#which just feels like even more bullshit to me considering everything beforehand

[chibikittens]

I'm not sure if it's b/c I switched over to the book from the manhwa, over if it's b/c I've reread everything up to ch 150, but it's feels apparent to me that Dokja is very skilled and not just because he's the reader of Ways of Survival. (I mean, I bet this gets addressed later but I haven't read the entire thing so please don't spoil the further chapters!)

He very rarely ever acknowledges it, but there were a few moments here and there where he reveals that he got drafted into the army, and then he almost never thinks about it or mentions it after these tidbits. Almost every "badass" thing he does, he attributes to being a reader. (And I'm sure this helps a lot!) But, thinking about it, if I were in his situation and an apocalypse happened that I read about beforehand and knew all the little secrets of, I still highly doubt I could survive. At the very least, I doubt I could survive like he has, and that's not even considering whatever "good ending" plan he seems to be striving for.

He may say that he's gotten this far due to luck, or being a reader, or whatever, but I think there's a lot more to his history than he lets on. He showcases a lot of strategic knowledge and manages to survive in these situations that are fully bullshit-difficult, and it's my theory that it ties into this part of his history he hasn't elaborated on yet (by ch 150 anyway). I think this is also why the "badass" Jonghyuk gets stressed more easily despite being way more powerful that Dokja; before the apocolypse, he was a pro-gamer (and presumably also not drafted like Dokja was). In all likelihood, he was just playing video games before the apocalypse happened, and wouldn't have been prepared (mentally) for this horrible life-or-death world-ending event.

It also makes me reconsider his "Fourth Wall" skill. Yes, he probably has this b/c he's a reader, but it also reads a lot like dissociation to me, which feels like something he could also have gotten from being drafted. (I mean, he's all but admitted to reading as a coping mechanism, which could be b/c of dissociation or something similar.)

He plays himself off as being a very simple person but truthfully, there's a lot more going on under the surface and I find it fascinating.

(Again, pls don't spoil anything as I'm not done reading, but I felt the need to get this out of my system haha)

[zombzqueer]

VENTING !!

contact stance stuff, xs, etc. Scroll if you don’t like those topics.

I heavily dislike seeing how there are so many pro-contacts in the community. My system has only been in the community since the start of this year, so maybe there have always been this many pro-cs, but I feel like I’m seeing them more and more often. I’ll be scrolling the radqueer tags and I’ll see 2-3 guaranteed. And I’ve blocked so many already. I think since the rise of more harmful blankqueer labels being coined, along with things like “peri-xenosatanist”, beings are just so much more comfortable admitting to being supportive of these terms at the least.

Xenosatanism has been around for a while, but from what I’ve seen it was always it’s always been “out of sight out of mind” or “xenosatanists aren’t radqueer and aren’t welcome here” or even exposing beings for identifying as such. It was encouraged to alienate these individuals. They would remain hidden and the ones who didn’t were usually reported and t-worded (not saying it because it feels like bad luck) quickly. And now they’re everywhere. I’m seeing so many peri-xs in particular. Beforehand, I’d see comp-c most often; and I can’t help but think beings were hiding behind that label instead of admitting to being pro-c or pro-noncon or whatever else. A lot of our old mutuals are now even pro-c, xs, or supportive/neutral of these things. And that sucks. I really liked some of you guys. Why did you have to start agreeing with this bullshit? Why support non-con? Also, a lot of the pro-cs I’ve seen are minors, which… is an issue all on its own. You’re putting yourselves at risk. I don’t care if you think you can consent; you can’t. Oh and now anti-contacts are the ones getting hate. Why? Why? Of course we don’t want to interact with you, you’re supporting all these awful things. It isn’t right. Morally or legally. Basedqueers, lsdqueers, lacedqueers, noxiaqueers, etc- you’re disgusting.

If I’m being rude, I don’t care. Fuck these abusers. I’m sick of this. I’ve considered leaving the community because of individuals like this. Even considered becoming an anti. But really I can’t; I don’t believe in the things antis believe in. Everything I believe in makes me a radqueer and I can’t get rid of my ideologies (nor do I want to really). There isn’t another space for me, so I stay here since I’m so rq-aligned. I call myself a supporter instead. Even if I don’t want to be in a community that welcomes abusers. But really I wish there was a space for beings like me, ones who don’t want to associate with all the harmful identities. I wish there was something else like radqueer, some other community.

[mrsfezziwig]

Confessions of a K-pop Fanfic Reader (part one)

So you are right there, you've heard the first few chords, vocals, rap and beat of a song and after capturing it with Shazam, you read the name of the song except... you can't.... because it's in Hangul; that's K-pop right? And disbelief with disappointment burrows and worms into your psyche. You only listen to English language music as there's no point in hearing something you don't understand, if you wanted something that had lyrics you didn't understand you'd listen to Gregorian chant songs. Still, you feel the need to find the rest of the track but something inside you lurches because K-pop is innocent, childish, nothing but ridiculous Crayon Pop bright colours and T-ARA's "bo-peep, bo-peep, bo-peep, bo..." or the unexpectedly self aware and satirical Gangnam Style (although you haven't necessarily read the translated lyrics yet).

You can't possibly be considering taking the 'genre' seriously? But, those infectious few English lines are stuck in your damn brain and you can't stand the not knowing anymore, so you sneak away to the toilet or claim to be doing some extra work so your discomfort at the possibility of someone seeing and mocking you for it is minimised as much as you can. Hell, you watch porn more openly than this but you still open the Shazam you made a few days or weeks before, knowing you are one click or finger tap away from being completely ridiculed by your friends or family or both for being even willing to consider taking actual time out of your life for K-pop.... But with a deep breath you plunge in, probably with a Stray Kids, BTS or Ateez song and suddenly you are breathless because although you don't understand everything being said, you are completely blown away at the MV quality, which is better than some Western movies in terms of storytelling and editing. Unbeknownst to you the artworks that this small Asian country creates come ready made with the captions in English, plus a few other languages yet it's probably for the best you don't know that because the simple quality of the video takes your breath away.

Wait up though... these people can't possibly be human! How do they all look so fucking good? And how old are they? They look like fresh-faced mid-teens only they can all sing and dance? Oh, but HOLY SHIT CAN THEY RAP-RAP! [Looking at you Rapracha]. It is just impossible that these humans not only exist but most of them dance hardcore choreo whilst singing live too. Nah, nah, nah... it's all bullshit. AI is so fucking good now that these people aren't real.

That's pretty much how discovering K-pop didn't happen for me, an adult old enough to have student debt until I die, who will never own a home because fuck you baby boomers, and finds children to be more like crotch goblins designed to test every last one of the few nerves in my battered self that aren't fucked up by my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

My introduction was truly bizarre; I was married for 20 years - before my husband decided my disability meant he had free reign to fuck anyone who wanted him as I couldn't do it anymore - and my now ex-husband's co-worker had a daughter who wrote fanfics. Now, I was horribly, horribly naïve and rather dumb when I agreed to be a reader, editor and kind of coach for this girl. Not once in my entire life had 'fan fiction' come up in my bubble, I went into the whole endeavour genuinely believing that Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook were Wattpad characters, not real people.

I thought they were like how Reddit has it's 'marriage counselling' and 'divorce' thing that everyone knows is said on that social media platform, or that Facebook has it's passive aggressive posts bitching about something, the baby daddy/mama drama fueled by said posts, the vague sympathy grabbing status updates and fake news, or X's hate trains. Having never heard of BTS (and by having done no googling beforehand) I went into it as if these weren't real people. To say the writing was atrocious from this teen was an understatement, and I was honest about it, figuring you don't ask someone for feedback if you don't want criticism. If all you wanted was read counts, votes and comments, I could have done that multiple times a day to boost you, which it turns out was pretty much exactly what she was really wanting.

Soon though, I was reading other books from the ones recommended at the end of my current read and it staggered me just how fucking good these books were. Some of them desperately deserve to be published in the conventional way with their highly detailed and provoking writing that I still return to time and time again. However, one glaring detail eventually stood out to me as I lay in a hospital bed with IV antibiotics in one arm and opioid IV in the other, having very, very little of importance to ponder, and one thing that stood out all of a sudden, and I couldn't avoid anymore, was how no one described the characters in terms of look and age; it was as if the writer assumed everyone reading knew what they looked like already...

Now my fucking dumbass was still thinking these were 'Wattpad characters', thus there would be a master document on the app with these details, right? Please bear in mind it had been a year or more that I had been living in the misconception fog thinking these weren't real people at that point, so a master list of characters to choose from simply made sense to me.

Yep, I am kind of stupid for assuming, and yep, I trawled the Wattpad help pages for far too many hours looking for this document or link to one, which admittedly gave me something to focus on as the cocktail of pharmaceuticals made me feel nauseous and also rather high. Am I just too trusting and gullible or can anyone else see my flawed logic here?

As it began to niggle more, seeing the references to South Korea (with the incredibly amusing American way of behaving ascribed to the country that was worlds different to the USA), with Seoul, Busan and Daegu all mentioned my singular lonely brain cell bounced around my skull sparking something off in there. That's when it dawned on me this could be a kpop thing and I finally googled the most common name from the stories, Jungkook, and felt like a bucket of ice water was tipped over my head as I realised that these people were real. Yeah, yikes 😬💀

It distressed me that I had been so blasé as to read these pieces without questioning the similarities. I was even considering becoming a co-writer for the first girl until that moment. Some of this can be explained by my condition during 2018 to 2019, with multiple hospital admissions due to infections or injuries from the Ehler-Danlos Syndrome. One of the infections almost killed me because it was missed for too long and had moved into early stage sepsis. There was no way I could focus on my normal book fare of Charles Dickens and thick, detailed history books and, being truly, truly frank, Wattpad saved my fucking sanity over those two daunting and harrowing years, never demanding more than my mind could handle with all the drugs being pushed into my system.

Plus there were hundreds of thousands of stories to pick from that weren't even Fanfic, about real people or other author's characters. Although I was careful as I was passionately determined to avoid anything that I would consider debauched and invasive, the mature content option was firmly turned off, and the first sign of smut had me gone! A few kisses or implied sexual conduct squeezed through but not full smut. Hello repressed religious trauma!. The amount of stories that were not flagged as Mature Content pissed me off then and pisses me off still.

Once the shock of finding out the truth was easing a little, I decided I needed to actually watch some BTS music videos to try and understand the craziness of it all. What I never expected was just how deep the songs were and are, nor how intellectual the entire industry is because who the fuck else is making music videos based around novels like Demian in the West?

I didn't realise in addition that not only Korean would sneak its way into my brain but that the whole idol industry is interwoven with its own language. This answered many questions I had about the common jargon such as comeback, lore, promotions, era, main, lead, sub, bias, bias wrecker/s, OT#, Big4, ult, PC (photo card), fan meets, Naver, Weverse, V-Live (rip to the GOAT), Chan's Room [*sniff* Baby, you aren't in any trouble, okay? Please just come home, we all miss you and love you, please, please come back!], 1/2/3/4th Gen, and more my messed up brain can't recall so late at night and after the various narcotics that I take to function.

And those narcotics are saying no more today!

So I shall see you in part two!

[eonars]

Any advise for applying to PhD programs? Congrats by the way!

thank you!! sorry this is so late my notifications are in an absolute state and this is the first time I've been on desktop all week

I'm not sure if I'm the best one to give advice for applying to PhDs cause I honestly got rejected from SOOO many before I got this one. I'd applied for maybe 15-20 (bear in mind, this was in the sciences so they were all paid positions in funded projects, if you want advice on self funded I'm not the one) and came in second or third place more times than I can remember, which is totally useless at the end of the day cause they're only picking one person.

By the time this one rolled around I'd more or less given up and was seriously considering just moving to LA and becoming a tattoo artist lmao. But on a serious note it's super easy to get discouraged, especially when you're regularly getting top 3 candidates out of like 100 applicants and STILL not managing to get the top spot, and I don't really have amazing advice for that because I did get entirely discouraged and had basically given up the ghost at this point.

ANYway though I got recommended for this position by my former master's supervisor and immediately thought I was way underqualified for it, but decided to just apply anyway cause it was really no effort and I had nothing to lose (except my remaining shred of mental fortitude after yet another rejection but whatever). I bullshitted a motivation letter using the main bit of advice my master's supervisor gave me (it needs to sicken you a little to read it, go in and write in such a confident voice that you're the only one for this position that it feels kinda gross to write it, can expand on this further if you want) and submitted that and all my other things and got selected to interview!

So at this point I'm still kind of in my fuck it we ball half given up state but even half given up I'm still an academic weapon so I spent hours reading and preparing (we were tasked with doing a 15min presentation and I godsweat everything I'm asked to do). I also came off a little manic in the actual interview cause I hadn't slept and after doing so many interviews that led nowhere my nerves were completely shot, but I think that ended up working to my benefit because I came off as really bubbly and personable? Which is always a benefit in science-oriented spaces because there's always gonna be a million guys who know all the science and techniques and theory but can't hold a basic conversation, and you can really set yourself apart by being an engaging even slightly jokey type character. So overall being in the fuck it we ball mindset and letting my kind of tweaky goofy not at all stuffy academic professional side out ended up working to my advantage I think because they seemed to really like me in the interview. I'm also generally good at presenting and making visually pleasing, clean presentations (if you can make something tasteful looking that isn't just blocks of black text on a white default slide you're gonna be cooking with gas here).

Like I said before my qualifications (as in actual scientific experience pertaining to this project) were lacking to the point where I was strongly considering not even applying, so I really think it was the interview that sealed the deal for me. I gave a well-rehearsed, clean presentation that I practiced countless times beforehand, and even though they gave me two publications to work off of for the presentation I did my own further research and included figures and information outside of what I was provided. I also found a way to spin this specific project into the exact logical next step for my career, tie it into my own personal values and the impact I want to have on the world, and just basically make it look like this one project was made for me specifically and I wanted to be part of it because of what it was, NOT because I was ready to do any project that was dropped in front of me at that point. Especially in STEM, I feel like coming off as personable, agreeable, and social is going to give you a major advantage. They're not looking for a science robot who never leaves the lab, they're looking for someone who can present at conferences, write effective and clear publications and communications, work in a group in multiple different settings, go with the flow, solve problems etc.

Reading back on this now I'm realizing "get to the brink of giving up, plan running away and joining the circus, and be visibly mentally ill in the interview" isn't amazing advice but I uh, hope this helped somehow. If I can do it anyone can do it man.

[ravenadottir]

you don't think erikah was snakey?

i think erikah made a mistake.

was she snakey? hmmmmm, not enough to get the amount of hate she still gets...

if we're judging erikah's attitude here, alone, not counting whatever happened next (because let's face it, the boy kissed someone else because he wanted to, not because erikah is part of the umbrella academy and heard a rumor), then erikah made ONE (1) mistake.

but she didn't do it because she was purposely trying to ruin mc's couple so she could get the guy, or benefit in any way from the guy choosing cherry the next time.

it was a lapse of judgement. if she had acted poorly again and again, trying to mess up whatever mc had, then i would say "ok, this girl needs to be called out", but she didn't.

the entire time she was really close to mc, and really showed support and was her best mate in there. the thing that inflames me is the people saying everything was erikah's fault. that the reason cherrygate happened was on erikah.

ma'am, that's bullshit.

