)

TERRIBLE trust issues due to his past

Craves physical touch but also is scared of it thanks to ole daddy-o🤓 (ew cringe)

That being said he loves giving physical touch but since he can’t feel pain it’s hard for him to know if he’s hurting you

He may not be able to feel pain but he can feel other sensations like pleasure or little tingles (he can bc I say so, fight me)

Smokes every once in a while but only weed

Picnic dates.

If you do your makeup he’ll watch you with all the wonder in the world

Has even let you do it on him a few times

Pretty possessive, you’re the only person outside of his sister and mother that has been so understanding and loving, the thought of you leaving terrifies him

Whenever you go out for groceries or with friends (which sadly is rare due to his attitude towards it) you have to text him with little check-in texts to ease his nerves

(NSFW)

About 7.5 inches

HAPPY TRAIL MEOOOOW😻

He used to jerk off like a teenage boy in the middle of puberty

Once he met you (before dating) he would continue to do so but just to you

Pictures, voice recordings, even on call with you a couple times

Finally once you two started dating he could try the real thing

FEM! “F-Fuck… your pussy feels f-fucking amazing..!”

MASC! “Such a g-good boy- shit! So good”

HE IS A SWITCH AND YOU CAN NOT PROVE ME WRONG‼️

Mommy/Daddy kink no questions asked

I feel like most of the pastas would have a thing for chasing you through the woods to catch you right there and ravish you right where they caught you… just silly thoughts😋

He’s deff be open to trying anything you like if it makes you happy

However he wouldn’t want to hurt you too bad if that’s what you’re into

Light degradation on both parts

Fucking AMAZING at giving head, you’ll be seeing stars

If he’s bottoming he can either be the most obedient you’ve ever had or he’s a pain in the ass brat.

I feel like even though he can’t feel the pain from edging/overstimulation it still gets him worked up

Pull his hair while he’s going down on you it lets him know he’s doing good

WHIMPERS🔥

If you’ve edged/overstimulated him too much he’ll either take control or start begging so pretty for you

Will do the same back as punishment if you kept going even if he begged

Tying your hands behind your back and PLOWING into you like it’s the last time he’ll be able to

Remember when I said he was possessive, yeah jealous sex comes from that

Also remember the makeup thing? Mascara running down your face turns him on more

Sighh I love my gf he’s such a fucking loser freak☹️

(I hope you enjoyed<3!)

#creepypasta #creepypasta blog #creepypasta x reader #ticci toby #ticci toby x reader #toby rogers #toby rogers x reader

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melukonova · 1 month

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LOVING SEPHIROTH, sephiroth x reader.

tw. mentions of his hurtful past, emotional abuse that miniroth didn't deserve :( this post can be seen as suggestive but it's left mostly to your interpretation

a/n. for @silverflqmes , my best friend who has inspired me to write yet again for something i love and for writing various requests for me, indulging me in my own happiness. you are never leaving this deep hole of ff7 that i dug for you AHAHAHAH! this is also for the many fans who have made fanfics and such that have shaped me now<3 much love to you all! (i will make more headcanons if this gets love) also sephiroth might be a little ooc since he's new territory of writing for me :,)

info. very lovable and soft sephiroth<3 very short blurbs! inspired by the song everything by lifehouse, i can see him relating about you, the reader, and how he feels for you. enjoy! pre-nibelheim!!!

𐚁. sephiroth's love language can be seen as quality time as seen with the time he spent with genesis and angeal, he grew very attached easily. i can see this in a similiar way since i'm sure once you've caught sephiroth's eye, you're happily in his heart. he enjoys just being together, perhaps he'll teach you how to use masamune (a toy version at least since he wants to protect you from injuries). don't get me wrong, every other love language applies for him too but i know he's happiest with the fact that you're there by his side.

𐚁. he is very awkward with affection so the first time you hold him, i think he wouldn't know what to do but he'll awkwardly pat your back while trying not to freak out a bit by being touched since he was experimented on as a child. please teach him how to love, he didn't get enough as kid... i think being patient with him would also warm his heart with you as well. he isn't the best with people, just in using his sword... which is why it's an anomaly to him if you stuck around for this long.

𐚁. indulging ellie on this one: sephiroth with a kitten. he probably is the one to adopt a kitten out of the two of you except what you didn't expect was him to basically mother the kitten. i think his wounds are still healing from the fact that the locket of his mother was torn away from him.. but you guys both loved that kitten very much, naming saikou which means radiance. it is the radiance of both of your lives and definitely a way to heal from your guys' pain, whatever it may be from your end but i know sephiroth suffers from loneliness and feeling not good enough. he feels this much less because of you though and of course, saikou. saikou is now your love rival... the kitty is his precious baby but you are his most prized treasure.

𐚁. while i said quality time is his favorite love language, i think that he likes physical affection as well since he never really knew what it's like to be loved. he wanted to learn though as well as learn to love you which led to teaching him how to cuddle. still very awkward, he's trying his very hardest as he pats your head and encases you into his body. eventually it led to couch cuddles every time he came home from work, he won't say it out loud but this is his favorite part of being able to be with you. he is so beyond smitten.

𐚁. as sephiroth had been in SOLDIER all of his life, he's not completely sure the best way to comfort you on many things but what he can do is to give you a better night! he'd come home with flowers since somehow zack had talked him into buying flowers from his girlfriend, what can i say? zack was a persuasive businessman and sephiroth had no clue how to be a good boyfriend. he'd probably panic if he couldn't make you feel better, he just wants you happy and would slay his enemies (those who wronged you). he'd indulge you in just about anything that you wanted to do between him trying on your favorite dress, self-care day with face masks, kisses all over to make you less insecure or just to feel more loved, an ice cream date, etc. you name it and it's done. he'd even sneak you into the training room on the SOLDIER floor to take you on a loving date with an even more beautiful sunset but all he could see was his sun, you.

𐚁. you already know his hair care routine since it was leaked from your mail, did i mention you were apart of sephiroth's fan club? he uses a WHOLE bottle of shampoo and conditioner. one day you had to braid his hair, adding in flowers to his hair as you braided it. he loved it since it kept his face clear for combat, meanwhile genesis and angeal snickered at him since his s/o made him look all pretty so none of his enemies would take him seriously. masamune said differently than his hair did. if somebody ruined the artwork of your braiding? they ALSO had a date with masamune.

𐚁. he doesn't like a lot of attention as many would say since he is so famous. this is the big question, how did you enter his life in comparison to the fangirls? you understood him. it was a new feeling for him and he didn't know how much he would end up loving it. no thirsting over how hot he was or saying how strong he had been. just a simple: "i know you've been working hard for so long, you deserve some rest," was enough to make him moved by you. nobody could compare to you in his innocent heart. he was so new to every experience, every hug, every kiss, and every touch you gave him. each time was something new that he had learned to love about you and eventually love about himself as well. you helped him to understand he was more than a monster, more than a soldier, more than just a test subject.