THE ACTUAL GIRL THAT WAS PRETENDING TO BE MC'S FRIEND not only kissed the guy, and didn't apologize for it, but also played down mc's feelings and used her white woman's tears to try and get away with it. but not before she ignored mc the whole day, invited the guy she kissed to go grocery shopping, AND kept escaping the apology for DAYS.

the entire time i was like "alright, when is this fucking girl actually gonna take responsibility for what she did???? when is she gonna stop hiding like a little pussy and actually own up to her mistake?" just as frequently as i questioned the fucking boy that was involved in the whole ordeal!

and not to mention we actually have a villain in the season, and that's not erikah, it's lucy, who was actually the dictionary definition of snakey.

lucy blatantly said she was there to win the guy back no matter what. she went behind mc's back any time she could, that was waaaaaay more snakey than anything erikah did.

not only did she try to steal the guy, AND bad mouthed mc to him in order to get it, MULTIPLE TIMES, but she also gaslighted mc every single time she was questioned about it.

but do you see people talking shit about lucy??? 'cause i don't! do you see people giving cherry shit??? 'cause i don't.

as a matter of fact people turn them into li's.

hey, is she your type? go ahead, make your mc fuck her. but they keep getting praise for being hot, meanwhile erikah gets shit for saying ONE thing, ONE time, and that's it.

and i'm not even considering the possibility of mc stealing ronan from erikah beforehand, which i truly believe it's what the writers wanted to happen, so erikah's single action was justified, but i digress.

she made ONE mistake and still gets hate. so no, i don't consider what she did snakey. i think it was a VERY FORGIVEABLE MISTAKE. especially when she admits that she was jealous of the attention mc was getting. she actually didn't ride a high horse, admitted what she did, explained why, apologized AND didn't gaslight mc before that.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

You said in another post you don’t believe the Knights of Walpurgis (aka Death Eaters 1.0) were all that plausible. Why is that?

Oof, this is a larger ask than I think you intend that gets into a lot of controversial things. Though, I suppose that’s what this blog has become.

Remember when I just talked about my weird fanfiction? Remember those days? I remember those days.

I guess to start out we need to go at a high level and acknowledge a few things.

For all we know about Tom Riddle’s life we know very little that came from himself. Most of what we know came to us via The Halfblood Prince, in Dumbledore’s lessons to Harry.

Think what you will about Dumbledore, benign or evil, but we can all acknowledge that the man had a clear goal and agenda in Halfblood Prince. Dumbledore was facing his imminent death, suddenly he no longer was looking at years but a few months to accomplish everything he needed to. He knows Harry is a horcrux, knows he himself no longer has time to hunt down Tom’s horcruxes himself, and instead must leave all his work to Severus and, partly, to Harry Potter.

Specifically, he has to groom Harry for suicide.

By the time Severus relays the truth to Harry (never mind that this very nearly didn’t happen in canon and what would Dumbledore do then) Harry must be prepared to sacrifice his own life to stop Voldemort. That, or Severus will have to murder the shit out of him, and that was probably plan B but Dumbledore would prefer it if Harry went along willingly so that the whole thing’s a little less shady. Dumbledore’s not murdering children if the children murder themselves!

This means, in part, convincing Harry that Voldemort is such a monstrous evil that his presence on this earth cannot be tolerated. Voldemort cannot be allowed to survive, even if Harry��s death does not guarantee Voldemort’s destruction, Harry must do it because Voldemort is that bad. There must be no hope, no recourse, and the only action Harry can take is martyrdom. 

And so, that is essentially what Dumbledore does. 

He gives Harry a series of lessons, hand selecting memories of Tom Riddle’s past (often shockingly innocuous), and then narrates them to tell Harry exactly why Tom Riddle is so evil today. The flimsy excuse of Harry wheedling information out of Slughorn is nice, but not necessary, as Dumbledore has no reason to believe this memory contains information he himself doesn’t already know (indeed, that Tom actually did make six horcruxes as he told Slughorn is a very strange coincidence as we rarely end up doing what we thought or being where we thought we would when we were sixteen). 

Per Dumbledore, Tom Riddle was born evil by his very conception, is doomed to be a lowly miserable creature, and that murdering him is effectively putting him out of his misery.

Right, how does this relate to this post?

Well, neverminding what JKR says outside of canon, we learn about the Knights of Walpurgis/Tom’s schoolboy syncophants from Dumbledore. Per Dumbledore, Tom Riddle, while a highly respected and charming student was Evil McEvil who had junior cultists galore. So, you see Harry, the man must die (ergo you must kill yourself).

However, this is frankly ridiculous and not in any way believable.

First, the Hogwarts era when Tom’s in school.

Personally, I believe Tom was regarded 100% as muggleborn. Tom went into Hogwarts with the last name Riddle coming from the muggle world. When he gets sorted into Slytherin he can point to know family members at all (and even if he could would, at best, be considered a low class halfblood). Tom doesn’t know the significance of parseltongue and likely tells no one (I’ll get into this in a few paragraphs). Tom may insist that he could be a halfblood, he knows nothing of his father, but given his origins he himself probably believes he’s muggleborn until he stumbles across the hereditary nature of parseltongue.

Regardless, Tom is impoverished, comes from lower class muggle London, has the last name Riddle, no relatives to vouch for him, and you want me to think that the purebloods sign up to be his cult members?

Even though Tom is terrifyingly talented and brilliant, he will be fighting for respect every inch of the way. At best, I see the Slytherin’s tolerating his presence. Riddle’s tolerable, for a muggleborn, it’s a shame that he has such dirty blood but they’ll admit he’s a talented sort.

However, as soon as he’s out of Hogwarts they’ll drop him like it’s hot.

This is evidenced by a few things. Upon graduation, Tom Riddle struggles to secure employment. He tries for the Defense position but is unvested and a recent graduate, and so is rejected (and when he later tries again Dumbledore laughs in his place and says, “Bitch please, I will never hire you, I just accepted your application so I could spend this interview laughing in your face!”) He does not enter the ministry, which would likely have been far more beneficial to getting him a leg up in society.

No, Tom instead secures employment as a clerk and purchaser at Borgin and Burke’s the wizarding world’s shadiest pawn shop equivalent where he spends his time miserably wooing older women so they’ll sell him their fine goods. Dumbledore tries to convince us this was Tom’s plan, that he somehow knew about the locket beforehand, but this is bullshit. How the hell would Tom know that the heirloom undoubtedly locked away under safe and key had been sold to Borgin and Burkes? And even if he did, why would Tom take up this miserable position doing nothing he wanted to do? 

Whatever minions Tom is supposed to have, whatever friends, they dropped him completely, pretended they never knew him, and did nothing to secure Tom’s future.

Now, back to the parseltongue bit since I made a promise. I believe Tom told no one. Had Tom told the Slytherins he was the Heir of Slytherin, this would have spread like wild fire not only across the house but the school. All the staff would remember Tom as Tom Slytherin, Tom would likely have changed his name, and frankly Tom probably would have been able to get into the ministry with a name like that. Tom Riddle’s life would have looked very different.

More, had the Chamber of Secrets episode happened in a world where Tom proves his heritage, he would have immediately been caught. Someone in Slytherin, even if only a few dormmates knew, would have narked on him. Someone would have been jealous, scared, etc. and would have turned him easily over to the authorities. A secret like that simply cannot be kept, it would spread, and there would be no needing to frame Hagrid and none of Tom getting off. 

More, I always got the feeling very few knew that Voldemort had once been Tom Riddle. First, it would make recruiting very difficult. Voldemort is the mysterious, beautiful, heir of Slytherin who has come back from abroad to save their country. Tom Riddle is a dirt poor mudblood who comes from decades of incest and squalor.

Given the wizarding world at large does not know who Tom Riddle is (proved by The Chamber of Secrets) I would suspect the vast majority of Death Eaters and Order members didn’t either. Dumbledore was the one who pieced it together thanks, in part, to a ten-year-old Tom Riddle confessing his parseltongue abilities.

If Tom Riddle had told most people he was a parseltongue, far more would have made the connection, it would be common knowledge. Which means, of course, Tom Riddle has no ability to prove his heritage and is thus muggleborn swine.

More, I think Tom wouldn’t want Tom Riddle to be associated with Voldemort. When he becomes Voldemort, he will transcend his lackluster origins and become far more than an ordinary, mortal, man. He will leave the name Riddle behind and no one will remember that boy. He will eclipse his past.

Not to mention, that if Tom gave them the excuse of his heritage, it means giving himself the easy way out in Hogwarts. They won’t be forced to acknowledge him, acknowledge that he’s better than them despite his roots, but instead given the easy excuse of “oh, it’s because he’s the heir of Slytherin, duh”. And I think Tom would loathe the idea of that.

Tom wanting to eradicate the memory of Tom Riddle is especially why I think Voldemort came out of nowhere in the 70′s.

Tom doesn’t want to be recognized as Tom, he wants to be mysterious and originless, to give the purebloods everything they want to believe in. If it’s people he went to school with, they’ll recognize him, he’ll be just an ordinary mortal to them. If it’s their young, stupid, children well then he has a real chance. 

Voldemort is a figure of myth, something that appears to come out of legend itself, the savior of his country.

He cannot have origin let alone Tom Riddle’s. 

Not to mention the idea that multiple people waited on Tom Riddle for generations, even for decades where we know he went abroad and travelled the world, is utterly ridiculous. Why would they ever do this? What do they even gain from this? And why would it take so long to take over this ridiculously incompetent country THAT ALL OF TOM’S RECRUITS ARE PRACTICALLY SET TO CONTROL (the beauty of the Death Eaters is that they form a good chunk of the Wizengamot, and in using them, Tom Riddle effectively destroys the country from the inside out, which I believe was his true goal the entire time). 

If Tom Riddle is so terrible, so horrifyingly competent, then it can’t have taken him fifty years of constant work to topple the country. 

So, yeah, there were no Death Eaters 1.0.

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

You Don't Need To Be Fixed - Will Poulter

Uh, I'm not even gonna explain because it's self-explanatory.

Possible Trigger Warning: Toxic Parental Figure/Emotional Abuse

~~~~~~~~~~

"I hate you."

"I wish you never even existed."

"You need to change, or else you're going to Hell."

"I pray every day that you see the light."

"The Lord can save you."

All of those I've heard before, all of them coming from a person that's supposed to love me unconditionally. I guess being one of the "homosexuals" is the breaking point for that, or having "deviant behavior" as she would call it.

Now, she's never said those things about me, because I'm closeted to her still, but I still feel those comments slice through me like she's directing it at me. It's kinda hilarious actually. She unintentionally tells me that I shouldn't exist.

I tell her point blank that I'd have a less rough time accepting her belief if she just comes out and say she hates the LGBT community. But, she says she doesn't hate anyone cause it's a sin.

"Bullshit." I say to her, out loud.

"Now, I do not like that language." She says sternly.

Ha! Of course that's what she focuses on, my fucking language. She's so fake, even more fake than a tween girl in middle school. She claims she's not homophobic because she's not afraid of gay people, to that I laugh, hard. She says she had bought lunch for two lesbians that she works with, says that she had a very nice time, so she couldn't possibly be homophobic! No, she acts like a decent human being with the gays, so that means she doesn't wish their sexualities would change!

It makes me want to vomit.

I call her out on that ridiculous way of thinking, to which she replies, "Just can it, will ya?" And that's the end of that conversation.

Another day, another argument about this, that, and the other. It's so tedious, and I willingly go into these arguments knowing that I'll never change her mind about anything. She thinks she's right about everything, and she always tells me, "I am right." Without second thought, she completely dismisses what I try to say.

It's always like this, me thinking I'm right and her thinking she's right. It's like trying to talk with Trump supporter...oh wait, she is a Trump supporter. Oops.

Usually, I'd go up to my room and cry it out, listen to very loud and aggressive music, scream into my pillow so I don't injure myself by punching a wall again. But, thankfully, I have someone who can help me through these times of crisis.

Will.

Ever since I met him, Will has been my rock, like my own emotional support human. Of course, it's not a one-way street, he trusts me enough to lean on me too. He's the greatest friend I've ever had, and I have no idea where I'd be without him in my life.

I just walk out of my house with my car keys in hand, starting the car and driving down the same route I've driven so many time I can basically do it in my sleep.

I make sure to text him beforehand, letting him know to prepare himself for a lot of frustrated ranting, but he was used to it by now.

"And it's like I can never talk to her about anything anymore because it always somehow ends up in a heated argument about politics, racial issues, or of course, the LGBT community. Like, I have no idea how much I can take before I explode and do something...not violent."

Will had his eyebrows raised, his shoulders tensed and looking like he was trying to be absorbed by his couch.

I had been ranting for about half an hour, pacing back and forth in his living room, scaring his poor pups with how my voice raised several octaves while speaking about the particularly upsetting parts, and my arms were pretty sore by how much I was waving them around. Jesus, no wonder Will looked scared.

I sighed. "Sorry, just had to get that off my chest before I imploded."

Will smiled. "It's okay, Y/n. Really. I was just afraid that story was going to end with you burying her in your backyard."

"No, at least, not yet." I chuckled, taking a seat next to Will, leaning on his shoulder.

"I'm really sorry you have to deal with that, I can't imagine how tired I'd feel living with someone like that." Will grabbed a hold of my hand gently, leaning his head on mine.

I wore a tight lipped smile, exhaling sharply through my nose. "It's not the greatest, but it could be worse."

"Doesn't make your situation any less valid."

"Yeah, yeah, I know...just like how she prays for me to see the light, I do the same for her. She doesn't appreciate it though. But, I guess that's fair considering I don't appreciate her thought and prayers."

Will turned to look at me, smiling softly. "You are perfect just the way you are. She's the one who has to change, not you, because you were made this way, just like everybody else who has their own orientations. One day, you'll be free of her. You'll be free to live however you want to live, and you'll be able to cut her out of your life if you choose to do so. You just have to be patient, but I promise, you'll be happy."

~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this so I can be fine, so don't worry. I am fine. I promise.

[meetmeatthecoda]

Now that I’ve had some time to cry & mourn & actually think about that horrendous excuse for television... I have... some thoughts.

Firstly, the pace of that episode was insane. I mean, the season itself felt like we were slowly & tortuously hacking our way through a tangled rain forest, trying desperately to see the forest for the trees, but instead stuck cutting vines & branches down one by one... until we got to that finale, which felt comparatively like finally cutting away all the dense foliage only to immediately fall off a fucking cliff. You could just tell they were using the least amount of dialogue they could to move through so many weird emotions at fucking breakneck speed. I mean there was... the brief aftermath in Latvia, the 4 second plane ride to re-introduce Red’s illness after how many eps, Liz’s 3 second long recuperation, the awkward attempt at humor with the helium followed by a crash landing into solemnity at Red’s talk with Cooper, the abrupt & unsatisfying discussion with Red & Liz where he makes his rEqUESt, all the different “heartfelt” one-on-ones with Liz’s people, the fucking forced af “romance” with K**nler, the shoe-horned “chance meeting” with Beth Ryker, the most Agnes has ever talked in the history of ever, the weirdly morbid & fucking heartbreaking walk in the park, the choppy restaurant scene, to the unmentionable... end event. It went all over the place, which is very unlike TBL imo, which usually seems to stick to a theme or emotional center for an entire episode, whether blacklister or mythology driven. I think it was painfully clear how poor their planning was (when they have literally no excuse bc they knew this was coming the whole season???) & just how much shit they were trying to squeeze into one episode.

Secondly - & this may seem obvious, but I think it’s worth talking about anyway - Liz should have gotten her answers. And I’m not just saying this as a Lizzington shipper (I mean, mostly I am, but there are other reasons also!) Primarily, I think bc... literally everyone expected them. Not just bc they were advertised (it’s certainly not the first time they’ve delighted in false advertising in promos when it comes to the all-important AnSwErS) but bc THEY MADE SURE EVERYONE KNEW BEFOREHAND THAT IT WAS MEGAN’S LAST EP. It might have been mildly acceptable to play coy for yet another season finale IF she was coming back in some capacity later to eventually wrap things up, but - given that they fucking slammed the door on that possibility - THEY SHOULD HAVE GIVEN US ANSWERS. I don’t think anyone considered the possibility that they would KILL her & NOT give us answers bc it makes no fucking sense. Additionally, Liz should have gotten her answers simply bc SHE!! DESERVED!! THEM!! They’re literally the thing she’s been fighting for for eight seasons & she fucking died without them? WTF??? But, most importantly to us Lizzington shippers, Liz not getting her answers ruined the park fantasy. I think we all imagined (BC IT WAS MEGAN’S LAST EP) that Red & Liz would finally talk & Red would give her the answers she wanted. I think we all expected from the (misleading) promo that he would make some sense out of the potentially jumbled memories/visions (?) from 8.21 &, most importantly, there would be SOME KIND OF EMOTIONAL TURNING POINT, SOME CATHARSIS, AN UNDERSTANDING & RENEWED LOVE BETWEEN THEM DRIVEN BY THE AFOREMENTIONED REVELATIONS (& LOVE OF WHATEVER KIND, MIND YOU, WE WEREN’T PICKY, JUST SOMETHING FOUNDED ON RECONCILIATION & PEACE.) But - bc they denied us that - Liz was still in the dark & waiting on answers for the entire ep, unable to forgive or reconnect with her true feelings for Red (whatever you believe them to be) & this made her reaction to Red’s rEqUeSt ring very hollow & detached, the whole park bench conversation stilted & awkward (on Liz’s end) & - THE WORST PART - it made the whole park fantasy feel FALSE. It cheapened it. Like she was just indulging him, letting him walk with her & play with Agnes & enjoy one more day of life before she indifferently killed him. The one thing we expected to get, should have gotten, & THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE NO MATTER WHAT ELSE HAPPENED IN THE FINALE was ruined. With the assisted suicide talk beforehand, the almost begrudging acceptance from Liz, the obvious morbid mindset from Red, the song in the background, the context of it all. It put an awful spin we completely didn’t expect on what should have been our beautiful Lizzington park fantasy. And I think that may be the part that hurts the most - the fact that I can only look at gifs of that scene - bc the music & dialogue & context completely undermine what Liz’s fantasy should have been, that she got for just one afternoon, when she was supposed to be happy & at peace with Red & Agnes.

Thirdly, (anyone still there? lolz) the whole “plot” of this episode was fucking nonsensical. Chiefly - & many other people have pointed this out before now - Red would never ask Liz to kill him. I simply call bullshit. No matter how hard they tried to justify it (& boyyyyy, did they try) Red has never wanted Liz to be a killer, criminal, or have to live a life like him. He has canonically said as much. I could maybe buy the whole “taking over his empire” thing as the seasons progressed, but asking Liz to live with the guilt (however slight or delayed) of killing him, after everything they’ve been through together, after she told him she loves him (seasons ago, but the feelings are still there, albeit buried deep)? And thereby launching her (& by extension Agnes) directly into harm’s way as the “new” Concierge of Crime (?), without him there to guide her from the shadows? No way. Bullshit. Also - & @iwouldlovetoeatyourtoast mentioned this first, I believe - the whole idea of it was stupid anyway bc Liz has spent the entire season chasing him, has repeatedly gotten opportunities to take the big shot, & has always been unable to kill him. It wasn’t even an engaging tWiSt to throw in at the very end bc - even when she agreed to do it - we all knew it wouldn’t happen, also bc Megan was the one leaving & not James. So, it wasn’t a surprise when she broke down at the end & said she couldn’t, so wtf was the point?

Fourthly (almost to the end, god this feels good) & this was a huge tell imo - everyone was OOC. Now you might say that’s the bitterness talking & you might be right... but you fucking try & tell me that 1) Red all of a sudden decides he’s ready for death after how long of not accepting it or mentioning it & absolutely must be killed by Liz & no one else within the next 24-48 hours 2) Liz would willingly go along with that for even a second 3) Dembe wouldn’t try his damnedest to talk Red out of assisted suicide in general & especially coercing Liz into doing it 4) Ressler would be the one to fucking figure it out & hightail it out of bed AFTER BEING ON DEATH’S DOOR WITH A BUSTED LUNG & SEPSIS FFS 5) Wolf Man Van Dyke would even know where to find Liz on a random fucking street corner outside a random fucking restaurant 6) Red wouldn’t see him behind Liz taking aim 7) THERE WOULDN’T BE A DECLARATION OF FEELINGS/LOVE CONFESSION BETWEEN RED & LIZ IN THE 14 MILLION OBVIOUS PLACES THERE COULD HAVE BEEN *PRIMARILY AFTER SHE SAYS “I CAN’T DO IT, I DON’T WANT TO” I MEAN, HELLO????? WTF, WHY WASN’T THERE AN “BC I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU TOO, LIZZIE” LIKE HOW HARD WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN, IT WAS THE PERFECT PLACE, THE LAST CHANCE, & WE FUCKING DESERVED ITTTTTTTTTTT *ahem* & lastly, & most importantly, & I’m definitely going to cry typing this... 8) if you fucking try to tell me that Red would allow himself to be pulled away from Lizzie’s dead body for a second time by Dembe or anyone else (especially when it was only the stupid task force arriving???) without simply crossing the street to load his gun with trembling fingers, pull the trigger, & join her... you’re fucking crazy.

In conclusion, bc this has gone on long enough, this was just... a hasty, sloppy, rushed, unprepared, careless ending on all fronts, no matter how hard they tried to convince us it was totally-100%-on-purpose-of-course-why-do-you-ask? (And I’m not even touching on the Redarina bait bc fuck that shit.) Like, did anyone else feel like when Red was telling Dembe that he was sure & this was what he wanted & really he’s positive so please stop asking, and when he was explaining things to Liz in almost too much detail, and when he was telling Harold this was absolutely necessary... that it was really the writers trying to convince us? It just felt so sudden & forced & heavy-handed & absurdly preventable & at the same time ridiculously unstoppable... I mean, look, whatever drama clearly went on behind the scenes? I think we can all agree that they did a terrible, awful, shit-tastic job on all fronts. And it’s just such a shame that that’s how it ended 💔

[bones-sprouts]

SELF INDULGENT APOLLO JUSTICE ACE ATTORNEY AU BECAUSE IT BRINGS ME JOY ( SPOILER WARNING ⚠️‼️)

@burnoutandbookworms-ohmy you wanted to be tagged :>

okay so the cast would be as follows

apollo - tommy

phoenix - wilbur

trucy - tubbo

klavier - ranboo (this one's ambitious but hear me out-)

kristoph - dream

ema - techno

lamiroir - kristin

zak - phil (F in chat for mr minecraft 😔)

and then all of the filler characters would be various other smp members (suggestions?)

so then the plot would go as follows (we're bullet pointing this bitch you better run)

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

• so tommy arrives in the courtroom with dream, and he's nervous as hell, because not only is it his first trial

• his client is wilbur fucking soot

• world renouned defense attorney, now disbarred for forging evidence

• but tommy is 110% sure wilbur is innocent

• because wilbur is his HERO

• and then dream introduces them and damn he looks like shit

• i'm talking full pogtopia era get-up, plus a ratty beanie that has wilby painted on it and a crown pin

• so wil spouts the standard cryptic bullshit you'd expect from phoenix

• and tommy does an early smpe earth 'i am so cool and not at all starstruck' type act

• and they head in

• you meet the judge, who i didn't replace bc it's the judge

• tommy does his chords of steel, but with significantly more swearing then apollo would use

• and dream seems to be just a bit off

• and he goes on this big tirade about blue cards

• the case goes smoothly, until

• tommy feels something akin to a burning from the compass he's kept as a necklace for as long as he can remember

• and he just knows that the witness is lying

• it's like he can see the tiniest of tells that tip him off

• dream doesn't quite understand it, but wilbur looks like he knows exactly what's going on

• before he calls this out, though, a recess is called

• wilbur and dream have a chat, so tommy's left to his own devices

• and this boy about his age in a green magician's outfit runs up to him

• and he looks like an older version of the picture of wilbur's kid that he showed off in court beforehand

• and he hands tommy a (bloody??) playing card and poofs away

• then the trial resumes as normal, with tommy grilling the witness and eventually accusing her

• but it just doesn't seem right

• he knows she's not lying about being innocent, her tells would have tipped him off if she was

• but dream pushes and pushes him to formally accuse her

• until wilbur fucking soot interjects with an OBJECTION!

• while tommy geeks the hell out, wilbur asserts that there must have been someone else in the room

• and accuses dream.

• tommy's confused, and the both of them argue back and forth for a bit, until wilbur starts explaining his theory with evidence from tommy along the way

• but it's seeming like they don't have any non circumstancial evidence

• until wilbur has tommy pull out the playing card

• (i haven't been explaining the case but it makes sense i promise)

• they win the case, with dream never faltering or showing emotion, even after being taken away

• tommy's shaken up, but happy, all things considered

• but before he can ponder on what's just happened, wilbur takes him aside to talk

• and admits the card was forged

• tommy's shocked, and he's sad, and he's angry, because how could wilbur fucking soot forge evidence??

• and he punches him in the face

• wil smiles and gives him an offer to work at his office, since tommy's boss is kind of in jail

• tommy leaves

• but he comes back a few months later, only out of desperation

• he's greeted by the boy from the trial (wil's kid?)

• who demands to know his name and his 'talent'

• tommy says he's a lawyer and introduces himself

• the kid says his name is tubbo and that the building hasn't been a law office in a long time

• tommy asks to see wilbur

• so they go to see him

• in the fucking hospital

• he managed to get hit by a car, which sent him flying 40ft back into a telephone pole

• and he sprained his ankle

• he's very lucky apparently

• so from there, cases 2 and 3 play out (i'm gonna skim though these bc if i write them out ill end up rewriting plot points and i don't have the energy)

• along the way, they meet a few interesting people

• ranboo, a prosecutor who's dream's younger brother and the guitarist for a popular band, that tubbo immediately gets along with and tommy despises

• dispite seeming cocky, he's impressively awkward outside of court

• technoblade, a detective who's fairly standoffish towards tommy and tubbo alike, but has a soft spot for wilbur (do they have a history)

• kristin, a singer with a past she can't remember (unbeknownst to tommy, his compass tends to point towards her and tubbo. odd)

also before we move on to the final case, a quick summary of the dynamics and other small shit bc seritonin

• though wil adopted tubbo, they have much more of a sibling dynamic, and cause general mayhem

• wilbur does actually warm up to tommy fairly quickly (beanix and apollo dynamic, my abbhorrent) and while tommy still doesn't 100% trust wil, they do end up getting pretty close as time goes on