𐚁. what you hadn't expect is to find a loving sephiroth in the kitchen with you, holding you close to him as you listened to italian cooking music (the pasta addict in me thinks he'd want to learn more about pasta and its origin). his head was leaning down towards yours while staring down at your lips as you both had been swaying. his hand had been on your waist and the other had been moving up from your shoulder, over your neck slowly with care, to your soft cheek. capturing you in his lips, the water had boiled over but he didn't care at that moment. the thing he clung onto most was this moment because at this moment, sephiroth just knew. he was in love and he finally felt free as he deepened the kiss. he knew where home was and he was kissing his own home, taking in all of what makes you so lovable as well.

melukonova, 2024. 𐀔

#smash bros (🌿)#sephiroth x you #sephiroth x reader #sephiroth ff7 #sephiroth #ff7 x reader #ff7 #ffvii x reader #ngl i can appreciate sephiroth more now cause my bestie open my eyes to the beauty that is analyzing sephiroth

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agaypanic · 6 months

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I saw that you were interested in lab rats requests, and I'm obsessed with that show and have like a billion thoughts in my head so can i request a chase davenport x reader, where the reader is perry's niece and shes kind of a grey character. Like she's mean to everyone who deserves it, especially those who are mean to Chase, which is honestly a lot of people. Similar to Jade from victorious but less intense lol. One day she just goes off and Chase is just so into it.

Chase Davenport With Principal Perry's Niece Headcanons

Masterlist

Request Something!

A/N: fun fact, i know jade from clips on tiktok, but ive actually never really seen victorious aside from one episode that my ex made me watch years ago that i barely paid attention to lol

***

He’s a bit scared of you at first

He thinks you’ll be like your aunt, who’s a bit of a nightmare

But he’s quickly proven wrong when you’re left alone

“You! Dorky twerp!” Principal Perry pointed at Chase and his siblings, and they all looked at her confused.

“Think that means you, bud,” Adam said, pushing Chase towards the woman before running off, Bree and Leo hot on his heels. Chase hesitantly closed the distance between him and Perry.

“Yes, Principal Perry?”

“Meet my niece, Y/n.” It was then that he noticed you, standing beside your aunt. You wore a bored expression. “She’s new here, moved in with me because her parents are fighting for custody, and the judge thinks they’re both incompetent.”

“Aunt Terry…” You groaned, wishing she didn’t always feel the need to share such personal and unnecessary information.

“Anyways, I want you to show her to her classes.” Perry leaned in close to Chase, glaring at him. “Make a move on her, and you’re dead meat, Daven-dork.”

You and Chase watched her walk away, somewhat mortified. Then you looked at each other in an awkward silence. You were the first to speak.

“Sorry about her…” You laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. “What’s your name?”

“Chase.” He responded, a bit taken aback. If he was being honest, he thought that there was something in Perry’s DNA that made her the crabby, mean woman she was. So it would’ve made sense if everyone related to her was similar. “Chase Davenport.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” You smile, holding your hand out for him to shake. He smiled back as he shook your hand.

“Nice to meet you, too.”

You quickly become inseparable, much to your aunt’s chagrin

You’re a lot nicer than her, which surprises everyone

But that doesn’t mean you’re never mean

Luckily, it’s only to people who deserve it

Trent was quick to become a pain in your ass. Not directly to you; he was too scared of Perry’s wrath. But the way he treated Chase and his siblings pissed you off. Chase told you not to worry about it, that he was used to it, but you weren’t having it.

“Just because you’re used to it doesn’t mean you should be, Chase.” You say as he told you for the tenth time today to forget about Trent and his behavior.

“Aw, it’s cute that you care,” Chase said, laughing when you jokingly pushed him and told him to be quiet. But then he got pushed again, only this time much rougher.

“This kid bothering you, Y/n?” Trent asked with a flirty grin, getting close. You rolled your eyes, pushing past him to get back to Chase.

“No, but someone else is.” You say with a deadpan tone, staring intensely at Trent. He looked around the hall.

“Who?”

“Jesus.” You muttered, you and Chase snickering to each other as you walked away.

Sometimes, your anger gets the best of you

Like when Chase’s bullies start to get a bit physical

You fight back more than he does

After what felt like forever, you got out of your last class of the day and went to the main hall to wait for Chase. He was often waiting for you by his locker, ready to walk you home.

But today, he wasn’t the only person at his locker. A few guys from the football team surrounded him, pushing him whenever he tried to move away.

“Fellas, come on.” He laughed nervously.

“Shut up, nerd!”

“Hey!” You shouted from across the hall, effectively grabbing all of the boys’ attention. You stomped over to them. “Leave him alone.”

The jocks all turned to surround you, looking amused.

“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?” One of them asked, leaning close to you. “You know, I’m not afraid to hit a girl.”

“I’m not either.” You responded before stomping on his foot and punching him in the stomach. He yelped in pain, and his friends backed away. You grabbed the boy by the ear, making him wince. “Considering football is probably the only thing you and your friends are good at, I suggest you apologize and get the hell out of here. Unless you wanna try to play with some broken fingers?”

The jock immediately shook his head, the others doing the same.

“I’m sorry.” He squeaked.

“I’m not the one you should be saying that to.” You let go of his ear and pushed him towards Chase. Chase stepped aside, watching the football player run into the lockers from the force of your shoving.

“Sorry…” He said to Chase before looking at his friends and running away with them. The apology didn’t seem too genuine, sounding more scared than anything else. But it was a start.

“You okay?” You asked, looking Chase up and down for any possible damage. He stared at you in slight shock, slowly nodding. You smiled and held your hand out. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Chase swiftly grabbed your hand, walking out of the school with you.

“That was hot.” The short but serious sentence made you laugh.

#agaypanic #chase davenport x reader #chase davenport #lab rats x reader #lab rats

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naamahdarling · 5 months

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Do you have a favorite musical?

If so, what are your favorite lyrics from it, and why?

ALW's CATS.

Is it a surreal mess? Yes! But I love it before everything else.

The lyrics are silly but very clever. Most are at least partly by TS Eliot, drawn from a wonderfully nonsensical book of poems.

I think my favorite song is the Invitation to the Jellicle Ball, neck and neck with Mr Mistoffelees.

My favorite cat is Mistoffelees by a lot, followed by the Rum Tum Tugger. They are in love.

But the part that makes me feel the most in my heart is Grizabella. The only cat I relate to is Grizabella.

Memory is the big number that everyone knows and I do absolutely love it, it's one of my favorite songs and probably the best in the musical as it was before CATS 2019 introduced a new song, but I feel that out of context it simply doesn't have punch. It gets trotted out to showcase a singer's skill, as a bit of a tearjerker if you're a sentimental person. It is so much more than that.

I didn't understand Grizabella properly until I was well and truly an adult and had taken in multiple cats off the street, and lived near a colony, and watched my own cats become frail, which are all painful things in many ways; AND until I had begun to really feel the weight of my marginalization as a disabled person and an ill person, which means confronting almost daily the fact that I am unlikely to come to the sort of end I would like.

Hold on because I'm going to be unhinged about this cat for a minute.