• tubbo and ranboo IMMEDIATELY hit it off, much to the dismay of tommy, and the two of them act like the dummy named micheal that tubbo uses for magic tricks is their son

• tommy acts like he hates ranboo's guts, but that won't stop him from trying to sweet talk his way into getting evidence from him (it always works, ranboo has no spine.) he also, like in canon, vents to ranboo whenever he needs to, and ranboo ends up knowing more ab him then even wil and tubbo

• jack is eldoon. they all go to his noodle shop constantly and tommy always complains about them being too salty. jack hates him with a passion but adores tubbo and wil

• instead of snakooos, techno deadass just has entire bags full of raw potatoes that he eats like chips, this is terrifying to everyone except wilbur, who acts like it's completely normal

• instead of pretending to be taken hostage in case 2, tubbo deadass pretends to have a nuke and threatens to set it off unless a recess is called. after things calm down they go back in and he just,, doesn't get arrested. the law is fucked

• after case 1, dream wears a smiley mask in order to not show his face, paranoid that tommy or someone else like him will know his secrets though his tells

okay now final case here we go

• wilbur tells tommy and tubbo that he's been working on a special trial with the jury system, and that he needs them to defend

• they agree, and go to meet the client

• things generally go like any other investigation, but there's just something about it that feels game changing

• and as they power though the first part of the trial, they start to uncover that there might be someone pulling the strings from behind the scenes

• tommy clocks her tell (chewing her nails) and they start to make progress

• but before they can uncover answers from her, she passes out

• a recess is called, and so are paramedics

• it turns out she's ingested the same kind of poison as the victim, coming from her nail polish

• tommy and tubbo are shaken up, and they go to wil for help

• he decides they need to know the full truth, but he knows that some of the evidence is lost at this point

(and holy shit stay with me here i promise that as out of left field this is the original game made significantly less sense)

• he phones a friend that he knows is the only one that can help them

• karl

• he explains the situation, and karl agrees to help them

• and they fucking time travel

(again, the game makes even less sense i promise)

• they chat with the victim and defendant from seven years beforehand, right after wil was disbarred

• they watch the trial wil got disbarred over, where he defended tubbo's bio father, phil

• and they see a much smaller tubbo hand wil the forged evidence, saying that a kind man told him to give it to the man with the bright blue hamilton suit

• and they watch wil present it, only to be shot down by a much younger ranboo, who proves it's fake

• and they find out tubbo and tommy are bio siblings, which they're shocked about but decide to talk about later (fuck canon tommy and tubbo get to know)

• and they go visit dream in prison

• at this point wil is CONVINCED dream is behind everything, they just need the right evidence

• so they head to the cell, only for it to be empty

• naturally, they start snooping

• wil finds a letter, and opens it to reveal exactly what they need to win the case

• but before they can leave, dream, equipped with a smiley mask, stops them

• they exchange a few words before they leave, letterless

• luckily, wil has a trick up his sleeve, and reveals that his crown pin has a built in camera

• they examine the contents of the letter, and wil hastily makes a replica, and they head off to the trial

• since they're experimenting with the jurist system for the first time, they can't afford to wait for the defendant to heal, so they proceed

• they call dream to the stand

• they grill him for quite a while, with the help of ranboo who refuses to protect his brother, getting him to show his true colors, and then pull out the letter

• and he says that it's a fake, which the judge unfortunately agrees with

• so they don't have their evidence

• and even though they've shown pretty much everything and dream had practically admitted to bring a murderous bastard and the one who gave tubbo the fake to give to wil

• they don't have enough to convince a judge

• tommy and tubbo are crushed

• but wil is happy

• because they don't have to convince a judge

• they have to convince a jury

• and they win

• dream shatters along with his mask, going completely off the deep end

• their client is safe, and so is wil

• kristin also reveals to wil that she's tommy and tubbo's bio mom, saying that she'll tell them when she's really

• so things come to a close

• for now, anyway

so yeah, thats AJ but dsmp, to anyone who didn't play the game, i'm so sorry this makes no sense, and to anyone who did, you're cool as hell can we be moots 👉👈

[loudsuitlover]

A friends to lovers little thing

If today Y/N were to talk about her friendship with Harry, she’d probably not even mention Mitch, even if she did know him through him. But that has been years ago and even though Mitch was as close to Harry as he was to her, Harry and herself had develop their own friendship, where Mitch was always welcome but not always needed and she didn’t feel Mitch’s absence like a tragedy when she hang out alone with Harry. Which happened quite a lot. 

Like right now, when they are both sitting on Harry’s backyard in LA, and her feet are up on his lap as she takes the sun in behind her sunglasses and he absent-mindlesly draws figures on her jeans-covered calves while he scrolls through his emails. 

“H” she knows he’s listening even if he’s not looking at her “do you think things are going to go back to fully normal after this whole coronavirus pandemic is over?” 

Then he looks up at her. 

“How do you mean?” 

“I mean” she shrugs “you know, I can see that people are a lot more wary now... Me myself I’m a lot more wary... I mean Europeans are starting to act a lot like countries which do not have a public health care system like... We’re afraid of getting sick, you know? And that means we pull away from the sick and that’s just wrong, isn’t it? I don’t know.” She shrugs. 

“I mean it’s hard but... wrong? I don’t think it’s wrong. I think it’s what we need to do.” 

“I know, yeah, but it’s like people are afraid of getting sick not only for being sick themselves but for what being sick means, you know? Like at work there was this girl who tested positive, she was asymptomatic, and everyone was like talking shit about her, you know? Like calling her irresponsable and I was horrified by that. I mean she was sick, when did we start blaming the sick for their sickness?” 

“Yeah, I see what you mean. But people are afraid, you shouldn’t take it to heart, love.” He smirks. 

She smiles and snorts a chuckle at the way he is always so chilled in LA. 

“I hope you know, if you get sick, I’ll get sick too.” 

He rolls his eyes but chuckles. 

“That’s just plain silly, Y/N. I wouldn’t let you.” 

“You would kick me out of your house?” Her mouth opens in the shape of an o and he raises his eyebrows while he nods. “That’s so rude!”

“I’d do it out of love!” He explains. “These days the way to say I love you is staying the fuck away.”

“And wearing a mask.” 

“And wearing a mask.” He agrees. 

“I think masks did a lot of good to ugly people.” 

And like that she changes the topic and makes Harry laugh and they both talk about how useful masks can be. When he doesn’t feel like shaving he doesn’t have to, when she has a zit on her chin for her period there’s no worry and he laughs along because he thinks it’s ridiculous that she’s ever worried about the way she looks. 

He met her four years ago in his own house. Mitch was over and they were going to order pizza for dinner but he said he had plans with a good friend and Harry said he could invite them if he wanted to so he did and there you were. 

You arrived twenty minutes after the invitation and the first thing you said he remembers was this apartment is fucking massive and then your eyes had met his and yours had gone wide and embarrassed while he had just laughed at your honesty. 

You had known who he was beforehand and you hadn’t pretended you didn’t but you had admitted you were not really a fan of One Direction just because you were not really a fan of anything- you didn’t believe in the fandom thing- or so you thought before he proved to you that you were a fan of a lot of things on just that first night. You would talk and then he would say so then one could say you’re a fan of chocolate and you would laugh and find him funny. 

And then when the pizza was over and Mitch was mindlessly playing some chords on his guitar, you were both sitting on the same couch and your bodies were turned to the side so you were facing one another and it had been like such a magnetic connection in just about three hours he had fancied you and you were sipping from your beer bottle and the way you brought it to your mouth and rested your lips against the glass circle had him mesmerised and he thought you were really such a pretty girl and that you were funny and confident and you looked kind to him, even though he didn’t really know you, but he found himself wanting to know more and he wondered whether you would yes to dinner with him. He scratched the back of his neck then as if that was going to settle down the blush creeping up when Mitch talked. 

“Hey, Y/N, we never got to talk about just how mad you were with “men as a gender” last week.” He reminded. “D’you still wanna talk about it?” 

She sighed and had a sip of her beer. 

“Well that depends on how you two are going to take it. If you’re going to be the kind of guy who feels attacked and tries to sell me that bullshit not all mean are the same then I’d rather not. I don’t feel like arguing tonight.” 

And Harry liked that too. That you were fiery and had a mind of your own and had no fear to talk about it. Not because you were a woman, because he thought some men were lacking that too, but because you clearly had some ideas and he had always liked that about people.

“So we’re just supposed to agree with you on everything?” Mitch smirked. 

“Not at all. You don’t have to agree. You just have to shut the fuck up if you don’t.” 

They both threw their head backs and laugh and Y/N herself chuckled too. She didn’t mean that and Mitch knew that, he could always speak up his mind and disagree with her and she would take it but she had had enough and she was tired of men as a gender, of genders entirely, and Mitch had always been the ear who would listen to every little complaint she had so she another sip of beer and then she started talking. 

“You know how you told me everything with Brandon was going to end up badly.” She pointed at him and he nodded. “Well, you were right.” 

Then she tilted her neck so her eyes met Harry’s and she explained. 

“Brandon is a mutual friend of Mitch and mine.” 

“More hers than mine.” Mitch clarified but she just rolled her eyes so Harry smirked.

“They have this weird competition going on, I think it’s the testosterone again.” 

“Not at all. I am like the least toxic masculine guy in England and you know that. It’s him who seems to have a problem with me.” He shrugged. “We know each other from high school and, don’t take me wrong, I love the guy because he’s like family at this point, but it’s true that he always seems to measure himself with me, you know? And then Y/N had the great idea to sleep with him and that only made it worse because, you know, Y/N’s my best friend and I’m her best friend so in his mind, I was a thread.” He chuckled. “Me, being a thread, as if I would ever date her.” He joked. 

Y/N threw a pillow at him that he dogded thanks to years of practice and then she got back to her explanation to Harry. 

“The thing is, I did meet Brandon through Mitch and I liked him” she looked at Mitch “that’s the truth and we were friends for a long time because he had a weird thing with a girl, I didn’t want to be a part of it and all that but then last summer something changed, you know? Like I actually thought he might be interested in me so I flirted with him, despite Mitch’s relentless advice not to-”

“But she’s never been known for listening to me.” He intervened, making her roll her eyes again. 

“And so we became... You know... Special friends.” 

“Friends with benefits, she means.” Mitch explained making Harry smirk. 

“I think he figured that out.” She scolded him. “Well, two weeks ago, we went out and we were drunk, at least I know I was drunk off my ass, and he like literally stopped me at the washroom door and told me that he didn’t want to keep shagging with me because he liked a girl.” 

“Shit.” Harry said. 

“No, that’s not all.” Her eyes widened. “He said he wanted to let me know because I needed to change my behaviour because he knew I still wanted to sleep with him.” 

Harry’s eyes widen and settled on Mitch’s and Mitch just nodded as if saying yeah, I know he’s a dick but he’s our dick, I guess. 

“And the thing is what bothered me is realizing what he thinks of me, you know? He doesn’t see me as a friend and I wonder if he ever has or if he did and then it changed the minute he saw me naked- like what the fuck? So that’s where my problem with men as a gender began because then a few days later, I’m talking about this to another friend from work and you know what his reaction was?” She gave them a few seconds to answer but they both remained silent. “He asked me out! Like- what? I thought we were friends! But we’re not! He was just waiting to ask me out. So then I was like do I really have any male friends who do not want to see me naked? Other than Mitch?” 

“Ryan.” Mitch offered then.

“Ryan is gay.” 

“Still a male.” 

She clicked her tongue but smiled. That had Harry thinking, he even felt bad for thinking of her like he had done before she told them all of that. He was considering asking her out himself then but after all that, he figured that’s not what she would want so he didn’t and for days after that he still thought about it. 

It happened to him sometimes too and he knew some people would never get it, those who would say wait, so you’re complaining about being pretty? And then he remembered that Mika song are you wishing to be ugly like me? But no, it was not about being pretty or being ugly, it was about being objectified and he knew that was how Y/N had felt because he had felt that way sometimes too, so he didn’t ask her out. Instead he buried his feelings and he pretended he didn’t like her but damn right he did... 

He liked the way she would bring up weird deep conversations any minute, he liked that thin black line she would get on her lips whenever she drank red wine because her lips were always so dry but she was too forgetful to have care with something as simple as lipbalm, he liked the clothes she wore and her scent and pretty much everything that had to do with her. And he’s liked that for four years but he’s always been afraid of saying something about it because he didn’t want to add to her feeling of being objectified. 

But then four years later she was coming home from a date with Nate, a friend of a friend, and the guy had been nice and sweet but he hadn’t been as funny as Harry or smelled as good as Harry or moved as lanky and clumsy as Harry and he definitely didn’t have Harry’s sex appeal and she just didn’t like him like he liked Harry. 

She rests her head on the door and sighs like a teenager because it’s been four fucking years of him being nothing but the sweetest, kindest friend; but she still can’t take him out of her mind. And this is the same old story, the girl falling in love with someone so clearly out of her league because Harry would never be interested in her like that- that’s just plain silly- but he loved her and he was so good at loving... 

Sarah: How was the date? x

Y/N: Like every other... 

Sarah: Pal, you’re the Grinch... 

Y/N laughed at that. So what if she was? She rather liked the Grinch. She looked at the clock on her kitchen, it was too late to call Harry so she went to bed because the sooner she fell asleep, the sooner she would stop thinking about him. Even if it was just to dream with him... 

He called her tonight too. He has lost the count of who called who or rather he had never counted. He figures those things some people did in relationships had more to do with pride than with actual healthy patterns and he called Y/N because he wanted to spend time with her, quite simply, and now they are both sprawled out like cats on the couches on his living room after watching Now You See Me and he is still sipping from his glass of wine when she asks him. 

“Harry” 

“Yeah.” 

“Do you think I’m pretty?” 

He swallows the sip of wine he’s taken as his eyes set on her. She’s changed her position on the couch so she’s facing him but she’s still somewhat lying down so her eyelashes almost hit her cheeks because she has to look at him from an angle. He takes a deep breath, he studies her, he doesn’t know what she wants him to say. 

“‘F course.” So he goes with the truth. “I think you’re beautiful.” 

“Really?” 

He frowns then. Is she being insecure now? She’s going to drive him crazy. He rests his now empty glass on the table and leans on his elbows on his knees before he breathes in. 

“What’s this about?” 

She purses her lips and looks away from him shaking her head. The wine had given her some courage, the wine and all the thinking she did the night before- maybe she should say something because if it has been four years it’s because even though the rational part of her knew it was impossible for him to feel the same, there was a little of irrational hope that he did; but if he said it- if he said no, Y/N, I just love you as a friend then she would have no reason not to move on and she would probably ask him for some time and space until she could mend her heart and then they could be friends without their friendship interfering on her love life. 

“Can you please not do that?” He begs. 

“What?” She tilts her neck and looks at him. 

“Avoiding confrontation.” 

She frowns. 

“I’m not avoiding confrontation! Confrontation of what? We’re not arguing.” 

“No, we’re not. But you asked me whether I thought you were pretty and I answered and asked you why you’re asking me that and now you’re not answering me.” 

“It’s silly, H...” She shakes her head. 

“Well, I want to know.” He presses. 

She sighs. She’s going to say it. 

“It’s just... We’re such good friends. I thought you would be honest with me about that.” 

Except she doesn’t. 

He nods. 

“Why would you need me to tell you you’re beautiful? Do you not have mirrors?” 

She smiles. 

“I just wanted to know if you thought I was pretty.” She smiles. “That’s all.” 

She leans over to the table to rest her empty glass of wine as well and Harry lets his eyes set on every inch of her body. The way that soft green cardigan has almost fallen from her shoulder, her strapped crop top and the way her cheeks has turned pink. And she hasn’t said anything, but that’s the first time he thinks she might fancy him too so he sighs. He has no problem in taking this slow. After four years, what difference does a day make? 

“Well, I do.” He smirks. “I think you’re gorgeous.” 

And that’s how their thoughts about what the other might feel started to change but their relationship didn’t yet change much. If anything, they didn’t look away anymore when the other catch them staring and the sheepish smirks came more often but they didn’t say anything still and it was nice and comfortable and nothing needed to be said. 

And then this morning Harry just appeared on Y/N’s apartment very early when she was still on her PJs and he dragged her inside her bedroom when she claimed she had to study because he had found this very nice small village that he wanted to check out and he had heard they served good food on the town too so you got changed as he waited downstairs. 

“Can I at least have breakfast?” 

“Sure.” He smiles. 

She rolls her eyes like she always did and swats his chest to push him away but that time he holds her wrist and pulls from her until she has to press her free hand against his chest to stop herself from colliding against him and he just smiles. 

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, love.” 

“Or what?” She challenges. 

His green eyes fall to her lips for a second and she feels her heartbeat accelerating. Please, God, have him kissing me. But his eyes flicker back to hers and he lets her wrist go with a teasing smirk. When she turns around, she rolls her eyes again. 

After breakfast, she’s sitting on the passenger seat of his convertible and he’s driving one hour and a half away until they get to this very lovely clear sand, clear water beach and they step out of the car as he smiles like a kid. 

“Are we in Santa Barbara?” 

“Almost.” He smiles. 

He doesn’t tell her the name of the town and she doesn’t really need to know, all she cares about is out of all the people in the world, he chose her to spend the day with at this town and she quite likes that. 

As they walk up a cement hill towards the town, Harry’s arm wraps around her shoulders and he pulls her to him, pressing a kiss on her hairline and she feels her heart fluttering but not in a painful way, like it sometimes had in the last four years, but in a good one, in a new one, in a way that doesn’t feel inappropriate. 

They walk around the town like that and she likes the way old ladies look at them, probably think he looks like James Dean, but somehow she feels like they think they make a good couple and that thought had never crossed her mind in four years. 

“I like this town.” She says. 

“You do? Me too. I was thinking about filming the Golden music video here.” 

“Love that song too.” 

She stops so she can look into his eyes and he holds her hazel gaze and he wishes he could tell her she is golden but instead he licks his lips inside his mouth so his smirk doesn’t give him away. 

“Thank you, love.” 

It’s true she loves that song. She loves everything she writes or performs, but that song especially, it just feels like he’s writing her own feelings towards him and she felt so exposed when she listened to it the first time because she was so sure he knew it all then but his jade eyes didn’t leave hers for as long as the song was coming out of their headphones and he was sitting in front of her and she almost cried right there but somehow she managed not to. 

And then they keep walking, and they even stop at some souvenir shops and joke around with ugly hats and sunglasses and then they enter a cheese shop and buy two different cheeses and they talk about it like a married couple would and the old man from the shop really did think they were together because Harry held the door for her twice and because of the way they stared at each other when the other wasn’t looking. 

She hasn’t stopped thinking about the Golden song ever since he had mentioned it and his arm had kept wrapping around her shoulders and his hand resting on her waist when they had to pull to the side because a car was passing on a narrow street or when the carriages of the market had passed them by and he had pulled her to him so they wouldn’t accidentally hit her. 

“Are you hungry?” He asks. 

“I could eat.” 

He smirks. He could eat too... 

“Jeff told me about this place... He was there with Glenne, it’s a good one, right by the beach like you like.” 

She smiles and wants to kiss him as he looks down at his phone with a frown checking for the name of the place. 

“H, why are you not seeing anyone?” She smirks. 

His phone is still on his hand when he looks up at her and her smirk seems to be contagious. He shrugs but his eyes look into hers and it gives him away. 

“What’s with the smile?” He asks. 

This time it’s her who shrugs. 

“I’m just happy you chose to bring me here.” 

“Are you surprised?” 

She shrugs again. 

“I mean... This looks like the perfect plan for a date. You know, the beach, the nice restaurant, the lovely town...” 

“It could be a date” he smirks “if you want.” 

They both stare into each other’s eyes and people keep walking past them and cars keep driving down the road behind them but for all they care the world has stopped for these few seconds. They are both smirking and their hearts are beating fast like teenager’s before they kiss. 

“Are you being serious?” 

“Yeah.” He confesses. “You’re beautiful, you like my music... I don’t see why I wouldn’t take you out.” 

She rolls her eyes again and he realizes he just made it sound like a joke but she’s been playing with his mind for years, she can take some mind game for a while too. Let’s see how she reacts too... She could turn it back into a real proposition, which is what she does. 

“Then, yes, I do want it to be a date.” 

He snorts a chuckle and she grins at him. 

“Then a date it is.” 

And for the first time in four years of friendship, he holds her hand as they walk towards the restaurant by the beach and it feels so right and so comfortable, she even caresses the back of his hand with her thumb. 

But they didn’t kiss that day either because none of them was brave enough so despite all the times they had stood in front of one another and their heart had beaten hard and fast against their throats, they hadn’t dared so that night again she went to bed thinking it was all in her mind. 

And then four days later he was having lunch with Mitch on Café Habana and he was munching on his salad when his friend cleared his throat. 

“So what the fuck are you doing with Y/N?” 

“Pardon?” 

“I know you like her. I’m not an idiot but,dude, she’s like... Bad.” 

“What do you mean she’s bad?” 

“She thinks you don’t!” He shrugged. 

“How would she think I don’t?” He frowned. “I’m so obvious!”

“She’s a jerk.” Mitch shook his head and Harry almost chuckled. “But if you hurt her, I’m going to have to kill you.” 

“I won’t.” 

“Then talk to her, mate. She’s driving herself crazy.” 

“She’s been driving me crazy for four years, mate.” 

“You’ve liked her for four years?” Mitch frowned. “But, wait, when did you guys even meet?” 

“Four years ago.” Harry nodded. 

“Wait, what?” Mitch chuckled because  “So you’ve liked her since you met her.” 

“Yeah...” He blushed then and Mitch started laughing. “What’s so funny?” 

“The day after the pizzas at your house, she asked me if you were single, if you had ever dated someone non model, non famous, if she was anything like your type...”

“Really?” 

Mitch nodded. 

“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” 

“Mate, you know. I don’t do that.” 

“You’re telling me I could have been with her these last four years and I didn’t because you don’t do that?” 

So that night after talking to Jeff about the Golden music video, he picked her favourite sushi and knocked on her door around dinner time. She was on her housewear, like she liked to call it, so an old t-shirt of his and cottom shorts- very short- and his eyes inevitably roam her body before he even said hello. 

“What’s this?” She asks.

“Sushi number 25 from Quimos.” 

“Oh, God, I love you. Come in.” 

He smiles differently that time, despite all the times he had heard she loved him, because that time he thought she might mean it in a different way. 

She takes the bag from him and walks towards the kitchen, him following her suit and only when they’re in the kitchen he sees the mess she’s made with flour and cinammon and oranges all over. 

“What were you doing, love?” 

“Doughnuts.” She giggles. “Do you wanna help or should we let it be until after dinner?” 

“Can you even let it be?”

“I probably shouldn’t.” She giggles. 

He laughs too and places his jacket on one of the kitchen stools before he turns to her and presses a kiss on her cheek, his hand gripping her waist through his own t-shirt. 

“You look beautiful, Y/N.” 

Her hazel, to him golden eyes, look into his own and as stupid as it might sound, it’s like he can hear his own song in his mind, the instrumental part, and he knows she’s scared but he’s going to kiss her now. 

So with a determination he’s been lacking for four years, he leans in and captures his lips with hers and he feels her breath getting caught on her throat as her lips welcome his. It takes a few seconds to react but when she does, it’s like they’ve been kissing one another for years. Their lips adjust to one another like a ring fits a finger and their hands know where to stand even if now they can probably touch places they never have before but for now they don’t. For now his hands linger on her waist for longer than he’s ever dared and hers tangle on his hair and caress the back of his neck and that freckle he has on the line where his neck meets his shoulder and her tongue timidly comes out at last making him moan and press his hips against hers mindlessly. 

“I should have done that last saturday.” He explains when he pulls back. 

She’s still fighting for breath and her smile almost doesn’t let her peck his lips as many times as she wants but he holds her waist and chuckles as she covers his face with kisses. 

[alittlesimp]

kierkegaard and bsd fyodor

!! there may be manga spoilers ahead (i have NOT proofread) !!

small warning beforehand – i am in no way a professional philosopher or even good at writing essays. i took two years of philosophy in high school and kind of ran with it haha. i just thought this would be a fun analysis for me to make because fyodor is portrayed as a religious character – yet he murders, like, a lot. he immediately reminded me of kierkegaard, my favourite religious weirdo (lovingly). i grew up catholic so i do have a bit of knowledge on christianity and all, but i havent been to church in like 5 years so the parts about the bible and all might be a bit rusty, but i will obviously check to get the biggest stories etc right. english also isn’t my first language, so there might be a few mistakes here and there.

i do honestly believe there is more value in analyzing his behaviour with the irl fyodor’s books but 1) i am not as familiar with those as i am with kierkegaard and 2) that has been done before!! here and here. please do check these out, they’re incredibly well done. also, this is just a really vague comparison that i have been thinking about for days now so she’s gonna be a bit messy (no capital letters and not proofread, sorry i wrote this in a adhd-fueled Rage) and Maybe even complete bullshit, who knows! okkkk whooo lets get into this!!

Intro

first off, there’s not going to be a real justification for his actions. i’m just trying to explain his actions, i would never justify genocide (:

so i’ve seen a lot of people state that fyodor sees himself as god, and while i do think there is some truth in that, i don’t think that fyodor thinks he is god humanified, more that he sees himself as god’s righthand man? i’m not going to go very deep into this because i’m honestly not too sure what i think about this exactly, i might delve into this in the future after familiarizing myself a bit more with the irl author!

i also don’t think fyodor is a psychopath who doesn’t understand the severity of his actions. i really do think he completely understands he’s literally murdering people left and right, but that it’s a necessary evil to rid the world of ability users (he also mentions ‘the freedom of death’ shit a couple of times which is not really relevant here but… scary). this might be a bit confusing to most, why do something if you know it’s a shitty thing to do? to fully understand his standpoint, we’ll have to first discuss the philosophy of kierkegaard.

Kierkegaard

søren kierkegaard was a danish philosopher who is often seen as the guy who kickstarted the whole existentialism thing. although i definitely don’t agree with him, he is one of my favorite philosophers because his theories are just so fucking weird but like, still well-constructed.

kierkegaard’s main idea that we touched on in philosophy class was that other people’s judgement does not matter if god has given you a task. no matter how immoral it is by society’s standards, be it murder, extortion, fraud or sundry other crimes, if god himself has ordered you to do it, there is no need to justify this by anyone else’s moral or ethical standards. now, the actual theory’s a little more nuanced than this, but you do see where i’m going with this, right?

a quick example: the story of abraham. abraham was ordered by god to kill his son to prove his faith, which is considered a massive yikes like, everywhere in the world. however, abraham brought his son up to where he was going to sacrifice him and at the last moment, an angel told him that god was satisfied and that he didn’t have to actually do it. god created horrible youtube pranks y’all!

in his book fear and trembling, kierkegaard describes the anguish/anxiety (translations differ, but honestly i think i’d feel EVERYTHING if god told me to kill my hypothetical child) that abraham must have felt and why he ‘thinks’ (kierkegaard wrote this under a penname, and because he’s a bit of a funny guy it’s often unclear what he really believes) abraham isn’t just a triggerhappy guy, but just a devout christian. abraham must have believed that god would never let him do something as abhorrent as killing your son, and trusted that god would have had him do the right thing. kierkegaard states that, in faith, your individual relationship with god is more important than the church and even society’s general ethical and moral ideas.

ofcourse, this perfectly aligns with religious extremism and terrorism – which is exactly why people usually take kierkegaard’s words with a good handful of salt. but in our case, with our favourite smelly rat man, it might help us explain his mindset a bit better.

Fyodor

now, how does this link back to fyodor?

fyodor takes up abraham’s place in this story. he knows that what he’s doing is in no way explainable by moral or ethical reasons, but because he believes that it is god’s wish, he will have to do the dirty work. think about it: abraham would have really murdered his son if god hadn’t stopped him, so maybe fyodor’s killing really would be necessary to please god. in abraham’s case, it was to test his obedience and faith, so it’s not 100% the same as directly being given the task to create a new perfect world without ability users or whatever. but just like abraham thought that god would have him do the right thing, fyodor trusts completely that god is guiding him in his actions and that therefor, he is doing the right thing.

he knows it won’t make sense to others, he knows he can’t justify it by society’s standards, but he feels like he’s justified in doing it anyway because god gave him permission somehow. he most likely also thinks all his crimes are for the greater good, or that the sin of the general ability using population heavily outweighs his own.

in the end, i think him believing he has to do this will link back to his backstory somehow (which i’m INCREDIBLY curious about). i could probably write some more about this but I need to get this out of my system so that’s it. i might redo this in the future but who knows! maybe after i familiarize myself with the irl fyodor a bit more <3.

if you have any comments, spot any mistakes or have a question: don’t be shy, drop an ask so i can give you an in-depth answer (if i’m feeling it, it might take a while, i’m a bit tired n all) don't bully me i will cry <3 (: love u!

[bluecloudious]

Kinda angst I guess (but it has Zanaz so take that with a grain of salt)

Trying out writing a story this time.

I mean, yeah, I wrote for the comics, but not long dialog.

So yea, as per both the funni boys mature content warning. (There's no canoodling, there is talk of it tho.)

Also there's quite a bit of text (8 pages worth on Word)

So ye:

“Get up, I have some juicy gossip for you.”

...What?

I open my eyes and the world around me is blinding. It’s so bright that it takes a second to adjust to it. There’s nothing around me other than vast white and empty space.

This definitely isn’t Nevada anymore. (Unless Hank managed to ruin everything even further somehow.)

“Get up now, I know you heard me.”

I get up and look around. Who the hell is talking? There’s literally nothing but white for miles.

��I’m in your head, pretty boy.”

Uh, that…

“I’m holding my eyes closed, don’t worry. I regret ever having them open in here, in fact.”

Welp, that answers that. Now for the other question.

“Who I am is not important. What info I have, may be of interest, though.”

Alright?

“There’s a deal attached to this knowledge, Zanaz. Hear me out before you start fidgeting.”

I’ll sure try.

“You know Kits, right?”

No duh, he’s my best friend.

“Excellent. He’s going to die soon.”

…

What?! Wha, when, how, uh--

“Calm down, jitterbug. There’s nothing you can do to stop his fate, so don’t try. If he doesn’t die one way, another thing will go wrong. Understand?”

I-- NO! What the fuck?! Are you gonna kill him?!

“No, not me. I’m just sharing the news.”

Yeah, right, sure. Fucking… When then?

“Soon.”

How soon? In a month, week or a few days?

“Hm… A month then, give or take.”

...Fuck… How?

“Depends on what leads up to it.”

So, there are a lot of different ways it can happen, right?

“Indeed there are.”

...Do I die with him?

“No.”

NO?! In none of the different variations, I don’t die by his side?

“Oh, you can be by his side, of course. But death isn’t after you.”

What if I try to block a bullet, but it goes through both of us.

“Oddly specific. You’ll still survive.”

What if I block it with my head?!

“Brain damage, possible vegetable state. Will still survive though.”

What if Hank slices us with one of his multiple katanas?!

“People have lived through being sliced in half before.”

WHAT.

“This world has zombie clowns with god like powers and the AAHW is lead by a man consisting of black fire.”