Grizabella is an aged stray, once welcomed, now abandoned and unloved, considered ugly even by others like her (who are shown to supposedly accept differences and value, or at least respect, most everyone...but not her).

She lives in a haunted, lonely state unacknowledged by anyone except to be driven away. She can no longer care for herself, she is filthy and matted and scarred and probably in a lot of pain, she is starving, and she has nothing but her memories of better times, and every single dawn is both a gift and a miserable curse. She gets to remember. She has to remember.

If you watch, Grizabella is onstage a LOT, she's just off in the background, usually poorly lit, where she tries to mirror the dances happening on the main part of the stage, dances she knows because that was once her, there in the spotlight, shining. But now she's in too much pain to dance and her body isn't working right anymore. I have no doubt Grizabella is dying. The question is whether she will get to do that well, comforted and with dignity, or do it badly and alone.

I cannot HANDLE Grizabella.

If you have even the tiniest inkling of love for cats, if you believe every cat's life is worth something, her story should destroy you.

The legendary Jennifer Hudson's performance in the movie brought a really angry and confrontational turn to her, and it was flat out amazing. A rebuke of a performance. It really hurts to watch but it's what the role has always needed. She isn't just weak and sad, she clings to the tatters of her dignity and is angry that the others don't see her as a whole person. Just a miserable shadow to be avoided. A cautionary tale. We are never told what terrible thing she did to deserve her fall, and given that most of the Jellicles are young, I don't know that any of them really remember.

I will physically fight anyone who says she should not have been selected to ascend to a new life. She was the only choice. Even Gus. Even him. He can have his turn next year. Grizabella does not have another year in her.

And I'm going to make some folks mad but I love the 2019 movie (it's bad) and the new song, Beautiful Ghosts, is amazing, and I DO prefer Taylor Swift's version as the movie version is a little more timid (fitting the role and musical way better) but TS fucking BELTS IT and I get chills every time.

The lyrics are incredible and the song is gorgeous, gorgeous. And strung together with Grizabella's song, it finishes the musical in a way that it was a bit unfinished before. It uses an actual full song to connect Grizabella to the Ball and the Choice more directly than any choreography ever did or could:

Victoria, the White Cat and viewpoint character, still almost a kitten, has been dumped in the street and into a terrifying and beautiful new life.

After being swept up into its wonder, she sees Grizabella, utterly rejected, hissed at, made fun of, despised, and aches with the injustice of it -- Victoria was snatched right up by the other cats the instant her paws hit the ground, but nobody will take in Grizabella. Not even her own kind.

Victoria sees how strangely similar they are and feels a kinship that has no pity in it at all, but wonder and respect.

So Victoria sings this new song expressing the first admiration Grizabella has heard in god alone knows how long, reminding her she has had an amazing life worth envy and renown, and she pulls this horrible decrepit old mess of a cat into the Jellicle Ball, where she is FINALLY relieved of her pain.

Like? I'm crying right now?

It isn't a serious musical, but Grizabella's story runs through it like a cold current, something real and terrible, surrounded by absolute ridiculousness. Her numbers are deadly serious, never played for laughs. And ultimately it is her story that turns out to be the most important one, the truest one, and it is dark, and it is hopeful but only in only the most painful and grief-stricken way. She isn't brought back into a comfortable life with other cats to be happy and surrounded by love. She essentially...dies and goes to cat heaven. She embodies hope itself to the others, and her ascension represents a deeply humbling lesson in humility and grace. Her suffering and her ascent represent the possible future of every one of them, and now they have to confront that, and their treatment of her. She was rewarded, and for all their beauty and charm they were not.

Anyway I'm not normal about it.

The lyrics from Beautiful Ghosts that I love are:

Perilous night, their voices calling. A flicker of light, before the dawning. Out here the wild ones are taming the fear within me. Scared to call them my friends and be broken again. Is this hope just a mystical dream?

and

And so maybe my home Isn't what I had known, what I thought it would be. But I feel so alive With these phantoms of night, and I know that this life isn't safe but it's wild and it's free!

Like, come on. It's a lovely song and it took my breath away in the theater.

Ugh this musical touched me as a feral cat girl of 10 and it touches me again as a sad catguy in their 40s. Truly a very stupid work of weirdly meaningful art and one for the ages.

There are much better musicals, but none of them are part of me.

#cats the musical #grizabella

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yuribeam · 10 months

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my family’s disabled. EDS and tethered cord confirmed in some but everyone has roughly the same progression of symptoms. my mom and sibling have already had tethered cord release surgery and we’re in the process of looking at my spine.

im in the process of figuring out what’s normal and what’s not, how to identify sensations, how to take care of myself, how to cope with a body that works less and less. i am also autistic, so for me, that means identifying specific feelings and sensations can be difficult

so earlier today i was woken up from a nap by my mom telling me she’s leaving for dinner with my stepdad. im always down for pad thai so i get myself up, together, and out the door in about five minutes. which is not really enough time to assess how my body is feeling, which is difficult for me anyway.

before dinner im already feeling a little lightheaded and clammy and i figure i just need to eat, which i do, and it is in fact worse. i excuse myself for the restroom, thinking it’s because my stomach’s been weird, don’t feel better. silently rushing my mom to wrap up chatting with my family bc i feel like i need to be home. make it home, curl up on the recliner, feel some sharp pains along my spine, watch a little star trek, eat some leftovers, yknow

then my mom comes into my room before bed and says that she recognized how i was feeling at dinner. cold but feeling overheated, clammy, pale, almost a bit dizzy, hungry but not hungry, needing to put my head in my hands and shift around, uncomfortable but unable to pinpoint what's wrong. she says, i've felt like that a lot too, for decades, and i always think did i eat enough protein did i drink enough did i do something wrong to trigger something i can’t recognize, and actually?

i think it’s just pain.

which is currently kind of blowing my mind a bit to realize, that although i know people with chronic pain will not recognize their pain the same as able bodied people

i am more likely to feel the side effects of pain than the pain itself

put another way, i am experiencing my body reacting to pain whether or not i feel more or less than usual of what i think of as pain (sharp, shooting, twinge, spasm, pointy ache..).

I thought of general pain or the constant background pain as just a low ache that maybe comes with some stiffness and soreness, but I am feeling it through other senses and manifestations as well

so im really rethinking about how to recognize and predict and categorize and classify pain. it made me think of the emotions wheel, which you probably recognize a version of if you’ve had therapy

and i think something like this with words for physical sensations like restless, queasy, tight, collapsible, unsteady, foggy, tensed, and probably better words i’m not thinking of, would be a helpful start to identify how to communicate what is going on with my body

is this relatable to anyone? how do you recognize and communicate feelings in your body that you’ve gotten used to but are not medically “normal”? what words would you put on the sensation wheel?