...Ugh, fair enough. So… Wait those are all possible deaths for him?

“If you do everything in your power for it to happen, then yes.”

I… I can kill him before his time?

“Of course! You have free will, don’t you? It’s more of a question if you want to.”

Of course I fucking don’t! I care about him!

“I saw. You daydream about him an uncomfortable amount.”

He’s the main person I’m around, give me a break!

“Have you ever considered not being horny?”

Until I’m castrated, there’ll be nothing of the sorts.

“You’re not even fertile! None of the clones are!”

You think I’m tryna get anyone pregnant at this sausage fest? Besides, that has not stopped me before.

“I refuse to believe that any of those scenes I saw play out in your head happened for real.”

You’d be surprised then.

“WHICH?!?”

Those are for me to treasure.

“...You’re pulling my leg.”

Believe what you want.

“Augh, never mind, TMI. Back onto the topic at hand.”

Oh, yeah, right. Kit… Dying…

Could you for real not give me a date?

“If it depends on the circumstances beforehand, then there’s no possible way to tell which one belongs to this timeline.”

And that means…?

“I don’t know how this Kits dies.”

Can I at least warn him?

“Well, there’s where the other side of the deal comes in. If you tell him, then the effect kicks in immediately.”

What effect? Death?

“Precisely.”

...Ah. Wait, so if I don’t tell him, he dies in a month but if I do, he dies immediately? Of what?

“Stroke, heart attack or brain aneurysm. Chosen at random. Oh, also sneak assassination. That’s also a valid option.”

...This feels set up.

“Mh?”

This feels like either you or whoever sent you here set this up so I’d suffer. You enjoy the pain of others, don’t you?

“I’m only the messen--”

Yeah, yeah, Messenger Bullshit. Then whoever decided this is probably a reality tv producer, who is jacking off to someone pushing in the soft part of a baby’s skull as we speak. You encourage such behaviour by working with them, ya know.

“...Do you think you sound smart?”

I know for a fact I’m not, so no. I’m pretty sure I’m on the money with this one though.

“If I wasn’t here then Kits’ death would come as a surprise to you though!”

I’d prefer that, actually! Now I have to deal with knowing that he… He… Won’t be here anymore soon.

“Well, knowing how overwhelmingly perverted you are, wouldn’t you wanna grab this opportunity?”

...What?

“Shoot your shot, ask him out. Not like you could do it with a corpse… …Right…?”

I may be horny, but I’m not messed up.

“Had to make sure.”

Ugh, you’re just making fun of me, aren’t you?

“Which instance are you referring to?”

Kit would never date me.

“And why exactly do you think that?”

He has standards?

“You’re a decently handsome fellow. You also get along with him just fine.”

That… That’s not a determinant of shit like that. There’s way better out there for him.

“He won’t meet em then. Only a month to live, remember?”

I… It’s not worth it.

“What isn’t?”

I know he’ll say no, there’s no point in trying.

“How do you know for sure until you actually ask?”

Cause it’s obvious! He’s actually got a brain in his noggin and he knows me way too well! He’d be fucking disgusted, man! We’re just friends and that’s that.

“Do you not want to then?”

...Why do you assume I do? How do you know that those aren’t just blissful fantasies like the rest of them?

“He’s the only one that you dream of in a non-perverted way. I see no other person in this graphic landscape that you want to hold hands with. (Also, I am closing my eyes again now, Jebus Christoff.)”

...Ffffuck.

“Well, did hit the nail on the head?”

Y-You’re stupid and gay!

“I’m rubber, you’re glue.”

That doesn’t affect me, I’m already openly gay and stupid!

“I guess we’re both such then.”

Dammit.

“So, you gonna give him a month to remember or not?”

…Eh?

“Come on, how much romance could a member of the A.A.H.W. really experience throughout their lifetime? If you’d make this month worth his and your own time, perhaps it would be less painful to see him go? At least he died happy?”

THAT WOULD BE EXTRA PAINFUL FOR ME, THOUGH!

“Oop, Zanaz selfish, you heard it here first, folks.”

That’s not what I meant. I’d already be upset over losing my best friend, imagine how fucking devastating losing a sweetheart would be.

“…I dunno, still sounds selfish to me. Does his happiness not mean anything to you?”

Who says he’d be happy with me?

“I know you want to make him happy, at least. You dream about his smile.”

STOP FUCKING LOOKING THOUGH MY THOUGHTS!!

“I’m not looking anymore, I just memorized the ones I already saw. (I wish I couldn’t.)”

I- You- Fucking-- UggHHH! It’s not worth it!

“What exactly do you imagine will happen if you tell him how you feel, huh? World combusts?”

I already told you, he already knows way too much about me! He’d be fucking grossed out and we’ll… We’ll stop being friends.

He’d quicken his pace whenever we’d have to pass each other in one of the halls. He’d desperately keep his glance away from me. He’d… I’d stop being the main person he talks and comes to company for a-and I can’t fucking have that, man!

I-I wouldn’t be able to handle it. He means too much to me.

“…I had no idea you were this insecure.”

FUCK OFF! It’s a bitter reality that I’ve come to accept!

“You haven’t even given it a shot!”

You don’t need to get crushed by a piano to know you’d die on impact!

“Those two things don’t correlate even remotely!”

It’s a metaphor!

“I know that, I’m saying that Kits has a thing for you too!”

…He what?

“He has major league crush on you! The things you say when play-flirting excite him! He’s gotten off to the thought of you touching him up! The works! (Why did I word it like that?)”

Whuh-- How the fuck do you know this??

“While you were monologuing, I visited his subconscious and confirmed it for myself.”

You can do that??

“You don’t even know my name.”

...Fair nuff. So, wait, he’s actually gotten off thinking about me?

“I don’t even need to open my eyes to already know you’re imagining it. Short answer, yes. He’s into you, Zanaz.”

Augh, I dunno what to do with this info. It’s kinda... Overwhelming in a way.

Actually, wait, how do I know you haven’t been lying to me this whole time?

“I’m an incorporeal voice in your head that’s having a back and forth with you in a white void.”

Yeah, and?

“…I’m supernatural?”

Yeah, and?

“Come on! I just know, okay?!”

Sounds fake, not gonna lie.

“The part where I knew that Kits was gonna die was convincing, but the moment I mention that he might have a thing for you, you question the validity of my claims thus far??”

One sounds way more far-fetched than the other, you gotta admit.

“NO IT DOESN’T?!?!”

For you maybe! I’ve known him since I’ve been out the cloning tube! We became agents together! I think I’d know what kinda stuff is off the table for him, buddy.

“Well, not only are you wrong, you’re in denial.”

I am not!

“Then try it! Just attempt asking him out! In the very least, you’ll remain friends after. I promise you. Cross my heart and all that jazz.”

…

…You’re absolutely positive? You are also the person that told me he’d die in a month’s time.

“A hundred percent positive. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.”

You have a life?

“Unfortunately. So, you’ll do it?”

Why’re you so adamant about me fucking Kits?

“Affgdgfdgfg, it’s not about you fucking him, it’s you making his last living month worthwhile!”

Okay, so, why do you want me to do that?

“…Do you not??”

I mean, I guess that sounds worth my time. But you didn’t answer my question.

“Sorry for assuming that you want the person you’re madly in love with to be happy, I guess??”

Apology accepted. Now, how do I get outta here?

“Ugh, just wake up.”

Whu--

And I’m sitting up in my own mat, back at the facility. The clock shows that it’s early morning.

What the fuck do I make of what I just saw? Or heard, for that matter? It clearly wasn’t a normal dream, I never remember those. Plus the topic tends to blur together usually.

I gotta tell-- Wait, I can’t do that, fuck.

…

It’s way to early for shit like this, man!!

Augh…

[buckysrighthanddoll]

Bad Guy

Pairing: Loki x enhanced!Reader

Warnings: swearing, drinking, fluff, a lil angst, and some of the team realizing that Loki isn’t as bad as they thought he was

When you were left to babysit the God of Mischief, you weren’t phased in the slightest. Sure, there were some nerves involved; Loki was the self-proclaimed bad guy. He was the cause for countless deaths in the Battle of New York, he seemed to have minimal morals, and he had a particular distaste for humanity.

Thor brought him to earth--or Midgard, as they called it--so that Loki couldn’t wreak havoc on Asgard. He thought that his brother could use a fresh start. Loki claimed that he was sick of vying for more extraordinary things, which you believed was bullshit. This was Loki--his entire life was nothing but lies and tricks.

But, nevertheless, Tony agreed to keep him holed up in the tower. Loki was never to be alone, but that spelled bad news for anybody who wasn’t busy. More specifically, you; you weren’t the newest to the team, but you were the most humane Avenger who also had a lot of free time. You showed compassion beyond the other members, and therefore were a perfect fit for the job.

Loki mainly kept to himself. He was always in his room, but occasionally he snuck off to different areas of the compound. He always told someone beforehand, which made the team feel better, but the cameras were always kept trained on him.

The first time you were introduced to Loki, your enhanced eyes picked up on his aura. It was a dark indigo color, not too bright and not too dull. You sensed isolation and a looming sense of self-hatred. This was the first reason you took a liking to the prince. The indigo hue also meant that he was hyperaware of people’s intentions, especially the unspoken ones.

And the first time you watched over Loki, you sat in the living room with him and turned on some music while he read and you wrote. He hardly said a word, although you caught him staring at you occasionally. He would just smirk a little and look back down to his book, and you would furrow your eyebrows and continue writing.

You weren’t intimidated by Loki. No, you weren’t as powerful as him, but you could see things that others couldn’t. Auras were the easy part, but you also felt a person’s emotions (no matter how well they were hiding them), and you could sometimes hear a person’s thoughts and see their dreams.

At first, Loki saw you as weak and naive. How else could somebody be so open to dealing with him?

The next several times you watched over Loki, you found yourself getting more attached to him. The conversations weren’t deep, but they left your mind reeling. His head was hard to get into, but you still tried.

One night, Tony said to take over Sam’s shift while he went to a mission debriefing. You weren’t feeling well on a mental level, yet you agreed.

You got to Loki’s door and let Sam go, and then you knocked. Loki opened the door with a smug smirk, but it was quickly wiped away when he saw how you looked. Sweatpants and a hoodie weren’t exactly a rarity for you, but your eyes were red, and you had dark circles and messier-than-normal hair.

His eyebrows furrowed as he shifts his weight. “Can we just go lay outside or something?”

“Of course, love,” Loki responded. If you weren’t so preoccupied with dark thoughts, you’d have questioned the pet name. Loki snaps his fingers, and suddenly he’s out of his black suit and in a pair of grey sweatpants and a t-shirt.

He walked beside you to the roof, where the stars were shining as brightly as they could within New York’s light pollution. Loki remained silent as you laid your back against the cold concrete, and then he followed your actions.

“I’m sorry this isn’t our normal babysitting routine,” You said, laughing drily.

“Don’t apologize; this is quite relaxing,” He responded. You turned your head to face him, only to find that he was already looking at you. “Do you do this often? Look at the stars, I mean?”

“Only when I need perspective,” You shrugged.

“How so?”

You turned your head toward the sky, admiring the twinkling lights. “It’s easy to see the night sky as two-dimensional. It looks like someone covered the earth with a black piece of paper and poked holes in it to let the light through. But each one of those stars is millions of lightyears away. Billions, even. Humans could never even hope to travel to one of them or the solar systems that orbit.” You point out one of the stars--not that it mattered which one. “That star right there doesn’t give two shits about our problems. We are as indistinguishable to them as ants are to us. Sometimes I feel like the world is falling apart, but then I come up here, and I remember that the universe was fine without humans--and it will be fine without us once we go extinct.”

“You speak so beautifully,” Loki starts, sighing as he turns onto his side. “Your mind must be a terribly dark place.”

A scoff erupts from you, and then you’re looking at the god. “Am I that easy to read?”

“Not at all,” Loki says. “You’re always wearing a mask around the team--around me. But this is unadulterated emotion. It’s quite admirable.”

You didn’t notice it until now, but his aura has shifted. It was still a deep indigo blue, but it seemed as though his walls were let down. His emotions were more apparent than they had ever been, and his thoughts nearly screamed at you. He thought about your strength and resilience--how you’ve fought through more shit than many could handle. Yet, here you were, breathing and having philosophical conversations with a god from another world.

“You know,” You start, sitting up. “Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

“And you don’t see it?”

“I see what’s inside. I see so much self-hatred that you’ve turned yourself into the monster others believed you were.” A short pause ensues as you allow Loki to interpret what you’re saying. “You’re not a monster, Loki.”

“I’ve killed thousands of people. I’m the prophetical cause of Ragnarok. I’m--”

“A misunderstood being who found that his whole life was a lie, and therefore became what others said you were. That’s not a monster. That’s a mask.”

“You’ve been in my mind, haven’t you?” He smirked.

You laid back down, shoulder to shoulder with the man beside you. “Only just now. Your walls are damn near impenetrable.”

“Good,” He quips jokingly. Silence falls between you, and all you can hear is the traffic from the city that never sleeps. You both resume staring at the stars until you’ve fallen asleep, and Loki carries you inside.

As Loki exits the elevator, Steve is scared to see you limp in Loki’s arms. Nat is on the defense until she sees that you didn’t pass out or die--you were leaning into Loki, an arm propped against his chest and your head in the crook of his neck.

“Loki what the--”

“Shh,” Loki interjects, making Steve even more upset. Natasha places a hand on his shoulder as a warning to calm down, and the three of them witness you stir a bit in your slumber and bury yourself deeper into Loki’s grasp. “She fell asleep on the rooftop; I’m just putting her in her bed.”

Steve fails to find words as Loki quietly walks down the hallway to your room. Once he gets Friday to let him in, he sets you on the bed. You wake up momentarily, only to ask him to stay with you for a bit. He supposed twenty minutes wouldn’t hurt, so he crawled under the sheets and laid next to you.

The instant you felt Loki’s coolness, you cuddled right into him. Your head rested on his chest, and your arm went around his torso to hold him tighter. What Loki didn’t expect was how warm this made him feel. He rests his arm around you and brings you in even closer. The twenty minutes he had planned on spending with you turned into an overnight stay; he fell asleep with you in his arms.

From then on, you were the only one to watch Loki when the team needed it. You were kind of bummed out that you were taken off missions, but the serenity of watching him made it okay. You watched movies together, stayed in your rooms and talked for hours on end, cooked together, and took naps together.

You hated to say it, but you were falling for Loki. He was respectful, and he was slowly (but surely) growing to tolerate humans and treat them as if they weren’t beneath him.

Tony had announced he would be throwing a party for Natasha’s birthday. He was going all-out and using the entire party deck--four floors included. You showed up late due to a doctor’s appointment earlier on, so the party was lively, and everybody was intoxicated.

You had on a little black dress, and you put effort into your hair and makeup. This was Nat’s birthday, after all, and you respected her a lot. You stayed by the bar area when you arrived to catch up to everybody else’s level of inebriation.

Loki found you less than ten minutes later. There was a clear connection between the two of you, to the point that you had considered that he was listening for your thoughts. “You look amazing, love,” He said, taking a seat next to you.

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” You quipped, watching as the bartender placed five shots on the bar for you.

“Those for some friends?”

“No, they’re for me,” You responded, taking one after another. “I gotta catch up to the crowd.”

Loki chuckles, but then it drops when he sees the liquor cascading down your throat as if it’s water. “Dear, perhaps you should pace yourself.”

You shrugged and ordered a few more shots, and then a mixed drink to sip on. “I’ll be fine, Loki,” You started. You picked up the cup and chugged it back, going against the initial plan of taking it slow. Within minutes, you’re feeling the alcohol’s effects. Your mind goes fuzzy, as do your senses, and the world around you feels lighter. You decided to stop at this level for now since everything was pleasant. The loud music enticed you, and as you looked around, you saw Natasha dancing with Wanda. “And that is my cue,” You smiled, standing up. You wobbled slightly, but quickly caught yourself and briskly walked over to your teammates.

“Took you long enough,” Wanda laughed as you started dancing with them. Little conversation followed that, mostly dancing and singing to the songs.

A slower song came on, and the three of you groaned as you stepped away from the dancing crowd. Natasha and Wanda’s faces hardened as they looked just past you, which immediately told you that Loki was approaching. You turned around as he got next to you, holding out his hand.

“Would you do me the honor of sharing a dance with me?” He asked, his tone as elegant as ever. You smiled and nodded, grabbing on to his cold hand and letting him lead you a few feet over to the crowd’s edge. One of his hands settle at your waist, and yours goes to rest on his chest. He holds your other hand, and then the two of you are swaying to the beat. “They don’t like me, do they?” He asked.

You give a small smile. “It’s less that they don’t like you, and more that they don’t like you with me.”

“Well, I can’t say I blame them.”

“Why’s that?” You asked. Your eyebrows turn up slightly as you gaze up to him. Loki can’t help but think that you looked more beautiful than any goddess he had ever met.

“I’m the bad guy, remember?”

“That’s what people want you to be,” You remind him. He extends his arm to twirl you and then pull you close to him--chest to chest, face to face. “You aren’t a bad person. You put up a wall so that people can’t get close to you. When will you let them down, Loki?”

Loki looks like an angel with the aura surrounding him. It changed right in front of your eyes. Where it was once dark indigo, now it was a clear and bright red. It meant that he could overcome any obstacle and sincerely wanted to change his life for the better. It nearly took your breath away.

“Perhaps now would be a good time,” He whispered. His eyes danced from your eyes to your lips, giving a physical hint to something that you knew just from reading his thoughts. He leans down slightly to gauge your reaction; he finds you also leaning in slowly. Your lips meet somewhere in the middle, and you can just feel the energy that surrounded you both.

His lips, like the rest of his body, were cool to the touch. Yet, they welcomed the heat of your body, like two opposite ends of a magnet meeting. You slowed to a stop in your dance, focusing on the euphoria that a simple kiss brought you. Loki cups your cheek to pull you even closer. The kiss feels like it lasts years, but it was only a few seconds. Your eyes flutter open as you pull away, and a smile spreads across your face.

Nat and Wanda watch with dropped jaws from ten feet away. “I’m gonna kill him,” Wanda states.

“No, Wanda, look at her,” Nat says, directing her friend’s attention to you. “She’s smiling--she’s happy.”

“Maybe she’s faking it.”

“She isn’t faking it,” Natasha responds. “The look in her eyes gives it away. She loves him.” She adjusts her stance and focuses on Loki. “And look at Loki’s face. It has genuine emotion. It isn’t stoic; it isn’t sarcastic--he’s letting her in.”

“Well, I’ll be damned. Why didn’t she tell us?”

“She knows that nobody else trusts him.”

You could hear the conversation despite their hushed words. It was one of the perks of your enhancements. Loki could hear their thoughts, too, which caused him to smile even more. “Would you like to go to bed?” Loki asks you. You nod your head and let him lead you away from the party, into the elevator, and down to the residence levels.

You take off your makeup and change into comfortable clothes, and Loki does the same. It was routine now to hop into the bed together and immediately hold each other. This time, though, when the movie is turned on, neither of you focus on the plot. You’re too wrapped up in each other, kissing whenever one of you felt like it, talking here and there, and just being absorbed into each other’s consciousness.

Loki was the proverbial bad guy. He had done horrible things in his past, and he had turned himself into a monster because his father had told him he was one. But Loki wasn’t bad at all; he was misunderstood, yes, but not evil. This was a man that you could spend all of your days with, and who wouldn’t drain you. He was not a monster. He could never be a monster.

[shit-mcu-stans-write]

submission from anon: essay on rhodey

my apologies that this is so long. i had a lot more to say than i realised and this… just kind of happened.

so… lieutenant colonel james “jim” rupert “rhodey” rhodes… i have a lot of feelings about him and his character development and for once… i actually like what i see from the mcu. i love what the mcu has completely unintentionally done for him and i find it absolutely hilarious because i know it’s 100% unintentional, because they’d never purposefully make rhodey’s character development so anti-tony-stark. but that’s what we’ve been presented with. and i love it. hear me out:

in iron man 1 rhodey starts as tony’s babysitter. rhodey says so himself: “you don’t respect yourself so I know you don’t respect me - i’m just your babysitter” but despite the fact he knows tony doesn’t respect him, he’s still there for tony, still supporting him, still showing him as much love as he can no matter how little tony gives back. he puts it down the the fact tony doesn’t respect himself; he’s reckless and childish and doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. rhodey might be being sarcastic and snarky when he’s saying “when you need your diaper changed let me know and I’ll get you a bottle” but there’s some truth to it: he can’t help but mother-hen tony, because someone has to be responsible for the kid (he sure as hell can’t be responsible for himself!), and rhodey has put himself in that position.

i think a lot of that’s to do with the fact they both met really young in mit, with rhodey being a couple (?) years older than tony at the time. they stuck together because they were both in the unique position of being child prodigies, but because rhodey was the older of the two i think he quickly settled into a caregiving role. but by iron man 1, rhodey has emotionally matured, and tony hasn’t. he hasn’t needed to, being a white billionaire boy and all. so rhodey still sees tony as this kid he’s always been there for, always protecting, always giving and giving and giving to, and putting up with. they’ve been friends for so long that he’s used to it.

by iron man 2, rhodey is fed up. tony is being even more reckless than usual because he’s dying but no one knows, so rhodey is being pushed to his breaking point. there’s a deleted scene where rhodey says something which i feel says everything you need about what their relationship has become by now: “hanging out with you is bad for our friendship”. rhodey is starting to realise just how impossible being an actual friend - not just a yes-man and support staff - for tony is. and all that culminates in the fight scene where, upon seeing tony drunk and endangering his party guests in a WMD supersuit, rhodey reaches that breaking point. protects tony from himself one last time by fighting him, then cuts ties.

only, by the end of iron man 2, rhodey learns that taking the suit to the military and letting hammer get his paws on it was a bad idea, and that tony was literally near death the whole time he was being a dick, and then they have to team up to defeat vanko together. so despite having gone through all the shit tony’s put him through and realising how terrible a friend tony actually is, he chalks this all up to a mistake and a misunderstanding on his part. gives tony a second (or, more realistically, hundredth) chance. which is why in iron man 3 they’re best buds again. im3 is probably the healthiest depiction of their relationship tbh, and that’s on im3 tony being the least assholeish depiction of tony in the whole mcu (imo).

but tony’s character begins to sour massively from AOU onwards (not saying he wasn’t an… abrasive character beforehand, to say the least, but clearly all the guilt from causing ultron and inadvertently causing the mess in sokovia is affecting him and his relationships; pepper, another caregiving character that has put up with tony’s entitled, misogynistic bullshit for years, has left him, and i think that’s a massive sign that he’s spiralling in a similar way he did in im2. after all, the writers refuse to develop him as a character, which means he’ll never get help for his mental health and never learn healthy coping mechanisms. i honestly wonder what happened for pepper to leave - we’ve seen the breaking point for rhodey, so what was hers?)

so yeah, anyway, tony is starting to spiral again from AOU. civil war happens - he blames the team and latches onto the accords as a way to absolve himself of the guilt, bla bla bla, you know the plot. and, just like the others, rhodey is given mere days to read, consider, and sign this life-changing document; not only is his best friend vehemently, vocally, and violently in favour these documents, they’re also coming from a position of power that he, as a military man, respects. so it makes sense he’d initially be on the side of the accords.

and then something even more life-changing than the accords happens for rhodey. sam accidentally shoots him down and he injures his legs so bad that he can’t walk without support. and rhodey’s response to that? i know we don’t get to see much of rhodey’s response and recovery, which is a travesty, but what we do get? really sheds some light on the kind of man rhodey is, and how he develops as a person by the end of endgame. 

for once in his life, rhodey is in the position of needing to be cared for - and on top of that, tony is the one offering. we also see that rhodey wants his recovery to be something he does alone as much as he possibly can, because that’s just the kind of person he is; we see the sheer amount of value he places on his ability to handle things on his own, and the skyrocket-high responsibility he holds himself to. and now all of a sudden tony’s actually trying to reciprocate the attention and care he’s shown him without reward for years (and only because of this guilt spiral he’s been on since AOU)… and that must have been fucking jarring for rhodey.

i think the sudden and strange role reversal probably helped him work out a few things about his relationship with tony a lot. which is why, when infinity war rolls around, they don’t interact. rhodey seems closer to and more in alignment with the “rogues”/“nomads” than tony. where once he agreed with the accords, he’s had some time to actually read them and reconsider them, and he’s against them now! he hates ross and greets steve with a warm hug!

and something i love so fucking much about infinity war (dispite all it’s other faults)? sam and rhodey’s relationship. sam shot rhodey down and disabled him for the rest of his life. and rhodey forgives him. first of all, because that’s the kind of person rhodey is (he’s had plenty of practice forgiving all kinds of shit with tony), and rhodey understands it was a mistake (and probably empathises with how horrible it must have been for sam; he’s military too, he understands that specific kind of guilt). interesting to compare rhodey’s response to the mistake with tony’s. and heartwarming to see that, for once, when rhodey forgives someone for what they’ve done, he is given gratitude and a genuine two-way friendship in response. i live for sam and rhodey’s every interaction in iw.

and then we get to endgame. know how many times rhodey interacts with tony in endgame? twice. first interaction: “okay, you made your point - just sit down, okay?” (read: “stop acting like a child before you hurt yourself”). second interaction: *sadly touches his face as he realises he’s dying before moving aside to let peter and pepper say their goodbyes*. what i love about these interactions - and the lack of any other interactions - is what it clearly means for rhodey:

1) tony still means a lot to rhodey. he’ll always mean a lot to him. they were best friends since they were literally just kids at mit. he’ll always, i think, love tony and want to care for and protect him (from himself, mainly). and tony, in his own way, will always love rhodey. but, 2) rhodey has still, nevertheless, cut ties with tony. i think the time away from action caused by the long recovery process he would’ve went through not only let rhodey reconsider his stance on the accords and his superiors in the military such as ross, but it also gave him time (and a wildly new perspective) to realise how toxic his relationship with tony truly is.

and what’s great to compare the way in which and reasons why he cuts ties with tony after civil war compared to the way in which and reasons why he cut ties with tony during im2, is that rhodey hasn’t been pushed to his breaking point this time. he has way more agency in his choice this time. he’s not leaving because he’s been infuriated one time too many; he’s doing it because he’s actually being given the kind of support he himself has been dishing out all these years… and doesn’t want it. not if it’s coming from the place of convenience and guilt that it is with tony. he cannot be guilt-tripped into forgiving tony anymore because he is making his choice this time with clear-mindedness.

and you know what’s so great about him finally genuinely cutting ties with tony this time around? he’s no longer his yes-man. he gets space to breathe as his own character. he jokes around more. he’s not annoyed all the time. he gets involved with the rest of the team. as i’ve said, he interacts with sam and it’s beautiful. he interacts with nebula and it’s heartwarming and they form a bond so quickly. and in all the new interactions he gets you see he is receiving so much more respect and reciprocation than he’s ever experienced with tony. and it makes me so happy.

also i can’t help but think about how it’s also a pretty big deal for him as a black character to go through all of these revelations and developments; black kids are often encouraged/forced to mature mentally/emotionally a lot quicker than white kits, and take on responsibility that shouldn’t be their burden to bear from a young age (which i think was absolutely something rhodey experienced as a highly intelligent black child), and it’s not uncommon for black characters to be portrayed in these caregiving roles to Hurt White Characters. so for him to break out of that box is just beautiful.

tony, on the other hand, is a white billionaire who never learned how to grow up; he’s never had to handle the kind of daily-grind stress that non-billionaire poc like rhodey have handled since they were a kid. not saying tony hasn’t faced other kinds of stress, but for the most part? everything has been given to him on a shiny golden platter. so when responsibility is thrust upon him - when his faults are actually pointed out - he doesn’t know how to handle it. hasn’t learned. it destroys his mental health. he gets destructive in turn. irreparably damages his relationships. spirals and spirals and refuses. to get. help. (you’re a billionaire, tony - you can afford a therapy. and the idealisation/romanticisation of unhealthy guilt spirals and a mindset of powering through despite everything and without asking for help until you crash and burn is not good mental illness/neurodivergent rep, it’s just the only one the mcu knows how to write.) i despair at the loss of opportunity when it comes to tony’s character and what he could have come to represent, but that’s another essay entirely.

when it comes to rhodey, however, the mcu have accidentally created a wonderful character and a wonderful character arc. that’s not to say they deserve any praise though, because this was likely never their intention and it’s purely accidental (again, they’d never purposefully give rhodey such an anti-tony character arc, just like they’d never intentionally make tony a bad role model, but that’s what they did, completely accidentally).

not only is rhodey a character who is unwaveringly kind and forgiving (and is rewarded for these traits later down the line in his new relationships), but we also get to see him learn how his kindness and forgiveness shouldn’t be taken for granted as it has been for years of his life. we see him step away from harmful relationships. we see him take back his life for himself - refuse to be someone else’s nanny. we see his growth and his development, and it’s wonderful, and i love him.

in conclusion: war machine rox. 

[feckin-zicons]

that's why i hate larries, i hate them with all my heart. besides being boring they are hypocrites 🙄

Hey nonnie, sorry its taken me so long to reply but if you’re following me you know I’ve been travelling lately and have been more scatterbrained than usual. Not that I’m ever not scatterbrained, but its been just a little crazier than usual!

Now I wouldn’t go as far to say I hate Larries. After all their delusions can be pretty funny sometimes!

Joking aside, I don’t hate Larries, I love Larries, I’m a Larry, so I really hesitate to tarry the whole group with the same brush. However I do strongly agree with you that there are those who are complete hypocrites. Nothing annoys more more than when Larries ™ treat the other boys, other celebrities, their friends and even family as one more side character to the Larry Show.

In particular when Larries ™ flood comment sections asking or in some cases, ordering people to confirm rumors/the couple being together. The absolute fucking disrespect. Not just because they’re flooding comment sections in videos streams, tweets, what have you, that sometimes have nothing to do with the couple in question, but because its presumptuous and rude as fuck to think they’re owed a coming out- just because they’re fans of the boys.

Stop it. Thats fucking ugly as hell.

While I have no doubt all the boys will one day be out (as referenced by their continued efforts in fighting the closet. I don’t get the sense the boys will just stop at being freed from their contractual obligations). It should and will be on their own terms. Provided they’re not forcibly outed some other way.

Coming out is a deeply personal experience and no one, no one ever, has the right to out someone else. I’ll never not be absolutely furious at the Larries ™ who posted about having ‘receipts’ that would out the boys. Which… tbh weren’t receipts at all but thats a whole other story. I’m also still angry at the reactions after Liams Attitude spread that wouldn’t have been as bad if not for the entitled fandom that peddled ridiculous claims beforehand about Liam confirming Larry to be real.

I mean… What the actual fuck. Setting aside the fandom experience of the time, and boy was it an experience. What right would Liam have confirming Louis and Harry’s relationship? I mean, get some perspective? It doesn’t help that a lot of fandom adults were the ones coming up with, and reblogging those theories and the younger fans ate it up. It would have made more sense for Louis and Harry to do it but idk maybe I’m still out of touch for thinking so. I mean, it felt like every other week someone was talking about Larry coming out. It was such a shit storm oh my god.

Biggest issue I still have with them is that the entitled behaviour hasn’t stopped. For some it seems like, Larry coming out is it for them. Like pack it up, goodbye, shows over, Louis and Harry are gay and in a relationship and everything is rainbows, we get to see cute pictures of them and everyone lives happily ever after.

Yeah, no. Coming out, for anyone, is just the beginning, can’t even begin to imagine what its like for them. They’re still going to need everyones support, and it irritates me that for some fans it seems so fucking conditional.

Time and time again, I’ve seen tweets, and posts, and videos, whatever, going on about Larry coming out and it reads like a fucking wattpad story. Not just that but its always on the assumption by the poster, on the off chance they consider the other 3/5ths of the band and Ziam being a possibility, that Larry will come out first?