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littleeyesofpallas · 5 months

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today i'm just wrangling all my weird loose ends and crackpot theories. Stuff that doesn't actually have enough evidence to support it, or that I just personally headcanon or that just doesnt go anywhere or come back again often enough to really derive any meaning or implications from. stuff i can't really justify making individual posts on, so im making a post about how unpostable they are collectively

warning: long, also warning: nonsense

So we know Bleach operates on a loose variation of the Buddhist samsara/rinne, the wheel of reincarnation, in which souls cycle through many lives in different forms, experiences hardships in life and the pain of loss and death continuously until/unless they can achieve enlightenment, as the first Buddha did, and in doing so escape the cycle of death and rebirth, ascending to a higher state of being in which life and death no longer apply. In traditional art of Buddhist cosmology this is represented by the Buddha being present off to one corner, literally physically outside the elaborate illustration of the wheel and its many facets(itself encompassed by the demon mara). This Buddha role is the figure the Spirit King occupies in the hierarchy of the Bleach cosmology, but there are a few little orbital details that are clearly related to that role, but as I stated in the preface to all this, never really go anywhere....

So there's this thing in Hinduism and by some association Buddhism (although it plays more into Hinduism's actual faith in the mythology of their gods, where as a lot of Buddhism may still invoke the divine but ultimately is about undermining and escaping the authority of said cosmological structure) called the Hiranygagarbha[हिरण्यगर्भः] "The Golden Womb"/"Golden Egg," or "Universal Womb"/"Primeval Womb," and is associated with various gods described as Svayambhu[स्वयम्भू] "Self Born," many of which are some variation on a/the creation god --effectively it's just the explanation that while everything comes from something, the original something had to have come from nothing, or else there's just an infinite number of questions that theologians would be forced to come up with infinite answers for.

But it posits that while something may have come from nothing, that something still had to follow certain understood notions of cause and effect, like incubation and birth. Ergo the creator god didn't just blink into existence fully formed, he was "born" from the nothing and as the first and initially only thing to exist he birthed himself. In these myths he is frequently described as initially existing either "beyond" or without senses --obviously the without senses bit mirror's YHWACH's origin, but to exist not without a capacity to see, hear, feel, etc... but in a place or state in which those senses cannot perceive also echo's Aizen's rambling about power levels as he rapidly ascends toward godhood before being beaten surpassed by Ichigo.

But beyond creation myths the Golden Egg is evoked in some elements of meditation in which each person, in their innate capacity for enlightenment and this divinity, has within them their own egg, and to retreat into that egg and explore the potential to self actualized as a mental act of birthing an ideal self, has overt parallels with Bleach's use of an inner world in which the zanpakutou spirit, a reflection of the self and of a potential for power, dwells.

Incidentally the egg also facilitates the creation of the world itself, one half of the discarded shell from the god's birth becoming the realm of the material and the other half becoming the realm of the celestial, and as per some rants I've been on before, between it and some questions about how zanpakutou really work, it reminds me very distinctly of a few other anime/manga where a god spirit's aura or range of influence, for which a lesser spirit's would normally sustain a single person, encompasses a domain in which the totality of other people's existences reside.

In addition the egg itself, a concept called Purusha that is at times a god and at times a concept, is in some myth the creator god in question in relation to the Golden Egg, born from said egg, and then thru their dismemberment by other gods, the world is molded. So obviously some pretty overt, if superficial similarities with the Spirit Kings lack of limbs and, yeah sure if we want to acknowledge it, the LN's feeble additions to lore.

But as a concept it represents self-awareness in the idea that there is a kind of Platonic ideal of the perfect awareness of everything that is in its definitive and empirical state that has become unknowable by the division of that primordial self-awareness, but which exists in fragments in all living things.

The quartering of the body is also the basis of the 4 castes in traditional Indian society; although that dismemberment is not specific to two legs and two arms like the Spirit King's.

But speaking of the spirit king's body parts, there's a neat thing going on with the design of his eyes that got weirdly ditched... In his original appearance the 4 solid black pupils were shown in top-bottom, and left-right orientation, but once he showed up again later, Kubo switched to a 4 corners sort of thing instead. At the time there was no Allmighty reveal and thus no established power of all-seeing yet, but in the eventual context of The Almighty and it manifesting in YWHACH's increased pupil count from 1 to 2 to 3, it becomes apparent that should he reach full potential he would have the same eyes as the Spirit King.

But then what capacity for all-seeing powers has the Spirit King really shown? Well, not a lot in practice, although YHWACH addresses the Spirit King as one who had at one point seen the future. But notably the original design, which had been scrapped and pushed entirely out of mind by the time any of these new contextual details were actually being written in, actually does seem to imply some faculty of all-sight in the Spirit King: The Gotei 13. Their insignia frame, which we typically see with a captain's associated squad number, is shown during an explanation of the Shihouin's Onmitsukidou, is its own symbol even without any numbers. And the insignia appears to be a stylized depiction of the Spirit King's all-seeing eye. Is the insignia itself some kind of magic sigil or artifact, or simply symbolic of a role the Gotei plays? Who can say.

Let's circle back to the Golden Egg though, because the anime changed its color to blue, almost matching the color and style of the generic Quincy spirit bows/arrows. But I personally always instinctively assumed it was a kind of golden hue; something the digital colorist clearly thought as well, which was gratifying. But I also assumed the coloration was something that matched a number of other things, and with very distinct meaning: Orihime's shields, Hacchi's barriers, and the Menos Grande's Negación beams. Before the Spirit King's crystal was even an issue to deal with, there was already a very conspicuous link,

Orihime and Hacchi have the same powers of Event Rejection

Hacchi's Rejection barriers stem from his Visored powers

Hacchi's barriers thus appear to be a more refined Negación

Orihime's powers are said to tread on the authority of God

With those implications in place, it seemed evident that part of the reason for the Spirit King's inertness and imprisonment in the stasis crystal was that thru some divine power, be it his own or someone else's, the crystal exists to reject events happen around/to him to preserve him in a particular state. And since we know it didn't seem to protect him from bodily harm, there would implicitly be a more important and perhaps abstract thing in mind being actively undone.

This in turn would have provided an adequate excuse for Orihime being unable to reject the crystal being broken, and the Spirit King's injuries within it, because as we learned from Hacchi; she has to understand what she's rejecting, and those powers are most potent when aimed at the abstract (an event) and not an object (an injury). For her to reject a rejection would mean understanding the nested abstract events taking place, which frankly no one was ever brought up to speed on, whether we're talking my theories here or the actual canon of the manga. This I would have found much more acceptable than Kubo falling back on "Important character too strong, implicit functions of established powers don't work on him." Which is a bad habit Kubo has just in general; he never actually thinks out the implications of how world building on the plot he's writing, he just muscles thru it by making up new excuses, rather than going back into what he's already established to find interesting ways for preexisting abilities or factoids to interact. He very consistently fails to "yes, and..." himself.

Anyway...There's also a little followup on my persistent rambling about the nature of hollows and of the elusive Vastolorde. Until the revival one-shot just a few years ago, it was easy to forget about Hell in Bleach considering it never really came into play. But there was one interesting point made that hollows who have sinned in life go the hell, while the others are purified. Most hollows implicitly are just spirits of the dead overcome by powerful emotions, but their monstrous qualities aren't considered a sin, they're an animal-like instinct. And this is addressed only barely by Zommari's indignant rant against the moral authority of the Shinigami; that the natural way if things is to let hollows exist, but the shinigami invented the morality and ethics of "protecting" humans from hollows, and "purifying" hollows with zanpakutou. And we know from the example of someone like Nel that the Arrancar process returns a kind of human intelligence and morality to a Hollow, even across the process of individual spirits becoming hollows, amassing into colony minded Gillians, and then reemerging unique personalities as Adjuchas.

I still maintain the real/sensible trajectory of the Nel plot should have been that she was a Vastolorde, that Nnoitra was sent to hunt Vastolorde, but threatened by her and infuriated by her power tempered with human morality, was beat and spared but took a cheap shot to break her mask, effectively forcing her into being a mock-arrancar, like Isshin and Urahara discussed, and so Nnoitra reported back negative results on the hunt to guard his own position in the Espada. But in the face of being unable to find enough surviving Vastolorde, Aizen's plan would be to take existing mock-arrancar and have Orihime reject the event of their mask removal, so that he can remove it via the Hougyoku. In this way I think Nel could have had her generic hot-girl-ification in a more sensible and satisfying way than magic cloud of smoke de-baby-fication. I think it also would have made for a cool reveal for Orihime's uniquely abstract event rejection --as opposed to time reversal-- to mean that although the process of her transformation would be undone, her experiences post break would not, thus she'd still remember Ichigo and be able to turn on Aizen and join the goodguys accordingly.

Anyway, even without all that, Nel and her goofballs, and to a lesser extent Starrk and even Ulquiorra, and sort of Harribel, all prove that the Arrancar are capable of a pretty normal moral spectrum and aren't in fact just evil or monsters all the way down. In fact, it was always kind of present since Sora's chapter way back in the beginning. In fact, Sora was the first Hollow to be drawn with the now iconic double mouth, the prior two were just monsters. Sora however showed his human mouth behind the mask, and that was a feature that would carry forward from there. In fact, at the end of chapter 25 there is also the original arrancar hook, where we see Aisslinger perform surgery on GrandFisher. But while the main event is the removal of the mask, there's also the bodily surgery taking place that suggests that what would later be identified as the mock-arrancar process involves digging the humanoid back out from under not only the mask but the hollow's inhuman, bestial body as well.

This is in turn echoed when we see Wonderweiss born as an arrancar in a much cleaner process, but one not dissimilar to Grandfisher's; his wrapped hollow form, while generally humanoid --and thus implicitly a Vastolorde-- also clearly includes some large protrusions that are stripped away along with the majority of his mask. And as Uryuu relates from Urahara's briefings, the more human form also means more human intelligence. Along with the apparent moral fiber of the matter it really seems like when a hollow gets more human, it gets more human in almost all respects. (ignore that harribel bit in the image there, we'll come back to it...)

So what happens when they get the most human?

I've also gone over my whole thing before that the Nelgal Ruins seemed like the natural evolution of the architecture of the menos grande, lending yet another level of humanity to the hollows: society. More over, my crackpot headcanon that in the human development of the Vastolorde they discovered religion, and comprised the first cult of YHWCH. Of note in this random line of thought is that fact that Lille Barro is considered to be the first Sternritter given a schrift. It's not clear if that means that the sternritter we know are considered contemporaries (even ignoring the confusing timeline of Juugram and Bazz-B's whole flashback) and among them Lille is the first among them, or if there have been prior generations of sternritter and Lille is as survivor of some batch of sternritter long predating the current recruiting push.

But there is the question of if Lille is an arrancar or not. He somewhat conspicuously speaks Spanish, although the Sternritter do have a loosely international shtick going on in their roster. But he also has a lot of design notes in common with Starrk, although it's super unclear if that's applicable to in world logic, or just a pattern in Kubo's art. The biggest hiccup in this would perhaps be that he has no signs of a mask fragment, but then the same went for Luders Friegen. Notably Asguiro Ebern still had a mask and Luders made a point to speak down to him. While we never got any clarification on that, I think it seemed like the superiority complex came from being less arrancar-like. And I wonder if there wasn't a process by which the Wandenreich were removing mask fragments in their entirety, resulting in a kind of forced and imperfect humanization process, but from which highly humanoid and thus Quincy-fiable arrancar could be produced.

And while the shot of Harribel was obviously just fanservicey battle damage, I like to think that the plan was to convert her, and that she was in the process of having her bone armor components stripped off, not unlike the process Grandfisher and Wonderweiss underwent: it resembles Wonderweiss' in posture, but Grandfisher's in bloody tortuous overtone.

Primitive Arrancar, without the ability to gain shinigami-like powers via the hougyoku, stripped of their masks might theoretically regain human intelligence, but would lose their masks and sense of self with no way of storing it in a sword let alone being able to retrieve it. What better subjects to manipulate with the promise of a discovery of self and of identity; drink of YWHACH's blood and receive the sense of self you lack. Something to fill that hole in your heart.

Then there's the thing I mentioned earlier about how there's some interesting implications about what it means to throw a bunch of spirits together into one superdense thing. And it turns out a lot of them seem to be pretty similar...

You throw shinigami souls together to make white, who is himself like an asauchi.

You throw i guess also shinigami(?) "something similar" together to get asauchi according to Oh-etsu

You throw powerful human spirits together and get the King's Key.

You throw hollows together and get a menosgrande

and if we care to dip a toe into the LN (which normally I would hesitate to do) we have at least one other zanpakutou, besides White, explicitly crafted from a menosgrande

and when the miracle baby reclaims quincy spirit power you get YWHACH

My supposition then is that the reason Vastolorde were so rare, and explicitly in hiding from Aizen, was that in the first place hunting menos is how the asauchi are created. The very first time we see a Gillian, Rukia even comments that it's the Royal Guard's job to take care of them, not regular shinigami. As the power scale of the series naturally escalates that begins to feel silly, but what if that's not because only the Royal Guard can defeat them, but because the Royal Guard and Oh-etsu in particular are uniquely suited to hunt/harvest them so they can be turned into new asauchi.

And in a way, if the Spirit King is indeed locked in a meditative state in his golden egg, if indeed the god sleeps in the egg, and the egg is the center of the world, and the world is the egg. If the world itself is the Spirit King's inner world, his bankai manifesting the internal as reality, then what is YHWACH if not the Spirit King's sword spirit? In the same way YHWACH is already a part of zangetsu within Ichigo. A reflection of the self, however dark, convinced that godhood is not in the Spirit King's best interest and determined to tear him from that throne? Is that not exactly what the fused Zangetsu tried to do in stopping Ichigo from learning the final getsuga and fighting Aizen? What is YHWACH's war on soul society but the struggle between two mirrored entities over who gets to stand at the top and who has to crawl around in the shadows?

What is the difference between a king and his horse?

#bleach meta #apocryphal meta #the meta meta?#just gibbering nonsense headcanon #and yarn and corkboard web weaving #it was already kinda unmoored to begin with #but i really lost track of where i was going somewhere in all this #so i just took the opportunity to end on a pretentious bleach quote when the chance presented itself

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purgemarchlockdown · 5 months

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Milgram and The Rose Bride

(CWs: Child Abuse, Cults, Unhealthy Relationships, Bullying, Sexism, Discussions of Ownership in the context of Marriage, minor mentions of sexual abuse and minor mentions of sexual abuse in relation to Minors)

(Spoilers for Utena!)