What?

I’m sorry but, what?

Everything I’ve seen from the boys tells me they’re all in this together, they support each other and are working through the bullshit as a team. We have all seen the No Judgement music video yes? The merch, posts, double speak etc referencing each other, yes?

I mean, I suppose if you only look at Louis and Harry, like so many do, sure. Only Larry matters, everyone else is a side character in their life.

(Lemme just, scream for a second).

However, that kind of thinking leads them to the wrong conclusions. Like… assuming the SBB/RBB countdown was attributed to nothing, when it counted down to Liam finally being free of Sophia. In the years since, I’ve seen Larries ™ backtrack on claiming the bears had anything to do with the boys, that they weren’t behind it at all, or that they were just trolling the fandom.

You know, despite all the proof otherwise, and some really, really good posts breaking down clues about what the boys were trying to tell us. The moment something might not actually be about Louis and Harry its like all their thinking shuts off. Its frustrating. Really fucking frustrating.

Seriously, fans of the other boys as individulas, not just Ziams, have been talking about the stunts too and how they fit together. Its why we tend to be right, because we’re considering the entire group. They’re still a group. They’re not free until all of them are free.

Just for that Nialls coming out first. Lmao. I’ll call it now. Lets go Niall, whens the baby coming. We all wanna know. Its been years.

Imagine, imagine! Acting like coming out is some race to be won. The fucking audacity.

Go outside and touch fucking grass you absoulte ninny.

I get it, you want to be vindicated, you want to be rewarded for putting your faith in two celebrities being together.

Newsflash you dandelionfluff, its not a race, Louis and Harry coming out isn’t a fucking prize. Thats not what supporting a relationship looks like.

Its worse when someone admits they don’t know much about Ziam or the possibility of Niall being LGBT+, and claim they’re open to it, but then immediately tweet or reblog or sub tweet or tag comment a post or answer an ask from another Larry ™ talking about how Larries ™ are the most marginalized and persecuted group.

???

In what fucking world?

IN WHAT FUCKING WORLD?

If we wanna play that game, boohoo, the media claims Louis and Harry aren’t friends anymore because of crazy shippers. Meanwhile Zayn publicly isn’t friend with anyone and “left” the band… despite the Ziam fandom calling the stunt about either Louis or Zayn “leaving” and getting it down to the exact week (the second article coming out a week before about the Ziam kiss pretty much cemented it for Zayn leaving. Which did a lot to fan the flames of the already rabid fanbase when Ziam got two articles confirming a Ziam kiss over the years and Larry got nada. Like that actually means anything).

Not to mention Larries ™ using the hetties and management tactics against the other parts of the fandom to silence them.

Who cares what the media says anyway!  TPTB, 1DHQ, The Sun, The Mirror, Simon and his minions and their unpaid interns have used the media to split the fandom apart and it worked.

Who the fuck cares if the media calls the 1D stans delusional, you know the truth! The truth it out there and you’ve seen it! The truth is coming! Who gives a damn about what some two bit “journo” who failed out of their creative writing course writes? They get worse by the year. If it wasn’t so pathetic and hilarious I might actually feel embarrassed for them. They can’t even come up with new stories and have just taken to copying old articles, but you’re upset with them??? Give it a rest. Honestly.

The sense of disconnect, entitlement and victimhood of some Larries ™ is absolutely ridiculous.

Oh my god they’re Karens. I’m not trying to be insulting, but thats exactly who they remind me of.

I’m not going to say its a surprise to me that so many in the Ziam fandom are POC, LGBT+, and Neurodivergent and any combination of those, but I am going to say I’ve read a lot of Larry fics that just have Het sex made gay. Those in the Ziam fandom just tend to look at facts in a different way than Larries do due to their life experiences. A interfaith, interracial, relationship where one or both partners fall under the Bi umbrella (not saying Louis or Harry can’t be or aren’t Bi+ but rumors, and the way the fandom markets them, puts them firmly in the gay category) looks very, very different than gay or straight relationship. Both looking from outside and being in one. There’s just different dynamics at play that aren’t often realized or understood by the gays and hets.

Its not a bad thing. All relationships are different. The issue is that theres a lot of biphobia/racism/religious prejudice etc that arises from people being unwilling to understand the inherent differences.

Taking myself for example, I’m bi, like, bi as hell, and I don’t understand how gays and hets only like one gender. I just don’t. Can’t wrap my head around it. If someone asks me to choose one gender over the others to prefer I can’t. Its so stressful. My brain goes into panic mode and it feels like I’m being torn apart. My sense of identity is shaken- its a shit feeling. I just can’t lie to myself like that. If other people feel the same well, its no wonder bi+ have such high rates of depression and suicide. Its not about choosing who to like, there is no choice, I just feel attraction to everyone. Aces, I get. Its similar to being the opposite of what I feel, or not feeling an attraction to someone I’m not interested in. Easy. Gays and hets? I’m completely lost on.

Completely, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try and understand where they’re coming from. Its alien to me, personally, but I’m not going to shut down the fact, that theres a fuck ton of people who only like one gender or try and make up reasons as to why they’re actually bi+

I digress, none of the boys fall neatly into the gay stereotypes, its just that parts of the Larry fandom have boxed Louis and Harry into certain roles to fit preconceived notions (likely do to them initially fitting in better with the white, sassy, somewhat effeminate twink thats been plastered all over Hollywood as their “LGBT+ representation” for years. Gag), they can understand better, and only look for proof to back up their theories but don’t look at things objectively.

They really need to get out more and make some LGBT+ friends that aren’t on the internet and talk to some gay elders. They need educating that’s not the often sanitized and insulting Hollywood version, that’s all I’m saying.

They made Louis and Harry more palatable for themselves and its… really gross.

I don’t know, I don’t get it.

Some Larries ™ turned the boys into their fandom and fanfiction stereotypes when they’re so much more than that. The Sony leaks should have been enough to dissuade the fandom, and prove that the brand sold to the broader audience is just that- a brand, and yet… Niall only talks about food and golf and Ireland and is only allowed to be straight or ace. If he exists at all its just to be Capt Niall. Liams slow and dumb and depending on the day he’s either Capt Liam or a horrific abusive homophobe. Zayns just The Worst, a unstable drug addict, and the boys hate each other, and they should have kicked him out of the band sooner because he never wanted to be part of them anyway, etc.

It drives me absolutely around the bend some days. They’re real people who don’t owe anyone anything, especially not coming out.

Yes, I think they will. But they’re not obligated to. They can change their minds, I’ll support them regardless of an “official” coming out or not.

Look, a part of me gets it. They wanna be right, they wanna prove the haters wrong, they want to be able to say I called it all along! The vindication will be sweet.

But like, it takes a quick look at someone other than Louis and Harry to realize theres something hinky going on with Liam, Zayn and Niall. Please listen to their fans who have spent just as much time as you have looking into Louis and Harry compiling together evidence.

It might take a weekend to watch the ILYSM and pterodactyl bros videos and a few more hours looking into some Niall blogs, which isn’t much compared to the hours I know they’ve spent looking into Larry. At least then they’ll have enough information to form an opinion on things.

I wonder, for some, what would happen if Larry didn’t come out, or didn’t come out first, or one of the other boys was outed against their will. Because… I don’t know. It seems like some would rather just be proven right at this point.

I get it. We’re tired. Its been eleven long years. But this isn’t a television show were everything can come to a head with a s3 or s4 cliff hanger and fixed in the series finale. Its real life, and they started off as boys trusting industry veterans who never had their best interests at heart.

Iduno. I just want some Larries ™ to take a step out of the echo chamber, realize life isn’t The Larry Show & co. And especially. ESPECIALLY, that every instance were someone, friends, family, co-works, industry peeps etc support the boys they are SUPPORTING THE BOYS, NOT THE FANDOM. They are not “confirming Larry for the fans” they’re doing it to support the couple, not to cater to the fandom. Please stop confusing the two. There’s a huge fucking difference. Learn it.

[hiddlestonsbabygirl]

Care For Me (Steve Rogers au) SugarDaddy!Steve

•prologue•

An alternative universe where Steve isn’t an Avenger, but rather a CEO of one of the biggest companies in the US. His best friend and business partner Bucky secretly made him an account in an online dating site for sugar daddies and sugar babies, setting Steve up on a date with the only suitable sugar baby he thought was best for his best friend among the million others in his inbox.

It’s you. You’re the sugar baby.

Or,

Where reader is a med student who is badly in need of financial support and resorted to desperate measures by signing up to an online dating site with a little help from reader’s best friend, Nat.

•••

You ran up the staircase, not bothering to apologize as you bumped into strangers along the way. Your heart hammered against your chest as sweat outlined your forehead, thoughts running through your mind as you wondered what could have happened to your apartment. You just got a call from your good neighbor Mrs. Sally that the landlord stormed into your hallway followed by two men in white muttering angry words as he unlocked your door with his duplicate key. You knew instantly why he was there. You were getting kicked out of your own apartment since you weren’t able to pay for your rent in six months. The landlord had warned you beforehand to pay sooner, but it was getting harder and harder each day. You were already broke, all your savings spent on your medical school. You didn’t want to stop your studies—you were already on your third year and ever since you graduated college your goal was straight; finish med school, pass the licensure exams and become a doctor. You couldn’t even last a week on your countless part-time jobs because of your coming in late due to knee-deep work you have to face every single day in school.

Your financial status was making it hard for you to finish your goal. Very hard.

You reached your floor, and, as expected, all your things were outside your door in boxes. Your heart sank as you stared at the mess, your clothes and books thrown aggressively into the containers as if they meant nothing but pieces of trash.

You rushed inside and your landlord was standing by your small kitchen, barking orders at his two men, without even noticing that you entered.

“Please, sir,” you cried as you neared him. “Please give me one more chance. I’ll pay by the end of the month, I promise!”

He scowled at you. “I’ve given you too many chances, (Y/N). You’re too much.”

He turned his back at you and proceeded to march into your bedroom, calling out one of his men to follow him inside.

“No!” You yelled angrily this time. You couldn’t believe him. You may haven’t paid your debt owed to this man but that didn’t give him the right to intrude into your privacy.

You ran past them and stood in front of them before they could get any closer to the door, your cheeks flushed and eyes filled with angry tears.

“You can’t just walk into someone’s bedroom and take everything away!” You cried. “I can pack up myself! I don’t need your filthy hands on my belongings!”

Your landlord looked furious. “Then throw your damn things out of my apartment in the next hour or I’ll fucking rip this room apart by myself!”

You flinched at the loudness and anger of his voice before he turned around and left without another word, his men following close behind. Once you heard the main door slam shut you bawled your eyes out, sinking to the floor as you struggled to think of places where you could find refuge without having to pay. All you had in your wallet was a 20-dollar bill, and you didn’t have any extra cash in your bank account. You considered searching for very cheap rooms in the vicinity without having to ride because riding meant paying. But you couldn’t walk on the streets while struggling to hold boxes of your things. They were even too many for only two small hands.

You sobbed. At this point you felt so hopeless already. You almost convinced yourself that you were going to throw your unnecessary things away and sleep on the streets, while asking for spare change. You’d have to give up your med school since you couldn’t shoulder all the expenses anymore and just look for a job where it pays just enough for food and shelter. You didn’t have a family anymore to back you up. Your addictive mother left you for a stranger, and your father’s been gone even before you were born. You didn’t have any siblings, nor uncles or aunts or extended family members where you could go to for help. You had no one. It was only you.

You wiped away your tears, swallowing your pride as you took out your old, worn-out phone from your pocket and dialed your best friend’s number.

Natasha.

She’s been your best friend since high school, and you both shared the same passion in life. You both wanted to become a doctor. You both have so much in common, and you both agree to almost everything. You’ve been there for each other through the ups and downs, and Natasha has helped you through your own struggles financially. But asking for this big favor from her was just too much for you. You didn’t want to add a burden to your best friend—med school is already hard enough as it is.

But you were already desperate. You didn’t have any more options. This was the only one.

“Hello?”

You felt a sudden wave of relief hearing a voice so soothing in the midst of the chaos. “Nat, hi.”

“(Y/N), have you been crying? What happened??”

You hiccuped. “I-I’m fine, Nat. C-Could you come over? I k-kind of need your help.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

As promised, a knock came from your door and you stood up to open it, revealing a worried Natasha standing over your disarrayed valuables.

You couldn’t help yourself. Fresh tears welled up in your eyes as she pulled you in for a tight hug and you sobbed into her shoulder.

“We’ll pack up your things and go to my house. You’re staying there for as long as you like. My home is always open for you, (Y/N). And you know that.”

...

“So? How did it go with Katherine?” Bucky spoke up as he stabbed his medium-rare meat with his fork, clearly playing with his food rather than eating it. It was lunch break and Bucky and Steve were in their usual go-to for lunch, Redbird.

“Despite the fact that we called it a night early? It was okay.” Steve replied with a scoff, bringing a spoonful of rice to his mouth and watched as Bucky gave his best friend a deadpanned look.

“And you were the one who ended things early, not her, right?”

Steve nodded. He was slowly getting tired of Bucky setting him up with several women, whom he doesn’t even take interest in. He always has the need to pair Steve with someone because “you always look so bleak and somber,” as Bucky would put it.

“Buck, I really appreciate you doing these stuff for me, being my wingman and all, but I really don’t feel like dating right now.”

“Oh, yeah?” He retorted. “Then why do you always look so depressed? You can’t fucking tell me your wealth and fame is making you distressed. That’s some absurd bullshit right there.”

“Language.” Steve glared at him. He always hated when people cussed. For him it was indecent and dirty.

Except, of course, cussing in bed. He can only tolerate profanity under the sheets. But not often, though. That would be too much to listen to.

“Seriously??”

“And yes, James. Wealth and fame does not automatically make you happy and unproblematic. Do you know how many rich and famous people died because they took their own life? Because they hide their problems. The only image the public sees is the happy and successful façade they show.”

Silence. Steve was almost convinced he had won over their little argument.

“That shit deep, man.” Bucky only chuckled to which his best friend exhaled an exasperated sigh. Steve couldn’t even bother to point out that Bucky said a bad language word again.

“But you’ve got friends. Your family loves and supports you, you make time for sports and leisure...what could possibly make you so sad??”

Steve breathed out. “I told you, I’m not depressed, I’m not sad. I just don’t feel like dating as of the moment.”

“Will you feel like dating again tomorrow?”

“Haha, very funny.”

Bucky only stared at his best friend as he took a sip of his drink, studying him with confusion and amusement. Very formal man, always has a steely look on his face, very dominant demeanor, couldn’t even stand hearing curse words! What could his best friend possibly like in a woman?? Were his calculations wrong? Did he expect differently? Was he looking at it in a wrong angle?

Is Steve gay??

“Barnes, quit staring at me like that. You’re making me uncomfortable.” Steve brought him back to his senses.

And then it hit him.

“Hey, Steve, I think I need to go.” Bucky announced as he stood up and gathered his phone and wallet lying around on the table.

“Oh? Why the sudden hurry?” The blond-haired man asked as his eyes watched his best friend suddenly look distracted.

“It’s nothing. I just forgot to feed my pet dragon.” He then proceeded to pace towards the exit, leaving Steve confused and asked himself how he was acquainted with a weird and funny man like James Buchanan Barnes.

Little did Steve know that his best friend was up to a very stupid but brilliant idea. He knew he was going to get in trouble if Steve found out about it, but it was worth a shot. And his plan involved an online dating site and younger girls.

........................... ........................... ...........................

A/N: New series! Yay!!! Tags are also open, just hit me up! Next part coming soon ❤️