Alright so, since I'm putting this on the Milgram blog, most likely most people who see this don't know what the Rose Bride is and what that means so lets answer that question.

The Rose Bride is a concept in the 90s Psychological Shoujo Anime Revolutionary Girl Utena, in which the main premise is that a bunch of highschoolers are dueling for marriage (ownership) of the Rose Bride so that they can revolutionize the world.

Now, the thing is, The Rose Bride is a Real Person, and the implications of her ownership and the environment that Allows for that to happen are explored through the series, and the reason why I'm bringing it up in relation to Milgram is this.

"In the end, all girls are the rose bride."

Let's talk about Mahiru for a bit since her being so focused on romantic love makes it a lot easier to explain what I mean by this.

In T1 we get this interrogation from Mahiru:

T1Q20: What do you think about smoking? I've never smoked before, but I might copy him if who I love smokes.

This is a deeply concerning sentence, Mahiru has just stated that she is willing to do something incredibly physical destructive to herself if the person she loves is doing the same. This connects back to her thoughts on having "matching love."

We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad This is a claim of responsibility From the two of us with matching love

Now, the Rose Bride has to anything the person who is engaged to her tells her to do. The Rose Bride is not allowed any sort of Autonomy or Agency.

(Transcript Link for Utena Scripts)

Touga: The Rose Bride, cooking? Touga: You shouldn't do such things as cooking. Touga: You should only take care of the roses here. Touga: This birdcage is your territory. Touga: And you are the beautiful little bird which lives here. Touga: I want to possess this birdcage, and everything in it.

Touga: Himemiya Anthy is the Bride of the victor of the Duel. Touga: While she was engaged to you, the Code required her to obey you.

I Love You:

What am I supposed to do now? If you won’t tell me, I can’t be me

Mahiru is also probably the most traditionally feminine out of the entire female cast. With her priorities being love, romance, and having children.

(Mahiru Interrogation)

T2Q1: What's your opinion on Marriage? Mahiru: It's something I really dream of.

T2Q10: Do you like children? Mahiru: Yup. I always dreamed of having the older being a girl, and the younger being a boy.

Mahiru is willing to do Anything for love, even if it gets her hurt in the process. That's what she's Supposed to want, that's what is Supposed to bring her joy, that's what is Supposed to bring everyone joy. (Mahiru T1 VD)

Es: I honestly have no interest in those matters. Mahiru: What? No, no. There’s no such thing as that. Being in love is like a landmine. It’ll explode someday, you know? The only thing that differs is whether it happens earlier or later in life. It’ll happen to you too. Even if you don’t have any interest in it now, one day it’ll explode for you as well. All because you’ll have that fateful encounter with your special someone.

Love is what Everyone Wants and if you say you Don't you just haven't found the right person.

Mahiru: Yeah, yeah. You’ll deny it at first. I mean, I was like that as well. Before then, I always admired soap operas and shoujo manga because I thought that they depicted a world different from our own.

Voice: Once upon a time... Voice: ...there was a princess grieving over the deaths of her mother and father. Voice: Before this princess appeared a prince traveling upon a white horse. Voice: His appearance gallant, and his smile gentle, the prince enveloped the princess

The amatonormativity in Mahiru's worldview is clear. People are Supposed to fall in love and have the Normal Idealized Heterosexual Romance and there's Nothing Else Outside of That At All.

Mahiru: Yeah, yeah. You’ll deny it at first. I mean, I was like that as well.

Anthy: But I've been engaged to you, Utena-sama. Utena: I've told you to stop mentioning stuff like "engagement" and the "Rose Bride." Anthy: Nevertheless... Utena: Look, no matter how you look at me, I'm a regular wholesome girl. Utena: I'm only interested in wholesome boys, not a bride or stuff like that.

And Mahiru does a lot to preserve a "marketable" quality to her actions and behavior. TIHTBILWY is formatted like a magazine, something that is sold and bought by consumers. Erasing the messiness of her relationship or even Romanticizing those qualities to seem appealing.

Giving you love to the point of pulling you down It's just because I still get worried, please forgive me Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual, Is because I love you

Voice: but because of the strength of her admiration for the prince, Voice: the princess made up her mind to become a prince herself! Voice: But is that really good for her?

The story of the Prince in Utena is one that is a fabrication, it hides and excludes multiple Very Important parts of the story all in the favor of portraying the Ideal Fairytale Heterosexual Romance.

Unlike Utena who chooses to become a "Prince" (which is a concept I'll get into in a bit.) Mahiru is trying to make Herself the Rose Bride. She orientates her life around who she loves, she's willing to accept a lot of abuse for the sake of an Ideal Relationship, she even actively downplays her intelligence and strength! Something that is explored in detail by this post by archivalofsins you should check out.

Now that isn't to say Mahiru isn't a horrible partner. She is, and this is why. Mahiru is Expecting this sort of incredibly idealistic fairytale romance from her partner, an ideal that no person can possibly live up to without harming the people they care about and themselves!

Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let's just overheat together The things that I only want to say to you, and the things that I want from you Is love

My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!

You can't live up to this and you shouldn't want to! It's an unrealistic and unachievable ideal with a horrific power imbalance to boot! Yet Mahiru is Trying to conform to these ideals, trying to conform to the unrealistic expectations of women and relationships in society, and that's why she's here in the first place.

"He who believes friendship exists is a fool."

So these toxic and unhealthy ideals and expectations are at the core of Mahiru's character and her situation. But there ideals are perpetuated by an environment that promotes this sort of behavior, one that isn't unique to Mahiru's situation.

Muu Kusunoki is a 16 year old teenage girl who is both a victim of bullying and someone who bullies others for her own gain.

She also might of had a homoromantic relationship with her murder victim.

Let’s meet up inside the pain, a place just for me Postmortem makeup to hide my heart, how to solve it is a secret The stabbing of the little devil’s voice, counterattack being a suicide note “I love YOU”

I wonder who that reminds me of.

I'll get into Shiori in a second, but it's important to note that Muu introduces a concept that's present in Mahiru's story but is particularly present in Muu, the concept of the cycle.

Saionji: No... I was to be the one to rescue her from the coffin this time. Saionji: No! I am the one who will save her this time. The castle said to contain eternity... Saionji: the power to revolutionize the world...

The concept of eternity and nostalgia in Utena tends to be depicted as a coffin, one you need to break out of to grow.

Touga: If the egg's shell does not break, the chick will die without being born. Touga: We are the chick; the egg is the world. Touga: If the world's shell does not break, we will die without being born. Touga: Break the world's shell! Touga-Juri: For the sake of revolutionizing the world!

The duelists want the Rose Bride so that they can gain the power to revolutionize the world. Who she is does not Matter as much as what she can Give Them.

Now, this idea is particularly present in characters like Shidou and Kotoko who position themselves as saviors, not for the benefit of others but for what they Get out of that arrangement, thematically fitting the concept of the prince.

However, Muu is not the prince, she is not a savior. In fact she always positions herself as the victim, as someone pitiful and weak. (Crying B)

Muu: Hey… Prison guard, when you say “I”… Who are you talking about? Es: [breaking down] Muu: Prison guard? Es: [stumbles] Muu: Prison guard. What’s wrong? Prison guard! [shakes Es] Hey! Prison guard! Es: Shut up! Don’t touch me! Muu: [cries] You’re so cruel… I… Even though I was just worried about you… [cries again] I can’t take it anymore. I hate you, prison guard!

Es pain and breakdown is caused by something Muu said, and yet when Es very sharply tells her not to touch them because their uncomfortable with it. Muu immediately starts crying and talking about how much They got hurt because of what they did, when Es is currently unresponsive due to what she did to them, albeit unintentionally.

Muu needs to to be the victim, After Pain shows all the bad things that happened to her and not Any of the bullying she participated in. It's Not My Fault is a whole song about how everything she did was right actually and that everyone else was wrong.

Now, Muu isn't a master manipulator or anything. She's an impulsive 16 year old. If Muu was a master manipulator she wouldn't be here, would she? She'd be still in school taking the honey up as she was before Rei did whatever she did.

Muu gains power by being pitiful and weak so she'll be loved, and by its' very nature it's self-destructive. She cannot be Happy because if she Was this wouldn't work anymore. She Must be in a worse situation, she must be the victim, or else no one would pity and love her.

I am innocent as everybody desires

Juri: You're just like Shiori... Juri: ...cruelly innocent.

Muu cycles from being "weak and pitiful" to being "queenly and powerful" and tends to hurt herself in the process. This attempt at grabbing power and love through pity Harms Muu, and she seems to even be drowning in a lot of self-hatred and self-pity, and is looking for external validation to confirm that she's "good."

But I guess some of it is my faultMaybe it’s ok as it is I want to feel “alive”, is it ok if I breathe?

Hey, what if If I am a bad girl Don’t hate me. Don’t even try to proof from “After Pain”

And, in an attempt to gain power and control, Muu traps herself in a coffin.

Shiori: This is me, the real me! Shiori: And not the underdog that was living a miserable life in the shadow of the bright shining Juri! Shiori: The real me that surpasses the light. Shiori: Yes, this is the me that controls Juri.

But, it isn't all her fault.

Again, Muu really was bullied, horribly so if were judging by her lyrics in After Pain and the sequences we see in it.

If I was gone, If I had just disappeared I overheard, I found out How much I’m not needed

T1Q4: Is there something you hate? Scary people and ghosts. And right now, school.

Muu isn't lying about this, and Rei isn't fully sympathetic either, she did Hurt Muu and Muu really did want to apologize to her.

T1Q9: Do you have apologetic feelings for who you killed? A: The person who did the wrong thing first should apologize.

Shiori: Juri-san was so kind to me. Shiori: But I thought she was kind to me because she looked down on me, Shiori: and that she had pity on me for being plain and useless. Shiori: That's pathetic! Shiori: So I wanted to change my relationship with Juri-san. Shiori: But what I did with him made me more miserable than before. Shiori: I should have wanted it for myself! Shiori: But now... Shiori: Now I'm on equal terms with her. No, I've won! Shiori: I always had a place in Juri-san's heart. Shiori: I'm the winner! Shiori: What shall I do? I'm so delighted to know my friend's secret I almost can't bear it! Shiori: She suffered alone, looking at my picture in secret... Shiori: That was Juri-san? Poor thing! Shiori: No good! It's still no good! Shiori: How could you look at me like that?!Shiori: Why did it all turn out this way?

The school as a whole is letting a horrible environment of bullying and toxicity be left to rot and fester. You Really Can't create a healthy friendship in a world like that, it just won't let you. If your not friends with someone because you gain something from them, you'll suffer.

Muu: Wow, poor thing,.. I’ll teach you! Friends aren’t like that, you know. Rather than using each other for something, we just get along because we’re comfortable around each other. That’s all. Es: Well, I’m sorry about that. Muu: Haruka-kun is really nice! He accepts anything I say, he listens to anything I tell him. For me, that’s really comfortable. Es: And that’s… “friendship”? Muu: What do you mean? Of course we’re friends! Haruka-kun is happy with it, so it only has benefits for both of us! Es: I, as someone who has no friends, can’t judge, of course, but isn’t that just exploitation? Muu: Exploitation…? Um, I don’t really understand, but… I do help him pick out clothes [in return], and I recently gave him a hairpin I didn’t need anymore as a hand-me-down!

Akio: But sincerity by itself changes nothing. Akio: Without power, one finds themself merely depending on others to live.

Jackalope describes this relationship as a "Master-Servant" relationship and it seems like this is the type of friendship Muu is familiar with. She's emulating how her friendships were in school, just with someone else as the servant and her as the master.

T1Q1: What is a friend? A: Someone who properly listens to what I say.

Now this doesn't completely absolve her obviously, what she did was still Very Bad and even though she Breaks the hourglass in her MVs. She doesn't really leave it.

Muu does not want to accept responsibility for her actions, she believes herself to be justified and in the right, even when she has Done Wrong.

This unwillingness to accept when something she did is wrong and the unhealthy environment of Milgram that assigns strict moral value to people's actions and has no nuance in its judgement...leads her back into the cycle she was trapped in.

“A girl who cannot become a princess is doomed to become a witch.”

Now we've tackled the gender roles and horribly toxic cycles and ideals, so, what happens when you Can't work within those confines, or even want to break out of them? Just, hypothetically, if you cannot become a princess (which is everyone because the ideal of a princess is so incredibly unrealistic that anyone who aspires to be it would destroy themselves in the process) or Don't want to be a princess, what happens?

Well.

You become something Other.

Something Evil and Unnatural.

Something that needs to be Punished and Harmed.

So, now, this is where I have to mention that Utena as a show deals with underage sexual abuse, I didn't mention this for the other sections since they were not as relevant to those discussions. However since this section deals with the abuse received by the Rose Bride it feels important to mention.

I will not be referring to it in the context of Amane's due to how we don't have information in the text pointing to Amane being a csa victim. This is for the sake of Tact, as it feels wrong to speculate about it here and I do not feel like I'm the right person to examine this.

It will, again, be mentioned and alluded to, so stay safe and do what's good for your health.

So, Amane Momose is repeatedly dehumanized throughout her story.

This is a consistent theme with her, she is treated as something subhuman and terrifying.

In Purge March, Amane is consistently depicted as scary, threatening, or otherwise evil.

There's even a section in her T2 VD where Amane calls herself "evil," though it is done in a roundabout way while she's talking about Shidou (who I will get to in a bit.)

A: Both pain and illness are trials. According to our teachings, those who run from them are the worst evil there is. That’s one of the four great principles. No matter who you are, that cannot be forgiven. E: What are you…? A: Oh – speaking of which, there is one among the prisoners right now. An evil existence that’s trying to steal people’s trials away from them.

Shadow: The witch roams this world of darkness even now. Shadow: Seeking the young and noble, to sacrifice them anew! Shadow: Surely the light presents an obstacle to the witch, to her dominion over the dark. Shadow: Beware! Beware! She is still somewhere in this world...

Not only that, but Amane is The Cat, a symbol constantly associated with sin and impurity throughout the MVs with Kazui and Yuno.

And is implied to have actually Been asked if she was human by her parents.

(Amane T1 VD)

Amane: Yes. It is only natural for a person(/human) to apologize to another for breaking a promise. Es: … Amane: Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?

I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah!

Amane is not to be considered human, she's even collared and leashed in her Prisoner design, the medal and bow on her outfits in the MVs being another "collar" of sorts.

Amane Needs to be Restrained and Domesticated or else she'll bring harm to the people around her. She isn't good enough to be a "good girl" and seems to Know This.

Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl

It's always "I can be a better girl" or "I can be a good girl" and not "I am a good girl," and the line above implies its impossible for her to be one. It's not something she can do.

When she gets punished by her parents its to make her a "better girl," and to "change" her into a "good girl." It is love, for they are not leaving her to die as an animal.

(Amane Interrogations)

T2Q9: What does love mean to you? A: To spread mercy with no limits.

But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love I can really think it’s great. See isn’t it a great thing?

Even though these punishments keep on Almost Killing Her!

It's what she needs to go through to be good! And even if she doesn't even believe its possibly anymore what else can she do? Run? Running away from trials is a sin! One of the worst there is! She can't allow herself to be more sullied than she already is.

Plus she knows this is love, she isn't scared anymore, it's childish to be scared of it.

Akio: A child like you can't appreciate my ideals. Akio: The Rose Bride exists because of ideals you don't comprehend.

Plus there's a sort of comfort in it, she knows what happens next. She idealizes Milgram somewhat in T1, believing that it's possible for this world, that resembles her abusive environment so much, could be Good.

Amane: Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world! Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!

There's a comfort in Milgram's strict forgiven/unforgiven verdict system with a (theoretical) possibility of growth! And she later takes comfort in the same religious doctrine that Harmed her when Es does declare her as unforgiven.

If your so used to a situation, even if it harms you, why would you ever want to leave it? It's scarier if you leave it, you don't know what will happen next. At least at home, Amane knows what to do so she can get off a bit longer without getting hurt.

If you become a bad girl, monsters will come out This is the magic that stops that from happening

Akio: Anthy, the sword. Akio: That's right. You're a good girl, Anthy.

Amane's suffered for twelve or so years, an eternity trapped in a coffin. A cycle of abuse and pain and horror and fear. Why would she Ever want to leave it when what she's seen of the outside world is so horrible?

Amane: In fact, there have been people who said that to me. I’ve been told things like, “You’re being deceived.” “You can still make it right now.” “You’re crazy.”

People are always positioning themselves as stronger than her, people are always positioning themselves as smarter than her, people are always positioning themselves as Her Prince.

Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san. I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself? ……please give me back my test. It seems you don’t have the concentration levels required to be my teacher. I’m going to get Kotoko-san to teach me instead. Shidou: Amane…… I don’t think that’s true. However smart you may be…… you’re still just a child.

Utena: Cut it out with that "Rose Bride" or "possession" nonsense. Utena: That girl is an ordinary girl named Himemiya Anthy! Touga: Is she? Touga: Is it true that you're an ordinary girl? Utena: You don't like it, do you? Utena: Being the Rose Bride or whatever... Anthy: I... Utena: Go ahead, speak your mind! Anthy: My mind... Utena: Yeah! Utena: You hate being treated as the Rose Bride, right? Utena: Tell him clearly! Anthy: All right. Anthy: I hate being treated as the Rose Bride. Utena: What's so funny?

Amane: You are treating me as a child after all. Because I’m a child, you believe that I must have been brainwashed. It’s not like that. I, too— children, too, understand everything! Please don’t just decide that people must be unhappy.

What she wants doesn't matter! When has it ever mattered? The people who say it does, don't like it when she acts in a manner they don't expect and her parents have made it Very Clear that what she does isn't important to them.

Any sort of happiness she could possibly get tends to come from things that are outside of her cult. And because of that, she isn't supposed to have them, and she is wrong for wanting them in the first place.

And yet...Amane cares so much about having free will and autonomy though, it's her main argument in her T1 VD and her biggest problem with her treatment.

Amane: I see. Then, are the things that I as a twelve-year-old think irrelevant? Are you going to cast aside the feelings that I know I have in this very moment, purely based on the fact that I have not yet lived for a very long time? Judging these things based on someone’s age will not take you very far. Do I, at age twelve, not have my own will?

That's the thing with Amane Momose, she doesn't want to be a "princess."

T2Q13: If you could be reborn, would you still choose to be yourself? A: Obviously.

She wants to stay as her, no matter what. In spite of all of this she doesn't want to be anything else But Her. Even if it gets her hurt.

Amane helped the cat because she wanted to, she saw it hurt and couldn't look away.

Utena: Hey, save her! Utena: It's too cruel! Utena: Save her! Utena: Save her...

And in the eyes of god, she was wrong for doing so.

Dios: She can no longer be saved.

’Tis ordained, thou shall follow thine destiny

But again, Amane doesn't want to die.

T1Q12: What is the meaning of life? A: I think it is something you learn for the first time when you look behind yourself when it ends. I do not want to have regrets then, so I live on with all my might.

This was the tipping point of her, how much more is she willing to suffer? How much longer is she willing to stay here? Because she will die, it's not an if, its a when.

So, she decides, to break out of her coffin, and while it is partially due to how she was given a righteous reason to kill her mother. It is a crime that is mainly motivated by self-preservation and hatred.

Amane: Furthermore, isn’t it condescending of you to assume that just because I happen to be a child, I am incapable of hating someone enough to kill them?

Unfortunately for her, the audience isn't as willing to accept that.

I talk about it in more detail over here but we are Constantly positioned in the place of her abusers. From framing to her opinions on us, ever since we voted her guilty in T1 for the primary reason of "making her realize her mistakes." we mimic her parents.

Since she cannot become a princess, she becomes a witch, and is forced right back into that cycle she desperately tried to escape.

And Someday, Together, We'll Shine

So, that's a bit of a downer. But even so we have hope!

It's not exactly easy when the system built is so counter-productive to everyone's wellbeing and development that it often makes them worse instead of better.

But Amane has made a promise to live. Muu Does want to have genuine relationships with the people around her. And Mahiru has admitted her relationship wasn't as ideal as she initially thought.

And sometimes, you just need to see a possibility for something outside of all this to be able to get out of it.

Anthy: What will you be doing in ten years? Utena: I dunno. But... Anthy: But? Utena: But I hope we can be together like this drinking tea then. Anthy: Yes. I hope so too. Utena: I'm sure that'll be great. Utena: Let's have tea and laugh together ten years from now, okay? Utena: Promise? Anthy: Yes. Definitely.

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